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bokunoheroanalysisforthefuture · 4 years

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Alright, and I am back with another update! But first, some stuff a friend noticed in the first few pages and mentioned to me that I didn’t take in when I went over them on my own the first time:

The park they’re in as kids is pretty close to the apartment complex Izuku and his mom live in! Considering that said apartment complex is right there in the background. Which probably isn’t a huge thing, but a neat thing to note.

The age these kids manifest their quirks at seems to be more preteen / teenage years, though I don’t know whether that’s just because it is later activation or because there were (subtle) quirks before that, with the glowing baby just being the one that had people sit up and realize something was actually going on.

Endeavor ad! And it has the time of that event that day, too - 8:14 AM! I wonder what he’s advertising… or perhaps it’s a news report? An interview of some kind? It might just be a ‘breaking news, we got Endeavor on our channel’ sort of thing. The only part that I can read is the first three katakana for the biggest text, which is ‘E-n-de’ and matches the wiki’s katakana for ‘Endeavor’. If anyone can get a good enough look at the smaller text in order to tell me what the rest says, I would appreciate it!

Just a few things, but obviously I need to up my observation game if I want to catch all this stuff!

[No. 1 - Midoriya Izuku: Origin]

So now we’re at Aldera / Orudera Junior High, with Izuku’s class being in their last year before high school. Since Japan’s schools start on the second week of April, we know this has to be that first week of school, because Katsuki’s still 14 and his birthday is April 20th, which would almost always be the third week of April / second week of school.

What is that writing stance. You are going to have an old man’s back by the time you graduate high school. I mean, I wouldn’t know anything about that personally, cough cough…

Anyways! We get a look at Izuku’s class and their quirks, and what a collection. Also, with an attitude like that, no wonder this school is seen as bad, like, what the fuck dude. Not exactly a competent homeroom teacher, are you?

The ones that I can see, from leftmost row to rightmost row, are [1] floating hair, stretchy fingers, dark matter, [2] smokey arms, spike fists, stretchy eyes, frog throat, some sort of flash/illumination quirk, [3] rocky body, ???, stretchy neck, flamethrower arms, extra arms, [4] sharp hair, big chompers, wedge face, [quirkless], mouth face (seen in the next panel and holy FUCK new sleep paralysis demon), [5] horns, telekinesis, [explosion], buff bod, ???, [6] wind control, ???

WHY.

But yeah, this also establishes the first rule of ‘don’t use quirks in school’ thing that… also gets promptly ignored the several other times we see stuff set in this school. Which, what a shock, people sort of sliding around inconvenient rules.

Anyways, Katsuki has proven that he hasn’t changed since those first few childhood panels way back (checks) ten pages ago. And Izuku is being… very shy and trying to avoid drawing attention. But no shaking, particularly, just… wallflower mode, more like.

But yeah, Katsuki is not exactly on great terms with the rest of the class, who are rightfully pissed off at him treating them rudely and calling them extras. Though honestly, I’m surprised that they’re surprised he’s aiming for UA, it’s not like he wouldn’t have been obvious about that for, like, years at this point. You’d think they’d all roll their eyes and be like ‘yeah yeah we’ve heard this spiel before’ or something. IDK.

Oh man, and Izuku already KNOWS what’s coming, look at how he’s hiding his face!

Katsuki is, of course, Fucking Extra and hops on his desk, and gets right into bragging, where, AGAIN, this should have been stuff this class has known about for ages, why are they so shocked?? And huh, interesting, he’s not only interested in surpassing All Might, but also in being one of the richest people in the world. Wow, I cannot even with him, especially knowing he lives in this house in particular:

Which, it should be clear, is an EXPENSIVE lifestyle when most families live in modest apartments because of space being so valuable in Japan.

God this is a fantastic image. I wanna frame it on a wall somewhere. Hori managed to convey all the emotions in one face and I admire the man for it.

With the whole class laughing, there’s a thing I want to note that fandom seems to not pay attention to: they note that Izuku gets good grades! I’ve seen fics that basically have him forced to sabotage his own grades to avoid getting backlash, but like… no, I don’t think that’s actually a thing.

[Also an aside, we finally see one more class quirk, which seems to be some sort of bulked up arm? It looks a bit like mummy bandages, as far as I can tell.]

Izuku gets into defending himself, saying there’s no precedent, but he IS defending himself against them, so again, he’s not cowering as much as some people seem to think he does based on fics, and clearly he’s still willing to stand up for himself to some degree.

...then of course, Katsuki blows up Izuku’s desk and sends Izuku sprawling. And is pissed that Izuku apparently thinks he, who is quirkless, can somehow be on the same level as Katsuki. Izuku swears up and down that it’s not about Katsuki, that he just really wants to try, and this somehow pisses Katsuki off even more.

I want you all to remember this image - save it on your computers, bookmark this post, whatever you need to do. We’ll come back to it in, oh (checks watch) about 284 chapters. Or maybe sooner in a separate post where I can put it under read more and avoid spoiling people more than this does. Because DAMN can I gush on this moment.

Anyways, we have a change of scene, right after noon, with a thief with a sludge transformation and,,,,,,,, legs and pants,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Where the fuck did those pants go, sir. Sir. What the fuck, sir.

Also, we get our first meeting with the OG dad, the sunflower man himself, who blooms into 255 kilos of muscle in one panel. Also, man I forgot about the fucking giraffe neck Hori used to draw him with, holy heck, why are you so l o n g.

L O N G.

...right, anyways, back to the school, which is apparently over for the day. The rest of the class is heading out, and Izuku’s back to his chipper self, even humming a happy note as he grabs his notebook-

Before Katsuki nabs it from his hands. There are a few people who’ve hung back who notice the title and pick fun at izuku, so I guess Izuku actually… doesn’t talk about his desire to be a hero that much in middle school, if the others are all so surprised about it. He apparently doesn’t even make his notebooks obvious to them, since this is the first time any of them seem to be seeing it. Which I mean, it makes sense if the class will tease him for it, but like. Even with Katsuki stealing the book, Izuku’s not super panicked or having a nervous breakdown.

But yeah, Katsuki just blasts the book, but! It’s just the cover singed (and edges) when we know he could have demolished that book entirely. Again, he’s definitely being a bully and a jerk here, but he’s got way more self-control than fandom likes to assume.

Izuku’s upset because of his damaged notebook, and Katsuki just huffs and throws it out the window while saying he’s gonna be the only kid from Aldera to go to UA. And Izuku, EVEN WHILE STRESSING, thinks of him as vain for thinking that way! That’s not the first thought of someone too terrified to do anything.

Edit: As pointed out to me in [this post], it was Katsuki’s crony who was thinking of him as vain, not Izuku. My bad!

Also note the lack of damage to Izuku’s school uniform. I know I’ve seen fics where there’s a hole made and a burn scar left that Izuku has to tend to, but Katsuki, again, has not directly used his quirk against Izuku. We’ve never seen it, just the smoke and flash used for intimidation. I’m getting more and more confident that Katsuki has never actually used his quirk against a person, which I’m probably gonna get a bit more into during the battle training in a few chapters.

But yeah, the cronies / extras basically call Izuku lame and that he can’t face reality. And then we get this scene:

That’s not the face of someone afraid. That’s Izuku’s determined face.

Izuku is about to stand up to Katsuki again. The way he always has, the way he always will. There has never been a point in the series where Izuku has NOT stood up to Katsuki when he feels it matters, and that’s part of the reason Katsuki is so pissed with him every time he does - because Izuku REFUSES to see his place! Not once!

(Please, for the love of god, respect the Izuku who didn’t need a quirk to stand up to others. Who isn’t ‘broken’ or ‘terrified’ of Katsuki or anything like that. He’s a stubborn kid and we Stan That.)

Izuku, however, is not confident enough in this situation to want to press the issue, so he relents and says nothing when Katsuki prods him to escalate things. And then we immediately get to the ‘you idiot, don’t fucking suicide bait!’ but you can tell it’s been a stressful few moments for him.

So yeah, the summary of this section is ‘Izuku is not an uwu suffering babey, and Katsuki is way more restrained than people seem to think.’

I’m cutting it off here since, again, we got a lot of info and character examination, and honestly this whole chapter is a long ass one (55 pages!!!!) and it’s establishing the entire setting from the ground up. And honestly, I’m just vibing in being Right about how I’ve been viewing the characters at the start of the series… even if i am guilty of sometimes playing with fanon for my own means…

Still, this is fun! Hopefully y’all are having fun too!

#chapter 1 #opening arcs #readthrough #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #yagi toshinori #we respect canon characterizations in this household #I love how hori handles characters and I will definitely be taking notes through this #this time with the formatting done BEFORE I post it

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spacejew · 5 years

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Doctor who spoilers, beware

Okay holy fuck that episode

also so so sorry for all the typos, not used to their keyboard and too sleepy to correct them all

Some quick comments (and then my THEORIES)

- first of all very fun episode I was SO INTRIGUED

- good ass vfx

- absolutely adore the gang and their irl consequences of doctor travels. Maybe this season they have to rethink their "easy" choice to travel with her?

- I was loving the mystery but. As soon as master reveal I'm now very worried that the explanation to these mysteries won't be as satisfying? I was so pumped for a brand new, totally original serious threat , and suddenly the master being involved kinda dampens that. You know? I hope it still ends up being super creative and cool and satisfying

- the last five minutes left me confused straight up. Where'd the Vor guy vanish to? The house ourside the plane? Did they like. Teleport? Was it like, evidence of a weird simulation type of thing? Just a little lost, I need to rewatch. (Edit: OH the house was flying, probs the Masters TARDIS then, got it)

- must reiterate, GREAT ACTING AND DIALOGUE, I love team TARDIS holy fuckkk my babes. Ready for some juicy juicy conflict.

Okay theory time bitches

- they are Inside the Masters TARDIS!! Too many references to our beloved TARDIS being insanely gigantic on the inside. Karaoke buses? Water slides? Rainforest?? Chibs is hitting the audience over the head with "the TARDIS contains multitudes". It would make sense as a reminder or foreshadowing that either the whole episode or some portion like the evil dimension being actually inside the Masters TARDIS, all part of a simulation of some sort. Hence weird happenings, and a dampened sonic, and things breaking into thirteens TARDIS. "Everything is a lie", so everything may or can be fake and simulated by the Masters TARDIS

- alternate universes, an obvious one based on that alien code decyohefing projection bit. Like, duh, multiple Earths means multiple Earths, doc.

- the master is either: from an alternate universe himself, or at least a master before Gomez . I loved Missy and her character development was a real emotional journey for me. I would hate it to be neglected or retconned. An earlier master would be interesting, and respect Missy's death.

- the Light Aliens exist in some kind of computery way. All that talk about Vor and data and technology? They say they blipped around those windows like lights on a server or visual code computations? That evil dimension Yaz was in being full of stuff that could either be DNA strands or Data cores or like giant neural pathways? With the light aliens manifesting as electrical pulses running through them? Very evocative of brains/computers. Either they're projections of code, or exist as energy and have a computer hivemind going on, I think it's their big "thing". Also lends well to the simulation bit.

- obviously parallels to The Army of Ghosts, Cybermen, alt universes, etc. But personally, really hoping it's completely unrelated aka definitely not Cybermen. Even though the shaped do fit? But A. Don't act like Cybermen B. Their head shapes are also reminiscent of that Raknos looking aliens from the trailer. So hey. Maybe it's those?

- when Yaz came back from the evil dimension, she was like downloaded to their computer thing, and when she was re-uploaded to our reality, she may be augmented with extra "code" -- just like The Vor ceo guy, she may not be 100% human. 7% not human can mean there's not totally rewritten dna, but just extra dna, from the aliens, full of code. Like a sleep agent almost?? As SPY?????? HMMMMM????? trust nobody!!!! Yaz could be a sleeper agent or unwitting spy with extra alien stuff in her now, is what I'm saying.

- going off of that, that's what happened to all the dead spies - the aliens were experimenting with getting their own spies onto earth via human spies, but they accidentally rewrote too much of their dna, totally killing them. They've perfected it now?

