#this was in kindergarten though so i dont blame the kid

[skrunksthatwunk]

kinda starting to realize how morbid i was as a child. like i acted out dying dramatically on the playground and thought about violence/combat a LOT (in a very fantastical disconnected from reality type way) and i imagined i was a corpse at home sometimes. I'd just lay there for a couple hours pretending to be dead for shits like. babygirl hwuh????

[raybeetle]

im so mad at people who think time travel will ever exist. thats not how physics works buddy I would know (im 13 and have never studied physics in my life, however, due to an intense ego, I believe that everything my brain tells me is true because it sounds true) you are not larger than the universe you cant just grab fucking time like that and fuck with it. how would you even calculate where to go? the universe isn’t sentient or a thing it doesn’t register your HUMAN MORTAL concepts of time. you cant just tell your machine to go to 2009[1] and it’ll understand what the fuck youre talking about . shut the fuck up. listen I have childish dreams and ambitions too but you know what im NOT. an OPTIMIST. you are NOT time traveling. these are also the same reasons for visual snow and why teleportation isnt possible as well.

in 2009 stephen hawking (rip king i miss you I dont care about epsteins island you will always be in my heart) made a party for time travellers, after the party ended he released the invites . nobody showed up of course. or DID THEY? maybe they showed up but told Stephen hawking not to tell anyone they did because that could fuck up the timeline? No they didn’t. time travel isnt real. go fuck yourself hawking. love you though!

[tears-of-boredom]

i have a headache. and I hate my life. i dont know if its because of the meeting with the adult or because i feel like I fucked up my disco ely run. sorry for the spoilers but i fucking got him shot. he didnt trust me enough. oh my fucking god. im probably genuinely going to start all over again. i cant continue the run with that weighing on me. ill at least load a couple saves back. do the whole ruby thing later. or maybe i just feel shitty because i have a headache. and maybe i have a headache cause ive been staring at my computer screen the whole day...I wish the days were longer. i wish i could sleep and not have to face a new day. why cant the time just stop with me. why does it have to run on without me. i fucking hate adults. they speak as if theyre so nice and try to help, all while implying with every sentence that all of this is my fault. like sorry but this started early enough that the only thing that can be blamed is what raised me. and that is my mom assuring me that i can come to her for help, even though she's lying and is never truly able to help me. vacations spent at my father's, who never uttered a word beyond "shut the lights when you go to sleep" and openly smoked infront of the unlit fireplace, where the ventilation duct was. grandparents who got angry randomly, who you learned to tiptoe around, grandparents who started a screaming match with a 6 year old if she didnt want to go skiing in the winter, if she didn't want to go swimming in the summer, grandparents who walked back on their promises constantly, and got angry with you when you called them out, or tried to play it off as a joke, made you feel like an asshole if you continued to confront them about it. aunts that would scream at their own kids out of nowhere. cousins that either constantly cursed you out, or put you on such a high pedestal that you felt like you were constantly lying to them by just existing. a brother who was the only one out of us to be spared from the fate of growing up prematurely, who I blamed for all the screaming matches he and my mother got into. that one kindergarten teacher that called me patient, for just waiting for her to come back. the friend who made fun of me for not knowing things about gymnastics. a classmate whose mood could turn sour at any moment. a teacher who seemed to hate his job.

i feel like at the very least im owed being allowed to be this fucked up. allowed to be doing shit at school. allowed to hate every adult i am forced to talk to. allowed to not have any hobbies. allowed to fucking choose who i want to spend time with. allowed to learn to fucking say no without feeling guilt. allowed to be stuck in the past. allowed to stay in my room for days, not letting anyone in. allowed some fucking respect even if I refuse to talk.

[m4rkiza]

another headcanon

this feels like a fanfiction but anyway,

leon and raihan is a pretty healthy couple.when theyre in the middle of an argument,if one raise their voice just a bit,the other backs off and suggest to take a few hours,even days to cool down, and then talk about it when theyre calm and is able to think straight to avoid unwanted events.

and currently theyre in the middle of an argument,theres a rising problem in the league,and them being the top trainers with equally great intelligence,  theyre expected to solve it

theyve been arguing because when theyre discussing about how to solve it,theres a ...quite serious disagreement , which led into a debating session,so they decide to have time to think about it by themselves instead of discussing about it,just for a day or two.

but theres another problem rising,which came from a different source, a pokemon breeding centre,theres some issue with dragon type pokemon,leon expect raihan to be the only person whos expected to help,but because leon has 2 on his team,he was asked to help raihan. sadly he cant decline the request. 

theyre in the middle of their “argument” but that doesnt matter of course,since both got an email to help the breeder to solve the pokemon breeding issue,they push their personal problems aside and try to discuss about it,which sadly led into another debating session. both decide to stop and sit down

raihan lets out a sigh “3 days?”

“..sure i guess” leon answer hesitantly,both actually cool off easily and they certainly dont need 3 days to just cool down and think. 3 days without raihan is too long afterall,but leon assume that maybe,he had pushed the wrong buttons and just agree to avoid another conflict,which wont happen.he knows raihan, but he rather not

raihan tilts his head “you look hesitant, 2 days maybe? ive already set up papers to solve the other problem we had,so i guess 2 days is enough,how about you?”

leon looks up to raihan, “i already figure out yesterdays solution too, so... 2 days? then we discuss about the league issue,then suggesting it to the staff?”

raihan nodded “yes,then we discuss about this and gave the result to the pokemon breeding centre”

leon agrees, finally,an agreement.

the next day comes, leon suddenly has an appointment out of nowhere,oleana certainly didnt tell him about this,and now,leon is sorrounded by hellspawns.

hes in the local kindergarten,which is not bad, but this kindergarten hits different,leon has lost count of kids whos trying to stole his cap and pull his cape off. heck,even one kid almost peed on him. 

once hes free from hell,he really wants to reunite with raihan,but theyre on their...relationship break? he doesnt even know what its called because its really rare for them to argue.

but because leon is on the edge of bursting out,he decide to just,take a quick shower to make himself look presentable,and flew to hammerlocke

he arrives at the gym, walking through the hall,being guided by one of the gym trainer,to raihans office. his eyes is already glassy with tears.

he entered raihans office, raihan is there, sitting on the couch with paperworks,he move his head to meet leon,eyes wide when he see a familiar purple hair

“leon? do you want to discuss it now? ive cooled down and i al-”

leon lets out a mewl,a sad one. which surprises raihan. raihan stared at him,brows furrowing,he noticed leons golden eyes were glistening “wait-” he got up,walks his way to leon “dandelion,darling” oh how leon has been craving to be called that, “whats wrong? did i do something-”

“i had a surprise appointment today” leon croak out “i- oleana didnt told me about it-” did he just sob? “i wasnt prepared and we went to a fucking place filled with tiny demonic creatures” he leans in to raihans comforting touch “worst than giratina and darkrai, id prefer to hang out with them rather than those- those kids” leons sobs got more violent “they- they were trying to stole my champion hat and tried to pull of my cape,which almost choked me,dragon” 

raihan concerns starts to grow faster when leon called him dragon,since leon only use that particular nickname when he feels unsafe or when hes super stressed out. 

“i- i almost cried in place, i was tired for- figuring out the solutions and we had 2 debate in a span of one week, we, we rarely argue dragon,” leons grip on raihans arm got tighter,”those kids” raihan can see pure fear in leons eyes “hit the spot,one- one of them almost peed on me raihan,im glad one of the teacher grab them fast enough,i wouldnt know what id do if that actually happened”

raihan hold leon tight,then make him to sit down on the couch, leon didnt let go of raihan when raihan wanted to take a cup of water, he asked raihan to stay and hold him more, raihan cant blame him,that kindergarten IS basically hell and he doesnt understand how the teacher can withstand those tiny demons, this week has been hectic too,he cant blame leon really,he felt bad about initiating one of the debates but,i guess that doesnt matter anymore when theyve found the solutions.

leon is now on his lap,hugging raihan by the shoulder sobbing quietly. all raihan can do is hugging leon back,making sure he feels safe. 

after the sobbing had died down,raihan asks leon

“lee?baby?” raihan calls out, leon lets out a mumble, “let me handle the pokemon breeding issue yeah? its about dragon type afterall,i can do it myself,im just gonna take your typed out suggestions and take care of it by my own,about the league issue,lets just combine our solution and come with a neutral conclusion, is that okay darling? or do you want to discuss about it tomorrow? we can stay in my place if you want”

leon slowly repositioned his body to face raihan,he nodded “yeah, okay,ill let you take care of the breeding centre,but dont overwork yourself raihan, about the league,lets just combine our solutions,it does feels irresponsible though,they expect us-”

“leon,my dearest,lets think about YOU for awhile,the league aint shit,my love,how do you feel about it?” raihan cuts off

“...i..personally,i dont want too..” leon looks down, he wants to give the best for the league,but raihan is right,he needs to prioritize himself just for tonight,so he can give the best to the region tomorrow morning

“there you go,now- let me just-” raihan proceed to carry leon, as if hes a baby,leon just dont give a single fuck at this point,he just want to sleep like a rock for 8 hours,he leaned and put his head near raihans neck,looping his arm around raihans shoulder tighter,hes grateful raihan is big and strong enough to carry a 80kg bulky man like he is

“dragon,love” leon mumbled right next to raihans ear, “im..sorry i initiated the breeding center debate,i .. i shouldnt even argue with you,you knew so much more”, raihan kissed leons head, “no worries baby,i dont mind,you are a bit...selfish sometimes,but its okay,its not like im far from that either,since im the one who started to argue about the league issue,despite me not knowing much about it,im sorry about that too”

leon answered “so we good?”

raihan smiled, “always been”

leon hugged raihan tighter and closed his eyes,trusting his dragon that he will take care of him,when leon opened his eyes,hes already in a familiar place,raihans apartment,to be more specific,hes on the bed,wearing one of raihans t-shirt and...his own pajama pants? raihan is currently putting socks on his left feet,raihan noticed that his prince has woke up, “go back to sleep,ill keep you safe,i wont let rose or oleana to put their hands on you” leon looked at him “but how about you?im not gonna have a day off tomorrow if youre not sitting next to me,whats the point of a single day off if 1 of my favorite person isnt there next to me?”

raihans got surprised “wait how did you know i told them to give you a day off?” leon smiled “instinct”

raihan chuckled while crawling to the bed,setting himself next to leon, “i didnt enter hell today so i dont need one” he teased, leon hugs raihan by the waist,giving it a firm grip “raihan my precious dragon, love,sweetheart,im begging you to stay, please,im not fully sane yet,i need you to keep me on the ground,and dont commit a genocide,raihan pleaaase,do your work at home-” raihan cuts him off “no! you’d help me with it! you need to rest,prince!” raihan answered with a laugh, leon tighten his grip “but i need you! how can you leave me alone and insane like this! how dare you!” leon said,mimicking his voice to sound like a dramatic damsel in distrest

raihan obeys,of course he will,hes actually on the edge too,the breeders are plain out stupid and its no wonder that the dragon type mons had an issue,they shouldve put the baby on HIS breeding center instead,he knows well about it anyway,who the heck brought the baby dragons there?! not to mention how they act like they know more than raihan,the dragon tamer,the only certified dragon type specialist in the whole region. raihan was so fed up,the paperwork from the gym arent helping either,he got 3 helping hands and it overwhelms them all,he guess he should give the whole gym trainer just a single day break to sleep the whole day and get themselves charge. and so he did,he typed out a short email to all the gym trainers,that they will have a day off tomorrow,

leon smiled in satisfaction as raihan typed out the email on his phone,he knew raihan was close to murder someone too,,but knowing raihan,he wont take a day off if leon told him too. but raihan WILL do it,if leon beg raihan to stay with him,hes concerned about it and might talk about it, that he should prioritize himself and not his lover,but not definitely not now,nor later.someday probably.

after raihan sent the emails,he turned off the bedside lamp, and proceed he put his head on leons plump chest, “alright,nighty night prince,i love you”

leon put his hand on top of raihans head,petting it gently“night dragon,i love you too”

then they sleep. 

