#this show makes me wanna go bonkers with colors

[koalchicine]

the dreamlands

[twisted-wonderland-shenanigans]

Twisted Monsterland: Messy Toddlers

Little kids can always cause a mess, whether it’s with paint, markers, food, or dirt and mud. It’s a fact of life, and while a hassle to clean up, it can be fun!

So what happens when you have a tiny human living amongst the monsters in Twisted Wonderland who tends to get messy? How about we take a look at some of the dorms and see!

//At Savanaclaw//

Mini!Yuu: *playing in a mud puddle, singing random things as they smoosh and stir the mud with their hands*

Grim: “What’cha doin’, Yuu?”

Mini!Yuu: “Makin’ mud pies for everyone!” *pulls out clumps of grass before sprinkling it over the mud pile* “Time to add the sprinkles~!”

Grim: “What a waste of perfectly good grass…”

Ruggie: *walking up to the two* “There you are, Bugaboo. What’cha playing with this time?”

Mini!Yuu: “I made a mud pie!” *scoops up the pile, globs falling onto their clothing as they hold it up to him* “Try some!”

Ruggie: “Oooh, looks pretty tasty.” *pretends to get a piece and chews, grinning as he gives a thumbs up*”"Mmm…perfect blend of flavors, though you might wanna ease up on the seasoning. Shishishishi~!”

Mini!Yuu: “Hooray!”

Ruggie: “Wouldja look at the time? It’s almost time for you to head back to the teachers, and you’re a mess.” *hoists them into his arms* “Come on, it’s bath time.”

//At Diasomnia//

Mini!Yuu: *playing with finger paints on a canvas*

Lilia: “I’ll be right back, little one. Silver? Would you keep an eye on the little one while I’m gone?”

Silver: “Of course, father.”

*ten minutes later*

Lilia: “I’m back.” *pauses before snorting, smiling at the sight of Silver asleep on the couch with paint on his face and tusks* “My, my. Had I known you needed a bigger canvas, I could have gotten a white tarp for the floor.” *glances over at Malleus before bursting out laughing* “Oh! It looks like you two are having fun.”

Malleus: *sitting nearby with mini!Yuu standing on his lap, painting his horns with bright colorful flowers* “The Child of Man wished to do face painting.”

Mini!Yuu: *has paint on their face that looks like scales and sticky fake stones on their forehead like Malleus’* “I’m making Mr. Horns feel pretty!”

Lilia: “So you are, little one. And what are you supposed to be?”

Mini!Yuu: “Silver made me look like a dragon, just like Mr. Horns! Rawr!”

Lilia: “And a mighty little dragon you are~!”

//At Pomefiore//

Mini!Yuu: *scribbling on a wall in the hallway with a pen they found, singing a happy song as they’re drawing swirls*

Epel: *comes across Yuu and yelps* “Yuu, no! What are you doing?!”

Mini!Yuu: *startled* “Drawing?”

Epel: “Oh no…oh no, Vil is going to throw a fit if he sees this!”

Vil: “If I see…what?”

Epel: “Ack!?”

Rook: “Ooh, it looks like mon chou is showing their creative spirit!”

Mini!Yuu: *nervously looks between the wall and Vil’s stern stare* “Am…I in trouble?”

Vil: *hums for a moment before kneeling down, pulling out his own pen* “Your form is good, though perhaps we can add a little something to this one.”

Mini!Yuu: “What?”

Vil: “I’m thinking…leaves would be a good start.” *begins drawing, creating beautiful shapes following the swirl that get bigger and bigger* “What else should we add to it?”

Mini!Yuu: “Mmm…flowers!”

Vil: “Very well. Will you help me draw them?”

Epel: *staring wide eyed between them and Rook as the two continue drawing, leaning in to whisper to Rook* “Am…am I dreaming? Vil would have gone bonkers if any of us ruined the walls!”

Rook: “Ah, but why stifle the creativity of our little mon chu when they are clearly expressing their individuality? Even Roi du Poison sees the beauty in this.” *goes to kneel next to them, pulling out his own pen* “May I join in?”

Epel: “…huh.”

(Later, the art is still on the wall, a mix of child-like drawings mixed with elegant and fun pictures depicting rabbits, apples, and a peacock)

//At Heartslabyul//

Mini!Yuu: *sitting on a stool, watching Trey mixing dough into balls for bread and trying to mimic him with their own ball of dough*

Trey: “Oh, I need to get the butter out of the fridge. Sit tight, okay?” *dusts hands off and goes over to the fridge*

Mini!Yuu: *hums as they look at the one they’re working on* “Mmm…needs more flour!” *reaches for the bag of flour, trying to lift it up*

POMF!!

Mini!Yuu: *coughs as they’re covered in flour, the bag on the ground and the counter coated in flour*

Trey: “Huh?? Pfft…I should have known something like this would happen.” *reaches out to pat away some of the dusty flour* “Guess when we’re finished baking, it’s bath time again.”

//----------//

That’s all I can think of off the top of my head, but these are just some cute things that came to mind~

The Pomefiore part was actually based on this one post I came across, though I could only find the pictures. While I had initially thought of it happening at Heartslabyul or even Scarabia…I just got soft thinking of Vil indulging mini!Yuu and helping to create good art QvQ/)

[doll-book]

𝚖𝚢 𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚏𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚚𝚞𝚒𝚛𝚔𝚜…♡ (random sht i do when scripting / shifting (´ω｀★)

🍭 i always use my own first name in my drs, but switch up my nicknames (which sometimes dont sound anything like my real name). the reason for this is because if i can't have anything but memories from my dr in my cr, i'll bring something from my cr to my dr. hearing my s/o call me by the name my parents gave me would feel so intimate and personal, and makes it more special imo. it's the name i'm used to, whether it's aesthetically pleasing or not. i also feel that it'd help me adjust to my dr quicker after shifting in - because if i woke up in a whole different place with a whole different face and a completely new identity, i already know ill be going bonkers. hearing someone call my cr name will help calm me down, and i'll feel more in tune with my dr self.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.・。.・゜✭・.✫・゜・。.

🍭 i also use different last names that suit each dr; like for my rich/famous dr, i chose the last name celene-sinclair because it just feels expensive and it-girl like. for my princess dr, i chose bluebell because i have the power to grow flowers in that dr and bluebell blossoms are one of my favorites. in my florist dr (i have a thing for flower themed drs lmao) my last name is magnolia. in my bakery dr my last name is coco for the spice, etc etc etc! i really like embodying the vibe of the dr, which i talk more about in the next point.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.・。.・゜✭・.✫・゜・。.

🍭 i have a light case of synesthesia (tasting shapes, hearing colors etc) and it definitely affects the way i approach scripting. each of my drs has a highly specific color, theme, taste, and/or sound; and to be honest, i feel like this made meditating and hyperfocusing on my drs super easy. hearing a certain song immediately makes me think of a scenario i scripted, or helps me embody the person i am in that dr. because of these connections i make subconciously, i'm able to enter the void state pretty easily and experience intense symptoms. i have other mental blockages that have been stopping me from shifting thus far, but we're working through them! it's only a matter of time.. ヾ(`ヘ´)ﾉ

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.・。.・゜✭・.✫・゜・。.

🍭 one thing i'd like to add is: i feel like we all subconciously associate things in a similar way, whether you have synesthesia or not. my stance is that making connections to your dr through music / mood boards / colors / sounds / etc is super helpful, and helps you slip into your dr headspace in a much shorter amount of time. the connections you make literally become triggers, and once you shift for the first time, you'll likely be able to do so again if you use what triggered you previously.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.・。.・゜✭・.✫・゜・。.

🍭 i like categorizing my drs. why am i shifting here? what will i feel once i shift there? currently, i have pleasure drs, travel drs, different lifestyle drs, job drs, self care drs, comfort drs, and book/show drs. each one gives a diff vibe and i like having options when choosing where i wanna go at night lmao

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.・。.・゜✭・.✫・゜・。.

🍭 i never script in my irls, especially not my parents. it's not because i don't love them or anything like that, it's because i'm scared of growing too attached to my drs, and / or changing the relationship i have with that person in my cr. i love my mom so much, if i see her in any other reality i know i'll find it hard to consciously make the decision to leave. in a way, she's what's grounding me to my current reality, and my safe word is literally her name. i always script that my parents are never anyone i know personally. the same thing goes for close friends - if i see my best friend in my dr, how the hell am i supposed to leave? i cherish the memories i have with the people i know, and interacting with them in a new reality where we have completely different backgrounds and upbringings .. idk it'd be unsettling to me ( ╥_╥ ) it'd probably affect the way i interact with that person in my cr too. but that's just me!! if you feel differently you do you ganggg

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.・。.・゜✭・.✫・゜・。.

that's all!

kisses, pearl ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩‧₊

[shirogane-oushirou]

RO HAIIIII ILYSM /PL OMG UR ALWAYS SO NICE IN MY ART TAGS I CRY EVERY TIME ;-; AND I LOVE UR SHIPS SOOO MUCH AND UR ART IS SO BEAUTIFUL I ALWAYS WANNA EAT IT IT'S SO VIBRANT AND PRETTY

I LOVE YOUR ART, OFC I'M GONNA GUSH ABOUT IT!!!! >u< like i keep going back to it, but your religious vaiden illust makes me bonkers every time i look at it!!!!! it wakes up my inner "critique day" brain and i keep picking out little details that are like "/pointing/ THE SYMBOLISM. THE THEMING. THE COLORS. THE PATTERNS. THE COMPOSITION. TH--" and it makes me ill (positive).

EHEHEHEHE i love your ships sm too -- if i'm gonna be totally honest, your ships actually inspired me to make ren a little more possessive at points bc Man. Sometimes That Feels Nice Actually. ;w; i loooooove how devoted you are to all of your f/os and how devoted they all are to you, and they show that devotion in such different and interesting ways <333

and now im gonna go back to your art, bc if we're talking vibrant colors i want to eat??? omg????? i want to eat the hair of every character you draw kJNAKJSDNKJN the colors are so bright and deep and shiny and they look like forbidden candy kjnskjfnnkj, especially your novarika art + violet's hair :9

[canarypost]

pjo ep4. pacing is weird. it felt way too short which is weird bc the chimera and the arch was a MASSIVE thing in the book but at least they kept the ending w the naiad and him learning to breathe underwater. the scene of the three and echidna talking in the train was wayyy too long i was so bored. the fight scene w percy at the top of the arch was super fast i've noticed there is little to no actual action in this show like i wanted the cgi to go all out in the fight scenes but the minotaur fight was super super super dark and there was ZERO music which. wtf. and the clarisse fight was pretty good but this chimera scene was extremely lackluster like stop fucking talking. the chimera looked weird too i don't think there was enough color on it to differentiate the lion/goat/scorpion parts and it would've been really great to get a wide shot of the full form chimera + echidna so itd be really threatening. and there wasnt a lot of lore dropped w them either at least not like there was w medusa which is weird bc i thought they would've been setting a precedent w medusa and making every monster they encounter on their journey help us understand both greek mythology esp for people who havent read the books AND percy and his relationship w his parents. im hoping we get to see gabe being more of a dick on the news after this episode bc i really wanna see him more violent. make us hate him more yk. bc rn he's just pathetic.

but most importantly i've seen this thing go on with the entire show so far and it's that no one fucking talks like real people least of all the golden trio. stop saying "mother" and "father" no one fucking says that least of all these kids of single parents many of whom would rather pour chiron's horse shit into the campfire than show their godly parents the tiniest modicum of respect. no one has interjections like "um" "uh" or "like," no one says "bro" or "dude" not even between percy and grover which is completely absurd like i cannot understate how much it bothers me that we're only told that percy and grover have been friends for years bc if i didn't know better i'd say they've known each other as long as percy and annabeth have. not to mention annabeth's "she [thalia] fought valiantly" in ep3 which is so utterly bonkers annabeth isn't some kinda "old soul" she's a kid with neglectfully abusive parents (which we arent even shown the affects of!! she has to tell it to percy directly for some reason!!! this show has a massive problem with telling instead of showing) who's passionate about architecture and her godly parent. she's just a really fuckin smart kid. now that im typing it all out it's really not as big of a deal to me as the others but it's just fucking weird. but ig if u look at it from some specific angles it's in character. but whatever. i still love her to death for that candy scene in the gas station last episode

but going back to the dialogue thing percy and grover being dumb preteen boy best friends and calling each other "dude" and "bro" 1. shows us instead of just tells us that they've been friends for a long time, 2. has annabeth roll her eyes a bunch (a notable character trait) and shows us she's a little stuck up but more lonely than anything else, and then 3. gives the opportunity to endear percy and grover to annabeth so to not just grow the relationship between all three (golden trio!!! so important) but also the percy/annabeth slow burn AND the healing of the past grover/annabeth relationship which both of them are so so so guilty about. idk i think i need more one-on-one grover/annabeth scenes yet considering we haven't had A SINGLE ONE

last negative thing but the pool flashback at the beginning felt extremely ooc for sally. like i know how important it is for percy to learn to swim esp since he literally doesn't know who his dad is but she was being such a dick!!!! first of all ur kid is clearly more stressed out about swimming than u r about him NOT swimming and second of all it is totally unnecessary to be doing this in PUBLIC swim lessons. like u can see sally looking around at all the other parent/kid pairs like sorry ur worried about how u look to the fucking pool pta but ur kid is fucking terrified. give it another goddamn day give the kid a break. the real sally would never sally jackson i love you i love you i love you

what i DID like about this episode was the opening shot underwater, it reminded me a lot of the movie and controversial opinion but the show could actually use being quite a bit more like the movie bc it was actually pretty good even if it didnt follow the story whatsoever. i liked the shot of the centaurs on the train and i thought i also remembered that from the movie but i think i just remembered seeing the shot in my head when i was reading the book which is actually really impressive. the three getting into real world trouble w the cops is very accurate, percy sitting in the fountain while grover and annabeth splash him was funny, and i ESPECIALLY loved percy pulling a fast one on annabeth at the top of the arch i think it really shows off his self sacrificing nature imo better than him rushing the minotaur in ep1 bc we know his character better by now and we're more emotionally invested. and i really loved that they kept percy's way of learning he could breathe underwater + the naiad from poseidon

actually im not done being neg i really wish they would've kept "isn't that a kind of anteater?" and "prove your bloodline" which would lead to percy purposefully jumping off the arch instead of falling. idk it feels like we're slowwwlllyyy growing to see percy being percy bc im gonna be honest. rn he doesn't have much of a personality. where is persassy. bc i cant fuckin see him

anyway it was a fun episode if a bit slow. it had it's moments. im excited for waterland and the tunnel of looooove next week though :33

[gatalentan]

I’m dying at the fact that you’re giffing Life’s work! I’ve been looking everywhere for somewhere to watch it/download it without AZ Prime. I’ve only got like four random episodes saved but I wanna watch it all. Lisa is SO good. Anyways, when I make my own gifs, the colouring is poop. What is your secret?

It's so fucking funny, I'm so glad I finally watched it! The dialogue is absolutely fantastic. I listened to a podcast ep a few weeks ago that she featured on (on the podcast "You Might Know Her From..." I think?) and she was retelling all the production drama behind it that led to it being cancelled for, truly, no reason other than the new head of ABC being a fucking dickhead, and I could tell she was SO passionate about that show that it catapulted to the top of my to-watch pile. It's fantastic. How she never got more star-vehicles into the present day off the back of it, and why it took her this long to land Abbott, I don't know. Being in the UK I had to do some absolute fucking shenanigans to get ahold of it. If you're in the US or Canada (or have a friend who is who is willing to purchase it for you and let you access it via a vpn), you can purchase most of it on Apple TV, Amazon, Google Play, Youtube TV & VUDU. Unfortunately some are missing, I guess due to licensing problems? It's ~$30 for all the eps. https://www.justwatch.com/us/tv-show/lifes-work

I don't have a secret at all! My giffing tag is literally me learning as I go - I haven't been doing it very long, so you can see my progression in my giffing tag. Some of them are already quite embarrassing to me, lol. Just a lot of trial and error. I'm also colourblind, so I have to run things by people to make sure nothing looks absolutely bonkers when I'm recolouring. I did learn a fair bit from this tutorial initially, but if you search "gif coloring tutorial" here on Tumblr there's a lot of wonderful guides with step-by-steps. Figuring out how to do leveling/curves and use high-pass was my magic bullet, personally. But it's mostly just practise! I'm still figuring out what works and doesn't.

[dear-ao3]

🇺🇸🇺🇸its friday then its saturday sunday WHAT🇺🇸🇺🇸 🇺🇸🇺🇸ITS FRIDAY THEN ITS SATURDAY SUNDAY WHAT🇺🇸🇺🇸

what the fuck is a kilometer everyone! in case you couldn't tell, this week were in miami, florida, usa. shit hit the fan big time (probably cause its Florida), penalties were dished out, questionable guests were invited, history was certainly made, celebrations were beyond had and silly season was positively sillying. today is may 10th and lets stage dive right in. and trust me, youre gonna wanna read this one :)

please note: i think this is the longest one weve had so far. i hit the photo and video limit. i was terrified i was going to hit the line limit as well.

so. the miami race. its another sprint weekend. back to back sprints. who thought that was a good idea. idk. wasnt me.

this is only the third time there has been a race in miami. and miami has already made its mark. both of the previous times f1 has gone there there were batshit bonkers things happening. especially in 2022:

-lando and daniel did a whole bit with james corden, the very origin of this look:

-sebastian vettel protested the fia mandating (trying to mandate? im not sure) inspecting drivers underwear to make sure that it was fireproof by wearing underwear on top of his race suit. his logic was essentially, well were all adults here and we can make desisions for ourselves, the fia has other shit to worry about (look it up if you want the whole story)

-sir lewis hamilton protested the fia jewelry ban by showing up to the press conference wearing what seems to be every piece of jewelry he had on hand. at the time, he was getting fined for wearing a nose stud in the car while other people were wearing wedding rings (apparently) (there is more to this story, look it up if you want, for now tho were just using it to set the miami scene as a race that has never known peace)

and also, fernando alonso served massive amounts of cunt in miami back in 2004:

on account of the fact that it is florida, this is also where the weird sort of washed up celebrities usually appear (you know the ones who are not cool enough to make it to monaco but still somehow end up at a gp?) and there were definitely several of those. ill talk about them later. so anyway, like most races, miami is usually a trip.

now that the scene is set, lets get some lights on. prior to the race, we had a....wide variety of stuff happen.

and lets just start with lando. hes back being a pr menace again.

so lando is friends with this dj named martin garrix. he did that song animals that had clubs in a chokehold back in like 2014. anyway. he is dutch. this will play a role momentarily. lando has toured around with martin before, notably over winter break on his frat boy pose world tour that i mentioned a good many several updates ago.

so earlier this week was kings day in amsterdam. aka the kings birthday. and a good excuse to wear orange and party. lando likes to party and mclarens team color is orange (dont come for me i know its Technically papaya), and hes friends with a dutch dj. so kings day found him on a boat in amsterdam having a regular old Time. (slight flash warning)

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A post shared by Lando Norris ➍ (@4.norris)

anyway, brief tangent to say that one of the people he was on the boat with was none other than eva gutowski? the mylifeaseva youtuber? from like 2012? with the literally my life is beaches every single night, messy buns and christmas lights song? yeah not on my bingo board to see her, martin garrix and lando norris all partying on a boat in an amsterdam canal together, but cest la vie i suppose!

all was going well for lando until this photo started circulating:

turns out he did not break his nose, he somehow just managed to cut it on some smashed glass. presumably by smashing a glass into his face, as he later mimed to max during the drivers parade. thankfully that meant that he was going to be able to drive in miami!

