#this outfit is just . what i am wearing today . so thats why its ugly

[xoxambeezy]

12.30.22

Today, I woke up, and here is what happened: I woke up and went to the bathroom. I then said Good Morning to my doggos and kissed King.  I walked Prince first, and I wanted to take him to the p-a-r-k, but i was nervous bc its friday morning and he likes to bark and has had issues at the park numerous times. but he literally dragged me so we went and he was fine, he just didnt poop.

Then I walked queen and she did poop. shes been doing good on our walks lately. she likes to play too. i put on a new/old collar bc hers is breaking. she did fine.

when i walked prince, the water came so after i got them all in, i dragged the bottles in and put one in the dispenser. 

I started getting ready to go to the store bc here i am such a procrastinator and didnt get an outfit for nye, since apparently we have functions to go to. told triston i was getting ready, and asked if he wanted to go. he said yeah give me a sec, so i did. 

oh actually, after the water, i did his laundry for work.

anyways, he took a min and i got ready and asked did he still want to go. he got up and got ready, but i could see he was tired and annoyed so i told him he didnt have to go, but he went anyways, with a whole ass attitude. mind you, i ask to be nice just in case he wants to go. i never want him to feel like i didnt want him with me when i went to do things, and hes been saying he will go, but i guess this moment was different. but he still went. we literally just pulled off and hes huffing and puffing. i asked him whats wrong and did he need to do any shopping and he said no, i told you this last night and yesterday (no he didnt, he said he was gonna go) and i told him to stay his ass home then and he said no hes already in the car and i told him to turn around bc we were right there and he didnt. during the time at the store, he just stood on his phone and when i went to try clothes on he went to the car. i called him and this is how i found out he was in the car. told him he didnt even bother to tell me and he said i was in the dressing room and i said so you cant use your phone to call and hung up. 

let me fucking tell you, i literally hate when he goes out and doesnt even bother to 1. tell me so im worried all through the night, and 2. doesnt invite me. i literally wfh so im home 24/7. i would love to go out, even though i hate when im actually out. its the little fucking things. i mean, i dont have to get invited all the time, but #1 is definitely something i feel he should do no matter what. have me not tell him im even showering and its a big issue and a fight. 

but i digress. anyways, were home now and i didnt get anything. didnt even want to go to another store bc hes vibe was just not it. so i go home and try some things i have already and he was very not into it. like i felt so ugly and ill take that to my grave. finally picked one outfit(might not even wear it) and that was it. 

i knew he was tired, right, so i asked him why not come into the room- he was on the couch, and he said he didnt want to lay down, but was laying down on the couch. 

so i left it alone. he got ready for work and didnt even say bye to us. i literally yelled bye and have a great day and got nothing. oh he brought clothes, so he will be going out after work tonight. 

after he left, i literally was go annoyed and hurt and sad and aggrivated that i took my inhaler bc i was having an asthma attack. then i started cleaning. the room, living room, kitchen, and bathroom. now im working ot and doing laundry. 

a few things i missed though throughout my day. i was reminded i tried to commit suicide almost 6 years ago, and that i miss my grandma more than anything in this entire existence. 

i think thats all. 

[alicetgwdlm]

you can run, but are you fast enough ?

have been trying to get back into actually liking doing art so ! very dodgy “grace chastity (?)” doodles w lyrics from a possible npmd song !

[omisbreakfast]

i rank every summer outfits from a3! because??

because i can. also fuck you.

the first version of this was deleted by tumblr in my drafts and now i have to re write it entirely and i fucking hate it here... anyways.

i’m biased as fuck

sorry it’s a long post

harugumi :

itaru : yeah no actually it’s pretty fine. ngl itaru is kinda hot when he dress correctly so there’s that. also, he’s often in pink. it suits him, but i don’t like it. still.... cute. but it’s also itaru so not too much praises. 9/10

citron : why.......... the shoes.... what the fuck are those shoes.... where did you even find them..... do you wanna fight or something.... this fills me with rage... you’ve disappointed me, citron... also hate the shirt. 3/10

tsuzuru : casual, soft, classic boy... nothing much to say here. but WHY THE FUCKING HAT??? IT RUINS EVERYTHING...... at least wear it correctly PLEASE. YOU DUMABSS. and the shoes would have been better in another color. i just,,,,, why tsuzuru, why the hat... 4/10

sakuya : i can’t bring myself to say bad things about sakuya. (also the fact that i don’t remember what i wrote before the first version of this post got deleted in my drafts pisses me off) but like,,, he’s cute. i mean it’s a classic outfit. tho the choice of the shirt is questionable as fuck. also HES SO TINY BABY. 6/10

masumi : yeah no actually i like it. i really like the shirt for some reason, it suits him. BUT BUT BUT the pants looks weird as hell LMAO?? like... it makes him looks like a crotch less ken doll??? it’s,,, really weird. also the shoes are.... hmmm.... overall good balance but there’s some weird stuffs going on. 7/10

chikage : garbage boy stink man. fucking looks like a rich white boy coming home from tennis and i fucking hate it here ™ if i’m objective about this it’s actually NOT bad but it loses several points for the sole reason that it’s fucking chikage and i won’t take shit for it. 6/10

natsugumi :

kazunari : why. why do you do this. why. why. how am i supposed to ever learn how to love when you backstab me like this, kaz ? what do we do now ? i trusted you and you betrayed me. i can never find love ever again............ yeah ok. pls let’s skip to the next one.... 2/10 (and two points is because it’s kaz and i just can’t bring myself to truly hate him.)

yuki : it’s not bad but i hate this dress. like. his outfits are usually ok but this? no. YOU LOOK LIKE A GOOD CHRISTIAN BOY, DAMN IT YUKI. are YOU GOING TO CHURCH TO PRAISE THE LORD TODAY TOO? also the colour of it... no. 4/10

tenma : congrats you rich boy you finally have a decent outfit ! though i don’t understand the concept of your zip being infront but ok. bet his stans like it smh. also i like the color of his jacket. very nice. 8/10

muku : baby i love u so much but u look like the pinterest girls who take aesthetic pictures in flowers fields and are smiling like the sun @ the camera.......... which is not per se but it’s a whole vibe. also stop wearing orange. it doesn’t go with your hair well........ ilu cutie. 8/10

misumi : my sweet boy. why are you wearing an hoodie with a jacket. why. it’s summer you idiot. you’ll get overheated. stop. but overall he looks very nice. idk i just think he’s neat......... i. i love u @ misumi. 9/10 (don’t look at me)

kumon : he... he looks like.... a j-j-j*ck..... which he is............... i just........... oh my god. i love kumon but he IS a jock i JUST ???? LALFKGKK. also his fucking shoes makes me lose my mind because this is so fucking bullshit ???? so ugly it hurts my eyes.... he’s lucky he’s a good boy. 4/10

akigumi :

juza : nah he hot as hell in this pass on it. if you’re asking yourself why he looks so good, here’s your answer : his arms. his arms are great. i can excuse his sandales this time cuz IT IS summer but yeah. yeah no he’s cute and- yeah. ok. yeah. hm hm. 9.5/10

taichi : so the thing with taichi is that his style is NOT bad per se but like. he’s a skater boy. so my standards are already very low for him,,,, like no offence i love taichi so much but,,,, that’s how it be.... his shirts are usually so big he looks like a GOD DAMN FLAG i can’t with this. and i don’t like how baggy his pants are but yeah,,,, it’s just a whole look.... anyways................ 6/10

omi : in which yosei boys decided to fucking test my patience by putting on classic, good looking clothes and decided to absolutely ruin my entire hopes and dreams (if i’m being dramatic ? no i am not.) AND their WHOLE outfits adding an useless stupid fucking hat thay doesnt seems even to be worn properly. omi, tsuzuru, you’ll pay for this. 7/10

sakyo : (i’m tired as heck and i almost forgot about sakyo when he’s right in the middle) actually i like this. it’s color coordinated and i think that’s very nice. but i wish his pants would have been a little bit longer. yeah no that’s it for real. also idk what’s about this outfit but he really shows how skinny he really is LMAOOO. shithead sakyo. 8/10

azami : the thing about azami is that usually his upper half is pretty well dressed, or whatever, but when we look at his pants/shoes its where everything goes to shit. Like ???? what the fuck man you could have done so much better if you didn’t decide to put this gigantic pants who looks like you’re gonna fly with it or fucking whatever (i don’t need to make sense i’m TIRED) also his shoes bothers me. can’t believe he’s fucking 15 like shut up. 6/10

