#this was kinda made in a haze at like midnight

[kodzue-ken]

Koby is the one texting garp for sure

[wlntrsldler]

heartless | luke castellan

MDNI!!!!!!

fuckboy! luke (kinda) but also kind of loser!luke a little bit. enemies to lovers (more of sexual tension really); not canon, no betrayal, and pokes fun of aphrodite girls but yk i love them, this is just for the plot. ares!reader x luke castellan.

i. never need a bitch, i'm what a bitch need, tryna find the one that can fix me; i've been dodging death in the six-speed.

there were many things about being a half-blood that luke hated. having a deadbeat father ranks highly on the list, obviously, and the lack of exposure to the real world was up there, too. he ran away from camp once during the year when there weren’t many kids around. it was right after his eighteenth birthday when he thought that his life would magically change for the better now that he beat the odds (sue him for being hopeful), but when the clock hit midnight and he was still stuck on his cramped, cot in the corner of the hermes cabin, he decided enough was enough. 

he did his final cabin checks and left camp after, wandering aimlessly until he found the train station to take him straight to the city. he hopped over the turnstile and squeezed himself into the crowded subway car. the first thing that struck luke was how different each group of people was from each other. in one corner, there were businessmen in itchy suits, trying to check out the group of girls across from them, clearly dressed for a night out. luke scoffed at them, smirking to himself when one of the men flushed in embarrassment at the fact that luke caught him. 

what a fucking loser, luke thought. 

there was a girl around luke’s age, sneaking glances at him. she was pretty; blonde, pouty-lipped, and definitely interested. at this point, luke hadn’t been experienced. other than the aphrodite girls flirting with him and the occasional hazed and rushed makeout sessions during the campfires, luke hadn’t done anything with anyone. but if he can make the daughters of the goddess of love blush, surely it couldn’t be that difficult to make a mortal fall under his charm too. 

he was right. 

he shot her one of his signature smirks, feeling a sense of pride bloom in his chest when she had to grab onto the pole in front of her to keep steady. luke adjusted the navy sweater he had on, tugging on the collar a bit to show off a little skin. his silver necklace sat nicely on his neck and he watched subway girl’s eyes rake over his body. luke bit his bottom lip, motioning for the girl to take the empty seat beside him. her eyes widened, but she did what she was told. 

unfortunately, reality caught up with him quickly when a hellhound found him as he was exiting the subway car with the pretty girl (jessie? jane? janet? he doesn’t remember.) around his arm. luke castellan was a lot of things, but a killer wasn’t one of them, so he made some stupid excuse to the girl about why he had to leave just so he could keep her safe. (it killed him to do it. he’s a teenage boy. he has needs.) the girl walked away, upset, huffing to her friends about how he wasted her time and got her hopes up. luke just rolled his eyes and dislodged his small knife from his pocket sitting beside his half-smoked cigarette box, ready to take on the hellhound. 

“you couldn’t wait ‘til i at least got to second base?” luke cringed, partly at himself for talking to the hellhound like it could talk back to him. “had to show up right now, huh, buddy?” 

he received a growl in return. 

the fight wasn’t too terrible, but after the hellhound whimpered, walking away in defeat, luke was too tired to continue his exploration of the real world. he hopped on the train back to camp, clutching the scratch the hellhound left on him. his (only nice piece of clothing) navy sweater was ruined. the thread was falling apart where the hellhound dug its claws in and it was stained with his blood. he would’ve fought better and avoided the injury if his balls weren’t fucking blue. 

luke closed his eyes, breathing heavily. even though it was only for a few minutes, the idea of being a regular teenager, flirting with girls, going to clubs, drinking cheap tequila from a plastic bottle, was something luke yearned for. he only got to experience a fraction of it. he wanted to experience it more, preferably without testing death each time. 

the older kids heard of luke’s adventure when they saw the counselor walking into the apollo cabin the following morning to get his wounds treated. he made a note to never tell chris anything again because the boy couldn’t keep his mouth shut if he tried. by lunch, the entire camp, including chiron and mr. d, heard about luke’s unplanned visit to the city and his interaction with one of hades’ guards. 

“luke.” 

he turned around, eyebrows furrowed, then raised in surprise. in front of him were three aphrodite girls, pouting at him. he crossed his arms across his chest, smirking, “what’s up, gorgeous?” 

“heard you went looking for some fun last night.” 

“are we not good enough for you, luke?” 

“why would you go looking for better when you have the best right here in camp?” 

luke wanted to laugh. the aphrodite girls were always so bold with their words, but when it came down to the wire, they would never want to disappoint their mom by being with the golden boy-turned-teenage dirtbag. he respected it, though. their allegiance to their mom was admirable. if aphrodite was his godly parent and she gave him the power to always be attractive, he didn’t think he’d do anything to piss her off either. 

“why do you think i came back?” luke flirted, running a hand through his curls, “realized there was nobody like you.” 

the three girls blushed and giggled, even if none of them knew who his comment was actually directed toward. they waved goodbye to him, and he watched them walk away, admiring the view. 

“you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” 

luke couldn’t stop his lips from quirking upwards at the sound of your voice, “what now, y/n?” 

you and luke had been at each other’s throats since you first got to camp half-blood. you, as the daughter of ares, one of his favorites coming only second to clarisse, pushed luke’s buttons like no other. you walked into camp and immediately saw through his boy-next-door facade and saw him for who he truly was. usually, luke would hate you for it, but now, it was hard for him not to think about shutting you up in other ways. less friendly ways, but if he had his ways, just as harsh. 

the rivalry began when you were fourteen. the title of best swordsman bounced between the two of you over the years. luke currently has the title, but it was only because he cheated; he swears he’s just better, but there’s no universe where you’d actually admit luke castellan was better than you at something. the five seconds between you being chosen to be head counselor for the ares cabin and him being chosen as the head counselor for the hermes cabin were the best five seconds of your life. it was the only time you held a higher position than him. 

luke quite enjoyed your little banter (when you weren’t around to ruin his game). it only got better when he had his huge growth spurt and you could no longer reach things when he held it up over his head. when you didn’t talk and run your mouth (usually cursing at him or cursing him), luke thought you might even be cute. he loved making you turn red, even if it was out of pure anger over his antics, but his favorite is when he gets you tongue-tied because his dirty, teenage brain makes him say something before he thinks.

“there’s no way that actually worked on them.” 

“take a look for yourself,” luke motioned to the group of girls who were now whispering and shooting heart eyes at him. “it always works.” 

“oh, get your head out your ass, castellan,” you spat. 

“spitting is not going to get you the reaction you might think,” luke smirked, eyeing you up and down. your eyes widened and you looked away from him to hide the redness of your cheeks. like that. luke licked his lips, “might actually have the opposite effect on me.” 

“you’re disgusting.” 

luke let out a full belly laugh as you walked away from him. sure, there were some pretty shitty things about camp half-blood, but there were some pretty great things there too, and messing with you is on the top of his list. 

ii. hundred models gettin' faded in the compound, tryna love me but they never get a pulse down.

“do you guys always fight like this?” 

you and luke peeled your eyes away from each other at the sound of percy’s voice. the poor boy was looking between his two mentors, torn because he had no idea who to listen to. you sighed, walking over to him. 

you placed a hand on his shoulder, “sorry, percy. luke is just… forget it, let’s just try it one more time, yeah?” 

“luke is just what?” luke asked, an eyebrow raised in a challenge. “finish your sentence, y/n. c’mon.” 

“the words i’d like to use wouldn’t be appropriate for a twelve-year-old to hear.” 

“‘m from new york, i probably heard it already,” percy shrugged, pausing. “come to think of it, i probably used it before.” 

luke let out a chuckle, patting percy on the back. “my man.” 

“can you not encourage cussing, head counselor?” 

“fine, i guess you’re just gonna have to tell me what you were going to say later. in private.” 

“castellan,” you smacked his chest. hard. you were furious with luke, but you couldn’t help but flush at his suggestive words, “don’t start.” 

percy frowned, “i don’t get it.” 

luke took mercy on you and wrapped an arm around the boy. he led percy away, promising to continue working on his sword skills later after capture the flag. before they disappeared from your view, luke made sure to turn around to shoot you a wink. you flipped him off in return. 

it wasn’t always like this between you and luke. once upon a time, your banters were innocent, like kids fighting over the last piece of candy in the jar. luke literally used to pull your hair when he was behind you in the line for food and you used to stick your foot out to trip him when he was playing tag with his siblings. 

but then, he returned from his quest. at first, you felt bad for him. he came back unable to complete it, and he was permanently scarred from it. it must’ve been difficult to have that constant reminder. after a few months, though, when his scar was almost fully healed, the whispers about how attractive luke castellan was started. luke closed himself off after his quest and spent his time doing extra training. you could lie and say that all the extra workouts didn’t do wonders for him, but nobody would believe you anyway. 

in short, luke castellan got hot. he was no longer the pesky little boy you bantered with. he got taller, broader, and dirtier. you weren’t dumb, you knew the innuendos that he would throw at you. you were in the same sex ed class as he was in. (side note: mr. d teaching teenagers about sex ed was your own personal version of hell. tartarus be damned.) somehow, luke turned into a teenage heartthrob at camp and all of a sudden, all the girls were throwing themselves at him. it made you sick, but what made you more sick, was that you understood why. 

ever since luke’s confidence skyrocketed and he leaned into his bad boy persona, there was a different charge in your banter; as if instead of trying to push your buttons, now, he was trying to get you under him. from blowing his cigarette smoke directly into your direction to all his dirty comments, luke castellan was acting like he wanted you. and surprisingly, you didn’t stop him. 

“can y’all just fuck already?” you spun around to find clarisse leaning against a tree, her spear mounted on the floor. she had a teasing smile on her lips, “maybe once you hate-fuck, you guys will get it out your systems.” 

“ew, castellan?” you sneered. your nose scrunched up in disgust, though your stomach churned at the thought of it. “never in a million years.” 

“dude, the sexual tension between you guys is insane,” she shrugged, walking over to you. “come on, sis, you can’t pretend like you don’t feel it.” 

“i feel a lot of things for luke castellan, but wanting to fuck him is not one of them.” 

you’re a liar. you knew that. clarisse knew that. but you’re thankful that your sister didn’t call you out on your bullshit. 

she laughed, “whatever you say. now, ready to train me?” 

you spun your sword around expertly, “always.” 

this week’s game of capture the flag was eventful. you lost, much to your dismay, but the results of the game were overshadowed by poseidon claiming percy as his kid. the subject of forbidden kids were a touchy subject, for obvious reasons, but you knew that it was especially hard for luke. you didn’t know thalia well, but with how often annabeth talked about her, you felt like you knew her. 

luke never talked about thalia, though. you figured it was because it was too painful for him to think about. he knew her longer than annabeth did and his memories of her were much more vivid than the young girl’s. with percy being poseidon’s kid, you knew that it was bound to bring up some unwanted memories for the hermes counselor. but what shocked you was seeing luke sitting with his siblings at the campfire instead of being surrounded by fawning girls like he usually was. whenever his team won, he would bask in the glory of the win, shotgunning smoke into the mouth of whoever was closest to him before disappearing for a bit only to come back with marks all over his neck. 

but tonight, he was sitting next to chris, a beer can in his hand, staring directly at you. the red cup in your hand filled with mysterious liquor was cold to the touch. clarisse was trying to hide the smile on her face as she watched you and luke lock eyes. she mumbled a fake excuse, running away to leave you alone while she tried to find silena. luke chugged the rest of his beer before crushing the can in his hand and walking over to you. 

you stood your ground, feet planted on the floor, with your arms folded across your chest. “no celebration tonight castellan?” 

“not unless you want to celebrate with me,” he replied. 

“shut the fuck up,” you sighed. 

luke watched as your arms pushed your tits up your chest. he couldn’t stop himself from biting his lip, watching your chest rise and fall as you took your breaths. he was almost tempted to burn his toast tomorrow morning just to thank the gods that you decided to wear a low-cut shirt tonight. your camp necklace was resting on top of your tits and he wanted to reach over and count the beads on your necklace. four, just one less than he has. 

“i love that you’re a sore loser,” he said, pulling out the cigarette that was tucked behind his ear. “makes it so easy to mess with you.” 

“‘m not a sore loser,” you argued, absentmindedly pulling out the lighter in your pocket. 

he was surprised by your actions. he knew you smoked, but you’d never smoked with him before. he pulled out a cigarette for you which you gladly took. you lit yours first then leaned over for him to light his own. luke shook his head, bringing up his index finger for you to come closer. he lit his cigarette with the burning end of yours, humming in appreciation when the nicotine hit his senses. 

