#this was 12 hours of my life dont let this die

[plague-of-rats]

"The beauty of an Angel scourned"

Gabriel says happy pride month (incoming pride piece of papa's special boy)

[skunkes]

if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.

[patchiko]

Arkham Knight Relationship HCS !! <3

( light nsfw, mostly SFW tho!! )

literally my wife ( i made this pic idc abt creds i just wanna talk abt it)

SFW !! <3

dying on this hill when i say basically any red hood would be soo yummy with a civilian or just someone who is extremely balanced.

im a red hood needs more fucking normalcy in his life TRUTHER.

relationship starts off slow, romantic and platonic, you need to be patient with him long enough for him to get over his mental dilemmas to feel ANY-TYPE of way towards you.

more then like 6 months lets be real yall

his way of bonding is quality time. ill die on this hill, especially at the start of the relationship. Nothing huge maybe just spending a couple extra minutes around you before leaving.

next is probably gift giving, esp with early relations, probably just gonna order you food or put fifty bucks on your countertop. you dont even notice until you realize you find a fifty around the last place he was standing. expect deliveries from R.H whenever he feels bad for something.

doesn't like being around for too long, feels like he's messing up something. ruining your day by keeping you up late (he was there for fifteen minutes), ruining your mood, (there was an awkward silence for like 30 seconds.)

not a overly conscious thought process though, he feels physically he isn’t supposed to be there. for whatever subconscious thing he picked up on, a awkward silence, or hes been there 15 minutes too long or something

well sometimes he'll mentally beat himself up.

he spirals a lot, needs someone to pull him out of that.

i think when he needs to be grounded, its not just comfort its making him feel alive in the present moment. he's never gonna truly forget about his traumas but maybe for just an hour or two; running around an arcade, walking around the city. just making him feel normal, yeah you BAGGED his ass quick.

he needs someone patient, really patient, someone whos very attentive and empathetic. (but not a complete push- over def needs someone to set him in line still)

i think if you move to quickly, he'll get super snappy and ghosting you,, ong put ur hands on him too early and he's left hooking you.

yeah you're waking up and the first thing your hearing is "Its been 12 years..."

second thing you hear is "you've been in a coma for.. 12 years."

third thing you're hearing is, " we think a bus hit you...”

obviously not touchy, even when he is settling down. hes just not sure how to .. or where to .. or why he wants too.

please his mental gymnastics get so crazy, just sit down with him and put on some silly ass movie so he stops

when he’s settled he cant pry himself off you though.

a lot of his expressions can definitely be told by his body language, naturally hes tense but theres certain habits he has when he's maybe thinking too much, or fustrated/irritated.

but he does all of the same for you, comfort, love, as much as he can he tries

Very attentive, has a mental list of 'shit you do when somethings wrong' or 'shit you like.'

doesn't consciously make any of these mental list, he just knows.

"didnt they say they liked this?" He pauses "shit ill just leave it at their window."

so he's like canonically smart as shit.

you have too much work from your boss or professor? hand it over its done in less then two hours.

literally buys you groceries and pays your bills (fucking lover boy.)

arkham knight finally figuring out how to ask for a hug (hes been dead silent for 5 minutes) (link) <— insta reel

HES A CHEM/HISTORY NERD FOR SURE

NSFW !! <3

probably- A FUCKING VIRGIN !! HES A NERD !! GETS AWKARD AS SHIT. WITH RAGING COMMITMENT AND TRUST ISSUES !! (will still die4you tho)

AGAIN, not in a "my soft squishe potato always been scared of sex" way but in a ‘oh my god hes so unsocialized’ way.

yall ever see a big ass dog just..standing.. literally him (hes dissociating)

genuinely dont believe that when he was arkham/training to be, he was sexually or romantically involved with anyone. the last thing that was on his mind was actually pursuing a sexual or romantic relationship.

along with his trauma, he just wasn’t comfortable with any of that.

ghosted so many people..

couldn’t flirt for more then five minutes, just stopped feeling it or got uncomfortable .

I AM ANTI ARKHAM KNIGHT BEING A SEX GOD

not that he’s horribly awkward, but he’s noticeably a bit more quiet for first times.

ofc this man has watched porn n’ shit but hes smart enough to know thats not what its really like.

he’ll still figure it, what makes you tic, what you love, what makes you most comfortable.

kinda shitty at dirty talk, just makes him buffer.

he gets better at it tho, too damn good

gets so snarky and confident about it too uuhgrr

late relationships hes smirking and chatting your ears off cause you know hes gettin you turnt.

he has a love-hate relationship with his scars. 95% they remind him of his past, but 5% hes alright with them because they’ve shown what hes been through.

deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down, he knows hes fine as fuck. TRUST YALL.

again, super observant and attentive. really pays attention to what you enjoy.

I genuinely don’t believe hes into super hardcore/painful kinks or anything.

Sex for him is definitely a way of showing his trust and intimacy with someone!! Let him show you how much he loves you and how much he wants to make you feel good! Do the same to him !!

mmm tell him how good hes doing and hes a absolute mess!!

praise him! PRAISE HIM *im yelling from the hospital bed im strapped down on*

wouldn’t let you ride for awhile, but once he’s comfortable with it ,, he’s actually obsessed.

cant see him bottoming , just wouldn’t be comfortable with it

my brain is getting messy so im stopping here! feedback and comments would be cool if you wanna drop some!

[overlyspecific]

Part 6 of Merlin Hood

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12

Still in the past at Merlin’s magic trial, next part will be back to the present!

