#this one was way more annoying to cut together but also much funnier so. worth it

[jourke-rourke]

they're doing their best

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Real Life Tasks With Ransom Drysdale

An Advent Calendar of 24 Normal Human Tasks As Performed By A Huge Man Baby. 

Day 2: That’s Not Exactly Folgers In Your Cup

Warnings: Smut (Oral) and Bad Language Words

Pairing: Ransom Drysdale x Reader

A/N- Hello! I hope y’all are as excited about this holiday special collaboration made with @what-is-your-plan-today​ and @jennmurawski13​ as I am. It all blossomed from early morning (for me) ramblings and we decided to do it. 2020 has been a hell of a year and we all needed a little something to smile about. And come on, whats funnier then imagining Ransom Drysdale trying to be domestic? Plus it gives some feels. There will be smut written in occasionally, so please heed the warnings to each individual fic. 

Also, we are alternating, but will reblog on our accounts, if you don’t want to miss any, send a message and we will get you added to the tag list. Happy Reading. 

Series Masterlist

Ransom woke before you, the early morning light streaming through the window cut right across his face and he swore into the pillow while rolling to his back to sling his arm over his eyes to cut off the annoyance. He was almost there, back in that blissful state of unconsciousness when his body took over and insisted he get up. Any further attempt to return to sleep was now disrupted when natural morning urges overtook him and he sighed while lifting his arm to let the light return, blinking rapidly to adjust to the the most inconvenient thing to plague him at this hour. 

Next to him you were still asleep, soundly, peacefully which made him scowl at you for being so blissfully unconscious. He envied you in this moment as he rolled up from bed and trudged into the bathroom to take care of himself. Afterwards once he came back out, he grabbed a pair of grey sweatpants and slipped them on. You would be waking up soon, and there was one thing you always wanted before anything else, even before you were pregnant, it was a must have or else. Now you valued this all that much more since his child seemed to just suck all the energy from you, savored it more then he savored his biscoff cookies. 

Your coffee. And hell be damned if you didn't get your coffee. 

Now typically you make it, liking a certain amount of scoops to get you through the morning, touch of cream and a little sprinkle of sugar just to take the bite out of it. Ransom has seen you make it countless times in the morning, your over sized tee hanging around your thighs and hair piled atop your head. Your eyes would be closed while you measured, you just knew it down to the action how you wanted it. He never tried to mess with your perfection. In fact he learned early on to stay out of your way the first twenty minutes in the morning unless he was taking care of you between the sheets. That was the only equivalent you were accepting of in the morning. 

This morning Ransom felt a twinge of affection now that he was awake, seeing you shift into the middle of the bed and pull his pillow into your chest like you were hugging it. Gently he leaned over and brushed the flyaway hair from your forehead and pressed a kiss there before leaving the bedroom to head downstairs. 

Typically you just made Ransom a coffee too, it became almost a habit for him to want it, although he didn't need it, not like you did. But yea, he craved it and decided that this morning, since he was already up, he would just do it himself. Regardless of the fact that you had forbidden him to touch the coffee maker for some reason. Which fuck it was in his kitchen, if he wanted to use it he was going to. 

“Can't be that hard, dump some grounds in, put in the fucking water.” He flipped off the top of the coffee maker to see if you pre-filled it the night before, sometimes you did. Last night was not the case though. Reached into the cupboard for the precious Starbucks coffee and opened the bag to breathe in the strong coffee bean aroma. Okay, he had to admit it was a pleasant smell, and already he could feel himself feel a bit more upbeat. He ended up setting it aside and searched everywhere for the measuring spoon, leaving a slight kitchen destruction in his path of open drawers and stuff piled on top of the kitchen counter, he just eyeballed dumping the coffee in. Completely forgetting the filter in the process. 

Impatiently he waited, fingers tapping on the counter as the drip drip drip started. “It would be faster just to have someone deliver.” He muttered to himself, contemplating how much you would protest possibly hiring a housekeeper. Fran was decent… enough. He thought to himself. Aside from her being the most annoying woman his grandfather had hired. Of course she could be useful when the occasion called for it. Like now, how fucking easy would it be if someone was just delivering you two the coffee in bed.  

Already he knew you probably weren't going to go for it, it was fine for Harlan according to you because he needed the help. In fact when he brought it up, your eyes rolled and you scoffed at him. “You are kidding right Ransom? You are a grown ass man, do it yourself.” 

 When the coffee maker finally gave the last spurt, and sounded exhausted, Ransom shook his head from the memory and turned to pull down two mugs and proceeded to pour into each. It was black, blacker than usual. He sniffed it, and needless to say it was STRONG. 

Ransom just kept going, grabbing your half and half, as well as the small bit of sugar you like, he stirred it all together and brought it back up the stairs. 

You were just waking up when he reentered the bedroom. Your arms lifting up to hit lightly against the headboard and your wiggling fingers while giving a yawn, you inhaled the strong scent of coffee and immediately pushed to sit. 

��What is that? Is that what I think it is?” Your eyes widened as Ransom set the mug down on your nightstand with a roll of his eyes. 

“Well good morning to you to Princess.” he stated as you grinned at him, reaching over for the mug while he sat on the end of the bed. You didn't dare take a sniff as if to check, not with the way Ransom was watching you intently and you just took a sip. 

It hit your mouth with a ferocity that brought tears to brim to your eyes, and your taste buds screamed in protest at the gritty black death you were forcing yourself to swallow, doing everything you could to keep from spitting it out. You were just thankful that this morning you were dealing with morning sickness, yet. Somehow you forced the bitter liquid down your throat and tried to keep a straight face, as you were touched with Ransom’s act of kindness, something he was still working on. But there was no hiding your expression, as hard as you tried to keep it from Ransom.

His head dropped when he saw your face. “Fucking terrible isn’t it? See this is why you should let me hire a housekeeper.” 

“Ransom, it tastes just fine. And we don’t need a housekeeper. This house isn't all that big.” You rolled your eyes as you showed him you were right by taking another sip of his coffee, forcing a smile on your face. 

“I always had a housekeeper, and I turned out fine.” Ransom rebutted while moving to a stand. “Put that cup down. You can make some later.” He instructed and you were quick to set it aside, relieved not to have to pretend anymore. Ransom yanked the blankets away, making you tumble a bit in bed with a yelp. 

“Ransom! What are you doing?” You looked down at him as he grasped your ankles, sliding you down the bed while he moved to kneel at the end of the bed, smirking at you. 

“Cant make coffee worth shit. But I can do this, and I know you like this just as much.” 

He was right, the man had a mouth on him that you had a hard time resisting, even when he was pissing you off. 

Fingers delved under the band of your sleep shorts and slipped them off before draping your legs over his shoulders and pressing hungry kisses along the inside of your thigh. “Okay, you have me there, maybe I do. I'm a little scared to see what you did down in the kitchen now.” 

“Nothing that can't be cleaned up.” He looked up at you, and you opened your mouth to say something about how you were going to have to clean it when he let his mouth press against your cunt and his tongue bury between the folds. 

That effectively distracted you, making your words stutter from the tip of your tongue into a moan while he lapped at you, shifting between quick flicks to flattening his tongue and dragging through your folds to suck at that bundle of nerves that made you gasp his name in a needy way. Your hands shoot down to twist into his hair, holding onto his scalp while he takes you apart with his mouth. Toes curled into his upper back when he teased you further, your hips starting to rock to meet the darts of his tongue in your clenching channel. You let yourself fall back into the pillows and quit trying to reason with him or make him feel better. You just let yourself experience this new attempt at treating you.

“Please Ransom, I want to come now.” You whined out while his fingers flexed on your hips, keeping you mostly pinned in place although your body was rippling to arch and grind into him. Your heels firmly pressing into his back in an attempt to lever yourself although he was firm in his hold. Unwilling to let you move just yet. Ransom sucked folds of flesh into his mouth, the lower part of his face slick when he lifted to smirk at you, and shifted a heavy forearm across your hips, careful not to press against your stomach. 

“How badly do you want to come, Princess?” He licked at his lips, brighter pink with use then normal and you glared at him down your body. 

“Considering I am growing you spawn in me, you think you would treat me better.” Trying your hand at using guilt to get him into giving you your orgasm, he let his fingers stretch your open, pressing into your warmth. 

“You know I love you, and only treat you fucking good.” His fingers curled to stroke your fluttering walls, enticing you to come for him with every stroke against your sweet spot. “Come on Beautiful, come undone for me so we can start our day.” 

You pressed to arch but he was sure to keep you held down. You started to see stars peppering your eyesight and your mouth dropped open in a silent gasp as you came for him, that rush enveloped you to send tingles all along your nerves, and your voice finally broke out in a soft cry of his name while your toes dug into his flexing back, and fingers twisted in the sheets in a weak attempt to stay grounded. 

It didn't stop him, he kept lapping at your sensitive bud, sucking and driving you to another with steady strokes of his finger. “That was just one... you know we are not stopping Princess until you have had a couple more.”  

Ransom couldn't make coffee to save his life, but he certainly knew how to make you come more than just the one time.

[cottoncandyjester]

What if another person tried to kidnap the yanderes darlings👀

All their reactions will of course be to get you back so I only did the ones that would have the strongest reactions

Also im gonna start pairing hikaru with a y/n who doesn't give a shit about his degrading..cause it's wayyy funnier

Warning this contains: death, talk of torture, cannibalism, yandere behavior, kidnapping

Theodore

Definitely wasn't expecting it

Theo is normally prepared but he doesnt have any idea what to do

He of course has to find out who would touch you and how to get rid of them

He is usually so calm and collected but when he gets you back he is merciless with your captor, cold and unnerving downright sadistic

He wants them to suffer for worrying him and stealing his little wife/husband

"so this is where you've been hiding" Theo spoke softly to you with a smile as he gazed at your restraints before setting you free and kissing your wrists which were lightly bruised from the restraints but he heard footsteps his eyes growing cold.

"angel, close your eyes and cover your ears okay? Don't stop til I say..please" he spoke softly before turning his back to you before walking away. Soon screams of pure agony filled the air a constant screaming before utter silence, Theo soon returning to you covered in blood now wiping his glasses clean with a gentle humming

"how about we go home and take a shower, okay angel?"

Axis

He gets his brother to help

He is unstable without you

Like he can't think straight and all his senses seem to not work properly he is utterly hopeless

The person who took you will feel his wrath

Axis always shows his his cute side but when he gets you he gets dark as hell

Aka he lets salem devour them

"sweetie! Oh thank goodness I found you!" Axis chirped out pressing a kiss against your lips before he set you free from the cage you were in. "Let's go home okay? I missed you so much!" He huffs out.

"you can't take them" axis shuddered at the voice of your captor and something feral come out of him, they took you..took you away and did god knows what. With a whistle it seems he got salem's attention who was sitting outside the room. Axis turned to you smiling sweetly while salem pounced the sounds of screaming and bones cracking filling the room as axis helped you out the cage and covered your eyes from behind guiding you out the room.

"don't mind the noise okay? I know it's loud." He whispers in your ear before pressing a kiss on the back of your neck.

Yuki

It's cute that people think they can take you from him

Is very prepared

It takes three hours before he's coming to you to get you

He doesn't seem angry but he is

He's downright cold just cruel

You sobbed softly as your captor tortured you using a knife to cover your body with small but deep cuts, you soon heard a faint sound and looked to the window seeing Yuki open it softly when the two of you locked eyes he pressed a finger to his lips signalling silence.

You tried your best to avoid staring at him as he hopped down from the window into the room the soft sounds of his footsteps alerting your captor who turned around.

"whose the-"

Yuki shoved a gun barrel into the stranger's mouth his eyes cold and dull as he locked eyes with them. "Die." Yuki whispers out shooting the pistol watching them drop before he aimed at them firing again..and again..and again. He didn't stop until the gun clicked so he checked the ammo and was about to even put a new magazine in bloodlust swirling in his eyes.

"y-yuki!" You snapped out your body shaking at the sight of the clearly dead body filled with holes. Yuki glanced down and tilted his head to the side giving a sleepy little oh before putting the gun away and untying you noticing your cuts and shoved his sweater onto you before scooping you into his arms.

"I'm teaching you how to fight."

His mumbled out as he took you home.

Rin

Sweetheart he is the leader of a whole gang of clown thugs

It takes him like thirty minutes to find you and the entire time he's smiling

Like "oh well what are you gonna do I guess haha time to get my y/n lol"

In actuality he's PISSED

When he gets you he doesn't show it though

He actually encourages the captor for a little bit before utterly slaughtering them.

"one step closer and I'll kill them!" You whimpered as you were held at knife point staring at rin with fear in your eyes but rin... simply pulls up a chair and plopped a seat his smile never leaving his face. "Go ahead" he stated out now gazing at his purple painted nails.

"boss, are you sure?" One of his goons asked out and rin chuckled before getting up. "They won't do it, that's the funny part. They are just a dumb coward too scared to do it" he explained skipping over to you watching how your captor shook in nervousness pressing the blade closer to your neck blood starting to spill.

"do it motherfucker, I'm fucking waiting" rin whispers out leaning in close his eyes widening almost looking like they were glowing. "Y-you're a monster" your captor cried now shoving you but rin wasn't done tormenting them. "I'll give you two choices, slit your throat...or suffer as my gang force you down and touch you in ways that makes you wish you were dead, over and over til you're a broken bitch, I mean either way they are gonna violate you but wouldn't it be better for them to do it when you're dead and you can't feel their groping hands?" Rin cheers out

Your captor backed up til their back hit a wall as rin hummed sweetly walking closer and closer to them before grabbing them by the shirt yanking them close.

" stop being a fucking pussy and choose or I'll be the one doing the violatinf and trust me you don't want that" rin whispers darkly in their ear before shoving them down and turning to you and his group.

"have fun boys try not to make too much a mess, I'm going home!" he cheers out now walking towards you and holding his hand out towards you with a grin helping you up. "Aweee are you crying?! You're so cute! Cutie cutie cutie!" He cooed now squishing your cheeks together completely ignoring the violence happening behind him.

"let's go home and eat dino nuggets!" He said happily before glancing behind him with an annoyed hiss "fucking coward slit his throat..." He mumbled under his breath but shook it off now taking your hand and skipping with a happy him guiding you away.

Hikaru

He doesn't realize you're gone at first

It takes him a day

He thought you were being a brat and hiding again so he decided to be pretty and ignore you..but he missed you and realizes you're kidnapped

He is pissed at you for being a dumbass and getting taken but also pissed at himself for letting it happen

When he goes there he doesn't even save you at first first he has to bitch about it

You two legit argue while you're tied up

Your captor is like "should i go orrrr..."

Of course they meet death but he has to complain first

Hikaru huffs as he stomped into the warehouse without a single care in the world his eyes glaring at you as you looked at him with relief finally he came for you

"hika-"

"bitch do you know how much of a waste of time this is? Like damn y/n you love wasting my time and money so much you get snatched up" you felt all your relief get replaced with annoyance as your eyes drooped into a glare.

"oh yes hikaru cause I got kidnapped on purpose. If I wanted to waste your money I would steal your credit card" you hissed back and hikaru scoffs lightly.

"well I'm here, what's all the fuss about?"

"I'm fucking kidnapped hikaru! How about you stop being a dick and help they could kill or even violate me!"

Hikaru gave you a sassy expression clearly already fed up with you at this point. "Sweetie, they won't violate you. Gotta be worth violating for that" he sneers out

Your captor gazed at the two of you nervously as to two shouted at each other for the next ten minutes. "Excuse m-" hikaru took out a gun and shot them in the knee as quickly as they spoke before getting back to his argument.

"...all I'm saying is a thank you daddy would be nice! Like I came all the way over here I had a hair appointment but nooo I had to save you. You're so damn selfish"

"oh my fucking god...thank you daddy for coming to save me even though you're my damn BOYFRIEND! I'll get someone else to save me next time" you snapped out and hikaru pouted "your sass is not needed" he grumbled out before untying you.

Your captor who was in very much pain tried to speak and hikaru gave them a disgusted expression, was this plebian speaking to him? "Shut the hell up, it's your fault too you could have taken anyone but no you had to take my pet" he snapped shooting them in the head before grabbing you by your arm dragging you out while grumbling under his breath.

"I better get my dick sucked" he hissed out now shooting you an annoyed look.

Rocket

He is so worried

Like so worried

He's a himbo so it takes him a bit to realize that you aren't at the store getting him more hamburger steaks

One he figured it out he quickly went to find you

He was such a mess

Once he found you he was crying and hugging you so tight

Snapped your captor's neck

Uses his strength in scary ways.

"y/n! Oh darling! Are you okay sunshine? Are ya hurt?" Rocket squeaked out as he started to untie you his breathing shaky and tears in his eyes. Rocket heard footsteps come closer, in a panic he was shoving you in a closet to hide before meeting the eyes of your captor.

Wasn't long til he was breaking every bone in their body,starting with their arm snapping it like a twig before moving to their leg then to neck making it more and more painful. "I usually hate violence, but my sweetheart..is my everything" he whispers out before turning to you with a gentle smile

"darling, let's go home"

[ponds-puddle]

Challenge ~{Bakugo}~

“I have to ask,” you said with a sigh, not sure if you wanted to know the answer, “Why do you compliment all the other girls and not me?"

Throughout your time at UA, you had gotten really close with Denki. The two of you were like brother and sister from day one. So you understood why he wouldn’t talk about you, but it was the fact Mineta had never bothered you that confused you. Of course you’re very glad Mineta doesn’t bother you, but it kinda hit your self-esteem. If the most desperate person in the world wasn’t interested in you, who would be?

Mineta visibly gulped, looking up at Denki for help. When you looked over to Denki, you see him rubbing his face in frustration. For a moment he sits there with his eyes closed, but then he looks up at you with a strained smile, "Look, we would tell you but-”

Mineta cut him off, “-we really can’t. It’s nothing personal, really. I would love to gush about how sc-”

Denki placed a finger on Mineta’s neck, a small shock of electricity zapping the perverted boy. You watched with an amused smile as he fell over from the attack. Before he could get up and cause a scene with Denki, Denki began to speak to you, “We promise it’s nothing against you, we just don’t want to piss a certain someone off.” He gave you a quick wink before standing up from the arm of the chair.

“Who would you piss off?” you asked with a confused expression.

“Telling you would also piss off that person, so I guess you’ll have to figure out on your own,” he smiled at you, ruffling your hair a little. Mineta finally stood up from the ground, muttering angry words at your best friend. He didn’t seem to bothered by him, instead walking down the halls of the dorms towards his room. Mineta angrily followed him, yelling at him the entire way.

“What was that all about?” Mina asked you as she plopped herself across your lap. You laughed at the girl, looking down at her as she stretched out her back and placed her arms behind her head. She looked at you expectantly, waiting for an answer.

“I asked Mineta and Denki why they don’t talk about me like they do the others,” you explained to her. She nodded, telling you to continue, “And they said that someone scared them into not messing with me."

