#this might actually be one of the best things ive written in my own humble opinion

[f1ggotry]

do YOU want to read emotional transgender vampire sex? yes of course you do.

galex // 3.1k // explicit // pwp vampire sex. except theyre grossly in love and dont know it // yes george is transfem and has transitioned and still drives in f1 this is MY universe and i write the rules

[silverbridge-harbor]

Celebrimbor's Letter to Durin IV

A Tengwar Analysis

ayyy first time doing something like this, so it might suck but lets goooooo

My credentials are here.

In Rings of Power s02e02, Celebrimbor sends a letter to Durin. The first thing to note is that it is written in the "full writing" Beleriand style, where vowels are written as separate characters instead of diacritics. This is correct for second-age Elven writing in Eriador. Points there.

When I watched the episode, I was expecting this to be Sindarin, but it is actually English, transliterated phonetically. This means they are using a phonetic English full mode based on the Sindarin mode of Beleriand. Tolkien had a couple of these, but as far as I can tell, they came up with this one themselves. But it was done a bit...oddly.

First off, here it is as plain Standard English™, in ASCII:

Durin IV, I humbly request your attendance in Eregion, that I might present a new offer for the Dwarves of Khazad-dûm. Despite your recent misfortunes, I believe your ears are best suited to listen to this proposition. My people are in your debt, and I...

Okay, mostly ASCII. But anyway, this is what the letter says. No need to obsess over it and spend several hours dissecting it and writing a deep analysis.

...Unless?

Lets number the lines.

Now, lets go through it line by line, phonetically. I will be using the Quenya names for the tengwar given on Amanyë Tenceli.

1: Durin 4,

Not all that much to say yet. Note the doubled stem on the first tengwa, Ando. This is comparable to the ornate first letters in illuminated manuscripts, and does not change anything. It looks a bit like a friend we will meet in a moment, though, so it was worth mentioning.

They didnt use a dot or ring to mark the 4 as a number, but since its a single digit below 10, no big deal.

2: ai hambly rikwest yór (I humbly request your)

So this suddenly became a mess. But, actually, not really; remember, this is a phonetic transcription, so strictly speaking, anything goes, as long as it sounds right when you read it back out.

The first thing I noticed was the tehta on the last word, the rightward hook. That is the O-tehta, used to mark a consonantal tengwa with a preceding or following O-vowel...something a full mode is specifically supposed to not be doing. Here, it is over Anna, which also represents an o in the Beleriand mode. So I figured it was standing for a lengthened ó, but in a weird way similar to how diphthongs are written. Then I saw the same tehta over Úrë on a later line, and realized: the way to lengthen a vowel in the Beleriand mode is to use an andatehta. This is usually the E-tehta, which looks like an acute accent. Here, they simply swapped that out for the more interesting looking O-tehta. I havent seen this before, but I like it. Sauron did something vaguely similar, using the O-tehta in the ring inscription to represent U-vowels in the Black Speech.

Lets talk about those ys. That tengwa is Ára, which is used for a consonantal i, in words like iâth and iorhael. Basically, think of it as a J in Latin. (I am having trouble digging up my old source on this, but the transcriptions on Eldamo seem to agree with me.) The point is, as a consonant, Ára fits perfectly for "your", but doesnt really make sense for "humbly". The Beleriand Sindarin mode already has a vocalic y, using Silmë Nuquerna; it represents a vowel we do not even have in English, so there would be no conflict to simply repurpose it for this. Ára was an odd choice.

3: itendins in eregion, (attendance in Eregion,) 4: dhaet ai mait prezent i (that I might present a)

Here it gets weird. The first i on line 3 and the last on 4, both Telco, both represent what was originally a. A few things could be happening here.

In the Classical mode, for Quenya, Telco is a carrier mark, with no sound of its own. Additionally, the A-tehta can be dropped where it can be assumed, because it is both the most common vowel in Quenya and the most complicated tehta to write. Because of these two facts, a lone Telco can be read as an A-vowel. But this is a different mode for a different language. I hope this isnt what they were going for.

They may be using Telco to represent Schwa. This fits perfectly for these two occurrences, and several other lines, but I would expect it to also be used, for example, in "hambly" above and "av" below.

It could be an indeterminate vowel, essentially meaning "figure it out yourself". This seems feasible, to me; this is the default in many languages, including Khuzdûl, and the letter is being written to a Dwarf, after all. But also, the letter is being written to a Dwarf, by an Elf. This is a diplomatic letter. An indeterminate vowel seems a bit too...casual? for this context.

The ae diphthong in "dhaet"/"that" is a bit odd too, but it might be based on IPA [æ], the vowel in "that".

5: nú ófir fór dhi dwórvz (new offer for the Dwarves) 6: av khazaddúm. (of Khazad-dûm.)

I appreciate "khazaddúm" being run together like this. Fun fact: the hyphens in names (like this and "Gil-galad") are for our benefit only; they are not used when writing with the Tengwar (at least as far as I have ever seen, but I cant afford the really good sources like Vinyar Tengwar and Parma Eldalamberon).

Also note the use of Quessë for kh. This is very strange. First, the Beleriand mode does not use tengwar from the quessetéma (fourth column), except for Wilya, so this use of Quessë was added for the show. Secondly, the Beleriand mode already has a tengwa that represents this sound: Aha (or Harma).

However, Aha is usually romanized as ch, instead of kh. It may be that the transliterator was working from a character table, saw "ch", assumed it to represent [tʃ] (as in English) instead of [x], and decided to repurpose an unused tengwa.

7: dispait yór ryisint (Despite your recent) 8: mysfórchinz, ai bylyiv (misfortunes, I believe)

Ope, here we go using Ára as a vowel again.

Wait...what? Why are you using Ára, which you are already using as a Y-vowel, with the Y-tehta? Treating that as a diphthong like ai, it turns out as yi. What is this? Is this supposed to be like "Kyiv"? Is this even still the same person as the first half?

EDIT 2024-09-03: Skimming over this again, they did indeed use Aha here to represent [tʃ], the English value of ch, and I totally missed the connection. I guess I was distracted by this yi business. Anyway, this shows that they were at least aware of Aha, and most likely did see it labelled as "ch". I am okay with the idea of reassigning it, as it is in one of the three primary témar in the mode, and English does use [tʃ] vastly more than [x]. But, as mentioned below, Hwesta is used for [x] in Gondor, so I would have simply borrowed that, rather than arbitrarily assigning Quessë. That might be slightly anachronistic, though.

Also, @tragedykery in the replies has pointed out that the vowel /iː/ can become the diphthong [ɪj] in certain situations in Celebrimbor's accent (thanks :D), which may have been the intent behind the Ára diphthong I interpret as yi. This also fits well with ae representing [æ].

9: yór yrz or best sútyd (your ears are best suited)

"OR"??? ...Okay, I see what happened here, actually. Anna looks like ɑ (and its name even starts with an A), but in the Beleriand mode, it actually represents an O-vowel. This one was most likely just a proofreading slip.

Gonna have to put Ára up on the high shelf soon, though. You know, the high shelves? The ones who have seen the light of the coat trees.

10: tú lysin tú dhys (to listen to this) 11: propizyʃin. mai pyipil (proposition. My people)

Here they used Hwesta to represent, presumably, [ʃ]. This is another repurposed tengwa from the quessetéma. This one, however, does not already have an equivalent in this mode. Fair play.

Incidentally, Hwesta is directly adjacent to Aha on the chart, and is itself used to represent [x] in the mode of Gondor.

"Pyipil" is very strange. But then, so is "people". And so are people.

12: or yn yor det, ind ai (are in your debt, and I)

This is the last line, with the bottom cut off, but I think this is right, looking at the line weights. Featuring the return of our friend "or".

Vocalic Ára aside, "yn" is very interesting, because "in" has already shown up, way back on line 3. I really do wonder whether they had two people on this.

Also interesting is "yor", without a long vowel. This one is definitely just a simple proofreading mistake.

Overall, I would say this is...decent. Again, it is a phonetic transcription, and it is 100% legible. From that angle, mission accomplished. I do wish they had written it in Sindarin, or, failing that, defined a more comprehensive and consistent Beleriand English mode to work from.

And of course, this still absolutely puts Shadow of War to shame.

Finally, here is the full actual text of the letter, in the Tengwar, according to the character mapping of the Free Tengwar Font Project. I have absolutely no idea how Tumblr is going to respond to this. For science :D

                                            

Ah. Looks like thats the same Unicode block Tumblr uses for their own custom characters. So its probably not worth it to try to get Tumblr to use a Tengwar font, because it would break other stuff. Should be able to paste that mess into a compatible text editor and look at it there, though, so I will leave it in.

[toonytoodles]

[Before reading, this is my FIRST fan fiction ive ever written, please leave kind feedback, thank you]

Onward fanfic; "Transfer students,"

Chapter one; "Application"

The young elf walked in the door, quickly making his way to his older brothers room. He could always count on Barley for advice, especially when it was important.

Ian approached his room, seeing that he was busy painting his Quest of Yore figurines, but if he was going to do this, he couldn't wait.

"Hey, umm, Bar?" He hesitantly asked, poking his head into Barleys bedroom.

"Brother!" Barley shouted in a booming voice, setting the figurine down along with the paintbrush. "Why hath thou cometh into mine lair?" He smiled as he stood up.

"Umm, well..." Ian sighed. "The school is doing this exchange student thing? And I umm, well, I was thinking about joining?"

"An exchange student?" His brother looked surprised, maybe even hurt. "Wouldn't- wouldn't that mean you, leaving?"

"Well, yes, but-but I'd go see new things, and meet new people! It's not something that I'd usually do, but I thought it could be fun? Maybe?"

Barley slipped out a light chuckle, "Well I'd miss you, that's for sure, but I'm glad to see my baby bro coming out of his shell!" He began using his Quest of Yore voice, "This shall be your most daunting quest yet, venturing to a far mysterious land alone, to study along side the native people, and embrace in a new culture!" He laughed triumphantly, tightly hugging his brother, nearly lifting him off the floor. "Tell me dear brother! When dost thy leave our humble city?" He released his brother, allowing him to breathe once more.

