#this was the first time I felt that overstimulated and disassociated because of it and wow oh wow was that scary and it fucking sucked

[feralnumberfive]

Being overstimulated is not really fun or funny in any way, but my situation tonight was honestly a little funny looking back on it now that I've calmed down. I was celebrating Pride in a city tonight and was in a bar/club with friends, absolutely overstimulated and disassociating. At one point I was sitting at a bar table alone, had earplugs in, playing word search on my phone, was surrounded by glowsticks and had three on each wrist, the club's DJ was blasting Aqua's "Barbie Girl" while all of the giant screens in the bar randomly displayed different pictures of Tiger Woods. A not fun but a little fun night

[malue-505]

Lazari headcanons?

Ooo Lazari is a key player in my AU so I do have a bunch of headcanons for her! Plus she’s actually one of my favorites, not enough people use her for their AUs honestly

So here’s some headcanons:

Since her inner demon, Lazarus, is the demon of gluttony, she has a very keen sense of smell. It has its ups and downs, sometimes she hates that she can smell stuff very strongly as it could overstimulate her

She’s very skilled with spears and polearms ever since Litamares started training her, I imagine her own spear having a red pink shaft

Toby, Jeff and her can get into some shenanigans and are quite the chaos buddies when they have spare time, Jeff is 100% the instigator

She’s developed a nice bond with Sifreid, who is like the only half sibling of hers that she’s meet so far. When she first met him, she was very curious about him since she felt like she knew him on some level

Lazari still doesn’t know that Zalgo is her father, she knows that she obviously has one but hasn’t put the two together. Sifreid obviously knows but he’s not allowed to tell her yet since Slenderman and the Proxies believe that she isn’t in the right headspace to know about that yet

This girl has a talent for art, it’s her favorite hobby and she excels at it. Drawings, paintings, sculptures, poems, you name it she’s done it. When she gets into the zone, she gets into the zone. She’s always searching for her “muse” as she calls it, Uncle Helen is proud to say the least

For a few years now, I’ve associated her with the song “Rabbit Hole” by AViVA, the lyrics and the vibe just fit her so damn well. (Thanks @linhfoxmoive for making me never disassociate this song from her-)

She got over her one-sided crush on EJ months ago and now just sees him as an older brother, he’s still kinda awkward around Lazari but he starts warming up to her and sees her as a little sister

Despite growing up and “being too old for plushies,” she still keeps Gums around at her room since he still has a lot of sentimental value to her. She even sleeps with Gums at night till this today

Even though she gets along with Jeff and Toby, she butts heads with BEN a lot. Since they’re both headstrong people, they feel the need to one-up each other whenever they either disagree or agree on something. It’s like constant competition for them

I love to imagine that Zalgo’s cult has an image of how they see each of Zalgo’s kids. Zalgo’s cult sees her as a symbol of the arts and often pray to her for inspiration

I don’t know why but I like the idea of her being British mostly because Swann sounds like a stereotypical British last name to me and also because I feel like she would sound adorable with one. Still not sold it completely for my AU though

She can think fast and be creative while on her feet which is why she does very well in a fight and doesn’t often resort to using her spear. She also uses her Zalgoid abilities sparingly and has learned to use discipline, especially from Sifreid and Litamares

She and Lazarus get along pretty well for the most part, their relationship is mostly Lazarus telling her dad jokes and her cringing at them

[all-for-geek]

Drawn to the Dark: A Nightmare to Remember Chapter 1: An Invitation

Chapter 2

Fandom: Escape the Night

Summary:  Selena Mordrim ran the Youtube series Melody Parody where she would create music videos of parody songs that she wrote. After hitting one million subscribers, she felt like her life couldn’t go anywhere but up. Then, she received an invitation to a mysterious manor in the 1920s. Selena now finds herself and 11 others fighting for their lives against a dark force that threatens to swallow them whole.

Warnings: death, poison, depictions of overstimulation/disassociation

Disclaimer! The guests in this story are not meant to be depictions of the real people they are based on. I treat the Youtubers as characters within the Escape the Night universe. Additionally, just because I endorse a character within this story does not mean that I endorse their real-life counterpart and vice versa. Over half these people I don't even watch. Enjoy!

Word Count: 2,735

Selena admired herself in the mirror one last time. The glittering red dress only covered her ass because of the tassels dangling from it and the slight “cover” of the fishnets. It had taken her nearly an hour to get the feathered headdress to sit properly on her head, but she had to admit that it contrasted nicely against her pinned up jet black hair. The outfit was definitely… flashier than what Selena normally wore, but she supposed that that was the point. She was The Flapper after all. She was just thankful that she had found a nice pair of black flats to wear instead of heels. 

A car horn blared outside of her apartment. Selena tugged her dress down one last time and eyed her phone. For a moment, she considered taking it. Joey had never mentioned when they would all get back after dinner, and she didn’t want to end up stranded in the dark looking like she just walked out of speakeasy. God forbid, something bad happened! The driver honked their horn again, and Selena ran out leaving the phone behind. Joey had been insistent that no one bring any modern technology, and she didn’t want to make a bad impression.

The car looked like it rolled right out of 1920. If it wasn't in such pristine condition, she would have sworn that it was authentic. As she stepped in and faced the border that blocked her from the driver, she couldn’t help but wonder if Joey had inherited more than just a house. 

Four years ago, Selena would never have dreamed that she would be personally invited to a Youtube party. She had been a recent college graduate from film school at UCLA trying desperately to get a break along with the thousands of other starry-eyed dreamers in LA. She spent the majority of that first year serving coffee and waiting for the nearly 100 studios she applied to never get back to her. Eventually, she got a  position at Youtube in their media department. She worked on various projects where she was able to network with other content creators to find more work. This was actually how she met Joey when he reached out to her to help him with this idea for a music video he had. Just a year ago, Selena considered making Youtube videos. She would make small parody songs on her own, so she figured that she might as well try and post them. In a remarkably quick time, she was gaining a decent following and making full music videos for her songs. She was even in the beginnings of writing her first original song for a one million subscriber special. She was still new to the Youtube scene, so an invitation like this is something that she could never pass up.

Selena gasped as the impossible pulled her out of her thoughts. Seemingly out of nowhere appeared a beautiful house that would have felt at home in an Agatha Christie novel. The road to the house was long and empty save for a few trees and grasslands. It should have been visible for miles and yet it only came into view as the car rolled past the gate. Joey had mentioned that the house would appear like magic, but Selena did not think that he meant it literally.

A handsome man wearing a well-tailored suit and tie opened the car door and extended his hands to help Selena out. Selena was too caught up in the theatrics of it all to notice the slight electric shock as she took the man’s hand.