Mina nodded, her brows furrowing in concentration, "It’s probably Bakugo."

You burst out laughing, small tears forming in your eyes. The mere thought of Bakugo looking out for you? Not possible. You would believe that Todoroki liked you more than you would believe Bakugo does. But when you looked down at Mina, you saw no hints of humor in her expression.

"Wait,” you snorted, trying to calm yourself down. But it just kept getting funnier, “You actually think that Bakugo has a crush on me? Bakugo? Angry Pomeranian Bakugo? You think that he likes me?”

“Yeah probably,” Mina said with a steady tone. You looked at her in disbelief.

“Mina,” you said in a level tone, “you seriously think that the boy who calls us all ‘side characters’ has a crush on me? I mean, every single conversation we have ends in an argument. Why in the world do you think that he likes me?"

Mina shrugged, looking away from you and onto the ceiling, "He smiles with you.”

A twinge set off in your chest at her words. He smiles with you. The feeling was a little unsettling. It made you feel restless, made your brain think just a little faster than you could comprehend. But Mina was right. He does smile with you a lot. Part of the reason you pick fights with him in the first place.

“He smiles with Kirishima too,” you argued uselessly, causing Mina to laugh at you.

“That’s true,” she giggles, “I guess I was just reading into things.”

If you were honest with yourself. you were slightly worried that she would be wrong.

“Yeah…” you said in a slightly deflated tone, “maybe."

"What if it’s Sero? I could see the two of you together,” Mina comments, pointing at Sero with her foot, “Seems more your type."

You laughed at her, "Oh really? What is my type exactly?"

"Affectionate ones, I’d assume. Someone you get along with, who doesn’t question you."

"Doesn’t question me?"

"Yeah, like someone who would just immediately take your side on things. Someone who trusts you and your opinion completely. That’s why you and Bakugo would never work out. He’d challenge you too much. Be hopeful it isn’t him. Don’t know how you’d approach that mess."

You scoffed, "Yeah. Just the thought of Bakugo liking me is weird. I can’t believe I thought about it for a moment there."

The two of you laughed for a second, but unlike Mina’s, your laughter was fake. You didn’t want someone who followed you blindly. You want challenging. You want someone who is a partner. Not a follower. But how could you tell her that?

You heard someone clearing their throat behind you, causing you to turn to them. When you realized who it was, your entire body went cold. It was Bakugo. He stood there with a completely blank expression, but you knew it was fake. You saw past the mask, you saw the pain your words caused. And it broke your heart.

"I-” you started in attempt to explain, but Bakugo just looked away from you and turned around. For a moment you just watched him walk away. You didn’t know what to do. But you could tell that you didn’t have much time to think about it. So you pushed Mina from your lap and took off running after the boy. Bakugo walked faster, getting into the elevator and rapidly pressing the button for his floor. You almost didn’t make it, but at the last second you managed to get into the elevator right before it closed completely.

“Let me explain,” you begged him, but he just stepped away from you, unable to look into your eyes.

“Bakugo,” you plead with the boy, a strain in your voice. Any second now the elevator would make it to his floor and he would be able to get away. If he got away, you’d never get to explain. You would never fix this. So instead, you stopped the elevator.

“Hey!” Bakugo yelled, reaching for the button. You stood in front of it, blocking him from hitting the button.

“Listen to me,” you cried out, “Please just hear me out! I swear if you just listen to me and let me explain everything, I will let you go. Bakugo, just please give me a chance, okay?"

Bakugo stared you down for a moment, his guards slowly building themselves back up. Finally he just stepped away from you and nodded.

"Fine,” he gave in, “I’m actually interested in what you wanna say."

He spoke in such a sour tone, causing your heart to race. You gulped, trying to figure out how you wanted to say this.

"Mina, she was wrong,” you said slowly, “You probably heard her saying that we, l-like me and you, wouldn’t work out because you were too challenging. But she was wrong. I really like it when I’m challenged. I like it when someone checks for flaws in my plans, someone who doesn’t just follow me, but one that helps me suceed further by questioning me. Someone who makes me think, someone who really tests my morals."

"Yeah and? Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I lied earlier. I-It’s not weird to think that you like me. It’s actually something I think about a lot. A lot more than I should honestly. You annoy me. So much. But you just-” you stopped speaking whenever you saw that Bakugo wasn’t even looking at you. He just stood there, leaned back onto the wall of the elevator. His hands were tucked away in his pockets and his eyes were to the ground. It was like he wasn’t even listening anymore. You sighed, realizing that there was no fixing this. He wasn’t interested. You were just a little too late.

“Just what?” Bakugo asked quietly, still unable to look up at you.

You sighed, turning towards the elevator buttons, “You make me smile."

The moment your hand reached forward to start the elevator, Bakugo’s hand gripped onto your wrist, spinning you around to face him. He quickly backed you up to the elevator doors, his lips staying centimeters away from yours. One hand rested on the door of the elevator while the other firmly gripped your waist, keeping you held to him. Your hands were rested against his chest, greedily holding onto his shirt.

There were no words said between the two of you, but that was perfectly fine. You didn’t need to hear his voice to understand what he was wanting to tell you, the look in his eyes was enough. The way his eyes looked so deeply into yours, as if he had never seen a shade more beautiful than the ones he was seeing then. The way his eyes would slowly fall, how life began to play in pink when his gaze fell upon your lips. Words had no worth in this moment.

You leaned forward slightly, your eyes never once straying from Bakugo’s. He hesitated a moment, looking down towards your lips and pulling away slightly. But when he looked back up into your eyes, every guard broke down for a milisecond. But it was enough time for you. You saw it. You got to see Bakugo. The real one. The one who is a little vulnerable. The one who wants to be loved. The one who wants to be told that he’s good enough. The broken boy that he spends his entire life hiding.

“Hey,” you whispered to him, lifting your hand up to cradle the side of his face, “You’ll feel safe again one day.” “I do right now,” he muttered, finally pressing his lips to yours. Your breath caught in your throat and your entire body sets on fire. Bakugo’s grip tightened around you, removing his hand from the wall and pressing you completely against it. His spare hand held your face gently, When the kiss finally came apart, Bakugo continued holding you, a small smile on his face.

“We really should get out of the elevator,” you whispered with a chuckle. Bakugo just rolled his eyes and slightly pulled away from you, keeping his grip on your waist. He leaned over and pressed the button, letting the elevator continue to his floor.

When the doors open, you go to step forward. However Bakugo holds you back, wrapping his arms around your waist from behind you, nuzzling his face into your neck. “Are we not getting off?”

Bakugo shook his head, “Nope, we’re going downstairs to show Pinky that she was wrong.”

[writefinch]

Family-Owned Small Business

(CN: incest, sex work, mentions of sexual assault & suicidal ideation)

The worst part of my job is administration. Last-minute rescheduling when a client flakes on us. Chasing up payments. Booking accommodation at short notice. Answering messages! Jesus, every time in the last year when I've slumped, sighed, and thought to myself "fuck working, I need a break from all this" it's been when I've opened my messages and seen thirty different texts that need a reply. Some people are fine with it I guess, but for me it's boring, time consuming, and stressful.

Big deal though, right, I mean nobody loves doing admin, why even bring it up? Well, if I tell someone that for work last night I ate a client's cum out of my mom's pussy, I'd expect that they'd get fixated on the sex work and the incest. I'd expect them to freak out and not pay attention to the specifics of what I'm saying. So, first, I'd like that person to know that the thing I hate about my job is probably the same thing that *they* hate about *their* job. I would rather lick my mom's asshole for five minutes than answer emails for five minutes, and I answer a lot of emails.

Do we have to worry about violence, danger, cops, and legal trouble? Yeah, we do. Am I scared of these things? Yeah, sometimes, but I had to worry about all of those things before I started doing sex work. At least now we've got the money to buy our way out of the worst of it.

I'm not saying that what I do with mom is an objectively healthy relationship, let alone a perfect one. If you took me back in time and told me I could pick a completely different life for me and my mom, I'm sure there's a bunch of choices I'd pick over this one. But I never had that choice. I got hurt a lot growing up. I feel like I've finally escaped the things that hurt me, but I know that I've barely started to recover from them.

That's why I'm writing this. We've saved enough money to afford some therapy and my first session is next week. I want help with the fear, the nightmares, the mood swings and insomnia, I want to stop the rush of rage and terror that flows through me every time I see the word 'dad,' I want help untangling the stuff that came out of being told I was a pansy when I was growing up, then figuring out I'm gay, then figuring out I'm a girl, then figuring out I'm all three of those things while I was living in a place that kept trying to kill me for it. What I don't want is for the psych to pin it all on the two least harmful and least fucked-up things about my life, and worse, I don't want them to make me believe it. This journal is a prophylactic, an assessment of my job, my relationships and my life that I can refer back to if and when someone sticks their fingers in my brain and swirls them around.

I'll start with a problem statement: my dad. The memories that hurt the most are the ones where he almost appeared human, the flickers of joy, curiosity and humor that stood out from the bland cruelty that made up the rest of his personality. I'll remember him buying me ice cream or talking about a book or a movie with me, I'll doubt myself and wonder if I just went crazy and cut him out of my life for no reason, and then my brain will hook onto a random act of sadism he inflicted on me.

The physical abuse was bad all on its own, real psycho shit like driving me out into the woods and making me pick through the brush for a switch he could hit me with and a whole lot more I won't go into, but the emotional abuse was worse. When I was eleven, I forgot to feed my cat one day. He gave her away to my uncle, but told me that she'd developed malnutrition and had to be put down. I didn't find out the truth for another two years, when he just let it slip at Easter. He bragged about it, even, like he'd invented a really smart child-rearing technique. I don't want to write too much down here because I don't need to, if anything I want therapy to *stop* everything he did from running through my head. He's a punishment-obsessed sadist, a Baptist, and he works as a judge. Did he ever sexually abuse me? No. Parent of the year, right? He kicked me out for being a fag the day I turned eighteen, so it's ironic that my biggest fear is that he comes looking for me. He doesn't even know I'm a girl.

On the other hand, my mom has had an interesting life. She's kind of a fuck up. When I was one year old, mom and dad split and dad got full custody--being a judge helped with that--while mom left the state. She spent a decade trying to kick a heroin habit and a year and a half in prison for related stuff, got banned from even entering the state I lived in on account of her parole--again, dad being a judge helped with that--illegally emigrated to Canada for a while, and went to Oregon by mistake, doing a mixture of bartending, delivery driving, MDMA dealing and whoring to stay afloat.

The only reason we met again is that I was in the same city staying with friends, also whoring. I don't remember the first time I saw her, but the first time we talked was in a mutual friend's tiny studio apartment with a few other hooker friends. We ended up comparing our Pest Lists, shared a few drinks, and swapped numbers. A week later we fucked, and a month after *that* we realized that we'd Oedipus'd ourselves. It seems funnier now than it did at the time.

That was an emotional time. We cried with joy that we'd found each other, we started tip-toeing around the ideas of rebuilding our lives together, and we agreed to pretend that the sex had never happened. Of course, we got drunk together a week later and fucked again. She's hot! I have a thing for older women, I have a thing for breaking taboos, and I have a thing for being mommied in bed. Blame dad for raising me like this, I dunno.

We started doing sex work as a team after she got a dental abscess. The bill for the hospital stay and the tooth removal was insane, and the dentist straight-up told her that she'd end up with another in a different tooth within a year if she didn't get two root canals. Even when she was recovering, we could only afford fish antibiotics off of Amazon. We crunched some numbers and made some inquiries, and figured out that we could pull in two week's worth of our combined income with one night of mother-daughter stuff.

Our first joint session was with a real estate pervert I'll call Stan, a chubby balding powerlifter in his fifties who we'd both had as a client before. Mom took me over her knees and switched between spanking me and fingering me while he watched. I sucked him off while mom made out with him, made out with my mom with his cock between our lips, licked his balls as mom licked my ass, then let him fuck my ass while mom sat on my face. That was the first half hour. He came six more times before we passed out in the early hours of the morning, and I drifted off nursing his finally-limp cock in my mouth. He paid us the price of a used Volkswagen for our trouble, and I blew him one last time before we left as a thank-you.

Six months later, mom's teeth were fixed, I was on spiro, and we had just under a dozen clients for our "doubles sessions." Only a few of our appointments are ones with me and mom together, three or four a month, we mostly work alone. That's not out of a deliberate choice, it's just that we've got a strict criteria for who we'll double up on.

Trust is one thing: depending on the lawyers we can afford, what we're doing is either kinda illegal or extremely illegal. Since my dad is presumably still a judge, I don't want him to ever find out about this. He'd put us in a prison or a mental institution. We won't do a double session with a client unless we've both had individual sessions with them.

Money is the other thing. Getting your dick sucked by a hot mom while her daughter sucks your balls costs a week's wages for the average person. Hiring us for the night is more like a month's wages. Even in a city like this, there's only a few thousand people that can drop that kind of money on hookers. Then, they've got to *want* to fuck a trans girl and her mom together. Don't get me wrong, more people are into mother-daughter incest than you'd expect, but it's not a universal thing.

Clients are, on average, annoying. It's a fact of life. The thing that all clients have in common is a ton of disposable income and a fondness for fucking hookers. They're not necessarily bad people, but there’s a heavy ‘What can a banana cost, ten dollars?’ vibe to them. It’s not that they’re adrenochrome-drinkers who don’t see regular people as human, it’s more that they don’t have an intuitive awareness that other people don’t have savings accounts, health insurance, an investment property, and four figures of walking-around money at any given time. I guess I'd feel differently if I was like, a concierge or a PA, but there's a lot more pillow talk in my job.

I've had bad and dangerous clients before, there's been at least two occasions where I was pretty sure I was going to die--one where the hospital afterwards stay wiped out four months of income, not counting the month where I couldn’t work--but they were all before I met mom, when I couldn't be so careful about screening prospective clients and dropping them if they threw up red flags. I'm sure we'll get bad clients in the future, but we're in a better place to deal with them safely.

I also wanna write down what a "normal day" is like. Friday was a good example. I woke up early at 9am and cooked breakfast for mom. She was up already doing the laundry. We entertain some clients in our apartment, so we go through a lot of clothes and a lot of sheets. You can't fuck a guy on top of another guy's cum stains, that's rude. Some of the job is Housework But More. We don't really use the main bedroom or the sitting room because we treat them like bed and breakfast guest rooms. It's annoying but every time we have a session without getting an actual hotel or motel room we save like $50 minimum.

After breakfast I epilated, showered, and went for a run. Personal grooming isn't that big a deal in terms of time, I'm not saying I don't spend a lot of time on it, I do, but I'd be spending that time even if I worked in a bar or an office or something. Look: I'm hot. I might have been a weird-looking spotty nerd when I thought I was a boy, but as a girl I'm a fucking dime. I could get like, 25% uglier before it had any impact on my earnings. The only part of personal grooming that's necessary for sex work and I wouldn't do all the time anyway is power-washing my guts an hour before every session.

After lunch, mom went to see some friends and I played Magic for a few hours. At two pm, the actual work started. I picked up the work phone for the first time that day and began answering texts. An hour later I'd cancelled the 6pm appointment, blocked out all of Sunday evening, checked in with a few regulars, and provisionally moved three guys to the 'Time Wasters' list.

I spent a while sexting with a good prospect. He was a good prospect because he paid up-front for the sexting instead of treating it like a free samples platter at Costco. We scheduled a tentative appointment for next Tuesday, when his wife would be out of town on a business trip. Most of the guys I fuck have kinks, and I swear that 'cheating on your wife with a sex worker' is the most common one there is. Do I feel bad about it? At my hourly rate, absolutely not.

Mom got back at half four, so I took a break. We made tacos for lunch together and ate while watching Billions. She nudged me and told me that I need to do my injection, and, well, we have a little ritual for that. I'm scatterbrained and I'm not great with needles, but mom has been incredibly supportive with my HRT, and when I told her I was having problems taking them on time, she came up with a way to make me as comfortable as possible. As soon as the needle is ready, I laid down in her lap and she cradled my head in her arms, pressing her bare chest against my face. I took a nipple into my mouth and nursed it softly while she stroked my hair. She called me a good girl, telling me how proud she is of her daughter, how much she loves me, and asked if I was going to take my medicine like a big girl. On good days I inject myself while she pets me and coos over me, and on bad days she takes the needle and does it for me. As soon as I dropped the needle in the sharps container, mom pressed a Hitachi against my cock and took one of my nipples into her mouth, called me her big brave girl, and asked if I was gonna cum for mommy.

As usual, the answer was yes.

Late afternoon and early evening is when the messages start flowing in, especially on Fridays, when the kinds of people with hooker money have either left work early and thinking about getting laid, or are still held up at work and are desperately thinking about getting laid. This kind of messaging gets trickier, because it comes down to what I'm providing. Like, setting up a session is the kind of normal administrative stuff that's baked into the price of a session. It's also partly a sales job, so I'm naturally flirty and solicitous, and because I do sex work I talk openly about sex.

However, *sexting* is not normal administrative stuff. If I'm sending you messages for jerking-off purposes, I can charge by the hour or by the text but I will insist on charging for it. Also, it's not just sex that me and mom provide. There's a reason that 'companionship' is an old euphemism for whoring, it's because whores are good company. I'm a good listener and I don't judge, which means I'm like the fun parts of a therapist but without all the homework and self-improvement. I'm (unsurprisingly) friendly with all of my clients, and I have more than a few clients and former clients who I'd consider good friends and vice versa. I talk to a bunch of them outside of a business context, especially the ones I met outside of my job, and that's a normal part of maintaining a pool of clients for any sales job, but on the other hand... it's a demand on my time and it's a part of my services. I can and have bluntly told guys that they're wasting my time when it comes to uncompensated sexting, but the platonic stuff requires a lighter touch.

One of my regulars, Fintech Pete, sent me a message. Two messages later, he sent me $100, and we're off. Describing in gratuitous detail exactly how I'm going to suck his cock, begging him to fuck me until my clit is drooling all over the sheets, sending him feet pics, things of that nature. Pete is great for sexting because he barely jerks off while he's doing it, he saves all the messages and pictures and jerks off to them later, because he's got some biohacking routine where he only cums once a week. He said once that part of the reason he hires sex workers is that he takes each nut a lot more seriously if he's paying three digits minimum for the privilege. He does this teleconferencing report with the board of directors at his company four times a year, and every time he hires me to kneel under the desk in his home office and suck him off while he makes his presentation.

Anyway, while we were going back and forth like that, he mentioned that I'd made a joke one time about doing a joint session with my mom. I told him it wasn't a joke, and to cut a long story short, half an hour later I was asking mom if she was up for an overnight session starting at 9pm. She agreed, Pete confirmed, so we both got ready--think getting dolled up for a night out but with a more thorough enema--and drove to his place. He lived outside of town in a two-bedroom suburban home, alone with his two dogs.