Ian laughed, "I-I'm not leaving yet! I wasn't even sure if I was going to do it yet! Besides, I haven't talked to mom or applied yet, I uh, I wanted to talk to you first." He smiled at him.

Barley smiled back, "Ah, well you might want to do those couple of things soon! I'd hate to see you lose the opportunity!"

"Yeah, you're right... I-I'm gonna talk to mom, and if it's alright with her, then I might, maybe, put in an application tomorrow... Possibly." He looked upset, as though he was second guessing everything, he looked down with a heavy sigh. The poor young elf was suffocating from his own anxieties.

"Hey," Barley began, "It'll be okay bro." He placed his arm on Ian's shoulder. "No matter what choice you make or where you go, it'll be alright, I promise." He smiled reassuringly. "Me and Guenivere two are only a phone call away," he began the voice again, "Your trusty brother and his mighty steed will overcome any obstacle to be by your side, and over come any challenge!" Ian couldn't help but laugh again, that stupid voice always got him.

"Now go brother! Request council with the queen so she may approve of your mission!"

"Alright alright I'm going." He lightly chuckled, leaving Barleys room. "Hey mom?" He lightly shouted, walking into the living room.

"Yes sweetie?" Their mother Laurel responded from the kitchen.

"Hey, umm, you're not too busy, right?" He asked as he came into the kitchen.

"Well I'm making dinner, but we can talk!" She smiled, turning to her son and noticing his nervousness grew upset, "It looks like somethings bothering you, are you okay? I swear if that Gorgamon is picking on you again-"

"No- no mom! I mean yes, but-but it's not that!"

"Oh, then what's up sweetheart?" She questioned, looking curious as she poured pasta into a boiling pot.

"Well- there's this thing, at school? Umm, an exchange student program? I was wondering if- if I could apply? Maybe?" He smiled nervously with a light chuckle.

"Well, I- You have proven you can take care of yourself... You're sixteen, and you've learned some magic, slayed a dragon, and the fact that you're asking has shown how much you've matured.... Well... Will you promise to call every day to let me know you're alright?"

"Yes, I'd call every day, I'd want to tell you guys everything!" He sounded eager to go.

"Wow, this is something you really wanna do, huh?" She sounded surprised.

"Yes! I mean- maybe? I-I haven't left New Mushroomington since that camping trip, and the opportunity for a paid for trip to live in another town and get to experience other cultures? It-it sounds amazing! Even if it is mostly school stuff, I'd- I'd still get to see new things and meet all kinds of people, it-it umm, just sounds nice." He chuckled nervously, noticing he was ranting.

"Have you applied yet?" She asked, stirring the pasta.

"No! No- I-I needed to talk to you and Barley first."

"Is your brother okay with it?"

"Well he-he seemed excited, I'm pretty sure he wants me to do it."

"Then I'm okay with it too!" She smiled, "You should apply tomorrow!"

"Really?" He questioned, "You-you don't think this is too dumb, or risky, or anything like that?"

"No! I think this'll be good for you! Just let me know if you can learn anything about the student coming here, I'd love to be able to prepare!"

"Will... You make sure they don't mess up my room too bad? And ask them to walk Blazey?"

"I'll do my best with your room, but remember to treat their room how you'd want them to treat your room, and once you find out where you're going try to study up, and-and be careful talking to strangers-"

"Mom!" Ian laughed lightly, "I'm not leaving yet! You don't have to worry about any of that stuff yet!"

"Well neither do you! I thought we were prepping!"

"Yeah, you're right... I guess I'm just nervous, I never thought I'd even be tempted to do anything like this..."

"Yeah, and I'm nervous for my little guy to leave... This'll be new to all of us." She chucked nervously.

Ian smiled at her, "Hey? Need help with dinner?" She nodded at him. "Yeah, that'd be nice."

The two prepared dinner together, soon sitting to eat. After that the evening routine went as usual, taking Blazey on her nighttime walk, reading a chapter of a book, mundane things like that, until bedtime finally came. Barleys snore could he heard throughout the house, but that's not what was keeping Ian awake, he couldn't stop thinking about the exchange student program... Was he actually going to do it? Leave home? Leave his family? It was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and his family fully supports him, but is it the right choice? He tossed and turned all night, and there was enough sighs and second guesses to last a life time. Eventually he did fall asleep, though it wasn't very restful. It felt as though the alarm went off seconds after he finally dozed off. He smacked the snooze button, as he sat up, sighing and covering his face. He wants to apply, but at the same time he's terrified to actually do it...

He got out of bed, got dressed and went downstairs.

"Good morrow dear brother!" Barley shouted, "Are you ready to seize the day and fill out the form needed for your quest?"

"I-I don't know..." Ian stuttered out.

"Oh," Barley looked at him, slightly concerned, "Hey, don't get cold feet now! You should go see some of the world! It'll be fun remember? Embracing in another culture, meeting locals, doesn't that sound epic?!"

Ian laughed, "Yeah... I'm just... I know I'm not leaving yet or anything, but, I'm gonna miss you guys." He sighed.

"Hey, we're gonna talk every day, and you have a while before you leave! Right now all your doing is filling out a form." Their mother smiled, "Now get something to eat, you boys have to get going soon!"

Ian nodded, getting a box of cereal out of the pantry. He poured the cereal into the bowl, then poured the milk on top. He sat to eat his cereal, as barley sat across from him eating a muffin.

"So," Barley said, "If wherever you end up has exclusive merch?..."

"If it does, I'll get you some," Ian laughed, taking a bite. They continued talking as they ate, before rinsing off their dishes and heading outside.

"Come brother! Join me on my trusty steed!" Barley shouted, jumping into Guenivere two. "I'm coming, I'm coming," Ian smiled, jumping in.

The two drove to school, where Barley dropped Ian off. "I shall see thee at the end of mine shift! Have a glorious day!"

"Thanks Barley!" He smiled, getting out and headed toward the building. This was it... He walked in, heading to the office to fill out an application.

[alexsfictionaddiction]

Alex Recommends: April Books

First of all, I want to offer my apologies for this post being a couple of days later than usual. I’ve been feeling pretty down for the last few days and I’m only just starting to step into the light again. Not being able to see so many people I love is starting to take its toll on me and I can feel myself getting irritable over small things. Whenever I realise that I’m being petty or getting annoyed over silly things, it has a knock-on effect on my self-esteem which then causes me to berate myself and hate anything I try to produce. So as you can imagine, the recent past hasn’t been full of ideal conditions to write anything good, whether that be blog posts, cover letters or my own fiction. I’ll get there though, I’m sure.

If you missed them earlier on this month, I wrote two posts full of books that are highly appropriate to our current situation. One is full of the best novels that centre on pandemics and the other is full of books to lift your spirits. Check them out, if you haven’t already cause I guarantee that one of them will have exactly what you need. 

I have read some other great books too and as ever, here are five that I haven’t reviewed or mentioned already this month but that you should definitely pick up. There’s a great mixture this month too, so hopefully one of these might pique your interests. Till next time, stay safe and take care! -Love, Alex x

SHOULD HAVE READ IT YEARS AGO: The Beginning of the World in the Middle of the Night by Jen Campbell

Jen Campbell is a very respected BookTuber and author. Hers was one of the first BookTube channels I began watching around eight years ago and I learnt so much about various mythologies and original folktales from her. I’ve had a copy of this book of her short stories for a little while and something compelled me to pick it up this month. My favourites include the title story written as a conversation between a couple as they discuss various theories on the beginning of the world; Margaret, Mary and the End of the World which details the parallels between a young pregnant Catholic girl and the immaculate conception in a very clever way and Aunt Libby’s Coffin Hotel, where those with a fear of death can experience a simulated version of it every night of their stay. Glittering with glimpses of traditional fairytales, myths and folklore, these strange, dark and whimsical stories are the perfect companion to a lonely night.

FICTION: Dominicana by Angie Cruz      

On New Year’s Day 1965, 15-year-old Ana is forced to marry Juan Ruiz, a man twice her age who will take her away from her humble home in the Dominican Republic to an apartment in New York City. Her parents have assured her that it is the best thing for the family and that she will create a better life in the States which they will all eventually be able to join. But with political turmoil bubbling away in her homeland and feelings simmering for a man who isn’t her husband, Ana realises that perhaps her life won’t quite be the simple comfortable one she has been promised. Full of forbidden doomed romances, Dominicana is a beautifully written novel about a culture and time period that I’ve never read before. I learnt so much about the struggles and emotional pain that girls like Ana suffer. Forced marriages aren’t something that have been left in the 1960s, so although the book is set over 50 years ago, it actually reads as somewhat contemporary. It’s not hard to see why it was recently shortlisted for the Women’s Prize for Fiction.

MIDDLE-GRADE: TrooFriend by Kirsty Applebaum

Ivy is Sarah’s TrooFriend 560 Mark IV, a highly sophisticated android who doesn’t harm, lie, steal or envy. Advertised as the ‘Better Choice For Your Child’, the TrooFriend is flying out of the factory doors, thanks to eager parents. However, rumours that the TrooFriend 560 Mark IV can experience real human emotions and could potentially be dangerous are stirring but that’s not true of Ivy... is it? Told from Ivy’s perspective, my heart went on a crazy ride with this one! It raises questions about rapid developments in AI and the potential relevance to human rights and ethics that comes with that. It brings up the idea that the technology industry has multiple dark secrets that the average consumer has no idea about. It’s easily the most unique middle-grade book I’ve ever read and I couldn’t put it down. Perhaps the perfect (very gentle) nudge into worlds like Black Mirror for 9-12 year olds.

