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frecklystars · 1 year

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I have more Ken-questions for you! What did he do that made you laugh the hardest? What part made your heart soar the most? What part was the cutest? What was the best outfit?

🥺🥺🥺 AWWWWWWWW...... thank you so much for asking!! I LOVE talking about my sweet boy, I really can't get enough -- or should I say... Kenough™ HAHA AM I RIGHT-- [gets yanked off the stage]

What made me laugh the hardest?? Oh my gosh... there's so many moments to choose from... that's like, nearly every line he says... I gotta list a few, I can't pick just one!

There's that scene where Barbie says "you're very brave, Ken", and he WHIPS HIS HEAD AROUND SO FAST. And just stares at her for a long moment before saying breathlessly, hand over his heart, "thank you, Barbie." It makes me laugh because there's NO music, you just hear the creak of the medical table and you see him whipping his head so quickly I'm shocked he doesn't sprain himself. Then, even more dead silence, him just staring at her with widened eyes for a few more moments. That scene will make me laugh so much that it's kind of concerning. I don't think that scene is supposed to be as funny as my brain is taking it. I will be inconsolable every time that scene shows. I have to try to laugh as silently as possible in the theater as if I'm not fucking dying. Afterward the way Doctor Barbie says to him "and what a GOOD JOB you do at beach :)" her tone is not unlike the way someone praises their dog for being a good boi 😭💖

The expression he makes when dancing next to Barbie. my god. it makes me crack up every single time 😂 I couldn't get a good screenshot without it being blurry, but here is a gifset of the scene. and the little disappointed rejected dance he did when walking away during girl's night makes me giggle...

Can't forget ☆ "SUBLIME!" ☆ because that made me laugh so hard the first time I heard it in the theater, I had tears in my eyes

Ken walking away from Barbie and staring at her the entire time. His swagger in his stride. The little "not now, Margaret" imitation he did. The growl when Barbie told him not to get into trouble and his excited "I'm gonna see if there's any books on trucks :D" smile DROPS into a snarled "I WOOOOON'T!!!!!" A lot of moments in his western outfit were hilarious. Oh my God. "Do you have the time?" "You respect me?" The -- what was that little bow/tip of his hat when he walked away saying "I shall seek my fortune there" for!!! god everything he did in the real world was just so fucking funny

So many other things made me laugh so hard I was wheezing but I'd better stop here.

What part made my heart soar the most??? Oh my goshhh ummm... wow lots of parts... I think the time I can feel my heart really physically swelling in my chest, genuinely to the point where I am SO FULL OF LOVE that I can't help but SIGH it all out of me, every single time, is when I'm Just Ken is playing. Especially when they show that move in the beginning where he folds his hands over his chest, and when he's rolling his fists toward the camera. OH. And when he's crossing his hands over his face while running, showing that he's hiding/running from his own vulnerability as he suppresses his emotions while falling further and further into toxic masculinity... I'm sighing a LOT during that song but I know it's consistent when it comes to those three scenes specifically.

THE CUTEST! THE CUTEST THE CUTEST SCENE EVER THE CUTEST IS HIM GIVING BARBIE THOSE PUPPYDOG EYES WHEN HE SAYS "HEY BARBIE. CHECK ME OUT 🥺" AND THIS NERVOUS BREATH HE TAKES TO PREPARE HIMSELF ... and when he pleads Barbie "what if there's beach? 🥺" and the little smile he gives her after. oh my god. oh my goddd!!!! and the HUGE smile when he asks "can I sit in the front?" 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 AND THE PROMO PHOTOS WHEN HE'S LOOKING AT HER SO FONDLY AND AND AND WHEN HE'S 🥺🥺🥺🥺 SMILING SO BIG JUST SO HAPPY TO HOLD HIS GIRLFRIEND 🥺🥺🥺

THE BEST OUTFIT??? Oh. Okay. Okay. Okay. I have many favorites. My Ultimate Favorite™ changes everyday, rotating between his denim outfit, sailor outfit, faux mink, western outfit (I love the swagger in his step when he wears it)... also LOVE the all black in I'm Just Ken, also when he wears nothing but pants in the beginning of that song while dramatically sitting on the bed slkfjsfsdf I love so many of his outfits. His Barbie jumpsuit... his camper van shirt... that swirled magenta & blue shirt he wears when he's standing at Barbie's pool... the iconic Kenough™ sweater... basically anything he wears, I'm looking at him with big ol' heart eyes and appreciating them all for one reason or another 😍😍😍😍😍😍

I MUST mention that I have a certain fondness for his... I call it his "lightning jacket"? I think he looks so soft in it. I wanna hug him so bad. I know he's the BIGGEST ASSHOLE during the scene when he's playing the guitar at Barbie for 4 hours straight (a song about an unhealthy relationship, no less) but hear me out: he looks SO hot while doing it 😩 I like to imagine him having a protective, even somewhat possessive arm around me when he wears this jacket, his collar barely covering my sparkly lipstick mark on his neck. He'd learn all of Nick Blaemire's songs on that guitar just for me, I KNOW it!!! I think I'd pick this outfit to be my Top Favorite if I was forced to pick just one...

I always think about him giving me his necklace too, because of Ryan saying in the "Top Ken Things" video "who knows, maybe one day, you'll get the baddest Barbie in the game to wear your chain" and I rly rly RLY love to think about him being SO PROUD to put that pendant around my neck and he tells me to wear it everywhere I go so everyone (especially the other Kens) knows I belong to him. Even when the patriarchy thing is over and he's somewhat "better" (I cannot bring myself to say the word "redeemed") he says to me "you don't have to wear it, Keri, I know I messed up and I lost your trust" and I'm like "no bitch are you kidding this thing is mine forever wtf no take-backs!!! my love is unconditional babygirl!!!! now let's get you some therapy <3"

Anon, YOU ARE SO SWEET!!!!! Thank you so much for letting me ramble about my Ken 🥺 my sweet boy 🥺 my stallion 🥺 my EVERYTHING!!!!!! 🥺🥺🥺 god this was so fun to write and my heart kept squeezing in my chest and I smiled every time I took screenshots... thank you thank you thank youuuu I LOVE getting any chance to ramble about Ken and this movie just in general!!!!! 🥰🥰🥰🥰💖💖💖💖💖💖

#anonymous #asks #keepsake #love notes #barbie movie #ken #💕 I'll fight for you!! - ̗̀🐎🏖️✨ ̖́-#long post #i spent like 2 hours last night taking screenshots and then getting distracted #SIGHING LIKE A LOVESICK FOOL #FEELS SO GOOD TO BE IN LOVE AGAINNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 💖💓💞💞💝💝💟💘💝💗💗💗💞💓#love notes: ken ♡

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mrs-nate-humphrey · 3 years

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I am curious: what are your favorite scenes from your main ships (date, dair, derena...)?

scenes involving milo don't count, sorry!

for me, it's really not just scenes, but body language & just in general, how they are with each other, you know? dan and serena grin at each other and hug SO much, you can tell that being around each other in s1 made them both so happy, and even after that glow fades the way they look for comfort in each other... top level stuff. the way blair looks at dan... we never see her as radiant at any other point. she was not looking at anyone else like this. and gosh, dan and nate. they're both so comfortable around each other that there's absolutely nothing weird about like. discussing that one ex girlfriend whom they both share AND both were in love with. there is literally no other duo who trusts/enjoys each other's company so much that they're comfortable in a love triangle. (probably because they're more in love with each other than with the girl, but that is not the point. or is it?)

anyway, more specific answers. under the cut. this is one of the longest answers i've ever written on this blog possibly but you KNEW that would happen when you sent this ask, didn't you? (affectionate)

derena: i tagged one of my ds reblogs as 'the grumpy one is soft for the sunshine one' and like. look at them! this hug from 1x10 kills me in the best way. they are both the literal embodiment of :D when they see each other! i love 1x10 as a whole moment, their entire thing at cotillion is so sweet and they're both so happy. the fact that he is talking about his chemistry teacher during this kiss in 1x07. that bit at the end of 1x05 when they talk about their siblings (being there for their sibling because of fallible parents being a derena parallel makes me simultaneously really sad and really soft, tbh). 1x05 gives me SO MUCH SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT but the way they walk off together arms around each other does something to me - these are two people who are still getting to know each other but who really like what they see, and who trust each other and. are just having a good time together! back when derena was my OTP, the 1x11 "your story's about me?" was absolutely a fave, too, and i still adore it, albeit in a different, more nostalgic way. i like a dan who writes cute stories about serena. no empty shell sabrina van skoneker bullshit. she is so much like you, daniel! you'd be shattered if she did this to you. don't do this to her. tbh, most derena moments from s1 are just A+ romance. the bit in 2x02 in the jitney is so funny, they're SO bad at being exes. the bit in... 3x03 i think?? i don't remember... on the contrary. when they're talking about dan's fling w/ georgina and serena's relationship with carter, the ease with which they talk and how happy/supportive they are of each other's new relationships... yeah. love to see it.

i also really like any instance of them having honest/open conversations. 1x13, talking about how serena is concerned about blair. 1x08, serena talking to dan about feeling jealous of vanessa. this bit from the touch of eva or whatever that episode is. 4x04 i think. this is the conversation everyone is trying to get dan to have and he's avoiding EVERYONE else. derena interactions in 3x21 (can't find a gif right now) - the fact that dan is with serena when her dad abandons them, the fact that he goes all the way there with her. 2x07, "i'm really glad you're nate's friend. he really needs someone like you right now" (though i'm cheating, that's technically a d/n moment too klhdflkgf). there's a bit in s4 where he's advising her against having an affair w/ colin, i don't remember the ep number, but the way he takes her side so easily and naturally and puts due blame/responsibility solely on her professor... yeah. 4x10 i think this ep is?? idk. but like my tags say, im sentimental about this moment because while what dan was doing was irresponsible, sneaking her out of the ostroff, he was the only person in this episode who was actually talking to her and listening to her and taking her seriously. nobody else was doing that!!

i probably have more moments i'm not remembering, but we're only 1/3 into this answer and LOOK AT THE WORDS, good lord, i'm sorry.

dair: my favourite dair episode is hands down despicable b (5x21) which i have heard is an uncommon answer. i just love the conflict resolution of it all, okay!!! 1x04 & 2x08 are like. standard answers any dair shipper will give, and i'm no different. i love dan being able to give blair advice and blair actually taking his advice even though they're not friends yet!!! be right back, yelling at the intimacy of it all!! 5x16, with their getting together (this little kiss and dan being so startled by it), blair admitting a flaw she genuinely does have and dan saying it's not awful because it's her, which is just. romance at its finest. those vows, good lord. 5x18.... they're having fun! blair showing up at the loft in lingerie for dan... the delight on her face.... (i know this moment blows up in their face but when she's there she looks so happy and proud of herself and this was like THE moment when i was like. oh. dair is really the heart of this garbage show huh).

i think for me, the thing that really sells dan & blair together is the serena of it all. both of them love serena more fiercely than anyone else, and that is what brings them together. (fwiw i definitely think nate loved serena this much and this deeply, too; the writers just wanted to pop the serenate balloon, which even i think was extremely unnecessary and ooc.) but (& i have so much meta about this) their relationship grows beyond serena. their entire s4 arc is SO good. i love how comfortable around each other they are, in such an adult way, in the sense of like. they both bring so much stability to each other? morgan tagged this edit "the marrieds" and like. yeah. b offers to help him shave. they're having breakfast & reading the paper together.

all the love declarations we got that weren't a simple 'i love you.' be your charming wonderful self (how could she not love you/ tell me what would make you happy, dan) i told chuck he doesn't have my heart anymore (you spent your life earning the keys to set you free when you were free all along!!!!) dan's pep talk to blair in 5x21 (already linked a gifset earlier, here's another one if you want i guess). there's definitely more... but honestly, the way the dair arc was executed was so good - while i do have my complaints, i also think keeping those aside, it was SO close to perfect. i love dan & blair's banter and gradually becoming closer and closer and closer. it felt very organic and real and GOSH. the way penn & leighton looked at each other while playing dan and blair...... it's just SO MUCH.

date: this is the hardest, because it's. *screams*. maybe you saw me losing my mind over those 2 seconds of nate handing dan a waffle? i love almost every scene with these two, even the hellish s6 breakup scene. my favourite episode for d/n (& also favourite gg episode in general) is 2x06 - i love the homoerotic subtext of it all. nate pretending to be dan because dan's name is the first name that came to his head. dan flirting w/ nate while tied to that thing, in his underwear. them becoming friends. and 2x07 as a follow-up to that! dan getting nate to live in the loft with the humphreys for a while. i am so soft.

4x09 is a terrible episode in general, especially for serena my beloved, but the d/n moments in that one? off the CHARTS. this weird overly macho flirting, in some ways THE most iconic d/n line. this entire finish each other's sentences nonsense. someone (i think it was ana but im not sure?) compared the energy of those scenes i just linked to the book blairenate love triangle resolution, blairena choosing each other over nate in the books, date choosing each other over serena in the show (if only! RIP.) after the saints & sinners ball, this cute little moment of 'youre the only one who understands me. please tell me they went home together. i mean. how could they not have.

3x07, them watching vampire porn together. a tag i used on ao3 (& also on here, once) is 'nate brings out the himbo in dan'. here is a prime example. 'is she levitating?' i don't fucking know, dan, what do you think?? (i was telling my partner that that's what i love abt dair vs date. around blair dan is an intellectual, a librarian, an art historian, a museum curator. around nate it's like dan is competing to be #1 himbo on the show. can my girlfriend actually fly? i don't know, dan. i can't believe you're seriously asking such a question.)

