#this really bothered me and i finally rmb to write about it

[mofffun]

rita scream scene from the movie: trailer #2 vs. final product. it was horrifying to see rita haunted by ghosts and look how many there were!

[alycosworld]

hello<3 “🧸” here:D anyways i see the lack of childe fluff (i scrolled to the end of his hashtag(❍ᴥ❍ʋ) ) so like request below as usual^^

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purple-ppl

pink-genre

blue-content

yellow-type of fic

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so i think uk alr but a childe x NB!/GN! reader where reader overthinks alot(´；ω；｀) i tend to overthink everything someone does or like overthink if someone whispers smt to someone else after looking at me idk man I’m just paranoid so maybe that would be nice:3 fluff comfort as usual because i cant take angst:( u can do whatever type of fic u want;)

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i hope u will be able to take this request but if u cant its fine just ignore this! rmb to get rest and drink water:)<3 only do this fic if u want.

i actually have a exam tmr and i shld be asleep LOL but its fine just wanted to relax abit before i freak out tmr(￣▽￣)

Childe with an S/O who Overthinks

Childe X Reader

A/N: sorry I've been off a lil bit! it may not seem like long to some of you, but it was a nice while for me :)) thank you for being patient! I'm still not perfect but I'm good enough <3

I feel like at this point, my head canons are way more funny and informal so they’re a little easier to write but DON’T STOP SENDING IN NORMAL FIC REQUESTS I still do those and I still love those <3

(also, hope your exam went okay 🧸!! and even if it didn't, I'm proud of you for even trying!)

mans is worried as hell

you kinda zoned out while he was taking about some interaction between him, scaramouche and signora she's alive in my heart and normally he wouldn't be worried, just playfully offended, but you looked really troubled an we're fidgeting an awful lot

he would see your agitated state and immediately go teddy bear "im here for u" mode.

he would ask you "why u acting sus?" "Is everything okay, (Y/N)? You look worried about something. Anything I can do to help?"

you immediately looked up at him and tried to say you were fine, but he wouldn't let it go until you were really okay, so you caved.

earlier that day, some ladies were laughing loudly, and when you looked to see what at, you noticed how they glanced at you. you then saw a father look at you and smile admittedly a little eerily before dragging his son in the opposite direction.

to most people, this interaction would be a semi-strange but honestly not that out of the ordinary.

I mean, those ladies could’ve been laughing at a billion other things. And that father could've been smiling politely and just had to rush away for an appointment.

but it was bothering you. you hadn't done anything wrong, had you? nothing worth judgement or any of those reactions at least.

when you told childe, he engulfed you like a fucking white blood cell man. he just 🥺🤗

"There’s no need to get worked up over it, they could be talking about anything!” Childe assured you. He repeated that sentence a million different ways before you finally began to get over it.

sometimes, your overthinking was a real blessing - the ability to analyse a situation in more depth than most people.

but sometimes it can hurt you if you take things the wrong as - which is perfectly fine!!

Childe knows you, and he knows just how to calm you down and make sure you’re feeling good again!

fatui malewife activity ensues and you get all the hugs and kisses you want

please don’t overthink if it’s mentally damaging or draining! of course, some people can’t help it, but if you can try, just say “fuck y’all” and don’t give a shit what people think - ya boi Childe sure doesn’t!

[petalsofelrondir]

La Douleur Exquise Chapter 6, One-sided!Thrandolas

I am back, 3 years later, with my continuation of LDE. Don’t you want to laugh bc it’s been 3 years omg. I can’t even rmb how i post these chapter updates on here anymore. Many things have happened in three years time but i’ll always be thankful that my writing will always bring me to that happy place where nothing bad is associated with it. I’ll make my rambling here short bc i have what i wanted to say written out in the notes of the chapter, but i hope you guys enjoy this new chapter!

La Douleur Exquise Chapter 6 on AO3

also under the cut

“You’re sure you want to do this?” Aragorn asks as they pull up outside the restaurant, Legolas nods. It was now or never. He would meet this man and his family and do some evaluation, then he would decide if he could win back his father or not, if it would be <i>possible</i>.

Of course, the ever present question of ‘what was the point?’ was always at the back of his mind. Because truly, what was the point of trying anymore when his father so clearly keeps his distance, even go so far as to hide a relationship from him. He wouldn’t condemn his father for having a new lover, his mother had died long ago, things change, he understood.

