#this scene is hell on earth to colour it's literally impossible

[sophsun1]

Queer as Folk – 3.09: Big Fucking Mouth

[gumnut-logic]

Callisto (Part Six - Rescue Site)

Prologue 1. Incident - Bit 1 | Bit 2 2. Fallout - Bit 1 | Bit 2 | Bit 3 3. Voyage - Bit 1 | Bit 2 | Bit 3 4. Arrival - Bit 1 | Bit 2 5. Orientation 6. Rescue Site

This fic seems to be taking forever, but I hope it isn’t reading that way. I had so much fun over the weekend and I still have some fun ahead of me writing one of the core scenes I had planned. I hope you are enjoying reading this.

As always, many thanks to the amazing @tsarinatorment​ @scribbles97​ @janetm74​ and @vegetacide​ as well for all the read throughs and support. Wonderful science officer @onereyofstarlight​ this bit has one of the places we talked about extensively and wouldn’t exist without your help :D

Again, thank you to all the wonderful peeps who have been reading along and commenting despite the once a week posting schedule. You help keep my enthusiasm alive and you have no idea how much I appreciate every word of encouragement ::hugs you all::

Have a Tracy boy or two on the job :D

-o-o-o-

Scott rolled his shoulders and tried to stretch out the tension that was slowly giving him a headache.

At least now they were moving. This rescue felt like it was taking forever.

Hell, it was the same with most space recues, if even more with this one. The distances involved just went on and on and no matter how fast the Thunderbird, it was slow.

It rankled Scott just a little. The fact that the environment could not be influenced by his impatience.

And Dad…

He shunted the thought aside. Perhaps that was why he scorned the time needed. It gave him far too much time to think.

The tunnel stretched out before him as it had for some time now. The life signs were nearly seven hundred kilometres away from Callisto Base. Usually, this was not a problem. There wasn’t a Thunderbird that couldn’t cover that distance in a short period of time. Even Four could do it at velocities no other underwater craft had ever managed.

But this location was at least two kilometres underground, and while the molepod was always an option, Virgil had vetoed it with the option of travelling via dragonfly through the tunnels. Scott had to agree. They needed far more information before barrelling into an unknown situation, not to mention the difficulties of deploying the molepod in these conditions.

But by this point he was almost ready to jump out and blast a hole in the damned moon to get where they needed to go.

Time. So much damned time.

Too much to think.

His hands shifted on the Dragonfly’s controls spinning her into a dive as the tunnel dipped suddenly. The brilliance of the pod’s forward lights lit up the never-ending cave as clear as daylight.

It sparkled back at him in sharp, stabbing needle-like reflections off the walls that did nothing to improve his headache. He had already set his helmet to shade to protect himself. It was ridiculous to be needing sunglasses this far underground.

Behind him, Virgil was following him at a short distance in Dragonfly Two, his lights just bright enough to light up the red of Scott’s pod.

For some irrational reason Scott wanted his pod to be blue.

The blue of the sky he was currently missing.

He sighed.

Again, too much time to think.

“Another five hundred metres.” Alan’s voice from behind him was the reassurance it always was. Why he felt comforted when his littlest brother was nearby and within reach was something he did not want to examine too much.

A twist of his wrists as the tunnel backed around on itself in a hairpin of a turn and he had to dodge another nest of those weird deformed ice stalactite formations sticking out into their path. “What are we looking at?”

“Looks like another cavern. A big one.”

They had flown through several of those enormous caverns on the way out here already. They acted like junctions, some having multiple tunnels converging on them, every single one a home for more ice formations and that damned reflective rock. It had taken John to get them out of the last one. This place was a damned maze.

Virgil had fortunately come prepared, as always. He was leaving a trail of comms-support beacons behind them as a clear path to return to Callisto Base.

Scott fought the urge to duck as the tunnel suddenly shrunk by several metres and took another swerving turn. Scott spun the pod over one-eighty degrees on her longitudinal axis as her wings nearly scraped the ceiling.

Righting them finally, he couldn’t help but check his monitor to make sure Virgil took the turn safely.

He almost smiled as the green pod behind them flipped in a manoeuvre that no doubt had Gordon yelping in the back seat. He couldn’t help but be proud for just a self-indulgent moment.

But his attention was torn away as his pod suddenly shot into a large open space and the light reflecting off the walls suddenly blinded him.

Alan’s gasp behind him only echoed his own.

Their forward lights were being shot at them in blinding brilliance off the ceiling of the new cave.

That brightness only increased as Virgil’s pod spun into a hover beside them.

Oh god.

Whatever had been in the walls of the tunnels was obviously concentrated here.

He redirected the lamps away from the ceiling only to have the brilliance follow them all the way down the closest wall until he was able to turn the pod towards the most distant wall.

Crystal.

There was crystal everywhere.

The cave walls were covered in spikes of the stuff as it they were inside a giant geode. He had to acknowledge that it was stunningly amazing when it wasn’t ripping his eyeballs out.

But that wasn’t what took his breath away.

As their lamps lowered, they caught the edges of something else.

He turned the lights down towards the floor only to discover he couldn’t see it.

Because it was covered in water.

Fluid, liquid water, the dragonflies causing the faintest of ripples to dance across its surface.

A lake.

Scott’s jaw dropped as he tipped the pod to peer down into the dark water only to have more crystal attempt to stab him in the eye from the depths.

“What the hell?”

Water wasn’t supposed to be able to exist in this environment. He poked at his scanners. Atmospheric levels were the same, ever so thin, providing little to no air pressure or heat to keep the water in this state.

“John? What am I seeing?”

Thunderbird Five did not answer immediately, but the data transmission rate on comms doubled as his space brother reached his fingers into the cave through the pod’s sensors.

“Impossible.”

“That was my thought. Virgil?”

“It’s beautiful.”

Scott’s lips thinned. “Scientific explanation? Gordon?”

“You got me here, bro. But I’m more concerned about those lifesigns.”

Scott frowned and double checked his readout. The two dots registered, glowing strongly at him.

From under the water.

-o-o-o-

Virgil frowned as Scott spun his dragonfly around and returned to the entrance of the cavern. His forward lights lit up only what could be considered a beach where the original tunnel swooped in and connected with the crystal cave. At the base there was only a few scattered crystal formations and Virgil watched as his brother expertly put down without touching a single one.

“Are we going to take a look at the lake?”

Typical. Nearby water body and his fish brother wanted in it.

But Virgil needed more reconnaissance.

And if he was honest with himself, there was just a dash of sightseeing involved. Not much, because of the urgency of the mission, but enough curiosity to send him off on a scout around the cavern.

Crystals that had to be the length of an arm or a leg stuck out from the walls in haphazard directions. Most reflected back clear, but in streaks, as if seeping up a localised mineral, there were ribbons of colour in places – reds, greys, golds, pinks. His scanners spat back that it was simply quartz, silicon dioxide, but he had never seen a formation like this.

Which was understandable as this was an alien landscape with vastly different environs to those of Earth. The artist in him was literally stunned, while the scientist valiantly fought for a reason.

He swooped around the edges of the cavern, his lamps lighting up brilliance as he went. The cave proved to be roughly circular, approximately four hundred metres in diameter and about a hundred metres high. He came across two more tunnels leading off it, but all were as dry as the one they had used to enter the cave. Towards the centre, but not quite, the ceiling arched down and what appeared to be a stalactite met a stalagmite to form a column of swirling crystal that looked like something straight out of an art glass exhibition. The ribbons of colour were here too, but this time mostly in a rose pink and a startling blue.

Virgil didn’t have words.

The light playing among the crystals just touched every artistic sense he had and froze them solid.

But there was a mission and those two glowing red dots glared at him from beneath the surface of the lake.

He ran scans of the water. For it was water, mostly, though, certainly not any he would want to drink.

For one thing it was salty, a definite brine solution with a number of minerals including silica in concentrations that defied as much logic as the water’s existence did in the first place.

The difficulty was that the lifesigns weren’t clear. They were in the water, but resolution faded at a very shallow depth and there was a lot of deep depth in places.

“John, can you get any more resolution on these scans? I can’t pinpoint the lifesigns.”

There was a muttered curse on comms that had Virgil arching an eyebrow. “No, I’m sorry, Virgil. Interference is particularly strong in that cavern. We’re working on it, but I don’t have any great hopes.”

“What about a probe? Would that improve the signal?” Virgil blinked as his headache suddenly flared. Ow. Damn. The controls in front of him blurred a moment. Shit!

But then everything righted itself, just leaving an echo of the pain in his head as the headache droned on as it had before.

Maybe his painkillers were wearing off. A glance at the time proved that was far from the case.

He dreaded to think what that would have felt like without them.

“Virg?”

“What?!” Okay, so he was abrupt, but he was busy.

“Hey, hey, calm down. You didn’t answer John. Just checking on you.”

“Virgil, you there?” John’s voice dripped concern.

Shit.

“Sorry. Just got a headache. Need some sleep.”

“I feel you, bro. Want me to pilot?”

“No. No. I’m fine.” He swallowed bile and mentally shook himself. “John, you were saying?”

He could feel Gordon’s eyes on the back of his neck.

“Probe deployed. Target is Burr Crater, which you are directly under at the moment.”

Virgil’s display reported the probe entering Callisto’s atmosphere. He hoped it would give them enough information to act.

Time was ticking.

He spun the pod around and tried to ignore the rainbow of light that was his forward lamps. The flicker, while beautiful, was doing nothing good for his headache at all.

“You sure you’re okay, Virg?”

He pressed his lips together and considered ignoring the question from Gordon. But he knew if he did, his brother would only worry more.

It was a Tracy trait.

“Let’s just get this mission done. We have people who need saving.”

Gordon’s grunt wasn’t a happy one and the chances of Scott being called in on his headache were increasing by the moment.

“I’m fine, Gordon.” He cut the conversation off by dropping the pod rapidly towards the beach where Scott had climbed out and was walking to the water’s edge. Another spin mid-air and Virgil lowered into a rather delicate landing, keeping the pod’s feet away from the crystal formations sticking out of the rock.

Virgil swallowed again before climbing out of the pod. His boots hit solid but glittering rock, damp in the darkness.

Scott and Alan were standing at the water’s edge staring out at the spectacle that the pod lights lit up.

Gordon clambered out behind Virgil and together they both walked over to stand beside their brothers.

“This is so cool!” Alan was obviously excited.

He said it on external comms and the sound travelled across the cavern only to bounce back in so many perfect ‘ool’s Virgil’s eyes widened.

On the spur of that, as the ‘ool’s slowly faded away, he activated his own external comm and sung a single pure C note.

It came back at him from so many different directions it was like a chorus.

“Oh, wow.”

‘Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow…’ It went on, the faint atmosphere sporting just enough density to carry the sound waves.

“That is something, isn’t it?” Scott’s voice was quiet. “The dragonflies made one hell of a racket. We’re going to have to be careful. Wouldn’t want to set up a harmonic that could bring the roof down on us.”

Virgil was still processing. The thought of playing his piano in this cave was just mind boggling.

“Dad says the Base scientists are having some kind of scientific fit over this place.” A grunt. “I’m more concerned about those two lifesigns.” He paused. “John, any luck with the probe?”

“Unfortunately, no. The interference is just too thick. I can read the water, but very little in it or below it. I’ll keep trying.”

Scott sighed. “Keep us updated. Looks like this will have to be more hands on.” He turned to Gordon. “We need Thunderbird Four.”

-o-o-o-

Next

[border-spam]

Does troy really have a split jaw or is that fanon?

It's total fanon!

The design of the split lines across his cheekbones and chin coupled with the cheek clips and v shaped hinge outline next to his ears lead to a lot of people coming to that same outcome, that there is something up with his mouth from a prosthetic/mod standpoint.

So much of his design is never mentioned once or referenced in any way (hightech spinal rig with tattoos under it, neuro connector, mech arm that's much older and doesn't seem related to the spine and neuroport, implants on bicep, face mod etc) that like Tyreen's scars and possible lower body Siren markings, fandom took over when it came to coming up with logical explanations for 'em.

This actually touches ground with some Ao3 comments I wanted to share as they are all Leech Lord compliant, so I'll list them here alongside links to the fics they were related to (note warnings!)

You leave no avenue for characterization unexplored. Troy's facial prostheses finally receiving backstory is amazing

- Maw (Gore/Bodyhorror)

I LOVE the idea of it being not just decorative shit on his face, but my MO for any content I make is always based around asking why, over and over, and trying to make sense of what material I'm using in the first place. The modded mouth is a popular piece of fanon but you know... why? Why would he do that shit to himself. WHY would he want to be grotesque, why would he be chasing the reaction people would have to it when canonically he seems to really not be interested in fan attention the same way Tyreen is, what's the difference to him between being adored as his persona or being lusted after as a monster, etc. I just love deep-diving into the logic behind character and world building? It's what adds meat to the bone for me.

Big 'ol character and worldbuilding / lore responses list under the cut -

He could afford better robots but these ones UNDERSTAND Ty, don't you get it?

- Good night in (tooth rotting fluff)

Hey just because it's mangled and broken, and can't perform its intended function to a degree expected of it by everyone around it... and it's got rusty sharp bits it accidentally hurts you with sometimes... and it's cranky but it doesn't mean it... and sometimes it errors out in a way that's mildly disturbing in a way you can't place.. uh.. doesn't mean you should just GIVE UP ON IT you know? He can fix them :) They will be fine :) No one should just throw away something that's trying so hard just because it's damaged... haha... :')

It's so hard seeing how much they tear each other down when they're the only thing they have left. And what a poor self-image Tyreen has beyond all that glitter and bluster...

- Wolf in sheep's clothing

The twins function well enough as a unit till tensions rise, and I was trying to seed in The Leech's influence on them in earlier work like this too - towards anyone else Ty would become MORE aggressively confident, more assured in her complete and utter dominance of the situation, her flawlessness, but against Troy who see's her for what she is, it turns inwards and eats at her instead of lashing outwards. He switches from relatively submissive around her to almost surgical levels of dissection, he knows exactly how to go for the jugular with words, and doesn't hold back. She's The Leech's mouth but he's its eyes and it's only when they lose control emotionally enough for it to claw to the surface of their psyches that you get an idea of how much it really affects them individually. GB had an absolute goldmine on their hands here of cosmic/body horror and the concept of toxic family when all you have is each other, there's so much to work with, and I figure it's a factor in why some people still really enjoy messing around with Calypso content.

I like how you allow Troy to be a disabled character, how his congenital defects and prosthetics colour his outlook and appear in ways big and small in all these vignettes. It's easy, I think, to see him as largely untroubled by his health apart from when he needs a charge from Tyreen in the game, but you allow him to struggle with his weakness.

- Chronic (Drug use)

I'm really glad to hear that's coming through in the writing because it's something I noticed a lot too. Very often when Troy, or other characters canonically disabled / chronically unwell are written it's "told" and not "shown". Chronic pain, illness, it's not something that is just a little tickbox in a life or some descriptive terms added to a character synopsis, it's something you live and deal with. There are bad days. There are times it is a negative that has to be worked around or faced in ways that aren't pleasant. It doesn't make you lesser or weak to have times where illness does leave you unable to function to a level you want to, it's not a failure for you to be unable to perform tasks when a disability or flair up means it's not viable. I feel personally that by showing scenes like this where his health and body issues do have a very visceral and impossible to ignore the effect on his ability to function, and going through his mental processes of dealing with and managing them, it brings the character across as stronger than if he never seemed to be shown dealing with symptoms or weaknesses. People are more than their disabilities and conditions, those aren't just kinda taglines to add onto a character's description and then never address. I feel like doing that in a way undermines what people deal with who manage chronic illness, pain, and who have disabilities that affect their daily lives negatively. Appreciating the effort it takes to manage them is important.

What I really like about these is that you can really understand as a reader how their dynamic must have evolved. How even before Leda's death Tyreen would have felt demonized while Troy got the attention because of his condition, because he was less willful.

- Starlight, Moonbright

Ah man, absolutely - and that shit stayed with them. It wasn't his fault and he never wanted it, but of course their parents would have had their extremely ill child at the forefront of their thoughts, especially during weeks when he was.. bad. Tyreen by nature even without The Leech's influence is a little attention seeker, she'd be the life of any party and she BLOSSOMS if she's got the spotlight, but as a little kid who's got literally no one but her parents and her brother, and who all three of which can't give her nearly as much time as she deserved? That's rough. That's really unfair. That coupled with The Leech's warping effect on their egos as they grew up and the bitterness and resentment they harbored in different ways created a reverse dynamic. She'd never be out of the Galaxy's attention again, and he'd have no choice but to take his rightful place in her shadow.

I love how you illustrate both how much more, and yet how much less Troy is now. How the blameless child, full of potential, is inextricably linked to the brutal, larger-than-life avatar he fashions.

- DeLeon ( Graphic Violence / Gore / Hallucinations)

He's molded the monster he is now out of the bones of the man he should have been - there's no going back really. There's nothing left to go back to. He broke Troy DeLeon apart to build the persona that acts like an iron lung now, suffocating him breath by breath while forcing him to still take them. That life is over, he killed it before it had a chance, but the idea of it is still there in his subconscious. Somewhere in the absolute trainwreck of Troy's brain is the tiny, flickering belief that maaaaaybe one day this will all be over and he can shuck off the bracer and spines, peel off all the shit he's covered his skin with, and just go back to not being Calypso. DeLeon here isn't some aspect of his mental state or his sins haunting him - it's The Leech, spitting venom at a host it loathes in something that's not sound or comprehensible language. His subconscious has just translated it into something it can understand - his greatest regret.

On if Borderlands Humans originated on Earth -

There's a really tenuous link between BL verse and rEarth, but it's there and can't be ignored. The cultures, accents, terminologies, so many are Earth specific despite these people being spread across galaxies, so hell yes - Earth as an emergence point makes total sense. The next question then, is why is it never mentioned - and you can cover for that with a lot of things like say, tt was so long ago that it's not relevant to anything that would ever be discussed, or it could be a mass evacuation from a catastrophe there is little record of now. I like to go with something along those lines, that the first human Siren host emergence on earth just absolutely decimated the planet. Like, we were doing fine till this random woman somewhere in the ass-end of nowhere develops weird markings overnight, then goes apocalyptic. The first Leech maybe, not understanding her powers and having them rip across continents in a spread of crackling electric death that only left husked shells of plants and animals in its wake, or the first Firehawk who went nuclear and burned the sky, or the first Voidgrasp who lost control and began to collapse the planet's core - some extreme shit that had humans fleeing en masse with barely any preparation and HUGE swathes of history and knowledge left behind. That would cover so many social things surviving into the BL verse, cultures, accents, cooking, that shit comes with us regardless of what we were able to throw into escape ships. Like so much data would be stored on any tech and data arrays within the vessels people would use to leave a dying planet even in an insane rush, but that shit waters down over time - if you're farming barely edible plants on some planet that smells like farts, are you really gonna be that stressed about teaching your kids history from a lost planet when your current concerns are not being eaten by something with 19 legs and 4 buttholes? Don't think so.

On if the other Siren entities are as influential to their hosts as The Leech -

I touch on it a wee bit throughout LL, but the others are FAR more passive and meld more to their host's whims. The Firehawk Siren wouldn't.. like.. care? If the host was burning down a planet or fighting off an evil corporation? They are removed from any nonsense happening on this side, they might not even really be able to tell, it's like asking an amoeba or a collection of sentient atomic particles what its opinion is on Brexit. That's not really its priority. The Leech is so aggressive in its control of the twins and desperation to drive them towards an outcome it desires only cause it's split, broken, removed from the song, and completely lost. We're talking a caged, half-mad animal removed from its natural environment and left totally isolated from its own kind for millennia. It's in pain, it's confused, it wants to find its way back to the song and the others and where it belongs, but it's stopped by a barrier it can't comprehend ( the twins and being ripped between them), so in its impotent rage it feeds back that hatred onto them. It's not really sentient in the way we would describe functional intelligence, but it wants, and craves, and FEELS. And it feels very, very angry.

Big thanks to @undergoingcalibrations for talking through so much of this with me!

Asks are Open!