As soon as we were parked in his garage I did the safety call in front of him: I rang a friend of mine, told her we were visiting a friend, told her it was at the address I sent her earlier, and told her we'd call her again tomorrow morning. Was it really necessary to do that with someone like Fintech Pete? No, but practice makes permanent. If you let these things slip when there's no danger, eventually they'll slip when there is danger.

Now, I don't want to imply that I'm in a lot of danger! There's a reason that most of the faces you'll see on the Trans Day of Remembrance are of poor black and brown women, because real danger comes when you can't turn skeevy jobs, when you can't afford to take precautions, when you have to make the choice over and over between maybe starving and maybe getting murdered. I'm white, I've got a good support network, and I've been relatively lucky in that I can do all these things to minimize my risks. I've still got to do them, though! Things like safety calls are a good habit to get into and it helps all sex workers if there's an expectation that they've all got someone looking out for them.

...I get that there is some bravado creeping into this journal. I start off saying that admin is the worst part of the job and a page later I flippantly mention that the job has put me in the hospital. On a day to day basis yeah, the admin is the bit that sucks the most, but if you offered me a deal where the admin is twice as bad but I never took that session, I’d take it in a heartbeat. This job has left me with some scars. Any time something cold touches my wrist I get a vivid flash of the first time I had my hands zip-tied behind my back in a cop car. I've had nightmares all my life, and more than a few of my nightmares are about stuff that's happened since I got into sex work.

If it seems like I’m downplaying it, it’s because the harrowing stuff is where the job has gone wrong, it’s not baked into the everyday stuff, and most importantly it has nothing to do with my mom. The work I've done with her is some of the least stressful and dangerous I've had since I started this job, and whatever wounds I have, she's not the one who caused them.

On a more positive note, a cool thing about doing sessions with my mom is that we can dress pretty conservatively and still have it come off as insanely lewd. Mom wore a black cocktail dress with an imitation pearl necklace and her hair up in a bun, I was in a white blouse under a lambswool sweater, a pleated short skirt, cheap dark tights--Pete has a thing for tearing them--and patent leather shoes. When you're going to suck a guy's world entirely off alongside your mom, the more modestly you're dressed, the more perverted it looks. Out in the suburbs it also means you get to avoid the microskirts and fishnets look which screams to the neighbors 'I've just hired a pair of hookers' or the mid-range raincoat over microskirts and fishnets look which screams 'I've just hired a pair of pricey hookers."

Pete's living room looks like the back room of a Radio Shack, computer guts everywhere, every surface turned into a makeshift workbench. It's not a suitable place for lovemaking; I don't want to have to pull shards of a soundcard out of my perineum. His bedroom is a lot neater, with a king-sized bed to sit on, a ton of pillows to lounge up against, and a TV mounted on the wall. Mom poured out some wine, a mid-range red zinfandel that we'd picked up on the way, Pete brought out some imported dark chocolate that costs like $40/kg, and I swung my legs over his lap and turned on the Food Network. I took a bite of chocolate, mom took a sip of wine, and before either of us swallowed she pulled me into a deep kiss, mixing the wine and the chocolate. It's a good combination, and Pete enjoyed the show.

The night started off with chatting. None of us were in any rush, not with an overnight session, and since Pete has been a client for each of us for a while it was a pretty relaxed atmosphere. Pete's fingers danced over my thighs, absent-mindedly plucking ladders into the fabric as we talked baseball, business, sex work, the difference between the gentrified fag bar downtown and the really gentrified fag bar downtown, programming and other nerd shit, local politics, the contestants on Cutthroat Kitchen, just normal stuff. Mom and Pete started talking about fancy cooking stuff so I started annoying them both by claiming that sardines are just fully-grown anchovies, that DOP labels are all fake, and that instant grits are better than the regular ones until mom jabbed me with a finger and told me that my mouth should be put to better use elsewhere.

You know how some people say "Cilantro tastes like soap, that's why it's good?" Same thing for how weird it feels to go down on my mom. The first time I ever jerked off, watching a 144p clip of Rocco Sifreddi fucking a girl in the ass while flushing her head down a toilet bowl, knowing that this meant I was going to go to Hell unless I begged God for forgiveness and never did it again, I came so hard I passed out. It feels good, it feels wrong that it feels so good, and it feels even better because it feels so wrong.

She was already wet when I got between her legs. I kissed her clit and started licking, her bush tickling my nose and her thighs squeezing my ears. Fabric rasped over my head as she hiked her dress up to run her hand through my hair. Everything was muffled but I could hear kissing and clinking, and I knew that mom was undoing Pete's belt and jeans to give him a Catholic-quality handjob.

I got mom worked up, bucking her hips and getting all breathy, until she asked me to get up here and give her some help. I crawled up to his groin and winked up at him. He blushed and grinned back. Pete's not a bad-looking guy. I mean, I don't care about looks in general, I guess I can look at someone and say that objectively they're ugly, and if someone is beautiful it adds something to the experience, but like... it doesn't really figure into it. Obviously most johns don't look like supermodels but they're not uniformly ugly, as I said before the thing that johns have in common is being horny guys with a lot of disposable income. Still, Pete is towards the better-looking side of that scale.

...Okay there is one thing about him that's weirdly common for my clients, I call it 'John Balding:' where a guy is losing his hair but in a slow, uneven, and kinda weird pattern, so that even when they cross into being more bald than not, they never bite the bullet and shave it all off. Pete is only like 30% of the way through that process so it doesn't look terrible yet, but he's on that track.

Anyway, back to the sex. A fun thing about double blowjobs is that you can take them a whole lot slower than solo blowjobs. Me and mom have had a lot of practice so we go at about 1/4th speed and it feels twice as good. She started off by wrapping her hand around the shaft, slowly stroking it while she softly kissed the tip, and I licked his balls, gently lapping at one, then the other, cleaning away the day's sweat and musk, carefully taking both of them into my mouth at once. Mom swallowed half his length, and I started kissing my way up his shaft as she pulled back up, my lips touching the head as hers reached the very tip. She grabbed me by my hair and pulled me into a deep French kiss with his cock in the middle, precum mixing with spit, moaning as we felt him twitch and grunt, mom's hand on his balls and my hand on his shaft. We broke the kiss and repeated it in reverse, taking his cock in my throat as mom kissed her way down to his balls. He came after five minutes of gentle little schoolgirl kisses on each side of his cock from the pair of us. The first rope caught mom on her cheek, the second hit her hair, but I wrapped my lips tight around the head and sucked him dry before he could spill another drop.

You can't give a client a mother-daughter blowjob and not snowball the cum back and forth in front of him. We've done it enough times to get the timing down: wait until he sits up straight, because if you don't he'll be too dazed from nutting in your mouth to really appreciate it. Make sure he's looking at you, move your hair out of the way so it doesn't obstruct his view, open your lips so that a trickle of jizz almost sloshes out, move in close to your mom so that your noses are touching and it's clear that you're about to kiss, sink a palm into her tits as she grabs your ass, and then you gotta really go for it: wide-mouthed, feral, energetic, like you're trying to reach each other's sinuses. If a little bit of cum spills out because you're being so sloppy, that's a sign that you're doing it right. You're going to lick it up afterwards anyway.

We broke the kiss, I licked mom's face clean, and we took a break. We drank some more wine, he offered us cigarettes--the coolest clients are the ones that let you smoke indoors--and we cuddled and relaxed for a while with Guy's Grocery Games playing on the TV. Pete went to get some water, and returned with three bottles and a strip of Cialis. He downed two pills, we both stripped off--it was sweltering by that point--and got ready for the next round.

Mom played with his nipples and I got between his legs again, this time going lower than his balls to eat his ass out. Rimming is a trusted client privilege like the mom-daughter stuff is, except it's less about trusting them in the legal sense and more about trusting that it won't be grainy down there. I like it when a client is clean enough to rim, because I'm extremely good at it. Mom says she's better, she claims she once made a guy no-touch cum with a rimjob, but I don't fucking believe her.

He got hard after a minute of digging my tongue into his ass, but his cock was still super-sensitive so we figured we'd tease him for a while longer. We swapped places, mom ate his ass while he made out with me, squeezing my tits and playing with my cock. I like it when guys touch my tits, my cock is... fine, I guess? I don't viscerally dislike people touching it but it doesn't do much for me. After a minute of that he reaches around and works a finger into my asshole, which is much more my speed.

By the time he was two knuckles deep I looked down and saw his cock twitching, leaking precum onto his stomach. He seemed pretty worked up. I kissed his neck, nipped at his ear, and whispered, "Do you wanna breed me, Mister?"

He sure did.

I use condoms unless I've got an extremely compelling reason not to, and mom has a cool trick for getting them on. She grasped Pete's cock around the base, placed her lips around the tip, deepthroated the entire thing in a single stroke, and as she slowly lifted her head back up, his cock was neatly fitted with a condom.

As soon as I lubed up he put me on my back, pushed my ankles up to my ears,  pressed his cock against my hole and sunk into me inch by inch. He muffled my moans with a kiss and rutted me into the bed. I gotta give it to him, all that biohacking and cardio is doing something right because he railed me at a fast, steady pace until my dick was leaking all over my tummy and I couldn't form sentences in my head any more. Mom made out with him as he finished, and at that point I was just babbling nonsense. He was gentle and cautious as he pulled out of me, stroking my hair as I reached down to take off his condom. I poured the contents out over my tits, slumping back against the headboard as mom licked them clean.

It wasn't yet midnight by then, and we went on like that through the night. Licking his feet, mom-daughter 69, him sucking my cock while mom rode his dick like a Sorority cowgirl champion, more wine, more double-blowjobs, tacking an extra $200 onto the fee for the privilege of pissing in my mouth instead of having to get up to go to the bathroom, a whole buffet of fun whore stuff.

We woke up at around ten in the morning, stayed for breakfast, then said our goodbyes. Me and mom thanked him for his custom, and he thanked us for a good time. By midday we were at home, we both showered, checked our calendars, messaged our evening clients to confirm that they were still on, and then... well, the rest of the day kinda evaporated. I played Demons' Souls until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, passed out in bed, and woke up when my alarm went off in the evening.

That's one of the things I don't like about overnight sessions: you're technically only spending like, ten to twelve hours with a client, and for some of that time you're either not fucking or actively asleep, but it kinda feels like it destroys two days. By the time it's scheduled, everything in the rest of the day is either preparing for it or doing it, and when you get back it takes the rest of the day just to recover. I don't like that part of my job, and if I sit down I can probably go through a whole bunch of things I don't like about my job. I still know that my job isn't a *bad* job, because the last time I had a bad job it was at a chicken processing plant. Know how I know that the chicken job was bad? Because I excused myself for a bathroom break four hours into the shift, walked off site, and never came back.

You know what, there's another reason I know that this isn't a bad job and that mom isn't a bad mom, and I guess it's part of the reason I've written all this down in the first place. I was seven years old when I first wanted to die. By the time I got to high school, suicidal thoughts were just the radio static in my brain. I can't remember any point after like, grade school where I didn't daydream about suicide every single day.

Now? I sometimes go for weeks without thinking about killing myself. It hasn't gone away completely, it still pops up when I'm upset or stressed out or tired or really hungry, but what I do is I talk to mom about it, and she talks me out of it. I feel guilty sometimes about putting that pressure on her, and taking that pressure off is part of the reason I'm going to therapy I guess.

I hope it works out.

I really think it will.

[merakiaes]

I'm a 5'2, asian girl. Im about average weight, and I have light brown hair that's cut really short and messily. I can be grumpy if you say anything rude, but im normally happy and outgoing. i hate going outside in nature. camping, hiking, anything outdoorsy, i just hate it. im chaotic evil (apparently). im an aries and slytherin. im quite stupid, and (as much as i hate to admit it) i make bad decisions often. i show that i care through actions and gifts. (im open to the occasional cuddle tho) i love drawing and anything related to art. i listen to mostly indie music, mother mother and mac demarco is my thing. can I please be paired with a male character from Harry Potter and/or marvel?

HARRY POTTER

I ship you with Cedric Diggory!

This boy absolutely loves everything that has to do with the outdoors. Camping and hiking are two of his favourite things, and that’s honestly why I think you’d be so great together. Getting you to agree to spend time with him outside would be a challenge, and Cedric Diggory never backs down from one of those.

I can just picture him coaxing you with sweet-talk to get you to go on hikes and camping trips with him. You won’t be happy about being out and about in nature, but it would be okay because he’d definitely make it worth your while and show you so much appreciation by preparing all of your favourite things; your favourite songs, your favourite snacks, and he’d just go out of his way to make sure it was a good experience for you. He’s a very optimistic person and he would go out of his way to get you to see nature through his eyes.

I get the idea that he’s very clingy in a relationship, the good kind. He’ll try to sneak small touches and kisses everywhere you go and you’ll be lowkey annoyed about it when it starts taking a childish turn, which will only make it even funnier to him. So he’ll start poking you, take your stuff and hold it above your head and laugh when you can’t reach it. When he gives in and stops messing with you, he’d try to cuddle you and just hug you tighter if you tried to get away. He’d be that kind of boyfriend, and that dynamic between a Hufflepuff and a Slytherin is just so hilariously fitting.

I actually feel like he would be very into indie music, as well. And he’d love to just lay on your bed and listen, while you sit and draw beside him. Either that, or he’d just watch you draw. 

He’d enjoy teasing and playing around with you, but he’d be able to read the room and be very sweet and romantic when the moment called for it!

MARVEL

I ship you with Tony Stark!

Unlike Cedric who would take you on outdoors trips in an attempt to get you to see the beauty of it, Tony would take you out on outdoor trips solely for the purpose of annoying you, because if there’s one thing our beloved genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist loves, it’s getting a rise out of people - even the people he cares about. It’s just so funny to him.

He’d also roast your taste in music and say “here, give this a try and throw away that crap you’re always listening to”, and hand you a brand new iPod loaded with AC/DC, Metallica, Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden and other rock bands who were big during the 70s and 80s. 

He’d enjoy messing with you, maybe a little too much, and if I’ve perceived your personality correctly, then you’d pretty much always be annoyed at him and just be rolling your eyes constantly. Your relationship would probably be so chaotic to the public that people would be absolutely gobsmacked to find out that you were an item. 

To any outsiders, you’d look like rivals more than partners, but at the end of the day, he would love watching you draw. He’d ask about what difference different pens make, what difference different kinds of paper do, and once you’d explained, he would nod his head and research every kind of paper and pen there was until the next day, and then proceed to give you your own studio with supplies to last you a lifetime.

And he’d definitely frame all of your drawings and put them out throughout the building on full display. If he ever passed one of your drawings in the company of someone else, he would ask:“Have you seen this? *name* made this” and just be super proud and supportive. 

He is, contrary to what one might be led to believe by his chaotic and arrogant attitude, very selfless, caring and rational when it comes down to it so he would, in serious circumstances, make sure that you didn’t make any bad and rash decisions. He’d definitely act as your “external” good judgement when your own failed you, sit you down and ask if you’re sure you don’t want to rethink a certain decision before you make it, and help you rethink it if it’s a bad one. 

Your relationship would be the literal definition of “chaos” on the outside but behind closed doors, he’d be so caring and supportive of you and he’d always brag about you to people when you weren’t present. 

[allthebest20]

Schitt's Creek (2015-2020)

6/10 - As I write this, I have not yet finished the series. While the later seasons are funnier, I would say this show is not worth watching unless you are sufficiently bored and have moved through the other good TV. In a lot of ways, it's a classic sitcom, with it's plot holes and shaky character development, all coming together to dish out a couple of funny lines here and there. The more you watch it, the more the characters grow on you and the more you find yourself laughing at the stupid things that they say. The writers do a good job of avoiding the more cringe-y, over done sitcom tropes, but most episodes have pretty predictable plots.

The show star Eugene and Dan Levy, as father John and son David, as well as Catharine O'Hara and Annie Murphy, as mother Moira and daughter Alexis. Eugene Levy's character is boring: rarely says or does anything interesting, but his facial expressions and reactions can be quite funny. John is often the butt of the kids' jokes, and he plays the clueless, but proud and well-meaning father very well. Catherine O'Hara's Moira is a funny character: for the first season, I found her to be a boring caricature of a rich old lady, relying too much on a funny accent and silly wigs. However, as I warmed up to her, her bit started genuinely making me laugh. I'm not sure if the show got better, or if O'Hara's charm just won me over. By the 6th season, she is easily the funniest.

I can't help but love Dan Levy. He plays a character that we don't get to see very often: a funny, anxious gay man who is well dressed, but far from anyone's fabulous GBF. He's not a gay stereotype, if anything he's a rich kid stereotype who also happens to be gay. In the first/second season, he has a little fling with his best (and only) friend in Schitt's Creek, Stevie, a women. Although I was hoping to see some gay action for him, it was a nice moment to explain pansexuality. It made sense, because Stevie is very similar to David, and despite her long hair and model-face, she is more masculine than him, and I could see why they would be attracted to each other.

There was one plot line that really annoyed me: David and Stevie fall are crushing on the same man, who is seeing them both. The trope in itself does not bother me: what bothers me is the total lack of chemistry between the man and David. When it's with Stevie, things are fine, passable, whatever, but with David... It's obvious that Dan Levy is trying, but the dude is just not gay, and he seems to not really be making an effort to genuinely act. It's almost like when the camera cuts, he yells out "no homo" real quick, just so everyone knows. It just frustrates me, because, like, they couldn't just hire a gay actor?

Ultimately, David does find love, and it's cute. I mean his business is entirely unrealistic in a small town like that. They need an actual general store, not a store just for expensive lotions.

The side characters also do a great job. I think it's funny how Levy's actual daughter/sister is on the show as well, playing the waitress.

People love this show, and I'm not really sure why. I guess it makes decent background TV, and it can produce a few genuine laughs an episode.

[headoverjojo]

I’m a big fan of cute fluffy stuff, can I get some fluffy Domestic head cannons with Bruno and his gang?

Hello hello dear! Awwwwww, sooooft :,) I hope it is what you wanted! In case, please dm me and I’ll write right what you want :3

Fluffy domestic headcanons for Bruno’s gang

(Under the cut for length!)

Bruno Bucciarati

Every morning, when he wakes up, Bruno spends at least ten minutes watching the sea from his window. Seeing the sea, doesn’t matter if placid or stormy, gives him the strength to start the day. It’s also a way to honor his passed father: he feels connected to him, for some minutes, and it gives him peace.

Even if he usually has lunch out, almost always with his team, he prefers to eat dinner at home. On his home road, he stops by some small stands to buy sometimes some veggies, sometimes a bit of meat, when he feels like he wants to eat fish then he stops directly at the docks, where he knows some trustworthy fishermen, and buys here the fish. He likes to take his time while cooking, humming and putting on background a soft low CD. It’s the moment when he finally starts to relax for real.

