#this would be better in a fic format but my energy is in the negative zones

[the-ace-with-spades]

Someone posted about Jake having a sister who is deaf and uses ASL (I can't find it, sorry) and it woke up the fic idea I had some time ago from hibernation

An AU where shortly after Carole's death, Bradley starts losing his hearing. At first, Mav thinks it's just a lack of focus and him being inside his head too much (which, normal given the mourning/depressive state of Bradley's emotions at the time). But then he and Ice notice it only happens when they're on his right side and start to get worried.

A visit with a family doctor and a visit with an audiologist later, and they find out his hearing loss is expected to progress, they just don't know how far — it can stay mild, it can get worse over the years, or it can get worse quickly. It's probably been happening for some time already, they might have not noticed because so much was happening (which Mav will forever feel guilty about).

Mav and Ice are left to explain all that this implies to Bradley. Mainly that Bradley will never be able to become a pilot with hearing loss, even if it stays mild. And even at thirteen, almost fourteen, all he's always wanted to be was a pilot and they have to break the news to him — even if his hearing doesn't get worse, he won't be able to join the Navy in any deployable role.

Obviously, it doesn't go well. Bradley is in denial, rebelling against anything related to the hearing loss — won't go to the SLT, to the audiologist, won't wear the hearing aids.

Until he starts high school after the summer break and realizes he can't hear the teachers well — not in the front seat, not when the classroom is silent. Turns out, the hearing aids are not enough — he needs a new set up already.

Mav takes out a sabbatical and they start everything from the beginning. New audiologist appointments, new hearing aids, new ASL lessons for the two of them, and some extra ones for Ice as well, lip reading lessons, SLT. Bradley doesn't have a choice, his hearing is getting worse and either he will adapt or his life is going to get difficult — and they're in a good enough situation, financially, and with Mav and Ice caring enough, that he can adapt as much as possible.

By the time he's in junior year, his hearing loss is severe. Their options are either sending Bradley to a boarding school for deaf kids or having him have an interpreter at school. Bradley feels strange about the boarding school so he has an interpreter for the rest of high school — which doesn't get him many friends...

College-wise, he doesn't know what to do. There's a few colleges in California that offer programs with support for deaf students, but the degrees are limited. Eventually, he decides to enroll in the Rochester NTID for aerospace/mechanical engineering and it kinda changes his perspective a lot.

There are other deaf students on campus, some even on his course, and it shows him so many different ways life can be still okay — he's never met anyone deaf his age before and being friends with people who either lost their hearing like him or were born deaf and had been involved in the Deaf community for years is amazing eye-opening. He stops being so bitter about life, even if he'll never stop feeling sad about not realizing his dreams. It teaches him to not care about what others think he is capable or not capable of doing and just do his own thing.

The Institute also has great support, also including the newest hearing aid tech. Cochlear implants only became widely available when he was finishing high school and despite many people celebrating being Deaf on campus, there's many people who also opted to have surgery or implants to help restore or conserve their hearing.

By the time Bradley gets the cochlear implants (funded mostly by Mav and Ice), he's not that set on having them, actually, not as much as he was when he was seventeen and they just came onto the market for kids. In fact, he only wears them for the purpose of work (he gets a civilian contractor job for the US Air Force of all places...) and prefers to have them off when he's at home or around people who know ASL (which is most of their family now). Being deaf is part of him, a part that is bigger and more settled than the part that used to wish he was 'normal'.

He only swaps the implants for a newer model sometime around the early 2010s because they can actually meet the FAA regulations and at the age of twenty-seven, Bradley is finally able to get his pilot license and then a commercial pilot license.

Now the hangster bit...

TG:M happens — Mav is there with the team obviously but Bradley is kinda around him because he's been contracted by the Navy the past few years (kinda like Charlie) and working with Mav in China Lake before.

Bradley shares the office with Mav and they hang around whenever Mav isn't training the Daggers — the whole group is kind of speculating on who he is — and Jake actually meets him once when he's looking for Mav and comes to the office.

He makes an ass out of himself (because this is Jake Sersin we're talking about) and basically shouts at Bradley, who is not wearing his hearing aids at the moment (he's doing paperwork, near the airfield, it's easier to focus if he doesn't hear ever single aircraft taking off) and gets super humbled when Bradley looks at him and only then clicks his very visible external processor on, and then asks him if he needed something.

After the mission, Mav and the Daggers stay close, work and outside as well (trauma bonding, even though Bradley calls them his little ducklings). This means Bradley is around them a lot, too.

Around the Daggers, Bradley wears the cochlear implants almost all the time, just for the sake of being able to be part of the conversation and having a better grip on the background noise and to know what is happening around him.

Now, this is when Jake gets a little... enamored.

Bradley is objectively cool, okay? He's deaf, but he's a commercial pilot and a stunt pilot on the side, he likes to jump out of planes (for research), he volunteers as an ASL interpreter and is certified to interpret. He's hot as well and Jake's brain overheats anytime he answers his half-flirty remarks with the same, if not bigger, force.

And Jake is a bit smitten, but Bradley never really makes a move. He's obviously contemplating making a move himself — Bradley is chill, even if it was a no, he'd not make a big deal out of it — but he's also his CO's kid and the COMPACFLT's kid and like, Jake doesn't wanna be the one to cross the line.

It's Mav who tells him — when he notices him staring at Bradley playing piano (and isn't that super cool? he's deaf and he can play piano better than anyone Jake knows) — that if he wants it, he should go for it because Bradley is too shy to make the first move, ever.

So one evening when they're at a barbecue at Mav's, Jake stays late, basically the only one left, and he is helping Bradley bring the dirty dishes into the kitchen, and Mav leaves them alone (giving him a goddamn wink as he steps out...)

The second Bradley begins with, Look, I'm flattered, he knows he's in a losing position, but tries to negotiate anyway — because he can see Bradley does like him, and for whatever reason, he just needs to point out it's enough and that he can see they have some chemistry and he promises to treat him to a good time if he gives him a chance.

So Bradley tells him how it is — he hasn't dated anyone who isn't deaf/hoh since he was nineteen and he doesn't plan to. Jake is great and he's sure they'd have great chemistry, but he's not the type to do the casual bit and he's pretty sure Jake will never make the effort he needs him to make because he doesn't understand how big part of Bradley being deaf is.

Jake denies it — so Bradley starts signing at him the alphabet (the first thing people learn when they learn ASL usually) and Jake just blinks at him dumbly, proving his point.

Obviously, Jake doesn't get it and says exactly what Bradley expected him to say, Well, I don't really need to know it, you've got the hearing aids.

And to Bradley, it proves that he's either not thinking of them as something long-term or that he just doesn't get what Bradley being deaf means, long-term, for his life. You realize I don't wear them all the time, right? Not at home, not around family, not around most of my friends. Wearing them constantly is exhausting. What will you do when I take them off? Or do you just expect me to never take them off?

Jake goes home and that's it, really.

It's sometime later, a few weeks or a couple of months. Jake's never brought up going on a date again and Bradley made peace with that — he was right and Jake either didn't want to commit or the effort was too big and he's no longer interested in him. Shame, but it's not the first time it happened — mainly why Bradley doesn't date people outside the deaf/hoh community anymore, they don't understand, he's cured or acceptable kind of deaf to them, because of the implants but when they come off — he's deficient.

The Daggers are sitting down with Mav when Bradley comes home and they're in the middle of a conversation and Bradley doesn't want to interrupt Bob so he just asks Mav via signing if he ate dinner already. Before Mav answers, Jake says out loud, We ordered in, leftovers are in the fridge.

And fair enough, Bradley goes to the kitchen and he's unpacking gyro from the plastic container when it hits him — Jake just understood his signing. And like, what the hell.

He doesn't want to make a scene so he waits until Jake is a little bit more alone (not really possible with their group).

When Jake notices him staring, he just goes, Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something on my face?

And Bradley feels a bit stupid, but he signs the same thing he asked Mav before and waits for some kind of answer and Jake just says, Shit, and gets all red in the face.

So Bradley just starts signing. How long, why didn't tell me, what the hell, and all that. Because why didn't Jake told him he could understand, that he knows ASL?

And Jake just stares at him. You're going way too fast, I'm not that good at it yet

And Bradley stops and stares at him dumbly. Yet?

Sheepishly, Jake's face gets even redder, and he's avoiding Bradley's gaze as he says, I was gonna tell you once I can actually communicate and not just know a few words and phrases.

You know it's going to take months, right? I took me months and I was learning for hours every day and practicing with my dad all the time.

Well, I assumed you meant I need to know it if I want to take you out so, y'know...

And Bradley just looks at this dumb dumb man and just maybe falls in love a little bit. You don't need to be fluent in a whole new language to date me, just acknowledging you'll have to at least try is enough.

It's actually more than enough. Maybe Bradley is a bit fond of Jake, sue him, but it's more than enough to give him a chance.

Oh, is all Jake says, okay then.

And Jake clears his throat, steps a little bit away and takes a minute to revise in his head, and then signs,

DATE-YOU-WANT-GO-WITH-ME

It's a little clumsy and a bit slow, but Bradley takes his time to slow down and just signs YES in reply

[larothoughts]

anti-ship adjacent ships: liujiu and qijiu

so there's this weird thing that's happening in svsss of all fandoms that reminds me a lot of voltron's klance and sheith fiasco AKA the formation of what i like to call anti-ship adjacent ships

basically, when someone's favorite ship is more indicative of them being an anti-shipper of another ship.

i've had to start excluding liujiu in my ao3 searches because more often than not, the fics that come up are yqy-bashing and what?? this is svsss, right? mxtx's trashiest, most problematic, harem-bicycle-shen-yuan svsss? what is this moral outrage doing in my degenerate danmei fic space, and why are you mischaracterizing yqy just to make an excuse to hate on him??

i've had a few thoughts on the rising dichotomy of shen jiu sympathizers both validating sj's bad behavior and hating yqy for enabling the same behavior. and then shipping him with lqg because liujiu is 'less toxic.' As an old lady fanfic reader who's trawled through all the godforsaken dead dove ships of the old livejournal kink_meme, i'm writing these out because making sense of things helps me cope and i am too old for this shit

(this is actually more 'why anti-qijiu' word vomit than liujiu specific--it just so happens that so many liujiu fics are bizarrely anti-qijiu.)

narrative reasons for anti-yqy liujiu fic:

aka why an author finds it easier for the plot to bash qi-ge

accepting either romantic or platonic qijiu means trying to fix qijiu. this is hard. yqy and sj already have a proven history of failure, while sj and lqg (aka author's ideal white-knight love interest) would be the perfect do-over. making yqy a clear abusive villain sj must cut off ties with 'for his mental health' solves the problem without having to fix things. it frees the author to write what they thought qi-ge should have done to 'save shen jiu right.'

on the same note, liujiu have nearly no canon crumbs. the author can write them however they want without being constrained by their canon relationship.

why lqg over other possible ships? other than yqy, lqg is one of the few characters with any sort of previous relationship with sj. lqg is canonically hot, has strong (even if negative) feelings towards sj, and has no textual or subtextual canon ship (beyond a one-sided crush on shen yuan, with lbh getting in his way lol.) he is also the same generation as sj and thus avoids any age gap squicks like with sj's other ship partners (looking at you tlj)

yqy is the only person in cang qiong with higher authority than shen jiu. while other peak lords are antagonistic, all are ranked lower and can't get in liujiu's way the same way as yqy can as a sect leader. not even the old palace master has the same power because he's the head of a different sect. so if you really want to write a villain abusing their (implicit) power over shen jiu, yqy is the only one that fits the bill.

lbh, as sj's disciple, does not fit the same abuse of power trope even if he becomes an op demon lord. as for bingjiu, lbh's brand of diabolical stalkerish yandere is so over-the-top it's hard to equate him to any real relationship. it's easier to twist yqy's passivity to villainy because it's closer to reasonable human behavior.

if one is coming from the tgcf fandom, yue qingyuan is the closest junwu-adjacent character in terms of personality and rank (on the surface.) so it's easy to transfer any junwu hate to yqy by giving him all of junwu's worst traits and making him 'junwu-lite'

same thing as above but with mdzs and the lan xichen hate for his inaction regarding his own little meowmeow (jgy).

personal author-reasons for anti-yqy liujiu fic:

aka when the character himself doesn't matter

let's get a silly one out of the way: maybe the author only headcanons top shen jiu and most qijiu has sj being a bottom. lqg gives off better hot twinky bottom energy than submissive-but-still-tops yqy. this does not explain the anti-shipping though.

less silly: an author is projecting either themselves or other people in their real life onto their fic, and changing the character's personalities to match their real life projected counterparts (even if ooc). sj is a clear abuse-survivor insert, which shoe-horns other characters into roles that real people in the author's lives have. i think yqy is often seen as the insert for someone who 'could have helped but didn't.' there are many valid reasons why someone would be more mad at the person who averted their gaze rather than their actual abuser, but that doesn't change the fact that qijiu's relationship in canon is so much more complicated.