[anika-ann]

WINSoD - Epilogue

We’re Tied Together (Always and Forever)

Type: series, soulmate AU series ��(part 1, part 2, part 3)  

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader  Word count: 3750

Summary: In which you reach the end of the line. Is it though? The end?

Warnings: battle with Thanos no.2, blood and violence, character death, religious motives, mention of afterlife, language

A/N:  Do you ever look at your fic and are like… you know this was supposed to be a cheesy one-shot, right? Soulmate meet-cute one-shot to be precise. Well. That work out splendidly... Anyway, here – the epilogue! Enjoy! Oh, and prepare tissues :-*

Part 6

༻༺༻༺༻ღ༺༻༺༻༺

Waking up in a comfy bed was surreal; mostly because you knew that after falling – or half-jumping – from a cliff, this wasn’t what was usually happening. You didn’t have much experience, but you still had some common sense left.

Right?

Why did nothing hurt?

“Hello, Little One,” a voice greeted you, startling you enough to roll over and fall from the bed – only to land back in the cushions, confusing the Hell out of you – or perhaps you should have thought Heaven.

Because this was positively Castiel‘s voice. Castiel as an angel. Angels, as far as you were concerned, belonged to Heaven.

Was it possible that… that- this was--?

“Yes, you’re in Heaven… again,” he hummed nonchalantly as if it was perfectly common to just die twice and he seated himself on the edge of your bed.

“I killed myself,” you blurted out the first thing that came to your mind, instantly slapping your palm over your mouth. It sounded terrible, hearing yourself say it out loud, just throw it out in the open as if it was not a big deal.

Which in fact, it was. Since when suicidal people went to Heaven? You never had been good with the whole faith thing, but this sounded a bit sketchy.

“To save half of the Universe,” Castiel questioned, frowning. “Or would you say your soulmate belonged to hell after had once forced the plane down, expecting to die in exchange of saving millions?”

Silently admitting he had a point, you let the issue alone for the moment. Instead, you blinked, taking his appearance in. He was wearing his typical trench-coat, making him look like an accountant, dorky for a celestial being. He fitted in here though – bright room, white sheets, no windows…

“You’ll get a better room soon, less prison-like,” he explained as if he could hear your thoughts. Which he as well might, because he was an angel, you were in freaking Heaven, again, which what the Hell, if you had been before, how could you not remember that-- and everything was so confusing and… lonely. “But I thought you’d like to see your soulmate first.”

Your heart stopped. Later, you would question why did you still have a fucking heartbeat, or why did it feel like it, but did he just say-

“What the Hell is Steve doing here?!” you shrieked in horror and Castiel sighed, possibly at your swearing, but you didn’t give a fuck. What was Steve-

“He’s not here. But a battle with Thanos occurred and I thought you might like to see.”

You ran your hand down your face tiredly, relieved beyond words. Steve was alive, still on Earth – probably.

Christ. Castiel sure didn’t know how to talk to a girl who had a superhero for husband. Or he in fact did, since he was willing to show you.

It took one single snap of Castiel’s fingers and a scene of horror – fire, ash and blood – unfolded in front of you. There was nothing but smother from the debris where the compound had used to be, the Titan with an enormous space ship probably the one to blame.

And barely three defenders of Earth stood against him and his endless rows of army, thousands of monsters ready to take the half of population one by one, just waiting to be released from the ship.

Where were the others? And… Thanos! They killed him! What-

“How-“

“The Avengers gathered all the Stones. Hulk snapped this time, bringing everyone who had died in the original Snap back. Unfortunately, a spy infiltrated the team and led Thanos from the past to the present,” Castiel explained patiently, but you were anything but patient, suddenly angry as gnawing fear bit into your stomach.

“Then why are you here?! There’s… there’s Tony, Thor and Steve, three people—sorta people – facing a fucking ARMY FROM SPACE!” you yelled at the angel, a being powerful enough to drag your ass from Heaven – which you didn’t care for in the slightest.

How could he just... sit here with you?!

“We cannot interfere-“

“The fuck did you just say?!” you spitted out, rising to your feet. “Aren’t angels supposed to be guardians? You-“ you continued your verbal assault in attempt to get him moving, only to freeze when a blinding lightning hit Thor’s hammers (plural?!) and the infamous trio threw themselves into the battle.

You barely had few seconds to feast your eyes on Steve in one piece; he was glorious, standing straight with his chin up, jaw clenched in determination and all you could think of was how strong he was, carrying on with the mission.

You knew it wasn’t that he didn’t miss you, that he didn’t grieve you; he was simply the bravest person you had ever met, just like you had told him before--- ugh, before you had died.

If you only weren’t so terrified for him.

Where was everyone? If the Snap worked and people had been brought back, where was the whole bunch of warriors from Wakanda? The rest of the Avengers’ crew?

Breathless, your heart pounding in both your ribcage and temples, you watched as Thanos tossed the three figures around, almost as if he was playing with them despite their best efforts.

“Get up, Stevie. God, please, get up, get up, be okay,” you whispered urgently with your throat swollen at one particular blow that had your soulmate landing on his back and lying down with his breath knocked out of his chest, his eyes closed in what could only be agony.

With horror, you saw his body turn almost limp, your nails digging into your palms.

GET. UP. Don’t you dare to stay down and get yourself killed!

He clenched his jaw, glint of something that twisted your insides in genuine fear in his eyes. This wasn’t determination anymore. This was madness. He pushed himself on his feet and you couldn’t quite make yourself to feel relieved despite him fulfilling your earlier silent wish.

Determined Steve was a great Steve. Mad Steve? Mad Steve did crazy-ass decisions that could cost him his life. You had that in common.

Your jaw slowly went slack when your very husband grabbed Thor’s Mjölnir as if it was not a mythical weapon from the legends only Thor could lift and… banged up the Titan as if he had been fighting with it his whole life.

Incredulous chuckle escaped your lips when a flash of lightning connected with the hammer as Steve… charged it, only to aim its power at Thanos.

“I told him he could lift it,” you murmured despite yourself, letting yourself to feel a tinniest bit of hope and pride.

There was only three of them now, but surely the people who had been dusted were on their way. Steve, Thor and Tony just had to keep the Titan occupied-

Then the army stood, exiting the ship in a deadly march, no, in a deadly race and Steve got himself into trouble.

You grinded your teeth, unable to look away, but present enough to be pissed as Hell at Heaven and its angels and let them know.

“Do something! He’s gonna-“

A circle of amber-coloured sparkles appeared on Steve’s left and you could cry, recognizing Strange’s handiwork. The back-up was there. The army. The King of Wakanda with his badass sister. Sam. Bucky. Strange, Peter, the Maximoffs. Carol Danvers flying through the alien spaceship as if it was made of cotton candy. Even Natasha emerged from the debris with Clint and the others, causing you to breathe out in relief.

Now the true fight would start.

You weren’t calm by any means. But you were hopeful. Just glancing at the briefest encounter of Natasha with Sam was sweet enough to bring tears in your eyes.

“Kick their asses,” you whispered encouragingly, swallowing thickly and actually praying.

It was nearly impossible to follow the battle then; too many fronts, too many people, half-people and alien creatures. You saw the gauntlet they were trying to protect, you kept your eye on Steve, finding Thanos and his momentary enemies when you had the capacity to do so.

You honestly couldn’t tell how the fight was going, if it was in your favour or not, there was so much blood and smoke and noise… and then something caught your attention with painful clarity.

Several things happened at once; Carol, literally glued to Thanos, who had somehow got a hold of the gauntlet with all of the stones in it (oh God, oh my God, this couldn’t happen again-), was thrown away as if she was nothing but an annoying fly, Tony registered a part of his armour having been ripped away – his hand-piece – and found it with his gaze at Steve’s feet as Stephen Strange raised one shaky finger towards Tony, who suddenly had an expression of utter defeat on his face.

Your slow, terror-struck mind didn’t do the math when Steve jumped on Thanos’ arm, forcing his fingers away so he couldn’t snap his fingers. Something red and flashy glimmered in the mess of limbs, but you didn’t pay enough attention to make the connection. Peter, Spider-man, managed to web the gauntlet, helping out Steve and you almost breathed out the air suffocating your lungs.

Almost.

Because the next moment, Steve was tossed away like a rag-doll, much like Carol had been.

Like in a slow motion, the infamous effect in movies to add dramatics, you saw the Titan raise his hand with a smug smirk; and you noticed, unlike him, that his gauntlet was, in fact, empty of the Stones. But-

“I am… inevitable,” he exclaimed, a dull mechanic snap following his statement.

Nothing happened, except for the huge and ugly purple head whipping towards his useless weapon in confusion.

And that was when you saw it. The glow of the stones in a red piece of armour, Ironman’s armour, that was no longer worn by its owner.

All of the puzzle pieces fell into place, clicking with a painful clack.

Strange’s gesture. Tony’s expression. Crowley’s words of one future, matching the story of the contemporary Sorcerer Supreme. And the red flash when Steve had been fighting Thanos.

“No,” you whispered breathlessly, remembering with startling clarity what Steve had told you about Thanos – the Titan, stronger than all of the Avengers together – looked like after he finished his mission. He had nearly died.  

“NO!” you repeated with more force, horror filling your very being, dimming the world around you, a violent tremble attacking your body at the glint in Steve’s eye.

It was the one that had shaken you so much before. The mad spark.

Do whatever it takes, consequences be damned.

His raspy voice broke your heart in two, tearing your soul when you realized the implication of his words:

“No. You are only dust. And to dust you shall return.”

The snap of Steve’s metal-clad fingers echoed in the room and in your head, the sound seeping into your bones as you were blinded by the streak of colours, the white swallowing the whole world for long seconds.

You were sure that this was what actual death looked like. Nothing but emptiness.

You reflected several of your last words to Steve, wanting to rip your hair out. Why had you told him such nonsense? Why would you tell him that God had wanted it this way, that you had only played your part in His grand scheme?

You finally understood the words Sam had told you so many years ago, about similar people in a relationship being a disaster in making. Steve had embraced your belief in being only a tiny wheel in the God’s great plan.

That was the meaning of the words he said. A famous line from Bible, reflecting how much he believed in God’s work at the moment.  

You are only dust. And to dust you shall return.

In the critical seconds, Steve believed he had been chosen by God to be the tool delivering Thanos his defeat.

And to very likely to pay his life as a price.

Your eyes adjusted to the once again dark scene, where the hostile army started indeed turning back to dust. You desperately searched the only figure that mattered, finding him with his back resting against a random vertical flat surface, his chest barely rising.

The sight on half of his body severely burned, multiple spots on his skin blacking as it already died, had your eyes squeezed shut, your knees giving out as the sob shook your whole body.

The scene was burned into your brain, an image carved into your eyelids, sharp and precise as if you were still watching with your eyes wide open. You whimpered, shaking your head to chase it away. Vainly.  You didn’t remember looking into his eyes, yet you saw them hollow, blue and green always so brilliant misted. Dead.

A hand landed on your shoulder and you winced, releasing another whine, sobs braking through your palm that at some point covered your mouth – whether to be silent of not to throw up, you couldn’t tell. The hand gave you a gentle squeeze that did nothing to sooth your grief.

Oh God, oh you ignorant God, why are you such a DICK?!

“Why? Why did-- it have to--- be him?!” you choked out, avoiding the post-battle sight and instead shot Castiel a glare that could murder.

Your chest hurt. They just tore your heart away, easily as that, hollow gaping space in its place and you couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t breathe and hear and see-

“I don’t know, Little One. It was as it was meant to be. You wouldn’t want to see him suffer through your loss again anyway, believe me.”

“That doesn’t make it right!” you spitted out, disgusted at such implication. As if this happened to make you feel better! You were suffering. Hurting. But most of all, you were so fucking angry. With God. With Castiel. With… with yourself. Maybe if you hadn’t told him— perhaps- oh God, oh Satan, let the pain go away… let him rest at least. “What happens to him now?”

“Watch, Little One. He’s not gone yet,” Castiel encouraged you kindly, but you couldn’t- couldn’t—what was happening? Was he trying to tell you that they might be able to save him?

The flare of hope ignited in your body died as fast as it caught fire; why would Castiel say that you wouldn’t want to Steve go through losing you again if there had been a chance to save Steve still?

Steve was about to die. If he wasn’t gone yet, then he must have been in so much pain that your own, this paralyzing feeling, must have been nothing in comparison.

Why were you forced to witness his last moments? What kind of a twisted Heaven was this?

“You fucking idiot,” Tony rushed to his friend’s side, pissed and resigned at the same time.

“We won,” Steve breathed out weakly, only one eye following the movements around him. You buried your nails in the flesh of your palm, choking on your own spit as the sob tried to fight its way out of your chest.

“Yeah, we did,” Bucky confirmed softly, kneeling to his brother; they were nothing less than that. Hesitant hand curled around Steve’s seemingly unharmed bicep and he made a lame attempt at moving his arm to return that gesture. Bucky clenched his jaw, a tear appearing in the corner of his eye. “Don’t call him an idiot, Stark. That’s my job.”

His voice broke at the end of the sentence and your heart shattered as you felt his pain as your own. You couldn’t see anymore. The image was so blurry, but now new fear controlled your body, the fact Castiel never answered you and that meant something horrible awaited Steve in death and this was in fact your last moments of seeing him and— God, oh God, who had ever dared to call you merciful?

“I’m talking to God,” Tony specified and you wordlessly thanked him. “Clearly, he’s a dick for making it this way.”

“Nah. ‘s smart. S-sam?” Steve choked out, voice barely audible and the therapist (with wings now, having returned to his previous job) was instantly by his side, his eyes glassy as well.

“Yeah, Cap?”

An attempt at shake of head was given, you assumed, but barely a motion was the result. “You Cap now. Will ya’?”

If you had any capacity for being astonished left, you would have been at the request. But you were far too gone, drowning in misery.

“…yeah. Of course. I will if that’s what you want.”

“ ’sanks.”

Thor’s enormous figure took a step closer, thunderous voice uncharacteristically quiet. “We’ll remember you, brother. Both of you.”

A faint smile appeared on Steve’s lips, only one corner capable of rising, and yet he closed both of his eyes for a long moment, clearly struggling to stay conscious.

That’s a lie, your mind whispered. Not just conscious. Struggling to stay alive. And losing!

Only one eye opening, Steve managed to cast a half-lidded glance in Bucky’s direction, flickering to Tony for a second.

His next word was crystal clear. “Home.”

Natasha sobbed into her palm, but her delicate fingers curled around Steve’s arm as well, right next to Bucky’s, giving her friend a tight-lipped pained smile.

“Yeah, Steve. It’s okay to go home. To her. Tell her we say hi, yeah?” she pleaded lowly, keeping her voice without a crack despite few tears escaping her eyes.

You stopped breathing altogether and prayed. God, please, let him find peace. With me. And if not with me, at least give him the peace he deserves, I beg you.

Clint fell to one knee, bowing his head.

At first, you didn’t realize it wasn’t just grief sucking the strength out of him. No. Bucky, Sam and Nat instantly followed, mirroring his position precisely.

They were paying their respect to a fallen comrade, you realized.

You couldn’t take it anymore as you noticed everyone else doing the same. Not when during the process Steve’s chest ceased its motions, the life leaving his body.

And your heart left with him, along with your sanity.

Nothing made sense anymore. You fucked up, God himself fucked up and Castiel, and angels and Universe and-- and it hurt. Steve had said that they had won, but you lost. You lost everything.

Your vision was clouded by both tears of sorrow and anger, your body numb from all the pain.

Castiel’s hand slid from your shoulder, finally, but instead, you were pulled into an embrace.

You wanted to push away and run and punch and curl up on the floor, but the arms around you held you too firmly, your head was buried in your captor’s chest. You wanted to fight it, refuse the lame attempt at comfort, and you breathed in furiously to brace yourself to free your body-- but the sudden familiarity, faint cologne and warmth, body large enough to engulf yours, lips in your hair…

“S-st-steve?” you choked out, disgusting gurgle sounding in your throat, but in that moment, you suddenly couldn’t bring yourself to care.

The way you said his name was more a question, but you didn’t need an answer. You would recognize him anywhere.

You husband. Your soulmate. Your Steve.

The arms around you tightened, his embrace turning nearly crushing, his chest expanding with generous inhale as his face buried in your hair further. Your lips curled up in a tight smile and you let out a hysterical laugh, sorrow and joy, pain and relief.

“You’re here,” he mumbled to your scalp, hot tears following his words and you found yourself lifted from the floor, your body nearly merging with his and you could finally breathe again, your heart fluttering in your chest. One of his arms held you securely to his form while the other fisted in the mess of your hair. “I was so afraid you wouldn’t be here.”

“Then why did you do it?” you asked him, the anger seeping through despite the delight at the encounter you could have only prayed for. He was here. “I’m so fucking mad at you.”

“So am I at you,” he opposed, but the growling of his voice was too soft for you to believe him that his rage was larger than his relief.

And so you let go of your own anger too.

This was all beyond your control. Deep inside, you knew that. You had been just playing a part; neither of you had asked for that. You surely didn’t ask to be approached by Crowley and being given the mission, while there was little Steve could do differently when the weapon had been thrown to his feet; a literal throw of the gauntlet that was impossible to ignore.

There was a large scheme of the inevitable put in motion. Who were you to challenge fate?

No point at being mad at each other. Especially when graced with this opportunity to… whatever this was.

“Truce?” you quipped hesitantly and Steve chuckled, a watery sound that made your chest ache, yet filled it with warmth that could never be replicated. For this sensation, so unique, you needed your soulmate only.

And you had him. Forever, perhaps?

Steve withdrew a fraction, his hand caressing your damp cheek as his own glistened with salty drops, but the magnitude of his love, the amount of affection written all over his face, took your breath away, making you forget all about ugly crying.

One look into his twinkling eyes, full of devotion, and nothing else mattered.

“Yeah, doll. Truce. I love you.”

You didn’t get a chance to tell him the same, since he kissed your nose, your watery giggle having his lips spread in the boyish smile you adored.

“I love you too,” you whispered then, planting your own kiss on his lips, chaste and short.

He wouldn’t take it. His mouth locked with yours in a searing kiss instead, emotion pouring from each tiny motion of his lips against yours and you gave in, engaging in the dance of love, your fingers tangled in his locks.

Now this felt like Heaven.

“We’re okay. Everything is going to be okay,” he breathed into your mouth then, fresh tears spicing your kiss.

You didn’t care if you sounded like a child, you asked anyway. “Promise?”

Steve retreated as little as possible to be able to look into your eyes, his own still glassy, but serious and heavy with a vow.

“Promise.”

༻༺༻༺༻ღ༺༻༺༻༺

S.R. masterlist

༻༺༻༺༻ღ༺༻༺༻༺

Am I forgiven? Technically, this could be considered a sort of a happy ending, right? To a point, of course. I mean. Morgan still has her dad. No soulmate pairs were split… :)

Some awesome readers on AO3 suggested that the Winchesters then bullied Cas into bringing the lovebirds back to life, fixed them a cabin in the middle of nowhere, and granted them an actual happy ending. Well. If that makes you feel better, roll with that :-*

BTW, about the scene where they honour the fallen Cap: that scene (with Tony, obviously) WAS supposed to be in Endgame, how dare you, fix that at instant!

I love you if you read this till the end, till the last line. Thank you with my whole heart for your support 🤍

-.-.-

Also, while I love Steve to bits (in case you couldn’t tell) and I was happy for him because of the ending he got in Endgame, understanding the arc the writers made, the more and more I think about it, it was kinda out of character and… maybe I would have been more satisfied if heStevewas the one snapping and taking Tony’s fate. I mean… I would have cried my eyes out, sure, but… but.  Sorry for the ramble O:-)

[tomsrebeleyebrow]

together | ho x fem!reader

@allegra-soleil​ asked: Chérie, ma belle, that last blurb BROKE ME. Can I have something similar but with Haz? Cuz we both know he is more hot tempered, and would probably make things worse before making them better, yelling and crying later when he realizes he really fucked up💔 Maybe he was the jealous one? Feeling left out by your sudden friendship with Tom? Mercy, baba. Je t'adore💖💖💖

Warnings: MAJOR ANGST including language/swearing, harsh arguments, screaming, cries, insecurities, anxiety, lots of emotions tbh BUT FLUFF at the end because we want happy endings in this house, dammit!