YA: Loveboat, Taipei by Abigail Hing Wen

Ever Wong’s strict Chinese parents try their best to nip their daughter’s dancing dream in the bud by sending her to Taiwan to study Mandarin. Highly reluctant Ever finds herself spending her summer amongst over-achieving rich kids but what her parents don’t know is that this is actually Loveboat, a study program where clubbing and romance is much higher on students’ to-do lists. Intense friendships, a love square, the fake-dating trope and drama after drama, my bleeding heart was hooked. There is a lot of adult content in this book which could potentially class it as ‘new-adult’ rather than YA and I’d definitely say that this is for readers aged 16 and over. However, it does have some of my favourite elements of YA -self-discovery and pushing through the boundaries that have been set for you. Bonus information nugget: Loveboat is actually a real study and social program for Chinese-American students!

LITERARY FICTION: My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell

In 2000, when she was 15, Vanessa Wye had an intense passionate affair with her English professor, 42-year-old Jacob Strane. An affair that went on intermittently for years. In 2017, another of his students has accused Strane of sexual abuse and she wants Vanessa to tell her story and testify against a man she has been in love with since she was a teenager. There is so much explored in this breathtaking novel including trauma, obsession, consent, abuse of power but also the complexities of who truly holds the power in a relationship. I’ve never read a sexual abuse story where the lines are so blurred or a character quite as fresh and inherently believable like Vanessa. You’ll need to set some time apart to inhale this heady intense cocktail of a novel.  

[superrcell]

clara!! or teru mobbedpsycho

omg hehe ill do both bc i love them both so much : )

clara!

How I feel about this character

oh my god, i LOVE her? i love her so much. literally my favorite healer. her route is literally the best.

its just like. shes SO fun. shes so weird and shes so funny and i just love love love how shes written. i love that in the beginning of her own route shes like.. literally Just a little girl. like getting worried bc she told the first lie in her life ,,, its just like shes so cute. i love her and shes soooo funny oh my god. i love love love how through her route she becomes more confident with herself and her path, it seems... just like everything is so good about her.

i love her place in the game as well... shes the youngest, definitely the one who you’d probably trust the least to do a good job, and just so ... she’s so weird! i love that she is the character who becomes the sort of meta character, where the developers Know you’ve gone thru everything twice, we’re now just going to let her know all you need. plus, i fucking LOVE her powers with the hook - thats a trope i just love so much... 

i love her black and white mentality? its just so interesting... i love how the world warps in her route, where people are especially evil, or are especially good. and i love. i LOVE that she’s put with all of the humbles... like i just love everything about her SO much ... 

All the people I ship romantically with this character

oh, as ive said: grace!! i find their relationship incredibly cute, especially with how clara says how much she likes her in her route... plus! weird (graveyard) girls unite :) idk, i just feel like they complement each other very well, and would understand each other very well! its very cute!

to a much lesser degree, i also find capella and clara cute, but i dont have quite as many thoughts on it. 

My non-romantic OTP for this character (im just interpreting this as other relationships i find interesting)

omg, so many, um ,,, 

firstly, the saburovs! i think more about katerina just because of who i am, but i love thinking of if they were like . . . an actually good family. idk, its just like if the saburovs weren’t In That Situation... maybe, just maybe they would be better? they obviously care about clara very very much, as shown in those first few days... idk, i just love the idea of good families 😔

secondly, like almost every relationship she has with the humbles, or what potential relationship she’ll have in p2 now that some of them have been reworked. i cant go through the whole list because ill be here all day, but especially rubin and her relationship; the connection she has with aspity; im interested in how the others will be reworked and how they’ll interact with clara just... ayugh i love all of the  humbles so much!

thirdly, um. okay not to be a termite stan but thinking of her relationship with some of the termites is super interesting... in particular, as ive said, grace and her seem like they could very well be very good friends if not gfs, and sticky! theyre both thieves ... i feel like it can be very interesting, though i doubt they would be really close hsdjkgjk still! i just love thinking of her potential relationship with the other kids.

fourthly, also aglaya because of her connection with clara, with knowing. Everything about their world is so interesting. plus, just how aglaya treats her is so... interesting? shes just SO different in clara’s route, its so interesting...

and lastly, as i said: her relationship with block! i dont have too many thoughts, but i find his care for her very very interesting and sweet... im interested in how their relationship will be expanded upon in her route!

wait no im still adding things: her relationship with the albino! idk i just find her relationship with the creature of the steppe so sweet... its just like the bond between them its just so nice and it makes me so 💖thinking about it in her route...

My unpopular opinion about this character

clara best healer! clara’s route is the best! i hate it when people only use her for their daniil/artemiy ship shit! she doesnt give a shit about them! stop pushing her off to the side! her route is unfinished, yes, thats really only the side quests from day 8 on! the main quest is always different! just play her route! shes not just some weird person who only speaks in metaphors, shes also a little girl!  i love clara very much! 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

oh, hmm... her route to be finished, and actually full of details? ghdsjkgj really though, i remember people saying that they might go for a genre shift with the other two routes in p2, and i think her’s being more horror would be SO cool... i also hope that we can hug people in her route as well, oh my god. oh my god. please let me hug the saburovs. 

-------

teruki!

How I feel about this character

i LOVE teru! hes absolutely, 100%, completely my favorite mp100 character. hes such a huge comfort character to me as well its just like i looveee his character. hes so SO funny and hes so dumb but also hes like SO smart and. hes SOOOO smart and i just can relate to him a lot! who am i but a constant string of “oh yeah im very smart and i can do this amazingly” and then almost immediately being followed by someone showing me up, 

plus, i feel like hes just my favorite character archetype. its just like! i am such a huuugeeee fan of characters showing off and trying to act big but are hiding behind a ton of insecurities. or well, maybe not quite hiding behind them, but having a lot of them. after all i think teru truly is just Like That, though his actions in his arc were heavily motivated by these insecurities... idk i just love him so much. hes just really relatable to me in some aspects and in all others i just find so fun. hes such a great character!

All the people I ship romantically with this character

oh, mob ofc! i dont think about the ship all that much, but i think its rlly cute, and i definitely feel like teru has a lot of love in his heart for mob! its rlly nice and can be very sweet c:  

My non-romantic OTP for this character (im just interpreting this as other relationships i find interesting)

mob! once again i just think their friendship is just really nice, and i love how much teru cares for mob! plus theyre so funny gdhksjjg idk theyre just a fun team!! i love them!! i dont have many other thoughts, as i feel like their relationship is explored constantly, and i dont have many new thoughts to bring to the table. i just love it when their shown in a fun light c:

also, now idk if ive ever given this vibe off but, i LOVE found families, so i looveeee love love the au where reigen and serizawa take in shou, tome, and teru! like even outside of the au, i feel like a friendship with shou would be so nice? its just like the shared familial issues 😔plus i think theyd be hilarious together. no matter what i see them as having a more brotherly relationship! i like especially thinking about them playing games together, and same with tome! which like tome, oh my god i feel like theyd be so fun together and just the thought of them as siblings sounds like it could very very easily go badly because of clashing personalities but idk... i just feel like it could also be really nice and fun :) i love thinking about the sibling relationships in mp100 so much because theyre all just so fun characters and it feels like it can always result in such a fun and not like... angsty atmosphere. like i can just see them as being actual siblings, and its nice!

also, reigen ofc! i mentioned that i like the idea of reigen taking him in, though i think reigen might not be a . . . great parental figure. but i just really like the found familyness of it... plus, okay, this is going to be obvious since im such a teru stan, but the one omake where reigen takes them all out for a “client” but it just is reigen trying to give them all a fun summer day because teru mentioned how his family doesnt ever really see him... oh my god its about That. just an adult figure caring for teru makes me happy and thats why i love their relationship so much.

also, i have much less thoughts about this (or at least now i do), but the idea of teru and ritsu being friends sounds so funny. like i dont have many thoughts on it; its all mainly this comic on them 

My unpopular opinion about this character

hmmm, i think all of my opinions are echoed by the people in my corner of the fandom, but one i can think of is like just about Every take on his fashion sense is so cold, besides the one thats like “hes a rich teenager living on his own and thats why his fashion sense is like that.” like he obviously cares about his own appearance, but aahkdshjkg i dont think its like so much as so many people put on him. also for  the love of god focus on his other interests other than fashion for once, 

idk, i think most of my opinions boil down to “i dont like what hes been reduced to/what the fandom always focuses on for him.” 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

oh, hm! i wish they hadnt cut out the one scene in s2 (around the beginning of the world domination arc, at teru’s apartment) where teru basically shows off his powers and how much hes grown and knows... i get Why they cut it out, but, as far as i remember, its such a good part of his character i wish they had kept in! 

i also hope that they add a little extra of him in s3 since i feel like they will have  more time left over ... 👉👈

send me a character :)

[showingthroughtome]

7: june 23rd

Instead of taking it as a joke, Jess replies with genuine, flirty inquiry, “Really? You could stop Carly?”

Harry raises his shoulders, and humbly gestures, “Maybe.”

“Alright.” She agrees, crossing her arms and challenges him. The ball is in his court so now it isn’t up to her  which direction things go - if only for this one situation.

read below - mibba - story page - word count: 1482

Neither Harry nor Jess end up going through with their little sabotaging plans. On a very basic level, it turns out that they don’t really dislike camping, or the woods. They’ve always loved being outdoors, getting into little adventures in the park where they can feed the ducks, going down one of the trails that lead them into a forested area, only to have them both running back to their moms to get checked for ticks an hour later. The only differences between that and camping are that they're there much longer and they have to check for their own ticks. Which, they don't mind enough to want to go home - definitely not more than they liked being with their friends, recklessly drinking alcohol they had to get their older siblings to buy.  

By the third and final night, Jessica has mastered the art of finding the perfect wood to make a lasting camp fire. It may be too early to determine, but she feels like an expert in the area, bragging about it as she walks back to the campsite with Ben and Carly flanking her sides.

She's swinging a hefty stick around, boasting, “I mean, look at this. This will burn all night if we let it.”

“It’ll be ash in an hour and a half.” Ben holds up his hands, shielding himself from the stick.

“I give it an hour.” Carly, equally unamused, catches it and pulls it from Jessica’s hands.

