fenhareltalking

[fenhareltalking]

Vojin

Isn’t it pathetic that I only come here to write about bad stuff? I don’t want to look depressive but.. lol. Look at this page, only boys and aging. I am a pessimist after all! yey! Anyways. I actually did visit here before, I guess 2 months ago or something. Tried writing about the very same topic but did not go as planned. I have been trying out this act: to act as if nothing’s bothering you or as if it is not important enough. The issue is, it is. And I am tired of acting, pretending that it is all okay. It is not. It’s gonna be our 4th month but since he went away, I feel like it’s all falling apart. It was lovely. It was the loveliest, the most real thing I have felt against someone. I never thought I would but I did. He was the only person who did not make me think of others. He did not make me compare him to the others because in my eyes he was perfect. Those first months, oh my god.. You should have seen us in bed, all the love, the affection. It was unreal. I never thought I would be this happy with someone. Everyday it felt unreal and I was so lucky. However, I feel as though it’s not the case anymore. I do feel the affection, the “woof” (It is the made up word I started saying instead of ‘love’ because he wouldn’t say ‘love’ to me. Wonder why...) but some things just.. don’t add up, ya dig?  I seriously don’t know where to start. But I guess I will be typing the following part as a letter for him. One day he might see.  Dear Vojin. It is currently 00.03, February 14th. Valentine’s day. We went to the movies yesterday, to watch “The Parasite”. It actually turned out to be quite good. I have so many things to say Vojin. I feel like you do too. We are both closed boxes you and me. I know you are. I know you are keeping some things inside, there are parts of your mind that I can’t quite comprehend and you won’t reveal. I also have some closed boxes that you will probably never try to bring to light. I do not mean that you are keeping secrets or lying to me, maybe you are, but that’s not what I mean whatsoever. You gave me such happiness that I will never ever forget how it felt. It was the most real I have ever felt in a relationship. It could have been compared to secreting serotonin. I will never forget how your first kiss felt on my back, while we made love under the pale moonlight. I will never forget the vibration between our skins, the warmth when we held hands.  You know what, to be honest, up until the day that I came to your house, I was not thinking that serious about us. I had gotten out of a toxic relationship, I was living the life. The cake, the book the picnics were nice and all but, it wasn’t them that made me fall for you. It was what they call “ten uyumu” in Turkish. It was the first time I felt that. That was what made the tables turn. Of course afterwards, your talk, your sweetness, everything added up to that.  I am not idiot Vojin. I can see what is going on, I sense when something’s not going right. And for the last 2 months, it’s not been going great. At all. At some point of our lives, I started stalking you. I think it began while you were away. You should give me credit now. Yeah yeah you don’t like jealousy blah blah. But you also shouldn’t give reason to be jealous you know. And you have been. Not deliberately maybe, but you have. We had our talks about your instagram. Three times. All of them you said I was right and apologized. But that did not stop you and you knew it wasn’t gonna. I feel like there is a wall between you and me. We hug, we kiss, we fuck but that tall concrete wall of yours, does not let me through. There are things you are not telling, things you are hiding. And that disturbs me. I don’t know if it’s cultural or psychological but something’s not compatible between us. After a while you just stopped calling me “soulmate” you stopped saying “I fell in love with you” and all that talk. It was gone. Even when you said we were soulmates, did you believe that? Because even I did not. We had above the average relationship but we are so different.  I want to tell you of a time I felt like a complete idiot. Remember my ex Alp right? We were playing games together with him, even though we had broken up we had been good friends, because he knows me the best psychologically and he was my best friend. Even though we were gaming together and geyik talking and everything, I did not want him to follow me on instagram. Because I thought you might have been disturbed by that. It took me a week to decide that, to be honest. First we followed each other but then after long thinking I decided it wasn’t right. So I unf’ed him. But then I learned what? You had already been following your ex ‘Batu’ on insta for a month :) You had liked all his pictures as usual and god knows if you talked on ig. I felt so stupid. I was trying my best to emphatize with you, in case you had seen an ex of mine on the list, but you... you already had a post with one, following and liking the other. Can you see, at least a little bit, what I’m trying to convey here? 