his official statement to the press during media day was its "a little bit silly. looked a lot worse, everyone thought it was horrendous and it was just a little cut. I wish i had a cooler story, but sadly its not"

martin garrix later said that it was from a cup that had a chip on the rim and he took a sip from it and the rum cut his nose, but because of the placement it started bleeding a lot and they put bandaids on it and then someone mummied him with the gauze, someone else took a citure of it which went viral and everyone (including mclaren) saw it and thought that martin had broken his nose.

in a mclaren video that he did later on with oscar, he jokes that he had gotten a nose job.

aside from that, lando also went to the miami heat game. so did some other drivers (like pierre), but his teammate oscar also went.

you might be wondering oh thats nice, did they go together?

well. look at the comparison of where they were sitting:

lando has court side tickets and is dressed like a frat boy (complete with a nose bandage) and oscar is seemingly on the other side of the court about 10-15 rows up. i sincerely doubt the other knew they were going.

moving on from mclaren. we have mercedes.

for some reason, and i really could not tell you why, merc decided to create an emoji car on WhatsApp and premier it on the empire state building. yes, on it.

toto and lewis flipped the switch themselves, and it looked vaguely like a wedding photo or baby announcement or something equally insane.

lewis also got to drive on 5th avenue:

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A post shared by Empire State Building (@empirestatebldg)

aparently he was told by the mayor of new york to Not do doughnuts but well, hes lewis hamilton, and he did them anyway and said hey guys its not my fault that i had to do doughnuts its the Car's fault cause i cant really u turn in it

and side note, in case you are wondering, the marks from his doughnuts are still there (at least as of may 4 cause i marched my ass down 5th avenue when i was in the city this weekend and gazed upon them. would recommend)

reguardless of just how much lewis slayed though, the emoji car did look decently silly:

the mercedes social media admin, who are notoriously bonkers, also shitted on how shit the actual merc f1 car is by making their twitter bio to "home of the whatsapp emoji car"

george was notably nowhere to be found at the emoji car reveal in the city (i know hes in the photo, that was from the race weekend itself) worry not everyone, we will get to him later.

meanwhile, alpine.

in case you need a refresher, alpine are not doing too hot at all. theyre doing pretty bad actually. but, people own stake in the team. and one of those people happens to be travis kelce, football player for the kansas city chiefs and taylor swifts boyfriend.

idk why he owns stake in alpine, but he does. and leading up to the race, reportedly, he and taylor were going to be in the paddock at the alpine garage. this was all very much according to rumors, but it was rumored to be plausible because this would be the last weekend taylor has off before the next leg of the international eras tour starts.

why do we care if taylor is in the paddock?

well.

a decent chunk of fernando alonso's internet presence is entirely based around the insane omg hes dating taylor swift rumors. (he wasnt, but as we saw in the last update, the social media team can really get him to play into it) and wouldn't it just be hilarious if they were in the same place, but thwarted by estie bestie and pierre gasley??

taylor though did not end up in the paddock. but travis kelce did. but there will be a weird celebrities section later.

checo was asked aparently what taylor swift album was his favorite. he said that he was in his tortured poets department era because it was hot. i dont have a source for this one, y'all are just going to have to trust me that it actually happened.

yuki also shoved a bunch of footballs under his shirt on media day: (unfortunately i seem o have lost the link to this video)

and this weekend was logan's home race. technically, cause hes american, he has three home races, but since this one is in miami and hes grew up a hop skip and a jump away in fort lauderdale, this is the one that really counts for him. and they made him do some interesting pr including wearing a duracell sorts bra over a shirt to play soccer with a bunch of professional soccer players (idk who they are ok, sue me ig)

he also quizzed alex albon on america slang. but it wasnt really american slang, it was more like tiktok slang. reguardless, we got to hear logan stay stuff like pookie and no cap.

also. tom brady was in the Williams garage. he looked like he would murder for logan sargeant. (to be fair so dod jenson button)

and. on a more somber note. this weekend was also the 30th anniversary of ayrton senna's death. senna was a Brazilian driver in the 80s and 90s and won the championship in 88, 90 and 91. he died during a crash in the 1994 imola gp while racing for williams. (he was also not the only driver to die that weekend, with roland ratzenberger dying the previous say during the qualifying session). (again though this happened 30 years ago and i dont have time to talk about it on this post, if you want to know the full details of that entire very tragic weekend you can read about it here)

senna is famously known for the line "if you no longer go for a gap that exists you are no longer a racing driver." this will become relevant later.

sebastian vettel made an instagram announcement saying that he was going to be driving one of sennas cars at the imola gp this year in honor of ayrton sennas memory. why is he the one doing it? because im pretty sure he owns the car

aside from that. before we get into the really good juicy shit. we also had some new pet pics.

zhou posted some new pictures of his cat sweetcorn and charles's dog leo continues to serve lost in the sauce realness:

and we learned that valtteri has a reindeer named rosa

leo was also featured in charles's instagram post from miami and yes Technically this was from After the race but its my post and i can do what i want so heres leo:

he posted these photos, plus a few more on his instagram with the caption:

"he is very fast, he is very cool, he is very scary and very brave, he is everything. Leo 👑🤍"

which is just. heart melting. also his dog has a paddock pass?????

lance stroll has a new sponsor, its krown produce.

charles leclerc once again pulled up to the track in a fancy little sports car that was decked out in maimi ferrari blue and failed to park it

george russell nearly killed ed sheeran on a hot lap

and that of course takes us to the washed up celebrities. there were many famous people there but im just going to touch on the unholy trinity of (and yes i am being serious here) jake paul, james charles and the previous president of the united states of America.

now. while it is baffling that jake was in the ferrari garage (and seemingly a charles leclerc fan and also who on earth told him that beard looked good?) and understandably hilarious that max and checo clearly are scared of james charles, the trump thing is decently upsetting.

here, once again, is where i will interject my opinion.

should they have done this? fuck no. aside from what trump stands for (in case you are somehow unfamiliar, hes being tried for several crimes and also wants to destroy democracy and is trying to run for president again this year, to put it very very mildly he is controversial especially to americans and this was an american race) f1 is supposed to be a non political sport (a rule put in place by the fia following lewis hamilton and sebastian vettel speaking out for black lives matter and gay rights respectfully)

and mclaren did make a statement about this which said:

"mclaren is a non political organization however we recognize and respect the office of the president of the united states. so when the request was made to visit our garage on race day we accepted alongside the president of the fia and the ceos of liberty media and formula 1. we were honored that mcalren racing was chosen as the representative of f1 which gave us the opportunity to showcase the world class engineering that we bring to motorsport"

which makes it sound at least to me like this was not their idea to invite him and if the fia president is saying hey this guys coming to your garage you cant really exactly say no to him (should they have fought it? yes. mclaren might be a british team but zak brown is american and he also follows trump on instagram so at the very least he Definitely knew what message this would send if no one else did)

lando was asked about his presence and im not going to quote his response here cause simply i dont want to take up more space writing about trump than i need to. but i will say that he looked uncomfortable during the question (which also shouldnt have been allowed to be asked in the first place) and at the end he kind of looks at Charles and shrugs like "idk man" and yes his response is not worded very well and im not saying that he supports trump, im also not saying he doesnt. i dont know the guy. but i would like to take this moment to remind everyone of a few years ago when lando did defend lewis on social media and called out people who were being racist towards him and remind everyone that he was one of very few drivers to kneel at a race in support of black lives matter. not everyone participated and also not everyone of those participants kneeled. so do with this information what you will. if you want to see his response it can be found here

but obviously, we are all here for the racing. so lets get into it.

miami saw two special liveries.

rb dropped their livery with zero lead up and pretty much as a total surprise. it fucking slayed:

on instagram someone asked why they didnt hype it. the vcarb admin responded with "no need to hype when you can COOK! 🧑‍🍳"

this was definitely a dig at ferrari who also did a special miami livery that they hyped up to no end. like seriously, it was stupidly drawn out. china had barely ended and they were like hey. psst. hey guys. to distract you all from the fact that this was the first time all season we haven't been on the podium we've got a little secret. were bringing back the blue for the miami race!

and everyone was like huh?! theyre going blue!!! how cool!!!

and it did seem like it would be cool. they revealed the suits first:

and then they talked relentlessly about the two colors they were using and how important they are to historical ferrari and blah blah blah

and then carlos and charles did special edition blue helmets and we were all like ok ok its serious omg its real ok this is going to be like dinoco lightning McQueen!

and then. they revealed this: (please imagine that one dan howell womp boat noise esque sound effect here)

which is just. a disappointment. really. the blue looks kind of gray. we could have had it all but we lost it.

and will buxton, who i have talked about before hes one of the sky sports presenters, had this to say about the whole blue car ordeal, which is just so real of him:

"ferrari have been teasing this livery for ages oOooOooo its gonna be blue!!! going back to north america! in 1964 ferrari ran a... well not to get too complicated but they ran a blue and white livery in north america, mainly because they were upset with the italian federation and the fia who failed to validate one of their sports cars... ANYWAY so they ran a blue and white car, ferrari have decided to may homage to the history by....not doing that kind of a livery at all. just...chucking on some light blue and some other blue. bit of a mish mash hodge podge weirdness that doesnt really work. BUT the overalls look Amazing. the shirts look Amazing. im not a fan of the car livery, i just think its a Mess. its a Mess, like you could have done something Classic and Beautiful kinda like that *gestures to his shoes* blue and white!"

will buxton, everyone!! and before you ask, yes that is exactly how he speaks. you can watch that clip here if you dont believe me.

and you might be noticing one or two or eight or actually 15 hp logos on that car. (personally i think they did blue for the hp not for north america but thats just me) and that is because hp is now a title sponsor of ferrari. they are now scuderia ferrari hp. and yes, the hp logo on the suits makes it look like they are telletubbies and yes everyone in italy is like hello Why did we do this and for those answers we will have to get straight into silly season

now. silly season has officially started. i know everyone was like oh it wont Really Start until merc decide whos got the second seat. well throw that straight out the window like a snake in a bag cause theres a new contender in town:

adrian newey.

we've talked about him before. hes the chief technical officer of red bull racing. hes a very good car designer and aerodynamicist.

how good is he? you might be asking. allow me to enlighten you:

newey joined williams in 1991. in 1992 they won the constructors championship. they won again in 1993 and 1994. and 1996 and 1997.

newey joined mclaren in 1997. in 1998 they won the constructors championship and in 1999 they won the drivers.

newey joined red bull in 2006. red bull won the constructors championship in 2010. and again in 2011, 2012 and 2013. then again in 2021 (drivers only, not constructors), 2022 and 2023.

he has helped to build 14 championship winning cars. soon to be 15 if max wins this season again.

well! mr newey has decided that he has had enough of the weird red bull politics (reportedly he didnt like how the assault thing got swept under the rug and largely ignored and tbh good for him) and he has announced that he is leaving red bull at the end of the year.

despite the fact that it really seems like newey is leaving Because of christian (at least somewhat indirectly), christian had this to say about him:

"for me, when adrian joined red bull, he was already a superstar designer. two decades and 13 championships later he leaves as a true legend. he is also my friend and someone i will be eternally grateful to for everything he brought to our partnership. all of our greatest moments from the past 20 years have come with adrian's hand on the technical tiller. the legacy he leaves behind will echo through the halls of milton keynes and the rb17 track car will be a fitting testament and legacy to his time with us."

horner did claim that this was "coming for some time" and was not a result of tensions at red bull

now thats all fine and dandy and slightly ironic but where is newey going?

the short answer is, we dont know!

the long answer is that there have been rumors that he has talked to basically every team on the grid. there is also speculation that he will retire. but the rumors about this are kinda funny and literally every day someone is claiming something different.

at the start, we knew it was likely going to be aston martin or ferrari signing him. but now seemingly everyone has talked to him.

important to note that theres a whole lot of clauses and technicalities on him signing with another team because of how the cars are built and when they are built. originally it was proposed that he would not be able to work on a car until 2027, but it seems that red bull agreed to an exit that allows him to join a rival team as soon as he departs red bull in early 2025.

so who wants him?

-reportedly lawrence stroll wanted him to sign with aston martin. i haven't heard anything about this in awhile but aparently they asked fernando Alonso about this this weekend. newey had said before that he would like to work with fernando. i cant find the link but i think that newey previously said that he doesnt like lawrence stroll

-toto wolff is desperately trying to get his grubby little hands on adrian and at this point its so funny. aparently adrian doesnt want to work with toto cause he also doesnt like him and he also doesnt want to work with the team in a post lewis state (rip) and he thinks it might take merc too long to get back on top and after a long time at red bull, he doesnt want to be with a team that long again. this has not stopped toto from trying to sign him tho. its still rumored that newey might be talking to merc after the miami race.

-williams aparently has also talked to mr newey. its no secret that williams absolutely suck right now. so they need all the help they can get. which is essentially what james vowels said about talking to newey: "I think we as Williams have a huge amount of work to do. Adrian or not, our task is enormous -- and Adrian wouldn't make it easier, but that's the whole point." he said that discussions with adrian have been "light" but there still have been discussions

-zak brown of mclaren has also talked about how he is "not surprised" that newey decided to leave red bull at all and thinks it is in fact because of christian (aparently lots of people have left red bull to go to other teams) and he has seen an "increase in cvs" coming from red bull employees at mclaren. (its also implied that zak thinks this might cause red bull to eventually leave the grid, remember that they are just an energy drink company after all) it doesnt Seem like mclaren have been talking about signing newey, but whos to really say at this point (toto wolff also agrees with zak on increase in cvs and was quoted as saying "zak is absolutely correct, we are seeing red bull cv's though all the levels" and then horner clapped back with a statement that toto should be more worried since red bull poached "over 200 staff from the mercedes engine department"

-there was also weird hinting about newey from stake??? of all teams??? in the form of this instagram video that they posted which unfortunately i cant insert in here cause i have more important videos that take precedence but from what i van understand its a video of several stake employees doing tests very very distractedly to an audio from the kardashians dishing tea and dirt, with the caption "Us when there’s Adrian Newey rumours in the paddock 👀" (red bull commented on this video with " Everyone is an Adrian Newey fan 💁"

-also pierre gasley posted an instagram photo in his miami dump with newey. which is interesting timing.

-there is also the chance that he could retire. newey said, in response to lewis and charles complimenting him "im very flattered by their words, at the moment I just want to take a break. we'll see..." and a reporter (dont know how reliable this reporter is) named jeremy clarkson from the sun said "late last year, newey started working on a new sailing boat. and as hes now 65 years old, who knows? he might just decide to be better off and spend the autumn of his years sailing around the world in that"

-and the last people we know who are really Interested are ferrari. and this is an interesting one. from an outside perspective, it seems like ferrari have the best chance. they have reportedly offered newey a contract of 100 million euros for four years and there have been rumors that fred vasseur has met with him in london. and even other rumors that he is actually going to ferrari. newey has also said that he wishes he had worked with lewis hamilton during his career, and that happens to be where lewis is going next year.

but when looking at ferrari, we need to consider something else. the hp sponsor.

now. this is all speculation. it is also mostly all my own personal speculation, but i needed to include it so forgive me.

people have been speculating and wondering why ferrari would accept a title sponsor. they have had them before with Marlboro, and mission winnow. and now we have hp. but there were a few years in the middle of mission winnow and hp where there was no title sponsor. now they have one and they are scuderia ferrari hp.

this is interesting. especially when you consider that hp is rumored to be covering "about 66% of the teams budget cap."

this is estimated to be about the same amount of money as red bulls oracle title sponsorship, which is 90 million a year, roughly.

now. come with me down the rabbit hole for a moment. i invite you in.

lets first look at the facts. ferrari announced lewis would be driving for them in 2025 on feb 1, 2024. but we know the contract was signed sometime in january and the talks must have predated that. reportedly, theyre paying lewis a whole fucking lot.

but! i dont think they would have promised to pay him money that they didnt have. hence, i dont think that the hp sponsorship was signed to afford lewis. also, again this was back in january and its now may.

the horner situation blew up inearly february, right after it was announced that lewis had signed with ferrari. and yes there had been some speculation that newey was leaving the team before then, but then it became more official, with newey only making it known it was a real possibility within the last month.

i propose that ferrari had only planned to sign lewis initially and they had the money for it, hence why they did it. but as soon as it became clear that newey was also on the table (which again, wasnt until recently) that must have sparked the search for a title sponsor. (again, i know these things take time, but i really dont think this was a thing pre lewis contract)

so. im thinking that ferrari partnered with hp to help them afford newey.

and! if you doubt me!!! look at what lewis had to say at the press conference this weekend!!!

"id love to work with him in the future, he'd absolutely be at the top of [the list]"

like LOOK at that SMIRK. he knows things. we've seen this smirk before. when he was signing with ferrari. im telling you all. 8th world drivers championship for lewis. its coming. its happening. i feel it in my toes.

anyway, back to what's really going on and not just my unadulterated opinion.

silly season.

our next driver contract was signed. and it was nico hulkenberg for audi. now audi will not be an official team until 2026 (they are replacing stake) so. this means three things:

there is now an open seat at haas for someone new to enter the team (likely for ollie bearman, who is already a reserve driver, will have 6 practice sessions with haas and replaced carlos in saudi) (kevin magnussen was asked what he thought about this and he said "i’m not really here to take care of young kids, you know? I do that at home...so, hopefully, the guy we have in the car will be competent, professional, and consistent like Nico has been, and we’ll see if I’ll be in the other car."

since nico is singing at sauber for 2025 and its understood that he technically singed with Audi so, this means he has at minimum a 2 year contract

either valtteri or zhou will lose their sauber seat to nico hulkenberg

as people online pointed out this has massive parallels to 2013 when lewis hamilton joined a new team, nico hulkenberg joined sauber, there was a massive regulation change for the nest year and it was the fourth season of red bull dominance. of course, 2013 was also the last year of the red bull dominance before it got passed off to merc. so does that mean .... red bull will lose their dominance in the rrew 2026 regulation changes without newey??? will history once again repeat????

valtteri said that he is "speaking to multiple teams. some talks have advanced more than the others"

also talking to audi, we know, was carlos sainz. reportedly audi offered him a fuckton of money. and also reportedly, carlos has rejected the offer. he seems to be holding out for merc or red bull. but there have been several statements from people at audi that carlos is still their prime target. dont know how accurate that actually is.

yuki tsunoda is reportedly on audis short list of drivers. we will see if he gets offered something now that carlos has reportedly rejected audis offer.

carlos is still unemployed.

and what of max verstappen?

well. he seems generally unbothered. despite the fact that toto is still actively trying to recruit him.

he is supposed to have a conversation with mercedes on monday (may 6) about moving to merc. they reportedly want to offer max a ridiculously high salary. (for context, i think max is making around 55 million USD per year now and is (likely) the highest paid driver) (this does not include money from sponsorships either)

what the number is is disputed. some reports say 160 million USD. some day 270 million USD. whatever the real number is, it is high. theres also rumors that they would bring in helmet marko for him.

heres what max had to say earlier this week:

"250 million euros? no. im happy with what im earningg already. if youre driving for p5 or p6, you get quite grumpy. its always about performances at the end of the day, everyone knows that and toto knows that."

essentially. he doesnt care if hes making a shit ton of money and loosing when he could be making a bit less of a shitton of money and winning. worth pointing out, we really dont know anything because toto said this earlier this week as well:

"people make up meetings, make up what's happening with the drivers but those things should be behind closed doors and everything thats been out there was not really the right thing."

christian horner, of course, had a response to all of this. because he cannot resist a good cat fight with toto wolff:

"why on earth would you want to leave [red bull]? mercedes are the third team, behind their customers at the moment. i dont think toto's problems are his drivers. his time would be better spent perhaps focusing on [mercedes] rather than the driver market"

and hes right about some of it. but also there are plenty of good reasons to leave red bull given what happened earlier this year and the power dynamic theyre stuck in, as we have seen many people doing (reportedly via zak brown) including adrian newey.

and, you might be wondering, didnt merc want to sign kimi antonelli at one point? and you are right. and funny you should mention him.

he did a test drive of the 2022 (? might have been 2021 ive seen conflicting reports) merc car i think it was just before chinese gp. and his one lap time record was a 1:21.00. people have compared this to george russells personal fastest lap in the 2022 car which was in imola and was a 1:20.962. now theres a lot that goes into a lap and these were on two different tracks and track conditions were different and all that. not to mention that in imola when george did that lap it was sorta wet ish and the fuel loads were different and a million other things. it is still though impressive.