“you are,” he blew out the smoke, “but it’s adorable.” 

“flirting with me isn’t gonna get you very far, castellan. you should know this by now.” 

“what, you want me to be mean to you?” luke said it teasingly, but then he saw your shoulders freeze for a millisecond. he chuckled, darkly, voice dropping an octave when he spoke again. “holy shit, you’re into that.” 

“none of your fucking business,” you shook your head, thankful that you had at least one substance already in your system to keep you from turning red. 

“it’s hot, y/n, own it,” he shrugged his shoulders, turning a bit to face the rest of the campers. all of the younger kids were off in their own world. they knew better than to hang out with the older kids at these things. he had a cocky smile on his face when he turned to you again, “i can be mean, if you want, y’know. just say the word.” 

you downed the drink, needing some sort of liquid courage if you were going to keep this conversation going. clarisse and silena were watching you and luke a few feet away and you can tell by their faces that they weren’t going to come save you from the conversation even if you begged them to. “that kind defeats the purpose, no?” 

“what do you mean?” 

you wiped the drop of liquor away from the corner of your lips, “having to ask you to be mean. you should just be mean without me asking.” 

luke’s eyes darkened. sure, he flirted with you, but you never kept up with him before. you usually tell him to fuck off and walk away, leaving him with a head full of images of your red, embarrassed face, to keep him occupied at night. “noted.” 

you shoved the empty cup into his chest, taking a puff out of your cigarette before walking away, “no need to take notes, castellan. i know you’re all talk anyway.” 

iii. 'cause i'm heartless and i'm back to my ways 'cause i'm heartless.

luke was pissed. you can tell by the way his shoulders were tense. you just disarmed him during practice, the tip of your sword resting comfortably under his jaw. the title was yours again. 

“say you surrender,” you taunted, pushing the sword just a little deeper on his skin, but not enough to cause any damage, “say you surrender and i’ll let you leave with some dignity.” 

“this doesn’t count,” he replied, tongue poking the inside of his cheek. “i was distracted.” 

and he was. you took your shirt off, leaving you in a sports bra, at around the third sparring session. the sun was beating down harshly on the both of you and the lack of a breeze in the air didn’t help. your chest was glistening with sweat and you were breathing heavily. luke took his eyes away from your moves for a second to look at your figure and you took advantage of it. 

“no excuses, castellan,” you lifted his face up with your sword, “surrender.” 

“fine,” he relented. he got up from his knees when you removed the sword from his jaw, “i surrender.” 

“good.” you twirled your sword in your hand, walking away from him to grab a sip of water. your back was turned and luke couldn’t help but let his eyes trail down the curve of your spine. your muscles were defined, no doubt due to the hours of sparring you just did, and your hair cascaded perfectly down when you pulled it out of the ponytail you had it in. he wanted to wrap it around his fist and pull it. 

“fuck,” he groaned, trying to push down his hardening cock in his cargo pants. the action didn’t do anything to help. it was no use. 

“what was that?” you tossed the bottle of water on the ground as you turned to face him. your eyes widened as you took in the image in front of you. luke was staring at you, lips slightly parted, hair in disarray as if he just ran his hand through it, and his pants were tight around his dick. “luke…” 

fuck it, he thought. 

“shut up.” 

luke marched over to you, grabbing your face with a force that knocked you off balance. it was disorienting feeling his lips hungrily over yours because it felt so damn good. his hands migrated from your face down to your ass, gripping it and massaging the flesh so he could push you closer to him. you could feel his hard cock poking against your skin and you moaned at the feeling. luke wanted to bottle the sound so he could listen to it whenever he wanted to. 

he pushed you against a tree, grinding his aching hips against yours. he could feel your wetness growing against his pants. he pulled away from your lips, turning your face to the side to give himself access to your neck. he licked a stripe up your jugular, mixing his saliva with the sweat on your skin. he started his attack on your neck, nipping, sucking, licking, everywhere he could. you couldn’t help but whimper at his actions. 

against your better judgment, you pulled him away by threading your fingers through his curls. his eyes were closed, mouth agape when he knocked his forehead against yours. you tugged on the hair by the nape of his neck, “you’re not fucking me, luke.” 

“fuck, okay,” he breathed out. he was horny, but he respected your wishes. 

“not today,” you placed a chaste kiss on his lips before pulling away. his lips followed yours, but you tutted, “but you can watch me if you let me watch you.” 

“yes,” his eyes snapped open, moving away from you to give you space. 

“come here,” you walked away from him, motioning him to come to the patch of grass secluded from the training area. he followed you, hissing as he tried to adjust himself in his pants. you lay on the grass, propping yourself up on your elbows. your hand slowly trailed down to your pants before you dipped your finger inside your underwear. your back arched as you felt how wet you were from the earlier interaction with luke. 

luke sat at your feet, undoing his pants. he pulled out his cock; red, dripping, and angry. he felt his confidence rise when you moaned at the sight of it. his veiny hand was wrapped at the base of his cock, slowly pumping. his voice was broken as he spoke, “let me see you.” 

for a moment, you were vulnerable, hesitating to expose everything to him. but luke’s face showed nothing but desire and you melted under his gaze. you shimmied out of your pants, tossing them somewhere near, before opening your legs for him to see you. your fingers pulled apart your folds, showing him your slick-covered pussy. 

“prettiest fucking pussy in the world,” he groaned, watching as you circled your clit. “fucking perfect, y/n.” 

his words spurred you on. you dipped two fingers inside, mewling at the stretch. luke flicked the tip of his dick, moaning at how your fingers disappeared as you pumped them inside you. he can hear your wetness loud and clear and he wanted nothing more than to slurp it up with his tongue, but he can be patient. this can be enough for now. 

his hand moved faster on his dick, the muscles on his arm tensing with each stroke. he watched as you threw your head back in pleasure, admiring the marks he left on your skin. a feeling of possessiveness bloomed in his chest knowing that he marked you. 

“want a taste?” 

luke nodded, crawling over to your outstretched fingers while still pumping his cock. his lips hollowed to suck off your juices from your fingers, eyes closing at the sweet taste. his tongue danced between your fingers, licking them clean. you watched in awe as he hungrily sucked off your fingers. there were beads of sweat trickling down the edge of his face, his curls were sticky on his forehead, and there was a look of pure bliss on his features. 

“so sweet,” he whispered, letting your fingers go with a pop. “fuck, y/n.” 

“luke,” you panted, continuing to get yourself off. “i’m close.” 

“give it to me,” he said. his voice was nearly gone. “need it.” 

there was something about luke castellan begging you to cum for him that made your head spin. you came, hard, all over your fingers while he watched you come undone. the image of you cumming, the whisper of his name leaving your lips, was going to be burned into his memory forever. 

“i’m coming,” luke groaned, the veins in his neck popping out as he gritted his teeth. “open up.” 

you moved closer to him, leaning down with your tongue out for him. he pumped his cock until white spurts covered your pink, patient tongue. he wanted to take a picture of you right now for later. eyes closed, makeup on your face ruined, hickeys on your neck on full display while his cum coated your tongue. you were a wet dream come to life. 

luke gripped blades of grass with his other hand, trying to steady himself as he watched you swallow his load. when you opened your eyes, you opened your mouth to show him you didn’t waste a drop, and luke couldn’t do anything else but kiss you to show his appreciation. 

you had avoided luke after your training session. you didn’t know what got into you doing that with him, but one thing was for sure, the tension didn’t disappear after it. it just got worse. 

everywhere you went, you felt his eyes following your every move. he would stare at you, eyes narrowed, during classes or during meals. but he never did anything. 

until he lost at capture the flag. you skipped the celebration, opting to stay alone in the ares cabin to avoid running into luke. the whole situation left you with so many questions that you were afraid to get the answer to. you fucked yourself in front of luke. and you liked it. there hasn’t been a day since when you didn’t think about his cock and how it would feel inside of you. it was getting pitiful how often you got off thinking about him. his sounds, his face when he came, his taste. everything. 

you were getting ready for bed when you heard the door of the ares cabin slam open. you turned your head, eyes widening, when you saw luke walking towards you, kicking the door shut. he didn’t break eye contact with you as he reached the foot of your bed. 

he licked his lips, “you’re avoiding me.” 

“i’m not,” you lied, tugging your blanket up to cover yourself. “was just too tired to celebrate.” 

“bullshit,” he ripped the blanket away from your body, “you want mean, right? i can give you mean.” 

you pushed your thighs together, making him smirk.

luke got on your bed, his knees on either side of you. he pushed his head into the crook of your neck, leaving rough kisses on your skin. your hands flew up to his hair, pulling softly, “my pretty girl won’t betray me.” 

it took you a minute to realize that he wasn’t talking about you. his fingers rubbed on your clit over your pajama shorts, making you arch into him. you whimpered, “luke, please.” 

“nuh uh,” he pulled away from your neck, “you don’t get to say please, anymore. you’re gonna take my dick until i’m done.” 

luke connected your lips. his lips were relentless against yours, tongue forcing its way into your mouth. he groaned at the feeling of your hand reaching down to palm him. he grinded his hips into your hand, lips sloppily crashing against yours. luke put all his weight on one arm, using the other one to lightly wrap his fingers around your throat. he did an experimental squeeze, growing harder when you moaned in pleasure at the pressure. 

clothes were flying off both of your bodies after that. your pants drowned out the faint hum of the campers away at the campfire. luke pulled away from your lips, marking your neck again. the hickeys he left you were already fading and he hated not seeing the remnants of his time with you on your skin. he trailed the hickeys down your body, spending extra time on your plush thighs. he pried your legs open, sighing in content when your pussy welcomed his thick fingers. 

he pressed his tongue against your folds, closing his eyes at the sounds of pleasure that left your lips. his lips wrapped around your bud, sucking, until you were lifting your hips up. he placed an arm across your stomach, pressing down on you to keep you still. from where you were lying, you could only see his eyes. his eyes were boring into yours, watching your reaction to learn what you liked. when his tongue darted inside of you, touching that spongy part, your face contorted in unparalleled pressure and luke knew that he needed to keep hitting that spot. 

you were a mess under him. you’ve never came before unless it was your own doing, but you were dangerously close to the edge with how luke was eating your pussy. he was determined to have your wetness coat his tongue. he’d been dreaming of tasting you since you last let him. he’d been craving it. 

when your thighs pressed against the side of his head, he knew it was coming. he used his thumb to draw figure eights on your clit. you came with a cry, his name repeating off your lips like a mantra, like a prayer. 

luke pulled away from your pussy, wiping the wetness on his chin away with his forearm. he pumped his cock in his hand a few times, hissing at the pain of it being forgotten. 

“luke,” you said, voice barely above a whisper. you clung onto him like a lifeline. “give me a second.” 

he took in your state. all fucked out just from his tongue. his jaw ticked, “been givin’ you space for days, don’t think you deserve any more.”

“fuck!” you cried as his dick entered you. luke had to shut his eyes to keep himself from cumming. your pussy was so tight and so wet and so greedy for his cock. he pushed all the way in, stopping for a moment to catch his breath. 

“perfect fucking pussy, like i said,” luke’s voice was hoarse as he thrusted into you. his hand grabbed one of your tits, flicking the hardened bud with his fingers. he continued to snap his hips into you as he leaned down to your ear, “been thinking about fucking you dumb with my cock.” 

“been-ah- thinking about it too,” you admitted, cheeks growing red at his words. you were clawing at his back, no doubt leaving marks, “been touching myself thinking about you.” 

“looks like you’re the one who’s all talk, y/n,” he was going faster now, reveling in the sounds that your connected bodies were making with each push of his cock. reminders of your first orgasm were all over his base. “made me watch you fuck your perfect pussy, then-fuck- avoiding me.” 

“didn’t think you were serious with your words.” 

luke pulled out of you completely. you got a good look at him for the first time. his nostrils were flared, chest heaving as he pumped his cock in his hand. he made a noise, “seems like i’m not doing my job right.” 

you reached out for him, pussy tightening around nothing, “huh?” 

“you’re still being smart,” luke grabbed your hips then and turned you around. you arched your back for him, giving him a view of your ass. he rubbed his hands over the flesh, slapping it. he pushed your head down on your pillow, wrapping your messy hair around his fist. he leaned over to whisper in your ear, “told you, i wanted to fuck you dumb on my cock.” 

he thrusted into you with fervor, skin slapping as he took you from behind. luke watched as your ass bounced sinfully against him as he pushed his cock deeper into you. with this angle, he can can push into you more easily. he was on his knees, holding your hips flush against his body. the sounds you were making as his cock found your pussy were delicious. 

you were incoherent then, mumbling into your pillow, begging for him to keep going. luke wasn’t planning on stopping anytime soon. when your second orgasm of the night came crashing down, you screamed luke’s name loudly. 

he came inside you, ropes of milky cum coating your gummy walls. he collapsed on top of you, breathing heavily as he moved your hair away to place kisses on your back. 

when you both got dressed, luke left a lingering kiss on your raw lips. he left one last hickey on the side of your jaw, “training. tomorrow. don’t be late.” 

