jessielakewood - Tumblr blog

[jessielakewood]

Witch Identity

Weird things have been happening lately. It's been since the pandemic started that I've started my re-awakening, as an empath/intuitive/psychic. But now I'm starting to wonder about labels. Witch. I've spent the last year or so saying I'm not one, and that its a religion, and that I was those things I just said. But as a psychic, I feel the few new things I do are a bit crafty, if you know what I mean. Burning bay leaves in an otherwise textbook example of certain psychological therapy, doing so according to the moon's phase, that sure sounds witch-esque. Well, its manifestation. So IF manifestation is considered magic, and I'm doing the manifesting, doesn't that make me a witch? I know the whole year and one day studying thing to become a practicing witch, but I mean, ugh. Its so difficult to explain, but I'll try. It took me a long time before that re-awakening was able to happen. When you end up in a mental hospital and your ex thinks you're doing witch craft because you bought a few crystals and got reiki done while he was conditioned heavily to catholicism until public high school, you would probably abandon any thought as well. I wasn't doing witchcraft, I was recently raped & manic. And the pendulum I got from Oregon, I shoved it all away and said it wasn't real, that it was part of a manic episode. But then, a number of years later, this pandemic becomes global and we all were on our computers and phones more than we ever thought we would have to, or even want to. But it was necessary to get things done. An escape was also necessary, and so many of us have tiktok to thank for that. Can you believe that somehow the algorithm showed me the same intuitive/psychic as the first video on my "For You Page" every single day for at least 3 weeks? I got a reading with her last November, in part because my grandmother died last August, but also because I wanted to vet her knowing that she also offers coaching courses, and that I was interested in taking one. And then I did, just this past July. But that was for psychic stuff, now witch stuff, and J.D. is definitely not a witch. Although of course I do follow a number of witches on tiktok. We usually have overlapping interests. Something funny J.D. said in a TikTok was about this little Halloween trick, where you dress up as what you want to be, and she laughed and said, "the year i started all this, I was a psychic for Halloween." So I followed suit. And it was a great choice because I got my dad to buy me a crystal ball and tarot cards and a dress I love, all with SPIRIT HALLOWEEN slapped on it to make it alllll make-believe. I would have bought it wight the debit card mom fills for me, but when i got to the register, i realized I didn't have my card. This was the first time I went out and made a purchase in the pandemic; I had given JP my card months ago so I could pay for things without being there. JP is an essential worker, I was an essential stay-at-homer (auto-immune). Thankfully, My parents were getting lunch across the street so THAT is how dad ended up paying for those things, half of witch, ahem- which, I never planned on showing him. Then by the new year, I had an actual rider-waite deck. Have i read up and really learned my tarot? Nope. It's cool, and I love shuffling as a fidget, but I'd rather have readers on tiktok tell me what's up. And I'm guessing that's because tarot isn't the main thing I'm drawn to, it's just divination.

So then what am I most drawn to? Magic? Magik? As aesthetically pleasing as it seems, I do not really want to brew things or do spells, its not like harry potter. Yes maybe a spell jar sounds cool and I want to melt wax over something containing herbs, idk kinda cool. I think I'm scared of the unknown but also scared that this is school and i am behind in my studies. That's how i felt at church; the few times I went, I didn't go with the other kids did when it was time for sunday school. It was school, and I hadn't read the textbook (the bible). Now I feel like there's piles and piles and piles of "textbooks" I havent studied yet whenever I think about this whole witch delima. Both my parents know I took that course, but there's something you've gotta understand about that. One, like i said i was going around saying imnotawitch imnotawitch, and two, my dad experienced my psychic gift when I was 8. Our cat was killed by a pack of dogs, and we buried her in the woods, under a huge tree. Some time goes by, not a lot, and I dream that my dad is mowing the lawn as I walk through the side yard, into the woods, and towards the big tree. I wake up when I reach my cat's grave, and I know something is wrong. In real life, I walk across & out of the house to find dad mowing in the exact same spot from my dream. I walk up to him & tell him there's something wrong with her grave. He tells me its fine, we put so many rocks on top, there's no way- And I stop him, "Then show me nothing's wrong." He sighed, turned off the mower, and came with me. When we got there, I saw pieces of the tablecloth she was wrapped in, here and there, going all down the wooded hill. I told him and my mom about the dream, him on the spot. The way he looked at me, so quizzical but not angry.

So I guess it made it easier to tell him that I have the ability he already kinda knew I had. But "witch??" That's a dilemma.

JP bought one of those book boxes, except when you open it there's a little safe lock you have to get through first. I broke one, set another, and then realized that I didn't have anything to put in the book safe, nothing I felt I needed to keep away from Jp's eyes. That sounds good and healthy. But I care very much about what my dad thinks. I'm even worried that JP's mom will one day realize I'm evil or something (why do I date guys with crappy dads and catholic mothers??). But I want to get over this fear and be authentically myself. Trouble is, at this point, I'm not quite sure of who I am. If I was sure, then I would embrace it. over the last 19 months, the things I like to do became a big question mark. My phone games that I played daily for literally years on end, I stopped playing every day. And besides Harry Potter Hogwarts Mystery & Pokemon Go, I've stopped playing them all together. I do still spend way too much time on my phone, I'm sure by now you can guess which app takes up most of my time.