Evening are usually spent chilling on the couch -or on the porch, if the weather is warm enough- reading or watching a show that keeps his interest. Bruno never goes to bed late, as he follows a rigorous routine -and he needs his beauty sleep-, so, around 10-11 p.m., the day, for him, is ended and it’s time to sleep. He usually sleeps with a light pajamas even in winter, and he’s one of the lucky people who fall pretty fast asleep.

If he’s a s/o, he’d share all those moments with them: he’d brew coffee for two and would take them a mug, watching with them the sea in a still half-asleep state, hugging them, in the evening he’d prepare dinner -with them if they are at home-, while quietly chatting and chuckling with them, and would go to sleep early, hugging them tightly and keeping them safe in his embrace which tastes like home.

Leone Abbacchio

Abbacchio doesn’t get a lot of sleep, definitely not as much as he’d need, due both to insomnia and recurrent nightmares. When he wakes up, early in the morning, he’s groggy and grumpy and doesn’t like to talk to anyone before his second cup of coffee. If someone dares to do so, he just grumbles, but by now all the gang knows how to interpret his morning mumbles and growls.

He learned how to cook when he was at the police academy -he’s not from Naples and he had to move in when he was accepted in the academy, so he had to learn fast how to live alone- but by now he’s a bit rusty. He just… doesn’t enjoy to cook just for himself. So he usually prepares something simple -but he’s actually pretty good when someone is his guest- and then does at least one hour of work out, following his old policeman habits. Doing his exercises helps him, other than keep his body in shape, to relax his mind in the reassuring routine.

Sleep doesn’t come easy, even when he’s so tired that he’d just like to hit the wall with his head to fall asleep. He has a small television in his room, which he synthonize on the most boring channel he can find while zapping, hoping that a 4 hours documentary about the daily life of sloths could lull him to sleep, in vain. He usually ends up watching all the show or reading all the book he had picked up -usually one of Fugo’s tomes-, falling asleep usually around 4-5 a.m.

Almost paradoxically, with a s/o things would be slight better, especially if his s/o is patient with his shenanigans. If they chuckle at his grumbles, instead of being annoyed, they’d make him start the day with a smile instead of a pout; a kiss before going on mission or wherever he has to meet with the others would improve considerably his day; dining with someone and not alone would greatly improve his mood and he may find again his hobby for cooking; sleeping with someone would tame his demons and nightmares. He’d fall asleep faster and more serenely when his s/o gently caress his hair and rub his scalp, making him feel safe, at home.

Guido Mista

Mista is not a morning guy. He’s also not a person who oversleeps too; he’s up around 8-9 a.m., not at the ungodly 5-6 a.m of Bruno and Abbacchio but not even around 10-11 a.m as Narancia. Once he gets his 6-7 hours of sleep, he’s up. In the morning, he likes to take things easy, if he hasn’t a mission or a meeting: he takes his time to brew coffee, he eats his biscuits sitting on the windowsill, after giving his Pistols their beloved salame, usually he has to divide the babies that are fighting -usually 3 and 5- and then, finally, he takes a shower. His morning routine requires more or less one hour.

Especially if he’s back from a mission, he loves to take his time also to go home -or the HQ, if he feels like to stay here for the night-. He wanders through the so known streets, sometimes stopping to chat with someone he knows, sometimes stopping just to admire the landscape… he loves it. It reminds him that he made it again, that he has more time to live and that he’s finally home. Then, he usually heads to the HQ for dinner, as he doesn’t like to dine alone. Meals are something to share with his family!

He doesn’t have a precise time to sleep. It may be early, if he’s tired, but also late, if there’s a show he likes or he’s busy chatting with Narancia and Fugo. On weekends he usually sleeps at his small flat, but during working day he usually stops by the HQ also for sleeping, since it’s more convenient. In any case, he tends not to go to sleep after 12-1 a.m., even if his friends are still up, and sleeps just in his boxer. He’s a warm boy.

If he has a s/o, he’d sleep at home with them, no stories. He loves to wrap his arms around them while sleeping, keeping them warm and safe! In summer this could be a problem, but in winter it’s so damn perfect. And waking up near Mista is wonderful! His sleepy smile is the cutest thing around. And the Pistols would surely go to them to be spoiled, nestling on their hair and shoulders, making Mista huff and grumble about their behaviour. They’re like children, in the end!

Narancia Ghirga

Narancia is definitely not a morning guy. If he hasn’t a mission -and even so, he’d grumble, even if not actually complaining about- he loves to sleep long in the morning, all wrapped around his pillow, a happy smile on his face. Usually, it’s Fugo the one who throws him off of bed, mumbling that it’s late and he has to get ready, while opening the window. Even if he whines and complains, Narancia gets up and immediately shoves his face in the sink full of cold water, both in summer and winter: it’s his only way to wake up properly. Then he usually dresses quickly, running down in time for lunch with all the gang.

In the afternoon, after a mission or a meeting, he likes to go out to have some fresh air or, if he’s pissed off, to steam a little. If Mista is available, he’d go around with him; if not, he’d go to a secluded place where he can make Aerosmith fly as he likes, training on aim and range. He always felt like he was the only one Bucciarati didn’t “want” in the gang -he knows that Bruno did it not ‘cause he thought he was weak, but because he wanted him to have a normal life far from mafia, but it still stings- so he wants to prove both to him and to himself too that he is, instead, worth of his place. He’d come to the HQ when darkness is about to fall, to help Fugo cooking.

Narancia in fact is a person who falls asleep easily and on any surface. He just doesn’t want to sleep! Life is too short and he’ll sleep when he’s dead, he always says it. He stays up to chat with Fugo or Mista, huffing when they go to their room, usually after midnight - 1 a.m., and so he stays up watching some show on the TV or playing a video-game. If Bruno is in the HQ, he has to be careful not to be catched, or papa Bruno will scold him! But usually he’s pretty good at keeping things silent, during night, until he falls asleep face on pillow.

If he has a s/o, his days would be way funnier! He’d never make them feel alone or “forgotten”, as they’re his sun and moon. In the morning, he’d try to keep them in bed a bit longer, to cuddle a bit, while pouting in his adorable way that always, always makes them melt in a puddle of sweetness. He’d try to spend as much time with them as possible, since he’s often out for missions! With them and his friends and family. It’d be the perfect day! And then dine all together, chatting on the couch or on the balcony after dinner, staying up and cuddling together… Narancia can’t think about something better. Who needs heaven, when his is already on Earth?

Pannacotta Fugo

Fugo is definitely a morning person. Since his early childhood, he was used to get up rightly at 7 a.m. and by now he can wake up precisely at that hour even without alarm. He usually needs a good cup of strong coffee, in the morning, to properly get up, since it’s sure that he stayed up late, the previous night, to read. After a light and quick breakfast, he usually takes a shower, but then, once he’s all ready and dressed, he spends a bit of time just watching as the city slowly wakes up. By 7.30 a.m. the city starts to really get into business and Fugo is fascinated by how people run back and forth, how life pulses so hard and strong… even if he actively started to be part of that pulse, sometimes he still feels like he’s just a viewer of a bigger show. Not a bad show… just one he’s still not completely accustomed to actively join.

After a mission or a hard meeting, Fugo loves, and needs, to have even just half an hour for himself, to cool down. He usually goes to some park or to the library, to finally find some peace. He loves to lose among the books labyrinths, to pick a book and read a small part and then put it back, to explore new parks and find the most quiet spots… it makes him feel at ease, like he can breathe again. This, however, doesn’t last long; as much as he loves to spend some time alone, he also came to appreciate the time he spends with his family. And so, he soon goes back to the HQ, to join Mista, Narancia or Giorno in some chats; sometimes, if the topic can pick enough his interest, he slips into the teenager he really is, almost surprising even his teammates.

Fugo suffers of insomnia. He always did  but, while before he grew angrier and angrier when he couldn’t sleep, ending up in total sleepless night because of his nervousness, now he just shrugs it off and waits in a resigned patience. Soon or later he’ll sleep, he always says. And so he usually stays up late, chatting with Mista, Narancia or Giorno, when Gold Experience’s user doesn’t go to sleep early, and then, more or less around midnight, he retires in his room. Here he lays down with a good book and reads and reads, going on until his eyelids are about to finally fall down. In the end, this method guarantees him at least 4-5 hours of sleep every night. Not enough, he perfectly knows, but still way more than before.

If he has a s/o, he’d adapt his routine to theirs. If they have a day off and they can wake up later, he’d stay more in bed -if he doesn’t have any morning errand to do-, just hugging them and relishing in their warmth until they wake up. He’d love to spend his time with them and less time alone, as their presence represents the peace he needs. If they also want to go to the library or to the park, then it’s wonderful! Spending time with them in a quiet place is the best he can ask for. Dinners would be even better, now that they’re here! And after dinner chats too, it’d all be better, with them around. More colorful, brighter. And he’d sleep even a bit more, especially if they let him nestle on their chest, relaxing under their caresses and cuddles or if they softly read aloud a book, lulling him to sleep. Fugo’s quite cute while he sleeps, his lips softly bent in a small pout, his pale eyebrows which furrow and relax… plus, especially if he’s really tired, he tends to hug tightly, as to never let them go and keep them safe and sound.

Giorno Giovanna

Mista sometimes pokes fun at him for this, but Giorno rises literally with the sun. In winter he rises later and in summer earlier, rightly following the sun, without forcing himself. It’s just like he feels it! He usually dresses and takes a shower, before going down to have breakfast, mostly because he wears curlers. Three big curlers on his forehead, those donuts don’t form by themselves! Even if he likes to make the others think so. He usually has breakfast with Fugo or, if he’s at the HQ, Bruno, quietly chatting and drinking his beloved morning tea. His day can’t start before a good cup of tea and a sweet, he needs it!

Giorno has a deep passion for gardening and mostly without using his Gold Experience. It doesn’t seem, but, even when he was at the high school campus, he was the one who always helped the gardeners with plants and flowers. He has a natural talent with it! Even at the HQ, Giorno found a small space to transform in “his” garden -which is, in fact, the communal garden- and, when he has a bit of time or needs to relax after a mission or a meeting, he hides here, among his beloved plants. Sometimes it can happen that he cheats using GE to refresh some flowers he particularly likes, but it’s really rare. He feels so good and at ease among plants, his little garden is the most beautiful of all the neighborhood! For once he feels good in something, after a childhood and early teenage years spent always hearing that he wasn’t enough and that he wouldn’t ever done anything good in life. It’s his way to take his “revenge” on those words.

Like he rise with the sun, when the sun starts to set down he starts to feel sleepy. In summer it’s not a problem, but in winter it can be an issue that could need even a cup or two of coffee to be solved. He tries to stay up as much as he can, as Giorno loves to hanging out with his friends, chatting, laughing, being for a bit the young boy he still is… but when Mista has to nag his shoulder to keep him awake, Giorno calls out the day and, after bidding his goodnight, retires for the night. After putting on the curlers, he nestles under the blankets, hugging his pillow or, even if no one knows it, a peluche; his mother never showed affection to him, she almost never took him in her arms and so, to fight the deep touch starvation he felt, little Giorno hugged pillows and peluches, wishing to be hugged back. It’s a habit he still has, even after so many years.

If he has a s/o, hugs are the keyword. Even if he comes out as wary, at first, once the relationship is stable and he trusts them with his whole heart, touches are really common among them. Giorno wakes up all wrapped around them, mumbling in his sleep, and it’s such a cute sight that his s/o can just melt in a puddle. They have to cuddle him! And waking up while feeling their lips on his cheeks or on his forehead, under his curlers, while their hands gently rub his scalp or back, is the most beautiful feeling in all the world. The day then goes on with a quiet breakfast -where Giorno often loses himself softly caressing their free hand- and then, when he’s done with missions and meetings, if they’re willing to he’d love to spend some time with them in the garden, simply chilling out or actively gardening, he doesn’t care as long as he’s with them. Dinners are wonderful, now that he has a family to share them with; and he’s so cute when he starts to get sleepy, losing his usual composure and yawning while rubbing his eyes and face to stay awake! When they’re finally in bed, he loves to nestle near them, hugging them tightly and visibly sighing in relief when they hug him back. It’s like a dream become true…

[knives-out20]

Before You Go - Cliff Booth x Male!OC

Fandom: Once Upon A Time In Hollywood (2019)

Pairing: Bobby Brightside (OC) x Cliff Booth

Warnings: Suicide, Bobby talks to god but the one that isn’t Cliff and the one he doesn’t believe is in the sky, Slight religious trauma, Abuse flashbacks, R@pe flashbacks, Bobby just not acting like himself, Sad Bobby ig people don’t like that, Parallels, Crying Cliff (a huge TW),

Notes: Based off of Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi. Slight Brokeback Mountain references. Enjoy!

“Reality sucks.”

Bobby lay on the rooftop of one of the highest buildings in Hollywood. In the dead of night, he fell by the wayside of every thought he was used to having when by himself.”I hate you” Bobby whispered, more to himself than anyone else in a long time; he knew he wasn’t just kidding himself at this point. He hummed for a moment- but what about Cliff, Aria, MJ, Sharon, Joseph, Rick, Calvin and Amelia? Bobby shrugged the thought away, his every moment with them, they were sure to replace.

Cliff. Cliff moved onto Bobby from Billie just fine, surely he has enough strength in him to do it again? Much more strength that Bobby ever had, believe it or not. Cliff didn’t deserve Bobby, he deserved so much better, everything Bobby ever thought that he knew he was. Time could heal Cliff of what Bobby was about to do quicker than it ever healed anything Bobby had to go through.

Cliff. The same Cliff who forced himself to play whatever genre of rock the Stones fit into, because he knew Bobby liked it. Sure, it was nice of him, but it made Cliff play music he didn’t like in his own car, and that didn’t make Bobby feel so good, the more he thought about it. Cliff already has enough on his plate, Bobby sighed as he only thought about it.

Cliff. Short for Cliff Booth, not Clifford, or Clifton, Bobby remembers Cliff telling him that it’s just ‘Cliff’. It was sort of humorous, because at least ‘Bobby’ was short for something. Even funnier because Bobby’s shorter than Cliff in general. By an inch or not, Cliff always teased Bobby about it.

Cliff. The exact Cliff whose every moment Bobby currently played in his head: every moment he ever had with Cliff. When they first met, their first time sleeping together, their first date, their first kiss as a couple, their first “I love you”s (Bobby drew the conclusion every “I love you” Cliff gave him was empty), the first time they called each other a nickname of adoration. Every single interaction the two ever had replayed in Bobby’s head, as he nitpicked his every movement. 

Cliff. The Cliff with shaggy blond hair, soft blue eyes, a perfect nose, muscled arms, a scarred torso, toned legs, and welcoming lips. An endearing laugh, annoying jokes, messy driving, yet rhythm in his every movement. All Bobby could think of now was the inevitable look of relief on Cliff’s face once he finds out what Bobby was about to do.

Cliff. The same one who Bobby, among others, began to distance himself from. Little by little by little, Bobby drew himself to a safe enough of a distance in order to hurt himself the least for soon leaving Cliff. Again, he was sure Cliff could easily move onto another lover. Would he and Cliff had been better enough by now if Bobby let his extra walls come down, the ones Cliff was sure he tore down? Bobby guesses he’ll never know.

Cliff. The only Cliff- or man, in general- Bobby could bet his life on actually, truly, madly, deeply fell so in love with, it was unbelievable; unimaginable, even. Cliff was better off finding a copy of that love after Bobby, Bobby was sure of that.

Bobby stood up, and looked over the ledge, down at the alleyway he murdered Billie in. He forced out a giggle; this alleyway is just the Kill Cliff’s Lovers Corner, huh? With Bobby being responsible for both killings, that sure was funny. A blank grin slid onto his lips, a forced one. Smile even in the face of death, Bobby was told he’s reminded people of that quote quite a lot. 

Bobby figured he had smiled in the face of death many times in the past. Each time he smiled at a pointless protest, riot, or rally, he was sure he was smiling in the face of death. Bobby was sure he’d die in each event. He wondered why he even bothered; he’s been to billions of them, and nothing has changed since he was a kid. What a waste of time.”I hate you” Bobby repeated, pointing his thumb at himself. He felt the cool breeze tangle itself into his dark hair, the same strands he remembers his parents tugging before they mercilessly beat him on countless events. Bobby now knows he deserved every hit he took. He looked down at the pavement, sure he had been asking for it- just like he had been asking for those two times men took advantage of him in the past.

Bobby thought about if he had anything else to do before he had to go...No, not that he knows of. He could practically feel the blood pumping through his veins, like troubled water running cold. It’d all be over soon, at least he had that one thought of comfort. Bobby gulped, taking a step away from the ledge. He realized what he did, and furrowed his eyebrows in frustration.”I hate you” Bobby mumbled once again, stepping back up. He took a long, deep breath, looking up at the sky.”I hate you too, big guy.”

Bobby figured this was the first time he had ‘talked to god’ after completely kicking the concept of its existence out of his mind. From the moment he met Cliff, he had been sure as all hell that if there was any God, Cliff was it. He remembers being laughed off whenever he called Cliff ‘God’, as if it was a recurrent joke. Bobby felt confused at this, because he never called Cliff ‘God’ as a joke- he was being dead serious, each and every time. Cliff Booth is God, a God among men, and apparently only Bobby knew that each time Cliff’s feet hit the ground as he walked, each time Cliff’s ribs vibrated when he laughed, each time Cliff said any word in the English lexicon, apparently only Bobby picked up on the fact that Cliff Booth is a deity worth worshiping. Too bad he couldn’t worship Cliff for any longer.

“You happy now?” He asked, eyes on the night sky.”You beat me up, beat me down, beat me left, right, sideways, upside, right-side-up, and even backwards, and it’s led me to here. Piece of shit, if I land up in the sky, I’m swinging at you, first” Bobby growled.”You took everything in my entire life that made me happy- or was supposed to make me happy- and twisted it into doing the exact fucking opposite, and look where we are, fella. This is so on you, right now” he carried on.”Don’t even act like you haven’t seen me in this position before- you KNOW I’ve tried before. But I’m going through with it this time, see?” Bobby laughed, the laughter dying down when Cliff popped into his head once again.

Cliff. The same Cliff that Bobby felt he was leaving behind for the better.

He sighed.”Now go! Save him!” Bobby called, referencing to Cliff.”Go! Save Cliff! Save him in the ways you couldn’t have been fucking bothered to save me, okay? Save Cliff!” He reached an arm up, hand grasping to somehow hold the moon. 

Bobby was brought back to the time he lay in a grassy field with Cliff; Cliff had an arm outstretched, eyes on the moon he was pointing at. But Bobby was looking at Cliff’s hand.

“Take him to the moon for me, okay?” His face softened out of pure love, sadness written over his lips due to the fact he had to leave the one person who managed to make him so happy, just from the sight of him.

”Goodbye, Cliff” Bobby bade him farewell, stretching out his arms like he was on a cross. He inched closer to the ledge, slowly closing his eyes when tears made his vision blurry. Bobby leaned forward, falling from the roof as he heard one last thing.

“BOBBY!”