3x12 pep talk. (sorry about the shitty quality!) essentially nate telling dan that he (dan) is hot and that he shouldn't talk himself down so much.

dan making nate gay in his book. you know. his book from which blair found out he was in love with her. nads (who i will not tag in this billion word long gushy meta, because i value her sanity) once called inside "wish fulfilment' and. i mean. yeah

nate checking dan out at the derena wedding continues to be hilarious. hilarious in the same way as dan sexually fantasising about nate. canon really went 'let's give ivy some special easter eggs' and i appreciate them a lot!

i love the way they are around each other - so quietly attuned to each other. i showed my sister my date!husbands gifset, and she was like. yeah they're so married. and it's just stuff like how dan looks for nate over his shoulder, it's not even an active action, it's as easy and natural and intuitive as breathing, checking to see if nate is still there.

oh, that wasn't as hard as it could've been! okay. cool. im SURE there's more things i could scream about, because it's DN, the fact that they're non-canon makes me THAT much fiercer about them than dair/derena, to be honest. so many dots to connect!! anyway.

#meta #derena #dair #date #anon #this is SUCH a gushy essay but like. what did you expect #how else could i have answered this #this took. an embarrassingly long amount of time #but i had SO much fun so #citations for my ships #don't mind me *whistles under my breath*

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normal-thoughts-official · 4 years

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Thoughts on rizzy 👀

jdndkdndidndidn ok so if u wanted a rizzy-positive answer...... avert ur eyes

the one thing positive (?) i can say about rizzy is that it really brought us some of the softest raphael moments, but i also lowkey hate that cuz wow, we really got him to talk about his sister, his past, see some of his interests, his softness, his pains, his smiles because of rizzy... so it's all related to rizzy 💀 which is why you might see some gifsets from rizzy scenes in my blog, i think this might have been what brought this on. i enjoy those scenes as scenes that establish raphael's character, but not as rizzy

and shoutout to sh as usual for only bothering with giving a coc depth, backstory, desires and etc when they were someone's love interest and then dropping them like a hot potato. like bro imagine if they had at least bothered with keeping raphael's characterisation consistent? id be over the moon already. if they had actually made him a person like when rizzy was a thing for the whole show on top of that?? fuck i think id explode in happiness

other than that..... i hate everything about it. and like, it being based on addiction aside (which is already, like, bad, but i could maybe ship them in an alternate reality where the addiction wasn't a thing and they were fine if it was only that), the whole thing was literally Izzy Treats Raphael Like Shit And Then Raphael Is Villainized For It

im not even gonna get into the whole "raphael is blamed for the yin fen thing for some fucking reason when that was not his fucking fault and no one questions this" thing because ive done it before and i might explode with rage if i do, lol. that fucking plotline would have never been handled like that if raphael wasn't latino and therefore a predator drug dealer stereotype. but ANYWAY

those are the two things that i see anti rizzy shippers talking about the most, but those are actually not what bothers me the most. what really drives me up the wall and is just vomiting emoji is the way izzy treats raphael. that's the dealbreaker for me and something that never gets acknowledged

like, for starters, raphael was once again shown to be one of the most caring and selfless characters in this piece of shit stupid show, when he saved izzy's life when she was stupid enough to actually go to a vampire den. she had done nothing but be shitty to him and the vampires up to that point, mind you (which some ppl in this fandom treat as like #GirlPower or something) but he still saved her life for no reason other than that was the right thing to do

and then she immediately, the same second, tried to trigger him into drinking her blood. and he kept telling her no and pushing her away and she was literally GRABBING him and slitting her wrist and then he caved, at great personal cost, which she didn't care about

fine

then we get her going after him again, and raphael, again, being the caring and selfless bastard that he is, does something so monumentally kind and dangerous that it still blows me away: he tells her about his addiction

and i know that ppl in this fandom love to act as if every single thing raphael did for the sake of other characters, particularly the shadowhunters and simon, is just, like, expected and no big deal. but raphael didn't owe izzy that. he didn't have to tell izzy that. hell, he didn't even have to save izzy's life when she went to the den, for all he knew it was all a trick or something. and telling her, someone he doesn't even know, a shadowhunter, not only one of his greatest secrets, not only one of his greatest vulnerabilities, but the single hardest and most painful moment of his life, a whole can of worms about his past that he just bared to her just like that, was just. so much. it was such a huge thing that he did for her, okay. and let's not forget that raphael is a private person, both for survival and because he just is

he basically opened up his biggest wound and showed it to her only because it could bring her some sort of comfort. it wouldn't even help her greatly. it wouldn't even change anything about her situation. it would bring just maybe a little bit of comfort and advice, at great personal cost, way greater than the good it would bring her. and he still did it, because raphael cares, especially when he sees someone going through something he went through as well. just so he could tell her that it gets better, that she's not alone. that he understands

and she fucking!! immediately!!!! uses that against him!!!!!! and continues to try to trigger his addiction again and again and again and again!!!! may i just say, WHAT THE FUCK

EVERY SINGLE TIME she tries to get him to drink her blood, it's not consensual, it's forced. he always hesitates, always tries to push her away, always turns his head. and she just pushes him anyway. even after she knows that he's been through this before. that it almost destroyed him. she knows exactly what she's triggering and bringing on, and she! does! it! anyway!!

watching some of the rizzy scenes, particularly the one where they are cooking together, makes me want to cry for him, because it's so obvious that what he's looking for is a deeper connection, someone to trust, to love, and what she's looking for is someone to satisfy her need. and look, i know addiction is terrible. but he's ALSO addicted. and again, i've met plenty of ppl who struggled with addiction, and they were able of, you know, not treating others like this

it drives me crazy! raphael lets her into his home, teaches her how to cook, opens up about the SINGLE SECRET ABOUT HIM THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT EXCEPT FOR MAGNUS, and generally tries to have a good time with her, and not only does she immediately make his attempt at having a meaningful bonding time about him drinking her blood, but does it RIGHT AFTER HE TELLS HER ABOUT HIS SISTER??? it literally goes "here is my deepest most important secret that pains me greatly and is destroying me inside. oh, i said too much. i should have kept my mouth shut" "i'd rather you didn't *slits own wrist and makes him drink her blood*". like, girl, at least a word of comfort first??? a "you can tell me whatever you like"? an "i'm fucking sorry for your loss" maybe???????????? SHE TREATED HIM LIKE AN OBJECT

and also SHOUT THE FUCK OUT to "i didn't take you for a community service kind of guy", which granted is a minor thing to be upset about in the middle of this shitstorm, but still makes me want to rip my hair off. girl!! he's been doing nothing ever since you first met but helping you selflessly and getting only PAIN in return. like is she for real??? he went out of his way SO many times to help her, when he had NO reason to, not a single one. and she's still like "oh wow raphael cares about others?? im shocked" UDBDIDNDKSMSOSNSOSNSISBSUSBDUDBDIDNDIDNDI ARE YOU SERIOUSSSS

it's really such a revealing moment to me because it really shows that she didn't give any thought about everything he'd done for her. all the endless kindness and care, in the literal sense of TAKING CARE OF, that he offered her without a second thought. she never stopped to think about what it cost him. the fact that he didn't OWE IT TO HER, and thus it says something about his CHARACTER, because he CHOSE to help her. over and over and over again!!! AFTER SHE BETRAYED HIM MORE THAN ONCE. it never even crossed her mind! she just took it for granted, like it's what he was supposed to do, or something

and then!!!!!!! even after they go their separate ways!! and raphael is STILL caring for her and making sure she's okay! she decides to betray him one last time and have simon threaten his sister!!! and ill be honest i dont remember the reason for this, but i do remember that it wasn't fucking life and death, so like!!! it was just unnecessarily cruel and shitty of her and the biggest FUCK YOU to him and his trust. AND IT WASN'T NECESSARY AT ALL. like. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

and at this point izzy was recovering so it's just like. i get that before that we were literally seeing izzy at her ugliest, she even fought alec and said some shit that she definitely didn't mean at all and that was shitty and hurtful. so like obviously we were seeing izzy in her darkest, worst, most selfish, most hurt. which is why i can maybe cut her some slack for some shit (also i just realized i literally forgot that she straight up THREATENED HIM WITH A KNIFE god there is really So Much To Unpack Here), but at that point? at that point she had no excuse. she was recovering. this didn't even have anything to do with her addiction anyway. she was just proving that raphael's trust, his care, his fucking feelings, they meant nothing to her

like seriously! she could at least have the decency to go, after raphael was very obviously kind and considerate to me, maybe i should not conspire against him and bring forward his most important secret? i don't think i'm asking her for much here

and it also ends a circle of raphael opening up to her and trusting her and she betraying that trust EVERY SINGLE TIME! the literal single only thing he told her that she didn't use against him was his asexuality. which look, thank god, cuz that would have been way too ugly and uncalled for, but the bar is low here

(ok, maybe rizzy gets a shoutout for having raphael's asexuality be treated so naturally. especially coming from such an overtly sexual character like izzy. it was nice to have that. i also think that her whole line about how for the first time sex wasn't a big part of a relationship for her could have been explored in so many interesting ways. like it is obvious that izzy uses her sexuality as a way to gain confidence and prove her value and it would be cool to see that being addressed beyond throwaway lines, maybe talk a bit about hypersexualization of woc. but this is shadowhunters we're talking about so of course nah)

so like okay izzy gets a Not An Aphobe But Still Shitty badge for basically using raphael like he existed to provide her. and in short this is why i can't get into rizzy, not even in a very very alternate reality where it all went different and the way they met had nothing to do with addiction. because she really didn't care enough about him and he deserves so much better than this

and again, i know that izzy was at her damn lowest in that point, but i think that even if she weren't, ultimately their incompatibility still lies there - raphael is too selfless and izzy is not attuned to that. she would take what he offered and not really spare it a thought, even if she didn't mean to like, Use Him (cuz i dont think izzy meant to use him even in canon), like it was just expected. and he wouldn't point that out. and it would be. ugh

and yeah i think that summarizes my thoughts dudndjdn im sorry for the angry very long rant, i just started talking and it all was pouring out suddenly. i promise im not mad, i just...... have strong feelings about this whole thing

#anti rizzy #anti izzy lightwood #anti sh #anti sh fandom #salt #discourse #ask #anonymous #long post

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saltykong · 4 years

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Hello All! ❁ I hope you have been well and that you have been staying safe~ This is going to be one LONG message, but I hope it reaches you ♥

I started this Tumblr blog in the height of my struggles in life. Not knowing what I wanted to do, failing at what I thought I was meant to do, and even finding myself becoming more lonesome with no way out. That is when KPOP came in. I think it’s safe to say many of us came to KPOP whether we were in a similar internal struggle or even wanted to escape to something that sounded and felt new to what we knew growing up. That is exactly what it was for me. KPOP was used as a means of escape from the troubles I was having. Through those troubles, I met VIXX. These six boys, having a sound like no other. Their concepts, instrumentals, outfits, all of it was always heavily in-tune with their theme, creating some of the most amazing discography, music videos and stages I have ever seen. VIXX aren’t concept kings for nothing. In that, my bias became Hongbin. A sassy, and sometimes blunt but well-meaning individual that was, unfortunately, often ignored by his company on his musical talents. Instead he was placed in the box of, “visuals.” This isn’t a bad thing but to him, he wanted to be more than just a “face.” He was also the least popular and most ignored member when I joined the fandom. But he didn’t let this stop him and continually pushed to be seen. It was this determination and drive that I wanted to support. Hongbin was the underdog and in my own struggles, I wanted to be one too. I created what can jokingly be called a “shrine” to my comfort kpop boy. I wanted him to be seen more by the fandom in someway and so I picked up learning to make gifs, understanding Photoshop, and even learning basic HTML. In fact, because of this blog, I found a love and passion for web development and coding. It was something I liked to do, even if I wasn’t that good at it. It was hard but I was able to switch gears from a Biology degree to one that was Computer Science focused, despite many in my life saying that wasn’t possible. With that, I found a new path with new struggles but I persevered through it, just as Hongbin had been doing with each new single and album. 2019 was arguably Hongbin’s year. Coming off from the high that was the Eau de VIXX album and Scentist single, Hongbin started to stream on Twitch because he loves video games and wanted to share that. He also was in a drama and on a variety show. Not to mention that he saved Summer 2019 with “COOL LOVE,” a collaborative effort with MONSTA X’s Hyungwon. I wanted 2019 to be my year as well and worked hard at it. Simultaneously, I created projects, graduated university with a CS degree and got a job within the first three months. I had been fortunate in my endeavors. But with more responsibilities, this blog in recent years has been lacking content. I haven’t made anything on here in two years and I feel bad about that. Every time I want to come back, I don’t ever have a drive to do it. There may be a chance that I feel like I’ve outgrown Tumblr. I apologize for thinking like this. Now let’s talk about what has happened in recent months. Hongbin, yet again, found himself in a messy situation. There is a cycle when it comes to Hongbin where he will do something that is unfavorable, he will leave on hiatus, and then he will comeback. Hongbin stans will know, we go MONTHS without hearing from him or seeing him. It’s an unfortunate situation to be in but I truly believe Hongbin stans are some of the strongest people in this fandom because of it. This recent situation was not what we were expecting. Hongbin ended up in a bad situation again and had been gone since March. He finally popped up again two weeks ago, much to everyones surprise. This was a moment of happiness that was short lived due to the following news that arrived. Hongbin would be leaving VIXX. It feels unnatural to even be typing that sentence but here we are. I don’t know what happened to come to this decision but I felt fatigued from that news. I couldn’t concentrate on work, I talked to everyone about how I was feeling, and even took a brief hiatus from social media. It seems dramatic to feel like this about someone I don’t know but again, he is the reason I worked as hard as I did to be were I am. I’m sure many of you understand this emotion. I came to the resolution that, although it hurts, if Jellyfish wasn’t going to help him or promote him, it was probably best he leaves. He would definitely become popular on Twitch. But the moment I had resolved that, he came in with more news that would break the wall. He would be enlisting as early as today, August 17-18th 2020. This one did not hurt as much because I believed it would be best he go early to get it out of the way. Him leaving VIXX was unseen however. Hongbin stans have had it the hardest, I hope you all, even non-Bean stans, are taking care of yourselves and doing your best to stay positive. I guess with this extremely long note I wanted to say that I don’t think I will be active on this blog for a while. I’m not on Tumblr everyday anymore and with Hongbin leaving VIXX, content won’t be as easily available or gif-able. I’ve grown a little tired as well and I truly don’t think I have enough space in my computer anyways. I will leave my blog open so that if anyone wants to see some interesting gifsets with Hongbin or even if a new baby STARLIGHT comes across content or is seeking it, it’s there. The only thing I hope people can protect my gifs from being stolen. Many gif-makers have this issue and I’m not any special to be asking of this but I don’t think people understand how long and arduous the process to create them are. We sacrifice a lot of computer space and run our systems hard to start up our programs to make them. Not to mention we hunt for videos constantly and even sacrifice sleep to be able to get performances live sometimes. Then there is the compliance with Tumblrs gif limits to take into account. Some times there is a lack of creativity or individualism in content, so we constantly brainstorm to give the fandom something fresh for their own blogs. It’s extremely tedious to make them but the satisfaction of not only creating them, but having people interact with them and share them, makes the process worth it. You don’t know, but every single person that reblogs my gifs, I tend to go to that persons page to look at their interests and read their tags. Thank you to those that write in the tags of my posts, I find enjoyment from reading them. If I can say, I trust my gifs with STARLIGHT fandom, please don’t let them be stolen or used unnecessarily. This is my gift to you. ❤ As for gif-making, the one thing I regret is that I didn’t finish a particular series I was working on. That doesn’t mean I won’t come back to finish it however, just not right at this moment. As for mutuals, much of them migrated off the platform at the same time as me. But I just want to thank them and the STARLIGHTS who were especially close to me and lent an ear when all I wanted to do was talk about Hongbin. I’ve made some of the greatest friends through VIXX. Thank you for being there. The VIXX fandom gave me something to work for, to look forward to, and what could be improved. Coming on to Tumblr after so long, I am so happy that my efforts and the efforts of other blogs that were there when I was, made more people become Hongbin fans and even birthed new and talented gif-makers. Thank you for being the next bunch to push it forward. Lastly, thank you to all the people that follow me. I did my best to interact with all of you as much as I could, and even now, thank you for supporting my work. You are the reason I do what I do, and I hope it inspires you in some way too. I wish Hongbin a safe military stint and hope he comes back with a fresh and new perspective on what he wants to do. Thank you Hongbin for what you have inspired me and others to do. You can now follow me on Twitter if you still want to see what I’m up to, there are changes coming there as well but I hope you do follow. I will always support VIXX, even as a five-man group but, VIXX will always be SIX to me. Thank you for everything, I hope to come back to this blog one day to create again.

