#this joke is not funny to anyone else but I think it's hysterical ok its so stupid

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

Just almost tripped over some rosewood branches I have lying about for Art Reasons and my legit first thought was "oh geez, stray sticks... or is that 'oh Styx, stray Jesus?"

[spooky-fm]

Phantom Thief

Ao3. Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 5. Part 6. Part 7. Part 8.

Part 4. Neal Caffrey … glows??

There is a moment of silence in which Peter swears he can hear his own heartbeat.

Neal takes a deep breath, clearly audible through the crack between the door and its frame and answers in that tiny nervous voice that he used earlier.

"Just. It's, it's a lot. And weird. But I promise I'm fine, and I'm going to explain everything, ok?"

Peter frowns in worry and takes a couple of steps back to give the conman some space to come out on his own.

"That's right, Neal, we promised not to freak out or jump to conclusions. Considering the last thirty minutes, I am pretty sure the explanation is going to be even more insane than your usual escapades. But we promised to hear it, all of it, remember?"

Jones makes a sound of agreement, and Diana puts her hand on her hips — one of her nervous tells.

"Your turn to rip our band-aid off, Neal," she calls out. "Whatever happened to your pretty face, I'm sure we can deal with it."

"Still technically my band-aid," Neal laughs quietly, and slowly opens the door, and oh, he really wasn't kidding about weird.

It's Neal, cannot be anyone else with that familiar shape of the nose and the cut of the eyes, the same jaw and same body type. The stance and the set of shoulders, even the clothes are all still so very Neal, but the rest...

Neal's normally blue eyes have been replaced with almost neon green, his hair is bleached white, his ears are longer and a little pointy, and his skin is several shades darker than before, in addition to being tinted green and glowing.

Neal's wide eyes dart nervously between their faces, and Peter is pretty sure that all three of them look completely gobsmacked. He feels a bit dizzy and tries to remember if he took a breath recently, but the glowing freckles on Neal's cheeks (are those constellations?) distract him from that train of thought.

As the silence stretches uncomfortably long, Neal gets more agitated, panic rising in his eyes, face closing off, conman smile automatically sliding onto his face to reveal sharp teeth (fangs, Peter thinks), shoulders deliberately loose, as if he is ready to spring into motion. Ready to run, Peter realizes, and the thought jolts his brain back to reality. He takes several shaky breaths, tries not to squirm under Neal's sudden laser focus on him, and tries to come up with something to say that won't spook Neal. He would usually channel El in situations like this one, with varying degrees of success, but for some reason his inner El is absent, and he gets inner Neal instead, of all people.

"Neal," he manages hoarsely. Hook. Neal tenses up even more, and Peter clears his throat before continuing. "Are you alright?" Line. Neal looks a little confused by the question, and opens his mouth, probably to repeat his earlier reassurance, but Peter keeps going. "It's just, you are looking a bit green around the gills." And sinker.

Three gaping faces whip towards him, and, yes, maybe the situation is serious, and maybe the joke is terrible, but the sheer confusion on their faces is so incredibly funny that Peter cannot help the grin that stretches his lips. It seems like the right course of action anyway, when Neal laughs — a little hysterically, but that is honestly understandable — and the tension bleeds out of his frame.

The sound breaks whatever spell kept them frozen in place and the two agents next to him finally close their mouths and shake themselves, adjusting their expectations of reality. Diana mutters a quiet holy shit, and Jones snorts a little helplessly in agreement. Peter smiles properly at that, certain that they will get the chance to get that explanation from Neal and that he will have time to freak out about whatever it is that the main headache of his life (now of green-eyed variety) wants to shatter about his notions of reality.

The smile dims when Neal's slightly hysterical laughter keeps going for far too long to be normal, and slides off his face completely when the laughter transforms into big gulping sobs that wrack his whole frame. He must have been quite a bit more nervous about them finding out about whatever it is that they are looking at. Or maybe he wasn't as unaffected by the kidnapping as he tried to pretend.

Peter slowly approaches Neal, making sure to stay within his line of sight and, carefully broadcasting his movements, puts a hand on his shoulder, hopefully grounding the man in reality. Neal leans into the touch, instead of shying away from it, so Peter must be doing something right.

"S-sorry," Neal whispers between heaving breaths, swiping angrily at his eyes and cheeks. Peter notes with some detached amusement that his fingernails are long and sharp, evoking an image of claws, instead of the usual immaculate manicure.

"You don't need to apologize, Caffrey," Diana says behind him. "You did nothing wrong. It's okay to be upset or overwhelmed."

Peter vaguely recalls Diana telling him about a psychology class Christie is taking to diversify her skills.

"She's right, you know," Jones adds his two cents. "We are pretty beat ourselves, and we are not the ones who were kidnapped and forced to reveal whatever this whole thing is. I'm still not sure what happened, exactly, but it's pretty clear you are freaked out about it, so it must be a big deal to you. Just let it all out." 

Peter remembers how proud he is of his team. He also remembers that he is in charge and needs to lead by example, which in this case involves providing comfort. If only it wasn't his one true weakness. He thinks frantically about what to do and finally locates his inner El.

"Neal," he asks gently, careful not to slip into his 'victim voice'. "Can I give you a hug?" There. It's not asking if he needs it, not even if he wants the hug — Peter is pretty sure that's the closest path to rejection of any comfort. But by phrasing it like a request for Peter's, not for Neal's sake, he is most likely to get an affirmative answer. Plus, Neal is used to agreeing with Peter but would have no problem saying 'no' if he truly is uncomfortable with the idea. Although, considering the way he is leaning into the hand on his shoulder, physical touch is probably not unwelcome right now. 

Neal gives a small nod, and Peter slowly closes the short distance and gathers him into a firm hug, making sure to keep it tight, but not constricting. Neal practically melts into him, and Peter gives himself a metaphorical pat on the back. 

Then he gives a real one to Neal and keeps gently rubbing up and down his upper back, his other hand bracing Neal's head on his shoulder. His hair is soft, softer than it is when Neal is — when Neal is not green-eyed and glowing (holy shit, his CI glows. what the fuck). He feels cold to the touch, and Peter remembers his earlier comment about not being sure whether the room was colder than normal. God, that feels like a lifetime ago, even though it has barely been an hour. 

Neal stops crying when Peter gets to thinking about explaining the situation to El, and stops trembling some time around when Peter is starting to consider lunch and dinner options. The conman is still slumped bonelessly against him, but his breathing has gone back to the rate that doesn't sound worrying to Peter, and he feels solid and steady under his hands. Still not warm, but considering the lack of shivering, Peter is tentatively labeling that as normal until further information is provided. For all of Peter's paternal feelings towards the conman, Neal is an adult, who does know how to take care of himself. Has, in fact, been doing that for decades, mostly on his own. The thought makes something uncomfortable clench in his chest again, and he squeezes Neal a little tighter, making the other man huff into Peter's shoulder in tired amusement.

Diana, not one for the touchy-feely displays in public, clears her throat and reminds them that the grace window which the marshalls allow them is probably not going to last for too long, especially since the office tracked Neal's location for them. Neal stiffens a little at that and gently extricates himself from Peter, who lets him go, but keeps a steadying hand on the younger man's back when he notices how shaky his legs seem to be. Neal rubs his face and shoots him a smile that has equal measures of gratitude and embarrassment. It also contains 70% more fangs than Peter is used to. 

"So," the conman says quietly, "I guess I should explain, right?" He has a bit of a lisp, on account of the fangs (fangs) in his mouth, that catch awkwardly on his lips. 

Peter looks over his team. Neal is smiling wryly and fidgeting with his cufflinks. He no longer looks like he is about to run for the hills, but some of the nervous shadows still lurk behind his (green, what the fuck) eyes. Diana seems to have collected herself, smiling her usual confident smile. Her eyes sparkle with curiosity, but she looks steady. Jones's eyes are still a bit wild around the edges, uncertainty visible in his stance. He has his hands tucked firmly in his pockets, but that's probably because, unlike Diana, he likes to get his comfort from touch and would have happily joined the hug if he had permission or an invitation. 

They don't look like they are about to explode. No impending crisis. Aside from the marshals and the anklet situation. Damn.

Peter makes an executive decision.

"First of all, where is the man who took you?"

Neal suddenly looks shifty. 

"He isn't, isn't a threat anymore, I have him, uh, captured. Oh, that sounds worse than it is. Ancients, how do I, what do I even say. Okay, right. Um, Peter, I promise I'll explain everything, but he is not a problem right now. Um. He is also too dangerous to be arrested by hu-, by the police. Please trust me on this." 

Neal is asking to trust him on many things already, so what's one more. Even if it's completely incomprehensible and possibly illegal. Peter makes another executive decision.

"Is there anything that we need to know right this second?" he asks Neal. 

The conman frowns thoughtfully and shakes his head slowly. 

"I don't think so," he mutters. "We should maybe collect the Fruitloop's things, it's really not a good idea to have them fall into the wrong hands. I can grab his stuff, while you uh..." he trails off.

Fruitloop. Sure, why not. Is that his nickname for Masters or is it someone else with an equally insane story attached. At any rate, it's a problem for future-Peter.

"While I call the marshals and inform them that I will be taking you to my place to recover from a kidnapping from one of your old enemies. I will then call Hughes and repeat the plan, explaining that I will be sending Jones and Berrigan to gather intel about the kidnapper, who seems to have taken off in an unknown direction."

Neal's mouth falls open a bit, and he swallows heavily before nodding sharply. "Technically," he smiles a little, a bit of his usual mirth returning to his eyes, "not a single word of that is a lie."

Peter returns the smile. He is fine with twisting the truth a little to protect Neal, but it's nice to know that he doesn't have to outright lie to his boss. He gives Neal's shoulder one last pat and takes out his phone to call Hughes. The marshals will be next. While the call connects he watches Neal carefully, ready to step in if he stumbles or gets shocked by the weird space tech energy. 

It seems that Jones has a similar plan, as he sticks close to Neal's side and watches him intently. He also produces a water bottle from somewhere and makes sure that the conman drinks at least half of it in small sips. Diana glances at them, looks around the hallway, pokes her head into the room that held Neal, and disappears down the corridor. She returns with a metal shopping cart that was apparently just there for some unknown reason, and Neal practically beams when he sees it. His freckles glow brighter when he smiles. What the hell. 

While Peter does some fast-talking with Hughes, Neal himself dismantles the futuristic (maybe actually possibly alien) tech with surprising efficiency. Soon, everything that distinguished this part of the building from the rest is packed neatly into the cart, and the three of them go on a hunt through the rest of the floor to make sure nothing remains behind. 

Peter has often wondered in the past what he would do in one of those hypothetical situations that can never actually happen. Like finding out magic is real or meeting an alien on Earth. When he arranges for a junior agent to drop off the replacement tracker at his house and assures Hughes that they do not need more people on the case of Neal's kidnapping, Peter discovers that the answer in the latter case is 'hide the possible alien from the government with the help of two other FBI agents'. He wonders for a moment if that means he just committed treason, and promptly stops caring about that question when he comes over to the rest of his team, where Diana is struggling with the busted front wheel on the cart full of possibly-alien tech, and Jones is carefully arranging his scarf over Neal's head to cover the most visibly strange features. 

AN: Peter just wants to get through the day. Unfortunately, the universe confronts him with moral dilemmas and ethical questions left and right. What would you do if your friend-slash-prisoner and sometimes pseudo-son turned out to (maybe) be an alien?

[amporella]

South Park Is Gay, Preschool, Smug Alert! and The List if its not too much hehe

tysm for the ask!! <3 i’m going to put these under a cut, thank you for giving me some of the best episodes mint

South Park Is Gay:

★ Do I like this episode? Why or why not?

I do!!! I actually really love this episode. Not even just for the message, but I think the outfits are just so damn cute, and Craig fighting with Cartman over who’s gayer is hysterical. Mr. Garrison and Kyle teaming up is weirdly perfect, and overall, I just can’t complain about this episode. I think it’s great.

★ Favorite moment? 

Craig is so mean in this episode and I care him a Lot. There’s something so funny about Craig beating on Kyle for being presumably straight lmfao. His gang wearing coordinating outfits is also adorable (potential fashion designer Craig anyone? no? just me? fine). Kenny’s tacky pink parka is also A+

★ Least favorite moment?

I’m very susceptible to second hand embarrassment, so I guess I would have to say the scene with Mr. Garrison in the bar. Just because it’s so awkward to watch.

★ Do I have an unpopular opinion about this episode? What is it?

I don’t know if I would call it unpopular, but this episode is definitely a solid contributor to my hc of Kyle being gay.

★ Something I would change?

Nothing really! I think this episode is just so good as it is fjeiaopfje. I guess I could do without some of the parents scenes. Also more Craig.

★ Rating out of 5? 4!

★ Anything else I want to say about this episode?

I’m not just gay, I’m a catamite!

Preschool:

★ Do I like this episode? Why or why not?

I do! The kids as kindergarteners are SO cute (stan’s little football shirt... i’m not ok), and Shelly’s role in the episode is actually really sweet. I just really enjoy it overall.

★ Favorite moment?

Definitely Shelly telling the boys that they need to apologize and make amends with Ms. Claridge. It’s not often that Shelly gets solid characterization, and I think this episode does a really good job of giving her some, even if it’s only a few lines.

★ Least favorite moment?

Probably just the scenes where the kids pee on the fires - it’s just a little gross lol. And I feel really bad for Ms. Claridge, especially in the last scene.

★ Do I have an unpopular opinion about this episode? What is it?

Nothing really! I’m pretty sure the opinion about the boys being d/cks in this episode is probably pretty popular lmao.

★ Something I would change?

★ Rating out of 5? 3.5!

★ Anything else I want to say about this episode?

look at her

Smug Alert!:

★ Do I like this episode? Why or why not?

I really like this episode! Episodes that showcase just how much Stan and Kyle need and love each other always own my heart. There are a ton of little things I like about this episode; musician Stan is always a treat, Ike in his little suit and hat destroys me, and this episode in general is just a really great depiction of the Cartman + Kyle dynamic - or at least Cartman’s thoughts and begrudging need to have him around. Plus, Stan being able to read Cartman so accurately is super interesting, and I wish Stan being so emotionally intelligent was included in fics more often.