***

Cliff awoke in a jolt, blue eyes darting around the ceiling of his bedroom in his trailer. He groaned, slowly sitting up and rubbing his eyes. Cliff remembered last night in spare blurs; his car racing down the dark streets as usual, cut to him drinking bottle after bottle. The same ones scattered around his bedroom floor. Cliff forced himself out of bed, glancing at the clock.

He had slept the day away. Shit. Bobby must be pissed as hell.

Cliff also remembered something, but not about last night; he was late from picking Rick up from that movie set.”Fuck-” he swore, grabbing his jean jacket and shrugging it on. Cliff rushed out his bedroom and out the front door, bidding Brandy a quick “goodbye.”

He hopped into his car, starting it up and racing over to the street. 

Cliff passed by people huddled around an alleyway, but had no time to let curiosity get the best of him tonight. He skid to a stop, where he looked out his passenger side window to a worried Rick.”Hi” Cliff smiled sheepishly, reaching over to unlock the front door.

Rick raised an eyebrow, cautiously getting in and shutting the door behind himself.”Hey.”

Cliff started driving again, in the same comfortable silence he was used to having with Rick. But he enjoyed comfortable silence with Bobby, more. Cliff figured he should drive straight to Bobby’s afterwards, and find some way to apologize for not being heard from for the whole day. He smiled to himself; Cliff loves Bobby so much, it doesn’t even make sense to live without him.

Rick glanced over at Cliff. Should he say something...? No, it’s best to leave Cliff alone. Maybe this is how he grieves.

Cliff pulled into Rick’s driveway, setting his car in park.

Rick shook his head, he had to say something.”You, uh...You alright, Cliff?”

Cliff furrowed his eyebrows, meeting Rick’s gaze.”Oh, right- sorry I was late, man. I slept through the entire day, it’s so weird.”

Rick glanced away in confusion.”No, that- that- that’s fine, but like...are you- are you okay? Are you handlin’ well?”

Cliff blinked slowly.”Handling what well?”

Rick’s eyebrows jumped.”Do you-? Not know, or- or remember?”

“Know or remember what? Speed this up, Rick, I gotta go visit Bobby at his place.”

“Cliff, Bobby committed suicide last night.”

Cliff opened his mouth to say something, but it was moreover in shock.”Wh-...huh-?”

“Yea, do you- do you not remember? His body was in that alleyway by that- that cheap cinema Sharon likes going to.”

The same alleyway Cliff made the mistake of rushing past, earlier.”What-?”

Rick slowly got out the car, closing the door.”Cliff, buddy, you-” 

But Cliff already raced away. He didn’t want Rick to see him start to cry.

***

Cliff stood with his friends in the cemetery, huddled around a black granite gravestone that reached to around his knees. He stood directly in front of it, a fresh mound of dirt touching the toes of his dress shoes.

‘BRIGHTSIDE’ it read, carved in a huge font, including Bobby’s birth year, a dash, then his death year, AKA the current year. Under both of these, it read ‘Smiled in the face of death’

Cliff’s lips broke into a small, sad smile. If he had a dollar for every time someone said Bobby was the personification of this quote, he’d probably be as rich as Bobby was. 

Cliff glanced to his right, where Sharon, MJ, and Joseph lined up. He inhaled sharply, hating to see Sharon cry; or any of Bobby’s and his friends cry, really. To his left, stood Rick, Aria, and their two kids, Calvin and Amelia, fast asleep in a stroller. He glanced around at the other people who had bothered to gather; Bruce Lee, Jay Sebring, James Stacy, Sharon’s husband Roman, Wayne Maunder, Bobby’s band mates and his other buddies, among others. Cliff wondered if Bobby would have liked the turnout, as he slowly knelt down to place a bouquet over the grave- a bouquet made out of the extremely specific types of flowers that Bobby liked. He had it memorized like the back of his calloused hand.

Cliff kept wondering as people slowly began to trudge away, fewer and fewer and people staying around until it was just him by himself, still standing. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned to see Rick.

“You- You, uh, gonna be okay, buddy?”

Cliff caught the worrisome look in Rick’s eyes. He nodded sternly.”Just...give me a moment alone with him, could you?”

Rick nodded respectively, disappearing in a flash.

Cliff fixed his tie, looking down at the grave through his usual sunglasses, the ones Bobby loved so much. He sighed silently.”You left early.” Cliff cracked a forced smile, one that didn’t last long.”Was there something I could’ve said to make you feel any better, to- to steer you away from...this?” He weakly gestured down at the ground, where Bobby lay, just six feet under. Cliff gulped thickly.”If only I’d have known you had your own storm to weather, beyond everything you’ve ever told me.”

Cliff thought back to each and every time Bobby opened up to him, and replayed his own every reaction, every movement. Maybe something he did made it seem like he didn’t care? He grunted softly; Cliff cares more than anything, especially when it comes to Bobby.

“Was- Was there something I could’ve said to...make you stop hurting, the way you did?” Cliff asked, as if expecting Bobby’s ghost to appear and answer him. He wiped the first tear he felt, unaware of the many that were to follow.”Bobby, it kills me how your mind could make you feel so fucking worthless. You’re worth so much to me. More than any amount of money, any car, any movie, any amount of fame. You’re practically priceless, baby, you didn’t- you didn’t deserve me, you deserved someone more in- in-tune to your liking, and your ways. I’m just some creepy stunt double who’s aging out of Hollywood...” Cliff looked straight down, breath shaky.

Obvious silence from Bobby’s end.

“Would we have been better off by now, if I had let my own walls come down?” Cliff asked, pushing his sunglasses up. He obviously had walls of his own, ones he spent his entire life building. Ones he was sure Bobby pushed aside like a glass door, but, he guesses not.”I guess we’ll never know, huh?”

Literal crickets. 

Cliff, for once, hated this silence he had with Bobby. He got down on one knee, softly placing a hand over the pile of dirt he watched get shoveled over Bobby’s casket. Cliff’s fingers padded the brown earth.”I’ll miss you, buddy, there’s no denying that. I guess the Big Man himself has it out for me, if he even exists. You seriously had no right to keep comparing me to ‘im, baby, c’mon” he chuckled softly, a genuine smile crawling over his feature. Cliff loves Bobby, and he was gifted with the knowledge that that love was far from ever dying down.”You kept on treating me like how I never thought I deserved to be treated like, it was- it was strange, but I love you for it. Getting used to it was fun. Getting used to you was amazing. Getting used to the lack of you...will obviously be the exact opposite. Especially for Brandy, she always loved you like you were another me.”

Cliff looked down at his suit- this wasn’t the situation he wanted to be wearing a suit around Bobby, in. Quite the opposite, down to the setting and the mood. And the empty ring finger.

Cliff took off his sunglasses, folding the temples.”Here, sweetheart...” He whispered, placing it on the grave, so that its lenses were facing him, but its back leaned against the black granite headstone.”Y-You always look better in them than I- I ever did” Cliff stuttered, rushing to stand back up. He wiped his teary eyes, keeping the dirt on his knee. Cliff sniffled, racking his brain for a witty one-liner, or some final line at the end of the script of the movie Bobby and him had lived through.”You always knew how to render me speechless, huh, baby?” He rhetorically asked Bobby.

Bobby. The exact Bobby that Cliff had to somehow move on from, if he could even move on, at all. He was certain he’d be stuck on Bobby for a long time, like a puzzle he put so much time, effort, love, care, and emotion into. A puzzle that was way too grand for Cliff to even begin to be worthy of. Bobby’s everything Cliff could ever love in anyone, and now he’s gone, just like that. And now Cliff’s expected to move on, somehow? Impossible, no doubt about it.

Bobby. The same Bobby who breathed The Rolling Stones in like their music was air, or like Mick Jagger’s voice was a good blunt. Cliff remembers how time after time again, he’d play the Stones in his car. He knew how much Bobby loved them, after all. Cliff reminisced on how Jagger slowly started to grow on him over time, he started to actually like the Stones. He would play The Rolling Stones during car rides Bobby wasn’t even a part of, or car rides Cliff would take by himself. They weren’t that bad, really. And now Cliff can’t listen to them without falling into immense pain, because it’ll just remind him of Bobby.

Bobby. Short for Robert Duncan Brightside. Cliff would often catch himself thinking that, if him and Bobby were to ever illegally get married, Bobby’s initials wouldn’t change. Same goes for if Cliff were to somehow take Bobby’s last name. He was sad to know that this would only remain a fantasy, now.

Bobby. The same Bobby who was currently marching around Cliff’s head like at a protest, his every word playing on repeat in Cliff’s mind like a broken record. Cliff thought of every first Bobby and him ever had, along with their every last. Their last meeting, their last time sleeping together, their last date, their last kiss, their last “I love you”s (every single time Cliff told this set of words to Bobby, he meant it with ever ounce of his being), the last time they called each other a loving nickname. He remembered every moment he had with Bobby, and mentally beat himself up over every single thing he did in those times that could’ve made it seem to Bobby that he didn’t love him, that he didn’t care. Because Cliff did love Bobby, he still does, he still cares, more than anything. He knew it’s his fault that Bobby couldn’t see that.

Bobby. The Bobby with the tousled brown hair, deep brown eyes, a button nose, lean arms, narrow torso, fast-paced legs, and sweet lips. A playful laugh, dad-like jokes, stone-cold denial of ever sitting behind the wheel, and a pep in his every action. All Cliff found himself thinking of now was how much he was going to miss every little thing that made Bobby, well, Bobby. And how much it’ll hurt him, how he’s never going to see any of it, ever again.

Bobby. The exact same Bobby who was loud-mouthed, and very open with how he felt on any topic ever brought up in a conversation. Cliff would always admire how open-minded Bobby was, and how unafraid he was to say how he feels, and fight for what he believed in; for what was right. It was slow work, but each protest, riot, and rally Bobby formed or attended made positive change extremely inevitable. Bobby never distanced himself from a challenge, or a good fight, if it meant going for what’s right, and what he loves. Bobby loved Cliff, but Cliff wondered what it was that made Bobby distance himself from him.

Bobby. The only Bobby- and person, actually- Cliff swore his entire life on being the only person he has ever really fell in love with. Just the way he loves Bobby is unfathomable, it’ll never be ‘loved’, it’ll never be in past-tense. It’ll always be love, and loves. Cliff is in love with Bobby. Cliff loves Bobby. He knew this, so damn well it’ll hurt like a bullet through the heart.

Cliff got shoved back into reality, finding himself on his knees over Bobby’s grave, tears hitting the fresh dirt.”I’m gonna m-miss you so fucking much, I’ll hardly st-stand it” he choked, arms shaking slightly. When Cliff only ever found himself hurting under the surface, this was one way he never saw the cork exploding at, letting his emotions loose like troubled water spraying out of a pipe.”You’ll have no- no fucking idea how b-bad it’ll get, Bobby-” he sobbed, hunched over the dirt as stray tears stained the collar of his white button-up.”I wish I- I knew how to f-fucking quit you, baby, r-really, Jesus f-fuck-” Cliff cried, hands balling into tight fists.

From afar, Rick watched from his car. He exhaled quickly, going to get out.

Aria put a hand on his shoulder, stopping him.”Leave him, baby. Give- Give him a bit of time” she instructed, clenching her jaw.

Rick looked back down at Aria, finally nodding. He sniffled, slouching back down.

Cliff continued to cry, his waterworks reaching the stems of the flowers wrapped in his bouquet. He used to compare holding Bobby like someone holding a bouquet of bright, beautiful flowers. Cliff grit his teeth in poor efforts to stifle himself, slapping a hand over his watery eyes; of course it was Bobby Brightside of all people who was able to make Cliff Booth cry.

Bobby. The same Bobby that Cliff could never leave behind.

Cliff wobbled as he slowly got up, wiping his eyes, then his nose, on his sleeve. He sniffled, blinked back any loose tears. Cliff wiped his eyes again, until his vision became crystal clear. His blue eyes trailed up from his bouquet, over the rectangle of dirt, onto his sunglasses, until he re-read the words on Bobby’s headstone. Black granite, up to Cliff’s knees. Cliff quickly leaned in, patting the top of the headstone and pulling away just as fast. He can’t recall the last time he was in this much pain, no stunt ever even had him hurting like this. Cliff gulped the lump in his throat away, inhaling shakily. He slowly licked his lips, tasting a couple salty tears.“I love you, Bobby. Believe it or not, I’ll never stop. I’ll- I’ll love you like it’s my air, Bobby. An addiction that I’ll never fucking get over...” Cliff slowly stepped away from the grave, not ever wanting to leave Bobby here, but he had to say one last thing before he left.

”I love you, Bobby. See you again soon.”

[lgvalenzuela]

May i ask 5, 8, 14 and 17??

It's been 84 years...

But I'll finally answer honey!

5. HOW'S THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH JACOB?

Lex and Morgana are the same age, and we're raised in the same neighborhood, so they've known Jacob the same amount of time. Their relationship pre-Hogwarts was as ideal as sibling relationships get, they specially have fond memories of all of them playing music together.

On the other hand, because their relationship was so good before Jacob went to Hogwarts, they were both really confused when it started to crumble.

Their first years they only really remembered the good kind Jacob, and their faith and devotion never wavered... Until Lex found him in the vault, and Morgana met him again at the start of year 6. Lex really lost faith and love for him, he was crushed when he just left again. Morgana wants to hear the full story, but she's more inclined to stay by Lex's side...

(Thank you @antnliliumignis for the beautiful pattern in Jacob's cloak)

Mercy's side is... Funnier. She never met Jacob, so the only thing she's only wanted to do for the past 6 years is punch him really hard in the face for abandoning his family (which she does) There might be some projecting going on since it reminds her that she never met her dad, but after Jacob has a breakdown in front of her she's like: Oh shit, he's a real human person...

That doesn't mean she has to like him, because she doesn't for a while, but this describes their relationship pretty well.

8. HOW'S THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR FAMILY?

Lex is the most simple, he comes from a privileged highblood environment and it kinda shows (luckily their best pals are a muggleborn and a blood traitor so THAT particular side was never part of their heritage) His parents are loving if maybe with a tendency to spoil their little boys, and he had the best brother in the world. But it's true, that when Jacob left his world was crushed, the highblood families he knew didn't respect the Barkwolfs as they used to, and his parents were grieving really hard, it was... Really hard for him to adjust to this, but he had to be strong, to find his brother and fix his broken family... (This didn't really happened of course, his family was fixed? Yes, but he had to realized it wasn't picture perfect anymore)

Mercy is the daughter of a single very young mom, Íria is a good mom, but there's so much you can do when you're alone. And for what is worth? She did a great job, she's the best mom Mercy could have asked for.

She always thought she had a deadbeat dad who abandoned her mother the instant she got pregnant, and while she hated him she had mixed feelings on the matter, it's hard knowing you have a dad, but he's not there and he never wanted anything to do with you...

She doesn't know the truth though, and she doesn't find out until much later. The story is really complicated, but Balthazar had to take his other daughter Emily to France, and make Mercy forget her. They miss her and Íria every day, he stills sends letters to his wife, telling her how everythings going with him and Emily. But Mercy shouldn't know... For now...

Morgana...

Trigger warning for emotional abuse

Morgana's parents are sweet as candy, they love her more than anything in the world.

But there's a side of her family that isn't so good...

Her father is a muggleborn and her mother is a highblood, and the highblood side of her family isn't really thrilled about this marriage, they were even LESS thrilled when Elise became a spy to destroy Voldemort and his death eaters. Elise's mother specially wasn't the biggest fan of Spencer or Morgana, but she played nice while with the adults (because she did genuinely love her daughter, and wanted to be with her) while serverly abusing Morgana emotionally for years. She and the rest of the highblood side of the family.

Eventually (thank God) Elise and Spencer found out, and they were more than furious, two people had to contain Spencer so he wouldn't kill her then and there. They completly cutted ties with them.

There was one other incident they had with this woman, which I'm not going to share right now. But she's the reason Morgana is so meek and insecure.

14. ANY CRUSHES?

Let's talk about something more happy!!!💦

Lex has only really liked Ben in his entire life, he didn't realized it until year 6 cause he's really dense... And yeah, that's it.

Mercy has confessed to almost all the people she's had a crush on because that's just who she is as a person. And I say most cause... Well, you'll see

Morgana on the other hand... OH BOY, does that girl fall in love easily!

Here's a list

@phyl-the-gryffinclaw Hi!

And this is all before year 3 when she fell in love with Barnaby and stayed that way.

Talking about year 3, that was one hilarious year when taking crushes into account cause...

It was a busy year

17. WHO'S THEIR BEST FRIEND AND WHO'S THEIR WORST FRIEND? (FROM THE FRIEND LIST)

Lex's best friend is Charlie, they share their love for family, creatures and nature. And yeah, even if Lex loves ALL creatures he does think dragons are the coolest gosh darn thing in the world, so yeah they have a lot to talk about. Lex is also a hatstall with Griffindor, so they share a lot of values, and Charlie knows what to say when he gets in his rage modes.

His worst friend is probably Penny, not because they don't like each other, they just don't really click, and they never got over the awkward: Ah yeah.. You're dating my sister

Morgana's best friend is Andre. They both love Quidditch (helps that Morgana's dad plays in his favorite team) and fashion. But with that said, they have enough in common and different to balance each other pretty good, he's confident when she's insecure for starters, and can really help her a lot.

Her worst friend would probably be Jae, which is weird cause they have a great relationship... Honestly if you're not a literal villain you can't hate Morgana. But they have the least in common, and she's a prefect where he's a rule breaker, and it's really hard to disappoint Morgana, she's a very genuine pure mom friend who only wants the best for you. So she's really concerned about her son.

Mercy's best friend is... Bare with me here, Hagrid. She just freaking loves him. A gigant man that knows everything there is to know about the forrest? Sign me up! She's also one of the only people that can stand his cooking.

She's the only one that actually dislikes someone, but it was gradual. Her worst friend is Rowan, they just never clicked, he's a booksmart person while she's bookdumb (which doesn't mean she's dumb cause she's not) he plays a lot more worth in studies than Mercy and that really annoys her. But when Beatrize was crushed and he was...kinda mean to Ben, that's when she lost it. Maybe they'll like each other some day, who knows?

[missilekidding]

☄ / 🔮 / 🌐 :)

Gah I had so much fun with these! Again, so sorry I didn’t get around to them sooner, but I hope they were worth waiting for!

☄ - NewsAGoGo

To begin with I need to say that my headcanons for this wonderful lesbian are HEAVILY influenced by @neon-rat‘s NewsAGoGo tag cause that shit is SO GOOD.

- So we got our lesbian scene queen here. She’s had about four thousand different hair cuts and colours and not a single one has ever looked good, but that’s sort of the point. She is CONSTANTLY shaving bits off her head and has most of her scalp tattooed. Frequently seen in a variety of extremely ugly green, yellow or orange trench coats and totally impractical knee length boots, and manages to pull off the ‘I literally wouldn’t recognise good fashion if it punched me in the face’ look brilliantly. This is mostly because of her charisma and confidence in personally loving her own look, and besides, she is a TERRIFYING motherfucker so most runners wouldn’t have the guts to tell her they don’t like her look anyway.