[pbandjesse]

I know I like to say that days are emotional mixed bags, roller coasters, and such. But its true!! Like I know they arent huge things, but it feels like my emotions are all over the place and stuff. It is just. A lot. And it wasnt even a bad day. But man was there stressful parts. 

I slept alright. But I somehow got my belly button ring stuck on something in the night and woke myself up because it hurt. So I had to take that out half asleep. It was an alright sleep. 

I woke up fully after James left for work. I got an email that I made a sale on my website?? So strange! I was excited. But then I saw what they ordered. We made a mistake on the website set up and the person bought something that already sold. I was so upset. I tore the closet apart trying to find it before I realized. So I was really upset. I was like half getting pretty and then going to look again and I was just a mess. 

But I was like. I should make more bears anyway. I want to get back into it. I miss my store. I miss making products. I was really proud of it and it sucks that the last two jobs Ive taken have caused me to lose all energy for the store I loved. So I am going to try to at least make stuff. Even if I suck at the advertising part. 

I sent an email to the customer to ask if it was okay for me to make them a new one in the same fabric, which I thankfully still had. They wouldn asnwer for a few hours (they are on the other side of the country) and were totally okay with it so I can feel better about that. But we would have to fix the website to make everything a 1 of a kind thing. James spearheaded that for me. Cause they are a great partner. 

Before they got home I spent some time cutting out bears from my new pattern. I got 7 bears cut out and I am very happy with the new pattern, its much faster. And I made one bear so I could make a video. I was very pleased though. I am excited to make more fuzzy bears honestly. Like even though its a mess its fun and I love how they look. I might try to add pattern fabrics as details, but for now Im going to focus on the fuzzies. 

James would come home and I would make a little lunch. And then, even though I very very much didnt want to, I went to work. 

And it was okay. It wasnt great. It wasnt super interesting. I mostly read and spent every 5 minutes telling my youngest kid to pay attention to his teacher. It was very annoying but also I cant blame him. Its to much to ask from a little guy and my other kindergarteners dont have that kind of day. I did feel like a monster when I accidentally pinched his finger between a chair and a table. But I hugged on him and he was fine. 

We made bean shakers for the project today and I read them The Velveteen Rabbit. Which I always loved. And really I just wanted to clean the room and be alone. And eventually I got that. 

We ended the day in the gym. I cleaned. Headed down and talked to Travis while the kids ran around. Eventually we went upstairs to watch a movie and I kept reading. 

I was very glad to go home. And as I was leaving once all the kids were picked up I ran into Marshal from Access Art!! It was so nice to see him. They are expanding to two more schools in the fall. So that's exciting. I said I was looking to not be in the classroom as much but to keep me in mind and he said he would email me as the year went on. We stood outside and talked a bit and it was nice. Just a nice little moment. 

 I headed home and ran into Mr Will outside. We talked for a bit, about work and stuff. It was nice to see him. He is trying to make our yard look more alive, which I appreciate.

James was dealing with a swollen eye and a red face. No idea what is up, but I think theyre developing allergies. I hope not. But they had made me popcorn and we hung out and made a plan to order dinner. We laid on the couch while we waited for the food to get here. 

After dinner I worked in the studio for a while. I accidently broke my needle on my machine. And then discovered it was my last one. I was super upset. I ended up hand sewing though and got two done, and started a 3rd. I hope to get a new needle soon but I dont mind hand sewing to much, its just slow. 

But now I am sitting on the couch in the new dress that came in the mail tonight. And I think it is time to get a shower and get some sleep. Lets wish tomorrow is nice. And I dont feel to bad. I need to be okay so I can take care of James after they get their second vaccine. I hope they dont feel to bad. 

Sleep good everyone. Take care of yourselves. 

[robinskalechip]

home - chapter ten

robin buckley x reader

a/n: thank you for all of the positive feedback :) it means a lot

warnings: language, light smut

masterlist

not my gif!

chapter ten - at your own will

sofia and robin had spent the last two weeks getting to know each other more and more. sofia took robin to school and picked her up and hung out with her at the store on the days she wasn’t with the kids. once they found out about her going to see the byers they all immediately begged to go with, turning it into a full fledged family trip as long as they didn’t ruin the surprise that they were going which only joyce knew about. they had to push it back a week from its original date though because they had an av event that weekend and sofia would never pull her children from their passion.

it was the friday evening before they all went on the trip and sofia had gone to drop off food for steve and robin. steve’s only concern was the tacos he had in front of him while robin had other things on her mind. as much as she saw sofia, she remembered how much she missed her.

she missed her touch

robin watched as steve was munching on his four large tacos until she redirected her attention to sofia, motioning her to follow her

robin led sofia into the storage room which housed supplies of all varieties

sofia walked in to have robin close the door immediately after her entering

“what are we doing here-“

she was cut off by robin slamming her lips into hers, pushing her again the now closed door

robin reached her hand behind the other girl’s body and found the doorknob, locking it

the kiss was heated and passionate and only intensified as robin pushed harder and moved towards sofia’s neck

the two had only ever made out a lot and i mean a lot like every single time robin goes to sofia’s apartment they make out like its nobody’s business sofia was more experienced than robin and was making it her mission to take things slow with her, she didn’t want this one to be like any of the other relationships she had been in. and she told robin this, their entire relationship past their first sober kiss was handled with perfect communication on each party. robin was just a horny teenager and was constantly wanted to touch the girl she had been spending so much time with

robin kissed the other girl’s neck and they both tried to keep quiet. sofia smiled as robin “worked her magic” so to speak, causing a small moan to escape from sofia’s lips, “come over tonight”

robin stopped, looking at the other girl, “for-?”

sofia nodded

robin smiled and kissed her once more before pulling back, “can’t wait”

the two kissed a few more times before they opened the door to see steve standing there with a mouth full of tacos haha “mike is here”

he was still only focused on the taco cutie

robin and sofia were slightly blushing as they walked past steve and saw mike standing behind the counter

“just wanted to stop by and call shot gun for tomorrow”

robin quickly stepped towards him in a defensive way “uh no, front seat is mine”

mike protested “sofia? tell her its mine”

sofia enjoyed seeing robin interact with the kids “rob gets the front seat kid”

mike started to storm out of the store as sofia yelled “7 O CLOCK DONT BE LATE IF YOU WANT TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND AS POSSIBLE”

the three older ones laughed as he stormed off, robin said she’d meet sofia at her apartment after work so they parted ways for those next few hours

once the end of steve and robin’s shift ended, robin started to get her bike before steve offered to take her home. she warned him that she was going to sofia’s and that she just needed to drop by her house for clothes and he still insisted.

on the ride robin began talking to steve about sofia, “you know i really cannot for the life of me understand how and why sofia was friends with you and all of them”

steve began to talk in a playfully defensive tone, “listen her and i, were practically married in kindergarten”

robin laughed, “you’re kidding”

“nope nope not at all, our parents were convinced we would date later on but just never happened. we saw each other almost every day our entire childhood’s and never once even kissed or anything, guess i wasn’t her type”

robin laughed to herself, seeinf the irony

steve laughed, “she wasn’t even friends with them, she was just friends with me. she HATED tommy more than anything and she said she wanted to knock carol out every time she opened her mouth but it was ok because she was cool with me”

robin smiled thinking back to a rant sofia had about how much tommy h annoyed her

“she made me a better person rob..it was different when she left”

robin furred her brows, “why did you stop being that person?”

“i was angry and confused and cared more about my reputation than actually talking about how i felt so i went on to being a douchebag”

“did you love her steve?”

“yes. she was like a sister to me. she still is but i got over her leaving and i still don’t know why exactly she left but i trust her. she knows better than any of us do”

once they arrived at robin’s house, she ran up to her room and grabbed the bag she had packed the night before and placed some extra clothes in for the night

steve and robin continued to talk about some of his happiest memories with sofia

once they got to sofia’s apartment, robin thanked steve for the ride and off he went to hang out with the boys aka mike lucas and dustin

robin knocked on the door and on the other side she heard yelling “ITS OPEN”

she opened the door to find sofia in the kitchen

she had on small shorts and a pullover sweatshirt with the name “illuminous” sewed onto the pocket area in a small font

the beautiful girl was also occupied by her thin framed glasses and her hair up slightly, as much as her hair could go up because of how short it was

she was stirring a pot as she told robin “you can put a movie in if you want”

robin nodded before approaching the girl to kiss her neck and then whisper “that smells good” in the pot was a small portion of pasta, just enough for two

sofia turned her face to meet robin’s and kiss her gently, “stop distracting me freckles”

after eyeing the cuisine a little longer, robin went a found one of her favorite film, a streetcar named desire which she knew was also one of sofia’s favorites so she started to set it up as sofia called her into the kitchen and asked her to get plates and what not set

domestic

robin set the table and poured two cups of italian cream soda

once the pasta was finished, sofia placed the pot onto the table and admired her work to then turn to robin “if it blows i’m blaming linda”

the two ate and talked, tonight’s topics were whether or not truman capote was in love with perry smith, how long lucas and max would last until their next fight, and what movie genre was the best

after they ate, robin layed on the couch taking up almost every inch before sofia made her way to the area, giving robin a displeased look “you left me zero room rob”

robin looked at her and scooted slightly into the couch’s back cushion

sofia walked towards the television and took out the movie, “fine, we can watch it in the bedroom”

robin got up and followed sofia into the singular bedroom of the apartment and jumped onto the bed as sofia put in the movie and quickly followed robin into the bed

they cuddled right away bc softies

about an hour into the movie robin looked at sofia as she was watching to movie closely, even though she could feel robin’s eyes on her and began to laugh “what?”

robin smiled at her, “nothing, you’re just..”

sofia looked at her, “im just what?”

robin didn’t even finish her sentence before going to kiss the other girl who had previously claimed her shoulder as hers before pulling away to finish the mystery “you’re beautiful sof”

sofia smiled into the next kiss “you’re not so bad yourself buckley”

robin’s hands found their way to sofia’s neck as she deepened the kiss and positioned herself onto sofia’s lap

robin took off her shirt to reveal the black bra she had worn to which brought out a “holy shit” from sofia as she continued to kiss robin and quickly began to move to her neck. although it was intense as things began to escalate more and more, robin felt safe and was aware if she felt uneasy at any time sofia would respect her take notes

sofia pulled away from her neck to then place one more gentle kiss to robin’s lips before whispering,

“anche tu sei bella you’re beautiful too”

next chapter

[watchmegetobsessed]

Crush // Shawn Mendes mini-series part 2

part 2 wohoooo!! this is honestly such a cute story i love writing it, im currently finishing the last part so i’ll probably update very soon!

part 1

masterlist

The awkwardness soon vanishes. This clear new chapter we just opened with Shawn allows me to loosen up and just enjoy a nice evening. Aaliyah and Eric seems satisfied with the outcome, the parents seem to hit it off quite easily and when we leave they already start making plans for another meetup.