(it's easier to hate enablers instead of abusers, because hating abusers and inviting confrontation is dangerous. most of the time, enablers won't hurt you directly. they are the safer person to hate.)

an author thinks they could have saved sj better, that qi-ge had more than enough time to fix things and his failure not to do so must be punished by taking away his sj-simp-card and throwing him into the villain bin. this is similar to the phenomenon where an author hates the wife of canon anime couples b/c the author could clearly wife him better. and then writes a fic bashing said wife.

an author sees a messy relationship and equates messy with abusive. in reality many relationships can be messy but not abusive, messy but still fixable, but due to their personal experiences they see any attempt to do so as toxic. in this scenario yqy is often the abuser-insert and his ooc characterization takes after the author's own abuser.

specifically in fics where lqg has the personality of a cardboard cut-out: using liujiu to tell others they are still pro-ship, when in reality they dislike qijiu for their own reasons (and can't help but write it in their fic). it really reminds me of middle school lol like kids trying to find their identity by hating another identity. the whole 'ew pink is overrated, i hate preps which means i must be a nerdy rebel' and then two years later you realize you're not a nerdy rebel after all, you just based your entire identity on what you thought was the opposite of what you hated.

why i try not to read anti-qijiu liujiu fics:

aka write whatever you want, but sometimes i have to choose not to read

authors can write whatever they want. we're all doing this for free, so it's expected that a lot of fanfic have venting and some self-imposing onto a fictional character. i don't expect authors to NOT put themselves in their fic in some way. at the same time, however, i hope authors are self-aware enough to not bash another character just because that character reminds them of someone irl.

aka i get uncomfortable when i read a fic that has an author's obvious real-person insert. i'm not reading svsss fic anymore, i'm reading the author's version of punishing their abuser using fiction. i love transformative media that adds onto the canon! i love different interpretations even! but i'm here to read svsss? where are the svsss characters??

i'm not into character-bashing in general. i think the point of svsss and all of bingqiu's misunderstandings is the fact that good/evil is not a binary. sy spent the whole series fearing the 'evil' binghe despite the fact that post-abyss binghe was a complex person, causing a chain reaction of disaster. hell, shen jiu is the king of gray characters! he is a scum villain, evil and misunderstood, to be a sj-fan means to understand that no one is entirely good or evil. so it's even more cognitively dissonant when a pro-sj fic is so categorically anti-qijiu, as this often paints sj as good/misunderstood and yqy as bad.

(the only character-bashing i don't care about is the old palace master mxtx clearly wrote him to be bashed so throw him in a fire)

i don't mind liujiu actually, i think the dynamic has potential (see all the sj harem fic i've read lol) but qi-ge is such a big part of sj's character that vilifying/getting rid of him does sj a disservice too? sj has a shit ton of bad coping mechanisms, these aren't going to be magically fixed if yqy gets his limbs chopped off as 'just punishment' (??) for not stopping sj from abusing his own students (????)

in conclusion

there is no point to this rambling, and you don't need to agree with me on anything. these are just thoughts i had when trying to figure out why anti-ship adjacent ships even exist. the moral outrage is giving me war flashbacks of anti-sheith klance fans using their age gap as justification for their own ship, rather than liking klance for... being klance.

(I briefly considered going over all liujiu vs qijiu morality arguments, but if you're an sj fan i feel like morality arguments are pointless. he is an angry feral scum kitten who hits kids, no sj-fan has the moral high ground here.)

it's always unfortunate to see so much anti-shipping spilling into fandom, since by default most of us are living in the fringe minority anyway. further dividing us is just going to sink the whole ocean ala the death of livejournal and chinese ban on ao3. there's no point in ships if there ain't an ocean to sail in! aren't we all here because we are fans of these stories???

bonus

to make up for what must feel like a huge anti liujiu wall of text, here are some of my general thoughts on how their relationship would work. i'm more familiar with sj so most of these are from his pov.

while sj often has schemes upon schemes upon schemes, when it comes to anger/criticism/negativity, he's scathingly honest. lqg, a fellow honest asshole, is often on the same wavelength. once misunderstandings are cleared up and lqg realizes sj will do whatever it takes to protect big bro yqy (and thus the sect), they're able to work together as a ruthless team against cang qiong's enemies.

let's also assume fixing sj's emotional issues stops him from the worst of his scumminess aka whipping his disciples half to death.

teamwork -> enemies to lovers -> only one bed trope???

sj needs someone who will overtly believe in his goodness, and lqg, once he realizes the mistakes in his assumptions, is a loyal wall of support. unlike qi-ge who must always play diplomat, lqg blazes over all social cues. who cares if this looks bad on cang qiong, he'll throw down with anyone if his boo is insulted.

lqg is upfront and honest. there are no hidden plots for sj to be paranoid about in lqg, he's a Good Man through-and-through. if lqg has problems, he'll tell him. if he needs to apologize and sj tells him why, he'll do so. and if sj asks him a question, he'll always do his best to answer.

while lqg knows sj has trauma and a dark past, he will never truly understand what it was like. and that's exactly what sj wants. he likes how lqg knows him more as he is now in the present vs. someone who has lived through the same past. being with him is a reminder that he is now a powerful peak lord, not the starving street rat he once was.

for lqg, sj is like a complex puzzle box. an enigma so outside of his understanding of how the world works, he can't help but be drawn to it. he used to equate scheming with evil, but once he realizes much of sj's scheming was for the good of the sect, he lets himself be impressed by sj's intelligence. the fact that sj became a peak lord from nothing shows a certain type of strength-- and lqg has always appreciated strength.

a big roadblock in their relationship was sj's antagonism towards yqy (their sect leader whom lqg respects.) once qijiu reconcile (or sj stops being so disrespectful to yqy in public) lqg is better able to see him as an ally vs. an enemy.

sj rewards this loyalty by taking care of lqg's hidden enemies, because straightforward brutes are especially susceptible to devious snakes like that. sj would know. whether or not he tells lqg can go either way. he tells lqg if only to stop lqg from hearing it elsewhere and assuming the worst; or he doesn't tell lqg because he knows lqg trusts him and confusing his mind with schemes would just make him grumpy for not understanding.

...even if he's cute when he's grumpy.

[aewinning]

@bittermachine sent the deep fic writer asks list to me in Discord and asked a whole bunch of them. I figured I'd go ahead and post my answers on tumblr in case anyone else was interested! And of course anyone is free to ask more from the list as well.

6. what's the hardest part of the writing process for you?

Getting out a first draft. Once that's there the revision and editing process is a breeze, even if involved. But actually getting words down is sometimes an extremely painful task.

7. how does receiving or not receiving feedback/support impact you?

If I don't receive feedback or support I'll drift along from project to project when my brain decides it's ready to write something. If people vocally support something I've written and say they want more, that tends to get me thinking about what 'more' would look like and sort of guide my interest that way for my next projects.

9. what's your writing process like?

Sit at computer, open Scrivener (which I have customized to look like the AO3 theme I read in, Reversi), open a cherry Bing energy drink, and start writing. From there I tend to have two modes: distracted, where I can't focus for shit and end up tabbing out often to scroll tumblr or twitter so I don't feel like exploding when the words won't come, or hyperfocused, where I'll sit down and write literally all night or until the fic draft is finished. There is no in-between for me.

10. how has writing positively impacted your mental health or overall mood?

I've used it to vent heavy feelings before back when I was writing for the Homestuck fandom, but it's also helped me find a fair few friends I wouldn't have found otherwise. It's a good hobby for connecting with people.

12. What’s your perfect environment to create/write?

Cool but not cold, quiet or with instrumental music that fits the vibe and doesn't distract me, no strong smells unless they're sweet (I'm very sensitive to smells), a dim or dark room, a second screen for research, an ergonomic keyboard and a comfy chair, nobody else around, and an endless supply of Bing energy drinks.

Yes, it specifically has to be Bings. I hate the taste of most energy drinks and tea and coffee but the original cherry Bings are a delightful way to perk me up and help me focus. They're also just part of the routine at this point - I think I pavlov'd myself into only being able to write with them or something, back in my Homestuck days. Something else cold and carbonated can at least help me focus in a pinch if I don't have Bings though - it's really the cold bite and the carbonation that help me more than the caffeine.

13. Do you take pride in your writing, or does it embarrass you? Why?

Pride, of course. Not in the sense that I think I'm better than anybody else, but why would I spend the time creating and sharing something I wasn't happy with? Also I have no shame. Live life free of cringe and judgment.

14. Do you compare yourself to other writers? In a positive or negative way?

Sometimes, and usually in what I guess would be a negative way. Either "wow they write so much, how do they do that?" or "wow, this is so good, I wish I could be that good/write like this." But then at other times I'll come across fic that's wildly ooc or has terrible grammar/spelling/formatting and I'll be like "but at least I'm not *this* bad" and click back out lmao. So it probably balances out.

Occasionally I'll see a fic that's just terrible or has a concept I don't vibe with that has more views/kudos/whatever than mine but in that scenario I tend to just lament for the state of fandom nowadays (old man shakes fist at cloud meme: "so this dreck is what's popular nowadays!?") But I'm aware comparing yourself to others is a bad habit so I try not to do it in either direction, it just manages to sneak through sometimes anyways.

17. What’s the best engagement/interaction/feedback you’ve received from someone who’s read your work?

Hard question but probably the fact that a few of the people that subscribed to me back during my Homestuck years read my Genshin fic even if they don't play Genshin. I personally don't tend to read fic without the context of the series because the interest just isn't there for me, so it's a huge compliment to me that someone would like my writing enough to stick with me through a fandom change.

18. Do you only write when you’re inspired, or do you try and sit down at specific times and write no matter what?

I usually only write when inspired because it's like pulling teeth otherwise, and not worth the time and frustration. It's a hobby, not an obligation. But by 'inspired' I really mean 'focused' because there are plenty of times where I have inspiration but I'm running up against a mental wall when I try to write.

I've been having this issue recently trying to write Foul Eggacy 3 - the whole thing is plotted and outlined, I have 2.5 scenes written, but for the past few weeks every time I sit down to try to write I only get a few paragraphs written even if I sit all night because I just can't focus and the words won't come easily. I'm trying to push myself more than I usually would on this one because I'd like to release it before Baizhu's release in 3.6, but I won't force it. I'm only going to release it before then if it's done and I'm satisfied with it. I want to get it right the first time.

19. If you could write an ideal fic, what would it include?

I don't really think there's such a thing as an 'ideal' fic but. I guess the dream would be to someday be able to write a longfic of people falling for each other convincingly, with good pacing, a believable scenario, and the hottest fucknasty sex as a payoff for sticking with it. It doesn't have to have much in the way of 'plot' as long as the character and relationship development is good.

I'm just not great at longfic because of my focus and memory issues; I often have to reread what I've already written even in a one-shot fic if it gets too long, to make sure dialogue and tone stays similar throughout a fic and I didn't forget anything. Something like the Foul Eggacy series is already pushing my boundaries since I have an entire AU constructed for it, so I've had to reread the first two fics multiple times while outlining/writing 3 to remind myself what I've already revealed to readers, catch the foreshadowing I dropped, etc. And of course lots of note-checking! But the bigger the work or series, the harder it gets. I have massive respect for people that write good longfic because of my own difficulties with it.

20. What’s the greatest gift you’ve gotten from your writing?

Friends and a degree of confidence! I've met a *lot* of people over the years through my writing, people that came to follow me on tumblr after reading my fic or talking to me in comments, some of who ended up being good enough friends that we talk regularly on Discord.

