#this scene would happen a solid year after the end of the book so i'll probably never include it

[griseldabanks]

Comfyvember 21

Story: The Four (original) Prompts: Enthusiastic greeting — Late night laughter — Waking up together

Timor couldn't suppress his grin as Norun banged his stick against the marble floor and announced loudly, “Lady Taria of the Tritons!”

Taria's expression was much more composed than his, but the ridges of translucent spikes on her head kept bristling up like a cat's fur and then smoothing down as she clearly tried to rein in her excitement. Her long tail also swished back and forth more vigorously than her stately gait down the plush blue carpet to the foot of the throne warranted. One of the castle guards escorting her stumbled slightly as her tail knocked into him.

At the halfway point, the guards flanking her came to a halt with a clank of armor, then they both saluted Timor and stood at attention. As Norun had no doubt instructed her, Taria took three more steps forward—though her strides were much longer than a human's, so she was much closer than most visitors and petitioners Timor saw in the throne room. She was close enough that he could see the flames from the candelabra flickering in her big black eyes and the red scales that covered her head to foot.

Taria bent in an elaborate bow, arms extended to either side, tail curled up behind her, and sank to one knee. Timor had to bite his lip momentarily to keep from bursting into laughter. Most onlookers probably thought this was a traditional Triton gesture or something, but Timor knew that even the Triton king only received a respectful nod of the head with a hand on the heart.

“You are most welcome, Lady Taria,” Timor said. Somehow, he managed to do it without laughing, even though she lifted her head and winked at him.

“Leave us, please,” he said, gesturing to the guards and meeting Norun's disapproving gaze. “I would speak with the Triton ambassador alone.”

Norun looked like he wanted to argue, but finally bowed deeply and backed out of the throne room, along with all the other attendants and hangers-on. When the door shut behind the last one, Timor finally did what he'd been wanting to do ever since she'd been announced. He hopped down from the throne and rushed forward, just as Taria got to her feet and caught him in a bear hug.

“Look at you, shooting up like a beansprout!” Taria laughed, swinging him around in a circle. “I leave you for a year, and you've gone and grown up without me!”

Now that he was on his feet right in front of her, Timor realized that his head actually came up to her shoulder now. Yet she looked the same as ever, except that instead of the black tunic he was used to seeing her in, she now wore a silky blue shirt and swishy pants of the same color that almost looked like a skirt when she stood still.

“And you're pretty good at ordering people around now,” Taria chuckled, ruffling his hair as if to make him look a bit more like the scrawny waif she'd first met. “Who'd have thought you'd make such a good king?”

“Not me,” Timor said earnestly. “It's mostly Norun's doing, anyway. He knows all the customs and regulations, so mostly I just do it like he says. I've still got a lot to learn.”

She cocked her head and looked at him with a smile that almost looked sad. “You really are growing up. You're not that scared little kid who used to huddle up next to me after a nightmare while I tried to make him laugh. Which was every night, I might add.”

Timor's cheeks felt hot as he crossed his arms, trying to frown. “Is that any way to speak to the High King?”

Taria snorted loudly, probably the most undignified sound that had ever echoed around these marble walls. “Oh, I've got a lot more blackmail where that came from, Your Majesty. You just better thank your lucky gemstones in that crown of yours that I'm here on a goodwill mission. On your request, I might add.”

“Oh, right.” Timor had almost forgotten why she was here, in the rush of excitement at seeing her again for the first time in a year. “So you accept, then? You'll be my advisor for Triton relations, and stick around for a while to teach me everything I need to know about your people?”

“Sure!” Taria said with a casual shrug, belied by all the ridges on her head standing straight up like an excited porcupine. “Just tell me one thing: Is Farawin doing this too?”

Timor blinked in surprise. “He got here yesterday. How did you guess?”

Taria tipped her head back and laughed. “I didn't guess, I knew! It's obvious you just want to get the four back together again.” She crushed him against her side in another hug, grinning down at him with a toothy smile.

“Yes,” Timor admitted, savoring the warm touch of her hand on his shoulder, a liberty no one ever took with him these days. “Of course I do. I can't be myself unless I've got you.”

[andmaybegayer]

Look, I'll be honest, I got very little for you here.

Typically around this time of year I'm either still out wandering some wild place in South Africa or I have just got back home from said wandering and either one of those means I've got like, three or four books that I've just finished and a bunch of albums and probably some kind of photographic shenanigans.

These are not happening right now.

I am currently in an apartment in Prague with some visiting family I've been touring around so it is. Different. In light of this fact we're going to do our:

Last First Monday of the Year 2024-01-01

which is going to be a wrap-up of notable entries from 2023. It's true, I got some notes!

Listening (Music):

There is a clear winner for Most Important Album for me this year and that has to be Titus Andronicus putting out The WIll to Live. I picked up Titus Andronicus a few years ago on a rec from a guy on IRC and after putting The Monitor on loop for days I was so down with it. Unfortunately while the rest of their repertoire is honestly really solid punk, The Monitor is truly next level shit. The Will to Live finally closes that gap. It's so good.

There's a lot of good pull songs from this one but I do adore Baby Crazy which is just a breathless rundown of the core philosophy of the album. Part of what links The Monitor and The Will to Live is a very heavy handed metaphorical through line, The Monitor through American Civil War references and The Will to Live through the convoluted nuclear family analogue.

Truly no one is doing it like Titus Andronicus.

Listening (Podcasts):

Noted originator of the new weeklypost tradition @girlfriendsofthegalaxy was always talking about Friends at the Table and so I was like "Hey her taste is pretty good that's probably better than the median TTRPG podcast" and hey. It was. SO much more than I was expecting.

I started with Partizan which was at the time the current season, and hoo boy. F@TT does many things that handily sidestep a lot of my issues with RPG podcasts. By running tight little game systems with strong narrative focus and leaning more into the storytelling side than actual play (while still allowing rolls and player decisions to completely upend the plot) they get into the action quickly, have strong character driven scenes, and manage to hold my attention.

I will be open and say that the politics of Austin Walker's storytelling are very mixed. A lot of people act like these games are incisive political commentary but they only really hit that occasionally, which I think is good. Leaning into the weirdness of these settings is important, and trying to make them cleave too close to modern problems at all times would weaken them, compared to what they actually do well.

What If Han Solo Was Beyoncé. Remember: You Have Beaten Your Worst Days. Destroy Something Instead Of Understanding It.

Within four episodes of the start of Partizan, one half of the game has seen the death of a minor god and started a false flag operation with consequences that would persist to the end of the season. The game systems in play often outright prevent character death in all but the direst situations, but they replace that with dramatic character change. Clem becomes Obsessed, Valence becomes Righteous, Sovereign Immunity becomes Paranoid.

They are definitely playing "for the camera", if you aren't a fan of heavy allusions to other media as part of storytelling you will not like this, but they work it out well. There's a commitment to interesting storytelling that follows well into the next point, which is:

They are very good at getting into characters motivations. Clementine Kesh is despicable, she is terrible, and she's the central focal point of a huge run of Partizan. Hella Varal of the Hieron series is also a spectacularly character-driven entity, frequently a major driving force of the plot, doing things none of the players would really want to have happen. This also applies to Lem King, to an extent.

After catching up with Partizan I went back and I've been running through the backlog. I am almost caught up to Twilight Mirage, I might step out to listen to the current season since it follows directly from Partizan. I'll see.

Reading:

Without a doubt the big one this year was Terra Ignota. Absolutely lodged in my brain forever.

Terra Ignota is like the flipside of the Culture. The Culture assumes that its members are so far gone from their humanity that their utopian issues are almost incomparable to ours. The Hives are instead a utopian society built on a hard break from modernity that has left them very, very vulnerable to our modern problems. The approach Terra Ignota takes to gender, nationality, and family is set up to argue a very interesting case, not that those things cannot be changed, but that you can't just go cold turkey on them.

(The Gender is particularly forceful. Mycroft's haphazard attempts to reverse-engineer gender for his imagined Reader are so good, they perfectly replicate the internal experience of going to a very very queer environment with a brain that was still ultimately wired by the recent past.)

The actual plot of Terra Ignota is kind of secondary to the spectacle of all these Types Of Guys interacting and exposing their internal processes in a way that is so satisfying. The Hives are unusual in part because there's so few that probably appeal to the readers. I don't think pretty much any of Terra Ignota's expected audience have much interest in the Europeans, Masons, or the Mitsubishi, and while some of them might agree with the Brillists they are given so little screen time that it's hard to say. Really it ends up being the Humanist/Utopian debate at its core, with the Cousins there to balance it. As a result it's impressive that by the end I think most people I've talked to are less sure whether they agree more with the Humanists or the Utopians.

Watching:

Arcane, a one that I don't think I talk about too much, in part because it's so tidy. A perfectly wrapped gift of tragedy! Any story where at almost any point a few characters could just talk it out and resolve all their problems but they don't is *chef's kiss* to me. If you like Othello you will love Arcane is what I'm getting at here.

Arcane is such a gorgeous show, dripping with character, every single scene is so carefully considered. There's an extremely long (in time) close shot of Jayce throwing up over a bridge that I think of all the time.

Arcane is so clear and uncompromising in its presentation of its characters. I've said before that there's actually very little character development among any of the main cast, instead the show builds on bringing very strongly defined characters into conflict and exploring what they do next. This works wonderfully.

And the music! I have probably listened to the Arcane soundtrack a little too much. Basically the only time I went on spotify this year was to look at the Radio channels for songs from the soundtrack.

Playing:

Given that I spent so long playing Breath of the WIld this year you'd think it would be that and you'd be dead wrong. Not that great! It's fine! I like an immersive sim open world game but do you know what I actually do when I feel like I want to play a game just for the pure thrill of it. I go open TItanfall 2.

Titanfall 2 is the ideal first person shooter campaign. It is short and sweet and interesting and manages to keep you sufficiently overpowered without making you feel like it's easy. I played the campaign on Hard at the start of the year and it is the shooter I remember shooters I don't actually like as being.

The reason I play first person shooters is for the fast reaction twitch play. I do not care for long kill times, I do not care for gradually plinking enemies down, I do not want to think about a target for more than 5 seconds. Titanfall is absurdly fast if you play it right, you never stop, you optimize for shooting on the run, and you bounce around the field like a pinball. Delightful.

Titan Combat in the campaign is meh, it's so often just a slog against artificially toughened bosses, or figuring out how to deal with those little AI bots. It's fine. I like being a big robot. Titans are probably better in multiplayer. At some point I will install Northstar so I can try multiplayer lobbies.

Tools and Equipment:

The 3D printer! I have been in the orbit of 3D printing types for ages but now that I have one I can see why its an essential tool for so many electronics types. The ability to just Make The Thing You Need is so powerful. Printed items have their limitations but they all pale in relation to "I hit a button and the exact thing I need appears in 2-12 hours".

So many projects stall out because you need a bracket or an adapter or a flange or a box that you know all the specifications for but that will take two weeks to arrive or has to be ordered in batches of 200 or costs 10× as much as you're willing to pay.

My printer is cheap as shit, the Anycubic Neo cuts as many costs as possible without being actively bad, and it's still a great printer. It can do anything I need well enough that I can carry on with the rest of my life. It has the precision to do slip fit parts and even basic materials have the strength for fairly crucial components.

Like, sure, you can make a lot of these things quickly by hand if you have the parts available, but like, even if somehow all your problems can be solved by cutting a PVC pipe to the right size and shape, do you keep all possible dimensions of PVC pipe in a drawer somewhere? No, you run into a problem that needs 60mm pipe and you only have 50mm pipe and now you gotta go to the hardware store and buy 2m of pipe for a project that needs 0.2m of pipe. It is such a problem-solver to be able to fabricate arbitrary complex shapes from plastic stock.

Making:

The big one. The Penrose Quilt.

This took months for me and my mother to put together, and it came out exactly like we hoped. It's so good, it looks incredible, we put it together by hand with needles and thread and time, I sleep under it every night, it is the ideal item. Few things to build your handsewing confidence like backstitching probably over a hundred meters of seams.