#personal #this is LONG omggg but its important #sorry if it feels a bit off here and there i suck at writing LOL

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danswank · 4 years

Text

@ashtcnirwin tagged me in this new tag.. tag? ok lol this is LONG but i do not know how to do a cut on mobile so sorry you have to scroll through my rambling

1. what was your first encounter with fanfiction?

me and fanfiction go way back lmao. i can’t remember the exact fic that i first read but i used to write high school musical fiction on fanfiction.net (troy/sharpay if YOU WERE WONDERING) and i believe i dabbled in writing hannah montana as well. i couldn’t tell you what my username was but i hope no one finds it there’s a reason i don’t write anymore 🙃

2. your favourite creation of your own of all time if you create stuff (feel free to link it)?

ok fun! i am really proud of this embroidery and this gifset.

3. what vibe are you going for with your home decor (or what vibe do you wanna go for one day, if you don’t have your own place atm)?

i just have whatever rn because i have a tiny apartment that i share with a roommate but i love a rustic kitchen and a brick wall and also pink.

4. first fandom you ever joined? what was it like? on what platform did it happen?

who’s to say lol. like it was probably high school musical, i remember being on a zac efron FORUM (i am OLD). by the time tumblr came around, i think my main fandom was glee, but also like the maine and all time low.

5. what are your sun, moon and rising signs, and do you think they make sense in relation to how you know yourself?

sun: sagittarius, moon: pisces, rising: scorpio

i always used to be so salty because i’m a sag cusp and i relate so much more to scorpio and really not to sagittarius at all but when i look at them together and since i’ve started to be more self-reflective as i’ve gotten older i think it makes sense esp my pisces moon. so many of my friends are pisces. it makes sense lol

6. if you write and/or read fiction (original or fanfiction), do the tropes/plots/character types you typically seek out to read and/or write about reflect something about you as a being or how you see the world?

probably. 😂 like does my love for fluff reflect the fact that i haven’t been in a relationship in years and am desperate for attention?? probably

7. what is the hardest obstacle you’ve had to overcome so far in life?

this is tough because i honestly feel pretty privileged when it comes to most things in my life. but i would say my anxiety. i was having trouble leaving my house this year (pre-covid so... then i got my wish) and really working on that in therapy and i think i came a long way. until covid lol.

8. what is your all time favourite song(s)?

saving grace - the maine (my #1 song. feels like home)

before the storm - jonas brothers and miley cyrus

this means war - marianas trench

hell no - ingrid michaelson

monster - dodie

no shame - 5sos

i mean i could literally go on forever but that’s what came to my mind first

9. what do you look for in a person you wanna keep in your life, be it a friend or a romantic partner or anything in between?

people who share my passions or at least my passionate energy, people who are kind and aren’t quick to judge others.

10. this is a bit of a difficult one, but have you ever had a moment of clarity, a conversation with someone that made you go “oh!”, or anything along those lines?

i really had to think about this. but definitely had some breakthroughs with my therapist earlier this year. i remember learning that like fear and excitement are basically the same emotion, or illicit the same response. and that made a lot of sense to me.

thanks for doing this @ashtcnirwin! that was fun ☺️

i’m tagging @lifewasradical @sexgodashton & @calmfolklore

#about me #a long one - but fun!!!

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myemergence · 5 years

Text

Lean on Me

Summary: After they don’t get the results that they hoped for with radiation, Michael starts to consider brain surgery to treat his cancer. The aftermath leaves May struggling, afraid to lose her dad. Buck is worried, determined to make May see that she’s not alone.

Or, the one where Buck is a big brother to May.

Author’s note: I was scrolling through tumblr the other day and saw this gifset of Bobby/Buck after Bobby’s scare in 3a, and then Michael/May in 3b - it inspired me to write this. I hope you enjoy it.

BIG thanks to Nicole for the beta!

Check me out on AO3

“Hey, Chim, do you mind if I take home some of this birthday cake for Harry and May?” Bobby asks. He closes the lid to the box that contains the rest of Chimney’s cake from the crew’s small birthday celebration at the firehouse.

“Sure,” Chim says unenthusiastically, pushing the cake around with his fork in disinterest, “knock yourself out.”

“How are they doing?” Buck looks up from his plate, his gaze settles on Bobby, a look of concern softening his features. “How’s Michael?”

“Uh,” Bobby hesitates, “he’s upbeat, he’s fighting. Radiation was supposed to be his best shot, now we’re all grappling with putting our hopes on his next best shot, surgery.”

“How are the kids handling it?” Eddie asks from where he sits beside Chimney at the table, turning his attention to their captain.

“I think Harry’s doing okay, it’s May I’m worried about. She’s got a better understanding of what’s going on,” Bobby explains.

“She’s the oldest sibling,” Chim interjects, “older siblings don’t get to be blissfully ignorant, they have to be the realists.” They continue to talk as they clear the rest of the mess, and Hen joins everyone at the table.

Buck purses his lips, and he hesitates briefly. In every way that matters, the one-eighteen has become his family over the last few years. Aside from his family at the firehouse, Maddie is all he has. So the blood that courses through his veins is one-eighteen strong. That also means that his concern for the youngest members of the one-eighteen family runs deep. “Is there anything we can do? I mean if there is anything you can think of that might help, just name it.”

“Thanks, Buck, I appreciate that- I just don’t even know what is the best thing for them right now. If I think of anything, I’ll let you know.”

Buck pauses, then nods his head. “Sounds good, Cap.”

Buck thinks about how he can help the Grant children from the moment the conversation shifts to Karen and Hen fostering. He tries to think of some elaborate way to let May know she’s not alone, that he’s been there. That’s how Buck finds himself standing outside of Bobby and Athena’s home, knocking on their door a few days later.

Bobby pulls open the front door, a look of surprise on his face when he sees Buck. “Hey, Bobby, sorry to drop over unannounced.”

Bobby shakes his head, “Come in.” Buck steps into the house, and Bobby closes the door behind him.

“So, you’re probably wondering why I’m here.”

“The thought did cross my mind,” Bobby says with a light laugh. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“No, I’m good,” Buck glances around, sees May sitting at the dining room table and, despite the fact that she has earbuds in, talks in a loud whisper to Bobby. “I, uh, I actually came to see May.”

“Oh, wh-” Bobby begins to ask what he has to talk to May about, but stops when Buck looks at him more closely, his intent clear. Bobby leads the way to the dining room and Buck follows. May seems wrapped up in her Instagram feed, and Bobby attempts to draw her attention. “Hey, May? Look who stopped by.”

May forces a tight smile, pulling one of the earbuds out. “Hey,” She moves, as though to put the earbud back in place.

“May,” Buck starts, “I actually came to ask you a favor.” May stops, setting the earbud down on the table, and takes the other one out, before turning her attention to Buck.

“A favor?” She looks at Buck quizzically.

Buck pulls out his cell phone. “I’ve been toying with the idea of getting a cat for weeks, and I just can’t decide which one I want. The shelter has quite a few.” He swipes through the photos and shows them to May.

A small smile tugs at the corner of May’s mouth, “That one is cute.” She motions towards his phone, looking at a gray short-haired kitten.

Buck scratches the back of his head. “Are you busy for the next few hours? Maybe you could come with me? I’m terrible at making decisions.”

“Oh, I don’t know, Buck, I need to do some cleaning before my mom gets back.”

“Go ahead, May. Harry and I have you covered,” Bobby promises as he steps out of the dining room and into the kitchen.

Buck flashes a smile, “So, what do you say?” He looks at May hopefully. He really wants her to come out with him. Being a teenager is not easy, and being a teenager with an ill family member is even harder. He thinks back to what Chim said earlier, about older siblings having to face the truth and not be blissfully ignorant. Although Chim was referencing his current situation with Albert, he knows that what was said earlier wasn’t untrue either.

May is silent for a minute, and he is sure that she’s going to say no. “Alright, I guess a couple of hours couldn’t hurt. I’m just going to go grab my purse.” Buck beams.

Buck stops in the kitchen where Bobby pretends to be cleaning. Buck rests a light hand on his shoulder. “She’s gonna be alright, Bobby,” he promises.

Bobby breathes out and turns to look at Buck. He looks like he’s searching for the right words, then finally settles on, “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Buck says, “she’s family.” He steps out of the kitchen so that he can wait at the door for May.

A few minutes later, Buck’s Jeep pulls out of the driveway and onto the road as they head in the direction of the animal shelter. “I appreciate you helping me out.”

May locks the screen on her phone and lets out a small sigh at his words. “You don’t have to pretend this is me helping you out with something, Buck.” She levels him with a serious look, which he catches out of the corner of his eye. Buck almost chuckles because it is so clear at that moment that she is Athena’s daughter.

“I’m not pretending anything.”

May sighs. “So you’re telling me that Bobby didn’t put you up to this? Or my mom?”

“No, they didn’t,” Buck says honestly, then adds, “but they are worried about you.”

“I’m not going to break. You didn’t need to take me out just to make sure that I’m okay.” May says with a roll of her eyes, glancing out the passenger window.

“Not just to make sure you’re okay,” Buck says and then chuckles, “I really need someone to help me with this.” He reminds her, laughing lightly as he pulls the Jeep into the parking lot.

May looks down at her phone, fidgets with the edge of her phone case. “They told us a few days ago that the radiation didn’t work. Not like they were hoping for.” Buck remains silent and now that he’s parked, he turns his attention fully to May. “He’s going to have brain surgery, and they don’t even know if it’s going to help,” May’s voice wavers, “what if it doesn’t?”

“You can’t think like that, May. You can’t immediately settle on the worst-case scenario. I know you’re scared. I-I understand,” Buck stumbles with his words for a brief moment. “If you are all convinced that he can’t do this, then he won’t,” Buck says gently. “But, if you are all convinced that he can, then there is still hope.”

May swallows, moves her hand to dab at her tears. “How could you understand?”

The silence is heavy for a moment and then, “My grandpa, he died from brain cancer when I was a kid. It was really hard to watch him go through that. The hardest part was when he gave up on himself.”

“He died anyway,” May says stricken.

“Things were different then, they didn’t have the advancements that they do now, May. But when we stopped believing that he could fight it, so did he. Maybe he would have died anyway, but I wonder how much longer he would have had if he saw us believe in him instead.” Buck reaches over and places his hand on top of May’s, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

May forces a smile, “I don’t want him to give up. I want him to fight.”

“Good,” Buck smiles, “now are you ready to help me pick out the perfect furry creature to destroy my place?”

May spends too much time researching on the internet. She knows that looking at the statistics and worst-case scenarios aren’t going to do much in the way of calming her fears. She knocks, then unlocks the door and steps into her dad’s apartment.

“Hey, this is a surprise. What are you doing here?” Michael asks.

May frowns. “I didn’t think I needed a reason.”

“Yeah,” Michael draws out, “but you usually have one.” He begins shuffling around some papers on the table, but May still sees his living will lying on the top, before he’s able to shuffle it under some nondescript papers.

“I knew it. I knew you were lying,” May says as she shakes her head in disbelief.

“May,” Michael starts, “this isn’t-”

“You’re updating your will. People do that when they’re dying.” She says plainly, hurt and worry evident on her face. Was it even worse than she thought?

“And they also do it when they have two children and are about to undergo major surgery.”

“A risky surgery,” May says from where she is still standing in front of the doorway. “I looked it up.”