As for the confidence, I certainly can't say writing fic has 'fixed' my confidence issues, but getting even a kudos, much less a nice comment or a reblog/retweet/rec of my work, really boosts my mood. And it's nice to feel like putting fic out there is giving back to fandoms that pull me through tough times. Like yeah, I'm sure there are plenty of writers I'll never be as good as - but that's fine. As long as I'm putting a net positive into the world with my fics, helping someone get through a bad day by reading about their fave being wrung dry, that's enough for me.

[marginaletchings]

Going to be that asshole and say that this is correct

AND

It is important to remember the impact media has, whether it’s an “original” licensed property or a derivative fanwork or an unpublished novel.

Authors do have a responsibility to at least understand/consider the impact their messaging might have. There is power in art and that is why so many seek to take that power away from people.

It would be dreadfully irresponsible to write a story romanticising abuse and not consider the impact it might have on the audience. Like, yes, it isn’t on a creator to teach someone morality/ethics, and Death of the Author is a thing. It’s not like we’re going to blame George Orwell for CCTV, for example, that would be stupid.

I’m talking about things like shows/films/books perpetuating harmful cultural mindsets and fandoms being unwilling to self examine and create safe spaces for civil discourse to help fans process those less than stellar messages. No, it is certainly NOT on the creator(s) to police the fandom, so no one come at me about that because that isn’t what I’m suggesting.

What I’m getting at is that the “relationship” between audiences and media is so fucked up and going forward we ALL need to consider at least three things when we consume and/or create media:

1. What message is the narrative actually trying to express? Why do I feel this is the case?

2. If this media reaches other audiences, how might it affect them (or not), positively and negatively?

3. It’s fiction, and is not real. But no media exists in a vacuum, and all media comes with the context of the time in which it’s created. What can be done to avoid perpetuating harmful cultural cycles?

Again, I fully understand—especially as a creator in multiple media formats—the burden of critical thinking is not solely on creators. I also feel it’s extremely naive to think we shouldn’t also consider the impact we have as creators on our audiences.

The flip is there is an astounding lack of media literacy, even and especially among older fandom members. We need to start setting better examples as fans and as creators when engaging in discourse because God knows society won’t provide us with the tools to work through the barrage of messages that hits us every single day.

Does that mean “don’t write your gratuitious toxic smut fic”? Fuck no. That shit is lit. Just slap the content warnings on it. And also try to impress on others the importance of curating one’s online experience and stop with the bad faith arguments.

For the rest of you, that means learning to curate your online experience. I have numerous trauma related PTSD triggers, I am visually impaired, I have dyslexia, and physically/emotionally crippling severe depression:

- Am I going to get on someone’s case for saying “X, y, and z crippled the country’s economy”? Fuck no. Because I clearly understand that term isn’t being used about a human being or in a derogatory manner.

- Am I going to spam someone’s inbox with hate and try to get them cancelled because they have refused to update their blog layout into something I can actually read? No! Doing that needlessly makes an enemy out of someone and frankly, them being an asshole fucking sucks, but spreading drama is only going to stress people out, and I don’t have the time or energy to smear someone for not updating their personal blog that I don’t even have to visit in the first place.

- Am I going to out someone’s abuses, with actual evidence, for actively being harmful (ie actual abuse of others) to the community? Yes, actually, but I’m going to gather my shit together and sleep on it and run it by people I trust first so I can protect myself. And I certainly will ask other victims whether they want to be involved or not first.

Y’all need to understand that people asking you to try to take personal responsibility is not ableist and is not a personal attack or an insult. And we could all do very well to learn how to have a little more grace with one another instead of going off half-cocked at the keyboard at every opportunity.

To tie this all back into media consumption: Writing/drawing mindless schlock is okay. Enjoying “problematic” media is okay. But you still need to learn to be critical of media, good and bad, licensed and unlicensed, original and derivative. And you also need to understand that your own creations are not isolated in a vacuum; and that other people’s work may romanticize abuse or fascism but that doesn’t automatically make them a fucking fascistic abuser.

TL;DR; It wouldn’t hurt us all to be a little more mindful of how we consume media and how we treat each other when we share that experience.

Writing about a child rapist did not make Vladimir Nabokov a child rapist.

Writing about an authoritarian theocracy did not make Margaret Atwood an authoritarian theocrat.

Writing about adultery did not make Leo Tolstoy an adulterer.

Writing about a ghost did not make Toni Morrison a ghost.

Writing about a murderer did not make Fyodor Dostoevsky a murderer.

Writing about a teenage addict did not make Isabel Allende a teenage addict.

Writing about dragons and ice zombies did not make George R.R. Martin either of those things.

Writing about rich heiresses, socially awkward bachelors, and cougar widows did not make Jane Austen any of those things.

Writing about people who can control earthquakes did not make N.K. Jemisin able to control earthquakes.

Writing about your favorite characters and/or ships in situations that you choose does not make you a bad person.

It’s a shame that in this day and age these things need to be said.

[mallowstep]

Just out of curiosity what’s your opinion on leopardstar and blackstar?

leopardstar

have i mentioned how much i hate the new ask editor? i had to manually debold the text thrice. this text is here to make sure that everything is formatted correctly. and again, i had to click to create the bullets that's fucked up

anyway

reading crookedstar's promise and discovering i was right, she is hella spoiled, was very satisfying

also, okay, she's such a well written character. like, in a shadow in riverclan. it's just. so good.

i could go on a very long tangent here but in summary, we see a lot of really good characterization and i'd actually argue a shadow in riverclan sets up mistystar's isolationism.

(altho the fact that we don't have any riverclan pov is criminal i want to know what's happening erin)

okay anyway, that said, i'm really excited for her super edition. i would have preferred a blackstar super edition and leopardstar novella, but i'm really, really excited for it

crookedstar's promise was so good and i really hope leopardstar's honor carries the riverclan energy

but okay, the biggest leopardstar thing ever: is she a lesbian? and what's the deal with tigerclaw? (n.b. i've made the decision to refer to them as tigerclaw and tigerheart unless i need to call them tigerstar to avoid confusion.)

so. tigerclaw first. i...don't know. i think she was drawn to him in some way, definitely. but i think it was a combination of pride and fear that kept tigerclan going for so long

and like i said before, a shadow in riverclan really sold me on her

i would've said i had 0 thoughts on her if i hadn't read it

i wish we had more riverclan pov tbh because there's so much drama and intrigue. every leader since hailstar has been an interesting, nuanced, and complex character, and we've barely gotten to see any of it

that said, i...actually kind of like the super edition development of riverclan

like, i think leopardstar is better suited to a super edition, over main arc development, because it will give us the time we need to really sit with her emotions

the alternative would be to cut down the pov across books, and while i'm happy to see we've started to cut down, i doubt we'll ever get six books with just one pov

but i digress; my point is, i like the super edition model for riverclan because when you force a book to be one clan, one character, you have to develop an interesting and rich world for them.

now, am i possibly setting myself up to be disappointed? yes. super editions are wildly hit or miss, and i don't know what their current quality is like because:

i refuse to read crowfeather's trial (even if it has ashfoot)

squilf's hope contained only the sisters. nothing else. that's all. otherwise her desire to save bramblestar would make 0 sense, so it contained only and exclusively the sisters.

i have a weird mandela effect where my brain tells me greystripe's vow came out in 2011. precisely 2011.

anyway, i'm very off topic, i'm just really hoping leopardstar's honor is good because i really, really want it to be

(otherwise i'm just going to have to write a long leopardstar fic)

(i might anyway when i was writing the bone pile scenes in "where the spirit meets the bones" i got ideas)

okay, uh, moving on

blackstar

boy they sure did him dirty

don't get me wrong, blackfoot's reckoning made me cry, just a lil.

i don't usually like the novellas: hollyleaf's story was good, and there are occasional really good ones, but for the most part, i find them disappointing

i still haven't recovered from the 5d10 psychic damage and 3 levels of exhaustion that reading leafpool's wish gave me

but i digress, blackstar

uh...i think he's interesting, but i don't have a ton of thoughts

i know i said i would have preferred a super edition, and it's kind of because...he has a lot of potential?

seeing his guilt is really good. (erins take notes: leaders with no problems/fake problems = bad. leaders with deep character flaws that have negative externalities = good.)

anyway, seeing his struggle to restore shadowclan, especially with the knowledge that he will ultimately fail, is really good

i kind of have this theory that shadowclan was never a "villain" clan. like, it's a new thing. because, well, cats like the shadows. they belong in them.

and blackstar's struggle, just, mm. good shit.

as a character...i don't know.

ultimately, i think he's just. he's a character that deserves development, but i don't really know where to take it

except, uh, why the fuck does his mother name him blackkit? like? what??

and also; what happened to all the foot names? there was a time when we had three out of four deputies with foot (deadfoot, mistyfoot, and blackfoot), and just. uh. are we ever going to get another -foot?

(before anyone @'s me a

[strawberryybird]

a handy basic compliment builder

IDK about y’all but i’ve been reading 20x the fic I was a month ago, mostly at 2am when i can’t sleep and i’m holding my phone on a 45° angle to keep the screen from turning. and because i’m reading ungodly amounts of fic after the sun sets, I forget to comment, and I like being able to comment coherent compliments. So! I made a comment builder. 

I struggle for 85 reasons in a trench coat to comment on fics - it’s something i find really hard! genuinely really hard! One of the pertinent reasons being I’m dyslexic, and I can read a fic, love it, and then read other comments and realise I’ve accidentally read a very different version of the fic than they all did. So I keep my comments short, vague in my love and specific in what i love, and overtly positive! This isn’t a rigid structure to be followed at all times! This is my own personal style, that I thought I would share! by all means, adapt it to your own style! :)

Welcome to my ‘Victoria Sponge Compliment’ method! It, like a victoria sponge cake, has 4 main parts: ‘Adjective of Positivity’, ‘Favourite Thing’, ‘Why I Liked That Thing’, and ‘Thank you’. 

(I write this to be fic-commenting specific, but replace the some of the language like ‘dialogue’ to ‘colour choice’ and you’ve got yourself a handy-dandy art compliment method too!)

1. The Cake: Adjective of Positivity: what adjective will I use to encapsulate the likely emotional roller-coaster the fic sent me on? With longfic, angst and assorted serious topics, I tend to stick to more formal adjectives, but with comedy, I end up leaning more towards informal words. but that’s a me problem. here’s a handy list:

great, amazing, brilliant, fantastic, ‘so so good’, awesome, ‘my heart can’t take it!’ excellent, ‘every second was enjoyable’, delightful, enchanting, ‘OH the Emotions! I loved it!’

The point of this isn’t to reduce the amount of love you feel, it’s really just to start off the comment in a really positive way. I’ve read some old exchanged between reader and author where the reader doesn’t actually say they Liked the fic until halfway down a comment chain! so i like to be upfront with my love! 

2. The Jam: A Favourite Thing: character/quote/scene/emotion provoked

You liked all of it? absolutely say so in as many iterations as you please! You liked a couple of things really strongly? Pick them out and say so! the author probably loved writing them!

Maybe it’s a poignant quote that made you stand up and walk around the house before opening back up the fic? the way Ferdinand’s speech was phrased just so perfectly? the way the mutual pining unraveled like string? the part where you laughed harder than you have all day? The hilarious 2 lines of dialogue you’ve been repeating to yourself for the last week?

i like to just pick the one thing at first, quantify it, and compliment it. that leads the way to add More Awesome Things i liked in the fic!!

3. The Cream: say WHY you liked it!!

now this is the part I struggle with most! because there’s so much to say! So I go as specific as I can:  Rather than comment on Everything in the fic, I say why I liked The Jam^ above. Pick the one thing, and go from there.

Maybe it fell completely in line with how you see Ferdinand’s character, and you loved seeing your interpretation corroborated in the author’s work? Maybe the mutual pining made it really entertaining? Maybe it shone new light on characters for you, and now you love them dearly? Maybe the humour was top notch and you laughed the most you have in a week, or maybe the angst was exactly what you needed to read that day?

Maybe the descriptions of the settings were so visceral? Maybe you loved the detail, it made it feel so real? Maybe you discovered a new format, or structure, and you loved how unique it was? Maybe you liked the references to classical works? Maybe you loved the humourous narrative voice? 

