#thisll be done by tonight I think

[brackishkittie]

thinkinggggggg….working……writing……

[clumsyclifford]

:)))

[dumplingequivalent]

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Having a hard time tonight. Been having rough thoughts for a while now tbh.

Body image stuff, trans stuff, sexual stuff....

Just. Wanna get some of it out.

Nsfw. Don't read if body negativity, talk of sexual body parts/acts, or talk of predatory men triggers you in any way. Obv super personal so up2u if u feel comfortable reading all that shit bout me.

Body image stuff first, then transmasc insecurities, and sex stuff last.

Can't help but constantly remember how wrong and fucked up my body is. My hips are out of alignment. My legs are bent outward and bow legged. My feet are too arched and my toes are squashed and ugly. My spine sticks out at the base of my neck. My hands are misshapen and incorrect. My arms are covered in scars, old and new. My eyes are different sizes. My mouth is dry, my teeth are misaligned since some of my adult teeth never grew in, my lips are thin and rough. Even my vagina is wrong, rough and inflexible from scar tissue and produces too much discharge to be any kind of normal.

That's all just structure. None of that can be changed. I can never grow my fingers to the right length or get rid of the bump of my spine at my neck (my mother tried) or repair the damage to my leg joints from walking incorrectly from birth. I'm literally built wrong. Even in peak health I'll never look "correct" or "healthy" or anything close. And nothing's "wrong" with me. I'm physically a disappointment, weird, and wrong, inside and out.

I've been struggling with my identity for a while too. Just not the way you'd think. I know I'd like it if I was a guy. But the things that change because I'm "now" a guy are what's hard. Things like my tendency to overexplain and share info becoming mansplaining. Or how complimenting and talking to strangers could now be predatory. But especially everything or anything to do with sexual thoughts or acts or whatever. Anytime I find a girl/woman attractive, especially if I'm not sure of their age, I get super unsettled at the realization that I'm now the nasty creeper dude who over sexualizes young people. Commenting/complimenting my partners' appearance always edges on overly sexual and gross and makes me the hypersexual male who doesn't think of anything else and tries to get it from their partners any way they can (disgusting). Even other things like wanting to raise kids, I have to be careful about how I dress and act around them because any slightly intimate thing could be sexual and it's terrifying. I'm scared shitless of being something like that. I'd rather go back to thinking I'm cis and never touch anything masc again than become another selfish asshole who only thinks with his dick or somehow hurting my partners or my kids by not realizing I was being overly sexual until too late. I hate this all viscerally, and I can acknowledge there's probably a lot of trauma coloring my perspective, but in the mean time I'm stressed tf out and trying not to hate myself based on who I might be.

Speaking of sex.......I'm STILL caught up in fucking Feelings (TM) with this shit and I wish I could just not care. I wish it didn't matter. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and never think of it again. I don't fucking get it. I'm insecure but I'm not. I want it but I don't. I feel like I'm too fuckin weird and gross to ask for anything but the SECOND there's a possibility of something happening with my partners I practically beg for it. It's pathetic and sad and gross. I'M pathetic and sad and gross.

And its not like my partners put any expectations on me - it's just me not meeting my own. I can't kiss and I dont know how to do foreplay and I say the wrong things and look and act and sound the wrong way and I'm built wrong and my body's weird so why the FUCK would I subject someone I love to that. And physical intimacy matters to me - I want the people I love to always feel soft and safe and loved with me and I never want to hurt them or make them uncomfortable especially so with touch. So when it comes to touching me, I'd never want to make them feel like they have to or make them feel weird. I'd rather never receive anything than mess it up by being wrong.

I've almost cried like 6 times so I'm done for the night. Hoping thisll release some of the pressure in my head

[selfawarenesscat1994]

accidental long post

i dont normally put trigger warnings but this post speaks a lot about food/binge eating. and i kinda just went off on one haha. talk of money.

im sitting in the office writing this at work cus my boss told me to do the holidays but im done but i need to vent, the store is abso quite and i just need some time to myself.

i have money! 

oh my god the relief. 

im still gonna be struggling til the end of this month but its not as bad as its been through jan which has been fucking HELL because ive obv been doing my manager job and having all this worry/stress ontop ov it.

i paid my rent +fee and i have enough to cover my bills! !!!!

i bought a bus pass but im gonna probably walk to work when the weather gets less horrible as i acctually didnt mind the walk after a while and i felt a lot fitter adding that exercise into my daily routine. before dropping out of uni, i got quite bad for being the type of person who would go to the gym once or twice a week and justify a lazy existence because of that. the bus is terrible but its the difference of walking 6 miles and being out of the house for like 12 hours a day or whatever and taking a 10 minute bus journey from straight outside my work almost to my front door. 