(but lets remember when daniel tested the red bull last year before he replaced de vries he was a tenth off max verstappen and now hes struggling for points so)

now. there are also rampant rumors that kimi is going to replace logan sargeant for the imola gp. which is the race after miami. the rumors speculate that merc is going to loan kimi to Williams (remember they all have the same engines so this isn't unheard of) for 2024 and 2025 and then have kimi join merc in 2026.

this is unlikely, but then the fia reportedly received a request to allow kimi his super license, which they would need to get special permission for because he is under 18 until august 25. reportedly, both toto and james vowels denied that they made this request. which is interesting. well, it was explicitly denied by toto, james just said that kimi would not be racing for williams at imola.

james vowels, williams team principal, was asked about this possibility on media days and he said that logan would not be replaced:

"lets put it this way. I haven't spoken to kimi since abu dhabi last year. hopefully that puts it in context, i knoe nothing about what's going on. with mercedes tests right now. we are looking, as everyone else is, for where we wanna be on driver line up for next year. sane we have our own young driver program. in the case of kimi, i cant really adjudicate the level hes at. in case of him coming into the car this year, ive always said from the beginning its a meritocracy, logan has to earn his seat and at the moment he has sone tough targets where he was to get much closer to alex but there was nothing on the radar at the moment for replacing him."

now, its already regarded that williams wrecked logans career by taking him out of f2 before he was ready (he was supposed to have another year in f2) so it would be bad for them to wreck two peoples careers in a row.

nico rosberg had something to say on the matter of kimi last week:

"antonelli is definitely a superstar of the future, but unfortunately timing wise its really too early for him, and especially too early for toto to be able to make a decision. i mean, he needs to wait until somewhat later in the year as we see how antonelli does in f2 also, because he does need a really strong season in f2 to even make it a possibility for him to go straight to mercedes"

cause remember, merc doesnt usually sign rookies. actually they never have. they've only ever had michael schumacher, nico rosberg, sir lewis hamilton, valtteri bottas and george russell drive for them. nico, valtteri and george were previously at williams, lewis came in already a world champion from mclaren with one of the strongest rookie seasons in f1 history and michael schumacher was, well, michael fucking schumacher. no rookies to be seen.

aside from all that. theres some rumors that gunther steiner wants to take over the vcarb team with investors. and that hes suing haas for essentially not paying him.

now. ive already said a million times on this post that lando and oscar are perpetually unbothered by silly season in the funniest way possible. but now we have two new contenders for that spot: our friends the mercedes drivers.

that is right! sir lewis hamilton couldnt give less of a fucking shit this year. maybe its cause he finally knows that hes going to be free of the absolutely ass mercedes car after this year and have a decent and real shot at winning again next year at ferrari, esp if they're going to sign adrian newey.

well. at the beginning of the season he was giving no shits and signing ferrari caps left right and center. then, aparently mercedes pr yelled at him for this, and hes now only allowed to sign mercedes hats only. video link to this is here. this has not stopped lewis. he now wears a bracelet that says "forza ferrari"

he was also tits out pretty much all weekend, which is not unusual, but its good to see him slay:

and then we have george russell.

george, as we know, will be staying at mercedes for 2025. and as we also know, the mercedes second seat is a hot item in the paddock. Everyone has been speculated to be going to mercedes. from max to carlos to kimi to even esteban ocon. toto is reportedly trying to spend over a hundred million dollars on getting a second driver and trying to sign adrian newey. the current car is a shit box.

and what, pray tell, is george up to in all of this???

hes chilling, tits out, on a beach:

not an absolute care in the world.

but. with all this in mind. with all of that in mind. lets dive into practice 1.

i didnt actually watch practice 1, but my sister did and she sent me some notes.

the most interesting thing to happen at practice 1 was that charles went for a little spin on the track because his clutch decided to give up because his car overheated, resulting in a red flag. he did not restart the practice session and only did 3 laps in total. not great when you remember the next thing is a sprint qualifying session. also, he asked his engineer what he should do. and his engineer kinda ghosted him.

there were also a slew of upgrades on various cars.

pierre now has all the upgrades that esteban has (which is mostly a lighter chassis), mercedes had an upgrade as well, but everyone was really looking at mclaren.

mercedes also had upgrades. as we would see throughout the weekend, they basically did nothing.

mclaren pretty much revamped their whole car. lando had the full update and oscar had about half and would get the other half for imola (the next race). the update included changes to the:

front wing

front suspension

front corner

floor body

sidepod inlet

coke/engine cover

cooling louvres

rear suspension

rear corner

beam wing

all in all to say, it was a lot of upgrades. according to zak brown, oscar, who had half the upgrades, was running .2 seconds a lap slower than lando was on set up alone. despite this, oscar still took p2 in practice. only .105 seconds behind max verstappen. unfortunately, lando was tweaking the set up during practice and was not able to do a flying lap, so heading into the sprint qualifying we didnt know how fast the full upgrade package actually was. but given oscars pace, we could only assume that it was fast.

moving onto the sprint qualifying

first of all. it was hot. fucking hot as hell. this meant several things, the most important one being that the cars were going to absolutely eat the tires. the first two quarters of qualifying were all done on medium tires, so it wasnt as much of a problem, but the last quarter was done on softs (as per the rules) which were only good for one lap.

valtteri bottas had a new race engineer starting this race and at one point he failed to tell valtteri while he was changing some settings that oscar piastri was coming up behind him at full speed and the two of them nearly collided. but they did not. there was no contact between the two cars. valtteri did though get a three place grid penalty for the sprint race. later on, zak brown referred to the incident as a "alpha make turf war." i am not making this up i promise.

logan sargeant, everyones favorite poor little meow meow, was down in 20th at the end of q1 (but did managed to go fastest in the third sector of the track) and was thus knocked out. his teammate, alex albon, was up in p16 (and also knocked out). but!!! alex got his lap time deleted for violating track limits (literally he just drove over the whole chicane, didnt even bother to turn) which knocked him down to p20 and logan up to p19. it also meant that for the first time EVER logan had out qualified his teammate

despite this, he still called himself a dumb fuck over the radio and slammed his hand on his car

someone (maybe it was martin bundle?) was telling everyone that when he did a hot lap with george around the track earlier, george was telling him that there was one section of the track at turn 16 where the sponsor boards around the edge of the track turn into a darker purple and george was saying that it was harder to judge there where the wall was because of the color change. and the commentators deliberated over whether or not this could be a legit thing.

but then one by one, pretty much everyone rammed into the wall. including sir lewis hamilton who, according to martin brundle "made more mistakes in that sector than he used to in a season." he got out in q2.

and then all eyes were on george russell, who might just be able to save merc, but, he was running a little slower than he needed to be and crofty said "george russell might make it a double miserable day for mercedes and he did” and he was out in q2 as well. the camera cut to toto sitting in the garage and he looked Less Than Pleased. and then merc also got investigated for their pit crew not wearing their helmets when lewis came through the pit lane.

so heading into q3 there were a butt ton of pissed off drivers that were out. how do we know they were pissed off? well when they got out of the car and walked down the pit lane, they all still had their helmets on, which i believe it was one nico rosberg said once meant that they were pissed and didnt want to deal with the cameras.

but the 10 people who were still in were all sitting in their garages. waiting.

waiting for what? for the session to be half over so they could all go out and get in everyone else's way. because remember, they are all on soft tires and the soft tires are only good for one lap. everyone came out of the garages with about 4 minutes left. so everyone had one shot to get a good lap.

lando norris had been p1 in both of the previous rounds while he was on the medium tires, but now that he was on the soft tires he couldn't find the pace. or, perhaps it was that his tires were not warm enough, because he did manage to go fastest in the last sector of everyone.

which meant, of course, that max verstappen pulled out a p1. he was very surprised that he managed it because he had a screw up at one point where he lost time. upon being told that he was in fact in pole position he said "lol, what happened to the others? that was terrible! ill take it" in his post interview he as asked how his lap felt and he said "to be honest with you it felt pretty terrible" would this be an omen for max? idk lets find out!

most surprising out of everything was daniel ricciardo managing to get p4. not only did he out qualify his teammate, but he hasn't been that high up on the grid since the texas gp in 2023. he was positively Thrilled with it to. he did his little "KI KI KI AY AY AY" over the radio and in his interview after said that "we belong towards the front, so happy for everyone"

max also stared at charles's ass afterwards

and for some reason, before the sprint race, lando cohosted a yoga session on a beach that was sponsored by hilton???

yeah man i have no idea either. he kept saying he didnt like the sand and brushed off his hands a million and seven times. (this was also funny cause it was star wars day (may 4th))

and the next day everyone geared up for the sprint race. and it was fucking bonkers. i know i say lots of things are bonkers. this one takes the cake. it was a race of penalties. with the first one going to esteban ocon before he even made it to the grid for running into charles leclerc in the pitlane and breaking his front wing.

everyone pulled up to the grid in their starting order:

p1: max p2: charles p3: checo p4: daniel p5: carlos p6: oscar p7: lance p8: fernando p9: lando p10: nico p11: george p12: lewis p13: esteban p14: kevin p15: yuki p16: pierre p17: zhou p18: logan p19: alex p20: valtteri

martin brundle was discussing tires. specifically he was discussing the importance of warning up the tires. saying that the tires need to go through a "heat cycle." which is just. such a choice of words. i know this is probably a real legit term. but sir, i grew up on tumblr.com. such sentences are jarring.

and then the lights went out. away they went. and immediately it all went to hell in a flaming hot hand basket.

the aston martins of fernando and lance decides to kiss, lewis went for a gap and knocked into them and that whole kerfuffle shoved lando off the track in turn one.

this brought out an immediate yellow flag and left the rest of the midfield picking up the pieces.

"whoa," fernando said over the radio, 'hamilton arrived like a bull!"

"i think you'll find it was your teammate that arrived like a bull first," crofty said up in the commentary box. "and then hamilton came and doubled the trouble."

meanwhile, in his own car, hamilton said "there was a gap on the inside so i took it," all but dedicating his move to the late and great ayrton senna

reguardless of whos fault it really was, the stewards didnt care because they chose not to investigate it further. zak brown thought that this was stupid because it was clearly a driver error.

lando gave no shits even though he had been knocked out of the race at no fault of his own and decided that he was going to walk across the track after he got out of the car. that walk later cost him 50,000 dollars worth of fines. thankfully. the damage on his car was minor. meaning he could still do qualifying for the race later in the afternoon.

in addition to lando, lance stroll was forced to retire his car as well. and fernando alonso had a tire puncture.

later on lando said "nothing i could have done. i think today we payed the price for being around others that are careless..... ill get it back tomorrow."

a safety car was called on lap three to clear the damage.

when the safety car ended on lap 4, the grid had been properly shuffled up:

p1: max p2: charles p3: daniel p4: checo p5: carlos p6: oscar p7: ncio p8: kevin p9: lewis p10: yuki p11: pierre p12: logan p13: zhou p14: george p15: valtteri p16: alex p17: esteban p18: fernando

and a reminder: in a sprint race, only down to 8th place gets points. this will become a key detail.

on lap 5 checo overtook daniel, putting daniel into 4th infront of carlos sainz.

now, one thing you need to know about danny rics is that hes a late brake king. meaning that he knows Exactly how to milk the most out of his car by pushing it to the last possible second before braking into the turns, giving himself just a slight edge and a few tenths of a second of space between him and whoever is behind him. notably, this is how he was able to win in monaco in 2018, with an MGU-K failure that made his engine have 25% less horsepower, and only two (out of eight) functioning gears while holding off sebastian vettel in a ferrari. hes a regular expert at late braking.

and his next victim was none other than carlos sainz. because, lets be honest here, hes in a shitbox car, defending against a ferrari while trying to catch a red bull.

and at the beginning, checo was holding daniel in his DRS zone (within 1 second of him to give daniel a speed boost so that he could stay in front of carlos so that carlos wouldn't pass daniel and then pass checo) while carlos was still only .3 seconds behind daniel with DRS. late brake king indeed.

but while that battle was shaping up, there was another battle.

on lap 8 we had the return of another king. the kevin magnussen menace king.

if you recall, in saudi arabia, kevin got 20 seconds worth of penalties and used that to drive like an absolute madman, royally holding up the whole back of the grid so that his teammate nico could score a point in the race.

and well. nico was in 7th, kevin was in 8th and sir lewis hamilton was in 9th. and yes, sir lewis might be driving an absolute shit box car, but he is still a 7 time world champion. hes got some moves. and he was itching to pull them on kmags.

lewis was a very solid half a second behind kevin. and according to our friends the commentators "mercedes dont look like they a great race car"

hamilton agreed with this saying "im very slow on the straight." he tried to pass kevin. and he failed.

two laps later, they were still battling it out, this time though, kevin skipped over the chicane.

"he just gained an advantage!" lewis said "he skipped the chicane!"

and so it was all aboard the struggle bus, population lewis, falling victim to kevin, carlos, who was still unable to pass danny rics , and max, who was having terrible time with his tires.

lewis briefly escaped the struggle bus when he was able to pass kevin on lap 11. kevin also reviewed his first 10 second penalty for skipping the chicane. but this did not seem to deter kevin because then he drove into lewis and left the track again.

"i wonder how many penalties he wants to pick up today" crofty wondered aloud. hint: this would not be his last penalty.

because! kmags was busting out the saudi moves to an absolute t again: going super fucking fast on the straights and then slowing down in the corners. and this was really, really effective because lewis did not have any speed on the straights, so he couldn't catch him.

when lewis finally did pass him on lap 15, kevin went incredibly late on the brakes, like purposefully late just to shove lewis off the track, shoving both lewis and yuki (who was behind him) off the track. even the commentators thought the move was insane, saying that "there was no way he was going to make the apex on that" however! lets remember that kevin was protecting his teammate nico from the cars behind him so that he could be guaranteed points. so nico had a sizable gap (6 seconds) between him and the cars behind when hamilton and yuki passed kevin on lap 16.

closing in on the end of the race. carlos was STILL stuck behind daniel, who had defended his ass off for 15 laps. kevin magnussen had received yet another penalty. and hamilton managed to pass yuki on the last lap for 8th position (but then he got a 20 second penalty for speeding in the pit lane so it meant nothing)

all in all, an interesting race. especially if you were daniel ricciardo who managed to finish in fourth and then barked like a dog over his radio:

and after the race, they caught up with kevin and asked him about his million penalties (he ended up with 3 ten second penalties for leaving the track and gaining an advantage and one 5 second penalty for track limits) (crofty and martin brundle were in agreement that the penalties that kevin received were not consistent with the severe lack of penalties that were given for the turn one lap one incident. the consensus from them was “i think he was over the limit in many ways on many occasions there" and it was a “little outrageous but he wasn’t plowing into the side of people”)

reguardless, here is what kevin (and lewis) had to say

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basically, kevin seems pretty upset that he is playing the teammate game and nico is not. nico though does have a contract already at a different team, so he really doesnt have to worry about impressing haas

and well, in case you were curious, max won. charles was p2, checo was p3. with all the penalties, kevin ended in 18 and hamilton ended in 16.

and!!! mr logan sargeant!!! for the first time EVER finished ABOVE HIS TEAMMATE in p10!!! (alex was in p13) he came and he DELIVERED!!! he was driving on SOFT TIRES in MIAMI in the HEAT and he SLAYED getting replaced rumors WHOMST

(sorry. i am american. can you tell?)

onto the qualifying session! full steam ahead!

all in all, it was kinda boring. the most interesting thing to happen was danny rics getting p17 (not including his three place grid penalty from the last race) after coming in p4 in the sprint. logan missed out on getting into q2 by .034 seconds lando opted to stay on the medium tires for the last part of qualifying because mclaren didnt want a repeat of spring qualifying where he couldnt get the softs up to temperature. despite this, he still only managed a p5.

oh and this headline:

and so, the grid was set, locked and loaded:

p1: max p2: charles p3: carlos p4: checo p5: lando p6: oscar p7: george p8: lewis p9: nico p10: yuki p11: lance p12: pierre p13: esteban p14: alex p15: fernando p16: valtteri p17: logan p18: danny rics p19: kevin p20: zhou

and it was time for the race to start.

and it started with a definite bang because checo almost took out max on the first lap:

the near crash shuffled the front up a little. oscar was able to gain three places and ended up right behind charles in p3. lando, meanwhile, was shoved further back down the grid in the mayhem (as well as checo) to p6. and on lap five, oscar managed to pass charles for p2. clearly, the upgrades, even the half upgrades that oscar had, were clearly working. he was only 2 seconds behind max (unusual as max usually flies off into the sunset) and was defending like hell against the two ferraris.

meanwhile, estie bestie and pierre were fighting. literally fighting. they were driving Next To Eachother, Wheel To Wheel on the track from turns 13-16 on lap 1. at very fast speeds. it was truly nail biting stuff. alpine even posted about it on instagram:

and who else was fighting? the ferraris, they were fighting. carlos was behind charles, but was convinced that he had more pace than charles did and wanted to pass. Ferrari basically said fuck it whatever and let them fight it out, no team orders. carlos did not end up passing charles.

pit stops played an important role in this race. and many people pitted early. albon, stroll, sargeant, bottas, hulkenberg and gasley. the majority of the back of the grid. all pitted before lap 13. which was interesting because the undercut (pitting for tires before the people around you) is really not effective on the track due to the amount of tire degradation.

anywhoozies. it was shaping up to be a fairly normal and boring race. max was out in front, the ferraris were fighting, the french civil war was alive and well. all normal things to see on a sunday afternoon.

well. it was almost normal. charles and oscar were feuding in the front. as in not they themselves were feuding, but their teams were feuding. charles was told to do whatever oscar didnt do. and oscar was told to do whatever charles didnt do. ferrari even faked a pit stop on lap 15 to try and trick mclaren into pitting oscar earlier and putting charles up into p2. it did not work.

and the normal continued. lando fought with perez for fifteen laps before checo finally pitted on lap 15 and lando was able to get in front of him.