This was a really ambitious project and yet we pulled it off. Absolutely ridiculous.

[kylesvariouslistsandstuff]

Long post incoming...

I guess I'll try to be more reasonable and put things into perspective.

I also happened to come out of FURIOSA earlier today, which to me felt like a nice antidote to what Hollywood tends to pump out when it comes to big franchises. A prequel that really expands the Wasteland world of MAD MAX without feeling like a Glup Shitto-fest. I was pretty much glued the whole time, astounded at what it was going for, the big swings it took and - in my eyes - greatly succeeded at. You can tell creator/director George Miller loves this world, and wanted to expand it meaningfully with both this and MAD MAX: FURY ROAD, after 30 years of the series being a trilogy. And apparently without anyone getting in his way, at that. Rare for a big action film.

Did you know Miller, who also directed the likes of... THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK, LORENZO'S OIL, BABE: PIG IN THE CITY (and pretty much was a huge part of the original BABE), the HAPPY FEET movies, and THREE THOUSAND YEARS OF LONGING... Did you know one of his favorite films is Walt Disney's PINOCCHIO? Which had a massive influence on him and his work?

Oh yeah, PINOCCHIO... The second-ever Disney animated feature film, a film designed to be like its European fairy tale-inspired predecessor - SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS - but double that, with its more sprawling story and larger budget. More multiplane shots, whole scenes in the ocean, all that hand-animated, meticulously hand-painted water...

And it was the exact opposite of SNOW WHITE when first released in February 1940. While reviews were generally positive, not really as glowing as SNOW WHITE's reception, it was largely impacted by World War II breaking out across the Atlantic. It couldn't play in the European countries where SNOW WHITE made tons of money, and the money it managed to make in the ally territories - the UK and France - wasn't going to cut it. Its American gross was solid, certainly in the shadows of the huge hit that was out at the time - GONE WITH THE WIND... But again, it couldn't cover the film's astronomical costs. Unthinkable for a film, whose opening song, is pretty much synonymous with Disney today... Once a big flop, now it's absolutely definitively Disney...

The Disney studio would continue to lose a lot of money during this period. FANTASIA did not appeal to audiences, and BAMBI also lost money. Only the relatively-cheaper DUMBO managed to make back its shoestring cost, in addition to appealing to audiences more than the experimental dialogue-free epic and the more lyrical, dramatic forest tale. Disney was deep in debt, and spent the rest of the decade making and releasing movies known as "The Package Features". Anthologies composed of short films/featurettes, with some sort of loose linking device for them. Disney wouldn't return to doing a singular type of story following one set of characters until CINDERELLA, released in February 1950 to critical acclaim and great box office.

Some animation fans and historians divide the Walt years into two halves, the Golden Age covering the streak that began with the runaway success of STEAMBOAT WILLIE and ended with World War II's impact on the studio's first five feature films. (Or six, if you count the hybrid THE RELUCTANT DRAGON.) The Silver Age, covering everything thereafter up until Walt's passing, typically marked at the posthumous 1967 release of THE JUNGLE BOOK. Again, in terms of features. I'd mark it at December 1968, when the 2nd Winnie the Pooh featurette - THE BLUSTERY DAY - was released. The wartime losses took so much out of the studio, that Walt and Roy O. Disney reached some compromises, which - to some - affect the features going forward.

Films like CINDERELLA and PETER PAN avoided the elaborate multiplane effects and minute details of PINOCCHIO and BAMBI, making up for it in their striking art direction and filmmaking choices. The storytelling is also something of a shift. Few of those films attempt to wear the frightening elements of SNOW WHITE and PINOCCHIO, the kinds of scenes that Walt often got angry letters from parents over. After BAMBI, not counting the package features, the death of a major "good" character was pretty much hands off as well. For example, during production of LADY AND THE TRAMP, singer/actress Peggy Lee begged the filmmakers not to kill off Trusty at the end of the picture, following his accident with the dogcatcher wagon. Walt and co. complied. By the time you get to the '60s, Walt's final years among the living, you're a country mile from the early films. THE SWORD IN THE STONE and THE JUNGLE BOOK are very lax "characters exist" kinds of movies, the latter having some danger in the form of the impending encounter with Shere Khan. Otherwise, they are much lighter in tone, much more fun-loving, like romps.

Over the years, I've come to really appreciate those later films for the things my 20-something year-old self tended to criticize them for. When really, it's just a matter of fact. Change happened, maybe had to happen, in order for the Disney studio to survive and keep making animated feature films. Few other studios during the Golden Age of Animation could afford such a luxury. The Fleischer brothers certainly gave it a shot, with GULLIVER'S TRAVELS in 1939 and MR. BUG GOES TO TOWN in 1941, but the falling out between Max and Dave coupled with distributor Paramount's neglect of MR. BUG put a stop to that. Feature-length films would be made in other countries using techniques other than traditional animation, though some studios in America would later get in on it once again - albeit with lower-costing methods.

But when Walt was around, it was really only him producing feature-length animated films on a regular basis. And to keep going with that, and not just making more money off of only the re-issues of SNOW WHITE and such, he and his crew ultimately changed course and... Well... I'll say it, I feel they still put in the hard work on a bad day. Even the films of the '50s and '60s that I don't like as much as some others, there's still... Say, a Milt Kahl head swaggle or something great from Frank & Ollie in there. Or a great score, or a good sense of pace, the late great Robert and Richard Sherman absolutely going off with a banger song somewhere, very inspired background art, etc. No slouching! Something like THE JUNGLE BOOK is very much as important to me as PINOCCHIO.

I've come to love all of it, really, even with perceived flaws or the results of the studio changing gears. The work of the animators, artists, musicians, etc.... They pulled the weight and then some, and even the more "middling" films of decades past hold some sort of special place...

Maybe this situation applies to the apparent mandates that Disney executives are compromising Pixar with.

Pixar went for many, many years without a box office loss. THE GOOD DINOSAUR, which was made during John Lasseter's 11-year reign, was the first film to lose money for them. It was released *20 years* after TOY STORY came out, and it's their 16th overall film. I remember the media trying to chalk it up to the film's troubled production, which is a silly sentiment, because TOY STORY 2 and RATATOUILLE were similarly-rough, rocky roads. That one just... Didn't appeal, no matter what work and effort went into it, and I also think STAR WARS 7 opening mere weeks later kinda cut into it as well. It was kinda tossed off by Disney's marketing department after INSIDE OUT debuted earlier that year.

But, it was viewed as a minor dent in the armor. CARS 3 didn't really break even when released in the summer of 2017, but that was a CARS movie, so a lot of people kinda just shrugged at that. John Lasseter was then slowly ousted from the Disney company as a whole months later... Not because of that film, or GOOD DINOSAUR, but because he was exposed by the Me Too movement that erupted in fall 2017. Lasseter abdicated his leadership roles at Pixar, Disney Animation, Disneytoon, and Imagineering, right before the release of COCO that autumn. With Pete Docter taking over as CCO of Pixar in June 2018, perhaps all eyes were on him. Unlike Lasseter, Docter was only running Pixar. Not WDAS, not Disneytoon (which was swiftly shut down upon Lasseter's exit), and no major presence in the parks apparently... How would he take on such a task?

Docter, I feel, had something going there. Lasseter's Pixar became what Ken called Sunnyside Daycare in TOY STORY 3, he turned the place into a pyramid and he put himself on top. So many directors and animators exodused out of Pixar in the early 2010s, notably Brenda Chapman, who had words upon being taken off of her film BRAVE. All of Lasseter's goodwill completely vanished after it was learned that he made many women at the studio - and at WDAS - very uncomfortable, and when it was very clear that he only favored his TOY STORY colleagues and wasn't keen on letting women nor PoC direct films at his studio. Docter sought to reverse that, and to let the filmmakers tell stories that meant a lot to them. Much in the same way he, Lasseter, Andrew Stanton, Lee Unkrich, and Brad Bird did when Pixar was relatively new to making features. It truly was like old times, and I myself was very excited about that.

And it seemed like the sky was the limit... What could go wrong? ONWARD was cut right off, in its second weekend, by the pandemic. SOUL, LUCA, and TURNING RED went straight to Disney+ in the U.S. and most other territories, and their subsequent limited theatrical debuts - expectedly - didn't do great. I see that situation as similar to World War II cutting right into Disney's animated features in the 1940s, impacting the studio/distributor's ability to give them a wide release (at the time, Disney was not big enough to be their own distributor, it was RKO Radio Pictures who were handling the releases of the movies)... and the way the world is now, how expensive it is to take a trip to the movies, what a gamble it is... Animated movies aren't guaranteed smash hits anymore, unless you're something like Mario or Minions, or some entry in a beloved franchise. Remember how PUSS IN BOOTS 2 literally had to claw its way up to such a winning gross and record multiplier? If that had cost the same amount of money as ELEMENTAL had cost to make? It'd be considered a big failure.

LIGHTYEAR was Pixar's big return to theaters, a summer bow in 2022 that was part of the studio's beloved TOY STORY franchise. It opened great, too. $50m! Quite above what other animated movies had been opening with from 2021 to now... But the legs were terrible, word of mouth was sour, audiences just didn't seem to like it. A rare swing and a miss. Pete Docter pulled a "Walt Disney responding to ALICE IN WONDERLAND's disastrous release circa 1951", taking the blame for the film's box office woes. ELEMENTAL opened blah, but had incredible word of mouth. Even Disney boss Bob Iger seemed happy with its slow-burn ride to $500m at the worldwide box office, until he wasn't... Now that's a failure, along with SOUL, LUCA, and TURNING RED... Which all didn't get to enjoy full theatrical releases due to a worldwide crisis that's actually still going on...

So now, the corporate logic is... Those movies all failed because they're too "autobiographical", the filmmakers' respective catharses being told through 90min animated movies apparently doesn't appeal to audiences... and that in order to be financially successful again, Pixar needs to make films with more "general" appeal. Pete Docter is not John Lasseter, and I feel the press takes advantage of that. Docter apologizes for films not appealing, whereas Lasseter - when his CARS 2 got panned by most critics - defended critical missteps with his chest. It's as if he still ruled at the end of the day and no one could touch him - given his four leadership roles within the company, while the quieter Docter... Not so much. I get the sense that Disney execs can push him around and the press can easily label him a weak leader, while John seemed invincible. Iger, for example, was aware of his erratic, gross behavior at awards ceremonies well before Me Too caught up with the Hawaiian shirt man... And he was very concerned, but... Lasseter kept his job for another decade, almost unscathed.

I get that studios often have these sorts of "Well, we've had trouble, what should we be making then?" moments. I feel that singling out the three films that went straight to streaming during a pandemic, and another that was high budget and was operating in a much different theatrical landscape than before, is not it, though. SOUL, LUCA, TURNING RED, and ELEMENTAL were liked by most audiences. They got good to great reviews. They were all nominated for Oscar.

This isn't like how FANTASIA and BAMBI were perceived by critics and audiences in the early 1940s. The mixed-to-negative reactions to those films back then must've played a part in Walt and Roy focusing on relatively safer films in the future. For example, CINDERELLA leaned into what audiences loved about SNOW WHITE, 12 1/2 years prior, and was one of Disney's huge hits of that decade that also did exemplary in re-issues. There's a reason the two big flops of the '50s, for Disney Animation, were the more experimental films - ALICE IN WONDERLAND and SLEEPING BEAUTY. Nowadays, both of those movies are beloved and like PINOCCHIO, FANTASIA, and BAMBI... Are synonymous with Disney, often ranked among the best, cream of the crop. The time isn't always right for certain movies...

But things are often unfair in these big entertainment conglomerates, who are run by money hoarders who only think in the moment... and if Pixar's gonna try to do this "general appeal" thing, they would still have to let filmmakers have all the fun that they can feasibly have with the stories. The current iteration of Disney Animation is buckled under so much executive interference, and test screenings where 7-year-olds dictate what goes in and what doesn't, and... Well... Look at their resulting output. How they still try to do the job passionately and not merely just pass the grade. It's like I'm watching them struggle to get their creativity out on films like RAYA, STRANGE WORLD, and WISH. It's, to me, much like where things were for them circa 1980-82.