“It was so nice meeting you!” Karen sighs happily as she hugs goodbye to all of us.

“You too, email me that recipe you told me about!” Mom points at her and she nods her head laughing.

I’m just about to step out of the house when Aaliyah grabs my wrist and pulls me back. I look at her with furrowed eyebrows.

“I need your help with a little something. Can you come over sometime tomorrow?” she whispers confidentially.

“Um, yeah. Around what time?” I ask.

“Three pm?”

“Sure,” I smile at her and she lets go of me.

On the way back home I’m thinking about what Aaliyah could need help with and the only thing I have in mind is Eric’s birthday that is on the 29th. She must be planning something special for him.

I call Maddi around midnight when I’m already in my pj’s, but I know she must be still up, maybe even drunk. For my surprise, she answers the phone quite modestly.

“How was the family union?” she asks chewing on something. I throw the cushions off of my bed and crawl under the blanket.

“Um, very interesting,” I chuckle closing my eyes and just shaking my head at the thought of the evening.

“Uh, spill the tea!” She cheers clearly very thirsty for some drama, though this story is not as juicy as she would want it.

“Guess who Aaliyah’s brother is!” I say, but I don’t expect an answer so I just continue. “Shawn Effing Mendes.”

“What?! Are you kidding me?” She gasps. “How did Eric forget to tell you this small detail?”

“Apparently, he thought it doesn’t matter to me, which is kind of true, but there is more.”

“What more? Did he hit on you? Because I’m not talking to you again if he did. He is hot!”

“No, he didn’t, but what you don’t know is that we have history.”

“Okay, now I’m confused!? How do I not know about this?”

“Well, remember my ex, Dylan? I told you about him.”

“Yeah, the asshole who cheated on you,” she hums.

“Well, Dylan and Shawn used to be best buds when we started dating, but the guy hated my guts, or so I thought. He was always mean to me, talking against me and just… avoiding me like the plague.”

“I thought he is the nicest person on earth.”

“He might be now, but when I knew him, he treated me like shit. So it was pretty awkward to see him again after all these years.”

“And how did it go? Was he an ass again?”

“No. He was… nice. Well, we both acted awkward in the beginning, I didn’t know if he would continue his act with me, but he turned out to be nice. And then at one point he told me he is sorry for everything in the past and he was just acting like that because he wanted to amuse Dylan.”

I turn to my side and stare out the window.

“That’s good, right? I mean, he grew out that mean phase and he is all good now.”

“Yeah, it’s just still weird to be around someone I knew from my Dylan phase.”

“But it’s Eric who is dating Aaliyah, why would you be constantly around him?”

“Aaliyah asked me to go over tomorrow, I think she is trying to put a surprise together for Eric’s birthday, so I’m spending the afternoon at the Mendes house.”

“Oh, then keep me updated about the details and sneak me a shirtless photo of Shawn please.”

“Maddi!” I scoff laughing. “Why would I even see him shirtless?”

“Maybe he likes wandering around in his home without clothes on, how would I know?!”

“Unbelievable. I’m going to sleep.”

“Bye bitch,” she sighs making me roll my eyes at her smiling.

“Bye.”

  I sleep late the next day, it’s past noon when I actually make it downstairs looking like a real human being. Eric and Dad are watching a documentary on WW II. while Mom is reading the newspaper at the dining table. I join her with a bowl of cereal.

“Do you have any plans for today?” She smiles at me over her narrow glasses as she turns a page. I lean closer hitting a confidential tone.

“I’m helping Aaliyah today, she asked me to go over around three.”

“Oh, birthday surprise for Eric?” she asks clearly excited.

“I think yeah.”

“Great. And you will probably see Shawn again.” Winking at me she puts the papers down.

“Why does that matter?” I ask with my mouth full. She caresses my cheek before standing up and walking over to the sink for some water.

“Isn’t he a nice young man? I think the two of you would look cute together.”

“Mom, you are literally talking about the biggest pop sensation, he is not really the kind of guy who just casually dates,” I say.

In my mind all these celebrities are living their wildest life. Even if I were interested in Shawn in any way, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t even get in the game, he must have thousands of girls waiting for him in line. We are not really on the same page.

“Oh, come on. You guys knew each other in high school, you have a past, that connection must mean something!”

“He was an ass to me!” I blurt it out making her eyebrows raise.

“He was? What did he do?”

“It’s nothing,” I roll my eyes, but Mom gives me a demanding look. “He just didn’t seem to like me no matter what I did, he was avoiding me most of the time when I was with Dylan and also made some pretty rude comments sometimes.”

“Maybe he was into you,” Mom shrugs and I almost choke on the milk.

I start coughing like I’m about to die and my eyes start watering when I’m finally able to breathe evenly again.

“No fucking way!”

“Charlie! Language!” She hisses at me, but there is a smile hiding in her eyes. “You know, young boys tend to do it. They are mean to the girls they like.”

“Mom, it wasn’t in kindergarten, it was ninth grade or something. I think he just really didn’t like me back then and I don’t blame him.” I was annoying, thinking back at it. But hey, all teens are annoying!

“You can never know,” she sighs.

 I totally ignore the theory Mom tried to make me believe, there is absolutely no chance of the nonsense she told me, and this is what I keep telling myself as I’m on my way to the Mendes house.

“Hey!” Aaliyah greets me with a wide smile. She is now wearing some more comfortable clothes than the last two times I saw her, the grey sweats and lose white shirt must be her home wear. “Come in! My parents are out at a friend’s place, and Shawn…” she starts, but just when she is about to finish he appears on the top of the stairs.

“Is here,” he chimes in. I look up and there he is, in a pair of checked pj pants and a black shirt. Looking at it, I think Aaliyah has his shirt on, it seems like the same size.

“Hi,” I smile at him.

“Come, let’s sit.” I follow Aaliyah into the living room and we sit down to the couch next to their Christmas tree. From the corner of my eyes I see Shawn going into the kitchen and for a moment I’m actually disappointed he is not coming with us.

“So. I want to surprise Eric with cooking for him, but I have no idea what. I tried to find out what’s his favorite, but he says it’s his favorite to everything!” she growls frustrated. I shake my head laughing.

“That’s typical.”

“Yeah. So do you have anything in mind?”

“Well, he really like tiramisu. He can eat tons of it, all the time. That’s good for dessert,” I offer. Aaliyah has her phone in her hands and she is typing everything I say down.

“Okay, got it.”

“Um, he likes gazpacho. He thinks it sounds fancy and you know, he likes everything with ketchup, so a soup that tastes like tomato was made for him.”

“Oh yeah, he pours so much ketchup into his sandwiches, it’s crazy,” she rolls her eyes jokingly. “Okay, so gazpacho. Anything else?”

“Um…” I try to think about the times we went to restaurants and Eric got really excited over the food. “Oh, we were once at a place and he ordered grilled mushrooms and he couldn’t stop moaning, it was very embarrassing, but I guess this meant he really liked it.”

“Grilled mushrooms, perfect,” she nods to herself noting everything down. “Do you mind helping me pick out his gift too? I have a few ideas, I want to go into the city and buy it tomorrow, I already looked up some jumpers online, but I can’t really decide.”

“Sure, show me!”

We spend the next thirty minutes scrolling through everything she had saved as a possible gift. She found some really nice ones, her taste is fantastic. As the time is passing I’m starting to feel like I’m with a friend and not with my brother’s girlfriend and I’m just hoping Eric will keep her around for a long time.

She asks me to stay a little bit longer so she can show me the awkward photos she has taken of Erik since they’ve been dating, but she gets a call and excuses herself quickly. I stay there in the living room, looking around a bit, I haven’t really had the chance yesterday, I was too occupied with the situation.

Shawn walks in, this time he has a headband on, keeping his locks back from his face.

Damn, Maddi is right. He is hot.

I shake my head at the thoughts and try to look as casual as possible.

“How is the birthday planning going?” he asks plopping down on the couch next to me.

“Good, Aaliyah basically had everything right, I just had to choose the best options.”

“How crazy is that our younger siblings are dating? I mean, I was thinking about it yesterday, the last time I saw Eric, he was about twelve or something. No wonder why I didn’t recognize him when I met him,” he chuckles and I nod agreeing. Aaliyah changed a lot in the past years too.

“Yeah. Strange that they are not babies anymore. I mean, I’m still mad that Eric is taller than me.”

“Oh I remember how you always wanted to get taller!”

“You remember?” I ask surprised. I used to never stop talking about my height, later I accepted my fate.

“Yeah, I remember once you told Dylan how you want to wear the highest heels to the dance so you two can be the same height.”

I laugh at the memory. I remember it too, it was quite early in our relationship and Dylan asked me out for the Halloween dance. I wanted to look taller and told Dylan I would wear heels. Of course, I ditched the plan as I found out how uncomfortable they are and ended up wearing my Converse.

“And at the end I looked like a punk princess with my Converse and mini skirt,” I scoff at the thought of my outfit for that night.

“I think you looked pretty,” Shawn says and I look at him. I catch his small smile before he shakes his head clearing his throat. What the Hell? “High school feels so far away, right?” he quickly says.

“Um, well for you I guess, for me… not really,” I chuckle shaking my head. “Your life got turned upside down, but not much has happened to me since then.”

“What? I don’t believe you. I’m sure you’ve been having plenty of fun. Parties, dates and everything.”

I can’t help, a sad smile plasters across my face. He can’t be more wrong.

“Not really… I had some rough years after Dylan and I split.”

“Can I ask what happened? I mean, after the split,” he shyly asks.