The first thing Merlin notices when he wakes up is that it’s daylight. He should have waken Arthur up hours ago, but somethings not right. Merlin knows he didnt need to wake Arthur up today for some reason, but what was the reason?

Uther: Merlin of Ealdor, you stand accused of using magic and treason to the crown. What do you have to say for yourself?

Oh, that’s right, its because Merlin is to be put to death today.

Uther: Well, do you have anything to say?

Merlin: *mumbles under his breath*

Uther: *angry* What was that?

Merlin: I said, ‘What makes me any different?’

Uther: 😡 What?

Merlin: Its just that you’ve murdered thousands of sorcerers and magical beings and never listened to them. What makes me any different?

Arthur: Merlin!

Merlin: No, Arthur, I’m already going to die, no thanks to you. I’d like to finally get the answers to questions I’ve been silent about my whole life.

Arthur looks at Merlin with a look on his face between apologetic and confused. Merlin has always found that look adorable, but under the current circumstances he has to look away. Arthur cant save him now.

Uther: You said you have your questions. I am willing to hear your last remarks. Ask away but do not expect any answers.

Merlin: Great! First question, when you decided to keep the last great dragon under the castle, did you do that just so he could torture me with half truths and vague prophecies or did he decide to do that on his own?

Uther: The great dragon?

Merlin: From the look on your face, I’m going to take that as a no and that you maybe didnt even know he could talk. Next question: the law says its illegal to ‘study and practice magic’ if I didnt study it, but just practiced it, would it still be a death sentence or could I be let off with a time served kind of deal?

Gauis: Merlin!

Merlin: What! I’m gonna die anyway, might as well see if there is any leniency.

Uther: So, you admit to practicing magic, then? Guards, take the prisoner to the pyre! I dont want to hear another word.

Merlin: *smiling a little too wide to be friendly* …And here I thought you actually wanted to hear me out. *Merlin shakes his head* Oh, Uther, you see, I don’t just practice magic. I am magic.

As the guards approach Merlin from all sides, he snaps his fingers and disappears.

Uther: Find him!

Merlin: *appears right behind Arthur* Arthur.

Arthur: *spins around too quickly in fright and tumbles into Merlin, who catches him* Ahh!

Merlin: *smiling while trying to keep Arthur upright* I don’t have much time.

Uther: There! *points at Merlin* Get away from my son!

Merlin: *takes off his neckerchief* If you ever need me for any reason, *starts to hand the neckerchief to Arthur, but Arthur doesn’t take it* seriously, Arthur, I’m trying to have a heartfelt moment here, you utter prat.

Arthur: *starts to smile at the insult, but quickly hides it with his blank princely expression* Merlin, you have to leave.

Merlin: That’s what I’m trying to do! *hastily ties the neckerchief around Arthurs wrist* If you need me, leave that in the darkling woods and I’ll be there as soon as I can.

Merlin jumps onto the throne that Uther vacated when Merlin vanished.

Merlin: People of Camelot! I will not die at the hands of King Uther in his unjust war on magic. I am Emrys, the most powerful warlock to ever walk the Earth. The Once and Future king is the only one I serve. I will be back when he reigns. Until then, however… *Merlin looks directly at Uther* …I’m going to make your life a very difficult. *turns to Gwen and Morgana* If anyone needs me I’m only a call away. *Merlin snaps his fingers and disappears again*

In Merlin’s absence, flowers fill the room and nobody says a word just staring at the flowers around them completely covering the floor.

Morgana: *picks up a flower and puts it in Gwen’s hair* Beautiful.

Gwen: *smiles, before creasing her eyes in worry* Do you think he’ll be alright?

Morgana: *looking over at Arthur who is staring solemnly at the neckerchief tied around his wrist* I’ll think he’ll be just fine.

[ateez-ana]

KQ Fellaz 미국 연수기 EP. 1

Wooyoung: (vlogging) I'm Wooyoung! We're packing our bags to go to the US tomorrow. I'm gonna check out how the other members are packing their stuff. Let's go!

(Wooyoung sneaks up on Seonghwa who's meticulously folding clothes)

Wooyoung: I want to film Seonghwa hyung too,it's Sanghwa hyung's turn now. He's cleaning again. You're always cleaning, hyung. Hyung, can't you not clean?

(Wooyoung bursts into hongjoong room)

Wooyoung: hongjoong:!

hongjoong: You can do it like this and put it in like this.

Wooyoung:hongjoong! What is this? What is this?

hongjoong: This is a headset.

ana: I wanted to try it.

hongjoong: I'll show you guys. Wait a minute. This is the new life hack we learned this time. Compression pack!

Wooyoung: What is this? Guys, you have to go record it. Go work on it... I have to work on it, and I'm not the only one working on it. We're going to record it with you guys. You all have to do it.

(Wooyoung finds yuhno: with a suspicious-looking sub-bag)

Wooyoung: Is that a sub-bag?

yuhno:Oh yes, this is my backpack. Oh... What's in the sub-bag? ,Oh, this is a Harry Potter wand I bought in Japan. Oh, really, It's a Golden Snitch wand. The moment I say "Wingardium Leviosa"...

ana: What's this san ...

san: I really like dolls, so I collect a lot of dolls. I really like them.

ana: Are you taking dolls with you on this trip?

san:I adopted a new family member this time. His name is Shiber, Yes. I always carry Shiber with me when I go anywhere… Yes. I'll always show him on camera.

ana: it's so fluffy i wanna die

(Wooyoung notices Ana looking a bit nervous in the hallway)

Wooyoung: (approaches her) Hey Ana, everything alright? You seem a bit on edge. First trip to the US?