banri : ...... *inhales* FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU. fuck you and your ugly ass little hat and your zombie like haircut i. fucking despise you. if he were standing right infront of me, no he wouldn’t be because he would deck him so hard. YOU HAVE THE MONEY TO BUY CLOTHES AND THE TIME TO TRY AND MAKE IT LOOK GOOD ?? SO WHY???? what’s going on in your ugly ass little head bitch. THANK YOU god he isn’t wearing any animal prints in this, thats one thing. imagine this awful outfit with the ugly shoes and stUPID FUCKING HAT that i hate, with a leopard print shirt.... yeah cursed. i know. sorry banri stans i cant hear you over the sound of your man fishing with joe and bertrand on a sunday morning at 6am. 3/10

fuyugumi :

tasuku : ... idk man. he’s just there. why is... his shoes... so flashy........ bruh...... also he looks like a very straight man and idk how to feel about this. we know u gay bitch. 7/10

hisoka : except for the fucking weird ass pants it’s actually ok. he looks.... very comfy. 10/10 would CUDDLE...... pls hisoka.... i’m tired... fluffy boy..... ugh..... i don’t have much to say about this ok he just.... spare some cuddles. 7/10

actually i like it. well. there’s two things that bothers me. GREEN. DOESN’T. SUIT. HIM. PERIOD. if u think otherwise i’m sorry. it’s just awful with his purple hair (or whatever color it is) imo. and the second..... the square should have been a triangle. i won’t take no’s. 8.5/10

tsumugi : ngl tsumugi gives me little lost boy looking for his mommy vibes. at first i thought it was his outfits but no, it’s just his face. and this ? doesn’t make it better. idk how to explain but how he wears his shirt makes it look like he’s floating and it’s kinda cute in a... special way. he’s just a very sweet boy. 7/10

azuma : i can’t bring myself to even say bad things about azuma... it’s physical. i just can’t. i have a theory his power is that strong and therefore i cannot critizice this beauty. he just. is. ya know........ sigh...... 9/10

guy : if he dresses like this, that’s.... that’s not your man, ladies. that’s your loving, hardworking and dedicated husband who just went to pick some flowers in the prairies next to your little farm in the middle of the nowhere but who’s still paradise on earth cuz it’s the two of you and you couldn’t ask for anything more. deadass. fucking peasants. 4/10

[gayspock]

SEARCH FOR SPOCK LETS GO GO GO GO

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU OPEN WITH THIS SHUT UP THE WOUND IS STILL SO RAW I CANT TAKE IT

- IT BEING ALL WASHED IN BLUE AND SLOWLY COMING INTO COLOUR AS JAMES RECOUNTS HIS PARITNG SPEECH TO SPOCK ENOUGH I AM 21 YEARS OLD NOW YOU CANNOT REDUCE ME LIKE THIS IM GOING TO HAVE A FUCKIGN MOMENT

- sincerely i think im just too emotional today i truly am i have been for a while and i knew i was going to be rough today hence why im watching this (to cope) and yet despite knowing this im like screaming at myself for tearing up at the title sequence girl literally get a grip!

- you’re telling me im incapable of coping also, kirk, im going to lose my mind here

- “we paid with our dearest blood” he rellalty is dear isnt he. spock come back im sick of it. 

- big fan of this butt ugly alien dog that keeps snarling and looks so so bad but what a good boy. what a good puppy. mwah!

- AND IF MY GRANDMOTHER HAD WHEELS, SHE’D BE A BIKE!

- everyone obsessed with spock’s death yeah we all are, kirk, im fucking going cazy im losing my mind and i know the man isnt even dead and whoevers in his god damn quarters . GOD.

- also chekov just randomly speaking russian to scotty and scotty beinglike “what” and chekov doing it again me too

- bones is bones okay my king bones are you literally okay

-  i have been thinking for a while as i am one to do and i dont know ive always wanted a tattoo and stay with me here im thinking if i ever want one i have to sit with the idea for at least 2 years (since if i were to get one, i’d have to sit with it longer for that) and all these shots of the enterprise.... well. im being convinced moreso every day. no im not kidding this shit has rotted my brain severely

- sincerely though this has been the most ive felt in a while and god i love little liveblogs my little admission here i just like to feel a little less lonely watching movies dont you girlies

- are david and saavik going to be a thing. i think thats cute honestly bless their hearts. also kirk boys have a type i guess

- THE LOOKS THEYRE ALL BRINGIGOIDJGISJFHSJFHJSHJSHHGD. KIRK THE OUTFIT LOOKS LIKE IT SELLS FOR AN ARM AND A LEG ON DEPOP.  sulu im also like alarmed i love sulu’s outfit personally like king shit. BUT KIRK. LIKE I MEAN, YOUR PERFORMANCE WAS FINE, SHATNER: I BELIVED, FULLY, THAT KIRK WAS HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS. BUT ALL OF THAT PALES IN COMPARISON TO THIS OUTFIT. YOU COULD HAVE JUST ROCKED IN WEARING THIS, DAY 1, AND I WOULD BE LIKE AHA YUP MAN’S LOST  IT

- SAREK?

- KIRK, YOU BOYFRIEND’S DAD CAME TO FUCKING YELL AT YOU. HOW IS IT GOING MAN.

- this scene . . okay . okay (breathes) no offence but sarek getting kirk to relive it all and kirk almost crying and whispering no. now hang on girls.  (starts pacing around)

- NOT to unpack but sarek assuming that spock, rightfully, entrusted everything he was and everything he knew with kirk’s mind... that in his dying moments, spock would give it all to kirk.... okay. hang on. fuck off.

- “what you ask is difficult” kirk dont give me that horseshit and pretend like you’re dragging your feet, here. dont act coy. we know DAMN well the number of times and the amount of bullshit you’ve done to save both spock and bones and what they both have also done

“but if spock has an eternal soul, then it is my responsibility.” “yours?” “as surely as if it were my very own” LITERALLY OKAY THEN!

- AGAIN WITH THE OUTFITS. JIM WHAT YOU’RE WEARING IS SO CLOSE TO BEING OKAY BUT ITS ATROCIOUS. MEANWHILE IM A LITTLE OBSESSED, PERSONALLY, WITH CHEKOV AND SULU’S MATCHING LEATHER NUMBERS. GENTLEMEN. (NODS POLITELY... RESPECTFULLY)

- personally im actually all for mccoy/spock hybrid going to a bar .

- no hang on NO IM OBSESSED WITH THE MCCOY/SPOCK FUSION NONSENSE. “WHERE’S THE LOGIC IN OFFERING ME A RIDE HOME, IDIOT?” THAT’S PIRCELES TO ME. ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS.

- people say this about me in both the gay way and the mentally ill way and well that’s also the same with spoccoy (which is what im lovingly calling the fucked up trifle their brain is right now)  so well

- has.

- has star trek sworn before this?

- not sure why but this took me out in that sense LIKE DID MCCOY EVER SAY BITCH BEFORE THIS. AM I LOSING IT. AM I. SINCERELY. BECAUSE IT TOOK ME OUT. BITCH? BITCH? MCCOY, DID YOU JUST CALL SPOCK A BITCH?

- here’s the thing stay with me here . there are so, so few characters i headcanon as specifically not-gay do you know what i mean. and even now i say this that as a JOKE, and not really seriously: because the only reason why im here for straight sulu, is because i think it’s very funny to imagine tos sulu as straight, given how they specifically made him gay in aos and george takei was like “i sincerely wish you didnt.” like i do find that very funny. personally. but all of that being said, i reiterate i say that mostly in jest because right now... sulu, the outfit. the vibes. so immaculate. unparalleled.

[pbandjesse]

Today was a lovely day. Just a really nice time. I did not sleep good but I still felt good! 

I am just feeling like Im not getting enough air when I sleep. I woke up a few times because my nose was so stuffed up and crusty. And I somehow bit through my grind guard so thats great! Thankfully I have a backup. But I am going to have to figure out why Im getting so stuffy. Its annoying and I want to be able to breath normal!

So I slept until almost 10 again. James had already left for work. I sort of remember him saying goodbye but its foggy. I woke up feeling like I was forgetting something. And even now I dont know what it could have been. It wasnt a nice feeling. I thought maybe it was texting my mom about christmas. So I did that but it didnt help my weird feeling. 

But I did have a nice day. I spent the morning cleaning up my animal crossing island. I knew my friend Devin would come visit tonight, since they couldnt last night, and I wanted it to be perfect. I fixed up a few spots that were missing things and just made it ready for company. I had my breakfast and it was just nice. 

I wore my christmas dress today. Its very soft and flowy and I like it a lot. I did wear it backwards though because the actual neckline is just so high. But because its so big on me it feels just fine turned around. I will probably wear it with a belt on actual christmas but today it was just cozy. 

After I ate I decided to head out. I wanted to get as much christmas shopping done today as possible. And I am pleased to report I am basically done! I want to maybe pick up one or two more things. But I am happy with what I did get. 