He suppose he’s too old to want his father’s attention anymore, the time for nightly cuddles and sweet mornings have long passed and if he wanted those he could get them from Glorfindel now, so there was really no point.

But then he would remember that day, when his father had put a hand to his forehead and told him to call him if he were sick, it gives him renewed hope that maybe he cared. But did he? When he so easily put him aside for the little girl who had called him ‘ada’ –legolas still hasn’t gotten over that yet- and what more, for something he had never done for legolas when he was small. It was hard for legolas to believe so.

Legolas’ face is cool and unshakable when he meets the Bowmans, he figures he would crumble later but for now he would stand tall in the face of an opponent. Aragorn smiles tightly, and the only reason he doesn’t throw in a punch with the handshake he gives Legolas’ father is because he promised Legolas he wouldn’t.

Bard is puzzled when he sees Aragorn, he’s quite sure he was the one who had glared at him last Sunday. “Have I seen you before?” he asks, his daughter agrees that she’s seen him before.

“I don’t think so. I surely don’t remember if we ever did.” Is the reply Bard gets, and he’s still confused, but he doesn’t ask of it further. Instead, he gets a good look at Legolas, who is so much like his father. His hair is as pale and long, eyes as blue and body as lithe and graceful as his father’s, he feels like he exists in a different world from theirs.

He tries his best not to think that way because Thranduil has told him not to on many occasions when he needed help and money was tight, or when Thranduil brings him out to dinner at a fancy posh restaurant, and also when he met some of Thranduil’s other friends, he definitely felt the difference in class then.

When he looks at Aragorn though he feels better because the teenager looks as rugged as he did, and less like the clean brightness of the blonde father and son. He then suddenly feels very odd because Thranduil had told him about his son’s friend, and also about how he thinks they’re more than friends. It would surely be a coincidence, the pair of them looks like a younger version of him and Thranduil, he supposes it may merely be because Legolas has the same tastes as his father, he seems to like a lot of things his father likes, as far as he knew.

They sit down and order their food, chatting a bit stiffly, in Bard’s point of view, he gets a feeling that Legolas doesn’t like them much. He suppose he could understand, he was afraid of his children not liking Thranduil too, but they turned out fine, he wonders what Thranduil will do about Legolas’ case.

Thranduil wonders what’s wrong with Legolas, he isn’t his usual enthusiastic self, if anything he looks solemn. Maybe he’s nervous about introducing Aragorn, but Thranduil has shown no dislike to the rugged teen, he had been nothing but courteous to the young man. And then he thinks maybe it’s time to talk to his son about he and Bard’s relationship, maybe it will ease his mind.

He listens as his son talks to his lover in clipped tones and smiles that don’t reach his eyes, he’s seen enough to recognise hostility. He had hopes that they would get along, he loves both of them, he wouldn’t want either of them to be unhappy. He adds into their conversation, hoping to smooth the way, but it doesn’t seem to work.

Legolas doesn’t see what’s so good about this man, he’s unkempt, ungraceful, his kids are making a mess of their food, he’s even feeding them! For Valar’s sake how unreliable is this man that his kids can’t even eat by themselves? How could his father possibly lo- have feelings for this-this- <i>disgrace</i> of a man? 

He took a few deep breaths and a few bites of his food, he knew he was being biased in his judgement, after all one of his best friend –currently sat beside him- was as unkempt and ungraceful but he still loved him anyways. But so what? These were his feelings, he could do whatever he wanted with them!

Aragorn feels the thick atmosphere around them like a heavy blanket on a hot day, he doesn’t care to diffuse it because he doesn’t want Legolas to like this man and further blame himself for being ‘unlovable’, a man or two could be sacrificed for the sake of his friend’s self-esteem. He wants Legolas to hate him and by extension slowly hate his father too.

Anyone else might think he was cruel for thinking so, but he’s tried to be nice about Legolas and his father’s relationship and look how that turned out. Thranduil had been the same as he always was and Legolas had fallen deeper into his pit of despair, he wanted to sigh out his entire being just thinking about it. And so if helping Legolas to try and reconcile with his father didn’t work, he would help Legolas forget him instead.

He hears Legolas try to calm himself and his fingers are white from gripping his drink too hard, Aragorn decides it’s time to give him a breather before he has a brain aneurysm. He excuses the both of them to head to the bathroom.

Insults at Bard fly out of Legolas’ mouth the second the bathroom door is closed, Aragorn calmly listens to them and nods along, knowing his friend needed this release.