After all that instagram attention you were happily receiving, the game of comparison had begun for me. And sure as hell I was going to lose. There is always someone better, we all know that. But you constantly made me feel that. You made me feel as if I wasn’t enough for you. Yes you were calling me cute, beautiful every now and then but it’s not the words, it’s the actions that make something feel real. I was seeing all those comments under Eren’s posts, always a heart, a compliment. Where were mine? You used to share me on your stories. What happened to that? I am not so low on the self-confident issues but you were making me feel bad about it. All your narcisst jokes and answers whenever I were complimenting you. “Yeah I know. I know I am beautiful.” and your so called ‘jokes’, calling me “ugly, eh, not so bad” those hurt you know. And don’t get me started on all the times you called Antony, Dick Grayson or some other guys on ads “hot” and indicated that you wanted to fuck them. Of course they were “jokes” but I had warned you. They made me feel fucking insufficent. For you those might have been normal, funny jokes but for me, they were not. And I had been changing my opinion for you. You made me change myself. I hated that. You made me feel my jealousy was improper, unnecessary. But it was not. I wonder if you ever loved me as much as you loved Batu. I am sorry for not being blond, having green eyes, and a face you do not, sorry, did not appreciate as much, but I tried giving you my best. I tried being the best I could be, the most generous, the kindest and the most loving I could be.

There are some things I know about you. I may never reveal them or by the time you read this, I might have already shared. After learning, they had just given me a more general idea of your character. At least your past character. I never judged your current motives with what I learned. Because I loved you. I wanted to believe you. I imagined, while you were away, we weren’t talking on video and you said you needed “me time”. You were included in my “me times” and it was such a blow to learn that I was not included in yours. Were you talking with Batu on video more? How often were you calling him? Once every ten days? I don’t think so.  All in all Vojin, it is with great sorrow I’m telling that I realized you stopped loving me as much as you used to. I feel the distance and the lack of interest. I curse at myself for trying more than you do. I believe with your most relationship, the same thing happened. You went away, and you came back loving less. I know you don’t love me as much as I love you. I wish you had. This was the relationship that taught me the most. I shall also never forget all the lessons you taught me, the things you made me realize. I want to wish you a good life Vojin but, I think a part of me just wants you to live the same. I want you to have the jealousy and the same paranoias and I want you to be called “crazy” by your partner because of them, as you called me.  Farewell Cetkovic. It was a really harsh but educatory Serbian storm you had made me survive. 

[fenhareltalking]

24

Wanted to start the post as Miley’s song: “21″. As if highlighting your age is important and people care. We most likely think of every age as a milestone.We say “This year, everything’s going to be different.” For some of us it is true. For me it has never been. Have you ever thought as a kid, that you would turn out to be an incompetent person when you grew up? I did. When I was a kid, I was not good at things, not in any class except for English. Combine it with the bullying I received on a regular basis, and now add some friction! Ta-da! You have me. I honestly hate being depressive, reading depressive things, listening to depressive people but aren’t we all depressed? I say to people: “I’ve never been in a depression.” But maybe I’m experiencing a never-ending depression? Lol. Whatevs. I just realized I only write some shit when I feel sad about a boy. Am I a whore yet?  There’s this guy that I met more than a month ago. He is a foreigner. Has been studying in my town for 4 years now. This is his last year. He will fucking leave this country in 5-6-7 months. And we started a relationship. Do I have doubts, well, when did I not have any? I’m a doubt machine. Not doubting my feelings towards him but what is gonna happen when he leaves? Oh btw he is so freaking social, he follows lots of guys on insta, and likes their pics. Which is tbh a bit discomforting. He says he only follows people with good “aesthetic” back. Do you mean handsome? That is rude and inconsiderate. I wouldn’t do that. He says: “Well, I’m good-looking, they’re good-looking. Why not follow each other?” Yeah of course keep your followers. You might need them. Ugh I’m getting all grumpy and bitchy. I hate being jealous.. If I were social and attractive enough like him I think I would also act like him and he would be jeal......... I can’t even continue, I sighed a bunch. This is depressive and I feel like a teenager. Im a 24 year old boy, sorry man, who talks about boys. I hate my life. 

[fenhareltalking]

Goodbye Fairy

Another chapter in the book has ended. It was already over. We knew that. I knew that. I still have questions in my head: Were we unwittingly fooling ourselves? Pretending that we loved each other more than we actually did? But can we even answer these questions?  I remember seeing him in that club, he looked so exotic. I have no idea what drew my attention. He was so different than the stereotypical guys I would date. I liked him so much, and for a time it was amazing, my feelings, but I feel like we hit a hard brick wall along the way, somewhere. I don’t know if it was all the drama, all the bullshit we’ve put ourselves through... 

