#this sam having a complicated relationship with wanting dean's blood

[theboykingsmichaelsword]

no thoughts head empty just s4!sam fresh from a session with ruby and still keeping secrets from dean watching his older brother snoring quietly in the dark and thinking how gordon was right, he should've killed himself a long time ago before he could become this thing that confides in demons and lies to his brother but more damningly can't stop wishing it was him sucking salvation from dean's blood like communion that night in the factory instead of vamp!gordon

[cowboysandcigarettes]

JUNO

summary; watching dean work with some kids on a case leads you to an interesting realization.

warnings! established relationship, canon-typical violence, talk of pregnancy, smut!, praise kink, breeding kink (oops), soft sex, but it kinda unintentionally turned nasty, unprotected p in v (stay safe!)

CASES WITH KIDS WERE ALWAYS HARD. you had a soft spot for kids, especially little ones, even with their sticky fingers and clingy hands.

you had always thought about having kids, but once you became a hunter, you threw that idea out the window. hunting was no life to raise a kid in, god knows you only barely survived in your late teens.

when you met dean, you fell fast and you fell hard. it was difficult to resist his charms and good looks, but your case of lovesickness only grew as you and the elder winchester grew closer. he slowly opened up to you, allowing you to peel back the layers of toughness and defense that he had built up over the years, letting you see the real him.

that only made you fall more in love.

luckily, the feeling was mutual, for as soon as dean had set eyes on you, he was gone. he instantly knew you were the most beautiful thing he had ever had the pleasure of laying his eyes on, and as soon as you opened your pink lips to greet him─cussing him out for hijacking your hunt actually─he was completely done for.

neither of you had said anything for a long time, letting the feelings and tension build up over the years until it all came to a boiling point after a hunt almost gone wrong. you had barely had time to take a breath after almost dying before dean's roughened hands were on your face, grabbing you and crashing your lips to his.

you had been together ever since, and although the thought of having kids occasionally popped in your head, you figured dean would never want that. he was a hunter through and through, he could never leave the life, and if you were to have a kid, you could never raise them the way you and him had been raised.

so you pushed those dreams deep down, happy to live your chaotic life with dean, content with just the two of you.

but then you ended up in oregon.

♡ ♡ ♡

the case was a pain in the ass, a couple of rogue vampires taking kids, 'training' them to become a part of their nest.

finding the bloodsuckers was easy enough, they had been holing up in some old farmhouse off the highway, posing as new townsfolk and greeting the neighbors to scout their next victims. it only took the boys and you a day to find the farmhouse and pile into the impala, rumbling off to save the day once again.

the three of you had charged in after a quick surveillance, machetes in hand and dead man's blood at the ready as you crept in, trying not to wake the vamps. unfortunately, they were still up and at 'em, and suddenly ambushed the three of you before you could even process it.

there was only two of them and three of you, but with their enhanced strength and skills, it was pretty much a fair fight. sam and you had been fighting off one of them, dean grappling with the other, when the situation had grown more complicated.

the fight managed to be pushed into one of the other backrooms of the farmhouse, which just happened to be where the vamps were holding the kids. you noticed first, telling sam and calling out to dean before swiftly turning back to your own fight.

"i got 'em!" he calls back, kicking his vamp straight in the chest and sprinting over to where the three kids were tied up, tears streaking down their dirt covered faces.

you manage to get the jump on your own opponent, knocking the monster down. movement out of the corner of your eye catches your attention, and you look up to see the vamp dean had been fighting pushing himself up from the ground, fangs bared and snarling at dean, whose back was turned as he untied the kids.

"hey, ugly!" you call, a quick nod from sam assuring you that he had the other creature handled. the one snarling at dean turned in your direction, pausing for a moment before his lips curled again, baring his rows of sharp, deadly teeth at you. you just gripped your machete tighter, bracing yourself in a fighting position. "come and get it."

the creature hissed and charged at you, but you were one step ahead. you noted the flimsy floorboard in front of you and you waited until he was a few steps away before raising your machete over your head, bringing it down hard on the shaky board.

the impact of the blade further destabilized the wood, and as you stepped back, the vamp stepped on that floorboard, his leg crashing through, leaving him stuck. he cried out and growled, hissing and flailing his hands around, trying to reach for you, but before he could even call out to his buddy, you raised your machete again, swinging it around and cutting the bloodsucker's head clean off.

the creature's skull thudded against the wood as it fell, and you stood there for a moment, catching your breath before you lifted your head, trying to find sam. a proud grin spreads across your face as you see him standing at the foot of the other vamp, it's head cut off just like the other one. he meets your gaze, and you both turn to head towards the exit, cleaning off your machetes on some nearby hay bales.

you walk behind sam to the impala, pleased to have come out of the farmhouse with minimal blood staining your skin and clothes. you hear dean's voice before you see him, and as you round the car to greet him, you cut yourself off as you take in the scene in front of you.

the three children are leaning against the door of the imapala, their heads barely reaching the bottom of the window, faces dirt stained and tear streaked. the sight would break your heart if you weren't so distracted by dean, who was crouching in front of them, an easy, comforting smile on his lips as he spoke to them softly.

"see? i told you we'd get 'em for you," he tells them, and the gentle tone of his voice makes you melt a little. "you guys were so brave, doin' exactly as i said and helping each other get out. you guys are real superheroes."

the little boy in the middle, the youngest of the three, looks at dean with wide eyes, still glistening with tears, but there's no more trace of sadness other than the tear tracks on his dusty cheeks. "like batman?" he asks, his small voice slightly wobbly.

dean grins wider at that, and you can practically see the sparks in his eyes as he nods at the little boy. "hell yeah, exactly like batman," he assured the boy. "he'd be so proud of how brave you were, all of you. i mean seriously, i was so scared, but you guys were totally badass."

all three of the children's faces lit up at that, the two girls on either side of the little boy looking at each other and giggling softly before looking back at dean.

he pretended to be confused, cocking his head and looking between the two girls. "what's so funny?" he asks, his lips twitching as he fights off a smile.

"you said a bad word," the girl on the left says, giggling at dean's face.

dean pretends to be offended, quipping something back at the girl to make all three of them laugh again, but you don't hear what, because suddenly you're picturing doing that with another kid.

your kid.

images flash through your head of dean, a little girl in his arms, a sweet smile on his lips as he rocks her gently. dean and a boy with his eyes and your hair standing side by side as he teaches him how to fix up the impala. you and dean side by side as you watch the milestones of your child's life, the look in dean's eyes as he holds them for the first time.

you bite your lip as you watch him with the kids, your heart warming in your chest. but the heat doesn't stop there, it travels through your chest, pooling quickly in your core as you suddenly picture yourself pregnant, dean's hands on your stomach, your sensitive breasts, hips and all over as he takes care of you.

the movement of dean standing up snaps you out of your fantasy, and with a soft smile, you help him and sam load the kids into the impala, offering to sit with them in the back, dean driving and sam in the passenger seat.

the drive back into town wasn't short, but you honestly were content to sit in the car for a couple hours as the kids eagerly conversed with you. they were smart, and you were surprised at their range of vocabulary as they told you about themselves.

you learned that the two girls were sisters, maia and ruby, that they were six and eight, and had a cat named max that they loved to death. the little boy's name was logan, and he didn't talk as much, oddly staying quiet as the girls chatted away at you, but once they turned into talking amongst themselves, he started telling you about all of his favorite superheroes.

eventually, exhaustion dragged the poor kids under, maia and ruby curling into each other, your heart warming when you felt the weight of logan's body leaning into yours. you let him lean against you, gently lifting your arm and resting it over his shoulder, holding him to you.

not so long into his slumber however, logan began to squirm against you, catching your attention as a small, heartbreaking cry left his lips. the poor boy was having a nightmare.

gently, you gripped his shoulders, squeezing lightly as you tried to wake him up. "hey, shh, hey, logan it's okay," you whisper, your heart clenching as another soft cry leaves his lips.

dean's eyes snap to you in the rear view mirror, the cry breaking his concentration on the road. "he okay?"

"he's having a nightmare," you say, meeting dean's eyes for a second, before a pained gasp draws your attention back to the boy next to you. his eyes snap open, brimming with tears as they meet yours, his trembling lips parted like he's trying to say something, but nothing comes out. "hey, hey, buddy, it's okay, you're okay."

you're shocked when he suddenly surges forward, crashing into you with a sniffle. as soon as he does though, your instincts kick in, your arms wrapping tightly around him, one hand cupping the back of his head to you as you shush him softly.

"shh, s'alright honey, you're safe, you're okay," you whisper, tilting your head down to press a kiss to the top of his head, continuing to murmur soft reassurances into his slightly matted hair.

what you didn't see was dean watching you in the rear view mirror. his eyes stayed glued on you and the little boy until he absolutely had to look back at the road, doing so just long enough that he didn't crash, then his gaze returned to you.

something about seeing you with the kids, the way you interacted with and entertained them the whole ride, and especially now, watching you hold and care for this little boy you didn't even know, it did something to him. it started with a pull in his chest, squeezing at his heart, but it moved lower and lower, sparking a heat in his stomach as images flashed in his mind.

you, barefoot and your soft stomach swollen as you grew his child inside of you. you, holding his child in your arms, just like you're doing to little logan right now. a life out of hunting, the life he's always secretly dreamed of, white picket fence and all. dean thinks about how you'd feel, the way your body would change, how he'd be able to mold it with his hands, how sensitive you'd be as he drags his fingers over your skin, up to your chest, making you moan his name.

he's abruptly brought out of his thoughts as a soft melody reaches his ears. he lifts his eyes to the mirror again, and he swears if he was standing up, he would've swooned.

you've got the little boy cradled to your chest, one of your hands cupping the back of his head to hold him to you as you rock gently, your lips pressed to his head, but he can still hear your soft voice.

singing.

dean had never heard you sing before, but he decided then and there that screw his pride, he was gonna ask you to sing for him.

later, after maia and ruby had been dropped off, not going before giving dean a crushing hug, the impala rumbled over to the other side of town to logan's house.

you hoisted the sleeping boy higher in your arms, holding him securely against your chest and covering the back of his head as you step out of the impala, nodding to sam and dean in silent assurance before walking up to the small house.

dean just watched you through the window, his eyes glued to you as you knocked on the door, careful not to wake logan. his anxious tapping of the steering wheel slows to a stop, a contrast to the beat of his heart, which rapidly speeds up as the front door opens, his eyes glued to you as the hysterical parents graciously thank you. his gaze never leaves you, eyes zeroed in on you as you hand over the sleeping boy, his racing heart swelling as you smile at them, leaning down to press one last kiss to the sleeping boy's head before bidding them goodbye.

sam clears his throat next to him, snapping dean out of his daze as you turn to head back to where they wait in the impala. dean tears his eyes from you to glare at sam, who has a knowing smirk on his face.

"what?" dean snaps, a flush crawling up his neck at being caught staring at you.

"nothing," sam replies, shrugging nonchalantly, but the smirk never leaves his face. "just never figured you were the type."

"type?" dean asks, his brow furrowing in confusion. "type to what?"

sam opens his mouth to respond, but he doesn't get the chance to as you open the door of the impala, swiftly sliding into the backseat pausing at the looks on the brothers faces.

"am i interrupting something?" you ask, raising your eyebrows as you look between them.

the brothers share a look, doing their silent telepathy trick that you've never understood, but then dean is clearing his throat and starting the car, eyes focused through the window as he pulls out of the driveway. "nope, just ready to get back to the motel," he responds curtly, and you can sense there's more to it, but you don't pry.

the ride back to the motel is silent except for the soft hum of the radio in the background, but you don't mind. all you can focus on anyways if getting dean alone in your motel room.

when you finally do arrive, you practically drag him out of the car, ignoring sam's roll of his eyes as you hastily unlock the motel room, stumbling in with more force then necessary and closing it behind you.

"what's the rush?" dean questions, the signature winchester smirk on his lips as he shrugs off his jacket and flannel, tossing them onto a nearby chair. "didn't know you got hot and bothered over killin' vamps."

you normally would respond with a roll of your eyes, quipping something back at him, but right now you're too focused the way his plain black t shirt is stretched over his chest, his biceps practically bulging in the sleeves making you almost salivate. you bite your lip as your eyes rake over him, lingering on his arms as the images of him gently cradling your child creep back into your head, making a familiar heat curl in your stomach.

he notices the lack of response, taking a step closer to you, ducking his head slightly to try and meet your gaze. "uh, hello? you gonna tell me what's got you all worked up or are you just gonna keep starin' at me like i'm a fresh piece o' pie?" he asks, snapping you out of your daze, your eyes flicking up to meet his.

your face heats up, a flush painting your cheeks as you avert your gaze sheepishly, slightly embarrassed at the thoughts running through your head.

"s'nothing," you mumble, dropping your eyes to your feet, suddenly finding the floor very interesting.

dean tuts at you, stepping closer, close enough that the tips of his boots come into view where your eyes are stuck on the ground. "ain't nothin' if it's got you flustered like this, sweetheart," he drawls, lifting a hand to your chin, cupping it and raising your head to meet his gaze. "so, i'll ask again. what's got my girl all worked up?"

you bite your lip again, your thighs involuntarily clenching together at the low timbre of his voice, the heat in your core starting to outweigh your pride. "i just..." you start, feeling the anxiety bubble up in your chest as you start to ramble. "you were really good with the kids today and i know its stupid, and i know you don't want kids but i saw you with them and it just really got me goin' for some reason and-"

"woah, woah," dean cuts you off, both of his hands moving to cup your cheeks, keeping your eyes focused on his, his thumbs stroking your cheeks gently like he could slow your rapid heartbeat through your skin. "slow down, baby, take a breath."

he just stares at you for a moment and you get the hint, taking in a slow breath, exhaling and letting some of the tension flow from your body. "good girl," he murmurs, tucking some of your hair behind your ear gently. "so, from what i heard, you are all worked up, thighs clenchin' and everything because of watchin' me with the kids?"

you don't answer with words, anxiety too tight in your throat as heat creeps up your neck, so you just nod your head in his hands.

"use your words, pretty girl," dean corrects, but there's something deeper in his voice, and you swear you can see his eyes darken as his grip on your face tightens just slightly.

"yes," you breathe out, swiping your tongue over your dry lips before pulling the bottom one between your teeth.

"oh, that's it, huh?" he asks, his voice lowering to a rumble that sends a shiver up your spine. "you wanna make me a daddy? let me fill you up and make you a mama?"

your eyes widen in surprise at his reaction, and you feel a flood of arousal drench your panties, making you clench your thighs together harder. the shock of his words wears off as he squeezes your cheeks a little tighter, urging you to answer him.

a strangled whine leaves your throat at the images his words create in your lust-hazed brain, and when you nod in his grip, a groan leaves his lips, his pupils dilating so much there's only a ring of shining evergreen around them.

"shit, babygirl, you have no idea what that does to me.." he growls, one of his hands slipping from your cheek to grip your hip tightly. he pulls you flush against him, and you can feel the heat of his body, along with the hardness that is pressed into your stomach, making your knees weak. "i was thinkin' the same about you all damn night long."

"you were?" you ask, your voice turning into more of a squeak when he dips his head down to nip at your neck.

"uh huh," dean mumbles into your skin, sucking on your pulse point so hard you swear stars flash behind your eyes. "just the way you interacted with the kids, when logan had that nightmare...all the sudden i just pictured you, all barefoot 'n round with my kid."

you whimper at the image, your eyes slipping shut as his hands drag down to the hem of your shirt, tugging on it lightly before pulling back enough to tear it over your head, tossing it who knows where before diving back down to btie at your neck.

"dean..." you moan breathlessly, back arching to give him more access as he trails his hands up to deftly unclip your bra, sliding the straps down your shoulders.

"that what you want?" he growls your name, the heat in his voice so intense you suddenly feel dizzy. "you want me to fill you up? fuck you so deep it sticks, then you can go around tellin' everyone it was me who knocked you up?"

you nod desperately, grinding your hips into him, groaning in frustration when you get no friction. "yes, god yes," you pant, gripping his shoulders to push him back from you enough to look him in the eyes. "please-"

that was all it took for the last of his resolve to break.

the next few moments were a blur of belt buckles and buttons as you both tugged at each others clothes, ripping them off and tossing them onto the floor of the now disheveled motel room. eventually, you both landed on the bed, now bare to each other, dean falling on top of you and immediately crashing his lips to yours in a bruising kiss.

you moan into his mouth, arching your back and wrapping your arms around his shoulders to dig your nails into his skin, bucking your hips up into him. the what between your thighs was too much now, an almost painful ache that only worsened when his hands slipped down to grab your grinding hips, pinning them firmly to the mattress.

"dean-" you start to whine when he pulls away from ravaging your mouth, but he cuts you off with another fierce kiss, stealing your breath away before he pulls back again, his eyes burning as they took you in.

"jesus christ," dean murmurs your name, his gaze raking down your flushed skin, lingering on your heaving chest before landing on the now sticky mess between your legs. "you've got no idea what you do to me, pretty girl."

"please dean," you whine, hips wiggling under his grip. when he doesn't acknowledge your plea, your hands drag up his shoulders to tightly tangle in the short strands of his hair, tugging until his eyes are on yours. "fuck me, please."

if possible, dean's eyes darken further, the jade that you love so much almost completely consumed by lust blown black, the sight making your thighs tighten around his hips.

"can't refuse my girl, now can i?" he pants, one of his hands leaving your hip to pump himself a few times before he lines himself up with your sopping entrance. your breath hitches as his leaking head notches at your hole, fingers digging into his scalp. it only seems to spur him on, a deep groan reverberating in his chest before he pushes into you, low moans leaving you both at the feeling. "fuck, sweetheart, you feel so fuckin' good."

your jaw goes slack, your eyes going hooded as he fills you to the brim, your body hyper aware of every ridge and vein as his cock settles in your clenching walls. you both stay still for a moment, getting used to the feel of each other, before the ache in your core starts to build again.

"move, dean, move, please," you whimper, opening your heavy eyes to meet his, wriggling your hips under him.

he groans, nodding before dropping his forehead to yours, his breath fanning over your lips. he's still not moving, and you open your mouth to beg him again, but before you can say a word, he pulls out almost all the way, gripping your hips tightly, then slams back into you, hard.

you cry out, your back arching as your hands move to grip his shoulders for dear life, your nails leaving red crescent shapes in their wake. he doesn't give you time to recover before he's doing it again, then again, and again, until he's building a steady pace that has your legs wrapping tightly around his waist, your toes curling in the air.

"oh fuck- dean-" you choke, words cut off as a particularly harsh thrust has his tip ramming into your cervix with so much force that your vision goes black for a second.

"shit, yeah..yeah that's it, pretty girl," dean grunts in response, the force of his thrusts causing his nose to bump yours, your foreheads still pressed together. "let me feel ya, squeeze this pretty pussy 'round me till she gushes all over my cock."

his filthy words only push you closer to the edge, your nails dragging down his back, making him groan. "fuck, fuck," you gasp as he rubs against that sweet, gummy spot inside you, your back arching as the coil in your stomach tightens.

"mhm, right there, baby?" he growls, his words almost a coo as he angles his hips to hit that sensitive spot with each thrust. "yeah, that's it right there. c'mon, you're so close, aren't ya, pretty girl?"

you nod, clenching your eyes shut as his thrusts punch broken whines and whimpers from you, leaving you breathless. a sharp slap to your thigh has your eyes flying open, a small yelp leaving you at the stinging contact.

"eyes on me, baby," he demands, and you oblige, your mouth hanging open as you continue to fly towards the edge. "atta girl, there you go. such a naughty fuckin' girl, gettin' wet 'cause all you wanted was my cock in you, fillin' you with my cum 'til it sticks. that's what you want, isn't it, baby? to be full of my cum, waiting 'til it sticks, then being full 'n round with my kid?"

all you can do is moan, the harsh movements of his hips and the way his tip his hitting the tip of your cervix perfectly succeeding in fucking you dumb.

"yeah, that's what i thought," dean mumbles, tilting his head to nip at your bottom lip, slipping one hand between your sweat slicked bodies to rub tight circles on your sensitive bundle of nerves. "cum for me, baby, squeeze my cock 'til there's nothing left, ya know you want it. c'mon mama, give it to me."

the nickname is what pushes you over the edge with a scream that you think is his name, but you're too far gone to really know. your mind goes blank as your orgasm crashes over you in white hot pleasure, back arching and legs shaking.

somewhere in the back of your hazy mind, you hear dean groan your name, and you can feel his sticky release painting your insides, the warmth making your toes curl and legs shake as you come down.

when you start to regain some of your senses, dean's head is buried in your neck, his breath hot and heavy against your skin as he brings himself back down to earth. his rough hands run soothingly up and down your sides, sliding down to your trembling thighs.

after a moment, the room silent except for the both of yours heavy pants, dean speaks up, his voice slightly hoarse.

"goddamn, babygirl, 'f i knew me knockin' you up got you so turned on i would've brought it up a long time ago," he mutters into your neck, pulling a tired laugh from your lungs.

you sigh softly, head falling back against the bed as you try to bring your heartbeat down, his words ringing in your head. "thought you didn't want kids," you mumble in response, your hands stroking gently along his back, soothing the marks you made.

"i-" dean starts, but cuts himself off, pausing for a moment before he lifts his head from your sweaty skin to look down at you. one of his hands comes up, brushing some of your damp hair away from your eyes, his thumb lingering as he brushes the digit gently over your brow. "i didn't, not really. not until you."

the words steal the breath from your lungs again, your eyes widening slightly as you stare up at him. you search his expression for any sort of insincerity, but all you find is a look of love so intense you feel like he's tearing your heart straight from your chest. "not until me?" you ask, your voice barely above a hoarse whisper.

"not until you," he repeats, his words soft. he stares at you for a moment before sighing, tilting his head as he continue to admire you. "i never thought i would get a chance at the apple pie life, hell i didn't even really want to think about it, but then i met you, and everything changed."

his words, so heartfelt and so real, leave you speechless, your heart still pounding in your chest as you stared up at him in awe.

"you make me want all of those things, make me think i actually might deserve them," he continues, his thumb still brushing softly at your skin. "and i know we haven't...officially talked about it, but i love you, and if it really is somethin' you want, there's no one else i'd rather start a family with. if-if that's what you want, 'f course."

you don't even hesitate before you answer, a smile pulling at your lips. "yes," you breathe out, feeling your heart flutter in your chest. "there's no one i'd rather do it with."

a grin lights up dean's face, a look of boyish joy highlighting his features. without responding first, he grabs your face in his hands, cupping your cheeks and peppering kisses all over your heated face, making you giggle.

"you have no idea how damn happy that makes me," he mumbles between kisses, pressing on last, lingering kiss to your lips before dipping his head again, burrowing into your neck, his arms wrapping tightly around you. "you're gonna be the best mama."

you laugh softly, a warm feeling spreading in your chest as you wrap your arms around him in return. "we gotta get cleaned up first, then we'll continue this conversation," you mutter into his hair, pressing a kiss to the top of his head, but he just grumbles, burying his face further in your neck.

"later," he mumbles, pressing a kiss to your pulse point, content with just holding you in his arms. "just wanna stay here."

"okay," you whisper into his hair, relaxing into his hold. "we can stay here."

dean hums into your neck, and you can feel him smile against your skin, making your heart skip a beat in your chest. you knew it wasn't going to be easy, getting out of the life never was, hell just living as hunters wasn't easy, and raising a kid was gonna be harder. but you knew that you had dean, and in the end, that's all that mattered.

he was all that mattered.

bri's thoughts! bri write a position that isn't missionary challenge: fail. (i'm sorry i'm basic i crave intimacy) okay so here it is! finally actually finished something (the 50 unfinished works in my drafts are screaming at me rn) and now i'm gonna go to bed and dream about being on snl because it is my current obsession, especially after the 50th anniversary episode, which i recommend everybody watch! so i won't shut up about that but anyways, here this finally!

tags! @ultravi0lence14 @bluemerakis @titsout4jackles @soldiersgirl @dulcescorderitas @flormpus @star-yawnznn @Jaredpadonlyyyy @grangerously @dclover27 @chronic-fangirl-222 @stevesxwhore @deans-baby-momma @spnaquakingdom

[wchswift]

── fangs and fury

pairing! dean winchester x vampire!reader

summary! a vampire that dean once spared, appears years later as the supposed motive for the new case the brothers are working on.

contents! enemies, complicated relationship, blood, porn with plot, hate/angry sex (kind of), smut, degrading words, Insults, teasing, riding, unprotected sex p in v and more; mdni 𖤐 18+

word count! 3.8k

𝒟ean masterlist !

── english isn't my first language, so probably some mistakes.

It was a messy hunt. Simple but without patterns. Many different bodies, in distant places and with no clear clues. It was obviously a vampire, that was the only certainty Sam and Dean had. It took them a while, but once they got to the next town they thought you would be in, it wasn't long before they found you.

And that was the first time Dean Winchester saw you.

You were covered in blood.

It wasn't subtle. Your clothes were stained, your lips parted just enough to reveal a glint of fangs beneath, your breath uneven. You stood over the body of a man, lifeless, skin ashen, and eyes wide open in terror. A predator caught in the act.

Dean didn't hesitate—he raised his machete, his stance lethal. "Son of a bitch."

Your gaze snapped to his, sharp and alert, and for a second, you didn’t move. The tension between you felt electric, sizzling in the cold air of the abandoned alley. Then, just as his muscles flexed, preparing to swing, you took a step back, your voice rough but not pleading.

"I don't want to be a monster."

The words hit him like a bullet. It was the way you said it—raw, desperate, like you were fighting for something deeper than just your life. Like you were begging him to believe you.

“You’ve got a funny way of showing it,” Dean shot back, his voice like gravel, eyes narrowed.

You shook your head, frustration breaking through. “I was turned against my will. I never asked for this.”

Sam shifted slightly, lowering his weapon just a fraction. “Then why the bodies?”

Your expression twisted with something—guilt, regret. “At first, I couldn’t control it. The hunger… it was unbearable. I—I did things I can’t take back.” You swallowed hard. “But I tried to stop, I don't want to kill people! And I swear I'm better, I'm doing a good job.”

Sam hesitated beside Dean, eyes narrowing. “A good job? What the hell is this, then? Why are you covered in blood?” his voice was suspicious, hesitant.

You wiped your mouth with the back of your hand, smearing red across your cheek. Your gaze was a mixture of confidence and fear. “I didn't want to, okay?” you admitted, voice raw. “But he followed me here, he tried to attack me and... I didn’t have a choice!”

Dean scoffed. “Bullshit. There’s always a choice.”

Your eyes darkened, something old and weary settling into your features. “You think I wanted this?” Your voice was sharp, defensive, but beneath it was something else—something broken. “You think I woke up one day and thought, ‘Hey, I’d love to spend eternity drinking blood, being hunted like an animal’?”

Dean’s grip on the knife tightened. He’d heard sob stories before. Monsters with excuses, justifications. But something about the way you looked at him made it hard to move, made his stomach twist.

Dean could feel the weight of your stare, heavy and unrelenting. He wanted to believe you were full of it, wanted to ignore the way his gut told him otherwise.

He lifted the blade, heart pounding. Just do it. Get it over with. But when he met your eyes again, all he could see was someone who never got a choice.

“Dean,” Sam said quietly.

Dean didn’t look at him. He just stood there, caught in a storm of hesitation, of instincts warring against something deeper.

Finally, he exhaled sharply, stepping back. “You so much as breathe wrong, I’ll come for you,” he warned, voice low.

Your lips curled into something that wasn’t quite a smile. “I’d expect nothing less.”

They let you go that night. He didn’t look away as you turned, vanishing into the night.

And then, for years, nothing.

Years passed.

Dean had almost forgotten about you. Almost.

Then, another case—a brutal vampire kill, bodies drained dry. It brought them back to you.

Was supposed to be an easy hunt. It was clearly just a vampire, so it would be something simple and quick. Then, someone, a witness, mentioned a beautiful woman near one of the crime scenes. Security footage was grainy at best, but Dean didn’t need a clear picture. One glimpse and his stomach dropped. He recognized that face instantly.

He hadn’t hesitated this time. He and Sam had tracked you down within hours.

When they finally found you again, you were furious. The moment you saw them, you squared your shoulders, anger blazing in your eyes. Your eyes—still sharp, still burning with that same defiance—narrowed in pure fury. “Oh, for fuck’s sake. Do you really think I'd be stupid enough to kill again? After everything?"

Dean scoffed, crossing his arms. "People are dead. And your name keeps coming up. Forgive me if I don’t take you at your word."

Your lip curled. "I’ve been clean for years. Blood bags. Animals, when I have to. But never people. Never again."

“Yeah? Then why do the bodies keep showing up?” Dean’s fingers twitched around the machete.

You let out a slow, measured breath. “I don’t know. But it’s not me.”

Dean studied you—really studied you. No blood on your clothes, no scent of fresh kills. Just raw frustration written all over your face. He hated that it wasn’t an outright lie.

Sam, watching you closely, saw something genuine in the way you said it. "Dean, maybe we should hear her out."

"No. I don’t buy it." Dean stepped closer, his voice dropping. "We’re not taking any risks. You’re coming with us."

Your eyes narrowed. "For protection, or so you can put a knife in my heart when I’m not looking?"

"Take a guess."

A storm passed through your expression before you clenched your jaw. “Fine. But if you’re wrong, you owe me.”

Dean scoffed. “Not happening.”

The motel was dimly lit, shadows stretching long across the walls. You paced near the window, arms crossed, clearly seething. Dean watched you, jaw clenched, frustration mounting. He didn’t trust you. He couldn’t. So he was here, keeping an eye on you while Sam did some more research.

"You’ve been watching me like I’m gonna rip your throat out in your sleep," you said, voice low and sharp.

Dean smirked, stepping closer. "Should I be worried?"

You let out a humorless laugh. "If I wanted to kill you, Winchester, you’d already be dead."

That did something to him. The way you said it—confident, assured, dangerous. But there was more underneath it. A challenge. A dare.

"That supposed to scare me?"

You tilted your head, gaze locking onto his. "No. I think it excites you."

The tension in the room became unbearable, thick like molasses.

Dean stood there, hands curled into fists, watching you like you were something unholy. And maybe you were. Maybe that’s why he hated you so much. Hated the way you spoke like you had nothing to lose. Hated the way you didn’t flinch when he got too close. Hated that you looked at him like he wasn’t the one in control. Hated how you were so confident and so fucking hot even though you were a vampire.

"You’re staring, Winchester," you drawled, leaning back against the motel wall, arms crossed, lips curled. "Getting ideas?"

"I don’t get ideas about monsters," Dean shot back, voice razor-sharp.

You only smirked, cocking your head to the side. "Bullshit."

Dean moved before he could stop himself, closing the distance with a fury that barely felt like his own. His hand shot out, gripping your jaw with just enough force to tell you how close you were to crossing a line.

"You wanna test me?" His voice was low, seething, full of something he wasn’t ready to name. "You really wanna see how this ends?"

You grinned, teeth gleaming like a promise. "I already know how this ends, Dean. I think you do too."

That snapped something in him. He barely registered the way his body caged you against the motel’s peeling wallpaper, the way his fingers gripped your throat—not tight enough to hurt, but enough to make you feel it. Enough to make you aware of the fact that he could crush you if he wanted to. That maybe he wanted to. That maybe he wanted to do something worse.

"You think you know me?" he snarled, face so close that his breath was hot against your skin, smelling like leather and gunpowder. "You don’t know a damn thing."

"I know you don’t want to stop," you murmured, lashes lowering just slightly, mouth curling at the edges. "I know you’re fighting it so hard, you’re shaking."

Dean realized then—his hands were shaking. His chest was heaving. His body was pressing against yours so tightly that he could feel every breath you took. You weren’t wrong. You weren’t fucking wrong.

And you were enjoying it.

Your hands slid up his chest, nails scraping lightly over his shirt before you grabbed his jacket, keeping him closer.

"God, I fucking hate you," he spat, but the words came out more like a confession than a threat.

You tilted your chin up, brushing your lips against his jaw just to feel him jolt. "I know. And yet, here we are."

Dean didn’t think. He couldn’t. His grip on your throat tightened for just a second, just long enough to make you gasp before his mouth crashed against yours, brutal and punishing. It wasn’t a kiss. It was a battle. A goddamn war.

You met him with equal force, biting at his lip, digging your nails into his shoulders. He slammed you harder against the wall, groaning against your mouth when your fingers tugged at his hair, pulling him closer, forcing him deeper into something he couldn’t afford to want.

"Fucking hell—" He tore his lips away, panting, his forehead pressing against yours as he tried to collect himself. As if he could. As if you’d let him.

You laughed, breathless. "Don’t tell me that’s all you’ve got, Winchester."

His fingers tightened on your waist, nails digging in. "I swear to God—"

"What?" you taunted, voice syrupy sweet. "You gonna kill me? Rip my heart out?" You dragged your lips up the side of his throat, slow, taunting. "Or are you gonna fuck me so hard you forget why you ever thought you could resist?"

Dean lost it. Your legs wrapped around his waist as he lifted you effortlessly, knocking over the lamp in the process, not that either of you cared. You moaned into his mouth, raking your fingers through his hair, tugging at the short strands at the nape of his neck. His hands were everywhere—gripping your waist, sliding down to your ass, pulling you flush against him so you could feel every hard inch of him through his jeans. So you could rocked your hips against him, slow and deliberate, grinding right over where he was aching for you.

He hated you.

He needed you.

His breath was hot against your neck as he ground against you, the hard press of his cock dragging exactly where you needed it, teasing, taunting. His fingers dug into your clothed thighs, the pressure deliciously bruising. "Fucking vampire," he muttered against your skin, teeth grazing over your pulse point in a way that was nothing short of ironic. "You always this desperate, or is it just for me?"

You huffed out a breathless laugh, letting your fingers tangle into his hair, tugging hard enough to make him growl. "Please. You’re the one who can't keep his hands off me."

"Because you’re a fucking problem," he snarled, playing with the waistband of your jeans. Moving to unbutton your pants, "And I solve problems."

"By fucking them?" you taunted, tilting your head back when he rolled his hips, the friction making your breath stutter.

His smirk was pure arrogance, pushing your jeans down with one hand. "By breaking them."

Then he kissed you again—hard. The kind of kiss that stole your breath and any lingering sense of control. His tongue licked into your mouth, messy and possessive, as he ground against you just the right way. You whimpered against his lips, and he swallowed the sound like a man starved.

"You–" He pulled back just enough to tilt your chin up, thumb smearing the lipstick smudged on your lips. His eyes were dark, hungry. "Are such a pretty mess for me, darling."

