#tho if i wanna make any switches to it this one isnt hard bc it doesnt fuck up anyone else

[sieglinde-freud]

ok i know i j posted the pairing chart and i was like “IM DONE IM HAPPY IM SATISFIED” but… im kinda… got hit with say’ri/cherche… thinking about it a little bit… oh no…

[gramarye]

really really long post where i just talk about johan from yugioh gx thank you

im thinking about johan tonight bc i was drawing him and i wanna talk abt him. bear with me. I REALLY LIKE JOHAN . TO START THIS OFF WITH i have an official licensed johan "WHERE AM I" shirt and i adore it its really funny also i used to have like a johan pin i bought from a german anime store and it was like 8 euros but i shipped it off to my friend who is really really crazy about johan

^johan where am i shirt

anyway johan. jessejohan. i like johan so much believe me he is my nordic scandinavian brethen i just think his writing has issues mainly that he has like no real relationships outside judai and like. i know as a gay person -- i am literally a lesbian In A Lesbian Relationship In Real Life -- that characters will become more likeable when they're queer coded bcuz its Different and its relatable. however i think his writing is kind of really weak and i quote this thing my friend said in 2022 like a lot

HARD TRUTHS TO SWALLOW jesse is a beautiful damsel in distress and his personality outside jaden and crystal beasts is kind of nothing. i love him tho

but the most offensive thing abt it writing wise is like in season 4 when they duel against trueman sorry it was fujiwara. okay i was rewatching gx ages ago and my ex was watching it with me and it was her first time seeing it and shes a literature major and when the whole. "what is the darkness in johan's heart" scene, AFTER IT WAS ESTABLISHED EVERYONE, EVERY STUDENT INCLUDING MANJOUME SHO ASUKA O'BRIEN ETCETC has darkness in their hearts,

my ex goes "if they reveal that he has no darkness in his heart because hes such a special boy im going to be so fucking mad because hes already a mary sue" (HER WORDS NOT MINE she was so mad about johan its funny.) AND THEN THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY DO

like he is literally too perfect. his only flaw is his one (1) time thing about getting lost which is never really brought up again (also its more of an endearing haha funny thing and yes i like it i have a shirt referencing that scene.) and the fact that.. he gets taken over i guess.

i do think the switch around where they bamboozle fujiwara is really funny. it is a funny scene i just wish they literally didn't do it at the cost of "johan is a perfect person without any mental weaknesses when literally every single other character has some flaws" I DONT GET IT!!!

maybe he can just photosynthesize his worries into strength i dont know. does anyone remember that meme

but really like WHAT IS JOHAN WITHOUT JUDAI!!!! why is he literally perfect and above other characters also. why could they not give him any darkness like What possible reason does that serve except me think he is BORING!!!! i do like johan btw as i said i really do. i just think his writing kinda sucks and people are way too nice on johan because he is queer coded but the fact is his writing is really weak. this isnt exclusive to johan ok i also dislike some aspects of jadens writing and asukas and so forth (naming characters i really like to prove my point) I AM CRITICAL this is just. about johan. ok.

and this brings me to the weirdo youtube essayists who only care about s3 and think its the peak of gx and yugioh in general and also. ONE SUCH YOUTUBER. WHO SAID IT IS "HOMOPHOBIC" THAT JESSE IS SOUTHERN IN THE DUB WHICH. WHAT?

you think all southern people all homophobic??? im sorry but i know so many goddamn queer people in thhe south. are you out of your mind. please blow up. LET HIM BE A GAY TEXAN you are just showing your own prejudice literally why did so many gx fans eat up "umm it was homophobic of 4kids to make him southern" they give like everyone accents. he has cowboy boots in his design. its not homophobia hes just southern and southern gay people exist. watch brokeback mountain or something

anway

i think johan is a much more interesting character if you incorporate his manga counterpart into it. like combine him with his anime self and it'd be really fun. his bug enthusiasm in the manga is fun like he has an actual hobby and personality. ADHD bug king

also i think personally they should lean into him being scandinavian more. ITS FUNNY. i think he should try to feed manjoume blodplättar because he looks anemic. he should open a can of surströmming around asuka (canonically very much hates food with strong smells) and she gets so upset she has to like leave the building entirely. she should get into a cultural dispute with o'brien because he thinks carola's swedish cover of mickey is better than toni basil's original

i think this and like. septembers mikrofonkåt is what he should listen to. swedish pop baby

anyway. i like johan i just think Some of his fans are insane and thats why i need to take him down a peg every now and then . in a loving bully way. also hes very gender to me dont worry about it. also TWO different people have said some variation of the "fuck danganronpa and its fans i hope komaeda marries a woman" post about him to me in different years which is so funny.

anyway yes i love jessejohan. send post

[effervescentdragon]

Weird writer questions, go :D

1, 4, 9, 13, 17 (SPY AU PLS), 25, 28, 36, 38

18:

How do you do that, Jenson thought as he watched Lewis scrunch his face, then throw his head back and laugh. How do you say those kind of things without even blinking? Do you know how much we love you, he thinks as Lewis pushes Nico back, his hand settling around Nico's waist in a move too smooth and too practiced to be just a one-off. Do you know how hard you push? And do you even care? Do you think we'll always forgive you? 

okay im typing this up bcs my computer is too slow for properly doing vocab log and i may have pushed myself into a hypoglycemia inadvertedly so im waiting for sugars to start functioning properly XD

this is weird writers asks, and it got LONG. ask me more tho, i love tinkerbelling :D

i think i answered, imma link it when i find it :D okay here it is. im basic af and blind as a bat, so i just switch to arial and like. 14 xD

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

uhm. not a word, but a phrase. "i have you" or "i got you". i fucking SCREAM.

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

ahahaha tbh idk? probably. i think it would be fun, having lil ghosts around. moving stuff taht i dont rmbr moving. i was in love w casper when i was a kid and absolutely believed in ghosts then, does that count?

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

any type of explicit torture, non-con, dub con, abuse and violence that isnt like, movie-like spy murder and stuff. i cant and won't.

easy is inner monologue and angst :) so so easy.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

you asked about the spy au. god. i wish i knew? like, im not sure how the lore works. i know we have criminal syndicates, the bulls and the cavallino rampantes (i take no criticism on this xD) and i know im thinking of a sort of. man from uncle kinda setup? for the good guys, but i dont have a centralized thrush. its vaguely james bond and john le carre inspired also, bcs im a sucker for those, but for other stuff, i legitimately have no fucking idea. it will come to me at some point, and knowing myself, everything will make it into the text. or i will talk your ear off with my worldbuilding. <333

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

i actually had to think about this a lot. i usually make sure to include at least hints in my writings, if for nobody else, for myself. but remembering any of it without re-reading the fics... hmmm. imma answer other questions then come back to this if i remember anything xD

OH I REMEMBERED. in the princess of monaco au, when seb and charles meet in the club and talk, when charles is drunk, seb already has a beginning of a crush on charles. then he makes himself stop, because charles is sixteen, as jules tells him, and he feels like an absolute bastard, so he keeps as far away as possible. thats why later, when they meet again and charles says "i cant go till im 18" seb kinda blanches. enzo isn't that far off in his freakout, but i have to clarify seb would never do anything, in fact he's gonna agonize over it a lote in general, but like. he thought the kid was cute, and he has morals, so he freaked. xD

28. Who is the most delightful character you’ve ever written? Why?

oh it has to be charles in my princess of monaco au. that is my therapy, that's just, idk, i love that version of him so much. he's very. close to my heart there. very close second is the way i wrote aredhel in his brother's keeper. idk why, i just love her there so very much, although she doesn't appear that much? and maybe azaghal in ardent red heartbreak, because, well. it's seb. :) however, lalwen has my heart all over, ngl. her and cirdan are adorable :)))

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice…what do you Know?

complicated family relationships. being a bitch due to circumstances and as a defence mechanism (khm vielleicht vielleicht sequel). having a legacy. defying the legacy. being fundamentally wrong and having the world swept from under you. fighting not to die. grief. maybe some other things, but those are for anyone who reads the fics to tell me if they noticed something. im in the eyes of the storm. i dont know.

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

i dont think anything i do is weird tbh? i could do with a bit less research that isnt relevant for anything except my peace of mind. i think cats are like. "peasant. heathen. feed me. yesssss-now move. bitch. uwu. bye" :)

aaaand.

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end. Spicy addition: Questioner provides the passage.

so. THAT. passage. well. i mean. as you may or may not know, i relied on my own personal experiences for that fic, adjusted very much for the appropriate context (as in, them being rich dudes and decidedly not in hs, tho you wouldn't know it). i. like nico. i think i get nico on some level. and nico, he. he pushes, because he's always had to push. because of the legacy and because of the insecurity. because he has to know, if. well. is this going to be the moment where they quit on me? is this going to be the moment when i become too much for them? is this the moment where they say to themselves thats it, im done, i cant take him and all that he is anymore. he's too much for me. he's too this or too that and not enough of modesty and not enough of poise and not enough of effortless beauty and class, like he should be. im done

so he pushes. and he's charming about it. and he waits, because, well. he was never taught that love can be unconditional.

SUGARS GOOD. I LOVE YOU, THANK YOU FOR ASKING!!!