[sky-is-the-limit]

P: Phillip Graves x 141!F!Reader

TW: CNC (kinda?), Breeding kink (kinda?)

WC: 979 words

Summary: The Shadows captured you during the 'Alone' mission and Graves just can't resist a pretty soldier like yourself, wink wink 🫶

Phillip Graves loomed over you, his taunting words slicing through the thick haze of your mind while his breath, heavy and tainted with the scent of tobacco, fanned across your face when he leaned closer.

"What would your dear Captain say if he could see you like this, hm?" He mocked with cruel amusement.

The table creaked beneath you, protesting the relentless force of his thrusts. Each brutal stroke sent a wave of heat crashing through your body, the obscene slap of skin on skin filling the air, the sound embarrassingly loud in the otherwise silent space across the illegally occupied base.

You were unraveling, each movement making you crack further, your voice reduced to a litany of breathless whimpers and filthy swears.

Every shred of dignity you had was gone, replaced by the raw, animalistic need he had ignited in you.

You were a traitor. First to your team, then to your Captain and now to yourself. Being captured by the Shadows had been out of your control but this? This dark, twisted pleasure that you found in Graves’ midnight visits? This was your fault. Entirely.

Every time he cornered you, pressing you against the cold walls of your cell, you spat venom at him, swore that you hated him, that you didn’t want his touch. But he always laughed, a low, humiliating reminder of your position before forcing you to face the reality.

The truth that, deep down, in the wicked, most corrupted corners of your being, you wanted this. Ever since he was assigned to assist the task force with El Sin Nombre, he was all you could think about.

Graves thrusted into you again, his brutal pace driving you to the edge, making your body betray you even more as you whimpered and pleaded beneath him with fists clenching at the air, desperate for something to hold onto.

"Maybe I should record you looking like a fucking mess and send it to the asshole-" The older man threatened, his grip tightening on your jaw as he pulled out, the wet sound echoing in the room before slamming back into you, filling you completely.

Your toes curled, ankles trembling as they squeezed around his thighs, his broad, drenched in sweat chest a searing sun against your own. He was immovable, relentless, and it felt like he would go on forever, leaving you with no hope of restoring whatever was left of the person you were before that damned mission in Mexico.

"You love it when I'm using your pretty little cunt, don't you?" He sneered, thick with arrogance. "You love big, bad Commander Graves corrupting every single part of you—fucking hell, look at you.''

You couldn’t deny it, not when your body reacted to his every word, tensing up in response even as you shook your head, tears spilling down your cheeks.

He pushed deeper, harder, his cock brushing against your cervix with each punishing slap. It was heaven and hell, twisted together in the only way Graves knew how to give. Too much and not enough, all at once.

All you could feel was him, every inch of him stretching you out, grazing those most sensitive spots that had you teetering on the edge of delirium.

He was so thick, each slam driving you closer and closer to the brink and your cries only seemed to spur him on, his pace quickening as he pushed with such force that the wooden surface was promised to create lines against the wall behind.

"I'm gonna ruin you, sweetheart." Graves declared, pride drowning in each syllable as his Southern drawl growed heavier with each word.

The promise in his tone made your breath hitch, your heart pounding in your chest as the implication of his words sank in and you knew he meant it, it was sharply defined in the blue fire of his gaze.

"I'm gonna cum inside you, again and again, until you're ruined for anyone else."

The very idea of it, of being marked, claimed, and consumed by him entirely, sent you into a spiral before your arms instinctively tightened around his neck, pulling him closer as if to brace yourself for what was to come.

Naturally, Graves took it as a challenge, a sign to plunge into you even further and your mind went numb, completely overtaken by the sensation and your hips began moving on their own, desperately meeting his ruthless assaults against them.

For a moment, he paused, savoring the way your body reacted to him before his hands moved to the back of your knees, lifting them to rest on his broad shoulders. The new angle had you gasping, the stretch so deep, so overwhelming, that it felt like he was splitting you in two.

Phillip didn’t hold back, he mounted you completely, his toned body towering over you as he began fucking you with a frantic, almost feral intensity.

The surface beneath you made a sound that resonated with you, a loud warning that it would break. You could feel yourself falling apart, every muscle in your body tightening as he pushed you further and further into a state of utter submission and humiliation in the filthy, cold cell.

"You're gonna carry me with you until your last fucking day." The Commander spat out with a sinister smirk, his hips snapping against yours with such precision that sent you over the edge, your body responding with a raw, uncontrollable spasm that made your vision white.

You were his, completely and utterly and there was no escaping the hold he had over you.

[ohdorothea]

This tournament is being run by and for queer fans so please keep that in mind! Homophobes will be blocked on sight <3 More polls here and more info here! Lyrics for the songs and FAQ under the cut!!!

Hits Different lyrics I washed my hands of us at the club

You made a mess of me

I pictured you with other girls in love

Then threw up on the street

Like waiting for a bus that never shows

You just start walkin' on

They say that if it's right, you know

Each bar plays our song

Nothing has ever felt so wrong

Oh, my, love is a lie

Shit my friends say to get me by

It hits different

It hits different this time

Catastrophic blues

Movin' on was always easy for me to do

It hits different

It hits different 'cause it's you

('Cause it's you)

I used to switch out these Kens, I'd just ghost

Rip the band-aid off and skip town like an asshole outlaw

Freedom felt like summer then on the coast

Now the sun burns my heart and the sand hurts my feelings

And I never don't cry (And I never don't cry) at the bar

Yeah, my sadness is contagious (My sadness is contagious)

I slur your name 'til someone puts me in a car

I stopped receiving invitations

Oh, my, love is a lie

Shit my friends say to get me by

It hits different

It hits different this time

Catastrophic blues

Movin' on was always easy for me to do

It hits different

It hits different 'cause it's you

('Cause it's you)

I find the artifacts, cried over a hat

Cursed the space that I needed

I trace the evidence, make it make some sense

Why the wound is still bleedin'

You were the one that I loved

Don't need another metaphor, it's simple enough

A wrinkle in time like the crease by your eyes

This is why they shouldn't kill off the main guy

Dreams of your hair and your stare and sense of belief

In the good in the world, you once believed in me

And I felt you and I held you for a while

Bet I could still melt your world

Argumentative, antithetical dream girl

I heard your key turn in the door down the hallway

Is that your key in the door?

Is it okay? Is it you?

Or have they come to take me away?

To take me away

Oh, my, love is a lie

Shit my friends say to get me by

It hits different (It hits different)

It hits different this time

Catastrophic blues

Movin' on was always easy for me to do

It hits different (It hits different)

It hits different 'cause it's you

Oh, my, love is a lie

Shit my friends say to get me by

'Cause it's you

Catastrophic blues

Movin' on was always easy for me to do

It hits different (Yeah)

It hits different 'cause it's you

🫶🫶🫶

Lavender Haze lyrics

Meet me at midnight

Ooh ooh ooh whoa

Staring at the ceiling with you

Oh, you don't ever say too much

And you don't really read into

My melancholia

I've been under scrutiny (Yeah, oh yeah)

You handle it beautifully (Yeah, oh yeah)

All this shit is new to me (Yeah, oh yeah)

I feel the lavender haze creeping up on me

Surreal

I'm damned if I do give a damn what people say

No deal

The 1950s' shit they want from me

I just wanna stay in that lavender haze

Ooh ooh ooh whoa

All they keep asking me

(All they keep asking me)

Is if I'm gonna be your bride

The only kinda girl they see

(Only kinda girl they see)

Is a one-night or a wife

I find it dizzying (Yeah, oh yeah)

They're bringing up my history (Yeah, oh yeah)

But you weren't even listening (Yeah, oh yeah)

I feel the lavender haze creeping up on me

Surreal

I'm damned if I do give a damn what people say

No deal

The 1950s' shit they want from me

I just wanna stay in that lavender haze

That lavender haze

Talk your talk and go viral

I just need this love spiral

Get it off your chest

Get it off my desk

(Get it off my desk)

Talk your talk and go viral

I just need this love spiral

Get it off your chest

Get it off my desk

I feel (I feel) the lavender haze creeping up on me

Surreal

I'm damned if I do give a damn what people say

No deal (No deal)

The 1950s' shit they want from me

I just wanna stay in that lavender haze

Ooh ooh ooh whoa

Get it off your chest

Get it off my desk

That lavender haze

I just wanna stay

I just wanna stay in that lavender haze

🫶🫶🫶

The question is which song is queerer to you! Queerer can mean whatever you want it to mean; you might consider a song queer because you think it was written that way, or because of Swiftian lore. It might be queer to you because of how you relate it to your own life. Maybe you think from a purely literary standpoint the lyrics have queer themes; maybe you're just thinking about vibes!!!

Put in the tags your interpretations or propaganda for a specific song! Tags will be used to decide what songs may be saved if there are extra slots in the next round!

[waynes-multiverse]

Drunk and/or high sex? W/ Dean or Jensen 😇🙏🏼

A/N: Picked Jensen for this since I already had a bunch of Dean requests! I imagined New Orleans in summer for this and thought the "love drug" was quite fitting. It was kinda inspired by the story of how Alison Brie started things with Dave Franco, which she told in a recent interview. Thought that was hilarious, so of course I had to use it. Hope you enjoy! 💜

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Female!Reader

Warnings: +18/NSFW, drinking & drugs (weed & mdma), flangst, smut (thigh riding, p in v)

Word Count: 1.4k (I'm really trying here lol)

Main Masterlist || Dirty Drabbles Masterlist

Lavender Haze

There’s a visible haze flowing through the room, a midnight blue veil with particles of shimmering glitter in between that glistens like the night sky outside the French window. It feels surreal, like the fabric of the stars itself is blanketing you, enveloping your entire being as his plump lips touch every inch of your skin, ignite it as he worships your body. The entire universe is suddenly in your room.

The air smells of sweat, a mixture of drinks lingering on your breaths, and the damp summer heat that filters in through the open window despite the cool night air. You can’t remember how you got back to your hotel; too many shots have been downed tonight to care. Did you take a cab? Did you walk the busy streets till you landed back here? All of the above?

All you remember is the laughs, the music, the drinks, and the joint you shared with a friend in a dark alley. You never thought in your wildest dreams you’d land here – with him. More drinks flowed, his irresistible smile blinded you, and a few clumsy touches of his hands on places where he had never touched you before kindled your heart and soul. He was a kid playing with matches, too stupid, too innocent to know what he was doing, what dangerous game he started to play, and you were drunk enough to set both your bodies ablaze without wasting a second thought on it.

It was a harmless text from your friend that started this whole mess: Jensen – I think you should hit that tonight. Of course, your blurry mind thought it was a glorious idea. After all, you had wanted this, wanted him for a long time now.

You never thought he’d say yes, but if you were honest with yourself, you were always scared to ask in case he did agree to your insanity, knowing you weren’t good enough, knowing you’d only ruin it, knowing you could never dream this big. Maybe that’s why you posed the most outlandish question you could think of, hoping with certainty he’d deny your request and gently turn you down.

“I have a Molly… Wanna split it and have some fun in my hotel room?”

It wasn’t like him to agree to something like this. Maybe you’ve always been a bad influence on him, but you were still majorly surprised when he didn’t even blink. He just smirked at you and nodded like it was the million-dollar question he’d been waiting for.

And yes, maybe you knew he wanted you just the same, knew he harbored a crush on you for years, knew he craved the same things you craved. It’s been written in the stars since the two of you met and caught each other’s eyes for the very first time. But call it Southern gentlemanliness or whatever, in all these years, he never made a single move – not obvious ones, at least. True to form, he was never pushy, always waiting for your pull. And God, once you handed him that rope, he lassoed you like the coolest cowboy and tied you up good.

When your back hits the door, your lungs are barely able to catch a breath as Jensen is on you the second you enter the hotel room, scared if he gave you any wriggle room, you’d leave, even though you’d never dream of it. His ample lips find yours first, claiming you in a bruising kiss that leaves you speechless. You’ve kissed before, sharing the odd professional movie kisses between your characters on a set with an audience, but this kiss is entirely different.

Real. Raw. Breathtaking.