And after nearly 30 years of making features, maybe Pixar might enter such a phase themselves, as executives place the blame squarely on the filmmakers for their own failures and uncontrollable outside circumstances... Like I said, we'll have to see how they navigate this particular set of rules. Does it work out for them? Does it create movies that audiences mostly don't care for? Who knows... Maybe I myself will like the movies still, maybe I won't even notice a difference... Maybe this is will all be moot, every sentence of it... But we'll see...

[sagefzy]

PART FOUR: POPCORN AND GREEN TEA

perfectionism | prev | next

You tapped your foot on the pavement, anxious to finally meet the eyes of your old friend. The feeling of excitement was almost overwhelming all your senses, the only thing you could focus on was the plain, faded brown door in front of you. Quickly, you sent Suna a text to let him know of your arrival, however in the corner of your eye, you suddenly noticed two figures approaching. You shrugged it off, thinking that it was just two guys passing by on a walk, but rather than walking past the house, they stepped up the driveway slowly drawing near you.

Hearing Ennoshita's words in your mind about being aware of your surroundings, you discreetly glanced back observing the two. But, much to your surprise, it was the exact two guys who bombarded you at the supermarket yesterday. Well, actually, more like the one blond who smashed a shopping cart into your heel, blubbering apologies and looking away, while the other one stood there and watched the whole incident play out.

You watched them for what seemed like forever. Could they possibly be Suna's friends? No, the whole thing seemed too coincidental, surely that couldn't be the case. Not willing to take the chance, you took out your phone once more in hopes to get Suna to clarify that those were, indeed, not his friends. Unfortunately for you, it appeared that the universe had decided to make you a pawn in its game because the two of them were, indeed, his friends.

You let out a heavy sigh, you could already tell that the next few hours would be nothing but awkward stares and embarrassing conversations. Not wanting to ruin your one day of freedom- the one day where you didn't have to listen to your dad's constant yells, telling you how much of a disappointment you are- the one day where you didn't have to sit in front of the piano all day just to feel some sort of gratification. It was then that you decided to just ignore the situation, and pretend as if the blond wasn't the reason that the back of your foot was wrapped in a bandage. For all Suna knew, this was you guys' first encounter, so be it.

Right as the door opened, your eyes were drawn to the tall green-eyed boy who you used to spend every day with as a young kid. "Y/N, so glad you're here!" Suna smiled, as he went in for a quick hug. "Those two behind you are Atsumu and Osamu." He introduced, pointing to the two that were now directly behind you. The blond looked absolutely horrified, stealing brief glimpses at the bandage that hugged your heel, the other one, however, stared back with a nonchalant smile. "They may have almost the same face, but the one with the ugly piss-colored hair is Atsumu, and the normal looking one is Osamu."

You grinned back at the two, showcasing your brightest smile, hoping that they'd get the message to not bring up the fact that this was not your first encounter. You were going to introduce yourself to the two, but the blond seemed to beat you to cut. "How come Samu is the normal one?" He whined.

Suna snickered, "Because Osamu doesn't act like a dramatic brat who needs his hand held every damn second of the day."

Suna's blunt words made you softly chuckle, there was something in friendly banter that just made it so pure and innocent. You looked up at the two, noticing that the blond's expression had softened after hearing your giggles. With the brief moment of silence at hand, you decided to take this as the moment to introduce yourself. "I'm Y/N, it's nice to meet you Atsumu and Osamu."

"Well now that we got introductions out of the way, why don't we go inside and find something to do," Suna suggested.

"Rinny, can we watch a movie?" You asked excitedly. The last time you had watched a movie was when you hung out with Nishinoya, Tanaka, and Ennoshita before leaving Miyagi, and your dad hardly ever let you engage in anything other than school work or piano, making it a rare treasure.

Suna nodded, "Watching a movie it is."

As all of you entered the house, you couldn't help but hear the blond, Atsumu mutter to his brother, "If I called 'm Rinny I think he'd punch me on the spot."

A smile quickly reappeared on your face as you heard his brother respond, "I don't know, I'll give ya one thousand yen to put it to the test."

"No, I think I'll choose life," He giggled.

You found your way to the couch and swiftly pulled out your phone, eager to let your friends know your current situation. The whole scene sounded like something straight out of a book.

You clicked your phone off and turned your attention to the aroma that seemed to be emerging from the kitchen. The familiar scent, caramel popcorn and green tea, jogged an almost forgotten memory of your childhood. An unlikely duo, yet even as a child you couldn't get enough of the weird combination. No one would've ever thought to put the two together, but it just worked.

You almost laughed at the sight. Suna walked out of the kitchen juggling three bowls of caramel popcorn, three bottles of energy drinks, and, of course, your mug of green tea. Since he had such little grace, you got up and lent a helping hand. "No, no you're my guest and you're injured go sit back down," Suna scolded.

"Well it's too late, I'm already here, so I'll just take some of that off your hand," You said while grabbing the mug of tea and the three energy drinks. You walked over to the twins and handed them each their bottle.

"Say what happened to yer foot over there?" Osamu asked with a smirk on his face.

"Oh yeah you never told me what you did to your foot, Y/N," Suna added as he placed the remaining bowls on the side table.

"It's not a big deal I just scraped myself with glass while unpacking," You blurted. You hoped that the lie was convincing enough, but to be honest, scraping yourself with glass sounded way more believable than being run over with a shopping cart.

"I see, sorry to hear that," Osamu responded in an almost surprise-like manner. You thought that maybe he expected you to call out his brother, however you decided to stick with your initial decision of ignoring the situation to save your night from awkwardness. His expression only got more surprised as he realized the unusual food combination you were eating. For only eating caramel popcorn with green tea, he looked as if you were committing a crime against food.

"Green tea with caramel popcorn?" He asked.

With no shame you nodded your head. "Don't knock it until you try it, it's my favorite combo in the world. I can never get enough of it."

Suna sighed, "Yeah, it's no use to convince her otherwise it's been more than a solid seven years since i last saw her and she still likes it."

The night ended almost as quickly as it started. Although you were initially worried about it being awkward, your worries were soon rested once Osamu started explaining his love of cooking. You both talked endlessly about all sorts of sweets and savory foods you both enjoyed indulging in. However, his twin, on the other hand, barely talked as he aimlessly played around with his phone.

Your eyes noticed the time on the nearby clock, the numbers displaying that it was near midnight. Your stomach instantly knotted, if your dad wasn't asleep, you for sure were going to get an ear full when you arrived home. You picked up your phone, and smiled at Suna and Osamu who's chest softly rose up and down as they slept.

You stood up quietly, getting Atsumu's attention. You didn't expect him to do or say anything since he'd been quite dull the entire night, but it seemed like this was a night of surprises. "Yer not planning to go all the way to the bus stop by yerself now are ya?" He asked.

"Well I'm not waking either of them so they can escort me if that's what you're asking," you responded "But, you're more than welcome to join me if it'll put your mind at ease." You fully expected him to not care, however he grabbed his jacket next to him and stood up, walking over to where you stood by the front door.

He quietly opened the door, careful to not make a creaking noise. "After you," He said as he directed you out of the house. The crisp winter air hit your face, your whole body jolted from the sudden change of temperatures. "Don't suppose yer cold now?" He asked, probably noticing your shivering. You replied by shaking your head and continued on the trail to the bus stop.

The rest of the walk was mostly silent, neither one of you knowing what to say. This was definitely uncharacteristically of Atsumu, anyone who'd even slightly know him would expect him to be chatting your ear off with overdramatized commentary. However, things seemed to be different in this situation, there was an eerie feeling about you that he couldn't quite put his finger on. Of course, it didn't help that your first encounter with him was him, in fact, running a shopping cart into you, but it wasn't just that. Maybe it was the way you presented yourself, in an almost sickening sweet-like manner. It all felt artificial, like a facade.

"Well this is it," you said, snapping him out of his thoughts, "Just in time for the last bus, thanks for walking with me." You turned around to enter the vehicle but before you could, a hand made its way to your arm. You immediately flinched at the contact, pulling away at the light hold he had on you.

"I'm sorry I just- i um," He started, trying to find a way to word what he wanted to say. "I wanted to say that 'm sorry for yesterday, it was kind of a shitty thing to do, and 'm also sorry for not really talking all that much today, ya seem really nice and I'm usually not this bad when it comes to meeting new people. And, I totally ruined the night by ignoring you I-"

You lightly laughed, "It's alright, plus any friend of Rin's, is a friend of mine, and you didn't ruin tonight at all, I thought it was perfect." You both smiled back at each other, not saying anything for a moment. You cleared your throat, "Um, I'll see you around, have a good night, Atsumu."

He watched as you entered the bus. A small smile made it on his face as he watched you wave goodbye from the bus window. He waved back and muttered under his breath, "Good night, Y/N."

The bus ride was only about ten minutes. Anxiously, you opened the door to your house, hoping that by some miracle your dad would be sound asleep. The old door slightly creaked, you peaked inside and all your worries flushed away as you saw your dad passed out on the couch. Granted he was passed out drunk, at least that's what you gathered by the four bottles of empty beer that laid at his feet.

Even for you, life wasn't as perfect as it seemed. As much as you wanted it to be, as much as you led people on to think that it was, it just wasn't. The worst part of it was that deep down, you felt accountable for it all. Maybe if you would've been just a little better at piano, you could've achieved your perfect life.

You reached your bedroom and exhaustedly plopped down on your bed. You glanced at the picture of your mother on your bedside table. Her long hair glided down her lavender dress, her face gleaming with a smile. In one hand she held her violin and the other held an award deeming her the best violinist in the nation. She was talented, beautiful, intelligent, and made your dad happy. She was absolutely everything you weren't, and your dad made sure to remind you everyday.

Life before she died was perfect. You could never recall a memory of you being sad around her. Before you closed your eyes, you whispered, "I wish I was perfect like you."

fun facts !

Whenever Atsumu doesn't know how to address a situation, he just goes on his phone and plays angry birds.

If you're ever bored, Osamu will talk forever about all the different ways you can cook the same recipe.

Suna can never stay awake during a movie night, he always falls asleep somehow.

Before getting into volleyball, the twins' mother tried to get them into violin, however that quickly failed once Atsumu broke his bow on the second day of lessons.

perfectionism ©

smau written by @sagefzy

tagist: open just send an ask :)

[sagewritesmore]

PART FOUR: POPCORN AND GREEN TEA

perfectionism | prev | next

wc: 2108

You tapped your foot on the pavement, anxious to finally meet the eyes of your old friend. The feeling of excitement was almost overwhelming all your senses, the only thing you could focus on was the plain, faded brown door in front of you. Quickly, you sent Suna a text to let him know of your arrival, however in the corner of your eye, you suddenly noticed two figures approaching. You shrugged it off, thinking that it was just two guys passing by on a walk, but rather than walking past the house, they stepped up the driveway slowly drawing near you.

Hearing Ennoshita's words in your mind about being aware of your surroundings, you discreetly glanced back observing the two. But, much to your surprise, it was the exact two guys who bombarded you at the supermarket yesterday. Well, actually, more like the one blond who smashed a shopping cart into your heel, blubbering apologies and looking away, while the other one stood there and watched the whole incident play out.

You watched them for what seemed like forever. Could they possibly be Suna's friends? No, the whole thing seemed too coincidental, surely that couldn't be the case. Not willing to take the chance, you took out your phone once more in hopes to get Suna to clarify that those were, indeed, not his friends. Unfortunately for you, it appeared that the universe had decided to make you a pawn in its game because the two of them were, indeed, his friends.