“And worst of all, do you see the way he feeds his children? They’re not little babies anymore, they can feed themselves! What kind of incompetent man allows his children to make such messes of themselves, and he even cleans them up for them! Do they not have arms and legs?” Legolas gestures wildly everywhere while he rants, Aragorn tries to make sure he doesn’t injure himself.

For Aragorn, the things Legolas is ranting about were purely little things here and there that had unfortunately managed to catch Legolas’ eyes and were avidly being talked about. As for the last thing he said, Aragorn sighed, it was a serious problem probably stemming back to Legolas lonely childhood.

He didn’t tell Legolas though, he didn’t tell him that it was normal for parents to care for their children that way, messes were what children made and coddling was what parents did. And of course he knew why Legolas was ranting about such inconsequential things, why it bothered him so much that a parent was just doing his job and taking care of his kids.

It was because Legolas was jealous.

He was jealous that his messes weren’t cleaned up by his father, jealous that his father never tolerated disobedience, that he couldn’t play with his food and have his father play along with him.

And he was also angry, angry that his father had abandoned him to a nanny at such a young age, that he was forced to learn to take care of himself faster than others, that he had not a happy childhood that he was seeing Bard give his children while his own father sits beside and smiles as if he approves of all the things he had never done for his own child.

Legolas had so much emotion inside him he did not know what to do but to hate and rant. But alas the hate was not directed at the person it was supposed to be at, instead he had pulled in an innocent man who loved his children and openly showed that affection, he had directed all his rage and jealousy at this great example of a father, simply because his father was not one.

All Aragorn would do was pat him on the back and comfort him, he would let that anger stew and hopefully finally be angled at Thranduil sooner or later. “Do you want to leave?” Aragorn asked, just in case his friend really couldn’t take it anymore.

Legolas shook his head, “I won’t let that man win.” He says with venom in his voice. Aragorn sighs, he had a long way to go to achieve his intended goal, for now he calmed his friend enough to continue their dinner.

Legolas knows that he’s contradicting himself, making things between him and Bard a competition when earlier on he told himself he would be okay with his father having a new lover. And truthfully Legolas thinks it’s partly true, the only thing out of this whole disaster that irks him was the way Bard treats his children. He hated that he and those bardlings were on the same boat, both without mothers and only a father to look after them, but yet, they were loved more, cared for more, had more attention from their father than he ever had with his own. And now they even had attention from <i>his</i> father when he himself has nothing but scraps that Thranduil might deign to throw out to him. He’s devastated and angry and the only way he could think of right now to set things right were to separate his father and Bard, so he no longer had to look at the way his own father looks at his lover’s children and cares for them more than he ever has his own.

When Legolas and his friend returns, Thranduil notices that his son looks less wound up but still tense, and his friend has a comforting hand behind Legolas’ back. Maybe this was too soon, maybe Legolas wasn’t ready to accept a new family. He would need to sit down and have a talk with Legolas about this soon.

Legolas makes it through the dinner with gritted teeth and false smiles that hurt his cheeks. Bard’s children are too chummy to Thranduil, even Legolas isn’t that close to his father and Thranduil is <i>his</i> father, it wasn’t fair. He does rejoice in the uncomfortable look on Bard’s face throughout the dinner, the only small reprise he gets from having the precious time with his father hogged by some outsiders.

When Thranduil bids his farewell to Legolas and Aragorn, Legolas pauses and asks, “You’re not coming home?” Legolas had come with Aragorn in the latter’s car, he was expecting to follow in his father’s car back home.

Bard and Thranduil were the only ones left standing with Legolas and Aragorn, Sigrid had taken Bard’s car and was already backing out of the parking and leaving with her siblings. It was obvious to Aragorn that Bard and Thranduil were off to spend time together, and he knew it was quite obvious to his friend too.

Bard looked at Legolas and for a moment he saw such intense longing in the boy’s eyes that he was taken aback, Legolas’ gaze was directed at Thranduil and he looked as if he was begging his father to come home with him. Bard was taken aback and frozen on the spot, his brain wasn’t processing things fast enough. Aragorn sighs and not so subtly rolls his eyes, which hadn’t gone unnoticed by Bard who isn’t coming to a revelation but he’s collecting the pieces which he will examine when he goes home and has time for his brain to slowly understand.  

