#this months been a little shitty but im keeping my head above the water! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hotwings0203 · 3 years ago

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HOWDY!! how are u doing?? Its that person who asked if you would write something for that deku imagine that @candy-hime wrote, about you and deku forced to live together and you corrupting him it could be you or reader but I just love that concept of corrupted! Deku 😩🙏🏾💕💕

Thank you, have a nice day/night!! 😪💜

OH HI HAHAHA MASSIVE BET, I think I’ll do a little bit of both. This will probably be a little self indulgent but I’ll still put it as an “x reader”!

Tw:noncon, misogyny, the reader is a bitch, vouyerism

It was a dare by your friends to live with Izuku Midorkya for a month if you really could handle any type of man.

You’ve dealt with Hawks’ cocky nature, Shoto’s bland comebacks, Bakugo’s constant state of rage- you’ve done it all. Any type of scummy or tiring man a girl has to date you’ve seen in all of these men. They’re practically walking red flags.

Until you’re forced to room with Deku for a whole freaking month.

You just don’t get him! Why is he always so cheery? What the fuck is he smiling about? And who the hell is he baking for? There’s only two of you in the house, it’s not like you’re his girlfriend or anything.

You don’t buy it. There has to be some kind of catch to all this facade of a gentleman.

“Hey, Y/N?” He knocks on your ajar door and peeks his cute little face in. “Did you have dinner yet? I was gonna eat but then I thought I’d have some ramen with you-“

“Did I say you could enter?” You slowly lift your head up from your laptop and glare at him. “Are you some kind of pervert? What if I was changing?”

“N-no! I’m so sorry, I should’ve let you answer first, I just wanted to see if you were hungry-“

“God, what are you, my dad? Is that what you want? For me to call you Daddy?” Sneering, you jump up from your bed and stall towards the door.

Deku stumbles over his feet to retreat after seeing the look on your face. “No! Not at all, what? Come on, I didn’t mean any harm-“

“Yeah? Then knock before you enter closet perv.” And with that, you slam the door mere inches away from his startled face as hard as you can, uncaring if the low this on the other side of the wood was his connection to it swinging shut.

“What a fucking brown-noser,” you mutter loud enough for him to hear.

It’s odd how long you wait behind the door before you can hear his footsteps retreat.

A week later you decide to amp it up a notch. There’s no way he’s so fucking green, there’s gotta be some twisted thing inside him that makes him tick.

And so on the day of his turn to do laundry, you decide to dump your fanciest and sluttiest undergarments into the laundry basket.

He’s in some dorky apron when you catch him kneeling over the bag, ruffling through clothes and spraying them with detergent like the good little boy he is.

You perch on the couch behind the laundry room and wait. He doesn’t hear a thing with his headphones blasting some stupid happy-go-lucky songs in his ears.

Eventually he pulls out your lace g-string, and stares at the crumpled mass in confusion. He unravels the lace and stares at it for a good minute or two in surprise you think.

But nonetheless, like the chivalrous man he is, he shakes his head and slaps his reddening cheeks to get over the shock before reaching for the spray.

This was your cue.

You make sure to sound out of breath and extra irritated when you flounce over to his kneeling form and snatch the garment out of his hands.

He jumps a bit and takes his headphones off when he sees your hand descending.

“Oh, it’s just you. You scared me for a sec’ there,” he laughs sheepishly and rubs his neck. “I was just doing the laundry, sorry if that looked weird.”

“Looked weird? You’re fucking disgusting, Dick-u. I’ve been looking for these for days now, and where do I find them? In your grubby little hands.”

His jaw drops open.

“Huh? No, you’ve got it all wrong! It was in the basket, I swear! You must have misplaced it by accident or something.”

“Oh, so now you’re calling me a liar? You think I’m crazy or something? Im not the one sniffing girls’ panties!”

He frantically waves his hands to negate your accusation but you merely spit on the floor next to him.

“Don’t touch my shit again you fucking freak. Go buy a pocket pussy or something since you can’t keep it in your pants.”

At this, he pinches his eyebrows together and starts getting up.

“Hold on, what’re you being so aggressive for? I told you, they were just in here, I’m not that kind of guy.”

He steps towards but you don’t back down. Rather, you jab a finger in his toned chest and bring yourself face-to-face with him.

“Dont fucking walk up to me like that you douche. You’re the one in the wrong here, so I wouldn’t be so aggressive, like you said. Come at me like that again and I’ll fuck you up.”

With the lace in hand, you barely contain your smirk as you storm back into your room, relishing in how Izuku stands like a statue in the same place as you left him, his hands curiously curling into fists and his nostrils inflated.

But behind the safety of your door, he doesn’t continue any shenanigans.

He stays relatively quiet and out of sight for a couple of days, and you start to get bored again.

So this time, you put all your cards on the table and do a double whammy.

One night you call Katsuki, a fuck buddy of yours for a while and use him to help you get off.

You’re not really horny, but the blond side does have a way of getting you there. Luckily, your room is right next to Deku’s so your plan is executed to the best extent.

“Katsuki, oh Katsuki, please. Fuck, fuck yeah, ‘wanna hear you cum for me baby, I want you to bruise my cervix,” you babble loudly as you shove two fingers in your pussy and use your thumb to press on your clit.

“Yeah, you fucking whore, you like that? You like knowing that a shitty nerd like him’s prolly getting off to you calling my name like a slut? I bet you do, keep fucking yourself to my voice, do it otherwise I’ll bruise your ass black and blue when this month’s over.”

“Kat-Katsuki please fuck meeee dadddyyyyy oh fuck-Kacchan!” You cry out and cum violently around squelching fingers.

You put the phone down for a moment to catch your breath, but hear nothing from the other room.

Your face falls as Bakugo rambles on the other end. You hang up with him mid-sentence and remove your fingers from your legs, licking it off absentmindedly and thinking of your next move.

The next morning, you don the tiniest pairs of shorts you have in your closet that accentuates the shape of your ass and the skimpiest bra you can find that shows a peek of the top of your nipples.

You tie your hair up and amble out into the kitchen where he already is, reading something on his his phone and sipping form a black mug.

He barely darts his eyes and lifts the corners of his mouth in a hesitant greeting when he sees what you’re wearing.

He chokes on his drink and does a massive double take, juice spilling from his open mouth.

You raise an eyebrow and smooth your baby hairs, rolling your eyes and walking behind him to grab your own cup.

“See something you like?” Water trickling is the only sound in the room apart from your quip.

“Uh, n-no. Just swallowed wrong I guess.”

“Wonder why,” you drawl with a bored voice and edge closer to his back.

He’s hunched over, mindlessly scrolling too-fast on his phone to be deemed as actually reading anything. You recognize this form of coping from people like yourself who try to find distractions at parties where you don’t know people, just flipping through tabs to look like you’re actually doing something.

As you walk around him again, you make sure to train your eyes on his own, hounding he out for the moment he slips.

And slip he does, but only after you pretend to stretch and lift your self on your tippy toes in front of him, your shorts hiking up to show some cheek.

It’s only for a moment, but while the cup is against his mouth and his phone in his hand, his eyes dart to the exposed skin, then back up to your triumphant eyes.

“I knew it.”

He sighs and puts his cup down. “Knew what?”

“That you were a sick little virgin who gets off on staring at girls.”

“Y/N, I wasn’t-“

“I also know,” you raise your voice above his and slowly walk over to the table on the other side across from him, leaning forward and making sure that your tits squish together as you drop them on the countertop, “that last night you were totally listening to me on the phone with Bakugo. I heard your grunts and disgusting fapping noises. You don’t have to make it so obvious that you don’t get any.”

And this time, regardless of his indignation and frustration, he can’t stop himself from watching your hands trail up the sides of your bra and slowly drag the material down, down, down until your perfect breasts spill out and embrace the cold granite.

You honestly have no idea if he jacked off to last night’s call or not, but he doesn’t seem to be denying anything.

His mouth opens the widest you’ve even seen it. His face is beet red, and he visibly starts to perspire.

Your hands mold the soft skin and squeeze until your nipples swell and peek out from between your ruthless fingers, but you still look as bored and slightly curious as ever.

“This is all you’re ever gonna get, you sad incel. Take a good long look at them since I know this is what you’ve been wanting this entire time now.”

His mouth opens and closes, but no sound comes out.

When he groans and starts to bring his down down between his legs, you strike.

“I guess I really was right. You’re not some nice guy, it was all a facade. Can’t wait to tell everyone how fucked in the head you are.” His vision starts to clear as you sneer at him again and start packing your tits back where they belong.

As you turn around, you call out over your shoulder, “Oh, and by the way? You whimper like a little bitch.”

It’s silent as you walk with your head held high back to your room, sure that you had broken him and that he was going to take his loss with his own held low.

You don’t really expect to hear the thunderous sounds of someone dragging their chair away and positively sprinting towards you.

You turn halfway and your eyes widen as you see him barreling towards you with the most terrifying expression you’ve ever seen on him.

“What the fu-“

But you don’t get a chance to finish your exclamation, because Deku body slams you onto your bed and immediately seized your wrists above your head. You can feel his hard-on rub against your mound as he straddles your flailing body and keeps you pinned between his muscles calves.

“Get off of me, are you fucking crazy?” You scream and toss your head side to side, trying to arch your back to throw him off of you-which only succeeds in pressing your mound against his.

“You teasing slut. All I’ve done is try to play nice with you, but you just had to fucking push it, didn’t you?” He rages quietly, his arms shaking in effort not to snap your wrists in half. You still as his jaw clenches and trembles, his green hair hanging over his eyes that reflect nothing but malice and hate.

You’re scared. For the first time this entire month with him, you want him away from you and off of you.

“Look, I-I messed up, I know, I’m sorry-“

“-You’re sorry?” He laughs high pitched and you cringe when he thrusts his face towards yours, practically brushing noses and seeing his bloodshot crazed eyes.

“Yeah, you will be sorry. After today, you won’t ever fuck with me again. Or at least want to. I’ll do whatever the hell I want with you though since that’s what you’ve been so hellbent on achieving, right?”

His scarred hands waste no time in yanking down your bra the same way you did before, except much less gentler than you did by yourself.

“No, no, Deku please, I’m really sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.” You whimper and struggle again beneath him, which is promptly stopped with a loud squeal when he pinches your nipple.

“Shut up. Wanton bitches like you don’t get to beg for mercy.”

He smirks and lets his tongue flop onto your strained neck, slobbering like a dog all over you.

“This is what you wanted right? For me to put you in your place and fuck your needy hole? And you had the audacity to call me disgusting,” he laughs and draws back, mocking your wobbling lips.

“Oh, oh baby don’t cry,” he holds both your wrists in one hand and uses the other to caress your cheek, slapping it hard when you turn away from his touch. “You’re just gonna get what’s coming to you.”

He indicates what he means by grinding his hips against the front of your shorts, snickering as you whimper and dipping his fingers below the hem, teasing you cruelly.

“Whose whimpering like the bitch now, huh?”

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bringingglory · 3 years ago

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@eerna oh my god acshdgagaahhdvsahsv I never expected you to see my post, so I won't lie, I feel like super embarrassed acsgsga

anyway! not gonna lie, this wip has been sitting in my drafts for months now because I wanted to see if I could plan stuff but then I got stuck because Details are hard to figure out BUT I did write out a few scenes, so I'll put them below the cut because they're kind of long. the first one is the "opening" of the fic and the second one is a sort of reimagining of the Silent Princess memory. i have a few other scenes sort of scribbled out, but these are the most "polished" of the stuff i've written alsdkfjasdfk

the opening lol

Link wakes to a faint buzzing in his ear that sends little darts of pain shooting through his skull. He waits for it to end, and when it doesn’t he groans and rolls over, smacking the space around him to find whatever was making that noise and make it shut up. He can’t fathom why his brain is rolling through his skull like that and why there’s an intense pressure behind his eyes, but when he rolls onto his side, he has to press a hand to his abdomen to settle whatever was sloshing around inside his stomach.

Ah. He’s hungover.

Link peels open his eyes and the light sends a fresh wave of pain ricocheting through his skull. He blinks once, twice, and then forces his eyes open to find a phone the size vibrating against the ground a few inches away from his hand.

Link groans and pushes himself up to a sitting position before grabbing the phone and dismissing the alarm. When the phone falls silent in his hands, he finally looks around and tries to assess the situation.

He’s sitting in a bathtub, the porcelain slightly damp from what he hopes is just water. His shirt smells vaguely of cheap vodka and he still can barely look at the sunlight streaming through the window without wincing.

A moment later, he realizes the phone in his hands isn’t his.

Link holds the phone up to his face and rubs the grogginess from his eyes. He swipes up on the screen, surprised that it isn’t protected by a password.

The phone is open on note in the notes app, and it reads:

link, if you’re reading this right now, im so sorry for leaving you in the tub like that!!! my dad’s supposed to come home from the office today and the document case i was telling you about is missing and he cant know i lost it. i know we just started getting along, and im so sorry to ask you this, but could you find the document case? impa’s in my contacts and she can help you. also you have permission to dig through my phone, just dont judge me if i have anything embarrassing on there. can you find the file by midnight? his flight leaves at 3 and i can stall him until then.

it’s 6:11 right now so i have to run before he gets back, but please hurry! i’ll be waiting for you

-zelda

Link blinks and turns the phone off.

Last night? What happened last night? Why can’t he remember anything?

Well, if his raging headache tells him anything, it’s that he had probably blacked out last night.

Link isn’t usually a drinker or a partier. He isn’t really one to go to big social events. So he’s really confused as to why he woke up passed out in a tub with zero memories.

And also, why Zelda left her phone with him.

a version of the Silent Princess memory but they're at a party and its modern

Zelda laughs. “I think I got a little too sober from the Yiga incident to enjoy the party now.”

Link isn’t sure if he’s supposed to laugh with her, but nods anyway. “Do you want to get some air?”

Zelda gives him an odd look, then sighs. “Yeah. Yes. That would be a good idea.”

Surprisingly, she grabs his forearm and leads him through all the bodies pressed against each other. He can feel the heat of her hand wrapping entirely around his arm like a hot glove, even above the heat of the late summer air and the heat from other people in close proximity.

Somehow, they make it to the other side of the house. Zelda pushes the back door open and pulls him past the other stragglers outside before they find a nice tree with a patch of grass that seems generally clear of alcohol and vomit.

Zelda releases his arm as soon as she finds the tree and she sits down, dropping her head against the trunk.

“Are you okay?” He asks.

Zelda waves her hand vaguely.

Link pauses. “Do you need water?”

“If you get me any more water, I’m probably gonna piss myself,” says Zelda. “Sit down.”

He sits down.

The crickets hum vaguely around them, mingling with the distant buzzing and thumping bass of the music from the party. But without people pressing in from all sides and an open field in front of them, it finally feels like he can take a full breath.

The silence settles over them like a blanket. It feels comfortable to him, but he isn’t sure if it’s supposed to be.

“Oh, Link, look.”

Link cranes his head to see Zelda twist around and point out a blue flower glowing vaguely in the dark. It was beautiful with blue petals so light they looked almost white, and a sky blue bleeding out from the center before fading out.

He wants to give her a questioning look, but she’s transfixed on the flower. He can see the smallest of smiles creeping up onto the corners of her mouth.

“It’s a Silent Princess,” she says. “It was my mom’s favorite flower.”

He can tell something important is happening, so he keeps his mouth shut.

“She said that we can’t grow them domestically yet, despite our best efforts.” Zelda breaks into a full smile and it’s radiant. “The Princess can only thrive out here. In the wild.”