You let out a heavy sigh, you could already tell that the next few hours would be nothing but awkward stares and embarrassing conversations. Not wanting to ruin your one day of freedom- the one day where you didn't have to listen to your dad's constant yells, telling you how much of a disappointment you are- the one day where you didn't have to sit in front of the piano all day just to feel some sort of gratification. It was then that you decided to just ignore the situation, and pretend as if the blond wasn't the reason that the back of your foot was wrapped in a bandage. For all Suna knew, this was you guys' first encounter, so be it.

Right as the door opened, your eyes were drawn to the tall green-eyed boy who you used to spend every day with as a young kid. "Y/N, so glad you're here!" Suna smiled, as he went in for a quick hug. "Those two behind you are Atsumu and Osamu." He introduced, pointing to the two that were now directly behind you. The blond looked absolutely horrified, stealing brief glimpses at the bandage that hugged your heel, the other one, however, stared back with a nonchalant smile. "They may have almost the same face, but the one with the ugly piss-colored hair is Atsumu, and the normal looking one is Osamu."

You grinned back at the two, showcasing your brightest smile, hoping that they'd get the message to not bring up the fact that this was not your first encounter. You were going to introduce yourself to the two, but the blond seemed to beat you to cut. "How come Samu is the normal one?" He whined.

Suna snickered, "Because Osamu doesn't act like a dramatic brat who needs his hand held every damn second of the day."

Suna's blunt words made you softly chuckle, there was something in friendly banter that just made it so pure and innocent. You looked up at the two, noticing that the blond's expression had softened after hearing your giggles. With the brief moment of silence at hand, you decided to take this as the moment to introduce yourself. "I'm Y/N, it's nice to meet you Atsumu and Osamu."

"Well now that we got introductions out of the way, why don't we go inside and find something to do," Suna suggested.

"Rinny, can we watch a movie?" You asked excitedly. The last time you had watched a movie was when you hung out with Nishinoya, Tanaka, and Ennoshita before leaving Miyagi, and your dad hardly ever let you engage in anything other than school work or piano, making it a rare treasure.

Suna nodded, "Watching a movie it is."

As all of you entered the house, you couldn't help but hear the blond, Atsumu mutter to his brother, "If I called 'm Rinny I think he'd punch me on the spot."

A smile quickly reappeared on your face as you heard his brother respond, "I don't know, I'll give ya one thousand yen to put it to the test."

"No, I think I'll choose life," He giggled.

You found your way to the couch and swiftly pulled out your phone, eager to let your friends know your current situation. The whole scene sounded like something straight out of a book.

You clicked your phone off and turned your attention to the aroma that seemed to be emerging from the kitchen. The familiar scent, caramel popcorn and green tea, jogged an almost forgotten memory of your childhood. An unlikely duo, yet even as a child you couldn't get enough of the weird combination. No one would've ever thought to put the two together, but it just worked.

You almost laughed at the sight. Suna walked out of the kitchen juggling three bowls of caramel popcorn, three bottles of energy drinks, and, of course, your mug of green tea. Since he had such little grace, you got up and lent a helping hand. "No, no you're my guest and you're injured go sit back down," Suna scolded.

"Well it's too late, I'm already here, so I'll just take some of that off your hand," You said while grabbing the mug of tea and the three energy drinks. You walked over to the twins and handed them each their bottle.

"Say what happened to yer foot over there?" Osamu asked with a smirk on his face.

"Oh yeah you never told me what you did to your foot, Y/N," Suna added as he placed the remaining bowls on the side table.

"It's not a big deal I just scraped myself with glass while unpacking," You blurted. You hoped that the lie was convincing enough, but to be honest, scraping yourself with glass sounded way more believable than being run over with a shopping cart.

"I see, sorry to hear that," Osamu responded in an almost surprise-like manner. You thought that maybe he expected you to call out his brother, however you decided to stick with your initial decision of ignoring the situation to save your night from awkwardness. His expression only got more surprised as he realized the unusual food combination you were eating. For only eating caramel popcorn with green tea, he looked as if you were committing a crime against food.

"Green tea with caramel popcorn?" He asked.

With no shame you nodded your head. "Don't knock it until you try it, it's my favorite combo in the world. I can never get enough of it."

Suna sighed, "Yeah, it's no use to convince her otherwise it's been more than a solid seven years since i last saw her and she still likes it."

The night ended almost as quickly as it started. Although you were initially worried about it being awkward, your worries were soon rested once Osamu started explaining his love of cooking. You both talked endlessly about all sorts of sweets and savory foods you both enjoyed indulging in. However, his twin, on the other hand, barely talked as he aimlessly played around with his phone.

Your eyes noticed the time on the nearby clock, the numbers displaying that it was near midnight. Your stomach instantly knotted, if your dad wasn't asleep, you for sure were going to get an ear full when you arrived home. You picked up your phone, and smiled at Suna and Osamu who's chest softly rose up and down as they slept.

You stood up quietly, getting Atsumu's attention. You didn't expect him to do or say anything since he'd been quite dull the entire night, but it seemed like this was a night of surprises. "Yer not planning to go all the way to the bus stop by yerself now are ya?" He asked.

"Well I'm not waking either of them so they can escort me if that's what you're asking," you responded "But, you're more than welcome to join me if it'll put your mind at ease." You fully expected him to not care, however he grabbed his jacket next to him and stood up, walking over to where you stood by the front door.

He quietly opened the door, careful to not make a creaking noise. "After you," He said as he directed you out of the house. The crisp winter air hit your face, your whole body jolted from the sudden change of temperatures. "Don't suppose yer cold now?" He asked, probably noticing your shivering. You replied by shaking your head and continued on the trail to the bus stop.

The rest of the walk was mostly silent, neither one of you knowing what to say. This was definitely uncharacteristically of Atsumu, anyone who'd even slightly know him would expect him to be chatting your ear off with overdramatized commentary. However, things seemed to be different in this situation, there was an eerie feeling about you that he couldn't quite put his finger on. Of course, it didn't help that your first encounter with him was him, in fact, running a shopping cart into you, but it wasn't just that. Maybe it was the way you presented yourself, in an almost sickening sweet-like manner. It all felt artificial, like a facade.

"Well this is it," you said, snapping him out of his thoughts, "Just in time for the last bus, thanks for walking with me." You turned around to enter the vehicle but before you could, a hand made its way to your arm. You immediately flinched at the contact, pulling away at the light hold he had on you.

"I'm sorry I just- i um," He started, trying to find a way to word what he wanted to say. "I wanted to say that 'm sorry for yesterday, it was kind of a shitty thing to do, and 'm also sorry for not really talking all that much today, ya seem really nice and I'm usually not this bad when it comes to meeting new people. And, I totally ruined the night by ignoring you I-"

You lightly laughed, "It's alright, plus any friend of Rin's, is a friend of mine, and you didn't ruin tonight at all, I thought it was perfect." You both smiled back at each other, not saying anything for a moment. You cleared your throat, "Um, I'll see you around, have a good night, Atsumu."

He watched as you entered the bus. A small smile made it on his face as he watched you wave goodbye from the bus window. He waved back and muttered under his breath, "Good night, Y/N."

The bus ride was only about ten minutes. Anxiously, you opened the door to your house, hoping that by some miracle your dad would be sound asleep. The old door slightly creaked, you peaked inside and all your worries flushed away as you saw your dad passed out on the couch. Granted he was passed out drunk, at least that's what you gathered by the four bottles of empty beer that laid at his feet.

Even for you, life wasn't as perfect as it seemed. As much as you wanted it to be, as much as you led people on to think that it was, it just wasn't. The worst part of it was that deep down, you felt accountable for it all. Maybe if you would've been just a little better at piano, you could've achieved your perfect life.

You reached your bedroom and exhaustedly plopped down on your bed. You glanced at the picture of your mother on your bedside table. Her long hair glided down her lavender dress, her face gleaming with a smile. In one hand she held her violin and the other held an award deeming her the best violinist in the nation. She was talented, beautiful, intelligent, and made your dad happy. She was absolutely everything you weren't, and your dad made sure to remind you everyday.

Life before she died was perfect. You could never recall a memory of you being sad around her. Before you closed your eyes, you whispered, "I wish I was perfect like you."

fun facts !

Whenever Atsumu doesn't know how to address a situation, he just goes on his phone and plays angry birds.

If you're ever bored, Osamu will talk forever about all the different ways you can cook the same recipe.

Suna can never stay awake during a movie night, he always falls asleep somehow.

Before getting into volleyball, the twins' mother tried to get them into violin, however that quickly failed once Atsumu broke his bow on the second day of lessons.

perfectionism ©

smau written by @sagefzy

taglist: open just send an ask :)

@shephard17895 @art-junkie-13 @vhsryuu @qualitygiantshoepsychic @everytimeswift @kritiiiii

[renegadeontherunn]

@city-of-fae​ LISS OKAY I STARTED ANSWERING YOUR ASK AND TUMBLR GLITCHED AND ATE IT I’M SO SORRY UGHHHH BUT ANYWAY

!!!!!! YOU ARE CERTAINLY NOT THE ONLY ONE!!! OBI AND SOKA CONSUMES ME SOMETIMES AND THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES!!!! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH YES!!!!! and thank you so much for the ask that tumblr was very mean to!!!!! let me go listen--

the song in question

OH MY GOD

ONE SECOND I'M JUST OVER HERE SOBBING GAHHHHHHH THIS SONG!!!! oh MAN this song in the context of obi-wan and ahsoka????? AND POST-ROTS????? GODDDDDD OKAY YES YES YES ABSOLUTELY LISS YOUR MIND--

awake, awake, you children bold / take hold of all your books and fold / the corners, they warned us / a storm is coming on

this is an AMAZING start to this song given the context of post-rots. it really gives me the feeling of yeah waking everyone up and frantically whispering get up, get up, grab your stuff we have to go which just gahhhh yes reminds me a lot of obi-wan and ahsoka having to leave behind everything in the wake of anakin's "storm coming on." and, of course, "children bold" is very ahsoka and obi-wan would tell her to take her books that's so :'))

what do you mean you've lost your scarlet welly boots? / do y'know what they cost? / wear a raincoat or it'll soak you to the bone

okay again, I can see this scene so clearly in my head, they're rushing around searching for all their stuff and ahsoka's like "obi-wan I can't find my boots" and it's all very much parent scolding child in a hurry/panic but then still turning around and saying "make sure you wear a raincoat, here take mine" and again that is very much obi-wan and ahsoka to me!!

and I love you, don't you know / that I'll be with you all along, as long as you are kind / to those who are not strong and cannot find their scarlet welly boots

I feel like this really captures an essential of obi-wan's teachings to ahsoka: be kind, help everyone you can, remember when you were in that situation, "teaching is a privilege, it's part of a Jedi's responsibility to help train the next generation," etc etc and also just the "I love you, don't you know / that I'll be with you all along" godddd thinking about that with obi and soka is mAKING ME SOB

cause when it's cold / I'll wrap my scarf around you / and when it's hard / I'll place your head into my hands

yes. yes yes yes yes this!!! this right here is obi-wan and ahsoka!!!! I'm sobbing

and when you scream that it's not fair / it's like I've gone off to the coast / left you behind just standing there / pretending not to see your ghost / if only you could hear my voice / but you are screaming far too loud to hear me swear / just because I left doesn't mean I'm not still there

goddddd okay yes, I think this can be seen through a few different contexts, definitely post-rots and also deception (oUCH OUCH OUCH) like you said, and also I think this works for post-s5. just all the times where obi-wan and ahsoka were separated and this is just. ouch ouch ouch. but yeah this part with deception??? such a good angle, ahsoka screaming it's not fair, but obi-wan saying I'm still here. ugh. pain

I get to watch you grow up now / and make me proud / make all of the mistakes that make me laugh / oh, darling, lord, how you make me laugh / . . . / cause you were always strong / when you were young, you'd kick things just to see if they would fall

I'm sobbing. liss, I'm sobbing. this! this is so obi-wan looking at ahsoka when she was a padawan. I think she really really brought a source of light and hope to both his and anakin's lives during the war and their characters are just so good together bc she's a lot like anakin ("you'd kick things just to see if they would fall"), but not nearly as weighed down as either of them (at least not until the end), and like. they are just :'))))) they! are! father! and! daughter!!!!