Aragorn is just waiting for Thranduil to make some stupid excuse up and leave, then Legolas will come home with him with sad disappointing eyes, which will turn into anger the moment he closes his room door and Legolas will explode into rants. Aragorn will then comfort him and reassures him that he’s loved, that he is enough, and adds on that one day he will find himself in a healthy environment, no longer wishing for the father that neglects him as if he were an outdated toy, and he will have all the love he ever deserved and more. It was pretty much routine for Aragorn now.

“Sorry Legolas, I was thinking of spending some more time with Bard. You go on home with Aragorn, I’m sure you’d want to spend more time with him too.” Thranduil smiles at the two of them, trying his best to convey to his son that he was absolutely fine to the idea of them being together. He doesn’t see the look in Legolas’ eyes that Bard does, nor does he hear Aragorn’s sigh that Bard does.

Legolas nods stiffly and bids his father farewell, watching as his father turns to leave. His eyes meets Bard’s, and for a moment he thought he sees something flicker through them, something he couldn’t decipher, but then he remembers he hates the man and he glares back. Bard merely smiles politely to them and bids them goodnight.

Aragorn brings Legolas back to his house and they bring out the alcohol and snacks, he settles himself down for a night of ranting, and this time, he’s ready to poke holes whenever Legolas wants to defend his own father because honestly, enough was enough.

[willidleaway]

Just a really quick post to whine about how the post-Yosemite Mac OS Disk Utility GUI is a hot mess. I recently got a 4 TB external HDD to use as a Time Machine disk and to dump all my Sims 3 save files onto. Of course, it’s a external HDD with no specific operating systems named, which somehow means it’s pre-formatted as NTFS—and to be fair the packaging specifically reminds me that it should be reformatted for use on Mac. But, I mean, this shouldn’t be a problem on something as elegant as Apple software, right?

... right?

From Disk Utility on the 12-inch rMB, I tried to erase the 4 TB NTFS partition in favour of a HFS+ partition. Disk Utility threw an error and left the whole thing in limbo.

I created a new GPT through my Linux workstation, but for some reason I can’t actually format a partition as HFS+ in gparted. So I create one 1.42 TiB FAT32 partition, and off it goes back to the rMB.

I can’t figure out how to add a new partition in Disk Utility to fill the free space, but I figure I’ll take care of that after I reformat the existing partition to be HFS+. I ask for the change, and ... no dice. Error thrown, nothing changed.

The solution ends up being to go back to my old Mac and use the Disk Utility on that. My old rMBP is still deliberately on OS X.9, and it finally paid off because the old Disk Utility is perfectly able to erase the existing partition (although it misbehaved a bit there and didn’t tell me when it’d actually finished) and create two HFS+ partitions on the disk [*].

So all’s well that ends well, but all’s not really well if it requires intervention from an older version of Disk Utility to end well. I’m sure I could have used the command line diskutil to do it from the new rMB, but that’s more bother than I can tolerate at the moment.

Coming to Sierra and High Sierra straight from Mavericks, it’s astonishing how non-functional the new Disk Utility is. It’s at the point where part of me wants to believe it’s some kind of conspiracy to sell more of those ‘For Mac’ external drives, which would at least make Apple look crafty in my eyes ... rather than simple gross incompetence in a major overhaul of a crucial system utility, which just makes Apple look ridiculous.

On the bright side, Siri on Mac is actually a surprisingly nice addition that I do get some mileage out of, so the post-X Mac OS isn’t all bad.

[* I hear literally nobody ask ‘why two?’ but I’ll answer that anyway: The first partition is an encrypted, journalled filesystem that only my Mac needs to be able to access, and the second is neither encrypted nor journalled so that my Linux workstation can actually have read/write access to it.]

[elle-stevens]

It’s been 12 days since I last blogged about X and life in general.

I think I may be moving beyond this blog finally.

That doesn’t mean I’m over X though.

Granted, it’s getting close to six months since I told her to beat it and take the scenic route.

I still think about her sometimes, and often on a gangrenous loop.

I’m at the airport now and of course that makes me think of trips I took in the past to be with X to make our long distance relationship a little less, well...distant.

It was always me going the extra mile for our relationship. I was the one who was willing to risk everything, including my relationship with my family, for X.

And it was all complete bupkis.

I guess I’m still kind of bitter towards X despite my best intentions.

I hope my feelings will become less conflicted where she’s concerned.

It hasn’t been all bad though.

