#this most recent deadline was out of my control tho.

[compacflt]

I am sad you are leaving this blog but I want to squeeze in a question. You are a very natural writer and make it look so easy. I was curious if you use a beta reader for your work?

Hi ❤️ i do not, which is why my fics are so stupidly long😕 i have “can’t kill my darlings” syndrome, i have way too much to say and i don’t know how to prioritize what it is i want to say, so i say EVERYTHING. i genuinely believe my fics would be sooo much better if they were edited by someone else. someone who isn’t afraid to look at a scene/sentence and say “that’s stupid as fuck/not as successful as u want it to be, cut it.” im still in the process of editing so liiiiike if you have any issues with my fics literally just dm me to tell me what’s dumb/not working & what i should cut, it would actually be sooo helpful (you can ignore this most recent fic bc the whole point of that was stuff that would’ve been cut anyway lol)

i would have loved a beta reader but … you know me, i am so shit at time management and deadlines that 1.) i never had time for a beta reader because i am always over deadline by the time i finish a fic draft (like the slider one shot, which i said i would post last November and actually posted in April, 5 mo later)

and 2.) i never share ACTUAL wips with anyone, not even on wednesdays. My wip wednesdays are, and always have been, a total sham. most of my wips usually look like this

right up until like the week before i post them. like EVERY SINGLE scene looks like this, incomprehensible to anyone except me with my little delusions in my head, until i pull a few all- nighters and brute-force the transitions and the actions into place. so like i can’t share a real draft with anyone until (in my opinion) it’s basically passable enough to be a final draft anyway, especially for fanfic, like, my standards Are lower for “good enough” when it comes to fanfic. Above ⬆️ becomes below⬇️. obviously this ⬇️ isn’t perfect and will still need a final pass edit but it’s 🤷🏽‍♀️ good enough

what i really need a beta for is to tell me, in no uncertain terms, if this level of detail/the existence of this scene itself is actually ever warranted. lol.

3.) as previously mentioned i can’t hold a deadline/reply to messages on time to save my life so any beta would absolutely despise working with me i fear

[shiningmystic]

hey so recently for the past week or so ive had consistant dreams of being watched followed and in some cases chased and hunted usually the perpetrator is someone i dont recognise ie: hes wearing a mask or some type of suit or disguise but its still the unsettling feeling ive had whenever i try to recall said dreams and i still remember tidbits of them. so i wondered then if it really related to me in my waking life or if it was someone trying to warn me of their personal experiences? or was spirit just trying to show me what i should watch out for? i really dont know with this

for example the first dream was my younger self being chased with a guy holding a knife i hid behind a brown leather couch and covered meself and hid behind like a corner of a wall and cause i was small or much younger in this dream its like he was looking for me but couldnt see me for whatever reason same with the lion dream i had awhile ago where an aggressive lion was looking for me but couldnt see me directly even if i was in sight the lion could not get to me even if it tried too. and a few others like that sometimes its had ppl i know in it like an uncle or ex friend who would be directly looking at me whilst in an elevator again no idea wtf that was about. soddy for rambling but yh mad times innit tho?

Hey friend wow, I love interpreting dreams how did you know? (if your an old follower hello)

Well from what I have learned usually 'chasing' dreams can represent an anxiety or fear in waking life, even just stress. Our subconscious is always tapped into Spirit so you may be right. Spirit usually contacts us through dreams as does every energy out there because that is the closest space we can reach as humans to the other side. Maybe it's both, spirit may be cueing you into your stress and how there is a lot on you right now or some situation that has been creeping up on you.

A threat that cannot see you but keeps hunting you down...very interesting. I do believe this could be a stress dream and the feeling you have thinking about the dream is so important. 'Unsettling' makes me feel like a horror movie or anxiety eating at your gut. Our dream space is where we process everything in our day, and it would make sense for your mind trying to process a threat that never seems to reach you because you find ways to avoid it. Think about your waking life and ask yourself, are you stressed? even if its small it may lead you to other questions and answers. Besides the logical reasons let's see what some sources say:

On dreamdictionary.org I looked into Lion interpretations and went directly to chase/attacked by a lion. There is a lot about trying to stand up for yourself and take control over a situation in your waking life. The lion can represent your "fears and anxieties, people who dominate you, you're not the leader of the pack, fight for dominance, repressed instincts or sexual urges, Anger/temper." There even may be a suggestion in that you may be running away when a situation rises in your waking life. this could be a person as well in your life that is controlling, your brain is random but not that random.

Another website mentions your subconscious could be projecting anger onto the lion and letting you know that you need to let it out. (luciddreamssociety.com). There may be a deadline of something coming towards you and that's why this thing in your dream is watching you and hunting you. It's interesting you mention being your younger hiding from a threat. as children we are at our most vulnerable because usually, we have a lot of our power taken away and the theme of power is similar to both dreams. Just know you should believe in yourself and that you do have the strength to handle whatever comes up in life even if it's a surprised; you always get through it and you're not alone.

If any of this resonates ponder it some more and ask yourself some questions out loud and let your brain cook to see what pops out. Let me know what you think if you want :)

[julyarchives]

Tendae (텐데) || (M) Teach Me pt.4

You realized that Wooseok is the one person that can bring you comfort whenever you two are together, and the holiday spent alone with him only intensified the tingly feeling inside that scares you so much.

→ Pairing: Wooseok x Reader

→ Genre: Smut

→ Words:  4.5K

→ Contains: Smut; Friends To Lovers; Virgin!Wooseok; fingering; there is a small anxiety attack at the beginning; lots of touches; conflicted feelings

→ A/n: So, this chapter incorporates 2 requests that have been recently sent to us, thank you so much to the people who've done it, it was really nice to imagine Wooseok in these situations and turns out we are a sucker for him (can you blame us tho?). Anyway, we hope you guys like it! (Also, yes, the title is inspired by Bobby's song, because that has GOT to be their theme song, it's perfect)

→ Index: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

You tried to sleep, really. You put on some calming music and the tv was on to keep the room dim light but it was no use. Tossing and turning in bed was something that became a habit after you had to deal with your life choices. You got yourself in a really tiring situation, between babysitting your best friends and dealing with two simultaneous educational courses, you barely had time alone to just relax. To make it worse, the rain started to pour heavily outside and you sighed, it was only a matter of time for the nightmare to begin. Sometimes even you forgot how scared you were of thunder and storms, they didn't occur often and when it rained, it was light but you just knew that an anxiety attack was on the way when the first loud thunder resonated. Covering your head with the blanket, you sank into the mattress and wished for it to go away. There was only so much you could deal with by sighing and wishing for the best. The noises got louder and the light music was no longer catching your ears, tears now threatening to fall and your fear only growing bigger. It seemed like a couple of minutes went by you figured, even though it felt like hours to you and there was no sign of the storm stopping. A somehow even louder bang caught your attention and you jumped, how the hell did it thunder inside your room?

"Y/N?", a desperate whisper was heard by the door and you cautiously peeked from under the covers. Wooseok was standing by the door with a pillow under his arm and his hand holding his chest as if to catch his breath. "I was asleep, the thunder woke me up. Sorry it took me so long to come", he said, still whispering, maybe to not scare you even more.

You nodded without being able to speak, you just knew the tears would fall if you tried. Wooseok closed the door behind him and even jumped lightly when another thunder filled the room. That spurred him on, quickly moving to gently pry the blanket from your head and you scooted over, making room for him, only to have him settle quickly with his own pillow and pull the covers back up, covering both of your heads. He smiled sweetly at you and opened his arms in invitation, one which you gladly accepted. The moment your head was against his chest you cried, feeling protected like this after the overwhelmed fear you felt so strongly was too much and you felt Wooseok hugging you stronger. Your small sobs were barely audible because of the thunder but you knew he felt how your body moved as you cried and you were thankful he just hugged you in silence. You heard him hum to some tune and you wondered if he could hear the music you had put to sleep.

"Y/N?", Wooseok called you and you moved your head back to look at his face, "are you still crying?", as he asked it, you let out a sniff, making you both chuckle.

"Does that answer you?", your voice wasn't sounding normal and even then you knew it was okay because he understood it.

"I remember when I didn't get much screen time at a tv show and you found me crying in my room…".

You remembered that. It was at the beginning of the friendship, he was reserved and shy but when they guys showed up looking awkward and Wooseok just walked past everyone, you had to follow him. He was under the covers and you heard the small whimpers of crying and you didn't think twice, your instinct told you to slip into the mattress with him, you laid down to watch a wide-eyed Wooseok who was sniffing and trying to control his crying. You understood how he must have felt, not good enough because the editing and the hosts ignored him almost completely. You needed to show him he was so much more than that but he was too reserved for you to know what to do, so you just held him and he quickly hid his face in your neck and cried until he fell asleep. Since that you always shared a bed and got so much closer.

"I remember that too", you said, your crying slowing down. "I'm glad you let me stay that day". He sighed, holding you closer.

"I'm glad too". He shyly kissed the top of your head and went back to humming a song. Paying attention to the vibration of his chest and his warmth, you soon fell asleep even as it still poured outside.

Waking up was the hardest part since it was a while that you slept so well. Moving a bit you noticed that the blanket was no longer covering your head but Wooseok was still next to you, hand-holding close by the waist. He was soundly asleep and you sighed, torn between wanting to stay with him and needing to start your day. The struggle didn't last long as you needed to go to the bathroom, so you wiggled a bit so he could let go of you but you ended up being pulled closer against him, his hand possessive around you. He groaned in his sleep, displeased that you were moving and you chuckled silently, now taking his hand in yours to move it away from you. For a second you let your fingers intertwine and you smiled, a warmth you knew all too well invading your chest but as always, you decided to ignore it and move away.