Ben leans forward to look around her to Carly. “Are we making this a bet?”

“Guys! You’re not very encouraging of my skills!” Jess reaches to retrieve her find, coming up unsuccessful mostly because she is short, but also because Carly is extremely tall.

“Hey, you gotta leave her alone. It’s not her fault she only can reach five feet off the ground.” Harry shouts from beside their fire.

Jessica had been so preoccupied by her stick that she hadn’t even realized they were approaching the rest of their friends - what was she? A dog?

She looks between Harry and Carly who are now having a small stare down - Carly’s hand is still in the air and another one is keeping Jess away from her goal. Harry’s expression is one of playful business while Carly’s face reads pure joy. Harry lifts a finger, pointing sternly.

“Ugh, fine.” Carly lowers her arm and hands over the sturdy piece of wood. “It’s kind of sad to literally hold things over your head.”

Jess nods, sarcastically agreeing. “Yeah, I get it. Kind of like how it is to see you try to find something that is actually flammable.”

As soon as the words are out of her mouth, she takes off into a jog to hide behind a snickering Niall and Harry. Niall holds up one of the skewers him and Harry had been putting hotdogs on and aims it in the direction Jessica had come from. When looking back, she finds out that Carly hasn’t even taken a step towards her yet.

“Chill. I’m not gonna attack you.” Carly claims, hands on hip, playing innocent though everyone knows that's never been true.

Ben comes to her side, throws an arm around her neck and grimaces, “Babe, you do know pranks in the night are the same as attacks?”

“Yeah! Pranks at night especially count as attacks.” Jessica peers around Harry's shoulder, emphasizing her point. If Carly is going to retaliate, she would much rather it happen when one of her senses isn’t fucked any further than it usually is. Jess squeezes Harry’s upper arm so he’ll make his stance on her side known.

“Especially.” He nods, and then points his skewer more directly with the most unalarming frown ever.

“Thanks.” Jess huffs.

Carly drops her few pieces of firewood on the pile and throws up her hands in defeat. “Seriously guys. I can take a joke now without getting angry. You’ll see.”

She swings her arm around Ben’s waist and then the two take a seat on a sleeping bag laid out over the dirt.

“Ben, watch your girl.” Jessica pleads, winking at Carly when they make eye contact and becomingly slightly alarmed when Carly doesn’t return one, seeming actually, a little bit pissed indeed.

Jessica shudders at the thought. She places her firewood right in the flame that’s still lightly burning from the one they started for lunch. Soon enough, it’ll be big enough to roast their dinner.

“Do you think I should worry about that?” She asks the boys even though she knows Carly wont do anything that will actually harm her, perhaps something like a demonic symbol drawn on her forehead in permanent ink or sticking her hand in a cup of warm water so she’ll pee her pants like an anxious eight year old.

“I would be.” Niall shakes his head in grief, remembering, “Last time I joked on Carly, she told every girl that I brought into the apartment that I was a crier.”

“No.” Harry slaps his forehead with pity for his friend, shaking his curls and laughing. “That is undesirable.”

“Dude.” Jessica deflates for the guy, only imagining how awkward the follow up conversation could be to that. No offense, but who wants to hear how emotional someone is at first contact with a friend?

“Ehh, that’s okay.” Niall pats the hand Harry had placed on his shoulder comfortingly. “I did get her back. Apparently she doesn’t like honey more than shaving cream. Weird.” Niall smirks, leaving his friends to think about that as he backs away to do something else.

Harry and Jessica grin at the possibilities then face each other, shaking their heads in regret for the roommates who just signed a lease for another whole year.

“They’ll kill each other.” Jessica jokes in delight at her friend's expense.

“They think they’re actually on a prank show.” Harry agrees with a nod. He swats a bug that flies for his face and then returns more seriously, obviously worried for his best friend, “But, seriously, stay alert. I think she spotted a bee hive earlier.”

“Oh my god, Harry. Shut up.” She pushes him with all her might, heart beating faster at the teasing. With all of her friends making jokes about it, the only thing that keeps her from panicking is the thought - she can take a joke now. Carly isn’t fifteen anymore. She can take one little joke now.

“I guess I could sleep in your tent with you to make sure nothing bad happens.” He offers with a smile, eyes on her red vinyl tent set up right next to his yellow one. Even though it wasn’t planned, every one of them brought their own two person tent, figuring they’d share with someone who forgot their own. Since it was their first camping trip, they all chalked it up to a rookie mistake and enjoyed the breathing room as they slept through those warm summer nights.

It would be a lie to say that she didn’t think about maybe sleeping in the same tent with Harry and what that would do. Would it make things awkward? Would it speed things up? Would it leave them in this limbo?

Instead of taking it as a joke, Jess replies with genuine, flirty inquiry, “Really? You could stop Carly?”

Harry raises his shoulders, and humbly gestures, “Maybe.”

“Alright.” She agrees, crossing her arms and challenges him. The ball is in his court so now it isn’t up to her  which direction things go - if only for this one situation.

“Cause I’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout forever. Oooh.” Nat, coming out of the woods to the right of them, sings, dancing with grooving shoulders as she croons, “Or do you not think so far ahead?”

She stops right next to them, interrupting their not so innocent, flirty banter entirely.

“That is the ultimate shower song… or I guess, slightly-gross-lake-water-hair-washing song.” She exhales and thinks, “Definitely the more accurate title.”

Then she looks between them and cracks a smile, breaking character of Obnoxious Camping Nat.

“Nat, I love you with my entire soul.” Jess claims in her most serious tone, covering her heart and throwing her arm around her fellow short person. With all her attention on Nat, together they walk to a sleeping bag and prepare a hotdog. Once Nat is sat down, she sees that the fire was left to dwindle under the care of her friends so she gets right back up and complains the whole time she stokes the fire.

For the rest of the night, over red cups and shot glasses, Jess catches Harry’s eyes more than a few times. And at the end of the night, she zips her tent up with tipsy fingers, comfortable to be alone because Carly had complained about being tired for a while before she crashed hard hours ago.

authors note:

hiii! im personally not that happy with this chapter. i feel like its not the strongest one ive ever written. imma let you guys who actually read my notes in on a secret: i write a lot of this story while high. i mean, thats when the story came to me so why not? lol a lot of the time that works out for me but idk about this one. this just seems a little choppy. choppy stoned lauren came out and idk how to fix it (or maybe i am just accepting it for what it is lolol??) hopefully you can stay with me for the next one. because man oh man, we are building up to something!

please please please let me know what you think!!!!!!!!

thank you so so so much to @what-comes-from-within for betaing this for me as she does everything i put out these days, she is the bees knees <3

thank you so much for reading!

- lauren

[cyincalangels]

a final goodbye

as a warning, this is going to be all my thoughts and emotions in one long post. a post i never even thought i would have to make. when i first made this page, i wanted to show this to you at a bigger milestone in a relationship, i wasnt sure what that was going to be or when that was going to happen to be honest. but here we are, at our final milestone. parts of me also never really wanted to show or mention this page to you. but in all honesty, this makes it easier for me to recognize and acknowledge what im feeling and being able to come back and see how my feelings and thoughts have grown or may have changed. i read through all the posts ive written to double check if these are even worth showing you. and i still think they are. i still feel the same way in each post ive written. and i think ill always feel the same way, even after you’re no longer a huge role in my life. i was hurting after i read through all the posts because 1. ive never written things about other people like that. i never even write my feelings out like that 2. i always felt at peace almost after writing each post. each post made me more grateful for you. and dont get me wrong, its not like i only wrote these posts when i was happy, i only wrote when i remembered or made time. there should have been waaaay more posts than there really are. so ill try to make it fit in this one. and 3. im scared ill never really be able to feel like this about a person again. or at least want to be vulnerable anytime soon. again, i never really felt this way about someone. so it definitely hurts having to sit here and write this. i hurt because i know this is my fault. i dont need you to accept or validate anything in this post or what ive done and i dont need you to say it wasnt my fault. ive come to terms that a lot of this was caused by my baggage i failed to heal on my own, which eventually ended in me basically neglecting you and taking you for granted. ive honestly had to stop and cry and recollect myself several times in writing this so it may be all over the place. im also really sorry if this is way too much for you and if this is nowhere near how you felt about me.

i can thank you in a million ways for how you have impacted my life in the very short four months ive known and got the chance to experience you. you were the first and only person who really made the effort to want to get to know me and learn about me. its taught me to be vulnerable and be okay with sharing myself and my stories with others. it showed to me that some people actually still care about what made me, me. i think thats what really intrigued me the most about you. you like stories and you wanted to hear mine. and i wanted to share and experience some of my life story with you. but now all i really have of the memories that remind me of you.

you also exposed to me a lot of my own trauma that needs to be fixed. it was a hard and ugly truth i had to accept about myself and still trying to process it all now. you were strong enough to stand up for yourself and realize that youve had enough of all my baggage. that was probably one of the most humbling moments ive had in a long time because i mean yeah, people leave me for reasons, but it didnt affect me like how this did. it really woke me up to realize that i need to stop making excuses for my trauma. i cant just rely on attention to make it go away. maybe because i tried so hard (at least in my head) to do things to make you stay and i forced us to change to make it work. when ive always known that i cant control or force someone or something to stay. thank you for forcing me to want to work on myself. for me now. 

i know i spent a lot of time talking about me and not enough about you. i asked you today and you said you never needed much from me and for some reason, i felt like i failed you. because you did not need much and i couldnt even give that to you. although i kept asking and telling you what i needed and what works for me and i just wanted you to listen, i couldnt even do the same. i wanted change in a relationship its like i wanted to help change you to be better for me but i couldnt even change myself to be the best for you. i didnt want to accept that the change that was needed, was in me instead. i guess you were right when you kept asking if i was ready for you. because now looking back at it all, there is still so much work for me to do. 

