#this story was so autobiographical and it just made no fucking sense but you know what? im valid

[sock-to-the-third]

The Obelisk Gate

By NK Jemisin

Disclaimer: def mispelled some names, my bad

I love how Alabaster came back. It makes it feel more tied to The Fifth Season, in a … poetic way?

As far as structure goes, The Fifth Season is incredible. As it goes with orogenes vs stills and intergenerational trauma, I connected to The Obelisk Gate more.

Nassun

I can’t get over the difference between Coru and Nassun’s upbringing. Just how it feels like a whole separate universe seeing Nassun talking about Essun.

Essun even did the hand breaking thing!

Like fucking god, I forgot how terrified she must be to just do that. Syen certainly wouldn’t have done that to Coru. I don’t know how to put it into words. I’m just glad that Essun isn’t made out to be evil but Nassun’s feelings about this are portrayed as valid.

It was like she was raised by the facade of a parent when in reality Essun just brought the Fulcrum home and became an instructor.

…

v Jija

Nassun’s love of Jija is so palpable. Her denial after seeing her bro post-incident to trying to find a way to keep Jija as her dad in her mind.

Also, it just makes me wonder with Jija’s portrayal if this is how some people keep the cognitive dissonance in their mind thinking they’re doing good while also doing that…

It’s also really heart-breaking at the end when Nassun has to break off her relationship with her father. She tried so hard. Also just the way that her father not accepting her and her brother is largely what lead her to having to kill in self-defense and take this path.

I can’t remember the quote but Schaffa described Jija as someone who was like an acid or hyperreactive— that there wasn’t a safe way to be around him.

And damn did she try. She fawned over him and did everything to manipulate the situation where they could be in the same room but he was so set in those ways. It’s almost like Father Earth had a hold of him, except unlike Schafa, he didn’t try to fight it.

…

Essun

I want to talk exclusively about Essun first but since all the things I want to talk about are mostly relating to her relationship with other characters GAH! Okay, so.. I really liked how she uncovered how to sess out the magic in the Earth with Ykka’s help.

It’s this magical (heh) scene that I honestly should’ve saved a quote from. The way even the descriptive text seems to hold it’s breath as she realizes the white stringy things are everywhere.

Also, I originally sought out The Fifth Season researching DID and I completely forgot until now. Some of the interludes plus Essun being in the 2nd person solidify it. It’s not like other portrayals I’ve seen like Set a House in Order (pretty sure written by a neurotypical) and When Rabbit Howls (story-style autobiographical).

It’s like someone else speaks to Essun and other times sort of the audience? It’s sweet and idk, I liked it.

v Ykka

I know she’s not Ykka’s time but I totally shift it. Plus I love how Ykka’s feral orogeny gives her such a different perspective on the Earth and how it moves, more practical. It shifts Essun’s whole perspective on what a “feral” could be and it’s so adorable and I love the character development.

v Alabaster

TvT They’re such a great QPR. Like fuck Alabaster for triggering a season but him dying sucked ass. It made sense narratively but man, the feels.

Also lol, him being like “fuck teaching the kids” was hilarious when Essun is like “have you ever taught someone?” And then I’m like “Essun, you are a jackass to the kids. Terrifying students does not equal great teacher.”

I would not change that section. Just found my reactio amusing.

v Hoa

Hoa is laying it on, damn! Glad he got the grown up bod before doing that lol.

…

Schaffa

I kinda like Schaffa, on the other hand, god he somehow terrifies me more now that he can resist the Core Stone thing with how he still is on a genocide spree with that satellite Fulcrum.

Also, idk why but it still surprises me the Artic Fulcrum had no guardian but still kept breaking the hands of grits. Like… I know Essun got messed up but with a whole group of orogenes, you’d think they would want to upend it? Idk, it makes sense but it just makes me sad is all.

…

On the bright side, I was able to read the book in under a week without dissassociating which made for alot more pleasant read. I love The Fifth Season but between… everything, that was a hard af read. A good read but hard. This one’s more so sad.

I don’t know how to express how much I liked it. I want to say love like.. idk, feeling strong emotions can be weird? Idk fuck it, I loved it.

Prev: The Fifth Season

Sequel: [forgot the name]

[tomyo]

Admittedly there’s a struggle with making a whole “sub brand” of me becoming autobiographical comics. I struggle a bit in a few ways; one being that it can often feel like my stories are things my peers don’t want to hear and another being people not necessarily liking being a part of those stories. In general it can be hard to navigate between censoring yourself and being fully raw as there’s a fine line between something that will resonate and something that will become morbid. In a lot of my circles, My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness is basically this well loved narrative of Nagata Kabi being in some sense pathetic. To be clear I relate to that story so deeply on a personal level and I love its obsessive examinations on self but from the perspective of the people in her life, she was probably not well looked upon. And my frustration comes because I can see how people could read and love that and then turn around and not feel the same for me. It’s not as fun to know the artist personally, the magic of their narrative isn’t as infallible. I don’t even think I’m necessarily making stuff that’s going to grip people deeply, they’re just my experience and examinations on how I feel. But there are points where I want to be really honest on my suicidal feelings or negative emotions involving others and it’s like yeah that’s unpleasant. Healing often is unpleasant, not everyone is you life contributes towards that if not sometimes damages it unintentionally.

Part of me is hyper aware that it is trauma from art school. That it was this hell pit where I just felt like I didn’t have the secret ingredient. It was frustrating as hell, to watch my classmates get gushed over and praised while feeling like I was just 60%, something that was fine but not noteworthy. It can sound like I needed to be told I was special but it was more about watching classmates get away with things that you know if you tried or did similar you’d get chewed out for. I probably could have taken that easier if not it being a little depressing if it weren’t for DK literally being a god damned menace. Telling me to quit school, refocusing all my attempts to get proper feedback on how mentally unwell I was, ignoring if I showed up with fully new work for my thesis, saying in front of everyone he didn’t understand why I bothered to show up today, and goading others to give the critic because there was no point in him saying anything. That last one strikes something in me, the way it felt like standing next to my work with my back to the wall was when he wanted others to throw stones at me. It didn’t feel like he was asking others to give me input but to further push how worthless I was in his eyes. No one spoke while we sat in silence for a solid minute like they were children afraid to get caught in the crossfire (I don’t mean that in a way to insult them, I can’t think of a better analogy for keeping your head down to not get in trouble by proxy). I have been fucked up for years because of those 3ish months of my life. Knowing that something is wrong but all the efforts you make to talk to the system or your peers to change what everyone knew was a problem only led back to him finding out you snitched and him getting angrier and meaner towards you. And every week you end up displaying your progress next to the classmate with the special ingredient that makes him spend a whole hour of crit where it’s just praised only to give you less than a minute when he turns towards yours. Suddenly a “what I’m about just didn’t mesh well with the school environment but school isn’t life” becomes “You were just made not good enough if you never make good work and no one wants to believe in you”.

Even down to my emotional moments on my private accounts, my brain just grapples with “You look pathetic in their eyes”. The more I want to make less vague comics the more I think “they’ll resent you and tell you how awful it was for you to make these.”. And I juggle a lot on that, that sometimes that the “breakups” weren’t because I think the people where evil or even in the wrong but that I, a fucked up person, had to make less than stellar decisions to survive. When I tell my mum how I miss people I chose to stop talking to, she said that I was too extreme and even after taking that moment to finally tell her I was diagnosed with BPD I don’t think she fully connects that it was survival. That she would have either had a dead child if I kept trying to do things “the mature way” or I had to sever ties before I made them all reflect about it at a funeral. That yes I have an inclining that my brain is overclocking but it still stands that my self value will struggle if I’m in a friend group that made a big deal about every other person’s birthday but didn’t even remember mine for 5+ years or if another seems to give weird vibes if you’re around and you try to say it’s cool if you just don’t work with them anymore but are left between people who keep you around while partially annoyed that you still are. No one wanted to own any reflection on the dynamics I had with them and it felt like the idea that even partial responsibility was needed was a crime. It felt like the ideal solution for people was that I slowly faded out from vision and died quietly rather than have to confront any bad emotions.

No one wants to know about the noose in your room. The moment you force that knowledge upon them is a sudden burden they didn’t want. “It’s okay to tell us you’re depressed uwu* but don’t actually talk about the nasty parts because that’s you’re responsibility to deal with yourself far away from us and possibly without therapy because that can be inconvenient.” They don’t want to know about the noose because you shouldn’t have a noose to begin with, a noose is a symbol of something being wrong and possibly bearing others to be responsible for you. If there is no noose then nothing is ever wrong in their sphere and all the bad things belong to you alone. The noose forces them to have to think beyond that, why it exists, how to get rid of it, is it properly gone, will you use the noose? I’ve seen what happens after the noose, they cry, they feel all this responsibility that they didn’t take in preventing it, and they hate that there’s a loss they have to feel now. And after that, they still never want to know there’s a noose in your room.

Getting back in the rails rather than typing out what’s probably now its own comics in the works, it’s just….its just hard to think that when I do these things that it feels like others look down on me for it. In reality I have become thin skinned if not always have been so despite being someone more than willing to dish it out. I talk about how I intend to be a problem, worse™️, in my villain era this year. That medicating and trying to let it go felt more like desperately trying to ignore the problem until I purged the emotions in a less productive way. When I think about Bojack and Bad Damage, I couldn’t relate. Throwing all my struggles into comic pages, small narrative snippets, allegorical artwork has felt cathartic despite sometimes chaotic. It’s like untangling a thread by looming it into a tapestry. Vague uneasy feeling get filed away properly. But the flip side of it is how I know I’ll have to mask some my choices not to be chastised or given a speech how everyone always thinks they don’t need their medicine until they do. I am not doing it because I think I feel good enough without it, I want to take it to feel bad again. To feel like the pain that comes from working out the scaring in physical therapy, to let the emotions hit as raw and terrible as possible and not try to be delicate in the way I feel about them. It was a lie to say I want to loose weight it be healthy, I want to loose weight so I can be thin again because I know all the thin body fashion is eating at me and my boobs getting bigger makes me dysphoric. I want to get a good body in some sense of revenge. I want to sell successfully at cons because on one side it is fulfilling and community building but on the otherside I do like the idea that it puts me in a place of visible success with something that makes me happy. And at the same time in all the ways I’m doing the post breakup improvement rounds, I am also still so vulnerable that Olivia Rodrigo hits too good and I do download tinder when I’m close by enough because I miss them all that much. If I had it my way, truly truly truly my way, I want them to come find me and tell me that they miss me, that I did matter and that they’d be open to listening how I felt under appreciated and even thought that wasn’t their intent that they can recognize that it did trigger me into horrible places because BPD is specifically a personality disorder triggered by social dynamics. I wanted them to at least ask or be curious when I had first told them but it felt brushed off even when they said they didn’t know what it meant. I don’t want them to be persecuted or the bad guy but I want them to at least recognize some ownership over how they make me feel even if the end result is they can’t match my needs. I wanted them to miss me and want to put enough in to try and keep me in their lives. Part of all of this is almost certainly a cry for comfort, to see I’m here and still sad and here’s specifically how I felt sad and what helps me not be sad. And it’s delusional because a different part of me knows the call will never be answered, that I may get solace from strangers connecting to my art but colleagues who become resentful of the work.

I’m achy and overthinking it all because some recent stuff just wants to scoop out those more direct narratives about absolutely simping for someone who didn’t even acknowledge you as a viable partner and kept talking about other women as they were face first in you clevage BECAUSE ITS FUNNY. It’s funny that I knew the situation, I could see that it was a fools marathon and yet my undiagnosed ass still took the jog because what queer doesn’t jump into hilariously terrible romancing choices. I don’t think they’re bad for that situation, I think I’m a clown that put myself there in the first place and really just should’ve spoken up at some point rather than romanticize the idea of having a shojo style plot unravel over 50 excruciating chapters. It’s funny all the cringe narratives we form in our heads before they actually start. And I’m just scared no one else will see mine that way or that I’ll cross a boundary I didn’t notice in the pursuit of that.

Ultimately I think that’s what I have to get comfortable with, that being worse™️ for my own sake will likely kill reconciliation, that I think I’m going to burn bridges and loose friendships this year, that I might move forward rather than attempt the hard and long convo that was the other option. The question comes of when it’s okay to finally use what you had been bottling up for this, do you wait for people to be dead or long gone, for the road to fully get cut off before you talk about these things. And I think I am tired of civility that just makes me carry all of it in me. It’s the trauma I haven’t cleaned house on because removing it puts it out in the world. I still envy the people who have done it, who have partners willing to support being in that limelight with them, or how some seem to escape the recoil of throwing this type of stuff out there. I don’t feel like I’ve ever been given the grace to get those things and I just keep telling myself to get comfortable will that.

[ithisatanytime]

Spiderman Opening Theme (High Quality)

in those short couple of decades the so called nuclear age, radioactivity was set to explain everything! roughly half of the jewish comic book heros becoming popular at the time owed their powers to this new mysterious force, radioactive spiders, gamma rays, beta rays, mr fantastic, the sun and the moon and the stars. we were on the brink of a nuclear age! of nuclear weapons unlike the world had ever seen before and a new exciting form of power, NUCLEAR POWER. so you use some specially prepared plutonium or uranium or some radioactive isotope and you put it in a pool of water and that generates steam which turns a turbine and then you got power baby and clean too! nuclear waste is NOTHING compared to coal waste and there are far fewer greenhouse emissions as its generating power from steam not burning carbon, so why havent we adopted nuclear power wholesale? why do we instead choose to dig metric fucktons of coal out of the earth and burn it when we could get the same for a fraction of the labor, and a fraction of the cost with almost NO greenhouse gas emissions? why isnt greta thunberg screaming from the roof tops about this? its not chernoble or the three mile island incident i mean we still HAVE nuclear power plants all over but just not nearly as many as we have coal burning power plants, and do you know why? because it fucking SUCKS! thats why, its horribly inefficient way to produce steam let alone power, and the powers that be know it and they are as reliant as the power grid as we are so they fucking dropped it, told some horror stories and dropped it dont think about it too much. you see i could get the average man getting bored of the nuclear hype, but not industry, they would quietly make them anyway without giving a shit if the average man was entertained and sleep on piles of fucking cash, but its shit, everything nuclear was exaggerated. many of these exaggerations i know if they had the ability they would go back and undo, and again parallels to the holocaust mythos where early on before the official narrative was cemented long after the supposed events took place some time in the mid fifties, before then there were all kinds of messy competing theories all about equally popular as far as hitlers favorite method of killing jews was, electrified floors was popular as was throwing them alive screaming into burning pits as eli wiesel relates in his supposed first hand account of the deathcamps, his book being the second most popular autobiographical account (its night btw) behind the diary of anne frank, neither book mentions ANYONE being gassed to death, and WEASELs account of people being thrown alive into the pits was challenged by fellow jews when they finally settled on gassing, but besides the big details were all those little details that made for excellent horror propaganda such as human lampshades and soap and babies sewn into soccer balls and men masturbated to death with machines and many other lies that were once accepted as factual but the jews would rather be left forgotten, i get that same sense when i think about the nuclear winter, the shadows permenantly etched into the concrete, the blinding flash, the thousand year uninhabitable zone due to fallout and all this shit some of which theyve already had to backpedal on considerably namely the nuclear winter and fallout stuff they have publicly recanted more or less to very little fanfare 