I went to savers first. I got fuzzy fabrics and some glasswears. I also got a little christmas music box thing that that has ice skating snowmen. Adorable. 

I went over to the goodwill next and I got a couple good things there too. I got two soft size storage cubes too that are for James in his room. I also saw the man in front of me was buying the furby board game!! I almost asked him if I could take a picture. I was a little bummed that I didnt snag that but its okay. Maybe someday. 

I headed down to the Towson shopping center next. I went to the Marshals there. Which is not a very good Marshals. But I did get new shoes. The boots I got on line turned out to be 9s. My brain flip flopped the number apparently. Maybe I can give them to someone else. But they are a little to big on me. So I got some knock off uggs that have memory foam. I used to really hate uggs but Im embracing them now. Cozy. Ugly. Love it. 

And for my final stop I went to target. Where I got a bunch of candy for my stocking gift with James's family. It was a little busy there but I kept my distance.

I headed home after that. I made a pitstop for burger king and for some reason that took almost 20 minutes of waiting after I ordered. Something was going on with the car in front of me and they were almost yelling at the cashier. She was super sweet once I got to her so I hope people are nice to her!!

I got home and was annoyed I had to park on the main street. But I did and I brought in all my things. Had my lunch. And put everything away. Put my presents in piles. And got to work in my studio. 

I got 6 bears prepped for sewing. And did some work on my house shelves. They are ready to hang up now. Maybe tomorrow. 

I hung out for a little while. And soon James was home! It was nice to have him here. We played games in the dungeon for a while. And then I went back to work in the studio. I did some sewing. James helped me do some flipping right side out of arms and ears. My least favorite part of the process honestly. 

And soon I jumped on a zoom call with my MFA class! It was nice to see everyone! I got to tell them some stuff and learned some things they have been up too. So many interesting things. And I got to see Suyao's baby. Who I love. And hear about how things are going for everyone and how me and Suyao do direct sales on instagram. We also talked unions and that was pretty great. And at 8 I got off because I had Devin to allow on my island!

It was so fun to have them. They were there for an hour and it was so fun showing everything Ive worked so hard on. They took diys and fruit and gave me a gold nugget and a snow flake! Amazing. It was so fun to play with someone. They said my island is charming and seemed pretty impressed. Felt good. 

We said goodbye soon after that. I made some outfits for the week and got a shower. And now I am in bed. I think I will go put some more lotion on. And get some sleep. 

I hope work continues to be chill. I have sewing to do and I would like to read. But I just hope it will be a good day. Sleep well everyone. Goodnight!

[pinkykitten]

Winsome

The Wolf Among Us

Bigby Wolf x plus size! reader

Warning: curse words, reader feeling self conscious 

Specifics: fluff, romance, one shot, plus size reader, race neutral reader

People: Bigby Wolf, you, toad, Snow White, Prince (oc)

Words: 2,233

Requested: By @native-snowflake Hi! Could you please do a Bigby Wolf x Fat!Reader where the reader thinks he likes Snow because he’s always around her but he’s really asking Snow on how to ask the reader out? Thanks 😊

Authors Note: this is one of my fav video games its sooo good. also i have such bad back pain cuz of my amazing period. i want to die rn ✌️

The alarm clocked beeped rapidly on your nightstand. The sun was just rising, creeping up to give you a morning hello through the window. Silencing the clock you get up with a groan and a moan. “Its to early,” you declare, getting up anyways. 

You were a reporter, a newspaper reporter. Many folks in Fabletown would often see you with a camera hanging from your neck. Many, many, many people hated you. The reason? Well, you went into their business I mean it is your job. You would get the juiciest stories with the best pictures to back you up. That’s why the newspaper company you worked for, “The Mermaid Times”, always made such good money. It was because of you. 

After eating and getting ready for the day you decided to pick your outfit. It was difficult in the times you lived in, and the more so. These people weren’t just ordinary humans, they were fables. Now do you see any plus size princesses, damsels in distress? Unfortunately, it was difficult to find outfits fit for your job and size. Your dress code was a classy blouse, and skirt. You searched endlessly through your closet. “C’mon y/n you’re gonna be late,” you scolded yourself. 

Finally, you put an outfit together that was suitable for your job.

When you put it on you twirled around in it, trying to find the best parts of it. But nothing. “I don’t know about this.” You placed a hand to your stomach, you really hated how you looked. It just felt awkward, nobody was really your size. The only people that could stand for plus size would be...the trolls. You sighed and saw the time, “oh my god I’m gonna be late!” There was no time for you to sulk and cry you had to go to work and fast!

Walking down the street you chuckle to yourself. “Theres toad back at it again.” You quickly snapped a picture of him walking around, not glamoured. “Its to the farm for him soon.”

You quickly ran to the building. You were working hard more than ever. These murders showing up were not normal and you were the one who had to make sure these stories informed the people of Fabletown. 

“Hello sir, sorry I’m late. “ You gave a guilty smile as you shook hands with your boss. 

“How many times do I need to tell you this y/n, come in at 7. God is it really that difficult?”

“No sir its just I-”

“Please get to work!”

You quickly ran to your office and shut the door. Your boss’s name was Prince. Apparently to him he was the one who saved Nerissa and that they were in love. Remeber, the Little Mermaid?

You huffed down in your dingy chair and placed your fingers on your temples. A knock came through. “Come in!”

One of your co-workers rushed in with many paperwork. “Boss wants ya to get a interview with Snow and Sheriff Bigby. Think you could do that?”

Your whole mood changed. Seeing Bibgy? You and Bigby go way back. You and him are longtime friends. Your heart started to beat rapidly. You also had a liking to Bigby. He was kind to you, and rough around the edges. You knew about his past but chose not to dwell on those instead you dwell on the man he has become today. A sheriff that is pretty dam* good at his job. 

“Um excuse me y/n?”

“Oh,” you hadn’t realize you were spacing out. “Yes of course I can do that. Thanks.”

You go to the mayors building and try to find the assistant deputy mayor office. You feel self conscious inside because many times you have realized that Snow has a better job than you. It made you feel in a way stupid and not important. 

You found her office and gave it a light knock. This interview had to be a little quick because you wanted to ask Bigby while you interviewed him if he would like to go out for dinner. 

You opened the door and low and behold...Bigby was there. “Of course,” you muttered but quickly put on a fake smile. 

Unknown to you Bigby heard you and saw your expression. He stood up when you entered the room and his face showed it all. His love and adoration for you. 

“Hello there y/n! What a surprise, how are you?” Snow asked, covering her mouth because her and Bigby were...eating.

“Well okay then,” you whispered to yourself. Dinner plans are over.

“I’m...good. You guys look great. So I was supposed to interview you and then Bigby but since you’re both here I guess I could interview you both together.” You gave a hug to Snow and lightly gave a hug to Bigby. You didn’t want Bigby to touch your stomach or just touch you because you know you’ve gained weight. As you interviewed them you saw the way they sat by each other, looking in each others eyes, finishing each others sentence. You could tell they really cared for each other and why wouldn’t she get anybody? She was a perfect size, beautiful in the face, kind, sweet, caring. You were the fly on the wall while she was the princess. You would always be the fly on the wall, watching others have fun and enjoy life while you cry with a tub of ice cream to comfort you. 

You stumbled upon your last question to them, “um, I.” You felt tears coming down your face and you sniffled them. “Sorry,” you kept your head low, “allergies. Well I think that settles it. Thank you both enjoyyourday!” Running to the exit you stumble your way out of the building but not until you hear your name being called. 

It was Bigby. You curse under your breath, “of course god dam*it!”

You walked faster through the traffic and went across the street from the building. 

“Y/n I know you hear me!” Bigby called out, running to you. You stood by a drug store awaiting him knowing you wouldn’t even stand a chance with him. 

“Yeah sorry I couldn’t hear you with all the traf-”

“Whats wrong? Why are you crying?”

“Oh its nothing.” In your head you wanted to slap yourself. You wanted to tell him all about your insecurities. Wanted to tell him how much you love him. “Really, the big bad wolf I’m fine.” Your gentle hands found themselves on his cheeks, feeling the rough scratch of his facial hair. 

“Y/n, you can tell me anything right? I’m here for you sweetheart. And I mean I am the sheriff so I have to make sure you are doing okay.” Bigby wanted to hit himself for that terrible joke. 

You looked into his eyes and already you felt better. You laughed and ran your fingers through his hair, “silly Bigby. I’m fine, just go over there. You don’t want to leave your soulmate Snow anymore. I mean I always see you guys together, its like you’re inseparable. Thats okay though, thats how love should be.”

Bigby looked at you weirdly, shaking his head. He tried to go against what you were saying and say his part but you wouldn’t let him speak. 