Ana: (nods) no but I'm a little nervous. Flying for 12 hours is a bit scary!

Wooyoung: (pats her shoulder reassuringly) Don't worry, you'll be fine! We're all here together, and I'll be your personal guide on this plane adventure.

Ana: (smiles faintly) Thanks, Wooyoung. I appreciate that.

Wooyoung: (holds up a finger) First things first: airplane food. You gotta strategize your meals, you know? Don't want to get hangry on a long flight!

Ana: (eyes widen) Wait, they don't give you food on the plane?

Wooyoung: (chuckles) Not for free, no! But there are options. We can figure it out together. Plus, there are movies to watch, comfy blankets to snuggle in with...

Ana: (interrupts excitedly) Wait, really? Movies? Like, free movies?

Wooyoung: (grins) Some are free, yeah! But the new releases, those might cost a bit extra.

Ana: (eyes sparkling) This is gonna be amazing!

hongjoong: dont lie to my purest baby you demon!, and for the record im going to sit on the plan with you

Wooyoung just run away from the crime scene

Yeosang: Hello, I'm Yeosang. I'm filming a selfie because I'm the last one to pack my bags, and it's time for the members to eat. So I'm eating my food quickly and filming this video now.

Ana: (concerned) Oh, Yeosang, have you finished eating?

Yeosang: Oh, have you finished eating?

Ana: Yeosang, let's eat., oh, hongjoong , will you film us from over there?

[toomanythoughts4myhead]

Ballads never end well and neither do we

Summary: What if Coriolanus Snow hadn’t managed to kill his lover back in district 12? What if the face haunting his life for the past three years comes back in flesh and bone? Will things be different this time or will he repeat the same mistakes? Plots are formed and truths hidden in plain sight are brough to life.

Pairings: young!Coriolaus Snow x reader

A/N: A story i wrote on a whim based on a thirsty 2 am thought, turns way too long(i am unwell for this man) and surpsingly depressing. RIP to all the fangirls who came for thirst (me) we gettin the sad hour. Hope you enjoy and thank you for reading in advance! Your interest means the world to me and wish you a pleasent morning, day, night. Dont let the Snow bite.

PS: there will be smut eventually, sadly there will be plot too

[Main Masterlist]

Prompt

Chapters:

(Prologue) Where my sorrows went to die

A drop of poison goes a long way

_more comming soon_

[fatmaclover]

12,19 or 23 for mac :-3?

12: What's a headcanon you have for this character?

unibrow mac my beloved <33 if we're talking something more serious though i think itd be that hes got. COMICALLY gay music taste. fag club music is definitely his jam but hes got to get into gaga n shit for my own mental health. this is supported by the fact that in its a very sunny christmas (sorry to bring this ep up again) he literally has TWO rainbow jimi hendrix stickers on his closet door 😭 bud.... howd it take you this long youre literally making your own allegories 😭. sorry im gonna take this one to also say i think he should be More tatted up. rob you can rid yourself of your tats all you want but i know mac gets a tattoo for every boyfriend hes able to keep for longer than a week in my heart. their name right on his skin. this is Always what makes them break up with him.

19: A relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

i feel like "like" is a pretty broad thing for me. i can fucking despise something but it can still be interesting and i still like it. UNFORTUNATELY this is the case about mac and his parents. dear God actually a wretched family dynamic that attacks literally all of my insecurities with some of my own family. something about always making noise, always making a show but never being seen or heard really gets to me. the way even now mac makes it blatantly obvious what hes needing/wanting for emotional fulfillment, but his friends treat him just like his parents did because thats easier than sitting down and dealing with his issues. hes always been ignored so whats a little more?

theres a lot i could go into with this one. how being ronnie the rat was the only time mac would get seen, so of course he was incentivized to keep being a total snitch. how it seems that even joyce ended up adopting those methods against mac, being plenty apathetic towards things that were important to him (not even saying that her blowing him off is undeserved. its very much deserved even if its still a total dick move and heartbreaking that joyce would actively see the environment mac grew up in, and then decide to keep that cycle going for him). the way macs immediate family has interacted with him has affected. so much of his life that its insane. sorry that i wrote a lot about this one its just been on the mind.

oh i suppose i could also say him and carmen. i love you carmen i wish mac was normal you two would be unstoppable as a tgirl and her pet doberman fag duo. im glad youre happy just raising a kid with ur husband tho pls never come back and enjoy your life away from these freaks

23: Favorite picture of this character?

here are the jokey contenders oh my fucking god im sorry. theyre the like basic bitch mac images but theyre so fucking funny to me i think about them 24/7. literally whenever i bring up if im soying over something i want you to picture the second image thats what im doing

for a more serious answer, genuinely i adore nearly every scene fat mac is in. though i suppose the penultimate image of fat mac WOULD be the how mac got fat one

sorry hes like an angel to me here. in the grimy fuckin confessional n all.

i think this one is like. very easily first more than that other one but my shame makes it tied for first instead

sorry. ill stop. dont give me power by letting me post mac images i will empty my whole camera roll going "and isnt he so cute here? and here? and look at his smile here. and look how cute he and joyce are here" until literally every frame of fat mac or mac and joyce in frame together is posted.

fav img of mac and joyce together is them writing in mac and charlie write a movie. purely because i associate it with you and rambling about joyce and joymac for hours. without that association is the fucking cowboy photoshoot from mac and charlie die. sorry. basic answer there too

[rins-batcave]

answering them all

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? id say so

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? - my mom

03: Do you regret anything? - a lot, i think, but mainly loosing this one friend

04: Are you insecure? - extremely

05: What is your relationship status? - single but like i kidna wish i was dating someone?