they said "that girl, she's wrong" / but I'll stick up for you / even though you haven't got a clue

the wrong jedi. that's all I'm gonna say. just. the wrong jedi

actually, that's not all I'm gonna say KJASJKDLADKLJS bc I have a lot of conflicting feelings and thoughts about obi-wan's involvement in the wrong jedi arc and since we got basically nothing in the actual show (because d*sney is a bunch of cowards) it all sort of has to be conjecture. but anyway, I think that obi-wan did stick up for ahsoka as much as he could and I really want to believe that he was right beside anakin defending her and like really trying to prove her innocence, but what we're shown in the show is. not that and I've seen a lot of really like solid and well-informed posts about how a big part of obi-wan's characterization is that he is someone who lets go and I can't find the one I'm thinking of rn but also like. idk it is shown how conflicted he is during that arc. plus, how much could they have even taken obi-wan's opinion into account bc it's nearly impossible for him to be unbiased?? like he's her grandmaster!! idk and that is NOT what this post is about ajskdkljdsa, but basically. yes. yes this is obi-wan in the wrong jedi.

and I'm so proud of you

screaming, crying, throwing up. GOD I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

and when you scream "I'm not alright" / and throw my picture at the wall / "you were supposed to be my light / and keep me safe against them all / how could you leave me here?" you'll scream / . . . / you'll say "I've been so scared / you left me here behind / do you not care? / how the fuck am I supposed to carry on without you here?"

this! this is so so so much deception, post-s5, post-rots, all of this!!!! this is ahsoka confused and angry and hurt and betrayed and homesick and I'm going to SOB. I don't have much more to say about this line, just. yes. yes yes yes this

you'll miss me, oh jesus christ, you'll miss me / just as much as all those years ago, and you'll look up at the storm

okay yes this is definitely reminding me of post-rots ahsoka looking back on deception and post-rots obi-wan looking back on the wrong jedi both of them missing the other, both of them knowing what it feels like to lose each other and be separated and just having that happen again and again :(((

just when you're about to give up every hope you have, you turn around / perched by the stairs, someone's gone and left behind / a brand new pair of scarlet welly boots

this hits me SO HARD. it is so so indicative of obi-wan and ahsoka still being around post-rots even though they both think the other is gone (which is just. so heartbreaking I can't) but they both still have their memories of each other and what they've taught each other and I think that they really do live on in each other's lives after revenge of the sith and they both have the task of keeping anakin's memory alive and ensuring safety and happiness for other people and while their lives and missions are very different, they both are still trying to do the same thing and they still have that connection and I just. I sob.

I love them so much and this song is perfect for them thank you for introducing me to it!!!!!! I will never be over this song with them gOD

[mallowstep]

Let me toss you a 3, an 11, and if you don't mind, a couple outside the list: where would you put yourself on the planner to pantser spectrum? Ever had to deal with unruly characters that just refuse to play nice and throw a wrench into the whole outline?

author asks

(3) what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favourite scenes first? something else?

uhh i try to do front to back, but usually i start a fic with a few scenes that i'm feeling drawn to. they're not even necessarily important scenes: i just am attacked to them.

(one for ibtwicm that i can share is literally just, "You have to be clever." that's it. it's just one sentence, but it's one of my anchors for the whole fic.)

anyway i try to do front to back, but depending on the fic, i'll sometimes need to do chronological (it hasn't happened for any warriors fics, but it has happened for others). i tend to gain a lot of momentum when i write, and jumping around can break that.

(11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

akldj this is kind of a hard question to answer because i've been writing like. since i could hold a pencil. i used to have a whole shelf of notebooks going all the way back to like first grade.

specifically to since-i-started-doing-warriors-fic, i'd say i'm a lot more confident in characterization now. in that i trust myself to write interesting characters, and i don't feel like i need to justify my every decision with textual evidence.

honestly, just being more confident is a big thing for me. when i read a lot of the stuff i wrote a few years ago, i usually think, "i wish i had just pushed it farther" because i had this idea that i was just afraid to commit to.

i think my gravity falls fic ("strings") is a turning point in that, because i wasn't like. a huge gravity falls fan. i knew the core characters, but i mostly knew them through some daemon fics i really liked, not the show. and i can't page through episodes of a tv show to get an idea of characterization. so i just. had to write who i wanted them to be.

moving a bit farther back, i'm really proud of how far my dialogue-action balance has come. i've been all over the place: can't write action, can't write dialogue, can't write anything, can write both but not together, etc., and i generally enjoy character study, low dialogue, type things.

but i've noticed, since i started writing fic again, that i don't find myself saying "oh shit, too much has happened between these lines of dialogue" or "god they've been talking for ages, what were they doing again?" half as much as i used to.

planner vs pantster?

planner. i definitely am a pants-y planner, and this depends on the fic, but having a solid outline is really crucial.

like, i don't need an outline to write. the bulk of my med cat dovewing fic was written without an outline, but that was because i Knew i wouldn't post it until i finished writing it, so i could afford to jump around and tie scenes in when i realized where i wanted a plot thread to go. and i couldn't have done that if i was posting as i went, i would have needed to start with the end in mind.

and i usually leave a fair amount of space in my outlines: ibtwicm had like. three or four major plot threads unresolved in the outline until...frankly, until i wrote tallstar's chapter.

in my outline for mtbnsof, it still says that jayfeather stays in thunderclan, not alderheart. then i decided i wanted jayfeather and mothwing's background drama, and a few other reasons.

but mtbsnof also has like. an Insane amount of documentation.

ashes had a big empty hole in my outline for a really long time from...about when leafpool's litter is born to a little after where we are now. obviously i filled it, but i knew what had to happen (the warrior drama, dovekit, marigoldkit, etc.), just not how it was going to happen.

anyway, planner. that's my final answer.

unruly characters?

occasionally, but usually in minor ways. it's pretty rare, nowadays, for me to write a character and have it go off the rails.

(chapter breaks? ohh, those go off the rails a Lot. not just in terms of fics being longer than expected, but just. a chapter Demanding to include a certain scene or end a little early.)

i think the most recent instance is the ships for the three in ashes. i had a whole plan for them and then hjl said No.

also, squirrelflight having a litter in astatine was completely unplanned. i just thought it would be good tension, and it was.

but usually when something goes sideways, the events in the outline don't change, just their portrayal.

like. hm. okay, for "cardamom pods and vanilla beans," i had a scene that was initially titled "Jaywing Observation by Poppyfrost" that was supposed to be from her pov, and something about her affection for him.

but jaywing demanded that he see his girlfriend stare at him. he demanded the emotional intimacy of understanding someone so well you can process their senses.

or in "you've been on my mind, girl, since the flood," millie was supposed to be disconnected from blossomfall, like she was erasing her childhood memories to fit with her current understanding of the world.

and then i thought: actually, no, that's not what's happening, not from blossomfall's perspective. what's happening is she's living with the consequences of her decisions. like.

she "knows" it's wrong to be bitter and upset over briarlight, and she "knows" training in the dark forest was wrong, and so now: she's not the cat treating others with kindness, she's the cat leaning on others' kindness. and so her whole relationship with her mother has been flipped: she is the object of the parable, now, not the listening child.

and that's something i never would have been able to know without writing the first few scenes of ybommgstf, without getting to millie's very first line, "We become what we do," because that's not something i could put on an outline.

it didn't change anything, in terms of the outline: blossomfall's still outwardly acting the same. but my initial plan was for. a sympathetic but abrasive blossomfall. one who started in a reasonable place, but was bitter, wouldn't start the process of change.

and i think the blossomfall i wrote was. mostly the same, but now it wasn't that she wouldn't start the process of change, it was that she quite literally couldn't. i thought it was going to be a lie-she-told-herself, that she just didn't know how to change, but it ended up being very true.

anyway i've rambled on entirely too long. thanks for the qs! always fun to answer.

[harryandmeghansussex]

Day 18 of @defendingtheduchesses 's Meghan memories challenge.

Meghan's writing has always been one of my favourite strengths of hers. And I thought I would share one for day 18, so I picked this important one.

'What are you?' A question I get asked every week of my life, often every day. 'Well,' I say, as I begin the verbal dance I know all too well. 'I'm an actress, a writer, the Editor-in-Chief of my lifestyle brand The Tig, a pretty good cook and a firm believer in handwritten notes.' A mouthful, yes, but one that I feel paints a pretty solid picture of who I am. But here's what happens: they smile and nod politely, maybe even chuckle, before getting to their point, 'Right, but what are you? Where are your parents from?' I knew it was coming, I always do. While I could say Pennsylvania and Ohio, and continue this proverbial two-step, I instead give them what they're after: 'My dad is Caucasian and my mom is African American. I'm half black and half white.

To describe something as being black and white means it is clearly defined. Yet when your ethnicity is black and white, the dichotomy is not that clear. In fact, it creates a grey area. Being biracial paints a blurred line that is equal parts staggering and illuminating. When I was asked by ELLE to share my story, I'll be honest, I was scared. It's easy to talk about which make-up I prefer, my favourite scene I've filmed, the rigmarole of 'a day in the life' and how much green juice I consume before a requisite Pilates class. And while I have dipped my toes into this on thetig.com, sharing small vignettes of my experiences as a biracial woman, today I am choosing to be braver, to go a bit deeper, and to share a much larger picture of that with you.

It was the late Seventies when my parents met, my dad was a lighting director for a soap opera and my mom was a temp at the studio. I like to think he was drawn to her sweet eyes and her Afro, plus their shared love of antiques. Whatever it was, they married and had me. They moved into a house in The Valley in LA, to a neighbourhood that was leafy and affordable. What it was not, however, was diverse. And there was my mom, caramel in complexion with her light-skinned baby in tow, being asked where my mother was since they assumed she was the nanny.

I was too young at the time to know what it was like for my parents, but I can tell you what it was like for me – how they crafted the world around me to make me feel like I wasn't different but special. When I was about seven, I had been fawning over a boxed set of Barbie dolls. It was called The Heart Family and included a mom doll, a dad doll, and two children. This perfect nuclear family was only sold in sets of white dolls or black dolls. I don't remember coveting one over the other, I just wanted one. On Christmas morning, swathed in glitter-flecked wrapping paper, there I found my Heart Family: a black mom doll, a white dad doll, and a child in each colour. My dad had taken the sets apart and customised my family.

Fast-forward to the seventh grade and my parents couldn't protect me as much as they could when I was younger. There was a mandatory census I had to complete in my English class – you had to check one of the boxes to indicate your ethnicity: white, black, Hispanic or Asian. There I was (my curly hair, my freckled face, my pale skin, my mixed race) looking down at these boxes, not wanting to mess up, but not knowing what to do. You could only choose one, but that would be to choose one parent over the other – and one half of myself over the other. My teacher told me to check the box for Caucasian. 'Because that's how you look, Meghan,' she said. I put down my pen. Not as an act of defiance, but rather a symptom of my confusion. I couldn't bring myself to do that, to picture the pit-in-her-belly sadness my mother would feel if she were to find out. So, I didn't tick a box. I left my identity blank – a question mark, an absolute incomplete – much like how I felt.

When I went home that night, I told my dad what had happened. He said the words that have always stayed with me: 'If that happens again, you draw your own box.'

I never saw my father angry, but in that moment I could see the blotchiness of his skin crawling from pink to red. It made the green of his eyes pop and his brow was weighted at the thought of his daughter being prey to ignorance. Growing up in a homogeneous community in Pennsylvania, the concept of marrying an African-American woman was not on the cards for my dad. But he saw beyond what was put in front of him in that small-sized (and, perhaps, small-minded) town, and he wanted me to see beyond that census placed in front of me. He wanted me to find my own truth.