Then, his sinful lips trail down your jaw, find your throat, and mark your pulse point purple, green, and blue. His addicting hands have been on you nonstop since you each downed that little love drug with a bottle of water. It started with minute touches – his large palm on the small of your back when he guided you out of the bar, his warm hand on your knee in the back of the cab, his fingertips trailing up and down your spine in the elevator, and by the time, you’ve unlocked the door, he was ready to downright bounce on you. He loves touching you, loves to feel your skin ignite like a chemical reaction underneath his fingertips whenever the two connect.

His aura is emerald – soft, lush, and full of hope. Relaxing. Safe.

Yours is lavender – mysterious, sensitive, and full of passion. Inspiring. Chaotic.

With every touch and every kiss, his aura intoxicates yours, infecting every vein in your body until each drop of blood feels fused to his. A haze of green and purple, inseparable by the end. It’s surreal in the best way.

The tips of your fingers tingle whenever they smooth over an inch of cinnamon-freckled skin. He’s hot to the touch, his warmth swaddling you like a snuggly blanket that feels like childhood memories and home. You never want to let go. This feeling should last forever. The strong heartbeat behind his ribs tells you he feels the same.

His knee sneaks between your legs as his hand crawls inside your panties and finds an ocean waiting for him there. His groans reverberate against your skin, your throat, your chest as you needily seek more friction on his thigh, grinding your clothed cunt against the rough denim fabric as his thick thumb strokes your clit.

“God, this is so hot… you’re so hot,” he murmurs against your neck, his free hand pushing parts of your shirt and bra down to grope one breast, pinching the nipple between his fingertips until it hardens. “Wanted this for so long… So, so long…”

“Me too,” you whisper breathlessly, your cloudy brain torn between an orgasm and a love confession.

His attacks on your tit and cunt seize and still, his head slowly rising as he finds your gaze. The look in his eyes is overflowing with surprise, desire, and hope, showing a longing that’s finally sated. The hand on your breast leaves its place and cups your cheek, caressing it with gentle care.

“Yeah?”

A smile twitches on your lips as you nuzzle your nose against his and nod. “Yeah,” you admit your secret. “Of course, it is. All I need is you. I just wanna stay here forever with you.”

Jensen’s lips curl into a smile, one that hides something behind it you can’t decipher. “Good,” he says and entangles you in a kiss so deep it leaves you breathless once more as he sucks the air from your lungs while you start to think that this might be the sweetest death you could’ve ever imagined.

His hands grab your thighs, lift you up until your legs wrap around his waist. His full-grown erection presses against your pussy as you grab and bite and hold onto whatever of him you can get between your hands and mouth. Clothing items drop in haste, not sure who removes what from where, but you’re positive your lips part as he enters you in one thrust until his long, thick cock is fully sheathed by your heat, stretching your walls like no one ever has before. The delicious burn, the pleasurable sting between your thighs is a new feeling you could find yourself growing quite addicted to.

“Shit, ’m sorry…,” he mumbles into the crook of your neck at his eagerness and apologizes for his temporary loss of control, which you find quite flattering as his cock throbs inside of you while his fingers gently caress your head and comb through your hair to soothe the bits of pain you feel. “I love you,” he whispers softly against your lips and claims them in the same breath.

You smile shyly, happiness wrangling with sadness inside your heart. “It’s the drugs,” you tell him and excuse his irrational behavior, having been through this circle a few times before.

However, he shakes his head with all the stubbornness he can gather and cups your cheek, thumb caringly brushing over its rosy apple. “No, it’s you, sweetheart. Promise,” he assures you.

With a thick swallow, you nod and drop a tear on his thumb pad. “Okay… I love you, too,” you accept and cry out as he pushes back inside and never stops again.

Considering the other drabbles I did up till now and the nature of this request, this turned out oddly romantic and sweet *pats self on back* 🥰

Tag Lists:

Everything J: @extraterrestriali @this-is-me19 @writercole @awkward-and-indecisive @eevvvaa @panicking-outside-the-disco @globetrotter28 @imherefordeanandbones @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior @xlynnbbyx @jassackles @maggiegirl17 @perpetualabsurdity @deans-spinster-witch @deandreamernp @foxyjwls007 @roseblue373 @lyarr24 @deanwanddamons @deanwithscissors @mrsjenniferwinchester @justrealizedimmascifygurl @akshi8278 @flamencodiva @chriszgirl92 @wittyboldsoul @djs8891 @leigh70 @snowlovespie @b3autyfuldisast3r @ladysparkles78 @muhahaha303 @mimaria420 @creepzeyecandy @iamsapphine

[taylortruther]

is it still unpopular opinion time?

- chloe et al is a beautifully written song, but the production is SO boring. like give it some life or something. someone on TikTok made a mashup of the song with cowboy like me, which isn’t exactly sonically exciting either, but it made a world of a difference. the lyrics are stunning, though.

- I think it’s pretty easy to tell who each song on ttpd is about. loml and peter are the only ones that feel mixed to me (other than fots, fortnight, and gas, which explicitly mention two different people). other than that I don’t really see a ton of the mixed muse thing. the relationships are similar, which makes it confusing, but there’s still a tonal difference between something like so long london and down bad to me.

- imgonnagetyouback would also benefit from livelier production. I also really don’t love the chorus even though the song is otherwise great lyrically

- I think ttpd doesn’t have as many clear standouts as her previous albums. they’re there, but I don’t see anything like yoyok or wcs that takes her songwriting to a new level. that said, I think one of the most impressive qualities of the album is just how consistent it is in quality. it’s very hard to make a 31-song album where every single one is well-written.

- idk if this is an unpopular opinion, but I had to say it. one of my favorite things about ttpd is actually the fact that she’s soooo affected by everything. like she’s on top of the world, she feels untouchable, and yet she is still unashamed to tell us just how much these two men broke her down. that’s pretty admirable imo. also, her relationship with fame affected her a lot differently than I originally thought. midnights paints a much simpler picture of that than ttpd does imo

i agree that cososom, while lyrically super interesting, is sonically... flat. it makes sense to me why that song was given more "bonus track" treatment.

i agree even if it causes a stir. like, joe is the cause, matty is the effect, but i do think she wrote several of them with a specific person in mind as you said.

i love imgonnagetyouback but i wish it had more of a traditional big chorus! much like lavender haze, i kinda wish someone would release a really good poppy remix that gives us that. it reminds me of the archer, in a way, that i feel like i'm just waiting for the sonic payoff. but it made sense in the archer, not sure why it's like that in this one.

i agree. i'm not sure which ones will have a lot of longevity with the fandom except the manuscript.

i would LOVE for you to speak more about your thoughts on how she was affected by fame!

[kylieswift31]

The pair-ent trap part 3

Lover vs midnights ending 🩷💙

In part one and two of the pair-ent trap series I highlighted how Taylor Swift’s albums have pairs, as well as larger groupings, that contribute to a larger story seen throughout her discography. All of this was laying the groundwork to be able to see the same pattern playing out within her music videos. And the parent trap is the key to understanding this concept.

The sequel

The 1998 version of the parent trap is a remake of the original 1961 version featuring Sharon and Susan. This movie also had a sequel based on Sharon's daughter Nikki and her best friend Mary.

The sequel begins with Nikki and Mary trying to make their homework easier by helping each other with their reading.

"What if we each read half a book? You can read the first part and I'll read the second. And then we can get together and tell each other what happens!"

Nikki and Mary's plan backfires when their nemesis Jessica tattles on them to the teacher, who then quizzes them on their knowledge of the book to expose their plan. The story continues to unfold from this point, but it's this concept of dividing a story up into two that intrigued me.

Music video parallels

It feels like Taylor has done the same thing with giving half of the story to the lover era and the other half of the story to the midnights era. One tells the story of the Inner Taylor and the other tells the story of Taylor™. Looking at all of the music videos for both eras at once is helpful to see the bigger picture.

Look here (abc) for part 1 ☝🏼

And look here (xyz) for part 2 ✌🏼

But don’t look here (a-z) for part 1 & 2 🤞🏼

I had initially planned on going into detail about how all of these music videos connect to the Truman show, but I kept running into roadblocks and I have other posts I would prefer to prioritise instead.

All I'll say on that topic is that the midnights music videos tell the story of Taylor's version of the Truman show and the lover music videos is the equivalent of Taylor showing us what's inside her heart.

The midnights era 💙

Lavender haze

Despite the queer associations with this song, the overall vibe of the music video feels pessimistic, secluded and hidden from view. It doesn't feel sustainable long term to live like this.

Anti hero

This music video is a continuation of the lavender haze music video, just with more versions of Taylor. This feels like a potential ending for the fans who only want a specific version of Taylor.

Bejewelled

The main focus for the midnights music videos is reclaiming Taylor's previous work. This is also where we see that continuing to perform is also a priority. I can't help but wonder if this is the ending for those who have only wanted reputation tv without paying attention to everything else that's unfolded in the process.

Karma

It feels like we're reaching the point where we'll be faced with an ultimatum between maroon and you're on your own kid. This also represents the progress that can be made with small changes over time, al La the tortoise and the hare.

The lover era 🩷

Lover

I know the male partners with a beard have a negative connotation for some, but the way he joins her in the attic suggests otherwise. This is someone Taylor feels comfortable with and most likely represents the inner version of herself.

The man

The biggest takeaway from this music video is the things that wouldn't change if Taylor was the man. Both acting as the director of her performance art story and adding in a mixture of male and female pronouns. She's hinted at this with the W in MMwM.

You need to calm down

This music video is the alternative option to "the only kinda girl they see is a one night or a wife". Taylor is walking away from the mess she created by burning it all down without a thought for the consequences as she chooses her own happiness.

Me!

I wouldn't be surprised if we continue to see a slow unravelling as the eras tour comes to a close, but the ending of the Me! music video is exactly what I'm picturing when I think of Taylor ending the eras tour with a bang.

There are so many similarities between the scenes in the lover era and midnights era music videos. Separately they feel like different stages of Taylor’s career. But together it feels like a choice between fantasy and reality. In the end only one ending is possible.

Adding Me! to the set list this late in the eras tour would also have a much greater impact now compared to if had been included all along. 🌈

A tortured poet,

Kylie x

[narrators-journal]

Just a dream

I’m still on a bit of that horror train, so I took a bit of a softer idea I’ve been chewing on for a bit and decided to flex my descriptive muscles. That’s it. Is this super fucking clear? Probably not. But I hope it’s at least descriptive, and effective in painting the picture I want.

I also wanted to explore a bit more of a dark take on my usual writing energy? Idk, kinda hard to explain. I just wanted to write something that crossed wires in a way.

CW: Beware! There be attempted gore ahead! There’s also a bit of a sexual energy, dipping slightly into Ryoji’s darker tastes. Maybe this counts as a hint of Ero Guro? Not super heavy on the Ero tho, it’s just there. The biggest warning is for there being gore.

Minato squirmed beneath Ryoji’s touch, his back arched into his palm, his body offered up for each of Ryoji’s whims. Which, was a sight that brought a soft smile to the god’s face before he dipped his head and began a slow trail of feather-light kisses at the wildcard’s jaw and moved down his neck, then his sternum. “Ryoji…” the shaggy-haired man beneath the god sighed, his cloudy grey eyes focus on the brunette as he continued to leave delicate kisses down Minato’s belly. Each kiss and playful nibble enough to make the muscles below his pale skin flutter, or a shiver run down Minato’s body. A phenomenon that made Ryoji pause with his lips still against the man’s warm skin as he purred, “God, you’re so pretty, funeral lily…” Each fresh inhale of the wildcard’s lavender scent afterwards intoxicating him further.

“R-Ryoji…” And, just like that, the fog of lust was lifted by the distressed tone of the blue-haired man’s whimper. “Mina? Why do you sound so sad all of-” Ryoji didn’t need to finish his question. Because, when he lifted his eyes to look back up to his lover’s face, the pained grimace and tears he saw answered the question. “Funeral lily, what’s wrong?!” Ryoji asked instead as he pushed himself up from the wildcard’s belly to instead reach a hand up to the man’s cheek. Then, his breath froze in his throat.

His fingers. His pale skin, usually the color of a beam of moonlight, was now a sickeningly sticky shade of cherry against Minato’s own fair cheek. A shade that could be tracked down the wildcard’s body until he found the source. The spot where the skin of Minato’s belly had been torn open. A yawning, bloodied maw barely held together by the last few strands of the wildcard’s skin that remained.

