#this pretty much just covers some of the things i've learned over the last year or so

[chasedeys]

https://www.tumblr.com/chasedeys/768170997377597440/httpswwwtumblrcomchasedeys768169507136159744

Oh 100 % I agree that they had a talk afterwards. Both of them have emphasized communication throughout the 6 years they have been “together 😭💀,” so no way they didn’t have a heart to heart they never get like that with each other

they couldn't have not have the talk lbr like that fight was kind of crazy had people talking about bengals downfall burrow-chase connection fallout etc they got to have a heart-to-heart 😭 though i guess it wasn't really actually a fight?? ja'marr just got so fucking angry and joe had to cool him down and the way to cool him down quick was to yk shove at him and yell at him right back ig though 100% nobody else but joe would've away with it on that field lol

i've talked about it a bit here in the end!!

also after that infamous kc game shove, i definitely think they had a very tough heart to heart where ja'marr maybe spills his full feelings over the contract and how he hasn’t been getting the ball to actually make big plays and how his worth as a wr1 is being brought to question and joe probably spills on his own feelings on how ja'marr held out so long and had last minute (?) changes of playing that week one ramps up joe's own anxiety and hang ups like i definitely feel like he had some unchecked anxiety over playing with his wrist that first game that ja'marr probably said something incredibly insane yet uplifting about in response. the next game its like they mended some unseen frayed stitch of their connection! first drive banger of a 41 yarder td for jamarr, two tuddys for the game in fact lol!! joe gets him his deep ball, then the insane way joe rushed at him after his 63 yarder in the next game, its like that first touchdown against minnesota again. i just wish the very best for them, to keep making these insane passes and insane runs they’ve been making since lsu.

that's pretty much it lmao but there's some more word vomit below that might a bit much tbh:

okay like i was new at this during the first few weeks okay I've not been here for their lsu to bengals run and my understanding of their burrow-chase throw-catch connection by which i mean like actual football playing qb-wr gameplay was still being learned!! i absolute did not know any rules of the game that first week i watched 😭 didn't even know how you got 7pts out a touchdown etc etc sorry i really was just there for the pretty men who had their faces covered by helmets 90% of the time lmao and from what i saw it was kind of meh you know???

like I've watched their highlights before don't get me wrong i know they got it. the touchdowns??? the way joe throws and ja'marr runs??? crazyyyyyy how the fuck does joe know exactly where ja'marr was going to run, how the fuck did ja'marr know exactly how far joe was going to throw, and like this could absolutely be attributed to the way they plan things with coaches and play calling etc but!! doesn't change the fact that in the end it just takes two people to do that shit and they've understood each other so well to have done it near perfectly!! like it made me understand why there's so much poetry and romance in sports!!! the trust the connection the whatever i can't find words the point is i didn't really like......see that in the first two games??? like there was some kind of disconnect yk and like idk they played like shit 😭 but keep in mind i was completely unknowledgeable of football like at all and i refuse to rewatch those games so maybe i was just stupid and didn't see it lmao

BUT THEN???? the week 3 game?????? ja'marr's first touchdown of the season???????? THAT was the shit i was waiting for like iirc ja'marr and tee were running their way down by the sidelines getting double teamed (?) each idk ja'marr was definitely double teamed had me doubting they'd make it but joe threw an absolutely beautiful ball at him and ja'marr caught that shit over his shoulder!?!?!?!??! brought it right home too!!!!!!! i was so gassedddddd i was exhilarated like completely 100% fell in love with the sport that was amazing that was literally my first live burrow-chase touchdown!!!!!!

(another fucking list sorry) me being the Master Speculator of Shit that i am made my own stupid ass narratives about how:

they were unsure of their game and each other's lmao hear me out. joe's first game back after the devastating wrist injury that was hell to get back into form to, had to deal with all the noise about him never going to be able to throw the way he used to again and knew just how many fucking eyes would be on him that first game back watching his wrist like bloodthirsty hawks. even if i believe that he's the type of person who can completely block out that noise without flinching, some subconscious and fearful part of him had to have been holding him back. the numerous, numerous, painful clips of him twisting his wrists repeatedly, fidgeting harder than he's ever fidgeted before, the water bottle stupidity that he actually got asked about, etc (god i can't imagine being a celebrity having your anxious shit caught on camera and analyzed so loudly over the internet). and then you add in how ja'marr's been in a contract holdout and clearly bothered as all hell about it because it's just not getting done at all even d-1 of their opening week!! insane. there were questions of ja'marr even playing game 1 and joe of course said unflinchingly that ja'marr would be ready week 1 regardless but completely understandable if he's rattled okay!! if ja'marr wasn't really planning on playing (wasn't he listed as questionable due to illness idk i forgot) suddenly switching up however many hours before to actually playing that's gotta fuck up joe's steady structure that he already prepared beforehand of not playing with ja'marr you know??? like basically a) anxiety over his wrist, b) ja'marr's sudden status as active messing up his pregame, and c) everybody and their grandmothers all up in his business for his first game back.

ja'marr's contract situation. people absolutely saying the foulest shit about his decision to hold out, the amount of money he asked, saying to boot him out, calling him a diva /derogatory, comparing him to justin, tee's contract situation, etc. the fo being the one to open convo about his extension only to not be open to his numbers??? sensible numbers if you think abt it btw and now well lmao good luck fo his agent must be smug as all hell. it maybe planted seeds of doubt and insecurity in him on his worth as WR1 you know?? like why are they acting like he isn't worth all that fucking money. incredibly emotional highly intelligent sensitive pisces that he is gets understandably more and more pissed off and defensive about literally everything but he fucking loves this sport and he loves his guys so he decides to play the game 1 anyway and. well. just. sigh.

the game went to shit and ja'marr played idk better than the rest of the receivers but in all honesty everyone was kind of shit?? and like. they lost to the patriots. who literally got beaten belt to ass by the dolphins last week. but anyways game 2 against ja'marr's most Hated capital h and everything fucking chiefs 😭 yeah with the whole contract situation still up in the air there was no way he wasn't going to have some sort of meltdown tbh. hence the fight....where joe got physical with him.....where his actions definitely contributed heavily to their loss which should have been a win.

and so: the talk. like i said they both talked about their anxieties no holds barred literally all the shit i wrote above and apologized to each other the way men usually do idk bro hugged it out maybe. i genuinely think ja'marr went off on joe on not getting the ball more like????? i can't explain it damn it he definitely chewed him out on it and joe was like 'fuck okay'. ja'marr says he never notices shit about how joe throws the ball so maybe he doesn't notice anything about joe's wrist acting up. but maybe he notices that joe's holding back or there's some sort of hang up over the way he plays and needles it out of him point-blank like the person that he is and joe finally talks about it and ja'marr responds by being 100% insane like he usually does and that sort of devotion and sheer stubbornness on one's belief in who you are has to have some kind of impact on joe damn. they probably got some professional therapy too btw at least i hope so :'). but basically ja'marr just wants the ball more and joe gets him the fucking ball.

ja'marr said something along the lines of him finding joy playing again 😔🤚 this was such a comment like god he hasn't been playing happy at all and when he put to rest the contract shit he finally gets to play a sport he loves with joy!!! him being happy is so fucking important to me wow 😭 i think I've said this before in some post idk but he knows he messed up, he knows the contract negotiation fucked up his emotions so bad he brings it on the field so he nips that shit quick and done. no more contract talks until the next offseason. probably made it clear to joe though that he will not leave but fuck if he's listening to any bullshit from the fo when he's got a game to win and a super bowl to get to and idk about you but that probably healed something in joe like there is the guy who gets him. who's as hungry as he is for a win, for a ring, for a championship. who's got his back, who he can trust to be there on the other end of the field to catch his throws.

the next game!!!!!!!!! god i really am not the person to talk about routes or strategy or whatever but i know for damn sure that that was a beautiful throw and that was a beautiful catch and that was a one-of-a-kind connection. like they fixed something that was unknowingly dented in their connection and like they're finally trusting themselves and each other again to make the big plays they've done before the injury and the contract drama you know????? aurrugrgrhrh i can't word anything out i feel like saying more about this but i cant please get me anyway 😭

this entire emotional roller coaster thing was also the main reason they had those kind of helmet bonks on the next 63 yard td and 70 yard td btw. been a long while since they've had those kind of plays, probably had some unnamed unknowing unacknowledged doubts that they would ever have it again, so it was like the first time all over again lol. (was one of the things joe said to him in that little bubble of their celly after the ravens 70 yarder something like 'see i knew we still got it. i knew you still got it.' god i feel insane)

ok bye......

[legy]

hi! i'm caelum. you might know me from @goldentruths-pod or from posting online. im in a financial quicksand pit and i really, really, really need help.

i'm disabled and receive approx ~$950 a month from social security. this has gone from "rough but survivable" when i first started receiving SSI to "i am literally not making ends meet" in 2024. right now my current status is that i am covering my basic needs but any kind of extra purchases are impossible. and the extra purchases i need to make keep piling up because i just can't afford them. some things i need include, in vague level of priority:

dolphin, my cat, is years overdue for a vet visit. this is going to be $300 minimum, possibly more because she has an adversarial relationship with the vet. she needs dental work done which they had quoted me as being $1500 but ive been putting it off for so long that i would not be surprised if that's more expensive too

i have learned today that my gold crown needs to be replaced. really unhappy about this one. it was a miserable experience the first time (everything that went wrong did go wrong, i'll spare you the details) but what is relevant here is that my insurance does not cover this and it was $900 last time. insurance also does not cover extracting the tooth either so that's cool. i have some time before this one is due (my next consult is in july)

my phone is approaching "unusably broken". i've had it for close to 4 years now. the call speaker no longer works (i can only use the phone on speaker mode) and it struggles to run apps or a web browser which makes things like GPS pretty dire. this would be like ~$100-$150 probably, i havent done serious phone shopping yet

my driver's license is expired and i need to get a new one. this was $110 last time. note i havent driven a car in years due to the disability but it's really valuable to have a universally recognized form of photo ID and ive already been hassled over it being expired

god this one is so embarrassing to get into but i had to flee my previous apartment last year due to it escalating into a DV situation. the other tenants did not pay the heating bill, which was in my name (and my dumb ass didnt close the account because it was the middle of february and i didnt want to freeze them to death) so i have a $250 utility bill in collections. i might be able to dispute or debt forgiveness this one but tbh ive been so fucking drained given everything else going on and also my phone barely works so i havent pursued it. especially since i can't afford to pay it if i cant challenge it

i would really like to have a passport again. my previous one was destroyed by my landlord in 2018 but even if it wasnt it'd also be expired now. not sure how much this one costs. likely $200?

my food stamps were slashed in half (covid emergency ending lol) and do not cover my food costs for the month so im paying like $150 a month on food that i didnt have to previously. i can maybe fix this one but im slowly losing my mind from malnutrition from trying to not go into debt and also eat. so i havent had it in me to go 1v1 welfare bureaucracy and possibly make everything even worse

my shoes are probably two months out from fully decomposing. they were $100 three years ago and id like to get something comparable given they lasted me this long

the rest of my clothes are also very literally becoming threadbare, falling apart, or are too big and keep slipping off. i legitimately feel embarrassed to go in public these days because i dress so shitty all the time

insurance doesnt cover my HRT anymore so that's $30 a month i didnt used to have to pay

im sorry this turned into such a ramble. i'm in such a bad way right now, i have been for quite a while and the dental work news is really just the final straw. i can't really have a fundraising goal because due to the SSI asset limit i can never own more than $2000. & i'm aware both that this is the poor people sending each other the same 20 dollars website and that there are people urgently trying to raise money to escape an active genocide. but i held off from making this post as long as possible & idk what else i can do

anyway if theres anything you can contribute to help me i would appreciate it more than anything. at the very least i need to do something about my tooth.

http://paypal.me/hivehum

[soongtypehuman]

Boo-hoo update

I’m sorry to say I have an update I was hoping to not ever have to make. Some of you already know that I have some serious health issues, but I've been pretty quiet about the extent of what I'm dealing with.

The gist of it is that I have a rare bone disease called fibrous dysplasia that turned certain bones in my skull into tumors and then those tumors grew inward and started crushing my brain, so I had a craniotomy last year to remove as much as was safe and got a cool new titanium implant in my head to replace the removed bone/tumor. The unfortunate result was encephalomalacia, which is the end stage of liquifying necrosis, and now part of my brain is liquid instead of solid (it’s dead, in a nutshell). Most people don’t survive encephalomalacia, much less remain able to function, and most who survive the initial stage don’t survive the three year mark. Even when you do survive it, it often continues spreading. The last MRI showed it had already taken over about 1/3 of my brain. But I’m a stubborn asshole and am still hanging on.

Unfortunately, things aren’t getting better.

I have to have constant MRIs, EEGs, physical and cognitive therapies, and have been on more meds than I’d like to be in order to control seizures and various cognitive issues. I didn’t mention this before, but I had to go through a series of speech therapies just to learn to talk properly again. And the most unfortunate part of this is that my ability to write has been affected. Since the surgery over a year ago, I’ve only made 10 new posts in the Positronic Rivalry series, totaling around 87k words. For reference, I posted over 200k words in 2022. I’ve posted even less this year, and it’s not improving.

