#this shouldn’t keep happening
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Guess who has 75 cents to her name… 🫠
#vent post#do not reblog#this shouldn’t keep happening#I shouldn’t have to struggle to survive day to day#no one should#and yet#here I am#unsure about how I’m going to get home from work tonight#don’t get me started about my coworkers#awful#everything is awful#I’m sorry to be so negative but I’m just upset about life right now#hopefully you all are feeling better than me right now
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noticed a dip in posts about palestine on my dash, so i think it deserves to be said again: palestine is not a trend. caring about genocide is not a trend. there are still reports about humanitarian aid trucks intentionally blocked off from gaza, meaning so many fucking gazans, a big portion of them children, are just bleeding out with no help. it just came out recently that israelis disguised as women and medics infiltrated a west bank hospital, at which point they killed 3 palestinians (whom they claim were militants. right). these people are living day to day without even the most basic utilities. anyone who claims to have “activism fatigue” needs to question why they’re so severely lacking in the most basic forms of compassion. you don’t get to just grow bored of talking about palestine. please never stop calling attention to the genocide happening full force in front of us.
#it’s kind of crazy that the most active blogs i see talking about it rn are literal palestinians who had to go through such insane trauma#they shouldn’t be the only ones who continue being vocal about it#bisan absolutely did not announce the global strike to signal to ppl that they can just stop saying anything afterwards??#i knew this would happen but i just didn’t expect it to happen so fast#please keep talking.#palestine#israel#gaza
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(whispers) hey friends I appreciate your excitement but gentle reminder it’s not very polite to ask fanfic writers when the next chapter is gunna come out
#remember friends: fanfic writers do this for fun when they have enough down time and wanna write#I’m an adult with a lot of adult responsibilities going on!!#again I appreciate your enthusiasm but ur just gunna have to trust me#ESPECIALLY since I sort of have a posting schedule#gentle reminder that fic writers shouldn’t need a schedule ever#I just have one because it keeps me on my toes#and that’s just a personal preference#but even then it’s just sort of a rough guideline— sometimes life stuff happens!!#and remember!!! a chapter that takes time will always be better than a rushed one#sorry to pop off but ya girl has had. A Week.#I’m not mad just a little tired#probably gunna delete tomorrow#but for now g’d night#pastel prattling
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Day 141
#dude the universe must hate me or smth#why does crap keep happening ugh#HOPEFULLY there shouldn’t be any more breaks for a while#lmk#lego monkie kid#wukong cameo :0
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i think i saw him in canada
he’s sailing in toronto !!
#tango tek#tangotek#tango where he shouldn’t be#tango ask#ive been sailing it was bad. im tall and the sail kept trying to take my head off. and there were jellyfish#the jellyfish werent doing anything but it was a stressful day and there were a lot of them#i havent been to canada though this was uhhh mid qld coast NOT stinger season dw they were harmless jellyfish#ANYWAY! i said we were starting double time tangos until the number of requests is Less Scary so we’re going every 12 hours for the next#3 days or maybe longer if you people keep asking for things <3#but probably not. having a schedule doesnt happen here#so starting Regular Content now is not true to my brand. we work on my time here
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had a dream in the wee hours of the morning where there was an Untamed musical?? and one of my longtime friends from community theater was directing it, and I was playing JGY. This was mostly a whimsical theatrical variant of the “I have a test I didn’t study for” dream, with the focus being the part where I wasn’t that familiar with the script (having been brought in last-minute) and was scrambling to keep up with sight reading music in a full rehearsal, as well as other concerns like “the audience can’t see us because of the set pieces making big blind spots” and “this casting is problematic,” so I sadly can’t tell you what the musical was about as a whole.
But what I can say, and why I am typing this, is that the introduction to JGY and Qin Su post-timeskip was a cheerful Act I expository duet welcoming everyone to present-day Jinlintai, where Everything Is Great And Also We Are The Perfect Couple! It was slightly manic but also sincere? And I think this how post-timeskip Jinlintai should always be introduced, even if nothing else is a musical. Especially if nothing else is a musical.