★ Favorite moment?

Is there any other option than Stan writing a song and doing everything in his power to bring his super best friend back? (yes, ike asking for three hits of acid is a close second)

★ Least favorite moment?

Don’t really know if I have one! I really love this episode. If I had to pick one, I guess I would have to say the ongoing joke about sniffing farts wasn’t really a gut buster for me.

★ Do I have an unpopular opinion about this episode? What is it?

I don’t really think so! 

★ Something I would change?

Nothing! This episode is pretty much perfect imo.

stan loves kyle, thank you and goodnight

★ Rating out of 5? 4.5!

★ Anything else I want to say about this episode?

The List:

★ Do I like this episode? Why or why not?

YES. I love this episode. I love so many things about it. Kyle being ridiculously dramatic never fails to both amuse and charm me. I love Bebe and Wendy both getting their chances to shine, Stan doing everything he can to make Kyle feel better is so good, Clyde and his massive ego is hilarious, and Craig being cutest boy when the modifications to the list are reversed is delightful. This is one of the episodes that I can confidently say I really adore. Plus, the Pleases and Sparkles club brings me a lot of joy.

★ Favorite moment?

There are SO many good moments in this episode that it’s really hard to choose. I think I have to settle on Kyle actually trying to burn the school down - followed by all the Pleases and Sparkles club moments, Clyde’s general assh/lery, and Operation Cannot Possibly Fail.

★ Least favorite moment?

Don’t think I have one!

★ Do I have an unpopular opinion about this episode? What is it?

Again, I don’t think I have one; but I do wish people would include Kyle being dramatic af in fics more often tbh. I think it’s SO good, and people tend to lean on Kyle being the only sane/functional man a lot more than this episode would imply is accurate!

★ Something I would change?

Nothing! I love it as it is.

★ Rating out of 5?

5! A+ episode.

★ Anything else I want to say about this episode?

see this same question above - stan loves kyle and would do anything for him and that’s that <3

[yandere-musings]

Hey I don’t know if requests are open or not so please just ignore this post if they aren’t!! Could you please do headcannons or a scenario of yan Dabi or Tomura with a somewhat apathetic fem s/o? She just lets things happens and “goes with the flow” (as best you can when you’re kidnapped). Eventually her captor has to bring up the fact that most people would be hysterical over being kidnapped by a notorious villain. Thank you so much!! 💕

I still don't have much experience writing for Shigaraki so I'm sorry if he's a bit ooc! aaah I tried! Hope you like it!

Dabi

Yandere Type: Possessive, Sadistic, Controlling

• He had been stalking you for a while before he even made his move. It was easy enough though to steal you away. Break in with the key he had made, hide in your closet until you left the room, slip the dissolving sedatives into your glass of water then go back to hiding until you were out cold. Sure enough, you drank every drop and passed out shortly after. Dabi couldnt help but smirk as he came out of hiding and scooped you up, marvelling at how perfectly you fit in his arms and how easily things had worked out.

•When you woke up in the run down apartment he had you locked in, rather than screaming and panicing... You just looked around. A pity really. Dabi was oh-so looking forward to seeing your expression when you realized what was happening. But rather than hearing the sweet sobs he was longing for, you just sat silently. Perhaps you were in shock?

• "My name is Dabi. You belong to me now... This is your new home. If you try to run away, I'll kill you," he told you.

"Oh... Okay.... I won't run then."

Wait... What did you just say? Was that supposed to be a joke? Were you trying to trick him? Dabi watched you carefully, trying to piece together what game you were trying to play. Surely it wouldn't be that easy to break you in. Dabi knew these circumstances were supposed to be horrifying, making your reactions all the more suspicious. You stood up and began walking around his room and inspecting your surroundings. You picked up magazine that laying on the floor.

"I'm kind of hungry. Got any food?"

• The next few weeks left Dabi on edge. He was certain you were biding your time and planning an escape soon. Or waiting until he let down his gaurd before you'd attack him. But despite how ready he was for you to flip the switch and lunge at him, it never came. You just let things happen. Whenever he made food, you ate it without questioning if he had put anything in it. Whenever he pulled you close,you didn't tense up or struggle. Hell, you didn't even fight back when he shoved his tongue down your throat for a heated kiss. You never flinched. Never faltered when he forced his affections on you. What were you planning? Was he so beneath you that you wouldn't even waste the effort? Was he not good enough- even as a kidnapper?

• You were casually lounging on his bed, using his lap as a pillow while your eyes were glued go to the TV. The news was playing repeat stories of your possible death and disappearance, the lives lost during attacks by the league of villains and how blue flames had been littered across the city and burning whatever it touched to the ground. All these horrible images playing, clearly linked to him... And yet here you sat, relaxing in his lap like some kind of adoring pet despite witnessing the atrocities he has committed.

•Dabi is left with mixed feelings. On one hand, your lack of reaction infuriated him. He wanted to see you scared. He was looking forward to licking away those tears. Hear that beautiful voice crying and begging for mercy. Having you be so afarid of him that you would do anything he commanded... But he couldn't deny that he enjoyed this passive side of you. You were already submitting to him. You just went along with whatever he did with no resistance as if it was normal. Wasn't this exactly what he wanted?

• "Why aren't you scared of me y/n? You know what I'm capable of... Anyone else would be terrified," he questioned. You shrug.

"My life was kind of boring before this honestly. And you take care of me. So its not too bad here," you replied nonchalantly, not even taking your eyes off the television.

Dabi kept staring down at you. That's it? He treated you 'OK'? And you were fine with staying here? Dabi let out an amused grunt as he began to play with your hair. As weird a reason as it was, it was still a reason. Dabi was oddly... satisfied knowing that you genuinely weren't going to try to escape. You were perfectly content at staying at his side forever.

- - - - - -

Tomura Shigaraki

Yandere Type: Possessive, Controlling and Delusional

•A twisted smile spread across Tomura's face as Kurogiri's warp gate opened. Nomu stepped into the bar, an unconsious form tucked under his arm. Tomura quickly stood up from his seat and scurried over to take you in his own arms. He held you tightly against his chest, deeply inhaling the scent of your hair and struggling to surpress a pleasured groan and shudder. How long had he been waiting for the day to hold you like this? Far too long. It was if you fit against him perfectly like two pieces of a puzzle. One of the villains made an assertive cough, reminding him that Tomura wasn't alone in the room. He rolled his bloodshot eyes.

• They didn't understand his kind of love. None of them could, except for maybe Himiko. And even then, nobody in the world existed who could ever love you more than he could. Tomura cooed to you gently, marveling at how precious you were as you slept. He quietly excused himself, opting to take you to a private location rather than be prevy to the judgemental eyes. The sooner people stopped looking at his beloved, the better.

• When you came to, you were laying tucked neatly into a small bed in the corner of what looked like a giant cage. You yawned and sat up, only to look up and realize that you were not alone. Just outside the cell, a skinny man stood staring down at you with wide, blood red eyes. His gaze was intense as he breathed heavily, not once blinking or breaking eye contact. After a tense silence, he spoke.

"Wel..come home, Y/N.... I've been waiting... for so long to finally have you," he wheazed while gripping the bars of the cell.

"My name is Tomura... I don't think you remember me, but that's okay. It was so long ago when we met. But I never gave up on you. On us... I've been watching for so long, just waiting... Ahhh now we're finally together," he confessed airily, his cheeks turning red.

You looked around at the dingey room. The wallpaper was peeling back, windows nailed shut with wooden boards. This place was falling apart. The room was illuminated only by a small lamp that sat atop a computer desk so it was hard to make much out. Wait, what's that against the other wall? Another bed. Was this his room? Tomura extended his arm, pointing his finger at the small table by your bedside where a tray of food was waiting.

"I made your favorite... eat up my love."

•Tomura was sitting at his desk when he heard you clear your throat from inside your little prison cell.

"Excuse me? Tomura was it? Um... can you let me out of the cell for a bit? I can barely stretch out in here," you asked politely.

Tomura swiveled around in his chair, tilting his head curiously at your request. It had been quiet these last few hours. After you had eaten you meal, you had just been lounging around on the tiny bed, staying silent. Well, at least you weren't panicking as much as he thought you would. You weren't panicking at all really. Hmm.. He did want you to feel at home, since this would be your home until he decided otherwise. He could let you out to stretch right? He didn't want his beloved feeling crowded.

"If I do, will you behave?" he questioned.

"Well yeah. The windows are boarded shut so I can't get out that way. And that door over there is probably locked," you explained, nodding in the direction of the only exit on the opposite side of the room.

• Such a clever girl. Of course you would notice that sort of thing. You were his brilliant darling after all. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a keyring. Your eyes watched carefully as he inserted the key... but he didn't turn it. Your eyes went back up to his face where you found him.... staring at you.

"If you try anything funny... I'll put you right back in there," he warned.

"I won't."

• Tomura sat at his office chair, watching a video online with you sitting in his lap. Feeling you so close to him was wonderful. As promised, you were behaving. Execptionally well in fact. Tomura sighed happily, pulling you tightly to his chest and pressing into your back. You didn't even flinch when he snaked his arms around you to hug your waist. You were being totally complacent.

"You know, Y/N... I could kill you right now, if I wanted to..." he weezed behind you, his breath warm against the shell of your ear.

You shrugged and reached out to use the mouse to scroll the playlist of videos you had been watching. Tomura's hand shot up clamped tightly over your neck. You froze, stoping the mouse.

"Please don't ignore me dearest. Its bad manners," he hissed.

You swallowed and nodded.

"Hmmm... You know that I've killed a lot of people, right? Does that frighten you? Knowing that you're at the complete mercy of such a villain?" he whispered.

"... Not really. If you wanted to kill me, I wouldn't be able to stop you even if I tried. So I won't bother struggling. Do whatever you want to me," you admitted.

• Tomura's dry lips curled into a sickening grin. Oh my, the countless ideas that could insinuate. You remained as still, feeling his body begin to tremble as he giggled maniacally. Suddenly the hand that had been clamped over your throat loosened and fell to your arm, rubbing small circles on it. In any other circumstance, such a gesture would have been reassuring. But it was was more unnerving given the fact that he had buried his nose into your hair and continued to inhale sharply.

"Ahh, such a tantalizing answer my love... I certainly will do just that. I have so many fun ideas of things we can do. I'm sure you're just as excited to try them as I am."

[maddgarbagemonkey]

DEAR EVAN HANSEN 2018 TOUR THINGS THAT MADE ME CRY

Yep. Back at it again with this nonsense. I saw this show back in November and needed to frantically rant about how much of a MASTERPIECE it is and how in love I am with every single tour cast member. Buckle-up dorks and get ready to read a novel. Its gonna get pretty out of order so yeah, and obviously, SPOILERS for Dear Evan Hansen ahead. :)

So it opens and a bunch of live feed from multiple social media accounts appear on the monitors and screens surrounding Evan's bed and they make little beeping noises whenever there's something new and it was super cool and immersive.

I took like 2000 pictures of Evan's red bed and all of them turned out blurry but I will cherish every single one of them.

The classic Evan rant about sweaty hands and ordering food will forever be my eternal monologue. Ben also said that line so fast I was amazed that he didn't lose his breath and suffocate!

"Ohhh... Good." B A B Y

Heidi (Jessica Phillips) is my M O M. I love her and Cynthia's harmonies were superb.

Ok fam. Real talk. Ben Levi Ross. Best human 2019. Superior to every other person on this planet and I am unafraid of saying so.

I think a lot of people, including me, went into the touring show thinking "That Ben Levi Ross is cute, but I don't see how he could possibly compare to Ben Platt" STOP! STOP THAT NOW! THAT'S NOT OKAY! Because I can swear to you that his performance was one of the greatest things I've ever witnessed in my entire life and I cried so so very hard whenever he opened his mouth.

Not only should actors NEVER be compared to one another (as they are all their own people with their own incredible talent) but Ben's singing and performing was BEYOND WORDS! You could tell immediately how much of himself he put into Evan and did not doubt for a second that he should be up there instead of anyone else. His singing was so powerful and moving that I physically began shaking and did not stop until I left the theater, which Ben himself even acknowledged but more on that later. He was so incredibly talented it was unreal and I just wanted to take a second and say that he deserved every single moment of applause and cheering times a million. I need a recording of him singing Waving right now. BEN LEVI ROSS, GUYS!!!1!!!

oof, anyways his "Waving Through a Window" killed me. I'm dead. Gorgeous boy. Beautiful.

The way everyone's harmonies mix together and hit you in that song are phenomenal.

Jared, played by Jared Goldsmith, had such a squeaky highschooler voice and the biggest, doofy-est smile which made his stupid comments so much better. I loved him a lot. 10/10. Classic Jared.

Also, I would die for Marrick Smith.

Marrick, A.K.A. Connor was so good at being a broken teenager it hurt! I loved him a lot.

It also opened my eyes because... how do I say this without sounding weird... BOI HE THICK!

Marrick was so tall and swol and gorgeous and sweet and I love him and that's my TedTalk. It also created such a strong physical contrast between Connor, who was tall and strong and scary who processed his emotions through anger outbursts, with Evan, who was skinny and small and shrunk into himself and processed his emotions through hiding or running away, in a way that Ben Platt and Mike Faist couldn't really do. It was different in a good way and I really liked it! :)

Y'all can take Stronk Connor and Skinny Twink Evan out of my cold, dead hands.

In the cast signing scene, Connor was overly friendly and smiley which made the point where it all slowly fades into anger at "You wrote this because you knew that I would find it" so much worse.

The little tug on Ev's arm followed by a subtle "Ow" before signing. <3

"I LoVE JaZZ!"

I love the way Evan sits in chairs by taking up as little space as possible! Its such a cool detail to demonstrate Evan's social anxiety and his need and want to not take up too much space.

I just need to take a second to squeal about Phoebe Koyabe, who played Alana, because she had gorgeous pink hair and I was just all around in love with her voice and her quirky little Alana characteristics.

Here's where things are a bit out of order and blurred because I wrote down my favorite things and then instantly lost the paper so... this is all from what I rewrote later on.

