#this was specifically about seeing people complaining about the mario movie and about the new super pets thing

[bridoesotherjunk]

me watching more and more casual fans getting vocal about how sick they are of every animated movie having the same 8 celebrity voices

[blazehedgehog]

The Super Mario Bros. Movie has been a meteoric success, which is significant because animated films typically don't do as well as live action ones, doubly so as a video game adaptation film. In this vein, do you hope that when Sonic one day have an animated feature film (obviously not the next one since it's a live-action sequel), it would have a similar success like the Mario movie? Not necessarily a billion-dollar one, but maybe more successful than the live-action ones?

That would be nice, yeah. In the back of my mind I wonder if they're watching how well Mario does being so pure and faithful to the source material. Because when you think about it, there isn't actually a lot in the Sonic movies that's actually directly from the games.

There's a lot of inspiration, sure. You'll catch something like Agent Stone working at a coffee shop called "The Mean Bean", but that's a small background thing. Or Sonic will grab a piece of trash and go snowboarding with it, stuff like that. But it's not like he's IN THE ACTUAL ICECAP ZONE, with the ICECAP ZONE MUSIC PLAYING while he does it, you know? Which Mario has. Cranky Kong tells Mario to "pick his kart" and he plops down in front of the interface from the game while a riff on the Mario Kart 8 selection music plays. And then, when they get out driving down Rainbow Road, you hear a brief, soaring orchestral version of the SNES Rainbow Road music.

And that's really nice, you know?* It's not making excuses for itself. For all the work they did redesigning Sonic to not be so creepy looking in those Paramount movies, Mario did the one thing that makes the Sonic movies look like they're still embarrassed of the video games. Sonic winks to people who know the games, whereas Mario makes it the whole subtext. Lumas and Koopa Troopas and Kongs all over the place.

Though, to be clear: the Mario movie also does go out of its way to make a "new version" of the Mario Universe specific to the movies. We get a lot of characters in this movie that have never ever been seen in the games. We get to see Mario's whole family, they suggest Peach might have a mysterious origin story, little elements like that which the movie "owns."

But regardless, it's more pure, you know? The Mario movie feels more like Mario than the Sonic movies feel like Sonic, or at least, I think so.

So I imagine, as pre-production of the third Sonic movie continues, they're looking closely at what Mario's doing right and discussing what lessons they would be willing to apply going forward. Though, certainly, if they're adapting Sonic Adventure 2 now, that lends itself more than anything else to Sonic being in a world of humans.

But hey, fingers crossed for Live & Learn over the final battle, right?

And maybe, just maybe, we'll get a Sonic movie some day that's all animation. As I left the theater, I was definitely wondering what a Sonic movie would look like if it was like that. Probably sort of like Night of the Werehog, but updated with more expensive rendering techniques, right? It would be pretty nice.

*To the person who complained to me months ago that the Sonic movies needed to include more game music, and I tried to find an excuse for that: I'm sorry for everything I said.

[rek1s-headband]

hi! figured i’d drop a request for you :))! Maybe some general bf hcs for reki and langa? Just in general how they would be as a boyfriend or how they would act in a relationship?

Hi!! Thank you so much for your request, I’ve been excited to do one of these. I hope you enjoy it!

➯ random boyfriend headcannons

➯ characters: Reki Kyan and Langa Hasegawa x gn reader

➯ warnings: none! Just some fluff for these two boys:)

Reki:

-Literally the most enthusiastic person you’ve ever seen. He’d be happy to just sit in silence with you because come on, it’s YOU. There’s no one he’d rather be wasting the hours away with.

-Your biggest hype man, EVER. You post something on Instagram? Get ready for a flood of comments, all from him. You could put your phone down for two minutes after posting, and you’ll come back to 99+ notifications of just reki commenting along the lines of “woah suddenly I’m on one knee” “DAMNNNN” and many, many more.

-Never leave your phone unattended around him. He won’t snoop, but be prepared to come back to your camera roll flooded with just zoomed in pictures of his face, his mouth, his eye, ANYWHERE. Mf is spamming your whole phone with pictures of him for you to come back to.

-He has to always be touching you in some way. Whether it’s holding your hand, your waist, a casual arm around your shoulder, there has to be something. He’ll put his hand on your ass sometimes while you walk in public.

-Honestly doesn’t even think PDA is anything out of the ordinary. Like, you’re his s/o??? Yes you’re in his lap, yes you’re in the middle of the skatepark, so what? You’re his, and he’s happy he can make everyone aware of that.

-I saw a post on here that said he would peel stickers off fruit and stick them to peoples’ foreheads, and I fully stand by this. However, it doesn’t just stop at fruit stickers. Anything remotely sticky, whether it’s tags from clothes, tape from a food box, even random sequins and bits of glitter he finds around, it’s immediately being stuck to some part of your face.

-Loves casual dates. Stopping by food stalls, browsing in clothes and game stores for a few hours, and skating around with you until it’s time to go home is a dream for him. Be prepared for day-long dates, because he will clear his entire schedule just to spend the day with you.

-His family adores you. His mother is always goading him to bring you over more, complaining that she misses her "honorary son/daughter/child". His sisters love you too. Any time you come over there’s immediately three tiny bodies shooting at you, grabbing you by the waist and dragging you over to wherever they’re playing. Reki tries to drag you away, wanting to have you for himself, but you always try and stay for at least five or ten minutes. Secretly, he loves that you get along so well with his siblings, going soft at the thought of how you would act with children of your own.

-He loves playing video games with you. Sitting in his lap, the two of you could spend hours switching from game to game. One minute you could be burning down a village in Minecraft, the next complaining while Reki whoops your ass in Mario Kart. His mom brings you food for your breaks between games, and she’ll even stay for a few minutes to talk to you while Reki shifts underneath you, glowing red from embarassment.

-If you can’t skate, he would beg to teach you. If you accept, he goes all out. He’ll make you your own customised board just for practicing, making sure it’s absolutely perfert for you to learn on. But if you can skate, get ready for endless races and competitions to see who can nail a new trick the quickest.

-Adores when you come to S to support him. He loves looking into the crowd and seeing you there cheering him on before he goes into a beef. If he wins, he’ll race over to where you are in the crowd, picking you up and spinning you around, kissing you without a care in the world. However, if he loses he’s thankful you’re always there to pick him back up and make him feel better afterwards.

-Loves cleaning you up after a big fall, kissing your bruises and cuts better. He’ll carefully wrap each injury with care, telling you how brave you are, no matter how small the cut. Secretly, he loves when you baby him after he falls himself. Seeing you wipe away the blood from a new cut and place a small plaster on it with such tenderness melts his heart in a way only you could.

-Speaking of plasters, this man has one for every occasion. Princesses, pirates, aliens, cats, dogs, sparkles, stripes, you name it, he’s got it.

-The type to sneak you out at two in the morning to get a slushee with him. Honestly, he’s up so late making boards for people he just has no perception of time.

-Spams your phone with TikToks or other funny things that reminds him of you. It could be a very specific thing, or a flower or cloud. If he thinks of you when he sees it(which is fairly often), it gets sent to you.

-Talks with his hands a lot. He’s a very expressive talker, so when he’s telling you a story it feels like you’re right there in the story with him.

-Please just kiss him. His cheeks, his forehead, his hand, his shoulder, his temples, his lips. Anywhere, he’ll melt under you. Mf is touch starved to the max.

-Always knows how to make you laugh. His laugh is infectious, it could get you out of your darkest moods.

-Sleeps with his head on your chest, and one hand in your shirt little perv.

-His social media is like a SHRINE for you. His highlights, his posts, his stories, EVERYWHERE. He’s just so proud to be able to call you his that he wants the whole world to know.

-Kisses in the rain while you run home, skateboards in your hands after the weather forecast failed you once again. He’s just so happy in the moment that he can’t contain himself, so he’s pulling you into him in the pouring rain, kissing you hard while your hair gets drenched.

-You don’t need to steal his clothes, he will literally give them to you because “you just look so cute wearing them”. Occasionally, he’ll take one of your hoodies, and even if it doesn’t exactly fit him, he’ll still keep it near him while he sleeps so he can keep your scent close to him.

Langa:

-This man is so oblivious to obvious hints, but still manages to pick up on the smallest of details? It’s incredible, honestly. He could describe the exact colour of your eyes with the most insane detail, but he still won’t notice when you try and hint that you like him in the first place!

-You two have a bit more of a low-key relationship, but you’ll make your usual appearance in his Instagram posts, or on his Snapchat story with a casual caption like a simple heart, or “my love<3”

-Not very big on PDA, not because he doesn’t like it, but because he doesn’t think of it. However, when he does feel like he’s being too physically distant, he’ll link pinkies with you as you walk along, or rest his head on your shoulder while you watch a video on your phone.

-His mom adores you, which is why Langa despises bringing you to his house. You always seem to leave with seven of his baby photos from his time snowboarding in Canada, a new recipe from his mother that you complimented, another one of his hoodies, and more miscellaneous stuff that you don’t even know how it ended up in your bag. He has a little shelf in your room specifically for this random stuff, and he always adds to the collection when he comes to your house. He’ll leave a keyring, a small toy, a Polaroid, anything honestly.

-Loves dates that you can experience. The movies, aquariums, museums and the zoo are common dates for the two of you to go on, but other than that, he adores going skateboarding with you. He’s been improving, and he loves when you notice little things he’s been picking up on, whether it be a new trick or simply how he balances himself on the board.

-Adores old Disney movies. Yall will binge a ton of them in one day, having full-blown musicals in Langa’s living room. When any of the romantic songs come on, like “So this is Love” from Cinderella, Langa will stand up and offer his hand to you, as the two of you waltz around his sitting room, humming the tune of the song.

-Study dates are frequent with the two of you. If you happen to stay up late studying and fall asleep on each other, his mother will cover the two of you with a blanket, tidying some of your books and leaving with a smile, happy with the knowledge you were making her son the happiest he’s been in quite a while.

-Slow dancing in the kitchen while you cook is a regular. When a particularly sappy love song comes on while he stirs the pot, he’ll turn around and hold you close to him, twirling you around the kitchen.

-Reki constantly jokes that he is a third wheel, poking fun at the two of you, Cherry and Joe, and Shadow and “his little girlfriend back at the flower shop”. He’ll hang out of Miya, whining about them having to stick together since they’re the only two “lone wolves”. He’ll usually get a well-earned thump into the back of the head from Miya, but it’s still funny to watch the whole thing go down.

-Tends to be shy when giving you clothes, so instead of asking you to wear them he’ll leave them out in places he knows you’ll find them, or he’ll come up behind you and plop it in your lap, murmuring about how cute it would look on you.

-Please do this man’s makeup. He will sit so still for you, waiting patiently while you dab eyeshadow at his eyes, trying not to blink so you don’t mess up his mascara. He’ll sit there mesmerised for a few minutes, taking in how he looks, and simply whisper “you do this every day?”

-Evem though he’s not a very openly affectionate person, he is stuck to your hip behind closed doors. He’ll lie in your lap for hours, staring up at you while you mess with his hair, pulling it into little plaits and pigtails.

-I can’t even describe how the two of you sleep. It’s simply a mass of limbs, and no one knows exactly what belongs to who. Somehow one of yall will end up upside down, and-why is Langa on the floor??

-He could talk about his time in Canada for hours, and you’d just lie on his chest and listen to him. Every once in a while he’ll look down at you to see if you’re still listening, and his heart will melt a little every time he sees you staring back up at him, eyes wide with interest.

-This man NEVER gets jealous. You’d literally have to cling to another man for it to click in his brain that Oh. He doesn’t like that.

-He’s not big on texting, but if you call him he will stay on that call with you for hours, even after the two of you fall asleep.

-Whenever he falls(which is quite often), you’ll always have plasters on hand to help fix him up. He always flushes bright red when you kiss his cuts better, and never knows just what to do with himself afterwards.

-When he skates against tough opponents, you’ll always give him a kiss for good luck. Of course, this doesn’t stop you worrying, but you know Langa wouldn’t go out of his way to get injured. And if he does, well, at least he’ll have you there to kiss his bruises better.

[hongnanglen-arina]

“You’re mine. Only.” | Kim Mingyu

Genre: Smut

Pairing: Mingyu x fem reader

Warnings: half naked drunken people at a chaotic party, jealous dom!Mingyu, fingering, penetrative sex, oral fem receiving, mentions of exhibitionism, sex without protection (you should always use protection!)

Words: 4.785

A/N: Hi there! It’s finally done and I died several times writing the steamy part. Hope you’ll like it and it makes sense lol. As always, English isn’t my first language so excuse my grammar ♡

—

You inhaled sharply.

Today the guys held a little party where you had a 3 hours long competition with Wonwoo and Minghao over Mario Kart and Tekken - which you didn‘t plan at all. It just happened after Wonwoo excitedly had to tell you about how often he won against Minghao and that ‚literally no one could ever beat him’ which just called for your gamer heart to add a comment, leading you three to the said challenge. Much to your boyfriend’s dismay because he wanted to have a good time with you and with that he meant having you close to him and also having your attention most of the time. Not being absorbed into games, especially with one of his friends that he knew was interested in you in the past - or what he had told him when Mingyu finally confronted Wonwoo. He wouldn’t lay a finger on you he said. You belonged to him now and that he knew he said. That his friendship with Mingyu was more important to him than a girl he just had known for half a year he said. Mingyu knew that Wonwoo didn’t lie but every time he saw his friend look at you there was a suggestive hint. Maybe it wasn’t and it was just Mingyu‘s imagination but for him it always was when it was directed to you or because of you. He let you play Mario Kart and tried to chat with Vernon about a new idea he had for the Hip Hop unit, beer in one hand and nodding whenever he found something good or interesting but every other time his eyes flew back to where you were sitting with his friends, sitting between Minghao and Wonwoo on the floor while Jun, Seokmin and Seungkwan on the couch were cheering loudly for the gamers. For Mingyu’s taste, your leg haven’t had to touch Wonwoo but he tried to keep his cool and pray to himself that you would end it soon and come back into his arms. But you didn’t.

Because after one hour of Mario Kart - important to say that you had won most of the rounds - Minghao mentioned Tekken and you were all in to beat Wonwoo‘s ass there as well. But he was better than you thought since you haven‘t played it for years resulting on having match after match, always different fighters, fighting against Wonwoo in the game and also somehow in the living room without a break. While the other boys were laughing about how competitive you and Wonwoo were, Mingyu found it harder and harder to suppress his jealousy when he watched Wonwoo trying to tear the joystick out of your hands or when you tried to cover his so that he couldn’t attack you. 

‚Too much skin ship‘, Mingyu thought to himself while chewing on his lip, the third beer in front of him already empty. He thought about how he could get your attention without being mean or make you angry. Although he knew you had lots of fun hearing you laugh or let out a playful complaint, he wanted you to look at him but it seemed as if you’ve totally forgotten about him, which was stupid but he couldn’t help himself. Although you lived together, woke up together, had breakfast and lunch together and got ready for today’s party together, he wanted his girlfriend by his side. As selfish as it seemed.

Vernon was in a deep conversation with Woozi so Mingyu got himself a new can of beer and walked over to you, sat down on the floor behind you, pressing a kiss on your shoulder.

“Ah Gyu, tell him who’s better. It’s definitely me, right??” You turn your head slightly to give your boyfriend a short puppy smile, just to playfully glare at Wonwoo the next second. Mingyu tried to smile and didn’t show his annoyance, holding the can in front of you. “Here drink some. It will help you loosen up a bit-“ “Yeah drink it and loosen up so you can finally accept the true master here, hah!” “Never!” You still took a huge gulp from the beer and thanked your boyfriend with a peck on his cheek but then your attention was elsewhere again. Sighting silently, Mingyu tried to get ready for a long night without your loving attention...

...when the apartment door swung open and a very drunken Seungcheol ran into the living room and stopped abruptly in front of the tv. "You're blocking the tv", Jun whined while Joshua finally joined your group and pushed two tipsy boys into view, Dino and Hoshi. Seokmin asked them what they have been doing the whole time and Joshua tried to explain how he actually planned on making Sandwiches but since his two friends ate almost all the stuff instead of helping him, he called their favorite restaurant and asked for a delivery, still complaining, "I thought alcohol wouldn't hit you that quick if you ate something but those two taught me better. Can anyone babysit them for me please?" You looked between the boys when your eyes stopped on the oldest boy in the room. Before you can ask, you hear Minghao. “Hyung, you’re interrupting a very fierce battle. What are yo-“ “Oh my god, what are you doing!?“ Without a warning Seungcheol started to strip in front of everyone, causing you to cover your eyes. Jeonghan angrily yelled at him and tried his best to slap his hands away from opening the zipper of his pants while everyone else laughed, made disgusted sounds or cheered him on to take it all off. Meanwhile you in Mingyu’s strong arms giggled and told him how funny his friends were. He agreed and almost forgot about his previous aching feelings about you and Wonwoo. 

From that point on, the party was a lot better in Mingyu's opinion. You gave him more attention, hushed kisses here and there, your beautiful smile reflecting his whenever you looked at him, your small hands touching his arms or hands to show him that you haven't forgotten about him when you talked to the other boys. And also the fact that Wonwoo wasn't sitting next to his girlfriend anymore added to his relieve. After the food was gone and everyone drank their favorite drinks, the atmosphere loosened up more and more. Some screamed at each other instead of talking normally even though the music wasn't that loud, some started to dance to others singing karaoke and some still tried to change Seungcheol's determination on getting naked.

"Y/N, I totally forgot about that game I got last week. I have it in my room. Come, I'll show it to you." Wonwoo stood in front of you and Mingyu, his eyes smaller than usual since he had alcohol like everyone else. Just when you were about to agree, your boyfriend cleared his throat, his grip around your waist getting stronger. "Well, can't you get it and show it to her here? Or should the both of us follow you to your room?" Wonwoo raised an eyebrow at Mingyu's words and licked his lips in thoughts. Just when Hoshi let out a terrified scream, which could have come straight out of a horror movie, everyone turned to him and saw the disaster. Dino threw up on Hoshi and Seungkwan. Minghao covered his mouth in disgust when Jeonghan rushed to the youngest, half scolding half cleaning him, sending the others next to him death glares because everyone knew that they had to take care of Dino. This was Jeonghan's special plea this morning and all the boys had agreed. But real chaos broke out when no one noticed how Vernon and Seungcheol had a rapping duet just in underwear and the latter was just about to remove the last piece.

That was the perfect time to leave.