i really went through all five stages at grief today. almost all at once. one second ill be okay and productive and really accepting of what i have to do from now on. but it could be seconds later where i think of you and suddenly bust into tears because i can no longer have access to you and no longer have you in my life. i thought to myself, “wow, i didnt think the last time i saw him was really THE last time ill probably ever see him again. ill never be able to hold his hand, hug or big spoon him, rub his back, or even scratch his head again.” all weird little things, but all things that i can never do again. i was more angry and disappointed with myself because my passion and emotions cost me someone i genuinely loved and cared about. it pushed someone away. again. i neglected you and let you slip away. i always had a feeling you’d leave me, i just didnt hope it was so soon. im going to miss you so much. beyond what words can explain. but even though i was upset or needed more when i wasnt physically with you, the second youd pick me up from the airport, all of that went away. being there with you made me forget what even makes me upset in the first place. i always appreciated every moment i got to spend with you. i was never bored. i was never tired of you. i never wished to be anywhere else than with you. 

theres so many things i regret that we couldnt experience together like how we hoped we could. like we couldnt go out anywhere together. you couldnt meet my people, even though they really wanted to. and i couldnt meet your people either. im actually really sad and hurt we couldnt travel or take a trip together. i was really looking forward to it because i know how much it meant for you to travel with your partner. theres so many things i wanted to do with you because i really enjoyed your presence and just wanted to share stories with you. but we couldnt experience a normal part of a relationship because of whats going on in the world. maybe that wouldve changed some things, but also it doesnt matter now. 

i wish i wouldve told you sooner. about how i really felt. not sure if that wouldve changed our situation much and what that would mean. but i never really would have thought i would fall in love with someone through an iphone screen. and i never expected you to feel the same, which may be a reason why i was always too scared to say it out loud to you. just know that i meant every word that i have ever said to you. ill still deadass ride or die for you. still support you. still always be here for you. still be a rock for you while the world is falling apart. still got your back, front, side, whatever you need. still be a call or text away. still be a nike plug if you need more shorts (or clothes and shoes in general). i could never hate you for this or for anything. i know all this is probably super dramatic for the four months ive known you, but i can promise you that this is nothing like ive experienced in a good way. i really do love you, camilo. and i knew for many weeks now. im sorry it had to come out this way. im sorry our story ended a lot sooner than we (mostly i) expected. i promise that ill still stay true to everything ive told you and promise to you that ill go to therapy for myself. please take good care of yourself. of all aspects of yourself please. i hope i can still count on you in the future. i love you. ill always keep praying for you. xoxoxo

ps this took me about two hours to write. and i might write more on here if i ever feel the creative need to release anytime soon, if youre curious to see later. 

[ciathyzareposts]

Game 363: Ultima VII: The Black Gate

A deceptively pleasant introductory screen.

              Ultima VII: The Black Gate

United States ORIGIN Systems (developer and publisher)

Released in 1992 for DOS; 1994 for SNES

Forge of Virtue expansion released later in 1992 for DOS

Date Started: 20 March 2020

I first played Ultima VII in 1999. I had just purchased my first Windows laptop after 7 years of Mac-exclusive ownership, and I was ready to catch up on a decade of RPGs. I had staved off my addiction while serving in the Army Reserves, going to college, meeting my eventual wife, and starting my career, and it was best for all of those endeavors that I did. But life had settled down by then, and I was ready to take the risk.

The first two “new” RPGs that I played were Might and Magic VI and Ultima VII. (“New” being post-1990, when my Commodore 64 had died. By then, Ultima VII was 7 years old, of course, but I still think of it on the “new” side of the dividing line between “old” games and “new” games.) I had a similar reaction to each of them: initial distaste, followed by growing admiration, followed by absolute awe.           

This may be the first CRPG with an expansion pack that takes place within the main quest.

             But I still remember the reasons behind my initial reaction, and a few of them remain valid criticisms. I bought it as part of an Ultima anthology, so I would have played it after hitting Ultima IV-VI in quick succession. Compared to the small, crisp icons of the previous games, the Ultima VII characters seemed impossibly lanky and awkward. The creators must have taken to heart the criticisms of the tiny Ultima VI game window because they made the entire screen the game window–but then they zoomed it in so much that you still only see a tiny area.

They removed the ability to choose a character portrait, and I hated–still hate, really–the long blond-haired jerk that I’m forced to play. The guy looks like he’s about 50, which doesn’t bother me as much today as it did then. The typed keyword-based dialogue that I absolutely cherished had been replaced by clicking on words spoon-fed to you by the game. And then there was all the clicking! For the first time, the Ultima interface wasn’t using my beloved keyboard shortcuts but instead wanted me to click around on things. I hate that now and I hated it more then, when the mouse was still new and uncomfortable.           

I still find everything about this screen annoying.

           Finally, there was the plot. 200 years have passed?! And all my old companions are still alive?! Who is this Red Thanos taunting me through the computer screen? And what in Lord British’s name have they done to Lord British?!

This is all to say that I’m glad I’m not playing Ultima VII for the first time. This is a game that vastly benefits in a replay, at a point where I’ve accepted its weaknesses but also have a full understanding of its strengths. In fact, the position that I’m in right now–knowing that I’m in for a good game but not remembering much of it because I haven’t played it in maybe 13 years–is just about perfect.

So let’s back up and note all the things that the game does right, starting with the animated, voiced introduction, perfectly scored. The game opens on a pleasant scene of Britannia. A butterfly dances around a grassy hillside at the edge of a forest. There’s a lilting tune with a timbre suggesting an organ but a melody suggesting more of a flute.                 

The first appearance of the Guardian.

            But after a few seconds, the music fades and is replaced with an ominous, themeless tune in a low register. Black and blue static fill the screen. A red face with glowing yellow eyes and teeth like rocks pushes through the screen to address the player directly:

                Avatar! Know that Britannia has entered into a new age of enlightenment. Know that the time has finally come for the one true Lord of Britannia to take his place at the head of his people. Under my guidance, Britannia will flourish, and all the people shall rejoice and pay homage to their new Guardian! Know that you, too, shall knell before me, Avatar. You, too, shall soon acknowledge my authority, for I shall be your companion, your provider, and your master!

             I would note that in contrast to the comically awful narrations at the beginning of both Ultima Underworld and Ultima VII: Part Two, the Guardian’s voice is reasonably well-acted by Arthur DiBianca, who I gather was just a programmer who happened to have a nice bass voice. The voice immediately gives us a paradox because the Guardian looks like an ape, an orc, a monster, yet his voice is clear, his speech intelligent and articulated. Just what kind of foe are we facing? One who knows who we are, who has the ability to push through into our world.

(Incidentally, having never played Ultima VIII or Ultima IX, I still don’t really know the answers to the questions about the Guardian’s origin and motivations. I know it’ll be tough, but I’d appreciate if no one spoils it.)

             As the screen fades, the camera pulls back to show that the player is somehow playing Ultima VII on his computer, with a map of Britannia and a Moonstone sitting beside it. No, it doesn’t make sense. Don’t think about it.           

I can’t not think about it. How is my character playing Ultima VII? Does he have his own character? How far down does it go?

            “It has been a long time since your last visit to Britannia,” the title screen says, two years constituting “a long time” back in those heady days of annual releases. The character picks up his moonstone and heads out to the circle of stones in his back yard–only to find a moongate already there. Without hesitation, he plunges through to the title screen, which features not the triumphant, adventurous introductory music of most RPGs but rather a dark, dreadful march in 2/4 time. Something awful is coming, it says.                 

I’m not sure this ever gets answered.

          Before we get into character creation and the opening moments of the game, let’s diverge to the manual, which is perhaps the most brilliant game manual of all time–a superlative unlikely to ever be broken now that game manuals no longer exist. It manages to educate the player on the basics of Britannia and the past Ultima games while perfectly serving the plot of the current game. It is the only manual that I know that was written by the game’s villain. I realize that’s a bit of a spoiler, but you’d have to be a particularly dense player to not realize that something is at least a little fishy with “Batlin of Britain,” and a veteran player of the Ultima series reads it with an escalating horror.

The manual is called The Book of Fellowship, and it describes the history, geography, and society of Britannia in the context of the growth of a quasi-religious/philosophical order called the Fellowship. Jimmy Maher has a particularly excellent article examining the parallels between the Fellowship and the Church of Scientology. (Garriott had apparently read a 1991 Time magazine exposé of the Church while the game was in its planning phase.) But I also see a lot of the (then-) growing “prosperity gospel” in the Fellowship, and Batlin strikes me as much of a Joel Osteen (although no one at ORIGIN would have been aware of him in 1992) as an L. Ron Hubbard. One particular analogue with prosperity theology (and not Scientology) is the organization’s “layered” approach to scripture. The Fellowship does not reject the Eight Virtues of the Avatar any more than prosperity theology rejects the Bible. It simply adds its own new layer of interpretation (simplification) on top of them, encouraging its followers to hold true to the past without really focusing on it. The emphasis is all on the new material–in the case of the Fellowship, their Triad of Inner Strength.

The manual begins with Batlin of Britain’s introduction of himself. He presents himself with false humility as just a regular man, a fellow “traveller” through life, who has happened to stumble upon a bit of wisdom that he wants to share. Throughout his biography, he brags-without-bragging that he has served in all eight of the classical Ultima roles: Born and raised by druids in Yew, a first career as a fighter in Jhelom, then as a bard in Britain; trained by a mage from Moonglow; serving for a while among a company of paladins in Trinsic and as a tinker in Minoc; and finally spending a sojourn with the rangers of Skara Brae before ending up as a humble shepherd in New Magincia. His series of portraits through these sessions show a square-jawed, hale, charismatic figure, and it’s no surprise when we actually meet him in-game to find a fatter, oilier version than is presented in the official portraits.             

What kind of pretentious jackass divides his own biography into sections called “part the first” and “part the second”?

              During his description of overcoming some wounds in Minoc, Batlin says:               

A healer there told me that without the proper treatments (for which he charged outrageous prices) I would most probably die! I angrily sent him away. After a time I did mend. I had learned that the healing process takes place mostly in one’s mind and have since placed no trust in healers who greedily prey upon the afflicted.