“My advice is...go to that pizza place down the street its frickin amazing.” Great, food. Thats all you talk about. Well it didn’t matter, who were you trying to amaze, certainly not Bigby. “See you around Bibgy. Also if you don’t know which color she likes just always go for white, usually that works.” You quickly but sweetly placed a loving kiss on his cheek and left waving. 

Bigby was left startled at what you said. “For god sakes y/n I don’t love Snow I love...you.”

Bigby P.O.V

From the moment he met you Bigby was in love. Bigby and you were friends for ages but he always knew he wanted to be with you. Bigby was always there for you, even during those times when you didn’t love yourself. He always wanted to make sure that you knew how much he loved you, but now, now he felt like a failure. You thought he liked Snow!

Bigby slammed the door to Snow’s office. Angry with himself. 

“Did she realize it? How did you tell her? Oh please tell me you didn’t get down on one knee?” Snow pestered Bigby into telling the details. 

“Snow I didn’t ask her out! Alright, I didn’t ask her out.” Bigby rubbed his temples in stress. 

“What do you mean? You didn’t do anything that I taught you?”

“Snow, y/n thinks that me and you are together, like in love.”

Snow felt bad and bit her lip, “ and she’s been seeing us together a lot so no wonder she thinks that. Oh poor girl. I feel so bad, I wanted her to know how much you love her. She’s always coming to me sometimes for interviews when in real life she wants someone to talk to. She has such a good heart yet she feels so terrible about herself.”

Bigby stood up and placed a cigarette in his mouth. “I’m gonna do it.”

“Do what?”

“I’m gonna tell that girl, my girl, how much I love her. I’m gonna make sure she knows how sexy and beautiful she is in my eyes. She needs to know this and she needs to hear it because shi* it is the truth! I love her Snow, I really love her.”

Snow smacked Bigby lightly on the head, “then what are you waiting for Romeo? GO!”

End of Bigby P.O.V

You, again, these moments happen many times in your life, are sitting on your couch, watching the notebook while eating a ton of ice cream and crying your heart out. 

“Why can’t I look like that? Why can’t I have love like that? Guess its just you and me,” you said to your ice cream, eating a spoonful. 

Suddenly, someone knocked on your door. You didn’t think anything of it so you didn’t try to cover yourself up. You trudged to the door and opened it. You wish you would of covered yourself up. 

It was Bigby. You tried closing the door but Bigby was too strong. 

“No Big you can’t see me this way. I don’t have makeup on and I look terrible!” Your arms showed through your pj, you weren’t wearing a bra, and your stomach chub was visible.

Bigby came in and saw you in your state. You tried covering yourself up, you seeing ugliness while Bigby saw...beauty. 

“Wow.” Was all he said. 

“Trust me I know,” you answered back, looking in his eyes. 

Bigby walked closer to you, and he could tell you were crying for a long time. Your eyes were red and your eyelashes were thick with your tears, your e/c eyes standing out to Bigby and making him weak. Your plump cheeks, stained with tears. Your lips dry, needing to be kissed to bring them back to a hydrated state. You looked like a goddess to Bigby. 

“Sweetie-”

“Its fine, I’m fine. What did you want Bigby?” You sat on the arm chair of your couch, covering your arms and stomach. 

“I wanted to tell you something. I wanted to tell you that,” Bigby heaved a heavy sigh. He was a man of few words, not much of a man expressing his feelings. But you needed his feelings right now, you needed all of him. “I wanted to tell you that I think you are beautiful. You think I like Snow, well you’re wrong. I actually like, well, love you.” Bigby scratched his head while you gasped. “Hear me out, I don’t want any one else except you. I think you are gorgeous, I think you’re prefect the way you are. I see someone so important, someone so hardworking, sexy, smart, kind, caring, really a gad dam* jem. In other words I came here to tell you that you don’t need changing and all that shi*, I just want you to feel loved.”

Bigby motioned closer to you and made you look up in his eyes. “I wanted to know if you would like to go out. Would you like to be my-”

Your lips crashed onto his, your fingers laced in his light brown locks. His lips tasted of cigarette and something unknown, something of Bigby. Your soft cheeks touched his rough facial hair in the make out session. Placing your hands around his neck you deepen the kiss. You wanted this more than anything. You have been in love with Bigby for so long that this is what you needed. Lips separating, you and him are panting. 

“Sorry,” you bit your lip, feeling embarrassed. 

“No don’t be, I really wanted to do that. That was actually...amazing. I meant what I said y/n, all of what I said, I meant it.”

You nodded and smiled a real actual happy smile, “I know.”

Bigby picked you up and placed you on his lap. You laid your head right on his chest, while his hands were wrapped around you. Bigby kissed the top of your head, “what are we watchin?”

“The Notebook,” you smiled at him, giggling when you saw him gag. 

That night was perfect, Bibgy was sweet, funny, and just perfect for you. He made you feel loved and beautiful. 

Tag List: @harrington-lover, @angelgl16, @perfectlybeautifulsuit, @dreamsofwhiteandblack, @hyehoney, @wtfisalltherandoms, @haven-prelude, @leasly, @totally-alexa21, @bappo-take-a-nappo, @multireese,@fanfictionrecommendations-com, @prentisskelley, @malereaderforkpop (cannot be tagged), @bi-shy-and-ready-to-die,  @justafangirl-97

Want to be on the tag list?

[ghoul-the-crappy-artist-blog]

Miscellaneous stuff from a character discussion chat in a BNHA rp server that I'm apart of, found these gems recently and decided to share them with ya'll out of boredom, (some of these are very old btw):

Someone: "so your willing to risk your life for this? Thats noble but.. you do know there's a high chance for death right?"

Jade: "oh yeah, I know. im mainly just agreeing to this because I think I can outrun anything."

----------

Jade: is pissed off "I may smile all the time honey, but I've got a mean f*cking back hand and I'm not afraid to use it on your ugly a** :) "

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Jade: "if I run at them, they will most certainly catch me in their arms." runs at friend and both topple over, braking a table in the process on their way to the ground.

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Villian: is very confused and expected something different. "um.. what are you wearing..?"

Jade: wearing mixed matched clothes from different aesthetic genres. "it's my ass kicking outfit b*tch!"

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Jade: trying to sound smart but is also very tired. "steampunk is only a thing because some goths discovered the color brown."

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Jade: yells at bad guys "I'm 8 ounches of whoop-ass!"

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Jade: proceeds to scare everyone as a jump scare happens while watching a horror movie, then proceeds to get pelted with pillows.

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Villian: "why don't you just go down and die with diginity??"

Jade: "HA jokes on you! I don't do anything with dignity!"

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Jade: being forced to watch over kids and gets bored so she decides to mess with them in order to entertain herself "now remember kids, rats are the capri-suns of the vampire world!"

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Jade: walks into her therapists office "hello person with a degree! I'm here to tell you why I'm broken."

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Jade: franticly texting her classmates while unknowingly in a villains lair/villian territory "this is a mass text- DOES ANYONE KNOW WE'RE I AM?"

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Jade: looks at her the angery rival whos busy trying to be edgy "pff, who is this sad lost child?"

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Person: "hehe people love me! I'm like cupid~"

Jade: "your a whore with a bow & arrow."

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Person: "lol I've never seen someone so pathetic!"

Jade: "oh, did you look in a mirror?"

----------

Friend: "um.. why are you so quiet today?"

Jade: "no one plans murder out loud.."

----------

Jade: "well that was fun!"

Person: "no it wasn't, we went to jail!!"

Jade: "nah, we went to Holland. Big difference."

(If you get this reference, your amazing)

----------

Jade: "I saw a piece of shit on the ground the other day and it reminded me of you."

Iro: "yeah? Well that piece of shit probably gets more looks then your gremlin lookin' ass."

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Villain: "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so powerful, not even all of you combined can stop me!"

Class 1-A: "yeah um.. we don't think Jade will let us die.. let us ask her tho." looks at jade. "hey this Villain says-"

Villain: "that's not how this works-"

Jade: looking at her classmates with a super serious expression and cracking her knuckles. "No."

Class 1-A: turns back to the Villain and shrugs. "yeah, she said no."

----------

Jade: "you ever just think that.. sweet-tarts are just sour smarties..? And that rice is just boiled wheat?"

Person: "jade.. how high are you?"

Jade: "huh? Oh.. about, like 5'6."

----------

Jade: "positive words of the day: if your ever sad, just remember- Doofenshmirtz's girlfriend left him for a whale."

----------

Jade: "I'd sell you to Satan for one corn chip."

Rival: "last week when someone called me weak during training; you tackled them and broke their jaw with your bare hands out of anger."

Jade: "..."

Rival: "..."

Jade: "irrelevant."