Well...it’s been pretty bad for the world in general with this lovely coronavirus outbreak.

It has not been fun being trapped in my apartment and going outside in a face mask and gloves when it was absolutely necessary.

Or going outside to stop myself from getting cabin ever.

Yeah, that happened a lot.

I’m not good at being alone with my thoughts indefinitely.

That’s probably what exacerbated my already ambivalent feelings towards X.

Such fun times.

It’s been so fun that my work visa processes got delayed before they even started. And all because every educational insituation in China has pretty much shut down indefinitely because of the coronavirus outbreak. Which means I don’t yet have a new job waiting for me.

And I just extended the lease on my apartment in China, which I did in good faith.

So I kinda need to have some revenue coming in if I’m going to pay rent next month...

Hence why I’m at the airport. I’m finally going home to see my family. There’s no way in hell I’m staying in China right now when my life is literally in danger.

In hindsight, I should’ve just given China and everyone who gave me bad advice about my visa process a big old ‘fuck you - later, bitches!’ a month ago and just gone home like I planned.

Instead, I spent close to 15,000 RMB on booking flights and then changing them multiple times to accommodate everyone else.

From now on, I’m not going to bother planning ahead with anything anymore.

It’s like that old maxim: ‘Life happens when you’re busy making other plans.’

I’m trying not to stress about the fact that my Chinese work visa will run out next month. All I can do is hope and pray that God points me in the right direction and that I actually listen to his guidance.

I have to believe that everything will work out the way it’s meant to. And if I end up coming back home this year instead of next year, so be it.

I’m kind of resolved either way: whether I stay in China another year or go back home.

That is kind of the beauty of X breaking my heart six months ago.

She’s stopped me from getting too attached to things and people. So it makes it easier to cut the cords when it’s time for me to leave and walk on a different path.

For now, I’m really excited to go home and see my family with an extra week under my belt. It’ll be nice to get my pay cheque tomorrow, so I’ll at least have a little cash during my vacation.

I’ve been writing up a storm lately and it’s all thanks to Ariana Grande. I finished my Cat and Robbie story and even wrote a tiny little Cat and Tori drabble on Friday night.

I’m getting used to this unexpected celebrity infatuation.

It’s easier than having real feelings for someone.

I know it’s not love.

And yet, I love the idea of falling more in love with my own fantasy of Ariana/Cat and me.

It feeds my creative hunger and it keeps me bouyant during the long and uncertain days that reality is offering me lately

I know the fantasy can’t last forever.

Eventually, I’ll run out of steam and go back to fantasizing about Ariana from a safer and saner distance.

She’ll probably get replaced by someone else who’s just as alluring, if not more.

I’m trying not to think too hard about it.

We all cope in different ways with heartache and loneliness.

If it keeps me occupied and writing more than I’ve written in a year, then Ariana can drive me a little crazier with every minute that goes by.

Just 4 more hours before I get on my final flight to go home. I brought a hard copy of ‘Big Little Lies’, my sleeping mask and my sleep supplements with so I can get some decent rest on the plane.

I started watching the new ‘Charlie’s Angels’ movie on my earlier flight. I’m starting to think that I like Naomi Scott too - she a damn snacc...

I hope my friends who are still in my city will be ok and safe in the coming weeks.

It might be hard for me to come back to China in a few weeks because of the coronavirus. But I’m gonna take it one day at a time and enjoy my time with my family.

I’ve missed them so much, especially my siblings, ever since I broke up with X.

One of my cousins is getting married and another cousin is 7 months pregnant. So I’ve got to do some shopping for them while I’m home.

I’ve been out of the loop with so much stuff lately. It’s time to reconnect with the people I love again.

Weirdly enough, a small part of me hopes that X will be ok and safe during this coronavirus hysteria.

Then again, her dumb ass has been known to swim in dirty ocean water and give herself weird rashes, so there’s probably not much hope there.

Suddenly, I don’t feel so bad about crushing out on a sexy dumbass like Cat Valentine...

The worst thing that happened to her was getting a butterfly stuck in her ear in an episode of Victorious.

Seriously, how did that happen to Cat???

I guess the butterfly likes her ears more than I do, lol.

Maybe that’s just my type: pretty but dumb.

Or I’m just easily swayed by a pretty face.

Yes, I think romantic fantasies are the best forms of love for me right now.