“Welcome, Ms. Mordrim,” the man said, giving a slight bow.

“Thank you,” Selena replied, although her eyes never left the gorgeous building in front of her.

The man chuckled. “I see you are already taken with the house.”

“It’s beautiful,” she admitted. “There’s something about it…I can’t quite put my finger on it.” 

“The House has ensnared many since its creation. All are drawn by something different. The architecture. The air of mystery. Some claim that it is something spiritual. Tell me: What draws you to it?”

Selena scanned the building as she took in what the man told her. There was a part of her that knew that what he was saying was weird, but…she could feel it. There was something…calling to her. Something she had only felt once a long time ago. She squashed the feeling as quickly as it came. She was probably just excited for the party. 

“A party I believe,” she answered with a cheeky smile.

The man smiled. “You’re in luck then. There is one happening just on the other side of that door.” He gestured up a staircase to the main entrance. “I hope you enjoy your night Ms. Mordrim.”

“As do I,” Selena replied more to herself than to the man.

As she walked up with the other lambs, the man stared at his hand that still tingled slightly from the shock. He smiled to himself. This night just became a little more interesting.

If it were possible, the inside of the house was even more extravagant than the outside. The dark wood shone from the light of the chandelier overhead. All the other guests, dressed in their best 1920s attire, added an extra layer to the spectacle. Selena scanned the room and made eye contact with LeLe who motioned for her to join her and the women standing next to her. LeLe was one of the few people that Selena had worked with in her short time on Youtube, and she breathed a sigh of relief that there were in fact people here that she knew. 

The two looked stunning in their get ups. LeLe was in a glittering, tight fitted black and silver dress adorned with pearls and a silver headdress. The other was wearing a feathery white dress with a tiara. LeLe gasped as Selena walked to them.

“Girl you gotta warn me next time you decide to be all sexy!” LeLe exclaimed. Selena felt her cheeks heat up as her colleague complimented her.

“Uh thanks.”

“Give the whole twirl girl. Come on.” Selena spun around in her fringed dress careful not to spin too fast as to end up in a Marilyn Monroe situation. “If I was a lesbian we would be having a fun time tonight.”

“I…don’t know how to respond to that but…thanks?”

“Seriously, you look really good,” the woman standing next to them added.

“So do you! I’m Selena by the way.”

Selena extended her hand toward the woman. She gingerly took it with her fingertips and gave a deep bow.

“I am…Sierra, if you please,” Sierra said in a hushed tone with an accent that Selena assumed was supposed to be British.

“Girl what the hell are you doing?” LeLe's response sent all three women into a fit of laughter.

“I was trying to like, get into the whole “Heiress” character,” Sierra explained. “It’s weird. I’ve never been to a party like this where you’re given a character.”

“I’ve never been to a party where the house appears out of nowhere like a freakin’ ghost,” LeLe interjected, “Joey is one weird dude.”

“Where is he anyway?” Selena asked.

As if one cue, Joey came down the stairways in his 1920's-style tuxedo. Everyone cheered for him as he welcomed everyone to the party. He introduced his staff that, apparently, had also come with the house. Selena recognized the butler, Arthur, as the man who had helped her out of the car. Sarah, the maid, was slightly hunched over with her head down. It made her already small frame appear tiny. Selena shivered as a cold breeze sent a chill up her spine. Luckily, Joey had just promised them drinks. That should warm her right up.

Selena found herself sitting at a poker table with Justine, GloZell, and Tim. She had heard of Tim and GloZell before but had never gotten a chance to meet any of them. GloZell, true to her role as the Jazz Singer, was singing nearly every time she played a hand. At one point, Selena began to sing along with her when she heard a song that she knew. GloZell immediately stopped and glared at her. 

“Nuh uh, honey,” she said. “You might sing good, but I don’t do duets.”

There was a momentary pause at the table. Selena began to shrink in on herself as Justine and Tim watched for her reaction. She hadn’t noticed the joking smile on GloZell’s face as she shrank into her shell. GloZell’s face softened, and she placed her hand on Selena’s.

“Why don’t you do some of your fancy footwork while I sing along. You can even sing back-up. We’ll make it an act!” she added dramatically. 

Selena squeezed Glozell’s hand thankfully before a smirk creeped across her face. “Bold of you to assume that you could afford me as back-up.” The whole table broke into laughter before continuing to play. 

After realizing that Justine is much better at poker than they all thought, the maid came in to announce that dinner was ready. The whole group moved into the dining hall where everyone had a name card placed out for them. Selena was a little shocked when she found her spot at the head of the table opposite Joey.

“Well somebody had to be,” Joey explained, “And seeing as you're the latest hot trend, I figured you earned it.” Selena smiled and took her place by Tim and a woman in all black that she learned was Andrea.

The group talked and laughed as they ate. Many of the women were trying to get close to Joey for his money. GloZell even tried to serenade him. Selena shook her head. While the house was beautiful, the pull that she still felt to it creeped her out. It would take a lot of money to convince her to stay in it. Besides, Joey was as much her type as she was his.

As the group continued to gossip, they noticed that two members were missing. Eva and Shane had apparently not been seen since dinner started. Selena thought back to the rounds of poker she had played. While she had never met Eva, she knew of Shane and saw him sneak away with a woman shortly before dinner was called. While the rest of the group oohed like a bunch of middle schoolers, Joey’s face scrunched in disdain. Before Selena could comment on it however, the two came walking into the dining room. Shane briefly made eye contact with Selena and scowled. She tried not to let her confusion show on her face. Did he already not like her? She hoped not. It would become a long night if she had to start avoiding people.

The mood quickly shifted as the two were interrogated on where they had gone. Eva insisted that she had just gone to piss, but Shane seemed to dodge the question at every turn. It didn’t help when Arthur came in to deliver a telegram to Shane. This made no sense to Selena. Why would someone deliver a telegram of all things? Who even sent telegrams anymore?

Shane’s cocky smirk from being the only one to receive a telegram faded once he read it. He started coughing violently and slumped down on the ground. Much of the group began to crowd around him, but one man wearing the best 11th doctor cosplay read the note and announced that Shane had been poisoned. 

“Ah, now it makes sense,” Selena thought, “Joey invited us here for a murder mystery party. That explains the theme. Shane must have been in on it. This actually sounds kinda - OH MY GOD THAT’S A HUMAN HEAD!”

Sure enough, the maid brought in their “last course” that would help them find the antidote for Shane only to reveal a severed head. All at once, the screams and shouts began to muffle as Selena’s vision darkened. She gripped the back of her chair for balance. This was too much. If it was real, she was going to watch somebody die. If it wasn’t, this was going way too far to just be a bit for a party. She felt a hand gently squeeze her shoulder. 

