#this was a lot of fun tho and mostly a callout post for myself

[chrimsone]

Hallo! I keep forgetting to link my fics n tumblr but I didn't forget this time!

So fun stuff, I used a clip of my own Crucible match for this chapter. And that clip resulted in a mercy after four minutes! Omg it's crazy how much is happening in such a short amount of time. I promised a friend I'd like show my process for this chapter and I am using this post as an excuse to the process lol.

So first I needed a source video of course. And I couldn't really just take some match off the internet cause I did want to be specific with what I had equipped. I knew I gave Rin an Arc Logic earlier so I had to grab myself an acceptable copy of one. But the Scout of hers isn't based off any in-game one tbh. But I have a massive love for Perseus-D so I decided to just use that as an acceptable replacement. Since Rin is mostly based off how I play the game normally, I ran the usual gear I wear. Wasn't gonna be a problem if knife hands got used at all in the match. After that, I just had to hope I queued into either the Jav-4 or Convergence map. Those two are my favorites and that's where I wanted her first match to be! Happened to be Jav-4 first.

The fun part was trying to adapt this without the Strand stuff lol. Since at the point of my story not even Stasis has been discovered. Anyways after getting the video then I kinda write out what I experienced on some sheets of paper. Think of it as a rough draft. The starting of me translating what I experience into text form.

From there I take that and then put a City Children lens on it. This goes into an actual doc and since this can be more detailed as I give myself notes and ideas for actual writing. Here's a snapshot of that cause it does take a few pages worth of text.

After this I start actually writing the chapter. While that happens I do cross out the text on the second draft doc. Just helps my eyes from glazing over as I look over all the funny words. Honestly doing all this helped me actually realize some of the callout names for Jav-4! Since the radar provides a name for an area, and to keep my mental map proper I ended up figuring out a decent chunk of the names! Who knows I might actually use them when playing lol.

Pretty much any chapter that focuses on the action has this kinda process to it. The Sundial went thru it! Tho since I didn't have a good PC back in Dawn, I never saved a video of one of those runs. Esoterickk is a true god I used one of his videos on it for reference. Which was still kind of fun! Had to interpret someone else's perspective.

Uh, I guess that's it for this chapter! The process details ended up taking a lot more time to write down than expected lol. If I'm lucky the next chapter won't be 7k words and get out a little quicker. It's not combat focused this time so I don't really need to go thru this process! Though. I have has to use another Esoterickk vid on the Corridors of Time as my memory is fuzzy. Fun hint-hint on what the next chapter is about hehe

[fantabulouskilljoys]

8, 11, 14, 26, 29 for the concert ask 👀

8. Which concert did you vibe most with the crowd?

Answered Hozier at the Troubadour and They Might be Giants earlier but on further reflection my real fav was actually a super indie show. I saw Moxie with Sun Casino and Jacklen Ro at Bottom of the Hill in SF, a fantastic little dive bar with super indie lineups that I try to go to every time I'm in the area. These bands sound like sunshine, their music is such a good vibe and felt so wonderful in such a small space. I met up with a few tumblr mutuals there and the opening bands joined the mosh pit, it was so sweet and everyone in the crowd was having such a great time.

11. Have you ever sat front row at a show?

Most of the shows I go to are general admission or have a pit at the front; I can't think of a time it's been seated and I had the front row. But I've been at the barricade for:

Glass Animals

Bad Suns, opener was Last Dinosaurs

Ginger Root

Mustard Service, opener was late night drive home

The Longest Johns

The Wrecks, opener was Arlie

Bad Sex, opener was The Ravagers

Moxie with Sun Casino and Jacklen Ro

The Moss

Hozier

L.S. Dunes with Pinkshift (had so much fun helping security get the crowd surfers at this one and kept getting callouts from the band <3 got covid tho so 9/10).

This list will be twice as long by the end of the year lmao, whenever something is general admission I get there as early as I can and I go to lots of little venues <3

14. Are you a phone in hand recording/taking pics so you can watch later concert goer or a phone in back pocket living in the moment type?

Sooooo that really depends, at these tiny venues the sound mixing isn't going to come across really well on a camera but when you know all the lyrics and are just vibing with everything close to the amps, earplugs in? It's not about how it sounds. I think the last concert I recorded completely was mcr night 5 (oh god almost a year ago), but I like to record at least whatever the biggest hit by a band is or my fav song and just enjoy the moment for the rest <3

26. Do you get concert hangovers? Or post concert depression?

I don't even get regular hangovers 😅 After MCR LA Night 5 I drove 3 hours back home and spent 4 hours finishing a lab report. I love concerts so much and have like. a post concert glow for a few days.

29. Do you usually have a few alcoholic beverages or do you hydrate intentionally with a bunch of water?

I bring a huge water bottle for the drive there and another for the drive back every time and usually have one big beer if I'm driving myself but maybe more if someone else is driving. But uh. I mostly go to concerts by myself or drive friends since I can drive 6 hours across LA for something, mosh, and still be fine in the morning. I don't know how I do it either but I try not to ask too many questions.

[firstblesssed]

Trust Meme

I missed out on this when it was going around so, old meme here we go

Selection: “As you wish!”

Description: Renowned warrior in two realms, Elletha brings a unique set of skills to the party. Boasting in high healing skills and unusual amounts of damage, she’ll keep you alive while also taking down tough bosses with ease.

Weapons: Antiquated Aymur and The King’s Cane

AI Behaviour: She focuses mainly on healing and playing her favourite game of “how low can you go”. Will prioritise spamming holy and glare on packs of mobs over paying attention to the tank’s health until she is forced to use benediction or has generated a lily. In the case of boss encounters, she will start her rotation and focus mainly on dps until either the tank or party need healing. 

While using “Presence of Mind” she will refuse to heal anyone regardless of how much damage they have taken until the buff expires, then she will deal with the aftermath. Only ever uses “Assize” for damage and mainly uses her lilies to heal. If party members are consistently low, she will enter “Panic Mode”, where she’ll focus on healing AoEs and applying all her buffs such as “Plenary Indulgence” and “Temperance” until the party is back at an acceptable level of health.

While keeping party members alive is her priority, if the Limit Break is at 3 bars she will attempt to save herself to get in a good position to cast “Pulse of Life”. Will use her own personal Limit Break if the boss is low enough and no dps role has attempted to use it.  Her personal LB looks similar to “Afflatus Misery”, the target explodes into red lilies that whither and fall off once the damage has been done. Appears as if the flowers grew from inside the target.