The house was abnormally quiet and you did your morning hygiene quickly and surprisingly in peace. After choosing a comfortable slip-on dress, you got into the kitchen which was also weirdly empty. Usually, at least one person was rummaging around for snacks and you made sure to look around to search for any of the boys. As you made your favorite breakfast food and drink, you noticed the fridge covered in small notes in all different colors and shapes, each of them from one of the boys letting you and Wooseok know that they'd be out. Some would be traveling since it was a holiday, others would be visiting their families and you frowned, you didn't even know it was a holiday, studies were taking up most of your time and all you knew was your deadlines. Opening the group chat for the house, that featured all the boys, you typed a quick text wishing them a good holiday break and resumed eating.

After finishing, you slightly debated if you should go to your own home to study but with a sigh and a shy amused smile, you got up and went to the empty room they reserved for you so you grab your notebook. The boys going to the army was something not very pleasant but at least you got a bed and a room to yourself, lucky two of them went almost together.

You got inside quietly and tiptoed around the bed so as to not wake up the giant asleep on the bed, his feet almost completely out of it. Your backpack was at reach and you took it with you as silent as you could. With your back turned to the bed, you made sure to look twice to see if you forgot anything.

"Tell me you made breakfast", a raspy sleepy voice resonated behind you. You jumped and your backpack almost flew away from your hands.

"Don't do that, Wooseok! Warn me before talking!", he laughed at that, arm resting on his face.

"Sure, I'll squeak before talking so you don't get scared", he was fully laughing and you watched him fondly.

"Shut up", you slightly pouted and he sat upon the bed, moving so you could almost stand between his knees. "There is breakfast but I should eat it myself for that".

"I just woke up, Y/N. Give me a break", he smiled and gosh, wasn't he charming, hair all messy, voice deep from sleep, made you remember all the times you two shared touches, your cheeks feeling warm.

As if sensing where your mind was going, Wooseok slowly moved his arms and placed his hands on your waist, barely touching it. Your first answer was to drop the backpack and place your hands on his shoulders, moving closer. When he stretched his upper body, your body knew what to do before you even registered the action. You moved lower and your foreheads touched, such an intimate touch and yet so innocent. Both of you whispered good morning shyly and like waking up from a dream you almost flinched away, grabbing your things from the floor and clearing your throat.

"There's food ready. I'm gonna study, alright?", he nodded a bit stunned by your sudden change. "Everyone is away and it's just the two of us today", and with that, you walked away.

The morning went by without a single problem, you focused on your studies while Wooseok watched something with headphones or just played on his phone. Your only breaks were bathroom breaks and you were almost certain that you wouldn't even drink water if Wooseok didn't leave a bottle there every half hour.

Lunchtime came and you got up your chair to stretch and rummage through your phone, sitting next to Wooseok. Part of you noticed how there was a full empty large couch and two chairs available but you still sat on the two-seat couch thigh to thigh with him. You shook your head physically to get rid of these thoughts and quickly opened the food delivery app, nudging Wooseok to check it with you.

It wasn't a hard task to decide on lunch since you two knew what you liked and soon enough the food arrived. The small chit-chat was alien even to you and part of you knew that it was because you fled his embrace earlier. That scared you because even though you started whatever you two have it shouldn't be affecting you this much. Of course, he was your best friend and you knew everything about each other, and yeah, knowing a girl at work was coming onto Wooseok was bothering you and staying alone with him like this made you nervous like never before but hey, if you ran away it'd go away sometime, right?

After eating, Wooseok took care of the dishes and you laid on the big couch, closing your eyes for a moment to at least pretend everything was normal. After a few minutes of you being completely still, you felt a presence in the room and then the external lights went missing and the dark of your closed eyes got even darker. You opened one eye and fought back a smile to see Wooseok standing and looming over you curiously.

"What", you breathed out.

"Checking if you didn't die", he seemed serious and that made you crack, sitting up while laughing hard after he stepped back and he sat next to you, his arm going to your shoulder like it was natural. Did you two always do stuff like that? You weren't even sure but you let yourself enjoy the moment for a bit before going back to reality. "Seriously, you looked dead".

"That was my soul you were seeing", you smiled at his horrified face and you held it with both hands. "I'm joking, silly. I'm just too tired". Without thinking straight, the impulse to feel the moment was too strong and you left a peck on his mouth, quick and yet it made a small sound. "Gonna go study", you rushed over your words, getting up like a lightning bolt and running to the table. If you looked back, you could see a blush spreading on his face, him watching you, face torn between amusement and shock.

It wasn't before three hours went by that Wooseok showed up at the table you were studying on and threw a bag of chips on it.

"Not hungry", you mumbled, a very important part of the analysis you were writing was being refined and you were so close to finishing it that you barely looked up.

The sound of the chair next to you being pulled didn't bother you, neither did the sound of a bag being open. Somehow not even Wooseok sloppily placing a chip on your mouth didn't bother you either. What did bother you was his face showing up between you and the computer screen.

"Move!", you said rather loudly. He didn't answer and moved, thankfully. Some minutes went by and the chips kept coming for which you were thankful.

As you finished writing and started proofreading what you wrote, you felt the ghost of a hand touching your thigh. You frowned and looked at him, who was casually scrolling on his phone with the hand that was away from you, even though you noticed his cheeks being red. You took a deep breath and resumed reading, only to have your thigh gently squeezed by him.

"What are you doing?", you said through your teeth. Since when does he have the nerve to touch you like that?

"I'm checking my phone", he showed you his phone, looking at you as if you were crazy and his actions were obvious.

"Wooseok, I'm busy right now".

"Oh, I know, Y/N". The hand squeezed harder and you shuddered. Shit.

You decided to see how far he could take this and honestly how far could you rest it, so you just ignored it once again. Your mind was on the verge of shutting down but you were almost finishing so you pushed forward. All the time you read, his hand went further on your thigh, reaching your pelvis but not really touching you. It was driving you mad and the way he pretended he did nothing was somehow attractive.

When you finished reading and started closing the software, his hand got braver and touched you through your panties, rubbing lightly, long fingers teasing the extension of it. The tension of his hand on you this whole time was taking all your attention and you bit your lip to not smile as you closed everything. Truth is, there was no way you could focus on anything other than Wooseok with his hand on you like that and you knew how shy he was, so you read your work as sloppy as you could, not paying attention at all, just to make him stay a bit longer.

Your back fell on the chair and you groaned, his finger insistently massaging your clit through the panties. You looked at him then, his phone forgotten on the table, his other hand gripping his pants' leg enough to turn the knuckles white. His eyes were trained on you, his mouth slightly parted and breathing irregular. He looked as affected as you were and you were the one being touched, you reached to his nape and caressed the hair gently, hoping to get to him how grateful you were for him.

The action spurred him on, his hand moving to touch you inside the panties and that got you surprised. You'd be lying if you didn't think he never looked hotter than now, the hand caressing his locks now gripping it. He groaned when he felt how wet you already were for him and moved his hand harder on your clit, getting small whimpers from you. Your hips moved on their own accord, his other hand now touching himself above the pants and you noticed.

You snapped when he flicked your clit perfectly as he gripped his member and hissed, the stimulation being too much for you. Moving fast, you got his hand away from you and straddled Wooseok fast enough to surprise him. Luckily he caught on quickly and held you, hands firm on your ass. You kissed him with fervor, hands making a mess of his hair and it almost seemed like no matter how close you were it wasn't close enough.

You moved your hips almost too desperately and he matched your rhythm, giving as good as he got and you moaned, the whole thing too hot. All the times you two had together flashed through your mind and it only spurred you further, lust overpowering anything else.

"Y/N", he whimpered as you moved just right on top of him, his hips stuttering. "We can't do this here", he panted out.

You stopped and looked at him. His eyes were dark and he was out of breath, his hands never once relenting his grip on you, his hair was a mess and his lips were red and plump from kissing. The pang on your heart almost made you back out, get up and leave but his face was watching adoringly, also lust-driven, and he started leaving small kisses on your neck. You knew you lost the fight.

"Since when you know how to be so bold?", you chuckled and he followed, the humming feeling good on your skin.

"You taught me", was his simple answer, kissing your mouth gently. "We can go to my room if you want or we can go where you're sleeping".

"Your room. It'd be too weird to do this in Jinho's and Hui's room, right?", you smiled and he answered in kind, helping you get up at once and holding your hand during the walk upstairs.

You were very nervous out of a sudden and you didn't even know why. It wasn't your first time with anyone and you knew what you were doing. You taught him after all. But when you felt his hand slightly shake when you reached the room it finally dawned on you. If things went where you felt they would, it would be the first time with him. It would be his first time when it came to actual sex.

Wooseok opened the door and waited for you to enter so he could close and lock it behind you. Even though you were alone in the house, you knew it was better to be safe than sorry here. As you expected, he was nervous and stood there looking at you with his hands on his sides. You smiled fondly, your heart taking leaps on your chest and you touched his face gently.

"It's okay. It's just me". He smiled, kissing you slowly, savoring the moment just like you were. "We don't need to do anything else, reall-"

"I want it", he cut you off eagerly. Then he laughed shyly and gave you a peck. "If you want to, that is".

"Of course I do", you felt a sudden calm wash over you, and that made sense. Not knowing where stood and now having sure he wanted this as much as you made you feel better.

You took a step back and took your dress off, leaving you in your undergarments. He did the same seconds later, standing there in his underwear. Holding his hand, you took you both to his bed and since it was a tight fit, you laid him down and sat on top of him, gently laying down to kiss him and moved with it. That seemed to ease him into it again, this was something you did before and he excitedly followed, rubbing his hard member on your clothed core.

The moans coming out of your mouth were needier than you intended but your body needed him badly and you knew he was the same. You didn't waste time getting up and losing the rest of your clothes, staying naked in front of him. You fought your own shyness back as he stood again and took off his underwear. Wooseok stared at you for a second and then smiled, kissing you tenderly and laying back on the bed. You followed and laid next to him, touching him just like the first time, him nervously watching you only this time was during broad daylight and he was more confident, his own hands traveling across your body, feeling your breasts, your stomach, your arms, everywhere he could reach.

"Do you have any condom?", you whispered.

"Yeah, top drawer". Honestly, you didn't know what answer you expected but you raised your eyebrow at him as you got up to get it.