I've also graduated from college, so of course I've been in transition. Now I'm not even looking for a job until my health improves. That's why I am attempting to manifest, I need good health before I can get to my next milestone of making an income. Something has been rolling around in my head since alex said it years ago while i was upset. He said, "You always end up getting what you want." So I'm convinced I've been manifesting my whole life, but not always positively. I dont really want to talk about whether or not I can and have made myself sick and where to draw the line from my fault to my illness. It took me 8 years to get that degree, and I was treading water the whole time with my chin just above water, dipping occasionally to make me take a semester off. That's all I know, school and struggling, since 4th fucking grade. So it is a natural time to re-evaluate what i like, what i want, what i want to do, and so forth. But that doesn't make it easy.

TWO - Back To The Point

Am I a witch? On an ancestral level? Well, if i go back far enough my white ass definitely came from witches at some point. I dont have a direct link that i know of, but if what we call witchcraft was the way of life for the vast population at one point in human history, then I must be descended, but in a vague way that also means everyone else that looks like me has the same link because it is so old. So I guess my question is, what makes me so special that I am to be a witch? If i am to be a witch, or already are one. Even with a BS in Psychology, my stigmas are strong, and I want to tear them down so i can get tto the point where i really, actually, do not care what others think about who I say and show that I am.

I guess it is like Harry Potter in a way then. Like with the sorting hat, regardless of predisposition, you still make the choice yourself. It's funny, the year before I dressed up as a psychic for Halloween, I was a Ravenclaw witch. In July, the town I live in did a big interactive witch & wizard day, and I wore the same costume, the warm weather part (short sleeve white button-up w/ the hogwarts crest & blue & silver plaid skirt).

This year I said I wanted to do a couples costume, but JP didn't really want to be a dead groom, I've seen no great dead bride costumes, and I really only brought that up to hint at proposal.

Instead of reading those new piles of books, a little birdie told me to go back to my roots, so I think I will do just that. Why not a healthy mix of both? I'm spoopin it up, ten days before Halloween now.

Only ten days, and I have no clue what to wear.

[jessielakewood]