[blush-and-books]

i'm about to pass out but needed to write this - JATP + school headcanons

*disclaimer: I am only evaluating their attitudes and performance in what are considered "core" classes in my state. Idk if it is universal. These are also generalizations -- ik theres different types of math and science that they are taking

LUKE

He inspired this so we start with the king

ENGLISH CLASS: He excelled. Somehow, unknowingly, became his teacher's favorite. Did the homework for this class and ONLY this class. A+

MATH CLASS: B-/C+. Does not like math, hates it actually, never did the homework. Somehow averaged a B+/A- on tests and quizzes because he would have Reggie tutor him days before in preparation. Teacher always shocked at how he managed.

HISTORY CLASS: Did not do the homework, but still, like, paid attention?? Had it with all the guys so there were funny moments and events to associate with each lesson and lecture and somehow he remembered it. Again, did not do the homework. Maybe if he was super bored. C+/B-

SCIENCE CLASS: Skipped it most of the time. Would show up for labs and experiments even if he had no clue what was going on. Bobby tried to help but Luke was so uninterested lol, and the teacher was v boring!!! Not fun. D+

LANGUAGE: Took Spanish because its what everyone did??? He thought it would be the most useful but it ended up being such a mistake. He thought that English was complicated, but shit!!! Hard :(( Julie tried to revive his education but fails often (but hes really faking it bc he just wants to keep hearing her speak Spanish and try to teach him). D+/C-

JULIE

ENGLISH CLASS: Aces all of her essays. Emotionally attached to all of her female English teachers!! Sometimes her interpretations of the books are a little off but literally everyone's are. Loves English. A-/A

MATH CLASS: Gifted kid syndrome but only with math if that makes sense?? Got super ahead in elementary and middle school but now that shes in high school she barely knows what's going on and is running out of math classes to take because she was able to jump so much from middle to high school. Has to study the most for this one. Thank god for Reggie. B-

HISTORY CLASS: Could take it or leave it! Likes the subject but hates the teacher. Does well on tests to spite them. Doodles too much on her homework and it annoys the teacher v much. A-

SCIENCE CLASS: kinds vibes ngl??? Something kinds cool about it. Has Flynn in the class, a fun young science teacher, and they all just have a really good time. Julie never really liked science but with the right people and environment shes flourishing!!! A

LANGUAGE: Did not have to take one -- took a fluency exam in Spanish her freshman year. Has minor superiority complex every time Flynn complains about not knowing her language.

REGGIE

ENGLISH CLASS: Got distracted hella easily... Not very fun :( teacher didn't understand that he had ADHD and learned things in a different way. Luke tried to help him cheat on tests tho so he didnt have to repeat the class. D+/C-

MATH CLASS: GENIUS!?!?!?!? GENIUS. Literally took two math classes one year bc he could. Somehow it all made sense. Really loved how numbers were consistent and clearly right or wrong; not subjective. Teachers loved him because he was always kind and positive and brought a smile to everyones face. A+++

HISTORY CLASS: Did not suck at it??? Kinda cool stuff and fun times with his besties. Did better in the class than any of them. Teacher was a total prick tho and Reggie was also late because it was their period right after lunch and he was a slow eater and the teacher didnt allow food. Again: teacher was a prick. B+

SCIENCE CLASS: Enjoyed the labs and experiments, usually aced those because he has exceptional attention to detail. Everything else, not so much. Certain concepts were just very hard to grasp and he had a hard time creating ways to remember things. C+

LANGUAGE: He took French because he knew his mom took French when she was in high school and he thought she could help him and they could bond. That plan didn't really work out -- but he still did okay, even if his mom didn't pay attention. B-

ALEX

ENGLISH CLASS: In between Luke and Reggie -- read the books and retained most of the information, but the essays were not it. He really liked class discussions even though the teacher would tell him his interpretations were wrong (how do you interpret something incorrectly?? Art is up for interpretation?? He will never quite understand). B+/B-

MATH CLASS: Kill him. Least favorite class. Hates math and has hated math since his first lesson on fractions broke his spirit in third grade. Reggie helped him through most of it but shit really did not click. Did his best because his parents would be mad if he didn't. C-/C+

HISTORY CLASS: Very into history for some unknown reason??? The TA in the class was hot so he made sure to pay attention and make a good impression. He was often apologizing for the behavior of his bandmates. A+

SCIENCE CLASS: Did not hate it!!! Had the fun young new teacher instead of the same old dude that had been there for 20 years. She was really fun and sweet (and totally got the vibe he was gay and was super supportive)!!! He didnt quite understand everything but still worked his ass off. B+

LANGUAGE: French with Reggie because he thought it was a more romantic language. Quickly realized his mistake and switched to Spanish the next year. Realized his mistake again (the mistake being that he would be good at learning a new language) and stopped trying lol. C+

FLYNN

ENGLISH CLASS: Her essays are well written because Julie edits all of them. Like Alex, is always told that she is reading the text wrong?? The two of them bond mega over that. Just because she has a wider imagination does not mean she should be punished for it!!! B+

MATH CLASS: Geometry is her jam but algebra makes her wanna commit every degree of murder. Sometimes it clicks and sometimes it definitely does not. Probably dont ask her for help because shes awful at explaining things. B-

HISTORY CLASS: Hates it here!!!!!!!! She hates the curriculum, hates the lecturing, and constantly either feels bored or singled out in every lesson. Is advocating in the district for textbook and curriculum reform to include diverse and pan-ethnic studies. C-

SCIENCE CLASS: Her favorite class!!!!!! Loves everything about it. She isnt learning how the world works through history but instead through the facts of science. She feels invincible in the lab and like she has so much more to discover. She particularly enjoys astronomy. A+

LANGUAGE: Spanish so that Julie could help her out!!! Can barely utter more than 2 sentences in conversation but is perfect on paper and that's more than half of the battle. A-

[somuch-4-stardust]

For the hyperfixation ask game!

🎶 If your hyperfixation has songs/an ost, what is your favorite song from it?

🎥 Do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?

💎 Are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?

- 🥀📚

OKAY IM TAKING MLP FOR THE FIRST ONE!! "🎶 If your hyperfixation has songs/an ost, what is your favorite song from it?" i rllylike most of the equestria girl songs !!! i also rlly like the song at the end of season seven episode fourteen (or at least i did for a long while i havent listened to it in forever) i liked it so much that i used to rewatch that episode over and over and over again just to hear the song at the end and i had the whole episode memorized!! BACK TO EQUESTRIA GIRLS THO!!! i rlly like the into song to everfree!!! and i like acadeca from friendship games ^-^ ALSO ALSO ALSO dont make fun of me but i rlly like dance magic from. dance magic alsdkfn;askdf ITS CATCHY OKAY!!!! and also rn im listening to legend you were meant to be from everfree!!!

WE R SWITCHING GEARS TO DSMP!!! (and studio ghibli) "🎥 Do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?" I RLLY LIKE THE SCENE WHERE GHOSTBUR SHEARS FRIEND AND THEN HAS PHIL GO OUT AND HAVE FRIEND EAT SOME GRASS AND GROW HIS FUR BACK BC ITS RAINING AND GHOSTBUR CAN GO OUTSIDE (even tho phil is on house arrest) !! ALSO IN KIKI'S DELIVERY SURFACE WHEN SHES FLYING OVER THE CITIES N TOWNS N STUFF!!! and in my neighbor totoro when the little girls go on the cat bus!!!!

OKAY NOW WE R IN MISC CATEGORY "💎 Are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?" ummm fun fact!!!! hold on now youngster's birthday is the twenty fourth of february and my birthday is the twenty eighth of february which isnt THAT close together BUT i still think its cool!!! also its not a fact but its TRUE los campesinos cover of c is the heavenly option is better than the original!!! also LOS CAMPESINOS LIKE TRANS PPL!!!! and every venue they play at on tours have gender neutral bathrooms!!!!! and also also not a fact BUT coming up a cutie mark for urself or smth is HARD!!!! also also also also also not really a fact BUT ive noticed that there are like two versions of the language of flowers, one, which is more commonly used today (in all kinds of florist shops n stuff, just to find good wedding or funeral or mothers day flowers and stuff) is very simple with meanings like 'purity' 'undying love' 'joy' etc AND THE OTHER!!! is older and (in my opinion the better type!!) is like. w more complex code-like meanings, for example things like 'bro i dont wanna date u tf' and 'we should meet up omg', along w the 'forgiveness' and 'friendship' type. <- again disclaimer this is just me talking i dont think theres actual proof of this.

[iiasha-archived]

(same anon from earlier) i got keqing as my first pity pull actually! would love jean - as you said she would work nice with xiao. i use barbara or diona with him usually. c6 xiao sounds unstoppable and i want it so bad haha. i did zhongli's story quest yesterday (i only started playing late january so sadly i missed him :/ ), but DAMN he was amazing and I cant wait for him to come back. i really want to pull more xingqui and chongyun but nope i got 3 xianglings lol. (1/3)

(under readmore since it got long lmao)

(2/3) oo your team sounds cool! fischl (and razor) are the only two four stars I dont have :/ xingqui is super nice! hes part of my b team im building for spiral abyss. do you have the lithic weapons for the liyue team? my main team changes around a bit. usually xiao and keqing and then either xinyan or chngyun and either diona or barbara for healing. i... kind of just use people i like instead of figuring out good combos lol.

(3/3) so i ended up using that gift card i had and got 41 wishes. PULLED HU TAO TWICE AND NEITHER FOR PITY. I CANT BELIEVE THAT I DID THAT. sadly dont have enough stuff to get her to a useable lvl yet but getting her and mona up are my goal now haha. my polearm team is one it's way.. hehe. hate that hu tao also uses the juvenile jades like xiao :/ those are so annoying to get. and mona needs those philanemo mushroom which are ALSO annoying to get.