"Can I ask?", you said coming back.

"One of the guys gave it to me when a girl at work invited me out", Wooseok answered shyly, barely looking at you.

You scoffed and straddled him, letting his cock fit on your slick slit and you moved lightly.

"Too bad you'll be using it with me, isn't it?", you said with more intensity than you expected. "I heard about this girl before", you kissed his neck teasingly, he could stare at you and hold onto your waist. "What was she thinking? That she could take you away from me?", jealousy waking over, and even you were surprised. The first time you heard about the girl you got mad but apparently it was bottled up so nicely inside you that you only noticed now.

"N-no", he stuttered as you bit his neck, hips never stopping its movement. "I kept it because I wanted to use it with you". You stopped. Did he want to do this with you? Wooseok was hoping to get you alone and go all the way with you. It was different hearing it directly from him and you were stunned. He saw it and smiled, it was his turn to kiss you, his upper body more sat up than laying down. His hand caressed your cheek and he looked deeply into your eyes. "I want you".

You could have sworn time froze and your heart stopped. He was staring so intently at you that you felt frozen, only remembering to answer when he changed from intense to doubtful and you were quick to kiss him and hoped that the kiss would tell him everything you couldn't. After you came up for air, you quickly sat next to him and put the condom on for him, which he watched attentively.

"I want you on top of me", you said in a small voice. After all you said, somehow you felt pliant, needing his proximity to deal with it.

Wooseok obliged and you quickly adjusted on his bed, his frame towering over you. Your hands were on his face, thumbs caressing it gently while he supported himself in one hand and aligned himself with the other. You nodded when he faltered, waiting for your approval. As he entered you, two things were registered by your lust hazed brain. The first one was how deliciously he stretched you, you enjoyed his dick before but now you just knew you were doomed. The second one was how lost in pleasure he already looked when he got inside inch by inch. He was dragging the movement to get inside, going slowly and you didn't think it was for you. His mouth was open and a long groan escaped him.

He looked at you a bit desperate, needing to move as quickly as you'd let him and you almost chuckled. You settled for a smile and moved your hips up, indicating he could move. He started slow, going almost completely out before thrusting inside hard. His pace was driving you mad, hands now roaming on his back while his face was buried on your chest, kissing and licking his way all over it.

You endured it as much as you could because it was so good and he seemed so lost in pleasure but it got unbearable and with a hushed "please go faster" you pleaded. Usually, you were vocal during sex but somehow you were so lost in pleasure and in feeling his body all over yours, his cock moving so perfectly inside that you seemed lost for words. Wooseok quickly changed his pace with a grunt and his noises started to come out. Your mouth was open while you tried to keep your eyes open as well but failed many times. You could see he was trying the same but more often than not he got lost in your chest or closed his eyes in pleasure.

You knew neither of you would be able to last longer and it felt like heaven to feel him getting closer to his orgasm with you, his body moving fast and him gripping the sheets while he supported himself on his upper arms. You were sure his back had a few scratches because it was just too good to know you were marking him, his noises while you did that didn't help at all. Wooseok didn't need to say anything to you. Neither you did to him, you were in sync even then and he gave you space to touch your clit, which you gladly did. He tried to warn you but he couldn't, he came with a shout mid-sentence, body trembling as much as yours. Your orgasm followed his, watching him being too much to handle and the overstimulation was perfect.

You two kept moving even after, riding off both of your highs, and all the while you stared at each other's eyes. His stare was so full of feeling that you felt breathless a bit, you closed your eyes, relying on your orgasm to blame if he asked, even if you knew he wouldn't. He awkwardly laid next to you because he could barely fit and you laughed, moving to the side so he could fit. Wordlessly he took the condom out and tied it, placing it next to the bed and you made a mental note to not forget that there.

Laying facing each other you didn't know what to say so you giggled, amused, nervous, and happy at the same time and so did he, possibly for the same reasons. Wooseok moved so you could lay on his chest and so you did, even though you wiggle up in the bed to lay your head on top of the pillow, body seeking support on his. You kept staring at each other until he moved to give you a peck and a small nudge nose to nose. Butterflies invaded your stomach and you felt yourself holding on for dear life inside.

"Do you feel as fucked as I am?", Wooseok said.

"What sense of the word are we talking here, Wooseokie?", you laughed with him.

"You know what I'm talking about. You know, the stares and stuff", his way with words made you smile. You were thankful you didn't feel it alone.

"Yeah, then I feel as fucked as you are…", you kissed him and caressed his hair again, earning a noise almost like a purr.

"Hm. What do we do?", he asked while caressing your hair as well.

"I don't know. Decide what's for dinner?".

"Easy. Pizza", he answered naturally and you snuggled closer.

"Then what we do is call the pizza place". You said quickly and he agreed with a hum. "But now we nap".

"Nap first, pizza later", he said almost asleep and honestly you were the same, the atmosphere too cozy and nice to not succumb to sleep. Maybe you were fucked but at least you were with your adorable dork.

[incorrectreaperquotes]

spoilers!!! so i just wanted to tell someone about my idea for the most recent chapters (i don't use fastpass tho so like ye) but. WHAT IF. brooks demon went wild and scarlet calmed him down it would have great parallels to how brook saved scarlet from the 9th level!!! because scarlet described being theres as being alone with ones humanity. WOULDN'T THE PARALLELS BE SO COOL???

I have five free coins that I'm saving for fast pass, Idk when I'm gonna use em but like. One day within like 30 days.

I'll put my response for this under a cut

But like YESYESYES I WANT PARALLELS LIKE THAT SO BAD FOR THEM??? Scarlet reaching her hand out to him and it soothing and calm him just directly paralleling him saving her from the 9th. He's supposed to have really masterful control over his demon, so I feel like it would take something massive to make him snap like that, too. So just... Having Scarlet or both Chase and Scarlet be able to pull him out of something that extreme would be so amazing.

Alternatively for a parallel: something happens (cough, cough, Judah) that forces Brook to miss his sinner deadline and thus go through his own sentence in Hell, since, y'know, [looks at his bet with Satan/how he has Xs in place of his clock marks now]. Scarlet has to play a game or win a fight against Satan in order to get him out of his own sentence.

[quinintheclouds]

Hey, I just read your post on ADHD/EFDD and was just wondering if you have read any research articles on this and if you have, could you tell me which ones because it all sounds super interesting and I need to choose a topic for my psych lit review and I’m thinking about doing something to do with all the stigma around and misconceptions about different mental health disorders.. it’s totally okay if not tho, I know it’s a big ask, but thanks anyway

That sounds like such a great topic!!! I would be HONORED to help :D 

The first person I think of when discussing the term EFDD is Dr. Russell Barkley. He’s one of the leading ADHD experts, and has been a spearhead for studying executive dysfunction in people with ADHD for decades. Very much ahead of his time compared to the DSM. I’ve had his book “Taking Charge of Adult ADHD” recommended to me so many times, but have yet to read it.

Here’s some free stuff, though! 

[reblogs appreciated because Tumblr hates posts with links and I wanna make sure this anon sees it!]

I tried to include some short stuff and longer stuff, some articles, images, videos, and comic recs, so you can choose based on your current energy and focus level :) I’ve also bolded links and key points of each source if you like skimming. Let’s go!

...................................

Here’s an interesting article/study on EFDD! They found that “ADHD [is] associated with deficits in inhibition, managing one’s attention, self-directed speech and rule-following, self-motivation, and even self-awareness [...] ADHD therefore involves deficits in self-restraint, [...] selfsensing and imagery, self-control of emotion, and self-directed play for problem-solving.”

Thank you for motivating me to look up some articles, because I learned some new things, too! For instance, they assert that ADHD could also be called SRDD (Self-Regulation Deficit Disorder), but conclude the article by saying either SRDD or EFDD fits better than ADHD, and that the terms could be used interchangeably, because SR (self-regulation) and EF (executive function) are effectively talking about the same things. So his assertion is that even if the name ADHD never changes, it can still be scientifically classified as either of the other terms. I believe in recent years he’s preferred EFDD more and more.

[note that the above article/study is from 2011, back when we were on the DSM-IV, so a lot of research has been done since then]

...................................

If that article’s a bit wordy or you want something more visual and up-to-date, here’s a really detailed PowerPoint presentation used during the 2018 ADHD Symposium! It’s long but well-organized so you can just read the big headers or you can read all the bullet points explaining it. Keep in mind this was a lecture, so some of it probably made more sense in person. I’m glad I read this, because I realize the terminology I’ve used is slightly off: according to the Symposium, there aren’t “subtypes” of ADHD, but the different names (ADHD-PI, ADHD-PH, and ADHD-C) are really just used to show the prevalence of certain symptoms in that individual. So they’re all terms for ADHD, but “subtype” was poor word choice on my part. 

Oh! I just found a video of him giving a lecture in 2012 using many of the same PowerPoint slides! Here ya go! It’s a bit longer than the other videos I’ve linked below (13min), but it might make the slides easier to interpret :)

...................................

If you want a really short and basic overview, here’s a video explaining 5 main ways executive functions affect the brain and how they work differently in people with ADHD. [I put the video below as well if you wanna stay on tumblr] It’s from 2010, but it holds up. It only covers 5 big ones, so remember (if you can) that executive function affects EVERYTHING and the symptoms will affect everyone differently and at different levels. 

This is just the most basic overview and a good place to start:

...................................

Here’s one where he talks about our Time-Blindness! (below) I was going to pick a couple favorite quotes to give you an idea, but that’d wind up being a transcript of the whole video because HE GETS IT. This is from 2014, but I CANNOT recommend it enough!!! He mentions that ADHD doesn’t have a deficit of attention, but rather a deficit of intention. He describes us as having a near-sighted sense of time, and talks about deadlines, “laziness,” etc.

 ALSO he talks about how our brains DON’T CONNECT our knowledge to our performance (back of brain to front) like everyone else’s, so we have the same level of knowledge and intelligence, but can’t access and use it the way others can. This is why teaching skills and organization/memory/time-management tips isn’t helpful -- we can learn them, but our knowledge and action centers are separated, so actually doing them/sticking with them is just as hard as before. 