And I tried. Navigating closed-mindedness to the tune of a dorm mate I met my first week at university who asked if my parents were still together. 'You said your mom is black and your dad is white, right?' she said. I smiled meekly, waiting for what could possibly come out of her pursed lips next. 'And they're divorced?' I nodded. 'Oh, well that makes sense.' To this day, I still don't fully understand what she meant by that, but I understood the implication. And I drew back: I was scared to open this Pandora's box of discrimination, so I sat stifled, swallowing my voice.

I was home in LA on a college break when my mom was called the 'N' word. We were leaving a concert and she wasn't pulling out of a parking space quickly enough for another driver. My skin rushed with heat as I looked to my mom. Her eyes welling with hateful tears, I could only breathe out a whisper of words, so hushed they were barely audible: 'It's OK, Mommy.' I was trying to temper the rage-filled air permeating our small silver Volvo. Los Angeles had been plagued with the racially charged Rodney King and Reginald Denny cases just years before, when riots had flooded our streets, filling the sky with ash that flaked down like apocalyptic snow; I shared my mom's heartache, but I wanted us to be safe. We drove home in deafening silence, her chocolate knuckles pale from gripping the wheel so tightly.

It's either ironic or apropos that in this world of not fitting in, and of harbouring my emotions so tightly under my ethnically nondescript (and not so thick) skin, that I would decide to become an actress. There couldn't possibly be a more label-driven industry than acting, seeing as every audition comes with a character breakdown: 'Beautiful, sassy, Latina, 20s'; 'African American, urban, pretty, early 30s'; 'Caucasian, blonde, modern girl next door'. Every role has a label; every casting is for something specific. But perhaps it is through this craft that I found my voice.

Being 'ethnically ambiguous', as I was pegged in the industry, meant I could audition for virtually any role. Morphing from Latina when I was dressed in red, to African American when in mustard yellow; my closet filled with fashionable frocks to make me look as racially varied as an Eighties Benetton poster. Sadly, it didn't matter: I wasn't black enough for the black roles and I wasn't white enough for the white ones, leaving me somewhere in the middle as the ethnic chameleon who couldn't book a job.

This is precisely why Suits stole my heart. It's the Goldilocks of my acting career – where finally I was just right. The series was initially conceived as a dramedy about a NY law firm flanked by two partners, one of whom navigates this glitzy world with his fraudulent degree. Enter Rachel Zane, one of the female leads and the dream girl – beautiful and confident with an encyclopedic knowledge of the law. 'Dream girl' in Hollywood terms had always been that quintessential blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty – that was the face that launched a thousand ships, not the mixed one. But the show's producers weren't looking for someone mixed, nor someone white or black for that matter. They were simply looking for Rachel. In making a choice like that, the Suits producers helped shift the way pop culture defines beauty. The choices made in these rooms trickle into how viewers see the world, whether they're aware of it or not. Some households may never have had a black person in their house as a guest, or someone biracial. Well, now there are a lot of us on your TV and in your home with you. And with Suits, specifically, you have Rachel Zane. I couldn't be prouder of that.

At the end of season two, the producers went a step further and cast the role of Rachel's father as a dark-skinned African-American man, played by the brilliant Wendell Pierce. I remember the tweets when that first episode of the Zane family aired, they ran the gamut from: 'Why would they make her dad black? She's not black' to 'Ew, she's black? I used to think she was hot.' The latter was blocked and reported. The reaction was unexpected, but speaks of the undercurrent of racism that is so prevalent, especially within America. On the heels of the racial unrest in Ferguson and Baltimore, the tensions that have long been percolating under the surface in the US have boiled over in the most deeply saddening way. And as a biracial woman, I watch in horror as both sides of a culture I define as my own become victims of spin in the media, perpetuating stereotypes and reminding us that the States has perhaps only placed bandages over the problems that have never healed at the root.

I, on the other hand, have healed from the base. While my mixed heritage may have created a grey area surrounding my self-identification, keeping me with a foot on both sides of the fence, I have come to embrace that. To say who I am, to share where I'm from, to voice my pride in being a strong, confident mixed-race woman. That when asked to choose my ethnicity in a questionnaire as in my seventh grade class, or these days to check 'Other', I simply say: 'Sorry, world, this is not Lost and I am not one of The Others. I am enough exactly as I am.'

Just as black and white, when mixed, make grey, in many ways that's what it did to my self-identity: it created a murky area of who I was, a haze around howpeople connected with me. I was grey. And who wants to be this indifferent colour, devoid of depth and stuck in the middle? I certainly didn't. So you make a choice: continue living your life feeling muddled in this abyss of self-misunderstanding, or you find your identity independent of it. You push for colour-blind casting, you draw your own box. You introduce yourself as who you are, not what colour your parents happen to be. You cultivate your life with people who don't lead with ethnic descriptions such as, 'that black guy Tom', but rather friends who say: 'You know? Tom, who works at [blah blah] and dates [fill in the blank] girl.' You create the identity you want for yourself, just as my ancestors did when they were given their freedom. Because in 1865 (which is so shatteringly recent), when slavery was abolished in the United States, former slaves had to choose a name. A surname, to be exact.

Perhaps the closest thing to connecting me to my ever-complex family tree, my longing to know where I come from, and the commonality that links me to my bloodline, is the choice that my great-great-great grandfather made to start anew. He chose the last name Wisdom. He drew his own box.

[singingcookie]

Idk if it's okay to ask multiple things in one ask? If not, you can just pick one/some of these (I'll leave the choice up to you~): 001 - bnha | 002 - momojirou, izuocha | 003 - kaminari, hawks, tsuyu, jirou, uraraka, shigaraki, midoriya

Yeah that’s totally fine!! Though someone else did send me Izuocha (link) and bnha (link) in other asks, but I shall answer the rest here!! I’m gonna put it under a cut so it doesn’t take a million years to scroll past lol

I think I’m gonna do the characters you sent besides Uraraka and Deku, mostly because I talk about them all the time anyways. And the odds of someone else sending me those two are fairly high so on we go!! 

To kick things off, Momojirou!

002 | send me a ship and I will tell you:

when or if I started shipping it.

Y’know, I’m not really sure? It wasn’t anything in canon. I think it was just a piece of fanart that got me to consider it and I was like “hmmmm you have my attention…” about it afterwards lol

my thoughts:

I think they’re a really cute prospect! We already know that Momo’s helped Kyouka with studying for the final exams, and then Hori said in the Ultra Archive book that just came out that they’re sharing music with one another and they’re really close friends so!! I’d be more than down with this ship lol

What makes me happy about them:

They’re so different, but they’re eager to learn more about each other! That’s always something really cute…!

What makes me sad about them:

They’re not a very popular ship :/ I see a lot of fanart, but not much in the way of fics unless they’re just there like in the background primarily.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

They’re usually a background ship lmao

Things I look for in fanfic:

Give me them as the main focus and show me two girls who care about each other and I’m very sold lol

My kinks:

Errrr I really don’t have any lol

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

For Momo I think AwaseMomo is cute, so’s the concept of IidaMomo and maybe TodoMomo if you give me good build up. For Jirou I’d say I’d be down with Kamijirou and also no one talks about it but like…guys we’re all sleeping on Minajirou…

My happily ever after for them:

They get to be cute girlfriends during off time from Hero work. Jirou also writes rock music in her free time, and Momo loves get togethers to invite all of their friends over and listen to Jirou play.

Okay on to the people questions!!

003 | Give me a character & I will tell you

First and foremost, Kaminari!

How I feel about this character:

I really like Kaminari! He’s a huge goofball but he also really cares about his friends. And while he may not have the highest grades in the class, he seems to be really good at reading people! 

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Kamijirou, ShinKami, KamiMina, KamiKiri… I’d be down with any of those tbh.

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

KamiSero. Bros man. Bros for life 

My unpopular opinion about this character:

I don’t think he’s quite as dumb as some parts of the fandom can portray him as though I think his classmates do over exaggerate it themselves similar to how fandom does

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

Mostly I just hope we get him in more serious situations as the story continues? The only time we’ve seen him really get serious was during the license exam. And I just think it’d be nice to see him under a more serious kind of pressure now that he has better means of controlling his quirk.

My OTP:

Kaminari/Wheeeey

My OT3:

I can’t even think of a solid OT3 here that I could really get behind so idk.

Next up we got Hawks!

How I feel about this character:

Lemme tell you, I was not expecting to love Hawks as much as I do? He’s not really one of my top 5 or anything but any time he shows up I’m like “Hey!!! It’s mah boy!!!” He’s great, love him. Terrified for him also considering how many Icarus parallels we’ve gotten hahahahaha

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

I think the concept of Huyumi is neat?

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

EndHawks are a solid brotp from how the manga’s going rn. Also Tokoyami and Hawks. And my OC Hikaru and Hawks I mean what.

My unpopular opinion about this character:

I’m not really sure tbh. Maybe just that I don’t think he’s gonna turn on the heroes for real? I know that’s been a thing like “how do we know what side he’s really on?” But I think the latest chapter kinda helps kick that away idk

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

*banging pots and pans together* DEEPEN THAT BACK STORY GIVE ME MORE INFO DAMMIT

My OTP:

Hawks/Living

My OT3:

Again I…have no idea lmao

Alright now we go on to Tsuyu!!

How I feel about this character:

Tsuyu is a good frog. I really enjoy her character and her overall just chill kind of nature I guess? But I also love that she’s still willing to stand up for her convictions! Like, saying what she did in the hospital took a lot guts! And then telling the rescue group how much knowing they went through with it hurt her… She’s a brave girl who stands up for what she believes in. She’s got a good head on her shoulders for sure!

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Habuko/Tsuyu, Tsuchako… It occcurs to me that I must headcanon her as wlw because I can’t really imagine her with any of the dudes.

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

TokoTsuyu and MidoTsu! I love the way she interacts with both boys and how easily they work together and she gets along with them!

My unpopular opinion about this character:

Idk I think it reads really weird when people write her as saying “kero” or “ribbit” every single sentence. Like, she does say it often enough but not like every sentence. I’m not sure outside of that what an unpopular opinion would even be for her.

Actually also consider…transgirl Tsuyu. Thank you for your consideration.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

I’d like to see her struggles a little more? She’s been a part of a couple of arcs but it’s mostly just with her just kinda being there. We don’t see her struggling like Ochako does following Overhaul. The most struggle we got was the hospital and follow up scene. It would be nice to expand on that for her character I think. Give us a better grasp on her by knowing how she goes through something hard.

Maybe also show us something with her family too!

My OTP:

Habuko/Tsuyu by a mile!

My OT3:

I can’t really think of one, but I think that’s just cause I only have the two ships and I feel weird pushing that into an OT3 when Habuko and Ochako don’t know each other lol

Then we have Jirou!!

How I feel about this character:

Jirou’s kind of a nice change from a lot of the other girls in Class A. The rest are pretty bubbly or upbeat while Jirou’s kind of lowkey and sarcastic? She’s a good change of pace while also being really nice to bounce said characters off of. I also like seeing her love of music. And the fact that while it’s something she really does love she’s not really looking to make a career out of it? Because sometimes you want your hobbies and job separate so that’s cool to see too.

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Oh gosh okay um Momojirou, Kamijirou, KoudaJirou and Minajirou. These are all good and I will stand by it lol

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

Bakujirou. Listen…the cultural festival and then the joint training put this friendship in my heart and I’m so about it! But also I love her friendships with all the people in the ships I mentioned…

My unpopular opinion about this character:

Idk if this is unpopular but I don’t think she’s very uppity about music taste? I think Jirou’s really open to a wide variety of music but she tends to enjoy rock the most. It’s part of why she’s learned to play so many instruments, I think!

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

Give me a moment where she gets to be at the core of something heroic. We almost got a glimpse of that in the USJ attack. But then she was unconscious for the training camp, she wasn’t part of Overhaul… She did get focus in the cultural festival but that was about the music, more than any like hero mission or anything…

My OTP:

Jirou/Music

I’m sorry I know a lot of these OTPs sound like jokes but it’s mostly because there isn’t like one of the romantic ships that super outweighs the others for me.