With that said, I have to take a step back. I’m not quitting and I’m not walking away from the fandom. I’d like to think I’ll still be able to post here and there. I just don’t know when and under what circumstances that will happen. I most certainly can’t handle the longer multi-chapter fics I once could. Maybe one day, but not this day. Since I started posting on AO3 back at the end of 2021, I’ve posted every Sunday more often than not. I’m sorry to say I can’t make that happen right now, and can’t say when I’ll post again or what it will be. I won't be able to continue with season 4.

But I’m most definitely not leaving the fandom and the people and the characters I love so much. I’ll still be here interacting and posting when I’m able. This fandom and the people in it are incredible and mean a lot to me. Data and Lore and Star Trek in general are integral to my life and general enjoyment.

But!! I’ve nearly completed compiling seasons 1-3 of Positronic Rivalry as well as 2022/23 Kinktobers into files that will be ready to print in physical book format (completely free, obviously), which I’ll make available for everyone to download in various print sizes, complete with covers, which you can then have printed at various POD sites if you’re so inclined. Digital versions will also be available (you can already download various formats from AO3, but they’re not compiled into seasons, don’t have covers, etc.).

I’m also continuing with the Trek-themed crossword puzzles because those are fun and my therapist thinks making them is good for my cognitive rehab.

This update is a massive bummer for me, but I felt it was better to just admit my limitations instead of constantly trying to convince myself that I could continue the way I had been pre-surgery and beating myself up when I couldn’t.

Lastly, I’ve finally taken the suggestion I’ve gotten repeatedly and set up a KoFi. If you’d like to buy me a coffee or toss a coin to your android porn witcher, you can do so right here and I’d be giggling and kicking my feet in gratitude.

Anyhow, I want to thank all of you for being amazing and coming along on this ride with me for as long as you have, and for as long as it might continue in whatever form it takes.

[kalinara]

I've been contemplating why many of the Throuple or "Scogean" fics and meta that I see don't really work for me. This is not intended to target any one author or commenter. This is just my own personal, general opinion.

And I think my main issue is that I look for Throuple fic/meta that specifically deals with the 616, that is, the main comic book, continuity. And, for all that this is where the Throuple is actually canon*, it's actually pretty rare to find fic/meta about this specific dynamic.

(*No one's buying the eleventh hour denial, Marvel)

I think what a lot of Throuple writers don't realize about the 616 continuity is that Scott, Jean and Logan really are not a ship of two well adjusted individuals and their weird self-loathing, feral pet that they've coaxed in from the cold.

That dynamic may work for some of the other continuities, and that's perfectly cool, don't get me wrong, but if we're specifically talking about 616, the dynamic is ultimately very different.

I mean, yes, Logan is Logan. And he's got a lot of trauma and issues under his belt. He's also about 200 years old and has learned a shit ton of coping mechanisms. He's not always friendly, he's not always civilized, and occasionally he's an outright judgmental asshole. But he's mostly figured out his own shit.

Now let's look at Scott Summers and Jean Grey for a minute. The first and best of Xavier's child soldiers.

Jean Grey is the living embodiment of a god, who is constantly dealing with the fact that a loss of control on her part could and has led to billions of deaths. She has to deal with the fact that she dies, a lot and basically every time she comes back it's to a very different world than she left where everyone is yet again in some new bizarre crisis. She's constantly trying to relearn herself, her surroundings, her relationships, and atone for the things done when she'd lost control.

(A.X.E. X-Men #1)

Scott Summers is arguably the more normal of the three. He's not a god or an immortal, right? But this is a man who, in his last canonical nervous breakdown kicked Xavier from the mansion (twice), went from being headmaster of the School, to the benevolent dictator of the entire mutant race, to being an outlaw revolutionary that decorates college dorm rooms Che Guevara style and ended up on the cover of Rolling Stone even as SHIELD, the Avengers, and pretty much every world government wanted him captured or dead. Oh, and he thought it was a great idea to try to teach a new batch of students in the fucking left over WEAPONS X facility.

He's a little more stable now, admittedly. I'm not quite sure what to make of the whole outsourcing his moral accountability to his wife bit. But I'm sure the panic attack and the fact that he's now living in an abandoned Sentinel factory are not something we really need to worry about.

(Uncanny X-Men #527)

Obviously, everyone is going to have their own read on the throuple, but to me, the throuple is less two well adjusted people with their poor feral friend, and more one somewhat sane old dude who is dating a tormented goddess, and a modern version of Alexander the Great perpetually on the verge of a psychotic break.

I'm just saying, in the 616 continuity, LOGAN is the well-adjusted one.

[she-is-ovarit]

This is for all the younger gen Z women, particularly those of you within the ages of 17 to roughly 23. This is written from an American perspective, things might be a little different depending on where you're from.

I graduated high school with the unconscious assumption that certain systems will take care of me. The medical system would educate me on proper nutrition and health issues was probably my largest underlying assumption, but really I just had trust in institutions generally.

This isn't true. You are responsible for learning. As an example, I have been vegetarian since age 14. Nobody talked to me about proper nutrition, they just told me I needed to eat more protein.

I lived a decade of my life having shortness of breath, sleeping issues, clumsiness, cold hands and feet, having brain fog, extreme fatigue, heightened anxiety, etc. My period was extremely light and brown, it'd last for about 2 or so days. I'd go and talk about these problems, and telling doctors that I was vegetarian was one of the first things that came out of my mouth just with any visit because I knew at least that piece was important to communicate.

There was really no action taken over the span of about 10 years. I was told the period thing was normal, that changes for women. A sleep specialist let me know that feeling exhausted was also normal. The brain fog was probably due to anxiety. Here, try allergy medication (tbh that did help for other reasons). Then one day I just asked them to check my vitamin and mineral levels. Prior to this I didn't think you can make requests to doctors, I thought you showed up and they performed tests on what they recommended. With some reluctance from my primary care physician and some compromise because she said my insurance wouldn't cover testing things like B12 levels (I later found out from a nurse that, they would, she would have just needed to fill out extra paperwork), she did some tests.

I found out both my iron and D3 levels were low. What else could be?

I later learned pretty much all the vitamins common to be low for vegetarians were low. D3, magnesium, vitamin Bs, iron, and healthy fats. Bought some liquid vitamins (because the body only absorbs 10% of the pill supplements), began eating an avocado a day, my period became normal for the first time in nine years, and I am able to function.

Another example of how human systems won't educate you: I don't have feeling in some of my toes due to wearing incorrect sized footwear for years resulting in permanent nerve damage. I'm size 11.5 in women's, and I was relying on someone to tell me how proper footwear worked, because surely the guy in the minimum wage position working the footwear section would know.

Don't trust human systems to guide you through how certain things work. Seek specific specialists and experts when you can, and inform yourself on your own. Don't blindly trust search engines like Google, it's not like how it used to be when I was growing up and many millennial adults will tell you to "just google things" because we're used to finding actual substantive answers when we do. However, now, usually whoever pays is who makes the first page or two of search engines, it has nothing to do with what information is "most correct". Don't be afraid to request certain tests be done by doctors or certain referrals made to different specialists.

Edit: And also, I've found general practitioners are terrible when you walk in and tell them about several different symptoms at one time. They're more used to treating one symptom at a time, and they treat the symptom not the root cause. If you go in with a runny nose, general practitioners are going to throw medications at you to try and treat the runny nose, not look deeper into what's causing the runny nose. It's equivalent to if you're in a boat and it's sinking, they're bailing out water without actually fixing the hole or trying to figure out where it is, with the exception of emergency situations and even then it depends.

[sapphicforsarahh]

best hands ive ever seen pt.2

ship: loubbie x fem!reader

word count: 695+

warnings: none, mention of sex but none (yet)

synopsis: You finally learn what Lou and Debbie want with you.

part 1

After what seemed like the longest car ride, you eventually reached wherever these women were taking you. “Let’s go honey,” Lou taps your leg and urges you to get out. You do as you’re told and stand next to the car, waiting for the other women to guide you where you needed to be. Debbie smiles at you at walks towards an old building, which looks like it should be abandoned. “Is this where you’re taking me?”, you ask nervously. Lou chuckles, “don’t worry, its much nicer inside.”

Lou tosses Debbie the keys and waits for her to open the door, then you take a look inside. A massive loft, covered with expensive furniture, shelves stacked with records and racks cluttered with fur coats and empty hangers. “Do you guys live here?”, you ask, still inspecting the place. “Well, not so much anymore, it’s pretty much just where we plan,” Debbie explains, throwing the keys on a nearby table. “Plan?”, you question, sitting down on the sofa. “We should probably explain,” Lou sits down on the chair in front of you, Debbie adjacent. “Lou and I have been doing this for years, getting away with stealing and making millions from it. And Lou happened to find you, a girl with good hands,” Debbie explained, Lou nodding along with her. “Basically, we’re asking you if you’d want to be in the next heist?”, Lou asked bluntly.

You were shocked to say the least. That’s definitely the last thing that you were expecting from these two women. “I, uh. I’m not sure what to say,” you laugh out. “Well?” Lou teases, leaning forward, placing both her hands on your knees. You blush, obviously, and look at Debbie, hoping for some sort of support, but she just cocks her head and raises a brow. “S-sure,” you answer, unconfidently.

"Please doing business with you," Debbie shakes your hand. It was just now that the two women realised they never caught your name. "Oh, I'm Y/N by the way," you said, as if reading their mind.

-------

Over the coming days, you learn their body language and how they spoke to eachother. Lou was extremely flirty with everyone that she saw, apparently, and Debbie was there to apologise for her. You also noticed how much more intense the flirting had became. Both women teased with you and gave eachother a smirk.

One night, after the rest of the group had went home and Debbie had went to bed, it was only you and Lou up. She had poured you a whiskey with ice, however she had it neat. Her leg propped up on the table in front of you both, one hand held her glass, the other entertaining a lighter. "So, Y/N," Lou begins, her low voice helps to accentuate her accent. You turn her attention to you and also prop your foot on the table. "Are you single? Any lady we should be aware of," Lou jokes, sipping her whiskey and raising a brow.

You blush and hesitate to answer, Lou grows impatient. "So?", she pries. "Well, no. It's a bit complicated," you say quietly, almost embarrassed. Lou only hums in response, waiting for you to continue. "I've never really had a thing for girls my age," you practically stutter out. Lou's smirk was plastered across her face. "You have a thing for older women honey?", her lighter is soon thrown on the table and she moves closer to you.

Nervously, you clear your throat before answering, "you could say that." The older woman clearly notices the tension rising between you and decides to see how far she can go. "So, Debs and I, we've been talking," her veiny hand is palming your knee. You nod, thinking that it's better not to speak. "Would you be interested in joining us? In the bedroom?" Lou asks a bit too casually.

So many thoughts are going through your head. The main one being: yes. All you could do at that moment is nod. Lou simply hums before downing the rest of her whiskey, giving you a quick kiss to the forehead before whispering in your ear, "Stay the night, we have a spare room."

---------

Taglist: @mllkw33ds @isle-of-earle @chillinftladygaga @cordeliaswife @angelick1sses @gmtsu @thenazwife @ladysc @midnightlove30 @blanchettlovebot @bellasbaxters

Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist!

[allthingsfern]

About my new camera

Yes, I bought a new camera, but it was not a last minute decision. Well, the camera purchase was pretty much last minute after I saw a video about the camera I chose and did some research on the Web & Youtube.

For about a year I've been wondering if I should sell my Sony a7r3 body and Sony/Zeiss Sonnar T* 55mm f/1.8 lens, which came highly recommended, including by Ken Rockwell, who I also turned to for advice about my new camera. The 55mm f/1.8 lens was highly recommended; it was one of the original set of lenses for the Sony a7 line of mirrorless cameras.

I wondered about getting rid of it because, while I enjoyed using it and got some great photos with it, my 24-105mm f/4 Sony G lens also took great photos, and it covered the 55 mm range. Granted, the 55mm produced super creamy bokeh, but the 24-105 f/4 did too, though maybe not as creamy. Maybe for me, as a vegan, the 24-105mm f/4 bokeh was (is) creamy enough?

Anyway, here is one of my favorites, taken with the 24-105mm f/4 about 6 months after I bought the a7r3. (I've owned an a7r3 for over 6 years now...)

Like butter?

Back to the new camera story. About a year ago, I saw this video about "one camera/one lens."

I also watched a video where he discussed keeping camera gear down to a useful minimum "5 Reasons to Keep Your Equipment Simple feat. Documentary Photography Daniel Milnor." His insights resonated with me because I am not a gear head. I like having one lens on each camera body and not having to fidget. I like to keep it simple.

Then, about 3 weeks ago, I watched this video.