"i dont know what the lando norris equivalent of hammer time is," martin brundle said as checo sailed into the pits. "he needs to bring it."

and bring it he did. he in p5 behind carlos sainz. his race engineer, will, said on lap 20 they should stop defending against the cars behind him and go get carlos. lando was pleased with this. "yeah! ill agree!" he said "i'll go get him!"

while he was chasing carlos, max hit a cone on turn 15 during lap 22.

it was the cone that was on the chicane, showing the cars where the curbing was, and max just kind of plowed into it:

he was asked about this moment late in the post race press conference and said:

"i didnt like it. so i decided to take it out. and test the durability of the front wing as well. so thats a crash test done. yeah, there was no damage. the cone was out of the way for everyone so everyone it was basically free for all."

the williams app, giving a race play by play had this to say about that lap:

"not satisfied with all his recent trophies, verstappen has picked up a board from the chicane as well... unfortunately for him hes dropped and left it at T16"

but regardless. there was a cone on the track. a Cone was On The Track. according to george it was in the racing line. what are they gonna do? call a virtual safety car on lap 23 for like half a lap.

after the virtual safety car ended and the cone was cleared, max decided it would be a good time to make a pit stop, which meant oscar was now leading the race! being him was carlos, lando and then max. max was a solid 10 seconds behind lando, who was catching up to carlos.

lando got the fastest lap on lap 25 and according to ted down in the pitlane "lando norris [was] doing brilliant laps" and max was loosing time chasing him, and he (max) had very very low grip

and he did not get past carlos, but he did end up leading the race on lap 28 when oscar and carlos both pitted.

and then. the race was about to heat up. menace k mags was back and he had a new target: logan sargeant. kevin had tried to pass logan and rammed into him, sending loan sailing into the wall.

to say logan was upset about it would be an understatement:

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for real, this poor kid cannot fucking catch a break. you can tell how upset he is because he wants the team to think well of him and he knows that he only has one shot to prove himself and doesnt want to waste his chance in f1. and to be knocked out at your home race is absolutely brutal.

after the race, he posted an instagram post of him fishing in front of a sunset to the song something in the orange. please give this man a break he deserves it.

regardless. this caused a safety car. and people pitted under the safety car. pretty much everyone who didnt pit already pitted under the safety car. including lando norris. and he came out of the pits in front of max.

by the time the safety car ended on lap 33, lando was still leading and max was still behind him, charles was in p3, oscar in p4 and carlos in p5. lando had new tires but red bull had speed.

max tried to overtake lando once the safety car ended but he wasnt able to, and then max made a mistake at turn 8 and fell behind with carlos catching up to him.

by the time the drivers could use their DRS again, lando was already more than a second ahead of max and out of DRS range, which would make it harder for max to pass him.

now might be a very good time to remind you all that lando norris has never won a race in f1. he has come close, but he has never won. he really really really wants to win one. people have even started calling him lando no wins cause he has no wins. hes been in f1 for 6 years. he has not won. hes leading a race. he doesnt need to pit. his car is freshly upgraded. and max verstappen is behind him.

while lando was creating a gap, carlos was fighting with Oscar.

now. carlos and oscar have a feud. i dont really know why. but they always seem to pick fights with eachother on track. well, carlos usually picks fights with oscar on track, oscar is usually just chilling.

previous incidents between these two have included but not been limited to:

oscar saying "Classic Carlos, just sitting in the middle of the road, I see nothing has changed" over his radio during the 2023 abu dhabi practice session

a tweet from carlos after the 2023 spa gp that said "not what we wanted today. racing incident, but oscar was too optimistic. he was never side by side and that move has never really worked in spa" (ps. they both dnf'd here after crashing into eachother)

oscar saying "mate, is carlos blind or what?" during practice at the 2023 monza gp

carlos saying (in response to nearly running into oscar during monza practice) "its like hes doing it on purpose"

and well. the feud is still alive and well:

"he pushed me off the track!" carlos said on lap 35 when oscar had definitely not pushed him off the track.

"just tell him to give me a positon and he doesn’t get a panelty" carlos said a lap later. "tell mclaren to be telling him because they need to be telling him."

oscar did not give him the position back and instead got his elbows out.

meanwhile! back at the front lando was a whole tWO SECONDS AHEAD of max on lap 37 AND he had the fastest lap.

mclaren told oscar that ferrari wanted him to swap with carlos but they didnt agree and told oscar not to do anything. so oscar kept defending. and carlos continued to complain.

max, who was still 2 seconds behind lando, came on the radio saying "i can’t get the car to turn it’s a disaster” which was just “music to the ears of everyone at mclaren and charles leclerc” 

well. maybe not everyone at mclaren. because oscar was still battling with carlos. carlos tried to pass him on lap 39 but failed. then he did pass, oscar passed him back and then carlos went to pass him Again, but failed and they touched eachother. Hamilton and perez managed to pass oscar before it was revealed on lap 41 that oscar had front wing damage and needed to box for a replacement.

CARLOS TWEET

and also during this time, kevin managed to get another penalty for not serving his previous penalty correctly.

lando was 3.1 seconds ahead of max

lap 42. lewis was challenging perez for fifth. "if youve got any more power give it to me!" he shouted into his radio, .5 seconds behind perez.

oscar had a truly abysmal pit stop and came out in 19th.

lap 43. lando was 3.8 seconds ahead of max.

alpine was somehow in the points with esteban ocon in 9th.

matin and crofty were discussing kevin and his infinity gauntlet of penalties.

“kevin magnussen must have his own seat up in the stewards office he’s been up there so often” said martin.

“i’m astounded that kevin as a different penalty for something he didn’t already have a penalty for," crofty said, agreeing with martin.

they were studiously ignoring lando, very not wanting to jinx him as he was 4.7 seconds ahead of max.

k mags got another penalty. this time for entering the pit lane. lance stroll got a track limited warning. lando was 5.2 seconds ahead

ten laps to go.

lap 48. fernando was fighting with esteban ocon for 9th. oscar was up to 17th with the fastest lap.

lap 49. the camera panned to the mclaren garage. everyone looked stressed to hell.

lap 50. lando was 5.6 seconds ahead of max. the commentators were scared to find him even more now. somewhere in the world, nico rosberg was loosing his god damned mind.

lap 51. lando was 5.8 seconds ahead. oscar was fighting daniel for 16th

lap 52. oscars race engineer reminded him that "lando is leading the race we do not want to cause a safety car here." lando was 6 seconds ahead of max. lance stroll went off the track and gained two positions.

five laps to go.

lap 53. hamilton was still railing the back of perez. ocon was holding onto 10th.

lap 54. alex albon locked up. yellow flag. everyone held their breath and prayed for no safety car. but he went into the runoff area. there was no safety car. alex rejoined the track in p19.

three laps to go.

lap 55. oscar passed daniel for 15th. lando was seven seconds ahead of max.

lap 56. this would be the first time mclaren had won in America since 2012 with lewis hamilton in austin, tx. their last win basin 2021 with danny rics in monza. lando was 7.3 seconds ahead of max.

last lap.

lap 57. everyone was screaming. i was on the edge of my seat. we waited with baited breath. through the corners, hurtling down the straights. around the last bend. across the finish line.

LANDO NORRIS WINS THE MIAMI 2024 GRAND PRIX

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it was insane! it was astounding! holy shit! he had fucking won!

and that was seemingly every other drivers thought process because seemingly everyone came up to lando to congratulate him.

immediately max and charles gave him a hug.

fernando ran over and smacked his helmet in excitement

carlos came over

followed by danny rics and george

lewis and others congratulated him later on

he stage dived his team

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and charles and max absolutely soaked him on the podium

famously, lando said a few years ago (jokingly) that nico rosberg retired after his first championship im going to reture after my first win (he is not going to). but he also said a bit less jokingly that if he won he would jump in the lake outside of the mclaren technology center. and he has not done that yet. shame on you lando.

now a little interlude on max and charles here. the miami race weekend was the 12 year anniversary of their "inchident" from karting (you know the one) and tbh, the funniest thing that could have possibly happened this weekend was for both of them to be on the podium, but not win.

and ive talked about the Maxplaining and Leclercifying that has happened before, but they took their yapping to a whole new level now that the cameras weren't really on them.

YAP PICS

max also chose violence in the cool down room. upon being shown the footage of the logan crash he said "at least they have a spare chassis now" and he was Positively Shocked at hoe close perez came to knocking him out in turn 1

max even waited for charles to finish his interview so that they could ride to the podium in the same car together (there were three cars, one for each of them). and yet.

they were also unhinged in the post race press conference. max first tried to sit in the middle (the winners seat) to keep yapping with charles and charles had to point to the other side of the couch and be like buddy no youre over there

the post race press conference was unhinged as all shit. lando said that he was going to party very very hard that night and he might not come out with just a scratch on his nose this time.

and by all accounts he did party quite hard afterwards. first, the day he won was cinco fucking de mayo in miami florida and after wards he posted a photo on his instagram at NINE AM LOCAL TIME (presumably when he was about to get on a flight) that just said "recovery 1%" with the caption "worth it" (later he said that he actually didnt wake up really until tuesday morning. man had an insane night)

and later on at the mclaren celebration back in england they did a toast for him and he said "ive had enough alcohol to be honest"

lando also said during the press conference that he really finds the lando no wins nickname funny, and seeing people call him that over the years gave him so much drive to win. he also said that he wanted to use the valtteri line "to whom it may concern, fuck you" while he was on the radio in his car, but that was "copyrighted"

max was asked if he thought that lando would have still won if there hadnt been a safety car. and if you watch one video on this whole damn post, let it please be this one:

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it was just. so nice to see him win. everyone was so happy to see him win. even fred vasseur, the ferrari team principal, was given a mclaren hat and a bottle of champagne to soak lando with:

not to mention that seemingly everyone went out with lando to party afterwards. there weren't too many videos that i could find of that, but from what i saw, pretty much everyone was there.

in everyones post race interviews they all seemed to really express that they were very very happy for lando. will buxton even went as far as to say “i haven’t seen max that happy all year and he’s usually winning”

george was asked in his interview "sorry to say, but you are no longer the last british race winner" and he absolutely clapped back with "thanks. thats a very negative way to say, 'how do you feel about lando winning the race?'" and then he later said "yeah obviously happy to see lando finally get a victory. its well deserved for him. hes been doing an amazing job for a long time so"

this was a common thread among the drivers (not taking peoples negative shit about it), because max also said "if i had to get beaten today im happy it was lando, he deserves it. he did a really good job, he was flying. so yeah. its always nice to see someone win his first grand prix. its always a special day."

and lewis as well said "massive congrats to lando. i won my first grand prix with mclaren, i know how special it is to get that first one, huge congratulations to him, he truly deserves it. and mclaren, wow, im really happy for them thats my old family."

even fred vasseur said "well i want to congratulate lando and mclaren i think that they deserve it and they did a great job and im happy for them"

carlos as well said "i think he deserves it for a long time now to win a race. hes a driver that for me is going to win many many races in f1 hes been driving at an exceptional level. today he was on the lucky side, as i said but i think luck comes to the people that deserve it. and today he definitely deserved to win."

and charles said "we all grew up with the same dream of being in formula 1 one say and its always emotional for me to see him obviously realizing one of his dreams and winning his first race in formula 1 its a very special moment for him."

and then danny rics said "yeah proud to see him get his first win obviously saw his talent and ability and yeah kinda felt like it was going to happen sooner or later. and yeah really happy for him to have a day like this"

and then, pretty much every person ever made a post or commented on his congratulating lando:

oscar piastri: "well done man" carlos sainz: "CONGRATS CABRON!" lewis hamilton:"WELL DONE" alex albon: "congrats!!!" george russell: "it was always whe, not if, mate. congrats you deserve it" max verstappen: "very happy for lando norris, congrats mate!" daniel ricciardo: "and not sure if he is still alive today but very happy for lando norris on his first win" fernando Alonso: "Bravoooooo" martin garrix: "LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" max fewtrell: "So proud brother 🧡" pato oward: "GUEYYYY!!!!!! 🚀🚀" antonio giovinazzi: "Bravo Lando ! 🙌💪🏻" Heineken: "What a race!!! 👏👏👏" hollister: "🙌🔥👏 YOU DID THAT"

landos initial celebration post, by the way, was a bunch of funny and kind of terrible selfies of him with his trophy with the caption:

WWE FUCKIJG DID IT. P1 🏆

a few days later, when he was no longer hungover he made an instagram story that said

"genuinely had the most insane couple days of my life. still dont know what to say but this was a dream since i was a kid. i literally havent stopped smiling since lap 33. so much hard work to achieve this and it all finally paid off the support from my team, the mclaren papaya fans, other drivers and so so many more. ive appreciated every single bit of it. love you all. and after all this...were just getting started... and yes...still smiling"

lewis hamiltons dad even texted landos dad congratulating him!

and interestingly enough, they interviewed lando's race engineer, will. who said that the upgrade "package should favor other circuits more than miami."

so do we actually have a proper championship battle on our hands? will it just be a max sweep from here on out? whos to say. we dont know.

but what we do know, according to martin brundle, is that "the secret to beating max verstappen is injuring yourself right before the race: "we realize now the secret to beating max verstappen, remove an appendix, do an injury to your nose, some sort of operation or injury is the way now to beat max verstappen in formula 1."

and most heartwarmingly, nico rosberg seemingly predicted this. if you all recall, two weeks ago at the chinese gp, he told lando this:

"we have a race the two of us because youre at 109 and i won then i was at 111 (races) my first race so were close. your time is coming. maybe next race cause you got upgrades coming in miami! so it could be good."

and then lando won his 110th, beating nico out by one race and jenson button by four. and both of them are world champions. nico finally figured out how to use his witchcraft for good.

will buxton wrote an article for f1 about the phenomenon of lando no wins and he concluded it with this:

The universal outpouring of joy in his victory tells you another side to him. Its rare in the highly competitive world of Formula 1 to make many true friends. To a man, I can’t think of a driver who wasn’t delighted for him in Miami. I haven’t seen Max Verstappen as happy all year, and he’s won pretty much everything. That affection is real. The friendships are true. And as he brought his car to the pits, after acknowledging those who try to drag him down, he spoke words for the truly private man. For his parents and his grandmother. The part of his life he keeps closest and most guarded. For his entire Formula 1 career, he’s had to be what people expect of him. Carry the weight of manifesting the legend of the version of himself he’d always portrayed himself as being. As he grew from teenager into adulthood, an ever growing fanbase of millions expected him perhaps never to change and to always stay the same. On Sunday he received the only reply he’s ever sought. Validation. A Grand Prix winner. Just as he always knew he would and could be. What stands before him now is a level of freedom he has never known, to truly embrace the destiny that stands before him. Beyond the memes, the engagement, the lifetime lived in the spotlight of social media stardom, the witty quips and the potential to be the perfect media personality, there has always existed the hunger of the competitor. The desire to be the best. To win it all. The posts, the stories, the reels. They can write themselves now. The man, not the meme. Lando “No Wins,” no more.

thanks for reading and waiting for the update of this monstrosity. thank you for continuing to read this insane post. ill see you all in imola! o7

Sorry i tried to scroll past but, i know nothing about f1 other than max verstappen is fast, my dad doesnt like lewis hamilton, fast car goes in a loop and sometimes expodes. Could you give me a crash course in f1 drama? Im very intrigued. Whats the tea as it were?

a terribly loaded question, but i will do my best. i’ve talked about some of the drama before like the red bull second seat and the chronicles of haas but allow me to briefly try my hand at explaining the nightmare that is the upcoming silly season

under the cut we go

silly season is when the drivers go through contract renewals, extensions and switches. usually it’s confined to the first half of the season (march-july) but it has been known to extend all the way to the last race of the season and they like to switch people around at random sometimes. driver contracts are complex, there’s a lot of money involved and basically You Are The Face Of The Team so if you have a shit season then you make the team look bad. but at the same time you could have a shit season because you have a shit car. it’s sticky stuff.

so. there are only twenty seats in formula 1. 10 teams. each team gets two drivers. (there’s also reserve drivers but we’re not going to get into that). who ends up with a contract is largely up to the teams, they can pull the contract out from under people they can also cut you mid season. they’ve done it before.

of the 20 drivers on the grid, 14 of them have contracts expiring at the end of the year. yes. 14. you see how this could get complicated.

so let’s meet the teams.

red bull racing. they came first this year (and last year) in the championship. like aggressively first. like they won the championship by over 350 points. they are definitely the team to beat. but if you end up with a seat at red bull, you do have to deal with max verstappen being your teammate and he won all but three of the races last year. he’s the golden boy. red bull are also notoriously silly when it comes to contracts and famously swap people mid season who aren’t performing.

mercedes. merc is home to 7 time world champion lewis hamilton and they have won the championship a great many times, though not since 2021. they are kind of in their flop arc and their car the last 2 years has been pretty garbage, but they have still made it work because they were able to come in second last year.

ferrari. god help the poor little meow meows with a ferrari contract. ferrari is a notoriously great team and they’re trying to get back to the top again but their strategy every single time has fallen short. to the point where their drivers are the ones doing the strategy in their cars while driving. they came in third last year and have been decently consistent at getting first in qualifying and then getting beat by max verstappen on race day.

mclaren. they’ve definitely worked their way up over recent years. they ended fourth last year and have had some championship wins before but not nearly as many as say merc and ferrari. their team ceo (owner? director?) is a little interesting and their car started out a pile of flaming hot garbage at the beginning of the year but they did manage to get their shit together.

aston martin. they are owned by canadian billionaire lawrence stroll, father of lance stroll (one of the drivers for the team). they’ve undergone several name changes over the recent years (force india, racing point, etc). they positively slayed at the start of the season and then one day they sucked. they finished fifth in the championship.

alpine. the frenchest french team. they’re (i think?) still partially owned by the french government. both of their drivers are french. (their drivers also hate eachother but we’ll get to that. just know they’re in the middle of a modern french civil war). they had the opportunity to have a good rookie driver (oscar piastri) this past year but in a thrilling twitter battle, he publically flamed the shit out of them and went to mclaren instead (and slayed). they're usually solidly middle of the pack. they ended sixth in the championship.

williams. williams has been one of the back of the grid teams for the last many years but they have finally started to get their shit together and don’t quite suck as much as they used to. all of the points this year were scored by only one driver though (except one but we’ll get there). they came in seventh.

alpha tauri. they are the sister team of red bull. so technically redbull owns both teams (meaning they can swap drivers between teams. they like doing this.) they’ve just kind of been There for awhile but they did slay towards the end of the season when one of their drivers led the race for several laps. basically tho, this team is the gateway to redbull. they came in eighth.

alpha romeo. recently renamed to stake f1 team (but sometimes they are going to be called kick sauber. this is a whole other drama post and i’m not getting into it). they’re also just kind of there. generally unproblematic. seems that really great drivers who get ixed out of a contract for a younger driver end up here or young drivers who are in their early years are here before they go to a better team. they ended ninth this year.

haas. oh haas. goofy team. they suck. point blank they suck. they keep loosing sponsors because they suck, they don’t win ever (one time they came first in qualifying last year). they cursed themselves in australia in 2018 by not tightening their tires and its been downhill ever since. they came 10th. their team principle got let go (fired?) who’s to say today.

so those are the teams. it is important to note that:

-there is a cost cap. each team is allowed to spend no more than 135m per year.