“Well, since I was a dumb naïve little girl, I needed an entire year before I could even think about getting to know other guys. Now it all just seems like the biggest bullshit. I shouldn’t have cared that much. And I’m not a fan of partying, I only go out on birthdays and maybe New Year’s Eve,” I shrug. Maddi has been trying to boost me up a bit, she attempts to drag me out every month or so, but I’m really not that kind of type. I thought I was, when I was with Dylan, he was a popular guy, I kept going to these lame parties with him in the last year of our relationship, but I never really enjoyed them. Shawn was long gone by then.

“I’m sorry Dylan played you so bad.”

“It’s fine, I mean, not your fault,” I chuckle. “But what happened to you and him?”

He sighs scratching the back of his neck.

“Not sure, I guess we grew apart and I realized that he is an ass. When I became a private student we kept in touch, but I met new people and I saw how different a friendship can be, so… I cut him off, I guess.”

“Did you guys fight?”

“Not really,” he shakes his head. “Well, we had one last very awkward phone call when I was in Atlanta, if I remember right. It was forced and… just awkward, really,” he chuckles shaking his head.

“And your life has been better since Dylan is out of it, right?” I grin at him.

“Yeah, you must know about it.”

I laugh nodding. I know everything about it!

Before I could even think about what I’m saying, my mouth just opens and the words roll down.

“The only good thing I got from my relationship with Dylan is that I know you now.”

My eyes widen and I wish I could take it back.

“I- uh I mean…”

I don’t even know why I’m so nervous suddenly, I didn’t even tell much. But for some reason, I can feel myself blushing.

“I meant that he basically ruined my senior year and I needed so much time to get myself over him, but at least now we can talk like, normal people,” I quickly add somehow saving the situation.

“What do you mean he ruined your senior year?” he asks with furrowed eyebrows and I’m happy he didn’t get caught up on what I said before that.

“Well, he successfully made me push all my friends away, leaving me totally alone when we broke up.”

“Wait, what? How about that friend of yours, um… I don’t remember her name, you always sat together at lunch.”

“Rochelle. Oh Dylan played us dirty. He told me Rochelle keeps hitting on him and being my dumb naïve self I believed him and not her. We had this huge fight and I called her a bitch. No wonder why she didn’t care about me when I was alone in the last couple of months of senior year.”

“Ouch, that sounds horrible. I’m sorry he did that.”

“Why did we even like Dylan in the first place?” I ask laughing to myself. It still bothers me how blind I was, I wish I could just shake myself.

“I have no idea!” He sighs rolling his eyes. “I’m sorry your senior year got fucked up, I wish I could be there to have lunch with you.”

I turn to him and swear to God he is blushing! And it is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I feel the urge to touch him, anywhere, to take his hand in mine, but I stop myself.

“That’s… nice. Thank you,” I whisper touched.

As I’m staring at him I realize this is probably the closest I’ve ever been to him. I wonder how many girls want to be in my position, they see the popstar, the heartthrob from the stage, while all I see is the guy who used to be mean to me in high school but now we are friendlier than ever. I could never see him as a celebrity.

“Okay, so I found some- Oh am I bothering?” Aaliyah walks into the room with her phone in her hands and she is giving me a knowing look. I quickly clear my throat turning away from Shawn.

“No, you girls just… do your thing. I have to make a few calls.”

Shawn jumps up from the couch patting his sister’s shoulder before walking out of the room. Aaliyah takes his place, still grinning.

“What?” I ask her playing dumb.

“You guys… I felt the sparkle,” she says wiggling her eyebrows.

“What sparkle? Aaliyah, you see everything in pink because of my brother.”

“Oh stop, don’t tell me you don’t like him.”

“I don’t know him,” I say truthfully. “The last time I saw him I was dating a douche and he was also being a douche to me. I can’t tell if I like him, because I don’t know his new self.”

“But you seem to get along with him pretty well and I’m sure you are attracted to him.”

“I’m not talking about this with you, you are his sister!” I gasp feeling myself blushing again.

“Whatever. But I think you two would look cute together.”

I refuse to carry on with the conversation about me and Shawn and Aaliyah fortunately doesn’t force it on me. I leave the Mendes house around five, Aaliyah thanks me the help and I can’t help but feel disappointed I don’t see Shawn anywhere when I’m leaving. Aaliyah’s speech about me and Shawn is slowly getting to me.

By dinner, all my thoughts are racing around him and soon I find myself stalking his social media profiles. I knew he is very famous, but seeing the numbers on his pages makes me gasp. Millions of people are following him, waiting for him to post anything. The last photo he uploaded to his Instagram is with his family, Karen and Manny are smiling proudly into the camera while Shawn and Aaliyah are messing around next to them. Before I could realize what I’m doing I double tap the picture liking it.

“Oh shit,” I suck my breath in. I hesitate, but then I realize how dumb this is. He must be getting millions of notes every minute, he won’t see this.

Gaining some confidence from this, I decide to follow him and continue my stalking session. I’m a few months deep into his profile when I get a notification. Opening the tab my eyes widen.

shawnmendes followed charlieprkr

I guess I was wrong about the notification getting lost. A moment later I see that he has liked two of my photos.

One was taken on a family vacation. Eric and I are posing at the beach, I have a red swimsuit on and the wind is blowing my wavy blonde hair that was so much lighter back than from all the sunshine. The other one is a picture Maddie took of me last month. I’m sitting in our armchair with a mug of tea in my hands, smiling shyly at the camera. We had Christmas lights in the window and the lights made me look colorful in the photo.

I’m just about to put the phone down and go to bed when I get a dm. I’m not surprised to see Shawn’s username, but I definitely get excited.

shawnmendes I’m happy I’m not the first one to accidentally like your photo, though I was minutes away from that haha

I smile at the message rolling my eyes.

charlieprkr Ha. Ha. I was hoping I can easily hide in the millions of your followers.

shawnmendes You could have, if only I weren’t stalking your profile as well. Fate?

charlieprkr I guess.

My fingers linger across the keyboard, trying to think of something else to write and keep the conversation up, but nothing comes to my mind. I almost give up when I get another message from him.

shawnmendes I’m in a nostalgic mood, I want to have a walk in the neighborhood, around our school tomorrow. Would you like to join me?

My smile grows wider than ever reading his lines.

charlieprkr Totally.

shawnmendes Great! Sometime around 4 pm?

charlieprkr Perfect. Where?

shawnmendes I’ll meet you at your house and we’ll go from there.

charlieprkr Then see you tomorrow!

shawnmendes Yeah, good night Charlie.

[letitallg0]

It’s wild thinking back to people I was so close with at one point

Like literally this one girl who lived like around the corner/down the street was really close to me for years and it suddenly ended for like, no reason. And the only things I ever hear about her or see is she’s struggling with addiction and her relationship and going through rehabs and I just feel so bad. Idk what happened but I could’ve been there for you. I heard ur voice on a recording and I heard your laugh and it made me realize how much I miss you and miss that time. we had so much fun and it’s crazy how abruptly it ended and was gone.

I also miss my one guy friend who lived up the street, I literally hung out w/ him every single day. Did everything together. We were in bands together, built stuff together, played house, played outside everyday and honestly it was the best time of my life. I miss everyone in the neighborhood coming out to play games like baby in the air or dodgeball or baseball etc. it was so fun. But, I haven’t seen or talked to him in years and it’s because when I went to high school he was still in middle school and I kind of made friends in my grade so I started to get busier and we didn’t see each other as much and then he moved a block away instead of on the street and like we lost connection. At one point I remember I’d die for that kid. I was told by people that he’s gonna take care of me one day, that he’s always gonna be there to help me out etc. and it’s crazy to think I haven’t talked to him now in years, but he only lives down the street... as a stranger.

I also miss another girl who I was really close with who I still talk to every now and then - been a while though. But she also lived on my street with her brothers and she could be mean to me a lot but I always went back to her. Playing the color or movie game, king of the hill, coloring, going to CN, when the Phillies won we ran up and down my street, idk there’s sooo much but she’s the ONLY friend that I will still call my friend to this day that I have talked to the longest, ever since about kindergarten to 1st grade. We might not be close af and hang out but we NEVER lost touch. We were always able to talk when we saw each other and connect no matter how much time went by. I miss her. She’s getting married soon and I probably won’t be going/invited to the wedding but I honestly don’t mind, I’m happy for her

Then there’s the obvious girl who I miss with my whole entire heart. Who I loved, like a god damn sister. The one who was just like me, who I saw myself in, who I spent almost every day with from 3rd grade to around high school. The girl who I thought I’d have forever, who completed me. This sounds weird af and in the wrong way but she was my BEST friend. I loved her to death and we did literally everything together. There was a point where my parents made me stay home for a couple days cause I would never leave her house. Obviously shit hit the fan and were not friends and never will be close like that agai, but I’ll always miss her from afar. I’ll miss who she was, i miss her laugh, I miss all of or & if I could I would go back and change everything that happened even though it won’t change the fact because we stil leouldve ended up not being friends, I would . I miss that time and I know she might not admit it but I think she does too

There’s another person I should mention. The first girl I ever truly loved in a more then friends way. I don’t care how young I was, I don’t care that people say “it doesn’t count because you were so little, it meant nothing”. It did mean something, and stuff did happen, and I dont care about age. I loved that girl. I only want to mention her because even besides all of the relationship stuff that happened, she was a great friend. She was loyal. She stuck to her promises. She did so much for me and cared so Much for me . We had a lot of fun, I mean I got into some bad shit that wasn’t good but it was fun and I don’t regret it at all. After “us” ended, we were still friends and talked but it slowly died as time went on and then she moved away. I wish we still talked, there was never really bad blood, it just kind of ended. And tbh ever since then when I did see her we’d say hi but it’s just kind of awkward, and I feel scared and I get like anxiety filled. I miss her though.

There’s a couple other people I could mention. Some of which make me really sad because I always felt like it was my fault. I know now I was young and dumb and weird and it’s just who I was and yeah it might’ve been me being the reason why but I wish I could just talk to them one more time like I used to. A lot of them are girls. Girls who I was really close with for short amounts of time who I thought I’d still be with today, but I haven’t seen or talked to them in years. I mean they were kind of bitches but, I’ll always still miss them.

One more person I need to bring up because it honestly broke my heart. There was a boy I hung out with a lot for a while, who lived a block or 2 away around the corner & I liked him for a while and he liked me and we would talk a lot and oovoo all the time but besides a 1 time little thing, we were always strictly close friends. I told him everything, and at the time I was going through a lot of bad shit including depression & i would write some stuff in notebooks to help make me feel better etc and I tried to talk to him about it and he wanted to read my notebooks. So I let him.. & he took it home and read them, left it back in my mailbox and told me he can’t do this, can’t be friends. Ever since, he never really talked to me ever again. And I always felt like I shouldn’t have let him read it but I thought maybe he could help but instead he left me.. and we just comepletelt stopped talking. He’s only a year younger then me so I watched him grow up with his new friends and all of the stuff he was in at school I’d see him do and I always just want to walk over and talk to him or say hi but I could never get myself too. I haven’t talked to him in so long and I really miss how close we were. He was a good friend and even though it sounds fucked up that he stopped talking to me I don’t blame him, I had a lot going on and it was a lot to deal w/. But I miss him, and I always will.