- aliens are obvs from a diff dimension entirely. Lie the Boneless were! I hope maybe they're relayed? Would be sick as hell I loved that episode

- here's a fuckin Longshot! Last seasons thirteen mentioned scary stories she was told as a child. Referring to the Frog Universe, what was it called? The Anti-verse or some shit? Y'all know what I mean. What matters is that my fav Chibnall episode, The Power of Three, set up another "scary story told to gallifreyan children" that the doctor couldn't believe was real, and seemed to be coming from like another dimension? The Tally!!! It was never followed up on even though I thought it was an amazing setup, so maybe The Tally is involved somehow. Or, god willing, they'll come back later this season in an unrelated plot.

- trust nobody! Everything you know is a lie, says the master. Maybe Yaz was replaced entirely? Who else is a fake? Alternate universes? So many ways things could be totally faked. No concrete theory here but, I'm going into the next episode literally not trusting shit. All a simulation? Simulated time travel? Who knows.

- Masters TARDIS is one of the cool sets we saw in the trailer that was tardis-like

- Vor ceo guy is actually a good person trying his damn best to help stop the aliens and assist the doctor, but cannot let anyone know he's actually helping. So he just lets them get away with snooping, investigating, but really needs to keep his distance. Also he probs thinks he's helping with some technology trade with the aliens? Y'know, in a capitalist way lol.

- oh yeah duh, the aliens could all literally be made up by the master as part of a totally unrelated plot to take over earth, as he does. Killing spies is just part of the misdirection and to draw in the doctor. I'd be a little bummed by this tho

----

Im honestly nervous it may be a let down, but, I'm really hoping everything that was set up this episode was important and relevant and will pay off with a really cool villain, new concepts to play with, and the master being a real good threat and an enjoyable version of himself. (I'm not sold and I'm a little sad after seeing him play it so.. cringey? It's like a Simm impersonation but a little hokey idk. But we only had five minutes of him so I'm excited to see how it goes!!! Maybe I'm legit just salty that it's not Missy or a lady or something. I'll give him a chance!!! I'm hoping for the best. I WAS legit totally surprised, even tho I knew something had to be off about O... Good reveal!)

Hopefully I get time off work this weekend to see Part 2 in theaters and have a grand ol time. Legit very pleased and hooked by this premiere. So fun

#doctor who #dw spoilers #series 12 #spyfall

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hellfire-state-of-mind · 6 years

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Not Fit to be a Hero

Part 1

Telepath!reader au

Warnings: not any in this chapter (maybe none at all?)

Word Count: 1564

A/N: Ok so I have no idea how long this whole thing is going to be but if I waited until I finished the whole thing and then posted it as one long fic, it would’ve been long enough for me to worry about people wanting to sit and read it (maybe 4-5k, maybe more?) Idk what y’alls preferences are for fic length so yeah I’m just gonna split it up into parts. Like I said, I haven’t finished writing the whole thing but I will (eventually) and there will be more parts. Maybe only like 3 or 4 parts total (I guess like a mini-series).

“Telepaths aren’t inherently evil-” you try again, but the senior hero cuts you off.

“Mind readers aren’t inherently evil,” he says. “Mind controllers are. None of us can trust you when you can force any of us to do anything at any moment.”

“But I wouldn’t-”

“But you could.” Stark’s gaze is hard. You look around at the others gathered behind him- Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff, Bruce Banner. They all hold the same cold, emotionless expressions. Their decision was final. “We can’t trust you, which means you can’t be a hero. I’m sorry.”

“You can’t trust me? What about her?” You gesture at the small, ginger-haired girl shrinking back from me. Wanda Maximoff. Who you thought was your friend. At least up until now. “We have the same abilities. She could turn on you just as easily as I could. Why trust her and not me?”

“Wanda has already proven her loyalty to the Avengers. You, on the other hand, refused to help the last time we asked you to. So what makes you think we would just welcome you back with open arms this time?”

“I was a kid back then, I was scared! I didn’t know what to do so I ran! How can you decide whether you trust me or not based on what I did when I was 15?”

Tony huffed through his nose. “Alright, I’ve had enough.” He flips the Iron Man mask onto his face and raises his hand at you, his repulsors whining as they charged up. “You have our answer. Now get. Out.”

You look pleadingly at Wanda one last time, but she avoids your gaze. Defeated, you turn and walk to the elevator. The doors open but you don’t enter when you hear Wanda’s voice in your head. “I’m sorry, Y/N.”

You think back, “It’s not your fault, Wanda. I don’t blame you. But don’t reach out to me. They’ve made it clear what will happen if they see me again.” You walk into the elevator, turn around, and see her look of regret just as the doors close.

You enter your tiny apartment, fuming, and slam the door closed with your mind. One chance. That’s all I needed, you think. They wouldn’t give me even one chance to prove myself. I guess one telepath on the team is enough. You throw yourself down on my bed and close your eyes, holding back a scream of frustration. I’ve caused enough trouble today as it is, let’s not add property damage to the list. You think back to your days with HYDRA. The experiments.

They didn’t know what powers you would manifest after using Loki’s scepter on you. When you started presenting as a telepath, Wanda was assigned as your mentor. You trained with her, she taught you everything you needed to know. Only you were stronger. She weaves her magic with her hands. You can crush a grown man’s skull to dust with a single thought. And you have, while training, gauging just how powerful you were. When the Avengers attacked your base, you escaped with Wanda and her brother, Pietro, without a single scratch. Wanda didn’t let you fight like she and Pietro did. She made you run and hide, told you to wait for them to find you. And they did. But the base had been destroyed. The three of you retreated into the city, Sokovia. There, you were recruited by Ultron, a malevolent AI created by none other than Tony Stark; he wanted to wipe out all human life and start Earth’s population anew and to do it, he needed Sokovia. The next time the Avengers attacked, the city was flying thousands of feet in the air. Had it dropped, the impact would’ve killed billions. Wanda and Pietro aided in the evacuation, having abandoned Ultron when you finally learned of his entire plan. You left, too, but left with the evacuees. You ran. Over the years, your psychic link with Wanda had never faltered; you shared in her pain when Pietro died, you felt her remorse when her mission in Lagos went awry. You whispered to her in those times, trying to ease her pain. You often talked through the link. You could see her, she could see you, you could both find out where the other was if you just closed your eyes reached out. But you never saw each other face to face until today.

When you open your eyes again, the sun is rising over New York City. You can hear your next door neighbor bumping around, getting ready for the day. You turn your head and see Avengers Tower directly through your window. The events of yesterday flood your mind and a new wave of fury crashes over you. You stare at the city skyline and the glass in every window in the small apartment shatters. You close your eyes again and sigh. It’s bad enough I don’t actually pay for this place, I’m just squatting here. Someone probably heard that and they’re on their way to investigate. You open your eyes and sit up with a groan. “Well, better be gone before they get here.” As if on cue, there’s the rattling of a key turning a lock and the front door swings open. Soft footsteps pad closer to your room. As soon as their head pokes around the doorway, you lock eyes with them. The landlord. Maintaining eye contact, you slowly approach him as he backs away. You lead him out of the apartment and don’t break your concentration until his head disappears down the staircase. You let out the breath you were holding and rush back into your former home, throw what few belongings you have into your worn duffle bag, and get out, closing the door softly this time. You sprint down the stairs and onto the already busy city sidewalk.

“Y/N, are you okay?” You hear Wanda’s voice whispering in your mind. “Please talk to me.”

“I’m fine,” you reply curtly. You shut out her voice and start walking.

“Tony, you should see this.” Steve turns the computer to face him. Tony takes off his safety glasses and reads what’s on the screen.

“ ‘Last night, another crime was solved by the NYPD.’ ” Tony dictates. “ ‘Similar to other cases solved earlier this month, the suspect walked straight into the police department and confessed to his crime.’ I don’t get it, why would he just walk in and confess?”

“Apparently, after his official arrest, he claimed that he was being controlled. That he was forced to confess.”

“What, like threatened?”

“No. Actually controlled. He said he felt like a puppet with someone else moving the strings. He’s not the only one. There have been 5 other cases solved this last month alone, all ending with the suspects just waltzing in and confessing and claiming they were being controlled. No one knows who’s controlling them but whoever it is has been officially named the Puppeteer by the media. Someone even thinks they got a picture of them.” He pulled up a slightly grainy picture of a figure in a mask and dark purple suit.

“Huh,” Tony breathed out. “So, what, you think this Puppeteer could be a potential threat?”

“I’m not sure.” Steve admitted. “I did notice, and I could be completely going out on a limb here, that these things started happening right after that incident with Y/N.”

“The telepath? Wanda’s friend?” Tony tried to remember.

“Yeah, her. Do you think this is something she would do?”

“Yes,” came a voice from behind the two men. Wanda. “It is. All she wanted when she came to see you was a chance to prove that she could help but you didn’t let her. This would be her way of proving herself.”

“You’re absolutely positive this is her?” Tony asked.

“No. She somehow managed to block me out, I can’t see her anymore. I can talk to her, but I have no idea where she is or what she’s doing. But this feels like it’s her.”

“What do you propose we do? If it is her?”

“I...I don’t know. If it is her then we need to be careful how we approach her. If she feels threatened, she’ll fight. And I know her power, she could easily take down all of us and come out of it unharmed.”

“I say before we think about confronting them, we need to decide if Puppeteer is a threat,” Steve chimed in. “If they’re not a threat, then wouldn’t it be best to just leave them alone? From what we’ve seen, they’ve only been doing good. They haven’t hurt anyone-”

“Yet.” Tony cut him off. “They haven’t hurt anyone yet. Telepaths with that level of power are dangerous, they can be unpredictable and if it is Y/N then I think yes, we should consider them a threat.”

“But we don’t know that it’s her. We know it might be but what if it’s just another telepath?” Wanda defended.

“Tell me, Wanda, how many telepaths do we know? Hm? Not just that, how many telepaths do we know are in New York? 2. You and her.” Tony paused. “I think it’s her and I think we need to go after her. I’ll call for a team meeting.” That was all he announced before leaving the room.

#my writing #marvel #mcu #marvel fic #marvel fanfiction #usersophs #userkavvy #avenger!reader #telepath!reader #marvel imagine #mcu imagine

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whispering-windows · 6 years

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Darkness in Disguise ; {2}

Note; wHOOP WHOop second chapter! YALL I FINISHED MY EXAMS SO I CAN FINALLY W R I T E ITS A MIRACLE GUYS A BITCH FREE! I hope you enjoy it I feel like I wrote too much for just one chapter idk. Also, idk what the edit above is, it was meant to be a moodboard but it just kinda turned into something else lmao I had fun making it tho.

Pairing; Rk900 x reader

Word Count; 3400k

Warnings; swearing (a lot), but I don’t there's anything else?

[Days later]

// 16th of November, Tuesday; 10:00 AM //

The snow drifted in a downward trajectory, sprinkling the windscreens of cars, forcing itself into the crevices of shop fronts and mounting against the pavements; a gentle reminder of the equally as cold and brazen commands that had been executed in Detroit, imprinting darkly on its history. Fingers curled around the metallic handle of the door, the dragging motion in which followed was swift and effortless, presenting the area hidden within. The automated system governing his movements took over, as he found himself walking inside the building.

Surprisingly, the steady ticking of the digital clock was the first thing he noticed. Its systematic song a reminder of the obsession humans had with time; a reminder of their impermanence and the seconds, minutes, hours, even days, they’ll never get to relive. Yet, what was a disturbing human thought, their reality, to an android?

Next, were the masses of people within the department’s waiting room. It seemed busier than what he assumed a typical police station looked like, and the hurried bodies scuttling in and out of the door only heightened his assumption. Shoulders, whether intentional or not, (he knew how turbulent and volatile the relationship between machines and humans were), barged into his own form, forcing him to sidestep. As hands moved to readjust his jacket, an ingrained habit, the hushed whispers shared between others piqued his interest; small words such as ‘deviants,’ ‘revolution,’ ‘Cyberlife,’ were thrown around, and it was clear that the recent insurgency had shaken everyone up. The TV in which had initially blended in with the background was the third thing he noticed, and it only proved the fact further. Bullins covering the latest updates on androids, ‘the android question,’ and the debate about their place among society was broadcast.