If you don’t watch the whole thing, at least skip to 3:29 cause that part’s really funny and relatable (ok the whole thing is relatable):

...................................

And of course, I highly recommend the YouTube channel How to ADHD! I have a couple friends who work on it, and they REALLY know their stuff! (They’re the ones who taught me during a game night that RSD isn’t a real term and it should be called “rejection-sensitivity” as part of the emotional dysregulation umbrella) 

I went looking and found this video (below) has the BEST explanation of it that I’ve seen in such a concise, entertaining way. I hadn’t seen this one before, but it even covers some of the things I mentioned in that post your ask is about! Especially the Internal Restlessness that I mentioned as the true “hyperactivity” we all share; even though some of us also express outward hyperactivity, both presentations come from the same restlessness in our brains.

^^^This has some great examples, visuals, animations, and different ways of explaining and thinking about our symptoms! If you want more about this, the description has a bunch of links to their sources! Jessica and everyone else who works on this channel is great at making the videos watchable for people with ADHD (even if we have to rewind sometimes)

Here's Jessica's official Twitter @HowtoADHD! (I was today years old when I found out that she follows me)

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And if you want something REALLY short and simple, here’s a 2 minute animation comparing living with ADHD to trying to film a movie with a director who keeps falling asleep [below]

....................................

If you like comics:

My favorite ADHD comic artists are: ADHD Alien [@ADHD_Alien on Twitter and @adhd-alien on Tumblr]; Dani Donovan [@danidonovan on Twitter and @danidonovan on Tumblr -- we’re somehow twitter mutuals and she is such a sweetheart. She has some really good infographics, too!!]; ADHD Bri [@AdhdBri on Twitter and @adhdbri on Tumblr]; and dreamadept [@yume_dango on Twitter and @yume-dango on Tumblr]

They’re all well-researched, funny, genuine, intelligent, insightful, talented artists who depict ADHD in a very accurate and relatable way. Go check ‘em out and support them! :D

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I’m gonna stop there for now, but PLEASE feel free to add on to this with other sources, questions, videos, thoughts, comic artists, etc.!!! Hope this helps someone out there!

[abyss-mal-blog1]

current mind-space//word vomit

it’s amazing how much can change in a few days, but it hasn’t been a week since my finals ended and i already felt so different. i have been doing f45 everyday this week (if not then some kind of workout, but i’ve really been into that recently). i am feeling so much better now without deadlines, sometimes i don’t know if i function better under pressure or not. i guess not, but then it’s amazing how much i can do and achieve under pressure. i need the right amount of pressure, and this semester it has been a little difficult for me to get around that. 

last friday was kinda my last day of finals, i just had an essay to submit, and i am disappointed in myself and my work ethic because i submitted it at 9pm, went to my cousin’s (disappointing) party, and then professor emailed me to say that she cannot read Pages format (seriously smh @ my tardiness!!!), only got back at 1am that night and sent my mediocre essay. i am a little sad about it because i know that is not my 100%. idk why but college so far has just been a series of 80% effort. this paper was an interesting one, on airbnb, on the sharing economy, it’s a performance studies paper where i analyze the hospitality platform in terms of host-user relationship, parasitism and (attempted) to talk about free online labor. it is a little too late now but i kinda want to work on it again and like, submit for feedback. maybe ill ask taylor. 

last saturday was kinda meh, i agreed to go to a *social* kinda event at a bar/club at chelsea, held for Asian-ivy-alumni-people that yanlin invited me too. it was at up&up and honestly a little...i didn’t enjoy it at all. the music sucked, the people were either too dorky or gross or old or weird, and the whole time i just kept saying to myself, “never again”. they said it was open bar but they only served absolut, which was shit. and then my friend’s two friends were...i feel sorry that this was their first clubbing experience. at the beginning my reaction was look at all these ivy alumni! get hitched with one of them for ~da connectsx~ (and nothing else) but no kidding i was actually interested in talking to them just to get to know what people who graduated from ivies are up to, and what are they doing at such events...and are they actually enjoying themselves because it was really kinda gross. met my friend’s friend who seemed like a really smart engineer (he asked for my number the next day lol), and a german dude at the bar who didn’t want to get me a drink. all i needed that night was a drink.....(i’m glad i didn’t drink tho because recently drinking has made me feel all kinds of bad)  we had ramen after at ramen-ya (most probably the worst ramen and charsiew i’ve had but what can we do at 3am and my friend wanted noodle and soup...)

on sunday i KNow i should have left my house earlier to workout but i didn’t. i was angry at myself that i didn’t. instead, i stayed at home and emotion-ate. i must have eaten more green bean soup than my stomach would have liked. what else...avocado? i remember..two bananas? god. this was the day i felt like i was n’s boyfriend because i had to do what she wanted to do. i know i had agreed on going, but at that point i really wanted to go thrifting or something. i mean when i got to central park it was fine and things were good but the whole day just felt like i was kinda pulled into doing something that wasn’t my first choice of plans, not that i didn’t enjoy myself lying under the sun at the park. it just felt like i was accompanying someone. i was half an hour late to meet her as well, and half heartedly got a burrito-wrap at newsbar. if you think about it it is really kinda funny, we’re just buying food and taking the subway to this grass patch 50 blocks away. we didn’t walk much, we literally only stayed at a little grassy slope overlooking the baseball pitch. anyway we went to a dance class after (the class was an hour long but i felt like n had asked me about when and what time we should book the classes for more than an hour by text so i just got really sick of it) i rushed home and got dinner with my uncle who’s in town for my cousin’s graduation. i was surprised that he chose the same japanese restaurant again, after dissing it half a year ago we ate here. the omakase was crazy and it cost 230 per person. (for the most expensive set) it was also kinda dumb because you aren’t allowed to order a different omakase set from anyone else - everyone on the table has to order the same - because of “timing”. i wonder if this is how it is in japanese omakase etiquette, but in any case it really earned them a hefty amount because my uncle decided to get 230 for all of us. qiyang didn’t like and said qiqi had bad taste, hahaha. the food wasn’t bad, i mean it’s japanese fusion, but the prices were way too steep for the taste. anyway enough about the food, during the dinner i think we talked about many things though. i kinda wanted to talk to my uncle individually because i think he is the only one who knows about ah gong, but he was sick, and i could tell he was exhausted. my aunt got a little impatient because i didn’t arrange plans to take their furniture and they were going to throw all of them away and it was actually the first time i’ve seen her get so worked up - but at the same time trying to control her emotions - because she was talking to me. i could tell she was annoyed though but i tried not to take it personally, and arranged it tomorrow. 

arranging the moving stuff was kinda last minute, i was walking to the library for work one day and i saw a truck that said MakeSpace. i assumed it was a kind of moving company and so i looked them up. they seemed to be pretty okay in terms of their services and so i decided to try them out. confirmation and setting up an appointment went pretty smoothly, except for the part where the guy i think his name was joseph, asked me to give my credit card details over the phone. idk why i did that! i stopped though, and asked him why, to which he replied he wanted to key in with the coupon code. this service has so much gimmicks within the first 2-3 minutes on the phone he was already telling me about how the first pick up is free, and that he will deduct 100$ off the first month...when people give you discounts too easily it just feels like a ploy and a thing they give to everyone, it’s not anything special and it’s probably calculated inside whatever we have to pay. anyway, i was just thinking it would be cheaper (assuming the maximum that i would have to pay is ~$500, as i confirmed with them on the phone yesterday), it’d still be cheaper than starting an apartment lease now and going through the trouble of finding two subletters. 

well. idk, it’s also easy to have things all moved in, i have to find a place to store my perishables!

moving is so much work, and storing things. this reminds me of my paper on airbnb and about the digital nomad lifestyle. it is interesting though, that this is what it has become. but the homogenized aesthetic is something i really cannot stand, in airbnb, in coffeeshops around the world..i am sure you know what i’m talking about. a new york times writer did something about this - he termed it “Airspace” - and apparently it originated from Brooklyn. I guess that’s where the art/avant-garde stuff started. well. keep a look out im gonna write a blogpost about that 

moving on 

nat came to sleepover on sunday night and a few days after because the school kicks you out of the dorms you pay so much for right after your final ends. i forgot if we did something fun but i probably just fell asleep. 

on monday i think i went to f45 and did cardio at Dumbo with Gi. he seems like a pretty nice trainer, the first time i went it was him and another girl Bertha (i think my first f45 was last tuesday) and i felt like i had two personal trainers with me - Gi was cheering me on and Bertha was doing it with me. it felt like such a good workout, one of the best ive had in a while. then work, where i arranged the movers stuff. i also realized i bought the wrong date for my flight ticket as my friends and had to buy one more...............

tuesday was the same f45 in the morning, and the bobst after. didn’t really get much work done at bobst. oh i also viewed a 3BR flex at 160. hella expensive and small, and dates didn’t work out anyway. also the broker who brought us to view the apartment was a very nice tall french man and his name was jean-francois which i couldn’t pronounce and asked nat but still called him jean as in jeen instead of john. this is why i have to learn french. you’re embarrassing. i also went to the itp/ima spring show with shubham which was super cool. there were many cool ideas, and i just wonder if i could create something like that. i didn’t get to see all of the exhibits which i regret, but i remember a few notable projects. one was an installation made with keyboards that randomly clicks, but when you hold your phone up it’ll stop. it’s made using 3d gestures. there’s also one at a gallery for surveillance, this team had a thing they call facebox, and it’s literally a box, that when you open it has a webcam that would capture your face, find you on facebook, and print out an invoice/receipt on how much you have earned for this giant tech company.  what else...an AR project that when you scan a food,  it shows you where the food comes from. nat said that she would love it if menus have something they could scan and then have pictures appear in ~holographic~ format, or maybe in the nearer future something on your phone that shows you a picture of the picture of the food. but isn’t it a surprise tho? sometimes the fun’s in the surprise, you read the description, you know what are the foods you’ll eat, leaving room to imagine or be surprised by how the chef puts it together! anyway, went for dinner with nat and jenny - got vegan shwarma (definitely wasn’t worth $14) and went to get crepes with will after. 