Was the yearning tangible? Did your heart skip a metaphorical beat? Did you shed a tear? Was it cathartic? Did it bring you joy? Did it brighten your day? Did you accidentally spend your evening reading the whole thing, and now suddenly it’s 3am and you didn’t mean to cry about fictional people, but here you are?? (a mood), those emotions it made you feel – that’s worth saying!

My approach to this part tends to end up being about ‘This made me Feel Emotions and i Loved that.’ and that’s fine! 

4. Cake Again: say thank you!! :)

‘Thank you for sharing your work’, ‘i’m so glad i got to read this today’, ‘this was so much fun to read, thank you!’, ‘thank you so so much op!!’, ‘brilliant way to spend my afternoon!’ ‘your work brightened my day!’ ‘this made me so happy to read! thank you!’

you can indeed add a note about future work! I tend to favour things like: ‘thank you for all the work so far, looking forward to seeing what happens next!’, “i’m so invested in this fic lmao, see you in the next chapter!’ or something else if the author doesn’t explicitly say ‘don’t ask me for updates’. I want to be extra-polite about it, and emphasis how much I liked the work that exists already!

But this doesn’t include con-crit, or have any space to give negative or constructive feedback! why? Now that’s a whole separate post. In brief, I don’t like to give con-crit when it isn’t explicitly asked for. there’s many posts out there debating this exact thing, and this isn’t a post about that. this is for building simple, basic compliments. You’ll also notice that it’s all positive feedback. That’s because I don’t comment on fic I don’t like.. that’s not exactly the energy I want to have in the world. use this victoria sponge metaphor for good, ya know?

You’ll notice this is incredibly basic, and something more akin to the essay paragraph structure my teachers spent 3 years battling to get me to write with. That’s both correct and intentional. This is the best balance I’ve been able to strike between coming off heartfelt and genuine, and short enough that I can write and send it in less than 120 seconds before my fear and lack of energy get the better of me. There’s nothing wrong with ‘I loved this, thank you!’, but sometimes I want to brave the fear of commenting and, overall, say thank you. That’s what it all comes down to because, as a writer, someone telling me how many emotions my work gave them is an indescribably wonderful feeling. and I want to share that joy! and also I really wanted to use a cake metaphor.

Finally, if you’re unfamiliar, the Long Live Feedback project on tumblr is an Excellent resource, and I encourage everyone to poke around and have a look at the wonderful work they do! also the blog ao3commentoftheday is an excellent blog who discusses comments, commenting convention, and all round fic writing!

Happy Commenting, enjoy the cake, and thanks for reading!

[adashofstarshine]

Where’s the Fic? (Sort of a ToTS Update.)

Hi! It’s 4:30am, and far too warm. Which seems like a good time to write an update concerning the current state of me trying to write fanfiction. This will probably get long and rambly, but sometimes it’s nice just to get all the thoughts out there. I’ll try and format it nicely into categories. So let’s start with the big one.

Why hasn’t there been any new ToTS or Other Fic recently?

There are a few reasons. The first and foremost being, with life currently being very stressful, it’s hard to focus my time and energy on fanfiction. Unfortunately fanfic isn’t finding me a new job or sorting my health out, so its a bit low on the list of priorities. However, it isn’t just a matter of not having the time.  If that was it, I’d schedule my time between work/place, job hunting/fic. Unfortunately there’s a deeper problem at hand.

How do you fire a rocket without any fuel?

I started writing ToTS in March of 2019: fresh off the hype of rereading all the Ixalan stories, ready for the great thing that was supposed to be War of the Spark. In those days I was managing multiple chapters a week. MTG lore, being a Vorthos, was exciting. We’d had some amazing story-telling, we were still naively optimistic about Gruulfriends, we had that coffee and a book date ahead of us that Ixalan promised. 

So I zoomed ahead like the rocket metaphor I’m trying here. And hundreds of thousands of words come easily when you’re fuelled by passion for what you’re writing about. I scoured canon story to check my every detail. I drew diagrams and timelines and planned foreshadowing months in advance. Luckily I still have those plans, because otherwise that rocket would be drifting aimlessly and achieving nothing.

So here we are now, August 2020. The War of the Spark novel, I specially ordered in early from the US, butchered my favourite character. I never read the sequel. I don’t intend to.   For a while the fuel that propelled my fic wasn’t passion, it was rage. Rage that these stories and characters that meant so much to me were being treated like this. Rage that it had all unfolded like this. Rage that told me I could and would do better. And it worked. Chapters kept coming. It was negative and made me hate the thing I once loved, but it got fic out my mind and onto AO3.

And yet, these days it feels like the fuel tank has run dry.  Being a Vorthos is being eternally disappointed by meagre offerings, inconsistency and any enthusiasm is mostly kept alive by fans wanting it to be better. And at times, I still think I’m one of those fans.   But the rest of the time, I can’t help but feel cold indifference. Not rage, certainly not passion, just a cold sense of ‘do I have to keep doing this?’ Do I have to keep delivering something that no longer gives me joy? What will happen if I do stop? I don’t think I can.

I can’t quit Magic

I’m not just talking about my hideously expensive Modern deck, the half-completed commander decks, the horrendous amount of money I spent making cosplays, all of those are material, they can be sold or trashed. I can’t quit MTG because, to put things simply, I would get lonely.

It’s called Magic the Gathering for a reason. And I’ve met many wonderful people by being part of the MTG community on tumblr. By producing fanfiction that got people talking to me. Fanfiction has let me interact with so many people I’d never have got to talk to. Not only does it provide a source of positive feedback and validation amidst the stress of life, but it has also led me to so many people I now consider friends - both offline and online.  

With very little chance to play anymore (having burnt out of Arena), my interaction with the MTG community is through creating content a.k.a fic. If I stop creating, would anyone ever interact with me again? If there was no more ToTS, would anyone ever talk to me again? These may seem like stupid questions, but hey, I have them. I’m not a talented enough artist to keep people around that way. It’s also very clear that people prefer fanwork to original work, so me drawing my OCs would likely turn everyone away.  I am still drawing and writing, but it’s about original things. The closest thing to mtg fic I’ve written recently is about Niki - my MTG OC. If I quit MTG, would have to leave the discord that inspired me to create him through D&D? 

But Dash, you may think. Why don’t you just get another hobby? If it was that easy my unruly ADHD brain would’ve let me already. However my hobbies - drawing, writing, cosplay, crafts, D&D, have all centred around this one fandom. Then why don’t you find a new fandom? You’ve had others in the past.  I tried, but nothing has stuck and quite so firmly lodged itself into my brain. I am hyperfixated, there’s no escaping it. I can’t pick up another fandom because there’s no room.  Besides, if I found a new fandom, would I lose all the friends I made in this one?

Is there a solution to this? Will there be any fic in the near-future?

Honestly, I don’t know. I have half a chapter of ToTS written. I’m considering wrapping up the current scene and just post a slightly smaller chapter than usual. I’m also considering putting all my fic on a hiatus until that fuel comes back - be it passion or rage.  I’m also considering ending ToTS after War of the Spark wraps up, despite all the fun and original things that are meant to happen after. I want to complete it. However the more I force myself, the more I will hate every moment of it.

As for any content for the future - I want to create a comic for Niki with a new take on his backstory. It’ll be slow progress and probably not as high quality as my writing. However creating stuff with original characters is much more fun for me than forcing fanfiction right now. (Even if they exist within an MTG setting.)

I might create some more MTG cats. I might even get back to those lingerie pictures but for now, I’m at the whim of my mood and what energy I have left. Will that energy produce a cat or a comic page? I don’t really know until it happens. 

[masquerade-reimagined]

Today, a crazy-ass, extra-garbage post from a fanfic reader tumbled onto my feed. I don’t know the person who wrote it. I’ve never interacted with them, I doubt very much they’ve seen anything I’ve written, and I don’t really want to reblog the post and give it more traction (even if most of what I’ve seen related to it is people calling out the OP’s ridiculous behavior). The gist of its content was the assumption that, as a fan fiction reader, OP was entitled to the fanfic they wanted when they wanted it, and anything that wasn’t done in a timely manner or featured pairings OP didn’t like was not to be tolerated.

Now, I haven’t been doing this for very long, so I don’t have a ton of readers. My fic is an edit, a re-write, and the format I’ve selected for it means each chapter is lengthy (it’s long af, guys). It takes me a long time to get each post to the standard I would like it to be, and I’m not opposed to editing a previously posted installment if I think it needs to be reworked in some way. My stuff isn’t for everyone -- whose is?

That being said, the outpouring of support and generosity that I’ve seen from my little cluster of readers is astounding. I cannot even fathom a person like the OP of the aforementioned nonsense existing in this community because of how amazing the people I’ve come across have been. Maybe I’ve been lucky. There are people in this fandom (here and on other platforms) I’ve connected with in ways that feel like I’ve known them for years instead of only weeks. (Huh. Maybe that’s what we’re supposed to think happened when an LI professes love for the MC 30 seconds after meeting him/her.)

Maybe it’s because the fanbase for the original book my fic is based on is so much smaller and largely less contentiously split between LIs. There are, like, 25 of us. And we all know Kayden is the superior LI. 😉 (I’m just kidding. The more I’m in Hunter’s brain, the better I understand why people would choose them, even if I regretted it after 1.5 chapters.)

Maybe it’s because the people who don’t like what I’ve done just haven’t felt the need to tell me they don’t like it. Which they’re welcome to do. Feedback is the only way I know something is working because I sure as hell don’t read my own stuff once I’m done with it, so I have no idea what it’s like.

Whatever the reason is, to the authors who get harassed by impatient readers or readers who give you shit because they’re bigots don’t like the choices you’ve made, I’m sorry you have such negative energy in your personal space. You don’t deserve that. You shouldn’t have to deal with it. But these are your stories; they’re your versions to tell, so keep telling them. Do it for yourself, if you need to, but don’t stop.

To the people who feel the same way as whatever-the-hell-their-name-was, the people who want to make callout posts about how they shouldn’t have to harass writers for the content they want to see: if you don’t like it, don’t read it. Instead of bitching because the person who is writing your current favorite story has a life or has temporarily lost interest or is suffering from writer’s block and thinks every idea they’ve ever had is total BS, remember that the entity on the other end of this ethereal connection you’ve made is a human being. A person. So politely ask for an update or just check in to say hi and see how they’re doing. Or find somebody else to read for the time being -- or forever. Or write something yourself. Don’t be a dick about it. If you haven’t paid someone for it, you aren’t entitled to it. These writers are doing this because they want to, because they love it. They’re under no obligation to make things solely to satisfy you. And your bitter ass is making it a lot less fun for them.

And to my readers: I found this sparkly little notebook I bought forever ago and have never used. I’m going to print out all the love and goodness you guys send my way and put it in there, so that when I’m having a bad time for any reason, or if I need a reminder of who is waiting for chapter 3 (! OMG I’M SO SORRY I’M SO SLOW !), or I just want to feel like someone out there gives a crap -- I’ll have my little pocket-sized book of your kindness that I can carry around with me. A constant reminder that not everything in this world sucks. ❤️ I love you guys.

I’m going back to working on chapter 3 now, I promise.

[kianraidelcam]

I was tagged by @anonymous-idfk for @whumptopia‘s 30 day RoboWhump Prompt Challenge. I have three other wips and though I could use another. Today’s prompt is Low Power Cells! Full fic under the cut as per usual! Although this time, I’m going to recommend you go on Ao3 for the proper formatting. (Also 11:45pm means it is still today so I didn’t fail on day 1)

Exhaustion is defined as a state of extreme physical or mental fatigue.

Often caused by arduous work, sleep deprivation, emotional strain, or various medical conditions, or a combination of the four, it has severe and negative effects on the human body. Androids, however, were built for difficult work, did not require sleep, and have no medical concerns, only technical glitches and malfunctions. And it was only as of late that androids could feel the emotional strain brought upon by daily life and true sentience. So, Connor mused, he was most certainly not exhausted.

The stumble he took earlier in the precinct’s break room definitely was not caused by the human condition. The lack of focus he experienced during his meeting reading over proposed laws with Markus and North was not a direct result of his lack of sleep; androids don’t sleep. His inability to recall a previous conversation with Lieutenant Anderson was not because he was overworked and fatigued.

