#this post is brought to you by: me waking up at 9:30 pm

[floraleevee]

I think I have a curse on me that makes alarms and such malfunction whenever I try to nap for less than an hour

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 1995 I cannot believe I started another story, but I did. I’ll write about it soon.

Tom’s eating now which takes him forever.

He just got in from working for 4 hours. At the end of each month, they all go in for 4 hours on a Saturday.

The first thing he said was how tired he was, and I told him - don’t worry, I won’t hit him for sex. The guy’s been displaying very low interest in me sexually these last several days, but I got him to go down on me last night.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 1995 I thought I heard tweak daddy either coming or going.

I just typed up my story ideas for Tom and put boxes in front of poor, fair, good, and excellent for him to rate his opinions on them. I’ll also probably write it in regular story form rather than script form and have an anonymous narrator, rather than be a self-narrator if I do a story.

Oh, how I want to wake Tom up for a good screw, but I’m not sure if he’d want that.

Another pair of underwear of mine is ripping. I’ve gotta stop buying cheap pairs and pay a little extra money to have them last longer.

Did I mention yet what Tom said he’d like to do occasionally? I always wished for this to be the case here and there, too. He says he wants to have sex just for him once in a while so he can go slow. (I like it fast) This I’ve got to see! I think he brought this up cuz of how I’ve commented on how sex is for me. All he’ll do is bang away hard, then that’s it.

Again I’m glad I’m sure to win this bet for two reasons. I can’t go 24 hours without smoking! Also, how do you think I’d feel if he could cum for me to quit smoking for 24 hours and he couldn’t cum for the fun of it and to try making a baby? That’d convince me all the more he’s holding back, severely against a kid, and I’m already pretty damn convinced!

Later…

Tom, who’s home now, rated my story ideas. Maybe I’ll do something later.

I just logged off from AOL only to continue getting nowhere with it.

Got the two flags from my parents today, but there were no pictures. They sent two packets of daisy seeds, a Halloween flag, and a cat flag. No flamingos.

What amazing luck. Andy had heard about the letter of mine he posted. If it were me who lived there and posted it, I’d never hear a damn thing about it.

Anyway, there had been this guy Andy liked who lived right near him so Michelle went over and told him. It turns out that this guy’s also gay, his name’s Andy too, but is fucked up. He hacked his wrists up over losing his job, a boyfriend, and a girlfriend. This guy’s bi, actually. So, the guy mentioned how someone wrote no fudge packers on the sign with all the pool rules and how he found an anti-gay poem by “Mystic” and was very nerved up about it. This is stupid of Andy, which he now realized, but he told the guy it’s not an anti-gay letter, it’s a letter and not a poem, and I’m Mystery, not Mystic. He probably thought it was anti-gay cuz of the way I began the letter, Yo Femmy! We gays/bis do that at times like blacks call each other niggas.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 1995 “Last night I got so bad I kept hitting my head on the bunk above mine. One time I almost knocked myself unconscious. Not intentionally, I just keep forgetting to duck.”

The above was Bob’s latest funny statement to Kim. She sent me a letter along with a 9-page letter he wrote to her.

I will be back to write more later.

Later…

There have been so many things I planned or thought of writing but never got around to it for various reasons, so I’ll just try to remember as much as I can.

I called my parents. They got the envelope with the flowers and fish I drew. He says they’re sending me two flags. A Halloween one and a flag of pink flamingos. Tom and I will like that.

He also says Ma may have thrown in some pictures.

Now for last night’s observation of tweak daddy. Between 10 - 11 PM, the newspaper was gone. Tom said he saw the blinds being washed out back when he went up on the roof. After midnight I saw him painting. It’s amazing how this guy never sleeps.

Tom says that means it’s not selling as fast as they’d like and that they’re getting anxious. I’m surprised they didn’t paint right away with the way kids scribble on walls and smear food all over them.

This is day 4 of having only 20 cigarettes a day. Yesterday I had 1½ leftover.

I saw a commercial about an ovulation predictor test. I knew the couple weren’t actors since the woman was huge. The funny thing about it was when they said it pinpoints the 72 hours a woman is most fertile.

“Most” fertile? I thought you were either fertile or not fertile. I didn’t know you could be kind of fertile. Also, why do people need these ovulation predictors when all they need to do is count 14 days after the first day of their period?

Speaking of my period chart - I checked and realized I counted some of the numbers of days between periods wrong, so I’m not even gonna bother counting my 1996 periods. Just mark the dates I’m flowing.

Checked AOL’s newsgroups and got knocked offline twice. Still, I never found anything of interest. Tom said don’t worry about that, just get familiar with it. Is he covering up his patience game by having me do useless stuff?

Last night we were talking about how we grew up differently and how material things spoil you. Is he trying to “unspoil” me by putting off stuff if he isn’t trying to instill patience in me? I reminded him, though, that I never did get a lot of the things in life I’ve wanted. I’ve gotten very far from all I’ve ever wanted.

Later…

I’d really like to screw now, but Tom needs his sleep. He’s a lousy pussy licker when he’s tired, too. Then he’s either not quite in the right spot, too slow, too light, or too hard.

Andy mentioned going job hunting the other day. I wonder if he found anything.

I stood on the chair by the window in the music room to spy on next door. I didn’t see anyone or any vehicles. A dim light was on and the windows were wide open. Not open to the screen; nothing was covering them. They haven’t put the blinds back up yet. Must be waiting for the paint to dry.

Earlier, when I came into the living room, Tom teasingly asked, “Did you come to fight with me?”

So, I asked him if he was trying to unspoil me and if he isn’t trying to instill patience in me. He said no, but I’m not so sure he’d admit to it if he really was.

In one more month, I’ll have been writing for 8 years. Wow!

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 1995 I can’t sleep, so I thought I’d write. Boy, am I gonna be exhausted when that alarm goes off in 7 hours!

How fucking weird. At 10:00, I saw tweak daddy next door, but I never saw a car or van. It looked like he was doing something to the poster that was in the front living room window.

Just now, though, I noticed he put newspaper over the two side windows facing our house. With blinds in there, why would he do that? Did he take the blinds down, but put up the newspaper to hide the fact that the house is vacant which is very obvious anyway?

I highly doubt anyone noticed me spying.

Now there’s a white car in the driveway.

I’ll bet he took down the blinds and put up sheets of newspaper for privacy for meeting a mistress in there. That car must’ve been hers. Or his. You never know. Or maybe he’s doing something illegal in there of some kind. All I can say is that these people are weird! Always have been, and always will be. If he’s screwing someone in there, why go to the extreme of putting newspaper up? Why not just get down on the floor and screw with the lights off? Maybe the newspaper is so they can talk, eat, drink something or do whatever after they screw, but they want light for it and not to be seen. Why put newspaper on the sides of the house, though? What does he think I’d do - try finding a way to tell Lenore? Maybe it’s the girl next door on the other side of their house. Maybe they don’t want her boyfriend or husband to peek in on her if he were to go looking for her if she does have a boyfriend or a husband.

Later…

I woke up sooo tired at 7:15. Then at 8:50, I napped for a little over an hour. I prayed for help on this yesterday just to end up taking a nap. It sure makes me feel like a failure. If being a mom means being more tired than that 7 days a week, then there’s no way I can do it. There’d be absolutely no way I could ever handle it. Even when it does get to the point where they sleep all night, for the first 4-5 years they’re home all day. I couldn’t be sleeping when I’m supposed to be tending to its needs and keeping an eye on it.

What I need to do, though, is to stop saying what I would not be able to do with a kid, cuz there’s never really gonna be a kid no matter what he says or what I sense.

I sensed Robin after I prayed, which I’ll expand on later. Meanwhile, I find it ironic that videotapes are all playing with white fuzzy lines of static through them right after she visits.

Also, I think over the last couple of days since I prayed God did give me a sign and answer some questions.

Cutting down smoking was so much easier yesterday, suggesting that God just might want to help me with that and that He does think it’s an important issue.

Today’s sign was definitely reminding me that I can’t handle a kid. Maybe that saying about how God doesn’t give us more than we can handle is true for some people and I’m one of them. Should I even ask Him for a child when the answer seems so obvious? Should I just stick to the smoking, the Robin case, and do whatever I can do about the sleeping schedule?

Later…

I hope this journal will bring better luck with the issue of smoking, sleeping, and Robin. Yes, the kid is hopeless and I do see more and more why it’s not meant to be. Do I still have hard feelings, though? Yes. Especially when I see people with worse problems than I’ve got getting pregnant.

Right now I’m gonna go begin searching through those thousands of newsgroups.

Later…

I searched through some newsgroups for a while until I got knocked offline. So far I haven’t found anything.

I forgot to mention more about next door (my other case). When I saw him in there last night, I thought I saw the handlebar of a bike and saw him ride away on a bike this morning. If he could ride here by bike, then I don’t think they moved very far. But whose car was that which left shortly after he did? Why would he come stay at the house from 10 PM - 8 AM? He couldn’t have gone to sleep before I did which was around 1 AM, cuz I saw lights on through the newspaper. How the hell does this guy manage to sleep 4-5 hours every night? I’ve seen lights on very late at night and Lenore says he played the piano late at night.

If they weren’t desperate for a bigger house right away and if they are staying in Phoenix, why did they move before the house was sold? It really does sound like they’re running from something and hiding out.

Tom said the poster in their living room window has been gone for 3-4 days (the poster that mentioned the house’s features).

I still am baffled as to why he put newspaper up when all he had to do was pull the blinds down. He must’ve either taken the blinds or is trying to hide the fact that the house is vacant. Newspaper doesn’t do it, though. It’s obviously vacant without newspaper and even more so with it.

Tom said maybe he saw me spying. I highly doubt it. Plus, I saw him put newspaper in the front window which I can’t spy through.

When I got up the first time this morning, Tom was getting ready to leave. I commented that I wasn’t sure about the smoking and schedule thing and that there was no way I could have a kid. He said, “OK,” in such a relieved tone of voice. A tone that said, “Yeah, I know that’s not what I want. Thanks for saying that, though, cuz I haven’t been able to tell you the truth.” He’s told me by his actions and in his own little subtle ways. Like when he says shit like, “What are you gonna do? Go out and cheat on me to get pregnant?”

Well, I don’t feel good enough to be a mother cuz of my sleep schedule, he won’t quit playing his games, so I guess I would rather be miserable with wanting one here and there than miserable every day due to never sleeping enough and all its other hardships.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 1995 The good news is that the sleep schedule’s going well, as well as cutting down on smoking. My lungs already feel a great deal better. I haven’t been waking up wheezing and this morning I only needed one shot of my inhaler. However, I am so tired this morning. I could’ve easily slept until around now. I had the alarm set for 8:00, then when it went off I hit the snooze for half an hour. Soon enough, though, I’ll wake up and feel more alert. The important thing is that I don’t feel sick. Thank God Tom hasn’t woken me up like I figured he wouldn’t. All he does is brag about the idea of sleeping a few hours, getting up and screwing, then falling back asleep for a few more hours. I said, “Tom, you’ve never woken me up for that and I certainly can’t see it as something you’d do.” His answer to that was, “You don’t know me.”

Ah, but I think I do.

I wish I knew what in the hell happened to a certain diary I had when I was around 13. I was in 7th or 8th grade and we lived in the second house we had in Longmeadow. We lived on Berkeley Dr. till I was around 12 and then on Birchwood Ave.

Anyway, in the second house, I remember having a small diary. I remember writing all kinds of BS in it, mainly about fantasies of women I had crushes on. I don’t remember what I last did with it. I never remember throwing it out and I never saw it again after becoming a ward of the state and leaving home pretty much permanently till age 18 at 15. During the ages of 15-18, I’m sure my mother went through whatever stuff of mine that was still left at the house. That diary included. How embarrassing! If my mother really did get ahold of it, and I can’t see who else could’ve, I’m sure she read it.

Later…

I’m making a chicken pot pie now. In the meantime, I found something Sarah said in her letter pretty ironic. About how she wants to feel and believe in God. Wants a sign that He exists, but sometimes she doesn’t have faith cuz of certain things that happen. Does that sound familiar, or what? So, anyway, I finally decided to do what I’ve been debating on doing for some time now and that’s to pray consistently. The worse that can happen is nothing. In my prayer, I explained my feelings. I don’t feel it’s necessary at this time to pray for help with the singing. Not with Tom around and his equipment and our plans and ideas combined. I did pray, though, for help on being able to keep cutting down on the cigarettes and possibly quit eventually. For help in finding out Robin’s name and if she’s dead or alive. For help getting pregnant or being able to accept and deal with never having a kid if that’s not in the cards. Tom told me yet again the other day that he felt God wanted and had it planned for me to be a mother, but wait till I tell you this! I know this sounds crazy and it really shocked the hell out of me. Tom didn’t seem shocked at all and it very well could be a false vibe, cuz that can happen when you want something. Although slight, I had the surest vibe ever that I may have a kid in 1997. The first month that came to me was January. The second month that came to me was September. How weird, huh? Like I said, though, it may be a bogus vibe, cuz I don’t see how the hell a child could fit into our cards. We don’t “qualify” and due to already being blessed with so many other things, what makes me think He’ll spoil me? No one gets it all.

Later…

Just ate that chicken pot pie. Now I think I’ll go start a letter to Sarah.

Later…

Shit! Fuck! Damn! Someone’s moving in. I thought I heard a dog in the truck or house which I assume will be kept out back 24/7 like all dogs are out here. All I saw was one guy around 25. He looks like a roughneck. The type to drink, do drugs, be a slut, and blast his music. He’ll probably have shitloads of company. This guy definitely looks like the dog and kid type. Don’t get me wrong, I believe 80% of the male population is anti-daddy. It’s just that most guys are irresponsible sluts who don’t give a shit how many women they knock up. He also looks like the type to attract irresponsible women. The type that doesn’t want kids, don’t think they’ll get pregnant cuz they don’t want them, but get pregnant anyway. Either that or they’re all too drunk or stoned to be responsible. I know I’m sounding very paranoid and judgmental, but I know just the type God would send me for a neighbor. Also, the M’s were quiet for 5-6 months, the music people have long been gone, so now it’s compensation time.

Later…

I just talked to Andy quickly and now he’s off to work. He’s vibeless as far as next door goes, but now is the perfect test for Robin. She told me I had nothing to worry about, so we’ll see. Andy said that maybe the guy lives there by himself. I doubt it. If so, all the more he’s gonna have company like crazy. Especially at his age. He could just be helping whoever else moves in there but doesn’t live there himself.

I also don’t remember seeing a sold sign out front and Tom didn’t mention seeing one, so who knows the scoop on that?

God’s gonna get me on this either way. If it isn’t lots of noise from whoever lives there, then it’ll be lots of noise from visitors. What’s weird is that so far I haven’t heard a damn thing. No dogs or kids, so obviously they’re not over there yet. They must be staying back at the old place so as not to get in the way of moving.

One good thing about our illiterate, game-playing mailman is that within a month or so, I know I can expect a piece of their mail. This way I’ll know their name which is always a nice thing to know.

When the M’s moved in, it was like, damn! They came in slamming, shouting, screaming, sliding, knocking, and banging up a storm! The whole street had to know when they arrived.

I’m gonna go out back now.

Later…

I didn’t hear anything out back. When I went to check for packages, all I saw was the truck with its back door open, but no people. I’m now sitting by the window in the music room and I still can’t hear anything going on, so obviously they haven’t brought the kids and dogs. I never heard any kids looking at the house with anyone, so the kids never came with them, or I was asleep. If the guy I saw is gonna live there, then at his age, what does he do to afford the down payment? He looks like he might be a construction worker. It’s so much easier to afford a house here in AZ and the down payments are so much lower, but 2-5 grand is still a lot of dough by itself.

I know it sounds funny for me to ask this, but why is it so quiet? I don’t even hear furniture moving, let alone voices. I’ve just got to enjoy it while it lasts cuz I’m sure that either later today or by tomorrow, those dogs and kids will have arrived.

Later…

Oh, goody! It was just a false alarm next door. I’ll get into that after, but first I’m gonna write my usual prayer to God and show it to Tom.

Dear God,

They say that Jewish people don’t usually pray, but a friend said it’s OK for anyone to do so.

I know there are people out there who need Your help more than I do. Also, I fully intend to put forth every ounce of effort I possibly can to obtain the following goals. However, if You (along with my husband) can provide me with extra strength to accomplish these goals, I’d really appreciate it.

Please help me keep doing well by cutting down on cigarettes and even possibly quitting someday.

Please help me to keep a schedule Monday - Friday.

Please help me find out who “Robin” is and to make contact with her by mail or phone to thank her for being so kind to me years ago if she’s alive.

Please help my husband and I complete our sex life and please allow us a child. If a child is not in our cards, please help me to be able to accept it and deal with it.

Later…

Right now Tom’s setting up the computer to show me how to research the Robin case.

Anyway, when Tom came home he told me there was no sold sign and that someone just used the driveway to park there. The truck left at 3:30. No wonder I heard no dogs or kids.

I have a moderate vibe of someone moving in in mid-October which makes sense. It’s cooler then, so all the more the kids can be out playing. I believe October is when the M’s moved in in 1993.

Later…

I’m out in the living room now with the TV on.

Tom showed me how the newsgroups on AOL advertise and leave messages about all kinds of things. There are people looking for pen pals and there are groups for businesses and just about every subject imaginable. So, my job is to find a group that may contain someone who may have attended the camp. Once I find the most promising areas, we’ll post the message and hope that someone will know something. Tom’s still sure that we’ll get a name. I asked him what the chances of people who were at that camp back then would be at having computers. He said pretty high since it was a Jewish camp that wasn’t publicly run like Girl Scouts or something like that. Also, he says that other campers that were there in the mid-70s are now young to middle age and according to Tom that’s the prime age group for those who own computers.

Later…

I’m watching an old rerun of Law & Order.

I didn’t write about the “thought test” Andy and I did yesterday. I told him to think of me anytime between 3 PM - 9 PM and that I’d let him know if I sensed it and at what time. I also told him to think of me before he was going to bed when I’d be asleep to see if I dreamt of him. I didn’t have any dreams at all and I sensed him thinking of me at 4:50, but he said he did at 3:30. Oh, well. Maybe it takes time for the thought waves to travel, as Andy said.

Later…

I’m watching Dateline now, a news show. The talk show business sure has grown. Just a few years ago there were only about 5 talk show hosts. Now it seems there are 15-20.

Soon I’ll be listening to music, then hopefully falling asleep not too late.

I just watched an interesting case. A guy was charged with assisting the suicide of his wife for the first time in Florida’s history. She was really upset, threatened suicide, the guy threw her a loaded gun and she shot herself. Naturally, he got off. Also, naturally, the guy jurors were more on his side than the woman jurors.

Tom read my daily prayer which I’ll do as consistently as I can for a while. He liked it and he believes my praying will work. That’d be nice, but we’ll see.

Earlier I made the comment to Tom that I hoped that I didn’t get my period too early again next month. We’re in the 9th month of the year, but I’ve already had 10 periods. He said he didn’t think I would, and that was just his opinion. Really? How does he come to that opinion? I never bothered asking. Is he considering the deadline for his date and other reasons why he just may let himself go? Nah - I’m not gonna bother trying to read silly things into his opinion due to my wishful thinking.

Now they’re discussing how closing arguments in the OJ case have begun. Closing arguments will go on for weeks. They say he’ll either be convicted, acquitted or there’ll be a hung jury.

He won’t be convicted.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 1995 Got my period two days early.

At the end of last week, I got another 10-page letter from Sarah. It was really great. She really is a great writer and the best pen pal I’ve ever had for sure. Today I’m sending her 6 drawings. One of a girl I copied and some of Linda and Gloria. I’ve also got 10 animal pictures that I’ll be sending her in the near future.

Last Saturday at 5 PM, a couple of kids started to play basketball next door. Tom said that kids aren’t stupid and that if they see an obviously vacant house, they’re gonna want to use their basketball hoop. Great. That’s all I need till there are kids living over there that’ll be doing this every day for hours. The good thing about it was that they quit as soon as they started.

Tom put up the little white plastic shelf that I had in the bathroom on the wall by the side of the waterbed. This way I can have coffee without having to always hold it in my hand and worry about spilling it on the bed.

More accident news concerning Gloria. She and her husband are fine but apparently, their boat collided with someone else’s. I believe another couple was on the other boat. The woman survived, but the guy’s dead. Authorities say that Gloria and Emilio did nothing wrong, but they’re still investigating it and Tom said he heard that they’re gonna check Emilio’s alcohol level. I’ve never heard of him having a drinking problem, but we’ll see. You never know.

See what I mean about every blessing coming with a burden? Gloria got to break her back for reaching the peak of fame, and now this for having Emily, which was very doubtful cuz of her back. Makes me wonder what would happen to me or both Tom and I if we could have a kid and that kid would be a miracle kid too, just like Gloria’s what with the way he is and cuz of the DES.

We started yesterday with a new experiment as far as cigarettes are concerned. For a while there, I had been smoking approximately 25-30 cigarettes a day. We’re starting with a pack a day. I take a pack for the day and he’s gonna find a place to hide the rest of them. We’re gonna do this for a while till I get used to that, then we’ll probably have me smoke less. Also, if I have cigarettes left over from certain days, that gets taken and hidden away by Tom. He said once it equals 5 packs or so, I can buy something with that money. 5 packs usually cost about $8.

Tom said, “I could take all your cigarettes and tell you that I’m not buying anymore, but that way you’ll just freak out and crave one till you can get one.”

This way, we’ll wean me down without freaking me out and hopefully, I’ll be able to deal with the cravings without going bonkers.

Tom thought it’d be best if I do what he does and catch up on my sleep on the weekends like most people do and like I used to do when I was in school. So far it’s been working out fine and I hope it stays that way. Another scary thing about having a kid is that there’d be no catching up on sleep for years!

Tom said that tomorrow or Wednesday he’s gonna show me how to do the next step as far as finding out about Robin over the Internet without having to wait on him. He said it will be time-consuming, but this way I can be a detective on my own and have fun doing it and surprising him with whatever I may find out like I love to do. Great!

Later…

I just talked to Tammy who had her woodstove on! Haha! It’s only 50º there and it’s around 30º at night.

I also asked if Bill was OK, and she asked what kind of vibe I felt. Nothing too serious, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

Anyway, last Friday night wasn’t too cool for me. I was PMSing pretty good and the anger at Tom and God was pouring right through me. I told him to stop teasing me with sex and the kid. I got the same reply as I always do.

I asked him what he thought about going to a doctor and telling them about our situation and seeing if they can find a way to get his sperm into me. I’m sure they can. He said not till we try ourselves. Oh yeah, that’s right. We’ve only screwed a few times. All the times before didn’t count.

In fact, just the very next day he teased me again. We were lying in bed discussing how great it’d be if I could quit smoking. Then I said, “So, give me a reason to quit for 24 hours.”

He said OK yet he never came a drop.

Then he told me later how I “misunderstood” him and that when he said OK, he meant he was trying to by Oct. 15th. Whatever. Then I said, “I know you. You’ll only do it once, when I can’t get pregnant, just to have me stop smoking for 24 hours, but not cuz you want to.” Then he said that a bet is still a bet. Fine.