His voice was mocking, filled with that arrogant, predatory edge that only made you hotter. You bit your lip, staring up at him through half-lidded eyes, letting the weight of his body press you further against the wall.

"Shut up and fuck me," you challenged, nails raking down his back.

His low chuckle sent a shiver down your spine. "Oh, you want it now?" His fingers finally dipped between your legs, slipping through the wetness in your panties he'd been teasing for too long. "So fucking needy."

You gasped as he pushed two fingers inside you, curling them just right, stretching you open as his thumb rubbed lazy circles over your clit. Your head thudded back against the wall, pleasure blooming deep and hot in your core.

He watched you with pure amusement, his pace unhurried despite the tension crackling between you both. "I’m sorry, what was that?" He pressed another finger inside, making your hips jerk. "I couldn’t hear you over all the noise you were making."

You clenched your teeth. “Go to hell." you panted, grabbing his wrist, but he didn’t let up, his smirk only growing.

“Ladies first.”

He pulled his fingers out far too soon, bringing them to his lips, sucking them clean while keeping his eyes locked onto yours. The sight made your stomach tighten, your thighs clench.

Then, before you could retort, he was carrying you to the bed, tossing you down onto the mattress with a roughness that sent heat pooling between your legs. You barely had time to adjust before he was on you again, his body pressing yours into the mattress, mouth finding your throat.

"You're warm," he murmured against your skin, lips ghosting over your pulse, his breath hot. His teeth scraped your skin, teasing. "Too warm for a vampire."

You smirked. "Guess that makes me special."

Dean's fingers curled around the hem of your shirt, pushing it up, exposing more skin inch by inch. "Yeah, well… special's a pain in my ass."

Then he was tugging it over your head, tossing it aside without a second thought. His hands skimmed down your sides, lingering over the soft curve of your waist before gripping your hips, pinning you beneath him.

Your breath hitched as he leaned down, lips brushing the valley between your breasts, kissing lower, lower. You arched into him instinctively, and he chuckled, mouthing at your skin, teasing but never giving you enough.

"You're real fucking needy, huh?"

You narrowed your eyes, hands sliding down his chest. "Says the guy who's already hard as a rock."

Dean scoffed, but you felt the way his cock twitched against your thigh. "Yeah, well, you are a good-looking pain in the ass."

"Dean," you warned, wanting more of him.

He smirked. "What? Thought you wanted me to fuck you like a good slut. Didn’t say how fast."

You let out a low, frustrated noise, but fuck, the teasing was getting to you. He hooked his fingers into the waistband of your panties, pulling them down just as slowly. You sucked in a breath as the cool air hit your exposed skin, but before you could say anything, his mouth was on you, lips brushing over your inner thigh, teeth scraping lightly.

You gasped, arching, but his hands pinned your hips down.

"Stay still," he ordered, voice rough.

You clenched your teeth, a sharp retort on your tongue, but it died when his mouth moved higher, kissing dangerously close to where you needed him most.

"De-Dean..." you breathed.

Dean chuckled darkly, pressing his lips to your stomach, teasing his way back up. "Now you're begging?"

Your hands tangled in his hair, tugging, making him groan. "Take your fucking clothes off, Winchester."

His grin was all teeth, sharp and wicked. "Yes, ma'am."

You watched as he sat back, ripping his jacket off, yanking his shirt over his head. Revealing that broad, freckled chest. Your gaze flickered over his chest, down his stomach, tracing the scars, the muscle, the way his skin gleamed under the dim motel lamp. Then he leaned forward, letting you undo his belt, yanking it free, your fingers quickly working on his zipper.

When you pushed his jeans down, his cock strained against his boxers, thick and aching. You ran your hand over him, feeling the heat, the way he twitched beneath your touch.

Dean groaned, eyes fluttering shut for a moment. "Fuck."

You smirked. "Who's the needy slut now?"

His eyes snapped open, dark with heat. "You're gonna fucking regret that."

Then he shoved his boxers down, and before you could get another smartass remark out, he had you on your back again, legs spread beneath him. His hand gripped your jaw, forcing you to look at him as he pressed the head of his cock against your entrance, teasing.

"You ready, sweetheart?" His voice was low, taunting.

You swallowed hard, glaring up at him. "Quit teasing and do it."

Dean's smirk widened. "Since you asked so nicely…"

Then he slammed into you, and fuck—the stretch, the fullness, the way he filled you completely, bottoming out in one deep thrust.

Your head fell back against the pillow, a moan spilling from your lips.

"Shit, you feel so good," he groaned, voice tight.

He didn't move at first, just let you feel it, let you adjust, his cock throbbing inside you.

Then he pulled back—slow, deliberate—before slamming into you again, his hips snapping forward, knocking the breath from your lungs.

You cried out, nails digging into his back, but he just smirked, loving every second of it.

"That what you wanted?" he taunted, driving into you harder, deeper. "Wanted me to wreck you?"

Your breath hitched, pleasure building with each thrust. "Y-Yeah—Oh— Harder," you gasped, pushing back against him, meeting his thrusts with equal fervor.

He growled, grabbing your legs and hooking them around his waist, angling deeper, hitting exactly where you needed. Your moan was nothing short of sinful.

Dean groaned, his pace turning relentless, rough, exactly how you wanted it. He pinned your wrists above your head, keeping you completely under his control.

"You love this," he rasped, lips brushing against your ear. "Love being under me, taking every inch, huh?"

You whimpered, hips meeting his thrusts, chasing that high. But before either of you could finish you reached up to shove him off you, rolling him onto his back. He had no choice, you were stronger than him, but the look in his eyes showed how much he enjoyed this, his gaze heavy with something feral as you straddled him, grinding down, teasing him with slow, torturous rolls of your hips.

His eyes darkened, lips parting in a breathless, ragged groan.

"Oh, I see... you like when someone takes control, Winchester?" You teased feeling him harden even more inside you, if that's possible.

His hands immediately gripped your hips, but you grabbed his wrists, pinning them down beside his head.

"My turn," you whispered, rolling your hips slowly, torturously, “You gonna let me have my fun, Dean?” you purred, “Or are you too scared to let me take control?”

You keep him pinned beneath you, hips rolling in slow, devastating circles, watching the way Dean’s jaw tenses, his breath coming out in ragged pants. You smirk, running your hands up his chest, dragging your nails over his skin just to watch him shudder. Then you lean down, your breath hot against his collarbone, mouth trailing lower, tongue flicking over his nipple before you suck it into your mouth. His hips jerk up involuntarily, thrusting into you so deep that a moan rips from your throat.

You laugh against his skin, tightening your grip on his wrists where you still have him pinned. "Sensitive, huh?" you murmur, dragging your teeth lightly over his flushed skin before sucking a mark into his chest.

You grin, sitting back up, letting his hands finally break free from your grip, your hands bracing against his stomach as you lift your hips, just enough to make him feel the loss—before slamming back down.

Dean groans, head pressing back against the pillow, his hands twitching like he wants to grab you, to take back control, but still not reaching you.

You roll your hips again, slow and deep, dragging out every inch, making sure he feels everything. He’s unraveling beneath you, every muscle in his body pulled taut.

“Fuck, sweetheart,” he rasped, his hands instantly gripping your thighs, eyes locked onto yours as you moved, rolling your hips just right, making him curse.

You smirked, leaning down, pressing your lips against his jaw. “You taste so good, Dean.”

His fingers tightened like he was resisting the urge to flip you back over. Your lips danced across his throat, teasingly grazing his pulse with your teeth, leaving him momentarily frozen in place. With a deliberate slowness, you traced your tongue over his skin, mocking, teasing, sending shivers down his spine.

“What’s wrong, Winchester?” you murmured, voice thick with amusement. “Scared I’ll bite?”

Dean’s breath caught. His hands dug into your thighs, his hips snapping up into you, deep, hard, desperate.

“Jesus,” he hissed, his voice sounding completely ruined, his control snapping. “Do it.”

You moaned, grinding down harder, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to his neck, sucking just hard enough to make him groan.

Dean’s hands shot to your waist, slamming you down, setting a pace that had you both falling apart.

It was filthy. It was raw. It was desperate.

And when you finally shattered, taking him with you, the world blurred, nothing left but heat and tangled limbs and ragged, gasping breaths.

You collapsed onto his chest, both of you ruined, spent, bodies trembling.

Dean let out a breathless, breathy chuckle, pressing a lazy kiss to your forehead.

“Still wanna kill me?” you murmured, dragging your fingers over his stomach.

Dean smirked, his thumb grazing your swollen lips. “Ask me again in the morning.”

But in the morning, you were gone.

No note. No goodbye. Just the scent of you still on the sheets.

Dean woke up, groggy, running a hand down his face before turning to see the empty bed beside him. His jaw clenched, nostrils flaring as he exhaled hard.

Of course.

The motel door creaked open, and Sam stepped in, glancing at the bed and noticing you were missing before raising an eyebrow at his brother.

Dean glared. “Don’t start.”

“Didn’t say anything.”

But something inside Dean twisted.

Because this wasn’t over.

Not even close.

𖤐 reblogs and feedback are appreciated! requests are also welcome, ty!

𖤐 main masterlist.

lina's notes: This has been sitting in my drafts for so long that I'm happy to finally post it, I'm really nervous because I don't know if it turned out how I expected... But I hope you like it and give me feedback on what you think pls <3 I will probably write a second part soon, if you guys like it 👀 I wanted to especially thank @blossomingorchids who read the beginning and helped me, thank you sweetie 🫶

tagging some people I think would like: @lyarr24 @cowboysandcigarettes @blossomingorchids @bettystonewell @rositaslabyrinth @multiversefanfics @iloveeveryoneyoureamazing @freeluigihesbae @fuckedupfate @bejeweledinterludes @jaredpadonlyyyy @littlesoulshine @sunsbaby @soldiersgirl @losers-clvb @deansbeer @starzify @h8aaz @vmiina @figthoughts @maddie0101 (I need to make a decent taglist lol, let me know if you want to be added or remove)

divider made by @elleisdesigning <3

[kaleldobrev]

Please Don't Leave

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Fem!Reader

Summary: Dean's lucky to have you in his life and honestly doesn't know what he would ever do without you

Word Count: 2k

Warnings: Cursing (3x), Fluff, Vulnerable/Angry Dean

Authors Note: The gif makes me sad | This might seem a little non canon but at the same time I honestly feel like Dean would react this way (fight me if you want, but I said what I said) | I just love this man so fucking much | Dream/Flashbacks are in italics | If you liked this, don’t forget to like & reblog. I really appreciate it! Feedback is always welcome ♡

Dean didn’t have a lot of consistencies in his life, but you were one of them. Out of everyone he had known in his life, you were one of the only people that had remained with him through all the heartbreak, all of the death, all of the blood, sweat, and tears that this life had. You had been through it all with him: Sam going to Stanford and leaving him behind, his fathers death, him selling his soul, the year that Sam went to Hell, the year the two of you were in Purgatory, the few months he was a demon, his bloodlust fueled by the Mark, him being possessed by Michael. He had an endless list of things that the two of you had been through together, things that would cause any normal or rational person to throw in the towel; but not you. “You can’t get rid of me Dean Winchester, not even if you kill me yourself.” You had joked. And that was something that he had almost done – and on several occasions too. And yet, you never left him. “I guess I’m just stupid.” You said. “Or maybe the sex me and you have is just that good.”

The sex he had with you, now that was something. It was unlike anything he had ever experienced; and he has had quite a lot of sex during his lifetime (not that he bragged about it of course). When the two of you initially met, it was only supposed to be a working relationship, a friends with benefits sort of deal. But eventually it turned into more. He wasn’t sure where him or you had gotten your wires crossed but they did; and it turned into you and him always finding each other at the end of the night regardless of the different men and women that had hit on both of you at the bar you two were at.

The sex used to be quick, usually done in either a drunken haze or after a tough hunt. But it eventually turned into something that either one of you would initiate through soft touches: a kiss on the forehead, a simple hand hold, or cuddling into each other. Once, in the middle of sex, he wasn’t sure why he had said it but he did. He kind of just blurted it out. “I love you.” Now that was something he never thought he’d ever say during sex before. But here you were beneath him, staring up at him with those doe eyes of yours that you frequently had during sex and said, “I love you too.” It was something he didn’t expect.

Dean didn’t know what he could or would possibly do if you weren’t in his life; and that was something he didn’t want to think about. But it was something that has been an unavoidable thought as of late. Waking up to you was one of the worst but best things after a nightmare of losing you. He would wake up in a panic, his heart racing, sweating; afraid that you were gone for good this time. But without fail, every single time you would be right there next to him. Either sound asleep or awake enough to tell him, “It’s okay, I’m right here.” He would always reply the same way. “Just…please don’t leave.” It was a simple yet complicated sentence. “I’m not going to. I’d never leave you.” Those words that you always uttered back should have been comforting to him, but it was just an empty promise – even though he knows that’s how you never intended it to sound. In your heart you loved him deeply, and he knew that. He knew that you’d never leave him; the two of you have been through everything together. But when it came to this life, it was hard to make and keep promises like that.

“Dean, I just can’t do this anymore I’m sorry.” Your words had cut into him like a knife. Like he’d been shot hundreds of times. The torture he received from Hell combined with the loss of his mother was child’s play compared to what he was currently feeling. He just started blankly at the two duffel bags at your feet as you stood in the doorway of the room the two of you shared. Well, formally shared that is. “Aren’t you going to say anything?” You asked, your question snapping him out of whatever trance he was in.

“There’s nothing to say.” Of course there were hundreds, no thousands of things that he had wanted to say to you, but he knew that he couldn’t say any of it. As much as he wanted to beg for you to stay, he wasn’t going to make you stay. Once you made up your mind that was it; there was no convincing you.

You looked at him with a confused expression. “You don’t even want to know why I’m leaving?” You asked, and Dean simply shook his head. “Why not?”

“It doesn’t really matter.” He tried to keep his voice even, to make you believe that he was okay. But he could tell that you knew he wasn’t (you knew him long enough to know when he was or wasn’t okay).

“Dean.” You said, your voice sounding more heartbroken than his.

“It’s alright. You don’t…you don’t have to explain yourself.” He said, taking a seat on the bed you two once shared.

“I feel like you deserve an explanation. We were together for almost twenty years Dean.” You sat down next to him on the bed. He had just wanted to push you away or wrap you in his arms. Two completely differently reactions, but that’s the way he felt. “Dean.” You touched his shoulder and he flinched, you quickly removed your hand. “I love you, and I know you know that but –”

“Please just…stop talking. I really don’t want to hear what you have to say.” His voice was more hurt now, and he could feel himself trying not to say or do anything that he was going to regret. He wanted to cry, but he didn’t want you to have to see that, despite seeing him do it so many times before. “Just, leave if you’re going to leave.” You didn’t move, simply just staring at him. “Go!” He snapped, and that’s when you got up.

You walked over to your bags, slinging one over your shoulder and holding the other one in your hands. “Goodbye Dean.” You said, before walking out of the room. For a while he heard the sound of your boots down the hall, but they suddenly became faint, almost inaudible. The Bunker door opened and closed again. You were gone. Gone for good this time.

“You said you’d never fucking leave.” He whispered to himself. “Said you’d never fucking leave me.” He pounded the bed with his fist. “You fucking lied!” He got up from the bed and he felt himself start to lose control; no longer in control of the emotions that had been building up when he had started watching you pack up your bags.

Dean woke up abruptly, sitting up. He was panicked, his heart racing. His breaths were heavy, his chest moving up and down. He rubbed his face, trying to fully wake himself up. There was no way he would be getting back to sleep for a while; not after that nightmare. “Y/N -” he began to say as he looked over to his right side; your side of the bed. You were gone. “Sweetheart?” He asked, his hand reached out and touched the emptiness next to him: it was cold.

He looked up at the door to the bedroom which was slightly ajar. The only light in the room came seeping in from the hallway. He didn’t remember having the door open, the door was always shut whenever the two of you slept. Despite how safe the Bunker was, sleeping with the door closed added an extra layer of safety, not just for him, but for you as well.

A shadow appeared, blocking some of the light. He reached over and opened the drawer of his nightstand, slightly gripping his gun that he always kept there. Before he could fully wrap his hand around the weapon you squeaked inside the room and shut the door again quietly. A huge amount of relief washed over him in that moment as he let go of the gun and closed the drawer. “Dean?” You questioned, upon hearing the drawer close. “Baby are you okay?” You asked, walking to sit on his side of the bed. He looked at you as you placed a hand on his cheek. Your eyes full of worry.

“You were…” his eyes flickered to your side of the bed that had been empty when he woke up before looking back at you again. “You were gone. When I woke up you…”

“It’s okay. I’m here.” You reassured him, your voice calm.

“Where did you go?” He asked tiredly.

“The bathroom. I really, really needed to pee.” You said, Dean chuckled a little at your comment. “You know I wouldn’t willingly leave you right?” You reassured him again. You felt him nod in your hand.

“I know.” His voice sounding just a hint sad. “I uh, I feel stupid for freaking out.” The sentence was a whisper.

“There’s nothing to feel stupid about Dean.” Another reassurance. Dean had every right to react the way he did; he had lost so much, even before you had met him. You had been with him through everything. Witnessed so much loss and endured just as much. “Was it a nightmare?”

He nodded. “Yeah. It was the…the one where you break up with me.” You hated that one just as much as he did.

“I’m never going to break up with you. I love you too damn much.” You said, giving him a smile. You crawled into bed next to him getting underneath the covers. “Come here.” You held out your arms for him, and without hesitation he went into them. He wrapped his arms around your torso and rested his head on your chest; your arms wrapping around the back of his neck. Your fingers started playing with his hair, gently massaging his head.

The two of you sat there in silence, both of you with your eyes closed. You weren’t sleeping, but you were unsure if he was. Even if he wasn’t, his breathing was starting to get more even, he was starting to calm down. Hearing the sound of your heartbeat always calmed him down. “Y/N?” Dean asked.

“Yes my love?” You asked, opening your eyes.

He looked up at you briefly, tiredly. “I know I don’t tell you enough but…I’m really lucky to have you in my life. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.” He kissed your neck, as that was one of the only spots he could currently reach.

“I’m lucky to have you in my life too.” You responded, giving him a kiss on the top of his head.

“And Sweetheart?” He asked again.

“Yeah?” You asked.

“Thank you…thank you for not leaving me.” His voice sounding a little pained. The sound of this sentence had broken your heart a bit. Leaving Dean was never an option for you, no matter what had happened between the two of you. Being with him wasn’t easy, but you couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. He was your person, the love of your life, your soulmate. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” You kissed him on the top of the head again, and you could feel his smile.

That night, Dean didn’t have another nightmare, but he did dream. He had one of his favorite dreams; one that always gave him a sense of calmness and normalcy. The two of you would be just lying in bed together watching some random horror movie on tv. It was something that the two of you have done hundreds, no, thousands of times, so there would be no reason why it would be his so called favorite dream. What made it his favorite though was purely based on one small detail, a detail that made it known to him that it was in fact a dream: wedding rings would be on both of your fingers.

Someday maybe, he thought.

Tag List: @roseblue373 @beansproutmafia @queenie32 @deanwanddamons @missy420-0 @jackles010378 If you'd like to be on a tag list, just message me!

[sammyofold]

Here's the second part of the wincest fic rec list! The fics are grouped together under overarching tropes.

(Part 1 | Part 2)

Case Fics

The Truth In The Lie by flawedamythyst.

Summary: Sam and Dean pretend to be gay lovers while they hunt a monster on a bus tour of Nova Scotia.

Pine Sweat by Goshen.

Summary: Sam and Dean get sent back to 1996 and go on a hunt with their teenaged selves. The kids don't know who they are.

this narrow room where life began by peculiarstate.

Summary: Everything Dean is, even all these years later, is still for Sam, only ever Sam, it beats through his blood more real to him than his own heartbeat, Sam, Sam, Sam. The common fucking denominator of Dean’s entire life. or Four years later, Dean has Sam back. Some things have changed. The main thing hasn't.

venti cup of poison, half-caf, long shot by darlingargents.

Summary: A string of murders outside Seattle seem to be connected by coffee. Sam goes undercover as a barista to try and get to the bottom of it.

Mercy by LaughableLament.

Summary: Sam’s rattled, hunting a ghost light in the aftermath of Dean’s reunion with Cassie—a woman so important, Dean disobeyed Dad for her.

Walkin' the Tightrope by non_tiembo_mala.

Summary: It’s 2036, and twenty years since Sam and Dean called it quits on hunting to take up a secluded, quiet life. Maybe Jesse and Cesar gave them the idea, but after Amara, they realized they’d done enough. And they wanted a proper life together even more. Known as Sam Wesson and Dean Smith to the residents of the nearby town they call home, Sam and Dean keep mostly to themselves, their immaculately kept ‘67 Chevy Impala, and their cabin in the woods. That is, until someone from their past tracks them down, desperate for help. Sam and Dean can’t say no, not when it’s their dear friend Jody Mills in deep trouble – she’s missing – but the wedding bands they wear make going back to their old life just that little bit more complicated…

The Things We Carry With Us by lovesrain44.

Summary: Sam and Dean are on the road, saving people and hunting things, like they always do. Dean discovers that Sam is attempting to turn himself into a monk, and so he does his best to get Sam laid. Sam resists because, of course, who needs to have sex with a girl when Dean’s around? It's about going on a roadtrip with your brother. It's about the food you eat, and the maps you follow. It's about the things you carry with you. (Takes place some time after Heart.)

On the Cover of a Magazine by teashopmuses (LJ).

Summary: Sam and Dean are called in to investigate the mysterious death of a model at a photography studio in Michigan. The only way for them to get in? Pose as models themselves – which is much easier said than done.

When It Crackles by lyra_wing (LJ).

Summary: A cult is rumored to be guarding the Fountain of Youth. Oh, and while investigating it, Sam and Dean get roped into getting married. Yep.

Always You, without time or space by benitle (LJ).

Summary: Sam and Dean leave New Paltz, a haunted painting and Sarah behind them, each thinking in their own ways it'll be the last time they do anything like that. It isn't long before a string of unexplainable deaths takes them to The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City. Between frustration and brotherly fights, surviving more art than can be seen in a lifetime, a revenge killer and the mean city, their relationship is taken to a whole new level that neither of them had expected. But of course it's never that simple, because between all the emotional chaos, there's also a case to solve!

Swesson

A Case of Do or Die by RiverSongTam.

Summary: Former hunter Dean Smith and Men of Letters legacy Sam Wesson are working through the rigorous MOL initiation process as partners, an arrangement Dean isn’t too happy about at first. Both he and Sam worry about being paired with someone they’re so attracted to—and who’s obviously straight. As the boys work together, they become friends, both secretly fighting their feelings for the other despite days at the movies, hours of research, and nights at the Roadhouse spent in each other’s company. When Sam has a vision of Abaddon wiping out the Men of Letters on initiation night, the pair wind up fighting something even more terrifying. The Men of Letters aren’t going to die out on Sam and Dean’s watch—even if a misunderstanding about their feelings for each other happens along the way.

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here by Zanne.

Summary: Dean Smith and Sam Wesson want to hunt some more ghosts. They go to the experts for some hands-on training, but can they fight the strange attraction between them?

Who Are You? (I Really Wanna Know) by orphan_account.

Summary: Ever since Sam Wesson moved to Ohio, he’s found himself in an exceedingly terrifying series of battles against his own brain—and the attractive man he keeps bumping into with the strikingly green eyes is Sam’s only clue as to why. Meanwhile, Dean Smith’s next promotion is practically in the bag until he starts stumbling over a succession of worrisomely inappropriate outbursts. The cute, but creepy IT guy who keeps leering at him really isn’t helping things either.

When We Kiss Our Scars Align by matchsticks_p.

Summary: Meet Sam Wesson. Meet a ghost. Meet more ghosts. Meet each other's parents. This is not how Dean Smith had imagined his life would go.

More than the dirt it takes to bury them by gorgeousnerd.

Summary: Sam Wesson doesn't usually run off with strangers to fight what lurks in the dark. But then, Sam doesn't meet people he dreams about - people like Dean Smith - every day. It's not perfect, but he's making a difference and getting closer to Dean, so what's not to love? Except the dreams he still can't explain. And the way he's starting to sweat and shake and itch for something he can't name. Something like demon blood.

How Many Floors to Realize by lazy_daze.

Summary: AU from the end of It's A Terrible Life, in which Zachariah decides to keep stringing them along a little while longer, because damn if they aren't somewhat entertaining, right?

Green Man by inalasahl.

Summary: Godstiel puts Sam and Dean back into the Sandover verse. It takes them some time to recover their memories.

Demon Dean

Welcome to Your Future by klove0511.

Summary: When Dean is suddenly pulled through time, he's confronted with a broken little brother a decade older than he should be. With Sam determined to send Dean back to his own time, will Dean be able to figure out where his present day counterpart is and fix things for Sam?

Come Close by AlulaSpeaks.

Summary: Dean may be a demon, but that doesn't mean he's stupid. In fact, he's just bursting with good ideas.

is there a word for bad miracles by withthekeyisking.

Summary: Dean comes back from Hell...different. But hey, it's not like Sam's the same as he used to be, either.

High Achiever by Agent_Hellcat.

Summary: Dean rescues Sam from Cole, his abductor. But does he have a hidden agenda?

Undeniable Dilemma by rosych33ks.

Summary: Dean stepped forward again, a strange kind of patience in the action, and Sam flattened himself back against the car, hands up, knife in the left just a useless afterthought at this point. “No, Dean, wait! You can— There’s something else we can do.” Dean sneered at him, but he just shifted his weight to his other hip, didn’t go for Sam again immediately, and that was something at least. “Oh yeah?” He said it like he was humoring him, probably thought he was letting Sam stall for his own amusement. “And what’s that?” Sam straightened a little, made himself look Dean right in the eyes, and most of all, did not let himself think. “You can fuck me.”

Ruin You by Mumble_Bee.

Summary: Cole fucks Sam with Demon!Dean watching from a devil's trap, snarling that anyone would dare touch what was his.

(Note: Trigger warnings for graphic depictions of rape and torture. Here's another version the author wrote where Dean is human. Same warnings apply.)

Alternate Events & Fix-Its

Away to Darker Dreams by brokenlittleboy.

Summary: Finally hunting on his own, Dean makes a trip to Stanford to visit Sam, only to find his little brother's gone missing. And when he finally does stumble upon him in a dark twist of fate, Sam is not the boy he used to be.

B-Side by phoenixflight.

Summary: Sam Winchester is a senior at Stanford with his whole life in front of him when he dies in a tragic fire. He didn't know what to hope for from an afterlife, exactly, but whatever it was, it wasn't his brother Dean, arrived before him.

Truth or consequences by rivkat.

Summary: What if Agent Henriksen gave Dean truth serum? Disinhibition and dirty talk.

120 - forgiveness by ani_coolgirl.

Summary: Dean reassures Sam that he did the right thing by putting down Samuel. Due to past events, Sam has a hard time understanding Dean's attitude. Conversations are had and misunderstandings are finally cleared up.

Brother's Blood by diana_lucifera, stormageddon.

Summary: When Dean goes missing on a hunt in New Orleans, John picks Sam up from Stanford to help look for him. (Pilot AU)

Always My Guide by Delanach.

Summary: After Dean goes to hell, Sam turns to Ruby but using his powers for the first time after tasting her blood takes away his sight. Bobby takes him in but it's not until Dean is pulled out of hell that he faces up to having to learn to live with a new reality. As for Dean, helping Sam relearn everything from the ground up gives him something to focus on. When Sam insists on tagging along on a simple salt and burn and they encounter a demon, they realize that Sam still has his powers, they are stronger than before, and he can sense other supernatural beings in different ways. When they are faced with the possibility of Lucifer rising, they must work together with Bobby and an angel called Castiel to stop it happening.

This is Ourselves (Under Pressure) by clex_monkie89 (LJ).

Summary: After Nightshifter, Sam and Dean hit the road. What follows is three months of fear and frustration with the FBI hot on their heels, trying to avoid the long arm of the law while still continuing to work. It's not easy; being on the run doesn't leave much time for breathing, never mind sleep, sex or any much-needed downtime.

Extra Gen Fics

What You Choose To Do With It by StarsandJellyfish.

Summary: Sam and Dean have finally got to a good place in their relationship, after the fiasco that was the few years Dean had the Mark. Now, weird things are happening all the time, and Sam has no idea what is going on or why. Dean is acting strangely, like he knows something Sam doesn't. Sam is just looking for an explanation that makes sense. Or five times Sam used his powers without knowing it, and one time he knew it and worried what Dean would think.

Red in Tooth and Claw by LilacLetter.

Summary: It’s the summer before Sam’s senior year. The brothers are stuck in New Mexico where their dad left them to their own devices. Sam and Dean are bored stiff in the searing heat… until a case comes along. It can’t hurt to check out the mysterious desert creature alone, right? Case-fic, pre-series, h/c.

Time held me green and dying by anyplaceisbetter.

Summary: Sam wakes up aged 9 and with zero clue who the weird man in the bed next to his is. They deal.

The Bonds of Brotherhood by authoressjean.

Summary: In the wake of Lilith's death and the apparent destruction of their brotherhood, Dean and Sam find there's an even bigger revelation than Lucifer rising, because Lucifer isn't in his Cage. Lucifer and Michael both Fell a long time ago and became someone new. Became human.

With Heaven and Hell gunning for them, and new/old brothers fighting beside them, Dean and Sam have to navigate the world as the archangels they used to be and the brothers they're desperately trying to be again. Their bonds of brotherhood aren't easily torn apart, though, and something their enemies would be wise to realize.

Customs of the County by TheMarvelousTolkienJob.

Summary: All Sam wanted was to be normal. Go to school. Make friends. Spend quality time with his family. Only, the universe seemed to be conspiring against him and even these simple experience were turning out to be anything but that. Instead, he gets a rigged school system, an absent father, and an upset brother.

A New Beginning by MonPetitTresor.

Summary: After Chuck and Amara make up, they reveal their new plans - and they're nothing like what anyone had expected.

For Your Own Good 'verse by mentholpixie.

Summary: “Don't worry, Dean. I'll be a good little soldier and do everything Dad says. Promise.” Sam doesn't know how right he is.

On Our Own by authoressnebula.

Summary: When Sam is fifteen, his dad makes a decision based on a dark future he was apparently shown by an 'angel': split his sons up and abandon his youngest to keep that future at bay. Dean refuses to let it happen, but if they want to stay together, there's only one option: run.

[deadwerewolfgirlfriend]

Supernatural season 1 + the first half of the major arcana (explanations below the cut)

0. The Fool: Sam

Kind of self-explanatory. Sam is the Hero at the start of his journey, knowing nothing yet. The Fool upright represents innocence, youth, and new beginnings. This is him at the end of 1.01 Pilot where he lays down in bed to see Jess burning on the ceiling.

1. The Magician: Dean

The Magician upright means that you have all the skills necessary to be successful. It's a time in your life when you have power. About other people, it can mean someone who impresses you or someone you can learn from. It also means someone crafty and intelligent, who's creative and able to utilize the resources at hand to accomplish their goals. For the Sam-centric storyline of season 1, Dean is that someone. He's a major part of pulling Sam back into hunting. I chose this scene from 1.02 for him just because I watched the episode recently and I think he's adorable here -- and in stark contrast to how he appears in later seasons.

2. The High Priestess: Jess

Upright, the High Priestess represents personal clarity and wisdom. Reversed, she represents ambiguity, a disconnect with the inner self, and secrets not yet uncovered. Jess's relationship with Sam in 1.01 Pilot is one based on only partial understanding; she doesn't know about hunting or monsters or who he is (and at this point neither does he). Her death only complicates things. Sam doesn't know why, and his journey is driven by the need to avenge her and Mary's death and to find answers.

3. The Empress: Mary

Opinions are divided on whether The Empress symbolizes femininity and sensuality or femininity and maternal energy. In some interpretations The Empress can represent the mother and The Emperor the father. The Empress upright represents fertility, in this case motherhood, and also beauty and nurturing. Upright the card encourages the querent to trust themselves and to listen to their intuition. This scene is from 1.09 Home when Mary's spirit appears to save Sam from another ghost and to apologize to him, though he doesn't yet know why.

4.

The Emperor represents authority, foundation, law and order. All things associated with the father. Reversed, he represents someone who is too controlling and inflexible, unable to see another point of view. He is purely logical and devoid of human instinct. In John's case, the boys see their father as a rigid, austere authority figure who seems to always have the answers, but at the same time is leading them on a wild goose chase, sending them on case after case as they try to find him. He's obsessed with avenging Mary's death, but he has moments where he breaks the mold, surprising the boys when he's able to be tolerant of Sam's powers, when he admits that they're right, when he "wastes" a bullet from the Colt to kill a vampire that's about to kill Sam in this scene in 1.20 Dead Man's Blood. And yet he remains predictable: Dean knows that Azazel is possessing his father in 1.22 because John wouldn't be proud of him.

5. The Heirophant: Missouri

The Heirophant upright represents spiritual wisdom in the self, and a mentor or guide in others to focus the Hero on their journey. Missouri is a tangible example to the boys that Sam's power doesn't necessarily make him evil, an idea that the Winchesters are all concerned about for more than just the first season. In 1.09 Home, she's hiding John from them at his request, surprised that even with Sam's powers as strong as they are, he couldn't sense his father there. I chose this specific scene because of the visual of the Heirophant fading from John to Missouri: John is their teacher, but Missouri has just as valuable a lesson for them to learn.

6. The Lovers: Sam and Dean

Not Wincest. If you feel strongly that it is about Wincest to you and want to engage with this edit as such, do ya thang, but it's not my intention as the creator. Rather than necessarily romantic or sexual relationships, the Lovers are about harmony, choice, and accountability. The Hero, halfway through his journey, is no longer innocent, and the consequences of his choices are his own. Reversed, the Lovers represent disharmony, dishonesty, unhealthy relationships, and an inability to find balance. In 1.16 Shadow the boys have finally found their father, but just as they escape from Meg and the Daevas, Dean realizes that John needs to stay away from them for their own safety, while Sam, even despite his issues with John, objects. The brothers are on different wavelengths here, and the camerawork in this specific scene reflects how they're experiencing the story on totally different planes.

7. The Chariot: Baby

This one is also self-explanatory. The Chariot represents forward movement, and carries the Hero on his journey. The car being a character unto itself is not only a slice of Americana but a manifestation of the unspoken main character of the show, which is the relationship between the brothers. This scene from 1.01 Pilot literally represents the start of the journey.