- When I say shes tattooed I mean she is TATTOOED. Most of her body is covered. They aren’t generally big pieces either - a large piece on her upper arm, chest and one thigh, but otherwise covered in tons of smaller pieces, individual from each other and symbolic of vastly different things. Her favourite is probably any of the pieces her girlfriend, DJ Hot Chimp, has given her, and even if Hot Chimp wasn’t genuinely one of the best tattoo artists in the zones she would adore the fact that it’s her girl’s iconic ocean patterns that rest across her rib cage.

- She can be pretty blunt, and it often comes across as rude - she will always speak her mind and totally tends to miss the changes in conversations when people are hurt. She can also get a little heated too when she’s passionate, but also very short when she doesn’t care, so she can be a little intense for many joys to deal with. That’s not, however, to say that she is unkind. If NewsAGoGo is anything, its a good fucking friend. She is fiercely loyal to Doctor Death Defying and her friends at the radio station, and to Hot Chimp, and she easily makes up for anything mean that she may accidentally say in the passion she shows to the people she trusts.

- Before they settled either with or near Doctor D in the radio station, News, Hot Chimp, Cherri and Pony all ran together - it only lasted for about six months once they escaped the City, but it was probably the most fun any of them had. They were some of the earliest killjoys to get out, so the rules of the Zones were much less defined, meaning that setting fire to buildings for the sake of it and driving fast enough to crash every single car they found was fine - the precious nature of these things really weren’t set out or apparent, and the desire for chaos which plagues any runner fresh out of the City went uncontrolled in them.

🔮 - The Phoenix Witch

AH! My absolutely favourite character in the universe! Resident Goth Deity!

- She isn’t called the Phoenix Witch for no reason. The woman has mad power. Raising the dead and making random shit vanish type power. Mostly she takes this very seriously - a nasty side effect of prophetic visions is that she can see the role she, and others, need to play in the big picture, and so her somewhat controversial choices to raise, or not raise joys from the dead plays on her conscience a lot. It’s not clear where she got her power from other than the fact that it took her years of practise to gain it, and that the more powerful she becomes the less she seems to actually be seen.

- This then means that very few living runners have actually seen her. In the earlier days it was more common - she seemed to actually conform to the idea that having a physical form means that you had to exist somewhere at all times, so seeing her around the zones was rare, but possible. Many of those ‘joys who did see her wandering across the land however were ghosted, and those who do claim to have seen her in the later years tend to say that she can just appear at will, and so this lack of knowledge and sightings of her, paired with the frequent stories of the impossible things she can just do really gained her her status as big fucking mythical cryptid across the zones.

- Know I included this in my last Phoenix Witch headcanon post but it’s a headcanon I am willing to Die for - She is Doctor Death Defying’s twin. They were raised together and although they don’t see each other very often cause like. crazy zone happenings. they are still incredibly close and look out for each other. They also fuck around and indirectly make each other’s lives extremely difficult on purpose to piss the other one off because even if your sister is essentially a deity you can still make sure that she wakes up to her least favourite song playing on the radio once every week, and even if your brother is the most revered killjoy in the zones you can give him weird fucking intense dreams that fully convince him that yes, he is in fact a large marsupial, at two in the morning.

- Her ability to shape shift was something that kind of just happened. very suddenly. She was kind of just sitting there one day, thinking about how inconvenient it was to be a human person with like arms and legs and a torso, when suddenly she just wasn’t anymore. It was pretty surprising to say the least, to no longer have to exist in corporeal form, but both personally and practically it was pretty awesome, and after some practise she worked out how to change into a raven, which while also looking totally rad allowed her to go and sit outside Doctor D’s radio station at ungodly hours of the morning and shriek really loud before making a quick get away.

🌐 - One of my OCs

Okay lets talk Grenade. My fucking weird dumbass bitch oc. Love her.

- She has never lived in the Battery - she’s originally from around London, but when shit Went Down in the UK her family moved as far as they could - into the area that later became the zones. Her mother moved into the City in the early days but Grenade’s apprehension to follow proved pretty fucking lucky after Better Living started dropping bombs on the zones and their true nature was revealed. During this time she spent a while running with this group of aggressive dudes and trying to convince herself that she was totally straight™, but she quickly realised that this group were actually pretty awful morally, and left, later realising that girls exist and reassessing her entire world view.

-  She is pretty covered in tattoos (notice the running theme in my headcanons for most female killjoys, I’m gay sue me), with her favourite being either the snake around her forearm or the large floral pieces over her hips and thighs. Her time being a general nuisance to Dracs has proved a little detrimental to the larger pieces on her body - a particularly violent run in left most of her chest piece totally unrecognisable, but the scarring itself still has meaning to her so it doesn’t bother her too much.

- She is often seen running around under the full moon, titties out, praising the Goddess. Just cause you live in the desert doesn’t mean you can’t still do your crazy witch shit and Grenade is definitely extremely spiritual. Due to this she also makes charms for runners she meets - getting her hands on actual supplies for spell bags is hard, but she makes do with what she can find and invests a lot of time into sigil magic to make up for it.

- Her and Lithium (@neon-rat’s OC) were the first members of their group, and met shortly after Better Living stopped dropping pig bombs when the two of them ended up trying to kill the same annoying SCARECROW agent together. They got on amazingly mostly because they are both fucking batshit crazy, so the idea of spending three weeks hiding in the City and just repetitively stealing all the fruit from the previously mentioned SCARECROW agent’s house before setting it on fire was one that made perfect sense to them both. They were originally gonna call their group Dykes! but realised that DOGS, or ‘Damn, Occult Girls are Sexy’ is funnier, and sounds like it should stand for something way cooler than it does.

[glowyves]

Can you do small introductions on each loona member? Or i mean not all of them if u dont want ik theres like 27 of them but just little descriptions of what u think of em would be cute

a chance? to talk abt the loves of my life? 

heejin: you knwo that friend who like if u fuck around during the school yr and need someone to help u out w notes and getting yourself together bc u know shes always on top of her game? thats heejin. girly is an all rounder tbh she can sing dance and as much as ppl like 2 clown her for her rapping shes really not all that bad. LIKE shes just so versatile. she showed that thru mixnine which lol i didnt watch besides cuts but if u watch her performing on there and then see her performing with loona 1/3 it’s like complete opposites but she manages to shine no matter what like it’s effortless for her. shes such a sweet girl too i really do feel like theres a reason she was picked to go first bc she has such a likeable personality. shes funny, hardworking, humble (but not to the point to where she downplays her worth), and just seems like a real ride or die type of friend

hyunjin: MY BABY i hav such a soft spot for hyunjin and it’s hard not to??? she comes across as a little quiet at first and she acts like she doesnt care but she does u know she does shes not fooling anyone idc how many times shes told yeojin 2 shut up on camera i know she’d be one of the first if not THE first girl 2 be by her side (and any members side) if some shit went down. shes such a determined little thing too and when she has her eyes on something she goes for it no thinking abt it no questions asked she just does what she wants and thats something so impressive for a girl her age to be able to do. i feel like shes the type of person to just sit in the back and watch more than participate bc she doesnt mind if the other girls take the spotlight like shes such a chill, laid-back soul. i aspire to be like her. and shes so fucking funny really it’s almost criminal how hard she makes me laugh. ALSO she has the best reactions it’s a disgrace more than anything that i dont hav a folder of just her making stupid faces

haseul: the absolute love of my life? THE jo haseul?? theres a reason shes the member i latched onto the most at the beginning and ultimately kinda the member that tied me down to loona for good. like i was onboard w them from the get but it’s her that sealed the deal. i dont joke when i say she really is their guardian angel and no matter what u think of her in the comparison to the other girls u cant deny the fact that shes born leader material. she makes the other girls feel good and at-ease yknow. like she was always around vivi in the 1/3 loona tvs and u could tell it was like 2nd nature to her being by her side as vivi navigated her way through a country and language she wasnt all too familiar with. and like w/ yves for another example like yves if all facts check out was only w/ bbc for a three week period before they debuted her so obviously she wasnt familiar with any of the girls which is why she was so awkward at first. but haseul? bless her soul she did all that she could to make her feel at home. and she has such a beautiful voice i feel like not enough ppl praise her for it. also fuck yg for making her feel bad during mixnine she deserves the world and he can suck my big toe

yeojin: miss thang miss thang. what 2 say what 2 say. first things first shes a trooper. shes a baby i mean a lot of them are babies but yeojin is an actual baby baby i almost fainted when i learned how old she is. but despite her age shes so firm yknow. when shes doing things she wants to do them right to the best of her abilities and shes always striving to be better which is so admirable bc for me personally at that age i was a goddamn mess i couldnt be doing and juggling even a third of the shit she does. and shes right next to hyunjin when it comes to making me laugh shes just so loud and full of energy even 2 the point where i get tired watching her and im loud and full of energy but her being loud and being full of energy kicks my being loud and being full of energy in the ass. if any of that made sense. but theres never a dry eye in sight when shes in the room and u can tell shes such a joy 2 be around as much shit as the other girls give her lol i just feel real protective of her bc shes just so full of life and laughter and i just want her to be out here living her best life

vivi: it needs 2 be said that i have such high respect for any kpop idol who’s from another country bc theres just so much thats going against them. miss vivi is away from home away from her comfort space away from her friends and family away from a place where she can speak proficiently and fluently bc shes struggling to learn a new language and?? on top of that shes doing all the other standard idol stuff. thats some tough shit thats some scary shit but she takes it all on with a brave face and an open mind. and being able to slowly watch her build up more confidence in the language and basically everything else has been such an honor. like when im out here on my weak shit feeling sorry for myself i gotta think 2 myself what would miss vivi do? how would miss vivi tackle this? i lov this girl honestly i would die for her she does so much and i feel like not all of it is fully appreciated but she’ll have her moment i know she will and it’ll only be a matter of time before ppl see how amazing she is 

kim lip: giiiiiiiiirl. lip is such a strong person. like in all aspects. shes crazy talented it’s a little scary to think abt how much she’ll grow once they properly debut as a group and she gets more experience bc?? she just has so much going for her. her charisma is off the charts she can easily pull a crowd if her solo being a real big jumping point in spreading the loona name says anything at all. and shes such a good pick for the oec leader she definitely has those vibes like u just cant help but listen to her regardless of whatever bullshit she says and she says a lot of bullshit but do i liv by that bullshit and eat it up like shes spouting out the new testament u can bet ur ass i do. lip is definitely one of those girls that u cant help but be drawn to like u just want 2 be her bff bc once u remove her from the stage she has such girl next door vibes i feel like she’d be the type of girl u see in the club and u make small talk by the bar bc u made eye contact by accident and all of the sudden before u know it youve spent ur whole night w her and u hav her phone number and plans to meet up next week bc shes so friendly 

jinsoul: i make fun of her a lot. but w good reason: shes easy 2 make fun of. shes so quirky but not in the ironic way like shes really quirky and a bit of a walking disaster but it’s charming and she makes it work. even if shes not ur fav? shes still? kinda ur fav? even if u dont know it? if i made a list of some of my fav loona moments i assure u she’d be included in about 80% of it like shes such a staple to the group i really cant imagine her not being w them i mean i cant imagine the group w/o any of them but jinsoul especially. sometimes i watch loona vids knowing good and damn well shes not gonna be in them but i still end up thinking where is jinsoul?? bc not 2 speak for everybody (i will tho) but no one can get enough jinsoul. also her voice? i love it it’s one of my favs in not only loona but kpop in general. both speaking-wise and singing-wise. it’s just so pretty i really did astral project the first time i heard sitr & love letter. true out of body experiences 10/10 would recommend the yelp reviews are in shes 100% worth It. what is the It shes worth? idk but whatever It is .. shes worth It.

choerry: i just want her 2 be my little sister wow. miss yerim really has my heart. truly the embodiment of :) . shes so smily and has such a strong energy u cant help but like her. in every loona tv shes in shes making someone laugh or smile and it’s no coinkidink it’s bc shes really just that much of a ray of sunshine and u cant help but fall for her. give her some time i pledge w my life that once they debut she is going 2 shine on variety shows theres no way she wont. she has such good sense and shes so flexible. and if lcm is anything 2 go by shes able to switch it up and kill different concepts and sounds at the drop of a hat. def one to keep ur eye on bc u just know shes gonna go far in the future theres no way she wont she has all the tools in her arsenal to make it big no problem. does she resemble the annoying orange? yes and i’ll hate kim lip forever for putting that image in my head but that wont stop her shes truly a force to be reckoned with.

yves: my baby! u didnt hear this from me but i lov her a lot. she was kinda just thrown 2 the wolves w/ her three weeks of training i can only imagine how nerve wracking it must’ve been for her. here is an army of girls bbc has as potential loona members whove been training for years/knew the other girls who were already chosen as loona members/have even gone along for the ride with the chosen loona members to film their mvs and yet shes the one who was picked to be added after three weeks of her being w the company. three weeks !!! thats a lot of pressure but despite that she gave us everything she got. she was real nervous in the beginning anyone could tell when u watched her loona tv arc but she got over it and by the time chuu’s arc rolled around she was joking around w/ the others like it was nothing. shes so funny too but in an awkward way. like she doesnt mean to be but she says and does shit that makes u ?? and u cant help but laugh. her gig with marishe? i have never seen anything funnier like that bitch really took 100+ photos all w the same face and w the same three poses if that’s not talent idk what is. and i dont think it’s been confirmed in writing yet but shes gonna be such a good leader for the eden unit i feel it in my bones 

chuu: when i tell u my heart has skipped a beat over this girl. im not saying it 2 be dramatic im deadass. my heart has skipped a beat multiple times watching her whether it be a fancam or a loona tv or even a selfie. i’ve watched that little instagram update of her in her pig onesie more times than i want 2 disclose. her voice???? oh my god im in love with it. shes such a strong singer like STRONG and u can hear that in heart attack and girl’s talk and see saw but if u listen to her covers shes done before being introduced as a member it’s like !!!!! wow. and she makes a lot of noises. like just incoherent sounds and its so cute i could cry. like i dont have the attention span 2 sit and watch a vlive if it’s not subbed … but i’d do it for her just bc i love hearing her talk i love her voice on any and all levels u could love someones voice. and all her little mannerisms are adorable and this could really turn into me typing a whole mla formatted essay on how i find her 2 be one of the cutest girls in the world but i’ll spare u. and ofc shes not just cute like i said before this girl is talented and i cant wait for loona to grow as a group so she can be on bigger and bigger platforms for more and more ppl to hear her sing bc thats just how it should be

gowon: i lov her i lov her i lov her!! i’d do just about anything for this girl if she asked but i feel like regardless of who u are u wouldnt be able to refuse her even if u wanted to. i latch onto every word she says everything she says is gold. shes so giggly and a lot of that giggling is bc she probably feels awkward but it’s still real cute. shes also lowkey highkey gotta mouth on her like she’ll really come for ppls throats if she feels it’s necessary and thats beautiful to me. she doesnt get enough credit but as pretty as she is more attention should be focused on her talents bc she is a talented girl. her vocal tone is high and ‘cute’ but i think it melds so well w/ the other girls’ voices and theres a lot of opportunity there if and when they decide to create new sub-units/have more duet songs. and my girl can dance im tired of ppl overlooking her bc?? her pre-debut vids are a little stiff ye but theres so much potential there shes such a gem and i cant wait for her to grow more bc i know theres so much she could be doing w/ what she has

olivia hye: when she said love myself today let u go today? i felt that

[hellyeahrpmemes]

※ JENNA MARBLES SENTENCE STARTERS, PT. IX ※

here’s sentences from 10 more of jenna’s videos! feel free to change names/pronouns/zodiac signs/etc.! more jenna sentences

PANCAKE ART CHALLENGE

“I’m not very good at drawing things.”

“Yours won. Yours so won.”

“It looks like a feral cat.”

“You’re just pretending to be a chef.”

“I made your forehead in pancake form.”

“Don’t look at mine - don’t look at mine…!”

“She looks like a ghost of herself.”

“It looks like a tombstone walking a dog.”

“It looks like a can of silly string gone wrong.”

“That’s a bunny. You draw it every single time we’re at dinner and you find a crayon or a pen. That’s the one thing you know how to draw really, really well.”

“So it’s a flamethrower?”

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“I’m gonna put this on your bed tonight. On your pillow.”

“It’s an Ankylosaurus, duh.”

“Can you autograph my pancake?”

“I wonder if it tastes good.”

“It looks like a weird calculator.”

“If he can do it, we can do it, too.”

“In the end, we both lost.”

“It was a lot harder than it looks.”

CHILDHOOD STORIES

“There are some moths in my house, and I don’t really want to kill them, but they are driving me crazy. I swear to god, if they start chewing my clothes, it’s gonna be game over. I’m gonna burn this house down.”

“I have lost my mind a little bit.”

“Worship me, Pinterest.”

“I feel like I am now the queen of DIY.”

“We would just sit there, and maybe look out the window, and maybe talk to each other.”

“You really needed a friend, but I really liked to play with it alone.”

“What did you do? That looks so cool!”

“I forgot I had a rope, and I forgot this thing called friction happens, and I sawed it in half.”

“I didn’t say anything to my dad, because I knew that that would be certain death.”

“I am a really bad liar and I have a terrible poker face.”

“My brother wasn’t going to tattle on me, because he is not a snitch, and I appreciate that.”

“It was like top ten most angry moments I’ve ever seen my dad.”

“Shut up, my gerbil is not fat.”

“Dude, your gerbil is so fat.”

“It was the most disgusting thing I think I’ve ever seen.”

“Sometimes, if your mom can’t take care of you, she’s just going to eat you.”

“I took a pair of scissors, and I decided to give my cat a haircut.”

“Damn it, now the cat’s gonna get his head stuck in everything.”

“I’m fired, I quit, I’m fired.”

MY DOG CHASING A DRONE

“I got Julien a drone for his birthday.”

“He really just loves to chase it.”

“Why fight it when you can just work with it?”

“It really is completely hysterical.”

“This is what I want to watch on the Internet.”

“We love each other forever.”

“I would never do anything to put him in any sort of danger.”

“We work together to make fun things happen.”

“It’s just really cool and really amazing and I just wanted to share it with you.”

“You don’t even care, do you?”

UNPOPULAR OPINIONS

“Do you need a snack or anything? You good?”

“I think avocados are propaganda in Southern California.”

“You hate something as meaningless as an avocado, Jenna? Really?”

“If I was a ghost, I wouldn’t just help people when they needed me, I’d be there all the time.”

“What’re you doing? Cutting your nails? I’m gonna stand here and watch.”

“Are you ever truly alone? I say no.”

“Why am I turning? I hate this chair…!”

