#tho frankly considering 5 of 7 of these were all done in the same time after a full day shift at work im still considering it an achievemen

[cerberus-writes]

full res version of carnificare's graphics. open them in a new tab for ✨texture✨

the original portraits of serafim and selwyn aside, i think i gave myself about.... 40-60 minutes each for the rest of them? honestly, if i had more time/energy i'd love to do a more art-intensive game now that i've apparently gotten past the mental block of using my own art for anything. time will tell!

i've also realised that i have... maybe something like 1k worth of miscellaneous footnotes / lore explanations / dev notes that i had in the drafting docs for this. might throw some of that into a post one of these days for the sake of appeasing the brainworms -- once i figure out a mobile-friendly release of the game, ofc

[movedkagen]

NATSUO TODOROKI  STUDY  /  MASTERPOST .

This is also mostly ripped from discord so if it’s choppy that’s why ---

TRIGGER WARNINGS : DOMESTIC ABUSE, CHILD ABUSE, LOSS OF A SIBLING, ANGER ISSUES, BODY PERCEPTION ISSUES.

Natsuo is loyal.  Literally he loves his family so much. like between natsuo and fuyumi, fuyumi has the stronger quirk 100%. Natsuo HAS an ice quirk but he can only freeze things that fit into the palm of his hand...so all he does is make the cola nice and cold before his siblings drink it.

So Natsuo wants to be a family practice doctor and he wants to do outreach work. Pretty much his coping mechanism with being ignored and hating being home is he threw himself really hard into studies, and just did his HW all night in his room. To tune out the yelling anf the negligence. He got good enough grades where he got into University of Tokyo which is good but like basically he almost didn't go bc like. 

his relationship w enji is nonexistent. He was an immediate failure in his eyes, he literally SAID enji didn't look him in the eye ever until recently....he never rly saw him or hung around him. and then like. by the time touya was starting to rly get shit / by the time he was "dead" and shouto got burned and rei got sent away natsuo was only five or so. So to Natsuo? enji was just the guy who lived in his house and ruined his life basically. he hated him. he didn't love him at all. He’s hated him since he was a small child. NATSUO WILL NEVER FORGIVE ENJI AND HAS NO DESIRE TO.

Me and Inad have discussed it but  because  fuyumi is the only girl, Natsuo is the true middle child. The one who was never looked at or spoken to by Enji. And FUCK ENDEAVOR STANS for saying otherwise, but natsuo ISN’T “the only child who wasn’t abused” or the one who “should be the least angry”. Negligence IS child abuse. 

As a kid, Natsuo had a stutter. He acted like a baby for a long time. He was also chubby as a kid -- ate a lot to cope. He was always bigger than Touya, and it continues into adulthood --- Natsuo is now. thick / buff. He was a chubby kid growing up, but now he works out and has muscle however he still also stress eats bc premed is hard and gains like 15 pounds during the school year, then loses it during breaks. it's just the way his body is. This is relevant because Natsuo does have extremely low self esteem -- he thinks he’s very plain looking, that his body is big and awkward and ugly (I have him as growing to be 6′6″ at his full height, taller than Enji), and it all stems from Enji’s negligence. At his core, because of his father, Natsuo believes there is absolutely nothing special about him and that physically and personally he is a worthless person.

Natsuo has anger issues unfortunately (as we’ve seen) but does judo to let it out. tbh he storms out of the house a lot because he doesn’t want fuyumi to see him fucking lose it.

me and inad discussed this but but natsuo HAS put a hole in the wall before and Like he was maybe 15 when that happened. it scared the shit out of fuyumi and he felt so upset he literally like. ran away for two days and when he came back he cried rly hard and promised she would never see him lose his temper like that again, so he storms out so she doesn't see him angry.  It was the summer before he started high school and as soon as he got into high school he started getting into judo and joined the club for it and that's been his outlet ever since. And whenever he storms out of the house it’s to go do that.  He's ashamed of reminding her of endeavor somehow. he knows he’s got enji’s hairstyle and body type, and that contributes to why he hates his appearance so much.

The reason he never brings his S/O around his house is honestly that... he doesn’t like himself when he’s home. ppl love 2 say natsuo has the least right to be mad because enji didn't "abuse him" but don't realize negligence is abuse. it's literally classified as abuse. he was literally born thinking his dad felt he was a disappointment to the point where he didn't talk to him or let him talk to his youngest brother and it HAS an effect on him. natsuo has a lot of self perception issues, he thinks he's ugly and he panics if he doesn't do things perfectly in school and just. is very easily made to feel inferior and puts himself down. he doesn't consider himself special at all. He believes he lacks intrinsic worth as a human being.

