#this man is the embodiment of ''dad said no cats but we got one anyway and now they're inseparable''

[vladdyissues]

[sepublic]

Escaping Expulsion!

           LUMITY! LUMITY DEVELOPMENT! LUZ REALIZING HER CRUSH!!!!

           Amity calling her MY Luz… Amity and Luz back-to-back! Playing tricks together that’s so ADORABLE!

           There’s so much to this episode, I… I…!

           Gus! His growth spurt will take a lot getting used to, it’s like watching your favorite kids grow up… At this point he may as well go back to Augustus! And Perry, I love seeing more of him!

           WILLOW’S DADS! They’re GOOD parents I tell you, they talk a lot about grounding or whatever, but then IMMEDIATELY drop their jobs for Willow’s sake!? To home-school her, to have fun! GOOD PARENTS! And the Glasses Dad, he’s a really chill dude, sees Willow going behind the back and is like “I won’t tell!” Nice. VERY nice…!

           BUMP! Not only do we get confirmation that he’s in the Abomination Coven, BUT HE’S A SWEETIE! He’s an utter sweetheart! This really all adds to my headcanon that he felt bad about what happened with Eda, and I bet he was being reminded a LOT of that when he had to get rid of Luz, Willow, and Gus… At least with Eda she more or less left of her own volition, but these kids WANT to come back! I love this principal and his layers… Also Frewin’s tail moving?

           I agree with Alador, and I find it hilarious that he doesn’t seem to understand Frewin that much either… Or he does but he’s still curious! Al IS interesting like Odalia said… Not exactly a good parent, but he is a man of his word! Also WOW he looks like an utter mess, nothing like the prim and proper noble we all expected! I guess Alador from Amity’s flashback was in dress clothes for Amity’s birthday and all that… But yeah he IS fascinating as Dana said! I guess he is the inventor as some people suspected…

           His whole demeanor matches his brief depiction in YBOS pretty well; Looking like he’s mostly just kind of THERE, just kind of chilling for the ride. Has his head in the clouds and focuses on the inventions, on the technical know-how, on carrying out the orders and seeing them through, while Odalia is the leader who instructs things- Just as we suspected! I can already see the neurodivergent Alador headcanons… If Amity is autistic, does she get it from him?

           ODALIA… Ugh. I mean, she’s about as rancid as we all expected, but it’s interesting that she DOES listen to Alador, so there is still that respect there! But JEEZ, she’s an attempted child murderer?! Goes back on her word!? I have to wonder if Alador was the original Blight actually, and Odalia was the one who married in; That, or Alador just has actual integrity and acts as like… The second voice who helps rein in Odalia and remind her of things every now and then. Interesting… But yeah, I loathe her!

           Of course, back to Al- He may not necessarily be so great himself. He does seem to prefer the easy path, the path of least resistance; He adapts to Amity standing up to him and Odalia by instead considering how she could replace the current Abomination Head one day… Which makes sense, that’s HIS expertise, and daughter takes after father! And Odalia really is an Oracle as we thought… Oracle magic for spying, makes sense, but that necklace…

           UGH… Remember when we all liked that necklace! How we thought it was SO CUTE? How Amity wore it at first in Adventures in the Elements… But then she rarely wore her casual outfit? WELL NOW WE KNOW… Here’s hoping the intro changes to remove the necklace, but WOW I was genuinely feeling sick in my stomach when I saw that!

           And Odalia and Alador are even WORSE, because they’re literally arms-manufacturers! Do I even need to explain why that’s awful? But I’m really having a lot of fun with the idea of Abominations as robotics; I’d considered the idea of Abominations melding with Automatons, and the show just confirms and validates that! I love this show… I have to wonder if we’ll see Amity and the Abomination Head interact more? And I like how Abominations is basically shape-shifting and form-changing, but applied to a magical goop that Abomination Witches can control…

           Belos and the Golden Guard! More worldbuilding- Of course Belos is monopolizing and taking things into his own control, he’s expanding his influence! And of course, as Golden Guard pointed out- Not only does he want soldiers –glad we’ll see more of these Abomination things in practice- but also… He doesn’t want anyone raising a private army against him; Which again fits with how Belos operates! 

          But the way Odalia and Alador look at one another… WERE they intending to raise a private army? Or were they always open to selling out to the highest bidder- With their desire to install Amity as the new Abomination Head, we might see them ally with a rebellion, but for their OWN purposes… With how their audience and customer base was cloaked, they may have been unknowingly selling to people with a vested interest and stake in taking down Belos!

           EDA AND LILITH! This show once again confirms my read on glyphs; Not containing magic, but more commanding the magic around them! Lilith is SO smart, figuring out how it works… And YES, I love delving into the mechanics! How glyphs are about COMMUNICATION with the Isles, that calls back to Adventures in the Elements! I wonder then if Belos can communicate with the isles too, possibly through glyphs…

           But we get more insight into their dynamic! Eda was always that talented kid, so she could always breeze the basics and get right into experimentation! It was good for critical thinking, but as we see, she can be really hyperactive and impatient… And of course, this frustrates Lilith, who is very stoic and rule-bound! God she was adorable this episode, how she clearly wants validation… She really is the embodiment of “My child is fine!” “Your child was a pleasure to have in class.” Couldn’t get validation from Gwen, so Lilith went to teachers…

           AND JEEZ, no wonder Belos’ approval meant so much to her! Maybe like Marcy and Andrias from Amphibia, Lilith kind of latched onto Belos as a potential found family figure for her… But as we know, she still had her own desires and wants because she IS a person and not a mindless drone.

           BUT YES, I love the show delving into how Lilith and Eda work as different people! Lilith is by-the-book, and Eda recognizing that Lilith’s methods have value, because Eda is really out of her own element here. I love seeing Eda experiment with glyphs, just the way they experiment with glyphs- I’m glad it’s not just Luz! Also it’s interesting… The show seems to imply that there really are only four glyphs in existence; Light, Ice, Fire, and Plant! That’s a shame because I’d have liked to see more glyphs in the future, just a few more…

           BUT YEAH, this hearkens back to that shot of Luz combining Glyphs in the trailer, and I’ve always hoped that mashing Glyphs can unlock more complex spells! I love this kind of worldbuilding where basic elements are combined in certain ways to yield more specific things, it’s making my worldbuilding brain buzz happily! And I love Luz just freely giving out stars… Lilith is SUCH an Elsa, and her friendship with Hooty is adorable! And here’s hoping that Eda uses that messed-up spell anyway, against enemies…

           Overall this was an AMAZING EPISODE, so strong! Luz isn’t dense, like Alador she’s just distracted… Oh dang, maybe my Luz and Alador parallels idea wasn’t so far off? BUT YES this show promises and delivers through on these characters! I do wish we got to see more of Willow’s thought process about Odalia and Alador interrupting her life again, but with how the episode is already jam-packed with glyph lore AND Luz’s own thing, and I can see why they had to leave it out- 

          But give her some more spotlight, please! I wouldn’t be surprised if some things had to be cut out thanks to Disney downsizing the show… Also again, it’s interesting that based on what this episode implied; The Plant Coven is the ONLY Coven to have such a close basis in nature. If there are only four glyphs in nature, theoretically there should only be four main covens…

           Belos, your system is beginning to look even MORE sketchy now! And dang, the revelations, the lore, the reveals… Not much of Emira and Edric alas, but what we got was short and sweet, and I love how they felt the need to be nice but also sneak in a prank, but Amity just sees them! And also CAT ABOMINATION, the fanart came through! 

          And Amity just immediately recognizing her girlfriend’s work to figure out Luz was there, I love it so much! Overall, an AMAZING episode that blew my expectations out of the water! Now after this we have Echoes of the Past, which promises even MORE in regards to King! I love that these characters are getting a lot of focus now.

           Also it just occurred to me, but yeah- Edric’s occasional air-headed moments, Emira being a bit more bossy and strict… As we all speculated, they get it from their respective parents!

           (Also Hop Pop cameo I see you TOH crew.)

[ushijimas-koibito]

request no.3

kuroo, daichi, and ushijima with a s/o who's super clingy and affectionate and basically screams pastel, and then one day they get invited to a really fancy ball or something and s/o's basically the embodiment of "boss b**ch by doja cat" ??? - @why-am-i-here-please-help-me

i was so excited to see this. this is fantastic.

i’ll do my best.

this was my first time taking on a request of this size. i'm sorry it has taken so long. i apologize for any and all tense continuity errors.

please enjoy.

warnings: femme reader/fluff/suggestive content/some cursing

daichi sawamura- summer

the warm midday sun shone on your face. you closed your eyes and leaned your head back and your hair cascaded over your exposed shoulders and down your back tickling your skin. a warm breeze enveloped your skin and you smiled to yourself, enjoying this last summer day. your phone buzzes in your pocket, be there soon, beautiful. practice ran late. your boyfriend, daichi sawamura, was usually pretty punctual but this was the last morning practice of the summer. you could just imagine hinata and kageyama begging for five, ten, fifteen more minutes. you were impressed with their devotion and the team’s stamina.

you sat crosslegged on the low stone wall. you leaned back to soak up the sun. on the wind you could smell the scent of street food wafting toward you. you and daichi decided it might be fun to go to the outdoor market and then have a picnic in the park. you tilted your head to each side stretching your neck and leaning your hands back on the wall. you were so happy to have a relaxing summer day before the chaos of the fall begins. “hello there, beautiful.” you hear daichi’s warm voice ring out as he approaches you, sugawara and asahi in tow. “hey handsome!” he jogs up to you and you lean forward to give him a kiss. he brushes your wind-tousled hair away from your face and his hand drops to your waist to pull you forward. you giggle as he smiles against your lips. “you guys are so cute.” you hear suga say and you pull away to smile at your friends. daichi sighs, hating that the kiss ended so quickly, and pulls back.

daichi offers a hand to help you from the wall. “aw, thanks, suga!” daichi continues to hold your hand, “are you guys coming along with us?” you look between suga and asahi as daichi drapes his arm over your shoulders and kisses your temple. “ah, not this time,” asahi says looking away with a faint blush, “wouldn’t wanna impose..” sugawara laughs, “besides we’re just here to grab some things for tonight.” you look at daichi and then back to sugawara, “tonight? what’s tonight?” sugawara narrows his eyes at daichi, “you didn’t tell her?” daichi sighs, “ukai rented this place out for us tonight for an end of summer party.” he looks down and then up at you, “would you be interested in going?” you wrap your arm around his waist and smile, “sure! sounds fun!” sugawara smiles at you both, “see. i told you she’d want to come.” daichi chuckles, “i’m sorry i didn’t ask you before, but there won’t be many other girls there and i didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable.” you gave him a squeeze, “i got you.. is kiyoko going?” daichi nodded, “i think so, yachi too.” you look to the other guys, “are you guys going?” asahi and suga both nod, “then it should be fun!” daichi beams and gives you another kiss on the head. sugawara gives asahi’s shirt a tug and starts to walk off, “well, you kids enjoy your date and we will see you tonight!” you and daichi wave as asahi and sugawara walk toward the market. “see ya tonight!” he calls after them.

you turn to face daichi and he smiles sheepishly, “alright, what’s the real reason you didn’t ask me?” daichi laughs, “you just can’t be fooled can you,” he looks down at his feet before taking a big breath and saying, “it’s a dance party.” you cross your arms, “ok. and..?” he leans against the wall and pulls you closer to him to stand between his legs, “… and do you know how jealous i would be if you were the only girl there to dance with the whole team?” you laugh and place a hand on his chest, “daichi, come on, you know you’re the only one i wanna dance with and not one of those boys would be interested in dancing with me anyway,” he rolls his eyes, “now you know that’s not true,” he takes your hand and spins you around, “just look at you!” he pulls you close by the loops of your jean shorts and kisses your lips. he curls his middle finger through the loops on your hips and squeezes your hips between his palms, digging his fingertips into you. “daichi..” you say softly and turn your head to look around, he drops his head and chuckles, “sorry,” he says turning to look in the opposite direction, “what can i say, angel,” he looks up at you, “you carry me away.” you kiss his his forehead and then pull him up from the stone wall he was leaning against. “lead the way, i’m going to text the girls and see what we’re wearing,” daichi grabs your other hand and leads you toward the market as you type to the group chat:

perfect. you think as you piece the outfit together in your mind. daichi looks back at you, “uh oh…” he gives your hand a little squeeze, “whenever you get that look, it usually means i’m in trouble.” he raises an eyebrow. “i don’t know what you mean,” you say innocently. he laughs heartily and nudges you with his shoulder, “riiiight.”

you two walked through the market and gathered up some fruit, veggies, street snacks, and pastries for a picnic. you walked up to a flower stall and sniffed some huge blossoms. “aren’t these pretty, daichi?” he looked you over and his eyes lingered on your face, “beautiful.” he said softly, watching you with admiration. “we’ll take a bouquet, please.” he said to the stall keeper and gestured toward the flowers you were smelling. “aw, daichi, you don’t have to..” he waved his hand, “it’s my pleasure.” the shopkeeper wrapped a bouquet of big orange and red blooms into some newspaper, arranging them with other flowers and greenery, and tied it with twine. daichi paid for them and then handed them to you, “beautiful flowers for my beautiful girl.” he always knew exactly what to do and say to make you smile. “thank you, daichi.” he intertwined his fingers with yours, “of course.”

you two walk together with your haul of treats to the park and spread out a blanket near a tree. you set up the meal and take turns trying each others food and feeding each other. by the end of the meal you end up sprawling out next to each other on the blanket picking out shapes in the clouds, “i swear, (y/n), it looks like an elephant,” daichi points at a big fluffy cloud over head, “ok.. more like an animal cracker version of an elephant but an elephant nonetheless.” you giggle and roll on to your side. you prop yourself up on your elbow and take one of the blooms from your bouquet that loosed itself to trace the curves of daichi’s face. he smiles and closes his eyes, tilting his face toward the sun and allowing his hand to absentmindedly mimic your patterns with his fingertips against your thigh.

you watched as the petals delicately brushed his face. his high cheekbones, the delicate slope of his nose, the short, straight lines of his jaw; the soft and slightly tanned skin, his full pink lips.. daichi was sort of beautiful. he wasn’t an imposing beauty like a statue or a demigod, but he was beautiful in a homey sort of way. daichi was the physical embodiment of a feeling. he was honey in your tea, being taken care of when you’re sick, a homemade meal, the feeling of falling into bed after a long day, walking into an air-conditioned room when it’s sweltering outside, drinking ice cold water after working out, hot water on cold skin. daichi was stable, nurturing, and… good. he was the closest thing to pure good you’d ever known in this world. you were lucky to know him, let alone have the pleasure of loving him.

he opened his eyes and looked at you for a long moment, “i can’t tell you how many times i wished this day would last forever,” he rolled on his side and propped himself up on his arm and scooted so that he was nose to nose with you, “but then i remember there are so many days ahead of us, new things, days like today, and better, or worse, but i get them all, and i get them all with you.” he kissed the tip of your nose and played with the frayed cuffs of your jean shorts, “well, i must be the luckiest guy in the world.” he leans over and playfully pushes you back so that he’s hovering over you. there could be a million people staring at you in that park, but you wouldn’t notice. the whole world that existed in that moment lived in the 5 centimeters between your lips.

after some playful kisses, you cleaned up your mess and started the trek home. the sun was hanging low in the sky and you could hear the cicadas sing. every day was a good day with daichi, but this day made you feel so soft and warm. you were reminded of the simple joy of being in love and you felt full and content. you found yourself getting more and more excited for the party. and a dance party no less. the more the sun sank heavy in the sky and the day faded into a hot summer night, the closer you were to being able to let loose and get a little wild with the man of your dreams.

you and daichi were seen as the responsible, mom and dad type couple in your friend group. the team would be more likely to ask you to help with homework or build a budget before asking you to party. it was probably better that the kids didn’t know what went on behind closed doors. they all look up to daichi and see him as the reserved and respectable face of kurasano, but you knew a different side to him; a side you were looking forward to partying with tonight. it was the last night of summer, it was a night the entire team agreed to just let loose and have fun.

you rounded the corner of your street and daichi walked you to your door. “so i’ll be back here in a little while to pick you up, okay?” you nodded and daichi leaned in for a kiss. you playfully pulled away and leaned against the wall with a come-hither grin. daichi bit his lip and placed a hand against the wall just beside your head. he put his other hand on the side of your face and pushed your face gently to the side to expose your neck. he hovered a moment, just over your skin and you could hear him laugh softly before planting the lightest teasing kisses up your neck as he curled his fingers into your hair at the nape of your neck. he slowly pulled back and nibbled at his bottom lip with narrowed eyes, “i look forward to seeing what you’ll be wearing tonight.” his dark eyes had a glint of mischief in them. “i look forward to dancing with you tonight.” you said as you ran your hands from his chest to his hips and pulled him forward against you, “i’m sure it will be a lot of fun,” he said with a strained air of composure. he pressed his lips against yours; gently at first and then firmly before pulling away. “better go get ready or we’ll never leave,” you both laugh and share a few more kisses, “alright, alright,” you say fiddling with your house key, “see you in a bit, handsome.” he smiles and waits at the gate for you to unlock your door, “lookin’ forward to it, beautiful.” you wave at each other and watch as he walks up the lane to his house.

you dash inside to start your ritual. there is so much you need to get done before you go! you pop the flowers in some water and run to your bedroom. you pull the cute two-piece from your closet and hang it up next to your mirror, shoesssss.., you dig around in your closet and find some cute, strappy heels. the two piece set is made of a lovely silk blend. its a soft material that fades from a peachy orange to a bright red like a tropical sunset. the back of the top piece criss-crosses across your back with gold chains that highlight your strong shoulders and waist. the skirt is made of a matching material that is very short with a split up the side held together with criss-crossed chains. you pull out your makeup and other self-care supplies.

in the group chat, kiyoko and yachi are also going through their pre-party routine; discussing the virtues of flats versus heels, matte versus gloss, and how the heck yachi is going to get tadashi’s attention! you slap your phone on the charger and turn on some music. you shower, shave, brush teeth, and put on a face mask. you try to relax as you rub illuminating moisturizer on your legs. after your face mask, you pop on your makeup- brows, perfect eyeliner, highlighter, red lips, coral blush, even a lash. you look at your hair and opt for your natural texture. you flip your hair over to shake some volume in and part it on the side. you slide on your heels and before heading out you snip one of the big blooms and tuck it behind your ear. you look in the mirror and smile, i hope daichi likes it. and right on cue you hear him knock on the door.

you open the door and he turns to see you just as you open the door and meet his eyes. his eyes illuminate and his lips widen into a bright smile, “hello gorgeous,” he says as he steps toward you to give you a careful kiss, mindful not to ruin your makeup, “you look amazing,” he says as he holds out your arms to get a better look at you. you blush as his eyes hungrily take you in. “holy shit, girl!” you hear tanaka’s loud voice from the gate, “no freakin way that’s (y/n)!!!” nishinoya exclaims. “you look gooooooooood, for real, for real! daichi-man you been holdin out on us, captain??!!” tanaka whistles. you giggle as you can see daichi’s blood pressure raise. “it’s me!” you say and then give a little twirl, “you guys aren’t the only ones to clean up nice,” you wink and look at daichi who seems to be forever in awe of you when you interact with the rest of the team. he offers you his arm, “ready, gorgeous?” you take his arm and you all head out.

you meet up with a few others that live in the neighborhood and you all laugh and goof off all the way to the venue. it’s one of those moments that feels more like a movie than real life. you are so happy and your heart is so full. for a moment you lose yourself to the energy of the night when daichi stops you. the others walk on and he wraps you in his arms, “you are truly the most beautiful person i’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, and i mean that. inside and out.” he pulls away to look you over once more and there in the heat of the night, music blaring in the distance, in this quiet moment, you feel it must be true.

