#this... is probably not a good thing? like. i just dont care rn. im tired.

[pizzapizzadickz]

I'm having a very weird time lately. Like. Yeah I'm working, being productive, all that jazz. But now im thinking about what to do with the money I make and am considering if I could just give it to my parents or something bc using it stresses me out far too much and honesty I just can't.

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

ok fine im a bit pissy

I did not spend HOURS of EVERY DAY this week, most often WELL AFTER MIDNIGHT

doing things for certain types of encampment that I CANT TALK ABT ON SOCIAL MEDIA ON RISK OF SELF-INCRIMINATION

to be palestine-guilted over MEMEING ABOUT MISHA COLLINS

I did not WORK MYSELF TO EXHAUSTION

face *REDACTED* and *REDACTED*

to be told that my HAPPY LITTLE FANDOM POSTING on a site with NO FINANICAL OR ALGORITHMIC SIGNIFICANCE TO CELEBRITIES somehow undoes alllll of that.

is this a good post? no. does it apply to a lot of ppl? prolly not. could I lose followers/moots for this? yeah.

but its what I'm feeling rn.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[phantom-does-a-thing]

I know it's not supposed to be. But GOD does it feel insulting to consistently be getting 9.5/10 on writing assignments like. I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. I wouldn't care this much if it was a 9/10 but I got half a point off and I don't know why. And It's WRITING it's supposed to be the one thing I'm GOOD at

[incorrect-riordanverse]

Can you explain Palestine vs Israel. I have done my own research and still do not understand. From my understanding Palestine attacked Israel first, and this war has been going on for so much longer than just now. So why is it suddenly so important and how is Israel in the wrong?? Genuinely trying to understand since you are spreading news of the Genocide on your page.

hey so i cant really explain all the complexities and details in a singular tumblr post. i dont really know how much research you did if october 7th is your earliest knowledge of ‘attack.’ israel has been an apartheid state since 1948 and during that year they were downright deplorable to palestinians to get them to be conpliant. nakba is probably the most notorious case but there is more.

this issue is important because this is the first time we see such atrocities in mainstream media and online. Its so oversaturated with suffering that it sets a precedent for how the world (the general public in particular) reacts outside of politicians and activists. will we continue to care when we see other people suffer, or will we grow numb and desensitised? it’s important we don’t lose our humanity like capitalist neoliberalism would prefer. just because we live comfortable lives, it doesnt mean we should be ignorant to those who are suffering. in fact, we should inspect ourselves and ask whether their suffering lends to our comfort and vice versa (it usually does). for instance, many western countries are profiting from this apartheid, hence their support.

i’m not going to list through everything (plus i myself don’t know everything) but i can tell you where to go, and hopefully some others can add on to it.

for israel’s crimes against palestine since october 7th on the account of genocide i feel like south africa has done an amazing job putting together documentations of evidence against them in the ICC. you can find the full thing on youtube or online. some of the crimes include bombing and stopping aid trucks from reaching gaza, preventing women from giving birth by bombing maternity wards, bombing hospitals (there are now 0 active hospitals in gaza, whereas before october there were 36. this info has not been updated in the case) to prevent civilians from getting life-saving treatment, psychologically tormenting civilians until they lose the will to live (particularly in children), and so on.

of course please pay attention to palestinian journalists within gaza specifically— they will show you firsthand whats happening. there’s many apart of al jazeera. al jazeera has also done some articles on the history for you. here is one on nakba. amnesty also did a good job on explaining what an apartheid is.

theres also quite a few independent ones that have become journalists through this attack from israel. bisan is one of them if youre active on tiktok. noor harazeen is a journalist on instagram.

here is a link on how israel funded hamas to rival the plo

here is al jazeeras article on the cultural genocide of palestinians through bombing ancient historical sites and artefacts.

kind of seperate to all that but still related is how support for palestine affects other people. people are losing the jobs over supporting palestine (such as melissa barrera in scream). yemen, another third world country who has been going through crises such as food insecurity for years, has been suspended aid by the UN because it has been aiding palestine throughout the conflict.

The UN in general has been useless about calling for a ceasefire. The United States vetoed during a UNSC meeting because the USA sucks ass. you can look any of this up and they will come with multiple sources im just too tired to find something rn (i’m currently on vacay and heavily sleep deprived).

also general advice to not ask a percy jackson account but an account dedicated to spreading information on the palestine-israel apartheid because they would be able to help you more. yes, ive talked about it on this account but that doesnt mean i’m qualified to explain 75 years of oppression.

[mochimouiemarty]

I need your headcanons I don’t care which character which fandom I need headcanons because you seem awesome now give them to me /affectionate

ARGHHHH IM SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG TO ANSWER?!?!? i was drawing the pookies to go with these hcs

i jumbled all my favs together and yeah have some silly hcs (thisll prolly be rlly short, or not) not in a set order so good luck finding the characters from fandoms you know 😈/hj

CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THIS!! Idia Shroud, Cater diamond, Mime Bomb, Weeping Clown

- Cater once played this dress up game for fun (or to make some content out of it), got some HARSH constructive criticism, never played again (person who insulted gave him advice was idia)

- Weepy often puts wax on the hair in front of his face to keep it out of his eyes while performing. (totally not based on an oc x canon thing i thought of.)

- Mime Bomb often has makeup residue around his eyes, making him look more tired than he already is. He struggles to get it out and also doesnt see the point bcs 9 times out of 10 hes gonna be hopping on another flight anyway!!!!

- Idia is half filipino. dont try and change my mind YOU CANNOT

- Cater has freckles and used to cover them up around highschool - year one in NRC. maybe because of insecurity or to follow the current "trends". maybe both!!!!!1!1!1!1! probably still does it to this even better if no one actually knows if his freckles are real or nah

- Mime Bomb knows how to draw! always uses himself as a reference when he can. loves drawing hands

- weepy is a jack of all trades, master of none. he'd observe and learn other peoples crafts silently from other people at the circus! even if he's not that good at most of them, he knows the basic stuff.. maybe.

- Cater often puts white eyeliner on to brighten up his eyes!!

- i think idia likes watching those process videos on sculpting and carving, just traditional art in general.

- cater probably likes to deconstruct a bunch of stuff, mainly content-making related things and especially music! I saw someone mention how passionate he seems about music based on the details in his room (might sound like a total idiot rn if those details were disclosed in one of the vignettes or something) so in my heart it seems like something he'd totes do. he's also a very detail oriented person so !1!1!1!1!1

- Joker dislikes popcorn, also smells like stale buttered popcorn(/hj)

- mime bombs skin is either hella sensitive or the complete opposite. I can see him either hoarding this one brand of makeup cuz it's the only one he can use, or his skin is THAT ok with any product that he's fine with using VILE products 😭

- I like to believe that Jokers hair is either a wig (or he dyed it) and he's a brunette. or he's just silly like that yk (the most likely possibility)

- Cater has an old list of piercings he wanted/wants, idk which ones he'd want but yuh!!! maybe he got a piercing when he was younger but got caught soooo

- Idia hates oily foods

this is probably it

also have the drawings that took TOO DAMN LONG.

