#this sounds fucking stupid ik
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Finally forcing myself to confront and do something that’s difficult for me
#this sounds fucking stupid ik#but I’ve been traumatized by blocking#(tldr someone used it to manipulate me and it has. stuck)#but im so fucking tired guys#i cant be friends with everyone#i cant have everyone like me#and its my job to keep us safe so#if you got blocked it might’ve been impersonal#or it might’ve been my way of telling you#‘go fuck yourself’#quillisms
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I'm ngl, I think the fine is worse to me than forced community service. Ik they're all rich as fuck but. 10,000 euro for accidentally swearing? 10k!?!?!?!?!?! It's just a word??????? Just a little fuck???? I cannot believe the stewards are dying on this stupid fucking hill, oh my god. The world's most elite sport swear jar
Can't even say fuck anymore, because of woke.
#thinking abt how back in my fav ers of f1#theyd try not to curse obviously bcs i mean its polite or whatever#but. seriously not a big deal if so#just say oops! and move on#bcs i really really do not understand who it affects#theyre in a room of adults. who is this fucking bothered???#its not like them saying it in some big event everyones gonna see#ik this sounds like im being overly dramatic#i just cannot stand this sanitization its really absurd to me#i think its fine if theyre like. please try not to curse thank you#okay!! totally!!! this is a professional environment i understand that#but 10k and a threat of 5k just for one accidental little fucking?#ITS SO UNBELIEVABLY DUMB#but yeah the community service also fucking stupid#but its also just forcing the individual to repent so whatever#theyre privileged as hell go scrub the track w a toothbrush or whatever it is they make you do#but 10k ....stupid#absurd amount of money for saying a word that literally harms no one#catie.rambling.txt#f1
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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Remember when the whole ordeal with s2 was that Ed was so heartbroken that Stede left him that he tried to get himself and the whole crew killed and then they got reunited within like 2 episodes and never spoke about anything of interest together and then that same Ed decided to ditch Stede after a couple of days because he wanted to catch fishes and that lasted half an episode before they got reunited again and the show ended on them leaving everyone to live in a simultaneously doomed to fail/happy ending inn and everyone was like wow good writing I can’t believe this could get canceled $10k billboard in times square
#I want to scream thinking about it#amongst other stupid writing choices regarding story and characters#the timeline is so fucked and I’ve only seen the season once ok don’t come at me with buhhh it was that long because idc#can’t believe you all hated Izzy in s1 for thinking that Ed was having another identity crisis when he literally behaves like this in canon#ofmd critical#not to sound like I’m only shitting on Ed because wtf was stedes deal also#not even gonna tell Ed what happened and why you didn’t come back at the end of s1#like they didn’t talk this season besides saying cliché ass romantic dialogue to each other#remember guys they’re a couple :)) and they kiss and say nice things to each other :))#cool do they have literally anything else going for them this season or#might turn on reblogs later i just wanted to rant in private for now jgjsjfn#honestly dont remember how much the board cost but ik it was a lot#i mustve blocked it out of my mind
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Hello my lovely followers I finally made a twitter account, @ soggedupfrog of course.. go follow me....if you even car...
#im new and im shy#Twitter is so scary#it was alr scary and then elon musk got ahold of it and now its MORE SCARY!!!#im never calling it X btw because it sounds fucking stupid 💀#only finally using it because I desperately need money and ik theres lot of artists on there who look for comms weeeee#gotta make a new comms post tho cause my style has change a bit#yap yap yap ok bye
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watching the world rly descend into fascism over the years is just so upsetting i dont even know how to process it
#uwu#like ik its not like the world was perfect before and in a lot of ways we've really progressed!#but in the last ~7 years it feels like things have gotten rly bad exponentially#which ik is probably a lot of reaction To all the progress thats been made#and ik we can fight it and come back i wont lose hope but idk if itll happen in my lifetime and its so disheartening to see#and thru it all i have to like. write essays work retail deal w personal issues etc#feels so pointless & stupid when it feels like the end is near & there are literally nazis and genocide and shit happenign#ik i sound like a dumb child and its much more complicated but why cant we all just be fucking nicies to eachother#.-.#globalization........sigh
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sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(
#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests...#theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man#it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing#eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED#and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself#by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others#it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless#ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!)#but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking#and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk#oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao#and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3#voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries#that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them#and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long#+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc#and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it#to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍#anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite#if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^)#.vent#.diaries
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i think abt that "don't turn yourself into a sad zoo animal" post a lot lately. helped me go outside multiple times in the past two days so that's definitely a step up from what i was doing to myself before that?
