#this video brings me so much serotonin it’s unreal

[kingofsalmonids]

I’M NOT EVEN GONNA PRETEND THIS IS A SPLATOON POST GO WATCH THIS

[minedcraft-peonies]

I think watching bdubs has given me very specific brain worms.. I can't say sporeblossom without parroting how he says it.

[kahayaya]

Tripping on LSD on June 27, 2020

1:00 pm bout couple minutes ago I took lsd. Let’s see how it goes

2:00 feeling lightheaded. Feel spaced out right now. Alex and Dani are watching some videos. Interesting things. I’m just vibin in my own listening to we all have dreams.

4:00 pm walking outside, feels like a new experience. Everything around us is new. I’ve been here before, but not at the same time. My fov slider is at max.

4:10 were sitting in the pan handle. Again everything around me feels like a new experience. When I look at the clouds it expands my bubble. The bubble expands more and more. Then I look at

4:50 sitting at public bench project. Things are warpy. Typing this message is soo difficult. Holyyyy it’s not straight. Things areee goin wilds noww

5:40: holy this is hard to type. This is max effect of it. Typing is really warpy. But it’s a different vibe . Fog rolled in and I could see it go in and out.  I can’t even type lul

4:52 am next day

I thought I’d wrap up and take you along the journey from where I am now. To get this off my chest, that whole ~14 hours felt like an eternity. The come up started when I started to walk up Parker. The long hill felt like it could take days to reach the top. By the time we got to the top of the hill, it felt like 10 minutes pass. We decided to go to the Gleason plaza. I noticed the tiles on the ground seem to pop up and I see different colors, that were always there. This point, this would be the shrooms high, where things popped up more visually. The sky felt like it expanded my view. We decided to walk to tank hill. Before the steps to embark on our journey, we notice the layer of hills to our destination. This was cool. We made our way down on Clayton st and made it to a bench in the panhandle. We sat there for a bit and notice the vibrancy of the landscape. Then we decided to continue our journey. As we’ll hike up, sometime along the way, we decided to grab a drink. We thought it would be a smart idea to hydrate ourselves before we embark further. Throughout the series of this, Alex would bring up how he is a mech. I giggled and this would be our way of describing the feeling of ourselves. Continuing to find a store, we stumble upon a public bench project. We pass it and says that’s cool. We went to the the store but there was a line outside. We decided to go to a liquor store down the st for a faster way to grab a beverage. We arrive at the destination, but it looked like it was a bar to order drinks. We laughed at how dumb we were. And we decide to wait in line from the other store. As we pass another liquor store, this store was our destination, but even though we arrived it was just wine inside. We giggled furthermore on how dumb we were. We pull up to the line waiting. I look at the outside and I look at the ground . I was questioning if we were waiting in the right line, as the line says for a hardware. I ask Alex and he’s unsure too. We reluctantly left the queue and just went into the store to buy the beverage. I remember looking at the drinks and people were around. People’s presence was around but I also felt like they were out to get me. But to keep my self collected and calm I didn’t really react. Me and Alex purchase the drink, in which the interaction with the cashier felt really jumbly. I couldn’t process what she had said other than just guesses: we rush out the store and return to the public bench project to chill. Me and Alex we’re talking and I remember I pulled out my phone. I tried typing what I was feeling and the warpy hands were kicking in. My body felt a bit disconnected with myself when I was typing on the keyboard. I felt at unease so I stopped typing. Some conversation was happening and we decided to continue the journey to tank hill. I’m remember waking up and the hallucinations were kicking in. The cars felt wobbly. I remember passing this lady on the walk and she was short. But as we passed her, she became this normal size human. Towards the stairs of tank hill, I felt my body heating up and breathing hard. Alex mentioned how his mech was overheating. We walk up the stairs and we arrived at tank hill. I walk to the open area. I felt like the openness of the area was not like this. Alex told me this was always this open. I went with it and we decided to go to the benches. Sitting on the benches was something else. Alex recorded us and it was windy. The fog was slowly rolling into SF on to the houses we saw. I suggested we go somewhere else than the benches, as I get like I was floating. We just said fuck it and sat on the ground where we took photos with Dennis. Settling down, Alex called rayan. Seeing rayan was weird. Like my perceptions were throwing me off. His face was like the filters of swirling and enlarging the middle of his face. I thought rayan was an Indian dude calling Alex for some tech. Yup I knew myself for being a stereotyping rayan in this. Rayan was also intentionally was being goofy on FaceTime. But I kept second guessing myself if rayan was using filters to make his face look unreal. Rayan also looked like he was in a motion blur on. Then Rayan wanted to let us go or something and he hung up. It was at this point I felt like looking in to the city was the best. I felt like being cemented to where I was at. I felt like I could have been a rock, a grass, dirt, or anything. But I was an entity on top of tank hill just being able to look around. I would let the wind take control of my movements. The winds were very strong up there as well. The best part was looking at the city slowly clear up and you could see across the Bay Area. Then the fog rolled in again and shrouded the city. Witnessing that was pretty cool. After what felt like hours, we decided to go back to the panhandle. We walk down and we saw these skaters going down. We stopped before going down the stairs to watch the skaters. They didn’t do anything so we decided to walk down. We then looked at the skaters again, but I felt weird just looking at them so I told Alex we should continue to walk down. We walk down and I play music. Keep in mind, I was playing music throughout the journey here. We go down to the bottom of tank hill and I said can we just chill here for a bit. I told Alex to queue footie slide or something. He laughed and said the song was called Toosie slide. We then continue to make our way to golden gate park. We decided to take a different route to get back. Going this route felt like a whole new experience. Alex’s dad was calling him. He decided to pick up. I remember saying nihao and when I looked at Alex’s dad’s face, it was a bit distorted. I was like wtf but continue to say hi. We stood there for a bit and Alex ended his call. Then was walked down this road for what felt like hours. Playing music here was enveloping the scene around. Turning on Alex’s noise cancelling was nutty. It felt like I was in a room, but the room consisted of whatever was in my vision. We continue to walk down the hill. As we reach the bottom, we make a comment on how this was the street that we said could have looked like any other neighborhood, unless you look at the hill. We continue to make our way to the golden gate park. Alex was saying he was getting hungry. I too was getting hungry but didn’t crave anything particular. We also came to a decision to go tot the skate park. We went and it only had one person. We watched for a bit and then we decided we should head back. Walking back we went to out old bench to just sit in for a bit. I remember I felt the comedown happening, but not like a lack of serotonin. Just the lack of hallucination, but here I felt just really high. The only hallucination if anything was how more aware of what was in my field of vision. We sat there for a while and then we decided to go back to Gleeson plaza.