kuroo tetsurō - winter

“good morning, sleepyhead,” you heard your boyfriend’s raspy voice as you opened your eyes. you looked toward the window and saw the sky was still very dark. you groaned softly and pulled a pillow over your face. tetsurou laughed and rolled over onto his side, propping himself up and pulling the pillow away from your face. he slipped his long fingers under his shirt you were wearing and stroked your waist, “c’mon, precious, it won’t be any easier if you continue to lay here.” his head lulled to the side to make sure he was making eye contact with you. his hazel eyes bright and alert. you smiled up at him and wrapped your arm around his waist and grabbed the pillow he pulled off your face and sweetly, sleepily said, “no.” you smashed the pillow against his face and buried your face into the one below underneath you. “alright,” he said through his smug smile. he tossed the pillow you smashed in his face onto the floor and straddled your waist, “if we don’t get up, we’ll miss it.” you looked up at the ever agile tetsu as he leaned his hands on the headboard. your eyes trailed from his low hanging pj pants, up his abdomen, his chest, his sly smile, and finally his eyes. you smiled and pulled him down on top of you, “weighted blanket. can’t go. too comfy.” you felt him laugh against you as you wrapped your arms tighter around his neck, pulling his torso against yours. “baby,” he began seriously, “who knows when we’ll get this chance again.” you loosened your hands so you could look at his face. tetsu looked at you with eyes yearning and burning into your own, “fine,” you whispered with a pout. tetsu rolled back onto his knees and offered his arm to help you up. you wrap your arms around his arm and hang for a moment with a little whine. he laughs, “what a sleepy girl,” he purrs, “i promise it will be worth it. now let’s get dressed and go get coffee!” he stands up and pulls you up to your feet. “…coffee?” you say after a pause looking up at him with hopeful eyes, “yes,” he says while patting the top of your head, “your morning dose of trimethylxanthine, my pet.” you giggle mischievously and bound toward the closet. he shakes his head and watches you pounce around getting dressed.

this morning was special because it was a solar eclipse. tetsu had planned on going to watch it with you since he heard there would be one. he always tried to watch heavenly phenomenon and since you started dating, he always wanted to watch them with you. he would excitedly talk about how it was his “once in a lifetime moment” with his “once in a lifetime girl” and how he “may never get another chance.” he would talk excitedly about how each eclipse was an opportunity to feel the weight of being and to take a moment to appreciate the incredible mysteries of being suspended on a rock in a far corner of a vast universe and that our significance on a universal, global, even national scale was insignificant, but within the minutia, the significance of our being in the moment we become aware, was as close to infinity as we will ever get. tetsu liked to be reminded of his mortality and the balance of his own existence; physically and metaphysically. you were always so impressed by how much he knows and he continues to learn all the time. you are continually inspired by the depth of his gratitude; although it is buried under a surface level of nihilism.

“hey babe,” you called from the bathroom curling your hair, “what’s the weather going to be today?” tetsu rounded the corner into the bathroom while reading his phone, “looks like it might snow later, so, bundle up and don’t forget to pack a jacket.” he plants a kiss on your shoulder and studies you in the mirror, “i don’t want you to get sick.” he walked back into the bedroom and pulled out your bags. that’s right, you thought, today isn’t just a quick trip to watch the solar eclipse. after you both get coffee and watch the solar eclipse, you were headed into the city to stay for the weekend. kuroo’s friend, tsukki and his girlfriend, had invited you both to a winter soiree at the planetarium that night. it was supposed to be a celebration of the new planetarium building and it’s new design features and exhibits. you both were looking forward to this since they invited you.

you shook out your curls and made your way over to the closet. tetsurō was carefully folding his clothes in his suitcase and checking off the list on his phone; tetsurō is calculated and organized. he looks up from his list and asks, “what color is your dress for tonight? i want to make sure my suit matches.” you grab the garment bag from your closet. you have been keeping this dress a surprise since you ordered it and the suspense was killing him. you hadn’t given him any details, as to not ruin it, but he always tried to work around the surprise. he hadn’t been successful until now, “dark blue,” you say with a sigh and he smiled blithely, “good to know,” he nods and thumbs through his suits. he pulls two- a soft cornflower blue day suit and a dark sapphire blue evening suit the exact color of your dress, “which of these is closer?” he tries to muster an innocent smile, “don’t look at me like that, i’m just trying to make sure i compliment you.” his smirk says otherwise. you roll your eyes and say, “the dark blue,” he hangs the light blue suit up, “you finally got a hint.” he nods, “yes, but i won’t be satisfied until i can see you in it.” he zips the dark blue suit into a garment bag with his undershirt, belt, and a small bag with cuff links, watch, and tie clip. tetsurō secretly loves to get dressed up, especially if he can do it with you.

you packed your bits and bobs and started to get dressed for the day. you stood in your underclothes in front of your closet and shifted back and forth, holding up a few sweaters. you turned to see tetsurō who stopped midway putting on his sweater to admire you. you blushed softly, “what?” you asked and he chuckled, pulling his soft black sweater over his head, “nothing,” he walks over to you and looks in the full length mirror, “i just like observing you,” he kisses the top of your head, “the white sweater is my favorite of the two,” he walks nonchalantly toward the bathroom, continuing packing his list. you hold up the white sweater again and look in the mirror. you decide to go with it. you pull on the form fitting white sweater, some high-waisted tight black trousers, and some tall black riding boots. you slip in some dainty earrings and go to put on your necklace. it was a necklace tetsurō gave you for your birthday. it was a silver pendant with a diamond that looked like the north star. you remember him giving it to you and when you asked why the north star he said, “because when i am with you i never worry about feeling lost; you always lead me home.” he was always very thoughtful in his gifts and gestures. he never put unnecessary weight or emphasis on things. everything he does is intentional and purposeful; for someone who sometimes feels as though nothing matters in the vast expanse of time and space, he sure added a lot of sentiment and meaning to life. that’s one of the many things you love about him.

you fiddled with your necklace while being lost in thought when you feel his hands gently stroke your hair to the side and take the clasp from your fingers. he quickly and deftly latches the necklace and kisses the top of your head. tetsurō gives your shoulders a squeeze and walks back over to the suitcase to pack his toiletries. you spritz your perfume and also pack your toiletry bag, “almost ready, my love?” tetsurō calls from the bathroom. “yeah! just need to throw my toothbrush in my bag and we’re good.” you gather your last bits and slip on your long, oversized gray peacoat and grab your big fluffy scarf. “i can’t believe you still have that thing,” he gestures to the scarf. you look down at the wide and well-worn nekoma scarf. you had it made back in the day, when you both were in high school. it was a blanket scarf that was dark red and had tetsurō's name and jersey number on it, “well, it’s still my favorite.” this still made him smile; after all this time, you held onto it. every year he razzes you for keeping it and every year you tell him it’s still your favorite. he walked up to you and wrapped it around you and pulled you in for a kiss, “glad to know i’m still your favorite.” he kisses your nose and playfully wraps the scarf around your head. you paw him away and fix your scarf with a huff. he laughs and pats his pockets making sure he had everything.

you put your bags in the car and head out. it was still dark out and very cold. you make your way to a cafe and you are thankful for the blast of warm air as you walk in. the girls behind the counter gawk at tetsu who is walking behind you and rubbing the tops of your arms to warm you up. you step in line and you each study the menu before stepping up to the register, “cafe au lait for me and—,” he looks down at you prompting you to place your order, “a peppermint mocha, please,” you say. after paying up you stand by the pick up window and wait for your drinks. tetsurō drapes an arm over your shoulders while scrolling through his phone. “we should arrive at the hill in prime time to see the eclipse,” he was visibly buzzing with excitement. whenever he experienced any wave of positive emotion he reached for you. you think he did this in hopes to boost your mood through osmosis.

your drinks arrived and tetsurō gathered them for you. he made sure your lid was on tight and handed it to you, “careful it’s extra hot.” you took it in both of your hands. tetsurō grabbed some extra napkins and tucked them in his pockets and went through his ritual of patting his pockets making sure everything was in order. he turned to you and adjusted your scarf for you, “ready, precious?” you nodded sipping your very hot peppermint mocha. the girls still swooning nearly caused themselves a pulmonary embolism as he opened the door for you. to be fair, you guys are pretty cute..

with an extra spring in his step, tetsu led the way to the hill where you’d watch the solar eclipse. it was in a park near the water and was perfect for this occasion. he looked up at the sky and his hazel eyes seemed to threaten the clotted clouds in the sky. they kept their distance as you made the trek to the apex of the hill. you both manage to find an empty bench. the park seemed to be more full than tetsurō anticipated. this was bittersweet as he had hoped to have a solitary, intimate moment with you, however, he was very excited that others were interested in this event. you cozied into his side and sipped on your mocha. he draped an arm across the back of the bench and you enjoyed the sunrise. the solar eclipse would be happening just shortly after. “this is pretty special because a total solar eclipse only happens every couple years.” tetsurō swirled his cup of coffee, “the longest solar eclipse can occur for almost 8 minutes. i wonder what the universe will give us today.” he stared out at the horizon as you studied his face. his sharp, defined jaw; his upturned nose, his fierce eyes, the slight depression of his dimple likely formed from his near constant smirk. the wind ruffled his messy bedhead that always seemed to be perfect, no matter how he complained about and fought with it.

the sun made its way over the horizon and just as it ignited the sky it began to disappear before your very eyes. the sun became completely consumed, “‘totality occurs when the moon completely obscures sun so only the solar corona is showing,’” tetsurō said with a holy reverence, his eyes glued to the sky and taking everything in. this was his sacred place; his church. you felt honored that he would want to share this with you. you slipped your hand into his and intertwined your fingers. he tightened his hand around yours and he was on the edge of his seat, he was so happy- this made you happy. after a few minutes, you watched the sun reveal itself. tetsurō watched with the adoration of a groom unveiling his bride. he pulled his eyes away just as the sun came back to light and illuminated your face, “thank you so much for sharing this with me, precious,” he leaned his head against the top of yours and loosed your hand to wrap you in an embrace. you began to understand, over the years the more he shared with you the more you would come to know. moments like this were so special and you would treasure them always.

after watching the sunrise, you and tetsurō made your road trip to the city, stopped for some food, and checked into your hotel. you spend some time in the room compiling lists of landmarks and shops you want to go in while you are visiting. the list consists of bookshops, the natural history museum, and a bar that has a rotating rooftop area with a skylit cieling. it was nice to get away for a few days and have some time to go exploring together and see what you can find. you both lounge in bed and eat some ice lollies you picked up from the convenience store. it might be snowing outside but that was a delicious moment of sadism you both loved to indulge in. it was an act of rebellion, a decadent protest to not be anchored to the proprietary demands of the seasons; tetsurō reveled in the idea of contributing to chaos and throwing of the supposed algorithm of fate. you just wanted to eat ice lollies and listen to him talk about physics. it was a win-win.

time passed and it was approaching time for the event. you grabbed your makeup bag and your garment bag and headed to the bathroom, “no peeking.” you said with a sharp look toward tetsu; who threw up his hands with a laugh, “wouldn’t dream of it, precious.” you locked the door just in case. you unzipped the bag to reveal the dress. it was a floor length sapphire blue silk dress with two slits over each leg that started at the hip. it had an overlay of a darker blue with star and moon embellishments made of swarovski crystals. the dress was cut low into a deep v-neck that nearly showed your belly button. the sleeves were off the shoulder and long to point to a v with loops that went over your middle fingers on each hand like a renaissance painting. you also had a silver and sapphire body chain that highlighted your breast and torso to wear under the dress as well as matching garters that clipped with embellished silver moon hosiery clips. your shoes were a sapphire velvet with a heel. you wore your hair in a low bun with loose curls that framed your face. you tucked pins in your hair with matching crystal stars. your makeup was fairly simple with a lovely pale wine lip, big soft lashes, and lots of glittery shimmer over your shoulders, chest, and cheekbones. you finished getting ready and put your long coat on to cover your dress. you wanted your big reveal to be at the planetarium. you walked out in your coat and scarf with a mischievous grin. “oh, come on, that’s just ridiculous.” tetsurō grimaced. he looked sharp in his fitted dark blue suit. “this is all part of my grand plan, tetsu, trust me.” he rolled his eyes with a smirk, “if you insist.” he kissed your forehead and you left for the planetarium.

when you got there you were welcomed by tsukki and his girlfriend, “thanks for coming,” he said as he greeted you and tetsurō, “of course, thanks for inviting us.” you walk in and wait for the coat check. tsukki and tetsurō were catching up as you and tsukki’s girlfriend chatted and waited together. “look kuroo,” tsukki pointed into the next room, “is that..?” they waved at another acquaintance. “tetsurō, give me your coat and go say hello, we’ll catch up in a sec.” he handed you his coat with a kiss and slipped away to go say hello. perfect, you thought. this would give you an opportunity for a grand reveal. tsukki’s girlfriend turned in her coat and walked away to catch up with the boys; per your request. you slipped off your coat and readied yourself for his reaction. the main exhibit area had an interactive ceiling that reflected the night’s sky giving a detailed look at star and planetary placement. the room was illuminated in a wash of blue light and you entered the room.

at that moment, tetsurō turned to see you enter. his jaw fell slack and his eyes sparkled. you walked up to him, “like it?” he gave you a twirl, “very much,” he pulled you in close to him looking you over and taking in every detail, “worth the wait?” you asked in a whisper. he nodded, speechless as he ran his finger beneath the chain of your jewelry on your chest, “you are absolutely stunning.” tetsu takes your hand and gives you another spin. he drapes an arm delicately across the small of your back leading you around the exhibit.

he is oddly quiet and you catch him staring at you for a long moment, “what is it?” you tilt your head and wait as he searches for the words. you both walk to a quiet corner as the main exhibit begins its premier, illuminating the ceiling. “i finally understand the depth of what carl sagan was saying, ‘the nitrogen in our dna, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars.’ it’s about so much more than our actual biology. there is a radiance of epic proportions that emanates from your soul,” he looks down at you and strokes your cheek, “‘the cosmos is within us. we are made of star-stuff. we are a way for the universe to know itself,’ and i am so fortunate that out of all the possibilities, of all the probabilities in this life, i found you and i get to keep you. this small infinity between us; full of potential. i have found my once in a lifetime girl and the once in a lifetime opportunity to make you infinitely happy.” you squeezed his hand as you shared a soft, tender kiss. a once in a lifetime man with his once in a lifetime girl; a cosmic, supernatural phenomenon all your own in your little shared infinity between two finite beings.

nature is beautiful.

ushijima wakatoshi- fall

“what do you mean you’ve never seen ‘blair witch’?” you turn to look at your boyfriend, ushijima wakatoshi, who is staring back at you with wide eyes, “pumpkin, you know i haven’t seen most movies, let alone most horror movies.” your mouth pops open in awe, “but it’s a classic.” he shrugs and goes back to filling the bowls with candy for trick-or-treaters. wakatoshi didn’t really have the opportunity to participate in most holidays like the average person because of his insane schedule, however, this halloween was on a saturday and he was dating you, the scream queen herself. you sat cross-legged in front of your dvd collection, your horror collection spread out in front of you. your apartment was decorated magnificently with tons of old school and DIY decorations you convinced ushijima to do with you. your marshmallow candles flickered and filled the room with the scent of s’mores and you looked over the coffee table set up with small pumpkins and carving supplies. it was a perfect halloween- spooky clouds, chilly breeze, and a whole day free with wakatoshi in your matching pajamas.

he plopped down on the couch with one of the candy bowls. you popped in the dvd and scrambled up beside him with a chunky knit blanket. “i think you’re really going to like it, toshi. this will get us in the mood for tonight for sure!” wakatoshi kept an eye on the tv while cutting the tops off your pumpkins. he handed you a spoon and you both dug in to start getting the seeds and guts out. “how are you going to decorate yours, toshi?” he looked for a long moment studying the surface of his pumpkin. you imagined this is the exact face michelangelo made looking up at the ceiling of the sistine chapel. he looked sideways at you, “it’s a surprise.” you chuckled and shook your head. he held his pumpkin and turned it over in his hands. he leaned into the couch and stretched his long legs out in front of him crossing his feet at the ankles. you smiled seeing he was wearing the fall pun socks you got for him, “i’m so corny” with little ears of corn all over them. you never thought of wakatoshi to be the type to enjoy goofy, simple things but he ate it up. he loved your silly puns, your makeshift decorations, and your spirit. anything that made you smile, he was down to try.

you paused your pumpkin carving to sip on the hot apple cider you both made. it was the first time either of you had made cider and it was an event. the easy part was wandering around the market, picking out the apples and spices, and walking home through the leaf ladened park. making the cider was a lot more difficult than you thought and you sort of regretted promising jugs of apple cider to your friends. however, the vision of wakatoshi using the cider press would linger deliciously in your mind for days to come. as you sipped your cider, you recalled his serious brow furrowing as he strained against the old-school press, open flannel shirt, and windblown hair; absolutely worth every bit of frustration. the memory made the flavor more decadent. “how is it?” he asked. “delightful,” you said with a soft smile.

you picked up your pumpkin once more. you had chosen a classic smiling jack-o-lantern face for your pumpkin. it was befitting the rest of your home’s motif. you peeked over at his and smiled seeing the silhouette of his favorite childhood character with it’s round body and puffy gloves. he was concentrating while also trying to pay attention to the movie. he would occasionally blow his hair out of his eyes and wipe his brow with the back of his hand; it was like you were kids again.

your phone buzzed next to you, it was from tendou.

“you excited for tonight?” you smiled

“absolutely! what are you going as?”

“i think i’m going to be pennywise! what about you and ushi?”

you tapped your finger against your chin before sending your message.

“it’s a surprise ;)”

you could feel his frustration through the phone.

“who’s that?” wakatoshi said as he nodded his head towards your phone. “tendou. he wants to know what our costumes are tonight.” ushijima sat up straight and looked at you very seriously, “you didn’t tell him did you?!” he exclaimed. you laughed softly, “no, no, i told him it was a surprise.” he relaxed, “excellent; i want them all to be surprised.” he smirked as he continued to whittle his pumpkin.

you and wakatoshi had planned an epic couples costume that was sure to shock everyone. the two of you were so wholesome and reserved that you really wanted to blow everyone’s socks off. you looked over your shoulder and admired your carefully curated costumes. you smiled to yourself knowing that everyone was probably expecting you to show up as something cutesy and sweet, but these costumes… THESE costumes… surprising.

after watching a few films, finishing your pumpkins, and eating your weight in pizza and candy; it was time to get dressed. wakatoshi eyed the skimpy material skeptically, “c’mon, toshi, it will be amazing! trust me!” you scamper off with your costume and get ready. you do your hair and your makeup following a tutorial entitled “victoria’s secret bombshell glow”. you felt like a glowing bombshell for sure. you fixed your top hat to your big curls and wrestled with the glitter and eyelashes and squeezed into the tiny gold spandex shorts and finally turned around… you started at your feet and the glittering, sky high booties, up to your fishnets, tiny gold shorts, exposed abs, the gold and black lingerie push up bra, little red silk jacket with black lapels and gold ornate designs, big bouncy curls and top hat with gold band and veil… you felt hooooot.

wakatoshi knocked on the door, “i think i need a little help, (y/n).” he opened the door and was wrestling with the arm bands of the singlet for his strongman costume. his exposed chest, abs and shoulders were oiled with body shimmer oil. he looked like adonis. his eyes fell on you. he was speechless in a whole new way. “(y/n)-..” he trailed off, his fake vintage mustache falling into your hands. “like it?” you asked twirling around in a cloud of glitter and hairspray. “y-yes.. very much.” he said quietly. he was entranced. “let’s take a picture, toshi!” you pushed his mustache to his upper lip and he caught you by the arm. your breath caught in your throat as you looked into his eyes. “t-toshi?” you said softly, blushing. “trick or teat, (y/n).” he pressed his lips firmly into yours and pulled you close. as you pulled away, his serious face melted and he started to laugh- his mustache had stuck to your upper lip. he grabbed his phone and said, “smile, pumpkin. it’s going to be a wild night.” you posed seductively as ushijima flexed for the photo and he sent it to the team. your phone started to blow up and you both laughed, reading the reactions of your friends.

