#tho im autistic on main everyday so

[daftysaph]

Hey being autistic on main to say watch ROTTMNT

That is all

[queersturbate]

Yk I kin Light and I see Light hate all the time like honestly it’s kinda expected

Personally, if we’re talking strictly morals I think he was a bad person and not likeable and not that great, but I do also think he’s an interesting character

I’ve also like struggled with self hatred and self esteem issues all my life and just seeing you genuinely like a character I see myself in really makes me feel good about myself so thank you for that, even tho it probably wasn’t your intention it just means a lot to a depressed young girl on the internet

heyhey anon!!

this turns into a two part rant. part one is me talking about npd and light. part two is me loving light.

yeah i totally agree that Light is a bad person and did fucked up things. and that Light is a very 3D character that has a lot of intricacies that are important to look at and observe. I've talked a little about my npd + god complex on here and how i see myself in Light and certain parts of his thinking (dont yell at me, if you're confused ask me what i mean before you attack me). And how his own npd led him so quickly to becoming a self proclaimed god of the new world. npd is based on delusions and an incredible sense of self hatred. literally so much self hatred that your brain has created a delusion that you are not only better than everyone else, literally thinking they're inferior, but even sometimes going as far as to believing you're god (which not ever person with npd has). Idk! i just think attacking people who simply relate to a character for a certain reason (eg. disorders/mannerisms/etc) even if it's not the reason people think is normal or valid is bullshit, like they're just characters people made up in their head. Like people relate to L because of his autistic characteristics (me included lol) and no one even says anything, actually he's probably the most kinned character in anime LMAO. But people relate to Light because of his npd characteristics, that's considered strange and theyre told to stay away from people (literally im told that like everyday on tiktok LMAO) and like, literally why? because npd is a scary mental disorder? because it's not something for you to uwu soft boy-ify like L's autism? it's ridiculous. You can like a character. You can relate to a character for an ACTUAL non problematic reason. Having a disorder you cannot help having but you are getting help with is not a problematic reason. People don't understand for some fucking reason that if you relate to Light it doesn't mean you'd kill almost 200,000 people. Just like relating to L doesn't mean you'd commit the actual lawful crimes and moral crimes he did.

uhhh, man i talk a lot. who gave me a tumblr fr. that turned into a rant, i apologize, now for more rant. i genuinely love Light. and im happy people can have a little safe space with me while liking and relating to Light. and even if it's not npd, like it mainly is for me, Light has other character traits than just being narcissistic and having a god complex. He's good in school, he's quiet, he's naturally intelligent, he plays his little sports lol, we dont see him talk to a lot of his friends, he becomes obsessed easily, he's short tempered and a hot head, he overanalyzes everything, he's has a lot of mannerisms and traits that go along with him being gay and having internalized homophobia, he has parents who expect the most from him but not from his sister, etc etc i could list more. my point is there's more to Light than what light-antis (??) scream about. Light is a bad fucked up person, like we ALL agree lol. He's not a good person, he was NOT intended to be looked at like a good person. but people forget that while yes he is the villain, he is also our main character. you are supposed to relate to the main character. and relating to him doesn't mean you are a bad person. he's an interesting character that has more than one side, just like regular people so of course people would relate to him. idk. just. i love Light.

[schizosupport]

does it still count as a delusion if I think I'm stupid to believe that and that its obviously its not real but I still have like flight/fight/freeze to the thoughts/wrongly percieved event/things in the corner of my eye, or get really scared? Like I don't think that I'm correct in thinking the thing and I don't think it makes sense/has been proven wrong by the person and by testing it lol but also I have a reasoning behind it and still think it? Esp if some of the specific paranoias are very transient (or don't come back) and sometimes triggered by horror content (damn tma t-t) or v stress related ??? I'm trying to figure out if I'm just prodomal probably (bcus I have like a million environmental and genetic risks and Im 16) or actually having delusions now lol ¡¡p but it might be substance induced so :p this stuff has been going on since like, last june maybe and when I started smoking almost everyday since august

(2) HI IM THE PERSON TALKING ABT THE DELUSIONS AND POSSIBLY BEING SUBSTANCE INDUCED !! I think I've also had an increase in negative symptoms in that approximately 1 year time frame than before, even though I'm autistic so experience a lot of the things they list in that stuff :p but that could be because I went through a traumatic relationship or because I've been unmasking over time since I'm not in public and been trying to acknowledge my needs during quarantine :p (3)  hi sorry for using all caps yesterday :(((( I didn't mean to make anybody distressed in any way. Also is thinking as a kid that people may be controlled by larger beings like sims and whenever we die thats because they got bored with us normal weird kid beleifs or ?? Or like after watching truman show I was always thinking abt if I was like it and I still kinda act like there could possibly always be a camera on me or someones watching me but my dad talked about putting cameras around the house and one time when I was getting on my phone because he had taken it away from me a notification popped up on his computer that I was using my phone and if he wanted to look at my screen so maybe its just me being scared cus of that even tho I dont live with him anymore :p and I have no reason to believe he or anyone else actually has access to my phone but they do and its really scary :'((((

Hi anon!