oh and ill go more into space later but i just want to briefly mention that growing up i was told that venus was not just uninhabitable but unexplorable, due not just to extremely high temperatures but due to its literal either hydrocholoric but more likely sulphuric acid atmosphere, come to find out russia during the space race, was sending ALL their shit to venus, and the only known images from venuses service come from several russian missions to venus... WHY? the narrative is america had set its sites on mars because they thought it might be habitable someday, and it makes sense, seeing as how its not coated by a thick atmosphere of fucking eight hundred degree sulfuric acid, what were they hoping to accomplish and it cant be a propaganda moral victory or else they would not have kept their achievement a secret. let me make it clear i was learning this information from someone much more knowledgeable about the topic than me as i never gave a shit about space it always seemed gay to me, but i would try because i considered myself a science nerd you know, but this guy believes in all of it, everything nasa says probably wants to work for them some day, point is this was not a conspiracy channel or video just someone relating the cool declassified images from “venus”. and he was conveying that these missions greatly challenged preconceived notions about the planet itself, and thats really what im getting at with this shit.  as a species we seemed to be advancing slowly at first but then we started accellerating and faster and faster, fire copper bronze iron steel steam electricity automobile, and then manned flight, the first manned controlled flight with a biplane, then just fifty years later, jets helicopters and most amazingly of all, space flight, we finally left our planet, and in the same way that fire revolutionized the life of the common man, and so to did jet engines revolutionize life for the common man in its commercial applications imagine how much more radically manned space flights to other celestial bodies will have changed life for the common man! except beyond what technology is supposedly only possible with the use of satellites in outer space, it hasnt really effected shit. there is as much time passed between now and the so called moon landing as there was time between the wright brothers first manned flight with their paper mache looking trash to the supposed first manned flight to the moon, do you see what im getting at? the same for the so called nuclear age, everyone and i mean EVERYONE has the sense that we have been moving backwards since about the time all these wild and revolutionary things were invented, things that seemed like magic, and then its like they were forgotten. i understand that we couldnt remain in a space craze or nuclear craze forever but even if the public moves on industery doesnt, and if a tool has a practical use than it will be adopted for its practicallity not its popularity but its as though knowledge of space exploration tech and nuclear tech were forgotten, for as much good as they do the common man. the craze is the invention, the actual invention a fabrication.

how has it been so long since anyone was even afraid of nuclear war the way they were during the cuban missile crisis, and how could such an incident happen when M.A.D. which is the sole reason that for ONE HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS no other country has used the nuke besides the first and last time on japan. i know the premise of the crisis but its a shakey premise because while cuba had missiles in striking distance of the US we had missiles in striking distance to them and our allies had missiles pointed at their allies over sees so you know... mutually assured destruction? i dont think they could MAKE americans actually afraid of nuclear war at this point and they dont even try hard, i know they try but they wont commit because even they can tell its just poinless. if nukes were at all real, btw, that would literally be all anyone was talking about twenty four seven 365, because we are currently on the “verge of world war three” but in reality no one is sweating it because deep down you just kind of know dont you and im already over explaining.

[yellowocaballero]

⭐

God I really want to do Attempted Assassinations because that is one of my favorite things that I’ve written but that one is so straightforward I don’t even need to talk about it. Seriously, if you haven’t read it, go read it, cowboy Daisy -

Anyway, let’s talk like the most obscure thing I’ve ever done, Theatre of the Absurd. This story was written while I was like five episodes deep and it’s very obvious I’m still figuring out the characters (god WHY did I call Michael “The Distortion” Michael Mike, that’s so confusing but I refuse to fix it), but it is clearly is the originator of everything I explore later on: fucking with genre, the meaning of fiction and in viewing our lives through a fictional lens, workplace horror, amnesia, and Jon being a brave coward. 

Jobs weren’t lives. They were just things you did so you can have a life. Jon enjoyed travelling long distances, making occasional weekend trips to Scotland and enjoying the moors. He often went on road trips with Sasha and Tim, staying in Air BnBs and finding the worst ale Scotland had to offer. They even went to Wales one time, although that place was a pit. He wanted to save up enough for Paris. He had a life that he refused to sacrifice to capitalism.

But what was the point, really? He worked eight hours a day so he could drink away the memory of the day for two hours. Then he stumbled home, tidied up the flat, fucked around on the internet, and passed out asleep. Living to work so you can eat so you can live…

Nope. Nope. Jon’s mind drifted away from the topic, almost stubbornly. What was the point in being sad? What was the point of thinking about this? Jon was living for tomorrow from now on. He was going to be happy, all the time, because if he felt sad and angry and impotent for  one more second he was going to kill himself. Although he didn’t quite remember what had been making him angry. Martin…? Yes, likely Martin.

Life wasn’t worth living if it was going to be spent in misery. Nonexistence, nonfeeling, was far preferable to sadness. Sometimes Jon felt as if he stood too tall, as if he was just too much, and he had to take a hatchet to himself just to fit in the small box he was given, leaking bloody pieces everywhere...but wasn’t that safer? And hadn’t Jon always just wanted to be safe?

I forget if I’ve mentioned this, I really feel as if I have, but important context for TotA is that I had just started a 9-5 job and I was terrified. I considered copy/pasting Michael’s “The Reason You Suck” speech, but this passage is a little subtler. The message is the same: the one fear that the series never really gets into is an existential dread, terrified that the rest of your life will always just be this dull monotony, and that you will always languish in mediocrity and never have anything meaningful in your life. When you aren’t seeing a partner, kids, money in your future...when all of your friends are getting married and you’re sprinting just to stand still...when you feel stuck...

Isn’t it kind of interesting, that these dead-end jobs where you feel trapped in a meaningless present moment, is the topic of one of the most popular AUs on AO3? What does it mean, that we’re terrified of that monotony, but we romanticize it? The entire fic I’m constantly dropping little digs at cottagecore - and to be clear that’s absolutely nothing wrong with liking it, it just confuses me - about how all of the characters are now living wacky, fun, idyllic little lives. But they’re empty and meaningless. They operate under the basic assumption that if our lives were a little simpler, a little less cluttered and busy, then we’d be happier. We’d be capable of love. But I find that when my life is simpler, it just leaves me alone with my thoughts. To put it in another way:

“I don’t care,” Jon said. It was as if the words were being said by somebody else, as if this decision was not Jon’s own, and so he had no responsibility for it. “I don’t care about the fucking trap door, Martin. I don’t care that we’re trapped here. If we’re happy here, so - so what? What was good about your previous life, Martin? What’s so wrong with being here? With me?”

Martin’s eyes were round, and his breath seemed to pick up. Jon reached out again, and this time he really did grab Martin’s hands. They were clammy, and sweaty.

“I’m sick of getting in the way of my own happiness,” Jon said. “Maybe this - this is a blessing. Maybe this is a good thing. What’s for you at the Institute, Martin? Corkscrews and worms? You can have this instead. We can have us. Just - just forget the trap door. Close the door, Martin. Stay here. I think we can have a future here. Maybe together.”

“Listen to him, Martin,” Tim said. “He can love you here. He’ll never love you at the Institute. You know that, right? He’s too fucked up. This Jon, the Jon right here, is a Jon who can love you back.”

“The Institute was turning Jon into a lunatic,” Sasha said. Her voice was low, slow and almost hypnotic. “You saw him. He wasn’t eating, sleeping, or thinking rationally. He was growing cruel and strange. You were worried about him. Forcing him back into that life would be the worst thing you can do for him. Don’t you like taking care of people, Martin? Don’t you want to take care of Jon? This place is the best place for him. It can be the best place for you too.”

“Martin, I can love you here,” Jon found himself saying. “I can’t love you in real life.”

The promise of the coffee shop AU, of any fiction, is that is is someplace where love can happen. Maybe our lives can’t be meaningful in reality, but they can be meaningful in fiction. Maybe who we are, in reality, is damaged and wrong and bad and incapable of happiness...and if things were just a little different, if our lives were just a little easier, we could be happy. 

In the first passage, Jon is basically saying, “I am scared of unhappiness. I would rather experience nothingness than the realistic mix of happiness and sadness that naturally accompanies life.” The prospect of a meaningless life is terrifying, so he just doesn’t think about it. He runs away. In the second passage, Brainwashed!Jon promises Martin that there is a world and circumstances and specific events where maybe Jon could like Martin back. Not in any other circumstances - Jon’s too fucked up for that. 

Of course that’s not true. As we see now, Jon and Martin work best when they’ve seen each other at their worst and when they support each other to climb out of that terrifying pit. Their relationship can survive anything. Jon doesn’t know it, but he’s a brave, good, heroic person. In the text, Elias is looking for someone who will swallow his lies and take the easy route, and he’s using this...whatever it is as a way of testing Jon. Jon “passed” with flying colors. But maybe a weakness of this story is that the reason why things are happening isn’t the point. 

I think at the end of the day, we are all scared of unhappiness. It is almost intolerable. Humans don’t like to be in pain. I used to do anything to avoid feeling unhappy. At certain points in my life, I was constantly relying on the numbing agent so I would feel nothing and think nothing instead of feeling unhappy. I had never really been safe in my life, and I was willing to do anything just for that false sense of safety. It was evasive and not healthy. I’m really trying to get over that - these days I’ve decided that if I can’t control the bad things that happen, I can control myself, and I can rely on my support network to help me deal with things as they happen instead of running away. I am constantly exploring themes of escapism within my works, and that’s because escapism is always the first coping mechanism I turn to and I desperately want to know why. I was trying to work through these feelings, so I just wrote ‘em out and slapped Jon’s name on them. Enjoy! Thanks for the question!

[sistersin7]

"This Love", and any and all questions you might want to answer about it! If it's all of them, I won't say no!! (*grabby hands*)

Well... I better start answering, now...

Thank you for asking, @purlturtle. You truly are a lovely human. I hope this sates some of the curiosity, makes sense and doesn't ruin anything...

What inspired you to write the fic this way? >> How does one interpret "this way"?... I'll take it as the timeline - starting with present day, then telling the story of the past year, and ending it 3 years after. The answer - because I'm a manipulative asshole *g*. I wanted the readers to get hooked on the steamy dynamic and keep reading, knowing full well the story is a different kettle of fish. So... Sorry? Not sorry?... (a beta reader suggested, btw, that I started differently, because the start of it felt voyeuristic. While I agree with the observation, I guess I liked that 0 to 100mph start...)

2: What scene did you first put down? >> I honestly don't remember... I started writing it aaages ago... but I suspect it was something smutty. I usually start with affection and smut with intent, then build around it.

3: What’s your favorite line of narration? >> "[...] there was at least one day every week that Helena was Myka's and Myka was Helena's, and there was nothing wrong about it at all. It was so absolutely, fucking *right*".

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue? >> "I applaud your courage, dear wife, for making a bid for a happiness I can only dream of."

5: What part was hardest to write? >> Chapter 12, when Myka tells Claudia (that's the scathing dialogue I was having with myself in my head, and it was hard to commit it to paper, knowing others will read it), and Chapter 18, when Myka and Helena negotiate (it forced me to think of a desired outcome, which I wasn't ready for).

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics? >> In most fics I write, I'm conducting some kind of thought experiment to help me articulate something. This one... the experiment was very real, and very close to home.

7: Where did the title come from? >> I'm one of those saddos who titles fics with song titles and lyrics... This Love is a Rachel Sermanni song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x367iSdHpx8&list=OLAK5uy_mnNTkuyCcRz1rEYvnytG5h2j2he2QMplc&index=10

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it? >> Yes. While being personal, it's not autobiographical. I've found myself in a situation not dissimilar to that of Myka's at the beginning of the story. The thought experiment was 'when reaching a stalemate in a committed, romantic relationship, what solutions were there, that are not the two extremes [e.g. end the relationship, or ignore my needs]. Was the experiment successful? Yes.

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic? >> No. And, compared to most of my fics, this has a relatively small "bin" as well. (The "bin" is a bit at the end of the word doc where I paste all the bits I cut out, because I'm a digital hoarder and I can't let go of things I've crafted, 'just in case'... ;) )

10: Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story? >> Because I'm a manipulative asshole (still) *g*... I wanted myself and the readers to root for the pairing, even though the setting is unusual and taboo, even.

11: What do you like best about this fic? >> The rawness of it, and also, (controversial, but...) the ending. (To all those who read and commented about the lack of "Hollywood Ending", I hear you. We may be cooking up something for you lot. :) )

12: What do you like least about this fic? >> There are choices I've made with words and scenes that I am more judgey of, these days. As a whole, even though I sound entirely full of myself, there's nothing big I dislike about it. It's not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. I feel like I've done the best I could with it.

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading? >> Crikey... I can't recall the details... not only did I write it a long time ago, I spent a good two years writing it, and that usually means a lot of music... I think Rachel Sermanni was on my playlist a lot during that time.

Here's her first album, Under Mountains: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2dLRXR1zwI&list=OLAK5uy_nUd-1DklbMo5hgGc7YE_E0EhPql_vFKao

Here's her second: Tied to the Moon (This Love closes this one): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHE41yXwWxs&list=OLAK5uy_mnNTkuyCcRz1rEYvnytG5h2j2he2QMplc

14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic? >> Not something specific. I wanted to take readers on the journey I was going through, and come to their own conclusions (and, if they fancied, to share them). I was hoping we would ask ourselves what we assume about being in a romantic relationship, to ask ourselves about the connection between love and sex, about what happens when there is a lot of one but not enough of the other, and the different perspectives we have within and around us.

15: What did you learn from writing this fic? >> That there are many options in between breaking a relationship up and ignoring our individual needs. That depression is hard. That talking about sex, relationships, fidelity is hard, but - ultimately - worth it.

I hope this made sense.

I hope it didn't ruin anything for you.

I also want to thank all the folks who've read and commented (or read and didn't comment), who came on the journey and made something of it.

I'm not done with the experiment, by the way, so if any of you wish to continue talking through it - ping me (here, or on discord).