During that line where Alana retaliates to Evan accusing her of using the Connor project for her college application, she became completely hysterical and began crying. That "because I know how it feels to be forgotten" will always be my weak point.

"Connor was OBSESSED with trees!"

"We were partners for our Literature class while reading Huck Finn. He was so funny! He came up with this funny joke where he'd say, well, instead of Huck Finn.... nobody else in our class thought of that!"

OH MY GOD ZOE!

Zoe, played by Maggie Mckenna, was so incredible and loveable it was insane.

Her voice was so deep and melodic that just listening to her speak made you want to curl up with a blanket and just be comfortable. She was also so expressive and good at delivering her lines that you felt and understood exactly what she was going through whenever she spoke. I loved her so much and can relate with Evan's sentiments in "If I could tell her!"

"That's just what you do when you're rich and don't have a job, you get crazy!"

That entire scene before "If I could tell her" was so good! She was so snarky and sarcastic with every line and I fell way more in love with Zoe. I love when she's not played as the angel love interest and more of a real character with flaws and feelings and emotions and Maggie's portrayal really solidified that for me! I love this little Jazz band brat!

I also need a recording of Maggie's requiem, it was beautiful!

There was this heartbreaking moment in that song where Zoe looked at and read through Connor's emails and held them close, but at "That you were not the monster," she crumbled it up into a ball and let it fall to the ground, covering up all her sadness with anger and it hurt me.

That song just hurt a lot all around. Cynthia, Larry, Zoe. Just all of it, all of their God-tier harmonies. All.

You'd also be glad to know that Zoe's star-covered jeans were in full view the whole time along with the ones on her sneakers.

There was this adorable moment in the scene before "Only Us" where Evan freaks out because he thinks Zoe's gonna break up with him and he screams and promises he won't start breaking things and Zoe just has to stop him like "no, you tree-loving twink, I'm not breaking up with you!" And Evan just stands there for a second and then does this sweet thing where he awkwardly bends down and grabs her hands and shakes them with a little "thank you." Then Zo copies his little hand thing as responds "Don't mention it!" They're so cute together and lovable it hurts! Hopefully nothing bad happens between them...

During Disappear, Connor started jumping on Evan's bed during "And even if you've always been-" and it was glorious and Evan just regarded it as a normal occurrence.

They also did this thing where they ran on opposite sides of the stage and then rejoined in the middle where Connor helps Evan put on his backpack and then just puts his hands on his shoulders in a moment of bro trust and admiration and then yeets out of existence at "when you're falling in a forest."

BEN'S YOU WILL BE FOUND WILL LIVE ON IN INFAMY!

During the panic attack before the song began, starting when Evan dropped his notecards, you can feel it radiating off of him so vividly that everyone in the theater was holding their breath.

First when he fell to pick the cards up you could see the tears swell up and hear his breath quicken and feel the panic swell like "no no no, this can't happen. Not now. Don't do this!" And the second you think he might be able to pull it together and stand up, he slips and hits his elbow so hard on the floor, we all jump. He lets out the most heartbreaking yelp and clutches his arm, abandoning his cards and the speech and all hope of recovering. The tears finally start to fall down his face and they don't stop.

Still holding his arm, Evan pushes his body out of the spotlight and holds himself in the fetal position, refusing to look up and just all around shutting hinself away from everyone watching. AND YOU CAN FEEL IT! You can feel Evan's shame and horror and fear and anger and it's awful. You almost have to look away because the emotions being displayed are so real and raw. More real than any recording or bootleg out there. And that's why Ben Levi Ross was so incredibly perfect in my eyes, because he could so accurately depict and portray Evan and what he's going through to the point where you have to look away to avoid the risk of being pulled under with him and losing yourself to your own habits and its heartbreakingly brilliant! Again, Ben. Fucking. Levi. Ross.

During "You Will be Found" they also display all these younger and baby pictures of Marrick along with present day ones to show little Connor, which was adorable. But then Larry, played by Aaron Lazar, looks up and sees little baby Connor on the screen and instantly breaks down sobbing, the first time ever since Connor died as we hear Zoe say earlier that "he didn't even cry at Connor's funeral." Cynthia has to come over and hold him to prevent him from instantly falling apart.

Evan and Jared also have this awkward high five at that part and its very uncomfortable and great.

There's another just horrible moment in the middle of words fail where one by one the Murphys all run off stage horrified at the news that Evan was lying. First, it's Zoe with Cynthia following after, frantically trying to grasp what happened with tears falling everywhere. Then Larry, who looks disapprovingly at Evan before solemnly following the others. Then, lastly, in what could just be described as the worst thing ever, one of the screens become transparent to reveal CONNOR, looking in dismay at what has happened, tears in his eyes, before also walking away from Evan back into the nothingness. Awful. Beautifully, beautifully awful.

Evan snuggles into Heidi and stays there for what seems like forever during "So Big, So Small" then, he finally lets go and Heidi rides away on the couch, reaching for him.

Okay, fam. That was all the specific things I wanted to scream about during the actual show, but then I had the pleasure of meeting them at the stage door which led to some great hijinks!

I said something really stupid to Jessica Phillips/Heidi when she signed my playbill probably along the lines of like "You were so amazing I might faint. Please catch me" and she SQUEALED! It was the best sound on the planet.

When Marrick Smith/ Connor came out, I was frozen in shock because, not only was he shorter than I thought and his cool hair was tied in a man bun and he was wearing a cool beanie and some hair feel into his eyes like a Myspace profile picture, I was so amazed that he was real and was standing so close to me. I was so amazed that I stood there like an idiot just staring at him and shaking while he smiled at me, an awkward little baby, until my Mom had to physically nudge me towards him to which he responded by giggling and saying "Aw! Don't be scared! I don't bite!" I... I. How? How do I live after that. He signed by his picture and, get this, also doodled a little mustache on Aaron Lazar/ Larry's picture. I am also proud to say that I saw his slightly chipped black nail polish up close in true Connor fashion. Then he thanked me for coming and waved at me. He was SO incredibly sweet and I couldn't stop smiling after that.

When Phoebe Koyabe/Alana came out with her gorgeous pink hair I squealed and told her she was gorgeous to which she kindly smiled and complemented my dress and signed my Playbill. She was a goddess and I love her so much.

Right before Aaron Lazar came out, My Mom without thinking just called out "Daddy" to which my sister and I were horrified.

Lastly, Ben Levi Ross, wearing the best sweater ever, came out and signed my Playbill. At this point my legs were absolute jelly and I was shaking so bad I almost dropped everything, but he was so SO NICE and, as a response to seeing me dying upon seeing him, said "Oh no! Don't shake! You're okay! Everything's fine!" He was so unbelievably chill and sweet and upon my family showering him with all of the complements he deserved was so down to earth and appreciative. It was so incredible to get to meet him and tell him how amazing he was!

In conclusion, I knew Dear Evan Hansen was incredible and loved it before, but actually seeing it made me feel so many feelings that I didn't know existed. Its such a genius musical and I 1000% recommend! There was not a weak link in the cast! They were all so sweet and talented and just absolutely PHENOMENAL! I would die for all of them! :)

[new-to-this123]

To Hickey Or Not To Hickey?

As per requested

Can you do a imagine where you do the hickey prank on either Scott or Monty ?

Monty X Reader 

Warning: swearing

Word count: 1143

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was saturday night and Jessica and Hannah were over for your usual saturday sleepover.. You had been drinking and playing truth or dare.

“Truth or dare” hannah said pointing to Jessica

“Truth” she answered

“Is it true that justin has slept with most girls or is it all a facade to look cool?”

“It's totally true. He's a whore” You started laughing.

“Truth or dare Y/N”

“Truth”

“Is monty really the one?”

“Monty was my first anything. He was my first crush, my first kiss, my first time, my first boyfriend, my first love. So ya i really think he is.”

“You're so corny it's gross” Hannah said

“Truth or dare Hannah”

“Hmm Truth”

“The picture that circulated last year, was it you and courtney?”

“Oh my god! What a good question!” jessica exclaimed

“Really Y/N??” answered Hannah

“Just answer the question” you laughed

“Urg yes it was. Now truth or dare Y/N”

“We've been playing this game for like an hour and we've only chosen truth, so i'm going dare”

“ I dare you to pull a hickey prank on monty”

You stared at her as if she had lost her mind.

“Have you lost your mind!” You exclaimed

“A dare is a dare” jessica answered

“Monty will be livid!”

“Ya be he won't lay a finger on you.Maybe threaten to kill whoever hicked you but he won't hurt you” hannah replied

“Okay okay tomorrow we can do it, and you guys can have your fun from a far”

“Oh my gawd we are so filming this Y/N”

“Why???” you questioned

“Because when he calms down we can show him the video so he knows its us making the hickey with makeup and not a real one duh” Jessica answered