[arediscoveryofself]

I'm glad, I'm finally fully present

Living in the most expensive city in the world, with governments setting out 10 years, 20 years plan for the nation, its hard for the citizens to feel fully present. We constantly work hard, for lofty dreams and ambitions and we justify our actions with a concept termed “Delayed gratitude”.  We worked hard, so we can enjoy the fruits of our labour in old age. So we’re always encourage to plan, because if we fail to plan, we plan to fail. But maybe sometimes, we all should stop planning, and learn to be fully present. So that our mind, soul and body can enjoy what is happening around us while propelling us to move in a direction that we have set for ourselves.

Today, as I made my way back home from school, the taxi made its left turn into AYE(ECP), and my memory got transported back to the beginning of 2017,  the darkest period in my very short-lived life thus far.

I’ve always thought that I’ve put down those dark days behind me, but I guess I can never lay it down completely, for it did affect my thoughts, speech and actions for a long period of time.

Nobody starts off a new year wanting to feel lost, especially when I had an extremely good 2016. That year, I juggled my part time internship alongside with my OCIP and school work, and received good reports from all sides. So I expected 2017 to continue in similar fashion. But I guess when your soul is not anchored properly,  its easy to be swayed in different directions. When you care too much about how other people look at you, its easy to alter your behaviour and cast doubt on yourself.

Since young, I prided myself as a high-achiever, prided myself as an individual that is capable of juggling multiple things at once, and excelling in different arenas. But I guess, if you had never listen to yourself carefully, then its easy to imitate others and get distracted, and eventually getting pulled in multiple directions.

As 2017 started, I continued my 2016 routine.  I told my mum that I’m going to continue my part time internship, continue my involvement in my OCIP and I’m going to excel in my studies. But I was wrong. Thoroughly wrong.  Those things that I used to take pride in, was tearing me down in 2017.

I can’t explain why, but in the first half of 2017, I simply lost control of my life  I was running late for my lectures and was absent half the time.  I had to rely on my friends to send me lecture recordings and remind me of the assignments that were due. I was distracted in my internship, felt lost and performed poorly. I lost interest in my PR internship, I didnt know if this internship would be useful and relevant for me. In short, I lost interest and hope in everything that I once prided myself in.

In 28 Feb 2017,  I drove into Utown, and reversed into the same parking lot that I’ve always been using. As I alighted my friend who was going to the same lecture as me, I told her, “Eh you go up ah. I’m not going.” She was dumbfounded and I didnt bother to offer any form of explanation. How. How do I explain my actions to a friend when I didnt even know what was happening to me. I simply lost interest in everything. Yes, everything.

Only through the passage of time and the benefit of hindsight did I realise that my loss of control was due to an innate fear within me. The fear of not attaining success that the world had defined.  I’ve always thought I’m a strong individual that is capable enough to deviate from the norm, fervent enough to pursue my own passion without worrying about anything else. Only in 2017 did it strike me that, nope, I’m equally afraid. Afraid of losing out in this materialistic world that we’re all living in.  I lost confidence in the degree that i was pursuing adamantly – can this degree really feed me, provide me with the life that I’ve always wanted. Do all these social work really make a difference in people’s lives and my own life trajectory. I started asking questions that were too huge to be answered. My soul was screaming, but i didn’t know who was listening. I decided that maybe I ought to take charge of my own life again, so I quit my internship, the only thing that I still have an autonomy over. I thought my life would pick up from there, but nope. I sauntered through my year 2 sem 2 , until I joined the competition that lifted myself out of the miry clay and boosted my self esteem. I only started to build up my own self-esteem and reattained my passion in history after exchange. When you realise that the knowledge of history allows you to engage with strangers on a much deeper level. When you can actually talk about the civil wars and the failure of UN that Ivorians had experienced and seen in their life time. That you can actually discussed about the impact of British colonialism to a Kenyan who has been affected by imperialism and the list goes on.

The second half of 2017 was so good for me, that it felt like an extended dream. I was so scared of waking up, so scared of realising that all these would eventually end.  So I dreaded coming back to Singapore. I dreaded the fact that I have to leave my group of friends whom I’ve built over the course of 6 months and dread the loss of memories that we know, we will all experience as time passes by.