[mydisasteracademia]

Random Shigaraki Headcanons

This boi. This grubby boi. I love him so much but at the same time he would probably literally dust me so... (oof this one kinda dragged on and on... lol)

Literally has no idea about real-life relationship dynamics outside of what he’s observed in his own parents, in Sensei, and in Kurogiri. All he thinks in the beginning is that people who claim to love you will stand by and let you be hurt, that villains took care of him better than any damn hero, and that he can only truly rely on himself. (And Sensei.)

It takes a loooooooong time of interacting with other people to break himself out of this mindset, and even then, sometimes it comes creeping back if bad things happen.

Getting into canon territory with this one, but really, really, reeeeeeeeally hates heroes because they didn’t even bother to help him when he was going through a whole mental breakdown. Literally one of the only reasons he hates them so much. I know this is pretty much canon, but I doubt he would ever grasp Stain’s ideology of ‘maybe some are good’ because in his eyes, not even the underground pro heroes even bothered to see if he was okay. Remember the scene from the manga with the old lady when he was a child? Yeah. There were bound to be heroes he bumped into, even off-duty ones, and nobody even gave him another glance.

Has extremely bad abandonment issues. If he likes you, he’s gonna want to keep you because he didn’t really have anything nice to call his own while growing up, and Sensei kept him fairly isolated so he literally tolerates nobody else other than him and Kurogiri at first. Reacts horribly when his friends want to break off the friendship. Goes through a whole depressive episode for a while, his old insecurities pop back up, and he really thinks he’s worse than trash and not worth anyone’s time or attention for a while. Prime time for Sensei to further twist his mind.

On that same note, if you’re dating, for the love of everything still good in this world do not break his heart. He will never forgive you. Literally will go to the grave before he forgives you for doing what you did (whether it be cheating on him or completely dropping him like a hot potato). Although this might also extend to little issues that make him feel like you don’t love him enough, he’ll forgive you if you show him plenty of attention and apologize for whatever he was upset over. If you cannot remain patient through his toxic mindsets, it’s best not to get into a relationship in the first place with him if you want to still remain friends afterward, because breaking it off means instant heartbreak.

Anyway! Back to happier, funnier hcs!!

The whole embodiment of the “Wears black in summer because I look good and am willing to suffer” vine. Will not give up his comfy black shirt and sweats for anything because yes, he does look good in black, and yes, he is willing to suffer. He’ll switch to a v-neck tee though. Even he’s not that masochistic.

Really prone to dry skin. I know that’s canon, but just... this poor man can’t keep moisturized to save his own life. Constantly has to apply a special moisturizer that’s specifically made for ultra-sensitive skin and has no scents whatsoever.

Will gripe about having to spend so much money on ointment and moisturizer for both him and Dabi. It’s one of the very few things they bond over, other than having a shitty father and pushover family... and their hatred of All Might.

Shigaraki 100% would be Dabi’s alibi if he actually managed to kill Endeavor. When it comes to the shitty dad club, he’s a fuckin’ ride-or-die.

Kinda sensitive over the fact that both he and Midoriya have the same sort of red shoes, but he loves his pair too much to throw them out. Purposefully aims for Midoriya’s shoes every single time they meet each other on the off chance that they get ruined enough for him to get different shoes, unknowing that he literally can’t just... get differently-colored shoes due to him being originally Quirkless (yes, The Shoes™ theory strikes again)

Literally never forgets a single thing about people he cares about. He’s the type of person who will remember every single thing you tell him about yourself, and especially birthdays. While he doesn’t exactly show his affection very loudly, he would be the type of person who tell you “happy birthday” on the day of as soon as he first sees you, and would treat you a little nicer all day that day.

This boy just has the biggest, scarred heart for his ‘good crowd’. I cannot stress enough just how much like Midoriya he could’ve turned out if he hadn’t been abandoned by society. This mf would give the green bean a run for his motherfuckin money.

“I really just hate the world and everything in it... except for you, maybe I could make an exception for you because you’re nice to me and I appreciate your company too much”

Even though I hc quite a few League members to be like cats when it comes to affection, Shigaraki’s spirit animal is a cat. Likes to lounge about in off-moments, slow to affection and very quick to remember exactly how people treat him, yet if he likes you he shows affection quietly enough that it’s not obvious at first. Like “oh, you’re in the same room as me. It’s not like I missed you or anything, me sitting right next to you at the bar when it’s totally empty means nothing. The fact that I’m looking right at you when you’re talking doesn’t mean I like you.”

LOVES HUGS. If you hug him and he likes you, you’ve probably made his whole day. Depending on how things are going, probably his whole fucking week. Just please hug him, he needs positive affection so bad

Major tsun-tsun. The most tsun-tsun. Grumpy until you get to know him, and if he likes you he’ll show you in little ways: listening to your ideas more, letting you stay closer for longer, maybe getting you something like food.

AFRAID OF TOUCH. I REPEAT, AFRAID OF TOUCH. Not from anyone he likes, of course; this baby is so touch-starved that he deserves a thousand hugs. But if he likes you, he will not initiate physical affection because he’s so afraid of accidentally dusting you. The memories of his family dying (except for his father, because #FuckKotaro2k21) haunt him almost every time he dreams (and if that doesn’t, then other traumatizing events certainly do), and he absolutely would not forgive himself if he dusted his favorite League member/civilian.

Definitely likens the rest of the League to his MVPs after a while of knowing them. Knowing how he operates, it’s adorable.

Would begrudgingly let Toga play around with his hair. I can just see him sitting blank-faced, staring at the mirror as she talks about whatever while brushing and braiding it into a cute plait. He would be hesitant to undo her hard work afterward, no matter how much he grouches that it “ruins his boss vibe”.

The kind of person to go to McDonalds at 3 AM just because he was craving chicken nuggets and ranch. Yes, ranch. He’s an old-school mf who don’t got no time for no barbecue.

Gets really irritated over Toga mooning over Uraraka and Midoriya, but doesn’t stop her from talking about how much she wants to ‘be’ them. (Encourages homicide. Advises homicide. Spinner has to stop her from actually getting ready to commit homicide.)

Disgruntled™

G L O A T S about the time he took away Overhaul’s chance to use his Quirk. “Yeah, we would’ve been satisfied with Compress taking his left arm away to be petty, but then Overhaul had to be a sentient piece of dick cheese, and well, y’know I couldn’t let him get away with that”

It’s becoming a problem. The others have learnt to tune him out once he gets going. Compress just smiles under the mask when he remembers it. Nobody knows what he’s really thinking.

His damn crowning moment. His apex point. There’s no going further beyond that (until he finally defeats Midoriya and takes over Japan as the world’s most feared villain of all time).

“Shigaraki, I’mma let you finish, but AFO still holds the record for being the most infamous villain of all time! Of all time!” <-- let the boy dream okay, he’s been waiting for this moment his whole damn life

Can you tell that I’m still horribly salty over Overhaul being an ass? Because I’m still horribly salty over Overhaul being an ass

Chronic emo phase. Hears the G note and just sighs heavily

Has probably seen hentai. Doesn’t really get the appeal of high-pitched feminine screams. Probably more of a tiddy man than an ass man. Just... boobie

His first fictional crush was Aeris/Aerith. Legitimately lost his shit when she died.

Man Crush Monday is Sephiroth all the way. Especially his one-winged angel form. Wanted to cosplay him for Halloween but didn’t because the cosplay was too costly.

Will make “That’s what she said” jokes in the most deadpan voice. At least Mustard kinda snickers at them.

Probably would’ve been pretty patient with Eri. Her traumatic past certainly would’ve pitted her as a kindred spirit with him, and he would think her Quirk would be a powerful asset if used right. Probably would’ve practiced it by destroying something and then telling her to rewind it so that he can break it again.

Shigaraki, holding Eri by her armpits: “I’ve only had her for ten minutes but if anything happened to her I’d dust everyone in the room to make her feel better”

The rest of the League: “???????? Okay?????”

Legitimately holds a powerful grudge against parents who abuse or neglect their children, especially against abusive fathers. Almost as powerful as his hatred for All Might. Will actively go after someone he sees is abusive to their children and will not let them live.

Would probably adopt an orphan after killing their abusive parents. “Oh, that was your dad/mom/parent? Well guess you’re mine now. Let’s go get chicken nuggets, kid”

Might somehow rope Dabi into going abusive-parent-hunting with him during a raid. Takes great pleasure in seeing the guilty party’s horrified, pained look on their face as they slowly dissolve into a pile of ash.

[makeusfreefromthisfandom]

Anon asked: Heyyy! Can we have some HC on style 5 as fathers? Thank you

Yes! The boys as fathers have me so soft 🥺

Father Headcanons (Style 5)

I got carried away with these hcs... might have to make a separate post for each later on 😅 long post ahead!

Haru

Personally I imagine Haru with a daughter first

Like can you imagine how cute that would be? 🥺🥺the whole like father like daughter 🥺🥺

Haru doesn’t get this whole babies thing, in fact he’s panicking on the inside, but the moment he holds his child in his arms, it’s like every thought every worry has now become irrelevant

The only thing that matters is the child in his arms❤️

Smiles a lot more now because he is genuinely happy.

Even lets his laughs be heard more often just for his kid lol

When his child grows up a bit more, he definitely wants to teach them how to swim and how to ahem ~be one with the water~

He’s not a pushy father at all tho he won’t ever force his child to go down the swimming path and would rather have them get into something they are passionate about

Nevertheless, he still would like them to know how to swim atleast, it’s not a bad thing to learn

But um...he’s not the best of teachers...

Uncle Makoto here to save the day!

That being said, Haru always wants to be there for his child, be able to go to as much of their competitions/meets/games/etc. as he can even though he’s so busy with his own training schedules

He just wants to be there for them and he wants them to know that too<3

Oh um also...he’s bad at scolding...he’ll try to “scold” his little kid for doing something wrong like picking things off the ground and putting it in their mouth but his child just looks up at him like 😯

Also Haru changing diapers? Haha... “ahh (y/n)! How do I do this?”

He gets better at this tho over time :)

Watch his child not like Mackerel

He’s still confused over this whole father thing, but he knows that he really does want to love and be there for his child<3

Btw how cool would it be to have a dad being a world renowned swimmer? 😱

*haru excitingly watching as you feed your baby daughter (I see him w a daughter ok but it’s your choice) mackerel for the first time*

*baby makes a weird face and spits out mackerel*

“*Haru gasps dramatically* She doesn’t like mackerel.”

Baths with his kid. 🐬

JUST IMAGINE THAT I DONT EVEN NEED TO EXPLAIN IT

How precious 🥺

You sitting on the edge of the bathtub, silently watching Haru as he holds his baby in the bath with a small smile, eyes then slowly drifting up to lock in with yours, his smile a bit wider and everything he feels for you and his child, all shining in his eyes ❤️

There cannot be a more perfect, little, peaceful family <3

Makoto

An amazing father!

We’ve seen him with his little siblings Ren and Ran!

That doesn’t mean he won’t panick from time to time because it’s different when it’s your own child

He’s the type to do the whole baby talk and little cooes with his baby but turns bashful when he catches you quietly standing in the doorway watching 🤣

His cooking skills have improved a bit...

You already work so hard everyday for the baby and the house, he wants to lessen your burdens and give you a little break <3🥺

Family cuddles! With you and Makoto on either side and your child/children in the middle! How precious🥺

I see Makoto’s children being a lot more brave and daring than he is like watching “scary” (like Cartoon Network scary XD) movies and wanting going on adventures in places supposedly paranormal

“Dad stop being such a scaredy cat! I wanna go watch this movie already!”

“Ahh (y/n)!! Help me! 😰”

His kids are mischievous bro always do those puppy dog eyes to get him into their schemes

“AH NO (Y/N)! IT WAS THEIR IDEA I PROMISE!”

He also spoils his kids XD

Don’t think that means he doesn’t know when the boundaries are crossed and when he needs to get a bit strict

He may spoil his kids but spoiled kids are a big no no (there’s a difference)

The kids actually grow up to be sweet and respectful

Aww imagine Makoto teaching his own kids how to swim and sending them to an sc🥺

He’s just such a loving father and SO supportive!

His children love that they can come to him with any of their problems and know that he’s going to listen intently and understand, while also offering any advice he might think suitable <3

As if you alone didn’t make his heart well enough with so much love, his heart practically bursts with his children❤️

Ready to sacrifice everything he has for the happiness and well being of his family ❤️

Nagisa

Excitement is an UNDERSTATEMENT

As if this baby himself wasn’t cute enough, just IMAGINE HIS CHILDREN

omg omg omg cuteness overload

He’s jumping up and down when his baby is about to come, however he calms down when he actually gets a chance to hold them and he’s just in a soft, serene state, looking on at his little one with a small smile~

All his little toddler has to do is slightly tug on his shirt, and Nagisa is in a full gushing frenzy

He cries over how adorable they are

Nagisa baby YOU are adorable

He’s such a funny dad always makes his kids laugh!

Like when his child is a baby, he would come over making silly faces that half of the time either made baby laugh or baby cry 😣

Tickle Monster 😏

Finger puppets! I totally see him doing this as a father!

Nagisa won’t tease his kids a whole lot tho, knowing how frustrating it can get having experienced for a good amount of his life by his older sisters

He wants his kids to have fun ALL the time just like him 😁

He shows them his secret sweet stash when he believes it is time

So you’re going to have to be the one implementing the rules and regulations

“Come on, it’s time for bed let’s go, it’s past 11”

“Aww come on (y/n)-chan look at how happy they are! Just give us five more minutes🥺”

The challenging part for you is that you end up having to give in a lot more because now there’s more than 1 who’ve mastered the puppy dog eyes around the house

Another supportive dad! (They all are) he wants to be there for his kids’ firsts! And for all their games and competitions etc.

This is going to be such a fun little family with LOTS of love, support, chocolate, and fun! ❤️

Rei

No theory, no book, no calculations prepared him for the moment his child was placed in his arms

He’s immediately brought to tears and whispers a small “beautiful” 🥺

The type to document EVERY moment of his child

You end up having like 10 albums and tapes of just your kid(s)

ALL of your little ones firsts have all been recorded and documented to reminisce on later in the future🥺

Always nudging you and showing you the cute little things your baby is doing off in the corner🥺

He can be strict

Unlike Nagisa, oh no he is not spoiling his kid’s diet

Their kid is eating their entire rainbow with lots of fruits and vegetables, along with the right amount of protein and milk

However there are times where he chills out and actually bakes cookies and sweets for his children 🥺

And they are *chefs kiss*

However when Uncle Nagisa comes over...those kids know what’s up 😝😋

Wants to show them the beauty of swimming, specifically the butterfly stroke

You don’t have to worry about your kids getting low grades, because Rei will personally take care of that😌

He just wants his children work hard so they can become the best at whatever they choose to do in the future <3

Haha you wanna know what I’m imagining?

Him having a daughter that is an EXACT copy of him

And it will completely leave him speechless at moments XD

“Ahem...Daddy, the way that you pitch the ball is off by approximately 15 degrees according to the direction and pressure of the wind...not beautiful” *pushes glasses up*

Rei is just like 😨😱

Anyways you can forget about having excessive burden on your shoulders from parenting because this man is going to give it his all for you and his children❤️

Rin

The second his baby was delivered, he was already a crying mess, however when they are actually placed in his arms, it’s like all the tears have suddenly stopped, and it’s just a moment for Rin.

However he starts crying again immediately after

He loves his child so much! ❤️

They are a physical embodiment of his love with you! <3

He now understands the sacrifices his own father made for the sake of his family and now Rin is willing to to the same for his own

All his tsundereish tendencies vanish and he just becomes one big softy 😤

Don’t think that means that Rin doesn’t know how to be strict tho

Oh he is a strict dad but he only does is it for his child’s own good

He will shower them in just as much affection after the scolding <3

Like even after he gets a bit harsh on his child and sees their eyes, Rin immediately stops and goes into your shared room and starts sniffling

“H-hey (y-y/n)...w-was I too harsh on them?”

Yes he’s the type of dad to get onto you for brushing your teeth

He’s also that dad helping his kids with math

He has let his emotions show a lot more now.

Like when his baby started taking his first steps...Rin cried, camera in his hand shaking

When his child picked a flower and brought it to him...shark baby cried.

Or when one of his children brought home their essay about Rin being their biggest hero...Rin cried.

A very supportive family!

With you guys going to support him swimming at the world stage, and Rin going to all his children’s events and being their #1 fan <3

I can see Rin owning a “The World’s Best Dad” or “#1 Dad” mug and proudly drinking from it XD <33

He also gets very competitive with his kids! He gets very into the sports and games he plays with them

Teaching them tricks and tips along the way

And swimming? He’s got it in the bag, your child will get the hang of it under a week.

Some days Rin likes to lie with you on the bed, wrapping an arm around you to hold you close and pressing a a soft kiss to your temple, thanking you for being the love of his life and making him the world’s happiest man alive 🥺❤️

A/n: The boys would be such good fathers!They can all have my babies I love the parenting concept! I’m probably going to make separate hcs for them in the future 🥺

[chamerionwrites]

fjord from critical role?

Why I like him: Extremely biased here, because I’ve been fond of Fjord from the first handful of episodes and everything about his character arc since has been tailor-made to appeal to my id specifically. In the first place I’m weak for a metaphor made manifest (of course Mr. Mask-Of-Many-Faces is imposter syndrome embodied), and self-image and self-revelation issues, and the unfair expectations that masculinity imposes on people, and rocky religious journeys. He’s even tailor-built for the kind of guerrilla melee combat I enjoy playing in DND. 

In the second place...I think a lot about how it was demonstrably harder for him to be vulnerable with his friends than it was for him to shove a sword in his own chest and try to outbluff a monstrous demigod. Fjord is so tragic in the most easy to overlook kind of way - it’s not fantastical or grand, it’s not wrapped up in political conspiracy or curses or magical mind control. Ukotoa is a problem, maybe even a nemesis, but not a formative trauma. All his deepest hurts came from petty human cruelty and there’s something terribly poignant to me about that, and about how he’s responded to it, because Fjord comfortable in his own skin is peak dad friend - protective, steady, great at herding cats when he needs to be, a little awkward and impulsive otherwise - and it makes me really soft for him because nobody taught him that; this man never had a dad and he definitely never got much protection or nurturing but that’s who he naturally is, when he lets himself just be.

Why I don’t: Particularly early on when he was trying super hard to become the mask he could be a bit of a bully, and that intimidation modifier still tempts him that way on occasion. 

Favorite episode: Another predictable answer but it’s gotta be 72/Clay And Dust. The running theme of the M9 figuratively belting out “You Don’t Own Me” to a string of controlling assholes who use power to manipulate and subjugate is one of the most deeply satisfying parts of C2, and Fjord’s turn to do it was extremely badass.

