#this was a lot more angsty than initially intended oops

[cloudplaygrounds]

wangxian au wherein Wei Wuxian thinks he’s finally safe and wanted by someone. Where Lan Wangji thinks he has finally grasped onto Wei Wuxian for good. But alas, the world is cruel, wicked, and most certainly has some form of personal vendetta against them.

or

Another universe in which Lan Wangji has to watch Wei Wuxian run away from him.

Based on the lyrics from The Front Bottoms’ song Twin Sized Mattress

with tears in my eyes i begged you to stay you said 'hey, man, i love you but no fucking way'

Wei Wuxian had been staying with Lan Wangji in secret ever since the latest fight had broken out between him and Madam Yu…

It was a tale as old as time; Wei Wuxian finds himself in a minuscule amount of trouble for something he didn’t even do and then Madam Yu in turn goes ballistic on his ass. “You’re so ungrateful Wei Wuxian blah blah blah selfish blah blah blah our family would be better off without you BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!��� Usually, when these unfortunate situations occur, Wei Wuxian has mastered the art of shutting up and trying to become as small as humanly possible. He’s learned that just taking it is far less painful than trying to stick up for himself, yeah he stopped playing that angle a long time ago. Except this time had been different. So much different because when passing the yard, his shijie overheard the beginnings of a verbal lashing and had pointedly had enough of the way her mother acted towards Wei Wuxian, so this time she decided she was going to do something about it. Except that something ended up with Yanli being flung to the ground as her mother’s hand connected with her face instead of Wei Wuxian’s. Yanli, at the last second, had thrown herself in front of her mother’s force of anger, all to protect her precious a-xian. For once, Madam Yu was speechless as she gazed upon her own flesh and blood crumpled on the ground, wearing a face of horror and shock, much like Wei Wuxian’s own expression. Before anyone had time to move, Jiang Cheng was on the scene, running in after hearing the commotion. Meeting his sister at her side, Jiang Cheng took one glance up at Wei Wuxian, and muttered a single word, “leave.” So Wei Wuxian did what he knew best and ran away. He ran out the door and away from the house that had sheltered him since childhood. He ran as far as his aching limbs would allow, through streets and alleys, past buildings and trees. He ran until his own screaming thoughts could not be heard over the pounding of his heart. Wei Wuxian finally slowed down only when his legs had carried him to stand before an all too familiar structure, the Lan house.

Now Wei Wuxian sits at the edge of Lan Wangji’s bed, gazing back and forth between the pale glow of the moon and the quiet calmness of Lan Wangji’s face, peacefully blanketed in sleep. It is in these moments where Wei Wuxian gets to truly appreciate Lan Wangji for all that he is, without having to hide behind the compliments disguised as jokes or teasing loudly while quietly admiring. He gets to look at his face in awe of how someone who presents so rigid when awake can appear so vulnerable when eyes finally close. He thinks he will miss Lan Wangji the most, especially these still moments in time where he’s just a boy sitting beside another boy and for a second it doesn’t appear as if the ground will open up and swallow him whole. But, these moments tend to end as quick as they begin.

When he had first stood outside Lan Wangji’s window just those few weeks ago, out of breath and out of options on where to go and what to do, Lan Wangji had pulled him in without a second of hesitation. Wei Wuxian could never truly figure out just what made Lan Wangji act so kind towards him. Surly it couldn’t just be his outrageously good looks and cunning personality, really they had only interacted a handful of times here and there. These times usually consisting of Wei Wuxian teasing Lan Wangji until his ears turned a lovely shade of red or Lan Wangji sticking up for him in a situation where Wei Wuxian definitely did not deserve his kindness. Without even realizing it, Lan Wangji was kind of always just there when and where Wei Wuxian needed him even if he didn’t know it himself. Which is the reason why it makes having to do what he’s about to do that much more difficult.

Earlier in the day, Wei Wuxian was hiding in his usual spot in the closet while Lan Wangji had his daily guqin lesson with his uncle the next room over. Wei Wuxian happened to hear another person entering the room and had caught bits and pieces of a conversation seemingly between his Uncle Jiang and Lan Qiren. Jiang Fengmian was apparently trying to find Wei Wuxian, little did Lan Qiren know that he was right under his own roof, so Lan Qiren had regretfully informed him of his unknown whereabouts and sent him on his way. That’s when Wei Wuxian knew that he couldn’t possibly put Lan Wangji in this position any longer. Omitting the truth when it came to Lan Qiren was one thing, but for Lan Wangji to lie directly to his uncles face on Wei Wuxian’s behalf about his own whereabouts just could not stand. He cared about Lan Wangji way too much to let him be dragged down by his own string of bad luck. That’s when Wei Wuxian decided that he had to leave, leave the safety of a roof over his head and the warmth beneath the covers of Lan Wangji’s bed.

He had slipped out from beneath the blankets awhile ago, still just sitting on the edge of the twin sized mattress, not able to bring himself to move any further away. But alas, he is Wei Wuxian, and Lan Wangji…is Lan Wangji and so he cannot be selfish with this decision. He has settled with the fact that all good things must come to an end, he’s living on borrowed time as it is. So with one final show of willpower, Wei Wuxian stands up and makes his way over to the window he first came in through. Opening it with a careful slowness as not to allow any unnecessary sounds to escape. He was just about to duck underneath the pane, one leg already out the other side, when he heard a quiet, “Wei Ying?” Wei Wuxian knew in that moment that he’d been caught, so he slowly turned around, not expecting to see the sheer look of sadness and confusion splayed across Lan Wangji’s face. For a moment, no one spoke. The two boys just looked at one another, a silent conversation playing out between their eyes. Wei Wuxian saw the moment where Lan Wangji realized what was happening, and it was gut wrenching. Wei Wuxian started opening his mouth to say something, anything, when Lan Wangji cut him off with a singular choked out word, “stay” and then an even softer, but just as devastating, “please.” The breath caught in Wei Wuxian’s throat as he struggled to think of even a single scenario where he could stay, but in the end all he could do was let out a shaky breath and cast his eyes towards the floor as he muttered, “no fucking way.” And then he left. Left behind the safety and the warmth that had been freely given to him. Left behind promises of a better tomorrow. Left behind his Lan Zhan. And just like that, he was running away again.

[tyran-the-tyranical]

Did-Bits About The Fic and Scrapped Content

OK, welcomeeee, i'm gonna start chapter by chapter, though not every chapter will have interesting things to say (Bridge over troubled water is the worst chapter in the whole fic, oops) also there will be a little confession at the end of this.

The Compromise

This was actually supposed to be two chapters before I went with the whole 2-3k words per chapter goal, lol. So, the whole "reeks of death" thing was mostly due to it literally having visages of death everywhere, like those sailboats with screaming souls? Epic. I briefly mentioned this in one of the notes, but the whole stone thing rejecting oneself, yea that was a parallel between Messmer and the Tarnished, ofc in different ways but the message is still the same. You'll notice throughout there'll be a lot of comparisons between the two, as I intended the two to mirror each other. Still, unlike Messmer, I have also briefly hinted at another person the Tarnished will mirror, but it is extremely subtle, like one throw-away line brief. It won't materialize until Act 2, speaking of, I only have 2 acts in mind but if Act 2 keeps building up it may be 3 but no promises.

I'm looking back over the chapter as I write this since it's been a while but that raven sure came out of nowhere, but he has a purpose, as he kinda mirrors or symbolizes both the Tarnished and Messmer, mostly Messmer. I like to think Messmer sees her as a deliverer of death, an angel of death if you will, which ravens are associated with, but also the raven for the most part, he's trapped slowly dying with his bird friends all around him, and she believes he's just inclined to die, but he still fights back, deep down he still wants to live, and when she gives Messmer that choice, even though he's severely reluctant to it, some part of himself still wants to live, just like the raven.

OK, one of my favorite little bits is when she returns and she's like so this is where you choose to rot, and he looks to his mother's statue because, for a brief moment, he thinks it's her, but when she says she needs him alive he realizes it's not Marika, SGBABAABAO angsty I know. But I demonstrate how he internalizes himself, he desperately wants his mother to love him but is more readily to accept her disgust of him than her wanting him to live, he's that worn down.