8. Strength: Sam

The Strength card is what it says on the label, both physical and emotional strength, and all the traits that go hand in hand: bravery, courage, facing fear of the unknown and being gentle with the self.

However, Strength has an interesting history. In old versions of the deck, Strength is represented by Heracles beating two lions into submission, from the Greek stories of his Twelve Labors. When tarot became a thing more close to what we know now in 14th century Italy, the animal and the beast were symbols of the Devil (put a pin in this part of the journey until season 4). In that time the thing to do was to beat the devil (put a pin in that until season 13), a violent display of man triumphing over nature. Later, Heracles became an unnamed female figure, and the two lions became one. Instead of man vs. nature, the card became taming the lion, acceptance of the beast and acceptance of parts of the self which are unpleasant or horrifying.

In 1.05 Bloody Mary, Sam has been keeping a secret from Dean that he saw visions of Jess's death before it happened. He uses that secret to lure out the titular monster so that she can be defeated. Though he wars with his own nature, he comes to accept it as something he can use to achieve his goals.

9. The Hermit: Azazel in the nursery

Well, he's literally hiding from them. But the Hermit also represents the Hero succumbing to parts of their life yet unconfronted along their journey. Reversed, he represents an individual isolated from the outside world, a recluse. He can also represent that the Hero isn't taking the time to self-reflect, constantly pushing but not considering the self. The Hermit can be a person but also the issue of the Hero hitting a wall and realizing their journey is far from over. Azazel is a force to be reckoned with for the first two seasons and the Winchesters all experience tunnel vision when it comes to hunting him down. In this scene in 1.21 Salvation he disappears from the nursery before Sam can shoot him, then reappears in the flames in the window seemingly to taunt them. For as much as the brothers have learned and done, there's still more left to the story.

10. Wheel of Fortune: Azazel as John

The Wheel is the perpetual motion of life. It has no agenda or intent, it just is, and while it does not literally represent death, it does represent the death of the life previously lived and the constant metamorphosis of the Hero. While it is often taken to mean a good future when upright and bad luck when reversed, the Wheel is not that simple. It forces the Hero to make choices, good or bad, and reap the consequences, much like Azazel in 1.22 Devil's Trap forces the brothers each to choose between letting him go to save their father, or killing him while he's possessing John. It's a central feature of Supernatural that when the heroes finally confront the villains, they and the audience realize that they were always going to end up here. For that reason I chose to display it as a card that exists both upright and reversed. The Wheel of Fortune, simply, is.

[ptolemaeaszns]

how do you imagine samdean first time? do you think it happened pre of post the siren? (i personally love the idea of sam offering himself to dean before dean goes to hell, but there’s also something about sam being mostly oblivious about dean’s non brotherly attraction to him and only fully realizing it because of the siren)

hmmm although i enjoy early show wincest, i do like the idea of them having their first time after dean brings sam back from the dead. probably after sam finds out dean only has one year left. the guilt and tenderness and anger of it all… however i also like the idea that they don’t get together until later in the series, like maybe after the siren, or even later than that. i think after the siren sam suddenly understands that dean wants him and dean knows and is internally panicking and it just adds another layer onto the stress of the whole situation over ruby and the demon blood and the extremely rocky nature of their relationship at the time. deans panic translates into anger and frustration because of course it does. maybe they break down and fuck during the stress of it all or maybe they both silently acknowledge it and it adds this weird layer of intensity to all their interactions and makes everything more complicated. maybe they don’t seal the deal and have sex until sam gets his soul back because dean can’t take not having his little brother anymore.

[tidbit-fanfic]

A/N: WOW did this take forever. Did you think I’d honestly leave Forever & Always as it was? Here’s your fix-it-fic, part two to Forever & Always, but of course you don’t have to read this if you don’t want to fix things. That’s fine.

TW: 18+ Smut, protected sex (wrap your willy silly), car sex, blood, cannon level violence, angsty angst, the l-word, Micheal, mention of castration, spanking, makeup/angry sex?, fluffy fluff

No one ever said breakups were easy. Months passed before I could even look Dean in the eye again, and more passed until we returned to how we were before the relationship had ever happened. We formed a close bond and worked together on case after case. I accompanied Castiel and Kelly when the Winchesters were arrested, and I became a major support during Kelly’s pregnancy, within the limits set by Cas. When they busted out to raise more hell? I was there to help clean up after them. 

Things became rocky when Dean began lashing out towards Jack. I slammed my fist into his jaw one time. I don’t regret it, and I don’t think I ever will. He left in a huff after, ignoring me, as Sam and I tried to make sense of everything. A whirlwind of catastrophic events later, Dean stepped forward, doing the one thing he promised he never would: let Micheal in. 

“Anyone find anything?” 

“Sam, we’ve been searching for weeks, and every time you ask that question, what’s the answer?”

The younger Winchester pushes his hand through his hair, a deep sigh leaving his lungs. “Just hoping for something.”

“I know. You miss him, but we’re working overtime to scrounge up anything on him. Have you even slept in the past twenty-four hours?” I stand from the rickety chair I’d been sitting in for the past hour, looking into Sam’s eyes. His face quickly switched to one of guilt, a shy, school-boyish look taking over his features. My hands found their place on my hips, taking on a motherly stance. “Go. Sleep. Now.”

“But—”

“Now, Samuel.” He runs off to his room to get some sleep, hopefully. I turn back to my small team of five people. They all shake their heads, a couple returning their eyes to the screen sitting before them. With no sign of Dean, Sam and Mary have become overly stressed, constantly checking in on any form of a lead. Meanwhile, Jack and Cas are out doing their own little thing, leaving me to manage this small team, checking sources daily. Micheal must be covering his tracks extremely well because our facial scanners have reported back nothing about Dean, or any unnatural glitching. 

I walk my way into the kitchen, searching for a distraction. These past few weeks, I organized and reorganized the kitchen at least three times. It’s become my solitude after losing Dean yet again. I pulled out some ingredients and began cooking dinner for everyone in the bunker, hoping that by keeping my hands busy, I could distract my mind. 

“So, you’re going to follow this lead alone?” I cross my arms, narrowed eyes sizing up the Winchester standing in front of me, resulting in Sam shaking his head.

“I’m meeting up with mom and Bobby on the way.”

“Fine,” I say, pushing off of the table, watching as he goes to turn. “And Sam?”

“Yes?”

“Bring him back.”

Sam looks at me, a hint of remorse playing in his eyes. He goes to open his mouth before I wave him off, making my way to Jack’s room. I raise my hand and knock, waiting for Jack’s response. The door creaks as I open it, revealing the young male who has been living with us for some time. 

“Hey, buddy. How’s it going?”

“I mean, better now. Cas is finally beginning to see that I can help on hunts.”

I nod, sitting at the foot of his bed. “Did Sam tell you…”

“He did.” 

“Oh,” I state, racking my brain for ways to keep the conversation flowing when the blonde pipes up.

“You still care for him. Don’t you?”

My eyes snap up to Jack’s. “Jack. It’s difficult.”

“It’s not though. You should tell him when he’s back.”

“I can’t do that, he’s…it's…complicated.”

The male tilts his head, eyes searching my face for an explanation. I sigh, “I, well, he was the one who messed up, and I just took it. I accepted he didn’t like me enough to work through it. Then I fell apart, Jack, and I can’t live through that again.” 

“Is that truly how you feel?”

“There is no other way. We can’t, he can’t change what he did. I can’t forgive him for making me a second choice.”

Jack reached forward, resting a hand on mine, the other to wipe away the tears that fell. “But you still love him.”

“Yes,” I whisper. “But I can’t have him.”

“Y/N, I know I may not have been on this earth for long, but I’ve seen enough to say this: if you love him, give Dean a second chance. You never know how things might go this time around.”

I stand, wiping my face. “No Jack, I can’t” 

I leave his room, returning to the main part of the bunker, not before grabbing a glass of alcohol to numb the pain. I join the research team in the library, sitting in one of the few comfy chairs while Jack’s words echo through my head. “Give him a second chance. You never know how things might go this time around.”

 Heavy footsteps resonate through the bunker, Cas re-entering from Jack’s room, a look of shock crossing his features. “Dean?”

I watch as Cas wraps Dean into a hug, setting my glass on a nearby table as Dean’s voice rings out. “Hey, Cas.”

One of the few extra hunters walks up to Sam, running him through the information we collected since his departure. Meanwhile, Dean looks around at all the new bodies occupying the bunker. I turn my head away, beginning to make my way towards my room to avoid interaction with him, but it seems as if fate has other plans, with one of my subordinates stepping into my field of vision. “Cap? We have a couple of updates on that nest you asked about?”

“Show me what you have.” I look down at the tablet, littered with pins displaying the nest’s pattern of migration. I listen as they explain the situation, ignoring the presence creeping in from behind me. 

“Okay, send out a small group, maybe five? Check in with Sam to get it approved and run a couple of facial scans to ensure that they are where you’re predicting. Good work.”

“On it Captain.” 

“Captain? That’s an interesting nickname.” Jumping at the rough voice, I turn to meet a pair of forest green eyes I used to call home. I look him up and down, taking in the state of him, and maybe, just maybe, appreciating the archangel’s fashion taste, paired with Dean’s attempt at making it comfortable. As I meet his eyes, I can't help but force a smile, refusing to reveal my emotions.

“Dean! It’s so great to see you in one piece. Sam had us searching everywhere for you.”

“Sam did? It wasn’t you?” 

“He was driving himself sick.”

He nods, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck. “Look, Y/N, I know we—”

“Captain?” Another voice cuts through his sentence, and I turn to see Charlie holding out a tablet, nodding to Dean before redirecting her attention to me. 

“The reports you wanted just came back. Our predictions were right. Ketch’s team is nearby, just a couple of miles down the way. We’re sending them the info on the nest right now.” 

“Thank you, Charlie. And it’s really great to see you back, Dean. Especially in one piece.” I turn, heading back to my room, this time without interruptions. I close the door behind me, sliding down against it before rubbing my temples. Breakups aren’t easy, and living in the same space as your ex just makes it worse. 

The next morning, I’m up before everyone else, starting coffee and breakfast for the bunker. A sweaty Sam enters the kitchen, grabs a glass of water, and then presumably leaves to take a shower before the hustle of the bunker begins. I relax into the routine I’ve put myself into since Dean left, mundane tasks I easily get lost in. Breakfast is finished before I return to my room, a notification lighting up my phone’s screen from Sam. I flip my phone over, opting for a couple more hours of sleep before dealing with him. 

The sound of knocking wakes me up, as my door moves slightly with the action. I open it, coming face-to-face with Sam. Taking a step back, I rush to smooth down my hair while Sam lets out a low whistle. “And I thought my bedhead was bad.”

I throw a middle finger at him, glaring as he chuckles. “What do you want?”

“Just got a case in.” He walks in, taking a seat at my desk, opening his laptop to reveal a newspaper article. Man Reported Missing By Girlfriend: Claims A Giant Woman-Bird Took Him. 

“Are we sure she’s not just crazy?”

“Yes, multiple police reports of missing men in the area have a claim of ‘giant woman-birds’ taking them. Seems like an us problem.”

I look over his shoulder at the reports, showing drawn portraits of the attackers. “Jesus, those look like harpies. Tricky little buggers, but should be a ‌simple case. Give me ten minutes and I’ll be ready.”

“Good, see you then.”

Ten minutes later, I cross the threshold to the garage, eyes scanning it for the younger Winchester. The passenger side window of the Impala rolls down, revealing Dean, sitting in the driver’s seat. “C’mon, we don’t have all day. If Sam’s right about the feeding patterns, they’re gonna strike again tonight.” 

I look over my shoulder to the door of the garage. “Speaking of Sam, where is he? I thought it was just going to be us on this hunt?”

“Nope. Just me and you, princess.”

“Don’t call me that.” I open the door, tossing my bag into the backseat before climbing in, staying as far away from Dean as possible. He grumbles something under his breath, throwing Baby into drive and leaving the bunker. This was going to be a long hunt. 

Blood hit my face as my knife sliced through a harpy’s wing. The creature let out a screech before turning to me, its teeth elongating as it prepared to attack. I raised an arm to push back when a gunshot rang through the air. She fell to the ground, revealing a blood-covered Dean standing behind her. I dropped my arm, huffing and kicking at the dead body of the woman. We had destroyed the nest,and all the harpies within it, leaving only one last step before we could head to a hotel and get cleaned up. I looked at Dean, whose eyes remained locked on me with worry. “You ready to burn these bitches?”

A smirk broke out on his face. “You know it.”

I giggled beneath my breath, grabbing a container of gasoline before returning to the building. I poured it on top of the bodies, as well as the makeshift nests, before returning to Baby. Dean pulled a zippo from his pocket, striking it before throwing it into the door. We both leaned back onto the vehicle, watching as the building went up in flames, the adrenaline slowly beginning to leave our systems. 

I turn, looking at the man beside me. While checking him over for any wounds, noticing his shoulder bleeding. Claw marks from where the harpy attempted to take him. I reach out, pulling the torn fabric from the wound for a closer look. “Crap, Dean, this looks like it hurts.”

“I hadn’t noticed.” He shrugs, tensing as my hands work over his wound. “First aid is in the backseat.”

I nod, going to get it, ready to be done with the hunt. “Alcohol incoming.”

After I ensure he won't get an infection, I thread a fishing line into place, starting the first stitch, causing a hiss to rip from his mouth. Stitch after stitch, I tend to the injury, patching over it with some hydrocolloid bandages before stepping back. 

My eyes flutter open, revealing unfamiliar scenery. Dean looks up from his phone. “All good. Just taking a pit stop. Showers are over there.”

“I thought we were going to a motel?” I rub my eyes, reaching over the seat for my bag. 

“I thought it’d be pretty stupid, considering we’re only five hours from home. I was just gonna clean up and nap a bit before finishing the drive.”

I nod leaving the Impala and making my way to the shower building, clutching my pocket knife in my right hand as a safety precaution. I knew Dean had parked in an area where he could see the entrance, but it never hurt to be a little extra cautious. I entered the station, locking myself into one stall and starting the shower. Peeling my crusty clothes from off, I rinsed them in the water, hoping to remove some of the blood. I climbed into the shower, scrubbing away the gore painted on my body. My mind wandered to our situation. 

I had slept in the Impala with Dean many times, mostly when the motel was out of vacancies, leaving us to find a station similar to this. Sam would stretch out in the backseat while I cuddled up to Dean, safe in his arms. Back when I trusted him with my life. Now, I can’t trust him as far as I could throw him. ‘Give him a second chance.’ If only it were that easy.

I return to the Impala, devoid of monster blood. Dean’s head was lolled back, resting against the seat. I knocked on the window before opening my door, ensuring he wouldn’t shoot me. He opened his eyes, a strained smile covering his features when he saw me. I climbed in and curled up against the door, hoping to catch a little more sleep. Minutes passed before his deep timbre echoed through the car. “I know you’re still up.”

“Not the point Dean. I’m trying to sleep, what you should be doing.”

“I can’t.”

I opened my eyes, turning to him. “Why not?”

“It’s,” he swallowed. “Nothing. Sorry.”

“No, it’s not nothing. What’s wrong?”

He scrubbed his hand down his face, looking out his window. “Micheal fucked with my head.”

“I thought you couldn’t remember anything?”

“I lied somewhat. He was awful Y/N. Showing me the things he would do if I didn’t obey. I—I can’t get the images out of my head.” His voice became tight with emotion.

“Hey, hey. It’s okay. He’s gone now.” 

“That’s not the point. Micheal threatened Sam, mom, Cas, Jack, but the worst? He threatened you. God, Y/N, if you saw half of what he was going to do to you, you wouldn’t want to be anywhere near me.”

“Dean. He’s gone. We’ll find him, kill him and you’ll be fine.”

“Damn it Y/N, you don’t get it do you?”

“I don’t get what?”

“I love you! That’s why he threatened you.” I look into his forest-green eyes, studying the pain and anguish hidden behind them. 

“You don’t get to say that.”

“And why not?” 

I rest my back against the door, as far from him as possible. “You dumped me, remember? For a one-month-old? Not to mention how much of an asshole you were during the whole Amara situation.”

“I’m—”

“No Dean. You hurt me. You showed me just how little you care about me. You wouldn’t have even thought about her twice if you actually loved me. When Micheal convinced you to say yes, and you disappeared, I knew there was no fixing this. One day you're gonna find someone else and leave me just like you did the first time. I can’t go through that again. It would kill me.” I look at him, tears threatening to break through. “I love you. But I can’t do this to myself again”

“I won’t do it again, baby. Forever & al—”

“No!” My sob catches in my throat as I hug myself. “Forever doesn’t exist. Always means occasionally to you Dean.”

“Baby—”

“Stop.” I close my eyes, the pain slowly turning into anger. “I don’t want to hear it.”

Silence envelopes the space between us, leaving an awkward feeling between us.  

A sigh echoes from him, his hand running through his hair. “I know I fucked up. The Mark made me an absolute asshole, and I knew you deserved better. I tried real hard to bottle up those emotions I had for Amara, knowing they were only because of some weird mark-magic shit. After the whole demon ordeal, I knew you deserved better, so I quit trying. I had to hurt you to get you to leave me. I couldn’t run the risk of hurting you again.”

“Dean, that's not your discussion to make.”

“Isn’t it? I’m the one who was going to hurt you. It was me who took the Mark.”

“You don’t think I would’ve done the same to save the world? You’re really fucking dense if you can’t see I would’ve done the exact same thing. The only difference between you and me? I wouldn't have pushed you away for some random creature. Especially a baby!”

“Damnit Y/N. You don’t get it.”

“Then help me understand.” 

His eyes flicker from mine to my lips. “I love you so goddamn much, that hurting you would be hell all over again. And this time, not even Chuck could pull me out.”

My breath caught in my chest. “You don’t mean that.”

“Evey fucking word.”

I look out the window, mulling over his words. “Dean. I—”

“Fuck it.” Dean undoes his seatbelt, grabbing my jaw and forcing his lips to mine. Gasping, I open for his tongue, our saliva mixing into an intoxicating elixir. I throw my arms over his shoulders, pulling on the hairs at the nape of his neck. He pulls back exposing his neck, as I kiss along his jawline. I nip and suck beautiful bruises into his skin, pulling at the neckline of his shirt to reveal more of his skin. His hands go to grip my ass, pulling me over to straddle him. I lean back, making contact with his lust-darkened eyes and swollen lips. My hips grind down, a familiar ache developing in my lower stomach. Dean bites his lip, watching my hips as I rock against the zipper of his jeans, his erection pulling the fabric taut. I bring my lips to his again, small pecks while his hand rests around my throat,wringing a whine from me. “Princess, get your ass to the backseat now.”

I climbed into the back of the Impala, Dean following right on my tail, grinding his clothed cock against my ass as the door shut behind us. I went to turn around, stopped only by the sting of his hand meeting the meat of my ass. “Nuh uh, pretty girl, hands and knees.” 

“Asshole.” A crack rings through the air, his hand meeting my butt once again. 

“What was that again? Couldn't hear it over your bratty attitude.”

I lean my head on my arms, biting my lip to keep from saying anything else. Dean played with the waistband of my leggings, pulling the band just to let it snap against my skin. I push back into him, needing him urgently. Finally, he pulls my leggings and panties down, leaving them tangled up in my knees. Hands trace up my thighs, thumbs spreading my lower lips apart. “Jesus. Why’d I give this up? Such a pretty pussy, just begging for attention” 

“Don’t tease.”

“‘M not baby, just enjoying the view.” He trails his fingers through my folds, fingertips catching on my clit with each drag. Returning to my entrance, he slips his ring finger into me, curling it upward before he adds another. Suddenly, he pulls away, the sounds of his belt being undone sending a rush of anticipation through me. Dean slides his cock along my cunt, coating himself in the wetness fund there. “Wait, wait.”

“What’s wrong?” He leans back, removing his hands from my body. 

“Condom?” 

“Right, right, shit.” Dean climbs over the seat, popping open the glove box to get the needed protection. His jeans and boxers sit on his thighs, cock bobbing as he rolls the condom over it. “Good?”

“Good. Now get in here, cowboy.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

He breaches my entrance, pushing into my heat, causing a whimper to leave my lips, shaped into his name. The cool metal of his belt buckle presses against the back of my thigh when he bottoms out, his groan vibrating against my back. “Dean, move.”

He tucks his head into my shoulder, a deep groan releasing from his chest. “Sweetheart, if I move, I’m gonna cum like a goddamn pre-teen. Give me a second.”

Rocking my hips back onto him, I earn myself another breathy moan. “Please, Dean?”

“Shit. You’re gonna be the death of me, baby.” He pulls back, my pussy encouraging him to return home. His hips snap to mine, balls tapping at my clit. I arch my back, panting as I meet each of his thrusts. He sits back, hands finding their place on my hips, dragging me back. “Look at you, such a perfect slut for me, aren’t ya? All for me.”

I moan as his hips speed up, the tip hitting the spongy spot inside me. Dean lands another slap on my ass, leaning forward to kiss the place under my ear. “You’re dripping, soaking my cock so well. And you said you didn’t miss this.”

He grinds into me, the icy feeling of the buckle pressing deep into the heat of my thigh. Baby’s windows fog up, our breaths intertwining in ecstasy as he speeds up, going harder, faster, deeper. Dean’s hand slides up my back, knotting into my hair, pulling me up to my knees, without slowing down. “God baby, your pussy is the closest thing to heaven I’ve ever felt. Fuck. Such a good girl for, shit, for me.” 

  I clench around his cock, my orgasm within reach. “Dean, I, I need—”

“I know, princess, I know.” His other hand wraps around the front of my waist, slipping between my folds as he finds my clit, circling it with the right amount of pressure. My head falls onto his shoulder, shameless moans exchanged between us as my climax comes closer and closer. “Dean.”

“C’mon babydoll, cum fr’me.” With that, I reach the heavens, Dean following close behind with a couple of thrusts before he spills into the condom. We lay there, breaths intermingling as he tucks his head into my neck again, pressing soft kisses to the skin there. I pull him away, looking into those enchanting green eyes of his. 

“Fuck you, Dean Winchester.”

He laughs, pressing a kiss to my lips. “You just did, sweetheart.”

After cleaning up, again, I curl up on his chest in the back seat, satisfied and secure, as Dean traces patterns along my back, his breath evening out. 

“Dean.” He hums. “I meant what I said earlier. I truly love you.”

“I love you too sweet—”

“But if you break my heart this time, I will cut off your dick.”

“Fair. Now can you go to sleep? I fuckin’ exhausted.”

I giggle at his wording, snuggling into his chest again. Breakups are hard, but when you’re hopelessly in love, it’s hard to remember the pain. Unfortunately, I fell in love with Dean Winchester, and by fate’s design, he fell in love with me. 

[starseneyes]

Part II - Destiel Meta - Dean Winchester / Castiel - Supernatural

You came back!? I am so glad I didn’t scare you off, because Part I was long.

I mean, not as long as the Garashir Meta, but still hella long.

If you’re ready for Part II, I’m so excited to share it with ya!!

WARNING: I’m one fan and these are just my thoughts and opinions. We all have our own! I don’t think mine are any more valid than anyone else’s. They’re just mine.

SPOILERS: Everything is fair game. You are forewarned!

Are we ready? Yeah, I think we’re ready. Let’s dive in to Seasons 6-8!

S6E03 -

“Come on, Cas. Don’t be a dick. Got ourselves a plague-like situation down here. Do you copy?” “Like I said, son of a bitch doesn’t answer… he’s right behind me, isn’t he?” “Hello.” “Hello?” “Yes.” “I spent all that time trying to get through to you. Dean calls once and it’s ’hello’.” “Yes., So, what, you like him better or something?” “Dean and I do share a more profound bond. I wasn’t going to mention it.”

This whole thing is insane. Now, Cas will shortly correct them that he didn’t come down just because Dean asked—the timing had to do with the Staff of Moses.

But, the rest is true. Yes, Dean has a bond with Cas. And it goes both ways.

Kinda like Dean, am I right?

Okay, sorry. That one was just begging to be written. I’ll get back to the Meta.

“Just because we have some sort of a bond or whatever.”

One thing about Dean is no matter what people say about him and Cas, he never denies it. Have you noticed that? Whether one or the other is a “pet” or someone says Cas is in love with him, or they acknowledge Cas likes him… he never corrects them.

And here he goes so far as to confirm it. He literally says “just because we have some sort of bond”, here. He acknowledges that they do have a bond—something that is just between Cas and Dean.

And people had the nerve to tell y’all you were crazy. I am so sorry.

“You think I came because you called? I came because of this.” “Well, it’s nice to know what matters.”

I’m sorry, Dean, are you insulted your bond isn’t enough to drag Cas down from Heaven?! Like, there’s a note of disappointment in that tone. Wow!

“Sam, Dean. My people skills are rusty. Pardon me, but I have spent the last year as a multidimensional wave of celestial intent. But, believe me, you do not want that weapon down here. Help me find it. Or more people will die.” “Alright. Okay.”

I like Cas’ little nod after Dean gets moving. He’s pleased. He’s thankful. He’s relieved. He got through to his human situationship. Win for the bond!

“There’s gotta be another way.” “There is no other way.” “You’re gonna torture a kid.” “I can’t care about that, Dean. I don’t have the luxury.”

And everything in my head is screaming “I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you”.

We aren’t there, yet, obviously. But the groundwork is laid for just how far Castiel will grow because of Dean.

I don’t know who’s on first, what’s on second.” “What is second?” “Don’t start that.”

Communication is one of the most important things in any relationship, right? These two don’t even speak the same language, yet, and somehow they’re already arguing like a married couple with poor Sammy in the middle.

“Why didn’t you tell us this? “I was ashamed. I expected more from my brothers. I’m sorry. Now, I need your blood.” “Woah, hey!”

I love how Dean protests, but still lets Cas have his blood. He still trusts Cas, even if he would have appreciated a heads-up first.

“I know. I’ve been hearing all about you, and as far as I’m concerned, you and me, Cas, nothing’s changed. We’re brothers. … You did more than rebel. You tore up the whole script and burned the pages for all of us.”

Brothers are complicated. I have two. They sometimes fought and sometimes conspired to hide rear end collisions from our parents (one hit the other from behind at a stop light… it was fine).

I’m the eldest in my family, with a half brother I was raised with, and a step-brother and step-sister who joined our family when I was 16. But my brothers are both my brothers.

And there are all sorts of brothers out there. The Winchesters are one kind. The Angels are another. And I’d pick the Winchesters any day if I had to pick the best brothers on this show, complicated and fucked up as they may be.

“Why won’t any of you listen?” “They don’t listen Castiel because their hearts are mine.”

And here we see that concept of Angel loyalty versus romantic love. But, Cas’ “loyalties” and “sympathies” are shifting deeper—and everyone can see it.

"Castiel, I stood for you in heaven. Are you going to let-“ “I believe the hairless ape has the floor.”

Cas looks meaningfully to Dean, to see him looking back. When Dean shifts to Balthazar, the Angel in the fire makes a quick assessment and chuckles to himself. Damnit, he clocked them. He cloked them fast.

And he realizes that it’s not gonna end well for him, because even if he and Castiel are brothers, Cas and Dean are something more. Yeah, he’s fucked. So, he does as the hairless ape says.

S6E06 -

“Did you call Cas?” “Of course I called Cas. He’s not answering. Screw him. I can’t wait anymore.”

We know that Cas is dealing with a literal war up there. He’s a bit pressed for time. And, honestly this is one of those arcs where I get super annoyed with the Winchester boys.

Like, Castiel has an Army to command to keep Armageddon from restarting and y’all have the audacity to criticize his response time!?

Cas is an imperfect character (because perfect characters are boring and don’t make any choices that are interesting to watch), but no wonder he fucking goes to the Dark Side with friends like y’all.

And, yes, Cas screwed the pooch at that Cross Roads. He really really did. But the Winchesters ain’t peaches this year, either, as far as their treatment of their emotional support Angel.

“Castiel. Hello? Possible loose nuke down here, angelic weapon. Kinda your department. You hear that Cas?”

Dean turns around and the camera swoops to show Cas.

“Hello Dean.” “Are you kidding me? I have been on red alert about Sam, and you come for some stupid horn?” “You asked me to be here and I came.” “I’ve been asking you to be here for days, you dick!”

Castiel is surprised by the attitude, but he doesn’t understand just how huge it is for Dean to reach out for help, to pray to Cas, to believe in and trust him.

It’s a big shift in their relationship from Dean’s side because he wants Cas to be on his speed dial.

Yes, we still used Speed Dial back then. We also had a Top 8 on MySpace. It was a simpler time.

“I didn’t come about Sam because I have nothing to offer about Sam.” “Well, that’s great, because for all we know, he’s just gift wrap for Lucifer.” “No he’s… he’s not Lucifer.” “And how do you know that?” “If Lucifer escaped the cage, we’d feel it.”

This whole thing is kinda insane. Cas feels Dean’s anger, he doesn’t just see it.

And since he doesn’t have answers, he picks up the bottle and carries out a bloody act of service to show he cares. He is doing something for Dean because he can’t do what he wishes—give Dean answers about Sam.

My husband will do this, sometimes. If he knows I’m super stressed about work and struggling through the week, he’ll pick me up a latte or offer to drive the kids to an extracurricular. These little acts of service are his ways of helping me when he can’t help with the real issue.

Did I marry Castiel? Maybe… But I am definitely more like Dean, so I guess that makes sense.

“What is wrong with him?” “I don’t know Dean. I’m sorry.” “What happened to you, Cas? You used to be human, or at least like one.” “I’m at War.”

It’s already begun… Cas pulling away because he’s doing what he thinks needs to be done. He should have consulted someone, should have talked to his friends.

But we have to remember that Castiel is still an Angel trying to do this without human help.

Doesn’t make it right, let’s be clear. He’s still making the wrong choice. But we understand why he makes this choice just as much as we understand why Dean is lashing out at Cas. He’s lashing out at anyone who he perceives as not taking this Sammy thing as seriously as he is.

Doesn’t make it right. But at least we understand where the character is coming from.

“Well, nice seeing you anyway.” {Dean turns away}. “Dean.” “What?” “About your brother. I, I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but I do want to help. I’ll make inquiries.”

Cas wants to help. He wants to do things for Dean, still. But he’s hiding a big fucking secret, and that type of thing inevitably leads to distance. Just as Dean is reaching out, Cas is pulling back. It’s heartbreaking, truth be told.

S6E07 -

Cas works to diagnose Sam, and once the “no sleeping" thing comes up, alarm bells go off in Castiel’s head. Cas looks to Dean and begins removing his belt. Dean notices, but doesn’t seem as concerned as Sam does. I don’t know why, but that detail always makes me smile.

Dean’s like, “Well, okay, Cas, if you need to remove your belt, why not” whereas Sam is wondering what the hell Cas is going to do with the belt.

“Well, recap it for our wingman.” “You’re scrawnier than I imagined.” “This is a vessel. My true form is roughly the size of your Chrysler building..” “All right, alright, quit bragging.”

I’m sorry, is Dean commenting on the size of… ahem Cas? Because, He’s an Angel.

Like, crazy amount of wings and eyes and not a penis to be found. But, it’s another example of Dean’s joking about sex to cut through the tension in a room.

“I’m in the middle of a civil war.” “Well, you better tear the attic up. Find something to help Sam.” “Of course. Your problems always come first. I’ll be in touch.”

Like, seriously, Dean. What the fuck!? He is literally fighting a War and you’re like, “but my baby brother!”

And, yes, Cas is also doing stupid, horrible things in the name of this war, but Dean shows so little concern for it that why the fuck would Cas trust him with his batshit plan now!?

These boys just cannot communicate.

S6E10 -

“I’m mid-battle, Sam.” “I could give a rat’s ass about your little pissing match with Raphael. … If you don’t help us now, I will hunt you down and kill you.” “Will you, boy? How? … You need help, Sam.” “I need your help.”

This is part of my “you boys are treating your friend like shit and it’s no wonder he made the worst possible choice when you’re treating him like your own personal rent-an-Angel that you never intend to full pay off” rage fest.

“You don’t watch porn in a room full of dudes. and you don’t talk about it. Turn it off.” … “This is what you boys do? Sit around and watch pornos with Angels?” “We’re not supposed to talk about it.”

Cas is exploring the idea of sexuality. Yes, one time Dean tried to get him laid. And we know Cas of the Endverse timeline enjoyed his orgies.

But this is the first time our Cas is exploring the idea of sex and sexuality, and he’s absolutely… surprised by it and his own reaction. Now, was he reacting to the scenario of guy on girl action? Or more the idea of sexuality in general? Hard to know.

From what we’ve seen in the show, he’s not against exploring sexuality with women, and I’m writing this whole bloody meta because of course he’d be up for exploring it with Dean.

But sex isn’t what drives Castiel. He feels far more asexually coded to me. But, again, I could be reading too much into it because of my own life experience.

Cas finds love with Dean. And, for him, that doesn’t need sex. But we’re a long way from that point, when he’s still trying to understand humanity and what it is to be human while still being an angel in a human vessel.

Also, Jimmy, I’m so glad you were already in Heaven at this point. If you were fully aware of what the Angel were doing, I can only wonder if you’d think, “I gave up my life for this!? So the angel can get a boner using my dick!?” Jimmy, my man, I am so sorry.

“You know, Cas, you could help:. … “I’m not sure retrieving Sam’s soul is wise.” “Wait, what? Why?” {Dean crosses closer to Cas} “I want him to survive.” “What are you talking about?”

We switch to a wide shot, finally seeing their positioning and… Hold the phone… Cas is sitting on a bed again? Is this just Misha Collins giving the middle finger to whoever didn’t want him sitting on beds!?

I seriously paused and giggled the first time I saw this.

“Sam’s soul has been locked in the cage with Michael and Lucifer for more than a year and they have nothing to do but take their frustrations out on him. Do you understand? If we try to force that mutilated thing down Sam’s gullet, we have no idea what will happen. It could be catastrophic.” “You mean he dies?” “I mean he doesn’t. Paralysis, insanity, psychic pain so profound that he’s locked inside himself for the rest of his life.” “But you’re saying you don’t know anything for sure. I mean, he could be fine.” “He could be, yes.” “Okay then-“

Cas is trying to protect Dean and Dean is trying to believe in the impossible. Because this is Sam, his baby brother. He’d do anything for Sam.

And Cas is trying to protect Dean from the possible heartbreak of destroying his own brother by trying to fix him.