06: How do you want to die? - idk

07: What did you last eat? - popcorn

08: Played any sports? - archery, rock climbing, swimming, rugby, skiing

09: Do you bite your nails? - no

10: When was your last physical fight? - never but i lowkey wanna get into one

11: Do you like someone? - yeah but also i have a hard time figuring out what romantic attractiomn is so idk

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? - yes

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? - my toxic friend

14: Do you miss someone? - a lot of people, yeah

15: Have any pets? - one dog

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? - shitty happy

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? - nope

18: Are you scared of spiders? - extremely

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? - idk

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? - never

21: What are your plans for this weekend? - archery and gingerbread house baking and cookie baking with friends

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? - idk

23: Do you have piercings? How many? - earrings but i want more

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? - all of them which is just so fun for my burnout

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? - yeah

26: What are you craving right now? - nothin really

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? - i don think so

28: Have you ever been cheated on? - no

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? - never had one

30: What’s irritating you right now? - my toxic friend

31: Does somebody love you? - hopefully

32: What is your favourite color? - GREEN GREN GREEN

33: Do you have trust issues? - maybe?

34: Who/what was your last dream about? - i dont dream

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? - idk the last time i cried in front of someone was like 2 or 3 years ago

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? - no?

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? - idk

38: Is this year the best year of your life? - nope

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? - never had one

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? - nope

51: Favourite food? - idk

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? - maybe?

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? - say gn to my moots

54: Is cheating ever okay? - no?

55: Are you mean? - i dont think so

56: How many people have you fist fought? - never

57: Do you believe in true love? - maybe?

58: Favourite weather? - cold

59: Do you like the snow? - yes

60: Do you wanna get married? - idk

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? - never been called that?

62: What makes you happy? - my moots, things i like doing, my dog, my family

63: Would you change your name? - i like my names

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? - never kissed someone other than family

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? - idk let them down easy? idk if i like them then date them?

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? - yeah a lot of my friends...?

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? - my friend at school

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? - moots

69: Do you believe in soulmates? - maybe?

70: Is there anyone you would die for? - yeah a lot of people

[b0rtney]

imagine this. u r an ancient king who has died in ur boyfriend manservants arms after he just told u like 12 hours ago magic is real. u die. u feel urself die. u know u died. and then u open ur eyes and u r on a european football pitch being told ur now center defense/ centre back and that the refs hate this team so u should know how to take a hit and keep running. yea. u super know how to do that u just died 15 mins ago? u ask where u r. they laugh at u and say its normal to be nervous if its ur first time playing on a professional team. wtf. whatever. u go to ur chambers (which are apparently not ur chambers but actually a "locker room") and u dont know where else to go so u sleep on the bench. its super embarrassing and the rest of the team next day shows up like "...... :| hey buddyyyyy.... long night????" and at this point ur like. JESUS the afterlife is weird. whatever. and so ur like "yea sure ig. lets go play sportball."

this is the merlin/ted lasso crossover i am making. i will not start writing it until this fundraiser has gotten its beneficiaries to safety.

[thoughtsbeewild]

No I am not watching DNC, hell to the NO..Im sure its acting, FAKE IT TO YOU MAKE IT nonsense

I'm tired of Obama. That man is fucking greedy you had 2 terms of presidency, then in order to make your 3rd president beside the decision making scenes, you and joe somehow made it happen to install joe the award winning old man to president just so Obama and demoncrat squad can STAY IN CONTROL, IN POWER.

I guess you can say i was stupid in back in my time to think like a . demoncrat. Had that excitement of how they preach i guess the race card first black president Obama and Michelle, what a joy..but lets fast forward 8 years(obama two terms), plus 3 going to 4 years with sleepy joe biden. You get older and wiser, like you don't think about this in your early 20s, mid 20s, and come to thirty's its like a WHOLE NEW WORLD OF AGE...EEK..GETTING OLDER SUCKS AND LIKE WE GOT WORK TILL THE DAY WE DIE OR IF THE GOVT LETS US GET SOCIAL SECURITY EARLIER BUT STILL WOULDNT PAY FOR HOUSING. ETC..

its been a good decade i guess, that trump really open your eyes to see what these politicians too. It was all theater now that i think about it, they wanted to say what you wanted to hear, they would prey on the weak that the govt is thier savior. Govt would have control take your life away in an instance and make you become homeless. But trump is more like hey motherfucker imma do this on my own without your money, your fucking donors, without your puppets, and here we are.

DNC demoncrats and SQUAD--ive seen the reaction on certain platforms and orange trump social , its truly a waste of my fucking time, my fucking eyes to watch them for the whole fucking 2 hours whatever the fuck. Time is fucking valuable and I aint wasting my time and energy when i aleady know who the vote is going to..