After a certain while, despite the emotions, going on became harder. Something was missing, but how could I say “no” to him, he had become my best friend as well, and losing him would be the greatest loss. And I just couldn’t leave his hand. There were times I felt as if I was fooling myself, and that this wouldn’t go on forever. But I never had the strength to.. move on, say something, say anything. So I kept being silent. I shut my mouth. I just closed my eyes, closed my mouth and smiled. I said yes to everything I did not desire, everything I was against to. But it was okay.

Now, I can only think of the memories, the happy ones. The sad ones are, unfortunately, more overwhelming. You can guess how my mind works. If it is sad, just ignore it. This is how I survive. I am sorry that I will try not to cry, I am sorry that I’ll probably do stupid stuff to get over you, and I am sorry for the love I couldn’t give you.

You were always this destitute little boy, sitting near the window, looking outside, thinking about all the sadness, unfortunate events you have gone through. Lighting up the cigarette on your hand, looking at me with a broken smile. You had so much to say, I never asked. I am sorry. 

Now, I have given you a few more reasons to be sad about. I hope you get over the bullshit I put you into, as soon as possible. You always complained about being alone, feeling worthless. You are so not aware of your surrounding though. You will be so happy. You will acquire that happiness. I want you to be happy, but my heart probably cannot bear seeing you in that situation. 

This is the farewell letter you will never read Fairy. These are some of the things I will never be able to say to you. And the rest is in my mind. You will never know. I am sorry for everything I put you through. I hope you won’t do silly things just to get over your feelings. I will respect everything you have given me and hold them close to my heart until it gets all rotten and cold. 

Farewell Fairy. Farewell. 

[fenhareltalking]

Guapo

I saw him after almost 2 years. His smile as bright as an August day, his eyes shining like a four-leaf clover... He brought all the happiness with him. We were together for 6 days. I tried to live each one of them to the fullest. I watched him, memorized his structure. Never considered him a “crush” but this time.. I don’t know how to refer to him. Friend? Best friend? I am confused. We touch each other, put little cute kisses on each other’s cheeks, hug... I did not question his orientation. I know he has only been with girls and kissed with girls before. Everytime I think of him I remember that little kiss I put on his lips back in 2016. But it was such a little kiss that nobody ever talked about it afterwards. But I did not forget, neither did he. During their last day, we went to a pub. I was sick, he found my glasses cute though. I started talking about my love back in Lithuania. The guy I fell so madly in love with. I shared a memory. Obvioulsy he found it so deep, he started looking at me a little different for the rest of the night. He wasn’t only looking friendly, but also there was a hidden meaning, deep beneath his pupils. I asked “Why are you looking at me like that?”  He answered: “Nothing. I’m not thinking anything.” I smiled. “Liar. You always think something.”

We came to my place, he was going to stay here. We went to the balcony, had a couple of cigars, drinks, ate some snack and had a long talk about life, dreams, our weaknesses. We both find each other very interesting. Throughout my life I have been told that I am a closed box. I cannot call myself an introverter but since I grew up not having many good friends who accepted me for who I am, I always kept my thoughts to myself. Nowadays I don’t do it on purpose but I think it became a habit. He realized that. He told me: “You always start saying something very good and emotional then again finish it with a joke. I know you have a lot more to say in there.” pointing at my head. He was right, I do. I always have. He told me that he wanted to kiss me that night, in order to keep me at his heart, or as his friend, I don’t recall the reason, I was so excited. He told me to have courage when it came to opening up to people. Note was taken. 

We went to my room. My heart was beating so fast, I thought I was going to faint. I was thinking to myself “How do I kiss him? Should I directly lean on and press my lips against his? Or maybe ask for a permission?” I started talking, but I made no sense. “So, another day is gone, tomorrow is a new day...” nodding meanwhile. He looked confused, obviously, asked me: “What are you talking about?” he kept on smiling. I did not want to wait anymore. I told him: “I am giving you a 2 years material.” Then I just came closer and suddenly kissed him. His lips tasted so manly, even though we did not have any, I could taste the whisky. His kiss, so soft.. I can call it one of the best kissing experiences of my life. He knew how to kiss, how to treat someone. He held my neck with one of his hands, I could not move. I could not stop. We started kissing faster. Although I wanted to lose myself in that moment, with the fear of possibility of my father coming in to the room any moment, we had to stop after a brief 15 seconds. It was the best moment of my year. I never felt my heart pounding this much. I told him “One last kiss, and I go.” I pressed my lips for the last time, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to do this again maybe in ten years or ever, then we stopped. Looked at each other in the eye. We were both enjoying it so much, I think under the right conditions we would take it way too far. I got up. He hugged me while sitting on the bed. He took me in his arms, put his head on my belly. I kissed his head, we stayed like that for another 15 seconds.  “Good night.” “Good night.”