"one is not like the other!!!!!" ahh favs 😭🙏

these are sort of my hcs on how they'd look? or at least a reference for myself for when I draw them again, I'm too inconsistent

random, but idias hair being so expressive is my most favorite detail about his character

I APOLOGIZE FOR ANY SPELLINV MISTAKES

—

ok these took too long thank you bye

[stellas-starry-stories13]

okay hi stella!! this is for the matchup reqs

so for gender boy pls <3

probably blue lock for the fandom (pjsk will probably get a lot of attention and i'm highly obsessed with bllk rn if you couldn't tell lmao)

for my personality i can be rlly shy and awkward when you first meet me, but once you get close to me i'll start acting how i usually do, being friendly and silly (insane and bouncing off the walls) i am definitely an introvert but i can be extroverted to people i'm close with. i'm super insecure sometimes and i get stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed easily

good personality traits are: kind, caring, selfless, good listener, funny

bad personality traits are: too selfless (i stop caring about what i want and only listen to what other people want), annoying (sometimes), when i'm tired i get very lazy

my love language is 100% physical touch, and i like to receive words of affirmation and physical touch

i'm very sensitive to being excluded, disappointing or letting people down, and i feel guilty when people worry about me

hobbies are drawing, reading, playing violin, playing games and watching tv (anime)

some talents i have are writing, playing my violin, and i'm a pretty fast runner! ^^

i'm a-okay with any age range as long as they're a minor! (bc i'm a minor)

so i'm assuming the only characters from bllk i can be matched up with are the ones you could write for from your previous blog (which off the top of my head was isagi, bachira, chigiri, nagi, reo, and rin???) so out of those 6 i wouldn't want to be matched up with isagi or nagi

what i don't want in a partner would be them telling me off or getting mad at me over small things, or just being an ass in general

what i would want in a partner would be them being really kind and willing to help me with whatever i need, and also someone that loves me for me ^^; and will help me feel better about myself

OKAYYYY that's all ty Stella!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

` . < Bluelock Matchup No.1~! > . '

A/N: HIIII WA ER BO LE.girl. in case you didnt know, someone who is introverted around strangers/acquiantances but extroverted around friends is called an ambivert LOL. Like me :p also im sensitive to being excluded too you have no idea. We kin each other. I kin all my moots. Anyway hop you like this ! !!!!! Thank you for requesting :3

For the grand reveal, I match you up with....

` . < Bachira Meguru~! > . '

A/N: he is literally PERFECT for you.physical affectin? ✔ words of affirmation? ✔ loves yuforo you? ✔ Helps you wuth every single thing to exist? ✔ like wow. Anyway hope you like this

Loves how energetic you are

You guys can bounce off the walls together

You guys are actually probably high on sugar

He loves that youre selfless but he definitely stops you if you go too far

Imagine someones trying to take advantage of your kindess and hes just. Staring. at them. With that huge smile. And those scribble eyes.

Yeah he'll just scare them off

His giving love language probably physical touch so like. No worries. Hes a cuddlebug. He'd also definitely be very affirming with words. He compliments your everything.

You guys probably have races all the time just because you say youre fast. He probably introduces you to chigiri

Also he will always include if youre in a group.

Though lets be honest, you dont need anyone but him anyway

[cometcrystal]

dott’s offical velma thoughts

watched eps 1 and 2. i only wanna talk about stuff i haven’t seen hashed out a million times. because im tired

heres what i LIKED:

like i said, the designs are sooo good. i LOVE the designs

the childhood pics of velma and daph were sooo cute

velma’s mom is sweet :) i like her from what we’ve seen. i doubt she left i bet shes part of the mystery

velma dealing with hallucinations/trauma and fred dealing with his dad making him feel inferior masculine-wise could be really cool plotlines if they were in a better adult scooby adaption

the guy whose leg gets cut off was a funny gag. thats the kinda gory joke i wanna see in an adult scooby adaption

“500 DOLLARS?? THATS LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS”

the drugs being named after their catchphrases is funny

velma and daphne’s romance so far is really cute and probably the best part of the show. yeah i know velma tried to kill her in episode 1 i really dont care at this point

daphne’s writing has its issues but shes still the best member of the gang in this one

the mystery is interesting and i wanna see how it plays out. im interested to see that aspect of it

heres what i DID NOT LIKE:

“fred’s creepy sex van” die mindy kaling

the meta 4th wall breaking shit. all of it. at this point im SO sick of this trope just let it die and make something genuine and beautiful for once

daphne’s lesbian cop moms. why do the lesbians always have to be COPS!!!!!!!!!

daphne’s cop moms pulling GUNS ON VELMA

fred’s voice is Not Good. velma and daphne’s voices sound good at least but i dont like fred’s voice acting. i think glenn howerton could be a great voice actor for another character but it just doesn’t sound like fred to me

velma’s dad being verbally abusive to her and velma being mean to her stepmom. what an unhealthy family

shaggy calling velma a bitch. literally evil

SWEET BUT PSYCHO IS IN THIS FUCKING SHOW DIE DIE DIE

all the other factors that people have talked about ad nauseum. the metoo joke. the h*tler joke. the jokes about fred’s genitalia. so on and so forth.

emphasizing that shaggy isn’t a stoner doesn’t really hit. either make him smoke weed, or don’t bother bringing it up. you can’t have it both ways

this could have been an original property and NOTHING would change. they really did just make this a scooby doo IP to make as many people angry as possible. i 100% believe that.

it’s just not funny. even if everything offensive was removed, it just wouldn’t be that funny of a show.

MISC THOUGHT: i dont really give a shit that scooby isn’t in this show. other members of the gang have been absent before and it’s been fine. he’ll be okay

anyway. im not viscerally angry rn. it had a few things i liked and am probably going to cling to but overall it was shit. i think waiting for a bit to watch it softened the blow. if i had went in completely blind, i would be seething at this moment. but i already did my seething

[that-starry-freak]

The show villainzing Nexus and trying to make us feel bad for Old Moon is really rubbing me the wrong way- eccpecialy because I've seen so many people actually feeling bad for him

Im not even going to watch the episodes. I dont care. Moon can rot. I dont like him as a person, and I can't even really enjoy his character because how much I see people saying he's done nothing wrong, isn't as bad as Nexus, and/or "well he's trying". It just- augh

I fucking hate Old Moon. If you like him, cool, thats great. Good for you

I just- i like my aus of him, he can be nice and I love his sass. But I just can't with him anymore. Hes such a fucking hypocrite too, Mr "You don't deserve how Eclispe treats you Ash, even though I do the same thing to him" go fuck yourself Moon. Yes, you're doing better, but I just can't anymore

If you can't tell I'm tired. Like- physically rn. And I'm frustrated and ranting

Yknkw what? I think Sol is fucking right. Fuck it, I'm on his side, Moons just fucking suck. Yes, even Ash. He's an excpetion for the most part, and he is amazing but not perfect and thats how people are. But I cant stand how he listened to Eclipse opening himself up and talking about his trauma and being so vulnerable, and retorted back with basically "I dont give a shit if you've been through so much i couldn't even imagine, I want an apology because you hurt my feelings" because yeah while its true I don't give ONE FUCK because that's is the worst fucking time for him to say that