wednesday we were gonna go to the dmv but we weren’t prepared. nat also needed to get her passport and she was lazy. wow the number of times i mentioned her, it feels like she’s my boyfriend at this point. talked to famz, sister, and beatrix. am currently considering if i should even go to beijing or just go straight home. fuck. went to bobst for work but no one was there i was just really sleepy. viewed an apartment at 55 morton (it’s a nice quiet residential street that seems to be tucked away from the loud cars and bars and people) then i went to f45 again-varsity!!! cardio!!!, walked across brooklyn bridge (a little regret although i wanted to walk, but my bag was heavy and there were too many tourists to brisk walk) 

also the reason for this is that after my soba/miso/salad/shrimp dinner last night i was just watching a bunch of netflix shows and it was probably the caffeine from puerto rican roasting company - the barista made me a chai cappuccino with almond milk (3 SHOTS!!!)

me and nat couldn’t sleep, i really think i slept for an hour. i watched so many different shows, yoko and john’s documentary, while we were young, anthony bourdain, i was seriously flipping through all the shows and alternating between amazonprme and youtube and netflix and i even tried watching peaceful cuisine and making the brightness lower and had the sleep mode on and wow i just couldn’t sleep

so yeah the birth of this word vomit 

i am going to create more things

[raycats]

hey! meant 2 drop by before but! just wanted 2 let u kno how much i appreciate/want 2 thank u 4 ur hard work on dn! u promised 2 update w the latest chapter b4 february n even tho u were strugglin quite a bit u still delivered n that rly did baffle/inspire me beyond i'll ever b able 2 tell. i noticed u had another "deadline" b4 ur puppy arrived that u couldn't make n i just wanted 2 remind u that's ok!!! u'r doing ur v best n that's more than good enough!!!! (+) x

Wow, anon, what??? This is so so so nice of you, especially because I don’t even feel like I have those things under control very well. I feel bad that I haven’t been able to update as much as I’d like, but everyone has been so patient and great about it. I always feel bad about having to rescind my promises… I’m grateful you noticed that I’ve been trying though, hahaha. I have so much more of this story to tell (it’s looking more like it will end up at about ~20 chapters now) and I feel like I’ve barely gotten started. 

I think ‘figuring out who you are’ is a lifelong journey, honestly- one that I am still on myself. I’m always learning something new. It legit feels like yesterday I was 21 joining this stupid site for the first time (GOD…. I don’t know if that’s a good feeling, but it sure is a feeling.)  Fandom is a creative outlet that really makes me happy, and I’m even happier if anything I create inspires others. Thank you so much💘

More on updates, and dark noise:

The reason these most recent chapters have been coming slowly is that there’s a lot that’s about to happen plot-wise and I keep going back on how I want to approach it. There are some things coming up soon that I want to handle as sensitively and carefully as possible (a deeper look into Herman’s backstory, for one), so I’ve been trying to take my time with it.

I’m definitely in the mood to write, but the puppy has completely thrown me off, haha. I love him to bits!! But he is so tiny and delicate (2 lbs of baby Chi) that I can’t leave him unsupervised for now, because dogs as small as him are so easily injured, especially while he’s still getting used to things around here. So the only time I really have to get on my computer is when he’s asleep in his kennel. I anticipate that this will get a little bit easier soon as he adjusts, but I’ve been trying to pick away at these chapters while I can.

Looking to the future, after chapter 12 and 13 are finished with, I think I’m going to be able to get back to my usual update schedule, because those chapters cover a lot of things that this first half of the story has been building up to, freeing me to pursue the direction the plot takes after that.

[organisaticns]

so im due to start at cambridge university for bio natural sciences in october and i thought i would write a post about what helped me make a successful application. hopefully this is useful to some people!! (also this is an incredibly long post you’ve been warned)

if anyone wants me to do a more in depth post on one specific section, or you guys have any questions at all, feel free to drop me a message!!

choosing a course

this is the most important bit!!! you’re dedicating 3/4/5/6 years of your life to this

oxbridge as rule (esp cambridge) have slightly different courses to other universities so do your research - on their websites and at open days

i know top students are supposed to apply to oxbridge bc “it’s the best” and stuff but if the courses offered don’t interest you or you prefer how other unis teach that course, DON’T APPLY!! it’s not worth it 

generally, look at your a level/ib/etc subjects and which sort of courses they meet the entry requirements for then look at websites and stuff to try and narrow it down

talk to current students! the blog askacambridgestudent on tumblr is great, each area has an oxbridge conference each april if you can go, ask students at open days

they can tell you what it’s actually like

read some books in the subject area you’re considering, watch ted talks, go to masterclasses, do work experience

this will help you choose a course and also be useful later when you write your personal statement

okay so when i was applying people kept telling me i would only be successful if the only thing i thought about 24/7 was biology and it was the love of my life. this is not true. you can have other interests don’t believe the people that tell you that you cant

that being said you need to be passionate about your subject!! refer to bullet point 1!! they want to know that you’re interested in it and this needs to show

oxford vs cambridge

this is really hard for some people but my course is only offered at cambridge so i did not have this problem

so first see if you prefer the course offered at one of them

if not, visit both and hopefully you’ll get a better vibe from one

i have no good advice here

writing your personal statement

okay writing a ps is just not fun okay prepare yourself for that

if anyone wants a biology/natural sciences example message me and i can send you mine

this post has some really good advice

start early, aim to have it completely done and edited by early september (oxbridge deadline is 15th october)

first, think about things you want to write about - i wrote a paragraph on a book i’d read, a paragraph each on two summer schools i did, a paragraph on my epq, and a paragraph on extracurricular

things you can talk about - books, ted talks, lectures, summer schools, masterclasses, epq, independent research into stuff, work experience

when you’re writing about stuff you gotta engage with it, so dedicate a whole paragraph to one book, then take one key theme and talk about how it interested you and how you looked up other things to do with it - link it to a different concept or talk about which theory you like best if theres conflicting theories in the field etc

it’s a hard thing to do but just pick different bits you liked about the book and try to discuss it - a key theory, theme, character etc

you can be asked about your ps in interview so make sure you’re comfortable discussing the books on your ps

you also do not need to talk about multiple books if you don’t want to, i only talked about one and i know people who didn’t mention any

don’t just say things like “im passionate about biology”!! back it up with something!! say you’re passionate about one specific topic in your field and why, discuss how different things you did/read consolidated your interest, show your interest through discussion about the subject

try to link in slightly different subject areas or experiences, and definitely link everything to your course and why you’d be a good student

i managed to link my latin AS level to biology so anything is possible folks

while you want all your paragraphs to be very supercurricular based on things you’ve done and read, try and drop in some of those buzz words they love - you know like about your academic writing skills, enthusiasm, opportunity, dedication, communication, interdisciplinary skills etc.

oxbridge do not give a shit about your extracurricular but other unis do so you want one paragraph max on it and try to link it to transferable skills - it makes you a good communicator etc

write your first draft - it will be shitty but just write it, leave the intro and conclusion to last

introductions and conclusions are super hard to write but it’s doable. try to take the general idea you’re trying to include (mine was how interdisciplinary study is important to both all the sciences together and sub disciplines in bio) and write a little bit about it

it doesn’t have to be long, your intro should introduce your passion to the subject (please don’t do the whole “i’ve wanted to study bio since i was five and x happened” thing)

conclusion can be super short, just reinforce you’re excited to study your subject in a new environment and have new opportunities

look at the tsr examples for inspiration

try to make it cohesive ish? have a running theme? (like how this one has a running theme? i actually took a lot of inspiration from that ps)

don’t say things like “im a motivated and commited student with good time management skills” without smth to back it up - “while undertaking an independent research project, i developed time management skills, and researching x made me more interested bc y” is better (i mean still not incredible but i wrote that literally just now okay)

the student room has a load of examples from people who’ve already applied

read the ones in your subject, work out which bits you like and don’t like, apply to your own (be careful of plagiarism tho)

disclaimer: not all the ps on there are good

once you have a complete and awful first draft show it to a teacher

most people show it to the relevant subject teacher, but also to your tutor, the higher education adviser, oxbridge adviser

they will hopefully help you make it less awful but don’t let them change it so much it doesn’t sound like you

i showed mine to the oxbridge adviser at my school and well he laughed at it bc it was so bad so you know

but i didn’t listen to everything he said bc some of the things he wrote like no 17 year old would say

keep revising drafts, showing to teachers until you can’t stand reading it anymore then get someone else (maybe parents?) to spell check and be done with the horrible thing

no one likes their personal statement, you will read it in august and wonder how you could possibly write something so bad

the actual ucas application

make sure your predicted grades are at least as high as the entrance requirements

you don’t really have much control over your teacher reference but you can use it to mention things you couldn’t fit in your personal statement if you can convince your teachers to include stuff

make sure all your qualifications and stuff are accurate

the saq (cambridge only)

you have to fill this in straight after october 15th

it’s mostly boring admin stuff, filling in topics and class sizes etc.

you have an option to write an additional (shorter) personal statement

this is really useful if the course you’re applying to at oxbridge is different to the other courses youve applied to - such as if you applied to politics everywhere else but hsps at cambridge - use it to explain why you want to do that specific course at cambridge

but you definitely don’t have to write one, i didnt!