No need to apologize, you’re good, and you didn’t distress me! 

I am very brain-tired there days which makes it hard for me to respond thoroughly, but I’m going to attempt anyways. 

The exact definition of delusions vs magical thinking, paranoid ideation and anxiety can be hard to figure out, and the professionals may have varying opinions as well. The main question, to me, would be - are you very distressed by these thoughts? Are they hindering your ability to live life to its fullest?

If the answer is yes, then I find it less important what they are, and rather I would urge you to look into getting some help managing these symptoms. At the end of the day, knowing the name of what’s going on with you can feel empowering, but it doesn’t actually help much if it isn’t accompanied by an increase in support, understanding and potentially treatment.

Another thing is, you said you’ve been smoking almost every day - from the context I’m guessing you’re talking about weed? 

I know that a lot of people do feel like weed can alleviate some discomfort, and I’m not the authority on drug-use by any means, but I think that a daily intake of any drug, can be a cause for alarm. - No matter if that’s alcohol, weed or “harder” drugs. Especially in people who are susceptible to psychosis (which you seem to be), weed can have a negative effect, and it can definitely increase some symptoms, or even increase the likelihood of a full-blown episode. 

I know it’s easier said than done, and you probably have your reasons for smoking as much as you do, but from a mental health perspective, it does blur the picture. And it can make it harder to get the help you need, because you risk either professional writing off your symptoms as “purely druginduced” or alternatively, they ignore the smoking, and think that you’re more psychotic than you would normally be, which could also lead to the wrong treatment.

(Say for example, you’re smoking to cope with a certain set of symptoms (eg. adhd)- then that smoking causes psychotic symptoms - they treat that with antipsychotics. Now if your original problem was adhd, you would have been better off with a prescription for that, instead of having to take two mind-altering substances as patches on patchwork solutions)

Honestly I’m not the best to ask about the border between delusion and anxiety - professionals have repeatedly told me I’ve long since crossed the border (hence why I’m diagnosed as schizophrenic) but in my own mind I’m still just “a very anxious person”...

I hope this was at least a bit helpful, my computer is lagging and so is my brain, so I’m going to wrap this up here.

Best of luck anon!

Cat

[anasianpotato]

30 Days Writing Challenge

I just found this challenge on twitter and, well, i dont really have much things to do soooo here we go!!

DAY 1: its either im way too excited for things or idgaf at all, theres no in between. im socially awkward, especially around new people, but once you get to know me theres no way to stop me from talking! im a lil bit sarcastic and like to throw shades at people ehe and lastly, i love spilled tea but not spilling them #guilty

DAY 2: good music makeeeeeeessss me super happy, like literally it can set my mood for the day. i loveee cute animals, just looking at them makes me happy! and also mini-sized things makes me want to explode from happiness hehehe lastly, hugs and kisses

DAY 3: Bandung, June 22nd 2019. The place, the moment, the person. Everything was soooo perfect. We went to see Phum Viphurit and it was nothing less than amazing. The rough chair, the 8 hr trip, the sunset. We started to grow apart at that time, we both knew it but refused to talk about it. Joji’s Sanctuary just recently came out, he suddenly took out his earphones, plugged it to his phone, offered me the left piece, then he played the song. We were immersed in the song and lyrics and just enjoyed the sunset while sitting on the train.

DAY 4: Greece!!! UK!! Budapest!! Bandung!! Surabaya!! New York!! There are lot of places i want to visit but im in short of money soooooo yup :-) 

DAY 5: They are doing pretty much good as parents. I mean they are not the best but also not the worst. I appreciate everything they’ve done for me and yeah im grateful to have them in my life even tho im not really fond of them, i guess?

DAY 6: Being single comes hand-in-hand with happiness. I mean, its literally the time and the chance for us to learn something new about ourselves. Being single means you are not tied down to do things that you dont want to do. Being single makes you realize that you are the ONLY one person that is responsible for your own happiness. Dont let other people define your happiness!!! lol this literally is something that i write for myself.