Now, I go make photos in SF often. Every once in a while I also go to Oakland, which has, at least in the 30 years I've been in living in California, a super bad reputation. I've never felt unsafe in either city walking around with my a7r3 with the medium sized 24-105mm f/4 lens on it. Granted, I carry it in the original, small, Peak Design sling bag, which I immediately christened my Audrey Hepburn camera bag because it is so elegant, especially with the little brown leather handle on top.

BTW, I also own the Peak Design messenger bag, but I almost always use this one for my camera and use the messenger bag for when I need to carry my laptop. The 5L sling bag had a bonus: Both my a7r3s with their respective lenses attached fit in this one little bag. Tight, but they fit.

Anyway, that video about feeling safe did set me to thinking, since I am getting older and walk around alone, but it also made go back to wondering if I should carry both cameras, which I rarely do anymore.

Then Adrian Vila posted this video.

And then I found his original video, about 4 years old, about the RX100 vii.

the idea of carrying a smaller camera with a 24-200 zoom intrigued me, I did some research, including visiting Ken Rockwell's site, where he highly recommended this camera (see the review here).

I was convinced, but I knew that the camera is 5 years old (and Sony has no plans of releasing a newer model), so I looked up prices for used, and if I could find them, new cameras. I eventually just opted to get a new one and am going to sell my a7r3 with the 55mm f/1.8 lens. Interesting fact: The Sony RX100 line (7 models) all have a Zeiss Sonnar T* zoom lens. Mine has a 24-200mm f/2.8-4.5 variable lens, so I am still going to have a Zeiss lens, even after I sell my 55mm Zeiss.

Then there was the coincidence that they actually had an RX100 vii in stock at the Sacramento store. I visited the Mike's Camera Website, choosing specifically the Sacramento location (they have several locations in California and Colorado) and saw they had one for sale, so I drove last there Wednesday to buy the camera.

Funny thing is, I learned they don't usually carry the RX100 vii anymore (it is, after all, discontinued) but they happened to get a delivery of one just that day from their warehouse. (I could have ordered it and it would be delivered to the store or to my apartment.) The sales person (Colton) went to check if it was ordered by someone, but no, so the camera was mine.

I explained to Colton how when I went in to buy my first a7r3 on 12-26-17, they did have it, but I wanted the 24-105mm lens, which was just released (and in popular demand) and was told they only had one, which someone pre-ordered. However, the salesperson (Taek) checked and it turned out that person had not gone in to pick up the lens or contacted them about it, and it was sitting in the store for 6 weeks, so Taek opted to let me have it. As Colton said, I have good camera Karma.

So, yes, I am going to be using a smaller camera with a smaller sensor (1 inch) that has only 20 MP as opposed to my a7r3's 42 MP in a larger full frame sensor. However, while thinking the new camera purchase over, I thought about the awesome photos I got from my Nikon D50 with its dinky 28-80mm f/2.5-5.6 lens, and the RX100 is a huge step up.

Finally, here are 2 photos of my new camera.

OMG, my a7r3 is dusty...

Ok. That's all for now.

The adventure continues...

[rems-writing]

Humble and kindness

Pairing: rookie!San x maestro!reader

Summary: This will take place in an orchestral setting

Warning(s): people being dicks. That's pretty much it

Genre: Fluff with some angst

Nets: @blossomnet @mirohs-aurora-society

Since @sannie4luv is a huge San stan, I'm tagging her in this :3

As San straightened out his pristine suit jacket that was ironed to perfection, he looked himself in the mirror one last time and gave himself a small pep talk.

"You got this, San. You can do it. You've been practicing for months on end for this very moment. You can make it. Fighting!"

After releasing a short breath, he picked up his silver violin case, slung it over his shoulder, and began walking briskly from out of his apartment to the busy streets of Seoul.

---------------------------------------------------

He probably should've brought an umbrella. Good thing he packed an emergency one in his case.

After closing it back up and opening the umbrella, he made his way to the symphony hall again. He only had three more blocks to cover. As he continued to walk briskly yet carefully in the rain, he noticed something odd. A few feet away from him, a young woman was wearing a cloak and was standing under a newspaper stand to try and shield herself from the rain. She had been asking for various strangers to lend their umbrella, only to be met with half assed apologies or straight up rudeness whenever they said no.

His heart broke when most of them were young people with violin cases slung over their shoulders as well. Looks like they cared more about the competition than helping a stranger out.

Due to the fact that he couldn't stand the weary woman suffering for so long, he walked over to her and put on his kindest smile.

"Hello, ma'am. Need to go somewhere?"

The woman heard his voice and let out a soft cry of relief.

"Yes yes! I need to get to the symphony hall. I want to see my child audition! Unfortunately, my car broke down in the middle of horrendous downpour and I didn't bring an umbrella with me so I had no choice but to stand here."

"How long have you been in the rain?"

"Not too long but it feels likes ages! Please, young man. Can you help me?"

A short internal conflict went on inside his mind. His brain told him to just ditch the woman and hope she forgives him while his heart told him to help her out so she wouldn't miss her child's audition. Sighing quietly, he made up his mind.

"Ok. I can take you. I might be late, but I'd rather be late than have someone's kid audition knowing that their number one supporter isn't there for them."

The woman's eyes shone brightly and a grateful smile graced her face. She scuffled under his umbrella and was even more shocked when she felt his jack be draped over her shoulders.

"But what about you?! Your shirt will be soaked and you will get sick!"

"Your wellbeing comes first, ma'am. Besides, I have an emergency shirt in my case that I can change into later."

The woman chuckled and they both walked together to the symphony hall.

"So... I presume you will audition as well?"

"Yes, ma'am. I've always wanted to perform in front of my biggest inspiration for years!"

"Ahh! Let me guess. Is it that one young girl? Y/N?"

San nodded eagerly and the woman chuckled.

"I heard she got her rise to fame fairly quick. She used to be a street performer and now here she is, playing in the KQ Grand Hall in front of thousands of her most beloved fans."

"That is correct! It's always been my dream to make a name for myself, wherever that might be." San chuckled sadly before speaking.

"After tearing a muscle in my calf during a taekwondo competition, I thought my life was over. During physical therapy, my hands started to get antsy so the doctor found something for my hands to do. At first, when I played a single note, it sounded like a dying cat being strangled and it was screeching for help."

The woman giggled to that comparison.

"From there, I learned how to play on my own."

"No teacher to guide you?"

"Most of the teachers thought I was too cocky or arrogant whenever I passed a simple lesson. They quit right after teaching me a few lessons. It kind of saddened me, but that didn't stop me from learning. Now, here I am."

"Do you think you'll pass the audition?"

"I would hope so. If not, I'm just grateful enough to even perform in front of y/n."

"That's very humbling of you, young man. I pass on my good luck to you for your audition."

"Thank you, ma'am."

When they arrived at the doors of the symphony hall, San let the woman go in first. She thanked him and was about to give him his jacket back when he shook his head.

"Keep it. I want you to stay warm and healthy."

The woman smiled.

"Alrighty then. Thank you for walking me to this venue. You truly are a kind man."

San simply smiled before waving goodbye to her and turning to the table that had sign-in sheets. Once he signed in, the employee pointed to a practice room behind San, where other musicians were waiting for their audition. Some were even practicing. San thanked the employees and walked to the practice room before finding a seat and opening his case so he could take out his violin and practice.

---------------------------------------------------

The tension in the symphony hall was thick.

Some musicians only made it through halfway of their audition piece before they were sent out of the audition room. A few of them walked in and then walked out since the maestro and her two colleagues, who were also judges, didn't even want to hear to the piece in the first place. It caused an uproar and loud claims of being unfair, to which the maestro shut it down quickly.

One of the musicians even cried as she ran out of the audition room.

The maestro made someone cry!

San was the last one to audition and some of the musicians that auditioned before him wished him the best of luck while others tried to persuade pressure him into backing out and calling it quits since the maestro has high expectations and San will never be able to surpass them. However, San pushed all of that aside and walked into the audition room with a humble head held up high and a kind heart beating rapidly.

---------------------------------------------------

"Hello. Tell us your name, the piece you'll play, and why you want to be a part of the maestro's symphony."

The colleague named Seonghwa spoke mundanely as the colleague named Hongjoong read over San's portfolio. The maestro sat silently in between Matz with the back of her chair facing San. San gulped nervously and spoke.

"Hello. My name is Choi San. The piece I'll play is actually an original piece I composed. Or rather transcribed I should say."

He quickly passed out three copies of his audition. Seonghwa, Hongjoong, and the maestro looked over the piece while San kept talking.

"The title of the piece is called Everything. It's actually written by my little brother. His name is Choi Jongho. He allowed me to transcribe his song and his dream is to have this performed in front of thousands of people during a symphony concert."

Seonghwa hummed quietly in approval while Hongjoong spoke up this time.

"It says on your portfolio that you were once a world-renowned taekwondo champion. During an international competition however, you pulled a calf muscle, which rendered you down. You've been in physical therapy and picked up the violin as a hobby."

"That is correct." San answered politely.

"So answer me this. Why would you, a former athletic champion, want to join something as spectacular as the symphony? You could've done some other sport yet you chose to dabble in the arts."

San sighed.

"I've been asked this question a million times and my answer will always be the same. I want to make a name for myself whether it be here or somewhere else. I also want to make my family proud. They've always been there for me. Growing up in Namhae, we don't get a lot of opportunities since it's such a small town. My parents worked hard to make sure Jongho and I have a bright future. They also taught us how to be humble and kind whenever we receive those opportunities. I may sound like I'm talking out of my ass, but it's the truth."

Hongjoong sat there in a stunned silence while Seonghwa leaned in so the maestro could whisper something in his ear. San caught a glimpse of a gold ring on her index finger and looked down at his own, smiling to himself slightly.

Both of them wore a simple gold band on their index finger.

Once Seonghwa nodded, he sat up straight.

"Do you have a backing track for this? Most of the other musicians did."

"I do not. However, I do have the piano chords written down."

Matz were pleasantly surprised by this and Seonghwa nodded to Hongjoong. The smaller man got up and San gave him the sheet music. Hongjoong took it and sat at the piano before cracking his knuckles.

"Ok. Whenever you're ready. I can sight read."

San started and got into playing position.

---------------------------------------------------

Once the audition was over, San stayed in that position with his bow lifted in the air until Hongjoong ceased playing. Seonghwa nodded and Hongjoong got up to take his place at the judge's table once more. San got into resting position and anticipated the words of the judges.

"Hongjoong and I already have our opinions, but the maestro herself would like to say her part."

"I'm ready for what she has to say. Whatever the verdict may be, I deserve it."

The chair spun around and San's breath got knocked out of his chest. Standing before him was y/n. She was wearing her iconic pinstripe pantsuit but in lieu of the pinstripe blazer

Was a very familiar looking suit jacket.

"Wait a minute... you're the woman that was under the newspaper stand?!"

A light giggle escaped her lips and San's heart rate increased rapidly. As her heels clicked over to where he was standing, she stared up at him with a soft smile.

"Yes I was. I knew people would do anything to make sure they made it to their audition on time, even if it meant disregarding anyone that was in need of help."

She reached out to him and fixed his tie, the gold ring brushing against the gray fabric.

"You risked being late to your audition to help out someone in need. And I admire you for that."

San chuckled softly while Matz awkwardly looked away.

"Do you even have a kid?"

"No. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that you were a good Samaritan. And you are exactly what I need for my symphony."

After fixing his tie, she took his violin and set it on top of the piano before grabbing his hands in hers.

"You passed your audition. Welcome to the symphony, Choi San. Let me repay your kindness by composing a full orchestral version of your brother's song. You can even conduct it. I'll play for you."

San couldn't help the bright smile on his face as he picked y/n up and spun her around. She didn't mind thought. The feeling of being in this kind man's strong arms felt nice. After he set her down, she spoke once more.

"Shall we get to work?"

[crystalninjaphoenix]

A Respite

Fantasy Masks AU: Chapter Forty-Two

A JSE Fanfic

The chapter's on the shorter side this week. For me, at least, haha. It's only about 5000 words. I've been busy doing seasonal Halloween stuff. Honestly there wasn't much to cover in this chapter, anyway. After the revelation about the spirit, the guys regroup, getting more information from the ghost of King Sam. They camp for the night, and Chase tries to visit Jack in his dreams again, while Jackie expresses some worries he's been having. And yeah. It's a fairly simple chapter. I hope you guys enjoy it regardless ^-^

Previous Part | | From the Start | More AU | Read on AO3: CrystalNinjaPhoenix

Taglist: @brokentimewatch

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chase sat on the edge of the steep, cliff-like hill, looking down into the blasted heath, staring at the cabin and the strange trees in the center. It was hard to believe what they’d learned in there. He looked down at the mask in his hand, tilting it back and forth, watching the golden glitter sparkle in the light. He’d just finished telling the others everything that the Horned Elder One had conveyed to him. Everything about the true origin of the spirit who’d been possessing the King.

“This is... so hard to believe,” Jackie said, leaning back against a tree, his arms folded. “How could none of us have heard of this before?”

“Well, there’s that magic causing the spirit’s identity to be unspeakable,” Marvin said. He was also sitting on the ground, with Draco in his lap, purring. “That’s the reason.”