Natsuo only went to college after his sister told him to go and do what he wanted to do…I promise you he was going to not go at all and was going to stay home with her until she told him she wanted him to go. BECAUSE natsuo doesn't rly consider enji a member of the family at all, natsuo has this goofy lil quirk where he thinks he's the "man of the house" even tho he asks fuyumi for help with basic things!!! most of the time it's funny but it's honestly just him being protective of her. And natsuo does cope with some perceptions of toxic masculinity --- he’s NOT abusive at all himself, but he’s goofy in the sense that he thinks he has to be the New man of the house, has to take care of his sister, has to never cry or show weakness, all because he’s male.

ENJI TAKES NO PART IN PAYING FOR NATSUO’S TUITION. He doesn’t even agree to go until Fuyumi insists she will use her own money to pay for it, and Natsuo works and studies because he wants to pay her back for every cent someday. Endeavor DOES NOT EVEN KNOW natsuo’s current address or which exact school he attends. natsuo wants it that way, but it’s also important to note that Enji never bothered asking.

Honestly Natsuo and Fuyumi probably argue a lot about endeavor, But that’s okay because they still love each other. Natsuo knows fuyumi puts everyone above herself and rly wants her to be happy, which is why.......frankly.....he’s glad kenta barreled into their lives. Because he’s like this is something Just For Her and I hope she likes him and it works out.

continuing on natsuo hates heroes and he hates his dad and frankly if he had a strong enough quirk he would have probably become like dabi. he really would have and he truly hates endeavor that much.

sb: so u agree with stain? natsuo: idk i just want someone to kill my dad.

Natsuo doesn't forgive endeavor, doesn't fuck with him, and blames him for everything that went wrong in his family. He honestly wants him to die! and he HATES the hero industry bc a literal monster like his father is praised and rewarded and they HELPED COVER UP TOUYA'S DEATH!!!!

and like with natsuo + touya.... time for pain. “Touya told me everything” / “I still hear his voice constantly” ... i think about those quotes always every time i think of natsuo. natsuo was the closest with touya and I truly believe that. He loved him more than anything . He really loved touya so much and he never got over losing him. 

kinda like inad hcs fuyumi saw shouto in the kitchen, i think natsuo saw touya last bc the way he describes touya telling him.... natsuo is shaking when he says it like. That shit traumatized him. And he’s just so angry. He did not leave touya. They had to PRY NATSUO OFF OF HIM. Because natsuo is loyal. 

like me and inad hc that fuyumi wouldn’t tell Natsuo where rei was for years because she knew even at 9 years old, he would have snuck on a bus to see her. Natsuo is so loyal to his family he loves them so much. He would have done anything for them. He wouldn’t have left Touya. He wouldn't have let touya go without him there. Not anywhere he couldn’t follow. Not even as a child.

and natsuo would NEVER be able to juxtapose that dabi isn't touya. I think the first time he saw Touya he would know but it wouldn’t be like. An instant look. He’s probably seen clips of some of the shit he’s done on tape and it’s always given him this unsettling feeling. But then he looks in his eyes...and he knows his eyes.

I always picture it like Natsuo forgetting however dangerous the surrounding is and chasing after him, he doesn’t even know why he’s running; he knows he wouldn’t stand a chance against him. But he sounds like a child again when he says “Touya?”. He sounds like the annoying, chubby little brother that followed him everywhere. And yeah, he would simply need that confirmation that Touya is alive to take his side because he knows more than fuyumi did. Simply seeing him alive again, and I think he’d know EXACTLY what Dabi wanted to do with Enji.

Dabi trying to scare Natsuo and Natsuo just “Touya cut it out talk to me” / “Touya I’m on your side” and it’s because Natsuo could never EVER see Dabi as a monster once he knows it’s Touya.  I don’t think he could ever feel fear based simply on the fact that he loved him that much. Touya was his favorite sibling he followed him around like a puppy and copied everything he did. 

Touya is the sibling he was closest to and i think the same in reverse since Natsuo is the one Touya vented to. I think fuyumi was probably really shocked when they were kids and Natsuo would suddenly say he hated enji. that he wished he was dead. She’d gasp and be like "Natsuo!"