Word Count: 4.2k

A/N: ALLIE. MY GORGEOUS ALLIE 💞 your request turned into an oneshot because, well, inspiration i guess? 😂🙄🙊 so this one is for you bae, an angsty as hell but with that fluffy ending we all want 🥰🥰🥰 love you girl and as always, stay safe sweetheart 💖💗

‘Stay safe, Cheer up’ blurb event  

masterlist | taglist | your support

Despite whatever people say, no human on Earth could escape the reality of how feelings work. No human was perfect, that was for sure. Not even Harrison. And now, the boy was massively experiencing jealousy at its best. Or maybe at its worse.

Which actually lead to now, when you tried to catch up your blond boyfriend as he stomped towards his bedroom, at Tom’s house.

“What was that just now?” you yelped as you were now both in the bedroom, Harrison facing away from you and not a single word addressed since what happened just before.

“What?” Harrison said with a harsh tone.

“The way you just addressed both Tom and I a minute ago, acting like a complete douchebag. Care to explain?” you asked again, slight irritation now audible in your voice.

“Oh sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt your private time with Tom!” scoffed Harrison while turning towards you, and your eyes widened at what you were looking at.

The face of your boyfriend displayed a look of mixed emotions you never knew was possible; anger, disgust, sarcasm and pure jealousy. His whole body screamed tension but the worst part must have been his voice, each word accentuated by the fakest playful tone of all time.

And that vision was almost scaring you.

“What are you saying, Haz?” you demanded with clear and proper authority, the need to know what was going on in your boyfriend’s mind being your main goal at the moment.

“What am I saying, you’re asking!?” Harrison sneered at you, “I’m just noticing that my own girlfriend looks like she’s having the blast of her life with my freaking best friend ever since we started the quarantine, is what I’m saying!”

Harrison’s voice got louder as the sentence kept going, each word heavy enough to weight more and more upon yourself.

“Are you joking right now?”

Now you were expecting anything, but that.

“I’m just by myself mostly all the fucking time like I don’t even exist in this house! But don’t mind me, really, it’s not like I’m your damn boyfriend in the story! So don’t waste your precious time with somebody like me and just go back to your dear Tommy to laugh and be lovey-dovey like two stupid kids!!”

“Are you out of your mind or what?!” you retorted before Harrison had the chance to continue, your ears still not believing what you just heard.

“If you wanted to go out with Tom Holland himself, you should have said no to me in the first place, instead of using me all this time to get closer to him-”

“What the actual fuck is wrong with you, Harrison?!” you shot, you voice getting as loud as Harrison’s one.

The back and forth argument kept getting worse, you two now becoming entire messes as both your faces were reddening at the same time your words got louder.

The scene definitely drew the attention of the other residents of the house, the first one being Tuwaine as the man was passing by and just stopped at the doorframe, not believing what was actually happening. Soon Harry followed, the screams loud enough to wake up the deaths or the neighbours next door, or even the entire neighbourhood.

“Oi guys, what’s up in there?”

And obviously, the next and last person to arrive was Tom.

“Why the fuck are you all screami-”

Just then, you simply exploded like a grenade that waited and took too much already on yourself. Your voice was screaming of anger now, but also distress and sadness, the rage definitely showing now from head to toes that you shocked all four boys, Harrison included.

“FUCK YOU HARRISON! JUST- FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING DAMN ATTITUDE!” you raged and kept going in one breath, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I DID TO DESERVE BEING TREATED LIKE A- LIKE A TOTAL SLUT BUT IF Y-YOU CAN’T TRUST ME ENOUGH OR EVEN BELIEVE IN THE LOVE I FEEL TOWARDS YOU, I-I JUST- AT LEAST FREAKING TALK TO ME BEFORE ACTING LIKE A FUCKING TOSSER Y-YOU DAMN BASTARD!!!”

That was it. You lost it, all your usual nice and sweet composure just vanished in a snap. But you felt hurt, badly hurt like you never once thought you would be that your feelings just washed over you that you had to scream as loud as possible.

You never had that kind of harsh arguments with Harrison, even knowing the boy was sometimes short tempered but right now, everything he said to you still resonated in your head. Every words. All of them. Even the degrading ones. Each of them were said with pure and bad jealousy, something you couldn’t imagine coming from Harrison.

In the end, even him was capable of hurting people.

Your face was now a red mess, your entire body tensed but at the same time shaking, and your eyes full or tears that soon started rolling down your cheeks when you finished screaming to his face.

Then a cold, tensed and awkward silence settled in the room. No one dared to say a word. And after a loud sob escaped your lips, you ran outside the room, not even glancing once more at the blond guy in front of you, nor at the other boys as you made your way past them. Your cries echoed in the hallway as you then barged inside the “office” room, slamming the door behind you with such violence it made everyone jump, locking it right after. Finally alone in your own despair, you slid your back down the door and sat against it, the back of your head slightly bumping onto the wooden door as you now let out your sobs openly.

“The actual fuck was that just now?!” Harry finally dared to speak, snapping out after what he just saw and heard. “Did you literally accused (Y/N) of cheating on you?!”

“Were you out of your mind to be rude to her like that?!” Tuwaine added, dumbfounded by all the argument.

Harrison was not moving, not a single inch. He was like petrified on the spot, now standing alone in his bedroom as his friends were still staying outside of it. But compared to a few minutes ago, his face now lost all colour, being as pale as if he saw a ghost.

He was completely shocked at himself.

“Mate” Tom addressed his friend, the tone of his voice calm even after being badmouthed by his own best friend, the one who just stood there like a lonely and wandering soul.

Not really expecting an answer from Harrison, Tom slowly walked inside the room, to then stand in front of his blond friend.

“That’s totally normal to get jealous, you know?” Tom began in his most understanding and serious voice, “But jeez, (Y/N) is like a sister to me! Never would I see her more than that!”

Tom’s words were making their way though Harrison’s brain, but the lack of reaction from him was getting really worrying.

“But mostly, I’d NEVER betray my best friend! Never, you hear me Harrison?” Tom insisted firmly. “And just now, you completely misunderstood everything and hurt (Y/N). And yourself.”

And at that moment, Harrison felt like the entire universe fell on top of his head. For good. He finally realised he badly fucked up.

* * * *

It’s been four days since the argument. The four longest and tougher days of Harrison’s life.

Since then, you’ve closed yourself into the office room, not wanting to be near or see your boyfriend after everything he said to you. You ate there, slept there and cried there. You just locked yourself in, as if wishing for everyone to forget you were even there. But that was impossible for Harrison.

When Tom somehow brought back his friend to himself, after being completely out of his mind like he never did, Harrison panicked and just wanted to rush back to you. Tom, Harry and (mostly) Tuwaine could hold him back, even when he started screaming your name for you to forgive him, pure agony in both his voice and written on his face.

After, Harrison was like an undead. His usual shining blue eyes were no more, but replaced by empty one, completely dull and lost into nothingness. His body was even too heavy for him to stand properly, as if everything he told you came back to him to just put the blame on him and only him, the guilt heavier like an entire building. He even lost his appetite and his sleep, not finding any purpose to any matter while being away from you after what he did. What he made you endure.

You didn’t want to see him anymore, and just kept ignoring him while he stood on the other side of the door for hours, pleading for you to open and talk about it together. Nothing. You never replied. If you ever needed something, you would simply ask to Tom, Harry or Tuwaine by text. But never Harrison. Never. And Tom would have to drag his friend away from the door as he would just start crying, desperately trying to open it or even bang his forehead on it on total despair.

That situation weighted on everybody else, too. The once joyful house became a pure living hell of agony, the air thick with tension all around. Being under lockdown for so long was already a pain in general, so nobody needed that kind of additional stress to make it worse.

It had to stop, but not any which way.

On the sixth day, Tom was cooking some lunch while Harry and Tuwaine were in the backyard, enjoying the beautiful weather that London was offering them. And Harrison was at the exact same spot he occupied since the incident, slumped onto the couch, head thrown on the back to fix the ceiling for hours.

“Hey, Harrison.”

The blond lightly glanced at Tom, his body not moving, as the brunette stood next to the couch with a tray in his hands.

“Do you want to bring this to (Y/N)?” asked Tom to his friend.

Harrison’s head slowly turned towards him at the sound of your name.

“She doesn’t want to see me anymore” whispered Harrison almost inaudibly, his eyes red and puffy after so many sleepless nights spent with cries.

“If you just force yourself into her like you did the past days, like a mad man, for sure she’ll just keep ignoring you...” sighed Tom, trying not to sound so done with his friend during that tough path he was going through. “Man up, be yourself and go.”

Still hesitant, Harrison looked between Tom and the tray in his hands a few times, before slowly sitting down properly on the couch. Tom nodded at him to encourage him a bit and after what seemed like the biggest effort of his life, Harrison finally stood on his own two feet, now facing Tom.    

“Come on and make up properly, idiot” ironically chuckled Tom, hoping to lighten the mood a little.

He held once again the tray out for Harrison to take, insisting. Gulping, the blond boy lifted his arms to soon grab the tray, hands still slightly trembling. Tom waited for his friend to calm down, knowing perfectly his mind was just a complete mess at the moment as so many scenarios of what was about to happen kept playing on and on, each of them at the same time.

Once he emptied his mind from the negativity invading him, Harrison took a deep breath in before holding the tray properly by himself. Tom gently patted his shoulder, another supporting move of his and moved aside to let his friend walk past him.

His steps were as light as a feather, not wanting to make too much noise on his way to the office room. Harrison’s heart was beating like crazy, each beat almost wanting to break through his ribs, the pain almost unbearable.

But there was no coming back. Not anymore. Harrison was so scared to mess everything up again, like he did when he started an argument that was not even supposed to exist. But he brought it up, like the dumbass he was sometimes. And now, he had to made up for all the abominations he said to you. So yes, Harrison was scared and even worse... he was scared to loose you.

Without realising it, the blond boy was now standing in front of the wooden door. That door that could be the epitome of your heart right now, completely closed and unknown to him, acting like a barrier to protect you from more sadness you may not be able to handle anymore. But Harrison had to make the first step to you because he was the one who caused all this.

He had to fix his mistakes, once for all and good.

“... (Y/N)?” the boy called in what sounded more like a whisper.

He clicked his tongue, sure you didn’t even hear him. After glancing at the living room and noticing Tom had left to join the boys outside, Harrison cleared his voice and tried again.

“(Y/N)... It’s... it’s me.”

Meanwhile, on the other side of the door, you were curled up onto the couch that became your bed for almost a week. Your lack of sleep was beyond your own understanding, as not even a single one of your college projects managed to keep you awake at night. Your body has been aching and heavy, the simple fact of rolling over being painful to you. And the painkillers did nothing to your constant headaches that kept coming and going whenever they wanted. You were sad, hurt and now tired.

But out of nowhere, you caught a faint voice coming from the door. At first you were not really sure as your mind was rambling all over the place, but then you heard it again, and a bit clearer. That familiar voice you knew too well, that particular one you were trying to avoid at all cost since the argument.

Harrison.

Hearing it now awakened all your senses again, against your own will but you preferred to stay quiet, bringing your knees closer to your chest and hoping he would just go away.

“Please, (Y/N)... I-I’ve brought your lunch...”

You gulped, hiding your face into your knees. His once energetic voice was no more, sounding now more morose and... hurt. And somehow, it still saddened you a bit. The silence invaded the place again. Now you felt torn between two rather difficult choices: still ignoring him because the hurtful words he screamed at you that day were the cause of your sleepless nights, or... maybe confront him and see how it goes. Maybe.

“Fuck, what did I expect really... Of course you’re still angry at me, and you have all the rights to be” Harrison murmured along with a sigh.

Lowering his head, Harrison’s eyes fell on the lunch tray Tom kindly prepared to you and mindlessly inspected it. The smell was mouthwatering and the steak sure looked delicious, but Harrison couldn’t help but note you always liked your meat less cooked and with a lot of oregano. And regarding the sides, the boy was pretty sure you would leave the cucumber slices of the salad, as you liked more carrots instead.

All these little things, even the most insignificant ones, were part of your being. And Harrison learnt to know all of them by heart, and to cherish them. And so did you, ever since you started dating. The specific tea he loved to drink depending on how he was feeling, the vegetables he couldn’t look at - even after you desperately tried to cook them in many different ways -, what to do when he was feeling tired and grumpy, the movie he could binge-watch all the time, and so on...

Harrison loved you as much as you loved him.

And he had to fucked this up like a bastard to finally realise he just imagined the stupidest things ever, and hurt you in the end.

“... I’m the fuckin’ worst.”

As any chance of this door opening vanished into thin air, Harrison loudly sighed, badly depressed but still trying his best to contain his tears a bit more, and put the lunch tray down at the door to then walked away.

But after only taking two steps, two click sounds suddenly reached his ears which made him stop on his track, turning quite fast towards the door to see it... slightly opening. And that was when Harrison caught sight of you and his body froze, eyes wide open.

Through the half-open door, you were there, your entire frame partially visible but still. He was finally able to see you and notice how fragile you looked. Facial features slimmed down, dark circles and red eyes. You were a mess, just like Harrison was during the past few days. After what seems like hours of total silence, both your eyes finally met, hesitant at first but then, you slowly opened the bedroom door a bit more. The heart of Harrison started beating all over again, his lungs working fully as if he learnt once more how to breath.

“... Harrison.”

Oh, your voice. Hearing it after so long brought shivers down his spine.

“(Y-Y/N)... I-”

But words got suddenly mixed up in his mind as Harrison wanted to tell you so many things at the same time. How much he was sorry, how much of an idiot he was, how much he regretted, how much... he missed you. So much. But then, he remembered Tom’s advices.

“If you just force yourself into her... like a mad man... she’ll just keep ignoring you...”

Harrison had to think calmly, but most importantly wisely. So he decided to stay quiet waiting for you to speak first, if you ever did.

You’ve never seen Harrison this tense like he actually was. Never this... all over the place. Hair sticking in every directions, his stubble more visible than ever and baggy clothes. Well, you were pretty much the same anyway. But what saddened you more was the look in his eyes. His ocean eyes you loved getting lost into turned into two empty orbs, dull, deprived of any joy but tears, now.

“... We need to talk” you muttered in a low tone, your hand grabbing the door harder to get you some extra support, you hoped.

As you slowly lowered your body to take the tray off the floor, Harrison got quicker and grabbed it before you. This brought you two face to face, crouching with only the space of the tray between you, eyes locking for some seconds. No word spoken but only looks, and that was a lot.

You averted your eyes at the same time before getting up again, a bit awkwardly. Harrison followed you inside the office room while you closed the door right after him. Not paying too much attention at the mess around, he went to place the tray on the coffee table in front of the couch and stood there, not knowing what to do or if he could talk. Silently, you advanced to then sit on the said couch, pushing away the blankets and pillows you used to sleep on the side. You patted a few time the space next to you while looking at Harrison or, at least, trying to draw his attention as the boy was looking anywhere but at you, fidgeting with his fingers like a child who just did something stupid.

Well, maybe that was the case, actually.

Finally, Harrison heard the muffled sound of your hand against the couch and, after looking at you like he wanted your approval, slowly but surely walked and sat next to you. He brushed his thighs a few times, feeling his muscles stiff but still trembling. His heartbeat kept pounding on inside his chest, one foot slightly tapping in rhythm on the carpet. He had to bite the inside of his cheek to remain calm. But Harrison knew he had to speak first. After all, everything was his own fault.

“(Y/N), listen I’m-”

“I’m sorry...”

Harrison stopped and looked at you, mouth still open as he was not sure if he heard right. Now frowning, he noticed your head dropped as you were desperately fixing your knees, the grips of your hands on your sweatpants making your knuckles slightly turn white.

“I’m sorry, Harrison” you repeated once again, your voice trembling and just above a whisper. “I-I shouldn’t have insulting you l-like I did. You deserved it b-but I said such horrible things to you, instead of talking about it with you... I-I’m an idiot, I should have-”

“W-Wait (Y/N), what are you saying? I’m the one who has to apologise to you, not the other way around!” retorted Harrison, quite shocked and confused by your words.

“But I just got things worse, Harrison! A-And in the end, we were just screaming at each other a-and I-I-”

Your body started shaking again, your throat tightening as more words wanted to go out, soon followed by sobs. Your breathing became halting and tears were forming at the outside corners of your eyes, you couldn’t stop any of this as guilt kept growing inside of you during these days.

Harrison couldn’t handle seeing you like this anymore, nor hearing accusing yourself for what happened to you both. That was impossible, and it had to make it stop. He had to make you understand that any of this was not your fault. He had to comfort you as much as you needed to be.

So the boy slid from the couch, both knees on the carpet as he was now facing you. He pressed his torso against your knees, trying to be as close as possible to you, and put his hands on your thighs. The touch brought you out of your inner upheaval and your teary eyes met again.

“Listen, (Y/N)” began Harrison, gulping, “I’m the one who started all this mess whereas nothing of this would have happened, okay? I-I’m the stupid one here, the selfish one, the... jealous one who imagined horrible things because I got... I got insecure and lonely. I shut myself away enough to awaken the worst side in me. And like a complete asshole I accused you of... of cheating on me. You, the person I love the most and that loves me so much in return. The person I trust with all my heart. I just- I fucked up so bad a-and-”

Harrison didn’t notice the tears already rolling down his cheeks until now.

“I-I’m just the worst boyfriend- no, the worst human being ever-”

But then, your trembling but soft hands gently raised to wipe his wet cheeks with your thumbs making him stop spouting any more gibberish about himself. And it was like your touch instantly appeased him, like the best medicine that could exist and just closed his eyes, his breathing slowly calming down.

By instinct, his bigger hands raised to gently rest on top of yours and just leaned his face on your palms, appreciating the skin contact he missed since then. God did he miss your touch.

You both sniffled, forehead resting against each other as you leaned more towards the blond boy. The tears kept going for some time actually, neither of you really knowing for how long. But that was needed.

After some time spent in a rather calm silence, you parted from each other and you gently brushed your boyfriend’s wet cheeks with your thumbs again, a comforting smile now on your face.

“I think... we both messed up” you gently whispered.

A light smile appeared on Harrison’s face, the left corner slightly raising more like it always did when he was getting shy or embarrassed... or comforted.

“We did” replied the blond, a soft chuckle barely audible, “... well, mostly me.”

“Never hesitate to talk to me, alright Harrison?” you stated quite seriously but still with that kind tone of yours your boyfriend loved so much. “Even for stupid matters, I don’t care, just let’s talk about it. Promise?”

“I promise, love.”

You shared another smile, rosy cheeks and eyes still shining with the last few tears. But now, the atmosphere felt way lighter as any ounce of negativity washed away around you both. You kept the eye contact and your hands connected, a way to slowly treat that deep link between you both.

Then you gently brought Harrison’s face closer to you and left a light kiss on his forehead, the kiss lasting for a few seconds but Harrison made the most of it, his eyes closing again which let the last tears roll on his cheeks.

“I’m so sorry, love” Harrison whispered like he was in trance.

“I know, dear. I know. But we will go through it. Together.”

🏷 Permanent tag list & mutuals 💖 (get notified)

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[xxrat--punkxx]

JUMPING ON THIS BAND WAGGON

Ok here’s my 2020, tw//mentions of suicide and abuse

(Strong start lmao) 2020 sucked ass lemmi tell ya. This year was a fucking train wreck from the start, ur hay I got character development so who cares. Well let’s start with a review, bad things first.

Yall remember when everyone was scared shields of COVID?. Lol. But that’s stating the obvious. When we went into lockdown I was first like fuck yeah summer lol, but then the threat of ‘staying home for the rest of the year’ set in, bing in my first year of sixth form I really understand the stakes of exams next year. So having to stay home for the rest of the year freaked me the fuck out. I literally couldent cope, having to do all classes online was fucking hell, they were never zoom classes either, just ‘lmao do the work and hand it in’ which was near impossible for me. I was also in the constant ‘oh no I’m so stressed but I will do NOTHING about this lmao~’. As the days turned to weeks and inevitably MONTHS, my mental health said buckle up bitches. Days were spent sitting in my room on my phone doing NOTHING, meanwhile this perpetual notion of stress played in my head yet there I sat not having the will or motion to move.