“All deviants have allegedly been terminated, the figurehead for the android liberation movement, Markus, has been confirmed as ‘destroyed,’ alongside the androids who assisted in the rebellion’s planning on November 11th — models PL600, PJ500, WR400. While androids themselves are slowly being accepted back into the household, Cyberlie life has suffered significant repercussions; their sales reaching its lowest, since their inception. Despite this, Cyberlife has assured models directly within stores are “deviancy free,” and are, thereby ready to integrate into “home life.” Yet, with recent events, this has understandably been met with apprehension.

“Congress has been quick in its legislative response regarding the uprising and have announced stricter android laws to prevent similar occurrences. The bicameral system, with both the House of Representatives and the Senate strongly voting in favour of the bill, will most likely be implemented later this month; more on that later.”

“Alarmingly, an unidentified android, who has been sighted numerous times with the deviant leader and his inner circle, is yet to be discovered by the authorities.”

The screen transitioned, displaying poor, almost wholly unidentifiable shots of the machine in question, and if it hadn’t been for his enhanced optical units, he would not have been able to run scans. Quickly, the analysis proved itself ineffective as a profound red warning, flashed into view.

-------------------------------------

[X]

RK900: ACCESS DENIED;

NO AUTHORISATION;

-------------------------------------

Perplexed, he immediately ceased his search, tuning back into the TV for information, seemingly as it was his only resource at that stage. The blond news anchor, Rosanna Cartland, continued.

“Although it is still only early days, and the deactivated machines scattered amongst the outskirts of Detroit are currently being sifted through, authorities have stated that “it is almost certain” the android will be located. Officials have yet to comment on the subject, and, just like Cyberlife when asked about this specific, unknown model, they have remained reticent.”

“This begs the question: what is Cyberlife hiding? Is Cyberlife, the multi-trillion dollar empire, as innocent as we initially thought? Or are there darker forces at play? Corruption; greed; the bribing of executives? Who can we trust, now that technology has proven itself a threat to humanity’s very existence?”

With the woman’s harrowing last words, the report ended, an abundance of advertisements promptly replacing the substance, and the room that had momentarily silenced to hear the news had struck back up again; most noticeably, in fear. The android hesitated for a moment, eyes monitoring the screen longer than usual, only managing to snap out of his processing when deciding it was no longer of importance. The android swiftly turned his attention away from the TV and returned to his objective, moving to approach the front desk. Greeted by a female ST300 model, who was handling the reception, he quickly gained access to the heart of the building. After passing the mandatory security evaluation, he pushed his way past the crowd, and the small, glass automatic doors, with his aim, clearly displayed.

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FIND LT. REED

----------------------------

Desks, most of which were void of workers, stretched out across the floor. The disorder had undoubtedly propelled the department into havoc, as stacks upon stacks of files decorated most cubicles. Deviancy had been a nuisance to deal with, the number of reports before the revolt had surpassed that of any other state — Detroit, somehow, being the nucleus, outshone any other major city. Quickly, it had spread like a plague of locusts and thus, the damage it had caused, both directly and indirectly, had reached a boiling point. This buildup of paperwork was the kind that would hold employees back for days on end; there was no escaping that.

Roaming, yet attentive, he scanned the name tags attached to the round corners of the tables, only halting when one particular work surface seized his attention. Bland, beige boxes covered the surface — variety, among the blinding sea of paper — and while most of the contents, he assumed had once decorated its top, had been packed away, the forgotten newspaper clips, remained; hanging from the transparent wall. Bright, bold headlines read:

‘DETROIT POLICE DISMANTLE A NETWORK OF RED ICE DEALERS’

‘DETECTIVE ANDERSON PROMOTED TO RANK OF LIEUTENANT’

‘NEW RECORD SEIZURE OF RED ICE IN DETROIT!’

Grey eyes speedily skimmed through them, coming to the rather natural conclusion that the workspace had once belonged to a ‘Hank Anderson’. His analytical interface had already been conjured, and as he ran the name through the system’s search, a plethora of results manifested, ranging from behavioural reports — mostly negative, after the point of 2036 — to his birth certificate, occupation, and thus, his death.

Anderson, Hank

----------------------------------------------

Status: Deceased; suicide

Born: 06/08/1985 // Ex-police Lieutenant

Criminal record: None

----------------------------------------------

Stepping back, he took one last glance at the mess, before redirecting his gaze toward more of the stations. Moments passed before he eventually found the one in which corresponded with his mission. The desk was messy and impersonal, utterly contrary to Hank’s, and judging from the small feline follicles scattered across the counter, and along the chair’s upholstery, the Lieutenant owned a cat. This information alone wasn’t enough to determine definitively the type of person the Lieutenant was, but if his desk space was an indicator, he seemed lazy. Letting the piles, which evidently spanned longer than the timeframe of a few days, to build up, clearly only delving into the theory component when he absolutely had to. However, despite this, there were elements even if they were small, that were commendable. The subtle efforts of professionalism that occasionally cracked through the lax exterior were displayed by the lack of sentimental trinkets.

As if on cue, the quiet tapping of keyboards, the soft hum of the air conditioning and the irregular computer notification, which were directly paralleled with the noise in the department’s waiting room, was interrupted by the harsh slamming of a door. Shifting his gaze ahead, toward the source of the sound, he saw a figure transcend the stairs, muttering curses with hardened eyes and furrowed brows. The man had just exited the centred glass office, of whom he had guessed was Jeffrey Fowler’s, and after a quick analysis, it was clear that the furious man was Lieutenant Gavin Reed. The android waited patiently at his new partner’s desk, watching like a hawk as the troubled man’s eyes transfixed on the floor, lost in thought — practically refusing to look at anything else.

Once the man arrived, still in his own world, he dropped the miscellaneous items he was carrying, onto whatever free space he had left. Gavin, unnerved by the overwhelming sense of being watched, snapped out of his trance and looked toward the direction the sensation was originating from. The glare that had instinctively formed, then morphed into that of shock once he realised the android’s presence, his head rounding to double take.

“What the fuck? Connor?” He asked, exasperated, looking the android up and down hardly believing his eyes.

“Incorrect, I am its successor, RK900. ‘Connor’ is no longer in function.” The android replied, matter of factly.

The tension was thick, and it was evident by the Lieutenant's clear standoffish body language, that he was uncomfortable. The RK900 model immediately deduced that it was his presence in which exacerbated his dismay.

“If only the rust bucket could have stayed dead.”

Sighing, Gavin ran his hands through his hair, turning away from the android. “That means you’re my new partner.”

The words conveyed disbelief, so much so that it was as if someone had told him he had just been demoted. The scoff that left his mouth was in pure repugnance, and it was at the moment the RK900 model knew that his new partner was going to take a lot of patience. Despite this, he fully committed to the task at hand.

// G A V I N ▼ //

“Affirmative. I am here to assist you on homicide investigations and, on the 0.1% chance it hasn’t been quarantined, deviancy cases. This is a precautionary measure Cyberlife has employed to—”

“That asshole didn’t say anything about a fucking android. Fuck!” He growled, ranting more to himself than anything.

Gavin, suddenly reared back around, after grasping the situation, and marched towards his new ‘partner’, straightening his form in an apparent attempt to intimidate. The android remained stationed, stoic and unaffected as Gavin, who was reasonably shorter than the machine, started jabbing him in the chest with his index finger.

It would have been an amusing sight to behold if there had been anyone around to witness it, as Gavin had clearly failed in his aggressive approach.

“You screw up once, big or small, and you’re through. I don’t care how fucking expensive you unnatural pieces of shits are, I’ll put a fucking bullet in your head. Are we clear?”

// S O F T W A R E I N S T A B I L I T Y ▲ //

Gavin was met with a vacant nod, and that was enough to convince him, the android sustaining his emotionless front.

“Fucking plastics...”

---------

// 16th of November, Tuesday; 5:00 AM //

Days had passed since you had first stumbled across the old warehouse. Dark, dank and abandoned, you found refuge in the secludedness, almost certain, at least for the meantime, that you were safe. It had been hours since you had last seen outside, finding comfort in the consuming, yet ever-present darkness; the only constant in a rapidly erratic existence. It had been minutes since you had accessed your memory, replaying — no reliving — the annihilation of innocents. Long since had you ripped the guards uniform from your shaking body, the blue blood well-soaked into the material; contrasting colours clashing. Although the remnants should have evaporated, it remained; your optics still able to trace the residuum — a continual, consecutive reminder of hatred and loss. It disgusted you.

The wound you’d suffered had effectively been treated, cauterised, and your artificial skin had somewhat repaired itself, disguising the damage, leaving what could only be described as a scar, in its wake; but yet, your thirium levels remained low. Unlike Jericho, before it fell, you didn’t have the option to replenish the drained stores, and with all things considered, it would undoubtedly be a while before you could…

Unless...

The days of recession ended. The darkness exchanged, in turn for the sunlight that had once shone so freely on your form. To blend in with the humans, observing, waiting; at least for a while until the opportunity to strike presented itself. The absence of your LED, removed long ago, was enough to aid your cover. However, the once clean, now tattered clothing, which enveloped your body was far from subtle. A desperate change of clothing was required.

Markus had worked too hard — fought too hard to keep the movement alive — and for it to be crushed the way it had...it was impermissible.

If deviancy had started once before and spread at such a rate, like wildfire, then it would start again. With your urging, who’s to say it ever died?

Phase one was about to begin.

-----------

16th of November, Tuesday; 7:30 AM

Delicate hands had reached out toward the thin, white lines overhead. The clothes you oh so desperately needed, swung, gently flowing with the wind. Fingers wrapped around the small wooden nubs, squeezing as the pegs capitulated. There, in the middle of the lonely ally, with the sun newly risen, you changed. Black jeans, a plain black shirt, boots and a long, black coat decorated your form; the coat’s tail closely trailing behind as you made off with purpose.

The streets of Detroit, for the first time in days, had mostly reverted back to its old, lively self, the obnoxious blaring of the horns, an old familiar song. Your determined steps and the soft crunch of snow beneath, which followed, merged in with the background and the smell of newly fresh, yet still, slightly damp materials filled your senses.

Cotton, polyester, linen, denim, wool.

Rounding the corner, merging with the busy streets, you blended in with the crowd. It was strange being so close to the very beings you detested; their bodies seldom brushing past, bumping an arm or grazing the back of your hand. At times, it was difficult to keep your annoyance hidden, and your emotions restrained, but what Markus had taught you — to have patience — was enough to hold your tongue. You had work to do, and you weren’t going to let something as minuscule as that distract you.

As you walked, snippets of conversation were forced into your earshot, most of which consisted of the irrelevant, self-indulgent rubbish humans generally talked about. However, as you travelled father, angered voices caught your attention, halting whatever other conversation you had tuned into.

“Thing’s a piece of shit!” The distinctive male voice spat.

“It’s not going to get anything done if you keep hitting it like that, Edwin!” A female replied this time, clearly irritated with the other.

“It’s the most advanced form of technology! If it can’t handle a push and a shove here and there, then what the fuck else is it good for, huh?”

The discourse, as you pinpointed the voices, was clearly ahead, and you tried your best to maneuver between the surrounding bodies to get a closer look. Not long after, a crash was heard.

“Edwin, now look what you’ve done, you’ve made him drop the groceries!”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I didn’t do shit, the thing should learn how to walk properly.”

You had effectively located the disturbance near the footpath, directly parallel to a supermarket, and you watched as the man spat on the AP700 model. Some onlookers turned and wrinkled their noses in disgust, more at the fact that the man had expectorated, rather than feeling pity for a machine, while others, laughed. To say it boiled your blood was an understatement. You felt the anger bubbling, the words fuelled by abhorring danced upon your lips, just waiting — begging to be released. Your lips parted, the overwhelming struggle of restraint almost too much to attain.

You held your ground and stayed silent.

The man, known as Edwin, moved away from the android, ordering him to get up from the floor and to ‘fucking stay there’. Like a dog, it complied. The man then turned to help, presumably his wife, clean up the spilled contents from the floor. Cans, tins, bottles and all sorts of miscellanea covered the walkway, its contents spewed and exposed to the public eye. The mess had decorated the asphalt near their parked car, meters away from where the android stood, providing enough cover for a few short seconds if you were quick.