Combat Lines:  “I’ve got your back.” - Start of a fight “Are you alright?” - Healing Variation “Don’t worry!” - Healing Variation “Be more careful!” - Healing a DPS “That looked like it hurt...” - Healing after a tankbuster “You’re not done yet!” - Revive Variation “We still need you!” - Revive Variation “Come on!” - Reviving the same ally twice “Next time I’ll leave you there!” - Reviving the same ally thrice “I’ll get to you soon!” - Ally takes damage while PoM is active “Oh... merde.” - Ally dies while PoM is active

Limit Break: “I can’t do this alone!” - Pulse of Life “I’ve been holding onto this one for a while!” - Special LB

KO’d: “Oops...” “I need... to protect...” “I’m sorry I failed....” “My... dps....” - Killed in PoM (rare line)

Revived: “Apologies about that one...” “I should be the one looking after you, not the other way around...” “Oh that thing’s gonna get it now!” - Revived 3+ times in one fight

Victory: “Everyone alright?” “C’est un jeu d’enfant!” - (equivalent to “child’s play” or “piece of cake”) “I need a drink after that...” - If she died 3+ times during duty

Bonus: Elletha will have banter mostly with Alphinaud, Alisaie, Thancred or the Crystal Exarch. Banter is mostly friendly with some teasing in there, as opposed to her banter with Thancred, which is more full of insults and poking fun at each other.

Follows the tank around and refuses to go in front of them, will rescue other party members back if they attempt to pull before the tank does.

[phoenixyfriend]

The Catboy Valois AU

This one is a little cursed, and inspired by this Totally Spies post.

This AU does contain some nsfw content, which I will place at the end of the post and mark for (it’s right after the dog pics). Once again, this was brainstormed on the GG server, back in October of 2019. Biggest contributor other than myself was @atagotiak​.

So I decided that, at some point, I need to see one of those inexplicable and very horny modern catpeople AUs.

Where a fraction of the population just happens to have cat ears and tails etc. for... minimal reason.

Tarvek def has them. Bc twink. Sticking to the tropes, you know.

All the Valois are catpeople because most of history didn't have the option of interbreeding, just coexisting. Something something sterile hybrids because chromosomes.

Andronicus Valois, Catboy King

Lucrezia was full human and Aaronev never had a chance.

"Most of history" because recently they scienced up ways to get around it, so there are catperson/human hybrids, like Gil and Zeetha (Klaus is human, Zanta is not).

Klaus is kinda glad Gil has cat ears bc this makes people automatically assume he can’t be the dad even if they realize it’s technically possible.

This means Agatha gets her boys.

The human (Lars), the hybrid (Gil), and the cat (Tarvek).

Anevka's initial robot body doesn't have the cat features just due to the fact that Tarvek was aiming for Bare Minimum, and then when he added them in later she decided she liked being able to pick when she had them.

I am morally obligated to reblog the callout art @mercurialvoid​ did for me a few years ago.

We’re not gonna talk about that, though.

human Othar/catgirl Anevka

SCENT MARKING

It's considered Undignified but everyone still DOES it, just... discreetly.

Agatha thinks nothing of it when Zeetha rubs their cheeks together while training and then someone looks at her funny and asks if that's her girlfriend or something.

And Agatha Realizes that she's currently got Belongs-to-Zeetha scent on her and has to scramble to explain that Zeetha kind of adopted her as a little sister because it's the closest approximation she can come up with that still has Acceptable Connotations.

I think platonic marking is a THING but mostly within families, children, and really close female friends, like holding hands. (Toxic masculinity does apply.)

And kolee-zumil is effectively family relationship.

Agatha can't SMELL the scent markings but she gets used to them.

Also like. There's probably different levels of scent marking depending on the body part. Wrists and cheeks are different.

Jagers that used to be catboys have better senses of smell, and are the ones sent to find a Heterodyne.

Agatha and Lars make out but don't go all the way because Agatha is not ready. (Meanwhile, Zeetha can literally smell how horny these dumb kids are.)

TINY BABY GILVEK FACE NUZZLES WHILE STILL ON CW:

(Imagine how much more dangerous the baby gilvek airship-exploring shenanigans would be given one is a catboy and the other is half catboy.)

Gil just kinda scent marks on literally everything/everyone. The boy is affection-starved well into adulthood. He probably purrs too. And purring is probably considered kinda undignified.

Tarvek purrs when he’s designing clothes in his head. He’s embarrassed when he realizes. Everyone thinks it’s cute tho.

Also when crafting super-complicated diabolical plans.

Purring isn’t very diabolical. So it’s embarrassing and doesn’t fit with the aesthetic at all.

It’s hard to do an evil scheme while being an image-conscious catboy.

Gil only. Sort of knows how to cat. He's not very good at it. Zulenna helped but...

Is Von Pinn a cat? Gut says yes. Though it makes it less likely she'd be mistaken for Lu as the students did, but hey! She’d appreciate that.

She probably wouldn’t know how to cat.

Or maybe she would, given we’re assuming hereditary and she was made for Andronicus... She probably knows a bit abt how to tell other people how to cat, but she doesn’t know how to cat herself.

The Muses... not designed to look like catpeople. Ruined the minimalist bodies RVR was going for, going by canon's lack of consistent ears or noses

Agatha does not realize at first that Von-Pinn is a cat-lady because her ears match her hair and every time she sees Agatha her ears go back, and the tail is hidden under the hobble dress.

Otilia is very happy to go from catwoman body to Giant Metal Cat body

KITTY BANGLADESH DUPREE

She's got a faint pattern to her fur that's, on closer inspection, very much indicating she's a PANTHER.

Consider: Tarvek starts working himself up into a frenzied panic and the nearest Trusted Person starts petting him to calm him down and he like. Melts.

TBH tho, a good portion of canon Tarvek’s behaviour can already be described as “cat does something stupid and immediately after attempts to pretend he has dignity even though everyone saw the stupid thing.”

Once Tarvek calms down... Lazy Cat Time.

OH

NECK PINCH

CH would be ecstatic that Agatha snagged two suitors, then swing around to devastated that they’re both catboys, and maybe delusional enough to attempt to cut the ears/tails off like that’d solve anything then come around to “well there’s always science” once it’s fixed.

All Valois have high necks on their outfits, at least at the back

So nobody tries to Deactivate The Cat

(One less thing for Anevka to worry about.)

Because, you know. Canon decided to cut Agatha in half to acquire an heir, so we can’t exactly say the Castle is all that sensible.

It does calm down once Agatha mentions she has Lars, though.

Per @lyratalus​: Krosp could be... so much more dangerous in this AU. What if he was designed to be emperor of all catpeople?