“But I sincerely doubt it., well if he’s not fine, then you fix him., Dean, I wouldn’t know where to begin.” “Then you figure it out, Cas. Come one. {Dean steps closer} I mean, the guy’s a friggin replicant. He needs his soul.”

Something stops Dean… something he sees in Cas’s face. He backs off the intensity, but doesn’t move out of Cas’ personal space. I mean, for a guy who tried to tell Cas off about it, he invades Cas’ space more than the other way around!

“Look, we get it back, and if there are complications, then we will figure out a way to deal with those, too.” “Of course. {Dean walks away} Or we fail, and Sam suffers horrifically.”

Gosh, this is these two in a nutshell at this point. Dean is all “we’ll figure it out” and Cas is so damn afraid.

“What was that?” “I learned that from the pizza man."

Okay, first off, Misha Collins can kiss. This Ace girl is sitting here going, “Wow, not bad!”

Second, Dean’s reactions during this whole thing are amazing. I just kept rewinding (yes, I still use that term… I’m old) and rewatching Dean processing the whole thing.

Dean starts with, “uh, Cas…” as he points between the door with the hellhounds and the kissing couple. Then, he sort of stops to just observe. Like, “Okay, this is a thing that’s happening now”.

When Cas pulls away and Meg speaks, Cas looks to Dean before he looks back to Meg and responds. And it takes a second for Dean to process that.

Like, he knew Cas was a virgin, but to realize this was his first kiss and he was that good!? Wow, Angel’s knocking it out of the park on the first time up to bat!

“I can’t see jack.”

That’s because he’s not here, yet, Dean. Give it time. You’ll see him soon enough.

“Castiel. Haven’t seen you all season. You the cavalry now?”

Rachel, you wrote this down because you thought it was funny and self-referential, but you missed the bigger picture. See, Crowley’s exaggerating to protect his little business deal. And I totally missed it the first time around.

“Well, she’s smart, I’ll give her that. I was gonna kill her, too. Of course, I’d have given you an hour with her first.” “Why would I want that?”

Oh, my sweet summer child.

“Thanks, Cas. If it hadn’t have been for you -“ “Crowley was right. It’s not going well for me upstairs.” “If there’s anything we can do-”

Ugh. Now you offer to help? After berating him for weeks about being too busy for your bullshit while he’s fighting a literal war!? Too little too late, Dean. Too little too late.

“There isn’t. I wish circumstances were different. Much of the time, I’d rather be here.” “Cas, we know you’ve got a steaming pile on your plate. There’s no need for apologies. We’re your friends.”

I think this is the first time Dean has told Cas they’re friends… that he has shown such gratitude for him… that he offered to help Cas however he needed, if he could.

And, oh, how I wish Dean had said something earlier.

No, I’m not pinning Cas’ shitty decisions on Dean. That’s completely unfair. But I wish Castiel realized just how much he means to Dean before he threw everything away on a deal with a demon.

S6E12 -

“His soul is in place.” “Is he ever gonna wake up?” “I’m not a human doctor, Dean.” “Could you take a guess.” “Okay. Probably not.” “Oh well don’t sugarcoat it.” “I’m sorry, Dean, but I warned you not to put that thing back inside him.” “What was I supposed to do? Let T-1000 walk around and hope he doesn’t open fire?”

Cas approaches Dean, invading his personal space. And I’m reminded of another show where one character invaded the other’s space attempting to assert dominance and instead created heat. These two have it, even when at odds.

“Let me tell you what his soul felt like when I touched it. Like it had been skinned alive, Dean. If you wanted to kill your brother, you should have done it outright.”

Ouch.

“I am so sorry.” Did Bobby-“ “Cas., Cas. Friggin child.” “You should have told me, Dean.” “You weren’t supposed to know.” “What I did? To Bobby? To you? Of course I should know.”

Dean is trying to protect Sam, I get it, but he didn’t tell Cas. So, that’s not about Cas being a child. That’s your being a shit communicator, Dean. Own up to your fuckery, man, and stop deflecting to Cas when shit goes sideways.

Trust me, you’ll have a real reason to be pissed at him soon enough and you should save your rage for then.

S6E15 -

“Maybe here there’s no supernatural, no magic.” “No demons, no hell, no heaven. No God?” “Something like. Even better… no angels”

There’s something interesting to Dean’s reaction there. I mean, yeah, most angels are dicks. But he does have an Angel for a friend.

“Cas, what the hell?” “Wait, you were in on this. Using us as a diversion.” “It was Balthazar’s plan. I would have done the same thing.” “That’s not comforting, Cas.” “When will I be able to make you understand, if I lose against Raphael, we all lose everything.” “Yeah, Cas, we know the stakes. That’s about all you’ve told us.” “I’m sorry about all this. I’ll explain when I can.”

Cas says all of that last bit to Dean. And you can hear the mounting desperation in his voice. He isn’t telling them everything because he’s trying to protect them. He’s trying to keep them out of it—but that is only making it worse.

Castiel, this is only going to end badly. So badly the next season you’re gonna lose your contract and get thrown back into Pilot Season. Er… your vessel will be, anyway.

Gosh, that bit is wild. I mean, to go from a Series Regular to Guest starring for two episodes only to kill your character off in the first five minutes of episode 2 and think, “Welp, that was fun!”

Because, let’s be clear, this type of stuff happens in TV land all the time, and it often has nothing to do with who likes who or anything personal. Writers Rooms sometimes make a choice where a character’s got to go, where it no longer fits the vision.

It happened recently on Sweet Magnolias where the Writers Room realized the inciting incident they needed was to kill off a main character in between seasons and off-camera. The guy was beloved by the team, but it was what the story needed.

If you look at the construction of Season 7, I can see how Castiel just didn’t quite fit where it was headed and what they were doing. So, no, there’s nothing Cas (or Misha Collins, for that matter) could have possibly done in reality to change that. It’s just the business.

But I can be catty with Cas for a bit for his utter ridiculousness this season.

S6E17 -

“Sorry, you have me confused with the other angel. You know, the one in the dirty trench coat who’s in love with you.”

Of course Balthazar’s going to be the first one to use “love” instead of “like”. He has no qualms about decorum and he’s going to call it like he sees it.

And Dean. Doesn’t. Correct. Him. He barely reacts to this news, because somewhere deep down I think he already knows.

I mean, if the smashing him up against the wall last season while shouting about everything he did for Dean wasn’t enough to clue Dean in on something, then he’s denser than I thought.

Dean has more layers than he lets on, maybe more than he realizes.

“You need new friends, Cas.” “I’m trying to save the ones I have, Dean.”

There’s something so soft in Dean’s response to this. Is this the first time Cas referred to them as friends in front of them? I can’t remember another time, but it strikes Dean especially.

“If you don’t go back and sink that boat, I’m gonna kill your two favorite pets.”

In one episode two celestial beings have called out Cas’ attachment to the Winchesters… oops. Word’s spreading!.

“I won’t let you.” “Oh yeah, what are you gonna do?” “Do you really wanna test me?” “Okay, fine. … Kill me, and Sam and Dean are target one. For simple vengeance. You’re not fighting a war or something, right? You can watch them every millisecond of every day. Because maybe you’ve heard, fate strikes when you least expect it. … Set things right before I flick your precious boys off a cliff just on principle.”

The truth is that Cas’ attention has been divided for far too long, and he knows Fate is right. He can’t be in all places at all times.

“Well, I insisted he go back in time and correct what he had done.” “What? Why?” “It was the only way to be sure you were safe.” “So, you killed 50,000 people for us.” “No, they were never born. That’s far different from being killed, wouldn’t you say?”

This sounds a helluva lot like Dean talking to his mom about him and Sam not being born, and how that might fix things.

“You’re the ones who taught me that you can make your own destiny. You don’t have to be ruled by fate. You can choose freedom.”

Oh, honey, it will be so, so long before you are totally free… before you feel ready to uncage yourself… so, this hurts a bit to hear knowing how far you have to go.

Also, he’s trying to talk to them, to reach them, to gain their absolution for what he’s about to do without having the guts to tell them.

He’s so damn afraid this season, and he lets that fear rule him and drive him to his worst self.

“I still believe that that’s something work fighting for. I just wanted you to understand that.”

He wants to tell them the truth so bad. If you go back and watch this after watching through, it’s so clear how much he wants them to know, to understand, to support his unreasonable and irresponsible plan.

“Titanic didn’t suck that bad. Winslet’s rack? {Cas leaves} I’ll tell you one thing about Cas, he does not appreciate the finer things.”

Oh, he does… but he defines it a little differently, love. Don’t worry. You’ll get there.

And I know this isn’t the point, but knowing how awfully Winslet was treated about her beautiful body during this film it made me shudder a little, that line above.

Perhaps it’s being a woman and knowing the impossible beauty standards to which we are held, and the process of reducing us to pieces of ourselves instead of whole humans for the sake of the patriarchy that makes that line hurt.

It’s not the point, I know, but I feel like I’d be remiss if I didn’t address it. Whoever you are, whatever gender or not, I hope you know you are beautiful just the way you are, and you don’t have to live up to anyone’s beauty standards.

S6E18 -

“Castiel {Dean actually stands and bows his head, this time}, the, uh, fate of the world is in the balance. So, come on down here. {Dean peeks for Cas} Come on, Cas. I dream of Jeanie your ass down here, pronto. Please.”

Castiel sends Rachel. And why the hell does the one person to have my name on this show have to be a total bitch?

Now, she isn’t wrong in what she says to Dean and Sam. Sam says they are Castiel’s friends, and yet their prioritize their shit over his every time without consideration for the utter hell he’s enduring. But, yeah, she’s also kind of a bitch.

“I’m sure your issue is very important, but Castiel is currently commanding an army, so-" … “I don’t know who you think you are. “I’m his friend.” “And you think we aren’t?” I think you call him when you need something. We’re fighting a war.” “We get that.” “Clearly you don’t or you wouldn’t call him every time you stub your toe you petty, entitled, little piece of-“

Cas’ divided loyalties are starting to be an issue. Combine that with him making a deal with a demon, and he’s gone a bit off the rails by Angel standards. He asks the boys what they need, and he’s willing to help, always willing to help.

And while we know part of it is his “profound bond” with Dean and attachment to the Winchesters, I think there’s also a touch of guilt.

We later see that he is so conflicted about this plan of his, so much so that he cries out to God for guidance.

But can he atone enough to balance his guilt? Can he do enough for Dean and Sam to prove to him that he’s still the same Angel? Can he prove he’s still their friend while betraying them? Lying to them? Going behind their back to work with the enemy?

S6E19 -

“Why’s it always gotta be me that makes the call, huh? It’s not like Cas lives in my ass. The dude’s busy. Cas, get out of my ass!” “I was never in your-“

Who do I blame for my therapy bills this time!? Clearly, the scene was written in a suggestive manner, but the way it’s played makes it even more unbelievable.

Somewhere mid-sentence Cas—who is stating plain fact—start to register what he’s saying and wonder exactly what the denotation is, here.

And as he puts those pieces together, Dean wonders where the Angel’s mind is going exactly because he knows Cas is now aware of porn and sex.

And then Dean’s eyes widen just a touch before Cas looks away, drops it entirely, and changes the subject.

Was this on the page!? Was this all the actors? Did the director give them any suggestions?! Because, just reading the words is crazy enough, but the way they played it is everything.

“That’s great, because without your power, you’re basically a baby in a trench coat.”

And we’re back to Dean infantilizing Cas and touching on one of Cas’ deepest insecurities—that if he’s useless to Dean, he’s worthless to Dean.

“We need your help here.” “Hold your water. We’ll be back in a few.” “Dean, Dean.”

There’s something so insistent about how this second “Dean” is delivered… like Cas is appealing to Dean in a way we haven’t heard before. That second Dean is pleading. He can’t believe that Dean is going to walk away from this, that he isn’t listening to Cas.

And neither knows it, but this is just chip, chip, chipping away at Cas’ trust in Dean. It’s chipping away at his belief that Dean might know better than he in some situations cough Godstiel cough because Dean is the one not listening with this one.

These two are so stubborn. So similar! (Yes, it’s a Pride & Prejudice reference. And now I’ve distracted myself trying to determine who is Mr. Darcy and who is Lizzie… think I’m settling on Cas as Darcy and Dean as Elizabeth, but feel freee to argue it out in the comments).

“Millions of lives are at stake here, not just two.”

Dean heads out and the Family Theme plays as Dean and Cas watch each other, both frustrated.

Is this the first time the Family Theme has played between them? I know it’s certainly not the last, but I find the placement here fascinating.

They’re going in opposite directions. They’re seeing different things. And yet they’re still family. What an interesting time to remind us of that… right before it all unravels.

“Work for me. It’s a good deal. Bonus, I won’t kill your friends.”

Friends making an appearance from another being, here. No secrets, Castiel. Your attachment to the Winchesters and theirs to you is well-known by now.

“It’s not like Cas to make mistakes like that. Unless.” “Unless?” “Unless he meant to.” “Bobby, this is Cas we’re talking about. Do you believe this?”

In a few seasons, when Dean wants to stab Cas in the neck, it’ll be Sam saying, “Because it’s Cas”.

But right now, Dean Winchester, who has so very few people to trust, trusts Castiel to an extreme level. Maybe that’s why the Family Theme made an appearance—because Dean’s already there with Cas.

And Cas doesn’t even realize it. He doesn’t even know what he’s squandering. He doesn’t know the full depths of his fuck up until it is way too late.

S6E20 -

“Hello, Dean. Are you alright?” “Yeah, I’m fine. How about you?” … “I just don’t understand how Crowley could’ve tricked me.” “Well, he’s a tricky son of a bitch, that’s how.”

Dean wants to believe in Cas so badly… he wants to have faith in him so badly.

At his core, he knows something is wrong, something is off. But it’s Cas who has literally died twice for him, for Dean. That means something to him.

“I’d come if I could.” “Yeah, no, I get it. No worries. But, Cas, you’ll call, right? If you get into real trouble?”

Dean is hoping… hoping that Cas knows he can count on them. But Rachel wasn’t wrong… they just call him when they need something in Season 6. They have in no way shown him that they are there for him, too… not really.

There will be conversations down the line where Dean just checks in with Cas because he can see the Angel needs to talk. There will be points where they confide in one another, where they trust one another to the point that their honesty burns. But we’re not there, yet.

We’re not even to the middle of this story.

I remember when Christian Kane was working on The Librarians and commented about his character, Jake, not knowing how to fight when Kane was well-practiced in it.

His last long-running character, Eliot on Leverage fought from the beginning. But with Jake, they needed to start him off with no training so his character had somewhere to go, something to learn, a direction to grow.

Cas and Dean can’t get it right every time. They can’t always know what to say. They can’t always know what to do. That’s unrealistic, and while I know that’s a silly thing to say about a show based on monsters, demons, and ghosts—we don’t watch the show for the ghoulies. We watch for the characters.

We care about Dean and Sam and Castiel. We watch because we want to see their journeys and we are invested in their stories.

Static characters are rarely interesting. Rounded characters make mistake, make wrong choices, make messes that are impossible to remedy. And as long as they grow through it, we can stick with them. Because it’s about the relationships we, the audience, forge with these fictional characters.

And, yes, this sounds mental, but fandom is an essential part of the fate of a long-running series like this one. That’s why there are still conventions, why Collins and Ackles and Padalecki are still making appearances all these years later on behalf of the characters they were graced with playing.

We connect with these characters and we care about them. And if they were not relatable, it wouldn’t work. It just wouldn’t work. The whole show would fall apart.

So, these characters make bad calls, and wrong choices, and shit decisions. And that’s all part of the ride.

So, yes, while I wanna shake Cas a little to get him out of this ideology to which he’s clinging, I also want to remind Dean that relationships go both way, and he’s not been the greatest friend, either.

But, Cas, seriously, what the fuck!?

“The point is, you’re distracted, and that makes me nervous.” “I am holding up my end.” “Ah, yes. But is that all you’re holding, huh? See? The stench of that Impala’s all over your overcoat, Angel. I thought we’d agreed, no more nights out with the boys.”

I’m sorry. Did you just make the allusion to Cas giving Dean a handjob in the car?! Like, Balthazar is talking about Cas being in love with Dean and now Crowley’s insinuating things of a sexual nature. Yeah, Cas, your secret is out honey, even if you aren’t.

“I have it on good authority that your two little pets are currently trying to hunt me down. Forgive me, but I think you might have a little conflict of interest here.”

Crowley is keeping it broad to both Winchesters. So, he has more of Fate’s view, and not so much Balthazaar, who has seen them all up close and personal, I guess.

“Crowley had a point, of course. My interest was conflicted. I still considered myself the Winchesters’ guardian. After all, they taught me how to stand up, what to stand for, and what generally happens to you when you do.”

So he is at least somewhat aware of how he prioritizes the boys.

“You know, he’s our friend. And we are lying to him through our teeth. … You think that Cas is in with Crowley? Crowley?”

Dean is fucked up over this. Rightfully. Because he doesn’t hold onto many people, and while he hasn’t verbalized it, yet, Cas has a special place in his life.

“Look, Dean, he’s our friend, too, okay. And I’d die for him, I would, but, look, I’m praying we’re wrong here.”

Oooh, this says so much that Sam has to clarify that. Like, he realizes how highly Dean regards Cas, how much he trusts him, how much this is crushing him.

“And the worst part was Dean trying so hard to be loyal with every instinct telling him otherwise.”

Cas can literally see inside Dean. He can see the conflict, and as Dean walks by, Cas moves with him, as if tied to him by an invisible string.

“This is Cas, guys. I mean, when there was no one, and we were stuck, and I mean really stuck, he broke ranks. He has gone to the mat cut and bleeding for us so many friggin times. This is Cas. Don’t we owe him the benefit of the doubt, at least?”

This one aches. This one hurts. Because 9 years later, Cas will say this to Dean in a moment of heartache that somehow feels a thousand times worse than this despite the stakes here being so much higher. “You used to give me the benefit of the doubt,” Cas will say.

But look what happened when Dean did it, Cas. Look what pain you wrought. Can you blame him for struggling to find his faith in you, again?

“You thought what?, I know. It’s crazy, right … We never should have doubted you. We just hope you can forgive us.”

Dean feels… relieved. He feels like he put his faith in the right place.

And look at how soft Dean’s eyes are as he asks his friend for forgiveness. It will be a long time before he’s this soft with Cas, again. Especially since a breath later the idiot fucks up with the Superman reference.

“You gotta look at me, man. You gotta level with me and tell me what’s going on. Loo me in the eye and tell me you’re not working with Crowley. {Cas looks away} Son of a bitch.”

This takes me back to the holding room with the burgers and beers. Dean caught on that Cas couldn’t look at him when he knew something was off, so he tells him here that he needs to look at him.

And when he can’t, Dean knows all he needs to know.

“Let me explain.” “You’re in it with him? You and crowley have been going after purgatory together? “You have, huh? This whole time.” “I did it to protect you. I did it to protect all of you.”

Cas is pleading with them as much as they are pleading with him. He directs most of it to Dean, but Dean is hurting too damn bad. His friend fucking betrayed them. His friend is working with the bad guy. His friend didn’t trust them enough to help.

And Cas sees his friends refusing to trust him with his plan. He sees his friends rejecting him and his plan. He sees his friends refusing to listen just as his brothers in Heaven did.

“I’m still me. I’m still your friend. Sam, I’m the one who raised you from Perdition.” {That gets Dean’s attention} “What? Well, no offense, but you did a pretty piss poor job of it.”

Sastiels rejoice! Look, it’s not my ship, but I can see how they’d be stoked their Winchester was touched by an Angel, too, ya know?

“I had no choice.” “No, you had a choice. You just made the wrong one,” “You don’t understand. It’s complicated.” “No, actually, it’s not and you know that. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, huh? Unless you knew that it was wrong. When crap like this comes around, we deal with it like we always have. What we don’t do is we don’t go out and make another deal with the devil.” “Yeah, it sounds so simple when you say it like that.”

And it does. Yes, Cas fucked up, but he’s trying to save everyone. Not just the Winchesters, but the world. He’s trying to save the innocent people they saw on the playground together not so long ago, the children growing up, the adults growing old, and even the birds flitting from tree to tree in search of the perfect nesting nook.

Cas finally meets Dean’s eyes.

“Where were you when I needed to hear it?” “I was there. Where are you?”

This is on Dean and Cas, their mutual heartbreak. They’ve broken each other, here, in a way that perhaps may never have been repaired. Their trust in one another is shaken, and it’s their own damn fault.

Mostly Cas.

Look, he may be my favorite character, but I’m going to call him on his shit. I’m not precious about my kids, either. I love and celebrate them for the unique, incredible, vibrant humans they are. But everyone knows you own up to your mistakes and we don’t lie in this house.

So, Cas, you’re kinda on my shitlist tonight. Sorry, buddy. You can make it up to me by fixing your shit with your boytoy. Capiche?

“You should’ve come to us for help, Cas.” “Maybe. It’s too late now. I can’t turn back now, I can’t.” “It’s not too late. Damn it, Cas, we can fix this.” “Dean, it’s not broken. Run. You have to run, now. Run!”

Despite everything Cas is still trying to protect them, and Dean still trusts that Cas is telling them to run for that very reason.

That’s what is truly batshit about the end of this scene—angry as they are at one another, much as that trust has been shattered, there’s enough left that Dean will run when Cas tells him to, because he knows deep down the Angel only wants to keep him safe.

You can’t baby proof a hurricane. But that’s what Cas tries to do with Dean. The Angel wants to protect him from further harm. It’s not what he needs, though. Dean needs the truth.

It’s another place where I feel a kinship to Dean. If the news sucks, it sucks. But don’t sugarcoat it and don’t lie. I can figure out what to do if it’s all falling to shit and I know it. But if I’m in the dark, then I’m flailing for a recourse with six minutes to Midnight when the spell goes poof.

Dean opens the door for the others to run through, but he stops to look back at Cas. The firelight illuminates both their faces as they contemplate one another. They’re both hurt. They’re both upset. And shit as their communication is right now, that “bond” is still there.

Damnit. It’d be so much easier for both of them if it wasn’t. But it’s there. They can feel it. Damnit.

“Hello, Dean.” “How’d you get in here?, The angel proofing bobby put up on the house, he got a few things wrong.” “Well, it’s too bad we gotta angel proof in the first place, isn’t it?”

Ouch. It’s another time when Dean wakes to Cas there, but this time, they are at odds. They’re upset. Castiel wants so desperately for Dean to understand his motivation for doing the shit thing. And Dean wants Cas to just not do the shit thing.

But Cas believes in it. And an Angel’s belief and devotion can be dangerous. We’ve seen that time and time, again.

Right now, Cas’ loyalties are divided, but the more he feels rejected by Dean, the more he leans into this terrible choice.

Again, it doesn’t make it right. But we understands where it comes from.

“Why are you here?” “I want you to understand.” “Oh, believe me, I get it. Blah blah, Raphael, right?” “I’m doing this for you, Dean. I’m doing this because of you.” “Because of me. Yeah. You gotta be kidding me.” “You’re the one that taught me and freedom and free will-“ “You’re a frigging child, you know that? Just because you can do what you want doesn’t mean that you get to do whatever you want.”

Dean has never been at War the way that Castiel has. There are some horrible, no good decisions that go down in War. Terrible things.

And while Castiel may be new to freedom and free will, infantilizing him isn’t going to help Dean get through to him.

“I know what I’m doing, Dean.” “I’m not gonna logic you, okay? I’m saying don’t just ’cause. I’m asking you not to. That’s it.” “I don’t understand.” “Look, next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family. That you are like a brother to me. So if I’m asking you not to do something, you gotta trust me, man.”

It’s too late. Damnit, it’s too late. Castiel has locked in and he can’t unlock.

This is important. Because someday Cas will learn how to roll with things, how to adjust when things shift, how to change gears when it matters.

But he’s not there, yet.

“Or what?” “Or I’ll have to do what I have to do to stop you.” “You can’t Dean. You’re just a man. I’m an angel.” “I don’t know, I’ve taken some pretty big fish.”

This hurts so bad. Damnit. They’re friends. They care about each other. They trusted each other. But now? Dean is just another human in the way. And Cas is just another dick Angel fucking with the world.

At least, that’s what they each try to tell themselves.

“I’m sorry, Dean.” “Well, I’m sorry, too, then.”

Damnit, you two. I want to shake you both right about now. You, Cas, more than Dean because what the fuck, bro!? But, I get where it comes from. I do. I see the lines of pain and hurt and control and manipulation and programming and fear that have led you to this terrible, terrible choice.

And, Dean, it’s too little too fucking late. All Season you’ve been criticizing him for not showing up the second you want him, and then you barely acknowledge the war he is fighting. Now, in the eleventh hour it looks like you’re using your bond as a bargaining chip instead of an honest declaration.

We know you mean it—how important Castiel has become to you. But the timing is suspect and Castiel is too far-gone to listen. He’s lost, Dean. Completely lost. As lost as you were last season when you were ready to say “yes” to Michael.

Only Cas doesn’t have a Sam to stop him.

God, you two are so alike, sometimes, you know that? You and your Angel are the two most stubborn beings to walk the earth. Maybe someday you’ll learn to listen to one another.

S6E21 -

"Well, at least you tried." "Yeah, a fat lot of good it did. Why’d he even come, right?” … “Our pal Cas didn’t stop in last night just to mend fences.” “What’d he do?” “Stole something.”

This shouldn’t have made me smile, but it did. Yes, I know something’s wrong with me. Don’t worry, someone’ll figure out what it is soon enough.

But this is going to come back around in another era when Cas is lying to Dean and far more effectively manipulating the man—when he needs to steal something else, the colt. I like consistency in character. It’s the little things in life, ya know?

“I didn’t ask for your help.” “Well, regardless, you’re welcome.” “Why are you here?” "I had no idea Crowley would take Lisa and Ben.” “Yeah, right.” “You don’t believe me.” “I don’t believe a word that’s coming out of your mouth.”

Cas looks away. He can feel the cord of connection unraveling in the moment. When he looks back, he tries to reach for that connection, to grip the fraying threads in his mind and will them back together.

“I thought you said that we were like family. Well, I think that, too. Shouldn’t trust run both ways?” “Cas, I just can’t.” Dean, I do everything that you ask. I always come when you call, and I am your friend. Still, despite your lack of faith in me and now your threats, I just saved you, yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you? All I ask is this one thing-“

It sounds so simple when Cas says it like this. But Dean can see things his angelic buddy just can’t.

“Trust your plan to pop purgatory?” “I’ve earned that, Dean.” “I came to tell you that I will find Lisa and Ben. And I will bring them back. Stand behind me the one time I ask.” “You’re asking me to stand down?” “Dean." "That’s the same damn ransom note that Crowley handed me, you know that, right? Well, no thanks. I’ll find them myself. Now why don’t you go back to Crowley and tell him that I said you can both kiss my ass.”

Cas is too wrapped up in this to see it, to see how bad this is. But, buddy, when the bad guy starts saying the same thing you’re saying, it might be time to own up that you’re the bad guy. Just sayin’.

They both have tears in their eyes. Dean is enraged worrying about Lisa and Ben, because from his viewpoint, it was Cas who put them in harm’s way. And Cas can see that much, even if he’s still blind to the rest.

“What do you want?” “Dean, listen-“ “What do you want me to say? She’ll be dead by midnight.” “I’m sorry-“ “I don’t care. It’s too little too late.” “Okay. Well, regardless, I didn’t come for you.” “Meaning?” {Dean picks up on what Cas is doing} “She’s fine now. She’ll wake soon. Dean, I said I’m sorry and I meant it.” “Thank you.”

Dean can’t look at Cas. He can’t. He’s still too mad. But he understands what Cas just did here was big and it matters even if it’s not enough to undo the bad blood between them.

“I wish this changed anything.” “I know. So do I.”

If they were a man and woman, everyone would talk about how these two were star crossed lovers and such. I am not kidding. Listen to this fucking dialogue! These two are on opposite sides of a war and yet falling in love.

The strange thing is that Cas wants to do what is right. He just can’t see it clearly because he got into bed with the demon instead of the handsome hunter.

I mean, come on, Cas had to kiss Crowley to seal their deal, right? Which means technically his first kiss wasn’t Meg, but it was Crowley. Man kisser Castiel confirmed!

Yes, I’m being ridiculous. But these scenes are tough and I could go with a little ridiculousness right about now, what about you?

“All else aside, I just wanted to fix what I could.” “There’s one more thing you could do for me.”

Dean’s eyes are pleading here. He even said “for me” because he knows this is for him. Cas says he didn’t come here for Dean, but we all know he did.

“You must know, everything I did, I did for you,” comes to mind. Yeah, Castiel is so Mr. Darcy. He’s expressing his love the only way he knows how, right now—helping the ones Dean loves.

And, yes I do think Dean loved Lisa and Ben. A different kind of love than the one he finds with Castiel, but a valid love, no less. And he loved them so much he let them go.

S6E22 -

“You don’t even see it, do you? How totally off the rails you are.” “Enough. I don’t care what you think. I’ve tried to make you understand. You won’t listen. So let me make this simple. Please go home and let me stop Raphael {This is all to Dean} I won’t ask again.” “Well, good, ’cause I think you already know the answer.” “I wish it hadn’t come to this. Well, rest assured, when this is all over, I will save Sam, but only if you stand down.”

Geez louise, Castiel, what the ever loving fuck!? I love you, man, but this is freakin’ villain-level bitchery.

“This is exactly what Cas wants. For you to fall to pieces. Just try to think of what Sam would want.”

Oh, I hate this arc so much. Yes, Dean’s going to do his own version of this with the Mark of Cain arc in a few seasons (what is it with these boys and doing the absolute most idiotic thing without consulting the others… learn to communicate you fools!). But, right now Castiel is the one in the “Does the worst possible thing” seat.

“First Sam and Dean, and now this? I’m doing my best in impossible circumstances, and my friends, they, abandon me, plot against me. It’s difficult to understand.”

Still the Angel. In a few years, once he is mortal, he will tell Dean that he is only beginning to understand human emotion after years on the planet. Angelic allegiance is so absolute that he mistakes their skepticism in the plan with distrust of him.

“You doubted me. Fought against me. But I was right all along.” “Okay, Cas. You were. We’re sorry. Let’s just defuse you, okay.” “What do you mean?” “You’re full of nuke. It’s not safe. So before the eclipse ends, let’s get them souls back to where they belong.” “No, they belong with me.”

Talk about power going to your head. Damn it, Cas, listen to Dean!

“No, Cas, it, it’s scrambling your brain. … Listen to me. Listen. I know there’s a lot of bad water under the bridge. But we were family once. I’d have died for you. I almost did a few times. so if that means anything to you, please. I've lost Lisa. I've lost ben. And now I’ve lost Sam. Don’t make me lose you, too.”

Watching Bobby’s reaction here is wild because I don’t think he realized until this moment just how much Cas means to Dean.

I mean, Dean isn’t the chattiest guy about his feelings, right? And, yes, we can gauge that part of this was Dean just trying to save the day, but he’s not lying. He’s not. He saw Cas as family which is the highest point of connection he could assign to another being. And he doesn’t want to lose him.

And yes, Sammy with the knife as a plan B wasn’t a bad idea. But I tend to believe Dean—Cas was family.

“You don’t need this kind of juice anymore, Cas. Get rid of it before it kills us all.” “You’re just saying that because I won, because you’re afraid. You’re not my family, Dean. I have no family. {Sam knives him in the back. He pulls it out}, I’m glad you made it Sam, but the angel blade won't work. Because I’m not an angel anymore. I’m your new God. A better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your lord. Or I shall destroy you.”

Now, we all know how this ended—Castiel got booted off the show!

S7E01 -

“The Castiel you knew is gone.” “So what then, kill us?” “What a brave little ant you are.”

Alright, the first time I wrote this autocorrect took over and it read: “Dean is shocked to hear that from his mount”. And while, obviously, I meant “mouth I had to share with y’all because… it ain’t wrong.

Now, the rest of this is just Cas being a douchey, power-driven, hyped up on steroids and cocaine asshole. He calls the Winchesters his “favorite pets” and told Dean “you’ve erased any nostalgia I ever had for you” like a fucking ass.

But, because we only have Collins for about 2.5 minutes before his very special guest run is over, we’re going to blitz through. I mean, Destiel isn’t built on Godstiel, anyway.

“I just wanted to make amends before I die.” "Okay., Is it working?” “Does it make you feel better?” “No. You?” “Not a bit.”

God, these two are ridiculous.

But one thing I note during all this prep is how Bobby treats Cas. Even the little shoulder touch as he says, “Hang in there” is somehow deeper than it was before—because he knows Dean wasn’t lying in that little speech back there at the tail end of Season 6.

Bobby knows Dean Winchester as well as anybody who knows the real Dean. Bobby is one of those people Cas indirectly references is in his declaration of love in the future—“anyone who knows you” knows that Dean does everything because of love.

So, yes, Dean made a speech to try to save the world. But he also loves Cas. And, again, I’m not saying we’re into romantic love, yet.

I tend to be of the opinion that it sneaks up on Dean over time rather than being as instant for Cas, but Bobby knows, now. So, he’s going to treat Cas in a way that honors Dean’s love for him—whatever kind of love it may be.

“He’s gone, Dean.”

Look. At. Dean’s. FACE. Despite everything, this is still a crushing blow. Dean’s hand rests on Cas’ shoulder as he regards him.

“Damn it. Cas, you child. Why didn’t you listen to me?”

Still infantilizing him. Yeah, sure, he fucked up. But he’s not a child, Dean.

Tears fill Dean’s eyes. Because despite everything Cas did, he really wanted to save him. He wanted to save the Angel—because he’s family.

Cas comes back to life, surprising everyone. Dean’s hand lingers on Cas’s arm after they help him up. I seem to remember another time he helps Cas up and his hand lingers.

“I’m astonished. Thank you. Both of you.”

Cas looks at Dean with more adoration than I think he’d ever mustered before, and Dean clocks it. He doesn’t understand it, but you can see he’s not oblivious.

“I’m ashamed. I really overreached.” {he can’t look at anyone, now}” “You think?” {Cas looks right to Dean} “I’ll find some way to redeem myself to you.” “Alright, well, one thing at a time. Come on. Let’s get you out of here. Come on.”

They’re walking out together, Dean and Bobby each taking an arm, but Cas reaches up to grab ahold of Dean’s arm, stopping him. He meets his eyes.

“I mean it, Dean.”

This was going to be it, folks. The last moments of Destiel in the entire series were Castiel assuring Dean that he’d find some way to make it up to him, that he would redeem himself to him.

Because it’s about how Cas fucked up majorly, yes, but if there’s one human in the entire world whose opinion matters to Cas, it’s Dean’s.