They both turn to look back at the house as another loud WHOOP cuts through the air, followed by the sound of a can being crushed against a head.

“Nature is beautiful,” says Link.

Zelda swats him and he has to bite back a laugh.

She turns and runs a gentle finger along one of the petals before sighing and leaning back against the tree.

“Thank you,” she says suddenly. “For being there with the Yiga. And for being there the whole party.” He can hear her swallow. “I’m sorry for being a bitch.”

“You weren’t being a bitch,” says Link.

“I was, though.” Zelda inhales beside him. “I mean, just because I’m under a lot of stress from my dad doesn’t mean I’m allowed to take it out on other people. I was acting like a kid.”

“To be fair, your dad sounds like an asshole sometimes.”

Zelda snorts. “Yeah. He can be.” He turns his head to see her lean forward to fiddle with the grass. “But he’s got a lot on his plate. And it probably doesn’t help that his daughter doesn’t want anything to do with his ‘legacy.’”

“Just because your dad’s under a lot of pressure doesn’t mean he’s allowed to be an asshole,” Link points out.

Zelda finally looks up at him and offers him a small grin. “Fair enough.”

“And besides, you’re your own person. You don’t need to follow in his footsteps.”

“That’s what I said,” huffs Zelda. “But of course it’s, ‘blah blah you have a responsibility. I didn’t raise you like this so you could waste your time researching pointless things.’” She sighs. “It’s fine. It’s whatever. I came to this stupid party to blow off steam, I guess. But Goddess, I did not eat enough today to drink that many cans of shitty beer.”

Link sits upright, alert. “Do you need to get food or—”

“No, no, that’s fine.” And that smile returns and Link wonders what else he can say to make it stay. “You’re sweet. But I’ve probably gotten drunk enough tonight.” Her eyes slide up to him and the mischief in them stops his heart for a moment. “You still have to try the Hot Frog.”

Link blinked. “...what is that?”

the endings are abrupt on both of them just bc i wasn't entirely sure how to end them akldjfasd. also the "Hot Frog" is gonna be some kind of mixed drink that gets link really drunk -- me trying to allude more to the original memory from the game haha

anyway, thank you so much for the ask! and thank u for coming up with the shitpost because it made me laugh the first time i read it hasdklfj hopefully i'll continue this one day and do ur shitpost au justice!

#lmao i just realized i titled the fic 'the lelda of zelda: breath of the weath' bc of a meme i saw at the time of making the google doc #also this is completely unimportant but im normally a past tense kind of gal #so it was a bit of an experiment writing in present tense for this #i might end up switching to past tense again later anyway aksjdfhasd #anyway thank you again for the ask <3 #eerna #asks

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crimeronan · 5 years ago

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ik youre not a therapist and i dont want like therapy or anything but im 17 and ive known i was bipolar for 3 years now and i dont know how im supposed to live the rest of my life like this. im so fucking tired. how do you stay alive

you sent this a couple days ago & i’m posting at a weird time so i’m not sure if you’ll see it but.

i’ve been looking at this message trying to decide how to respond

because i don’t know your situation, your symptoms, how you’re feeling, whether you’ve had positive or negative experiences with medication, psychiatrists, therapists, hospitals, all that related shit

the bipolar life advice i give to people is vastly different depending on the individual. it’s not a one size fits all thing. and there’s never even a guarantee that my advice will be the right choice

so since i don’t know about your situation or experiences or what you want, i’m not gonna tell you what to do. i’m gonna focus on the “how do you stay alive” question and try to pen down some personal feelings. and if they help then great, and if they don’t then... this is the most honest i can be

(you can always ask another question to get a better answer. my inbox is a coin slot and i am a vending machine of varied-degrees-of-helpfulness replies offered at varied-inconvenient-too-long-intervals)

how do i stay alive

it’s a 2-parter, actually. i pondered how to condense my thoughts/feelings, and it came down to these two things

1. love 2. spite

1. love

the spite is easier to write about than the love. love is hard to reach when i feel like shit.

spite is where i go when i want to die. love is where i go when i want to want to live.

maybe i don’t want to be alive. but maybe i wish i did. spite doesn’t help me much there. spite keeps me afloat, but it doesn’t make the floating pleasurable. there’s more to life than outlasting everything that ever hurt me. i need a reason to continue when there’s no enemy to fight

so. love

i almost wrote about the spite alone because that’s rawer, realer, more visceral. that’s the shit that CONNECTS when everything feels hopeless. but it would be a lie of omission. spite is only one of the major food groups, you’ll waste away from malnutrition if you eat it for every meal. or at least, i will.

“so you’ve got a bunch of people you love,” you say, “and you stick around for them. cry on them. support each other. like each other. fine.” you’ve heard this story before

nah.

i mean - yes. i have people i love. i live with two partners, i’ve got a third girlfriend, i’ve got a long-distance platonic life partner. i have a support net, i have a family i’ve forged, i have confidence that i’m not alone. i have, in a bare-bones checklist sort of way, fulfilled my physiological human need for connection

but i could live without every single one of them. i’m not dependent upon any of them for my survival. i’m not dependent upon them for love, given or received. (this isn’t a callous cruelty, it won’t hurt them if/when they read this. i’ve told them all this, they know. they’re glad of it.)

so. what the fuck does “love” mean, then?

the short explanation is that it’s my love of life, of things in the world. it’s all the little connections i’ve made. every time i love something, a hook tethers to the universe. hook enough tethers, and i no longer feel the need to float away. no dissolution of self today, sir

the rest of this section is some of the things i love. partially it’s to show how i connect to little things and ascribe magic to the mundane. partially it’s because i like thinking about things i love, i like typing them out, and i like that i could keep going for thousands and thousands of words.

i am laying in bed at 7:30 AM with the lights off and the shades drawn. blue light comes through the slats because it’s the better time of year, the one where i finally get vitamin D, the one where the birds chirp at 4AM, the one where the sky isn’t impenetrably black til 10PM.

there’s a weighted blanket tucked around my legs. my partner rafi bought it for us to share because it’s soothing and heavy and comforting and helps with my physical pain. right now it’s soft on my skin and if i get too emotional as i write, i can pull it over me like a cloak until i’m settled.

the apartment’s walls are blank because we’ve spent eight months intending to put art up and keep forgetting. but there’s a newly-unearthed dining area in the kitchen because i finally shifted around the unpacked boxes that were dominating the space. it’s new and it surprises me every time i walk out there. it’s open and inviting and bright and it’s a sign that we’re making this place home.

we’ll put a cheap IKEA table by the window and we’ll probably never eat family dinners there - why would we sit in hard chairs and make stiff conversation when we could all cuddle on the couch - but my partner dev will create a place to do their art and the surface will be constantly littered with drying watercolor experiments.

we’ll hang our art one of these days, too, when our collective adhd offers a miraculous combo of remembering + having time + having motivation + having inspiration. rafi has the most art because they’ve been collecting it for years. i have to start smaller. i’m not used to keeping physical objects. dev has a few pieces thrifted or bought at local artist events or painted themselves

so we’ll put art up in the living room, my single “you are magic” flower print alongside a naked monster lady that dev fell in love with when we browsed art at a yuletide event months ago, alongside rafi’s monster girls and comic characters and book characters and literature art and quotes and abstract pieces and whatever else they have hiding in boxes.

my head protests that naked monster ladies do not belong in the living room, although the picture isn’t overtly sexual. but then i remember that they do, actually, because it’s our space and we can do whatever we want with it as long as the lease isn’t broken. there isn’t anyone in the local social circles who’d be perturbed by the decor, as far as i know. i don’t have to hide anything from my parents because i live 3600 miles from them, and even though i miss my mom, the distance is good for me

there are two exquisite chairs on the porch. they fold and recline from thrones to nearly-horizontal beds. there are pillows and cupholders and trays and specific spaces for both a book and a phone. i can sit there while the morning sun rises and read or play word games or browse tumblr, cup of coffee beside me, trees shielding my eyes from stabby sunbeams

there are remnants of the last tenant’s garden in one corner of the yard. we’ve done fuckall for yardwork but plants struggle through anyway. some seem to have sprouted by accident. mushroom clusters populate the edges of the fence. the apartment squirrel (there are probably several, but i like to think it’s a single energetic creature) runs back and forth along the fence & i always lose my train of thought & then laugh my ASS off at the “SQUIRREL! XD” adhd moment. birds kick up leaf litter and play on the ground looking for insects to eat, they wiggle their tail feathers and flap their wings and sometimes they disappear and then return with friends

a little more than eleven months ago, i packed all of dev’s and my shit into a uhaul and drove and drove and drove to get to this city i’d never been in before to live with a partner i’d never cohabitated with. we were homeless for more than a month, we weathered some financial disasters, we met some great people and some shitty ones

on the drive i fell in love with the sky. i didn’t know how big it can get - actually, that’s a lie. i’d FORGOTTEN how big it can get. i’ve loved the sky thirty miles out to sea, no land in sight in any direction, just blue water and blue space above. i’ve loved the vastness and the yawning beneath me and the knowledge that everything is BIGGER than i can fathom. the depth of the sea doesn’t frighten me, it’s home. i don’t want to die, but if i had to, the ocean makes a soothing grave

in north dakota i discovered that i’ve been partially blind my whole life, which is a different tale that showed me i’ll never stop learning myself. in montana we struggled up thousands of feet of mountains with the car huffing and puffing at the trailer’s weight, and when we finally coasted downward, it felt like sudden freefall. we ended up in the pitch darkness of night on sheer winding interstates with midnight construction projects forcing detours. the mountains felt hungry, they had teeth. mountain cliffs are much scarier to me than the ocean depths

i bought a red bull and poured a little out the driver’s side door as an offering to hermes, because i’m not particularly religious but i’ll take help where i can get it. slammed that back in a few gulps and shook to bright-eyed alertness and ended up behind a slow-driving red pickup truck that guided us over about a hundred miles of mountain terrain

i thought, that’s just some construction worker driving between sites. the roads are empty at this time of night, but it’s an interstate. of course we’d end up behind someone. this isn’t divine intervention. this isn’t the benevolence of a god

i thought, but it can be a little magic. if i want it to be.

and it was. it stays with me.

god help me but i’ve been writing this stream of consciousness for more than 30 minutes and i’ve said nothing. i haven’t talked about the city, the parks, the people, the conversations, the books, the tv shows, the movies, the communities, the library, the animals, writing, reading, singing, acting, swimming, analyzing, creating, supporting, building. and i can keep going. i can come up with hundreds and hundreds of things i love and i can write paragraphs about all of them

so i’ll stop here. you get the picture. love is the life i’ve made for myself, the surroundings i’ve built, the quiet moments i can capture, the inspiration i pin, the magic i commit to memory.

i had to work so damn hard for every single bit of this.

i’ll be fucking damned if i let it go because my brain tried to trick me into thinking death is better.

2. spite

there are people who want me to die.

i don’t mean that i have a giant entourage of personalized enemies who curse my name and plan my individual demise. although there have been plenty of people who have not liked me much. probably some of them would enjoy my death. i don’t give a shit about that

there are people who want me dead because i am a dot on a grid they dislike. a faceless anonymous enemy who meets too many bad criteria with numbers and percentages and shrinking majorities and shifting public opinion

because i’m gay. because i’m bipolar. because i’m autistic. because i’m a dropout. because i grew up poor. because my spine curves and my shoulders ache. because i squandered my potential, because i didn’t have enough potential, because i didn’t love god enough, because i love the wrong gods, because i don’t worship, because i worship wrong, because i didn’t seek a husband, because i never wanted one, because i talk too much, because i can’t be controlled, because i chose to leave the fold when i realized it was suffocating me, because i’m ugly, because i’m gorgeous, because my body belongs to me

pick your poison.

this bothered me growing up, a lot. i knew i did not deserve to die. but if enough people tell you that you should, a little part of you will wonder if they’re right. that little part might become bigger the closer they get and the louder they shout and the longer they wear you down

we know the rough shape of this story, i don’t need to tell it. mine was messy and not triumphant and i survived more by chance than premeditation.

i’m older now. by and large i’m still young as shit - i’m 24 - but GOD i am LEAGUES away from 15, 16, 17. i know who i am. i know what i want. i know how to get it. and when i don’t know that, i find out. i tell the truth. i ask for what i want. i use my time how i want. i do what i want.

there are days that i can’t access the “love” side of the equation. no finding poetry in birdsong or sugared coffee for me, thank you, i feel like shit and the world is awful and everything is too big and fast and cruel and everything wants me to die and it wants everything i love to die, too. everyone i love. it’s all garbage. the good doesn’t touch me

trauma is difficult to describe. the difficulty is compounded by the fact that my trauma is influenced by my various neurodivergences, bipolar included. i never know if i’m feeling what other people do. i don’t know if i’m voicing unpalatable feelings others are afraid to express - or if i’m just othering myself, admitting i’m not as human as everyone else.

there is something malevolent and monstrous inside me. i don’t touch it all the time. but i don’t pretend it isn’t there. it sits in my chest and molders or radiates or oozes. it presses at my throat. it curdles in my stomach. it hurts what it touches, whether that’s me or someone i love or someone i hate. it sets things aflame with no regard for the precious or the fragile. it tears down walls and razes shelters and begs for apocalyptic rain.

i can give this thing names, clinical descriptors. i know what it is on a diagnostic chart, in a ponderous article, in an academic debate, in a fiction novel, in a war movie, in a memoir. there are a thousand ways to describe this thing. the descriptors aren’t important. what is important is this - i have learned that most people do not walk side-by-side with a tornado-hurricane-hellfire-weaponized-open-nuclear-reactor. this is not a “normal” expression of human emotion, this is not me trying to ascribe power to “bad bipolar feelings.” this thing lives in me and i know why it’s there and it is not designed to be held/silenced/muzzled/controlled by my body.

it does not help to pretend this thing does not exist. it does not help to try to reason it away or ignore it or tell it to stop. it wants what it wants, it does what it does. possibly if i was better at therapy or stubbornness then i wouldn’t resign myself to that

but it is fucking EXHAUSTING to try to fight something that’s part of me. to try to reshape it, rename it, pare it down, make it consumable for the masses. it’s a war i have never won and it’s a war that i will lose if i keep fighting it. i cannot fight with myself. i cannot beat my monster into submission. if we’re gonna battle like that, head to head, me trying to cut it down, me trying to be the hero, it rearing back like a fire-breathing dragon,

then it’s stronger. it’s always stronger.

so i surrender.

but that’s not where i stop.

can’t fight it. can’t kill it. can’t muzzle it. can’t reshape it, can’t disarm it, can’t contain it.

alright.

so what now.

if the surrender was a full giving-up, this is where i’d passively accept that i’m doomed to hurt and destroy everything precious to me. can’t fix it. will lose everything, will never experience or deserve happiness, will make the world worse simply by existing.

that sure does sound like impending-doom rhetoric. hop skip and a jump from some dire-ass conclusions.

so fuck that, i say.

here’s a better question.

if it has to get out, then what happens if i control where it goes?

here’s the thing.

the monster doesn’t care what it kills or destroys or hurts.