#there was a part that was a little bit like Hans and Anna’s song in Frozen but not lying that was trying to show how in sync Qinyao were#and someone is asking them their favorite things and they keep knowing each other’s answers or having the SAME answer#and one was ‘favorite play!’ and I forget what QS’s was but JGY goes ‘Richard II!’ and it’s briefly awkward bc that is NOT what QS expected#as well she shouldn’t because that play shouldn’t exist yet? the historical events haven’t happened yet? also how did he read/see it?#but that was DEFINITELY IN THE SCRIPT bc Dream Me looked at her score and read that and then lost her place for several measures bc what
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.
and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
I’m just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her#all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed#just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate#of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else#I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days
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#Does anyone else feel like life feels more transparently like a test rn?#Everything that’s happening to me keeps threatening to ruin whatever I’ve been praying for#then it suddenly works out in the end…#I know it’s proof I shouldn’t despair but I fall for it every time🤣#how do I stop?
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the fact that i’m seeing these zionists saying they will unstan nct because taeyong and renjun told people to boycott and it’s crazy bc it in hindsight it’s bare minimum but to these people it’s like the world is ending for them bc it means that isnotreal is losing the importance it used to have and it affects these people believe it or not
#i also saw this fan letter that was from a zionist army#it was when the first fan letter project happened#and one of the things they said was like ‘please keep being silent’ and#trust me these people know that idols being silent is good for them#it means they are siding with them in a way#that’s why it’s important for them to speak up and risk it all#these people shouldn’t be in fandoms spaces to begin with#and if more people do these gestures they will leave for sure#tris.txt
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always so funky to be reminded that your parents might love you but they don’t actually like you very much
#wasn’t i supposed to leave that feeling behind with puberty?#anyway mama decided i have no christmas wish#the sad little guy who can’t get nice things for themself also doesn’t get to ask for them now during the ‘ask for things’ time of the year#it’s not about christmas it’s not about material things it’s about looking me in the glassy eyes and asserting ‘you have no wish’#when wishing is all i ever do you just never create a space safe enough for me to voice them#blah#not st#i’m so so sorry that whining is all i ever do anymore and i shouldn’t be so sad about this over and over again#i’m just. so small. tiny. and insignificant. i might not have been there all day and 99% of the conversations would have happened the same#i wanna stop feeling this way but i think in order to stop feeling this way i need to stop wanting to be loved and seen and listened to#by my mom. and i don’t think it’s entirely human or possible to stop wanting that. so oh well#i don’t know if i give them reason to like me. maybe i don’t. this might all be on me actually.#if she knew i’m crying about this she’d roll her eyes and say ‘you know how i am. sorry you misunderstood me’#why do the blows keep coming? when’s it my turn to rest?
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I have so many vamp!dorothy thoughts & so little time to indulge them today I’m devastated
#is that going to stop me from writing & doodling them on the train today? absolutely not#but I would rather be comfy cozy under warm blankets with a cup of tea#than outside in the cold#maybe the weather will help keep the ~tone~#since I want to plot what happened after Dorothy attacked Stan (rip but also.#shouldn’t have been unfaithful 🤷🏻♀️ maybe your wife wouldn’t have eaten you if you just hadn’t been a dick)#personal
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whitehank scug hours
#madness combat#rain world#white hank#sorry for posting so many madness scugs it Will happen again#i’m rotating this crossover in my head so much. help#also fun fact wank is a goddamn nightmare to design for (both visuals and gameplay)because there really isn’t much separating her from hank#i’m literally just focusing REALLY HARD on the uh#fact that they keep Not Dying even when they really should be dead by this point. because. Yeah#the scav rep thing is a vague reference to the fact that he seems to have a much larger network of allies#seen in paradigmadness + the actual whitehank series#i might fuck around with the concept of her being able to escape lizard bites (after being bitten mind you) if she’s quick enough as well#on the theme of ‘survives stuff they really shouldn’t survive’#maybe his campaign is like enot’s#given how utterly fucking psychedelic and nonsensical the actual series is lmao. probably not but it’d be funny
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Hi my names Carp and I can’t handle when ppl say something even relatively snarky and anytime someone does I freak out and it ruins my whole day!