Cats never do what they're told anyways, and you can’t really control people without wasps, but the attempt was made! Vapnoople was ambitious!

Long story short, there's a spark of Something but then they just bat him off the table.

Imagine Seffie making Martellus Stop by deactivating the cat

Violetta is the cutest lil catgirl...

SHE GETS REALLY BRISTLEY WHEN SHE'S MAD

HE'S NOT A TWINK AND IT'S WEIRD. Not even a twunk???

Martellus is

So fucking ODD for a catboy

Like it HAPPENS but it means that human women are more likely to find him attractive than catgirls (and even that's a bit of a long shot on the basis of personality).

(Gil excused from the catboys-are-twink-to-twunk rule on the basis of being half human, and his dad being Basically A Wall.)

That said, for Andy I’m gonna go with "buff as fuck but sooooooo charismatic that all the catgirls, and human girls, flocked to him anyway."

So that’s at least two Bara catboys in this AU

Tarvek is canonically more or less the same size/shape as Gil, but... in my heart, Tarvek’s a twunk. He’s got muscle but he's not AS big, and he's got intense Twink energy, especially since Tarvek actually is queer.

(And they're both straight so they're not even technically bara, just Buff.)

(Not twinks either but...)

(Twink is a fun word.)

Colette is human and Seffie isn't but they'd need science for babies ANYWAY so who cares? It's a lot of Seffie laying her head in Colette's lap and purring as she falls asleep because Colette just keeps petting her.

Catboy Martellus still makes sparkhound shapeshifters. He's a catperson...  but he's still a Dog Person.

Martellus and his dynamic with the sparkhounds:

He loves them, they love him. But they’re embarrassing sometimes.

THIS MARKS THE BEGINNING OF THE NSFW CONTENT

ANYWAY back to the point, which is that a lot of these catperson AUs are just... really super horny.

Which is valid.

Ears are technically erogenous zones for everyone but for the cat people... it's a Lot. It's also not like. Inherently sexual? But it can be. Like spooning. It feels nice ALWAYS but with the right person it's also HORNY.  Or like brushing someone else's hair. 

Ear rubs and headpats that result in like, intense sensation? Good actually.

Also I’m declaring that catpeople have heats. Or at least like. Heightened mating seasons? Extra horny times.

So you have Agatha and Lars normal, Gil kinda horny and confused, and Tarvek rubbing himself against the nearest spouse in hopes that someone's going to fuck the living daylights out of him.

Valois probably take suppressing things as a matter of course bc it’s hard to stay alert to assassination attempts when overwhelmingly horny. When Tarvek deliberately forgoes them eventually, everyone is touched by how much trust it shows.

Without suppressants, the horny is either something you can cope with or something that is intense but comes in Very brief periods. Either one day a month, or a week twice a year? Something like that.

Honestly though, imagine if Gil tried to hide being a catperson for the sake of the Empire or some nonsense, and had to just suffer when in heat?

Agatha likes to watch the boys go at it because there's something about Fangs On Neck that's super pleasurable for cat people and she can't provide that for Tarvek but Gil certainly can.

Bonding marks aren't a thing but possessive biting is.

(Since birth control is so easily accessed in GG, I feel like Lu’s opinion of catboys would be a super gross objectifying thing.)

(Which. Yeah.)

(Lucrezia basically has that opinion on any man in canon that isn’t immediately useful to her for science reasons.)

[gloxinian]

ik i talked to him abt wanting to still be friends but, after thinking a lot, i’m really not comfortable still talking to somebody that was that toxic to me fr so long.  and ik posting this might not be the “classiest” thing to do but i feel like i have to get it off my chest bc otherwise a part of me is pushing to say “it wasn’t that bad” or to excuse it bc “well he apologized and said he wouldn’t do it again” even tho he kept doing these things and showed literally no signs of changing.  and i’m so tired of entering these conversations and having it lead to no change or be twisted to be about pitying him.  this isn’t really a callout or anything so i’m leaving his name out and there aren’t receipts or anything.  it might sound trivial bc i’m starting with the small stuff and working forward but idk.  i’m just tired and felt like i needed to write smth out.

im not sure the best way to word this, but i never felt like i could enjoy things or have things just fr myself.  the only way i could talk abt things was if i was criticizing them or it was smth he loved.  these are just a few things and alone each of them would just be annoying, but it all just compounded into making me feel miserable like i wasn’t allowed to love anything.

when i showed him a series that was very important to me, the first the he did was insult the art style, characters, story, etc.

when i started getting excited about pokemon swsh and the new pokemon, he immediately started mocking my favorite ones and sending me posts/articles talking abt how the game was going to be garbage, even after i asked him to stop.

when i got my first noise cancelling headphones and was excited abt how well they worked, he immediately told me that it was a good thing they were noise cancelling so i wouldn’t be able to hear him crying.

constantly glancing over my shoulder and making fun of what he saw me playing or enjoying.  new game he doesn’t play?  looks stupid/cheap/boring.  not doing great?  makes fun of me for doing poor even after i repeatedly tell him to stop.

and whenever he said something particularly upsetting like that headphones thing, he would immediately say “oh it’s an intrusive thought” or “oh it was just a joke” when i got upset and confronted him about it.  and he’d immediately turn around and make the situation about him and how i should be pitying him.

the worst examples of this come from over a year ago when i was still in college.  my depression was hitting me really hard bc i was back living at home instead of dorms, i was struggling really hard with classes, and had teachers that mocked me whenever i tried to ask questions.  i was actively suicidal during this time and had repeatedly expressed worries to friends and family that i wouldn’t be able to support myself in the future, that i was a failure, and i felt like my only option was to drop out so i would have at least some control in my life.  this was the lowest point i’d ever been.  i’m going to list a few things that happened from smallest to worst and it’s important they all happened during this time.  and he was aware this is how i was during this time.

he was friends with somebody that actively hated me.  fine, not that big of a deal bc friends don’t always get along with boyfriends.  but how this was handled was absolutely horrid.  this friend insulted me whenever i spoke, even told me i shouldn’t talk period.  he kept being friends with them and insisting we hang out more.  that friendship only ended after (1) they accused me of being a pedophile bc i felt physically sick hearing ppl talk abt loli/shota stuff.  and i was the only one who called this out for being so.  fucked up.  to call someone that for being distressed by even seeing cp terms.  he only said he’d talk to said friend after i was incredibly/vocally upset abt this. 

one night depression almost got the best of me and i stopped responding to any calls/texts/etc.  said friend got annoyed he was scared i might actually be dead.  this was the event that actually ended that friendship and honestly i’m mostly upset it took that friend literally not caring if i was dead for my boyfriend to actually give a shit how i was being treated.