“No, I know that,” Jackie said. “I know that. In my thoughts, I know that. But it’s hard to accept. King Sam is a legend. His stories have been repeated for ages, over and over! Everyone knows about King Sam.” He glanced at the ghost standing nearby. “Uh...”

King Sam smiled slightly. {Thank you. It’s very interesting to know that I’m still held in such high regard.}

“Of course you are,” Jackie said, awkwardly reassuring him.

What’s your point, Jackie? Jameson asked. Surely you’re not having such a hard time grasping the concept of this strange magic. Even if we’ve never heard of it before, it seems easy enough to figure out. Nobody could say anything about Sam’s brother before now.

“Well I just... I think there would have been some signs, wouldn’t there?” Jackie asked. “We have tapestries of King Samuel, but none of his brother?”

“Perhaps...” Henrik, pacing back and forth, spoke slowly. “Perhaps there are some signs of him, but not many. After all, Samuel lived long ago. Before the alphabet from the east had fully taken hold. So there would not be many writings about him. And in terms of art, well, again, it was a long time ago. Things do not last that long. All the tapestries and songs we have about King Samuel now are based on legends that were passed down from mouth to mouth, over generations.”

Chase looked over at Sam. “Can you... try to explain?”

Sam hesitated. {I can try, but I cannot promise how clear or easy it will be to understand. The unspeakable still has a hold on me.}

“Why?” Jackie asked. “The rest of us can say Aneirin’s name!”

{One thing at a time, please.} Sam held up a hand. {Let’s start with why none of you knew it. I think Henrik’s explanation is pretty accurate. After all... stories change within just a few weeks. Is it hard to believe that some things could be forgotten over hundreds of years?}

“I can understand that,” Marvin said, nodding. “But I’m curious. What... caused this unspeakable magic? Did Aneirin cast it himself? Did the Elders do it? Did you do it, or did you just try to say your brother’s name one day and found you couldn’t?”

{The Elders did not do it,} Sam confirmed. {And neither did I. Either it was a natural reaction from the world, or it was intentionally done.}

“Why would this Aneirin want to be unspeakable?” Henrik wondered.

Probably because it would be easier to operate in secret, Jameson said. He looked at Sam. Was it... like how Marvin said, then? You just one day were unable to mention him?

Sam nodded slowly. {I once tried to speak to a friend of mine about... about the matter. But my throat closed up. And everyone else was the same. Weavers who tried to make tapestries found their fingers stilling. When we began to try and write things with this new alphabet thing, feeling that records would be important, we could not chisel in the letters that spelled... certain things. We talked around the subject. We all knew what we meant, exchanging specific looks. But over time... it became less important. The world moved on. And I could not tell new people I’d met about certain things. And so, the memory died quickly.}

“That’s... that’s sad,” Chase whispered. “To be forgotten so soon.”

“Hey, this spirit is possessing the King!” Jackie said. “He’s done so many terrible things while possessing him! I’ve seen warriors harass farmsfolk to pay taxes that they can’t afford, encouraged by direct orders from the King. He’s trying to build a navy! Probably to sail off and declare war on other kingdoms. He doesn’t deserve your sympathy.”

Chase’s head snapped up to look at him. “I know! I saw him try to kill Sam! His own flesh and blood. Clearly, a man like that, and a man who went to such lengths to get power, does not deserve sympathy.” He sighed. “Still... it’s a terrible thing. And in the end, it’s hurt us more than helped us, hasn’t it? After all, maybe if we knew about Sam’s traitor brother, something would’ve been different.”

Jameson shrugged. I think we wouldn’t have expected the spirit to be him, anyway. Who would expect that?

Marvin nodded slowly. “While people can become ghosts, possessive spirits are different things. And even if people could become possessive spirits, those types of spirits can’t cast spells like the King could. That lightning that Chase and Jameson said he threw at them. And magic doorways. I think we can confidently conclude that the magic doorway that sent the warriors to Wyvernlair was done by this Aneirin.”

Jackie pointed at him. “Okay, that brings me back to a question I asked earlier. Why can we say Aneirin’s name but King Sam cannot?”

Sam shrugged. {Perhaps the Elders were able to cut through that magic for you. Or perhaps it is weaker now than it used to be when it had a hold on the rest of us. Perhaps it is both, combined.}

Chase stared off into the distance, once again looking at the cabin. “It wouldn’t be the first time magic hasn’t affected me. The King tried to command me once, with enchantment. He wasn’t able to.”

{I know that that, for sure, is because of the Horned Elder One,} Sam said. {They’ve paid close attention to you. Chosen you to help. And as someone chosen by the guardian of wild, uncontrollable places... well, naturally, you can’t be controlled.}

Chase blinked. He looked back down at his mask. It still felt strange that one of the Elders chose him for this. They clearly thought he could do it. But...

Well... he hoped that he wouldn’t let them down.

Some time passed in silence. Then Henrik cleared his throat. “Well. Now that we know all that we came here to know... do we just trek back through the Wyldwood?”

Jackie pursed his lips. “That dullahan might still be in the area. I don’t know if we should leave in this direction. Maybe we cross this heath and get up at the opposite end so we can circle around it by a wide berth.”

“We only have half a day of daylight left,” Chase said. “And we... I-I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t think I’m going to be... fully alert while walking. My mind is definitely going to be stuck on this subject. And if the Wyldwood has proven anything, it’s that you need to be alert.”

Are you saying we camp for the rest of the day? Jameson asked.

“Yes. And leave early in the morning.”

Marvin frowned. “I have no objections to that. Well... I have one objection. Can we not camp in this... clearing? It makes me uneasy.”

“Oh yea, I was thinking we’d stay on the edge like we are now,” Chase said. “I don’t want to go back down there, either.”

“Let’s circle around it, then.” Jackie pushed away from the tree. “King Samuel, will you be... coming with us?”

{I can walk to your new camp with you, if that’s what you mean,} Sam said. {But if you’re asking me to follow you on your journey, I cannot.}

“Are you bound to this location?” Marvin asks.

{In a way—}

“Can we walk and talk?” Jackie interrupted—then immediately looked like he regretted that. “Uh, my apologies, King.”

Sam laughed. The sound rang in their thoughts like the memory of wind chimes. {Don’t be so formal, Jackie. Just calling me Sam is fine. I’m no longer the King. A dead man can’t rule over anything, regardless of if he possesses the living.}

Chase got to his feet. “You’re right. That’s not his right anymore, no matter what he thinks he deserves.” He sighed. “Alright. Let’s find a place to camp. Continue what you were saying, Sam. Something about being bound here?”

The group started to walk. Sam followed alongside them, his feet not quite touching the ground. {I suppose I am bound to this location, in a way. But not for reasons you think. You see, the longer a ghost exists, the weaker it gets. I am, as you all have notes, a very old ghost of a man who died long ago. I am thus, very weak. It is difficult for me to... be present. To take form and reach out to you all.}

Marvin nodded along. “Let me guess. Something about the Wyldwood makes you stronger?”

{The Wyldlands are places where magic pools. And magic does indeed make ghosts stronger. But even then, I am such an old spirit that I cannot move far beyond the center of the Wyldwood, where the magic is strongest.}

“We are near the center of the Wyldwood...” Henrik breathed. He looked down into the blasted heath. “That is why that dark deed was done here, then. But in turn, it has left a scar near the heart of this place.”

Marvin growled. “This Aneirin is a real bastard.”

{I can agree with that statement,} Sam said. 

Even though he is your brother? Jameson asked.

“His brother who tried to kill him,” Chase emphasized.

Sam laughed again. {Honestly, Chase, though that is true, I was once more sad than angry about it. Even when I died. It is only now that I know about... about the terrible deed that was done, that my anger has eclipsed the sadness.}

Jackie sighed. “I guess that makes sense. He was still your family.”

“Family can be bastards,” Marvin muttered. “Even siblings.”

Jackie nodded. And after a moment’s hesitation, he reached out and put a hand on Marvin’s shoulder. Marvin did not shake it off.

Henrik coughed. “So... what is it like being a ghost? It must be terribly boring.”

{Boredom is an emotion for the living,} Sam said. {Though I used to get bored very easily, I no longer do. In fact, now that you all have come up with names for some of people’s mental strangeness, I do wonder if my boredom was a symptom of... What do you call it?... Something about distraction.}

“Impulsive distraction?” Jackie asked. “That’s what I have. I can’t imagine not being bored at the first sign of nothing happening.”

“You would be able to cope with the boredom better if you actually took a mind soother,” Henrik muttered.

Sam chuckled. {Yes, that. Though we did not have mind soothers when I was alive. But even knowing a name for it would have reassured me.}

Jameson looked at him curiously. If you’re stuck in the Wyldwood, how do you even know about things like mind soothers?

“Do you know it magically?” Marvin asked.

{Well, I used to be able to move across the whole kingdom as a spirit. No one could ever see or hear me, but I was able to watch and learn a lot.} Sam paused. {The same is true for certain people.}

“Aneirin,” Chase mumbled. “How else would he have known about Jack if he wasn’t watching the royal line in some way?” He shuddered. “A silent presence stalking you down, and your children, and their children, and waiting for one to pounce and... Th-that’s unnerving.”

“Quite unnerving,” Henrik agreed, eyes darting to the side for a moment.

{These are the sort of deeds that turn sadness to anger,} Sam said. 

The group didn’t go all the way to the other side of the clearing, but rather stopped about a quarter of the way around. They found a spot where the trees weren’t so thick and decided that this was a good place to set up camp. Draco settled down in a gap between tree roots and closed his eyes, taking a nap as the humans put out their bedrolls. Sam watched, standing on the edge of the clearing.

“Are you going to stand there protecting us?” Chase asked jokingly.

{If that’s what you wish,} Sam said calmly. 

“Oh I-I mean you don’t have to—”

{Chase, a ghost might not get bored, but I don’t have much else to do. There is no greater priority to me than your safety, and if me being here would help with that, I’ll stay.}

Chase blinked, then nodded. “Th-thank you.”

“Can a ghost do much to protect people?” Henrik wondered.

“He definitely did something to drive off that dullahan,” Marvin said.

“Yeah that sword may be ghostly but it worked enough for the headless bastard!” Jackie agreed.

You were able to cut down a monster with a ghostly blade? Jameson asked.

Sam shook his head. {The slices I managed to get were not enough to fell it.}

“That is still very interesting,” Henrik said.

“And impressive,” Chase added. “Have you... ever fought one of those before? Or are you just that skilled or lucky?”

{Yes, I fought one in a graveyard once, along with some comrades of mine. Fellow traveling companions, I’d gathered a small party by that time on my journey.}

Marvin’s eyes lit up. As did Jackie’s. “We’ve never heard that story before!” Marvin said.

“And I thought I’d heard just about every story about you!” Jackie fiddled with his cape excitedly. “Can you tell us about that?”

Sam blinked, then smiled. {Of course. And you tell me some of the stories you all have, too. I’m sure there’s a lot I haven’t learned about you and the Masked Phantoms.}

As the rest of the day passed, the group sat in a circle, exchanging stories, until eventually they had to eat, digging into their rations for the first time in a while. The strange magic of the Wyldwood had kept them from getting hungry, but now they were near that circle of dead earth, a dead spot in the magic, so they once again felt the rumblings of hunger. After that, they all agreed it was best to try and rest so they could leave early.

Or... try to rest, at least. Because two people found themselves awake as time went on. Chase laid in his bedroll, staring up at the tree boughs, before eventually rolling over to look at where Sam was standing. One side of the camp was darker, as there weren’t any glowing plants over near the blasted heath. But despite standing in that shadowy part, Sam seemed to be outlined in a faint light. He was staring out towards the clearing, but he seemed to sense Chase looking at him, turning back around to look back at him in turn. {Need something?}

“Huh? N-no, I...” Chase looked over at the others, but didn’t see anyone moving. So he sat up, assuming they were asleep. “I’m thinking about Jack,” he whispered. “I haven’t had one of those magical dreams since entering the Wyldwood, and the last one I had was... I-I’m... I’m scared for him.”

Sam tilted his head, thoughtful. {I... understand your worry. I watched over him a little, while I could. He was... a bright, energetic child, and a good, kind man. He... doesn’t deserve any of this.} He made a sighing motion.

“...He’s your descendant, isn’t he?” Chase asked. “You, uh... He looks a lot like you.”

{I know. And I wonder if that’s another reason he was targeted.} Sam shook his head. {I hope I can help him.}

Chase blinked. He never imagined the first King of Glasúil would look so... vulnerable. So much like... like how Chase himself felt. “Yea... me too,” he said quietly. “Look. Do you, uh... do you have the power to... give me one of those draíslings?”

Sam shook his head {I can speak with you in your mind, but as weak as I am, my enchantment powers can’t do much more than that. But... the bridge is already established. Perhaps if you asked the Horned Elder One for help, they will guide you there tonight.}

“...you mean, pray to them?” Chase blinked. “Huh. How have I not thought of that yet?”