#One of my friends was talking about her ex and I thought it was like gossip#And the convo kinda stopped so I sent something else and she was like “I’m literally freaking out rn not the time”#Like sorry /gen sorry#I stopped#bht also like I didn’t know that bc you didn’t say you were until I changed the topic#And idk idk I just feel like anytime I talk to my friends they get annoyed#And I get I talk a lot but like#When I tell you I actually almost killed myseld like 3 times this summer#I’m so unwell rn and idk everything sets me off#And I keep getting bothered bc everyone tells me that I should just move out like it’s SIMPLE#Or tells me that I’m stupid and over dramatic and I should just leave the house or do what I want to#Bo it’s not that simple actually#Bc I am so terrified that I will be cut off from my family if I do that bc I’ve seen that happen to 2 other family members.#It’s not even her fault she was right I shouldn’t have changed the topic and she has every right to be upset#But it like set me off and now I’m upset again
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not to get personal on my personal blog, but this last year especially has really made me reevaluate my life, my priorities, and pushed me to do the right things for not only myself but the world around me.
I just feel like I gained a lot of resolve and a desire to live and i’m trying really hard to retain my hope that if we continue to strive for a better world we will see it in our lifetimes.
#talking#idk i’m mostly just rambling this was prompted by me thinking about things and also seeing a lot of dooming online rn#i cannot emphasize to you enough that no matter what happens in this election we have a duty to each other to protect each other#we have a duty to the people of palestine . lebanon . congo . sudan . EVERYWHERE to keep fighting for them#and we have a duty to ourselves not to be ruined by this. idk. i just think the more everyone chooses to lay down and die the less likely#we are to see the changes we want#ALSO. even if Kamala wins. she is not good enough as is sorry not sorry. She needs to do BETTER.#pressuring the dems is how we got biden out we can pressure kamala too. don’t just sit there and tell her she’s got your#unconditional and unwavering support because she shouldn’t.#and vote. for the love of god vote. it isn’t too late to register in a lot of states#anyway rant over. keep your head held high. don’t let the election pull your eyes away from Gaza. keep boycotting and actually pay attention#to the BDS list . help people get their fundraisers vetted .#maybe even be willing to open up your time and effort into hosting a fundraiser for someone who can’t. it’s really not that hard#it is a long and treacherous road but it’s one we’ll walk together
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medical websites love to be like “how to stop having physical stress symptoms: 1. be in less stressful situations 2. don’t be stressed”
#oliver.mp3#girl for one i have anxiety for two stressful things continue to happen#sorry but taking deep breaths and going for walks will not fix my moms broken leg or get me another job#or get me back the $6000 i just spent on my cat’s er vet bill#meditation doesn’t pay the rent#i still haven’t done anything creative since the year started pretty much#bc i feel like i shouldn’t be focusing on anything but how to fix my situation#time spent drawing is time i could be spending applying for jobs. why would i spend time writing when it’s not making me money#i’m sick of living like this like truly it has been the last whole fucking year and it just keeps getting worse#what did i do to deserve this like truly why me#why do these events feel so specifically calculated and timed to drain our bank accounts and stress me out further#i think abt that phrase it has to get worse before it gets better. so every time something happens i’m like ok it’s gonna get better now#but somehow it continues to get worse#i feel like i’m watching my entire life crumble away right before my eyes everything me and my mom have worked for is just dwindling#and i’m only fucking 20
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Me sitting down to write a several pages long essay about Gravity Falls and the nature of stories and narrative and the ghosts they inevitably leave behind: The Pines,, I love themb,, They make me ill,,, oughh,,
Me: …
Me: Yeah, sure, that will do.
#It’s still comes as a surprise each time I remember how much I love this story and characters#It shouldn’t because this keeps happening over and over again#And each time I am filled with so so many thoughts and ideas to say but#I also am filled with so so much love that it’s so hard to focus them jfjf#Who knows maybe one day#Gravity falls
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