“I don’t think ghosts and/or spirits just limit their visitation hours to when you need them. I think they’re there all the time. Creeping on you.”

“I think parasailing is boring as fuck.”

“That looks intense, count me out.”

“It’s very boring. It’s not worth it.”

“Why are you so famous? It really bothers me to the core of my being.”

“I think almond butter tastes like blood. I think it’s gross, and it tastes like blood.”

“I think tonic water tastes like earwax.”

“I think that making a salad is way too much work for the end result.”

“I’m not really talented at hard manual labor, which I’m sure my grandparents would find as a character flaw.”

“I think Jenna is the best name ever. Sorry, all other names.”

“I would buy her a drink like the gentleman I am.”

“I have a landlord that says no, but I say otherwise.”

“Go check out the otters. You won’t be disappointed.”

“They’re literally just there to have a great time.”

“I mean, it’s cool to see you, man, but you seem sad.”

“I think curtains are way too expensive for what they are, and a waste of money.”

“I’d see that, like, four times in the theater.”

“I’m legitimately terrified of prescription drugs.”

“I don’t really care what anybody says. I mean, I do a little bit.”

“Think for yourself, use your own brain, it’s a fun thing to do.”

REVIEWING BAD APPS

“Guess what? This is life.”

“I think it’s funnier now that the song is two years old.”

“If I paid money for it, I’m angry about it.”

“This is the weirdest fucking app.”

“I think it’s genius. I think it’s great.”

“Does this not know that google exists?”

“Did that horse fall?”

“Is this porn? Is this porn? This feels porny.”

“This one makes me feel like I’m really there.”

“That’s pretty annoying.”

“It’s not the worst, but it’s also not not the worst.”

“One small tattoo for man, one giant leap backwards for mankind.”

“Oh my god, oh my god, that’s nightmare fuel.”

“It’s so stupid that it’s amazing.”

“Just that name is the funniest thing ever.”

“Oh, I hate this so fucking much.”

“Think of all the times you just needed a candle, but you don’t have one.”

“Whenever I find something really cool, I just tell Julien, and he never appreciates it, so I hope you appreciate it.”

GIRLS DAY

“It’s time to go.”

“This is the cutest shovel I’ve ever seen.”

“I got this on sale!”

“I feel crazy.”

JENNA’S RACHET FASHION BOUTIQUE

“I like to sew, even though I’m not very good at it. I just refuse to fail.”

“We used to have to take home economics, where you learn how to sew and cook and stuff, and, apparently, people don’t take that anymore.”

“I still am mediocre at it.”

“If shit ever went down at a zombie apocalypse, everyone’s gonna be butt-ass naked, and I’m gonna be over here, sewing, with electricity.”

“I’m just gonna try and sew myself a sick outfit.”

“I also don’t want to spend a lot of time doing this.”

“Fuck patterns, fuck all that shit, let’s just do it live.”

Everything that I sew is gonna be with navy blue and/or black thread, which, if you have a problem with, just go away now.”

“I’m gonna make a long maxi skirt, ‘cause those are overpriced.”

“I would do this drunk, but it seems really dangerous to sew drunk.”

“Something smells like burning.”

“It looks crooked, but you just pass it off as fashion.”

“Get your scissors, and cut whatever the fuck is bothering you the fuck out.”

“Backwards and forwards and backwards, it’s just like life.”

“The best way to learn is to just look at a shirt, and make it.”

“Just don’t even bother finishing anything.”

“Yes. Yes, cape, yes.”

“Somebody could have made something really nice out of this. Not me!”

“I’m literally wearing a tube of pajamas, and I love it.”

“When I was at the fabric store, I saw this, and just really couldn’t resist.”

“What lady going to a ball couldn’t fit this into her wardrobe?”

“A fun, exciting fabric to make a hat out of is denim.”

“Don’t laugh, it’s fashion!”

“If you saw this, you’d be like, that is couture.”

“I really should’ve just made my entire outfit out of this, but that’s for next time.”

“Looks great. I’m scared of you, but it looks good.”

“I feel like the outside matches the inside.”

“Yes, bitch, you fuck that outfit up.”

“Honestly, I’d wear this shirt. And this skirt.”

THINGS I WISH I COULD LIE ABOUT

“I’m also sorry. But not that sorry.”

“Most of it just stems from being terrified of authority. I’m scared of getting in trouble.”

“Whenever someone asks me for my phone number, I always give out my real phone number. I can never lie and give them a fake number.”

“I’m terrified of having that confrontation.”

“Yeah, I got it really wet. It’s soaking wet. Just fully submerged in water. It’s wet.”

“I just wish that I could lie, but I feel too bad, I have to tell the truth.”

“I could’ve saved myself a lot of money with just a couple lies.”

“Their dogs are not therapy dogs, and you can tell.”

“I know for a fact that, by saying yes to that question, I’m just gonna get a lecture for the next ten minutes.”

“I don’t need to hear the lecture. I know the lecture.”

“Eggplant? Ew! The fuck is wrong with — my god, no…!”

“I don’t need to violently argue with someone when they say they don’t like something.”

“I can never, ever, ever lie to a police officer or a cop, ever.”

“I wasn’t speeding that much, but I was definitely speeding.”

“I was listening to R. Kelly’s World’s Greatest, and it was just getting me so hyped up that I just, I went so fast, I didn’t realize how fast I was going.”

“He gave me a $300 speeding ticket.”

“That started the ‘do not play’ list in the car.”

“You’re singing with your eyes closed, which is not good for driving, at all.”

“I think this is a good look. I think we should make this a thing.”

“Some of you guys are fuckin lying.”

HOW I TALK TO PEOPLE AT PARTIES

“Oh my god, how’s it going? So good to see you!”

“Hey, thanks, I’m a catch.”

“It’s a conversation, we should listen.”

“I don’t wanna listen…”

“I’m gonna use my eyes and pretend I’m listening.”

“She just asked us a question — did you hear what she asked us?”

“So how’s, uh… how’s what’s his face?”

“I just don’t want her to tell the tree story again.”

“One time, I was climbing this tree in my backyard…”

“She can smell your fear, you know.”

“I can smell time. It’s 11:30.”

“I can rap. Quadruple threat.”

“Did you watch the baseball game the other night?”

“Are we drunk?”

“This is bad, we shouldn’t have said that, why did we say that?”

“Hey, we should get this pierced.”

“Do you feel like breaking something?”

“I really love you so much.”

“She’s already drunk ‘I love you’-ing.”

“At least she didn’t make any drunk plans yet.”

“We are not going to remember that. Not at all.”

“What do you think happens when you put a ton of lettuce into a woodchipper?”

“I fucking hate you guys. You guys are idiots.”

“My brain is a terrifying prison.”

WHAT’S IN MY MOUTH CHALLENGE

“Why are you laughing already? Stop laughing.”

“You put the heel of my boot in my mouth? What are you, insane?”

“This touches the ground?”

“I was mad, sorry.”

“No, this is not going to turn into you solving a Rubik’s cube.”

“Who makes appointments a year in advance? I do.”

“This is my inhaler, you asshole!”

“Did you just say scoff?”

“You sinus-blasted me?!”

“Do you have any idea the mental preparation you need to have before you take one of those!?”

“As soon as it hit my tongue, I knew I was fucked.”

“Open up, we are playing a game.”

“Julien, my mouth tastes like Christmas tree!”

“Oh my god, what the fuck is that? It’s wet…”

“Open up all the way.”

“You put yeast in my mouth. That was fucked up.”

“Wow… I hate you.”

[hgfstreamchats]

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Hello! Hello there! Has it started?  I'm not getting a picture Kast, just once. Just. ONCE. Let me try leaving and coming back Kast, really... I despise Kast a little more every week. It is working hard to cement its place as the worst. Oh, there you are!  And there it is! Had to reload. Aha! Can't start streaming until we solve the Kast Sphynx's Weekly Riddle. Right? If it were easy, then surely it would not be worth the doing. They are preparing for rain. That's how we prepare for rain. Complete with song. I prefer to skip the song for obvious reasons. Wow, six whole dollars I prefer ours to their version. It has numerous allusions to optics being burned out. Oh dear. So--this takes place before the christmas one, right? Possibly? Is there a whole series of Grinch movies? Probably? A Grinch multiverse?

I hate him already. That poor dog. Is that dog's thoughts singing at us? ...Actually I think it is Dear Unicron. And the grinch can read his mind? Purely for the sake of emotionally abusing him. I feel sorrier for the dog than for all the Whos put together. Likewise. ...So THAT'S what that's from! That flower was probably sentient. We can only hope. Ha, ha. Well, he's very dead. I feel that the Grinch is not the problem with this night. This night is full of problems and he's the least severe of them. Oh, an idiot. Ha. Burn. Well, that...annoyed everyone for about 15 seconds? As haunted eyebrows do. Truly villainous. I guess the wind's died down at least ...Well, Euchariah, that's certainly one way to slow down the Grinch! Oh my god That sure did happen He saves the town but no one ever talks about how. As well they mightn't. Why does his cart thing do that So he slips the child a hallucinagen. The jump cuts imply there's some kind of a Jaunt situation going on and that's the most horrifying part. Mmmmaybe? In all credit I would have long since turned the ground into a euphemism. Then he destroys the town out of spite. Is there some reason he CAN'T? Or at the very least, stabs Euchariah. Good for him! All he wanted to do was torment the citizens. And now he has no dog. He should do it anyway. It'll pack more of a punch because they won't be expecting it. He was abusing that dog, he doesn't deserve him This is why it is imprudent to let wind decide when one comes to destroy town. Starting off on an ambitious note, aren't we? It's such frightening shuffling noises. Eugh Lovely. Yes, we get it, you're proud of your props Great, keep focusing on that. Soak it in. Hah! Whose call was it to bring him? What a delightful conversationalist. "Absolutely!" When has picking up a hitchhiker ever worked out for anyone? Did the sound just cut out? Oh, there it is "Spare no detail." Man, picking him up was a GREAT choice. These two are clearly meant for each other. I bet this isn't some kind of foreshadowing. . . . . Now he has a knife. "And THAT, kids, is how I met your father." Ha! What a great sign Do not have dinner with them. The dinner is people. The dinner can't be anything but people. Even if this wasn't a movie about murderers, it would be unwise to eat with him. Clearly Best case scenario, everyone comes down with hepatitis. Jesus. He is having a day. You're going to want to rinse that out with fire. They sell barbecue and tetanus shots, happily enough. How can it be made any clearer that this is a terrible place to be? Maybe abandon this one here too. See? Someone's smitten. Hah! "Do you think that hitchhiker ever sticks needles in himself?" Oh my Unicron, I was *kidding.* You should know better. Never kid. The Blair witch is in there somewhere. And even she's looking for places elsewhere. This is all just such a great idea This is one long sensible decision. What likable meat sacks. Now, how can this possibly end in any way other than well? what a great thing to find. Really, dude Let's not run from any of this. This was so avoidable The road to this was lined with red flags and you blew past every one of them. What house doesn't have a bone and chicken room? Y...yeah. More sitting and not running! Excellent plan! She has to show us all the lovely props. The Texas Chainsaw Props, Props, Props. The only thing massacred was the props budget. Hah! He should not be running that inside. That's how one asphixiates. Safety first! "D...Did you really?~" "and two of us have been murdered by a maniac already" To be fair, I think a chainsaw is the appropriate way to deal with tresspassers. It keeps happening. An actual meat cooler. That's more sanitary than I expected. That's the face of someone who really doesn't know how teenagers keep getting into his house. He's not even a serial killer, he just keeps panicking. Yes, run towards the light. Surely the person chasing you does not live in this remote location. And be sure to scream the whole way, just so he can't lose track of you over the roar of his chainsaw. It's not as if it's a dark night, and he has no flashlight to search the woods with. Ugh Whoops, almost slipped away quietly there! He's awfully sprightly for a hulking human wearing a mask and wielding a chainsaw. He's been working out. Oh, she's never going to be alright. Yyyyeah. ..... His claim is suspicious Oh, I'm a terrible mech for laughing. But it's hilarious. Smack smack smack. Gentle broom swatting, like she were an unruly cat. Smackity smack, get in the sack! The sack that doesn't even cover her properly. He just keeps poking her. And I keep laughing! Swat him with the broom! For the love of the Allspark, just take the broom to every character in this movie. It would make this a lot more interesting. They are also inviting her to escape, but not just killing her now. More pokes. Texas Broomhandle Pokings. They even show displeasure the same way. Truly ships passing in the night. "Take it easy, we're just going to force-feed you your friends, probably" "With more broomhandle poking to follow." It's so sloppy. And potentially a waste of meat. Oh god ...Oh, apparently they really cut her in that scene! Lovely! Euuuugh Grandpa is loving it. Good day for grandpa. What a lovely family. It's a comedy of failures. Every time he misses, this gets a little funnier. The screaming took all night long. They could have driven away. ...Why did they get out instead of driving away Excellent question. Think of all the expensive therapy she'll need. That... sure was a thing I hear it is a classic. It was certainly was something. I also hear that some of the sequels are ridiculously stupid. Any idea of which one is the stupidest? Ah, give me a moment. Texas chainsaw three. Three it is! Apparently so bad, the actors petitioned to keep it from ever being released. I like the sound of that! "Their friends. who have no names, or families." Ugh. Charming. Ah, I was mistaken. Texas Chainsaw 4 is even dumber. Onto 4, then! It involves the prom. Always with the prom. Can it be a bad horror franchise without the prom? Oh christ Pity he isn't going to be chainsawed. A tragedy. Does HE at least die? I hope so. I hope his organs end up on the ground. Who *Are* these people? Are we *supposed* to be invested in their survival? I don't think we are. We cannot be meant to care about them. Who needs a flashlight in the incredibly well lit woods? Probably just... the wind. Is she related to Boltgun Wheelsaround from the first movie? that sure was necessary . . . It's like a fever dream. Nothing makes much sense. ugh He could try not running directly down the road. Nothing about this makes any kind of sense. Is this even Texas? Does it make a difference? It would be one more wrong thing to add to the pile. Didn't these movies used to have chainsaws in them? Now it's just plastic bags. How ever will she see with those flood lights in the background? This couldn't have less to do with Texas, chainsaws, or massacres. They did remember to have the screaming though. Ugh "Now you stay put!" A freezer lock would not go amiss. What is the wager that there won't be a single chainsaw in this? Apparently they didn't feel the need for them. The dumbest humans who ever lived. She sounds vaguely annoyed. And that's it. There's one! Finally! When we've got a whole... one person left to possibly massacre with it. The fool, he cut their cable line. Now what will they watch in the evenings? Did he even stop to consider that? This is only half over? It just keeps happening. Oh joy. Also, it is going to get stupider. Less fun than the broom. Bring back the broom! Stick poking, 2.0 This is dreadful and not nearly enough chainsaws. You're not wrong. I don't think this has any redeemable qualities It's the Illuminati. How does this keep getting worse? There may have been a mountain of cocaine involved in the making of this. Also, one day you will learn not to ask me for terrible sequels. I'll learn nothing. Then this will keep happening. It's the way of things. I find myself missing the grandpa who couldn't hold a hammer. He at least was quiet. Ah, quiet. I remember quiet. Ah, but there will be no quiet. Never again. Grandpa is escaping. Ah good. It's those Illuminati they talked about. I feel like *I've* been struck several times in the head with a hammer. And yet it is note done yet. Getting closer Horror. The only sympathetic victim here is us. Why is a remote leg battle a plot relevant thing? Not that I subscribe or much care for human gender norms, but did they ever...explain why Leatherface is wearing a wig and a dress? He wanted to be pretty today. Ah! Well, that's one mystery solved! So many, many more to go. Oh. My. Unicron. I was hoping it would inexplicably explode. It *is* a rather nice dress on him. . . . . It is the only nice thing in the whole of this film. What. I would have rather watched Leatherface try on outfits for an hour and a half. Oh look. The girl from the first movie. What a lovely little nonsensical note to end on. Oh, thank the Core. Not before time, either Wrong link. Curious. No, this looks good ... Pay no mind to the song Breakdown and I may or may not have fragged to. Is this an SNL sketch "Foot" It isn't! I find it more repugnant than the chicken and bone room. What did we ever do to you Five long minutes listening to this song. What felt like five long years watching that sequel. Ha! True. Though you did not bail on it, like you did Book of Shadows. It's true. It didn't break me like Book of Shadows. I don't think bacon bits belong in a drink. I agree. Agreed. Well, unless someone's got something that begs to be shared, that about concludes it! I think we have suffered my suggestions enough. I've got nothing Are you planning on streaming on Halloween? The night before! Good to know! I've got something good lined up. Ah, excellent! I shall attempt to attend! Though another commitment may make me too late. Not to worry if it does! I'm looking at that "good" very suspiciously. In the meantime, good night and thank you for coming! Goodnight, and thanks for hosting! Good night, and thank you for streaming this nonsense once again! Always!

[breegullbeakreviews]

Summary: When Hat Kid’s collection of magical time pieces ends up strewn across a planet full of deplorable begins, she’ll set out of a quest to take back these powerful pieces before they fall into the wrong hands in a 3D platforming adventure.

Overall: A Hat in Time is a fantastic love letter to the 3D Platformers of old. It’s full of fresh ideas and unlike many other attempts to bring back the genre this year, it knows what worked and what didn’t about the genre and accounted for it. At $30 it’s the best 3D platformer on the PS4 and Xbox One(Banjo Kazooie excluded) and is totally worth the price tag.

*Like with Yooka Laylee, I was a Kick Starter backer of the project backing at the $70 tier and spending an extra $20 to get a PS4 code. 

Controls: While inspired by classics like Banjo Kazooie and Super Mario 64, Hat Kid’s moveset is not particular inspired by either. Hat Kid has no triple jump, but she can do a second jump while in the air as well as a dive. Unlike either the bear, the bird, or the former plumber, Hat Kid will run up a wall when she hits one while not diving and in the air. This allows for some interesting platforming. Instead of always jumping straight across platforms occasionally you’ll need to drop under a barricade, dive and then run up the wall instead.

Hat kid can dive at foes while airborne with a homing attack, but she’ll also get a melee attack early on. Hat kid’s main quirk is her collection of unlockable hats. I don’t want to spoil them all as they’re a lot of fun, but her starting hat will show you your objective when you press L2 or its equivalent on your platform of choice. The first two hats you’ll unlock all for faster movement and a throw able explosive. Switching between hats is rather funny as a gimmick in a world post Odyssey, but this gimmick was planned well in advance of Mario’s return to open world adventures.

Hub: Hat Kid’s ship is a nice hub. It feels like a functional place and it’s just large enough to hold the games 4 chapters and the final showdown. The biggest issue for me is a nitpick, but its shape from the outside is pretty ugly. It isn’t seen from the outside outside of cut scenes, but when it is it’s not a particularly flattering design. Inside is what counts though and while not massive and as memorable as the classics, small and simple works a lot better than Mario’s lack thereof and Yooka Laylee’s mess.