Jessie Lakewood

ONE "Hey are you okay?" There was a sharp pain coming from the side of my head. "Can you hear me? Show me you can hear me?" I opened my eyes and it took a couple blinks to focus. There was the outline of a man kneeling over me with a warm orange light keeping his face in shadow. "Do you want me to call the police? Did someone hurt you?" "Police?" I stammered out. Followed by, "I think someone's following me-Ow" I touched my head and then looked at my bloody fingers. My eyes adjusted to the light. The mans face was young and kind, probably in his early twenties. He looked very concerned. "I live right around the corner, why don't you just come with me and I'll get you a bandage. We can figure out what happened then and if you want to call the police, I will." I nodded my head, even though I still didn't know what police was. He helped me up and that's when I realized he was very tall. We walked the two blocks to his apartment complex and climbed the stairs to his apartment. He opened the door and we walked into the living room. "Go ahead and sit, I'll go get the first aid kit" He disappears into what is most likely the bedroom and comes back with a white box that has a red plus sign on it. "So what happened?" "I don't know" "Okay... Well I'm James, what's your name? "I... I don't remember" "Maybe I should call the police then..." "What is that?" "The police? Uh, they're people who work to keep us safe and lock up the bad guys and the harmless pot smokers. But they do mostly good. Well I mean, some of them are pretty racist, but like the whole thing is completely necessarily" He stopped talking, realizing that he was losing me. I was starting to space out. "Maybe I should take you to a hospital" "What's that?" "It's a big brick building with doctors inside, but that's not important right now!" He laughs, I am lost again but this time not because I'm spacing out. "Wow so you've really got amnesia then... Do you have any ID on you? Or.. Anything? I reached into my pockets and pull out the contents. In my hand, there is a crystal. It's perfectly clear. In my other hand, a coin. Both of these things seem mundane to me, but James picks up the coin and studies it. "What county is this from" "County?" "Oh right, how would you know what a county is if you don't know what police or hospitals are... But this is a really weird coin, it doesn't look anything like any language I've ever seen before." "Someone gave it to me for luck" "You remembered something! That's great!" Before he finished, the door opened. A short, tired looking but very pretty girl walks in, surprised to see a stranger in her living room. "Uhh, hi" "Hey baby, I found her on the ground by Lakewood Drive. She hurt her head and she can't really remember anything... Hey (Turning his head to me) uhh I'm going to just call you Jessie til we figure out your name... This is my girlfriend, Carrie. Carrie, amnesia girl I'm now calling Jessie." "Oh my god, shouldn't we take her to the hospital?" "Well, we were just talking about that. If we go, I'll have to get gas on the way... But baby, you should go to sleep, have you been at the library this whole time?" "Well, yeah.." "And did you have dinner?" "No, I forgot" "I'll just make you a grilled cheese real qui-" "This poor girl needs to go to the hospital!" "Right - okay, I'll take her and you eat something and then go to bed." James gets up and grabs his keys. Carrie tells me she hopes I feel better soon and starts to pour a bowl of cereal. "Eat something with more protein in it" James says. "Ya volt, al capitan!" Carrie replies, a little annoyed "Just looking out for you sweetheart" I follow James out of the door, down the stairs, and into his jeep. He plays the radio just loud enough to hear. "Do you remember anything about the guy you said was following you?" My head is throbbing while I try to remember how I got in the situation. I recall a deep voice yelling, but I can't make out the words. "He yelled something at me. I remember being scared and running. Then I woke up and you were there." We get to the gas station, and I learned that is a place where you buy "gas" that goes in your car to make it run. You can also buy other things inside the little building. James goes in and come back out a couple minutes later. He now has a box called "Marlboro" in his hand that he throws in the seat. He puts the pump back in its place, screws on the gas cap, and closes the little metal door. He gets in the car and misses the box with his butt by half an inch. He opens it and asks me, "do you care if I smoke?" I looked at him confused. "... Well I'm just going to do it and if you find it bothers you, I'll flick it out the window." He takes a small while cylindrical thing out of the box and puts it between his lips. Then, he reaches in his pocket that obviously also holds change and pulls out another strange little object. He quickly rolls his thumb across the top and a small flame appears, with a weird click-frictiony noise. He lights the "cigarette" (I learned) with the flame and then it disappears. He blows smoke out of his mouth. I am fascinated. It has an interesting smell and the end stays orange, burning slowly. I decide I like the smell. We get to the hospital and walk through a door under a sign that says EMERGENCY ROOM. He walks over to a receptionist and I follow. He starts to explain how he found me and all of a sudden, they both sound far away and underwater. I look up at the florescent lights and then everything went black. ------------- TWO "Oh shit!" I yell as I lunge towards this strange girl, who is now collapsing full faint style. I actually caught her before she hit the ground, almost loose my balance, find it, and hold her up. The receptionist, Barb, calls nurses to come down. A group rush in with a bed on wheels. One of them is Mrs. Sandra. "What are you doing here Mr. James?" She's been calling me Mr. James since I could talk. "Well, I found this girl and- can I come back with you guys?" "Sorry Mr. James, we gotta stabilize her first, but once she's okay I'll let you in her room. Just wait out here and if anyone asks, you're her big brother." I look at the floor as they rush away and see Jessie's crystal. I put it in my pocket and turn to Barb. Her face has changed back to boredom after the brief concern over Jessie. "Is there a phone I could use?" "There's a payphone outside" I walk outside while fishing out a quarter from my pocket and dial home. "Hey... Well, she fainted... Yeah, I'm gonna wait for her to wake up... Mrs. Sandra is taking care of her... I know it's weird but I have to make sure she's okay. If I'm still here when you get up for work, I'll call you... I hope I'm not here that long too. I love you too, bye." There's a bench next to the phone booth. I sit down and light another cigaret. My fingers touch the crystal when I put my lighter back in my pocket . I pull it out and examine it. It looks cloudy and dark grey... Wasn't it clear before? 45 minutes go by and Mrs. Sandra comes out to the waiting room. "You can come see her now, Mr. James. She's waking up" ------------ THREE I open my eyes slowly and find James over me, again. "Hello sunshine, you scared the hell out of me" "Sorry" "I didn't eat all my peanut M&Ms yet, you want some?" "Food? Yes please" He cups my hand and pours out brightly colored candy. I eat it. I realize how hungry I am. "I can go get you something else out of the snack machine if you want..." I then become aware of my surroundings. There is a tube going into my arm that is hooked up to a machine. There are wires stuck to my chest connected to a beeping machine. There's even tubes going into my nose, pushing in air. "WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO ME? DID YOU BRING ME HERE FOR EXPERIMENTATION??" "What? No, WAIT!" I pulled the tubes out of my nose and over my head. "I've got to get out of here! He's going to find me- did you.. Did you bring me to him??" I start getting out of bed. "No Jessie, calm down, everyone's here to help you" seeing that she's not listening, James pokes his head out of the room and yells for a nurse. Someone comes in, and I attempt to fight her off while screaming at the top of my lungs. James tries to hold me down, pinning me to the bed with such great force that it scares me. Suddenly, security comes rushing in but James tells them that he's "got it." The only older man in a group of young men orders the others to stay outside the door. He comes over to the side of my bed and looks into my eyes. He looks familiar. I hear "it's okay" in my head, and it seems like he said it, but he couldn't have with his mouth closed and with the fact that I didn't hear it with my ears. He takes my hand and I feel a pinch on my other arm. I feel my eyes flutter back in my head as the sedative kicks in. I close my eyes and I am transported somewhere else. It is dark. I look to my left and the security man is still standing next to me, still holding my hand. I look ahead and see the most beautiful astral landscape. The man speaks. "Granddaughter, I am here to show you the secrets of the universe." "Will I remember them when I wake up?" "No"