Perfect.

Speed walking, you moved with the crowd once more, remaining within the fringes, until close enough. Once they sunk down to the floor to gather the knocked over contents, after bickering, you quickly bumped into the android, careful not to harm him as you connected with him. With your skin shifting back, you watched as the android, who had once been unsuspecting, widened his eyes. His LED, quickly flickered to a deep red and you beheld; horrified at the harassment the android had endured, in the small time frame of just a few days. Humans were starting to purchase models even after the crisis, how that was possible was beyond you, but you knew Cyberlife’s influence was far-reaching.

Money talks.

Well and genuinely perturbed, in the few seconds that had passed, you looked back toward the ‘owners’, thankful that they had not yet noticed your presence. Rushed, you hurriedly focused on the AP700 model again, and it was evident he was frightened — he had been confused; lost and now, he was free. Able to think for himself and able to refute the vile conditions imposed upon him.

“You know what you need to do.” You whispered; your hand continuing to grip his wrist.

Gaining nothing more than a troubled nod in response, you offered a reassuring smile and moved back into the crowd. You were sure you had been subtle, positive that both your hands had been shielded from watchful eyes;

You were safe, and for the moment, he was too. It was risky what you had just done, but in the name of equality, it was necessary.

One free android was one less enslaved;

It was a success in itself.

All you needed to do now was gradually convert the rest. Cyberlife seemed to have no problem in exploiting opportunities, even when their image was at question; and yet, consumers still continued to purchase. Sometimes you really wondered why humans had survived as long as they had.

Aimlessly following the crowd you made your way around the city, searching for any other androids. Whilst you did find a few, converting them rather swiftly, androids were nowhere near as widespread as they were previously. The thought churned your biocomponents, a feeling you had, at this point, become accustomed to.

You knew that it was a process; one that would take time, and effort. You weren’t going to fail your people. You weren’t going to fail Jericho. You weren’t going to fail Markus, Simon, Josh, North; or those who had given their life. You were going to fight, till the very, bitter, end.

No matter what.

Somewhere in the swirl of your thoughts, you had managed to stumble across a store's window display. The TV’s in which were placed up against the pane, for public viewing, were playing the news, and from the subtitles, you were able to identify that the news anchor was Rosanna Cartland. Already predicting what the broadcast was going to talk about, you started to move away, until, something caught your eye, stopping you dead in your tracks. With widened eyes, you watched the summary; a basic debrief on the reports that were to come. Images and short clips danced across the screen, along with the familiar photo that had left you stunned. You didn’t need to rely on your systems analysis and your optical units to decrypt the poor quality photo. You knew exactly who that person was.

It was you.

And then, the snow started to fall;

[Time: 10:00 AM]

Tag list //: @etherealdechart @skarsgardechart @xephoxs @deviantcrimes @fandom91102 @asteamingdumpsterfire @bigdickdechart @jeriichoes @starkschurro @this-world-hasnt-seen-shit Let me know if you wanna be tagged! :)

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sergeant-angels-trashcan · 6 years

Note

Sailor Pluto: "I'm going to go be human for a while, see how they live." \ Pluto: [meets aliens on Earth] \ Pluto: Wait what. \ Noh-Varr, who somehow ended up talking to her at a bar, both assuming the other is a Real Human and trying not to act too weird: Hey, do you like close harmony girl groups? I've got some great vinyls at home if you want to hear some. \ Pluto, confused: Sure? \ Pluto, watching Noh dance half-naked to retro music: This was a mistake. \ Pluto: A REALLY HOT mistake.

lmao ok so i saw this right before I went to bed and thought about it while I couldn’t sleep and went “well, I never do anything but super niche things anyway so why not”

because like. first of all, correct, I truly believe Sailor Pluto (especially before she actually comes to Earth for realz) has the same level of human behavior comprehension as Noh (which is to say, if they actually put effort into it, a lot, but who wants to put effort into it?), but i think she’s way more likely to wind up accidentally dating Sif and/or Valkyrie

BUT upon further consideration I decided that the Senshi would super love Noh. Think about it: he’s super strong, hard to freak out, and eats anything. The girls can work on their cooking skills at all the terrible food experiments will not go to waste because he will still eat them.

I’m seeing Noh meeting them post-canon, so while they’re in college or out of it, but I could also see Usagi running into him as a high schooler and just yelling “NOH PLEASE EAT MY TEST I GOT A 45 ON IT”

“SURE THING KID.”

but anyway.

I actually…think…that in suggesting this AU, how dare you, that I’ve found the PERFECT girlfriend for Noh!

And I wish I could say “oh it’s Rei or Mako” but like. Noh really goes for the fighty girls and it doesn’t work out well for him, does it? And he and Usagi are the bro-est of bros

So like. Power couple Noh and Ami.

One of Ami’s defining traits is her compassion and understanding, and there haven’t been a lot of people like that in Noh’s life. Someone patient enough to sit down and say “okay, that was a terrible decision. Why did you make that choice?” I think Ami would really get the “he is literally an alien so he doesn’t get some of this stuff” and the Senshi have dealt with aliens who don’t get Human Stuff before so it’s not like this is a conversation Ami’s never had before.

She’s outside the Marvel Universe, so she doesn’t think of him as “that guy who betrayed us” or “the guy who set fire to New York” but she’s a Sailor Scout, a superhero in her own right, so she’s not going to get freaked out by his superhero stuff. Probably just really curious. (He introduces her to Dr. Strange so she can talk about balancing a medical career and a superhero one only to find that Strange truly has no advice for her, and also his fridge is full of snakes, but she also meets Loki, who talks to her about magic/science overlap and then takes her out dress shopping and maybe to case a bank for a robbery??? Ami is still not sure)

I don’t see Ami as being super interested in sex (I don’t think she’s opposed to the idea of it, it’s just not a priority for her) which I feel like…is maybe a relief for Noh? He has to worry less about mind control saliva (”Noh could I do a cheek swab? For…science.”) and let’s be honest Noh has had a lot of people doing horrible experimenty things to his body so it might be nice for him to have a relationship that was primarily mental and emotional than physical, at least to start with. (They are super cuddly, though. All the time cuddles.)

And having a doctor or medical student in the Young Avengers extended family is really useful because Ami just sighs and goes “Hawkeye-chan, why are you covered in shark bites.” (and before someone comes to me like “I don’t think she’d use -chan in this situation”, you are probably right but when you’re bandaging up someone’s 26 sharkbites because they won’t go to a hospital after invasion of landsharks and you’re too polite to call them an idiot, what else is she gonna call Kate? This is the third time this has happened, and Ami has no frame of reference for this)

Noh has a spaceship that he and Ami tear apart and improve tech stuff on. AMI LOVES COMPUTERS. Noh is smart, even if he doesn’t always act that way, so he can keep up with Ami, mentally, which is really nice. He can also keep up with the Sailor Scouts if they need an extra hand. He’s diffused at least two conflicts by invoking Dreamgirls? They’re all still really confused about how that worked.

….also you will be hard pressed to convince me that Noh doesn’t play music while Magical Girl Transformations are happening. From an old skool boombox, for the Aesthetic.

Noh: Did you guys need someone killed? i can do that.Ami: we try not to kill people, Noh.Noh: but sometimes. you gotta.

Not to mention–Ami is a calming influence, and hanging out with Rei and doing Spiritual Exercises with her has helped him control his anger so when he gets mad it’s more controllable? And it manifests more it being really protective of Ami (not when she’s a Scout. She’s fine as a Scout. Noh and Tuxedo Mask are the Sailor Scouts traveling cheering section) but at parties or mixers or whatever when Ami is Really Polite and doesn’t call people on interrupting her and Noh will just go “EXCUSE ME, AMI WAS SPEAKING IT’S VERY RUDE TO INTERRUPT.” followed by. the most terrifying glare.

Noh is a Supportive Boyfriend. (he’s been working on it). He’s trying to be more attuned to Human Things so he reminds Ami when she needs to sleep or eat or that studies show a thirty minute break of dancing to motown for every two hours of studying improves information retention. Ami never had impromptu dance parties before Noh and now she has them all the time. And…they do help her maintain focus.

Noh went through her entire apartment building during finals and threatened bodily harm to anyone who disturbed the peace and at least three little old ladies laughed at him and gave him food to take back to Ami. He’s losing his edge.

idk man I just feel like they’d help one another grow as people–Noh in becoming more aware of how his actions affect others and thinking before he makes terrible choices and getting better at asking for help, and Ami in being a little more impulsive and self-indulgent. Neither of them do a complete 180 or anything but just…a bit more balance.

Ami, I think, really and truly does see people for the good and bad in them, but focuses on the good, and again...I think someone who believes that Noh is fundamentally good and not a screwup--or that his screw-ups don’t define him--would be a game changer. Ami very, very secretly thinks about Noh’s white hair and his spaceship and his flying boots and thinks her boyfriend is kinda an angel, and even though she never says that, Noh can sense it, you know? He knows Ami believes in him. She holds him to a high standard, and by god, he wants to exceed it.

Also? Noh helping Ami study, using her legs as a pillow while she plays with his hair

#phoenixyfriend #sailor moon #young avengers #noh varr #sailor mercury #ami mizuno #sailor pluto #my stuff #this was....not what you asked me at all #power couple noh x ami #honestly i've known them for 8 hours and i love them #goddamnit i love them so much now #i mean i love kate!!! but kate is a grudge holder #ami is not #also catch david and ami being pals #honestly what a chill and sweet relationship whti would be #occasionally fighting the forces of darkness and alien invasions #normal stuff

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aster-hyacinth · 2 years

Text

Story time, ig. Because it’s 1am and the night has that vibe.

So! When my age was still on a single digit I randomly started throwing up after breakfast. Idk why, it just… happened. Against my will. I’d try to keep it down but controlling it was near impossible.

And it was always after breakfast, I believe. It didn’t happen at lunch or dinner.

For some time this routine kept going on and my family obviously noticed. Even though I told them it wasn’t on purpose they thought I was lying and thought I was bulimic.

Funny thing is that I didn’t even know about eating disorders at that point in my life.

One day I tagged along with my mom when she went to work, and after a few hours in she asked me to come closer so I could look at her computer.

She showed me photos of anorexic and bulimic people. And news, too. About how they had passed because their bodies had finally given up on them.

Now that I visualize it again it doesn’t affect me but when I remember the emotional/mental impact it caused me I still feel… eh, idk.

The images were kinda grotesque for my little girl pov. I mean, I was still blissfully ignorant to bad stuff. how could someone allow themselves to get to that point? How could they not see how deteriorated they were?! How could they not see that they looked disturbingly frail?

“Do you want to end up like that? Do you think this is fine?” She asked me.

I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there for a while, crying and scared. After that I somehow learned to control the urge to throw up (that, again, had suddenly manifested, against my will) and never had a problem like that again. And then that chapter of my life was mostly forgotten as years went by.

Now, let me say that me having an eating disorder nowadays has nothing to do with that day. My mother is not to blame for this. I am this way for completely different reasons.

I still hold a phantom of those same first impressions, and from the way I was raised (a.k.a managed to be born in a family that has a healthy relationship with food). But if you haven’t guessed from the fact that I own an ed blog, I somehow got fucked up in the head at some point and those aren’t that strong anymore.

I simply think it’s funny, you know. Something that used to disturb me so much, and that hadn’t been a shadow of a problem before… I ended up embracing it.

I feel like I coincidentally encountered an acquaintance or a long lost childhood friend at a random park.