Time Rifts/Customization/Relics: These next three things all are pretty linked. Time Rifts are A Hat in Time’s equivalent to Super Mario Sunshine’s Bonus stages. Hell they even have similar rotating blocks with pegs coming out. You are never stripped of powers when entering these, but four of these are extra special. Before I touch on those we need to cover the Relics. Hidden throughout the game are presents holding Relics and after all of those are collected they hold Rift coins, but we’ll get back to those. These Relics can be combined on platforms in the proper order to not only decorate the Hub, but they’ll also unlock an extra Rift for each chapter.

These Rifts are based around the chapters theme and are much longer. In these as opposed to just reaching the end of the rift, you’ll need to collect special tickets in each area and enough special pons to open the next area as you make your way to the end. These help break up the game as they are the few moments where the game can ignore how a challenge fits into the chapter’s world design and go nuts.

Back to those coins. When you complete a rift or spend three of those coins you get new to spin for new color schemes for Hat kid’s outfit or different appearances for the game’s hats. You get 3 spins each time but you can only take one things. Basically you spin, take what you got or spin again and give up that item unless you roll it again. I have no idea if you can get every customization option in the game, but you can’t spend money to get more coins so I’m fine with this system. I wish it was just the different hats though. I preferred those to the color scheme changes.

Mafia Town: Way back in the day A Hat in Time was sold to me on just this chapter and the promise of a return of 3D Platforming. Mafia Town is the first of four chapters in the game, and it’s incredible how it feels lived in and is still fun to explore. As part of the games narrative you are locked to this chapter for its first four acts before you can head out and explore the other chapters. The fourth act here really set’s the story in motion and is home to the game’s first real boss fight. Despite the game being a 3D platformer, this boss is fought in 2D and I’m not sure what to think about it. It’s a strange fight fitting of the Mafia’s strange vibe, but I’m not a fan of being locked to a 2D plane for just this segment. Maybe if it was used prior it would work better, but as is it’s an okay fight.

The chapter itself is a seas side town built around a volcano shaped geyser that keeps the Mafia bosses club floating high in the sky. Due to the slope of the geyser’s sides, the town has multiple levels of height you’ll be running between as you explore. Oh and the town is run and lived in solely by the Mafia who outside their leader all look the same. The chapter is super sparse on foes. The Mafia won’t attack unless provoked or tied into the act itself. Outside that you’re pretty safe outside fall damage and the strange sleepy raccoons. If this chapter has one issue it’s that due to the vertical nature of the town I never really got a lay of the land. This is an issue for most of the chapters, but unlike others, this one has a single distinct theme throughout so I can’t say I’m in this part of the map and over there is that part of the map very easily.

Dead Bird Studios: Somehow the chapter that feels the least inspired by classic 3D Platformers is my favorite. Dead Bird Studios is home to stealth segments, timed segments, and a conga line of enemies that forces you to keep moving and not double back too quickly. Pretty much all of these are aspects of Super Mario Galaxy which makes this whole thing even funnier since this chapter is set on the moon, despite never being seen. What makes this chapter so great is that every one of these elements is one and done all leading up to what is now one of my favorite boss fights ever. It is perfectly built to and I absolutely refuse to spoil, but it’s safe to say the developers of A Hat in Time are super cynical of the Cinematic Studio System.

Dead Bird Studios starts with Hat kids trying to steal back her Time pieces from the competing directors who plan to use them as props for their upcoming motion pictures. When she is caught she is instead offered to star in the films of two competing directors. From there each act is a movie with its own gimmick. All of these are super linear, but what makes it work is that none of them play the same and none of these gimmicks leave this chapter. All of these fun things are one and done so they never get old.

Subcon Forest: Of all of the chapters, Subcon Forest is the most generic, but how it handles the basic theme of spooky level is done really well. As the first act begins you are quickly forced to make a deal with the Snatcher, a spooky spirit. In exchange for your soul he’ll let you explore his woods as long as you complete tasks for him. While most spooky levels dance around the morbid nature of things, this chapter doesn’t shy away from the darker concepts at play. Magical nooses hang in the woods. The spirts in the woods want to die. It’s a strange setting.

The design of the forest itself is split into distinct areas. Each is key for at least one of the acts, but all of them can be reached from anyone act, except for the boss fight area which is only reachable when needed. This allows for each act to feel distinct. The most annoying part of the chapter is trying to find your way around. While everything is distinct I still never got a sense of which area was next to what other area outside a super select few. Luckily the game will start you facing the right direction and from there the path is pretty obvious. Good luck finding those rifts through.

The star of the show here is the Snatcher. He’s you pretty basic deal making devil but he’s played for laughs in such a way that while he would be terrifying to actually meet in reality, in this games setting he’s silly. He’s always smiling and he’s built like an inflatable tube man. Sadly his boss fight sucks. Because of how it’s built when you die it takes a long time to get back to the point in which you can actually damage him. It also doesn’t help that his attacks are all pretty random and similar enough that knowing how to dodge them doesn’t help much since where things will land is hard to pin down. Also no health was dispensed the whole fight. Snatcher takes the least hits of all the bosses, but he’s the least balanced of these bosses regardless. I’d rather have a lengthy but forgiving fight than a short and insane one.

Alpine Skyline: You know who up until now each chapter was divided into acts? Throw that out the window. This last level is entirely free roam. Hold your goats, it’s not a giant open mountain. The map is made up of various mountain peaks that you’ll zip line between. It’s pretty linear in nature, but you’ll get to choose which of the four acts you’ll tackle first. The Finale sadly can’t be redone due to how it twists the map, but it’s not particularly strong so no huge loss. The acts here are super fun. Twilight Bell and The Windmill are awesome platforming challenges that put your use of hats and platforming to the test. It’s puzzle platforming at its finest.

I’m honestly not sure what else I can say about the penultimate chapter. There is no boss fight and it’s where you obtain the game’s final and arguably game breaking hat. The setting itself is pretty underused and is pretty much just fluff to connect the four harder acts together but those acts are so good it all works out in the end.

Time’s End: The game ends with a final Bowser Castle style level leading into a final boss battle against Mustache girl who after learning that you wouldn’t use the Time Pieces to stop the bad guys decided to use the time pieces to become the judge of who is and isn’t bad. The final battle has Hat kid getting aided by all of the games baddies who just want things to go back to the way they were. It’s a fun final battle that was made super easy by the inclusion of the game’s final hat. I appreciate the interstitial cut scenes that occur throughout that remind me of the good old Paper Mario games.

The course itself is pretty challenging. I’d be lying if I said I got through it unscathed. The whole evil castle above lava is pretty generic, but as a love letter to the 3D platformers of old it’s fine. I think creating some sort of crazy place outside of time would have fit the theme of the game more, but what matters in the end is what’s inside, and what is inside the castle is good.

Story: I mean I pretty much covered the story back there. Hat kid’s time pieces get scattered on this planet. She lands in Mafia town and Mustache girl helps her out until she learns about the power of the pieces and that Hat kid doesn’t want to use the power to stop bad guys. From here you just sort of play the game until you get enough time pieces and Mustache girl comes and steals them triggering the unlocking of the final battle where the above events transpire. It’s a sappy story about power corrupting and that messing with time is bad. It’s a lot more effort than I expected out of this and it left me with a smile on my face.

[someonetotaketheedgeoff-blog]

22.08.2017 – Journal; Don’t Fuck Where You Eat, Work, Tasmania & Friday Night Open Mics

Don’t Fuck Where You Eat

Like life relationships become stale. You run out of motivation to push forward. Everything becomes boring. You suck each other dry. Maybe you only have so much ‘intimate’ love. You eventually annoy each other.

We love our parents and siblings but fuck they can annoy you. I think it’s hard to live with anyone unless you can fuck them to relieve the tension of living together - it’s why it sucks to live with your parents.

I lay under the table. She lay next to me. The laptop on the table playing music. I lay awkwardly, back to the couch. Bit of crying, bit of talking. Playing the same song over and over. Being sad and stoned is weird. Like being sad in slow motion. You think of drugs as a short cut to happiness but then when something jarringly sad happens during the high it amplifies the pain.

‘Please don’t kiss or fuck my best friend/roommate now we aren’t together’. I said.

‘…We… We… don’t do that much anymore… we don’t do that much anyway…’. She said.

Bad answer. Bad opener. Bad closer.

It’s just courteous - don’t fuck where you eat.

I joked that I could trade rooms with my roommate/best friend and we’ll go about life like nothing happened. Then I joked that I’ll just kill myself and he can move in to make things less awkward.

All of this is better I think. I can be a much better friend to her than a lover. Sexually I’m so fucked up and haven’t wanted to fuck her for ages anyway. Which depresses the fuck out of me because she’s very beautiful.

Maybe we spent too much time together.

After 6 months of fucking and spending time together secretly, then agreeing to be together we’ve spent nearly every day together for the last 3.5 years. Days and nights. Mostly it’s been great. Never really had a fight - argued of course. Never any intense disagreements.

After the break up I decided to have a short break from stand up – it wasn’t 100% because I was sad. I just didn’t have any jokes about the break up. Didn’t do stand up for about 3 weeks. In that time, I could feel myself becoming more and more full of shit. Saying things that I didn’t fully agree with and feeling fraudulent - you need stand up to kick you in your teeth.

Most people’s lives, mine included, are about avoiding failure. Trying to build a comfortable space for yourself. Stand up, if you’re trying, you’ll fail at it. You’ll eat shit and bomb but that’s a good thing. I learn more and more that you should shower yourself in failure. Find new ways to fail. Find innovative ways to get crushed, let days pass, have a wank in the shower and get back out there. The less bombing hurts you the better you’ll be. Just get back on that horse. That dead fucking horse. Stand up - the most brutal of the arts; sky diving for theatre kids and painters.

I went busking a few times when I was 16 at Salamanca market in Hobart. A great market, mostly for tourists on Saturdays. My parents were overly supportive, buying me a camping stool to sit on while I played guitar and my mum telling everyone she knew that I was busking.

It was before I sang. So, I just played guitar. I played Jazz standards on a steel string with no amplification. No one’d really be able to hear me over the noise of the market. I was super nervous and would play for only 40 minutes, making measly change.

I remember going once. I’d sat down after moving to a new area thinking it’d be more lucrative. I played for 5 minutes and my entire family turned up, their faces irritatingly beaming. As they walked closer and leaned over the guitar case I watched their faces lose their excitement as they all looked at one singular $2 coin.

My dad said something to the effect of – ‘Is that all you’ve made?’.

It paints a perfect picture of the arts. We all do it - when we walk past a busker. You try not to let them see as they play their shit cover of Wonderwall but you’re looking at their guitar case – your looking to see their worth.

When you talk about doing stand-up people ask if you make money. It doesn’t annoy me but when you say you don’t they look at you slightly less enthusiastically - it’s annoying.

I see it the same as studying. It takes years to become a practising lawyer but no one’s ever going to ask if you get paid while you’re studying to be one. It’s ridiculous to think anyone would make money out of an unconventional skill off the bat but I guess it’s how the world sees shit.

***

Walking through the city midday. Windy as fuck but the air had a warm comforting quality. I listened to Homebrew in my headphones and walked towards Flinders St. station. My bottom jaw lightly clenched in a smile that I couldn’t stop. The I-just-got-laid-smile.

Melbourne’s really an insanely colourful place. Crossing the road, a guy walked towards me from the other side. He looked rough and angry. He held a Buzz Lightyear action figure in one hand and angrily muttering aggressive shit to Buzz as we walked past.

I thought about last night as I slurped udon noodles. Did karaoke for the first time. Sang Radiohead’s Creep as hard as I could to a bar of strangers. A blokey dude slapped me on the arse when I finished – ‘Mate, bloody beautiful!’ he slurred.  

Work

At work, I filled up a tray of drinks and went to the foyer - 4 of us lined up in a row aligned with the entrance so guests could grab drinks as they came in. I was third along so fuck all people took my drinks.

Holding the tray quickly became utterly painful. I have OK arm strength but combined with maintaining balance it became increasingly brutal. I looked at the glasses. Maybe this is what hell is? You hold a tray of glasses in a lobby that no one ever drinks as you uncomfortably sweat into a white button up shirt.

Working this job (catering for weddings and events), you get to experience a lot of inner worlds that you wouldn’t usually see. Rich people, cultural weddings, people that take themselves very seriously. Working a charity fundraiser for super rich white people I took gluten free bread to a table. It was for a guy named ‘Theo’. I asked if there was a Theo on the table. An old grey dude was like - ‘a CEO?’. How corporate do you have to be to think I meant to say ‘CEO’. Struth.  

When I started this job, it was kinda brutal when you made mistakes. People of more authority would shred you verbally. To deal with this I pretended I was into being dominated in that way - that secretly I’m getting some sort of sexual satisfaction. So, I win.

After work. Sipping some decent champagne sitting at a desk covered in pens, an upper staff member, a predatorial gay dude, fiddled around in his suit jacket on the back of his chair. He walked a few steps over to where we sat, shuffling a wad of $50 notes like he was about to do a card trick.

‘Alright let’s see who’s got the biggest cock…?’ He said.

Light pause then a ripple of laughter. Funnier because he was serious. We sipped and sat uncomfortably. The conversation gained momentum again, ignoring what was said. Like a cyclist that’d fallen over, painfully getting back on their bike and pushing forward. I love the forwardness of gay dudes.

***

Depression’s inherently selfish but also a natural reaction to reality. The world we live in, the existence you’re dealt, a body so plagued with desires, the impossible grind for happiness, the potential for bad shit to happen all the time.

Hard to say whether it’s a half empty glass or half full when the glass doesn’t exist - or filled with tears.

When I feel positive or make myself feel positive I feel like a fraud, a fake, a liar because I can’t help believing everything’s fucked. When I commit to being negative I ultimately feel worse, I justify bad behaviour, I take more drugs, I neglect my friends, I drain people, I don’t follow my dreams.

Depression’s basically a mindset you can’t see a way out of. A narrowing of your mental peripherals. It’s a justifiable response to reality so it can be an effort to heave yourself out. Actual clinical depression’s quite rare I imagine. But every second person I know is on pills. Makes you wonder what the fuck is going on? What happened? Did life suddenly become shit? No, they just created a pill that makes you not notice – true virtual reality.

Everything’s work. Nothing comes for free - especially not a good mental state. When you see someone happy – they worked for that shit. Or maybe they paid for it. If you know them well and they’re smart and aware - the harder they worked for their happiness. When you see someone happy all the time and you’re a miserable cunt you either look at them and think what a blissful dumb fuck or you wonder what they know that you don’t.

All my heroes were/are depressed, dry, cranky, alcoholic, drug riddled motherfuckers.

I’m thinking about being depressed for a while. Just casually. Maybe part time. Never go full time depressed though – the hours will kill you.

Tasmania

Went to Tasmania for 6 days. Just to hang out really. See my friends. I drank nearly every day and chain-smoked like an animal. I had a many great conversations. I saw a lot of people. Did a gig. Went to the yoga with my sister. Went to Hobart’s infamous basement of sweat, Cascade Larger and chlamydia - Mobius night club.

Tasmania’s small. If you’ve grown up there – going out drinking becomes like this unwanted school reunion – in fact everywhere becomes an unwanted school reunion. Living there you get very good at clocking people from a distance and ignoring them in the mall. It’s not even because you don’t want to see them. It’s just tedious when you’re trying to buy bread and see 7 people from grade 4 in the process.

Coming back, I welcomed this. It’s taxing when you live there but visiting I embraced it. Getting off the bus in the city I walked around aimlessly knowing I’d see people I knew. I saw 4 people I knew. We punched darts under a bus shelter in the wet air and talked shit – it was beautiful.

The gig I did in Tassie went well.

After the gig, I stood outside smoking with friends. An intense dude wearing a trench coat and a child’s backpack walked around the court yard. We watched him disappear into the bushes and return to give everyone a rock he’d found.

‘One for you there mate…’.

‘One for you, one for you…’.

‘…Ah and one for the lady…’.

Even when it’s not an open mic mental illness inevitably gravitates to comedy.

My friend with zero streets smarts and/or awareness of reality jokingly told the guy to throw one of the rocks through the window of the bar.

‘No. Don’t do that’. I said firmly, stepping forward.

‘What the fuck are you saying man?’. I asked. ‘The guys obviously high as fuck… Jesus fucking Christ’.

My friend just laughed and shrugged it off.

After I’d performed the same friend came up me to me.

‘You did really well… I see a man that no longer cares about his own happiness only his success’. He said.

I didn’t know how to answer that. I paused for a bit.

‘My happiness comes from being honest on stage… If that brings me success then… great… I still care about my happiness though man…’.

Coming back on the plane, I got on the train home. Looking out the window I played back a montage of all the goodbye hugs that I’d had in Tassie. It made my eyes water and gave an intense feeling of optimism – A rarity to me in the past months.

Friday Night Open Mics

Sitting in the front row of a Friday night open mic waiting to go on.

I sat there overthinking everything. Thinking about the history of stand up and all my favourite comedians. Going through my set in my head. Re-wording a bit in my mind – a bit where I shit on a dude that looked like a dude sitting behind me in the audience. I changed my description to something that wouldn’t create attention.

I over thought everything until my tension plateaued and I felt calm. A calm I used to feel doing comedy in Tasmania. It felt good and my set went OK.

I missed out a bit about breaking up with my girlfriend. The bit leading into it talked about using my girlfriend’s vibrator to fuck myself while she’d been away. I forgot the bit so it seemed like I still had a girlfriend.

The MC got back up.

‘Liam Donnelly everyone!’. People clapped. ‘… He shouldn’t fuck his arsehole… He doesn’t even have a girlfriend! Hack!’. He said.

I laughed somewhat sheepishly.

I knew he had no idea if I had a girlfriend or not but my mind spun. Does he know? How does he know? Does he read my shit? Na he’s just ripping shreds. Surely.

Hours later into the morning I smoked on Flinders St. steps. A woman with a face like a clenched fist comes by and sweetly asks for a spare smoke. I smiled and said I didn’t have any.

I watched a young couple across from me sitting on a cube of concrete. They smoked and smiled. Usually after a break up seeing couples is a sad reminder of what you don’t have anymore. But I felt nothing watching them. Wasn’t bitter or sad. The idea of ‘being’ with someone now seems strange to me. Like a hobby I don’t understand. Like windsurfing or cheerleading.

Maybe it’s because I don’t feel lonely. If I felt lonely I’d be fucked.

I fell in and out of sleep on the replacement bus. Dangerous thing to do. Could wake up anywhere, be completely fucked and be forced to Uber home.

My head pounded so hard when I got home. 2 ibuprofens, protein shaker full of water, 1 reluctant cigarette and a wank for desert. Phone on 9% - enough for a wank. My head pounded so hard I had to grip my forehead with my free hand to stop it throbbing.

I spend so much time drunk. Why? Am I bored or scared of my own brain?

I don’t know if you can be creative for your whole like and be happy.