I’ve been through so many close friends idk why I kept trying. they all leave eventually, and most believe it was my fault and that’s okay. It probably was and is but that doesn’t erase our memories. I’ll always love them somewhere in my heart and I won’t forget them, I just hope maybe sometimes they think of me too. And maybe, just maybe, they miss me.

[quackspot]

imagine someone just going 1-200 and you have to answer 200 questions for a stranger

well u better strap up becuase im about to do it

200: My crush’s name is: i dunno who do u think my crush’s name is199: I was born in: a year which is 2004198: I am really: a homo sapien197: My cellphone company is:  i think its samsung196: My eye color is: brown195: My shoe size is: 9 or 9.5 i think just 9194: My ring size is: WAIT RINGS HAD SIZES????? i dunno193: My height is: 5′4 ISH but i just say 5′4 because im actually really sensitive about my height and the less than an inch that brings me to 5′4 makes me somewhat happier with myself192: I am allergic to: maybe dustmites 191: My 1st car was: not yet190: My 1st job was: NOT YET189: Last book you read: technically a book called Dad Jokes theyre really funny jokes but if you mean story with plot then probably Grand & Humble unless if you include everything then yesterday i peeked in some books188: My bed is: a bed which i sleep in and that’s pretty much it actually i havent really made my bed in a while 187: My pet: jax and nibsy r the family pets jax is a shih-poo shihtzu poodle mix and nibsy is a cat186: My best friend: my brother185: My favorite shampoo is: shampoo184: Xbox or ps3: hard choice there’s xbox overall and little big planet this is actually a very hard choice lksiiro3jedsklmf,gsda little big planet is great........................183: Piggy banks are: piggy banks. theyre great182: In my pockets: I DONT HAVE POCKETS IM A WOMAN181: On my calendar: whats a calendar lol!!!!180: Marriage is: marriage 179: Spongebob can: dodod od odo dodooo178: My mom: IS GREAT i lov her shes a good mom177: The last three songs I bought were? i dont buy songs i listen to them176: Last YouTube video watched: i mean im listening to boyfriend big time rush on youtube right now but if you mean actual watching its snufkin saying “hi moomin” to moomin a quick 6 second clip175: How many cousins do you have? i duno174: Do you have any siblings? yeah173: Are your parents divorced? yeah172: Are you taller than your mom? probably not :(171: Do you play an instrument? i play the trumpet i did it today and it was really boring i dont want to go to any more graduations not even my own170: What did you do yesterday? things[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: not really but somewhat and i like it because its a fun little thing to put in fiction 168: Luck: yea im very lucky167: Fate: its my destiny to die someday . . .. .  in the futuuuuuuuuuuure

166: Yourself: as far as im aware no165: Aliens: yeah probably164: Heaven: i know it probably isnt real but i cant help believing163: Hell:i know it probably isnt real but i cant help believing162: God: only to blame them for stuff161: Horoscopes: yea theyre fun to read160: Soul mates: ehehehehehhe fun in fanfiction and would greatly b ok with it irl159: Ghosts: who else would hold my hand at night...... not even a ghost :) (but yea i do believe in them when i grow up i wana be a ghost)158: Gay Marriage: why wouldnt i believe in gay marriage 157: War: what is it good for156: Orbs: borb155: Magic: i like magic so i will believe in it [ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: yes153: Drunk or High: probably high i guess152: Phone or Online: ONLINE151: Red heads or Black haired: black haired 150: Blondes or Brunettes: BRUNETTES dude blondes r ok but i personally like darker hair149: Hot or cold: hot148: Summer or winter: SUMMER I HATE WINTER SO FUCKIGNT OASJKU*($@IRWJKOSDIUOKLJEZUDIFLK:LDSK:LKF:LJIODSKZVDJFKL mostly becuase i hate being cold and i hate snow becuase i have to shovel snow and its so cold147: Autumn or Spring: either one 146: Chocolate or vanilla: choc o late145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: apples143: Curly or Straight hair: curly but i guess straight is ok142: McDonalds or Burger King: burbger king good milkshakese141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: idk uhh milk chocolate140: Mac or PC: pc139: Flip flops or high heals: neither......138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: ugly and rich i can just buy surgeries to make me prettier lmao137: Coke or Pepsi: coke136: Hillary or Obama: i dont wanna answer this :(((((( i dont like being bullied135: Burried or cremated: cremated babye put me in the flames ;3c134: Singing or Dancing: i like singing i like dancing i like trains 133: Coach or Chanel: what132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who are these people131: Small town or Big city: im just a mere small town babye ;3c big cities sound scary 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target has the good cheeseballs129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: i only know adam sandler128: Manicure or Pedicure: i dont do my nails 127: East Coast or West Coast: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh both are coasts126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday i get more gifts then uwu125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: disney because idk what six flags is isnt it a restaurant or something123: Yankees or Red Sox: a baseball bat [ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: what is it good for!121: George Bush: idk 120: Gay Marriage: yeah gay rights119: The presidential election: im not that into politics so i dont understand the elections and i dont think their fair since i get all my facts from adam ruins everything this isnt even a joke118: Abortion: pro choice i dont giv a crap about some lifeless baby. its only alive if it can properly move its arms or cry or feel.117: MySpace: haha dead116: Reality TV: idk 115: Parents: theyre parents 114: Back stabbers: ow my back113: Ebay: website.... money112: Facebook: lizard man111: Work: what110: My Neighbors: idk who they are but my old neighbor was one of my best friends i should talk to him this summer109: Gas Prices: probably too high108: Designer Clothes: clothes107: College: something i dont plan on going to any time soon106: Sports: something i dont plan on doing any time soon105: My family: a family104: The future: spooky. very scary. idk what my job will be[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: idk (update it was today)102: Last time you ate: 4:13 ish i made ramne101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: i duno100: Cried in front of someone: today i suppose i almost cried???? maybe my dentist appointment a few weeks ago??99: Went to a movie theater: lego movie 2 i think98: Took a vacation: 6th grade im in 9th grade now its been like 3 years97: Swam in a pool: over 1 year i dont go to the pool anymore96: Changed a diaper: NEVER AND I NEVER PLAN ON IT95: Got my nails done: i duno94: Went to a wedding: i also dunno its been too long93: Broke a bone: not that i can recal92: Got a peircing: never and never will91: Broke the law: i duno90: Texted: just now i told my mommy to pick me up it wasl ike 1 hour ago[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: me88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my momy and nibsy and jax and probably zach but he’d already move out by the time i leave87: The last movie I saw: i dont remember probably lego movie 2 or osmething on tv86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: next year drama club85: The thing im not looking forward to: dying?????? idk man 84: People call me: moto moto (not really idk what they call me)83: The most difficult thing to do is: the most difficult thing82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never though i probs will someday81: My zodiac sign is: aquarius sun leo moon aries rising80: The first person i talked to today was: probably kiley79: First time you had a crush: kindergarten i think78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: myself77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: idk76: Right now I am talking to: nobody 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: *has a crisis over my future plans as i do not know*74: I have/will get a job: im gona work at target or burger king next year maybe it depends on if they like me73: Tomorrow: 5/20..............72: Today: today71: Next Summer: in a theater near u70: Next Weekend: my first summer weekend 69: I have these pets: I ALREAD YSAID WHAT PETS I HAVE I LOVE NIBSY WITH ALL MY HEART and jax with some extra parts of my heart68: The worst sound in the world: a sound67: The person that makes me cry the most is: me66: People that make you happy: me65: Last time I cried: ealier today64: My friends are: online63: My computer is: on62: My School: is a school61: My Car: nonexistent 60: I lose all respect for people who: are really mean and seem to hate people for being happy. people who make jokes that make me uncomfortable. i generally avoid them.59: The movie I cried at was: all of them58: Your hair color is: brown57: TV shows you watch: idk56: Favorite web site: idk probs youtube55: Your dream vacation: nowhere 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: A FEW WEEKS AGO I GOT STITCHES IN MY MOUTH AND IT REALLY HURT UGHGTUERIJOKFLDc53: How do you like your steak cooked: edible52: My room is: a room51: My favorite celebrity is: myslef..... just kidding idk any celebs 50: Where would you like to be: where i am 49: Do you want children: no 48: Ever been in love: hoo ha hoo ha i duno how love feels exactly47: Who’s your best friend: MY BROTHER46: More guy friends or girl friends: guys i think 99% of my friends are my brothers friends so45: One thing that makes you feel great is: being happy44: One person that you wish you could see right now: nobody right now but sometimes kiley43: Do you have a 5 year plan: 5 years??? haha no i only plan on using savings accounts to make a bit more money and MAYBE moving to kiley but idk for sure since i like my parents and my brother and my parents plan on driving around in an rv but idk man moving to another state would be HARD and im kinda lazy and i’d have to get a whole new driver’s license 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no41: Have you pre-named your children: lmao all my ideas are jokes40: Last person I got mad at: probably myslef39: I would like to move to: my bed???????38: I wish I was a professional: personer. talker. socialer. [ My Favorites ]37: Candy: probably snickers or a salted nut roll36: Vehicle: big car. tahoe shape. tahoe size. idk. something like a tahoe thats my only reference35: President: I Don’t Care34: State visited: probably florida its the only one of 3 states i’ve been to33: Cellphone provider: what32: Athlete: WHAT31: Actor: idk 30: Actress: idk29: Singer: not me? me? idk28: Band: taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally hall??? ? ?? ? ?? ? ? ? I DONT KNOWIJ DSKJZLFKSJKLDSHDLfjklskl;fdkl;sfk;laf 27: Clothing store: i legit have like no faves god this is the hardest part26: Grocery store: target probably25: TV show: maybe the simpsons???24: Movie: idk ive seen a lot of movies23: Website: one of them22: Animal: one of them21: Theme park: universal studios20: Holiday: none of them theyre all ok but ??? meh19: Sport to watch: none.18: Sport to play: idk i dont like being competitive but??????? gym class is a fun sport! :)17: Magazine: none of them16: Book: one of them15: Day of the week: wednesday sounds like a good day. maybe sundays. 14: Beach: what13: Concert attended: frankly the only concerts i’ve been to are my own12: Thing to cook: probably ramen11: Food: cheeseballs??????? burger king milkshake, a drink?10: Restaurant: buuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrger kiiiiiiiiiiing?9: Radio station: 101.9 kelo eff emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm8: Yankee candle scent: what7: Perfume: what6: Flower: what5: Color: red or purple4: Talk show host: wha

3: Comedian: i duno2: Dog breed: one of them1: Did you answer all these truthfully?  yeah i tried but i kinda gave up slightly after i came back from a graduation party though i also kind of gave up from the start so