YOU GOT KEQING??? 😭😭😭 omg im so jealous she seems so fun to play as and while im not actively pulling for her def wouldn't mind having her as well hahaha (kinda skipped her banner altho she is on the other one as well). mona isnt bad she just doesnt rly fit my playstyle so i dont rly use her even though i did get her up to lvl 80 at least (and yeah those fucking mushrooms. THOSE FUCKING MUSHROOMS.)

I think sucrose is the only 4 star I have although I've been playing for a while now and YESSSS as y'all probably know I fucking love zhongli and I hear he got much better after his buff (tho idec about his stats rly just want rock dad to come home. like I just need him and his deep ass voice on my team LMAOO)

omg 3 xianglings 😂 i think my xiangling is still only at C0 fjshsjdhjd and I REALLY love chongyun I will not rest until that boy is at C6. I actually haven't done the spiral abyss in a while I should check up on that

and also honestly weapons are like the last thing I pay attention to in this game 😂 I just give my strongest characters whatever's the best weapon I currently have for them. I don't think I have any lithic weapons sadly

but MOOD at the end of the day I don't really care too much about stats I just use whoever's fun to play and which characters I like 🥰 I also will probably rotate out characters who I've maxed out friendship with, like for me that's only fischl so far which is why I'm using xiangling more but a couple of my other characters are close to maxing out friendship as well so my main team might switch up soon 👀

OMG CONGRATS ON THE HU TAO 🎉🎉🎉🎉 polearm team sounds fun I actually kinda wanna make a claymore team since I fucking love claymores but chongyun is my only competent claymore user so far lmaooo

leveling up characters is rly the most 😩 part of this game but I understand they can't really make it easier bc then it makes the game. too easy? I guess lmao. but godddd yeah that boss for the juvenile jades is such a pain (although the oceanid still wins in terms of pure pain in the ass) like it isn't even particularly hard but it takes forever to kill and it's annoying for me bc I don't have any good geo/shield characters to make shields with except maybe geo traveler but they kinda really suck 😩

[jetsamjunk]

I was gonna draw the next baby turtle au thing tonight but while watching “New York’s Shiniest” a ‘87 tmnt episode, I got to talking with my QP about a Casey Jones..sona? a Casey oc? Like I know I already drew them but I guess I wanna develop this au Casey Jones now? (don’t worry more baby turtle au to come, you have no idea)

(that line isn’t a place holder, I am just terrible at puns and one liners but I won’t let that stop me)

Ok if you’re interested in knowing more, read below. I’m half way through an intro comic bc I’d like to use this au Casey Jones to explore a genderfluid character, so I think I’d like to develop on this.

Also under the cut is some wip of the intro comic I did tonight instead of baby turtle au(I’ll be doing the next baby turtle au comics this weekend, bc I gotta show you guys what Mikey, Leo and Raph did with the baby turtles that appeared in their lives. Let’s just say that Donnie, even tho extreme, was the only one to respond responsibly, total shocker I know).

Ok so in this ep that inspired this Jonesona, Irma(April’s bestie) is basically down to peg a robot, which lead to me suddenly on Irma’s team(bc I’d totally date a robot) and then one thing lead to another and my QP and I came up with the concept of a genderfluid Casey Jones(we were blending Irma and Casey’s roles and joking about a Casey Jones who has a thing for robots, which turned into this whole thing right here). We were discussing that maybe they’d take on more culturally masculine traits when they go out and do sports or fight monsters in the alley way and more culturally feminine traits when socializing or out casually skating or w/e, but those two would intersect and blend at times also.

I thought if I set up an actual oc/fanoc (I’ve never done this kind of fanart/fanfiction before so idk) that I could try to like..get that sort of idea across with a sorta pre-established character? Like overtime I’d get to draw their posture or mannerisms with subtle changes showing a switch without having to verbally announce it, or like with how they refer to themselves...I dunno I never really see that kind of character? or like that kind of gender differences, the closest you get is like a butch lady who still likes cute things or a frilly man who likes ‘manly’ hobbies. Which...isnt the same thing? I’d like to see something that matches more of what I experience even if the personality is different than my own.(I’ve been heavily exploring my identity and recently identified as non binary and even if this character concept varies from the specifics of my exact experience, I’d still like to explore and form this genderfluid character(like they’ll likely just turn into an oc with a different name one day but for now a Casey Jones oc sounds...fun? And doing stuff for fun has been really working out for me artistically).

Anyway back to some AU Casey specifics,  I thought it would be fun to sometimes draw this Casey Jones sad when they have to beat up a robot, I had this idea of them wanting to be besties with Shelldon wishing he was more sentient AI w/soul over the more “I’m a robot” AI.(I also want fun excuses to draw Shelldon) We were joking that this was like my Casey Jones-sona so I can have this character fulfill my platonic crush on April as well as my desire to befriend that lovely purple drone.

It’s silly and I’ll only do so much of it, I guess I’d also like to draw this badass genderfluid character now and again who is Casey Jones themed. This is new territory for me, I mean the level of fanart I’ve done in the last 3 weeks is new territory for me, seriously I’ve never gone so hard into fanart before. So I feel a bit awkward and embarrassed over this, buuut I’m also trying to be more confident in my ideas and I felt it couldn’t hurt to share and drawing for my own enjoyment has proved good so why stop now?

So if you’ve read all this and have any input, please share it! Like...did this all make sense? What do you think of this genderfluid Casey idea? Who’s with me on that robot love?  

Also, as I said above, here is a preview of the intro to come:

[yn6k]

hi shine! i wanted to know your thoughts about the book of us: gravity album? any personal favorites? least favorites?

sorry this is so late! i wanted to take my time to answer it because i do have a lot of thoughtsTM hahaha more (like a LOT more) under the cut :) 