                Here is our first actual contradiction with the world as we’ve come to know it as an Avatar. It manages to parallel Scientology’s rejection of traditional psychology, sure, but also the Christian Science rejection of traditional medicine and perhaps “New Age” medicine in general.

He describes in his history how he met his two co-founders of the Fellowship, Elizabeth and Abraham (the “E.A.” being an intended swipe at Electronic Arts, which would have the last laugh by purchasing ORIGIN the same year), and how his experiences led him to develop the Triad of Inner Strength. If the casual reader is not yet convinced of Batlin’s villainy, it should become apparent in the section where he discusses the “ratification” of the Fellowship by Lord British. Though calling him “wise” and paying him obsequious homage, Batlin manages to paint the king as a capricious, dismissive sovereign, uninterested in the Fellowship until Batlin managed to “prove” himself with a display of confidence that manages to reflect the Fellowship’s own philosophies. The section brilliantly manages to associate Batlin with the king and the king’s favor (for those who still admire the king) while also planting a seed of doubt about Lord British’s fitness to rule.

What he does to the Avatar is less subtle but far more damaging. Batlin knows that if his Fellowship is going to replace the Eight Virtues as Britannia’s predominant theology, and if he himself is going to replace the Avatar as the spiritual figurehead, he must undo the Avatar. But the memory of the Avatar is too popular, his friends too influential, for Batlin to use a direct attack. Thus, he snipes and undermines and saps from all angles while pretending to admire the Avatar himself. “The Fellowship fully supports the Eight Virtues of the Avatar,” he says, but that “it is impossible to perfectly live up to them. Even the Avatar was unable to do so continuously and consistently.” Thus pretending to support the Eight Virtues while rejecting them, he introduces the Fellowship’s Triad of Inner Strength:             

Strive for Unity: Work together to achieve common goals.

Trust Thy Brother: Don’t live your life full of suspicion and doubt.

Worthiness Precedes Reward: Do good for its own sake before expecting compensation.

    Maher’s article points out how these three principles are not only kindergarten-level theology, but how easy it is to twist them towards evil ends. “Work together, don’t question, don’t ask anything in return” could be the motto of a fascist organization as easily as a charitable one.

Most of the slights against the Avatar occur during the second half of the manual, ominously titled “A Reinterpretation of the History of Britannia.” Batlin walks through the events of Ultima I through VI much as the previous game manuals did, but with the occasional anti-Avatar salvo disguised as support. For instance, after describing the events of Ultima II, he says:           

While there have been speculations as to the motivations of the Avatar, there is insufficient evidence to show that the Avatar was driven to violence by jealously over Mondain’s romantic involvement with Minax. That being said, such theories are hereby denounced and should not be given consideration.

            Soon afterwards, he “formally disagrees” with “those who say the Avatar should have handled [the events of Exodus] differently.” He casts aspersions–no, sorry, alludes to other people casting aspersions–on the Avatar’s motives in the Quest of the Avatar. As for Ultima VI: “Those who say that this terrible and destructive war could have been prevented had the Avatar not appropriated the Codex from its true owners are merely dissidents who are grossly misinformed.” Leaving aside the fact that the Avatar wasn’t the one who took the Codex, Batlin commits here the slimy politician’s trick of introducing a slur while simultaneously denying it, thus seeding doubt while trying to remain above it. I’ve learned the hard way to at least try to keep politics out of my blog, but it’s literally impossible not to think of Donald (“many people are saying”) Trump when reviewing this aspect of the Batlin character or indeed the Batlin character as a whole. If I didn’t say it here, someone would have filled in the blank in the comments as they did in the Maher article.

Aside from the undermining of the Eight Virtues, Lord British, and the Avatar, the manual is notable for numerous asides that make the veteran player eager to jump in and start swinging his sword. In his description of his time as a fighter, Batlin talks about “unruly lords wag[ing] war against each other . . . over Lord British’s objections.” Clearly, peace has broken down, but why? We later hear that Skara Brae is for some reason a “desolate ruin” (remind me to come back to another Batlin quote when I actually visit Skara Brae). Lock Lake near the city of Cove has become polluted. The town of Paws is said to be languishing in poverty. Some mysterious figure called the “Sultan of Spektran” has set up his own government on the island previously occupied by Sutek. The gargoyles have their own city, called Terfin, but there’s a suggestion that local mines might be exploiting them for labor. Runic writing has fallen out of favor. There have been recent droughts. And worst of all, magic has been breaking down and its practitioners going insane.

Perhaps the biggest shock is that it has been 200 years since the Avatar last visited Britannia. This is presumably since his last visit in Ultima VI, not Ultima Underworld. The manual makes no acknowledgement at all of the events of Underworld; no mention is made of a colony on the Isle of the Avatar, nor its destruction in a volcanic eruption.

Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatar still has the best quest of the series, in my opinion, but Ultima VII may have the best plot. This isn’t the first time that a CRPG has featured writing and plotting worthy of a novel (I would probably give that award to Starflight), but it’s still rare in the era. I understand that we owe this depth of narrative to lead writer Raymond Benson, who would later go on to take over the James Bond novel series. Benson was a playwright and composer who had previously worked on computer adaptations of Stephen King’s The Mist (1985) and the James Bond games A View to a Kill (1985) and Goldfinger (1985). He was recruited by ORIGIN in 1991 and wrote some dialogue for Martian Dreams before beginning Ultima VII.

Someone like Benson was exactly what ORIGIN needed. The company may have “created worlds,” but they always did so in a way that was both a little sloppy and a little too tidy, with poor respect for their own canon. I have discussed at length my disappointment over the way the game treated the concept of “the Avatar” after Ultima IV. Well, here, in the opening documentation of Ultima VII, we have an in-game character who personifies that lack of respect, who manages to take the confusion over ORIGIN’s retcons–was the Avatar really the same hero who defeated Mondain?–and twist it to his own ends. When I finished the manual in 1999, I was never more eager to leap into a world and start putting things right. I am only slightly less eager now.

Note: To avoid loading transitions and other throwbacks to an earlier age, the developers of Ultima VII changed the way DOS allocates memory. Their solution required players to boot from a special disk. I remember that this created all kinds of problems when I originally tried to play the game in the late 1990s. Also, processors had gotten so much faster that the characters moved at lightning speed, and I had to use a special program called Mo’Slo to slow things down. I don’t think I ever got the sound working properly back then. The emulation era and the folks at GOG sure make this much easier.

source http://reposts.ciathyza.com/game-363-ultima-vii-the-black-gate/

[ids202cmb2324094-blog]

Week 5 PBL Installment

Casey Minarcik

IDS 202

               I’m not sure how I would identify my worldly identity. To be honest, I’m not sure that anyone ever really knows. I know that I have my faith, and the hope that I hold onto during difficult situations. If I were to choose one word to describe my lifestyle, I think I would choose “fearless”. I don’t mean it in the sense that I have no fear because I certainly do, as does everyone else. I have learned through every hardship and loss that life goes on and it is still important to find the beauty in the small things. That is why I particularly liked the first video, “Want To Be Happy? Be Grateful.” The entire lecture talks about how you need to stop and enjoy the moments that you can in life which is something that I happen to be working hard on lately. It was very refreshing to hear it out loud from someone else.

           My main responsibility in life are to be the best person I can be, first and foremost. Sometimes I feel like I could change the world, if I wanted to. I feel like I am put here on this earth, for a reason. I chose graphic design as a major and that is something that I am proud of and excited for, but at the same time, I sometimes feel like I should be doing something bigger and more impactful on other people’s lives rather than just my own. I can’t be the only one who feels like this but it isn’t something that people normally talk about. In the video, “Want To Be Happy? Be Grateful.”, Monk David Steindl-Rast says,

“But I didn't say we can be grateful for everything. I said we can be grateful in every given moment for the opportunity, and even when we are confronted with something that is terribly difficult, we can rise to this occasion and respond to the opportunity that is given to us. It isn't as bad as it might seem. Actually, when you look at it and experience it, you find that most of the time, what is given to us is the opportunity to enjoy, and we only miss it because we are rushing through life and we are not stopping to see the opportunity.”  (1)

That sort of lesson is something that I have been practicing for a few years now and I believe it whole heartedly. Even in the darkest of times, you can find light if you really take the time to slow down and look for it.

           In Chapter 31 (XXXI) it says, “Above all things, let him be humble; and if he hath not the things to give, let him answer with a kind word, because it is written: ‘A good word is above the best gift’" (2). I am a care taker by nature. I am the type of person who never wants anyone to feel left out and never wants anyone’s feelings to be hurt. I will always be the person who wears herself thin trying to make sure that everyone else is happy and unfortunately that ends up leaving me stressed and unhappy. When I was about 13 years old, my parents split up which would lead to their divorce. During that time, I took on the role, or at least I’d felt like I had, as the Band-Aid that held everything together. So I understand what it means to be the person entrusted with something for the good of others. I held onto the strength everyone else needed.

           There are a lot of things in my life that I am grateful for. I am grateful for my health, my family, my boyfriend of 4 years, a wonderful job that has flexibility around my school and personal schedule, as well as the loyalty of real friends that I have made over the last few years. Bad things happen to good people all of the time and that’s something that can be hard to understand which is why I’ve learned to be grateful for the small things. It keeps me mindful and focused on the things that really matter in life. The TED Talks videos mainly focus on gratefulness and religious extremism. The “Love of Christ and Neighbor” and “Prayer” focus more on, and it’s sort of self-explanatory, love and prayer. Ultimately, the thing that I think they most have in common is the fact that there is something to believe in, whether that may be a belief in religion, love, prayer, or hope. All of those things are important because if you have something to hold onto and believe in, you can feel gratitude and you can be happy because that’s what we all want, isn’t it?