So now you just inhaled sharply, being squished between the cold wall and Mingyu in your apartment, his eyes bore into yours. He was quiet the whole walk back to your shared place and you thought you almost sobered up at the time you had arrived but the quick motion when he spun you around and against the wall made you a little dizzy. "Gyu, w-what's wrong?" You dared to ask in a careful tone. It worried you a little when he didn't say a word in the full 47 minutes walk - yes you checked the time since you had nothing else to do. It wasn't a nice silence, it made you anxious. "Did I do something wrong? If yes, please tel-" "Have you ever noticed Wonwoo's look?" You blinked confused. Why was he talking about his friend? "Wonwoo? His look? His clothes or what do you mean??" Confusion written all over your face and Mingyu bit his lip. "The look he gave you the whole time? The smirks? How he licked his lips more often than normally? And when he was sitting next to you.. when he always touched your shoulder or so?" Finally you started to realize what it was about and you slowly lifted your arms to cup his cheeks with your hands. "Don't tell me you're jealous? You know I don't see him that way. Also I am pretty sure it was the alcohol speaking if you thought he gave me different looks or it was the alcohol in his system. Whatever it was-" "You're mine." He cut off your words and you tried to decipher his expression. He didn't seem angry nor disappointed. It was more a dominant one that he showed with his whole body. Your thumbs brushed over his skin in soothing motions, your eyes looking up to his dark orbs. "I'm yours only, forever." His gaze softened a bit at your words, leaning in your touch and closing his eyes. Mingyu hummed approvingly but then a playful smirk danced at the corner of his full lips, his eyes opened again, studying your face. Without realizing, you swallowed thickly, knowing exactly what this specific smirk meant. You felt his leg shift and settle between yours and you automatically looked down, quickly up again to see a wider smirk. 

Mingyu leaned forward, his lips close to your ear when he whispers. "Then show me. Show me that I'm the only one. When my leg is between yours.. what should my girl do, mh?" His breath tickled you, causing the little hairs to stand up and covering your skin with goosebumps. All of a sudden, you felt adventurous and smirked as well, getting on your tiptoes to kiss him. Without deepening it, you let them massage against his for a couple of seconds and pull back, your head tilted to one side. "This?" Mingyu let out a deep chuckle. "... uh uh. Wrong. I'll give you one more chance. Call yourself lucky." You teased him, making a thinking sound and pouted playful at him. "That's too difficult. Maybe I'll need a hint?" Another deep chuckle, he shook his head amused but then his eyes were fixated on yours again, without a warning, his thigh pressed against your core, making you gasp in surprise. Your boyfriend nodded at your reaction, seemingly satisfied. "Still difficult, baby?" 

Biting down on your lower lip, you started to grind against his leg. You’ve been together for long enough that he knew what you liked. And one of those things was to ride his thighs. They were muscular and strong. Just like his arms. You held onto his biceps while moving your hips, looking him in the eyes. Mingyu was watching your every move. A smug grin plastered on his handsome face. “First I wasn’t too happy with your choice of clothes for the night. Don’t get me wrong, love. Seeing you in my clothes, how you almost drown in them, I love it. The problem was more your leggings. Whenever I saw how Wonwoo looked at your legs.. I couldn’t help but to think of pulling you away and claim what’s mine. Even if I had to do it in front of him.” “And the others?” “I couldn’t care less.” “Mingyu-“ “He liked you.”

Your motions came to a halt while you looked up at your boyfriend with your mouth slightly hanging open. Before you could ask anything, he continued. “After we got together, he confessed. Promised me his feelings were gone for the sake of us but whenever I see his glance at you, it tells me differently. I know you would never do anything but seeing this.. wants me to show everyone what we have.. maybe it’s a guy thing, I don’t know..” His voice changed to a confused and apologetic one while he talked and tried to explain himself and somehow you understood. The tall boy rubbed his neck and looked to the side, avoiding your gaze. You didn’t know about his best friend and his feelings for you, only seen it as a friendly gesture towards you. Mingyu cleared his throat and murmured, “I’m sorry y/n, I’m an idiot to think like that, right?” Finally looking at you again, he pressed his lips to a thin line, a way to deal with his nervousness, his eye brows lifting a bit while he waited for your answer. He was cute. “Yes, you’re an idiot.” Immediately his shoulders dropped, a pout forming on his face. “But only for telling me all that while I’m squished between my boyfriend and the wall and trying to get off on his thigh, that I oh so love! Because I’m horny!” Mingyu blinked taken aback and you quickly covered your mouth with your hands when you realized what you just said. Were you so desperate that the fact your boyfriend just told you about didn’t worry you? Somehow it worried you but you wanted to deal with it later. You two have solved other stuff before. You were more than just boyfriend and girlfriend. You could overcome everything, together. But.. just not now. You giggled sheepishly and after a short while, he joined. Gently taking your face in his big hands and whispering a hushed ‘you’re unbelievable’ against your lips before kissing you passionately. 

It made you breathless and needy for more. Your hands fumbled with his shirt, hoping he would understand and he did. Pulling back a little just to get rid of it, his hands grab your ass and place you back on his thigh, pushing you down so that you could feel his muscle against your core once more. You bit down on his lower lip while your hips moved against his leg. Mingyu groaned in your mouth, one of his hands roamed over your body until it disappeared underneath your hoodie, finding your breast and kneading it over your bra. “Mingyu..” You whined between kisses. It felt so good even through the layers of clothes but slowly you grew impatient. You wanted more. Of course your boyfriend noticed it. Smirking, he easily lifted you up and without saying anything, your legs wrapped around him, your hands holding onto his broad shoulders. He made his way over to the black leather couch in the living room and let you down carefully so that you were laying on your back. For a second, you adored Mingyu’s handsome features in the dim light. How he was looking down at you through his wavy bangs, his tongue poking against the side of his cheek before he placed his hands on your body. Pushing your hoodie up a little to be able to hook his pointer fingers under your leggings, pulling your leggings off of you in one swift motion. You gulped impatiently when his weight met you on the couch. He instantly crawled between your legs, wasting no time to leave open mouthed kisses at your inner thighs, biting here and there to tease you. He enjoyed hearing your surprised gasps and hushed whines. Smiling against your hot skin, he pulled you closer to him and breathed in your sweet scent. “Before meeting you, I’ve never thought a smell would turn me on so much. Wow, I was so wrong.”

You couldn’t help but to blush at his words and the moment he pressed a kiss on your clothed core, you gasped. His tongue licked over the spot he knew your clit was hiding underneath the soft fabrics. Flicking and poking until you started to lift your hips in hopes to feel more. Your silent plea reached Mingyu as he circled his middle finger over the now wet spot while watching your hips move. “You’re so beautiful, babe.” Your eyes met his when he removed your panties, throwing them behind him and lowering his head between your spread legs. The excitement caused your breathing to speed up, the conversation from earlier long forgotten when his tongue met you once again but now without the distracting fabrics, making you yelp. With two fingers, he carefully spread the skin near your clit to get better access, knowing exactly that it would intensify the feeling if he stimulates you like that. “Ahh god, Gyu. Don’t stop!” Your hips met his mouth with every attention he gave you. With every suck on your sensitive nub, you gave him the sounds he loved hearing so much.  

He didn’t warn you when he circled your entrance with his other hand and slowly inserted a long finger. You arched your back, your whole body shuddering. While your walls adjusted to his digit, he continued his assault on your clit, letting the tip of his tongue flick faster over it until he started thrusting his finger in and out after knowing you were okay.

Your hands grab the couch over your head while you tried to grind against your boyfriend, slowly noticing the familiar feeling deep inside of you build up. “M-more please..” You whined, causing Mingyu to smugly smirk at you but you didn’t notice it until he made you look at him with his next words. ”I bet, Wonwoo could never make you feel this good.” Your eyes widen, the blush on your cheeks grew when you met his dark gaze. Even in your dark living room, you could see him good. The dim light showed his well built upper body better than ever through his tight dark grey shirt, rising your anticipation. A second and third finger entered you and you moaned out his name. Your walls clenched around him, showing him how talented he is. In the first months after you started dating, he teased you a lot. Only because he wanted to get to know your body better. Where your sweet spots were. What you disliked. And that time really payed off. His middle finger found the rough patch within you and you gasped surprised, your legs tried to close but Mingyu is faster, keeping them spread enough with his elbows. “Prepare yourself of not closing them anytime soon, babe.” He speed up the pace, watching you from between your legs, enjoying the way your body shook, how you tried to grind your hips against him to finally reach your orgasm and you succeeded. There was no time to warn him nor to ask him for permission. It just happened too fast all of a sudden. After your high pitched cry, he helped you ride out the strong waves of pleasure, still moving his fingers and kitten licking your clit until you started to whine and tried to get away from his touch.

A low chuckle ran through your spine when his lips were still touching your core. “I love the sound you make when you cum. And… the juice you produce.. for me. You know how delicious you are, don’t you?” His words made you feel warm. You wiped off some sweat from your forehead when you lowered your gaze to get a better look at him, noticing his devilish grin. Mingyu was proud that he could make his girl feel this good. He was sure, no one could do it better than him. The memories from the party returned to his mind, how his friend asked you to follow him to his room. How he licked his lips while asking you that. On purpose or not, it didn’t matter to Mingyu. Wonwoo knew exactly how he could seduce people without trying too hard and even though Mingyu trusted you, he always had those pictures in his head especially when he had alcohol in his system.

Pulling out his fingers from your core and sitting up on his heels, he ignored how you flinched at the loss and even whined his name. Something else was clouding his mind. Pictures of what could have happened in Wonwoo’s room were flying around in his head as his tongue poked at the inside of his cheek, discarding his pants and boxers in one swift motion and wiping off your juice from his chin. All the while you watched him carefully but still with adoration. You still felt his dominant aura and you knew he wasn’t done with you. Wondering what he was thinking because he had mentioned Wonwoo before, you slowly moved to a sitting position, causing him to stop pulling his shirt over his head. “Baby, let me help you with it.” You said in a sweet voice and took the cotton out of his hands, not breaking eye contact. He seemed hypnotized when his shirt slowly brushed over his head and you placed it beside the couch on the floor. For a while you two just looked at each other but his gaze was more like a predator watching its prey. You swallow.

“Baby.. you’re the only one I need. You know that right?” You begin, careful with the choice of words. “I would… never do the things we do with someone else.” For a second, his expression softened but it quickly changed again. “Get rid of the last pieces of clothes.” You were about to each out for him but let your hand drop after hearing his words. Following, you grab the hem of your shirt and removed it from your body, just as your bra until you were finally naked like him. You saw him lick his lips while his eyes wander over your bare chest and up to your flushed face again. “Only I can see you like this. Not Wonwoo, Not anyone else.” He said, inching closer and pushing you back onto the couch again, just to crawl on top of you, his legs spreading yours again. “He can’t have you like I do.” You were about to say something when he kissed you harshly, showing how much he means his words. Wondering if he was still under the influence of his drinks, you can’t help but to moan against his lips, which he used to slip his tongue through your teeth, swirling it around yours. All whine his hips grind down into your core, smearing your juice over his length. You tasted yourself on his tongue and let your fingers brush through his wavy hair, pulling him even closer. “I’m your girlfriend, not his.” Is the only thing you could say before he bit down on your lip and pushed his cock into you without a warning.

“Ahh fuck!” You cried out, trying to make him slow down in grabbing his hip but he just pushed further, filling you completely. At first it burned, the stretch was so intense, you couldn’t help but to clench around him, your nails digging in his flesh. “You’re always so tight for me, only for me.” His low voice made goosebumps to form on your bare skin. Mingyu changed his position a little, resting his arms beside your head when he pulled out almost completely to push back inside. A shuddered moan left your lips. You needed time to adjust. Although you had come a while ago, his fingers were not the same size as his length. You always needed time to relax around him but he seemed so lost in his dom state that he wasn’t as sweet as usual. His face was buried in the crook of your neck as his hot breath tickled you, hips still moving back and forth. “Tell me, babe. Would you like to be fucked in Wonwoo’s room? We could sneak in and I would make you scream my name. His bed would hit the wall with every thrust. We would be so damn loud. And he would notice at some point and come to his room, seeing us on his bed. And he would hear how you praise me. How you ask for more… and how we say that we love each other.” 

You didn’t know that you had a thing for exhibitionism until now. Between hisses and groans, your boyfriend told you those sinful fantasies that you automatically clenched around his cock. Would you really enjoy being watched by his best friend? Also knowing that he used to like you? “I.. would show him what we have.” His hips snapped forth with such a force that the whole couch moved an inch and you gasped for air. “G-gyu!” “I’m going to show the whole world what we have.” Your eyes flew open when he sat back up, his warmth on you suddenly gone. But you had no time to complain when his big hands secured your hips in front of him to take you hard and fast. Turning your head to the side, high pitched whines left your lips while you felt his cock push in and out of you with such force and speed, you saw white dots in front of your closed eyes. You tried to find anything to hold onto until one of your hands grabbed a pillow above your head, the other on his thigh, digging your nails into his flesh as your legs began to shake. Mingyu changed the angle a little, now thrusting up into you so that he could hit that specific spot over and over again, making you scream his name followed by incoherent words that should actually be praises but thanks to his hard thrusts, you weren’t able to speak properly. The leather couch below you squeaked and you were sure that your neighbors heard it but strangely you didn’t mind. It turned you on even more. 

Through gritted teeth, Mingyu pushed inside you, stood still while grinding against you before pulling back to repeat the procedure again and again. Your knuckles turned white when you tried to endure the intensity. You loved slow and sensual sex with him but once in a while you two would ravage each other like wild animals and you loved both. It was a perfect balance no matter who was in charge. And it seemed like thinking of his friend as an opponent turned Mingyu on as well. Because deep down he knew that you were his and his only. 

“G-gyu… I….”

“I.. allow you to cum all over your boyfriend…. but tell me first… who’s making you feel so fucking good?”

“Y-you! You, Mingyu! Only y-you!” You had difficulties to speak, the orgasm so close that your thighs were pressing against Mingyu’s sides, his grip tightened on you.

“F-fuck, cum with me, y/n!”

Before he finished saying your name, your second orgasm washed over you with such an intensity that you heard your own blood in your ears combined with Mingyu’s growls as he shot his load deep into you, his body shaking between your legs. He was mumbling things that you couldn’t understand. After a while, he slowed down until he stopped completely, carefully flopping onto you, your sweaty bodies rubbing against each other while you tried to catch your breaths. With your last strength, you lifted your arms and let your slender fingers massage his scalp, tugging at his soft strands here and there. You felt him smile against your neck, tired from your act just as much as you were. “If Wonwoo is the reason for good sex with you, I should look at him more often, don’t you think?” You halfway joked but when his body stiffened, you wished you had never spoken those words.

With a heavy groan, he propped himself up on his arms to look at you. You weren’t able to read his expression. Suddenly nervous you said something wrong, you started to chew on your lip. “I’m… I didn’t mean it like that-“

“So you’re up for a session in his room?”

“W-what?”

You noticed the infamous devious smirk spreading across his face and you knew you were screwed.

[welcometomy20s]

June 30, 2021

Coco (and Lulu’s) Legacy

Coco wrote the book on how to be a Hololive member, from front to back. She plotted out how one can amass an audience, how to interact and build a worldwide fandom, how to integrate ideas of the audience to the grand narrative of the company, how to deal with tee-tee and pairings, how to cope when YouTube strikes you down in its impunity, and how to cope when Cancel Brigade comes to destroy your work, along with how to bring a more cohesive workplace, how to protect yourself from the unmooring of identity that is inherent in VTube, and finally how to leave when you are in a rollercoaster that is only going up. Coco wrote the book and now we follow.

AsaCoco was brilliant from its outset. Having a place to know the ins and outs of various members of Hololive was a great way to connect the rabbit hole. But there is a deeper reason for the brilliance. I talked before about how the major tension in VTube is one between the corporate back-end tradition of Japan colliding with the audience front-end tradition of YouTube. AsaCoco is something directly in line with that second tradition. The visual language of YouTube is different from those of movies. A jump cut in a movie denotes a different idea than a jump cut on YouTube. Movie critic complaining about jump cuts in vlogs is like a Spanish reader complaining about a sentence in English being awkward. Of course it is, it’s in a different language. Unlike movies, which come from theatre and literature, vlogs’ lineage comes from news broadcasts. Many of the early web successes were styled in a news format (rocketboom, Ze Frank, What the Buck and so on…) One does not complain about the jump cut between different presenters in a newscast, and so one does not complain when a similar thing happens in vlogs. But the point is that AsaCoco harkens to the audience-based tradition.

One might write off the ARK arc as an aberration, but I think ARK did add something constructive to Hololive and VTubers as a whole. I like to think of ARK as a training wheel for Minecraft. Minecraft is relatively challenging compared to ARK. Minecraft speedruns are mildly impressive, ARK speedrun less so. ARK is actually like the middle ground between Monster Hunter and Minecraft. You can play ARK like Monster Hunter, gather a bunch of friends to hunt monsters, or like Minecraft, build your own zoo or house or so on… And in that flexibility, one can easily learn how to tell a compelling narrative in an open-world setting. Pekora’s war criminal tendencies developed there, Miko’s ‘pon’ nature was crystalized there, and so on…

Holohouse was an underrated achievement. At first, the idea feels like the natural extension of their idol nature. Idols live together, so why not virtual idols? But having virtual idols living together comes with additional benefits that Nijisanji should note.

Stalking is an awful thing, I know since I experienced and have done something similar in my past, but stalking is also a desperate thing. And desperation tends to abate when people are more open about themselves. One of the articles talking about Coco’s graduation infamously notes the mystery of Coco’s identity, which is chucklesome since Coco’s identity might be the most open secret in all of Hololive. This was in line with Hololive’s more open policy, several of Hololive members do their own personal work on the side, while in many early companies, this was forbidden. Nijisanji’s background is less open than Hololive, perhaps due to the number and less mass attention, and that leads to stalking being a more adventurous one. One that livers have to deal with more alone, while for Hololive, it’s likely people would catch and perhaps even tar the perpetrator. More attention means more risk with less excitement.

Holohouse also protects aggressive fan behavior by introducing VTuber solidarity. With more offline collabs, the people would know each other more personally and therefore have a ground of contacts in which to alert suspicious behavior. Safety in numbers.

Holohouse also brought us KanaCoco, which was a lesser known pairing until the couple ring story, and now it has become one of three big couples of Hololive, the other two being NoeFlare and OkaKoro. The big three all have a different style of their tee tee. KanaCoco is the type of a longtime buddy. Both Kanata and Coco struggled with familial and economic circumstances, and they are both struggling under the same roof. And within that struggle comes comity and friendship. It’s not love in your typical sense, but it is a type that would lead to marriage and childrens… but the current LBGTQ+ status in Japan is pretty bad, so tee tee and hush hush it is.