Sometimes I just can’t deal with this alone and it just freaks me out. I feel that all I can do is get through the 5 days or so out of every month that this happens all by myself till it goes away. When I’m having anxiety about these issues, it feels like they’ll never go away.

No, we didn’t end up screaming and swearing at each other or threatening to leave each other and I felt better soon enough, but I just wish there were an end to this shit!

The weekend was great, though.

Later…

About the weekend - Tom recorded himself playing some keyboards. He says he’s so out of shape playing, but he sure is better than I ever was. The difference between my playing nowadays and back in 1989 is pretty sad.

We went over to his parents, but they were out. So, Tom took his key and we went in anyway. Tom did about 20 minutes of work on their computer.

She really did hang up the puzzle in her hall. Very crooked, though.

I can see where Tom gets his living style. Their house is absolutely filthy! Not one picture on the walls was straight. There were food crumbs all over the table and windowsills. They obviously quit dusting and vacuuming a long time ago. There was clutter everywhere and papers all over the floors. The walls and ceilings are peeling and dirty. I’ll bet that the only reason why that house never reeks is cuz they always run their EC or have the door and windows open. I guess raising 5 kids will do that to you. You get used to living where things are messy, cluttered, and even filthy, cuz that’s how it is with kids. Unless you’ve got a mother like I had. No thanks.

Afterward, we went to Denny’s, then to Old America where I got a puzzle. It was of paperweights of 35 different colors, designs, and patterns. I finished it in less than 5 hours and it’s now on the wall in the music room.

Surprisingly enough, I am seeing a slight improvement in my nails. Tom noticed it, too. Guess I’ll keep taking those calcium tablets.

Tom’s not home now. He will be soon, though.

I threw Tom off. I really began my period on the 24th, but said I began it on the 23rd. On the 8th, which he’ll think is 14 days after my period, we’ll see if he’s conveniently unavailable to screw for whatever reason.

God, cutting down on the cigarettes has been hard! I want one now but know I should wait at least 45 minutes.

Later…

I spoke to Andy earlier who agrees more and more that thought vibration really exists. He said he had been thinking of Marla a lot the night he had me call her and that when she called him, she told him the same thing. So, if Robin’s really alive, she was thinking of me for sure when I first wrote about her, according to Andy. Yeah, I believe thought vibration could really exist, but only if the two people know each other. For example, I don’t exist in Gloria’s life, she doesn’t know me, therefore if I were to think of her, she couldn’t possibly think of me, too. Andy said you just don’t always know who starts it. However, it seems that all my thoughts and experiences with Robin just came to me suddenly. No events or anything seemed to lead to it. I asked him, if she were alive, does he think this means that she started to think of me first? He said yes.

Later…

Got a letter from Kim. She also sent two pictures of her with two other fat ugly women. She and one of the women were wrapping the other woman’s hair. This was in Greenfield. She said that if I send the pictures back, she’ll send them to Michelle. She didn’t look too bad in these pictures. I’ve seen her take worse pictures. Her hair still looks the same, as well as her clothes. She still wears that beeper that goes off every 5 minutes.

Andy and I were discussing what little we know so far about Gloria and Emilio’s boating trouble. He said their boat didn’t look as spectacular as he thought it would and it reminded him of the cabin cruisers we’d see around the beaches in CT. He pointed out how those things can go pretty fast and therefore, someone had to be going really fast and maybe was drunk for such an accident to occur. The other couple was actually riding a water jet skier and it sounds to me like they may have been drunk or careless cuz it’s a lot easier to maneuver a 32-inch boat such as Gloria has. I’ve never heard of any report concerning Gloria or Emilio drinking or doing drugs, but they’ve got kids, so who knows, even though I doubt it as Tom does. I told Tom and Andy that I felt that even if the pigs found they were obviously drunk, they wouldn’t get arrested. Every pig loves a show. Especially one that’ll give them publicity, but mostly I feel they’d let them off the hook cuz they’re rich, famous, and have kids. Tom said it’s the other way around. That pigs are more conscious of shit involving the rich cuz they don’t want the rich to feel they can get away with shit. Maybe, maybe not, but O.J. Simpson’s gonna walk, I’m sure. The jury is probably terrified to render a guilty verdict due to fear of another riot.

We screwed earlier and now Tom’s watching TV before he crashes. At 8:00 I’ll be watching a movie, then will probably crash around 10:00.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 1995 Tom’s in the shower now. After, we’re gonna go over to his parent’s house, then out to eat.

I have a lot to write about, but I’ll have to do it later.

Oh, got another letter from Sarah yesterday.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 1995 It sure is hot out. There’s not one cloud in the sky, yet it feels humid.

Boy, was I sexually frustrated this morning! And a bit confused last night. Last night I thought we both understood that he’d go down on me and then we’d screw. Well, he went down on me but said he’d prefer to screw in the morning. I thought it was cuz he was tired, but then he was working on something in the back room. So then I said I’d like to ask him a question so I could better understand him. He said sure. I asked him how he had the gusto to work on stuff, but not to screw. He said, “I do have the gusto. I just prefer the morning. Can’t we do what I want?”

But all we do is what he wants.

Then he also said he still enjoyed going down on me, even though he was the doer and not the receiver. It got him hard and feeling good.

Weird!

Afterward, he did go in the bathroom for a good 10-15 minutes or so and it didn’t smell like he took a dump, so he very well could’ve relieved himself.

My guess as to why he chose not to screw last night is probably cuz he was built up enough and feared he’d lose control and cum. He really does seem to not only enjoy making me wait on stuff but also enjoy teasing me sexually. I don’t think he enjoys teasing me sexually as much as whatever’s up there, though.

Also, we discussed this waiting shit which I’ll get into in a little while.

Later…

Tom brought up a good point about why things get delayed. It’s hard to prioritize them at times. For example, the bed is a high priority, but we can’t treat it that way cuz we won’t have $600 to spare soon. Especially if we’re gonna save up to go back east in May. Priorities can abruptly change too, throwing off all the original plans. I may prefer a kid over going back east, but I know that’s just a fantasy, therefore, I’m gonna strive for the trip in May. Now, he says he prefers the kid over the trip too, but I know that’s bullshit, therefore, I’m sure he’s really knowingly, intentionally, and willingly doing all he can to enable us to go in May.

Well, I covered what was confusing and weird last night about sex (that’s Tom for you) and now I’ll cover what had me frustrated and a bit pissed. We fell asleep together last night saying we wanted a romantic morning (this morning). But what did I do at 5:00 when his alarm went off? Woke up wheezing. And he says it’s not a coincidence and that nothing’s trying to get in our way and tell us something? Fuck that shit!

Again, I ask myself - why do I set myself up? Why do I let myself be let down? Why do I let myself be sexually teased, be it by Tom or by upstairs? Why do I let him tease me about a kid? Don’t I have more respect for myself than that? How can sex be so great, yet so complicated?

I made an appointment to see Dr. Rausch on October 16th at 4:40. Hope that’ll be no problem for Tom.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 1995 I’m working on a project for Tom. I’m going through my signing book and picking out the most common words used. Then I’m typing them up for him to film me signing the list so he can learn some signs. I told him, though, we’re talking about 400 or so signs and I’d appreciate not having to do all this work for nothing. So, I let him know that if he really wants me to do this and isn’t gonna just let the tape sit around and forget all about it, I’ll do it. He says he wants me to do it, but I still wonder just how many months it’ll be before he checks it out once or twice. Everything’s a waiting game for him. All he can do to put off anything and everything, he does. He’ll never read my story and if he says he’s got no time, it is an excuse to me. He could read a few pages before bed and while he was watching TV.

If only he was neater and didn’t procrastinate or play sex and baby games with me, he’d be perfect. But none of us are perfect, right?

He’s got me by the neck on Robin’s case. As long as he takes to do the next step which I can’t do myself, I’m stuck.

Later…

See? It always works. I hadn’t heard from Sarah in a while, so I sent her two envelopes two days ago and just got a 10-page letter from her today. I had feared she may have written and that her letter didn’t get here. The mailman fucks up still and today I got a piece of mail to Irene Wheeler. I don’t think anyone can be so stupid that often and that it’s accidental. I think he’s playing games.

Later…

Andy called for me to read him Sarah’s letter, so that’s why I didn’t write much before. I hope Sarah writes to Andy, cuz he’ll read it to me. Sarah really loved my letter and hers was friendly, open and honest. She’s definitely the best pen pal I’ve ever had and says to look for another letter.

I sure got some color today. The pool’s pretty cool, but not yet unbearable. I’ll have to tell Tom that the thermometer in the spa’s broken. The one in the main part of the pool’s OK, though.

Tom says the U-Haul leaves daily, but someone parks it there at night.

I have an idea that I’m gonna experiment with to keep myself on a day schedule. Every day, except on Fridays, I’ll set my alarm for 7 AM. Fridays will be catch-up days, so I’m not beat and bitchy over the weekend. This way, if I end up only sleeping from 3 or 4 AM to 7 AM, I can catch up. I think that’ll be better and less stressful for me if I do it that way, rather than every day.

I asked Andy if he thinks I’ll get Gloria’s introductory kit soon. He says that could be bullshit. It’s been about a year, so yes, that could be bullshit.

As I figured, Tom said it’d be fine if I used the Christmas cards. I’m sending 1 to Alex, 1 to Andy, 4 to Kim, and 4 to Bob.

Later…

Tom’s digesting his dinner. Then we’re gonna play around and after I cum and he doesn’t, I’ll start winding down till I crash.

Law & Order was disappointing. The 4th cop on the show is gone. Why does everyone quit that show? That’s 6-8 people that are gone now and have been replaced.

I forgot to make an appointment with Dr. Rausch after October 1st. I’ll do it tomorrow.

What else can I say at this time? Not much. I’ll have all the signs typed up tomorrow. I told that to Tom and he said he wants to go over it with me then and give me feedback.

I also got my puzzle book in the mail today.

Andy’s roommate Michelle has also been in fan clubs of various people. She says the response time varies from when you fill out a form to join. She said Fleetwood Mac took a while. She never heard from Laura Branigan, but Pat Benatar and Sheena Easton were punctual.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 1995 My day’s been off to a fun and romantic start.

The U-Haul is still next door, but now the blinds are shut.

I just came in from outside. This winter I don’t want my tan lines to get barely noticeable like all the other winters I’ve been out here.

That damn cat Oreo is beginning to be a problem and I wish I had a pellet gun or a bow and arrow. It shits all over the yard and it fucking stinks!

Andy was right when he said Marla was full of hot air about leaving me a message on AOL. I’ve gotten nothing from her. I haven’t even heard from Alex lately. Did he go to Alaska yet?

I tried to look up Marla and Evan, but couldn’t find them. Also, for the hell of it, I tried looking up different spellings of the name that came to me and I found some, but nothing really meant anything to me. There wasn’t even any in Maine or Massachusetts. There were a few in New Jersey, one in Connecticut, and a few in a few other states.

Later…

Someone may have been working around the house next door, but I’m not sure where it was coming from. It could’ve been from one of several different houses. As close as these houses are, there’s no way to tell for sure.

I left Andy a message and read him the sexual bullshit stories of two women I’m writing Sarah. I can only think of so many serious things to write her, so I asked Andy what’s the best bullshit topic to write about and he said sex. I’m sending Sarah two envelopes today. One contains a 4-page letter and the first 4 pages of Robin’s story. The other envelope contains the remaining 8 pages of Robin’s story.

Did I send Bob the Robin case? Yeah, I think I did, but he hasn’t said anything about it. That’s the thing with Bob - I ask him to tell me what he thinks of a certain thing or ask him a question and most of the time I get no answer.

Later…

I just threw a TV dinner in the mic.

I’m pre-cramping, bloated and constipated - yuck! The low-grade fever was back earlier at 99.1. Luckily, this cold was so barely noticeable that I don’t even know if I can call it a cold. After I cranked up the EC, splashed cold water on myself, and laid down for a few minutes, I felt much better.

Later…

I just ate whatever I could of my TV dinner. I don’t have too much of an appetite.

It’s amazing how every time I go outside, there are flocks of birds and pigeons on the loose block wall pieces where I feed them. Even if there’s no food, they’re there.

I beaded two 2” strands to hold all my barrettes since I’ve decided I want them all in the same area. I only left 3 barrettes in the bedroom that are uglier. I have these strands holding about 20 barrettes in the music room and there are also about 8-10 on the cord to the blinds.

Tom and I only slept for about 6 hours. He got up at 11 PM and I got up at 4 AM. I could tell he was instantly horny, which was nice, and he was rubbing against me. He told me to have my coffee and wake up and that he’d wait for me in the bedroom. He went to pee first, and I could be wrong cuz I was still half asleep, but it seems to me he had plenty of time to beat off. The other day I asked him if a guy could cum, then reharden and cum again a few minutes later. His answer was, “Yeah. It varies.”

I don’t know what to think or do, but I’m completely powerless over him. He won’t budge. It’s sad too, cuz this isn’t some asshole that’s doing this. This is a great person.

He told me the other day that he was honored that I love him enough to have a kid with him. It’s sweet to hear this. Then again, it doesn’t mean anything. When someone’s actions don’t go with their words, then what are you supposed to feel and think? His actions say to me, Hey, I’m scared. More so than you and that’s pretty damn scared. I have no faith in you as a mom, I don’t want it, etc.

He also told me the other day that since we’ve been sleeping together, the sex has been better than he ever imagined it could be. Yeah, so much better that he forgot to cum.

Also, as far as he’s concerned, two good screws are all we’ve had. Now that’s pretty low and insulting. So is he saying that all the other times we screwed didn’t matter or count in any way? Did he lie all those times he said it was great?

He also told me we are trying for a kid, and not to give up after only “two good screws.” Whether or not he thinks we’ve had one good screw or a million good screws, we’re not trying for a kid. We’re just fooling around and having fun. Trying for a kid means having fun and cumming in my book.

He just loves to insult and tease me with the issue of sex and a kid which he’ll deny all his life. Also, if God isn’t a hoax, then He really is damn against me having a kid. I haven’t prayed consistently, but I’ve made my wish, along with other wishes, well enough known to Him. The answer’s obviously no. If He really exists, then He knows I can’t quit smoking on my own. He obviously doesn’t want me to quit or else wouldn’t He give me the strength I need to quit? Tom said if he were God, he’d want the prayer asked every day for a while. Would God really interpret that as the person really wanting it that much? Or would He feel the person was being pushy, demanding, and selfish?

This is a long shot, but if Tom’s planning on cumming and us having a kid, he may have reasons for wanting to wait. Although he strikes me as someone who will always have reasons to wait.

We set a goal for me to make a CD by September 1996. As far as I’m concerned, it’s never gonna happen or will happen way later. I feel this way due to so many other things taking so much longer to happen. There are still things we said we were gonna do when we first met that we haven’t done cuz he’s either busy or not in the mood. I know it’ll be months before he ever helps me continue with the Robin case.

Anyway, he may want to wait cuz of my needing my teeth worked on, cuz of the trip in May, and cuz of the CD and other things like getting the business started and getting more money.

He swears we can afford a kid now, he knows money, etc. But $16,000 a year for 3 people? I don’t think so. We’d need more like $25,000 - $30,000.

He said, though, that the only way to get me going and motivated is for us to try for all our goals at once. Please! Does he think I’m stupid? I can just see myself trying to tell someone that. Oh yeah, we’re trying for a kid now. He doesn’t cum, but we really are trying for that kid! Right! Sounds pretty off the wall and ridiculous to me.

The trip in May could only be canceled by a lack of time and money. Nothing else, unless one of us gets in an accident or deathly ill, or if there were a crisis in his family. As I told Tom the other night, I have mixed emotions about that trip, whether or not we had a kid. I’d have preferred them to come out here first. We’re gonna be totally bored at the Bat mitzvah (I will be). Tom will hate the food. I’ll hate that climate and worry about my asthma and allergies. I’ll hate the bad memories from the place as well.

Later…

Well, well. The U-Haul’s gone. Someone’s definitely over there cuz their screen door’s open. It’s got to be only one adult. Probably the Realtor. They have a really nice security door. The kind we hope to get one of these years. However, due to the antics that’ll be part of everyday life moving in next door, I doubt I’ll want the door open.

Tom can also procrastinate trying to fix the bent window in the music room for all I care. However, it’d be nice to have it open late at night. If they have their window open late at night, though, which is only about 20 feet away, and if they’re up - forget it.

An organization for paralyzed veterans sent 10 free Christmas cards which I’m sure Tom will let me have for Kim and Bob. I loved the way they printed up the free address labels they also misspelled the last name. Haha

Tonight begins the season premiere of the new shows, including Law & Order. So, I’ve got a whopping 10-15 new shows to look forward to.

Mom S. called last night with nothing important, just a funny story about the cable guy. I guess he confused certain wires with phone wires.

She liked the squirrel and the other animal I shaded in (can’t remember what the other animal was) and is going to crochet it. She also liked the puzzle and hung it on her wall in the hall.

Lastly, she said the video of me at age 4 looked like a miniature of me today. She says when she looks at her sons’ pictures at that age, she isn’t sure who’s who.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 1995 It’s much dryer out, or drier, out there today, so that’s good.

My cold (if it really is one) is so barely noticeable and a joke compared to colds I’d get back east and when I first came here.

It’s very unusual for me to sleep 8 hours, then sleep for 4 more 4 hours later, but I obviously needed it and it helped.

Again - thank God for no baby at this time, cuz I wouldn’t have been able to get that sleep I needed. Especially with Tom going off to work.

I’m gonna go try to sing a bit, then I’ll update stuff after.

Later…

Just sang about 5 songs which didn’t make my throat sore like it did yesterday.

Earlier I cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed all the carpet. That made me feel a little hot and dizzy, so I revived myself by throwing myself in the pool as chilly as it’s gotten to be.

I’m still feeding our local birds here, which includes about 8 pigeons. Yesterday morning when I went outside there was not one bird in sight. Seconds later, they lined up on the electrical lines one by one to be fed. Now they’re always out there, even if there’s no food. I took a few pictures earlier.

Goldie called last night at about 6:30. I was asleep, but Tom talked to her. She was calling to say goodbye. They’re home now and hopefully, they got my letter.

I don’t believe I’ve written about the “echo edits” yet. Tom made an echo effect with an old monitor.

I just had to stop to sneeze and blow my nose. Then when I stuck a Band-Aid over the bridge of my nose it stopped instantly. I wish I knew this trick in Springfield! However, I was severely cursed there and was destined to suffer.

I’m making Tom Hamburger Helper for when he comes home.

Anyway, Tom and I sang into the mike which I recorded off of the living room stereo speakers. I sang and laughed and we both said whatever. I mocked a few edits. It sounds really cool and I love how each thing overlaps the different things we recorded.

I’ll write about what Kim sent after I finish cooking.

Later…

Well, someone’s watering the yard next door. If it’s not a Realtor, then I think it could be someone the M’s know. There’s a blue Blazer parked in front of the U-Haul that I think I’ve seen before. I hear someone rustling around out there, but that’s all.

Oh, how I wish it could stay this way forever! Soon the peace will be shattered by the constant sounds of kids and dogs. How much do you want to bet that God will have them move in right as the weather cools down? Even if there were one unpopular kid over there who’s an outcast, there’ll be dogs to deal with and then, in that case, I’m sure they’ll have way more company than the M’s.

Anyway, Kim sent me a letter and 4 pictures of her apartment It’s not as dumpy as she made it sound, even though it’s not like the ones we had on Elm St. It’s small but more modern than I thought.

She sent me the rappers. You take a ¼-½” piece of hair and wrap different colors of embroidery floss around it. It looks a little tacky and is sort of heavy if I do a piece from the root to the end, so I did 2 partials. At my left temple, I did a braid, then wrapped 2 inches about 2 inches above the ends. Under my right ear, I wrapped it 2 inches below my roots to 2 inches above my ends. I used pink and blue that came with the pamphlet for the one that’s braided. Then I used blue, black, yellow and orange for the other one. I ran out of red, purple and other color flosses. It’s pretty easy to do, but it takes time. Since I don’t need the pamphlet, I’m sending it to my nieces.

Since we’re not rich, I wish I could just quit smoking! A catalog came today with all kinds of clothes that are totally me. I added up everything I liked and it came to $600. Good, God! Why must everything be so expensive?

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 1995 Yesterday was a pretty good day. We screwed and he also went down on me. If he wasn’t really aroused, then he was doing a fine job of acting. Every time he was getting really close, he’d slow down or stop. And I thought I was scared to get pregnant! I am, even though it’s what I want, but little did I know I’d meet anyone more scared. Hey, he’s a guy and that’s how most guys are about the issue.

It’s nearly impossible to get pregnant 9-10 days before your period, anyhow. However, I wish there were a way to compromise with him, even though you can’t compromise about a baby. You either have one or you don’t.

I’m trying not to be so obsessed with the issue, as well as to continue to accept that it can never be. Sometimes it’s as easy to do as it is to say. Other times I feel like I’m just gonna freak out cuz I can never have a child. It’s sooo hard sometimes. Like I’ve said before, though, I do not doubt in my mind that this will get easier each year and that when it’s too late to get pregnant anyway, I’ll be very happy and grateful it turned out that way, just as I’m very glad and grateful that I never got pregnant by Ron or Bruce.

Late last night and yesterday afternoon, Tom said he saw a U-Haul parked in the driveway next door. We haven’t seen or heard anyone, so who knows what the scoop is?

I wonder if I’ll get Kim’s package today.

I’m rather surprised I haven’t heard from Sarah yet. I only hope to hell she didn’t send her second letter and that it didn’t get to me. I think I’ll start a letter to her.

Later…

Andy’s on the phone now, so I left him a message about what I’m about to say. Sarah likes serious letters but I can only think of so much serious stuff to write about, whether a lot’s going on or a little’s going on. Therefore, since I’ll never really be friends with her and probably never meet her, I’ll just type up some serious-sounding tall tales for her. Gotta wake Tom up at 5:00, but for now, I’ll go start Sarah’s letter. Watch, I’ll get one from her the day I mail hers out. I’m holding off on Kim’s till I get her mail.

Today, tomorrow, or the next day, Tammy should get the 3 disks we’re sending her.

Later…

Sarah’s gonna be happy. She’s gonna be receiving two envelopes from me. One will have the Robin case, the other a letter.

That U-Haul is still over there, but I haven’t heard any kids or dogs yet.

I don’t feel too great right now and have a sore throat, so I will write later.

Later…

I’m already feeling better. The fact that Goldie and Al are leaving today was on my mind, and so was the fact that I can never have a child. Nonetheless, my sore throat is better and my temperature has gone from 99.4 to 99.1.

I managed to dust the place, clean the microwave, and vacuum and mop the kitchen floor. Tomorrow I’ll do the bathroom and vacuum the rest of the house.

Just called the weather line to see what they say. Yuck! 47% humidity, only a high of 100 dgs. The bright side of it is that in a couple of days, it will be drying up.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1995 I was up for quite a while yesterday (20 hrs) but got a lot done.

We didn’t have sex yet, but we’ll see. I asked him if the bet I know I’ll win is still on. He says yes, but give him an extra week. That’s fair, but fair or not, he’ll always need an “extra week” till the day he dies.

