#this month i feel like in cage
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still cant come up with my wishlist with my bday in a week.......
had a great walk today. midwest indigo location af
+ turned my mind off and stick and poked for a while. need to work on a real skin but ummm amm urghh umm ok
and special thanks to kotya for saving me daily im not going insane thank you thanky and for photos toooo and for tofu and pop corn thank youo
#i need to get really drunk in a good way if i can even say so#this month i feel like in cage#wait what i can drink now i have everything urghhr i need somebody to be with me#am i gross#i feel like loner but no but yeah but#i need to talk more i want to talk more but i cant allow myself people i can talk to are too far away even if we are close they are so fuhk#ing far away#im sorry you find new people hope u well my fren :'з
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#waiting for livraz 2 show up^#elendira#trigun maximum#trigun#lg doodles#mo but im like . going 2 complain for five secodns#but i hate working full time i hate it ive awkays hated it i will always hate it and when im dead ill still be hating on it#NOOO ENERGYY(‘!!!for anything . ever .#like ive given up on hobbies bc it feels soo fcking impossible to do anyrhing that isnt cooking dinner and then passing out 4 the night#miserable existence i want to claw my face off#the oast two yrs have been manageable in the sense that i alws had smt to look forward to#hyperfix or whagever. but these past 6 months r grey.DESOLATE‼️‼️‼️devoid of purpose#elendira outstretched hand lets take ibuprofen together#but its lexapro#anyways . ^__^!!~~ hope uve had a good day today#or did smt fun this week#bHELPPPP#walking 2 my car rn actually .. inagine the virgin walk guy thats like this > 🚶#metbh#being let out of my hamster cage . only to return 2morrow
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Had a friend recently tell me a funny idea for a couples’ shirt combo
#sorry i’ve been dead for three months. the past year’s been absolute hell on my cofidence and motivation as an artist#it will unfortunately happen again#also for the record i don’t think any of them are stupid. this just feels like something Johnny would do#hanzo hasashi#scorpion mk#kuai liang#sub zero#johnny cage#mortal kombat#mk11#subcagecorp#subscorp#<- fuck it this counts and i want more attention#polyamory#my art#click for better quality#please let this do well i’m so tired of sharing art making me sui/cidal
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those dreary vows that everyone takes / everyone breaks / everyone makes divine mistakes
// "Lance, I've made a mistake"
#camelot#camelot revival#camelot broadway#camelot musical#phillipa soo#guinevere#arthuriana#king arthur#lancelot#jordan donica#andrew burnap#sue's things: camelot#sue's things#sue's things: atburnap#i call this dark lusty month of may#because genny's songs have such heavy scary foreshadowing!!#also i have a crush on pippa soo#she does it so well!#like somtimes it feels like genny is gnawing on the bars of a cage trying to get out#and trying to create her own entertainment#but also so full of yearning and guilt#guinevere just wants to be fought for metaphorically#and not simply given away by treaty#guinevere rights#one gifset per song challenge
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depicted: the calmest most patient fandom out there
#the heart killers#one fic away from the first hundred‚ months before the series even aired#I love it here#between the ficwriters writing thousands of words and the video editors making use of the same 2:53 minutes of footage every week#+ the teaser images from the set#I sometimes feel like this fandom is a caged beast living off rations#and I can't wait to see the things it will do when it is set free#(lots more of these I hope)
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tomorrow i plan to put in my notice at my job and i’m so fucking nervous
#i hate it i hate it i hate it#i’m giving them a month’s notice but#no matter how hard this job has been for me i don’t want to leave anyone in a lurch#i care too much and i feel guilty (as though i’ve done something wrong)#i’ve been treated like shit but i still feel beholden to them#i’m like a caged animal LOL#i don’t make enough money to put up with all of the bs truly
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this is a bit of a what if scenario if soap and ghost met before the practice studio and the rest can be found on ao3!
before they ever try and workshop a routine, before their first dance, before johnny ever meets simon, price tells - orders - ghost to sit in on one of gaz’s classes.