[angelbeats00]

dont reblog please!

sometimes i feel ashamed calling myself a victim. i dont do it often. cocsa often doesnt feel “real” enough, even to me. can the naivety of another underaged individual compare to the sick desire of a manipulative adult? i often feel that it cant

i forgave him and her for many years because they were my friends. my neighbors. he had neglectful parents and was mentally ill, she didnt understand her attraction to the same gender and was told to suppress it or she would be disowned and discarded. i forgave them. i forgave them and i still forgive them

cocsa is confusing. who is the abuser and who is the victim when both are children? is it different when i was 5 and had no idea what was going on and he was 9 and trying to figure things out? when i was 10 and she was 10 and i let her use me because she was my best friend and i grew up to believe people only wanted me because of what i could do and not who i was? is it different? am i the abuser for allowing it? are they traumatized now? is she? does she blame me because i didnt stop her because i didnt understand we shouldnt be like that? 

does my kindergarten teacher think poorly of me for masturbating at naptime because i thought it was “normal” and i had no idea what i was doing? did it ever cross my parents’ mind that bed-wetting at 5 was because of my neighbor, my “big brother figure”? why i got so many UTIs? that my psychotic episode and inability to shower unless one of them stood outside the door was because my friend didnt realize what her roaming hands were truly doing, and couldnt keep them to herself and always always insisted we shower together? did my first gynecologist wonder why i was so afraid of tampons and internal exams, to the point of breaking down in tears and panicking and threatening to sue her?

isnt it my fault too? they didnt know any better and i never stopped them. arent i responsible? 

after all, i still loved them

they were still my friends

theyve forgotten. they were victims too, werent they? were they? 

how come i cant forget?

im not a victim 

im not

when i was 7 i thought it was normal to masturbate at sleepovers. i’m so disgusting, the other girls were there, i had no clue what i was doing i didnt even think it felt good i just thought i had to Every Night i thought it was normal normal normal and they were right there and i abused them because they were right there even if they werent awake im grossgrosgrorosgrsgrossgrossgross! 

its my fault. all my fault. im a hypersexual child im disturbed im disgusting its my fault how could i do that. how could i be like that. i did this i did this i did it was me. i chose it 

i chose to hide under his bed or in his closet for hours so that his friends wouldnt see me when they came over suddenly, or his parents wouldnt wonder why i was there when they came up to check on him. i chose to stand outside in the dark, barefoot in my pajamas, mosquitos flying around me and tears running down my cheeks as i waited for him to come outside and sneak me back in so we could play. i still remember thinking he would protect me. i remember playing marriage. i remember him telling me that married couples have to sleep in the same bed. they have to kiss. they have to 

i chose to let her shower with me, allowed her to touch me and look at me naked and judge my developing figure and touch me more. i chose to sit with her and watch the pornographic videos she would find even though i wanted to run away from it and never see it again. i chose to invite her with me everywhere, to think this was just her way of caring about me and feeling close to me and trusting me. 

i chose this

they manipulated me. but wouldnt it have been easy to say no to another minor? to discourage them? 

i had loving parents who never hurt me. a beautiful family. a happy childhood. i dont deserve to be upset, not the way other victims are. other victims have it much much much worse, how dare i take away from that 

im making this up..... they didnt understand. did they? did they know? how could they know? they were kids too. they couldnt know. could they? would they hurt me like that? did they know it would hurt me? 

nothing makes sense anymore

is my “cocsa” valid? is it even that? was it just my friends experimenting, and i let myself be the guinea pig?

its my fault, isnt it... isnt it?

i love my friends. they didnt mean it. i shouldnt be hurt

[clefairytails]

lesbian tag game

thx for sending me this @redcladsheikah <3 all my lesbian friends should do this too, if you want uwu i’m too lazy to tag like 50 ppl hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh @lebians @tiedyked @talaxian @lesbian-mcelroy @ireallylikecameras 

1: did you ever think you were straight?

not really, i knew i liked girls even as a child. but i did go through multiple periods of trying to convince myself i was straight, needless to say it didn’t work out lol.

2: what’s your favorite element of gay culture?

our sense of humor! it’s amazing that we’re all so funny despite putting up with so much bullshit.

3: are you femme, butch, or neither?

femme! i’ve been looking into femme history lately, bcs the idea that femme is just an aesthetic is a misconception c:

4: do you prefer to date femmes or butches?

tbh every time i declare i have a type i immediately fall for someone that’s the complete opposite of that, so i have no idea. lately i’ve been wanting a goth gf, but i just developed a crush on a prep soooo i’m terrible at self-reflection. this bitch don’t know what she want.

5: what’s the worst part about being a lesbian?

the feeling that there’s a part of you that needs to be fixed, but you can’t do anything about it. it’s like seeing a picture on the wall that’s crooked, but it’s stuck like that and you can’t ever straighten it. or having a hair out of place that keeps sticking up no matter how much you try to gel it down.

6: what’s the best part of being a lesbian?

is women too obvious of an answer? girls are angels and i’d die for all of them

7: how long were you questioning for?

pretty much never, i guess. i had crushes on girls since kindergarten, then in 2nd grade i was told girls could only like boys, so i tried my best to be straight even though in my heart i knew i wasn’t. since i couldn’t make myself like boys, i kinda just ignored the idea of liking anyone at all until middle school, when i found out what the word “lesbian” means online. of course, all the stuff i found about lesbians called us disgusting perverts, so i went through many phases of calling myself literally anything else but a lesbian. i’ve only started using the word lesbian specifically in the last few years, especially since i joined an amazing discord group. i love them so much, they’ve helped me feel so proud of being a lesbian <3

8: what’s the most annoying thing straight people do?

exist. 

jk lmao, i’m honestly not annoyed by straight people, but i like making jokes as if i am. it’s hard to annoy me in general, i’ve got a high tolerance for that type of stuff. if i have to answer, i hate it when strangers (usually straight men) pry into my sex life, but i’m not really annoyed by that as much as i am creeped out.

9: what do you look for in a girl?

vampirism is my only requirement.

10: if you had to marry someone you know right now, who would you choose?

@lebians bcs i feel they’d be the most able to put up with my bullshit. everyone else would kill me on sight. if only @ireallylikecameras was still single, then when we got married we could put together our 50% employee discounts at BK and get infinite food for free, ending world hunger. i think that’s how it works, but also im gay and therefore bad at math.

11: do you have a crush right now?

does being in love count as a crush? if so, then i have three.

12: do you fall in love easily?

i crush easily, and i say i’m in love easily bcs i’m a leo (meaning i need to exaggerate to live), but actually feeling love? only once.

13: is there anyone in your life right now you think you’ll date in the future?

fingers crossed.

14: is there anyone you want to be kissing right now?

at the moment i’m feeling very touch repulsed, so no. but i also go through periods of feeling touch starved, and during those times i’d kiss pretty much anyone lmao.

15: do you think you’ve met your future wife yet?

i don’t know if i want to be married. i hate making commitments.

16: top, bottom, or vers?

i suspect i’m a bottom, but i’m also a virgin with no self awareness about what she wants or likes, so who really knows.

17: is there anyone you wish you could fuck right now?

still feeling touch repulsed, so no. also i have issues with actual real life sex. i always think i want to have sex, but when the situation becomes real, i feel disgusted by it and chicken out. i have no idea if this is some sort of asexuality or internalized lesbophobia. i should probably go to therapy lol.

18: rough or gentle?

rough, in theory. like i said, virgin who doesn’t know what she likes. but as a general rule, i don’t like slowness.

19: how many stereotypes do you fit into?

i’m fat, hairy, make lots of jokes about hating men (at least online, not in real life bcs i dont wanna get stabbed), i sometimes look like a guy,

20: what version of the lesbian flag do you like most? (butch, lipstick, original, etc.)

i like the femme one! i have it as my banner, it’s the lipstick lesbian flag without the lip print. the original flag was so fucking good, too bad it got taken by the terfs. the labrys is such a powerful image, and purple is a good color. also i saw a moon lesbian flag going around, that one is so good.

21: do you have a good gaydar?

hhhh i’d like to pretend i do but tbh i’m not very observant and straight up bad at reading people.

22: be honest, would you rather be straight?

yes and no. i’d rather have been born straight, because it would’ve saved me so much pain, but it’s a few years too late for that lol. if there was a magic pill that could make me straight today, i wouldn’t take it. i’ve been through so much as a lesbian, it means something to me now and i wouldn’t trade that for anything.

23: are you cis?

yep.

24: are you a sugar mommy or a sugar baby at heart?

hardcore sugar baby. my dream job is being an older woman’s trophy wife.

25: are you committed to someone at all right now emotionally?

hhhhhhhhhh unfortunately. i don’t want to be.

26: are you looking for a serious relationship currently?

yes, but i shouldn’t be. i don’t think i’m ready to be in one.

27: is there someone you’d like to be in a serious relationship in?

yes, but she’s straight and already married lmao. whoops.

28: do you want children?

no, i’m too selfish and irresponsible.

29: is your family accepting of your sexuality?

my mom and dad are, though they don’t take it very seriously. pretty sure they expect me to grow out of it one day. can’t blame them tho, i’m waiting for the same thing lmao. my extended family is huge, and their opinions range from being extremely homophobic to being gay themselves, but i’m interacting with them less and less as i get older.

30: how confident are you in your sexuality?

very confident, though i don’t want to be. i’m still secretly hoping one day i’ll see a guy i’m attracted to and he’ll fix me, but being realistic, i’m a huge fucking lesbian. women are enchanting.

31: are you polyamorous or monogamous?

monogamous. my insecure ass could not be poly hhhhhh.

32: what advice do you have for your 12 year old self?

be more selfish. you don’t have to put yourself second for the sake of others, especially at your age. nothing you do will matter in a decade, go fucking wild.

33: have you ever been to a gay bar?

nope. i want to go one day, but i have terrible social anxiety.

34: leather jackets or flannel?

both of those are really hot, but i’m gonna go with leather jacket.

35: describe your dream girlfriend

- vampire

- big tiddy goth gf

- nice personality or smthn

- uhhhhhhhhh tiddy

(ok but srsly, i can’t answer this question bcs i NEVER know what i want!! i always thought my type was THICC for sure, but all three of the ladies i have feelings for rn are pretty skinny and flat chested)

36: do you have any lesbian friends?

at least 50 lol.

37: what elements of gay culture do you actively participate in?

air, water, sometimes earth. never fire.

38: do you find straight people irritating?

nope, but i do find straight pda uncomfortable to look at. mostly bcs it reminds me of what i'm supposed to want. but i’d never tell a straight person that, obviously. i’m not rude.

39: would you rather adopt a kid or have a biological kid?

i’ll adopt a tortoise, and feed her any children that cross my path. but if i did ever have a child, i’d want it to be biologically mine and my wife’s. mostly bcs i’d want to know what it would look like, which is a selfish and stupid reason to have kids, and exactly why i’m not gonna lmao.