Thank you for reading. <3

[hms-no-fun]

which character in godfeels (if any) do you see yourself in the most?

i mean. it's obviously june, right? i can't joke about or entertain anything else, much as the contrarian in me might like to. "actually you'll be surprised to learn that i am most reflected in my work by dave strider" seriously? no way. it's june.

june in godfeels 1 was me at the end of a long stretch of depressed years before i figured out i was trans. in gf2 she was me after my own coming out went poorly (albeit far less violently or explicitly transphobic than june’s). there are so many ways in which this story is autobiographical, it would honestly be embarrassing to list them all.

actually i don't think i quite understood just how much the overarching plot of godfeels has pulled from my life until writing this particular exchange:

that the writing process for the multi-stage boss battle ending in june's ego death happened to coincide with a catastrophic series of events in my own life is just one of those funny cosmic mysteries you gotta run with. it's impossible for me to deny the autobiographic element of this scene as i was literally saying this to myself, to my girlfriend, to my friends: this is not where our lives end. we're going to stay together.

the barrier between me and the narrative at that point was so narrow i couldn't help but look through it and see that june has always been way more of me than i realized. she is, maybe, someone i wish i could be in a strange way, or an imagined projection of who i am, with all the wounds i wish other people could see made literal. maybe she's an allegory for me, idk. i promise you i don't actually see her that way, none of this is anything i'm doing on purpose, it's just something that has proven true over and over again. june's story is about being punished by and for queerness, so naturally i'm gonna be drawing from my own experiences there.

i have a weird relationship to june, though. sometimes i feel like i don't understand her, which is probably for the best. that's what i like about her actually. writing her scenes in the [S], it felt SO good to finally be able to write in her blue again, in her quirk again, in her VOICE again. everything about that is so precious to me and writing it feels like i'm having a pleasant conversation with myself (even when the topic of the conversation is crippling ptsd flashbacks).

i often feel bad for making june suffer so much, especially at the end of 3.1. but as time has gone on, as much as i love her, i’ve found it increasingly difficult to relate to june’s methods of dealing with trauma (or rather, her lack of methods). the last year has knocked a lot of tears out of me, and as a result i’ve become even more calloused than i already was. june needed to be put through a real ringer, the aforementioned ego death, in part because i want to be done with all this fucking psychodrama for a while, but mostly because i want to move on from pained self-reflection towards a story about building a life back up from the rubble. stepping outside your own head, finding a community, building one, and really truly moving in a singular direction for reasons that are your own for maybe the first time in your life. that’s the story i’m living, after all. maybe it’s the story we’re all living these days.

so i guess that in itself is the ultimate statement of what june means to me, that i needed her life to mirror my own so that i could continue relating to her and telling her story. i see bits of myself in a lot of other characters (writing as dave is a lot of fun, we have a very similar sense of humor), but they’re separate from me in a way that june isn’t. when i write her, it’s like coming back home. i want her to grow and live and love and find something good that lasts, because i want that for myself. i have to believe it’s possible. i know it is.

[bluewinnerangel]

Loved the way you went through walls the album and i also agree with how you look at their music. Many of the songs are about industry and closeting and how theyve navigated things both as individuals and together. Through the band and outside of it in their solo careers.

What are your general thoughts about the singles not on the album (just basic thoughts like you did for the songs on the album). I mean the following songs: Back to You, Just Like You, Just Hold On and Miss You.

Also would love a runthrough of Harry's albums/singles in a similar manner whenever you can do one.

Anyways i always love your posts and the way you look at things.

Thank you!! Euuhhh this isn't going to be very impressive. With these 4 he had a different viewpoint / goal in mind when making them as compared to creating Walls. Maybe it's a bit unfair to put all 4 in the same category but I think when he started as a solo artist, coming out of 1D where every high is a high high, he aimed to get that next big hit, and that in between these and Walls that focus shifted. I don't know why I'm explaining this he said it better himself. So then the question becomes if these songs hold the same value in terms of honesty, as he really emphasized how he oh so went for that for Walls, which makes me think perhaps he hadn't so much before. Anyway this is what I think these songs are about:

Just Hold On - That music video man. Gayvinci bluegreener mess. Anyway the lyrics scream I was in a boyband and now I'm going solo to me, and, hm, egh, uh, iiee, thinking of getting that next boppy hit to reintroduce yourself to the public that's a smort way to go? But then on the other hand I totally want to take this entire song quite literal: darling just hold on, things are weird right now wtf was 2015 wtf is 2016 but we're going to make it through and find that new chapter in our life that's going to be better.

Back To You - the fucking music industry is fucked up man but i still really wanna make and release music

Just Like You - Ok so this one compared to the others maybe deserves his own category. This one really looks like he poured his shit into, with more personal touches as compared to the other ones in this list. And I do think these lyrics are sincere, I'm just a human with feelings none of that is a trick lol but I also think that hiLGBTQcommunityhihowareyoutodaydidyousleepwellyesahgreat is totally between the lines there as well. that's a light way to say it does feel like a cry from the closet And even if it isn't in the lyrics he sure made it so when he released it on national coming out day.

Miss You - Wow party! Whuuww!!! There are very little personal details in it which makes me think it's just a concept, a story. I mean it's personal in the sense that it fits his narrative amazingly, like party boy louis partying wow but wait there's more he had to realise he had lost the love of his life! ELEANORRRRR!!!! But it could go either way and it's pretty shit to go "that other song that fits my idea of him is real, this one that doesn't is a story" but like Miss You does feel like that "half of the story" you do hear which Just Like You describes is not him, doesn't it? It just sounds like an attempt at a bop to me (which still doesn't mean it can't be autobiographical as well). I can very much appreciate all the "pretend" and "lying" and "faking" and those kinda lil themes in there tho like hmm are you trying to hint at something there hmm. But like I said maybe I'm not being fair here and it is autobiographical and they did split up and this is his very public cry that he misses STsYLE whooooooknows.

(Related: the post doing the same but with the Walls album)

[tilbageidanmark]

Movies I watched this week - 44

4 films about Underground Comix With Bakshi, Crumb & Harvey Pekar:

✳️✳️✳️ First watch: Ralph Bakshi’s adult animation American Pop from 1981. A uniquely wild story about four generations of Russian Jews, spanning nearly 100 years of pop music. It started extremely well, and had great style, originality and score, but eventually lost focus and clarity. 7+/10.

I never realized that Bakshi was born at the very same hospital as me, exactly 15 years earlier!

✳️✳️✳️ Bakshi and R. Crumb’s trippy and horny, Fritz The Cat. He’d “been up and down the four corners of this big old world, seen it all and done it all. He fought many a good man and laid many a good woman”. X-rated and politically-radical all the way.

The last hospital orgy scene and lovely final credits. 8/10.

✳️✳️✳️ Crumb, Terry Zwigoff’s fantastic bio of his weirdo friend and fellow musician R. Crumb. A moving documentary about a tortured family of 3 disturbed brothers, hyper-sexual, perverted, compulsive masturbators with unhealthy sibling rivalry and deep mental issues. Crumb who sounds exactly like Napoleon Dynamite, came out OK, while the film was dedicated to his brother Charles, who killed himself before the premiere.

10/10.

✳️✳️✳️ American Splendor, the least successful of these four, with Paul Giamatti as Harvey Pekar, a pathetic and unhappy file clerk, who somehow managed to turn his miserable life into a series of adult comix.

✴️

Tehran Taboo - Never heard of it before, and the most unexpected outrage of the week!

First of all, it’s a beautiful rotoscoped adult animation. But it’s a dark story of sex, drugs and Islamic law in today’s repressive and miserable Iran. The first scene is of a prostitute who must give a blowjob to a taxi driver, while her 5 year old mute boy is in the back seat. And it only gets grimmer from there. Still, this hard-to-watch film is sensitive, mature and nuanced.

Start with this trailer. 8+/10

✴️

3 with Irène Jakob:

✳️✳️✳️ Red, the final of Krzysztof Kieślowski’s Three Color trilogy, the “only film to receive perfect ratings on both Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic”. An unlikely friendship between beautiful, young model and a retired judge who eavesdrops on his neighbors’ telephone conversations. Subtle and elegant. (Photo Above).

(Link is a private Danish Library copy)

✳️✳️✳️ Previous Kieślowski lyrical film, The Double Life of Véronique - Pure cinema, a joy to all the senses. A series of beautiful coincidences, beautifully told. Two green-eyed babies born on the same day in one in France and one in Poland, and they both grew up to be gorgeous Irène Jakob. Sensual and mysterious. 8/10.

✳️✳️✳️ Louis Malle’s perfect autobiographical film Au Revoir les Enfants about destroyed innocence and broken friendship. 10/10

(I noticed that many of the movies I now love the most are these I saw and loved years ago)…

✴️

2 by Henri-Georges Clouzot:

✳️✳️✳️ Clouzot’s twisty Les Diaboliques, a Hitchcockian thriller-noir that also takes place in a French boarding school. Hitchcock himself missed out on purchasing the rights to the novel on which it was based by just a few hours, Clouzot getting to the authors first. I can imagine how Hitch’ would have made it differently.

✳️✳️✳️ Would you like to watch Picasso create his art LIVE as if he wore a GoPro? Well, you’re in luck, because in 1956 his friend Clouzot filmed him drawing two dozen paintings in The Mystery of Picasso. It looks as if the art is being materialized by itself on white canvases as if by magic. The paintings were subsequently destroyed so that they would only exist on film.

The whole film is magical - Best film of the week!

✴️

Gus Van Sant’s chilling Elephant, about the last few hours before a Columbine High School killing. More horrifying than “horror”, because it documents quiet and mundane interactions of the teenagers, when the spectator knows what to come.

What an anti-social, fucked up country the US is. 9/10.

✴️

David Mamet’s clever directorial debut House of Games about the art of the con, starts, literally, with a Chekhov’s gun presented during the first 10 minutes. There was a time when Joe Mantegna was the cat’s meow. With Ricky Jay & young William H. Macy.

“..I’m from the United States of kiss-my-ass…” Re-watch.

✴️

Key Largo, John Houston’s mediocre crime-gangster drama, with Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall.

(I only watched it because of this John Green little nugget about ‘Enough’, from Metafilter…)

✴️

2 by Spike Lee:

✳️✳️✳️ Spike’s ‘Apocalypse Now’ Vietnam epic, Da 5 Bloods. War drama mixed with Black history anger. A bloody mess. Raw performance by Delroy Lindo. 5/10.

✳️✳️✳️ Bamboozled, his outdated version of ‘The Producers’ from 2000. Also, Howard Beale did it better in ‘Network’. Messy Cliche City “satire”. 2/10

✴️

“Aline”, an animated music video directed by Wes Anderson as part of The French Dispatch, illustrated by Javi Aznarez.

✴️

Branded to Kill, a 1967 Japanese Yakuza B-feature, the one that got Seijun Suzuki fired and blacklisted for making “movies that make no sense and no money”. Incoherent and absurdist avant-garde piece. I, for one, didn’t get it.

✴️

Annihilation, an inferior Black Mirror copy with an all female crew (and Benedict Wong!). I hate such stupid pseudo science made-up premises experiments! This is the 4th of Alex Garland films I’ve seen, and none of them did anything for me. 1/10

✴️

Disaster-porn film Worth about the guy who was Special Master of the September 11th Victim Compensation Fund. Attempting to recreate the successful formula of ‘Spotlight’, it even stars Stanley Tucci in the same role, and Michael Keaton with a weird accent in a similar place. But it ends up as a formulatic melodrama. 2/10

✴️

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, a waste of Keira Knightley and a big waste of a good apocalypse. 1/10

✴️

All Nighter, a 2017 comedy with JK Simmons, which is the only reason I watched it, and the only worthwhile part of it. 2/10

- - - - -

(My complete movie list is here)

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

TAYLOR MOMSEN OF THE PRETTY RECKLESS ON HER BATTLE CRY FOR LIFE, “DEATH BY ROCK AND ROLL,” OVERCOMING TRAGEDY, AND HEALING THROUGH MUSIC

“Without this album, I don’t know where I would be right now, I don’t know if I would still be around. I was that low.” Death, tragedy, substance abuse – in the 4 years since her last album for The Pretty Reckless, to say Taylor Momsen has been through a lot would be an understatement. After the passing of her long time friend and collaborator, Soundgarden’s Chris Cornell, who tragically died while touring with the band, followed by the death of their producer Kato Khandwala, her album “Death By Rock and Roll” essentially became a lifeline for her, pulling her out of a deep depression, where she had lost all hope or desire to live. She was brought back by listening to her favorite heroes including The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, and The Who, while songwriting her way back to life. What has been borne out of her darkness is an incredibly mature sound, a more sophisticated look, and soulful personal awakening that has skyrocketed the album’s title track “Death By Rock and Roll” to No 1 on the radio charts. The full album was released on February 14th, hitting No 1 on iTunes in the United States, UK, Australia, Canada, and more.

The Pretty Reckless was never the average rock band by any means. Since forming in 2008 they have had the distinction of being the first female-fronted band to have back-to-back No. 1 singles at the active rock format and the first female-fronted act to have five No. 1 singles on the Billboard chart. Momsen’s last album “Going to Hell” released in 2016 crashed the Top 5 of the Billboard Top 200, including three No. 1 hits – a feat that had not been accomplished by a female-fronted group since The Pretenders in 1984. With over half-a-billion streams, The Pretty Reckless have headlined countless sold-out shows and toured with the likes of Guns N’ Roses. “Death By Rock and Roll” marks a new era for the band, as they continue to propel themselves forward despite the pandemic or any other obstacle that may have been in their way. “I think anytime you go through loss and trauma, and one hit after the other, when life is just feeling like it’s beating you down… it forces you to grow up whether you want to or not.” Momsen was “reborn” wiser and stronger, with the music literally “pouring” out of her, “I think that this album is really, in my humble opinion, the best album we’ve ever made because it was created from such a raw and vulnerable, honest place that you can’t manufacture…”

The Untitled Magazine’s Indira Cesarine caught up with The Pretty Reckless’s frontwoman Taylor Momsen for an in-depth exclusive about her personal journey from darkness and tragedy to healing through music, how she navigated making a new album and music videos amidst the pandemic, as well as what has inspired her latest tracks, new look, and fiery, raw new direction.

I love the title of your new album “Death by Rock and Roll,” what was the inspiration behind it?

“Death by Rock and Roll“ started out as a phrase that Kato, our producer who passed and who was my best friend in the world, used to say all the time. It was kind of an ethic that we lived our life by, back in 2008 when we formed the band. It was this code of “Death by Rock and Roll” which was not morbid at all – it came from a place of “ live life your own way, go out your own way, don’t let anyone tell you differently – rock and roll till I die..”. So it’s very much like a battle cry for life. And when he passed that phrase just kept ringing in my head and I couldn’t get it out. It just made a lot of sense. It was the start of this album. I can say this is probably the first album that I had titled before I had actually written all of the material for it.

I understand you had back-to-back tragedies in your life between Chris Cornell and your producer Kato Khandwala both passing, did those experiences impact the writing on the album?

100%. Not to immediately get very heavy, but there is no way to speak about this record without talking about it. We were on tour with Soundgarden which was just the most amazing experience of my life. I’m the biggest Soundgarden fan in the world so to be opening for them and to be on that tour was absolutely incredible and then to have it end so tragically – a shock is an understatement. We were all just devastated. We were still in the middle of touring at the time, we were promoting our last record and we had another year of touring planned. We played a few shows after that but I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t in a good headspace to be public – I couldn’t get on stage every night and fake my way through a show when I was dealing with my own personal grief. So I took a step back and I canceled everything. I needed to go home to process this in my own time and not in front of the entire world. So we did that and left touring – which was not the best business decision but it was something that I really needed to do. Chris’s passing really affected all of us deeply. Soundgarden was one of the reasons we all bonded in the first place over 10 years ago. It was The Beatles and Soundgarden – so we were all going through it together. I started to write again and I was calling them [the band] and I was saying we need to move forward, let’s get in the studio – I have a few songs I don’t know what they are for, I don’t know if it’s for a record or an EP or just maybe nothing but let’s start doing something.

As soon as we started to put those plans in motion I got the phone call that Kato had died in a motorcycle accident and that was just the fucking nail in the coffin for me. I couldn’t process it. I went extraordinarily downhill very quickly into this dark headspace of just depression and substance abuse and everything that comes along with loss and grief and trauma. I didn’t really know how to get out of it. I think the bigger thing is that I didn’t know if I wanted to. I had kind of thrown my hands up into the air and was like “I quit life”. I felt like “everything I love is dead, I don’t see a future here” and that’s a really dangerous headspace to be in. To make a very long story short it took months and months and months for me to wrap my head around it and I still don’t think I have my head wrapped around it fully, but I finally got to a place where I needed music. I had shunned music for a while just because everything I listened to – no matter what the band or what the artist was – brought back some sort of memory that I wasn’t equipped to deal with –  it all brought back some sort of emotion which was just too painful.