i ordered new earphones becus mine are not working. they were like 6 quid but so worth it. i went into my favourite cosmetic shop and got some nice stuff for my face as its got so flaky and dry and sore. i bought some new combs, not a great expense, no but the last thing on my list of cheap stuff when i didnt hve any money. my hair is short and tuggy and thisll help. i went into a cheaper cosmetics store and bought a lot of cheap shampoo/conditioner, sanitry products n whatnot. i never used to stockpile these so i ended up at the beginning of jan with nothing, i bought a cheap bar of soap for my body and used some of my flatmates stuff (but its expensive so i did it like once a week max). its so nice to have product. its something i never throught was something id miss cos theyre so essntial but i got to the point where i couldnt really afford them because i had bills going out and had to keep my money for other things.

the front door of the flat is drafty so i got the flat a draft exludor on the way. yay.

ive consumed more food/calories in the past day than i probably have in a couple of years - apart from at christmas. last night i bought a milkshake after work. it was thick and tasty and amazing. on my walk home i also bought a bottle of irn bru, which wasnt as good cus i forgot they changed the receipe but ive not drank fizzy drinks regularly in a 

i thought it was gonna be enough to fill me up but my body suddenly decided it really wanted to binge and treat myself.

i odered a med pizza with two sides and cookies when i got home from work. i just stuffed my face and ate it all. it was glorious. i went out with my flatmate a bit later and i bought quite a big shop with fresh food but also a lot of tinned/frozen things bcus i know i will be poor at the end of the month. i binged on salad items at like midnight. i ate two eggs, a whole freaking cucumber and pack of tomatoes, along with half a red pepper, a carrot, some spring onion and spinach. fresh food never felt so good. i had fruit and a bagel wiv creme cheese for my breakfast this morning. ive not had breakfast in about 6 months because when i started uni i got so stressed i couldnt eat in the morning and then i couldnt really afford to. and i gave myself some money today to get some lunch. i planned on buying one of those salad meal deals but i ended up at subway, i only got a 6 inch tough cos i think i may have died if i got anything bigger. i did however get 3 cookies on offer, ive only ate one as of yet but the other two are staring me down right now. i was so tempted to go to mcdonalds but i would have binged too hard. my poor stomach which i mentioned before had became a lot flatter probs due to lack of food/a lot of walking is so bloated.  i was wearing quite a loose fitting shirt to work and you can just see this big round boi now. customers will think im pregnant fuck me. but its a good bloat. but as i also mentioned ive gained a bit of weight and in the past 24 hours ive probably put on about a stone haha. i probably lost around three inches from my tummy in the past coupla months and now its about 6 inches rounder haha. 

i honestly dont regret it. i think if this was a regular thing and i did stuff like this a lot i would probably be different and feel horrible but it was great. i loved all this good food. 

im gonna go back to reasonable spending now/eating now. i have some spicy carrot soup i made a fortnight ago in the freezer so im gonna heat the rest of that up tonight for me and my flatmate, if i even feel up for eating and tomorrow i will probably enjoy a cheeky but healthy fruit salad for my working lunch.

sucks my brother took out a loan but im splitting his repayments and we can both afford to pay it off, im sure you can even pay it off wholly early (for a fee though) so i could even do that in a few months time cos i already know ill be due a tax refund, i paid so much tax @ my last jobs before i quit them for uni and ill be taxed here but i didnt earn over the threshold due to my break and il be due loadddss back, so we will see.

im gonna donate at the end of the month to some people on here, im not gonna really examine who ‘deserves it most’ and just do it randomly tbh. thanks to the people who donated to me, it e a lot but it did help as i mentioned before.

sidenote below

sidenote - i dont have an eating disorder. i just binged today and yesterday because ive not been able to enjoy the food i like. 

ive always had a bit of a weird relationship with food because ive never been thin and have had some disordered tendancies but nothing thats effected my overall health massively. ive been on countless diets thrughout my life. i dont particularly act like that anymore cos it can be dangerous. id only go on a ‘diet’ if my health was really bad, if i was terribly overweight or if another health condition made me alter my diet. ive also a lot of reckless times where ive just not thought about what ive eat... queue the time i ate a whole selection box and half a tub of ben and jerries for my lunch or the time i only ate a loaf and a half of bread in a day and though ‘ah this is enough calories its fine’. but i think thats moreso bpd. if ive been having a bad time with my mental health i wont care about whats being put in my body. but its not been driven through a desrie to be thinner/bigger ever.

 ive been poor recently and not been living on the best of foods (will probably explain why ive gained weight) but i have been mostly cooking from scratch using frozen meat/fish/veg and tined foods (thank god for bootstrap cooking, am i right???), on occasion i bought fresh veg or meat but thats it. the rest of the food i was eating when i was poor and well still will be eating for the next month was and i try to limit this because i know its really unhealthy has been instant ramen/noodles/soups/rice, breaded frozen meat and frozen garlic bread and chips. snackwise its been like those 10p packs of buiscuits and ive also been baking when i can mostly using my flatmates stuff. if my flatmate was making food and had excess id sometimes have some if she offered but thats been it.