{Sometimes the simplest ideas evade us.} Sam smiled encouragingly. {It’s worth trying, isn’t it?}

“Yea, it is.” Chase nodded. He took a deep breath. “Thank you, Sam.” And he laid back down, closing his eyes, silently sending his thoughts into the air. Please, Horned Elder One... he needed to speak to Jack. He needed to check on him. He didn’t care if Aneirin would stab him in the dream again. He just... had to reassure him... that they knew the truth now...

Chase drifted off, but someone else stayed awake, listening to Chase’s breathing slow. Jackie stared out at the surrounding trees. He knew that Sam being here meant that they didn’t have to take shifts to keep guard, but it wouldn’t hurt to look out as well, right? He kept shifting direction slowly, turning back and forth, moving his bedroll ever so slightly occasionally so he could look everywhere. But he couldn’t wake up the others, so he had to be very quiet.

But evidently, he wasn’t quiet enough.

{Is there any particular reason you’re rolling around like a caterpillar?}

Jackie inhaled sharply at the voice in his mind. He rolled over again and found himself staring at a set of ghostly boots. Sam crouched down next to him, waving. “...hello,” Jackie said. “Good evening.”

{You’re really having trouble dropping the formalities, aren’t you?} Sam said.

“Well... you’re the first King!” Jackie sat up, careful to keep his voice down even as he wanted to get loud with excitement. “I grew up hearing stories about you from my mam. I loved hearing about your daring exploits. It... was one of the things that inspired me to be a warrior. To help people and do good, incredible things. Like you did.”

Sam shifted position, sitting instead of crouching. {I came from the same place you did, you know. Not literally. I hear you’re from the west-center farmlands, while I grew up on the island you now call Suilthair. But I mean... I grew up hearing stories and wanting to do incredible things, too. So out of any of us, you and I should be the ones who are least awkward around each other.”

Jackie laughed. “You would think that, wouldn’t you?” His eyes drifted over to the trees, scanning them instinctively. “But as similar as we are, you are... you are legendary. Strong. A protector of good. A leader who looks after people. Everything...” He swallowed a lump in his throat. “E-everything I... want to be.”

Sam tilted his head. {Do you not think you are a strong, protective leader?}

“No, I know I am,” Jackie said. “You’re just... more of it.”

{Well... believe me, I never fully felt like that,} Sam said gently. {Especially after the events you now know about. Something like that does a lot to shake your confidence in your skills.}

Jackie laughed. “I-I guess it would.” He fell silent, continuing to look at the trees, searching for motion.

{You can sleep, you know.} Sam’s voice sounded like a whisper, like a feather floating into Jackie’s mind. {I can watch over you.}

“...I know,” Jackie said reluctantly. “But... I...” He shook his head. “I-it would be better to have two people on watch, right?”

{Not when one of them is an unsleeping ghost and the other is going to soon be exhausted from lack of sleep and too much activity. It was a busy day for all of you.}

Jackie didn’t say anything. He pulled his knees close to him, taking the bedroll with him.

{...there is something bothering you.} It wasn’t a question.

“No,” Jackie denied. “I just... I want to stay on watch.”

{Why?} Sam asked.

“I... I-I just want to. It would be better. If I could help, I should.”

{Because you are the leader?} Sam asked. {The strong one? The protector of others?}

Jackie’s breath hitched. Tears sprung to his eyes, though he didn’t know why. “I... If I have the ability, I... I should, shouldn’t I?” His voice was hoarse. “I don’t... I don’t want anything to happen to them. Especially since I’m weaponless now. That damned dullahan’s axe broke both my swords. All I can really do for now is look out for threats.”

{You can rest,} Sam said quietly. {And be sure that you’re prepared to fight tomorrow.}

“Fight with what? As I said, I’ve lost my weapons.”

{I can help with that.}

Jackie’s head snapped towards him, confused. “Huh? You’re... you’re a ghost, though.”

Sam smiled. {You can say I have connections. But it’ll probably take a while. The night. So, that means that once you fall asleep, you’ll wake up to something new.}

“Hah. That’s the sort of thing my dad would say to me as a child, when I wanted to stay up before the spring equinox, so I could catch the Growing Elder delivering presents. He always said they wouldn’t leave them if they knew I was awake.”

{It’s good to see that tradition persists.} Sam smiled slightly. But then he looked serious. {Jackie... I said we are alike. And because I said that... I know that it’s very easy to put others over yourself. Not because you think low of yourself, but because that’s what you think you should do. As the strong one, the one who is able to keep them safe, you must keep them safe.}

The tears were in Jackie’s eyes again. He looked away.

{But if you push yourself when there is no danger, you will be unprepared for when there is true risk,} Sam continued. {You cannot stay awake all night every night. Please. Let me help you. Just get some sleep, okay?}

Jackie faced him again. One of the tears slipped out but he still smiled. “I... guess I can’t disobey a request from a legend. That’d feel disrespectful.”

Sam grinned. {Still with those formalities, hm?} He laughed quietly. {Get some rest. I’ll keep watch. But I’ll also make sure your swords are replaced.}

“You can do that without leaving our sides?”

Sam nodded. {Magic is a fun thing, isn’t it?}

“It really is. Even if I don’t fully understand it.” Jackie stretched, then laid down again. He turned his eyes away from the trees and up at the branches stretching overhead. Then he snuggled down into the bedroll and closed his eyes.

Sam sat next to him for a moment more, making sure he fully fell asleep. Once he was sure he drifted off, he stood up and returned to the spot he was standing before, making sure that they were safe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chase’s praying must have paid off, because as he drifted off, he found himself in the draísling again. The hallway to the throne room, while recognizable, looked much worse for wear. The walls were darkened with dirt, and the stone bricks had cracked with age, mold lining the tapestries. The Horned Elder One wasn’t here, but they also weren’t here last time. But there was someone else here.

That man from last time blocked the way to the throne room. The man with green eyes, wearing dark leather armor over a green and black outfit, who looked a lot like Jack. As Chase stared at him, he felt that invisible force pushing him backwards. “You,” Chase breathed. “You’re him.”

Aneirin narrowed his eyes. “Get out of here. You don’t belong here.”

“And you do?” Chase asked. “This is Jack’s mind! You’re the intruder.”

Without even answering, Aneirin darted forward. Copper flashed through the air, but Chase was expecting it this time. He jumped back to avoid the slash—but then felt the world start to fade away. “No!” He shouted, focusing. Right, if he stepped backwards, he would wake up again. He needed to get past Aneirin.

Aneirin slashed at him, and Chase cried out, blocking the seax with his arm but feeling it slice through his skin. But wait—his skin wasn’t really there, was it? Why would a wound in a dream do much? Actually—why couldn’t he change this hallway? Just using his imagination? He’d been able to break Jack’s chains in the well just by thinking he could.

Another slash, but Chase imagined a shield, and suddenly there was a loud CLANG! as the blade hit a circle of metal on his arm instead of his chest. Aneirin’s eyes widened—was he surprised? Chase took the moment of hesitation to run to the side, right at one of the tapestries. There was a hidden tunnel behind there! He would make there be!

And there was. There was a tunnel, curving around, leading towards the throne room. Chase ran forward, while behind him, he heard Aneirin screech in anger.

He burst out of the tunnel halfway down the throne room. The whole room was slanted, a hill leading up to the dais, stairs after stairs after stairs. Chase ran, pushing himself as fast as he could towards the throne.

“Chase!” Aneirin’s voice screamed. “You’re going to die!”

Chase flinched, but hurried upwards anyway. He could feel wind pushing him backwards, Aneirin trying to expel him from the dream. He felt pain stab into his back, and cried out. Had Aneirin thrown a knife at him?! He started to glance back, but then the wind pushing him back grew stronger. No! He couldn’t stop for a single moment! He got close to the ground, grabbing onto the stairs for support. A knife flew through the air as he bent down, barely missing him. No time to worry about that! Keep going, keep going!

As he got closer to the top of this dais staircase, he noticed something. The throne was not... exposed. Instead, there were iron bars around it. A giant cage. But through the bars, he could see Jack curled up on the throne. “Jack!” He shouted.

Jack raised his head. That silencing mask was still on his face. Above them, his blue eyes went wide, desperate. Wet with tears.

“Jack, we’re coming!” Chase yelled. “We found something! We know something now! W-we can help you!”

Uncurling slightly, Jack started to reach out to him, the chains stopping him right before he was able to put his hands through the bars. Chase tried to reach out as well—

A scream pierced the air. Chase felt a hand on his shoulder: Aneirin. Before Chase could react, Aneirin pulled Chase off the staircase, sending him tumbling down, down, down. And Chase felt every impact, each one coming sooner as he picked up speed.

Until he stopped, falling flat on the ground. His whole body ached, and though Chase tried to remember that none of this was real, it was hard to keep that in mind when the pain felt so intense.

Aneirin appeared before him, glaring down at him. He crouched down by Chase. “This is my mind now,” he growled. “Your Jack will stay buried.”

Then he raised his seax and brought it down on Chase’s neck—

And Chase awoke, gasping in pain.

Morning had dawned on the Wyldwood. Bright sunlight shone through the tree branches. They must have slept a bit later than usual. As Chase looked around, he saw that the others were still sleeping. Sam’s ghost sat on the ground, facing the clearing instead of the group. He glanced back at Chase, concerned. {Are you alright?}

“Y-yea... I just... I...” Chase swallowed a lump in his throat. “Aneirin was... there. And... very insistent. On me... not being there.”

{...I’m sorry,} Sam said quietly.

“No, don’t be. It’s not your fault.” Chase lied still, staring up at the trees.

Eventually, the others awoke, getting breakfast ready. Chase didn’t say anything about his dream.

Jackie was the first ready to start walking again, pacing anxiously as soon as he was done with breakfast and his bedroll was packed up. The others noticed this quickly. “Are you alright, Jackie?” Henrik asked.

“Yea.” Jackie nodded. “I’m just... ready to go. A bit worried about what we’ll face.”

Sam got to his feet. {Well, I have something for you that will help assuage those worries.} He held out his hands in front of him, palms up. Some silvery light glimmered above them. Curious, Jackie stepped closer. The light grew stronger, brighter. It flashed, and when it faded, two swords were lying across his hands. Jackie gasped. The blades and hilts of the swords were gleaming silver. {These blades should cut down spirits and magical creatures with ease,} Sam said.

“M-magical swords?!” Marvin stammered. “That’s—h-how did you get those?”

Sam smiled slightly. {I have my ways.}

“I... I w-wasn’t expecting... Are you sure, my King?” Jackie asked.

{I’m not a King anymore, remember?} Sam said. {And I’m very sure. These will be very helpful to you. They can also absorb various energies. Magic, but also lightning and fire. Doing this will allow you to use it against others during your next strikes.}

Jackie’s eyes lit up. “That’s... that’s amazing.” He reached out, hands trembling slightly, and took the swords. “They’re... lighter than I expected.” He slid one into the sheathe for his old sword, finding it fit perfectly. Then he gave the other a few experimental swings. “Oh. But there’s power behind this. I can feel it.” He sheathed the other sword and bowed deeply towards Sam. “Thank you, Sam. I-I’m honored. We’ll save the kingdom. I promise.”

Chase recalled his dream, and he nodded as well. “I promise, too.”

We won’t stop until that spirit is taken care of, Jameson said.

“And until Jack is free,” Henrik added.

Marvin simply nodded silently.

{I know you all will,} Sam said. {I believe you can do it. And so do the Elders.} He bowed to them. {I leave it in your hands.}

And with that, Sam faded away, leaving the others to their journey back. 

[fearecia]

Putting this in a pinned post to make it easy to find/share. We all know how Tumblr is about things (and to be fair, I'm terrible and inconsistent as hell with tags).

Link to the "shoulder release" document:

Notes about this guide:

This is a WIP, and still very much in the rough draft phase. Please forgive typos/errors. I literally haven't done a single edit yet.

The document focuses on releasing shoulders as a way to treat neck tension and migraines. Seriously, just trust me. It helps.

Carpal tunnel? Tennis elbow? Golfer's elbow? AC (acromioclavicular) joint injury? Rotator cuff problems? Tight upper back? Sporadic numbness in your arm? Seriously, just try the muscles already listed. You'll likely find at least some relief. Like, if it involves the upper body, release your shoulders.

I've done my best to make this able to be understood by people without massage training. So if it seems like it's covering really "obvious" info, that's intentional. Just skip the section if you already know things.

A lot of massage therapists may balk at me telling you to dig around in your own armpit. We're taught in school to avoid the area. Why? Because there's a crap ton of nerves and blood vessels there. *Which is precisely why releasing this area is so powerful.* There's also a ton of muscle (on yes, basically everybody) here that will protect all those structures. It's honestly really safe so long as you stick to "In pain, refrain!" And read the other rules too.

90% of the time, the culprit is one of the four muscles listed (or any combination of them). If you are someone who exercises a lot/does yoga/is otherwise pretty physically active, you are more likely to fall into the 10% of people who will have their issue somewhere else/it will just be really hard to find. So bear that in mind.