           I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and after watching the first video about Urie Bronfenbrenner’s Ecological Perspective, I realized that my belief might be more true than not. According to Bronfenbrenner’s theory, the beginning stages of your life are reflected upon by your memories and interactions with certain people. The first stage is called the Microsystem, and all of the other systems stem from it. The Microsystem is filled with specific types of interactions within the first few years of your life; i.e. family, health services, school/daycare, neighborhood play area, peers, and religious institutions. In the first video we were instructed to watch, Urie Bronfenbrenner & Ecological Systems Theory (3), it explains that in the Microsystem, a “child forms social relationships, takes part in activities that build cognitive or physical skills, experiences personal successes and failures, and is socialized first-hand through personal experience”.

           Now, the second layer, according to Bronfenbrenner, is called the Mesosystem. In the first video, (3), it perfectly describes this system by stating, “the relationships of the Mesosytem can be conceptualized as forming a web around the child, with the strength of the web being represented by the degree to which the different Microsystems communicate and work together in the child’s interests”. So, to better explain it, the Mesosytem is filled with particular situations and interactions and these occur because of the interactions from the first system, which was the Microsystem. In the second video, Bronfenbrenner’s Theory (4), it gives a good example which makes it easier to understand. It says, “if there’s trouble with interactions in one microsystem, this can affect others. An example would be if an individual has troubles with their family life, they might also have trouble with other authority figures”. In my opinion, this explanation made it easier to understand given the fact that I had a hard time comprehending this theory.

           I believe there are many relationships that kids make during their micro and mesosystems. I can’t remember many friends I had at a super young age. I had some friends in preschool that I remember but none that I can say really made much of an impact on me. Of course, my family was the most important and had the greatest impact on me; my parents, sister, cousins and grandparents. My teacher in 3rd grade ended up being a big influence in my life. We ended up staying in touch and she eventually became like an aunt to me. It wasn’t until middle school and high school that I’d say I learned more about friendship. I became friends with a girl named Anne in 4th grade and to this day, we are still friends. We may not talk all of the time but at the end of the day there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her.

           When I started high school, I became friends with a group that’s known each other since kindergarten. To say that I felt like I had a hard time fitting in is an understatement. One of the biggest lessons I’ve ever had to learn was because of this specific group of people. They treated me badly, badly enough that I left high school having no one. They were malicious, judgmental, and devious. The thing that I had to learn, that I still sometimes struggle with, is how to accept an apology that I never got. That is something that a lot of people have to come to grips with at some point in their lives and it’s a very important learning experience.

           I believe that my experience have lead to the maturity level that I have reached. There is a level of emotional intelligence that everyone must reach. In the reading, The Five Components of Emotional Intelligence (5) by Daniel Goleman, he explains the five different requirements for “emotional intelligence”. Those five components consist of: self-awareness, self-regulation, internal motivation, empathy, and social skills. Each of these terms are pretty self-explanatory. You need to have a strong and stable emotional core in order to successfully gain a level of emotional intelligence. I believe that at the end of the day, each and every one of us will get where we need to be.            According to Chapter IV of The Rule of St. Benedict (6), there are 72 “instruments of good works”. I will not list all of them because that would be too much to type and too much to read. As a summary, I can tell you that all of the instruments have the same concept. They range from “to help in trouble” to “to hate no one”, giving them all the idea of religious humility and consideration. I believe that this specific chapter has one specific connection to the one Hallmark - Stability (7). Stability has been a common theme throughout all of these videos and readings. Emotional stability, being the main concept.

The first thing that comes to mind when I think about the word “psychology” is AP Psychology, which is a class that I took back when I was in high school. I remember hours of studying and constantly making note cards for the hundreds of terms we were required to remember. One thing that I have never heard of before is “positive psychology”. Positive psychology, according to Christopher Petersen Ph.D. (8),

“Positive psychology is the scientific study of what makes life most worth living. It is a call for psychological science and practice to be as concerned with strength as with weakness; as interested in building the best things in life as in repairing the worst; and as concerned with making the lives of normal people fulfilling as with healing pathology”.

Upon doing some reading on the topic, I’ve learned a bit about positive psychology. I have learned that it is something that is not talked about often and therefor people are usually pretty uneducated on the topic. After reading Petersen’s article on the highs and lows of positive psychology, I moved on to the TED Talks Video, The New Era of Positive Psychology by Martin Seligman, and his ideas were pretty similar to Petersen’s. There is one thing that I really liked about his lecture. It really made it easier to understand. He says,

“I've spent my life working on extremely miserable people, and I've asked the question: How do extremely miserable people differ from the rest of you? And starting about six years ago, we asked about extremely happy people. How do they differ from the rest of us? It turns out there's one way, very surprising -- they're not more religious, they're not in better shape, they don't have more money, they're not better looking, they don't have more good events and fewer bad events. The one way in which they differ: they're extremely social”. (9)

There is so much to learn from just those few sentences. The people that are miserable, you would think they have all of these issues and are so much more different than those who are not. Although, according to these studies and interviews, the only difference between the people who are miserable and the people who aren’t is that the people who are not are more sociable. If you ever have a bad day, but you spend only 10 minutes or so talking to someone and acting happy, generally it’ll put you in a better mood. At least that’s what I associate it with.

           I think my workplace thought process is definitely more strength-based rather than problem based. I’ve worked at quite a few different places where coworkers or customers are not nice to you and I think I have grown because of that. The first job I ever had was at a family-owned UPS store across the street from my house. I was there for about a year and a half before I finally put in my two week notice. The family who owned it seemed to be the type to think that they were better than everyone else and that’s not the way I choose to be. They would talk meanly behind my back, yell at me in front of customers if I made a mistake, and would constantly embarrass me to the extent that I would call my parents crying. It took me a long time to work up the courage to finally let them know I was leaving and I believe that affected my attitude moving forward.

           About a year and a half ago, I was working at another place that was almost as bad as my job at UPS. I was working at Sullivan’s Steakhouse in Downtown Naperville after my friend got me a job. I was there for just over two years. When I first started, everyone seemed really nice and personable and I really felt like I was appreciated and respected. Unfortunately, after about a year in, I started to see the true colors of a lot of people; some people I considered friends. I was made fun of, disrespected, and treated as if I were completely incompetent when I felt that I had worked harder than anyone else there. I used to cry before going into work because I knew it would be five or six hours of what I felt to be torture. I took the abuse for another year until we had a new manager come in. He was a terrible person who I believe wanted to do nothing but boss people around and make people feel badly about themselves. I only lasted a month into his management before one night when I was blamed for another coworker’s wrong-doing, I finished up my shift that evening and walked back into the office afterwards and quit. It took a very long time for me to quit Sullivan’s although I had wanted to for a very long time. I am naturally a very anxious person and I felt like I would some how get in trouble if I quit or put in my notice. But that night, it was the last straw. I truly could not take the stress and anxiety anymore. It had become a toxic environment and it was a place I could no longer work at.

           Because of how I was treated at those two jobs, I truly believe that it made me a stronger worker and I know how to be treated properly and at the end of the day, you do not need to put up with people treating you with disrespect. I definitely have more of a strength-based attitude. I believe this is a good transition into the TED Talks: “Why the Only Future Worth Building Includes Everyone," by His Holiness Pope Francis. This video lecture summarized is a perfect example of how you should treat people.

           In the video, he tells a story about a good samaritan. It is about a man who was robbed and beaten and left for dead on the side of the road. There was a priest and a Levite walking by and instead of helping the helpless man, they just kept walking. Not long after, a gentleman who is of ethnic background that was despised at the time, walked up and stopped to help the man. He cleaned him up and brought him to a brothel and paid to have the man taken care of. Pope Francis says, “The story of the Good Samaritan is the story of today’s humanity. People's paths are riddled with suffering, as everything is centered around money, and things, instead of people. And often there is this habit, by people who call themselves "respectable," of not taking care of the others, thus leaving behind thousands of human beings, or entire populations, on the side of the road. Fortunately, there are also those who are creating a new world by taking care of the other, even out of their own pockets. Mother Teresa actually said: ‘One cannot love, unless it is at their own expense’”. (10) I believe this one hundred percent. People nowadays will act kind to your face but when you are in need of help and reach out your hand, they’ll pretend they never saw it. It really is a shame nowadays how people seem to only care about themselves. If everyone cared about everyone, the world would truly be a much different, safer, and better place. I’ve had my share of mean friends and fake friends and because of it, I believe I have become a much stronger person and I know I will never be like those people.

           Based off of the Humility and Hospitality hallmarks, I think it is pretty self explanatory what those are going to be about. Humility is most likely my favorite thing to talk about. My favorite people are the ones who are most humble. That for me is a quality that I immediately look for. There is nothing worse, in my opinion, than someone who is cocky and self absorbed. Save that for someone else, am I right?! I truly believe everything we were required to read and watch for this weeks assignments all centered around the idea of humility - being there for others, not putting yourself first. Those are traits that I think are amazing and I hope to find in more people.

           For the first part of this assignment, we were asked to integrate the Hallmark of Community and Stewardship into becoming more involved in world-wide problems and after reading through the list of macro system phenomena, I would say that becoming involved is rather easy. In order to integrate these world-wide problems into a Hallmark of community, I as well as others around me need to simply care about these topics. We need to recognize them as true problems and not just believe them to be myths. From what I have heard and seen of other people around me is that many of us simply ignore these problems and expect them to just go away without our own input. For our community, the world, we need to start recognizing these phenomena for what they are. When it comes to actually doing something to make a problem better, there are some that are easier to do than others. But it is actually taking action against these global problems that helps us integrate the Hallmark of Stewardship into our lives.  The United States has a ban on CFC’s (Chlorofluorocarbon gases) due to their effect on the ozone layer (11). By making sure that we follow rules that are set in place to help with world-wide problems like the depletion of the ozone layer, we are integrating the Hallmark of Stewardship.

After looking through the list of the United Nations Sustainable Development goals, I would say that the goal of spreading science is the most meaningful. I believe that through the spread of science and technology that the world will be able to come together to fix problems a bit more easily and more efficiently. Through the spread of science, there are more minds that are potentially being untapped. When more minds get together, there will be better odds in solving the problems that we face as the population of Earth. Through the spread of science, we are able to tackle more Macro and Micro system problems, from the ozone layer thinning to weeding out certain disease from areas that did not have any technology. By making science more readily available for countries that normally wouldn’t be able to obtain it, we as the human race will only thrive.