Androids do not sleep. Connor does not sleep. He was not tired.

Instead, Connor works. He works homicide with Hank by day and supports the revolution by night. He files reports, chases suspects, and interviews witnesses. He supports New Jericho’s leadership, learns how to repair androids, and attempts to make reparations with those he hunted. He walks Sumo, cooks Hank dinner, and cleans the house when he returns home, careful to discard any alcohol he might encounter. He trips over a book on the floor in the Lieutenant’s house and tries to laugh it off with the man guffawing from the couch.

“Holy shit, Con, I didn’t even know you could trip!”

Connor is a highly advanced prototype detective android with a superior gyroscope and state-of-the-art spatial sensors. He should not be able to trip.

He runs a diagnostic late at night during a rare quiet lull in his schedule.

{WARNING: POWER CELLS LOW - PLEASE REPORT TO CYBERLIFE FOR ASSISTANCE}

Connor is a highly advanced prototype detective android with rare parts and new technology. CyberLife was a now defunct company that destroyed all other RK800 models. They claimed it was to prevent companies or other interested parties from accessing blueprints, company secrets, or mission details from any of Connor’s other bodies and memory banks. He knew differently. He freed an army of androids and cost the company millions of dollars in a single move, and secured the revolutions freedom with his own freedom march through Detroit.

It was an act of revenge and he knew it would be a damning one, for both him and CyberLife.

{WARNING: TIME BEFORE SHUTDOWN: 189:34:03}

He was built to hunt deviants, assist the Detroit Police Department, and to save CyberLife from the deviant “threat.” He was allotted three months of beta testing following his alpha testing. Connor was one week away from turning one year old. RK800 #313 248 317 - 51 was never supposed to live.

It wasn’t enough time. He had a week left. Connor hasn’t had enough time. He only had a week left. He still wanted to solve cases, play with Sumo, tend and build up his aquarium. He still wanted to quip with Hank, spar with North, debate with Josh, laugh with Simon, be around Markus. His LED flashes an alarming crimson, illuminating the right side of his face in a deathly glow. He had just started to live and now he only had a week left.

It takes him six hours and fourteen minutes to move from his spot on the couch and force his LED back to yellow, then blue. Roused by motion and noise coming from Hank’s room, he sets about his day, preparing the man a breakfast of eggs and a side of bacon. He smiles at Hank and tells him good morning, only receiving a grunt in reply.

{Lieutenant Hank Anderson: Friend - Nonverbal Before 7AM}

{Please refrain from communicating until first caffeinated beverage is consumed}

Connor ignores the prompt from his social integration protocol and swallows unnecessarily before closing the warning still flashing in front of his eyes. “Hank?”

The man in question lowers his mug with a raised eyebrow, a glimmer of concern barely visible in tired, blue eyes at the android’s tone and faraway look, “Yeah kid?”

“I just… I just want to say thank you. For everything. Without you, I don’t think I would have ever gotten the chance to appreciate,” he makes a vague gesture with his hands, a slight pause before locking eyes with Hank, “This. Life. Living.”

Eyebrows furrow and the grizzled detective frowns, warning bells blaring through his head, “Are you okay, Connor? Somethin’ wrong?”

Connor could tell him. He could tell him everything right now. There is a 86% chance they would leave straight for New Jericho without informing Captain Fowler of their absence at work. Hank would be scared but he would try to hide it from Connor and there is a 89% he would ignore several traffic laws in his haste to find a solution. Markus, Josh, Simon, and North would likely search relentlessly for a solution while assuring the pair that it wasn’t hopeless, that they could save him.

The odds of finding or building power cells compatible with his model in the time he had left was 23%.

“Nothing, Lieutenant. I think I’m just feeling...sentimental?”

Hank rolls his eyes, though concern still lingers. “Fucking sappy android. It’s too early for this shit.”

He tries to ignore when he hits his hip on the corner of his desk at work and Gavin’s resulting laugh.

{WARNING: POWER CELLS LOW - PLEASE REPORT TO CYBERLIFE FOR ASSISTANCE}

{WARNING: TIME BEFORE SHUTDOWN: 181:29:54}

Lieutenant Anderson doesn’t miss the way his LED flashes red when the warning appears in his vision. He asks Connor about the color and the deviant RK800 assures him that he just received a minor damage report from the collision. It was nothing to be worried about. He only had a week left but he couldn’t make everyone worry about him. There wasn’t hope anyway, and it’d be easier for everyone around him. He only had a week left but there was nothing to worry about.

Markus was not so easily fooled.

Connor is at another meeting with the deviant leader, listening to the group bicker back and forth about a proposed amendment to the Constitution when he zones out of the conversation. It’s like he’s floating from his chair and sinking into it all at once, unaware he’s mentally digressed from the conversation. His processor slows down

and

{OPTICAL UNITS OFFLINE}

{PLEASE CONSERVE POWER}

he’s

sinking

{TACTILE SENSORS PARTIALLY OFFLINE}

{PLEASE CONSERVE POWER}

deeper and deeper

{AUDITORY UNITS OFFLINE}

{PLEASE CONSERVE POWER}

like nothing is important

like nothing and everything is touching body all at once.

{SOCIAL INTEGRATION MODULE OFFLINE}

{FACIAL ANALYSIS MODULE OFFLINE}

{PLEASE CONSERVE POWER}

{PLEASE CONSERVE POWER}

{PLEASE CONSERVE POWER}

{WARNING: POWER CELLS LOW - UPDATED TIME UNTIL SHUTDOWN: 122:32:11}

{PLEASE REPORT TO CYBERLIFE FOR ASSISTANCE}

Until a hand falls on his shoulder and Connor is preconstructing six different ways to flip his attacker everything before his systems reboot and a pair of frantic mismatched eyes are only six inches from his own.

{OPTICAL UNITS ONLINE}

“-nor! Can you hear me?”

“I swear to rA9, Connor, you better respond right now!”

Voices are echoing around him, fading in and out, and Connor blinks owlishly as his systems sluggishly catch up. Markus is shaking his shoulders and he distantly notes that while his mouth is moving the sounds he are hearing are not quite matching up with the movement of Markus’ lips. Connor lets out an undignified “huuuh” as he blinks again, looking around the room to see North, Simon and Josh in front of him as well.

{AUDITORY UNITS ONLINE}

“Connor, answer if you can hear me,” Markus instructs as Connor’s eyes move back to his face.

He’s tired. He’s so tired and he just wants to go to sleep but androids don’t sleep, not even deviants. No matter how human he appears to be, he’s not he’s not he’s not he’s just a machine but he’s also so fucking exhausted. He now has less then a week left and it wasn’t enough time.

“I’m tired, Markus.”

All noise ceases abruptly, and Connor finds himself wondering if his auditory units went offline again. A quick check confirms that they haven’t, so he takes the silence as his cue to continue.

“I’m so tired. Androids aren’t supposed to feel tired but I just want to go to sleep,” Connor looks down at his hands and tries to ignore the slight static in the back of his head that just won’t go away, “I’m going to shutdown but I don’t want to go.”

It’s like a bomb goes off in the room. A flurry of activity sweeps Connor to repair bay where they run an extensive diagnostic. North holds his hand in solidarity while they attach the cable to the back of his neck, asking him what he wants for his birthday.

It’s not his birthday. He wasn’t born. If anything, Connor thinks it should be called his activation day, and either way, he knew he wasn’t going to live to see it.

“A dwarf gourami. While they are often called a community fish, they seem to do best when kept in species-only tanks as they tend to be aggressive with colorful fish, like my Siamese fighting fish. So I would require a new tank.”

They call Hank despite Connor’s protests, and despite the late hour, the man comes sprinting into his room, Sumo on his leash in one hand and a bag in the other. He studies the Lieutenant’s micro expressions but is unable to deduce exactly what the man is feeling due to his facial analysis systems running at half power to conserve energy. Connor opens his mouth to say something, anything, when Hank crosses the room and wraps the android in a rough embrace, “You fucking idiot, why the hell didn’t you tell me? Don’t worry, we’re gonna fix this. I promise, son.”

He stays in his room for the next four days at the head technicians orders while Josh and North search for compatible parts. Markus and Simon research building him a new one. Hank rarely leaves and tries to distract Connor despite his own exhaustion creeping in. The police lieutenant shares stories of his time at the academy, pausing whenever he zones out and continuing wherever he left off when he notices Connor’s awareness returning. Meanwhile, the little bit of news Markus brings is rarely good and Connor can only watch as the shutdown timer ticks closer to zero, unable to muster the energy to dismiss the notification.

{WARNING: TIME UNTIL SHUTDOWN 92:57:12} is when his optical units stop processing color, throwing the world around him into a grayscale.

{WARNING: TIME UNTIL SHUTDOWN 56:36:40} is when his social integration protocols shutdown, giving the android a sense of mood swings and confusion.

{WARNING: TIME UNTIL SHUTDOWN 43:02:08} is when Josh and Simon admit defeat in their search, opting to contact Elijah Kamski instead.

{WARNING: TIME UNTIL SHUTDOWN 41:01:01} is when Kamski informs them he can build a new set, but not in the time Connor has left. “There would be no guarantee the parts would be compatible anyway, Markus, but if you’d be so kind as to send me your blueprints thus far, I’ll see what I can do. Connor is the reason I still have the pleasure of Chloe’s company after all.”

{WARNING: TIME UNTIL SHUTDOWN: 34:07:15} is when Connor sees a single tear fall from Hank’s eyes during a moment Hank thinks he is unaware of his surroundings.

{WARNING: TIME UNTIL SHUTDOWN: 21:11:58} is when his auditory units shutdown, throwing the world into a shattering silence. Markus communicates whenever he can through an interface, although the connection tends to drop unexpectedly due to power fluctuations.  

{WARNING: TIME UNTIL SHUTDOWN: 2:31:18} is when Connor diverts as much power as he can afford to his voice box and auditory units. “Hank?”

Immediately, the man is in Connor’s field of vision, eyes wide and face tight with an emotion he can’t quite define. Whether it’s due to the static or the shutdown of his facial analysis program, he’s no sure.

“It’s going to hurt for a while-”

“Don’t you fucking start taking like that, you hear me? I ain’t losing another kid-”

{Lieutenant Hank Anderson: ^Father}

Connor smiles at the notification but interrupts Hank nonetheless, “It’s going to hurt for a while, but I know you can get through it. You’ve taught me that the pain never really goes away, but you also taught me that I can learn to live with it. I lived with it and I know you can too.”

He takes a shuddering breath he doesn’t need as a spike of static shoots across his eyes, throwing the world into color before darkening it yet again, “Besides, Hank. Who else would take care of my fish and Sumo just as well as I do?”

{MESSAGE RECEIVED: RK200 - MARKUS}

{ERROR: UNABLE TO OPEN MESSAGE}

{PLEASE CONSERVE POWER}

Hank ignores the buzzing on his phone, grabbing Connor’s limp hand instead. The synthetic skin flickers as it struggles to stay on despite the low power, and the temperature is noticeably lower than that of a human’s.

“Live with it for me because I won’t be able to,” Connor’s vision cuts out entirely as the drain on his systems become too much to bear, “It won’t hurt, Hank. It’ll be like going to sleep and I’m no scared anymore.”

{WARNING: UPDATED TIME UNTIL SHUTDOWN: 6:28}

{PLEASE CONSERVE POWER}

{PLEASE CONSERVE POWER}

Connor finally listens to the prompts and closes his unseeing eyes and shuts down what he can until he begins to feel untethered

floating away

{WARNING: TIME UNTIL SHUTDOWN: 4:32}

he’s so tired but he can finally sleep

and know what it means to dream

he could be more human than ever with his dreams

{WARNING: TIME UNTIL SHUTDOWN: 2:10}

he wonders what he’ll dream about

he hopes Hank will be okay

he knows Markus would be eventually

{WARNING: TIME UNTIL SHUTDOWN: 00:14}

{BIOCOMPONENTS #3546w, #3546v REMOVED}

{GOODNIGHT RK800}

{BIOCOMPONENTS #3546x, #3546y DETECTED}

{BIOCOMPONENTS COMPATIBLE}

{REBOOT (y/n?}

{SYSTEMS RESTARTING}

[professorsaber]

Odds of tv show ask game?