“Okay, uh, you’re right,” Michael stands upright, walks around the table and stands in front of his daughter. He pauses briefly once in front of her before motioning to the two chairs that are in front of him. “Okay, let’s sit down.” He sighs, waiting for May to sit in front of him. She does after a moment and as she looks at him, all she can think is that this is her dad and this surgery is risky. There are so many possible scenarios. What if he doesn’t come out of it?

“It is risky,” Michael admits, “and I don’t know what’s going to happen. There are no guarantees here, but without it…” He breathes out slow, steadies himself for his next words as he looks at May. “I could be dead in a year.”

May closes her eyes, lets the words sink in. When she opens them, she looks at her dad distraught, eyes red-rimmed and her lips pressing into a straight line. “So then why didn’t you tell us? Why did you lie to me and Harry?”

Michael shakes his head, a pained look across his features. “I didn’t want to scare you,” He admits.

“Aren’t you scared?” Michael lowers his eyes, eyes wet as he considers her question.

“Yeah.” His voice is barely above a whisper, his nod infinitesimal. Michael looks around helplessly before his eyes settle on May. “I’m scared of dying. I’m scared of living and being worse off than I am now. And most of all, I am terrified of not seeing you and Harry. That’s why-that’s why I’m doing this, it’s to make sure that you two are taken care of-”

May thinks of her conversation with Buck in his Jeep earlier that day. She remembers him talking about his family losing hope and how his grandfather gave up too. He declined so quickly after that. She doesn’t want the same thing for her dad. She needs him to still hope.

“Stop,” May says sternly. “Stop doing that. Planning for your death, you can’t think like that. You still have options, and as long as you still have options and have us, there’s still hope.” Her eyes settle on Michael.

“When did you grow up on me?” He asks with a deep laugh, looking at her in awe. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” She says softly as Michael embraces her in a tight hug, and she closes her eyes in the embrace.

Buck hears a knock on the door and shifts from where he is lounging on the couch. “That was quick,” he says as he pulls open the door for their takeout order. “May.”

May shifts under his gaze, “I-I hope this is okay?” She starts, pressing her lips together tightly, her eyes wet with unshed tears. “I didn’t know where else to go.”

“Oh, May. Of course it’s okay,” Buck says, and in an instant his arms are around her slim frame, drawing her to him in a comforting hug. He lets out an even breath and kisses the top of her head. “Let’s get you inside.”

Buck leads her into his apartment, and she sits down on the couch next to him. Buck remains silent, knowing that May will say something when she’s ready. “This is all my fault,” she cries, folding into herself as her body shakes.

“Woah, woah, woah…” Buck reaches an arm out and pulls her over until she is pressed against his side. “Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not.”

“It is,” May says through tears, allowing herself to lean into Buck for comfort. Gently, he brushes the hair away from her face so that he can see her face more clearly.

“Can you tell me what happened?”

“After you dropped me off at home the other day I want to see my dad,” May says. “He was updating his will. I told him that I’d been reading up on his surgery and that I knew how risky it was. But I thought about what you said, about your grandfather. So I encouraged him to fight. I told him that as long as he still has options, as long as he still has us that he still has hope.”

“There is still hope,” Buck agrees.

“He-he’s not going to get the surgery. And radiation didn’t work. So he’s going to die and it’s going to be my fault, Buck!”

“Hey,” Buck’s forehead creases as he looks down at May, this girl that he has come to look at like she’s his little sister. She is coming apart at the thought of losing her dad, and Buck can’t say that he blames her. He thinks back to Bobby’s scare not that many months ago. He remembers the fear well.

“This isn’t your fault, none of this is.” Buck continues and draws her snugly against his chest, then kisses the top of her head. “And just because Michael chooses not to get the surgery, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have options. Did he say why he didn’t want the surgery?” His voice is gentle as he looks down at May, who has visibly calmed down.

“He thinks the surgery is too risky. He said he doesn’t want to focus on his death anymore, he wants to focus on living, however long he has. ”

“It is risky. The good news is that there are trials and other options to look at. Maybe he’ll be able to get into one of those. And either way, we aren’t going to lose hope.” May breathes evenly as her eyes close.

“I just panicked,” She whispers. “I don’t want him to die.”

“The good news is neither does he.” Buck smiles gently, hearing movement up in the loft. “Hey babe?” He calls out. “Can you bring Sadie down?”

Buck feels May sit upright before he feels scrutinizing eyes on him. “Babe?” Her brow raises. She leans forward, and a grin breaks out on her face as Eddie makes his way down the stairs. “Oh hey, Eddie .” She turns to Buck and smacks him gently across his chest with the back of her hand, then practically hisses. “I knew it!”

“Oh, please. You did not,” Buck says with a roll of his eyes as Eddie chuckles, carrying the kitten over to May who happily scoops her up. There is a knock on the door and Eddie answers, getting their takeout food and setting it on the counter.

“Hey, May,” Eddie calls as he glances up, “we’d love it if you’d stay for dinner.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive,” Eddie says as he grabs plates from the cupboard, and it’s not lost on May how easily Eddie navigates Buck’s kitchen, how comfortable he seems in Buck’s space. “You are family and you’re welcome anytime.” Buck and May make their way out to the kitchen with May still snuggling the kitten to her chest.

“So,” Buck motions to the spread of Chinese takeout that Eddie has spread out over the counter, “what do you want?”

“I want to know when the two of you are going to tell everyone that you’re a couple,” May says with her first genuine smile of the night.

Buck stutters and glances at Eddie who just shrugs his shoulders, smiling in amusement. “When we’re ready,” Buck says carefully.

“That doesn’t sound like an actual time.” May bends down, setting the kitten on the floor before she walks to the sink to wash her hands.

“You’re right, it doesn’t sound like an actual time,” Eddie teases.

“I’m not telling you what to do,” May says as she dries her hands and turns to look at Buck and Eddie. “I’m just saying that life’s too short to not be happy. And life’s too short to not let people be happy for you.”

“She does have a point,” Eddie says, turning his gaze to Buck.

“That she does,” Buck whispers, dipping his head down and placing a quick kiss against his lips before he turns back to May. “We’ll tell them the next time that we see them.” Eddie finds Buck’s hand and interlaces their fingers.

Buck looks at May as she smiles warmly and he wonders if he actually helped her tonight, or if she helped him. One thing they all need to remember is that life is short, and you can never predict what is going to happen tomorrow. Even in the face of tomorrow’s uncertainty, Buck knows that he can face whatever is thrown his way as long as he has his family by his side.

#fanfic #evan buckley #may grant #michael grant #eddie diaz #911 #911 3x11

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iwatchforher · 5 years

Note

Why do you like Vanity so much? :)

oh hoohohoho do you even have time for this? If you don’t, I GOT YOU COVERED, I made a literal power point presentation here because I’m a loser I couldn’t shut up about vanity after the proposal. Spoiler alert: I still can’t, so let’s go lesbians:

1. Charity and Vanessa have incredible chemistry

I can (and I will) list all of the reasons why I love this pairing, but it all boils down to: they do it for me. They are a believable couple and whenever they’re on screen there’s a spark that is so hard to come by and it’s magical.

2. Emma and Michelle seem to be in it to win it

They just don’t half-ass it. I know it should be a given, but it oftentimes is not and, however sad this may be, whenever there are straight actors involved in a lgbtq+ couple we can expect less than optimal dedication, BUT NOT HERE. They both work their damn hardest to make the characters’ love and attraction to each other jump out of the screen, even when it’s not scripted. I am so thankful to the two of them for the little touches and looks in big ensemble scenes when I very much doubt there’s much specific direction for the background acting. We are truly blessed!

3. They’re both 40+ years old

Don’t get me wrong. I like me a good coming-of-age story, but I really miss proper ADULT ships. Here we get both a bisexual woman who is completely comfortable with her sexuality AND a woman who’s still figuring it out, but the story surrounding that is wrapped up pretty quickly and it’s soon just about them.

4. There are lgbtq+ people behind the scenes, too

This makes a HUGE difference in how the characters are portrayed, no matter what. PS: Yes, Kate Brooks is engaged to Michelle and if I have to see another idiot imply anything negative I might have to fly to wherever they are, with an axe.

5. Charity was a major character before vanity

In many pieces of media lgbtq+ couples are there to fill a quota, but they never have as much screentime as other couples. They’re not being as heavily featured at the moment, but I honestly feel like they are treated just like any other main couple on the soap and I think that’s a lot to do with the fact that Charity Dingle is one of the central characters in the show. It was pretty bold to introduce a lesbian couple utilizing an already beloved (and hated) character.

6. It’s good representation

As previously stated, we’re talking about representation in front of and behind the cameras of women in an age group that is often not represented to such extent. On top of that, their storylines were actually handled with care! The progression of their relationship made sense, there was no cheating involved and, as a couple, they are so SOFT (and eventually passionate, which I’d love to see more of). They display healthy communication while showing us that gaining each other’s trust was a process. They have brought out the best in each other without needing to use any toxic tropes.

7. No homophobia!! ! !1

I touched on this in my PP presentation, but it still baffles me. It would’ve been SO EASY to have them face homophobia in the village. I know they wouldn’t want to villanize any of the beloved villagers, but it would’ve been easy (and cheap) to have Bails be a homophobe, for example, but they never go there. Charity openly announces their relationship status to everyone around her and you know what? It clears my skin.

8. They fight so GOOD

I wish they didn’t because I’m a weak baby who just wants to see them happy, but all of their fighting scenes are STELLAR. Emma is a powerhouse at all times, but I think these explosive scenes are where Michelle really shines. She can make that ray of sunshine be feisty as hell. I love it.

9. The comedy duo WE DESERVE

I honestly think they’re underutilized when it comes to funny scenes. They’ve both proven to be HILARIOUS separately, but we’ve only gotten a glimpse of what they can do together and I, for one, stan.

10. They kiss even better

I won’t bore you with details when I have an entire post dedicated to all of their kisses. What I’ll say here is: when I saw a gifset of the “rock your world” kiss I was DONE. All of the above came after. Their kissing is what roped me in.

#emmerdale #charity x vanessa #anonymous #nathi replies #vanity asks #also #i'm not gonna make a whole post about this #but we talk about how in today's episode vanessa said she loves charity for the first time after the first ily???

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softdavidrose · 5 years

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💘choose five of your own favourite edits and do a short commentary on each, at what you absolutely loved about it as well as what you’d do in it now as in order to improve and other comments!💘 tag ten mutuals of yours to provide an opportunity to amazing content creators such as yourself to appreciate their edits and spread love!!

i was tagged by the lovely sara @amez-santiago thank you!! ♥♥♥

i’m gonna tag some amazing gif makers!! @patrickbrewcr @danslevys @rosesapothecary @oscarspoe @peraltiagos-blog @jakeperalta @wild-aloof-rebel @julieandrws and anyone else who wants to do it!

david rose + the pan flag colors this is probably one of the hardest and most rewarding gifsets i’ve ever made!! each step of making this took a really long time, from finding scenes that fit, either for colors or just moment where david was still (which i might say are very few lmao but same), to the coloring which was also very hard to achieve, especially because only the background has to be in color and sometimes even just one frame can fuck up the whole thing (like for example if the character moves too much you’d either have frames where the character’s skin/clothes/whatever are the bg color or frames where the bg color isn’t there and it’s hard) needless to say it’s a gifset i love a lot because hashtag representation and seeing all the lovely comments in the tags legitimately makes my day 🤧🤧 if i had to change something i might look harder for a different scene to use for the second gif because it doesn’t look as good as the other ones but 🤷 + bonus patrick + the gay flag colors because it took even LONGER than this one but it somehow looks worse lmao

rosa diaz + ha ha ha from my b99 rewatch series, this is a relatively simple gifset but it took me so damn long i honestly don’t know if there is an easier version to achieve that “scrolling” text effect but i really wanted it to look like this and i could not find ANYTHING for it online, so i literally just made like 50, or however many frames there were, text layers and placed each of them so it would look like the text was being “typed” i guess it was HELL but i love it and i think it looks dope

david rose + putting his hands on his face i love this one so much i think it’s so funny and it’s one of my most popular gifsets! i don’t really have a lot to say about it i just love it a lot!! also a part 2 may be coming

david and patrick + height difference i love this so much it’s very tender and i love height differences so i just had to make it LOL i don’t have a lot to add to this except for the fact that im love they

schitt’s creek + c.s. lewis quote oh boy i hope you’re ready for a long ass commentary on this one first of all i would like to blame @the-rosebud-motel for sharing this quote on discord and putting this idea in my head it is literally all her fault!! second of all, this gifset took me a bit because i had initially started with a different idea but it then became what it is now and i while i wish it looked a little different i am happy with the results!! i’m gonna put the commentary under read more because this is getting very long and i have A Lot To Say, if you wanna stay get ready to shed some tears because i did while making this LMAO hope you decide to read it because i spent a lot thinking about ways to make this perfect, but if you don’t wanna read it all that’s okay, thank you for reading all the way down here!!

okay so first of all, in my head this gifset is divided into three parts, the first one being the first 3 gifs, the second one being the middle one, and the third one being the last 3 gifs. in the next paragraph i’ll explain the Parallels™ and why each scene works for that specific moment or line and you’ll understand why i have this little ~division~ part one: gif #1 is one of the very first scenes of the show. the roses have lost everything and you can see the portrait being taken away in the background, a symbol of their wealth and life being gone. (you can’t change the beginning)

gif #2 is the roses staring at the town sign in 1x03. they’re shocked and weirded out by it and they just got to this town and the sign is a symbol of schitt’s creek being “gross” or “weird” etc

gif #3 is from 1x04, johnny and moira struggle with connecting with their kids and believe they are bad parents (as the title of the episode suggests), and so attempt to play a game of two truths and one lie to try to bond with david and alexis (needless to say, it doesn’t go well)

part two: gif #4 is from happy anniversary, the season 2 finale. the roses dance together as a family, they admit they love each other and have what is arguably the first happy family moment of the series. It’s a turning point for them, it’s their new beginning (but you can start from where you are)

part three: gif #5 is a parallel to gif 3: johnny and moira take their time to get a cake for David and alexis’ big days (they’ve done the best they can!!!!!). this time the effort is real and appreciated!!!

gif #6 is a parallel to gif 2: the roses are staring at another sign, the shining new “rosebud motel”. this time, they’re happy and excited, as the sign symbolises their full commitment to the town, that is now their home, and to stevie who is by now unofficially a rose as well 😭

gif #7 is a parallel to gif 1: the portrait is there and for a while they thought that’s what they wanted, a symbol of their status as wealth, but as moira says in the same episode “it doesn’t fit, and not just physically. we aren’t those people anymore. [...]” . this time when the portrait is left behind, it is not because it’s taken away from them, but because they are the ones to walk away from it: this is where the roses fully decide to leave their old lives behind and accept all the love and happiness that schitt’s creek has given them. the portrait, symbol of their old lives, is not what they need anymore, and actually it’s not what they have needed for a very long time. they walk together back to the motel, laughing at a joke moira made, and fully embracing the gift that has been given to them, a chance to rewrite their own story (and change the ending)

the entire gifset is then tied with the progression of colors, going from an almost black and white to colorful and vibrant. this is of course to symbolize how they went from being desperate and depressed to happy and loving BUT the beginning is not “just” the beginning of the series aka them losing everything, because the sadness and desperation was there before they lost everything even if they didn’t realize at first. so to quote the first episode, schitt’s creek was the roses’ saving grace, except not in the way it was intended in 1x01. sure it was shelter for when they lost all their money, but it was so much more than that, because it made them a family and gave them all they really needed, which isn’t money or wealth but kindness and love.

anyways uhhhhh, thanks for coming to my ted talk

#iole.txt #tag games #this was a lot!!!!#it's been a while since i sat down and actually properly made gifsets but i hope to get to it again!!#thank you for the tag sara 🥰💗#drink some water before reading the last one thank you

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nat-20s · 5 years

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if i have never watched or seen or read anything star trek and i wanna ruin my life w it? where do u suggest i start?