-not all cars are equal. some things are standard. they all undergo the same testing. but the cars are all very different. so you can be a good driver but stuck in a shitty car. which makes it impressive if you are doing well in a shitty car.

let’s meet our drivers!!!

starting with the guys who’s contract is not ending in 2024:

max verstappen. 3 time world champion. 26 years old. general beast on the track. he dominated the whole season. he’s currently racing for red bull and has a contract with them through 2028.

lewis hamilton. 7 time world champion. 39 years old. he drives for mercedes. he will not leave mercedes until he retires. he really really wants to win an 8th world championship and is willing to stick it out a few more years as long as merc still believes in him. his contract expires in 2025.

george russell. the other merc driver. 26 years old. hes aggressively british and says thinks like blimey unironically. walking meme. got his merc seat in 2022 right when they entered their flop arc by getting his tractor of a williams to finish second in qualifying in the middle of a rainstorm. his contract expires in 2025.

lando norris. mclaren driver. 24 years old. he has notably never won a race in his five years of formula one (mostly because right when his car finally was good enough max verstappen was 20 seconds ahead of anyone) but he is regarded as Very Good. he has only ever driven for mclaren. and even though there is another year left on his contract there is mass speculation that he will not renew his contract with mclaren after it expires and he may move up to one of the top teams (red bull, merc, ferrari) (tho i think he doesnt hate himself quite enough to go to ferrari). his contract expires in 2025.

oscar piastri. the other mclaren driver. 22 years old. this was his rookie season and he positively slayed. like people compared his rookie season to lewis hamiltons rookie season. he also had the positively funniest start to his rookie year because alpine announced that he would be driving for them (he had been their reserve driver and in the alpine academy) and he posted a tweet that basically said yeah thats false i never singed anything with you and im going to race with mclaren instead (he dodged a bullet) and then alpine tried and failed to sue him for $4m USD. he signed a contract extension with mclaren this year and his contract expires in 2026.

lance stroll. aston martin driver and son of the aston martin owner. hes doing ok, tho there was conspiracy that he wanted to quit and have a tennis career awhile ago. but basically since his dad owns the team it seems that hes guaranteed a seat for as long as he wants one.

so now. moving onto the good shit. the people who have contracts expiring in 2024. hold onto your hats people.

charles leclerc. (everyones favorite slutty little soup can). 26 years old. he is currently at ferrari and he has been since 2019. notably, he was given the longest contract in the history of ferrari after a stellar rookie season at sauber (renamed to alpha romeo, renamed to stake f1) where he got the tractor of a car consistently into the points. having the longest contract in the history of ferrari was a flex at the time, but now its likely how he will introduce himself at therapy sessions. ferrari have fucked this man left right and center up the ass with a plastic lunchroom spork. hes talented, he can drive, and he can drive well. but the strategy that ferrari has absolutely sucks. either something is wrong with the car (see him blowing out his gear box on the formation lap in monaco, his car completely crapping out and spinning into the barrier in brazil before the race even started) or they fuck up his pit stops or put him on the wrong tires and honestly its just frustrating. but will he leave??? likely not. you'd have to pry ferrari out of his cold dead hands and at this rate that might be where this is headed though there has been some minor speculation of him going to another team like merc or red bull, but merc doesnt have any open seats and red bull is a whole other dumpster fire of drama. ferrari are going to have to pay him a boatload of money to make him stay.

carlos sainz. the smooth operator. 29 years old. ferrari driver. previously carlos was at toro rosso (renamed to alpha tauri), renault (renamed to alpine), and mclaren before signing with ferrari. he has been at ferrari since 2021 and has voiced that he would like to stay with them for however long he can. there is speculation that lando might replace him at ferrari (but landos contract is not up until 2025) and there is also some speculation that alex albon might replace him. while charles is clearly the golden boy at ferrari, carlos is slightly slower but also definitely consistent. he was THE ONLY non red bull driver to win a race this past year, in Singapore after max verstappedn was knocked out of qualifying by alpha tauri reserve driver liam lawson (more on him later) and because he basically came up with his own strategy in the car while he was driving.

sergio perez. aka checo. red bull driver. 33 years old. and oh boy here's where we open the can of worms. checo was previously at racing point (renamed aston martin) and it was very near the end of the 2020 (?) season and he was out of a contract. he had a bonkers race where he was knocked to the back of the grid and then overtook everyone and somehow ended up winning (there is more to that story but just trust me) and christian horner, red bull team principle, mr ginger spice and definite disney villain called him and said congrats sir you have a seat at red bull! well. fast forward. hes been causing problems. problems as in crashing a lot, generally not doing great and pissing the crap out of red bull. it is basically guaranteed at this point that he will not be getting a contract extension. there was actually talk this year of him losing his seat mid season to one of the alpha tauri drivers, because remember, red bull owns both teams and they can switch them whenever they want to (and they have!) but ultimately this did not happen. even though checo has a seat at red bull until the end of 2024, its mass speculated that he is going to get switched with an alpha tauri driver, probably daniel ricciardo (more on him shortly) mid season because there is a speculated clause in daniels contract that says that if checo isn't performing well in the first few races daniel is getting his seat.

daniel ricciardo. 34 years old. alpha tauri driver. man oh man what a guy. outside of being the prankster of the paddock, he has one of the most batshit careers of anyone currently on the grid. he started out at red bull and was showing real talent and skill and was on track to win things (and was!) and was there until the end of 2018 when max verstappen (his teammate) started getting preferential treatment and also red bull started having a lot of problems with their engines (which were being outsourced from Renault (now alpine) and another team on the grid) and well very very long story short he made the surprise move of the century and decided to sign with Renault (which makes no sense they're the one with the engine problems) and was there for 2 years before moving again to mclaren where he was reportedly not treated very well and had a hard time driving the car so they mutually ended his contract with them early and he basically retired at the end of the 2022 season and became a red bull reserve driver. then halfway through the 2023 season alpha tauri ixed one of their drivers, nyck de vries, because he wasnt doing well and promoted daniel back up to a full time driver at alpha tauri (which we know is only a step down from red bull) but then he broke his hand in a crash in zanvort (?) and then he was replaced for a few races by formula 2 driver liam lawson (who we will also talk about) and then he came back to finish out the season in alpha tauri after he was cleared. daniel has admitted openly that he never should have left red bull and he was given bad advice to do so. hes towards the end of his career at this point and its well known that he Really Really wants to finish out his career at red bull again. he and max have already been teammates before and they do work well together and daniel is great driver (see his comeback in texas (or maybe it was brazil?) this year). so. Pretty Sure that daniels going to get either an extension at alpha tauri or go up to red bull. thats what we all want. get this man in a red bull we need him there biblically.

liam lawson. now technically liam is not actually a formula 1 driver. hes a formula 2 driver, but he was daniels replacement for five races and there has been some speculation and some confirmed news about him so hes getting included. when he was racing for f1 he was at alpha tauri. hes 21 and looks like he belongs in the movie grease. no one was expecting him to slay in formula 1 and he positively knocked everyones socks off. the scene: Singapore. which, if you'll recall, is the one race that a not red bull driver won. this was largely because liam lawson slayed the absolute game in qualifying. the qualifying part of racing determines what order the cars start in on the grid for the race and theres three parts, the first two parts the bottom 5 drivers each time get knocked out and then the top 10 complete for the last 10 spots. liam lawson knocked BOTH max verstappen and checo perez out of qualifying in the second round by going very slightly faster than them, effectively fucking up red bulls race and allowing carlos to win. and he also scored points in that race, which no one was expecting. now thats all fine and dandy, but here's the speculation: hemlut marko (im pretty sure) (who is somehow decently involved in the decision making at red bull though i couldn't tell you how) said that he thinks that liam lawson will be in an f1 seat no later than 2025. meaning that he will probably get offered a contract this year. and hes already raced for alpha tauri. red bull have sunk a good amount of money into him. they clearly want him. so if he gets offered an alpha tauri seat in 2025, that means theres a good chance danny rics is going to red bull. do you SEE how the plot here is THICKENED

yuki tsunoda. age 23. currently at alpha tauri. and fun fact, the only alpha tauri driver to race there the whole year. he had three separate team mates. he is slaying and hes often slept on. he has a bit of a temper and likes to shout on the radio and also hates working out (they had to force him to move to italy or something to work out, long story) but hes been kinda killing it. he led several laps in the abu dhabi race this year and hes decently consistent. people think theres possibility that he could get moved up to red bull on account of the fact that he is younger than daniel and clearly has more years in him,, but there is also possibility that he might not because red bull like to make stupid decisions. and if he doesnt get moved up to rebel, will he stay with alpha tauri? we don't know.

alex albon. age 27. currently a williams driver. alex albon is another one with a batshit career. he started out his rookie year in 2019 at alpha tauri then got moved up to red bull halfway through the year when red bull decided that pierre gasley wasnt doing a good enough job (more on him later) and stayed with red bull for a solid year and a half until he lost his seat in 2021 to checo. he has been with williams for the last two years and is basically carrying the team. like. williams as a team scored 28 points this year. and alex albon scored 27 of those 28 points. and as we know, williams is still kind of in their shit arc (though they are doing much better. they didnt score any points for a solid 2 (?) years. so this is an improvement.) and if you can get a shit car to perform you catch the eye of bigger teams. now, alex has already been a red bull driver. and he was on the cusp of podiuming two separate times when lewis hamilton ran into him. this (among a few other things) basically killed his chances at getting resigned at red bull because he wasnt ""performing"" and red bull are bitches who love to win. but some people think that red bull should give him another shot. like daniel, hes already been max's teammate and he can definitely drive. but theres also talk he might go to ferrari because ferrari think that he might compliment charles's driving style (or something). but going to ferrari at this point is kind of suicide. so.

logan sergeant. age 23. the only american on the grid. the other williams driver. he just finished his rookie year. he scored a grand total of one single point this season, in texas, and it was because charles leclerc and lewis hamilton both got disqualified because the floor of their car had more wear (by literally less than millimeters) than it was allowed to, bumping him up from 12th to 10th. he has never done better than alex albon. he was also the very last driver to get a contract for 2024, with williams waiting until i think december of 2023 to announce his contract extension. clearly, hes on thin ice. but people have also said that he needs time to get used to formula 1 (other people have pointed out that oscar piastri slayed his rookie season this year and this statement about needing time is largely false). where logan ends up next year though will largely depend on how well the 2024 season goes for him.

fernando alonso. 42 years old. many people like to point out that oscar piastri is actually younger than fernando's racing career. he won tiktok creator of the year (somehow) and is also a 2 time world champion. he retired a few years ago, just to show back up again and slay. during the first half of the season when aston martin had a zoom zoom car he killed it, and then they had problems on top of problems and he didnt do well. except for that one race in brazil where he came in third, beating checo by literally .05 seconds. he hasn't really made any hints about retiring a second time and he is kind of carrying aston Martin right now (he scored 205 points this season, coming in 4th and tying in points with charles leclerc, lance stroll only scored 74 points this year.) and they did have their best year yet this year. (though they are relatively new).

pierre gasley. 27 years old. french. drives for alpine. the french team. previously he raced with toro rosso (now alpha tauri), then got promoted to a red bull driver in 2019, then halfway through the season they decided he wasnt doing a good enough job and he got demoted back down to alpha tauri. then he won a race with alpha tauri just to stick it to red bull. after the great oscar piastri contract twitter war, he was signed as alpines second driver, with Esteban ocon being the other driver (more on him soon). estie bestie and pierre (both french) were childhood friends and now hate each other for unknown reasons and basically feuded on the track for most of the season. french civil war at alpine. he scored 62 points in 2023 and came in 11th. not really sure where he will end up, it is possible that he will stick it out at alpine.

esteban ocon. 27 years old. also french. currently driving for alpine. another one with a silly bonkers career. he started out at force india and had a baller few seasons there but his teammate at the time was checo, and checo didnt really cooperate with him too much and caused some drama that cost estie bestie some places and some points. max verstappen also beat him up in the garage once. thats not really relevant but it did happen. anyway, after the owner of force india was arrested for .... i don't remember what maybe it was embezzlement or bankruptcy or something money related, the team was backed by lawrence stroll and became racing point. but all of that happened mid season and lawrence was basically like look ill back you guys for now but next year my son gets a seat (lance) so one of you two (checo and estie bestie) have to go. and ultimately they let estie bestie go even though he was more consistent because checo had more sponsors and they needed money. so he was out of formula 1 for a few years (but was a merc reserve driver) and then went to Renault, which then became alpine. he did come in 12th though overall this season, just behind pierre. so. will alpine keep both him and pierre and keep the civil war going? whos to say.

nico hulkenberg. 36 years old. haas driver. in his 200+ f1 races he has never been on the podium and he really really wants to be on the podium. unfortunately this will never happen in a haas because haas fucking sucks. and everyone knows it. he is getting towards the end of his career though. though! stake f1 will become the mario Andretti and audi team in 2026 (don't question it) and they have supposedly voiced interest in nico. so we will see if he hangs on that long to end up at audi. for now tough, hes definitely hating it at haas. though, haas are going to have a different team principle next year so maybe that will change things. i have a sneaky feeling through that haas will probably end up with another 2 rookie drivers because everyone else is smart enough to not race for them.

kevin magnussen. 31 years old. haas driver. hes another deeply interesting character. he has had one podium. in his rookie season. in his first race. and none since. kevin started at haas in 2017 and then left at then end of 2020 when he basically got kicked off because the team needed money and they wanted to bring in drivers with more sponsorships. these drivers were mick schumacher and nikita mazepin. so kevin basically was forced to retire after the 2020 season. this went decently well for haas. until russia invaded ukraine right before the start of the 2022 season and, well, nikita was Russian and it was never distinctly proven that his dads company (who was sponsoring the team) wasnt also funding the invasion. so nikita got fired and they were literally like 2 weeks out from the start of the season, down a driver. who are you gonna call? kevin magnussen! and hes been back ever since. but hes clearly getting annoyed with haas. there was one great clip from this year where his car caught on fire and he kind of just stared into to, clearly hoping it would burn for a long time. so the likelihood of him extending his contract is looking slim.

valtteri bottas. 34 years old. currently a driver for stake f1 (alpha romeo, kick sauber, whatever you wanna call it). previously, he was a mercedes driver and notoriously helped lewis hamilton win a great many championships, until he lost his seat to george russell in 2022. there was a rather awkward part of the 2021 season where valtteri knew that he was out of a merc seat the following year and kind of just chose violence. he slayed. then he went to alpha romeo, grew a mullet and made a calendar of his ass. quite the glow up if you ask me. hes also very interested in cycling. honestly though, i have my own personal speculation that hes going to retire at the end of this year.

zhou guanyu. 24 years old. driver for stake f1 (alpha romeo/kick sauber, etc etc). hes doing alright. he just finished his second season, in his first season he was majorly out qualified by valtteri but this past season he managed to out qualify him a good 6 times. which is decently good for the tractor of a car hes driving. its possible that he could get a contract extension, but like logan, its probably going to depend on how the 2024 season goes for him.

and thats all the drivers. theres also a few others i didnt talk about, like some other f2 drivers who want seats and mick schumacher, who is currently a merc reserve driver, all of which could be contenders for f1 seats. but one things for sure. this is going to be the silliest fucking silly season.

feel free to add on and peer review me

[sherwood-cabin]

OKAY!!! Here are. My super omega rants of doom about Little Shop!!! About the director’s cut ending, why there’s two endings, n also me goin way too bonkers over a tiny detail in the director’s cut

ALSO. Hallo Oak if you see this please do not read!!! I wanna rant about this in person once winter break ends. Cause I like talkin in person more than typing, but THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW!!!

All under the cut, cause this is very long

The reason why there’s two different endings

The original Little Shop movie had an ending where Seymour n Audrey were both eaten by Audrey 2, n the plants took over the world wiv the added ‘Somewhere That’s Green’ reprise n ‘Don’t Feed the Plants.’ This version was only shown to a few audiences, n they apparently didn’t like it at all. In response, the “happy ending” I’ve only just watched was filmed n released

Warner Bros released a ‘special edition’ on DVD of the original ending in in 1998, *12 years* after the original movie came out. This version was black n white, for some reason???

Finally in October 2012, the in-color version was released wiv refined special effects, sound design, n songs. Alternate scenes/editions showed up online soon afterward 

This is so funny to me cause, according to imdb, the studio spent “…about $5 million on the sequence of Audrey II’s takeover…” which is insane

A detail from the original ending I care too much about

When Seymour feeds Audrey to Twoey, he lays her feet-first into his mouth. I know this was prolly to have him closer to her head to make the scene sadder, but I like to look way too much into details(Also, my dad’s a herpetologist, so I know a bit too much about certain animals lol).

Most animals that eat their prey whole(snakes, as an example), eat them head-first. This is usually because they go down easier; feet-first can make the tail(if there is one) go down wrong, along with the prey’s legs going in at a weird angle and scratching at the inside of the creature’s mouth/throat. In the movie, Twoey actually does this!!! He eats Mushnik n Seymour head-first, even holding Seymour’s arms at his sides with his vines to go down easier!!!

Abiding by these rules, Audrey’s high heels, fancy dress, and longer nails would undoubtedly damage the inside of Twoey. I know this is most likely making mountains outta molehills, but it’s interesting to think that Seymour purposefully set Audrey in that way to try and hurt him.

This also adds detail to when Twoey eats Seymour!!! He holds his branches around him weirdly long- up to the point where Seymour enters his throat. I like to think that due to the damage Audrey caused, Twoey is doing this to make it *absolutely sure* that eating Seymour won’t hurt. This is his victory, it should go perfectly!!! He learned his lesson by trusting Seymour to feed him a full body, so he’ll make sure he doesn’t fuck up again

The director’s cut n additional scenes, for anyone who wants to see

Full ending is here, it shows the director’s cut n the workprint version next to each other as a comparison. Both are pretty low quality(ESPECIALLY around Mean Green Mother), but it shows the differences between the two, from the moment Audrey gets called by Twoey until the end: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gyQpDCAWpbs

Here’s just the director’s cut from Mean Green Mother to the end. It’s still low-quality, but it takes up the full screen n shows everything in full color: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7RjFvcw6ToQ

Okay I’m so so sorry this is so long, I’m just insane about this,, I sent a bit more that I hadn’t pre-written to a groupchat wiv my friends, too, so. Sorry to them 😭😭😭

[jennyslcte]

skipping over to episode 5 of defending jacob for a bit in my gif pack making process mainly bc of the sex scene, and bc i kinda prefer giffing chris in normal clothing for personal roleplaying purposes (he wears a lot of suits in the first few eps). but i mainly wanna apologize for the inconsistent coloring this pack is gonna have......IDK WHAT’S GOING ON WITH THIS EP IN PARTICULAR BUT EVERY. SHOT. HAS. DIFFERENT. DARK. BLUE. LIGHTING. it’s driving me nuts! but i’m trying my best out here...here’s a little peek 

[oddishblossom]

Tag People You Wanna Get to Know Better

Tagged by the wonderful and lovely @lans-rabbit-glade 😊💖! Thanks for tagging me izzy! I loved reading your answers :)

Relationship Status: It’s just me here (single pringle)

Favorite Colors: Pink & Red

Song Stuck in My Head: Do I Wanna Know by Arctic Monkeys… I’ve listened to that song probably a million times and I’m still not tired of it nor will I ever be 💖. I’m definitely not looping it for writing inspiration or anything (also izzy I see your song choice and I am tempted to roast you for being a mobile gamer 😜)

Last Thing You Googled: “There’d Better Be a Mirrorball.” I was looking up song lyrics (I listen to other artists besides arctic monkeys, I swear 😅)

Time: 11:47 PM when I’m writing this. But I usually queue most of my posts so it’ll be 10 AM when I’m posting this :3

Dream Trip: Hmmm, idk. I’m not much of an explorer lol. Maybe Japan or New Zealand? Just to say that I’ve been there before. Honestly, as long as I can go either shopping or to an amusement park I’ll be happy as a clam.

Last Thing You Read: It’s rare, but sometimes I want to read a cute high school AU with a love triangle. So the last thing I read was a tyrus fanfic called Of Course by CaithyCat & imnotanauthor. I’ve been rewatching Andi Mack, an old comfort show of mine. I know it’s a disney show “for kids” but sometimes I just feel like watching disney or nickelodeon shows ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Also this one in particular I started watching when I was bedridden for a month so it’s very dear to me :)

Last Book You Enjoyed Reading: Believe it or not, I actually read a paperback book last week. I was looking for a quote, so I opened my volume 2 of *cough* Scum Villain’s Self Saving System *cough*. And then I found the quote. And then I just kept reading until I was halfway through volume 3 and it was like 3 in the morning. Seriously, that book makes my brain go a little bonkers. The scene where Shen Qingqiu tries to hide Luo Binghe from Zhuzhi Lang nearly made me cry from laughing too hard.

Last Book You Hated Reading: Excluding fanfics, I can’t think of one… Maybe Tokyo Ghoul/:re back in 2017? I remember really hating that manga. Honestly, I’m really picky when choosing something to read so the stories I end up disliking I tend to just drop them and then completely forget they ever existed.

Favorite Thing to Cook/Bake: I’m kind of a terrible chef ngl. But the reviews are in and I make a pretty stellar spaghetti. Whenever my niece visits, she always asks me if I can make her my spaghetti because it’s way better than any she’s ever had. Getting that kid to eat anything is a struggle, so I’m really glad that she not only eats my food, she asks for seconds.

Favorite Craft to Do in Your Free Time: When I think of the word “crafts”, I imagine, like, art projects made by hand, so I’m not sure I can include writing and gif-making on this one. So excluding those, does drawing count? Even before I got a drawing tablet, I used to doodle all the time even on scraps of paper. I’m not really good at it, but it’s always been something I do just to kinda get my brain to chill.