“Okay whatever, lets get some sleep”  you answered worried about tomorrow.

~~~~The Next day~~~~

You woke to a pillow being smacked in your face and hannah and jessica laughing.

“Thanks guys” you said as you sat up.

“Lets go make our pancakes so we can get on with this sunday” Jessica said

“Y/N here, needs to go piss off a certain hot headed jock!”  Hannah added

“You guys are assholes” you said getting out of bed and heading towards the kitchen.

You made pancakes and ate and cleaned. Now you were all heading back up to your room.

Jessica and hannah were cheering “Y/N gonna do a hickey prank Y/N gonna do a hickey prank”

“You guys are insane! It's not that exciting!”

“Uuum Maybe if you were dating a sweetheart like me it wouldn't be a big deal” Hannah said.

“Im sure if you went up to clay with a hickey on your neck he'd freak!” you replied.

“Justin would freak too don't worry. But Justin and Clay aren't liberty highs Hot headed fight seeking, Montgomery De La Cruz!” Jessica added

“All the more reasons why i shouldn't be doing this!”

Jessica and hannah went through your makeup and found a few eyeshadows that, when blended, made the perfect hickey colour.

“Beautiful!” Hannah and medics said at the same time.

“it looks real!” you said looking in the mirror.

“he's gonna be so pissed” jessica laughed.

You walked to the park, which was not far from your house, where you were to meet up with monty. Jessica and Hannah had told clay and Justin to meet them there too. Clay was already there when you girls got there.

“hey baby does this look real” she moved the hair from your neck and showed him your fake hickey.

“why?” he asked looking at your neck

“just answer the question clay!” Jessica snapped.

“I mean yes but why?” he questioned

“can't explain here come Monty and Justin.” Hannah said

“shhhh” Jessica said looking at Clay.

“hiya guys” you said hugging Monty.

“hey baby!” Monty replied hugging you.

You all walked around town for a bit talking about your weekend and plans for the week. Everything was going fine. Monty hadn't noticed anything yet. You decided to go to Monet's for a coffee and we're sitting at an outside table. Suddenly a big gush of wind blew and moved your hair. Justin was the first to speak up.

“marking your territory real nice monty”

“what?” monty asked confused

“Y/N hickey, nice job” Justin laughed

Montys face dropped, and turned to anger real quick as he moved the hair off your neck and saw a hickey.

“what the fuck is that??” he asked angerily.

“I.. I don't, I burned myself straightening my hair.” you lied

He stood up and grabbed your hand and pulled you away from your group of friends. You looked back and saw that Jessica and Hannah were explaining to Justin and clay the whole joke.

“he's gonna freak” was all Justin said to the girls who were laughing.

“what the actual fuck Y/N??” monty asked looking you right in the eyes.

“it's nothing ok!” you tried to play it down

“NOTHING! You having someone else suck on your neck is NOTHING!!!” he yelled at you

“don't yell at me Montgomery” you said calmly

“don't fucking yell. I'll Fucking kill the guy who did that to you!!” he said moving your hair and pointing to your neck

“I told you I burnt myself!”

“Fuck you! Don't fucking lie to me!!”

The tension was high, you could tell your boyfriend was ready to kill someone. You looked over to Hannah, Jessica, clay and Justin,all of whom were laughing hysterically.

“hey Monty,! Bro come here” Justin yelled calling him over

He walked over to the table pissed.

“the fact that my girlfriend cheated on me is NOT fucking funny assholes” he said sharply.

“no what's funny is that…” Jessica started and you cut her off

“it's fake!!! It was a dare”  you said quickly feeling overly guilty for what you had just done

“you serious?” Monty looked at you in disbelief.

“yes it's makeup” Jessica laughed.

Monty moved your hair over, licked his finger and rubbed the fake hickey.

“you guys are Fucking assholes all of you”

Monty said sitting down

“Im sorry babe. I would never cheat on you, I love you too much!” you sad sitting on his lap wrapping your arms around his neck kissing him on the cheek.

“I love you too Y/N”

“it took so much to convincing her to do it. She kept saying you'd hate her and kill someone!” Hannah added

“I was ready to kill someone! Anyone lays a finger on her they'll die!” monty said seriously.

“remind me never to piss you off” Jessica added.

“you're all still asses” monty pointed out.

“but your favorite asses” Jessica smiled!

“oh Monty I love you” you said kissing him

He kissed you back and said “I love you too baby! Just no more stupid dares”

[feralgoblinchild]

So some things wont joke about. Because it's not ok to joke about. Some things I wont joke about because I haven't been able to separate myself now from those instances or those patterns etc. Some things I joke about being it means I'm not giving it power.

Yesterday I was having a really bad depression day after finding out bad news about some jobs. I was watching trollhunters with a friend, and I think Blinky offhandedly says "who wants to die" so I make a think nothing of it "me" and laugh (because those lovely suicidal thoughts that wont leave you alone and tell you you should be dead). But I refuse to let the suicidal thoughts have the same power they did when I would write suicide notes as a coping mechanism. Yes, j have those thoughts. And yea, sometimes j have to say "no, even if I cant think of any one reason for me to be alive for myself, I have this friend, that friend, the other one here" and just list every friend and animal whose lives would be impacted negatively by me dying. And I'm not gonna let suicidal thoughts tell me what to do. And I rarely actually feel like I even might want to act on it in any way. So I laugh at it. I make jokes.

I'm so anxious I'm spending literally half my life in near panic if not more right now. I make jokes about this. I genuinely hate myself and therefore have virtually no confidece in myself. I'm working on that. But its damn hard work and slow as helk going, so I make jokes about a teacher continually saying "just work on your confidence" in evaluations and telling the people talk to "I know Michelle, that's why I go to therapy" and continue to laugh.

I have problems. I'm pretty fucked up in the head. But I'm getting better. And can see when sometimes the being a little fucked in the head can be a benefit or somehow positively add to a situation. A friend's feeling depressed, I can empathize. A friend is worried, i can empathize. Something needs to be like, just about sterilized levels of clean, God damnit give the task to me. I'm working on it. I'm getting better. Recovery is slow. I know what jokes i can make while still recovering, and which ones can make my recovery harder. I don't laugh at OCD jokes. I dont. I've yet to hear one that I remembered as funny. But hey I'll joke about my depression all day. Because when other things are going better and I'm properly medicated, the depression really isn't a problem for me. The anxiety I joke about because its literally the only relief I can get right now. I literally have nothing but accepting a full blown panic attack and crying it out and being held or being wrapped in a blanket that makes it better right now. Nothing. Just some things that sometimes help me keep my hands busy. I'm gonna laugh at that whenever the fuck I want to, because everytime we change my meds at all it's getting worse not better. I'll figure out meds eventually.

So when I laugh at or make a joke about my mental health, I can handle it. I know what I'm comfortable joking about for MY mental health. I wont joke about anyone else's right now. Not comfortable with that. But if i hesitate to make the joke, i won't make it. If i laugh hysterically seeing a joke about being an anxious disaster, I'm gonna reblog that motherfucker.

I know what I can handle. And I have a therapist. They'll tell me if I'm making jokes about my mental health that are damaging me

[my-anonymous5444-blog]

My Story

---Hey guys sorry about being a downer i’ve just been wanting to share this for a long time 

2017 

Hello im 13 years old.  i wish i was dead. If wasn’t for my family i would be dead right now. When you commit suicide you just pass on the pain to someone else so i refuse to kill myself because I love my family too much. I don’t have any true friends and i hide my true self behind multiple masks and i think the farthest anyone outside my family  has ever gotten is 2 masks down. I believe i have at least 4 that i hide behind that’s why i don’t have any true friends. The only ones i do have are always putting me down or are just pretending to be my friend. I’m all alone. My sister knows me the best. But even when i’m with her i wear a mask. I feel so alone. Sometimes i wish that i didn’t have a family or anyone i cared about so i could just die and get it over with. I don’t tell anyone i want to die because i don’t want to be a burden, so i just bury the dark thoughts in the deepest darkest part of my mind to the place when i don’t even go. I hate my life. I’m so done with all the shit i have to deal with, at this point i wish i was dead. I’ve cut my legs and arms before but my knife was not very sharp so it dulled quickly and now it won’t cut skin so can’t do that anymore. I wish i was someone else. I think i’m not interesting and i hate myself. Everytime i take pills i think of overdosing, when i visit tall buildings i want to jump,  when i cross the street i think about jumping in front of a car, when i shave i think of cutting my wrists. I’m in pain and i can’t stop it. I don’t want to tell my friends because they will want to make me stop doing things i’m doing, like making myself throw up or cutting, but i won’t stop and it will be an endless cycle of me doing things and them telling me to stop. They’ll eventually get bored of it but they can’t stop telling me to get better because it will hurt their consciousness. I want to tell someone but i don’t know how. I don’t think i’m capable of feeling anymore. The only things i feel are sadness and depression and shame. I don’t feel happy or proud or anything else. The only glimmer of happiness i get is when i get other people to laugh. That's it. I eat away the pain but i hate myself so i throw up and cut and then eat more. There are so many things i can’t help that make me more depressed. 

2018

Everyone says i'm smart and funny and worthwhile but i feel useless and stupid and irrelevant. I always wear a mask of strength and i say i never cry but i cry a lot and think way too much about what people say. I don’t know why but other people’s opinions mean a lot to me. Even the people i hate have  opinions that i take to heart. i m always saying that i don’t want to get married or have kids. I say i don’t want to get married because i think marriage is a chain but actually i just don’t think i’m worthy for someone to love and i say i dont’ want kids because they are annoying but i don’t want kids because i can’t imagine bringing something i love into the stupid fucking world we have. The world sucks and i don’t want any kid growing up in it. I think i’m ugly and i hate my body. I’m constantly trying to numb the pain, sometime with movies or work. I wish i didn’t have to be born. I wish my parents had just had one daughter. I don’t want to die through suicide but i want to die. I find myself constantly wishing i would get shot or get run over or i would choke.  I hate being alive. 

Its 8th grade and i’m in costa rica. I tried to kill myself twice so far this year. i feel so damn alone and i dont think i can deal with it anymore. Im not with my family or my friends and im not sure how much longer i can hold on. I tried to slit my wrists with my razor but i dont think i cut my wrists in the right place because i didnt bleed that much. That was a week ago. Last night i was listening to rly sad music and id made me feel shitty. I tried to cut my wrists again and i did it right this time. I just kept cutting until i started bleeding a lot. I bled out in the sink . i had a panic attack and started hysterically crying. I had to be quiet so i was just sitting in the dark in the bathroom bleeding out with my hand over my mouth tears running down my face. I dont get it. I want to die but for some reason i cant kill myself.  My life doesnt have any meaning. Im ugly and stupid and completely worthless. Everyone tells me i have to learn to love myself but i can’t i wish i was worth while, i wish i was someone else. This one girl keeps joking about suicide and depression and it makes me mad but im to fucking ashamed and scared so i just sit there and i dont say anything. Why do i never say anything. Why can’t i have some actual opinions and not just agree because im scared of rejection. I would be better off dead. 

I finally told my family. I’m on medication and it seems to be working but not very much. They all say it will get better with time but i don’t want to live anymore i’m tired of it and im not even to the hard part yet. When i have access to alcohol and drugs i’ll probably become an addict because i’m scrabbling for a way to take away the pain. I can’t tell my friends because they wouldn’t understand. I feel alone all the time and i wish i wasn’t born. There are about 3 people besides those in my family that make me wanna live. Sophie, Celeste, and Audrey. That’s it. Sometimes i realize how dark my mind gets, like today there was a lockdown at school because someone thought that they had seen a man with a gun but it was a false alarm. While sitting against the closet i found myself wishing someone would shoot up my school so i could die and my family would eventually get over it. Then i realized what i had just thought and immediately was like stop it. I have so much stress and i’m not even in high school yet. I want to die. Even when i think about the future i get stressed out and sometimes have a mental breakdown. Someone please kill me. I was crying in the bathroom yesterday and some 6th grader heard me and asked if i was ok, i wiped my tears away and walked out like nothing had happened. Why can’t i show emotion to other people what am i so afraid of. Why cant i just be normal and express myself naturally? 

2019 Im now a freshman in high school. I’ve been getting better and the medication has been helping. Sometimes i still think about wanting to die but i’m a lot happier. I have a group of amazing friends and i can be myself around them. They love me and i love them. I also just fell in love with a boy for the first time and its a nice change from before. I know people lose  hope and give up. trust me, i’ve been through that and it sucks, but you keep going forward and things get better. I actually am enjoying life recently and i think it has to do a lot with going to therapy and trying to make more in depth connections with my friends and family. I still get pressured by my parents about grades and i can’t tell them a lot about thats going on. I’m addicted to nicotine and i think i may be getting addicted to alcohol too. It feels so good when your high or drunk. Im trying to make better decisions but its fucking hard. And old habits die hard. My mom called me worthless the other day. She said that if i didnt work hard i wasn’t going to go anywhere in life, which is accurate but it was like she was accusing me of not trying when im trying my hardest and im stretched so thin. I love my boyfriend. he makes me so damn happy and we have such a strong connection. I want to be with him forever and i want him in my life forever but i know he’ll find someone better and i can’t help but wonder how he’ll break my heart. 

- I know its weird to share this online but i just want people that are going thr the same thing or have gone thr something like this that they aren’t alone 

[theragamuffininitiative]

Last Days of Summer @KCRep

Well this has been long in coming

Guys.

I saw Last Days of Summer with Corey Cott and Emily Padgett and it was amazing and now I’m here a week and a day late to talk your ear off about it. ;)

I went with my favorite cousin (shhh don’t tell the other cousins) to see the show because she likes theatre too but her family doesn’t care so they never see things.

She knew I was a fan of one of the cast, and I did my level best not to fangirl too hard and I think it was an all around success. :D

This was yet another exercise in the “how far will Rags drive across the country to see a show if it is at all a possibility to do so” which I think is going to drive my parents insane.

When we got there, I did what I forgot to do at The Lion King and asked if it was ok to take pictures of the curtain call. Unfortunately, because of copyright reasons with Jason Sherwood’s set design, pictures were not allowed. :P But now at least I think I’ll remember to ask the ushers at shows, because curtain calls are my favorite thing and someday I will get pictures at them.

I’m not going to spoil the story for anyone who may want to read the book the musical is based off of, or just in case it gets produced again. (please please please) But if you’re curious, there’s this.

We went the last night because I couldn’t get away sooner. I would have loved to see the first show and then seen the closing show because I know they did a lot of changes, but I’m really happy with the version we saw.

It opened with a radio suspended on a wire, and the crackling voice of a baseball announcer set the narrative into motion. The radio was one of my favorite parts of the production, it was a great storytelling technique.

Robbie Berson as young Joey Margolis was amazing. All the kids in the cast were, but as the main protagonist....antagonist? hm, anyways, the main character, he carried the story the whole time in a great way, always believable as an incorrigible kid and strong enough to dig into the deeper parts of the story.