For a moment, the sight his funeral lily stained red like this was morbidly beautiful, in that deeply unspoken manner. Yet, the sticky reminder of the blood on his face brought the god back to the reality of the moment. “Ryoji…”

It was Minato’s blood on his face. The crimson color that bloomed across the sheets was his fault. He hadn’t brought his lover any pleasure in exchange for his own. He’d only hurt him. “Ryoji.” The wildcard’s voice called. Muffled by the buzz of blood in the god’s ears as the brunette’s gut twisted and tied itself into knots. “Mochizuki!”

Freed from his dream, Ryoji threw himself out of the bed. Desperate to somehow get away from the copper scent on his skin, only to fall against the sturdy bedroom door before he sank to the floor. With his sapphire eyes barely cleared of sleepy haze as they darted from one corner of the shadow-filled bedroom to the next, the brunette’s heart thundered in his ears. The harshba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump in his chest nearly so loud, that it would’ve drowned out Minato’s voice when he huffed, “Ryoji, what the hell are you doing?” if the midnight-haired man had not moved as he spoke.

Minato?

Sure enough, Minato Arisato sat on the bed. His voice thick with sleep and confused annoyance, but the snow-colored button-up he was draped in seemed...untouched. His shaggy, dark hair was mussed and frizzy, but the wildcard was in one piece. He was perfectly fine.

He was unharmed. Though storm cloud eyes flashed with lightning, those bolts were what allowed reality to trickle back into Ryoji’s brain through the fog of anxiety and the slam of his heart against his ribs. Until, finally, the reaper’s fear had ebbed. “Ryoji.” Minato said in a firmer, yet suddenly kinder, voice that snapped the brunette out of his thoughts to look at his suddenly-softened partner. Why is he so nice all of a sudden?A dumb thought, for sure, because it surely wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that something must’ve been wrong with the god of death to have him huddled against the door like a frightened animal. And, despite his bad attitude and sharp tongue, Minato knew when honey was more effective than vinegar. “Nightshade, why did you jump up like that? Are you okay?” The shaggy-haired wildcard asked as he crouched down in front of Ryoji.

Yet, his quiet, gentle words still didn’t seem to be enough to receive an actual response from the half awake Shadow. only tears. “Hey, hey shh. You’re okay, Nightshade. It was just a bad dream.” the wildcard swiftly soothed, his hands moved to cup Ryoji’s round, soft face and swipe his tears away with his thumbs.

There was no fear. No hesitation to touch Ryoji and pull him from the sharp claws of his hysteria. “I’m so sorry!” The brunette finally sobbed, unable to tell whether the apology was for his dream, or the tears he couldn’t stop when they poured down his full cheeks and over his lover’s hands. Not that the reason mattered, though, to anyone but Ryoji. “Why are you apologizing? All you’ve done is startle me and have a bad dream.” He pointed out, the brunette only able to continue bawling as he stammered on uneven breaths, “I-I didn’t- I didn’t mean to h-hurt you.” Yet, Minato only continued to soothe him. “Nightshade, you had a nightmare. I’m fine, you haven’t done anything to me, see?”

As he spoke, the midnight-haired wildcard moved his hands from the distressed god’s cheeks to instead grab his wrists and put his hands on his hips. The warmth in his voice, the intimacy of the soft skin beneath Ryoji’s palms once more, with no fear or hesitation, only trust. Seemed to be the final anchor the brunette needed to fully realize that his dream wasn’t his reality. So, the brunette was slowly able to pull free of the self-imposed, irrational guilt and just curl around his lover. “I’m so sorry...for scaring you.” He eventually mumbled into the lavender-scented skin of Minato’s neck while the wildcard threaded his fingers through the brunette’s hair. Now sat in the god’s lap, with an arm draped around his shoulders and a thread of amusement in his chuckle, “It’s okay, Nightshade. I’m honestly sort of endeared that your worst nightmare is hurting me.” which, earned a weak giggle from Ryoji before the two settled into a comfortable sort of silence.

Eventually, they would likely move back to bed. But, for the moment, Ryoji simply buried his face in Minato’s scent to replace the stench of blood and distract from how vivid the moment had felt.

[fiction-is-life]

oh my gosh congrats on 500!!! u are a gem, thank u for being here and sharing your writing with us <33 may i please request “I’ve never felt this way before and I’m terrified to be honest.” with topper? thank uu and congrats again!!

Midnight Visitor

Author’s Note: Thank you so much, love!!! I love your writing so much and it is such an honor that you like mine! I’m sorry this took so long to write (after Spring Break I unfortunately got slammed with work until Finals), but I hope you like this little blurb!

Warnings: Male POV, description of heights, and a ton of fluff!

~

I woke up with a start, confusion adding to the fog of sleep clouding my brain.  A tapping sound broke through the haze after rubbing my eyes for a moment.  My eyebrows scrunched together.  “What the hell?” I murmured.  

Tap. Tap. Tap.

There it was again.  I lifted myself out of my comfortable bed, groaning slightly as my sore muscles stretched.  I padded over to the window overlooking the backyard, squinting to see what bird or other animal was tapping on my window.  What I saw instead made a slow smile spread across my face.

(Y/N) waved at me from two stories below, a chipper grin on her face despite the hour.  I didn’t hesitate in donning a pair of shoes before opening the window, slipping out of it soundlessly.   

I felt two warm arms slip around my waist as soon as my feet touched the ground.  She pressed a kiss into my back, but that wasn’t good enough for me.  

I turned and scooped her into my arms, giving her a real kiss.  I felt her soft lips curve into a smile as our lips melded together.  But she pulled back too soon, letting me chase her for just a second before placing her hands on my chest.

“I have a surprise for you,” she whispered, biting her lip, practically vibrating with excitement.

I kissed her nose.  “Then don’t let me hold you back, darling,” I murmured, letting her pull me to her car.

~

“Top?”  (Y/N) whispered, not sure if I was still awake as we laid on a blanket listening to the waves crash upon the beach.  We had just had a midnight picnic, and now we just let the sounds and smells of nature wash over us, basking in each other’s presence.  I honestly thought (Y/N) had fallen asleep, she had been so quiet.

“Hmm?” I breathed into her hair.

(Y/N) buried her head back into my chest.  “Nevermind, it’s nothing.”

Was she blushing?  It was hard to see, even with the light of the full moon.

“No, tell me, baby,” I prodded, raising to lean on my elbows, making her sit up as well.

She met my eyes finally after taking a deep breath.  I couldn’t read her expression; she seemed too serious for someone who had thrown rocks at my window until I woke up just a few hours before.  “I just - I mean to say -” she faltered and fumbled, making me a little nervous.  (Y/N) took another breath, this time refusing to look at me.  

“I’ve never felt this way before and I’m terrified to be honest.”

I laced my fingers between hers, rubbing her chilled hands.  “Me too, but I kinda like it.”

I barely got the words out before I was tackled and smothered in giggles and kisses.  Yeah, I definitely like it.

~

My Masterlist

Taglist:

@adventuresinobx @bradleybeachbabe @starkeyobx @penny4yourthoughts @topperscumslut @drewbooooo @honeybear-yammy @gillybear17 @hoebx @darksideofmyshallow @fangirlfree @get0ut0fmyr00m @poppet05 @graywrites20 @yellowbitchs-blog @laneyy003 @hydraironcaptian @honeybuzzzzzz​ @strokeofstokes​ @ietts @art3mas

[museumgiftshoperaser]

California Kind

(Jarygle, CW for weed and slight memory loss due to overuse of said weed, kinda sad honestly? like very sweet, but also kinda sad)

Jonathan doesn’t remember most of it. Halloween sticks to Christmas sticks to new years in a syrupy haze. The palm trees here are evergreen and fall never truly tips into winter. Pumpkins rotted in the heat, melting to the porch until the maggots turned to flies and his mom got rid of them. A Santa hat with a wine stained rim. Thanksgiving was somewhere in there too. He doesn’t remember any of that at all. He turns to his side, facing Argyle next to him on the bed. “What happened to Thanksgiving?” he mumbles and smoke slips from his mouth. Right. He hands the joint to Argyle, brushing fingertips. “Huh?” “Thanksgiving!” he says a little louder. “Why didn’t we do shit for Thanksgiving?” “I was there, man.” Argyle takes a long drag and aims toward the ceiling when he exhales. “Your mom made that awesome cornbread?” Jonathan smacks his lips together. His mouth is dry, but he immediately forgets about that too. “You don’t remember?”

Should he? He does like cornbread, actually. His mom used to make that every year when him and Will were kids. She only stopped when- Jonathan swallows. Dry mouth. Sore throat. Month long cough. “Of course I remember,” he says. “Just messing with you man.” “You didn’t miss much,” Argyle says anyway, ignoring him completely. “Your sister ate the cranberry sauce straight from the bowl. Like with a spoon and everything.” “My what?” “Your sister?” Argyle frowns, but he plays it like a joke. “The girl at the dinner table? Looks just like your mom?” “Oh.” He blinks a few times fast. Yeah. Obviously. His sister. Lose a brother, lose your mother. Get him back. Get the girl, lose the town. Gain a sister and somewhere in the middle, lose your mind. Gain a friend. He looks at Argyle, next to him on the bed with their knees bumped together. About third of his hair has been loosely braided, Jonathan’s favorite stoner hobby, but he never tied the bottom so the strands have already begun to slip away. His eyes are red and glossy, but his stare never budges. He’s got those eyes. Nice ones. Good ones. Honest or some shit. “Dude, you’ve had enough.” Argyle crawls a little closer. He braces himself with a hand against Jonathan’s rib cage and reaches over him to put the joint on the ash tray on the nightstand. Argyle’s sleeve brushes against his cheek, feather light and ticklish. Like a curtain rustling in the wind, blocking out the sunlight, but letting in the fresh air. “You’re like a curtain,” he says as sincerely as possible. “Sure, babe.” Argyle traces a soft fingertip over Jonathan’s forehead as he moves to lie back down. “And you’re the sun.” He stays close. Hand still on his ribs, chin tucked against his shoulder. Jonathan shifts his knees to slip one leg flush against Argyle’s thigh. They’re like that. Argyle is like that. He’s California casual. A Sunday morning to Jonathan’s midnight. He’s all hands and all skin. Generous with almost everything. It’s a California kindness.

Jonathan never had a lot of friends.

Argyle said once that he didn’t either, but he was lying. Playing sweet because he didn’t want to be mean. Everyone likes Argyle. They all know him at school and at the grocery store. People know his first name and not just his last. But Argyle is his friend now. A California kindness. “Don’t wanna be the sun,” he mumbles, feels very strongly about it all of a sudden. “That’s wrong.” Argyle smiles and Jonathan can’t look at his mouth without going cross eyed, but he does it anyway. Just the glint of teeth. He hasn’t shaved in a few weeks, is trying for a mustache even though it’s slow work. “Then what do you wanna be?” Argyle’s hand shifts from his rib cage down towards his waist. Finds the sliver of skin right above the waistband of his sweats and scratches a soft fingernail across his stomach. Back and forth. Back and forth. Real and sharp. Jonathan lets his eyes slip shut and waits for the loose words in his head to connect into something that makes sense. Waits for a while. Argyle walks slow fingers across his stomach, finds a soft spot and pinches. Playful and sharp. It stings, but just a little. He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t move, just exists in the small stretch where fingers dig into his skin. It’s like a language. Like a whole separate conversation. “I don’t remember.” Doesn’t remember what he wants to be. Barely remembers the question. Or his name or his week or all the things that happened to him before he crawled into this bed. Argyle’s breath huffs against his neck like a tiny cloud of smoke. Warm and slow. “That’s okay.” Soft lips against his collar bone, he thinks. He’s pretty sure. “You should get some sleep, love.” Yeah. Love. Can he be that? Jonathan sighs and sinks a little further into the mattress. Sleep doesn’t like him very much, not lately, but he drifts fast into something dreamless and quiet. The next morning in the shower, with a headache under the cold spray, he notices a tiny bruise right next to his belly button. Dark purple and shaped like a heart. Thinks Argyle did it, but he’s not sure anymore. He presses two fingers into his skin and it stings so at least that’s real. Thinks they kissed after that, thinks Argyle may have whispered something. Called him something. But he doesn’t remember.