----------

Jade: "I don't know why people think driving is so hard, it's just like Mario cart except slower.. and you can't throw blue shells at people."

Parents: "okay.. that settles it, your never driving."

----------

Jade: talking to a bully "I'm only gonna say this once- DO NOT f*ck with my friends. I have watched way to many crime shows, and I know how to get away with things."

----------

Jade: "I like a nice nap, my naps can last up to 3 hours. Some call that depression- I call it nap time."

----------

Jade: "what do you mean? I'm always calm and rational with minor inconveniences!"

Friend: "you had a mental brake down yesterday when we were out of gummy worms."

Jade: "so? Their my favorite.."

----------

Jade: smirks while looking out the window.

Friend: "hm? What'cha smiling at over there Jade-"

Person: "she set the old golf course on fire to see what would burn."

Jade: filled with glee and holding back laughter. "Hehe-..everything's ablaze."

----------

Jade: is out with friends one night and parents get brung up in the conversation. "..."

Jade: looks off into the distense and into the depths of the city and raises her middle finger. "f*ck you dad."

----------

Friend: has all the sads

Jade: le gasp "don't worry! I have emotional jumper cables!"

Jade: hugs friend then locks her hands together while her arms are around them.

Friend: confused "um.. Jade, this is just a hug-.."

Jade: "yeah, but.. is it working?" smiles happily like a lil kid

Friend: "..."

Friend: "maybe.."

Jade: :D

----------

Child Jade: "i don't understand why you are scared to meet new people, strangers are just friends you haven't met yet!"

Friend: "that's how you get mugged or murdered.."

Child Jade: "..hmmm... would they stab me with friendship..?"

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Apolaki: at the theme park "how much for the horse tornado??"

Jade: "it's called a carousel.."

Amusment Park Worker: "sir, It's not for sale."

Apolaki: quietly to himself 'I must have it..!'

----------

Person: "so you guys got kicked out of the movies? Uuh.. do i even nedd to ask why?"

Jade: "Iro and I were yelling diving scores as people were jumping of the boat in titanic."

Person: "wtf-"

Iro: "that last guy was a solid eight let me tell you."

----------

Dad: "why can't you just be normal for once??"

Jade: "oohh I don't know, why can't you be a good father for once?"

----------

Jade: "studying? Heh more like student dying! Am I right or am I right?"

Person: "um.. Jade, are you ok..?"

Jade: "nope! Ha ha.., I've been awake for 103 hours."

----------

Jade: "no no no- I'm fine, it was pretty cool! I went in there and he was all like 'Knife to meet you' and then stabbed me-"

Gin: "JADE YOU WERE STABBED- !?"

Jade: "yeah but, you don't understand- he made a PUN Gin."

----

Jade: "how to you orangize a galactic party?"

Rival: "I don't really care, but how?"

Jade: "hehe, you.. Planet !"

Rival: "get tf out.."

----------

Person: "Im like Belle because she loves books and likes people for their souls."

Jade: "I'm like Tinkerbelle because she needs attention and love or else she dies."

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Jade: singing "I want to see my little boy~"

Harper: walks into the room while holding up Apolaki "here he comes~!'

Jade: throwing confetti "I want to see my little boy~!"

Apolaki: *has no idea what vine is, so is very confused*

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Uda over text: "I miss those bro posts, bro."

Kumoji over text: "I miss your eyes, bro."

Uda: "bro.." :0

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Uda: "if I run and jump at Kumoji, he will most certainly catch me in his arms!" runs full speed at Kumoji

Kumoji: steps to the side to avoid it

Uda: runs into the wall "oOf

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Jade: "um.. what'cha got there Uda?"

Uda: standing in front of a lion that he stole from the zoo, and that he put a leash & a hat on while holding a drink "a smoothie."

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Jade: "I want to look like a snack this summer, but I keep f*cking eating them."

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Jade: "limes are the off brand warheads of the lemon world."

Kanna: "uuh yeah hey-, what the f*ck does this mean??"

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Child Jade: "when I become 99 pounds I want to eat 1 pound of sugar, so that I can be 1% candy!"

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Jade: dancing around and singing like like a Disney princess "i wish to venture in the great wide somewhere~"

Kanna: opens door "you can do that, no one's stopping you."

Jade: flops onto her bed "but not today cuz I am tired~"

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Person: gets a bruise or small cut "ouchies I have a boo boo! Looks like I can't do anything at all till it heals." :)

Jade: Is literally deku during the end of the training camp arc with cuts, bruises, a significant loss of blood, and two broken arms "let's do this- come at me bish."

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Jade: "eh whatever, I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80."

Kanna: "if your alive by 80 I DEMAND A MEDICAL EXPLAINATION"

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Jade: "you ever think about how.. the brain named itself?"

Kanna: sigh "its too early for this late night shit.."

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Uda, Gin, and Jade: finds a villain disguised as a injured civilian who looks close to death

Jade: in a monokuma voice internally: "pupupupupu~ a body has been discovered!" externally: "oh no-"

-----------

Jade: "one time I passed by Kanna in the hallway. it looked like she was eating a apple, but when I got closer, I realised.. she was eating a whole bell pepper.."

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Jade: puts on fancy overly bedazzled sunglasses "words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci."

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Jade at the end of a long school day: "goodbye everyone! I'll remember you all in therapy."

[tumblunni]

Social anxiety C C C COMBO BREAKERRRRR

I had a real good day yo!!

I was in a really stupid emotional state at 4am this morning cos of a dumb nightmare about my abusive mum that i havent seen in 15 years. But at least because of it it prompted me to try and find the address of my childhood home again, and i successfully did and i had a huge nostalgia wave just looking at google street view. I dont know if i'll ever be brave enoughto actually visit there and walk down the same road again with my new and taller legs, but just knowing that its not impossible makes me feel a lot better.

But then srsly i was in real big panic attack shakes and i couldbt get back to sleep and i had a pounding headache and my eyes hurt and then when i finally passed out i kept waking up like half an hour later and having to go thru all the hell of getting asleep again. And then when i woke up at 5pm having wasted the whole day i realized my electricity was out and i needed to walk the 1.5km to the shop where i can pay the bills and AAAAGH giant headache and on the verge of tears and its the middle of a heatwave and my hair dye is all faded bad and so many damn excuses. And 'oh well itll take like 20 minutes to get ready and then what if i walk too slow and the shop is closed'. All the stupid reasons i use to excuse my social anxiety!

BUT IM REALLY PROUD THAT I STILL DID IT

I'm not just giving myself the 1.5 on my kilometres count, im definately getting two points for 'survived anxious social situation with style and grace'!

Cos seriousky cos of the heatwave i wouldnt be able to wear heavy baggy coat yo cover myself up, so i went out in a short sleeved shirt with my binder and i was really inpressed with how good i looked in the mirror. Yknow even tho my face was like sleep deprived mega anxious death hell! XD but yeahi managed to accomplish the Basic Things Of Daily Life despite being in my worst anxious state for ages, and i did it in sweltering weather and while unconfident in my ability to pass. I actually ended up having a swing in my step on the way back and enjoyed a completely un anxious walk for once! I just saw myself in the mirror in the supermarket bathroom and was like 'holy shit i look perfectly fine, what was i worried about?' And then i didnt completely fall apart due to the now new worry that if i was actually successfully passing then maybe i'd get kicked out for using the bathroom of my birth sex. It was a slow shopping day so nobody else came in there, it was fine. And i mean i'd still feel equally as anxious using the other bathroom, there arent any unisex toilets for nonbinary folk :(

But yeah i handled it really well!! Its such a small anxiety to other people tho and i still feel ashamed that i cant completely shed my peoplephobia all at once. But this was a really big step up that metaphorical staircase!

Oh and while i was there i actually felt confident enough to Actually Do Some Damn Shopping! I didnt just limit it to a basic run and gun, get in there, get the one thing and leave thing. I very often do that!! Sometimes it takes me two trips to the shops to get everything cos i got so anxious i just ran home after the first thing XD But today i actually wandered around the whole supermarket and checked if there was anything on sale or anything i forgot to put on my shopping list. Again, very basic thing that normal people do every day, but for me i usually get irrationally panicked so this was a disproportionately big accomplishment!

I BOUGHT A SHOES

I havent bought a new pair of shoes since like.. 4 years? 5 maybe? I cant recall if it was before i moved here or just after. I have a stupid habit of only owning one thing and only replacing it when its broken, because like.. Leftover instincts from being poorer. And its stupid cos im perfectly able to splurge on electronics or pokemon merchandise or whatever when i have spare money, yet when it comes to actual life necessities im like 'nah what a waste'. I guess its cos avoiding paying for them was a common experience during those homeless times, whereas splurging on self birthday gifts was not a thing i could ever do at all. Possibly this is the same reason i get easily suckered in by scratchcards and lootboxes, its easy to not notice how much i'm wasting when its not something i have a long experience with. Plus they kinda cheat by making each singular pull be cheap and then encouraging you to keep gambling fifty more times. But its only 2 bucks each time~fuckin hell im dumb to fall for that shit.