Favorite line: “I don’t have to do things in the way they were done to me.”

Favorite outfit: The Eiselcross concept art is v sexy (for all of them, tbf, so maybe it’s just my weakness for a nice coat). 

OTP: Again, file this under “I’m open to anything as long as there’s interesting character payoff.” 

BROTP: THE BJREAUS, I adore both characters individually and their friendship gives me life. It’s hilarious to me that they’re both very bright but a little bit stilted about emotional expression in a such way that when combined their lovable dumb jock energy is absolutely off the charts, and also very touching how they manage to say the important stuff anyway and how ride or die they are. (Also I’m weak for well-portrayed male-female friendships in general, and I feel very seen by this one.)

Headcanon: For a 30-something character who is explicitly, canonically handsome and charming, he’s so broadly uncomfortable being flirted at, so easily embarrassed by sex jokes, and so cautious and careful even when he’s comfortable (even the thing with Avantika had such an intense aura of “let’s do something wildly out of character because I’m curious and impulsive and this situation is already so out there that I’m a little high off the rush of danger,” and he wasn’t particularly keen to repeat it) that I have a hard time imagining he has a whole lot of relationship experience. Whether that’s solely a function of his self-image/openness/control issues or he’s aspec or both I don’t really have a settled headcanon. 

Unpopular opinion: Like I said before I’m not really immersed enough in the fandom to know what’s unpopular so it’s entirely possible this is the majority opinion, but...nobody thinks Fjord is a reliable narrator about how fabulous Vandren was, right? Because from what little we know my every impression is that young Fjord was so starved for kindness he swore undying gratitude to the first person who was reasonably decent to him, and that Vandren is probably a nice enough guy but doesn’t have nearly the same emotional investment in that relationship. (Also Fjord attempting to emulate Vandren was definitely Fjord at his worst, so.)

A wish: I’d love a bit more of a glimpse into his backstory - not the Ukotoa part (which like I said isn’t really the most formative thing), but the orphan-and-sailor part. Vandren and Sabian are just dangling out there as tantalizing potential plot threads, and if nothing else I’d love to visit Port Damali for the sake of seeing Matt’s worldbuilding. 

Please never happen: In-universe it’s obviously the last thing from desirable but ngl, narratively I want Ukotoa to get released before the campaign is up if only so we get more extremely aesthetic high-seas combat.

Five words to describe him: Curious, controlled, self-conscious, chameleon, defender

My nickname: I think the moral of this ask meme is that I don’t nickname characters.

[nightowlfandom]

Kim Namjoon Imagine- Oblivious

REQUESTS ARE TEMPORARILY CLOSED.

OMG AUTHOR-CHAN WHERE DA FUQ YOU BEEN. 

Places....my internet decided to die on me and be a bitch soooooooo ya. i how you doin?

Leggo!

...

"I refuse!" you spat, glaring at your father. "You can't make me do anything. I am old enough to make my own decisions!" You were a legal adult, you couldn't be controlled or manipulated into doing anything. 

"Y/N this deal was set before you were born." you mother argued. " Plus, he is a very nice young man." 

"Okay but what does that have to do with me?!" you stared at your mom. "You two sold out your own daughter! For what? To fuse the family companies together?" you crossed your arms.

"Y/N, please watch your tone." your dad sighed, getting up from his desk. "It isn't like that."

"Then what is? Telling me I can't date who I want. That I'm essentially being subjected to baby maker housewife to some guy who has to be told what he wants?" you rebutted. "That's not fair."

"And you spending so much time with that boy is?!." you mother spat. "Spending a mere second around that delinquent could tarnish your reputation!"

You mother was referring to Namjoon, someone who you've had more than several encounters with. He wasn't like you. Translation he was the embodiment of a stereotypical fanfiction bad boy. (Minus the smoking and motorcycle, he was a car type of guy.) Long story short, you became a little more than friendly and your parents didn't like that, to your delight.

"What you mean the only boy on this planet who cares about what I have to say?!" you spat. "Because you two sure don't seem to enjoy listening to me!"

“That’s enough! Go to you room and get ready!” your mother glared at you, which prompted you to storm off, purposefully knocking a vase over hearing it crash, but not break onto the floor. “

....

The dinner was a complete bust. COMPLETE. You hoped you never had to deal with such a travesty ever again. But these were your parents you were talking about. You’d always be in some stupid situation.

“Hey babe.” fingers snapped in your face and you looked up to see Namjoon smirking at you. “Lost you for a second.”

“Sorry, I was thinking.” You smiled straightening up. “What were you saying?” You were at his house because fuck your parents and them trying to tell you how to spend your free time. Namjoon knew who your parents were and his feelings towards them were less than pleasant.

"Well I wrote a few more verses I want you to look at.." he gave you a notepad. "Before I record them I want your opinion."

"I don't know why you enjoy hearing my opinions. Your lyrics are amazing regardless.” You replied, smiling. “I know nothing about rapping anyways.”

“Is it a crime to want to hear my girl’s opinion?” He asked, making you heat up in embarrassment. He saw you looking down and chuckled, pecking you on the lips.

“S-shush, just give me the notepad.” you pouted, taking the notebook from him. I stared down , my eyes skimming over the page. Namjoon’s lyrics were always good to you, so your opinions were kind of one and the same, not that he minded.

“Well?”

“It’s better than Expensive Girl.” You joked, causing his eye to narrow into a mock glare. “Just saying, ya shoulda kept that one fore a...rainy day.” You kept reading. “Is this about me?” You had noticed keywords that had sort of felt like they described you.

“Yeah, I gotta include my source in inspiration.” he said like it was obvious. 

“You’re silly.” you giggled.

“Maybe you don’t like Expensive Girl because you’re just an innocent little girl.” he shrugged,

“I’m not-”

“Yes you are.” he poked your nose.

“Well we can’t have tons of girls all over us just for being good looking.”

“I’m not that type of guy Y/N.” Namjoon frowned a little. When you had first met him, you thought the worst of him, THE VERY WORST. 

“I know you aren’t, but they way you talk leads me to believe otherwise.” you nudged him. “And the way you act too, sir.” you poked his nose referring to how he used his charm to sweet talk his way out of every little situation. “Geez you have the mouth of a sailor.”

“Okay I only said  ‘If at first you don’t succeed, fix your ponytail then try again’ and it was at my friend’s wedding, so it’s not that bad. “ he laughed.

“I don’t get it?” You tilted your head to the side. Namjoon cocked a brow up at your confused face. “Where did that come from?”

“You don’t get the joke?” he asked. “You’re serious”

“Not really? What does a ponytail have to do with-” you were genuinely confused. Fix your ponytail then try agai-

Before you knew it, he had burst out laughing, holding his stomach.

“YOU ARE SO INNOCENT! Don’t tell me you’ve never had sex either!” he said, still laughing.

“Wait a second! When did this topic even come up?!” You looked up, absolutely mortified.

“Face it baby, you’re so boring, haven’t you ever been wild? And playing tennis with the rich neighbors doesn’t count.” he chuckled.

“I HAVE BEFORE!” You crossed your arms. “A long time ago.”

“A long time ago.” he repeated. “Babe, I’m sorry but you have never had fun a day in your life.”

“I mean I haven’t had time to since my parents are overbearing assholes. You’re the first real guy who has ever....” 

(Flashback)...

“You haven’t flipped that page for 30 minutes.” A voice made you look up from your book. A boy with dark hair and clothes to match was smirking at you. 

You had known Namjoon from the other side of town. He usually hung out at underground clubs and bars. From what your other friends told you, he was dangerously charming. You never talked to him though.

“Y-you were watching me?” you asked.

“You aren’t that hard to miss.” he chuckled. “You’re the only one dressed so proper here.” 

You glanced around. He was right. Everyone else looked so cool and you?...eh

“What are ya doing here anyways?”

You were hiding from your parents who had wanted you to meet some other wealthy weirdos. Anything for status and new friends. “You’d think my reason was stupid.”

“Ha. Try me.”

“...Trying to live without my parents breathing down my neck.” I put my book down on the table. 

“Hm. You’re parents some kind of-”

“Business people.” you cut him off. “Even being seen here might freak them out and then I’d get a lecture about status and upbringing.” You replied.

“Sounds tough...but that doesn’t explain why you’ve been reading off the same page for the past thirty minutes.”

“...Have you been watching me?”

“....Good point, I’m Namjoon.”

“Y/N” 

(End Flashback)

That was a long time ago, and after weeks and weeks of trying to convince you, you finally went out on a date with him (which involved you having to sneak out) but still.

“I didn’t really have a life before you, y’know.” You mused, smiling a little. “Sure you got me into some things that made me wanna kill you, but...”

“But I was too handsome to say no to?” He joked, which made you smack him with his own notepad. 

“No!” you rolled your eyes. “Ah you ruined the moment you jerk!” you crossed your arms. 

“Oh come here.” Namjoon throw his arms around you, pulling you close. “ I’m glad I met you.” Namjoon finally said. “At first I thought you were a stick in the mud but-”

“Yeah yeah.” you mumbled. You knew where this speech was going. “But you grew to love it.” you thought he was gonna say.

“Actually I was gonna say that you actually ended up being the only girl who stayed with me, who liked me for who I was and stuck around long enough for me to show you who Kim Namjoon was...even if I got you into a bit of trouble.” he chuckled. “I love you Y/N. Not just that dumb ass I like you and you like me shit either. I love you so much that I would do everything for you, and if I couldn’t I would make it happen. I want to take care of you and give you everything you want in life...” 

You looked up in shock, Namjoon had told you he loved you before but he never said it that way. Before you knew it, that same smirk returned to his face. “Cat got your tongue?”

“Ugh you really know how to ruin the moment.” you poked his cheek. 

“and you love it.” he winked, crawling over to you.

“Yeah you’re lucky I do.” you mumbled. “Otherwise we woulda had some problems buddy.”

Namjoon rolls his eyes at you and kissed your lips again, gently caressing your cheek. You moved to sit on Namjoon’s on lap like he loved. You wrapped your arms around his neck, feeling his body heat against your skin. You felt his hands slip under your shirt. The feeling of his warm fingers made you jump. This made Namjoon’s movements cease.

“We don’t have do continue if you don’t want to.” he breathed heavily. “I’m sorry, I got carried away-”

“N-no,,,I want to.” you stammered. “You can keep going.”

“Are you sure?” he asked. “If you say that to me, then I won’t be able to hold myself back.” he said, digging his head into your neck. “You know that, Y/N.”

“I’m sure...you can keep going..”

You were suddenly pinned down to the bed by Namjoon. 

...

“FUCK” he grunted, his body rolled against yours. “Shhh, not so loud baby.” he chuckled. “Wouldn’t want to wake my neighbors.”

“N-namjoon...I’m...I’m gonna-”

“Not yet, wait for me. Please...” He brushed stray, sticky hairs from your face. “You look so cute,”

He sloppily crashed his mouth over yours, his member twitching inside of you.

“Baby, cum for me.” he whispered. Your arms had somewhat tightened around his neck, feeling him twitch even more.

It felt like things came crashing down on you as your orgasm shook and vibrated throughout your entire body.

"Run away with me." he breathed out, coming down from his high.

"What??" you looked up at him wide eyed. "Did you just ask me to-"

"Run away with me." he repeated, his breath evening out. "Come be with me...don't worry about this...this life, your family. Y/N...I love you."

You sat up in bed, looking down at him. "Namjoon-..I-"

"I want you to be happy, to be able to do what you want, when you want. I want to wake up to your face every day. I want to make you happy, I want to help you live your dreams and...not worry about being told what the fuck to do anymore."

He sat up as well.

"Yes." you cut him off. "Yes I'll run away with you."

“Yeah? For real?”

You could only nod as you felt your mouth be covered by Namjoon’s again. 

“Fuck I love you so much.”

...

You could shove almost everything you owned into one large duffel bag despite the complaints of your mother.

“So you’re going to live with that gutter trash of a boy!” you mother stood by the door frame with a glare on her face. “Think of what this could do to our family’s reputation?!”

“Like basically selling your own daughter to some loser isn’t tarnishing enough!”?!?!” you scoffed. “I’m an adult, and I don’t need this, and I sure as hell don’t need you two!”

You had made sure to pack everything you had bought with your own money. Knowing them, they’d try to make you leave behind the little shit they bought you.

“Young Lady you are not to go anywhere near that boy and that is final! I’ll take away your allowance!” your father snapped.

“Go ahead, i know you and mom like to take from my bank account anyways to buy shit you don’t need.” you rolled your eyes. “Like that five hundred you guys used to buy a new vase when I needed it for my hospital bill when I broke my ankle?” you said flatly. Thank god you had your own account no one else knew about or else you’d be screwed.

“What about your marriage!”

“Call one of my cousins I’m sure they’d love to take my spot.” you began dragging the three duffels you owned. You didn’t have anything of value from your parents, anything actually useful like your laptop and other things were all purchased by other people. Just as you got to the front door, you saw Namjoon standing in front of a van.

“I bought some friends by to help.” he motioned to his friends who were getting out the car. Hoseok, Yoongi, Seokjin, and Taehyung, Jimin, and Jungkook.

“How did you guys all fit in that car?” you asked curiously!

“We took two cars!” Jungkook replied. “So are these the parents?” he raised an eyebrow.

“Yep.” Namjoon scoffed. He grabbed two of the bags out of your hands. “I’ll take that.” He threw them in the back seat onto the car floor. 

“If you leave with those delinquents, you are no longer part of this family!” your father threatened. “You will be outcast and everyone will know it!”

“...I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.” you replied. “Now are you guys gonna let me go or-”

Your father sudden took a walking start for you, as if he was about to grab you and drag you back inside.

“GET BACK!” Hoseok stomped menacingly to your parents who jumped in fear. “I’ll take that, Y/N.” Hoseok grabbed your last duffel as Namjoon wrapped an arm around you.  

“You don’t want to try that again, I wouldn’t want your driveway to be covered in blood.” Yoongi threatened. Unlike Hoseok, Yoongi wasn’t hesitant about getting in your father’s face. Before anyone could say anything else, a black car pulled up. A man in a tuxedo got out, a cellphones practically glued to his ear. 

“Whose that?”

“Ah Chairman!” you heard your father bark, sending a snide smirk your at. The stranger took the sunglasses off his face. You recognized him as some big shot CEO that your father loved to suck up to. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here on business. What do you want?”

“Well I’m afraid I’m no longer in need for that favor I asked of you. It appears that my daughter is NOT the one for the job to be your intern.” you heard him say. So to add to the hatred of your parents, he was now..taking away job opportunities? 

Well, you would have cared more if you knew who he was.

“And who is your daughter, and most importantly why should I ca-” his eyes fell on you. “...You must be Y/N!”

But apparently he knew you.

“Namjoon my boy!” your boyfriend walked up to the man giving him one of those dude-hugs. “This must be the girlfriend you were telling me about?”

“You know him?” I asked in surprised.

“You know him!?!?” Your father asked just as appalled mixed with disgust.

“Of course, this is my favorite nephew!” the man laughed, his now serious demeanor turning friendly. “Ah, I’ve heard so much about you, Y/N. Namjoon here tells me nothing but good things.”

Your family look just as surprised as you. Namjoon returned to your side.

“Y/N, uncle here works for (Insert dream job company here). I emailed him your resume and he’s been waiting to meet you for a while!”

“So this is your family?” he nodded his head towards your mother and father.

‘Not anymore, i’ve been outcast.” I shrugged.

“Well that’s too bad.” he shook his head holding out a business card. “Now, if you’re as talented as Namjoon says, then your father setting you up as an intern is just insulting. I’m actually looking for a new vice president.” he got a car out his back pocket. “Give me a call.”

You wordlessly took the card. “T-thank you!”

“And if you ever need anything, you just call me. Anything for t  elove of my nephew’s life!”

He put his shades on and turned away. “You’re fired.” he snapped at your father as he walked away.

“You ready to go?” Namjoon asked, gently grabbing your hand. You nodded, letting him lead you to his car. 

“I call front seat!” you hopped in the car before Hoseok could even reach it.

You didn’t even look back at your parent as you all laughed at Hoseok’s sulking and mumbling “Geez, she’ll fit right in.”

(So did I make myself cry writing this, maybe. But that’s my business.)

[goat-yells-at-everything]

Final Thoughts: The Witch

*SIGH*

I didn't hate it.

I wanted to hate it. I use to hate it.

I didn't hate it.

I didn't even hate William as a character as much as I use to. Still hate Ineson, though.

My Bias

Let me start off with my bias. If you couldn't tell by now, I love goats. What originally drew me to The Witch that day in Family Video (not sponsored) was, of course, the goat on the cover. After watching the movie I did some reading on it and the VAST majority of coverage about the movie was about Black Phillip. "Fine by me!" I thought. "I'd rather read about the only star that matters here anyway!"

And that's how I learned of Charlie. Charlie was a beautiful black buck with gorgeous piercing golden eyes. There isn't much base information about him but from my own research and knowledge, I beleive Charlie is an Old Irish. Funny enough, the striking horns that earned Charlie his place in the movie because of how large they were are not actually that big by Old Irish standards. These boys can grow some IMPRESSIVE racks. *cough* 

Charlie was not the most dedicated actor on set. If they wanted him to be boisterous and act aggressive, Charlie wanted to take a nap. If they wanted him to hold still and display the calm demeanor of The Devil, Charlie wanted to run around like a kid discovering his legs for the first time. This description didn't shock me in the least. "Thats...thats just a goat?" I thought. "Thats just how they ARE." Goats are like...well, goats are unique animals. While even a cat can be trained with enough patience and the right reward, goats are wonderfully intelligent and MIND NUMBINGLY STUPID animals all at the same time. You look into their eyes and you see the infinite knowledge of the universe AND the mindless empty void AT THE SAME TIME. That is just the nature of the domestic goat. So of course you will never have a goat do what you want it to on the first, second, or even tenth try. If you work with goats in any way, you just need to accept this.

So Charlie, this incredibly intelligent and extremely stupid animal, was on a set of a movie where He was the antagonist in the minds of the characters, actors, and crew. Charlie could have been just fine on the set if the actors had kept their animosity to filming sessions, and most of them did just that. Most of the actors and crew were, at worst, neutral towards Charlie when not actively filming a scene with him. Most of the actors.

Ineson was not among them. Ineson is quoted as saying "From the moment we set eyes on each other it was just kind of hate at first sight." Now, because of their vast infinite nothingness in their heads, goats really aren't capable of "hate at first sight," but they CAN sense animosity from others towards them. Like when your cat knows that your dad hates cats. They just know. So you have an incredibly intelligent moron that weighs just over 200lbs looking at this imposing angry man that was Ralph Ineson and he knows the man does not like him and Ineson has decided that every action Charlie makes is just to spite him, specifically.

It was not the best paring...

By the 4th day of filming, Ineson reported that he was on pain killers for the remainder of the 5-week shoot.

The thing was, the rest of the actors and crew (aside from Eggers but he was trying to direct a goat in a movie so he gets a little leeway) actually recall how sweet and wonderful Charlie was. Anya Taylor-Joy has said that the shoot was a "beautiful" experience. Anna Kilch, a veteran animal trainer, said Charlie was a dream to work with.

So I'm not the biggest fan of Ineson...

The Movie

With that said, what did I think about the movie?

It was...not horrible. In fact, if I put aside my own animosity towards Ineson, it was pretty ok. There are PROBLEMS, no doubt about that, but it was decent.

The Good

The atmosphere was beautiful. It was shot in a quaint little bit of nowhere in Northern Ontario. Pretty sure they put a blue filter over everything but it really did work. It muted all the color and made it all very dreary and damp feeling. In most other situations this would be a major detriment but the overall feeling of hopelessness from the characters was perfectly accented by the misty and drab landscape.