Do a comparsion this party focus of course on the HATRED OF TRUMP, 12 YEARS FUCK RIGHT, DAMN, THEY ARE THE ONES CAUSING DIVISION, SAYING THE KKK, HE THE WHITE SUPREME LEADER, HE HITLER, HE A DICTATOR, ITS LIKE DONT YOU GUYS HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THEN FOCUS ON TRYING KILL THIS MAN WHO TELLS THE TRUTH TO WHAT YOU REALLY ARE. YOUR PARTY, DEEP STATE(SURE EVIL DEEP DEEP MORE CRAZY LIKE WE WOULD HEAR THAT IF YOU DID NOT DO SOMETHING FOR HILARY CLINTON SHE WOULD HAVE YOU KILLED, I BELIEVE SHE LOOKS LIKE THE PERSON WHO IS CAPABLE OF THAT..YET 12 YRS LATER THEY ARE NOT FOCUSED ON HELPING AMERICAN PEOPLE BUT COPYING TRUMP MESSAGE, CAUSE YOUR PARTY DOES NOT HAVE SHIT TO SAY, YOUR LEADERSHIP IS POOR, IN FOR THE MONEY AND POWER, YOUR PARTY TO KILL AMERICANS IN USA AND REPLACE THEN WITH IMMIGRANTS WHICH IS CHEAP LABOR. CORPORATE COMPANIES ARE DOING IT RIGHT NOW, MY FORMER JOB HAS OUTSOURCED ALL AMERICAN JOBS TO INDIA. so seeing all i great talented people i work with jobless, speaks volumes. PARTY STILL GOES ON ABOUT BIGOTED, LIKE WTF. WHY WOULD YOU WANT A LEADERSHIP SAYS BIGOTED COMPARED TO CRAZY, SLEEPY? at least trump name calling is childish but funny its not causing division...

time is valuable. Its not the time energy focus on liars and people who pretend like a good celebrity movie as if they are innocent babies trying to help you by saying your a bigot white racist supremacist . what about colored supremist, does that exist or they can make it up..

I worked in my previous job for a evil director, evil supervisor , evil squad of workers who talk, speak, like a demoncrat. That shit aint me, thats you fuckers, evil people who want others be silenced.

[hellishvxbes]

I feel bad because I haven't really done much here. I don't really like using my health as an excuse but its genuinely what it is. I'm exhausted all the time. This steroid medication is the worst and its going on 8 whole month's I've been taking it. I've gained a ton of weight, like it doesn't feel normal. my body aches all the time. I feel like I'm pregnant. none of my clothes fit me anymore which only leads to more of my inner self loathing which I hate because after my last relationship i really worked hard to build myself up. And it felts like every time I think I'm getting better SOMETHING happens. and I try so hard to not let it get to me.

It took me years to stop being in denial about diabetes. i almost had to die before I started to accept that this was my life. and ive been proud and worked very hard to get where I am with it. not I feel like I'm failing again cuz the steroids work against them. my A1C went up, and i'm just so disappointed by it. I've been having some manner of fatigue about taking my meds. which i usually dont but i find myself taking them later and later in the day. Sunday, I opted to not take the steroid and with only ONE day it made me feel horribly sick. this blood disorder really is the worst. the fact that i cant go one day without it or it'll really make me sick just annoys the crap out of me. I hate it. i hate not having control on it. also when i talked to my therapist she talks about how trauma has a lot to do with your health and how it effects your body. and when I think back to all the trauma i've experienced within the last 6 years? it makes sense the way my body is just trying to kill me. because what are the odds I get a rare blood disease like really.

and I hate talking about it because I feel like such a burden. when people ask me how i'm doing and i say okay because if I tell them its day three and I still feel like shit like ppl get tired eventually. i always have to act like i'm good at home anyway because otherwise I'll hear my mom say 'oh its always something with you' like i asked for this shit.

I guess my point is, I really wanna be more active but I put all my energy into work because its such a complicated job, and if I slack off even a little its a pain in the ass to get caught back up and so its always frustrating when I have to take off and i come back to a mess despite me leaving it perfect for the person who is backing me up. they wont pay me FMLA, and I have to take off at least one day a week to make appointments for this illness. i technically work the full 80 hours but on the days i work 12s i cant take a lunch, i have to get up earlier. and its already draining for me. so by the time I get off work, I don't even wanna transition to my laptop. but I love being here and i have so much fun so i try my best. lately tho, I look at my drafts and I have so much muse but no energy at all. i promise i am working on it. I really just ask for patience. being in this fandom has been the most fun i've had on tumblr in a very long time.

my hope with this new medication I am getting, they will start to tamper me off the steroids, and my energy will start to come back as the dose goes down. my fingers are crossed honestly.

[palfriendpatine66]

Hello! The music anon is back with new recommendations and a curiosity about your thoughts on the music I sent on my last ask

Obikin coded songs, in my opinion:

Shine a light- Paolo Nutini

Where to begin- Adam Watts

Secret and lies- Ruelle

War of hearts- Ruelle

I wanna be yours- Arctic Monkeys

Killing me to love you- Vancover sleep clinc AKA one of the most heartbreaking songs ever you'll be teary eyed

Dead in the water- Ellie Goulding

Don't blame me- Taylor Swift

I still see ghosts- Corey Killagon

idfc- blackbear

MUSIC ANON thank you for the heartbreak playlist. This is literally what just made me sign up for spotify after what...10 years of my Drops of Jupiter pandora station (no joke). I loved every one of these. Without further ado here are my takes/parts that spoke obikin to me:

Shine a light- Paolo Nutini This is a jam I love this. It sounds super upbeat but its got shadows of the heartbreak to come from all the other songs on this list woven in

Where to begin- Adam Watts Very Vaderkin. Oh Anakin, baby, I'm sobbing.