40: do you love yourself?

i’m a LEO (jokes aside, i don’t know. sometimes i do, sometimes i don’t. but i love myself more as time goes on. definitely more than i did than when i was a teen, at least.)

[philalie]

I just wanna rant (TW ABUSE/DRUGS)

I feel like i wanna start just venting on tumblr bc it seems like everyone else does it and i just wanna vent to random people right now about my childhood and about my mother, bc i bring it upon people in my personal life too often and in inappropriate ways, except there just never is an appropriate way to do it. I just don’t wanna be a killjoy anymore. its really just therapeutic to me to write it out.

My mom has put me through no physical pain, but emotional pain to the extent that it hurts physically. It started even when I was a baby. Even as a little toddler she treated me how she does now, literally talking to me as if I was her friend. I have never ever received verbal affection from her in my entire life. I get an “I love you” once a month and maybe a hug if I initiate it, but that’s it. She won’t even cook me dinner unless I ask, and I am still a minor living under what’s supposed to be her roof. But the situation at hand now where she doesn’t even try to come see me or support me in any way, basically starting life over with a brand new family isn’t even what hurts me the most. It hurts me the most the situations she put me into as a literal child that a child should never be put into. I almost hate her for it. I almost hate her for making me live in that grimey tattoo artist’s duplex whose carpet was nearly black from how many cigarettes he smoked in the house, and I almost hate her for letting him make fun of me and make me genuinely believe I was stupid when I was a little kid in Kindergarten. When I see kindergarteners, I can’t believe that as a mother, she allowed me to be hurt in such a way that I was scared in my own house and I would cry at night because I didn’t know where she was and people I didn’t know were doing drugs in my house and i fucking knew it. Kindergarteners shouldn’t even know what drugs or alcohol are. I almost hate her for marrying the father of my brother, but not quite because I love my sweet brother so much and if it weren’t for that, i wouldn’t have him in my life. His father had no regard for me or my other brother’s feelings. He sold my precious treasures that I loved because he knew it’d hurt me and he needed money for a fucking dime bag. He even tried to pawn off my childhood dog. Fuck that. He is the source of my anxiety today. Imagine having anxiety as a nine year old. Genuine, debilitating, shaky anxiety attacks in third grade. It hurt me so much that my mom watched me get hurt and insulted by her husband and never once defended me. He always called me irresponsible and bossy. After I finally convinced her to break up with him and found us an apartment to live in, I thought everything would be good. Not even one month later my mom had a new boyfriend living with us, this one the worst. He was violent, mean, and mentally ill. I can’t even describe to you how much this man terrifies me, and if I see someone who even a little bit resembles him in public I get really scared. He was addicted to a lot of hard drugs and he was also a severe alcoholic. He called me hardheaded and made fun of my body. He made everything miserable. He gave my little brothers and myself so much trauma he is the one person in this world I can regretlessly say that i hate. i hate him so much. Fuck you for ruining my life. Fuck you for hitting my brother. Fuck you for threatening to “smash his skull in” when he was FOUR YEARS OLD. I fucking hate you. You’re a pathetic excuse of a human being and i will never feel sorry for you. You’re the one person in this world that doesn’t deserve a second shot at life. You deserve to struggle with your addictions and receive no sympathy from anybody. You brought me shame. My friends laughed at me because of you. I had no friends because of you. You robbed me of my most essential teenage years. You brought disgusting fleas lice and bedbugs into my previously pristine house. Another thing my best friend and her family fucking shamed me for, which was so humiliating as a 14 year old. You destroyed every single piece of my life and I still havent healed even though I haven’t seen you since the June before freshman year. He stole all my art supplies from my room as punishment for telling my dad what was happening, then stole my moms car after he already totaled her last one, so yeah fuck you. And fuck you for eating up all of my moms money on coke heroin and vodka. I never ate breakfast lunch or hardly even dinner. imagine starving children and laying on your ass without getting a job. When i told my dad my mom got pissedand didn’t care how hungry i was. That day when you hit my brother you were blocking the door and wouldnt let me leave the house because i called my dad to pick us up. I pushed past you while my mom cried and cursed me out for ruining everything. Fuck you for that mom. Nothing was my fault. You are the one to blame for making me the way i am today. It’s all your fault. This is why i don’t even care that you dont give me affection because why would i want affection from someone like you. The entire way you didnt care AT ALL about your three children’s childhood fucking disgusts me and determines me to treat my future children with the utmost care. They will get all their emotional needs met. They will live in a clean home with quality clothes to wear, food to eat, and enrichment. They will know I care about their experience in life. they will know i love them. All of this is not thanks to you, its thanks to myself for making an effort to do better than you. Actually, thank you mom for inspiring me to live a much more fulfilling and beautiful life than you. Do better in ur next life.

Well now that that emotional rant is done, I just want to share that I’m reading a really enriching book right now called “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” So much of it is reflected in my mother as well as her boyfriends. It’s helping me to clear my mind and draw conclusions and feel not so alone and not feel the need to seek attention from others for what im going through. Id highly recommend it to anyone who is the child of an emotionally immature parent.

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sometimes the wild thing with depression is looking back and trying to figure out when it started and never really being able to draw a line for anything like "this was the earliest age it All Began(tm)," probably because there's not generally such an On-Off Switch type process to it. i know usually circa ten yrs old or later in the teens is usually what people point to but sometimes more of a period of exacerbation rather than origin, and who can say it's not also having the emotional and psychological capabilities and capacities that young children don't that bring a greater sense of perspective and awareness, idk anyways so i'm not sure if i was ever not-depressed or anything....i know i was always uncomfortable outside what was familiar and "shy" and i know that as soon as i was around other kids in a way more socially organized than running around together, namely preschool at 4 yrs old, i was aware of not feeling like i fit in and noticing i couldnt make friends like other people could. ive been good at bs-ing school from the start and happen to pick up things very quickly so even though i probably had the same habits as kids with the worst grades and had no particular ambitions re: academia (beyond avoiding parental wrath and later maintaining the identity that kinda protected me a bit in school) since i got really good grades and was quiet and pretty much just read in a corner when left to myself from kindergarten through middle school, i was probably considered a usually ideal student. i remember a couple of people who i felt i was genuinely friends with, a kid named michael who i think went to a different school after a couple of grades, and a kid named jacqueline in 2nd grade who was like me so quiet in retrospect i'm not sure if she knew much english but we played legos together and stuff but then we got in trouble for not paying attention during not even a lesson but i had to move seats b/c arbitrary Making An Example and since we were both so quiet we just didnt interact much anymore to avoid further attention. i made other friends technically but generally it took a long time to be comfortable with them and we were never close and in the meantime i dont think i ever much liked school. i remember one random sunday evening just getting upset about not wanting to go back the next day just because it was boring and meantime at home of course it sucked but i didnt quite realize it til i was older and it helped of course being young enough to be able to go outside for hours and be perfectly entertained playing in the dirt and trees and stuff. i read a lot at home too i remember having pretty skeptical thoughts about Life from earlyish on but, besides spending a crap ton of time just in my own head (reading, playing in dirt) i think i had ideas that life and the world was pretty amazing. like earlier on of course it was like "is magic real??" but then later its just stuff like reading in books about how kids had good friends and families and got to pursue their interests and do things and work out drama and have nice endings with a lot of hope for the future. for all i could tell the only thing keeping that from being my life was that i wasnt old enough, or probably i hoped that it was just a matter of time. it was less like i was extrapolating from my own limited observations of the worse aspects of life that life must be great and more like i was already noticing that my world was lacking and just hoping that it would grow out of it; not to mention being given the hint that stuff like abuse was my own fault and shortcomings i started getting more aware of being fed up with things / that they weren't inherently going to change around like late elementary school / middle school but it would take another year or two to really get the extent of it, and in the meantime by 14 or 15 at the latest i was consciously suicidal so like, moving fast there. i probably by that point had already caught on to the fact that my world had just been kind of shitty and that it wasnt going to change or seem better after a certain amount of time like i'd thought it would. and then add also having a better understanding of the rest of the world just by being older and getting more experience and realizing that its a lot more chaotic than initially taught to you and that being depressed and having developed few interests and zero ambitions and having antagonistic parents and very few friends doesnt do much to give you as much a cushion from that chaos as it could tangent: honestly i like programs that teach instructors how to recognize things that look like Behavior Issues as maybe more being signs of external issues. i wasnt the best at paying attention and i was often quiet in school whether in class or not and it mightve been a problem if i didnt get good grades but since i did i could just be in the background. i don't particularly resent this or anything because i know how teaching is and i myself didnt really understand i had serious problems at home until much later, but in retrospect i think i always had signs. i remember one particular incident when i was about 8 really shouldve been a bit of a warning sign. i know nobody can really do anything even if they know things are bad but considering i had to learn what abuse looked like by myself and i didnt feel supported by any adult and even when i knew what was going on when i was much older i still just didnt tell anyone in any position of authority because i had learned i had to protect myself by keeping personal things totally confidential and that if i exhibited any signs of struggling i would be blamed and chastised for it. wouldve been nice to at least be informed what was going on at an earlier time and maybe given some sense of confidence or at least a sense it wasn't completely my fault. turns out what gave me any ounce of confidence at all was being like 19 and being so blamed and maligned that it backfired and i started feeling like if i was as awful as i was made out to be then surely i didnt need to feel ashamed and responsible for everything that was being done to me. if i already deserved to be dead then what more could i bring on myself by daring to be so terrible as to feel i shouldnt be treated like i was! checkmate atheists anyhow, i feel like my Good Concepts About The World kind of evolved from "later on everyone has adventures" to "later on everyone goes to middle school / high school and makes friends and bonds with their family and follows their dreams" to something just more vaguely escapist with abstracted ideas about simply feeling comfortable and nice, with maybe general imagery, usually like summer sunsets or just some nice stars or something. i thought about it once and it made a lot of sense, thinking about stuff in terms of the concept of feeling ok and good things existing in the world and being able to sense it despite it also being at a distance or otherwise removed like dont get me wrong just because i wanna be dead i dont have some kind of notion that everyone else's experience of life is the same as mine i.e. that life and/or the world is inherently shit, i know its no more objectively bad than it is objectively good. i still like to think about the good side of all of it. i think its a total mistake to have the idea that if someone is suicidal or even just depressed that it necessarily has anything to do with what they think of the philosophy of the concept of Life, its more personal and immediate than that. honestly i hate all the advice about how you need to write a poem for your suicidal friend to teach them the magic of life or do some otherwise melodramatic bad y.a. novel shit that'll give them a New Perspective on the wonders of life literally overnight. not only is it always disgustingly patronizing and often counterproductively Tough Love-esque but also totally like unrelated to the root of the problem of "what if i'm worried about a friend making a suicide attempt." if you're personally wanting to do something i s2g literally just provide a distraction. talk about random shit or play online scrabble or go over and make midnight snacks, not like set a flower on fire while dropping a porcelain teapot on the floor and lecturing them about how this Doesnt Solve Any Problems or is a permanent solution to a temporary problem like no. just be a distraction jfc and dont insult anyone by generalizing their experience and guessing at what's probably an extremely complex and personal matter and turning it into empty clichés anyways: this was the longest way to get to the idea that isnt it wild when, like how you can Hear a sound in your head and despite recreating it decently its different from actually hearing it externally, you can sometimes remember what it was like to feel nice about the concept of life? i cant really summon earlier things but sometimes i can remember flashes of having those later sad-person-in-their-own-head moments of thinking of distant abstract concepts like seeing the sky as a medium for connection to the infinite experiences of humanity, and i can get like the equivalent of a visual image of a recreated feeling from back when i still had a few lingering overly-optimistic notions that things would be good soon. don't get me wrong, again im still aware of the good things in life and i still have good experiences and still feel good feelings. but i dont harbor expectations that the course of life must and will average itself out or lean towards improvement for any reason, like knowing that good things happening to you out of the blue is the same as how terrible things can happen for exactly the same reason—namely no reason at all. so i just dont have the same feelings i used to about my own personal life, and i dont feel the things i used to when i hoped it still could be Only A Matter Of Time. so its wild when for some reason i mentally stumble on the memory of having those feelings and theyre still recent enough that i get a moment of recreating the feeling like i do when i can picture something in my head, and its totally different and dissonant than what's currently true for me. it wasn't a more accurate perspective to think that life being bad meant it had to improve, but its obviously a nicer feeling. and it sounds like overused to the point of meaningless comparison but its like getting your head above water for a second in terms of the momentary contrast of sensation tldr its wild when you depressioning 24/7 and dead inside and have an instant of remembering What It Was Like To Feel Things