The characters....there were problems but I'll touch on that later. What I liked was how they represented the Deadly Sins.

William is pretty clear. He is the Sin of Pride. It was his pride that had them exiled from their settlement. It was his pride that caused him to lie and steal from his own family. It was his pride that kept his family in a place that was blighted and would not produce anything. It was his pride that made him refuse to see Black Phillip for what he was.

Katherine was also very clear. She is the Sin of Wrath. Her anger at Thomasin for the loss of her infant blinded her to everything around here. It blinded her to Thomasin's innocence. It blinded her to her other childrens sins. It blinded her to how hard Thomasin worked to regain her mothers favor. And, eventually, it blinded her to the avatars of the devil that came to her that dark night.

Caleb, again, very clear. He is the Sin of Lust. Caleb was a bright young boy who was dedicated to and dearly loved his family. He loved one family member a little too much. Caleb lusted after his elder sister. That lust eventually lead him into the arms of the titular Witch as she seduced him with her HUGE....tracks of land... c:

Mercy and Jonas are harder to pin down. Eventually I settled on Envy and Sloth respectively, though I'm not 100% sold on them. Jonas I'm a bit more sure on. His character is fairly one note and all about shirking any work his elder sister tries to give him. I settled for Envy for Mercy mostly because of the scene near the creak. She seemed to envy the attention her father and elder brother gave to Thomasin. Neither one are very strong connections though.

Thomasin didn't really show a sign of a serious sin until the very end. Actually, she almost seemed to embody ALL of the sins in the end after being almost pure as snow for the whole movie. Almost. She displayed minor sins throughout the movie but it made her a believable character. She was a young woman, somewhere between 14 and 16 I'd say. She got angry at her siblings, she wasn't totally focused on her chores, the normal teenage stuff.

However, by the end of the movie, Thomasin displayed nearly all 7 Sins. She was wrathful towards her father. She was greedy for her mothers love. Black Phillip's offers display Gluttony (Butter) and Envy (the Dress). She was certain that she was right in all of her actions, blinded by Pride. She was apathetic once her family were all dead, leaving them all to rot in the elements as she wallowed in self pity. And finally she disrobed and frolicked with the devil in her Lust.

The Bad

Oh yes was there bad.

The sound direction was OBJECTIVELY horrible. What should have been ambient sound effects were too loud, the dialog was WAY too soft, the music was all over the place. It fell well into that nasty hole that Horror has of turning all the sound to soft and quiet before hitting you with a sudden jolt as the action jumps to life. When used well, this can elicit a visceral feeling in the viewer that lets them connect with the urgency of the scene. When used wrong, its just a cheep tactic to get a scare just like jump scares. This REALLY needs to be called out more often in Horror. We all denounce jump scares as cheep and over used and we need to do the same for the auditory equivalent.

The dialog was really hard to understand. I understand the choice considering the setting, but it was the biggest wall that kept me from enjoying anything the first time around. By the nature of Old Low English, words would blend into one another and become almost gibberish. Its a very lovely language to read, but a chore to listen to. I put on subtitles this time around and was able to follow the story much more easily. I would absolutly advise putting on subtitles while watching it.

The ending was the weakest part of the movie aside from the sound issues. I mean the very last scene. Everything leading up to that was actually very well done. The way Thomasin goes to Black Phillip and demands he talk to her. The way he offers her everything she could ever want. How you see both the hope and defeat in Thomasin when Black Phillip began to talk to her. It was clear he was the one who set in motion the cogs that ended with her families death but they were all victims of their own sins in the end. She saw his power over their insignificant lives and was crushed by his seeming superiority to the Lord she had been raised to love. At the same time, she saw the power he could bestow on HER, a clear tangible power unlike the "story" of Heavenly Power that she never saw physical examples of.

To end on the scene of this naked woman, no longer the innocent girl burdened by heavy trappings of modesty, walking into the woods with the black billygoat hot on her heals would have been so powerful. Just cut to black right there. You can even still have the witches chanting as it cuts to black and the end credits fade in.

But they decided to take it one step further and it did NOT help the ending. It was just too over the top with the naked women writhing erotically around this fire. When the camera turns back on Thomasin and she begins writhing and moaning and laughing and you see her rise into the air, maybe its just me but it took away the power of that sure confident woman walking into the woods.

It just feels like a step too far and would have been much stronger if they'd just left that part out.

The G.O.A.T

The best part was still Charlie.

Black Phillip, Black Phillip

A crown grows out his head,

Black Phillip, Black Phillip

To nanny queen is wed.

Jump to the fence post,

Running in the stall.

Black Phillip, Black Phillip

King of all.

Black Phillip, Black Phillip

King of sky and land,

Black Phillip, Black Phillip

King of sea and sand.

We are ye servants,

We are ye men.

Black Phillip eats the lions

From the lions' den.

[griffins-fanfic]

Finding Midnight-Chapter 3

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairing: Moxiety, background Logince

Warnings: none that I know of

Summary: Roman begins his lifelong rivalry with Midnight ft some cute platonic Royality

AO3

[[MORE]]

Roman was exhausted. If he never had to deal with another lady who thought she knew everything, or another table of frat boys who made not so subtle homophobic comments at his retreating back, it would be too soon. He had never been so relieved that it was movie night in his life. He arrived home, changed into clothes bordering on pajamas, ran a makeup wipe over his face, and nearly sprinted the four blocks he had to walk to get to Patton and Virgil's apartment.

Once there, he let himself into the apartment with his key. Patton was in the kitchen making popcorn, so he waved a greeting and walked into the living room. There, Virgil was sitting cross legged, on his phone, oblivious to Roman's arrival.

Roman took the opportunity to collapse onto the couch, his head landing on Virgil's lap, startling the man. He landed facedown, and started groaning immediately.

"Rough day at work?" Virgil asked, combing his hand through Roman's hair.

"Understatement of the century." He muttered. He stayed there, enjoying the affection, until he felt a prick of pain on his leg. He yelped and shot up, jumping onto the back of the couch.

"Midnight!" Patton yelled from the doorway. Virgil started laughter, small giggles quickly turning into hearty guffaws as he curled in on himself. Roman only squinted in confusion at the blur of black scattering across the floor, the obvious culprit of the pain. Patton scooped it up and started toward the couch.

"Sorry about that," he said, "I'm not sure why she attacked you."

"The demon has a name?" Roman gasped.

Virgil wiped the tears from his eyes and calmed down. 

"the demon is edging you out of your best friend spot, so I'd be careful what you say about her. She's a dumpster cat we adopted a couple days ago."

"And who's idea was it not to warn me?" Virgil raised a hand and Roman narrowed his eyes at him. He knew it.

"I'm sure you just startled her. She's still skittish." Patton said. "Here." He stepped closer. "Give her your hand."

Roman slowly reached his hand out and held it a foot from the ball of fluff in Patton's arms. He got hissing in return.

Virgil giggled again. "I guess she just doesn't like you."

Roman gasped, affronted. "How dare you! How could any creature on this Earth dislike me?"

Virgil gave him what Roman considered the side eye of the century. "I wonder."

Roman threw a pillow at him, immediately regretting it when Midnight launched out of Patton's arms and started attacking him again. After thirty seconds of pain and screaming, Patton managed to get ahold of her and shut her in Virgil's room.

"What the hell!" Roman gasped.

"She's usually really sweet, I don't know what's up with her." Patton said. "Are you bleeding anywhere?" He knelt down to check over Roman.

"I have an idea." Virgil said.

"Care to share with the class Emo Nightmare?" Roman sucked in a breath when Patton's fingers brushed over a wound on his wrist.

"You come in here, slam the door shut, act like your usual loud self as you make your way to the living room. These actions paint you as a threat in her eyes. Then, you jump on me. She must have interpreted that as you attacking me, and she wasn't about to let a stranger attack her dad without defending him."

"That, actually makes sense."

"I'm gonna go get Band-Aids." Patton got up to find them.

"Shock and awe, I was smart about something for once, I know. I grew up with cats. I'm pretty decent at reading them."

Patton came in with a box of Disney Band-Aids and Roman reached out to grab them. "Where's Specks?"

"Logan couldn't make it due to 'unforeseen circumstances." Virgil said.

"Oh." Roman tried to ignore the disappointment that settled in his stomach. It made no sense, anyway. He had known Patton for years, and met Virgil a couple days after they become roommates. He only met Logan a few weeks ago, when he came to movie night for the first time. So there was so reason he should be so disappointed that he wasn't there.

"Now quit moping," Virgil said, Roman hadn't realized he had been wearing his emotions so clear on his face. "We're watching Heathers."

Roman's mood was brightened instantly. One thing that Roman and Virgil had bonded over was their love for what Roman called "The Holy Trinity" of teen girl cult classics. Heathers, Clueless, and Mean Girls. Virgil had been working backwards in introducing the other two to those movies, working backwards chronologically whenever it was his turn to pick the movie. Heathers was Virgil's favorite and Clueless was Roman's.

Virgil turned the movie on and they settled into their spots. Through trial and error they had organized a way for four people to comfortably fit on the couch a few weeks ago. Patton sat on the left end of the couch, next to the side table. He had access to all their drinks. Roman sat in the middle of the couch, feet on the single foot rest, sometimes he leaned against Logan, sometimes Logan sat in the chair. Virgil curled up with his head in Patton's lap and his feet in Roman's.