Go fuck yourself Ash. God i can't even- i need to calm down Im just so pissed off. Moons in this how are passing me off. Old moon. Ash. Nexus. I fucking hate all of them even though I like the concept. Yes, I said it, I hate Nexus, but only because of thsi fucking arc. "I'm evil now" oh fuck off you're a young ass edgy ai who needs therapy, go calm the fuck down and come back to this later we've all fucking been there. I've been there, ive been convinced I'm the scum of the earth and evil. Guess what? I wasn't. Like God damn i-

Chat i can't even

I cant even with this show. I cant even with this fandom. And the only way I'm still here are the good episodes, the aus, and the people I surround myself with. So thank you Zee. Thank you Alex and Chills and Polaris. You guys make this show actually worth it

Now excuse me as I get ready for bed

And of course, cause I know this probably will piss people off, well have a good old disclaimer

This is just my opinion. It is not for debate, I'm just venting. I am frustrated. I mean no ill intent to anyone but fiction characters. im just ranting

[fungusfairgrounds]

People are doing a screenshot of an ask box thing on twitter from tumblr for their oc x canon im just gonna do it here+skipping some i dont wanna answer. Sorry if this ends up in a tag cause i say their name or w/e idc.... enjoy the fruits🍑🍐🌺🌟🌷🌻🌷🌻🌷

Grushangel answers in blue Hydieon in pink

1. Who makes the other blush all the time and who finds it adorable

I think they both make each other blush and they both think its cute lol...but Angel has an easier time flustering Grusha.

Hydie isn't quick to fluster, so Leon probably blushes more in that sense. They're both happy blushers though and both think its cute

2. Who sings in the shower

Angel hums sometimes, I don't think Grusha sings in the shower

Both probably, really loudly

4. Who embarrasses the other in public with kisses and pet names

Angel and Grusha are always calling each other pet names its not that embarrassing to them. It is probably embarrassing to their little siblings if they're there, though...#cringe. They don't really kiss in super public places, so if one kisses the other at the store or somethin it might make them a lil shy. I can see it either way

Hydieon dont caare they're PDA kings lol

5. Who curses, and who reprepends the other for it

They all curse and are responsible about who they curse in front of. Hydie might sometimes forget but hes not scolded for it, just reminded to not do that

6. What small quirks do they love about each other

I want to answer this one but I can't think rn I'll come back to it maybe ✌❤

7. Who makes the other laugh more

Angel and Grusha both make each other laugh a lot, its one of the initial reasons they're so fond of each other [:

Hydie probably makes Leon laugh more but Leon is always so giggly with Hydie to me so. Lala

8. Who gets jealous easier

Grusha definitely I think... not like super jealous per say but more so he just sometimes wants to hang out with Angel alone since its a rarity so when others get to hes just grr..

For Hydieon I donnt know I dont think theyre particularly jealous people. Maybe envious of some things but idk

9. How did they know they were right for each other

I got no clue how to answer this one but I do want to say I dont think there was an all knowing moment I think they are just happy together and make life joyful for the other and inspire the other to be better and grow and thats enough

10. Who brings up the subject of kids first

I think Angel always wanted a baby, but didn't know how Grusha felt so he never brought it up + they're already raising their little siblings so it felt like a tricky subject. So, he's pretty happily surprised when Grusha actually does bring up that he wants to be a dad. Also important to me cause shows a lot of healing in Grusha too...

I feel like they both kinda bring it up but in different ways ? Hydie is more subtle and points out lots of baby things in stores or mentions the families around them etc etc Leon eventually is the one to actually ask about it

11. Who's adorable when they're sleepy, and who gets grumpy and irritable

I dont like how this question is worded i dont think any of them are adorable per say

I think if anything Angel can be a little silly tired, but he's usually just groggy and zones out a lot. Grusha seems like he would be either cranky or really sad when he's tired.

Hydie might either be a tad snappy or very spacey depending. Leon i think doesn't change much I think he is good at hiding when he is very tired minus the several yawns.

12. Who's more protective

Grusha lala... i think he gets overly worried at times. Angel cares too but I think Grusha's experiences made him prone to really worry about the safety of those he cares about. He usually sends one of his Pokemon with Angel whenever he heads down the mountain just for that extra security. Keeps Angel safer but also so Grusha doesn't have to worry...as much.

Both Leon and Hydie are super protective of the other haha... I think they are both willing to sacrifice themselves for the other. Leon feels he has to do things on his own to protect Hydie though, but Hydie isn't having any of that lol. Hydie is very much a uses his body to shield Leon kinda guy, either very apparently (jumping in front of him when there's an angry Pokemon) or not so much (walking so he's between the street and Leon).

13. How do they express their feelings

Angel and Grusha both like to make the other laugh to express their love... they tease each other a lot too. Whenever they get time for just the two of them they enjoy every moment, and even if family is there they still do little things to feel closer. They are almost always holding the others hand when they're out and about on errands lala.

At home they show care and love a lot too by taking care of each other the best they can. Like i juuust said Grusha often has one of his pokemon go with angel when he goes off to work on art to make sure he stays safe. Angel makes sure Grusha eats well and always has a dish he likes at meals. When Grusha moves in, Angel invests in a lot of small things to make Grusha's life easier since he's disabled.

They get each other promise rings too when Grusha moves in...i dont wanna write it all out rn but felt like an important bit about how they express love.

Hydie and Leon just love to have fun together, making the other smile just makes them feel very loved I think.

They take the time to listen to each other and even dabble in the others interests as a way to get to know them better and feel more connected. Leon takes up gardening for Hydie so they can work on their garden together, meanwhile Hydie learns more about Pokemon battling so he can battle with and against Leon. He's not very good but I'm sure they make for a very annoying double battle with Leon's heavy hits and Hydie's status effects.

They do spend lots of time together though, pick each other up from work if they're able, go on evening walks, etc etc. I think they are just casually very lovely dovey haha. You can feel the lil hearts around them when they are together.

14. Where would they go on a 3 am adventure

Angel and Grusha live on Glaseado mountain and its always snowing so I think a 3 am adventure might be dangerous for them. If anything they might go to the convenience store, they don't want to leave home too long since their lil brothers also live there and might need them.

Hydie and Leon might go just about anywhere lmao. They might be out camping, or walking in the empty streets and looking at the stars. Maybe at the park on the swings and just laughing and playing. I think its nice for Leon to be out like that and not worry about being flooded by people...even if the two are sleepy the next day its worth it.

17. Who picks flowers for the other

Grusha would pick flowers for Angel I think if they are out and about... in general Grusha does like to buy Angel flowers a lot too. Angel likes to paint the flowers Grusha buys him, he probably has a sketchbook for tbat specifically haha.

They like to have picnics when they can and relax, so I can imagine Grusha putting flowers in Angel's hair, too...Angel probably returns the favor.

Both ! Leon really likes getting Hydie bouquets while Hydie likes to bring home picked flowers for Leon+ cuttings from the garden for them both to enjoy

18. Which one wears the "im with stupid" shirt

Angel

Neither

19. Whos the better dancer

Angel isn't a good dancer I dont think but he probably wins by default cause Grusha only has one real leg

I think Hydieon dances silly but they do love to dance together. They dance in the kitchen a lot or in the garden, lil moments of joy

20. Who infodumps and who listens with heart eyes

I think this question only fits Hydieon lmao anyways the answer is both, they love to listen to each other talk and take turns sharing their fixations

Ok im editing in Grushangel. I dont think its necessarily info dumping but when Grusha is okay with it again (therapy yay) he probably watches a lot more sports and Angel watches with him even if its not really his thing, its fun and he loves what it means to Grusha.