"I've been looking for the meaning of life/In the darkest corners of the brightest of lights/I've been seeking out a feeling of power/In dungeons underneath the holiest towers" "And I don't know where to begin/To breath you again, to need you again"

Secret and lies- Ruelle Another written by Anakin huh? In the midst of his Obi-Wan doesn't feel like I do angst

"You got a cold, cold heart/Do you feel at all"

War of hearts- Ruelle

"Come to me in the night hours/I will wait for you/I can't sleep cause thoughts devour/thoughts of you consume" "I can't help but love you/Even though I try not to/I can't help but want you/I know that I'd die without you"

I wanna be yours- Arctic Monkey

"secrets that I've held in my heart/are harder to hide than i thought"

Killing me to love you- Vancover sleep clinc okay you're so right about the heartbreak this is completely Obi-Wan to Vaderkin and the entire thing ripped me apart start to finish. I could easily quote the entire thing because it was just so fitting but the last line = me dead, sobbing. there's still good in him etc. etc

"I can't let go when you still need saving"

Dead in the water- Ellie Goulding might i suggest that thins might actually be the most heartbreaking song ever?

"If I was not myself/and you were someone else/I'd say so much to you/and tell you the truth/cause I can hardly breathe"

Don't blame me- Taylor Swift I love me an unhinged, obsessed, crazy for each other obikin

"For you I would cross the line" "I'm insane but I'm your baby/echoes of your name inside my mind" "Baby for you/I would fall from grace/just to touch your face/if you walk away I'd beg you on my knees to stay"

I still see ghosts- Corey Killagon This started and I was like "Oh depressed alcoholic Obi-Wan my beloved," but then it proceeded to be like 12 different kinds of heartbreaking (loved it)

"I can't forget that when we undress/i'm not the only one in your head/some things are better left unsaid" "Damn it to hell love is so much easier in the darl" "I'm insecure/i'm never this straightforward/of this i am sure/i do not deserve this love you've given" "honey I'm not the man you think i am/when i am alone/I'm hollow"

idfc- blackbear hello padawan angst Anakin my beloved

"I have hella feelings for you/like they aint even there/cuz I have hella feelings for you/I act like I dont fucking care/cuz I'm so fucking scared/I'm only a fool for you/and maybe you're too good for me"

[nathank77]

12/28/24

7:54 p.m Added to 8 p.m

My mother and me got into a fight. She left the house earlier. I think she got boozes but idk for sure. She doesn't leave much, her car hasn't been starting. She ran out when she got it started.

We got into a fight i started yelling at her about Riley about how Riley has crippled me. And it started bc they got her a fucking giggle ball or whatever... I already got to deal with the fucking random squeaking toys... but the giggle ball is insult to injury as i live behind a barricade... and she's ruined every aspect of my life. I told her I was gaming and I was recording and everytime her noisey noise machine barks or starts playing with one of her noisey toys she ruins my recordings.

I was saying how Riley has ruined every aspect of my life. I have barely any skin left on my hands..I live behind a barricade..my Contamination ocd has gotten significantly worse... and I can't even have a friend over or have a birthday party.

I was like the least you can do is take the noisey toys away from her after a certian hour so I can have some silence since she barks at a leaf blowing across our yard and we can't control that.

She threatened to throw the ball at me.. yes today has been awesome. And my nicotine withdrawal is getting worse and worse. It's def not getting better at all.

I mean the bitch doesn't get it im going to be scrubbing the dryer every time I do laundry until Riley fucking dies. It's fucked. Not to mention every other new ritual she has created by existing in my house.

I eventually got her to pick up the fucking loud toys. Now I dont want to game after all that... and she was calling me a mental case. Over and over again......

And I was saying Riley is staying in the crate all day while you're at work and you're going to have to live with that. I'll let her loose outside if you leave her in the house roaming around.

I mean I'm actually going to let her loose if she doesnt crate her every day for work..

Riley has crippled me. It's never going to get better. I hate dogs. I never want a dog again.. all they do is make noise. Poop. And need stuff. They ruin clothes and shoes. They are disgusting. Thank you Paula for ruining dogs for me. I still got my gray under armour shit sweat pants i just can't wear despite super washing them. I lost those 3 pairs of shoes.

I actually hate my mother and I hate Riley.

I hope she rehomes her. And if she doesn't I hope she chooses to fucking keep her in the crate while at work otherwise there will be consequences.

I mean shes going to work in under 2 weeks. So this is why I'm starting to worry about it also my birthday is in less than 2 months and i can't even plan a party....

But yea it's whatever. Loud annoying dirty Riley gets to die really young here. Shes already starting to slip bc she's 25 pound heavier... so the hip problems are commencing bc my mother is a pos.

Yup I'm mentally ill but I'm not chosing to murder a dog with my incompetence. I just want her to have a better life and have my life be less shitty...

But yea I'm a mental case. Yup ocd is real too bad you're making my symptoms worse and you don't care that your fucking dog has crippled me.

[solardick]

Well cant hack 12 hour shifts. Not there. Doing that. Neither am i fond of working with foreigners that i cant understand a word they say. While being in a position of leadership. Almost knocked over skids. Hit crates. Ripped off the bottom. Couldnt stop yawning. I left. Didnt say a word. Just walked out. Cant do it. Not with this desease.

The dag life stips fucken with me is the day i die. 40 fucken years of this shit. Fuck off with this horrorscope Bs. And leave me alone.

I get it i wont even bother trying to speak to another again.

Comtinolating welfare and suicide again for another year.

If i dont get more than 3 hours of sleep i aint going to work.

Im glad riley has personality islands. Cuz i dont. Not allowed to.

Well guess im not

Going to work

Cuz i aint sleeping.

Even on fucken sedatives. So you k ow what. Im going lay here watch tv till 3 in yhr morning and then have 4 days off.