Jim Kaplan as Craig Nakamura was also amazing, and I love the character of sweet but feisty Craig so much.

These two boys, honestly, they were such pros.

And what can I say about Corey and Emily? They are stars, obviously, and I loved every second they were on stage, together or separate.

The end of Act One features a pretty big blow up between Joey and Corey’s Charlie, where Joey allows his emotions to get the better of him and turns on Craig. Charlie scolds him and tells him he has no choice about growing up and gives him a thing or two about being a man. Honestly, that act one closer was pretty great, but it also gave two of my favorite moments of the show:

1) When Charlie gets fed up with Joey’s selfish behavior, Corey bellowed “sit down!” and one older audience member audibly went “whoa” XD XD XD.

2) in the song that follows (”Says Who? Says I”), there was a moment where - for lack of a better description and realizing it’s a pun considering what team Charlie Banks plays on - Corey became a giant on that stage. For most of the production, all the players were equals. Kids and adults and ensemble members alike, they complimented each other and no one outshone anyone else. But near the end of the song, and probably on purpose for the story, Charlie/Corey towered above everything else as he belted out lines that were equally self-deprecating and proud about who Charley and Joey should be. I was in awe. It was a great moment.

Emily’s disguised yet still noticeable baby bump made for some fourth-wall-breaking humorous moments for the audience, considering her starlet character and lead romantic interest persona. But it was all good. XD

I. am. seriously. in. love. with. that. staging. I could talk about the sets all day.

Jeff Calhoun’s directing. Can I get an amen.

Jim/Craig’s performance of “We Always Had a Garden” is honestly the part I got the most emotional over, and he sang it like an angel, I was very wow.

I need the album.

Chris Dwan as Stuke was great. I started to get worried about Stuke’s mortality when he went from “occasional comic relief” to “goofy tag-along friend” and, well, I was right. But he was great and he had this fantastic little random dance number (”This Time It’s For Real”) while singing about his latest crush. It was precious. XD

There was, as the review I linked to said, a lot crammed into this little show. Like, a lot of a lot. The first act balanced everything pretty well, the second act was a little stuffed.

One of the big climactic moments in act two felt very rushed, and one of those “we’re just going to assume the audience gets what we mean” and the audience gets it but isn’t allowed any time to appreciate it. I’d like to see that done a little differently, but I completely chalk it up to there just being such a wealth of plot to deal with in those final scenes and numbers.

Speaking of numbers, if you want a taste of some of the music aside from that one clip with Robbie and Jim, Corey performed some of the songs with some cast members at his concert that week:

“You Never Have to Say Goodbye” - cue tears

“No One Else For Me” - sweeeeet

I love Big Band music so much. Jason Howland for the win.

“That’ll Be You and Me” is sort of a bonding moment for Joey and Charlie and it reminded me a lot of the character dynamic between Zach and Henry in Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, one of my favorite movies.

The wedding scene was hysterical. You’re just gonna have to take my word for it, but the blocking on it was perfect and the characters played tug-of-war across the stage trying to get Charlie to board his train on time and keep the rabbi from passing out as he flew through the “ceremony.” XD The Rabbi was a good character. Give Gary Neal Johnson a hand.

I did not cry. There were moments. But I didn’t. XD

Everybody kept swearing and then the boys would make “can we say that word” jokes, like in the middle of a song, when you knew what they were going to say because it rhymed, and I’m old fashioned but it was also great. XD

There’s an earlier scene where the baseball team is helping Joey memorize his answers for his Bar Mitzvah (”The Only Way to Score”) and it was both funny and precious as everyone except Joey learns all the Hebrew answers.

“Just Like Us” and its reprises kept the show solidly focused on Joey, and his buddy Craig.

I wanted to give both Joey and Charlie all the hugs.

I whooped for the orchestra at bows. I’m always like the only person who does that at a show, but I appreciate the orchestras so much, it’s just my thing now: I whoop loudly in support of the pit musicians, deal with it everybody.

My cousin enjoyed it :D :D :D

Standing ovation, btw, of course.

Okay, so, after the show:

We stuck around with a group of peeps to stagedoor. Folks, this is the first time I successfully stagedoored something lol.

Corey was the first person to come out, and... - poor guy. XD He was booking it, making a very determined beeline for the exit. If I was left to my own, I would have let him go, but the guy in front of me stopped him so I got up my courage. He was polite and kind to us, but you could tell he just wanted to go home. (and afterward he ended up apparently getting delayed like seven hours trying to get back home to the city, so I don’t blame him at all) So he signed a couple posters and playbills, and then as he was walking away I stepped forward and asked if I could get his autograph. He was like “yeah, ok” and then, rather than giving him the playbill, I pulled out my Bandstand album jacket. :D :D :D Guys, he lit up, it was the cutest and happiest thing. He went from “ok sure” to “awwww yeaaaaah!” and signed it like six times because my marker wasn’t working properly lol, and then was like “um that’s gonna have to be good enough” even though I told him the first time was ok. XD

So then everyone else started to come out, and I got a lot of the cast to sign my playbill, including all the main kids, Emily, and most of the baseball players - who were the coolest about doing autographs so bless you dudes. Young Jim somehow has the neatest signature.

And then we went home! XD

As usual, I am certain I am forgetting all the things, but there we are. I only wish I could have gone twice. I would love to have gone earlier so I could tell everyone to go see it. But I’m reasonably sure it will get more productions, so be on the look out for it! :D

[mountmortar]

like he’s even a good character too is the thing!!! there’s a REASON for his anger and it’s because he loves his little sister more than anything and her pokémon got stolen from her by team plasma and he wants to get it back for her!!! he even blames himself for not being able to do anything back when it happened because he was a little kid!!! and at the end when he finally gets it back as a liepard and everything is fundamentally Changed because it’s not the same pokémon as it was five years ago and it’s been trained to be aggressive he brings it back to his sister anyway and tells her just to talk to it through the pokéball until it can heal and they can build a relationship again. and he even stays with the reformed team plasma members in driftveil city so he can help the pokémon that were stolen!!! he just has sooo much love for the things around him!!! and some of his lines are so fucking funny to boot. anyway here are some of my favorite lines of his (though really all of his lines are my favorite. because i love him)

[floccesy ranch]  "You're a little worried? Are you KIDDING me?! Your Pokémon might be lost forever! Whatever! I'll look! <player>! Help out!" 

"That cry! You found it! What a relief! OK, I'll go call its Trainer, so you stay here with it!"

"You're awfully calm about this! Your Pokémon might have been gone for good! Take better care of it!" (<-girl. he’s traumatized)

[driftveil city] I'm Hugh. From Aspertia City... Five years ago, Team Plasma--I mean you--stole my little sister's Pokémon. I'm the pathetic trainer who wasn't able to stop you. "Separated"? What a joke! YOU were the thieves who STOLE them!"

"Just an apology? That's it?! Where's my sister's Pokémon?! Purrloin! WHERE'S PURRLOIN?"

"Hmph... Is that one of those compromises adults are supposed to make? Whatever! I'm gonna fight Team Plasma!” (<-fucking sends me into hysterics every time)

“Hey, <player>, have a battle with me before you go!" [if NO is selected ->] "Well, that's all right too, I guess!" (shoutout to hugh for being one of if not THE only rival to take no for an answer)

"I suppose that's it. If winning in battles is strength, then believing that your Pokémon will come back and waiting for its return is also strength. Doing what you think is right no matter what anyone else says, like these guys do, is strength, too.“

[driftveil tournament]

[if the player is defeated] "What's wrong? That's not like you, man..." (he’s worried!!!!)

[lacunosa town]

"Shut your mouth. All I want is to get back a stolen Pokémon! <player>! Give me a hand! You ready?" [if NO is selected ->] "Got it! Go get ready and then come back here! Being careful against opponents like these isn't a bad thing!" (🥺)

[opelucid city] 

"OK, I'll leave things to you! <Player>! If you run into any trouble, call me!" (🥺🥺🥺)

[route 21]

“That Pokémon... Kyurem, was it? Its cry sounded lonely somehow." 

[plasma frigate]

"Sorry... This situation is messing with my head... I just don't know what to do... I finally found my sister's Pokémon, but now it's glaring at me... Why?!" (hugh baby i’m so sorry)

[giant chasm]

"I'm...gonna make sure Purrloin gets back to my sister! Still can't take it out of the Poké Ball yet, though..." (he wants to fix things but he’s smart enough to know that he can’t force it and that relationships need to be mended with time and the aggressiveness liepard developed while under team plasma’s thumb isn’t just going to go away. weeping)

[victory road]

"<player>! Thanks to you, I accomplished what I set out to do during my journey! I wish I could've shown you my little sister's huge smile! This is my thanks!"

"I think you're really amazing! So become the Champion! Get the proof that you're a Trainer your Pokémon can be proud of! See you!"

[”i’d like to talk” selected on the xtransceiver”]

"When it's night, and everything's quiet... If you listen carefully, you can hear the footsteps of Pokémon. I really like that." (!!!!! I’M A SUCKER FOR CHARACTERIZARION TIDBITS.....)

and this doesn’t even begin to cover it. he’s everything to me i love himmmmm i love his character he is just SO much fun!!!!

hugh is my favorite friendly rival. maybe it's because he was my first rival ever but GOD. he gets written off as Angry Qwilfish Boy soooo often and yet he's genuinely one of the kindest rivals in the whole series. come ON

[classyfoxdestiny]

'Gutfeld!' on masks, Chicago's mayor

'Gutfeld!' on masks, Chicago's mayor

This is a rush transcript from “Gutfeld!,” July 27, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

REP. ADAM SCHIFF (D-CA): We’re so driven by bigotry and hate that we attack our fellow citizens as traitors. If they’re born in another country, or they don’t look like us. God help us.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Yes, God help us. It’s amazing a weasel can produce crocodile tears.

Yes. It’s time. It is time once again for.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Everything is racist.

GUTFELD: It’s true. First step, remember the Chicago mayor who looks like she hasn’t slept since 1972? I can’t blame her. In that city the constant gunfire will keep anyone up at night. Lori Lightfoot racist continues to defend your decision to only speak with non-white reporters. You know, because that’s what racists do.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MAYOR LORI LIGHTFOOT (D), CHICAGO: I would absolutely do it again. And I’m unapologetic about it because it spurred a very important conversation. A conversation that needed to happen, that should have happened long time ago.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know, she’s right. Her racist behavior spurred a very important conversation about how racist she is. I love that logic. Now watch me start a dialogue on arson with these oil soaked rags and a Bic lighter. Sure people died. But look how much we’ve learned about the importance of smoke alarms. But it makes perfect sense coming from a leftist because to them talk is more important than action.

And Lightfoot much prefers the race conversation over the crime one. She’s the Andrew Cuomo of Chicago, only her bodies aren’t piling up in nursing homes. They’re piling up in the streets, and they’re brown and they’re black. And they’re young. Imagine if she were white. People would start asking questions like is this deliberate, but dare criticize her over her record, you know what she’s going to say?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Mayor, in recent months, you know, there have been questions raised about your temperament and your reaction to criticism. Tribune editorial, use the term irascible. How much of this do you think might have to do with the fact that you’re a woman’s and specifically a black woman?

LIGHTFOOT: About 99 percent of it. Women and people of color are always held to a different standard. I understand that. I’ve known that my whole life.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Why isn’t it 100 percent? Her answers are as predictable as Kat’s hangovers. But according to Lightfoot pointing out her record is racist. Then again to her pointing out that she has food on her face is racist. Takes a special person presiding over mass murder to think that they’re the victim. She expects you to bleed to death on the pavement. Grateful your mayor is not some old white guy. But you know what else is racist? Comedy.

According to racist author of white fragility, Robin D’Angelo.

ROBIN D’ANGELO, AUTHOR, WHITE FRAGILITY: So comedy is — I think it’s an excuse to get to be racist, right? Like irony and I think T.V. shows like Family Guy and South Park and maybe a little bit The Simpsons, right? Allowed white people to be racist self-consciously, right? Like, I know I’m being racist, and therefore, it doesn’t count and it’s OK.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Who better to tell us what’s funny than someone who has stage four cancer of the funny bone? This grifter wouldn’t know funny if you gave her the F-U-N-N on Wheel of Fortune. So funny white people are racist, cool, and writing a book generalizing about white people isn’t. And what’s more fragile than someone who can’t take a joke. Think about it. The loudest voices shouting about racial inequality are often a weak need virtue signaling Caucasians.

Yet what have they done to correct the injustice and the inequality? Besides putting a BLM sign in their front yard and a rainbow coexist bumper sticker on their Tesla? Isn’t the time they resign their jobs to make room and correct this injustice every lily white leftist in a comfy editorial position at a magazine or a T.V. show or college. It’s time to move on and fix your privilege.

Anna Wintour Say hello to Vanessa Bush. Jimmy Kimmel say hello to Chris Tucker. Paul Krugman say hello to Coleman Hughes and Chris Cuomo say hello to Candace Owens. I wonder what the angry black male has to say.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TYRUS, FOX NATION HOST: On behalf of me today I’m ready today. Hi. All right kids. Let me break this down for you. I got a yellow apple. Hi. I got a green apple. Hi. What? You don’t talk to yellow apples because of yellow? All right (INAUDIBLE) being a racist. You should have known better, right? I want to talk to you unless you’re yellow. You don’t. You should have known better. Racist ass apple. Still good though. That’s up.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Nicely done. So if you’re white and find race, find everything, it’s time to put your money where your motor mouth is. Get out. If you’re, you know, you’re big on a $15.00 minimum wage, so give it a try. How great would it be to have Brian Stelter say to you, you know, you want to supersize that? Just check your fries before you leave. But if you don’t quit, then clearly you’re the racist, thinking you deserve that job over a person of color.

So until all white leftists resign their jobs, we must all hold them accountable. If they’re step up or shut up. Let’s start by demanding that every white person at CNN resigned immediately. But then again with their ratings. Who’s going to notice?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. There’s no copay to see her tonight. Fox News Medical Doctor, Janette Nesheiwat. Nesheiwat. He’s got to face for comedy and the looks of a Starbucks barista. WesternRazor.com spokesman David Angelo. Yes. Once you get to know her, she’s even worse. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. And if he says he’s so hungry, he could eat a horse. Hide your horse. My massive sidekick and host of “NUFF SAID” on Fox Nation, Tyrus.

Since the topic is comedy, David, I want to go to you first. As a racist comedian, do you think comedians are all racist?

DAVID ANGELO, WESTERN RAZOR.COM SPOKESMAN: No. I know. I do think it is funny though, that the de facto expert on racism in America right now is this white woman.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ANGELO: It’s like, guys, we need to elevate the voices of, you know, people of color and all this stuff. And then she just comes in like, hey, I got — I’ll handle these questions. Let me take the — lead on this, all right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

ANGELO: I would love to know how many black people live within five miles of Robin de Angelo’s house. Can we get a survey on that?

GUTFELD: Yes. I actually — I actually have the facts here, David. I’m glad you asked.

ANGELO: There’s no way.

GUTFELD: Yes. It’s true. She’s like the — what you call the white racist whisper. Right? She’s like, I know what they’re thinking. That’s what — that’s how she got famed.