I really didn't want him to just readily accept her proposal either, initially, he doesn't, he out right refuses and doubles down until she comes back and he's almost forced into accepting it, it's the same with his hatred for the Hornsent, because even though he claims its for my mom I swear, I like to think he's taking out his own self-hatred onto them, most likely sub consciously though, and this whole path of getting him out of the keep isn't going to be easy, and it takes a long ass time for him even to accept the idea that he was abandoned later one because he blocks it out, doubles down but the truth is too painful to confront, but the Tarnished is the one pushing him to confront it, and I'll speak more abt that in the next chapter.

Lastly, the whole snake thing writhing within him at the perfect moment was deliberate (also plot but still) since I like to think that the serpent within him, the abyssal one, despises Marika, haha deep down he despises his mother, anyway, and when the Tarnished offers him away out of his confinement, his duty in the keep, it stirs it to life, pressuring Messmer to accept.

Discarded

This was a great chapter, as in setting things up. See in my prep work I wanted a reason why Rellana and the Tarnished are different and their approaches to Messmer, they both have ehhh somewhat virtuosic goals if not painted by ulterior motives. So I settled on this; Rellana is comforting and kind while the Tarnished forces Messmer to confront uncomfortable truths and is entirely indifferent and cold to him. I think Rellana had good intentions but inevitably left him complacent in his own whatever, but also it's not her job to tell him murder is bad, tbh she joined him so I doubt she cared too much lol.

OKok, so the candle, the candle is important gamers, it represents the last flickering hope her has for his mother, and by the last chapter (spoilers) he realizes it burnt out a long time ago, and with that, his hope was gone a long time ago. Another point of symbolism is Rellanas helm, this will actually have a parallel in act 2 but that's hush hush for now. Anyway, it's like he's carrying that guilt of his comrades with him, he still burdens himself and wants to carry their memory, but it's also an act of punishing himself, he even says he doesn't like looking at it later on, the memories are tainted now and are too painful.

Funnily enough the whole reason I made the fic is bc I'm picky and I wasn't finding the fic I wanted to read so I made it, that means that Messmer and the Tarnished actually fucking hate each other, like they don't just accept what the other says, he calls her out for shit and vice versa, they're not pushovers or ready to warm up to each other, (spoilers) even by the last chapter they still fucking hate each other lol. The enemy part in enemies to lovers I'm afraid.

So, the dead fire knight was hinting towards Hornsent later on, it took longer than I expected but, he was the one to kill (I think its Salza?) at the bridge. Speaking of the bridge, I kinda realized I never gave a good description of the Tarnished, but I supposed she is unnamed and is basically a blank slate I do have more planned for her in Act 2, see an issue I came across was I had to compensate for her since you don't know anything about her, and tbh still doesn't lol. Anyway, I used them describing their initial impressions of each other as a good segway to include a brief description of her.

A Pink Sky

First things first- I accidentally sent them the wrong way, the hippo? yea, that was a mistake that I just rolled with. (it was not the only time I did this) Also, the Betrayal is completely non-canon, except that I think there are actually some banished knights dead behind the keep, otherwise, I made it the F-up senator. Also this is the first instance of Messmer kinda being reckless, initially before their talk in the next chapter I kinda wanted him to come across as reckless because deep down he kinda already subconsciously wanted to die, he wanted a release and he knew he wasn't going to leave the realm of shadow and he couldn't disobey his mother and kill himself.

Secondly, the pink sky title was supposed to foreshadow Romina but that took awhile also to get to, anyway, it was there.

Funnily enough, this is also the first chapter I think where he's reconsidering their alliance and wants to just kill her, like I said, bro doesn't change his mind easily, he's still fixed on killing that tarnished. Also the first mention of Radahn by Messmer, lol. This si also where they clash for the first time since the fight, arguing about resting and all, so silly. Finally, this is also where she notices the Marika seal in his eye, and originally she was going to bring this up later in an argument, telling him he had secrets too or something, whatever it was scrapped.

also these quotes:

"The forgotten sun now began setting upon the land, leaving an empty sky, bathing the world in its feverish hues"

The forgotten SON, FEVERISH HUES, yea yea its literally does nothing but I thought it was cool.

"He made his way to join the graceless figure and her soon-to-be pyre."

Ngl I cooked with this line.

One more thing, so in the betrayal flashback he mentions how Rellana would touch his shoulder and comfort him, and then the Tarnished wakes him up in the same fashion- CINEMA, also this comes back later in the last chapter, so keep that in mind.

Azadi

Azadi is a brand of yellow pomegranate if I remember correctly, that's the only reason it's called Azadi other than the fact it means liberty and freedom in Persian lol. Anyway, this chapter had two big jobs to fulfill, change Messmers mind about killing her, and break the ice between the two.

Also, yess the pomegranate has meaning, literally everything in this goddamn fic does. oh, woe is I. See it was also supposed to be a choice for Messmer, live or die, cause they represent a few things but they can symbolize life and death, and blood etc, and the yellow is the whole liberty and freedom, he can choose that if he just makes the decision for himself, and luckily he just holds off on that answer instead of outright rejecting it.

I absolutely love how petty they are with each other in this chapter, they wear their feelings pretty plainly on their leave. Yet I also like how she pulls him up on his shit, when he wasn't prepared to fight or stood to the sidelines, how he's calling him out on his own death wish, and here it is again, he's rejecting the truth, and doubles down, in sort of a show to prove to himself that he doesn't want to die, how could he? She also brings back his serpents, I wanted them to be their own characters even if they serve such a minimal role in the story, especially since they don't really speak, they're more of silent companions if anything.

originally she was really going to call out his death wish, say she'd fulfill it if she helped her with Miquella but it scrapped it, or rather remixed parts of it in, it was too much so early in so I left it as a suggestion or implication than an offer.

Actually backtracking to his whole being distant in the hippo fight, I had a scrapped idea that still kinda made its way in, which is that he's very hands-off in fights, as in he does it from a distance instead of getting down and dirty with, I think she even calls him out to herself later too, but its to demonstrate his detachment from his actions, he physically separates himself from the act, a mental block if you will, so he can do these terrible things while also protecting his own mind from everything he's doing. Like I said it never truly made its way in, its only vaguely alluded to.

The ending is so telling too, i do have a problem with too much telling instead of showing but her holding the dagger to her chest cause not even she herself trusts him yet is so epic poggers yippee.

Flames of Ambition 

This is the chapter I had to scrap over 1k words on, originally it was all about her and Alexander's relationship but that didn't really matter since she hasn't made it to Farum Azula so Alexander is still alive, but I did keep a remnant of the scrapped chapter in. This also proposes an idea for why she's doing this, that she's just avoiding having to kill Melina, though that isn't the only reason, but was the catalyst for her heading to the lands of shadow at the very least, a lot of her actions aren't just caused by one thing, its more of a domino effect, and we'll see that later on and more in act 2 too. (also the line about Melina being consumed by her own flames of ambitions, muah, cinema)

Next off, the scene with the cursed blade was maybe a little too silly, but it reinforces her reason to kill again since she's just trying to spare Messmer, to see if she can do it, that once she picked him, she had to follow through less her whole EXPERIMENT be for nothing. Also for the next few chapters, its really me just building up a psuedo report between them, silently acknowledging the other and saving them, its reluctant but still shows teamwork.

O Mother 

I wonder how many ppl i tricked with this title, thinking its was something to do with Messmer? nahhh, funnily enough Hornsent says the same line in his dialogue, and like I said previously, I do think Messmer wants to hate the hornsent because it's like a scapegoat for himself, he's a hypocrite, hornsent, even so, says in his dialogue that you let him kill Messmer with you in-game. This chapter also propagates Messmers need for his mother's approval, that he believes he can earn back his mother's love if he aids the Tarnished in killing Miquella.

Can I just say, writing for the Ruins of Rauh was a pain in the ASS, this thing is a maze, I literally needed a map up for it and TWO walkthroughs the understand the layout and I still made mistakes lol.

Also, originally when Hornsent confronts her, I had him say Nay! but I changed the to Níl since all the inhabitants of the realm of shadows have Irish accents, and I'm Irish so slay gaeilge all day babezzz. This also is the first instance where you're kinda like oh yea fuck, Messmer did a lot of fucked up shit, the confrontation with Hornsent and later Romina, they're the worst of what he'll have to confront and they're rlly important even if they haven't had a huge impact yet, they will trust. Finally, this is also the first point where she shows a real act of vulnerability, its when she's faced with the death of someone she considers an ally, even if it wasn't reciprocated. this is a big theme for her and will be even more evident in act 2.

Bridge Over Troubled Water 

The only good thing about this chapter is its name and ITS WASTED ON SUCH A MID CHAPTER AFKAFN, I picked the title as a sorta ode to Hornsent, if he was talking with his wife and all. The intro is from Messmers pov and bro calls him a cur, so that just shows how little respect he has for the hornsent, which also extends to the Tarnished. Anyway the chapter probably would've been cool visually but its kinda mid, it just demonstrates how destructive Messmer can be and yeaa, that's about it.

Lightless Creatures 

Its feigned concern, don't worry, he needs her alive to get home and that's it guys. So in this chapter its him kinda being manipulative, being all nice and eating the fruit as a sign of trust, its just to get information but like he said before he rlly cant contain his emotions well, and he breaks character at the reveal of Marika in the erdtree. So the bird thing was planned before hand, the burnt tree and the raven, but the whole one for a sorrow two for yknow, that was a last minute idea so idk if it comes across as silly or what, but its there. It builds up tension, or rather its starts an idea, leaves it and then later there's the pay off.

Can I just say, it is a CRIME that Rellana and Romina got NO dialogue, NO cutscene, NOTHING, and the scraps they did have were well SCRAPPED?! criminal. Anyway, this is one of the first catalysts that sends the Tarnished into an existential crisis, like hse's had those thoughts before but they've just been amplified slowly over time and this is what teeters her over the edge. In act 2, there will be a scene that mirrors the Tarnished and will help explain why she also had such a big reaction to killing Rellana, besides being friends with Ranni and killing her aunt, oops. Anyway, I already said the thing about the raven so next chapter.

Pursuit of Misery 

That song unintentionally fit so perfectly with the lore of elden ring mannnn, anyway, this starts of with more examples of Messmer spiralling, he's rlly starting to question things now after he's gained that information and he reveals a lot of backstory and weight on why he does what he does. He feels he's burden, that he's the stain upon Marikas legacy, not the Tarnished or Hornsent, but him. See I have it planned that he values himself in comparison to his mothers approval, and if she says somethings got to go, its gotta go. I didn't write her telling him about the truth of the hornsent as her grooming him into killing them in the future or some manipulation, though I'm certain she used that in the end. just that it wasn't her original intention, that they had a rlly deep bond early on, that she made the seals for him even if she eventually gave up, she toiled over her son until she just couldn't do it anymore, to be met with failure over and over.

Anyway, him and the Tarnished reconcile, they make a promise to be besties or whatever, and more lore is revealed. I decided that he doesn't know about Mohg and Morgott, and that the Tarnished was basically nearing end game when she dipped. Another little thing I am toiling over is yet to be decided but will depend on this chapter, ye have been warned.

The Divine Comedy 

Divine beast = Divine comedy, haha

His snakes coil around him in his sleep, brooooo, cute. anyway, the dream is first introduced here, but ill talk about it when we get to it. Anyway, this is the second instance of me sending them the wrong way, but I had already written so much and I decided to use it as a bonding chapter, have them fight in unison. At the end she says he's enough, she referring to her goal of sparing one of her foes, if she manages to keep him alive instead of killing him, that would be enough.

Les Fleurs du mal 

Its named after a poem, thats also used in an anime called aka no hana, the evil flowers. Anyway, to the dream sequence. The hands reaching out is his guilt, straight up, like I've said this isn't some big redemption story but I don't want to shy away from any feelings he might have and the consequences of his choices. It also builds up his relationships more, even if briefly. The abyss you say? ohhh to the abyss you say? ohhhh lol it was just referencing the abyssal serpent.

Pride is another downfall of the Tarnished, I wanted her to have a lot of flaws, to be imperfect similar to the characters in the game. She has killed her fair share of people, some who probably didn't even deserve it. Also, Yura is mentioned again here, he will be very important. I think the Tarnished and Messmer are both very prideful but shes gotten to a point in her journey where she can confront it, maybe not entirely successfully but its a start, and so is Messmer joining the Tarnished, its a start if anything.

ROMINA MY BELOVED, god I love her, slay gurlll. Anyway, she's the biggest road block in Messmers doubling down, since arguably she was just collateral in his crusade, and so were the people in the church, no one would be spared after all.

Look at what you've created! I am the shadow of your misdeeds, of your flame, for you are that sorrow, not I."   this line cooks until the last part, I think I tried to cram too much in, but ehh.

This is also the chapter where the Tarnished confronts him head on, she really doesn't like him, but notice that never once until this point has she called him a monster, its only in regards to his actions does she finally do it. ( I was also panicking abt pronouns and if you knew what she I meant so romina uses they them now)

This is also when she reveals Radahn is back bby. It hits more since he was closer with Radahn than any of his others siblings, and you'll see that later on with Godwyn. At this point I think he just wants things to go back to their complacency, to rot in the keep, he doesn't want to confront these truths any longer and just abandons the Tarnished to fight them alone. Origianlly for the fic, I had them touring through the rest of the lands but timeline wise that didn't work out, but I think its for the best, since Rauh is still a bastion of what was, its full of life that's been taken from the rest of the land.

Your Sword, Your Flesh, Your Fire... 

The title is actually just a quote from Yura lol, but this is rlly important gamers. she looks very different from how she looked back after she defeated Godrick, this is also important and will come up in act 2. But for Yura, I'm just going to reveal it now, I'm setting up a kinda father-daughter vibe, obviously not literally but vibey. She was very different back in those early days, not nearly as jaded as she is now, still prideful tho if anything. So actually after the Gauis fight I was going t have the chapter where she goes to the shaman village bc (spoilers) that's the place she actually decides to spare her next foe, spare Messmer. All those little moments were leading there.

Prince Of Eternal Slumber 

or how it was originally titled; Prince of Death. The Godwyn flashbacks were actually a spur-of-the-moment thing, and originally they were supposed to serve as a parallel to the Tarnished, Messmer would've compared how annoying they were but it felt weird since they were going to end up in a relationship and he compared her to his brother, and it ended up way better with Thiollier, as she parallels Messmer already and she didn't end things with Thiollier on a good note either. Also, I'm aware Godwyn was in the capitol when the dragons attacked but let's just presume he had already made it back by then.

I really don't know why i didn't put what I originally planned in this chapter when I first posted it, I just thought having him spare Thiollier was irrelevant but like NO?! anyway its fixed now.

Once More To See You 

This one hurt to write, the title and the flashback, UH, it was too much. Anyway, its even worse now that she confuses Ansbach for him and then the last chapter happens. This chapter finally starts their interactions before the big show down and an important thing I want to call out, as the Tarnished ascends the towers shes constantly looking up, noticing the grandeur, while when Messmer climbs he's constantly looking down, taking in the past and his own destruction.

When Doubt comes, When Doubt Comes in 

Obligatory hadestown reference here. Also the raven as of now, makes his final return, I felt it fitting to have him with ansbach considering their design and all, its sweet.

Now I'm Ready, I'm Ready Now 

Daniel Hart reference? in my fic? its more likely than you'd think. I had another Godwyn flashback bc I rlly wanted to expand more on Messmer, forget the whole mommy issues, he had more to show with his other relationships and I started that with Godwyn. He didn't join his side as he didn't join his comrades sides when the Tarnished came. There's a lot to say about the Godwyn flashbacks, so much actually, but its 4am rn and I'm speeding through these now.

The imagery of leda with reddened eyes is sick tho.

Age Of Compassion 

weeeee, ok, Miquella flashback? yes. also he's in the same spot Messmer was in in the first Godwyn flashback, circular narrative am I right guys? so I actually had a lot of this chapter already planned before I even started writing, but mostly the end conversation between her and Messmer.

Miquella totally tries to try and manipulate Messmer btw, but similar to the Tarnished, he doesn't necessarily lie, and no he didn't reveal she killed the demi gods, she just thinks that, but he says something more hurtful but that he could believe was true, etc. anyway, he's finally broken down, his bestie Radahn is nerfed, his mother doesn't love him or so he thinks, his siblings are all dead, and so his he cant try and hide his feelings, or double down, he just wants oblivion, if you notice Miquella says consign you woes to oblivian and then he says he wants to consign himself, he is his own woe. angst.

so the candle going out from the first chapter is brought back here, he grasps at the sand demonstrating the loss of control he's feeling, and the two helmets is him kinda turning a new leaf but not exactly, he's more or less leaving that part of himself with Rellana there.

And finally, I was playing with the idea of her slapping him and everything but I left it out, just another scrapped idea that I should mention lol.

Ok, I'm just gonna come clean right now, I have never played the DLC, not once. base game? sure, but I actually got the game bc of the DLC but I haven't even bought it lol, that's why I kept fucking up the locations and getting them lost.

bonus, heres a glimpse of my onenote notes:, you'll notice some variations or cut things, but this is a tiny snippet of the mess of my notes lol. (broken english? yes)

Edit:

ok so I have some more scrapped content here that I'll show off, but tbh I might use some of it in act 2, its not super spoiler heavy, just scrapped dialogue or ideas, but just a warning before hand;

"Yes, let that be their legacy; Dying for nothing"  in reference to Messmer's comrades, this would've been after the Romina fight, and so would this quote here In reference to sparing Mesmer “And what do I have to show for it? You?” very enemies coded.

Next off, here's is a scrapped scene, like a real one this time;

Eventually on their mission, he'll bring up what he's done and she'll dismiss it; not because she's trying to comfort him, she simply says it's irrelevant to their mission. He'll try to press it further, assuming she's unaware of his actions or the extent of them but she'll immediately shut him down- It's hard to be ignorant to it within a place that's permanently scarred by it, she won't coddle him, they both know of his atrocities and him reminding her won't suddenly change her mind on sparing him. He might question this, why she wouldn't enact revenge and she'll state that there's no benefit from continuing that cycle of violence. She might bring up him expiating his guilt or sins and him stating he feels no regret, that he has no guilt (he is lying to himself, still holding onto his mother's graces.) Tarnished might scrutinize this but will leave it there, then there's nothing more to be said. 

There's nothing inherently wrong with this but like I said I wanted the Tarnished to really push him, so her dismissing his actions even if for the moment, felt too much like Rellana so I scrapped it.

another thing I want to bring up it this;

Her sparing him was just as much a selfish decision as he was for continuing his crusade even through his doubts or if he even believed in his actions. She might confide that sparing him is as much for her own need to believe in something beyond violence as it is for him.

This was an idea for a scene but it never really made it out of the idea phase, the second part is silly but the first part, that she's being selfish in letting him live, I really like it. Because it is kinda true after all, he wants to just die with his men, and end his suffering and all she's doing is prolonging it for her own goals, now I wouldn't go as far as comparing it to his crusade but they're both to some extent selfish, because him wanting to die is kinda escaping the consequences of what he's done.

Finally, during their last spat in the last chapter, she was originally going to say "I won't coddle this self-pity!"  and it would've been a call back to when Godwyn said something similar, but I didn't include it. Why? I forgorrr, legit. I had it in my dialogue tab and not my general idea tab and I just forgot to check. oops my bad. idk if I'll try wheeze its way back in there or leave it, but at least for now you know the truth.

[iwritefandomimagines]

ELEVENTH DOCTOR x READER: “Things change.”

prompt #17 -- requested

masterlist

pairing: eleventh doctor x reader

description: when the doctor gets his timings wrong again, he finds a heartbroken you in your living room, years after he last left you at home. 

warnings: mega angsty. oops !

words: 1,600

Initially, you believed that whenever you next heard the sound of the TARDIS landing, you’d be ecstatic.

You’d expected to go running into the Doctor’s arms, swept away on some adventure or another that you’d remember forever. You pictured yourself content and excited and happy.

But that was then, and time had passed.

The last time the Doctor had dropped you off had been three years ago now. The man you loved had dropped you off to take Amy and Rory away somewhere ‘just for them’ for a day... But three years had gone by with no sign of them returning.

You’d spent at least the first six months locked away in your room, wallowing and crying in fear that he didn’t want to see you again.

But now that so much time had passed, you’d become too furious with the Doctor to want to see him again either. How could he just leave you here, forgetting about you entirely?

He’d told you he loved you -- had that truly meant nothing?

You were currently curled up on your sofa, a pot of ice cream in your hands and surrounded by a bundle of blankets. Your hair was unkempt, your loungewear the same you’d been wearing for a good few days now. Truth be told, you were in a mess.

Despite your infuriation, you’d never quite managed to fall out of love with the Doctor. That madman in the police box who’d whisked you away to places you’d never even imagined. He’d been your world, your safe place, and yet he’d been your breaking point too that moment he left you.

Right now you were reeling from yet another unsuccessful attempt at moving on. Another unsuccessful blind date, another failure to feel anything but apathy for any man who wasn’t the Doctor. Your Doctor. Why couldn’t you just move on?

And so when the TARDIS engine sounded, materialising right in front of you in your very living room, the fury coursing through your every vein was almost unbearable. Tugging your blankets tighter around your frame, you pretended to be unaware of the giant blue box blocking your view of another romantic comedy that only fuelled your sadness.

“Y/N!”

The sound of his voice sent chills rippling through your body, but you didn’t dare look up. It would be real then, you’d have to face the fact that he’d left you but all of a sudden was back.

“Oh Y/N! What’s the matter sweetheart?” he ambled towards you, pushing the blanket fortress you’d assembled out of his way. His head cocked to the side confusedly -- you’d changed. A lot. Had he gotten his timing wrong again?

The word sweetheart made butterflies flit in your stomach, but it was bittersweet to hear it again from his lips, and so all you could bring yourself to do was scoff.

His fingers reached up for a strand of your hair -- you’d dyed it in a feeble attempt to stop recognising yourself the way you did when you were with him -- twirling it around his finger as he tried desperately to make you meet his gaze.

“How long has it been?” his voice was barely above a whisper as he knew your answer couldn’t be good.

“Three years.”

Your words dripped with venom, your eyes harsh and your face set in a scowl as you finally made eye contact with him.

The Doctor felt his world shatter around him at that, the very fact that he’d let you down -- the most important person in his life and he’d let you down.

“Oh darling I’m so sorry,” he cooed, cupping your face in his palms and lowering his head to be closer to yours, “I promise that wasn’t ever my intention. It’s been a day... well, a week... but it was only because things got a bit hectic. I came straight back as soon as I could. You didn’t think I’d abandon you?”

You drew in a sharp breath, struggling to fathom the words to tell him just how you felt. Honestly, a small part of you was still ridiculously happy to see him again, especially knowing he’d never intended to leave you for so long. But he had, he had been gone so long, and you weren’t sure you could forgive that.

“Three years,” you repeated, as though trying to come to terms with it all over again yourself, “Three years without you, Doctor.”

He pulled you to his chest, almost knocking your ice cream from your hands as he did so with such urgency. He kissed the top of your head, your stomach doing flips as you felt so close to him again. But you were still fuming, and you couldn’t let it go.

“I’d never have left you alone for so long, Y/N. You know I’d never do that, surely.” he frowned.

“I thought I did,” you mumbled, before clearing your throat to speak more confidently. “I thought I knew. But it’s been three years, Doctor. Things change. I’ve changed. I’m not the naive girl you left in this room, struggling while you fawned over Rory and Amy.”

“What do you mean?”

“Even after you told me you loved me, Rory and Amy always seemed to come first. I feared being second -- well third -- best and then you unintentionally made that clear anyway.”

“Y/N, I love you, you know that,” he soothed, hands caressing your hair as he held you close, “I’ve thought about you every minute I’ve been gone.”

You shook your head, “That’s the problem, Doctor. So have I.”

There was silence for a moment, both of you too consumed with sadness to say anything. He couldn’t stand the notion of quite how badly he’d hurt you, and you couldn’t stand that though you were still angry and upset, you were relieved to be in his arms again, held by the man you adored.

“I-- three years,” he uttered, more to himself, still shocked, “I’m so sorry, Y/N. I know I’ll never be able to make up that time, but I want to try. I’ll never leave you behind again, darling. I can’t live without you.”

“I’ve had to learn to live without you, Doctor. I spent so long believing that it had been an accident but even now that I know that’s true it hurts. I love you, I’ll never be able to stop loving you, but I’m just-- this is so difficult.” you fought back tears.

The Doctor pressed a soft kiss to your temple, “I’ll never let anything like this happen again, Y/N. I promise. I’ll never let you out of my sight I’l--” 

You shook your head, pulling back a little to stare deeply into his eyes, mesmerised as always by their emerald twinkle, “I’ve tried so hard to forget you Doctor. And I never could. But I-- It’s made me realise that people spend their entire lives at your side and it’ll always mean more to us than it does to you.”

“That’s not true, Y/N. Not one person who I have travelled with has ever been unimportant to me, I’ve cared about every single one of them, always.” his voice was stern now, and you could tell you had hit a nerve, “And it’s different with you, Y/N. Everything is different with you. In hundreds of years I’ve never cared about anyone like I care about you. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you.”

You gulped, “But that’s the point -- you’ve had hundreds of years to try, to explore and to find someone. I only get one short silly little human lifetime, Doctor. It terrifies me that I know I’ll never love anyone like I love you, you’re the love of my life. But I’ll be like a... like a blip in your timeline when I’m gone.”

“Never,” He clutched your balled fists, pulling them to his lips and kissing the backs of them gently, “Everyone has a lasting impression on me, everyone matters. But you... Y/N, you’re absolutely everything to me. You say I’m the love of your life like that doesn’t matter to me. You’re the love of my life, darling. Surely you understand that.”

His words weighed heavy on your shoulders as you tried to digest them, even heavier as you tried to understand them.

“The love of your life?”

“Of course. The love of my life.”

“Oh.”

He laughed, capturing your face in his palms and pulling you towards him to kiss you. His lips were soft and warm, just as you remembered them, and you couldn’t help but melt immediately into the kiss as you felt all of your anger dissipate.

That was the thing, no matter how much he’d unintentionally hurt you, everything felt okay with the Doctor. No matter what, the Doctor’s very presence had always been enough for you. You were just grateful to have him back.

“I love you, Doctor. Please don’t leave me behind again.” your voice cracked.

“Never, Y/N,” he kissed the corner of your lips again gently, “I love you too, more than you’ll ever know.”

You suddenly felt conscious of your current outfit, your loungewear and messy hair glaringly embarrassing to you despite the fact that the Doctor wasn’t remotely phased by it.

“I-- uh,” you began nervously, “I would say where shall we go but, well I look like this...” the Doctor furrowed his brows as you blushed, before rolling his eyes as you continued, “But I just want to spend time with you anyway. Movie night? Like old times?”

“Absolutely, sweetheart. Absolutely.”

-------

eeee i hope you enjoyed this! sorry if it wasn’t amazing, i lost track partway through and tried my hardest to finish it... let me know what you thought. now that i’m back, requests are back open and my (updated) prompt list is here if you’d like ideas. also, my masterlist is here if you’d like to take a look!

thanks for reading <3

[aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoldretired]

I would like to hear about the punny girl

hnng thank you

i present you: kanon fukuda the ultimate filmmaker. do you get the pun?

kanon is my best girl. her backstory isn’t anything too like. angsty bc i know some can be angsty but her’s isn’t supposed to be about that. she grew up as the only child in a middle-class family with two parents who were confused by her hobbies and love of film but very supportive. also they grow to feel bad they gave her the name kanon bc all the jokes but it’s ok she kinda likes it kinda hates it. she actually got into filmmaking because she had an older cousin who acted as a sibling figure, and they would make home movies together. kanon would throw herself into her movies and kept producing and producing as fast as she could. eventually, she started entering them in both national and international youth film competitions and began winning titles. it’s at this point when she was scouted and started making professional short films. she had just finished working on her first feature-length film, which early reviews were calling her magnum opus to date, and exciting work from an up-and-coming filmmaker. 

the reason why kanon chose to attend hopes peak is that her older cousin died in the tragedy. she doesn’t know they died. she just knows they went to school and never came back, and the family keeps it hush-hush. besides the promise of success, she mostly wants to find out what happened - she assumes it was a bad accent or suicide but oop! additionally, kanon chose to attend because her feature film is to release to the public soon, and she wants to be occupied during this time to take her mind off of the reception. 

while kanon’s family backstory is pretty angst-free besides the missing cousin, kanon is still suffering p bad. she is diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. but! (unlike p much every other character in the series, it seems) she treats her mental health through medication and regular therapy (until she’s trapped at school). she’s very open about her struggle with mental health and enthusiastically tries to get better. 

as a director, she specializes in dark comedy, parody, and farce. she likes irony, and can always see the twisted humor in a situation, no matter how dire. this issss about where you might start seeing her fatal flaw. 

kanon thoroughly subscribes to the idea that comedy is born from tragedy, and that the rawest types of humor come from pain. she is known for going off her medication during the production of films and making a martyr of herself, taking pride in her horrible sleeping and eating schedule for her art. basically, every film student i’ve ever met. 

she enters the killing game very upbeat. when she finds out the truth, she is very defiant, confident in their ability to escape. she is constantly cracking jokes about the situation and observational humor, and her ideas during the trial are generally very….original. she is known for monologuing and speaking in paragraphs. during trials, she creates elaborate example situations that might seem like they’re unrelated or inconsequential but morally always tie back in. queen of the non-sequitur. early game free time events/island mode would mostly be about movies and genre, with the occasional mention about working hard to be healthy again.

she’s pretty friendly with monokume, subscribing to the philosophy that if you’re kind to him, he’s more likely to do what she wants. she’s often the student who will ask monokume clarifying questions on school policy or for access to supplies. for example, i like to think she asks monokume to provide another student needed insulin. when monokume initially refuses, she goes into a tangential scenario where if this student dies, then isn’t monokume the culprit? he’d have to be executed for harming a student. and what’s this? monokume has been harmed? the person who harmed monokume must be punished. and go round and round in a helpless circle while the students figure out a way to escape. at this point, monokume provides the insulin.

 however, after watching the first punishment, she begins to be filled with a deep despair. she is already dispositioned for despair, given her incredibly unhealthy habits regarding her mental illness and success, but she tries to resist. she remains upbeat, but after the first punishment, her dialogue takes a sharp turn towards dark comedy and macabre. from this moment on, she’s also a lot more skittish and easily startled.

after the first trial on, she will always make a point for thanking the group for being a good group of friends and making the time in hopes peak as tolerable as possible, in case they end up choosing the wrong blackened and all get executed. at the third trial, she follows this speech up with, “but if i die, you are all fucking idiots, way to let me down.”

most of her dialogue is biting, and despite the horror and despair she is filled with after every murder and execution, she can still find ways to crack a twisted joke. occasionally she will have a moment of clarity where she is candid about her feelings. 

- one free time event could feature her talking about her feelings towards actions speak louder than words. her example is couples who say they’re dark and twisted like bonnie and clyde, but really they’re two losers into bdsm. if they’d just say they’re two losers into bdsm, she could respect them. she then explains how the statements of personality are more to convince themselves than anyone else. towards the end, she laughs to herself and explains how she totally screwed herself over because Kanon prides herself in her sense of humor, but if she ever says it aloud, she’s not funny.

- another free time event could be explaining her relationship with death. she’s not afraid of it, but she wants to die on her own terms. she admits to never seeing herself growing old, and that’s she’ll probably be a part of the 27 club if she keeps on the path of a celebrity. 

her condition keeps devolving as the game progresses. more dialogue can include wondering why she is still alive and trying to cover it as a twisted sick joke. she stays upbeat, but as time goes on, you can see she’s slowly getting tired and beaten down. she’s also starting to take pride in her unhealthy lack of sleep, eating, or bathing. 

it’s after the third execution does she actually show a true moment of despair. after the execution and the classmates are silently riding in the elevator back, she announces how she does not plan to live through the game. she does not see any possible reality where she will escape hopes peak. she does, however, make it clear that she will be dying on her own terms. she gives her blessing to the group that anyone can try to kill her, but be aware she won’t go down without a fight.

her free time events are filled with more raw emotion and despair with tinges of humor instead of humor with tinges of despair. 

- she elaborates on what she meant in the elevator as to die by her own hands. she does not want to kill a classmate because she knows her disposition could never handle the trial, let alone the killing part. but she also doesn’t want to die by her classmates without a fight. and she doesn’t want to commit suicide because she has too much pride while also being too much of a coward…

- she explains how this story could be a great script, really, if it weren’t all so real. this generation’s battle royale. she actually gives kudos to the design of each punishment and admits they are inspiring if she ever wanted to do a genre flip and become a psych thriller director.

- just. asking why she isn’t dead yet. why not her? why not?

i want her to be a pretty late game survivor because i think it’s impactful to show her fall into despair, which she uses to harm herself instead of others mostly. it is also after chapter three you truly get to see her martyrdom come out. she has slowly shifted from less of a friend and more towards an antagonistic role, not because she’s a threat, but because she’s literally so full of despair.

anyways. you see her talking to monokume while the rest of the group arrives. before the fourth trial, she does her normal thanking of her classmates and pulls the protag over to thank them personally for the good times and making it the best they could. the protagonist is suspicious of this behavior and wonders if she might be guilty, but the evidence points she is not. the class correctly votes for the blackened. while everyone is waiting for monokume to go forward in the punishment, they’re confused by the delay. monokume is fuming, and it’s revealed. there’s a miscount. one student purposefully chose not to vote, which is a punishable act. the student? kanon.

she always insisted she would die, and she would die on her own terms. she had created a narrative in her head where if she dies a martyr, she will always be remembered lovingly by her fans before any unfortunate career downfall. the director ahead of her time, and gone too soon. she became obsessed with this narrative around chapter three, and the third execution sealed the deal. by the time of the trial, she figured out she could die a death fit for a star while also dying on her terms if she willingly triggered a punishment. 

ive kind offfffff figured out what her last speech could be before her punishment? she explains how “comedy is derived from pain, right? and if i intend on being the greatest director of my time, i need to go through the most suffering. i was born to die a martyr, i was just hoping one of you would do the hard part. but since no one has the balls, you can all suffer with me. see you in hell shitheads” she then asks monokume if her cousin who attended here, were they killed or executed? (was it kill or be killed?) monokume thinks for a second and responds. she smiles and says, that’s all she needed to know. gives a wink to the protag and flicks everyone off as the collar yoinks her off to her death. 

punishment would probably be something with “light camera action” or “ready steady shoot” and be a LITERAL pun on the camera shoot. bc, she’s shot. alternatively, if i were to decide that instead of a generic dead body in the tragedy, she could be related to an actual main game character pref someone who was executed, she could have to play that part in the execution and die the same death, but this time with like. monokume film crew everywhere and actual monokume in the director’s chair with a beret. either is a fun idea.

____________________________________________________________________

i’m a film major, and her character is heavily based on the kind of students and filmmakers i see and work with. there really are people like this who believe suffering for art truly makes them better than others and will purposefully put themselves through psychological torment. additionally, i wanted to see a more realistic portrayal of mental illness and show a character who (at one point at least) treats and is trying to maintain health. in the end, kanon is a narcist who lets her ego get in the way of her wellbeing and success. 

also, kanon’s outfit is so stupid she has strawberry blond hair in a bob with like a widow’s peak, silvery-blue eyes, and wears a big flowy short sleeved button-up shirt, and olive-colored shorts. she has a big pair of aviators she wears tucked in the collar of her shirt, statement earrings, a pop watch, and lots of rings. and she is def not straight ut it’s not like she’s pursuing romance she’s pursuing death

[avesnongrata]

Can I ask for all of the writer asks for Gone to the Dogs? If that's too much then just number 7 please

Yussss I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. Thanks for the opportunity!

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way?It started off as a roleplay! We were talking blackhill meta, and it turned into Nat (me) and Maria (Woodface) getting into a fist fight over the fact that Maria didn't tell Nat that Fury was alive. Once we got going with that scene, we realized hey! this is really fun. We decided to try a few other scenarios, seeing what we could come up with. When we started, we didn't intend to share it with anyone else; it was just something we were doing for fun. I don't remember the exact point where I realized we had something really good going, but I do remember saying to Woodface, "you know, if we polished this up and put it on the internet, I think people would go nuts for it." She took a little convincing, but by the time the infamous scene in the gym came along, we agreed we needed to share it.

2: What scene did you first put down?We decided I'd write Nat's POV, Woodface would write Maria's, we'd stick them in a room together, and we'd see what happened. That's all the planning we put into it to begin with. The whole fic happened chronologically after that.

3: What’s your favorite line of narration?It's too long a fic to pick out any single line as a favorite... I've got a soft spot for Ch 4: Down Time (both my bit and Woodface's bit) and Ch 25: Run For It. I'm also really proud of the big fight scene between Maria and reverted-back-to-Natalia Natasha in Ch 38. Maria headbutting Nat in the face and then Nat pretending she was gonna shoot Maria so she could shoot the guards instead? Epic.  

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue?> obvs! see also:Mine: "If you could do something - anything - right now, what would it be?" (That whole conversation, really)Woodface's: "Fucking hell, Romanoff. There's fuck them and leave them, and then there's you." (That whole exchange, too)

5: What part was hardest to write?The whole shore leave arc was hardest for me. I had some personal issues going on at the time, so I was in the absolute wrong headspace for writing domestic fluff or intimacy. Funnily enough, I had no problem writing the fucked up fight!sex in the gym, but the good, sweet, nice sex in Maria's apartment was like pulling teeth for me. I knew Nat wanted it and was ready for it, but it was very hard to write it like that. It was hard to keep my own feelings from infecting Natasha's. I kept having to rewrite things because they were too angsty, or I would have to write through the feeling of my skin crawling.

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?Aside from being my first (and only) collaborative work? GttD was the fic that made me believe I am a good writer. Now I'm in the process of writing an original novel and several comics with the hope of getting something published eventually. I don't know if I'd have the guts to try if it weren't for GttD. Being able to start and finish a project like that, not to mention getting all the amazing feedback from the best fandom I could imagine? Life-changing. Truly.

7: Where did the title come from?You know, I still don't really know. It was supposed to be a placeholder. It's the title Woodface gave the google doc when we were first messing around with the roleplay, and it just sort of stuck. I think it fits, though. Gives the whole thing a sense of 'well fuck, this is gonna be a hot mess. bring it on.'

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it?Not really? Not that I am aware of, or was aware of at the time. I think I probably got the idea for stealing Maria's shirts from a story my mom tells from when she was in college, but it wasn't a conscious decision on my part. (It's a great story: she stole aaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll her hallmate's clothes while he was in the shower, then she put them all on reserve in the library.)

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?Hoo boy, yes. There were a couple of times we'd get into a scene and realize, oops this isn't going anywhere fun or useful, so we'd back up and try again. For example, we wrote a whole sex scene in the showers after their very first sparring match in chapter 8. However, at that point in the story they were nowhere near ready for it. Not even close. Scrapping that scene was a great decision, even though it was super fun to write. Maybe I'll polish it up as a deleted scene/bonus material.Most notably, the entire ending is way different than I'd originally intended. At first, Natasha was just going to be wrong about SHIELD orchestrating her relationship with Maria. It was all supposed to be paranoia on her part. She ran away. Fury brought her back. She was humiliated. Maria was hurt. Simple as that. Nat fucked up, and it destroyed all the trust and understanding they had between them. The story was supposed to end with them breaking up because of it. I know, I know, that's cruel. I wanted to do a sequel where they fall out of touch for a while, and then get thrown back together as part of the Avengers Initiative. I wanted to explore them working through their old grudges and hurt feelings, learning how to work together again, rediscovering their connection and attraction, falling back in love. (my very favorite fic ever - a series I rank up there with my favorite books ever - did something similar. The emotional impact was spectacular.) Obviously, that didn't happen. Woodface wasn't into the idea, and we both agreed it was better to wrap up the story in a single fic rather than attempting a sequel. We still needed a way to get past the shattered trust, hence the whole Red Room chemical programming story arc.

10: Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story?I was in love with them! Really, there was no way this story would have happened to any other characters. Blackhill got me back into the fic writing game after years of no writing whatsoever. They're still my best inspiration.

11: What do you like best about this fic?The fandom! I never imagined it would catch on so thoroughly. I never thought I'd get to be a part of such an amazing, interactive experience. Story-wise, I think I'm proudest of 1) the sex scene that did absolutely nothing to resolve the sexual tension between them and 2) the plot twist of having Natasha run away due to her super sinister chemical programming.

12: What do you like least about this fic?tbh if I had to go back and change it, I'd probably try to streamline the ending. There's a lot of fluff in there, and it does weird things to the pacing. I was okay with keeping it because GttD is fanfiction (we WANT to see all the cuddling and touching and kissing and love declarations!) but I'm well aware that it's not exactly the best storycraft.

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?Oh man, I really need to get off my ass and curate a more cohesive playlist. In the meantime, here's this one.

14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?I wanted people to love blackhill! I still get comments about how GttD sold people on Maria and Natasha as a ship. I love love love knowing my work helped bring new people into the fandom. It's a great feeling.

15: What did you learn from writing this fic?The whole thing was a lesson in improv and character consistency. By the time we got to the end of each arc, we'd already shared the beginning, thus it was canon and unchangeable. We had to move forward without getting to go back and alter any of the plot or character beats that we'd already established. It was quite the challenge, but it was really fun. I'm amazed how well the whole story ended up coming together, considering how unplanned it was.

[miss-m-calling]

Chocolate Box 2018 letter

Requesting (fic for all three):

Black Sails (Miranda Barlow/John Silver)

Jack Irish (Simone Bendtsen/Jack Irish)

Starred Up (Oliver Baumer/Eric Love )

Black Sails

Miranda Barlow/John Silver

I recently fell into this canon head-first and found myself with a special fondness for this ship, although they never really interact in canon at all. I definitely see it as an early seasons ship, not just because Miranda was, you know, alive, but because the early Silver was the ever-scheming trickster with a smile and a smart-allecky comment always up his sleeve, ever ready to lie, cheat, steal, and murder to his best advantage, yet already with glimpses of a capacity to care about people other than himself. What I’m saying is, he was fun to have around in a way the later Silver somewhat lost as the price of his character development.

We know Miranda has an eye for a handsome man. I suspect S1-2 Silver totally would bed the captain’s woman if he thought he could get away with it or it could be a way to manipulate Flint, only Miranda is smart and pragmatic, has a core of pure steel, and can see right through Silver, which I’m convinced she would. Unlike Flint, Miranda has done her grieving and she’s so ready to move on and feel alive again. Not saying that Silver would become another great love of hers, but they could have fun. He’d make her laugh. After years of Flint’s moods, Silver would be so easy to get along with. The sex could be great and not angsty or merely dutiful. He’d inevitably find an angle to play, but then Miranda’s no stranger to maneuvering around and with people, so maybe she’d find that his manipulative ways are half the fun. They might even fall in love for real, though that’s not a requirement, and I definitely don’t think love would be the same as absolute trust in this case. (Also I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make the relationship revolve around their shared fixation on Flint, or focus on Miranda’s angst about Thomas or the legacy of Thomas/Flint. These can be mentioned, but I’d prefer that doesn’t hijack the story.)

Prompts:

-Flint sends Silver to Miranda with a message or on an errand, and thinks nothing more of it (or possibly he wants Miranda’s assessment of how much he can trust the “new cook”). But then Silver and Miranda are intrigued by each other and start finding excuses to see each other again. Bonus points if they orchestrate encounters in a way which allows them both to pretend they don’t actually want to see each other again, it just happened, sometimes things just happen but now that they’re both here they might as well take advantage of this opportunity, etc.

-S2 divergence: James dies at Charles Town, and Miranda lives. Silver may or may not lose a leg. Silver and Miranda have to assume at least temporary leadership of the crew in order to get everyone safely back to Nassau. Do they become pirate co-captains or lady captain and her quartermaster? Do they dissolve the crew and try for a different life? Do they make a play for the Urca gold, after Silver confesses his double-dealing to an angry, grieving Miranda (Jack maybe doesn’t capture the gold, it’s still up for grabs, or if Jack does how does that play out)? I mention lower down I’d prefer no angsty sex for these two, but in this scenario I could see any sex that may happen being, at least at first, angry and angsty, but also conducive to emotional healing.

-Actual witch!Miranda. I mean storybook witch, with a cauldron in which she brews that invulnerability potion for Flint and possibly some broom-flying, rather than a Wiccan or another kind of real witch. Maybe she needs a human participant or human-sourced ingredients for some of her most powerful spells, and since Flint isn’t really comfortable with magic Miranda decides that the new ship’s cook will do, only magic has a way of binding people together more closely than they intended. Or maybe she attempts to bind a familiar, hoping for a cat or a bird, and the magic picks Silver, much to her (and his) initial consternation? Maybe Miranda doesn’t really know what she’s doing, she used to dabble in London but hasn’t tried making a spell in years and has none of her books of magic with her, or she’s heard the crew’s rumors about her and decided to give this whole magic thing a go, and oops it actually works! Either way, there would definitely be snark and “if I give you X for a spell, what’s in it for me?”

-Flint respected and cared about Miranda, but also kept her waiting on the sidelines while he did stuff. Gimme Miranda and Silver at a point where they trust each other, maybe not completely, but enough that they can scheme together, where she is impressed by his quick wits but she’ll also tell him when one of his plans is likely to go wrong in XYZ different ways. Then, obviously, they execute a plan/heist by drawing on their combined skill sets.

-Fucking someone is easy. Sleeping the night through next to that person is hard.

-Speaking of which: sex. With or without plot. In the bed, in the kitchen, in Nassau, on The Walrus when the rest of the crew is on shore-leave, or a stolen moment during the journey to Charles Town. First times, later times. Any position is good, I’ll just mention a couple possibilities: Cunnilingus with a side of mind games. Pegging. Fingering (of either by either). Intense (emotionally and physically) PIV. I could see them both initiating sex and wanting to “direct traffic” at one time or another, both wanting to keep up a front but then being ambushed by actual emotion and vulnerability. Let it be happy and giggly, or passionate, or playful, or unexpectedly tender, or seemingly casual and then very emotional and heartfelt – just please don’t let it be angsty.

-Miranda discovers she likes to get her fingers in Silver’s hair during sex, both gently and not. He likes it too, which is not to say he’ll necessarily admit he likes it.

-Sexual role-play: the demure lady abducted by a wicked pirate, only it turns out the lady’s resistance is symbolic at best. Who gets to play the lady and who the pirate is entirely open. If Miranda’s the lady, I suspect early seasons!Silver’s attempts at being menacing and dominating may make her break character for a giggle – and if Miranda’s the pirate menacing the demure and naïve, er, young gentleman, I’ll just say that I think she should wear Silver’s clothes (after washing them or making him bring a spare set).

Two general points: whatever you end up writing, please don’t kill off Miranda or imply she dies “off-screen.” Let her live to fuck Silver another day. Also, I love Flint/Miranda in all their angsty glory, and I love all the intense, complicated emotion of Flint & Silver and the potential of Flint/Silver. I know I said not to make the fic revolve around Flint’s influence on their lives, but I’m fine with Flint in a walk-on role, if you want to write that. I don’t see him making too big a fuss, Miranda definitely treats her brief affair with the pastor as her business and her business alone – I can see Flint being exasperated that Silver hanging around Miranda is now a thing, or suspicious of Silver’s intentions but also trusting Miranda to handle it.

Jack Irish

Simone Bendtsen/Jack Irish

I enjoyed this show a lot: how often and unexpectedly funny it was, how absorbing the mysteries were even when I didn’t buy every plot twist, how the canon treated complicated adult relationships as complicated and adult, how everyone wound up in a better place by the end than they’d been at the start but this didn’t always (or almost ever, really) mean a conventional HEA. I liked the intricate plots and all the Australian details of the setting, but I loved especially the character interactions and the ensemble cast, and these two reminded me of couples from old screwball comedies in how they played off each other.

Jack: dryly funny, tragic backstory but not overburdened with it, bit of a lone wolf but also with a lot of very different, good people in his life, sometimes his own worst enemy, not an alpha male at all and that’s just fine. And Simone, oh I loved Simone: smart, snarky, motor-mouthed, independent but also wanting to be taken care of a bit, somewhat socially awkward, hypercompetent, self-deprecating. I started shipping them right at the start (the “do you always talk this fast?” “do you always listen this slow?” exchange), loved how they keep needling and bantering easily, how during the time skip between seasons they become super close and rely on each other as both coworkers and friends. I have different degrees of tolerance for their canon relationships, so feel free to ignore or handwave those, and anyway: Jack knows Simone well enough to buy her a vintage Han Solo figurine in original packaging as a wedding present – and then promptly gets mistaken for her new husband!

Prompts:

-Casefic! Between Simone’s investigative skills and Jack’s willingness to get beaten up a lot and his sorta action skills, there’s nothing they can’t solve.

-Jack brings Simone along on a stakeout or a road-trip to run down money Harry’s owed. There’s banter. Lots of banter. And possibly falling asleep in the car.

-Simone gets to interact with Cam and Harry, or with the old codgers at Jack’s local. Whether she and Jack are together or not, everyone can see it.

-Show me them growing close during the time between seasons: how they went from him calling her always “Miss Bendtsen” and teasing her about her dating profile handle to her wanting him at her wedding.

-Canon divergence: Jack goes to Manila to investigate the Holman-Dang Bank and brings Simone along, or calls/Skypes her for snarky consultations and finally asks her to fly out and help him. Danger, thrills, bringing down an international crime syndicate, and possibly sex ensue. Bonus points if they work together with Marek/Orton, he of the dry wit and the extensive local knowledge. Or Jack and Simone take part in some handwavy local ritual and wake up married.

-Takeout and movie night. There is banter, of course. All the banter. And probably some whiskey too.

-Instead of the council forcing Jack to move his horse out of his yard, he enlists Simone in helping him smuggle the horse (to a paddock on Melbourne’s outskirts, or another temporary shelter as ill-suited as Jack’s yard had been) in the middle of the night. If one or both of them end up riding the horse, all the better.

-Their first time. Especially if it’s a little awkward, and a little funny, and maybe they had a few drinks to psyche themselves up, and maybe they’re still figuring out whether they’re better as friends or they have real potential as a couple – and it ends up being enjoyable despite their hang-ups and insecurities.

Starred Up

Oliver Baumer/Eric Love

I liked what the movie did with the father-son relationship and its influence on both men’s character development – but I really wish they hadn’t got Oliver out of the action before the story’s climax (not like that!). The final denouement with Love father and Love son was great, as was the hint at the end that Eric learned something in anger-management group and has a support network that will help him a lot, but I would have wanted to see more of the intriguing dynamic between Eric and Oliver - the intelligent, semi-feral, yet not-incorrigible, young thug and the educated, dedicated, kind yet aware of his own potential for violence, slightly older counselor. I would love to see Oliver return to holding his group in prison, so the two of them can interact more, either in the movie’s immediate aftermath or years down the line (it was hinted that Eric will be serving a very long sentence).

Prompts:

-More scenes from anger management or the free-flowing conversations in group, either with the other men present (because I loved their group dynamics, their training in anger management techniques, and their ribald, un-PC, yet constructive talk) or in a one-on-one session between Oliver and Eric.

-An oblique or open-but-undramatic admission of love/investment/affection/desire, or just a declaration that they both know there’s something there but they probably don’t want to name it, get into the details, and it’s too frustrating given their circumstances, but they both know and accept it’s there - well, I would love that.

-Dirty talk: used for arousal, as a defense mechanism, as a form of flirtation. Eric using slurs to assert dominance, and Oliver not letting him hide behind foul language, when he can use other kinds of colorful language to express actual emotion and sexual interest. There could definitely be some verbal taunting/flirting about who wants/is eager to do what or is good at doing something. There may be some sniping comments about logistics and (lack of) condoms and barebacking and what men get up to in prison. There probably wouldn’t be deep discussions about sexual identity.

-An emergency in the prison requires a lock-down, so Oliver gets temporarily stuck in Eric’s cell or another room with only Eric for company. Sex ensues. It could be a few months after the movie, or it could be after Eric has had some time to become a fully mature adult. Eric might seem like the logical initiator and/or dominant partner, but then Oliver might (or might not!) surprise him and is definitely the one more in touch with himself.

-Eric is eventually (handwave it so he gets early parole or make it happen years and years down the line) released and crashes with Oliver while he adjusts to the outside world, and there’s awkwardness, probably some male chest-thumping, and eventually fucking. The sex could be pretty rough or go-for-it-no-frills, yet enthusiastic and eager and unexpectedly tender (even if either or both don’t want to admit it).

-A progression/escalation of sexual contact over a series of encounters, possibly starting with just words or masturbation (of oneself or the other or mutual) or some other form of arousal, to blowjobs and who already knows how to give them and who expects them as a given and who learns how to give them, and ending in full-on screwing. Or any one of these individual moments, really!

-At some point, probably not their first time but when they’re used to each other and have a chance to take their time and have real privacy, Oliver ignores Eric’s come-on-already and goes super slow, to make Eric fall apart with pleasure *and* have an actual emotional reaction to sexual intimacy, which he wouldn’t be able to brush off as just of the moment.

LIKES:

I love pre-canon, canon, post-canon, canon-divergent, and “missing scene from canon” stories. I love character-driven and plot-driven stories equally, and I love fics which mix humor and angst/serious business when appropriate for the canon.

I love irony, snark, 5+1 stories, long fic and short fic, bittersweet endings, hopeful endings, happy endings, unhappy-but-stoic (in terms of where the characters end up) endings, ambiguous or and-the-adventure-continues endings, canon-fitting humor, characters who are their own worst enemies as well as those who learn to get over themselves, characters with conflicting values which may or may not be reconciled/resolved in a believable and IC way, characters who treat each other with respect and as equals even if they hate/annoy/can’t stand/love to dislike each other.

I love workplace stories (this can mean anything from an office/procedural setting to anything that revolves around the canon world in which the characters live) in which the characters are competent and dedicated to the job, and while they may not be exactly friends and they may well irritate one another, they still manage to rub along to get the job done and maybe even grow to care about one another (much to their surprise and sometimes reluctance/discomfort). For friendship and family dynamics, I love to see how the many layers long relationships of this kind can play out: the recrimination, the regrets, the humor, the love.

In terms of ship dynamics, I love (where it fits the characters) banter, competitiveness or antagonism or a degree of distrust shading into attraction (this tension need not be resolved), bickering yet loving couples, faithfulness, characters who are serious about their romantic interests, characters who think they are much better at flirtation than they actually are, characters forced to work together only to prove much more compatible than they initially assumed, fics which mix an exploration of characters’ professional and everyday lives with shipping.

I don’t have any very specific likes for smut, other than smut fitting the characters – show me how their canon dynamics spill over into the bedroom (or other place of congress). Let me hear their canon voices during the sex, either in POV narration or in dialogue.

Oral, vaginal, anal, manual (ifyouknowwhatImean) – it’s all good, go as veiled or as explicit as you like. Things which are all great: kissing, foreplay, seduction, a bit of sexual teasing, daring each other to go further, asking one’s partner to verbalize their desires.

I like sexual scenarios that subvert expectations a little and surprise the characters themselves (e.g., the person who’s usually quiet or more passive taking charge, the more aggressive person goes with it possibly snarking or commenting on it as long as they can). I also like sexual scenarios that contain an element of competition, antagonism, people having to overcome their own inhibitions or insecurity by just bulling through to where they can let themselves enjoy it, oh-god-this-is-a-bad-idea-but-we’re-going-for-it, I-hate-that-I-want-you-oooh-don’t-stop. Not wanting to admit feelings or show vulnerability except oops it happens anyway, whether the characters acknowledge it or not, or just people getting way more into it or being more affected by it than they thought they would. Also situations in which people have been acting competitive or fine-fine-shut-up-already and then jump into the sex with great enthusiasm even if still snarking. Also situations in which people who’ve wanted each other for a long time but couldn’t admit or act on it for reasons – and maybe weren’t sure or wouldn’t let themselves believe the desire was mutual – finally get a chance to do it, and it’s intense and emotional.

DNWs:

Hard kinks, MPREG, A/B/O, knotting, D/s, incest, genderswap and genderbent characters, ace/aro/trans/non-binary headcanons, non-con and dub-con, torture and abuse, dwelling on bodily fluids (mentions of gore and come are fine, but no loving detail please), vore, underage, toilet humor, character bashing, soulmates and soul marks, major character death (unless it’s canon – Miranda dying is the exception, in fic she lives!), pregnancy and children as the lynchpin of the story, characters agonizing over/analyzing/dwelling on their or others’ sexuality as if it’s the sum total of their existence, secondary characters acting like shipping the main pair is their be all and end all, teeth-rotting fluff and schmoop, issuefic, fic written in the first or second person, holiday setting or theme, fics which revolve around weddings and birthdays, AUs which have nothing to do with canon (cop characters working in a coffee shop, high-school janitor characters in space, etc.)