“learn his style; see if yours meshes anywhere,” he says, wrist deep in an exploded camera and ignoring ghost’s stink eye from over in the corner. he’s gotten used to it after all these years.
he’ll have to pull out something new after this if price’s decided to sink to this level of petty.
and it is pettiness, no mistake; clearly he’s poked him too much about his boy recently.
“i’ve already seen ‘is style,” he dismisses with a disgusted scoff that’s only half put on. flashy, meaningless; the personification of viral with half the sincerity. it’s a laugh that garrick accuses him of stealing routines as if half his moves aren’t prepackaged and recycled from every plastic clout chaser before him.
“videos don’t live up to an in-person demonstration; you know that,” price chides and ghost rolls his eyes. “i’ve got a client making noises about choreography and if i can’t talk ‘em out of it, you’ll have to learn how to be in the same room without bein�� at each other’s throats.”
“they want a joint routine?” ghost demands, already going tense at just the idea of it.
“they want the best of the best,” price counters. “and unfortunately, that’s you two.”
he pulls out a part, friction-shiny and jagged where it’s rubbed against another piece, and flicks it over his shoulder to be lost in the mess of the garage. “you know, that breakdancer i showed you ‘ill probably be there.”
he raises an eyebrow but ghost doesn’t give him the satisfaction of a reaction. wily old man…
he asks about one dancer once and suddenly he’s all price wants to bloody talk about. it was professional interest; just looking into a style out of his wheelhouse and obviously it made sense to look at recent competition winners.
nothing more.
“i’m not asking you to join in,” price finally allows, pulling out a file and tapping off old shavings on the edge of the toolbox. “just watch. live up to that name of yours.”
“i got better things to do than haunt your little protégé,” he scoffs, chafing at the thought of wasting any more time on kyle garrick than he already has.
“and yet here you are, sniffin’ up my ass,” he shoots back wryly and ghost shoves off the wall; ignoring his snickers.
“play nice,” price adds but he’s already out the door.
if he asks later, he can just say he didn’t hear him.
#i was gonna put the whole thing here but its 2.9k and im not doing that to yall#if you want some ghoap homoerotic dancing you should check out the rest 👀👀#this just in: dont write a dance when you dont know how to interpret movement into writing#i have no idea what im doing lmao shit is Hard#ive been working on this for months so its nice to finally be done#youd think it would be just like a fight scene since its just movement#but since i dont know how to dance and im writing people who live and breathe it its very different#its not just the actual moves themselves but how they feel#and i Dont Know How They Feel#so this part took a minute lmao#and once again i cant do my nice and neat embedded link why does tumblr hate me specifically#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#we’re a team. ghost team#ghoap#ghostsoap#soapghost#john soap mactavish#soap cod#simon ghost riley#ghost cod#john price#captain john price#captain price#kyle gaz garrick#gaz cod#cod mw2
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I’m thinking about Hannibal and Mischa and how Hannibal is a monster but before he was a monster, he was still this growing thing trying very hard to fit into his human skin that simply ceased speaking because the brain was a monster but the heart was just a very small, very sad boy who loved his sister and then perhaps, hated his sister for making him feel the things she did when her death was used to nourish his body.
#I watched Hannibal rising a few months ago and I think often about how Hannibal#is seen as someone who is deeply traumatised by the death of his sister and parents but I don’t think he really interpreted it as trauma#so much as he interpreted it as a puppy being thrown into a cage interprets that it is being punished#Hannibal is not a traditional psychopath because he has feelings he’s a very low empathy person compared to will’s high empathy but that’s#not why he’s a monster#Hannibal is a monster because he delighted in killing those men who hurt his sister more than he enjoyed the act of revenge#because he likes to watch people experience the same cannibalism as he did#and he likes to manipulate and hurt and feign humanity but in reality#if the opportunity arose#he would gladly eat mischa again to punish her because eating for him is a form of punishment#he sees humans as little more than pigs but he’s also needlessly cruel in the way he slaughters them because he enjoys it but remember that#he is not a traditional psychopath which means that he likely never killed animals or anything as a child so if humans are pigs to him#it’s because he intentionally sees them that way#i’m rambling#hannibal#hannibal series#nbc hannibal#hannibal rising#mischa lecter#hannibal lecter#hannibal meta#kinda
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Sometimes I think crappy shit like
if I was a shelter dog, would they just put me down because it’d be too much work to rehabilitate me?