Most Niche Dislike: Hmm. You know, it’s funny that you mentioned nail polish, izzy, because the first thing that popped into my head was long nails. I have tried to be that girl who gets a full set at the nail salon and I never did it again because the sound of my nails clacking against things bugged me. Like, I can’t even stand the feel of my own natural nails when they’re the slightest bit too long lol.

Opinion on Circuses: Never been to one. But, clowns slightly freak me out so I don’t have the best opinion of their home turfs.

Do You Have Any Sense of Direction: I’d say I do. Or maybe I think I do by association? My parents both have a pretty bad sense of direction and I used to help them a lot by printing out maps and searching for streets in relation to where we were. One of my older brothers used to always assign me as designated navigator because I’m good at keeping an eye on where we are and how to get back on track should we get lost

I liked this tag game! It was fun and refreshing. Gonna tag a couple of you, but please no pressure to respond! Only if you feel like making one 😊 @bioerin @kimievii @koujaaku @ashinlae @wallynorthbynorthwest @fluffyrabbitofdoom @apocalyptickoala @theraincanttouchus @mdzs-rabbithole + anyone who sees this and wants to make one 💖

[all-chickens-are-trans]

Still the “I wanna hear your thoughts anon”. I just find it interesting that Trent is wearing reds and purples and blues and sitting alone in the stadium because the opening credits has Ted sitting alone in his usual Ted attire but spreading colour around him, you know spreading joy and life and happiness, the Ted Lasso way and here we have Trent sitting in the stadium - not in a professional capacity as he has no pen or notepad in hand - but being supportive. Like a best friend, like a partner, like a boyfriend. Still rooting for the man and spreading the love when he doesn’t have to. Idk if this makes sense or if my brain saw Trent and went “OMG ITS TRENT” and lost all reasonable rational thought.

Yeah you're sooo right anon, i noticed as well that Trent is sitting where Ted usually sits alone in the opening credits!! the blue seats that Ted turns red, which. Interesting, because ted's color palette is often somewhere in the blues, so it's interesting that trent is wearing a blue jacket which puts him closer to ted (as opposed to the brown cord jacket that always made him stick out in every room).

Then there's the red which, in this show, I can't untie from the association of Dorothy's ruby slippers - the wizard of oz references in this show drive me nuts and if we get a "there's no place like home"/ted going back to kansas ending i might perish BUT that's beside the point here

SO. I think it's totally rational to lose all rational thought when trent appears on the screen because that's what I do and i'm sooo normal and sane about trent :) and the thing is. He's definitely just a side character in s1. he's barely even there in s2. And suddenly, he's everywhere???? He's the main plot driving character in the finale. He has the final scene of the season with Ted. He gets to say the sentence about "next season" that Rebecca got in s1. Absolutely bonkers of them to make him absent most of the season and then deliver THAT. and outside of the show?? They take Jimmy to all the press tours, to various Emmy events, AND NOW HE'S IN THIS??? Just a bunch of various real life football people and Trent Crimm, formerly of The Independent, now just some guy who 'roots for Ted'. Okay then. What does it mean.

[omegawolverine]

Plesse tell me about queerness in the get down!!

okay okay queerness in the get down let's fuckn goooo

disclaimer: I havent watched this show in full for like 5 months at least, probably gonna get something wrong and/or forget some more important bits. also this wasnt proof read I just word vomited

tws: period typical homophobia, abuse mention, f slur use, bury your gays trope, overdose mention, mention of a creepy possible age gap (the age gap hasnt been confirmed so that's why its possible), cops

going from least to most prominent queer characters, let's start with mylene cruz!

so, from the beginning of this show she has an established romantic relationship with ezekiel (although the status of their actual relationship changes frequently throughout the show) and though this was a relationship she was hesitant to pursue, it is clear that she does have romantic feelings for him and if not for them both having growing careers in very different music genres (zeke specifically working in a genre that she repeatedly labels as bad because she thinks they're ruining records + that it isnt real music because they're using someone elses piece and rapping over it, that's not really important here tho lol) they probably wouldve had a much healthier, smooth sailing romance. that being said theres a few things that happen in the show that, while not explicitly clear, or even really good coding at that—to the point where you wont catch if you really arent looking for it (and trust me, I always look for coding, hers was just so little that it flew over my head until I saw someone else mention it)—are still cool to think about!

so, for starters, I wanna mention the toy box performance, which was performed by mylene and regina, who are best friends. that's all cool and shit, and you dont really think much about it...until you hear about the fact that the show runners purposely colored a lot of the scenes in that performance with the bi colors. like. the writers after the show ended basically said "oh yeah there was plans to make her coding more explicit, but our shit got cancelled soooo" and then dropped the fact that she was gonna be bi (or at least implies bi) in the series, which puts a new twist on a few things.

now, besides the bi coloring in the background of the toy box performance (which was mostly on scenes with her and regina, which involved a lot of uh,, lowkey lewd dancing. with each other. in very revealing outfits. wooooo), there's her music! I dont tend to read too much into this one bc, like I said before, her coding is fucking light and the writers themselves said they didnt really get to do much with it, but I think some stuff with her music is interesting. specifically how her, yolanda and regina's song set me free blew up because dizzee, resident (lowkey enby coded) bicon, got their song played in a queer club. also that the song was majorly important to dizzee and started playing literally right as he kissed a boy for the first time and realized "oh shit I like boys that's bonkers". also that the song can be taken in a gay way since literally the entire thing is about becoming your true self, fully and unapologetically, which is what both dizzee and mylene's entire character arcs are about. dizzee (and a lot of other queer people, apparently), heard this song about being set free and it resonated with them so much that they got that shit most of its popularity.

speaking of dizzee and mylene, they parallel each other a lot in the way that their arcs are about them realizing who they are, coming into themselves and no longer just letting people treat them like shit in a sense (dizzee starting to tell people essentially that they can call him weird all they want, they can make fun of how he acts, what he likes, how he dresses, etc. but he likes how he is and quite literally saying "it's okay to be an alien" as he has consistently compared himself to one throughout the show vs mylene learning that if she wants to be a disco singer she needs to put her foot down, not let anyone, not even the love of her life, not even her abusive father, stop her from achieving her dreams, etc. and continuing to pursue her career with or without their support). one more little parallel that I think is interesting is during I think s2 towards the end of the show is when dizzee and thor are shown together having fun with each other, painting all over the building and each other and are basically just being happy and in love together and then they have these clips of them being interspersed with clips of mylene at a party where she is starting to realize that if she wants to get anywhere she needs to be her own main priority and that she needs to put her career and her dream, which is what makes her the happiest, above all else if she wants to succeed. idk I just think how the show made these two into a weird parallel, accidental or not, is neat. maybe not an explicitly queer parallel, but I think at least how her music and whatnot helped dizzee, the main queer character in this show, blossom, is important.

moving on we got shaolin fantastic also known as "oh no your internalized homophobia is showing-"

so, heres a quick list of...interesting shao facts:

Consistently referred to as fag/faggot (shaolin fanfaggot is my personal favorite); he gets really defensive about this despite nobody actually thinking he's queer, it's just people being assholes to be assholes, and he is the only character consistently referred to using a slur, especially a homophobic one, especially for a "straight" character. dizzee, a canonically queer character, is called a fag less than shaolin is even though dizzee actively goes to gay clubs, has a not so secret dude he "hangs out with" and wont let anyone properly meet, paints his nails, wears less than straight clothes even by the 70s standards and is just all around the definition of fucking queer (and I mean like in the weird way, not the gay way). in fact theres only like once I can remember him being called a fag and it had nothing to do with him actually being gay it was literally just like thrown out there the same way you would call someone a bitch.

Has only shown sexual interest in women, yet refuses to have deeper relationships with women in general (possibly because of trauma but who knows) but takes his relationships with his "brothers", specifically zeke, very seriously

Tells zeke and zeke ONLY his real name when zeke was planning to stop being his friend bc shao more or less got boo boo, a like 14 year old black kid, arrested for selling hard drugs; he was clearly scared and trying to do anything to keep zeke around, literally chasing him down the street and hounding him until he got zeke to stop and argue with him

Kept threatening to beat up zeke in the end but couldn't actually bring himself to do so, instead saying that zeke is "fucking lucky" before walking away

Let's zeke get away with things that nobody else can, in general just has a weird soft spot for ezekiel that he shows with nobody else

when shao found dizzee with thor in a vaguely compromising situation (like they were just shirtless covered in paint sleeping next to each other but shao had also seen everything they painted on the walls ((which some of it was sus)), it was clear they had painted on each others bodies and dizzee had been routinely disappearing with this guy for weeks now yet not producing nearly as much art, at least, as far as we audience members know) he didnt judge him but instead, waited for him to get cleaned up and then told him something along the lines of "theres a reason why im so secretive blah blah blah [not everyone needs to know everything about me]", which, in context, kinda implies that he might be a lil. a lil homiesexual. jus a lil.

whenever even the possibility of zeke leaving him comes up he absolutely loses it. he has literally cost ezekiel life changing opportunities because he thought zeke would just up and leave him for them. this could be abandonment issues bc he's a severely traumatized character, and that probably does contribute to it, but it also is just not a reaction he has to any of their other friends just randomly dipping in and out of his life soooooo

generally speaking, this mfer has got either bisexual with a big hard on for zeke coding or homosexual with terrible internalized homophobia and still a hard on for zeke coding. either fucking way, that nigga gay. he gay as hell. gay as fuck man. there wasn't really much to analyze here tbh bc the coding is just so fucking obvious if you look for it or you are/have been a gay person who's dealt with at least a little bit of internalized homophobia.

also, just a sidenote, idk how fucking old shao, but I'm praying hes like at max 19 bc I'm pretty sure zeke is a minor in this show and shao definetly is not so the whole him being heavily implied to have a crush on ezekiel thing is kinda. oof. not oof if zeke is like 17 but any younger than that? OOF.

edit: apparently the characters are only supposed to be a year apart in age but i had no clue about that before writing this post and since shaos age was never actually stated in the show i naturally assumed he was an adult since his actor Looks Like An Adult. this is definetly on me to a certain extent, but i also never saw anything about this when trying to find our their ages so 🤷‍♀️ maybe i just didnt look deep enough, sorry!

now moving on to the main event...marcus dizzee kipling :]

so, first things first, let's talk enby coding bc him being bisexual was already confirmed!

um, to start off, I just wanna say I dont think this enby coding was intentional or even really coding, it's just moreso me being a dizzee kin on main and knowing as a transmasc enby he has very transmasc enby vibes. for example:

cool, gender neutral nickname that everyone calls him

paints nails various different colors

the whole wardrobe is just a transmasc enby heaven...fishnet shirts, jean overalls, jackets and cuffed pants galore, the big colorful pins, etc

gender neutral hairstyle (when I had my fro it was very sexy and made it easy to transition between hyper masc and vaguely fem, which is pog)

comparing himself to/representing himself consistently with an alien character (though this is meant to represent his sexuality, it could also double as a gender thing too, not neccesarily bc of the whole nonbinary alien trope but bc an enby who likes aliens might heavily identify or compare themselves to whatever their idea of an alien is, whether that just be a genderless entity or a motherfucker with fly style and no need to be perceived as anything other Wacky As Hell)

moving on from there, let's talk about how his queerness is presented to us and how, while it may be a really good piece of representation, especially coming from netflix, it still lacks in A Lot of places.

so, let's start with good things!

i personally really like the get down's queer rep with dizzee bc it's (for the most part) nonsexualized and very very soft, about dizzee figuring himself out and realizing there is a place where he fits in, and about two teenagers in the 70s falling in love over their shared passion for street art. it also features an interracial couple where both boys challenge stereotypes both about queer men and men of color, which is epic poggers and very sexy. this piece of rep specifically is very important to me bc I am a queer black person and even tho interracial relationships are mostly normalized now, I've still had people give me shit for primarily dating white people in a town that is...primarily white lol

mm anyways, I can also appreciate how in the get down, dizzee being represented by rumi the alien is not a thing specifically related to gender (as it often is) and instead is about his sexuality and just in general weirdness and how it has led to him being alienated amongst his peers, poc or otherwise. him seeing himself as an alien is not about just his queerness, which is important, it is about him being a queer black man who talks different, acts different, dresses different and is "soft"—he isnt a walking black male stereotype and he wouldnt have been seen as masculine back in the 70s by any stretch of the imagination. this can be relatable to a wide spectrum of queer poc, from queer black men currently who still have to deal with this shit or to people like myself who are afab neurodivergent mixed race enbies that have always been signaled out as weird and alienated for it. dizzee is god rep bc while he has a small part in this show, his parts are very impactful, hard hitting and show queer poc of all ages that they arent alone and that it's okay to "weird", you just need to embrace it because somebody will love you for you, as thor did for dizzee.

that being said theres um. some minor problemas here,,,

namely:

dizzee and thors first kiss

the lack of development this pairing got

the way dizzee was confirmed bisexual off screen, he never said the words himself, just showed interest in both genders

the way dizzee and thor were never even confirmed boyfriends or just fwb so most of the fandom just calls them boyfriends bc Why Not

dizzee was implied fucking DEAD??? AT THE END OF THE SERIES?????? AND THOR WAS IMPLIED ARRESTED?????????????

now, these might have been things that wouldve been fine had the show been given it's full run but it wasnt which is why we are now left with probelms.

so, from the top, let's go over these: dizzee and thor's first (and only "on screen") kiss was one that was shown in a montage of other queer people making over and doing other vaguely romantic/sexual things, one of those things being a whole ass naked titty being mouthed at, but the actual kiss...was just not shown? like they really did just say "yes they kissed <3 you know this from the context clues of it being in a montage with kissing, hickey giving and titty sucking <3 but no we will not show it <3" LIKE HELLO? I SAW A NAKED BOOBIE BUT NOT TWO MEN KISS??? HUH????????

also, dizzee and thor were both fucking high as hell during this bit like this isnt a terrible thing but it's also like sometimes you do shit when you're high that you wouldnt do sober and they just never kissed again on screen so like?? like idk that's not that bad but it does kinda irk me since they deadass got no other on screen intimacy after that unless you including painting on eacher other or sleeping next to each other on a shitty mattress but not touching at all during it bc they were both at opposite ends of the mattress like half way off it

so yeah, that was trash. then we got lack of development, which kinda goes with the "dizzee being a bisexual but he never says it in canon" thing cause like...okay dizzee was already sort of a side character from the get go like he wasnt the mc by any means, but he became way more of a background character as things continued until we basically only saw him for performances or when he was with thor, yet they got no fucking development as a pairing other than "dizzee realize he gay, he like thor, he and thor spend time together and ig probably do some gay stuff but we dont really know bc we only ever see them do graffiti together now" like?? tf am I supposed to do with that shit. answer. quickly. and then theres dizzee not being confirmed bisexual, which is just a running problem with shows literally doing everything to say a character is bi except for having the character just...say they're bi? which would be so easy? like a good way dizzee and thor couldve had some development is by thor teaching dizzee things about the queer community that he didnt even know existed, thor couldve helped him understand what being bi meant and helped him label himself and whatnot but instead we got an off screen confirmation that the writers had bisexual in mind when writing him. which is garbagé.

the whole thor and dizzee never having a confirmed relationship status is also a development problem cause like literally nobody knows if they were just friends who made out, maybe fucked, who knows, or if they were dating bc dizzee does give a love confession but a love confession doesn't mean there is a relationship, especially since thor didn't say he was in love either (as far as I remember, I could be wrong, plus whether or not that really happened or was apart of dizzee literally overdosing during a performance is unclear so 🤪)

and now for the biggest issue...bury your gays trope.

during the season 2 finale, dizzee and thor are chased by cops after they are found doing graffiti, one of the cops is able to catch thor while the other chases dizzee into a train tunnel and there is a train seen headed straight for him before the show cuts to black on a train horn. the show writers claim that if they had gotten another season, dizzee wouldve been alive but since they didnt and since that's essentially super fan trivia knowledge, most people dont fucking know that and instead had to watch a black queer teenager chose death over being fucking arrested by a white cop. on top of that, thor didnt see any of that shit because he was caught and the cop started hauling him off while dizzee was still being chased so thor literally has no clue where his friend/possible boyfriend fucking is or that he's likely dead in a goddamn tunnel all alone, unless you count the fucking pig that chased him in there who wouldve died too. this shows rep was so fucking good as far as most shows go on not having major fucking problems, on not being toxic and over sexualized, etc, etc. and then they just. killed a black queer teenager for no fucking reason. like it was literally the last episode ever, it would add nothing to the plot, it would just devastate fans and devastate it fucking did. I dont cry easy but seeing a character I identified with, who I had hyperfixated on, die because he'd rather that than be arrested is terrible. it fucking sucked.

so yeah. that's my all too extensive thoughts/analysis on the get down's queerness. theres definitely stuff I missed, or misinterpreted, or looked too much into, etc, etc., but this was a fun thing to spend time writing sooo yeah!! thanks for the ask anon, sorry this was just a big rambley info dump, but hopefully you get some enjoyment out of it since it took like 3 hours at least 😭😭 feel free to ask clarifying questions lol

[thiswasinevitableid]

For the meet uglies, 41, Sternclay, NSFW?

Here you go! And if you're a fan on "Let me be good to you" this has very similar vibes.

41: I’m at the 24/7 gym at 2 in the morning and I thought I was alone so I’m singing in the showers, but when you start singing with me, I’m startled and slip so the first time we meet, we’re both wet and naked

Stern blames the playlist he had on at work for the fact his morning devolves into chaos. He works better to the blues (or 2000s pop hits, but those don’t feel right when going over files on suspicious incidents in Appalachia). So he hums as he rinses the remnants of his workout down the drain. He’d never sing where someone can hear, but since no one is here.

I want a little steam on my clothes

Maybe I could fix things up so they'll go

What's the matter daddy, come on, save my soul

He goes to rinse his hair and realizes the song is still going.

I need some sugar in my bowl, I ain't foolin'

I want some sugar in my bowl

His lizard brain yells two separate messages; “baritone voice very hot” and “oh god who’s there.”

The second message leaps into the driver seat and, in his attempt to turn, peer out of the stall, and be sure it’s just another patron, his foot finds the traces of soap on the floor.

“Shit” He falls backwards out of the stall, thudding to the floor.

“Oh fuck.” A man emerges two stalls to his left, soaking wet and flailing for a towel, “I’m so fucking sorry, I’m so used to singing along with the radio. Are you okay?”

Joseph scans his body, finds nothing broken, “Yes.”

“Thank god.” The other man flicks shaggy hair from his face. In the split second before he gets the towel around his waist, Joseph’s gym manners fail him and he glances down. At least he’s getting several weeks worth of masturbation fodder from this humiliating moment.

“Here man, lemme help you up.”

Joseph takes the offered hand, then grits his teeth and swiftly turns to grab his own towel from where he hung it. He’d rather not show a stranger his ass, but this is how his night is going. As he turns back, he spots the other man quickly redirecting his stare from his ass to the floor.

Once both showers are off, Joseph changes and packs his bag. The stranger is at the mirror, tying his hair back and combing his beard.

“I’m sorry, my singing probably startled you too.”

A shrug of broad shoulders, “I work in kitchens, I’m so used to background noise some of it barely registers. And I always have the radio on when it’s just me in the mornings.”

“Hence the singing along?”

“Yeah, and why I’m here so early. I try to get my exercise in before work. Gotta admit, when I joined this gym I didn’t expect anyone else would be in for a 2 a.m workout.”

“My hours are all over the place. I’m with the FBI and when I’m on a case I tend to, um, lose track of time. Or work way later than I should.” He shoulders his bag, raises his hand in a wave, “it was nice meeting you. Even it was alarming at first.”

“Same to you” the man smiles at him over his shoulders, “and if you’re ever here at zero dark thirty again and want a gym buddy, I’m happy to keep you company.”

--------------------------------------

It’s a month before Joseph runs into him again. He swipes his card at the gym, finds the clank of a weight rack in place of the usual silence. The man from the showers smiles at him as he puts his bag near medicine balls, and when he’s done with his set he crosses the 80s-colored carpet to join him.