In a sense, KanaCoco provides for an excellent cover. It is one of the most inspiring portrayals of woman-woman friendships in media and it would be one of the more enduring aspect of Coco’s legacy as it passes down through the generations.

[Note: This somehow became an apologia of the past week. Well, I do like to show my thinking with my behavior, perhaps to my detriment, so… just be warned.]

For the past week, I was hyping about the fact that Gura passed Kizuna Ai to become the most-subscribed VTuber. And I made the point, not through immaturity, but because I realized this coincided with Coco’s graduation. Without Coco, there wouldn’t be Hololive English, or Gawr Gura, and therefore this event would not have happened. This, therefore, was one of the last great accomplishments of Coco. An indelible mark of her foresight and perseverance. A realization of her plans. So, in a sense, this was one of my ways of celebrating Coco’s career, albeit in an admittedly twisted way.

But beyond Hololive English, there was the famous Meme Review, which has a weak lineage with the early meme review series from PewDiePie. Now for the digression, whoever ends up at the top gives us a flavor for that specific era, since one naturally assumes success means finesse and would try to emulate the style. Vlogbrother’s visual style and mannerism was largely lifted from Ze Frank. PBS Idea Channel famously emulated Ray William Johnson’s background to his own ends. And Kizuna Ai was famously inspired by PewDiePie at several points in her career. Which is why PewDiePie’s Congratulations felt right as a tribute. One of the big shared characteristics of the two was the lonely years at the top. PewDiePie is probably going to be longest reigning ‘King’ of YouTube for a while (of course, depends on if Cocomelon catches T-Series in due time) and at the time his reign was abnormally long. Most people hold onto the top spot for a year or two, so it felt odd that PewDiePie was untouchable for so long. Similar things must have been raised for Kizuna Ai as well. Many people must have felt that Kizuna Ai just did not represent VTubers at the current time.

So, when competition showed up, of course people were excited. It felt like it was time. I believe PewDiePie’s Congratulations was not a simple diss track, although it’s formatted like one, just due to the culture at the time. So the hypothetical Kizuna Ai version would be extremely light-hearted. The ‘diss’ would be your typical “she’s short”, “she’s hydrodynamic” and so on… it would be clear there is no actual bad blood, and the song would be welcoming of the new era. Era, as I said before, brought on by Coco.

Back to the Meme Review, meme review was great as it centered reddit as the base for the fandom, rather than twitter, which is a horrible platform to bring a sense of communal welcomeness. Reddit is probably the best functional place for stuff like this, even though we all know it has its host of problems that needs to be resolved.

What is the most important stream in Hololive? Well, some people would point to Aqua and Coco’s The Raft stream, which is a poignant encapsulation of a stream. The dramatic counterweight to the other greatest stream in Hololive, Korone’s all-english Mario stream. Aqua and Coco are always the odd pairing, but it could have worked, and it might have been beneficial. Aqua is one of the most shy people in Hololive, and Mio is already busy with Ayame and Subaru, so the best person might have been Coco.

But China. There were two big beneficiaries from China in Hololive, one was Fubuki and the other was Aqua. While Fubuki, in Coco’s last months, famously went out of her way to intertwine herself with Coco to directly redirect her audience, like the mensch she is, Aqua always struggled with her audience retention, therefore played shy with Coco.

Edit: Well, my initial final impression was… what a wonderful finish. The interview portion was well-meant, but honestly a little formal. When the 4th Gen went together, is when the stream turned into something special for me, and the final performance was actually really well-done. Coco went out like an idol, which makes sense. For whatever provocation Coco perpetuated, Coco only did them out of love. And ultimately Cover knew that. Coco’s final month was a warning and a reminder.

Can I talk about all the different tributes lately? In some sense, Usaken Summer Festival is part of this… for an organization that is immensely popular, I just adore how Cover and their talent always has this drive to throw everything and see if it works. I noticed this during Golden Week. Golden Week in Hololive was jam packed. There were great events, Mio’s morning stream was astounding, leading to one of biggest growth spurt for Mio. Miko’s drawing collab was absolutely hilarious, for such a simple and seemingly hastily put idea. One of the people in a forum commented on this and affixed something that left my mind… what did Nijisanji during the same week? Even I was surprised by how little Nijisanji did that Golden week. They barely did anything!

The innovative spirit does give them trouble, more than it is worth, but Cover never really stopped its momentum, even when most other companies would have stopped a long time ago! This is the greatest thing about Hololive and Cover, the most redeeming feature. One that would serve them well. Coco wrote the playing book, let us pray that Cover sticks to them, because the fall of Cover comes the moment they stray.

The Pre-Coco era was about a company struggling to get their idea through. The Coco era was about writing the playing book. So the Post-Coco era will be about remembrance, it’ll be a struggle to keep the memory of what the playing book is. It’ll be about them being Hololive as they become part of the global zeitgeist.

[freddyfreebat]

Luca Guadagnino on Creating His HBO Series, Trump’s America, and Why He’s Remaking ‘Scarface’

by Brent Lang

Luca Guadagnino, the Oscar-nominated auteur behind “Call Me By Your Name,” is taking his swooning, lyrical style to the small-screen with “We Are Who We Are,” an immersive and deeply moving coming-of-age story.

The HBO-Sky series, which debuts this September, follow two teenagers, Fraser (Jack Dylan Grazer) and Caitlin (Jordan Kristine Seamón), who live on a military base in Italy. It explores their burgeoning friendship — Fraser is artistic, shy, and volatile, while Caitlin is more outgoing, but also dealing with her own nagging insecurities. The series, Guadagnino’s first for TV, also grapples with issues of sexuality and gender identity. He directed all eight episodes of “We Are Who We Are,” and says he purposely set the show in the midst of the 2016 U.S. presidential election as a way to comment on the political tumult unleashed by Donald Trump’s victory.

Guadagnino spoke to Variety shortly after the first trailer for “We Are Who We Are” was released.

How would you describe “We Are Who We Are”? Is it a TV series, a longer narrative feature, a miniseries?

I feel like on the one hand that this is a new film of mine. It feels like a movie to me, but I enjoyed the episodic-ness of the story. This is a series and it depends on how it clicks with an audience if we will see these people again. I have sort of a penchant for bringing back to life characters that I love. I truly love all the characters in this show. The greatness of doing TV is that if there’s a good outcome, this can come back, which would be beautiful to me.

What inspired the project?

Lorenzo Mieli [ed. note: who produced the show for The Apartment along with Mario Gianani for Wildside, both Fremantle companies] and Paolo Giordano and Francesca Manieri had developed a concept about the life of teenagers today vis-à-vis gender fluidity in American suburbia. When they talked to me about it, the first thing I said was I’m less interested in the topic as a sort of starting point. I’m more interested in the behavior of these people. I think in order not to be generic why don’t we set this in a micro-America, a place that can work as the part for the whole. I proposed the military world. I had a very wonderful conversation once many, many years ago with Amy Adams — you get to have these meetings with these great actors as one of the privileges of this work — and she told me that she spent part of her upbringing in Vicenza, in a military base in Italy. From synapses connecting to each other, I had this image in my mind.

Because this is a series, I said to Lorenzo, “If this goes well, next time they can move to another base. They can be in Japan or Africa or anywhere.”

In the show, the characters refer to the military base as ‘America’ despite the fact that it is in the middle of Italy. That geographic dichotomy seems to mirror the way that many of the characters feel a kind of emotional displacement or discomfort. Did you view the setting as a larger metaphor?

I always feel displaced. I never feel in the right place as a person. I do believe that despite every action we can take to claim the nature of our identity, eventually the human condition is that we are always trying to reclaim an emotional state of belonging. This show is about the kids not knowing who they are, not knowing what they are, and feeling displaced. Of course, there’s a transitional element of being a teenager that is specific to that age. It’s said that when you’re grown up, you know more about yourself, but truthfully all of these characters feel lost.

Fraser and Caitlin are both 14. That strikes me as an interesting age, because you’re definitely developing a stronger sense of identity, and yet you’re still wholly dependent on your parents.  Why did you want to focus on characters at that particular age?

If I remember when I was 14, I was deeply, deeply unsatisfied by my incapacity to understand how to put in action the big plan I had for myself in my mind. I knew what I wanted, but I didn’t know how to get it. Eventually I even realized that I didn’t completely know what I wanted. I love this age, because you have grand ambitions and at the same time you have no means to fulfill those ambitions. You have only curiosity, only craving, only the capacity for experimentation. Every day seems to be a fight between life and death. That’s something beautiful about that age.

When the trailer for “We Are Who We Are” dropped, there were a lot of comparisons online to “Call Me By Your Name.” Both works are set in Italy and involve younger men. Do you see a commonality?

I will never complain about people’s laziness, but that sounds very lazy. “Call Me By Your Name” is about the past seen through the prism of a cinematic narrative and this is about the here and now. This is about the bodies and souls of now. I think they are so different.

Why did you decide to set the show during the 2016 presidential election?

The effects of the 2016 election are still being felt right here, right now. The seismic shift throughout America and the world of what it meant that Obama’s presidency was followed by Trump’s presidency and how people did not see it coming, are still being grappled with. It has to be said, that just as [Silvio] Berlusconi was the autobiography of Italy, Trump can also be seen as a sad chapter in the autobiography of the United States.

We are dealing with a kind of populism that springs from the plutocrats. It is shaping the world while at the same time a phalanx of youth is shaking the world as well and not taking that bitter medicine.

“We Are Who We Are” has a fair amount of full-frontal male nudity. That’s rare in American films and television shows. Why do you think that’s the case?

I always felt embarrassed when I saw in films the camera strategically not showing something. I also think that to show nudity — male, female — if it’s in the context of something that makes sense, is a way to liberate the eye. HBO has been wonderful in endorsing my choices. They could have felt provocative or radical, but I saw them as organic. By the way, there is nudity in general in my movies. That’s part of living. We are naked part of the day and part of the day we are dressed up. I always think I should pay respect to that condition of being human. Sometimes we’re naked, so why not?

You have about a half-dozen projects listed as in development on your IMDB. What’s behind that?

I am a relentless workaholic. I’m someone who has never tried any drugs, because I’m too scared for my own health. But I feel like when I was born, I fell on a “Scarface” mountain of cocaine, because I work 13 hours a day.

Are you working on a sequel to “Call Me By Your Name”?

I call it a second chapter, a new chapter, a part two or something like that. I love those characters. I love those actors. The legacy of the movie and its reception made me feel I should continue walking the path with everybody. I’ve come up with a story and hopefully we will be able to put it on the page soon.

You’re also attached to a remake of “Scarface.” What attracted you to that project?

People claim that I do only remakes [ed. note: Guadagnino previously remade “Suspiria” and his film “A Bigger Splash” was inspired by “La Piscine”] , but the truth of the matter is cinema has been remaking itself throughout its existence. It’s not because it’s a lazy way of not being able to find original stories. It’s alway about looking at what certain stories say about our times. The first “Scarface” from Howard Hawks was all about the prohibition era. Fifty years later, Oliver Stone and Brian De Palma make their version, which is so different from the Hawks film. Both can stand on the shelf as two wonderful pieces of sculpture. Hopefully ours, forty-plus years later, will be another worthy reflection on a character who is a paradigm for our own compulsions for excess and ambition. I think my version will be very timely.

What have you been watching during lockdown?

I watched again “Comizi d’amore” (Love Meetings) by Pasolini. I saw a great movie called “The Vast of Night,” and I watched for the second or third time “Doctor Sleep,” which is a movie I admire greatly.

[communistsoapbox-blog]

Capitalism Ruins Art-- and How You Can Help Fix It

People always talk about how Communism ruins art, progress and technology. Without the incentive to create, who will create new things? Without the struggle to survive, how can progress be manufactured?

Yet, it seems these days people willingly ignore that a vast majority of the issues we face in popular culture such as new movies or new video games are a direct result of Capitalism and its inevitable destruction of human art and emotion. The masses complain about ‘live-action remakes’ and ‘endless sequels,’ they complain about ‘micro-transactions’ and ‘lootboxes’ but hardly ever do they come to the conclusion that the current state of Capitalism is what created the environment in which these products have thrived and will continue to thrive.

Capitalism ruins art because the continued drive to make more and more money despite already having plenty, has become the near-sole motivator for creating art (and don’t worry, I’ll talk about indies in a moment). A popular example of this is Illumination Studios, a company that has made bank not because of their desire to create art that has a positive impact on the human race-- but to produce more money. 

All of their films are specifically engineered to create the most amount of money with the least amount of time, effort, and money possible. As a result, despite being commercially successful, Illumination Studios has created a wide library of movies that have entered popular culture notorious for their horrendous quality. And despite this, other studios are following Illumination’s example. Not because Illumination is a pioneer in human art and expression-- the contrary actually. Illumination is a pioneer in creating a product to harness the most amount of profit possible, and everyone wants in on it. The film and animation industry has not only seen a sharp decline in the quality of content, but in the originality of content. Movies exist solely to make money now, this is the lesson taught to us by Illumination, Disney, Sony, Warner Brothers, and many more. 

Despite this being a major concern for everyone who pays attention to the film and animation industry, there is very little call to address how money is affecting the production of these films and what we can do to fix it. China is now beginning to overtake both the United States and Europe in box office revenue (do not take this as a compliment to China or its government-- only evidence of Late-stage Capitalism’s decay of art and emotion), yet people still wonder how this can be... when the answer is right in front of us.

Video games are not exempt from the effects of Late-stage Capitalism. AAA games have reached a level of disturbingly low quality with the advent of Fortnite, Assassin’s Creed, Fallout 76, and so on. Bugs in Bethesda’s Games have become so common, they’re a meme in popular culture. Yet somehow, we continue to let them go unaddressed. Professional game reviewers (such as IGN) still give these games high scores, because if they didn’t, how would they collect revenue from the companies who made the games?

Furthermore, the structure of games and their economic models have become increasingly hostile towards the consumer-- entire games built around the model of making a profit and not making the game actually good or fun. Fortnite employs some of the nastiest anti-consumer methods to implore not just gamers-- CHILDREN, into spending massive amounts of money around a product riddled with quality issues with the express goal of squeezing money out of unsuspecting kids who only see a game and not a complete scam. EA continually creates games with an insane amount of micro-transactions and withholds so much content from the full game just to get the consumer to pay more money-- and the consumers hand it to them on a silver platter so they may continue to exist and produce more and more games of similar caliber. The ever-present focus on obtaining the most money possible has turned games into money making machines with the express purpose of tricking the consumer into buying more and more and more. Even Nintendo has hopped onto the bandwagon with the disaster of a game known as Mario Kart Tour.

Our only salvation in a day and age where popular culture is ruled by the same handful of companies that continue to shovel effortless garbage into our faces so that we may hand them the world on a silver platter is the growing indie scene for games and media. Please, take time to engage with and consume content created by the average citizen at home-- not the gigantic corporations who want nothing more than your wallet. There are very real people out there with stories to tell, people whose voices are never heard, trans-folk, people of color, the disabled, and more. Countless games, movies, comics, and books exist, so I ask that you stop giving your money to corporate ventures and interact with those who truly deserve it. 

Despite what I have provided, art is not dead. It will continue to exist for as long as human emotion exists. Now is not the time to sit and watch as our society decays. I ask that you listen to what I say and not only consume indie content but I encourage you to create indie content of your own. The world gets better with every new piece of art within it, and you deserve to have your stories told. Write your books, make your movies, produce your games. The world is yours and today there are more tools than ever to make it easy for the average citizen to simply... create. And that’s all I want to see. A world that... creates, again.

Because we truly need it.

[hashtagkairideservedbetter]

My main issue(s) with KH3

Spoilers abound, so please don’t read if you haven’t beaten the game or don’t want any negative opinions influencing how you see the ending/ the game. I did enjoy several parts of KH3, but this post is focused on things I had issues with, and if you don’t want to see criticism of your media please look elsewhere. 

This is how I interpreted the game as someone coming into KH3 with KH2 being the last game I played, and a playlist of youtube videos spanning lets plays, summaries, and humorous deconstructions as a codex. 

Here’s the thing. I’ve seen several people already break down how KH3′s story and pacing could have been handled better. Specifically, to more comprehensively tie in the 10,000 plot points that needed to be covered in a way that actually helps connect the main characters. I’m not going to get into all of that, because frankly I can’t fake knowing enough about the background lore of Kingdom Hearts to know how to better juggle all of the intermediary games into KH3. 

Most of my grievances honestly lie with the handling of the Destiny Trio and the Disney Worlds. 

I’m going to do a read more on this because it’s gonna be a long one. (Also very much a train of thought, so disorganized, sorry). 

So. Sora. Protagonist of the game (mostly. kind of?). 

A cheerful ray of sunshine.

A Keyblade wielder who has overcome traumatizing ordeals that tore him away from all he loved and knew at least twice now for over three years. 

A continuity disaster stuck being pinballed back and forth between happy goofs and hollow tragedies every thirty minutes in between busywork battles and off-scene disney films for 85% of KH3. 

I understand that Sora’s greatest power is supposed to be his optimism, as it’s sort of the prerequisite for going through disney worlds where people sing about their problems. I get it.  

However, there’s a difference between, “I’m naive and happy and oblivious and that’s why I’m a guardian of the light,” and “I have battled true darkness and felt true loss and decided that choosing to be kind, choosing to embrace joy in new experiences and relationships, is a bigger middle finger to the darkness than anything else.” Guess which one I prefer. Guess which one I was thinking would finally be Sora’s character arc. Instead he’s happy, happy, happy, happy... and then suddenly in the eleventh hour having a mental breakdown. 

Sora is written into a loop every game of kind, naive, but unchanging (”Don’t ever change, Sora”). That was endearing when we were both 14, but after almost twenty years it gets tiring to watch Sora get hit with a reset button every time you meet up with him again. There’s a scene in the gummi ship early on in the games where Donald asks Sora to “take this seriously,” and Goofy remarks that they seem to be stuck in a rut as Donald and Sora have the same conversation over and over again before entering the first series of Disney worlds. Sora knows he needs the power of waking in order to help his friends and free those trapped in his heart, but seems content to just drop into various worlds and wing it, and hope that it all sort of works out. 

And then when it does work out, and Sora uses the power to save everyone, he’s immediately told he’s doomed now? Like, what was the point of him being able to use this to connect with people if he’s doomed. Why did they want him to have this. What’s the point then of Sora having these strong connections. 

Each world makes a big scene about the friendships and connections that Sora makes so easily, but in KH3 there never seems to be enough time for Sora to actually pay them any attention unless the person is right in front of him. Sora seems to make connections for the sake of making connections in KH3, and the ones he has, he does very little to advance or reconnect with.  