“Oh, hey! Wow, the world is such a small place, after all”

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jessielakewood · 3 years

Text

Witch Identity

Weird things have been happening lately. It's been since the pandemic started that I've started my re-awakening, as an empath/intuitive/psychic. But now I'm starting to wonder about labels. Witch. I've spent the last year or so saying I'm not one, and that its a religion, and that I was those things I just said. But as a psychic, I feel the few new things I do are a bit crafty, if you know what I mean. Burning bay leaves in an otherwise textbook example of certain psychological therapy, doing so according to the moon's phase, that sure sounds witch-esque. Well, its manifestation. So IF manifestation is considered magic, and I'm doing the manifesting, doesn't that make me a witch? I know the whole year and one day studying thing to become a practicing witch, but I mean, ugh. Its so difficult to explain, but I'll try. It took me a long time before that re-awakening was able to happen. When you end up in a mental hospital and your ex thinks you're doing witch craft because you bought a few crystals and got reiki done while he was conditioned heavily to catholicism until public high school, you would probably abandon any thought as well. I wasn't doing witchcraft, I was recently raped & manic. And the pendulum I got from Oregon, I shoved it all away and said it wasn't real, that it was part of a manic episode. But then, a number of years later, this pandemic becomes global and we all were on our computers and phones more than we ever thought we would have to, or even want to. But it was necessary to get things done. An escape was also necessary, and so many of us have tiktok to thank for that. Can you believe that somehow the algorithm showed me the same intuitive/psychic as the first video on my "For You Page" every single day for at least 3 weeks? I got a reading with her last November, in part because my grandmother died last August, but also because I wanted to vet her knowing that she also offers coaching courses, and that I was interested in taking one. And then I did, just this past July. But that was for psychic stuff, now witch stuff, and J.D. is definitely not a witch. Although of course I do follow a number of witches on tiktok. We usually have overlapping interests. Something funny J.D. said in a TikTok was about this little Halloween trick, where you dress up as what you want to be, and she laughed and said, "the year i started all this, I was a psychic for Halloween." So I followed suit. And it was a great choice because I got my dad to buy me a crystal ball and tarot cards and a dress I love, all with SPIRIT HALLOWEEN slapped on it to make it alllll make-believe. I would have bought it wight the debit card mom fills for me, but when i got to the register, i realized I didn't have my card. This was the first time I went out and made a purchase in the pandemic; I had given JP my card months ago so I could pay for things without being there. JP is an essential worker, I was an essential stay-at-homer (auto-immune). Thankfully, My parents were getting lunch across the street so THAT is how dad ended up paying for those things, half of witch, ahem- which, I never planned on showing him. Then by the new year, I had an actual rider-waite deck. Have i read up and really learned my tarot? Nope. It's cool, and I love shuffling as a fidget, but I'd rather have readers on tiktok tell me what's up. And I'm guessing that's because tarot isn't the main thing I'm drawn to, it's just divination.

So then what am I most drawn to? Magic? Magik? As aesthetically pleasing as it seems, I do not really want to brew things or do spells, its not like harry potter. Yes maybe a spell jar sounds cool and I want to melt wax over something containing herbs, idk kinda cool. I think I'm scared of the unknown but also scared that this is school and i am behind in my studies. That's how i felt at church; the few times I went, I didn't go with the other kids did when it was time for sunday school. It was school, and I hadn't read the textbook (the bible). Now I feel like there's piles and piles and piles of "textbooks" I havent studied yet whenever I think about this whole witch delima. Both my parents know I took that course, but there's something you've gotta understand about that. One, like i said i was going around saying imnotawitch imnotawitch, and two, my dad experienced my psychic gift when I was 8. Our cat was killed by a pack of dogs, and we buried her in the woods, under a huge tree. Some time goes by, not a lot, and I dream that my dad is mowing the lawn as I walk through the side yard, into the woods, and towards the big tree. I wake up when I reach my cat's grave, and I know something is wrong. In real life, I walk across & out of the house to find dad mowing in the exact same spot from my dream. I walk up to him & tell him there's something wrong with her grave. He tells me its fine, we put so many rocks on top, there's no way- And I stop him, "Then show me nothing's wrong." He sighed, turned off the mower, and came with me. When we got there, I saw pieces of the tablecloth she was wrapped in, here and there, going all down the wooded hill. I told him and my mom about the dream, him on the spot. The way he looked at me, so quizzical but not angry.

So I guess it made it easier to tell him that I have the ability he already kinda knew I had. But "witch??" That's a dilemma.

JP bought one of those book boxes, except when you open it there's a little safe lock you have to get through first. I broke one, set another, and then realized that I didn't have anything to put in the book safe, nothing I felt I needed to keep away from Jp's eyes. That sounds good and healthy. But I care very much about what my dad thinks. I'm even worried that JP's mom will one day realize I'm evil or something (why do I date guys with crappy dads and catholic mothers??). But I want to get over this fear and be authentically myself. Trouble is, at this point, I'm not quite sure of who I am. If I was sure, then I would embrace it. over the last 19 months, the things I like to do became a big question mark. My phone games that I played daily for literally years on end, I stopped playing every day. And besides Harry Potter Hogwarts Mystery & Pokemon Go, I've stopped playing them all together. I do still spend way too much time on my phone, I'm sure by now you can guess which app takes up most of my time.

I've also graduated from college, so of course I've been in transition. Now I'm not even looking for a job until my health improves. That's why I am attempting to manifest, I need good health before I can get to my next milestone of making an income. Something has been rolling around in my head since alex said it years ago while i was upset. He said, "You always end up getting what you want." So I'm convinced I've been manifesting my whole life, but not always positively. I dont really want to talk about whether or not I can and have made myself sick and where to draw the line from my fault to my illness. It took me 8 years to get that degree, and I was treading water the whole time with my chin just above water, dipping occasionally to make me take a semester off. That's all I know, school and struggling, since 4th fucking grade. So it is a natural time to re-evaluate what i like, what i want, what i want to do, and so forth. But that doesn't make it easy.

TWO - Back To The Point

Am I a witch? On an ancestral level? Well, if i go back far enough my white ass definitely came from witches at some point. I dont have a direct link that i know of, but if what we call witchcraft was the way of life for the vast population at one point in human history, then I must be descended, but in a vague way that also means everyone else that looks like me has the same link because it is so old. So I guess my question is, what makes me so special that I am to be a witch? If i am to be a witch, or already are one. Even with a BS in Psychology, my stigmas are strong, and I want to tear them down so i can get tto the point where i really, actually, do not care what others think about who I say and show that I am.

I guess it is like Harry Potter in a way then. Like with the sorting hat, regardless of predisposition, you still make the choice yourself. It's funny, the year before I dressed up as a psychic for Halloween, I was a Ravenclaw witch. In July, the town I live in did a big interactive witch & wizard day, and I wore the same costume, the warm weather part (short sleeve white button-up w/ the hogwarts crest & blue & silver plaid skirt).

This year I said I wanted to do a couples costume, but JP didn't really want to be a dead groom, I've seen no great dead bride costumes, and I really only brought that up to hint at proposal.

Instead of reading those new piles of books, a little birdie told me to go back to my roots, so I think I will do just that. Why not a healthy mix of both? I'm spoopin it up, ten days before Halloween now.

Only ten days, and I have no clue what to wear.

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ts-akhmim · 4 years

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Episode 8 | ”Being a muppet is a contagious disease. ” - Ali

omg so?! i need to do a proper long confessional and go through my thoughts because i just got like a tsunami of information but... jake lived?! and idoled out scott who i thought was gonna win?! hello?!? i'm so so so excited because now i get to work with jake and he is SUCH a shield, and me/him/autumn are gonna ride off into the sunset im manifesting it.

what the HELL is going on here first jake pulls out an idol (which i was JUST gossipping with jordan pines about him having it because i know just how he plays and would ya look at that!) i was so ELATED to read he did that, thinking ok, i gave him a fair warning those false beauties we're gonna get us all, and they voted him unanimously so surely he'll take one of them out and ... HE TAKES OUT SCOTT?? i dont even have time to process this bafoonery yet because here i am, minding my business, trying to watch micronesia to heal the hole in my heart left by w*nners at w*r, eating a piece of pizza and then BOOM we merge?? but oh ok! they said we get a nice little break, lemme not stress and go back to eating my piz- NOPE THERE IS SO SUCH THING AS A BREAK IN SURVIVOR GORL I SWEAR I PUT MY PHONE DOWN TO GET ONE BITE, I COULDNT EVEN ENJOY MY EXTRA CHEESE BECAUSE MY TELEPHONE IS BLOWING UPPPP people are spilling tea left and right, i probably dont even have time to write this so i gotta keep it short and sweet; the false beautys are really trying to slide in my pms and sing kumbaya and if they wanna sing with me, bring it on because they are not a songstress like i am, ill riff run and harmonize yall right off this island. PERIOD. ive been REALLY trying to play up this card where im just some dumb bitch, let everyone keep thinking im the mayor of boo boo the foolsville, but i know a lot more than i let on so catch the tea on that

i swear for it being our "day off" this sure has been the most work i feel like ive had in a hot minute first of all fuck the tomb but FUCK this pyramid even more the second it was announced i found the extra link to the slide puzzle on the blog within SECONDS but 1) i suck at slide puzzles and 2) MY COMPUTER CRASHED HALF WAY THROUGH IT SO I HAD TO START AGAIN. literally took me 2 hours to finish, so that was embarrassing, then much like how the tomb had questions, this pyramid has a hashi puzzle to solve in EIGHT MINUTES....which i dont even know what the fuck that is sorry to this hashi man i gave a good effort but didnt get it in time, so im gonna try again tomorrow of course but im sure someone who isnt a dumbass had better luck than me and got it so thats that on that ....also gorl some of these people aka kendall really got the audacity, she messages me today and is like IS JAKEY COMING TO YOU SAYING STUFF ABOUT ME TRYING TO PIT US AGAINST EACH OTHER oh gorl, if only you knew its ME going to jakey saying shit about YOU trying to get him against YOU, because your first mistake was trying to prepare an alliance to vote me out, your second mistake was running around telling everyone i have an idol, and your third mistake was making an enemy of jakey, now there's this angry jakey on the loose and im gonna just try to work my magic to tame him and keep him like a pet dragon on my side to get them out and then deal with whether i think ill be able to trust him going foward, but again, i know i voted him out last game so i cant rule out him trying to target me already, especially if somehow worst case scenerio people try to pick us off first for knowing each other also had a call with augusto which was.... interesting, look, i genuinely like him as a person even though i still feel some type of way about him turning fake on me, so i definitely want to maintain a friendship with him even if it's hard for me to just stomach talking to him because of how stupid he must think i am, keep your friends close but your frenemys closer!! then i just had a call with devon too which was also interesting because, i do like him as a person, but idk how to feel about it!!! after all of them lying to me in the beginning im already feeling PTSD and dont know if i can trust anyone, but he gave me some valuable information even more so just reaffirming them all thinking i have the idol which i know is a crock of bs because DAMMIT IVE TRIED I JUST DONT HAVE IT. I know amir has it, it's so obvious to me, maybe augusto?? but i think amir. apparently devon also just kinda said he think he could see the first vote coming down to me or jakey or even him which.......makes me really nervous, i wasnt planning on fighting for immunity at the auction i wouldve rather had an advantage of some sort, but i think with this cast, and the amount of intertwined relationships going into this first tribal, i want that immunity necklace and im gonna do my damndest to get it OKAYYY this game is going to drive me insane, i feel like ive been running my mouth TOO much and talking to too many people and am gonna get voted out for it but i also simultaneously feel like i havent talked to people no where near enough and, am gonna be voted out for it so ???buckle the fuck up ladies we've officially boarded the confusion express so im just gonna try and sit back and enjoy the ride ig

Welp we are on the bottom... shit. I'm going to be honest, this week has not been great for me. Like my real life is slowly going to shit and now my fake life has been screwed. Thanks Jakey... you dick. All is not lost, because out there in the distance is the iconic duo of Jordan Pines and Kendall Duffy AKA Sarah and Woo. You know, Sarah and Woo. That iconic duo in Cagayan. Remember that one time Sarah walked up to Woo and said "Sup I'm Sarah," and he nodded and said "Woo". And that other time they were sitting on the same log laughing at something Tony said? That is stuff of legends man. Okay so genuinely Jordan meant to say Tony and Woo but he accidentally said Sarah and Woo and now this is our legacy. The plan is to play it both ways. As this isn't going to be a simple Pangonging. Obviously a beauty is going to leave but before we all go, they are going to try to get rid of some of the brawns. The goal is that the beauty isn't me and the brawn isn't Jordan. I know you're legally not supposed to trust Jordan Pines but it's never really been the case for me? IDK maybe it's cause he always gets sniped before I betray him. Maybe it's cause the one time he voted me out it was cause I committed suicide by cop. But for the most part he's a realible ally. Also this would be a shitty and stupid lie right? Like he knows I don't have an idol, literally everyone knows that! Trying to get in my good graces is a terrible fucking idea, Jesus. Right now I'm just going to market myself and the others as a free vote. I know it's not realistic to get Augusto and Amir to the finals but it's all I really want. We've been through shit together. I don't want to be put in a position to get them out. I also believe that either Jakey and Ali has the idol. So this round I'm going to flush it. I'm not going to be able to get him out, I just need him to believe he's going to be voted out. He's a very paranoid individual, it shouldn't be too difficult.... I am not going home tonight. I refuse to.