[jayflrt]

if you left any clues in this chapter, i let you know I can’t pick it up because i felt they were left in some kinda human experiment. how have they not got alcohol poisoning atp ?? i have no clue on alcohol, since I don’t drink but assume that many shots of alcohol would be bad. or did math be wrong in my mind ? the haze felt like, it was they lived a normal life in the morning and at night some magical creatures 🧛🧛🧛🧛🧛. I feel like this was a mild haze because most insane thing was doing exercises after shots. Also Jay is so smart for the presentation thing, I would have thought of it and made some kinda random thing. talking bout a broad topic but giving one single message that’s smart 🫡 I want Jay so bad honestly. be MINE JAY AHHH 🐺🐺 it’s time for me to get into my thinking chair (pls get the blue’s clue reference) and put my thinking hat on. so far im just so taken back with everything however, I haven’t lost my goal yet. I have grown some suspense towards sunoo and rest of yn’s friends. first sunoo has been acting kinda weird lately, I always had my suspense with the friend group. most close people are on the suspect list always. after the small thing Chaewon pull im so confused idk if this small agenda against yn because of her past. but I don’t want to put her on the suspect list because only issue is heeseung was in love with yn while dating chaewon. people can be nasty but I don’t think she would go that far ? but she does fit the unknown doing it for their personal gain ?cuz a little revenge for ruining her relationship (as in chaewon’s) with no actual faults of her (yn) ? I know we are nearing the time yn finds about Jay but if i ignore maybe it’s not real 😅. actually what if you feel evil and go “surprise it was yn !” the whole time and she wanted to see how far jay was willing to go hide his secret. It because equal level of betrayal on both sides 😅 okay no don’t this because wtf that’s actually insane. pause, this might be nice approach because her dad has so high expectations and shit. maybe ? just…. okay no. anyhow I have no additional, suspects so far. I saw you say this maybe be 80 parts long well sign me UPPP im so invested. wait did you already reveal the secret that they blackmails Jay with ? cuz for some reason in my mind he has fake the administration and shits like that ? and maybe manipulate with the scores for him to be closer to suspect ?? or am I just tripping ??

ALSO NEXT UPDATE ARE WE GETTING LIKE THEM CONFRONTING YN ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED OR NOT BECAUSE ILL LAUGH 🙏OR DID SHE ALREADY TELL ANTON ALONG THE LINE OF “hypnotically speaking, what if you fucked (with clothes on) your crush who is also friends with your ex and childhood bestie who is still in love with me, totally didn’t happen to me asking for a friend ?” at most random hour of the midnight 😅. I just know yeonjun would be first one to question it from both yn and jay, THERES NO WAY IN HELL HE WILL LET THAT GO. I KNOW HES NOT CONVINCED praying for jayn HAHAHAH ‼️ actually non of them is convinced im praying both of them. Jayn wanted a put of sight out of mind situation but now everyone kinda knows. and curious.

theory anon

LMFAOO i used that chapter more for relationship developments between different characters (especially jay) and i Did seed some plot points that i want to incorporate later but nothing that would be obvious right away if that makes sense 🤧 LMFAOO yeah it's kind of a lot but they'll live!! with terrible hangovers the next morning probably 😃 yeah the exercises added with their lack of sleep the entire week would've been brutal 🥲 and the constant anxiety that they're doing something wrong or gonna get in trouble for something,, and i def used this chapter to flex how smart jay's supposed to be LOL that is MY main character <33

sunoo and mc are weirdly secretive of their friendship i'd say so definitely some suspicion there ! and chaewon's intentions with trying to put jay and mc on the hot seat are interesting too,, and could potentially be because of heeseung?? jay now knows her father was the one who wrote the article on mercy health too so if not her, her father does know something about what happened there 🫢 and anything can happen !! but you're right that we're just about nearing the time that mc finds out about jay 🥲

also yes it's gonna be around 80 parts!! maybe longer?? hopefully not because i don't want to have to make a second masterlist 😿 but i gotta do what i must for the storyline 🙏 also jay's "secret" hasn't been revealed yet!! also his client got his admission into yale falsified (not his scores) but that's also somewhat hanging over his head and keeping him working for someone he doesn't necessarily like or agree with because he's already in too deep of a hole :')

LMFAOOO pretty much all of them know Something is going on between jay and mc but just don't say anything because they either don't wanna accept it (the case for hoon and heeseung LMFAO) or they're just satisfied watching it unfold before them (100% yeonjun)

[youareinlove]

Hi, I’m the anon that asked you about the themes of midnights and thank you very much for your answer, you are really great with your analysis (you kinda opened my third eye with a couple of songs)! If you don’t mind, since you said that I could, can I ask you about who you think are the muses behind the songs? I only know about Jake for Maroon

hi anon! yeah of course

lavender haze, snow on the beach, labyrinth, sweet nothing, mastermind, the great war, paris, glitch, hits different, and you're losing me are all about joe

maroon is either about jake or harry, fandom consensus is pretty 50/50 on that one (personally i think harry because we literally have pictures/evidence of a lot of the lyrics and it's the same story as the one in question)

anti-hero, you're on your own kid, karma, and dear reader are all about taylor (although "i wake up screaming from dreaming one day i'll watch as you're leaving" and "karma is my boyfriend" are both joe)

midnight rain is about her high school boyfriend drew (not teardrops on my guitar drew, our song drew. there's two of them, she never dated tomg drew)*

question is about harry

vigilante shit is about scooter braun but it's more of a revenge fantasy than something that actually happened

bejeweled is about calvin (like he's the asshole she's getting away from) and so is high infidelity (once again he's the asshole, but joe's the one who "brought her back to life")

bigger than the whole sky is about a friend's miscarriage, and i wouldn't even say anything if claire (the friend) hadn't made it public herself on her own terms + confirmed it

would've, could've, should've, is about john

[grandtheftaristotle]

The Hidden Narrative of Midnights

Heyyyyyyy

So in honour of the TS11 announcement (!!!!!) and Midnights winning AOTY (!!!!!!!!) I'm posting this essay I accidentally wrote months ago after relistening to You're Losing Me and finally figuring out how Midnights works as an album

I was SUPER thrown by this album when it first came out and how different it was from the way it was marketed, but after Joever and YLM I think I get it now.

So, below the cut, here's how I make sense of Midnights, the order of the songs, and how it was presented to us.

Enjoy, and I'm sorry.

Okay so I finally listened to You’re Losing Me again and now I’m thinking about it in the wider context of the album

Cause we agree that it kinda redefines the whole thing right? Reframes the album not just as her reminiscing on nights she was up late and for what reasons, but reminiscing specifically about memories that could help her decide whether to stay or move on. She described this love as being golden like daylight on Lover; it makes sense that nighttime is when she has to grapple with the notion of ending it.

So we start with Lavender Haze, which as a title track genuinely makes me insane when I think about the amount of parallels it has to You’re Losing Me. The way it reframes her SO’s quiet demeanour as something positive (“you don’t ever say too much / and you don’t really read into my melancholia”), rather than the nail in the coffin it ultimately was (“do something babe, say something / choose something babe, risk something”), the references to marriage and how inconsequential it is (“I wouldn’t marry me either”), “you don’t really read into my melancholia” vs “how can you say you love someone you can’t tell is dying”, “I’m damned if I do give a damn what people say” vs “a pathological people pleaser”. I could go on.

Next we go to Maroon, which has her thinking back on another breakup that had a significant emotional impact on her (“and I wake with your memory over me / that’s a real fucking legacy to leave”) (I’m also thinking about that in two different ways; their memory as a legacy they left behind [“a real fucking legacy to leave”] and leaving AS a legacy [“a real fucking legacy, to leave”] - the last one could tie into the central conflict). The way the song trails off at the end is kinda like her thoughts trailing off; she doesn’t really come to a conclusion about the whole thing, it’s just a memory. A real fucking legacy to leave, to leave.

Her next thought is “it’s me! Hi! I’m the problem! It’s me!” Anti Hero’s pretty self explanatory; she’s thinking that maybe she’s the problem here; overreacting about the whole thing, trying to get ahead of him leaving her, up late and stressed now that her depression’s taking over. I interpret ‘all the people I’ve ghosted stand there in the room’ as referring to the people in the memories she sings about; people she’s broken up with, old friends, even old versions of herself. Did she leave them, or did they leave her? Either way it was probably her fault, she decides.

From there she looks back on when she first fell for her partner; they both fell at the same time, and it was magical, like snow on the beach. Not only was it magical and beautiful, like it was destined to happen, but it shows they were both on the same page. So why can’t they be now?

You’re On Your Own, Kid. This might be one of her heaviest songs, with one of the most stark revelations - “like I’d be saved by a perfect kiss”. This whole time she was hoping that the right love, the right person, would save her and make her feel complete. She thought she found that person, but they haven’t made her feel complete, and now she’s thinking of ending it. Just like the person at the beginning of the song - “I wait patiently, he’s gonna notice me”. But they didn’t, and now her current partner doesn’t seem to either. “You’re on your own, kid / you always have been” - that line ends up being comforting. You’ve always been on your own, and you’ve made it here anyway. There’s no reason why you can’t still go far.

Speaking of going far, Midnight Rain kinda plays off the ideas set up in YOYOK in how it refers to a relationship from her youth; before she became famous. She talks about how “he wanted a bride, I was making my own name”; paralleling her reluctance to get married in Lavender Haze and the ultimate revelation that her current partner doesn’t seem to want it. This is kinda where we start to question if she really doesn’t want to get married, or if she’s trying to convince herself she doesn’t. Personally I think it’s a mix of both; around the time Lavender Haze takes place, she was perfectly content to be unmarried and just stay ‘in that lavender haze’, as it were. In the honeymoon phase. I also think that, whether she wanted it or not, the constant speculation was grating on her and made the topic unpleasant. That said, at some point she likely wanted to take things that extra step, but her SO was either very reluctant or very nonchalant about it, leading us here. She looks back on when someone did want to marry her (eventually), but she backed out on them to focus on her career. This might be a case of thinking ‘I chose my career over a relationship; am I simply doing it again?’

Question is similar to Maroon in that it’s looking back on a past relationship for some hint of what to do here. All the questions she wanted to ask her ex (or maybe did), some of which she wants to ask her current partner (“did you wish you put up more of a fight?”) Also thinking of “does it feel like everything’s just second best after that meteor strike”. Very “I promise that you’ll never find another like me” coded. Convincing herself that if the break up did happen, her partner would never find someone better. I will defend ME! with my dying breath.

Now for Vigilante Shit. This one is significantly harder to nail down than all the others; it feels a bit out of place within the narrative and more like a tease for Rep TV. That said I do want to touch on two things: “I don’t start shit but I can tell you how it ends” aka “I am a confident badass and I will ultimately do what is best for me” and “picture my thick as thieves with your ex wife”. Marriage themes once again, this time with a divorce. Interesting. 

With newfound confidence, she lets herself bejewelled. Once again, this is pretty self explanatory. She can still make the whole place shimmer, even if she doesn’t have a man. But that said, she still wants him in her life. “Familiarity breeds contempt / don’t put me in the basement when I want the penthouse of your heart”. This song isn’t just saying ‘I’m incredible’, it’s saying ‘I’m incredible and I want others to notice, especially this one person’.

(I will take this moment to acknowledge that, yes, Taylor has said this song is about her return to pop music rather than a relationship. However, since I’m looking at these songs through the specific lens of her making a decision about her relationship, I’m reinterpreting it. I realize that this wasn’t the original intention of the song, but I’m setting that aside for the sake of the narrative.)

These last several songs have clearly showed Taylor leaning more toward ‘break up’, with Bejewelled having more of a middle ground perspective. That song now acts as a bridge into the last four songs of the standard edition, which all have her thinking more about the positive aspects of the relationship, all the reasons she wants to save it. We start with Labyrinth, which details the anxiety she felt at the beginning of the relationship and how this person helped her through it (“you would break your back to make me break a smile”). All the effort they put in then, something they clearly aren’t doing now. Another notable line is “I’ll be getting over you my whole life” which connects to “you might just have dealt the final blow” in You’re Losing Me; she feels she may never recover from the potential break up.

Next up we have Karma, which has similar mixed messages to Bejewelled. On one hand, we have the assertion that karma is her boyfriend, a god, the breeze in her hair on the weekend, a relaxing thought, a cat purring in her lap cause it loves her, and she and karma vibe like that. It suggests that if she has karma, she doesn’t need anything else, because it does everything that others can’t. Karma will always be there for her and act in her favour because she always does the right thing, so no matter what decision she makes it will be on her side. But then in the bridge we have her saying “karma is the guy on the screen coming straight home to me”. A quick reminder that karma brought this person into her life, so perhaps they were the right thing all along. If her partner came along at just the right time and has been there for her since, then ending it might not be the right decision.