I finally hit, I don’t want to say a rock bottom, but one of the bottoms. I needed music again so I started by listening to what made me love music in the first place – the simple answer was The Beatles. I started by listening to the Beatles again and basically started from the beginning to rebuild my love of music from scratch, from the start. I started by listening to all the Beatles records from front to back and delving into all the demos and then the anthology and from that, it turned into Led Zeppelin and The Who and Pink Floyd and eventually leading to me being able to listen to Soundgarden again and have it bring me some joy instead of just painful memories. That was the turning point for me. I eventually started to pick up a guitar.

This record is very different from our previous albums in the sense that I didn’t have to try to write it. It just poured out of me whether I wanted it to or not. It was like I opened the floodgates and this record was just born. Normally when you go to write a record or write anything you have to search for inspiration. It’s a very tortuous process – not knowing if it’s going to come or not. In this case, inspiration had been pounding me in the face and I had just been ignoring it and repressing it. So when I finally opened the floodgates it was like a dam being broken. That was really the start of the healing process where I just allowed it to flow. I wasn’t writing with any purpose, like thinking anyone would hear it, or even thinking far enough that we would even record these songs. It was just something I needed to do for my own catharsis and my own healing process. That was the start of getting my shit together or at least attempting to. So as cliché as it might sound, this music is my life. Without this album I don’t know where I would be right now, I don’t know if I would still be around. I was that low. So it really does prove the point that music saves – and it has healing power, unlike any other art form, in my opinion. I think that this album is really, in my humble opinion, the best album we’ve ever made because it was created from such a raw and vulnerable, honest place that you can’t manufacture and can’t duplicate.

So what was the first song that came out of you as you were working on it? Was it 25? What was the first track that got you rolling?

“25” was one of the first ones. It was kinda a combination. “Death by Rock and Roll” the song was something we had been working on and started writing 10 years ago but never finished. That was something we revisited early on. Finishing the lyrics and finishing writing that. But 25 was certainly the first song that I had really completed. I wrote the song when I was 24 and we recorded it right after I turned 25. It was the first song recorded for the record. That was a moment where I was in a very reflective state. It’s a very autobiographical song in a lot of ways. Just me looking back on my life. I think everyone does when they have a birthday coming up! And going through my life, where I’m at now. Even though it was written from a dark place it’s actually quite a hopeful song. It tells my life story in a metaphorical way. When I finished it, I took a step back and I looked at it and I went, I think that this might be really good, I think I might have just gotten way better. I think I might have taken a step forward in my writing. That was the start that spearheaded the rest of the record. “Death by Rock and Roll” and “25” are the two that we really started with.

Having been to your previous performances and familiar with your prior music, “25” seems like a far more mature song in many ways. It definitely seems like you’re coming from a place that’s, I don’t want to use the word “grown-up,” but it comes from a far more sophisticated point of view. And with the music video, I feel like you pushed your work in a more sophisticated direction than you have in the past. It definitely seems like a turning point for you, that song.

Thank you, and I think it certainly was. That came from just all the shit we went through, I think anytime you go through loss and trauma, and one hit after the other, when life is just feeling like it’s beating you down – that eventually your not living in a child’s mindset anymore. It forces you to grow up whether you want to or not. I feel like I grew. I aged quite a few years in a very short period of time, I guess if you want to put it that way. Cause you know when you’re confronted with death and things like that are so heavy and so real, there is no avoiding them even if you as much as you may try. It ages you. It’s just a part of life. I grew up exponentially. I don’t want to say quickly – you know I started at 24 and I’m now 27 – so it took a while, but in one way it feels like it was overnight. I think that is a huge part of that, just a lot of growth that happened in my own life very quickly that just made me start seeing things from a wiser, more grown-up perspective.

I would have to say considering you started working at the age of 2, you probably already have a more experienced view of the world than the average person. The average kid does not start working as a model and actor at 2 years old or go through the things that you went through at such a young age. If age were the sort of thing we could quantify based on experience and wisdom you probably are much older than your years.

I hear that a lot, it’s something people have told me throughout my life, “you’re so much older than your age.” I always take that with a grain of salt. Yeah, I’ve lived a very strange life. It’s not exactly average, and all of those experiences lead to who I am now. It’s all a combination of growth. I only know me so to compare myself with someone else in retrospect, it’s like well am I older or am I younger? Somedays I feel like I’m 107 and somedays I feel like I’m a 2-year-old child again. It kind of depends on the day. I never really know what I’m doing. I’m just kind of living and trying to constantly grow as a person and grow as an artist and just better everything that I do. If the last thing was great the next thing has to be better. If we were on tour and we had a great show the night before the next shows got to be better! We have to keep moving forward. I think as soon as you start to feel stagnant or you come to a conclusion that this is the best I can be, that is the death of an artist. You always have to be thinking ahead and thinking forward. As soon as you’re comfortable I feel like that’s the death of art right there.

Yeah art often comes from angst.

Yes, art comes from everywhere! Look at any artist and any sort of pain or trauma. It doesn’t always have to be negative. Positive things that have happened in one’s life, that all is a part of who you are and you have to indulge all sides of that. You have to draw from all aspects of life and sometimes that means going to the darker sides of life, subject matters that are uncomfortable to talk about. If you limit yourself in any way, like I’m just going to write about this side of things or that side of things, then you’re stunting yourself. And that’s never a good thing. You really have to be an open book which is sometimes difficult.

What is your process for writing songs, do you do it in solitude or do you work with the band while you’re writing?

There is no process! Believe me, I wish there was, it would make it a lot simpler. The only kind of constant is that Ben and I are the two songwriters of the band and we write separately but we always come together at the end. The only thing that is consistent is that it starts with an idea, and that has to be an inspired idea. It can’t be something that’s manufactured. I could sit down and craft you a song, but that’s not the kinda art that I want to put out into the world. I’m trying to make something that’s going to last a lifetime, an eternity, not something that’s just going to be a fleeting moment. That can be a struggle sometimes especially now we’re living in such a fast-paced world. Something comes out and people have already moved on before it’s been released. It’s a very A to Z society especially with social media and the way music is put out now. It’s very single-based. Call it old school if you want, I still very much love the album. To me, the album is the highest art form. An album encapsulates a moment in an artist’s life. Sometimes it’s a long moment, sometimes it’s a short one, but it encapsulates a time period. Cherry-picking songs and singles have always been a challenge for me because it doesn’t tell the whole story. You really have to listen to the whole album from front to back to get the whole picture. I can’t write with people. There’s a lot of people who do writing sessions where you sit in a room with lots of people and brainstorm ideas. That has never made sense to me. It takes isolation for me. It takes time with your own thoughts. Sometimes the song can come in 5 minutes and that’s amazing when that happens. Sometimes you spend months or years working on something. So there is no process. The only constant is that it’s me and Ben and we have a really symbiotic relationship that just works and that’s just a very lucky and fortunate thing where we’re always in sync with each other.

You can definitely tell that when the two of you are together. You don’t even need to speak, you can tell there is a sort of unspoken communication.

We definitely have that going on, and Kato was a part of that. He never wrote the songs, but he was a part of that kind of symbiotic relationship. When the band formed, I met Ben and Kato at the same time. When the three of us met it was just this kismet relationship that none of us were expecting. You meet a lot of people in life and none of us were expecting to all just click in this weird way. We felt like we had all known each other forever. In past lives, in future lives, like ‘I’ve known you my whole life’ and were just meeting. That’s something that is just so lucky. It was a very weird thing to lose him. It felt like losing a piece of myself because we were all so close. There wouldn’t be a Pretty Reckless if I had never met Kato. I met Mark and Jamie shortly after I met Ben and Kato, but he was essentially the fifth member of the band he just didn’t tour with us.

Let’s talk about your track “And So It Went,” which I understand is about the state of civil unrest. Tell me about the inspiration for the song as well as the video where you are wearing that awesome pink suit?

It’s kind of crazy looking back at it now. The song was written and recorded way before the pandemic, so it’s insane to me how relevant some of those lyrics are in particular to what’s going on in the world right now. I think that’s something that happens a lot in art.  Does life imitate art? Does art imitate life? I think it’s probably a combination of both. That song came about a few years back when I was feeling like the world was starting to feel a little off. You could just kind of feel that tug where civil unrest was starting and the world was kinda starting to go crazy. So then I wrote about it. It’s very socially driven, the song itself. I don’t want to get too detailed into it. I don’t like doing that with songs because I think it’s unfair to the listener.  I just think that it takes away an element. I always say the music is mine, it’s like my child and it’s mine. It’s my baby and I raised it and I gave birth to it and all those things. But once you put it out into the world it doesn’t belong to you anymore. It’s like sending a kid off to college or something – you have to say goodbye and you know I hope I did a good job but now it’s up to you. Since the album is just coming out I don’t want my personal take to take the song away from the listener. It doesn’t matter what it’s about to me anymore, it’s about how you relate to it and how you connect to it, and how you associate it with your own life. That’s the pinnacle right there. I think it’s strange to talk about music. It’s not meant to be talked about, it’s meant to be listened to and everything I have to say is within the song itself. I don’t really consider myself a good speaker, I’m a songwriter.

You are a very good speaker!

Thank you, but you know what I mean. Everything I’m thinking and my point of view is the way I see things. It’s all in the song that’s all right there for you to interpret but it’s not my place to preach my point of view at you.

With regards to the video, I noticed that you had these contrasting personalities – the persona in the pink suit with the crown and then the persona of you with the fishnet headgear. What was your inspiration in regards to those choices of styling? I felt like there must be something specific that you were going for?

I’m not entirely sure where all of that came from but I was really specific about it. I don’t know if it came in a dream, but I saw it in my head. Like my songs, I spend a lot of time conceiving them, as well as the videos and picturing what they should be. Then you get on set and you have to shove it all in one day. It’s a lot of prep work of me mentally working out what this video should look like and how it should flow. It’s always kind of a challenge, especially with rock music, to make a video that feels like the song. You don’t want to make something that overshadows the song and you don’t want to make something that’s completely contrasting to it. You want to make a visual representation that accentuates the music and is somehow entertaining but also makes you think and maybe listen to the song again and take it from a different perspective. I was going through and watching tons and tons of videos and was like ok, what are the best videos? it doesn’t matter the time period. I was watching a lot of Madonna and Micheal Jackson and epics like “Thriller”. Videos that were really the turning point in the music video game and how can we attempt to make something that is that visually entertaining and still hold the integrity of the music and really just put rock music back on the map again. It used to be something that was so powerful but that’s kinda dwindled over the years. I wanted to make the rock video something that was relevant again. That’s my goal with all the videos we’ve made and the ones we’re going to continue to make. To make something that holds artistic integrity and also is entertaining at the end of the day. The suit idea came from watching Annie Lennox. Her song actually has a lot of strange structure to it and an outfit that fits that kind of powerful condition that the song conveys. I don’t think I’ve ever worn a suit in my life, and you can’t go wrong with Versace. The video featured a juxtaposition with kids showing innocence and violence at the same time and how you transform over the years as you get older. There are a lot of elements to it.

I have a feeling that a lot of people are going to try to read a lot into it, with the kids with the masks, you and the crown, and your sort of snaky persona. There’s a lot of strong references going on there that definitely could warrant all kinds of interesting storylines.

I rarely read comments so when I do and read someone who’s written a whole exposé on what everything means I’m like, that’s awesome! I love reading people’s interpretations of it, it’s so fun.

Yeah, it’s great to throw it out into the world to be taken in as they will.

Yeah, and make something that’s just fun to watch and goes with the song in the best way possible. I have a lot of different sides to my personality so reflecting that in a video is important. I’m not just one-dimensional. With “25” I was sort of doing the same thing – showing different versions of myself. A woman at a bar telling her story to a ghostly bartender and a woman on a jazz stage singing to this kinda absent and ghostly audience. The rooftop scene is essentially a woman on a rooftop waiting for her lover. In “25,” I really wanted to make New York City the love of the video because I’ve had a love affair with New York since I was a baby. It felt like that was the right thing instead of making it a person.

Are you currently in New York?

No, I’m back in Maine which is good, but it’s fucking cold in February. I miss New York desperately. Even during COVID – just being there a week and a half, even though we were working nonstop – just to feel a little bit of the energy again was like a breath of fresh air. I haven’t left Maine – we made the record here and so I’ve been in Maine for quite a while. I’m a New York girl. That’s where I primarily live but I feel like it made sense to stay in Maine during all of this madness.

Do you have a studio in your house?

I don’t have a studio but I do have a little recording setup that I’ve had to figure out. That was my biggest challenge of COVID was figuring out how to record myself from home because I don’t do that, I’m not an engineer. I write songs, I play the songs, I sing the songs. I am not a recording engineer by any means. I’m very technologically challenged. It was probably the first time I’ve opened a computer in 8 years while figuring out how to do a zoom meeting. Trying to record on the computer, I gave up on that really quickly. It just didn’t feel organic. I didn’t like it so I went back to how I used to record myself when I was young with my battery-packed analog four-track. That’s how I’ve been making all of the songs and recordings that we’ve done during the pandemic – which is probably not the easiest way, but it works for me.

Is the whole band recording at the house in Maine or are you guys separated and coming together to work on stuff, how do you have it set up?

No, we’re all separated. But we are all relatively close. The whole reason I got a house in Maine in the first place was because of the band. Ben and I live in New York but Mark and Jamie live in New England and our rehearsal stage is up here. We were supposed to be going on tour back in the beginning of 2020. After the record cover photoshoot which was back in March, I was coming back up here to rehearse. We were starting rehearsals and the pandemic hit and the lockdown hit. I just got stuck up here and decided to stay. I love Maine. Maine and New York are kind of the perfect juxtaposition of each other because one has such energy and one has such isolation – it’s great for when you just need to get inside your own head. I’m a huge Stephen King fan and it made a lot of sense for him that he had a place where he wrote all his masterpieces. And I have always loved England and have wanted to move to England, so New England is a good first step.

So you came to New York for a week or so and shot all of your videos back to back. How was that experience? Was it incredibly overwhelming to deal with that level of interaction with people and intensity? It must have been one extreme to the other to be in Maine and then to come to New York to work on all those productions.

It was like jumping into the deep end again. It was really fun though. Even though we weren’t playing a show and we were making videos – you know those drums are still real, Jamie’s still hitting the drums. The amp is still plugged in. It was almost a celebration in one way because it was the first time I’d seen the guys in over a year. That alone was just super fun. I’m such a hypochondriac, so the weeks leading up to it I was freaking out a bit about having to be around all those people. We took every safety protocol possible. We had COVID officers on set, with every test possible – 48-hour tests, 24-hour tests, 12-hour tests, and 15 minute testing on set. You were cleared before you were allowed in the building every day. It was a lot of prep work to make sure everyone was as safe as possible. Once I cleared that out of my mind, I just went into work mode. I almost got tunnel vision where I can’t see anything but what’s in front of me which is creating something amazing or at least attempting to. The fear of [Covid] kinda drifted away. My mindset went to art immediately. Once I’m in that mindset it’s hard to get me out of it. It was hard to come back to Maine afterward, I was on such an adrenaline rush. It took me two weeks to be able to calm down. To come back to complete isolation – like I was in the middle of nowhere on an island off the coast of Maine – it’s that remote. So to come back to that after all that excitement was a little like, I don’t know what to do with myself now!