so on first listen of the album, or honestly even just from the album spoiler haha, my ears instantly focused in on cover and how to love! so i’ll probably have the most to say about those songs + time of our life since ive listened to them the most!!for me: love how its in compound meter! always love me a good 12/8 or 6/8 or whatever it is haha its felt in three basically lskj i dont have a lot to say about this song? i think the focus is more on the lyrics? but musically i cant really identify anything that really sticks out to me alkdj like typical poprock i really dont know what to say maybe theres more interesting things going on underneath that im terrible at picking out (like in the chord progressions) fav part is def the prechorus^^time of our life: its so weird talking about this now bc ive gotten so used to the song that lkj some of what im saying (like the changes i would have done) feels /wrong/ but ahaha still here are some of my thoughts^^ FIRST OF ALL WONPILS PIANO SOLO >>>>> i just really love listening to it and i think an underrated part of his solo is the i think synth drums underneath them and how it creates this driving motion for the song and so like even tho the song starts kind of bare we can go straight into that hype instrumental intro instead of like having only his solo be the intro and going straight into the more mellower verse or smth along those lines? hahaha i think on first listen the first thing that stood out to me was how the chorus sounded like an extension of the verse?  like the chorus wasnt very obvious and im not sure why in terms of like chord progression music theory, but in terms of instrumentation i think one of the reasons is because that driving quarter note drum thing we get in the chorus only resolves in the second half of the chorus instead of sometime in the first half of it. so it almost gives off this sense that we might be building up to something greater but we arent? really like all of this energy from the drums piling up for seemingly no reason and also the effect that it has on really accentuating the opening lines of the chorus dissipates imo the longer that drum rhythm plays out. like the whole “a page of beautiful youth” part that opens the chorus is mostly all quarter notes and i love how we have the quarter notes within the actual drum line to back that up but then two things after that happen: 1) we get i guess a reiteration of the opening melody in the chorus with the “let’s write it together” which i feel like having the drumming driving with those same quarter notes underneath it makes the intro of the chorus feel a bit less special and memorable? and 2) and after that line plays out, the melody becomes a bit more loose in in terms of its rhythm (the ‘i want to fill it with our memories’ part) the melody doesnt have those same impactful quarter notes anymore, but u still have the drum playing it so its kind of? like a why? at that point like i personally feel it takes away from the support it gives to the earlier melody that was obviously more driving quarter notes. i kind of wish that driving forward motion in the drumline was resolved within the third measure of the chorus with like a singular drum hit into the release (like going from here to something like here but with a drum hit in between as a transition or smth? hard to explain lks i actually had a made a video a while back kind of experimenting with the sound but idk how to upload it to here) but!! i am a fan of having those driving quarter notes coming out of the bridge i love the usage of it there and would not change a thing! i think it fits because we are actually building up to that release in the instrumental, it feels a lot different than the chorus which just feels like it drags on for a bit too long. but i would also would have liked if we had a bit of an instrumental pause or something like right after sungjin says ‘dont worry about a thing’ like after that ‘ma’ a brief pause or like even the omission of the downbeat that the drum is giving like /something/ missing before we get back into him singing ‘leave everything to me’ idk i feel like that change would have been interesting and way to build up tension again in a way?? anyways to circle back to my original point about the chorus feeling like an extension of the verse..i lowkey feel like maybe day6 felt that a bit too? laksdj and thats why we got that drum intermission bw the end of the prechorus and the start of the chorus but thats just a theory idk how true it is like honestly to me it felt slightly out of place and kind of a random transition? i dunno i could be wronghere are some misc. things not in too much detail since i think talking about one song has already gotten too long alksdj but sungjins part in the prechorus i think could have been sung a bit /gentler/ than his usual throaty approach for day6 songs idk. love the vocal layering in the chorus! maybe my headphones are terrible and maybe im biased (a bit of both or neither who knows) but laksdj i kinda wish youngks bass part was a tad bit louder he has some cool parts that often get overshadowed by the electric guitars + vocals i think (like here! the sound is so tiny in the studio i wish they had brought it out a bit more because when it is brought out it like here sounds gorgeous…that sound actually might be a bit overpowering actually haha but some happy balance bw those two). also totally random but i love the way jae says ‘한 페이지’ its just satisfying to listen to like he slurs the words a bit? whereas sungjin in his part is more staccato and lkj i think i prefer the legato connection of the words to the staccato one. also thank god they brought back the piano solo for the bridge laksjhow to love: SHE!! was a favorite/look out for since the album spoiler and she did not disappoint. wonpil said it was motown influenced? love that for them;; the chord progressions are funky and fun to listen out for! love how we get a bit of instrumental differences between the first and second reiteration of the first part of the verse?  (the introduction of this electric guitar kind of in ur left ear if ur wearing head phones thats not there initially but then also this part in the electric guitar in the right ear which isnt there also again in the first reiteration just to keep it different and not redundant! i love the prechorus, introduction of strings for chorus stellar (but im strings biased) but its just so fun to follow how its similar and different to the vocal melody also whats a day6 song without some sort of chanting! love how the rhythm in the melody follows the drum part into the chorus all three times that it happens! the bridge is funky love it haha and also just love how at the end they switch up the ‘cause im ready’ and have sungjin jae and wonpil each sing one of those and then have youngk end with the ‘ooooh’ i thought that was adorable. ok keeping it short thats all i’ll saywanna go back: not to be a svt stan but holiday is that you? hahah jkjk its just a similar genre its like holiday meets maroon 5 haha i actually enjoy a lot of the song the chord progressions in the verses are interesting but also the prechorus is really pretty sounding but lakjd i honestly wish the tempo was just a little bit faster in the chorus i feel like its dragging a bit its hard for me personally to stay engaged with the song because of the murky feeling i personally get from the chorus. also the transition into the second verse is kinda ?? idk ahahaha but yeah main thing is just i wish the tempo was even just the tiniest bit faster for the chorus specifically i feel like verses are fine but just the chorus could have afforded to been a bit faster…but maybe this is just a personal experience cover: this is my personal favorite from the album! musically i just love the sound of the chord progressions in the verses? also the chorus! she! the vocal melody how it goes down but then u hear that piano in the background go up *chefs kiss* art! and i love the changes in the instrumental they introduced for the second verse! they added the bass i believe as well as another electric guitar part that isnt that muted plucking thing that we got in the first verse! AND THEN THE BRIDGE!!!!!!! THAT!!! IS!! A!! BRIDGE!!!! its so stunning and incredibly climatic and beautifully executed!!! i believe thats the first time the drums proper actually come in can you believe it (there are percussion sounds before but i think its a tambourine + a shaker/maraca? essentially not the drumset);; the tension that just the introduction of drums really brings to the piece ahhh and also the chord progressions really take u for a ride the first time u hear it and u dont know what to expect;; and then we get out of the chorus with ‘because im weak and not cool’ as a deviance from the earlier lyrics of ‘my weak and not cool side’ then DRUMTRIPLET!!!!! LAST CHORUS!! MORE DRUM TRIPLETS!! so wonderful the pOWER really the whole song is a huge crescendo ?? kind of influenced by the fact that they keep layering instruments which i absolutely LOVE like its beautiful haha but then the last chorus is just the quickest decrescendo ever as a way to fade out from the song but now with all the instruments (love how the last line really like enforces its importance and lyrical difference from the earlier ‘in the end i was seen’ by having that drum just punch it into u with every hit of the bass drum haha) also like how its not a true circular ending (but it kinda is) like there are instrumental and lyrical differences from the start and the end one thing i kind of wished they experimented with was like maybe mixing up some members voices in the chorus? like i tried a youngpil one myself haha where wonpil sings this part, then youngk, wonpil, youngk (again i hve a video for this but idunno how to upload to this ask) but its not like the song to me suffered from having singular member choruses i just thought it might be kinda cool haha anywhos im biased i love this song and laksj didnt even go into the lyrics rip anyways moving onbest part: i think its really cute that they composed this to be specifically be enjoyed in concert! i really like the best paaaaaaaaa aaaart like that swoop they do and the layering of the vocals i also think its super cool how some of the instrumental drop out towards the end of the chorus but alskj another ‘wanna go back’ transition into the second verse are they experimenting with this transition or smth?? but it just feels like inserted bc they couldnt think of a better way to transition into second verse which?? just kind of awkward akjl idk but maybe they have a reason for it i dont know! but yeah haha again musically im not really sure what to say kinda like for me it just feels like standard pop rock which isnt a bad thing just a /thing/ ahaha 

[doublebabyboy]

what got7 are like in bed

obv this is just my opinion, i’d happily discuss them w you if youd msg me or send me an ask but yeah

warning: smut (obviously)

mark:

probably a little flustered at first

but the more he warms up to you, the more of a tease he becomes

not exactly a hardcore dom or sub, just a top since he’s pretty lowkey

but would bottom for you if you asked

just likes being on top bc he likes doing all the work

giver > receiver

he gets off on whatever you get off on, not really any major kinks or turn ons on his part, except one i’ll get onto later down the list

knows how crazy his voice can drive you and takes full advantage of it

so therefore; dirty talk

doesn’t really know what to say tho so just focuses on how good you make him feel

“fuck baby you’re so tight” “mmm that feels good”

uses “baby” or “babygirl” a lot

relatively quiet apart from dirty talk, occasional quiet moans

but if you pull his hair he won’t be able to help a louder moan slipping out

now onto the part you’ve been waiting for, his one major turn on:

hickeys

have you fuckign seen his teeth?? his lil canines?? perfect for hickeys im tELLing you

loves marking (pun intended BAD UM TSS) all over your neck, collarbones, and inner thighs

not into like super dark large bruises but more like lots of small lovebites scattered all over the place

the reason why he’s mostly quiet is bc if his mouth isnt whispering dirty things in your ear, its on your skin

doesn’t really have a fav position as long as it gives easy access to your neck

can only go once but can last a looooong time; best at self control apart from jinyoung

pretty needy, doesn’t like vocalizing it tho

so he’d probably try to give you the hint subtly like casually rubbing your inner thigh and giving you that look with dark eyes as he bites his lip subconsciously

usually that’s all it takes but if you decide to tease him he’ll break eventually, he’ll lean close right next to your ear and whisper “please baby,” and move your hand to his bulge and fffuck you can’t resist that

jaebum:

sigh

yall know he’s a daddy

sorry if you dont like the kink but have you seen jaebum,,, hes a daddy

HELLA DOM

might sub for you like once a year but he won’t be a good boy

probably a huge brat that keeps trying to take control again so you’d probably have to handcuff him or physically restrain him from taking over somehow

if not, he will flip you over and fuck you into the mattress for even attempting

but anyways if you dont like daddy he’d settle for master or sir but if you’d rather just use his name he’d still want to be very in control

whatever name you’re using, you’d be screaming it

tells you to be quiet and not make a noise, but actually loves it when you’re vocal, he just tells you off so he can have an excuse to punish you or just tease you and see how far he can push you

loves pushing your limits

groans loudly when you clench around him

dirty talk

“you’re such a good girl for daddy” “don’t make daddy punish you” “i own this pretty little cunt, got it?”

likes marking you where everyone can see, the smug bastard

bondage (giving)

edging!! hes such a tease

orgasm denial if you’re being a brat

will not let you come unless you’re begging

if you come early he’ll rile you up again only to leave you hanging or with a dry orgasm

wants you to be his good girl but enjoys the challenge of a brat

“babygirl” “baby” “kitten” “pet”

prefers giving oral because he likes watching you squirm

makes you cum multiple times from his tongue

won’t deny a blowjob though

threads his hands in your hair and pulls harshly, letting out low grunts

likes to come inside you

jackson:

oh boy

switch but probably won’t be a whiny sub/good boy

very vocal either way

sweet talk and praise aaaaaaaaall the way

“you’re taking my cock so well baby” “fuck princess you’re so good to me”

pet names!!

“princess” “baby” “angel” “babygirl” you name it

b o d y  w o r s h i p

treats your body like a temple; loves every inch of it

kisses eeeeverywhere

likes marking your thighs

just loves your thighs in general hes a thigh man

thigh highs??? o o f he’s wrecked

loooves lingerie, will move your panties to the side and leave it on if you decide to wear it

sobs tHIGH RIDING have you seen this mans thighs

and the way he lowkey gave jinyoung a lap dance when he said he wanted to feel his “manly thighs”? he would so get off on watchin you get off on his thigh

loves receiving head but always insists on repaying the favour

shameless moaning; will tell you what youre doing good

likes it when you tell him what he’s doing right or just tell him what to do, he wants to do anything in his power to please you

im sobbing he’d treat you like a QUEEN

you’re more vanilla? he got it. you wanna be rough and kinky? gladly. you wanna tie his to the bed post? fuck it, sure. want it slow and romantic? any day of the week. wanna call him daddy? why not. the list goes on

would be okay with threesomes if it was with someone he was close to/trusted enough to know they’d treat you well, maybe even a poly partner

doesnt mind if its ffm or mmf i get the feeling he’s bi anyways

very caring and attentive to your needs

is quite needy himself tho

always dtf

“princess i’m so hard for you...can you help me out?”

king of aftercare

would clean you up and cuddle you

probably end up going for round four in the shower if you clean up int here tho

this man has stamina and WILL go multiple times, wants you to do the same

jinyoung:

soft dom

probably the most vanilla out of the group imo

really romantic

when he has time, likes to set up the mood by putting rose petals everywhere and like mood lighting maybe with some scented candles and like music??