OKAY SO

my initial answer to this is it depends on what you’re looking for! Full disclosure i’ve only seen TOS, the reboot movie, and some of TNG so like. Take this as you will.

Starting with The Original seriees: I would say this is a pretty easy jumping off point! It’ll definitely like introduce you to the world and general philosophy of star trek. It is very hokey and 60s camp and lowish budget cheesiness which /I/ personally think is a huge part of the appeal bc I can not stand sci fi that isn’t at least a little bit tacky but I understand that that’s not for everyone! However, if you watch all of TOS you will most likely get invested in Spirk and that automatically leads to you going crazy aaaaaa going stupid aaaaaa. It’s a good Life Ruiner so to say. I would recommend watching Troubles with Tribbles. I feel like that ep doesn’t need much back story and is pretty emblematic of the tone of the show. If you really don’t like Trouble with Tribbles you’re probably not going to be a fan of TOS overall.

(Also the shortest of the shows! Only 3 seasons so it’s decently quick to get through)

The Next Generation: if TOS seems almost appealing but not quite, maybe TNG would be the route to go. I would say that of all star trek shows, TNG and TOS have the most similar vibes, probably in part because they were the only two that Gene Roddenberry was involved in. TNG, vibe wise, is slightly less cheesy if only because it was made 20 years later with an actual budget, but i would say it makes up for slightly less cheesiness with somehow even MORE chaoticness. The introduction of Q and the Holodeck really Upped the level of shenanigans they could have. Also, I don’t know if it’s actually a good intro episode, but my first ep was Elementary, Dear Data, which is 10/10. Daforge rights!!! Strong life ruining potential.

Voyager, Deep Space Nine, and Enterprise are all a decent amount more serious and less campy than TNG or TOS overall (though I’m pretty sure they all have their Moments) so I haven’t, uh, seen them except in gifsets and apparently reruns of enterprise from when i was like five That being said:

Enterprise is a prequel to TOS, but like, a far off prequel rather than a right before prequel such as discovery. I don’t think many people START with this one and the fandom appears to be the smallest, but i think it’s good if you want scifi/star trek that specifically focuses on humans really first getting their space legs. Also I think? it’s the most grounded of any of the shows.

Deep Space Nine is a spin-off of TNG so it might be easier to watch TNG first but it can also stand on its own. If you’re like I am here specifically because I want exploration of alien culture and how those cultures would interact DS9 is where you wanna go. Probably the most alien heavy in both the main cast and the plotlines.

Voyager is like. So you’ve found yourself lost in deep space huh. Let’s see how you deal with that. I want to say it’s proooooobably the hardest scifi of any of the shows, but i think all star treks are more character driven than plot. I know I would die for Janeway and that Tuvok is my dad and that it gets dark sometimes and that’s about it. Also a lot of people go fuckin NUTS for voyager so you won’t be lacking in fandom. Probably is less entwined with the general star trek universe due to the nature of its plot so if you start there my guess would be that you won’t be missing out on too many call back references.

I hope that helped! TLDR pick a show and start with it based on what you want, feel free to jump around considering there’s not many overarching plots, and if your tastes are similar to mine I would recommend starting with TOS! you’ll like it then!

#Anonymous #replies #anon #people that Actually know about shows beyond tos and tng feel free to correct me lol

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viviansternwood · 5 years

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So the absolute sweetest @blodreina-noumou tagged me to do this positivity meme that is about choosing your five favourite mutuals in the fandom and giving them all the love. I’m all for it, but five??? How am I supposed to leave it at that?

I mean since she was the one who tagged me, I’m perfectly within my right to talk about Steph. She appeared at the time when this fandom was basically drowning in Octavia hate and for some time I felt so lost because it seemed like I was the only person in the 100 fandom not only not hating her guts, but also trying to defend her. I kept posting positivity about Octavia and getting hate in response, but then Steph started reblogging my stuff and I was like, wait... There are people who love her, just like I do. I followed her, and it’s been amazing every since. She’s a very private person and tends to stay out of any fandom brawls, but she’s very good at just... being there for people, you know? So many times I would be having one of those moment when I just hated my life, and I’d post something about it not expecting anyone to read or care, and Steph would suddenly come out and say something that, if not necessarily fixing things, pushes me along on the path. And that’s what matters, doesn’t it? Someone who helps you make small steps through every day. Steph is an amazing person, and she has such an insight in people and characters, it’s wonderful. I think that’s what makes all her metas so good. Sweetie, thank you so much for following me and for being in this fandom. It would not be the same without you. <3

1. @daeneryskairipa

I honestly have so much love and respect for Linda. She is in a lot of fandoms, and she’s never caught up in any drama or negativity. She’s a very quiet, private and absolutely talented person, whose gifsets are something our fandom doesn’t deserve. Just when I started making gifs about a year ago, her edits were what I aspired mine to look like just because they’re so, so beautiful. I mean, if you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know that I use her gifs for my headers more than anyone else’s. Also, fun fact, but just when I started giffing, I had no idea how tags worked, so I looked at Linda’s tagging system and basically adopted it (sorry Linda lol). Go follow her, she produces such amazing content, our fandom is blessed to have her. <3

2. @clarkgriffon

I think Mira will always take a special place in my heart because she was one of the very first people I spoke to in this fandom. I believe I had about 90 followers at the time, and I messaged her to tell her that her tags were hilarious because she would always not only tag them purposefully to systematise content, but also add her reactions and it made things so much better. Mira is also one of those people who will see or hear you say some small detail about yourself once and remember it, and then randomly bring it up in the conversation. She just cares about people and remembers. She’s one of the most unassuming people I know because she will give you advice on the things that bother you and won’t push for anything more than you’re prepared to give in that moment. And sometimes that’s the best we can do for others. Just be there for them. And I honestly think no one produces more content for our fandom (mainly Bellarke as well) than Mira does, for which, sweetie, thank you so much because there were so many moments when I just thought there was no more hope for Bellarke, but then I’d see one of your gifsets and feel better. Really, thank you, I’m so happy to know you!

3. @keiraknighted

The story behind why Emily followed me is funny. Apparently, she was so frustrated with Zaven because she just wasn’t feeling it and it seemed to her like literally no one else was shipping Murven, so she purposefully searched in the anti zaven tag and found me. So that’s when she followed me. And I remember I followed her because she had this cute icon from Anne With an E, and I’d been reading her fics for like two years before that, but it never clicked that she was the person writing them hahah.

Emily is an amazing person. She’s so warm and sweet and understanding, and she’s one of those people who will go out of their way to do something if you ask them to. Her fanfics basically got me through the hiatus. I always joke with her that she has this talent to make you feel second hand embarrassment like no one else does, and I stand by those words because she’s just that talented. She can portray a situation in a way that you feel so involved you want to die of embarrassment when the character is embarrassed, and it’s a beautiful thing! Please go check out her fics, I promise you, you will not regret it. My absolute favourite of all time (Emily is probably sick of hearing about it by now lmao) is Smoke Break, which, do yourself a favour and go read right now please!!

Thank you so much for everything, sweetie! I don’t know what kind of fandom experience I would have without you, probably trash smh.

4. @daenerya

Luna is someone about whom I should talk a lot more because she’s become such a vital part of my life and my fandom experience that it’s crazy. Luna is someone who never gives up on people, for better or for worse. She’s probably one of the most loyal people I know, and if there’s something I respect and love and appreciate, it’s loyalty. She helped me get through one of the toughest moments in my life by being completely calm while I was panicking and having pretty much a mental breakdown, giving me invaluable advice and just being there for me. Thank you so much for that, sweetie, I will never forget it.

She is also such a positive person. She probably won’t admit this to save her life, but she has so much love and hope for this world and people in general. She’s open to everyone, absolutely loving and sweet and understanding.

Her edits are beautiful because she’s so talented but also puts an incredible amount of effort in. She has such strong opinions that she is unapologetic about because she cares about people and stands up for them.

5.@lameblake

When you follow Ali, you don’t just get a mutual. You automatically receive a friend. And it’s amazing. Ali is probably the most supportive person I know. Whatever you’re feeling, whatever you’re going through, however you deal with your issues, she’ll do her best to understand, accept it and help you get through your tough times. I honestly believe that she feels other people’s pain.

Please, go follow her. Give her all the love you can because she’s so, so deserving.

Honourable mentions,

for people who are just as important as the five mentioned above, but to whom I either haven’t spoken to a lot or haven’t talked recently because life got in the way:

@eternallyecho - for reaching out continuously, even if I’m being an antisocial ass, and for accepting and understanding me the way I am, believing that I know myself;

@easilydistractedbyfanfic - for being an endless flow of optimism and Murven content and support with all the random things I have asked your advice for;

@raven-reyes-of-sunshine for not only being there for me at the hardest of times, but also letting me do my best to be there for you because you definitely deserve all the love the world can give you and more!

@twinzmoon for being two little rays of sunshine who always want to make other people’s days better. Completely selfless and wonderful people deserving of the entire world;

@boomheda , @aproblematicpanda and @sawyerblakes (actually not mutuals but this post would be a lie if I didn’t mention you) for being the proof that you don’t have to agree on every single thing to be friends with someone. Different interests don’t mean people can’t be kind and loving towards one another. Thank you guys, I love you three so much. You made my fandom experience bearable for the past year;

@pathokinessis for being a little ball of love and positivity who loves people without asking anything in return. Thank you, sweetie, you’re absolutely amazing and there’s no describing to how much I love and appreciate you!

P.S. If I haven’t mentioned you on this list, please don’t feel offended and remember that I love you and appreciate you.

#tag games #get to know me

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backtobasicbellas · 6 years

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2018 Fic Roundup

Tagged by my good pal @acabellas

Total 2018 Word Count (AO3 only): 179,479

Total 2018 Hits: 56,161

Other 2018 AO3 Stats: Kudos: 5,150 Comment Threads: 556 Bookmarks: 60 Subscriptions: 40

Links & Titles to 2018 Works (AO3 only, not including Tumblr fics):

i won’t let you down (i will not give you up) - bechloe (4,626 words / complete)

tsunami tides in their eyes - bechloe (7,161 words / complete)

with friends like ours, anywhere is home - bechloe (16,861 words / complete)

burning through these yellow lights - bechloe (10,624 words / complete)

you were the song stuck in my head - bechloe (7,116 words / complete)

i stare at you like people do at shooting stars - bechloe (1,858 words / complete)

let’s get lost tonight (baby you and i) - bechloe (3,726 words / complete)

hold on (i still need you) - bechloe (9,545 words / complete)

can my heartbeat quiet? (no) - staubrey (5,466 words / complete)

don’t fall, don’t feel (but i sink farther) - bechloe (16,676 words / complete)

for a moment i was feeling like i had you - bechloe (3,743 words / complete)

love is a losing game (oh, what a mess we made) - bechloe with a steca fwb situation (12,953 words / complete)

only wanted a taste of your lips - bechloe (7,095 words / complete)

it’s human nature to miss what’s under your nose (til you remind a fool) - bechloe (6,164 words / complete)

it’s only natural, but why did it have to be me? - bechloe (3,631 words / complete)

andante, andante (oh please, don’t let me down) - bechloe (8,893 words / complete)

I’ve waited my whole life (let’s go for it this time) - bechloe (8,355 words / complete)

tell me is it so wrong (even if we fall in love?) - bechloe (26,487 words / 6/7 complete)

let live to let die (i’m laying down my cards) - zadison (7,861 words / complete)

we’re a shimmering balance act - zadison (11,011 words / complete)

Favorite Fic: don’t fall, don’t feel (but i sink farther) this was like. my precious baby idea i came up with @isthemusictoblame. I wrote this monster while she created a beautiful gifset to go along with it. i can’t remember a time i’ve felt more motivated and inspired to write a fic; this takes the cake for sure.