They went through the movie, Roman quoting nearly all of Chandler's lines, Virgil quoting nearly all of Veronica's, Patton gasping at all the deaths. As the credits rolled and they realized Virgil had fallen asleep, and Roman realized that all the tension in his chest had eased. He loved his friends a lot, and they always knew how to cheer him up.

~~~

Roman returned the next day with a bucket of cat treats, he was determined to make amends with the cat. Patton opened the door, obviously surprised to see him.

"Roman!" He said.

"I've come to apologize to the cat."

Patton ushered him in. "well come in then. Virgil's at work, but maybe that will help. I think Midnight's in the living room."

She was sitting right next to her scratching post, looking out the window. There was a tree right outside their window that had a bunch of squirrels around it. It was September, so they were scurrying around gathering their nuts.

Roman walked over, taking a couple of treats out of the bucket. He crouched down when he got a few feet away from her and held out the treats. She only give him attention when he started clicking his tongue.

She turned her head, gave him a slow once-over, and turned back to the window. Roman moved so he was sitting cross-legged instead of crouching uncomfortably. Fine. If she was wanting to play the waiting game, he would win.

That lasted a total of 90 seconds until he got bored. He threw the treats in her general direction and got up, going to sit on the couch next to Patton.

"You just need to be patient." Patton said. "She'll warm up to you eventually."

Roman huffed and leaned back into the couch cushions. "Patience isn't exactly my strongest trait."

Patton sighed. "oh dear. I do hope she likes you eventually. I wouldn't enjoy it if mine and Virgil's child and one of my very best friends disliked each other."

Roman felt his eyebrow quirk involuntarily. Ever since Patton accidentally confessed, Roman never missed an opportunity to tease him about his crush on a certain embodiment of a dark and stormy night. He turned toward Patton and put his chin on his folded hands. "So you now have a child with him?" He asked.

"I mean yeah. He found her and brought her home, and we're taking care of her together. It's basically like we have a kid." Patton said, a slight blush already creeping up his face.

"Practicing for something?" Roman teased, earning a light smack on his wrist.

"Oh hush." Patton giggled.

"Perhaps practicing for when you have actual human children with a certain someone?" He kept pushing.

Patton burned red now, nervous laughter continue to spill from his lips. "Oh now really, I'm telling you to zip it."

"C'mon Padre, why haven't you told him?" The mood changed very quickly. Maybe he shouldn't have asked that.

Patton wrapped an arm around himself and averted his gaze so he no longer was making eye contact with him. He took a deep breath. "because I'm, I don't know, scared?"

Roman sat back up. "Scared of what?"

"His reaction? I know logically that he wouldn't react badly, but there's always that fear, you know? I don't want to lose him."

"But what if you not confessing is the reason that you lose him?" Teasing aside, they didn't really have that many serious moments where he could talk about stuff like that with Patton.

"There's too much of a risk. I can't, Roman."

"But what if-"

"Roman! Please." Patton finally looked him in the eye for the first time since the conversation turned serious. His eyes were filled with desperation, sad enough that Roman knew immediately he had gone too far.

He held his hands up in surrender. "Alright, alright. You're right. I went too far. Sorry." They sat in silence for a while, both watching the cat, who was watching the squirrels. Roman was desperate to salvage the situation, he didn't like leaving his friends on a bad or awkward note.

"Are you doing anything today?" He asked finally.

Patton shook his head. "No. I was planning on getting some writing done, but I've already reached my word count goal for today."

"Do you want to go to the art museum? I'm off today."

Patton hummed in thought for a second. "Sure! I've just gotta feed Midnight first."

Roman jumped up at that. "That's it!" He shouted, startling both Patton and the cat. "That's how I'll get her to like me! I'll feed her."

"That's a good idea." Patton got up and walked into the kitchen, Roman following. He grabbed a can of wet cat food, a pale pink food bowl, and a can opener. "Just put the food in the bowl, break it up a little, and set it next to the water bowl."

Roman held the can opener in his hand and stared at the closed can of food. He continued to stare for a while, too embarrassed to admit why he hadn't started you.

Luckily, Patton was good at reading people. "You don't know how to use a can opener." He said simply. Roman nodded. "Well, here, I'll teach you."

Patton quickly explained how to use the opener, Roman watching intently. He knew he was way too old to not know this, but he just didn't use a lot of canned food.

As soon as Patton cracked the can open, Midnight appeared in the kitchen, circling Patton's feet, yelling at him. Patton passed the can to Roman, who dropped the food in the bowl and set it down. Midnight approached cautiously. She gave Roman a dirty look before finally crouching down to eat her food.

Roman sat down next to the bowl and watched for a few seconds. Then he slowly reached a finger out and scritched Midnight's head. In a flash, Roman had another cut on his hand and Midnight was hiding behind Patton's legs.

Roman sighed and stood up. "Well, let's try again later."

Patton smiled at him. "Let's go."

They had lots of fun at the museum. The two of them were never people for staring at art and looking for meaning in them, Logan refused to go with them to museums for that reason. Instead, they wandered the halls, chatting casually, occasionally making jokes about the art on the walls, their attempts at hushed giggles getting dirty looks from a bunch of other people.

Roman did find one painting that spoke to him for reasons it couldn't explain. It was a portrait of a woman and two young girls, and something in one of the girl's expression stirred something in him. He stared at that single painting for way too long, until Patton pulled him away to make a dumb joke about a sculpture.

They returned home, spirits high, and Roman was so glad he had that impromptu day with his best friend. They were the first people to befriend each other of the four, and Roman loved Logan and Virgil to death, he truly did, but he sometimes missed when it was just the two of them.

Taglist (ask to be added or removed)

@whymustibedraggedintofandomhell @kosmicsides @ananonsplace @thatgaydemigodnerd @serenitythepanther

[popunktomlinson]

summer ‘19 fic rec

so i read a lot of fanfic this summer and mostly just made this for myself for reference but figured i would publish it if anyone wants some fic recs!! 

RE-READS

Young & Beautiful - Velvetoscar (227k)

Louis, to his horror, attends an elitist university in which the name Zayn Malik means something, Niall Horan doesn't stop talking, there are pianos everywhere, and Harry Styles, only son of a drug-addled, clinically insane ex-rocker, has a perfect smile and empty eyes.

Special Topping - LoadedGunn (13k)

'Who would even want so many pizzas so late at night?' Harry wonders before the door opens.

Oh. Apparently short guys with shaggy brown hair and a scruff and bright blue eyes and heart-stopping smiles. That's who.

Harry's not even ashamed of how he nearly drops all the pizzas. This guy is gorgeous and Harry hasn't noticed anyone like that in ages, let alone provided services to them. If he opened his mouth right now the only thing that would come out is, "By special topping did you mean my dick?"

Or, the AU where Harry delivers pizza and Louis really just wants Tim Gunn to spank him.

Do You Wanna - Randominity (12k)

"I got a question for you, mate," the lad says. "You wanna make a quick fifty quid?" (*PWP)

I Had The Life Of Ordinary, I Spat It Out - TableForThree (22k)

Harry Styles falls asleep a sixteen year old boy nervous about his upcoming X-Factor audition that could make or break his career. He wakes up a twenty-six year old man with a husband and two children, and no recollection of the past ten years.

These Inconvenient Fireworks - wontsitstill (190k)

Future AU in which nobody tries out for X Factor but the boys end up finding one another eventually anyway. Louis is a jaded bastard who owns a cat named Duchess and teaches drama to teenagers, Harry is an idealistic aspiring photographer/part-time footy coach, Zayn teaches English lit and wears leather jackets, Liam saves people from burning buildings, and Niall is Niall.

Red Brick Heart - hazmesentir (98k)

Harry has only had his room for thirty-two minutes when it stops being his.

Uni AU. Harry had turned up at the halls of residence expecting fun, new friends, and maybe a life experience or two. What he doesn't expect is a surprise roommate who's loud and dramatic and obsessed with tea and is maybe, actually, all he's ever wanted.

Unbelievers - isthatyoularry (136k)

It’s Louis’ senior year, and he’s dead set on doing it right. However, along with his pair of cleats, a healthy dose of sarcasm and his ridiculous best friend, he’s also got a complicated family, a terrifyingly uncertain future, and a mortal enemy making his life just that much worse. Mortal enemies “with benefits” was not exactly the plan.

Or: The one where Louis and Harry definitely aren’t friends, and football is everything.

NEW READS

As You Are - Zarah5 (139k)

AU. Five years after The X Factor launched his career as a radio host and songwriter, Louis Tomlinson returns as a judge. Falling for a contestant is the last thing he needs. It's also against his contract.

rivers ‘til i reach you - embodied (29k)

AU. Louis studies astronomy; Harry studies Louis. They spend their summers on the water and it shouldn't be complicated (spoiler: it is).

Born to Make You Happy - objectlesson (25k)

Harry makes a quiet vow to himself that he will be the very best girlfriend Louis has ever had, even if he never actually gets to be Louis’s girlfriend.

Swallow The Knife - whoknows (76k)

“You came,” Louis says, still breathless, clinging to Harry, uncaring that his sweat is getting all over Harry’s presumably clean dad shirt, or that he’s making Harry hold up all of his weight.

“Of course I came,” Harry says. He shifts, one arm curled underneath Louis’ arse, the other spreading wide in the middle of Louis’ back. “If I ignored you every time you pissed me off we would have stopped being friends a long time ago.”

And That’s The Tea - 2tiedships2 (27k)

I’d like an Earl Grey with milk and sugar, please.

Or, the one where Louis loses his soulmate before even getting the chance to meet them, and he is in no way prepared for the kind of distraction his new friend Harry proves to be.

You Know It’s Christmas (My Heart Is Open Wide) - messofgorgeouschaos (21k)

In which Louis is a cast member at Saturday Night Live, and a past airport encounter comes back to haunt him before their Christmas episode.

blue is all i’ve ever really known - coffeelouis (5k)

In order to keep things "light and breezy," Louis and Harry have established a comprehensive set of rules which will ensure they don't screw up their professional working relationship with this date they're (finally) going on.

Absolutely nothing could go wrong.

[or, the BROOKLYN NINE-NINE AU that no one asked for and I wrote anyway]

Once Upon A Time - objectlesson (26k)

“M’not gonna half-ass our fake relationship,” Louis almost snaps, voice sharp with a defensive edge, like Harry wandered too close to a bruise with needy fingers. “Now kiss me again. We’re gonna make every shitty tourist here wish they had stayed in the Midwest. We’re gonna burn Disneyland down with our gay. ”

Harry shuts his eyes and opens his mouth, because he can’t fucking say no to Louis.

Or, a fake dating AU where everyone is lying and they happen to be at the Happiest Place on Earth.

Make Your Words A Weapon - HelloAmHere (36k)

There’s no single path forward from the connection, no truth other than the truth that the person whose words you carry is out there, an undefined something that you’re going to have to deal with.

In whatever way you can possibly deal with meeting the stranger who's always been there, and always been missing.

OR: Louis is a music critic, Harry is a rockstar, soulmates are destiny but no one ever said destiny was easy, music is everything.

Drawn to You - lulullawrence (8k)

It had started with Louis getting in trouble for coloring on himself when he hadn’t touched a felt tip pen the entire day. Through the years, the random drawings had evolved and changed. There was a period in sixth form when his soulmate must have gotten shy or something, because the drawings only happened after school hours and in places that others wouldn’t be as likely to see. The inside of his bicep, his thigh. A couple times he even had drawings appear on his ribcage. While he didn’t mind those few years, he did seem somewhat soothed when they began to appear on his left arm again. He’d missed them.

Or that completely self indulgent soulmates au that plays out in not always romantic ways.

i was getting kinda used to being someone you loved - werebothstubborn (8k)

Louis manages to look apologetic as he licks slobbery circles around Harry's palm until he lets go. “Pretend to be my boyfriend,” he says, dramatically gulping in as much air as he can breathe.

“I’m sorry, what?”

Even Your Honey Dew - objectlesson (9k)

It probably says something about Harry that he’s so obsessed with another omega’s arse.

Powerless (and I Don’t Care It’s Obvious) - objectlesson (4k)

“Oh no, Lou, don’t make me laugh,” he whimpers. His Ribena-purple mouth twists into a glorious, breakable shape, and Louis’s heart stops. He should not be getting turned on by Harry’s full-bladder discomfort, his little twitches, his hips-stuttering. And yet.

Only One at the Finish Line - objectlesson (9k)

“What don’t I know?!” Louis shouts, and then Harry is rounding on him, close enough that he can feel the heat of his body, the rage and the glory and the pain of it so close that it blinds him.

“I want to be another alpha’s omega,” is what he says, and it comes out like something reckless, something wild. Like he doesn't care anymore if Louis hates him or not, if Louis understands, he just needs to speak his truth aloud to darkness, to the slender pines that surround them like a jury panel.

Take Me Under the Blue - objectlesson (19k)

Louis hasn’t even seen his legs yet. He doesn’t know how they work or how long they’ll be. Maybe they won’t suit the rest of Harry at all, and he’ll have to grow into them or something. It doesn’t matter; Louis has loved Harry for a year with scales, so he can’t imagine wonky legs putting a damper on his attraction.

He supposes he’ll just have to find out. In the meantime, he wonders how the fuck he got here, in his squelching wellies about to save the love of his life from the sea and take him to bed and bang him for the very first time.

It’s sort of a long story.

Life Saver - objectlesson (30k)

Louis is a sweetheart punk with a theater background and a heart of gold, Harry is an inexperienced nerd who plays by the rules. Classmates, lab partners, and eventually friends, what happens when Louis knows he’s in love, but doesn’t know how tell Harry?

you are half of me (and I am all for you) - angelichl (24k)

One Direction, an obscure indie rock band, is about to embark on their first cross-country tour, living out of Louis' beloved van named Patricia.

Harry is in love, and Louis is oblivious. Or is he?

Featuring skinny-dipping in Texas waterfalls, getting lost in the desert, stargazing under the New Mexico sky, performing in front of crowds that grow in size each night, and falling in love on the road during the greatest summer of their lives.

say that you can see me (i’ll speak up i swear) - coffeelouis (20k)

“Well, it’s not like anyone really RSVPs,” Liam defends when Harry turns back to him, “No one takes Facebook events seriously.” Harry rolls his eyes, still finding it within himself to get annoyed in his moment of panic. Liam has been complaining about the lack of accountability Facebook events have bred in their generation since their freshman year. Harry glances back to the gallery entrance. Yep, still there and moving closer.

“But aren’t you guys friends?” Harry asks, trying to convey the urgency in his tone.

“Well, I mean, I talk to him when he stops by the office for supplies sometimes,” Liam reasons, “But I wouldn’t say we’re friends, exactly. Maybe more like, friendly acquaintances?”

[or, the liberal arts COLLEGE AU where Harry knows Louis as the best friend of the boy he has been hopelessly in love with for years now and Louis knows Harry as the boy he wished would look away from Zayn long enough to notice him.]

Let Our Hearts Collide - crinkle-eyed-boo (76k)

When Harry, a lonely transit worker, saves the life of the handsome commuter he's been secretly pining for, an innocent mistake results in Liam Payne's family believing that Harry is engaged to their son. In the Paynes, Harry finds the big family he's always longed for...and a love he never saw coming.

A While You Were Sleeping AU

Head Over Heels - Sasparella76 (26k)

Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles are both up and coming editors at Cowell Publishing. Louis thinks Harry is brilliant at his job and beyond gorgeous. It’s just a pity that Harry is also the most annoying man Louis has ever met.

just one look (and i fell so hard) - disgruntledkittenface (15k)

Harry has wanted to go to the Shubert Theatre ever since he moved to New York and lucked into a rent-controlled apartment just outside of the Theatre District. When he finally gets his chance, he hopes the night can meet his sky-high expectations. But the last thing he could have expected was the man seated next to him.

Golden Like Sands of Time - afirethatcannotdie (51k)

“You need to change this one,” Zayn says, pointing to number six. “It’s unrealistic. It needs to be something you can actually achieve.” “What’s unachievable about a summer romance?” Harry asks, offended. “Nothing, it’s just… what if it doesn’t happen?” Harry pouts. He can totally have a summer romance. It’s just about finding the right person. “What about… kiss a stranger?” "Perfect."

waiting for the tides to meet - anonymous (60k)

Soulmate AU. Everyone is born with heterochromia — one eye is their own eye colour, while the other is the colour of their soulmate's. It's only when they meet their soulmate for the first time that their own eyes match properly. After a hazy night at a frat party, Louis wakes up to blue eyes and the shocking realization that he had met his soulmate, without any sober recollection. Seven years pass where Louis comes to terms with the fact that he'll never know who his soulmate is. Then one fated summer, a beautiful green-eyed photographer arrives at Louis' workplace, with promises of endless laughter and a familiar feeling in Louis' heart.

Lightning Strikes Twice - dinosaursmate (104k)

Louis slipped his hand onto Harry’s thigh, snaking his fingers up and inwards. “I’m a big fan. You’re so talented, and I have to admit that I actually fancy you a bit.” “Yeah?” Harry reached up to push Louis’ fringe out of his eyes. “Well, you know, I like to try and be accommodating to my fans.” “You’re quite well known for that,” Louis whispered as he turned his head some more, their mouths an inch apart. “So I hear.” --- Rock star Harry Styles was nineteen when he met Louis, a groupie with a huge heart that Harry couldn’t quite shake from his mind. Fate granted him a second chance at the age of sixty, his washed up and lonely existence being transformed by a widower with a bookshop.

Make Tea, Not War - adventuring + howdoyouwhisk (20k)

"Hopeless, hopeless flatmate. Would you rather be with one of these guys?"

"Nope!"

Or: Louis attempts to become a better flatmate, much to Harry's dismay.

Ain’t That A Kick In The Head! - lesbianharrie + wreckingtomlinson (22k)

In which Harry’s a disaster gay who doesn’t know shit about soccer, Liam drinks too many blue raspberry Coolattas, Niall knows everyone, Zayn looks dead, and Louis is Not Happy about sharing his breakout moment with “Drunk Hawaiian Guy.”

Let Me Feel Your Heartbeat - angelichl (34k)

Harry is 98% sure Louis hates him. So he feels like his bewilderment is justified when the omega offers to help him through his rut.

Life At Shutter Speed - zarah5 (20k)

AU. Having landed a job modelling for an outdoor clothing catalogue, Harry certainly wouldn’t mind doing some extracurricular work for photographer Louis Tomlinson. Say, a private photo session? Yes, please? Good thing that Harry has ten days and three beautiful locations -- Morocco, Indonesia and the Swiss Alps -- to make Louis see just how good they could be.

stars are guiding me back - coffeelouis (80k)

Directing the first ever season of The Bachelor with a bisexual star is a huge career move for Louis. After throwing himself into his career, he finally has the opportunity to prove himself as a director with a unique vision.

For Harry, being cast as the first ever Bi Bachelor means finally putting his ex-boyfriend behind him and starting anew. He's taking a chance on finding love and determined to do it right this time.

Light My Morning Sky - withthethieves (54k)

The relatively cliché University AU in which Louis happens to be proficient in Philosophy, Ethics, and keeping his distance, while Harry is in need of a tutor to salvage his grade, and never passes up on a challenge; Zayn and Liam like to gaze wantonly across at each other whilst pretending to read Austen; and Niall is the precarious bond that holds them all together.

Saw It In Your Eyes - taggiecb (15k)

Harry Styles counts himself extremely lucky that he has landed such a great roommate. It doesn’t bother him at all that his new roommate is gay. In fact, they get along so well that they have formed an extremely close friendship that takes up pretty much all his free time. When Louis starts bringing a new guy home with him, Harry is surprised by how much it bothers him. Is he not as okay as he thought he was with Louis’ sexuality?

Push My Buttons - KrisStylinson (2k)

“Fuck off.” Louis leans into this boy’s personal space just to show how unaffected he is, even if it is technically a bluff. “My team’s winning.”

The boy crowds right back into him with a smug look, and that turns out to be their downfall—a large man to his left nudges his arm and gestures to the jumbotron, where Louis and fucking Newsboy are currently encased in a cartoon heart with the words KISS CAM burning brightly above them.

Paper Houses - allwaswell16 (11k)

When model Louis Tomlinson admits to having a celebrity crush on a very famous actor in an article in GQ magazine, he has no idea it will lead to anything. He definitely never suspects he will fall so hard and so fast for Harry Styles. When reality begins to interfere, their relationship is put to the test.

Not The Desperate Type -lululawrence (6k)

It sounded like the guy was actually moving furniture above him as he was sweeping now. Damn. Did Louis miss the seven minutes in heaven or was the guy angry because he didn’t even get that much pleasure today?

“I’m kinda afraid with the amount of noise he produces while cleaning that one day I’m gonna look up through my ceiling and be able to see him.”

“Tell him we wish him a better sex life and that we’re rooting for him if you do.”

Or the one where Louis' neighbor has a series of unfortunately short sexual experiences and Louis can hear every. Single. One.

Can We Talk For A Moment? - lululawrence (16k)

It was widely known that alphas were never as common as betas or omegas. It is believed the reasoning for that was safety for their packs. Each pack could only have one Alpha, and in order to keep order and make sure there was no mistaking who was in power, once the successor had been named, other alphas would be forced out of the pack.

Harry didn’t care for the reasons behind the phenomenon. In the end, it didn’t really matter. All he knew was he was the only alpha within about a thousand mile radius, and he was a complete and total disappointment.

Or the one where Harry is a shy, nerdy alpha, Louis is a loud omega punk, and there's more to both of them than their reputations.

UNFINISHED

awake and unafraid - you_explode (102k) - UNFINISHED

It's 2007, Harry's seventeen, his favourite band is My Chemical Romance, and he's in love with his best friend.

Peaches and Cream - seducedbycurls (65k)

The study was to see if two strangers could live together for a month and fall in love.

“We are a new organization working to prove that love can do extraordinary things.” “You will do everything together & you are not allowed to leave the resort for the whole month.” “We want to prove that opposites attract.”

Louis is allergic to peaches, Harry smells like peaches. Louis just came for the money.

Take Me As I Am - lovelarry10 (118k)

“Suppressant? But… why would I need a suppressant? Alphas don’t take suppressants.”

“You’re right, they don’t.”

Secrets. Lies. Deception. Betrayal. Self-discovery.

Alpha. Omega. How far will they go to hide the truth?

Mirror Touch - pinky_heaven19 (58k)

“You know I can see colors in sounds, right?”

Harry nods, confused as Louis knew he would be.

“Well, I have another type of synesthesia, called mirror-touch. Have you heard of it?”

Harry shakes his head, and Louis can feel the tenseness in his shoulders and jaws slacking a little at the unexpected topic.

“It means I feel what other people feel. Literally, all the time.”

OR the one where Harry owns a second-hand clothing store, and Louis is a radio host. Louis has mirror-touch synesthesia, which makes him experience what people around him feel. He feels a lot around Harry.

[bluerosesburnblue]

Liz Liveblogs Bravely Second: Chapter 5, Part 2/2

And now for the actual story of Chapter 5: This is Our Coup de Gravy!

There were... so many Coup de Gravies in this chapter. Too many. It seems like everyone had one

You know, thinking about the Sidequest Roundup last time, I don’t think I’ve ever said how much I love the way Bravely handles obtaining jobs. It would be so easy to just hand you a magic job crystal at different story beats, but no. You have to fight someone using the job you wish to obtain. You have to figure out how it works and overcome its abilities at their most powerful before you can use them against others. It serves as both a neat tutorial for how the job works, since you’re on the receiving end of most of its attacks, and proof that you deserve to have the job since you overcame its user. It feels earned every time you get a new job. It’s kinda like how I feel about the Island Trials in Pokémon Sun and Moon, where you have to fight a difficult boss of a specific elemental type, and once you do you gain the ability to use the strongest move of that type. I dunno, I just really like this trend in games of proving your worth for the skills you gain by besting them in combat