“Hey are you okay?” The voice sounded far away, but it was enough to bring Selena back to reality. As her vision cleared, she saw Andrea standing next to her with a worried look.

“Not really,” Selena whispered with a chuckle. “Someone is about to die.”

“Maybe not. Apparently there are these glasses that could help us open this box that could help us find the antidote for Shane.”

Selena blinked. “What?”

“Yeah I don’t really get it either, but that’s what the note said to do so…” Andrea shrugged and made sure that Selena had regained her balance before going off to try and help the others. Selena noticed a chest on the other end of the room by the window. On top of it was a drinking glass with an odd symbol on it. She looked around and noticed an identical glass sitting in a nearby cabinet. As she picked it up, her thumb brushed against the symbol on the glass and the symbol glowed briefly. The glass became incredibly hot. Selena ran over to put it down on the chest before it burned her hand. As she inspected her hand for any damage, LeLe ran up with the glass and the chest opened. Her hand seemed to be fine.

Apparently, the antidote was broken into three pieces hidden nearby. Selena went with LeLe and the Matt Smith cosplayer, who she had learned was, ironically, named Matt, and another man named Oli. They discovered fairly quickly that the antidote was hidden inside a maze trapped in a box. The problem was getting it out. They couldn’t see the maze or the box and had to simply feel around for it and pass to each other. LeLe and Matt began to argue as the box kept getting lost or being pushed into a corner. Selena tried to mediate the two of them, but as Arthur called out that Shane had five minutes left, she resorted to pushing Matt out of the way and working with Oli. Oli grinned as he declared that he could feel the box coming out of the maze. Not a second after, Arthur announced that Shane was dead. 

We all reconvened in the dining room around Shane’s body. Everyone was shouting and accusing everyone else of murdering him. Their voices all began to meld into one as the stress of the evening began to weigh on Selena. Her eyes were pulled to Shane’s body like a magnet. It was almost…peaceful, in that dazed blur of voices. Like her mind could simply float from this house and fly somewhere, anywhere else. Something nudged her side and tugged her back down to find the group staring at her.

“You good, girl?” LeLe asked. “What do you think of all this?”

“I…um…” Selena was thankfully saved from answering by Joey who had found a note in Shane’s pocket. Shane had apparently been a part of some organization called the Society Against Evil that had sent him to stop the evil in the house. But that evil got to him first. Selena sighed in relief upon hearing that no one in the room was a murderer. 

The relief was short-lived as Joey announced that in order to defeat the evil, they would have to endure death challenges to collect relics that could trap the evil forever. If they didn’t, they would be stuck in the 1920s forever.

This time, Selena was not the only one that was done with the murder house. The group made a mad dash for the car that had brought them here. Not everyone could fit, but maybe they could get people in rounds or find help once they were gone. 

That plan, however, went up in a cloud of smoke. Literally. The car exploded. As the heat of the flames singed the feathers on her headpieces, Selena’s vision blurred and darken. She barely registered falling to the ground, or was she caught? Someone called her name, but whether the voice came from those around her or inside her own head she was not lucid enough to be sure.

“Selena.”

[koravelliumavast]

I am only about halfway through the first Wheel of Time book and I believe that Rand is very much autistic or ADHD/ADD coded and I have proof from the book that relates to my own personal instances.

From chapter one. Rand feels jittery whenever he talks to Egwene and doesn’t want to think about her much because he knows that she is aware of his thoughts for her.

He also has mentioned the flame and the void quite a few times after this instance so far in the book. This is definitely one of his mantras.

Here Rand is showing overstimulation. Baerlon is definitely louder and busier than the two rivers. He liked the monotony and routine of the farm life and it shows many more times that I have seen where he’s reminiscing on how simpler it was.

The stimming here could be nervous energy but also just the rocking on his heels really sets it off for me and the fact that hes kind of disassociating along with it. However Rand has a lot of energy and needs to get it out. This Stim isn’t only one that is somewhat small but it’s also something that people would mostly ignore which is really nice too. I hate drawing attention to myself and some of my stims definitely could do that but this one doesn’t. Both earlier and later on in the scene we can see Rand being more nonverbal. The lines

“Rand still rocked on his heels, waiting. The tingle was so strong that he almost quivered; he felt as if he were burning up.

Rand drew a deep breath, and abruptly it was all gone like a pricked bubble. He staggered as it vanished, the realization of what he had just done flooding in on him”

Also exemplify the stimming and nonverbalness that he has at the meeting with the Whitecloaks.

Even more overstimulation in chapter 19. Personally this one is less noticeable but he is like actively being killed or whatever.

Rand here is trying to fit in by imitating Lan. I wouldn’t say masking but he definitely feels like he’s out out place. Granted he is very out of place because having never left the two rivers, but still.

Rand likes to repeat himself things a lot as a self-soothing tactic. This is a thing that I do and it really helps when there’s too much going on but I can’t do anything about it. Rand has quite a few mantras that he says throughout the course of the book.

Here he is also blaming himself for failures that aren’t his fault. I don’t know if this is a common autistic trait but I do it all the time and it’s not a good habit to keep.

Here is another instance of Rand repeating things to himself for self-soothing and to stop him from spiraling out of control of things. Again I do this quite a bit in a number of settings when there are a large number of things that are out of my control that I can’t work with.

Rand here is soothing himself and trying to block out painful moments. I do that quite a bit. Rand also is kind of forcing himself to not talk because that would draw attention to him (which he doesn’t want at all)

Rand gets uneasy when people stare at him quite a lot. I get very uncomfortable whenever I have to make eye contact with people or I feel like people are staring at me. It makes me very uneasy and it’s very hard to shake that feeling but if I find my friends it’s easier to help with that feeling. Rand is doing the same thing here.

Here Rand is displaying very impulsive behavior that isn’t clearly thought out. I do that all the time and I truly feel like impulsivity is one trait that we can’t discredit when it comes to the autism spectrum. It’s definitely one that isn’t mentioned as much but it is still a problem.

In conclusion:

I’m excited to read more of the book series because i like the characters and I really relate to Rand. Also I watched the first episode of the show, went wait no I want to read the book and wow there are so many differences between the show and the book. Anyways I truly believe that Rand is on the autistic spectrum and that he needs a hug.

[sourwolphs]

Like an Animal - Bucky x Reader (6/8)

Read on Ao3 (for better interface + formatting)

Summary: Reader is an enhanced Omega kidnapped by Hydra and trapped in a cell with Alpha Bucky Barnes. Tags: A/B/O, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Steve Rogers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending Warnings: Rated M, Self-hating inner dialogue  A/N: I ended up writing this chapter from both Reader's and Bucky's perspective because I couldn't choose between them, and had to puzzle piece my favorite parts together. 