Hardest Fic: tell me is it so wrong (even if we fall in love?) this is exactly why i usually try to avoid writing multi-chaps. i have this thing where i try to write it all out ahead of time but get excited and start posting before it’s finished. that’s what happened here, and i got stuck on the last part or two with a lack of inspiration and motivation. however! i am back on track and hope to get the final part of this fic out soon

Do you plan on taking prompts in 2019? yes of course! it’ll be very sporadic because i’m so weird about prompts like if i don’t feel like i can do it any justice at all or aren’t inspired or excited about an idea i kinda just. leave it in my inbox and other times i’m just way off the mark

What was the best thing about 2018? being able to meet many other wonderful writers and just seeing how many different and cool fics there are out there. more importantly, finding an additional fandom to write for through the ahs coven/apocalypse realm.

What was the worst thing about 2018? stress!!!! lol

Any last thoughts for 2018? see ya sucker!! also, i wrote a LOT more than i thought

Goals for 2019:

finish tell me is it so wrong (even if i fall in love?)

write bechloe high school au!

write more ahs coven/apocalypse-centric fics

write that writer!zoe and a list actress!madison au (i’m very excited about this)

meet more writers

stay consistently motivated to create content and share it with people!!!

i feel like a lot of my writing pals have already filled this out, but i tag anyone who would like to do this!!! (seriously i’m 90% sure every person i talk to has done this)

#acabellas #writing stuff

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natures-cunning-ways · 6 years

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The Great Kiss Poll results are in...

Thank you to all 266 people who voted. I don’t think there are many surprises here, so let’s just get straight to the results. The winner, with 27.8% of the vote, was Bergamo. It is therefore crowned the most popular kiss. If you’re forgotten it, it looks like this:

It was very closely followed by the first kiss/the berm with 27.1% of the vote. Yes, you read correctly, there was less than 1% between them.

Most people gave a second and third choice. I had a play around with giving the different choices points and adding them up (e.g. 3 points for a first choice, 2 for second, 1 for third) but however you look at it, you end up with basically the same results.

The only slight difference in order is if you add up every vote- so first, second or third choice all get 1 vote. As you can see below, the first kiss gets very slightly more overall votes than Bergamo- therefore the highest number of people have the first kiss as one of their top 3 kisses compared to the others.

(The after midnight kiss is the least popular whichever way you look at it. I don’t like to judge but what’s wrong with you all? It’s not my absolute favourite but everything about that kiss is gorgeous. Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine, Elio, Oliver, Elio, Oliver, Elio... let’s seal this deal with a kiss, Elio grabs Oliver, Oliver with his eyes closed, blissfully happy, Elio with his eyes open, rolling onto Oliver... Anyway. Back to the point. Got distracted there for a moment.)

And there were a lot of comments. They’re below the cut if anyone’s interested!

Comments- alphabetically, just because that’s how the spreadsheet organised them.

((cries internally))

Actually my fav is the one i havent seen yet!!!

All of them make me cry and but at the same time

All of these are legendary but I guess the hip rolling really did me in and I chose that (Midnight) as my fave. Peach is the second because it's SO intimate, they are the most naked here emotionally and literally. I chose garden to finish my top3 because it's just so tender and lovely. I mean that could be said about each of these but since u made me evilly choose.... And I've got no idea how much I've written here because I only see this one line so I'll stop here. Have a lovely weekend and can't wait to see what is the fandom consensus

Bergamo is still the hottest

Choosing was the hardest thing ever

Cruel to make us choose!!!!

Gahhh the amount of sheer love in these gifsets makes my heart lurch

I can watch a 2 hour movie with those 2 just kissing. You think Luca could give that to us? Seriously, though, thanks for doing this!

I could watch the Bergamo kiss until the day I die

I like the garden because Timmy/Elio is so thirsty for his boy.

I love all the kissing!

I love them. Love to see how they touch each other, how they kiss, how they want to eat each other. I adore them.

I love you for this poll but I hate you for making me choose!!

I surprised myself by not picking Bergamo which is supposed to be THE kiss...

I'm in love with this survey, keep it up!

Im pretty sure this is the most difficult poll ive ever taken

It's really hard to choose all of them so so good. Thanks for this research and stay peachy!

Just love em

My fave is the Garden that evening. Timmy leans in and is controlling the kisses - maybe 1st tongue??

Not nearly enough kisses

Now I live here! Do I have to send or can I watch some more? Fuck! Ok bye!

Out of all the polls I’ve taken in my life this one is the best by far.

Peach scene because a) raw emotion and tenderness b) skin

Such a hard decision

Thank you for this heaven!

That little foot rub scene and how close they seemed even then, rubbing his hands on elios legs so lovingly and the little foot kiss afterwards

The first kiss scene is going to be remembered in film history as one of the most iconic kissing scenes ever.

The garden is the best but couldn’t see jt

The kisses feel so different to me. I find myself watching different ones at different times depending on what mood I’m in. The peach scene kiss makes me tear up. Bergamo almost makes me gasp for breath. With midnight/after midnight their being together just feels so right, after waiting so long. For weeks the garden scene was my favorite for the way Elio falls in to Oliver. And you can’t beat the anticipation from the first kiss. I love them

the peach kiss isn't the prettiest, but it's the charmiest

They are all perfect

They're all amazing but I'll never get over that kitten lick. The Post Midnight, Garden and Bergamo kisses all ended too soon.

They're all ridiculously well-done. This is impossible. Kinda have to vote by emotional weight instead of the kiss itself because the chemistry is off the charts in all of them. First, Peach, Midnight, Garden, Bergamo, After

This film singlehandedly revives the Art of the Kiss. Thanks so much 4 the poll!!

THIS IS CRUELTY I LOVE THEM ALL

This was impossible. I may have already changed my mind.

This was really hard to choose!

Toughest poll yet.

Unpopular opinion: I think Armie chickens out of the Bergamo kiss by wrapping his arm round Timmy in the classic Hollywood fake kiss fashion way... so we can't see their mouths anymore.

you're doing the lord's work, thank you

#the great kiss poll #kisses #cmbyn #cmbyn fandom #science #statistics

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icecubelotr44 · 7 years

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To Every Thing a Season (12/16)

Summary: After witnessing the tragic murder of his brother Liam, Killian Jones is more determined than ever to discover the secrets of time travel. Fast-tracking his education at Storybrooke University, Killian is assigned a lab assistant, one Emma Swan. Together, they find a way to break through the veil of time so Killian can set things right. But what will be the price for changing the past, and is it one they’re willing to pay?

Rated: T, for violence, some dark themes, angst, and whump

Art credit/link: The totally awesome @optomisticgirl made imagesets for all the chapters and @ab-normality made a video and a gifset for this fic. You can find the imageset for this chapter above and here on @optomisticgirl‘s blog. The video is linked here and on @ab-normality‘s blog here and the gifset is posted here!

Beta readers: The as-always wonderful @nothingimpossibleonlyimprobable, thanks so much for all of your help and cajoling and reassuring! And a huge thank you to the spectacular @spartanguard who stepped in to help beta read as well!

A/N: Written as part of the 2017 Captain Swan Big Bang Challenge. You can catch up with all the other fics that are complete by following @captainswanbigbang and/or subscribing to the Group Collection on AO3 and/or the C2 on FFN. This is complete in 16 parts and will be posted every Thursday from now until its completion. And yes, there is a happy ending after all this… just so you know.

Word count: ~ 5,450 (80K+ Total in 16 chapters)

From the beginning: ao3 | ffn

Current Chapter: AO3 | FFN

Chapter 12: To Keep Silence and to Speak

Agony.

Heat.

Sick.

Burning.

Nausea.

Hurts.

Make it stop.

Killian’s entire world focused down to the inferno at the end of his wrist. The slightest brush of air fanned the flames and sent shocks of white-hot pain lancing down his arm. He couldn’t focus, he couldn’t think. Someone was screaming.

Was it him?

They had landed. He thought. It didn’t matter. The only thing that did was getting out of the machine and away from whatever had turned his hand into an incendiary. Something, anything, to get rid of the agony that was sapping his strength, his will, his sense.

He was going to pass out.

There was nothing for it, he had to open the door. He had to get out.

But his hand. Oh God, his hand was on fire.

Killian fumbled to stand from where he'd been thrown in flight - not bothering to buckle his harness had been a monumental mistake. He was vaguely aware of yelling, of the sounds that were coming from outside the machine, of the glare that was coming from the man with him. Was he important?

No. Not right now.

Now he needed to get out. He needed to stand. He needed her.

His brain couldn't exactly pin a name or a face to the thought, but he knew it was paramount.

He needed her.

And then she was there. And then he was in her arms.

And then his hand tried to reach for her spasmodically, and he was back to focusing on every minute particle in the air that was assaulting his hand. He was sure that there was a ball of fire gripped in his palm, burning it from the inside out and leaving a smoldering pile of ash in its wake.

Just cut it off. Get rid of it. Make it stop.

But no. He needed his hand. He needed to be whole.

A brief memory of an old man with one hand flittered through his consciousness before it was gone, replaced by pain and agony and nausea and the scent of her hair.

Don't look.

Don't think.

Help me.

Emma.

Help me, Emma!

Everything went black.

Emma thought the paramedics believed her about an accident with the heavy, metal hatch that David had haphazardly smeared blood all over moments before. She didn’t really care one way or another, but Killian would. In the days and weeks and months ahead of him while he recovered, the time machine ready and waiting for him would help. She thought.

She hoped.

She couldn’t focus on anything other than the blinding lights as they wheeled Killian to the waiting ambulance, the mask on his face fogging up with every comforting breath, the IV line in his right hand - the line that had delivered the medications that had stopped him from gasping in pain, even in unconsciousness.

And then all Emma could see was the door shutting, her only glimpse of Killian through the tinted window.

“No!” she cried, startled by the sound of her own voice.

Emma moved forward without really thinking, her hand coming up to pull open the door.

Someone tried to stop her. “We need to take him now, Miss.”

“I…”

“Family only,” they tried to reason with her.

Emma growled. “I am his family.”

The paramedic rolled his eyes, and Emma thought about punching him. But that would delay Killian’s care and he was what mattered right now.

“You can sit up front,” the young man relented.

Emma scrambled before someone changed their mind.

And then she was summarily planted in a waiting room with every Tom, Dick, and Harry who had wandered in off the street with the sniffles, Emma snarked angrily to herself as she waited.

Not family. We’ll let you know. Call his parents.

Emma seethed.

And then a nurse who had worked on Killian’s leg the last time he’d been brought in took mercy on her and moved her to a more private waiting area.

“He listed you as his emergency contact when he was discharged last time,” the woman explained. “You’ll still have to wait out here, but I’ll make sure the doctors come out to speak to you if any decisions need to be made.”

Emma was going to pass out.

Decisions?

She was shaking now, replaying the last few hours in her mind. They’d been so happy that morning, wrapped up in each other. It had only been a few hours, right? What time was it? Did it matter?

Emma wasn’t sure how David and Mary Margaret had weaseled their way past Nurse Ratched at the admission desks, but they were soon by her side, wrapping her fingers around a travel mug that smelled suspiciously like Granny’s hot chocolate and dwarfing her with David’s warm coat.

“Miss Swan?” a doctor called out as he came to stand in front of them.

Emma nodded.

“Can we speak privately?”

Emma nodded again.

She thought he might take her to an office, or at least somewhere more private than the hallway.

He didn’t.

“I don’t really have time to mince words, so I won’t,” he started, and Emma felt the blood drain from her face. “There’s simply too much damage and I wouldn’t even know where to start trying to repair his hand. Whatever crushed the limb did a damn good job of wrecking his chances. We need your permission to remove it before he becomes septic.”

Emma locked her knees before she hit the floor, but it was a near thing. “What?” she asked, alarmed at how weak she sounded.

“You’re his emergency contact. Because of the medications we have him on, he’s not cognizant and can’t make this decision. Either we take him to an operating suite and remove the dead tissue, or we take our chances trying to find something to repair.” He paused, clearly waiting. Clearly not thinking there was a choice to be made.

Emma looked around helplessly. Lose his hand? How could he cope with only one? How would he react?

What if he hated her for making this decision?

“Miss Swan, we need to-”

“-do it,” she commanded before she could second-guess herself. She’d heard of sepsis, knew how dangerous it could be.

Killian may hate her for losing his hand, but she’d hate herself more if he lost his life.

The doctor didn’t even wait to see if she was okay, just took off at a sprint.

“Wait!” she cried, tearing down the hall after him.

He looked exasperated. “Miss-”

“Can I see him?”

He shook his head. “He won’t know you’re there.”

“But I’ll know,” she whispered.

He sighed, but nodded. “Just while we’re finding an open suite. But then you’ll have to go. Every minute counts, understand?”

She nodded again, following him meekly down the hall and into the trauma room.

Killian.

Killian looked so small.

Emma was shocked to see him, the only one still amidst a flurry of activity. He was wrapped up in so many wires and tubes, an oxygen mask, and blankets that Emma had trouble seeing him in the clutter.

He was so pale.

So still.

So vulnerable.

Emma was caught up in the ridiculous need to shoo everyone from the room, to wrap him up in her arms, to take him away from all of this. Which was absurd, naturally, but it didn’t stop her from crossing the room to take up residence at his side.

What was left of his hand was wrapped in thick gauze, resting high on a stack of pillows. There was a cuff around his forearm, and Emma didn’t want to think about what it was for. She lifted his right hand, tangling their fingers together and squeezing.

She didn’t really expect a response, but her stomach still clenched when she didn’t get one.

He was so cold.

“Careful, miss,” a nurse admonished. “Don’t disturb anything.”

Emma nodded shakily, glancing down at their hands to make sure she hadn’t touched anything. Her other hand came back to brush Killian’s hair away from his forehead, then leaned down and gently kissed the chilled skin there.

“Come back to me, Killian,” she whispered.

His eyes fluttered.

“Jones?” she whispered again, more hopefully this time.

She could just see the blue of his eyes beneath bruised eyelids, his pupils shifting around lazily. His fingers twitched in her hand and she smiled gratefully.