#sounds stupid ik. i can technically just open the door and Go Out anytime i want#but most summers i just. dont. and then fall hits and im busy again#and winters freezing and in spring it pours. weather up here sucks#so a lot of the time i just dont ever leave the house if i dont have somewhere to go#and admittedly it is really not good for me. i want to do better w that this summer#at least get out Most days its nice enough to do that even if i have to bribe myself lol#levi.txt#it actually makes my anxiety worse and not even in ways that make sense just in stupid ways#i am very pale. if i dont go out i practically fucking glow and then im so sure everyone is staring at me and im gonna burn etc etc
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as dissatisfied as I was with the aim to be a pokemon master miniseries i have to be grateful to it because it finally treated oshawott well
#i was still watching bw i believe and oh my god it was such a breath of fresh air to see him be treated well#like hes still goofy and gets into slapstick but it doesnt feel meanspirited at all#and the episodes resolution hinges on him and everyone thinking he's cool and imitating him#that was probably written by someone who either felt bad that they shat on oshawott so hard during best wishes#or someone new to the show who was upset that oshawott was treated so poorly that they decided to write a redemption episode#like. ill always be a little bitter that the show was so cruel to oshawott bc it was so weird and meanspirited#presumably just because someone on the staff really fucking hated that thing and wanted us to think it was stupid and annoying#ik ive said this before but thank goddddd they stopped picking a starter to bully by sun and moon#cause you KNOW they would have done it to popplio. you know good and well popplio would be getting jokes about how weak and dumb it is#theres a dark timeline out there where lana's eevee started beating the shit out of popplio and the show was begging you to laugh#''well that sounds extreme" except its NOT because thats LITERALLY the punchline with piplup in late dp#echoed voice
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psst for my stream regulars
How does the idea of me starting streams at like 1:30PM (EST) sound. i’ll still plan to run them to like 5:00PM (EST) but now its more definite it’ll actually end then opposed to accidentally going on until like. 7:30PM (EST)
Also im on mobile so i cant make a poll so you gotta let me know through like a comment or somethin ok ty
#snap chats#maybe end even sooner at like 4:50 idk point is how does this sound...#ik everyone shows up for the 3:30 time but im also wondering if 1 is just really too early for some people#maaaaybe 2 if not ???#reason for the time switch is that my moms starting to like. actually use our gym equipment now#and all of thats in the basement. Where I Hang Out#and she’s been getting home just a bit earlier nowadays so im tryig to play it safe#i dont want this arrangement to be permanent and if things go my way for once it shouldnt be#but just for now..#if its not alright then i’ll prob have to pause on streaming for a bit#not forever just. A Bit until i get some personal things sorted#‘personal things’ Wow So Im Not Oversharing For Once leave me ALONE its a complicated situation so we’re going with Personal Things#ok im gonna enjoy my walk. or try to#my therapist is making me take my blood pressure daily and yesterday it was like#149/107 or something and i was like ‘yeah i might as well have high blood pressure’#luckily. or unluckily to me i just took my blood pressure wrong#‘snap how the fuck do you manage that’ I Am Very Stupid. I Am An Idiot Even anyway i didnt know i had to sit POINT IS#took it today and it was actually a Normal reading but man it Would Not be unbelievable if i had HBP#when my dad was with my mom he had HBP all the time and as soon as he got out he was at a normal level... lol...#ok enough rambling bye#im lying I Had That bout myself cause theres a stereotype with filipinos#where bitches just Cannot Say Goodbye like fam will say ‘bye’ and talk another ten minutes and i keep proving it true ENOUGH#BYE FR THIS TIME PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW WE FEEL BOUT THIS TIME SHIFT
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btw controversial but fuckk ptsd dude yohre telling me judt bc my parents shouldnt ever have been parents now i have to be fucked up for the rest of my life .
#i know like..coping mechanisms and ris8ng above and learning to live with it but like its fucking stupid and unfair bc im never gonna stop#having ptsd yk. my episodes might get less frequent i might build happier memories but jm always gonna have these memory blocks and trigger#s and nightmares like. forever. im never gonna get to have had a normal childhood thats the most fuckedbup thing ever#like ik this is whiny but like. why. why me what did i do to deserve that childhood. not that any kid deserves abusive childhoods obviously#it sounds like im like ermmm there r wayyy worse kids who shouldve been the ones to go to the zoo 💀 but like ykwim. why does#thus have to happen to so many ppl i hate it i hate it. i wish i could just Actually forget everything instead of just like. not rly#remembering it but Knowing it..yk. i know everything that happened to me even if its all blocked out#and i still feel like. the effects of it even the stuff thats jncredibly hazy to me. and jm never not gojng to feel that. my personality hs#literally been fucking shaped by the childhood i have and like. yes you can 'change' your personality a bit and your choices blah blah blah#but like. even with that. im still always gonna be like. my first impulse will always be distrust and doubt and fear. even if i train#myself not to Act on those emotions i still will always feel them. im always going to expect people to leave even if they dont even if i#dont let myself push them away its something im always going to be terrified of in the back of my mind. im never gojng to have#proper social skills bc i fully missed out on that stage of development im never going to be like. at the same level as my peers bc i#missed out on those skills. sigh. ik ik ik feeljng inhuman and feeljng different from everybody else is a jniversal thing but i truly think#im like. im missing something that everybody else seems to have and i dont even know what it is but i know i dont have it and everyone#can tell j dont have it and it fucking. sucks . basically