Hey, its the end of the year. With less then 12 hours of daylight. Lets double your work load. Doible the stress. Double the safety risks Give you more hours, and serround you woth people that dont speak your language. Doible your responsibility without any trainign. Ywah thats a great plan.

Now im going to take. 300$ beauty sleep.

Born sereounded by enemies. Live sereojnded by enemies. Will die serrounded by enemies. Born to be fucked by immoral assholes.

Well still sivk. But not as bad. Not bed riden. Today. Mindlessly trying to enjoy age of empires. Which is impoosible cuz that game sucks.

Winder whta lif eis not being fuck with. Never experienced it before. Probablt out of a job again for another christmas present.

Got to love that gaming contract. Upon instalation you sre legally binded to this contract. Which you can only read if you doenload the game. So the option to reject the contact is void.

And their still attavking me. Intentional stressors. Burning me out. The punishment has been going well over 25 years now.

Still burnt out. Think maybe ill try and take the rest of the year off.

Hey look! Its 2:30am im still awake. Well y’all can come distrub me at home while im sick with ehatever y’all did to me. Use melany as a fabricated excuse. Hut im not going to andwer the door because you may not. Because im supposed to be at work and wouldnt be here to ipen it. Too bad. If you fored me how would you fuck eoth me anymore?

Im still

Missing half my toe hair and 10% of my leg hair. Where the fuck is it.

Im goos with plausible deniablility too.

You know what would be greta. If yall syop making me fucken divk and then telling me to go get help. That be fanfucken tastic. It would. Born in hell serrounded by sadists.

Im this close to quiting my day rape job. Waiting till i run out of momey and hanging myself. 40 years teaches me. Humanity is a failed expirement. Who all deserved to be nuke off the face of the planet. Like theyve been doing to me for for all these years. From people form all ealks of life. All praying to their various sadistic gods.

What do you do for a living. Well i was born in hell being paid to be abused. Its an easy job. All

I have to do is be alive. And there no cure for inhumane assholes. Populaying rhe planet.

Now with 9 hours of sleep within 3 days. I feel fine to operate a forklift. And be on my feet for 12 hours running around all day. No ones ever cared about my life why the fuck would i care about yours. Almost time to go

Back to weok and pretend like i dont want to murder wvery person there. And this large ever growing social circle of fucktards.

Dont forget to dose me with more ass raped drugs for christmass now. Maybe the shodow of the entire community will

Engulf me again. Thats always a fun experience. Wngulfed by bs.

Maybe i will call that company outline and lie about why im sick. Tried telling the turh last time. They didnt care. They were oo busy trying to urn me into a queer.

Fuck i hate 12 h shifts. You go from

Having no fowntime. To having too much.

That was a waste of time. Its a burn out. Go see a

Shrink

Fuck off. Like the foreigner who rang my door bell at least 25 times. Till i told him to fuck off. Ring it once. Maybe a souble and wait 5- 15 seconds. Then rimg again. If no answer you fuck off. Not this fucktard.

Gwt intentionlly aggravated untill you snap. Then tell you to go grt help. Fuck you.

[too-sxft-for-all-of-it]

the only person i have to talk about this to is my girlfriend, and i just need to get this written out and feel like im talking to people. please not that this is a vent and you are by all means not obligated to read it!!! this is a very triggering matter so read with caution!!!

trigger warnings: massive vent including sui-ideation, attempts, mental breakdown, pessimistic views, self deprecation, lots of cussing, mentions of my chronic illnesses, overall this is not good

i dont even know where to begin with this. ive had a lot of bad days in my life, but today i can say with full confidence was the absolute worst day of my life. i spent an entire day convinced i was dying being sick and this still tops it as the worst.

as ive said before, ive working hard on finishing high school. i did two years in person before i got POTS from long covid in 2022 and was forced to do online due to the school not cooperating. it sucked, im still not over it, but im working. ive gone through so much since then, lots of sickness and mental crisis where i struggled doing my schoolwork. i fell behind and i know i did, i will never forgive myself for that

i was originally supposed to graduate in may. then july. then october 20th. then october 27th. thats this sunday.

after working my ass off through the shit i went through this summer, the extreme trauma i got from losing all of my friends, i had done it. on the 14th, i got 100 on my last final and submitted my application for graduation. i finished my online courses with a 4.0 gpa. my girlfriend and family were all so proud of me. i was too.

then soon after i learned that my failed past would come back to haunt me. while i had long covid in 2022, my chemistry teacher refused to help me. she said, and i quote, "im not going to be your private tutor" (side note: i caught her privately tutoring one of her ap kids in the library while waiting for band practice, but thats beside the point)

because of her, i failed, and had to do credit recovery. i did it but my grade could only go up to a 70. once i learned that my new school combines my old grades on my final transcript and that would determine my gpa, i knew i was fucked. i cried and wanted to give up but i just knew i was graduating and it would be fine. turns out i didnt worry about the right thing

cut to this morning. we were supposed to leave tomorrow, i had been ready to start packing. i was coming upstairs to eat my breakfast when i checked my phone. i saw my account had been reinstated and my application for graduation was gone. now, i assumed my credits would be counted as my new school counted them. but apparently they didnt and they caught me where i missed in feburary of 2023 when i joined.