make sure you get this in on time

written work

for some courses you have to send in written work

i didn’t have to so i don’t have loads of advice, but make sure you send in stuff that you’re comfortable discussing at interview

they’ll be guidelines on the cambridge website and on your specific college’s website

admissions tests

not the most fun things

find the specification on the website and go through, highlighting and revising the points you don’t know

try to find some past papers and do them

this really depends on the subject you’re doing so i can’t give much more advice but if anyone needs advice specific to the NSAA shoot me a message

also, these are just part of your application and even if you came out of yours thinking it’s the worst test you’ve ever had it probably didn’t go that badly 

the NSAA is the hardest test i’ve ever sat and i thought i had done completely shit and i still got an offer so there’s still hope

interviews

okay so first, don’t believe the rumours

you know the ones where people say they got given a banana and asked to use it to explain how quantum mechanics relates to of mice and men

interviews are definitely scary, but they are nowhere near as bad as people make them out to be, and they don’t ask you weird unrelated questions

make sure you know your personal statement inside out and you feel comfortable talking about the topics/books/etc you mentioned on there in depth

keep up to date with any recent news or high profile research in your field (you don’t need to know details, just have a vague idea of what’s going on)

this is especially important if you’re applying for politics or economics or something like that

if your school offers a mock interview, definitely have one, though don’t panic if you can’t have one there’s other ways to prepare

the whole point of interview is them wanting to see how you think and how you respond to unfamiliar problems

so i looked up a list of “past oxbridge interview questions” and practised writing down a quick answer to them and thinking about how i would go about solving the problem

oxford has some examples on the “sample questions” bit here

i also used this site but remember a lot of these probably aren’t actual interview questions 

if you have an opportunity, just talk to your relevant subject teacher about the topics beyond your specification

you honestly don’t need to do too much interview prep, just do enough so you feel a bit calmer about the whole thing

hope some of that helps :)

[lesbiandeerstory]

it’s time for another deer dev update! wheres that picture of rarity i have

there we go

so yea it’s not exactly a regularly scheduled update post but my sense of timing has been so fucked lately cuz i’ve been spending like every waking hour in the deer lab for the last two weeks. which is actually what i wanna talk about BUT FIRST!

in the most recent deer dev update, i talked about two things: SCRIPT WRITING and FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY, so lettuce first talk about fight choreography.

i talked about how i put together a system for deer combat and a structure for organizing fights, and i’m happy to say both are still rly good! i rly need to make a wholeass post for the system now that it has passed peer review, i just haven’t had time for that yet.

i also talked in the most recent post about potentially reorganizing my storyboarding process since i was struggling with some of the scripts, and I DID DO THAT! and it turns out doing that was a GOOD FUCKING IDEA, cuz the newly reorganized storyboards are immaculate, and they have made script writing absolutely effortless.

HOWEVER

reorganizing the storyboards took time, and between that and some other stuff coming up this month i ended up rapidly running out of time in october for the script writing, which i kept saying i wanted to finish before the end of october.

now i’m a smart woman, so obviously when i looked at the amount of work i had left to do, and the time in which i had to do it, and realized i did not have enough time to do the amount of work, i did what anyone would do.

i said to myself “i will simply work twice as hard”.

in hindsight, this was stupid.

so i spent two days where i would wake up, have breakfast, and then literally be writing scripts every second of the day until i went to bed. if this sounds like a backbreaking amount of work, that’s bcuz it is, but don’t worry it gets much funnier. it turns out that even while doing this, i was not writing enough scripts fast enough to even get finished by the end of october! :v

so yea. also i just wanna point out that there was a brief moment last night as i’m up at 4am still working on scripts, realizing i’m not gonna hit my goal before the sun comes up, and i’m like “i will simply work THRICE as hard”. thankfully, i quickly realized that was a terrible idea.

in retrospect it seems very silly to force crunch work on myself over a completely arbitrary deadline that i made up myself and have complete control over. especially considering the next part of the development process probably won’t be able to go into full swing until like january anyway, what with the holiday season coming up now.

i would like to enjoy said holiday season without stressing about work tho, so i am still gonna try and get these scripts finished in a relatively quick amount of time. my current goal is november 11, bcuz that is the two year anniversary of lesbian deer story’s debut, and i don’t rly have anything big planned for that day so it’d be nice to have somthn to announce, even if it’s just “i finished the scripts hooray!”

but that november 11 date is a GOAL and not a DEADLINE, i won’t crush myself to try and reach it and i won’t beat myself up if i miss it. i just can’t take my 30 vacation days i’m looking forward to until i finish these scripts, but i WILL TAKE 30 vacation days regardless of when i finish the scripts.

[alcssandro-blog]

hallo friends !! i’m andi and i fucking love bread. i dont go on much tumblr’s messaging system, so if any of yall have discord, pls feel free to add me @   hbo war killed me#2997

i have here alessandro for yall !!!! he’s the love child of the “i have the power god and anime on my side” and that vine of a dude saying wow as a girl vapes hahahaha my Mans. he woud like to take this opportunity to say that thor is the strongest avenger, thank you. ( statistics !!! )

family: alessandro grew up in a compound with his extended family extensively. he’s got his aunt’s family living in a house next door, his great-grandfather two doors down - and so on. family ties were given utmost importance and alessandro doesn’t know it any other way. he’s his auntie’s favorite, his mom’s comedic headache, and his father’s hope. even when they migrated to the states when alessandro was 7, they kept close ties with the family they left behind in mexico. as a testament to this, alessandro considers his siblings as his first and truest friends.

childhood: if there’s a tree, you can bet young alessandro’s climbing it. as a child, alessandro was constantly on his feet - always ready to break out into a run for a game of chase, always ready to break a few rules here and there for a good time. he’s got a few hours of detention under his belt during high school because of it. he was friendly to everyone and was always with a friend or two everywhere. he still keeps in touch with most of high school friends.

education: it constantly feels like the academe hates alessandro; and to that, all he can say is this: right back at ya, suckers! alessandro knows that education is important, but he can’t agree with how one is supposed to sit for hours in a room and memorize a shit ton of bullcrap. truthfully, he barely made it out of high school. he opted to take a gap year and moved back to mexico. one day, during his stay in mexico, he was dared by his cousin to apply for college and pick the worst major he can think of: mathematics. alessandro freakin’ passed. upon his return to uni tho, not much as changed.  he still doesn’t get exempted from taking his finals, and sometimes even fails classes. despite this, he does excel in the arts. he took after-school classes and workshops for it during high school.

work: as a freelance webtoons artist, he has a so-so control of his time. the deadlines require him to sometimes draw panels below his own standards, but he enjoys it very much. he thinks that even after earning his degree, he’d still continue being a webtoons artist.

personality: his sister once compared alessandro to a touch-starved puppy - and alessandro couldn’t even argue against it. he knows he tends to be too enthusiastic and rarely appropriate for situations but he’s like // shrugs // he’s comfortable with who he is. he loves a good laugh - even at his own expense, and would not hesitate to skip uni classes to finish an episode of a tv series.

soulmates: A++ ALESSANDRO IS ALL FOR SOULMATES !!!! when the new law came out, his parents turned out to be soulmates even after 30+ years of marriage!!! he wants the same !!!! he wants to find his pair !!! in fact he’s been so engrossed with the idea of it that he’s made a few short comic panels about soulmates hehehe

possible connections: students from the same uni !!!, roommate !!!! costumers at his parents’ convenience store !!!! ex he had before he had his soulmate mark !!!! recent ex !!!!

TL;DR: Alessandro is basically the epitome of ✧��⸜(●′▾‵●)⸝⁺✧ he loves drawing out of leisure and taking his time with everything. he is enthusiastic, jovial, and humorous. however, he’s pretty self-indulgent and has v. little sense of responsibility ( if it doesnt align with what he wants to do // sighs ))

[aomitois]

2, 3, 5, 6, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 27, 28, 31, 34, 35, 37, 38, 40, 45, 46, 47 and 48 for Adorable ask please? Sorry if it's too much!!

it’s never too much (｡◕‿◕｡)

2. Favorite color when you were younger, and now?i think i liked pink the most? just because everyone else liked blue and i wanted to be more original than them. now they are icy blue and red-violet.

3. Do you wear eye-shadow? What color?yasss baby all the time! i have so many eyeshadows it would be a shame to not use them. i love doing my eye makeup. my phone is full of eye makeup tutorials and everyday i choose one at random to follow. the most common colors are black, silver, bronze, blue, gold and white. Here my make up from few days ago, made with white, pink and navy blue.

5. In your opinion, is love at first sight real?prooobably not, but who knows? you can develop a crush so fast, but love is a deeper and more complex feeling i guess, that needs more time.

6. Are you an optimist, realist, opportunist, or pessimist?all of them, it depends on situation. i guess opportunist the most. i wanted to be optimist but it’s just safer to always assume worst cases to be prepared for them, or at least most possible options.

9. What’s your aesthetic?honestly no idea, everything and nothing at the same time?? flowers, laces, cold, warm, black, fluffy, minimalistic, rich, spacewhat is aesthetic even anymore

10. Do you wear dresses, and skirts?i wish i did, since they make me feel good and pretty. i have 2 dresses and 1 skirt as casual wear in my closet (which means i wear them somewhere around once in few months? because of my clothes choosing system). on formal occasions i always wear a simple black dress. i have SO MANY more in my ‘not used clothes’, but they’re almost all maxi and mom tells me i look terrible in them so i shouldn’t wear them (she bought me them all without even asking btw)

11. What is your hair like?it frizzies easily and if i don’t use 50 conditioners i’ll have big messy nest. at least thanks to them now it’s really soft and shiny. it’s half straight, half wavy and idk why. i don’t like the wavy part, especially if it forms around my face. i always wanted to have as long as possible, but these fuckers don’t grow past my bra. naturally it look like this (in best state after pouring dozens of conditioners)

also recently i dyed them dark plum, already posted a pic here

12. Does time go by fast or slow to you?definitely too fast. so much to do, so much to see and i feel like time is dripping between my fingers like a sand.

13. What time do you go to bed? What time do you wake up?it’s totally random, whenever i feel like and don’t have anymore to do. i guess it usually oscillates around 1 o’clock, but really i switch easily, like for example during finals i went to sleep at 7 and woke up at 15, then switched to going to sleep at 14 and waking up at 21. i wake up 1,5h before school, but if i’m too tired to study anything more at night i wake up few hours earlier to finish it.