Grusha would listen to Angel talk about art stuff too, not so much heart eyes but he would come to adore Angel's passion for the arts. It rubs off on him a bit and he gets into knitting haha.

[muzdiir]

i transferred 4 times when i was working on my bachelor's (bc of crippling anxiety). it took me a total of 7 years to finally get the fucker. things i would recommend to others in the college realm:

FILL OUT YOUR FAFSA. even if u think u won't qualify for any financial aid, do it anyway! i forget what age u can do it as an independent but it helps A TON. (i'm sure fafsa may be well-known to most college-age ppl but it sure wasn't to me. if i knew fafsa was a thing, i woulda gone to college right outta high school but i didnt & i thought i could never afford it)

if u qualify for federal loans, ALWAYS choose them over private. theyve got better interest rates & terms. ur loans will come outta their grace period 6 months after u graduate; if u don't have a job/enough income to pay the monthly balance, LET YOUR LOAN SERVICER KNOW. you can put them into deferment and/or forbearance (i dont remember the exact difference rn) until you're able to afford it. even then, federal loans can (usually) be adjusted for your salary.

start off with community college, esp if you have anxiety/financial concerns. the tuition is usually dirt cheap (for US college), the admissions process is infinitely easier, you can get all your basic degree requirements done, it is completely fine & normal to only do it part time, (most) instructors are super chill, & (probably my favorite aspect) it is full of non-traditional students (ie older folks ranging from "just past ''''normal''''' college age" to "retiree just here for a good time). nontrad students are the best bc 1) they have so much real world experience that they bring to the classroom 2) they easily keep class discussions going 3) they are frequently very helpful/encouraging towards younger students 4) they genuinely give a fuck about their education & don't waste anyone's time

make sure to have fun with your electives. pick what you like but also try new things. you never know what will suddenly spark your interest & perhaps become your major.

keep your mind open irt majors. it's okay to change your mind!!! just keep pluggin' along & sticking to classes you enjoy. if it sucks, drop them! talk to department advisors about changing ur major. (i would recommend you do this BEFORE you graduate--fafsa/federal finaid only really works for ur 1st bachelor's but you can milk it if you're careful & paying attention to tuition/fees/room&board)

make sure you're aware of what help the school offers irt mental/physical/financial well-being. if ur struggling w certain academics-related stuff, u can usually find help to make it easier on yourself. (the uni in the UK i went to had this whole thing where u could get specific accommodations if u had physical/mental limitations which was Neat)

im sure i have more but i'm tired & its almost 4am as i type this lmao

[unlikely-bloom]

Honestly the constant discourse about Kyman, as someone who ships it, is kinda making me want to distance myself from what used to be my OTP. People speaking ill of Kyman shippers is working on me and starting to make me worry that I'm doing something wrong by shipping it. I shouldn't care about what ppl on the internet think and I usually don't but constantly being told that I'm "supporting" something thats "abusive" or problematic is getting to me. Like dammit, I didn't even know about the discourse when I got into Kyman; I got into it by watching the show itself and it was my first SP ship but honestly if I knew that people gave a shit about it in the SP fandom I probably wouldn't have bothered. It'll always have a place in my heart but I'm getting tired of this shit 😔 Im extra emotional rn so Im not being rational here and you dont have to publish this. I know fandom shouldn't have that affect on me I'll get over it after Style vs. Kyman fight 2192943290 blows over. Idk if you're comfortable with vents sorry if I crossed a boundary here.

Oh, anon. It never used to be like this.

Fandom discourse these days is insane. Unhinged, even. The idea that anyone is more morally correct than someone else for what they ship and enjoy in fiction is absolutely ludicrous. Especially within the context of shipping fucking South Park characters.

The hard truth is that every fandom is like this now. You don't have shipping wars just arguing over what makes more sense 'in canon', but moving on to an ever-changing line of what is and isn't 'morally acceptable.' As if that's ever something the majority of people would ever agree on. (Hint: it's not!)

But there is a certain irony to see people arguing this for South Park of all things, as if we aren't all equally degenerate for enjoying such a 'problematic' show in the first place. Like... seriously. Be so serious, people. It's South Park. Everything is exaggerated for comedic effect-- including character's personalities, their actions and their relationships to one another. It's never going to be a character driven show no matter how much this fandom sometimes wishes it was. We're going to have characters who don't give a fuck about each other, literally wishing death or plotting to kill each other in one episode and then they're just going to be chilling playing video games in the next episode like nothing happened. It's episodic. That's part of the appeal. It's why it's such a sandbox.

Even if you didn't ship Kyman, their dynamic is impossible to ignore, try as some might. They say they hate each other, yet they keep hanging out. Both parties are there of their own volition. They both enjoy each other's company, and no amount of write-up's anyone can post on tumblr dot com is going to change that canon fact. They're friends.

Also-- they are just plain fun to watch, fucking hilarious and a huge appeal of the show! If someone else who watches the show doesn't like them, that's their problem. Them not liking an aspect of the show isn't going to make that part of the show any less valid and/or canon. And guess what? You're supposed to like their dynamic. It's supposed to be entertaining and captivating. How you interpret it is up to you, but there is 100% nothing wrong with watching an episode of South Park and enjoying Eric and Kyle's dynamic-- that is what you're supposed to do. So don't feel bad about it. The show is made for people to enjoy, after all. Also, it's important to keep in mind that just because you can find a dynamic appealing doesn't mean you endorse everything about it. That's such a wild and new-age fandom take. Fiction is an escape-- a safe space to explore unrealistic relationships and unrealistic characters. You're allowed to like fucked up things in fiction. You're allowed to like stuff in fiction you'd find repulsive or abhorrent in real life.

I think I can speak for a good chunk of the fandom when I say, I'd fucking hate Eric Cartman in real life. Hell, I'd probably hate Kyle, too. I have a lot of favourite characters from different fandoms I'd probably hate in real life. They're fun because they're fictional and it's different from real life. If I wanted to read about stuff that happens in real life, I wouldn't be here.

In the end, anon, fandom is supposed to be fun. To me it's just fun to take these silly little egg construction paper kids, draw 'em as anime characters, and give 'em some angst. It's fun! There's so much to do with them! They're soooo dynamic!

But if you're not having fun-- if you're stressing-- there's nothing wrong with taking a step back for your own mental well-being. I'm not about to tell you your feelings are invalid, because I know how any internet discourse, no matter how trivial or silly it may seem, can still stress you out. If you're constantly being told you're morally corrupt or problematic, it can take a toll on you-- even if you know you're not. The truth is you're never going to agree with everyone on the internet, and people will weaponize something as trivial as a South Park ship to make them feel better about their ship while also making you feel worse about your ship.

Anyways, when it comes to stepping back, I think there's a few ways you could go about this;

You could disengage with the social part of the fandom-- focus on the show itself, maybe just hunker down with some fanfics.

If you'd like to remain active on social medias, I think it wouldn't hurt to start blocking liberally. Anyone who has anything along the lines of 'Kymans DNI' in their profile, just block right away. You don't want to see their opinion, anyways. You're never going to convince them otherwise.