Like, the whole point of 100 Acre Wood this time was apparently that Sora’s connection to Pooh was weaker for some reason. I honestly didn’t understand the reason or how it was magically resolved just from Sora showing up and saying hi? But whatever. 

My two least favorite worlds were Corona and Arendelle, for the same reason. There was no believable connection between Sora and the characters there. For fuck’s sake, the combat ally you get in Arendelle is the snow monster, not even a main character.

Sora is like the living embodiment of the B99 clip of Rosa with her dog. He just met Elsa and spoke a whopping five sentences to her, but damn if he won’t climb a mountain five times just for her to save herself without ever talking to him again. Like, literally that is the only interaction Sora has with Elsa. Same thing with Anna, and in her case I literally had to mute my tv so I could track what she was actually saying since they decided to shove two songs from the movie into this game.  

You spend the majority of your time in these worlds trying to play catch up to the leads as they have their movie play out around the bend in the road in front of you, out of your sight. Props to Disney’s ego that they think I remember the beat by beat plots of their films when they came out 9 years ago (Tangled) and 6 years ago (Frozen). I actually had the thought of going and watching Tangled just to remember what Flynn and Rapunzel got up to while Sora wandered around a marsh and had a pointless conversation with Marluxia. 

(Also, getting real tired of the “Good to see you Sora” “Who the fuck are you?” “Oh that’s right you don’t remember that game haha it’s fine it was a gameboy game nobody even knows what those are anymore.” That shit was getting old midway through KH2.) 

To be fair, the PoTC world suffers from the same problem as the other two. Sora shows up, sees everyone for thirty seconds, gets separated, and while we’re dicking around trying to find white crabs on the islands there’s a whole movie going on that we don’t see or participate in. I feel really bad for anyone who did not keep up with that franchise because I only watched the third movie the once and I was confused as hell. Also, the whole time I was finding the crabs in Port Royal all I could think about was this ProZD video. 

I just. I’m 26 years old. These movies hold no nostalgia for me, and maybe that’s the problem. I already had a connection to Aladdin, Peter Pan, etc, so I was maybe more willing to suspend my disbelief and just enjoy the interactions. But those Disney worlds also felt more tied in to the plot. You can make the argument of Marluxia and Larxene putting pressure on Sora to find the Wayfinders so that six princesses of heart aren’t used as backup... but where are the other three? Anna, Elsa, Rapunzel, and Kairi make four. Where’s Merida, Tiana, Moana? Mulan or Pocahontas even, since Moana was probably too recent. (But probs not, as it was probably starting development in 2014). If that’s going to be yet another subplot, shouldn’t you at least see it through?  

My point is, I can distinctly recall prior games mostly keeping to the established script in the disney worlds, but still letting Sora really get in there and interact with the characters. The heartless, nobodies, etc were a real wrench in the works for the plots, and had an actual effect on how the story was told and the order of events. Sora felt more involved in cutscenes and was an active participant in the world’s events instead of just a bystander. 

In KH1 and KH2 there was a dialogue happening between the villain of each world and a greater evil. Hell, in KH1 they were a unified council! In KH3 they’re puppets who don’t even talk to the bigger bad like Randall or Mother Gothel, or are there for a whopping thirty seconds like Hans. It makes it more and more obvious that the Disney worlds are just being shoehorned in as a contractual obligation than for any real purpose anymore.

 The only world that’s appeared in all three games, Olympus, was especially jarring. Like, you could tell there was a lot of corners cut on what VAs they could get for this game, as Phil does not speak once. Meg spends more time making eyes at Hercules and nodding than showing any of the sass she has from the film. (This was a thing in KH2 as well tho so I can’t complain about them continuing to drop the ball on even background women characters-- Oh wait, I can, because they’ve had T H I R T E E N YEARS to get it right.) 

Which I guess is as good a segue as any into Kairi Time. 

Listen. Did I mention I’m 26? Yeah. I started reading fanfic on livejournal. I was there when AO3 first got its start. I’ve seen the shipping wars. I know the dark past of Soriku vs Sokai.

I couldn’t give less of a fuck. 

These characters are still 16 and I am now 26. I’m fine with them trading noogies and maybe being able to kick back and play some Mario Kart. Kairi would wipe the floor with both of them because she had time to get good enough to beat Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie combined between KH1 and KH2. 

The point is, I don't care one way or the other about shipping. If my 15 year old self were here, they would be horrified I wasn't over the moon when Kairi and Sora finally shared the paopu fruit. As it is, I kind of stared blankly at my screen and went 'huh, there's gonna be a lot of fanfic fixing this moment.'  From both sides, I think, because even if you're into Sokai you gotta admit that moment did not feel romantic. It felt forced. Like "Oh hey, we've been putting this off, huh. Welp, here we go!" 

It doesn't help that I really, truly, don't like whoever Kairi's VA is in this game. Like, she sounds so ditzy and soft. Get that shit out of here. The dialogue and voice acting in this series has never been its strength, but honestly, I cringed my way through every interaction between Kairi and Axel because of how stilted and bad their conversations were! I’m definitely not saying that Kairi’s voice was stellar in 1 and 2, but at least her voice was clear, and had personality, and by the end of 2 was actually fairly strong. She sounded strong, and determined to be fighting with Sora and Riku, green as she was then, in the World That Never Was.

Whenever she talked in the third one I just sort of grit my teeth and wondered why someone on the production team wanted Kairi to sound so weak. 

Then they killed her at the labyrinth and I said, ‘Ah, that tracks.’ 

I played FFXV, so I guess shame on me for not seeing the signs when the girl love interest is about to be capable and not needing the hero to save her. She gets taken! And killed. Fool me twice, shame on me. 

I actually saw people excited about that Verum Rex thing and after seeing the Noctis ripoff reaching for the Luna ripoff covered in purple light I laughed, and laughed. And then sighed and reached for a stiff drink. 

All this to say that while I’m angry but not truly surprised that Kairi was once again shafted, I’m all the more pissed that they did it in the laziest, most insulting way possible by hinging it all on Sora needing a reason to fight Xehanort. Like, really???? Really. That’s your angle. The man-pain trope is so painfully overdone. Please. It’s 2019. Come into the future with us, Nomura. 

And I feel bad that all of the stuff I just wrote mostly revolves around Kairi being Sora’s romantic interest. But that’s because that’s all this game allowed her to be! Princess of light what? Bequeathed Keyblade wielder in her own right who??? Every battle she and Axel share with Sora they get their asses kicked in 30 seconds flat, so maybe Merlin should have left them suspended in time a little longer. Maybe long enough to convince someone out there in the universe that these two deserved to be competent. 

Hell, not just competent. Amazing. Kairi deserved to be able to stand on her own two feet and hold her own. To be running alongside her boys and not just be an object for them to tussle over or save. As Aqua’s somewhat successor, she deserved to be a terrifying wielder of battle magicks and flurries of light magic. 

To be replaced by Xion was just insult to injury. Like, I’m very happy that Xion got her heart back and was reunited with Roxas and Axel, but she didn’t need to be brought back at Kairi’s expense. The world won’t implode if the replica and actual person inhabit the same space. 

Which is leads us to our third member. 

Riku. To be fair. Riku got the most growth as a person out of the three of these kids, easy. We finally see a Riku who is confident in himself and his journey, and willing to take everything he learned along the way to help Mickey, Aqua, and even his own replica. However.... 

He doesn’t seem to give two shits about Kairi anymore? Did they even talk, like, once during the whole game? I can’t recall a single instance where Sora, Kairi, and Riku were in the same place together where it was just them, and they held an actual conversation. Hell, where they even said “Hi, how’s it going? What have you learned, had any good food lately?” 

God, even when Kairi was taken, and then when she was killed, Riku had one moment of anger, and then was completely, like, chill again, and back to talking Sora down. Like, what? I don’t want any love triangle bullshit, but Riku and Kairi were friends as much as Sora and Kairi and Sora and Riku are friends. 

And that’s what bothered me the most about the disappearance of Kairi introducing this bullshit narrative of Sora abusing his power of waking. He spent two games trying to get him, Riku, and Kairi together. But he doesn’t want Riku to help him get Kairi back? And Riku’s just going to let him go?! After all Riku has done and learned about falling to darkness and clawing yourself back to light and peace, he’s just going to let Sora do the same?

I call bullshit. 

And this is why when Sora suddenly faded out of view on the beach next to Kairi I slowly leaned back in my chair, dropped my controller into my lap, and flipped off my tv screen with both hands.

[nickcitrus]

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

🌻: The United States once transported 70 camels in 1856 to Texas spending roughly 900k (in today’s prices) to be used in a program called The United States Camel Corps. They were mainly used as pack animals but there was some plans to use them in combat (and way later mail). There’s a few reasons why it never took off but it’s basically because of the Civil War and that one of the major supporters was the future president of the C.S.A. Makes sense why the U.S. wanted to distance themselves from any camel plans though I’m still a bit sad we never had a Camel Express along with the Pony Express.

🌻: There’s a cryptid known as the Red Ghost or the Fantasma Colorado that’s a big ol’ red beast with a demonic figure strapped to their back. There’s quite a few people who witnessed it in Arizona for many, many years and it’s actually a true thing! Turns out the Red Ghost was actually a camel that must’ve been a part of the previously mentioned Camel Corps and the demonic figure was a human Skeleton strapped to their back. Still to this day no one knows who the rider was or what happened to the poor dude.

🌻: You know how tons of people type “!?” or “?!” as punctuation? Technically it’s actually a real punctuation mark called the interrobang. Some call it the exclamaquest, QuizDing, rhet, or the exclorative, but interrobang is the most used term. It’s specifically meant for expressing excitement or disbelief in the form of a question, or asking a rhetorical question. It’s only supported by a few fonts sadly. It does have its own unicode though and it was used by an U.S. Judge recently sooo I feel like it’s still holding on even if it was way more popular in the 1960s when it was created. Personally I wish it was more accessible because I’d use it constantly. What do you think‽

🌻: There was a long stretch of time when I was a kid where I’d wake up at 3 AM and bug my parents to let me watch TV in their room. At some point they refused to let me in and I snuck downstairs instead. BUT before that the main show I was obsessed with was a Canadian puppet show called Chicken Minute. From what I remember it was such an adorable show and I’d love to go back and watch some of them for the nostalgia buuuuut I sort of can’t. The majority of episodes are lost for everyone and out of the like, 15 episodes found there’s only a small handful in English.

🌻: I probably have way too many collections and way too many things… and yet I can’t help adding stuff to each one and forming new collections. One collection I’d love to work on more is my stop motion/claymation collection. I’d love to get my hands on as much physical media as I can. The more realistic productions are great buuuuut I’ll forever have a soft spot for the simplistic, innocent stuff especially when they’re low budget ones. (Also Gumby can be trippy as hell even more so when you’re watching it at 3 AM and you’re v sleepy.)

🌻: I absolutely love cancelled TV shows. Why? Beats me! Maybe it’s the potential? Maybe it’s because I like to imagine that there’s an alt universe out there where they get 8 seasons and a movie? Who knows! What I do know is that I’mma try my best to keep them alive as long as I can and watch the hell out of them.

🌻: Felix the Cat will be 100 years old in 2019!! He’s basically the oldest cartoon character still recognized today and would be the first franchised cartoon character to reach that age! I’m fairly certain there’s no plans for anything by the current rights holder and I feel like it’s undermining how important it is. I’d LOVE to see a new movie with a similar art style to the recent Peanuts and Captain Underpants movies.

🌻: Tons of people have been rightfully complaining about how Waluigi isn’t a playable character in Smash Bros Ultimate and yet I’ve seen almost no one complain about how Toad has never been playable. Y'ALL SHOULD BE MORE RILED UP ABOUT BEING TOADLESS!! We even have Captain Toad now! Nintendo could and SHOULD both have OG Toad and Captain Toad in there ASAP. Would love to see color reskins of the Toads that match Toadette, Professor Toadsworth, Toad from Super Mario Bros, and the two Toads from New Super Mario Bros. P.S. Don’t even get my started on characters like Birdo.

🌻: There’s tons and tons of comics/manga that hold a special place in my heart but there’s two that were there for me when I was anxious as hell, frightened, and sick. No joke, I honestly don’t think I’d be the same person without them. So I’d like to give a small shout out to Bone by Jeff Smith and Pluto by Naoki Urasawa for comforting me in my times of need.

🌻: The one factoid that I’ll never forget is that if a frog swallows something toxic like a bee then they’ll literally throw up their own stomach and will brush it off before swallowing there own stomachs.

🍊: Thank you for sending me so many sunflowers, bud! I hope you’re happy with what I said because I had fun writing them.

[thevaudevilledemon]

Rewind Features, Easy Modes and Accessibility

Is using a rewind feature in a game "Not playing the game properly"? My answer, I mean, I don't really see it as any different from using a cheat code. It is a feature in the game implemented for players with less skill to get through a game easier. I mean, some would say that cheat codes have their limits, which they do, but then you get into things like Game Genie, which people don't really seem to mind that much. So, ultimately, I see using a rewind feature no different from using a cheat code, I mean, come on, we're all so familiar with the konami code you probably just repeated it in your head when I said the words "konami Code", and if you didn't, that shows you how far Konami has fallen.

Now, a bunch of people would argue that games shouldn't have these features and that gamers should "Git Gud" as they say. However, I have a counter argument; if you don't like a rewind feature, you don't have to use them.

That is the thing that elite gamers seem to forget about rewind features, auto steering, easy modes, and even cheat codes and level skips. They aren't implimented for their benefit, they're implimented for the benefit of beginner players. If the concept of someone playing a game and using the tools given to them to have an easier time offends you, well that is just stupid.

Some people would say "But games back in the day didn't have these things, so why should games now have them?" and there is a simple reason for that, gaming back then was a completely different market. Back in those days, you could rent games, like you could movies, and that is why a lot of NES games were like that, because they were legit not consumer friendly. They specifically made some games to be challenging to the point that you could not get past a certain point in the game before your rental period was up. Now a days, we can download games off of Steam, or other digital distributions, gaming is much more respected and rental stores have become a niche market, so it makes sense that gaming would change with that, but that isn't the only reason it changed.

You see, with more people playing video games than ever, that means people with different skill and ability levels. So, this is where a difficulty setting comes in, for the players that are unsure of their abilities, new to a certain game or genre, or just feel more comfortable in a less intense and stressful setting, their is the easy modes, and this is not a modern thing either, games like DOOM had difficulty settings, DOOM!

Now, the common response to these arguments is that "They shouldn't be playing video games than", and I can get behind that argument. I can also get behind a steam roller going in reverse, or an elephant suffering from diarrhea. These people are like the music hipsters that read Pitchfork and give you a strange look for not listening to shitty obscure bands that they're into, AKA people nobody likes!

If you have problems with easy modes, or rewind functions, or passcodes, or anything else that helps players get further into a game, than have those problems, but don't tell others how to play a game, because nobody likes a backseat gamer.

However, let's not derail too much from the topic at hand, so let's talk about why rewind features are a thing in some games, and my answer to that is simple; so you can learn what you did wrong and not have to slog through the same area again just to correct your mistake, or even make the same mistake again, because you forgot what you wanted to try because you had to waltz through the same level for the tenth time in a row.

Here is the thing about trail and error gameplay that people seem to forget. It's about learning from your mistakes and making progress, and the thing is, some people aren't good at making trial and error games. NES games are notoriously difficult, Devil May Cry 3 had to be re-released as a special edition to fix the difficulty mode, and Super Mario Bros 2 is an entire history in and of itself. Trial and Error games can be good, but more often than not they aren't.

A rewind feature helps get rid of the boring repetition that can plague a bad Trail and Error game, and that isn't the only solution either. Save States are also popular with retro collections and for a lot of the same reason. Should you make a mistake that would take a long time to recover from, you can pop back into a previous save a carry on from there. A rewind feature is just a more obvious version of a save state.

Plus, this is an aside here, you are not the only person in the world playing the game.

The people who complain about accessibility in games need to understand that if games become more accessible than they become more profitable, and games become more profitable, than the "Elite gamers" can have more games like Battletoads. Quite frankly, it is a win-win really. But no, they want everyone to play the game "properly", "As God himself intended", so, let's look at a hypothetical here.

Dark Souls III sold a whopping Three Million copies worldwide a month after it was internationally released. As of 2019, New Super Mario Bros Wii has sold over thirty million copies. One game is a challenging title, no easy mode for gamers who want to try their skills at something new, and the other is a Mario game that didn't reinvent the wheel, but was accessible to more people. So, if every game was dark souls, the game industry would be in the shitter. Because Three Million is not as much as Thirty million.

Making gaming a more exclusive club for "elites" would full on ruin the industry, the only way a game like Dark Souls could ever be made, is if the market was big enough to sell those three million copies in the first place. Let's be real, a decent number of those three million would not exist if a decent number of the thirty million were already there. Games like Mario bros, Mario Kart, Super Smash Bros, Call of Duty, these games are accessible to a large amount of players. If not for these games, we wouldn't have the Okamis and the Shenmues and the Dark Souls. We would not have the three million for Dark Souls, if the thirty million for New Super Mario Bros Wii was not there.

So, to those of you who complain and argue and debate about whether gaming should be made more accessible or not, I have one question for you. Would you be a part of that three million, if you're game couldn't be made?

[adambstingus]

6 Actors Who Tried To Teach Lessons (And Madness Ensued)

A celebrity public service announcement seems like a fine idea in theory. People love having a popular, attractive person tell them what to do — that’s how God-Emperors are made. So how can you screw that up? Well, let us count the ways …

6

Mario Tells Kids That They’ll Suffer Hell On Earth

“Captain” Lou Albano had the honor of being both a professional wrestler and Mario on The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, which to children is about as impressive as being a crimefighting dog who can magically summon ice cream. So it’s not surprising that Albano was seen as a great choice for an anti-drug PSA aimed at kids. It is surprising that they filmed the whole shebang in a closet while Albano looked like he was wasted on a whatever he was telling kids to stay away from.

Albano crams a lot of words into 19 seconds, and while it’s mostly standard PSA stuff (“Don’t be afraid to say no,” “People who want you to take drugs aren’t really your friends,” “You’ll probably stop giving a crap about what Mario says when you go to college and some cutie invites you to smoke weed with them,” etc.), there’s a last-second twist. Albano warns that if you do drugs, “you’ll go to hell before you die,” while fading into a corner of a screen and whispering the word “please” in a way that would really mess with your head if you were tripping.

Always remember, kids: According to a professional athlete who played a hero whose power comes from magical mushrooms, drugs have no benefit whatsoever and will send you to a nightmarish plane of brimstone and fire.