And now, Sweet Nothing. Ohhhhhhhh dear god Sweet Nothing. First of all, within the narrative. Throughout the album there has been talk of people wanting things from Taylor, be it career related or life related. “I have this dream my daughter in law kills me for the money” “all they keep asking me if if I’m gonna be your bride” “life is emotionally abusive” “I hosted parties and starved my body” (the entirety of YOYOK actually) “he wanted a bride, I was making my own name” “you know how much I hate that everyone expects me to bounce back just like that” and so on. But this song details a relationship where the person doesn’t necessarily want anything from her. It’s all nice and quiet and completely peaceful. And then you remember what she said earlier in Midnight Rain - “he wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain” and the themes in both YOYOK and Bejewelled about wanting to be noticed, and then when you hear You’re Losing Me you’re hit with “do something babe, say something”. And you realize ‘oh shit, maybe that quiet life isn’t entirely what she wants here’. And our hypothetical version of Taylor, who’s thinking about all this in the middle of the night while deciding whether or not to end the relationship, realizes ‘oh shit maybe that quiet life isn’t entirely what I want here’. But she doesn’t come to that conclusion til later, cause right now she’s just caught up in the thrill of being with someone who, for once, doesn’t want anything from her. Only later on will she discover that she might want him to want something from her. 

We finish off the standard edition with Mastermind, which has similar themes to Snow on the Beach, with these two people being on the exact same page at the start of their relationship. Taylor thought she was manipulating everything behind the scenes, because she’s always in control of the situation. And as far as the media’s concerned, she tricks men into dating her just so she can write songs about it later, so she might as well lean into that, right? Except, turns out her partner knew what she was doing the entire time and was totally fine with it. So not only can he read her like a book, but he wants the same thing she does. There’s no need to be concerned about their relationship, cause they’ve always been on the same page. Additionally, there’s a theme of control at play here that leads into the next song; she felt fully in control at the start of their relationship, since she thought she was masterminding the whole thing. But now, she’s losing that control.

Which leads us into Hits Different, the first bonus track. I was debating for a while whether I wanted this before or after the 3am tracks, but I think it fits best here, mainly because of how it aligns with Mastermind. While that song was about her being in control, this song is about her spiralling out of control. I heard someone say it sounds like the Blank Space girl fell in love for the first time and I CANNOT stop thinking about that because it’s SO accurate. Especially with the lines about “switching out these Kens” and “skipping town like an asshole outlaw”. Much like with Mastermind, it seems to lean more into that satirical ‘man-eater’ image she toyed with in Blank Space, in that it sounds like someone who has never had their heart broken before and is having a full blown CRISIS about it. And while that’s not the kind of person Taylor is, it does show just how much this is affecting her; that the prospect of this breakup is hitting her harder than any she’s previously had. 

Now onto the 3am tracks. The Great War is pretty self explanatory; same vibe as Snow on the Beach and Labyrinth of “we did it then, why can’t we do it now?” The one thing I will touch on is the lines at the end of the bridge - “that was the night I nearly lost you / I really thought I lost you”. Calls back to Maroon (“and I lost you”), and parallels You’re Losing Me. She was able to step back and examine the situation and realize she was losing him, but he’s unable to do the same while he’s losing her.

Bigger Than The Whole Sky as a song has a couple of popular interpretations; one that it’s about a miscarriage, and one that’s it’s about the loss of who Taylor was before JM. I’m partial to the first reading, but the second one works best with this narrative (and was more likely Taylor’s intent in my opinion). The idea that this relationship fucked her up so bad that she’s actively mourning who she was before it is honestly devastating, and it makes sense that she would worry about the same thing happening if she leaves her current partner, since they’ve been together for so long. It’s possible that this song is also mourning the life she will never have with him if they ultimately break up, which I could go further with but I think it’s best if I leave it there. 

Paris is another song that becomes a lot sadder when you view it from this angle. Specifically, the line “I want to brainwash you into loving me forever”; when you consider just how much she wants for the relationship to work and the degree to which she’s trying to convince herself it’ll be okay, the desperation in this line becomes exceedingly obvious. I also really love how it just trails off at the end. Given how energetic most of this song is, a traditional pop ‘quiet chorus LOUD CHORUS’ ending would make the most sense. And we do get that quiet chorus, but no loud one to follow it up. The way she carefully improvs and repeats the lines at the end makes it sound like she’s biding time waiting for the music to jump back in again, but it never does. She’s waiting for that spark of magic to return, but it doesn’t. Instead the mid tempo vibe continues into…

High Infidelity! Finally after all these years we get some answers about the Calcium situation! With the end of Paris, it’s like she was actively trying to avoid revisiting this memory, but it came back all the same. And if I can be real for a second here, this is, in my opinion, one of the best songs she’s ever written. But anyway, this song tells us about the last time she was in a relationship headed for marriage, but in this case she very much did not want it to happen. She also explains how she cheated on her partner, either literally or emotionally, and how this new person ‘brought her back to life’. This song does two things; it describes a relationship where leaving was the best option because her partner didn’t take the time to notice or know her (“I’d pay if you’d just know me” is VERY You’re Losing Me coded), and explains how another person made her feel special and alive again while she was being stifled. If we assume her current partner was ‘the other person’, then this song also holds the mixed messages of Bejewelled and Karma. He brought her out of this stifling relationship; there’s no way he brought her into another one. He knew what that was like for her, he’d never act that way even accidentally, right?

It’s official: there’s been a glitch. This song is fascinating to me because a glitch is typically a negative thing, but here it’s being framed as a positive. Very ‘I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this’ coded. But at the same time, some glitches only exist for a short time before getting resolved, like a blip. So this song can be viewed in a few ways; their relationship started because of a glitch, their current problems are because of a glitch (the way he’s acting now conflicting with how their relationship started), or their relationship IS the glitch, and it’s slowly getting resolved, meaning it will be ending soon. While the first one is definitively what the song is about, the last two could show the headspace she’s in while looking back on it. That’s what I mean with all the songs really; what they’re about doesn’t change, but by examining their order we can eke out a thought process that caused her to look back on these memories.

And now we get to Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve. Easily one of the most harrowing songs in Taylor’s discography, with its anger, desperation, and overwhelming aura of regret. Oddly enough, I have a hard time placing this relative to the other songs; I feel like it’s where my ‘thought process’ theory gets a little shaky. Unlike the other songs, where I could work certain parts into the current situation, it’s very hard to do that with this song because I feel like it almost downplays what it’s really about. The closest I came to this issue previously was with Bigger Than The Whole Sky; because I hear that song and think of a miscarriage, it was hard to separate it from that interpretation in my mind. But I’d argue it’s more difficult with WCS, because we know definitively what it’s about, while we don’t know for sure what BTTWS is about. These two songs are already connected; the alternative theory for BTTWS is that it’s her saying goodbye to the person she was before the relationship. But even then, it’s still a theory. 

My only real idea for how WCS connects to the timeline is that it’s her thinking back on a relationship that fundamentally changed her. The things she says in the song makes it clear that this relationship has haunted her for years after it happened, and that maybe it affects her perception of love now. It’s a memory she felt she had to go back to in order to make a decision about her current one, but she doesn’t come away with any real conclusions about it, except for the fact that it still bothers her to this day. Unlike her current one, she didn’t get anything good out of that relationship, nothing that makes her glad she went through it. I’m thinking about an interview she gave during the 1989 era, about how she came to realize that just because a relationship wasn’t built to last doesn’t mean it wasn’t special while it was there. It’s something I think she’s come to embrace in recent years and songs; the idea that you can appreciate the good times you had with a person even if it didn’t end well. But in WCS, there’s none of that. There was nothing good, no good memories, nothing salvageable in that relationship. Just a wound that won’t close, lost girlhood, stained glass windows in her mind.

…well that was a bit of a ramble.

So we’ll assume that WCS is her looking back on a relationship that deeply affected her, and that it’s more a byproduct of looking back on all these memories. She was bound to end up there eventually the deeper she went into her thought process; at the very bottom, she found the cathedral where it all went wrong.

And now, the last track before our grand finale. Dear Reader.

You know, I try really hard to not read too far into Taylor’s songs. Especially since folkmore, I do my best not to assume everything she writes matches up exactly with what’s going on in her life. But man, the first time I heard Dear Reader, I got this sinking feeling that everything with Joe wasn’t what it seemed.

Just that bridge. It breaks my heart a little every time I hear it, and it really drives home the point that we truly never really know what’s going on in her life. “You wouldn’t take my word for it if you knew who was talking / if you knew where I was walking / to a house not a home all alone cause nobody’s there”. Listening to all the love songs on this album, we never would’ve known something was wrong. She’s built a career off of being so open about her life in her music, but there are some things she’s just not ready to share She seems to think no one would listen to her thoughts on love if we knew her relationship was on the rocks. “You should find another guiding light / but I shine so bright”. Despite all this, she’ll never stop writing music and sharing certain parts of her life with us. Not her whole life, but what she’s ready for us to hear.

That’s why You’re Losing Me didn’t come out right away. She wasn’t ready for us to hear it in 2022, but she was in 2023, after the news broke. I find it interesting how Dear Reader is kinda saying ‘you don’t really know my life and you don’t know everything I’m going through’ and You’re Losing Me follows it up by showing us why. 

You’re Losing Me parallels nearly every song on Midnights. Some of them are admittedly stretches, and I don’t have time to list them all here, but here are some examples:

“You say I don’t understand and I say I know you don’t” / “Saw the wide smirk on your face, you knew the entire time”

“I’m getting tired even for a phoenix, always rising from the ashes” / “Ask me why so many fade but I’m still here”

“Stop, you’re losing me” / “Oh no, I’m falling in love”

“How can you say you love someone you can’t tell has died?” / “There’s many different ways that you can kill the one you love, the slowest way is never loving them enough”

“All I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier” / “Soldier down on that icy ground looked up at me with honour and truth”

“I’m the best thing at this party” / “When I walk in the room I can still make the whole place shimmer”

“A pathological people pleaser” / “Argumentative antithetical dream girl”

“Who only wanted you to see her” / “I wait patiently, he’s gonna notice me”

“Do something babe, say something” / “I find myself running home to your sweet nothing”

“Lose something babe, risk something” / “He wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain”

“I can’t find a pulse, my heart won’t start anymore.” It’s the culmination of the whole night. The moment she looks at the clock and sees it’s 7am. Time to face the reality and make the decision she’s been building to all this time.

I feel kinda bad making this analysis, because it feels like I’m trying to make the album sad so I’ll care about it more. But the fact is that this becomes a stronger body of work (at least for me) with this throughline. It makes the boppier songs make more sense for an album that’s supposed to be so melancholic. I was so confused when I heard songs like Bejewelled and Karma for the first time cause the way she presented the album to us made it sound a LOT darker than some of these songs. But when you look at it like this, that she’s grappling with such a big decision and that’s her reason for revisiting these more upbeat memories, it all starts to come together, and the darker presentation makes more sense.

Not all these songs need to be sad. Taylor isn’t always sad. Her music doesn’t need to be sad for me to like it. It’s just the vibes of the album compared to the sound that threw me off. But when I view it through this lens, I kinda get it now. Midnights is still at the bottom of my album ranking; probably will be for a while. But I have a greater appreciation for it after puzzling out this narrative.

[la-nightraine]

I Like a Lot of Aesthetics,

I wrote this on June 13, 2023 at around 23:41 my local time. For some reason, it stayed in Keep and never got posted, even though I say I like how I wrote it every time. So here you go now, enjoy!

Right now, I like cool-colored neon and synthwave. It's so dreamy and reminds me of "Lavender Haze" by Taylor Swift, and everything else from her album Midnights. It reminds me of stars and the dark and a much needed silence in the world at 2am. They sound like sparkly, twinkling ideas and I feel like strutting amongst them like spotlights on a big concert stage, and I feel like flying up.

Sometimes, I do feel like lofi and rainy days. Not necessarily warm colors, but low-saturated ones that put me to sleep kinda does the thing. It's all about sitting by a window bobbing your head up and down and getting lost in daydreams underneath the blanket you carried over on your shoulders. Maybe it screams lazy energy or that of a slow, calm day---not necessarily productive, but why not try to be while everything's paced nicely.

Other times, I feel pastel and dream pop---pink cloudy skies and Blue Neighbourhood by Troye Sivan. They are days spent playfully in a world of melted cotton candy and never-ending sunsets. Everything feels light and in flight, including me except, well, I've never been high. And it's when you feel so fluffy you could lay on a giant powdery fur and stay there forever.

This doesn't mean I never feel glittery, though. Of course I still do! Sometimes, pop makes you feel like the prettiest girl in the room and when that happens to me, I make sure my gestures show that I'm the prettiest girl to walk down this street today. I may look a little shy from time to time, but that's part of acting like a cutie. Deep down, I'm confident I look nice and that confidence will take a verbal criticism to put down. It doesn't have to be an actual fit of glitters, you just have to feel like you're glimmering under the sun like the winks of an idol.