If you have a few close friends, I recommend sticking close in a small private discord server where you can discuss your headcanons and gossip in private. It's much more liberating than trying to get involved in any of the insane discourse that plagues both here and Twitter.

Anyways, anon, do what's right for you. Kyman shippers will always be here to welcome you back! They can say what they want-- we have too much canon fodder for us to ever go away!!

[chaeyoungeeee]

why is love so hard?

summary- y/n and taehyung are dating. their girlfriend and boyfriend. with love comes many hardships and this couple struggles with all the issues especially because their fairly young. will it last forever or will they breakup?

rating- 16+

pairings- boyfriend taehyung, girlfriend y/n

genre- eventual smut ig, couple

warning- angst, arguments, grinding lol, breast play, light spanking lol

disclaimer- i don’t own taehyung! this is just a ff

A/N: heyy, this is my first ever ff so im not very used to what i’m supposed to do to make it a good one! please make sure to tell me if there is anything to do to improve. im planning on making a series. maybe every chapter can be a different argument concept! anyways i hope this is good <3 omg also pls ignore my punctuation and vocab their is not a range im sorry 😭 it will defo improve tho overtime just not rn

it was a saturday afternoon and there you sat at the coffee shop alone because your boyfriend left you to go talk to his childhood girl best friend. you cross your arms and sigh, you think its best to not look at him to avoid getting jealous. its not a big deal you think. but its annoying to be left alone for some prettier girl. you decide to distract yourself on your phone. you were planning not to say anything until you look up at them and their hugging. in what situation does it involve for her to hug him?? you thought they were just talking. you decide to ignore it. you dont wanna be known as a bitch you know? you get so fed up you stand up and gather your things and leave, choosing to be blind from the apparent flirting that is going on between them.

you decide to indulge in some self care. you have a warm bubble bath, you do a facemask, you make yourself some cookies and guess what? still taehyung isnt home. you scoff to yourself and go over to the couch, turning the tv on. you decide to put mean girls on. always a movie that distracts you but not right now. what if taehyung likes his best friend better now? you decide to just have a nap because it seems nothing is working to distract yourself. your slumber is soon interrupted by taehyung carrying you upstairs. you open your eyes and furrow your eyebrows. “tae..?” *you rub your eyes softly.* “what time is it..?” he licks his lips “its 7:43pm, baby. whyd you leave the coffee shop?” he puts you down on the bed. you scoff “are you being serious?? been at the coffee shop for 2 hours? what were you even doing with her, huh? i left because you clearly were having fun with your friend. why were you hugging her??” you question, frowning a little. were you just not good enough or something? he bites his lip in frustration and ruffles his hair. “listen, babe. we havent seen each other for 9 years. she was the one talking to me. did you think i wanted to talk to her for 2 hours? i wanted to talk to you only. i was just being polite.” you sigh “answer my question, taehyung. why were you guys hugging??” he sits at the edge of the bed, clearly fed up. “can i not hug my friends now? can you just stop crying about it? its not even a big deal, babe.” youre offended now. youre not making a big deal out of this. its just frustrating. “you know what? why dont you fuck off to her then if im making such a big deal about this, huh??” he glances over at you in disbelief. “baby- stop this. you know i dont want her. youre the only one i want.” you purse your lips. “clearly not.. i’m going out. dont even try and follow me.” and with that you begin to walk to the door. he raises his voice a little “you cant just walk away from this y/n! if youre genuinely jealous we need to talk about it.” you shake your head “im not talking about anything with you, fuck off.” and you open the door and slam it behind you. leaving taehyunf alone. you decide to get in your car and drive to your friends house. youre honestly so tired with all this.

5 hours later- 10:13.

you walk in the house, tired asf and youre sure taehyung has probably left until you walk into the kitchen. peonies on the counter..? your favourite flowers. you smile a little and turn to the dining table where taehyung sits, asleep on his arm. you see a paper folded beside him, being curious you go over to him and open it. ‘im so sorry babe. i didnt mean to make you jealous. i promise i wont leave you again without bringing you with me. i love you, princess.’ you blush. princess?? thats new. you feel taehyungs eyes on you and you put the paper down. hes awake now. taehyung yawns softly. “im sorry, jagiya…” you sigh and you find purchase on his lap, looping your arms around his neck. “im sorry to.. i might have made a big deal out of it but i was just.. mad.” you decide to connect your lips. taehyungs hands fall to your hips, squeezing softly as you mouth at his lips, you dart your tongue inside his mouth as he does the same. you have an idea. you slowly begin to grind on his crotch. he groans into your mouth as you do the same, savouring the feeling of his long thick clothed member against your sex that is already wet. you pull away. “fuck i need you so bad, baby..” you continue to grind harder. his hand falls onto your ass, slapping it harshly. you moan. “baby.. please just fuck me.” he smirks “not yet, jagiya.” he slides his hands up to your boobs that are spilling out off your dress. he slides the straps off your dress down and begins to fondle with your breasts, his fingers teasing the buds by pinching them. arousal dripping both of you, hot bodies rocking against each other. the sound of you guys moaning. this is the best thing you ever came up with to forget about an argument!

[lalilsa]

the thing about me not listening much to kpop anymore is just how frustrated i am lmao by listening kpop i mean new releases i simply don't care expect when it's a fav group which aren't many left that's why i feel so bored rn because most of my favorite groups either disbanded or are on a never ending hiatus and most new songs i listen too doesn't have the same feeling it used to have + kinda tired how nowadays it seems everyone is following the same concept ?? i mean i dont see much diversity as we used to have back in 2nd nd 3rd gen and i hate to sound nostalgic lmao also i kinda miss the weirdnesses when companies weren't afraid of putting their idols in the ugliest outfit/hair you've ever seen and do experimental shit and i know probably there are many examples of all of this till this day it's just not as common/mainstream anymore like cmon watch the fantastic baby mv and nowadays top groups mvs it's just not the same lol we need more nonsense and weird shit also the sexy concept is so rare now probably cause they be debuting 14yo toddlers idkk just listening to some old bangers and the industry is really satured ((btw not only kpop i think about music industry in general we only have the same type of music trending on spotify top 50 and we're having shorter and shorter songs like whattt where's the diversity where's my 5 min music hmm anyways)) also i kinda miss being more into kpop so probably will be listening to some new sounds i already love the last from viviz which i only found out about the existece like 2 weeks ago watching youtube shorts and coming to a fancam and going WHAT UMJI DEBUTED AGAIN ??? and finding out 3/6 gfriend were in the group literally made my day lol cause i had a smal gfriend obsession back in 2020/21 and right after they announced the disband and i was like no pls another one ??? i feel so frustrated w kpop because every new group i start listening to and be interested in somehow end up in the same direction (disbandment) like im not kidding it happened w sistar pristin 9muses laboum gfriend etc and the ones still in activity are honestly all half dead blackpink lol exo red velvet winner monsta x i mean of course it happens the time in which every group eventually will end like they need to follow theie lives do other projects and it's good when it's a decision they made after like 10 years working together (such as sistar) not something abrupt like what happened to pristin they were still rookies i mean shut uuuup or what happens to blackpink in releasing a comeback every 2 years only to have 8 new songs also completely hate the ones w 4 comebacks w mini albums every year i guess 2 a year it's absolutely fine like take a time to rest too lol but sometimes it seems there's no mid term it's 100 or 0.. hmm anyways that's it

[jsdgfsdf]

Cainpesh mode tierlist official...as of like 10 seconds ago

Pesh mode rambling under tge readmore its long. If it werent long it would just be visible in the post itself but myeh i actually care about post length rn also take this w like 5 teaspoons of salt im not a longtime depeche mode veteran fan or anything i just like their music a lot

Ummmmmoh these are all in order btw not like randomized in the groups. I was real purposeful w this one. for starters im a little biased towards ultra cus it was the first album i listened thru all the way cus i found the cd at goodwill in like. ? August ? September maybe and i was like well why not ive been meaning to listen to pesh mode. That and its just a really good album. It took me a couple listens to really get Into it but its definitely my #1 fave now..call that my..ultra fave..lawl..

