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borisbubbles · 2 years ago

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Eurovision 2023 PRESHOW - part 2: the irrelevants

Sometimes you come across countries that try their best and still somehow, fail to make it past the stage of mediocrity. These entries aren’t going to make a splash, they merely attend the contest where they’ll likely not make much of an impact. Nothing to be offended by. That doesn’t take away they’re still kind of shit though. 💔

33. SAN MARINO Piqued Jacks - “Like an animal” Semi 2, slot #12

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Another year of me not caring about San Marino. Hooray! 😐

Though let’s be honest that on this occasion I’m in the majority. 🙂 I don’t dislike PJ as much as most fans appear to do though. I think it’s because there are days (most days) I forget San Marino are in this year’s rotation?

But when I am forced to remember San Marino are in and THIS is their entry and... has there ever been an entry this far away from the concept of “a slay”? The goat noises at the ends, jeeeesus. There probably are more inane entries out there, but not in 2023. Everything about Piqued Jacks is painfully heterosexual ranging from their nicknames to the song and its lyrics.

Speaking of the lyrics, um, yeah let’s pick apart its many issues I guess? First and foremost the narrative is that of a random straight man chasing after a woman on the dancefloor (so: IN PUBLIC) because she looked at him funny and he is failing to control his impulses to grind all of his appendages against her bodice. YIKES. 😬

This image is then further enhanced by the..; um... colourful metaphors in which body parts are being assigned animalistic properties (SNAKE eyes, BITING tongue) and suddenly this flirty song about a hopeless normie desperately trying to get laid has taken a turn towards sinisterville. There are plenty of vibes you can go for here, but “accidentally preditorial” is not one of them. 😐

Still better than Salvaje though. 🙂

ODDS at Eurovision

No amount of divine or satantic intervention is going to prevent San Marino’s impending last place.

This is not a question of “Will they receive enough points to qualify?”. it’s a question of “Will they receive points from anyone?”

Qualifier tier: F Projected placement: 14th-16th (semi).

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32. NETHERLANDS Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper - “Burning Daylight” Semi 1, slot #14

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:snore:

To be honest, when I first heard Duncan Laurence would write a song for Eurovision and it would be sung by two indie randoms who barely knew each other, I instantly assumed I’d hate the Dutch entry this year. Yeah, Arcade was good but I am SO sick of it and Duncan at this point (in a similar vein to other people having had enough Måns and KEiiNO) . Mia/Dion meanwhile were giving off Isaiah/Evie vibes. ALLL the worrying signals were there!

So it is any surprise "Burning daylight” churned out to a few stilted, horrendous messy lives that have made it abundantly clear that Mia and Dion do NOT mesh together, at all? No, of course not.

That said, the song’s like........... fine, I guess? I don’t fucking understand why Burning Daylight had to be a duet or you know, this insipid. DE DIEPTE JUST HAPPENED, AND GOT IT ALL RIGHT.

I did get a small snort out of AVROTROS outright admitting that they hadn’t known in advance about the juries getting nixed in the semi, and if they had they probably would have picked something else. Is that admission more painful than the preparty performances at Madrid and Amsterdam? I’ll let you decided. Moral of the story if the selection offers up a choice of MEROL, you always fucking take the MEROL. Morons.

Odds at Eurovision - Netherlands

“GOODBYE OLD LIIIIIIIIIIIFE” -- Netherlands saying goodbye to the Success Era.

Like, seriously. Logically, I feel like good staging and Netherlands’ excellent draw should be enough to clinch a qual on paper. In reality: We’ve all seen the footage.

To be fair though, I was there when they flobbed in Amsterdam, and it seemed not as bad as some others (then again, ESCUnited’s Sean was standing next to me drunkedly SHRIEKING the chorus down my ear canals so i may have missed most of the essence). Alessandra was VERY bad, and Vesna weren’t too great either - too bad Vesna and Alessandra actually have competitive songs where the vocals matter less~

What is going to secure this NQ though is that the Dutch have already lost their fooken MINDS about what have been two supbar lives, and are going to drag Dion and Mia down in their negative spiral. I do feel that if the home country doesn’t support you, your press doesn’t support you and worse, if foreign media and commentators pick up on that and report it back to their audiences, you’re in for a miserable experience and a headfirst collision into a bottom of the scoreboard finish. There is a small window for Netherlands to qualify because, you know.. .Malta aren’t secure. Latvia aren’t secure. Switzerland aren’t secure. SERBIA aren’t secure, Czechia aren’t secure either. And since only five countries die (note that I am not mentioning the two obviously dead NQs) there is a chance for NL to slip through if they fix their most pressing issues.

There is sadly little fixing can do if you’re song’s unvotable.

Qualifier tier: D Projected placement: 10-15th (semi), 23rd-26th (Grand Final)

31. ALBANIA Albina Kelmendi & Family - “Duje” Semi 2, slot #14

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A family! isn’t it CUTE!!!