he fucking.  cheated on me.  and told me how he was planning on moving in with the person he was cheating on me with “in case things didn’t work out with me”.  he knew i was suicidal over being uncertain about my future and did this, even telling me he was cheating on me BECAUSE of me being suicidal and uncertain.

the worst thing for me is that ofc he managed to make this about him.  maybe it doesn’t make sense for it to feel worse, but it does to me for some reason.  last time we even spoke about him cheating on me, he went on and on about how he hurt he was bc he felt used by the person he cheated on me with.  bc that person stopped talking to him after he told them he didn’t want to do sexual stuff anymore. 

things didn’t really get “better” or anything once i graduated.  if anything, they just got more stressful.  i was still stressed at whether i’d be able to support myself, but a bit more stable now that i had a job and a degree.  my ex moved in with the promise that he would be working to get a job so that he could support himself, grow confidence, and keep things equal.  i don’t.  have the energy to detail everything and don’t know if it’s right.  but the short of it is that i constantly had to nag him to even send out applications and he didn’t even want to go to interviews.  things got really stressful between us and it eventually came out (after i told him the relationship was unhealthy and unbalanced, that i had no desire to support him entirely as this was a source of extreme stress and a lot to ask of someone new to the work force, etc) that he expected me to fully support him financially and that was what he wanted.

he wanted me to fully support him financially, to take responsibility for improving his entire emotional maturity and recovery without taking any initiative, and to fully care for him once i got home from a full day of work (as i’ve been doing).  there was never a “what can i do for you?” or any signs/desire for positive change.  it was only “what are you going to do for me?”.  the relationship was incredibly unhealthy, unblanced, and it was clear that i wasn’t a partner but a surrogate caretaker.  and when i broke up with him, he accused me of breaking my promise to support him.

and i just.  i’m tired.  the whole relationship felt manipulative and unhealthy, looking back.  i don’t know.  maybe i’m wrong.  but i just don’t feel comfortable continuing to speak to somebody who repeatedly put me down, treated me like an expendable resource, and targeted the thing they knew i was most vulnerable about (my own independence and being able to support myself) when he knew that had made me suicidal in the past.

i know we have some shared friends and he’s probably going to paint me like some villain to you guys.  he already compared me to his previous abuser multiple times.  i don’t want to start some stupid “war” or drama or whatever and won’t push back or argue or anything because i have a ton on my plate both health and financially right now.  i don’t have the energy for stupid drama.  maybe i included more details than i should have, but i also left out a lot of details because i’m not really sure how much is appropriate here since this isn’t a callout or whatever.  there aren’t “receipts” since many of these things were personal interactions and i’m not looking to prove anything or make a callout.  you don’t have to believe me or read this or idk.

i just wanted to get this all off my chest.

[her0icmismatched]

I'm not sure why I feel the need to talk about this. I have mentioned it to other people, but, lately, it's been on my mind a lot.

This is not a callout post, no one is being targeted in this, not that it matters, pretty sure this will get ignored, like everything else.

To be honest, I've had reservations about coming back to the fire emblem rp community. For those not aware, I used to run a Rinkah blog (sxvxgeprincess) and a Lethe blog (valkyrieofgallia), however my interest in thos blogs started to wane until it disappeared entirely.

Oh, I came back on occasion, the problem was that no one wanted to interact. Or they said they did, but when I worked on starters for them, they were ignored. Most they ever got would be a like, and then nothing else.

What also, ultimately, killed my muse, was the amount of smutting I did on those blogs. I have nothing against writing it, I have nothing against writing crack, but, whenever I try to revive a muse, and I get no response for days on end, and then, I reblog ONE nsfw meme, and suddenly everyone’s jumping in my inbox...

I grew tired of it, it made me feel like Lethe and Rinkah were only good for two things, being a meme bank, or being someone’s fuck toy. What also hurt my reputation was that I am a Male mun, rping as mostly female muses. I will admit, I did indulge in a lot of smut writing, but it got out of hand, seriously, at one point, I had FOUR smut threads going for just Rinkah.

Do you know how disheartening it is, when you log on, wanting to revive two muses that are near and dear to you, only to wind up staring at an empty inbox, an empty activity feed? You sit there, waiting for someone to reply to your starter call, hoping one of your ship partners still gives a damn about you, finally, you get a notification, and it’s just a bunch of people reblogging a meme.

This was part of what turned me off from coming back to Rinkah and Lethe so many times, that and the fact that 3/4 of the time, the only time anyone was interested was if there was a new smut meme.

I’m seeing that happen here. I’m reconnecting with a bunch of old friends from those blogs, all of which claim they are interested in interacting again, but have not responded to anything, or ignore asks, or message me to shoot them down. And then, when I think I’m finally getting activity, it’s so someone can get into my muse’s pants, or someone wants to force a ship despite me not showing any interest in it, ever.

The last few days, I’ve come on here, and all I’ve written is crack. Much like writing smut non-stop, IT. GETS. OLD. It drains my muse, it drains my interest, and it makes RPing a chore. And if RPing becomes a chore, then it’s no longer fun anymore, it means I’m less likely to do it.

I’ve only had this blog a month, but even now, I find myself not wanting to come back to it again, because I’m just a one trick pony to people. I’m a meme bank, I’m a crack writer, my muses are here just so yours can  bang them, no other reason. Who cares about what I wanna write, right?

I’m just here for people’s convenience, and nothing else.

If I wanted to be ignored, I’d go back to my parent’s place.

[fidespeaks]

✖ How has Tumblr RP changed since you started?

memey

Oh god, the RPC has changed immeasurably since I started back in 2010. Back when I first started in the RPC we were still using gifs instead of icons and there was no semblance of aesthetic. When I first started on tumblr I wrote primarily in groups. Indie always sort of scared me because I had no idea how to promote myself and then for a while longer it scared me because I had no idea how to make promos. I only very recently started using and learning how to use photoshop which is like a MUST in the indie scene. So yeah, I mostly wrote in group settings and things were just... it was different. God it was so different. This was back when groups still used like... side blogs as a way to communicate with each other and we were still using skype and shit.

And of course then things shifted, but things have even changed a lot in the last couple of years. Aesthetics are such a huge part of roleplaying now, even more so than they had been back then and it's getting a little bit better, you're starting to see people who are more accessible and user friendly and that's super nice to see because inaccessible blogs were like my biggest fucking peeve back in the day (tm).