Then my parents got involved. Now THATS when shit went from pretty crummy to awful, now I was living with them constantly I was able to see who they really were with no real filter. And oh god do I have issues, I didn’t even fucking know. Every day was an argument, my mom was the worst, the MANIPULATION, the constant ‘you're tearing this family apart’ or ‘so I’m the problem?’ Or the fucking indecent playing the victim. And I all only just realised, that they have been doing this ALL MY LIFE. Dad got involved but he was just physically violent, only twice tho. The worst part was my work, admittedly yes, I didn’t do everything I was given, but I tried, I really did with what little motivation I had. But with just one ‘oh your daughter hasn’t handed in this work’ I was a ‘lazy, good for nothing failure’ to quote ‘who will never go anywhere in life’ so I’d spend the rest of the day crying while they play the victim bury saupying I was abusing their love and just using them for money. But the next day be like ‘oh I’m so proud of you you're doing so well’ having that statement being completely unrelated to the previous events. This was constant. So that’s that story. I won’t talk much about Black Lives Matter because we all know about how that went. But it really affected me, I found myself crying over the victims multiple times. And the lack of support for the movement my peers or family showed made it fucking worse. Crying was a common occurrence for me now, mental health really taking a nosedive, being too scared to call myself ‘depressed’ or ‘mentally ill’ to any extent because I know I’m faking it and just want validation. That was also constant. Fun times huh.

BUT IT GETS WORSE 🥲, then I had to go back to school, awful to fucking abhorrent now. Year two of sixth form fun right? Sure, if u take away the ‘no free time period’ or the wanting to kill mystery for literally a whole 3 weeks. That was my lowest peak. Ever. I’ve never wanted to kill myself before then, don’t like that feeling. Shocker huh. That mixed with the constant anxiety of nothing is right anymore and also needing to succeed at school all made one healthy dose of ‘.exe has stopped working’ juice. Yet I played the fool, acting happy as if nothing had happened, or was happening at least, and venting by imagining scenes in my head with fictional characters lmao. Telling myself ’u can’t kill yourself because u don’t deserve too and ur just asking for attraction’. Then midterms happened blah blah blah, stress but I’m numb to it now that whole story.

But that’s not to say there wasn’t a silver lining.

Onto the good things finally, yes the year was probably one of the worst years I’ve been through in my life it did not go without its positives. For example early this year I got into borderlands properly, I finally explored the fandom and had a look at what it was like. Albeit a slow process considering I was still predominantly on Instagram at the time, and finding a community of a fandom on there is impossible. I started browsing Pinterest or the Internet for images that would link to my favourite characters, Who were to no ones surprise is the calypso twins. Pinterest led me to artworks and artworks led me to the infamous Lazulizard. Who I cherish all my being. Three weeks later after looking at her entire tumblr blog and stalking her of pretty much all her content (sorry for that by the way) I found border-spam. By this point I didn’t have tumblr and I had no intention of getting it seeing as an ongoing war I’ve had with myself since 2012, declaring I will be the bigger man and never get tumblr, which in hindsight was an awful mindset. Seeing as tumblr is probably one of my favourite places on Earth right now. But after also stalking border spams account, again sorry, and starving her of any content she’d ever posted. I was happy that this fandom although as niche as it is was actually getting content. At the time spam and lazu were absolute gods to me. Being the sole producer of a fandom I probably wasn’t even in properly, having both impeccable writing and impeccable art like good God. I would often think ‘wow wouldn’t it be incredible if I actually got to talk to them one day’, now look at me I’m doing commissions for both of them good God. And to be short joining tumblr felt like a fever dream and it’s probably the greatest thing I could’ve done this year, my parents are wrong, talking to strangers is amazing.

Something notable of mention this year as I actually got to figure out who I am as a person, I was able to find my own style and to find my interests, specifically in what I liked in terms of clothing. I thought I was LOL 2012 goth hipster but no apparently I’m manic Pixie dream girl. Going from pink is the ugliest colour in the world to having it be the only colour I will ever wear. I made some pretty big choices this year like cutting pretty much all of my hair off and dying it for the first time. Thanks strict parents for only letting me do that one now. But like I said I went to a character Ark and you know what I like it. I also played BioShock fallout and horizon zero dawn for the first time this year starting to really feel like a proper epic gamer, good lord kill me, and falling in love with all of them almost immediately. I also figured out on a plant mum and I’m into vulture culture although my parents have to disagree with that one. Asking to buy an Horse and fox skull somehow scared them a little bit can’t seem to figure out why lmao.

So a conclusion, Fuck you 2020 you made me miss two comic cons and I will never forgive you for that shit I am SO mad. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt you did make me meet some absolutely incredible people who I consider my friends, despite going against every single Internet safety law I was ever taught as a child. But you know what who gives a flying shit I love you guys. So that’s what I wanted to say. I want to say thank you to everyone on here and everyone is following me or even interacted me with on that matter. You mean the world to me and I really fucking mean it. Are you going to be nothing but amazing ever since I walked onto this fucking hell hole. And what I go through all of this bullshit again if it means I ended up here? You know what I think I just might. So again I thank you and I hope your year didn’t go as badly as mine, and fuck it bring on whatever the fucks next!

Honourable mention of this year was The time Elisa actually complimented me and I cried a little bit and had a panic attack but you know that’s for another day

🥺💕

[eddiestattoos]

FINI. Posting this then going to cry for the next 5 hours

"Life unions, stop being so romantic"

Clark's lady stealing his powers again

"I'm more than ok. I'm super"

"Starting to regret not packing my intergalactic dictionary about now" Oliver has one?

"No way these are Celtic"

"There's gotta be some way to turn off this death ray from hell"

Ollie and Kara working together!?

Lois running back and forth and Clark just being helpless

Speed demon typer Lois

"Like 800% more awesome than yesterday. Ok maybe 700%"

"No. In Wisconsin"

"The number of heels that I have broken super stretching my legs today is out of control"

*tosses woman aside* "I work out"

I really though Ollie was about to pull out a weapon that shoots two arrows at once but this is somehow more fun

Oliver and Kara putting their trust in each other purely because Clark trusts them both

Not toyman again

About damn time some mention is made of what Lana did for Clark

Lois???? I was really expecting her to just run off before she took his device

Ollie is starting to scare me

Ok I know they get married but I'm crying

THE TIME HAS COME FRIENDS

The series recap my poor little heart

Lois still has her ring I'm no fool

"Your Copperfield act's impressive"

"Remind me to thank Zatanna for making our nuptials so hassle free"

"It's the best decision I don't remember making"

Ollie pulling out Lois and Clark's wedding rings while him and his wife continue to not have any

The way this woman says apocalypse

Clark fool listen to your mother

"You're never gonna see the big picture if you get stuck in spin cycle"

Chloe working her Chloe magic one more time

The vows I'm crying I want what they have

"I'm such an idiot" I wasnt gonna say it Lo

"Thank god for our favourite Martian"

Ollie???

"If by putting it behind you you mean saying sayonara to your ice dad, selling the farm and hanging out in a cemetery instead of being at a church wearing an uncomfortably starched suit"

"I've been down this road before I've been through this. You know where it landed me? Burning a perfectly good leather hoodie"

"Little birdie bridesmaid"

Clois on opposite sides of the door that scene was BEAUTIFUL

Lois' vows somehow even better than Clark's I'm in tears y'all

Only Clark Kent would walk his bride down the aisle

Chloe's wtf is my husband doing face

Well it finally happened Oliver finally fell off the rails

If this means Oliver has to die I'll full out bawl

You know, Oliver's deep brown eyes are dark enough thanks

HALLELUJAH

Ollie and Clark being all matchy matchy with their suits

Another damn wedding derailed what the hell smallville

Chlollie making out on the literal dawn of the apocalypse

The apocalypse colours are so pretty though

"Its not really time for a father daughter chat there's literally a planet hurdling toward earth

Both Lionel and his look are completely unhinged and I don't like it

"Looks like my purpose in your life has changed" *shoots him* damn Tess

Lionel died twice at the hands of his own children lol

He's alive (insert goofy mysterious voice here)

"Today definitely tops Chloe's wall of weird"

Clois pulling a Chlollie with a make out session

"I'm sorry I wouldn't have had to do that if the world wasn't in jeopardy. And you weren't such a bitch"

"Hello Clark. Can't say I love what you've done with the place"

"You still say it the same way. Astonishment, mixed with a hint of dread, yet a hopeful finish" wow this is actually giving me Lex nostalgia

"I wouldn't worry so much about my dear little sister"

Ok I only like two people calling Clark kal el. Jor el and Kara

Ok I'll accept Zod too

"I got this friend. Cool leather jacket, blurs faster than a speeding bullet. Hes pretty good at impossible"

Hot damn it's a triple arrow I couldn't love it more

Tess? That's it? Tess?

The compilation of his best saves!!

Jor el's pride for his son finally!!!!

"Always had onto Smallville" CRYING

FLIGHT

"Come on Clark you can do this" Oliver watching Clark with such pride I love him a perfect final scene

Mama Chloe!

The kid has an arrow set like his dad!!

"Just tell the minister I'm gonna be a few minutes late"

IT'S BEAUTIFUL

[sanoiro]

Lucifer Meta: Wings & Identity

 ~First of all long time no see. Yes, I was busy with work and uni this past year and also I didn't have the time nor the patience to be on two social media platforms at the same time. I apologise for that! 

In this post, I’ll try to meta Lucifer and his wings on a different level which you will understand once you have read this post. The inspiration came when last night I re-watched 4x07 and the ending was short of a revelation for me in regards to Lucifer, how he perceived himself but also what he wanted to be. 

In 4x07 as you remember Lucifer discovers that his once fluffy white wings now are monstrous, leathery bat wings and cannot comprehend why is that. He says 

Lucifer: You have to help me, doctor. I don't want to be a monster. Linda: What's wrong? Lucifer: It's my wings. I hadn't checked them since my devil face returned. I was afraid they might have gone. I was afraid what that might mean. What that might say about me.

^If you had not noticed you can see that Ellis portrayed Lucifer crying in that scene. You can see the tear dropping from the tip of his nose. 

Now as you remember in S3 we had a Lucifer who abhorred his wings but there was a mistake in comprehending what exactly he fought so hard against. It was not his wings it was the fact Lucifer felt he was manipulated and forced to be something. Up to that point, angelhood and devilhood had to do on which side of Dad’s grace an Angel was but that was disproven by the end of that season, therefore, the wings in S3 were something that held no physical hatred but an emotional one. 

At 3x11, Lucifer comes to the self-realisation, which might be a wrong one, that in this city of Angels, he is not one anymore. He says to Amenadiel that he waited to be forgiven in Hell by Dad but now Lucifer decides to abandon that, I would say abandon that hope. In the end of 3x11, he has Maze cut his wings and at that moment he physically severies a bond while turning the manifesting an emotional pain, that of Dad’s rejection with a physical pain, that of self-harming himself to disassociate with Him. 

In a sense cutting his wings in 3x11 like in the beginning of S3 is a bit like Lucifer trying to remove a common familial feature that associated him with his Father but when Amenadiel rejected him he abandoned all hope. It’s like cutting a mole or I would go further and say taking our your eyes because you inherited your father’s colouring and you simply cannot stand to see that every day. 

So cutting the wings was painful but also a tantrum while Lucifer lost a foundation and started spiralling until Chloe came it his life. No, she didn’t make everything better but she gave him a path and that was a healing process.  It’s also remarkable how Lucifer for five years he kept his wings safe in a container, and in 1x07 he tells his brother that: 

Lucifer: To fool me into desiring the wings and the hellish throne they accompany. Well, do you know what? It almost bloody worked. A rip cord back to the life that dear old Dad chose for me. But I don't need it now, because, in case I haven't made myself abundantly clear, I'm never going back to Hell.

In the lines, Lucifer delivered above in S1 we often go back to how they were used for Hell’s depiction in S4 or how Lucifer didn’t want to go back but the one part we always leave out of our metas is the line: “fool me into desiring the wings”.

Why would Lucifer ever desire the wings? It was clear in S3 he hated them but again as I have explained before it was not the actual wings. He didn’t desire the wings per se and that ties with 3x11. In 3x11 Lucifer forces himself to stop considering himself as an Angel although he desperately wants to. Yet not in the sense, you may believe. 

In 3x11, 1x07 and 4x07 we can see that the wings are a physical and emotional part of Lucifer that yet they also hold a connection to what he once was, an angel. In 4x06, Ella says that what they expect us to believe that the Devil went from an Angel to the epitome of Evil? At that point, Chloe correctly says that Ella is right, Lucifer is also an angel. Not was, is. 

At this point let’s clear some confusion about the Angel part. When we are talking about Lucifer being an Angel it does not mean that he should be virtuous or replace the piano with a harp at LUX. It does not mean that Lucifer is subjected to a certain behaviour and nature due to his state of being, aka being an Angel because in all honesty he always was an Angel that never, ever changed. 

Lucifer’s case is a bit like a person doing inhuman acts. Yet they stay human, they were born human and will die as a human. Acts good or bad do not move people up and down a scale of what a human is, because you cannot stop being a human but you can choose what kind of human you wish to become. A person who wants to protest against a policy is not a bad human or a bad citizen but has an opinion which he or she wishes to express and seeks the freedom to do so. 

Now getting back to sociology and criminology, studies were focused on why poor or second-generation migrants are more likely to commit a crime and the answer after the 1980′s, the most popular one was social exclusion. Of course, you cannot pinpoint a whole field of study on just that but for this meta we will just have to in order to proceed. 

Lucifer was thrown away from his home, he felt betrayed by his Father and Mother. He was socially excluded by his siblings in Heaven and Hell and so what was marched and presented as a freedom march ended up being criminalised to the point where when Lucifer looked back to himself he could only see that distorted image yet the wings remained white, fluffy, untouched by the grimness of what he believed he had become. A monster. 

In S2 we see that Amenadiel lost his wings because he didn’t believe he was an Angel anymore. His actions that filled him guilt and doubt over his very nature didn’t make him a Devil but human. He lost his wings but at 3x17 he has accepted his mortality and regains his wings only when Charlotte dies and thus elevates himself on the fact that everyone is redeemable and is what you make of yourself not what Dad believes you deserve. 

If that’s the case why Lucifer never lost his wings if he believed he was just a Devil? Again because he always saw himself as an Angel until s4 that is. 

In 4x01 there is finally another key moment, another key line: 

Lucifer: I've had literal aeons to come to terms with what you saw. My- My monstrous side. [SHUDDERS.] But it's not all that I am. At least I hope not. [SIGHS.] Either way, it's unfair of me to expect you to just accept it. I'm honestly not sure when I'll be able to. If ever. 

This brings us back and forth in seasons and episodes. First that his Devil face is not a welcome feature but something he hides behind as we saw in a metaphor the writer room gave us in 4x09. It’s a mask that does not hide but projects his fears, his guilt and his despair towards mainly to himself...

Lucifer has not accepted what his physical Devil manifestation is and that’s clear in 4x01 as when he says, come in terms with it does not mean that he has accepted it but was dejected to it as we saw in 3x11. 

Second, he insists it’s not all that he is. As we saw in his speech in 4x07 he does not consider himself a monster but it’s like a slide that takes him in places he cannot control and which we see more clearly in 4x09 but also in 4x10. At the end of 4x10, it’s not his rage that turns him into his Devil form if you like but his guilt in my opinion. People have died, demons roam the earth, his nephew was taken because of him and Chloe is attacked so he lashes out and like a child, he projects the impossible. He puffs out and makes himself loos threatening while he is scared and lost again. 

Third, I would like to explore more the ‘when’ part. It shows that after billions of years Lucifer still considers himself an angel despite the monstrous side that takes over here and there. In his speech in 4x08 we have an example of what that feels like: 

Lucifer: There is something rotten inside of me. I find it near impossible to drown out the constant cacophony of voices whispering in my ear, telling me I am evil. I'm drowning, doctor! And I can't stop asking myself why do I hate myself so much? 

The rotten and drowning part Lucifer expresses presents us with a visual where whatever bothers him, he feels it spreading, taking over contaminating him. Yet contaminating what? The angel he is? If an angel is a partly rotten will that spread and if it has is he still considered an angel or is it something entirely new? Something that needs and has been thrown away before it affects the rest? 

With all that, we see that Lucifer has not accepted being the Devil as many perceive him to be and that in reality, the Devil, in this case, is not due to him being evil or making bad decisions and acts but because he is simply different. Obviously, I’m talking about the series. 

The Devil in this series is just an Angel with a different opinion which was twisted. Perhaps that different opinion was expressed in a wrong way aka the Rebellion but that cannot birth evil as we know it. Furthermore, there is no scale to null good acts with bad acts and keep an equilibrium so all that, have him in a state of total confusion because what he believes he is deep down aka an angel does not correspond to what he does some times nor what an angel should be which brings him in a constant self-rejection as what he is cannot be comprehended and by many is not a state of existence. 

Like in the case of Amenadiel or Remiel it was easier to believe that Lucifer’s nature had been corrupted entirely leaving nothing back to what he once was rather than recognise that people as Chloe said, constantly changing so there is no real medium to be reached aside from what is right and wrong and what you can do for that.  

Finally, the cacophony of voices is not just in his head is every individual who has enforced their opinion on what Lucifer is now. To make it clearer just think of Amenadiel in 3x11. 

Lucifer: Yes, of course, it'll work, Brother. That's why you asked me, remember? Someone crafty, smart-  Amenadiel: And evil. [LAUGHS.] Lucifer: Evil? Amenadiel: Well, if you want to find a deplorable criminal, you just ask a well, you know what I mean, Luci. Come on. You are the Devil, after all

So what can we take from all of the above? That Lucifer is an angel, he wishes to be an angel just a different kind of one. He is confused between his duty and his punishment on what he should be and what he is and yet all comes down to one very simple thing. Lucifer is an angel and he wishes to be one but not under the terms that have been subjected to all his siblings and that unique blend of what he is was drawn out by Chloe. She was in a way the balancing ingredient for some reason which I very much hope to see it be explained in S5... 

Perhaps just perhaps that was why he was also so hurt when she couldn’t accept his devil face as it would have been an affirmation that he still holds something angelic in him, worthy of her at that point. 

Yes, Lucifer makes her step down from the pedestal he put her on in 4x08 but at that scene, he saw her perhaps as a divine touched person who could soothe him and say that despite his appearance and the past mistakes that face betrayed, he could still reconnect with the divine. When she doubted that we can see one very important concept Lucifer still has. A faulty one but still...

Like with Amenadiel and many of his siblings, there are no grey areas, no maybes. There is either white or black so no matter how much Lucifer wants to hold on, to the idea that he is an angel, always was, always will be despite what he has done he has not transformed to a monster, dissociated from his family and nature despite of his choices to not follow the family business, he fails to see that grey area. There are maybes. Feelings and truths still prevail within any mess and you can find a middle without tearing yourself apart as Linda very well noted in 4x06. 

So that’s it I guess... 

[neverwatchedonepiece]

One Piece Movie: Strong World

The only thing I knew about this before wading in was Strong World was written by Oda himself. This was a good sign. After all, Toriyama wrote Battle of Gods, one of the recent Dragonball movies and I liked it a lot. Mainly because it was funny, but it also expanded the universe and opened up a ton of new potential plot directions. (Granted, I haven’t watched the latest DB series, so I have no idea if this was a good idea or not.)

The first thing I noticed about Strong World was, of course...

Hello, Movie Budget!

It is beautiful.

Seriously, look at those floating islands. The scope. The detail. Tiny Luffy in the right hand corner. If this was a video game, I’d be thrilled to play it.

Everything in this movie was that little bit lovelier than usual. There are a couple of scenes that stick out in particular. When Robin, Franky and Brook escape from the armed ants near the beginning (the swirling blossoms, the vibrant colour scheme). When the Strawhats look up at Shiki, stood on a stonehenge-like trilithon with the setting sun behind him (nice silhouette of the Strawhats) and, in general, those amazing shots of the Strawhats lined up, ready to fight.

Everyone looked great, too. All the Strawhats had new outfits (Robin suited the glasses and casual jumper dress, and Franky was perfect for that leather jacket).