Eeee, a huge number of asks!  Thank you!

1. if you could reboot one TV show, which one would it be?

Probably Heroes. The concept was good, and the first season was magic, but there were too many inconsistencies later.  I think it deserves a new start.

3. have you ever quit a show before it finished? Why?

I quit basically everything I watched in 2016 because everything was really stressful and I was in a major depressive episode, basically.  The list included Modern Family, Elementary, and The Goldbergs, at minimum.  I watched Supergirl, but when Doctor Who was rescheduled to be aired against it last season, I chose Doctor Who.  I’d like to get involved again, though.  (Yes, I could have recorded Supergirl or on-demanded it, but I guess I didn’t have the energy.)  I watched Heroes from the beginning, but quit during season 3 because of the massive decline in quality after the first season.  Finally, I quit Person of Interest (also in the third season, IIRC) because it got far too dark.  I actually said to my father, “I’m not going to watch when they’ll all die in the end.”  I was pretty much spot on…

5. what’s your comfort show?

California’s Gold with Huell Howser, which is a docuseries where the host, an excitable Tennesseean, travels the state and shows off its wonders and quirks.  Huell passed in 2013, but one of LA’s public stations still airs it every day.

7. have you ever been inspired to start a new show based on gifs or memes it has produced?

Not yet, but I’m highly tempted to start Good Omens because of them.

9. what’s one show you thought you’d hate but turned out to really enjoy?

I’m not sure.  Maybe Sailor Moon when I was a kid?  One of my friends got me into that in the 3rd or 4th grade despite my childish uneasiness about watching a “girls’ show,” but I think I liked it.  (20+ years later, I don’t remember much.)  I can’t think of a more recent example offhand.

11. which TV show has the best musical soundtrack, in your opinion?

Probably Person of Interest.  Their composer did music for movies, and it showed.

13. what genre of TV show is your favourite?

My shows are pretty much split between sci-fi shows and sitcoms.

15. do you feel like there are any overrated TV show formats?

Reality and game shows.

17. have you ever written fanfiction for a TV show?

Right now, I do Doctor Who fanfics here. (I also do Back to the Future.)  Shortly after high school I did fanfics for Heroes, and during high school I did one for Transformers: Beast Wars.  I don’t recall if I ever published the latter; I went through my first depressive episode during that time and lost interest in everything.  I’ve also plotted and/or started Pokemon and Star Trek fics, but have never finished them, let alone published them.

19. are there any shows on your “to watch” list right now?

Not really? Again, Good Omens is almost on it, and Supergirl as well.

21. if you could be a guest star on any show, which one would it be?

Either Doctor Who or Modern Family, probably.

23. are you a fan of will-they-won’t-they plots?

I’m not sure I am.  I liked Frasier much better once Niles and Daphne decided they would, and I’ve headcanoned Twelve and Clara from Doctor Who as having done it as well…

25. do you prefer proper opening credits, or a simple title card?

Opening credits. I really miss them.

27. which actor do you think deserves an Emmy for their work on TV?

I’d say both Jenna Coleman and Peter Capaldi deserved something for Doctor Who—Peter especially for “Heaven Sent.”

29. do you tend to quote TV shows a lot? have you ever started using a word/phrase because of a TV show?

No and no (though I’m not entirely sure about the latter).

31. do you use subtitles while watching TV if you can?

Not really, but I used to turn on the closed captioning all the time when I was a kid.  No particular reason; I just liked it.  Also, I once watched a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory with the French subtitles on—I took French in high school and was curious if I remembered much of it.  (I didn’t.)  I also did the Chinese subtitles, for the hell of it.

33. would you be interested in trying a show in another language?

Sure.

35. who are your top 5 TV characters right now?

Clara Oswald, the Twelfth Doctor, the Thirteenth Doctor, Graham O’Brien, and probably a tie between Nardole and Bill Potts.  Yes, they’re all from Doctor Who.  That’s really all I watch right now other than California’s Gold, at least all I watch that’s fictional.

37. which TV show setting would you most like to visit?

Probably Star Trek: The Next Generation. Much more so than the shows earlier or later in the setting.  Doctor Who would probably be too dangerous…

39. do you prefer 22 episode seasons, or 13?

I’m an American, so I’m used to 22, and probably prefer it.

41. if you could change 1 detail about any show, what would you change and why?

Right now, all I can think of is making the Doctor and Clara’s romance on Doctor Who more obvious… somehow.  Or maybe a hook where Clara’s “ghost” from Twelve’s final episode promises that she will see him/her/them again alive.  (I’m a strong shipper of Thirteen/Clara.  For some reason, it’s a lonely ship, much more so than Thirteen/River or Thirteen/Rose…)

43. what do you think is a good amount of seasons for a TV show?

Seven.  Seven’s a good number.  It worked for the Star Treks of the 90s, so it should be good enough for anyone!

45. do you own any TV shows on DVD?

I bought the entire series of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and I have several seasons of shows.  (I also have all of Almost Human, but that’s because it only ran for one season.)  The list includes The Big Bang Theory Season 5, The Goldbergs Season 1, Supergirl Seasons 1 and 2, Elementary Seasons 1 and 2, Person of Interest Season 1, Heroes Season 1, Doctor Who Series 8 and 9, and Frasier Season 10.

47. are there any shows you love but your friends aren’t interested in?

I suppose?  I don’t have many friends, and we don’t really talk about TV…  I have one Whovian friend who dropped the show last year because the negativity in the fandom got to her.  (She wants to watch it again, thankfully.)

49. who are your favourite couples on TV?

Whouffaldi (Twelve and Clara from Doctor Who) are my OTP.  Yes, they were a couple.  I only ask that you acknowledge it; you don’t have to like it.

51. what’s one TV cliche you despise?

I’ve been wracking my brain and I really can’t think of any right now.  I may add one if it occurs to me.

Thank you so much for asking all these!!!

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

I Miss AO3

(Before I get into everything, I want to specify that the Reverse Sanders Sides Bang is still going on! This blog just might be a bit different from now on, more details will be below!)

I’m going to be honest with you all for a moment, because I’ve been pushing and pushing myself lately and it’s getting me nowhere, so I have to let you all know something:

I’ve been putting off writing for Sanders Sides and putting off posting stuff to this blog.

It’s not because of hate, or because of pettiness, or anything negative, really. It just...takes so much energy to post things on this blog, moreso than it does any other site.

See, when I go through this blog, I have to: reread my work for typos, make sure it’s formatted correctly, comb through for any curse words or potential triggers that may pop up and list warnings at the beginning of the chapter for those things. Which, okay, big deal. Tumblr doesn’t like copying formats from Google or Evernote. People have triggers, and I respect that. I have triggers I’d rather not read, and that’s fine. But...triggers range from food mentions to mental illnesses and worse, and it’s tiring to figure out what is a trigger and what isn’t. I much prefer AO3, where you can tag for the big things in your fic, maybe establish a few plot points or issues in additional tags, and then send your fic into the world, and let the readers decide if this is something they want to read.

Having to do this same song and dance every time is sucking away my enjoyment and my creativity, not to mention the content drought and subsequent explosion after a new video, trying to navigate what the heck is going on. In addition to all that, I feel like I owe people fics from almost a year ago or more, and I don’t even know if these people are still on Tumblr.

I’m still very much in the Sanders Sides fandom, I enjoy the content people make and I enjoy the videos and I love to theorize. But the “fanfiction” part of my URL seems...lacking, and it has for a while.

I don’t want to stop writing for Sanders Sides. I don’t. But I also don’t want to have to go through everything I do now when I put up a post on this blog. It’s...exhausting, and frankly? I have better ways to spend my time, more productive ways that leave me feeling good about myself and not drained every time I share content.

So, this is where you guys come in. What I could do, is transfer all of my current ongoing works to AO3, share my pseud with you all, and let you enjoy content there first and foremost. Whenever I share a work there I could send a link here, including the rating and tags but not necessarily combing through every word for triggers and curse words. Or, I could reformat the way I share works here to match the way that AO3 does it and post them both places. Tick off any major warnings (Graphic Violence, Major Character Death, etc.), as well as the “additional tags” I would put on AO3, and let that be that.

I acknowledge that neither of these options are perfect, and some people may want to unfollow me if I choose to reformat my blog this way. That’s fine, your corner of the Internet is supposed to be safe for you, I won’t force you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, including continue to follow me. Especially if you have an obscure trigger I may not know about and therefore would not know to tag right away. But I want to make content for you guys again, some way, some how. I just can’t do that the way I had been running this blog before.

Any input you can give me, I would appreciate. I’m going to be transferring some of my works from here over to AO3 tonight and hopefully tomorrow, so I’ll have the time to monitor the notes and replies on this. I just want to enjoy the content I put out as much as you guys do. I hope some of you have read this to the very end. Thank you if you have. <3

[bittybattybunny]

I don’t know if this is helpful feedback re: creating and posting stresses but - I think if you’ve been needing to take a break from updating? Do it.

Like.... Admittedly I’m sort of on the other end of the spectrum with this, but I tend to create privately, especially with writing, and only share it publicly when I have a lot to share, because that’s when it feels worth sharing openly for me, when it’s worth the editing and formatting and whatnot (and there’s my own personal motivations on why I do it that way but)... and the nice thing about this is? It helps me set my own pace, and once I’ve created it? It’s always there for me to choose to share later, if and only when I have the energy and ability to.

On a couple occasions I’ve shared wips or snippets on sideblogs, and gotten responses. And usually I regret doing that. Because if I don’t actually have the ability to pick it up and continue it, and people responded to it and have expectations, that becomes a pressure I don’t need. It becomes a one-sided obligation. And I don’t know that that’s exactly what your core struggle is right now but... Until you sort things out better and come to terms with what you actually want or need to do? You don’t need to have that pressure hanging over your head.

Take a break from updating. If you step away, you can breathe and hopefully get some space from that negative feedback, and when you’re in a better mental space you can come back anytime. Everyone will welcome you back. And anyone who would complain about you taking a break will hopefully just leave and take their entitled attitudes elsewhere. If you want to permanently stop updating? That’s ok too. Just remember it doesn’t have to be, either.

yeah I mean in a way i did/am taking a small break. I used to update my fic weekly to bi weekly then stopped for health reasons but then the mental stuff on top lead to where I currently am.

I actually don't post everything I do despite how much I post, I post the stuff I find postable enough but like I've got doodles unposted, fics unposted, so many WIPS, Aus that haven't even been MENTIONED on the blog let alone shown anything for

I think last night just also boiled down to a bad night and then fear TM over the new fic going out and then everything broiling over.

I don't think I could bring myself to permanently stop. That's what makes this such a squirmy position for me is I LOVE TO SHARE I love sharing my stories and ideas but then this gnaws at me and I end up having a breakdown last night.

I'm gonna try to keep posting and trying to just not think about it but sometimes it's hard and watching my friends have similar issues.

The other issue is I really need to not compare to others in my life *sighs* like I look at a few friends and think "what am I doing wrong/differently is my content just bad" etc and I know it's the worst mindset.

[starkshamilton]

Surviving Somehow - Chapter One

Synopsis: All Ava wants is for her little sister Enid to be safe, and Alexandria seems to be the answer. However, when Ava realizes just how inept its' citizens are, she sees that the Safe-Zone is doomed to fail. That is, until another group strolls through the gates.

AO3

Hi, everyone! 

This is my first fic about the Walking Dead and my first fic on Tumblr ever! It’s been awhile, but this idea has been rolling around in my head for wayyy too long. I also provided a link to my archive of our own account if that format is better for you. 

Enjoy!

Chapter One: Just the Two of Us

Ava couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She wanted to scream, but the horror was stopping any noise from leaving her vocal cords. The gurgling of the dead cut through the tense air as Ava fell to her knees, her eyes never leaving the sight before her. The two forms of her parents laid on the dirt road as three walkers made a feast of their flesh, the roamers too busy with their kill to acknowledge her presence. She couldn’t have been gone for more than ten minutes—ten minutes to hunt while the couple worked to fix their broken-down SUV. Yet, that was all it took for her world to end. Again.

When humanity crumbled, they stuck together. They only had each other. Why did she leave them? They could’ve gone without food for another night. If Ava stayed, she would have been there to stop this, to save them.  An involuntary sob escaped her throat, the emotion making the walkers turn to her before slowly getting up and making their way over to indulge in dessert.