Sadly, this sort of thing will probably never be a "one and done" type of deal. Most of the things we do every day steadily build up to cause problems, and you have to constantly work to undo that entropy. So save these notes for future you.

And just in case you want to know what the hell qualifies me to make this sort of document, here are my "quals."

My first career attempt was nursing. While this did not go well (doctors don't really appreciate autistic students willing to question their authority) I learned a shit ton about the body. I became a student teacher for the anatomy and physiology class because I was so good at it (and that professor used to teach the pre-med students). A&P is now literally one of my special interests.

8 years as a licensed massage therapist focused exclusively on injury therapy. I studied Rolfing techniques, and primarily used trigger point therapy, structural integration, and myofascial release as my tools. Clients liked to joke that going to see me was like seeing the physical therapist (they weren't wrong).

Some of the stuff I share is literally self taught through "following the tension" in clients bodies. Like, I developed some of my protocols. And then practiced and refined them over 100s of bodies. The goal was always the most efficient and least painful way to achieve lasting release.

I eventually destroyed my shoulder doing massage (which was injured long before this career due to an AC joint sprain gotten when I was 20). Bonus, this means I'm *very* practiced at releasing my own shoulders.

I'm now a mechanical engineer, which just means I now have the engineering knowledge to understand to the force transferrence patterns I saw in clients all the time. Kinesiology is the same thing as statics and dynamics.

Hopefully that helps put perspective into things. I'll update this post as new versions of the document come out. I have a ton on my plate right now (who am I joking; I always have a ton on my plate), so please be patient waiting for updates.

[seventh-district]

Could've left me just the way you found me, but you came and put your wings around me. You went out of your way, to fix what you didn't break.

This song is so incredibly Sam & Darlin' coded and no one can tell me otherwise.

[lots of lyrical analysis below the cut] [there's also a short little fanfic blurb of them stargazing down there too (this post got really out of hand lmao)]

For those not fully caught up, note that the following commentary contains various spoilers for Sam and Darlin's stories.

Note: Unfortunately this song is gendered, using the word 'girl' several times. Which sucks a little bit for immersion purposes, not only for keeping Darlin' gender-neutral, but also because I see this song as a duet between them, and Darlin' obviously wouldn't be addressing Sam with the word 'girl' either. So! As with most songs on their playlist, we're just gonna mentally omit any gendered terms we come across.

Side note: Frustratingly, this is one of those songs that didn't really even need to gender the subject in the first place. No part of the story or message is lost without it. But alas, many songs are like that, and so the playlist-makers of the world shall continue to suffer. [/lh]

Anyways, preamble's over. It's lyric time now yay!

Sam's Part

I was a ten-year train wreck

Technically for Sam I suppose it was 13 years, but ten is close enough (and 'ten' admittedly flows a lot better in the rhythm of the song than 'thirteen' would.) Anyways, we're not here to split hairs, (I have to remind myself), we're just here to point out similarities.

In Sam's Dec. '22 HBW, he says "For the last 13 years or so I haven't had to care too much about how I look. Seemed a little redundant after turnin', considerin' I didn't wanna be around much'a anybody anyway."

I think he's mentioned or alluded to that roughly 13 year period of time more than once, but that's the one I remember best so it's the example I'm using. There's still about 4 Sam audios I've yet to listen to as of making this post, so if I'm missing some Key Lore I'll edit this later. But for now, I don't think Sam has given many specifics on exactly how bad things got during that time. Luckily, 'train wreck' is a pretty broad and subjective term, so it easily covers any degree to which he may have fallen apart during those years.

It also feels like a very 'him' way of quickly brushing over the details of his past/his hurt, as he seems to tend to do with Darlin', (not all the time ofc but it's still something I've noticed) putting his own hurt on the backburner to prioritize and attend to theirs. Even outside of his dynamic with them, I think as a healer, it's something he learned to do. And now he does it with everyone. Put on a brave face, compartmentalize things and unpack them later, etc. I could go on and on but there'll be time for that in other posts I'm sure. For now, lets get back to the song at hand.

With a last-call longneck

Due to personal reasons, I've yet to decide if I want to HC him as having used alcohol as a coping mechanism during that time. I don't recall him having mentioned alcohol much, if at all, (maybe one mention of whiskey that I don't have time to find right now) so I don't think it's necessarily canon that he did, but it's certainly possible. My personal preferences aside, I'll admit it makes for some good additional angst. (And- self-indulgently- it makes some other songs on my playlist for them more fitting.) So, for the sake of this song, let's imagine that he did.

I was searchin', I'd been hurt real bad

This one feels pretty self-explanatory given what Alexis did, (and, if you wanna get even angstier with it, whatever his family did earlier on in his life) so there isn't much commentary to add on my end.

I HC that in spite of 'not wanting to be around anybody', he- like Darlin- still had a tiny part of himself buried deep down that was, in a way, 'searching' for someone to find solace in. (No this isn't me projecting onto them both haha what are you talking about-)

Movin' on, gettin' sidetracked One step forward and five back

This is generally applicable enough that I don't feel the need to give too much of a specific example. Anyone who's recovered or is recovering from trauma knows this non-linear, back-and-forth struggle well already, and I'm sure he was no stranger to it.

If I were to give some examples though, I could point to Darlin's (and subsequently, Sam's) encounter with Alexis at the summit, or the shit that Quinn dredged up about Fredrick and threw at Sam in the interrogation room. Those are both more recent examples and I imagine these lines of the song to be coming from a place of him prior to meeting Darlin', but still, they're some instances where I'm sure he felt like the past was pulling him back in. I'm sure that there's been many throughout those 13 years that we were never witness to.

Not your fault, I was scared to fall

This line reminds me of their 'Cuddles and Confessions' audio. I don't think he ever explicitly said he was 'scared' per se, so afaik there's no specific line I can quote, but in that and every audio prior, he was obviously hesitant to admit, perhaps even to himself, that he was gradually falling for them. Even after the initial confession, there's certain limits of his (e.g. biting) that he carries for far longer, and some that I (and others) HC that he'll carry forever. So this line feels to me like him reassuring Darlin' that his reluctance isn't the fault of them, but his past.

Darlin's Part

You were the star in the pitch black Shine the way on the way back

We don't have any canon instances of them comparing Sam to a star, but I can see it being something they'd say (perhaps less poetically, but the sentiment would be there) one night while laying up on their roof watching the stars with him. Maybe they're dead-tired, talking nonsense with lidded eyes at the end of a long day, fighting sleep in favor of more time spent with him.

"What- what're you pointin' at Darlin'?"

Their hazy focus is trained on the brightest star visible in their line of sight, arm stretched out to the sky above them. "That really bright one, to the... to the left."

Sam does his best to follow their less-than-specific directions of 'to the left', their pointed finger doing little to help given the difference in perspective. Luckily, after all these years, he knows this stretch of night sky like the back of his hand, so it isn't hard to locate the brightest one. Ghosting his fingers up along their arm, he takes their hand in his and brings it back down to earth. "Okay, yeah, I see it now. What about it though?"

"That's you." They say, matter-of-factly.

"That's me?" He questions, humor in his tone.

"Mhm." They nod with finality, blinking slow.

Sam considers the odd statement for a moment before gently correcting them. "I'm uh, I'm pretty sure that's Sirius, actually."

They scoff. "I am being serious."

Sam stifles a laugh into their hair. "No- no I mean- like... what's another name for it... Oh! It's also called the Dog Star."

"C'mon Sam, at least call it the Wolf Star if you're trying to turn this around on me..."

He shakes his head and readies himself to explain further, but they cut him off before he can start. "But no- no, this one isn't about me. That's you."

He decides to play along, finding something endearing in their overtired nonsense. "Okay... then would'ja be so kind as to explain to this confused old man just how, or why that star is me?"

Their frown is audible in their voice as they latch onto the wrong part of his sentence. "You're not old, Sam. ...Do I need to tell Asher to kick the jokes down a notch?"

He smiles at their over-protectivity. "There'll be no need for that, now. Was just a joke, darlin', I promise."

They huff, but thankfully shift focus back to the prior topic. "It's... I dunno. It's just you, Sam. It's... bright. Light. Something warm, out there in the cold dark. Standing out amongst all the rest. Calling to me, stealing my attention. I... I didn't come out here looking for it, but there it is. ...There you were. In the dark. The only bright thing I'd seen in... fuck, in years. Years of chasing fleeting warmth, tripping over myself in the pitch black, falling into... places 'n people I shouldn't have. You were the light in that darkness. Even there, surrounded by the ghost of him. You outshone it. Your warmth didn't hurt. I didn't have to squint when I looked at you. You weren't the blinding sun. You were the brightest star I'd ever seen. You guided me back home."

In the back of their mind, they recall something they once heard, something about light, and time, and distance. Space. Something about... how you can see a star that's already burnt out, because it's light hasn't reached earth yet. The ghost of a star that's already died. Only still perceptible thanks to time, and distance.

They remember Sam's words, once whispered to them on this very roof.

"Whatever your choice is... I'm not gonna live forever. I made that decision a long time ago."

They think about dead stars.

They think about time.

"...-lin'? Darlin'?" Sam's calloused hand slides up their forearm, pulling them out of their thoughts. "There you are. Think I lost ya' for a minute there... you good?"

They look up at Sam, concern creasing his features, shadows cast across his face from the light of the dying stars above him.

They reach out, pulling him down into them. Burying their face into his collar, Sam's concern grows when he feels it saturate with tears. A human might struggle to hear their words, muffled against the thick fabric, but his hearing catches it just fine.

"Don't burn out too quick. Please. I still need you here. I don't- I don't wanna be left in the dark again. Please, please Sam. Don't leave me here. I'm not selfish enough to ask you for forever, but please. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet."

.......Whoopsies! Really, genuinely didn't mean to improv an entire scene there, good god. Also didn't mean to swerve hard into angst at the end but uh. that's what came out! so I'm rolling with it lmao. Aaanyways let's move on, it's getting late and this is a song analysis post, not a fic.

Out of nowhere, answered all my prayers

'Out of nowhere' reminds me of Sam's words from the same HBW video I referenced earlier. "You came into my life like a damn wreckin' ball. There was no preparing for that, clothing or otherwise." While those were Sam's words, not Darlin's, I still feel like they feel similarly to how suddenly Sam came into their life as well. (Not in a bad way, mind you!)

[the significance of 'answered all my prayers' edges into my own personal more headcanon-y/personal/OC-ified Darlin' territory, so we can just gloss over this one for the sake of at least attempting to keep this more universally applicable]

Picked up the towel that I threw in Took in a heart that was ruined

Again, largely self-explanatory I feel. (*proceeds to explain anyways*) I imagine that Darlin' was at the point of throwing in the towel, hellbent on a solo-mission to find Quinn regardless of the danger it posed to them. I doubt they were looking toward the future anymore, (to reference Sam,) fully willing to throw themself at their problems until they really did break.

The specific use of 'ruined' hits hard here, because after everything they went through with Quinn, and especially after he recounted it all to Sam in that interrogation room, I imagine that they really, truly did feel ruined.

Showed me the past ain't a tattoo Loved me even when you didn't have to

These lines in particular make me sick with emotion every time I hear this song, because I feel like they hit the nail on the head for how Darlin' feels.

I'll be here citing various quotes all night that I feel showcase that sentiment, but we don't have time for that! So instead I'm just pointing to the entirety of 'Quinn's Aftermath' video, and leaving you with this single quote from it.

"Everything that he said reflects nothin' on you, and everything on him."

Equally Applicable Lines

And I don't know why Why you saw something in me, baby But you saw right through All the pain, and you came and saved me Yeah, I know you didn't leave me lonely Weren't the one that put the heartbreak on me Picked up the pieces It wasn't the mess that you made Could've left me just the way you found me But you came and put your wings around me You went out of your way To fix what you didn't break

Again, I think these lines are all pretty self-explanatory, and are just as accurate coming from either one of them. To me, at least, their entire dynamic is that they saved each other, in their own ways.

(But I will admit, the final verses about 'going out of your way to fix what you didn't break' are definitely conjuring up memories of Sam in the early days, literally going out of his way to visit and heal Darlin' after their fight with the two vamps. In general, his continued/repeated healing of them after they once again hurt themselves is the very literal definition of fixing what he didn't break.

But! While we may have more blatant examples of Sam being 'the fixer' so to speak, I think he'd argue that Darlin' has done plenty fixing of their own. Physical wounds aren't the only things that need healing, after all.)

-------

[shameless self-promo of my Sam & Darlin' playlist for those few of u interested enough to make it to the very end of this wall of text. if u liked this then u might like some of the other songs on there soooo maybe go check it out and maybe perhaps give it a follow so i can get a little serotonin boost or dopamine or whatever the chemical is that's released when Number Go Up. ...okay that's it i hope u enjoyed my fixation-induced ramblings! thank u and goodnight]

[thorfemmes]

Getting Warmed Up

in which Steve blows a tire and no one picks up the phone

a/n: hello friends! I've had this idea stuck in my head for MONTHS now, and this is only part one! I really hope you enjoy, and are having the happiest of holidays. As always feedback and reblogs are greatly appreciated!<3

p.s. it is a travesty that we haven't had a scene with steve soaked in the rain

Rated G: fem!reader, plus size!reader, Steve in a purple sweater

Word Count: 1,505

It was a rainy February morning when you ran into Steve Harrington. The kind of rain that mixed with snow and left a grey slush on the ground. It was on that day that Steve's beloved BMW betrayed him. Well, not really, but he had run over a nail and his tire popped. Now unfortunately, Steve had never learned how to change a tire. His father never bothered to show him and he never thought to enroll in shop class. So now he was here, stranded on the outskirts of Hawkins, miles away from a payphone, and drenched in the freezing rain.