5

The Cast Of The Wire Wants You To Wear A Condom

Teenagers, generally speaking, are the demographic that most need education on sexual safety, both because they’re lacking in life experience and because they’re getting laid way more often than we are. So if you had to make a hip safe sex PSA in the mid-2000s, what celebrities would you work with? The stars of a teen drama? Maybe the cast of a reality show? How about the heroes of their dad’s favorite gritty police drama, The Wire?

Luckily, a whole chunk of The Wire‘s cast is here to prestige people into practicing safe sex. Unfortunately, this PSA is less of a coherent call to action than a laudanum-induced fever dream. There are no statistics or stern lectures — merely the dying hallucinations of a ’80s music video director made surreality.

Monique Richert/YouTube “Why, I’m practicing safe sex right now!”

The whole thing comes across like aliens have kidnapped humans and are trying to make a soothing simulated reality for them based only on the trivia that we like sex, award-winning television, and outdated music. Clarke Peters looks like he’s about to teach us either Tae Bo or how to use your orgasm to ascend to a higher plane of existence.

4

Here’s Jackie Chan Hanging Out With A Giant Condom

“You all know me as an action hero,” is how Jackie Chan walks into this PSA. But he wants to introduce us to another action hero: Mr. Condom, who sounds like the stuffed bear of a Victorian British child — something to keep in mind the next time you use one.

Mr. Condom and Jackie clearly have a strong and respectful master-student relationship, and Chan explains how this strong warrior prevents STDs. Meanwhile, an energetic Mr. Condom shows off his fighting moves. Because if there’s one thing you want a good condom to be, it’s flexible enough to move around wildly on its own.

Mr. Condom then launches himself into the air, spins around, and stretches himself out, in case you’ve ever wondered what it looks like when a condom has its own orgasm, before reminding us to use him when you have sex. Chan then wraps up the PSA by telling us that while he can fight visible enemies, even he needs Mr. Condom’s help in keeping HIV at bay, which can definitely be a risk when you cheat on your wife. Then Jackie and Mr. Condom embrace, and Jackie definitely doesn’t die a little inside before they punch the camera.

3

Don’t Drive Angry, Or Evander Holyfield Will Beat You To Death

If you make the wrong decision while driving, you can end a person’s life. Someone’s loved one could be snuffed out in an instant due to your carelessness. But apparently some people require a more “What’s in it for me?” incentive than that, so Evander Holyfield made a PSA about how he’ll beat the shit out of aggressive drivers.

Scene: A car pulls into traffic and cuts off another driver, who then angrily honks and forces the car over. The man gets out of his truck and reveals himself to be a redneck stereotype whose string of profanity makes it clear that he intends to beat the fuck stuffing out of his new nemesis. But then, surprise twist! The man he wants to murder is Evander Holyfield! Now who’s about to die?

The moral clearly ought to be “Avoid road rage. You never know who you might run into. But counterpoint: If you can clearly see it’s some soccer mom or a grandpa, feel free to go full King Immortan Joe on their asses.” If the only way you can think of to appeal to violent maniacs is to remind them they’ll sometimes cross paths with a professional fighter, you haven’t made a PSA against road rage, but one in favor of keeping a gun in the glove compartment.

2

Mel Gibson Doesn’t Want The Feds To Take Away Our Vitamins

Holy shit, check out this thrilling Mel Gibson movie set in the grim future of 1993!

Whose fancy house is being raided? A corrupt politician? An unscrupulous CEO?

No, they’re arresting Mel Gibson. And while it was prescient for Gibson to portray himself as being in trouble with the law, here he’s being hauled in for the simple dystopian crime of owning vitamins. “Guys, guys! It’s only vitamins!” he protests. But what he doesn’t know is that the government wants to make vitamins illegal. This video is here to warn good American citizens that their supplements are under attack. Now, you probably don’t know anyone who has been dogpiled by a SWAT team for cracking open a bottle of Flintstone’s, but in the chilling, stupid reality of Mel Gibson’s world, the answer is “It’s already happening.”

As shown in this obviously based-on-real-events footage, the fascist pig cops are unimpressed when Gibson explains to them he was only taking Vitamin C, “like in oranges.” He’ll have plenty of time to adjust his mindset during his four-month stay at a Dietary Supplement Reeducation Camp. But that future doesn’t have to be ours, the cards say, if we just call our senators.

If you’re wondering what the hell is going on, this “PSA” was funded by the Nutritional Health Alliance, a lobby group formed by the supplement industry to prevent the government from looking into what a huge scam supplements are.

Specifically, in early ’90s, the FDA wanted to crack down on supplements that made completely unsubstantiated health claims on their packaging and in ads, because if there’s one thing the Man loves to do, it’s pushing around honest, hard-working Americans by forcing them to stop buying dangerous products that hospitalize tens of thousands and might accidentally kill people. It’s unclear if Gibson actually believed in the supplement industry or was letting them supplement his income, but luckily, Gibbers was unable to terrify Americans with his vision of a vitamin-hating police state. The FDA’s new regulations went through, and Gibson found himself on the wrong side of history — a position he’s since become intimately familiar with.

1

Kid Rock And Sean Penn For Generic Unity Between Americans

It’s no secret that America is a politically divided country. And who better to bridge that bitter gap than Kid Rock and Sean Penn, two of the most beloved and kind artists in the world. Between Kid’s political savvy and Penn’s famous calmness, only these two could ever unite Americans across the political spectrum — mostly by making all of them ask “Wait … what the fuck?”

This nearly 11-minute (no, seriously) public service Sundance entry is called “Americans,” and it features one of America’s favorite (alleged) spousal abusers sitting down with one of America’s least-favorite aural abusers for a conversation that absolutely no one asked for.

We open with Penn sitting at a bar and ordering vodka, even though he already looks and sounds completely shitfaced.

Mitt Romney (this was made in 2012) is giving a speech on TV. Penn asks for the channel to be changed, but the justifiably scared female bartender ignores him, just in time for Romney to introduce his special musical guest. It’s Kid Rock, and for a moment, we are all Sean Penn:

Then, gasp! Old Man Rock appears in the bar! How Penn failed to notice a six-foot-tall overall-wearing Americana scarecrow right next to him is left unexplained.

But Mr. Rock, who also seems drunk, plops himself down next to Penn and starts complaining about “Obummer’s” tax policies, like a totally relatable middle American. The two start sniping at each other like YouTube commenters — Penn quotes Goebbels, while Kid Rock says “Fuckin’ suck it, commie.” They both take turns delivering incoherent tirades, although Penn seems to be winning the debate. After all, it’s hard to take Kid Rock seriously when he’s dressed like he’s on his way to play the Country Bear Jamboree.

They nearly come to blows, in a fight we could only hope they somehow both lose, until a random sassy bar patron tells them to shut up and appreciate everything America has to offer. Her passionate speech about what American citizenship means to her is somewhat undercut by the fact that she finishes by calling them “fucking pussies,” but never mind that –there’s some breaking news on the bar TV that inexplicably isn’t just on ESPN. 26 marines have been killed in Afghanistan! Cue sad music and Kid Rock failing to act!

Thankfully, those soldiers didn’t die in vain. Rock and Penn are inspired by their sacrifice to toast “to freedom” and apologize to each other — while babbling over everyone else’s respectful moment of silence. Naturally, the next step is a wacky montage! The first thing Kid Rock does is sell his car and buy a Prius, as any relatable conservative American who wants to learn more about his liberal friends could totally afford to do at the drop of a hideous hat.

Next, we get a shot of an environmental protest, Kid Rock urinating in the background, and Penn catching his urine in a bucket because … Kid Rock’s dehydrated lizard juice still counts as potable water? No time to reflect, because it’s time for Penn to trade places! Kid Rock teaches him to drink a beer instead of a girly cocktail! As the day is winding down, Penn takes Rock to a gay wedding, which, according to this movie, involves one of the men wearing a wedding dress! Are we seeing this wedding through Rock’s Republican eyes?

They then buy each other T-shirts and exchange them on the beach! Kid Rock and Sean Penn are totally about to fuck! After the pair leaves the beach to go bone down, the message of this inspirational tale appears onscreen for the benefit of the slower viewers: We’re all Americans, whether we love PETA, own guns, or are a sassy black woman. Those are the only three kinds of Americans. You too can put aside your cavalcade of liberal and conservative stereotypes and stop yelling crude insults at each other long enough to bond over some dead marines and go car shopping. Because in the end, aren’t we all just South Park jokes without the irony? Fuck yeah, Sean Penn and Kid Rock. Fuck yeah.

Mark is on Twitter and has a book.

Also check out The 6 Most Counterproductive PSAs of All Time and 7 Safety PSAs (That Were Clearly Made By Serial Killers).

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 6 PSAs Way More F#!@ed Up Than Any Drug Addict, and other videos you won’t see on the site!

Follow us on Facebook, and we’ll follow you everywhere.

If we’ve ever made you laugh or think, we now have a way where you can thank and support us!

Make a contribution

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/6-actors-who-tried-to-teach-lessons-and-madness-ensued/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/182980603822

[samanthasroberts]

6 Actors Who Tried To Teach Lessons (And Madness Ensued)

A celebrity public service announcement seems like a fine idea in theory. People love having a popular, attractive person tell them what to do — that’s how God-Emperors are made. So how can you screw that up? Well, let us count the ways …

6

Mario Tells Kids That They’ll Suffer Hell On Earth

“Captain” Lou Albano had the honor of being both a professional wrestler and Mario on The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, which to children is about as impressive as being a crimefighting dog who can magically summon ice cream. So it’s not surprising that Albano was seen as a great choice for an anti-drug PSA aimed at kids. It is surprising that they filmed the whole shebang in a closet while Albano looked like he was wasted on a whatever he was telling kids to stay away from.

Albano crams a lot of words into 19 seconds, and while it’s mostly standard PSA stuff (“Don’t be afraid to say no,” “People who want you to take drugs aren’t really your friends,” “You’ll probably stop giving a crap about what Mario says when you go to college and some cutie invites you to smoke weed with them,” etc.), there’s a last-second twist. Albano warns that if you do drugs, “you’ll go to hell before you die,” while fading into a corner of a screen and whispering the word “please” in a way that would really mess with your head if you were tripping.

Always remember, kids: According to a professional athlete who played a hero whose power comes from magical mushrooms, drugs have no benefit whatsoever and will send you to a nightmarish plane of brimstone and fire.

5

The Cast Of The Wire Wants You To Wear A Condom

Teenagers, generally speaking, are the demographic that most need education on sexual safety, both because they’re lacking in life experience and because they’re getting laid way more often than we are. So if you had to make a hip safe sex PSA in the mid-2000s, what celebrities would you work with? The stars of a teen drama? Maybe the cast of a reality show? How about the heroes of their dad’s favorite gritty police drama, The Wire?

Luckily, a whole chunk of The Wire‘s cast is here to prestige people into practicing safe sex. Unfortunately, this PSA is less of a coherent call to action than a laudanum-induced fever dream. There are no statistics or stern lectures — merely the dying hallucinations of a ’80s music video director made surreality.

Monique Richert/YouTube “Why, I’m practicing safe sex right now!”

The whole thing comes across like aliens have kidnapped humans and are trying to make a soothing simulated reality for them based only on the trivia that we like sex, award-winning television, and outdated music. Clarke Peters looks like he’s about to teach us either Tae Bo or how to use your orgasm to ascend to a higher plane of existence.

4

Here’s Jackie Chan Hanging Out With A Giant Condom

“You all know me as an action hero,” is how Jackie Chan walks into this PSA. But he wants to introduce us to another action hero: Mr. Condom, who sounds like the stuffed bear of a Victorian British child — something to keep in mind the next time you use one.

Mr. Condom and Jackie clearly have a strong and respectful master-student relationship, and Chan explains how this strong warrior prevents STDs. Meanwhile, an energetic Mr. Condom shows off his fighting moves. Because if there’s one thing you want a good condom to be, it’s flexible enough to move around wildly on its own.

Mr. Condom then launches himself into the air, spins around, and stretches himself out, in case you’ve ever wondered what it looks like when a condom has its own orgasm, before reminding us to use him when you have sex. Chan then wraps up the PSA by telling us that while he can fight visible enemies, even he needs Mr. Condom’s help in keeping HIV at bay, which can definitely be a risk when you cheat on your wife. Then Jackie and Mr. Condom embrace, and Jackie definitely doesn’t die a little inside before they punch the camera.

3

Don’t Drive Angry, Or Evander Holyfield Will Beat You To Death

If you make the wrong decision while driving, you can end a person’s life. Someone’s loved one could be snuffed out in an instant due to your carelessness. But apparently some people require a more “What’s in it for me?” incentive than that, so Evander Holyfield made a PSA about how he’ll beat the shit out of aggressive drivers.

Scene: A car pulls into traffic and cuts off another driver, who then angrily honks and forces the car over. The man gets out of his truck and reveals himself to be a redneck stereotype whose string of profanity makes it clear that he intends to beat the fuck stuffing out of his new nemesis. But then, surprise twist! The man he wants to murder is Evander Holyfield! Now who’s about to die?

The moral clearly ought to be “Avoid road rage. You never know who you might run into. But counterpoint: If you can clearly see it’s some soccer mom or a grandpa, feel free to go full King Immortan Joe on their asses.” If the only way you can think of to appeal to violent maniacs is to remind them they’ll sometimes cross paths with a professional fighter, you haven’t made a PSA against road rage, but one in favor of keeping a gun in the glove compartment.

2

Mel Gibson Doesn’t Want The Feds To Take Away Our Vitamins

Holy shit, check out this thrilling Mel Gibson movie set in the grim future of 1993!

Whose fancy house is being raided? A corrupt politician? An unscrupulous CEO?

No, they’re arresting Mel Gibson. And while it was prescient for Gibson to portray himself as being in trouble with the law, here he’s being hauled in for the simple dystopian crime of owning vitamins. “Guys, guys! It’s only vitamins!” he protests. But what he doesn’t know is that the government wants to make vitamins illegal. This video is here to warn good American citizens that their supplements are under attack. Now, you probably don’t know anyone who has been dogpiled by a SWAT team for cracking open a bottle of Flintstone’s, but in the chilling, stupid reality of Mel Gibson’s world, the answer is “It’s already happening.”

As shown in this obviously based-on-real-events footage, the fascist pig cops are unimpressed when Gibson explains to them he was only taking Vitamin C, “like in oranges.” He’ll have plenty of time to adjust his mindset during his four-month stay at a Dietary Supplement Reeducation Camp. But that future doesn’t have to be ours, the cards say, if we just call our senators.

If you’re wondering what the hell is going on, this “PSA” was funded by the Nutritional Health Alliance, a lobby group formed by the supplement industry to prevent the government from looking into what a huge scam supplements are.

Specifically, in early ’90s, the FDA wanted to crack down on supplements that made completely unsubstantiated health claims on their packaging and in ads, because if there’s one thing the Man loves to do, it’s pushing around honest, hard-working Americans by forcing them to stop buying dangerous products that hospitalize tens of thousands and might accidentally kill people. It’s unclear if Gibson actually believed in the supplement industry or was letting them supplement his income, but luckily, Gibbers was unable to terrify Americans with his vision of a vitamin-hating police state. The FDA’s new regulations went through, and Gibson found himself on the wrong side of history — a position he’s since become intimately familiar with.

1

Kid Rock And Sean Penn For Generic Unity Between Americans

It’s no secret that America is a politically divided country. And who better to bridge that bitter gap than Kid Rock and Sean Penn, two of the most beloved and kind artists in the world. Between Kid’s political savvy and Penn’s famous calmness, only these two could ever unite Americans across the political spectrum — mostly by making all of them ask “Wait … what the fuck?”

This nearly 11-minute (no, seriously) public service Sundance entry is called “Americans,” and it features one of America’s favorite (alleged) spousal abusers sitting down with one of America’s least-favorite aural abusers for a conversation that absolutely no one asked for.

We open with Penn sitting at a bar and ordering vodka, even though he already looks and sounds completely shitfaced.

Mitt Romney (this was made in 2012) is giving a speech on TV. Penn asks for the channel to be changed, but the justifiably scared female bartender ignores him, just in time for Romney to introduce his special musical guest. It’s Kid Rock, and for a moment, we are all Sean Penn:

Then, gasp! Old Man Rock appears in the bar! How Penn failed to notice a six-foot-tall overall-wearing Americana scarecrow right next to him is left unexplained.

But Mr. Rock, who also seems drunk, plops himself down next to Penn and starts complaining about “Obummer’s” tax policies, like a totally relatable middle American. The two start sniping at each other like YouTube commenters — Penn quotes Goebbels, while Kid Rock says “Fuckin’ suck it, commie.” They both take turns delivering incoherent tirades, although Penn seems to be winning the debate. After all, it’s hard to take Kid Rock seriously when he’s dressed like he’s on his way to play the Country Bear Jamboree.

They nearly come to blows, in a fight we could only hope they somehow both lose, until a random sassy bar patron tells them to shut up and appreciate everything America has to offer. Her passionate speech about what American citizenship means to her is somewhat undercut by the fact that she finishes by calling them “fucking pussies,” but never mind that –there’s some breaking news on the bar TV that inexplicably isn’t just on ESPN. 26 marines have been killed in Afghanistan! Cue sad music and Kid Rock failing to act!

Thankfully, those soldiers didn’t die in vain. Rock and Penn are inspired by their sacrifice to toast “to freedom” and apologize to each other — while babbling over everyone else’s respectful moment of silence. Naturally, the next step is a wacky montage! The first thing Kid Rock does is sell his car and buy a Prius, as any relatable conservative American who wants to learn more about his liberal friends could totally afford to do at the drop of a hideous hat.

Next, we get a shot of an environmental protest, Kid Rock urinating in the background, and Penn catching his urine in a bucket because … Kid Rock’s dehydrated lizard juice still counts as potable water? No time to reflect, because it’s time for Penn to trade places! Kid Rock teaches him to drink a beer instead of a girly cocktail! As the day is winding down, Penn takes Rock to a gay wedding, which, according to this movie, involves one of the men wearing a wedding dress! Are we seeing this wedding through Rock’s Republican eyes?

They then buy each other T-shirts and exchange them on the beach! Kid Rock and Sean Penn are totally about to fuck! After the pair leaves the beach to go bone down, the message of this inspirational tale appears onscreen for the benefit of the slower viewers: We’re all Americans, whether we love PETA, own guns, or are a sassy black woman. Those are the only three kinds of Americans. You too can put aside your cavalcade of liberal and conservative stereotypes and stop yelling crude insults at each other long enough to bond over some dead marines and go car shopping. Because in the end, aren’t we all just South Park jokes without the irony? Fuck yeah, Sean Penn and Kid Rock. Fuck yeah.