I got up shortly after midnight and was shocked to find Tom up.

He went to his parents’ house to work on Mary’s car. She was there as well as Nickolena. It took hours and hours to work on the car. Much longer than anyone anticipated, but Mary gave him $40 which was nice.

He showed his parents the video and his parents agreed that I looked Nickolena’s age of 16 months when I was 4. Also, Tammy looks older. She seems to be the only one in the family who looks either her age or older.

She was also happy with the puzzle.

Bad news for the printing program. It won’t run on certain older computers with certain software. Now who knows how long it’ll take him to find the problem and fix it? His attitude is absolutely amazing, though. He feels setbacks help him learn so he can move forward. True, but I’d really want to throw in the towel, if not then, drop dead. I tend to believe that the longer something doesn’t happen or go right, it wasn’t meant to be and in a sense, I’d be going against God and fighting His wishes. Tom says don’t try so hard and then things will come to you, but most people say you have to try and work for what you want. It won’t just come to you on a silver platter.

Got a postcard from Gloria’s fan club saying my introductory order will arrive soon. I’m looking forward to it, but I hope all her pictures aren’t current ones.

I got an herb catalog too, that I’d like to check out with Tom.

Later…

After Tom had a shitty day yesterday, I decided he shouldn’t have to have anything to do with laundry or making food. So, I washed and hung both loads of laundry out on the line, made spag, and made him a sandwich.

Just as the sun was on its way up was when I was outside. There must’ve been 100 birds out there with that same look Piggy gives me when I get up that says, feed me! There were 8 pigeons, so that was cool.

Tom’s in the shower now, then he’s going food shopping. Then I assume we’ll do some playing around. Well, there is a bright side to sex being only for me and that is that I enjoy it and love to get off. Better that one of us is into it than neither of us, huh?

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 1995 When Tom came home last Thursday he said I was gonna say, I told you so! Then he told me they offered him a full-time position at work. I told him I had a strong feeling he wouldn’t have to get a part-time job and that almost all of my strong feelings are right.

Yesterday we had a long talk about our situation that I wrote about and even read him what I wrote. I know nothing can ever be consistently good, but I just wish there weren’t so many things getting in the way of good sex. Why can’t we go for longer periods where sex is good? It’s not that I don’t ever want to have sex again, it’s just that I want to feel that he’s a part of it too. I want to feel more pleasing to him.

He brought up a point when he said, “I just couldn’t get into it, but it wasn’t your fault. We all have our days when we can’t get into a lot of different things.”

True.

He brought up another good point when he told me to imagine how I’d feel if he were the one giving up on me as far as the sex goes, the singing, the business, and whatever else. True as well. I don’t want to give up, but I don’t want to go running around in circles with him all my life, either.

Early in the morning, we’re gonna do some recording and videotaping of us playing guitar, keyboards, and singing. If we don’t complete the video this weekend, then we agreed on a goal of completing it by next weekend.

He set up an awesome thing, though. We talked, laughed, and sang through the mike and out the speakers and it came out with reverb and would echo about 5 times. It makes you sound edited, but each edit overlaps the other, unlike my edits. I ran an old edit tape from one box, through the mike and out of the speaker and into another box. It sounded OK but was a little distorted and bassy. There was static too, or buzzing or hissing, or whatever the hell you want to call it.

I left Andy a few messages with my evil laughter as well as me singing and talking. He thought it was cool. I’ll have to play some for Tammy and my parents one of these days. For Kim, too.

I wonder if tomorrow or Monday I’ll get that hair thing from Kim. Probably Monday.

Tomorrow is when we’ll probably send Tammy’s disks out to her.

There’s something set up wrong, cuz I can’t get into AOL to see if there are any messages from Marla or Alex.

Got a letter from Bob today who had nothing new to really say. He also sent me an article that he wants me to send to Kim. The girl in the article, Tom and I agreed, was pretty stupid for bringing her stuff in and not just the auto registration. Tom says he thinks it’s another visitor who stole her stuff from the prison she visited.

Later…

I’m making a chicken pot pie now.

I began to type up the beginning of this book, but now that I’ll be done with it, it’ll make it easier. It’s a pain in the ass when I want to write, then realize it’s out by the computer, just when I made myself comfy. I know my next book won’t include Tom cumming, but I sure hope it brings better sex. I just want to feel normal about it like a whole woman. Not some freak of a sexual outcast. Yes, it’s true that when we start sex we may not be able to get into it. Or, don’t think we can get into it, but do, but I just don’t want these weekly setbacks with problems and excuses of various kinds.

How can it be so muggy with the EC on? Even Tom had said it felt muggy earlier, but it doesn’t feel muggy outside. Better go switch the AC back on now.

Later…

I just ate and had a cigarette which I’m trying not to do much of.

It’s a pretty dark night out. Can’t read the writing on the top step of the pool, let alone see the drain. There are several stars out. It’s cloudless, though, which makes it darker. Clouds seem much lighter than the dark sky with no clouds.

Anyway, I began a letter to Bob which I’ll go finish. That’ll go out tomorrow, along with Goldie and Al’s welcome home letter.

Later…

Just finished Bob’s letter.

I can’t believe there’s still no one next door, but oh how I love it!!!!!!!! It’s great not hearing dogs and van doors that sound like they’re right in front of my face! Boy, am I gonna get compensated for this! Thank God I love music and fans, cuz I’m gonna really need them. I’ll miss these quiet peaceful nights. And days, too. I’ll miss the times of hearing only Tom talk if that’s all I want to hear. Soon enough I won’t be able to hear the TV and TV alone. There’ll be bouncing balls, screaming, and car doors with it. Oh, how I’ll miss these times!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 1995 I was just too goddamn fucking out of it to write earlier. Plus, Tom wanted to talk. Before I write up on what blew my fuse, I’ll mention a few other things.

Andy said he heard that Karson moved to Paysen. This is just a rumor, but I hope it’s true.

Andy loved the artwork on the envelope I sent. That striped design I put on the cover of the journal he gave me. The funny thing about it is that he’s posting it in the laundry room of his complex.

Mom and Dad called us tonight. They got their bird to say a few things. It will be on America’s Funniest Videos soon.

Mom gave me an awesome suggestion, and once again, it feels so good to have her bring up suggestions about stuff I’m into. She said she got the idea from a picture of me that I sent her with me standing in front of the block wall by our pool. She said there was a block wall around their pool on Nettles Island (I don’t remember it) and that people into art painted it a solid light blue-green, then painted in fish, manatees, lobsters, seaweed, etc. That’s an awesome idea! In fact, I want to go check something out, so I’ll write about other bullshit later.

Later…

I think my parents will like their next envelope. Bordering the bottom of the back of it, I drew fish, seaweed, and a starfish. Also, I’ve outlined that scheme on the wall in the music room.

Andy was supposed to call at 5:00 for me to call his dad. Guess he fell asleep.

Now I’ll get into the shit that began yesterday morning. I had been feeling so good. So much better about our sex lives than ever, and Tom had said he felt the same way. Last night, though, I got to wondering - what if he feels like he’s losing control and may cum and is therefore scared of me getting pregnant? So, yesterday morning I started doing him with my hand, then he came out and said he couldn’t get into it cuz it was too planned and not spontaneous enough. There’s always a fucking excuse!!! So, finally I told him. “Look, I’ve had it. Just when I felt better than ever, you pull this and make me feel like a freak.”

All cuz our sessions are sometimes planned? Give me a break! I’m so psychologically sick of this and these sex and baby games. I can never be good enough or do anything right sexually for long enough. There’s always got to be a problem, excuse or setback and I’m so fucking sick of it.

Why do I bother? Why should I bother when all will go well for a week or two and then there will be another problem that he’ll swear isn’t my fault but will imply otherwise that he may as well say it’s my fault?

He does a great job of making me feel like I’m not good enough sexually. We’re just not compatible sexually. I never had this fucking problem with women.

Then he tells me that in his mind, we just started. Every fucking week he’ll say that!

He tells me he won’t ask me for sex, but he’s not afraid of me having a kid, don’t give up, it’ll get better, everything has its setbacks. Fuck this shit! There are too many setbacks and I’m fed up. I’ve had all I can take and refuse to go through this month after month and year after year.

He told me that the only negative thing about when I woke him up for sex was that it seemed to him like I came into the room, we did whatever, then I left.

Now he tells me this? Why didn’t he tell me before?

So, I was right. Sex is all one big act on his part. He’s not really into it. He just does it to please me. I wonder how many other hidden negatives he has. From what I’ve learned and have seen, people who lust or lust and love each other can get off anywhere whether it’s planned or not.

I’m just sick of feeling like an isolated freak who’s all alone in this situation. Things go OK for a while, then there’s a problem and while he swears he’s not blaming me, it’s here’s what I can do to help him. But only HE can help himself! If he doesn’t want to cum, I can’t make him do it or help him.

He explained his weird feelings about the injection. He said my getting the injection would block/pressure him during sex cuz he’d be sad we couldn’t start a family and he’d have to adapt to that. Oh, boo hoo, poor baby! Well, how the fuck does he think I feel knowing, OK, we’re gonna screw now, but we can’t start a family cuz he won’t cum?

Then I also have to go through the feelings of feeling like half a woman. I don’t feel one bit sorry for him. Not one fucking bit and how the hell can I ever have any kind of sex with him again with all this shit hanging over my head? There’ll just continue to be one problem after another where I’ll feel like a sexual outcast. Well, I’m retiring from this game. I’m not gonna have my head played with and I don’t care whether it’s intentional or not. I’m sooooooo fucking sick of it!!!!!!!!!!

He tells me that by not trying to improve our sex lives and have a kid I’m punishing him. Yeah, I’m punishing him. Just like he punished me with these issues, but that’s a small part of it. The big part of it is that I cannot have sex with someone who I feel is literally abusing and playing with my head with it. I can’t let someone touch me whose heart I feel really isn’t in it, who’s doing it for me and not us, who says they want a kid but doesn’t.

Then he has the nerve to totally contradict himself by saying I have more hope for better sex and a kid than he does and that’s why I’m more emotional about it and how he feels trapped and hopeless. Bull fucking shit! I have below 0% hope and that’s how I know it’ll always stay. How the fuck can he think I don’t feel more trapped, powerless and hopeless, cuz that’s exactly what I am!

There will be no kid with or without sex. There will be no sex, cuz I can’t fucking deal with it anymore. We’re just gonna have to deal with taking care of our own sexual needs.

He also came out and said that by throwing away the sex and kid I’m throwing away the singing and the business. Yeah, right! What the fuck have they got to do with each other?

Can’t this guy be as good, sweet, and as loving in bed, as out of bed? Well, I gave him two years’ worth of a chance and he blew it. He’s never even been half as physical with me as most couples are. He’ll just never open up, loosen up and let go sexually. I did try to help him, but only he can take charge and do that. He never did, so I’m beyond caring or wanting to bother. He’ll have to think of new games to play with me.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 1995 Hey, I just wrote 3 songs!

Got some fairly shocking, yet nice news to start with. This may happen once a year, but yesterday’s sex was awesome. As soon as he was inside me, I said to myself, wow! He’s closer than he’s ever been. Then I said, nah. He tells me he’s almost always close. Sure enough, though, when we were done he said he’s never been that close and that there’s no comparison to how close he was then within the past. I know not to count on this being a common occurrence, but it sure made me feel good. More normal and womanly, I guess. He took my hope of having a kid which is usually between 0% - 1% and made it 2%. I had about a second there where I feared possibly having to go with no smokes for 24 hours.

He said to me, “I’m doing lousy with the weight bet, but I’m gonna win this one, so you better get used to the idea of that 24 hours with no cigarettes.”

I’m still 98% - 99% sure he won’t cum, but if he only cums once at a time of the month that I can’t get pregnant only for the sake of me having to not smoke for 24 hours, I’m gonna be pissed!

I spoke to Andy who’s thrilled that his money problems are solved due to Michelle moving in. Now his rent will only be $175. This is also a good way to see how well they can live together for the next 6 months when his lease is up. We both think it’ll work out fine cuz he gets along better with Michelle than he did with Bug.

I called Marla for him cuz he wanted me to have her call him. Marla says she’ll be sending me an email on AOL. Tomorrow at 2:00 I’ll be calling his father so he can wish him a happy birthday, and he’ll pay us back.

I haven’t read Andy my songs yet, but Tom saw them, of course. He rated Walk Towards the Light a 7, Entity an 8, and Unplanned Fate a 9 with the potential to be a 10.

I sang earlier and recorded myself singing and playing the guitar to The Sweetest Gift.

Later…

Andy’s gonna be calling, so I may get cut off.

I asked Tammy if she got a tape from Mom and Dad and she got the same one I got on her birthday.

Tom got more work done on the back room and with other stuff than I thought. I guess the reason it seemed differently is cuz I’ve never been that busy or had so much stuff.

I took those same plastic notes I traced on the wall and traced them on an all-white T-shirt. Then I colored them in. I’ve had these notes for 10 years and little did I know just how useful they’d be.

Later…

I finally got ahold of Kim who’s doing fine and miraculously will be able to have kids. She’ll be out of work for one more week. She said she got all kinds of single sheets of stationery for 37 cents apiece in Maine before her surgery. She stood with her mother the first night, was throwing up and sore, but is much better now. Afterward, she stood with her grandmother in Maine for 3 days.

She also received that hair thing, so she’s gonna send me that, pictures, and a letter.

Later…

I am so fucking miserable right now. I mean, I feel like a total failure. I should’ve known better. Why did I set myself up to fall?

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 1995 Well, well. I just checked the period & sex chart. Never have we screwed right smack when I was mid-cycle. Like I should be surprised, right? Did it just happen that way? Did Tom plan it that way? Did God plan it that way? Well, it doesn’t matter when we screw since he doesn’t cum anyway. I also still wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I were sterile, either.

Back to the tape Ma sent. It was pretty cool to see, but those clothes, bathing suits, and beehive hairdos - gross! I admit to crying when I saw Nana and Pa. I miss them. Especially pa.

Boo, who’s married to Max, was Pa’s niece and is my mother’s cousin. Boo, whose real name is Dorothy (how she got her nickname beats me), has a son Kim and a daughter Rhoda.

At the Passover party, when we lived next to Nana and Pa, were my cousins Lori and Lisa, my mom’s brother Ronnie and his ex-wife June and a few others who I don’t know. My parents, Larry and Tammy were there too, of course.

Tom asked if I thought there was other stuff they cut out or if I was the bulk of the filming. I said I had no idea and asked him what he thought. He said he thought I was the bulk of the filming cuz I was the youngest and that’s how it usually works in families.

He also said he’d like to show the tape to his parents.

Tom said I looked more like I was 2, not 4, but as Goldie and Al reminded him, I was always small and never looked my age. I wasn’t always small widthwise, though. Al was saying how everyone else in my family is big and how even though Tammy was premature, she grew up tall and wide and was pretty heavy the last time they saw her.

We met them at a restaurant called Chili’s and we pretty much chatted about family and friends and places. Ruth was tired, so she stayed home.

I told them about the journals and the tape. She said she hasn’t seen this tape but is sure she will.

I’m gonna ask Tammy if she got any tapes, when she got them, and what’s on them.

We were all pretty teary-eyed when we said goodbye.

I asked them if they will be at the Bat mitzvah and Goldie said yes, if she’s invited. I’m sure she will be. So we’ll probably be seeing them again in 8 months, cuz if we don’t make it there it won’t be cuz I’m pregnant.

I put clear contact paper on the front and back of Ma’s puzzle, but we’ve got to get that glue and more contact paper anyway.

I did try calling 1411 to see what address they had for the M’s. It seems I remember hearing it takes 10 days for 1411 to update addresses and numbers, and they left on the 1st. They gave the same address, though, which is weird. Maybe they are staying with someone till they move out of state, but kept their phone and forwarded their calls to where they’re staying. At 7:30 yesterday morning I called (didn’t say anything) and Dean answered and said in a cheerful voice, “Hello, it’s Dean. This is not a machine. What’s up? What’s the deal?”

Now I’m gonna go type a list of the most commonly used words for Tom to film me signing.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 1995 I’m pretty frustrated right now. Do you have any idea just how much easier my life would be if I didn’t want a kid? Why do I want a kid, anyway? I wish I could figure that out. Why would I want to put myself through all it entails?

On Fridays, we make a list of stuff to do. Well, I’m so sick of him not doing all he says he’s gonna do or only doing a part of things.

He tells me I can always talk to him, but talking with him only makes him feel pressured and I know it turns him off and brings him down. He also feels like I’m attacking him. I’m trying to deal with this in silence, but it’s sooo hard. Are there any others out there with guys who get hard, but won’t cum? Am I really as alone as I think I am? I asked Alex if he’s ever heard of a guy like that. He hasn’t.

Why me?!?! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Later…

I just finished putting together Ma’s 1000-piece puzzle. Tom can still get glue for puzzles, but with a puzzle this big and loose, I think it’d be best to put clear contact paper on the front and back. I’ll get Tom’s opinion when he gets up.

I think I may have had another memory of Robin, but I can’t be too sure. It seems the night I was with her when we were on our beds before falling asleep, I was playing the game most kids play. The game of - guess what color, or number, or animal I’m thinking of?

No wonder Karson hasn’t called me or Andy. Her phone’s been disconnected. Andy said she wouldn’t just blow us off forever.

Great.

Later…

As I knew real damn good and well - no getting pregnant this month. I must’ve ovulated for a short time which was this morning. This morning my temperature was 98.7 and now it’s 97.5. Plus, I was mid-cycle yesterday, so even if he’d cum, it’s too late.

I took a swim an hour ago and the pool water’s already cooling down. It was slightly chilly. It’s getting down to 40º at night back east.

I still haven’t been able to reach Kim. I sure hope she’s OK. It was nice of Tom to ask if I’d heard from her this morning and reassure me about her and say we’ll see each other again.

This weekend we hope to make a video of me singing The Sweetest Gift and White Rhythm & Blues. Tom will play the keyboards for both songs and I’ll play the guitar for The Sweetest Gift. It’s mainly for Lisa, but the other kids, Tammy and Bill will see it too, I’m sure. Maybe we’ll send my parents and Goldie and Al a copy.

Speaking of tapes - got a real surprise from my parents. Here’s what the tape contained: Nana & Pa in Florida in 1959 with Cousin Boo & Rhoda, Passover of 1968, Old Colony Beach in 1969, Nana & Pa at White Mountains in New Hampshire, and my 4th birthday

I’ll write much more later about that and our visit with Goldie and Al later.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 1995 Damn, am I getting gray hairs! Shall I dye it? Nah, not yet. I just trimmed my bangs a little while ago.

Tom’s still certain he’ll win both bets.

We began playing around earlier, but I had to stop cuz of knee pain I’ve had for about 4-5 days now. See? There’s always a problem with one of us, though it’s usually with him. Always something gets in the way. I find it ironic too, seeing how I could be ovulating right around this time. Coincidence? Doubt it. Anyway, I obviously pulled a ligament or something like that and it didn’t quite tickle earlier. I had it in an ace bandage and had to take an Ibuprofen.

After we screwed around the other day, Tom said it was almost perfect. He said the only two things about it he didn’t like were that the angle was off and that he didn’t cum. Yeah, right! I’ve won this one!

Kim was supposed to call me on the night of the 6th and have surgery on the 7th. I haven’t heard from her, though. Tom says he’s sure she’s OK, can have kids, and probably got talked into staying with someone at the last minute.

Soon enough it’ll be pleasant at night, so I’ll have to have Tom fix the bent window frames in the music room. He unbolted them, but they’re very old single-paned windows that are a bit crooked. I’ve never lived anywhere where I had such old shitty windows to deal with.

Tom refreshed me on how to use the Melody Maestro. However, every time we hummed The Sweetest Gift, it played back what sounded like a totally different song. I sang earlier while he played the keyboards. I even played a little guitar.

There was a problem with launching the print program. A message came up after we sent it saying it’d be reviewed by the staff, but we never heard anything about it. Meanwhile, he re-sent it an AOL as well as CompuServe and whatever else.

As for Robin, well, we browsed through AOL last night and got some ideas as to where we’d leave a message to try to track down others who may have attended this camp in ‘74. Who knows when Tom will do his part in this case as he says he will or try hypnotizing me? He’s always busy and 80% of the time he either procrastinates or can’t come through at all for whatever reason. I can tell you right now, the bee and cigarette machines are a bust. A big joke as far as I’m concerned. Also, if he wants to stall Robin’s case to do his “instill patience” thing, he’s got me. There’s nothing more I can do in this case without him.

We’re gonna see Goldie and Al one last time before they leave for Boston Tuesday night at 7:00.

Later…

I’ll have to ask Tom to open the music room vent a bit more. I have the EC on now which blows very hard, but I can’t feel a thing and it’s a bit stuffy in here.

I did that strip of musical notes/G-clefs I said I was gonna do in the hall between the living room doorway and the linen closet. Almost a week ago I traced them in, but last night I colored them in with pretty pinks, purples and blues, then covered them with clear contact paper.

The hair that was shaved around my ear is on its way back. It can almost reach a ponytail. It still looks pretty funny, though.

Someone was definitely next door earlier, cuz the sprinklers were on and there were lights on over there till 8:30 or so. We’re pretty sure it was the Realtor or a neighbor trying to keep the place up. I’m sure no Realtor wants to show a house with either a brown lawn or an overgrown lawn. Plus, it was too quiet. No sounds of trucks, moving, kids or dogs.

Later…

I just woke Tom up for some tongue action, but personally, he did a shitty job, even though I did end up cumming, and doesn’t seem too happy right now. He said he likes that and that I could wake him up every night, even though I wouldn’t if he were really backed up in his sleep. Maybe he doesn’t feel well.

I forgot to mention this a few days ago, but no more Karson for me. She told Andy and me on our machines she was pissed and for us never to call her again. Neither of us did anything to her and Andy and I are sick of her. She does this constantly and God only knows how Andy’s put up with her for over a year. She’s always whining and bitching, and I smell Fran in her. I always have, but the scent is getting stronger and I don’t need any Fran’s, Nervous’s, Ellie’s, etc. in my life. I’ve come too far for that.

Later…

Tom opened the vent in here. Much better.

Tom also told me he’s just very tired and it’s a dismal feeling to know he’s gotta get up super early the next 3 days. I said, “Then how will we manage a kid?”

He said, “You can’t compare that, honey.”

How can you not? I guess it’s a matter of how much you want something. For example, I’ll do more to see to it that I’m awake and functional to see Goldie and Al, rather than Andy cuz Andy lives here and isn’t going anywhere. Who knows how many years it’ll be before I see Goldie and Al again after Tuesday? The next time I do see them, whenever I do, it’ll probably either be in Florida or MA.

My encounters with Robin aren’t as frequent as they were in the beginning and I don’t think I’ll ever get her name, but I’m still so curious. If she’s alive - who is she? What is she? Where is she? What does she look like? Will I ever really know for sure? God, please! If you really exist, God, and aren’t a hoax, please help me! Help me find the answers!

Later…

I can’t believe it’s not even 11:00 yet. It feels like it’s 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning.