today, around 12:30, when i was about to eat and get ready to pack i let out the most heartwrenching scream. i sobbed and ran downstairs and told my parents. my dad started to look into it while i ran back upstairs and fell apart

apparently, the credits that shouldve been counted as a full were only counted as half. so now im missing 0.5 credits in two subjects, which is one overall- however those are both separate requirements, so if i cant get this fixed im going to have to do two entire full classes in order to finish on time to go to college in jan

maybe if this would've happened a few days ago it wouldve been better. but it was less than 12 hours before i would be asleep early to go on the trip in the morning. they waited until the last minute to tell me that "oh by the way you cant come this weekend lmao"

i fell apart. my dad looked into it while i sobbed and screamed and broke down. i was talking to my girlfriend texting her telling her i wanted to die and this was the final straw. i get suicidal episodes a lot, but this was the worst.

a lot of it blends together and i dont want to go through the texts to relive it. but it was hell. i was falling apart for hours while waiting for an answer. my dad called the school and we had to wait hours for a call back about what the fuck had happened

the credits, no matter how absolutely fucked up it is, was explained. but the worst part? my dad asked if i could at least walk this weekend. pretend to graduate so i can have my ceremony. you know what they said?

they said no. and that was it for me.

ive had EVERYTHING taken from me in my life. i lost my high school experience because of my body, ive lost every friend ive had and so fucking much, and now i lost this too. i dont get to graduate high school. the one singular fucking thing i had the chance to have is gone.

i broke down in the bathroom. i attempted to kill myself. i was googling and trying to find ways to make it not hurt while talking to my girlfriend. i found a belt and. almost did it but i was scared. and i hate myself for being scared because i truly believe(d) i deserve to die

i am worthless and stupid for thinking i could have one thing in my life. im an idiot for thinking this coudlve worked out and i couldve been happy. i have never felt such utter despair and humiliation as i felt today. i wanted to break my cap i worked so hard on, burn my gown and cords, destroy everything because nothing i do is ever good enough

i work my ass off and no one fucking cares. its never enough. all of the pain ive suffered and fought through was for nothing. i worked my fucking ass off to finish on time and for what? nothing. absolutely nothing. my girlfriend was so proud and now i know shes ashamed. so are my parents and everyone around me

this is going to be the hardest weekend of my life, and i can make no promises i will survive it. im trying to push through for my love, but its hard, its so fucking hard. we called after i was safely back in bed and talked for over and hour and a half. we cried and talked and just were together. it was hard. i dont know whats going to happen but im scared

this was last minute and everyone is upset. my little sister was so excited to go, and i heard her sobbing when she got home from school. my dad seems exhausted. my grandparents probably cant get the money back from their flight. we were supposed to be leaving tomorrow and now its all just gone. we were going to go to the zoo and now thats gone too. we had gotten everything for the trip and now its just. gone

im trying to gather my credits and figure it out. all i know is i will not be graduating class of 2024, if at all. i skipped sixth grade and now it doesnt even show. the next ceremony isnt until next may, so even if i did finish this year i wouldnt be where i should be. it truly is over

ive never felt more ashamed and humiliated than i do today. i dont think ill ever recover from this.

they say it gets better but when? how? when will it finally end and i will finally have something go my way for once. its all i want. all i want is a chance to be happy but i never have it.

please ive been on my knees change the prophecy

let it once be me who do i have to speak to about if they can redo the prophecy

but i looked to the sky and said please

[mahpaiam]

Im so tired i had to walk the whole day today and think agout my life. I hated it. J kept thinking about B and slipping into delusions and escapism. None of it is real. It’s old. So old. He doesnt feel the same way anymore or probably thinks of me. When he comes back i wont let him. Because I spent this whole summer trying to recover and forget him. He doesnt deserve all of that. I hate how i fell for it. Now i cant think of anything but delusions with him, he’s in my thoughts all the time, even when I’m with my friends I feel myself dissasociati bc. I know it’s not him I want, but just someone, and he is the current placeholder. I kept thinking about him for so many hours and I’m so disappointed in myself. What do people think about in their heads? Do i think too much? Why dont i derive the same pleasure from less romantic rhoughts? I hate myself. I hate the way i look. I hate my relationship with my parents. My mom got mad at me for not sitting next to her but rather 3 feet away. I said sorry but in the end blurted out that all she did was criticize or fuss over me if i was near her. How was i supposed ro crave or want to be near that if it was always negative? But she counters with the fact that shes trying to teach me. What’s the point in teaching if you have no relationship with someone? I’m 20 years old now. It feels too much. I feel like i’m 12 around her and my father does nothing but enable it. I dont bother defending myself anymore, he’s lived off this skewed vision of me for years and I won’t bother trying to prove myself. I hate myself. So much. I feel like when I talk to God he doesnt answer or when I pray, so many things I ask for goes completely opposite. I just want to be happy but I cry all the time. At the walk i was in hysterics. I couldn’t stop crying and blubbering and hoping other people wouldn’t see. I also lost my voice. My mom went off to cry at the church and i apologized (even if the situation is unfixable and skewed from the start. She told me she wished someone shot her so she wouldnt have to look at us, her children. That made me want to die. We’re so successful and so many other parents envy us. I’m a successful engineering student and I volunteer everywhere and I have so many accomplishment. My older sister is an accountant and got a job right out. My little sister is studying to become a nurse. We all have made paths for ourselves but all my mother cares about is if I’m pretty, go to church, or make her look good. It’s like she cares about the idea of having children. I feel sobad because she feeds us and takes care of our family but i cant help feeling like she does it for placeholders, the role of having a family, but not about any of us as people. I want to cry. I feel so alone. I feel like i have no one to support me. I wanted a boyfriend for the longest time, to have someone to share this burden with but now all i think about is how it would encumber me. I think i just want to be loved and appreciated