Are you planning any interesting activations with the new album due to the pandemic with tours on hold? I’m assuming you can’t tour at the moment?

We can not. We keep booking tours and they keep getting postponed. So we’re kind of in the same boat as every other band right now, it’s just a waiting game. I just don’t know when it’s actually going to come back, I’m hopeful that it will be sooner than later, but who knows. I miss it desperately, so fingers crossed. it’s very strange times we’re living in and you got to ride out the storm.

Are you doing any virtual programming aside from the music videos and track releases?

It’s certainly something we’ve been talking about and depending on how the world continues to go it’s something that we’re considering at this point. But it’s not the same as singing in the room with a live show. It’s one night where your relationship with your instrument, the band, being on stage, that symbiotic relationship you get with the fans is unlike anything else. It’s like a drug, it’s like a high you can’t get anywhere else. During the lockdown, just to keep my creative juices flowing, I’ve been doing quite a few acoustic things on our own songs. I’ve done a piano version of “House On a Hill,” which is something I’ve been wanting to do for many years but had never gotten around to it. So in one way, it’s kind of a blessing in disguise where I’ve gotten to do collaborations and covers of songs which is not something I generally gravitate towards doing. I covered the “Keeper” with Alain Johannes and “Half Way There” with Matt Cameron. Most recently I was just a part of the David Bowie tribute concert. Things like that have been keeping me going. As much as I love acoustic guitar I’m desperately missing electricity! I’m looking forward to the day where I can just get back in a rehearsal space with the four of us. Let’s just start there where we can actually plugin and turn it up, because there is nothing else like it. The deprivation of that is starting to wear on me – like it is for everyone. I’m not the first person to say this. I think everyone is missing it. So fingers crossed for the future!

I’m really excited for people to hear this album. We have worked so incredibly hard on it and I’m so, so proud of it. I’m really excited for it to be out in the world and for everyone to be able to listen to it.

[hlupdate]

Interview: Louis Tomlinson Opens Up About ‘Walls’ & Tour Plans

It’s go time for Louis Tomlinson. After years of building anticipation, the 28-year-old unveils his debut solo album Walls today (January 31). And the 12-song collection (featuring familiar titles like “Two Of Us” and “Kill My Mind”) was well-worth the wait. On it, he reintroduces himself to fans after taking over the world as one-fifth of One Direction. And the crooner does so by placing the focus on his powerful pen to provide a glimpse into his heart and soul. Whether he is overcoming seemingly insurmountable obstacles on the title track or embracing a youthful sense of adventure on “Fearless,” every song offers a chance to engage with him on a new level.

But dropping Walls was just a warm-up. Now he turns his attention to the accompanying world tour. It all starts with a March 9 set in Barcelona. Then the hitmaker spends the next several months making stops across the globe. That includes a string of North American dates in June and July. And it’s the moment he’s been waiting for. Last week I had the opportunity to chat with Louis about the rest of his action-packed 2020. He opened up about how he mentally prepared for the arrival of the album and his goals. After that he spilled some tea about the show. That includes a little insight into the setlist selection process.

OG fans will be happy to know that they’ll definitely hear a couple One Direction staples in a live setting again this year. Even better, Louis plans to play every song off Walls. Keep an eye peeled for our official album review in the coming days. In the meantime, dive into our interview below to learn more.

You’ve been working towards Walls for a couple years now. How does it feel to be so close to releasing it?

I think just a big sense of relief. I’m excited to release it and to have the fans hear it. And to go out there and tour it. So I’m just excited to get into this stage. It feels like it’s been a long time coming.

Obviously you’ve done a couple album releases before, but it was always as part of One Direction. Do you feel like this being a solo project changes your perception at all?

Yeah, I think there was a slightly different goal. Naturally with the One Direction albums versus with my own solo album. I think I actually kind of review once I’d come out of the band… I had to almost redefine the word success really. Because the experience I had in One Direction wasn’t really real life. So in terms of what I want to get out of this album and what I’ve for starters learned a lot along the premises. But what I want to get out of it is that hopefully my fans think I’m a good songwriter. So really it’s almost less pressure in a way.

I think lyrically your writing is coming across so well.

Thank you.

Speaking of the songs you’ve released, it’s interesting looking at the tracklist. Some of the songs made the final cut, but there are a couple older singles that didn’t. How did you decide what would live as a stand-alone moment in time versus what would make the final album?

I think when I looked at the older singles that I’d done it was hard sonically for them to sit on the album. On the vinyl I did a version of the Steve Aoki song “Just Hold On.” But it’s a completely new production. We reworked that. But with the other singles, it was kind of difficult to imagine them on that record. I feel like my songwriting kind of matured a little bit since then.

Can you talk about why you settled on Walls as the overarching title for the album?

To be honest it’s my favorite song on the album. I think it’s the best song on the album. It’s the song I’m most proud of. So I’d been thinking about what title I was going to have for the album for a while. And then I kind of just thought let’s not overthink it. What’s my favorite song? I love the concept behind the single so I kind of just went with my gut and went with that.

It’s interesting too because as I’m listening to the album I notice that you obviously reference walls in the title track. But you also talk about fences on “Defenseless.” It seems like there was a theme emerging of overcoming barriers or putting yourself out there without barriers. Was that intentional that you were doing lyrically while writing?

Not deliberately but I do try to write in an autobiographical sense. And as relatable as possible. I think that’s one of the things that we all go through at times. So I felt like yeah it was important to cover that. I hadn’t realized. A lot of walls and fences.

A lot of things we had to get over. Looking at the tracklist, is there a song that hasn’t been released yet that you’re most excited for fans to hear?

I’d say “Only The Brave,” which is the last song. It’s just short of two minutes long, and it doesn’t really have a traditional structure to the song. You only really get the chorus once. And I think it’s an interesting moment in the album. It closes the album, and I think it’s interesting.

One of my favorites is “Fearless.” I love the message. I took it as encouraging yourself to return to our youthful confidence and just saying fuck it to expectations and anxiety.

Yeah, absolutely.

I was hoping you could tell me a bit about how it came together?

I think the age that I’m at at the moment, I’m 28 now. I’m kind of in this strange age. We’ve got a bit more life experience, but it’s kind of reflecting on how fearless you are when you’re young. The fact that you are willing to make mistakes over and over again. It’s just drawing on that whole vibe, really.

That’s something I relate to being at a similar point in my life.

Nice. I appreciate that.

Do you plan to release any more singles off the project?

No I don’t think so. I think I’m going to release the album, and I’m going to get into tour and just concentrate on that for a little bit. Just so I have more stuff to write about. Then at some point this year I’ll get into writing the next record I suppose.

Awesome! It’s good to hear that there are already plans for another album.

Yeah. Definitely.

Something else I wanted to ask about was the “Walls” video. Some of the other videos this era have been more straightforward in terms of a plot, whereas this felt more conceptual. How did you come up with the idea for this one and what does it mean to you?

This is the fourth video that I’ve done with that director Charlie Lightening who’s amazing. I really enjoyed working with him. The first three videos fit together. Were narrative driven and had a bit more story to them. So I thought, we both thought it was important with this video to kind of move away from that and make something visually more interesting. We went to Morocco to film it in the desert. I Think it looks incredible. You’ve got that scale with it being in the desert. And yeah, we were just trying to make it look kind of trippy and surreal. Visually interesting. Just a good sort of performance video instead of getting lost in a narrative.

Cool. I also wanted to talk about touring. How are you getting ready for the show?

I’ve been doing little bits of rehearsals here and there because I’ve got TV performances anyway. Like two or three weeks of rehearsals. To be honest since the year started I’ve kind of been counting down the days in terms of my solo career. This is what I’ve been working towards. So I’m really excited about it.

It brings everything together, and it’s great to see that this is coming. I was reading your last interview with us and you mentioned that touring was a big goal. So it’s great to have it be here.

Definitely. It feels good.

Speaking about the show, will the focus of the setlist be on your solo music or do you plan on throwing in any of the material you wrote for One Direction?

I think it’ll be like there might be three One Direction songs in there. I mean I’ll definitely put a few in. It would be rude not to, and there are some bangers in there. But mostly Walls. I’ll probably do the whole album and maybe two or three One Direction tunes.

That’s awesome. I can’t wait to see what the setlist ends up being. Thank you so much and good luck with everything you have going on.

Thank you very much. I appreciate your time, man.

[nosleepstillweak]

cruller

My favorite type of donut is a cruller. Pity the man that begins his own love story with a monologue about his favorite pastry, but I feel like there’s something to be said here. It’s not like your traditional cake or long john or eclair. A cruller is in an avenue all its own. For one, it just looks cooler. Who doesn’t like a twisty donut? The dough is shaped into this endless spiral that flakes beautifully in the oven. Furthermore, the consequent increase in surface area also leads to the creation of these little pockets that are the perfect space for the outer glaze to nestle into. Top the whole affair off with a flawlessly reduced jelly filling and it’s like eating ambrosia. This opinion definitely isn’t mitigated by the fact that a literal goddess is the one to serve me these treats every morning, yet I still face opposition.

“You’re just a fucking weirdo, Jason.”

These are the words of my donut-apathetic comrade, Malachi. He’s a bit of an old-head, if you were to ask me, but sometimes the bluntness of his responses are in my best interest. As of late, he has been the staunchest--and sole--opponent of my onset infatuation with the owner of our newly discovered cafe destination.

“These twists taste like garbage. Admit it, you just have a thing for Donut Girl.” A key indicator of his disdain is the fact he continues to call her “Donut Girl,” even though her name-tag would lead me to believe that she actually goes by Sadie. Then again, given my previous history with “Pizza Chick” and “Gas Station Lady,” it’s fair to say that I haven’t necessarily made the best name for myself when choosing my romantic interests in the wholesale industry.

“Unsubstantiated opinions on Sadie aside, you can’t tell me that this isn’t a damn good donut.” I mean, he could, but he’d just be a liar. I take another bite in between sentences. “Plus, I don’t think you saw the way she looked at me this time. That was definitely some sort of signal.”

I can’t say that I’m not offended by Malachi’s responding scoff. “Yeah, a signal to round up all the idiots. I can’t believe you’re twenty-three years old and you still crush after women like you’re in a teen drama.” He scowls at me as I finish off the last of the half-dozen with a smile on my face. “Those donuts literally taste like sugar-coated metal.”

“Oh, heaven forbid they contain the slightest hint of high fructose corn syrup.” In traditional old-head fashion, Malachi is the type to complain about foods nowadays being too sugary; he gets a headache from eating a rope of black licorice. “Gather ‘round, folks, Old Man Malachi is mounting the soapbox again to preach about the dangers of processed foods--”

“Oh, fuck you, I’m leaving.” He, rather dramatically, snatches the coat off the back of his chair and storms out of the bakery. I can’t wipe the grin off my face when I remember that we literally work at the same office and will see each other again within the next ten minutes. What I find to be less amusing is the fact that he left me the entire bill, including his cinnamon-free cinnamon twists and extra-large black coffee. In lieu of my irritation, I take the situation as just a form of preparation: true love isn’t cheap.

“Here’s your bill.” A slip of paper slides across the table and then I’m blindsided by the sight of an immaculate Sadie smile. Now that’s priceless. I can’t describe it in words, but it’s just so… damn. By the time I’ve regained my senses, she’s gone off to help the next customer. I glance over the receipt, fishing through my wallet to produce the proper total and a hefty tip. My eyes widen when I catch something hastily scrawled at the bottom of the slip: a phone number. Next to a poorly-drawn smiley face, but that’s beside the point; the Sadie of Sadie’s Bakery just gave me her phone number. As I get up to leave, I even catch a glimpse of her smiling softly in my direction. I more than happily return the gesture. Malachi will come around eventually, but this train is definitely already in motion.

***

I have to hand it to Malachi because the first few weeks of my relationship with Sadie did actually feel like a teen drama. Our initial correspondence was nothing to write home about. I’d pick up a cruller every morning at the bakery and we’d chat for as long as it took for Malachi to spitefully gulp down his coffee and claim that we were running late for work. In between breaks at the office, I curated a myriad of internet bakery memes. Then, at night, I would bombard our text conversations with dancing donuts and cake icing videos and pretend to not absolutely lose my mind whenever she responded with a laughing face emoji. This continued for a while until I had to stage a self-intervention from giving myself diabetes. Sadie was surprisingly understanding and even offered to make me a sugar-free batch; had Malachi not physically taken my phone and responded with “no and goodbye,” I would have accepted.

In spite of his continued opposition, the train kept on moving. Sadie was actually the one who asked me out; I know, the misogynists are quaking in their boots. After she made the first move at the bakery, I wasn’t super surprised that she proposed the idea of dating one morning when I stopped by to pick up an office order. That being said, her delivery did not keep me from turning completely red and whooping at the top of my lungs in the otherwise moderately quiet cafe. I honestly still don’t know why Sadie got so embarrassed; she literally owns the place. All that being said, Sadie and I were officially a couple. Now, I just have to let Malachi in on it so he can be a supportive best friend and help guide me through my new--

“Jason, I love you, man, but this seems like a terrible idea.” Okay, ouch. This hadn’t been the first time he’d ever said these exact words to me, but for some reason, they hurt more this time around. “This is so sudden! I seriously worry that you’re getting ahead of yourself. What do you even know about this Sadie girl anyways?”

“Uh, well, for one, she runs the best bakery in town.”

“Debatable. Dinah’s Breakfast Cafe has killer pastries.”

“Unlike Dinah, Sadie’s smart and funny.”

“And you learned this from your 2 A.M. meme conversations?”

“Okay, either way, look me in the eyes and tell me she’s not beautiful.”

“Do you really want me to call your girlfriend hot?”

I throw a straw wrapper in his face and pout, genuinely upset. “That’s not the point and you know it.”

“Look, dude, I can understand that your initial feelings may be strong, but I just don’t wanna see you get hurt again. Physically or emotionally.” Malachi fixes me with a serious look and I suddenly feel like sinking back into my chair. “Especially after Gas Station Lady, I was hoping you’d make a little bit of a better assessment of things. I mean, like, do you even know how old she is? Friends? Family? Does she have any past relationships? Who’s to say that she isn’t hanging out with one of her ex-boyfriends right now?”

That last comment was a low blow and more than a little melodramatic, but I suddenly feel like I don’t know enough about Sadie to defend her. Now that I think about it, maybe everything is moving too fast.

“Just… be careful, man. Maybe reconsider. Again, the last thing I’d want is for you to get hurt.” Malachi shoots me one last sympathetic smile before walking out of the breakroom. Maybe there’s some truth to Old Man Malachi’s words. I stare at the cruller in my hand for a moment. When I finally move to take a bite, something inside leaves a sour taste in my mouth. The jelly filling doesn’t taste quite the same as before.