“have a conscience, care about things, remember love, stop yourself, don’t do this don’t do this don’t do this.”

losing battle. lost war.

it’s not the monster’s fault. the monster doesn’t have complex motivations or hates or fears. it exists to protect me through scorched earth. a remnant of a chemical imbalance, maladaptive coping mechanism, bipolar crazy, traumatized injury. it doesn’t know that its job is obsolete.

i can’t change the monster.

but my mind is a separate thing. my mind knows what matters, what my priorities are, what i find precious, what i want to protect. my mind remembers all the things the monster doesn’t.

my mind has learned things the monster can’t.

when i fight it head-on, the malevolence is stronger than me. but as i am, walking with it, sitting in my bed writing this while examining the void and the consciousness, describing it, quantifying it,

that’s when i’m stronger.

and with my mind as the stronger force, i can decide where the monster goes. what it touches. what it destroys. what it burns. where the ashes land.

i do not want to be a destructive person. i want to be someone who builds, repairs, changes. i want to make the world better for kids like me. i want to stop pouring more gasoline onto a fire that’s been burning since long before i was born. i want to believe - i do believe - that positive change is better than negative. i do my best to plant good things and enact that positive change instead of becoming a beacon of wrath.

but there are a lot of kids surrounded by people who want them to die, and not all of them have a protective monster.

so it’s good.

when i’m depressed, my mind loses its battles. my cognizance slips. i forget why i care. i forget what i want. i forget how happiness feels, how to find pleasure in quiet moments.

i don’t get depressed as often as i used to since my meds are adjusted correctly now. but it still happens. it will keep happening for the rest of my life.

my mind weakens and curls up and stops fighting, and the monster is always there.

it’s a very powerful thing when it wants to be.

it wants to survive.

the thing is, it knows there are people that want me/us/whatever dead. it’s been fighting them forever. die like they want? my mind says, sure, what does it matter.

the monster says, nah. our work isn’t done. and fuck them, anyway.

so we get up.

so that’s how i stay alive.

i typed this for 90 minutes and after editing i’d spent two hours on this post. i don’t know if anyone will read it all. i don’t know if it’ll mean anything. i don’t know if these thoughts even make sense, much less if i’ve conveyed the feelings i have.

i love being alive. and when i don’t, i love being a monster. it’s good. all of it is good. i’ve reconciled my uglier pieces. it’s not one or the other, love or spite. it’s symbiosis. i need both, i love both.

no guarantees that this is helpful, but based purely on my own life experience, these are my tips for survival:

you’ll have to find your own roots. i can’t give them to you.

but it’s possible to dig them in and spread them far enough that one uprooted peg doesn’t shift your whole equilibrium.

and when you’re tired, rest, and let yourself be tired, and find the reason why you’re staying in the world.

i’m positive there’s at least one.

figure out why you’re losing your battles and then change the game.

if you can’t win one setup, don’t try to beat the system. adjust your strategy.

you’ll be surprised by what you can love when you stop fighting the disparate pieces of you, and instead figure out how to use them.

#i have several other questions to answer in my inbox if you've asked me st over the past few weeks #im not ignoring it im figuring out how to phrase my reply #replies #bipolar blogging #actuallybipolar #my writing #life advice #long post #REALLY long post #it's under a read more but if mobile deletes it i apologize #c ptsd tag #suicide m #ok to reblog #Anonymous

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testifytime · 4 years ago

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do everything for me, you already know about me BUT: im described as "chaotic faggot" by my friends, i have no filter, I can switch from being outgoing to really nervous in a second, i like drawing, dice, and divinitation. i hoard candles and incense, and i like paintball.

- A Pokemon team/type theme (+ fun facts abt your team!)

Your team is full of Poison types! They’re used the most often for rascly lil fucker trainers, so, it fits :3c

Your signature Pokemon is Toxtricity, though your team also consists of Whirlipede, Haunter, Gloom, Toxicroak, and Crobat!

Fun facts!

Your Toxtricity was sent to you by your juggabro. In his words, it’s a “cool Pokemon to fit your aesthetic but keep you on track”. It can be pretty overprotective, but sometimes it turns a blind eye to the more chaotic things you do.

Your Whirlipede is just an entire baby. Even though it’s got toxic spikes on its shell that COULD kill you, it’s pretty much a lapbug. You just have to try and remind it to be careful before it goes in for snuggles.

Your Haunter and Gloom actually kind of hate each other! Having them out at the same time often ends up with you either getting paralysed or put to sleep. They’re super sweet when they’re apart, though, and both LOVE scritches.

Toxicroak used to be really loveydovey when it was a Croagunk, but now it acts like it’s too cool for school. It’s really not. If you pay more attention to another Pokemon it WILL jab you in the stomach. And then it’ll pretend like it totally wasn’t even because it was jealous.

Your Crobat is the sweetest of the bunch!! It likes to collect (read: steal) things for you that it thinks you’ll like, and is almost always attached to your back out of its Pokeball. Sometimes without you wanting it to be. It can be a bit of a pain, sometimes.

- Bloodcaste/lusus/chumhandle as if you were a Homestuck troll (+lore)

You’re a purpleblood with a seaserpent lusus! Your chumhandle is acquiredTalisman.

You live with your lusus in a hive that boarders where the jungle forest ends and the beach begins. It’s a pretty popular spot for violetbloods, admittedly, but it’s also the only place your giantass Seaserpentdad can actually fit; the mouth of the river is deep and leads directly out into the ocean, where he spends most of his time. The hive itself is pretty cluttered - because man, you suck at keeping shit tidy - and filled to the brim with your dice collections, your religious paraphenalia, and all the random junk you’ve stolen (of which there is a lot).

You have a few interests, of which the main is your religion. You’re a diviner of sorts, oddly sought out by your fellow purplebloods to tell them what their purpose is in life as stated by the Great Mirthful Messiahs. You’re not entirely sure that they really do speak through you, but your readings are scary-accurate, and not only does it mean that you’ve made more friends, but you’ve made a fuck tonne of money, too. You’re more fond of practicing with your friends, or on your own, sneaking what you can beneath your lusus’ snout; so far, he hasn’t seemed to question the candle collection you have, or the alter with the Faygo bottlecaps, or the cards, or pendulum made from a grubbone you got from one of your customers. Actually, he hasn’t noticed much of anything? You’re hesitant to go TOO far, but you do like pushing at what you can get away with every now and then.

On top of that, you love to draw - mostly as a form of worship, but also just for fun with your juggabros. You send drawings back and forth, even though you’ve never been able to meet them, and it’s pretty fun! You hope one day that you can get them to your favourite hangout spot to cause a little chaos - which usually means trashing the violetbloods’ rich boy shit and stealing things you know they’re too proud to tattle about. You don’t... always remember doing those things? But you definitely remember the amount of violetbloods that give you nasty glares whenever you walk past. It’s okay, though. You have a rifle and you’re not afraid to use it.

Beyond that, though, you’re... kind of lonely. There’s nobody that you really consider a friend around you, and when your friends do visit you, it’s only every few months. Having all those customers and the nasty violetbloods hanging around is great, sure, but... sometimes you wish you could move your hive closer inland to be near your juggabros. You could, you guess. But then where would your lusus go?

Your lusus is kind of ridiculously huge. You really couldn’t miss him even on the horizon, his giant form standing stark against the two moons. Not that he spends a whole lot of time above the water, though. He pretty much only comes back to get fed and throw a fit if he sees any of your purpleblood customers hanging around.

- Symbol/guardian/chumhandle as if you were a Homestuck kid (+lore)

Your symbol is a and your guardian is your big bro! Your chumhandle is augmentedTemptation.

You and your older bro kick it in a sweet lil bottom-floor apartment. It’s kinda dingy, kinda shitty, but it’s the best he can afford and you’re not really one to complain when you know how hard he works just to keep the leaky roof over your head. It’s got everything you want out of a home, anyway; separate bedrooms, tiny bathroom, sweet hangout pad that doubles as a kitchen (which you’ve got a curtain draped over so that it looks like they’re two rooms) - it’s pretty neat. It’s also got a fire escape out the back and easy access to the lobby doors that’re easy to pick, so you figure it’s kinda home.

You absolutely fucking love to play paintball. You’ve got a painball gun that you maybe stole from the store once, and a couple pellets you’ve been buying for cheap online whenever you have the money. You don’t... actually have anyone to play with, but hey, cop cars make a great target. It feeds into your general need for chaos, which isn’t limited to - but has involved - petty theft, breaking into cars, and spray painting defametory phrases against racists and homophobes on billboards. You’ve never actually been caught. Okay, you got caught once, but you’re really good at crying. You’re pretty sure your bro doesn’t know about that.

You like to practice witchy shit in your spare time. You’ve got altars set up for your patrons, and a candle collection that you really don’t know that you’re ever gonna burn through. Plus, incense! Your bro kind of hates the smell, but you just crack open a window and it’s like he doesn’t even know. You’ve also got a pretty fair collection of crystals, but that’s more because people just keep giving them to you? It’s wild what they’ve thought were just normal rocks, and you’re pretty sure some of your collection could sell for a pretty buck, but they make way better offerings.

Of course, you also love to talk to your friends online. You have a bunch! You’re pretty easy to get on with, you think, so you end up just kinda collecting people into one giant group of friends that never stops growing. You share art, play games, chat, make them worried sick when you do dumb shit - it’s great.

Sometimes at dusk you like to go up to the roof of the apartment block you and your bro live in and stand right on the edge. It’s so high up you can see around for miles, and everything below you looks like a speck of dust beneath your feet. The stars twinkle above you in the darkening sky, just barely visible, and you think, every now and then, that you are very, very small.

- A FNAF animatronic design and name

You’re a broken down animatronic, probably one of the earliest of your kind. Maybe even a prototype? Nobody really remembers anymore. You’ve just kind of always been there, at the back of the store, half a body and more coherent than people expect you to be, but never fully quite there. Your head lulls back and forth, your arms moving sluggishly, and in order to get around, you drag yourself across the floor.

You can speak, but not by much. It’s glitchy and switched out more often than not, absolutely terrifying to hear in the dark - but you’re a pretty sweet soul, all things considered. The few who’ve been brave enough to slip back behind the old, abandoned doors, past the cobwebs and through the narrow halls, who haven’t run at the first sight of you, tell tales of a sweet carcass who seemed more scared of being found than anything else.

There are a couple kids who routinely come back to visit you. They like to give you things they’ve found outside the pizzaria, mostly coins and old dice and things that smell sweet to try and cover up how musty you are.

You’ve never hurt a soul the entire time you’ve been there, but your reputation has been built on the whispers of kids who’ve seen the rotting maw of your muzzle, the glint of your endoskeleton and the shine of your eyes in the dark. They call you Thing - as if giving you a name will make you come to life.

The ones that know you better call you Peppi.

- A BNHA Quirk and hero title

Your Quirk is Corroding Touch. Despite its name, and how terrifying it sounds, your quirk is pretty simple! Anything you touch wastes away, and you can control how far along its own personal timeline it decays through. For instance, you could touch a flower and have it start wilting, and stop there on its timeline - or you could have it waste away to a point that it decays completely and turns to mush.

The drawback here is that what you’re doing is essentially speeding up a natural process. Things that don’t waste away without outside forces - such as rocks through erosion - won’t be affected by your quirk. Things that live very long lives before decaying - such as turtles - will take up a lot more of your time to speed them through their natural timeline. Finally, you can’t reverse what you’ve done. Once you’ve sped it through its natural timeline, there’s no going back; another quirk will have to undo the effects.

Of course, it also means that if you plant an oak seed, instead of waiting hundreds of years for it to grow into an oak tree, you can just use your quirk to speed up the process. So it’s a good-bad thing!

Your hero title is the Wasteful Hero: Corrosion. You’re a sort of last-resort hero, and you don’t like being in the limelight. Your quirk is dangerous if not handled correctly, so you work on a team with another hero who has a counter-effective quirk to yours (essentially Hyper Growth!). A lot of civillians are scared of you, but that’s okay. You know that what you do is important, and that your ranking doesn’t matter so long as you’re saving lives.

You are a little bitter, though, that your partner is several ranks ahead of you.

#turnfagshithead #long post//#heartless prince rambles

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hermannsthumb · 5 years ago

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Vacation au prompt?? Hermann’s trying to relax at the beach and keeps getting distracted by a certain tattooed surfer who seems like they can’t actually surf very well...

HEHE...... ;)))))))) also i should mention the description of newt’s cottage is a very real cottage just down the road from the beach house im staying in now

------------------------------------------

The point of it all is that Hermann needs to relax. That’s what his colleagues told him. That he’s too high-strung, too tense, too fixated on his work. He needs to make friends. He (bachelor he is) needs to meet Someone. He needs a break. He needs a vacation. Maybe there’s truth to it--in Hermann’s ten years as a professor, and his five years holed up in various laboratories before that, he has never once taken a break. He’s never once taken time to enjoy himself outside of his numbers and his chalkboards (which he really does enjoy).

Whatever Hermann’s reasoning, the semester’s end has tossed three months of absolutely nothing to do into his lap once more, and--instead of locking himself away in his home office with his research, as he typically might--he dips into his untouched and expansive savings account and rents himself a beach cottage. It’s quiet, and quaint, just like the town it’s in, barely more than a single bed, bathroom, and kitchen. It’s just what he thinks he needs. The sea air will be good for his joints, perhaps, particularly his leg. He can get a little sun. He’s always so dreadfully pale.

He experiences a few major setbacks the moment he reaches the town.

There is the cottage, which is far more unkempt than the photographs online led Hermann to believe. The porch is sagging badly, with wooden planks that creak worryingly beneath Hermann’s feet; the front lock sticks; the hot water takes a good minute to kick in; the showerhead leaks. (The bed, at least, is comfortable, and there is a pleasant view of the ocean from one of the two windows.) Then there is the matter of the sun and the sea breeze, or really the lack thereof--it rains the entirety of his first week, and Hermann does not leave the cottage (which also leaks, he discovers) once. It’s fine, really. He brought his research just in case, so it’s not as if he’ll get bored.

The sun reemerges on a rather breezy Tuesday, though it’s weak and watery, and only in bursts behind clouds, which means it’s an ideal day to finally make the quick trek down to the beach and get set on properly relaxing. No threat of sunburn. Hermann applies sunblock and shrouds himself in white linen and a sunhat anyway just in case.

It’s difficult to navigate across the sand with his cane at first, but Hermann manages eventually, and he sets up his chair on the flattest looking spot he can find and settles in to read his book. It’s a good beach day all around, by virtue of it being a bad beach day for anyone else--no shrieking children or obnoxious teenagers. It’s practically deserted.

Practically.

There has been a man surfing since Hermann got here. Or perhaps trying to surf--he has not, in fact, successfully caught a single wave. Or really even managed to stand up on his board (which is painted an eye-stinging neon green). Hermann watches him slip off of it no less than three times; on attempt number four, he manages to crouch, at least until he’s wiped out again. It’s like some sort of terrible trainwreck. Hermann can’t bring himself to look away. On attempt number eight, the wave that hits the man is big enough to drag him and his surfboard all the way to the shore, and he hits the wet sand with an audible smack that makes Hermann wince. When he doesn’t immediately pop back up, Hermann sighs, tosses aside his book, and prepares to struggle across more sand.

He’s still laying on his stomach by the time Hermann gets to him. He looks as if he’s still breathing, so he probably hasn’t snapped his neck or anything like that. “Are you alright?” Hermann says, and, after a second, prods the man’s arm with the end of his cane.

“Peachy,” the man mumbles. “Why’d you ask?”

“It looked painful, is all,” Hermann says. “I wanted to make sure you were--well, conscious.”

The man turns himself over with a small groan, and--even through the layer of sand that coats his forehead and nose, and despite his wild wet mass of hair--Hermann is startled to find he’s quite attractive. Hazel eyes. Freckled, unshaven cheeks. A nice roundness about him that his tight swim trunks accentuate. Torso and arms full of extensive, elaborate tattoos. He squints at Hermann for a few seconds in what looks like mild confusion. “Aw, fuck. I lost my glasses.”