Plus that Nami fan service... 

But I suppose the important question is this: why was Luffy tearing about on those floating islands, running away from a hilarious conveyor belt of murderous animals that culminated in a giant preying mantis being suplexed by a huge sloth bear?

The answer is this guy.

This Is What You Get For Being Nice, I Guess...

Shiki was a good movie villain. Threatening enough to cause trouble for the Strawhats but not over-powered to the point it disrupts the main canon plot (I hate it when that happens in movie specials). I like how he was integrated into the main plot (at least in the anime). There was that teaser back in Marineford when Sengoku mentioned Shiki in the same vein as Roger (and I thought it was something noteworthy, haha).

Well, it was a bit.

Post-Marineford, Shiki, who had been defeated by Gol D. Roger twenty years prior, had returned. After destroying a few innocent towns in East Blue, he flew his vast, floating island of a ship through the airspace of Marineford, its oars cutting through the clouds and left Garp and Sengoku a little message to remember him by. (That scene was good, if a bit CGI-tastic.)

On his way, he encountered the Straw Hats, who were just hanging out on the Sunny. The Coo News dropped and they discovered the grim situation in East Blue. Then, a vast ship passed overhead. Amazing, right? But it was headed straight into the path of a dangerous storm that Nami had spotted. Luffy, being decent, gave the order to alert the floating ship.

Shiki, being a villain, reacted somewhat badly to this news. He shot every single Navigator on his ship. What did he pay them for? Honestly! But look through yonder telescope. There was a sexy, young Navigator on the Sunny. The one who was sharp enough to spot the coming cyclone. And there was a vacancy. Several, in fact.

Aided by the power of his Float Float Fruit, he descended onto the Sunny’s deck. His design is cool. Those sword legs are awesome. It did not take him long to “invite” the Strawhats to his place: the floating islands of Merveille.

I say, “invite”. Kidnap is much more accurate.

Shiki’s Diabolical Fanservice-Filled Plan

And that was how the Strawhats ended up on Merveille.

And Nami in a swimming pool in a bikini, of course. (Don’t think I didn’t notice that scene when Nami pulled up those impossibly tiny shorts. But hey, it’s a tropical island. It’s hot, right?)

Mid-swim, Shiki and his goons showed up. For some reason, they performed a dance number. One of his goons was also one of the most annoying characters I’ve ever seen in a movie. His shoes made a dumb fart sound. His name was Dr Indigo, but I’ll call him Fart Clown.

Fart Clown rushed in with a new test subject: a duck that generates electricity. Shiki has been engineering fighting animals using a drug they developed from a local plant: the IQ plant. Nami did not approve and asked him what the hell he was doing. Shiki refused to reveal his goal, but dropped a few Significant Lines. “I’ll tell you once you join my crew. There are certain favours I’ll only do for crew members.”

Of course, Nami wasn’t planning to stay long. As soon as she found an escape route, she was off, with Electric Duck Billy in tow. Flying around with Billy, she spotted Luffy because he had amassed an increasing stampede of roid-raged creatures after his blood. 

Tear-Filled Reunions?

(Best joke in the movie. Why do you pretend to hate each other? You are fooling no one, guys.)

Meanwhile, the other Strawhats had been finding out interesting things.

Sanji and Usopp dodged sabre-toothed tigers and sharp-shooting buffalo and found themselves at a village filled with malnourished older residents and young children. They found out about how Shiki controls the village, takes away working-age residents to work at his palace, how the rest can only scrape by and that DDMs patrol the streets, recording everything anyone says or does. These people also had feathers. Why? No one knew.

Zoro and Chopper rescued a small girl (there is always a filler kid in movies) who had strayed from her village in search of a plant to help her grandmother. The grandmother was laid low by an airborne malady that originated in the Daft Green trees that surrounded the village. A double-edged sword: the trees kept them safe from the marauding animals but were also poisonous. There is a cure, but it’s derived from the IQ plant, and Shiki takes them all for his mutant animal projects. Chopper, by the way, did not have a good time around the trees.

Robin, Franky and Brook (well, not Brook, ahaha) avoided being stripped of their flesh by a crowd of angry, armed ants, then Franky improvised a Crawley Davidson (ahaha) to travel across the island in search of the others. There, they came across Shiki’s Palace. Elite pirates had gathered. There was a dress code. A random pirate told them Shiki had plans to demo his world-domination plans by destroying the village where all the feathered people lived, just like he’d destroyed the other towns in East Blue. (I liked how quick Robin was to play along. She’s such a good intel-gatherer.)

Unfortunately, they were too far away from the village to warn the other Strawhats.

Nami figured it out, but it was too late.

Vanguard Nami

This was the part of the movie when the protagonists suffer a defeat. It had to happen. 

Shiki appeared to recapture Nami. He was delusional, saying Nami really wanted to be part of his crew, honest. Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Usopp and Chopper tag-teamed Shiki, but the villain had an iron plot shield. His power was cool, though. You can tell Oda was behind it. The uses of it were very creative. Shiki made the earth float, engulf the Strawhats like a tsunami and them in a twisted spiral of dirt.

Then he forced Nami into a corner. She agreed to join his crew. Usopp tried to stop her, but Shiki still had his iron plot shield. Shiki decided to be nice and let her leave a Tone Dial message for her old crewmates.

Of course, when Robin, Franky and Brook finally found them an dug them out, Luffy listened to 80% of the message and got the wrong idea. How could she say Shiki was stronger than them, that he’d never measure up to a guy like that?

I knew there had to be more to that message. Nami would never say something like that, would she? (Interesting that Sanji was the one who asked to hear the message again.)

Luffy’s anger fuelled his epic rescue mission!

Which was just as well, as Shiki had executed his plan to tear down the protective trees. Murderous animals swarmed the village. The downtrodden people had to flee for their lives. Nami had been caught trying to betray Shiki (I still don’t get why she wanted to blow up the trees with dynamite) and he imprisoned her, leaving her to succumb to the Green Disease.

As Shiki headed towards East Blue, the Strawhats rocketed towards his palace on the Sunny.

Robin Must Have Mentioned the Dress Code

The big fight scene was great. 

The explosions, the smokey silhouettes, the sharp tailoring and the badass walk in were a joy to watch. Even the guns and the Kill Bill style brawl (you think you can take on the Crazy 88?) were fun. I liked how the first words out of Luffy’s mouth were: “Is Nami okay?”

Then, when Shiki lied about her doing just fine, Luffy respected Nami by saying, “Nami didn’t sacrifice herself. She came here to fight as our vanguard. Prepare yourself. We are the main force!”

Luffy acted like the captain. Gave Usopp and Chopper orders to find Nami, while the rest of them cleaned up. Franky fought the scrubs. Brook stealing the limelight when Sanji fought the gorilla for Robin was hilarious (”I WILL SHEAR THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES!” “I have no flesh.”)

Luffy ran after Shiki and Zoro was elevated to angel status in my eyes for offing that IRRITATING FART CLOWN.

And a word of advice: don’t say anything bad about being born in East Blue to Zoro.

“Don’t Bother Our Captain.”

I agree, Chopper. He is cool.

Hasta la Vista, Fart Clown The only good thing about you is that you had some pre-made Green Disease cure about your person that Chopper and Usopp looted from your unconscious body.

They found Nami just as she exacted her Revenge Plan. Billy the Duck lit the dynamite fuses and the Daft Green trees surrounding Shiki’s palace were obliterated. The enraged fighting animals stampeded in and smashed Shiki’s palace. It was wild. Fun to watch.

Enraged, Shiki tracked Nami, Usopp and Chopper. But guess who followed him and was, at that point, literally steaming with rage.

Monty Python’s Grand Finale

“NAMI, I’M GONNA BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA HIM AND WE’RE GONNA GO HOME!”

When Luffy makes a promise. He delivers.

And this is where the movie budget came into its own. That Gear 3rd animation was glorious.

I liked how the Strawhats took down Shinki. It reminded me of when they teamed up to take down Oars. They have come a long way and are now a well-oiled machine of efficient teamwork.

While Luffy used Billy the Electric Duck to counteract his lack of reach (I mean, Luffy’s reach is great, but Shiki can fly. What can you do?) Nami used an approaching storm to their advantage. Usopp and Chopper menaced the navigation team to turn the islands directly into the path of the storm. Robin helped Usopp and Chopper blow the palace to Kingdom Come. Franky prepared the Sunny for a quick getaway.

Shiki was caught mid-gloat (always the villain’s Achilles’ Heel). Merveille sailed right into the coming storm. Nami, of course, revealed her Clima Tact and called him out. Usopp sent a lightning attack deliberately into the rumbling clouds. Brook called everyone else back to the Sunny, leaving Luffy to clean up.

As Luffy’s lightning-charged, giant foot screamed towards Shiki, I thought: yes. This is exactly the kind of spectacular, over-the-top finale a bigger budget movie needs. GET HIM, LUFFY! (It also had shades of Monty Python’s Flying Circus. You ever seen that giant grey foot in the opening? The theme song was stuck in my head for ages afterwards.)

So it was that the Strawhats saved East Blue and the feathery Sky Angel People! Two birds with one stone. How about that? Let it never be said that the Strawhats cannot multi-task! (The feathery Sky Angel People bit didn’t make much sense. How could you forget you were a race of Sky Angel People? But whatever, I just went with it.)

At first I was confused as to why the Marines were arresting Shiki’s goons. How did they know where to find them? Then I realised Garp and Sengoku had probably been chasing them since the stunt Shiki pulled at Marineford. 

And the heart-warming (ship fuelling) scene at the end with Nami’s real message played at the end?

“Promise me you’ll come rescue me.”

Awesome. Good movie. Glad you guys recommended it. 

Shiki has clearly never watched One Piece.

[firstpuffin]

My expectations for the Venom movie (2018) based on the trailers; and my review (when I watch it):

Venom movie expectations:

-Note= This will contain some small amount of spoilers from the trailers and mayhaps the movie.

Venom is one of those movies that I am going to have to watch with a deliberately open mind, because it looks bad.

  To start with, I am a lifelong fan of Spider-man; I normally include that to mean all superheroes, but Spidey has always been my focus and I have time and again attempted to keep up with his adventures, although that is one hell of an ordeal. Because of the mess of comics that ran at the same time (Amazing Spider-Man, Web of Spider-Man, Peter Parker the Spectacular Spider-Man and all that tosh) with chapters of the same story published in different series, it’s hard to keep up; but I’ve tried and so I know quite a lot about Spidey and, naturally, his enemies. While I’ve never read the Venom comics, I know enough about him to see that his upcoming movie isn’t quite… loyal.

  Let’s begin with the symbiote’s origin: from the trailers I’ve seen this hasn’t been established yet, but it looks like there’s a bunch of them in a lab, but before that? No idea. In the original Spider-Man comics the symbiote was from a world that Spidey was dragged to in a crossover called “Secret Wars”. After his suit was torn up and his web-shooters lost, he was directed to a machine by another hero who had new clothes, only to approach the wrong machine and boom! Symbiote!

  Naturally that isn’t going to happen in any one movie, much less a standalone like Venom and it is obvious that the cartoons, movies and even alternate universes have had trouble finding ways to implement the alien suit (although with what happened in Infinity War part one, Spidey may be in the ideal situation to bring the symbiote back to Earth, but that won’t happen), but the reason why I bring up the origin is not how it is going to be on Earth, but that fact that Spidey isn’t involved.

  The last I heard, there was something like a thousand symbiotes on Earth (although don’t quote me on that) but Venom is unique not only for being the first, but for copying Spider-Man’s powers and to a degree, his appearance. I suspect that more recent comics may have tried to write their way around this but honestly, screw it. Without Spider-Man with his spider-based power-set, there is no spider on his chest, no webbing or sticking to walls (although symbiotes seem kinda sticky anyway) and it isn’t Venom anymore. In one scene from one trailer, we see Venom turn itself into blade-like things which it waved around, but Carnage was the first to do that and Venom sticks to, and I’m beating a dead horse here, Spidey’s moves. That’s why he’s such a quintessential Spider-Man villain, he’s literally his shadow.

  A Venom movie without Spider-Man is just a symbiote movie, which would actually be totally worth watching. It could be done Alien-style with people being hunted down by this symbiote creature and the finale has one of them possessed and attacking the others. It could be so good. Call it “Symbiote”.

  Back on track, another of my problems is that the first trailer made it look like a generic action film. There’s nothing wrong with that except why use an established comic book character like Venom for what is basically the next Mission Impossible movie? The following trailers made it look a bit better, but nothing really authentic, nothing really interesting. He’s a big, angry, cannibalistic Flubber and that actually sounds better than what I expect to see.

  Finally, Venom has changed a lot throughout his time in comics and I personally really appreciate how he was represented towards the beginning. He hated Spidey because the web-crawler “stole his innocence” (creepy, I know) but otherwise he was actually a bit of a hero; that’s why he had his own series. Eddie Brock has had his issues but he’s not a bad guy. The Venom I’ve seen in the trailer is more in line with what we see when the Venom symbiote bonded with Mac Gargan (aka The Scorpion). From what little I’ve seen of that pairing, Venom would literally eat people; it was disgusting. It feels like that’s the version we’re gonna have in this movie, and that’s not what I want to see.

Apart from commenting on how most of the trailers seem to be set at night (starting to think he’s been written for DC), that’s me done until I watch the movie.

Venom movie review:

Boy was I wrong.

  I really enjoyed this movie; maybe it was because I went in with low expectations while trying to keep my mind open, but I was very, very pleased. I will try and keep this review spoiler free (I personally DESPISE spoilers), but I will reference things that I mentioned in the expectation part of this article.

  First of all I want to bring up the fact that something I said earlier was wrong: we don’t see Venom creating blade-like things to fight with, that scene is the antagonist symbiote (we knew there would be another symbiote so that’s not a spoiler, right?) and they are actually one of my problems with the movie. Have you ever bought or seen sunglasses where the lenses are called silver but look black in many lights? I own a pair and I’m pretty sure that’s the colour of this symbiote. On its own, and in certain lights, it looked to me like Venom but thankfully when the two are on screen together, they are very distinct.

  On the topic of flaws, Venom is not a character driven movie; Eddie Brock is a rather generic action hero, the obligatory love interest is just that, an obligatory love interest and the token rival-in-love is probably the most interesting character who is neither villain or symbiote. Still, the human antagonist (seen in the trailer) is more interesting by far. I like his motivations although I personally feel that they get a bit fuzzy towards the end, although I may just need to watch it again. I like the intelligent, calm and collected villains who feel that they are doing the right thing, even if sometimes it feels like he is there solely to be an antagonist to the hero.

  And the titular Venom; I really enjoyed the symbiote for how he was, ironically, humanised. He was pretty amusing, had personality outside of his connection to Brock, even if I didn’t quite understand HIS motivations. I’m starting to notice a pattern here. It was great watching Brock realise that something was different after infection, with his body moving oddly as the symbiote controls him from within, and when the symbiote comes out and becomes the Venom we all know and love, he moves like a force of nature. He ploughs through objects like they aren’t even there which is quite exciting to watch.

  I wasn’t wrong when I said it looked like an action film, because it was. But the pacing was good, never too fast nor too slow, and events progressed at a satisfying, er… pace. There won’t be much emotional gratification from the “romantic” sub-plot (not quite sure it counts as such), and the film is really more about the action than anything else. Still, as an action flick it is pretty darn good, with the extra-terrestrial element helping it stand out from other releases such as Mission Impossible: Fallout (although I haven’t actually seen that yet).

  Finally, it sets up a possible sequel that I would love to see, although whether or not it could join the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) I can’t say. One of the staff members at the cinema suggested that as the film takes place in San Francisco and not New York, it wasn’t as though they contradicted anything from the MCU and so they could potentially bring Venom in. I’m not sure if I’d want to see that, I’d rather like to see a more traditional origin for the symbiotes (by which I mean to Earth via Spider-Man), although I did really like this movie’s take on it.

So Venom (2018), how was it? Well it defied expectations, although that doesn’t say much; it was an enjoyable action film, the visual effects were really good, although I did feel that occasionally the characters were not looking at the CGI symbiotes, and apart from one oddly auto-tuned song, I quite enjoyed the soundtrack.

[marecalrandomstuff]

Dynasty: Secret Heir Review

 (I rate it 5/5 stars)

 Where do I even start? Firstly this book was pure amazement! I was totally shocked of how brilliantly written this book was. Once I started reading I could hardly ever put the book down. There was never a moment in this book that ever really bored me, and honestly I get bored easily. I’m literally speechless. The plot was so breathtakingly amazing. To be completely honest there were even moments where I could hardly stay still from excitement, it was super hard to read without smiling and squealing like an idiot. But I mean, how could you? Also there were moments where I had to physically stop and close the book because the tension became almost unbearable. I had such a strong attachment to the book that it had the ability to mentally mess up my emotions and create heartbreak, one reason why I rated it so high.

I absolutely loved the female main character Jazmine, I could almost always relate to her in some way, not to mention that she is such a powerful and strong female badass character. She would never allow herself to get pushed around by others easily and would not give a damn. She would give those who did push her limits some payback, and let me say I love her for it. Don’t get me started on the other characters; I loved all their different personalities as well, even if there were some very cliché high school drama characters as well. I loved their friendships, I loved the romance, the drama, the TENSION!

To end this without spoiling anything if you’d like reading love-hate romances, stories with strong minded characters, fantasy worlds, supernatural powers, high school drama and anything with royals then you’ll absolutely love this book. Before I forget I just want to put out that there might be some r – rated scenes that might make younger readers feel slightly uncomfortable. So please, for those who are younger readers please read at your own risk.

This is a completely honest review, and I’m completely not being biased in anyway. But you really need to read this book. It’s a must read! I recommend you add this to your TBR list almost immediately! If I were to ever see a hard copy of this book I’d get it and reread it in a heartbeat.

I have to add a special thanks to the amazing MJ. Prince [ @mjprinceauthor ] for the advanced readers copy, I don’t know how you managed to create such a phenomenal novel, but well done. You executed it brilliantly. I literally can’t wait for the sequel! I need to know what happens next, immediately! OMG THE CLIFFHANGER! Also, there’s one more thing…  What the hell is going on with Raph?!

Janice ❤️

Below the cut is the Synopsis of the novel, I’d recommend you to check it out! vvv

Since the beginning of time, tales have been told about Eden. But all the stories are wrong.

Running parallel alongside Earth, but never touching, there exists not just a garden, but an entire world of vivid colours and breathtaking beauty where the Seraph reside. Jazmine has lived in ten different foster homes, in ten different towns and all her life she has felt like she doesn’t belong – not in the trailer park which happens to be foster home number ten, not anywhere on Earth.  After a universe shattering revelation, she discovers why. Far from being the nothing and no one, with no past and no future, that Jazmine had always believed herself to be, she discovers that she is in fact an heir to one of the seven remaining Seraph Dynasties.  She is Jazmine Evenstar, the last heir to the sovereign Evenstar Dynasty. Thrust into the world of wealth and privilege in which the impossibly beautiful and equally cruel Dynasty heirs reside, Jazmine is forced to manoeuvre the tangled web that holds the Dynasties together. Against the backdrop of breathtaking star filled nights, sweeping coastlines, grand marble halls and decadent palaces, Jazmine tries to find her place in this beautiful new world whilst fighting not to lose herself in the process. But the fairy tale quickly unravels.  Half human and the illegitimate daughter of the late suicide King of Eden, the other Dynasty heirs make it clear that Jazmine does not belong in their world.  Raphael St. Tristan, heir to the rival sovereign St. Tristan Dynasty and next in line to the throne of Eden, the guy with the face of an angel but who is as wicked as the devil himself, promises to break her.  Jazmine quickly learns that the beauty of Eden is nothing but a deception as she uncovers the secrets festering at the heart of it. But can she disentangle herself from the web of deception and intrigue that the Dynasty heirs have spun? Can she stop herself from falling into Raphael St. Tristan’s trap before he can fulfil his promise to shatter her completely? Or are those stories about Eden true after all and will she be foolish enough to taste the forbidden fruit that is Eden itself?