A few hours after Steve left, Bucky found himself dozing slightly on the couch in his dark living room. He’d long abandoned his book on the side table, leaving an old black and white rerun of The Lone Ranger on mute on the TV, flashing light across his stretched out form.

When he’d first come back to the compound, before Shuri had removed the words from his brain in Wakanda, he’d spend many nights outside of his body, doing nothing just like this— the sound of the TV too overstimulating, words on the page swimming away from comprehension, unable to focus on anyone or anything for long. Instead, he’d just sit and drift, letting his mind go blank. Sam had called it “disassociating”— whatever the fuck that means. He hadn’t been like this in a few years— this out of himself— not after Wakandan’s powerful therapies helped him escape some of the more acute terrors of his brain.

He was startled out of his state by a soft knock on the door. He felt a flash of irritation at Steve’s overprotectiveness, before his hackles raised as he scented Y/N of all people faintly through the door. He jumped up in a panic from the couch, his socked feet silent on the floor as his eyes took a rapid inventory of his apartment. There was a sweaty pile of gym clothes on the other side of the couch that he first hurled into his closet. Then, he flicked on the lamp and the soft kitchen light, quickly looped his fingers through a few mugs cluttering the coffee table, and dropped them in the sink before he approached the door.

Without allowing himself to think too hard about why she was here— Did she figure out the gifts? — or take a deep breath— he opened the door.

Despite his held breath, her scent hit him all at once— a rush of spicy-sweet peppermint, the crisp, clean smell of snowfall— strong enough with its source right in front of him that it burned his nose a bit on the inhale. Bucky swore his heart skipped several beats.

She was dressed in a cozy-looking, quarter zip pullover and a comfortable pair of black joggers, just like the kind that Nat wears— functional, clean lines, hugging her form in all the right places. Her hair was slightly mussed, as if she’d just gotten up from the couch after a nap. It was so cozy, so domestic, it made his heart ache with renewed want. But underneath her sweet peppermint smell lay the warm and familiar newspaper-ink scent of Steve. Paired with her cozy, slightly disheveled state, it was as if she had just extricated herself from his arms to show up at Bucky’s door.

Bucky’s inner Alpha fought between roaring in possessive rage and wilting in cowed rejection, but he forced his expression into careful neutrality.

They stared at each other for a moment, neither speaking. Her facial expression looked stricken, and Bucky realized how weird he was being. He’d puffed out his chest without noticing— all Alpha instinct and posturing at the whiff of Steve’s scent— and he quickly readjusted, folding his form into a more relaxed lean against the door.

What do you say to the gorgeous Omega you violated, avoided for a month, and then left creepy gifts to when she shows up at your door at 10pm? Before he could mumble out something to break the awkward silence, she interrupted the panicked swirl of his thoughts.

“Hi,” she said. Her voice was high and tight, like she was trying not to inhale. Even Steve had said his apartment smelled. He felt shame curl tight in his gut, and he had to stop himself from closing the door to shut himself and his depressing stench away. “I’m sorry, I came here to talk to you about something, but I’m feeling kind of— dizzy?” Y/N’s expression looked dazed, and she started to sway a little on her feet.

Bucky’s Alpha instincts immediately kicked into overdrive, urging him to scoop her into his arms, hold her tight, snuggle her into his den until she was healthy and clear-headed. But now that she was here, the rational part of his brain was much more terrified at the possibility of scaring her off. Act. Normal.

“Do you want to sit down?” he said, swallowing hard as he opened his door further. Inviting an unbonded Omega into an Alpha’s den was toeing the line of socially acceptable— at least when he was growing up in the 30s— but she didn’t seem fazed by the invitation, nodding and slipping inside. He gestured towards the couch, giving her a wide enough berth that she wouldn’t feel caged in— surrounded by his scent as she was— and she chose to sit in the same, still-warm spot where he’d just been lying, sinking back into the couch cushions. Bucky felt equally satisfied and pained at the thought that her smell would cling to his favorite spot for weeks. He plopped across from her in the armchair where Steve had been just hours before, aiming for nonchalance.

“Sorry,” she said again, waving her hand next to her head. “I think I’m just… overtired or something.” She yawned, kitten-like. His Alpha roared inside him, fingers twitching with the urge to reach out, to touch, but he held himself perfectly still.

“It’s okay,” he said. “So…” He trailed off, clearing his throat awkwardly. Bucky Barnes, ladies and gentleman. God, he was a fucking loser.

Y/N took a deep, steadying breath, bracing her hands on her thighs. “I came here to apologize.”

——-

After the movie ended and Sam finished showing us 6 deleted scenes and 10 YouTube interviews, I finally slipped quietly out of my new blanket nest and away from the steadying comfort of the Alpha-Omega sandwich. I paced for a bit in the hallway outside Bucky’s room, gearing myself up for what would likely be an awkward confrontation with a man I knew well intimately but hardly personally. As much as I’d like for him to sweep me off my feet and into the safety and comfort of his den, he’d probably tell me I was delusional and that he was avoiding me because he wanted to be left alone. That’s why I figured it was probably best to start with an apology.

What I did not prepare for during my anxious pacing was the overwhelming Alpha scent that washed over me the minute he opened the door. It was like getting hit in the face by a truck full off pheromones designed specifically to reduce me to a shivering, keening puddle on the floor. Every clever thing I planned to say flew right out the window as I swayed under the strength of his gaze and the delicious cedar wood and bonfire scent that curled around me.

Inside his apartment wasn’t any better. I should have asked to meet on neutral ground, I thought immediately after stepping through the door. Everywhere smelled like him. Even the couch underneath me was still warm from where he was probably curled up before I’d interrupted. It took all my strength to quiet the dizzying rush of hormones in my head, breathe in deeply through my mouth, and spit out what I came here to say.

“I came here to apologize,” I said, gulping down the ridiculous, submissive words my hindbrain wanted to follow up with. I’m so sorry, Alpha. It wasn’t my fault. I can be better for you.

Bucky looked… confused. “Apologize?”

“Yes. Apologize,” I said, feeling my cheeks heat up with embarrassment. “I know we… did what we had to do. When we were trapped. And I’m sorry that I… reacted the way I did. I know heats are really intense. For everyone. I know I made you uncomfortable, and you probably don’t want anything to do with me.” I paused again, biting hard on my lower lip as my stomach roiled with embarrassment. I looked down at my lap, where I was digging my fingers hard into my thighs, and forced out the last few words. “But I couldn’t help it. And I’m sorry I went into heat. I think it was the purring. I’ve… never felt that. Before.”