Today and tomorrow, when I’m most likely to ovulate (if I do), Tom will be too tired. He’s getting up at 4:00 and won’t be home till 5:00. Then we’ll be seeing Goldie and Al and by the time we get home, he’ll have been up for almost 18 hours. I used to believe Tom might try avoiding me at those times and still do. However, I also believe some kind of outer force is gonna see to it that we can’t get together during the times I may be ovulating. God really insists on keeping me childless, but why give me a guy who won’t cum and do all this shit? All He has to do is sterilize me. On the bright side - I’ll never have to worry about Tom winning our bet and having to go 24 hours without smoking.

I was shocked at who I saw at 8:30. First, though, when I first met Dean, I could’ve sworn he had blond hair and wore no glasses. For the last several months, the guy I’ve seen over there had brown hair and wore glasses. Was I wrong about his being a non-four-eyed blond? Did he change his appearance cuz of something wrong he did that he’s hiding from? Is it a different guy?

Anyway, at 8:30 I noticed the lights were on. I saw him in there, but the place was still empty. All I saw was what looked like a small shelf or table with some magazines or books on it. I didn’t see his van at all.

Holy shit. I dialed their number wrong the last time I called, thinking their number was disconnected. No wonder I saw Lenore on the phone. This means they either left it connected or moved somewhere else in Phoenix cuz their phone is connected. They have a regular answering machine. I’d say the phone goes next door cuz they hardly ever sleep, so I’d assume they could answer their phone anytime for the most part. If they moved out of state, maybe he stood here but is staying somewhere else to take care of selling the house. When the new kids, dogs and whatever adults get there, I’ll settle my curiosity and call info. By that time, they could tell me if they were still in Phoenix.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1995 I’m lying in bed now next to Tom who’s going back to sleep. I had woken him up cuz I saw a huge black bug of some kind in the kitchen.

OK, here are the bets, but the first one’s not all that far out or impossible. Tom wants to get under 200 pounds (he’s now 206) within a few months as a short-term goal. His long-term goal is to get to 175, so that’s about 35 pounds he wants to lose. He said if he loses, he’ll be my sex slave for a week, even if he’s tired. He hasn’t figured out what I’d owe him if he wins yet.

As for the bet, I’m 100% sure to win – well – I made my thing to do if I lose impossible for me cuz I know I can’t lose this one. If he loses what I’m about to tell you we bet on, I told him he owes me nothing. If he wins, I have to quit smoking for 24 hours. When I made this bet with him, I was astounded he went for it and agreed with it. I was almost certain he’d say no to it. I bet that he has to cum within 30 days and it’s got to be something I can see or feel, but be absolutely sure of. Can you believe he agreed to it?! It could be a good cover, though. He knows I know he wants me to stop smoking and he knows he owes me nothing if I win and I will win this one. The weight one, who knows?

Earlier I asked him, “If you knew you needed the closeness of sleeping together to cum (so he says), then how can you have assumed my being pregnant last spring when for all we knew back then, it’d be quite a while before we were sleeping together?” His answer was that he had no idea that not sleeping together would bother him so much. I fully believe him cuz neither did I. I always had wished there was a way we could’ve slept together, but it didn’t really start becoming such a big deal to me till a few months ago. I feel so much more normal now. Different is good, but different can also make you feel a bit weird and freaky. There have always been things unique about me that I was happy and comfortable with, as well as stuff that’s unique in what I feel is an uncomfortable way.

I still can’t believe my parents got me journals!

One of the 20 hair accessories they sent is a round gold thing for when you put your hair in a bun. It’s not easy to use when your hair is so thick and long, but I managed. The thing is like half a hollow circle with a pin-like thing you slip under the bun and through it. It’s a hard thing and style to describe, but it’s been around for eons.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 1995 Got the package from my parents today and am totally astounded at what they sent.

They sent me 20 black and blue pens. I’m writing with one of them right now, but it blots so badly that I’m gonna switch. I think I’ll use this Bic cuz it blots less, and I tend to write sloppy when I have so much to say. I write neater with these than I do with the Precise markers. They also sent a pack of 6 markers, watermelon seeds, a notepad, and a planner, which is great for the business.

They sent 20 different barrettes which are beautiful.

Now here’s the shocker - they sent 3 gorgeous journals! I can’t believe my parents sent me journals! I’d cherish them forever if they were ugly but they’re not. They’ll be numbers 99-101. I always hoped they’d send me journals cuz most of us always love it when our parents take some kind of part in the things we love to do. In the almost 8 years that I’ve been writing, they never asked or said a word about it. Throughout the years, I’ve picked out most of my journals, but when Tom, Andy, and now my parents have gotten me any, it makes it all the more special. I am so very touched and I told them this in my letter to them and thanked them like crazy.

Tom guesses that I’ll hit 100 this November. My guess is January of ‘96, but we’ll see. It’s cutting really close.

As for the Gloria fan club - the check hasn’t even been cashed yet.

I did what I said I was gonna do for that journal Andy brought me. It looks a million times better.

Today I sent Larry a letter. Tomorrow letters will go out to my parents, Kim, Tammy, and I’ll also send Sarah’s birthday card. Monday I’ll send Kim’s birthday card, Bob’s letter, and maybe one for Andy.

Goldie and Al are flying back on the 18th, so on the 16th, I’ll send their letter which they’ll get right around their arrival. I’ll P.S. it at the end and put: Al, what do you do with coffee?

Before I get to the outrageous bets Tom and I placed, let me get into a couple of outrageous nightmares I had.

In one of them, Tom got pissed at me for who knows what. I guess this happened at night and when I awoke in the dream he had already gone to work. Meanwhile, he had trashed and smashed the entire house.

In the other nightmare, we both decided we didn’t want Piggy anymore, but neither of us wanted to bother to find someone to take him. So, we threw him in the dumpster. A few days later I changed my mind and decided I wanted Piggyback. Tom said he was missing him, too. So, we went out to the dumpster and Tom peered in it. He then turned to me saying it was too late. Then, I peered inside the dumpster. Piggy was all covered with maggots. How gross!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 1995 I told Tom of my current news as to finding Robin yesterday. He says he expected it to go this way and that this part of it had to be played out. He said there was no need to give up and that we can put a message on the Internet looking for anyone who may have been at that camp during that era. He still feels that if I don’t give up, and that if he bet money on it, we’ll get her name. Oh, I sure hope so! Right now I feel it’s a long way away if we do get a name.

Lenny K said not only could she have been a supervisor, but some kind of specialist. A specialist? What kind of specialist?

Later…

Tom just ate and is digesting.

Meanwhile, Andy brought two boxes of Cocoa Krispies, his tape for his messages, and that shirt and journal. The shirt is too big and too lacy. He can give it to Pam. The journal is ugly, but I can always get contact paper for it. It obviously belonged to an Arab guy who I’m sure will be happy to know that a Jew has it now. He wrote a few pages in the front which I tore out cuz their corners were ripped. They had several names of different colleges and universities. The last 3 or 4 pages, which I left in, had names and numbers that were out of state.

I just got an awesome idea for that ugly journal cover! I’m gonna draw up designs or whatever on paper, then attach it with clear contact paper. That’ll act as a protective coating since taping or gluing it on will be useless. Plus, the paper would rip in no time. I’ve got a couple of design ideas that I’ve been decorating envelopes with. On Larry’s envelope, I drew a musical note with an underwriter marker. Then inside of it with an overwriter, I wrote: Oh, no! Tammy called! I’m sure he’ll get quite a kick out of it. Sandy, too.

I had two really raunchy nightmares, but I’ll write about them later.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 1995 Oh, I’m so fucking frustrated now! No package or mail of any kind today. Of course, the mailman’s still delivering other people’s mail, too.

Anyway, Andy told me yesterday that he had a better vibe for if I called Lenny tomorrow. That’s what I was gonna do, but when he called me today, he said he had just as good of a vibe. Well, believe me, I would’ve gotten the same results on either day. He was right, though, when he said I’d get more than I expected. I didn’t expect another wild goose chase, that’s for sure.

I called Lenny with Andy on the phone. Lenny said his records only went back to 1980, but that I could call his predecessor. His name was Herbert K. He lives in Wellesley, MA. He said he left the camp in 1963 and that he’s not quite Lenny’s predecessor. After Herbert and before Lenny, there was an Al K, but I can’t find this guy who’s supposedly in the Newton, MA area. Maybe I should try seeing if the Jewish welfare board has records. He also gave me the name and number of a Ruth T in Framingham, MA. She registered all the kids. When I mentioned the name Robin, she threw the last name R at me which does ring some kind of a bell in my head. She mentioned something about this person attending the University of Nebraska. Also, something about this person’s house looking like a castle in Lyn, MA when she drove her home from the camp.

I could only find one R (a slightly different spelling, though) in Lyn, but the woman who answers says she’s not affiliated with the camp and knows nothing about it.

I went through all this bullshit all summer long just to get nowhere.

Later…

Tom will be home any minute now, so I’ll write till he gets here.

I was gonna try recording with the Melody Maestro but was totally stumped.

Tomorrow I’ll call Barbara and let her know I’m at a dead end again.

Tom just called. He’ll be home in half an hour. Andy will be over tonight or tomorrow night.

Why does R sound familiar? Why do I still sense her? It isn’t that often but last night and today I have. She’s basically said don’t give up and don’t worry about the new neighbors.

Is Robin, or whatever the hell her name is, just a joke? Is whoever it is just posing as Robin? Who is this? What do they want from me? Why do I have this feeling her last name really could be R? What do I do now? I never wanted to give up, but do I really have a choice? I wish we had one of those national phonebooks, but would that really do me any good?

When they first moved out next door, Andy and I both felt the new neighbors would be a nightmare. Well, I know they will be, but right now he’s clueless as to how they’ll be.

I can’t believe that remodeled 3-bedroom house is only going for $67,000. It’s been great, though, not having them over there. Well, I’ll just enjoy it while it lasts, cuz it’ll only be a matter of time before I’m dreaming, wanting, and fantasizing for these quiet peaceful days to return.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 1995 I’ve been too busy, tired, and lazy to write much and I still am. Our visit with Goldie and Al was great.

I feel so much better now. Much more awake and my lungs are less tight. I ate, swam, and Tom whacked my back. It’s been kind of humid, so after being out for quite a while it caught up to me. Even Al’s allergies were bugging him. Also, I could afford to sleep for a good 10 hours or so the next time I fall asleep.

Sun City is absolutely gorgeous. I’d love to live out there. However, old people are the only ones in society who are allowed to live as they want without kids around and you must be 55 or 65 to live there.

Ruth was a very nice lady. Her house wasn’t too impressive, but very nice still. It’s still amazing to know that she lived here for 23 years and is returning to CT.

We had fruit and macaroni salad for lunch topped off with apple pie and ice cream for dessert.

Goldie told me an interesting thing about my mother. Well, as far as I always knew, Mom always hated to write. And when I was just a baby our family went to Florida. Goldie said she began to write a book all about it but never finished it. Wow. I’ll have to ask my mom about it, but I doubt she’ll say much about it, knowing her.

They also said Ma’s afraid of flying. Really? That’s news to me since I know she’s flown before. I think the main reason she won’t fly, whether it makes her uncomfortable or not, is cuz she couldn’t take her dogs that way. She could, but she’d never allow those dogs to be flown.

They also started to bring up the subject of wild parties about 40 years ago. Hmm… I wonder what that was all about? Al didn’t want it brought up, though.

Anyway, they were thrilled about my ear. I blocked my good ear and had Goldie say something. I heard her say I looked beautiful.

It was funny at one point when we were discussing Al’s allergies. First I suggested he put his face over a steaming pot of water and also told him coffee helps. Then he goes, “What do you do with coffee?”

“You drink it,” I said.

Everyone cracked up.

So, we were visiting for 2-3 hours, then we went to Walgreens where we got birthday cards for Kim and Sarah. Both their birthdays are on September 14th. Sarah will be 5 and I believe Kim will be 26.

We also got two pool noodles. Those long skinny Styrofoam-like things. We got a purple one and an orange one and they’re both about 5” long. We finished a roll of film with us playing with those as well as me doing my excellent pool handstands.

Tom put rubber rings around the screws that hold the ceiling fan’s light fixture, but it still makes this squeaking sound here and there, so he’s gonna investigate some more.

For $13 Tom got a CD with 1,000 disappointing fonts. There are only a few new ones I’ve never seen. The rest, we either have them or they’re rip-offs of other fonts. There are a few symbolic ones called harmony and dingbats and I went through and picked out and printed out some I like. There are musical notes, palm trees, stars, flowers, etc.

Andy and I have 3 things to swap with each other which we’ll probably do tomorrow night or the night after that. I have for him his message tape, that uncomfortable lace teddy, and some NPN envelopes. For me, he has that shirt, his new message tape, and that journal. He said the journal has dandelions on it.

I certainly didn’t buy this journal for its cover. I liked its quotes. The cover’s ugly, actually. The woman on it looks like a typical fat, plain-looking mom.

Later…

Last night Tom put a Band-Aid over his nose so I could see if he still snored. He did and I insisted there’s no cure for snoring and as long as we have the fan, it’s OK. He says he just needs to lose weight. I let him know he doesn’t have to, but he says he wants to and will be my sex slave for a week, even if he’s tired. I said that wasn’t good enough, he’s got to get off, too. He said OK. HA HA HA HA!!! This I’ve just gotta see!

This may shock you (it shocks me) and it may only be cuz this is how I want to feel and believe, but I’m starting to think he just may be getting closer to cumming after all. He says there’s no doubt in his mind, but for me, the real belief won’t “cum” till I see him cum.

Andy told me two strong feelings he had today.

Later…

Cool. Tom just showed me how to print out samples of each font. I’m gonna do that with my favorite ones.

So far, Andy was right on 1 of 2 predictions he’s made. He said I’d get no package today. He was right.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 1995 Kim had called so that’s why I ended up getting cut off yesterday.

Basically, my mom and I acknowledged that we each made mistakes, tried our best, and are appreciative of each other’s accomplishments.

Why not Valleyhead, though? She admitted Brattleboro was a mistake, but she never said anything about Valleyhead, which was a million times worse.

Kim’s going in for surgery on the 7th and will probably call me the night before. She may be a nurse, but she’s only human and will no doubt be quite anxious.

She’s also gonna call that night to see if I got anywhere with Lenny K. Oh, I hope! I can’t wait!

Kim said she did mail that secret admirer letter out, so Bob’s probably too shy and embarrassed to bring it up.

Yup, I’d say they’re definitely gone next door. I just hope and pray that we can have a month or two of peace before the new kids and dogs move in over there. I wouldn’t be surprised, though, if the peace is ruined by the new nightmare before I finish this book. I sure hope this is the book where I find out Robin’s full name. Then, if she’s dead or alive.

I finished typing journal 94.

Yesterday, when I talked to Andy, I sure was shocked to hear what he found for me in his apartment dumpster. A journal in perfect condition. He said a few pages were written in. That oughta be neat to check out.

He also found a thin sleeveless shirt that was pink with lace.

Later…

I’ve been busy doing various things, and Tom left for work an hour ago, so now I’ll write some more. Every so often they’re gonna ask Tom to work 2nd shift.

Now for some wonderful news. Goldie and Al called. They’re in Sun City and Goldie’s sister-in-law Ruth (Al’s sister) is selling her house and moving to W. Hartford. W. Hartford! Yuck! That’s no better than Springfield. They’ll be flying into Boston on the 18th of this month. Meanwhile, Tom was here, luckily, to take down directions on getting to the house on Monday at about noon.

That day I’ll also get birthday cards for Sarah and Kim. Also, glue for Ma’s puzzle cuz there’s no way I can flip it. It’s too big and the pieces are loose. They’re definitely not as snug as all the other ones I’ve done. I think I’ll go work on it now and enjoy the peace and quiet. No dogs. No vans.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 1995 I flushed the remainder of my Theodur down the toilet!

I was wrong. Those dogs are still there. I just heard them. I also heard the baby cry. Are they living in their trailer for now? But why would they do that, rather than stay in the house? And why disconnect the phone so early? I thought they were staying with someone else till they moved out of state. Or at the new house if they were staying in the area.

Last night they all drove in and I spied on them with the lights off from the window in the music room. I could see partly into the house. Their living room is a good size and it looks like it’s connected to their kitchen like the apartment I had on Bell Rd. was. I could see a few folding chairs, a radio, a plant, and that was it.

The weird thing was, though, I saw Lenore pick up what I think was a phone. She looked like she held it up to her ear for about 20 seconds, then she moved out of view with it. If she went to pick it up to see if it was disconnected, then why did it take her so long? It only takes 1 second. Not 20 or 30.

Tom just left for work and I’ve got the music cranked louder than I ever have before.

Now they have their trailer hitched to their van, and Tom says they’ll probably leave today. I wonder how well they can hear this music over all those screaming kids? If they can hear the words, then I’m sure they’ll really appreciate Sexy Motherfucker by Prince.

Later…

Holy shit. I just went out back to see if I could hear the music and I couldn’t. How weird. I mean, that music’s too loud even for me. I moved on out to the kitchen.

Today I’m gonna figure out the chords to the song The Sweetest Gift on the guitar, cuz I really love that song and want to record it. A couple of days ago we videotaped me singing Allison while he played keyboards and some of it was pretty good. There were a few notes that were pretty nasally, too. As a trained singer, certain things become so much a part of you that you can’t deprogram. Subconsciously, we breathe differently than those who don’t sing. Other things take serious focus and concentration, so when my mind wanders, or if anything sidetracks me, I get lazy and screw up some of my vowels.

This morning Tom sealed up the cats and the notes but when he went to seal up the notes some of them ran so I’ve got to color in a background.

Later…

I’ve got to clean my CDs. Some of them are really skipping. Soon I’ll call AOL now and see what mail is there.

I’m on the phone right now with Karson who’s not in a great mood. Right now I’m playing her a song she likes by KC and the Sunshine Band that I think sucks. After I get rid of her, I’ll write all about my phone conversation with my mother.

Later…

The van and trailer are gone now. Maybe all of them, their dogs, and stuff are gone. I can’t believe the house hasn’t sold yet, although Tom said the house was for sale for months before they moved in. I didn’t know that. Oh, it’d be so wonderful if no one was there for 4-6 months. Either way, though, whether the house sells now or in a few months, I must face and go through the inevitable, as I said before. There’s no avoiding it. It can be delayed, but not avoided. Oh, how I wish one of the 4 houses across the street with no dogs, no kids, or older kids all grown up could be plopped down next door and their house thrown across the street! I can dream, can’t I?

I had a great talk with my mother, but there’s one thing she said that’s got me contemplating lying to her and telling her I’m dancing. She said, “Get a little job, work with kids or at a hospital. Be a little more independent.”

She knows I am independent and that I have my share of responsibilities around the house, but since there’ll be no kid, I may as well make them a bit happier with a little lie and say I’m dancing part-time which I told her I was thinking about. It won’t hurt anyone.

Why is it that people think that those who are home with no kids are doing either nothing or not enough? Just cuz I don’t have a child doesn’t mean I can’t occupy my time well today, next week, next month, next year, and every year after that. It’s not always easy, though, and I have my moments of laziness and boredom, but I try. I try as hard as I can. Tom and I share our lives together and do things together, but aren’t each other’s parents. He can go to the racetracks or do whatever he wants and so can I cuz we know we’re #1 to each other and where our top priorities are. If he wanted to go out, but I was sick and needed him, I know all I’d have to do is ask him to please stay home and help me out and he would. The same goes for if he were sick. Meanwhile, we’re free agents with excellent judgment as to what to do and when to do it.

First Mom told me she sent out a package to us yesterday. She was teasing me by saying it was many bars of soap, toilet paper, and other non-edible stuff. Get it? She’s referring back to the days when I was broke. That’s the type of stuff they’d send me. If I don’t get the package tomorrow, I’ll probably get it Monday.

Naturally, I’m skeptical when she says that next summer is her target for coming out here, but nonetheless, she tells me she always thinks of me and has never stopped loving me.

Later…

I was talking with Andy, so I’ll finish with what my mom and I were talking about before I get into what Andy and I were talking about.

Mom said she realized the Brattleboro Retreat was wrong, but that she (cut off due to phone call)

[evvlevie]

I SHIFTED FOR THE FIRST TIME !!!!  (as detailed as a shifting blogger can be but scroll down for the juicy part)

Hi, Hello, my beautiful beautiful readers! It's your favorite blogger Evie again and I don't know where to begin 😭 You've read the title so you know damn well what this post is about, and I am freaking over the moon to say it finally happened!

"So how did you shift?" Is most likely your very first question, and I promise I will answer it, but not without giving you full context on what led up to this magical event (or just scroll down in case only the shifting part concerns you)

so as I mentioned in my last post I had been in this state of not putting any effort into my shifting attempts anymore and basically treating shifting like any other of my manifestations: that it will happen on its own, if I simply want to.

⇣the post in question in case you're interested⇣

"Did it work?", you may be wondering. It did not. It might work for other people, because some points I made in that post still apply to me, but the idea of just counting on it to happen on its own didn't really work in my case. This being said, just because it didn't work for me, doesn't mean it can't work for you, and if you are an advanced manifestor who has complete trust in the law, this mindset might even be yours to apply.

Ever since I posted this, some days went by and my typical shifting-cycle repeated. I didn't shift after being so confident I would, and then the realization hit hard and I became severely demotivated. I even told my shifting bestie I was about to give up and lucky for me she motivated me and gave me back my faith. Speaking of faith: I had been noticing that certain angel numbers kept reoccurring in my life. The numbers being 1237 and 119. These numbers seem random, but 12:37 is the time my niece was born and 11th of September is my birthday. (yes I was born on 9/11, no not in the year that it happened, but two years later which is basically irrelevant information but it's a little fun fact about me.) I always thought the universe was showing me my birthday, up until I googled both of these numbers and realized they both mean something among the lines of "keep faith and trust in the universe". And lucky for you I did.

⇣small fangirl and shout-out-moment ⇣

Then on Monday I had a doctors appointment, and being bored in the waiting room I opened Tumblr. My feed was full of law of assumption content and I actually took the time and read through them all, and I reposted the ones I felt like gave me a lot of insight. Now to the freaking craziest part of all of this. (okay not true but it sure meant the world to me). I wake up in Tuesday and see that THE @astra-nomy reposted my post about the newest shifting tip I had found, and not only that, my comfort-shifter @multiversebaddie not only liked one of my posts, BUT FOLLOWED ME BACK. All in the same night and even right after another. CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT THAT DID TO ME????? I was like no, nope you guys, I can't not shift if my favourite shifting and loa bloggers fucking found out I existed. (APHRODITE FOLLOWS ME I CANT COMPREHEND THAT). Plus @lavender--fairy commented on the post mentioned earlier, and her post that I reblogged, was the one who actually gave me the key to shifting. Hell yes. I mean I knew what I needed to know from other bloggers anyway, but her post actually brought me back to the correct mindset.

✧THE ACTUAL SHIFTING EXPERIENCE AKA THE REASON YOU ARE READING THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE✧

so now it is Wednesday. I never really talked about what DR I am shifting to, and I mentioned it somewhere on an old ass post but to put it as briefly as I can: my DR contains a certain group of YouTubers, and I am shifting so I can be friends with them. Now they post videos on Wednesdays and due to the time difference I get to watch them at 11:30 pm, so basically right before going to bed. I went and grabbed a quick shower and then I laid in bed and started doing what I was always doing: affirming. But due to me being me this quickly turned into overthinking and overcomplicating EVERYTHING which is why I stopped, went back on TikTok to clear my thoughts a little and then returned to my attempt.