[grimelords]

Hello I forgot to post my July playlist when July ended so here it is now! It turns out it’s incredible easy to write 1500 words when you’re writing about songs you love so sorry about that. Four hours of top quality bops that range from russian choral music to classic !!!, please enjoy.

Signs Of Life - Arcade Fire: Everyone hated the new album but in my opinion it's not only not bad, but Signs Of Life is one of their best songs yet. Also the video is incredibly good. The Man - The Killers: The Killers are back and they're making good songs again! This song sounds like the bicep emoji! Hung From The Moon - Earth: Accidentally listened to this album a lot in July and kicked off a drone thing that has lasted through august. Elevation - Television: Everyone always talks about the guitars in Television but nobody ever talks about how good the rhythm of the chorus in this song is. Taman Shud - The Drones: Good song to yell along to and the only song I know that uses the word 'inchoate' Mountain Of Air - Ellen Arkbro: I really can't recommend this album enough if you like the sound of having a dream made of brass. South Point - Grizzly Bear: Grizzly Bear are a prog band. Apache (Jump On It) - The Sugarhill Gang: Not only groovy, but racist too. There's a good part where he explains that maize is just corn. What’s A Girl To Do? - Bat For Lashes This is a good song and a great music video Glass - Bat For Lashes: Bat For Lashes does better worldbuilding in this song than most novels. Offering - Cults: I may be the only person in the world who is absolutely gagging for a new Cults album but thank god they're back. Return Of The Mack - Mark Morrison: THE song about being back on your bullshit. Baller Of The Year - ESG: If you play this in your car it automatically starts ghetto swerving AND you start crying. You Know I Wantcha! - Devin The Dude: Incredibly gross song about being very horny by yourself in a strip club for you to listen to. Crawling After You - Bass Drum Of Death: After all this time, this song may be the only thing I love about GTAV. Bad Liar - Selena Gomez Maybe the only Selena Gomez song I've ever heard and it's so SO good. Seven Eight Nine (Part 2) - Kenny Wheeler: I developed a bad habit of listening to ABC Jazz when I couldn't sleep but thankfully I found some real gems doing it. Fine Di Cobb - Originale - Stelvio Cipriani: Yet another fantastic find from spotify's Best Of Eurocrime playlist. A Fifth Of Beethoven - Walter Murphy: It is so funny that Beethoven wrote one of the biggest disco hits of all time. Between this and Wendy Carlos' Switched On Bach there's a very funny history of classical music causing a big stir. The Lighthouse - Amon Tobin: It's crazy that Amon Tobin's best album was the soundtrack to Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory but he really elevated video game music as a whole with this one. If The Brakeman Turns My Way - Bright Eyes: The concept of an opium den with a periscope is very nice to think about. Hold Music - Architecture In Helsinki: Places Like This is an all time classic that nobody respects because people think Heart It Races is a novelty song instead of a masterpiece. I Found A New Chapeau - Jo Jones: "The world's greatest jazz drummer Jo Jones!" goes absolutely off for nine minutes against an organ that sounds like farts. It's Real - Real Estate: [beckons you closer and whispers] it's real real estate Obvs - Jamie xx: In Colour was truly the album of the year cause baby it is simply breathtaking start to finish! Blue Train Lines (feat. King Krule) - Mount Kimbie: I hope King Krule joins Mount Kimbie as a full member because they have such a good thing going. This song took a while to grow on me but now I really cannot wait for their new album. The video for this one is also extremely good even though it required me to read an artist's statement from the directors and a whole wiki article to understand it. Six Days Remix - DJ Shadow: Last month I attended a 17 hour Fast And Furious marathon that has permanently affected my brain chemistry (which I've been meaning to write a long post about) and at the end I was certain of only one thing: the Six Days Remix was the best thing about Tokyo Drift by a country mile and it's easily a top 5 DJ shadow song. Nandi - Jlin: I can't say enough good stuff about this album and this song is an absolute standout. 3 Freaks - DJ Shadow: Everyone's always saying 'oh it was such a mistake for DJ Shadow to abandon his sound after making two critically acclaimed albums pushing sample based music in a new direction and make a hyphy album that everyone hated' but consider this: Turf Talk And Keak Da Sneak Fight For Peace - Frank Klepacki: I developed a brain parasite this month that forced me to become completely obsessed with the 15 year old RTS game Command And Conquer Generals, and then I found out that the soundtrack was on spotify. Sultans Of Swing - Dire Straits: Everyone's always talking about Mark Knopfler being good at guitar or whatever but for my money the drummer is the real mvp of this song, and the part where he just goes ham for like half a bar at about 4:20 really cracks me up. Strangest Thing - The War On Drugs: Literally every song The War On Drugs have released from their upcoming album so far I have absolutely loved and I cannot wait to hear the whole thing. Kyanite - Jlin: Jlin baby!! This is like traditional music from an alien civilisation or something, it's incredible. Sophisticated Lady - Art Tatum: Speaking of music from another planet I firmly belived Art Tatum was touched on the brain by God. Romance Without Finance - Tiny Grimes: Please enjoy this 70 year old song about not dating broke girls, the backing vocals really make me laugh. All Is Written - Matana Roberts: Matana Roberts is a very specific feeling but if you're in the mood for confrontational experimental jazz please get into this whole album. Start with Coin Coin Chapter One if you want the full experience. Time For Us - Nicolas Jaar: I love when Nicolas Jaar does funny voice. In the world I dream of this song is a dancefloor classic. Blanket Me - Hundred Waters: I love Hundred Waters and this song make me so emotional to the point where i'm almost afraid to hear their new album. When The World Was At War We Kept Dancing - Lana Del Rey: Lust For Life is incredible and hearing Lana sing 's it the end of an era? is it the end of America?' is like.. directly targeting my brain stem. I cannot describe how much I instantly fell in love with this song when I first heard it. Jane - Jefferson Starship: The new season of Wet Hot American Summer reminded me how good this song is. I spent like half an hour reading the wiki article about Jefferson Airplain, Jefferson Starship and Starship and how they came to be to my girlfriend this month and let me tell you: she hated it. Take You On A Cruise - Interpol: The instrumentation in this song sounds so much like the xx's first album it is insane. Vegas - Polica: I feel like I have a new favourite Polica song every week they are honestly the best band in the world. Woody's Roundup - Riders In The Sky: Hello, I woke up with the Woody's Roundup theme song from Toy Story 2 in my head one day this month and so I put it on my playlist. It's a good song, highly recommended thanks. All Night Vigil, Op. 37: No. 3, Blessed Is The Man "Beatitude" - Sergei Rachmaninoff: Accidentally got very heavily into this russian orthodox christian choral music this month. Magic Arrow - Timber Timbre: My friend texted me out of the blue saying how good this song is and he's absolutely right. Timber Timbre's self titled is an album i've continually returned to for years now, it's truly something special. Don't Say I Know - Tera Melos: Tera Melos are finally, finally back! And they're making incredible impossible music that's catchy as hell again! Keep The Car Running - Arcade Fire: Had a very intense moment with this song this month, listening to it on repeat and convincing myself that it was coming for me too. Hocus Pocus - Focus: Baby Driver is a good movie! And this song and scene was a real highlight. How Long - Out Hud: Thankyou to @popculturediedin2009 for introducing me to this great song from a !!! side project I never knew about and thankyou to the Lindsay Lohan film I Know Who Killed Me for introducing it to them in the first place. I Can't Turn You Loose - Sly & The Family Stone: The guy making noises into the microphone right at the start is really, really funny and I can't believe it's taken me this long of watching The Blues Brothers pretty regularly to look up the original version of this song. Oh Yeah - The Subways: Rediscovered this album this month after singing Rock And Roll Queen about 20 times in a row with my friends thanks to a Singstar glitch and remembered how I had an absolute breakdown about this song when I was about 19, listening to it on repeat for hours and fretting that I was going to die because I would no longer be a teenager soon. Me And Guiliani Down By The School Yard - A True Story - !!!: Bring back mid-2000s dance-punk we need it now more than ever!

[johannesviii]

The City of the Dead

Some A truckload of highlights of the last EDA I’ve read (The City of the Dead).

I took these screens while reading, along with my reactions. As usual, this is full of spoilers.

Okay, so, just imagine. In a parallel universe, one day, Clive Barker decided to write a Doctor Who story, and even if he tried to seriously tone down his usual mix of strange gore + weird sex + unusual magic, the result was still a bit too much for the series, but so good the BBC published it anyway.

Wouldn't that be great?

Now stop imagining, because it's a book written by Lloyd Rose, and it exists.

It's flawed. Of course. What book isn't? It sidelines Fitz and Anji near the end. Its twist could have used a bit of foreshadowing. It delights a bit too much in torturing Eight. But who cares, honestly. It still transported me in a world where there's real danger, and cute cats, and dark magic, and sugar donuts, and blood spells, and awful and weird and wonderful characters, and nightmares, and laughter. It's an experience, to say the least, and probably not for everybody, but my god, what a ride. 10/10

Okay, so, the only thing I know about this book is that I’ve got one friend who really likes it. And it’s by Lloyd Rose, aka the writer of Caerdroia. Will this book be weird too?

APPARENTLY YES. YES IT WILL. What a start.

Doctor, that’s called sleep paralysis. It might be scary, but nothing bad will actually happen to you, okay? Breathe.

Okay now I’m kind of nervous too.

[Unexpected Scherzo flashbacks]

That’s one of the most unnerving descriptions of Eight I’ve ever seen. Wonderful.

"I believe”

Oh don't start with the Earth Arc feelings...

RELATABLE

Museum of Magic? Take me there.

Art goals.

And the price for best out-of-context sentence goes to...

Excuse me, that's way too cool.

Also, it instantly made me think of which kind of bone I'd cut if I ever wanted to do this. Probably a toe.

So, magic is now a thing in this series. Hasn't been the case since The Scarlett Empress, I believe. Why do I get the feeling I'm gonna say 'that's way too cool' a lot over the course of this story?

I'm cackling

He really doesn't want to admit something's wrong.

Wait wait wait wait. What? The bone charm was in the TARDIS?

Doctor no.

Eight being distracted by donuts in the middle of a discussion about a murder, everybody!

A very nice beach

Hmmm cute? Cute.

The exact kind of offerings I'd like to get once I'm dead.

So, this story seems to be a murder mystery, and the goal is to find who the Magician is. I like it.

The Magician found Eight, then. Maybe he's the source of the nightmares?

Meanwhile, Eight tries to go to a goth party, and it's very awkward and relatable.

And Fitz and Anji are visiting New Orleans at night with a guy who pretends to be a magician, and Fitz keeps ruining his groove.

Swan, you're like a parody of a Mary Sue

GO UP

Meanwhile, Anji and Fitz both want to punch Dupre on the nose and I gotta say... me too.

Every conversation in this fandom ever

Guess that puts Dupre on the suspects list, then.

That sounds like the kind of ludicrously aggressive death electro thing I listen to when I need to use violent lines and colours in a drawing.

I guess we can also put Teddy-weird-artist-Acree on the list of suspects (even though his fear of going downstairs is a pretty good alibi). Also, bonus cat.

THIS CONVERSATION HAS ONLY JUST STARTED AND IT'S ALREADY GOLD

Eight's like "Hmmmm what makes people feel  better, OH I KNOW. CATS. HERE. HAVE A CAT."

THIS IS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER BY THE MINUTE

(mid-liveblog update: I drew that scene before I even finished the book.)

He literally ran away haha.

Teddy Acree is cracking me up, seriously wtf

A perfectly reasonable suggestion, Doctor.

ASDFGHJFF He vaguely remembers the Daleks so he finds saltshakers 'sinister', I'm dead

UNREQUESTED 'THE TURING TEST' FEELINGS

SHIT, THAT HURTS

'What if I'm nuts?' 'I'm rather counting on it'

Interesting.

Eight already regrets starting a discussion with Dupre.

THE UNREQUESTED 'THE TURING TEST' FEELINGS ARE BACK WITH A VENGEANCE

Oh my f█cking god

♫ DO THE CREEP ♫

Aaaaaand I think we can also put Thales on the suspects list.

GOOD SHIT GOOD SHIT

Eight, this is a bad idea.

I love how he's dodging Dupre every time that weirdo tries to touch him.

Also, that's a very relatable reaction.

Eight is like "okay no, I'm way too asexual for this"

THE DOCTOR HAD DECIDED IT WAS ABOUT TIME FOR HIM TO LEAVE

'Hadn't he'

Something was actually summoned??

Can you imagine going home in a corset with spikes because you were stuck in it? Lucky he was here, poor her.

Mood

BIG MOOD

Not exactly a revolutionary development, but interesting nonetheless.

Oooooh. His nightmares are actually trying to take him somewhere?

FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT IN THE BOOKS, EIGHT IS VERY CLAUSTROPHOBIC SO I'M PANICKING A LITTLE BIT TOO

SHIT HE FOUND SEVEN IN HIS LOCKED MEMORIES

He has no way of knowing that was a past version of him, has he?

Okay so the Magician isn't Dupre. Which... isn't very surprising.

‘AN IMP WITH TERRIBLE EYES’

Hey look it's the best meme from 2016

HARSHER IN HI̟͔͈̻͓̱ͅN͓͇͉̗̜D̤̼̻͙S̮̤̱͓I͓G͔͉̱͓̩̦̠H͕̲̯T͖̰͎

10/10 conversation

Thank you for clarifying, Doctor

HOLY SHIT

THIS IS SO COOL

I MEAN I HAD A FRIEND WHO WAS A TAROT NERD AS A KID, AND AAAAH LOOK, THAT'S ALL THE CLASSIC DOCTORS AS MAJOR ARCANA

Of course Seven is the Hanged Man OF COURSE EIGHT IS THE TOWER ASDFGFFH THE FIRST MEANING IS 'BRUTAL CHANGE, DISASTER AND IMPENDING DOOM'

Now I want to draw all these cards with the Doctors on them, haha.

I keep thinking about Twelve putting like ten spoons of sugar in his coffee.

This book is starting to break the record for the most "asexual Doctor" moments. And I’m 100% okay with that.

YOU DON'T SAY.

He also vaguely remembers Faction Paradox!

I love how patient Fitz can be with him when he's not well.

He's in the past now and trying to find the source of the problem. That may be interesting. Or it will just make everything more confusing.

And I think that child might be the Magician.

LOOK AT MY FAVORITE IDIOTS BEING HAPPY FOR ONCE

it won't last long

'Your blood smells funny'

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT she’s some sort of spirit what

UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE WEEK

I'd say 'somebody do something' but I'm sorry this is way too funny.

Probably.

Oh shit what the fuck. Is he planning to sacrifice him or something?

UH

UH

WHY DO I GET THE FEELING THIS SCENE WILL MAKE THE NUMBER OF LINES IN MY "EVERYTHING BAD HAPPENS TO THE EIGHTH DOCTOR" GOOGLE SHEET SKYROCKET

Eight might be the champion of gallows humor... but he's still starting to panic a little bit

The thing with the Doctor is, you know he can't die permanently since it would be the end of the series, but because he can't, they set the damage limit veeeery high, so a scene like this one is wayyy more stressful than it would be with a human main character.

Please be scared by the double heartbeat thing & let him go because I'm also starting to panic there.

THIS SCENE IS BOTH HORRIBLY STRESSFUL AND VERY FUNNY THIS IS CONFUSING

Meanwhile: what the f█ck is Fitz doing

Doctor please try to concentrate on a way to get the hell out of here

HE STILL HASN'T ESCAPED AND FITZ AND ANJI ARE WAY TOO FAR AWAY

UGH STOP MAKING ME LAUGH I'M TOO STRESSED FOR THAT

I SAID STOP IT

EIGHT STOP MAKING ME LAUGH THIS IS BAD

Meanwhile Fitz has decided to investigate a grave in the middle of the night, because why not, also I'm too stressed for that right now, go back to Eight

WHAT THE F█CK ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T GO DOWNSTAIRS WHAT THE F█CK

SHIT SHIT SHIT F█CK HE ACTUALLY DID IT F█CK

TEDDY YOU BASTARD

AQZSDFGHJGFFG F█CK

Meanwhile in the cemetery: I have a new suspect

Okay okay now back to Eight being sacrificed because holy shit

I was about to say 'if he could have done something, he would have done it sooner', but I just realised he expects the invocation to work, and call the thing which is chasing him in his nightmares.

Okay. Okay. That worked. Dupre's dead. Good. F█ck. That was so stressful. Also Eight is probably still bleeding all over the floor, but at least it's over.

TEDDY YOU LITTLE SHIT COME BACK & UNTIE HIM

ASDFGHJKHF

Was it really so difficult to tell the police someone was trying to sacrifice you for some bullshit ceremony? I'm sure they've seen worse.

HAHAHA THAT WHOLE HORRIBLE ORDEAL WAS WORTH IT JUST FOR THIS SCENE

Doctor, no

Asexual Doctor moment number 74612

Fair enough.

HE WAS STILL HIDING IN THE HOUSE

OH NO HAHA

GOOD. Thank you.

If the reveal is something like "hey it was the guy who died at the beginning" I'm gonna be angry.

I must admit no other character we saw so far is the right age to be the kid from the destroyed house. This is getting complicated.

SHIT. SHIT. I completely overlooked that. Good twist.

BAD TIMING BAD TIMING

Wait what the f█ck, if the Magician is attacking Eight right now, he can't be Thales. Who the hell is he, then.

WELL THIS IS NEW

And here we have Fitz trying to pretend he's interested in architecture.

Understandable after the recent events.

OUCH Were these feelings really necessary? I mean this book is intense enough as it is

Teddy is a little shit and at the same time it's impossible to 100% hate the guy, he's like a non-murderous version of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac

He was too obviously weird to be the Magician anyway.

Yeah, we know, Teddy, we watch that show

This whole conversation is gold.

OH SHIT

PLEASE TELL US WHO IT IS, THE SUSPECTS LIST IS NOW VERY THIN.

Wait, it's gonna be someone who already died, isn't it.

Perfectly confusing sentence, thank you Doctor.

Okay so, it's 100% confirmed, it's not Teddy. Not a surprise, but good.

STILL TOO SOON AFTER 23 BOOKS

Are they getting sidelined for the finale? Not sure I like that.

I'm cackling again

WHO IS IT

WHAT

WHAT

HE'S NOT THE RIGHT AGE TO BE THE KID OR THE FATHER WHAT

WHAT THE F█CK HE WASN'T EVEN ON MY RADAR

WELL PLAYED

Oooooooh, he sacrificed his lifespan and so he looks older. Nice trick. Well played.

ALSO I JUST REALISED IT'S THE SAME TWIST THAT THE GAME 'HEAVY RAIN' PULLED AND I FINISHED IT ONLY A FEW MONTHS AGO I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING BUT NO

Ah yes, clearly there wasn't enough physical pain in this book already.

"You don't sound very certain”

This book is so weird, in the best way possible.

Woah the Magician's house nearly works like a TARDIS.

I just had a revelation. Of course I love this book. It's almost a Clive Barker book.

WE FINALLY KNOW WHAT THE TATTOO WAS

I love this f█cking book so much.

I also love Eight's reaction to that reveal.

OH SHIT WHAT

RUST IS USING HIM AS A WEAPON TO CONTINUE HIS VENGEANCE AND RETRIEVE THE AMULET I LOVE THIS

HOLY SHIT EIGHT

He's gonna leave him to... weird swamp creatures which are supposed to guard him while Rust is away, and I'm sure everything is gonna be fine RIGHT

'It's as if there were somebody else living in here with me'

I KNEW IT THAT WAS A BAD IDEA

WHAT THE F█CK did the swamp things trapped him in an imaginary world?

How long has he been there??

Everytime there's a good scene about the contents of the Doctor's pockets in these books, there's a better one in one of the next books, I swear. But I still doubt this one can be beaten.

That explains so much about the random cup of tea Twelve had in the middle of Skaro in The Witch's Familiar, too.

Third screen about the contents of the Doctor's pocket, because I'm still not tired of that.

Mrs Flood has access to this place. Is it an actual place then?

Asexual Doctor moment number 87454

Mrs Flood, NO.

Wait a second, is this place some sort of fairy realm? Is that why he refuses to eat anything here except what's in his own pockets?