There’s a black, chunky-framed pair of eyeglasses sticking out of the sand next to the man. Hermann flicks them towards him with his cane, though, privately, he can’t begin to wonder how the man thought it was a good idea to take them in with him. “Are these yours?”

The man fumbles along the ground for a few moments and lets out a triumphant little shout when he touches the frames. He slides them on and blinks at Hermann; then his face splits into a wide grin. “Hey, there.”

“Hello,” Hermann says, warily.

“I’m Newt,” the man says. He wipes a great deal of sand off of his face and smooths back his hair. “Uh. Did you see me surfing?”

“I wouldn’t exactly call it surfing,” Hermann says, and Newt laughs.

“It’s my first day,” he says. “I know I suck. Still. Not bad, I don’t think, for a first day.”

“Mm,” Hermann says. He fidgets. “Well, if you’re fine, I really ought to be--”

Newt scrambles to his feet. At full height, he’s much shorter than Hermann realized. “What’s your name?” he says. “Since you saved me and all, I feel like it’s only fair if I know.”

His smile is even nicer up close. Hermann clears his throat. “Dr. Hermann Gottlieb,” he says, wondering if he should mention that he really did nothing, in fact, and certainly didn’t save Newt from anything. “I’m--ah--I’ve just gotten here.”

“Doctor,” Newt says. “Hey, me too. The doctor part, I mean, I live here. I study marine biology. Perfect place for it, right? It’s amazing to study all this shit in its--” He wiggles his hand. “Natural habitat. I watched sea turtles hatch last week. Dr. Newton Geiszler. Please just keep calling me Newt, though, I hate--the whole thing. Can I just call you Hermann? Unless you want the whole thing. I like the name Hermann.”

“Mm,” Hermann says again.

Newt rubs the back of his neck, deflating a little. “So. Uh. What do you study?”

“Astrophysics,” Hermann says.

“Cool,” Newt says. “Here for vacation, then?”

“For around three months,” Hermann says. “It’s...nice,” he finishes, lamely. It’s not a lie. He supposes it has the potential to be nice around here eventually. He might even enjoy himself at one point. “It was nice to meet you, Newton.” He nods at Newt, hoping he takes the hint, and turns to leave.

Newt does not take the hint. “Newt,” Newt corrects, trailing after him, surf board in tow. “Hey, do you mind if I sit with you?”

Hermann gives a sigh, though he finds he does not truly abhor the idea of spending a little more time with the strange little man. “I suppose not,” he says.

“Sweet,” Newt says. He plops down next to Hermann’s beach chair and stretches his arms above his head, grunting a little with the effort. Hermann looks away quickly. “Where are you staying, by the way?”

“The small yellow cottage at the end of the road.”

“The really shitty one?” Newt says. Hermann bristles; Newt grins sheepishly. “Sorry. I mean the, uh, charming little one?”

“That’s the one,” Hermann says. He hums. “It is somewhat...different than I expected.” He can put up with the leaky roof and sagging floor for the price he got. Practically a steal.

“I bet,” Newt says. “Anyway, we’re neighbors. I have the one across from you.”

Hermann winces a little. Of course Newt does--of course he owns the equally tiny and equally dilapidated bright turquoise monstrosity across the street from Hermann, the one with sea creatures and tropical flora painted all up the sides, the overgrown shrubbery, the multiple surfboards stacked on the sparse grass. “That’s yours?” he says. He should’ve recognized Newt’s handiwork: the sea creatures inked across Newt’s arms and chest are startling similar to those on the cottage.

“Sure is,” Newt says, grin turning cheeky.

“It’s certainly...unique,” Hermann says.

Newt doesn’t say anything after that, so Hermann makes a show of picking up his book, shaking off the sand, and flipping to the page he marked off. He gets a paragraph before Newt starts to run his mouth again. “You know, there are some really cool tidepools further down the beach. Ten minute walk, maybe. If you wanted to look at them--”

Hermann snaps his book shut; Newt recoils. “Newton. I appreciate your--friendliness, but I really would like to finish this chapter, so if you wouldn’t mind--”

“Sorry!” Newt stammers, guiltily. “Sorry, sorry. Of course. I’ll shut up.”

He does. In fact, he even goes as far as to slink off back to the shoreline. Hermann, book forgotten, watches him poke around at the shells pushed there by high tide and occasionally pocket some. He also watches the way Newt’s swim trunks pull taut over his ass each time he bends over. It’s as if he’s doing it on purpose--as if he knows Hermann is sneaking glances, and wants to put on a show.

Hermann pretends to be deeply invested in his book when Newt returns. He also pretends that his ears and cheeks aren’t burning a bright pink. A wet hand prods Hermann’s arm. “Ah. Yes?” Hermann says, eyes flicking up.

Newt is presenting a small piece of fossilized coral, some seaglass, and a miniature conch shell barely larger than his fingernail out to him. He looks embarrassed. “Here.”

“Is this--?”

“It’s for you,” Newt says, and, wordlessly, Hermann takes all three from him. “Sorry I was being an annoying dick. I don’t have many people to talk to, and I got--excited.”

“Oh,” Hermann says. He rubs his thumb over the seaglass. It’s the same shade as the flecks of green in Newt’s eyes. Something warm bubbles in Hermann’s chest. “Er. Newton. Where were those tidepools?”

Newt is more than eager to lead him off down the beach, and twice as much so to talk his ear off and interrogate him about anything that comes to his mind. The seaglass and coral has put Hermann in a good mood and he answers it all readily. Newt plays the ukulele; Hermann can’t, but he was forced into piano lessons as a child, and has retained the skill into adulthood. Newt loves jellyfish and starfish and swimming; Hermann loves his telescope. Newt bicycles everywhere, because he never learned to drive; Hermann drives everywhere, because he could never bicycle. Newt is single. Hermann is single.

Neither says anything for a few moments after this last revelation. Hermann is mildly surprised; as talkative and, er, bold as Newt is, he is fairly attractive, and someone other than Hermann must’ve taken an interest in those pretty eyes and round freckled cheeks by now. To say nothing of his obvious enthusiasm for his field of study, which Hermann finds fairly attractive as well.

(Hermann, to a slightly greater extent, is also pleased by this revelation.)

“Here we are!” Newt suddenly exclaims, and he squats down on a rock at the edge of one of the tidepools. It’s large, the size of a small swimming pool, but the water is clear and shallow and Hermann can see the bottom without a problem. He can see why Newt brought him here, too; there are about three starfish scattered across in it, as well as some strange, fuzzy-looking plants. Right up Newt’s alley of interests.

“Lovely,” Hermann says. Newt’s hair has dried since his disastrous attempts at surfing, and he can see now that it’s a nice shade of brown, lighter than Hermann’s own, and wavy and soft-looking. The breeze ruffles it gently. He realizes Newt’s talking to him. “Ah. What did you say?”

Newt flashes him another grin. “I said--” He leans in closer to the tidepool, index finger extended in the direction of one of the fuzzy plants (he wears several rope bracelets around his wrist), and immediately slips off the rock and into the water with a yelp.

Hermann startles. “Newton!”

Newt pops up with his knees bunched up to his chest, one hand pressing his glasses to his face. He’s laughing. “I’m good,” he says. He pushes his hair back. “I think I gave the starfish a fucking heart attack, but I’m good.”

Hermann inches his way across the slippery rocks, his own free hand outstretched. “Here, Newton, let me--”

The end of his cane hits air; he flings his arms out, uselessly, in an attempt to steady himself, and then topples forward right on top of Newt.

Newt, to his credit, does try to catch him.

The water is not as cold as Hermann expected, though it shocks him anyway, and his trousers and shirt are soaked almost instantly; his sunhat is swept clean off his head; his cane clatters against the rocks; he lands with his face pressed to Newt’s shoulder, in Newt’s outstretched arms, Newt’s widened eyes mere inches away. More shocking than the water is how warm Newt is, though. Warm and solid. He smells like saltwater--to be expected--and sweat. “Shit, dude!” Newt exclaims, tugging at the white linen at Hermann’s back. “Are you okay?”

Hermann struggles to push himself up. Not because the rocky tidepool bottom beneath them is slippery, which it is, but because he’s laughing too damned hard. “I’m terribly sorry,” he wheezes, “I don’t know--”

Newt’s concern melts away; he, too, starts giggling a little. “No worries,” he says. “Uh. Let’s just--”

They manage to make it out of the tidepool eventually, after a great deal of splashing and slipping, and Hermann is reunited with his cane and sunhat. None of the starfish appear to have been harmed. The same can’t be said for Hermann’s white linen, unfortunately; he doubts he’ll ever wash the grey tinge of seawater out of them. He’s not too upset about it.

Hermann allows Newt to take his arm on the walk back, after their fingers brush together a few times and Newt casts several shy, obvious glances down at their hands. He’s finding himself strangely charmed by Newt. Even strangely fond. "I’ve been meaning to ask,” Newt says, still so shy. “Uh. Would you want to--I mean--there are plenty of good spots for dinner, and it’s getting late--”

Hermann squeezes Newt’s arm and gives him a small smile. “Yes,” he says.

#newmann #maria's fanfiction tag #to borrow the tag:#manic pixie dream scientist #Anonymous

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shattersstar · 6 years ago

Text

a conversation between ex lovers

Pairing: Dick Grayson x Reader Excerpt: Dick stirred beside you, giving you another reason to look at his gorgeous face. He looked tired, than again didn’t he always? It used to scare you when you’d find yourself forgetting those little details of your relationship, the routines and conversations that had once meant everything to you. Now it was only a far away annoyance that you came to accept. “I wanted to give you these.” Dick pulled out an envelope, eyes not drifting from your face. Warnings: break up stuff as the title suggests, fluff a/n: i have such and obsession with mr grayson and marriage lately.,,.,im worried lmao. Enjoy and feedback is always appreciated !

Dick sat on the ground, his back pressed against the couch as he shuffled through a handful of photos. They made him smile like dark chocolate, in a bittersweet sort of way. His suit was pulled to his waist, his clavicle no longer bleeding, albeit only halfway bandaged. He hadn’t remembered tucking a handful of photos into his first aid kit, pushing the memories away with them, but he was glad to have found them after stumbling through his window twenty minutes ago. You always loved taking photos, being able to hold a memory in your hands. He was sure you’d want some of these, and for the first time in six months, Dick found himself calling you.

You were sitting on the pier, the cool winds rippling the water. You stared across the water to the city you had left many moons ago, its dark smog still pulling you back every now and then. Gotham looked shitty up close and from the distance. There really was no winning with that city. The thought made you laugh, knees dragging to your chest as you checked the time. You were shoving your phone back into your pocket when you heard the crunch of gravel behind you. You glanced over your shoulder to see the only person who left you swooning, and angry all at once. Dick sighed as he sat beside you, shoulders rolling and sunglasses shading his face. You watched all his movements to settle next to you, remembering the intricacy he always moved with. You pulled his sunglasses off without much thought, lips pursuing at the large bruise that tapered along his eye.

“Some things never change.” You smiled, not too sure if the sight of Dick’s battered and bruise appearance tugged at old heart strings, and jabbed at unhealed wounds.

“You look good.” He met your gaze with hesitation, wondering when he ever hesitated about anything when around you.

“That’s about the most cliche thing you could’ve said,” You snorted, letting your legs fall to hang in front of you. “Keeping up with these cliches, how was the drive over?”

“Fine, I stopped by to see Clark first.”

“Yeah, he mentioned you might. He was pretty excited when you called me.” You shrugged, a silence creeping between you two, reminding you of the distance you had purposely put between you and him. “Why’d you wanna meet Dick, it’s almost been six months since we–”

“He thought we’d get married y’know?”

“What?”

“Clark always said he thought we’d get married, he mentioned it again today.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time.” You and Dick both laughed, closing that forced distance only slightly.

Dick stirred beside you, giving you another reason to look at his gorgeous face. He looked tired, than again didn’t he always? It used to scare you when you’d find yourself forgetting those little details of your relationship, the routines and conversations that had once meant everything to you. Now it was only a far away annoyance that you came to accept. “I wanted to give you these.” Dick pulled out an envelope, eyes not drifting from your face. You took it with trepidation, if he was trying to give you money you were going to launch him into the harbour. You opened it, pulling out a few of the photos you’d long forgotten. You expression of carefully crafted nonchalance faltered as the memories you’d long moved passed crept into your mind. “Oh.” Was all you could breathe, flipping through them momentarily.

“I found them in the first aid kit, I just thought you’d want to see them.” He exhaled, brushing his messy locks from his face.

“You need a haircut.” You muttered, pointing to one of the photos of him with shorter hair.

“I like it now.” He pouted, earning a shake of the head from you.

“It does suit you actually.”

“Thanks.” He said softly, shifting closer as the photos suddenly held a new meaning to him. He’d seen them a million times as this point, compulsively (and a unhealthily) flipping through them in his spare time leading to this day. But now looking at them with you, that melancholic gloom that danced through each glossy picture melted away. There was a fondness in it all, a warmness in the photos. “We were pretty hot together.” You teased, nudging him as you gestured to a photo taken at a gala. The tip of Dick’s ears burned warm as his arm was wrapped around your waist in the photo, your gaze was fallen on whoever forced you to pose for this, while Dick’s eyes were all on you. “Yeah, we were.” He cleared his throat, a smirk pulling at your lips as you both were very fond with the memory of what happened on the way home. You continued to look through them, making a few comments and jokes.

Dick wished he had brought the others, the ones he was too scared to part with, only so you could spend more time close together like this again. You chuckled once you finished cycling through them all, shifting away from Dick as you tucked them back into the envelope. “Well thanks for showing me these.” You handed the envelope back to Dick, but he pushed it away. “I brought them for you, I know you always liked taking pictures.”

“But these aren’t just my memories, their ours.” You looked up at him, trying to figure out what was swirling around deep in his eyes.

“I know.” His voice was barely audible as he leaned closer, your foreheads bumping first. Your eyes fell shut as he scathed your lips with his, a hand brushing over your jaw. Dick barely pressed a kissed to your lips, it was the ghost of one, so far off and scared. You turned away before he could kiss you soundly, his mouth brushing against your cheek instead. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this again Dick.”

“Yeah, I know, I know. I’m sorry too, that wasn’t fair.” He stammered, looking away.

“I should go.” You mumbled, rolling the corners of the envelope, but remaining unmoved. There was so much that hadn’t been said all those months ago, and suddenly you found yourself needing to say them. “We wouldn’t have worked out, it wasn’t wrong place wrong time, it was just us.”

“You believe that?”

“I have to. I loved you Dick, but we weren’t meant to be,” You stole a glance in his direction, Dick eyes were fallen on the water underneath you two. “Even if I wanted us to be.”

“I’m sorry, for what I said when you left.”

“I know you are. And I’m sorry too, we both didn’t deserve to have it end like that.”

“Yeah,” You placed your hand over Dick’s, the both of you sighing loudly. “I never hated you either, even when I didn’t love you, I still never hated you.” He said into the wind. You grabbed his hand, kissing his knuckles soundly. You nodded at him with a smile gracing your lips as you pushing yourself up. “Don’t be a stranger Dick, I’m only across the bay.” You tucked the photos into your jacket pocket, the wind whistling as it blew passed.

“Do you think we could’ve been married?” Dick suddenly called, standing at the edge of the pier.

You smiled softly, “You already know the answer to that.” You slipped the envelope of out your pocket, crossing the distance again. You pulled a photo out, pushing it into Dick’s hands. “You keep it.” You spun around, this time with no words halting you as you disappeared back into the afternoon. Dick looked down at the picture; the two of you wrapped up in each other arms. It was around the holidays, mistletoe hung above you, a warm fire burned bright and a ring on your finger glinted under the camera flash.