Ava slowly stood up, but she didn’t run. Instead, she pulled her hunting knife out from its’ sheath stalked over to the beasts. Ava let her rage win as she took out each Walker, angry grunts erupting from her throat as she allowed the tears to roll freely down her cheeks. Once she took care of the last one, Ava seethed her knife, her eyes landing on the mutilated bodies of her loved ones. It was then Ava put her hands on her knees and retched. The vomit came out like a river, landing in front of her feet as she continued to gag long after the contents left her stomach.

“A…Ava?”

Ava whipped around to look at the source of the small voice. Her frame was coated in blood, the tears that she had been crying making the liquid drip down her round cheeks—cheeks Ava would always pinch to get a rise out of her.  

“Enid.”

Without saying another word, Ava sloppily ran to Enid as she wrapped her little sister into an embrace. When Ava didn’t see her sister among her parents, she had assumed that Enid had took off running in a vain attempt to find Ava. She thought she would never see her again and, judging from the tight way Enid clutched onto Ava’s worn t-shirt, the elder sister assumed that Enid had thought the same of her.

“It was so bad,” Enid sobbed. “They…they came to the car…Mom and Dad tried to fight them off--.”

Ava gently shushed her, not wanting Enid to describe the trauma; doing so would only make her lose her little sister even more. Ava was content just standing there in silence, holding the one person who meant more to her than anything in the world. The sky had different plans as the clouds parted and rain began to coat the dirt road. Closing her eyes, Ava took a deep breath.

It was time to be rational, to be more than a big sister. Ava needed to be a leader.

“Let’s get out of here.”

Enid nodded, and Ava reluctantly released her from their hug. Silently, Enid took Ava’s hand, a gesture she had once saw as being ‘too babyish’.  The small act broke Ava’s heart, and she squeezed onto her sibling’s hand before tugging her into the woods in search of cover.

It was just them now, and Ava wasn’t going to let them fail.

“You’re not holding it right.”

Enid tensed at the tired voice as she lowered the handgun. She thought that she was the only one awake but, turning around, Enid watched as Ava sat up in her sleeping bag. Enid put a hand to her heart in feign shock.

“You shouldn’t sneak up on someone when they have a gun in their hands.”

“I think I’m safe,” Ava scoffed. “Do you even know where the trigger is?”

“Ha. Ha.”

Ava smiled as she watched Enid turn the gun in her hand, examining the firearm. They guessed that they have been on their own for two months, and it was the first-time Ava had seen Enid pick up any sort of weapon. Their parents were deeply against Enid getting her hands dirty, stating that she wouldn’t need to defend herself because she would always have them.

What a lie.

Although Enid would never admit it, Ava was sure that her younger sibling was timid when it came to weapons. From the corner of her eye, she would catch Enid quietly flinching whenever Ava would use one; whether it be digging an arrow into a walker’s brain or firing a bullet to lure a herd away, she would have the same reaction. Of course, Ava never called her out on it. She knew her sister, and Ava didn’t have the energy to get into fights with Enid—not when each moment could be their last.

There was a small sense of relief within Ava when she woke up to see Enid aiming the weapon at a tree. This meant that she was willing to learn, or at least try. She stretched her arms, a tired yawn escaping her throat as she spoke.

“I can teach you to shoot, you know.”

Enid looked up from the weapon before giving a flippant response. “I know.”

Ava raised a brow. “Do you want to learn?”

“Mom and Dad wouldn’t like it.”

The response came quick, almost too fast for Ava to even prepare for it. Even after their death, Enid was still ‘the good child’. The one who listened to their parents without a fight while Ava went through her ‘angst’ phase until she was twenty. Ava shook her head. The past didn’t matter anymore, and Enid needed to realize that.

“Mom and Dad wanted you to be safe,” Ava pointed out as she turned to face Enid more directly. “They would want you to be able to defend yourself when I’m not around.”

Enid narrowed her eyes. “Planning on leaving me?”

“Never,” Ava sharply answered, “But Mom and Dad weren’t either.”

 The judgmental glare faded and Enid looked down at her shoes, trying to hide the tears Ava didn’t mean to cause. Ava didn’t regret what she said; Enid needed to learn that the world didn’t follow the same rules anymore. Ava gestured for Enid to come into her arms, and the younger girl welcomed the comfort.  

“I’ll do everything I can to stay by your side,” Ava whispered into her hair, “But you need to fight to stay by mine, too.”

Ava felt Enid’s head nod, but the girl didn’t let go of her until a few more moments passed. Enid’s expression of sadness was now replaced with one of determination as she held the gun out to Ava, her small voice now dripping with strength.

“Teach me.”

The arrow pierced through the squirrel’s neck, making the unsuspecting animal topple to its’ side in a lifeless heap. Enid let out a small curse as she lowered the bow, the owner of the weapon walking past her to pick up their dinner. Looking down at the creature, Ava offered a small nod of approval.

“You almost got the eye!”

Enid groaned. “’Almost’ isn’t good enough.”

“Maybe,” Ava grinned as she picked up the animal and ripped the arrow out of it. “But it is closer than when you kept hitting nothing.”

She shrugged. “Whatever.”

Enid had been getting better with weapons; so far, her best skill came with knife wielding. Ava noticed that she still had trouble pulling the trigger of her gun, but if she could take a walker out with one stab to the skull, that was good enough for now.

However, it wasn’t Enid’s survival skills that were worrying Ava, it was her mental state. The pair had decided to leave the comfort of North Carolina to see what the North had to offer.  They have been traveling for a few months and their time on the road had showed Ava just how hollow Enid was becoming. The girl who was once unable to conceal her giggles in the most serious circumstances was now becoming hardened with melancholy behavior.

Ava couldn’t blame her. Enid had been dealt a rough hand, but it was hard watching her sister disappear into a cloud of negativity and despair. It was as if the little sister was just waiting for death.

“The world wants to die,” She had said to Ava one evening, “It’s time to let it.”

Ava just shook her head. “Then why are we still here?”

Ava tried to keep things light by cracking jokes, congratulating her on a kill or making dinner, but all Enid would do was roll her eyes in response. Or worse, she would downplay her achievements by stating what she did wasn’t ‘good enough’. Ava wanted to see her little sister smile again, she just didn’t know how.

“I’ll get this thing roasting,” Ava began her trek back to their camp for the evening. “You can practice a bit more, if you want.”

Enid brightened up at this—it was the first-time Ava saw her do so in a long time.

“Just don’t go too far.” Ava reminded her.

Enid nodded, already walking away. “I won’t!”

Ava simply shook her head before making her way to the camp. They had a bit more than they did only a few weeks ago; Ava had found a tent in a junkyard, and Enid found another sleeping bag, so they no longer had to share. She would never say it aloud, but Ava missed cuddling with her sister at night, but Enid needed the space. Ava had hoped the privacy would help her attitude, but so far, it hadn’t.

After skinning the squirrel, and making a fire, Ava began the slow process of cooking the animal; however, even after doing all of this, Enid still hadn’t returned.

And it was when Ava heard a scream pierce the air when her worst feelings were confirmed.

Grabbing her gun, Ava took off running into the woods, jumping over anything that would slow her down. Instinct made her want to scream Enid’s name, but she knew better. Whoever had her sister, Ava couldn’t alert them. Not if she wanted to have a chance to beat them.

When she saw figures in the distance becoming closer, Ava slid to her knees, ducking behind a bush to get her bearings. Her heart raced when her eyes landed on Enid, her baby sister corned by two older men; one stood behind her, covering her mouth while the other sneered in front.  

“You better not scream again, little girl.” The man in the front grinned as he whipped out his knife. “Or I’ll give you something to wail about.”

Screw being cautious. Ava stood up, aiming her gun at the man.

“That’s enough.”

Her voice made the man in front look over to her as the one holding Enid turned to face Ava. At the sight of her elder sister, Enid’s eyes went wide, but Ava could see the small light of relief they had within them. The man holding the knife only looked afraid for a moment before slipping back into a smile.

“It looks like we’re just getting started,” He chuckled. “You got a name?”

Ava didn’t have time for bullshit. “Let her go.”

“That’s impolite, didn’t your mother teach you manners?”

She hummed. “She taught me not to talk to strangers.”

“Touché.” He looked between Enid and Ava. “Is it just you two, or ya’ll got a camp?”

Ava remained silent. She didn’t want these guys to know just how much they got on their own, although now it seemed that they would be leaving their goodies the moment Ava got Enid back.

“Fine, don’t tell me.” He shrugged, “But you’re going to have to pass me that gun.”

She didn’t flinch, her hands never shaking as she kept the weapon up. However, Ava’s rational thinking came to a halt when the man held a knife up to Enid’s cheek, getting ready to slice.

“I’m waiting…”

He pressed the blade down on her cheek, and Enid let out a small sound of pain through the man’s hand as the sight of blood began to drip. Ava quickly put the gun on the ground before putting her hands up.

“Take it!” Blood continued to be drawn, and Ava felt herself shake. “Just take it!”

He stopped and grinned. “Good girl.”

Ava watched with careful eyes as he made his way over to her. Giving his best smile, the man bent over to pick up the weapon. While his back was arched, his sights on the ground, Ava quickly got her knife out of her holster and drew it through his shoulder.

The man let out a wail and Ava kneed him in the face, the impact making him fall backwards. Enid took this as a sign to act, the girl biting the man’s hand. He yelped and let her go, giving Enid time to run back over to Ava and hide behind her as the elder picked up her gun. With one arm wrapped around Enid, and the other holding the weapon, Ava didn’t blink as she fired a shot into the head of the man who had once held Enid.

Ava then let Enid go as she got to her knees, straddling the ringleader as she began to plant punch after punch to his face.

“You like picking on little girls, huh?” She yelled, unable to stop herself from taunting the pervert. “Makes you feel tough?!”  

The man didn’t answer, he couldn’t with Ava pounding into him. Enid watched as Ava then took her knife and stabbed the man between the eyes, watching the life disappear from the orbs. Silence erupted through the forest, the only sound being Ava’s deep breaths as she looked between the man below her and the other fallen in the distance.

Ava had never killed a living person before, but now, she could add two to her count.

It was an odd feeling. Unlike the walkers, there was no sense of accomplishment. There was only a feeling of completing a mundane task; as if it was a daily chore that needed to be done. Ava did it for Enid, to protect her, but she didn’t know how her little sister would react. Would she see Ava as a monster? Would she be afraid of her?

Ava turned to face Enid, wanting to see the answer for herself.

Her heart dropped when she saw cold eyes, and a hardened expression, staring back. Unmoved.

Life was bleak.

Well, bleaker than usual.

The girls had run out of food two days ago and, with winter settling in Virginia, animals were beginning to disappear. Ava did shoot down a bird that was big enough for one of them to eat, and she gave it to Enid—much to the girl’s disapproval.

“You need to eat too.” Enid shook her head as Ava thrusted the cooked bird in her face.

Ava didn’t hesitate. “You come first, Enid.”

“No.” Enid practically yelled, “It’s both of us, or none of us.”

Seeing that Enid wasn’t going to eat, Ava tossed the bird. She hated that Enid would rather die than be alone. Ava realized she would have to sit down and talk to her about how, if she died, Enid would have to move on. It wasn’t a conversation she wasn’t looking forward to, but it had to be done.

They walked down a frigid path, the only sound being their feet against the dirt road…until the sound of rustling bushes made both girls freeze. Ava put her hand out to Enid, stopping the youngest from going any closer before aiming her bow towards the lush brush. After a short moment, a German Shepard stepped out of the green, his tongue hanging out as he paused in front of Ava, letting out a growl.

For a moment, Ava considered firing the arrow and dining on dog meat for the night. Between the two of them, the meat could last about a week. However, her plans were diminished when Enid put a hand out to the dog.

“Easy, boy. Easy.” She coaxed.

Enid kneeled on the ground, the sudden movement making the animal move excitedly towards her. Ava was about to tell Enid to get away from the dog, to be ready to run, but the look of pure joy on Enid’s face made the eldest pause. It was the first time in a week Ava had seen Enid smile, the expression even reaching her brown eyes as she let the dog sniff her hand.