Are... are you attempting to escape this realm by walking

Oooh isn't that the cover of the book?

Good point. Also I'm glad they're back in the plot.

I'M HOWLING

FITZ NO

AZSDFGHJ ANJI NO

OH SHIT SHE GUESSED WHO THE MAGICIAN WAS?! GOOD JOB ANJI

Friendly reminder: I love these two idiots.

FITZ TRYING TO PILOT THE TARDIS, EVERYBODY

THEY ACTUALLY SUCCEEDED

So it WAS some sort of fairy realm, woah.

WAIT WHAT

SECOND TWIST WHAT

RUST ISN'T THE KID EIGHT HAS SAVED?

THALES? IT'S THALES??

Wait wait wait, Teddy said Thales wasn't human either, didn't he?

Ooooh Thales is another Naiad!!

OH SHIT OH F█CK OH LORD

EIGHT, PLEASE NEVER DO THAT AGAIN

So he really was using the Void to track Eight, after all. The nightmares about Nothing chasing him were entirely justified and not a metaphor at all!

HOLY SHIT EIGHT NO BAD PLAN

The finale of this book is literally the concept of Nothing saving the day while Eight literally yells into the uncaring infinity of the Void. What can I even say about that.

He doesn't belong in the Void after all, so it can't really claim him. That should convince him he's not a complete monster, after all. Good. Good and nice ending.

Oh that's even better.

Good.

[teddyylou]

Lance’s Birthday 2017!!!

Read on Ao3 xx

______________________

Keith sat hunched over on his bed, legs swung over the side bouncing up and down in anticipation and frustration as he thought, writing down and scribbling out idea after idea into a purple note book given to him by the Blade on one of his most recent visits. He sighed in defeat as he completed yet another page of crappy, dead end ideas that were just not good enough. Now people had called Keith a perfectionist in the past; whether it be at the Garrisons or in training on the ship even back when he was a kid and he was the only one bothering to colour in the lines and with the right colours. But nothing, nothing ever, had come close to how hard he was trying right now. He needed the perfect gift for Lance this time. Better than perfect; one that showed lance exactly how much he cared about the boy, which was a lot. 

Keith and Lance had been dating for just over a month now. After ages of admittedly embarrassing pining and awkward flirting, a near death experience during battle had sent feelings flying everywhere between the two rivals and it was a match made in heaven. Every single day since then had been bliss for Keith and seeing Lance get homesick often or space out and grow quiet, or worst of all when he overcompensated and grew too loud, hating on himself for it later hurt Keith to witness and he wanted nothing more then to help his boyfriend feel better and know he was loved; by everyone on the ship but especially him. 

Keith began to crinkle the sides of the paper he was writing on due to his tightening grip on his notebook. None of these ideas were good enough and his brain was practically fried. Lance’s birthday was two days from now and he had nothing. What kind of a boyfriend was he? Keith attempted to have another crack at writing some more ideas, trying to pull them out of the paper with his intense stare as he re-read over his work, but he was completely blank. 

The sound of the automatic metal doors to their shared room opening made Keith jump, quickly stashing his notebook under his pillow, still in his hands, pretending that he had fallen asleep on top of the blankets fully clothed again, hoping that Lance didn’t see what he had been doing. Lance would find it weird, that he was trying to hard. Or maybe want to see what he had come up with and think that Keith didn’t know him at all. Keith knew everything about Lance, he had made it his goal ever since they went to space after learning that he was a lot deeper of a person then he came across as. That boy had so many layers and Keith wanted to see all of them and love all of them. He knew Lance and he knew he could find the perfect thing for him, he just hadn’t found it yet.

Lance walked up to Keith without a word, stopping for a second to see if Keith was asleep. Keith couldn’t tell if Lance thought he was asleep or not but continued to flop right on top of him either way. The Blue Paladin tangled his legs with the squished boy under him, wrapping his arms around him as Keith let out a groan. 

“I’m sleepy.” he yawned as he cuddled his head into Keith’s back, making himself comfortable. “So was I, if you didn’t notice, I was asleep.” Keith lied as he let go of the notebook under his pillow, attempting to throw his boyfriend off him, and succeeding. He pushed his notebook back behind his bed while he watched Lance tumble to the floor, landing with his face on the floor and his butt in the air.

“Always a class act, you are!” Keith said with a smirk, sitting up with his arms crossed, proud of his actions. “More elegant them you Mullet.” Lance bantered back flawlessly as he pushed himself up with his hands into a standing position again. “Oh so we are back to Mullet are we?” retorted Keith, beaming at the fluidity of their words, no longer awkward and flustered like when they first got together.

“You didn’t mind last night.” Lance quipped as he moved closer to Keith to has positioned himself back with his feet on the floor, ready to attack back at whatever Lance would say next. “What are you even talking about?” Keith rolled his eyes, wrapping his arms around his boyfriends waist and pulling him close so that his chin was resting on Lance’s stomach, looking up into his massive blue eyes, still breathtaking through the masses of bloodshot veins and deep purple circles. 

“I told you… I’m sleepy.”

“I can see that.” Replied Keith empathetically, they had all been thrown into this war that none of them had started. The fate of the whole universe was on their shoulders. Lance’s back felt tense where Keith soothed it gently, and he felt so fragile under his touch.

“Come to bed, Lance, you need it. Here let me help you.” Lance let Keith take his hand and help him lift his shirt over his head. Keith stripped himself down to his boxers while Lance did the same before they both climbed under the covers of their bed which was probably too small for the both of them but they made it work. 

Keith wrapped his arms around Lance; he may have been slightly taller than Keith but the two always switched when it came to things like spooning and cuddling. Lance rested his head in Keith’s armpit and let out a content sigh, closing his eyes instantly and getting impossibly closer without saying a word. The Red Paladin twas sure that the boy in his arms was asleep after a few minutes of silence but just as Keith began to drift off to Lance began to speak.

“My family would already be setting up for my birthday back on Earth. I never really wanted them to make such a fuss, but they insisted. Could you imagine? No normal people start preparing that early.” He mumbled tiredly. 

Keith was about to make a remark about how he was in disbelief that Lance ever didn’t want the spotlight; but right now he knew that his boyfriend needed to let this out so he hummed in acknowledgement while stroking Lance’s hair, letting him continue to ramble.

“I wonder what they are doing now, you know?” Are they setting up a party? Maybe they are setting up a memorial. Maybe they aren’t doing anything at all.” Keith had to stop him there. When Lance got homesick his insecurities started to show. He would second guess every breath and make profound conclusions like this one, that were detrimental to his mental health.

“Lance… your family love you. I bet they are still searching for you this very moment. They are probably at the Garrison right now, making a big scene, demanding that they bring us all home. No one could ever forget you.” He leaned his head down at an awkward angle to place a kiss on the top of Lances head as he continued to play with his soft hair. He held Lance just a bit tighter, hoping it would make him feel secure and safe. 

Lance looked up at Keith, eyes bright in the dark room, sad, even with the small smile resting on his lips.

“Thanks Keith. But I don’t want them making a big fuss over me this year either. Even though I know it’s impossible, all I want for my birthday is to somehow let them know that I am okay, so they can be at ease and stop searching.” He said sadly.

Keith stopped moving for a second, letting Lances words roll over in his head. As much as he wanted to be the one to give that to Lance, he too knew that it was impossible. “I’m sorry I can’t give that to you.”

“It’s okay. No one can.” 

With that Lance shut his eyes once more and returned to the safety of his boyfriend’s arms. Keith held him tighter than he ever had; even tighter than when the heating had broken in the castle two weeks ago, he thought. 

He listened to Lances heart beat against his ribs, he felt Lances breaths even into a deep sleep out as it blew against his skin. He watched him for ages, just admiring his beauty. How had he ever gotten so lucky to be with Lance; and for Lance to even like him back. It always had amazed him how Lance could make friends with literally anyone. Whether it be on Earth or on any planet they picked randomly on Allura’s map. His usual self was so outgoing and brilliant even if he didn’t think so himself. Keith was in awe of his abilities though. He himself was never able to approach anyone in any sort of social situation and hell would of broken loose if he was ever in charge of keeping the peace. Lance was so good at that. He always saw the best in everyone, he saw the best in Keith. When Keith was around Lance he felt like a better person an he knew that only Lance could have that effect on him. Now he only needed something to show Lance so that he would actually believe it.

Keith found it really hard to sleep that night, ideas pondering in his head, seeming to get somewhere but then missing the target and disappearing into the abyss. He could get something from the Earth store on the swap moon… No, that is too obvious. Maybe he could draw a picture of… nope, terrible.

Keith always found himself circling back to what Lance had said earlier. About what he really wanted. He wanted to go home. You would have to be senseless to not notice that Lance missed Earth. Keith didn’t have anything to go home to, but Lance had everything. He had a home, friends, places to go, a school to attend. Lance has such a bright future on earth. Sure that future would be exploring space, which he was doing, but he would be able to share it all with the people he loved; other then Keith of course. People he loved more than anything.

There was no way he could give lance what he really wanted. Like Lance had said, it was essentially impossible. It was too far away to make a short trip and no wormhole could be made long enough to get a real visit in. What if the castle was attacked while they were down there?

As much as he wanted to grant Lance’s wish, he just couldn’t and he needed to accept that. But Keith was still Keith and he would never in a million light years accept defeat. He would have to find something close to it. Not in distance but something else. He could feel a plan brewing, one that wouldn’t lead to a dead end. It was just what he needed.

By then, Keith’s eyes were drooping, too heavy to keep open any longer. With one last stroke of the brunette’s naturally curly, absolutely gorgeous hair, Keith fell into a well needed and well deserved slumber himself.

_____________________________________

The next morning, Keith woke up barley opening his eyes as the world slowly came back to him. He sat for a moment, willing himself to get up when he noticed that a usual weight was missing from his arms, causing him to open his eyes suddenly and sit up; not taking the time to adjust to the castle’s ‘Daylight’ system before looking around the room. Lance was nowhere to be found and there was no music playing from the bathroom which meant that he wasn’t there either. It would have been no problem for Keith except that Lance almost never woke up earlier than him and if he did he would have woken Keith up too so that he wouldn’t be lonely. 

Keith slowly dragged himself out of bed to track down his missing boyfriend. He found some clean clothes that were probably Lance’s as they felt a bit big but it didn’t matter as all of their clothes were thrown together anyway and they often shared. After fixing himself up so that he could actually see through his bed hair, Keith left the room assuming that Lance had gone to start that early morning training that he had mentioned wanting to do a few weeks back. But after searching the training deck to only find Shiro doing his usual exercises, the hangers and the games room, Keith figured it was time for everyone to be up anyway and that they had probably found him before he did.

Keith’s theory was proven true as he entered the kitchen to see Hunk serving up some interesting looking, purple waffle type thing to a hunched over Blue Paladin on the end of the table. Everyone else seemed to be chatting happily to each other, Coran and Pidge were in an intense looking conversation over a hologram of a rare mineral and Hunk was sliding into the seat across from Allura and the grumpy pilot. Keith stood in the doorway a little longer, trying to figure out what was up before being passed by Shiro who greeted him happily with a pat on the shoulder.

“Morning Keith. You just gonna stand there or you do you feel like being a human today.” He joked at the teen. He wasn’t even the angsty brooding one today; he was going to be in a second though, if he didn’t fix this. Keith let out a small breath like laugh and Shiro went to join Coan and Pidge. Keith returned his gaze back to Lance before deciding that the best way to do this was to be calm and quiet about it.

This proved to be easier said than done when he began to make small movements towards Lance. He knew that it was most likely the whole going back to Earth thing or more lack thereof; but everything in Keith’s head was telling him that it was his fault. Had he not responded the way that Lance wanted him to? Should he have offered Lance some advice or do more to comfort him. 

These thoughts lead Keith all of the way to the head of the table next to Lance where he was greeted by the others along with his own serve of purple waffle things along with a warm smile from Hunk who appeared to be attempting to telepathically send him the message that Lance was not okay and that if it was his fault he would be dinner. Keith just nodded at the Yellow Paladin silently and sat down in his chair.

Keith pulled his chair slightly closer to Lances which caused him to finally look up in realisation that someone had joined them. He offered Keith a half hearted smile before returning his laser stare back to his waffles. Keith lent over and pressed a kiss to the side of Lance’s head, a common sight for the other members of team Voltron which Keith hoped would mean that it wouldn’t turn to many heads. He took this as an opportunity to whisper to Lance in a more incognito fashion.

“You okay babe?” He said under his breath into Lance’s hair. Lance let out a small nod and closed mouth grin as he kept himself up with his arms folded on the table. His facial expression, however, did not fool Keith one bit. “Please tell me, we can  go somewhere else. Is it about last night, should I have said something, should I not have?” He continued in his hushed tone. At hearing this, Lance let his hands drop to his sides as he abruptly turned to look Keith straight in the eyes. He looked like he had had even less sleep than usual. 

He leaned their foreheads together so that they could continue their quiet conversation. “No, you did nothing wrong at all.” Lance spoke softly. He let out a slightly more convincing chuckle as he went on, Keith still wasn’t sure if it was genuine though. “I must just really be feeling this war right now. I’m all good.” He was acting like usual Lance again, all confident in how he said his words but something was up. 

Keith looked to Hunk for help as Lance’s gaze dropped to his feet, hoping that his friend could offer some suggestions or tell him if he was overreacting. Maybe he was pushing it. Maybe Lance really was just tired. He didn’t want to make it worse by making his boyfriend snap. He thanked the universe for his quick minded friend when he turned to get Lance’s attention by changing the subject even though it was probably tried about ten times while Keith was still convincing Blue to tell him where Lance was. 

“Hey Lance, Buddy, your birthday is coming up isn’t it? What flavour would you like your cake to be. I could try chocolate, I mean, it wouldn’t be actual chocolate, but it would taste like it…” Hunk went on. Keith loved his friend but that maybe wasn’t the best topic to choose. Lance looked around a the table of people who had stopped what they were doing to listen in to the party planning at hand. “Oh yeah sounds great, thanks man.” His voice came out a little shaky. “But um, whatever is fine really. I’,m sure it will taste great. Hey Allura, did you try these waffles they are really good too. I mean, if my cake is half as good as this then it will be a good birthday. Did you ever have anything like these on Altea?”

And like that the subject was changed and completely avoided. Lance was seemingly normal, louder than moments ago and smiling wide. Keith could tell that his heart wasn’t into it. Hunk just shrugged at him. He was about to try and interject again but decided against it. He had pushed too much for now. He didn’t need to cause more stress for Lance. 

“Oh I’ve seen that before!” Cried Coran, standing from his chair at his discovery. “Nothing a good old trip to the swap moon couldn’t achieve. It would only be a short distance away from where we are now anyway.” Coran and Pidge shared a fist bump, which had become an official thing for him since Hunk taught him how to do it properly. He loved some of the ‘Crazy Earth Rituals’ as he liked to call them. 

The Space Mall, perfect! Keith still hadn’t gotten anything for Lance and maybe a trip there would inspire him to get the best gift that would knock the sadness right out of the brunette. Keith hid his excitement as he cleared his throat. “Actually Coran, I could use some time out of the Castle, I would be happy to accompany you.” “Great! I love company! Also you might be helpful if we run into any more pirates.” Keith decides to leave it there and not question Coran’s statement. He felt bad for leaving Lance by himself but maybe this exactly what the needed to help Lance. Besides, Hunk and Pidge were there and couldn’t really do anything until they got the mineral or whatever it was so they could just hang with him. 

The ride to the Space Mall was actually slightly longer than Keith had expected which was probably a good thing because it gave him  more time to plan what he would get for Lance while he listened to Coran explain what the mineral would do and where they could find it, a bit about its origins and some old memories from when he was Keith’s age and wanted to buy a space bike from this particular swap moon pirate. To stay it didn’t go well would be fairly accurate.

Soon enough they were standing in the very familiar main entrance of the Space Mall. Okay, so I need to head this was for about thirty or so quintares. Did you want to come with or do you want to look around? We don’t get to come here that often. I did promise Allura something sparkly after all.” He laughed to himself. 

“Um yeah actually. Do you remember where that Earth store was?” He shrugged nervously.

“Quite positively. Just up two floors and right down the end.” he dragged out the emphasis on ‘right’. This was going to be fun. The two team members split ways and after what felt like ages, Keith stepped cautiously into the empty store. “Hi, Welcome! Would you like to try the latest Earth fashions?” He was greeted in a loud booming voice. “Ahh, I, no. I’m just looking around that’s all.” he stuttered out trying to get away from the alien as quickly as possible. Nothing against him, he just needed to take his time and find the right thing, but also hurry and get back to the castle. 

Keith looked through shelves and shelves of old collected Earth things. Eighties pop art posters and picture frames of photos from Earth wars, little toy trains and cassette tapes. Everything was cute and reminded him slightly of what Earth would be like. But there were no beaches no Cuba no Space things. Why would aliens wanting Earth stuff want space stuff. None of the crappy modern pop that Lance like was in stock. Only classical symphonies and country vinyls to be found. Keith would never hear the end of it if he brought those home. Keith thought that maybe if there was like a beach postcard or a small jar of sand, maybe a musical instrument that would remind Lance of his family. Nothing. Everything was rather American or European, which wasn’t bad for a space alien to find but it wasn’t what the needed.

Keith was on the last shelf of the store, right up the back and was beginning to lose hope when his eyes came across a very old, slightly frayed wicker picnic basket, opened to display a full set of picnic ware. For some reason this intrigued Keith. A picnic? Lance never specified if he liked them. He never said he hated them. Why did he seem so drawn to it then? Where would they even go? The castle? It’s not even like they could go picnic on the beach. He didn’t know any planets near them who had beaches like Earth. Even though there must be some, Keith didn’t even know if there were any beaches like on Earth. 

Then it hit him, he might not know about the planets outside of the Milky Way, but he knows two people who have one giant map of the entire universe who would. He grabbed the basket instantly shoving his hand into his pocket to grab some money which he basically threw at the Alien cashier. He tried to get away as quick as he could but not before the alien chucked in a free Elvis bobblehead and one of the country vinyls. 

Keith was sure he looked like a mad man, sprinting down the shopping centre halls, eye’s like moons and his tongue hanging out just a bit in concentration. He almost missed Coran entirely, who was waiting for him at the entrance. “I see you found something. What a good way to store silverware.” He responded casually as they began walking, basket tucked securely under Keith’s arm. “Did you find something for Allura.” Keith reminded Coran. “Yep, magnificent artefact.” He said pulling a candelabra looking thing out of his bag. It was hideous, but it did sparkle. “I bet she will love it.” He said, even though she actually probably would. 

As Keith piloted red back to the Castle, he chatted to Coran in the passenger seat behind him. “I wanted to get him something to do with being at home. You know how he gets.” “Certainly. It’s a shame to see him like that. Always so happy, but then he becomes someone else altogether.” “He wants to see the beach. He wants to go home. I understand. Hey Coran are there many planets with beaches like Earth?” “Oh yeah, plenty. The water probably isn’t water in a great deal of them but there will always be a handful.” “Any around here?” “Maybe. Allura could check for you once we get back. You could take your plate container and give it to him there.”

Once they landed safely back in the hangar, Keith practically ran to his room to stash the basket under his bed next to his notebook which he was yet to pick up. He was worried when he went barging in that Lance would be in there and see, but he remembered that it was still a normal day and he was probably at afternoon training. His next goal was to find Allura and it was as if the universe was on his side as she was right there in the control room, planning out their course. 

“Hey Allura.” Keith made himself known to her as he entered the room. “Oh, hello Keith, you back already. I thought Coran would be bargaining up a storm for hours.” “He was very well behaved this time.” He joked. “Anyway, I was wondering if you could help me. I’m planning something for Lance’s birthday tomorrow-” “Oh yes! Hunk and I have been putting together plans all day. I hope this cheers him up!” 

Keith smiled at the thought of Lance having a proper party like at home. “Hunk was explaining the basics of a human party to me earlier. It’s going to be very human.” She tried. Keith let out a chuckle at her attempt to describe the party. “I was wondering if maybe in the evening, I could take him out of the castle, just the two of us. Are there any planets I could fly to from here with beaches like Earth?” He asked hopefully. 