14. Favorite sweet food?yooooo i have giant sweet tooth, sugar is the only purpose of life i like milk chocolate, condensed milk, cakes, pancakes, fruits like watermelon, rasberries, fragaria, milkshakes, those rice desserts, ice cream, things with cocoa flakes, cereals - especially the nougat pockets

15. Tea, coffee, or hot cocoa?i’d say hot cocoa but it makes me feel a tiny bit sick… so tea

16. Space, Ocean, City, or Forest?Space.forest makes me uneasy. there are bugs everywhere, whatever i touch. the ground is uneven and hidden. and the forests i’ve been to are just tiny ones.i’ve never seen ocean irl, only sea. it doesn’t seem that fascinating.the city is good to live, good as story set, but plain old boooringand the space is 👌😤😤  astronomy is something i’m really interested in. all the stuff is just so fascinating and overwhelming. also stargazing at night is really melancholic and set me in the good mood to sort out my feelings, since that’s when they’re the strongest.

17. Favorite game as a child?not like video game but the child play - 2 propellers. me and bro held hands and rotated quickly until someone hit something, while telling crazy stories about adventures of our made up guardians agency - aomitois. when i was maybe seven we got the only console in my life, probably pegasus? and we couldn’t get enough of mario. then i just played random flash games i found in webs, can’t remember which were faves.

18. Comfort book?none, i’m not really a book reader or a reader at all ^^”

19. Princess, Fairy, Mermaid, or Unicorn?fairy! loved club winx. also has the best powers from them all. the rest are weak.

20. Do you fall in love easily?no idea… how do i even know if i’m in love, just crushing, or am i too atached and mistake it for love? am i even capable of love, when i feel nothing towards my family?sure, i do get crushes easily. like, really easily. felt the transition of simple crush into deeper feelings probably only twice in my life, but was that just a different type of crush or actually being in love? can’t tell.

21. Favorite word?polish curse words are so rich i’m cryingthey so good, so expressive, has such specific meanings to them, not like english. english curses are so weak. what english have? fuck? shit? bitch? and that’s literally allmost of my personal faves can’t even be translated, bc english is that weakwyjebane, zjebać, jebaniutki, pierdolec, jeb, popierdolone, wkurwiać, zajebać

also there are words that i find aesthetically beautiful. they have nice ring to them, have pretty color in my mind, and don’t consist of ugly letters. the example of these words is: melody.

22. Describe your life in 3 words.stagnant, stable, growing

23. Do you dance? Slow dance?only if no one’s around and when i’m in mood. the mood happens pretty often, but i’m not alone then. since the music i listen to isn’t slow, the dance isn’t either.

27. What makes you smile?lots of things tbh. i smile most of the time i’m awake. memes, jokes, seeing a cat, a friend, sudden memory of something funny, talking with anyone (i’m grinning and giggling like an idiot whenever i chat with anyone online and parents are really concerned about it)

28. Have you ever cried in a book or movie?boi. all the time. during every emotional moment that happens.

31. Are you superstitious?nope, tho i’m trying out every possibility of things that could grand my wish.

34. Favorite holiday?Christmas! love everything about it, whole tradition. dressing the tree? sign me up! making and trying 12 dishes? i hate most of them but will do! the carols? perfection! the presents?? 👌👌👌

35. Favorite season?winter definitely! snow is good shit. cold is neat af. no bugss 👀 and there’s my birthday, Christmas, Santa’s day, new year’s eve :D

37. Are you quiet or loud?quiet. i don’t talk unless it’s necessary. and everyone tells me i speak too quietly. my natural state of voice is actually really loud, like we all in our house screaming all the time, but probably social anxiety makes me as quiet as possible.

38. Favorite time period? (80′s, 60′s, etc.)PRESENT it’s the only acceptable time period imo

40. The best dream/ worst nightmare you’ve ever had?Best: one time i managed to have half-lucid dream. i controlled my actions and kinda shaped the world around me, but the plot processed as in normal dream. which is really good bc my consciousness have shit creativity while my unconsciousness is amazingly wild. i controlled many superpowers in that dream and was really overpowered.Worst: can’t pinpoint one but sometimes i dream about gross spiders and then i wake up in sweat, weirded out, grossed out until i tell myself it was only a dream. They are usually either about single giant one, or few of middle size.

45. What’s your style?i like wearing really feminine things and blending in. mostly i wear shirts and tees with random prints + colorful jeans or tunics with yoga pants. the colors that i feel good it are intense and dark, like red-violet, claret, navy blue, emerald, dark purple.

46. Do you blush?i have no idea… never saw myself blush, neither anyone told me i’m blushing. i guess i do get a bit red.

47. Do you feel everything, nothing, or you don’t know what to feel?all of above. most of the time i’m in apathy. my emotions are easily triggered, and die as quickly. and currently i’m confused. i don’t know what the recent feelings are. since it’s all that’s on my mind lately i couldn’t focus, but i can’t afford it bc of deadlines q_q why can’t i just figure out wtf are those

48. Are you a crier? Do you smile?already answered above, i smile lotsa and cry often xD

[moodymindymusereactions]

When you’re feeling worthless and they try to cheer you up

I did alter this just a tad to keep it from becoming redundant.  I hope you don’t mind.  If you want me to rewrite it let me know!

Suho:

Junmyeon is a softie at heart, to be honest.  He’s such a gentle soul.  Seeing you so stressed over a project and just so frustrated with both your work and yourself makes him really sad.  He doesn’t want you to ever feel like you’re worthless.  That’s the absolute LAST thing he wants.  I see him as the type to make you get up and walk away from your project.  He’ll take you to lunch or for ice cream, then a peaceful walk through the shopping district.  He’ll distract you with cute plush toys and by making you try on literally everything that he deems cute.  By the time you both get back home, your shoulders are loose and the tension between your eyebrows is gone.  Instead, you feel a little more revitalized.  Junmyeon would kiss your temple and tell you not to stress so much.  “If you start feeling that way about yourself again, just remember to get up and walk away.  It’s better to clear your mind and come back refreshed than to sit there and beat yourself up.  I can’t have my jagi thinking so poorly of herself, okay?”

Xiumin:

Minseok strikes me as someone who powers through tough times, but in a calm manner.  So say you’ve been trying to write this stupid essay for the past few hours and there’s still nothing but a blinking cursor on the screen.  You’re super frustrated and you just want to throw your hands in the air and give up.  Minseok is probably going to bring you some water, rub your shoulders a bit, and tell you it’s okay.  If you start berating yourself by saying you’re stupid or something, Minseok is going to turn your chair around and firmly tell you to stop.  ‘Just breathe’ he’ll say.  When you’ve calmed down a bit, he’ll have you explain the essay to him.  He’ll walk you through it in such a way that by the time you two are done talking, you’ll probably have a good, general idea of what you want to say.  I can totally see him sitting beside you the whole time, too.  Like, he won’t leave until you’re finished.  “See, baby?  I told you it wasn’t impossible.  You just have to remember to breathe and organize your thoughts.  Besides, I’m always here if you need someone to bounce ideas off of.” (cue affectionate bop to your nose)

Lay: 

This guy knows what it's like to struggle through things.  He understands how difficult it can be at times to stumble and fail consistently and just generally feel like a failure.  But Yixing’s philosophy is to try, try again.  So if you just couldn’t get your feet to cooperate with your brain for the choreography you’re trying desperately to master, he’ll probably stop you and make you sit down for a breather.  ‘Hydrate, baobei’ he’d say, pushing a water bottle into your hands before reaching out to massage your calves lightly.  Once your breathing was under control again, he’d have you stand up and together you would both go through the choreo at a slow pace, section by section.  Gradually he’d speed things up, pausing only to adjust you here and there, until you are finally able to get through the movements with no mistakes.  “See!  It’s not so bad!  Don’t worry about not grasping things right away.  Sometimes we just need to take our time and learn things slowly before we can perfect them.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  As long as you put your heart into, everything will work out in the end.”

Baekhyun:

This one is known to be critical of himself.  He’ll understand your frustrations with your job.  I mean, you tried your absolute hardest to get that promotion.  You’ve been slaving over your work for months now trying to prove yourself, all so that in the end the big wigs on top could just hand over something you rightly deserved to some fresh faced newbie.  What was so wrong with your work product that you didn’t deserve that job title?  You’ve been there for so long, working so diligently, how did you not get it?  Was it not good enough?  Were YOU not good enough?  Was this their subtle way of telling you that you’d never advance forward?  Baekhyun would want to stop your train of thought before it got too far ahead, because none of this was true.  He knows you work hard and he knows all the pressure you place on yourself.  It honestly breaks his heart to see you ragging on yourself, so he does the only thing he can: he makes you laugh.  Only when you’re laying on the ground in stitches, little giggles falling from your lips, does he feel satisfied.  “Listen, jagiyah, there’s nothing wrong with you or you work.  They just felt that whoever that person was could do a better job.  It’s their loss for not choosing someone as dedicated as you.  There will be other opportunities, I promise.  Just don’t blame yourself for something that’s not really in your control, okay?”