ANGELO: Yes. I mean, a lot of them. They do it today. I think they have latent racist feelings. And they do this is like overcompensation or something. But yes. Here’s the thing. As annoying as she is, I still don’t want — I still do always try to like better myself. So if there’s like things like, you know, I do really — sincerely I’m like, is there things I can do, but she’s so obnoxious and they go so over the top. I think it actually hurts a lot of the reflection normal people would have because it’s so much of it.

GUTFELD: There might be — yes, there might be some — there might be something there that we — everybody could do better. But when you become – – when the person becomes a parody, it’s like you can’t — if she’s funnier than Family Guy. Her book is better than the Simpsons. I mean, it — she is absolutely hysterical. All right. Doctor, good to see you. I butchered your — I butchered —

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Nesheiwat.

GUTFELD: Yes. It was supposed to be Geswhat, Nesheiwat.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: And then I just lost the T.

JANETTE NESHEIWAT, FOX NEWS MEDICAL DOCTOR: That’s OK. It’s a good one. My sister — my mom, she’s like, just tell them it’s Jeanette Guess what Nesheiwat and I’ve had that all my life and it’s always worked. So —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Have you thought about changing your name or something like Smith?

NESHEIWAT: Well, maybe shorten it a little bit if it’s easier for you.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. You know, we had a chat in the greenroom. I have a little bit of heartburn and you said I should get an EKG.

NESHEIWAT: Yes, that’s right.

GUTFELD: That’s a lot for heartburn.

NESHEIWAT: Well, it’s how do we know it’s heartburn? Little chest pain, a little pressure, a little nausea. Just want to be safe. We got to protect you, Greg. We want people healthy.

GUTFELD: What if I —

(CROSSTALK)

NESHEIWAT: Now we could use one of — one of David’s razors to shave all the hair on the chest.

ANGELO: Thank you. Thank you for the plug.

NESHEIWAT: For the EKG.

GUTFELD: What if I thought that somebody close to me at work might be putting ground up glass in my oatmeal?

NESHEIWAT: No, who could that be? Who would do that to you? Tyrus.

GUTFELD: So you — the United States was a patient, right? And you see this constant obsession with race and everything. What would be your prognosis as a doctor? Are you worried?

NESHEIWAT: Well, I think first of all, there is no room for racism, no matter what. We can’t fight racism with racism. But when it comes to comedy, I mean, that’s it. That’s what makes it a little bit edgy. And, you know, American needs to lighten up a little bit. That’s what makes us laugh. And of course, laughter is the best medicine.

GUTFELD: Oh. I’ve never heard that before. I’ve never heard that before. You stay out of this.

TIMPF: Well, OK. Like if you want me to I can go back home. I was gone for a while. And you were — you did miss me. Well I wouldn’t be back.

GUTFELD: Well, yes, that missing wore off. Let’s be honest.

TIMPF: Oh, OK. Yes.

GUTFELD: Oh, it took us two days. You know, Tyrus, I never saw a man crushing Apple with his hands.

TYRUS: You haven’t?

GUTFELD: No.

TYRUS: Well, now you have. You know, what we’re seeing is whenever these racist notice — they notice racism they talk really loud, but they say absolutely nothing. When Lightfoot was asked a question like, why did you do that? And I’m unapologetic, because it started a conversation about a conversation that needed to happen. Please follow up question again. I think on a journalist school, what’s the conversation?

Well, the conversation is a conversation about potential conversations. So we’re talking about — you can’t ask me that. Racist? Being racist is meaningless now. Racist is a new term for somebody you don’t like.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: It has nothing to do with skin color. It’s just — I — what? You disagree with me, racist. And even it’s like, why not white racist crime now? It’s like, everybody’s a racist. So if everyone is a racist, nobody’s really racist.

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: So, you know —

GUTFELD: That’s good for David.

ANGELO: Yes. Thank god.

TYRUS: But the only thing was, you can’t — and you can’t be a little bit racist.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Family Guy, racist. Since then they’re a little bit racist, you’re either all in or you all out? You don’t wear half a Klan mask. You know what I’m saying? Like, you know, it’s just ridiculous to the fact that we – – they play on this because the reason why they can’t talk about it is because they have no experience with it. And that’s the beautiful thing is when people have to make (BLEEP) up about what’s racist, because they haven’t experienced it, or seen it.

So of course, you got to make it up. Because if you can talk about — you can talk about racist moments. But racist, just like anything else is the individual sport. It is not the country anymore.

GUTFELD: That’s a very good point. Kat, he raises this fine young man over here, raises images (INAUDIBLE) the point that everybody says they’re unapologetic. That — as if that’s a good thing, but maybe you should apologize.

TIMPF: Yes, sometimes, right. And it’s just — the idea of not being afraid to question things. I mean, thinking about the idea when it comes to comedy that intention doesn’t matter. And she’s saying, OK, like, you know, punching up, don’t punch downs. Like how about a more important question is, is this supposed to be a punch? Are you trying to make people laugh? I think that is a very important distinction.

Because intention matters in everything else in life. It matters when a person kills another person. Are you saying that the one thing that’s so serious that intention can’t matter is jokes? I don’t buy it.

GUTFELD: This is — this is probably one of the most important points you’ve ever made.

TIMPF: Oh, thank you.

GUTFELD: No. Because people now, these antiracist activists say intention doesn’t matter when preference things. It’s like — it’s like, when you — when you — were when you’re teaching, let’s say is it Huck Finn, and it’s got the racial slur in it. And if you — if you’re the teacher and you bring it up, you will lose your job because intention doesn’t matter. Right?

TIMPF: Right. So like if Tyrus, if, you know, instead of the glass in the coffee seems premeditated, but if he drives your car accidentally hits you, then starts manslaughter.

TYRUS: Really? Interesting.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: There you go. Yeah. All right.

TIMPF: Whoever though.

GUTFELD: Up next, violent criminals attack. But liberal laws make it hard to fight back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Only in New York. Start spreading the news. We’re all going to die.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh my god.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Seniors beaten without pity. Welcome to New York City. So here’s video of what might now be called typical morning in Brooklyn. It’s 9:00 a.m. The sun is shining and a mugger brutally beats the (BLEEP) of a 68- year-old man then he robs him. After all, he didn’t want to be rude. We’ll have to wait till he’s identified to know how many times he’s been recently led out of jail. And here’s another robbery in broad daylight.

Also in Brooklyn. Proving criminals are emboldened enough to have a normal sleep schedule. The only reason that dude didn’t get away with anything is because his pants kept falling down. Usually if there’s a pantsless criminal in Brooklyn, it’s Anthony Weiner. Lawlessness like this is happening all over. And a big reason is that court systems are a mess, especially in Democrat-run cities. Listen to this insane stat about murders in Chicago from the city’s top cop.

DAVID BROWN, CHICAGO POLICE SUPERINTENDENT: What we can do different is challenge the courts to render Chicago safe by holding violent offenders in jail longer, not releasing murderers back into our community. That’s what we can do different. Over 90 people charged with murder or have been released, that should be a headline in the city.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Ninety murderers charged and released. Pretty soon they’ll start paying them. Look, you don’t have to be Columbo to realize releasing murderers will lead to an increase in murders. Even if they’re given a stern talking to win dinner without dessert. And what does the court expect them to do when they get out? Paint landscapes. And no one’s safe from the crime wave. Former California Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer who’s 80 years old got mugged in Oakland this week. Here she’s describing the attack.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BARBARA BOXER, FORMER CALIFORNIA DEMOCRATIC SENATOR: I tried to cross the street and get away. And he slammed me on the back and reached across me, he was behind me and grabbed my cell phone out of my hand. And I just said, how can you do this to a grandmother? I want to call my grandkids? Why are you doing this? He could care less and got in the car and they sped away.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Maybe this case will get solved because the victims of former senator and not some poor Asian grandmother. So bottom line, the crime wave rolls on and until elected leaders step up to address it. Violent videos just like the one you saw will be commonplace. Though it’s only a matter of time before someone packages them and sells it. Imagine that commercial.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Now for the first time ever on one DVD, the Democratic Party in conjunction with CNN and virtue signaling demagogues present crime going wild. It’s a classic collection of all the horrible attacks that John Lemon and Chris Cuomo pretend never happened.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I knew crime was bad, but statistics hurt my head. I just wish there was a better way for me to understand this epidemic.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, now you can with broad day like beatdowns. Assaults with pots and pans, hot liquids and brazen attacks on elderly women.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It’s like the end of the world. I’m pretty sure to find the police is a bad idea.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, see what happens when national and local leaders abdicate their moral responsibility to keep citizens safe and secure. To see what happens when police are demonized as repeat criminals are released onto the streets. No cash bail reform. George Soros approved D.A.s. Do you think it can’t get any worse that you just start thinking enough.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Thanks to this DVD. I no longer have to go outside to express violence on a personal level. Thanks, Crime Gone Wild.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So get crime going wild today.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Doctor, you just have to laugh. They say laughter is the best medicine.

NESHEIWAT: That’s right.

GUTFELD: But, you know, it’s — imagine the nation were a patient, what would be your prognosis?

NESHEIWAT: So, this what we’re seeing, this is either pure mental illness or evilness, or maybe even just a combination of both. I mean, we do know that one in five Americans suffer from mental illness and it goes undiagnosed and unaddressed. But this is out of control.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: It’s me.

GUTFELD: I know. know it’s kind of mute. She said that I counted there are five people here.

TIMPF: Have I hidden that? I don’t think so.

NESHEIWAT: But I mean, it’s just so out of control. I mean, I think Lori Lightfoot and Mayor de Blasio instead of worrying about who should get that interview, maybe focus on this massive crime spree that we’re seeing. These criminals that have no remorse and no regard for humanity and just putting these poor innocent grandma or grandma and grandpa’s in the hospital.

GUTFELD: Yes. But they can’t focus on that, David, because it’s their fault. So it’s like if you — if you talk — it’s like that’s why they pretend that they’re just hoping to get through the summer. Like, you know, that — so the winner will come and everybody goes back inside and crime goes down and go see there was no crime spree.

ANGELO: Not out here. Look, I think you’re looking at the crime thing wrong.

GUTFELD: OK.

ANGELO: I love the crime.

GUTFELD: Yes, you loved the crime. OK.

TIMPF: There’s the take.

ANGELO: It’s bringing down the property values, you know. Yes. I’d rather get mugged twice a month for 50 bucks a pop and that saves me five grand a year in rent. I did the math, yes.

GUTFELD: You know, there are people that actually probably think that way that aren’t living in New York that have properties or looking to buy properties. Now there’s never been a better time to buy in New York City.

ANGELO: Yes, I’m hoping to get stabbed so I can afford in unit washer dryer.

GUTFELD: That is the funniest thing. I think I’ve heard in a long time. Tyrus, we do this story all the time. I don’t even know what to say.

TYRUS: What story is that, Greg?

GUTFELD: This non-stop crime. And that the fact is, no matter what we say our politicians don’t give a damn.

TYRUS: Well, you know, Greg, I’m speaking on behalf of the politicians that this is affecting they are unapologetic that they did this and it’s opening a great conversation that we can talk about gun control and global warming. The bad — good news is that winter is not coming anytime soon because the — were extreme climate, so it’s going to be summer to at least. I don’t know next through, next February.

So, you know, crime is going to be be going strong, which then leads to the conversation about existential respect and so forth. So thank you so much for this opportunity to have this conversation. Because it was much needed.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Did I mention I was unapologetic?

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. I’m just so glad you started the conversation.

TYRUS: Yes, and don’t you dare question because that makes you, Kat? He’s a what? If he questions me?

TIMPF: I was thinking how much I love summer. Excuse me.

TYRUS: Damn it, Kat. He’s a racist.

GUTFELD: I’m a racist for God’s sake.

TIMPF: It makes me feel alive when the sun is shining.

GUTFELD: Yes. But by the — I mean you walk to work, how much — how much crime?

TIMPF: I see so much crime.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And it’s just, you know, it just drives me crazy. I don’t know how we got to the point of, yes, let’s release the violent felons.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Because I’ve been a huge advocate for criminal justice reform forever. I am somebody who doesn’t and hasn’t agreed with many conservatives on crime because I, you know, I don’t think that nonviolent drug crimes are crimes for example. And then I see OK, we got it. We will release violent felons. No, no, no, those are the people who need to be in jail. I don’t know how we got there or why because it’s so obvious and it’s — there’s a difference between being progressive on an issue and being so stupid.

GUTFELD: Yes. It’s hard to tell.

TIMPF: I mean, they try to zit up on purpose. I really — like it’s crazy. That’s how ridiculous it is.

GUTFELD: I think they’re trying to destroy the country, Kat. That’s why I joined the militia.

TIMPF: OK.

ANGELO: You (INAUDIBLE)

GUTFELD: But David? We joined a militia.

ANGELO: You guys are too hard on the criminals. They’re nice. In my neighborhood, the muggers know everyone by name. Hey Doug, give me your wallet. You know, that’s friendly.

GUTFELD: It’s friendly.

TIMPF: Yes, I could see you as a slumlord. Yeah.

ANGELO: That’s the dream.

GUTFELD: Up next, should the unboxed be trapped at home or free to row?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: “PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS END.”

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Follow the science becomes forced compliance. Don, I hope they recognize me at dinner, Lemon. And Chris, I don’t wear oil when I work out. Cuomo, went all in on getting the COVID vaccine. For Don, if you’re not vaccinated, you might as well lock yourself in the house and never leave.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DON LEMON, CNN HOST: Don’t get the vaccine? You can’t go to the supermarket. Don’t have the vaccine? You can’t go to the ballgame. Don’t have the vaccine? Can’t go to work. You don’t have the vaccine? Can’t come here. No shirt. No shoes. No service.

All these people are saying I don’t want to put this stuff in my body. They’re out drinking on the weekend and putting other substances in their bodies. It’s way worse for them than a vaccine. So come on, let’s be real.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Wow, what a jab at Kat. At least he could have just said your name. But it sounds like he’s trying to increase his viewership through captive audiences. By the way, if you don’t want to adjust anything toxic, doctors recommend turning off CNN.

Anyway, their hyperbole didn’t end there. Earlier Cuomo bloviating about freedom to a Florida GOP congressmen who saying no to the vaccine.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CHRIS CUOMO, CNN HOST: I’m not doing it because I made that decision.

(CROSSTALK)