I’d argue that thanks to the awkward shuffling in every live of “Duje” and the strangely sinister narrative of the music video (are they GENUINELY implying that Albina is having the hots for her own brother?! lol?!), Albania’s song is the fucking antithesis of “cute”. 🙂 “Duje” is so strange man. If you were to just listen to the track without any other input you may find it pleasant enough, I guess. The Kelmendii are just... not very gifted at performing live (Albina excepted), and ESC IS a live performance contest, soz. They’re like D-mol, but less funny and only slightly less embarrassing.

So of course Albania became the object of an irony-fueled lovefest by the fans, because “lololol so inept bless” but i’ve decided I find that particular discouse patronizing, and the entry itself off-putting. 🙂

Idk, an entire family singing a song about LOVE CONQUERING ALL, while awkwardly touching each other and exchanging meaninful creates a cult-like undercurrent that I’d rather steer away from as much as possible.

Odds at Eurovision - Albania

Okay so semi 2 is a really fucking crapshoot in that there are 7 obvious qualifiers, and the others (not counting SM) have a shot at claiming the last 3 spots.

Even with that information in mind, I still feel like Albania are one of the three LEAST likely countries to qualify in that semi? (after, of course, Romania and Poland). As I said before, the Kelmendi’s unironically remind me of D-Mol,and their song is a strange off-putting janky mess that even the Albanians will be reluctant to vote for.

Albina’s only trump card is that she’s brought her family along, and this is a dicey USP when most of them aren’t particularly good at doing Eurovision things.

Also, Albania are missing their biggest allies which are Switzerland (semi 1), Montenegro (not in), and NoMac (not in). So yeah, it will be a huge uphill battle. BUT AT LEAST LOVE WILL CONQUER EVERYTHING (when Gustaph destroys the concept of homophobia and wins the semi)

If Albania do qualify, bottom 4 in the finale seems very clear, here?

Qualifier tier: D Projected placement: 9th-15th (Semi), 21st-26th (Grand Final)

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30. IRELAND Wild Youth - “We are one” Semi 1, slot #06

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A blistering 9th-to-last place for everyone’s favourite act to hate! Hooray!

I don’t know, I do think Wild Youth are strangely... overhated? Like, if you’re Ireland and you want bring a typical sound to the contest your country is known for, then why not go for a U2 B-side track? It seems really valid choice to me. how you can despise any act that DENIED Johnny Rotten’s bid for ESC is beyond me, tbh.

But yeah, “We are one” is really fucking insipid. Musically I don’t have anything negative to say about it though? The composition is fine, if unexciting.

Its message though is where I lost all interest - being INCLUSIVE and DIFFERENT and UNIQUE so that WE ARE ONE. It is meant to be inspirational and instead achieved the opposite effect - annoying clichémongering is not a way to go, ever in life, anywhere. 🙂

Now, I will say that I feel a bit sorry for Wild Youth because their Eurovision experience so far has been a big pile o’ misery. Like at EIC, Connor was DENIED ENTRY to the afterparty by the security guards because he didn’t have a wristband, eventhough he showed up in the SAME outfit he had performed in earleir that night.

When the cunts yelled “NUNCA AL FINAL” at them in Barcelona, they lowered the bar even more in terms of fanbase toxicity - and even this distinction was immediately taken away from Wild Youth when the same crowd chanted “RONELA” at Piqued Jacks (the most pathetic thing i’ve seen eurofans do, aside from maybe that Andromache shell tattoo)

so um yeah. Wild Youth don’t make it higher than NL or SM specifically based on musical merit - although they, unlike Mia and Dion can at least hold a tune.

They made it this far because I feel sorry for them. 😬

Odds at Eurovision - Ireland

Yeah this is NQ. I know, you know, Wild Youth know, let’s not rub it in. Notionally there are scenarios where other countries could fuck up and crash themselves out of the Grand Final, but if I’m honest if that were to happen, it'd probably benefits the other hopeless NQ more?

Besides, Ireland have already run their reputation into the ground through their HORRIBLE non-qualification streak; inept leadership and uninspired entries. At this point everyone expects them to be last place because that’s what we’ve been led to expect from them over the years. I don’t think WY necessarily place dead last though. I could see the parents that tune in liking it enough to cast a vote for it, granting it a random 12th place. Qualification is too big a feat to pull off here though. Qualifier tier: F Projected placement: 12th-15th (Semi)

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And that concludes the entries that were kinda shit, but not shit enough to actively dislike hooray! In the next update I’ll talk about three songs that leave me fucking COLD. Up next: the BORING entries.

THE RANKING:

Part 1: The BAD entries (Switzerland / Croatia / Israel / Greece)

#Eurovision 2023 #ESC 2023 #Eurovision Song Contest #Liverpool 2023 #Albania #Kelmendi Family #Albina Kelmendi #Duje #Ireland #Wild Youth #We Are One #Netherlands #Dion Cooper #Mia Nicolai #The Netherlands #Burning Daylight #San Marino #Piqued Jacks #Like an animal

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