When you happened to drive by, two things caught your attention. One, some poor guy was stuck in the rain with a flat tire; and two, that guy was Steve Harrington.

Steve had never paid much attention to you in high school, both of you in totally different social hierarchies and all of that bullshit. But you had of course seen him, you were even partnered with him on an English assignment once (though you did most of the work if truth be told).

With his reputation preceding him, one might have left him there to deal with it. The man was notoriously known as a massive douchebag, had been for years now. But the poor boy looked so helpless and cold all soaked in the rain.

You pulled over and rolled down your window. "Steve? Is everything okay?"

He looked up, surprised to hear someone calling his name. His eyes lit up with subtle recognition.

"Y/N, right?"

You nodded. "Are you alright?"

He gestured to his car in frustration. "I popped a tire a couple blocks back. And unfortunately I never took autoshop".

"Do you want a ride to the nearest payphone? I don't mind".

Steve contemplated his options. He could stay here and wait for the rain to let up and hope he could find a payphone within a reasonable walking distance. Or, he could take you up on your offer. Only a fool would take the first option.

He scrambled to the passenger's door as you reached into the backseat to grab some blankets. You laid out the blankets on the seat before he sat down. Reaching down to crank the heater, you patiently waited for him to buckle up and get comfortable.

"Thank you, I really appreciate it".

"Of course, you'd have to be evil to let someone freeze out here".

"So you would've picked up any old stranger? What if he was a murderer?"

You smiled softly. "Touché".

The ride was mostly silent, only the harsh blow of the heater and the gentle hum of the radio to keep you two company. You took a deep breath through your nose before clearing your throat.

"So, how has your day been?" You cringed inwardly.

He let out a small laugh. "It was going pretty well up until about two-ish hours ago".

"I'm sorry, it sucks".

"It's all good". You both nodded at his statement.

You came up to a gas station after a few minutes of driving.

"Alright, here you go!"

"Thank you again, you saved the day".

You watched him as he darted to the covered payphones. Something told you to stay close, just in case.

Steve squished himself under the little bit of cover over the phones. He shoved a couple coins in and dialed Eddie's shop. Hopefully they'd still be open this late on a Sunday. He squished the phone to his cheek, listening to the monotonous rings and tried to wring out the rain water from his shirt. The irritating sound of the rings were driving Steve up the wall. Eddie didn't answer, so he tried to call Robin. No answer. He was running out of change and options.

"Fuck," He muttered to himself. One last try, he called Eddie's trailer.

"Munson residence, Wayne speaking".

Steve sighed. "Hey Wayne, it's Steve. Is Eddie there?"

"No, I'm sorry. You just missed him".

Steve hung his head in defeat. "Alright, thanks Wayne. Have a good night".

Steve turned on his heels, surprised to see your car still here. He jogged back over and slid back into the front seat.

"So, no one answered".

You let out a huff of a laugh. "I'm so sorry. I could drive you home if you'd like? Then maybe you could find a tow company to help you?"

"I'm not putting you out, right? I feel terrible that I'm making you do all this".

"You're not making me! If anything this is turning out to be a very eventful evening for me". Steve nodded at you, looking defeated. "Oh! Before I forget," You reached into the backseat again and pulled out an old pullover sweater. "Here, you're soaking wet. You'll be more comfortable".

Steve gratefully took the fluffy lilac sweater from you.

"You don't have to undress or anything if you don't want to! You can just pull it over your shirt if you'd like".

"I don't mind if you don't mind".

You nodded, watching as he shucked his damp shirt off. You quickly averted your eyes from his toned, hairy chest.

Steve quickly pulled on the sweater and was immediately engulfed by your sweet scent. He very sneakily took a deep breath as his head passed through the sweater. Something about the sweater was weirdly comforting. He didn't even know you that well, and yet you had filled his day with warmth.

You looked at him, noticing how the fuzzy sweater was several sizes too big and hung nicely on him, exposing his collar bones. The two of you met eyes, and a heat blossomed behind your cheeks at being caught staring.

"So," You cleared your throat again. "We're off".

The drive to Steve's house was much more lively than the first ride. You filled each other in on what has happened between your senior English projects and now. Steve recounted his days as an ice cream scooper until the mall burned down, after which he sought out a career change and was now one of the resident cashiers at Family Video. You explained that despite having good grades and loads of extra curriculars to set you apart from your peers, not one of the schools you had applied to accepted you. And if they did, tuition cost tens of thousands of dollars that you did not have. So for the time being, you were lying in wait at Hawkins Community College, hoping that your associate's degree would get you somewhere (hopefully a four year university).

"You're still taking classes after everything that happened?" After Vecna tore Hawkins apart is what Steve wanted to say.

"Yeah, most of my family decided to stay. They did end up moving away a few months ago. Totally screwed me and left me to scramble for a place to live. I just didn't want to pick up and have to establish new roots. I moved around a lot when I was younger and it was exhausting. I've only been in Hawkins since junior year, but it oddly feels like home, y'know?"

Steve nodded in understanding. Hawkins was by no means perfect, but he had roots and relationships here. He couldn't imagine leaving, especially everything that has happened. "It sucks that they left you here though. Did you find a good place?"

"Yeah, kind of. I couch surfed for about two-ish months. I had a few friends from my classes that were understanding and let me crash at their place. I eventually came across where I live now. This elderly couple lived in a little cottage on Rose Street, but after the missing kids and the fire and the earthquake they just didn't trust living in Hawkins anymore. They're renting out the house to me now. Nothing too fancy, but it's my home now".

Steve smiled. "I'm glad you finally settled. You deserve it".

You grinned at that.

Time had flown a little too quickly for either of your likings as you pulled up to Steve's house. It was dark, cold even with the curtains drawn close and the driveway empty.

"This is me, home sweet home". Steve joked.

You smiled softly. "Go warm up, hopefully someone will pick up this time".

Steve grinned. "Thank you again, I really appreciate it. Really".

He got out and silently thanked the universe for having the rain let up. He made his way to his front door before dashing back to your car.

"Wait! I still have your sweater on!"

"Hold on to it, yeah? It'll give me an excuse to go and visit you at work. Plus the lilac really brings out the color in your eyes".

Steve grinned and stood up, allowing your car to roll away. Steve finally, finally made his way back into his house just in time for him to answer his phone.

"Hello?"

"Harrington! Wayne said you called, what's up?" Eddie's voice rang through the phone.

Steve let out a small laugh through his nose. "Eddie, you won't believe the day I had".

[whomstress]

Heme no jax (A song for Jax)

First Crush Human au BunnyDoll Fic I promised with the poll on Tumblr!I've been practicing Hula dancing and learning more about Pacific Islander culture and LOVE this video and how the professional hula dancer in this moves. It's just so graceful and beautiful. And the tradition and heart that goes into it really inspired me.

SO I based my obsession of this amazing dance on my current hyperfixation lol. It's short so you can watch it or not but just know that Ragatha is pretty much dancing the same as the woman in the video and she is singing the song in it.

This very much a passion project fic so I hope you guys like it.

It was a beach day again. Caine tried not to do the same thing every day, but of all the time he’s been here, there have been a handful of days by the water. Usually by the lake, but on a rare occasion he’d heard from Ragatha, he’d take them to a room he made. A beach that only reached about a mile around in a circle. Sand, cocunut trees, and the ocean included.

Rolling his eyes, he lazily lays in a hammock under the sun with his hands behind his head and watches the others from behind. It’s been a while since he got some serious sun, and his skin was starting to look more purple than brown, which always rubbed him wrong way. They were all granted bathing suits, and they got to choose, for the most part. He chose to avoid it all together, changing into a purple hoodie and yellow swim shorts. He may be the most attractive one here, but he also had to be humble that way. He couldn’t help but chuckle at his own sarcastic thought.

He looked around at the others, as most of them played in the water. Kinger was building himself an actual sand castle to hide in, while Gangle helped him with her comedy mask intact for once. As much as he hated it, the old man actually had a good body. How did the guy always bend over, like a question mark, and have abs? Gangle, of course, was boring as hell and also sporting a jacket, but it had little cat ears and cat paws to cover her hands. She was hanging out with Ragatha as she went over her encyclopedia of ocean knowledge. As someone actually forced to have stupid animal ears come out of his head. The cutsie jacker made his eyes roll so back in his head that he actually saw black for a moment.

Ragtha, of course, had to be wearing some kind of traditional hula outfit. Cheater. That wasn't in his options. It was a long red dress with many folds that looked fluffy but sturdy at the same time and swayed with every move she made and, whatever that leafy hula hat thing was called on her head. He made a joke about weren’t hula girls supposed to wear coconut bras and grass skirts with a wink, but instead of getting flustered, she gave him a 5-point lecture that he once again only half listened to.

Ever since Caine let them know they were going to the beach Ragatha had practically been vibrating in place from excitement. He never quite paid attention to what she was saying when she’d gush about going to the beach, but since she told everyone and their mother too, he happened to pick up that one of the few things she remembered all this time was her being Hawaiian and having a deep appreciation and “heart” with the ocean. Whatever the hell that meant.

Jax understood her, kind of. One of the few things he also remembered, though he rarely spoke it out loud, was thinking in Spanish as much as English and the food he grew up with. He didn’t like speaking about, and he liked to be left alone about his past.

Not that he’d ever admit they had something in common. Her chipper attitude did get on his nerves at times, but over the years, he’d been there with the variety of characters he’d cycled through. He’d rather have her stick with him this long than anyone else. Kinger was fun to mess with, but he was also so out of it most of the time that his insults and jokes went straight over his head. When Gangle lasted longer than most, she became a new target as well.

There was always something different about Ragatha, though, that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He didn’t like to dwell on it too much, but he did learn when her smiles were fake and rarely true. Though he stayed mostly to himself today, Jax caught himself staring at Ragatha more often than normal. Not that he usually stares, but it was just that her smile was brighter than the damn sun today.

It was… weird.

And it made him feel weird. She’d directed her smile straight to him at times and beckoned him to come over to them as if she genuinely wanted his company for once. He refused every time but something uncomfortable would stir in his chest, seeing her smile fade for a moment like she was upset, he wouldn’t spend time with her. He decided he wouldn’t even entertain a thought of what that could mean, and even with the blazing sun, he forced himself into a sleep. A habit he unfortunately had to learn to do.

He slept in what could only be described as a gentle nightmare. It was the first time he broke down when he got there. The memory of that awful day and all the feelings that came with the realization that he couldn’t leave. He'd tried so many things to get out. But on that horrible, horrible day, he had a nightmare about what happened after running out of options to escape. Everyone was a monster to him, believing they weren’t real. He even threatened Ragatha with a knife he found, but she showed him he couldn’t get a cut on her, and he broke.

This is usually where his nightmare ends, but today he remembered what happened next. As everyone else backed away from his downward spiral, whispering something about "abstraction,” she walked forward. He tried to threaten her again, but she just kept coming. She tried to touch him, but he wouldn’t let her, and when he thought he was at his bottom, he heard a beautiful voice. It was gentle and calm, and even with his hiccups and heavy breaths, he could hear her through it. He listens distantly and slowly focuses. He doesn’t know when he starts to calm, but he’s mesmerized by the voice. It’s in a language he doesn’t know, but it doesn’t matter because his breath begins to even out and his head finally starts to clear. He doesn’t know how many times she’s sang the whole song, but it’s enough times he starts to notice the sounds of the first lyrics when she starts over.

Jax doesn’t know her name, but part of him coming down from his terrible high is taking in every bit of her face. Her eyes were closed, but she looked like a doll. Her frizzy red curls looked like they were soft as yarn, and her skin looked plush. He focused on her mouth and her slightly pink lips as they formed beautifully around her song. Something like a chill comes over him when she slowly opens her red and blue eyes and gently smiles at him. “Are you okay?”

He doesn't answer, but says, “One more time.” He’d never ask again; this is the only time anyone here would see him like this, including her. He says it all in his eyes, and without a word, she nods, starting over.

Jax closes his eyes and waits for the soothing feeling to come over him one more time.

“O Kalākaua he inoa

'O Ka pua mae'ole i ka lā”

His eyes snap open, and he searches for the sound to make sure he hasn’t lost it. It’s sunset, and his vision takes a hit from accidentally looking directly into the sun. As his vision clears, he finds Ragatha dancing on the beach, singing the same song she sang to him years ago. And all of a sudden, he’s back. Back to that day, back to that moment, where he is mesmerized by every one of Ragatha’s gentle moves and sounds.