CUOMO: That doesn’t make you just a free person. All right, freedom isn’t just defined as the bold and ability to be strong and wrong. It’s about doing the right thing. If your answer is just then, well, I don’t care what they say, this is me; I’m an American. That is being dumb as a proxy for being bold.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Speaking of dumb, this is a great time to remind people Chris Cuomo broke his own quarantine before a vaccine existed. But if you’re not dumb, you might as well be drunk. Just ask California Governor Gavin Newsom.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GOV. GAVIN NEWSOM (D-CA): Just like drunk drivers, you don’t have the right to go out and drink and drive and put everybody else at risk, including your own life at risk.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So, now, they’re comparing the unvaccinated with drunk drivers. That’s a false comparison. You can’t get a vaccine that protects against drunk drivers. See how similes work, Gavin? Here’s another simile: taking vaccine advice from a man who had public unmask meetings while arresting people for surfing is like being a jackass.

All right, Doctor. I — you know, it necessarily the right way to get people to get vaccinated by belittling them, mocking them, calling them names taking pleasure in moral superiority?

DR. JEANETTE NESHEIWAT, FOX NEWS MEDICAL CONTRIBUTOR: It’s like that’s the complete opposite. Who is he, the God of COVID? What do you want people to stay home?

GUTFELD: That’s me, by the way —

NESHEIWAT: And starve to death, socially isolate, become anxious became, become depressed? I mean, that’s discriminatory, in my opinion. What about the people that can’t get vaccinated that are allergic to the ingredients? Or maybe they just had COVID? They don’t need to be vaccinated. So, we need to look at all options, not just categorize everyone, you know, into the same bowl.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: They’re belittling them incorrectly.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: If they really cared about vaccines? They would do vaccine out — whenever they talk with a vaccine, it’s just, oh, well, it’s all you know, these, you know, Republican rednecks. They won’t get vaccinated.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: A third of hospital workers in New York City are not vaccinated.

GUTFELD: True.

TIMPF: Is that is that MAGA country in New York City hospitals? Not exactly. It doesn’t — there’s no political, it’s not a political thing and they just won’t acknowledge that. And also, I did get vaccinated. I am not wearing a mask anymore. I’m not wearing a mask. There is a very, very rare chance you can get COVID with the vaccine.

There’s also like maybe a couple of people could save your life but you know what else could wearing a helmet everywhere you go. You wear a helmet everywhere you go could probably save a few lives too from head stuff that happens in the wild. And you know what, I’m not doing that. You can use the exact same arguments. I’m not doing that. I’m not wearing a mask anymore. No!

NESHEIWAT: And if you’re vaccinated, you shouldn’t have to.

TIMPF: I’m vaccinated.

NESHEIWAT: You shouldn’t have to. Yes.

TIMPF: I hate it. I don’t want the fabric covering my beautiful face.

GUTFELD: That’s what it’s really about. What did you want? I saw you waving over there in the corner, strange man.

DAVID ANGELO, WESTERNRAZER.COM SPOKESPERSON: No, no, I’m just, I agree with you. I think it’s a good point. I got the vaccine and you know I’ve had people say though they’re worried about it, but I’ve had no — there’s another tooth. No side effects.

GUTFELD: That is, that, that was just a prop tooth.

ANGELO: That was a prop tooth.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Why should you ruin the magic show, like know —

GUTFELD: You make a great point a couple of nights ago, Tyrus, where you said that kids and I, anybody with kids, they have to the kids come into school have to provide a little card that shows that they’ve been vaccinated or —

TYRUS: When your kids in school, you have to have your vaccination records up to date, you know.

TIMPF: Yes.

TYRUS: And the same thing, when you bring your dog to the vet, they’re like, are the shots up to date? So, having a little card saying that you have your vaccine, I don’t have to see a big issue with that. But I don’t when it comes to personal choice, or whatever, here’s the deal. And although, I’m not a doctor or scientist, I am Tyrus, so — I can just wing it. COVID is not going anywhere. It’s going to always kind of be here, just like the flu. And you know, things that come seasonal, and it’s, it’s always going to be a little shark in the water when it comes to that.

And we’re going to have casualties, just like people die from the flu, and etc. And you can take care of yourself. And if somebody doesn’t want to get vaccinated, we have to respect that. We might not like it, and hopefully they’re honest, like, hey, guys, I want to get in the elevator. I’m not vaccinated. OK, great. And then they are they were the master, whatever. Politicizing it, because this is the — the left has made some mistakes. They defund the police thing, went horribly wrong.

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: Now, they’re defending them. So all they have left now is the scare of the vaccine. Because when that goes in the midterms, they got to have some kind of crisis where you got to stick with a plan because if you don’t, the evil Republicans are going to take away your vaccine. They have that’s all they have left. Because they’ve mismanaged the American people. They miss guess, they misspoke. They’re unapologetically dumb that they didn’t think about telling, talking to the American people the right way.

GUTFELD: Yes. And now, they’ve got to, they’ve got a new class system to pit people against vaxxed versus unvaxxed, which is great for conflict theater on CNN, right? They can — they now have millions of people that can make fun of again.

ANGELO: And you know, the biggest source of vaccine hesitancy is the media says it’s OK.

GUTFELD: Yes. It’s true.

ANGELO: What are the odds that this is the first thing CNN is right about?

GUTFELD: Yes.

ANGELO: You know what I mean?

GUTFELD: That’s a good point. I don’t trust them.

ANGELO: And I just want to say to the viewers at home, the vaccine is safe. Yes.

NESHEIWAT: It is safe. Don’t listen to him. If you are vaccinated, it’ll keep you out of the hospital and off of ventilator.

TIMPF: And when Don Lemon said, you think you probably put worst and stuff in your body than the vaccine, I said that on the show and explaining why I was going to get vaccinated. It’s true.

GUTFELD: Oh my god, I put things in my body I wouldn’t put in anybody else.

TYRUS: That’s an entirely different show. And that’s the 2:00 am hour.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Exactly. Talk to any E.R. Any, any E.R. doctor, he’s got stories. They have some —

TYRUS: They all know your safe word.

GUTFELD: Up next, an Olympic star withdraws. Well, a photo gives China pause.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: A Polaroid has China paranoid and these games are so demanding that you didn’t stick around for the landing. And those are the list of reasons that this could be —

ANNOUNCER: “THE WORST OLYMPICS EVER.”

GUTFELD: The Chinese Foreign Ministry claims Western media photos of Chinese athletes are unflattering when compared to their counterparts. They cited a picture similar to this one of weightlifter, Haozing Hu, thank you, that they thought made her look unattractive. They haven’t been this mad about a photo since Tiananmen Square. Of course, people aren’t at their most attractive when they’re lifting heavy weights. It’s why I ban the media from my morning squat.

Meanwhile, Simone Biles says she wasn’t mentally right for the gymnastics final and withdrew from the competition, leaving America’s team to compete with athletes most people haven’t heard of her. She’s explaining why, why she bailed.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SIMONE BILES, TEAM USA GYMNASTICS: I just felt like it would be a little bit better to take a back seat, work on my mindfulness. And I knew that the girls would do an absolutely great job and I didn’t want to risk the team a medal for kind of my screw ups because they’ve worked way too hard for that.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Hey, even without fans, there’s still a ton of pressure competing at the highest levels. It’s why I chose not to compete this year. The Americans ended up taking silver anyway, which William Devayne points out is its own reward.

What do you have in your safe? I am William Debayne and I’m so (BLEEP) rich.

See the city behind me? I own that whole city. I’m William Debayne. Where is William, by the way? All right, Tyrus, I don’t know where my brain is going. But as an athlete, how do you, you’re sympathetic to Simone, there’s a strategy behind this. I think she tried to help her team is that basically it?

TYRUS: Well, I first of all, I commend her because just the fact that she’s still competing and this is the one sport where you don’t see people two three Olympics.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: And still compete at a high level. It’s usually the, the, the wear and tear, and the amount of her joints that go through. She did the vault, she didn’t land right. And it’s time, and there’s one thing that you have to respect with athletes is when they know when it’s time.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: And some can’t let go. And that says a lot about her that she knew. And if the timing is horrible, but it always is. There’s that night in boxing where your favorite boxer gets old.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You know, and, and you’re like, please don’t fight anymore. You know, Evander Holyfield is my favorite boxer, and please don’t fight anymore. You know, in the same thing, but her having the courage and not be unselfish and her saying I couldn’t do this vault anymore. I know it’s over and I respect that and we all need to respect the fact that it takes courage to do the thing that you love and dedicated your life to. It’s not going to be anymore. I can remember, I know the, the playing football where I know it’s a wrap. I can’t do it anymore. I want to. The hearts willing but the body says no. And, you know.

TIMPF: However, is that you saying I’m too old to be an Olympic gymnast?

GUTFELD: Kat, you constantly put post-selfies? How important is women’s appearance at work?

TIMPF: Um, here’s the thing. I think that I come to work looking really, really ugly. But then I get my hair and makeup done so I’m not sure if it applies to me. I come in looking bedraggled and wearing some strange clothes.

GUTFELD: But you can, you feel bad about the power lifter not looking her best?

TIMPF: Here’s the thing. I feel like the Communist Party of China, even if that were true, they’ve done worse things to us. Feel like they have done worse things to us.

GUTFELD: Let’s see what the Uighurs —

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: And just get, get an Instagram filter if you got a problem, China.

TIMPF: Yes, I feel like they’ve done some worse things.

GUTFELD: Yes. You know, David, you’re our Olympic experts. You’ve been covering the Olympics for at least 12 minutes.

ANGELO: That’s right. Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes, going back at least an hour.

ANGELO: I competed. You know, I was, I was on the backgammon team for the Cayman Islands back in 96.

TYRUS: Damn shame. What happened to you guys?

ANGELO: Yes, no, Simone, she’s, she’s out. And you know, they must be serious, because you can’t — the whole thing is for the Olympics.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes, that’s true. When you get there and then you’re like, I can’t do it. Yes. The whole point is that the things so you’d go in and and, you know, I feel for but you know, in my case, like I woke up this morning, I knew, I felt awful, I knew I wouldn’t be funny, but I said, you know, just go to GUTFELD show. It doesn’t — just go through the motions. It won’t matter. And here I am.

GUTFELD: Yes. And you’re bombing.

ANGELO: I know.

GUTFELD: You know what, it reminds me, it does remind me of the Curb Your Enthusiasm special when Larry David prepares for this big onstage thing and then doesn’t he walk out and then just turn around? Is that like, there’s a thing where he just kind of walks up and he goes —

TYRUS: Nah, I’m good.

GUTFELD: I’m good. I’m good. I’m good and just leaves. That’s what she like, if you may, maybe you just know that it’s the time.

NESHEIWAT: Yes. And that’s what I love about these Olympic champions: Biles, also Naomi Osaka for the tennis champion. They are putting their mental health first not just about the Olympics and winning medals and putting others first taking that into consideration. I think that’s so important. And as far as that picture from China, I mean, come on, this is not a beauty pageant.

They’re supposed to be showcasing their talent and their strength and their skills, not what you look like. I mean, she does, or he does, she does look a little constipated but — at the end of the day, it’s what you bring home.

GUTFELD: Is that diagnosis. Do you diagnose constipation by looking at people?

NESHEIWAT: You can. If they’re bloated and distended.

TYRUS: Greg, I just like to say this thing is a cute face and a clean and jerk. There’s just no way. I’ve never been like —

GUTFELD: Coming up, the “Exorcist” returns. But will fans be stressed if Linda Blair’s not possessed?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Well, Linda Blair be missed in the new “Exorcist”. A $400 million sequel trilogy to the “Exorcist” is in the works. And Linda Blair who portrayed the demon possessed Reagan in the original says she hasn’t been asked to be involved. That’s outrageous. And that decision has head spinning. You writers! This is much to the dismay of the film’s fans who insist the power of Christ should compel them to give Blair a cameo.

Still, Blair says she doesn’t expect anything will change but a maybe the producers are worried Blair will be too expensive, especially when they could just go to Kats place and film her waking up from a tequila Tuesday. Kat, you like me grew up Catholic? This movie terrified me.

TIMPF: Yes. Yes, I was raised not just Catholic but Catholic. Like holy water everywhere. My mom put St. Benedict models of Rolla doors keep the devil away. She put blessed salt in my suitcase once. I was like, Mom, if somebody like — I didn’t know about. I was like people who think I’m trying to fly with cocaine. They’re not going to leave. My mom didn’t want me out in Los Angeles at the blessing salt.

So, yes, it terrifies me. And I’m agnostic. And so, I also feel like the fact that this terrifies me, is that like an acknowledgment that maybe I do think God is real if I think maybe demons are real. I don’t know. Makes you think.

GUTFELD: No, but you know, Tom, I wish, I always say this and people think I’m weird. This is one of my favorites of all time.

TIMPF: (INAUDIBLE).

GUTFELD: I did that again. David — it’s working. I’ve been calling people by the wrong names. You know what, it’s the heartburn.

I wish this movie was real because I would love — imagine if to be demonic possession was like an added variable in our lives. Like, it was like, oh, did you hear what happened to Steve? Yes, possessed by the devil. We would have so many fewer problems. If that was a, if that was like it’s like having a Land Shark could happen at any time.

ANGELO: Yes, I also grew up Catholic but I did it. I was real Catholic, which mean we never went to church. You are, you are some weird strain.

TIMPF: Polish. Polish.

ANGELO: Yes, you knew about the Bible and stuff. That’s not how the real Catholics do.

GUTFELD: I was an altar boy.

TIMPF: I was an altar boy too when they let people who weren’t boys to it.

ANGELO: But you know —

GUTFELD: That’s not real.

ANGELO: In the, in the reboot, the family, they are atheists. So, they just, they just roll they send her off to college.

TIMPF: So, they saw her be possessed and they’re atheists? Maybe there is no hope.

ANGELO: They’re just like bye Megan have fun —

GUTFELD: You know what, that could be Antifa. It’s just a bunch of people who are possessed that the parents didn’t decide to de-possess.

ANGELO: That’s what it is.

GUTFELD: That’s brilliant.

ANGELO: They roll with it.

GUTFELD: Doctor, what do you make of demonic possessions, real or not real?

NESHEIWAT: Horror movies horrify me. They are bad for your health. They should be banned. They should be illegal. Well, you can you can have a stroke or a heart attack in the movie theater. I can’t, I can’t do it. I say no. Pass.

GUTFELD: Wow.

ANGELO: You know that?

NESHEIWAT: No, thank you. I have vivid nightmares since I was a kid from this movie. I cannot watch another horror movie. What is it Freddy Krueger and, and the scissors.

GUTFELD: Edward Scissor Hands.

NESHEIWAT: Yes.

GUTFELD: Kidding.

TIMPF: Being afraid makes you feel alive.

GUTFELD: Thank you. Thank you, woman. You just crawled out of the well? Were you an extra in the room?

TYRUS: I’m just going to get Tyrus, I’m saying keep it real for this trip. This is a waste of $400 million. You’re never going to recreate the greatness that was the original x — it works now it scares now I watched it with my kids. It was phenomenal.

GUTFELD: Still amazing.

TYRUS: My daughter had this awesome moment where she wrote helped me on her stomach. Daddy, help me. And I was like this is awesome. We don’t want demon possessions to be real. Nobody will be in jail. No one will ever be – – why are you doing that, Tyrus? Possess. Let him go, damn it.

GUTFELD: That’s — Sam, did that right?

TYRUS: Yes.

NESHEIWAT: Can we just stick to Spider Man and Superman?

GUTFELD: Oh, those are boring.

TIMPF: Yes, it’s the same movie every time.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. You got to go “Exorcist” all the way. All right, don’t go away. We’ll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are out of time. Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an episode. Thanks to Dr. Jeanette Nesheiwat, David Angelo and his razors, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld. I love you America.