But then I remind myself that I’m my own rescue and this is a no-kill shelter
#Had some frustrating updates about health stuff#aka things are slightly improving but way slower than I had hoped#and it’s been a big sad agitation day/week/months#my health panic was v triggered today lmao- but#Slow progress is progress too#trying to remember that even though recovery often feels like forever#this is not really going to last forever#and one day I will suddenly realise that things have been less hard#until then#I shall keep taking my inner runt of a shelter dog for walks and giving it food and treats#and even when it can’t do anything but shiver at the back of the cage in fear#I’ll tell it’s a good pup and doing well#x
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fun fact ! : hnnnngggghhhhhhhhhh
#me when The Horrors#(i am going insane)#SCREAMNS. i’m a okay :)#i like having breaks. but going this long without a lot of human contact is making me LOSE MY MIND.#I MISS PEOPLE. I MISS BEING ANNOYED IN CLASS. I MISS HEARING VOICES AND KNOWING ITS PROBABLY A REAL PERSON. I MISS MY FRIENDS. dies#i have been in this house near every day for a MONTH. i know we did this a while ago during the pandemic but that was different.#now it’s just. jitters. and hungry. and pacing and pacing and pacing and pacing and pa#is this what a caged animal feels like. it this zoochosis.#maybe i just crave connection. maybe i’m just lonely. or something like that#give it a week i’ll be normal again#(i’ve been setting things in fire in my free time y’all gotta let me out of here)#okay byeeee#blue talks
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went outside and exercised normally for the first time since The Incident and i felt fine outside of the expected Hasn't Exercised in several months feelings. against doctor's orders btw but i would rather be dead than forced to spend all my time at home not doing a single thing that could exert me in any way <3
#:)#like it's so funny that they mandated i cannot drive leave the country vigorously exercise or eat snack food maybe ever again for no reason#fully my medical notes read like i'm in the managed decline phase of a terrible chronic illness even though i'm literally chilling#i feel no worse than how i normally do a couple weeks after a rough covid infection like babygirl i have no debilitating symptoms.......#PLUS my kidneys are slowly unfucking themselves anyway like. do i really need this much independence taken away for my own protection......#longterm housebound for a short term Silly Incident??? please be serious for more than two seconds#cranky about this because it's been a month and there's still no diagnosis but they have the room to tell me what i can't do#my appointment a couple days ago was supposed to clear me to do certain things again but they denied it and i've been sulking for days#literally the only thing wrong with me is that my blood tests are saying bad things and some really annoying side effects of my meds#and i can guarantee that me resting and doing nothing is not the reason i'm not in pain or otherwise suffering in any measurable way#even when i was actively in a state of dying in hospital i wasn't in pain like get with it!!!#sometimes if i think about this too hard i end up feeling like a caged animal lmao
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"The drops of rain make a hole in the stone, not by violence, but by oft falling."
— Lucretius
@thethistlegirl @malewifebillcage
#bill cage#edge of tomorrow#tom cruise#my gifs#edge of tomorrow gifs#my edit#it's been months since I saw this movie for the first time#and I am still unhinged about it#it's so good#Bill is such a wet sad imp#I love him#he went from someone who worked an office job to a hardened soldier#he went through so much#and it breaks my heart that Bill can probably fight this war blindfolded by now#and that they broke someone who never wanted to participate anyway#and no one except Rita knows the feeling#and by the time things are over she doesn't even know who he is#just like in every restart
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on the negative side, I'm never drinking caffinated tea ever again because it apparently makes me manic. That's especially sad because I found that out after drinking delicious tea I'll never be able to drink again and by becoming manic (i.e. the hard way)
on the plus side, I wasn't manic before I drank caffeine! and I probably won't be come tomorrow afternoon thank fuck. It's so unpleasant. So, so uncomfortable. I'm already starting to come down I think. It's hard to tell.
but yeah otherwise getting tea with my friends was nice. It was kind of magical to do a tea tasting, it's just too bad that- well. Can't drink alcohol. Can't drink coffee. Can't even drink tea either. They need to invent some kind of chocolate milk tasting or something for me personally so I don't feel like a sad wet dog about the situation.