wants the full experience yknow

not a huge fan of quickies but will do them if he gets a boner he cant get rid of at a bad time

still tho, a huge tease

intense eye contact

will smirk at you and just hover over you, waiting for you to cave in and beg him to touch you

always goes down on you before going in, he knows foreplay is important, plus he loves being in between your legs

mainly bc he lives off the sounds of your moans and whimpers

music to his ears

likes giving it to you nice and slow until you urge him to go faster

tends to only go once or twice himself but if you want more he’d happily go down on you again afterwards or use his fingers

body worship; but probably not to jackson’s extent

also quite quiet in terms of moans, mostly just low grunts and lots of erratic breathing

always asks if you’re okay

sweet talk sweet talk

literally the definition of whispering sweet nothings into your ear as he makes love to you

how pretty you look under him, how good you’re being, how much he loves you

most of the time loving and gentle but if you prefer more rough sex he’s down for that too

will leave hickeys in places where people can’t see, he likes knowing that you hide a dirty little secret under those clothes

has the most self-control in the group, can hold back for a long time because he always insists on you coming first and refuses to come before you

youngjae:

im already dying

ultimate sub

fucking fight me youngjae is the biggest sub ever he’s babyboy culture

might top for you if youre a hella sub too but never full on dom, ever

would be really blushy and flustered and always asking if he’s hurting you

seems pretty vanilla when he tops, lets his inner freak out as a bottom

extremely, extremely vocal

just can’t help the moans and whines tumble out of his mouth when you make him feel so good

he starts off biting his lip to try stay quiet but it does’t really work

eventually just lets it all out and is very loud

his moans would be the most delicious noises in the world

loves it when you talk dirty to him

just do it

talk dirty to him

it makes him feel so filthy and he basks in it

CALL HIM BABYBOY he’s so weak for that

likes being completely powerless and surrendering to you and letting you have your way with him

just loves it when you tell him what to do

pull on his hair pull on his hair he will go w i  l d

won’t bring it up or suggest it but if you used toys on him he’d go crazy

would love to use a toy you’ve already used on yourself, again it makes him feel dirty and he loves it

degrade him or praise him or a mix of both, either way he’ll love it

probably would struggle to form proper sentences so just moans a lot and lets out strings of curses and moans your name,, loudly,,

unless you havent gotten the message already HE LOUD

will ask you for hickeys, he loves when you cover him in them, he’ll just look at them in the mirror the next day in awe

pretty low self control but can come multiple times

highkey likes being overstimulated

needs aftercare; clean him up and give him lots and lots of cuddles

and food bc who doesn’t like food

tell him he did well and he’ll melt into a puddle if he hasn’t already

im so wrecked for sub youngjae oh y god

im not ok

bambam:

FUCKING HELP ME BAM IS MY ULT BIAS THIS IS GONNA GET LOOONG (much longer than the others im sorry im biased)

like his dick ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

no but fr

bambam is big

think about it ok on live tv he publicly said his iconic how do you know line then looked down at his dick like any horny teenager, and in the same episode, pointed at his dick repeatedly as his “sexy version” of just right and hip thrusted when meant to do a cute version of if you do

do you really think he’d be that confident if he didn’t have anything to back it up??? no ok BAMBAM IS BIG

anyways getting to it - bambam is the Ultimate Switch™ dont even @ me

he will be all cocky and say he’s a dom and heck he’ll be a dom and a damn good one

but he will jump at the opportunity to sub for you any day of the week

probably would start off really awkward leading to lots of giggly and playful sex

even once he’s gotten familiar with you, there would probably still be a fair amount of giggly and playful sex

has lots of turnons, likes both giving and receiving for all of them

he is a freak im telling you lemme just list a few things

hair pulling - moans really loudly if you pull his hair and probably swears, also pulls on your hair w/out realising it but once you respond by moaning he will take full advantage of it to hear you

hickeys - second to mark on the hickey loving list, only he loves receiving as much as giving, loves finding your sweet spot and concentrating on it

scratching - rake your nails down his back as he tops you, he loves the burning sensation it gives him, also will probably do the same if you’re topping

bondage, probably just restraining hands tho but i mean. if you whip out a harness or some kinky shit he wouldn’t be opposed to it

honestly he’s really livin the yolo life he’d try anything once bc why the fuck not

dirty talk dirty talk

his mind his filthy; his mouth is filthy

“babygirl you’re so tight around my cock” “do that again princess” “fuck you look so hot under me”

“babygirl” “baby” “princess” “kitten” again, you name it, he’s down

won’t ask for it, but will get a hella ego boost if you call him daddy

but still not as into it as jaebum

does anything he can to make you moan, he could listen to your moans all day

very observant of all the little things that make you tick so you can have the best experience he can give you

very shameless moaner after passing the initial awkwardness of the first few times

second loudest moaner next to youngjae fffuuuuck imagine his moans for a second just hjdksjk

as a sub: he loves it when you tie him up and overstimulate him with assorted toys and yourself, obviously

give him a vibrator and a vibrating cockring and ride him and pull his hair he will go absolutely insane, it overwhelms him so much and he loves it

says he hates being overstimulated but actually enjoys the pain

as a dom: he likes fucking you hard and fast, secretly loves when you’re a brat because he sees it as a challenge and loves the thrill of battling you for dominance (but sometimes lets you win bc its hot)

will probably use toys on you and make you come over and over again for him bc he cannot get enough of seeing you come, he’ll overstimulate you as well

either dom or sub: he loves oral, both giving and receiving, you could argue he likes it better than penetration

have you seen his lips oh my godddd those were made for giving head (and making out. or just kissing in general. help me i love bambams lips)

he loves the way his mouth can make you moan and writhe so much, he could probably live between your legs if you let him, making you come multiple times

also hella into face riding sit on his face oh god just sit on his face

pull on his hair pull on his hair pull on his hair he’ll moan into you

looooooooooves receiving head too, moans loudly and grips your hair harshly

doesn’t fuck your face but just pulls on your hair and moves at whatever pace you set

also loves coming inside you, but second favourite is on your face

also super needy, probably has the highest sex drive

his cocky ass would send you nudes if you weren’t around

if you were around, he’d come up to you and give you a back hug, pressing up his boner against your ass to not so subtly hint his problem

if you ignored him, he’d start kissing your neck and humming

and if you continued ignoring him, he’d whisper really close to your ear, his voice all raspy and low and say something like “don’t play hard to get babygirl, i know you want this dick,” then proceed to tell you in explicit detail all the things he’d do to you

at that point you wouldn’t be able to hold back anymore

this is way too long already but i hAvE to adD

r i s k y  s e x

he would be so into the thrill and adrenaline it got him he’d get off to that so hard

it would be like a game to him, see how many different places he can do it and get away w it

probably would do it in the same room as his members ngl

maybe even with his members, i also see him as the type to be open to threesomes or polyamory

loves making out w/ you which usually leads to sex unless its a rlly soft loving moment

probably still gonna lead to sex bc believe it or not, the kinky fucker is still capable of making love to u hdsjsk

ok i think i just wrote an essay here im so sorry ill stop

yugyeom:

97 line? maknae line? more like Ultimate Switch™ line

openly admits he’s a switch unlike bambam who tries to say hes a dom

actually i think he shares a lot of things with bambam

not even gonna lie they’ve probably hooked up once or twice when they got wasted

still friends tho with no regrets but it was a thing

either hella intense dom or whiniest sub with no in between

goes from daddy to babyboy in like 0.0002 secs

(probably not into being called daddy tho)

proooobably has a noona kink when he’s subbing

the only member who can beat bambam in his hair pulling kink, he love love loooves it when you pull his hair he lets out the softest moans

in general, his moans are high pitched and whiny and ughghhh h o t

will go crazy if you call him babyboy or pet but mainly babyboy

even if he’s subbing he likes to be the one doing the work bc he’s fast and damn those dancer hips so he’s probably too impatient to let you do it lol

but you like to tease him so sometimes you’d tie him up and ride him real slow until he’s begging you and whimpering to speed up

peg him he loves that shit

honestly he may be a hella switch but as soon as your mouth is on his dick he is a babyboy there’s nothing he can do about it

he will moan and pet your hair and pull it when he comes

doesn’t like blowjobs bc he’s embarrassed at how fast he loses it compared to his usual stamina

which is a lot btw, he can go on forever istg

perks of being a main dancer

speakin of main dancer

his s e x y  d a n c e s

would gladly give you a lap dance beforehand of just a full on fucking strip show this boy is wild

would gladly accept any lap dances or strip shows also lolololol

overall very rough and impatient bc he’s a horny boy

probably second highest sex drive next to bams

gets all pouty if you deny him too long

then fucks you into the wall out of frustration dAMN

unless you plan on punishing him for being so needy ohohohoh

okay im gonna call it quits before this becomes a novel

hope y’all enjoyed bc damn i sure did

[ebearie]

i don’t think i want kids to be honest but i do think about it a lot 

the only way i think i’d ever have kids is if my future wife wanted some and i would adopt 2 baby girls

so i’m constantly thinking about child psychology and what it means to be a good parent, how to help your kids grow up as well as what is in your control and give them a memorable childhood they can look back on fondly (games we could play, stuff i could buy them, places i would take them, traditions id make up, holidays)

i notice how other parents handle situations with their kids and if its the best choice and how its going to effect them long-term. i know that’s not my business, but i’m not judging them so much as i’m learning from them whether i see is a psychologically good or bad thing. how is positive/negative reinforcement or overreacting going to affect them? are they living through their kids? stuff like that