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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kinda don't wanna go to the beach tomorrow aaararagh
#1 i'm trans. cmon. the joy of swimming has been stripped away from me#2 goin out w irls just makes me feel pathetic#like yeah it's kinda fun in the moment but when it's all done i realize that i'm only really there to enjoy food n bc i have nothing better#to do! i always feel super left out bc i'm not into the same shit as everyone else#they all be talkin abt shit i dunno abt so i kinda just.. shut up n sit there shgkdjf#3 thie fucking weather!!!!! two storms back to back!!!! i am Scared#4 idk man just. i am not in a beach mood rn#anyway wish me luckk gonna try to at least have a little fun#ik i make it sound dreadful but i do love my friends n they're pretty fun#i just really wish i could feel like i was a part of the Inner Circle yknow#fuck idk i feel stupid man it's like 12am
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dude don't even touch me cuz like im lowkey thinking sully wanting to be part of a polycule with chloe and cal and him being so gutpunched abt it when he heard abt their deaths omg gg g 😭🤧😭🤧
#DUDE#LISTEN IK IT SOUNDS STUPID AND IT IS TRUST ME IK IT IS#BUT HEAR ME OUT#ITS THE WAY THAT SULLY TRIES TO THE SAME THING TO CHLOE#BUT IT DOESNT WORK#AND HE BLAMES CAL FOR BEING SUCH A LOSER (AKA A GOOD GUY)#AND THEN HE SEES HOW LOVING THEY ARE TO EACH OTHER AND HES LIKE 🥺👉👈#AND THEN WHEN HE ACTUALLY GETS TO SPEND TIME WITH CAL#HE IS SO FUCKING AMAZED THAT HE MIGHT ACTUALLY LIKE THE GUY TOO#FDBAKSHAK#DONT TOUCH ME#IM BEING DUMB#blabber time#harper's island
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I think all the time about how Ocelot was only 20 in mgs3, like he went through all that being an adolescent!! Considering how his personality was at the time as well that’s a shit ton of pressure he put on himself
#and also Ik snake was also 19#but he was basically created for war so that’s to be expected#but it’s still wild#like no wonder they’re both so fucked up lmao#ocelot can’t even legally drink in the us like that’s fucking crazy#dude could be in COLLEGE#is this post stupid? probably#I just know some part of this is phrased in a way that makes me sound like a dumbass#mgs3#mgs3 ocelot#revolver ocelot#mgs ocelot#metal gear solid 3
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You know I talk a lot about how fandom doesn’t realize how fucking bigoted it is in every aspect bc they get turned on by gay men and go by sock and that means they’re progressive but it hit me when someone with a viktor pfp is in the comments getting gassed up (ha. You’ll see in a second) by other braindead bitches for saying piltover gassing (get it) the streets is not bad and is actually appropriate to do in order to find one person. Like how the fuck do you watch arcane and agree with the enforcers. How is the propoganda working for you when you’re looking at EVERY angle. I will sound insane if I connect this to common viewpoints on stuff irl and I do have enough tact not to do this however I will say it’s less surprise and more. Watching another dominoe fall after it wobbled for a few minutes. What the fuck
#it be two stupid ass bitches telling eachother exactlyyy or whatever#and like#I promise it’s gonna become a topic of convo in tiktok in like a month and I’m gonna come on here vindicated and pissed#but the second you realize the ppl around you are also in fandom and the attitude they take into their escapism is not so different from#their attitudes irl the patterns pattern guys#like if you ignore speak over and tone police black ppl and fandom ik what ur doing at that little rally u posted a pic of u attending#if you think black characters need to prove why they should exist in the same space as ur white faves#when u infantilize white characters and take their best moments and even traits (traits which are often actually from said black characters)#I know what the fuck you are#that’s disjointed as fuck but I promise u bro it’s like#anyways my point is#I was not surprised by the ‘Batman wouldn’t care who u voted for’ shit#same ppl arguing that Batman is actually a leftist king get all their comic info from a 40 yr old white woman that has 3 Duke posts on her#whole page says steph was too annoying to care about at 14 uses cass as a live in therapist for her faves and calls Damian feral#like idk man. maybe think#Uhm that’s all disjointed as fuck but it makes sense#or it will soon#Idk but like ppl are so mad at the keep politics out of booktok ppl and yeah#but do you know that’s what u sound like when u say there’s no racism in WFA or make up literal charts to prove why there’s more than enough#poc in batfam and Damián should actually be pale bc yadda yadda#do you know that you don’t start existing in a void when you put the book down and hop on Twitter#it’s also the way they didn’t even have to convince you of anything#oh back to arcane#Like they didn’t make an effort to show the enforcers were good or whatever#they literally just slapped a woman who’s been a little sad and immediately turned to bigotry on it#like ur making arguments and excuses FOR them that don’t exist#It’s like they didn’t even have to convince you they didn’t have to try just put someone you like as the figurehead and u start agreeing#with and defending pure ev-oooooohhhhh#LMAO THATS ALL SORRU
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