The Appreciative Inquiry system can be used in basically anything in life where a team-like structure would help to achieve a goal in the most efficient way. This system will work because of its steps. First, by showing people why a certain problem will affect them, they will begin to care and have an interest in the problem. Once people care, they will want to help fix the problem, this desire to help will only increase as they are shown that there are others that are suffering as well. As this process goes on, you will form a team of people who want to fix these problems that we read about. Through this system we are able to go from a group of individuals, to a team. This can be used in the workplace, in a home setting, or in a real-world problem setting like some of the articles that were presented to us in this reading.

I felt that a lot of the Benedictine Hallmarks were somewhat relatable to every one of us. We all have personal opinions and have encountered certain situations where each one of the Hallmarks has a certain reflection on ourselves. The two that I liked the most were Humility and Community. Anyone who know me, knows how much I am attracted to humility. I see it in my boyfriend all of the time and that’s one of the things that caused me to fall in love with him. I look for it in my friends, family, coworkers, and peers. In my opinion there is nothing more powerful or honorable than someone who is humble. It is such a simple and small character trait but it has such a big and overwhelmingly positive response.

           The thing I liked about the Community Hallmark is the idea of togetherness. It’s easy to feel like you are alone at times. If you are going through something personally and you feel like there is no one you can talk to who would understand, you can tend to feel pretty lonely. I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all been there at some point in our lives. But when I think of a community, I envision a large group of people who supports each other and are there for each other, especially during difficult times. There is no better feeling than knowing someone, or maybe multiple people are there for you when you need them the most. It feels like all of the weight that has been placed on your shoulders can be lifted off and carried by others.

           Religion is a touchy topic for many but it’s always been pretty straight forward in my case. I grew up Catholic and still am to this day. I went to Catholic school from kindergarten all the way to eighth grade. I learned a lot in my time at that school but, unfortunately I can’t say that any of that information followed me after I’d graduated. I don’t know if there are any spiritual practices that I will implement after having been a part of this class. I pray at least every day, or whenever I feel that I need some sort of guidance. But other than that, that’s really as far as my own religion goes. I’m not the type of person to go to church. I have a hard time sitting through class for an hour and a half let alone a prayer service that lasts an hour and a half. I admire the people who do go to church. I think that’s wonderful but it’s just not for me and I’ve learned that that’s okay.

           I have a lot of important people in my life right now. I have my mom, my dad, my step-dad, my sister, my boyfriend, and a handful of good friends. I am not sure how I am looked at by these people right now but I hope it’s in a positive light. If I had to pick one word that I would want my family and friends to think of when they think of me, it’d be “brave”. My name, Casey, actually means brave. I have been through quite a bit in my short (almost) 24 years. But, despite all of the hardships, I’ve come out stronger than ever. Each and every day I can feel myself get stronger and more fearless.

           I struggle with anxiety and I have it pretty badly. I have been on medication since I was 7 years old and am still on it today. I also have a bit of a panic disorder which can be unsettling sometimes because I never know when it is going to flare up and when it does, all I can say is it quite honestly feels like I’m having a heart attack. It can be very scary but one thing I have learned is that I cannot let that define me. I cant be afraid of everything because I do not know when I am going to have a panic attack. Because of all that I have read about and taught myself, I have made incredible steps forward on not being anxious. I go places even though I know I probably will be anxious because I do not let it control me anymore. I face my fears head on and keep walking forward. And anyone with mental health issues will agree with me, nothing is more draining or defeating than trying to overcome something that is all made up and in your head in the first place. That’s why I like to think I am brave.

           Aside from being brave, if there’s one other word that I am, it’s “late”. I tend to be late for everything which can be really frustrating because I try very hard not to be. I have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and it can get me in trouble at times. If I am getting ready for work, I might stop and start thinking about something or do something and realize I just wasted 10 minutes. That is also something that I have been on medication for since I was young but I stopped taking the medicine a few years back.

           One thing that really bothers me is the fact that I am almost always late for work. Back at my old job at Sullivan’s Steakhouse, I was never late. Ever. If you were, you would be written up. But now that I am working at Stonebridge Country Club, it is much lower-maintenance and things tend to be overlooked. Because of that, and the fact that I live a short vacation away, I tend to be about five minutes late for every shift. I can honestly say that I try very hard not to be but I always end up leaving the house later than I’d like because I usually need to give myself some extra time knowing that there will be traffic. I am going to continue to work on this, as simple as it may seem, because clearly I am still doing something wrong. But if there were one thing I would want to change about my work environment identity, that would be it. I don’t want to be known as “the girl who is always late”.

           Although, there is one thing that I am always known as and it’s “the girl who cares too much”. I care way too much about people, including people I have no relation to whatsoever. I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings in any way and that generally ends in me being miserable because I don’t want anyone else to be.  A perfect example would be Christmas. Over the holidays, I normally spend Christmas Eve with my dad and his side of the family and Christmas morning with my mom and her side of the family. But, my boyfriend and I have been together for four years now and both him and his family factor into the Christmas plans too. So, I plan everything out to make sure that I can spend the exact same amount of time with each family: my dad’s, my mom’s, and my boyfriend’s. But, not everyone likes the time slot they are given and it usually ends up blowing up in my face even though I am stretching myself thin to make sure no one feels left out. I am the type of person, that has a hard time even correcting someone because I don’t want them to believe that I think they are stupid in any way. I am a very emotional person and because of that, I often tend to put myself into other people’s shoes. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. It’s good because I am understanding and I am able to see someone else’s point of view if I am in the middle of a disagreement. But, it’s a downfall because I get too emotionally invested into things that I don’t need to be. That is how all of my family and friends see me. They know how much I care about other people and it’s important to me that they do.

           I don’t really like to talk about myself and I know I don’t have enough that would cover an entire page. But if I were to give you a better idea of who I am as a person, I can do that. I am a strong person. I have been through a lot. I had an eating disorder due to anxiety at a young age and overcame that after a long time. Not long after that, my parents got divorced, leaving me to feel like I needed to take over as the care-giver in the house. I feel like I grew up quicker than I was supposed to. After I started high school, I was bullied, constantly. When I was a sophomore in high school, I was sexually abused. I was locked in a car with a guy and he forced me to do things that I didn’t want to do. I was afraid to protest because he was popular and I was always more of the quiet one. About a year later, I had my first real boyfriend, let’s call him X, and I thought I was in love with him. We were together for 8 months and then on and off again for the next two years. In that time, he repeatedly cheated on me, a few times with two of my best friends.

           Senior year came around and all I could think about was how excited I was for prom. But when prom time rolled around, I had no one to go with. No date and no friends. I was in cheerleading all four years of high school and my group of friends were mainly cheerleaders and girls on the dance team. One of them spread a malicious and untrue rumor about me out of nowhere, and I lost all of my friends. I asked nine different guys to prom and every single one of them said no. One of the girls in my group of friends, was dating X’s twin brother, so I had to watch the two of them together at prom with my entire group of friends that I was invited to be a part of. Not long after that I started to self harm. I was so hurt and was drowning in my sadness and I didn’t know what else to do. I told no one about it because I had only two friends and it wasn’t something I wanted to open up to my family about. This continued for about six months until I finally opened up about it to my mom. I can proudly say I have not cut in five years.

           At the very end of my senior year, I found out that my dad was an alcoholic. I had to find out the hard way by breaking into his house to find him drunk and passed out on the floor. It was my sisters 16th birthday and I had to spend it driving my dad to my grandma’s house so that she could watch him. I couldn't tell my sister about my dad because I didn’t want to scare her so I had to make up some sort of poor excuse for why I missed her birthday party. Of course, she was mad at me but that was better than her finding out. For the next two years, I spent every waking moment worrying about my dad. I would not go out on weekends so that he wouldn’t be home alone. I would make sure he was going to work, taking his medicine, making sure he was sober and cleaning up after him when he relapsed. I was the only one who was there for him which put a huge weight on my shoulders.

           In October of 2013, my dad relapsed for the last time. I hadn’t heard from him in days and when I finally did, he was slurring. My current boyfriend and I drove over to his house and I’d asked him to stay in the car because I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable and I didn’t want to embarrass my dad. It was bad. And after I’d left, the next day I got very sick and it lasted for about two weeks. It’s almost funny to me to rethink about everything that has happened in those few years. It felt like everything was all happening at once and sometimes I don’t know how I even made it out of that. But I did, and I do get anxious from time to time but other than that, I am a happy, healthy, and strong young woman and I am proud of who I am today.

         Works Cited

1.) TED Talks, Want to be Happy? Be Grateful, Benedictine Monk David Steindl-Rast

 2.) The Rule of St. Benedict, Chapter XXXI, The Kind of Man the Cellarer of the Monastery Ought to Be

 3.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01BnvOrEDPM

 4.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=me7103oIE-g

 5.) https://web.sonoma.edu/users/s/swijtink/teaching/philosophy_101/paper1/goleman.htm

 6.) https://www.ben.edu/center-for-mission-and-identity/resources/rule-of-st-benedict.cfm#ch4

 7.) https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7CXeVxdG70sRkttNGxOM1RuV0E/view

 8.) https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-good-life/200805/what-is-positive-psychology-and-what-is-it-not

 9.) https://www.ted.com/talks/martin_seligman_on_the_state_of_psychology/transcript?language=en

 10.) https://ben.desire2learn.com/d2l/le/content/317254/viewContent/1484261/View?ou=317254

 11.) Peterson, L. (2016, July 14). Hole in the Earth's ozone layer Is finally closing up, NASA says. Retrieved August 23, 2017, from https://www.aol.com/article/2015/05/15/hole-in-the-earths-ozone-layer-is-finally-closing-up-nasa-says/21183880/

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" 13 Reasons" Netflix Collection.

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