“It’s much nicer to see you when I can see you coming.” Joseph smiles politely, not catching his own subtext until the other man blushes.

“No kidding. I, uh, this may sound weird, but could I work-out with you? I’ve been doing the same routine for years because it’s what I know, but it gets so fucking boring.”

“I wouldn’t mind the company, though be warned that I do a lot of core and don’t use the machines all that much.”

“Totally fine. I’m, uh, I’m Barclay, by the way.” He holds out his hand and Joseph pictures twisting it behind his back while pinning him over one of the benches.

Instead, he shakes it, “Joseph.”

-----------------------------------------

“I’m serious about skipping this if you need to” Joseph starts up the treadmill as Barclay jogs on the one beside him, “if you’re on your feet all day at work this could make that really uncomfortable.”

“Nah, I’ll be fine.”

It’s the truth; he may not be as in-shape as Joseph, but he’s still pretty fit, and they only do thirty minutes of running. But it’s equally true that he’d rather suffer some extra-sore legs than lose out on a half-hour of his limited time with his friend.

He’d been hoping for someone to spot him and maybe teach him some new lower body exercises, with the added bonus of having some basic things (like music taste and bonkers work schedules) in common. What he’s gotten is someone with a dorky sense of humor, and extensive knowledge of cryptozoology and mystery novels, and the stamina to make engaging conversation about those things while running or working a rowing machine.

It helps that Joseph is so hot that he could caramelize sugar just by looking at it. The glimpses he caught of him when they met were tantalizing; the way his dark hair gradually loosens from it’s gelled state, the way his cheeks turn pink when flushed and sweating, the few times his voice turns truly breathless? Barclay is ready to get on his knees and beg for him to do obscene things in the locker rooms.

What makes this desire impossible to shake is the suspicion that it’s shared. He’s caught Joseph looking at him in a way that isn’t just about his form, and when he shows Barclay a new exercise he stands closer and lingers longer than strictly necessary. And his Freudian slips are so frequent and obvious they may as well be Freudian nightgowns.

Just when he thinks Joseph can’t get any hotter, the agent texts him around their three month mark of working out together warning that he’ll be late. When he arrives, Barclay drops the five pound plate he was moving.

Joseph hasn’t changed clothes. He’s in a full, black suit, shined shoes, and a silver and blue tie that Joseph wants him to take off and loop around Barclays throat instead. The agent smiles with a promise to be right back, seems bemused when he returns to find Barclay in the exact spot and position he left him.

“You okay, big guy?” The nickname is one of the many ways he built a home for himself in Barclays daydreams.

“Uh. Uh, yeah, sorry, got lost in thought. I haven’t started on the full workout, did some extra stretching since I’m kinda tight from yesterday. You wanna do weights first?”

“Sure.”

Their routine lasts about an hour. It’s an act of god that Barclay gets through it unscathed. Joseph is even more hands-on than usual, and his cologne (bergamot and citrus, if Barclay has his scents right) hasn’t had a chance to fade. The most distracting element of the whole morning is his friend’s voice; there’s an edge to it, like a knife in a velvet sheath, and Joseph gives fewer suggestions and more orders.

Barclay wants him to sound like this forever. But only if he can rearrange his life so that he can follow every command.

After a very cold shower, he falls in next to Joseph as they push through the double doors into the warm night. When he reaches his car, the other man touches his cheek.

“Drive safe, big guy.”

He wonders if Joseph can feel him blush in the dark, “I will, agent. I promise.”

-----------------------------------------

“I told them to get those dark spots checked” Joseph shakes his head at the notice on the door informing them the gym will be closed for the next two weeks to repair massive water damage in the ceiling.

“I’m just bummed I won’t get to work out with you. It’s not as fun alone in my apartment.”

“You could come over to mine, if we can find a time where it works.”

“I’d love to.”

Barclay double checks that the address on the apartment in front of him matches the one Joseph sent, while trying not to fixate on the text that came with it.

Joseph: Be ready, big guy, I’m going to work you hard

He knocks on the designated door, pushes it open when Joseph calls for him to come in. There’s a yoga mat on the floor and a stationary bike in the corner, and far too little space for two grown men to work out together.

“Do you want me to help move the couch? That might give us...more...room.”

Joseph, in his full suit and dress shoes, leans against the kitchen doorway with a confident smile.

“Y-you’re not working out with me, are you?” Barclay’s hopes hurry to the front of his brain, tripping up his tongue.

“No. I did mine earlier today.” He runs a finger along Barclay’s chest, “I designed a special one, just for you. If you get through it all, you get a reward.”

“What kind?”

Joseph leans in to kiss him softly and swiftly, “I’ll let you fuck me.”

Barclay’s hands fly out to grips his shoulders as he groans, “fuck, babe, really?”

“Really. But first, you have to pick two things from this list.” He hands Barclay a sheet of memo paper with a neatly written list of the lewdest exercises he’s ever seen. He’d offer to do all of them, but then he might not have enough energy to enjoy his reward.

“The, uh, the push ups and the crunches.”

Joseph raises an eyebrow expectantly.

“Please?”

“Okay, big guy, we’ll do those. Get on the mat, push up position.”

Barclay hurriedly obeys. Freshly shined shoes step onto the top edge of the mat.

“We’ll just do thirty today. I’ll count. Ready?”

He nods.

“Good boy. Down, one”

Barclay bends his elbows, only stopping when his lips touch the top of Joseph’s shoes. He holds there a two-count, then rises.

“Down, two.”

He repeats the motion, keeps time with Joseph’s count as a hint of polish curls into his nose. It should be boring, maybe even degrading, but fuck him if it isn’t the hottest fucking thing he’s done in years. Joseph is so put together, so poised, Barclay feels like an unkempt beast next to him in his gym clothes. Yet he’s letting him kiss his lovingly shined shoes, telling him he’s a good boy as he works up a sweat.

“Down, thirty.” Joseph joins him on the floor as Barclay sits back on his heels, “well done. Now, on your back please.”

Barclay lays down. Joseph grabs a silver item from the side table and holds it in front of him. It takes his lust-glazed brain a second to grasp it’s a cock cage.

“Can I put this on you? You’ll have to wear it the rest of the workout.”

“Ohfuckplease.”

Joseph leans forward enough to kiss his chest, then shifts his shorts down to his thighs and locks the cage into place.

“If you need to stop, just say red. Okay?”

He nods frantically.

“Okay?” Joseph repeats with a stern look.

“Okay.”

“Good boy.” Joseph lifts his legs and sets them over his left shoulder. Barclay whimpers as there’s a snap of a latex glove and a pop of lube. Joseph smirks as Barclay whines at his teasing touches.

“Two sets, forty each. Go ahead and count in your head.”

“Okay” He curls his body, only gets through two more crunches before a finger presses in. “fuck!”

“Focus, big guy.” Joseph kisses his knee.

“I am, I’m focusing on the fact you’re a fucking genius.”

“If you lose count, you’ll have to start over” he presses in the second finger, “and that means longer until your reward.”

“I’m, I’m on twenty!”

A kiss to his calf, “Keep going.”

By the time he hits the second “forty” his legs are burning and Joseph is stretching his ass open with three fingers. He pulls them free but keeps Barclays legs in place, tugs the glove off and removes a blue, silicone plug from his jacket pocket . It slides in comfortably, but Barclay whimpers his name all the same.

“You’re doing so well Barclay. Are you ready to keep being my good boy?”

“Yes, please yes.”

Joseph sets his legs on the floor, guides him to his knees so he can pull his shorts up, and then helps him to his feet, pausing to kiss him sweetly and run his lips along his neck.

“Twenty minutes on the bike. Whatever speed you like.”

Barclay eases himself onto the seat, starts pedaling and watches longingly as Joseph heads into the kitchen saying he'll be back in a minute. The plug isn’t too uncomfortable to sit on, so this should be a breeze.

He hunches forward with a moan as it starts vibrating. Joseph strides back into the room, remote control in hand, only stopping to give Barclay another kiss and run his fingers through his hair before dropping onto the couch.

“Let me know when you’re done.” He picks up a copy of Empire and starts reading, heedless of Barclay’s increasingly loud moans.

The vibrator starts and stops, sometimes a gentle buzz and sometimes a furious pulse, and Barclay fights to keep the pedals going under the onslaught, desperate not to lose time and eager to please the man stealing tender, hungry glances at him from the couch.

“Time” He gasps, pulling his feet free from the pedals. Joseph is up and to him before his legs have a chance to wobble. Once he’s on the couch, shirt soaked with sweat, Joseph straddles him and kisses him demandingly, mouth moving from lips to cheek to neck without a care for sweat.

“Will you be a good boy and let me get off on you?”

“You know I fuckin will, fuck, babe, wanna be so fuckin good for youAH, ohgod” He throws his arms around Joseph, clinging and groping as he grinds on the cage and the aching cock within it.

“You look so good like this big guy, exhausted and obedient for me.”

“Yes, yesyes all for you, Joseph, please cum on me.”

“I will baby, don’t worry.” He brushes their lips together, “do you want some more kisses while I do.”

“Uhhuh” He whines, the noise only growing as Joseph kisses him and works his hips recklessly, his hands slipping up Barclays shirt to squeeze his pecs and toy with his nipples. When the tempo of his jerking hips changes, Barclay holds him tighter, needing to feel the way his body tenses and shudders as he cums more than he’s needed anything in his life.

“There” Joseph grins, panting, and pulls the key to the cage from his breast pocket, “now you can have your reward.” He slides to the floor, yanking Barclays shorts with him on the way. The cock cage hits the carpet and then a wet, enthusiastic mouth swallows him almost to the root.

“Ohfuck, Joseph, babe I’m gonna cum in like two seconds you, you might wanna-”

The agent pulls off, lazily licking the head, “I don’t want cum on the carpet, big guy. So be a good boy and cum down my throat.”

He gets exactly three and a half ecstatic thrusts into Joseph’s mouth before his orgasm knocks the breath from him and he cums, moaning out thanks as he does. When he’s spilled the last of it, Joseph sits back, breathing deep and wiping his lips.

“J-joseph? Will you, uh, will you kiss me again?”

The other man clambers into his lap, bitter taste on his tongue when Barclay glides his own against it. When he finally stops to breathe, Joseph pets his beard.

“Was all that okay?”

“So fucking okay. It was incredible. I, I feel so fucking good. Sweaty, but good.”

A kiss on the cheek, “Shower is just down that hall. Go get clean while I order dinner.”

“Okay.” Barclay looks at him with dreamy hope, “do you, uh, wanna do this again sometime?”

“Often. If, um, if that’s okay with you?”

Barclay nods, “as long as we can still work out together? I like doing that with you.”

“Of course, big guy.”

[dialovers-translations]

DIABOLIK LOVERS Alice NET Tokuten Drama CD “The Wicked Sonata of Mushrooms”

Original title: キノコ凶奏曲

Source: Diabolik Lovers Alice NET Tokuten Drama CD [CD not owned by me]

Audio: Here

Seiyuu: Toriumi Kousuke, Kaji Yuki & Takashi Kondou

Translator’s note: This CD was honestly quite...difficult to translate. Especially the end part had me scratching my head because it is so difficult to understand what they’re saying in between the crazy laughter and ugly sobbing. I thought the one drama CD with the chocolate factory was the pinnacle of craziness, but this probably beats it. I could barely even recognize Subaru and Shuu near the end. xD

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

The three boys are walking through the forest at night.

Kanato: Why do I have to do this sort of thing?

Subaru: Fuck off! That’s my question!

Shuu: Haah...Why do we have to go all the way up the mountain to the forest in the middle of the night...to collect mushrooms?

Subaru: Besides, what’s with this group composition!? Fuckin’ bonkers! Also, why do I have to collect mushrooms with these jerks?

Kanato: Excuse me? Are you displeased by my company?

Subaru: Does it look like I’m jumpin’ in joy to you? You lost your mind or somethin’?

Kanato: ...!! Tsk...This pisses me off...He’s the younger one of us two! As long as you continue to show such rude behavior towards me, I will not mind if you burn in hell for the rest of your life.

Subaru: Aah~? You wanna go at it? Bring it on, midget!

Kanato: ‘Midget’...Did you hear him just now, Teddy? He’ll be your next prey...

Shuu: Ah, right, right...What a drag...Where do you guys find the strength to jump at each other’s troat over every single little thing? Geez...Isn’t it a bother? I’m honestly impressed by your energy.

Kanato: Please do not group me together with someone like you. I am an aggressive Vampire after all.

Shuu: ...What part of you screams ‘aggressive’ exactly?

You ask what they will do today. 

Shuu: ...Huh? Ah. Rightー You were with us as well. ...Huh? Today’s objective? Uhm...What was it again?

Subaru: Don’t be forgettin’ it! We’re here to collect mushrooms ‘cause of that jerk Reiji, right? Che...! It’s a damn drag so let’s just hurry up and pick those mushrooms so we can go home. ...Anyway, why mushrooms? Why me?

You tell him you have no other choice.

Subaru: Hah? It can’t be helped ‘cause we lost the game? Che! I thought I could win...!

Kanato: Mushrooms have such a mushy texture inside your mouth, I can’t imagine eating them on their own. Not to mention they’re incredibly plain and beyond saving. In other words, an ingredient which very closely resembles you.

Shuu: Agreed. Besides, why does Reiji want those anyway?

You prove them wrong.

Shuu: ...Hah? What did you say? They’re not that useless? Mushrooms are healthy and perfect for those on a diet?

Subaru: Pfftー ‘Diet’. ...Hehe. What’s that? So they’re meant for you, huh?

Kanato: Good point. Fufufu...Reiji might have been thinking out of consideration for you and all of your excess fat.

Shuu: Aah, that might be true. Besides, it’s that guy we’re talking about. He might make some sort of drug out of the mushrooms we plucked. The one’s he requested are those with orange and green dots, red and black striped ones and also those in a bright, yellow color. 

Subaru: Basically those mushrooms are pretty nice ones? Do they have some sort of special effect?

Kanato: Are they like those ‘matsutake’ (1) Japanese people seem to enjoy so much? ...Have you seen them?

You shake your head.

Kanato: Eh? You haven’t? They might be rare in that case. 

Shuu: I don’t know but maybe. Well, either way, things will get troublesome if we don’t bring them back so let’s just hurry up and get this over with. 

The group continues walking.

Subaru: I see...They’re good mushrooms, huh? Maybe they’re like those that make your body grow bigger...? 

Kanato: Matsutake...I don’t dislike matsutake...In fact...

Shuu: Haah...What a pain. I’m sleepy. 

*TIMESKIP*

Shuu: Found them. The dotted, striped and bright yellow ones. 

Kanato: I did not think we would find them so easily. Not to mention, there’s heaps of them.

Subaru: I see...So these are the mushrooms that make you grow bigger...

Shuu: ...Haah?

Subaru: ...!! N-Nothin’...Anyway, we just gotta bring these to Reiji? Piece of cake.

Shuu: True. Anyway, let’s hurry up and take these baーー

Subaru: Hold up. 

Kanato: What is the matter?

Subaru: Let’s have some while we’re at it. 

Shuu: Haah...? Are you dumb? You want to get ripped apart by Reiji? He’d actually do it.

Subaru: No! Just look how many there are! I doubt we’d get in trouble for snackin’ on a few right here. We’re the ones pickin’ them after all. We’re free to do with them as we please, don’t you think?

Shuu: Ahー Even so...

Kanato: I think that’s a great idea. I agree. Actually, I’m hungry.

Shuu: Haah...Kanato...You too? 

Subaru: Right!? You’re hungry as well, aren’t you? Right?

You nod.

Subaru: See? She wants some as well.

Shuu: Don’t agree with them too. But they’re mushrooms Reiji requested, right? Seems kinda risky. Say, don’t you agree?

You nod.

Shuu: Exactly. You’d be better off not eating them.

Subaru: Hah! What’s this, Shuu? Gettin’ cold feet? 

Shuu: That’s not the problem...

Kanato: You pulling weird faces (2) over there, cook these at once. Please make it fit our tastes. Right now.

Shuu: Oi, oi...You’re seriously gonna eat them?

Kanato: Reiji was willing to rely on us to get his hands on these mushrooms. There must be something special about them. Come on, stop wasting time and get to cooking already. I am hungry.

Shuu: Good grief, guess it can’t helped. ...Well, it’s not like I’m totally uninterested. But well, it sucks that I can’t see this ending well.

*TIMESKIP*

You have prepared a soup with the mushrooms.

Subaru: It’s finally done, huh? Honestly, you really are an unbelievable slowpoke!

You frown.

Subaru: ...What’s with that face? ‘You don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to’? I never said a single thing ‘bout wantin’ it, did I!? 

Shuu: This color is something else...The green, red and yellow have all melted together...Turning into a color I’ve never even seen before.

Kanato: I have seen something similar before. That one time I crushed a caterpiーー

Shuu: Ah, fine fine! Not another word on that! I’ll lose my appetite. I have a weak stomach when it comes to that sorta stuff.

Subaru: Hah! Lame! Why are you shittin’ your pants over a lil’ critter?

Shuu: Do you even understand? The feeling of walking underneath the shade of a tree for a nice nap, when suddenly a hairy bug comes dropping down onto your shoulder...? Or when you finally get rid of it after it stuck to your clothes and lie down thinking you can sleep, only to have a caterpillar fall right on your face...!? 

Subaru: Ah...Uhm...How to put it...My bad.

Shuu: ...Glad you understand. Anyway, let’s dig in.

Kanato: If it tastes bad, you will be to blame, remember? I hope you understand?

You protest.

Kanato: Eh...? You can’t take responsiblity? ...You’ve taste tested it at least, haven’t you?

You shake your head.

Subaru: ...What!? You haven’t!? Are you dumb!? You really think we can eat somethin’ that hasn’t even been tasted!?

Shuu: Then, let’s have you give it a taste first. 

You decline.

Shuu: Eh? You’ll pass? It’s fine, no need to be shy. Come on, no complaints...Hurry up.

Shuu feeds you the mushroom soup.

*Gulp*

Kanato: Haah...Good grief, what a troublesome human.

Subaru: So, how does it taste?

You reply.

Subaru: Eh? Surprisingly normal? Not what you’d expect from the looks of it?

Kanato: I knew it...

Shuu: Kanato. What do you mean?

Kanato: No, I realized right now that Reiji had us come fetch these mushrooms so he could scheme something. I am sure he is making use of our absence to set up some sort of trap to kill us. Then in the end, he will indulge in these mushrooms we went to gather while enjoying the view of our dead bodies. He is that type of guy. He must be mockingly laughing at us from the shadows right now, and in the end, he plans on keeping this girl all to himself.

Shuu: Haah...? You think so? Would he really make us do all of this just for thaーー

Subaru: No. He’s that sorta guy. He had us fetch this shit to try and have us walk straight into his trap!

Shuu: Hm...Really?

Kanato: You really are sticking up for him an awful lot, aren’t you? This blatant ‘brotherly love’ is making me sick.

Shuu: No, that’s not my intention...

Subaru: Anyway, we saw through his plans first. This is our chance to get one step ahead of him!

Subaru drinks the soup.

*Sluuuurp*

Subaru: She was right...It doesn’t taste too bad.

Kanato: Fufufu, oh please, don’t act like you are knowledgeable about that kind of stuff, when you never had any taste to begin with.

Kanato tries some as well.

Kanato: Mmh...It really is not bad.

Shuu: Well, I doubt there’s any grand scheme behind it but...

Shuu eats some as well.

*Nom nom*

Shuu: Hm...So-so, I guess? I can eat this as long as I ignore the horrendous color.

*Cling*

Subaru: ...Second serving!

Kanato: That was fast..!?

Shuu: Hey, don’t hog it all to yourself!