But taking LOA for an internship in AXA was prolly the best decision in 2018. It gave me the space to breath and the time to think. I realised my worth again. I realised I can do things beyond history discipline and I found a passion and a cause that i’m interested in, which was marketing for social enterprise. So I learnt whatever marketing skills/knowledge that I can, I treat each given task seriously and cherish each opportunity that came by.  6 months flew by, and I’m back at the point whereby I have to head back to school. Head back to the place where I was in a deep abyss.   I remember lying down on my bed the night before school start,  with my heart palpitating and thoughts rummaging through my mind.

“Will history repeat itself again?” “Will I feel lost and never get back up again?”

There were just too many questions and too much apprehension. It felt like I’ve but also havent move on.

But just 2 nights ago, it suddenly dawned upon me that I’m now finally fully present. I still joined many different activities, but when your objective is clear, you’re only pulled in one and not many directions.  You can be juggling multiple things, but you’re heading only towards one direction, and that is me right now.

I’m no longer disillusioned in my major, in fact, I grew to appreciate that my discipline gives me the context needed to understand the greater scheme of things. I overload my semester with 6 modules, but I know the purpose of everything that I’m studying. I’m actively involved in a few social enterprises because i know that would lay the foundation needed for me, as I start one in the near future.

I laid awake at 2am, on my bed, with my eyes fixated on the ceiling ; I’m now fully present.

Wow, just wow.

And I write this article with a heart full of gratitude. Dedicating this post to friends who accompanied through the darkest period of my life, to friends who lent me their lecture notes without hesitation, to friends who hang out with me when I needed company, and to friends who celebrate my success and tolerate my failures.

And most importantly, dedicating this post to God, who sailed me through the roughest storms.

And to other readers that happen to be feeling lost, I’m no expert in this, but may this post encourage you that as long as you keep moving, one day, you’ll find out why you do what you do, why you go where you’re going. One day, all dots would connect, and everything would make sense.

Find rest our souls, in Christ alone. P.S. I've actually posted this on my wordpress and wanted to share on facebook to encourage people who are going through the dark days. But I guess this is just too intimate to share, so i think this shall just remain on my tumblr and people who still rmb my wordpress haha. 

[mockingbird-secrets]

words that i’ll never get to say to you.

i don’t normally write here bc as far as i am concerned, i’m sure nobody would read it. it’s the last day of march 2017 and honestly too much has happened. i rmb telling myself to allow 2017 be a better year but look where i am- back to square one. however i’m switching stuff up. i can’t deal with this any longer. i am basically suffocating myself. i am going to type all these things that i want to say to you here and begin april differently. yes, i’m going to attempt to give myself a chance. here goes.

dear you,

it has been about 3 months since you first texted me about your concerns. i remember my heart racing and heating up bc i was so confused as to why such a day would come despite me trying to be as transparent as possible. but i still failed. as a friend. i failed to do that.

dear you,

i recall around a week later that i received some shocking news and didn’t even know how to react. i wanted to check up on you but i was afraid. i’m not sure why, till now. however i did it, and you poured out to me yet again. i felt relieved, bc i was happy i could somehow be there for you again knowing how much that situation has affected you.

dear you,

i forgot to reply you once, and in this time frame, i met up with friend A to meet person1 to simply collect something. i even asked friend A along bc i knew and felt that it was kind of wrong for me if i didn’t, although it wasn’t. 

that was the day i initiated to both friend A and person1 to take up a certain class i’ve always wanted to take. always. anyone who knew me well enough knows that i like this a whole lot. person1 agreed and i rushed into looking up information bc someone finally didn’t mind going for it. the intention was simple- to learn what i’ve always liked.

dear you,

however, i never knew that by simply doing that, i was “choosing sides” and clearly “didn’t want the friendship”. you started saying many things. (to person1 at least) not that it matters to me, but what you said really, really, really hurt me. i’m going to be honest with you, (although you’ll never see this) i didn’t think this matter would affect me so much or affect me at all. i never imagined myself being this affected. but it dawned upon me that all these that i’m typing here right now, these are my true feelings that can never be translated to you bc you didn’t even give me a chance to explain myself, nor did you bother to even ask me about it. 

and the only reason? bc you meant more than i could ever imagine. i’ve known you since i was 9. i can almost recall every single thing we’ve been through. from being little clueless kids to teenagers stressing over final exams. despite everything that has happened, friends A, B, C, D, E and so on, has reminded me on how it clearly shows you didn’t even take me as a real friend, on how i should just let go bc such a friend isn’t worth all these drama, and how everything was basically a fake. they definitely made sense and i appreciate their advice, but what they don’t know is the memories we’ve had and the countless ups and downs we’ve been through. 8 years isn’t a short amount of time, in fact its almost half my life. its easy, to play along with your games. but when i really sit to think, it hurts like a fucking bitch. it does.