I think one of the biggest and weirdest changes tho is like... it's not super common to RP proper now. I feel like it's way more common to interact via exchanges of ask memes and I don't really think I like it very much. I mean, it's fine, but I dunno... it feels weird to not be writing threads with each other anymore. I also don't like that things are a lot more oneliner based instead of longer paragraphs, but I get why. It's fun and it's quick and easy and I do quick lil oneliner crack rps all the time myself now. But I do kinda miss more substantial threads.

Basically tho the obsession with aesthetics is what's changed the most. And even that has gone thru several different cycles of change in the time that I’ve been on the site.  And now that I’m thinking about it, I think how quick people are to make callouts has changed too but it’s slowly shift back again.  Like... callouts are important and they have their place, but there is definitely an issue with them and how they’re often posted with all this gravitas and pomp and circumstance when so many of them boil down to “this person was mean to me and I refuse to talk things out”.  But you’ll hear MUCH more about that from me later. 

[tagfer]

I'm sending this on anon but you could figure out who I am if you cared I am sure. The answer is the community is even more toxic now in some ways and I don't wanna be like "I'm often the target" but it sure feels like it a lot. There is a lot of infighting, anons telling bloggers to kill themselves, trying to chase people out, and echo chambet shit talking in private servers. There is blame of large blogs not being welcoming to small blogs despite evidence to the contrary. (Continued)

(Continued) In all honesty, it is exhausting. The public callouts have mostly ceased but passive aggression and private rumor mills reign now. I would leave the community but I do have fun doing giveaways with my friends and I can generally handle it even with the toxicity. Some days are harder than others and I’m not sure if this is a general Tumblr fandom issue or if Pokemon just attracts absolute garbage. Anyway, yeah, it’s still trash. I’m glad for you you don’t consider yourself part of it.

Also I feel the problem is some people do this not to be generous but to fuel their own egos, like they want praise. And wanting recognition is fine on its own but feeling entitled to it and envious of others who are receiving it is kind of ugly and petty. We should give out Pokemon to help others and make friends and not to stroke our own egos, in my opinion, but the latter and the entitlement that comes with it seem to be an unfortunately prevalent attitude of late.

ugh. as much as I wish I was surprised at all this, I’m really not. which is sad. What the flying fuck is up with these people.

Like, Giveaways are in concept just so selflessly nice. Putting time and effort into doing something for others, something that can genuinely make someone’s day, week, y’know…  why these people gotta turn it into nothing shy of a daytime TV drama? Bleh. “Let’s turn something about being nice into a reason to bully others.” like why don’t you go sit in the corner and think about why you gotta misbehave like that. (And the participants/anons can be even worse by being entitled little shits who throw online temper tantrums when you don’t get what they want.)

Undoubtedly, some people just want to be seen as an idol or to feed their ego, and I’m sure that plays a part in why some people can be… like that. But if it wasn’t for drama, I don’t think it’d matter much what someone’s motivation was if at the end of the day they were truly spreading genuine joy. But instead they gotta make it into a war or some shit. You buttlords go spend a few minutes in the corner too.

Like for example my reasons for doing giveaways are objectively selfish, I do ‘em to help with my depression. I mean I know I’m making people happy, but that helps me feel better, so I’m in a way using others without them even knowing. But regardless, I know I do make people genuinely happy, so I’ll keep doing it. 

Back when I was very involved I’d refer to myself as a giveaway blog but honestly I never truly was, it’s just my games/such blog and I happened to do giveaways. I’m just glad nowadays people leave me alone for the most part, nobody’s tried to get me involved in shit for quite a while. (I’m kinda sad that I’ve fine tuned my giveaway posts to the point anons don’t ask me dumb questions anymore tho, being a smartass to them was kinda fun. I did go too far a few times but still.)

hopefully this whole thing doesn’t get someone to start shit with me tho lmao

[grandschemed]

All salty questions please

1. how salty are you feeling right now?

i had my cup of coffee and it’s 9:15 and i don’t have any work to do at work at the moment so u know?? i actually feel pretty good i’m chill it’s all good but please continue reading under the cut for more salty unpopular opinions by yours truly :*

2. what are your unpopular opinion(s) of the fandom you’re rping in?

3. what rp trends are you so over and can’t wait for it to die?

4. have you ever made a call out post or wanted to?

i don’t think i have??  i’ve never really had an issue with somebody to the point that i felt as if i needed to make a callout post which thank god??? i’m grateful i’ve ( for the most part ) had really positive experiences so far 

as for callout culture itself ?? i have mixed feelings about it bc the majority of callout posts i’ve read seem kind of Harsh bc ur essentially damning this person from the roleplay community forever esp. bc i personally don’t think roleplaying is That Deep u know??  like theft is annoying and whatnot but idk if it’s something i’d call somebody out for personally - MAYBE I WOULDN’T MIND CALLOUT POSTS if anons didn’t go overboard telling said individual to die / kill themselves ??? 

HOWEVER i think there are instances in which callout posts are necessary esp. when calling out tumblr users for being a racist / pedophile / etc. THAT’S SUBJECTIVE AS HELL i know but pedophilia is GROSS AS FUCK and SO IS RACISM and god forbid i accidentally follow / write with any of those people because ew ew ew EW it’s good to know who to avoid in the community at the same time so ... Yeah i’ve got mixed feelings about callout posts

5. a ship everyone in the fandom you’re in loves, but you can’t stand?

since i’m a multimuse part of 1002 fandoms i’ll focus on haikyuu!! except i’m pretty sure i’m going to get my ass roasted alive but i really can’t stand i/waoi LMAO but that’s mostly out of bias and the fact that a lot of i/waoi shippers have ruined it for me by viciously hating on u/shijima as a character calling him a r/apist and saying that u/shioi is abusive when u/shijima has done literally nothing ever to abuse o/ikawa like what ?? if anything i/waoi is the abusive ship considering i/waizumi’s the one who physically hurts o/ikawa all the time LOL

shitty shippers aside idk i/waoi’s personally just not really my jam?  to be honest all the super popular hq!! ships aren’t rly my jam - i don’t even really have good explanation for why i dislike i/waoi as much as i do from an unbiased point of view but i prefer them as friends ?? in all honesty ??  JUST MY 2 CENTS THO 

6. have you ever sent something to one of those burn book blogs?

lol no i might be extra but i aint That Extra laughs in all seriousness i rly haven’t had any major problems w/ other roleplay blogs to the point that i was tempted to send something to a burn book blog

7. has someone made you unfollow/block them without a second thought because of a petty reason?