But he’s HATED HIS GUTS since he was a little kid. He didn’t grow to resent him either. He basically didn’t care about him/was afraid of him when he was super super young, but the moment touya’s quirk didn’t work out and he was like what, 7-10? I’d say like 7 or 8 when shit started just Not Working. Natsuo was probably 4 or 5 when his own quirk manifested and was weak. Had this initial “why doesn’t dad like me” phase, but Touya just told him once something endeavor did to him or why his skin is starting to scar, and Natsuo instantly went from fear to hate. There was no build he simply hated him from that moment on. That’s how loyal he is!

He said he hated endeavor for the first time when he was five, but anyway i think a lot abt how natsuo like.... has the least ties w them all. That's why I say he’s a true middle child because he doesn’t have anything he’s good at that binds him to the family or makes him especially important to anyone. Like...he CARES about and loves shouto of course but i think if fuyumi weren't there natsuo wouldnt be in the picture at all. He just wouldn’t talk to them. Especially before he started talking to shouto? Absolutely. After now that he talks to him he would definitely stay to hang around him but before?

unfortunately because enji KEPT SHOUTO AWAY FROM THEM i think about how natsuo probably had what inasa felt where he saw shouto's eyes and saw endeavor and like. kept up that distance because of the trauma (tm) and i think when shouto got some friends and got out the house he tried talking to natsuo and natsuo was like "wait...me? you're...talking to me?" and like as soon as shouto started trying to talk to him he was rly receptive and was like shit i have 15 yrs of info to catch up on. 

but i rly think that's their relationship bc he literally didn't even know what kinda food shouto liked until now?? but he loves himand has become instantly very protective of him and once again things that because he’s the big brother he HAS to teach him things and be his “positive figure” and frankly I think shouto feels a little thrill whenever natsuo openly shittalks their father because out of all of them natsuo IS the one who hates him the most openly.

[themadcapmathematician]

I wasn't trying to bait you. I like your opinion on things and wanted to see how you felt about poly being accepted as a MOGAI. I'm only anonymous because I'm also trying to avoid some aggressive discourse. It's a sad state of the community when we are reticent to talk.

I agree. Thank you for clarifying. And yknow? It means a lot my opinion is valuable to someone

So I’m gonna start this off by saying that honestly? I was pretty surprised when I realized a lot of the tumblr discourse default assumed polyamorous didnt belong under the lgbtq umbrella? I mean when i first id'ed as queer, crossdressers, heteroflexibles, trans* ppl, and other “”“barely counts”“” identities often scorned today were still being considered very much lgbtq in the circles i spent time in and that was only maybe 5-7 years ago max. Moreover it seems to fit all the requirements ppl cite:

-its been part of the community for a while-its an identity based on a marginalized attraction, not just activity (edit: at least this is how ive interpreted it; many have not)-its discriminated against both systematically (i always think its funny when ppl say that there are no laws against being ace so they’re not systematically oppressed when there ARE easily defined laws against polyamory, which most of the same ppl don’t consider lgbtq) and interpersonally -you lose at least some of your access to Straight privilege when you are polyamorous-polyamorous people are not really perceived as either straight (as in attracted to a single gender perceived to be the “opposite” of theirs) or Straight (as a class) when they reveal they are polyam

Its also strange bc a lot of polyam resources and groups have connections to lgbtq ones. They tend to be allowed to show up at pride and plug their info and merch and stuff, and i highly doubt they’re going away anytime soon.

So what do I personally think? Well…I think there’s a strong case to be made for them being considered lgbtq on their own. Frankly I’m a little confused as to how you justify excluding them without fear mongering or using strawmen (like the whole “qweer femme bicurious girl and her straight bearded boyfriend want to go on lgbt dating apps and be called qweeerr so they can find someone to have a threesome with” stereotype which is filled to the brim with obvious exaggerations, biphobia, being anti-questioning, etc.) or seeing theoretical ideas or problems as more important than practical ones, esp since most ppl just seem to…assume?? Instead of making a case for anything. I also think they can greatly benefit from community support.

Whether or not there is full acess to this or that “privilege” or whether or not ppl are privleged for being monogamous/monoamorous(???) or what the fuck ever is a more complicated debate I don’t have all the answers to, tho to some degree, as always, I’m not entirely sure how much that really matters.

But a lot of this isnt up to me anyway, any more than its up to many tumblr gatekeepers and other discoursers; we don’t decide who gets invited to pride or gets resources. Someday many of us might, but a lot of us? Not rn. And theres so much more research that needs to be done. The lgbtq landscape has changed a shitton in just the last 5-10 years and it will only keep om changing.

Now I’m going to end this with saying that this is all assuming the question is whether or not they’re lgbtq. I consider “queer” and “lgbtq” to be slightly different things.