I didn’t look up from my lap at first, wincing internally. Bucky’s silence after my lousy attempt at an apology hurt worse than anything so far. The least he could do is acknowledge that it wasn’t my fault.

I took a shaky inhale, and felt a lump build up in my throat. Goddamnit. Don’t fucking cry. Not now.

“I— This was a mistake,” I said, sniffling hard and willing the tears rapidly welling up in my eyes not to fall. I finally looked up from my lap, bracing myself to stand and backtrack the hell out of here, when I simultaneously saw the look on Bucky’s face and caught the scent of absolutely devastatedAlpha.

“Don’t leave,” he said, voice deep and rough, on the edge of an Alpha command. I froze instantly, though it wasn’t because he’d compelled me to. Alpha commands only worked on their bonded Omegas and their offspring.

No, I froze because Bucky looked… heartbroken. It was the only time I’d seen an ounce of vulnerability on his face, besides that moment in the cell when he’d first realized he was falling into a chemically-induced rut. My eyes flicked down to where his metal hand was fisted so hard in the arm of his chair that the seams were starting to rip.

Before I could blink it away, I felt one unruly tear slip down my cheek, though my own shame and embarrassment had taken a backseat once I’d recognized Bucky’s distress.

“I— Fuck,” he said. Faster than I could register, Bucky heaved himself forward, sinking down onto his knees on the floor in front of me, hands clutching at the couch cushions on either side of my thighs. Our eyes locked, and I lost myself in twin pools of grey-blue. His scent burned on my next inhale, sharp and distressed, the sour stench of guilt that lingered in the corners of his apartment.

“Why are you apologizing?” Bucky’s voice was a breathy, raspy growl. It sent a thrill up my spine, and for a moment, I didn’t register that he’d asked me a question. This close, I could feel the heat of his skin, see the stubble on his jaw, scent that delicious smell of him— like snowmelt, like the wind on your face, like a deep inhale at the summit of a mountain…

Bucky broke his gaze first, growling low and dark in his chest. “I should be the one apologizing. I should have already. But I—“ He cut himself off, lip curling in disgust as he leaned away from me. I felt a sharp, stabbing pain in my chest. Alpha doesn’t want you.

I inhaled hard, suppressing a sob, feeling more hot tears run down my cheeks.

I needed to leave. Now. I wasn’t in control of my emotions. This was embarrassing. “Clingy Omega sobs in disinterested Alpha’s apartment.” What would the pack think of me?

I moved to stand up again, but the low-grade growl in Bucky’s chest sharpened, and he lurched forward, crowding me back against the couch cushions.

Before I could even register the aggression in his action, or even think to be fearful of him, Bucky had already leaned back out of my space and silenced his growl.

“Fuck! Sorry— I’m. Sorry. Don’t leave yet. I won’t—“ He cut himself off again, shaking his head in frustration, before standing up to put more distance between us again, moving to lean on the back of the armchair across from me with his head in his hands. He took a deep, steadying breath before speaking again. “I should be the one apologizing. Because I… hurt you. I told you that you were safe. And you weren’t. Not from me.”

When he looked up to meet my gaze, his expression looked tortured, but his scent was worse— ashy and acidic, hatred and guilt. Guilt? Why was he…

I swiped hurriedly at the tears on my cheeks, feeling the lump in my throat clear as confusion and exasperation took over.

“What are you talking about? I’m perfectly fine,” I huffed. Well, as fine as one can be when they’re pining over an Alpha who can’t stand to be in the same room as them. Maybe he feels guilty about Hydra restraining me? That’s the only logical explanation I could think of.

“Tony got the cuffs off right when I got back here, it’s not like you could have removed them. They were Terrigen crystal.” I shook my head, and once again moved to stand and leave as the futility of this conversation dawned on me. “Whatever. I’ll just go.”

This time, I got in a few steps towards the door before that low growl started up again and he caught my wrist in his right hand.

I should have been terrified. I should have been running for my life. I should have frozen him into the floor. I was an unbonded Omega in a growling Alpha’s den, soaked in a combination of our distressed pheromones, held in his grasp and unable to leave.

But despite all the reasons I had to roll over and bare my throat in fearful submission, absolutely no part of me felt scared or unsafe.

Bucky’s hand on my wrist was gentle. Not holding me back, but pleading for me to stay. And the feel of his skin on mine made something hot, desperate and dark curl within me.

His voice was rough when he spoke again, my back still turned half away from him. “In that cell. I… forced myself on you. You trusted me enough to fall into a heat, and I took advantage. You shouldn’t be apologizing, because you should hate me.”

When I turned back around, the raw expression on his face made my stomach lurch. He looked… devastated. Ashamed. Vulnerable. Afraid.

Feeling hysterical, I couldn’t help a little nervous giggle from bubbling up in my throat.

All this time, this big, dumb, handsome, superhero Alpha had really thought he’d violated me in some way. Me. The Omega who had practically rubbed her entire body in his scent, who had stayed up for hours yearning for his Alpha purr, who’d had sex dreams about him dirty enough to make a pornstar shudder.

“Are you fucking with me?” I said.

Bucky frowned earnestly. “No… I—“

“So you’ve been leaving me secret gifts because you felt… guilty?” I said, knowing I was putting him on the spot. Something about being in his presence, in his den, was making me bold— finally giving in after a month of exasperation, of chest-aching pain.

Bucky’s eyes widened, and he had the sense to look a bit sheepish, dropping my wrist from where his hand still encircled it. “Uh. It wasn’t—I was just— I’ll stop if you—“ he said, stumbling over his words.

His nervousness, I noted absurdly, was charming.

That’s when I suddenly realized that here, surrounded by Bucky’s scent, close enough to touch, I felt lighter than I had in over a month. The dull ache in my chest had lifted, and in its place, all I felt was an incredible sense of rightness.

Comfort Alpha, my Omega murmured, crawling back up from the recesses of my brain where I’d shoved her away earlier.

And, well, I was tired of fighting her. Fuck it.

“Bucky,” I laughed, cutting off his sputtering. “You— You didn’t force anything on me. We were both out of our minds. Hell— I’m still out of my mind! I’ve been pining over you for a month. My fucking chest,” I said, reaching up to worry at my sternum where the pain had been centered.

“You— What?”

————

As soon as Y/N had settled into the couch, and Bucky’s inner Alpha had registered that she was within reach, soaked in his scent and looking gorgeous and vulnerable, he’d lost it a little.

First— confusingly— she had started apologizing. Then in just a few, rapidly devolving moments, he’d (1) made her scent spike with anger and sadness, (2) watched helplessly as tears clumped in her eyelashes and tracked down her smooth cheeks, and (3) acted like a territorial knotheadwhen she’d tried to leave— as if he hadn’t fucked things up enough.