Yeah, he already knew the answer to that.

#someone marry me..please #dick grayson x reader #dick grayson imagine #nightwing x reader #nightwing imagine #dc imagine #dc x reader #dc #writing #dont disturb the ghost of queue

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im-tops-bottom · 6 years ago

Text

Steve breaks up with Tony after finding out Bucky is still alive.

Steve fights everyone to save a soldier that didn't want to return. Goes against the accords. Starts an argument with Tony after Tony fixes Bucky's arm up and puts him through BARF and then proceeds to be happy and smug as he is not only reunited with returned memories winter soldier but also with the love they once shared. After everything Steve and Bucky take down Tony in Hydras Siberian bunker.

After a month of thinking Tony just went off the grid, something doesn't sit well with the rogues so they return to the compound to find that there is a search and rescue operation for Tony. Even though everyone that sided with tony are pissed at they rogues they needed more hands on deck.

They visit the Siberian bunker which was the last place they saw Tony. The find the suit there but not the man. They find a kidnapped genius in the arms of Madame Hydra who relocated in Germany.

Turns out Hydra kidnapped him so they can make a time machine to go back in time and stop Captain America from destroying Red Skull and stopping his plan.

They fight tooth and nail to get Tony back. When they do Madame Hydra activates the time machine. Tony, Bucky and Steve make a run for her and managed to stop her from entering. Bucky had thrown her across the room. Bright light surrounds everyone in the room and the next thimg the 3 know is that they have gone back to the 40s.

Tony manages to find a hideout in an old abandoned building for the 3. He knows they will be there for awhile as he needs to gather together enough parts to make a somewhat descent time machine. He tells the two to stay put amd make sure they don't run into themselves while Tony is gone. He walks out ignoring Steve calling out to him.

It only takes a week for everything to fuck up. Tony gets beaten up in an alley and is saved by a short skinny Steve and a tall not too bulky but still muscular Bucky. A day later because he refused to seek treatment and gets sick, he accidentally blurts out how he is from the future and he has their older versions hiding out in a safehouse. While in his sick state he also flirts with Bucky.

Once he wakes up and finds he's not sick anymore, he looks up to find an annoyed Winter Soldier and Steve standing at rhe foot of a makeshift bed glaring down at him while a sheepish Steve and a smug Bucky stand by the doorway.

He groans as he let's out a "please tell me I did not just flirt with James Barnes. Please tell me it's just a dream."

"no can do princess"

"how did I get here?"

"in your sickly state you walked in the rain all the way here. Almost got lost but kept saying you needed to fix a soldiers arm. We followed you to make sure you were alright. We didn't believe you then but now I can say that i am officially creeped out."

"amd why am I laying here with two grumpy super soldiers staring at me like they want nothing more than to tie me down and make sure I never leave this place?"

"give Bucky half a chance and he just might do that"

"not now Stevie"

"fuck my life"

Tony sits up and accepts a glass of water and food from the younger Bucky before staring at all 4 of them.

"okay so stars and stripes is gonna be Cap, pipsqueak's is gonna be Rogers, 4 seasons is gonna be Bucky while his flirty self is gonna be James. How is this my life right now"

It takes 2 more weeks to find out that no, not only is this a time machine but it had sent them to a different universe. One where pipsqueak is in love and dating Peggy Carter, James is a playboy, Howard lost his sons Tony and arno a year ago and they are officially fucked.

While Bucky and his Winter counterpart that sits in the back of his mind trying to figure out what makes Tony so special that Steve still wants him back even though he said that he still loves Bucky and would do anything for him, Steve is trying to keep a flirty Tony away from an equally flirty James Barnes and it's not planning out well.

Bucky sees what Steve sees throughout an entire week. Tony even when angry still treats the super soldiers with respect and makes sure that Bucky is alright while sort of keeping away from Steve. He is careful with the pipsqueak Steve and makes a special inhaler that works twice as better for his asthma and always checks in with Steve when Peggy isn't there for him. Even though the younger Bucky hasn't gone through the Trauma the winter soldier has gone through, he always treads carefully around the other man while maintaining his flirty charm. Bucky sees that no matter what bad things happen, Tony gets back up after learning his lesson amd keeps on fighting. He's caring and thoughtful and holy cow Bucky thinks he might be falling in love.

Well not might be, he definitely has and oh boy is jealousy kicking up a fuss. After a day of working he hits the showers. Once done he hears noises and goes to check it out. The corridor that leads down to a bunch od empty rooms as well as Tony's because he wants to be left alone is lit up just enough for Bucky to see that Tony amd his younger self are arguing.

"no seriously you don't want to go there with me. I'm double your age fpr crying out loud. I have baggage among baggage of problems that i don't want to get into. Seriously James just no"

"what are you afraid of? That I would do exactly what your Steve did to you? Cuz I won't. Oh don't give me that look gorgeous, i just worked my charm and talked Steve into telling me everything about you. I know hr doesn't like me but he likes you enough tp go on an excited little journey."

"shut it tall, dark and handsome. You don't wanna open that can of worms"

"oh but I do because your Steve seems so inclined on trying to keep me away from you"

"he's what?"

"everyone knew. That's why my Stevie is always around. To make sure you or me don't get hurt"

"he doesn't like me like that. He thought he did but gave it up for your winter soldier look a like."

"well since you are so sure why don't you just let me in"

"ugh god you are annoying"

Bucky clenches his hand as he watches a chuckling smirking James Barnes corner Tony against the wall. James grabs Tonys hands and pushes them above Tony's head before leaning down.

"since Steve told me to stay away from you because your his, why don't we go amd break his rules. Let me have you Tony. All of you. Fuck Steve"

Bucky feels something in him shatter as he hears Tony breathe out a "your right. Fuck Steve" before letting James lean down and kiss him. It's not until clothes are off and Tony's legs are wrapped around James' waist is when Bucky turns around and walks away. He decides to that he is gonna tell Steve his new feelings and what he saw.

The next day onwards, Bucky and Steve do whatever they can to make sure Tony and James aren't alone. They don't trust little Stevie so they still stick around when he is there as well. This annoys Tony and James to no end.

One night, after everyone goes to sleep, Tony sneaks out and heads over to Steve and James's building. God Tony loves Brooklyn. He smiles as he knocks on the door. Peggy answers it and ushers Tony inside and sends him of to James's room. As soon as enters he's pushed up and against the door. In a matter of seconds all clothes are off and Tony is being pounded into by James. They go at it, making sure they keep quiet right up until the sun comes up. The two cuddle and fall asleep with smiles on their faces.

Tony is woken up hours later by a shouting match. He sits up as he notices james isn't next to him. After a minute or two, the door slams open and Tony groans as his Steve and Bucky barge in like they own the place....okay so they technically do but that's besides the point.

"Tony get up and get dressed. We are leaving"

"okay first of all I don't take orders from you Cap. Second of all why the fuck would i follow you?"

"we tracked down your father early this morning, explained the situation and not only does he want to meet you but he has already started building the machine you so reluctantly want to build"

Tony doesn't give a flying fuck that he is naked. He hops out of bed and glares at the soldiers.

"what in the actual fuck Steve! Going behind my back once again"

"like what you did to us last night?"

"fuck you winter wonderland!"

"fun's over. Tony get your clothes on. We are leaving right now"

Tony stares at James from behind them and they have a silent conversation. Afterwards James reluctantly nods and Tony sighs. They don't even notice that Steve and Bucky have been watching.

"god i hate you so much. Fine. Im getting dressed"

"shower first and then dressed"

Tony raises a brow at his Bucky in confusion. He goes with it anyway as he wonders why the soldier said that.

"fine. Shower first and then the clothes come on. Wait for me in the kitchen"

Tony watches Steve turn around and drag both Bucky's with him before he closes the door and heads to the bathroom for a shower.

After a couple of minutes he jolts as he feels hands on his hips. He raises his head amd a brow in question.

"I told your two stalkers that i had to grab some things for my Stevie and Peggy. I jumped through the bedroom window"

Tony giggles as he turns around amd brings James down for a kiss. Things get heated in the cold shower and James ends up fucking tony against the wall. Awhile later James puts on the clothes he wore before and headed out the window.

"wait"

James held himself up on the windowsill. Tony heads over and kisses James causing both of them to smile.

James says "we know where each other stays. We'll make it work" before winking and jumping out the window.

Tony let's out a content sigh before closing the window amd getting changed. He walks out smiling as he heads to the kitchen where he makes himself some shitty coffee and something to eat, ignoring the Soldiers questioning looks. Turns out that Tony was wearing one of James shirts and smiles a bit more as he eats.

When the 3 get back to the hideout, Bucky tells Tony to get changed into his own clothes and then pack. Tony glares and in retaliation packs his clothes amd keeps James' clothes on. He stomps outside placing his stuff in the old car they managed to steal amd sits in the back while tge soldiers pack everything else up. There's not much stuff that needs to be packed but it fills the boot and either side of Tony because he decides to sit In the middle that has no seatbelts. Steve just shakes his head and rides shotgun while a pissed Bucky starts the engine.

They head to Stark Manor and Tony makes sure to stay professional but he can't because Steve tells him there is plenty of security and Bucky says that they will know if tony leaves and he isn't allowed to see James or his friends again. Tony is down right pissed off but holds it in as he meets Howard and Maria Stark. A plan formulates in his head and he hides it behind a smile as he starts chatting away. He ignores Steve and Bucky's suspicious looks in favor of trying to get Howard on to his side which is fairly easy because this one is nothing lkke his real shitty father. This Howard even apologizes on behalf of his one which is a surprise because Howard never apologized.

A month of building the machine that will get him home, Tony tells Howard to group up a couple of people that he is happy to assist witj (becaise he knows exactly who they are) amd create a super solider serum that was used for a war ("how are you guys not in the middle of a war? I guess my universe is just stupid"). He even gives him names of 2 people who would benefit from this as well.

A week later Steve and Bucky are pissed when a smug Tony drags in their younger counterparts with Howard behind them. Howard tells the soldiers what he's gonna do and how the two along with Peggy are gonna be staying in the manor. The two soldiers groan as they once again have to keep Tony away from these guys which is hard because howard requires them as he wants to study their blood and run through some questions.

The next night Bucky heads to the kitchen to grab a drink when jealousy rears it's ugly head. He looks out a large window as a giggling Tony is being chased around by an equally giggly James in the rain while Steve and Peggy chat under some shelter. He growls as he sees James Catch Tony amd start tickling him. He feels and hears Steve's growly presence as they watch James pick a squealing Tony up and spin around. After a couple of spins Tony leans down and kisses James.

Steve slams his fist onto the bench. He tells Bucky to drag them inside before they get sick and heads down to the lab to see if he can talk Howard into building their machine faster.

It takes one more month before Howard and Tony create a machine to get the 3 lost warriors home and a machine to turn alt Steve and Bucky into Super Soldiers.

Steve and Bucky have it all planned out. They knew Tony wasn't going to tell them about the machine so they asked Howard. They tell Howard and his team to test the serum first. While the younger ones are in the machines set up for them and have been activated, steve nods towards Bucky. Ignoring everyones screams of shock, Bucky activates the time/universe jumping machine amd watches as Steve throws Tony over his shoulder amd they jump through the ! machine.

They are sent back to their time and universe which is great for Steve and Bucky. Not so great for the crying and screaming Tony that's mashed between the two. They hold Tony place as he screams out how he wants to go back. They don't let him.

2 years later Tony looks up in shock as a bright light surrounds him before disappearing, leaving a smirking buffed up James Barnes. James smiles happily before staring Tony directly in the eye.

"I finally found you. I've come to bring you home"

Within those two years the two original super soldiers have had no luck trying to win over Tony. They make sure that none kf Tony's dates comes back for more. They are protect amd possessive over him.

As they head down to Tony's workshop they become jealous angry people who are yelling at Tony to get back there and stay put. They don't grab Tony in time and see red as a smirking James drags Tony through the machine.

Tony's life becomes a cat and mouse from then on. He bounces around between both universes. 2 obsessive soldiers kidnap him and bring him back to his og universe while his boyfriend saves him and takes him back to where he wants to be. It's a hard life but for him it's totally worth it

#ex stony #stucky #stucky wants Stuckony #winteriron #this is a mess of a love triangle

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weirdness-on-the-roof · 6 years ago

Text

Shitty episode 49 notes

so this time its mostly dialogue. I’m not a fast typer so i definitely missed stuff and my spelling is atrocious, but I did use the break and until the live stream ended to fill in the gaps I could. This is pre and post break notes. Obvious major spoilers, lots of weird details i wrote down that matt said b/c we never know when something is gonna be important or come back/ be relevant.

Also I love Beau with all my heart.

Have fun ya nerds :)

Episode 49 Notes:

Chair has replaced uktatoa for echoes

Matts wording in the summary are so careful

Short brown hair, green and black robes necklace with circular gems lots of rings, middle aged/ young for an elf

Nott knows a place--- river bank spot

They were noted by the locals

Pretty river with shaded trees

Beau checks to see if followed 21 perception, people aren’t keeping watch but the righteous brand are gathering at the southern fields where the operatives were coming from

“What the fuck”-Jester

thanks Laura for voicing not only Jester but the entire fan base

Nott doesn’t want to leave “you can leave but i need to stay” ouch that hurt

Nott doesn’t expect them to stay

“We are a target”- Cad

“Your son????” -Jester “is it your son or are you even a goblin??”

Nott “[we don’t need to pretend we don’t keep secrets]”

Nott feels chained and not able to move forward, is ok with being open and honest so ‘we can move ahead’

Rephrase from episode one broke my heart

Nott: “Well hi, my name is Nott the brave and I’m a little goblin girl. But, once upon a time i was Veth, a young halfling woman and before that, a halfling child who grew, um, up being told that she was pretty and not brave and not coordinated and not smart and just not..

Jester line

Nott: Yea, I was. And then, ya know, time went by and i got older, i was made fun of quite a bit. I had this um, Ppl thought i was strange, b/c i collected things, i collected lots of things, they were outstanding. They were wax seals,and pieces of colored paper, and some buttons and fabric,

Beau line

Nott: All kinds

Beau line

Nott: Well they didn't think so, i had brothers and people in town who would just ridicule me

Jester: that was here

Nott: Yes, and one day i um i was playing a game with the other boys and they dared one of their friends to give me a kiss, and the boy was very nice and he actually seemed to like it and he and i became friendly and eventually did what people do and got married and he didn't mind my strangeness and i helped him get his apothecary up and running and he was a brilliant chemist and could make acids and potions and oils and bleaches for fabric for all sorts of things and he helped me. Eventually we had a baby named luke and he was a bright boy, very smart, he learned to talk very early and walk very early. Such a smart boy and that's who you saw back there is my son.

Jester: so was he right, did you die?