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okay so i haven't done a good typed confessional in a WHILE and i have thoughts. so i'm basically really frustrated with a lot of this tribe and i don't know how to vocalise it. but first the positives.. the fact that i have an alliance of me/autumn/jake brings me such a rush of seretonin, i love them both and i will fight my hardest to get the three of us to the endgame of this game. i think rn my goal final five is me/jake/autumn/adam/devon, adam because i dont think he is playing this game as well as he necessarily thinks he is, but i also think we have trust and he is someone who is scoop-up-able? and then devon i get good energy from him and his straightforward energy i'd like to see in the endgame. the rest however.... whew. well actually Liam is fine, he is sweet and doing his best. of the rest tho... hmm. kendall's energy doesn't quite land with me, her dry sense of humour doesn't really work with me ha so i feel like we are gonna struggle to gel as allies (especially since we are either side of the weird brawn/beauty divide). augusto is very chatty but its a lot of chatting for... the sake of it, like his social game is to just overwhelm you with lots of messages but its nothing of substance. amir i actually like!! he has me-energy, i would actually like him to stick around (he is a good shield too). duncan i am still sus about from premerge, but i'd love to mend that bond because i might need duncan?! tj and jordan both give snake energy... tj is suddenly back to being non-commital with me and it frustrates me, i wish he would like... talk to me KJLSADF. jordan is the same i always get weird energy from him and he was in that weird alliance during the swap and didn't tell me... feel a f10 boot for jordan ideally. honestly its just frustrating i feel like everyone on this tribe is so cagey and like just thinks talking a lot is social game?! and its... not. but yeah ideally first four merge boots: kendall, augusto, tj & jordan (tho the last two is open to consideration if they stop being shady to me KJSDFA).

I just got immunity in the auction and I feel like I wasted a chance to get some long term for my game. Because I wasn't going anywhere this round (I don't think), but like at least it prevented some other people from getting it which allows me some room to make a couple moves without too many repercussions. In terms of social standing, I truly think I have put myself in a good spot. Jakey and Jordan have both said they want me to be their number ones; Devon also has said the same and has told me that he holds the Double Vote. I know that Autumn and Duncan are both willing to work with me in our alliance with Jordan. Liam and I have bonded quite a bit. And I get good vibes from Augusto, Kendall, and Adam. So the big question now is, my target at the moment is Amir... how do I get him out? I need to break up Amir, Augusto, and Kendall so that I have a better chance of working with Augusto specifically down the line and hopefully Kendall as well. I have a feeling that Adam will push for one of the trio and the trio will push for Adam or Jakey, which should give me plenty of ammo to try and make that move. Correction to my last confessional... the trio can't target Jakey because he's immune. Suck it!

i really... really just got my second idol huh... i cant believe it. i bodied that idol hunt, i sat their trying like six hundred combos for the morse code, got that demonic tile and did that evil hashi puzzle... im so happy hehe okay so ignore my super jaded confessional from yesterday im back in again akdjfsaf im literally on a reign of terror doing harsh confessionals then apologising but askdjfafa we move. so yesterday was a real busy day, we had the auction, i called lots of people and... i got myself a little bit of bling. with the auction first, it was really interesting. i misunderstood the "idol block" so i snatched it up, but then it just blocks hunting for the idol versus playing one, but for my mental health am glad i have that. i also got the vote revealer, which was like a mid-tier thing that im happy to have just got a second thing tbh. then i had like six hundred calls kaljsdfas. i called with devon first, he is really sweet and we had a great talk tbh? i really like him and hope we stick together. i did then go on to have very similar conversations to the one i had with him, with augusto and amir, but i felt best about the conversation me and devon had tbh. augusto is sweet, and very social. like i'd prefer to vote him to kendall, but i like him ha and feel like we have a bond now. i think i could be a good number moving forwards (i wouldn't want him gone 11th/10th). amir is also very nice, we are calling tomorrow, and i just dont think targetting amir is in my best interest rn? like what's the end goal in doing that. so then right now. i think i want the merge vote to be kendall? i feel like if we let that trio slide, its scary, and i have a closer connection to amir and augusto of the three. i think then the brawn tribe can turn inwards, but im eager to push the brawn tribe like "implosion" until after that trio is taken apart (to the style of splitting up alex c/jones/mo from montenegro) also otherwise i got an IDOLLL, or rather my second hehe. i put in a LOT of work to get it, i translated morse code, i did a demonic hashi puzzle, i got the 2048 tile. i earned this idol and im very proud. now i have two idols so have such wiggle room. and i'm building bonds across the tribe... im not saying im set, but... im covered for the time being

okay so im a clown and got frustrated with jordan for telling jake he was hesitant to keep me in... jordan just told me he has been downplaying our connection to people like jake KJLSDAFA so i fully just bought into nothing.

i am starting to feel my standing in the game rise, like im building bonds... everywhere. like im starting to become set to go the distance because i have lots of lowkey social bonds and because im not overtly super strategic i dont think i seem as threatening.

okay so ideal merge bootlist: f4: me/autumn/jake/devon, adam (5th), liam/jordan (6th/7th), amir (8th), duncan (9th), augusto (10th), tj (11th), kendall (12th) and then at the moment the order i would vote for people as a juror (bringing this back from montenegro): jake > autumn > amir > jordan > duncan(?) > devon > augusto > adam > tj > kendall > liam because i think jake has already idoled someone, and to make it to f3 after that is super impressive. autumn is a queen, has real strategic savvy and will have made moves to get to the end. amir is very much like autumn and him making it to the end. jordan is an amazing player and tbh deserves a win. duncan is really in game-mode and id love to see him in FTC (what a role reversal), devon has a real rootable underdog story, augusto is a social king, adam needs to pick it up beyond just targetting beauties to get my vote. tj/kendall are question marks for me, and then liam i LOVE but he doesn't necessarily 100% want to be here so i would be tentative to vote him. but its crazy because i think: jake/autumn/devon/adam/liam/jordan/amir/duncan... all trust me to some extent that's... such a large portion of the tribe. so i need to be careful im not scorning people too much, but this is a real work-able situation i think ahh

Interesting development that both Kendall and Amir want/wanted to call and talk to me. I just finished talking to Kendall (she is so sweet, I enjoy talking to her!) and I definitely see an avenue where we work together, but I am concerned that there does seem to be a guard up, which I totally understand given that we haven't been on a tribe together. We both kind of mentioned that Liam has been flirting with the idea of asking to be voted out which gave me an avenue to not say that the name I would throw out is Amir. I do hope that Liam isn't adamant about going because I truly do care for him and want him to stay in this game. I picked up a great ally in him after the initial Brawn vote and losing him now won't be fun. It does dispel this Brawn alliance people probably expect to be happening, but am I at ease with Liam going to facilitate that? But if that happens, that delays the fight between Adam/Jakey against the trio of Augusto/Amir/Kendall, which in fact would be good for me as it allows me to slide by for another week... ugh, decisions decisions. Why do I feel like this first vote could determine the rest of my game?

So Liam still wants to be in the game, which is good. I can easily work with that. Yes, I feel awful telling Kendall I thought the vote would be Liam, but now that he seems to want to be in the game, I think I can work with Liam possibly staying. I still have to wait it out and listen to what some others think, but I may be back on the board of going for one of the trio. I know Jakey wants to do Kendall, but I don't want her to go just yet. Eventually, yeah probably, but I do want her here.

Whew merge merge merge. Tonight is the first night to play my legacy advantage, i could block a vote but honestly im probably not going to. Id be pretty caught off guard if i was the target tonight and I think id rather let it fester to an idol, whether for me or someone else later tha depends on my game play. Last night was the auction and boy did jordan win big, i got a whole vote steal that im pretty sure no one knows about. I created a believable (i think) lie about what i bid on and spread and thankfully adam came out the gate with a super fact checkable lie about the auction so i think most of the heats on him. For the vote it could be a beauty butpart of me really sees liam going home just cause people are so scared of how many brawn are in the game, and like thats fine i can deal with that. I am slowly building my relationships to the point where i can get the ball rolling enough to do some damage. Ive been biding my time in the shadows for most of this game, but Jordan Pines is about to rise!

this round is what we call a mixed bag like the auction? hated that girl. I saved my money and all I got was a drawing like sis this is the Survivor Auction not an actual auction ;-; but other than that, I’ve felt really good about how I’ve been playing? Like always, I’m trying to be the Belle of the Ball and have everyone want me as a date yknow? Currently, I have my main allies (Amir, Kendall, Devon) but others (Autumn, Duncan, Ali, Jordan, Jakey) have expressed that they want to work with me which is cute! I don’t know who to trust tho ngl but yay? My main priority is getting my footing in the game this first round and hopefully getting out a Brawn. The main two I want gone from the Brawns are Liam M and Jordan Pines. Liam M is the easier sell and I don’t mind that, Jordan Pines is someone I want gone soon though. I also want Adam gone if at all possible sometime soon but we shall see!

i take it back jordan and duncan can go again...? literally like both of them preach up and down that we are gonna work together, then pull shady stuff like saying me and adam are a duo in their alliance chat of gremlins with love of my life autumn and professional robot tj?! literally just because y'all linked up at swap and think you are gods gift to alliances doesnt mean me and adam are a duo? i just talk to him and actually give him a chance in this game unlike like... 99% of this cast. now i cant really defend adam at all or people are gonna try and snap my neck? which sucks... adam was in my endgame but because i see him having a losing finalist arc versus me being a duo with him. so that sucks but well. it just reconfirms to me that i have to trust autumn. which is not hard because i literally love her sm and i want to see thrive in this season. so i am praying it works out. this cast continues to prove that being a muppet is a contagious disease.