And now she was… confessing her feelings for him?

That couldn’t be right.

“You— What?”

Bucky recognized that absolutely no part of this conversation had demonstrated his intelligence. He was actually starting to think maybe the serum had given him early onset dementia.

He took a step closer to her, knowing he was pushing it by crowding the Omega in his own territory, but too overwhelmed to care. “But… What about Steve?” he asked. Just being within feet of her, he could smell the newspaper ink scent of his best friend still lingering on her clothes.

Y/N quirked her head. “What about him?” She lifted her arm to take a sniff at her shoulder, seeming to scent what remained of him on her pullover.

Bucky bit hard on the inside of his cheek, fighting a scowl. He wasn’t that dumb. “You two are… you know,” he started, shrugging to hide the hurt. “Together.”

An amused smirk tugged at her lips. “What, did you think I was canoodling with Wanda and Sam as well? The whole pack? Because I smell like all of them, too.”

And, well, yes. This close, Bucky could pick up Wanda’s muted cinnamon smell, Sam’s citrus scent, and even a splash of rosewater from Nat.

Then, Bucky noticed that Y/N’s hand was still worrying at her sternum. In the very same spot where he’d practically rubbed holes in his own shirts over the past month. He matched the motion dazedly, reaching up to place his palm over his own chest. That same nagging thought that had dogged him for weeks in the Brooklyn apartment fought back to the forefront of his mind. Bond withdrawal.

“You feel it too?” he said, his words coming out softer than he’d intended, disbelief coloring his tone.

Bucky watched as her snarky expression melted away, eyes turning serious and contemplative. She took a step forward, now so close that they were breathing the same air, and nodded resolutely.“All day. Every day. Aching. And—” She paused, a fierce blush rising on her cheeks. “Your… purr. I feel like I nee—“

Before his higher functions could process the words coming from her lips, Bucky’s hindbrain took control of his body. He crowded Y/N back into the wall behind them, his arms on either side of her head as he leaned in to take a deep, desperate lungful right at the scent glands on her neck. She tipped her head back instantly, baring her throat to him and letting out a breathy moan that sent his head spinning, her sweet peppermint scent coursing through his veins like the best drug.

In the morning, maybe, he’d regret this.

But right here, right now? Omega really wants him. Fucking finally.

The sight of her bared throat made his Alpha wild with need— the same trusting submission he thought he had abused before, now presented to him without abandon. He replaced his nose on her neck with his lips and tongue, and her body arched against his, their hips lining up. She keened softly, and his cock thickened in his pants, forcing him to bite back a gratified growl as he ran his nose up and down the column of her throat. Her scent was changing, taking on an earthy, musky note, like fallen leaves and wet moss. Arousal. He felt his mouth water, and he could scent his own aroused pheromones filling the air, mixing with hers.  

Was he dreaming? This couldn’t be real. He didn’t deserve this— her trust, her want, her body beneath him.

But Bucky’s inner Alpha was crowing. The feel of her against him, her scent lighting his body on fire from the inside out— it stirred up the deepest, darkest, most possessive Alpha instincts buried deep within. Not Steve’s. Mine. My Omega.

Y/N snaked a hand up his chest, pressing her cool palm to the side of his face and nudging his gaze up to meet hers. Her pupils were blown wide, plush lower lip pulled between her teeth— almost shy. The look shook Bucky out of his mindless Alpha stupor. He had to be sure. Because once he was…

He pulled back slightly so she could breathe. “Is this— Do you want this?” he asked, voice rough with need.

“Yes.”

———

The moment the word slipped from my lips, Bucky finally let go of the tight restraint holding himself back. I knew he was desperate before, when he had his nose buried in my neck. And I could smell the musky, warm flannel scent of his arousal in the air— feel the hard evidence of it against my hip.

But as soon as I’d finally, finally convinced this stupid, perfect, frustratingly dense Alpha that this was what I wanted— what I had wanted from the start— he let out a mind-numbing growl that made my knees go weak and shaky.

Though I was at first anticipating a rough and frenzied claiming— especially after a month of needless separation— I supposed that with Bucky’s extreme handle on his inner Alpha, it would be anything but. And I was right.

His lips were surprisingly gentle where they met mine, but insistent, commanding as he opened my mouth against his, stubble scraping at my cheek. I did my best to match his intensity, kissing back with everything I had, trying hard to communicate with more than words what he hadn’t let himself believe. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me closer to him, and before I could prepare myself, he scooped me up into his arms like I weighed nothing and headed towards the couch.

“No, bed,” I gasped, tearing my lips away from his for a moment. Bucky honest-to-god whined, changing course immediately to carry me further into his den, kicking his bedroom door closed behind him as we entered the space where his scent was thickest. In the low light, I could make out dark furniture and a large bed, which he settled me gently in the middle of, sheets and blankets a delicious, cedar-scented tangle around me. I could feel my heartbeat pick up, arousal thrumming through every nerve ending in my body, slick between my legs coming embarrassingly fast as my Omega prepared for the Alpha my body desperately craved.  

He hesitated for a moment once I was settled, hovering his body above mine, and I could see the glint of his steely eyes tracing down my form. I knew I didn’t look the sexiest in my cozy clothes, and I squirmed uncomfortably underneath his scrutiny, letting out my own indignant whine.

He chuckled— a dark, Alpha sound, then sat back a bit on his haunches to free his hands so that he could trace them down the curve of my sides. He stopped at the hem of my pullover, eyes flicking to meet mine. I nodded, sitting up a bit to let him pull it over my head, taking my bra with it. Once it was off, he hurled it dramatically into the furthest corner of the room, taking the pack’s scent with it. I couldn’t help but laugh at his possessive posturing, before I caught the intense look on his face as his eyes roved over my bare chest and stomach, drinking me in like he was afraid to break the spell by touching.

Goosebumps pebbled the skin of my arms, though not from cold. I reached up to pull him down closer to me, and I could feel him trembling— still holding himself back.

“Bucky,” I pleaded, arching up my lower half to press my core against his leg. He remained still, flesh and metal hands holding my waist firmly in his grasp. “Alpha,” I tried.

That worked.

With a choked-out growl, Bucky surged up against me, pressing hot, open-mouthed kisses from my mouth, down my neck, across my scent glands and to my chest, where he sucked and laved at my sensitive nipples.

“Fucking perfect, Omega,” he breathed, sounding pained. “Smell so good. Like you were made for me. Unbelievable.”

I whined in response, each inhale taking in more of his heady scent, making my head swim. He kissed a hot path from my chest down my belly, nosing at my hip and the waistband of my pants. “Didn’t think you wanted this, doll. Not with me,” he said, flesh hand gripping my side hard enough to bruise. My Omega thrilled at the idea of a mark left behind. Down, girl.