On select occassions, I'd also feel hot. And by hot, I mean all eyes on me kinda thing. It makes me uncomfortable most of the times, I'm not gonna lie, but for times when it doesn't I do kinda feel like I'm dressed up for revenge. It's all about black and electronic music with a hint of trap, hiphop, or dance, which reminds me a lot of All Out by K/DA. It's like badass neon and powerful but teasing movements, the exact opposite of miss lazy lofi.

Another favorite vibe I have is guitar heavy and good hair days. Is it acoustic swaying with the wind to teach it how to dance? Or is it electric trying at the top of my lungs? I haven't played guitar in ages but I will never forget how it made me feel that one time I played my song onstage and feeling it while also nervous. And it's not like I don't know what it must feel like when I see people enjoy it on their own stages. It can be so alive that it physically tires me, but it can also be just sitting on a chair feeling the feels. I just love it.

The rarest of them all is ethereal and theatrical, because this is something I'm not usually fond of. But when it does happen, it's attempting to act like an angel. I say attempting because, why would I be cast as an angel with a voice like... this? Anyway, it feels more divine than royal, more white than gold, more cherry blossoms falling than freshly bloomed lavender bushes. The feeling of flying is because you have wings, not because the wind is taking you. It's trying really hard to act like you're on top of the world when in reality, you're just a smol bean among 8 billion more beans.

I must admit, there are moments that I can't associate with colors or aesthetic. Just the warmth of the feeling along with the smile that escaped. A little like warm, creamy coffee that makes you melt on your seat. Although sometimes it's more like a push of a button, that of a sudden flush of serotonin, that automatically raises both sides of my lips, narrows my eyes like the happiest kid in town, and commands me to twirl and skip around like a princess in a musical movie--a little like title track Fearless by Taylor Swift, which is by far the sole song of hers that makes me feel this way.

I like a lot of aesthetics and genres. I am not a master nor a jack of all trades; I'm just a mosaic of all the things that I chose and allowed to define me. To most people, it's a bunch of belief systems and physical evidences. To me, it's what paints everyone's eyes colorful and everyone's ears harmonious.

[superblysubpar]

hi!! 🤍 if you have any spots left open in your 12 day of christmas i’d love to request ‘tis the damn season by taylor swift w eddie! (only if you’re feeling it ofc! the song is kinda angsty)

The spots have all been taken - here’s the masterlist of what’s been posted and what’s to come.  The playlist is linked at the end of the story. Let me know what you think, any interaction is so appreciated and loved! 

Summary: You’re back home for the holidays and your mistakes count you down to the new year (very much an angsty, not a happy ending, listen to the lyrics of the song) | swearing, not a happy ending, implied smut so 18+ / minors DNI

A/N: I apologize for getting this out so late and I appreciate the patience, I hope it was worth the wait! (I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry this is SO angsty).

1.6k words

Day 11 | Track 11: “ ‘tis the damn season” by Taylor Swift

People make mistakes - it’s a fact, a constant of the universe, a steady truth. Even you weren’t immune to the intense mistake making the holiday seemed to bring out in everyone - a last hurrah of stupidity before the new year. The mistakes build and count down to your demise without you realizing it. 

Ten. 

Returning to Hawkins for the holidays - this mistake was simple, easy to define, undeniably preventable, and the fuel which filled the mistake filled fire that consumed your transition into the new year. 

You knew why you made the trip home, the truth there, although buried deep - a thread you could easily pull out of the air and unravel to reveal it all. But perhaps you were denying what was right in front of you, running from it for as long as and as far as you could. Yearning for a past you’d left behind for a reason you couldn’t remember suddenly. 

You were seeing it all through rose colored glasses as you made your way down the familiar snow lined sidewalk to Steve Harrington’s house. 

It looked exactly the same as it had every year of your childhood - the Christmas lights still strung up perfectly, the sounds of laughter and music echoing from inside, the splashes coming from the back of the home and its heated pool, the cars overcrowding the entire street. 

It really was all the same, right down to the vehicle in your sights now. Everyone in Hawkins showed up to the Harrington’s for New Years Eve, so the sight of the familiar van shouldn’t have been a shock to you.

Stopping on the sidewalk with your hands in your pockets, you look inside the passenger door window - the window that used to be yours - and you quickly turn, shoving the past behind you where it belonged. 

You rationalized with yourself that it was a big house and you’d probably not even run into each other tonight, stepping over the threshold and into the party.  

Nine.  

After making the rounds and hearing how your friends were doing the same things they had been, or getting married and having kids already, the party started to ramp up a little. Dumb jocks sticking their tongues down girls' throats, red solo cups littering the floor and a smoky haze filling the room, you were starting to remember that reason for leaving.

And then 'Don't Stop Believing' started playing and you watched the house full of drunk and high idiots lose their shit as the clock ticked closer to midnight.

Leaning against the doorway, you rolled your eyes but had to laugh at the drunken belting out of the lyrics and shenanigans of all the party goers. 

Feeling a pair of eyes on you, you turn to find the source, a smile still twitching at your lips as you lock eyes on those familiar brown ones and you see him, mirroring your stance completely in the doorway across the room, the lyrics screaming overhead, "For a smile they can share the night...."

He smiles and knocks his head backwards, the message clear, 'wanna get out of here?'

And you do.

So you go.

Eight. 

Finding each other again at the front door, he’s exactly the same, just like everything else in the town. From the same long, dark hair falling in waves over his leather clad shoulders to his dirty white Reebok's. 

He opens the front door, bowing slightly as he gestures outside, "Ladies first," pressing his palm to your back as he follows.

Your stomach spinning in a knot as you pull away from him, "Eddie, I don't think-"

He's holding his hands up in surrender, brown eyes a little brighter than when you last saw them this close, smiling as he blows out his breath, "Sorry babe, old habits die hard," he opens the passenger door for you, the same rusty spots screeching through the quiet night. You smirked as he mimes crossing his heart, "I promise I'll behave."

You smile, hand touching his on the door as you whisper, "Don't make promises you can't keep Munson," climbing into the van and holding your breath as he leans in.

"But those are the best kind to make," winking and closing the door gently.

Seven.

Eddie's van was exactly the same, stepping into a part of your personal history that seemed to be frozen in time. Stickers on the dash, cassette tapes littering the floor, and the smell - the cigarettes and weed mixing with the leather of the van and hints of his cologne. The smell that should smell terrible but was pulling you back in like an old friend you’d never left.  

He hopped in the driver’s seat, hands searching his pockets and you picked up the lighter in the cup holder as he pulled a cigarette from his coat and began the search for it. 

Holding it up and flicking it, his eyes dart up to you. Sticking it between his lips, he leans forward and lets you light it for him, inhaling slowly without his eyes ever leaving yours as he offers it to you. 

Staring at the glowing orange tip, you close your eyes and Eddie whispers, “Ah, should have guessed you don’t smoke anymore.”

You pull the cigarette from him and narrow your eyes, “Tonight I do.”

Eddie smirks as you nod towards the road, placing your feet up on the dash like you’d never stopped and inhaling as he moves the car into drive. 

Six.   

The chains of the swing creak as the wind whistles through them and you groan around the bite in your mouth, “Fuck me, they don’t make burgers like this anywhere else, I swear.”

Reaching your hand into the bag for a stray fry, Eddie kicks the rocks under his feet as his body slowly kicks the swing he’s on back and forth, throwing his head back, “And yet, you still left.”

Your eyes dart over to him and your breath hitches. The moonlight casting him in a soft glow, you follow the column of his outstretched neck, his jaw line and to his lips twitching as he sings, “You-re stare-ing.”

You turn abruptly back to your burger, kicking your own feet and then look around, Hawkins Middle in front of you and you smile, “Hey, do you remember-”

“Don’t.”

You stop in the middle of your reminiscing to see his bleak face staring at the building, like you’re not seeing it the same at all, like you’re not remembering it the same. 

You sigh, “Eddie, please don’t-”

He turns his sweet brown eyes to you, his lips and chin trembling, “Why’d you leave me here?”

You close your eyes and whisper, “Did you get my letter?”

He laughs, a dark and cold one that isn’t the laugh you remember at all as he jumps out of the swing, “Yeah, yeah I got your letter alright.”

He clenches his hands in fists at his side and when he turns his eyes to you again, you take in the boy you left behind two years ago. In some ways, he’s the same - the clothes, the mannerisms, the car, the same hang out spot. But he’s changed. You’ve changed. His voice is deeper, he’s got the hint of some facial hair, and he’s got a sort of confidence about him that he always had, but somehow even stronger now. And you were missing him, thinking about the person he’s become in just two years and who he would continue to become after this. 

You weren’t swinging anymore, but it felt like you were in that spot, right before you fall backwards, like you could fly away and be free of the gravity of earth and responsibilities if you just let yourselves pretend that’s the way it could be. 

You stand and step towards him, grabbing his hand. You speak softly, pleading with him, “If you got my letter, then you know why I had to leave. And to be honest, I don’t know why you’re still here, Eddie.”

He laughed again, palm pressing into his eye, “Didn’t ya hear babe? Your ex boyfriend is repeating his senior year…again,” dropping his hand he shakes his head, “But, you know, ‘86 is my year - I can feel it.”

His voice falters on the last sentence, sweet eyes melting you and you lean in, hands finding his cheeks and his your waist. Your breath mingles with each other before your lips press together in a kiss that was two years too late. 

Five. 

Getting back in the car with Eddie and letting him drive you to the familiar trailer, kiss you more as you both clumsily made your way to his bedroom that looked exactly the same.

Four.  

Kissing that wandered from each other’s lips, brushing over spots that had yearned for his kisses every day for years, bruising and buzzing fingertips that made your back arch off the bed - convincing yourself it can work this time, maybe you could stay.

Three.

That moment, right before it all crashes over you and you’re there, holding each other like you used to - arms around his shoulders, his around your waist and he kisses you like no time has passed and you’re calling out his name over and over again until you’re too far gone to care about why you shouldn’t be doing it. 

That is, until he falls asleep and you’re still awake, knowing it will never work, knowing you’re delusional as you see the metal lunchbox, the corroded coffin flag, the room that hasn’t changed and will never change next to the boy who didn’t follow you out of that town. 

Maybe he’ll follow you this time.

Two. 

Quietly slipping out of the trailer, you steal his keys, driving yourself to your parents house. Leaving the keys on the dash with a note that says ‘86 is your year Eddie, come find me this time’. 

You don’t even say goodbye to your parents, slipping into your car, windshield fogging up, or maybe it’s your tears blurring your vision, as you drive over the town line, leaving Eddie Munson for the second time. 

One.

Happy New Year.

tagging my lovely ladies: @boomhauer @loveshotzz @myobmaya @sweetsweetjellybean

[bisluthq]

There are several reasons why a lot of people think Joe left Taylor and I gave one good reason, but I don’t think it got posted. My opinion is that Taylor’s team kept going to her source medias and saying Joe would join her later. Well, the leak said they broke up, and the next day Taylor had to go official. The word is that Taylor believed Joe’s people leaked it. She had to change her sm and tour because of it. Taylor would not have made the tour about her Lavender Haze boyfriend if they were absolutely broken up in Feb. She was too obsessed with him to leave him. After writing 5 albums(not including additions to Midnights) that had songs about him, I believe it. Either her team lied with all those “he is joining her later at the tour” to the media, when they were truly broken up in Feb, or she was blind sided by Joe. I think the latter. He wanted out.

I think this is a huge pile of rubbish lol and has a number of factual inaccuracies. 1) Where are you getting this Feb thing from lol? They broke up partway into tour. Yes, she did say he’s joining her later. That might’ve been the discussion. Yes, she did do the imagery around him because that’s what the songs are about and she obviously was hoping they could figure it out. They couldn’t. 2) I’ve heard - maybe it was you - say this stuff about “leaks” but what I know is Tree released a statement to ET and then reconfirmed it to CNN in April. Leaks were? They also dropped it over Easter weekend when it kinda got buried which seems like they did it when they wanted and weren’t forced into anything at all? Now, Taylor x Matty did indeed leak. The breakup… did not. 3) “she was too obsessed with him to leave him” based on what? Songs about 6/7 years ago when they met and she felt he saved her? Bruv she doesn’t have Stockholm Syndrome. Feelings change. She always found his emotional distance and tendency to push her away frustrating (since Rep songs). It’s well likely that that frustration overpowered the positive things she felt about him. Real people aren’t “too obsessed to leave” like you can care for someone and still realize it’s no longer working idk what to tell you.