✨ THE METHOD ✨

☞ I laid in a position most comfortable to me and I started imagining myself in my DR making myself ready for bed. In my head I reminded myself of the thing that I was able to remember due to @lavender--fairy 's post: The 4D is the real reality, and the 3D is only the translation of your inner thoughts. meaning: if I can visualize it, I am already IN it.

☞ Along with me imagining my DR-me doing what I did, I always reminded myself (affirming if you will) that if I can imagine it, I am in it. I purposely chose the Visualization of me doing things I was already doing in my CR day-to-day because you can feel the moment so much better and ground yourself in that reality way easier than imagining me climbing a mountain since I never did that.

☞ I was making myself aware over and over again, that the imagination is the real reality and that if I can imagine it, I am in it. For as long as I was trying to fall asleep. I even moved and rearranged my position constantly, imagining that I was my DR-me doing the same thing. I really just emerged myself in that visualization and started feeling what ever I did, because essentially that's how manifestation works. You don't need to worry about the 3D, and you don't have to feel like you're lacking something. You imagined it in the 4D, so you already did it silly!

☞ In combination to that I never forced myself to stay focused on my DR. Because as mentioned in this post below, you are supposed to let you mind do its own thing in a way, because you can't shift If you are too aware of what you are trying to do.

✨ THE MOMENT ✨

I found myself in this weird state between falling asleep and still being conscious enough to see and understand what you are envisioning. So I was technically awake while it happened. I didn't visualize my DR anymore, instead my mind went into a completely different direction and I saw myself buying milk with Harry Styles. No I did not even script him into my DR, this was just my brain doing brain things. Nonetheless I was still affirming that if I can see it, I am in it, and suddenly I felt myself getting pulled. I heard a little whooshing sound and I literally zoomed out of my body. I was standing in a dark corridor and I could see an open door in the distance with a little something happening in the room it was leading to but I was too far away to see what was happening. Suddenly the corridor started spinning and I felt myself getting pulled into a whole different door. I gained consciousness in this unknown room, but I couldn't tell where I was, or what I was seeing, because it was just dark in there and my eyes had no chance of adjusting quickly enough. I panicked and before I could even comprehend it, I knew I set the intention to shift back to my CR. I got pulled back into this mysterious corridor and shoved into another door by some weird energy and I opened my eyes back in the CR. I know it wasn't a dream because this whole zooming out, the mysterious energy sending me from door to door and the random dark room felt way too physical for it to be a dream. I could literally feel myself in this corridor as only a "being" of some sort, but definitely not as a human with a physical form. From the many success stories I have read regarding shifting realities, I have noticed that many shifters do not reach their desired reality on their first try. Almost every shifter that has talked about shifting mentioned that their first shift was weird and to a strange, undefined reality. (@multiversebaddie shifted to a random ass classroom for example)

✨ ADVICE TO TAKE AWAY FROM THIS EXPERIENCE ✨

I believe I shifted when I did, because my mind was in this gloomy state between conscious and unconscious, which ultimately made me believe myself on the spot when I told myself the affirmations I mentioned earlier. I did not doubt them and that's probably why the void state is such a powerful state to be in, because even if I wasn't, I imagine it to be very similar to this.

Another thing, that won't hurt you is educating yourself on the law of assumption. I know it helped me a lot and I believe that people who struggle with shifting, would benefit if they understood the way manifestation worked because ultimately manifestation and shifting is the same thing.

If you read everything from top to bottom: I love you. If you are doubting shifting, your ability to do it, or wether or not it is real: I can guarantee you as a first-person-witness: not only is it real, it's something every single dingus out there can achieve! And if I can help you in any way, shape, or form: don't be afraid to ask.

I send a lot of love and a lot of positive vibes to everyone reading this! I had been waiting to do this post ever since I created my blog and I still can't believe that I finally got to do it 😭

Yours in every reality

Evie <3

[komfortkiri]

HELP WANTED (PART 1)

WOLF QUIRK F!READER x HANTA SERO x EIJIRO KIRISHIMA WORD COUNT: 1,724 TW/CW: BULLYING MENTION, PARENTAL ABANDONMENT, PANIC ATTACK MENTION (ONCE)

NOTES: I’ll make a banner for this series whenever I get my shit together on Photoshop, lol. I’ve been on a Sero/Kiri thing lately plus this was brewing in my head so I wanted to hurry and type it all down before I forgot it.

“ HELP WANTED! 3RD AND FINAL ROOMMATE FOR A 3 BEDROOM, 2 BATH HOUSE. — MUST BE RESPONSIBLE AND RELIABLE. TEXT THE NUMBER FOR ANY QUESTIONS. NAME IS KIRI. ”

You had been staring at this ad for a couple of days now. Surely they must have found someone by now, right? You were new around the area and being on your own, wasn’t quite what you had imagined. Your parents? Well, your mom up and decided to leave you behind after bringing you home from the hospital and your dad.. He’s always been there but you wanted to prove you could finally be on your own. You were 24 for God’s sake, of course you could do it, but sometimes— you found yourself wondering if you bit off more than you could chew. Living in this big city full of crazy quirks of all kind, including yours, it was pretty overwhelming.

Oh, your quirk? Well, you were part wolf and people could tell that from looking at you, due to your pointed black ears that rested on either side of the top of your head plus a tail that was pretty fluffy and was also black in color.. Can’t forget the fangs that you have, too. Your howl could deafen someone for a brief amount of time, distracting them. You also had the agility which mean you could run— fast. 

Growing up wasn’t easy at all. You were often teased about your appearance. Kids would pull your tail, thinking it didn’t hurt you when in reality, it did. You spent majority of your childhood wondering why you had to have such an awful quirk, blaming your father since he was also part wolf. However, as you got older, you became more mature and focused more on yourself. Of course, you apologized to your father, which brought the two of your closer, allowing you to confess the reasoning behind why your child days were so… dark and why you lashed out in such ways. 

Your father was a strong man, taking on a few jobs at a time to support you and his self while also keeping the bills paid on time. You admired him for that but you didn’t want to depend on him anymore which led you to where you are right this second— staring at this damned ad, wondering when you’re going to build up some type of courage to text the number. “Oh, for all that is holy, just do it.” You grew tired of being scared so you brought out your phone and texted the number.

TO KIRI: Hey… I was texting about your ad about needing a third roommate and wanted to inquire about it, if you haven’t found anyone yet.

You thought about it again.. What if it was a scam? Oh, you literally brought your palm to your forehead, tapping it a times then halted when your phone buzzed. You looked at the screen, eyes widening in surprise because it was the number from the ad. You had your phone set to where you wouldn’t be able to see previews of your messages unless you unlocked it fully. You braced yourself for a ‘Sorry, we’ve found someone’ or something along those lines. You wouldn’t be surprised since it did take you forever to even act on this whole thing. You swiped left on the message, unlocked your phone, squeezing your eyes shut then took a deep breath. Your right eye slowly opened, eyesight adjusting to the brightness of your screen then falling amongst the words of this Kiri’s response. Your other eye shot open in shock, both your ears perking up.

FROM KIRI: Awesome! We haven’t really had any luck with anyone reliable.. so since that’s the case.. would you mind if me and the other roommate meet you for, say.. coffee? How’s tomorrow morning sound around 8:30-ish?

Thinking to yourself, were you reliable? Of course, you were. Responsible? Absolutely. You worked at a local animal shelter, coincidentally. You worked more with dogs than cats, though, which came with the territory. Dogs obviously gravitated more to you given your natural wolf scent that only they detected with their sense of smell. Recently, you were moved into a management position so you were paid pretty well, which struck up this whole idea to be on your own, per se. Before you could think any further, did you work tomorrow? No, perfect. You rolled over onto your stomach on your bed, tail moving from side-to-side.

TO KIRI: Of course! That sounds great. There’s a coffee shop a few blocks from where I currently stay.. called Camille’s Cafe, not sure if you have heard of it or would prefer something else?

Were you coming off pushy? Demanding? At this point, you didn’t know and you were so nervous that it was driving you crazy but before you could go into panic mode— you got a text back, agreeing on the meeting place and everything. That was… easy.. almost too easy.. Either way, you were thankful they wanted to meet in a public setting in case they really were scammers. That’s when the thought had hit you.. What if they were guys? Kiri didn’t necessarily sound like a guy’s name.. did it? You laughed at your overthinking. No way these were guys.

With that, you looked at the clock on your bedroom wall, it reading 9:30 PM. You decided to go ahead and settle into bed to get enough rest so you didn’t look like a walking zombie when you met your potential roommates for coffee. You plugged in your phone to the charger and laid down, laying awake for an extra hour or so before drifting to sleep.

After a long day of getting phone call after phone call, text after text from different people saying they were interested in their ad, Eijiro and Hanta were close to giving up. Everyone who showed interest had some type of flaw about them, whether it be a bad history of paying rent on time or being an awful roommate in the past. It was becoming annoying, to say the very least. After denying everyone who reached out, Eijiro thought it was best to just block all the numbers to prevent further contact.

“Bro, I’m beginning to lose hope. We probably won’t ever find someone else to move in with us.” Hanta sat down on the couch in the living room with a sigh, kicking his feet up on the table in front of him. “Might as well talk to Kats about ditching that condo he’s in to move in over here with us.” They had thought about that a few times but even the slight mention of a roommate the first time, their friend, Katsuki, was the first to say not to even consider him because he valued his privacy. They didn’t press further because they understood and knew how he was. 

Eijiro sat on the other end of the couch, directly across from Hanta, leaning forward to prop his elbows on his knees and his head on his hands. “You know exactly how that’ll go, Sero. I say the next person that texts us, we invite to coffee and really figure shit out. It’s been days since we posted that ad, and you know that we need the help we can get.” Hanta nodded in agreement then both their eyes shot down to Eijiro’s phone that lit up with a unsaved number, inquiring about the roommate situation. Hanta moved over to the same side as where Eijiro was to sit down once the red head picked up his phone to look at the message. 

“Huh, look at that! It’s almost like this person heard you.” Hanta chuckled, looking over the message. “What do you think? Coffee?” Eijiro nodded then sent his first text out in response to the inquirer.

TO (YOU): Awesome! We haven’t really had any luck with anyone reliable.. so since that’s the case.. would you mind if me and the other roommate meet you for, say.. coffee? How’s tomorrow morning sound around 8:30-ish?

Sero scowled, “8:30 in the morning, dude? You really must be desperate because we sleep till like noon on our days off. That or you’re hoping it’s a girl.” He laughed then got up to circle around the furniture to head to the kitchen. “I mean, it might be a girl… and it might be good for us. Could teach us a few things.” Kirishima didn’t think about what all that last statement could entail but Sero, thankfully, didn’t catch onto it. “I guess so. Did they respond?” Just as soon as he finished asking his question, another text came through. 

“How do you feel about Camille’s down the road?” Kirishima looked over to Sero who thought for a minute then shrugged with a nod, “Alright, yeah. I could go for one of her bagels. We haven’t seen the lady in a while so we should pay her a visit.” Camille was an older woman who had a heart of gold and loved both Kirishima and Sero. They always were such gentleman when they came in but they stopped going once the crime rate escalated the past few weeks. 

“That’s true. I told the person it sounded great so. Let’s head to bed so we can actually wake up early and look decent instead of a mess.” Kirishima rose from the sofa to head toward his room. Sero called out, “Wouldn’t have to get beauty sleep at all if you didn’t schedule this meeting at the crack ass of dawn.” With that, Kirishima held out his arm behind him, giving Sero the middle finger. “Stop your bitching and go to bed, princess.”

Sero laughed and both settled into bed for the night. While one went to sleep pretty quick, the other laid awake, wondering who this mystery person could be. The thought of whether it was a female or not, really stuck to Eijiro’s mind. He had hoped that if it was, they wouldn’t be scared away by the fact that they’d be living with two guys should they accept the offer at all. Kirishima wanted them to be as comfortable as possible and that’s what he intended on doing and without noticing, he drifted into a deep sleep.

[brainrot-the-frog]

Moments in time | Hashira

《Imagines》 《Inspired by KNY Imagines [to the moon] on Tumblr》

This post contains spoilers for Kimetsu No Yaiba/Demon slayer!

《6:02, AM》 《Mitsuri Kanroji》

You chuckled as you felt sweet kisses tickle your neck up to your jaw.

"Mitsuri! We must get up!"

You said with barely any force behind your words, truly, you didn't want to leave your bed, you didn't want to have to leave Mitsuri either. 

And man did she know that. 

She subtly held and pinned your hands as she continued to kiss you. Her lips connected with every bit of skin on your face and neck, until finally, her lips made contact with yours.

One word. It took one word for you to completely give in and be at her mercy. She gave you a kiss so tender you forgot to breathe, she inched her lips to your ears and whispered smoothly,

"Stay..."

《7:34, AM》《Shinobu Kochou》

"You need to slow down! You're going to choke!"

Shinobu yelled as she flailed her arms in front of your figure, you were downing every rice ball, oatmeal, eggs, and meat on the table you shared. You were beyond hungry for whatever reason, and Shinobu merely watched blankly as you began to choke violently.

"My, my, what did I tell you?" She huffed before expertly delivering pressure to your stomach and in one extra push, the piece of food escaped your mouth. You began panting in a crouched form, with your lover crouched in front of you with a hand on your shoulder.

"Thank you so much... I'm sorry for not listening...." you said as Shinobu offered you a glass of water. You let out a much needed exhale as you drank it all.

"My~ you'd truly be dead without me hm?"

"I would." The two of you chuckled until suddenly you inched closer, Shinobu gave the smile of a vixen before swiftly connecting her lips with yours. She cupped your face and deepened the kiss until you departed for air.

"But to be frank...." she stroked your cheek lovingly and gave you a genuine smile only you were capable of getting from her.

"I wouldn't be able to live without you too..."

《9:15, AM》《Sanemi Shinazugawa》

"Oi Sanemi! I've brought you some ohagi!" You grinned as you held a plate of ohagi in your hands. You realized Sanemi was training and thought it would be a nice treat.

"Took you long enough..." he sat down next to you and gratefully took the treat and downed it with ease.

You chuckled in seeing the little bits of ohagi remains on the outskirts of his mouth.

"Why the hell are you laughing? What's so funny?" You covered your mouth to suppress a snicker, though it still urked Sanemi for the sudden secrecy.

"Whatever.." he glared slightly.

"I want another one.." Sanemi leaned in your direction, not noticing the fact your eyes were on his lips. Swiftly you took a small bite of the ohagi in your hands before planting your lips on Sanemi's.

His eyes grew wide in suprise, the sweet decadent taste of the dessert amplified the effect of your lips, Sanemi was reduced to a vulnerable shell as you pressed on. You departed for air, your eyes opened slowly to see the surprised face of your lover.

"I think...." you licked your lips.

"I made the ohagi too sweet again," you cooed slyly.

《11:54, AM》《Kyojuro Rengoku》

"You must hone your body to become the best version of yourself! I believe in you!!" Kyojuro remained enthusiastic even at the sight of your sweating, slightly dead body panting a storms worth.

"EASY FOR YOU TO SAY! NO MATTER WHAT VERSION YOU'RE STILL THE BEST!" His eyes went wider, much to your surprise. He smiled a soft, and loving smile you couldn't look away from no matter how bright.

"I believe in you okay? I know you think I'm going hard on you but that's because I know you're destined for greatness. But I understand that forcing you will not help... you may train at your own pace, I still believe in you no matter what." You swear your heart leaped to your throat as he said each word like honey, his loving eyes and smile were toppings on the cake.

"Y-you.." you were at a loss for words at the short vulnerable moment Kyojuro had given to you without much thought.

"I love you so much.." you embraced him, he smiled as you buried your face into the crook of his neck.

"No matter what happens I will love you always."

You remember him saying as you wiped your tears into the familiar white haori decorated with flames.

《1:30, PM》《Muichiro Tokito》

"Are you thinking about him again?" Muichirou rested at your side, you hugged the white haori tighter as he put his arm around your shoulder.

"I miss him too, I really do. But he wouldn't want you to mourn him. He'd want you to be strong and become the best version of yourself..." he rested his head on your shoulder as he sighed.

"But for me... I'm fine with your mourning, crying, and sadness..  I don't want you to bottle your emotions, I want them to be free without constraint, without judgement...." he trailed off his words... his eyes now viewing the sun rays outside.

"Come.." he softly lifted you up, his hand giving you support to walk. As the light came into view you were stunned by the warmth of the sun. It came down upon you as if you were a stranded boat in a violent sea, feeding you with peace and hope.

Like he did.

"Thank you Muichirou..." you kissed his cheek and laid your head on his shoulder.

"Anything for you..." you didn't know it..

But he needed just as much comfort as you did.

《4:42, PM》《Iguro Obanai》

"Kaburamaru.. what're you doing here?" The Ivory serpent head butted your cheek, a small hiss escaping its mouth, as if they were trying to tell you something.

"Where's Iguro?" Kaburamaru wrapped around your lifted arm, you felt a slight pull at it coming from the snake. You trudged forward as you sang a soft tune, your plan was to visit Iguro anyway, so Kaburamaru's arrival was anything but an interruption.

You found yourself at the entrance of his estate, you knew well that he probably would be sleeping by now, you also knew that the Snake Pillar usually sleeps on tree branches.

It didn't take you long to find him since his black and white haori was an eyecatcher in the crowd of brown and green.

You stared upward at his sleeping face, Kaburamaru left your arm and slithered to Iguro's. That movement wasn't enough to wake him though, but you knew what was.

"I–Gu–Ro~!" You trudged up, and you were just able to to meet your face with his, you kissed the cloth that covered his lips, you felt him lean forward into the lip lock as his eyes began to open.

"Good morning.." he yawned.

"It's 4 o' clock silly!"

《6:56, PM》《Gyomei Himejima》

"I must ask... why do you choose to hang around me like this?" Gyomei asked, the two of you were sat outside near a lake. You were being hugged from behind by Gyomei.

"Because you're always working! I never get time with you!" You heard a chuckle as deep as the ocean, Gyomei rested his head on yours.

"I have a duty, as a Pillar, I must work twice as hard. You understand, no?" You sighed as you leaned into his embrace, his touch brought you peace albeit your thoughts were anything but. You had to talk about them.

"You need time for yourself, you need to work at your own pace and not do anything so taxing.. I know you're one of the most strongest humans alive, but even you have a limit, I'm telling you about this because I care about you.." You turned around to face him, his mouth was slightly ajar, he didn't expect you to say that. Ever.

Tears. Suddenly he was tearing up, your first instict was to wipe them away however they poured and poured.

"I–I understand.. perhaps.. I could treat myself to some peace... with you?" He didn't even have to ask. You smiled, then passionately kissed him.

"I love you.." you whispered out to him.

"I love you too."

《8:21, PM》 《Giyuu Tomioka》

"Ouch!" You hissed as Giyuu carefully rubbed healing ointment on your wounded arm. He tried to be as gentle as possible however it still stung.

"This is why I told you not to stray so far," he said blankly, but you could sense the undertones of worry as well as the boiling frustration that began to grow.

"I wasn't aware of the other Kizuki's presence, I didn't expect the demons to be together at all—" You grunted in pain as Giyuu tightened the bandages on your arm.

"Which is why I told you not to be so reckless and idiotic! You fail to understand your own limits! I hate it!" You swore that if he kept tightening the bandages, he'd rip up a dozen more injuries.

"G–Giyuu! Stop it!" You gasped as you retreated your arm, you could visibly see the veins in your arms.

"I–" his eyes went wide as he realized what he had just done. "I'm so sorry– please forgive me–!" You tackle hugged him to the floor, without thought his arms wrapped around your waist, enveloping you in a tight warm embrace.

"I know you're frustrated, and I understand you only did that out of worry.. but you have to understand I'm not so fragile and soft, Giyuu. However, you are one of the only people that can make me that way... I did what I did, so you didn't have to." There was silence as you cupped his face with your hands. You let out a sad smile at the sight of his eyes. Dark, but filled with so much emotion.

"I can't lose you, I won't lose anyone else.." he whispered.

"I'm not going anywhere," you softly gave him a kiss, the feel of your lips reducing him to a baby.

"No matter what happens, I will love you always."

《11:11, PM》 《Tengen Uzui》

"why are you up so late?" 

Tengen came up from behind you and kissed your shoulder, you smiled as his hands were carefully placed on your once cold ones. You were staring back at the glowing moon, its breathtaking shine rained down upon the two of you. Making the moment even sweeter.

"I believe this is the time of night where one makes a wish." You turned to give Tengen a kiss before looking back at the moon.

"Oh? Have you thought of any wishes?" He asked, holding you tighter.

"Hm.. maybe to be more flamboyant?" You smiled in seeing the look of utter bewilderment your husband gave you.

"You are the love of my life! So naturally you have reached maximum flamboyance! You're wasting your wish Love! Think of another!" You giggled like a child. 

You loved and cherished every moment you've spent with the man beside you, but you also cherished the time you've spent with the others.

Slowly but surely, the answer came to you.

.

"I wish to spend every moment in time, with the ones I love."

(I'm bringing all of my old works from my Quotev to Tumblr! It'll take a while since I've written a lot!)

[hisunshiine]

—trade secrets |myg|

⟢ pairing: CEO!Yoongi x Assistant!Reader 

⟢ word count: 3.4k 

⟢ genre + warnings: coworkers to lovers au || nsfw 18+ some angast, smut, & fluff: 𝘴𝘮𝘭𝘶𝘧𝘧™️; explicit sex: kissing, oral f. receiving, fingering, spanking, unprotected vaginal penetration, creampie, semi-public sex (office, bathroom)  

⟢ summary: you’ve been pining over your boss forever, but when you and he finally cross that line, it’s not exactly all hearts and rainbows. 

⟢ authors note: originally posted to twitter, i hope you enjoy!

Sat at your desk, you shuffled the papers neatly in order to staple them at the top left hand corner. The finished report was for the 2:30 PM meeting, and your boss would be needing it by 1 PM to review it for his presentation. Out of all of the assistants for the department, he trusted you the most. After several years of working for the company, you were basically Min Yoongi’s personal assistant, despite there being 3 of you to serve the 3 project managers. 

This had been a foreign concept when you had first joined the company, used to being assigned to a specific manager at your old job, but you enjoyed this set up so much more. It allowed you to help each other handle all of the tasks as a group, being more efficient. It also helped with having days off, without it impacting work since there were still 2 assistants who knew what was going on no matter what projects were being handled. But for Min Yoongi, you were his favorite. 

Of course, out of the other 2 project managers, Park Jimin and Jung Hoseok, you felt like Yoongi was your favorite too. Ever since starting, you had just gravitated towards him. He was the complete opposite of his coworkers, who were both loud and rambunctious. This didn’t mean Yoongi didn’t also get loud, on the contrary, he could definitely raise his voice, but he was typically calm and quiet, often sitting back and listening before speaking. 