Ava felt her mouth turn up in a smile. “I think you made a new friend.”

“He’s so cute!” Enid whispered, giggling as she gave the dog a scratch behind the ears. “His collar says his name is Max!”

Ava looked for any sign of people, “I wonder if his owners are nearby…”

“Maybe food’s nearby.”

If dog owners were nearby, maybe they could offer them a small reward for bringing him back—perhaps in the form of food. However, Ava knew not to get her hopes up; these days, it was people who were the real threat, but she couldn’t bear to state the negatively aloud. Not when Enid was so happy.

Max let out a soft bark before taking off down the path, making Enid instantly stand up as Ava tensed.

“Where’s he going?” Enid frowned.

Ava turned to her before looking where the dog ran off to. They had nowhere else to be, nowhere to go, maybe the dog was a sign. Ava shrugged.

“Let’s find out.”

“Holy shit.”

Ava’s eyes widened at the sight of an abandoned camp in front of her. Two tents sat on either side of the clearing. One tent was completely ripped to shreds while a fire pit that has long been out of use sat between the two makeshift houses. Ava watched with interest as Max sniffed around a trash can, tail wagging with glee without a care in the world. Without a second thought, Ava made her way to the can, ignoring Enid’s scoff.

“I’m not that hungry, Ava.”  

Ava looked down in the can, taking in the flies and smell before rolling up her right sleeve. “We need to check everywhere. Remember that.”

“Yeah, sure.” Enid waved her off as she made her way over to one of the tents.

Ava’s unbothered façade faded as she turned back to the can. She could practically see the stench of the trash radiating from the can. This was a new low for her. Yet, her growling stomach reminded her that the new world was filled with lows. Ava looked down at Max, who had taken a seat and looked at Ava expectedly. She rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, you enjoy the show, boy.”

With that, she dived her hand into the bin. After a few times of picking out pure trash, Ava finally felt a sense of accomplishment when she pulled out a sealed can. Her eyes grew wide as she read the label; Fresh Beans. A grin overtook her features before looking down at the dog, his tail wagging at the sudden attention.

“Oh, thank god,” She then turned to Enid. “I found dinner!”

Enid’s head popped out of the tent. “No freaking way!”

The young girl ran over to her sister, taking the can in her hands before giggling. Ava joined, and the two were delirious with laughter. After weeks of pitiful dinners that were comprised of pine nuts, they would finally have some real nutrients.

The sisters walked over to a log by the long burned out firepit as Ava took out her knife and began opening the can. The sight of brown and red beans made Ava almost start weeping with joy as she poured some into Enid’s hand before doing the same for herself. Moans that were once reserved for five-star meals were now the soundtrack of their small dinner.

“Did you find anything good?” Ava asked, wanting some lighthearted conversation.

Enid grinned. “A few comic books.”

Ava smiled back. When Ava and Enid were younger, and the phase of hating a sibling hadn’t hit yet, the older sister had introduced Enid to the world of comics. Although Ava once enjoyed them herself, and wanted to share the hobby, it was all to get Enid more excited about reading. Their parents were pleased when they saw just how much it worked.  Before Ava could add more, the sound of a whining dog made the two look down. Max laid at their feet, begging for a bite of food. Ava and Enid shared a look.

“He did lead you to the trash can.” Enid trailed off, a wishful tone in her voice.

Ava pursed her lips. The selfish side of her wanted to save a lot of the beans for themselves, but looking at Enid’s big eyes, and Max’s whines providing an ambient noise, Ava realized she didn’t have much of a choice. The older girl sighed before giving a smile.

“You’re right,” Her grin widened at the sight of Enid’s excitement. “Sharing is caring.”

Enid beamed as she poured a few more beans into a hand before reaching out towards the dog. However, instead of going for the food in her hand, Max knocked the can out of Enid’s hand and began lapping up the food.

It was then everything seemed to happen in slow motion.

As Enid reached to pick up the can, the dog latched onto her arm, pulling her down to the dirt ground. The younger girl screamed as she tried to rip her arm away from the dog’s jaw. Ava could only see red as she sprang into action; after all this time, she wasn’t about to lose Enid to a mutt.

Using the strength that could only come from pure adrenaline and anger, Ava grabbed the dog by his collar and pulled him off Enid. Ava could hear Enid’s heavy breathing, but her focus was on the devil dog. He growled, getting low before lunging towards Ava. However, the older girl was quicker as she delivered a kick to the dog’s chest, sending the animal over the log across from the pair.

When the dog didn’t return, Ava quickly ran over to Enid, dropping to her knees beside her little sister. Enid clutched her injured arm to her chest, her eyes threatening to release tears. Ava reached for her arm, but gesture making Enid huff in pain as she curled more into herself.  

“You have to let me see it, baby.” Ava coaxed, gazing at her with sad eyes.

Enid bit the side of her cheek to stop herself from screaming out as she slowly moved her arm away from her chest. Ava sucked in a breath at the wound. Enid’s arm was a mangled mess of flesh, canine indentions decorating the skinny limb as blood colored her skin red.

“I’m sorry…” Enid whispered, tone full of guilt.

Ava felt her heart drop at the apology. “None of this is your fault,” She spoke seriously before deadpanning, “If you try to apology to me again, I’m going to cut off your other arm.”

A small smile took over Enid’s lips before fading into a grimace of pain once more. For once, Ava didn’t have an inkling of what they could do. They ran out of medical supplies a few weeks ago and every place they scavenged came up empty. Ava would have to put her trust in people, that’s if any were even nearby. Taking her knife from her pocket, Ava cut a long piece of fabric from the oversized plaid shirt she wore before using the strip to wrap the wound.

“We’re going to find help.”

Ava could tell Enid wanted to protest. Enid was always wearier of people than Ava, even before the end of the world. However, judging from the weak nod the younger sister gave in response, Ava realized that she didn’t have the strength to voice her opinion.

Wrapping an arm around Enid’s body, Ava helped the girl to her feet. The pair slowly left the camp, and the dreadful memories it made, behind. 

The afternoon sun rose high in the sky, the leaves of the trees doing little to protect Enid and Ava from the harsh heat. Despite feeling Enid growing heavier in her arms, Ava continued to push on for the both.

The sun was cruel, but the night would be worse.

“How much further?” Enid weakly asked, her eyes half lidded.

Ava pursed her lips, trying to think of the answer that did not exist. She was still dealing with the shock that they hadn’t run into another campsite for miles. Even more terrifying, they hadn’t seen a Walker in hours; however, Ava didn’t want to jinx that. Ava pulled Enid closer to her.

“A few more miles,” Ava lied. “I think I saw smoke in the distance.”

Enid sighed, exasperated. “Can we just rest for a second?”

They needed to keep going, but one look at Enid’s face was enough to make Ava agree. The girl was drained of all color, her eyes drooping as Ava gently sat her against a rock. Ava took the spot next to her, pulling her knife out as she always did when she had to keep watch. Enid leaned into Ava, the older sister wrapping an arm around her as Enid dropped her head to Ava’s shoulder. Ava grinned, it would almost be like old times if Enid’s arm wasn’t mangled.

“Thank you.”

Ava kissed her head. “No problem, kiddo.”

It only took a moment for Enid’s steady breathing to fill the air, her face nuzzled in Ava’s neck comfortably. Ava looked around the forest before looking down at Enid’s arm. The blood was soaking through the makeshift bandage, the sight instantly making Ava look away. She wasn’t a Doctor, despite her parents’ wishes, but even Ava knew that they didn’t have long until the injury was infected. Even if they found people, did they know to treat a serious infection? The thought of losing Enid made Ava pull her closer into her body, as if the proximity of their bodies would be the best medicine.

Ava snapped to her senses as she looked around the forest. She looked down at Enid, the girl still sleeping soundly as Ava ran her free hand through her hair. Ava didn’t know if she was out for five minutes or hours; either length was too long. She looked around the area, thinking it was clear until the unmistakable sound of the dead reached her ears; a Walker was coming up right beside her. Ava silently cursed to herself before gently shaking Enid awake.

The girl was only angry for a moment, but soon grew alert when she saw what was coming. Weaker than before, it took Ava a moment to help Enid to her feet. As they walked, Ava could see more of the dead coming out of hiding. Ava wondered if they could smell the blood that was practically pouring out of Enid’s arm.

 The younger girl hobbled, doing her best to keep up with the pace needed to escape death, but Ava could feel her growing heavier in her arms. Enid’s body wanted her to stop, and she was ready to let it. She took in Ava’s determined expression, and wondered if it was time for the older sister to let her go.

“Ava, I…”

Ava’s jaw clenched, as if knowing what Enid was about to say, “Shut up.”

Without another word, Ava scooped Enid up into her arms with a grunt. Ava darted through the woods, wanting more than anything to make it to the clearing at the end of it. She readjusted Enid in her arms more than a few times, but she never stopped moving; if she stopped, they were both as good as dead.

The clearing was close when Ava’s foot got caught on a root, sending both girls tumbling down onto the ground. Ava landed on top of Enid, the younger girl unable to stop herself from yelling out at the fall. Ava lifted herself slightly, looking behind her to see the Walkers advancing. She put a comforting hand on Enid’s back.

“Don’t move!”

She didn’t wait for Enid to answer as she pulled her pistol out, firing at the Walkers that were getting too close for comfort. She had only taken down five walkers when her chamber clicked empty; Ava had clearly overestimated her bullets. Her eyes grew wide when she saw a Walker coming closer to them. She took a few breaths as she pulled her knife out. The fight would be close, but Ava wasn’t going to die. Not like this. She was about to kick the Walker’s feet out from under him when a bullet planted itself into his head, sending him down on the ground next to Ava and Enid.

Ava gasped, confused. However, it was when she saw two bodies running towards her when she realized they weren’t alone. The closer they got, Ava began to see that they were two men; the realization made Ava grip her knife tighter.

The men they ran into seemed to think that they were owed something, and Ava was ready to defend Enid if this pair shared the same outlook. After taking out most of the Walkers, the men made their way over to Ava and Enid; the former instantly raising her knife in defensive.

“Whoa, okay,” The blonde put his hands up in a ‘surrender’ gesture, his words rushed as he struggled to catch his breath. “Relax.”

Ava was internally shocked at his appearance. He had to be the cleanest person she had seen on the road. His blonde hair perfectly combed, and looked to be washed, as his clothes only had a few droplets of dead blood on it. However, that didn’t make her lower the knife as the second man made his way over, his eyes wide as he took in Ava’s insane expression.

“Give me a reason to.” Her eyes narrowed.

“We get it,” A redhead stepped up. “Stranger danger and all that.”

Her knife shook slightly. ‘Stranger Danger’? Was this a joke? The two men shared a look before looking back down at Ava.

“We wouldn’t kill all these dead ones just to hurt you,” The redhead went on, “We want to help you.”

Ava blinked. That reasoning was logical, most crooks gave up when there was a horde near, but the men in front of her killed nearly all of them. Ava lowered her knife, but didn’t let her guard down.

“Well, you did what you wanted,” She gestured to the slayed Walkers. “Thanks, bye.”

The man opened his mouth, ready to try another tactic, when Enid’s coughing cut them all short. Ava ignored her senses and put her knife away before turning to her sister. Enid laid in a ball on the forest floor, cradling her arm as her body shook with coughs. Ava ran a hand through Enid’s long locks, trying to get it out of her face.

“Shit, Enid, look at me.”

“Av…” She began, but was unable to finish as coughs racked her form.

Ava put her hands-on Enid’s shaking body, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. She didn’t know what to do, how to help her crumbling sister, until the blonde man spoke up.

“We have a Doctor, with an office and everything!” He practically yelled. “If you go back to our Community, she can get the treatment she needs.”

Ava reluctantly tore her gaze away from Enid, taking in the pair of men before her. Surprisingly, they looked just as panicked as Ava felt, as if they knew Enid their whole lives as well. It gave Ava the smallest spark of hope.

“You better not be bullshitting.” Her voice came out more broken than Ava expected.

The redhead couched down in front of Ava, putting a comforting hand out to her as he spoke.

“You don’t have to like us, but you need to trust us,” He coaxed, his voice much gentler than his partner’s. “We can save her.”

That was all Ava needed as she scooped Enid up into her arms and followed the pair out of the forest.