Nott: I think so, I think so, uh. We had a rough winter in felderwind, there were not a lot of crops and i think some of the animals had died that winter. This river i brought you to this sort of, it's a beautiful place i used to come here with yeza and it's an important place i used to come here with yeza… the goblins would come from over there, they would raid from over there [points]... They came into town and raided more and more, they took us. They took me and my husband and my child, they held us in one of their camps. I don’t know if it was days or weeks or months. Luke, he wasn’t doing well….. We ran, we ran in the dead of night, they were fast, i've been chased a lot… i told them to run… the goblins followed me and when they found me i fought, i had a vial of acid and i threw it in the face of the one trying to catch us, they took me back to the camp. I think he died from his wounds…[I think he was a type of leader] i think he had a wife. This goblin told the woman ‘make her suffer’ and they did. They brought me to this river and they drowned me in it. I can still feel the water in my lungs and in my ears and in my nose. And then nothing. Until i woke up and saw the hands.. The skin and i looked in a puddle and i could see what they made me. They made me into everything i thought i was. Not pretty, not good, just not. I'll be honest, i've started forgetting what it was like to be halfling. Just everyday just more and more goblin…. I'm sorry i didn’t tell u and im sorry i lied and i'm sorry caleb i didnt tell u. You would have understood and you could have helped me, i dunno. I feel like you're almost there like you're almost strong enough…. Anyways that's how i got to you, and that's why i got to you and why i can't be in this town. Well i only recently started signing the letters. I don't know what he would think of me. {Missed a lot here}

{nott was in the goblin clan kinda as a slave} I would clean out the messes and clean after the meals. The one [goblin] who tortured, i would help him, maybe six months. So maybe a year, no more than a year, a year and a half? I don't know exactly.

Cad can sober up Nott and Nott lets him via lesser restoration b/c alcohol is a toxin

First time we’ve seen sober nott in a while

They’re in the valley [la joke?]

The Goldfield Tavern and Lodge

Beau to Caleb: You puked all over that apothecary so something is definitely not right

Liam is so good

They headed south towards the woods for the chat

Fjord very pointedly asks if nott is ok leaving his son. He asks twice.

Caleb won’t talk in town

Edith is staying for now and nott gave her 200 gold.

No one in town knows that Veth is alive

‘I forgot what he looked like. He forgot what i looked like.”-Nott about Luke’ we need to know the ones we love.”

Beau: Nott you drowned, and you just spent three months underwater, that's incredible. I don't know if you realized that. Its incredible.

Fjord thinks Edith and Luke should leave town. Jester offers to send them to her mum. Possibly going just more west without crossing the border.

Letter to Bryce to get them somewhere safe and closer to border in case of speedy exit of the empire.

Nott admimatly wants to find Yeza

Jester via sending: “Hello, its jester. Two people incoming, a woman and child, take care of them please. Were sending money with them, it is important. Please help.”

Byrce, not really surprised: “Um alright. Ill do my best. Please don't send too many more.”

Liam trying to stay in character and not laughing at jokes during Bryce chat

Most of the righteous brand have gathered and are heading north east, leaving felderwind. People are trying to pick up and move on

Chat in wagon in back, hidden, Cad. 60 yd radius of warning if someone is gonna pass them

Beau to jester b/c they’re telling the truth now: “I didn’t sleep with dyren. She wasn’t my roommate. She was my teacher.” and she taught beau “how to kick as and take names bitch”

Jester trying to be helpful and fjord trying to be supportive

Caleb: “Your name is Veth?” “it was.”My name was Bren Aldrich Emendroot. Was. and um… I uh, i uh

Look at Laura

Jester: “Did you die too?”

Nott: “twinnies?”

Caleb: “I have been using you all.”

Jester, confused: How?

Caleb:I am from Rexingtrum. I attended Soltrace Academy. I was plucked by one of the cerborous assembly and was being trained to do the things that i fear were being done to [Yeza]. A lot a big plans for me that didn’t plan out- I went a little crazy and ran away, ran away. I have been on the run for long time. I was tired of starving. And I met you. I was a little less hungry for a while. I have been afraid for a long time, two of the people in that town are from the cerberus assembly. I don't think [the assembly members would recognise him] I walked passed that portrait many times. One of them is the head of the cerberus assembly. There's good teachers, it's everything they describe it to be. After going there for several months, one of the assembly who also would teach on occasion, started interviewing me. Calling me in and asking me questions. He sorta put me in an advanced class, me and a few others. I don't want you all to be seen with me by one of them, they will use you to get to me. You met the man who trained me. His name is Trent Ikathon.

Jester: thats why you make that face all the time

Caleb: I’m not a very good person.

Jester: “I dont think out actions don’t define us all them time. Good people do bad things sometimes bad people do good things. I think you’re a good person”

Beau: “do you care about us? You’ve told us several times you’re not a very good person.”

Caleb: im worried about your husband. I know the things that man can do.[unravels arm wrappings to show a series of small cuts going up the entirety of the right arm] He used to put crystals in… he he experimented on the three of us.

NottL what would they do? The crystals

He uhh was trying to strength us. The first time i ever saw that word was in your libraries, no explanation.

Beau: The dunamous?

Caleb: No, the first time i’ve ever seen that word was in your libraries. Haphazardly scrolled into that word. No, no everything was for the empire. We were being trained to serve the empire above all. He was mad himself, he was mad. He believed that the unwashed masses relied on their base instinct and the highest calling was to rise above the muck and control the cattlel. We were, are at war. Many of us, felt that way, feel that way.

Nott: Do you still that way?

Caleb: I don’t believe in anything, now.

Fjord: This Trent, does he know these two we saw?

Caleb: Oh yes, yes, yes. And I don’t want one more thing on my head to have you guys. Probably too late anyways.

Fjord: How powerful are these two anyways? Our normal tricks, would they fall short?

The Cerberus assembly are the most powerful mages in the empire…over 200 yrs ago a # of mages went to war in the streets of Restrum and um, it was bloody and awful and eventually came to a truce … proposed to the king at the time that they serve as an advising body to the throne.

Jester: Would they see if we were disguised? Or would they have to look for us.

Caleb: I don’t know for sure but there is a reason i didn't use something like that back there.

Fjord: So, we need to give the a very wide birth.

Nott: [why would they take yeza]

Caleb: I don’t know. It is something to do with the thing. But i don’t know why him.

[Jester reading the burned notes and meaningless stuff mostly they won’t kill Yeza]

Caleb: Was he gifted in his work? What is written about here but it does not seem like anything i ever learned about that.

[?]: It says there that they are looking for a way to achieve their ends w/o the object. I don’t know what they need.

Beau: trent ikathon was looking at yasha....

Calev: I hope he is alive i really do but they will make his life a living hell. And the empire. They are as close to as powerful if not as powerful as the king. I used a lot of names. Caleb is just what i told you. I don’t know. Caleb, let's stick with caleb for now. Um i honestly don’t know if we can, if we are up to this. Unless they are on land, this is the might of the empire. Vestduragna is the arch mage of antiquities.. She's a historian, she has uncovered mysteries of the past. She's a history buff, she's awful probably. He is the head of the military, so if they are both here i would say he is here over seeing the military and she is overseeing what is in that bag.

Fjord makes a valid point about this might not being the only one. [dodecha]

Beacons is plural

Fjord is being cautious for once

[Caleb looks like he wants to cry about the ‘liking us’ comment]

Caleb: I uhh, ohhh jester, i'm glad you see good in me.

Beau: “Its too late now b/c we like you and are invested in your happiness and [stuff]”

Caleb: ok

Beau: dont run. You can say you don't believe in us, that's fine. Believe in us just a little bit, ok?

Caleb: I will consider it heavily.

Beau: I’m sorry for not hearing you yesterday… i heard that you were doubting me and us and our friendship

Caleb:‘i dont doubt any of you

Fjord ‘I swallow shit and make it appear in my weapons i'm down to throw down. You don't have to minimize my stuff’

Those elves two were founders of the Cerberus Assembly

Stabby stab

Fjord: You seduce one i'll seduce the other. I have a way with elves [nervous/embarassed laughter]

Its like you two have been reading tumblr - tal

Caduceus is a wild mom?- confused Beau

Shit shit shit that stuff was out of the bag and scry-able for so long

Samone is the innkeeper

‘Ruckus is a word’

War with the dominion ???

Travis being charismatic and info snatchy is such a difference from grog

‘Felderwind is not known for its excitement’ with jazz hands from matt

“I need something complicated to focus myself… preferably some sort of flower or living plant. The notion is that i'm looking for something that is a testament to the wildmother.”

Jester: “Honey!”

Cad: I’m not entirely sure what honey is made of

Beau: essence of flower and bee puke

Demi leric (female human) does not charge but accepts donation, general physician

Cricks left w/in an hour “a swift nightmare”. “Dark elf folk” “second one on the left that's burned down”

Demi leric’s house is across the street from a burned building, door partially open. Simple establishment, herb smells, chemical smells, ⅘ cots with 2 recovering crownsguard chillin. Human woman, late 20s/ early 30s, bright smile & eyes, business in the eyes,

Beau used real name

“Taking statements”

A few strange complaints about 1/ 2 months back. Wave of nausea. All lived in a cluster, near the doctor’s office near a burned building

Attack around midnight

Detective beau?

Semi conscious guard, has burns, beau slaps a wound, ‘sup, names beau with the cobalt soul, what's your name?’ “Jeff” “good to meet you Jeff” jeff got Luke out of the flames “cricks got him and ran… life four of them.. I saw the fire they pushed me into when i tried to stop them… it was crazy, they came in quick.. I guess [they were targeting places].. Last place they lit was the apothecary…

TAL WANTS TO FIND THE CHAIR MAKER

Jester: What is the possibility that your mean people can change memories?

Caleb: Pretty good…

Tunnels--> North East side where the fields begin. Crownsguard near three sinkhole like entrances.

They didn’t dig them, something dug it for them. Something with big teeth dug it for them and they came out. This creature was 10 feet wide mouth. They collapse the tunnels when they left. They dug in the third one tunnel a bit. Each tunnel is 200-300 feet apart. The tunnel that was dug out was in the middle. Tunnel at a steep angle w/ rope hanging down. This tunnel kept gong 50ft before evening out at a steady downward incline. Looks organically carved tunnel rather than arcane. Definitely burrowed. Nothing on detect magic or undead.

‘Anything is possible in this world of magic and mystery’

Cad base chant to see if he can get vibration via thaumaturgy. Can very vaguely hear a gap at some point w/ very little detail.

Break

Gank

Rexintrum is the largest city in the empire

Worms

Fjord makes a valid point about the slowy thing being a great battle tactic

Fjord has limits on what he will poke/big red button comment

“The dragon poke sucked”

“Im here b/c i was out of options and i went looking for them.” - Cad

my detail oriented self is loving getting actual info from Cad

The magic that held the forest in place is fading away. Not the only site like cads but there hasn’t been communication

Cad family, bigggggggg, built the temple, they all left to look for answers, none came back, doesn’t know what direction they went in, didn’t ask wildmother about them and doesn’t really wanna know “have faith and not second guess”, Corin talked about trying to find some of the other temples. CORIN? ---> sister?

Jester “this is some serious shit… the empire is really fucked up. And everyone went through some horrible stuff

Nott: i promise if you stay with us you’ll also go through some horrible stuff

Jester:[too late already have].. I want nice again one day

Cad: I just want home back, I wanna know that its safe again

Nott: I want to be me again yes. Yes and i hope someday it can happen.

{what does Nott want to be called?}

“Or Vott”-Jester in response to Fjord prompting Nott v. Veth

Beau: Nott and Caleb it is. The mighty nein made of seven people. Works great.

Caleb “not the name not the group. I’m not it” {Not sure if i got the last part spot on the stream cut out before I rewatched/checked this}

“Their names are Chair, together they are chair.”

“I’m here to bring the awkward”- Tal

“What it Yeza’s destination pushing a few days forward?”- Cad w/ Divination to the Wildmother “Gordranas” via wind whispers

Yasha has heard the name, its far further north and the tribe avoided it b/c a lot of the beast folk lived that way ie others who wandered the wastes ‘men who are like bull warrior/bugbears/ other goblinoids’ some work with the crin.

The Luxum- something Caleb read about it having a negative effect on Gordraonas

Gordronas is important to the history of age of arcanum. When the gods walked the earth, both the prime deities and the betrayer gods there were areas of influence considered theirs. A # of those areas belonging to the betrayer gods happened to be in wildmount and Gordranas was the name of the center of their ‘tenuous union’ [betrayer gods] in the final years of the Clamity the b. Gods would go there to plot evil shit.

What remains of gordonas is where the crin has established their dynasty. People in Yasha’s tribe said it was perpetual night.

Cad on how to travel 1000 miles through a war zone“We’ve got a cart, I’m completely serious.”

One of the garrisons has been lost to the Cryn. {Ash something or rather?}

Yeza- short, even for a halfling, bushy brown hair, long sideburns, big nose, not a great chin, narrow shoulders, not a looker,

IS (not referring to Yeza in the past tense ie Nott being corrected by Jester/Fjord?Beau)

They were married five years

THEY SHOULD KNOW VETH’S ACTUAL BIRTHDAY

To Jester’s message to Yeza: No response then a very faint “Hello? I don’t know, its very dark, I have to be quiet. Thank you”

Nott being wingwoman Jester and Fjord

Jester is the best customer service person ever

Jordan and Jamenson are escorting Luke and Edith, Jeff almost kept Beau’s staff

Beau’s bo still has a bow

“I’m here to buy some pockets” “Money belts!” and the tourist necklace thingies

Secret tunnels

Fjord and Beau tag teaming it and fucking with that one guy’s pride with a few good checks

Caleb paying for a group expense

Polymorph into a honey badger (who doesn’t care)

LEVEL EIGHT

‘This won’t be a problem when I’m a president’- Sam

“Be an elk and kill all these fucking soldiers” -Travis or Fjord?

Dire honey badger? Yessssssss. Bony 6 foot honey badger, 5-6 inch claws

‘I’m gonna bless the honey badger’- Cad <3

Travis gonna kill Gil

The other side of the collapse was like 150 feet down further from where the empire stopped digging

Tunnel wides, drops off like a cliff 30-40 foot til another drop off 10ish feet later and a river that is cutting it’s way through. Crystle (quartz) stalactites from a 15’ tall ceiling

Same system as Zadash? Connecting aquifers?

“Do not send the cleric into the pit of unknown.”- Tal

Yeza and Veth never got a honeymoon and they wanted to go to Taledorie [Whitestone is great in the spring].

666

They’re going caving I guess

If Beau changes(ed) her name them all the Empire based people would have lots of names. (Bren-> Caleb ; Veth-> Nott ; Lucian-> Molly)

Also Beau and Bren are the names parents would name their kids if they wanted to have a matching letter for all their kids but the kids hate being a matched set.

Jester having the crisis of ‘I was lonely but y’all had some shit’ was really heartbreaking to watch. I hope she doesn’t stop that progression of showing more and more genuine emotion both positively and negatively.

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cauldronoflove · 6 years ago

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a/n: this is a prompt fill for tht writing meme i posted but it got. a little longer than it was supposed to so heres a seperate post for it! the chars belong to my darling friend annie @dantesaristotles but she lets me throw them around sometimes and im hella grateful for each opportunity!!!

---

28. "Marry me."

It had started off as a joke, really. Way back when Kyle was trying to renew his FAFSA for sophomore year and realized the difference.

"If I asked you to marry me," he said to Hugo one night, mid financial talk. They were back in Hugo's bedroom at his parents house, pne of the rare weekends they could both afford to come home and spend time together. He was curled around him, had an arm around his waist and his cold nose in the back of his neck. His voice was joking. "Would you say yes?"

"Probably," Hugo replied. Kyle could tell his eyes were shut and his nostrils had flared in that way they did when he thought something was funny, but was too tired to laugh.

"Might need you to if my grant doesn't come through."

"It will," he murmured, already on the fringes of sleep.

☆

The next time it had happened - or rather, the next time of substance - was a few months later. He was all set up in his new dorm room - housing indeed paid for by that very grant that had sparked the whole running joke - and it was Hugo's turn to make the trip from his college to Kyle's, instead of the other way around.

"Hey, babe," he said, spinning away from his desk to look over at Hugo, who was sprawled across his XL Twin bed with his phone held above his face to dutifully stay silent while Kyle wrote the conclusion to his essay.