You on the other hand, were definitely more like Jimin and Hoseok. You supposed this was why you liked Yoongi so much. He balanced out your wild nature, the calming flower to settle your fluttering butterfly wings on and just… rest. Not that he knew any of this. Yoongi was blind to the way that you pined after him.

“Y/N, do you have that report ready?” Yoongi’s voice, a honeyed, low sound reverberated in the space above your head, and you looked up, startled. So caught up in the daydream that always took over when you were fresh from the carbload of lunch, you felt yourself heat up as the star of the very daydream held his calloused hand out to you.

“Oh, y-yes, Yoongi-ssi, right here.”

You gathered up the report you had recently stapled and placed it in his waiting hand as he cleared his throat, nimble fingers straightening his tie. How one subtle movement could send your body into overdrive made no sense to you, but his eye contact conveyed so much more than just a look. It filled you with a heat that had nothing to do with the summer temperatures.

“Thank you… I’ll get you when it’s time for the meeting.” His free hand lightly brushed your forearm, lingering, leaving a burning sensation in its wake. You wanted nothing more than to be wrapped in his touch, a fire spreading across your body.

The meeting went off without a hitch, as you knew it would, and slowly you packed up the conference room of the equipment that had been used for the presentation. As the assistant to the project managers, you were privy to all the plans, and knew that you would be working non-stop the next few weeks to help get everything done for the managers. Their project was approved by their CEO, and you knew starting tomorrow, it would be all engines go.

Pushing the cart with the projector and company laptop back out into the hallway, you watched as the managers walked off ahead of you, headed to their separate offices—located next to each other—as you wheeled the tech cart back to the IT wing.

“Thank you so much Jungkook!” You smiled at your best friend of 8 years, who had helped you and one of the other assistants, set up the presentation slides on the new system Jimin had wanted to utilize. A tall, muscular nerd, (who also happened to be dating the other said assistant) your best friend pushed his glasses a little higher up his nose as he took the cart from you.

“Not a problem, babe. Hey.. what did Yoongi think of your skirt?” He whispered, winking at you.

“He didn’t even bat an eye. It’s pointless, Kook. He’s never gonna notice me.” You sigh, bending at the waist to lean against his desk. Your elbows braced your weight as you wiggled your hips.

“Well maybe if you did this little dance for him, he would.”

You laugh.

“No way, so I can get sent to HR for sexual harassment training? Please. That retraining video is a snooze fest.” You continue swaying side to side, more so to stretch out the kink in your lower back from sitting so long working on the presentation than anything, when Jungkook’s eyes grow impossibly bigger. He said nothing though; you assumed he’s reacting to your words about the harassment video. That is, until a voice cut through the silence.

“Y/N, u-uhm.. When you’re done with IT, can you—actually, I can, uhm, I can handle it myself.”

You had just managed to take in the sight of a shocked Min Yoongi, eyes focused on your ass as you put it on display, before he was whirling from the room, his pale porcelain skin a blotchy red.

Jungkook’s laughter cut through the embarrassed silence as you stand up, hands covering your face as you cringe internally at what had just happened. Leaving Jungkook’s office a few minutes later, you couldn’t help but smile a little bit through the mortification at the way Yoongi stuttered as he stared at your ass.

-

“Y/N, can you email me over the notes from the meeting yesterday?” 

Yoongi paused on his way out of the office at your desk, several days after the mishap in Jungkook’s IT department. He hadn’t appeared to be affected when you had seen him back on your side of the building not even 10 minutes after the incident, and had seemed rather nonplussed once you had made it back to your desk and began sorting through your tasks. Now that several days had passed, you had also gone back to acting normal. If normal consisted of the secret pining over your boss and complaining to your best friend and his girlfriend at happy hour that yet again another ploy to catch Yoongi’s eye had failed. 

“I’ll have the info emailed over to you now.”

“Thanks; I’m headed out to grab lunch, do you want anything?”

You smiled at him, shaking your head no. 

“I brought something to eat, but thank you Yoongi-ssi.”

Yoongi began to walk away towards the elevators when he stopped and turned to face you.

“Can you stay late tonight? We have our first deadline for the project and the other two girls can’t stay.” 

You felt your heart—the very one in your chest that had just started to beat faster—slow it’s rate. He had asked the other girls first, and you felt disappointment at being a last minute ask. You were confused at first as to why the other girls couldn’t stay, until you remembered that there were only two of you today anyways; the third being Jungkook’s girlfriend, and they were gone on a “baecation” to Jeju Island for the weekend.

“No problem, boss. Um, actually, can I change my mind about lunch then? I can save this for dinner.”

He nodded and you texted him your order as he walked off.

-

Time seemed to be moving so slowly, but it was already close to 11 PM. The finishing touches on the first assignment were nearly completed, and if anyone were to walk into his office, they would be able to see that it indeed appeared as if work had been happening. Your lunch turned dinner had been eaten around 6, and Yoongi had ordered takeout around 9, of which empty containers now lay abandoned on surfaces, wooden chopsticks haphazardly positioned in them. 

Papers were strewn along the mahogany desk, laid on the floor as well, and you were ready to be done with this task. Leaning over Yoongi’s shoulder, your eyes were narrow as you scanned the final document for mistakes. You braced yourself with your right forearm, left hand on the back of his computer chair. 

This close to him, you could smell his cologne, a deep musk scent with hints of a sweet vanilla like essence. His hair, ruffled by his hands so many times, looked fucked out with sprouts sticking each way. Your eyes drifted to those hands, handling the mouse and resting on the keyboard, and you licked your lips slowly. 

Everything about him was arousing you at this hour, and you wished that he would take notice of the way your blouse had appeared to unbutton more and more as time had crept by tonight. If he would just turn his head slightly to you... the way you were leaning had your breasts dangerously close to making an appearance. Your thoughts of how hot it would be for him to take you on this desk had your arousal leaking, your panties embarrassingly wet as they clung to your skin.

Letting out an intentionally soft sigh, you adjust your hand on the edge of his desk and form your lips to ask a random made up question, anything to get him to look at you, when he does exactly as you had hoped. His face, close to yours, turns to speak, but the words die in his throat as he takes you in. 

“Yoongi?” Your voice is soft, and you end his name with a bite to your bottom lip, a movement that doesn’t go unnoticed by him. You take a deep breath, knowing how your chest must look from his angle, hoping that the rise and fall would push them forward just the right amount.   

“You..” he clears his throat, eyes on your cleavage shamelessly, “—do you know what you do to me when you tease me like this?”

His eyes snap to yours, pulling a startled gasp from your throat and you stutter a response.

“T-Tease you? I—” Yoongi turned in his chair and his fingers gripped your waist as you stood abruptly.

“Yes.” 

That one word was uttered with a growl before he pulled your lips to his. The kiss was sloppy, a mess of lips fervently moving as tongues sought out the taste of each other. You were on fire, his grip pulling you down onto his lap so that you straddled him. His length strained against his pants, the feel of it twitching in time to your moans against your core. You grinded against him as your lips traveled to his neck, and he tilted his head to give you better access. 

“Do you know—fuck—just how badly you drive me crazy. These skirts, unbuttoned shirts, that fucking display in IT the other day..” his low voice panting out that you had successfully gotten to him. You pulled back, lips glossy and pupils dilated, taking in the red across his cheeks.

“That was an accident, I wasn’t trying to tease you then.”

“Just all the other times.” His eyes glinted.

“I..”

“If you wanted me to fuck you, you should’ve just asked.”

He leaned in again, arms wrapped around you as he connected your lips again. You knew you had to be messing up his pants, but neither of you seemed to care. He groaned, lifting you to stand. 

“I need to be inside of you..” He flipped you, so you faced the desk and folded you at the waist. Chest to the desk, he lifted your skirt up. “I’m over you teasing me, babe. Your turn.”

Yoongi eyed your clothed core, taking note of the wetness that clung to it, running his index finger along your slit until he found your swollen nub. Pressing on it, he traced circles, causing you to squirm. He loved seeing you like this, finally, after all the wet dreams of you, he had you like this: a sopping mess on his desk, whining for more.

He kneels, fingers gripping the edge of your panties and in a swift motion he exposes you.

“Fuck, babe, I can’t wait to fill this cunt...”

You flinch as his warm tongue glides from clit to opening, tasting you, leaving you with an unsuspecting smack to your asscheek. You wiggle, more turned on then you imagined you could be and when he groans in appreciation, you clench, needy.

“Please Yoongi, p-please fuck me.”

You hear him stand and undo his pants, whine when he dips two fingers into you and begins to fuck you with them.

“Not what I want,” you complain like the brat you are, and he chuckles darkly.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be glad I prepped you.” He scissors his fingers, stretching you as your natural lubricant slickens his fingers. The sound of finger fucking would usually make you blush, but you’re too aroused by the naughtiness of it. Your boss, knuckle deep into your throbbing cunt, his handprint on your ass. 

He spits, and you hear his left hand slide up and down his hardened shaft, the sound intertwined with the squelching between your legs. 

“Fuck me, p-please,” you’re begging now, hands gripping the edge of the desk, and you push back into him when you feel the head of his cock line up with your opening.

“Patience, baby.” Yoongi dips just the tip in, shallow fucking you until you’re practically crying from the taunting stimulation.

“Yoongi, I swear to G—oh!”

Yoongi thrusts into you, and your walls suck him in, sliding him in until he bottoms out, his pelvis snug to your ass, and he groans loudly. His hands knead at your ass, pulling your cheeks apart so he can inch deeper, watching the way you wrap around him so nicely, like you were made to take his cock. He pulls out slowly before slamming his hips back into you, enjoying the way you mewl from his cock kissing your cervix. 

It’s like Yoongi transforms into a feral animal, one stroke inside of you and he’s laying on your back, arms wrapping around you to clutch at your breasts as he pistons his hips, fucking into you with all of the strength his ex-basketball playing thighs carry. You feel him bite your back, your shirt softening the blow, but you clench regardless.

“D-Do that again, sweetheart, fuck that felt so good..”

You clench repeatedly, tightening your grip on him, and he feels so good inside of you, your toes are curling, loud exhalations with every thrust; you’re so close.

“Where, uh, where can I—I’m gonna—”

“Inside me, Yoongi, fuck, fill me up, please Daddy,  I want to be full of you..”

He can feel your legs trembling, but Yoongi wants you to break first.

“Cum on my cock, baby.” Yoongi’s hand drops from your chest and it takes only a few figure eights of his finger on your cllit and you’re bursting, white behind your eyelids as you squeeze them shut. Your body tremors, euphoric sensations traveling to every inch of your body as your muscles spaz, and he’s filling you, his thick seed spurting out and overflowing from your swollen core, running down both of your thighs.

-

You and Yoongi ended up back at his place that night, fucking until Saturday afternoon. Sunday night, you checked your phone and saw a text from Yoongi.

[Yoongi-ssi]

Y/N, please don’t think I didn’t enjoy myself… but it can’t happen again. I’m sorry.

You sat there, staring at your phone rereading the message over and over. He was… rejecting you? You hadn’t even voiced to him your feelings. It wasn’t just sexual attraction to him, but after these years with him, you couldn’t help but to have fallen for him. And now that you’d had him, you were head over heels in love with him, all of him. But clearly he didn’t feel the same.

Monday at work, you were quiet, so unlike your usual self. Listening to Jungkook’s girlfriend talk about their trip to Jeju Island, you felt yourself ruminating on the text Yoongi had sent you. Like you had been all night.

“Y/N, is everything okay?” 

You turn quickly, eyes meeting the worried look of your coworker, nodding as you schooled your facial expressions into something more neutral.

“Yea, I just have a migraine. I’m gonna go talk to Yoongi, see if I can go home early.”

You made your way to Yoongi’s office. Knocking gently, his quiet voice beckoned you into the room.

“Hey, um… I think I need to go home early.”

Yoongi, who had his eyes trained on the computer monitor, looked up at you abruptly.

“Are you.. Is everything okay?” his voice was tinged with concern.

“I just.. I think I need a few days off… away from here.” Away from you. 

“Look, Y/N..” Yoongi stood up, coming over to you. He stood there, quiet, eyes taking you in. “Fuck.”

Yoongi kissed you, and you melted into his hold. His hands grasped your forearms, pulling you closer in to him.

‘This can’t happen again’, happened again. And again, and again.

Secret sex with your boss every so often became an almost everyday occurrence, in his office, in his car, in the morning before work when you woke up in his bed, and now, currently pushed up against the wall of the stall in the men’s bathroom.

Yoongi had your legs around his waist, fucking his cock up into you, one hand over your mouth to stifle the sounds escaping your mouth. He had pulled you in here after the last meeting for the project, a celebratory fuck to commence the end of this very time consuming project. Yoongi walked you towards the stall, wanting to brace you against something so he could chase his high. 

As you came, velvety walls pulsing as you rode out your high, the door to the men’s room swung open, and Yoongi disappeared into the stall just in time. He turned and sat on the lid of the toilet, still holding you tightly to him. Shuddering, the orgasm wracked your body as you could hear two guys talking faintly through the hazy post climax glow. 

“God, she’s so hot, maybe I’ll ask her out..” a voice declared, the sound of pissing filling the room. 

“Y/N would never date you,” the other voice laughed, “she’s way out of your league.” Yoongi’s arms tightened imperceptibly around you as you rested your head on his shoulder. He grips your thighs and continues to thrust into you, close to erupting.

“You know that SooHyun is thinking of asking her out. He’s way more her type than you are.” The sound of zippers quickly sounded before the rush of water as the two men washed their hands.

“Fuck, he totally has a better chance than me. Damn, he’s gonna be clapping her cheeks in no time. Guess I’ll stick to jerking it to pics of her from the Christmas party last year.” The door shut and Yoongi sped up his movements until he came, cock emptying his sticky cum inside of you.

You melt your lips with his, lazily kissing him as you settled from your orgasm.

“You and Soohyun hyung?” Yoongi asked, a twinge of jealousy coming through in his moment of weakness. 

“Hmm, I heard some of the girls saying he was thinking of asking me on a date.” You nuzzled into his neck, kissing soft pecks as he softened inside of you.

“I don’t want you to go.” His voice was barely a whisper, a gravely plea.

You sat up, facing him with a serious look on your face. 

“I mean, is there something holding me back? A reason to say no?”

“Do you, uh, do you want there to be?”

His deep Americano eyes meet yours, and you nod, not trusting yourself to speak.

“Then let me be the reason. Go out with me.”

You smile softly threading your fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck and causing him to shiver.

“Okay.”

-

You walk back to your office area, fingers intertwined with Yoongi’s, no longer a secret between the two of you as the office gawks at their very quiet and calm boss with the office babe, Soohyun looking a little put out that you were no longer available.

[shytiff]

Jan 2021 Wins

ive “journaled” for 6 months now. it started as small ___ wins because when you feel rly empty, even doing the bare minimum feels like a win. written down some of the wins. i think until now i’d like to keep the “win” part. a win against my shadow sometimes. a win in life. some things to be grateful for. a win for remembering it later in the future. i know some days im just basically doing nothing.  there are a lot of wars not won by me. but im still tryna ✨manifest✨

1 - woke up. watched bts’ 2021 seasons greetings. read trap city. afternoon nap. pupuy’s mbah passed away. i got DOMS in my body even though i did the barest of exercise yesterday (frail, i know). shower, matcha latte.

2 - the x banner atikah and i sent for racil post thesis defense has arrived lmaoo. mom made delicious (and sweet) fried banana. did some studying (more than usual, bcs the bar is on the floor)

3 - ate muesli, 3 risols. Kopsus coklat at flavola. Stayed there from 12-ish to 17:30 lmaooo. weekly bahas soal w/ fi. Rapat nemo

4 - first day of collab module. Barely cicil ukmppd. My mood is normal-ish but i hardly have the will to study. Dinner is fried fish with mentai sauce, potato wedges, and saladdd by mom

5 - collab module, qa presentation for rsui reps. finished reviewing tryout 2 solid. did padi pretest (got 66,5). ate chicken porridge, a bit of muesli and vsoy, tan ek tjoan bread, matcha latte, fish and chicken and potato wedges and salad, fried banana. i ate well today lol.

6 - slept during collab webinar, went to clara’s place to study osce and attended padi together. i ate well at clara’s placeee lol. ate nastar, kusuka, white kwetiaw with soup (?), and lele goreng. went back home @ 9 pm. i feel refreshed. even though we’ve half studied half mukbang all day. human interaction rly does heal me. i need human interaction more than i think. at night i dreamed about going to bali, to waterparks, seeing sea creatures, watching a movie displayed on a concert-like stage and screen at the front row. 

7 - woke up at 07:55, finished my part for collab group work. felt a bit tired today. the rest of fam went to DM, and when they were on the way back i HURRIED my way out, not even taking a shower lmaoo. got pistachio matcha latte at starbucks dm. now im more skilled in searching the best spot in a cafe to distance myself from people lmao. the matcha latte is served with some sort of pistachio cream and sprinkled with nuts on top. its like when sbux had taro matcha latte and it had purple cream on top. the pistachio taste is quite strong. reviewed TO 1 padi, sent proposals for nemo sponsorship.

8 - did syndrome try out and padi 2 web try out. studied for osce and padi @ clara’s place. wanted to order pizza since clara bought me food before, but she insisted in ordering lmaoo. so dinner is pizza hut

9 - woke up at 11.00 lmao. havent had breakfast. lunch is muesli with the brand new delishhh chocolate granola and cimory banana milk. did one shot try out, got 71. had a google meet with Prof Agus (that ethics book ghostwriting job from a year ago is not finished until now huaaa) that went from 20.00ish and finished at 22.30,,,,, reviewed syndrome try out along the way. havent made my collab self reflection hhhh. i also need to study for osce. also havent edited article for bukang solid. and there goes my saturday nooo

10 - i swear i keep waking up late lmao. Flavola w atikah, racheel later came with wawa. Kopsus coklat and ukmppd class w dr yudo. After class i just talked at flavola (and ended not studying osce at all for sunday). Went to racheel's to pray and talk some more. Hurriedly went back for booty call with fi, watched konser dies natalis first. Tryout and sum study with fi and clar that went from 20:30 to 00:10. Powered by left over kopsus and 2 snackit pia. Rip my sleeping schedule

11 - woke up at 10:30 ish, the lack of meal and horrible sleep pattern (for my standard) produced stuffy nose during the day and a bit of headache that went away for a bit after i ate. Late bfast is muesli, drank protein, ate tan ek tjoan, plus 2 brownies in the evening. Tht coaching w dr niken. Did self reflection for collab. Had dinner without rice, as usual. Ukmppd class w dr ayu. Finished reflection at 21:30 lmao (deadline is 23:55). Tryna sleep and my nose is still itchy and i sneeze a more often. i hope it goes away 2mrw

12 - DV coaching, scele tryout, took a nap before padi cause my head kind of hurts. Les padi while drinking matcha with vsoy less sugar and no added sugar. I can withstand the horrible sugarless cy matcha taste bcs theres a taste of soy. Didnt do anything else. Havent studied osce on my own until now. Astagfirullah

13 - my head still kind of aches. Its goes away when im eating. im eating so well during the weekdays that i gained 2kgs lmao. lazed around the first half of the day. padi. finally tried saint matcha and damnn its an amazing upgrade from Cy matcha. the green color is super different yall. Cy’s green looks sick and tired compared to saint matcha. the taste? immaculate (although coco deli is more fragrant). caffeine? hits. awake and feel normal? yes. messaged an ao3 author and got replied and turns out she’s making a sequel for my fav fic of hers. yay

14 - osce practice w ara ren ness. bedah and anak osce coaching. had 3 of mom’s cinnamon rolls and matcha latte for the afternoon. cicil osce DV. edited some pld articles. did nothing else basically

15 - wasted my day, didnt have the courage to study osce (i feel like i procrastinate on it bcs it feels overwhelming to me), TO FKUI 2, hurriedly reviewed to 1 before, les padi. i feel like this is the least focused im being in a les. maybe its the too few matcha powder.

16 - woke up at 9 am. breakfast is muesli. reviewed to 2 fkui w apa salahku (finished at 12 pm, there goes half of my saturday). tried fried chicken master. its good and tender but i still prefer moon chicken. 

17 - breakfast is muesli, banana and 2 martabak tahu. snack is keripik pisang aduuu wenak (and picking bits of meat cooked by mom). went to devi’s place w/ racheel silvi. brought RJ to be wrapped. we watched okay madam and its super fun, hilarious and full of twists anddd a bit of cutesy romance. just the right balance to enjoy and let the stress out. late lunch is moon chicken yay!! went home after maghrib, did to padi 6 w/ fi and matcha latte. talked about a senior’s wedding and eating healthier til 22:30

18 - To fkui 3, wasted my afternoon playing my phone, finally mustered some will to study after ashar. My progress is rly slow today. Watched hilarious jessi interview with eric, heechul. Im telling u, i thought tiktok is the funniest internet content but i was wronggg. Seeing heechul flustered is hilarious. Tried to study again at night but only learned 1 disease hiks

19 - had no idea what i did before dzuhur lmao. went to racheel’s to surprise atikah. actually napped at her place lmaoo why do i feel so sleepy. gifted rj to atikah. we ate fried chicken master and pempek on a small green table and talked. its like korean movie lmao. we talked while im simultaneously listening to padi lol.

20 - woke up at 8, chicken porridge + muesli and low sugar vsoy for breakfast. arrived at clara’s @10am. to fkui 4. reviewed it. reviewed general physical exam. finished up to padi 7. tried bombo donut. studied osce. i felt sooo dumb in osce (and clara is already super smart). superrr motivated to learn after going back home (arrived at 7) but i ended up opening youtube and drinking protein lmaooo and its suddenly 9 pm

21 - matcha latte at starbucks dm. Studied osce. Obgyn coaching w the super kind dr ilham. Les padi. Read angel buddy and played with my phone til 12 pm

22 - to fkui. padi as usual. had low motivation, so i did the tryout that day close to the actual course.

23 - left home at 06:30 to study together in capitol. had breakfast in mcd first. thank god i ate rice + chicken and breakfast wrap cuzzzz. studied osce together w ara, ical, kelvyn, dio and kak ilonka til about 2 pm. WALKED to bk bcs my parents are there. apparently simply driving to capitol is too much for them. immediately ate muesli at 4 pm cause i didnt eat anything in capitol. did nothing else after that. did not pray maghrib together lmao somehow mom had mercy on me and let me sleep som more. mom bought sate padang but i didnt eat it. i cried in bed because as yoongi said, “this is the real you and this is the real me”. did not shower/wash my face at night bcs i felt like shit lmao rip my face (its a week before bukang photoshoot)

24 - i feel tired, lazy, and just wanted some sleep. like all that’s in me is drained. ate muesli with strawberry milk. tried fitmee beef. its better than i thought. because the noodle is chewy you spend more time to chew. also ate fried chicken and daun singkong. usually i cant wait to go to flavola but even at 12 pm i just feel like laying down. finally mustered the will to shower and go out. its raining a bit on the way. colddd. 