“Allura scrunched up her mouth and tapped her chin in thought. Her eyes lit up as she threw her hand upwards signalling her computer to open the map. She began scrolling around slowly as she spoke. “I think there is one over in the Minkus Nebula. The water will be slightly tealer than on Earth and there are three suns, but you can swim and there is what you essentially would call sand. There are trees similar to Earth and if you left at about noon you would have about two hours before the sunset to spend how you please.” She stopped her finger on a point on the map zooming in. it really did look like Earth. 

“Thank you so much Allura!” Keith said, almost running to hug her. Almost, but not quite.

“No problem, Keith! Lance will be back to happiness and efficiency in no time! Plus the only thing inhabiting the planet are small fish so you won’t be eaten by giant bugs or mole people.”

“Thanks.” he said again, slightly calmer. “Good to know.”

Keith went to a late training session that night to make up for his day away with Coran and it was almost midnight when he got back. He expected Lance to be asleep already but instead found him on the floor with the blanket from their bed pulled of it and wrapped around him. He sat and stared at the picture of his family that they had hung on the wall. 

Keith wanted to say something but he seemed so distant it felt wrong to bring him back. He silently walked past Lance into their bathroom to wash away the day. By the time he got out and was dressed he checked his watch to find that it was only three minutes to midnight. He sat down next to Lance, leaning against the bed, Lance instantly wrapped the quilt around him too and cuddled into Keith’s neck without a word. Keith kept an eye on his watch counting down the seconds until it beeped. Lance looked up at the sound and then smiled up at Keith. “Happy Birthday Baby.” Keith whispered.

______________________________________________

Early the next morning Keith’s watch alarm went off sending a vibration against his stomach. He did this so it would only wake up him and not Lance. It may have if Lance had been laying in his arms or vice versa but Lance really hadn’t been himself and was not in the mood for cuddling last night. Keith knew it wasn’t anything he had specifically done wrong, Lance just needed space, he understood completely. He was homesick and his birthday reminded him too much of his family. Maybe he didn’t understand completely as he had never had a family to miss other then Shiro, but he understood Lance enough to know what he needed. 

He slipped out of bed, careful not to wake the birthday boy who was sleeping peacefully against the wall. He dressed quickly, deciding upon a messy ponytail instead of attempting to battle his bed hair before going to help with the rest of the team with the party. When he got down to the control room the team already had the task of decorating in full swing and Keith happily went to help Pidge who was struggling to stand on a stool while hanging some streamers from the roof, even if he himself wasn’t that much taller.

“We literally can turn the gravity off, why aren’t we doing that?” Complained the Green Paladin.

“Do you want to scrape the cake off the roof? Because I don’t.” Chipped in Hunk who was on the floor surrounded by balloons from the Earth shop. 

Keith helped Shiro and Coran bring in all of Lance’s favourite foods and desserts that they had all tried to recreate as best they could before he decided that it was probably best to get Lance before he woke up himself and ruined the surprise. “Are you sure you guys will finish before we get back?” He questioned the team. “Yes, we only have the finishing touches before we can go and hide.” Chirped Allura, clapping her hands in excitement. 

With that Keith left the room on a mission to collect his boyfriend. He made his way back to their room and shuffled in quietly, sure to not wake Lance. He let go of the breath he was holding as the door shut itself behind him without disturbing the sleeping beauty. He went over to the bed and kneeled on the end of it, leaning over just enough that he could gently shake Lance. Lance slowly fluttered his eyes open with a tired groan. A smile was still perched on his face as he noticed his waker, he seemed to be much happier after a decent sleep. Maybe he had forgotten what day it was. 

“Wake up Birthday Boy.” Keith smiled, taking a chance, hoping that it didn’t make Lance upset again. His smile didn’t falter so Keith moved closer to give him a hug. They laid in a comfortable, happy silence, just enjoying each others company. Lance rolled over to be facing Keith smile still resting on his face easily, like it was glad to be back. “What a good wake up.” Lance mumbled tiredly, much like two nights ago before Lance was sad, the kind of tired mumble that Keith found adorable and irresistible. “I like your hair like that too.” He added, patting the back of Keith’s head gently with his fingers. “Come on, we need to get up, I have to show you something.” Keith said beginning to get up but Lance grabbed his wrist. “No, stay, we can go later.” He closed his eyes again and pulled Keith back onto the mattress. “Laaance…” He drawled out. 

He ended up resorting to dragging his boyfriend out of bed. Lance didn’t even bother getting into proper clothes as he had slept in sweat pants and a baggy shirt anyway, so he let Keith lead him by the hand all the way to just before the door to the control room would sense them and open. “Ok Lance, ready for your surprise?” He asked and Lance nodded so he stepped behind his taller boyfriend having to get on his toes to cover his eyes and lead him forward. 

He stopped right when Lance was in the middle of the room. He looked around first before he letting Lance see and he was truly impressed. There was small lions hanging from the ceiling and the present table may have only held a small amount but it was so bright and colourful and he knew it was perfect. He also took the time to notice that Allura truly had gone all out recreating an ‘Earth style’ party, but may have gotten somethings lost in translation after spotting homemade versions of pin the tail on the donkey and twister.

He could barely keep the smile off his face as he took his hands away and everyone jumped out from their spots.

“SURPRISE LANCE!” they all shouted in unison, except for Pidge who leaped out next to Lance with a party blower, sounding it very loudly over the shouts. Lance was speechless for a moment, looking around at every detail, laughing and smiling, eyes lighting up at every new part.

“You guys did this all for me?” He asked, pointing to his chest. “Of course we did,” replied Keith, taking Lances hand in his own. “You missed home so much and we wanted to give you the best home like birthday we could even though we couldn’t actually go there.” “You guys are the best friends I could ever ask for. Thanks so much!” He said, so overwhelmed that Keith thought he was about to cry.

Lance didn’t get much time after that to get emotional as he was dragged straight into the party and it took off. They told stories from the garrison and listened to Lance talk about his family. Allura and Coran crushed it at musical statues and were really getting into these Earth games until someone let it slip that they weren’t often played at teenagers parties unless there was a certain level of alcoholic beverages involved. 

“What! Why didn’t anyone tell me!” Allura cried. “No it’s fine, it reminds me of my little siblings parties or my nieces and nephews. It was secretly my favourite part anyway, I think everyone could tell though.” Lance assured her.

The team ate, gave Lance his presents and played more games, Shiro almost literally crushing Pidge in an intense game of twister. Everyone was enjoying themselves as they chatted away happily like there wasn’t even a war going on at all and eventually Keith finds Lance and pulls him aside.

“I never got to give you my present.” Whispered Keith thinking back to the picnic basket and towels already loaded into Red’s cockpit. “You didn’t have to get me anything. The party was already enough for me.” He smiled, pulling Keith in towards him by his waist. “Well, I did, let me show you.”

Keith snuck Lance down to the hangars and into Red. “Ooh, are we going somewhere?” Lance bounced excitedly on the balls of his feet before taking a seat. “You’ll see.” Was all Keith replied with as he took hold of Red’s controls and entered in the coordinates to the GPS.

Soon they approached the planet and Keith saw Lance slowly get up with a frown and move to the glass to get a better look at their destination. He looked down at the floor and then to Keith. 

“What planet is that, is that where we are going?”  He asked. “Yeah, Allura helped me find it. It has beaches…” He tried to sell it. He knew that Lance thought that the blue coloured Planet was Earth for a split second but he hoped that once they got down there it would be all better. “Thank you Keith!” He replied before pressing his face back to the glass to observe the dark green landforms that were getting closer and closer to them.

Keith landed Red down right on the sand like beach, which  to be fair, could have fooled anyone.

“Wow, it really is like Earth. I can’t believe this!” Lance yelled like an excited child, crinkling his toes in the sand.

“So you like it?” Asked Keith as he dropped their stuff onto a spot a few meters away from the teal water. “Are you kidding? I love it! It’s been so long since I have seen an actual ocean that wasn’t lava or acid. The trees are like, real trees and the sky is kinda blue. It’s perfect!”

They had landed around what they counted to be about two or three o’clock in the afternoon so after a quick change into their swimmers they spent the afternoon splashing around in the water, sharing a lunch of leftover party food and building a fire as the three suns that burned in the sky sunk lower and lower on the horizon.

The two raced each other back to the shore after one more go in the water before laying down on a towel together to watch the last of the day’s light disappear. Keith laid his head on Lances arm as he watched Lance a little more than the view because the fire dancing off Lance’s tan skin was more ‘once in a lifetime’ to Keith then any sunset. 

“Best birthday ever?” He said as he rubbed circles into Lances hip. “Best birthday ever.”

[boo-its-apa]

stop blowing up the bank

"OMG! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU GUYS IN LIKE, EVER!"

We groaned in answer.

It was 11am on a Saturday, far too early for any normal person to meet in a café. Then again Katy wasn't a normal person.

We sat in a booth, far too restrictive if you ask me, Katy and I sat on one side and Lizzie on the other. The atmosphere was hostile, but Katy had clearly missed the "we hate eachother why the hell would you put us less than 10 feet away from eachother" memo.

I studied Lizzie. She was in a perfect position, sunlight oozing onto her like an angel of all good things. Lizzie was the epitome of sugar and spice and all things nice, and her tanned complexion, golden hair in a loose french plait, with loose strands that caressed her face just as I longed t- I mean just as delicately as she talked supervillains into redemption, and soft features, certainly didn't help that assumption. Well, that along with her being New York's prime superhero (heroine? Is it superheroine?). Which paired with the fact that I was her arch-nemesis, made my attracti- I mean our situation even sadder.

Ahem. So, there we were glaring daggers at each other as a way of suppressing the urge to have a throwdown in the middle of a suburban café.

"Ahem,", Katy interjected, "sorry to interrupt your eye-f*cking which is über cute btws, but I've gotta run: get this, MY AUNT HAS GONE INTO LABOUR!" We blushed, her a delicate tinge of pink that brushed her cheekbones and me full on beetroot red. With a not-very-well-concealed wink and an even less concealed squeal, she grabbed her bag and ran off.

"How many times has she gone into labour now?"

"5 times." , Lizzie answered, without batting a eyelash. A very long, luscious eyelash, that I didn't notice, I should mention.

We sat in silence for a few awkward minutes; her tapping at her phone and me fiddling with my sleeves. I had decided to go femme with today's look: with fishnet stockings, heeled black doc Martin's, embroidered with roses and an oversized black tee, acting as a dress, with a black belt and you guessed it, a black, long-sleeved  fishnet t-shirt underneath. I had really embraced my villainous fashion sense.

"Why did you try to steal 5,493,672.29 pounds from the bank?"

I started, her sharp voice piercing through my hazy daydreams. One more thing I forgot to say about Lizzie, AKA Little Miss Sunshine: don't let her Golden Girl looks fool you: she's a tough ol' girl.

"Rubbing it in are you? Not very heroic."

"Don't avoid the question. Why?"

"Who wants to know?"

I recoiled from her fierce glare. I shrugged. " 'Cause.", I mumbled.

"Because what?"

"'Cause I wanted to."

She rolled her eyes and looked around as if to say, "is anyone else seeing this?".

"Do you honestly think I'm dumb enough to fall for that?"

"Um, yeah?"

"No, I am not!", she exploded, which got a few questioning glances.

She smiled her trademark soft smile, renowned for its calming ability at the audience.

"Anyway,", she looked back to me and leaned forward in her seat, fingertips pressed together, " back to the matter at hand. I'm curious. Why that exact? Do you hate me so much that you'd mess with me to that degree? And what would you do with that money?"

"Y'know, villainous stuff." I refused drop my indifference.

" How is that you have been my most formidable enemy, yet you say things like that?"

I glanced around to check for eavesdroppers and beckoned her forwards. She readily came. "It's a skill."

With an annoyed humph, she dropped back into her seat and pouted a little. Those soft, peach lips cannot be PG.

"I know."

I put my feet on the table with a satisfying thunk. "What do you know?"

"Why you won't tell me."

"Oh, really? Well humour me."

"You're not a great villain, you know."

I raised an eyebrow. "Coming from the person who literally called me her most formidable enemy."

"Yes, admittedly, you are good at what you do, but what you do isn't villainy."

"Is that so? If you are such an expert, enlighten me, oh mistress."

"You don't want to take over the universe and you don't want to destroy the universe. Sounds pretty small town antagonist to me." She had kicked up her feet, mirroring me.

I lowered my feet and stiffly retorted, "And you know this how?"

She shrugged, feigning indifference.

I could feel my temper rising, along with the heat in my cheeks. Do not get angry. It would mean defeat. And Black Ice doesn't do defeat.

She plastered a playful smirk on her face and I recognised the woman behind the mask. The woman who I had undoubtedly fallen in love with.

"In fact, I bet you have some kind of past. Someone forcing you to be a villain." I clenched my fists. She pouted sarcastically. "Is it the daddy? Did your mummy die when you were young and your daddy forgot to kiss your boo-boo better?"

My vision tinted red, threatening to spill out and raze the earth to the ground. My fingernails dug half moons into my palms, pain pricking tears into my eyes. I wouldn't cry. Black Ice doesn't cry. Isabelle doesn't cry. I gritted my teeth, waiting until the pain resided. The black hole that was left filled with the only other emotion I knew how to fill it with.

I stood up, grabbing her upper arm and dragged her to the toilet, ignoring the eager stares of the customers. I found an out of order sign, hung it on the door and slammed it shut.

She had the nerve to look extremely surprised and equally pretty. She didn't have the nerve to laugh and regret coloured her face. None of this did anything for my anger, however.

"YOU WANT TO F*CKING KNOW WHY I WANTED TO F*CKING STEAL THAT MONEY? WELL I'LL SHOW YOU."

I grabbed her by the wrist and in a whirl of darkness, we appeared on my street, a dodgy part of the neighborhood, known for its dabbling in the illegal. In the dimly lit window of the house next door, a child played with a filthy plush dog. Inhuman screams resounded through the thick smog as the sound of glass shattering made the child flinch. A man staggered into the room, screaming obscenities at the child, who scuttled into the corner in fright. He grabbed her by the filthy jumper and threw her across the room. A hand weakly tugged on my sleeve and I turned, wiping my eyes on my clenched palms. Tears tracks glistened on her face, realisation widening her eyes.

I pulled her closer, taking the chance to revel in her closeness and warmth before teleporting back into the toilets.

She slumped against the sink, tears freely dripping off her face into the sink. That scene was ingrained into my mind, and all the variations that I'd watched through the window, wishing, hoping, wanting to do something, to help.

"I'm so sorry."

I looked up in surprise to see a tear stained, tanned face with swirling hazel eyes, filled with devastation, regret, realisation and something I couldn't quite pinpoint. "I-I didn't know. I shouldn't have pushed you so far just to get ans-"

"Shut up. I know. You couldn't have known and that's exactly what I expected from you."

"You knew that I was playing you?"

I laughed a humourless, dry laugh. "No, but now that I think about it, that sounds like exactly something you'd do."

I shifted closer, both of us leaning against the sinks. Not quite comfortable silence descended.

"She has leukemia. The parents can't afford to pay for surgery. The dad is as sh*tty as they get and the mum stands by, gets beaten up and watches as her daughter gets abused. I babysit her. Well, kidnap actually, but it's not like the parents realise. She's a joy and a beauty. Playful, innocent and a vivid imagination. Kind of, remind me of me as a child, I guess."

She turned to look at me, fury and determination hardening her gaze. "When do you need the money?"

I stared at her, shock dropping my jaw. "Really? You'd do that? Seriously?" I jumped for joy, squealing in excitement. Without thinking, I grabbed her by the waist and spun her round, the world fading, leaving joy and something I hadn't felt in a long time. I stared at her, shocked, but certainly not worried about our closeness. Her eyes swirled millions of shades, her warmth drawing me in and I certainly didn't want to get out yet. Freckles littered her face and stray hairs brushed her impossibly soft-looking lips. I wondered if they felt as soft as they looked. She closed the distance between us, moulding her lips to mine.

Here's a secret, they were softer than they looked.

[eddycurrents]

BPRD: The Warning - Chapter Five

Story: Mike Mignola & John Arcudi | Art: Guy Davis | Colours: Dave Stewart | Letters: Clem Robins

Originally published by Dark Horse in BPRD: The Warning #5 | November 2008

Collected in BPRD - Volume 10: The Warning | BPRD: Plague of Frogs - Volume 4

Part One of the Scorched Earth trilogy.

Plot Summary:

The King of Fear gives Abe a warning in a vision, while the BPRD take stock of the destruction caused by the Hyperborean war machines. Later, Abe gets another warning from Memnan Saa about meddling with his plans for Liz.

Reading Notes:

(Note: Pagination is in reference to the chapter itself and is not indicative of anything found in the issue or collections.)

pg. 1-2 - This is a weird dream/vision of Abe throwing his past in a literal garbage fire. Great visual of the burning house, though.

pg. 3 - Interesting to see a return of the King of Fear, it’s fitting even in ghostly vision form given that the offshoot of the Hyperboreans were back for this arc. This is the first warning, or perhaps promise as it were, about what’s coming for the world.

pg. 5 - The fate of that giant lizard monster thing is pretty gruesome. Guy Davis is great at this. Also, the transition from dream to vision to reality is interesting. It makes you question what was in Abe’s head (like him burning the picture of his wife) and what might have been real (the vision of the King of Fear).

pg. 6/7 - The ultimate devastation to Munich is horrifying. Davis and Dave Stewart are stunning at these spreads.

pg. 8 - Ah the old “insult them in another language” gag, never gets old. Well, it does, since it’s old, but...yeah.

pg. 9 - You’ve got to kind of wonder what’s powering the transformation. We’ve seen it happening with the frog monsters as well and, of course, people into the frog monsters, but what’s the driving force for the actual change?

pg. 11 - And a harnessed gargantuan frog creature as the innards to the giant robot, suggesting that it’s some kind of cyborg or intertwined war machine thing. The mind boggles just thinking about it.

Also, there’s an interesting take on Memnan Saa here in that he’s not been lying about what’s coming, but it still makes you wonder about what he’s motivation is. He’s not the good guy, but how have his plans changes since The Iron Prometheus?

pg. 13 - Sure, Johann has been acting like a jerk for a while now, but you’ve still got to feel empathy for him with the deaths of so many in Munich and the destruction of his home. It’s a nice way for Mignola and Arcudi to drive home the human loss in this situation beyond just showing visuals of the wreckage and carnage in the city and of the war machines.

pg. 14/15 - Absolutely haunting double page spread.

pg. 16 - I really like this analogy for the frog monsters and the cave dwellers and the things that go bump in the BPRD. They’ve always been there, but since it’s been growing out of sight, it’s largely gone ignored as has, and now that it’s spilling into the light of day, it’s night impossible to stop the wave.

pg. 17 - There’s always drinks and dancing in the rubble.

pg. 18 - Nice scene of simpler, happier times and Abe wondering where Hellboy got up to. These cross-mentions are few and far between, but I suppose it’s going to add that much more impact when they finally do meet up again.

pg. 20/21 - And there’s the second warning. Memnan Saa giving Abe a vision of what’s to come similar to what Liz has been seeing is interesting.

pg. 21 - The little flame above the head, almost like a crown, makes me wonder what Gilfryd is doing to Liz. It’s been a shorthand throughout the Hellboy universe as a sign of power, possibly even divinity or a demonic being. Part of his goal from The Iron Prometheus was to bring back the Black Goddess, so maybe that’s what he’s trying to do with Liz.

pg. 23 - It’s still creepy as hell, though.

pg. 24 - And we get to go off into a different direction, searching out what Lobster Johnson might have known.

Final Thoughts:

It’s interesting to think of this as merely a precursor, a warning. That all of the devastation caused by the war machines was just a dry run for what’s coming at the end of the world. We’ve been getting hints of this in one form or another since The Hollow Earth (and a broader set up since Seed of Destruction) but this is one of first times the impact is being felt outside of America. It gives an indication as to how big this story might really get as a slowly unfolding apocalypse.

It’s worth noting that these are still the early days, even for what we’ve seen so far.

d. emerson eddy got a wake-up call once. He thinks he mumbled something about a banana sundae so was confused when one showed up shortly after.