ANYWAY thats why ive been using the same shitty pair of trainers for like five years. Theyre really durable but theyre not exactly comfy or very good looking. Theyre like this neon green and yellow and black tron lines abomination that i DO KINDA LOVE but ive gotta admit that it doesnt fit with many outfits. I literally dont own a single other yellow anything.

So yeah i bought three pairs of shoes on sale for 15 pound in total HOLY SHIT thats a good dealio! I got some plimsolls/daps/im not actually sure what they call them in other countries sorry. Its like the fabric shoe but it has a good grip runner's sole to it? Always used to wear them in gym class at school, i liked them beter than trainers cos the sole wasnt as thick and inflexible. I mean im already clumsy without like 3cm more height on me! And then i got some sort of loafer thing thats similar but more The Comfort. And then i also got some super soft indoor slippers! So now i actyalky have shoes for differebt occasions!! Jogging walking and laying around being a couch potato! Not just wearing these big chunky trainers for all of that! I mean lol it used to be even worse, once my Only Shoes were actualky these huge mountain climbing boots XD i got them free from the homeless shelter and kept them for years after i left, even tho they were too tight and always cut up the back of my ankles. Ah, memories of past trauma! Why am i stirring up so many of these today!!

So anyway yeah thats my Very Boring Normal Day that for once i managed to handle like a normal human being. I'm proud!

Oh and i also got a glitter cowboy hat and i dont know why they were selling a glitter cowboy hat but it was the only sort of sun hat they had so i went with it. It kinda helps with dysphoria somehow?? Like i know people will criticize that part of my fashion first before they notice how ugly the rest of me is XD and its hard to be sad when you're thinking 'beep boop gender cowboy'

[protectjuminhan]

Bella, could you tell us a story of something (that you hadn't shared yet) that made your relationship with Matthew stronger? Only if you want/can, and ofc thank u in advance! It's really cute how you talk about him! Makes me kinda believe in love ;)

Awwe! This one is what happend next that day, if you read part one please. This was a moment where i was trying to held in so much, and it didnt work. and Matthew had his patience and composure tested. It defiantly made us stronger when we got home and talked it over. im sorry for the swearing but its necessary to tell the story.

Part two:

April 29th, 2014:

“Would you like some clothes? I know you have a limited amount of them.” He was right, i only owned what i could fit in my suitcase at the time, and what i picked up from smaller stores on sale. He had finaly come around and wasent mad anymore, because he got back into ‘Lets find something sexy to convince her to buy’ mode. His playful face when trying to help me shop is something i was to patent and sell to to the general public, because its SO DAMN CUTE. “What about here?” He point to a higher end fashion store, one i would have to pray to the gods to find something in my size.

“Maybe not that one..” But he had already went in ahead of me. I walked in, and was greeted by the store manager, i think. She looked me up and own and bluntly stated “You may want to try a different store. Nothing here will fit that.” Point to my stomach. She wasent even trying to spit at me or anything, she just stated it like she was bored and didnt want to help me look for no reason. RUDE ASS BITCH. So she turned around and noticed Matthew, and smiled. Oh. My. God. Im not a jealous person most of the time. Most.  “Can i help you sir? Trying to find something for a special lady? Anyone with you on their arm must be a goddess.” Oh, you didnt understand lady.

“Yeah, shes curvy, do you have anything that is ment for heavier chested girls?” He kinda stuttered a bit, because she was pretty, you guys know that drill.  “yes! this section over here is the plus size section. Girls with big boobs or a nice butt have this section, and smaller girls over there. i didnt think you the guy who likes a little meat on his women. She must be so pretty, with how handsome you are!” She was laying it on thick. Trying to eaither get his number, or him to buy something. I stood back because when i get mad, i get kicked out of places for being sarcastically rude. He smiled akwardly, and made his way to the sweater dress he was eyeing up from outside, seen its size, and proceeded to turn it down. it was going to be to tight. (I have a reaaaaaally big chest, so alot of outfits wont fit there or will ride up in the belly part to compensate for space.)

“yeah, shes wonderful. I asked her out in high school. I like her curves, Her skin is soft, and i dont mind that shes got a little more, beanpoles are hard to hug with these arms.” “and arms you do have sir.” She slurred at him. He walked over to the bra section, and found one close to something i already have. Black and grey plaid, with black lace around the edges, and they had one in my size. He took it off the shelf and took it to the counter, turning around to see me at the door, being very quiet. THEN THIS BITCH OH MY GOD. “Is she making you uncomfortable sir? I asked her to leave already, nothing here will fit her. “ Looking right at me “We dont service fat people. You lot ruin our brand look. Now get out.”

*insert sinister chuckle* You guys dont understand, Matthew and i haddent had our first fight yet. We had ran into this problem before, but not as bad. It got worse when i got pregnant, but we found a way to cope and make it funny by then. Let me make this next part clear. I had never seen Matthew tap into that “The fuck did you just say” Yandere side yet.   All guys have one when being protective of their S/o.

“Can you come here?” He was looking at me with eyes i could not describe. Those eyes you see when someone is being dead calm. Trying not to strangle someone on the spot dead calm. I stepped forward, a little hesitant, because i knew something was wrong. “Do like this? Its really pretty.” “Yeah, it looks like one i have at home.” “Good, I thought it looked nice.” ‘Umm, that is one i have a set for and its one i wear when we sleep together, of course you like it. Whats wrong?’ was my thoughts. He pulled out his card and paid for it without having me take money out of the jar. And hands me the bag after he paid for it. “Next time we fuck, please wear this one, okay? I like the way the colors compliment your eyes. Lets find another store to buy clothes. This ones staff is horrible to talk to, considering all she was doing was attempting to get in my pants. what bad service.”  

“Yeah, i hear (insert store) had amazing service.” He wrapped his arms around me with all the bags still in his hand, placing a kiss on my forehead. “Noone disrespects my Queen and gets my Queens money. If i really didnt want to see you in this, i wouldn’t have bought anything. Lets go, my Queen.” (thats his favorite endearment) Of course she had to open her mouth. “This girl is the one you came in here for? Are you kidding me? shes so out of your league! Shes ugly and Fat, Why her? You would do better with me. And did you say you fuck her? What is she doing, paying you?” “Nope, In fact i gave her nearly 2 grand today as a birthday and late one year anniversary present. Now shut your moth before i contact your Superior and report you for being rude to us. She didnt do anything to you, and who i love doesnt concern you. Now, stop being a trash whore and leave us alone. My Queen and i are gonna give our money to anyone but you.” His face indicated he was repeating a phrase in his mind ‘hitting people is a bad idea’

When we got out of the store, he was silent. Not a good sign from someone who never shuts up. We reach one of those areas where there are sofas and phone chargers, and take a seat on the love seat, adding the bag to the chain system i made to prevent thefts. He set all our bags down and a little roughly pulled me closer where my only option was to wrap my arm behind his back. I felt it then, he was trembling. Men who tremble are on the verge of beating someones ass, or breaking down. Matthew looked like both at the same time. hes very emotional, and i just didnt say anything. i heard little gasps, those you hear from someone trying really heard not to cry by sucking in breaths. those sounds alone were breaking my heart, because none of her words were at him.  

“W-Why do please have to be so rude to people? We might have spent more than she will have in other customers all day, but instead she chose to shoo you out over your weight.” I forced my other arm out, in order to put it on his head. i put light strokes on his scalp. a sure way to calm him down and get him to let his feelings out. Creatures of habit will always be ones of habit. “Shhhh, you dont need to be upset over her simple-mindedness.” I tried to say, but he just shook his head. “Im tired of people telling me who i can and cant love. You ARE a goddess to me. And because you dont fit a type, i cant love you in their eyes. Why? Why the fuck do they get to tell me what to do?” He was ranting. Not being quiet about it. We were getting stares. I highly doubt he gave a single fuck at this point. We always got stared at.

“Matthew, i dont care. Your choices are your own. Just like her opinions are her own. She cant make you do anything but leave the store. People Make choice all the time and this was one you made..” “You make it sound like i chose you like a breakfast cereal. Thats not how this works.” He let go a little so he could dip his head into my chest, a habit when he feels insecure about something. “If you left me, i would rather live alone forever. Your love made me fix so many things wrong in my family. You arent a choice. If you would let me, I want to be together forever.” He was crying, I felt the tears on my exposed area of my chest. Do i make him cry harder by accepting? Do i ignore his statement? Do i make him laugh? Yeah, default. “You mean i have to deal with your crazy ass forever? i dont know if i can handle the puns. Oh god…. The puns.” I felt a chuckle followed by a sob or two. Bingo.