Chen:

Jongdae is a beagle, but he’s the calmest of the beagles.  He’ll patiently listen to you fuss over how you can’t get this painting just right.  How you have no idea if you’ll ever be able to finish it and it’s the most simple painting you’ve ever done, so why is it so hard to pick up the brush and keep going?  It doesn’t matter what color you throw on it, it looks awful in your opinion.  Of course, this bub, doesn’t agree.  He thinks it looks amazing, but he understands as an artist how critical we can be of ourselves.  He’ll come up behind you and hug you tightly, resting his chin on your shoulder and swaying you back and forth.  He’ll give you suggestions like, maybe throw some yellow in there or maybe neon pink!  This will make you laugh and he’ll whine about how he was serious, but ultimately he’s just happy to see a smile on your face instead of the hardcore scowl you were just sporting.  “You know, we could just throw random paint colors at the canvas and make like a million bucks.  I mean if a picture with a single line can go for four million, then certainly our masterpiece will sell for more!  Or maybe you just need a new muse!  How about me?  Naked?”  (cue eyebrow wiggles and then the subsequent whines as you fling paint at him)

Chanyeol:

Talk about a puppy!  Chanyeol is going to be so sad if he comes home and sees you crying on the couch out of frustration.  You’ve been giving this semester your all, honest to god you have been.  Things just weren’t going your way.  The teachers sucked, the coursework was incredibly difficult, and your team mates shoved most of the major project work on your shoulders.  Midterms are coming up and you just can’t breathe right now.  This giant is going to drop all his things at the door and scoop you up to sit on his lap.  Whispered nothings fill your ears as well as the sound of his steady heartbeat.  He’ll ask you to tell him what’s wrong and then proceed to tell you everything will be fine.  You’re so smart and so much stronger than you think you are.  Eventually you’re going to look back at this semester and just smile because you know you got through it with your head held high.  He’ll tell you to stand up to your classmates and shove their work back on them firmly, too.  “Do you want me to write the email, babe?  I’ll do it?  Or do you want me to have an actual conversation with them?  Cuz I will!  I definitely will!  No one makes my baby cry!”  *he’ll be pouty if you tell him he’s really not that threatening* **be sure to give him a kiss, tho...you know as thanks**

D.O:

Kyungsoo is the silent observer.  He probably knows you better than you know yourself.  He’ll notice immediately if you’re overly stressed or beating yourself up over something.  Kyungsoo reminds me of the pillar types.  He doesn’t have to say much or really even do much to remind you he’s there.  He just is.  His very presence is a calming, soothing force.  You have deadlines coming up and your editor is on your ass about the new chapter, but no matter what  you do, your writer’s block just won’t go away.  You’ve been writing and re-writing the same page for days now.  You hate all your ideas.  Honestly, you feel like you’ve done everything you can (inclusive of offing characters just for something write about), but you’re stuck.  You HAVE to get this chapter out, but right now you just feel like the biggest failure.  Why did you even become an author to begin with?  Are you even that good?  Do people even really like your work?  How can they when you suck this much?  Kyungsoo is going to have absolutely none of that.  He’ll be a lot like Junmyeon, in the sense that he’s going to force you to get up and walk away from your work desk.  He’ll sit you down in the kitchen and make you a meal, being sure that you actually eat everything on your plate and maybe even a second helping.  This guy wants you to be as healthy as possible.  That’s what’s important.  Then he’ll probably sit you down and have you talk through your ideas.  The more you talk and the more you bounce ideas off him, the clearer your plot becomes.  You rediscover ideas you had completely forgotten.  “It’s okay to be stuck, jagi.  It happens to all of us.  When you feel stuck, instead of berating yourself, come talk to me.  We’ll figure it out together, okay?  Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Kai:

This one is also pretty quiet, but just like Kyungsoo, he’s a pillar in your life.  You work with a bunch of kindergartners and lately, you’ve been having trouble with one child in particular.  He’s fussy, violent, and quick tempered.  You know he just needs attention and the proper guidance, but everything you try just seems to backfire.  On top of all that, you’ve been struggling with your lesson plans recently.  Overall you just feel less and less creative as your stress mounts.  Jongin will crawl into bed behind you and just wrap his arms around you, pulling on you slightly so you drape yourself over him.  He’ll run his fingers through your hair and rub away the tension in the base of your skull and neck.  He would quietly ask you to explain what’s happening, so you would, ending with how you feel like a failure for 1. Not being able to help the little boy and 2. For not being able to improve at your job.  He’d tut quietly and tell you, you worry too much, insisting that there wasn’t anyone in the world better than you at your job.  Jongin would reassure you that if you just keep reaching out to the child, he would eventually fall for you the same way Jongin did.  He would insist that you take a nap with him, promising that once the two of you were up again he’d help you with your lesson planning and even give some advice for the trouble child.  “It’s very hard to resist you and your charms, jagi.  You’ll see.  Just give it time.” (insert gentle kiss to the forehead)

(you are D.O.)

Sehun:

He’s a tricky one, honestly.  Sehun is both super sassy and a super sweetheart.  If you were getting frustrated with yourself because of a certain recipe you couldn’t get right, he’d probably tease you for it.  He doesn’t like to hear you talking bad about yourself (he might even lightheartedly say that’s his job), so he’ll scoff and tell you to knock it off.  No one talks bad about his jagi, not even you.  He’ll insist that you make the dish over and over again until you get it.  This is his technique and it’s always proven to work in the end.  Of course, that means there’s going to be a lot of leftovers, but he tells you not to worry about it, because he’s a guy and he has eight other grown men that will eat it up.  Free is free is free, tbh.  You never know, this could become a permanent thing that happens.  He’s going to want to try all your new recipes, even if they’re bad (though he’ll tell you straight up if they are).  Sehun strikes me as someone who is not afraid of constructive criticism, nor is he afraid of giving it.  This is a good thing.  His honesty will help you grow as a baker/cook.  That and he’ll always be super pleased when you perfect your craft each time.  “Did [y/n] make any more food?”  “What makes you think you’re worthy enough to enjoy it?” (insert classic eyebrow raise and judging face)

Admin MM

[vivaciousyellow]

y: kitchen and kokoro

dear victoria,

first of all, i’d like to apologise with much much embarrassment for how late this post came in after i’d been the one to insist on deadline like almost a month ago l o l at me

second, i love love love how you described kitchen. it’s exactly how i felt and honestly i’m so weak against the pure sentimentality that the narrator exuded through that exact kind of simple but profound style you described. the book just made me feel really nostalgic - the kind of indulgent, unproductive feeling to which i feel particularly susceptible. i wish i wrote some quotes down but just the way she expressed what home meant to her was so powerful: what she saw in different kitchens, what they told her about the residents of the house, the comfort they gave her... it made me realise more concretely what and how much home means to me.

but also omGGG victoria!!! i’m so sorry you were stuck in the cold ass fucking rain for that - and that we didn’t even make it in to burlesque to maybe take your mind off of it for the rest of night. i’m glad your mom and grandma (fuck drivers) are okay tho. and i hope your uncle is doing okay.

i’ve been trying to improve my relationship with death. i mean i’ve been pretty shielded from it but the threatening blips of its presence which have shown up on my radar and the visceral reaction they elicit suggest that i need to work on it. especially when i find my thoughts trailing over to my parents dying or getting hurt and that’s always Not Fun. especially since i’m supposedly going to Japan for an extended period of time soon. especially because my mom has all these recently accumulating physical problems that have started increasingly encroaching on her quality of life in small but significant ways, and my dad’s always so reckless, his heart is forever 21 but sometimes i feel like his mind turns forever 21 as well, and my sister. oh my sister.  

it’s amazing to me how…aggressively?? nuclear our family is. it's a product of being an immigrant family etc. etc. but as the second generation, i used to always panic that i wasn’t going to cry when second degree relatives die. then i turned 22 and suddenly im crying at most things so guess that’s not so much a concern anymore. wellp.

but yeah it’s funny to reminisce about my ~ younger days ~ when i only ever hung out with my parents and sister. they're still my everything, but definitely learning and practicing to make more meaningful connections with friends since getting into college has also been a lot, a lot of learning how to be with other people, and of learning how to go easier on myself. uhmm like crying: i’ve learned to reframe it as not something to let build up out of anxiety, just to explode out of my control then try to stop out of panic but an opportunity to willfully let feelings go and check in with myself and others. idk. basically forming intimate relationships with people is wild and y’all make me wildly feel. Personal Growth and all that shit. (gotta pat myself on the back whenever i don’t actually act like a 10 year old.)

which, segue into the books, has made reading them such a likewise affective experience. (this might be kind of spoilers?? but the plot is pretty simple, and i wouldn’t be able to spoil, like, tone and style of writing if i tried) Kokoro’s plot is loosely similar to kitchen in that it also follows the protagonist’s relationship with someone who became like family. and similarly, that person reappears in the protagonist’s life through a letter.

letters are so weird. y’know? like a physical manifestation, a snapshot of someone’s emotions in the moment. and even just the act of putting into words, feelings. i wish i studied linguistics in college, is another regret i’ve discovered. But also like once you’ve committed to writing something that’s immediately open to interpretation no matter your intention once it leaves your hand feels like a lot of responsibility - to have chosen the right words out of literal millions to perform for you whatever things you want to convey - and expectation, that the other person will understand correctly and empathize. oh! and most importantly, the hope that they’ll respond. the protagonist says during the middle part of the book that “[t]his was why i wrote letters: i hoped for a response” (88). which is so depressing. when feelings and yearnings aren’t reciprocated. which is what ghosting is i guess. actually just human connection in general. lmao i’m really just tryna get down to the really simple and obvious things in life but bear with this slow-learning bish over here.

chapter 56 particularly struck me. when the sensei frames his past, his experiences, as “personal property” to leave in the care of the protagonist (123). recently, my grandparents came to visit, and my grandma kept emphasizing that she had so many things to say to us. stories and lessons she felt incredibly compelled to pass on as soon as possible, that needed to leave her mouth unto my ears. tbh it felt a little foreboding as the recipient of this kind of energy and anxiety. energetic anxiety ? and my mom’s been talking to me a lot more often about… surviving, I guess is the word - so i don’t take so long to realize these Life Lessons. Because this is the property she’s accrued growing up, immigrating, living; property that her parents didn’t have but she can now pass on to me. i feel like there’s some sort of American Dream, capitalist metaphor/critique that can truly flourish with this idea, but I’ll leave it at this clumsy dip into the figurative waters here.

biggest takeaway of all the things my mom and grandma (and I say this endearingly) nag to me about, is 动手动脑. and, best example is this four weeks late post, but i definitely have performance anxiety and can’t get my authorial penis up when I need to, which is something i need to work on… instead of counting on myself to pull out insightful rambles a la every finals week 24 hours before the final paper is due, i should probably take notes and outline for next time. after all, there are no deadlines to inspire to sit my ass down and fight the figurative pins and needles to write when it comes to telling your own story and just thinking for the sake of thinking… 

but yeah!!! next up is a personal matter, kenzaburo oe.

much love (and chagrin @me),

ying