He hesitated at the drawstring of my joggers, his eyes flicking up to meet mine. “Can I make you feel good, Omega?” he panted, mouth slack and plush lips wet. I hitched in a breath at the sight of him, feeling punch-drunk and so overwhelmingly turned on I had to fight the urge to close my eyes. I nodded my consent, but reached out to tug at the shoulder of his shirt first, which he ripped over his head with one hand to reveal the sculpted, shadowy planes of chest. The hard lines of him looked like they were cut from steel. Jesus Christ.

“Please,” I pleaded again, canting up my hips, and he rumbled in response, dragging down my pants and underwear in one smooth glide down my legs. I tightened my thighs together reflexively— still wanting, but momentarily shy at being completely bare for him, and the the thought of the amount of slick he’d find between my legs.

“Perfect,” he practically purred, leaning in to kiss me softly, reassuringly, slotting his hips between my legs until I was spread wide beneath him. He kissed back down my body once my breathing slowed, his cold metal hand leaving goosebumps behind as it trailed down my side to behind my knee, where he lifted my leg to throw it over his shoulder. He paused at my navel, looking up at me one more time. “Okay, doll?”

I took in a shuddering breath, the need for him to touch me overpowering my nerves, before nodding. The corner of Bucky’s mouth turned up in a smirk, making my breath catch in my throat, before he dove between my legs with what could only be described as super soldier-like intensity. He sucked slowly, teasingly at the scent glands on my inner thighs before dragging his nose through my slick folds, lapping up my slick like a man starved. He found my bundle of nerves instantly, beginning a relentless tease with his tongue.

I’d never felt anything like it. A litany of uncontrollable whimpers and moans fell from my mouth as pleasure washed over me in waves.

“Taste so good, Omega,” he growled, throwing his metal arm across my hips to hold me down as I bucked up in need against his face. “Never tasted anything like you.”

My eyes rolled back in my head as I felt his flesh hand drag along the inside of my thigh before he pressed one thick finger slowly inside me. The sounds coming out of my mouth were sinful, and I pushed my face into the pillow beside my head to muffle them as I tightened around the digit.

“Alpha, please,” I begged, squirming as I teetered on the razor sharp edge of release. He carried on, increasing the intense assault with his tongue, before adding another finger next to his first, canting them both up towards my navel in a slow drag inside me. The fullness is what pushed me over the edge with a cry. He loosened his hold on my hips to let me ride it out against his mouth until I pulled away sharply with the sting of oversensitivity. He slipped his fingers from me drenched in slick, bringing heat to my cheeks, before licking his fingers clean with his gaze trained on mine.

“God,” I gasped out as my heart rate started to come down, feeling lightheaded and tingly all over from the best orgasm I’d ever had in my fucking life.

“Thanks, but you can call me Bucky.”

Did he— I barked out a disbelieving laugh at the absolute, shit-eating grin on his face— a carefree, pleased look I hadn’t seen before in the short time I’d known the Alpha.

He laughed with me, before moving back up the bed, pressing his burning hot chest to mine, and leaning in for a slow, lingering kiss. The waistband of his pants dug into my hip, along with the shockingly hard length of him.

“Oh, I didn’t—“ I broke away from his mouth, moving my fingers down to scrabble at the button of his pants, but he gently moved my hand away with one of his own.

“You don’t need to,” he said, his voice deep and rough— sounding just as fucked out as me, though I hadn’t even touched him.

I frowned. “But I want to. Do you not want me to—“

He cut me off with a kiss, before dropping his forehead to my chest. I could feel his breath fanning out across my skin, my nipples peaking in interest even though I felt thoroughly sated already.

“Jesus, doll. Of course I do.” He lifted his head up, meeting my gaze, and I could see his jaw clenching as he fought for the right words. When I’d first met him I’d chalked up his taciturn mannerism as a side effect of the rut, but now, I realized it was just another endearing facet of his personality. He liked to make every word he spoke count. Makes sense when you spent seventy years in a muzzle.

“I don’t want you to feel… pressured,” he finished.

This again? I leaned down, pulling a blanket up and over my frame to cover my naked lower half, and Bucky moved off me slightly.We probably should have talked more before Bucky decided to take me to the astral plane— but I certainly wasn’t complaining about the way things had progressed, and by the scent of proud Alpha that still lingered in the air, he hadn’t minded either.

“Bucky, I don’t blame you for anything that happened in that cell. Not even a little bit,” I began. He sighed, breaking eye contact to look down at his flesh hand, which he’d fanned out across my belly. I wasn’t a petite woman, but underneath his massive hand, I felt… small and safe in the best way. A way that made my Omega sing with pleasure at having found a match that could both provide and protect in the ways I needed him to. “It didn't even occur to me that I should blame you. If anything, I was grateful. You protected me and comforted me in a way that very few Alphas would have been able to while in rut.”

Bucky didn’t say anything, but his scent hadn’t sunk back into the sour distress of our earlier confrontation, so I knew he had heard me. He shifted to lie down on his back, lifting his flesh arm over my head to scoop me against his chest. I snuggled up to meet him, curling up against his side with my head pillowed on his massive bicep.

It felt… right— like two puzzle pieces finally joining— and I was suddenly reminded of the ache, or rather, the lack of it.

“You asked me earlier if I felt it too,” I whispered, the moment quiet and sacred in the muted light of Bucky’s den. I lifted my eyes to look at him to find he was already gazing down at me. “I know this is crazy for me to say, but this just feels so—“

“Right,” he said, finishing my sentence for me. “It feels right. And my chest doesn’t hurt anymore, now that you’re here.”

“It’s gone for me too. Bucky— god— I thought I was going crazy. I thought you hated me. I thought I was going to have to leave the pack,” I whined, feeling the low-level anxiety of the past few weeks rush back in one big wave. Bucky must have scented the intensity of my distress, because he shushed me softly, running a soothing hand up and down my back, before nudging my head onto his chest and starting up that painfully familiar rumble that I’d yearned for for weeks. His purr.

I instantly melted against him, feeling anxiety make way for comfort and bliss as every muscle in my body let go of the tension it was holding. I let out an involuntary moan of relief as I drowned in his purr and the cedar scent that surrounded me like a cocoon.

“’S fucking good,” I slurred, and I could feel Bucky’s laugh cut through the vibrations.