Funnily enough i didkt really like playing the angel much when i was first getting into dapeachmode (its funny bc that was my first lile formal introduction to them outside of just cant get enoof by joel vinesauce. Everyone say thank you syd and his oc shangri-la) cus i thiught it was too harsh..? Or something? And i really only like 7 (lol) or so of the songs but the ones i do like are Really Fucking Good imo and its admittedly a very powerful album and i like that.

Music for the masses has a lot of aongs i like too though like a LOT camera pans over to my 100+ scrobvles of never let me down again atp..and my 3 hoarded usernames..and that ine bunny piece..etceteta. Well actually 2 bunny oieces but the other one is strangelove. Its basically just an album full of my favorite songs who am i to argue w that.. though its also sorta the same case w black celebration cus theyre both Albums With My Favorite Songs but idk. Thats why its the last album in best evar

I dont really have much explanation for awsome thru oretty good except for what i just said abt black celebration.. i was sorta torn between putting violator before delta machine or not cus in my mind theyre tied. I also really liked construction time again when i listened to the whole thing Oh My god tje original mix of love in itself. Hhoouuuuh

Memento mori i remember liking a lot when i listened to it the whole way thru id need to give it a relisten.. but i remember exciter was sortof a slog so its after..i really like tge sweetest condition though as evident to friends who have my contact info. A broken frame is good too and some of the first songs i listened to are on there But that said i wouldnt change my mind on the placement. It kinda suffered a little cus i listened to like 2 songs too much on loop and got tired of them (i think satellite and monument And sortof my secret garden cus it was? Is? In my bunny playlist so you can imagine how many times ive listened to That) its just kindof a meh album to me to be mote specific.

Sorry to all the songs of faith and devotion fans out there i dont like it all that much except for in your room (should be obvious that its one of my most favorite depeche mode songs ever..and the only one ive seen the music video for so far) and walking in my shoes but thats stretching it now. And rush but i cant listen to it w/o thinking of this one specific thing and it makes me cringe so hard every time i wanna curl up into a ditch and dissolve into the groundddddffd it sucks cus rush is such a good song

Speak&spell is okay i feel like i was a little harsh w the tier title there especially cus that was their first album and its really not all that bad.. i think i mightve listened to it before anything else too but i might be mixing that up w the one cure album w the fridge picture or whatever it was. It was like. Teal fridge. I think my favorites are probably whats your name & i sometimes wish i was dead but thats pretty basic oooops.. its ok. Also speak&spell has just cant get enough on it which is just a classic even if itsnnot one of my favorites i still like it. And the midi version too.

Finally i dont even know if i listened to spirit fully i know i have scum in my liked songs cus it came on shuffle once probably..and its an alex song to me i usually put character songs i cant fit in playlists in my liked songs..id have to give it a/another listen I thibk i just skipped it cus i was worn out from listening to every other album in a row by that point. I think i listened to wheres the revolution too and didnt really like it but idk.

Also heres my pesh mode faves playlist for reading all of this yes its bunny themed dont Dont even talk me

[foursdarkdays]

i like a girl lol

Sooooooooooooo ummm the title of this rant? would be "i like a girl" lmaooo Soooooo yeah theres a girl i kinda like?? its nothing serious tho but yeah i like her ig, she's not really my type tho but idk . She treats me so well i cant help it. i feel things lol. I keep checking my phone every second of the day (just did again) and it sucksssss. She kinda likes me back? atleast thats what she says . but idk i dont think so. The possibility is too narrow but yeah.

She has a boyfriend lol and its not like i care tbh cause its not like i wanna make her cheat on him something i mean she wouldnt and i wouldnt want her to. Also i know this isjust a phase for her and itll go away soon. for her or for me. Yk know i cant like someone for long especially if i dont see a possibilty of us dating. so yeah im gonna go with the flow rn. She told me that she had a crush on me since months tho but again ahh i dont think so. maybe shes overthinking . maybe she just wants to be my friend.

anywayyy soo im just going with the flow. we flirt a lot. we blush a lot. Thta bitch flirts with othets and makes me jealous lmao dumb fuck and i do the same bwahaah. sooooo yeahhhh i know after whatever this thing is ends im gonna be sad af for 2 weeks i think? cause we talk so much and its gonna be lonely. but again im a pro at moving on soooooooooo

7/10/23 (1:51am)

(im gonna keep adding the rants)

and the best thing about this is that i'm very well prepared for the heartbreak so im sure it wont hurt much lol im actually very sure about that. I always expect the worst in these things so its going to be chill. I'm sure shell come out of this phase soon and it will only be a memory for both of us. mostly in a good away tho. I'm not gonna take this too seriously and just have fun. you're flirting? okay ill flirt back. you're treating me well? ill do the same yeah thats it lol

i have a strong gut feeling that this is gonna end soon like 3-4 days? i dont know. lets see

7/10/23 (18:25)

Oh wow soooo it almost ended that day lollll but then yeah we kinda talked it out? Anyways i feel like something changed after that. I think in a good way? The obsession feelings decreased and maybe the good friendship feelings increased? I honestly have no idea and i should probably stop trying to figure it out lol. Anyway now I'm back and i think she doesn't like me anymore. Maybe I'm just over thinking? But lol nvm let's see how it goes

11/10/23 (2:05am)

Lmao bitch read this post. anyways im gonna act like no one knows about this account. Its soooooo scary i know i've told this before but its just really scary. See i have trust in myself that if IF something goes wrong ill move on fast, OKAY WHY AM I OVERTHINKING AGAIN. lets fuck this. SHES SO CUTE IM SO OBSESSED I HATE HER SO MUCH. ITS SO MUCH FUN TALKING TO HER. even though sometimes i really wanna push her off a cliff but its okay. I wanna write so much but im blank again wtf

14/10/23 (01:48am)

Why do i feel like she hates me now. Maybe she'll finally lose feelings. i mean yeah thats okay and understandable but it'll be too sudden so idk. I'm ready for anything at this point . I wanna text her but i guess ill give her space. I'll just distract myself and sleep. She has nooooooo idea about the amount of over thinking im doing rn. im so sure shes done with me and will never see my face again. lemme prepare myself. Thankfully im veryyy tired so ill fall asleep easily.