And he would never get the chance. Another tragedy courtesy of the Writers Room—Castiel dies without redemption. He dies a black and sludgy mess of horrors without hope or agency.

He takes those steps into the water without control of his actions—but it was his choices that led to this, so his hands are bloodied, his legacy marred, his memory defiled with the death of innocents.

But before that… there’s that glimpse of where the character could have gone in the wake of the madness. And Collins gives us that by putting everything he had into those few bites of dialogue.

Imagine Collins knowing this is his last moment as Castiel talking to Dean… his last moment of Destiel. His last moment to be Cas. That’s why there is everything in that scene. Why he gives all that he has.

And it really feels like this is the moment, to me, that Castiel knows he loves Dean Winchester.

Maybe he doesn’t know to what degree, but he knows. It spills out of him in ways that confuse Dean (because it’s something he would never ever expect). And Misha gave that performance thinking it was all the time he had left as Cas in this show. Damn.

Dean spies Cas’ coat in the water and retrieves it. He folds it over in his hands and holds it tight.

“Okay. So, he’s gone.”

Look at Dean’s face. At how his lip quivers as he tries to hold it together. They just got him back… and he’s gone. Nothing to “fix” this time. It’s over.

“Dumb son of a bitch.”

He places his other hand atop the coat, almost gripping it… it’s all he has left of him. There are no photos of them together, no favorite hangouts (save the brother), and very few memories where they weren’t trying to save something or someone.

All he has is a coat. That’s it. And while Dean isn’t the most sentimental person in the world, he carries it out with him and holds onto it.

Now, it should be noted he doesn’t clean the damn thing as evidence of the blood still on the collar when Cas gets it back, but that actually seems pretty true to character, so it works.

Also, the music cue of “Black Water” had me rolling the first time I heard it. I don’t think that’s what they were going for, but considering the black goo in the water, it made me laugh.

Yes, my mother really hated the 80’s. I was a latchkey kid on a plug-in phone on the wall who watched all the movies the teenagers did. I share more memories with GenXers than Millennials, but whatcha gonna do? Can’t help when I was born!

My Dad gave me my 80’s education in the 90’s, and I’m so glad he did because there are some awesome songs in the 80’s.

“I’m fine, really.” “Course, yeah. Just lost one of the best friends you ever had, your brothers in the bell jar and purgatory’s most wanted are surfing the sewer lines, but yeah, I get it. You’re fine.”

Dean is trying so hard to be fine, to pretend to be fine. Because his little brother is hurting, and in Dean’s book, that’s where his attention should be, not on his own shit.

But, Bobby knows, now, and he’s trying to be there for a shattered Dean.

Now, Destiel is nowhere near where it will get down the line. But, still, “Best friend ever” is a hard thing to lose.

S7E07 -

We get a brief Cas mention here when Dean says “Of course, since Cas I’m having a hard time trusting anybody” because he did trust Cas. And all of that hurt a lot more than he’s admitted to anyone, yet.

Dean doesn’t let people in easily. It’s just not his thing. But Castiel found his way in despite being an Angel, of all things. Anna was a blip on the Angel radar who ultimately betrayed them, and Dean was able to let that go pretty easily.

But Cas was different. Cas was family. And it all fell apart.

S7E13 -

“Bobby was right. Your head’s not in it. When Cas died you were wobbly, but now-“ “Now, what? Oh, what, you’re dealing with this so perfect? Yeah, newsflash, pal, you’re just as screwed up as I am.”

It’s the first time Sam’s brought up Cas since he died, but I do appreciate the impact. Of course Bobby’s death would rock him harder. That’s completely expected.

But I like the acknowledgement that Cas’ death messed him up so much Sam noticed it despite all the shit he has going on right now.

Sam is not oblivious to the Destiel, here. He just likes not being punched in the face, so he tends not to bring it up.

S7E17 -

“When you put my soul back, Cas warned you about all the crap-“ “Screw Cas!”

Sorry, Dean. That’s your job, not your brother’s. Just sayin’!

Not much later, Dean’s search for anything to help Sam leads him to the doorstep of Emmanuel. Well, he kills off the faker, and then comes face-to-face with… holy shit! That’s Cas!

Dean has fucking seen a ghost… it’s Castiel. And, gosh, I wish I was a part of the fandom at this point because I can only imagine how wild it got. Of course Dean and Cas reunite when the others aren’t with them. Even if our dear Cas is out of his head

“What was that?”

Three words for us to know Cas isn’t fully Cas. Three words. I want to kiss the writers for that.

Look, establishing shit is tedious, sometimes. You have to try to find a way to get the necessary information to the audience without dragging it out, boring them to tears, or making it feel like we forgot what this character talks like.

In Star Trek, the writers always seemed to quickly identify who was good with expeditionary dialogue. This case is a little different, but still the same concept—get the audience caught up to where we are so we can move on with the story. So well done.

“I’m Emmanuel.” “Dean. I’m, Dean.” “Thank you for protecting my wife.” “Your wife. Right.”

Jensen Ross Ackles (yes, I went on Wikipedia to find out his bloody middle name) what the hell were you doing with your lip there? That little lip quiver?

I mean, there was a bit of surprise, yeah, but that lip quiver read as… a little more.

And, an aside on the Wikipedia look—I totally forgot he was on Dark Angel. I was a mega fan of Season One of that show, but didn't watch much of Season 2, when Ackles was on there, but I do vaguely remember him!

“You don’t know about-”

Anything, Dean. He doesn’t know about anything. He doesn’t know what horrors he wrought. He doesn’t know who he is. He doesn’t know who Dean is.

Dean, who has lost Bobby and is struggling not to lose Sam, is standing in front of the guy who he mourned despite him dooming the whole fucking world. He's got Cas right here, but he doesn’t remember anything.

“What’s your issue?” “My brother.”

And the guy who did this to him is standing across from him. You did this to him, you fucker. Maybe you’re the only one who can undo it.

But Emmanuel doesn’t know who he is, doesn’t know what he’s done. And if Dean tells him, he risks losing his one shot to save Sam.

“So, Daphne… is that your, uh, your wife?” "She found me and cared for me. … Oh, it s a strange story. You may not like it.” “Believe me I will. … So who named you Emmanuel?” "bouncybabynames.com"

Okay, somehow this is super Cas coded. I don’t know why, but the first time I heard it, I thought, “Yup, that’s what Cas would do”. And by Dean's head tilt, I think he’s thinking the same thing.

I looked up Emmanuel, and it means “God with us”. I was pretty sure I remembered that from my Sunday School, but confirming it made me giggle. Yes, the Angel who tried to be God named himself “God with us”. Bless.

"Must be weird not knowing who you are.” “Well, it's my life and its a good life.” “What if you were some sort of uh, I don’t know, a bad guy?” “I don’t feel like a bad person.”

Dean’s testing the waters to see how much he should say. How much he can say. His priority right now is Sam—like it almost always is. So, Dean clams up.

“Someone did this to him.” “You’re angry.”

Of all the lines Collins delivers as Emmanuel, this is the one that reminds me he's still Cas. This isn’t Jimmy. This is a version of Cas if he was born human with special powers… but he is still Cas. This is a Cas line.

Also, Cas is still Cas. He can see into Dean. He doesn't know why he can, but he can.

“Well, yeah. Dude broke my brother’s head.” “He betrayed you, this dude. He was your friend?”

Cas is doing the Cas thing of seeing into things, but somehow Dean's doing a good job of covering up the fact that Cas is Cas. But Castiel’s senses are still alive and firing, even if his memory isn’t.

“Yeah, well, he���s gone.” “Did you kill him? I sense that you kill a lot of people.”

Dean’s firmly in, “I’m gonna get through this to save my brother” mode. Cas was his friend and Cas is gone, as far as he knows.

“Honestly, I don’t know if he is dead. I just know that this whole thing couldn’t be messier. You know, I used to be able to just shake this stuff off. Whatever it was. It might take some time. I always could. What Cas did, I just can’t. I don’t know why.”

Oh, Dean, honey. You have never had a friend like Cas. You have never trusted someone like Cas. Yes, Bobby, sure. But Bobby took the Dad role.

You tried to put Cas in a “brother” role because that’s all you know and “Panromantic Asexual Life Partner” (at this point) wasn’t in your vocabulary.

You can’t shake it because you still love Cas. Yes, as family at this point, not a lover. He is family. And he’s sitting right next to you.

And his betrayal is so much worse because you made him family.

Nobody made him blood, like your dad. No, you chose Cas. And that’s why it hurts like hell and you can’t stop feeling it.

“Well, it doesn’t matter. Why.” “Of course it matters.” “No, you’re not a machine, Dean. You’re human. Your friend’s name was Cas? That’s an odd name.”

That line, “You’re not a machine, Dean” hits me every time, because it’s the first time Emmanuel has called Dean “Dean” and he does it in a very Cas way.

“Imagine when I track him down and he's snuggled up with you.”

Meg’s smart. She knows that while she and Cas have a spark, Dean’s Cas’s first—and only—love.

“Are you sure we wouldn’t be safer traveling with a full-throttle angel? I could jog his memory. {Off Dean's withering look} Kidding!”

Much fun as it was for Dean to watch Cas and Meg make out the last time, that’s the last thing he wants to see about now.

And before Dean and Meg step aside for this next exchange, I love the staging. Castiel is between his boyfriend and his girlfriend. Aw. They can share him because Cas has two hands!

Anyway…

“I know you're enjoying the double dip with your old pal-” “You think it’s that cut and dry?”

I’m sorry. Did Dean just… did he just. I’m actually speechless.

Because “double dip” here is a very assertive poke where Castiel is the ice cream and Dean’s the one eating. You see where I’m going with this, right!?

See, Cas can’t remember who he is, right? So Dean gets his time in with Cas, and now he gets to double dip and get more with Cas via Emmanual. It can also be taken very sexually.

And Dean didn’t deny it, right? Sure, he doesn’t deny it when people make assertions about him and Cas. He just rolls with it. But he also doesn’t dismiss it in his rapid-fire response to Meg, and I find that fascinating.

NOTE: I always find a word that gets used a lot in a Meta. Sometimes it’s a term of endearment I use for a character. Sometimes it’s a term I use to describe a scene. I think I’ve written “Fascinating” 40 times here.

But, since this isn’t for a grade or publication in a magazine, I’m leaving every. Single. One. Of. Them.

Oh, yeah, I live on the edge! Wild child right here.

ahem

“You know what he did. And you just wanna tell him and hope that he takes it in stride? He could snap. He could disappear. Who knows.” “I gather we know each other.”

It’s the Angelic Swoop! It’s the Angel Camera swoop! Sure, Dean just slid up behind them instead of poofing out of nowhere, but the camera did the swoop!

“You can tell me. I’ll be fine.” “How do you know? You just met yourself. I’ve known you for years.” “You’re an angel.” “I’m sorry. Is that a flirtation?”

God Bless you Cas. You’re still in there. And Dean does the most adorable little double-take there. Like, “that’s what you think flirting is? I’ve been doing this wrong for years!”

Yes, I know. I know. I don’t think Dean’s there, yet. And your mileage may vary, and I know it will! But, I don’t think Dean quite knows, yet.

“No, it’s a species. A very powerful one.” “She’s not lying. That’s why you heal people. you don’t eat. I’m sure there’s more.” “Why wouldn’t you tell me? Being an Angel, it sounds pleasant.” “It’s not. Trust me. It’s bloody. It’s corrupt. It’s not pleasant.” “He would know. You used to fight together. Bestest friends, actually.”

Dean rolls his eyes at that, because there's always the implication of more that he still doesn’t deny.

“We’re friends? Am I Cas? I had no idea. I don’t remember you. I’m sorry.” … “It’s in there. I’m sure it’s just like riding a bike.” “I don’t know how to do that either.”

Dean’s reaction here is classic Dean when it comes to Cas and his inability to understand Pop Culture or very human references and turns of phrase. In a way, it’s comforting.

And despite his lack of memory, Cas is still Cas. He barely knows Dean, right now, but he trusts him. Meg said so herself!

He’s walking into this battlefield armed with knowledge he doesn’t know he has. But he’ll do it for Dean.

Maybe this is the only universe where Dean and Cas find each other, but it’s the one universe where they always find their way back to one another.

Because fuck destiny and fuck fate. Sometimes soulmates aren’t crafted by divine intervention but are found in spite of it.

The first memory we see is the barn… when he first spoke to Dean after rescuing from Hell. Then, it’s saving Dean and rebelling in the Burger Room. Next, dooming Sam, then taking the blood. His “I’m sorry, Dean”. Because while he’s remembering everything, we’re getting the clip show.

And someone in charge knew that Dean is at the center of it all for Cas. And Cas knows, too. He knows. He still wouldn’t call it romantic love, I don’t think, but he knows that Dean means more to him than anyone ever has. And now he remembers just how much he failed him. Not just the world… he failed Dean.

“Cas?” “I remember you.”

I have to pause here to appreciate Collins’ physicality. Just the way he turns around to face Dean is so obviously our Castiel and not Emmanuel or anyone else.

“I remember everything. What I did. What I became. Why didn’t you tell me?” “Because Sam is dying in there.” “Because of me. Everything. All these people. I shouldn’t be here.” “Cas. Cas!”

Castiel cuts between his lovers as he storms off, and Dean makes sure he’s the one to go after their shared situationship while Meg stays behind.

“If you remember, then you know you did the best you could at the time.” “Don’t defend me. Do you have any idea the death toll in heaven. On earth? We didn’t part friends Dean.” “So what?” “I deserved to die.”

Dean almost nods at it. I mean, when Cas commits, he commits. When Cas fucks up, he fucks up.

“Now I can’t possibly fix it, so why did I even walk out of that river?” “Maybe to fix it.”

Castiel doesn’t know what he’s waiting for, and the first time I saw this scene I laughed aloud, because I’d heard tale of the legendary coat that had traveled from car to car with Dean. I thought it was the thing of myths and legends.

But there’s the damn coat.

It was all Dean had left of Cas—the best friend he’d ever had. Cas sees the coat, and he can’t take his eyes off of it, even to look at Dean. Because this is a really beautiful nonverbal way for Dean to say what he needs to say without saying it.

Dean doesn’t like getting emotional or giving speeches. He starts to do more later. But, this is Season 7 Dean and he’s not there, yet.

This is Dean’s way of showing Cas that even after everything he did, Cas still matters to Dean. So much of Season 6 felt like the Winchesters using Cas and Castiel lying to them.

This is their restart. This is their new beginning. This is the moment when Dean says, “Yes, I want you to heal my brother. Yes, you’re the one who fucked him up. But I carried this shitty coat around for months because of this ‘profound bond’ of ours. You matter to me as you, not just for what you can do to help me”.

Inside the hospital, Cas wears the coat over his Emmanuel clothes. It feels more costume than clothing with the slicked down hair and suburban housewife attire underneath. He can barely look at Dean as he tells him he can’t fix it.

“But I maybe able to shift it.” “Shift?” “Yeah, it would get Sam back on his feet.”

Dean doesn’t realize what Cas is doing, but Cas is committed. He told Dean before that he was going to find a way to redeem himself to him. We know that he would do anything for Dean.

“It’s better this way. I’ll be fine.” “Wait, Cas, what are you doing?”

But Cas isn’t going to tell him the plan. Because he did this to Sam, and he’s going to fix it.

“Look, man, I get it. She’s not our friend. We don’t even have friends. All our friends are dead.”

Ouch. Real ouch. But Dean saw what the mental breakdown was doing to Sam, and they know that Cas has taken that on. Nobody knows how his Angelic programming will handle it. He’s as good as dead to them. And that aches.

S7E18 -

Including this because Bobby sent Dean to Cas. I think a lot about the Series Finale, and while we have the utter lack of Castiel, we do have an eye waggle and some encouragement from Bobby for Dean to go after his Angel.

Imagine how much Bobby’s been watching them, how much he sees now that he can follow them around.

S7E21 -

“Cas is awake. … Last night about 8.” “And you waited until now to call us?”

I love how annoyed Dean is that Meg waited so long to give him an update on their shared situationship. And I also love that the Winchester boys are already determined to drive to Cas before they put it together that his waking times out with the tablet.

Again, we’re finally seeing that they value Cas for Cas. It’s about damn time.

Now, Dean and Sam know that things are going to be fucked up with Cas. Between what he did, and then what he absorbed from Sam, they’re not sure what to expect.

But there was never a question of whether they’d go—even before they make the tablet connection, they’re driving.

“Hey, Cas?” “Hello, Dean. Sam.”

The iconography here is insane. Cas as Castiel in his right mind wears the trench coat over the suit. From the behind-the-scenes clips poor Collins runs hot and this get-up can’t help much with that.

But, here, Castiel is wearing his trench coat on the outside, but much as it was ill-fitting with his cul-de-sac clothes, it looks almost comical over the blank, white psych patient clothing.

He wants to be closer to his true self—but underneath he’s still not himself. He’s clawing toward it, but the damage he did to Sam was monstrous, and the impact is still devastating, even to his Angelic programming.

“Hey Castiel.” “Look at you walking and talking. That’s, that’s great, right?”

Look at the hope in Dean’s eyes. Yes, they parted on a bad note before the weird adventures of Cas’ memory loss, but even then, Dean’s kinda attached to the guy.

Of course, seconds later they see that Cas isn’t fully there. But, hey, Dean was ready for a lot worse, right? And he came anyway.

As they try to talk to Cas and see what’s left of him, you can see the sadness in Dean’s eyes. Sam is keeping the conversation moving because Dean is lost in thought.

“I love you guys.”

It’s so strange, because Castiel is speaking more forthright than he usually would—about Meg’s beauty, about his love for the Winchesters. He’s uncorked, you might say.

And he isn’t fully himself because what we choose to release and what we choose to keep close is a part of what makes us… us. Castiel hasn’t yet fully found his way back to himself.

Gosh, what a rollercoaster ride this must’ve been for the actor. I mean, a fun one, but if you could how many minutes he’s been fully Castiel in this season, it’s less than 5 minutes of screen time. That’s just wild.

“Alright, I’ll go handle Cas. Sam, will you please pick up the word of God?”

Dean instinctively knows it has to be him. He does! He just doesn’t fully understand why, yet.”

"It’s Sam’s thing, isn’t it? You taking on his, uh, Cage match scars. I’m guessing that’s what broke your bank, right?" "Well, it took everything to get me here." "What are you talking about, man?"

Rachel’s flashing to S15E18, again. The exact same phrase when Castiel spoke in a way Dean couldn’t yet understand.

I mean, yeah, the Angel’s a bit out of his mind, but I love the consistency in things like this, little phrases characters use often enough, but not so repetitively that they become a 90’s catchphrase.

Literally, last night my husband said, “You got it, Dude” and I told him there’s no way I married Michelle Tanner from Full House. We were kids in the 80’s and 90’s. Catchphrases were all the rage.

“Dean, I know you want different answer.” “No I want you to button up your coat and help us take down leviathans. Do you remember what you did?” … “I’m sorry, Dean.” “No. You’re playing sorry.”

Dean is hurting and he’s angry. And while that is perfectly valid, Castiel isn’t running at full speed. He can barely get through a conversation, let alone march into battle.

Later, Meg returns from killing the Demons, and we have Castiel and Dean in the two-shot, Cas over his shoulder like the little broken Angel he is.

“You have fallen in every way imaginable.”

Ouch, Hester. Ouch. I mean, yeah, I can understand why you hate the guy—destroying fucking Heaven and all. But words still hurt.

“He can’t help you. He can’t help anybody.”

Finally, Dean, you got your head out of your ass long enough to understand the situation. Thank you.

“We’re trying to clean up one of your Angel’s messes and you know that.”

Cas is fidgety. He doesn’t like the confrontation. He doesn’t like disappointing Dean.

“He’s right. An angel brought the leviathan back into this world, And, and they begged him, they begged him not to do it.”

Dean hates begging, but it’s true. And Cas is finally saying Dean was right. Too late, of course.

“Why should we give you anything {shot of Dean} after everything you have taken from us?” {Shot of Cas}

Yeah, this was not edited to be subtle at all. We aren’t even looking at Kevin Tran or Sam or any of the other Angels. This is about Castiel. This is about Dean and Castiel.

We are quite literally addressing the Destiel in the room. And it’s by one pissed-off Angel.

“The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in hell he was lost.”

Ho. Ly. Shit. Why on earth did people tell y’all that you were hallucinated Destiel!? It’s like the craziest mass gaslighting ever!

Dean stares defiantly, but there’s hurt there, too. Because this is a confirmation of everything he’s ever believed about himself. He always sees the worst in himself and much as we know Cas’ shit is on him, in this moment Dean almost believes her.

Because he never believed he was worth saving. He believes he’s worth abandoning. He believes he’s poison to those he loves.

“For that you’re going to pay.” {She advances on Dean, but Cas steps up}, “Please. They’re the ones we were put here to protect.” {Cas spins so Hester is facing him, away from Dean}

She starts beating the shit out of him, and the Winchesters are ready to fight before the other Angels stop them. And as soon as Meg spikes the bitch, the other Angels are like, “Meh. Guess we’ll move on, now”.

Like, seriously, nobody liked Hester. They’re all just standing around, not killing the demon who iced their sibling. Buh-bye, bitch!

“It says we need to start with the blood of a fallen Angel.” “Well, you know me. I’m always happy to bleed for the Winchesters.”

He hands the blood to Dean, right past Sam. And you can see that Dean appreciates the actual help from the broken, fallen Angel.

S7E22 -

“I mean, it’s what he’d want us to do. Right?” “Yeah, him, and Frank, and Cas—if his marbles were in the bag.”

Dean’s almost always the one to bring up Cas. The Angel is so important to him, though he’s not going to say it.

S7E23 -

“We can call Castiel, again.” “Dude, on my car, he showed up naked… covered in bees.”

I told my husband about this, and he immediately said, “Trying to woo him!?” But, seriously, this might be the strangest way to tell a flower you want to pollinate him.

“You deal with him, I can’t anymore.” “You might want to be more specific.” “I was laying low halfway across the world when emo boy pops up out of nowhere and zaps me right back here.” “Why?” “Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first.”

Dean’s face falls and eyes kind of narrow… but he doesn’t bother denying it.

All the times he has denied being gay, but when it comes to Cas, he doesn’t, really. And the jaw clench at the end, there. phew

I’m not saying Dean is in love with Cas at this point, and Cas showed at the beginning of the season with those looks that he must be aware, now, on some level. I mean, half the celestial world knows. Destiel lore is spreading.

Dean approaches Cas outside… sees Cas is still not all there. Dean lifts his head to gather all his will to get through this.

Have you ever steadied yourself to talk to a friend or family member struggling with dementia? It reminds me of that, of trying to remember that who you’re talking to, now, isn’t exactly who you spoke with then. Not really.

They’re still in there, but you don’t know if you’re going to reach them or not. It’s unsettling and it’s super hard.

“I don’t want to fight.” "No, I’m not-” {Dean calms himself} We’re worried.”

This is tough for Dean. Cas is majorly triggered by conflict, and Dean’s first reaction is to get mad. So, this is a big thing for both of them.

"Alright, enough.”

Dean taking a Cas line to defend Cas from Crowley.

“I can’t help. Do you understand? I can’t. I destroyed everything {Cas’ voice breaks} and I will destroy everything again. So can we please leave it at that?”

Castiel truly thinks he can’t do anything right. God, these two are so similar in so many ways—except Cas’s instinct here is to pull back while Dean’s gut is telling him to lean in.

“No. No we can’t. We can’t leave it. You let these friggin things in. So you don’t get to make a sandwich. And you don’t get a damn cat. Nobody cares that you’re broken, Cas. Clean up your mess.” … “Nice, you scared off the empire’s only hope.” “Meaning?” “It occur to you that ever one of those things was in Cas? He knows them. He can see past the meat suits.”

Ding, ding, ding! Keeping calm actually benefits the cause, Dean. And, I get it. I have anger issues, and have had to work my whole life to temper my temper. But, you gotta get through to Cas another way.

Cas watches from the stairs as Sam and Dean say goodbye to Bobby, likely invisible to their eyes. He’s still Angelic enough to be removed from those he loves, but it’s the Dean-to-Cas swoop shot that reveals him. It’s their shot.

“Cas, I need a wingman.” “Dean-“ “You don’t want to jump into the jaws of death that’s… fine. How about we run a little errand?”

It’s a good ask. And, honestly, giving these two a moment alone is almost always a good idea.

“Dean-“ “Cas. We’ve been over it. I get it. You can’t help.” “If we attack Dick and fail, then you and Sam die heroically, correct.” “I don’t know, I guess." “And at best I die trying to fix my own stupid mistake. Or I don’t die. I’m brought back again. I see now it’s a punishment resurrection. It’s worse every time.”

This line makes me laugh, because it’s kinda true. Every time Cas comes back, seems thing to suck more than ever, until the Empty sends him back. That one works out better than the rest.

"I’m sorry. Uh, we’re talking about God crap, right?” I’m not good luck, Dean.”

Oh, my poor, sweet Angel. You really think you’re going to make it worse for him, don’t you? Because your last venture out went so terribly, you’re afraid to do it, again. And you don’t want to let Dean down, again.

Think about it. Cas told Dean he’d find a way to redeem himself, but he’s not completely there and he knows it. He knows that something is off about him, and that’s only compounding his insecurities.

“Yeah, but you know what, bottom of the 9th and you’re the only guy left on the bench? Sorry, but I’d rather have you. Cursed or not. And anyway, nut up, alright. We’re all cursed. I seem like good luck to you?”

This line is insane. The first time I heard it I gasped. It’s such a simple line, void of romance or flirtation. It’s simply Dean stating what he sees. But, oh, what does Cas see?

Yes, darling, you’re good luck to him. You changed his entire world and the course of his existence, so, yes, you’ll always be good luck to him.

And Cas’ features go so soft here. Damnit, Collins, you’re at it, again, with the subtleties. And what I adore about this scene is that Dean picks up on it. He notes the shift in Cas immediately.

“What?” “Well, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I detect a note of forgiveness.” “Yeah, well, I’m probably gonna die tomorrow, so.” “Well, I’ll go with you. And I’ll do my best.” “Thanks.”

Have you ever had the love of your life say the right thing when you needed it most? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I say some stupid shit sometimes, and so does Matthew.

But there are times when I need that reminder of what I can do, who I am, what I mean to those I love. It doesn’t take much, but that can be enough to push us to overcome our fears.

Dean doesn’t realize that’s what he’s done for Cas—emboldened him enough to risk failing for the hope of succeeding.

“Wake up.”

Cas usually waits for Dean to wake. He can’t this time. They’re in Purgatory, and they need to get moving. With a whoosh Cas is gone and Dean’s left with the monsters.

And I have to call out the insanity that is Collins’ performance this year as Castiel. Yes, he only had a handful of episodes, but in that handful of episodes he had maybe 5 minutes of screen time where Cas was Cas and not something else.

He was Godstiel. He was possessed by Leviathans. He was Emmanuel. Then, he was briefly himself before taking on Sam’s mental anguish. And for the rest of the season, he’s a teetering mess in tatters, not fully himself.

It’s just mind boggling to me from a performance standpoint, and I applaud Collins’ efforts.

S8E01 -

“What about Cas? Was he there?” “Yeah, Cas didn’t make it.”

Widower Arc II, baby! The first one left Dean “shaky” according to Sam, but this ones only gonna get worse.

Every time Dean loses Cas, he realizes how much deeper their bond has grown. Because, yes, while they’ve only been reunited a few episodes by the end of Season 7, and Castiel isn’t fully himself, it’s Cas.

And in the eleventh hour, when they faced down Dick Roman, Cas was the one to help Dean finish him off. He came through. He didn’t fail. Despite his fear, he showed up and got it done.

And then he was gone. Gone.

Think about this from Dean’s perspective—a being he sees as family pulled himself together enough to face certain death for Dean’s sake. Dean knows this.

And he’s going to find that little Angel and protect him, right? He’s going to save him, right? Because Cas came through for Dean and Dean cannot fail him.

But he does. At least, that’s what he believes.

Dean walks away from his brother. Can’t look him in the eye. He thinks he failed Cas.

“What exactly does that mean?” “Something happened to him down there. Things got pretty hairy toward the end and he just… let go.” “So Cas is dead. You saw him die.” “I saw enough.” “So, you’re not sure.” “I said I saw enough, Sam.” {Dean turns back} “Right. Dean, I’m sorry.”

Sam knows that Cas and Dean have some kind of special connection. You can’t tell me otherwise after that! Much as Sam is sad to know that Cas is gone, Dean is the one wrecked by it. It’s plain to see.

“Me, too.

Oh, the self-loathing. Looks like Cas and Dean are playing Hot Potato with this one and it’s Dean’s turn.

“Did you look for me, Sam?”

This is such a core part of Dean… that “not give up” spirit he has. The only time he didn’t look for Sam was when Sam made him promise to go live a life at the end of Season 5.

“Good. That’s good. We always told each other not to look for each other.”

And how much time did he spend in Purgatory looking for the Angel? From the moment they were separated, Dean tried to reunite with him.

“That’s smart. That’s good for you. Of course we always ignored that because of our deep, abiding love for each other, but not this time, right Sammy?”

And I see why he’s hurting. He spent a year looking for Cas in Purgatory only to lose him at the last second, and he gets back to find that his brother didn’t look for him at all.

Yes, they are very different people and I don’t think Dean realizes he’s continuing the same cycle his father began with them—pushing the family to hunt together rather than living normal lives.

It might seem selfish to be human. I think that’s how Dean sees it, sometimes. But it’s also important to be human, and Sam understands that better than his big brother.

“Take a breath. Calm down. Where’s the angel?” You’re him. The human.” “Where’s the angel?”

I’m sorry. You’re telling me that all it took for the demon to know who Dean was was “Where’s the Angel?” Three-ish words and the dude’s a legend for tearing through Purgatory looking for his Angel?

“Alright, what about you?” “What about me?” “Look at you. You’ve still got that look. You’re shaky. You’re on edge.”

And he’s constantly thinking about Purgatory. About his hunt for the angel. Every memory we’ve seen so far, he mentions the Angel.

Also shaky is back. That’s the word Sam used the last time they lost Cas back in Season 7. He said that Dean was shaky. So, at least the human is consistent, though I’m convinced his mourning is deeper this time.

Because he thinks he failed him.

In my mind’s eye, I see Castiel at the beginning of Season 7 telling Dean he’d find a way to redeem himself, and then presumably never getting the chance. Dean wanted to be Castiel’s hero, to bring him home because they are family. And he failed.

He left someone behind. He didn’t want to, but he abandoned Castiel in the land of monsters because he wasn’t enough.

No, it’s not entirely accurate, we’ll come to learn. But that’s what Dean sees. He always sees the worst in himself because that’s easier to believe than the good.

Yeah, this is another one of those places where I relate to Dean more than I should. I’ve always seen the worst in myself and find criticism easier to believe than praise. It’s not a fun way to be.

“First we find the Angel.” “Mm, three’s a crowd, chief.” “Well, hey, either you’re in or you’re out.”

Dean is throwing his words back at Benny, but he’s making the stakes clear—you wanna get out of here, I’ll take you, but not without the Angel.

Also, I know there was a huge contingent of Benny/Dean shippers, and I see the vision! But, Benny-boo, Cas already has that prime real estate in Dean’s heart, so like Meg with Cas, you’re just gonna have to share him.

“Dean. You’re looking. Well, let’s say Purgatory didn’t do you any favors. Where’s your Angel?”

Uhhh. Your Angel!? Season 8 Crowley is full on aware of the Dean/Cas situation. And, yes, I wrote it like we used to write ships back before Soap Operas popularized name combinations.

Heck, for Mulder and Scully, you’d just declare in the AOL Chat Room if you were a Shipper, Fencer, or Noromo. These were simpler times. But I think Crowley, here, is a full-on Heller by now.

Somewhere between the end of Season 6 and the beginning of Season 8, there’s a huge shift in the Destiel relationship and how Dean sees Cas. He stops infantilizing him. He starts caring about him in a new way and really showing it.

They start to have honest conversations and deepen what’s already there. But, we’ll get to all that.

S8E02 -

“You’ll find your angel there.”

While Dean has been saying “the” Angel, I like that people start calling Cas “your Angel or flipping the script from Cas collecting Dean to Dean collecting Cas.

Because, if we’re real, they’re each other’s favorite Pokémon.

“Dean Winchester?” “Do I know you?” “Uh, no, but, uh, I knew Castiel.” “You’re an angel?”

Most Angels who want to “Talk” to Dean are aggressive, angry, and assertive. Samandriel, in this unassuming vessel, is polite. And, like anyone who understands Castiel at all, he knows that Dean will be the one with any answers.

"I wanted to ask you about Castiel. What happened to him?” “Well, uh, me and Cas, we, uh, we iced Dick Roman and got a one-way rocket ride to Purgatory for our trouble.” “But you escaped, Did, did Castiel?”

Dean’s face says it all. And it kinda sucks because Cas didn’t have a lot of friends left in Heaven after the whole Leviathan thing, so it’s sad that Dean had to deliver the bad news.

“You know there are some in heaven who still believe despite his mistakes that Castiel’s heart was always in the right places.” “Are you one of them?” “I think too much heart was always Castiel’s problem.”

This dude looks angry at Dean. Did you notice that? He brushes Dean’s arm as he passes. He doesn’t want to talk to Dean anymore. He got his answer. And now he’s done.

And I imagine that only digs the dagger deeper into Dean. His mind flits back to Castiel, the Angel of Thursday, the one with too much heart, the one he lost.

Cas still wears a hospital band around his wrist as he washes his face and hand in the water in Purgatory. He hears Dean’s voice and looks around. It’s not that he can’t pinpoint the source of the voice, but that he’s looking for Leviathan.

Before facing him, Cas is trying to be sure Dean will be safe during this conversation. It’s such a minute thing, but it’s clear as day that he’s not only fairly sane, but also completely on mission—protect Dean Winchester at all costs.

So it begins.

Castiel stands without moving. If he moves, he might lose his vantage point to see all around them to try to keep Dean safe. But Dean walks toward him like a lost man in the woods following a far-off beacon of light.

Dean laughs as he approaches Cas, pulling him into a hug. His face turns away from Benny as he nearly crumbles. Yes, Cas once hugged Dean and Sam while still struggling with sanity, but this is Dean initiating a hug. He doesn’t do that lightly.

And he and Benny are working together, but they aren’t tight, yet, so he doesn’t want the Vamp to see the ache of hugging Cas, of finding him. His Angel. Finally.