“I’m right here, Killian. I’m gonna be right here when you wake up.”

He muttered something unintelligible, the whoosh of oxygen in his mask stealing his words.

“I love you, too,” she replied anyway, knowing it was what she needed him to have said. “Stay strong for me, okay?”

The barest of nods was her response, and then he was out again.

“We need to take him now,” the same nurse said gently, already moving the side rail up on the bed.

Emma thought the hardest thing she’d ever had to do was to let go of his hand and back away.

She was ushered up to yet another waiting room, this one equipped with a television and coffee maker and already home to Mary Margaret, David, and now Ruby as well.

“The doctor will come out and let you know when everything is done.”

Emma wanted to say something, wanted to do something, but she was frozen. Somewhere in the hospital, a doctor was cutting Killian’s hand off. She knew, logically, that there was an art and a science to it, that they were trained in how to best help Killian in the long run.

It didn’t stop her from imagining someone just slicing it off with a sword.

Emma sat alone, curled up in the corner of what passed for a couch as time passed them by. She wasn’t sure if it was hours, or days, or weeks since she’d last spoken with Killian, since he’d been awake and worried about what the future was going to bring.

Their friends took turns trying to draw her into conversation, to bring her snacks and drinks that she barely tasted, and in one horrendous moment, to try and hug her.

They only tried that once.

She vaguely remembered Granny, herself, coming over with a steaming cup of chocolate and a plate of lasagna. The old woman had draped a soft blanket over Emma’s shoulders and tutted sadly before she, too, admitted defeat.

Emma only wanted Killian.

When the doctor finally came into the room, looking tired but satisfied, Emma tried to pay attention. Phrases like “transradial amputation” and “long enough for good range of motion” and “good for his future” filtered through, but it wasn’t what she needed to hear.

She needed to know when he’d be awake so that she could be there.

She’d promised.

They wouldn’t let her in the recovery room, of course, and she understood that. But when the doctor had suggested that she go home for the evening and come back in a few days, David had had to hold her back from hitting him.

Mary Margaret had been busy doing the same to Ruby.

So Emma sat some more. And when she was done with that, she paced. And when she was done with that, she stared out the window. She wasn’t leaving until she saw him and, if she had her way, not even then.

He needed her.

She hoped.

It was long past midnight before Emma heard anything else. This time from an perky young woman who introduced herself as Killian's new best friend.

Emma bristled.

But then she began to understand - this was the psychologist who was going to hopefully help Killian come to terms with his new situation. Emma tried to rein in the protective part of her that wanted to keep all her belongings - human or otherwise - to herself.

And then Anna became Emma's best friend with one statement.

“He's going to need you at his side as much as possible.”

Emma almost hugged her.

Anna took her by the hand and led her down one hallway after another. If she led Emma to an office with a couch to lay down on, they were going to have a different discussion than the psychologist intended.

But the opening of a door led Emma exactly where she wanted to be.

“He was awake for a moment in Recovery, and he asked for you. He'll probably sleep through most of tomorrow, but no one will bother you.” Anna followed her in and made sure Emma was as comfortable as she could manage in the cushioned chair at Killian's right side.

His head was tilted to one side, as if he were waiting for her to join him, and Emma had to remind herself that they were in the hospital - that he'd likely be there for some time - and that it wasn't the time to cuddle. Her gaze traced down his left arm deliberately, taking in the thick bandages and the startling end where his hand used to be. Her stomach tied itself into knots at the sight, but she continued to stare at it until it just seemed to be another part of him.

Killian was going to have a hard enough time trying to cope with his loss, he didn't need to worry about how she was going to react to it, too.

“I'll leave you two alone,” Anna piped up, making Emma jump. “But if you need to speak to anyone, Emma, I've got an open door and two good ears.”

Emma nodded. The mere thought of speaking to someone like Anna terrified her, but if it would help Killian - if it would help her help Killian, then she would get over her own discomfort.

“Thank you,” she whispered, her voice scratchy from disuse.

Anna grinned and handed her Killian’s glasses. “I'll bring you a sandwich. And some of my favorite hot chocolate before I finish my rounds. I think you'll like it.”

Emma smiled.

Killian did sleep through the majority of the day, as did Emma. She only woke up when the nurses came in to check on Killian - taking vitals and eventually changing the bandages over his stump.

The drain that snaked out of the wound was by far the most shocking part of the whole thing, and Emma found herself feeling slightly ill at the sight of it. But she forced herself to watch everything that the nurses did until she could cope.

She wanted to run.

She wanted to curl up with Killian and never leave his side.

She wanted to go back to the lab and use the machine to prevent Killian from ever building it in the first place.

She wanted him to wake up.

As if Killian had heard her, his eyes fluttered open and met her gaze.

“Hey,” she whispered, reaching out to brush the hair back from his forehead.

He mumbled something as his eyebrows furrowed, and Emma sat forward until she could brush her lips over the wrinkles there.

“Just rest,” she ordered, squeezing his fingers tightly. “I’m right here.”

“Don’t go,” he muttered pitifully.

Emma shook her head violently. “Never,” she vowed.

He smiled. It was a little thing, barely twitching the sides of his mouth up, but it seemed to Emma as if he were beaming.

“Hey,” she called again, waiting until his eyes cleared and he was looking fully at her.

Killian made some kind of questioning noise when she didn’t speak for long moments.

She smiled back at him. “I love you.”

Now he was beaming, tugging at her hand until she gave in and leaned forward to meet his lips in a chaste kiss. Everything seemed to settle around them and between them and in her, and while it would be a long while before they could do more than that, this kiss just made everything right.

“I love you, too,” he mumbled, already dropping back to sleep.

He hadn’t asked about his hand, and Emma was ashamed to realize she was relieved. She didn’t know how much he remembered, if he even knew where he was or what they’d done to him while he was unconscious.

What she’d done to him.

Maybe Killian wasn’t the only one who needed to talk to Anna, after all.

Awareness came to Killian in fits and starts. Emma had been there at first. He didn’t really remember how he got from the time machine to her arms, but knew it had happened. Then he vaguely remembered being surrounded by doctors while immense pain tore his attention away. There wasn’t much after that, maybe a cold and sterile room with more medical staff in face masks. Not so much pain there, but fear - he couldn’t find Emma.

Emma meant he was safe.

Stay strong for me, okay? and then Where’s Emma? I need Emma. and then I love you.

He remembered I love you most of all. Because he hadn’t needed to say it first that time.

And now, as he fought against the vestiges of sleep, he could smell her hair. She was there, and if he could manage to open his eyes, he was sure Emma would smile at him.

If she smiled, then everything would be all right.

Her fingers were slipping through his hair, he was sure, but it was dark and comfortable in this half-asleep state, and he wasn’t ready to leave. There was something tickling at the edge of his mind, something that he didn’t want to know about. Didn’t want to face.

If he stayed asleep, he wouldn’t have to.

Emma was there, that was all that mattered.

He slipped back into the darkness.

Killian floated there for a few minutes or a few days, he wasn’t really sure, but eventually he was called back to wakefulness by voices around him.

“...how to tell him.”

“I can help…”

“I’m just worried…”

“...it from you.”

“...love him so much.”

Emma. That last one was Emma. And he didn’t think he recognized the woman she was talking to - he was sure that someone that excitable, he’d remember. Curiosity got to him and Killian finally managed to open his eyes. Blearily, he looked around until he could focus on the blonde hair startlingly close to his face.

“Emma,” the perky voice called out and jerked his attention away from his girl.

“Hey there, you with me this time?” Emma asked, her fingers tracing the scar on his cheek as he turned his head towards her.

“I go somewhere?” he croaked, surprised at how awful his voice sounded.

Emma just smiled gently. “Doesn’t matter now. How are you feeling?”

“Fuzzy,” he whined a little.

She nodded. “I bet. They’ve got you on some pretty good stuff.”

His eyebrows furrowed. Who? and then What? He focused beyond Emma, the stark and clean smell, the antiseptic looking walls, the rhythmic beeping, the scratchy sheets and the lumpy mattress.

Hospital?

It all came back in a startling moment of clarity. Gold. Milah. Dead. Travel. Hand. Hand. Hand. Emma. Stay strong. Don’t go. I love you.

Killian sat up abruptly, trying to curl in on himself against the onslaught of memories. He was vaguely aware of Emma’s arms around him, of someone else holding his left arm still, of his gasping breaths.

“Breathe, Killian. Breathe for me. Please?”

It was the please that did it, Emma’s breathless plea in his ear, fear and worry all wrapped up in one word. He took a shuddering breath and then another, sagging into her embrace and letting her strength buoy his own.

“Wait,” she commanded, and he didn’t understand. She said it again. “Wait.”

He wanted to ask what he was waiting for, why she needed him to do so, but when she hissed it a third time, Killian realized she wasn’t talking to him. Wasn’t ordering him to stop. He managed to look around and saw a syringe poised over an IV port, the man wielding it looking over his head at Emma.

“He’s fine. Aren’t you, Jones?”

He nodded. He could calm down for her.

Killian focused on the way her chest rose and fell where they were pressed together, matching his own breaths to hers and fighting off the spots that had started to cloud his vision. The man backed away slowly and then left, leaving he and Emma - and another woman he hadn’t noticed before - alone.

“That’s it, Emma, keep talking to him,” the woman said softly, still holding his left arm.

He looked at the woman when Emma asked, “Can I…”

“Sure.”

The next thing he felt was Emma climbing up into the bed with him and tugging him back to rest against her. He went willingly, the burst of adrenaline now nearly spent. He was finally content when she hugged him tightly. The other woman’s grip on his arm slowly released as she, too, backed away.

“You’ll be fine,” she directed towards Emma. “I’ll check back later.”

Emma made a little noise of protest, but it was to the woman’s back before the door shut behind her. Killian settled down against Emma, letting her cradle his head against her shoulder. He saw her hand snake down his left arm to hold it secure, but his still-fuzzy brain couldn’t quite understand why he couldn’t feel her grip there.

And then he saw it. For the first time, he was able to clearly put together the immense fire he'd felt with what it meant.

His hand was gone.

Cut off abruptly at the wrist and swathed in so many bandages that he could almost pretend that there was a fist wrapped tightly beneath the gauze. His breathing started to pick up again, tears stinging his eyes as he continued to stare in horror. It was gone.

Gone.

Lost.

He thought he heard Emma speaking softly in his ear, her fingers tight against his cheek as she tried to turn his head away. Her own left hand was grasping his forearm, but she needn't have worried. He couldn't move his arm, couldn't feel his entire arm.

He was panicking, and knowing that didn't help at all.

"-at me. Killian, look at me. Look at me," Emma kept repeating in his ear, her voice pitching higher and higher as he ignored her.

"Killi-" her voice broke on his name and it was finally enough to switch his focus. He rolled his head against her shoulder and took in the wild look in her eyes - it was the look of someone who didn't know if they should run towards or away from the danger.

He was the danger.

"-mma?" he managed.

Emma's eyes squeezed tightly shut and a harsh whoosh of breath blew across his face as she whimpered a little. The hand that had been on his wrist moved to tangle in his hair and he began to make out more of what she was saying.

"-sorry. God, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Don't hate me. Please. Please, Killian. I'm sorry."

Killian forced his unresponsive body to turn more fully into her embrace, burying his face in her neck and just breathing in the scent of her. He stayed like that for minutes or hours or weeks, he wasn't entirely sure, but eventually it was enough to calm them both down.

"You're here," was the best he could come up with when his voice started to work again.

If she wasn't going to mention the damp patch on her hoodie, then he wasn't either.

"I'm here," Emma whispered back, hugging him impossibly tighter than she had been. "I'm not going anywhere. God, Killian, I've been so worried."

He nodded noncommittally, not sure what his response should be to all of this.

The most pressing, then.

"It's gone?"

Way to state the obvious, Jones.

Emma nodded and he could feel her tears soaking his forehead. “I’m so sorry."

He was confused. What on earth was Emma sorry about? His hand? That wasn't her fault. Did something else go wrong? Did she know about Milah? Did she-

He must have made some kind of noise, because she was nodding against his forehead. "I am. Please, God, Killian. I'm sorry."

Killian pulled his head back, searching out her gaze with his own. He was so tired, he had so many questions he needed to know the answers to. But first, he had to make sure she was all right.

"What is it, luv?" he croaked.

Emma shook her head and leaned her forehead against his own. "It's my fault," she whispered.

"What?" he hadn't meant to sound quite so defensive, but none of this was her fault.

She sniffled. "I'm your emergency contact," she said as if that explained anything.

"I know," he told her. "I'm the one who put you there."

That didn't seem to fix anything. She nodded, moving both of their heads when she did so. "So it's my fault," she tried again.

He still didn't understand.

"I..."

And then her gaze cut over to where his arm still lay awkwardly behind him. And he understood. "Oh, Emma," he breathed sadly.

Her breath caught in her throat when Killian slid his arm behind her so that he could tug her into the best hug he could manage. "I’m sorry, luv. I'm sorry you had to do that."

"You don't hate me?" she asked timidly, burrowing into his side as well as she could manage.

Killian settled back against the bed, wrapping his right arm around her tightly so they could both rest. He could already feel the pull of sleep, and he still had so many questions - namely, why couldn't he feel his entire arm - but they could wait until after he'd slept.

Emma couldn't.

"No, luv, never," he vowed, going onto explain further. "It's not your fault. And I'm glad you were here. Glad you are here."

"Always," she whispered, her breath only hitching a little over the word.

He smiled into her hair, letting his eyes drift shut as he listened to all the machines in the room. The last thing he was aware of before he fell asleep was Emma's breath whispering over his chest.

If the way the shadows in the room played over Emma's form was any indication, they'd slept for several hours. She was still sleeping easily, her hand curled just slightly over his heart. God, did he love her, he thought idly, tilting his head to breathe in the scent of her hair.

Someone shifting on a chair to his left caught Killian's attention, so he rolled his head on the pillow, trying not to wake Emma.