14/10/23 (9:22 pm)

i randomly have such sudden outbursts of love for this baby. i want to cup her face and kiss her whole face , i want to hug her to my chest and kiss her head and baby the fuck out of her. She's gonna cringe reading this (please dont). I want to like put our foreheads together and close my eyes and feel it yk??? i sound soooooo weird. Please dont be creeped out

15/10/23 (10;02pm)

I like her so much like so so so so so so much. Its very scary and i know for a fact that i will be hurt later but ugh its sooooo worth it. I'm sooooo happy with her. The feelings keep growing and i dont think im gonna let it stop. its okay ill let it grow. yoloooo sooo ahhhhh. We just had a pubg date sksksksk shes soooooooo ahhhhh. She flirts so confidently , i was panicking behind the pubg call sksknjiuck. anywaysssss ugh I want to kiss her sooooooooooooooooo bad like fuckkkkkkkkkk i wanttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!.

20/10/23 (01:13am)

Hiii so idk bro she says she's more obsessed with me but obviously i disagree. I think i really fell harder lol I mean it's scary af but anyways. Idk she can go for hoursssss without talking to me and be fine and me ? Lolllllll I try to text back whenever I can but she doesn't do that. Maybe I'm asking too much. Okay i should chill out fr. I don't wanna depend on anyone lol. I only want fun stuff here even though i know I'm kinda in deep but anyways it'll be okay. I know she's putting a lot of effort i shouldn't complain. I'm getting more than i deserve anyway. And I AM happy af. I just miss her i guess. I sound sooooo stupid. Ugh I hope she doesn't read this

21/10/23 (17:12)

(23/10/23) 1:40am

She didn't text me back today. But I'm gonna be understanding. I don't want to overthink. Not today . There are so many possibilities and i wanna listen to her . I really want to be understanding. Because i genuinely care . I didn't text her back till 2pm due to some valid reasons tho but anyway I feel calm now. I texted in our gc and she seen zoned but maybe she has her reasons . Let's see . I don't want to think about anything. I really hope she's alright .

It's like i want her to text me about her day and all but then I don't want to expect much i don't want her to do zyada also idk she's already treating me nicely and it makes me happy. Its honestly more than enough and I don't want to be greedy.

23/10/23 (19:12)

okay sooo ummm the reality is hitting me these days. I was okay being the side chick but its really hitting me lol. Its not like she makes me feel that way nahhh she shows that she cares. Its just that idk maybe im only stupid. she flirts with others and sends me screenshots and everytime she does that i lose little feelings. Even though she does that for fun idk. If she keeps doing this, i might actually lose feelings lol idk how to tell her that. I dont wanna bicker or anything i dont have the strenght and anyway she'll be like nooo i do it for fun only because im cool. **heavy sigh** nvm . but should i let her know? communication is good yk. i guess ill try tonight. if she doesnt fall asleep. Okay ill tell her that, rest is her wish lol .

oh yeah btw todays our 1 month anniversary???? ehehehehe

okay she fell asleep, shes really sick so i hope she feels better soon.

but anyway i keep feeling stupid lmaoooooo i need to stop feeling this way and accept it. Thats the only way lol

21:23 (30/10/23)

Wah its been long, soooo umm idk we kinda had a disagreement? i honestly dont know what that was but yeah im 1000% sure that it wasnt my fault. i took my time to write and explain everything but nah i guess shes mad at me? ofcourse she is. we didnt talk the whole day and its kinda driving me crazy but im trying to look normal. I wont text her first , not because i have ego or anything but because im not at fault here. She took things a little too far and i got triggered. But again i did explain her everything like why it triggered me and all because i didnt want any misunderstanding. But yeah shes mad at me for that? i honestly dont know what to do. is this the end of us? i dont want it to end like this. I'm not ready but i also wont text first. She needs to own up to her mistakes. I miss her. I miss her so much . please text me ughh .

its okay i guess. this is like a break for us i think i dont know how this will end up

22:56(7/11/23)

lmao i got on with a lot of thoughts in my head but as usual im black again. sooo i cant stop thinking about her and its scaring the shit out of me. Atp im pushing myself to go out with friends and family just to divert myself from thinking about her lmaooo yeah its that bad. The worst part is even k-pop idols are not helping me this time. Its always her on my mind. But ill try my best to distract myself because i feel very one sided. Its prolly not but kinda is . idk. But i'm also behaving the same way with her ig? i talk about idols and behave like they're the only ones on my mind when its absolutely false. I'm sure its not the same for her tho. she really isnt that whipped for me lol. and thats okay. ill keep trying to calm myself down . BUTTT the more i try the more i think. What do i do?

05:36am (17/11/2023)

we had a talk yesterday and it hit a nerve, It hit a wrong spot and now idk what i feel anymore. It was hurting. My heart felt like it would explode. I felt too much that i dont feel it now. No i'm not over her. It'll take time for sure but something snapped for sure. I'm taking a break today, from her. I need to analyze my feelings and emotions and think. I need to be ready for whatever is about to come. and i will be, Im strong and i can do it.

I never spoke about this or wrote it here but i think i should now. I need to analyze my feelings and write it out. I like her. i like her a lot. It was all happy happy at first, just us flirting. It wasnt that serious. But it did get serious later. A lot of feelings got involved. I know i know that she has a boyfriend and that i am a second option. I know its genuine and she really likes me. But i sometimes i wish the other way around. Everytime she mentions her boyfriend, its like a stab in my heart and reality hits me. I get distant for a bit. idk if she notices. its not her fault tho, I cant talk to people about this because i know what they're gonna say. "its all your fault, you knew she was taken but you still chased her. its all on you. you"re stupid for even hoping or wanting something from a straight taken woman" oh dont even get me started on how much it hurts when she tells me shes straight. Its gives me mixed signals. she says she wants to kiss me, hold me and do things with me and then she says shes straight. see i know sexuality is not an easy thing, it takes a lot of time and courage and thinking to come to a conclusion and tbh its okay even if she doesnt, but i cant stop my feelings and my overthinking. what if she doesnt really like me and its really just a phase shes going through. because im confident about the way i feel. i like women, i like her, romantically , emotionally and sexually.

i want her. i want her so bad even if its for a month, i want to experience how it feels like to be in a real relationship with her but i know its impossible. Like that equation doesnt even exist.

yesterday night, when she told me she loved me. i couldnt say it back. I didnt have enough energy to feel things because my heart was already hurting. Thats why im taking a break from her today, Her calling me baby , princess and whatever cute things she does , its making me feel guilty. She shouldnt do those things for me, but i want it . i dont know what im typing honeslty. i just want her so bad but i know i shouldnt. i NEED to tone down now . from my side, ill take the love shes giving me, also reciprocate. but not more than that because even i feel guilty and shes going through things because of me, she says its worth it but is it? i know that one day both of us will move on from this. I'm pretty sure we're gonna think about this and laugh but right now i want her, But i also dont , But i do. lol.