Anyway, let’s head on to the Harena Sea Caves to stop Geist from performing his heist

You could absolutely stab a man with that compass

Oh, come on, Edea. When did you get possessed by Rev? Just now? When we walked in? How long have you secretly been a ghost child?

Heyyy Templar Braev to the rescue! TBH, I’d stop running if Edea’s dad was staring me down

Wait... Geist didn’t recognize him until he said his name? Dude, like, even NPC #67 knows Braev, get with the program!

I wonder if the exploit I used to insta-kill Rev the first time will work again. I also wonder if Geist might be able to undo that

Oh, it’s backstory time. Geist left his ill son because he got called to do an exorcism in a foreign country. I guess he was probably a priest, fitting with the Bestiary tidbit of his name, Grace, being given to those respected by the Orthodoxy. But the girl wasn’t possessed, she was sick. Patient Zero for the Great Plague. And she was taken onto his boat because she wanted to go home one last time. But she was used to spread the disease around. He still blames himself for what happened and wants to make up for both spreading the Plague and his botched attempt to revive his son

Geist may be the bigger problem with his Undo abilities, so I’m gonna focus on him

Rev actively refused to move on because he loved his daddy and didn’t want to go without him. Ohhhhh my god, kiddo, that’s so sweet in a morbid way

Stop being dramatic, Geist. Best timeline rules dictate that we’re keeping you alive. You’re not dead. Relax

Undo HP after Rev possessed someone does work, it just took him until he was about halfway down to start possessing people

This poor kid’s in a tough spot. I don’t expect him to understand the full implications of “rewrite time to fix things.” He just thinks they’re gonna make everything better. He doesn’t understand the Butterfly Effect, and how it’ll erase the future. He just thinks what he’s doing will make his dad happy, so he’s gonna do it

At least we got through to Geist. Changing the past could wipe his son from existence. A second “death,” if you would. And harming Rev is the one thing he could never do

Now that is a cute hug. even if it’s between a man drenched in blood and the ghost of his son possessing armor that’s a full head taller than him

And Geist does know Braev... but on a personal level. Braev was a young priest back when he worked with the Orthodoxy

And there it is. Geist sent a warning back, which allowed them to gather a team of physicians to find a cure. The Plague would have been much worse without that warning, but all Geist can see are the people who died in the first place

And he finally gets some closure. His son doesn’t care that he’s a ghost in a suit of armor, he’s just happy that he can stay with his dad. And his actions did save plenty of people. It’s just that the guilt has been crippling him for years. Now that he’s free, he’s allowing himself to be arrested for crimes of the present, and no longer for assumed crimes of the past

I really appreciate Edea’s speech to Rev here. She talks about how she used to blindly believe everything her dad told her until the events of the last game. It broke her heart to fight him, but ultimately, in doing so, she started to actually understand him instead of just parroting what he said. And when they met again? It was as equals, and their bond was stronger than it had ever been. So she encourages Rev to come up with his own ideas, try to understand his father’s, and then come together as equals. Truly understanding each other, instead of blind faith, because that’s the best way to support your loved ones. And she says this all in front of Braev, too, and the pride he feels towards her is so evident. It’s moments like this that make this game a great sequel. Edea’s come so far from the person she was at the start of the last game, but she’s still not flat in this one. Sure, the focus is more on Yew and Magnolia’s development, while Tiz and Edea had the brunt of it in the last game, but our returning party members are still growing, too, and it’s nice to see them in a mentor role

Phase 2 of Magnolia’s plan: use the compass to lure out the Kaiser. Unfortunately, it seems something’s come up on Kamiizumi’s end of this plan, so now we’re off to Florem Gardens to help

Also, I love how Kamiizumi is so useless with the pendant call. He can’t work the thing at all

On to Florem Gardens. Good to see my old grinding grounds are doing well. I’ll be back for more next chapter!

Aww, they called Edea’s dad with the pendant. It’s really nice to see them getting along in this game

Yew’s call to Norzen didn’t go half as well, though. Turns out Norzen, Braev, and Kamiizumi have a shrubbery group chat

Altair is now telling them about how he and Vega would call each other using cell phones and video phones. The more things change, the more couples keep talking forever on the phone playing “No you hang up”

Chill, Kamiizumi, I’m like, one screen away. We’ll be there in two minutes

Oh dear lord Angelo set up shop in the forest. And Aimee’s here, too. Time to beat her down using her own job I guess

So they think the last timeline was a dream, but Angelo’s memories of Aimee’s dying words spurred them on to being an actual couple. Also, they’re still gonna fight us, because definitely fight people who made you mad in (what you assume are) dreams?

Also, Aimee is literally from Florem Gardens. They met there. That’s why the shop’s there

Some neat tactics going on with them, with Angelo inflicting the party with fire weakness and then having Aimee use Firehead to give all her attacks fire damage. Not much else of note though

And Yew just totally hired them to open up shop in Gathelatio. Not... sure they deserve it, but I guess they were the least attached to the Kaiser’s plan in the first place

...thanks for all the help, Kamiizumi

Oh good lord there’s so many cats here. I see where this is going. We’re gonna have to take on Minette, aren’t we

Kamiizumi’s cat’s here. Forgot that was a plot thread

Hide the compass in Sagitta? With how easily Geist got in? I don’t know if that’s the best plan

Ah, I see. We’re feeding the cats false information to report to Minette, who will lead the Kaiser right into our SP Cannon’s blast. Not a bad plan

Of course Tiz is “all catted out.” He’s been my dedicated Catmancer for a long freaking time

Alright, Elder Sirius. Time to shoot that Skyhold out of the sky

I appreciate Yew’s conviction in stopping Denys. He may be his brother, but he’s also gone (or about to go) too far. And I’m sure Yew feels responsible for it, since this all started after Denys lost his hand due to Yew’s mistake

Making Yew be the one to fire the cannon seems a BIT cruel to me, though

I can’t believe that plan actually worked

Minette’s gonna buy time for Denys, Janne, and Nikolai to escape, and they’re all treating it like she’s gonna die, but guys. We haven’t killed a single person this timeline. We have fought six of your people and the worst they got is prison! You really think we’re gonna kill the kid and only the kid?

You can see Denys actively fighting with his Big Brother Instinct to protect the kid. But he renounced that to be the Kaiser. Best he can do now is send the lion with her, just in case

Please. Child. Just stop the cat puns. You keep making it so tempting to actually kill you

Okay, I know this kid was experimented on and crossed with cat DNA or something equally ridiculous, but her backstory and mannerisms REALLY say “I’m a cat who was turned into a human”

She became a cat to... please her mom? What? Why would her mom be upset her daughter WASN’T a cat? Did the experiment fail? Or did she just have a kid and go “you know, I should’ve just adopted a cat instead”

Holy shit, I was gonna say “not a hard fight” but then Minette got off a lucky full-party Catnap+RIP combo and totally wiped the team

Definitely sticking a Clothespin on Yew this time

I probably went about that in the dumbest way possible, but we beat her

Child! I will take you in if you just! Stop! The cat puns! That’s it! That’s all I ask of you! Maybe people are abandoning you because every time you open your mouth you make yourself as insufferable as possible!

Oh no Kamiizumi just adopted her. Dude... dude please break her of the cat pun habit

Hey! She’s not a cat! She’s a human who thinks she’s a cat! Stop telling her she can sleep in front of the fire all day every day! How about you freaking rehabilitate the kid and then send her to school like Gho

You are adopting a daughter, not a pet

Minette is one of the worst characters in this whole series. I can’t even muster any sympathy for her because all she is is a GIMMICK with a cute face. She isn’t even a character! She’s just the human embodiment of cat puns! And I hate it!

So Norzen, Rifa, and Pudgius just enchanted a crystal to trap the Skyhold. Guess we’re storming it again already, huh? I’ve gotta say, after the Empire being constantly one step ahead last timeline, it’s nice to be the ones in control for a change

And Norzen knew Minette’s mom. He was working to make a cure for the Plague. It killed so many that it mostly died down, but they saw that it was going to make a comeback, even worse than before. Minette’s mom noticed that no cat got infected, so she used them as the base for her vaccine, and tested it on herself. And died. But not before giving the vaccine to Minette, who the scientists took in and studied, and in doing so found the cure they needed to stop the Plague for good. Nope. Still feel nothing for Minette. This is a half-assed justification for making a Walking Gimmick. Minette could be deleted from existence and I would not care and it is entirely to do with the fact that her entire character is Cats™ and Abandonment Issues™ with no further substance

Back to the Skyhold. The big diamond in the center is looking quite a bit worse for wear now that the SP cannon landed a direct hit on it

I hate this stupid dungeon and its useless map that does a really awful job of showing how platforms overlap

On the way back to where we fought Anne. Everyone’s treating this as a point of no return, but I’ve gotta wonder about that considering there’s three jobs, one summon, and several more Catmancy skills left in locations that I can’t access yet

“Regrets... are like rutabagas - far better overcooked than left untouched in the pantry.” Altair I have never eaten a rutabaga in my life, your metaphor is lost on me

Oh, we’re finally going to hear about Vega. Good, I was looking for a reason to be invested in Altair and his story

Wait... Altair’s from the Celestial Realm? Does that make him a Celestial? Does he know the Celestial/Player from the first game (and probably also this one, since I’m assuming it’s the same Celestial guiding the party both times)? ...is he aware that I’ve been making fun of his metaphors and the way he pronounces his name for a while now?

Vega was his wife. A great Calamity befell the Celestial Realm, so they planned to take a ship and flee to Luxendarc... but Vega never made it to the ship. Altair didn’t realize she wasn’t onboard until after the ship had left on its one-way trip to another dimension. He doesn’t say it outright, but he probably doesn’t even know why she never made it or if she’s even alive anymore. He never said goodbye to his wife. He wasn’t expecting to need to. The last time he saw her was never supposed to be the last

Since a female voice narrates the ends of chapters, and what seems to be Altair’s theme plays there, I can only assume that that’s Vega. I don’t think she’s THE Celestial that guides the party, but I do wonder if the two know each other and The Celestial/Player is showing her what they’re seeing. Or maybe just intercepting messages from her

Yeah, I’m sure this is a “final” battle and your backstory is entirely irrelevant, Altair. The Kaiser is definitely the Big Bad, just like Braev was last game. Definitely

So I have Magnolia as a Black Mage and the brim of her hat is just barely covering her eyes. It almost looks like she’s trying to hide tears behind it, which is especially noticeable since she had the biggest reaction to Altair’s story

“With the right dressing, a simple piece of lettuce can become a salad.” Have you ever even eaten a salad before because it takes more than one piece of lettuce to make those. Otherwise it’s just lettuce with some sauce on it

Altair, we both ship Yew/Magnolia, but maybe lay off the kid a little? I know your romance went poorly, but I have no intention of letting these kids die. That only ever happens accidentally

“Give Tiz the pendant. ...I believe he has something to tell someone.” Agnès probably already knows... but I think they both need to hear it spoken. Two years can be a painfully long time to wait just to hear someone say “I love you, too.”

And all I can think of during this is poor Edea. I think she loves Alternis... but as a brother. The Alternis that she’s in love with, the one who grew and changed, the one she shared an adventure with, who she came to care for beyond their shared history but as an equal... well as far as she knows he isn’t in this dimension anymore. She’s already had her Altair/Vega situation, a goodbye that never was. Of course, if my theory’s right and one of the Alternises running around is Ringabel, then she may have another chance. But as for now... she just has to sit here listening to her new family get resolutions that have been lost to her

So I did end up grinding out the Bestiary entries for Skyhold just on the off-chance it was a one-time location and let me just say: Ranger Edea is terrifyingly strong and I love her

Dammit, Denys, just stay still so I can fight you, rip your sword out of your robot hand, and then steal your job!

Oh fuck OFF, Janne!

“In the end, you understood me. You’re a true friend, Yew.” Yeah, he’s a much better friend to you than you are to him. It’s a two-way street! So kindly take that newfound modicum of introspection and use it for something, you brat

So it’s a Janne/Nikolai dual boss as they cover Denys’s escape. My team’s level 65 and pretty damn tough at the moment, though. Nikolai’s gonna have a hell of a time trying to out-heal Tiz’s Exorcism HP Undos and Janne’s barely gonna make a dent with Yew’s Spellcraft-boosted Healing

“Now isn’t the time to wallow in sentiment!” Sure, Janne. “Stop thinking about the past!” Yep. Sure. You fucking hypocrite

Whaaaaaaat the fuck was that rumbling. What did you three idiots doooooo!?

Don’t know why Nikolai thought using Sacrifice was a good idea. Janne’s really useless on his own

Guys. We haven’t killed anyone this timeline. Stop being dramatic! We aren’t going to kill you. ...but you are going to prison for Mook #4′s death, Janne. You brought that one on yourself

“Only death can stop us” or some really good chains, you know

Atta boy, Yew. Don’t compromise your own morals for these idiots

“You can still change the world without destroying the past!” And that’s the crux of this whole game, isn’t it? What’s done is done. We’d all like to go back and change things. It seems like it would be so easy to erase the mistakes of our lives... but things aren’t that simple. How much good can come of the bad? If the Plague hadn’t happened, a cure never would have been developed, and the technologies and medicine that arose from it can be used to great benefit in the future, and so on. This is a game about accepting the bad and moving on. Working not to undo your mistakes, but fix them and be better the next time similar situations arise. And as someone who struggles a lot with self-blame, that’s really powerful to me

“But... what about my revenge!?” Oh. MY GOD!!! I get that you’re 16 and moral complexity seems to fly right over your head, Janne, but have you listened to nothing this entire game!? I actually hate you more than Minette, and she makes insufferable cats puns every. Fucking. Sentence. I swear you two are the worst goddamn characters in this game. Give. It. A. REST

Oh, so Janne’s motives are entirely selfish, too. Because according to him, he’s not looking to see his family again. He’s not looking to bring back his parents because he loves them and thinks they deserved better. No, he just wants to undo the years of emotional suffering and living on the streets he had to go through in the aftermath, and he’s taking it out on everybody else

God, fuck, why do people like this character!? Is it because he falls into the “tortured-but-physically-attractive character with a tragic backstory, so even if they do awful things they’re sympathetic so I can change them (or have the other participant in a ship with them do so)” archetype? Because fuck that archetype, it’s been romanticized to hell and back and I have literally always hated it. I’m not shy about my distaste for Kylo Ren in the new Star Wars films, a certain villain from Pokémon Sun and Moon, Merula Snyde in Hogwarts Mystery, and I’m certainly not shy about my distaste for Janne Balestra, the most self-centered brat in existence still trying to pretend that just having a tragic backstory somehow justifies all of the shitty things he’s done in this game, with no effort to make amends on his part. People don’t deserve to get off with no consequences like that!

“What am I supposed to do!?” How about you grow the fuck up, listen to what we’ve been telling you this whole game, and stop taking your frustrations out on everybody! Get a therapist! Open up an orphanage or something so other kids don’t end up on the street like you! You’re the one who decided that rewriting time and killing anyone with even the slightest connection to the Balestra deaths was the way to handle this. Honestly, your lack of direction is not our problem to fix now that that’s out the window. The only thing Yew’s obligated to make right is his relationship with Denys

Oh, nice! Yew’s gonna hand control of the Crystalguard from House Geneolgia to the Orthodoxy. That won’t stop corruption entirely, but I’m sure Agnès will make good use of being able to control the knights sworn to protect her and her faith

And the other Houses in control of the guard are in agreement. Enough of using the Crystalguard as a tool against each other, now we’re letting Agnès decide. One, unified voice in the organization, instead of the warring factions it’s been made of

And Braev, Goodman, Norzen, and Lotus will help out, as counterbablances to Agnès, representing the needs of the four Continents (with Crystals on them. Sucks to be Caldisla, I guess)

Yew’s finally figured out who he is and what he wants out of life. He’s not just the kid following Crystalguard orders or filling in for Denys out of a sense of duty. He’s seen the corruption and he’s going to work to change it. To make the organization he was told was his to inherit into something worth inheriting. Something to be proud of. And now, he’s not doing it alone. He sounds just like a certain blonde in our party...

And Nikolai and Janne agree to help us... without even the slightest hint of an apology from Janne. Fuck you, just leave the story already

And Denys’s in the Geneolgia mausoleums beneath Gathelatio. Time to kick some sense into big bro’s ass while surrounded by the corpses of our ancestors?

I can’t help but notice the game’s letting me walk around but still hasn’t addressed the shaking during the fight. I get the feeling there’s another boss coming and it isn’t Denys

I got off Skyhold and literally nothing happened, but I don’t think that’s the end of the rumble shenanigans

Ah, making use of that tiny door next to Yew’s house. Down into the Crypts we go!

I love how Alfred’s first thought upon seeing Nikolai and Janne is “Hey, it’s you jerks who betrayed Yew! Get lost!”

And we didn’t even need Alfred, because Denys left the door open instead of locking it behind him, as would be smart. Though in his defense, the only people he’d want to stop could just use Alfred’s key, and Denys doesn’t seem like he wants Alfred to know who he is just yet so it’s safer to leave his old butler alone than sneak in and grab the key

Denys has the other key because he told Alfred he wanted to lay flowers on his mother’s grave before he was exiled. So even if her son wasn’t the favored heir of House Geneolgia, they still had the decency to bury her with the rest of the family

I love how Alfred really loves the Geneolgia kids, more than even their father. He doesn’t want to believe that Denys is the Kaiser, it seems so out of character for the boy he knew, but when it’s Yew saying it... how could he not believe?

No, Yew, let Nikolai and Janne turn themselves in to the police. I know you still hold some affection for them (despite how much Janne doesn’t deserve it) but they totally committed some atrocious crimes and need to atone in some way

“A crime is a crime. How can we hope to reform others if we cannot admit our own trespasses?” And that, right there, is why I have sympathy for Nikolai and not Janne. He’s willing to admit he did wrong, and willing to attempt to make it right. Janne may be going along with him, but he still hasn’t apologized and is throwing a minor fit about explaining himself. His behavior is beyond unsympathetic, no matter what his backstory is, and his “reformation” comes across more like he’s just doing it to please Nikolai. Like when a child begrudgingly apologizes because their parents told them to, but you can hear it in their voice that they don’t mean it

The Geneolgia Crypts. The location of the final summon, one of two remaining places with Catmancy skills... and the last story-mandated asterisk. Time to find Denys

I know it plays in a lot of locations, but I love the music in the Crypts, “Dungeon of the Nature.” It’s somber, but grand. Soft, not bombastic, but still powerful. It’s great, I’d recommend people look it up if they haven’t heard it yet

Why are there instant-kill rabbits in here

Also can’t help noticing that the other enemy types are female mummies and ghost knights. Doesn’t seem like the Geneolgia family is really at rest, does it?

So it’s a maze, where I have to light each crystal to unlock the door, huh? Not too complicated

Susano-o Obtained! He’s been changed from non-elemental to Dark, but it’s otherwise our same old friend from Default

I find it bizarre that Amaterasu is listed after Susano-o, despite unlocking earlier. I suppose most people would run into Susano-o first, since there’s literally nothing out by Amaterasu’s anchorite and no reason to go there

I also appreciate that the two “strongest” summons are named after sibling gods from Shinto mythology, though I do wish there was a Tsukuyomi to go with them, considering the abundant moon symbolism in this game

Ah, is Yew’s fear of ghosts from being down here as a kid? He says he came down to bury his father and pay his respects, but he doesn’t remember it well because he tried to forget. He didn’t want to remember how lonely his childhood was because of the emotional divide between Denys and his mother, Yew and his mother, and their father. Going off to school was his first taste of freedom

“It’s... perfect.” God, can we give Michael Sinterniklaas an award for just the delivery of that line?

Hey, Denys. Fancy seeing you in what is clearly a boss room. No hard feelings for what comes next, yeah?

OH MY GOD I put my 3DS down and the screen went black for two seconds. Scared the hell out of me I thought I was gonna have to play part of that over again

I can just leave the room. The stairs are right there. The game is letting me walk right past him and go... but that won’t solve anything, will it?

We stand at the grave of Foundar Geneolgia. Captain of the Crystalguard, first leader of the Three Cavaliers... and completely corrupt beyond belief, using his position to take out personal enemies by accusing them of being enemies of the Orthodoxy, all to keep his own power. Sometimes to gain more

This was the standard of House Geneolgia. Those who deviated, who tried to be better... what remains are unmarked gravestones. Still here, within the family, but shunned and forgotten. Even in death. Denied the opportunity to be remembered by the lives they touched and shackled by the legacy of a bloodline they were unable to escape. Lost to an underground cavern for eternity.

And that’s his goal. Denys, disgusted by his ancestors and bearing the weight of a bloodline he never asked for, planned to travel back in time and kill Foundar, erasing the entire Geneolgia line and their sins with it

He’s so caught up in his plan that he’s failed to see something that I think Yew’s already figured out: these brothers are the only members of the Geneolgia family left. They aren’t beholden to the laws of the family anymore, because who will enforce them? Each other? There’s no guarantee someone worse won’t spring up in the place of Foundar, but Yew and Denys together can take what their bloodline has been given and turn it into something worthwhile. Erasing the past is a gamble on a brighter present. Working together is a guarantee of a brighter future

*squints* There’s a single dead pixel on my screen right in the middle of Denys’s face right now and it’s driving me nuts

“So you, too, would slumber in an unmarked grave. We are more alike than I thought...” And you always have been. If you’d spoken openly to your brother, you would have noticed who he is deep in his heart. Someone who doesn’t care for money or power, who takes in and cares for others as if they were family, an idealist who wants nothing more than a better world for those they care for, even at the cost of their own life... You two make quite a pair.

This whole conflict probably could have been avoided if these two had the chance to be closer as kids. If Denys had a single family member to confide in... If Yew had someone to guide him away from the indoctrination of their father... The tragedy is that the only times they’ve been able to speak freely to each other... have been at the end of this game

It’s just a shame Denys wants to fight. He wants to be proven wrong, not just have his baby brother spout nice platitudes at him

Still, I warned this chinstrap-beard-sporting jackass. I’m going to RIP. THAT. SWORD. OUT. OF. HIS. DUMB. METAL. HAND!

(By which I mean I’m stealing the Chaos Blade, the only missable item as far as I’m aware, from him. I was just being dramatic about it so I wouldn’t forget)

No pretense of fighting “The Kaiser,” an untouchable force of nature. Now he’s just Denys. A brother lost to his own guilt. Flawed, human, and in need of a guiding hand to bring him towards a redemption I think he’s willing to start

Aaaaaand of course he has reraise

I mean... that’s a decent argument. If Denys goes back to change the past, he actually ruins the future because he’s given Anne access to the Holy Pillar

And now the party gets the Kaiser job. Almost like a spiritual relinquishing of the role from Denys

I assumed we’d be taking Denys home to rest. Can’t help but notice we took his coat, though. Really shows off the fact that Yew cut off his entire right arm, not just his hand 

Denys was always going to try and make a martyr of himself. It didn’t matter what he did, how bad his actions were, his final act, erasing himself from existence, was supposed to be his atonement. Now what does he do, living with the things he’s done and no easy end to absolve him of it?