“Am i crazy for loving you?” Oh Fuck. I didnt know what to say. You see, Matthew isent perfect. you guys get the silly sappy stories, but hes really insecure about people loving him. Hes been abandoned and treated like a walking piece of meat so much he feels confused about everything. He felt like the only permanent thing in his life was me. This is called emotional co-dependency in a relationship. its not all that healthy, but no ones perfect. Its that troupe of “If You leave me ill kill myself! i cant live without you!” Saw He this far deep? No, hes not like that. But thats the jist of it.

“No, You dont chose who you love. And if thats me, im happy to have you as my personal eye candy, Koibito. You take good care of me, and i love you so much. Dont think that i dont love you just as much. Plus, you didnt hit her so i congratulate you there.” (Koibito means lover, or sweetheart. I mean it as sweetheart. Hes half japanese and says it to me all the time.) He relaxes a bit, chuckling again. He looked up at me with his joke-serious face “Is that all i am to you? Eye candy?” “Only the finest, i mean you are the hot one in this relationship!” I poked at his side, in a really ticklish spot, and got the reaction i wanted. That laugh that could cure cancer “Dont do that here, you will get REKT.”

We spent the rest of the day hand in hand, in all the rest of the store. I deduced that there was near 3 grand in that jar, and we spent about a thousand of it. I got a new system behind his back, because i wanted to play together later. i mean you know mall prices. a system and two shirts is 500$ smh calm down.

The point that was made here, a loosley put together one at that, is that life does have a path for you. There will be times you can branch off, and make your own. Matthew chose to go with me that day in high school. Life is like a book. Each chapter is a year. You write your book by living. No one will have the same book as you do, but they can connect, like a crossover au. If you quit writing you book, the reader will get sad. i know for a fact unfinished fan fictions are a pain to come across. Pain from life is never gone, its only shared with someone else so it doesnt feel so bad. My pain was my anxiety and self consciousness about my looks. Im not as beautiful as he is in 60% of humanities eyes. People love to comment on it, Oh well.  

Human nature and their capriciousness isent something you can fix. You just hope they have enough respect to not comment on it. Why? Because every human on this earth is beautiful. No one deserves to be told they are not to a human standard. You being alive is amazing, and you should be loved and cherished. This made me and Matthew stronger because he finaly came out and admitted to himself that i wasent there because of his looks. I was there because i love him, and he loves me. This is hard to say in relationships. But saying it is so important.

So let me say it a little louder for those in the back.

Humanities capriciousness to judge others is not something that can be overcome through degradation.

Only trust, communication, and understanding can help people overcome the impulsion and unpredictable decisions people that have to degrade others, instead of being respectful. I hope anything of this helps you understand that everyone deserves love, and some people are just hateful i dont have time for it haha.

[thotragnar0k]

i’ve been occasionally vague in my tags recently (don’t know if anyone actually reads them when i do add them but anyway) and I figured i should probably explain myself.

this past month of august has been really hard for all the good things that have happened in it. i’ve been feeling really upset about my body, my eating habits and my lifestyle, and while i thought being at home wasn’t helping, i was wrong (for reasons that will be explained in this super long post - i am so sorry people who don’t care about me).

i’ve never been happy with my weight. friends of mine have probably noticed that i put myself down a lot - saying self-deprecating things like I’m ugly and one such thing today i’m nowhere near pretty enough to a) marry rich and b) have a sugar daddy (you don’t need context here) - and it’s a problem i am subconsciously trying to fix. 

but as i was saying, my body and i have never been on good terms. i think that my curves are in all the wrong places, and i feel like i’m in that gross in-between where no clothes look good on me, and I don’t have the right proportions for my tall (5′7-5′8) body.

i celebrated my 20th birthday this year, twice technically. Once a few days before with my friends and another the weekend of with my family. Firstly the night out with my friends. Sidenote: I’m not a ‘night out’ kind of girl. I don’t really like to get hammered. I will, I just won’t drink so much that I’ll throw up - mostly because I’m lazy and down want to have to clean. But as we were all at home, I figured fuck it, lets go out-out. Sometimes you just need to go out and get drunk with some friends. 

three things happened that night that made me hate myself. three things, I don’t think I’ve actually told my friends (both of which are on tumblr and may see this if i don’t mass reblog other things immediately after it), or if i have I’ve played it off. 

the first thing: my choice of outfit. again body issues. and lack of night out clothing. i don’t own any jeans that actually sit on my waist. i have high waisted jeans but unfortunately they always slip down to my hips (under my muffin top). my friends looked gorgeous. i felt like i stood out, but in a really bad way. sure the dress i wore was nice, but it wasn’t anything like the outfits they were wearing; jeans and a fancy top. 

the second thing: dancing on a bar in coyote ugly. i did it because, you only dance on a bar once and they were doing it. i can’t dance. i have zero rhythm in this body. dancing on a bar did nothing to help my self confidence. i felt like everybody was watching me and judging me and it made me want to disappear into my bed and never leave it again. 

and the third thing, also happening in coyote ugly; riding a rodeo bull. sure i’d love to say that i was too drunk to care. but i wasn’t. i was tipsy sure, but not too drunk. the thing that made me hate myself during this section of the night out - i couldn’t even get on the bull. my thick ass thighs kept sticking to the seat of the bull and my weak arms couldn’t pull my fat ass up. Sure I got up eventually, but the embarrassment of not being able to get on a rodeo bull was enough to completely slam dunk my self esteem into a trash can and into a bottomless pit. so that was fantastic. 

concerning the weekend with my family; i found myself crying in the bathroom silently before we went to cardiff because i wanted to dress up nice because we were going to a nice steakhouse, but my problems with my body just made me want to hide under a big baggy jumper. 

and i did. i found my biggest, baggiest jumper and i hid in it, because I couldn’t stand to see my disgusting body in something vaguely form fitting. no one commented on it, no one cared, but i did. and to be honest, i think it ruined my birthday.

and thats so sad, that such a small insignificant thing could ruin a while day. but it did. and to me it didn’t feel like a small, insignificant thing. it felt like a huge weight on my shoulder, drowning me completely. it also impacted my relationship with my boyfriend. he noticed that i haven’t been texting him as much as i usually do (not that im crazy, i just like to know how his day is going) and when we were conversing I was barely responding and being quite distant. and i hate it that that’s a thing i do; isolating myself to deal with my problems. i’m better now. i talk to him as much as i used to do, if not slightly less because i have nothing to do at the moment and there’s no point texting him for a cuddle because i’m not anywhere near each other for that instant gratification.

there have been many a night this summer where i have depersonalised (link here for those who want to know more) because of these issues, and its so hard to pull myself out of that floaty feeling. I’m better at it now than I used to be, but it’s still so hard. 

i’ve had so many things i need to do in preparation for third year of uni but these episodes of depersonalisation have really stood in the way of actually doing that. i’ve got photos of a mutual that i need to retouch and send back to her but i can’t pick up the energy to sit at my laptop and do that work because i feel disconnected to part of my body. 

and knowing she’ll read this, she’ll say just send them over to me un-edited; but the nit-picky, perfectionist part of my brain refuses to let me do that. i can’t send them to you because these aren’t perfect. they aren’t right. i can’t send them because this stray hair is out of place or this photo isn’t quite correctly exposed and sure, it seems trivial but it isn’t to me. 

i went to a convention this past weekend; asylum steampunk in lincoln. i was helping my mum sell her books, occasionally assisting a photographer and his team, and running around taking photos. it was an odd convention; i felt as though i’d both done a lot and nothing at the same time. usually i feel so tired after a multiple day convention that i need a four day nap to catch up. but i was actually okay. 

i learned a lot about myself at that convention. firstly, i oddly like talking to people and selling books. sure it’s hella tiring for just sitting behind a stall and occasionally selling a product. but chatting to people was actually really nice. my family tend to stick to ourselves. for welsh people (y’know that stereotype that welsh people never shut up) we don’t tend to socialise much, and networking is not our strongest asset. 

the other thing i, well i guess i re-learned; photographing people at conventions for fun is actually fun. For the past three or four conventions i’ve been to - comic, gaming and steampunk - i’ve always been thinking about how i can use the photos as a series for university. but this time; i wasn’t thinking about that. i wasn’t caring if the background was any good, or if the lighting was perfect. i was just taking the photos. and it was so relaxing and fun. it wasn’t work.