#personal#mental illness#*shaking the bars of my emotional cage* let me be depressed or normal again damn you#I want out#it sucks that bipolar is like alcoholism#you have to watch yourself every damn day like sam vimes does there's no 'being done' or 'solving it'#it's not like healing a wound in a cast#it's not even like celiac's#there is always that psychological component#that little evil weevil impulse that says 'pick the bad decision!' in a voice that sounds just like yours#it'll be fiiiiine#<- words said just before relapse#I want to fit in! I want to have fun!#<- about to ruin my whole week like a dumbass#I was stupid. even at the event it was starting to hit me and I just fucking. gave up#'well it's already horrible'#'might as well have more?'#no. no that's dumb. once you get in a hole there's no reason to keep digging lav! that's A BIGGER HOLE#stop! stop! it's already too deep! [simpsons meme]#etc#it's really hard because it wouldn't normally hurt other people so it's really tempting to just pretend the boundary is fake and not real#long enough to step over it#even other bipolar friends don't have as uh. delicate sensibilities as I do around caffeine#so it feels profoundly bad that I can't indulge in it#though one part is the forbidden aspect#I want it and can't have it- so I want it more because I can't have it#I stayed within budget though#I got a fun trinket to remember the special occasion by (tradition tea brewer and cups that I'll drink chamomile out of because fuck it)#I have enough to get ramen tomorrow (yay! something I enjoy that won't hurt me physically or mentally!)#and I'll probably get weaving supplies this month
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if i might be a little but mean beyond hea just being. That. i feel like the designs for hea princess and the cage are veryyy.. fandomy. tbh
#for the cage when you first see her ive seen like. 5 different fanarts of that all made months before release#and hea princess just feels like a mishmash of all the different queen designs ive seen#i feel like the new chapters & expanded chapters are also unnecessarily meta in a way that the base game tended to not be?#and it just rounds out to feeling a little less genuine because of it
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This could have just been a video of me watching the Obama/McCain debates to avoid thinking about the election cycle we're actually in right now
#op#shitpost#they were so civil and so well spoken#mccain wasnt a once in a generation speaker like Obama but he scored some points#frankly their policy was similar but the difference between them really struck me when they spoke about Afghanistan#mccain said “dont let them have died for nothing”#Obama said “dont let another person die without knowing why”#very telling on both sides#makes you so vividly aware that mccain spent months in a tiger cage for what turned out to be nothing#just to be spat on and forgotten when he came home#you could feel that he saw himself in the soldiers he'd met and the gold star families and it crushed him to think it had happened again#if sacrificing young lives on the altar of our own fear and then spitting on them when their deaths are in vain is just who we are now#I saved this screenshot ages ago because I was like “it me”#and every time I scroll past it on my phone I'm like. yep. still me.
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🌷🌼🌷
#i think i need to stop having the last thing i do in a day be talking to The Boy#because then i have to lay down and go to sleep with nothing to distract me from how it feels like#someone cracked open my rib cage and stole my heart out and sent it across the entire atlantic ocean to live with him#anyway lest it be all complaining about long distance i must say#i love him and he sent me flowers and they are beautiful and he makes me snort-laugh#and he loves Jesus and he is growing and doing things that are hard but worth it and he hates this too but he'd rather i be here where God#called me than with him rn#and he got offered a job! a really cool one he's excited about! which is wonderful because the post grad season these past months has been#uncertain and hard and kinda frustrating
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