Cas doesn’t hug back. He doesn’t think he deserves this hug. He is still punishing himself for everything he did, for everything he cannot fix.

“Damn it’s good to see you.” {he lets one hand linger on Cas’ shoulder before touching a finger to Cas’ cheek} Nice peach fuzz.” “Thank you.”

It’s such a familiar thing, there. None of the bad blood of Season 7. He’s just so relieved to have his Angel back.

“How did you find me?” “The bloody way.”

Oh, the lengths Dean has gone through for you, Castiel. Last season, you didn’t think you were good luck, but you helped him take down the big bad. And this season, you don’t think you deserve to be saved. But he does.

And nobody’s commanding it, Castiel.

Listen to me, you foolish little Angel. This is an act of love on Dean’s part because you are family. You matter to him not because you’re an Angel or because of your abilities but because of you and who you are.

I know you can’t see it. I know it will be a long time before you even begin to realize you matter to Dean because despite being able to see into him, it’s the one thing you won’t allow yourself to see.

“I ran away.” “You ran away.”

And now Dean’s faith is shattered, again.

"I had to." “That’s your excuse for leaving me with those gorilla wolves?” “Dean-” “You bailed out and, what, went camping? I prayed to you, Cas, every night.”

Oh. My. Gosh. The first time Dean prayed to Cas and he appeared, the angel said it was a sign of faith. So, despite everything that has happened between these two, Dean didn’t lose faith in Cas. He didn’t. He prayed every night.

And Cas can’t meet Dean’s eyes. Because even though he knows why he stayed away, he can feel the disappointment, the betrayal, the pain radiating off of Dean.

Also, the music cue on “every night” is so intentional. They want us to feel the emotion and the agony here.

Remember, every part of a production tells a story. The music’s telling it, too. We just have to be listening.

“What the hell’s wrong with you?” “I am an Angel in a land of abomination. There have been things hunting from the moment we arrived.” “Join the Club." “These are not just monsters, Dean, they are Leviathan. I have a price on my head. And I’ve been trying to stay one step ahead of them to-”

Cas stops, looking over to Benny.. he doesn’t want to give this stranger this insider info. But, honey, your human’s already blown your cover.

All of Purgatory know what you are to one another because Dean’s been running around with bullets and blades yelling, “Where’s my honey lemon?!” for the last year.

But he doesn’t know that. All he knows is what truly kept him away.

“-to keep them away from you.”

This hits Dean hard. He realized that Cas has been protecting him this whole time. That Cas led the worst of the worst away from Dean to keep Dean safe. He prioritized Dean.

And much as Dean would rather be in the battle with Cas every time, it’s a lot harder to be mad knowing Cas was making himself a moving target to try to give Dean a chance to survive.

“That’s why I ran. Just leave me, please."

Now that he’s said what he needs to say, he turns away. He’s trying to distance himself from Dean, to give Dean a chance because in Purgatory he’s nothing but poison to Dean.

If the very touch of Dean corrupted Cas, the very presence of Cas endangers Dean. How surreal that these two whose existences so often seem contradictory come to best live in the presence of one another.

“Cas, we’re getting out of here. We’re going home.” “Dean, I can’t.” “You can. … Cas, buddy, I need you.”

Look at Cas’ reaction. Look at that. Because Cas can see into Dean. He can see that Dean means this—Dean needs Cas.

It’s not Dean asking Cas to do something for him. It’s not him needing Cas’ skills or expertise or powers or knowledge.

This is the first time that Dean has looked at Cas and said I need you.

It’s not about use or purpose. It’s about one being needing another being. Dean needs Cas in his life. He does. He needs him.

And he’s acknowledging it for the first time.

We don’t know if it’s the first time he’s realized it within himself, but it’s the first time he’s verbalized it. And it’s almost too much for Cas.

Cas is where Dean was in S4E01…. he doesn’t think he deserves to be saved. But what can he say to Dean? How can he tell this being who is finally looking at him and saying he needs him that he can’t go with him? That he won’t?

Even how this is shot is so damn intimate. I mean, we have the shots where all three are visible, but this moment is Dean talking to Cas over Cas’ shoulder, and then a closeup of Cas’s face.

Because this is intimate and this is personal and it allows us to momentarily forget Benny and rest in this moment with Cas who is feeling things he never thought he’d feel.

Now, much as Dean thinks he’s corruption to Cas, Cas thinks he’s poison to Dean. They’re so damn similar, but for just a second, Castiel forgets all that and absorbs his words—Dean needs me.

“Dean.” “And if Leviathan want to take a shot at us, let them.”

“Us. There’s an us here, now." I know I have referenced that line from Dawson’s Creek in other metas, but that’s because it’s one of those things that stands out to me in shows—when two characters choose to become an us.

Dean and Sam are a dynamic duo, brothers. But Cas? Much as Dean tries to say he sees him like a brother or whatnot, it’s because he’s trying to fit his relationship with Cas into a heteronormative box based on his life of experience.

And, yes, Benny makes three, but Dean is making a point to Cas, here. You don’t have to do this alone. We are going to do this together.

“We ganked those bitches once before, we can do it, again.”

Look at Dean’s face. He wants to do this with Cas. He can’t imagine going on without him.

“Let me bottom line it for you. I’m not leaving here without you.”

Dean has abandonment issues. He also has a fear of failing people. The people who need him most. The people he loves.

And all of this—from Dean saying he needs Cas to saying he won’t leave without him—has been shot without a glimpse of Benny. This was intentional. This tells a story.

We’re going on a journey in this scene, and for this particular part, Benny is a distraction. Because this is about the Destiel.

This is about Dean trying to get through to Castiel, and Cas trying to appease Dean enough to keep him moving, to get him to safety, knowing that he won’t follow behind.

Because Dean’s motivation in this scene is to get Cas and get back on the road. Castiel’s motivation is to get rid of Dean to keep him safe. But Cas quickly realizes Dean won’t move on without him.

Because Dean needs him.

Castiel is a burden to Dean and Benny, here. He’s literally a lightning rod for Leviathans and will dramatically reduce their chance of escape. But Dean doesn’t care.

That’s what is so wild about this. It’s the “heart choice” as Sam would say. Dean’s making the heart choice for Cas because he loves him.

It doesn’t matter what kind of love, at this point. It’s love. And it’s what Dean believes will pull that resistant Angel outta Purgatory, no matter what.

No, y’all weren’t crazy. I hope you know that.

This final shot on the water is beautiful.

Benny has been there during the scene, and when he was trying to split these two up by baiting Cas, he was in between them in a lot of the shots.

Then, what it got personal, the shots transitioned until it was close ups of Dean and Cas—because this is them. Dean unyielding in wanting to keep them together. Castiel doing anything to protect Dean, even if it means keeping them apart.

In this last wide shot with the three of them in silhouette, Benny is on the outside, and Cas and Dean are facing one another. What a beautiful metaphor for how the scene started to how it ended.

Yes, Cas intends to stay, but he’s going to stay with Dean as long as he can. He will protect him as well as he can. Now, the fate of the world doesn’t matter for him. He’s in Purgatory, so what can he do about it?

But the fate of one man? Maybe he can have a hand in saving that one man.

"I know we’re not mates, Kevin, but one word of advice. Run. Run far and run fast. Because the Winchesters, well, they have a habit of using people up and watching them die bloody.”

The camera shows us Dean, his reaction to these words. Bobby’s gone. Cas is gone. And this kid… Well, who can blame this kid for being scared?

“What’s that kid thinking?” “He thinks people I don’t need anymore, they end up dead.” “Dean, that that’s not true. You know that.”

Don’t “need”. Need. And, yes, this is a different kind of need because he did need Cas and Cas still ended up dead, as far as he knows.

Look, I have definitely felt that Cas was used up a lot by the Winchesters. So many times he had to remind them that he was at literal war and they didn’t care.

They were hard on him. They were patronizing to him. They called him only when they needed things and off-hand sort of offered help… but by that point it was far too late.

This doesn’t excuse Cas’ bonehead decisions in Season 6. He made those on his own. Both “the Winchesters were using Cas like a personal pan Angel” and “Castiel was being a fucking moron” can be true at the same time.

S8E05 -

“I don’t think it would work for me.” “You hear what he’s telling you, Dean? Your buddy is saying-.”

“Your buddy”. We’ve officially entered the stage where people finally start addressing Dean with the “your such and such” stuff.

“Listen to me you undead blood junkie, I’m the one with the mojo. I’m the one with the plan. Cas, we’re gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

Dean is so determined that the plan will work. And this is so damn true to character that I could kiss him (platonically, on the cheek) for being who he is. Because that’s why we love Dean Winchester—he keeps at it even when it seems damn impossible.

But, yeah, he’s totally missing the point—Cas is trying to say goodbye.

“My life changed when she entered it, Dean. Everything I had been or done up to that point just… seemed to vanish into what we had become together. I mean, we found it, man.”

Why is this such a parallel for Castiel and Dean? In this version, Castiel and Benny are in the same position—two beings who had entire lives before they met the one they loved.

And from that point on, everything was different.

Dean changed Cas. And as the Vampires came for Benny, the Angels came for Cas. It’s so damn obvious if you just sit and listen.

“The Angel knows it. We are never gonna make it with him next to us glowing like a beacon.” “Do I need to remind you of our deal? Of what you committed to?” “He is gonna get us killed.”

But just a moment later, Benny saves Cas from a Leviathan, and that secures Dean’s loyalty. Because, Benny knows that it would be easier for him and Dean to make it without Cas—but Dean’s not going anywhere without his Angel.

So, instead of letting the Leviathan magnet die, Benny saves him.

S8E06 -

“Well, I guess people change, don’t they?”

This is Dean talking about not killing Benny, and I think it’s important that Dean is on a journey of his own, here. It’s independent of Cas, and there’s nothing wrong with that. For so long, Dean was the one to “Kill first, talk later”.

He can’t be a static character, and I’m glad they explored this side of him, to be honest. I think he needed to see that he could be more than just what was expected of him.

But I think it’s important to remember that Dean is a creature of habit and that change isn’t as easy for him as it is for others. He’s slower to see the humanity in Benny, Meg, Crowley, Rowena, etc. He takes a while to catch up.

And it’s the same with his love for Cas. It’s going to take him longer to get there because it’s outside of what he expects of himself, of what he expects for his life, of who he thinks he’ll be.

For goodness sake, it isn’t until the Penultimate episode of the series, fresh off Castiel’s declaration of love that he sees himself as anything other than the killer he’s been “destined” to be. And Cas’ love did that.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself…

S8E07 -

MUSIC: “If it’s the last thing we ever do, we got to get out of this place. Girl, there’s a better life for you and me.”

I didn’t catch it the first time I watched the scene, but as I rewatched, I had to giggle a little at that music choice. And, yes, it was a choice.

This show is all about nostalgia when it comes to music because that’s a big part of Dean’s personality. Music takes him back to times when things were simpler. Sometimes they remind him of his Mom.

Dean isn’t expecting to see Cas on the side of the road as this particular line plays, but somebody made that choice, and we get to read into it. Yay!

Is it about getting out of Purgatory, Dean and Cas? That seems like the obvious read on it, right? And the end of the song is literally “Believe me, baby. I know it. You know it, too.”

So, Dean’s listening to a love song about getting away with your baby at the exact moment Cas first tries to connect with him from wherever he is.

“I was about to say you look like you’ve seen a ghost, but you’d probably be stoked. You okay?” “Yeah, I’m cool.”

His tone is so… resigned. Like, he has to be okay, because there’s no way he actually saw Castiel? Right!?

Until… he sees him again outside the window. And let’s address how insane their connection is that Sam never sees Cas during this weird in-between period of Cas trying to get through. It’s only Dean.

Plus, we know poor Castiel is probably undergoing his lobotomy about, now. So, does this mean he’s trying to reach out during the process? That he’s trying to escape? That some part of him knows something is wrong and he needs to get to Dean?

Dean closes the laptop and goes to the window, looking out. It wakes Sam.

“I just saw something." “Uh, you saw what?” “Cas."

Ackles is killing me with how softly he delivers a single syllable, how wistful and wishful.

“Cas? Where?” “Right there. And, and and earlier on the road. I feel like I’m seeing him.” “That’s not possible. I mean, you said it yourself. You made it out and he didn’t.” “I tried so damn hard to get us out of there.”

Us. There’s an us here.

“I know you did.” “You know, I could have pulled him out, I just don’t understand why he didn’t try harder.” {Dean walks away, and even when his brother approaches him, Dean’s eye go to the window, not Sam} “Dean. You did everything you could.” “Yeah, but why do I feel like crap?” “Survivors guilt?” “Hm.”

I mean, there’s also a far less hetero explanation, Sam, but I get why you’re not going there, yet.

“If you let it, this is gonna keep messing with you. You’ve gotta walk past it.”

But Dean can’t. He’s stuck on this moment, on his failure, on his belief that he let Cas down.

“Dean, it’s a human portal. There’s no still proof that an angel can pass.” “Stow it, Cas. You’re coming. That’s final.” “I’m just saying {Cas puts a hand on Dean’s shoulder. It stops them both} if it doesn’t work. Thank you for everything.” “Save the hallmark. Okay? It’s gonna work. Nobody gets left behind.”

Or forgotten. I’m sorry, am I the only one who thought that because of Lilo & Stitch? Then, again, maybe I’m not the target demo for Supernatural at all and this is all a terrible, terrible mistake.

But the point here is that Cas is trying to prepare Dean for the ultimate failure because he’s afraid to tell Dean the truth. And even more afraid that Dean will get stuck in Purgatory trying to get him out.

“Hello, Dean.”

I started laughing so hard, which is so inappropriate. I mean, Cas just showed up in Dean’s reflection, over his shoulder as his little Angel. And all I can think about is Sam on the other side of this touching moment looking at nothing but Cas Ass.

Something’s seriously wrong with me.

But, once, again, as soon as Cas appears, he’s cropped out of the shots. This moment right here is for Dean and Cas.

“Yeah, I’ve been trying to reach out, but for whatever reason I wasn’t at full power. So I couldn’t connect with you.” “That must have been why you kept seeing him. I mean, you think?” … “I’m dirty.” “Yeah, well, Purgatory will do that to you.”

Dean’s thrilled to have Castiel back, but alarm bells are going off in his head. He knows that there was only a human hatch outta Purgatory and Cas has zero memory of how he got here.

I don’t think he’s worried that Cas is something else—Demon, Shapeshifter, Leviathan—but he’s worried about Cas and what it means for all of them that he can’t remember how he got there.

Cas walks out of the bathroom, not only clean, but finally wearing his trademark Castiel costume fully for the first time since the first episodes of Season 7. He smiles as he presents himself, so damn proud.

And the audience gets to see Castiel settled as himself, again. He’s no longer grappling with the mental anguish he took on from Sam, but anyone who’s seen the series before knows the alarm bells going off in Dean’s head are warranted.

Ackles’ acting choice is baffling to me, though. I don’t mean it in a critical sense! I only mean to say that I have watched it over and over and there are so many interpretations that I’m struggling to land on one that resonates most with me.

It feels unsettled, to me, while others read it in a sexual manner. I can see it that way, but I’m going to go with Dean just being unsettled to see Cas shift so quickly from Purgatory putrid to squeaky-clean Angel.

They try to fall into a familiar rhythm, but even sitting in the car with Castiel behind him, Dean’s mind is on Purgatory.

"Cas, can I talk to you outside?” “What?” “Exactly. What? What the hell happened? Back there. Purgatory. I told you I would get you out. We were there. It’s like you just gave up. It’s like you didn’t believe we could do it.”

There are are so many times where Dean is disappointed when Cas doesn’t appear to trust him. It devastates him every time, and I don’t think Cas even realizes it, yet.

“You kept saying that you didn’t think it would work. Did you not trust me?”

I swear, I forgot he said that, here. But, I guess it goes to show I was on the right track. Score one for Rachel!

“Dean-" “I did everything I could to get you out. Everything!” {Cas’ eyes narrow… he’s looking} I did not leave you.”

His abandonment issues are flaring here. He doesn’t want to do to others what he felt was done to him. He feels like he’s always been abandoned. and he would never do that to Cas.

Because when he and Cas went into Purgatory, he’d forgiven Cas. Cas actually helped him save the day. Cas came through despite his fears and self-doubt.

Dean believed in him and he was going to protect him, damnit, because Cas was family. And Ackles is doing a phenomenal job here of weaving his anger with anguish, his frustration with heartbreak.

It’s such a complicated character—one who has a vision of who he is supposed to be so carved into him that it rivals the Enochian sigil on his ribs. And, yet, he is so much more layered than he often allows himself to be.

And Ackles has the job of conveying that to us since we can’t see inside of Dean’s head. He’s really doing a lovely job here. I stop and rewind that line quite a bit because someone in that editing booth was smart enough to hang onto the shot long enough to let Ackles emote the shit out of it long after his lips stop moving.

“So you think this was your fault?”

Dean doesn’t like when Cas sees him like that… sees through him. It makes it so much harder for him to deflect and hide his emotions.

Cas smites the demon, but he’s worn, and Dean notices immediately. He rushes to the Angel and grips his shoulder.

“What the hell is going on? You’re not all the way back, are you?”

Dean is so much more aware of Castiel this season. Damn, I like this.

“It’s not working.” “Dean, I’m going in.” “Cas, no. You’re not strong enough.”

Dean is concerned. This is such a shift from last season where Dean was pushing, pushing, pushing at Cas to get him to do something despite him not being fully himself.

He just got Cas back, and he’s trying to protect him. Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe it’s that he can’t lose him, again, so suddenly.

But Cas goes in, anyway. And after he destroys the tablet, the door opens to reveal Dean. He rushes immediately to his Angel, gripping his shoulder to help him sit up. They hold each other’s gazes just long enough for Dean to confirm he’s okay.

“That was a bonehead move back there. You could have gotten yourself killed. Why didn’t you wait for me?” “Well, I didn’t get killed and it worked.” “And if it didn’t?” “It would have been my problem.”

Last season, Dean was telling Cas to clean up his mess. Well, Cas internalized that, it seems.

Also, Season 8 moves to them really speaking to one another more like equals. In Season 4 and even 5, Cas does a lot of talking down to Dean. Season 6 and 7, Dean does a lot of talking down to Cas.

In Season 8, there’s this evening of the plane between them that really shines in their few episodes together at the front half of the season.

“Well, that’s not the way I see it.” “Hey, everything isn’t your responsibility. Getting me out of purgatory wasn’t your responsibility.”

This is kinda sad, to see that Cas thinks of himself as a responsibility or obligation. But, it’s not entirely wrong for him to see that, especially considering how Dean talked about Sam during his wild, brothel-filled night out with Cas.

Dean does often feel like he’s responsible for everything. That’s why he hunts. He thinks he doesn’t deserve a quiet life as long as there are terrible things out there that will ruin the quiet lives of others.

“You didn’t get out. So, whose fault was it?” “It’s not about fault. It’s about will. Dean, do you really not remember?” “I lived it, Cas. Okay, I know what happened.” “No. You think you know. You remembered it the way you needed to.”

Every now and then we get a reminder that Castiel is a freaking Angel and he can see inside of Dean. He realizes that Dean’s memory is faulty, that he has false guilt, and he wants to lift it from him.

“Look, I don’t need to feel like hell for failing you, okay? For failing you like I’ve failed every other godforsaken thing that I care about!"

And there it is. He cares about Cas. He feels like he failed Cas. And he hates to let down the ones he loves.

“I don’t need it.” “Dean, just look at it. Really look at it. {He shows Dean} See, it wasn’t that I was weak. I was stronger than you. I pulled away. Nothing you could have done would have saved me because I didn’t want to be saved.”

“I pulled away” is just insane, here. But, also, “I didn’t want to be saved”. What was it that Chuck said at the end of Season 5? That Dean didn’t want Cas to save him?

These two are so alike, and they just don’t see it. Always punishing themselves more than anyone else will ever punish them.

“What the hell are you talking about?” “It’s where I belonged. I needed to do penance after the things I did on earth and in heaven, I didn’t deserve to be out and I saw that clearly while I was there. I, I planned to stay all along. I just didn’t know how to tell you. You can’t save everyone, my friend. Though you try.”

There are tears in Dean’s eyes, and his lip starts to quiver. He’s upset. He’s heartbroken in a different way. He realizes how Cas punished himself.

Dean forgave him and wanted Cas to come with him, but Cas couldn’t forgive himself. That’s something else they share, now.

Everything Dean did in Hell… everything Cas did on Earth and in Heaven… they both have shame that digs so deep into who they are that they don’t think they deserve to be saved.

From “You can’t save everyone” to “You don’t think you deserve to be saved”.

They share this in a profound and horrible way that few other beings could. It’s another thread of connection between them that, oh, both would give anything for the other not to know such pain.

Dean clams up as soon as Sammy appears. All the vulnerability he was showing with Cas… it’s gone. And it’s not that Dean can’t be vulnerable with his brother, but that’s different. What he has with Cas is different from what he has with his brother.

Much as Dean tries to smash Cas into a “brother” box because it’s what he knows, we are to a point where their relationship is something else, and Dean doesn’t yet realize it.

“Just, uh, setting a few things straight.”

Because we’re not. What, that’s not what he said?

Dean looks to Cas and he’s still in that moment. He’s still there… he hasn’t released, yet, from what he just realized and saw.

“Yes, I’m with you. If that’s alright.”

Cas takes this right to Dean. He knows that Dean gets final say when it comes to him, and he knows that he just dropped a bombshell on his friend. So, he’s willing to do whatever Dean wants, here.

“It is, right? You two are good?” “Yeah.”

But Dean is pensive, still lost, still worried about Cas.

Look, we already know Heaven and Hell know about Destiel. Now Purgatory does, too, and I’m fairly certain Sammy here is in the know. I think the very last person to know is Dean, but that’s a story for much later in this Meta.

Also, this concludes Dean’s Season 8 Widower Arc. It gets worse every time he loses Cas, but this time is a tough one because he thinks he failed Cas.

He thinks he let him down. He thinks he left Cas in Purgatory despite all his best efforts. But the truth sets him free, to an extent.

S8E08 -

“What’s the word, Cas?” “It’s a shortened version of my name.”

Dean wags his head in the usual “Autistic Cas” moment way, and not the “Cas lost his marbles” way. It’s refreshing. It feels like we’re back.

“I mean what the word on the word. Any, uh, tablet chatter on Angel radio?” “Oh, I couldn’t say. I turned that off.” … “Why’d you flip the switch?” “Because it’s a direct link to Heaven, and I don’t want anything to do with that place. Not anymore.”

This is so heartbreaking. Cas is running from Heaven and staking his claim with the Winchesters. He wants to stay with them.

I mean, he literally said in Season 6 there were times he’d rather be on Earth with them rather than in Heaven. His allegiances and alliances have shifted so significantly.

“Wait, Cas. Cas. If you wanna play cowboys and bloodsuckers, that’s fine, but you’re gonna stick with us, okay? None of this zapping around crap. Capiche?” “Yeah, I capiche.”

Look, it’s another arc for Castiel, right? Later, we’ll see him hunt quite well on his own. But, he can’t start off an expert, especially with his learning curve with all things human.

At the hotel, the boys are working while Cas researches in his own way—watching cartoons. And, Castiel is sitting on a bed, again.

At this point, it just feels like an unnecessary middle finger, but it makes me laugh every time. Cas is gonna sit on the bed, damnit!

“I understand. The bird represents God and coyote is man endlessly chasing the divine yet never able to catch up to him. It’s hilarious.”

He plays it off, but we know he’s saying that because from Dean’s look, he’s not getting the message they’d hoped. Cas starts going through Dean’s bag, again, just looking at the various things.

And Dean never calls him on it. He never does. He just ignores it as the Angel explores and learns.

“Cas, you gonna book a room or what?” “No, I’ll stay here.” “Oh, okay, yeah. We’ll have a slumber party and braid Sam’s hair. Where are you gonna sleep?” “I don’t sleep.” “Okay, well I need my four hours so” “I’ll watch over you.” “That’s not gonna happen.”

Dean, you know that Castiel doesn’t sleep. You’re literally the one who mentioned it when he was Emmanuel, and when Cas was briefly human in Season 5 and you saw him sleeping, you and Sam discussed how Angels don’t sleep.

So, either this slipped past the writers or Dean conveniently forgot.

“Hey, can you lift this?”

Cas nearly rolls his eyes as he does, and Dean’s a little impressed, here, if he’s honest. Like, “My Angel is fit!” Am I right?

“Your father. Beautiful handwriting."

He is literally reading John Winchester’s journal. And Dean doesn’t seem surprised or whatever. He doesn’t seem to worry about boundaries with the Angel much, anymore, which is fascinating. There’s such a level of trust there.

Also, sitting on beds continues.

“How are you feeling Cas?” “I’m fine.” “Well, I just, I, I know that when I got puked out of purgatory it took me a few weeks to find my sea legs.”

Partly because you were mourning Cas, you big lug.

“I’m fine.” “Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy you’re back. I’m freaking thrilled. It’s just this whole mysterious resurrection thing. It always has one mother of a downside.”

Dean’s truly trying to watch out for Cas, here, for all of them. He knows that Cas is off because he knows Castiel well enough, now, to know what to look for. He honestly wants to help Cas while protecting them all from whatever other shoe might be about to drop.

{Cas closes the book and looks at him} “So, what do you want me to do?” “Maybe take a trip upstairs.” “To heaven?” “Yeah. Poke around. See if the God squad can’t tell us how you got out.” “No.” “Look man I hate those flying ass monkeys as much as you do but-” “Dean, I said no!”

It’s a rare moment of Castiel losing his cool in the midst of an otherwise non-confrontational conversation with Dean. And it’s definitely off.

So, Dean does the most human thing he can. He closes his laptop, walks away from work, and sits on the bed across from Cas, giving him his full attention.

This is such growth for Dean, here. He is investing in Cas. Not because of what Cas can do for him or help him with, but because he cares about Cas. We’ve crossed into a new state of being for them as a unit—one with mutual respect.

It was a long time coming, and it’s probably why some of their Season 8 scenes are among my favorite Destiel scenes ever, this one included.

“Talk to me.” “Dean, I-”

Cas sets down the journal, squares up with Dean so they’re facing one another, and finally looks him in the eye.

“When I was bad and I had all those things the leviathans writhing inside of me, I caused a lot of suffering on Earth, but I devastated heaven. I vaporized thousands of my own kind and I, I can’t go back.” “Cause if you do the angels will kill you.” “Because if I see what heaven’s become, what I… what I made of it, I’m afraid I might kill myself.”

For Cas to admit something like this is huge. He’s a being that’s been around since almost the beginning of time, but in addition to wanting to leave himself in a dimension where he was constantly hunted, he now is struggling with suicidal thoughts.

The impact of Cas’ words hit Dean just as Sam walks in. Dean tries to stay focused on Cas, but Cas is eager for the out and he gets up, breaking the moment.

“You go Invisible Girl and keep an eye on him, you hear me?”

This is fascinating to me, because Dean is essentially telling Cas to spy, the very thing he did that got him in trouble back in Season 6 and gave him away when he was working with Crowley.

It’s no longer touchy or concerning to Dean. It’s a skill Cas has that they are going to use… and rarely use, again.

“Cas, you get to ride shotgun. You done good.”

And, gosh, Cas wants that. He wants to be with Dean and Sam and keep going. But Naomi holds him back.

S8E10 -

“Damn it, Cas. How many times I gotta tell you, it’s just creepy.” "Dean, I need your help. The angel Samandriel, he’s been taken." … “So, who snatched Heaven’s most adorable angel?”

Are you trying to make Cas jealous, Dean? Also, I think it’s funny how Dean can never sleep through Cas watching him. Honestly, Cas wants Dean to wake so they can talk.

“Yes, which is why I need your help. It seems this is gonna involve, talking to people.” “Come on, Cas, I thought you were a hunter, now.” “Well, I thought so, too, but, it seems I lack a certain-“ “Skill? {slams porn shut} You saw nothing.”

Why the sudden embarrassment, Dean? Two seasons ago, Cas was watching porn in the hotel room and you were annoyed with him, but not embarrassed by it. I mean, you were the one to comment on his boner!

Cas politely looks away as Dean reopens the laptop. He quickly exits out of the porn and get to work.

But I find the shift in sex from a go-to joke or moment of levity to taboo between them fascinating.

Yes, I know I’m over-using that word. But I’m writing this Meta in between a bunch of real world ridiculousness, so I’m not gonna be too hard on me for ignoring the Thesaurus.

“All right. What am I looking for?”

PAUSE: This is huge. I mean, all of Season 6 Cas tried to tell them he was at war and they treated him like shit. Now, Cas comes with a need and Dean wants to help. That is growth.

“Hey, what do you say this doesn’t pan out we head back to that beer-and-bacon Happy Hour about a mile back, huh?”

Aww. Cas doesn’t eat, but Dean wants to, like, hang out and eat with him. That’s more growth!

“And I need both of you, as you say, to stow your crap. Can you do that?”

Forceful Cas is back! I love forceful Cas! Because sometimes he gets so puppy-eyed in later seasons that we forget he’s a badass warrior Angel.

“After killing so many, I need to save at least this one.”

He looks to Dean. Dean gets it, now, Cas’ mindset. And he was the one to meet Samandriel and know they were friends.

“Cas, go.”

Okay, mad creative use of the Angel Swoop, here. Instead of the camera swooping to reveal Cas, it swoops out with Dean’s outstretched hand to reveal the angels are gone. That’s some mighty neat directing, there!

Naomi orders Cas to kill Samandriel, his friend, and he does it almost without question. There’s no real hesitation. He echoes what Naomi tells him to say, but Dean and Sam both know something’s really wrong.

Also, him taking the body up to Heaven after saying he wanted nothing to do with Heaven a few episodes ago is wild. So, yeah, the Winchesters are right to wonder what the fuck is up with their friend.

It will be seven episodes before we see Cas, again. Seven episodes apart from him. Guest actor work is wild.

S8E13 -

“Anything from Cas?” “No, not, not a peep. Why, you?” “No, He’s, uh, he’s not answering.”

Dean’s the one to bring him up. After a year of chasing him down in Purgatory only to lose him at the last minute, he’s eager to keep an eye on the guy.

S8E14 -

“I’ll tell you what I do know. It’s that I’m gonna die with a gun in my hand. Cause that’s what I have waiting for me. That’s all I have waiting for me."

Ehh… you’ll have friends. Family. And an Angel waiting for you, my boy. But, that’s a while off, yet.

“I want you to get out. I want you to have a life, become a man of letters, whatever. You with a wife, and kids, and, and grandkids. Living til you’re fat and bald and chugging viagra. That’s my perfect ending and it’s the only one that I’m gonna get. So I’m gonna do these trials. I’m gonna do them alone, end of story. You’re staying here. I’m going out there.”

He doesn’t know how right he is about that future. I know including this isn’t very “Destiel” of me, but I think it’s important to see where Dean is mentally apart from Cas.

“I believe in you, Dean, so please, please, believe in me, too.”

Belief is powerful, and that’s something that this show really addresses over and over. It’s not about faith in any specific thing. It’s about faith in something and someone. And Dean’s faith is shakier than anyone’s in anything.

It’s just good to remember that every so often.

S8E16 -

“So, no word from Cas. Kevin’s taking his sweet little time. And you’re acting cagey.”

Again, Dean’s the one to bring up Cas. He’s thinking a lot about his Angel.

“Cas, you got your ears on? Listen, you know I am not one for praying. Cause in my books it’s, it’s the same as begging. But this is about Sam so I need you to hear me. We are going into this deal blind, and I don’t know what’s ahead. Or what it’s gonna bring for sam. Now he’s covering pretty good but I know that he is hurting and this one was supposed to be on me. So for all that we’ve been through, I’m asking you… you keep a lookout for my little brother, okay? {Looks for him} Where the hell are you, man?”

This is the most earnestly we’ve seen Dean pray to Cas. It’s heartbreakingly beautiful, but layered with trust and truth. He’s worried about his brother and he’s asking Castiel to be the one to take care of him, to watch out for him.

This is Dean’s mission in life—protect Sammy. And he’s asking Cas to join him in. I mean, that’s huge. Some people bring a new adult into their kid’s life, and I know that’s a big move of trust. I’ve lived it as that kid.

Dean is demonstrating that trust he still has in Cas despite his shady behavior this season. He believes Cas will do this for him… if only he’ll answer.

S8E17-

This opener is so fucking creepy and I love it. Castiel being conditioned to kill Dean Winchester. And it doesn’t take a handful or a dozen of dummies for Naomi to be satisfied with Castiel’s brainwashing.

No, as we pull out we see hundreds and hundreds of Dean Winchesters slain by Castiel’s hand. Over and over she taught him to murder him, to end him, to destroy him.

The path to Hell might be lined with good intentions, but the floors of Heaven are lined with dead bodies. Gee wiz!

“How about you answer some questions, first, like where the hell have you been?” “You heard me, didn’t you.” “You prayed to him? “Yes, I heard you.”

This hurts. Because prayer is a sign of faith, and to know that Cas heard him and didn't answer hurts like hell. And Dean should know!

“Well, he puts the ’ass’ in ’Cas’, huh?”

No. Dean. Because Castiel has one S in his name, but we’ll let it slide because that Angel’s in love with you enough not to correct you.

“He’s definitely off." “Off? He hasn’t been right since he got back from Purgatory and we will don’t know how he got out of there.” “I don’t know, Dean, if he’s so sketchy then why were you praying to him?” “You know I can hear you both. I am a celestial being.”

This is one thing that really makes me laugh, sometimes. I mean, there are times I think the show forgets Cas is a celestial being, too, but these two really underestimate him and his powers.

But, Dean is so right to be suspicious and worried. It just goes to show how much better he knows Cas, now. He can tell when Cas is himself and when something else is going on.

“You really think we can trust Meg-stiel.”

Also, don’t think I haven’t missed the hilarity of Ackles being the one chosen to deliver this line. The popularity of combining the names of characters to form ship names originated with Soap Operas, and our dear Texas prince, here, was quite the Soap star back in the day. So, that gave me an extra giggle.

“You haven’t been fine since the first trial. That’s why I called Cas.” … “Dean, I’m telling you, I’m okay.” “No, you’re not. Sam… you’re damaged in ways even I can’t heal. Dean’s right. You should stay here and protect Meg.”

And I’m one of those who thinks Cas did have a genuine connection with Meg. Now, we all know he’s doing this mostly because Naomi wants to keep Cas close to the tablet, no matter what. But I don’t mind Meg-stiel.