My OT3:

*shrugs*

And last but certainly not least: Shigaraki!! BE FOREWARNED LOTS AND LOTS OF SPOILERS AHEAD!!

How I feel about this character:

Shigaraki is a poor bastard that I love to hate. He’s a really complex character as we’ve been shown since the villain arc. His backstory is absolutely tragic. And Hori keeps painting for us these parallels to Deku but ultimately they function more as foils. Putting them in similar situations only to highlight the difference the two characters have with one another.

I can’t wait to see what else Hori has in story regarding him!

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Hmmm, I’m not really sure I have a ship for him really? I think it’s mostly just that I haven’t considered it, so I don’t really have any thoughts regarding that.

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

His whole relationship to the League is...actually really sweet? It’s nice that they’ve all found this little home and camaraderie with one another.

My unpopular opinion about this character:

I don’t really think he’s all that bad? Like I know there’s a lot that don’t think he’s very interesting or what have you, but I really find his character fascinating and I can’t wait to see how much more he grows outside of AfO’s influence.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

I really like the idea of some of his memories being faked by AfO or else that AfO is the one that gave him his quirk in the first place. It just makes the most sense to me considering how his quirk started out so strong right at the beginning when all the other quirks we’ve seen don’t start off immediately strong unless they’re a quirk with a stockpile effect (e.g. OfA and Eri’s Rewind).

My OTP:

Shigaraki/Medication for his skin condition :

My OT3:

I don’t even have any ships how would I do an OT3 lmao

[shhhs3cret]

I'll Help You Stitch Up Your Wounds

So this is my first fic to post on here and I’m honestly super excited about it. The first half of this story is based on the last two years of my life so it’s really personal for me but I’m finding it to be incredibly therapeutic to write it down and share it with the world. My situation is not nearly as bad as some have been but I’m hoping that by writing and sharing this it might help others to handle things better than I did. I’d love to hear any constructive criticism to make this great. I’m hoping to turn this into a series and if so mentions of alcoholism and self hatred will be mentioned so please take this into account before reading. I want people to enjoy this story but I know from personal experience that reading about those situations can sometimes trap you in your own head. Again, my main goals in writing this are to help myself and help others. Hope you enjoy. :)

Pairing: None (Platonic for now) Characters: Sam, Dean, Reader (Platonic for now) Warnings: Mention of date rape, mention of verbally abusive relationship Word Count: 3k (whoops?)

I’m honestly not quite sure how I got here. Logistically speaking, I woke up one morning hoping that I could reinvent myself somewhere completely new so I booked a flight to the other side of the world and left. Left my family, left my friends, and most painfully, I left him.

This story really isn’t about him, but to understand why I am where I am, it’s necessary to explain. I’m still working it all out myself, because like I said, I’m still not sure how I ended up here exactly.

He was the one I wanted to be my forever. We’d discussed locations for our future home, venues for a wedding, and names for future children. None of that seemed to be enough, though. It didn’t matter how many times we’d discussed the future, vowed our love or made love; nothing could stop our evolving personalities from clashing. We were so young when we met. So passionate and forth coming, but way too naive to make the type of commitment that we were attempting. He wanted to see the world on his terms, and I wanted it on mine. He wanted a house wife and I’d reply, “have you met me?” We tried, we really did. We both wanted it to work. We broke up once and only days later went running back into each other’s arms because it just didn’t feel right being apart. I had thought that Nick was it for me.

Things drastically changed when I was betrayed by a friend more than I could have ever imagined. He was a close friend; someone who had a fiancé and the two would often double date with Nick and me. We took classes together in college and I thought that we’d developed the perfect brother/sister relationship. We frequently went to the bar that I worked at on my nights off to relax and decompress after a days worth of classes, so it was never surprising for my co workers and friends to see us arrive and leave together. One night, though, Jay apparently had alternative plans. I remember arriving just as usual, my best friend behind the bar pouring us each one beer and one shot as per the norm. We walked to the patio, lit a cigarette and immediately began our banter regarding the terrible judge who taught our legal research and writing class. Things were normal. Fine. Regular. I stood to use the ladies room and left him with my beer. No reason to not trust your pseudo brother, right? We ended up leaving almost immediately after and the night from then on is a terrible mess of a memory. It’s like a DVD that’s been scratched over a million times and hops from one scene to another. It starts on the patio of the bar then jumps to Jay’s car. Then we’re in front of my parents house where I lived and he’s a sweaty heap on top of me. Then I’m falling up the driveway, scraping the hell out of my knee, trying to get into the house. My dad sees me at the door and helps me to the toilet where I purge every liquid and solid I’ve ever consumed in my twenty-five years of living. Then the sun is up and I’m in my bed feeling worse than I ever have before. And let’s be honest, I made my living working at a bar - I know what a hangover is. This was not a hangover. I had been drugged.

Instead of doing the appropriate thing and reporting Jay to the authorities, I buried it. I told my dad that I had just drank way too much the night before and I crossed my fingers and toes and prayed to whatever being there was above, around or below me that it would just go away. I wanted the dirty, disgusting, guilty feeling to just disappear. I avoided Jay in class, blocked his phone number and email and locked him out of my head as best as I could. I avoided Nick for days just so that he wouldn’t see the terrible hickies that the bastard had left - and because I didn’t feel like I could face him yet.

Nick was always particularly protective over me, never trusting my judgment and thinking that I trusted others way too easily. Though he may have been right in his assumptions, I was still terrified to say anything to him in fear that he’d blame me and we’d end up in another fight. The fights continued regardless, though. I found any and every reason to avoid him touching me intimately and he found all of the reasons to pick me apart. We were both angry over things that we couldn’t control, and I think that the lack of control just made it worse. Our relationship ended only a few months after the Jay incident and it was decided (by Nick) that we’d cut ties all together. He made that irrevocably clear when he texted me saying he’d rather me burn his belongings that I still had rather than having to see me when I planned to return them.

Two weeks later I was on a flight to Australia.

Australia was everything and nothing that I expected. I know that makes almost no sense at all but the experience is really hard to describe. I wanted to get away from my world. I wanted to not know anyone and have no one know me. I wanted to learn how to stand on my own and be okay with being alone. I definitely achieved that. On the flip side, I expected to meet an astounding amount of people. At home it was so easy because I worked in such a public place (always had) and had lived there my entire life. Australia was different. It was like going from being a frog in a pond, not necessarily extraordinary or different, but noticed enough to be counted, to being the freaking fly that gets gobbled up by a frog and forgotten before the frog could croak. That part was scary. And lonely. I remember sitting in front of my phone, staring at the world clock and waiting for an appropriate time to call home. Just sitting around waiting for the world to wake up.

Ten months after my arrival in Australia I was ready to go home. I booked a flight that was due to land at LAX in Los Angeles and planned on taking a road trip from there to Maryland where I grew up. I needed time to think on my own and prepare myself on how to reintroduce the new me into my old life. The flight was gruelling and long, the man next to me snoring for a large portion of the sixteen hours and with him sleeping it made it next to impossible for me to use the toilet when I needed to.

It’s funny when you realise that some of the little ridiculous things that your parents tell you to do actually pay off in the long run. When I left for Australia my dad was adamant that I shouldn’t keep all of my money in one place just to be safe. I promised him I wouldn’t so I kept a $100 American note tucked inside my bra on the way to and from Australia. Looking back, I could have kissed my dad on the cheek and tackled him in a hug for that advice. As I stood outside of the car rental area at LAX I smoked probably the most delicious cigarette I’d ever experienced. Twenty long hours of airport security, customs, and being in a dry airplane will make a girl crazy. As I reached into my back pocket to grab my phone I slid my eyes away from my purse for two seconds too long and someone swung by and grabbed the bag and ran. By the time I realised what had happened I could barely see the young man running and despite my screaming and airport security’s efforts, my purse (which held my passport, license, credit cards and cash) was gone. So again, I could kiss my father for drilling the stashed money into my brain. That first cigarette was followed by another as I decided to walk now that renting a car was out of the question. I made my way to a diner after about thirty minutes of walking and sat down to have a cup of coffee. Grabbing my phone I knew I needed to call my mother to tell her what was going on. So long, independence. It’s time to go crawling back to be saved again. Ring after ring, call after call, and she wasn’t answering. I tried my father next and no luck. I settled to call my mom back and leave her a message explaining my situation.

“Uh, hey mom. I’ve uh ran into a bit of an issue and don’t really know what to do at this point. My purse was stolen so I can’t hire a car to get home. Can you please give me a call back when you get a chance? I love you.”

Sitting there with my arms crossed on the table top and my head resting on top of them, I tried my best to control my breathing to stop myself from having a full blown panic attack. Even if my parents could wire me money I had no ID to get a car or board a plane. And for that matter, even if they wired me money I probably wouldn’t be able to collect it without any ID. I was truly shit out of luck.

I can’t tell you how long I sat there for, just completely wrapped up in my own self pity. Eventually I lifted my head to take a sip of my coffee that had gone cold and looked around only to realise that the once busy diner had emptied aside from the two waitresses working and a pair of men sitting two booths down from me.

I guzzled the remainder of my stale coffee and accepted the refill from the waitress who looked down at me with sympathetic eyes. After forcing an awkward smile at her I redirected my focus to my phone and realised that it was now down to ten percent. I had just barely begun looking into my suitcase when I realised that my charger had been in my purse.

“Well, fuck.” I muttered and followed that up with a dramatic sigh. Only seconds later the bench across from my in my booth was filled by one of the two men who had been occupying the booth two away from me.

He stared at me for a moment with a cheeky grin before announcing himself. “Hi sweetheart, my name is Dean.”

“Uh, hello.” I semi-politely replied. He looked vaguely familiar but with being this far from home, I highly doubted that I actually knew him.

“I’m actually over here for my baby brother. He’s pretty certain that he knows you but he’s too shy to come over and say hello to you himself,” he spoke with a shit eating grin.

I chanced a glance at the other man still seated at the table but could only see the back of his head and that he seemed to have his face resting in his palms as if he was utterly humiliated by his brother’s actions. I honestly couldn’t blame him. This guy seemed like he thought he was too hot to trot.

“Um, well, I’m actually not from this area so I don’t think that’s the case.” I reasoned and then stupidly mentioned “I’m from Baltimore so…” I mentally berated myself for letting these strange men know so much about myself.

“Huh, well, funnily enough, he seems to remember you from when he went to school just outside of Baltimore.” The look on his face made it seem like he’d just won the lotto.

The poor younger brother seemed to finally concede to the fact that his brother wasn’t going to let up so he stood from his booth and began to walk in our direction. I peered in his direction trying to place where it was that we apparently knew each other from. The younger (but absolutely larger) brother sat down on the bench next to Dean and sent me a bashful smile. He definitely looked familiar but I still couldn’t place how.

“Hey, uh, I’m sorry if my brother is bothering you” he glanced at Dean with a slight glare, “but is your name Y/N?”

“Um, yes?” I responded, slightly shocked that he did actually know me and still peculiar as to why.

“Okay, so, I don’t know if you remember me but we went to school together and-”

“Sam!” I exclaimed cutting him off, finally pinpointing where I knew him from. “Holy shit dude is that really you?”

He chuckled, looking much more confident than he was in his undoubtably awkward position. “Yeah, hah, long time, huh?”

“Yes! It’s been what, nine years?” I was stunned to run into him at this crappy diner of all places. Sam had briefly attended my high school but we had made fast friends. He had been in my AP English class and I had been asked by the teacher to help bring the new student up to speed. Sam never needed much help but I think he was really grateful for the friendship we found in our tutoring sessions. During the three months that we went to school together he’d managed to worm his way into my group of friends and when he found out that I didn’t have a date for the homecoming dance he was quick to ask if we could go together platonically.

“Yeah I suppose it has,” he responded after thinking for a moment. I chanced a glance at Dean who seemed to be enjoying this reunion as much as Sam and I were.

“How have you been, though? The last time I heard from you, you were off to Stanford, right?” I questioned.