“Ka pua maila i ka mauna

I ke kuahiwi 'o Mauna Kea”

The way she moves her body almost completely matches the waves behind her, as if she and the sea are dancing together. The movements are so fluid and blend together so effortlessly that it makes it seem easy, but from spying on her trying to teach Gangle earlier, he knows it's anything but. Her dress flows when she spins like a halo around her body.

“Ke 'ā maila i Kīlauea

Mālamalama i Wahinekapu”

Dancing always seemed like a waste of time to him, but watching her movements as captivating as her song, he finally understood why it was a profession. How can someone invoke such beauty and emotion with such a simple melody and sway of the body?

“A ka luna o Uwēkahuna

I ka pali kapu o Ka'auea”

And her song. so kind to the ears. It wasn’t just him. Even Kinger was completely still for once, allowing everyone to lull into a comfort they no longer had the luxury of.

“Ea mai ke ali'i kia manu

Ua wehi i ka hulu o ka mamo”

Anyone could fall asleep to Ragatha like this.

“Ka pua nani a'o Hawai'i

'O Kalākaua he inoa”

He wanted to fall asleep with Ragatha like this.

“He Inoa No Kalani Kalākaua Kulele”

Finally, she finishes with a strong movement, just slightly out of breath, and silence lets the moment of tranquility last a little longer before Cain sets off a confetti cannon, scaring everyone half to death and inviting them to a dinner. Coming back to earth Gangle and Kinger rush to her side, giving her compliments galore, and he watches her as she tries to stay as humble as possible while also showing appreciation for their compliments.

Ragatha is so distracted she doesn’t notice Jax had come closer when Kinger and Gangle started to move toward the feast. She saw him from the corner of her eye and turned to him with a teasing smile to ask, “So what did you..." She paused at the intensity of his eyes and asked, “think?”

Jax stays steps closer, her tan skin glowing with a golden light from the sunset, making her look like an angel in the light. She shuffles a little, uncomfortable under his powerful stare, her face starting to flush pink. She tries to joke, “Was it that bad?”

“What do I think?” He moves closer into her space, and she moves back just a mini step suddenly realizing how much taller he is than her. He looks at her face over like he's trying to memorize what she looked like before slowly moving to her eyes. “Do you really want to know?"

She pauses moment and then nods. Her mouth is slightly parted and he's watching her reaction when his hand moves closer. He brushes a loose curl behind her ear before dragging her fingertips softly across her cheek, making her shiver. One finger reaches her lips and he places the slightest pressure as if testing the feel agaist his skin, and she gasps. "I think," He pauses holding her in anticipation and moves in just an inch closer, but she feels like there’s no space left between them. He looks up back to her face a in a deep blush and hooded eyes and smirks just the slightest bit in pride, moving so he can whisper in her ear, “You're weird.”’

She blinks not registering anything but his hot breath against her ear when he snaps back with a with a wicked smirk and lazily walks away with his hands behind his head. “You coming, or what dollface? I’m starving!”

She’s left there light-headed and breath still caught in her chest, and it takes a moment to compose herself and her flustered nerves. What was he doing? He had never acted like this before, she questioned herself. But what she doesn’t know is that he was asking himself the same thing.

[marvelandponder]

15Qs and 15As!

Thanks for the tag, Marvel, this sounds fun! Tagging: @smallcrystals, @digikate813, @eddiescorner, and @bevinbrand if she feels like it :) Don't dox yourself on the 'where were you born' question tho, y'all. We're better than that. Are you named after anyone? Two people! My Uncle Stephen and my Nana (maternal grandmother). My brother was named after my dad's high school best friends

When was the last time you cried? I think the last time was a couple weeks ago watching anime. I love a good cry, I've embraced that that's how I express a lot of emotions

Do you have kids? Nope! I'd like to someday, but all in due time.

What sports do you play/have you played? I'm not a team sports kind of girl anymore, but I played soccer as a kid and really enjoyed that.

Do you use sarcasm? Usually only obvious sarcasm. Bevin and I will often use excessively obvious sarcasm with each other to express love. A little linguistic game we play with each other. We never enjoy spending hours and hours on the phone together. So unlike us! Where would you get that idea?

What is the first thing you notice about people? First thing? I feel like my anxiety is charge of that: looking out for how friendly they seem, what they laugh at (if they do), how approachable they might be. I had pretty bad social anxiety disorder from like 14 - 22ish and human beings tend to do the social thing once or twice.

What is your eye color? Hazel! Looks brown but up close you can see there's a lot of green around my pupils, too.

Scary movies or happy endings? My media diet is heavily skewed towards happy endings but every now and then, nothing satisfies like a good tragedy.

Any talents? People know I like the writing thing! I'm also learning to draw now and picking up guitar again for the first time since before uni!

Where were you born? A hospital about... 30 - 40 minutes away from me? I don't live in that city anymore, and haven't since I was 3, but we stayed in the same general province!

Don't dox yourself, folks!

What are your hobbies? Writing, drawing, guitar, going for bike rides or walks. Geeking out by myself or with friends! I'm also starting to learn some German and pick up a few more cooking skills.

Do you have any pets? Nah, wish I did. My living situation doesn't allow for it. But my dad has a dog who I love so much and get to visit! And my sister has two cats who used to live with us that are excellent cuddlers.

How tall are you? Uhhhhh I think 5'11? To use ancient Tumblr Lingo: Tol, not smol

Favorite subject in school? In Elementary - Middle School, it was English, because reading and writing. In high school, Psychology, Legal Studies, Guitars, History, or Writer's Craft

Dream job? Cool question, I'mma over-complicate it! For my career, it's either one of two things: Creative and/or helping people. Add another axis onto that: Stability vs. freedom. I like stability. It helps me feel happy and builds self-esteem to build stuff up. So since most of the creative jobs I'd be down to try have a lack of stability (and often crappy working conditions), I decided to start with stability and helping people! My current job is actually the goal I set for myself to get into in 5 - 10 years. So. Whoops! Got in early! I can't stay beyond this year (covering a mat leave) but wow has it been good experience. And it's cool shit that I like to think supports people in building something good for themselves.

Not a ton of creativity though, and so what's cool about life is that the time horizon isn't just right now, forever. The job I'm in now is a dream job of mine based on the criteria I set out (stable, treats me right, and helps people), but I have other dream jobs I'd like to also try out!

For example: I'd like to become a published author! And I'd also like to learn storyboarding to maybe try being a storyboards artist someday, or some job in animation.

What I like about the job I have now, too, is that I still have enough energy in and around my job to have a life outside of it. So I can build the creative skills that'll lead to cool stuff and opportunities down the line.

Having multiple dream jobs I think is realistic. And just kinda fun to not only achieve one thing, but look forward to what else I can do!

[hansoeii]

Hii :) I don't know if anyone asked this bevore, but I wanted to ask what exactly you are studying and if you can reccomend it. I'm currently a bit lost because I'm going to graduate from a artschool (FOS) next year and I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm personally thinking about graphic design (eventhough "production design" is my dream) because I live in Germany. And do you have any job-plans for the future? (Or something you can recommend an artist in a similar situation)

I absolutely love your art (I know this is a bit off topic, but do you use a specific app/website to create your reference sheets?)

Thank you !!

Hey! I don't think I have answered this one on here before!

I always wanted to study illustration, but couldn't really find a good school for it here in germany and I didn't want to study overseas. So instead I went for communication design. It's basically a big mix of everything. Bit of illustration, photography, after effects, 3D, film and a bunch of editorial and graphic design. Most people that study this end up in an advertising agency. That's also what most teachers prepare us for.

Do I recommend it? I gotta be honest with you and say no. But that's mostly because I do not like my school very much. In general it's actually a pretty cool thing to study since you learn SO much from so many different areas, but overall it's quite a headache for me now since I know I wanna work in illustration and not at an agency, but none of my classes really focus on it. I mostly just design ads, posters, websites etc. which isn't what I enjoy doing. It is quite useful to know because it helps me with building my own brand as an illustrator, but besides that it's just a bit...ugh. Unless you actually enjoy graphic design like some of my close friends, then this might actually sound fun to you!

For the longest time I wanted to work as a character designer and work for video game companies and such, but now I've realized that I enjoy illustrating a lot more and I managed to build an audience over the last few years that allows me to go freelance once I'm done with school next year. So my plan is: Go freelance, open a proper shop, attend conventions and do commissions! I'd also love to give illustrating book covers a go if the opportunity ever comes up!

I'm not sure if any of this is helpful to you, but feel free to send me a private message if you want to know more I'm happy to help since I know how stressful it is to not know what you want to do :')

Oh and I just create my reference sheets with clip studio! I just throw all the pictures in there, haha.

Thank you, have a great day!

[spockandawe]

Hi! I'm a newer follower, so I'm sorry if you get asked this a lot. I really admire your bookbinding, and was wondering whether you have any recommendations on good sources for learning how? I've done a bit of reading on my own but it's quite intimidating! Thanks so much for sharing what you do.

Aw, thank you! And haha, you're okay, it comes up occasionally, but it's been a while and tumblr's search function is erratic at best. And I'm pretty sure my answer changes every time! So let's see where I'm at right now.

So, my personal style of learning isn't suited to everyone. I like to throw myself at projects past my skill level, because a lot of my craft hobbies are ultimately about thrill-seeking. I'm launching myself into spaces where an unmitigated success would be delightful but unlikely, and a total failure would be devastating, but I'm pretty decent at hitting the mixed success zone where I don't get so frustrated that i quit. Some people have a much lower frustration threshold than I do, or find the uncertainty much more stressful than I do.

But the end point is that I just yeeted myself into the hobby like 'I'M GONNA BIND THIS WEBNOVEL' despite not knowing anything about anything, and fully aware that I would be unhappy with the results. If I recall correctly, that was a coptic binding of the first half of svsss, and I don't think I ever went back to finish the other half that time, haha. On the one hand, it was thrilling! A book that was only online was now in my hand! And at that point, an official license seemed laughable. On the other hand, wow, this typesetting is bad to look at, the book is too wiggly, and I don't like the open spine. When I did my first casebinding, well! There were a whole lot of new issues, but still, the thrill! It was a flawed book, but a cooler one than I'd ever made before!

My approach isn't for everyone. For me, gotta go fast works, but I've seen people take their time, move carefully, and post a GORGEOUS first book. Mine depends on you having the time, money, and motivation to iterate on your process to improve to the point where you're HAPPY. I learn best by doing, and now I'll go into deeper research dives about like, styles of endpapers, but that totally overwhelmed me when I was starting out, I still get overloaded and frustrated when I read resources by the kind of highly-trained bookbinders who insist there's one BEST way to do a technique, and I get very very annoyed by how some resources make this hobby feel so... inaccessible.

So! Accessible resources. Here's a general list someone else wrote, but I'm going to do my own thing too

https://www.google.com/amp/s/hiveswap.tumblr.com/post/677512645592694784/bookbinding-resources-masterpost/amp

First, let me toss one youtube channel your way. I started casebinding using SeaLemon as a reference. I outgrew her stuff fairly quickly, there are other youtubers who cover a LOT of in-depth ground, but das bookbinding and glenn malkin and company just overwhelmed me at first. She also has another video on making your own bookcloth at home, which is still the method I use for most of my books.

https://youtu.be/Av_rU-yOPd4

Then, communities. I started off in this solo, I was happily chugging along, and a few books in, I was pointed in the direction of renegade publishing, which is a fun collective focused on the binding of fanfiction (though other bindings are welcome too). I'll link their dreamwidth, though they do have other social media too, including a tumblr and discord. There are resources they shared, but I'll call out one in particular. One of the founders has a guide for going from ao3 to book that has seen some traction over the last few years, though like with SeaLemon, I started in there, and soon wandered off to freehand the process instead.

Fair warning, though, their discord (18+, sometimes nsfw) especially is large, and it moves quickly. It's a great place to ask for advice, but there are a Lot of people talking. This may be great for you, or it may be overwhelming! I'm fairly comfortable in there at this point, but I'm an asocial dweeb and it took me a while to get comfortable talking.

https://renegadepublishing.dreamwidth.org/

https://docs.google.com/document/u/0/d/11JyVxeRS8yEWgCYrNMUPlNrEbR5AAD3Z2aDP-QXEP3Y/mobilebasic

Then, a second community! The r/bookbinding discord (sfw). I think they got their start with the reddit group, but they aren't affiliated these days, the name is there for clarity and continuity. The group is focused on general bookbinding, and though fanfic is welcome, it's not a focus. It's a quieter place, which makes it much easier to follow conversations without being constantly online. This one also maintains a list of resources, and they also have channels for newsletters and for youtube uploads from the major bookbinding channels. It's a lovely place as well, people here are nice and helpful

https://discord.gg/thbraMNn

I think that's what I've got for now! My personal recommendation remains to pick a project and throw yourself in, and to deal with any speedbumps as they come up. But SeaLemon is a good starter educational resource, and these two communities are both used to helping newbies through figuring out the process. I hope that helps!