In my interpretation, Queer as a community is less concerned with idpol and can easily be extrapolated to include protecting the interests of sex workers, kinksters, and polyamorous ppl (and by extension anyone else ppl are liable to exclude, whether or not they’d actually be included by lgbt+ idpol anyway) without worries about if they are “really lgbtq.” It also ideally works to tackle intersectional marginalization that would usually take more of a back seat for idpol-centric lgbt+, which tends to focus on your lgbt+ness first and other identities and marginalization second. Looking at polyam through that lens? Hell yeah it’s Queer!

Not everyone is gonna agree with me on the interpretation of ANY of that I just gave tho, nor do they have to (and frankly neither do you!), so be forewarned.

[nymphclan]

hoo boy feels great when a friend on here ends up rooting through your archive or whatever and finds a handful of old posts from earlier this year that were me pissing and moaning about every little thing, including her sometimes

feels great to get passive-aggressive texts at 4 AM about it and having a panic attack and having to wake up my boyfriend to cry on him and wait for my klonopin to kick in while he tries to comfort me half-asleep

feels great to be reminded that i can be a real shithead when i’m in a low place, which i was roughly 7-8 months ago when most of those posts were made

like look i can’t post this shit on my main blog for obvious reasons so i’m sorry for anyone that doesn’t wanna see this but this is basically the only neutral zone i have and i wanna barf which is frankly not helping the anxiety

but yeah for anyone who doesn’t know about a year ago i moved in with my friend and her fiance because i needed a place to stay while i tried to recover from my ED and i was too scared to move back in with mom or go to a hospital/clinic at the time

i was in a reeeeal shitty place from basically October until like...April? because 1) i had to move away from my boyfriend whom i’d lived with for the past 4 years or so. went from seeing him every single day to seeing him like...maybe once a month for a few days. it was really hard. 2) my friend and her fiance both worked the same 12 hr shift which meant the majority of the day i was alone and while a lot of times i enjoyed it, it also left me space to fester when i was in a bad place 3) ANYTHING would set me off back then. i screamed at my shower for not getting hot fast enough once. they could be real messy in the living room so sometimes when i cleaned up trash i’d throw clothes and shoes across the room just because i was so frustrated and had no other way to let it out 4) i had basically no one to vent to and cut myself off from a lot of friends because i felt like all i did was whine and complain. even james got sick of it. i stopped really venting about anything going on in the house back in like...March I think. 5) i had been under the delusion that i would be going back to live with my boyfriend by summer. when that ideal got farther and farther away, i got more and more depressed.

so yeah i said some pretty shitty things about her sometimes. she wasn’t around to see them then, i was upset, they were just blurbs i usually made at like 4 in the fuckin morning when i couldn’t sleep and was pissy. one of them was me mocking her after a long conversation we had that night that really rattled me up a lot. idek if she remembers the conversation but i remember a good amount of it. i was in an insecure, shitty place and lashed out at her as a target.

idk. i just didn’t really expect her to find these old posts and then text me about them in the middle of the fucking night (granted, she’s leaving for work around this time so -shrug- not weird for her to be up really) and considering she’s already been pissed at me for stepping down as maid of honor for her wedding in december back in late august because i felt i needed to commit to going to a clinic and i had no idea how long treatment would take or if i’d be in any shape for the wedding and didn’t want to REALLY fuck her over by making it even more last minute...yeah...pretty sure at this point i’m gonna get a message about getting the rest of my shit out of her house ASAP and i’m gonna have a meltdown all fucking over again because i’m as fragile as thin glass these days.

i get that it’s upsetting to read shit talk about yourself, i really do. she talked shit on me once a long time ago on a site we were on like...idk 8 years ago now? something like that. and i had gotten mad about it yeah. i just don’t know. i really don’t fucking know. i don’t feel like i have the right to be happy or to exist anywhere. i don’t want to kill myself no worries but i definitely don’t feel like i deserve life right now and it’s uhhh not a great feeling to have at nearly 5 am. the klonopin’s done about as much as it will, it’s been almost an hour since i took it, but i’m still rattled. i took 1mg tho so i can’t take more. i’m only allowed the extra .5mg pill if i have trouble sleeping. but i’ve never taken 3 that close together so i don’t think i should do that.

we’ve been friends for literally half our fucking lives and i feel like i destroyed that this past year and idk what the fuck to do with myself except rip myself apart from the inside out. i hate when people are pissed and i can’t do anything about it. i don’t want her fiance mad at me either, i really don’t. i already practically panic at the idea of going over there to get my stuff.