Reluctantly, I pulled my head away from his chest so that I could meet his eyes again. He was still staring, like I was a puzzle he couldn’t decipher. I shivered.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky said. I immediately opened my mouth to protest, but he stopped me. “No, listen. I should have apologized to you as soon as we got back. But I was afraid.” He said it resolutely, unfalteringly. An Alpha admitting their fear was rare. But Bucky wasn’t a typical Alpha. “I was afraid of what I was feeling— of what you might be feeling. And when I saw you with Steve, I just thought—“ he paused, closing his eyes. “I thought I could move on. That you had made the right choice.”

Though my heart hurt to think of the turmoil that Bucky had put himself through over the past month, I had to smirk. Bucky might be different in other ways, but his jealousy over my imagined relationship with Steve was stereotypical Alpha.

“Is that why you started leaving me secret gifts?” I asked teasingly, feeling a smile curling across my lips. “Saw another Alpha swoop in and had to prove you could provide?”

Bucky flopped his head back against the pillow with a groan, scrunching up his eyes in embarrassment, and I laughed at his chagrin.

“I knew it was weird,” he said. “But it made it hurt less. To know I could… provide for you in some way. Sorry. I know I sound like a knothead.”

“Don’t apologize. That blanket will be perfect for our nest,” I said innocently, fluttering my eyelashes. Bucky stiffened under me immediately at the thought. I giggled, and the Alpha rolled back on top of me in a flash, letting out a teasing growl as his arms caged me in.

I squirmed underneath him as he pressed gentle kisses down my neck, tongue laving across my scent glands, sending a jolt of arousal through my thoroughly relaxed body.  

“How do you smell so incredible?” he grumbled against my skin, inhaling deeply. I took the opportunity to move my hand down across his bare chest again, sneaking towards his waistband, but Bucky caught my hand again gently, lacing our fingers together. He stopped his ministrations against my glands, and lifted his face up to meet mine again.

“Not tonight,” he murmured. “But will you stay?”

I nodded then, feeling suddenly shy and exposed underneath him. I wiggled down off the bed to pull on my soft pants and pullover, leaving my bra and slick-soaked underwear on the floor, while Bucky tugged off his pants, leaving him in black boxer briefs that showed off the rippling muscles of his thighs. God. Damn.

As I curled up again next to him, pulling the blankets up and over the tangle of our legs, a bone-deep tiredness settled over me, my body finally feeling relaxed and safe enough to slip into sleep after weeks of insomnia. He pressed a lingering kiss to my forehead, before looping his arms around me firmly and starting up his Alpha purr once again.

Tomorrow, we’d finish talking. Tomorrow, we’d figure out what was up with our strange connection. And tomorrow, it was my turn to make Bucky feel just as good as I had.

But right now? I nuzzled my face into his chest, savoring the cent of cedar and bonfire, and knew—irrevocably— that I was finally home.  

[thingsbighurt]

So. I have a history of anxiety (I used to have upwards of 3 panic attacks a day, couldn’t leave my house except to get food, agoraphobia so bad I couldn’t answer the door,) and some depression (it’s there but the doctors think it’s actually caused by the anxiety and I’ll admit it) and I’ve been taking tryptophan for the past two years, but recently I brought up my major stomach issues to my doctor (blood in stool pretty much constantly, acid reflux out the wazoo, constipation so often that even a 100% laxative cleanout and start over couldn’t help me, fiber makes it 100% worse so I had to go back on laxatives less than a week after trying that) and after a colonoscopy came back with nothing wrong other than a hernia (which is probably making the acid reflux worse, I have an appointment to talk about fixing it) she realized how distressed I was because overall this just... this isn’t normal. So instead she told me she had a pill I could go on that’s had a lot of luck with stomach issues, but it’s an SSRI so I would have to stop tryptophan in the meantime.

I was desperate, I said yes. I stopped by the hospital for an EKG and headed to Walmart to get the prescription filled, waited till the next morning to take the pill so there’s no possibility of tryptophan in my system before taking.

Within a half hour a stapmch cramp I didn’t even know I had was gone. Within 1.5 hours I had a non-traumatic (no hardness, no blood, no major internal pain, didn’t take much effort to get out) bowel movement.

I’m on day two of the pill lexapro now. I slept a full 10 hours straight last night. That hasn’t happened to me without major sleeping pills or pain fatigue since... actually it might never have. I’ve had sleep issues my whole life. Not even any leg cramps today. No pain telling me to run to the bathroom all the time and then nothing comes out anyways. Even the anxiety relief feels like taking an extra tryptophan pill (which I do on major anxiety days and it’s great.)

I’ve been looking through posts and some people are saying they can’t stop drinking water or it’s making them sick or they feel disassociated from their emotions. It’s all the exact opposite for me. I had bowel issues already and now they’re fine. I had dry mouth so bad sometimes I wake up just to drink water, and now I sleep a solid ten hours because I don’t need to wake up to drink or pee. And the anxiety relief feels the same as tryptophan but a slight boost to it.

TBH I think they’re marketing this pill wrong. It probably shouldn’t be for people with anxiety/depression but a healthy GI system, it’s probably better for people with GI tract issues who also have anxiety/depression.

This is the first time I felt normal in a very long time. I even feel like I can focus better without feeling overstimulated from a single background noise. I feel like I can think better without needing absolute silence.

[faithful-faerie]

[ nothing ]

today I did nothing. and I feel guilty for doing nothing. for not going to the young life prayer day. for not going to the farmers market for fruit for the school I work at. for not leaving the house.

but I’m learning that I need to forgive myself for this guilt, to acknowledge it and release it. because it’s not “doing nothing,” it’s decompressing, unwinding, and allowing my body and my mind to come back down after several days of too much - too many voices, too much noise, too many people, too many emotions.

and this doing nothing as it seems can become the dreaded avoidance - numbness, disassociation - avoiding the issue of overstimulation, avoiding the needs of my body and spirit because of shame and fear.

and that’s the trap I fall into. “oh, I’m just watching youtube or whatever because I’m so drained…” “oh, I’m not leaving the house because I need time to recharge.” bullsh*t (for lack of a better word). and that’s doing nothing. that’s the sin. believing the lie of the enemy that avoiding and numbing is the same as decompressing and recharging.

because it’s not. in the end it makes you feel worse because you’re still wound up and now you’re berating yourself for not getting anything done and you can do anything when your head is spinning.

I avoided today. but then (at 8pm, of course) I realized. I challenged the lies and I turned off the mindless drivel of the internet. I turned on the music. I started reading the words. I let myself fidget - physically and mentally - wrestling with words and concepts. I felt. and it was in doing that that I regulated myself, that I came back down from the too many, too much of the week. and it was in that that I was able to see again the TRUTH with new eyes.

I wrote. again. for the first time in years. and it was more needed than the “doing nothing” pattern of avoidance and lies I’d been clinging to.

take the step. turn it off.