i’m trying to remember if there were any instances in which i did so for a petty reason but most of the time ??? i usually unfollow if somebody writes something Inherently Problematic / over-the-top purple prose / they don’t follow me back ... there was one time when i unfollowed somebody bc i asked them for their autoplay bc i rly liked the song and i just wanted to listen to it??? LMAO but they thought i was going to steal from them just bc we wrote the same muse and i was like Bro. I JUST LIKED UR AUTOPLAY what the hell i just wanted to listen to it 200 times in a row on youtube chill so i unfollowed them bc lmao how dare you assume i’d steal from somebody in the first place Get Over Yourself Susan

8. are you good at dealing with personal problems?

i’d say so?? again i usually don’t rly have roleplaying issues but problems aside from those i usually like to vent on twitter and i feel Much Better after that??  im a pretty chill person irl and shit doesn’t rly get to me so i can come off as kind of blunt / insensitive but i feel like i get over most stuff pretty quickly - there’s no reason to get Angry and make somebody suffer when somebody tries to fuck you over imo??  True Vengeance is aspiring to be happier / richer / more successful / fulfilled than that person will ever be - that’s my Fuck You to those people y’know?? 😂😂😂 life is so much better when i focus on me and figuring out what i can do to fulfill my emotional needs - i feel very lucky with what i have and all my friends and family who cherish + support me of course though !!

9. what’s your opinion on duplicates?

i may come off as a confident self-assured person but even i get shaken time to time y’know??  but for the most part i don’t rly mind duplicates??  in fact i like to try to befriend them to get over any anxiety i might have over duplicates and i think it’s a silly thing to be uncomfortable by duplicates personally bc again roleplaying rly ain’t that deep you guys - in fact you guys both like the same character so you guys chose to write the same character??  duplicates + i already have a connection in that sense!!  also duplicate muse threads are SUPER COOL to write in my opinion bc it lets your muse face themselves and they can rly see themselves for who they really are which i think is Always Cool because i love writing threads in which i get to explore emotional depth with my muses ?? PLUS DUPLICATES ARE COOL bc it’s kind of interesting to see how other people interpret the same character you write bc everybody has different opinions 

i know the anxiety might be there but i think the best advice my mom has ever given me is not to compare yourself to other people even if you think they’re better than you or something and i know that’s hard advice to follow for everybody but roleplaying is a hobby and it’s done for fun - there’s so many other things you can stress about in life so why let roleplaying be one of those things??  focus on yourself and focus on your muse and developing that muse with other people and people will want to come to you to write with them.  preferences will always be a thing - it’s only natural but focus on having fun with your muse as opposed to worrying about other people!!

10. any fandom(s) you don’t want to rp in or crossover to?

11. are you for or not for purple prosing?

12. has someone in the rp community ever made you upset/cry?

i don’t think..... so??  upset maybe but not to the point of crying??  i mean again i’ve never really had a truly terrible experience but i did have an ex-writing partner who used to constantly guilt trip me until i finally broke it off with them because it was starting to affect my real life relationships and whatnot and i didn’t want to bear that burden anymore as much as i wanted to be their friend but i couldn’t singlehandedly bear all of their problems for them anymore because it wasn’t healthy for me nor was it good for them so i cut them out of my life for both of our sakes - i’ve had great times with this person but ultimately, i’m glad i did what i did and i’m proud of myself for being able to focus on my own emotional needs

13. ever told someone not to follow/rp with a particular person because something that happened to you in the past?

i ... can’t remember laughs I DON’T THINK SO???  people have told me not to write w/ certain people before when i go into new communities blind but for the most part i don’t think i’ve really had an overly terrible experience to the point that i felt i had to tell other people not to roleplay with / follow them ... i’ve been very blessed with a good experience so far!!

14. ever knew someone that everyone loves but you can’t stand?

i would say ‘can’t stand’ is kind of harsh but i dislike them because of a petty reason???  it’s fine tho bc they stay in their lane and i stay in mine - it’s all good imo.  i for the most part have enough decency not to hate on other people’s ships but this person kept telling me about how much they dislike my ships to my face on a consistent basis which again PETTY and i know they weren’t in a good place at the time but shrugging emoji idk i just thought it was kind of rude ??

15. have you ever done something out of spite?

i do everything out of spite im jk but seriously if you tell me i can’t do smth i will only do said thing with 100% more effort out of sheer spite like THERE WAS SOMEBODY who told me i couldn’t ship a certain ship so i proceeded to flood my dash with 300% more ship content you’re welcome headass spite is a Great Motivator

me: i’m a chill person and im going to be the happiest person ever :)also me: u test me bitch and im coming for ur entire life

16. what would you say to the one who hurt you in the past?

i hope you are incandescently happier than you were before.  i hope you are in a better place and i hope you are still writing with people who appreciate you and can give you the attention you deserve.  i hope you are a better person today and i wish you nothing but the best in a life without me, but i do not miss you nor do i ever want you back in my life.  i cherish the good times we had together, but we are better off without each other regardless of what you might still think and i hope you don’t.  i hope you recognize what you did and i hope you are a wonderful person today.

17. what are your opinions when someone makes negative posts constantly on their rp blog?

if you make more negative posts than roleplay content i’m gonna unfollow you??  i understand you’re having a hard time with your life but honestly i followed you to write with you - it’s not that your well-being doesn’t matter to me but i write to have fun + destress and ultimately, roleplaying is about myself??  im not doing this for other people - im doing this for me.  i don’t mind occasional negative posts ( ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY’RE TAGGED !! ) but if you’re consistently complaining about how much you think you suck compared to everyone else or how you think nobody wants you around, then i’m going to unfollow you because i came to write with you because i thought you were COOL!!  i know people just want to vent ( LORD KNOWS I VENT A LOT even if it’s about little stuff ) but consider making a twitter / a personal tumblr in which you can do so instead of your roleplay blog which is for roleplaying ???  idk that’s just my opinion but i try to keep my roleplaying blog strictly related to the content - i don’t even want to flood my blog with too many ooc asks bc u guys didn’t follow me to read my constant ooc posts ( even if i feel like i write a lot LMAO ) - u guys followed to write w me !!!!