***

After that awful conversation, I decide it's best to have a heart-to-heart with Sadie. Our text conversations dry up for a couple of nights and I try to avoid the bakery as much as possible to give myself more time to think. However, as it turns out, the inevitable conversation didn’t end up being as painful as I thought it would be. Sadie actually laughs when I tell her that I don’t know anything about her; she says the same could be said about me. We spend the rest of the evening making donuts together and giving each other a basic autobiographical rundown.

Sadie Marissa Jenkins II is a first-generation British--it was at this point in our month-long relationship that I finally noticed the accent--immigrant who’d moved here in order to pursue her studies in culinary arts at the local university. She lives with her older sister, and her dog named Muffin, and she prefers riding her bike to taking the metro. She spoke of no past relationships and is in fact not currently cheating on me with another man. I was quite happy, and a little smug, when reporting my findings to Malachi.

“If you think she’s the one, then knock yourself out.” He’s speaking very nonchalantly for a man who’s wrestling with a stapler. “She actually gave me a free coffee this morning, so maybe she’s worth keeping around.”

“So free coffee is all it takes to get Old Man Malachi’s blessing?”

“Hardy-har-har.” He flicks a loose staple at my forehead. “This better work out, because I’m not picking your ass up again when you get dumped out of a pizza delivery car in the middle of town.”

“At least she didn’t run out of gas.” I jokingly shoot finger guns in his direction, snorting when he feigns a shot to the chest as he exits the breakroom. There are still a couple of crullers left over in the Sadie’s Bakery box on the counter so I help myself to one--and immediately gag. Okay, they actually do kinda taste like metal. They’re probably just stale from sitting out all afternoon. Yeah, that’s probably it.

***

I decide to lay off the crullers for a while and instead take the time to learn more about Sadie. What I learn instead is that both of us have pretty uninteresting lives, but I think it’s the thought that counts. Plus, her accent is precious and I can barely pay attention when we have midnight baking lessons at the bakery. These lessons are always followed by her getting into my car, me offering to drive her home, and us making out in the backseat instead. This goes on for several nights and I have never once complained about it. That is, until tonight, when she decides to take a chomp out of the side of my neck.

“What the--!” I instinctively push away from her and inspect the injury with my hand. My fingers come away smeared red.

“Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry!” Her hands hover over me as I frantically press the sleeve of my jacket to my neck to stop the bleeding. “I got carried away. Did I hurt you?” I mean, judging by the fact that I’m literally bleeding, I think it would be fair to assume that she did, in fact, hurt me. Nonetheless, I manage a smile.

“It’s fine, Sades.” Probably. The bleeding has stopped, anyways. “Honestly. I mean, it’s not like you said some other guy’s name, or something weird like that.”

“What? What other guy? When was there ever another guy?” Sadie jolts away from me like I’m made of fire. “What do you know about another guy?”

“Uh, nothing! It was just a joke.” A bad joke. “An American joke.”

“Oh. I see.” She nervously picks at the leather of the car seat, her teeth gnawing at her lower lip.

“Really, the biting thing was fine.” Probably. I lean forward and place a small kiss on her ear. “In fact, dare I say that it was kinda hot.” I don’t know what response I was expecting, but I was not physically prepared for the look that she gave me when I pulled away. Then, we were back at it again. From that point in the night on, it was just so… damn. Maybe I was just hallucinating before; I think the crullers taste just fine.

***

“You look tired.” Malachi inquires with a wink as he takes another sip of his morning coffee. To be quite honest, I probably feel worse than I look; after the whole biting incident and my subsequent flirtatious response, Sadie kinda took things into her own hands. I think it’s fair to say that what happened in that car stays in that car. Probably.

“I was just busy last night.”

“Busy?” Malachi snorts into his cup. “With Sadie?”

“Oh, shut up,” I tiredly flip him the bird, “don’t say it like that. We’re literally adults. It’s not like teenagers kissing behind the bleachers, or something.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry, I forgot when you got so mature. Just eat your damn cruller.” He shoves the half-dozen towards me and I nibble at one for a bit before taking a bite… which still tastes awful. Did she change the recipe for the filling? I need to talk to her about that. “Then again, maybe you’re right. I don’t remember them wearing scarves in August in teen dramas.”

I literally choke on the bite of cruller in my mouth. Okay, so maybe the biting incident wasn’t fine. You live and you learn.

***

“Uh, hey there, Sades.” I make my way into the sparsely lit kitchen of the bakery. “Whatcha’ up to?” My real question is, why does the kitchen look like a literal crime scene? There’s donut filling smeared all over the counters; there’s even some on the wall.

“Oh! Uh, nothing, just washing my hands. Cleaning up.”

“Did you cook something?” I look around the kitchen a bit. No pots or pans. Not even a baked good. “I don’t see anything.”

“N-No, not really. I was just preparing something for a batch I was going to bake tomorrow.” For a baker, that’s a totally normal thing to do. Probably.

“Alrighty, then. Should we head out now?”

Sadie smiles, but her face still seems tight. “Lovely.”

***

“Something’s off about Sadie, man. I’ve been getting these weird vibes lately.”

“Oh, so now you see it.” Malachi rolls his eyes, taking a bite into a fresh-baked, sugar-free twist. “Did you two have a fight? Does she not like it when you burp halfway through your sentences?”

“What? No, to both.” Well, actually, that’s a hard maybe on the latter. “Nothing specifically happened, per se, but, like, the vibes were off. She was acting really strange last night.”

“What’d she do, exactly?”

“Well, she…” Washed her hands? What exactly am I supposed to say in this situation? “...actually, never mind.”

“Good. Because, if you were about to say some kinky shit, I literally would’ve punched you in the face.” He chortles as I push hard against his arm. “Look, man, relationships are weird. Whatever’s on your mind, just work it out with her. Better now than later. Regret hurts like a bitch, dude.”

I stare down at the cruller in front of me and swallow thickly. “I think you’re right, man. I should just talk things out with her.”

***

Oh, god, I was wrong. I was so wrong. Screw talking things out. Malachi was right. Regret does hurt like a bitch. I should’ve listened to him, the first time. I wish I could go back and listen to him. I should’ve known something was wrong from the random nighttime hand washing. Or from the biting incident. Or from when any human woman found me to be conventionally attractive. Maybe that’s it. Maybe she’s just not human. She probably isn’t, given that she’s pulling this shit. She’s literally crazy, and I fell for it.

You wanna know what was in those crullers? The jelly filling: it wasn’t cherry or strawberry or whatever other random red fruit we thought it was. It’s straight-up human remains. ...Plus a shit ton of sugar and preservatives, but that’s beside the point. That’s why Malachi thought they tasted like metal. There’s iron and calcium in blood and bones; she was just feeding us metal. People. And I ate them! Almost every day! For two months! Oh my god, what’s wrong with her? What’s wrong with me?

Malachi, or Mom, or Gas Station Lady, if you’re reading this, just know that I love you all. Actually, this is an inner monologue; you’ll never see this. Poetic cruller bullshit aside, this is absolutely crazy. Oh god, she’s back. Oh god, she has a meat grinder. Why would she have a meat grinder? This is the worst day of my life. Oh god, this is the last day of my life. I’m about to die. She’s about to grind me into bits and make me into donut filling. Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god. I should’ve known better, I should’ve--

Fuck, Malachi, please, don’t eat the crullers. Don’t eat the--

***

“I knew there was something up with you!”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh god, he even told me that you were acting strange recently--”

“Malachi, please, calm down. What’s the matter?”

“Cut the bullshit, Donut Girl. What did you do to Jason?”

A pause. Then, she smiles. “Welcome to Sadie’s Bakery, the best baked goods in town. Could I interest you in a cruller?”

[omophagias]

bookposting #22

tender is the night, f. scott fitzgerald: 3.5 stars, i’d say. i really do like his prose style. it…there’s some l-word, i forget which—languid, that’s it. it felt very languid. i was less a fan of the flashback parts, partially because i didn’t like being in dick’s head as much as i liked being in rosemary’s. it also sometimes felt like fitzgerald was kind of wobbling around on the border between “no, obviously dick isn’t meant to be a sympathetic character, he’s a self-destructive asshole” and the, like, not being really sure whether he was extending that “you shouldn’t like him!” to the part where he marries his teenage psychiatric patient. (fortunately the autobiographical resemblance didn’t get that far…?) really what i was mostly thinking by the end was, damn, fscott and zelda, i really wish you’d lived in a time when it was easier to get divorced. but, you know, on the list of books about people just really fucking themselves over, this is one of the better ones. i think i got it because i can’t / couldn’t stop thinking about “patient is the night” from over the garden wall.

the fire next time, james baldwin: 5 stars easy. i really wish i’d read it sooner; i ended up reading it because i bought my roommate a copy for his birthday and wanted to be able to write him a decent further-reading list to go with it. i just was completely awed by the facility with which he was able to touch on so many different things and draw them back together into a whole, and he was such a writer. i don’t know that i can really talk about "down at the cross” right now without just quoting massive passages because it just speaks so completely for itself. read it.

trouble the saints, alaya dawn johnson: three stars? this is kind of hard to talk about because i theoretically like a lot about it. alternate-universe 1930s-1940s where at the age of 10 some people of color gain a power called “the hands” along with occasional semi-prophetic dreams, “the hands” basically give you one superpower like “can see a person’s worst deed by touching them” or “can sense threat to oneself”, protagonist’s power is unfailingly perfect aim, which she uses to kill for the mob. i think maybe it was a marketing issue, because from the blurbs and so forth it seemed to be being sold as much more of a straight up and down fantasy noir, which is absolutely not what you’re getting. it’s extremely character-driven and thematically very concerned with passing, liminality, justice, ancestral trauma. i will say i didn’t care as much for the middle third, i thought dev’s narrative voice was not interesting, especially compared to phyllis or tamara. it’s…i don’t know, i think it’s interesting and it’s definitely something i’d enthusiastically recommend to other people but i just didn’t really click with it. maybe a prose issue, idk, it got kind of dense sometimes in a way that didn’t really work with the plot, imo.

the story of silence, alex myers: rating…i don’t know, i feel like it might be a book that’d improve on rereading, provisional three because i felt a bit disappointed. retelling of the roman de silence, a 13th century french poem about a lord who, due to inheritance law, raises his afab child silence as a boy and which i haven’t yet read (which might be one of the reasons it didn’t click, i couldn’t tell if/where myers was deviating from the story beyond the obvious change to the ending—in the poem, silence ends up married to the king; in the book, silence escapes that fate and the fate of being forcibly externally gendered in general). i think that probably its best strength is as a prose adaptation of the poem, because it definitely has the feel of, like, the better prose adaptations of arthurian poems (which this is, merlin is in it). but on its own i’m less sure; there’s not really a lot of character exploration. i’m gonna donate my copy because it’s a 400-page hardback and i don’t want to pay to send it home, i can get a paperback in the states.

wakenhyrst, michelle paver: two stars. oy. a very boring gothic horror with not enough horror and far too many diary entries from the main character’s terrible father. remarkably unsympathetic treatment of the housemaid who is being, frankly, sexually exploited by said father. also i felt like there were digs being taken at margery kempe, which is less serious but still annoyed me. paver really, really likes doing epistolary/diary-based horror—she did it in dark matter, which i did like—but these ones are just not well-done, the shift back and forth between them and the main character’s perspective doesn’t do much, and the horror—which as far as i can tell is the maybe-real ghost of the father’s sister who he let drown in the fen when they were kids coming back into the house—is just not given enough room to get really settled and also not really successfully integrated with the big spooky 15th century painting that’s also part of the whole thing somehow.

one-way street and other writings, walter benjamin, trans. j.a. underwood: three stars again? i don’t know; i think that a lot of it was very well-written / translated but i was missing the referents to actually engage with it. also i was really, really tired when i read the first two essays. i did like “one-way street,” it felt kind of like invisible cities in a way, and “hashish in marseille” was funny because like dude we’ve all been there, we’ve all been high and unable to stop staring at people’s faces. i think overall the things that i understood i liked but i didn’t understand as much as i wanted to.

the dunwich horror and other stories, h.p. lovecraft: three and a half, four, something in that neighborhood, graded to the lovecraft curve (a curve somehow squamous and rugose!). overall the stories were pretty well-selected—the dunwich horror is definitely one of his best, the thing on the doorstep is very interesting as a story, like, thematically; the dreams in the witch house didn’t work as well for me because it is kind of about a guy double-majoring in math and folklore too hard (and what the fuck is “non-euclidean calculus” anyway, howie), accidentally discovering teleportation, and then getting chased by a witch and and her half gef the mongoose / half vladislav cat familiar in the form of evil shapes, the lurking fear really dropped the ball at the end and is basically a dry run for the rats in the walls; i had no idea what was going on in hypnos, and the outsider is a decent sort of twilight zone-y tomato in the mirror couple of pages. i think really what i found most interesting about this collection is that it made it very clear to me that lovecraft was deeply, deeply obsessive about eugenics. which, i mean, i’d already known he had the ingredients for it (seething, all-consuming racism; classism of the “augh the inbred hillbillies!” type that was very foundational for american eugenics; his personal concern with / fear of hereditary mental illness; interest in what was in the 1920s cutting edge science) but i hadn’t quite put them together until looking at the dunwich horror and the lurking fear and their presentation of rural new englanders, combined with the, you know, his stuff about innsmouth (as always i say: THE FISH PEOPLE DID NOTHING WRONG) and the racist implications therein, which crops up in dunwich and in thing on the doorstep, the way all three are very, very concerned with genealogy / heredity… shouldn’t have taken me that long to figure it out. one thing i did like about the lurking fear was the moment when the narrator, atop the hill where the abandoned house of the ill-fortuned and vanished martense family stands, looks out over the plain and suddenly realizes that the weird earth mounds in the area are all radially emanating from that hill. it’s an actually effective spooky moment! i thought it was gonna be giant mole people! it isn’t, it’s the martense family having somehow managed in 100 years, through some really committed inbreeding, to devolve into weird voiceless subterranean cannibalistic hominids. boo.

[youngboy-oldmind]

DISCOGRAPHY REVIEW: 1) THE INCREDIBLE TRUE STORY ft. My Girlfriend

“Tell me what I wouldn't wanna give for a life like this, arm and a leg quite like this/ Fuck around wanna fight like this, take a hike like this/ I might just, might just, I don't know/ Reinvention, that's my intention/ Want so much more than this third-dimension/ That's not to mention my true ascension is a bigger picture/ No metaphor, I’m being real with ya”

Overall Thoughts

After the success and impressive display Under Pressure, Logic follows up with his sophomore album The Incredible True Story: A perfect embodiment of Logic as a person, rapper, and artist. Here, he is at his most creative, telling an entire story through the lens of a futuristic fictional sci-fi story. Filled with narratives, skits that give insight to the crew’s personalities, and an overall message that resonates even after the album concludes, The Incredible True Story is the perfect reflection of Logic as an artist.

If someone asked me to introduce them to Logic, I’d start with this album. If you start with a deeper, more experimental album like Everybody or a project not quite as unique like Under Pressure, they may be left unsatisfied or unimpressed. But it’s near impossible to dislike his most rounded and well-constructed project.