25 - to fkui 6, osce briefing, covid lecture (that was actually for ppds), padi

26 - spaghetti for brekkie, coaching neuro and ophthalmology, cicil osce

27 - cicil osce, the second to the last padi omg. the fastest padi ever

28 - obgyn osce practice at kak ilonka’s place (that nice kosan at forkabi) with ara, ren ness, kelvyn, dio with mannequins from og dept, tried meokja salemba that serves bulgogi rice. quite good. after arriving at home, studied neuro together with menno til about 20:45 an and i just dont have the energy lmaooo so i gave up and slept

29 - today is bukang photoshoot at bintaro. put base make up on the way. even put glue on my eyebrow. got eyebrow, eyeshadow and blush done by renata. took lots of photos. nebeng om coro afterwards to bxc to meet mom. we ate at genki sushi (renata ara kris mendel oca regan geordie eka). i missss road trips hua. did tryout fkui on the way back home. after shower and prayer proceeded to review TO with apa salahku. Last padi (havent done the questions beforehand so i sprinted it out while on the actual course). Muhasabah osce with kak widia afterwards lmao. Studied osce with clara

30 - studied osce with ara ren ness @ merra. I ate eatlah, moms muffin, kemplang, tango. I ate so welll. Its a productive sesh, neuro and infectious disease. At home i studied osce w clara til abt 22:15 ish. I feel like i miss my me time lmao its been 3 days. I can still go on w clara but i dont wanna get myself sick

31 - simul osce in the morning. Osce study with clara almira. Cicil osce alone. Played my phone at 10 pm even though i still have mental clarity post matcha latte -___-

[dvoz-alternate]

Game. Set. Match. pt 1

Vernon x volleyball captain!reader

AN: Katie is actually one of the people I played volleyball with and was my co-captain so she is my OC for this story!

AN #2: italics are thoughts and phone calls

----------

Looking over the plane tickets and travel information again you shoved them back into your backpack. Before joining the rest of your team who were sitting in chairs at the boarding gate. Your traveling team has been getting ready for a tournament that was taking place in Seoul, and you were more than ready to fall asleep on the plane ride over. 

You told all of your girls to bring their team jackets, one so you wouldn’t lose each other and two because you were also going to be taking team photos while you were at this tournament.

Before boarding the plane you sent a text to thirteen boys you haven’t seen in a long time, but tried staying up to date with. You kind of hoped that you would be able to see them at least for a day while you were in Seoul, but you knew they would be just as busy as your team.

To: Hansol

Hey Han! I know it’s been a long time. Hopefully you haven’t forgotten about me yet! Anyway I just wanted to let you guys know I will be in a tournament in Seoul for the week and was hoping to maybe meet up with you guys? Well anyway let me know!

From: (Y/N)

Pocketing your phone you looked at your co-captain Katie. “Think we’re ready for this?” you asked as you looked at the boarding time for the fifth time. “Yeah we will be ready. Did you say anything to your friends that we will be coming over?” she asked putting an arm on your shoulder. “Yeah, I just sent them a text. I don’t know if they’ll reply or not but it was worth a shot. I know for a fact that Soonyoung won’t let me live it down if I am there and don’t tell them anything,” you replied making a slightly distressed face from remembering the last time that happened. “Oh! We should have a flight attendant take a team photo when we board the plane!” Katie said as she poked your cheek and you swatting her hand away. “Yeah we should,” you hummed in response. You looked over at the eight other girls all wearing their team sweatshirts and most were wearing sweats or shorts and you couldn’t help but shake your head at how ridiculous you all probably looked.

Finally boarding the plane and throwing your travel bags in the over head you all took your seats which happened to all be on one side of the plane. Sitting next to Katie you leaned out of your chair and asked the flight attendant to help you take a photo. All of you flashed the #1 for the photo and you thanked the attendant before taking your phone back. 

Katie leaned over to see the picture, “You going to post it?” Nodding you were already in instagram and tagging the team. “And... done,” you said turning your phone off.

—————

Taking a break from their practice Hansol walked over to check his phone and get water. Taking a sip from his bottle he checked his phone and saw a message from you. The shock that you would be here for a week made him do a spit take.

“Dude what the heck?” Seungkwan said since he was next to him. “(Y/N)! She’s coming to Seoul!” That got everyone’s attention. “She’s what?!”

Running a hand through his hair Hansol explained, “She has a volleyball tournament this week. She was hoping to see us if we had time.” Everyone looked at Seungcheol. “Let me look at our schedule. Hansol see if she will send a copy of her schedule. Maybe we can actually watch one of her matches?” Various nods and conversations started and they were all excited to possibly get the chance to see you again.

Seokmin pulled out his phone and opened up instagram. “You didn’t say she was on her way right now!?” he said frantically waving his phone for everyone to see. It didn’t do much since people couldn’t see what the phone screen had on it. Joshua walked up and grabbed his wrist and pulled his phone from his hand so he could see what it was. “She is on the plane right now with her team. Look,” He passed the phone around to everyone the last person coming to Hansol. He couldn’t help but smile out how tired and excited you and your team looked as you posed for the photo. Smiling to himself he couldn’t wait to see you again.

---------

Getting off the plane the ten of you went to the luggage claim to get your equipment and bags. Turning on your phone you saw a message back from Hansol asking for your schedule for the week. Smiling you sent the message with your weeks information before pocketing your phone. Digging through your bag you looked for the travel information that you probably have memorized at this point, but you never know. 

“Alright so lets find the rental car area and I will get us a van. We will do check ins at the hotel we are staying at and then we can go somewhere for dinner yeah?” you said looking at your small group of people before walking in the direction to find a van. 

----------

After dinner you changed into your pjs before flopping on the bed and throwing an arm over your eyes. Groaning you finally stopped stressing for a minute and let yourself become a slug. “I always forget how long the flight over here is...” you muttered before rolling over onto your stomach. Hearing your phone ring you looked at the screen breaking into a large smile and sitting up on the bed. “I’ll be right back!” you almost shouted to Katie even though she was on the bed next to yours. Opening the patio door you stepped outside and swiped the answer button.

----------

“Guys she responded!” Hansol said finally being able to check his phone. “Don’t just text her back! Call her! No better yet FaceTime her!” Seungkwan said running up behind him along with the other members. “Jeez Seungkwan, chill! I will call her hold on,” Hansol said pushing the blonde off him. “No, no, no we want to be apart of the call too,” Chan said coming up to stand next to Hansol. Breathing a sigh out his nose he shook his head and sat on the floor with everyone following his lead. 

Hesitating over your contact photo Hansol held his breath. “The phone isn’t going to call her unless you press the button,” Jeonghan said from Hansol’s left. Sending him a small glare Hansol pressed the button and held his breath. What if you were asleep, or busy or some other third thing he couldn’t think of. Everyone squished closer so they could see and hear you if you answered. After the third ring there was a slight pause and then your face appeared.

Hello! Your face appeared on the phone screen. Oh my God! You’re all there! your laugh carried through the speaker of the phone. “We miss you (Y/N)!” various boys called from around room. The smile you graced them with was comparable to Jeonghan’s in the fact that it made everyone feel warm inside. I miss you guys too. Oh! Hansol did you get the schedule I sent earlier? Your voice pulled him from his thoughts. “Oh, yeah I got it. We haven’t looked over it yet, but we will later tonight. Right Seungcheol?” Hansol asked looking over at the leader. “Yeah we will take a look tonight and let you know (Y/N),” Seungcheol said nodding his head. That would be amazing! I want to see you guys and I don’t need another reason for Soonyoung to give me ‘that’ look again. You squinted your eyes presumably at the guilty party Soonyoung. “What’s your schedule like tomorrow?” Jihoon asked moving to be on his knees. Um... I think hold on- the video paused but they could still hear your voice - where’s the screenshot I took of the schedule... I don’t want to wake Katie up it’s like poking a freaking bear... AH! Found it! - Unpausing the video your smiling face popped back up - So it looks like we have a 5:30 am practice at the gym facility and then nothing until the Round Robin Tournament in the evening at 6:00 pm. The small video version of you glanced down at what the boys presumed was your wrist. Oh shit... it’s that late already? - Looking back at thirteen of your favorite people you smiled - I need to get going if I don’t want to die tomorrow! Call me after 9:00 am if you can and let me know when I can see you guys! I miss you guys! Bummed out that the call was being cut short there were some groans. Oh cheer up you losers I will talk to you in my free time if I can’t see you! The laugh on your end of the phone brought smiles to all there faces, especially Hansol’s. “Yeah, we will let you know and definitely call you in the morning,” Hansol said with a small wave and a chorus of goodbyes were heard. Night guys! You flashed a peace sign before hanging up the call.

Setting down the phone Hansol couldn’t help the slight love-struck smile that ended up on his face. “Alright Romeo snap out of it. We have planning to do!” Seungkwan said poking the brunette’s cheek.

[starling-collective-blog]

COVID 15

Life does not feel great in this moment. I’ve been struggling a lot with the weight I’ve gained in the ongoing pandemic. I wish I could say that I’m not perturbed by my recently bigger body, or that I don’t have a lot of self-loathing thoughts these days, but I can’t. Sadly that’s not the way I currently think about myself and the world. (I could devote a whole entry to this topic, but this won’t be it.) 

All my life I’ve been skinny. I’ve never not been skinny. I’ve had phases of relative chubbiness (there was the period after a summer in Germany when I gained 5-10 lbs) but even then I was still considered skinny. Growing up I got made fun of tons for being ‘flat as a board.’ Now, in a sick twist of events, I’ve become considerably more rounded out without any of the fat distributed to my boobs. All of it’s gone to my face, my thighs, and even for the first time to my tummy-- basically everywhere but my boobs. Tell me, how is that fair? Currently I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life.

I hate that I’ve put on 7 to 10 pounds. 7, if I weigh myself first thing in the AM after peeing but before having breakfast; 10, if I dare weigh myself after a meal. That puts me between 144 and 150 lbs (it’s a good day if I wake up below 145). 

I hate that all of the muscle definition my body gained from climbing has been replaced by a softness in my arms and back. I hate my new stomach flab and the extra cushioning where there used to be none. 

I hate that I have a voracious appetite for food but no longer the lifestyle to match. When I climbed through the week and cycled on the weekends, I could eat bizarre amounts of food without seeing any weight gain. And I mean bizarre. Once, on the morning of a 30-mile cycling ride in NH, I ate four energy bars (two Clif Bars + two Bobo’s rolled oat bars) to fuel up. During the ride, I refueled with another two Clif Bars. We ended up doing just 12 miles that day because the pain from an ill-fitted bike saddle got too bad. On the drive back, I had another Clif Bar, and when we stopped at Dunkin’s I got one of those greasy and horribly unhealthy (but delicious!) egg-cheese-sausage croissants as a post-cycling snack. Two hours after that I had a serving of wedge-cut cheesy fries. On the days I climbed, eating two dinners was the norm. Sometimes after dinner I could get through half a bag of Cheetos or some other junk food, or a bowl or two of Honey Bunches of Oats with milk while watching Netflix. This was late at night, sometimes around 9 or 10 pm. Even on the days I didn’t climb, I would eat dinners too large to the point of uncomfortable fullness. No matter how unhealthy my eating patterns were, though, my body never gained weight the way it does now.

More than anything, I hate the fact that I don’t possess the self-discipline needed in this no-climbing post-pandemic world to stay fit. This is what generates the greatest deal of self-loathing. Portion control just isn’t a concept my brain wants to understand.

Today, my sister called me out for my astounding display of lack of self-control. My mom had made waffles for breakfast this morning, about 8 of them, and I alone had 5. Freshly baked carbs are my weakness. I have no clue why. (Room temp or cold carbs don’t hold the same appeal.) This was after I had already had a bowl of the gouji-oatmeal porridge my mom makes every morning, and after a small bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats granola cereal... ...yeah. Yeah.

What actually inspired this entry was the moment when my sister heard me tell my mom I’d had 5 of the 8 waffles. Incredulously, she asked me: ‘Wait. Are you SERIOUS? You had 5? How did that happen?’ I told her sheepishly that I just... did. My brain tried to think of an explanation and tried to figure out whether this was even an alarming fact to begin with. My mom and I both laughed-- my mom, out of amusement (I suppose she somehow found my gluttonous behavior endearing), and I, out of embarrassment. ‘This isn’t a laughing matter,’ my sister persisted, locking eyes with me. ‘You have a serious problem.’

Ah. And there it was. 

Hot, hot shame washed over me. I lowered my gaze, registering her hurtful words. At last someone had said it.

-- --

It’s complicated. For sure, I was angry and hurt by my sister’s words. They brought to the surface every negative feeling I’ve already had about my current body-- all the shame, all the guilt, all the self-scrutiny and embarrassment. These are things I experience on a daily basis. But to hear the condemnation externally? That’s a different story. A week prior, my sister had already pointedly said to me: ‘Size matters.’ Yeah. That shit is hard to hear-- I’d imagine even for someone less sensitive than me. And yet, part of me is secretly relieved to hear it. As much as I don’t want to think I have a ‘serious problem,’ a deeper part of me knows I do. Do I have an eating disorder? I don’t know if it’s quite that severe. But I do know that I currently have a less-than-healthy relationship with eating. It’s one of the main reasons I had to get the fuck out of the city during the pandemic. All I was doing every day to cope with the boredom and stress of suddenly being under a city-wide lockdown was eat. Eat, eat, eat. all the fucking time. Even before the pandemic hit, I had been practicing unhealthy eating habits. The whole eating two dinners every day before + after climbing and eating to the point of discomfort thing? Yeah. That wasn’t healthy. 

I’m not sure when it started. I suspect I’ve always had a hard time restricting myself when it came to eating. I’ve never been good at drawing the line. I think the pandemic is just exposing the underlying issue. 

So, as controversial as it might seem (or just honest and realistic?), I’m choosing to continue upholding the same standards. I wish that I didn’t want to, because I know this affects the way I potentially perceive and interact with others who don’t appear to be in shape. But the reality is, fat and unfit are not things that I want to be; lax standards for physical fitness are not things I want to have. I don’t want to lead a lifestyle characterized more by gluttony and laziness than mindfulness and discipline.

[womanlalaboy]

Womanlalaboy’s Travel Guide to Mt. Manalmon and Mt. Gola

SUMMARY

Elevation: 196+ MASL (Mt. Manalmon);  192+ MASL (Mt. Gola) Jump- off: Sitio Madlum, Brgy. Sibul, San Miguel Days / hours to summit: Half-day Climb: Minor Difficulty: 2/9 Trail class: 1-2 Features: Beautiful  landscapes with various terrain types, a view of the Madlum River, with access to 2 caves

Type of Travel: Package and DIY Date of Travel: Jul 27-28, 2019 Duration: 2D1N Budget: P 1100 - 1500

If you want a climb that is filled with adventure and a variety of sights, Malmon-Gola twin hike is just right for you.

Both are nestled within the protected area of Biak Na Bato National Park. The trail leads to bamboo forests, grasslands and rock formations. There are areas that need to be climbed with the aid of ropes, including Mt. Manalmon’s peaks. Side trips are available for adventure junkies and history enthusiasts. You can sample the Bayukbok Caves and the Madlum cave. You can also go to Madlum River for a dip, and try the monkey bridge.

To get from Mt. Malmon to Mt. Gola, hikers will have to cross the Madlum River with water raising up to chest level when raining and with current strong enough to pull anyone of any size. But if the weather’s on your side, this twin hike would be very easy for any beginner. Some would even call it a ‘pabebe’ hike, but never when the conditions change. Like what people always say, “never underestimate a mountain.”

HOW TO GET THERE

Commute from Manila: Take a bus from Pasay or Cubao terminals to Cabanatuan (Baliwag Transit, ES Transport, and Five Star Transport) > drop off at Brgy. Kamias, San Miguel, Bulacan > Ride a tricycle to Brgy. Madlum

Private car: NLEX > Take Sta. Rita exit >  Follow the road to Cagayan Valley, passing by Plaridel,Pulilan, Baliuag, San Rafael and San Ildefonso >  At San Miguel, ask directions for Brgy. Madlum

It should only take 2-3 hours to get to Bulacan from Manila, but you should always give more allowance to heavy traffic especially when it pours. We were lucky enough to pass through EDSA with ease, but we encountered heavy traffic along Nueva Ecija and Bulacan so it took us about 6 hours to get to the Jump off from Cavite.

ITINERARY

Day 1 10:00 AM – ETD Lumina, Imus 02:00 PM – ETA in Sitio Madlum 06:00 PM – Pitch Tent 07:00 PM – Dinner 09:00 PM – Light's off Day 2 04:00 AM – Wake up Call 05:30 AM – Start Trek to Mt. Manalmon 06:30 AM – Summit Manalmon 07:30 AM – Descend 09:00 AM – Summit Mt. Gola 10:30 AM – Descend 12:00 PM – Lunch 02:00 PM – Monkey Bridge 03:00 PM – Bayukbuk Cave 04:00 PM – Swimming @madlum​, River 05:00 PM – Break camp 06:00 PM – Post Climb 10:00 PM – ETA Lumina Imus

It was pouring rain when we arrived at Sitio Madlum, so we had a hard time following the itinerary. We’re just lucky to be spared by the weather every time we get to a peak. It’s as if the Gods are giving us time to take photos and enjoy the scenery. We’re really glad for moments like the above photo where the sky started to clear out and we just rested for a fer minutes to marvel at the beauty of the entire Biak Na Bato.

Before our actual hike, we had an outreach program and there’s supposed to be a tree planting activity included in the itinerary, but we ran out of seedlings to use. There was a huge tree planting event before our hike so there were nothing left for us to plant, but we’ve successfully executed the distribution of food, school supplies and slippers to the kids of Sitio Madlum, so all was well except for when we had to descend from Mt. Gola. Our guide opted to change our route. We followed the river instead of crossing it in that condition. Being prepared for situations like this proved to be very essential so I’ve listed below the things you may want to consider.

THINGS TO BRING

Head lamp or Flashlight

Rain jacket (depending on the weather)

Sun Block Lotion & Insect Repellent

Food (Lunch, Snacks, and Trail Food)

Water (2-3 liters)

Extra Clothes

Trekking Clothes, Shoes or Sandals

Gloves

Bonnet/Head Gear/Scarf/Malong

Garbage bag

Sun Protection (hats, headgear, sunglasses, sleeves)

Personal Medicine and First Aid Kit

Personal Toiletries

Tent

Cook set

Portable stove

Spoon,fork,plates,mugs/tumbler

FAQs

Is there mobile signal in the area? Yes, even at the peak, but thunderstorm and heavy rains usually affect the signal at the foot of the mountain.

Are there stores in the camp site? Yes. There are a few stores there that offers the usual sari-sari store stuff. You can also reserve your lunch or dinner at Tata Carding’s.

Are there comfort rooms in the area? At the camp site, yes. And there are fees. P5 for change of clothes, P20 for taking a bath, P10 for taking a dump and P5 for when you need to pee. 

Is there a parking are? They don’t have an organized parking area. We parked our vans near the hanging bridge.

Are the guides required? Yes. P300 per guide for 5 pax.

Can you hike both mountains in just a day? Definitely! if you’re a beginner or with beginners, 2hrs tops and you’ll reach one peak. If your group is pretty fit, you’ll do good with an hour of trek, but things can get really challenging when it pours.

NOTES

As always, practice LNT (Leave No Trace). We are mere visitors. Let’s respect the place and its people by taking with us what we brought there. You might get tempted to dump your waste in their trash bins or makeshift trash bags, but please be mindful that what you bring in the place aren’t supposed to be there. Dispose of your own trash.

Kill nothing but time, take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints.

When in doubt, practice UPS (Upo Para Safe) and GPS (Gapang Para Safe). For some, steep areas can get very tricky and dangerous, so sit or crawl if you need to.

Establish a good relationship with your co-hikers and guides just because :)

Camp if your schedule and itinerary can allow you. Their campsite is by the river and it gets so majestic at night when the moon reflects on the surface of the water.

Communicate with your body. This twin hike is supposed to be easy, but it can get really dangerous when it rains.

Hiking these two mountains are best done with fun friends and to maximize your stay, swim; enjoy the caves and do the monkey bridge. The site has so much to offer than just hiking Gola and Manalmon, but for me, the sight of luscious bamboo forest, carabaoes living the life, and seeing wild dragonflies again are more than enough to compensate the hassle of camping and hiking whilst raining. 

MORE...

Also see: Mt. Manalmon and Mt. Gola photo sets Also read: Panhik #6: TUCLAS Gives Back + Manalmon-Gola Twin Hike Also read: Panhik #5: Dayo Sa Daguldol Also read: Womanlalaboy's Travel Guide to Mt. Daguldol

[flarebossmalva]

so i’m still in the hospital for now; i think they’re going to let me go tomorrow. my mom brought me my laptop so since i’m here i thought i’d just go ahead and tell the story of the past few days lol, it’s been Wild

monday night around the time i went to bed is when the pain started. i was confused by it but figured i could sleep it off. spoilers: i couldn’t, and on tuesday it was even worse. i spent most of the day in bed, curled up in the fetal position. again, i didn’t know what it was about but just assumed it would eventually pass. the pain was in my lower abdomen, all the way across as opposed to just on the right where the appendix is. i wasn’t nauseous and had a normal appetite, nor did i have a fever or any other symptoms. i also don’t have a family history of appendicitis. basically, the possibility that that might be the underlying problem did not even occur to me. i thought it might be ovarian cysts, a lyme disease flare-up, even wondered if i was for some reason going to have a period this month despite being period-free for over a year now.

anyway, seeing the state i was in, my mom suggested i go to urgent care. i felt like this was probably a waste of time but i also know that i’m a dumbass with a high pain tolerance and no self-preservation skills, so i decided to listen to her advice. we went to urgent care. the doctor there said he couldn’t figure out what the problem was exactly, but worried it might be serious and suggested i go to the emergency room for an ultrasound. so we went to the ER.

by this point it’s like 9 pm. i get admitted fairly quickly and brought into the waiting area with the other patients. around 10-something they finally take me to have the ultrasound done. i have to explain how being trans works to several doctors. the ultrasound hurts and takes a really long time. i learned later that the ultrasound tech couldn’t see my appendix on the ultrasound at all. they decide to give me a CAT scan. i get scanned around 11:30 pm. shortly after this, a doctor asks me how my pain is and if the meds are working. i haven’t been given any meds. they decide to rectify this by giving me some sort of drug cocktail that rendered me extremely high, but only kind of helped with the pain.

at this point it’s past midnight, i’m high off my ass and tired, i figure they’ll let me go home soon and if the mystery pain persists i’ll deal with it later. around 1:30 am a nurse shows up to tell me that the CAT scan showed that i have acute appendicitis and i’ll need to stay the night, then undergo surgery the following morning. i’ve never had surgery before and the concept of surprise emergency surgery is objectively pretty alarming but i’m high as balls, so i just tell her “okay” and then try to go to sleep on the gurney, which doesn’t work.

around 3 am a different nurse takes me upstairs to the room they’ll be keeping me in before and after the surgery. i’m still high and she’s very sleep-deprived so we made very dim-witted small talk on the way up there. once i’m in the hospital bed i pass out in short order despite still being in a lot of pain.

in the morning they bring me down for surgery prep. it takes a really long time and i’m in a ton of pain, which i mention to one of the nurses. she tells me she’ll “get me something nice” and that’s the last thing i remember until i wake up post-surgery, so i guess it was real nice. 

anyway, the procedure they did was minimally invasive, meaning that instead of one big incision i have three smaller ones; i haven’t peeked under the bandages but i expect each is at most an inch long. they ache a fair bit but it turns out the pain from having three holes cut in your stomach is not nearly as bad as the pain of having your appendix try to murder you. given the state of things in there (again: gangrene!!!) i have no doubt that this could have killed me if it wasn’t caught sooner and i’m still processing that tbh. they have had me on intravenous antibiotics since tuesday night and i expect i’ll be on them until they let me go tomorrow. i was kinda worried they might not dose me strongly enough for the surgery because i have a high tolerance for most drugs, including some localized anesthetics, but whatever they gave me absolutely knocked me flat so that’s cool. right now i’m on hydrocodone so sorry if this post is written a bit weird, i’m a bit drugged up. anyway that’s pretty much the full story. i’m recovering well and i’m looking forward to going home tomorrow

[larpgourmet]

Planning Meals when you Travel

Generally speaking, it’s nigh on impossible to live right next to where your game site is located. What with the fact that we like our sites to look uninhabited by modern life, you’re not likely to find one right in the dead center of an urban city sprawl. So... you’re going to have to drive. If you’re lucky, your drive time is maybe an hour or two -- but if you’re like me, you’re looking at 4 hours to get to game. I like to be at my site right when it opens to start setting up my stuff and getting my things together, which means I’m leaving my house at about 11 AM to get on the road. 