It’s like the game thought I wouldn’t recognize Agnès‘s voice immediately

Agnès is willing to give him the chance to atone. Not forgive him outright, but a chance to earn that forgiveness. And why wouldn’t she? Agnès was once the puppet of a fairy herself, nearly driving the world to ruin with the goal of its salvation. Killing countless Duchy soldiers (and I know the game’s gonna act like the random encounter soldiers didn’t exist, but they did) in the name of her cause. Denys really is in the same position as Tiz, Agnès, Edea, and Ringabel were just two years ago

Denys really thinks all of his companions are dead, huh? “The only mercy I need is a quick death, so I may apologize face-to-face.” “Then come with me to the Sanctum.” We’re just gonna arrange a prison meet-and-greet with the other Glanz Empire higher-ups that we didn’t kill, just stuck in prison, and Denys’s gonna have a change of heart and join us, I can already see it coming

According to the Bestiary, Denys met Anne when the Great Chasm “disappeared” (where... did it go?), captured the Ba’al Diamante and seized the asterisks left behind in the crater, and then created the Skyhold using Diamante. So the Ba’al that the Sagitta thought they were firing on, and the one sealed within... is Diamante, which I thought was just the official name for the Skyhold when it appeared on the location intro card. I... I think I know what those rumbles from before may have been

Yew makes sure to note that everything he wrote was told to him by Denys, presumably off-screen. And there’s a little note that makes a similar point to what I did during the fight: his Bestiary entry is listed as Denys Geneolgia, not Kaiser Oblivion, because should anything happen, Yew wants him to be remembered not as the leader of the Glanz Empire, but as his beloved brother

“To meet those who sacrificed themselves for your cause... This is what you truly wish? Then let it be done!” I see you trying to be dramatic, Agnès, but let’s cut the man a break, yeah? Faking him out like this is just a bit mean. The look on his face is gonna be great, though

Yup! And Minette even got adopted with no jail time. Isn’t that great?

“I-I do not deserve...” Maybe not forgiveness, but no one has given you a second chance to atone yet. It’s about time we do

Okay, I know Braev was cutting his restraints, but it still looked like he slashed Denys across the back. Could you imagine if he had! “Grand Marshall! I meant cut his restraints!” “Oh. OH. Oh no. My apologies. I thought this was going somewhere else! Oh dear... someone call a healer! Nikolai!”

Family dinner! FAMILY DINNER! FAMILY DINNEEEEEER! Aw man, get in here, Agnès! It’s the whole dang team! Magnolia, Tiz, Edea, Yew, and Agnès all sharing some down time together is what I live for!

Aaaaaaand Agnès made it sad by asking if Magnolia’s gonna go home to the Moon when her work is done. Now Yew’s sad. And Magnolia’s sad

Denys, get in here! If the team’s willing to forgive and forget, well, I’ve been willing to with you for a while! Family dinner! Estranged older brothers and adoptive extradimensional aunts and all!

I am desperately in need of a reconciliation hug between Denys and Yew right now

“What do you say we go for a bath, Brother?” Or... you can make it weird, Yew. I feel like that’s a few steps past a hug

Just two bros chillin’ in a hot spring, five feet apart ‘cause they’re estranged siblings awkwardly attempting to reconnect

This is good for both of them, really. Just finally getting to chat it out, maybe air some grievances...

Denys never blamed Yew for what happened with his arm. It actually gave him the perfect opportunity to walk out on their father and never look back. One of his big regrets was that he never got to tell Yew that before he was forced to leave. He’s just glad they even have the opportunity to talk again. That he had the opportunity to finally tell his brother that he doesn’t have to bear that weight anymore

And now he’s giving relationship advice to his little bro... awww, that’s sweet, but I gotta wonder what Denys actually knows about romance. Like... at all

Denys’s just sitting here like “Oh this dense kid. It’s so obvious they belong together. Come on, Yew, confess. That’s gonna be my new sister-in-law, I can tell.”

Nothing like a GIANT FUCKING DEATH LASER IN THE SKY to ruin your nice chat with your brother, huh!?

Dammit, I knew Anne was suspiciously absent and yet I still overlooked her. I bet she used Sylvie to overload the Crystals and form the Holy Pillar

MMMMMMmmmmm Skyhold again. I’ve got... a bad feeling about what’s going to happen to Denys. Please don’t go Redemption Equals Death, please don’t go Redemption Equals Death he has so much potential...

Yew’s apologizing to Magnolia because she helped him repair his relationship with Denys, but he still hasn’t returned the favor in helping her defeat the Ba’al and save the Moon. God, I love this kid’s sense of honor

Oh, hey, confirmation that the Moon and Appleberry are still okay. At least until Anne does something again

I knew it. The Matriarch and Sylvie are here

Anne you fairy fuck get over here! I know you’re aware of my existence, you’re the one who asked me to play the original game!

“You’re here already? Not bad! You beat my estimate by fourteen minutes.” Not bad considering I took a day’s break before getting here. That estimate must have been pretty generous

She pulled an Airy on Sylvie and the Matriarch and convinced them to help her. Where the Fairy Flies, am I right?

“Denied!” Denys you ham this is supposed to be serious

Oh... I forgot that Anne sent Denys to the future instead of the past and he still remembers that

You didn’t realize she sent you to the wrong time!? How do you not notice the technology and architecture being way off?

She had no intention of sending him to the past. Of course not. Why would Airy’s sister have you invalidate all the work she had the player/Celestial do last game?

...Master?

Here we go. The freed Diamante, Ba’al that destroyed the Moon civilizations. And Magnolia’s freaking out, but her new family won’t have it! We avenge her people together!

Diamante looks freaking awesome. A diamond unicorn with a skeleton rider, with butterflies in her long, teal hair and shredded wings for arms.

And don’t think I haven’t noticed the background. A woman with a ponytail kneeling behind a chain-link fence, reaching her left hand out towards what appears to be a rocket ship flying off into the distance. The ring on her finger glinting every once in a while

A married woman left behind, longing to reach a ship... Vega...

Diamante, the diamond ring

Health doesn’t look too bad, but I’m worried about the 100% Mirror. Seems it even reflects physical attacks

It’s gone down to 60% after a round of attacks. Maybe I’ve just got to wear its shield down

It did... something to Tiz that prevents him from doing anything besides Default and Summon and brings its Mirror up for one more hit every turn, but this seems manageable. Turns out attack items count as hits to bring it down, so if I toss one out per turn it can’t do anything

I love the effect of the diamonds on the unicorn breaking away to reveal an electric interior

Reraise was to be expected at this point

They only make you fight it twice and it still revives at the end, but I think it’s poetic that I beat it while I had Magnolia’s theme playing thanks to her special being the second-to-last hit on it

Do what you did to the Moon? “Let the cleansing fires cover the world, and burn for three days and three nights!” Why so specific, Anne? It sounds like you’re quoting a Bible verse at me

You sound ridiculous, Anne. Tone the formality down a peg

“Yes, it is time I atone for my sins.” Denys don’t you fucking dare

Yew, do not give him the compass.

You are not taking this Ba’al to the end of time, young man! No! You aren’t allowed to pull a Redemption Equals Death on me

“I trust you. My sacrifice will not be in vain.” You don’t have to do this! I can keep this boss fight going forever! We weren’t even struggling! I’ve got the resources to keep trying!

Denys, please. You could be Party Member #5. You could have a well-written, non-copout redemption arc. Let’s think about this

God...

...dammit.

[itsnotresilience]

How to I Turned my Self Hate Inward and Outward AKA how to abuse everything you take for granted AKA how not to live while getting cancer treatment aka how to ruin your life

A reflection on 2009-2012

I want to be clear about a few things. I have no written record of this time period. This is all from my memory of this time frame which is frankly, not great. I was in the midst of cancer treatment and I would say in a psychosis level of depression and mania. I likely don’t remember events in the right year or right order so feel free to correct me.

My second husband had escaped to a life without me. He was going out with people I believed to be our friends with someone not new but not me. I had elected to stay because frankly I had nowhere else to go. I think that’s the lie i told myself then, that I had no other choices. There were other choices but I didn’t make them. My cycle was: treatment, sick, better so party, then fatigue and depression and repeat. Some stages of that cycle were longer term than others.

I started internet dating out of loneliness and rejection. What the fuck was I doing? I still don’t know. I think honestly I was erasing the rejection with these dates so I could feel wanted by someone. Most of them were nothing. The majority were nothing. A few I thought were something but they were jerks or saw my damage or were abusers. I did meet one good person and we’ll come back to him soon.

Anyway, I had also stopped eating for the most part, everything tasted like metal all the time. I would very stupidly drink which fueled days of very painful sickness. There were days I laid in my bedroom and listened to my husband romance someone else. It’s hard to acknowledge that I chose this road. There’s part of me that has blamed squarely my ex-husband but I could have made so many other and better choices.

Around this time my work was going through what I might say was the longest lasting reorg ever. It started in 2010? 2011? And finished in January of this year. I’m going to be careful here. Every however much time it was between, a group of folks would get laid off or redistributed. There were only two notaries at my work and I was one of them. All the impacted people had these documents that had to be notarized (FYI business owners with employees- this is unnecessarily humiliating) so they all came to my desk. Many of them were people I cared about. Watching them be treated this way added fuel to my fire.

I have to be really careful. I’m touching on things related to people I admire, love and care about. People I would walk through fire for. I still treated them badly because I treated everyone badly, including myself. I lied by hiding all my dirty laundry but I just wrote that and realize it’s a lie. People did know some of what was going on. Others were victims of my inability to get a grip on myself. There are parts of my heart and mind that are so sad about how I treated my friends. This is one of the hardest essays I’ve written because this all feels like it could have been yesterday.

I was traveling a lot for work, balancing my treatments and my lifestyle of secret internet men that I flirted with. Most weren’t anything but someone to make me feel less bad but there was always a time, everyday, that all the escape routes faded and I was left with me and what my life had become. I would get so panicked and upset it was like being swallowed by a fiery pit. All I could see was how terrible I was. I don’t remember most of my work trips but not because I was partying. Most of them I was not feeling well and was just trying to push through. This travel was an amazing opportunity career wise, to prove myself and what I could do. I can say now that I failed at proving anything other than I was a mess. Work was my one stability but even that couldn’t hold me together.

In 2010, I met a man who when I first met him struck me as someone also going through something. He had a great smile, a sparkle in his eye and was genuinely just a nice guy but I didn’t really want someone who was going to be nice to me because I didn’t deserve that and I was still married despite whatever was going on there. We went on two dates before I felt that I was too sick, mentally and physically, to pursue it. He felt too nice for someone like me. I moved on to other internet flings that were meaningless with most of them just adding more fuel to the self hate fire. In October, I got back in touch with nice guy. Inside I felt bad that we talked about each other’s dates and that I was lying to him about my marital status (but not the state of my marriage). I don’t know why I did that. Yes I do. That was a lie. I did that because I didn’t want to be rejected. I wanted to be able to move on like my ex-husband had. All that mattered to me was not feeling his rejection.

On that third date, I don’t know what was different. I can’t describe it. I looked up and fell for the guy. He seemed so normal. He seemed to have had some life experiences that created a normal set of ethical behavior. I was not that person but I valued that in him. We decided to see each other exclusively but I was still living with my ex who since 2009, while I was gone and sometimes when I was home, had his new friend in our home. I write this and think this is ridiculous. I don’t even understand what you’re doing Meghan!

In November 2010 a bunch of really bad crazy shit happened. I increasingly slept at my boyfriend’s, my other friends’ house who were stable, or my car. I once paid for a hotel room a few miles from my condo to not be in my house. I hosted some wine thing at work that I came home early from to find my ex and his friend having sex in our living room on our couch. I couldn’t do this whatever this charade was. I packed all my stuff or what I could and went to stay with my boyfriend. This was not my best decision of so many bad decisions. We weren’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for any of that.

My family had planned a trip to Hawaii to celebrate my dads retirement. It was already a catastrophe. My sister wasn’t going. My brothers marriage was near failure. I was not feeling well and would have to do a treatment before going. I spent most of that trip with my mom or my dad. My ex was there because he had a ticket because we were hiding our entire garbage from my family. My boyfriend and I fought the entire time. He knew I was there with my ex and so thought a reconciliation was happening. That was not what was happening. I spent every night in bed, in a separate bed, from my ex. He partied with my brother who I felt super angry at, that he was betraying me, although now I’m not sure how much he knew but definitely more than my parents. I missed my sister. I was sad that she was going through her own pain and her and I weren’t connecting. The highlight of that trip was a luau that I sat next to my father and a sunrise bike ride down Haleakala. I was not looking forward to going wherever home was.

In December, my boyfriend and I just started fighting more. My boyfriend knew I was hiding things from him and I’m not sure why I didn’t just say I’m still married. Yes, I do. I think there was a part of me that felt if I kept myself hidden, he couldn’t reject me. I was still also texting my old internet dating people who had turned into friends. None of them were anything except someone who could make me feel good (give me a compliment, flirt with me) if someone else made me feel bad. It was wrong. God I was so so wrong. My boyfriend would get jealous and distrustful and lash out by being controlling and then I would react to the controlling behavior by being even more elusive. I just kept spinning in this web of lies, reacting to him and sinking further into a mess of constant drama I was creating because I just didn’t care. I did care, but not enough. I would care too much about the wrong things. The wrong things would spin out of control blowing up the good things and then it would just keep going. As I started to feel better and enter remission, things only got worse in my personal life. I finally went back and got my cat and the rest of my things from the condo. I had to leave my cat Etta behind, who I adored. I almost grabbed her when I picked up Coltrane. It was heart wrenching.

Most of 2011 was travel, fight, repeat. I was lying to everyone and not feeling like anyone was going to be there when shit fell apart. I wouldn’t let anyone see the full picture. I saw all my lies as necessary to protect me from rejection and abandonment. I was a walking chaos. I don’t remember much of 2011 except a constant state of anxiety and my inability to control the chaos.

In May 2012 (I’m going to be careful here), my boss, who I admired and adored was let go. That broke something in me. It was the lighter fluid I needed to create a bonfire of anger. It was watching someone I saw as a good man be treated poorly. I walked into the office of his boss and asked why? Why him? This made no sense! I wanted to talk to whoever made this decision! Set them straight! To his credit, this man knew me so well he advised very strongly that I think it out and maybe not confront the other big boss decision maker. This is hard because I’m trying not to name names but many of those reading know who these people are.

So all those people reading that worked with me know what happened next. I totally did not take that very sage advice. I asked to speak to the big boss decision maker and I cheekily asked him to explain his decision to me, to help me understand why this other person was better than my boss. I told him it seemed like a dumb idea. I’m not sure what else I said but I likely cemented my future that day. I’m surprised I didn’t get fired then. I was later told that big boss decision maker told others that he was sure I hated him ( I did, but only because he embodied every person who had been an asshole to me) and it wasn’t even me this was happening to. It felt empowering to advocate for someone else. To his eternal credit my boss and mentor advised me not to go to bat for him anymore before he left, not to ruin my reputation and career over this. I really wish I had listened. I had no interest in working for the man who replaced him. I don’t care about being careful here. He reminded me of a used car salesman who sold lemons everyday. The other option was my old boss who, let’s just say, was not someone I admired.

I had to go Orlando, I think this was June 2012. It would have been a good opportunity for me to showcase my role and knowledge. I obliterated the opportunity. Let’s see. I talked to the other new boss and asked his advice for the future and shared my disdain for the decisions made and the treatment of employees, you know, the decision of choosing the man I was talking to over my boss? Are you uncomfortable yet? Then I went to drink with friends while my boyfriend madly texted me accusing me of lying and cheating. The drama sent me to my room where I flirted and complained to old internet friends basically cementing that while I wasn’t cheating, I wasn’t fully committed to doing the necessary hard work with myself or my boyfriend because I wouldn’t allow for rejection from anyone ever again. Our argument fueled an ugly break up call in the morning and I showed up hung over, crying, to a very important meeting. I proceeded to be extremely difficult in that meeting. I made a lot of bad comments about the company and its decisions. I questioned the facilitators objectives. What the actual fuck Meghan? I didn’t belong there, or anywhere or with anyone. I belonged in a psychiatric hospital or at the very least intensive therapy and under medication.

Anyway, I came home to the home I didn’t have and had to move out to a new place. My friends brought me some things I didn’t have anymore (I just had to replace the iron!). One friend took special care to help me decorate my new place and make it a home (I still have the vase!). I was terrified of being alone. I was terrified of what had happened in 2003 when I lived alone. I began partying extremely hard.

I was binge drinking. My boyfriend and I, broken up, just kept hurting each other and everytime he hurt me, I hurt him and myself. I would binge drink, find a man on the internet, and either met up or just participate in flirtatious activities. Everytime after, I would sit, empty, hating myself more and contemplate killing myself. I wanted to die and if I couldn’t die I would destroy myself. This kept escalating until July 4th when I tried to push the reset button and see some old friends. I wanted some normalcy. My ex-boyfriend and I got into a screaming match over the phone at my friends home. My friend kicked me out, saying she’d grown up in an abusive home and had had enough of my behavior. I never saw that friend again. I spent the rest of that day reconciling with my boyfriend, trying to come to terms with what I had created and him trying to get me to fess up to who I really was. It was very emotionally taxing and painful. It was all so unnecessary, all this chaos I created out of my own selfishness and pain.

At work, I was acting increasingly erratic. Boyfriend and I had a screaming match while I was inside the office. Did I not realize there was an outside? Or my car? I was called into HR and asked about the Orlando trip and told I acted poorly. I was asked to provide a list of what I was doing and pretty much told how replaceable and useless I was. About a week after that (which I’m assuming they spent finding people to do my work) I had a meeting set the day after Labor Day with HR and dude I was working for. It was torture (hey don’t do that to people-that’s dumb!) waiting to know what was going to happen. The day finally came and I was told I was losing my job but out of the kindness of their non-existent hearts they’d extend my healthcare through the six weeks of pay I was getting. They made sure to tell me it was not their idea but boss guy in Orlando who wanted to make sure I was taken care of (or I didn’t sue them so you choose). My friend who I worked next two everyday for ( 2 years? 4 years?) helped me pack. We were both crying and sad. I sent some emails to some of the best people I’ve ever met and adore today to say goodbye. They had all been so good to me. So many of them supported my career and taught me so much. I now realize how much I took them for granted.

I went home and my boyfriend took me out for dinner and drinks and I sunk into a very deep depression that I lived in for the next 4 years. I kept thinking about my destroyed life, all of my destroyed lives, all of my destroyed opportunities. It didn’t take me long to find another job. It was totally different-a chance to move into another industry and line of work. I ended up hating it but more so because I was still so fucked up. It also took forever for my relationships to heal. I did this. This was me. I live with this all the time. It has taken me a decade to come back from this period of my life and I still feel it. People don’t understand how you get stuck. People don’t know how the tapes of bad choices can play over and over. People don’t know this wasn’t my first chaos or my first failure. All I can see some days is an endless trail of heartbreak, deceit, bad behavior, and failure. All I can see is some version of damaged Meghan being awful. I don’t feel I deserve my success. I feel I’ve just been lucky. I squandered a lot of things others deserve and would be happy to have. I manipulated others in order to save myself from pain. I need to stop. This essay has to stop for now. I can’t take it. I need a break. Give me a break, brain.

Nearly a week later, I pick this essay back up and wonder what I can say, what I learned from all this. People do shitty things. I watch true crime on ID all the time and I’m never shocked on the capacity of humans to do crazy things. But why? But why? I was drowning. I was drowning in all the Meghans of past and present. I was suffocating in all the failures of my life. In these moments, it all felt like a joke.

Why do we destroy ourselves? Why do we hurt those we love? I can only say that my actions moved chaos forward while inside I waited for the implosion that would end me. I was hoping I’d be destroyed but also burying my pain. Self destructive behavior is selfish but it’s also a manifestation of internal mental health issues. It’s like hoarding, a physical, visual manifestation of some internal pain that needs to be buried.

Maybe you’re someone who reads this and thinks I’m terrible, manipulative, a liar. Maybe I am all three things. I’m at least a liar. I’m a liar who lies to protect myself and a liar who craves acceptance and love. My sheer will and drive has kept me afloat. The love of those who should hate me has kept me afloat. My rage and need to prove myself has kept me afloat. And all this past seeks to make sink.

Here is a secret I’ve stopped keeping. I’m plagued by envy, all the time. I’m envious of people with children. I’m envious of people who have romantic love-laden relationships. I’m envious of careers that happen earlier in life while I now am past my prime. I’m envious of prettier and skinnier women. I’m envious of people in good health. All of this envy spins in my head as my punishment. My inability to cope effectively with my life, my illness, my rejection. No one gives you instructions.

No one gives you instructions but everyone is there with an opinion when you fail. I cannot sit with this part of my life. It’s unbearable to me. I thought my life would be different. I thought I was a good, decent person. Nearly all the things I thought myself incapable of I realize am perfectly able to do. There’s no way to live with that everyday, that gross failure of your own standards.

Maybe now, you read this and you still don’t understand. Maybe you think I got away with it. Maybe you say karma is a bitch and I deserve my punishment. How much punishment? What type of punishment, for how long? Who decides these things? I can say that living with this version of me is so uncomfortable that I had a plan, previously described to you, to end it all before I turned 40. I think about escaping my past daily. My tapes: undeserving, ugly, lying, angry, awful, hateful play over and over. Even writing this is suffocating.

Maybe you’ve done something awful. Something you regret. Or maybe you’ve been mad at someone like me, someone who made mistakes and hurt people. All you can do is what I do. I have to see there’s some good in me. I have to live in a way that makes me redeemable. I won’t beg for pity, understanding, acceptance or forgiveness. I can only say that there is more to me, that I’m writing this despite my deep shame. I’m writing this for me and you and anyone who’s lived a very imperfect life that may be out there, torturing themselves with their failures.