The woman from earlier was sitting there, smiling at him disarmingly.

Killian was instantly on edge.

"Hi!" she perked up, and Killian startled at the bounciness in her tone. "I'm Anna."

He nodded hesitantly. "Hello."

"I just wanted to introduce myself. We'll probably be talking a bit, later, when you've had a little time to - you know - process and all that jazz."

Killian's brow furrowed until his brain caught up with the speed of her speech. "You're a shrink." It wasn't a question.

Anna nodded anyway. "I am. Emma and I talked a little while we were waiting for you to wake up."

"I'm not re-"

"Oh, I know you're not ready yet. But I just wanted to get in here at the start so you'd be used to seeing me, and to see if you had any questions. Your doc will be in a little later to check on you again, but I can try to answer anything first," she paused, smiling conspiratorially, "in real-person speak."

The corner of Killian's mouth twitched up involuntarily. "Can she stay?"

It was the only question that really mattered at the moment.

Anna nodded. "As long as you want. I made sure of it."

The fist around his heart loosened a little bit knowing that no one was going to take her from him. Not now, not when he was so painfully adrift and Emma was his only beacon.

"Thank you."

She grinned. "I'll come back later and check on you again. Maybe bring Emma something to eat that didn't come from our cafeteria" - she looked apologetic - "but you're probably going to have to make do with what they give you for awhile."

The thought of food turned Killian's stomach anyway, so he just nodded and watched her leave.

"I like her," Emma interjected before he could tilt his head back down to rest against hers.

He huffed out a breath. "And how long have you been awake?"

"Since Anna said 'hi'," she replied easily. "She's kinda loud."

He did laugh this time, and it felt good.

But then everything came crashing back down around him, and Killian wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep.

“Hey,” Emma breathed in his ear - and when had she moved? - “It’s going to be okay.”

Killian nodded even though he didn’t believe her.

"Emma?" he asked some time later, when his breathing was more under control and he didn't feel quite so lost.

She replied with a hum to let him know she was listening, her nose buried in a book that he knew she wasn't really reading.

He gulped quietly, afraid to know the answer, but determined to find out. "I... why can't I feel my arm?" he whispered on a breath.

She tilted her head to look up at him. "That hasn't worn off yet?"

Worn off, it wasn't permanent. He shook his head, relief already surging through him.

"Oh," she sounded a little confused. "Well, I don't know exactly how they did it, but the doctors made your arm numb for awhile so it wouldn't hurt right away when you woke up. Doctor Whale should be-"

On cue, a man in scrubs walked in and explained more about Killian's amputation and what the next few days in hospital were going to entail. At the end of it, Killian felt a little sick and a lot tired, so when Emma tried to get up to give him some room, he gripped her hip tightly and pulled her in close.

She stayed.

The nerve block wore off a few hours later and tore Killian from vaguely threatening nightmares. The world was a little blurry without his glasses on and the numbers that usually danced through his vision at the slightest call were terrifyingly silent, lost in the expanse of pain and confusion that had been his recent history. He groped for the pain pump Whale had explained to him, needing the relief and possibly the dreamless sleep, but was waylaid by a nurse coming into the room. Killian didn't recall meeting her before, and the dark look in her eyes told him he needed all his faculties about him if he were to survive the encounter.

Boy, whatever meds they have you on are making you melodramatic, he thought idly as the woman came closer.

"She really shouldn't be sleeping there," the woman commented severely, pointing to the other bed in the room. "We've provided accommodations for her on your therapist's demands."

Killian's arm tightened around Emma's back. That other bed was so far away, she couldn't... he couldn't- "Please," he croaked. "I need her here."

The nurse was very clearly unimpressed with his plea. "You need to rest and recover. That doesn't include-"

He shook his head, interrupting her. Killian tried to make her understand again. "I've lost... With her here, I..." he couldn't put it into words.

When the woman reached out towards Emma's shoulder, Killian forced himself to explain.

"I love her, and when you love someone, you protect them. With this" - he raised his left arm a centimeter or two from its perch - "gone, I know I've lost all of that. And God knows she doesn't need anyone to fight her battles for her. But with her here, where I can hold her, it feels a little bit like I could still protect her if I had to. I..." he trailed off when the nurse's hand fell back to her side.

He didn't know how else to reason with the woman, didn't know what else he could say to make her leave Emma with him. All he knew was that with her at his side, Killian felt like maybe someday - a long time coming, but some day - he could be almost whole again.

"She's the one thing left to me that makes it all worth it."

Tagging: @gusenitsaa, @katie-dub, @kiwistreetswan, @lenfazreads, @xhookswenchx, @killian-whump, @eala-captian, @kmomof4, @onceuponaprincessworld, @couldnthandleit

#cs ff #csbb #cs fic #ouat ff #ouat fic

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accio-ambition · 7 years

Text

I know, I know, I broke the rules, but aren't rules meant to be broken on occasion?

Four million thanks to @captainswanbigbang, @sotheylived, @shipsxahoy, and @queen-icicle-fandom for supporting and even encouraging the feels in these last couple of chapters.

Now have some more angst.

Summary: Bouncing around with her son for the majority of her life, Emma Swan has told herself she’s happy in the city. It’s where the most camera operating jobs are, and that’s how she makes her money. But when an old friend calls her and asks for her help on a new project in small town Maine, Emma finds herself in a place she’s never been with people she doesn’t know filming a profession she knows nothing about. But when the captain of the ship she’s filming begins taking a keen interest in her and her life, she finds herself wondering whether she might just catch something other than fish. Deadliest Catch AU Rating: M Content warning: Character death, some violent situations

FFnet/Ao3/Cover/Snapshots/Gifset/Manip

Chapter Twenty

Emma Swan has endured some long nights in her life. The cold ones where her shivers were the only way to keep her warm at night. The empty ones where she sat awake, eyes wide and stomach growling. The lonely ones where the closest thing to human interaction – to a friend – was the car that served as her bed. Even the single night she sat in a jail cell, ankle cuffed to a bed while contractions wracked her body.

Those were nothing compared to this one.

Not only is Killian lying in a bed, lifeless and pale, so far away from the vibrant, innuendo-ready man that he is normally, but Liam is gone.

And his little brother – the light of his world, the only blood to ever care for him – doesn’t know.

The tears roll down Emma’s cheeks almost nonstop.

The nurses work around her, like she’s another machine working to keep Killian alive at the side of his bed. And, in a way, she thinks, she is. Without Liam, he needs a reason to fight, to come back.

To fight and come back to her.

When she first came into his hospital room, about four hours after initially arriving, it was jarring. Killian was breathing on his own, thank god, but the sheer number of wires and tubes leaking into his body was breathtaking. And his arm: his left arm stopped short of his wrist.

“Be careful of his left side,” the nurse advised her. “It got the brunt of the wreck. It’s going to be tender for a while.”

Emma nodded wordlessly, the image before her choking back any sort of verbal response.

“He’s going to be fine, Ms. Swan,” the nurse said quietly. “He’s a fighter, but he probably won’t wake up for 12 hours at the least. He can hear you, though.” Gently, she pressed Emma into the room. “Talk to him. It’ll help his progress.”

A scratchy “thank you” was all Emma could say. The nurse nodded and headed back to the nurses’ station, leaving her all alone with her hurting, healing pirate.

The nurse was the first of many to tell her to talk to Killian. They said so every time they came in to check his vitals, but it feels wrong. She wouldn’t be talking to him – talking to him involved banter, a back-and-forth, god even his incessant flirting. No, she’d be talking at him.

So she does the next best thing: she scales her own walls to cross over his while they are down. Her hand slips into his where it’s lying on the bed. It’s cold and there’s an IV in the way. But she doesn’t let go. Not even to itch her nose. Her hand stays in his because it is the one reassurance she can give him.

During the night, when she finds herself uncomfortable or her back aching, all she does is glances up at Killian’s face. It’s peaceful, laugh lines evident and eyes flitting behind the lids. If not for the slight bruises forming and marks on his cheeks, she could be sitting next to him on his bed, waiting for him to wake up and partake in round two of three of mind-blowing sex. Maybe she’d even been able to persuade Killian into torturing Liam with theatricalities through the thin bedroom walls.

Then she remembers the news that’s waiting to be told when he awakes and Emma reevaluates her circumstances.

At some point, she miraculously falls unconscious, her head pillowed on her elbow resting on the bed. She doesn’t hear the nurses come in periodically or the hum of the machines. The only reason she knows she ever fell asleep is the sensation of pressure squeezing her hand.

Slowly uncurling from her hunched position, Emma squints. The sun peeks through the blinds, far brighter than it should be. There’s a kink in her neck and her back and – well, she’s going to pay for her sleeping arrangements all day.

But then the pressure grabs her attention again. Looking down at her hand, she begins to piece together the meaning. Her eyes follow the lines of his body – from his wrist, up his arm, across the scratches that marred his face to the hazy blue of his eyes.

Killian’s awake, and the first thing he sees is her, puffy eyes, rat's nest hair, and all.

She doesn’t think she’s ever been this happy and sad in her life.

“Swan, darling,” he says, his voice scratchy and low. “What are you doing here?”

Ten minutes ago, Emma would’ve said she was fine. She’s been through hell and worse in her eyes. But the moment Killian asks his question, the tears start anew. Without saying anything, he can read Liam’s death in her eyes and he shakes his head minutely. He squeezes his hand and hers by default.

“No.” It’s desperate, but not begging. He sighs in distress, turning so his eyes stare up at the ceiling instead of at her. “I was with him,” he says quietly, eyes closing. “The storm was too much and he was getting cold, so he and I hung on to each other to keep warm.”

Biting her lip is the best she can do to keep from breaking. The pain and threat of blood centers her, lets her focus on Killian’s pain. That’s what matters most right now: he’s lost everything.

“We’re survivors, Emma, Liam and I. We get through anything together.”

But that rips her heart to pieces, and the waterworks begin in earnest. “Coast Guard picked you both up at the same time,” she tells him, trying to keep her sobs to a minimum to get the information out. “They had the hardest time prying you two apart, but once they figured out…”

She needs to get the words out. They both know that. Killian will not be able to start grieving properly until he knows without a shadow of a doubt. Emma takes a deep breathe before quietly, solemnly saying, “He’s gone, Killian. Liam died honorably.”

“What?” Killian spits out. “In a crash? In a storm? He survived that, Swan. To be killed as he’d already been beat isn’t honorable.”

Emma shakes her head and squeezes his hand. The motion brings his attention back to her, his eyes shooting to hers. “He died protecting his baby brother, Killian,” she whispers. “He died so that you could live.”

Killian corrects her immediately, a pavlovian response – “Younger brother.” – and she watches his eyes widen as he realizes that never again will his elder brother tease him.

And that’s when he breaks.

0000

Having had the misfortune of being around Killian when he’s tired, hungry, angry, and just about every other negative emotion on the spectrum, she has an idea of what to expect with grieving Killian.

It’s completely wrong. While she suspected he would rage, he doesn’t: he just sits silently more often than not. He’ll greet her when she comes to visit, engage in small talk because he’s gentleman enough to not leave her hanging, but that’s really it. He doesn’t laugh at her bad jokes. He doesn’t crack a smile. He just...doesn’t.

The only time he seems remotely happier is when she brings Henry along on her visits. It’s like her son can understand where Killian is mentally. They discuss the weather and the basics of Henry’s schooling, but then Jones will fall silent. So Henry fills the air with stories – he brings in the story he has to read for class or the anthology of fairy tales he loves and reads them aloud. Emma can see the tension slowly ease out of Killian’s rigid positioning while her son’s young voice bounces off the walls.

It all comes back, though, when a nurse walks in, or she sneezes, whenever the magic of the moment is broken. And it breaks her.

She knows that he’s strong – hell, he fought back death for a couple more decades at least in his weakened state – and she knows that he’ll recover both physically and mentally eventually, but his emotional state has her worried.

He needs to talk about it, to someone. If not her, than David or one of his crew boys. A therapist even, though she knows he won’t approach or even contemplate that method of healing.

So for now, Emma brings Henry along with her as much as she can. Because at least when her son’s around, Killian seems almost like his old self.

And she knows that their time together is helping Henry heal, too. Emma insisted on being the one to tell him, coming home from the hospital to shower once Killian was stable enough. Belle had taken the seat by his bed, had decided to talk to him because, as it turns out, she and Liam were together. They were supposed to go camping that weekend, and they were going to tell everyone officially once they returned. They were going to pick out a Christmas tree for Belle’s apartment, have the holiday dinner together. He was going to meet her father.

But some stories get cut short.

(It’ll do her good, Emma reasons. She gets to tell Killian about a different side of his brother. It’ll help both of them cope somewhat healthily. Hopefully.)

Henry’s still in his pajamas, staying home from school at her request under David’s eye. When she goes to pick him up, ragged and tired beyond belief, he immediately rises from the couch and hugs her. He has no idea what’s wrong, but he can tell she’s in pain. Her baby boy knows that, right now, she needs to be sure that he’s okay, just like he needed to make sure he was okay when the storm nearly mowed the Roger over.

The favor is returned mere minutes later, after Emma explains the whole ordeal and he’s sobbing into her shoulder on the couch. He’s lost one of his best friends, if the Jones’ spot on their Christmas list was any indication, and she’s sure it hurts more than anything he’s ever experienced. Liam was nothing if not an older brother to all three of them - knocking Killian into shape for the majority of his life, teasing Emma at every opportunity, and entertaining Henry when no one else had the patience or wherewithal to do so. Together, they’re a little quartet that’s lost their leader.

And they’ll get through it, eventually.

Together.

#csbb #captain swan big bang #cs ff #ouat #captain swan #i know #im the worst #tbh the beginning of this chapter made me emotional #like i was teary eyed writing this #which doesnt happen often #or at all really #there are at least three more chapters #one might be an epilogue #also i love the idea of henry being one of the biggest bright spots in killians life in this post liam world #it makes my sad heart a little happier #storytime #my words #ditlot

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