i think about how my parents handled my childhood, what they did right and what they really messed up on. my dad was there, but not too there. i got it the best with my dad since i’m his youngest daughter and i have the best relationship with my dad (going both ways, he’s really the only family member i get along with and only dislike at times because we live together and hes a bit of a homophobe). he respects me and that’s important. sure, he gets annoying at times. he’s also conservative and obviously im leftist, but we actually debate and he’s doesn’t dismiss my opinions because i’m “too young” (ill say mostly because he probably has said “you’ll see it when youre older” but idk how much that counts)

my mom is a bitch. like my dad, she was “there” when i was young, but never too there. they gave us a lot of freedom and i have siblings so we were preoccupied. i got close with my mom in middle school because i was so passive and afraid (dealing with trauma stuff) that i never acted out. when i did, she shut me down instantly (when i came out she said “uh no ur not bc u werent when u were a kid” even tho i was a rlly gay kid and she wasn’t rlly too there). once i came out about the trauma, a flip switched and i became much more assertive and my own person. she resents me for being a myself and a young person. when i was opening up to her about my suicidal thoughts and that i had a date planned a couple days go, she told me “if you think you know so much about the world why dont you just kill yourself then?” she’s told me being sexually abused made me gay and never apologizes for anything. its always my fault. i learned that i don’t wanna be a) the mother that projects her own issues onto her daughter b) a bitch

not to mention generational differences. i’m trying to wrap my head around why every generation resents the ones that follow and why parents helping kids with their problems often fall flat and i have some thoughts

 ---they forget that theyve had years of experiences and kids haven’t so usually when bad things happen to them its the worst thing theyve ever been through. so parents act dismissive and condescending 

---everything stays, but also changes. so things like injuries, breakups, failures they will never escape us, but how things happen and generational norms all change. so with different systems in place

---breaking of tradition. each generations breaks social codes from the ones that precede it. musical genres are a good example of this. when swing or rock was invented, parents hated it because it made their kids rebel and act too raunchy. as generations went on, youth started wearing different styles of clothing, more revealing or form-fitting. the breaking of tradition startles older generations because why change something they didn’t see as wrong. 

basically i’m trying to come up with a formula for being the best parent i can possibly be in a way that is very me since i’m such a thinky person, driven by logic as opposed to emotion. i know being a parent requires a lot of emotional maturity that obviously i don’t have right now, but i am working to catch up on (my job where i have to be super coddling to clients has helped me a lot). parenthood is a hard job and its not like i’m trying to perfect it, but if i’m going to have a kid, i want to at least have an understanding of how their development works and things to avoid, as well as things i want to make a point of doing. by the time i would adopt, i think it’d be in my mid thirties at least. omg this was super rambling ive just been thinking abt this a lot lol

onto nice notes, some things i would want to do with my little girls

---do “magic” with them, like the whole nine yards, foraging for stuff, casting the spells, following the planetary alignment

---get them their own pets when their mature enough (starting with fish and then work from there)

---make things with them whether its crafty and artistic or rustic

---make them their own outside fort

---have one night where we go out to eat

---SEASONAL ACTIVITIES like sledding, snow ball fights, pumpkin picking, fishing, hiking

---have one night maybe once a week or every other week where we cook something we never have before

---get them into any activity they want when theyre young whether its dance or kung fu or whatever

i just would want my potential future kids to have the best childhood i can give them ok and this isnt even accounting for the technology and new things kids in the future will be doing

[caperantagonist]

thinkin bout my mental

the more i read about adhd from people who have it im like

i know im probably autistic and a lot of stuff crosses over but like. so much stuff for this makes sense to me do i id as adhd now? am i adhd/add? cutting bc im just thought vomiting

i feel like nothing fits me fully, its just most stuff. i have girl autism and a lot of adhd stuff but a lot of it crosses over and getting an actual diagnosis rn is impossible

adhd things i relate too hard to (symptoms according to health line cause I can’t find another comprehensive list)

- hyperfocus - lack of focus (I phase out of conversations all the time) - executive dysfunction (this is a RLY bad thing for me) - task planning (i have to manage everything bit by bit but also all at the same time and it can be very overwhelming. like, i have to do everything on one day or i die bc i dont wanna do things multiple days a week) - forgetfulness (brain go brrrrrrrr) - impulsiveness (i have to do things. like, idk why. i have to or i get in like, physical pain/i can’t do anything else its weird) - mood swings (idk if this is bpd or depression or adhd stuff, but small things like lag on voice/in game makes me SO STRESSED OUT) - poor self image (body dysmorphia hits hard) - anxiety and fidgeting (i stim a lot by holding stuff and folding it or making patterns with it, and I have Anxiety (tm) ) - fatigue (i have chronic fatigue and fibro so like, go figure) - bad health habits (I comfort eat to feel things and if i resist, even if its bc i literally can’t obtain the sweet treats bc of money, i feel like absolute shit. this swings back into impulsiveness) - body clock bad (Im currently sleeping from 6/7am till 4-6pm and its really bad)

but a lot of this stuff crosses with autism... like, the only thing that is deffo autistic the most about me is; - masking - difficulty following basic instructions (I need stuff spelled out for me, or I’ll do something I think is right but is actually wrong even though I thought i was doing it right. “why didnt’ you ask for help if you were confused?” i wasnt confused, bruh) - audio processing (THIS IS RLY BAD FOR ME... I NEED SUBTITLES ALL THE TIME...) theres stuff i do that goes against an adhd diagnosis tho; - i can make lists and break tasks down to make them more manageable and I tend to stick to it if Im doing ok (if not i executive dysfunction too much) - i’m like, super organized. too organized. (I caused my old housemates grief bc i organized everything into neat boxes to the point they couldnt find anything any more bc they couldnt process it, even tho it was clearly labeled to me. don’t even start me on minecraft chests... i do it compulsively, and I get big serotonin when everything around me is in its place) - time management; this one is a complicated one bc time is like an oiled ferret. i have it in my hands some times when im focusing on it rly hard, but then it gets away from me and i have to spend the next 3 hours coaxing it out from under the bed while i stare at my screen willing myself to go to bed before 7am. wait. shit. Im literally doing that now. I thought it was 5am?!!! - I never lose stuff (like, sometimes stuff goes missing but everything has its place and I know where stuff is, so like, I don’t ever lose stuff. sometimes i think i’ve lost something but its bc i didn’t look hard enough in its spot...) - task focusing at work (I hyper focus on tasks at work to the point I can’t task switch easily bc that thing i was doing isnt done yet and what do you mean you need this done now but also a customer needs serving?! make up ur damn mind) - I’m good at waiting my turn (maybe this is just me being from the uk tho. queue culture is life here) - cause i’m chonically tired/ill I’m not active/on the go at all, and i love just sitting in one spot for hours

i did a quiz on it and scored high, and it says i have moderate inattentive adhd/add... but what if its just overlapping symptoms? i was neglected at home/school, so i never had any basis for knowing these things about me when i was a kid...

[maternalcube]

aaaaa tagged by @thespace-dragon thanks mogi :O

1) How many works do you currently have in progress?

fuck so many. i mean ao3 wise i have a series that needs finishing and another i kinda said id add to, no actual unfinished fics. but like in terms of just, things im working on?? SO MANY. i dont know offhand but i make lists sometimes, its probably like ~15

2) Do you/would you write fanfiction?

all those wips i mentioned above are fic lol. i do technically have... a couple of original things... but theyve been on the backburner for a while bc i keep signing up for shit and i have too much trouble switching story gears when im in this deep so i just gotta... finish all this fic first........

3) Do you prefer paper books or ebooks?

nnnn lately ebooks bc i can put em on my ipod and read them on the train. also i have run out of space for books, my bookcase is overflowing and ive got a pile a foot high on my nightstand, they just keep accumulating help me

4) When did you start writing?

all my life idk. i think ive been telling stories as long as ive been able to literally write tbh. but like, in some more serious since maybe when i was 11-12? and then my first stab at nano was when i was 14, so yeah.

5) Do you have someone you trust that you share your work with?

deeeepends. ficwise, i have the Most trouble finding a good beta and my work is so varied that its hard to get anyone or even a few people that are willing to cover that range? i send stuff to @tfwnoshiro a bunch tho. ofic, tho, i always send to my brother, hes part of my target audience and isnt afraid to tell me when ive left giant holes or am just generally being stupid :')

6) Where is your favorite place to write?

implying i write anywhere but on the train anymore rip. theres also this one chair in my grandmas house that i liked, but it was also the Designated Nap Chair so maybe im biased.

7) Favorite childhood book

ooh it depends on like, what stage of childhood lmao. seconding eragon tho, that was a fave. also my side of the mountain (or smth like that? i think thats what its called). also the young wizards series and tortall series (i think im following both those authors on here :v ). also shoutouts to dragonhaven by robin mckinley and fire by kristin cashore (and graceling and bitterblue but, especially fire). is it any surprise i cant just pick one? lmao i wish i still had time to read, i barely even read fic anymore.

8) Writing for fun or writing for publication?

for fun, mostly, lately. have tried to get published in some small ways (i wonder what happened to that collab novel...) but havent been terribly successful, nor have i been working at it very hard bc i wanna get fandom stuff out of the way...