This means I have to think hard about my food surviving in the car en route to game, and the fact that going home for the night is pretty much impossible. Because cars get hot in the summer time, that also means limiting my stops so my car doesn’t go without AC for too long, as that can cause problems for the food I’ve brought with me. (Not to mention my weapons, but that’s for another blog to comment on!)

Tip One: Account for the Heat My food routine has been tailored to minimize the time my food spends in the car without the AC on. I pack the car with pretty much everything I’m going to bring except my cooler and anything that goes on top of the cooler, then I stop to take my last shower of the weekend, I’ll usually mess around on a video game for a few minutes just to alleviate any stress I’m feeling before I leave.

The cooler doesn’t actually get packed or moved into the car until right before I leave. And I mean, I have to be ready to get out of the house within minutes of putting the cooler in the back of the car.

There’s a great rest stop a little earlier than halfway through my drive (I tend to get there right around 12:30) which sets itself at a great time to have lunch. I like to get a Subway wrap (way easier to eat on the go), a bag of chips, and a drink. Sometimes I treat myself to a cookie also! I’ll always get back in the car and eat on the drive, here again -- to make sure the AC is running on my gear as much as possible.

Remember that, even when the weather is chilly outside, the car can trap and retain heat -- so don’t plan on cold weather meaning your gear won’t heat up if it’s inside your car without you.

Tip Two: Realistically Plan for Friday Night Dinner You’re going to be moving fast until game on Friday night, even more so if it’s your first game at this LARP and you need to be introduced into the world. I don’t assume I’m going to be eating dinner until about 9 PM or 10 PM, even if I’m cooking for only myself. Game on at my LARP is at 8 PM, and I’ll usually be stopped ten times within the first five minutes.

I account for this with the Subway wrap I talked about above -- I have half of the wrap, and either the chips or the cookie during the drive, and save the other half of the wrap and whatever I didn’t eat so I can snack during setup. Spacing out my lunch food to be about 1 PM and 5 PM means I’m not starving by the time game on gets called.

Tip Three: Late Night Snacks This one is for everyone, technically, and not just for travelers -- but remember you’re going to be getting a reduced amount of sleep, and performing in an increased amount of activity. You’re going to get hungry in the middle of the night. I keep a late night snack on hand for 1 AM or so, something low in calorie but high in protein, so I can keep going during the late night mods, and I don’t wake up in the morning starved.

Tip Four: Planning for Sunday Breakfast I’ve started bringing myself breakfast for Sunday morning. Since I can’t just go home, and I hate to go offsite to grab something when I need to pack -- this has worked out the best for me. If I don’t have Sunday breakfast I feel like I get weak, cranky, and faint by the time I’m done packing (which does take me a hot minute, I bring a HUGE setup to game). A lot of Meal Plans may not offer Sunday breakfast, or may only offer something like donuts and coffee. Plan to get yourself something more substantial, packing and cleaning can be hard work!

Tip Five: Afters. To go, or not to go? I used to go to Afters, but with the long drive, and how late I tend to leave site, I’ve been skipping it more recently. Much of the game also switched to eating at Red Robin, and good as Red Robin food is -- they’re not made to get in and out of quickly, which I value in an Afters location.

When it comes to Afters, I found that I am a much safer driver if I get on the road right after I’m packed up. I still need a solid amount of coffee to survive the drive home, but I’m starting to wear down hard when the sun goes down on Sunday, and driving tired at night is bad news. That’s part of the reason I’ve been moving to the drive straight and stop for fast food model.

Ultimately, if you have to travel, weigh the pros and cons of sitting down for a meal both to and from game. If you don’t have food in the car that really needs a cooler, you may want to stop for Afters. Or you may even want to make a run at that niche diner with the dinosaur park in the back on your way to or from game. (Peggy Sue’s if any of you happen to drive down the 15 between California and Nevada). But for me, I prefer to get something I can eat in the car, and just keep driving.

There’s no right or wrong answer, but as with so many of my posts -- I always advocate that you don’t let FOMO get you hurt. If you know you’re going to be tired, just get on the road. You can catch up with everyone via the internet when you get back to your house. And for goodness sake, stop for that cup of coffee or soda if you need it!

[canaryatlaw]

So I’m currently sitting on a plane somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean, typing this in the notes section of my phone. It’s 9 pm Chicago time where we left, and 3 am London time where we’re going. We have about 3 and a half hours left, getting in at like 6:30 am. I took my pills like half an hour ago so hopefully I’ll start getting tired soon, I kinda have to pee but I’m at the window seat and Jess and the guy in the aisle seat are asleep and I don’t want to wake them up....we’ll see I guess. At best I’m only getting a couple hours of sleep, but it’s better than nothing for sure.

So, today has been pretty wild. My alarm went off at 9:20 am and I got up, had a message from Jess asking if it was time for her to come over and I said sure, and brushed my teeth, and Jess was there a few minutes later. The goal of the morning was to get BTS concert tickets, even though neither of us particularly like them this is what Jess wanted to do so that was fine with me. I ordered us breakfast which came shortly afterwards. The tickets were supposed to go on sale at 10 am, which was the same time I was supposed to start a quick phone interview. So we had both laptops opened up to each of our Ticketmaster’s accounts and in the “pre-queue.” The deal was that the people in the pre-queue when it starts get assigned a randomized place in line, and if you come in after you go to the end. So it became 10 am and both laptops reported 2,000+ people in front of us, so we weren’t going anywhere fast. A few minutes later I got my phone call and stepped away.

It was just supposed to be a quick phone screening and then they would talk to their hiring people about who they wanted to bring in for an in person interview. I articulated last night how I felt I had decent enough experience to sell myself for the position but didn’t think it would be realistic for me to get it. Well, the phone screening went really well, I talked about my experience and what kinda work I want to do and it was really good! Maybe like 15 minutes after it ended I got another call from them saying they wanted me to come in for an in person interview next week, so we scheduled that and I’m very excited! Apparently they think I’m qualified enough, which I will take lol. But yes, that taken care of, back to the BTS tickets.

Over an hour with nothing, about 11:10 it still says 2,000+ but my progress bar is getting towards the end and it eventually progresses to 80 people in front and then 1, and finally brought me to the massive blow up of the field where you had to pick your seats. Jess got in shortly afterwards. It was already very widely picked over, and there must’ve been a ton of people in there with us because every time we’d click on two seats together it would say they were already taken and make us try to find different ones, over and over again, and I’m talking to the point where there was like, 10 open spots in the entire giant football stadium. And like, we tried and tried and tried, but it just wasn’t happening. The good news is that Jess’ coworker that stans BTS was able to get two floor seat tickets and is willing to take Jess with her, so she’ll get to live out her BTS dreams after all (and me who literally knows one BTS song will be just fine).

So after all of that was figured out, I changed quickly and we walked over to Walgreens so Jess could print some pictures (I think like ones people sent her to have celebs sign?) and I wanted to get a tiny bottle of spiky hair gel and a small thing of acne cream to take with me, and ended up grabbing a few snacks for the plane since we didn’t buy the inflight meals that were $45 each, per meal (yeah, no thank you). Jess went home after that to pack, and I went home and got the last of my things together and picked over my snacks and candy collection for what I wanted to bring with us.

A little after 1 I got a message from Jess saying she was ready, so I grabbed all of my stuff, said goodbye to my cat, and called an Uber, which came and got me and then got Jess and took us to the airport. We were getting there super fucking early (flight was at 5) because international flights and airports and you know all of that good stuff. We checked in very easily, and security wasn’t bad at all, so we progressed to the gate fairly quickly. And then of course we had time to kill. So we just sat for a while and just chilled out before deciding to go see what our food options were, which had us go partially down the one end of the terminal before remembering we already did this the last time we were in this terminal (it’s the international flights one but also currently houses Frontier so we’d been there before) and there was nothing, so we went back to the main food court area and ended up with some Mediterranean food that was quite good.

Once we finished eating we went to our actual gate, which was swarmed with people from two flights in adjacent gates, so we ended up sitting on the floor. We got slightly delayed in boarding but they said we’d still probably take off the same time. As luck would have it, the other flight was also to London, although a different airport and airline, but I had to go and make sure we were in the right place, lol. Somehow Jess started sending memes to people in the near vicinity who had their airdrops on in their phones which resulted in a lot of laughter as other people started sending things back (or turning off their airdrop 😂) and things got increasingly ridiculous and we ended up getting identified by at least two iPhone users because we were constantly bursting into laughter. So that was a fun little distraction.

We were of course in the last boarding group, because we are cheap(tm) but eventually we got called and made it onto the airplane. There’s a USB port thankfully, meaning we can keep our phones charged and not relying on our portable batteries, which is very good. They also have a screen set up where you can watch movies and such, much like the plane I took to London in 2014 (and at least two flights we’ve had in the last year). I discovered quickly that I managed to not pack my earbuds, which I was very pissed about, but when they were doing the passenger announcements they said they had headsets available for purchase for like $3 along with blankets and like drinks and food stuff, so once we got into the air I ordered earbuds along with two cokes which were brought to us shortly afterwards, which I was very happy about since my plan up to that point to watch Crazy Rich Asians on subtitles was less than thrilling so far. So I got the earbuds and actually listened to the rest of the movie (Jess had started it like ten minutes before me, so she was slightly ahead) so I watched that and I really liked it a lot! A very well done movie, and I really loved how much it was infused with Asian culture and was truly an Asian story, not an attempted one made my white people. So I liked that a lot. Once we finished that we flipped through the available movies/tv shows but very few of them had captions (which Jess wanted since one of her ears still isn’t fully working and she won’t go to the goddamn doctor about) so we ended up starting to watch teen titans go to the movies, but it was pretty awful so we turned it off about 15 minutes in and decided not to just stick to our phones for now. I had to fish my adapter out of my bag to charge my phone and listen to music at the same time (though I think it stopped charging a few minutes ago??? Idk weird) and I spent a little bit proofreading some fanfic before starting to write this, and now I am here. I’ll probably try to go to sleep now, we’re exactly 3 hours out at this point. I’ll post this once we get on the ground at 6:30 am London time, which will still be fairly night time in the US. So that’s what I’m gonna do now. Goodnight babes. Happy weekend.

** so it’s 4:51 pm British time and it just occurred to me I never posted this, so here ya go.

[my-smial]

30 Questions

I was tagged by @cuthalion! Thank you. I’ve come out of my shell so many times now I’m not sure I can find my way back in.

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you would like to get to know better

Nickname(s): None. Sometimes my twin calls me Schwester (German for sister).

Gender: female

Sign: Pisces

Height: 5′5″ or 1.65 m

Time: 6:18 pm

Fav band(s): Today, Daniel Kahn and the Painted Birds.

Fav solo artist(s): Since longer than today, Tanya Tagaq.

Song stuck in my head:  The Wonder Woman Theme, the violin battle one (da na na naaaaaaaaaaaa NANA).

Last movie I saw: The Princess Bride.

Last show I watched: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood.

When did I create my blog: Technically 6 years ago but I didn’t use it until 1 year ago.

What do I post: “Anything tolkien and what ever weird funny shit i see” -Cuthalion. Largely accurate for me. Also Raven Cycle and animals.

Last thing I Googled: List of organic salts by solubility.

Do I have any other blogs: No.

Do I get asks: No.

Why did I chose my URL: Because hobbit-holes are cool and I want to live in one.

Following: 197

Followed by: 37, but probably take off a few for bots I blocked. Counting it looks more like 31.

Average hours of Sleep: I tell myself I go to bed at 9 and then I actually fall asleep at 10:30 or 11 and wake up at 6... so around 7 - 8.

Lucky number: 6, but 144 is my favorite.

Instruments: French horn!

What I am wearing: Clothes. Jeans. Tennis shoes. A weird 3/4 sleeve spotted black and white spotted shirt. Stippled? Over a tank top to keep me warm and prevent me from showing off my torso every time I raise my arms.

Dream job: I want to be the person who tells other people how cool science is. Like Bill Nye. A science communicator.

Dream trip: New Zealand.

Fav food: Melted brie (cheese).

Nationality: American.

Fav song: I guess probably March of Cambreadth by Alexander.

Last book I read: Feeder by Patrick Weekes. Fun book, highly recommend.

Top 3 fictional universes I wanna join: LotR, Emelan, and Tortall (I just want to be a stitch witch).

This post brought to you by @mornyavie because my-smial is lazy and didn’t want to type.

I’m putting my followers list into mathematica and randomly choosing twenty of you because I cannot make choices. Please respond (iff you want to (iff = if and only if))! I’m interested.

Tagging @greensarek, @antivansdoitbetter, @sload, @ladylannister95, @faustislost, @shinymusictheorist, @auditionwtf, @alia-andreth, @shepherdofwaves, @garnet-armrest-squidward, @sous-le-saule, @resemblancetoadaffodil, @piefanart, @rauwyn, @grundyscribbling, @mornyavie, @welcometothisby, @hippieelf, @actualelffucker, @mollycassmith

[joshmspicer]

lets get personal.

Nabbed from @pantherdaemon​ and somehow missed last week

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? “One Foot”, “Voicemail Freestyle Mike Wiebe”, “A Walk Down the Trail” (though it’s been a bit), “First Time”, “It Ends Tonight”, and “Survival”

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? @pantherdaemon​ It’s about time bro

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. “WWE maintained little interest in scouting, much less signing, Japanese or Mexican talent, widely considered the second and third points of the wrestling world’s triangle.”

4: What do you think about most? “So at what point...?”

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? “Stopping for tear”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? I gots pants

7: What’s your strangest talent? I can curve my tongue?

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) Girls deserve the fucking world but can go too far. Boys can be rude without knowing they are but can also be endearing.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? Not to my knowledge.

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? A few moments ago when I was listening to “Undisputed”

11: Do you have any strange phobias? Not a fan of little bugs

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Yes

13: What’s your religion? Agnostic Lutheran

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Going to my car or walking into somewhere

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? In front

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? Breaking Benjamin, easy

17: What was the last lie you told? “I’m sick as a dog, can’t make it into class.”

18: Do you believe in karma? A form of it, yes

19: What does your URL mean? It’s my old OC from my Xiaolin Showdown days, Jack Spicer’s brother. Brought it with me during the brony days as my alias and it kind of became more than I ever though it would be.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? Weakness is my need to please everybody. Strength is my ability to listen to everybody and offer advice even if I’ve never personally been in that situation.

21: Who is your celebrity crush? Emily Blunt

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Yes

23: How do you vent your anger? Either my listening to Linkin Park or venting in a text post

24: Do you have a collection of anything? Magazines, video game or animated posters, pictures, and t-shirts

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Phone, never done the latter

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? I’m just happy I’m not completely like my dad.

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? I loathe that one stupid fucking bird from Iowa that always does that same rhythm all damn day. I love an animal chirping that isn’t a bird.

28: What’s your biggest “what if”? “What if you stayed in Minneapolis after Dad died?”

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes and yes

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. A pen and a water bottle

31: Smell the air. What do you smell? My usual media room. I’m used to it so it smells like normalty

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? High School Homecoming

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? East

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? Sydney Sierota

35: To you, what is the meaning of life? Living and breathing in an attempt to survive.

36: Define Art. Creative outlet through various forms with an intent to tell a narrative, vent emotion, or for personal entertainment.

37: Do you believe in luck? Yes

38: What’s the weather like right now? Dark, clear, cold

39: What time is it? 10:47 PM mountain time

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? Yes, YES

41: What was the last book you read? How WWE Should Have Booked The Book Vol. 1

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? Yes

43: Do you have any nicknames? Toad, Toadman, Spicer

44: What was the last film you saw? Bad Times at El Royale

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? Worst pain at the time was a broken pinky. Worst pain over time was a fucked up shoulder that any movement caused it to just drive me into agony.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? No

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? Probably

48: What’s your sexual orientation? Rather not put a label on that right now

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you? Yes

50: Do you believe in magic? Yes

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? Don’t forgive so easily, much harder to gain back trust

52: What is your astrological sign? Cancer

53: Do you save money or spend it? Spend

54: What’s the last thing you purchased? Technically it would be Patreon

55: Love or lust? Lust

56: In a relationship? Nope

57: How many relationships have you had? None

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? Nope

59: Where were you yesterday? At home

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? Yeah the envelope that came right My First Girlfriend is a Gal

61: Are you wearing socks right now? Nah

62: What’s your favourite animal? CAT

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? God I could not tell you

64: Where is your best friend? Probably at home or asleep in the Canadian wilderness of the BC

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. I am not going to do that. Not sorry.

66: What is your heritage? A whole bunch of European countries. My dad’s side is known to be varied and my mom’s side is the same, but I’d assume mostly Germanic

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? Reading fics in my bed

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name? Murphy

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? Of fucking course

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Yes

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? Save the fucking dog. If I’m that deep in my job that one more tardiness means I’m done than it’s not worth it. Plus, I can explain to them and my future jobs why I was late. I feel like people would understand.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? A. Yes B. If I can, travel places, see all the people I haven’t see in a while or at all, and actually finish things I haven’t ever finished. C. Of course

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. Trust

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Fuck me for it but “"Crepuscularity” but it’s a sad kind of happy

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? Nice

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? Trust and the ability to talk to each other about anything and especially when it’s about that trust or about things that are hurting the other person

77: How can I win your heart? Show genuine interest in me and what I like.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? Yes

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? Oh god. Um...submitting that audition for “This is Why I Clop”. I wouldn’t know any of my online friends if it wasn’t for that.

80: What size shoes do you wear? 11 1/2

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? “RIP: This is empty because there’s no body in it, so feel free to go ham.”

82: What is your favourite word? Fuck

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. Alone

84: What is a saying you say a lot? “To be quite honest”, “everyone and their mother”, “to be fair”

85: What’s the last song you listened to? “POP/STARS”

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? Red/orange

87: What is your current desktop picture? Still the ME 2 collage

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? I can’t answer that

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? What’s the one kink you hate liking?

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? Ask if they can talk. If they can’t and are just looming, try to get back to sleep.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? Control time

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? Oh this is a good question. That last 30 minutes of the Jan. 2012 BronyCon where I modded the stream and heard “You Only Got One Life to Live”

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? Goodbye that sexual assault in the common room

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? Always music huh? I’m gonna say Cher

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Los Angeles

96: Do you have any relatives in jail? Probably

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? Nah

98: Ever been on a plane? Yep

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? It’s...it’s not easy anymore. And I know I make a lot of mistakes and whine a lot and am in no position to hate who I am or what I’ve done and I know that I don’t deserve everything I’ve gotten, but...it’s hard to want to live life and enjoy little things when you’ve been told that you’re great at a lot of things and end up never getting there because you didn’t put enough work in or you weren’t lucky enough to get it. And then you’ve got this great big old dream looming over you that you can escape in because it’s so much to imagine what it would be like. But you know that deep down you’ll end up back home working at Menards and ending up just like your father. Well guess what? If I’ll never be shit, duck? Than I’d least like to fucking know if I ever had a chance in the first place.

[onecrazysquirrel]

Good morning beloved and God bless you on this beautiful morning.

Well it is trying to turn into one of those days on me but I won't let it. Woke up with a sore back (nothing new) finally came to enough to make it to the restroom somewhere between 9:30 and 9:45 AM, finally slept sort of; was in and out all night seemed like I kept waking up every fifteen minutes, at least I got some sleep thank God. Started my morning routine I always start by studying a bible verse and praying. Enjoyed studying and the initial prayer time, created an image for The Dressing Vine Ministries with the verse and shared it to the various platforms we are associated with. Then I went to work on an update for a campaign that I'm overseeing to aid a single mother and her child who are currently homeless, there should've been money deposited in an account for them this morning; I go to check the withdraws section of the campaign and it has that button saying to set them up, I did this early last week so it should already be set up. I ran through the set up process again and checked again and there was the setup button again, first email to the help center for technical support and they responded by restarting the campaign and emailing back saying the campaign was now ready; I checked it again and it still said setup so I ran through the process again thinking maybe they just needed to initiate the campaign, no good still the same outcome. I let it ride and set up for the morning update, created the artwork for the morning and gathered some alternate donation method information; was typing up the update and momma messaged me so I had to tell her that there were issues and the money hadn't come through. Needless to say she was somewhat upset a she apparently had something to pay off around 12:30 and was really counting on the funds, this put a serious damper on my wake ritual, I sent her some encouraging words and stopped everything to take a few minutes to pray for her; I finished the update supplying Cash App and Venmo information for anyone who wanted to contribute for the time being, I posted it and went back to troubleshooting the issue. Well now I have sent the second email trying to explain the situation more in depth and am waiting for their response, I'll follow up when I'm finished sharing here. So far that's been my morning, rather frustrating to be honest and somewhat disheartening but not so terrible as to darken the whole day; I refuse to let one little issue like this bring me down.

It's currently 12:01 PM here in Dayton Ohio and 39° with a forecasted high of 49° with a real feel of 43° so bundle up it's that deceptive type of cold that doesn't really feel that cold until it's made you sick. The sun is out and shining I see barely any clouds and from what I can tell it's calm with little to no winds. So not a bad day outside but still not fun of you're stuck in it.

Still need help here prayers, love and support would like to get some more work done the car and pray some bills and loans; running through gas like it's soaking into the ground it seems, and I keep getting these candy bar and pop cravings that start up and just won't go away. I know candy bar and pop probably shouldn't be brought up, not really worth mentioning; but when the cravings are driving you crazy and you gave no means to take care of them, well just thought I'd throw them in here. It's starting to get late already and I still need to finish my bible study and prayers for the morning, not to mention troubleshoot this issue and get cleaned up and ready to go to work this afternoon. So I am going to wish you all a very blessed day in the Lord.

Thank you for spending a few minutes with me today and thanks for all of the prayers, love and support that you offer. May God bless and keep each and everyone of you and yours...