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Wests life and music have combined into an ongoing piece of performance art one that appears unsustainable at this pitch

In an era when the likes of Beyoncé can release perfectly formed records without warning, the saga of Kanye Wests seventh album has been comically messy. He first announced it a year ago, under the name So Help Me God, but postponed its release by several months while renaming it Swish, Waves and, finally, The Life of Pablo.

In the weeks prior to its grandiloquent live-streamed launch at Madison Square Garden on Thursday an album playback featuring celebrity guests and an army of black models debuting Wests latest Yeezy fashion line he posted a series of perplexingly self-destructive tweets on topics including his ex-girlfriend Amber Rose and Bill Cosby. Even for a man who clearly subscribes to Oscar Wildes dictum, There is only thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about, it was a bizarre display.

West, 38, is arguably the most important pop artist of his era and certainly the most compelling, for good or ill. He speaks, and indeed acts, in superlatives. In recent years he has described himself, not always entirely seriously, as the greatest living rock star on the planet, the new Steve Jobs, a potential US president and, simply, the nucleus. Inevitably, he inspires extreme reactions.

When he was booked for last years Glastonbury festival, more than 130,000 people signed a petition calling for an insult to music fans all over the world to be dropped. The vehemence of such attacks on an apologetically outspoken black man doubtless had a racist dimension but that alone does not explain why the rapper is such a uniquely polarising figure.

West was brought up to achieve great things. Born in Atlanta, Georgia, but raised in Chicago by his mother, Donda, an academic, he was given the name Kanye meaning only one Omari wise man and she taught him above all to love himself. In her memoir Raising Kanye, Donda wrote that West inherited from his father Ray, a former member of the Black Panther party, little patience for what he thinks is unjust. Wests kindergarten teacher said to Donda: Kanye certainly doesnt have any problem with self-esteem, does he?

That dude was focused since he was a shorty because he knew what he wanted to do and he had a mother who supported the shit out of him, his friend and fellow rapper GLC once told Complex magazine.

Kanye West in 2004. Photograph: Frank Micelotta/Getty Images

After enrolling at art college in 1997, West dropped out to pursue production work for the likes of Jay Z, with a signature sound based on accelerated soul samples, and then fought doggedly to be taken seriously as a rapper.

I realised that he was going to make it happen and he didnt mind being an asshole, Damon Dash, Jay Zs partner in Roc-A-Fella Records, told Complex. If you dont mind being an asshole, youre not going to lose. He wasnt scared, he had gall. A decade later, West told the New York Times: I knew I was going to make it this far; I knew that this was going to happen.

In October 2002, West was involved in a car crash that shattered his jaw and changed his life. He was convinced that God had saved his life and that he needed to write more profound lyrics. He described this epiphany in his 2003 single Through the Wire: a superheros origin story in which he emerges from a life-threatening accident stronger than ever. I knew I was dealing with a different human being after the accident, his managerGee Roberson told Complex. From that day forth, it was game on.

Unlike his mentor Jay Z, the middle-class West couldnt draw on a violent, hardscrabble youth for credibility so he had to create his own drama, trumpeting his talent and ambition to a degree that was unusual even by hip-hops self-aggrandising standards.

Im the closest that hip-hop is getting to God, he told journalists at an album playback in 2005. Talking to the Guardian afterwards, he described his florid braggadocio as both a form of self-motivation and a theatrical performance. Its like Im walking on this tightrope. Its like, damn, what if he falls? And if I do make it, its like, damn, he made it! But either way youre saying damn. Everybody else is just walking on the ground.

West backed up his rhetoric by constantly redefining what hip-hop could be. The College Dropout (2004) bridged the gulf between mainstream rappers and socially conscious underground MCs. The lavish Late Registration (2005) was co-produced by thefilm score composer Jon Brion. The Daft Punk-sampling, Nietzsche-quoting hit Stronger, from Graduation (2007), began hip-hops lucrative liaison with EDM. Most of its current stars, including Drake and Kendrick Lamar, walked through doors that West opened.

West is a tireless enthusiast with constantly expanding tastes and an ear for whats next. He has been adept at choosing collaborators, from big names such as Rihanna and Daft Punk to up-and-comers such as Arca and Kid Cudi, and taking inspiration from fashion, cinema, architecture and visual art. He is a famous perfectionist who claimed to have mixed his single Stronger 75 times before he was satisfied.

Logic would seemingly state that an album with so many people working on it would sound disjointed, but what Kanye manages to do is get the best out of everyone working towards one sound, the producer Evian Christ told Pitchfork in 2013. You cant really overstate how difficult it is to do that.

West is also an unpredictable lyricist who is equally capable of self-aware jokes, crass, misogynist punchlines and eloquent examinations of race and class. Early in his career, he spoke out against homophobia in hip-hop and blurted out George Bush doesnt care about black people during a telethon for victims of Hurricane Katrina, although he has only sporadically engaged with politics since. He is often at his best when he is being inappropriate. (Five years later, Bush called the incident the all-time low of his presidency.)

Wests behaviour changed dramatically after Donda Wests death in November 2007, from heart disease. He rarely talks about the loss but last year told Q that he blamed himself: If I had never moved to LA shed be alive. West became a more haunted and guarded figure, returning to music with 808s & Heartbreak (2008), a brave, introspective album that featured more Auto-Tuned singing than rapping and paved the way for Drake and The Weeknd.

Kanye West takes the microphone from Taylor Swift as she accepts her award during the MTV VMAs in 2009. Photograph: Jason DeCrow/Associated Press

The loss of his mother invited sympathy but the next turning point in Wests life inspired fury and derision. In 2009, he interrupted Taylor Swifts acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards, bringing to the boil a long-simmering backlash. (West ungallantly references the incident on his new song Famous.) He retreated to his bunker if Hawaii can be called a bunker and made his decadent epic My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy (2010) with a legion of collaborators including Nicki Minaj, Bon Iver and Elton John. He later described it as a long backhanded apology.

In recent years, Wests ambition has become both grander and more diffuse. During interviews and concerts to promote Yeezus (2013), an audaciously abrasive electro-punk primal scream that he called a protest to music, he delivered long, furious monologues about his struggle to break into the fashion industry.

He increasingly seems more interested in clothes than in music Right now, over 70% of my focus is on apparel, he told Paper magazine and much more besides. He has compared himself to such world-changing figures as Picasso and Walt Disney, befriended the tech stargazer Elon Musk, and talked about his ambition to inspire an army of risk-taking cultural soldiers. You can see the growth from Im gonna be this great artist to I wanna do something that ignites a fire in peoples souls, he told Q.

However much credit West gets, it is never enough. In a 2013 interview he compared his critics to the eight-grade basketball coach who would not include him in the team even though he hit every shot. The next year, he made the team. West is driven by the desire to prove his doubters wrong, and fired up by his previous ability to do so.

While most high-profile artists accept that they cannot please everybody, West craves approval from establishment institutions that he appears to hate, from the Grammy awards to European fashion houses, as a point of principle. I dont care about the Grammys, he told the New York Times. I just would like for the statistics to be more accurate.

It is unclear what will happen when West can no longer hit every shot. The singles he released last year, including collaborations with Paul McCartney, were coolly received. His Glastonbury performance promised to be either a triumph or a disaster but, most reviewers agreed, fell somewhere in-between. Pitchforks Jayson Greene wrote: He is responsible for the current zeitgeist, but listening to his slightly confused new material, you get the distinct sense that hes struggling to find his current footing in it.

Reading Wests recent tweets, it is impossible to work out exactly what he is trying to achieve. He is clearly a more volatile and erratic character than he used to be. Marriage and fatherhood are often stabilising influences but marrying Kim Kardashian in 2014 has pitched West into a tabloid world with an endless appetite for gossip. It is unlikely that he could retreat from the spotlight, as he did in 2009, even if he wanted to.

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Kanye West releases album and fashion collection at Madison Square Garden

His life and music have combined into an ongoing piece of performance art which is unsustainable at this pitch. No artist can remain the nucleus of pop culture indefinitely. One day, this extraordinarily successful figure will face the new challenge of learning to cope with no longer being the man everyone is talking about.

Potted profile

Born: Kanye Omari West, on 8 June 1977 in Atlanta, Georgia

Career: Began producing music for local Chicago rappers in his teens and landed his first high-profile job in 1999. Launched his solo career with The College Dropout in 2004. Has released six platinum albums, won 21 Grammy awards, designed several clothing lines, and featured twice on the Time 100 list of the most influential people in the world. Runs the record label Good Music and the creative content company Donda.

High point: Bouncing back with his magnum opus My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy in 2010 after his snafu at the Video Music Awards temporarily derailed his career: even Barack Obama called him a jackass. In December 2014, Pitchfork named it the best album of the decade so far.

Low point: The death of his mother in 2007, soon followed by his split from fiancee Alexis Phifer.

What he says: I will die for the art, for what I believe in, and the art aint always going to be polite.

What they say: Hes a brilliant madman. He cant help himself. Like, he doesnt have the same filters other people have. He has to blurt things out hes always saying inappropriate stuff. But he also has brilliant ideas, if you can get him to pay attention long enough Madonna.