Okay it 5:28 pm, but there is literally soooo much more to write. But I think I should continue my thoughts tomorrow. Hopefully I will still have them in mind. But if you stuck it out here I congratulate you on making it far in this chunk of text. 

Chow

[fenhareltalking]

Vojin

Isn’t it pathetic that I only come here to write about bad stuff? I don’t want to look depressive but.. lol. Look at this page, only boys and aging. I am a pessimist after all! yey! Anyways. I actually did visit here before, I guess 2 months ago or something. Tried writing about the very same topic but did not go as planned. I have been trying out this act: to act as if nothing’s bothering you or as if it is not important enough. The issue is, it is. And I am tired of acting, pretending that it is all okay. It is not. It’s gonna be our 4th month but since he went away, I feel like it’s all falling apart. It was lovely. It was the loveliest, the most real thing I have felt against someone. I never thought I would but I did. He was the only person who did not make me think of others. He did not make me compare him to the others because in my eyes he was perfect. Those first months, oh my god.. You should have seen us in bed, all the love, the affection. It was unreal. I never thought I would be this happy with someone. Everyday it felt unreal and I was so lucky. However, I feel as though it’s not the case anymore. I do feel the affection, the “woof” (It is the made up word I started saying instead of ‘love’ because he wouldn’t say ‘love’ to me. Wonder why...) but some things just.. don’t add up, ya dig?  I seriously don’t know where to start. But I guess I will be typing the following part as a letter for him. One day he might see.  Dear Vojin. It is currently 00.03, February 14th. Valentine’s day. We went to the movies yesterday, to watch “The Parasite”. It actually turned out to be quite good. I have so many things to say Vojin. I feel like you do too. We are both closed boxes you and me. I know you are. I know you are keeping some things inside, there are parts of your mind that I can’t quite comprehend and you won’t reveal. I also have some closed boxes that you will probably never try to bring to light. I do not mean that you are keeping secrets or lying to me, maybe you are, but that’s not what I mean whatsoever. You gave me such happiness that I will never ever forget how it felt. It was the most real I have ever felt in a relationship. It could have been compared to secreting serotonin. I will never forget how your first kiss felt on my back, while we made love under the pale moonlight. I will never forget the vibration between our skins, the warmth when we held hands.  You know what, to be honest, up until the day that I came to your house, I was not thinking that serious about us. I had gotten out of a toxic relationship, I was living the life. The cake, the book the picnics were nice and all but, it wasn’t them that made me fall for you. It was what they call “ten uyumu” in Turkish. It was the first time I felt that. That was what made the tables turn. Of course afterwards, your talk, your sweetness, everything added up to that.  I am not idiot Vojin. I can see what is going on, I sense when something’s not going right. And for the last 2 months, it’s not been going great. At all. At some point of our lives, I started stalking you. I think it began while you were away. You should give me credit now. Yeah yeah you don’t like jealousy blah blah. But you also shouldn’t give reason to be jealous you know. And you have been. Not deliberately maybe, but you have. We had our talks about your instagram. Three times. All of them you said I was right and apologized. But that did not stop you and you knew it wasn’t gonna. I feel like there is a wall between you and me. We hug, we kiss, we fuck but that tall concrete wall of yours, does not let me through. There are things you are not telling, things you are hiding. And that disturbs me. I don’t know if it’s cultural or psychological but something’s not compatible between us. After a while you just stopped calling me “soulmate” you stopped saying “I fell in love with you” and all that talk. It was gone. Even when you said we were soulmates, did you believe that? Because even I did not. We had above the average relationship but we are so different.  