9) Pen and paper or computer?

for plotting? pen and paper. for actual writing? def computer (or at least my tablet hhh, its less distracting (i say like im not on tumblr on it at this very second))

10) Have you ever taken any writing classes?

i took a creative writing class in high school! not sure what i got out of it tho. im also taking (kind of paused on them actually) a couple of really good online classes from holly lisle which have taught me SO much you would not believe (and here i am wasting it all on fic lolll).

11) What inspires you to write?

vvfgfvfgfv idk, life? i guess a lot of media can trigger it, esp movies, but also just random things in daily life. anythign that kicks off a daydream will probably worm its way into a story eventually lol

gonna tag perk who i already mentioned, also @dylogger and @queenmogar117 aaand @stickywrites and @adjit. no pressure tho. :)

[imreszekeres]

for the anon that wanted all 100

1. Name- Ash! 2. Age- 18 3. City that you live in- fear, usually 4. What do most people not know about you?- nothing really, i compulsively release useless information about myself 5. What do most people know you for?- being fat and annoying 6. Hobbies- makeup, youtubers, sleeping, writing, drawing 7. What are your passions?- writing 8. What do you search for in a significant other?- i really Really need to be understood, and someone who is patient is nice too 7. What are you most proud of?- I hav gone to State and gotten within the top 10% in my Journalism competitions, which puts me in the top .08% of all high school students in my state. :-) im good for some things 8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?- every day when I talk to @pizzasteveofficial <3 all our conversations are significant 2 me 9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?- I collect my tears in a jar and store them, then shower in them every night 10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.- I want to get married in the snow, have a daughter, get a Heartagram tattoo (at least one lol), write a successful book, and.. idk what else :0 11. What was the last thing you learned?- jesus I dont know, you learn sth new every day! hard to remember 12. How many relationships have you been in?- um.. 7 I think i feel like im forgetting one tho. I wont name them obvi but i think im forgetting one? i feel like ive been in 8 oh well 13. Turn ons- validation 14. Turn offs- being alive 15. Favorite food- frozen yogurt! I like the vanilla or white chocolate flavor with looots of toppings 16. Favorite drink- Coke 17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received?- i dont really know! I dont remember a lot of my birthdays for trauma reasons so  18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?- pessimistic by far lol 19. Do you sleep during class?- its happened a handful of times, I try not to bc I HATE missing work its annoying 20. What is the most expensive thing you own?- myself?? jk its my laptop 21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?- a 1 dollar ELF blending brush. yall those things are bomb please go buy some! 22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?- that number does not exist holy shit  23. Text or call?- TEXT BLEASE I HAVE SUCH BAD HEARING 24. Opinion on long distance?- it can work! ive done it a lot of times. distance has never been whats broken a relationship for me, not directly anyway 25. What is your definition of success?- success is when you’re happy. you do not have many worries, not the kind that keep you awake at night or make your tummy sick anyway. You have people that love you and, if you died, you’d be remembered as a good bean 26. Favorite song?- right now im really diggin “Hate (I Really Dont Like You)” by the plain white Ts 27. Favorite artist?- HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 28. Celebrity crush/crushes?- Ville Valo ALWAYS lmao hes my god 29. When was the last time you read for fun?- like last month 30. Favorite flower?- roses 31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?- a plane ticket to Connecticut and like 1000 dollars 32. Any guilty pleasures?- pop... music... BUT LIKE THE GOOD KIND U FEEL? I DONT LIKE STUFF FROM THE LAST 2 OR 3 YEARs...  33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?- my weight, and that sounds so shallow but it. is taking a toll on me. 34. What do you search for in a friend?- someone who is like me! 35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month?- not enough 36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?- school.. 37. Why do bad things happen to good people?- because life isnt fair 38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?- what the fuck being stabbed in the eye have you ever been stabbed in the fucking eye? because i havent and i can already tell you that if my friends were talking without me and then someone stabbed me in the fuCKING EYE I WOULD BE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE PREOCCUPIED WITH BEING STABBED IN THE E Y E  39. How many green shirts do you own?- none lol 40. Do you like anime?- sure! I dont watch it rn but i dont watch anything rn, haha 41. What do you invest the most time in?- sleeping,, 42. What was the name of the last book you read?- Rebecca :3 very gud book 43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone?- when ur main squeeze gets a hair cut and u still wanna suck their dingus u love em, thats it sorry i dont make the rules 44. Where are you most productive?- i dont.. know what this is asking lol I’m most protective over my romantic partners. As much as I’d love to say im most protective over Sarah, nothing compares to how “troll guarding his treasure” i am w/my loves.......... *eyes @my crush* 45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends.- talking shit abt rude ppl, playing vidya gaem, and talking abt life 46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone.- watching makeup tutorials, watching lets plays, and thinking about everything and anything 47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?- absolutely not. theres too many people on the earth to achieve that 48. Do you have any allergies?- Not to anything specific but i get them really often seasonally. i get them pretty much every time the weather changes :( 49. When was the last time you cussed at someone?- i mean.. every day of my life so like 50. What was the last promise you made?- idek dude 51. What was your last dream about?- IT WAS SO WEIRD IT WAS ABOUT MY CRUSH’S MOM? I DREAMT THAT SHE WAS A DEMON WHO STORED HER EGGS IN LITTLE PORCELAIN JARS AND THAT MY CRUSH HAD AN EAR INFECTION AND WE WERE IN A SNOWY VILLAGE IDK DONT ASK ME its weird bc my crushs mom is so sweet... 52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be?- i would literally only take Sarah bc i hate everyone 53. How many countries have you visited?- ive never been outside the US 54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.)- writing :-) 56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?- those nice anons i got yesterday/the other day! 56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?- what do u even mean? youd know bc youd be like THIS ISNT MY BODY 57. Do you consider yourself mature?- kind of, yes 58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?- too fuckin many 59. What is your favorite quote?- “Worship Satan!” -Ville Valo (no but rly any HIM lyric is my favorite quote, theyre so beautiful,,,) 60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?- dont hurt ppl unless they hurt u, dont touch ppl unless they want u to, and respect gender/sexuality 61. What is your greatest accomplishment?- going 2 state! 62. Do you believe in the death penalty?- yeah i actually think it should b used more lol, kill all rapists and p*dophiles :-) 63. What are your goals for life?- i just wanna b happy, man 64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?- being a fucking idiot, probably 65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.- CALIFORNIA LMAO IM SUCH A SUCKER FOR CALIFORNIA AND I NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE 66. What were you like in 2013?- awful but also really sweet... then again i wasnt TECHNICALLY the host so lol  67. Do you have a job?- no :( i cant drive 68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.- she was an abusive bitch who took out her parents hating her on me the end 69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?- i would make discrimination a way more serious crime than it is taken for rn. ppl who discriminate should b put in jail 70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before?- just one when i had to install the sims and it took 6 years 71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?- my fave website is youtube 72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?- suck a dick, i guess 73. Does money equal happiness?- not all the time but it sure can 74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?- never, i dont think 75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime?- too many times 76. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told?- you know that joke abt the blind man at the beginning of Crazy Rap? yeah thats fucking HILARIOUS  77. When was the last time you looked at the news?- this morn :0 78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?- im gay 79. What is your favorite animal?- RACCOONS!!!!!!!!!!!! 80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?- i mean sure lmao nobody would b upset about it so 81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at?- being a human. 82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?- i usually go to bed at 10 and get like 6 or 7 hours 83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?- not at all! 84. What is your favorite clothing store?- hot topic lol 85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?- gloves b 86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?- wings?? why would i want a fish tail 87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?- absofuckinglutely.  88. What do you fear the most?- being like my rapist. thats a little too deep than i like to go but im being honest, thats literally my biggest fear Ever 89. How many digits of pi can you recite?- 3.14 lmfao i hate math 90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?- 2004. I would stop it before it happened. :-( 91. Describe yourself in one word.- stupid 92. Describe your last victory.- i woke up today w/o killin meself 93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen?- bendytoots cucumberpitch’s face 94. What is something you will never forget?- prom.. something rly nice happened 95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?- forget everything. please 96. Have you ever broken a bone before?- nope! 97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?- probably harder to love them lol 98. Coffee or tea?- coffer 99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?- I dont overdose on a constant basis in a BPD-fueled rage any more so thats good 100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today?- probably 1 or 2?