Subaru: Fuck off! It’s first come, first served! That’s the basic rule of any shared dish (3), isn’t it!? 

Kanato: I wasn’t aware of such a rule. 

Shuu: First come, first served is such a drag...It should just get served after being split evenly...

Subaru: ...Hm? What’s gotten into you? Why are you swayin’ from left to right?

You tilt your head to the side.

Subaru: Ah...? You’re not doin’ anythin’...? Nn...Aah...For some reason...The ground started spinnin’... Huh? Argh, fuck! What’s this!?

Kanato: ...Oh! What’s this...? An earthquake...? Or maybe a volcanic eruption...?

Shuu: Hm...? Now that you mention it...? My hands and feet seem to be tingling somewhat...Actually, you seem...fine? 

You nod.

Shuu: Hm? You feel totally normal? What is this...about?

Kanato: Don’t tell me...Could this actually be the...?

*DUN DUN DUN*

Subaru: ...!? A trap!? Reiji’s trap!?

*SHATTER*

Kanato: Fufu...Fufufufufu...!! Ahahahaha...!! Wait...You...Actually got drugged...!? Ahahahaha!!

Subaru: K-Kanato lost it...!! Uu...Uweeh...!!! *ugly sobbing*

Shuu: ...! You guys...!? Ah...Oh no...I can’t...Me too...My body’s...acting on its own...Uwahwahwah...!! I can feel it, the power overflowing from withiiiiiiiiin....!!!!!

Kanato: Ahahaha...Hey! ...You...Don’t just watch...but stop this...! Don’t you love me...!? Ahahaha...I love you this much after all... Ahahaha!

Subaru: Y-You bastard! H-How can spout that crap so casually...!? Uweeeeh...! I-If you’re gonna say that then she’s...she’s miiiiiiine....!!!! Uweeeeeh...If you hadn’t been there for, I would have...*more ugly sobbing*

Shuu: Hahahaha! What nonsense are you all spouting? I will make you mine, no matter what it takes! Yaaay!

Kanato: Ahahaha...I can’t...Ahaha...For some reason...This won’t...come to an end...Ahahaha!

Shuu: D-Don’t tell me...Is this...really...Reiji’s trap? No way...Aaaaaaaah!!!

Subaru: ...C-Come to...think of it...I’ve heard of this...Mushrooms which...only have an effect on Vampires so they’re...used as a trap for theeeeeeem!!

Kanato: Ahahahaha!

Shuu: Fuck...He got us good...He send us to fetch these...knowing we’d surely try and have a taste...Fuck, this suuuuuucks!

Subaru: Haah, haah...I can’t take it anymore...You! Do somethin’ about this!

Shuu: I’m begging you! Help uuuuuuus!!!

Kanato: ...Huh? What did you just say? ‘Serves you right’? I...I’m definitely punishing you...once the effects of this runs out...! Ahahahahaha...!!

ーー THE END ーー

Translation notes

(1) Matsutake are a large, expensive mushroom which is highly prized in various East-Asian areas. 

(2) 百面相 or ‘hyaku-mensou’ literally means ‘pulling a hundred different faces’ but it’s a term used to refer to a type of comedy act where the person uses (funny) facial expressions to make the other laugh. 

(3) Subaru uses the term 大皿料理 or ‘oozara-ryouri’ which literally means ‘big plate meal/dish’, referring to having one large plate of food set in the middle of the table and everyone shares it/takes their preferred amount. In Japanese cuisine, these kind of shared dishes are quite common. 

[mego42]

Shamelessly stealing @foxmagpie​’s monthly rec thing without the ability to get my life together to do these on a monthly basis so, seasonal recs! So excited to see if I manage to do this again with anything remotely resembling consistency but i’ve been keeping the notes for approximately 43 years (or since ~september, whatever that means) so by god i’m gonna use them. 

found my thrill - s_t_c_s / @sothischickshe​

Turner POV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

guys turner is SO OBSESSED with Beth and Rio

both canonically and in this fic

it’s gr9

also features a weirdly soothing and relatable cord untangling moment as a metaphor

truly disturbingly relatable turner pov tbh

relentless boomer disdain, always a plus

led to the creation of this monstrosity, not sure what kind of a monster would do that

War In My Mind - mintletters16

Backread!!!!

post-213, gorgeous character study 

guaranteed to make you feEl stUfF

I really love the like, cyclical, fractured pattern of Beth’s internal monologue, it gives the whole thing a really affecting at times dreamy, at times haunted vibe

the end twist is *chef’s kiss*

mourning bells - Ejunkiet / @ejunkiet​

Backread!!!!

Later s2 era, Rio’s at a funeral, gets drunk and calls Beth

V short, kind of…..mmm, not sweet, but almost? Idk

It’s got a wistful sort of almost/i can be quiet with you vibe that i go extremely bonkers for

delinquents - foxmagpie / @foxmagpie​

Lol are any of you actually not reading this yet?

g o d ch 8 where do i start

First off how ABSOLUTELY VERY DARE for the tragic angst that is delinquents!beth boland. This poor baby, this precious bean. MUST PROTEC

SHE’S TRYING HER BEST AND I LOVE HER

zero percent deserves dean’s clammy hands, no i have not forgotten, tattooed on my brain, will never forgive

I also love love love love LOVE the ruby/stan subplot happening

(and ruby’s mom!!!!!) (seriously though you write the best moms)

oh god and baby beth starting to have confusing feelings about rio?????? *chef’s kiss*

p sure i was just like, straight screaming the entire end of the chapter

the dugout is like, pure serotonin

I can’t even talk about the closet

tHe teNsiOn

thank you i will take eleventy billion

don't give it a hand, offer it a soul - medievalraven / @medievalraven

am a desperate heaux for any fic that features rio and mick friendship

you are all incredibly shocked i know

still would not be mad if this swerved into rio x mick fake dating but beth x rio is cool too i guess

Speaking of things i am a desperate heaux for: DIANE!!!!!!!!

and DATING ANNIE???????????? Blessed

honestly this fic is worth it purely for the assertion that mick watches queer eye

Why don't we go to Venus? - watermelonriddles / @bensonstablers​

another grief study! 

apparently i was working through some stuff in september, idk, that was like 4 years ago

considering it’s the premise of the fic, i don’t think it’s a spoiler to say this fic is canon divergent and working with the premise that rio killed beth in 302

he is uh, not coping well

extremely haunted you might say

lots of marcus and rhea which is a delight!

rhea is to good for him tbh

i said what i said

truly top notch dream (nightmare?) sequences

the conversation at the end is extremely uncalled for

drop the game - Ejunkiet / @ejunkiet​

Backread!!!!

Am going to die mad Beth and Rio didn’t hook up in 211 but luckily this fic scratched the itch 

(temporarily, it’s a fairly permanent itch)

Bonus rec: missing scene series i wanna do bad things to you featuring 2x02 and 2x04

Viva Voce - zetuslapetus / @querenaxx​

Whoops we woke up married Vegas shenanigans!! 

So cute!!!!! So sexy!!!!! 

What more do you want?

am desperately obsessed with how beth can’t help stalking rio

feels right, feels organic

this makes me feel a lot of stuff about how they could be without their canon garbage between them

🎶 we could’ve had it aaaaaaaaaaall 🎶

you showed me colors (i can't see them with anyone else) - gild_fire / @gild-and-fire​

really into the use of color to illustrate beth’s emotional state, i feel like there’s a word for that but idk what it is

UNIMPORTANT

really nice job capturing beth’s inner vulnerability balanced by her outer stubbornness

am DESPERATELY into Mick playing matchmaker

more please???????

Both Sides of the Law - JoeyLee / @joeyjoeylee​

LAW SCHOOL AU! I suuuuuuper love Beth and Rio here (alt pov!! a gift!!!!) I love how initially prickly they are, I love how it’s evolving into a grudging respect, I love how INCREDIBLY AND HILARIOUSLY OBSESSED WITH EACH OTHER THEY ARE and neither one of them seems to see it

listen I know we’re all already foaming at the mouth over this one but as it’s gonna go down as one of my all time favorites it bears repeating/rereccing

cannot stress enough how masterful the use of POV is here, both voices feel completely true and distinct and I love how the alternating chapters revisit, reveal and emphasize pieces of each other

i can’t talk about this fic without hyperventilating

I LOVE IT SO MUCH YOU GUYS

the slow burn is going to ACTUALLY KILL ME

rip, no regrats

Earned It - wakeupflawless / @wakeupflawless​

spanking

that’s it that’s the pitch

H O T

living for beth’s exit in the first chapter, rio and i are both incredibly into it

second chapter also features violently possessive Rio who cannot deal with anyone messing with his girl so if that’s your thing boy howdy get on it

shake, baby, shake - openhearts

backread!!!!!

according to my bookmarks this was a reread but ???????

must’ve read it in the fugue state that followed reading for a moment we were strangers which is gr9 and I believe I have recced it before. If not, horrible oversight, reccing it now

beth and Rio POV lead up to the bathroom break, beautifully done, low-key feel bad reccing it bc the end point of both chapters makes me want to throw things but it’s super worth it for the tEnsiOn. ENJOY

What the Sea Wants, the Sea Will Have - flashindie / @pynkhues​

I’m assuming all of y’all are already reading this

If not OH MY GOD FIX YOUR LIVES

P I R A T E  A U

I’m sorry maybe you didn’t hear me piRaTE aU

meticulously researched, brain-meltingly vibrant, already painfully sexy slow-burning PIRATE AU

god where to start okay so first off, the world-building here straight up breaks my brain, sophie’s put in the work and it SHOWS

second, the atmosphere. i’m generally a pretty like, vague mental picture sort of reader but the sensory detail here grabs you by the throat and like, forcibly hauls you in whether your brain’s wired that way or no

and hey speaking of throats if you, like me, go a little funny about the knees at the idea of beth holding a knife to rio’s throat (he’s fine, calm down), there’s a v excellent beth-in-a-barrel moment for you

oh christ and the sexy tension

it’s gonna be a race to see which slow burn takes me out first, this or law school

Stunner - foxmagpie / @foxmagpie​

Another high school AU, this time with baby Rio absolutely head over heels for his older sister’s bff

stunner!Rio has an emotional earnestness about him that I feel like delinquents!Rio has already outgrown and it’s so SWEET I can’t get enough

Desperately cute!!!!!!

alL he waNts iS foR beTh tO bE hiS girL

also unreasonably angsty???????

ANN ARBOR IS NOT THAT FAR MEGAN

A Heart's A Heavy Burden - tooshyforthis / @bathroombreaks​

Howl’s Moving Castle AU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love Howl’s!!!!!!!!!!!

perfect opp to roast Rio for being a Dramatique Heaux 

and it’s gonna be 9 chapters?????? H Y P E

author’s note boldly presumes I did not know I needed this AU when the reality is I did in fact know I needed this AU, I just wasn’t expecting anyone to deliver

so blessed

author also claims to not be team nose stud and yet it features prominently in all its magnificent glory

what is the truth dot gif

A Bit of a Stretch - septiembre / @septiembur​

SO????? CUTE?????????

would be on this list for Rio calling Beth E alone tbh

really really really really really love this Rio POV of being settled into a relationship with Beth

It manages to be sweetly domestic af while still holding the edge that makes brio brio which is a neat trick

@septiembur may be a witch

beth’s approach to getting rio to do yoga with her is hilarious and exactly right, canon-typical amounts of subtlety 

1000000/10

Post Break-Up Sex - femalegothic / @bethsuglywigs​

stg this was called Hit Shuffle

no matter

h O T

with a side of damn i’ve made some questionable choices in my life haven’t i introspection

(no regrats tho)

(esp not with this fic)

not the point of the fic by a long shot but i’m also extremely obsessed with Weed Eddie, so real

She drains my soul... she drains it not - niham87 / @niham87​

ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH THIS CONCEPT

am a complete sucker for paranormal world building that satirizes bureaucracy 

Is that a trope? If so that’s my favorite

I did it. I’m picking a single favorite. You know what that is growth dot gif

ANYWAY i love the concept, i love the humor, i love beth instantly clicking with annie

I love her and mick’s sort of grudging professional courtesy

Love beth as a champion of environmental responsibility and all of the underworld being like …...okay??

cannot wait to see where this goes

Nine-Tenths - riosnecktattoo / @riosnecktattoo​

*INCOHERENT PTERODACTYL SCREECHING*

sometimes i think about rio putting beth’s hair in a ponytail and have to go lie down

science please explain why this rUinS mE

wait hold on i skipped ahead

HEY KIDS DO YOU LIKE UNBEARABLY CUTE DOMESTIC TENDERNESS

opens with rio sleepily holding beth’s hand to his heart so that’s the kind of thing you’ll be dealing with

uGH theY’RE sO CUTe

idk why precisely but rio adding hair ties to his bracelet collection is my undoing every time

Missed Call - foxmagpie / @foxmagpie​

Rio doesn’t come home from a job when he’s supposed to. Beth (and I!!!!!!!) slowly loses her mind

Truly a masterpiece of rising tension

Will literally never forgive her for calling this light angst

I was SO STRESSED OUT

The first person to point out there was an author’s note at the beginning I obvs didn’t read is getting blocked

crush - foxmagpie / @foxmagpie​

Listen even though this is centered around two OCs, they are OCs FROM a (n iconic) brio fic AND Beth, Ruby and Rio all make cameos (I mean, Rio’s pretty present since he lives in Mar’s mind rent free bc they are THE SWEETEST MOST ADORABLE BEST OF FRIENDS so idk if i’d call it a cameo but whatever)

and even if it didn’t feature any official GG characters I’d still rec is bc that’s mY SON AND this fic is TOO CUTE

I have so many feelings over mar and rio growing up and not knowing how to cope with girls becoming a Thing in their life and how it affects their friendship and mar feeling left behind but (SPOILERS) at the end of the story rio starts feeling that too and it’s so poignant knowing how that’s going to continue in delinquents

while mar may be my son, i also claim elena’s #1 stan status

before you’re like meg you’re only reccing it bc it’s a bday present ask yourselves do i really strike you as the kind of person that wouldn’t be equally obnoxious about this either way?

truly cannot fathom how hard i have fallen for these OCs i don’t normally do that

@foxmagpie is definitely a witch

The Ottoman - Niham87 / @niham87​

look i will be the first to admit that i don’t go near as bonkers over the ottoman line in 308 as y’all do

(don’t get me wrong, i love it!!! I love that he laughs and i love that she’s pleased it just doesn’t hit my lose my whole mind button like idk, the dubby or the 306 convo, idk why)

BUT i v v v much love the context this delightful Rio POV pwp gives it

am also absolutely feral for 209 missing scene fic

and anything that captures the complexity of Rio’s s3 feelings for Beth and how twisted they’ve become

so this scratches a bunch of itches, is what i’m trying to say

Bet On It - zetuslapetus / @querenaxx​

*INCOHERENT PTERODACTYL SCREECHING*

That’s what my brain does when I think about Beth and Rio meeting in ch 1

am DESPERATELY OBSESSED WITH the tension between the two of them in this fic

I love how it plays with the ways they have to rely on but don’t trust each other

plus FAKE DATING and BED SHARING (fair warning hasn’t happened yet but the set up is there)

originally supposed to be 2 chapters, already up to 4, prayer circle it goes on forever

do you like drugs (tonight) - s_t_c_s / @sothischickshe​

v important focus on hydration, other fic should take note

extremely about the use of cut to and then flashback to enhance the ‘we were on drugs’ vibe

speaking of, beth and rio absolutely would take ecstasy to prove they are fun bc they are the exact kind of idiots that would peer pressure themselves

so glad beth kept her purse, got a bit stressed there for a second, clutches in that kind of circumstance are A Risk

not that i would know

FLAWLESS USE OF VOICEMAIL TBH

really love the ongoing denial that they are remotely into each other while proceeding to demonstrate how they are in fact, extremely into each other, great vibe

rio dances

I know my brain broke too

mmmm bacon

Navigate A Broken Path - flashindie / @pynkhues​

*INCOHERENT PTERODACTYL SCREECHING*

I have a long standing tradition of getting unreasonably obsessed with side characters so i’m not like, entirely surprised by how obsessed i am with both Mick and Mary Pat but i never in a million years considered them as a ship

AND Y E T

they fit????? so perfectly?????? It’s amazing how she developes them individually enough that i look at them together and think ah yes this makes perfect sense for both characters

and they’re such an amazing foil to Beth and Rio? 

can ships have foils? do i know what a foil is? 

unimportant

GUYS you dON’T uNDERStAN d 

hell i don’t understand

how absolutely very dare you make me care about YET ANOTHER set of gg ‘verse children

do not read this fic if you have no interest in feelings you zero percent asked for

wHA t hAPPeNED iN aLASkA?????????

A Moment’s Silence - femalegothic / @bethsuglywigs​

*makes sign of the cross*

y’all are gonna make me rediscover religion

extremely appreciate the author’s note approach to backstory top notch prioritization

listen it’s basically 3k of beth deep throating rio idk what more you need me to say about it

it is…..good stuff

bless the kinkmeme or fest whatever we’re calling it

praise - civillove / @blainesebastian​

I mean you had me at “three times rio calls beth a good girl and one time he really means it”

ephemeral rio

I left that note for myself in here in the middle of the night and haven’t the foggiest what i was thinking but i stand by it none the less

okay okay i think i know what i meant, this fic (as do all of my fav civillove brio fics) has this sort of like, liminal, in the quiet moments feel to them that makes the moments and feelings somehow feel like i’m catching a glimpse of something secret and precious???

idk i just really like it okay

Heart and Soul - riosnecktattoo / @riosnecktattoo​

oh look more unbearably sweet domestic tenderness, this time to music

thank you ma’am for my life

rio remembers beth used to play piano and gets her one and revoltingly cute shenanigans result

also hilarity

and sexiness

this fic has it all, truly

shout out to mick who sees no reason to keep rio’s feelings to himself

good girls tumblr fic - prettylittlementirosa / @hypermania​​

cheating and reccing a whole series

It’s my list and i can do what i wanna

stop crying about it, it’s four fics and they’re all AMAZING absolutely impossible to pick a fav

truly flawless characterization, next level ability to capture evocative mood, cannot get enough

three’s a crowd: who knew ballroom dancing while dean watches and grinds his teeth could be so sexy 

(trick question everything about that premise sounds A++++ and boy howdy does it live up)

feel it on the way home: rio tries to break up with beth, it goes about as well as you’d expect

(thE angSty tenSioN)

i want to play the game: [from the floor] i’m still not ready to talk about it

(rio/turner, missing scene, 10000000% a taste of what went down in that hotel room)

june after dark: pitch perfect annie pov, really really love the take that Annie is the baby whisperer, can’t fully explain why but it feels incredibly right

(ANNIE X NANCY COULD WORK SO WELL YOU GUYS)

[ladsofsorrow24]

8, 19, 23 for the artist ask!

8. what's the most fun and the least fun parts about your process?

most fun part is really just sketching and figuring things out in my sketchbook, and also lineart? but only when i feel confident with the sketch lol least fun part is actually rendering to me, because i always can't decide whether i should stick to basic cell shading or go bonkers with the marker brushes. but really these days i have learned that not everything has to be fully rendered, sometimes it's better to just leave things slightly unfinished.

19. how often do you draw

pretty regularly i would say? if i am not drawing digitally, i would pick up my sketchbook and just draw random 3/4 face for no reason haha but i feel like this inherent need to draw every single day in me is slightly going down, and i think it's a good thing, because it makes me less obsessed about art and i am able to focus on other stuff in my life too.

23. what's something you hope people notice when looking at your art

THE LINEART. even though i keep covering it all up while rendering the illustration lmao. i really wanna post more lineart-focus stuff, but also i am... not very confident with that alone. i look at my lineart and thought "oh shit i need to at least lay down some flat colors" all the friggin time so, sadly i can't show you guys my lineart bare. :') maybe one day, idk

send me ask about art-ing!