#thisthattheother

[nervousllikeme]

I'm visiting a friend who I have a confusing relationship with re: where our boundaries are with flirting. I was warned it was a bad idea by other friends to come down because I have a tendency to get too in my head and spiral down into the never ending chorus of 'no one likes me, no one cares about me, what's the point of anything' when I do something that isn't reciprocated. And he was right and I've been spiraling while here which isn't what I wanted considering this is actually vacation time for me. Like I'm fucking 25. I'm too old to do this shit anymore. Like yeah I have bpd but I can't let it control me or be an excuse for how I act. I thought I had it under control but it's not as tight as I thought. Like I still freak out over shit but hey at least now I do it in silence because I'm spending like 30 minutes trying to break down conversations and actions and trying to figure out what to do in response that isn't my crazy bullshit I've done that's driven every single person away all my life Me and this girl flirt all the time, we've talked about it and what we want in our lives re: romantic relationships and, at least last time we really got into it in May we both established that neither one of us want to be in a relationship because of thisthattheother and lets just keep being close friends who flirt sometimes but not as much as we were because it was confusing me (she was really laying it on). And it was awkward for a little after that which we talked about and we were good. And she's really one of the only people I want to talk to and spend time with and look forward to interacting with, and we were planning to see each other anyway (she was really gunning for it in August but I had just moved back home and wasn't ready to deal with it emotionally) so I figured why not come down to her since I want to see her and she wants to see me. And I think now I'm the one making it confusing because maybe i do want something more from her than a platonic friendship. But I don't know what it is. I know I have really been thinking about physical stuff pretty much since August with her, kissing sex whatever, and I think that's something I want. And I feel like wanting to spend a bunch of time with her makes it seem like I want to be her girlfriend but I don't want that obligation and I'm sure she doesn't either. Like I don't want to have to feel like I HAVE to talk with her every single day or that I have to be physically or emotionally affectionate all the time. I guess that's a friends with benefits thing. This weekend has been good and full of mixed signals from both of us. I mean I flirt, I call her cute, take her picture when I think she looks pretty, touch her shoulder when I want to get her attention. She touches my back and shoulders, my hands, compliments me on, basically, being distinctly me and not apologizing for it multiple times. And yesterday while we're on the subway she goes and holds my hand, leads me through the crowd and to the next train, holds my hand again as we get off and go up the escalator. And my brain fucking broke. I don't know what that means. I've never had anyone hold my hand like that before. I pay for dinner and we go out to this haunted house thing, we hold hands the entire time, we rest afterwards because it was overwhelming for me and i put my head on her shoulder and she leans hers against mine. And I brood on the car ride home because I do desperately want to hold her hand again but she's pretty closed in on herself by the window so I debate it for 20 minutes and touch her shoulder instead as a 'i don't know what I'm doing, please give me a sign' gesture and she thought it was awkward so I just fucking spiral in silence as we go to bed. I'm dumb, terrible, no one is ever going to love or care about me because I'm fat and ugly and have too many feelings and get upset over nothing. Today was more seperated, distant, awkward, less touching, I was dying for her to hold my hand again and lead me through the crowd at pride but that didn't happen and I didn't want to push it. We carved pumpkins tonight, she finishes before I do and sits too close to me and stares at me and her hair touches my arm and I don't know what to do. None of my friends have ever given me even close to this amount of physical affection, so it reads to me as something that more than friends do. neither did girls I was romatically involved with for that matter. It makes me feel like a terrible goblin of a person that hey, maybe friends do do that but I'm just too gross for people to want to with me. I mean she and I need to talk. I don't really want to do it while I'm here because I leave tomorrow night so why spoil the time we have left with a dumb heavy conversation. Plus theres a big cloud hanging over my feelings and that's our mutual friend's feelings for her! Yeah he visited her in May and told her he had feelings and she rejected him and I don't want to do that to her. Like my feelings are valid, she and I are way closer than he and her ever were, but I don't want to fucking put that on her that all of her friends fall in love with her or want to fuck her. That's not fair to her. She deserves good friendships that are meaningful. But I need boundaries. And the more we depend on each other emotionally, which we both do a large amount I think, the more I don't know what to do with these feelings. I think after I go home, I'm not going to talk to her if she doesn't talk first for a few days. I need to sit down and think about all this, figure out just how big a part she is in my life and if it's okay that I look to her for as much emotional support as I do. And if she wants to talk about our relationship stuff in the mean time that's okay. I just want to put the ball in her court and give her the space and comfort she needs if she wants to say something or not.

[sean-carolan]

THISTHATTHEOTHER

Why I(we?) Do It (the artist statement)

    The importance of creativity has become some what of muddled topic these days.  In American society, we experience an assault from all angles as to the exact definition of being a creative and making a contribution to the narrative of modern culture.  As we push on to a continually globalized setting(at least for now, that’s how it appears) certain aspects of the old guard culture have been called into question, if not completely overturned, leaving a vacuum for mainstream ideology.  You see, this is as much a positive change as it is an intimidating scenario, one that alludes to the daunting task of replacing older accepted versions of what we teach to our children with more sensitive, inclusive, and truthful information.  

     But you see, that’s just the thing; truth is in itself is a matter of perspective, and while everyone is entitled to their own opinion we are all very much aware of how baseless our viewpoints can be, let alone how someone’s ideology can be self decidedly deplorable.  Unfortunately, we may as well accept that the internet is a beast we do not fully understand the implications of.  The same technology that has brought the populace an unending system of information has rendered the exact same information superfluous; underneath of it all it seems as though people have chosen to guide their searches and requests in a manner that seems comfortable and non alien, similar to the way we make friends.  One might  assume similar patterns of thought might group together in larger conglomerates, and yet it seems that instead, smaller factions of political thinking have splintered off from each other into smaller, specific versions of their own utopian ideas.

     This information makes me think.  I mean, I have a very specific situation, specific to my very small area of operation in northeastern USA in the tri-state area in New Jersey.  Much of what I believed in growing up has become ridiculous to me; from puberty, to high school, to college, and now as I graduate college, it has felt like a melting ice sculptor of reality; and I know I am the bad guy.  My family has benefits of exploitation, not directly but in our hearts, in the  views of my parents, brother, sister, and now myself.

    Now I cannot deny the idea of inherent racism, or sexism, or classism.  The reasoning behind it is too sound, it makes sense.  The sense morose I feel from this guides the work I make, where a sense of self importance can only be cured by its own capitulation.  The sculptures I create are figurative, at least in scale and shape.  They combine religious imagery(pertaining mostly to christianity), idiosyncratic aesthetic choices that relate to each other(piece from piece) and create a dialogue about the individual creator navigating a fine line between self expression and inadvertent oppression.  The simplified materials(burlap, plaster, chicken wire, charcoal) put the sculptures into the realm of artistry itself, using fundamental, understandable, and easily understood techniques in sculpture and drawing.  

       My end goal is to create an image of a spiritual belief in the creation of art.  When it comes to my definition of a creator, I am attempting to personalize to the point that it simply relates to my own understanding of what I am myself doing.  My work attempts to create a personal religious experience, one that is born off the balancing of self importance and ego death.  I intend to demonstrate the refusal of facts, the destruction of character, and the reaction to such an experience.  Hopefully viewers will see that the artwork demonstrates a spirituality that is both self fulfilling and pointless; it demands the consideration of others while accepting their valid criticism and forgiving them for their own absurd self explorations.

[katharine-lazenby]

KL