I’ve said this with every project of his, but the production was excellent. The techy, spacey instrumentals perfectly parallel the theme and tone of the project. The vocal inflections on “Fade Away”, “Young Jesus”, “Run It” and the choir in the first half of “City of Stars” were all brilliantly executed. Also, Logic allowed collaborations on some tracks and they were some of the highlights on the album: Big Lenbo on “Young Jesus”, Lucy Rose on “Innermission”, and Jesse Boykins III on “Paradise”. Overall, the construction of each song on this album was near perfect. It can’t be overstated.

Logic branched out stylistically on this project. On Under Pressure, each song had a relatively similar tone, which made that project very consistent yet unspectacular. The fixed tone was good for the purpose of that project but restricted him from reaching a high peak. Here, his delivery, instrumentals, and lyrical style varied and was less consistent, allowing him to reach highs like “Fade Away” and “City of Stars” while also allowing him to reach lows like “I Am The Greatest”. Despite that flaw, the unique style of the album improves its overall ranking and separates him from the issue of his last project; the issue of being indistinct and being a carbon copy of his influences. 

That’s one of the biggest strengths of this album. While I can think of other artists that could do Under Pressure or No Pressure, I don’t think anyone can do The Incredible True Story. Logic has a niche combination of lyrical talent, production skills, and geekiness that shines profusely. 

The main theme of this project is doing what you love and finding life. This theme paired the fictional nature of the album’s structure loosens the restraint on Logic. Before, he was limited by discussing his experiences and thoughts in an autobiographical way, whereas now he’s allowed to discuss things from an outside perspective and speak more prophetically.

Album Breakdown

Side Note: I will be adding comments and thoughts from my girlfriend who also loves this album. Her comments will be bolded.

1. Contact

This was extremely creative. I was instantly drawn into the music. Sounded like a soundtrack I'd hear in a movie. And the introductory conversation between the two men established a very interesting and compelling start to the album and makes it feel like I'm getting ready to start a story book. Solid start, can't wait to see what happens.

2. Fade Away

Off the rip, this track had me excited. As I mentioned earlier, the composition and instrumental is excellent. He also comes through with an intense flex of delivery and rhyming and syllable scheme construction. This is the first song I’ve ever heard from Logic and it still gets my hype every time I hear it.

The flow in this song just hit me like a truck. The lyrics were pretty good and not necessarily a brag, but more of a showcase of pride. The music was also very catchy and had my bobbing my head before he started rapping. But the flow! Absolutely loved it. Def a hype song for me.

3. Upgrade

This track transitions well from the previous song discussing kai upgrading his system. Logic discusses “upgrading” from his old life and mindset. The space background with a simple drum pattern is satisfying.

Loved how the intro music played off of the space theme established by the intro. The music was already banging, and the countdown had me anticipating what's to come. Liked how the lyrics also incorporated space elements. Somewhat simple song with somewhat basic lyrics, but overall still quite enjoyable.

4. White People (Scene)

This was super fun to listen to and I was laughing when the black guy made fun of the white-man-horror-movie stereotype. I was almost wishing for them to investigate. I am really liking this album so far. Who knew Logic was such a innovative storyteller.

5. Like Woah

Although this song doesn’t say much content wise, the vocals were pretty slick and the instrumental was constructed well. Verses were average and I found the chorus a little iffy. But overall, it’s one of the more mid tracks.

The others definitely fit the theme of the space, but this song felt more of a Top 100 hits song. The flow was not as stellar as the songs so far, definitely no Fade Away, but still steady and impressive nonetheless. Nerdy comment, but the music reminded me of something I'd hear in a video game with the female singing--maybe Zelda or Fire Emblem.

6. Young Jesus

Although this song isn’t in my top 3, it’s still one of my favorite on the album. The boom bap 90s throwback mixes well with the modern, techy sound of the album. Logic and Big Lenbo both flow perfectly; this some of the best chemistry Logic has had with another rapper, the only other contender being Big Sean. Instrumentally this song stands out the most because its composition derives so much from the rest of the track list.

This throwback to the 90s flow with a slight modern twist was fresh as hell and a very fun listen. I actually very much enjoyed Logic's flow in this song. "See I'm a self diagnosed hypochrondria/ Either at the crib, or on the tour bus, is where you'll find me at" was a fun, funky flow that had me smiling as I listened to it. Would have definitely enjoyed if he did this flow and slight drawl in words a bit more. Big Lenbo was perfect for this song. His voice has that 90s feel and his lyrics fit the bragging feel seen in old hip hop songs.

7. Innermission

Another top track on this project, “Innermission” features Logic discussing his life’s purpose and “inner mission”. Lucy Rose on the chorus is beautiful. The mellow beat allows Logic to truly dive into his thoughts without being overwhelmed by the instrumental. And I loved the skit at the end.

Not gonna lie, the music initially reminds me of elevator music, but the lyrics hit hard. Hearing his story of his home life and his friend in prison was...heartfelt? It made me introspective of my role in my friend's lives and my own background. This song has a nostalgia to it as Logic retrospects his life before reaching fame, yet an almost hopeful undertone as he contemplates why he wanted this lifestyle and how he managed to actually accomplish it. And, of course, ending the song with a child continuing the space them fully establishes the air of wistfulness as I hear the kid's innocent tone reminiscing about his home. Genius move.

8. I Am The Greatest

There are few songs that make me rush to the skip button. “I Am The Greatest” is one of them. I hate this song. The different voice clips have no rhythm or syncopation, seemingly haphazardly tossed together. The beat is underwhelming and the yelling is obnoxious. And logics lyrics and delivery are really bad. I strongly believe this should’ve been cut or put on a project like Bobby Tarantino.

9. The Cube (Scene)

As someone who can rap and solve a Rubiks cube, I found this very funny. But also ironic, since I pulled exactly 0 girls from solving it. But, Logic is a nerd and this skit fits his personality well.

So this didn't make much sense until I looked up "logic the cube" and saw some videos of him solving a Rubik’s cube. Cute that he inserted a past time into this.

10. Lord Willin’

Logic has a very distinct flow throughout this album. It's very similar in each song with similar rhythm--I find myself bobbing my head at the same speed as his other songs. Not a bad thing, but just an interesting note. I actually quite like it, though. It makes the songs in this album more harmonious and makes it feel like one long story, rather than several songs thrown together onto one album. The lyrics themselves were actually quite inspirational. I felt a sense of pride in myself swell as I listened to him overcoming and living a full life and encouraging me to do the same. 

11. City of Stars

Arguably one of the best on the album, “City of Stars” features Logic discusses his negative/toxic relationship with the hip hop industry. The spacey beat and echoey chorus vocals area AWESOME. The echo on the snare paints a visual of singing in a wide open space. Logic’s singing is above average, his use of auto-tune isn’t bad either. The beat switch to an intense boom bap and going in sent shivers down my spine. Although this has been done before, its definitely an excellently put together concept.

Also, only hip hop fans will notice but Logic incorporates patterns and lyrics from other songs: Drake’s “Forever”, Kanye West’s “Last Call” & “Two Words” of The College Dropout, and Talib Kewli’s “Get By”. Logic isn’t one to shy away from nodding to his influences, but here it feels like paying homage instead of stealing. Top 3 track.

12. Stainless

This song is 100% dope. From the vocals on the chorus, complex background in the instrumental, Logic’s intense flow and delivery, along with the content. Another top 3 on the album.

Bruuuh, this song slapped from the moment it started. The music had a flow different from the other songs, and his energy from the first few lyrics was solid as hell. I was hype and smiling not even 20 seconds in. This is a riding-with-the-windows-down-with-the-volume-blarring-on-the-highway-as-you-flaunt-your-youth-and-just-jam-hard kind of song. I would have def played this before a basketball game to get myself hype.

13. Babel (Scene)

“Babel” was the best skit by far. I think this plays well into the theme of the album: The concept of doing what you love and finding life. This skit mentions how “paradise” may not be something you find, but something you make and maintain. And on the flip side, you can also turn paradise into “purgatory”. So this journey is about creating the best and making your own incredible life instead of trying to find it. It also transitions well into the next song both musically and thematically.

14. Paradise

This was an interesting song. When he described Paradise initially, he spoke of it as a land of racial equality. I had not expected race to play a major role in this story, but it makes sense, given his background, why he would consider this Paradise. As a fellow biracial person born without a silver spoon, I can relate to his struggle. So hearing him describe this planet called Paradise, I can see why it earned that name. But the beat change. I find it interesting that he switched the message behind his lyrics up. It changed to perseverance and strength to overcome haters and obstacles and doubt. It gives me this feeling of self-worth as I push through the negativity to achieve Paradise. Interesting that he decided to include this message after describing what Paradise looks like. Did he do this to highlight the struggle it would take to get there? The challenge? Saying how "Of those around me that down and pray on my demise/But it only makes it that much better when I rise" definitely encapsulates his ability to attain Paradise. I'm not sure, maybe he did so as proof that he finally reached the top.

15. Never Been

Years ago, I used to be a hater of Logic. I used to despise when people complimented or praised him. So this song about remaining positive and persevering while blocking out negative hits even harder. He battles with fears of being inadequate while projecting a message of not letting those fears control your life and potential success. Amazing message. Musically, the track is very solid. The sped up, high pitched vocals on the chorus and outro remind me of Kanye’s style, and the simple beat isn’t distracting emphasizes the introspective nature of the song.

"Talk all you want about me homie, I'mma let it live/Hater this, hater that, say I sound repetitive/ Hatin' in your blood, you was born to be negative" now THAT is how you diss someone. If someone said this to me, I'd just walk away because what do you say to that? I appreciate that he is able to both dis and praise in a song, yet not come off as cocky and arrogant and braggy. Listening to him, it truly sounds like he worked his ass off to achieve his fame, so hearing him brush off haters and telling me I can do it too actually makes me feel like he's right. This songs has an introspective vibe as he recounts his insecurities of failing, yet how he can't afford to "let the devil in."

16. Run It

“Run It” is another very good track on the album. The flow and beat were dope and simple yet effective and pleasing. I think this song’s placement was strange. After hard hitters like “Stainless”, “Paradise”, and “Never Been”, “Run it” feels underwhelming by comparison. I could see this after between “Like Woah” and the White People Skit. But this late into the album, this song’s tone sit right. Ultimately a great song though.

17. Lucidity

“Lucidity” gives good insight on the theme of the album. Thomas describes taking for granted people on Earth having dreams and wants instead of living to find paradise. I like the concept of one’s life and story being defined by pursuing what you want. Mostly a set up for the final song, it’s still a solid scene.

18. The Incredible True Story

This track can be defined by one word: epic. From the first half with Logic’s vocals and singing, encapsulating the whole question in this album “Who Am I?”. The instrumentation is beautiful. Then the second half with the crew landing on Paradise is so powerful and well constructed. As a listener, I feel like I’m there with the crew. You can feel everyone’s fear, nervousness, excitement, anticipation, and hope.

What. An. Ending. I had no idea how Logic was going to end this and he did not disappoint. His lyrics in the beginning. The sub-sequential inspirational message of following your desires. The 2 men as they get ready to land on Paradise. All of that was flawless. My favorite part was the music change as the female finished her countdown of the landing and it changed to this soft, exploring sound full of hope. Hearing the 2 men talk in wonder as the sounds of nature slowly encompassed the music before hearing the woman say "Life" literally made me so fucking emotional, I'm tearing up thinking about it.

Final Thoughts

The Incredible True Story is the embodiment of Logic as an artist. It is strengthened by being unsafe. Under Pressure felt like bowling with the rails up. You’re definitely gonna score, and you may hit a strike on your own, but it’s just not as good as bowling without safety rails. And yes, you may hit gutters (”I Am The Greatest”), but putting everything on the table and living/creating unrestrictedly allows you to reach highs in life/art you wouldn’t otherwise reach. And I think by allowing himself to create riskily and unhindered, he fulfilled his own theme.

As an avid bibliophile, I will tell you that most sequels are shit. But damn, this album was fucking amazing. I have been sleeping on Logic. Honestly, 12/10 ending. Logic wanted to leave a statement that he could still be one of the best even after his debut album and, trust me, he proved it. This ending alone proved that he knows how to do this shit. I feel like I just finished reading a great book. Who knew rap could be like this?

Top 3 Tracks:

1) City of Stars                      1) Stainless

2) Paradise                            2) Paradise

3) Innermission                      3) Incredible True Story

Overall Grade: A+

Album Link:

https://open.spotify.com/album/5dOpbgAmJeyoakKQ0QLWkR?si=bAQ0FEA4RMupkUEspycH1Q

[elceeu2morrow]

By Matt Galea  18/12/2019

It was the morning after our staff Christmas party that I got on the horn to Louis Tomlinson.

While the entire office was munching on bacon and egg rolls and chugging coffee to revive themselves, I was in the studio, eagerly awaiting a call from the UK to chat to my favourite member of One Direction (yep, you read that correctly).

You see, unlike most folks who occasionally whack on ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ during road trip karaoke or follow Harry Styles on Instagram to stay up to date with his dazzling wardrobe, I have been a true 1D stan since day dot: X Factor.

As soon as the band was pieced together, punters began choosing their faves, most of them picking Harry and don’t get me wrong, he’s an absolute lord (I’ve literally travelled to another country to see Harry live, I’ve had his album(s) on repeat since their release and I have tons of his merch), but I was instantly enchanted by the quiet, brooding, eldest member of the band and as their popularity skyrocketed, so, too, did my love for Louis.

I guess it’s a combination of his sleek style, his dreamy eyes plus the fact that he’s sassy (his public feuds have rightfully earned him the name ‘Sass Master of Doncaster’) and also has a ‘yuge heart and loves his fans unconditionally.

So naturally when the band went on hiatus, I followed Louis’ career like a hawk and, my fellow Louis stans, our time has finally come ‘coz 2020 is going to be THE year of Louis Tomlinson.

Let me repeat that louder for the people in the back:

2020 is going to be THE year of Louis Tomlinson.

The excitement in his voice is palpable as he discusses his debut studio album Walls which drops on January 31, 2020.

“I’m quite big on lyrics, it’s important for me to be honest and real and, at times, vulnerable,” he says of the album.

“My fans already know a lot about me but hopefully I can bring them an album that shows them another side.

”This ~other side~ includes personal yarns and tales from Louis’ life as he explains that he draws inspiration “from my life events.

“There were times in the past where I tried to write in a fictional sense, and there are a couple of songs on the album like that, but mostly I find it easier to write autobiographically.”

He adds, “Things happen to you and sometimes it might seem mundane but it makes you feel a certain way and it’s worth writing about.”

If you haven’t already listened to his latest singles, first of all what the heck is wrong with you? Second of all, go give them a listen and you’ll know exactly what he means by writing autobiographically.

He says his newest single ‘Don’t Let It Break Your Heart’ is “something that I’m definitely really proud of.”

“It’s a song trying to invoke hope, it’s about seeing the glass as half full as opposed to half empty and no matter what life throws at you, don’t let it break your heart.”

I then point out that he has a lot of positive, inspirational, anthemic bops under his belt and I ask if this is intentional.

“I think so,” he responds. “You always want to write lyrics that are relatable and inspiring, and I think songs like the song I did with Steve [Aoki] ‘Just Hold On’, it’s got the same kind of vibe of hope. I think it’s a pretty cool topic.”

He then talks me through my personal favourite, ‘We Made It.’