18. do you hold grudges for long?

i say no but at the same time i’ve been really bitter towards an ex-best friend for three years now.  NONE OF THESE GRUDGES ARE ROLEPLAY-RELATED but again my way of vengeance is to be way happier and more successful than her and never ever see her again because that’s the decision she made??  we used to be Super Close but then she got a boyfriend and her entire life revolved around her boyfriend and we never spent any more time together after that like ??? it’s clear who she chose over me so if she doesn’t want to make the effort to spend time with me then i see no effort to give her any thought.  also the fact that she, as a white individual, complained to my other best friend behind my back that i’m apparently too “sensitive” about popular media.  like really?  wow, must be nice to have all the representation you could possibly ever ask for, karen.  get the fuck out of here with that attitude /:  

also SUPER PERSONAL but i’m salty about my kind-of-ex because he basically acted like he was really invested in me when he was still hung up on somebody else and i let myself be emotionally vulnerable around him until he confessed to me that he just wanted to be friends because he was still into his ex and then proceeded to neglect our friendship because he’d spend all of his time with his ex ( who he predictably got back together with + who turned out to be a really shitty selfish manipulative person who he broke up with anyway ) which was Fine i was already used to that anyway with SEE: ABOVE FRIEND but then after he broke up with her he’s tried to come back into my life on various occasion because he’s never had as Great of a Friend as me and frankly i can’t forgive him or myself for making myself invest any sense of emotion into him it makes me so angry to think i was actually upset because i actually cared a lot about him and he made me feel like i wasn’t good enough and how fucking dare he make me feel like that ever?  i’m the Fucking Best and he deserves absolutely nothing from me he deserves perfect indifference and i hope he never ever feels fulfilled in his life i wish him a great and terrible lack of satisfaction for the rest of his miserable life xoxo i’m going to be SO MUCH HAPPIER THAN THAT ASSHOLE i’m years and years better off without him i hope he pines for my friendship for the rest of his life

19. wild card: ask the mun any type of salty asks.

20. if you’re feeling salty right now, this ask gives you a free reign to pour out your frustration.

i feel like question 18 let me do that so i’m good but also ??? fuck the gangsta. novel ??? for its HORRIBLE characterization of worick + nic’s relationship ???  the gangsta. novel treats their relationship as if nic is some dog/servant to worick which in itself is gross in concept because haha yay a poc character forcibly being subservient to a white character THAT’S COOL :)))))))) but also ??????? uh AUTHOR ARE WE READING THE SAME MANGA ?????

worick has never treated nic as a dog / servant even when they were children - worick even taught him how to read / write ??? worick and nic were e/o’s first and only friends for a long while ??? they’ve lived together for so many years - they canonly share shirts, they’re business partners, worick was genuinely hurt to see nic in so much pain.  not only does worick NOT see nic as a dog / servant HE LOVES NIC ???  HE LOVES HIM SO MUCH THEIR RELATIONSHIP MEANS SO MUCH TO ME they’ve been through so much together and worick since he was 14 has literally supported the both of them via Really Horrible Means that i won’t get into - i’ll leave it up to your imagination but he split the profit he made from what he did with nic ???  there’s no way worick would’ve done that shit if he viewed nic as somebody beneath him esp. when survival was so difficult for two 14-year-old boys with no funds or resources they’ve survived together through thick and thin and there’s a special relationship they have and i love worick and nic okay I LOVE THEM SO MUCH EVEN IF THEY MAKE SHITTY DECISIONS AND WHATNOT nobody will ever convince me otherwise 

also if you’ve made it to the end i commend you and thank you for reading my salty opinions / personal problems / issues :* i hope you all have a wonderful day :**

[sparrowhaven]

Bi-annual state of the self

*waves* soooo if you’re new to my blog, for the past couple of years I’ve had a couple of times of year where I write/post a bit about Sad Personal Shit. At this point it’s more to remind myself about how far I’ve come than actually inform other people about my state of mind. Although I guess it helps people know I’m doing okay since I hardly talk about personal stuff in public. Like in previous posts I’ll put most of the info under a cut to not clutter up anyone’s dash or make anyone really sad unless they wanna take a look.

As of writing this I’m doing fine (though admittedly I’ve been working on this off and on since the tail end of December and I’m like 95% sure i’m done as of 1/20 hahaha nvm i’m still touching up on this on 1/25). I’m probably okay when this gets posted. Well. Very likely on the lower end of okay. I’ll put in details under the cut but if anyone wants to ask questions privately I’ll answer them. Though maybe not immediately or even until late today because god knows I’ll be working to try not to think about today AND THEN I’m going to see A Dog’s Purpose with my family because my youngest sister insisted on taking us to a movie that’s gonna at least make ME cry.

Um, if you don’t want to read this and/or you wanna know what to do to help me out, send me funny and/or wholesome memes and videos. I also like cute stuff involving elephants and owls and cats and snakes. Any animal really but those are like my top 4 in no real order. Oh, or puns. I love puns. Yeah lots of puns will help too cuz I’ll be able to read them to other people who’ll need a laugh or a groan.

....This is gonna be long so sorry in advance for my rambling. 

Anyway, on with the show.

To get this out of the way and also summarize the reason behind this post: my younger brother Benjamin killed himself on August 25, 2014. Today, January 27, 2017, would have been his 21st birthday. It’s been a bit of a ride these past couple of years to say the least even without the bullshit that was a good chunk of 2016.

So before I get asked this, no the name Benjamin or Ben or any other nickname related to it doesn’t trigger me. I’ll notice it, sure, but only in the same way anyone else with siblings would notice someone saying their sibling’s name in a regular context. Same goes for anyone mentioning having a brother. Suicide or death in general as a topic in conversation or in a story doesn’t exactly trigger me, but talk about wanting to die or disappear can make me a bit anxious even if the person talking doesn’t actually mean to do anything (although admittedly some days I can handle such talk better than others). I can get really intense just because (as mentioned in at least one previous post) there was a tangible hole in the world when my brother died and I dunno what I’d do if someone I knew just suddenly left again. This doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me when you’re feeling like you need to die or disappear and you need to tell someone. BY ALL MEANS please talk to me if you’re having these kinds of feelings--keeping them inside is worse than letting them out even to someone who might try to grab your face through a computer screen in an attempt to let you know that they care about you a lot. Don’t be worried about hurting me if you’re hurting. I tend to describe my current existence as “varying states of okay” but most of the time I’m on the better end of okay. I’ll let you know if I can’t handle things.

Oh yeah another thing: If I mentioned my brother in a conversation with someone that didn’t know about anything related to him, I always tried very very hard to use past tenses so that I wouldn’t be lying. Like “god he used to do such and such” or telling a story about him from when he was a kid. Mostly it’s because he was a great person and I love to bring up the silly things that he did and that happened to him in his life even if I don’t necessarily want everyone I meet to know that he’s dead. Also, I know a couple of people who are gonna feel really dumb because they didn’t figure this out sooner and I’m here to say that IT’S OKAY SERIOUSLY. I was only avoiding the topic because it’s heavy as fuck, why would I want to dump all that on you all at once just a little while after we met I mean come on. Also as a general rule I usually don’t feel bad enough about Ben’s death in particular to want to broach the subject in the first place. I’ve got more pressing things to stress about and tackle first, y’know? 