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #14: "i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted)” - Bryce

I can't believe that I am here. I made it to the Final 4. It is very crazy. I thought that I was toast in the Final 6. So to be here now is very exciting and shocking. The final 3 is going to depend on who wins immunity. I am really hoping that I could win this immunity to secure my spot in the final 3. If not then I hope that Matt doesn't win it. He needs to be an option just in case. I'm very nervous. I just finished my rites of passage. and its crazy that its almost final tribal.

so im getting 4th. FJKASDHFKJh this comp is so hard and like im literally not gonna be able to do endurance so i need to do well on the other stuff but i just dont see that happening... like this puzzle first try was 70 minutes FJKASDHFKAJS. AND I KNOW COUNTING WILL MESS ME UP BC IM NERVOUS WRECK i didnt even mean to caps that but its tea. like flash game i think when i played this once before i wasnt bad but maybe i was who knows. im so emo like no one is talking to me anymore FKJASHDFKJ like i guess bc its just 1 vote left they dont wanna pretend they wont cut me FJAKSDFH like my game not even that good im gonna get dragged by sharky/nathan/keaton/nicole/ everyone but brian... maybe even brian who knows NNNN. my nnn. is so iconic.. maynor who?. idk like ok so if i win immunity (which i wont) idek what to do like i feel like voting matt is the best option maybe. bc i WONT be voting maynor bc i love him (not that i dont love anna and matt) but i just feel like we've had the best relationship of the f4 and im confident that the jury will like my game more than his (maybe they wont tho... i say confident but i mean 2% (not skim) sure they will) but ok so annabelle prob is hated by jury at least from brian and maybe even sharky? but like she didnt play bad she literally made most iconic move at f6 and i respect that but idk if jurors do like ppl keep saying shes a goat  so maybe she has no chance. and then theres matt where like ppl cant be mad he voted them when everyone and their mom in this game has voted him ASDKJFHASDKJ. like so hes prob liked by jury but i just dont know if hes done anything to deserve to win. he found 2 idols successfully played 1 but that was more on anna/nicks weird sense of leaking when it didnt really benefit them.  but like ok he was least threatening member of trio who got to the end so underdog edit is there even tho he literally wasnt underdog tbh u know who was an underdog... ME. i had NO ONE but nathan for a lil.. then dennis... then he got ROBBED. so then i had brian... but he got ROBBED. and now i have maynor like ive literally flipped and flopped to better my game and idk like i am physically able to meaningfully say ive done anything good ever in life or orgs but like i didnt do too bad i think! KJFAHSDKJF... idk maybe im getting 0 votes 3rd place no matter what and if thats the case im still so happy bc ive had a lot of fun in this game and met some true friends (and keaton) but like im getting 4th anyway so doesnt matter! ugh that sounds like a final goodbye confession but i know me and im gonna confess like 10 more times before this round is over so if i do get 4th/3rd just know that this was my true end...

So like.... I do not think i'm winning immunity. like at all. which makes me pretty nervous ngl. I really want to be there at the finale cause i think I have a good shot. If Bryce loses, i'm fairly sure i'm good to get to FTC but otherwise im scared. Making FTC would be really good for me cause I think i can out argue Maynor and Annabelle fairly well, but otherwise with bryce there idk. So like, BRYCE CAN'T WIN IMMUNITY. Also this FIC is disgusting like no thanks. I've already fucked up the 2 live ones so uh ya am annoyed :(. woo final juror here i come!

Bryce won immunity. Im glad. I wouldnt want to be in the position to vote Bryce. I had to abstained from the counting part cuz it triggered my anxiety. I tried tho but i couldnt. This vote is going to be said. Matt is going to go 4th. And i feel really bad. We got to know each other more during every tribal. This really sucks. I just dont want to give him false hope where there isnt any. Im going to help tomorrow.

I am so getting final juror. fuck. i knew it would happen if bryce won immunity and it fucking is. I am so sad about this. I have worked so hard all game to get here and its just being tossed away like that. I am SO sad. I have fucked up my sleep schedule for this game and now its getting me final juror. ugh. i just wanted to get to the end and like argue my case. but now? not happening :( i hate this

I WON I REALLY WON IMMUNITY ASKDJFHASKDJF I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA LOSE WHEN I GOT 12 POSTS ASJFKHKASJFDHASDKJF THATS SO NNNNN IM SO HAPPY BUT SO SAD BC NOW I TRIED TO TELL MATT IM VOTING HIM BC I WANT TO BE HONEST BUT HE SAYS HES TALKING TO A BRICK WALL LIKE???? SORRY FOR NOT WANTING TO GIVE U FALSE HOPE AJDSFHDKAJ its honestly so rude like ive been in that position before so i know what its like when ur pleading ur case and the person doesnt seem to care and im NOT doing that. but obvioulsy i didnt just make up a plan on what to do at f4 so obviously i have thoughts and plans and im not just gonna switch it up bc u plea to me now. idk KJASHDFKJ also im so scared im gonna lose now NNN hes saying anna played so well and tbh she kind of did maybe i lose no matter what...

So like i am leaving but its ok! why? cause i will preserve my legacy by dropping a whole ass fajita recipe here so that I can feel like i have made an IMPACT on the season. Even though like im still sad its me, im going out with a bang baby! I don't use this recipe personally ( I am a broke student) but its v.good!

Ingredients: 2 large chicken breasts, finely sliced 1 red onion, finely sliced (ready to make you cry) 1 red pepper, sliced 1 red chilli, finely sliced (optional) For the marinade 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika 1 tbsp ground coriander pinch of ground cumin 2 medium garlic cloves, crushed 4 tbsp olive oil 1 lime juiced 4-5 drops Tabasco

Method: Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6 and wrap 6 medium tortillas in foil.

Mix 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika, 1 tbsp ground coriander, a pinch of ground cumin, 2 crushed garlic cloves, 4 tbsp olive oil, the juice of 1 lime and 4-5 drops Tabasco together in a bowl with a big pinch each of salt and pepper.

Stir 2 finely sliced chicken breasts, 1 finely sliced red onion, 1 sliced red pepper and 1 finely sliced red chilli, if using, into the marinade.


Heat a griddle pan until smoking hot and add the chicken and marinade to the pan.

Keep everything moving over a high heat for about 5 mins using tongs until you get a nice charred effect. If your griddle pan is small you may need to do this in two batches.

To check the chicken is cooked, find the thickest part and tear in half – if any part is still raw cook until done.

Put the tortillas in the oven to heat up and serve with the cooked chicken, a bag of mixed salad and one 230g tub of fresh salsa.

hope the random person reading this uses it otherwise gj future me reading this you've officially gone insane! yeet ig?

This is going to be a sad day. I really like Matt and dont want to vote him out but its the best option from the people available. It really sucks. I feel his pain and ahh.

I’m literally going to cry. I want to help Matt. I wish we could all be final 3 but we can’t. I’m dying emotionally. Final 4 always has so much pressure cuz theres only 4 people left. I hope Matt doesn’t hate me. I hope he understands thisnis a game move because he techinically was the underdog in the beginning then was on top then back to underdog. I just hope he doesnt take it personal that I don’t think tie-ing it for him would be good for my game.

OMG IDK WHATS GONNA HAPPEN MATT GO HOME PLS BUT I FEEL LIKE ANNA IS VOTING MAYNOR IM GONNA BE SO SAD AHHHH DJSKFHSDKJF

Matt is voted out 3-1. He becomes the final juror.

ok so i had the worst day of my life today and didnt plan my speech at all so thats where im at NNN time to fake smile and hope the jurors like my ad libbed speech ASFKUHDFKJ ftc starts in 4 minutes.

well.. that was interesting adsjflhasdkfj. Like i always have 0 confidence in myself so i think im gonna lose and i really do respect the game that anna and maynor played. im just sad that i dont think i articulated myself well bc like im so bad with words anajsfhakj and ppl were saying conflicting things and its just not in me to like chime in with my pov to possible sway it in my favor bc i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted) but yaaa like i truly think that maybe i kind of did play super well and deserve to win but either way ill be happy bc i made *some* genuine friendships and also like had so much fun voting ppl out KFADHSKJASHK. i wish i like wrote what all my confessionals were so i could reference sth i said on day 1 but it was prob like i hate my tribe they ignore me so maybe ill just say that again FKJADSHFKJ. we love coming full circle... im so hungry i didnt eat so i will now stop typing to get dinner maybe i will write another confessional. omg wait gotta have some line thats iconic in case theres an episode title... think... love talking to myself FAKSDHFKj im so funny when i was like "i realized hey i respond to myself ill take me to the end" its such a mood KFJASDHFKJ ok but hm... ok. maybe im a snake who doesnt actually care about people and use them to my advantage to get my way but at least im not jayden. OMG jk thats so mean even tho he deserves it ALSO i was gonna like comment on keaton being like "saying the n word doesnt make u racist" but then he was kind of nice to me so i didnt.. love being as fake woke as me... not being confrontational to get a jury vote... so gross NNNN wooh idk how to end this but watch waves music video normani literally snapped so hard is being as slept on as me. omg wait... maybe im a pillow bc i sure am being slept on. iconic line.... i love the hosts so much ignore literally every cringe thing i wrote in this confessional pls FKJADSHKFJ

IM VERY DRUNK AND I DNT KNOW IF I HAD TO. BUT EITHER BRYCE OR ANNA WILL WIN CUZ IM A MES AND DONT DESERVE TO CUZ THEY WERE BOTH AMAZING FOR LETTING ME GET TO FTC. I WANNA THANK ANNA THE HOST FOR BEING AMAZING AND GREAT. I LIKED THE ALICE THEM CUZ HEART CUZ ICANT  EMOHJI, ,LOVED THIS SEASON AND UR ALL AMAZING HOSTS.

Im happy I made it to the final 3. And even though FTC was bad; I enjoyed it. I know I’m probably getting 3rd which is fine. I have so much respect to Annabelle and Bryce and everyone in the jury. I’m more excited to be able to talk to all of them again. Let’s see who is our winner will it be Bryce or Annabelle!? The hosts you guys were amazing and i had a great time this season. Im glad Jones pushed and convinced me to apply. Thank you for giving me a spot in this season. And Jones you da best. 💖💛💙

confession time. everytime i write one of these i put the day as who are u and my name as what day is it.. my mind always having to go change it. but um didnt think i would be writing another one of these FJKSADF but i have no self control and winner reveal is in 4 and a half hours and im literally sick FAKJDSk i feel so anxious and nervous like even if i lose im gonna be happy but i just really want to win also im still trying to process ppl not liking me or my gameplay and saying i played with their emotions FJKASDHFJ i had a blast. anyways this is the anthem of the day apparently https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhzN7SfnNeY

WHATS GOING ON?? IM TIRED IS WHATS GOING ON IM SO ANXIOUS! im sooo anxious i want to win. pls...

Bryce wins Celestial Marmoreal in a 4-3-0 vote!

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth