#this was 12 hours of my life dont let this die

[plague-of-rats]

"The beauty of an Angel scourned"

Gabriel says happy pride month (incoming pride piece of papa's special boy)

[skunkes]

if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.

[patchiko]

Arkham Knight Relationship HCS !! <3

( light nsfw, mostly SFW tho!! )

literally my wife ( i made this pic idc abt creds i just wanna talk abt it)

SFW !! <3

dying on this hill when i say basically any red hood would be soo yummy with a civilian or just someone who is extremely balanced.

im a red hood needs more fucking normalcy in his life TRUTHER.

relationship starts off slow, romantic and platonic, you need to be patient with him long enough for him to get over his mental dilemmas to feel ANY-TYPE of way towards you.

more then like 6 months lets be real yall

his way of bonding is quality time. ill die on this hill, especially at the start of the relationship. Nothing huge maybe just spending a couple extra minutes around you before leaving.

next is probably gift giving, esp with early relations, probably just gonna order you food or put fifty bucks on your countertop. you dont even notice until you realize you find a fifty around the last place he was standing. expect deliveries from R.H whenever he feels bad for something.

doesn't like being around for too long, feels like he's messing up something. ruining your day by keeping you up late (he was there for fifteen minutes), ruining your mood, (there was an awkward silence for like 30 seconds.)

not a overly conscious thought process though, he feels physically he isn’t supposed to be there. for whatever subconscious thing he picked up on, a awkward silence, or hes been there 15 minutes too long or something

well sometimes he'll mentally beat himself up.

he spirals a lot, needs someone to pull him out of that.

i think when he needs to be grounded, its not just comfort its making him feel alive in the present moment. he's never gonna truly forget about his traumas but maybe for just an hour or two; running around an arcade, walking around the city. just making him feel normal, yeah you BAGGED his ass quick.

he needs someone patient, really patient, someone whos very attentive and empathetic. (but not a complete push- over def needs someone to set him in line still)

i think if you move to quickly, he'll get super snappy and ghosting you,, ong put ur hands on him too early and he's left hooking you.

yeah you're waking up and the first thing your hearing is "Its been 12 years..."

second thing you hear is "you've been in a coma for.. 12 years."

third thing you're hearing is, " we think a bus hit you...”

obviously not touchy, even when he is settling down. hes just not sure how to .. or where to .. or why he wants too.

please his mental gymnastics get so crazy, just sit down with him and put on some silly ass movie so he stops

when he’s settled he cant pry himself off you though.

a lot of his expressions can definitely be told by his body language, naturally hes tense but theres certain habits he has when he's maybe thinking too much, or fustrated/irritated.

but he does all of the same for you, comfort, love, as much as he can he tries

Very attentive, has a mental list of 'shit you do when somethings wrong' or 'shit you like.'

doesn't consciously make any of these mental list, he just knows.

"didnt they say they liked this?" He pauses "shit ill just leave it at their window."

so he's like canonically smart as shit.

you have too much work from your boss or professor? hand it over its done in less then two hours.

literally buys you groceries and pays your bills (fucking lover boy.)

arkham knight finally figuring out how to ask for a hug (hes been dead silent for 5 minutes) (link) <— insta reel

HES A CHEM/HISTORY NERD FOR SURE

NSFW !! <3

probably- A FUCKING VIRGIN !! HES A NERD !! GETS AWKARD AS SHIT. WITH RAGING COMMITMENT AND TRUST ISSUES !! (will still die4you tho)

AGAIN, not in a "my soft squishe potato always been scared of sex" way but in a ‘oh my god hes so unsocialized’ way.

yall ever see a big ass dog just..standing.. literally him (hes dissociating)

genuinely dont believe that when he was arkham/training to be, he was sexually or romantically involved with anyone. the last thing that was on his mind was actually pursuing a sexual or romantic relationship.

along with his trauma, he just wasn’t comfortable with any of that.

ghosted so many people..

couldn’t flirt for more then five minutes, just stopped feeling it or got uncomfortable .

I AM ANTI ARKHAM KNIGHT BEING A SEX GOD

not that he’s horribly awkward, but he’s noticeably a bit more quiet for first times.

ofc this man has watched porn n’ shit but hes smart enough to know thats not what its really like.

he’ll still figure it, what makes you tic, what you love, what makes you most comfortable.

kinda shitty at dirty talk, just makes him buffer.

he gets better at it tho, too damn good

gets so snarky and confident about it too uuhgrr

late relationships hes smirking and chatting your ears off cause you know hes gettin you turnt.

he has a love-hate relationship with his scars. 95% they remind him of his past, but 5% hes alright with them because they’ve shown what hes been through.

deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down, he knows hes fine as fuck. TRUST YALL.

again, super observant and attentive. really pays attention to what you enjoy.

I genuinely don’t believe hes into super hardcore/painful kinks or anything.

Sex for him is definitely a way of showing his trust and intimacy with someone!! Let him show you how much he loves you and how much he wants to make you feel good! Do the same to him !!

mmm tell him how good hes doing and hes a absolute mess!!

praise him! PRAISE HIM *im yelling from the hospital bed im strapped down on*

wouldn’t let you ride for awhile, but once he’s comfortable with it ,, he’s actually obsessed.

cant see him bottoming , just wouldn’t be comfortable with it

my brain is getting messy so im stopping here! feedback and comments would be cool if you wanna drop some!

[overlyspecific]

Part 6 of Merlin Hood

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12

Still in the past at Merlin’s magic trial, next part will be back to the present!

The first thing Merlin notices when he wakes up is that it’s daylight. He should have waken Arthur up hours ago, but somethings not right. Merlin knows he didnt need to wake Arthur up today for some reason, but what was the reason?

Uther: Merlin of Ealdor, you stand accused of using magic and treason to the crown. What do you have to say for yourself?

Oh, that’s right, its because Merlin is to be put to death today.

Uther: Well, do you have anything to say?

Merlin: *mumbles under his breath*

Uther: *angry* What was that?

Merlin: I said, ‘What makes me any different?’

Uther: 😡 What?

Merlin: Its just that you’ve murdered thousands of sorcerers and magical beings and never listened to them. What makes me any different?

Arthur: Merlin!

Merlin: No, Arthur, I’m already going to die, no thanks to you. I’d like to finally get the answers to questions I’ve been silent about my whole life.

Arthur looks at Merlin with a look on his face between apologetic and confused. Merlin has always found that look adorable, but under the current circumstances he has to look away. Arthur cant save him now.

Uther: You said you have your questions. I am willing to hear your last remarks. Ask away but do not expect any answers.

Merlin: Great! First question, when you decided to keep the last great dragon under the castle, did you do that just so he could torture me with half truths and vague prophecies or did he decide to do that on his own?

Uther: The great dragon?

Merlin: From the look on your face, I’m going to take that as a no and that you maybe didnt even know he could talk. Next question: the law says its illegal to ‘study and practice magic’ if I didnt study it, but just practiced it, would it still be a death sentence or could I be let off with a time served kind of deal?

Gauis: Merlin!

Merlin: What! I’m gonna die anyway, might as well see if there is any leniency.

Uther: So, you admit to practicing magic, then? Guards, take the prisoner to the pyre! I dont want to hear another word.

Merlin: *smiling a little too wide to be friendly* …And here I thought you actually wanted to hear me out. *Merlin shakes his head* Oh, Uther, you see, I don’t just practice magic. I am magic.

As the guards approach Merlin from all sides, he snaps his fingers and disappears.

Uther: Find him!

Merlin: *appears right behind Arthur* Arthur.

Arthur: *spins around too quickly in fright and tumbles into Merlin, who catches him* Ahh!

Merlin: *smiling while trying to keep Arthur upright* I don’t have much time.

Uther: There! *points at Merlin* Get away from my son!

Merlin: *takes off his neckerchief* If you ever need me for any reason, *starts to hand the neckerchief to Arthur, but Arthur doesn’t take it* seriously, Arthur, I’m trying to have a heartfelt moment here, you utter prat.

Arthur: *starts to smile at the insult, but quickly hides it with his blank princely expression* Merlin, you have to leave.

Merlin: That’s what I’m trying to do! *hastily ties the neckerchief around Arthurs wrist* If you need me, leave that in the darkling woods and I’ll be there as soon as I can.

Merlin jumps onto the throne that Uther vacated when Merlin vanished.

Merlin: People of Camelot! I will not die at the hands of King Uther in his unjust war on magic. I am Emrys, the most powerful warlock to ever walk the Earth. The Once and Future king is the only one I serve. I will be back when he reigns. Until then, however… *Merlin looks directly at Uther* …I’m going to make your life a very difficult. *turns to Gwen and Morgana* If anyone needs me I’m only a call away. *Merlin snaps his fingers and disappears again*

In Merlin’s absence, flowers fill the room and nobody says a word just staring at the flowers around them completely covering the floor.

Morgana: *picks up a flower and puts it in Gwen’s hair* Beautiful.

Gwen: *smiles, before creasing her eyes in worry* Do you think he’ll be alright?

Morgana: *looking over at Arthur who is staring solemnly at the neckerchief tied around his wrist* I’ll think he’ll be just fine.

[valhallie]

Pregnant teen reader x Dazai

warnings:mentions of sex, underage drinking, and teen pregnancy, and mention of suicide.

You had been taken in by Mori when you were around 12-13.You had been bored there until you became friends with two other teenage executives Dazai Osamu and Nakahara Chuuya.

Eventually you found yourself catching feelings for Dazai.You tried to push the feelings away, until one night he showed up at your apartment drunk as hell.”Dazai? What the hell man it’s 3 o’clock in the morning.”

“Sorry Y/N but I missed youuu…There’s something I wanna try before I die y/n and only you can help with it.”

“W-what are you talking about Dazai?” You knew exactly why he was talking about.Sex.But you were so young and it was wrong.But the second he kissed you all of that went to shit.You woke up in the morning and he was gone.It hurt but despite that you two continued to have sex with him and it became a normal routine for you two.

Until one day.You saw him bring another girl into his office.You two weren’t exactly together but it still hurt.You decided to go to the one other person you cared about.”Huh?Y/N what are you doing here?” The ginger stared at you,worried.

“I just need someone to be with Chuuya.Please.”he nodded “Of course come on in.Two hours later you were both plastered drunk.    “Hey Chuuya?” “Yeah?” “Can we have sex?” His face turned RED when you said those words.”Huh?”

“I wanna have sex with you.” Normally he’d be hesitant but being so drunk he just pinned you down and started kissing you.The next morning you woke up with your head hurting terribly.Chiuya was gone but you opened up your phone to find a text from him saying “I’m sorry Mori-San called me in early and I didn’t want to wake you.” You were at first upset but at least he left for a reason unlike Dazai.

       Over the past few weeks you began to throw up every morning.You feared the worst.You went to Kouyou and talked to her about it and she suggested you take pregnancy test.So after you got off work you went to the market and bought a packet of tests and took one.About 5 minutes later you read the words Pregnant.You couldn’t believe it so you decided to take another test.It came back also positive.16 and pregnant.”God how did I get myself into this mess?” You thought.

Since Chuuya was your most recent sexual partner you decided to tell him first.”Are you sure it’s me?” He asked nervously.”Well no.It could also very well be Dazai but I haven’t told him anything yet so keep your mouth shut okay?”

A few weeks later you were at the doctors and found out who the father was.Dazai Osamu. You showed up at Chuuya’s apartment.”I got good news for ya Chuu.You’re not the dad.”Chuuya seemed relieved but also worried for you knowing how Dazai was.Be careful Y/N.

       When you finally built up the courage to tell Dazai you received a phone call from Mori saying Dazai had betrayed the organization and left the Port Mafia.You were shocked and heartbroken.A single mom at 16.You hated Dazai.Even though he had no idea.

        7 years later…..

He grabbed your wrist.”Yukio!”

That’s when Hana slapped his hand away.”DONT TOUCH MY MOMMY MOTHER FUCKER!” You looked down at your daughter.         “Hana!Who taught you that word?” You glared. “Uncle Chuuya!” Dazai laughed “Sounds like him.”You glared at him. “Come on Hana let’s go home baby.” “Wait Yukio!” Dazai followed you out to your car.”What do you need Osamu?” He looked dead serious. “Yukio tell me the truth.Is she mine?”You sighed. You knew you couldn’t lie to him.Dazai always saw right through you.”Yes Osamu.” He looked shocked.He has a child.”Yukio- I’m sorry…I had no idea you were-“ you stopped him in his tracks.”It’s fine Osamu.” He walked closer to you. “Yukio please I want to be in her life.” You looked shocked. “Really. You?” “I know it sounds unlike me Yukio but…Please. “Fine you can meet us tomorrow at the park.”

You were putting Hana in bed later that night. “Mommy who was that man talking to you earlier?” You sighed knowing it was time to come clean. “That was your daddy Hana.If you want to meet him we can go see him at the park tomorrow…”

Part two???

[ateez-ana]

KQ Fellaz 미국 연수기 EP. 1

Wooyoung: (vlogging) I'm Wooyoung! We're packing our bags to go to the US tomorrow. I'm gonna check out how the other members are packing their stuff. Let's go!

(Wooyoung sneaks up on Seonghwa who's meticulously folding clothes)

Wooyoung: I want to film Seonghwa hyung too,it's Sanghwa hyung's turn now. He's cleaning again. You're always cleaning, hyung. Hyung, can't you not clean?

(Wooyoung bursts into hongjoong room)

Wooyoung: hongjoong:!

hongjoong: You can do it like this and put it in like this.

Wooyoung:hongjoong! What is this? What is this?

hongjoong: This is a headset.

ana: I wanted to try it.

hongjoong: I'll show you guys. Wait a minute. This is the new life hack we learned this time. Compression pack!

Wooyoung: What is this? Guys, you have to go record it. Go work on it... I have to work on it, and I'm not the only one working on it. We're going to record it with you guys. You all have to do it.

(Wooyoung finds yuhno: with a suspicious-looking sub-bag)

Wooyoung: Is that a sub-bag?

yuhno:Oh yes, this is my backpack. Oh... What's in the sub-bag? ,Oh, this is a Harry Potter wand I bought in Japan. Oh, really, It's a Golden Snitch wand. The moment I say "Wingardium Leviosa"...

ana: What's this san ...

san: I really like dolls, so I collect a lot of dolls. I really like them.

ana: Are you taking dolls with you on this trip?

san:I adopted a new family member this time. His name is Shiber, Yes. I always carry Shiber with me when I go anywhere… Yes. I'll always show him on camera.

ana: it's so fluffy i wanna die

(Wooyoung notices Ana looking a bit nervous in the hallway)

Wooyoung: (approaches her) Hey Ana, everything alright? You seem a bit on edge. First trip to the US?

Ana: (nods) no but I'm a little nervous. Flying for 12 hours is a bit scary!

Wooyoung: (pats her shoulder reassuringly) Don't worry, you'll be fine! We're all here together, and I'll be your personal guide on this plane adventure.

Ana: (smiles faintly) Thanks, Wooyoung. I appreciate that.

Wooyoung: (holds up a finger) First things first: airplane food. You gotta strategize your meals, you know? Don't want to get hangry on a long flight!

Ana: (eyes widen) Wait, they don't give you food on the plane?

Wooyoung: (chuckles) Not for free, no! But there are options. We can figure it out together. Plus, there are movies to watch, comfy blankets to snuggle in with...

Ana: (interrupts excitedly) Wait, really? Movies? Like, free movies?

Wooyoung: (grins) Some are free, yeah! But the new releases, those might cost a bit extra.

Ana: (eyes sparkling) This is gonna be amazing!

hongjoong: dont lie to my purest baby you demon!, and for the record im going to sit on the plan with you

Wooyoung just run away from the crime scene

Yeosang: Hello, I'm Yeosang. I'm filming a selfie because I'm the last one to pack my bags, and it's time for the members to eat. So I'm eating my food quickly and filming this video now.

Ana: (concerned) Oh, Yeosang, have you finished eating?

Yeosang: Oh, have you finished eating?

Ana: Yeosang, let's eat., oh, hongjoong , will you film us from over there?

[toomanythoughts4myhead]

Ballads never end well and neither do we

Summary: What if Coriolanus Snow hadn’t managed to kill his lover back in district 12? What if the face haunting his life for the past three years comes back in flesh and bone? Will things be different this time or will he repeat the same mistakes? Plots are formed and truths hidden in plain sight are brough to life.

Pairings: young!Coriolaus Snow x reader

A/N: A story i wrote on a whim based on a thirsty 2 am thought, turns way too long(i am unwell for this man) and surpsingly depressing. RIP to all the fangirls who came for thirst (me) we gettin the sad hour. Hope you enjoy and thank you for reading in advance! Your interest means the world to me and wish you a pleasent morning, day, night. Dont let the Snow bite.

PS: there will be smut eventually, sadly there will be plot too

[Main Masterlist]

Prompt

Chapters:

(Prologue) Where my sorrows went to die

A drop of poison goes a long way

_more comming soon_

[fatmaclover]

12,19 or 23 for mac :-3?

12: What's a headcanon you have for this character?

unibrow mac my beloved <33 if we're talking something more serious though i think itd be that hes got. COMICALLY gay music taste. fag club music is definitely his jam but hes got to get into gaga n shit for my own mental health. this is supported by the fact that in its a very sunny christmas (sorry to bring this ep up again) he literally has TWO rainbow jimi hendrix stickers on his closet door 😭 bud.... howd it take you this long youre literally making your own allegories 😭. sorry im gonna take this one to also say i think he should be More tatted up. rob you can rid yourself of your tats all you want but i know mac gets a tattoo for every boyfriend hes able to keep for longer than a week in my heart. their name right on his skin. this is Always what makes them break up with him.

19: A relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

i feel like "like" is a pretty broad thing for me. i can fucking despise something but it can still be interesting and i still like it. UNFORTUNATELY this is the case about mac and his parents. dear God actually a wretched family dynamic that attacks literally all of my insecurities with some of my own family. something about always making noise, always making a show but never being seen or heard really gets to me. the way even now mac makes it blatantly obvious what hes needing/wanting for emotional fulfillment, but his friends treat him just like his parents did because thats easier than sitting down and dealing with his issues. hes always been ignored so whats a little more?

theres a lot i could go into with this one. how being ronnie the rat was the only time mac would get seen, so of course he was incentivized to keep being a total snitch. how it seems that even joyce ended up adopting those methods against mac, being plenty apathetic towards things that were important to him (not even saying that her blowing him off is undeserved. its very much deserved even if its still a total dick move and heartbreaking that joyce would actively see the environment mac grew up in, and then decide to keep that cycle going for him). the way macs immediate family has interacted with him has affected. so much of his life that its insane. sorry that i wrote a lot about this one its just been on the mind.

oh i suppose i could also say him and carmen. i love you carmen i wish mac was normal you two would be unstoppable as a tgirl and her pet doberman fag duo. im glad youre happy just raising a kid with ur husband tho pls never come back and enjoy your life away from these freaks

23: Favorite picture of this character?

here are the jokey contenders oh my fucking god im sorry. theyre the like basic bitch mac images but theyre so fucking funny to me i think about them 24/7. literally whenever i bring up if im soying over something i want you to picture the second image thats what im doing

for a more serious answer, genuinely i adore nearly every scene fat mac is in. though i suppose the penultimate image of fat mac WOULD be the how mac got fat one

sorry hes like an angel to me here. in the grimy fuckin confessional n all.

i think this one is like. very easily first more than that other one but my shame makes it tied for first instead

sorry. ill stop. dont give me power by letting me post mac images i will empty my whole camera roll going "and isnt he so cute here? and here? and look at his smile here. and look how cute he and joyce are here" until literally every frame of fat mac or mac and joyce in frame together is posted.

fav img of mac and joyce together is them writing in mac and charlie write a movie. purely because i associate it with you and rambling about joyce and joymac for hours. without that association is the fucking cowboy photoshoot from mac and charlie die. sorry. basic answer there too

[b0rtney]

imagine this. u r an ancient king who has died in ur boyfriend manservants arms after he just told u like 12 hours ago magic is real. u die. u feel urself die. u know u died. and then u open ur eyes and u r on a european football pitch being told ur now center defense/ centre back and that the refs hate this team so u should know how to take a hit and keep running. yea. u super know how to do that u just died 15 mins ago? u ask where u r. they laugh at u and say its normal to be nervous if its ur first time playing on a professional team. wtf. whatever. u go to ur chambers (which are apparently not ur chambers but actually a "locker room") and u dont know where else to go so u sleep on the bench. its super embarrassing and the rest of the team next day shows up like "...... :| hey buddyyyyy.... long night????" and at this point ur like. JESUS the afterlife is weird. whatever. and so ur like "yea sure ig. lets go play sportball."

this is the merlin/ted lasso crossover i am making. i will not start writing it until this fundraiser has gotten its beneficiaries to safety.

[thoughtsbeewild]

No I am not watching DNC, hell to the NO..Im sure its acting, FAKE IT TO YOU MAKE IT nonsense

I'm tired of Obama. That man is fucking greedy you had 2 terms of presidency, then in order to make your 3rd president beside the decision making scenes, you and joe somehow made it happen to install joe the award winning old man to president just so Obama and demoncrat squad can STAY IN CONTROL, IN POWER.

I guess you can say i was stupid in back in my time to think like a . demoncrat. Had that excitement of how they preach i guess the race card first black president Obama and Michelle, what a joy..but lets fast forward 8 years(obama two terms), plus 3 going to 4 years with sleepy joe biden. You get older and wiser, like you don't think about this in your early 20s, mid 20s, and come to thirty's its like a WHOLE NEW WORLD OF AGE...EEK..GETTING OLDER SUCKS AND LIKE WE GOT WORK TILL THE DAY WE DIE OR IF THE GOVT LETS US GET SOCIAL SECURITY EARLIER BUT STILL WOULDNT PAY FOR HOUSING. ETC..

its been a good decade i guess, that trump really open your eyes to see what these politicians too. It was all theater now that i think about it, they wanted to say what you wanted to hear, they would prey on the weak that the govt is thier savior. Govt would have control take your life away in an instance and make you become homeless. But trump is more like hey motherfucker imma do this on my own without your money, your fucking donors, without your puppets, and here we are.

DNC demoncrats and SQUAD--ive seen the reaction on certain platforms and orange trump social , its truly a waste of my fucking time, my fucking eyes to watch them for the whole fucking 2 hours whatever the fuck. Time is fucking valuable and I aint wasting my time and energy when i aleady know who the vote is going to..

Do a comparsion this party focus of course on the HATRED OF TRUMP, 12 YEARS FUCK RIGHT, DAMN, THEY ARE THE ONES CAUSING DIVISION, SAYING THE KKK, HE THE WHITE SUPREME LEADER, HE HITLER, HE A DICTATOR, ITS LIKE DONT YOU GUYS HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THEN FOCUS ON TRYING KILL THIS MAN WHO TELLS THE TRUTH TO WHAT YOU REALLY ARE. YOUR PARTY, DEEP STATE(SURE EVIL DEEP DEEP MORE CRAZY LIKE WE WOULD HEAR THAT IF YOU DID NOT DO SOMETHING FOR HILARY CLINTON SHE WOULD HAVE YOU KILLED, I BELIEVE SHE LOOKS LIKE THE PERSON WHO IS CAPABLE OF THAT..YET 12 YRS LATER THEY ARE NOT FOCUSED ON HELPING AMERICAN PEOPLE BUT COPYING TRUMP MESSAGE, CAUSE YOUR PARTY DOES NOT HAVE SHIT TO SAY, YOUR LEADERSHIP IS POOR, IN FOR THE MONEY AND POWER, YOUR PARTY TO KILL AMERICANS IN USA AND REPLACE THEN WITH IMMIGRANTS WHICH IS CHEAP LABOR. CORPORATE COMPANIES ARE DOING IT RIGHT NOW, MY FORMER JOB HAS OUTSOURCED ALL AMERICAN JOBS TO INDIA. so seeing all i great talented people i work with jobless, speaks volumes. PARTY STILL GOES ON ABOUT BIGOTED, LIKE WTF. WHY WOULD YOU WANT A LEADERSHIP SAYS BIGOTED COMPARED TO CRAZY, SLEEPY? at least trump name calling is childish but funny its not causing division...

time is valuable. Its not the time energy focus on liars and people who pretend like a good celebrity movie as if they are innocent babies trying to help you by saying your a bigot white racist supremacist . what about colored supremist, does that exist or they can make it up..

I worked in my previous job for a evil director, evil supervisor , evil squad of workers who talk, speak, like a demoncrat. That shit aint me, thats you fuckers, evil people who want others be silenced.

[hellsbroadcaster]

I feel bad because I haven't really done much here. I don't really like using my health as an excuse but its genuinely what it is. I'm exhausted all the time. This steroid medication is the worst and its going on 8 whole month's I've been taking it. I've gained a ton of weight, like it doesn't feel normal. my body aches all the time. I feel like I'm pregnant. none of my clothes fit me anymore which only leads to more of my inner self loathing which I hate because after my last relationship i really worked hard to build myself up. And it felts like every time I think I'm getting better SOMETHING happens. and I try so hard to not let it get to me.

It took me years to stop being in denial about diabetes. i almost had to die before I started to accept that this was my life. and ive been proud and worked very hard to get where I am with it. not I feel like I'm failing again cuz the steroids work against them. my A1C went up, and i'm just so disappointed by it. I've been having some manner of fatigue about taking my meds. which i usually dont but i find myself taking them later and later in the day. Sunday, I opted to not take the steroid and with only ONE day it made me feel horribly sick. this blood disorder really is the worst. the fact that i cant go one day without it or it'll really make me sick just annoys the crap out of me. I hate it. i hate not having control on it. also when i talked to my therapist she talks about how trauma has a lot to do with your health and how it effects your body. and when I think back to all the trauma i've experienced within the last 6 years? it makes sense the way my body is just trying to kill me. because what are the odds I get a rare blood disease like really.

and I hate talking about it because I feel like such a burden. when people ask me how i'm doing and i say okay because if I tell them its day three and I still feel like shit like ppl get tired eventually. i always have to act like i'm good at home anyway because otherwise I'll hear my mom say 'oh its always something with you' like i asked for this shit.

I guess my point is, I really wanna be more active but I put all my energy into work because its such a complicated job, and if I slack off even a little its a pain in the ass to get caught back up and so its always frustrating when I have to take off and i come back to a mess despite me leaving it perfect for the person who is backing me up. they wont pay me FMLA, and I have to take off at least one day a week to make appointments for this illness. i technically work the full 80 hours but on the days i work 12s i cant take a lunch, i have to get up earlier. and its already draining for me. so by the time I get off work, I don't even wanna transition to my laptop. but I love being here and i have so much fun so i try my best. lately tho, I look at my drafts and I have so much muse but no energy at all. i promise i am working on it. I really just ask for patience. being in this fandom has been the most fun i've had on tumblr in a very long time.

my hope with this new medication I am getting, they will start to tamper me off the steroids, and my energy will start to come back as the dose goes down. my fingers are crossed honestly.

[palfriendpatine66]

Hello! The music anon is back with new recommendations and a curiosity about your thoughts on the music I sent on my last ask

Obikin coded songs, in my opinion:

Shine a light- Paolo Nutini

Where to begin- Adam Watts

Secret and lies- Ruelle

War of hearts- Ruelle

I wanna be yours- Arctic Monkeys

Killing me to love you- Vancover sleep clinc AKA one of the most heartbreaking songs ever you'll be teary eyed

Dead in the water- Ellie Goulding

Don't blame me- Taylor Swift

I still see ghosts- Corey Killagon

idfc- blackbear

MUSIC ANON thank you for the heartbreak playlist. This is literally what just made me sign up for spotify after what...10 years of my Drops of Jupiter pandora station (no joke). I loved every one of these. Without further ado here are my takes/parts that spoke obikin to me:

Shine a light- Paolo Nutini This is a jam I love this. It sounds super upbeat but its got shadows of the heartbreak to come from all the other songs on this list woven in

Where to begin- Adam Watts Very Vaderkin. Oh Anakin, baby, I'm sobbing.

"I've been looking for the meaning of life/In the darkest corners of the brightest of lights/I've been seeking out a feeling of power/In dungeons underneath the holiest towers" "And I don't know where to begin/To breath you again, to need you again"

Secret and lies- Ruelle Another written by Anakin huh? In the midst of his Obi-Wan doesn't feel like I do angst

"You got a cold, cold heart/Do you feel at all"

War of hearts- Ruelle

"Come to me in the night hours/I will wait for you/I can't sleep cause thoughts devour/thoughts of you consume" "I can't help but love you/Even though I try not to/I can't help but want you/I know that I'd die without you"

I wanna be yours- Arctic Monkey

"secrets that I've held in my heart/are harder to hide than i thought"

Killing me to love you- Vancover sleep clinc okay you're so right about the heartbreak this is completely Obi-Wan to Vaderkin and the entire thing ripped me apart start to finish. I could easily quote the entire thing because it was just so fitting but the last line = me dead, sobbing. there's still good in him etc. etc

"I can't let go when you still need saving"

Dead in the water- Ellie Goulding might i suggest that thins might actually be the most heartbreaking song ever?

"If I was not myself/and you were someone else/I'd say so much to you/and tell you the truth/cause I can hardly breathe"

Don't blame me- Taylor Swift I love me an unhinged, obsessed, crazy for each other obikin

"For you I would cross the line" "I'm insane but I'm your baby/echoes of your name inside my mind" "Baby for you/I would fall from grace/just to touch your face/if you walk away I'd beg you on my knees to stay"

I still see ghosts- Corey Killagon This started and I was like "Oh depressed alcoholic Obi-Wan my beloved," but then it proceeded to be like 12 different kinds of heartbreaking (loved it)

"I can't forget that when we undress/i'm not the only one in your head/some things are better left unsaid" "Damn it to hell love is so much easier in the darl" "I'm insecure/i'm never this straightforward/of this i am sure/i do not deserve this love you've given" "honey I'm not the man you think i am/when i am alone/I'm hollow"

idfc- blackbear hello padawan angst Anakin my beloved

"I have hella feelings for you/like they aint even there/cuz I have hella feelings for you/I act like I dont fucking care/cuz I'm so fucking scared/I'm only a fool for you/and maybe you're too good for me"

[too-sxft-for-all-of-it]

the only person i have to talk about this to is my girlfriend, and i just need to get this written out and feel like im talking to people. please not that this is a vent and you are by all means not obligated to read it!!! this is a very triggering matter so read with caution!!!

trigger warnings: massive vent including sui-ideation, attempts, mental breakdown, pessimistic views, self deprecation, lots of cussing, mentions of my chronic illnesses, overall this is not good

i dont even know where to begin with this. ive had a lot of bad days in my life, but today i can say with full confidence was the absolute worst day of my life. i spent an entire day convinced i was dying being sick and this still tops it as the worst.

as ive said before, ive working hard on finishing high school. i did two years in person before i got POTS from long covid in 2022 and was forced to do online due to the school not cooperating. it sucked, im still not over it, but im working. ive gone through so much since then, lots of sickness and mental crisis where i struggled doing my schoolwork. i fell behind and i know i did, i will never forgive myself for that

i was originally supposed to graduate in may. then july. then october 20th. then october 27th. thats this sunday.

after working my ass off through the shit i went through this summer, the extreme trauma i got from losing all of my friends, i had done it. on the 14th, i got 100 on my last final and submitted my application for graduation. i finished my online courses with a 4.0 gpa. my girlfriend and family were all so proud of me. i was too.

then soon after i learned that my failed past would come back to haunt me. while i had long covid in 2022, my chemistry teacher refused to help me. she said, and i quote, "im not going to be your private tutor" (side note: i caught her privately tutoring one of her ap kids in the library while waiting for band practice, but thats beside the point)

because of her, i failed, and had to do credit recovery. i did it but my grade could only go up to a 70. once i learned that my new school combines my old grades on my final transcript and that would determine my gpa, i knew i was fucked. i cried and wanted to give up but i just knew i was graduating and it would be fine. turns out i didnt worry about the right thing

cut to this morning. we were supposed to leave tomorrow, i had been ready to start packing. i was coming upstairs to eat my breakfast when i checked my phone. i saw my account had been reinstated and my application for graduation was gone. now, i assumed my credits would be counted as my new school counted them. but apparently they didnt and they caught me where i missed in feburary of 2023 when i joined.

today, around 12:30, when i was about to eat and get ready to pack i let out the most heartwrenching scream. i sobbed and ran downstairs and told my parents. my dad started to look into it while i ran back upstairs and fell apart

apparently, the credits that shouldve been counted as a full were only counted as half. so now im missing 0.5 credits in two subjects, which is one overall- however those are both separate requirements, so if i cant get this fixed im going to have to do two entire full classes in order to finish on time to go to college in jan

maybe if this would've happened a few days ago it wouldve been better. but it was less than 12 hours before i would be asleep early to go on the trip in the morning. they waited until the last minute to tell me that "oh by the way you cant come this weekend lmao"

i fell apart. my dad looked into it while i sobbed and screamed and broke down. i was talking to my girlfriend texting her telling her i wanted to die and this was the final straw. i get suicidal episodes a lot, but this was the worst.

a lot of it blends together and i dont want to go through the texts to relive it. but it was hell. i was falling apart for hours while waiting for an answer. my dad called the school and we had to wait hours for a call back about what the fuck had happened

the credits, no matter how absolutely fucked up it is, was explained. but the worst part? my dad asked if i could at least walk this weekend. pretend to graduate so i can have my ceremony. you know what they said?

they said no. and that was it for me.

ive had EVERYTHING taken from me in my life. i lost my high school experience because of my body, ive lost every friend ive had and so fucking much, and now i lost this too. i dont get to graduate high school. the one singular fucking thing i had the chance to have is gone.

i broke down in the bathroom. i attempted to kill myself. i was googling and trying to find ways to make it not hurt while talking to my girlfriend. i found a belt and. almost did it but i was scared. and i hate myself for being scared because i truly believe(d) i deserve to die

i am worthless and stupid for thinking i could have one thing in my life. im an idiot for thinking this coudlve worked out and i couldve been happy. i have never felt such utter despair and humiliation as i felt today. i wanted to break my cap i worked so hard on, burn my gown and cords, destroy everything because nothing i do is ever good enough

i work my ass off and no one fucking cares. its never enough. all of the pain ive suffered and fought through was for nothing. i worked my fucking ass off to finish on time and for what? nothing. absolutely nothing. my girlfriend was so proud and now i know shes ashamed. so are my parents and everyone around me

this is going to be the hardest weekend of my life, and i can make no promises i will survive it. im trying to push through for my love, but its hard, its so fucking hard. we called after i was safely back in bed and talked for over and hour and a half. we cried and talked and just were together. it was hard. i dont know whats going to happen but im scared

this was last minute and everyone is upset. my little sister was so excited to go, and i heard her sobbing when she got home from school. my dad seems exhausted. my grandparents probably cant get the money back from their flight. we were supposed to be leaving tomorrow and now its all just gone. we were going to go to the zoo and now thats gone too. we had gotten everything for the trip and now its just. gone

im trying to gather my credits and figure it out. all i know is i will not be graduating class of 2024, if at all. i skipped sixth grade and now it doesnt even show. the next ceremony isnt until next may, so even if i did finish this year i wouldnt be where i should be. it truly is over

ive never felt more ashamed and humiliated than i do today. i dont think ill ever recover from this.

they say it gets better but when? how? when will it finally end and i will finally have something go my way for once. its all i want. all i want is a chance to be happy but i never have it.

please ive been on my knees change the prophecy

let it once be me who do i have to speak to about if they can redo the prophecy

but i looked to the sky and said please

[ward-leon]