for three of the four days we were at that convention, i got into the spirit and i dressed up for it. One of the outfits, that was sort of like a steampunk-y mechanic was a wide-full leg jumpsuit that my mum and i made together a few weeks before. i tracked half of my journey of that on twitter, (the bits i did, the cutting the fabric etc - my mum actually sewed the whole thing together- though i did give her a shoutout on twitter for all her hardwork). I actually really enjoyed wearing that outfit (mostly because the pockets were s o b i g), for the other two days i went slightly more piratey, wearing striped brown and black l=pants and a flowey striped white shirt one day and a light lace skirt and off the shoulder top on the other. that skirt, i don’t know why i don’t wear it more often (aside from the fact it doesn’t fit any outfits i have and i’ll look like an idiot wearing it anywhere other than a convention) because i think i look so good in it (baring in mind the lack of body positivity i have, this is a big deal).

the other thing that i’ve been doing this summer is i’ve been getting into make-up and even fashion i guess, trying to learn how to do that stuff (man it’s hard, why didn’t i start earlier). make-ups not so much of a problem in what i’m about to talk about, but watching fashion videos on youtube is rather annoying when you’re an average to slightly above average weight. I’ve not found (until today, the videos i’m watching right now as i write this) any youtubers that are fashion related that are anywhere near the shape/weight that i am. They’re either super skinny waifs who can fit into anything they want (and like that one i saw, saying that a size fourteen is a great size for oversized clothing - bitch please, stop) or plus size and self confident with those curves in the right places and much bigger than i can relate to. not that there’s a problem with either, there’s just not as much representation for the ‘average’ person. there probably is and i just haven’t found it (currently watching lucy wood) and i need to look better into it. i can guarantee that is definitely the case. but still i’d love youtube to recommend those youtubers to me please.

something that i did realise from the steampunk weekend was that i was so busy ‘working’ if you can call it that, that i forgot to eat the crap that i usually eat during the day, and i guess i forgot to drink water (which is not a good thing, drink water kids). but the main thing is not eating crap all day, paired with the amount of walking i did that weekend (almost 30,000 steps over four days) has actually made me lose half a stone since the last time i weighed myself at the end of july. (so i’m very pleased about this) 

so sure, while third year is going to be so, so stressful, i’m making steps towards feeling better about myself and making sure i do 5-10 thousand steps a day and not eat as much crap as i usually do, but most importantly; learning to love myself and my body. 

oh my god this post is so long. i’m so sorry anyone who reads all this. 

tl,dr: the month of august has been depressing, body issues galore and i’m probably being ridiculous but i’m trying to get better.

[areasontosmileblog-blog]

Growing Up In Today's Society Is More Difficult Than Growing Up Back Then

Our parents just don't fully get it. We were your age once, you know, is a common statement that teenagers and young adults hear from their parents -- and sometimes on a daily basis (more often than not). This statement is very true, obviously, because everyone did grow up; I mean, thats just simple anatomy. However, this statement also irks me, and heres why: As much as adults may disagree and naturally argue this point, I strongly believe that growing up in todays world is much more challenging than it was for past generations. Social pressures are more powerful, competition is much greater, technology is skyrocketing and everything said or done can be made public in the span of 5 seconds. Violence and danger are also more prevalent, and it seems as if numbers define a child more so than their actual abilities. Young adults, teenagers, even children, are being faced with greater struggles than any of our parents ever went through. Social pressures these days are everywhere, and children at younger ages are being exposed to them. Everyone is growing up so much quicker, and childrens innocence is being swiped away at a much younger age than necessary. The topic of discussion at a middle school table is all about drugs, alcohol, and sex. Since when has that become OK? The pressure follows teens everywhere they go, from social gatherings to behind closed doors on the internet. Unfortunately, we have social media to thank for that one. Sure, our parents were also worried about fitting in and doing the cool thing, but the peer pressure they faced was not even close to the immense pressure teenagers feel today. Instead of running around outside and playing manhunt, young teens are in someones basement drinking alcohol. Middle schoolers are vaping instead of riding somewhere and getting ice cream. Going on a movie date for the first time creates the question of, Is he going to kiss me the whole time? instead of, Should I ask for popcorn? Kids are growing up too fast, and in todays society, being rebellious and doing bad things are becoming the new norm. Kids get tormented for going against the gradient, so they roll with the flow. Social media has also caused chaos -- a whole new element of drama that adults didnt have to grow up dealing with. Everything one says or does is immediately posted, or saved onto someones camera roll, and usually never gets deleted. Adults can whine to us about how everything is "the same as it was in the past," and how it just has to do with perspective. But that is in fact not true. Social media itself is causing greater social pressures and greater risks. With social media, nothing is private. Growing up today means you grow up in a spotlight, and that comes with great responsibility. You have to constantly be aware of what you are doing, what you are saying, and who you are associating with. Because if you mess up or are with the wrong crowd, even for 10 minutes, that may backfire quicker than you can say the word backfire. Similarly, social media goes hand in hand with giving todays teens false images of perfection and what is expected vs. what is weird. Todays society is obsessed with what makes someone fat or ugly. Models wearing a size 4 are considered overweight, and celebrities walking down the street without makeup on are attacked by being called sickly. Social medias role in this is to make sure these stories and images get shown everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Todays world is so focused on appearance that many young people growing up are brainwashed and manipulated into thinking that they are not pretty enough, not desirable and not wanted. This then leads to more cases of depression, and higher suicide rates. I am not stating that this did not occur back then because I know it did. Depression and the natural instinct to not like yourself (or things about yourself) is inevitable. However, in todays society and with social media crawling at you in every direction, the urgency to be perfect is a much bigger problem now than it was before. There is such an unachievable standard that this society has created for my generation, and all teens seem to fall into its depths to at least some extent. Switching topics, the competition is also greater. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be, especially the entire process for applying to colleges. You cannot get into your dream school without having a 4.0 GPA, being a varsity athlete for four years, being the president in three clubs, doing 100 hours of community service and having two jobs. Being involved is great, yes, but I do not think that the requirements to get into certain schools should be the way they are. I understand there is a high demand and requirements need to be put into place, but I think this should be done in a more efficient way. High schoolers are constantly thinking about ways to fill up their resume and what they can do to make themselves better than the person sitting next to them. The. Pressure. Never. Ends. Got a C on a test? Thats unheard of. Try again. Only have a 3.4 GPA? Sorry, you must get all As next semester to even stand a chance. The academic pressure is exceeding what it has ever been before, and it takes a toll on students' happiness and freedom to just be a teen and enjoy life! Even after college, it never ends. The competition to get into grad school, or to land that big internship, is so great that it begins to be the only thing on a young adults brain. Our generation needs to learn to relax, breathe, and have some hope that everything will fall into place. Numbers have slowly taken over. Whether it be a simple test grade, a GPA, an ACT score or something as silly as how many followers you have on Instagram and how many comments you get on a post. Your abilities are defined by your ACT scores, because you are only as smart as your test score shows (obviously not true, but thats how it feels). Your popularity is defined by how many likes you get on a picture, and if you get a lot, youre obviously better than Sally who only got 5 (again, NOT true). But you see, we are surrounded by these numbers, and the pressure we face stems from those. It has turned into a life or death situation, and that is not healthy. This is also where social media comes in, again. You know every achievement and every award that someone has ever been granted. People growing up today are so focused on being better than the person beside them, and bragging to all their peers about how successful and amazing they are. Life for todays teens is one giant competition, and it seems to be never ending. Danger and violence are also spiraling out of control, and the political stuff around us. Yes, politics have always been a thing, and so has violence, but it is baffling how much of an effect those are having today. It seems we are moving backward, not forward. Teens have to fear going to the movie theater these days or walking home from the pool at night. You have to get patted down to enter a food festival, and you cant wear long necklaces at schools because they are considered weapons. What is happening here? Every night on the news you hear about a new shooting, or a new person getting arrested on your street; it is truly never ending, and it certainly does not seem to be getting any better. The point Im trying to make is that sometimes adults really dont fully get it. I know they understand similar aspects and have empathy for certain scenarios that we go through, but they will never actually understand what it feels like to grow up now. It really is so different, whether they want to believe it or not. Everyone encounters struggles and challenges, but today it is especially difficult because there is always someone else to please, someone else to compete with and another higher expectation to be met. Nothing nowadays is simple, or easy. Life is not easy, and I get that, but todays youth is growing up with issues and pressures that are greater than theyve ever been. We are constantly having to watch our back, be aware of who is watching us and potentially recording us, wear the best outfit to the concert and get the very best grades to stand a chance in todays competitive world. Numbers are becoming more important than skills, and teenagers are constantly striving for an unachievable goal of perfection. Sometimes I wish I could rewind time and grow up in the time my parents did, or at least wish that the adults in our lives would somehow understand the great pressure and challenges we are all being consumed by. Xoxo Sarah