"You done?"

"Nah, not yet."

"What's up?"

"If I asked you to marry me, would you say yes?"

"Why this time?"

Kyle took the rebuff in stride, having already had a genuine answer. "You know that movie with Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence? The one they always played on ABC Family?"

"Hold on-" Hugo said as he sat up quickly, his curls bouncing around his head. "This is a My Fake Fiancé scenario?"

"Listen," Kyle started back in, his hands coming up in front of him. "It could work. Also, I saw this immersion blender the other day and like-"

With an amused, terribly fond scrunch to his nose, Hugo proclaimed, "You're such a fucking dork."

☆

The third of great substance, because there'd been so many little ones that anyone would lose count, was far less happy than any of the rest.

Existential crises, Kyle had said over text, are one hell of a drug.

Hugo had promptly replied with ??? and it went on from there.

kyle: i just. i dont know this asshole thts probably named fucking thad or something equally as dumb said some dumb shit to me after class today? and i cant get it out of my head

hugo: hey whatever he said, its not true- do you want me to call you?

kyle: i dont know if i can rlly keep it together rn babe

hugo: are you crying?

kyle: like. 10% its no biggie

hugo: honey :(

kyle: if i asked you to marry me would you say yes

hugo: in a heartbeat

It was the closest thing Kyle had ever gotten to yes.

☆

It wasn't the last time, not by far, but it was the end of an era, the beginning of a new one.

They were graduated, post college by six months a piece, living together in a shitty apartment that they loved in the way cat people loved their cats, as in: "this is our apartment, her name is Asshole, she's a holy terror but we love her and you can't tell us shit about her."

Kyle was still in bed because it was Sunday and he didn't have a shift and fuck getting out of bed before noon, y'know?

But Hugo was standing at the dresser in nothing but long plaid PJ pants that obviously belonged to Kyle. He was rifling through his sock drawer, muttering to himself.

Kyle traced the freckles on his back, a lazy smile on his face, leisirely pace to his movements. Hugo was bathed in buttery sunlight, and Kyle loved him.

"Hey," he called, voice still thick and marred with sleep. "Hey, Hugs."

Hugo scoffed the same way he had since they were eighteen at the nickname. "What is it?"

"If I asked you to marry me," he said patiently. "Would you say yes?"

It took Hugo a long minute to turn around, and when he did, his face was one of exasperated anguish. "You had to ask that right now? You couldn't have waited two minutes?"

Kyle's face scrunched up, having never gotten a response like that, he was sufficiently taken aback.

"What? Why?"

"Because," Hugo bemoaned, dropping his knees onto the mattress and shimmying over. "It makes it sound so much less original when I do my thing."

Kyle quirked a brow, until Hugo raised his clenched hand up to reveal a plain little black velvet box.

"If I asked you to marry me," he said, holding the box out between them. "Would you say yes?"

Smartly, Kyle replied, "I'm sorry, what?"

"Marry me," he repeated, popping the lid on the ring box to show a simple silver band that if you inspected closely, had an inscription on the inside.

"Oh. I, yeah, oh." His brain wasn't firing all cylinders, the cogs were gumming up, he'd planned everything so perfectly, and yet Hugo had still beat him to it-

"Kyle?"

Quickly, Kyle fumbled at his pillow, shoving his hand into the pillowcase, and unzipping the zipper on the actual pillow - allergen shield, baby. He rooted around againt the actual pillow before finally extracting his own box.

"Are you seriously trying to steal my proposal right now?"

"Are you complaining?"

There were tears brimming in Hugo's eyes as he said, "No, you dumbass- how long has that been in there?"

"Forever. I knew I could leave it there 'cause you never make the bed," Kyle said with a wet laugh, hand coming up to smudge his own tears.

"Jesus, Kyle."

"I think someone has to say yes or we're just gonna be in stalemate forever."

"I proposed first, you have to say it first. Technically, you didn't even propose, so really-"

"Yeah, of course I'll marry you."

"I'll marry you too."

☆

Kyle had to resist the urge to tug nervously at his cufflinks as he recited his vows.

"I used to ask you, all the time, if I were to ask you to marry me, would you say yes. And it started out as a joke, but I think I realized, even when I was that dumb eighteen year old, I think I realized even then that I meant it. I love you, Hugo, and even if I didn't realize it way back in the beginning, my heart did - it's loved you from the start. So, I stand here before you, in front of our whole family, not just blood, but the one we found along the way too - whether it be Kiera, or Pheebs, Asher - for some reason - or our literal high school English teacher, the man whose class started it all for us - I stand before all of them, and I ask you one last time, in more words than ever before, if you'd like to spend the rest of your life with me, and before you give me you answer, I'll give you mine: I do."

Hugo was pushing tears away with the back of his hand, muttering something about how he'd had to get Kiera to help him with his vows, and yet he'd still blown him out of the water. But he nodded. And he recited his own vows. And on a sunny day, in the crispness of fall, Kyle Bellamy and Hugo Hansen became the Bellamy-Hansens, and they finally gave the simplest answer to the age old question, no hesitation in either of their declarations.

If I asked you to marry me would you say yes?

Yes.

#hhhhhh i love them!!!!!#welcome to class #my fanfiction #sorta!

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sophieyouneedtogetbetter · 3 years ago

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Journal entries

December 11th 2018

I see no point in anything anymore, i am so lonely and sad. No one likes me and no one cares for me. I get myself into situations that i can't get out out of. I act out on the ones who love me, they shouldn't forgive me, but they do anyways..

I am just a big problem and i am misunderstood. No one knows how i feel half the time, it's so hard to describe. I feel like I couldn't be fixed even if i tired.

I am so unmotivated and lazy, i try to get things done but i get to distracted and pulled into a cold spiral of depression or anxiety. It's hard to do anything now, i am so scared that i will never be good enough or i wont get into college or even get through this year alone.

I need to stop going to others for my own happiness and find it myself. I need to stop getting into relationships just to not feel lonely.

My grades are dropping and i will never get anywhere, all my teachers and friends are disappointed in me and they also think i wont get anywhere either.

Everyone is always worried about me because they think i will cut myself again or try and kill myself. I don't want to die i just want to be happy and be normal.

I’m sick and tired of being so problematic and always sad or tired. But i am always sad and tired and i don't know what to do about it.

I am always so paranoid and it's scary because sometimes i dont know whats real and whats not, sometimes i feel like i'm almost lucid dreaming or in a movie or something. I feel like i'm drifting and something is pulling me back and they won't let go. My mind gets all blurry and i can't focus, i feel like still things are moving on their own.

I feel exhausted on days where i've had a good night's rest, i just dont want to feel like this anymore, it's a living hell. I want to be free from this feeling..

February 27th 2019

it’s a new year.. i thought things would get better but they have gotten worse. i’ve got a new therapist and she’s not helping. i’ve been cutting a lot lately and i’m very scared. sunday i cut very deep, there was a lot of blood. i felt nauseous and sick and the thing that scares me the most is that i thought i was done, i thought that i was gonna bleed out and hours later when it was about dinner time my parents would find me dead. but that didn’t happen i’m here and i’m alive. something that makes me terrified is that the one thing that i go to for release isn’t giving me that adrenaline and satisfaction that i’ve felt before and now i sit here and ask myself what am i gonna go to next, and i’m gonna go to hard drugs or even worse.. suicide.. i don’t want to die but the thing is that i black out when i cut and what if i was to cut to deep and actually bleed out and die. i don’t want that to happen.

while i type this i’m very scared and anxious, i’ve never thought that it would get like this. i would never think i would find myself in my room scared and out of control of my actions with harming myself. just one little accident and it would be all over. i could do it now but i don’t want to. i don’t want to ever die. i need to get my shit together, i know what i need to do to feel happy again but i don’t want to. saddens has consumed me and it’s so damn comfortable. i need to get my shit together, maybe tomorrow maybe in five years but i guess for now i will fake it.

2021 January 13th

I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm in such a deep depression I'm so tired and so exhausted and miserable. The only good thing I have going is my relationship and friends which I good but I want my home life to be okay. I could give a fuck less about school or anything really just so I can feel at home again so I can be happy. Its sucks because I Rely so much on other people's emotions for my own. I can't be happy if everyone else isn't and i wanna fix it I wanna fix the way I feel but how do I do that when no body is listening. I'm 17, I don't have my license or a job, how am I suppose to find tools without having other tools. I need a therapist but they are so backed up even if I do put in an application for one ill be at the bottom of the list and it'll be probably a good month before I get one. I don't know what to do anymore.

February 22 2021

I get it not everything is resolved around me, but what's it going to take for someone to notice I am so fucking alone, that I am constantly fighting with myself constantly fighting to stay alive, always wondering what I'm doing wrong always thinking everyone hates me. It fuckinh exhausting I am so fucking tired I let everyone walk all over me always taking advantage of my empathy. What is wrong with me what am I doing wrong for people to not like me, I hate the fake excuses to not talk to me, I hate the snarky comments and all the glares. I feel like im sinking and everyone else around me is swimming everyone else is floating along while I'm drowning I'm trying to hard to stay up above the water what I know how easy it would be to sink, I want to sink. But what's going to happen if I do sink, will I swim with the fish or will I be eaten up by the sharks. Will this ever end, will I ever stay afloat. Will I ever find the confidence or the strength or the tools to stay alive.

April 11th 2021

Yesterday you expressed to me that your not sure if you want to be with me and how I am pretty to much for you and your not sure if you want a relationship, we laid down and after a couple minutes I told you that 2 years ago today you first told me you loved me which was kinda ironic considering the circumstances. We then had sex, which I insisted only because I knew it would make everything better. You wanted me to go to a party that I really didn't wanna go to but I went because I knew if I didn't I had really lost you. You said so many different things that night how you know you love me and how you care about me but how your mindset tells you otherwise and how you're not attached to me as much as I am to you. You left this morning and I texted you and asked how your day was and ypu ignored me. You said you are going to take me out to eat tonight but I just have this gut feeling that either 1 it's not going to happen or 2 it will and it'll be the last time I see you. I don't know if I can get past this, it hurts way to much. You're my best friend my person love I don't want to lose you I don't want to be alone I don't want to see you with other people. It's Hurts so much and I try and say it's my fault that it hurts so much because I overthink so much and that I just can't except love but I can but I say it's my fault so you won't leave. What else am I going to justify so you won't leave. I can't keep doing this. Maybe its just right person wrong timing, or maybe im just too fucked up to be loved by anyone. And the sad thing is If thinking about you and replaying our memories in my head is the closest thing to having you then I’ll do it no matter what . I’d drop everything to spend time with you but you wouldn’t do the same for me.

June 21st 2021

God what has happened. I've repressed to my old feelings, old playlist, old memories etc.. suicide has been heavy on my brain the past few days, same with self harm and just leaving everything behind and leaving. I feel so lost and helpless and confused into why I am feeling like this again. I cried the other day, the same kind of cry a baby cries when it misses its mother. I have this thought in my head running back and forth of wether I'm okay or I'm not. I'm constantly catching myself spacing off into old memories, like 8th grade. The feeling of being so numb and so tired that nothing could ever fix this feeling like I am so comfortable and so certain that I'm going to feel like this forever. I feel like a zombie. I feel bored. I feel useless. I feel tired, not the sleep tired. Just tired. Tired of pushing and pulling. My brain feels like mush. My body feels heavy and weightless at the same time. My chest feels tight and my eyes feel heavy. I feel comfortably miserable. I miss when I never had to give a shit about anything like school and work and dissipating people. I've done so good lately and held my shit together so well and it's so surprising because deep down I am screaming and begging for a break for someone to say it's okay to feel like shit and have them not be disappointed in me for falling apart. I think about the day I'll let someone read these entries, I think about the day that I'm completely giving up and I release these all over social media. I know that sounds desperate but maybe someone would read these and think maybe there not alone. I feel like I would scare everyone if they knew how I felt. I wonder what I'm feeling is valid of bullshit or maybe its just my hormones or seasonal depression. Or maybe it's just my day to day life. Something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. (Keyword maybe means yes it's your everyday life)

June 22nd 2021

We're on a "break". I don't even know how to feel, I should be crying right now begging you to not leave and to love me and to just change. But I'm not, I'm so calm and unbothered and just numb. I'm so fucking numb. It's like I don't even care it's like im already over it. I guess I wasn't surprised. I don't really have much to say. But I can say this is going to hit me like a train. One little thing, and I think I'm going to snap.

September 8th 2021

I don't think I can keep doing this anymore, I don't think I can keep fighting. I don't want to, I don't want to deal with these feelings. I can't remember the last time I actually felt okay. I want to feel normal again. I am losing myself. I am losing my mind and I am trying so fucking hard to hold on. I feel like a prop in some shitty movie. I feel like I'm just a background character, if that makes any sense. I am constantly scared, I am constantly having these thoughts of hurting myself. I keep dreaming of better days but everyday is just a nightmare. I think of admitting myself somewhere, like sending myself away. Somewhere where I don't have to worry about this shit. Somewhere safe, somewhere there are people like me and understand me.

September 15 2021

I find myself thinking about sending myself away, not because i need to just because i want to. I guess you could say “ need in one hand and want in the other and see which one fills up faster” but i honestly have come to the point where nothing feels real anymore, nothing feels good anymore. Everything hurts everything is scary and everything is unfair. Life is so unfair. Its even worse that i continuously have shitty things happen to me. I have so much untreated trauma that i think im coming to the point where i dont care anymore. I dont care about anything. I don't feel like existing, trying, dealing or fuckinh anything. I can't feel anything, I am so numb. Numb to my core. I am so desperate to feel better. I am going to feel like this forever, I am always going to be a broken person with a broken heart with a broken mindset.