dear you,

do you know what hurt me the most out of all these? your words. your words itself has made me rethink my entire fucking existence and the reality of “friends”, or even as you’ve called it, “best friend”. the fact that after being friends for 8 years, you don’t know me well enough to know that i’d never do such a thing or even want to hurt you on purpose. the fact that you think of me as someone this way. the fact that you didn’t even fucking bother to text me personally to clear the goddamn fucking questions in your head. you’d rather believe what you’ve heard from others than to actually clarify it with me. you didn’t even give me a chance for something i didn’t even fucking do. it fucking hurts. it really does. no, it really hurts. are you aware? 

i’m not pushing the blame to you but, why didn’t you? why didn’t you bother at all? am i really not worthy at all? throughout our friendship i’ve always felt bad bc i never could really express how i felt towards you bc compared to you and the stories you shared, i never spoke much. compared to the posts you’d make, i never posted much. but i really did, appreciate, our friendship. i did. 

I FUCKING GET IT that people come and go but do you know why i bothered to type this goddamn post that you’d never read now? bc it matters to me. you mattered. 

when you compared me to a certain friend, my heart broke. when you judged me for what “i did” without even bothering to clarify it with me, my heart broke. when you.... when you said i chose person1 over you... i was speechless. i was numb. all the times where you said something and my friends would just laugh it off, i would too, but deep down i really broke down. and i never let any of it out till now. i don’t believe in burdening others with my nonsensical thoughts and bullshit feelings but, i have no idea how to survive with it anymore. like i said, it’s suffocating- to act like i’m perfectly fine when i’m fucking not.

dear you,

i’m genuinely at a loss. i have a 100% clear conscience but yet i feel bad. i’m such a fucking loser. and to you? maybe you’d think i’m being dramatic and i’m overreacting, but try having such a good friend for 8 years with priceless memories but to only lose it to a matter that is false. i treasure my friends, i am aware of those who are worth keeping, and you were one of them. 

but after all the words you lashed out about me, more hurting than i could ever imagine, i realised something. nothing is real, and nothing is fake. you go figure that one out yourself. as much as my heart wants to, its time for me to be stronger than that.

dear you,

i read a post once. it said something along the lines of “if it mattered to them, they would apologise not because they are begging for forgiveness, but because they treasure the relationship.” i honestly would apologise, even for something that i completely did not do wrong- because i treasure(d) the friendship. but seeing you even deleting me off your instagram posts? i realised how worthy i am to you- basically of 0 worth. (which fucking sucks btw)

the old me? yea like the 9/10/11/12 year old me? i would beg for your forgiveness. because i never had friends. i was ugly, i was stupid, teachers hated me, so did my peers. it was till the extend of other kids calling me names and not wanting to go for recess with me. but you were my friend, and so why do you think i was so grateful? bc i appreciated the fact that you didn’t judge me from my cover, and wasn’t ashamed to be my friend.

the old me? yea the 13/14/15/16 me? i would have texted you first and reasoned every single thing out with you regardless. even if it meant taking the risk of you hating on me because you are that angry. but i know we are friends so i would’ve just went ahead.

me? what about me right now? i’m not dumb yknow? i might not be academically inclined but i know about life. no, its not a brag, i’ve seen much, been through quite a few things, well maybe more than “few”, to be able to know such things. and yknow what? my friends are right. there’s no use holding on to something that the other party doesn’t even care about because it takes two hands to clap. clearly, and again, you proved that i mean almost nothing. 

dear you,

i’m afraid we’re reaching the end, of this post and of this situation. i am going to give myself a chance and let this go. no matter how hard it might be, i’ll try to let it go. but thanks for waking me up and allowing me to realise such things. thanks for these 8 years too.  if hating me, and channeling your anger on me can make you feel better about the whole situation then, i guess it’s the last thing i can do for you. and if i could tell you one last thing? i just really want you to know that i would never have chosen person1 over you. it wasn’t even the case to begin with but it seems like that’s how you thought. i never knew i was choosing a friendship to ditch and to start anew. but whatever. whatever it is, everything has happened. it’s too late. we’re all scarred. thank you for waking me up, and thak you for allowing me to realise who my true friends are.