Here are some words because asking people is fun

12, 28, 34

yippee ^_^

12: i got this one from an art ytber some years ago and its worked out 4 me so far. basically you should draw palms before drawing the arms bc that can let you think of more ways to draw the arms connecting to them and make it feel less robotic iirc

also dont rush The Creative Process, trying to rapidly create masterpiece after masterpiece will not work out in the long run and might just put you on the highway to burnout (and trying to catch up on everything else in ur life). ofc if Artistic Inspiration hits u in the face with what seems like a good idea you should probably sketch it/write it down but not everything needs to be a fully lined colored and shaded 14-hour piece

28: do stickers count

34: bright green and bright magenta do not go that well together and i will die on that hill /jk

anyway serious answer time

do not ruffle my hair unprompted pls.

also, art """criticism""" that feels like ur just looking for things to take a jab at (for example, "girls should have bows and flowers why is she holding an axe").

and a teacher of mine being annoying bc she saw some of my grades (seriously, u get 1 bare-minimum-for-passing grade in the whole-ass semester and shes like oh nooooo. how could youuuu. youre hurting my heartttt. like girl what)

[mahpaiam]

Im so tired i had to walk the whole day today and think agout my life. I hated it. J kept thinking about B and slipping into delusions and escapism. None of it is real. It’s old. So old. He doesnt feel the same way anymore or probably thinks of me. When he comes back i wont let him. Because I spent this whole summer trying to recover and forget him. He doesnt deserve all of that. I hate how i fell for it. Now i cant think of anything but delusions with him, he’s in my thoughts all the time, even when I’m with my friends I feel myself dissasociati bc. I know it’s not him I want, but just someone, and he is the current placeholder. I kept thinking about him for so many hours and I’m so disappointed in myself. What do people think about in their heads? Do i think too much? Why dont i derive the same pleasure from less romantic rhoughts? I hate myself. I hate the way i look. I hate my relationship with my parents. My mom got mad at me for not sitting next to her but rather 3 feet away. I said sorry but in the end blurted out that all she did was criticize or fuss over me if i was near her. How was i supposed ro crave or want to be near that if it was always negative? But she counters with the fact that shes trying to teach me. What’s the point in teaching if you have no relationship with someone? I’m 20 years old now. It feels too much. I feel like i’m 12 around her and my father does nothing but enable it. I dont bother defending myself anymore, he’s lived off this skewed vision of me for years and I won’t bother trying to prove myself. I hate myself. So much. I feel like when I talk to God he doesnt answer or when I pray, so many things I ask for goes completely opposite. I just want to be happy but I cry all the time. At the walk i was in hysterics. I couldn’t stop crying and blubbering and hoping other people wouldn’t see. I also lost my voice. My mom went off to cry at the church and i apologized (even if the situation is unfixable and skewed from the start. She told me she wished someone shot her so she wouldnt have to look at us, her children. That made me want to die. We’re so successful and so many other parents envy us. I’m a successful engineering student and I volunteer everywhere and I have so many accomplishment. My older sister is an accountant and got a job right out. My little sister is studying to become a nurse. We all have made paths for ourselves but all my mother cares about is if I’m pretty, go to church, or make her look good. It’s like she cares about the idea of having children. I feel sobad because she feeds us and takes care of our family but i cant help feeling like she does it for placeholders, the role of having a family, but not about any of us as people. I want to cry. I feel so alone. I feel like i have no one to support me. I wanted a boyfriend for the longest time, to have someone to share this burden with but now all i think about is how it would encumber me. I think i just want to be loved and appreciated

[saucybonjo]

Its fun, to imagine you fucking him with the gifts i gave you. It the whole resume of my figure in your life. And it always seemed that you wouldn or couldnt give a fuck about this, like it was my fault to feel jealousy from a the mfer that did fucking show everytime he knew you were going to see me, the same dude that made you left me because of his insecurities, for what?! To be left alone scraping for literal hours of your fucking attention...

I was always an option, and you knew this, the one that was there when the MF, couldnt get you the attention you needed. But yeah, fair, fuck me, i can take a bullet and fucking die for you if you need to, its not like i was going to do anything more usefull than gave love to someone that cannot or doesnt want to have it... Hope it goes well. For your plans of future. Hope your ego finally lets me free. To die peacefully, without you feeling guilt when it wont mean nothing. Hope that you get what you deserve. Because you are magnificent. Fuck you, for loving me. i'll do it all over again... But i do feel fear,

Remember the last thing i asked you was to see you more than once, not even that you could manage to gave me. I sought your happiness. You sought your Status Quo. Fuck the 'come what come may', You picked. I wasnt chosen. If only i was a random tinder match, Surely this wouldnt happen'd... right? Fuck me, for loving you. Im sad, and i feel broken, yet everyone is telling me that you were the fucked up one, im literally paying a mfer to tell me that you are the toxic bitch in the situation, and im fucking fine feeling like im doing. That your treatment made me depressed, and that i deserve fucking better. That i dodged not a bullet, but a nuke. Now i lay here, wondering who to fucking call that gives a fuck about me. And for fucking what, to hear them that i wasted 12 months with someone that didnt want me there. i dont deserve love, people is not ready to love back. im an alien who doesnt know how to human. 8 months, 18 days to be fucking free.