“It’s kind of about two things because we started out with just the title and what it meant to me in that moment was me picturing our first show of the tour and all the hard work it took me to get there and with the fans, it’s a collective, we made it here together, and that’s how the song started out,” he says.

“And then in the verse you have to add a bit more of a story so we’re talking about me going to visit my girlfriend at the university halls while I was on tour with the boys, so I was going off that dynamic.”

Directioners will be happy to know that Louis doesn’t shy away from name-dropping his bandmates and when I ask him to talk me through the best moments from the past decade, he literally lists three 1D-centric mems.

“When we first got put together as a band, that was a magical moment,” he says.

“We didn’t know each other that well and we went through that whole journey together, so that was pretty special.”

“When we played Madison Square Gardens in New York, that was a pretty memorable one. All of our families came down to watch.”

And finally, “We were lucky enough to play at the Olympics which was definitely one of the proudest moments I’ve ever had, definitely.”

Speaking of performing with 1D, Louis’ forthcoming trip to Australia will be his first without his bandmates and he is, as he put it, “proper excited to come back.”

“The gigs [in Oz] are always incredible and also for any Brit, it’s the ultimate dream to travel to Australia.”

But punters who have been lucky enough to see a One Direction show in their lifetime should expect a very, very different vibe from Tomlinson now that he’s flying solo (~obviously~).

“It’s not going to be a massive production with any gimmicks, it’s just going to be pretty straightforward. Just a good live show focusing on music and hopefully we’ll have a good night.”

Going from touring with his besties to being on the road by himself (and the backing band, of course) is bound to be a huge adjustment that Louis plans on easing into.

“I like creating normality [on the road], I just like to be sat with mates chatting, listening to music and then head out onto stage.”

He also gave me this lil tidbit about his travelling style, which should come as no surprise to the die-hards.

“I’m notoriously a really bad packer, I always leave with not enough clothes and not enough things that I need.”

But while he’s often short a pair of sneakers or a sweater or two, he always makes sure to pack the essentials.

“I like to take tea bags with me on tour. You can’t get a good cup of tea everywhere so it’s important to travel with your own.”

Which prompts me to ask about his thoughts on our tea Down Under.

“It’s good, yeah! It’s good,” he assures me.

So now that we’ve discussed what 2020 will look like for him (including starting his sophomore album in the second half of the year!), along with his highlights from the last decade, I’m eager to know what his plans are for the next decade.

Brace yourselves for the response…

“Fucking hell, I’m not that good at thinking far ahead,” he immediately quips. Legit, there’s nothing I love more than when celebs drop an F word in an interview. It shows that they’re not doing the super-polished, media-trained thing and they’re happy just being themselves.

Frankly, if Louis didn’t swear in the interview, I would’ve been convinced that he’d been abducted by aliens and replaced with a cyborg. But you’ll be happy to know that in our nine-minute convo, he swore a grand total of three times which is a great score, IMO.

But anyway, back to the question at hand.

“Hopefully still making music, still making albums. My intention is to get better as a songwriter with every album, so hopefully still making music and still touring.”

We wrap up our good old chinwag with a message to his fans, particularly the Aussies who he’ll finally be treating to his angel voice when he plays the Big Top in Sydney and the Palais Theatre in Melbourne in April.

“Massive thank you for your patience and your support. I’m so excited to release the album. I’m as excited, if not more, to come and see everyone on tour so thanks for your love and I’ll see you on tour.”

Final tickets for Louis Tomlinson’s debut Australian tour are available now via livenation.com.au.

SAT APR 25 – BIG TOP, SYDNEY

MON APR 27 – PALAIS THEATRE, MELBOURNE

[lavieenprose]

on being ill

“On Being Ill” isn’t just making a case for illness as a literary subject, but for the brute, bare fact of the body itself. By insisting we acknowledge that we sweat and crave and itch all day (“all day, all night”), Woolf reminds us we have the right to speak about these things—to make them lyric and epic—and that we should seek a language that honors them. The man who suffers a migraine, she writes, is “forced to coin words himself, taking his pain in one hand and a lump of pure sound in the other.” What does it sound like, this strange, unholy language of nerves and excretions? How do we articulate the kind of pain that refuses language? We throw up our hands, or we hurl our charts: one through ten, bad to worse, from the smiley face to its wretched, frowning cousin.

Woolf’s argument may have been more urgent in her time than in ours—we have more records of the “daily drama of the body” now than we did then—but when I first read her battle cry, her call to arms (not just arms but legs and teeth and bones), it felt like encountering a long-lost relative: the banner I’d never known I’d always been fighting under: Bodies matter—we can’t escape them—they’re full of stories—how do we tell them? Her argument might have the urgency of a battle cry but it’s also vulnerable; it’s posing questions; it’s got mess and nerve—it’s leaking some strange fluid from beneath its garments, hard to tell in the twilight, maybe pus or tears or blood. Even her syntax feels bodily—full of curves and joints and twists, shifting and stretching the skin of her sentences.

People have often told me my own writing seems to be all about bodies. A woman from a writing workshop once suggested I call my collection of stories Body Issues. (I didn’t have a collection of stories: If I did, I wouldn’t have called it that.) But I’ve never wanted to write about “the body,” by which I mean I’ve never set out with that explicit intention; I’ve only ever wanted to write about what it feels like to be alive, and it turns out being alive is always about being in a body. We’re never not in bodies: that’s just our fate and our assignment. (In her beautiful memoir The Two Kinds of Decay, Sarah Manguso writes that she despises “the body” whenever it describes anything but a corpse, and I love that, though I use the phrase constantly anyway.) To my mind, the more aggressive choice is writing that isn’t physical; this insistence carries the burden of intentional absence.

All that said, I’ve always felt a certain shame about the ways my writing keeps coming back to bodies, which is why I loved finding Woolf. My shame felt such relief at the prospect of her company. My first novel was all about addiction and eating disorders and sex, and there was food everywhere, some of it gone rotten. I used the word “sweat” too many times (my editor told me); there were too many fluids (my editor told me) and far too many bruises (my editor told me) and even worse, too many of these bruises were “plum-colored”—for this last one (my editor told me), we would both get mocked, if we didn’t get rid of some of these plum-colored bruises right away. A certain shame hung over the whole narrative, like a faint body odor I couldn’t smell because it was mine: There was too much body, and this too-much-body risked banality and melodrama at once. I’ve always wondered if this shame about writing about the body is connected to the shame of quasi-autobiographical writing, that sense of failing to imagine beyond one’s own experience. Is writing about bodily experience somehow the extreme form of this failure, the ultimate solipsism? You haven’t even gotten beyond your own nerve endings; it’s no accident they call it navel gazing.

I often think of an old painting I once saw that shows an injured body pointing at its own open wounds. The most graceful victim, of course, is the one who doesn’t need to point at his holes or ask for sympathy—who doesn’t take up the lump of pure sound, who just keeps quiet. The way I imagine being scolded goes something like this: There’s something selfish about talking about bodies too much if the bodily experience fueling everything is your own.

I often think, also, of a cross-country race I ran in 10th grade: I tripped on a slab of concrete sticking up from the dirt, about a hundred meters after the start, when the pack was still dense; and I was trampled by the horde of 15-year-old girls running behind me. It was pretty minor, as tramplings go. But still, it was a trampling. I got up to run the next three miles of the race but I was shaken up and bleeding. I wasn’t running well at all—nothing close to what I’d need to do to place well for our team.

When I reached my coach, who was calling out our one-mile splits, she said something to the effect of “Why are you running so slow?”—only perhaps not so delicately phrased. I remember the awkward way I tried to point at my own wounds without slowing my (turtle) pace; and I remember how badly I wanted her to see the streaks of dirt-clotted blood; I almost stumbled again in my urgent need to show her the proof of my stumbling.

That memory has become the vessel for a certain kind of shame—the shame of pointing too overtly at what hurts, jamming the laser-pointer of language at some wound and then expecting it to yield wisdom or explanation. My coach didn’t want the epic or lyric account of my damaged body, she just wanted me to keep running, and hopefully pick up the pace.

I’m still haunted by the specter of myself in this moment—a mute form pointing, bleeding. A few years after that race I spent a couple months actually mute: I’d gotten jaw surgery and they’d wired my jaw shut to help it heal. During those months I wrote quite frequently but it was mainly practical, because I couldn’t talk. I requested things by scribbling them in a little notebook: vicodin, please; okay ensure (my mom was always foisting Ensure on me), but are there any cans of dark chocolate left? HATE butter pecan. I asked for sheets draped over the mirrors, so I wouldn’t see my swollen face; I asked for the pair of scissors that I was supposed to keep on-hand in case I vomited and needed to cut the wires between my teeth.

Eventually I started writing poems about those quiet weeks, and the surgery before them, the days in the hospital. The poems were full of IV lines and numbness and feeling returning after numbness like water oozing back into crab holes in damp sand (“crackling lines of hurt,” I wrote). I imagined myself the bard of swelling; I wanted to write toothache lyrics for swelling—to evoke the chronic panic of its deforming sculptural practice: it shapes you into something like you, but not you. I wanted to bring that aching knowledge to my nonexistent reading public.

I turned the poems into a series and then I turned them in to my undergraduate writing workshop. The series was called “Waiting Room,” meaning the waiting room before surgery but also the injury afterward as a waiting room—get it?—the aftermath as the cramped little chamber where you wait to get better; where you have to keep waiting even once it seems like you should already be there.

I wasn’t satisfied with the poems. Pain was hard to describe. I encountered Elaine Scarry’s famous formulation—“pain does not simply resist language but actively destroys it”—which recognized but did not solve the problem. My workshop wasn’t satisfied with the poems either. Everyone wanted to know: What were they about? I thought it was pretty fucking self-evident, but no, it was a different problem: My classmates got that these poems were about pain and injury—maybe in a dental office?—but what were they really about? My workshop was thinking everything must be a metaphor for something else: the cut lines on raw gums, the self-quieting sparkle of anesthesia. But in truth, nothing was a metaphor for anything. It was more or less this happened, and it hurt. There was nothing below the surface.

At the time I took this as a verdict of poverty and lack—which is why I loved finding Woolf, so many years later, who seemed to be saying, the surface of the body isn’t poverty; it isn’t lack. She rose from the dead for the express purpose of silencing that workshop, or at least arguing against the notion that there had to be something besides bodies for these poems to matter. She was saying the surface is poetry; bodies are poetry; or poetry can be made of what these bodies need and crave and bleed and feel.

I felt her summoning an army, everyone I’d ever read whose language does some justice to the way our bodies are, the ways they betray us or bind us together: Walt Whitman’s greed to catalogue the physical forms of his countrymen, William Faulkner’s fixation on muddy drawers and the waft of honeysuckle; Marcel Merleau-Ponty’s insistence on the body as an “eloquent relic of existence.”

Woolf writes: “It is not only a new language that we need, more primitive, more sensual, more obscene, but a new hierarchy of the passions; love must be deposed in favour of a temperature of 104; jealousy give place to the pangs of sciatica.” I can see the way these marching orders have infected my own prose—even this piece, with its twisting, bodily contortions—and the way they’ve helped me claim a dialect I’d been afraid was junk, a ledger of the body’s travails, not the “Waiting Room” poems (which weren’t really that great) but the notebooks I kept when my jaw was wired silent, full of their banal complaints and requests: Vicodin, please. Where are the vomit scissors? These are daily dramas of the body, charged with force and longing; the record Woolf never found, the words that pain and pure sound made.

[sparrowsabre7]

Ok, wow. The sticky gun is so much fun,being able to pinch cargo from MULEs is so satisfying, nearly came a cropper though when I was climbing down a long rope and a MULE stabbed me when I had JUST got on it, causing me a nasty plunge of about 30ft. Somewhat negated by the fact a few seconds later I tried to navigate a jump on a bike, got stuck in the small gap between the jump points, unable to dismount because I would fall to my death and a MULE helpful shock prodded me, sending me careening forward onto safe land.

Just reached Distro south and built another road. Such a sense of accomplishment. Now have the ability to build trucks so I have and they are MUCH more sensibly designed i.e. covered roof and cargo.

Made another road thanks to the massive truck bed, so impressed with this bad boy. Back at Lake Knot City in no time thanks to the almost complete highway.

Annoyingly Die-Hardman says Fragile is not well and unable to jump properly and is pouring in south distro. Would have been good to know while I was there but ok.

Hmm. Ok, just taken a new order and this shift motherfucker who is clearly Troy Baker in a hat has come to give me a package for Fragile and given that I know Troy Baker is Higgs this is probably a bad thing.

Yup. Package description is small thermonuclear weapon. Fuck. Given DH dropped the Fragile knowledge and Higgs clearly wants this to go to her I figure probably not a bad idea to check in at south distro en route to South Knot.

Oh Sam ffs did the thermonuclear weapon description not tip you off that it was bad news? I feel like you probably could have called it "mysterious package" or something instead, Kojima...

Jesus Christ, my truck got stuck and fucking MULE sticky gunned the nuke off my back, first ever mission failed... that sucks.

New attempt, ok, gonna drive round the MULEs instead and cut through only at the bridge, hit them with the truck if I can. Zoom zoom, over the bridge of Mars then yeet the nuke into tar, which is as absorbent of nuclear explosions as fridges are.

Sad flashback story time for Fragile now it seems about how she ended up destroyinga city with Higgs'nuke. Ugh, obligatory Kojima woman in tank top and pants scene, complete with male gaze upward pan and the dialogue framed from behind Fragile's ass instead of behind her head.

That being said the situation of forcing her to either save herself or run completely exposed through timefall to save the city is actually quite an interesting villain's conundrum.

Higgs creepily licks her and talks about how much she must love her face which feels like Kojima being autobiographical again.

Jesus this hard to watch, but I guess that's good. After the pervy start the actual run is largely shot as tragic aside from a buttcrack shot. Seeing her body age as she runs is as visually upsetting as thay scene in Looper where the dude's limbs disappear as his past self is hacked up.

After the interlude, she concludes she intends to kill Higgs for what he did and find out why he betrayed her, but only Sam is powerful enough to beat him. Unclear how, I guess because of his anti-BT blood. Anyway back to the main delivery.

God bless you lil truck, literally just passed the boundary into South Knot as the battery hit 1%. I have now spent a full 24hrs playing this game and I'm only about half done. Still having a blast though. Also just been given real weapons... bit suspect given the danger of killing people. Amelie just tried to talk to me on holo and got cut off, this is bad. Oh there's increased Chiral activity...even worse. Think I'll nap before investigating tbh.

Oh god oh fuck. Massive twister and whales are flying about and shit.

Ok holy shit, I feel like every bad choice Kojima has ever made can at least partially forgiven because seeing Mad Mikkelsen be pulled out of the mud of a WWI trench by a squad of skeletons is about the most electric thing I have seen in my life. So many questions though, he seemed connected to the four by a weird fiery fuse or umbilical cord and on his chest is a glowing orange plus sign, the same as the odradek made just before I got sucked up into the tornado.

Ok this is incredible, I in some weird netherworld war I now, this is so cool. Damn son all the aesthetic porn went into this, Mads, sorry "Combat Veteran" is sat in a spider web of barbed wire and baby dolls. Bryan Fuller eat your goddamn heart out. Mads smoking is borderline pornographic and I also don't think that's a WWII gun m8. Looks a bit fancy.

Argh, have to pause for now.