Mark is on Twitter and has a book.

Also check out The 6 Most Counterproductive PSAs of All Time and 7 Safety PSAs (That Were Clearly Made By Serial Killers).

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 6 PSAs Way More F#!@ed Up Than Any Drug Addict, and other videos you won’t see on the site!

Follow us on Facebook, and we’ll follow you everywhere.

If we’ve ever made you laugh or think, we now have a way where you can thank and support us!

Make a contribution

Source: http://allofbeer.com/6-actors-who-tried-to-teach-lessons-and-madness-ensued/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/02/22/6-actors-who-tried-to-teach-lessons-and-madness-ensued/

[allofbeercom]

6 Actors Who Tried To Teach Lessons (And Madness Ensued)

A celebrity public service announcement seems like a fine idea in theory. People love having a popular, attractive person tell them what to do — that’s how God-Emperors are made. So how can you screw that up? Well, let us count the ways …

6

Mario Tells Kids That They’ll Suffer Hell On Earth

“Captain” Lou Albano had the honor of being both a professional wrestler and Mario on The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, which to children is about as impressive as being a crimefighting dog who can magically summon ice cream. So it’s not surprising that Albano was seen as a great choice for an anti-drug PSA aimed at kids. It is surprising that they filmed the whole shebang in a closet while Albano looked like he was wasted on a whatever he was telling kids to stay away from.

Albano crams a lot of words into 19 seconds, and while it’s mostly standard PSA stuff (“Don’t be afraid to say no,” “People who want you to take drugs aren’t really your friends,” “You’ll probably stop giving a crap about what Mario says when you go to college and some cutie invites you to smoke weed with them,” etc.), there’s a last-second twist. Albano warns that if you do drugs, “you’ll go to hell before you die,” while fading into a corner of a screen and whispering the word “please” in a way that would really mess with your head if you were tripping.

Always remember, kids: According to a professional athlete who played a hero whose power comes from magical mushrooms, drugs have no benefit whatsoever and will send you to a nightmarish plane of brimstone and fire.

5

The Cast Of The Wire Wants You To Wear A Condom

Teenagers, generally speaking, are the demographic that most need education on sexual safety, both because they’re lacking in life experience and because they’re getting laid way more often than we are. So if you had to make a hip safe sex PSA in the mid-2000s, what celebrities would you work with? The stars of a teen drama? Maybe the cast of a reality show? How about the heroes of their dad’s favorite gritty police drama, The Wire?

Luckily, a whole chunk of The Wire‘s cast is here to prestige people into practicing safe sex. Unfortunately, this PSA is less of a coherent call to action than a laudanum-induced fever dream. There are no statistics or stern lectures — merely the dying hallucinations of a ’80s music video director made surreality.

Monique Richert/YouTube “Why, I’m practicing safe sex right now!”

The whole thing comes across like aliens have kidnapped humans and are trying to make a soothing simulated reality for them based only on the trivia that we like sex, award-winning television, and outdated music. Clarke Peters looks like he’s about to teach us either Tae Bo or how to use your orgasm to ascend to a higher plane of existence.

4

Here’s Jackie Chan Hanging Out With A Giant Condom

“You all know me as an action hero,” is how Jackie Chan walks into this PSA. But he wants to introduce us to another action hero: Mr. Condom, who sounds like the stuffed bear of a Victorian British child — something to keep in mind the next time you use one.

Mr. Condom and Jackie clearly have a strong and respectful master-student relationship, and Chan explains how this strong warrior prevents STDs. Meanwhile, an energetic Mr. Condom shows off his fighting moves. Because if there’s one thing you want a good condom to be, it’s flexible enough to move around wildly on its own.

Mr. Condom then launches himself into the air, spins around, and stretches himself out, in case you’ve ever wondered what it looks like when a condom has its own orgasm, before reminding us to use him when you have sex. Chan then wraps up the PSA by telling us that while he can fight visible enemies, even he needs Mr. Condom’s help in keeping HIV at bay, which can definitely be a risk when you cheat on your wife. Then Jackie and Mr. Condom embrace, and Jackie definitely doesn’t die a little inside before they punch the camera.

3

Don’t Drive Angry, Or Evander Holyfield Will Beat You To Death

If you make the wrong decision while driving, you can end a person’s life. Someone’s loved one could be snuffed out in an instant due to your carelessness. But apparently some people require a more “What’s in it for me?” incentive than that, so Evander Holyfield made a PSA about how he’ll beat the shit out of aggressive drivers.

Scene: A car pulls into traffic and cuts off another driver, who then angrily honks and forces the car over. The man gets out of his truck and reveals himself to be a redneck stereotype whose string of profanity makes it clear that he intends to beat the fuck stuffing out of his new nemesis. But then, surprise twist! The man he wants to murder is Evander Holyfield! Now who’s about to die?

The moral clearly ought to be “Avoid road rage. You never know who you might run into. But counterpoint: If you can clearly see it’s some soccer mom or a grandpa, feel free to go full King Immortan Joe on their asses.” If the only way you can think of to appeal to violent maniacs is to remind them they’ll sometimes cross paths with a professional fighter, you haven’t made a PSA against road rage, but one in favor of keeping a gun in the glove compartment.

2

Mel Gibson Doesn’t Want The Feds To Take Away Our Vitamins

Holy shit, check out this thrilling Mel Gibson movie set in the grim future of 1993!

Whose fancy house is being raided? A corrupt politician? An unscrupulous CEO?

No, they’re arresting Mel Gibson. And while it was prescient for Gibson to portray himself as being in trouble with the law, here he’s being hauled in for the simple dystopian crime of owning vitamins. “Guys, guys! It’s only vitamins!” he protests. But what he doesn’t know is that the government wants to make vitamins illegal. This video is here to warn good American citizens that their supplements are under attack. Now, you probably don’t know anyone who has been dogpiled by a SWAT team for cracking open a bottle of Flintstone’s, but in the chilling, stupid reality of Mel Gibson’s world, the answer is “It’s already happening.”

As shown in this obviously based-on-real-events footage, the fascist pig cops are unimpressed when Gibson explains to them he was only taking Vitamin C, “like in oranges.” He’ll have plenty of time to adjust his mindset during his four-month stay at a Dietary Supplement Reeducation Camp. But that future doesn’t have to be ours, the cards say, if we just call our senators.

If you’re wondering what the hell is going on, this “PSA” was funded by the Nutritional Health Alliance, a lobby group formed by the supplement industry to prevent the government from looking into what a huge scam supplements are.

Specifically, in early ’90s, the FDA wanted to crack down on supplements that made completely unsubstantiated health claims on their packaging and in ads, because if there’s one thing the Man loves to do, it’s pushing around honest, hard-working Americans by forcing them to stop buying dangerous products that hospitalize tens of thousands and might accidentally kill people. It’s unclear if Gibson actually believed in the supplement industry or was letting them supplement his income, but luckily, Gibbers was unable to terrify Americans with his vision of a vitamin-hating police state. The FDA’s new regulations went through, and Gibson found himself on the wrong side of history — a position he’s since become intimately familiar with.

1

Kid Rock And Sean Penn For Generic Unity Between Americans

It’s no secret that America is a politically divided country. And who better to bridge that bitter gap than Kid Rock and Sean Penn, two of the most beloved and kind artists in the world. Between Kid’s political savvy and Penn’s famous calmness, only these two could ever unite Americans across the political spectrum — mostly by making all of them ask “Wait … what the fuck?”

This nearly 11-minute (no, seriously) public service Sundance entry is called “Americans,” and it features one of America’s favorite (alleged) spousal abusers sitting down with one of America’s least-favorite aural abusers for a conversation that absolutely no one asked for.

We open with Penn sitting at a bar and ordering vodka, even though he already looks and sounds completely shitfaced.

Mitt Romney (this was made in 2012) is giving a speech on TV. Penn asks for the channel to be changed, but the justifiably scared female bartender ignores him, just in time for Romney to introduce his special musical guest. It’s Kid Rock, and for a moment, we are all Sean Penn:

Then, gasp! Old Man Rock appears in the bar! How Penn failed to notice a six-foot-tall overall-wearing Americana scarecrow right next to him is left unexplained.

But Mr. Rock, who also seems drunk, plops himself down next to Penn and starts complaining about “Obummer’s” tax policies, like a totally relatable middle American. The two start sniping at each other like YouTube commenters — Penn quotes Goebbels, while Kid Rock says “Fuckin’ suck it, commie.” They both take turns delivering incoherent tirades, although Penn seems to be winning the debate. After all, it’s hard to take Kid Rock seriously when he’s dressed like he’s on his way to play the Country Bear Jamboree.

They nearly come to blows, in a fight we could only hope they somehow both lose, until a random sassy bar patron tells them to shut up and appreciate everything America has to offer. Her passionate speech about what American citizenship means to her is somewhat undercut by the fact that she finishes by calling them “fucking pussies,” but never mind that –there’s some breaking news on the bar TV that inexplicably isn’t just on ESPN. 26 marines have been killed in Afghanistan! Cue sad music and Kid Rock failing to act!

Thankfully, those soldiers didn’t die in vain. Rock and Penn are inspired by their sacrifice to toast “to freedom” and apologize to each other — while babbling over everyone else’s respectful moment of silence. Naturally, the next step is a wacky montage! The first thing Kid Rock does is sell his car and buy a Prius, as any relatable conservative American who wants to learn more about his liberal friends could totally afford to do at the drop of a hideous hat.

Next, we get a shot of an environmental protest, Kid Rock urinating in the background, and Penn catching his urine in a bucket because … Kid Rock’s dehydrated lizard juice still counts as potable water? No time to reflect, because it’s time for Penn to trade places! Kid Rock teaches him to drink a beer instead of a girly cocktail! As the day is winding down, Penn takes Rock to a gay wedding, which, according to this movie, involves one of the men wearing a wedding dress! Are we seeing this wedding through Rock’s Republican eyes?

They then buy each other T-shirts and exchange them on the beach! Kid Rock and Sean Penn are totally about to fuck! After the pair leaves the beach to go bone down, the message of this inspirational tale appears onscreen for the benefit of the slower viewers: We’re all Americans, whether we love PETA, own guns, or are a sassy black woman. Those are the only three kinds of Americans. You too can put aside your cavalcade of liberal and conservative stereotypes and stop yelling crude insults at each other long enough to bond over some dead marines and go car shopping. Because in the end, aren’t we all just South Park jokes without the irony? Fuck yeah, Sean Penn and Kid Rock. Fuck yeah.

Mark is on Twitter and has a book.

Also check out The 6 Most Counterproductive PSAs of All Time and 7 Safety PSAs (That Were Clearly Made By Serial Killers).

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 6 PSAs Way More F#!@ed Up Than Any Drug Addict, and other videos you won’t see on the site!

Follow us on Facebook, and we’ll follow you everywhere.

If we’ve ever made you laugh or think, we now have a way where you can thank and support us!

Make a contribution

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/6-actors-who-tried-to-teach-lessons-and-madness-ensued/

[hawkingbishop]

OC questions:

I’m gonna answer these for my character Rebecca Tollingworth. Who I later changed to Persephone Rhodes. She’s from the story The Undeclared Life of Marilynn Baxter.

1. What’s their full name? If they’re an alien and their name is in their native planet’s language, have you thought about what it means? —// Rebecca Philippa Ann Tollingworth —// and then later on —// Persephone Alexandra Rhodes

2. Say your OC made a playlist on Spotify. What bands would be on that playlist? Any specific genres? —// I actually have writing playlists for different characters. —// https://open.spotify.com/user/hawkingbishop/playlist/4munDDgJ08wsBLwSXc0e73?si=3X6dnju1 —// That’s the one specific to Rebecca/Persephone, but I have a few more for Rebecca/Marilynn and one full playlist for the whole story. —// I’ll go back and add links for those. —// Brand New, The Wooden Birds, The New Amsterdams, The American Analog Set, Fiona Apple, Tegan and Sara, Jenny Owen Youngs, Uh Huh Her, Do Make Say Think, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Paramore, Daughter, Kate Nash, Kesha, No Doubt, Weezer, Feist, Metric, Bright Eyes. —// She likes a lot of music. She bonds with Marilynn over music. They share bands back and forth.

3. What kind of video games would they play? Any specific titles? —// LIFE IS STRANGE. —// She’d probably play Overwatch. Portal, Halo, Fallout 4. —// She’d probably be a Nintendo fan. Mario Kart, Pokémon, Zelda, etc…

4. What would their favorite cartoons be, and why? What would their favorite characters be? —// Sailor Moon, Hey Arnold!, The Powerpuff Girls, Totally Spies, Jem, Gargoyles, Doug, Scooby Doo, Aladdin, X-Men, Spider-Man, Batman, Recess, Captain Planet, Daria, Pepper Ann, Kim Possible, Gummi Bears, Care Bears, Futurama, Avatar, The Legend of Korra. —// She loved these because they showed her tough, strong, independent women. Also they were super cool with superheroes and adventurers. (Plus she had a crush on most of the girls.) —// Faves would be Korra/Asami, Katara and Toph, Elisa and Demona from Gargoyles, Daria and Jane, Sailor Uranus, Spinelli from Recess, Shego and Kim Possible, Rogue from X-Men, Patti Mayonaise from Doug, Leela from Futurama.

5. What’s their favorite type of weather? Do they like to do anything specific on days when the weather is how they like it? —// Autumn for sure. She likes wearing nice warm sweaters and going for a walk, watching the leaves rustle in the cool breeze, listening to music. She likes hot cocoa. She likes snuggling with Marilynn (both for gay reasons but also just friend reasons).

6. If they’re a fan of Hot Chocolate, Tea, or Coffee, how do they like either of those drinks prepared? —// All of the above! —// Hot Chocolate with mini marshmallows. —// Tea with sugar, milk, and honey. —// Coffee with sugar and milk. —// She likes chai lattes. Caramel Macchiato.

7. What kind of animals would they like as a pet? What names would they give their pets if they got any? If they already have pet’s what are their names? —// She’d love cats and/or dogs. —// I forget if she already had a pet. I tried looking back but couldn’t find anything… —// She’d have a cat named Lara Croft and a puppy named Hades. (Get it? Because she’s Persephone. I’m so lame…)

8. How does your OC keep track of time? Do they have a planner? A calendar? —// She has a journal she’s constantly writing in. So each page has the time and date. —// Other than that she has a wall calendar of Symmetra and she uses the calendar on her phone.

9. How do they write? Do they write in cursive? How do they dot their i’s and j’s? Do they have specific ways that they write certain letters? —// She’s a neat writer. Print. The perfect mix of bubbly and square. Sometimes she put stars above the “i” and “j”. Most times it’s just a big dot. —// She writes “z” and “7” with a line through it. —// She sometimes mixes cursive and print.

10. What’s their favorite time of day? —// Evening. She loves the dark, cool, quiet of it.

11. What kinds of foods and drinks do they like? Do they like certain foods to be fried? Do they prefer certain foods to be prepared hot/cold? —// She tries to be a vegetarian. She’s mostly good at it. She still eats eggs. She prefers scrambled with cheese.

12. If they were an actual character in an animated film or TV series, who would they be voiced by? Do they have a certain accent that the person would need to perfect? —// I think Tessa Thompson would be good. Or maybe Kiersey Clemons.

13. If you are an artist, and if your OC can draw as well, could you replicate what their artstyle looks like? Or, if you can’t, could you describe it? —// Lots of rounded edges. Very fluid. Precise when she needs to be.

14. If your OC owned a Tumblr blog, what kind of content would they post? —// GAY STUFF™ —// She’d be complaining about Supercorp not being canon. She’d love Wynonna Earp. Van Helsing. Grey’s Anatomy. How to Get Away With Murder. Scandal. The Bold Type. Chasing Life. Sweet/Vicious. —// She’d reblog a lot of hot women. —// Poetry. Mostly others’ but she’d post her own sometimes too. She might even have a sideblog she uses to post her writings about Marilynn. —// Cool photography. Drawings. Art in general.

15. How do they type? Do they use emojis? Do abbreviate and shorten words? —// She’s a fast typist. She begrudgingly used emojis at first but then falls in love with them. 🤷🏼‍♀️ —// When texting Marilynn she’ll shorten things. But on her blog she’s mostly longhand everything. Usually just when she gets excited will she resort to things like “v sexy” or “btw” or something…?

16. If your OC was a film director, what kind of movies would they make? —// Gay ones. Lesbian indie romances. LGBTQ in general. —// She’d use lots of flowy imagery and close ups. Lingering scenery shots. —// She’d also want to direct sci-fi/fantasy.

17. If your OC was a musical artist, what genres would they do? —// She’d probably play bedroom pop? Indie? I can see her playing acoustic guitar and singing. Maybe ukulele, keyboard, drums?

18. What type of singing voice does your OC have? —// Sultry. Soft. A bit scratchy. She has trouble with really high notes, but she mostly sings in whispers anyway.

19. Does your OC like to collect things? What kind of things do they collect? —// She has tons of pictures of her and Marilynn from over the years. She has some on her vanity and the rest in a photo album. —// She also collects little things she finds when traveling somewhere with Marilynn. Seashells, rocks, twigs, leaves, feathers, coins, other miscellaneous stuff people dropped like playing cards or dice or something.

20. Was your OC inspired by anything? Another character? A person? —// Yeah, she was originally inspired by my friend (crush at the time) Molly. Rebecca was originally a tall blonde just like Molly. Wlw like Molly (she’s bi though). Vocal. Social-minded. Nice. Beautiful. Smart.

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: 1997, part two

the songs which debuted on the billboard hot 100 between 3.15.1997 and 5.10.1997. 2/3 of the way there! i’ma try to get weeks 19-27 done by monday so we can cover weeks 28 and 29 of all three of 97/07/17 on wednesday, then resume posting as usual from there. i’m excited!

3.15.1997

9) "For You I Will," by Monica

this was ok, i guess. it's a stirring pitch to the boy, but i can also understand why the boy would still give brandy consideration after hearing this. the boy probably thinks monica doth insist too much. like, she promises to be the sun. she can't do that! monica's a star, but not a REAL star, just a famous person! the boy has reason to be dubious of monica's claims. no reason to be dubious of the key change, tho. hey remember key changes? remember when we used to like songs that were dynamic and didn't just bleep and bloop for three minutes? good times.