Obviously that isn’t to say that I don’t still feel SOMETHING even 2 and a half years later. I definitely still miss him. But it’s like even if I AM having a bad day related to Ben’s death (like...being reminded of what age he should be as an example) I just don’t normally talk about this stuff with people I’ve only met since he died because...well, first off not everyone’s had someone close to them die. See, the thing that no one tells you about grief before you lose someone close to you is that the feelings don’t really go away. It’s more like, you get more used to missing the person that died but there are definitely times when the pain will flare up thanks to some reminder and you have to cry about it. People who haven’t lost anyone might not be able to understand or empathize when they’ve had no experience with loss. And that’s fine. I don’t ever want someone to lose someone close to them just to understand how I feel FUCK no. It’s just that the barrier of experience can make the conversation immediately turn awkward from the other side not knowing what to say and me not wanting to make them uncomfortable. So, as much as possible I try to avoid that.

Secondly, mentioning Ben and how he died can sound a lot like I’m trying to grab attention. Which, I don’t want or ever intend to do. At this point in my life (to me, at least), his being dead has been solidified as fact. Which means that when I mention his death it’s more like I’m saying that the sky is blue or the grass is green. Saying the words has easier and easier as time’s gone on. Not everyone will get that being able to say them at all is in fact one of the ways I know I’ve taken some steps forward in healing. So they might assume that I’m trying to gain sympathy points when all I really wanna do is talk. (Most of this is just paranoia I’m aware but it’s still a valid reason.)

And thirdly...well, there’s just some things I can say candidly that not everyone is going to appreciate right away. They tend to be a mix of reminiscing about stuff my brother did or would totally do in a given situation and whatever situation I happen to be in. This can lead to morbidly funny things such as this story about a conversation my sister and I had:

(He really would pull a fucking stunt like that tho. Not to really be mean but because he was that kinda person. As an example, he would sneak into my room while I had my headphones on and scare the crap outta me just because he could and I wasn’t paying attention.)(I didn’t end up with a shittily wrapped present on my bed but that would definitely have been something)

Okay now that we’ve got that extra long preamble out of the way, I can now get to how I’ve been lately.

The year and a bit after Ben died was hard, but it was easy compared to 2016 for whatever reason (even though for obvious reasons I consider 2014 to be my worst year). I was feeling more and more broken and alone as the year dragged on despite my moments of relief whenever I hung out with family or talked with my online friends or went to my grief group. On my days off of work I was often just at the house, not doing much of anything and not having any motivation to do much more than watch videos. Sure I had my good moments, but those seemed to get drowned out by how dull and repetitive life felt. Months ticked by and I was getting more and more lonely and missing the fact that my brother would have been there with me to go to places (despite knowing that he would probably have been working on my days off, the loneliness doesn’t have a set logic behind it). I don’t think I would’ve done anything to myself (there’s no way I’d put my family through what we’ve been through again) but I was fully aware that something had to be done and soon.

So one day I decided to join a private livestream of an artist I’d backed on patreon. I’d initially starting giving her money because I thought she deserved it and I didn’t really care about getting a reward for it, but one night she’d posted about doing a livestream for her patrons and I decided to see what would happen. And I had a great time. Everyone was so chill and friendly, and it was fun seeing her draw pages for her comic and talk to her patrons about all kinds of topics. So the next time she streamed, I joined that. And since then I’ve joined in on other livestreams of other artists, met new, wonderful people, joined discord servers and in general I’ve just been feeling much better about myself. And definitely less lonely. I don’t always make friends very easily but I’ve found strong platonic connections with these friends I’ve made and in a very short period of time. And I hope that I’ve helped them as much as they’ve helped me lately.

By the way just so we’re all clear in this whole long ramble: I appreciate every single one of my friends, old or new, and you’ve all helped me out in different ways while I’ve been sorting myself out. Just because I might not talk to you about my feelings or issues doesn’t mean I don’t like you or I’ve suddenly stopped caring about you. If you feel like you didn’t do anything for me because I didn’t say anything about it I WANT YOU, YES YOU THE PERSON READING THIS WHO IS MY FRIEND, TO KNOW THAT YOU BEING YOU HAS HELPED ME PERIOD THE END. Really. I’m not just saying that. Everyone has contributed something that’s helped me out in recent months even if to you it was just a silly chat. Don’t think I won’t smother you in momfriend worry and assurances and positive callouts about how good you are if you don’t believe me I STG.

2016 was a hard year for everyone. Friends of mine have gone through really hard times, politics has played havoc with everyone’s emotions, well respected and loved celebrities have died...with the dawning of this year I can only hope for the best for everyone (despite the really shitty political climate) and offer some words of advice and encouragement: 

You CAN move on from your very worst day. Even the one that you never, ever wanted to happen. It’s going to really suck, but you can do it. You’ll feel like you’re in the bottom of a deep ditch with no way out, but there IS a path up. Finding it is something you’re going to have to figure out on your own, but there are other people out there who can help point you in the right direction if you need them. And if you don’t need anyone you can still find your way. Just keep moving, one step at a time. 

Don’t worry about being “slow” in recovering. Don’t even worry if you feel like you’re never gonna recover at all. 

There isn’t a competition to see who can heal better/faster/stronger/ever from something traumatic. 

The important part is that you’re moving forward, even at what you feel like is a snail’s pace because if you’re still moving and breathing you’re still alive. The objective is to stay alive for as long as possible. (I’m not saying that there won’t ever be times when you’ll break down because of your feelings as you move on. Hell I’m WELL AWARE that those points in time never really go away.)

What you need is perspective. The more time and experience you have, the better you end up being able to handle what hurt you. 

You might not think you’re important but I can guarantee you that if you died that people would feel your absence. It might not be the people you’d have expected, but they still will feel something because you’re gone.

Be gentle with those who lost someone, but you don’t necessarily have to walk on eggshells around them. Most of the time, they just want someone to talk to about their experiences. 

So, if you need any more metaphors or advice or just someone to talk to I’m willing to help however I can.

Also Ben, wherever you are, I hope you have a good birthday. We all still love and miss you, but we’re doing okay. I mean. just within this past month I’ve managed to draw you fairly well so there’s something positive. 

So you don’t have to worry about us from wherever you are on the other side. Really. Thank you for watching over us, tho. Happy birthday.