It’s not my Ship, but it’s a good ship. And the brief stint of Meg and Dean sharing Cas will forever make me smile.

“I can’t let you take that, Dean.” “Can’t? Or won’t?” “Both.” “How did you get out of Purgatory, Cas?”

Dean sees an opportunity, and he’s leaping for it. He’s going to use the leverage he thinks he has to get answers, damnit.

BACK IN HEAVEN: There has to be another way., You have done this a thousand times, Castiel. You’re ready. Kill him. Then take the tablet and bring it home where it belongs.

"Just tell me how you got out of purgatory. Be honest with me. For the first time since you’ve been back, and this is yours. ... Cas. Cas, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you, but if you’re I there and you can hear me, you don’t have to do this. Cas!"

BACK IN HEAVEN: This isn’t right. … I won’t hurt Dean., Yes, you will. You are.

“Cas, fight this. This is not you. Fight it!”

This strikes me so hard. Dean is fully aware that this is not Cas, that Cas would never do this. Yes, Cas beat the shit out of him in Season 6, but there was a reason behind that that Dean understood.

This blind abuse without emotion? That’s not Cas.

Cas feels. He has too much heart. This is passionless, emotionless, and very much like a Terminator executing a kill order.

And Dean believes Cas can fight this. That’s what strikes me about Season 8—Dean has such faith in Cas.

BACK IN HEAVEN: {Cas is holding his head. This is killing him.} “What have you done to me?” “Just relax, Castiel, let your vessel do what you know deep down is the right thing.”

This strikes me, taking me back to Dean whipping Cas around in that Burger & Beer room back in Season 4, saying that the angel knew the difference between right and wrong.

Naomi has no idea how deep Dean is in Castiel’s veins, in his mind, in the Angelic equivalent of a heart. His protests begin to bleed out, the connection wearing thinner as he starts to speak aloud on Earth.

“What have you done to me, Naomi?” “Who’s Naomi?”

Dean was right. Something is wrong, and he can see Cas fighting it. He’s doing it. He’s trying to fucking fight, which is what Dean always asks Cas to do.

BACK IN HEAVEN: “What have I done to you? Do you have any idea what it’s like out there. There’s blood everywhere and it’s on your hands. After everything you did to us, to heaven, I fixed you, Castiel. I fixed you.”

Season 7 Castiel lamented that he couldn’t “fix” things. Season 6 Castiel “fixed” what he could by saving Lisa. Season 8 Castiel was “fixed” by Naomi. It comes back around and around, again, but so much is still broken.

“You want it? Take it. But you’re gonna have to kill me first. Come on, you coward. Do it. Do it!”

This harkens back to the fight in Season 5 when Dean was bloodied on the ground in the alley. He told Castiel to finish it off, and that is when Castiel stopped before. He stopped before when Dean goaded him, encouraged him, egged him on.

Will it be enough this time?

BACK IN HEAVEN: “Please." “End this Castiel.”

He pleads for mercy. He begs.

On Earth, Dean reaches for Cas free hand, grabbing his arm. Castiel doesn’t shrug it off. He’s in a trance, but you can tell he’s still aware of Dean. Dean knows it, too.

So Dean tries what he can to break through.

“Cas, this isn’t you. This isn’t you. Cas. Cas.”

Cas raises his weapon to deliver a final blow, but he pauses. He stalls. His arm hovers in the air, somewhere between the connection.

“I know you’re in there. I know you can hear me. Cas. It’s me. We’re family. We need you. I need you.”

The last time he said this was in Purgatory, and oh how it nearly destroyed Cas then. Because Cas knows by now that he needs Dean. But here, it’s somehow even more personal.

Because Dean starts with the bigger picture and brings it smaller. He starts with “we”—me and Sammy. But then, it becomes more intimate.

It’s about you and me, Cas. It’s about us. I need you.

BACK IN HEAVEN: “You have to choose, Castiel. Us or them.”

That’s all it takes for Cas to know his choice. Despite the connection still being open, the weapon tumbles from his hand. He releases Dean, and the wounded human falls back as Cas reaches for the tablet.

The second he connects with the tablet, something Angelic happens, and the thinning connection snaps.

Because the tightly braided cord between him and Dean is strong and resilient. When asked to choose between the two, there wasn’t a chance in Hell he was choosing Heaven.

Dean’s love for Cas broke through. Now, is it romantic love at this point? I don’t know that I’d call it that, personally. But it is love.

Cas realizes what he’s done to Dean, and rather than wave a hand over his face or touch a finger to his forehead, Cas reaches out with his open hand to cup Dean’s face. It’s intimate. It’s personal. It’s purposeful.

There’s healing in the touch, of course, but there’s also love. And for Cas… yes, yes I think he’s at least beginning to realize the depths of his love for Dean Winchester.

Dean’s fear before the healing sets in is palpable, his voice breaking as he repeats Cas’ name. He grips Cas’ sleeve in anticipation of the pain, then his fingers falter as the restoration settles over him, instead.

“I’m so sorry, Dean.” “What the hell just happened?”

Yeah, yeah. You’re about to get an earful, my friend.

“So this Naomi has been controlling you since she got you out of Purgatory.” “Yeah.” “Well, what broke the connection?”

The tablet finished the job, but the connection was already breaking. Because of love. Dean Winchester’s love for Cas broke through. Again, I don’t think it’s romantic on his end, yet, but for Castiel, that shift has been in motion for a while.

So, when Dean speaks honestly for love, it connected with the love in Cas for him. It was strong enough to send the weapon tumbling from his hands, to allow our Cas to break through enough to quirk an eyebrow of curiosity as he reached for the tablet.

The subtlety in that little bit of performing is phenomenal because I had to really look to be sure I wasn't imaging it. The tablet set him free, yes, but I fully believe it was only because the link to Naomi was already fraying and failing because of Dean.

“So, what happened? I mean, Cas touched the tablet and it reset to him his factory settings or something?” “I don’t know and I don’t care. All I know is that he is off the reservation with a, a heavenly WMD. Listen, man, I can’t take anymore lies from anyone.”

Oh, Dean. He wasn’t trying to lie this time. He was literally lobotomized and he told you so.

Maybe you’ll give him a little more grace on this one because, y’know, he was programmed to fucking kill you and your love for him broke through enough to stop him.

On another note: "Goodbye Stranger" is such a fucking banger. Yes, I know it came out before I was born (1984), but my mother hated the music of the 80’s and 90’s so I grew up on 50’s-70’s music.

Like, I was sitting here singing along at the end. I'm so ridiculous—a walking musical jukebox of a human.

S8E18 -

“I’m fine. Are you okay?” “Me?” “Yeah, Cas dinged you up pretty good.” “And? “And I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.” “What, like my feelings?” “If that’s what you want to talk about, sure.”

Sam meant his feelings the whole time. Dean’s had the shit beat out of him by Cas before, but this is different. Dean knew something was off about Cas, and he was right.

In the end, Cas took off. And, no, Dean doesn’t understand everything that Cas has been through. But, to be fair, Cas hasn’t exactly clued Dean in on much beyond that brief conversation.

Cas and Dean fight and it fucks with Dean, and Sam knows that. He's trying to give his brother space to talk it out and feel what he’s feeling, but Dean’s so damn repressed he deflects to some bullshit and Sam understandably gives up.

S8E19 -

“See, I don’t trust angels, which means I don’t trust you.” “And yet you haven’t warded this place against us.”

Damn. HBIC out here spitting truth.

But I completely understand how Dean has one Angel—one—that he trusts. Even despite all this bullshit right now, he is still trusting in Cas enough to leave the door open to him.

I only wish Cas knew that. Yes, Castiel is doing what he can to protect the tablet. But, he's gotta learn at some point that it’s better when he works with the Winchester boys.

Yes, I know this is a huge character flaw of both Dean and Cas. They both think they know what's best, go off half-cocked and do make some asinine deal or decision, then spend half a season mad the other one was the one to fuck up this time and not them.

"I know. You’re hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty. I only wish he felt the same way.”

You fucker. Look at the pain on Dean’s face. He doesn’t want Cas to let him down. He wants Cas to come back and explain himself and let them help.

“I know you don’t want to believe it, Dean, but we’re on the same side, shutting the gates of hell, bringing Castiel in from the cold. Take a moment. Think about what I’ve said.”

And here she is planting the seeds of her own destruction.

Everything she has done to Cas has been wrong, so it’s no wonder he’s later duped by Metatron into trying once again to “fix” things.

Again, consistent character flaw. But, it's so refreshing when Cas at last steps away from Heaven and lets them fuck things up on their own without him, for a change.

S8E20 -

“What about, uh, Castiel? He seems helpful and dreamy.”

We know Cas isn’t Charlie’s type, but she still calls him “dreamy”, so whose type is he? Yes, we all know it’s Dean.

And, side note, autocorrect tried to change the above to “whose top is he” and I very nearly left it in.

Just so you know, Autocorrect knows what's up with Destiel and it ain’t platonic or brotherly!

S8E21 -

I’m innocently watching the screen and a name flashes up. Directed by Robert Duncan McNeil!?! One of my favorite television directors of all time!?

No, I am not kidding. He has a certain style to his directing that allows the camera to become a character in this really beautiful way.

I caught a Chuck episode years back and told Matt it felt like it was directed by Robert Duncan McNeil. Looked it up later to find out I was right.

Anyway, I absolutely adore Castiel’s intelligence and how he evades the Angels. One of the things we forget about Cas too often is that he is incredibly intelligent.

It’s something the Winchesters don’t really appreciate because it rarely helps them. But in this scenario, Castiel’s intellect is helping him evade the evil. At least, until they figure out what will make him stop—that big damn heart of his.

“How many times have you torn into my head and washed it clean?” “Frankly, too damn many. You’re the famous spanner in the works. Honestly, I think you came off the line with a crack in your chassis. You have never done what you were told, not completely. You don’t even die right, do you?”

Our Angel is the only one like him. No wonder he fell in love with one of Chuck’s favorite human siblings. Dean and Sam do things differently, which is why Chuck has so much fun with them.

And he has to keep bringing back the Angel because he thinks it’ll help keep Dean on the path he’s writing for him. But I like knowing Cas is our Cas just as Dean is our Dean.

In all the Universes, none are like them. And they found each other.

“In the words of a… good friend, Bite me.”

Holy shit this whole thing is a mood. I mean, the pause is killing me. The eyebrow raise is killing me. The emphasis on “good friend” is killing me.

Collins, you know I’d like to live, right!? Because, you are killing me, here.

I mean, the most famous gay eyebrow raises may be Michael Sheen as Aziraphale in Series 2 of Good Omens, but this might be second in line because gee wiz that was insane!

Also, Cas hid the thing inside himself!? Yo, I’m having a real Fifth Element moment, here.

Then, Castiel literally pulls a bullet from his stomach and uses it to kill a fellow Angel.

There are times we forget how badass Cas can be. Yes, he’s good for a side-eye with his lack of Pop Culture knowledge, but he’s also a warrior Angel who’s intelligent and cunning and resourceful.

Later, Dean’s driving. And he knows before he stops who he’s spied in the road.

S8E22 -

In the bunker, Cas tries to be conversational, but Dean is pissed. He’s more pissed than he was during the whole Godstiel thing.

Because as Dean’s feelings deepen, so does the impact of Cas letting him down.

“Dean, I can go with you. Dean, I’m sorry.”

Dean finally looks to Cas.

“For what?” “For everything.” “Everything. Like, uh, like ignoring us?” “Yes.” “Or like bolting off with the angel tablet and losing it ’cause you didn’t trust me? You didn’t trust me., Yes., Yeah. Nah that’s not gonna cut it. Not this time. So you can take your little apology and you can cram it up your ass.”

Oh, yeah, Dean is real mad. But he is also hurt. I mean, look at his face. His words are mean and tough, but he’s got tears in his eyes and there’s so much pain there.

After everything they have been through. After how hard he fought to save Cas in Purgatory. After all of that, Cas didn’t trust him. Damn.

“Dean, I thought I was doing the right thing.” “Yeah, you always do.”

The dramatic push-ins on this very personal conversation are interrupted by Sam clearing his throat. And, seriously, it feels like he’s in the middle of a couple’s spat and wants out.

“Dude, go easy on Cas, okay, he’s one of the good guys.” “Dude, if anybody else, I mean anybody pulled that kind of crap I would stab them in their neck on principle. Why should I give him a free pass?” “Because it’s Cas.”

First off, those are a lot of “Dudes” in one exchange. But, also, we’re still in a phase where Sam is more attached to friends, in general, than Dean, so he’s the one going to bat for Cas, here.

Meanwhile, Cas goes shopping for Dean because he wants to do something for him. He can’t fix it, so he’s going to try to do something in its stead.

Gosh, this is reminding me of my husband, again. I’m Dean—and it should probably terrify me that I have so much in common with the traumatized, abused, anger-management-issues-on-steroids guy, but here we are—and Matthew is Cas. He’ll always try to do something for me when he can’t fix whatever is wrong in my life.

S8E23 -

“Dean, I need your help.” “I’m a little busy, Cas. Take a number.” “I’m afraid this can’t wait. Naomi has taken Metatron.” “And you know Metatron how?” “I’ve been working with him on the Angel Trials.”

Okay, here’s the thing. Mad as Dean has been at Cas, Castiel levels with him here and brings him up to speed.

“I can’t fail, Dean, not on this one. I need your help.” “Look, Cas, that’s all well and good, but you’re asking me to leave Sam… Now if anyone needs a chaperone while doing the heavy lifting, it’s Sam.”

And that’s all you need to know. Sammy will always come first for Dean. But, at the same time, he doesn’t seem as angry now that Dean has laid it all out.

Before, he was angry at Cas for not coming to him, for not trusting him. Welp, you got what you asked for, Dean. He’s here, and he’s asking for your help.

“You really think it’s wise to be drinking on the job?”

I love how Dean wordlessly passes the beer to Cas. There’s a lot less tension here than earlier. I think Cas finally coming to Dean and asking for help got through.

“What show have you been watching? Talk to me.”

I love this coming back. He’s reaching for Cas and waiting for Cas to reach back. It’s tugging at the cord between them to get a response, and even if neither realizes it, it strengthens the bond each time the other demonstrates trust.

"Are you sure about this? I mean, it’s one thing me and Sammy slamming the gates to the pit, but you, you’re boarding up heaven. And you’re locking the door behind you.” “Yeah, I know.”

Cas sips the beer. It’s the motion that is so human, because we know the alcohol itself will have little impact on him, and probably doesn’t even taste the same to him as a human.

But, they’re falling into a rhythm that will later become quite familiar. It’s refreshing after the stress of most of the season.

And, to be clear, I’m not against conflict and antagonism and miscommunications. A show would be dead without it. Nothing would ever happen and we’d all just be watching sheep graze for hours on end.

But I think a lot of shows lose sight of the importance of taking a breath every now and again. Yes, we’re fighting for something and it’s brutal and it’s exhausting and it’s stressful.

But you have to stop to breathe every so often to remind us why we’re fighting and what we’re fighting for.

We’re fighting for those kids on the swing sets that Dean and Cas watched together at the park in Season 4. We’re fighting for families and friends. We’re fighting for nights out drinking with the besties and movie nights cuddling with your special someone.

That is what we’re fighting for.

“You did a lot of damage up there, man. You think they’re just gonna let that slide.” "Do you mean, do I think they’ll kill me? Yeah, they might.” “So, this is it. E.T. Goes home.”

It strikes me how different this is from their last “last night” together. They’re in a different place, now, and Dean’s done trying to get Cas laid. Instead, they’re sitting quietly together waiting for their next move.

Another thing that strikes me is how adoringly Dean looks to Cas on that last line, only to realize his reference is, once again, not understood. It’s a blink-and-you-miss-it thing that I very well may have hallucinated. But, it’s there.

Later, Naomi corners Cas and Dean. And if she hadn’t been such a fucking bitch all season, she might have gotten through to Cas. It strikes me how Cas goes to attack Naomi, and Dean grabs his arm.

We all know Cas is strong enough to shrug Dean’s hold off with ease. But, he lets Dean stop him. Because he does trust him.

But it’s not enough. Metatron wins in the end.

Survive all that and still want more? Part III for your enjoyment! Thanks for reading!!

[reinieseason]

here are my live reactions from episode 6

gen v notes frm e6

- it seems like cate's powers are not just getting people to do things, from the way that she, when pushed too hard, could hear jordan and marie's thoughts in their head without touching them. it seems like it extends to a general like mind control? cause she wasnt touching them either

- "didn't you learn cpr?!" "WHERE?!" "AT SUPERHERO SCHOOL????"

- cate learning that she can control blood inside of people's bodies. this will change everything i swear

- so they are preparing a virus to like control supes, can they control is she doesn't get sick or like a cure

- oh my god cate is more powerful then we thought, it can zap people into her memories. the blood dropping down her eyes but it looking like a tear gen v...

- ..... SOLDIER BOY BEING CATE'S IMAGINARY BOYFRIEND HELP???? WHAT THE FUCK

- I CAN'T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHH

- why is soldier boy in cate imagination so weird HHAHAHA

- sam and emma are so cute stop this "i missed you" "for real?" "for real-real" THEYRE SO SILLYYYYYY

- OH MYGOD THEYRE KISSING????? LETS GO BABIES MY BEBES BEBES SAM...

- "Show me how" CRAZY CRAZY I TELL YOU THIS SHOW IS SO CRAZY

- THEYRE SO CRAZY FOR THIS

- THE SONG IS CRAZY

- i love you cate i love you

- dean shetty getting closer to cate is crazy, manipulative bitch

- i love you cate, i get you, i understand you.

- oh okay the voices and the like hearing people are part of cate's powers the reason they exploded now is because she hasn't been able to take her meds

- the way andre looks at luke... bruh this show and grief, i can't do this.

- i'm so sorry like the way . the way . the scene with cate and luke this is so so so so sweet i cannot . i'm gonna cry in the middle of class

- "i miss you man" WHAT THE FUCK "i miss you too man, so fucking much" i can't fucking do this . whats with this "but you know what i don't believe you" WHAT THE FUCK

- WAIT DO THE PEOPLE IN CATE'S HEAD HAVE CONCIOUSNESS???? IS THAT WHY LUKE IS PISSED THAT HE AND CATE HAD SEX

- THEY CHEATED ON LUKE TOGETHER WHAT THE FUCK ..................

- MAN..... THIS SHOW IS SO COMPLICATED

- STOP THIS

- WAIT HOW COME THEIR POWERS DON'T WORK IN CATE'S MIND

- "This isn't Cate's memory... It's mine" JORDAN KNEW???? JORDAN KNEW???

- the relationship between brink and jordan i can't do this, i can't do this this show and grief

- "We could've stopped everything right here. Saved someone. Like we always wanted, but instead we're a fucking TA, saving our own ass." "I loved Brink. He was good. Or not. But he was good to us" "He was nice it us! He was nice to us! Is nice all it takes for us to let someone get royally fucked? You're a coward. And you always will be." I CAN'T DO THIS THIS SCENE IS SO CRAZY

- the way sam and emma are having sex while jordan, andre, marie, and cate are going through like the worstish experience of their life

- if like last episode was the time of marie and jordan then this episode is sam and emma's

- annabeth and marie stop "no matter how hard you try to be a hero, you'll always be a murderer to me"

- this is trauma dumping premium, today they're experiencing others traumas

- the way they're college kids at heart "you have sex hair" "... no we don't"

- "Now can you make it contagious" I KNOW THE END EPISODE IS GONNA BE ABOUT THEM FIGHTING OVER THE VIAL I JUST KNOW IT

[dotthings]

Long-ish post unpacking and revisiting Sam's S10 arc, Sam character studies, and about the S10 finale. (I'll talk in more depth about Dean and the MoC in another post, and have already made some posts about that).

The thing about S10 is that while Sam’s worry about Dean is sincere, and he’s right to be worried, while Sam keeps going on about “Dean’s getting worse,” he’s not seeing that he’s on a dark path of his own. And he doesn’t have a cursed mark on his arm, or demon blood, it’s all him, it’s all Sam. It’s an echo of S4 Sam—Sam’s fear, Sam’s desperation, and his need to prove he is strong, that he can save Dean the way Dean saved him.

Not that Sam doesn’t sincerely love Dean, but there is something very transactional about Sam’s view toward that relationship, and a strong need to prove himself, and the intensity of Sam’s quest for purity, to believe he’s good enough, and that he’s good, and his terror of losing Dean.

S10 is Sam’s attempt to balance, after the end of S8 and S9.

End of S8 Dean stopping Sam from closing the gates of hell and convincing Sam he’s worth saving, that his life has worth, he doesn’t have to sacrifice himself/S9 Dean making a deal to save Sam’s life/Sam’s wish to not have others harmed to save him/Dean violating Sam’s autonomy and saving him despite Sam telling Dean not to/Kevin dies/Dean getting the mark of cain/S10 Sam’s desperate tunnel visioned quest to remove the mark from Dean/Sam violating Dean’s autonomy and ignoring Dean’s express wishes to burn the BOTD/Charlie dies/MoC Dean goes off the rails/Dean not wanting anyone harmed to save him.

In case the point didn’t get clear enough, there’s a trial run foreshadowing in Paint it Black, where Dean tells Sam to burn the ghost nun’s journal, but Sam believes the clues to how to banish the ghost are in the journal, so he reads the journal instead of burning it, and discovers the nun’s blood is in the painting. In this instance, Sam made the right call.

But it’s a lot more complicated when it comes to the BOTD and Dean, who really, really doesn’t want anything terrible unleashed on the world to save him. Dean tells Sam to burn the BOTD. Sam instead swaps out the BOTD and saves the book from the fire, again going against Dean’s suggestion. 
Is Sam wrong to save Dean? No, but at the same time he really tramples hard past all of Dean’s wishes, which is the very thing that Sam was so furious at Dean about in S9, and Sam said some things to Dean he regrets later about it. (And it’s all Sam. No mark, no demon blood). And Sam’s choices wrt the BOTD lands at The Darkness unleashed on the world, which is a pretty major problem that could get a lot of people hurt.

Which is what Sam said he didn’t want in S9. Sam acknowledges (to Charlie) that he hurt Dean, in S9, so there’s signs of self-awareness.

But still, there is something very ruthless and even cold and heedless about Sam in S10. Sneaking around behind Dean’s back, trampling over Dean’s autonomy, chains up Rowena, makes a bargain to murder Crowley. In 10.21 Dark Dynasty, Sam “snaps”—much in the way Sam keeps saying MoC Dean is snapping, screaming and yelling at Rowena.

Charlie has deep misgivings about the plan, but she loves Dean, and Sam plays on her love for Dean in order to convince her on board his plan, and the same happens with Cas, who also has deep misgivings and gives warnings. But ultimately Cas and Charlie who love Dean very much, go along with Sam’s plan. “For Dean.”

And after all that, Sam stands at Charlie’s funeral pyre—over the body of the friend who just put it all on the line to save Dean, because Sam asked, and actually says “Dean, you’re all I’ve got”— Cas is still out there, doing his darndest to save Dean too.

Okay, Sam, buddy. Whatever you say.

People can’t expect to have this both ways. Sam and his ruthless veneer is fully in play, he is coming across as oblivious and cold about their extended family. Some people say they like it rough, Sam only cares about Dean and he’d burn the world…so they can’t complain when people critique Sam for being so ruthless and seemingly cold.

Mind you, it is a veneer. It is another one of Sam’s facades. Because deep down he has all the guilt and grief and feels very deeply and it scares him. It’s that he is better at shutting it off and repressing it behind a cold wall. While Dean’s facades are thin and flimsy and he bleeds feelings constantly even if he tries to put up a gruff front of it.

The irony that fandom somehow got the idea that Dean is the hard-nosed one and Sam is the soft, empathetic guy. I mean. Honestly. Watch the actual show!!!

It’s also a very deliberate irony, that Dean even with the mark on his arm, is more mindful, and warm, and caring, than Sam comes across, no mark, no demon blood, on his tunnel-visioned headlong path.

But this isn’t who Sam is underneath. Underneath he cares a great deal and about more than just Dean, he cares about the world, he cares about their family.

He’s not that good at facing himself and he wields facades effectively.

One of those facades is the soft empathetic nerdy guy because Sam believes that’s the way to be good. And again, that doesn’t mean Sam isn’t compassionate, or Sam doesn’t care about people, it’s that it sometimes seems performative, the same way this cold ruthless veneer is a veneer.

In his own way, Sam is also full of heart, but it’s more buried. Sam in fact is the stereotype of the hard facade that hides the big heart and the fear and vulnerability, a lot more than Dean ever is.

Dean, otoh, is openly devastated about Charlie, in ways that Sam is not evidently showing, and after MoC Dean says something extra harsh, he then tells Sam “this thing with Cas and the book ends now. Shut it down before somebody else gets hurt”—Dean’s obviously terrified Cas will be the next one chewed up and spit out by this dangerous plan.

Notice how Sam displaces and projects his own grief and guilt into chewing out Crowley, who he’s captured in order to carry out his bargain with Rowena to kill Crowley—while Sam’s not wrong about Crowley, per se, that rant sure does seem kinda randomly inserted. And there’s a reason for that. Sam needs a canvas to vent his feelings onto. So he rips into Crowley.

And this isn’t about Sam being wrong to try to save Dean, but there is a Sam character study going on and while he’s not wrong to try to save his brother, Sam’s methods are how they are and it is raising red flags.

At the end of S10, the mark is exerting its will over Dean so strongly it’s hard to tell what’s still authentically Dean and what is the mark not wanting to be taken off Dean’s arm, but Dean still authentically cares about not harming the world, which seems like Dean. But Dean also goes back on his speech to Sam at the end of S8 and that doesn’t sound quite right, so it’s also the mark is exerting its will, it doesn’t want to be removed. Dean’s being selfless, but he’s also deeper and deeper under the mark’s influence.

Is it right for Dean to have to bear the mark forever?

Is Sam wrong to save Dean?

Is Dean actually wrong to refuse to kill Sam and instead kill Death?

We’re supposed to ask these questions. This story is designed to invite questions.

And while it’s not about heroism, it’s about vulnerable humans in impossible circumstances, it’s also not about them being terrible uncaring selfish people, either. Neither of them are.

It’s interesting how spn deals with heroism and how offended people got at the time at any analysis that suggested that heroism wasn’t the point in this moment.

Even though Sam and Dean are often heroic and I would consider them heroes. But this is about something else.

It’s also important to factor in context. The impossible dilemmas and cosmic forces the plot smacks up against them with. There’s the powerful mark on Dean’s arm, the horrific choices being: sacrifice Dean, and kill Sam, or let The Darkness out into the world. A powerful witch with her own agenda is in play, along with the king of hell, Cain himself wanting to pass the mark on, Dean being in a desperate frame of mind where he was receptive, (so Cain found a willing mark), and Death himself really turning the screws by saying okay Dean I’ll send you to the moon but also your little brother has to die.

They are being squeezed and squeezed.

It also matters to remember that unreliable narrators exist. And what you want to take in this arc as authentic truths, and which is Sam rationalizing and lying to himself, and which is Sam speaking deep down truth, and which is authentically Dean and which is the mark exerting its will and twisting Dean’s lens on the situation, that’s fodder for even more discussion.

MoC Dean, who I think, at this point, is moving farther away from Dean being Dean, after Dean being strong and asserting his personhood over the mark all season, takes a rawly honest, but despairing view (and maybe that’s because it’s convenient for the mark’s agenda): “You know this world would be better without us in it” and “evil tracks us. And it nukes everything in our vicinity. Our family, our friends. It’s time we put a proper name to what we really are and we deal with it.”

Sam says to Dean “we are not evil. We are far from perfect but we are good. That thing on yhour arm is evil, but not you. Not me.” and “You’ll never ever hear me say that you—the real you—is anything but good.”

I don’t think they should have to sacrifice each other. But it’s missing the point to idealize them and not examine what’s going on here.

The S10 finale caps off an arc that invites questions and wrestling with the moral dilemmas and it’s also a big fuse blowout on a long-running arc about Sam and Dean that needed shaken out, in order to move the characters forward and let them grow and let the relationship evolve and grow. Things do change.

[chiisana-sukima]

also, your tag about the line in Bugs where John was stalking Sam - honestly, what an eye opener cause I was kind of neutral on the line, maybe if a little more positive towards it cause, aww, John cares. But framing it in the context of just how abnormal their entire family dynamic is does kind of make it chilling.

I think it highlights that within the framework of the show that what we consider normal and healthy cannot be translated 1:1 in the show. Of course there are things that even they are aware is unhealthy in terms of their relationship and we can judge the relationship from a standpoint of our own morality. But within the show, sometimes our morality is moot and has no bearing in a world where your brother was poisoned with demon blood and you watched your mother burn on the ceiling and you've died and come back to life how many times and you are both the vessels of archangels and God treats you as his personal play toys. Not to excuse anything or everything they've done, I actively participate in discussions about the power imbalance, manipulation and violence in the show but, ya know. Perspective is important as well. Okay, I'm done and will stop leaving rambling asks in your inbox! :)

Aw, it's fine; I love rambling asks!

R.e. the fuzziness of applying rl morality to the over the top circumstances in spn, I probably have a different perspective than most viewers. Trauma loves trauma, so coming from a pretty fucked up background myself, I went and got myself a series of jobs where I've had the dubious pleasure of seeing scads and scads of the most messed up, shitty things the world has to throw at people. So, to me, many of these situations where fans routinely say "well, this is nothing like rl so we can't possibly apply real world morality" seem very much like real life and honestly even pretty straightforward to me. (I was an EMT out of high school, became a nurse, went to law school, interned as a domestic violence advocate, and ultimately worked in neurosurgical nursing and then in acute and critical care for the rest of my career).

I find people's insistence that the demon blood detox isn't analogous to irl circumstances especially frustrating, in that 1) there's Word of God from Sera that real world analogy was exactly what she was going for, 2) Cas and Bobby both present alternative treatment options to Dean on screen, and 3) I've involuntarily detoxed soooo many people irl and it's... well, saying "it's not that hard" isn't true, because of course it's awful for the patient and none too pleasant for the caregiver either, but it's not esoteric. It doesnt take specialized lore. Most of detox treatment is what's called "supportive care", meaning "we can't fix the actual problem, so we just deal with complications, try to make the person comfortable, and wait". Lay people shouldn't do it, because they dont have a code cart if it goes wrong, but they certainly can and we all know they do. The idea that there are no resources in the world except guns and handcuffs is Kripke's. It's our choice whether we want to indulge that fantasy or not, and I don't.

Even the "being God's personal play toys", I mean, obviously that's not really true for anyone, but a lot of people have so many things go wrong in their lives that it might as well be true. I really do believe there are unfortunately plenty of people who never have much of a chance for a long, healthy life from straight out of the womb. And like, it's tragic, but given that it's reality, the next step is to say "well, if you can't save everyone, then how do you minimize harm and maximize happiness".

Which tbh is a big part of why I think it's a potentially rational decision on either of Sam or Dean's parts to want to stay together despite how fraught it sometimes is. There are definitely rl circumstances where people are damaged in ways where staying with another person who understands their damage is a compelling, and imo potentially valid, option even if it can also be harmful in other ways. I think acknowledging that we're not in a position to evaluate anyone else's choice to stay with someone who harms them is an important part of being both a care provider and a compassionate human being.

All that said, I also think it's important to call things by their real names, even though it makes fandom contentious sometimes. We're a fandom full of hurt people, and I'm not gonna lie, I find that complicated. I know perfectly well that a lot of these arguments are between people who have survived various kind of shit in their real lives, and it's not always clear whether it's better to let people believe what they need to in the moment, even when it's wrong (and sometimes pretty clearly bullshit too), or whether it's better to insist that life is hard and it's okay to love people who harm you without pretending that they don't.

[valleydean]

Chapter 14 [Read Here]

CHAMPION Part III of Heavyweight a deancas boxing au by valleydean (emmbrancsxx0) read from the beginning | playlist

SUMMARY: Brooklyn, 1933. Dean Winchester, the number one contender, trains to become the next Heavyweight Champion of the World, and this time he won't let anything get in his way. Title holder Castiel Novak has second thoughts about retiring, especially when someone from his past arrives in New York and asks for his help. Meanwhile, a new contender rises to fame and threatens to complicate both of Dean and Cas' ambitions - and their relationship.

CHAPTER PREVIEW:

“I’m going to get a drink,” he said. To everyone but Dean: “Would anyone like anything?”

Everyone shook their heads, and Charlie said, “No, thank you.”

Cas shot Dean another heated look before walking away. And no way was Dean letting him slip away that easily. He grabbed his whiskey and knocked back the rest of it in one go just to have an excuse to go to the bar. The burn of the liquor made his throat close up. It got stuck in his chest, right over his heart. His head swam.

“I’m gettin’ another one,” he announced.

“No, Dean, come on,” Sam tried.

Dean ignored him. “Anyone want?”

“Still no,” Jo said, but Dean was already walking away.

Sam tried calling Dean’s name again, only to throw up his hands in defeat.

Dean sidled up to the bar and pressed his shoulder against Cas’. Cas didn’t look at him, but his body locked up and his profile shifted, all pinched lips and jutting jaw. Dean waved one of the bartenders over and said, “Bourbon. Neat. Thanks.”

“What do you want, Dean?” Cas asked, his posture curled in and his elbows on top of the bar. He still wasn’t looking at Dean, but at least he was acknowledging him. Dean could work with that.

He turned toward Cas and leaned one arm against the bar. His chest brushed up against Cas’ elbow. “Another drink, for starters,” he answered smartly. “After that? You admitting you were wrong might hit the spot.”

Finally, Cas turned his glower toward him.

He looked good tonight. His hair was tamed of its loose curls with gel, and his blazer stretched across his broad shoulders. His stubble was darker than he usually wore it—and he knew that Dean loved it like that because the scratch felt delicious against his skin. Not to mention, it accentuated Cas’ jawline.

Dean licked his lips and dragged his teeth across the bottom one, mesmerized, forgetting himself. The sound of the music and chatter around them was a hollow, constant warbling that sounded alien to his inebriated mind. He could only focus on Cas.

“What would be the point?” Cas asked, knocking Dean back into reality.

Dean cleared his throat into his fist to right himself. He reminded himself he was mad at Cas. “Point would be to end this stupid fight.”

The point would be moving past all of this crap. It would be Dean coming back home.

Cas shook his head in a rueful, minuscule movement before looking forward again. “If the past has taught me anything, it’s that apologizing will have no effect on you whatsoever. No matter how much I mean it.”