22) "Step by Step," by Whitney Houston

The YouTube recommendation bar just pulled up a bunch of Whitney Houston songs, and I'm not gonna lie, I'd much rather dip into that than find out what Zhane is. This is probably a second-tier Whitney song, insofar as I have any grasp of the ins-and-outs of the Whitney catalogue, but second-tier Whitney is still amazing. Like, you know how "Lose My Breath" is definitely one of the five-best songs from the expanded Beyonce universe, even though no one ever thinks about it? This is Whitney's "Lose My Breath" for me. I just wanna put this and "Return of the Mack" on repeat for a thousand years and die happy.

35) "Head Over Heels," by Allure ft./Nas

It's weird to hear Nas on a pop song. Like, Nas operated in the same space where someone like Vince Staples or Killer Mike currently operates, I always thought; clearly elite, but elite in a way not friendly with the mainstream. Illmatic didn't sound like something that'd get a dude on a pop song. Not that I'm angry Nas got that paper, it's just weird, like it'd be weird if Killer Mike suddenly collaborated with Calvin Harris. Also, girl group hype. This is a song that was playing while I was thinking about other things and I think I would've enjoyed it if I wasn't ignoring it, but at the same time, I don't believe in second impressions.

51) "Request Line," by Zhane

...Zhane, that was unfair, that thing I said about you two paragraphs ago. I am so glad to have found out about you. This song only has a peak of 39. I am comfortable declaring this the forgotten classic of 1997 so far. It references calling people over a phone line, which is so delightfuly antiquated, it references a 555 number which is a classic, and it implies that at one point you had to call a radio station to request a song rather than being able to access every song all at once on demand. All wonderful 1997 things, backed with a solid groove. This song is dope. I'm going to call into my local radio station RIGHT NOW and request that they play this!

76) "Too Late, Too Soon," by Jon Secada

imagine turning the radio on in 1997 and hearing this and keeping this song on because trying to tune the dial to a new station just to avoid this song wouldn't be worth the effort. i thought i wouldn't get michael bolton? i thought his whole thing was just an early-'90s thing, something akward between the grunge and the rap? i feel cheated, honestly. i shouldn't have had to listen to clay aiken in 1997.

79) "I Belong to You (Every Time I See Your Face)," by Rome

This dude's ad-libs are basically Young Thug mouthnoises. I'm into it. It's generic, but dude goes hard trying to sell this song, and I respect that hustle.

81) "Hip-Hopera," by Bounty Killa ft./The Fugees

LAURYN HILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even care that the rest of this song is just Bounty Killa saying things with a heavy accent that never actually justifies being called "Hip-Hopera" aside from some falsetto in the hook. Like, you wanna be a hip-hopera? Bring the drama. Can't just have the fat lady sing, you need to emote like your life depended on it, PROJECT, make something more over the top than this, but legit Lauryn Hill on the mic for even half a minute is a good thing, and this song at least had the good sense to put her at the top of this song so that, if you want to hear her verse again, you don't have to sift through a bunch of nothing.

91) "Weekend Thang," by Alfonzo Hunter

This is the second R&B slow jam about infidelity this week, and while it's superior, I wonder if people got as tired of dudes singing R&B in 1997 as I am of bro country in 2017? Like, the thing R&B dudes have over country dudes is, I can easily distinct Alfonzo Hunter from Rome. Rome was making all sorts of noises in his song, and Alfonzo Hunter is smoother, more confident. I can't tell you any meaningful difference between Chase Pickens and Ricky Graves, and you probably didn't realize those were fake names, because country dudes are interchangable. Listen, 1997 has been wonderfully bereft of country dudes, but the only thing I know how to do is complain about country dudes, SO I HAD TO SHOEHORN THIS IN SOMEWHERE, point is, R&B slow jamz all at least have some variety, and I'm not tired of them yet.

3.22.1997

22) "Ghetto Love," by Da Brat ft./T-Boz

"You laid pipe unlike any other plumber/Took me shoppin' all day and at night you kept me cummin'/Made dinner, collard greens, candied yams, and steak/Taught me how to measure grams, cook rocks, and chop weights" This song is incredible. Like, I grew up in a family adjacent to white trash; if anyone in the family smokes meth, it might not be surprising?, but it would definitely be news to me. So I don't know what it's like to settle in for a nice steak dinner, then sit down with my lover and learn how to manufacture and distribute crack cocaine. My girl and I would just play Mario Kart. This is a love unlike anything I could ever know, and I am glad to have heard tell of it. Also, "you laid pipe unlike any other plumber." That is a lyric!

34) "I Shot the Sheriff," by Warren G

...I want to applaud the social commentary? But at the same time, no, don't touch this song. This song was already very good, it didn't need you trying to muck it all up with your signature, just let it be. You can allude to this song in a better song about fighting back against the police, but don't just like do the song, it's not pleasant to listen to this song when it's not this song.

71) "Silent All These Years," by Tori Amos

One of the auto-complete results when I searched "silent all" was "silent all these years karaoke" and I want to meet the absolute fucking maniac who would ruin a karaoke night with this song and give them a stern lecture about the utility of fun. This is not a karaoke song. Even if this WERE a karaoke song, there's no way you have the verses memorized. There's too many words. You are going to stumble all over the verses and it’s going to suck for everyone in the bar to hear. You’re going to ruin five minutes of everyone’s lives, be responsible with your fucking choices. Like karaoke is not about communicating the deep inner pain with which Tori Amos helped you get in touch, what kind of horrible narcissist is singing Tori Amos songs at karaoke. I DID NOT FORCE MYSELF TO LOG OFF TUMBLR, PUT ON PANTS, AND TAKE A BUS TO THE BAR JUST TO HEAR TUMBLR: THE MUSICAL. ...Tori Amos is a quality songwriter and this song is incredibly sad and I am scared of feeling things which is why those other sentences exist.

84) "If Tomorrow Never Comes," by Joose

I found this R&B slow jam lacking because it tried to have A Moment, took some time to try to be a sweeping, epic slow jam, and while I applaud the ambition, it kinda just sounded like a worse version of the pop version of "A Whole New World."

97) "Under the Water," by Merril Bainbridge

this song is just heckin' beautiful. look at that, i'm even usin' "heck" instead of bad words because i don't want to profane this space right now. it's so soft and gentle and i don't want to do anything to ruin this moment i'm having. this i -- OH. OH, HELLO,  MAN. alright well fuck all this then where the fuck did this dude come from? this was a pleasant, lovely song, and then goddamn the dude from crash test dummies or w/e shows up and goes "UNDER THE WATER" and it's so jarring. i can't even enjoy this harmonica solo, i feel so betrayed! ...okay, i'm enjoying the harmonica a little bit. the harmonica was as nice a surprise as the dude was a rude one.

3.29.1997

7) "All by Myself," by Celine Dion

These charts are based off single sales and radio plays. It's so weird to consider that people would go out of their way to listen to a Celine Dion ballad in a pre-"My Heart Will Go On" world. Like, "Let it Go" was a top 20(?) hit if I recall correctly, but that was the signature song of a movie loved by teens. What is this. This is just a diva singing dramatically over a piano. People went to stores and either specifically bought this single or said, "Oh! My favorite recording artist, Salon Dijon! I need this like I need these other staples of every day life I have come to Target to purchase!" 1997 has had two Broadway-ish songs on the chart, 2007 had one Broadway-ish song, and 2017 has had zero, if anyone needed quantifiable proof the world was getting worse. (Shout out to Pete Holmes.)

13) "Everyday Is a Winding Road," by Sheryl Crow

Because my first exposure to Sheryl Crow was "Soak Up the Sun," an over-the-top cheery song about beaches that triggers an allergic reaction in my horrible soul, I never really fucked with Sheryl Crow. This is a jam, though. There's more of an edge here than there is in her later stuff. The key is "I get a little bit closer to feeling fine." This isn't a song about someone who is happy and taking life as it comes, this is about someone who's going through shit and hopes to be happy one day. It's like a prototype of "Hard Times," '90s alt-rock chick instead of '80s throwback. This is dope.

33) "One More Time," by Real McCoy

House music! It's been a while. Oh, good, you're rapping. I was hoping to hear someone rap in their second language. God damn you. YouTube Comments Under Shitty Dance Music, Vol. II "I might have one of the largest collections of Real McCoy CD's in the world. :-)" Real McCoy released four albums. Congratulations on having bought four items. That's not a collection, unless Real McCoy has been making other horrible music over the last 20 years.

42) "Your Woman," by White Town

/someone in 1997 hears this song /they franticaly scramble to their kitchen and dial numbers on a corded phone /someone answers Twenty-One! Twenty-One, it's your cousin Marvin! Marvin Pilots! You know that incomprehensible fake-hip-hop sound you've been looking for? WELL, LISTEN TO THIS! /Marvin Pilots holds the phone as near to his bedroom as he can No but seriously this is a goddamned Twenty-One Pilots song, this is amazing, this must be what it felt like when anthropologists or whatever discovered that da Vinci invented airplanes. Like, look! This always existed! This song is more interesting than this dumb joke, but it's also important to point out the similarities. Also: this dude released an album called Don't Mention the War. I like this dude. He seems like good people.

52) "You Don't Have to Hurt No More," by Mint Condition

"This house is not a home." This song is the most unbelievable thing I've heard so far because it is set in a world where single people own houses.

56) "I Don't Want To," by Toni Braxton

Look, you probably already knew this about me, but I find it hard to believe any dramatic tension that gets built by dangling a preposition. Like, I know you're gonna finish that sentence, it would be rude to just leave that "to" hanging in the middle. Clickbait titles could be so simplistic in 1997, though, because we hadn't been inured to all the tricks. We may think we know better than this song title, but back in 1997, people were screaming at the album cover, "don't want to what? DON'T WANT TO WHAT?" People who didn't have access to the single held weekly meetings to share their fan theories about what Toni Braxton didn't want to, one of the earliest online fan forums was built by people wringing their hands over what Toni Braxton didn't want to. People need to work to rook us in 2017, but in 1997, all it took was a sentence left unfinished. (The official YAS verdict on this song is that it is boring and I was bored by it.)

65) "Sho Nuff," by Tela ft./Eightball & MJG

This strip club anthem has maybe the most evocative storytelling any strip club anthem has ever had. It's about a young man who comes back to his hometown after spending time wherever it was he spent time, and discovering girls he used to know became strippers. "I remember this ho, she used to do nails for Rochelle's" is such a delightful detail, the way he specifies not just what she used to do but where she did it being something straight out of a country song. Is it followed by "You heard me! Push these thirty dicks inside your clit?" Well, not immediately, but yes, those words do occupy the same space, but when it isn't exceedingly gross, there's a lot of homey charm in this song.

80) "For You," by Kenny Lattimore

The description for this song claims this is "the only song you should get married to." The first line of this song is "For you, I'd give a lifetime of stability." Oh, yeah, baby girl, if you're looking for a man who'll settle for an office job if this music thing doesn't work out, I'm that guy. When you're ready to accept Wednesday nights spent bickering over what to watch on Netflix while we wait for the Chinese food to get here, you have my number. I'm that man who can drive a Camry and won't talk about his fantasy football team... because he knows it bores you. I'm waiting for you to decide to want this. "For you, I'd make a promise of fidelity." It worries me you waited until your wedding day to make this promise, Ken. That should have just gone without saying! Why would you bring that up now?

92) "Bill," by Peggy Scott-Adams

OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS. I. I was expecting a lot from 1997. I don't think I could have ever expected this song to exist in the way it exists. It's a dynamo vocal performance of a deeply silly and probably slightly offensive song. I don't want to say too much because this is a song which could legitimately be spoiled, but like listen to it. You probably won't be disappointed.

94) "Insomnia," by Faithless

this song is at once the class of 1997's dark dance music, and it also features a vocal performance that's way too low-energy to be rap but is too high energy to be spoken word so i guess i have to call it rapping? but like if you're rapping, and i can reasonably state that Egoraptor is a better rapper than you, are you really rapping? anyway heck europe.

4.5.1997

67) "Precious Declaration," by Collective Soul

Sometimes in 2017, Imagine Dragons will break through the trap and release a song that charts, and I'll react to it with baffled indifference; I don't care, but at the same time, I don't get why people who ostensibly enjoy rock music would listen to Imagine Dragons. I get the same sense listening to this Collective Soul song. Like, it didn't ruin my day, but is this really the best you could do? If you like alternative rock, why on earth are you listening to Collective Soul? The Verve Pipe has other songs! They're not as good as "The Freshmen" but better than this!

81) "A Little Bit of Ecstacy," by Jocelyn Enriquez

"Tee hee! The casual observer will think I am singing about feeling happy, when I actually am singing about doing drugs and having sex! What a trickster I am!" Dance music is bad and everyone who listened to it has the wrong idea about everything. We're not even out of the third month. There is more to come, and I already blew the “this entire genre is garbage” shot. Oh, dear.

94) "One Night at a Time," by George Strait

Our first country dude of 1997! And it's not just some random country dude, it's The Possum, singing an OK song about how nice being in love is and how much effort maintaining a healthy relationship requires! Nothing special, but pleasant, especially since it's not surrounded by fifty other songs by dudes in the same hat with the same voice. This constitutes a break from the onslaught of R&B dudes, is not part of its own separate slog. I appreciate the commitment to diversity, 1997. (Diversity in genre if not in gender, I guess. Not as bad as 2017, I don't think, but, hey, we all could be doing better.)

95) "Step Into a World (Rapture's Delight)," by KRS-One

"I'm not saying I'm number one -- I'm sorry, I lied/I'm number one, two, three, four, and five" That's fucking incredible. Like, one'd be hard-pressed to disagree with KRS-One on that claim after hearing this song. KRS-One occupies the same space as The Roots did from part one, where I understood they were important but hadn't actually made the effort to check them out, and now I see I've been missing out. This dude's incredible. "I'm not run of the mill, 'cuz for the mill I don't run." This is like if Chance the Rapper was good.

98) "That's Right," by DJ Taz ft./Raheem the Dream

remember when the atl wasn't the epicenter of homogeneity and the city housed artists that sounded great without sounding like anything else. what happened. i mean, this song probably isn't the one we want to point to when complaining about the current state of atlanta, not when we got outkast comin' in a couple of songs, but like something this light and breezy and fun isn't the sort of thing atlanta traffics in anymore, and the world is worse for losing this spirt.

4.12.1997

17) "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole

One of the best tweets of all time theorizes that "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" and "The Boys Are Back in Town" are two different perspectives on the same event, and this Paula Cole fan theory will be a part of me until the world burns down. It's a good song, but also it's absolutely ruined for me.

59) "Jazzy Belle," by OutKast

ATLiens is the best OutKast album and the first five tracks ("Two Dope Boys," "ATLiens," "Wheelz of Steel," "Elevators," "Jazzy Belle") might be the best five-track stretch in the whole of hip-hop history and even if I'm not into the remix they released to radio I'm so incredibly into the original that I'm fine with a Xerox. I'm fanboying, and you didn't come here for that, but gosh I do love this song.

75) "Come On," by Billy Lawrence ft./MC Lyte

This song was acceptable. You ever hit a point where you've been listening to songs for two hours and trying to think about them and then you come across two songs you already know your thoughts on so you go "Oh, cool, I can do other things while still listening to these songs so I can say I listened to them" and then you get to a song you're not familiar with but you're still in "doing other things while listening to music" mode? That's what happened. This is a feeling which I am sure is incredibly relatable, as all of us have series where we listen to every pop song ever and post our thoughts about them. I'm sure this song is better than I treated it, and I could just listen to it again but oh no what happened my fingers just typed the next song into the bar and now the music is gone from youtube forever it doesn't exist anymore i can't go back oh no oh nooooooooo

4.19.1997

24) "My Baby Daddy," by B-Rock & The Bizz

...I came into this refreshed. I watched some other videos -- this is the least embarrassing Punk Goes Pop compilation yet! -- took a shower, had some breakfast, I was ready to accept this song into my life. I mean, "My Baby's Mama" had a ridiculous title, but that was more or less acceptable, and I thought this was a response song. That's a lost art, the response song. I don't think we've had a true response song since Frankie's unforgettable classic "Fuck You Right Back," though I haven't listened to "Bodak Yellow" yet. This was... Certainly, an experience I won't forget, but not for lack of trying.

73) "Until I Find You Again," by Richard Marx

In a position where I can see the future, I see "Hypnotize" and "Bitch" dropping next week, and I can kind of understand that 1997 is in the calm before the storm. It's disappointing to endure, for sure, no one ever intends on listening to soft rock, but I'm ten minutes away from thinking about "Hypnotize." I appreciate 1997 for giving me this time to clear my mind and accept "Hypnotize" into my life.

87) "Sweet Sexy Thing," by Nu Flavor ft./Roger Troutman

It wasn't that long ago that we were letting dudes feature on boy band songs despite the fact they were calling themselves Roger Troutman. We can quibble about how good a rap name KYLE is, but at least it's not a pirate fish monster.

93) "Just the Way You Like It," by Tasha Holiday ft/Mase

This is Tasha Holiday's only song that charted on the Hot 100, and it appeared to have only spent one week on the chart, as it never got higher than 93. That has to be weird for an artist. You make a song that's popular enough that it can make the chart and people will upload it to YouTube 20 years later, but at the same time, your song wasn't popular at all and your song has significantly fewer views than "My Babby Dad," which is a song no one put effort into making. You had two celebrated songwriters on the track, and they made a song that someone who listened to an average amount of Top 40 radio might have heard once on "New Tunes Tuesday." Per Wikipedia, she was last seen doing feature spots on Soundcloud tracks, so it's at least good to hear she didn't stop believing.

97) "Don't Keep Wasting My Time," by Teddy Pendergrass

i am not going to argue against teddy pendergrass. i understand that, of all the '90s r&b slow jamz specialists, he's the one that got a shout out on "slow jamz," so i'm digging this song while assuming this is not his most iconic work. this is dope, and it's nice to hear a voice with rasp. '90s r&b isn't very husky, y'know? great voices without a lot of depth. this dude knows how to use his voice to most effectively communicate his pain, and it's dope as hell. this is the worst positive thing anyone's ever written about teddy pendergrass, like y'all know he's great and i'm late to the party.

4.26.1997

2) "Hypnotize," by The Notorious B.I.G.

i wonder if the people who made "rise" knew that they would be playing an integral role in one of the greatest songs of all time, if they knew that the song they were making wasn't the song they would be remembered for. that intro, those three guitar blasts (music term) and biggie going "oh," is this miracle, and i wonder if anyone who made "rise" knew their song was going to be used to bring a miracle into this world. "we got so close!" the bassist might have cried upon hearing biggie's tone over the track he laid down. "if we had replaced the trumpet with talking..."