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dearsadgoat · 7 years ago

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recovery

recently, there was a major fire in my city. a little before the fire happened, i went through probably the lowest point in my life i’ve been in thus far. it culminated into one night of forcing myself to break down a number of walls and fake fronts i put up around me. these stood for about 5 years.

during that 5 year period i lied to myself and tried to trick myself into thinking i was something else so i could fit in with my rapidly changing friend groups, both online and in real life. i started distancing myself from a number of things, including shows, interests, and friends. i pushed away mlp for fear that my friends who were now falling out of it would ditch me if i were still into it. i pushed away my desire to learn music because the relationship between my brother and i only got worse as high school went on. i pushed away old friend groups for reasons so stupid i dont remember anymore.

instead of doing videos for fun and my own enjoyment, i started making them with the intention of becoming popular. i was never good at those and i wasn’t willing to learn to make myself better because i only wanted the success. the worst part about this was the fact that i did it for so long i managed to make myself believe that this was what i wanted, to be making low effort gaming videos on youtube well past its peak. because that’s what I thought I was going to “make it” doing. it should be noted i pushed away a group of youtuber friends before this, who may have been able to talk sense into me.

to this day i have only met one other person who makes videos.

fast forward to a few months ago. back in june, i started a new job, the one im currently working, doing lifeguarding at a pool. in july, my friends and i did our annual trip to anime expo, and aside from some incidents it was fun. i went on vacation with my family to arizona, and we saw a number of beautiful sights. i enjoyed it a lot.

however, this is the end of the fun.

anime expo, as always, brought me the panic of being around so many people. it isn’t the volume of people however, im relatively comfortable in a crowd. its the idea that i can look around in any direction and see people probably way happier and in better places in life than i am. look one way, i see a group of attractive people in cosplay that’s way better than mine. look the other way, i see a group of friends all laughing and clearly have shared interests, unlike my friends where we all have kinda splintered tastes so we don’t spend all the time together at conventions.

i spent a good amount of the convention wandering it with my friend mike. we went as Haru and Rin from Free, him being Haru, me being Rin.

around that time i was having major self image issues. i gained a good amount of weight the months prior, and i couldn’t lose it no matter what i tried, and consistently going to the gym, doing workouts given to me by professionals showing me no change killed my motivation. i couldn’t get myself to even go anymore come june.

so when mike was stopped by 10+ people (i stopped counting after a while) for pictures and to compliment him on his cosplay, meanwhile outright ignoring me, i started feeling like my image issues weren’t just “in my head” like i’d been told. despite this i tried my best to ignore it and move on. except i couldn’t.

the other cosplay i did was a crossplay of Mako Mankanshoku from Kill la Kill. I actually had the right length/hair color for Mako’s hair, so I saved money on a wig and got it cut like hers. the hair actually looked fine in context of the cosplay, however the cosplay in the context of anything was atrocious.

i couldn’t fit into the seifuku i bought, despite being sure to buy a size much larger than what you’d expect. trying to ignore my brain telling me im a fat fuck i improvised with a white shirt and a light blue neckerchief. with the wrong color shoes, basic shirt, neckerchief, basic skirt, and my hair cut instead of a wig, i was the definition of awful cosplay.

i hyped up finally being able to crossdress in public to myself for months. i’ve wanted to crossdress publicly since i was 15. at no other convention in the past did i have the courage. i got rid of pretty much all body hair, and upon finally being able to do so, i thought it was everything i wanted.

looking in the mirror showed me i was nothing more than an ugly fatass trying to look cute. i was the fucking person people at conventions take candid photos of and post on tumblr to make fun of. im sure im gonna one day come across a picture of me in that “cosplay” accompanied with some text about how embarrassing i was.

so with now both my cosplays fun sucked out of them by myself, the rest of the convention went on, but i couldn’t fully suppress the idea that i was unhappy.

the arizona trip i’ll save for another post, it’s a complete offshoot with it’s own backstory.

these are nowhere near all of the events i feel caused enough problems for what happens later, just the major ones. also there’s no way i can write every single thing that’s happened to me and contributed to my sad demeanor over the last 21 years.

after that though, the rest of the summer is a blur, i dont remember anything i did, and i don’t remember starting school again. i just know i’ve been going for almost 16 weeks now.

for some reason, a lot of things that didn’t use to bug me have been bugging me. stuff that I thought i’d grown accustomed to seeing, like the ever poisonous anti-male rhetoric that this site likes to parade. i’ve been on tumblr since i was like 13, i’ve seen it, i should be used to it and know to ignore it, right?

i guess not. every post i see related to something meant to make me feel shitty for being a guy takes another chip at me throughout the day. despite my best efforts i can’t forget them.

i just don’t have the energy to put up with stuff anymore, and it really feels like im out of energy to put into caring about things. i’ve been feeling like this since the beginning of the above five year period of not knowing why i wasn’t happy with what i was supposed to be happy with.

eventually we get to one saturday at work. two pools are being used for an event, the third is being rented out for a kids birthday party. im on the tower supervising the party when my best friend kaylie comes to rotate me. we chat for a sec, and as i start to walk off, she says my name. i turn around and she points at the water. no more than 3 feet from where im standing, two kids are wrestling in the water. except they weren’t wrestling for fun, they were wrestling to get on top of one another and drowning each other in the process. mind you, this is the deepest part of the pool and it’s only like 4 1/2 feet deep. I slide in, hoist up both of them, and launch into the caring procedure bullshit.

i get them out, tell kaylie im going to get a towel, and eventually other guards start asking me what happened. all of the sudden people are toting me as being a hero for making my first rescue withing my first year. you’d think that’s something to be proud of, right?

yeah you’d think that.

i felt nothing. all i had was that i was doing my job, and if it were like ten seconds earlier kaylie would’ve got them. i didn’t do anything special.

of course that ended up as a conflict in my mind, and on the way home i bought alcohol and spent the night drinking alone.

fast forward a few more days, and i get home from work. it wasn’t a particularly hard day, or any major thing happened, just a lot of small little things that chipped away at my patience, a few comments made by coworkers that really weren’t asked for, and this and that ultimately led to me driving home at the end of the night upset.

i get home, and think to myself im going to unwind with some video games. i dont remember what happened or what i was playing, but some major thing happened that led to me calmly turning off the game and turning to my computer to stare at it for the next two hours, only occasionally clicking to something new.

nobody tells you what it’s like to break. partly because, they cant. the way i see it everyone breaks differently. every breakdown i’d had up until that point had been loud, angry, and full of jerky motions through teary, blurred eyes. they were like someone kicking over something i was making in one fell swoop.

this time it felt like i watched someone pick away at the foundation until it all started to slide down like sand.

i broke, at first without tears, questioning what i was doing at that moment, and what i was doing in general. nothing made sense. my head couldn’t keep a thought for a moment. i felt like my chest was caving in. i didnt end up eating anything that night. i honestly can’t describe how i felt and what i did, it was such a blur.

i started going on a nostalgia scavenger hunt. something i had seen recently drove me to want to search out the mlp meetup group i used to be a part of. i found pictures of me and my friends at different events back in 2011, 2012, and i started doing what i can only describe as motioning a whimper. as in, whatever you picture when you think of whimpering, only without sound.

I saw pictures of me being happy, truly happy. i hadn’t been truly happy in the last 5-6 years since these pictures were taken. at least not for more than the occasional time.

as if on queue, a friend from one group of friends i changed myself to fit in with messaged me. i asked him if he wanted to take a trip with me, and i spilled everything.

i confessed to being a liar, a poser, a shitty person who couldn’t even tell his friends that he wasn’t everything he said he was. i told him at one point in my life i had actual ambition and ways to achieve success outside of being the scummy piece of shit i’d become when i became friends with them. (please dont misunderstand, they’re good people, i just had a warped sense of what i needed to do to be their friend back then)

he let me angrily type and rant and have a major breakdown to him without interruption for almost an hour, and finally he paused me and started trying to talk me through this.

after he gave me his piece on the matter, i turned to another one of my best friends, jacob. jacob was one of the irl friends i went to meetups with, and we’ve been friends since middle school. we’re closer than anyone else i know i’d bet, even closer than kaylie and i.

because of time differences, our conversation lasted the next two days, basically telling him everything, that i wasn’t happy with myself, that i haven’t been happy with anything for a long time. the only thing that mattered to me in his response was that nothing was different between us. he said he was going to a therapist soon, and said that i should try it. i have not, and i dont plan to for fear of what i might find out. still, everything he said i took to heart and i thank him for it.

at this point, i decided that i could fix all of this, that i could make myself someone i’d like to be. i was going to work hard and no matter what i wasn’t going to break like that ever again. nothing was going to stop me, no matter the odds.

someone up there must love testing my patience.

a week later, the fire happened. within the span of an hour i had gone from coming home from a test, to helping my mom with the recycling, to rushing home because the sky over our house was brown. the next few hours was me running on no food, a sweaty, ash-covered mess, to get everything of importance out of the house. everything that was too hard to replace was taken. as painful as it was it meant leaving behind just about everything that had value to me, as i took only the things that mattered in a worldly view, not a personal view.

God listened to my prayers that day, and the fires burned half a mile from my house, but no closer. The trail i walked a thousand times growing up was no more. it’s about 4 houses down from mine, to give perspective. everything was black and soot, trees stood with burn marks and missing leaves. The creek was dried up. everything is a mess. i walked out and took pictures of it a few days after, just for memory sake.

that day was a test to see whether or not I was actually going to keep my word. i didn’t break that day, despite wanting to often, and i did what was most important for my family.

since then, i’ve shuffled around a lot of different aspects of my life. a lot of things are changing, and im not comfortable with a lot of them. however, these are good changes. i have to make myself uncomfortable to be able to find what i belong to once again.

and i hope and i pray that this is going to be the time i prove to myself i can break out of this

#text post #dear sad goat

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the-yaoi-galla · 8 years ago

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Your Weekend Horoscopes, March 31st-April 2nd: Don’t Act A Fool This April Fool’s Day

Some of you need to chill the fuck out, some of you need to sit the fuck down, and some of you need to turn the fuck up. Find out what the stars have in store in our Betches weekend horoscopes.

Aries

This is a week of new beginnings for you, Aries. As it is likely that your New Years resolution died out about four days into January, use the beginning of a new month (and hopefully, fucking spring) on Saturday to start over. April is totally the new January. Get back on that fitness grind now that the idea of wearing a swimsuit ever again in your life actual seems feasible. Dedicate yourself to school or work and actually, idk. try? Or maybe its time to take a chance on love and put yourself back out in the dating scene. Whatever you decide, make sure you go for 100%. Betches may be lazy, but were not flakes.

Taurus

Youve had a good run, Taurus. Weeks of productivity. Weekends of partying. Mornings when you dont think youre on the verge of death. Honestly, its been infuriating to watch you succeed so effortlessly. However, the new month and a new moon are here to stop you in your tracks. Idk how to tell you this but this weekend is going to throw you into a bit of a rut. Nothing life or death, but things will just seem to go wrong at every turn. Our advice? Avoid this at all costs by not leaving the comfort of your bed unless you absolutely have to. Come Monday the stars may be less shitty, but best to play it safe until then.

Gemini

Youve been through a bit of a rough patch recently, Gemini. It was shitty, as Im sure you remember only too well, but you made it through it because your friends were there to pick you up when you were down and pour wine into your mouth when it was open. Well, the time has come for you to return the favor and break out that shoulder for someone else to cry on. Comforting people is never fun or easy, but right now its non-negotiable. Go buy a few bottles, a tub of ice cream or two, and wait for the call. Believe us, its coming.

Cancer

The Cancer motto this weekend: new month, new look. Let the beginning of April and potential (but unlikely) return of the sun bring out a brighter, shinier, you. If theres been some big transformation youve been considering but are too scared to try, this is the weekend to do it. Chop your hair off. Dye it. Overhaul your wardrobe. The sky is the limit! Its time to come out of your winter cave stronger, fiercer, and better looking than you were when you climbed into it. Spring is here. Time to act like it.

Leo

I know what youre thinking, Leo, and the answer is a resounding fuck no. This weekend, for whatever reason, youre going to be tempted to hit up an ex. Maybe theyre in town, or you saw an ill-timed Snapchat, or youre just lonely. I dont know, but more importantly, I dont care. This is a time for new starts, not shitty backsliding after one too many Long Islands. You may think youre stronger than that, but Im here to tell you youre not. Give your phone to someone you trust, stay away from social media at all costs, and surround yourself with fun people that will distract you from yourself. We have faith, Leo. Dont let us down.

Virgo

Yikes, Virgo. Im not sure what exactly is going down this weekend, but I do know that its going to be shitty. Honestly, Im sorry that the universe so clearly has it out for you. It may seem like the world is ending, but this is where your friends come in with ample amounts of alcohol to assure you that its not. There is nothing more powerful than the will of a drunk girl trying to cheer up her sad friend. If science could bottle that kind of effort, the world would be at peace. Just sit back and try to keep your head above water; your friends should take care of the rest.

Libra

This weekend is a time of reflection, Libra. There have been a lot of moving parts in your life as of late, and now is the time to sit down and consider how you feel about them all. Maybe its time for a little spring cleaning, in every sense of the word. Clothes you dont need? Toss them. Friends you dont need? Toss them. Guys you dont need? Toss them (but save their numbers for when youre drunk. New month, new you. Dont let any of that shitty winter baggage follow you into spring. Let this meme be your inspiration:

Scorpio

A few words of advice, Scorpio: despite what you seem to think at times your words and actions do, in fact, affect other people. Crazy, right? Its almost like you arent the only person in the entire universe. Ill let that sink in before we continue.

While we are definitely champions of the you do you mentality, sometimes you need to take a step back and remember that there are other people in your life. People with thoughts andwait for itfeelings. Against their better nature, they care about you and the shit that you do. So maybe, just maybe, its time to return the favor, yeah?

TL; DR: Stop being a self-centered shithead and think about your friends and family before you do stupid shit. Way harsh Tai, but we know you can take it.

Sagittarius

I think my favorite part about Sagittarians is their undying optimism when it comes to other people. You, without fail, will go out on a limb for anyone and everyone, time and time again, no matter the consequences. Its awe-inspiring, in the way that its hard to not watch when a pack of lions just wrecks a baby gazelle on . In this metaphor, Sagittarius, you are the gazelle. This weekend, try and be a little more judicious about the people you throw yourself on the line for. I know its going to be hard, but you will come out the other end with your mental and physical health intact. Wild, right?

Capricorn

The nostalgia is going to be real this weekend, Capricorn. Something about the weather, the stars, the people will be taking you on a long trip down memory lane. For better or for worse is entirely up to you. If skeletons start to resurface, there is no shame in avoiding that shit like the plague. But if you happen to have a positive memory or two, try revisiting that and see what happens. Reach out to old friends just to check in. Youll be surprised by how much you still like people that knew you when you were 18. It can be comforting to go back in time and remember the people who helped make you the person you are today. Or it can be horrifying. Guess theres only one way to find out.

Aquarius

My dude. Aquarius. This past week has been a journey of self-discovery for you, and it is absolutely wild how different of a person you are compared to just a week ago. We, for one, are here for it. This weekend, move forward with this new mindset and implement it in every aspect of your life. After months of being put on the back burner, your mental health will truly thank you for it. Let your new self shine and dont let anyone dampen it. In fact, those that try are not worth your time in this new era. Cut them loose and let them know why.

Pisces

Well, well, well, Pisces. I hate to say I told you so, except just kidding. I fucking love it. Youve spent the last few weeks working yourself down to the bone, and youre exhausted in every sense of the word. This weekend, please just chill the fuck out. Seriously. Turn off your phone. Lock your doors. Close the blinds. I promise the FOMO you may suffer will pale in comparison to the stroke youre bound to suffer any day now. The universe calls for 48 straight hours of unadulterated relaxation. Please, dont ignore it.

Read more: http://www.betches.com/weekend-horoscope-3-31-17

from https://www.makingthebest.com/2017/04/17/your-weekend-horoscopes-march-31st-april-2nd-dont-act-a-fool-this-april-fools-day/

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fangirl-with-a-shoulder-fettish · 8 years ago

Text

Your Weekend Horoscopes, March 31st-April 2nd: Don’t Act A Fool This April Fool’s Day

Some of you need to chill the fuck out, some of you need to sit the fuck down, and some of you need to turn the fuck up. Find out what the stars have in store in our Betches weekend horoscopes.

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

TL; DR: Stop being a self-centered shithead and think about your friends and family before you do stupid shit. Way harsh Tai, but we know you can take it.

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

Read more: http://www.betches.com/weekend-horoscope-3-31-17

from https://www.makingthebest.com/2017/04/17/your-weekend-horoscopes-march-31st-april-2nd-dont-act-a-fool-this-april-fools-day/

0 notes

lavendermiilk · 8 years ago

Text

Your Weekend Horoscopes, March 31st-April 2nd: Don’t Act A Fool This April Fool’s Day

Some of you need to chill the fuck out, some of you need to sit the fuck down, and some of you need to turn the fuck up. Find out what the stars have in store in our Betches weekend horoscopes.

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

TL; DR: Stop being a self-centered shithead and think about your friends and family before you do stupid shit. Way harsh Tai, but we know you can take it.

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

Read more: http://www.betches.com/weekend-horoscope-3-31-17

from https://www.makingthebest.com/2017/04/17/your-weekend-horoscopes-march-31st-april-2nd-dont-act-a-fool-this-april-fools-day/

0 notes