“Yeah, I was there for a bit but a lot of things happened and I had to change plans.” He answered mysteriously. “What about you? Are you living in California now?”

“Oh no, I actually went abroad for a while and just got back today. It’s been a rough day so I figured I’d partake in the elixir of life while I figure out my next move.” I picked up my coffee mug, giggling a bit, and took a sip.

“Well, small world. Any ideas for that next move?” Dean chimed in with his ever present smirk. This guy seemed to be quite the charmer.

“Um, not quite sure to be honest,” I muttered starting to feel incredibly self conscious. Situations like these would have been the start of a huge lashing from Nick. He had the best way of making me feel like the largest idiot imaginable when I’d fuck up. I really did not want to rehash my stupidity to my newly reacquainted friend and his pretty boy brother.

“You okay?” Sam questioned. That boy always had such a keen eye for my emotions. It was a bit annoying at times.

“Yeah, just ran into a road block or ten after I landed.” I sighed.

He was quick to respond. “Want to vent?”

Bless this boy and his huge heart. “Nah, it’s okay. I don’t want to burden you guys. Um, do either of you happen to have a phone charger, though?” I ducked my head in embarrassment for my lack of possessions at the moment.

“Yeah I have one in my car if you want me to go grab it?” Dean offered to which I nodded gratefully. He nodded his head and Sam push himself out of the booth to let his brother out and then immediately was back in his seat. He stared at me for a moment quizzically.

“So, what happened?” Same questioned knowingly. I stared at him for what felt like a century before groaning and pulling my hands down my face.

“Dude you don’t need to hear my sob story.” I muttered. Sam just kept staring in the way that I remembered from high school. Finally I rolled my eyes in exasperation and relayed the mortifying story to him. Same never once interrupted or made any judgemental expressions which I truly appreciated.

“So what are you going to do now?” He asked once I was finished.

“No clue. I guess just keep trying to reach my parents and then go from there?” I shrugged.

Dean was suddenly back with a charger in hand which I graciously accepted and plugged into the socket under the table. Over the next hour Sam and I caught up with each other, all the while Dean seemed perfectly content to just listen, occasionally interjecting on a story or two. I noticed that my phone was finally charged up to a decent amount and excused myself to step outside and call my parents.

The cool breeze felt nice and calmed my still existent nerves a bit as I lit a cigarette and dialled my moms cell phone number. No answer. Then it was my dads phone. No answer. House phone. No answer. They knew that I was coming home that day so my nerves only increased in wondering where the hell they were. I finished the cigarette and before heading back into the diner where the Winchester brothers still sat, only this time in deep conversation with each other. I slid back into my side of the booth and that seemed to snap them out of their conversation.

“Any luck?” Sam asked with a hopeful expression.

“No, unfortunately not. It’s a bit worrisome honestly.” I replied trying not to show how anxious I actually was about it all.

“Well,” Sam started earning a glare from Dean, “were staying in a motel not far from here so if you need a place to crash you’re more than welcome.”

I glanced back and forth between the two. Sam had a pleasant smile across his face which I could tell was genuine but Dean looked like he’d sucked on an exceptionally sour lemon but was trying to grin and bare it. I didn’t want to intrude at all, but really, what were my options at this point?

“Yeah, okay, that’s really sweet of you guys. Thanks.” I mustered up the best smile that I could and we all stood to exit the diner.

As we walked up to the shiny black Impala that I remember Sam being dropped off to school in I shivered a bit in nerves.

This journey seemed to be taking an even bigger turn that I initially expected.

[youspoketome]

My Favorite Albums of 2018

I tried something new this year. All year long, every time I bought a new album I added it to a note on my phone as a list so that I could adjust the order as needed. Some things settled into their order quickly, but a couple spots went down to the wire. Embarrassingly, I was just looking at my 2015 list and six albums on that list were the previous albums by six of the bands on this list, and one was a solo album by the singer of a seventh band listed here. I'm not quite sure what that means in the grand scheme of things. And that seems like a long enough introduction, so here we go!

Murder By Death - THE OTHER SHORE

Honestly, I thought Murder By Death was finished having albums on top of my best of lists. I had been so disappointed in GOOD MORNING, MAGPIE. That album had like two good songs, but the rest was at best forgettable filler and at worst sounded like a parody of themselves. The two albums since then had definitely been better, but still not at the levels of their earlier albums. Enter THE OTHER SHORE: an incredible return to the long form concept album following a story of love and dying planets in a western in space. It's full of catchy hooks without ever being clichè, small character moments and big, world-ending finishes. Best of all, it's got ripping 2-minute long cello solos. This is peak Murder By Death right here.

mewithoutYou - [UNTITLED]

mewithoutYou is another band I've loved for years, but thought was coming off of a weaker album. I enjoyed PALE HORSES (it made my top ten list the year it came out), but it didn't have anything that really grabbed me and made it a necessary part of the mwY canon. [UNTITLED] immediately feels important. It's not the most easily accessable album, but when have mewithoutYou ever been accessable? This is an album that has layers that you can appreciate as you dig down to them on further listens. Over the years mwY's sound has evolved from the heavier hollerin' of [A->B] LIFE and CATCH FOR US THE FOXES to the completely clean and folky IT'S ALL CRAZY... and back again. [UNTITLED] really blends things together by taking the heaviness from early albums and adding them in for flavor rather than building the songs around them, giving the songs depth and intensity. For my money, it's their best album since BROTHER, SISTER. Still waiting on that album/EP collector's edition to ship though, so no pictures.

Gregory Alan Isakov - EVENING MACHINES

I've enjoyed Gregory Alan Isakov's previous albums of folky songs fit for sitting on the front porch at your farm while reading an old book, but whenever I'd see him live my favorite song was always the non-album track "Liars" and I'd always wish he'd record it. That song seemed darker than anything else he'd written and had this slow build to an epic climax that almost gave you chills. He finally did record it on his studio album with the Colorado Symphony in 2016 and then he followed that up with his most eclectic album yet. From the soft and haunting opener "Berth," all the way to the end, EVENING MACHINES expands on what Isakov is willing to do, keeping that same welcoming, mellow feel, but getting there in new ways and with new instruments. "Caves" captures that darkness "Liars" had in a way that is wholly satisfying to me. It feels like he wrote the album I didn't even realize I had been wanting him to write all along.

Emery - EVE

I've always enjoyed Emery, but it wasn't until their last album YOU WERE NEVER ALONE when they broke the album down song by song on a behind the scenes podcast that I fully appreciated them as musicians. Unlike a lot of bands that came out at the same time in the same genre, Emery is a band with multiple members who have actually studied how music works and can point out and name every single time signature and key change in every song. Now with EVE, I've been able to listen to the little details, noticing and appreciating the attention they give to every little part of each song. The way they don't add the screamed vocal at this part of the song because that seems to obvious, so they save it for when it'll be more striking. How they add the harmonies and layer the vocals. Some bands with that kind of background forget how to write a catchy song or what makes a song enjoyable to listen to, but Emery has this ability to perfectly blend this crazy musicianship with honest, straight from the gut songwriting. The end result is an album full of fantastic songs with awesome little parts and details that make it special and stand out.

Thrice - PALMS

For me (and a lot of people, I think) Thrice and Thursday have always been kind of linked. I discovered them at the same time, both on their second albums. They were post-hardcore bands, similar enough sounding to compare to each other and they both started experimenting with their sound on their fourth albums. Then they both announced they were breaking up within a day of each other. The weird thing is when I first discovered them, I preferred Thursday hands down. Then they both released their third albums and cemented my opinions of them, so much so that I decided not to buy Thrice's fourth album when it came out. Man, that was a huge mistake. That fourth album, VHEISSU was the album when Thrice hit their stride, expanding and exploring their sound with each release since then. Each of their post-reunion albums have continued this trend and PALMS might be their best full album yet.

Frank Turner - BE MORE KIND

To be honest, I'm surprised this album is this far down. If you had me rank my expected best albums of the year list at the beginning of the year, Frank Turner with have been number one with a bullet. But BE MORE KIND was not the album I was expecting, and I was a little let down by it. That I'm saying that my number 6 album of the year was a bit of a let down should tell you how highly I think of Frank Turner. It starts off strong with the mellow opener of "Don't Worry" followed by a full on banger in "1933." But the third track "Little Changes" just didn't hit for me. It seemed like Frank Turner dumbed down for the masses. And it's not that it's too poppy; I enjoy myself a good pop song. It's just that the songwriting seems so simple. There are a number of really good songs throughout the rest of the album (like "Blackout"), but the overarching feel for me is that it's too simplistic, there's no depth to any of the songwriting. All that said, it's hard to rag too much on it because how can you bash an album that's sole message is to be kind and positive and to treat other people decently? Maybe it's that message that made him lose his teeth. In summation, I like Frank Turner a lot, even when he's disappointing me.

Smoking Popes - INTO THE AGONY

INTO THE AGONY is the Smoking Popes first album in seven years. They were putting out albums more frequently than that while they were broken up! After being broken up from 1999-2005, the Popes returned with STAY DOWN, which was not the strongest album to come back on. It was mostly a downer and ended up being completely forgettable for me. This time, upon returning from a seven year album cycle with new album they've knocked it out of the park. It's upbeat and catchy, it's slow and meaningful, it features Josh Caterer's soaring vocals, and it's another fantastic entry into the catalog.

Death Cab For Cutie - THANK YOU FOR TODAY

I think Death Cab's existence as a band is better broken up into stages. You've got the pre-TRANSATLANTICISM era, the TRANS/PLANS era, NARROW/CODES, and now KINTSUGI/THANK YOU. TRANS/PLANS is my favorite era. It's where I discovered Death Cab, it's where I spend the most time with them, it's just the best. But after a bit of a dip there for a couple albums (not saying they were bad, it was just a dip), I felt like KINTSUGI was a step back up, and now THANK YOU FOR TODAY continues in the same vein. It's a more electronic/synthy sound than previous eras, which sets it apart from their highest peaks, so you're not just constantly comparing it to something they'll probably never reattain. I really enjoy where this era is taking them.

Alkaline Trio - IS THIS THING CURSED?

This past summer I decided to give Alkaline Trio's AGONY & IRONY a listen for the first time in I don't know how long. Everyone agrees Alkaline Trio used to be good and then got less good, and I agree, but that specific album was for me the low point, mostly because of "Love Love Kiss Kiss." But then this weird thing happened: I really enjoyed it. Even that song, which is still doofy, wasn't as bad as I remembered. I was so bummed out about it at the time, but that album has some really good songs on it. Even at their lowest point, I still really like Alkaline Trio. IS THIS THING CURSED? is a new Alkaline Trio album. It's got Matt songs, it's got Dan songs, it's got one Dan song that kind of too doofy (Little Help?), it strangely has multiple song titles that end in question marks, and it has an acoustic closer featuring Matt's scratchy-voiced wailing. This is another solid Alkaline Trio album.

The Decemberists - I'LL BE YOUR GIRL

Every year at the same time, all of the baseball websites post their top prospects lists, where they rank the upcoming minor league players in all of baseball or on each team individually, so people can get excited about the next wave of baseball All-Stars. In almost all of these lists you've got your top five or six guys who are clearly the best players in that team's minor league system in that order, but then at about number seven they kind of become interchangeable for a while. You could switch prospect #8 with #12 and no one would cause too much of a ruckus because they're all pretty similar at that point. We've reached that point in my best albums list (really, we reached that point with Alkaline Trio). These final couple spots could have also gone to 6666 by Four Fists, 9 by Saves The Day, KIDS SEE GHOSTS, or if I was in the right mood, even the new MXPX or the Matthew Thiessen solo album. What pushed I'LL BE YOUR GIRL across the line was (a) my wife's incredulousness at my mentioning it might not make the cut and (b) the fact that "Once In My Life" and "Everything Is Awful" have full-on been our anthem songs this past month. This is the Decemberists doing what they do. Folky songs about sea monsters, horse gallop rhythms, and cowboy sing-alongs. Throw in some synth lines to keep things fresh and baby, you've got a stew going.