I layed down on the sofa. Thinking about everything just happened. I was super happy, confused.. I wanted more of it. But I knew it was not possible with my father in the house. Also, I did not want to push my limits. I waited for the next day, with my heart in my mouth. The next day was weird. There seemed to be little conversation between each other, but he was not cold. I think we were both confused about how to act. All day long I was quiet. It was time to say goodbye. They had a bus at the night. I wasn’t ready. I needed more time with him. More time. But it was not possible. I left him at the bus station. We hugged for a long time. I could not hold my tears back on my way back. He was gone. He took all the happiness with him. He taught me some lessons though. I will always be grateful. I will always keep that beautiful moment on my mind. You took my heart with you guapo, but I will take it back from you. I will be waiting for the next time I hug you. A year later, maybe two, but I know I will. 

So, that was my version of “Call Me By Your Name”. He left 1 day after the kiss and the emotions. I feel like a wreck, but I will survive this too. I will see you, and I will look at your eyes, deep into that hazel sea, that infinite horizon... and I will hug you again. I love you. 

Till I feel something else than the emptiness in my heart; farewell. 

[fenhareltalking]

The First Entry

This is Fen’Harel talking. You probably wonder what ‘Fen’Harel’ means. Or simply do not care at all. Both is fine. Fen’Harel is an ancient elven god. He is thought to be the god of betrayal or rebellion. However, he is not. He is the saviour. He is called ‘’the betrayer’’ only because he defied the old gods since they wanted more and more power. He has a strong justification and you can find it online. It’s not my job to tell you the story. A blog such as this was always meant to be created by me. It’s just... Wrong timing and lack of willpower I guess. But finally here I am, ready to ‘sing my heart out’. Not that I am too willing to share this but I just want it to stay here. I just want to say when the time comes: ‘’You know what, I wrote my feelings down.’’ I guess this first entry will not have a specific topic. I generally want to talk about so many things, about so many people in one sit. Still, if this entry is to have a topic, let it be ‘’life’’. I know it’s a cliche and probably the 5,000,000th entry written about it but wouldn’t it be different each time? Because my perception of life is different. Everyone has different interpretations of it. There are possibly 74 billion different meanings of life. Mine is not the greatest nor the worst. I hope. The moment that convinced me into creating this blog was such a simple yet meaningful one.  It was October 26th, I was on my car, looking outside the window. Watching the sky, leaves, birds, buildings... I think I was questioning life? A daily task we always do I know but that moment was different. It felt as if it was worth writing down you know? My thoughts I mean. I remember asking myself: ‘’is it all worth it?’’ It may or may not be stupid to ask this to myself. Not like ‘’is it worth living’’ but more like ‘’is it worth trying?’’  ‘’Of course it is!!’’ I can hear stupid (sorry for calling you that but, duh?) optimistics saying but IS IT REALLY? Is there more to see? Is it ever enough for us? Are there reasons for us to keep living? Is fear the only thing that prevents us from ending our lives? Why do I always have these things going on in my head? I remeber thinking about possibilities. Possibilities that we all have. Such as going abroad, being rich, dying poor, catching a fatal virus. The clouds remind me of these things. Whenever I look up at the sky I can feel the hope growing. That’s one of the few moments that make me say ‘‘Life is worth living...’‘ But is it? Why do I always have this feeling of liability? I feel like I’m never enough. Never good enough to do something, be someone. I’m not a depressed person but these thoughts are always going on in my head. Is it because I have dreams yet to achieve? Is it because they are pretty hard for me to grasp and I don’t have the strength to follow them and actually try hard for them? I’d love to know the answers to these. I keep looking back and saying ‘‘I wish I had studied this or that, wish I had been a bit smarter, or more hardworking’‘ all those times I was being lazy, and doing nothing. It would eventually pay out. So maybe this is a kind of life that people like me ought to live? Or am taking the easy way out by saying that? I don’t believe in faith so it’s probably because I’m a lazy ass and do not try hard enough. I know... But I also know that I am young, still have a world of opportunities in front of me and I can/should try for a happier future no? I can be a stripper, a porn star maybe? Man, I just hitch my vagon to a star what can I say...