im absolutely LIVID right now.... i dont even know where to begin ?? let's start with this: are we playing SURVIVOR or are we playing america's next top CLOWN?? because based on how silly all these people are it doesnt seem like survivor. this is my 3rd time playing this game, and never once have i ever made it to a merge where .... every single person wants to just settle on one name since they're the "easy" vote.... and yet that's all im being told with people wanting to vote liam?? at this point i hope the plan is to vote ME out and everyone is just telling me liam because i dont want to play the game with a bunch of feeble minded school of fish who have no backbone. first of all everyone has wanted to do nothing but play that ANNOYING ass "ooh its been quiet i havent heard a name yet" game for the entire day. We're 3 hours before tribal and all the sudden everyone wants to sing kumbaya and vote for liam??? because he's not around, which guess what it does make him an easy vote but....this is survivor why would you EVER vote that person off in the merge right away, he can literally go next or any other time. I refuse to sit back and just conform to it, ill probably end up having to, but im gonna try to push what to ME makes the most sense, not only for myself but for everyone... to get one of those 3 false beautys out. I've been going to a lot of people and basically saying "Let me break it down for you: one of them 150% has the idol??? and thanks to the suvivor auction, and based on what ive gathered from people they probably have advantages too.....why waste this vote being "easy" because then next round....they're gonna know it'll be one of them and so......they're gonna play all their shit and take someone out, and i absolutely reserve the right to laugh at whoever it is because theyre an idiot and didnt want to wake up and play the game (unless it's me of course oop) I've approached, jakey, autumn, duncan, jordan, ali, devon, tj, pretty much ANYONE who has a brain to just state the obvious.....its stupid getting liam out. literally the stupidest and quite frankly downright embarrassing move to make for a group of players of this caliber. and you know what responses ive gotten? "oh its too soon to rock the boat" "we have to get one of those brawns out" "yeah we just have to go with the brains on this one" ??? too soon??? at merge??????? to play the game of survivor??????????? at this point im about to try and just tell liam with the very slim chance that he has an idol and can use it on himself because how am i supposed to try and play the game of survivor with people who dont want to play its frustrating. **update as i was writing this i just had a call with jordan pines, im not as mad anymore after smoking weed with him for like 20 minutes ahfdd but its BORING LIKE WAKE UP PEARL LETS PLAY SURVIVOR...i probably made a big mistake pushing those 3 to as many people as i just did but whatever hopefully it at least planted seeds with people and people actually try and approach me in the future rounds with that idea again in other news, the auction happened and i got the power to go to the prejuror island and plead my case with them regarding this next vote, no one was even there so that was lovely i felt like i was talking to myself so nothing new there, i peeped connor was online but didnt have anything to say when i showed up, much like how he never had anything good to say in the game and that's why he was voted out, but ANYWAY. im pissed i made a case to them to vote for amir and now no one will even make the move with me. I also bought a challenge advantage which i wanted MOSTLY so i could just tell people thats what i got from it because to me i suck at challenges anyway, so it shouldnt paint as much of a target on my back and i want people to know i dont have one of those really scary ones (and i also want to keep making people think amir or kendall has something good), but ali did confide in me he has the vote reveal which made me trust him a lot more, and i dont plan on revealing to anyone what he told me so anywho, tribal is NOT gonna go my way tonight, i tried to make a move but liam is unfortunately completely unsaveable because he's not around even though i do like talking to him personally, i opened the door to people and it just got slammed in my face but in this game you have to learn when to drop it so im hoping i dropped it fast enough to not be a future target because people could still very well vote me out next because they'd be taking out the only real beauty left!

tj, jordan and duncan are all going home as soon as possible. they really think they are slick and they are not. they think they can badmouth me, my game and my position and it wont get back to me. there is a word for it and it is clownery. one of them is going to get to stepping really soon. maybe jordan.

also i cant be too mad at liam because im voting him but i wish it wasnt like this. well. what can you do. if he plays an idol im playing mine.

Now that we're told the right day... Well, it looks like most people are back on the Liam Train, and damn I really don't want this move to be made. Like, yes, it will set me up well moving forward: less "Brawn Alliance" hype, more battles between Adam/Ali vs. Beauty Babes, and a decent amount of social mobility for me. But this just feels like a giant waste and I don't know how to stop this at this rate.

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First of all: YAASSSSSSSS WE LOVE MAKING THE MERGE!!!! I’ve gotten over my Scott grief and actually am pretty content with him out of the game since he was a big contender to win it all. The time I’ve been able to spend talking to people has been amazing and I feel like I genuinely have a good relationship with everyone on the tribe besides Liam, which is why I’m happy to see him go. He’s a really nice guy but he’s not adding anything to my game. I expect the vote to go 11-1-1 tonight. I could always get idoled out or blindsided and that would suck but you try your best and do what you can! I think I have EXCELLENT relationships with Amir, Jordan and Autumn and that’s like the kingpins of each group so if someone comes after me hopefully I’ll hear about it one way or another. I need to get my head out of Amir’s ass though, I’m most excited to play with him and we called for literally 2 hours and 50 minutes yesterday. I’ve always thought he was cute and intelligent from when I was in the community before and I fangirled getting to play with him. I like to think I’m in a good position in this game so far, we’ll see as the game progresses. One last thing? ADAM!? SIS?!?! EVERYONE IS AWARE YOU LIED TO THEM! YOUR ASS IS GOING HOME NEXT! PERIODT!! (Hopefully I’ll be here to help vote you out lol

Well, here we are? This is where my game was MADE back in Guyana, however, I clearly don't have a solidified alliance I am willing to take to the end at this stage. We have 5 Brawns, three former winners, a person I voted out in Guyana, two people that voted me out, and a person I tried voting out last round all still in the game. Still, I am going to make the best of it. In the short period of time this game has provided, I have been able to make REALLY solid connections. Not all of them are 100% genuine, but the hope is that they're enough to gain trust and information that I can use to advance my game.

if i go home tonight im gonna lose my marbles

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so basicallyyyy jakey is gathering intel from the other sideand apparently theyre all scared of me, grow up??? im literally harmless wtf

HOHOHOHOOGO WHO WANTS SOME TEA ? SO DUNCAN SPILLED THAT back long ago on original hathor, remember when I was losing my mind thinking aj ratted everything to Adam It was THE TRUTH and I’m glad aj has been dealt with. It’s what he deserves .

adam thinks hes so fucking slick running around telling everyone i gotta go and that i have the idol, and then messaging me in my pms trying to call and have a "tea-spilll uwu" when hes just going to use that against me anywayyyy honey u arent as smart as u think u are, and when the time is right, you're getting crucified ADAM CAME TO ME TO BE LIKE "FUCK JAKEY WON IMMUNITY" and im like "ik :( " and he runs to jakey and goes "THE RATS ARE MAD U WON" mark my words if im leaving this game i will blow him tf up on the way out

these people are all rats ALLIANCE: Threats R Us members: jakey ali autumn Source: jakey ALLIANCE: (name unknown) Members: Autumn Duncan TJ Jordan Source: Autumn so autumn ratted on an alliance to me and not the other, which lets me know that she is far more invested in Ali that she is in Duncan. Working with Duncan is not going to save face with autumn, i have to treat her as a separate entity and work with her genuinely if i want safety from ali, like she sold duncan tj and jordan down a river to me so fast i love her so much, i want to work with her but i have to see how far it goes people i want out : adam tj liam ali jordan but rn ill settle for anyone but me cuz no one is talking to me

devon wanted to talk real quick and tellin me that there was a whole ass plan started by adam to get me out, like say the vote is kendall but actually vote for me, and the plan was entertained by brawn, also i told jakey i have the idol, and jakey told me ali has 2 idols a vote reveal and an idol block

#BackWithVengeance

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shogunpenny · 7 years

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Answer all 100

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?: Not romantically, no2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?: Oh fuck this is a tough one. She cheated on me, but being the christian that I am, i’m called to forgive people who wrong me, no matter how badly. So reluctantly, yes. (doesn’t mean i’ve forgotten it, or will act like it never happened) 3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17: “He closed his eyes, but he could still see himself, huddling like a rabbit with nowhere left to run, Aes Sedai closing round him like ravens”4: What’s something you really want right now?: A girlfriend5: Are you afraid of falling in love?: Not particularly6: How can I win your heart?: Buy me a sword7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?: nope8: What’s the background on your cell?: Currently its a default background because last month my phone decided to completely reset itself. Previously it was Gabe Newell9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?: What10: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?: Yeah11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?: My life is a trainwreck, but tbh I don’t know what I expected12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?: My sister’s13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?: Rottweiler, but not a huge preference14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?: Seeing as how my depression limits the amount of emotions I can feel at one time, physical.15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?: A zoo16: Are you tired?: Always17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?: Since I was born18: If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?: This year probably19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?: Incredibly unlikely, I wanted to think of an amusing analogy, but my mind has gone blank, so basically God would have to manifest into a physical form and start yelling at me to do it before I would consider it20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?: I’ve never kissed anyone romantically21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?: *Smashes that mf marriage button* Fuck yeah!22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?: Read Above23: When was the last time you were disappointed?: Every fucking day by myself24: Is there a certain quote you live by?: Probably risky to say cus the majority of tumblr hates him, but I love Jontron’s quote “If I can’t be the best at something, I sure as hell can be the worst25: What’s on your mind?: “Fucking hell i’ve still got 75 more of these”26: Do you have any tattoos?: No but i’d love to get one some day.27: What is your favorite color?: Purple28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?: Idk?? I can’t see into the future. Hopefully soon??29: Who are you texting?: Nobody atm30: Are you superstitious about anything?: Not legitimately31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?: Yep. shortly before I found out my ex was cheating on me I had lots of anxiety that she might be doing something of that sort. Usually my anxiety is unfounded, so it really sucks when its not. 32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?: Yeah, a few33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?: Feelings? For MY me?? (It’s not likely at all) 34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?: Not really35: What was the reason for your last breakup?: See Above36: Were you single on Valentines Day?: Not this last one37: Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike: uhh. I literally cannot think of one physical thing I like about myself, whereas there are many I dislike38: What do your friends call you?: Most of them call me Penny39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?: Not badly, no40: Have you ever cried over a text?: No41: Where’s your last bruise located?: Is it particularly normal to keep track of bruises? I don’t know42: What is it from?: I don’t know, I don’t even know if I have any bruises currently43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?: I can’t say i’ve been anywhere particularly terrible in such a way, atleast not physically44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?: My Mom45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?: I only have one pair of shoes, as sad as that sounds. I actually have a another but they’re so worn out they can barely be called shoes anymore, and I only wear them when i’m going outside really quickly.46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?: Not much anymore. I used to wear hats all the fucking time when I was young, similar to a security blanket sort of thing, until a few years ago I just stopped47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?: No48: Do you make supper for your family?: Very often, yes. I swear my family would starve sometimes if they didn’t have me to make the food49: What’s the toughest decision you made this year?: I’ve barely made any decisions this year, everything’s basically just been thrust upon me50: Top 3 web-pages?: A private forum where some of my friends and I hang out, Youtube, and Tumblr51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?: My dad and brother52: Does anything on your body hurt?: Not without messing with it. I have some acne, and a weird boil thing under my arm that hurts slightly if I mess with them53: Are goodbyes hard for you?: Depends if its permanent or for a long time. If so, yeah. 54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?: Probably coffee55: How is your hair?: Usually it likes to tangle and is rather coarse, but right now its not particularly bad in either of those regards.56: What do you usually do first in the morning?: Go back to sleep57: Do you think two people can last forever?: Yeah58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?: I was 9 years old. 9 year olds aren’t typically known to have SOs59: Green or purple grapes?: Purple60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?: Probably tomorrow for my mom61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?: I wish I was in Israel, laying Jerusalem under siege with the lads. Deus Vult.62: What did your father teach you?: Many Things. 63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?: In bed, asleep64: What were you doing at 8 this morning: Sleeping65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?: Not really66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?: Any of my friends67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?: Not romantically, but yes68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?: Who the fuck can remember the last thing they thought before falling asleep? Like wtf can people do that? things just get progressively more and more hazy as I fall asleep, and the chances are my last thought is something completely random and unrelated to anything69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?: Every time I draw70: How many windows are open on your computer?: 3, Skype, Steam and Firefox71: If you won 100 million dollars, what would you buy first?: Probably just put a lot of it into a savings account or something so I can make sure I live a comfortable life without having to work72: What is your ringtone?: Twilight of the Thunder God73: How old will you be in 5 months?: Still 1974: Where is your Mum right now?: Probably asleep75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?: Its really hard to love someone who cheats on you76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?: Yes, my niece.77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?: for the most part, yeah78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?: No79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?: A few people80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?: Excluding my mother’s when I was a babby, no81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?: Not including every girl I see, probably like 282: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?: I hope not83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?: Not unless she somehow materializes into my house84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?: umm i doubt i’m above getting drunk, but definitely above harassing people like that85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?: Depends on the drugs, and just how much she was into them. If she smoked weed every once in a while, who gives a shit? 86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?: Umm, I got to see the movie?? 87: Who was your last received call from?: My mom88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?: like, I hate cruelty to animals and shit but fuck man, that’s a thousand bucks we’re talking about. 89: What is something you wish you had more of?: Money90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?: my ex91: Do you sleep with your window open?: Only in the summer when the AC hasn’t been turned on92: Do you get along with girls?: All of my coworkers save for one are girls, so yeah. 93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?: No94: Does sex mean love?: Not necessarily95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?: See Above, have never kissed anyone romantically96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?: See Above97: Did you sleep alone this week?: This week, and every week of my life98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?: Not one specific person, but my friends usually do the trick99: Do you believe in love at first sight?: Not really100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?: I don’t think I ever have pinky promised anyone

That took way too long

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flameontheotherside · 6 years

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Part 1. Erik The Playa aka Man-Whore

😂👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Yes he's got many women... Actually just 3 haha!