14:04 (21/11/23)

Hi, lol. I feel so much for her. like so so so so much. what we have is so precious and important to me. i dont want to let her go. As a girlfriend, yeah i guess one day we'll have to part, but as a friend? i dont want to lose her. I may sound greedy but along with her girlfriend(idk what we are but lets pretend im her girlfriend) right now, i also want to be her second best friend. Is it too much to ask ? i mean i guess it is. It hasnt been that long but our emotional bond is too strong and idk if ill ever find it anywhere else. Even if i dooo ugh idk i just want her for a long time. Even after we break up and take our time off, i want her to talk to me. This may sound selfish but yeah. I still want her to come nag to me, complain about things and share her problems, emotions etc. Relationship issues, marital issues, friendship issues, work related issues, family issues, financial issue etc like literally anyyything. I want her to feel comfy with me, I will never force her tho. I just hope things turn out this way instead of us completely falling apart. Because if it breaks , im sure itll take more than 2 years for me to open up tp anyone again. After my last ex best friend , i really shut myself off and it was lonely. I do have friends and i know they are always there for me but i cant open up to them. emotionally. But with her i can. So i want her , need her for a long time. We may drift . life is unpredictable and people change so its okay but i hope both of us try our best. I know she said she ignores and ghosts her close friends when she feels something is off and then they drift apart but i want her to really try for us. Idk if it will be worth it for her but i want her to try because i know i will. unless she wants otherwise. lol why am i having such emotions today? this is the first time im feeling this way. with us i mean. okay ill stop now.

26/11/23 22:30

I think I'm in love lol idk I tried so much to not be 'in' love and to just love her but I think I failed at it. I'm even scared to admit it to myself because I'm a coward. I still don't want to admit it to myself. I love her so much . I feel so stupid for loving someone who loves someone else. I was never like this. What is wrong with me? Idk but can it be helped? No. I know I'll move on in the future and everything will fall into place but right now ugh i love her and I feel stupid af. Like really really stupid. I'm never telling this to anyone tho. They'll make fun of me lol. They won't understand. I myself don't understand anything. I'm giving away so much of myself and it's going to take a lot of time for me to get it back like after we break up. Anyways I hope she gets well soon. She must be in a lot of pain. It hurts to even think that she might be in pain ughhhh stupid**inserts my name* get it together.

Come back soon . I feel like a zombie without you

Lol I just looked at my instgram activity and was wondering why I had spent 4 hours on Instagram yesterday when we didn't even talk. Then I realised that we did. It has only been a day but it feels like weeks? Wtf? What is going on with me. I'm scared I'm so so scared.

28/11/23 (23:43)

Happy 2 months to us lol sksksk anyways I didn't miss her yesterday. Probably because I was dealing with my own shit . Doesn't mean I like her any less. I still care . I hope she feels better soon

30/11/23 (00:19)

I googled the recovery rate and the death rate of dengue and I'm more paranoid now. Maybe I'm crying too much because I'm sick . I cry a lot when I fever like it heightens whatever I feel and now I'm worried about everything. Myself , her ahhh.

This is way too scary. New fear unlocked. I don't wanna say it but ugh just the thought of your loved one not being there hurts lol. I think I'll never move on from it. Never. So dear universe or whoever is listening to me , you've been mean to me these days , there are only 2 things that I want the most right now. The most. And I'll do anything for it. 1. Her getting well soon. 2. I need freedom from my life . Which means moving away to another country. I need these so bad. I don't care if I don't die anymore. I know I've always wanted to die and that was the only prayer in my head but now no. I want these 2 . Please please please. I won't be able to take it please ahh I'm crying again. I'm never getting attached to anyone again.

It's December already, please please please I promise that if these two things happen, I WILL NEVER NEVER EVER think about killing myself again. I promise this. I really really really promise you. But , if not , then that's it. You know I've always wanted to die , ever since 2011, so I'm giving up on this if I get the things I want. Atleast the 1st one. I won't be able to live at all.

Why am I crying so much. It's too much to handle. I feel like the nerves in my head will tear open with the strain. Its been long since I cried so much . I know I'm over thinking but why can't I fucking stop. STOP. Okay I'll just sleep .

1/12/23 (00:05)

I didnt miss her at all these last 3 days but i think i miss her a little today. I suddenly think about her and feel like crying. This is not because i miss her but idk. I feel like every bad thing happened to me at once and my mental health is at stake. 1. her being extremely sick with that deadly virus? whatever it is. 2. My uni thing. 3 me falling sick as well. i cant control my emotions when im sick. especiallllyyyy fever. i feel so weak and that stupid fever aftertaste on my tongue is making me wanna puke. i think im sleeping a lot these days. like 16 hours a day or something, maybe physcial and mental exhaustion is catching up to me. fuck this life . anygays idk i hope something good happens please. i wanna cry again lol. crying feels nice all of a sudden . its all because im sick lol. i guess ugh idk fuck this

i slept on the couch yesterday night, i think ill do the same tonight lol. i always sleep on the couch when im sick i guess??? ah im sleepy again. prolly med effect. ill eat and sleep now. i hope my baby feels almost better tomorrow. wow im sleepy af all of a sudden . no energy i think ill fall off byee

01/11/23 (20:16)

Lol i haven't written in so long ahhh yeah idk it's going okay I guess. We were having a call on gmeet with another friend of mine and she spoke about her boyfriend today. Idk what happened to me and why it happened but I cried wtf? Like wtf?????? Idk what to do anymore. It's reality I know but it's hurting. I know I'm just a ummm what am I again? No one omg fuck this

03:20 (18/11/23)

i love you

22:36(uk time zone) 11/02/24

Ah i need you so bad but i yeah i should be understanding. I’ll be. But know that i need you so bad like emotionally but im not brave enough to text you .

15/02/24 1:14pm

I love you . It feels sad now . When i think about her, my brain makes me sad lol. Whenever i imagine fake scenarios with her my brain keeps constantly reminding me that im just delulu and nothing will ever happen. I already know that but lemme be happy? i keep thinking about the break up that will happen soon when she gets engaged. I know there’s time, there’s a lot of time but i can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like it’s always there at the back of my mind. I just wanna be delulu , carefree and happy. I don’t wanna think much okay bye

29/02/24(2:30am)

I hope you dont see this but I’m so sorry. There are so many thoughts running in my head rn. I feel like im ruining something perfect. i mean you and him. I know nothing will change , yall are the end game and i dont want that to change. But the guilt is hittinf me these days. Am i that bad? Am i that selfish? What am i supposed to do? Shouldi stop? I dont want to stop but i dont want to be so selfish. Am i really a homewrecker? fuck

(12:06)

(PLEASE DONT READ THIS IM BEGGING YOU)

Ouch. That stung. Very bad. Ahh i can feel my heart breaking into pieces and im having a breakdown. I feel so so so helpless. I really can't do anything about this. I have no way out now do i? Please universe please please help me please.

I'll do anything. Hold me from breaking apart every time. I should be used to this by now?

Right? It's been so long. It should be normal. But as the days go by i can't take it. I'm breaking so bad. This is why i hate love so much. Only pain and hurt. But do you think i can let go? No. The most dumb and stupid award should be given to me. I hate everything

6:46 (19/8/24)

I want a day where it doesn't hurt me anymore.

But i guess that day will be the day im not in love anymore and I've completely lost feelings. I dont want that.

7:06

I love myself too much. I want to be happy. I will be happy. Me me me me and only me.

Every time i close my eyes her Instagram story flashes ahhh i want amnesia. I want to hid my head somewhere and lose all my 24 years memories. It hurts THAT much. Or maybe I'm over reacting too much. Its prolly the latter lol ok.

But i know its something she can't help too so lol both of us are helpless. Im just opening up here and she's not. Now i need to give my brain some rest. I'll be offline the whole day to heal

7:47