Dean barked out a bitter laugh, because that was just bullshit. Dean didn’t even know what Cas was talking about, but it didn’t matter. It was probably just another excuse Cas had cooked up. “You could try.”

“No, Dean.” Cas turned bodily toward him, putting his face too close to Dean’s. And not close enough. “I could get on my knees and beg, and it wouldn’t make a difference.”

Now, that was an idea. Dean was very interested in seeing Cas in that particular position. It made some of his blood rush down to his dick.

“You saying you wanna get on your knees for me?” he taunted.

Cas opened his mouth—then slammed it shut, like he’d expected an argument and belatedly realized what Dean had insinuated. It was fun, watching him flounder like that. The anxiety Dean had been feeling a second ago turned into anticipation because, for the briefest flash, Cas looked like he was considering it.

But then he breathed out and dropped his shoulders dejectedly. “You’re trying to get a rise out of me.”

If Dean got him alone, he was pretty sure he could get something else to rise. Maybe Cas’ dick; maybe a welt on his handsome face.

“I’m not taking the bait like I did when we were younger. It’s asinine,” Cas told him. “We’re at our friend’s birthday, Dean. We can be civil, or you can stop talking to me.”

All the humor drained out of Dean, leaving hostility behind. And something else, too. Something circling the drain but refusing to go down.

Just be with me again, he wanted to say. Don’t you miss me half as much as I miss you?

He could practically feel the words pressing down on his tongue, but he didn’t want to say them. Because, as always, Cas was reticent in the face of Dean’s abject misery.

Dean resisted the urge to thumb at his ring.

“I bet you’d like it if I never talked to you again, huh?” Dean challenged, if only for Cas to tell him he was wrong. “That what you want?”

Before Cas could answer, the bartender returned with Dean’s whiskey and Cas’ Rob Roy.

Cas snatched up his drink and turned to Dean again. “It doesn’t matter what I want,” he growled through his teeth, and it looked like Dean had finally managed to get that rise out of him after all. “You made it abundantly clear that your wants are what’s important in this relationship.” He shoved past Dean, checking him with his shoulder. With finality, he added, “Excuse me.”

Dean sneered, drink clutched in his fist, as he watched Cas walk purposefully toward where Eileen and Jo were chatting at the table. Everyone else had dispersed. The whole way there, Cas didn’t look back once. Even now, he kept his sturdy back to Dean.

[scoobydoodean]

do you think dean only valued cas for his powers/usefulness? i know we see him enjoying his company but do you think he would if cas had never done anything for him? this isn’t deancrit more than simply pondering

Of course Dean values Cas for more than his powers/usefulness. Dean loves Cas. Cas is family and his best friend. If Dean only cared about Cas being useful, he wouldn't have kept Cas's coat in his car for a whole season (after Cas betrayed his trust and broke his brother's brain and everything). He wouldn't have refused to leave Purgatory with Benny before finding Cas. He would have banished Ishim to save his own skin in 12.10. He would not have argued with Sam about sending Lucifer into battle against Amara inside Cas. He wouldn't have sat pleading with Cas and calling him family as Cas was beating him to death. He wouldn't have plead with Chuck to bring back Cas and kill him and Sam (15.19). Cas couldn't have been his big win in early season 13 that turned him off the path of suicide if he only cared about him being useful. This compilation video is quite exhaustive and worth a watch.

I find your second, related question very perplexing. There’s an implicit premise in that question that I object to, and that premise is that if we were to remove Cas "doing things" "for" Dean over the course of season 4 such as:

Cas showing sympathy for Dean in 4.16 to the point of getting demoted (which very much did mean something to Dean).

Cas helping Dean leap out of the flow of causality in 4.18.

Cas in 4.20 (completely of his own accord because he knew it was wrong) reaching out to Dean through Dean's dreams and begging him to meet so Cas could tell Dean the angels were going to start the apocalypse only to get attacked by angels and dragged kicking and screaming back to heaven for reprogramming before he could rebel.

Cas rebelling and helping Dean try and stop Sam in 4.22.

What we'd be left with is a sort of "neutral" but still "good" Castiel, deserving of Dean's love and friendship, but potentially denied it because he failed to do what Dean wanted him to do in 4.18 and 4.22. In reality, if we remove Cas's acts of rebellion in season 4 (which are predicated upon Cas's doubts and convictions and desire to do the right thing—not him being some poor lovesick puppy) what we are left with is someone who uses Dean.

So let's not get it backwards: Dean and Cas's relationship starts with the angels only valuing Dean for his usefulness—not the other way around—and season 4 Castiel is Dean's handler. He shows up periodically to order Dean to do things for the angels (4.07, 4.09, 4.10, 4.16), take him places against his will (4.03, 4.16), tell him vaguely what his destiny is (4.02, 4.16, 4.18, 4.21), and get him to do things for heaven's purposes like prevent seals from being broken and interrogate demons for information. Cas holds the power between them every single time they are in a room together, and without the acts of rebellion that contrast his colder moments, all we are left with is someone who might get to tell Dean he has doubts in 4.07 and might get confronted by Anna over his complicity in the evil the angels are doing in 4.10, 4.16, and 4.22, but who never actually acts on his convictions and doubts because he is ultimately (at best) a coward who values the safety of orders over what he knows is right.

Without Cas's acts of rebellion, we don't get some poor neutral wet cat. We get someone who learns his superiors are going to carry out an apocalypse that will kill billions and does nothing. We get someone who threatens to throw Dean back into hell if he doesn't obey, threatens to harm Sam if Dean doesn't stop him from drinking demon blood (4.03), manipulates Dean into doing things Cas wants him to do (4.15), kidnaps Dean to force him to torture someone (4.16), and kidnaps Dean again to store him in a gilded cage while his brother unleashes the apocalypse... and then afterward, he'd be expected to help Zachariah force Dean to say "Yes" to Michael with manipulations, beatings, and threats to Dean and everyone he cares about. Expecting Dean to love that Cas (because why? Because Cas feels "bad" about treating him like a living doll?) is essentially a demand that Dean develop Stockholm Syndrome.

Season 4 Cas and Dean are not friends (Cas himself says this first, in 4.02). When Dean asks Cas to rebel in 4.18 and 4.22, he is not asking that of Cas as a friend who wants Cas to do him a favor. He is, as a human being—begging his angel handler who he knows has doubts to be a person instead of choosing to behave as a mindless robot whose only function is to unquestioningly carry out heaven's orders when he knows the orders are wrong (Anna does the same thing in 4.16 and 4.21!) In 4.22, Cas makes an assertion about his care for Dean. He says he's "sorry", but with every intention of continuing to hold Dean prisoner and carry out the apocalypse, and Dean punches him in the face for it because Cas isn't a friend at all and his "sorry" is empty if he's just going to continue being Dean's kidnapper (Anna rejected the same sort of false-ringing "sorry" from Cas in 4.10 when he was about to execute her).

One of the most perplexing beliefs in fandom about Cas that I tend to encounter is the idea that Cas rebelled against heaven entirely and purely "for" Dean. Most of fandom pushes this idea with no ill will because it's romantic, while smaller sectors of fandom push this narrative as way of claiming Cas gave Dean some kind of benevolent "gift" when he fell and Dean now owes him for eternity for Cas being so selfless and nice and loving, and Dean doesn't appreciate his sacrifices enough. Cas did not rebel as some "gift" to Dean. Cas chose to do the right thing.

Cas's entire season 4 arc is about him struggling with doubts about God's plan. He and Uriel keep getting orders they struggle to understand, and they both (in very different ways) end up realizing they can no longer obey without losing all sense of identity and violating all of their beliefs and convictions (4.07, 4.10, 4.16). Without Dean even knowing about it at first, Cas already rebelled against heaven in 4.20, after finding out the angels were going to start the apocalypse. He simply got caught and punished back into obedience. When Dean convinces Cas to rebel in 4.22, it is the second time Cas is overtly choosing to rebel against heaven and the apocalypse plan. The first time in 4.20 has nothing to do with Dean begging or pleading—he didn't even know. Dean convinces Cas to uphold his already existing convictions in 4.22. He pleads with Cas, saying, "You were going to help me once, weren't you, before they dragged you off to Bible camp. Help me now—please!"

What attracts Cas and Dean to one another over the course of season 4 is their mutual care for others—their love for people and their desire to do the right thing. Cas keeps showing Dean that, while he is struggling and conflicted, he loves humanity and he wants to do the right thing. He just isn't sure what that is (4.07, 4.16). Dean understands that and it attracts him to Cas. Dean's conviction and bravery in standing up to Cas's superiors to protect humanity, in turn, attracts Cas to Dean. A Dean who does not fight and claw for the sake of love is not someone Cas would have grown to care for in the way our Cas does, and a Cas who never rebels is not the man Dean grew to care for either. Maybe in a coffee shop AU, they meet and Dean likes that Cas is a bit of a dork. But in the actual canon of the show, removing Cas's conviction and desire to rebel does not make him a neutral character who just isn't "useful".

The love that develops between Dean and Cas's has nothing to do with what one "owes" the other or how "useful" they are to each other because their connection was never about that to begin with. It's about common values and common love for humanity. You cannot remove either ones convictions and rebelliousness in canon and have the same story and the same characters revolving around one another with the same mutual respect and mutual understanding. Dean loves Cas for his personality, and also for his rebellion. Not because Cas's rebellion makes Cas useful, but because it is a reflection of Cas's values, convictions, and character in the world they both live in, where they are both asked to make choices that go against their convictions by forces of evil and choose to fight and claw for what is right.

Of course there's a lot to Dean and Cas's friendship. A whole 12 seasons of content!!! There are moments where I think Cas starts to feel like he only exists to be useful to others, but there are also moments where Dean feels like Cas just wants to use him too, or like Cas doesn't give a shit about him and considers him a burden or disposable. There's a strange urge in fandom to frame Dean and Cas's friendship as one where only Cas is ever left feeling insecure or hurt, and that is wildly false.

[hoboal87]

Don't Speak, Part 22

Pairings: dark!Sam x Reader, dark!Dean x Claire

Characters: dark!Sam, dark!Dean, pregnant!Reader, Claire, Ellen, Bobby, Adam

Warnings: dark!Winchesters, Trauma Bonding/Stockholm Syndrome, Non-graphic descriptions of Non-Con/Rape, Violence, Manipulation, Guilt, Threats, Pregnancy

WC: 3400+

beta’d by the wonderful, lovely, @writethelifeyouwant

This is a dark!fic that includes potentially triggering content and is intended for mature audiences only. You are responsible for your own media consumption, so please, read the warnings and if you feel that you may be triggered and/or offended please move along. If you have any questions about the warnings/tags please feel free to DM me.

Don’t Speak Masterlist

My Full Masterlist

Part 21

The sight of Adam nearly causes you to faint. You have hoped, prayed, that somehow he managed to escape–that he wouldn’t also fall victim to the brothers–and your heart pounds in your chest as you take in the sight of him. Old and new cuts and bruises cover every visible inch of his body, his eyes are sunken in, his skin taut, and he looks as if hasn’t slept or eaten in weeks. A ratty shirt that had once fit him properly is now held together by mere threads and covered in dried blood stains. But the worst part is the metal collar locked around his neck, connecting to his wrists and ankles. Adam’s gaze fixes on you for a moment, the ghost of a smile on his lips fading quickly when Sam tugs sharply on the shackles.

You want to run to him, apologize for ever bringing him into your complicated relationship with the Winchesters. You should’ve disobeyed John, especially now that you know that it wasn’t Adam who fathered your baby after all, and you were already pregnant when the family left in January. If you’d only waited a few weeks longer to fulfill John’s instructions, you could’ve saved yourself and Adam from all the pain that you caused by following those orders. You stop yourself from moving, especially when you realize that Sam’s eyes are narrowed in on you, as if he’s waiting to see what you’re going to do now that Adam is here. 

“Check her,” Dean orders, gesturing towards Claire, baby Amelia still in his arms. Adam doesn’t move, his eyes flickering to Sam, as if he’s asking him for permission to follow Dean’s instruction. What has Sam done to him? “Now, Milligan.” 

Sam nods, loosening his grip before producing a key, he unlocks the chains and Adam shuffles towards Claire. Dean hands the baby over to you, stepping back to Sam, who offers a hand to shake his brother’s in congratulations.

You rock the baby in your arms as Adam inspects Claire, taking in her tiny features. Though you knew it wouldn’t matter who fathered Amelia, you can’t help but think of the relief that Claire will have knowing that her husband is Amelia’s father. She’s the spitting image of Dean, plump lips and a button nose and large almond shaped eyes, irises already tinged with green. As the brothers share hushed words between them, you walk back towards Claire, shushing Amelia as she begins to stir. Adam offers a sweet smile to Claire telling her that she did well before giving strict instructions to stay on bedrest for the next week. He then turns to you, reaching out to take the baby from your arms. Your skin prickles under his touch and you lock eyes, and again you fight the urge to tell him how sorry you are. 

He gives Amelia a quick once over, the newborn wailing in his arms, and he gently shushes her before handing her back to Claire. 

“Your wife and daughter are both perfectly healthy,” Adam says meekly as he approaches Dean and Sam. 

There’s a snide smile on Sam’s face as Dean takes in Adam’s words. At first you don’t understand what Sam is finding funny; recently he’d been just as obsessed with heirs as John was. John had mentioned more times than you can remember about the brothers’ needing heirs. Legitimate male heirs. Mr. Finch’s words from months echo in your ears as though it was just repeated in the quiet room. 

Tell me you want me to put a son in you. 

“I guess that means the Manor is mine,” Sam snickers, a poor attempt at a joke that Dean clearly doesn’t find funny, and the elder brother puts his fist through the wall behind him. You back away from the brothers as a remark from Dean sets Sam seething, and he tackles Dean to the ground. Grunting and the sounds of fists hitting flesh fill the room as the brothers tumble across the floor. 

With the Winchesters occupied, you seize the opportunity–albeit a foolish one–and grab Adam’s hand. You guide him towards the passageway that you and Dean entered from earlier in the night, stopping briefly at the bed to place a kiss on Claire’s forehead and promise you’ll get her out, too. You instruct her to call for Bobby or Ellen before disappearing into the passageway. With the door closed behind you, you make for your and Sam’s room hoping that, once you get there, you and Adam can escape.

You quickly realize that it may not have been the best idea to use the secret passage, though. From your and Sam’s room, it seemed to be a straight shot, but what you failed to notice before is that there are multiple connections, and you don’t know which one leads where.

“Which one, Y/N?” Adam pants behind you.

“I don’t– I’m not sure,” you sob, cradling your stomach. This isn’t a good idea, you could end up quite literally anywhere in the Manor. “Maybe we should go back, if they don’t know we’re gone–” 

“I think it’s too late for that, Kitten,” Adam grabs your hand. “And I– I can’t go back. Think, sweetheart.” 

Each hall looks nearly identical to the other. If you’d paid closer attention before, you wouldn’t now be stuck in a labyrinth behind the walls of Winchester Manor. You fall against the wall, cursing yourself for thinking that you could get yourself and Adam out of here.

“I’m sorry, Adam,” you mumble. “This is all my fault. I shouldn’t’ve– If I’d told them the truth, Dean would’ve never–”

Adam sits down beside you, wrapping his arm around you gingerly and pulling you close to him. “It’s okay, Y/N.” 

You let out a deep breath. The longer you sit here, the greater the chance that Sam or Dean would realize that you’re trying to escape and figure out how you were doing it. If Claire was able to alert Bobby to the fighting brothers, there was a good chance they wouldn’t be able to get to her just yet. 

As your eyes adjust to the barely lit corridor, you see something on the adjacent wall– an SW and DW etched into it, and you decide that hall must be the one they used to sneak into the other’s room. You struggle to stand and Adam catches on quickly, rising himself before offering you a hand to help you up. You guide him towards the walkway, excitement filling you as you reach the door to Sam’s room, knowing that you and Adam are close to freedom.

“Y’know, every time I think we’ve broken you, you somehow manage to get just enough of your fight back to do something so fucking stupid, Y/N.” A voice makes you turn and you see a pistol pointing at you and Adam. Your heart stops. Sam’s sporting what looks to be the beginning of a black eye and has a slight limp as he takes a few steps towards the two of you. “I thought we were past all this, Princess.”

“It was me,” Adam steps in front of you, “I made her do it.”

“Is this true, Y/N?” Sam asks, eyeing you sternly while fixing the pistol solely on Adam. You’re torn, afraid that Sam might kill Adam if you go along with the lie, but even more afraid of what Sam will do to you both if you tell the truth. 

Adam turns his head slightly so that you can meet his eyes, and he gives an almost imperceptible nod, encouraging you to play along.

“Yes,” you mumble, and as soon as the word leaves your mouth, Sam closes the distance between him and Adam and hits him too many times to count with the butt of the pistol until the doctor’s body falls to the floor with a thunk. Angry red marks cover Adam’s face and a stream of blood flows from his mouth and nose. Sam uses his shirt to wipe down the pistol, staining it red, before stomping on Adam’s hand and then his stomach. He turns away, smirking as he disappears out of the room.

Adam’s face is swelling within seconds, and you drop to your knees, hoping and praying that Sam hasn’t killed him. You place your hand under his nose, breathing out a sigh of relief when you feel a faint breath against your fingers. 

“He attacked Y/N, Bobby, I had to stop him,” Sam’s voice carries from the hall. 

When you look up, you see Sam and Bobby entering the room from the main doorway. You can’t remember the last time you’d seen him or Ellen. 

“We need to get him back downstairs,” Sam urges, sounding rattled. 

“Are you sure that’s what happened here, Sam? ‘Cause from where I’m standing, it looks like you beat the tar out of him for no reason,” Bobby retorts.

“He’s been obsessed with Y/N for months. He’s the one who attacked her and Claire last year! If Dean hadn’t found them…” You’re not sure why Sam’s ability for lying comes as a shock to you. “Y/N, sweetheart, he can’t hurt you,” Sam reaches out for you, and helps you up, wrapping his arm possessively around your shoulders. 

“Why do you think I’ve been keeping her close? I couldn’t risk something else happening to her. He’s delusional, Bobby. You want to know what he told Dean?” Sam doesn’t wait for a response, plowing on in his tirade. “He said that he was our brother– that he deserved everything we had. That if we didn’t allow him to continue caring for Y/N and Claire, that he would make sure everyone in town knew about Joanna. I love Joanna like a sister; we couldn’t let her reputation be tarnished because dad wouldn’t allow Dean to marry her. You know no matter how much he discouraged it, they were sweethearts. Dean only sent her away because he thought it was what dad wanted, but dad included her in his will, Bobby. He knew that it was Dean’s child. And she and Henry should be here with us. Tell Ellen to bring her here.”

Sam is speaking so quickly and erratically that you can barely keep up. You haven’t seen Joanna since John’s funeral, and all you were told when you asked about her absence previously was that she was ill. You’d caught her and Dean in compromising positions more than once. Is that why she’s been gone? To have her baby in secret so that no one would know that she was unmarried and pregnant? To save herself and Ellen the embarrassment of having an illegitimate child? You watch as Bobby takes in everything Sam has said. 

“I might not be an educated man, Sam, but I ain’t stupid.” Bobby narrows his eyes. “I’ve known you your whole life–I practically raised you–and you think I don’t know when you’re lyin’? Your daddy paid Adam to watch over the girls and help ensure safe deliveries. And you’ve been keeping him locked up for months. You think Ellen and me can’t see the bruises, that we don’t hear the screams? You think that little of us, boy? You think that you can use us to keep covering up your and Dean’s messes?”

“I think,” –Sam steps forward, the facade of a man scared for the life of his wife and child dropped now, his voice lowering dangerously– “if you don’t do as you’re told…” He leans forward and you can no longer make out his words. Bobby’s face drains of color, his eyes wide, and his whole body goes stiff as Sam pulls away. “Have I made myself clear, Robert?” Bobby nods his head. You’d never seen Sam interact this way with Bobby, and whatever he said clearly has Bobby afraid for his life. 

“But you are right about one thing; Y/N and Claire, they’ll need someone to look after them while Dean and I take our next case. Take him to the servants quarters and tend to his injuries. Once he’s healed, he is only allowed to see Y/N under your or Ellen’s supervision. Is that understood? And I wasn’t just carrying on about Joanna. Dean and I will expect her and Henry moved in by the time we return. Now, get him out of here and send someone to clean up this mess.”

Bobby only nods, moving towards Adam and picking him up off the floor. A pained groan leaves Adam, and for a brief moment his eyelids flutter. Sam locks the door behind them as Bobby exits, and you’re not sure what to expect from him next. He stalks towards you, tearing off his shirt. You make a decision that you’re sure you’ll regret, and try to grab the pistol, but Sam beats you to it.

“I know it wasn’t Adam’s idea to escape,” he growls, grabbing your arm roughly. “But the fact that you let him take the fall for it–that was surprising. How do you keep managing to surprise me, Y/N?” Sam’s hand snakes up your back before grabbing your loose hair and yanking your head back. “And going for this?” he waves the pistol in front of your face, “was even more unexpected. Maybe I need to teach you another lesson,” he grunts with a pull of your hair, causing you to whimper.

“Please, Sam, I promise I’ll be good.” 

Sam moves you both towards the bed, and when the backs of your knees hit the mattress, you fall backward. He lifts your nightdress over your belly and exposes your breasts, the gun tracing your silhouette, and for a moment you’re afraid he might try to fuck you with it, but instead he sets it down after a moment, just out of your reach, and pins your hands above your head. He enters you roughly, giving you no time to adjust, and sets a fast and brutal pace. Your focus falls to the window as you wait for him to finish.

August

Claire is given a clean bill of health by Dorothy a few days later, and with that the brothers are gone. A weight is lifted off your shoulders, and you feel like you can finally breathe for the first time in months. Under Sam’s orders, Joanna is back in the Manor within a week and is assigned to be the children’s wetnurse and nanny. You, Claire and Joanna are all moved into the rooms closest to the nursery which now houses both Amelia and Henry.  A third bassinet sits empty waiting for your baby to fill it. 

Several new servants were brought in by Dean before they’d left nearly a month prior and according to him they were there to protect you, Claire, Joanna, and the children. You aren’t sure who Dean thinks you need protecting from, especially when he and Sam were the only people in the Manor who had ever hurt you, but you have to admit knowing that Dean is concerned about the well-being of all of you is heartening. 

Benny, the guard assigned to you, is nice enough, and for the most part gives you a wide berth. He’s larger than Dean but not as tall as Sam, and you can see why Dean had hired him. He accompanies you on your daily walks through the grounds and escorts you everywhere else in the Manor. Though you insist that it isn’t necessary, he maintains that he was given explicit instructions to stay by your side. 

For the weeks following you fall into a routine; morning walks with Benny, afternoons spent with Claire as she heals and the babies, and evenings exploring the Manor, you’d been there for so long, but hadn’t truly been out of the East Wing. Each week, Bobby receives a letter from Dean and the time frame of their absence is extended another week. Once one case is finished, the brothers would start working another one, and a part of you wonders if they ever truly plan to return back to Kansas. 

True to Sam’s word, the one and only time you’ve seen Adam since the brothers’ departure is under Bobby’s watchful eye. There was so much you wanted to say to him: apologize for getting him involved, not only once, but twice. If you hadn’t made a stupid and feeble attempt at an escape, and hadn’t let him take the blame, you’d both be better off. He hardly says anything to you, speaking mostly in two or three word sentences, before declaring you to be in good health. You attempt to follow Bobby and Adam when they exit, but to your dismay, Benny stops you, instead taking you in the opposite direction. 

There’s a knowing look on Ellen’s face when she enters your room the next day, ordering Benny to help himself to lunch, while you and she tend to “wifely” things. Once Benny has disappeared, she asks you to follow her, guiding you to a secret door that you’ve never noticed before, and you curse yourself for not realizing sooner that the Manor had to be filled with multiple passageways, linking more than just bedrooms. 

Ellen briefly tells you how to recognize which passage leads where and how you can use the secret corridors to go between the different wings of the house, pointing to one in particular that, according to her, might be of interest to you, and another hall that, if you were so inclined, would lead you outdoors. You don’t miss the implication of the information that she’s given you, but you know you can’t leave. Sam and Dean still need you. After your last night together–before they’d gone away–you were woken up to loving touches and sweet words from your husband that reminded you why you’d ever fallen for him in the first place. Beneath the brutality and the bouts of mania, there is a kind and sweet Sam that you cherish. If you could give Sam and Dean the son they both so desperately want, maybe things could change.

You know you need to cast Adam out of your thoughts. You can’t be a loyal wife to Sam and Dean if you also have feelings for Adam– you need closure. You could tell him how the passages work, and maybe he could escape. With the brothers extending their trip so much, he could be far away by the time they return. It was the least you could do for him. 

You consider for days when might would be best to try to find Adam and help him escape. You’re sure Ellen was giving you a clue as to where he was being kept, but you won’t dare ask her for more clarification. According to Dean’s most recent letter, the brothers aren’t expected to return for at least another week. The sooner you helped Adam leave, the more time he could have getting out of Kansas City, the state, or even the country if he so desired. You doubt the brothers thought him important enough to chase all over the world; he’d fulfilled his deal with John, there was no reason for him to stay to just deliver your baby. 

As the week comes to a close, you know you have to make a decision, and soon. After dinner is served that night, you and Claire spend the rest of the evening in the nursery, chatting and playing with the babies, before Ellen orders you both out so that she and Joanna can put them to bed, leaving one oil lamp burning as a nightlight for the children, as one of the new guards takes his place outside the nursery door.

Benny escorts you the short distance to your room, offering you a “goodnight, cher” as you close the door behind you. You’re confident that Benny won’t disturb you for the rest of the night, so you make the decision that tonight is the night to free Adam. You grab your own oil lamp from the beside, quickly filling it with the reserve kept in your room to ensure you had enough light to see Adam outside. 

You creep through the hidden door in your room and make your way down the hall Ellen had said would be “of interest”, hoping that you didn’t misunderstand her tone, and you wouldn’t be walking into something much worse than finding Adam. You’re not sure how long you follow the grimey and dim corridor, you hoped that you could maybe get an idea of where exactly you were in the Manor, but with multiple ones branching off you realize you could be anywhere.

Part 23

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[just-a-bored-writer]

Between The Pages, I Found Your Heart | Crowley X Human Reader, Part 5

Gift for @orangegaytorade

You had devoted your studies, and honestly to this extent, your life, to the study of Judeo-Christian lore. You were one of the best in your field, a dedication of hours of work, blood and tears. And if your thesis advisor hadn't noticed, others had. Beings far older, far more powerful, whose existence you had studied but never believed were real. Oh but they were very real, and the King of Hell, in his war against Heaven and the Winchesters, would have great use for your knowledge. Knowledge was power after all and among mortals, you were the most powerful.

Fandom: Supernatural

Relationships: Crowley/Reader

Characters: Human Reader, Crowley, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester

Additional Tags: Reader-insert, Crowley-centric, Beauty and the Beast Retelling, Meet-Cute, (kidding Crowley kidnap the reader. there is nothing cute about it. don't try this in real life), Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Bickering as Flirting, Domestic Fluff, Late Night Conversations, Slow Burn, No Smut

Warnings: Canon-Typical Violence, Kidnapping, Mentions of Torture, Blood and Injuries, Blood Sharing

Set during Season 8 and 9.

Chapter 1 , Chapter 4, Chapter 6

Chapter 5: A Complicated Recipe Takes Time and Effort

After months locked up without seeing sunlight, you wondered how you hadn't died of a vitamin D deficiency. And you didn't pay much attention to your diet either, making quick meals so you could dedicate more time to your studies. You decided to play Crowley's game, hoping he would let you go if he got what he wanted. But at this point, your bad lifestyle habits would kill you before Crowley did, which would be a huge shame. Especially considering you had a new theory to share with him about the location of the Word of God.

Your relationship with Crowley had also changed lately, you had stopped trying to run away and hurt him in the process and he had stopped threatening you, which was doing wonders for your mental state. You still didn't like him, he had kidnapped you after all but you had stopped fearing him, stopped seeing his red eyes in your nightmares. The half-asleep conversation you had shared after you had raided his wine supply had helped greatly. You would have thought he would have hurt you for it, taken advantage of your vulnerable state but nothing of the sort. He had taken you back to your room, left an aspirin on your nightstand and made breakfast the next day.

Taking care of his investment, he had said. You didn't know how to feel about this new twist in your relationship but it was definitely preferable to being his prisoner. Obviously the best thing would be to not get kidnapped at all but you tried not to think about it too often. And you hated yourself for it but you couldn't stop regretting that Crowley had done it. But not for the right reasons. You regretted it because during the times when he wasn't being a massive asshole, you enjoyed his company. He was intelligent, brilliant even with a sharp mind, funny in a wicked way that you secretly adored and temptingly charming. 

And he had also traumatized you, threatened the people you cared about the most and the marks around your ankles had only just begun to fade. You couldn't forget that, you couldn't forgive that. So you hated him because it was easier than regretting him. And also because he made it easy by being a fucking psychopath who kidnapped you!

But your plotting  would have to wait, you were hungry and for once you were motivated to prepare a real meal for yourself. (And you didn’t want to spend another month chained like a dog.) 

You put the phone Crowley had given you – with parental controls to prevent you from communicating with the outside world, the jerk – on the counter, the recipe for a ratatouille provencale displayed and your favorite music playing in the background. There was internet connection everywhere in the house but you weren't surprised, it made sense that there would be wifi in hell. You placed the vegetables needed for your dish on the central island while you grabbed a cutting board from one of the highest shelves. You stood on your tiptoes and as you were about to grab it, an arm came into your field of vision and grabbed the cutting board for you. 

You held your breath, unable to ignore Crowley's sulfuric presence behind you, barely inches away. It radiated cold, making you shiver. “I could have caught it by myself,” you snapped.

“I know,” Crowley replied without moving.

You pushed Crowley out of the way and headed towards the central island, placing your hand on his chest and pushing firmly. Crowley followed you, settling into a high chair with a glass of wine in his hand. You ignored him and cut the vegetables starting with the eggplants, the knife cutting easily through the flesh in one smooth motion.

"I'm surprised you let me use knives," you said when you saw that Crowley had no intention of leaving. "Aren't you afraid I'll stab you?"

“I'd love to see you try,” Crowley smirked.

“If it's so that you lock me in the dungeons afterwards, no thanks,” you retorted. “You've traumatized me enough as it is.”

If your back wasn't turned, you could have seen the briefest of regrets in Crowley's eyes before he answered, charmingly. “I might do an expectation just for you, darling.”

“I feel truly special,”you assured him dryly, moving on to cutting tomatoes.

You placed a tomato on the cutting board but your knife slipped off the rounded edge and you nearly cut your finger. You brought your finger to your mouth, licking the tomato juice off it. But before you could resume your task, Crowley snatched the knife from your hands. 

“Hey,” you protested. “I thought I was allowed to have a knife?”

“Not if you're going to butcher the tomato and your finger in the process.” Crowley mocked. “Now watch and learn.”

Crowley snapped his fingers and you found yourself sitting in his place, your favorite glass of wine in your hand. Deciding to enjoy the moment, you relaxed in your chair, watching Crowley work. 

“So what did you do today?” you asked, curious. “What does the King of Hell even do? Terrorize the general population, inventory his suits?”

“Don't be stupid, I have minions to inventory my suits. They must be of some use considering how useless some of them are,” Crowley said. 

“I thought you had the greatest souls at your service,” you teased lightly. 

“Who do you think makes deals with demons? Smart people or stupid people?” Crowley asked rhetorically. 

“Desperate one,” you answered nonetheless, with just a hint of disgust in your voice.

The thought of taking advantage of someone's most vulnerable moment made you want to throw up, giving them hope only to take it all away ten years later. As if the souls of truly evil humans weren't enough.

“I can sense your judgment from here,” Crowley remarked. “Nobody forces them to make pacts.”

“No, but you don't mind either, do you?” you retorted, the fire you had forced down over the last months coming back at full force. 

“I won't lie to you and say no,” answered Crowley, shrugging. 

“You are truly despicable,” you spat. 

“It's part of my charm,” Crowley winked at you.

You scowled, biting the retort on your tongue and took a long sip of wine. It's not like you could change Crowley's mind no matter how much you wanted to. Crowley seemed almost disappointed at your lack of fight but you ignored him. He had already finished chopping the tomatoes but it seemed he was determined to finish the entire ratatouille. It didn't bother you in the least and you noticed with amazement that you trusted him not to poison your food. 

“Where did you learn to cook like that?” you asked curiously, watching Crowley perfectly wield the knife in his hands. If you were in his peace, with a plethora of star chefs at your disposal, you weren't sure you would have bothered to learn.

“I had some time to kill,” Crowley replied nonchalantly.

“And instead of torturing innocent people, you learned how to make ratatouille?” you asked with an eyebrow raised. 

“You understood perfectly, my dear,” Crowley answered. 

You knew what you were doing, you were buying time. You avoided telling Crowley that you had a lead on the location of the Word of God. Why? You didn't know. But you were strangely hesitant to ruin the somewhat peaceful moment you had found with Crowley. You liked discussing with him. But you weren't there to make friends with Crowley. You put your glass on the table, finally deciding to tell him.

“I have made progress in locating the Word of God.”

Crowley stopped his movement, the cut vegetables he was transferring to the pan spilling onto the counter. 

“Legend has it that these caves were created by Lucifer before his fall. It was one of the last places he visited and they are said to be untraceable. It could be a good place to hide the Word of God.” Now that you had started, you didn't want to stop until you had completely finished your explanations. “I also found this text about a demon named Azazel, one of Lucifer's favorites. The text was virtually untranslatable but it says that Azazel was an angel before he chose Lucifer's side and was banished to Hell. If anyone knows the location of these caves, it's him.”

“Or the one he considered his daughter,” Crowley muttered, typing on his phone.

But just as you expected Crowley to leave immediately to investigate this new lead and leave you alone, he put down his phone and picked up the cutting board covered in vegetables of all colors. You stood there silently for a moment, completely shocked.

“You're not going to go after Azazel's daughter or something? I thought you had plans for world domination,” you asked bewildered.

"I know exactly where that traitor is," Crowley replied without looking up from his task. "And I think I was in the middle of making you dinner."

Welp, it's starting. Crowley has clearly taken a liking to Reader, delaying his plans for world domination in favor of cooking them dinner and all that. I love this chapter, I love the friendly bickering between Reader and Crowley. So I hope you enjoy it too.

It's super interesting to write from Reader's point of view, there's a lot they don't know about Crowley, things Crowley doesn't tell them or half-tells them and I can't wait for the moment when they can both be honest with each other. And it might happen sooner than you think.