30) "Staring at the Sun," by U2

Like, even if it weren't one of the last songs Biggie ever released, we'd still remember "Hypnotize" as fondly as we do, because it's just this incredible perfect thing. Biggie just has this phenomenal, laid-back flow. You're not blown away by any lyrical twist or vocal trick, Biggie just lumbers along in time, and it's just fun to hear someone rap like that, and this track is the perfect complement to his voice, this groovy thing he can really sink into and flow with. P. Diddy isn't the greatest musician, but he has a great ear for what other people can do. He and Biggie could have made more songs like this. That song, man.

57) "Bitch," by Meredith Brooks

It remains to be seen if the music of 1997 is better than the music of 2007 or 2017 -- even in a week with "Hypnotize" and "Bitch," 1997 is going to lose the weekly competition because "Umbrella" is as good as "Hypnotize" and "Thnks fr th Mmrs" is better than "Bitch" and 1997 won't have anything better than "The Story" -- but we can definitively state that "Blank Space" was better in 1997. I was struck by how similar this song was to "Blank Space," mostly because I forgot "Bitch" had verses. The thematic concepts in "Bitch" and "Blank Space" are similar, both songs stating "You should have known I was complicated, and now I am presenting these complications and you will not enjoy it," but while Tay Tay's is rooted in the personal mythos of Tay Tay, one needing to understand Tay Tay's relationship with her #brand to fully understand the song, Meredith Brooks' is accessible to all, more generalized and less personal, not needing to make some grand statement about who Meredith Brooks is as a person and what being in a relationship with her is like. There's less baggage to "Bitch," so to answer the question HOT ON EVERYONE'S MIND, "Bitch" is a better version of "Blank Space" than "Blank Space."

88) "Full of Smoke," by Christion

This song has the singular misfortune of being the R&B slow jamz to follow Teddy Pendergrass. It is the victim of higher expectations and will not benefit from the expectational adjustment being performed as a result of hearing a dude sing exclusively in falsetto. I'm sure, out of the context of this deeply silly project, this would be a much more fun song to hear, but like no thank you. Now that I know what else slow jamz can do, I need more than overdramatic sings and this dude squeaking.

89) "Stop the Gunfight," by Trapp ft./2pac & Notorious B.I.G.

Fun fact! If you listen to this song, you will have done significantly more to prevent gun violence in the United States than every Senator COMBINED! Congratulations on doing more than nothing! Thoughts and prayers for EVERYONE!

5.3.1997

16) "MMMBop," by Hanson

Hanson makes legitimately wonderful music. Even when they were children with hair like the kid from Room, they were making songs that were exceptionally well-crafted, even if they were about some nonsense. You can kind of tell, on this song, that Hanson was trying to make a point about aging and losing touch with people and friendship that they couldn't make because they were legitimately 14, not music 14 where they're 14 and singing songs written by 40-year-olds but actual immature 14. The song is honestly far better than it has any right to be, and every day I remember Hanson weathered the storm and became normal people who make insanely good pop music is a good day.

45) "Don't Wanna Be a Player," by Joe

...JOE?! Hold up. So many R&B slow jammers didn't make it all the way to 2007. Hell, significantly fewer artists made it from 1997 to 2007 than made it from 2007 to 2017, and one of them was this random dude named Joe, this dude with one of the five most generic names as a stage name who has no defining personality traits. This dude? This dude's who y'all took with ya? I'm not even going to pretend to try to get this. Like all he's swearing to a girl is that he won't cheat on her. He's not pledging eternal love, he's not swearing he will climb a mountain, he will not defend her against the armies of every nation, he's just saying, "I will finally stop fucking other people." That's a really shitty promise. Like, way to spend four minutes promising a girl the bare minimum.

85) "Feelin' It," by Jay-Z

hey. hey, guys. jay-z? this jay-z cat? he's pretty amazing at rapping. be sure to give him a follow and show him some love in the comments.

94) "6 Underground," by Sneaker Pimps

this song sounds like the episode of buffy where seth green goes through an entire season of plot in one episode and then leaves the show forever. what i am trying to say is, this song sounds like two werewolves feeling a deep desire for one another but one of the werewolves a sweet lesbian witch girlfriend he doesn't want to abandon but he can't stop himself from abandoning her when he's in werewolf form so he runs to the mountains. that's what this song reminds me of, is that feeling when that. i'm that. i don't know what i came into this paragraph to do but i know i have the "wild at heart" wikipedia page open and Marti Noxon says of the episode "The whole issue of sexuality between men and women is kind of fraught because of the beast" and boy that is just a quote right there, innit. this song's over! huzzah. electronic music is still mostly bad, turns out.

96) "Can U Feel It," by 3rd Party

YouTube Comments Under Shitty Dance Music, Vol. III "ive been listening to this since i was a kid and since release lol. i had this on a cassette tape when there was no CD's" Buddy, what the heck kind of dystopia were you living in that didn't have CDs in 1997? OK but real quick I don't understand the nostalgia for cassette tapes. Cassette tapes sounded like garbage and sucked to carry around. I get owning one as a fun novelty, "Haha this band I like was selling them at a concert and I had to, and I mean it's nice to support the things I love!" But if you're defending the audio quality of cassette tapes, you have taken irony too far and are no longer a hipster, and you need to have a serious talk with yourself about what you hope to achieve in this life.

5.10.1997 28) "G.H.E.T.T.O.U.T.," by Changing Faces

The chorus of the song features the two women harmonizing over the words, "I can do bad all by myself," and 1997 just keeps on surprising us, this time revealing the origins of a Tyler Perry movie title. I did some research. The only other results for "I can do bad all by myself" are all related to the Tyler Perry film. That kind of speaks to the quality of the lyric, y'know? Like, if a director of some repute (haven't seen any of his movies, they are not for me but assuredly competently helmed) carried this lyric with him long enough to name his movie-musical after it, surely, there's some value. Great work, Changing Faces. I hope more people than just me figured out the title was a reference to something.

42) "Blood on the Dance Floor," by Michael Jackson

Shortly before the voting results for the starting line-ups of the MLB All-Stars were announced, certain among the baseball internet argued that, as they were future Hall of Famers, players like Miguel Cabrera should be given extra consideration for a spot, since you aren't going to remember Justin Smoak in thirty years, but you might tell your grandchildren about Miguel Cabrera. And there is merit; Miguel Cabrera is more deserving of the All-Star designation than a Justin Smoak, since Miguel Cabrera is an actual star baseball player and Justin Smoak happened to hit 20 of his ~100? career home runs in three well-timed months. But if you're such a profoundly boring grandparent that you would tell your grandchildren about baseball players you watched on TV, and you tell them about Miguel Cabrera, are you going to tell them about the time he hit a grounder to second in the second inning of the 2017 MLB All-Star Game? Your grandchildren will ask you why you weren't watching a cooler sport. This song is okay, but if you introduced your grandchildren to Michael Jackson with this song, and your grandchildren discovered Michael Jackson years later, your grandchildren would emancipate themselves from their parents just to not be related to you anymore. Also, it would be worth noting to your grandchildren that Michael Jackson was probably a pedophile.

44) "Thinking of You," by Tony! Toni! Tone!

A more appropriate name for this band would have been Tony. Toni. Tone. (I'm sorry, Tone, but if I'm not gonna remember how to make the accented e for Beyonce, you are just incredibly out of luck.) This is chill. Maybe you can justify one exclamation point, but determining who gets the exclmation point probably would have caused intra-group strife, and I think it would've been more appropriate if the band's name reflected how chill they were. When Panic! At the Disco were going through their Beatles phase, they switched to Panic at the Disco. You should have been looking ahead through time and taking notes from them.

76) "I Wanna Be There," by Blessid Union of Souls

This song sounds like the song that kicks off the slow dances at the junior high school dance. It'll stop the kids from getting so rowdy that they start grinding, but isn't so romantic that they'll start making out on the dance floor. A safe ballad to keep the hands above the waist and prevent glances from being too meaningful. It simultaneously sets and kills the mood. It's a hard trick to pull off, but my stars, it does it!

83) "ESPN Presents: The Jock Jam," by Various Artists

/slow clap The YouTube description states, "FOR ENTERTAINMENT USE ONLY," and I want to meet the person who intended on using this for educational purposes.

90) "Call Me," by Too $hort ft./Lil' Kim

Imagine the thinkpieces if any of today's female rappers put the line "I slip myself a mickey, now that's the proper set off" in their song. Boy, this song sure exists! I don't think I've ever heard a song end with the two credited artists fucking. That's kind of amazing. What a song this is. This is off the soundtrack for the film Booty Call, and however much the music supervisor paid to have Too $hort and Lil' Kim make a song for their movie, they got their money's worth and more. Unless Booty Call is actually porn, there is no way it lives up to this song.

92) "The Old Apartment," by Barenaked Ladies

This seems like as good a point as any to stop the post, as I am not in the business of critiquing BNL. BARENAKED LADIES ARE TRIPLE PLATINUM. ARE YOU?!

The Top 20 for 1997 so far! 20) "MMMBop," by Hanson (5.3) 19) "Everyday Is a Winding Road," by Sheryl Crow (3.29) 18) "It's All About U," by SWV (1.18) 17) "In My Bed," by Dru Hill (1.11) 16) "Talk to Me," by Wild Orchid (3.1) 15) "Please Don't Go," by No Mercy (2.8) 14) "Don't Keep Wasting My Time," by Teddy Pendergrass (4.19) 13) "Feelin' It," by Jay-Z (5.3) 12) "Step by Step," by Whitney Houston (3.15) 11) "On and On," by Erykah Badu (1.25) 10) "I Want You," by Savage Garden (3.1) 9) "Silent All These Years," by Tori Amos (3.22) 8) "What They Do," by The Roots (1.11) 7) "Step Into a World (Rapture's Delight)," by KRS-One (4.5) 6) "I'm Not Feeling You," by Yvette Michele (2.22) 5) "Bill," by Peggy Scott-Adams (3.29) 4) "I'll Be," by Foxy Brown ft./Jay-Z (2.15) 3) "Bitch," by Meredith Brooks (4.26) 2) "Return of the Mack," by Mark Morrison (3.1) 1) "Hypnotize," by The Notorious B.I.G. (4.26) What a solid list. And it’s only gonna get more solid, what with the Third Eye Blind and Backstreet Boys and Robyn coming our way. It’s not gonna be as strong as this section was, I don’t think, but it at least has the capacity to surprise. Tune in Monday, I hope!

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Irresistible Cool Google Gadgets Your Customers Will Love

When we talk about cool gadgets, we don’t mean James Bond cool gadgets. The term “cool gadgets” discusses a specific set of electronics which stand out from the rest of the crowd in their special use or rarity. Typically, the reason could be anything. While a calculator cannot be set aside as a cool gadget, cool electronic binoculars with night vision and focus adjustors would count as one. The obvious question would be the factors that distinguish the cool gadgets from the not-so-cool ones. While listing all the factors could take an eternity, you’ll find some of the factors here.

* New Technology – When the Bluetooth was introduced, there were only a couple of manufacturers who understood its importance and incorporated the technology into their cell phones. Those cell phones were considered “cool gadgets”. A typical example of a cool gadget now would be one of those Smartphones or the iPhone or even the iPad. While the Amazon Kindle can be considered a cool gadget, it is arguable.

* Rarity – If you own it and your friends own it and everybody you know own it, it’s not really a cool gadget anymore even if it’s an iPhone. Think of this – when everyone you knew wandered around with a candy bar cell phone, one of your friends must have owned a gem of a cell phone. Now that would have been a cool gadget.

* Cool Brand Name – Well, this is simplicity itself. Some brand names are cool and some are not. The Barbecue Propane Gauge is a boring name while the Xbox sounds cool.

These are just some of the reasons why cool gadgets stand out from the others. It is never unanimously accepted because there are always complainers. If the majority of the geeks accept it as a cool gadget, then it goes down in the history books as one.

This year has been remarkable for cool gadgets because there have been some impressive gadgets in the market. With the size of the computer gradually decreasing and its features exponentially increasing, the vacuum tube computers evolved into desktops and laptops and finally into tablet PCs. You can describe them in one word – Awesome! The Windows phone is critically acclaimed but has not received too much attention from the people, maybe because they think it’s going to be bug-ridden too. On the other hand, the Android phone was well received by the masses. You can now change the way you watch TV with the latest 3DTVs. If Nintendo’s Wii can attract people, Microsoft’s Xbox 360 Kinect can redefine the concept of gaming. These are just some of the really cool gadgets of last year but 2010 has been fortunate in the endless list of new innovative products that came out.

Vacuum tubes are a long way off and you have already come past the age of desktops and with any luck, you own a decent laptop. In this chain of electronics, the next in line is a tablet PC; it comes with no keyboard and no mouse. You better get used to touching screens if you want to purchase a tablet. If you cross a notebook PC and a PDA, a tablet is what you get – combining the features of both these gadgets. Now you know why this can be classified as a cool gadget. Remember the days when you used to use a black slate and a chalk piece; well, this is the electronic version of it. You can either use the virtual keyboard to write stuff or you can write on the screen with the stylus – depending on how you like it. The amazing thing about the tablet is that it does everything that your normal computer can do and more. It can be docked for use with a keyboard and a mouse and even a bigger monitor. When we talk about a convertible tablet, it just means that there is a small detachable keyboard to it while the slate tablet comes regularly with just the screen. Their size and portability make it an amazing gadget for travelers and people who need to be on the move most of the time. Typically, tablets can be as expensive as you want it to be. Though you often hear rumors about $100 tablets, you would be better off with the cheapest tablet at $300 knowing that it’s going to work for sure. The most expensive tablets can be priced at a thousand or more dollars. Since compactness, innovation, and technology define tablets, they are best for teenagers, travelers, businessmen and for the regular Internet user.

Microsoft has been making it big with the Windows 7 OS and has decided to incorporate their advanced Windows Mobile OS in some cell phones. Amazingly, the phone doesn’t have bugs or at least ones that can be easily found like with the desktop version of the operating system. The term “Windows phone” refers to the class of phones which come with the Windows operating system. Sending emails and text messages, browsing the Internet using the mobile Internet Explorer, calendar, games, and office applications are some of the things that can be done with a Windows phone. The whole world is using Windows, of course with the exception of some Linux geeks. It bodes well for the regular user to get a Windows phone because it can easily interface with his computer. Multi-tasking is better with a Windows phone; it also comes with zillions of third-party applications like the Android phone. The cost of the Windows phone 7 ranges from $500 to $800. Anybody who thinks that Windows XP is the best operating system in existence can definitely go in for a Windows phone for the same user experience.

The 3DTV is another cool gadget. Simply put, you can bring home the theater effect on your home screen with this electronic gadget. While some models may come with the glasses, other models do not. Technically expressed, it enables you to watch TV in all the three dimensions with features like stereoscopic capture and multi-view capture. The difference between the 3DTV and the normal TV is the fact that the former projects all entities on the screen in a three-dimensional field which accounts for the visual appeal. Depending on the technology, the price of a 3DTV starts from $1000 in Samsung for a 50″ LED screen ranging up to $2499 for a Sony Bravia model. A regular couch-potato would have a whole new experience watching TV; movie-lovers and techies would find this cool gadget irresistible.

Google strikes again with the Android OS in phones. It makes it impossible for us to brush it aside as just another operating system because of the huge cult following that it has succeeded in creating. Typically, any phone with the Android operating system can be called an Android phone. Like any other Smartphone, the whole gamut of messaging, e-mailing, notes, Internet and third-party applications are satisfied by the Android phone. The key difference between any operating system and the Android is the simplicity of use. You may choose to create buttons for anything and everything. The cheapest model may be priced at $250 for a no-contract offer while the price of the most expensive phone is limited by nothing. People who desire Smartphones and the best-in-line OS can go for an Android phone.

Motion control joysticks have become the new mode of gaming with the advent of the Nintendo Wii, Sony Move, and Microsoft Kinect. With the Kinect, you get a full body move gaming experience. If you manage to haul yourself off the couch, you are well on your way to gaming with the Kinect. Typically, everything you do in real life, your character does it on the screen. The concept of whole body moving is new and has been achieved only with the Kinect – this sets it apart from the rest of the products. If you own a console and you’re looking to just get the Kinect controller, you’ll have to shell out $150. Any gamer would love to purchase one of these babies.

The Android and Windows phones definitely have cheaper alternatives, but the other cool gadgets have no known Chinese products in the bag. But if you can wait for a while for these products to be absorbed into the market, it’ll give the Chinese some time to think of amazing alternatives.

Google latest gadgets

All webmasters and bloggers are always on a constant quest to improve the browsing experience for their readers and visitors. One of the best ways to do this is to integrate the latest Google gadgets to the site. This article will show webmasters where to get the latest gadgets and how to implement them into websites.

Types of Google gadgets

The latest Google gadgets can be divided into two major divisions; productivity and entertainment.

1. Productivity Gadgets

Productivity gadgets are those that are used to improve understanding of the content on a web page. Some of the latest gadgets include:

Calendar viewer – This gadget allows users to see the planned future events. For instance, a technology blog can show users when the next meet up is etc.

Currency converter – This is one of the latest gadgets with the most usefulness. Users are able to easily convert different currencies using this gadget. They will not need to search for the exchange rates because the gadget regularly updates itself to provide the most accurate results.

Stock charts – This is one of the latest Google gadgets that stock market investors find most useful. It allows users to see all the daily changes in any security’s stock price without having to visit financial sites. There is a wide variety of the latest Google gadgets that increase productivity in all areas of life.

2. Entertainment Gadgets

Entertainment gadgets are those that give a website’s users a way to pass time on your site. They make a user enjoy the time spent on the site. The end result of this is usually lower bounce rates and more conversions. Some of the latest gadgets available include:

Games like bejeweled, super Mario Bros, super fight etc. A simple fun game on a few pages on your site can do a lot in increasing time spent on the site. These latest Google gadgets work best with entertainment sites and personal blogs.

Wallpaper gadgets that allow webmasters to add slideshows to the home pages. These increase a website’s aesthetic appeal. These are some of the latest gadgets that most webmasters should add to their sites.

How to add the latest Google gadgets to a web page

All a person needs to do is select any one of the latest gadgets that he is interested in. After clicking on it, he is taken to a page where he sets it up as the wants it to appear on the page. The parameters that are adjusted include:

• Title – one can add a catchy title to the gadget to lure visitors to use it • Width in pixels • Height in pixels • Language • Border design

These gadgets can have varying parameters depending on the type of gadget.

After setting the parameters up, the webmaster then clicks the “get the code” option. This allows the webmaster to get the code for the latest gadgets. He then passes the simple code on any part of his website. The gadget starts working immediately.