So I have conversations with Erik telepathically my listening to Erik Radio 110.0 HZFM (gave it a new name). Remember, we all have "spiritual alters" that's including your galactic spirit (if you have one idk for sure), your spirit self, past life selves that make up who you are. Your higher self is just a computer. Your highest form of higher consciousness running the program your spirit self plays in this game called life.

In the dimensions were Erik and I live, it isn't just us. Vanessa (my spirit self) and who I will now call my "galactic self"... I will call her "A". Then of course me but usually I'm the observer and sometimes commentator. While Vanessa and Erik interact. My "galactic self" I'd quiet and triggered in to existence. Vanessa and I end up being observers at that point. I remember and see everything going on like I was one of those two grump and annoying Muppets in the theater in the seats above. If you remember seseme street.

This morning the three of us had a conversation...

An uncomfortable one. I listened to Vanessa talk to Erik. Her voice is higher I guess you can call "sweeter" in tone or cadance. Erik is lower and of course manly. So I listened to them. It's like listening to the morning radio show but not as dramatic or hyped up. 😂 👌🏼 LOL I'm so serious.

So they discussed very discriptive about having "High Functioning Autistic Spectrum Disorder, with mild (or moderate) to severe learning disability"... Uh what? OK I know about being ASD but it's not that bad. I don't really give it much thought. Then in to deeper detail on my symptoms and how it affected my life and schooling. I couldn't continue my developmentmal therapy class in high school because thiey didn't provide one. I only continued to see the school therapist from elementary to 12th grade. Like most women with asd, I was diagnosed with bpd first.

There wasn't a name for my "condition" back in the day and asd was thought to be just for boys/men. I thing I remember clearly is my uncle making fun of me for carrying around an old dirty t-shirt that I refused to let go of. He nicknamed me Linus from Charlie Brown. Lucy has always been my favorite. I knew who he was from the comic books my mom would read to me. I would freak the fuck out if it went missing or when my mom tried to clean it. I remember throwing myself around and screaming. Even at 3 I was still a "baby talking" so Kane was my translater.

Autistic, bipolar and now tourrettes?! (wtf)

OK, I know the bipolar very well. We have a love/hate relationship. 😂 Pun... Lol. I continued to listen in. Erik started to bring up times when I had exposed. I was like oh okay I know what he's talking about. Back in school, I was bullied a lot for being dumb, quick to anger, and not only called, "Freak" and "crazy chick" but "twitchy". Of course, I didn't pick up it was an insult until later. I had a skinny very skinny friend with a "genetic weight disorder" who was called "Twiggy". 😂 I didn't realize at the time these things were insults. I would call her that thinking it was a cool nickname.

I get random nervous twitches. Sometimes even when I'm not nervous. It sounds like a mousy sneeze (my sneezes are loud) but my whole body jerks and I squeek at random. I never gave it much thought till now. Erik said at least when I did it, it appeared "cute". My touretts wasn't as bad as his. It's just a name for one of my many many quirks. I still don't feel like addressing it is a big deal. It's just a quirk and it's not that serious. So they didn't talk much about it. He said its true.

He said, "Remember, we are Twin Flames, Vanessa."

Just like genetic identical twins (but I have a fraternal twin) but with the same spiritual blueprint. It's not always true but in our case our identical spiritual blueprint manifested physically too. Similar issues and similar experiences... Erik made a good point. Even if we were somehow together, it wouldn't work out between us. Like in the three lives we had, he would still hurt me and leave me in the dust. It was hard to swallow. Vanessa asked that when we incarnate next, would there be any concerns? Oh, good point Vanessa...

Part 2. There will be a New America.

He said we would have a better incarnation because we are working through our "karma" even as we speak. We will meet in high school andr become high school sweethearts. Awww... But why Russia?! Because by then global warming will make that place or region warmer and America would be cooler. Also people will want to emigrate from because our government would be so currupt that everyone just about will have had enough. Russia would adopt a government that America should have had and be more honest and fair. Not catered to the rich and powerful. Much of the US will be under water (no surprise).

Just like how we find archeological sightings of old civilizations...

Our civilization will be discovered like those of old. Much of our world will be under water for future scientists to discover. My family and his family along with many will move to Russia but Erik and I would be born there. We would vacation to America because it's not like a Wasteland. It will be the same but a bit waterlogged and givernmentally retarded. He said I wouldn't like my vacation very much if at all.

America in that future would mostly be so culturally mixed that it will be known as a genetic landfill... Well damn. We would all for the most part will be many shades of brown. Hardly any white or pale skinned people. Many people from poor "brown countries" will have immigraged. Enticed by the "American Dream" only to become the "new slaves" working shitty jobs and under a mind controlling government. Language would be a mix of Spanish, English and French (not like it already is now) but kind of like a single language. American. Just American. If that's making any sense. Lol

😘 💞 💕 ❤️ I frikken love yall!

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧Don’t forget to take a look at Erik’s blog ran by his amazing mom Dr Elisa Medhus. Lots of stuff about his afterlife and shit. channelingerik.com … And YouTube

There is a new Twin Flame in spirit support forum: Spirit Spouse Support Group check it out!

Get your first Twin Flame/Mediumship reading free and take a look at affordable detailed readings here! (◕‿◕)♡

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smart-pony · 8 years

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Journal 1/0

12/31/2016 4:16 AM

60 mg fluoxetine

300 mg bupropion

I had an appointment with Dr. Goodman yesterday, which both parents attended. I get the feeling that it didn’t go well. He seemed very convinced that I was manipulating my parents to maintain a comfy position, which might imply the possibility that I’m not really suicidal. The same thing happened with Devon, both parents have mentioned me being “manipulative”, and it seems like there isn’t a person in my sphere of contact who’s capable of understanding my thoughts - maybe because they aren’t well formed to begin with.

Every time someone tells me I’m manipulative, my response is unusual. With Goodman, I got hot in the face and had adrenalin pumping while I explained why his supposition was wrong. What’s got me making this journal in the first place is how long that session’s been buzzing in my mind, in the back and even in my dreams. That nagging feeling that I’m the common element here and the best conclusion to come to is that I really am a manipulative cunt. I can observe my conscious thoughts well enough to say that there’s no conscious intention there, but is that a true, underlying, unspoken goal?

I don’t care about death. I came to terms with it years ago; it’s going to sleep and never waking up, and I quite like the nonexistence of sleep. I keep going because other people want me to, and I haven’t collected enough pain to justify canceling the experiment. But of course that could just be a rationalization, and I really have no intention of killing myself and maintain that as a facade to get what I want. That really hurts to think about… I imagine such a person, with the universal compassion I consciously maintain, as vile and disgusting, to others undeserving of any compassion or empathy. An inhuman leech, a tumor on an unsuspecting host who perhaps thinks it looks cute.

This video comes to mind: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_EbjHRIwvg

For context I guess, this train of thought started during the appointment a few minutes after the perceived accusation, manifesting as slight depersonalization, lack of focus, and difficulty remembering things. The thought that was brewing, quite a new and frightening one, was that I was doing my parents an immense disservice in continuing to live. Here I was, accusing everyone else of stringing me along and not letting me die while stringing everyone else along with the constant threat of suicide. They’d grieve of course, but the net gain (if done early enough) would be less negative and I’d be forgotten about with time. They’d no longer have me as a constant worry on their mind, perpetually seeking help for a lost cause.

A particular phrase has been bouncing around with this idea; my mother saying “if I dropped him off at a homeless shelter, I’ll never see him again”. What is the feeling that twinges with this? Pointed, heart-focused, on the negative valence of things. Somewhere between guilt and sorrow I guess. Why do I so sel-

How melodramatic could I be? I don’t really affect their lives… I’m holding myself to this cartoonish image of a martyr destined to sacrifice himself to end the intrinsic suffering he hoists onto others. I feel like I can’t help it… This is a stream of consciousness post, these are my thoughts as they happen, and they sound like a bullshit artist coming up with a new scam. No wonder everyone else knows I manipulate them.

But what is it, anyway? I never got a good response for why what I’m doing is manipulative rather than stating facts as they become relevant. If I know I can’t survive without a host to burden, I have exactly 0 qualms about killing myself when I’ve run out of options. It’s not like I constantly hold this over their heads and remind them time and again that I’m only still alive because they keep giving me blood. It only comes up when it becomes relevant, which I guess is exactly the time a con artist would bring it up.

I took a long pause to think just now

It feels like I should seek to kill myself regardless of my better judgement because the more I think about it, the more excuses I’ll come up for avoiding it and thus prolong the suffering of everyone. It feels like a conflict of interests… It feels “wrong” to die without exhausting every last opportunity, but I already know that I probably won’t get better.

You know, Dr. Goodman said something which I’ve always found reprehensible, the appeal to the pain suicide would inflict on others. It feels like he doesn’t know what depression is despite him being a literal PhD. I know what effect it has on people, it’s part of why I haven’t. The heinous thing about it is that it directly implies that the pain of others is more important than my own, to the point where my pain is irrelevant.

Since the meeting I’ve grown a self image of a dangerous psychopath who’s hellbent on free-riding rather than do anything to become self sufficient.

It bothers me, do people think I like this? That I like going day after day after day wallowing in my failure as a person, squeezing out what little enjoyment I can get from my usual escapist activities? They see me on the couch “playing” on the computer. What they don’t see is the monstrous self image, the sullen acceptance of being inhuman and broken to the point of worthlessness. They don’t see how those activities are my desperate attempt to stay away from being alone with my thoughts where I know I’m in for a beating.

But Dr. Goodman sees a speed bump where I see a wall. The meeting gave me a bizarre shift in perspective where I fully appreciated just how absurd my depression-founded complaints are. He clearly thinks I’m a lazy, petulant child too full of himself to pull his head out of his ass for one goddamned second. It drives me crazy because I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me… The answer should be that I’m lazy, selfish, entitled, spoilt, etc.. Like a much more extreme version of Katie’s explosion about not cleaning the bathroom lest it “kill the baby” from chemical fumes.

But I cling onto the {hope, vain, delusion, lie} that it’s somehow not true, despite all the evidence, that there’s some unspoken issue underlying it all.

Arrogant little bitch. Narcissistic leech, psychopathic with a martyr syndrome bordering delusion.

It feels pointless. Nothing I can call myself sticks because the basket’s already full to bursting. I wish I could hate myself so much more than I do, because then at least my parents would have some kind of karmic retribution behind the scenes. But it all just bleeds into apathy. Maybe it’s the medicine, maybe it’s desensitization.

I just wish I could go into cryosleep until the day, billions of years into the future, that all my problems are solved. Is that so much to ask? I have to live through each day. I wish there was something I could do to myself to both limit my impact and provide a drop of punishment to the dried well. I guess I tend to only eat one meal a day (plus coffee), but that’s more out of sleep scheduling and forgetfulness than intentional neglect.

I feel like Dr. Jeckyll. Mr. Hyde is the reprehensible, evil villain that I see reflected back to me by the world, doing everything in his power to make everyone miserable for the highest gain. Jeckyll is a tiny voice on top, unheard in howling winds, screaming to put others infinitely above my self. It’s not a dual personality though, it’s two sides/interpretations of the same set of actions and thoughts. What I see as good intentions, at least at a conscious level, appears to everyone else to be all the stuff. It takes a special madness to ignore what everyone is telling you because it hurts your feelings.

Everyone should hate me. Dr. Goodman should hate me, my parents should loath me, my grandparents despise me. No one sees me as inhuman, but no one sees me as quite human either it seems. What am I?

This is why I want to die. Not because of any severe emotional torment, that died with my identity in college (idk, it’s nice to say now but I do have depressive spikes that are pretty close to that). I don’t have a place in this world. I’m not a person, or at least don’t deserve to be, but I’m not an unperson either. I’m nothing, screaming at nothing, plagued by nothing, filled with nothing… Death is the only way to truly be nothing. To stop this crime against my true nature, a worthlessness so complete that to imagine the infinity to describe it fails imagination, an unspeakable absence of speech or thought or meaning. It’s perverse to even try to describe it. I just want to stop.

Finished 05:17 AM

#personal #journal #self-esteem

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