DAY 7: Cant pick one. I loveeeeeee romance comedy movies. Cheesy, i know. My favorites are the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, 500 days of summer, hes just not that into you, love actually, bridget jones’ diary, music&lyrics. I also love shrek the third, idk why i just love it, watched it hundreds time. The emperor’s new groove also my fav. Ghiblis’ movies are awesome too!! Spirited away, howl’s moving castle, the wind rises, and ocean waves are so so so so goodddd!! Oh and i also love Lalaland, The King’s Speech, theory of everything, the danish girl, and the imitation game.

DAY 8: Music is soooooooooo powerful!!!! I mean it. It really is powerful, well, at least for me. You know that feeling when you just found a really good song that somehow relates to you??? Music makes you feel things. I guess its just how art works? They make you feel things? Oh and also, music is the closest thing to time machine right now. See? Music, well, art in general can transport you!!

DAY 9: Happiness is def something that you need to earn by yourself. You cant just depend your happiness on someone/something else. Happiness is different for everyone, just try to find the meaning of YOUR happiness and go for it. Well, im still struggling to find my own happiness tho but lets just keep trying, shall we?

DAY 10: I dont really have that much of friend tbh but you know what they say, quality over quantity. My best friends are literally the main reason why im still here. They mean the whole world to me.

DAY 11: There’s nothing much to say about my sibling if im being honest. My sister lives in Jkt with her husband and her kids. My brother is autistic. I love my brother to death and will do anything for him. Thats all.

DAY 12: I LOVEEEEEE TV SERIES HAHAHAHA. From the good ones, to the shitty ones. Some of my favorites are modern family, the good place, brooklyn 99, stranger things, how to get away from murder, next in fashion, the amazing world of gumball, andddd i suddenly cant remember anything else

DAY 13: I dont really read books a lot, but one of my favorites is Norwegian Wood. Its just soooooo beautifully written. You can feel the love, the pain, the warmth, you can feel everything through Haruki Mukami’s words.

DAY 14: Im not the most stylish person you will ever meet. I wear similar things everyday. Neutral colors paired with culottes and sandals or sneakers. Thats it. I actually love colors but not confident enough to wear it.

DAY 15: New York or London. I dont know, i’ve always admired busy places. Cities filled with busy people doing their own thing. No one gives a fuck about what you do. Busy places make you think no matter how shitty your day is, there will always be tomorrow.

DAY 16: we used to do everything together. we used to talk for hours about everything. we used to share our favorite songs to each other. we used to laugh at our own stupid jokes. we used to go to music gigs together. we used to watch movies together. not sure if he is the one that im missing or is it just the memories? the time that we spent together was beautiful. its kinda funny to think now that we act like a stranger to each other but yeah time changes people. he was my first everything. sometimes i wonder what would happen if we’re still together to this day, would i be happier? or would i suffer more? this may sound ridiculous, but what we had was as beautiful as lyrics in songs, melodies in musics, colors in paintings. ewwwww this is sooo cringe worthy lol okay i’ll stop.

DAY 17: im so attracted to funny guys i dont know why lol i love guys who can make me laugh. i also love a guy who knows what hes doing. Guys with knowledge also turn me on lol oh and im sooo into guys with glasses.

DAY 18: 1. My full name is Bernadetha Sari Jasmine, 2. I was born in September 21st 1998, 3. I’m a middle child, 4. I’m socially awkward, 5. I literally overthink about everything, 6. I have low self-esteem, sad i know, 7. I’m majoring in Industrial Engineering, 8. I always speak the truth, 9. I’m loyal, 10. i love listening to musics, 11. i respect art, 12. i love the magic of cooking, 13. im an introvert, 14. i get shy around people im not close with, 15. im slow witted, 16. im detail oriented, 17. i know everything i want to know, 18. i wear glasses, 19. im the-go-with-the-flow kind of person, 20. i dont know what i want to do with my life, 21. i used to date a guy for 8 years straight lol, 22. i wear braces for 10 years (and still counting), 23. i hate dramas thus i always try to avoid it, 24. im a hopeless romantic, 25. im a pessimist, 26. i love ayam geprek so much!!! 27. i love buildings, 28. i also love the sound of the road when we drive around the city, 29. i daydream a lot, 30. i live in my own fantasy.

DAY 19: just read my writing for day 16

I think thats it for now, im getting tired lol prob going to continue this at some other time sooo see you!