I want to tell you of a time I felt like a complete idiot. Remember my ex Alp right? We were playing games together with him, even though we had broken up we had been good friends, because he knows me the best psychologically and he was my best friend. Even though we were gaming together and geyik talking and everything, I did not want him to follow me on instagram. Because I thought you might have been disturbed by that. It took me a week to decide that, to be honest. First we followed each other but then after long thinking I decided it wasn’t right. So I unf’ed him. But then I learned what? You had already been following your ex ‘Batu’ on insta for a month :) You had liked all his pictures as usual and god knows if you talked on ig. I felt so stupid. I was trying my best to emphatize with you, in case you had seen an ex of mine on the list, but you... you already had a post with one, following and liking the other. Can you see, at least a little bit, what I’m trying to convey here? 

After all that instagram attention you were happily receiving, the game of comparison had begun for me. And sure as hell I was going to lose. There is always someone better, we all know that. But you constantly made me feel that. You made me feel as if I wasn’t enough for you. Yes you were calling me cute, beautiful every now and then but it’s not the words, it’s the actions that make something feel real. I was seeing all those comments under Eren’s posts, always a heart, a compliment. Where were mine? You used to share me on your stories. What happened to that? I am not so low on the self-confident issues but you were making me feel bad about it. All your narcisst jokes and answers whenever I were complimenting you. “Yeah I know. I know I am beautiful.” and your so called ‘jokes’, calling me “ugly, eh, not so bad” those hurt you know. And don’t get me started on all the times you called Antony, Dick Grayson or some other guys on ads “hot” and indicated that you wanted to fuck them. Of course they were “jokes” but I had warned you. They made me feel fucking insufficent. For you those might have been normal, funny jokes but for me, they were not. And I had been changing my opinion for you. You made me change myself. I hated that. You made me feel my jealousy was improper, unnecessary. But it was not. I wonder if you ever loved me as much as you loved Batu. I am sorry for not being blond, having green eyes, and a face you do not, sorry, did not appreciate as much, but I tried giving you my best. I tried being the best I could be, the most generous, the kindest and the most loving I could be.

There are some things I know about you. I may never reveal them or by the time you read this, I might have already shared. After learning, they had just given me a more general idea of your character. At least your past character. I never judged your current motives with what I learned. Because I loved you. I wanted to believe you. I imagined, while you were away, we weren’t talking on video and you said you needed “me time”. You were included in my “me times” and it was such a blow to learn that I was not included in yours. Were you talking with Batu on video more? How often were you calling him? Once every ten days? I don’t think so.  All in all Vojin, it is with great sorrow I’m telling that I realized you stopped loving me as much as you used to. I feel the distance and the lack of interest. I curse at myself for trying more than you do. I believe with your most relationship, the same thing happened. You went away, and you came back loving less. I know you don’t love me as much as I love you. I wish you had. This was the relationship that taught me the most. I shall also never forget all the lessons you taught me, the things you made me realize. I want to wish you a good life Vojin but, I think a part of me just wants you to live the same. I want you to have the jealousy and the same paranoias and I want you to be called “crazy” by your partner because of them, as you called me.  Farewell Cetkovic. It was a really harsh but educatory Serbian storm you had made me survive.