Content and Programming Copyright 2021 Fox News Network, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Copyright 2021 VIQ Media Transcription, Inc. All materials herein are protected by United States copyright law and may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, displayed, published or broadcast without the prior written permission of VIQ Media Transcription, Inc. You may not alter or remove any trademark, copyright or other notice from copies of the content.

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[chamaelhyun]

so i just finished reading stephen king’s it...

... and i have too much feelings for it i think i have to write everything down, more for myself than for anything else lmao

first and foremost, bill loves georgie so much just thinking about them makes me so fucking soft??? and georgie kissing him on his cheek that day legit brought tears to my eyes knowing what’s gonna happen to him

also, stanley did not take that fucking bath i refuse to believe it no sir

“it was easier to be brave when you were someone else” - richie tozier

eddie my dear boy why would you marry your mother smh

ben loves beverly so much okay!!!!

i feel like bill and eddie’s friendship is so underrated so let me just put it right here -- bill thinks of eddie as his only real friend prior to everything that happened that summer and eddie "would have died for bill", if bill had asked him he would have just responded: “sure, big bill.. you got a time in mind yet?”

"..richie’s mouth was like a half-tamed horse that has a way of bolting for absolutely no reason at all” uhHHH IF THIS AINT THE TRUEST THING LMAO

“maybe sometimes things didn’t just go wrong and then stop; maybe sometimes they just kept going wronger and wronger until everything was totally fucked up”

“HE HAD HATED IT WHEN RICHIE CALLED HIM EDS... BUT HE HAD SORT OF LIKED IT, TOO” OKAYYYYYYY 

eddie loves bill like a big brother or a father if this isnt the purest thing ever im crying

RICHIE LIKES PINCHING EDDIE’S CHEEKS OKAY DO NOT TOUCH ME “i hate it when you do that, richie” “ah, you love it, eds” 

i’m such a trash but richie!!! winking!!! at!!! eddie!!!

uhh richie telling eddie about his ambition when they were hanging out in eddie’s garage??? good shit right here

from eddie’s pov -- richie has an “enchanting, often exhausting charm” okay

the savage bill that usually comes out when richie is being such a little shit, i love it!! “best part of you ran down your father’s leg” kids pls lmao

UGHH I’M SUCH A REDDIE TRASH BUT RICHIE??? PINCHING EDDIE’S CHEEKS??? WHILE COOING “CUTE, CUTE, CUTE”???? sign me the fuck up

stan “i think that must have been my father” the man

“it was just richie. he could drive you bugshit.. but it was still sort of nice to have him around” oh eddie spaghetti

isn’t it adorable how whenever richie says something which eddie thinks is bullshit but he isnt really sure is bullshit, he just turns to bill for confirmation??? “is there such a thing as a sift bill” 

“you know about fucking, don’t you, eds?” uhhh richie dont corrupt my innocent little son like this??? (tho of course my son is well aware thanks to this taliendo boy?? whoever he is??)

uh ben is such a genius??? youngest architect y’all. this. my son. right here.

that time when they were caught by mr. nell building the dam and everybody -- even richie himself -- was like, “shut the fuck up richie gdi!!!” and stan was holding on to richie’s arm ready to squeeze him hard if he starts being a little shit it’s like one of my faves of them idek why it’s just so funny to me??

also, richie is such a trash for bill istg??? “..maybe just seeing bill’s eyes light up with their own excitement was enough” ???

ONE OF MY MOST FAVORITE RICHIE MOMENTS (and there’s a lot considering he’s my fave loser) -- him making bill feel better and less guilty about georgie’s death and then comforting bill, tho awkwardly, when the latter started crying 

uh idk if i maybe missed it in the book or in the movie but why is almost the entire fandom saying that his parents dont give a shit about richie?? cause i think out of all the losers, his parents are fairly regular (bill said so himself) he even gets to joke around with them?? and from richie’s pov: “he could read both of his parents like books -- well-worn and well-loved books” so im really kinda confused??

“they’ll pinch my cheeks and tell me how much i’ve grown” “that’s cause they know how cute you are, eds -- just like me. i saw what a cutie you were the first time i met you” uhh richie how many times are you gonna call eddie cute?? well i dont really blame you, my son is a reaal cutie

also!!!! bev and richie’s frienship??? hello why was it not in the movie????? cigarette buddies??? my badass babies??? 

richie: “likes bev a lot. well, he likes her, but not that way.’

also richie: *blushes and flustered when bev teased him if he was asking her out on a date*

ben not believing himself when he told richie to shut up, oh child you have all the right in the world to make him shut up lmao

bill and richie are like two of the bravest losers but after escaping the werefolf from the neibolt house they both just hugged each other and cried and oh my god my poor sons they do not deserve any of this theyre just kids ffs

uhhh beverly on the plane on the way back to derry was just a mess who couldnt stop laughing and just?? if i could smack tom rogan i would gladly do so and her father too for good measure

ben and bev and eddie just hysterically laughing is my aesthetic my kids deserve all the happiness in the world pls

ben always stands up for bev he’s so sweet?? he doesnt even care much what others say to him as long as they arent disrespecting bev and i just????

my pure innocent eddie not understanding why bev isnt allowed to have boys into the house when there inst anyone else there oh boy so precious

what’s worse than frightening stan uris? offending him, that’s right

the losers have forgotten about each other for more than twenty years but when they remembered and met up again its like nothing has changed at all????

uhh richie trying to calm eddie down but the latter just rounded on him telling him not to call him eds!!! and not to pinch his cheeks!!! cause he hates it!!! and richie recoiled and just?? my heart hurts

BEEP-BEEP RICHIE

“i wish stan was here” you and me both mikey

“she wouldve died for him” why are they all willing to die for bill oh god these kids

“he thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts”

dafuq richie is really so funny istg??? im not playing favorites with my kids here but he’s so funny?? his voices are so funny i hate him lmao

The Apocalyptic Rockfight (need i say more?????)

excuse me but richie (and bev) taking care of eddie after said rockfight

bill is like the president of the losers club and richie is his right hand man am i right or amirite

I JUST LOVE HOW THESE LOSERS KEEP SAYING THEY LOVE EACH OTHER??? they’re so vocal about it and just??? idc if they were, like, brought together by this turtle to fight it,, their friendship is one of a kind and they deserve all the best thinsg in life

“stan did not have much sense of humor, and the bit he did have was sort of peculiar” UHH I SHOULDNT BE LAUGHING THIS HARD

“i don’t call you dick, as in ‘you got any gum on ya, dick?’“ OHH EDDIE STRIKES BACK YES

uhm excuse the fuck outta me but richie called eddie “my love” do not fucking touch me

“the losers are still losing, but stanley uris is finally ahead” uhhh fuck you pennywise???

I JUST LOVE IT WHEN THE LOSERS ARE BEING KIDS AND JUST PLAYING AROUND TOGETHER HAPPILY this is how it shouldve been anyways they should all just be happy and protected 

stan catching the losers’ crazy yup

BEVERLY MARSH IS BADASS WHO DONT NEED PROTECTING JUST BECAUSE SHES A GIRL YOU TELL THEM LOSERS, HON

richie being so proud of them, of his friends?? losers or not losers?? he;s just proud that theyre all together?? im so soft

"he shouldnt be down here” - richie when he heard eddie coughing when they were in the smokehole im such a reddie trash i feel like i notice every little thing between them lol

bill is eddie’s hero it’s canon

EDDIE MY BOY STANDING UP TO HIS MOTHER YOU GO SON

uhh when the losers visited eddie in the hospital and not even richie was smiling uhh why dont you just step on my heart???

“no good friends. no bad friend. only people you want, need to be with; people who build their houses in your heart.”

"it hurts, doesn’t it?” “yeah, why, sure. it hurts.” RICHIE CRYING CAUSE OF STAN SOMEBODY HOLD ME

richie asking for eddie’s aspirator and the others doing the same before they entered the house on neibolt street

UHH EDDIE IS LIKE THE LITERAL BABY OF THE LOSERS DON’T FIGHT ME ON THIS he’s often called cute (by richie of course) and often described as fragile, vulnerable and beautiful. and also,ticklish. so yup. a baby. The Baby.

“sure i can. i was alone last time. this time i’m with my friends.” SEE AN ACTUAL BABY THAT MUST BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS

“anyone who tries to steal your aspirator, we kill him. but we kill him slow.” oh richie just say outright that youll protect the baby itsokay son say it

“hey eddie needs help okay?” richie making sure the baby is properly assisted by the losers (ok im such a trash really, sue me)

stan,,,,, makes me so sad istg yes he’s like the weakest among the losers in some ways but he was brave enough to go with them that summer okay and that says so much about my poor baby!! “i don’t have anything” YOU HAVE YOUR FRIEMNDS SON PLS DONT HURT ME LIKE THIS

IT IS SCARED OF THESE SEVEN KIDS HA

uhh can i just say,, i love all my children,,, but no to cheating pls????

these kids are such,,, kids lmao that part where eddie wanted a lick on richie’s ice cream (i think) and richie’s like no??? germs??? sharing??? your mom wouldnt like it?? then began to eat faster and eddie’s just like, i’ll chance it. so richie reluctantly let him have a taste but snatched it away quick lmao then stan offered his to eddie

“she says henrys gone crazy” “shit you mean he used to be sane??” richie istg

baby eddie!!!!! richie’s like no eds youre not going your arm is still broken and bill’s like he has to so walk with me eddie ill keep an eye on you (and protect you and carry you on my back and)

that moment when eddie called the others fucking pussies cause he’s doing that mashed potatoes all over it and he’s got a broken arm!!!!! ahhh i love this kid so much?????

and then after when the eye is gone and richie is mimicking eddie and was like “not too shabby, eds” and eddie was all “i hate it when you call me eds” and richie just goes i know and HUGGED EDDIE and says, “but somebody has to toughen you up, eds...” I LOVE THEM SO MUCH?????

FUCKKKKKK it’s the part when my kid’s arm got cut off and my heart just hurts so fucking much????? he doesnt deseve this?? none of them does????

‘richie was weaving and tumbling toward him like a drunk at the end of a long hard night’ “--eds--” STAB ME IN THE HEART WHY DONT YOU

 “richie, don’t call me eds. you know i..i...” FUCK YOU ALL I HATE YOU ALL

uhhh lets not talk about that thing that happened so they could get out of there im still so fukcing disturbed??? 

“son, you did real good” i wouldve smacked this turtle thing or whatever had i been a loser,,, i mean???

“we gotta get him out of here” “it’s too dark, you know.. it’s too dark. eds.. he.” RICHIE MY POOR BOY MY SON MY MOST PRECIOUS SOBBING OVER HIS BELOVED

“fuck you, bitch!!!” 

ben and beverly yes its what they both deserve

“even if we forget each other, we’ll remember in our dreams”

mike went through so much,,, i mean he was the only one who stayed in derry and looked into all that happened there beginning from god knows when. he was scared as fuck when the killings started again but he put off calling the others cause he wanted to be absolutely sure it is back before he disrupts the other losers’ lives??? he wasnt envious whatsoever of the success of the other losers even though the difference between him and them is so fucking vast?? he accepted it -- that he stayed in derry for a reason and that is to call the others back to finally end it hwen it comes back. he has done all these and more. let us not sleep on him. my boy deserves all the love and recognition he deserves. 

YOU KNOW WHAT FUCKS ME UP SO MUCH IT’S NOT JUST THE DEATHS OF MY KIDS it’s the fact that after everything theyve gone through together, they forgot about each other in the end

but maybe it was better for them too. to not think about the nightmares. to not think about the lives lost. but is forgetting really better than not knowing at all?

they went thorugh so much together and in the end they’ll forget

maybe cause as richie said, “nothing lasts forever”

[bananagator]

On Josuke and Rohan’s Relationship

I love the tension between these two.  One of the things I find interesting, however, is that they both hate each other but still make the choice to risk their lives for each other.  The arc of their relationship is fascinating.  Now obviously Rohan on his part has plenty of reasons to hate Josuke, one being that Josuke hospitalized him for a month.  Except when I rewatched some DiU, I think it’s a little more complicated than that.

But even before that, Rohan was really interested in Josuke.  He spent three whole months not knowing anyone else had powers like he did.  Josuke was one of those people in Koichi’s memories that Rohan found to be inspirational material for his manga.  Rohan was even somewhat impressed that Josuke could withstand his pen attacks in their initial encounter.  It stands to reason that Rohan would resent Josuke for wrecking his house and beating the shit out of him, though.

Except that’s not entirely the case.  After Rohan recovers from his initial shock at being pummeled into his own bookcase and then crushed by said bookcase, how does he react? He wants to know MORE about Josuke.  He wants to know his Backstory.  Then when he hears Koichi tell Okuyasu the story, he’s moved almost to the verge of tears.

Relatable tbh.

He says he’s happy.  I love the slight ambiguity here, too.  This is literally like that ‘they’d punch me and I’d say thanks’ meme.  Because of Josuke he gets to...  experience getting the absolute shit beaten outta him.  The fact that he practically squeals in terror mere moments after showing a warped sense of gratitude for the ‘experience,’ is hysterical. 

writing college essays be like.  ok but honestly this one kinda makes me a little sad because of reasons.  It speaks to how desperately Rohan wanted to be able to create stories that people would read.  He’s afraid of failure.

He’s probably more referring to the experience of getting to learn all those cool things about Stand users and being inspired to write for his manga than getting beaten up and crushed by his own bookcase, but it’s still funny.  It’s also ironic bcuz out of everyone in DiU, Rohan is probably one of the unluckiest dudes I have ever seen.  bruh....  I absolutely love that Rohan is deeply invested emotionally into certain aspects of Josuke’s life, without liking him as a person.  I know ppl have joked that Rohan has probably portrayed Josuke-type characters as villains in his manga, but I firmly believe that, whether or not Rohan would admit it, he’s inspired by Josuke’s life to make compelling stories, as well.

So how do we get to the essential roots of Rohan and Josuke’s mutual hatred? I will grant you, Rohan being hospitalized for a month would have given him time to calm down from his obsessed high and start to resent Josuke for hindering his ability to work on his manga via injury and breaking all his stuff.  The trade-off is that a whole new world of inspiration opens up to him and also inadvertently leads to Rohan developing his Stand’s abilities further (click here for my meta on the growth of Heaven’s Door).  Even though that doesn’t balance out the degree to which he got his ass kicked, I still don’t think the hospitalization is the real reason for their tension, or rather I should say, not all of the reason.

Ultimately, I think that Josuke and Rohan’s personalities simply mix poorly.  Josuke is terrible at telling lies and is prone to feeling immensely guilty when he thinks he’s suspected of wrong-doing.  Rohan is a highly paranoid, distrustful person by nature and hates being humiliated due to his pridefulness (which... reminds of Kira actually, but that’s another subject entirely).  Coupled with the fact that many of Josuke’s ideas tend to go very, very wrong, it’s a recipe for disaster.  This is highlighted in their gambling match.

Rohan can sense Josuke is trying to screw him over, and he fixates on it, to a point that he doesn’t even care about his house burning down in the moment.  Why? Because Rohan’s pride is at stake.  Not only that Josuke heals him even though Rohan was unable to figure out the secret, which damages his pride even further.  It’s only following the events of this that Rohan passive-aggressively tells Josuke he’s upset about his stuff getting destroyed.

This is critical groundwork for the Highway Star incident.  Josuke is burning with guilt at what he did to Rohan.  Josuke is a poor high school student who wishes he had more money, but he certainly didn’t expect or want things to escalate as far as they did.  Rohan resents Josuke for the humiliation.  I think it's worth noting that Rohan says he was holding back anger towards Josuke for Mr. Joestar’s and Koichi’s sake (not that I feel he did a very good job of it, but he did at least try, the implication being that Rohan has started to show more awareness of others’ feelings, even though he still has difficulty dealing with people socially).

What upsets me is that Rohan is very intent on capturing Kira and worries about potential victims, but Josuke doesn’t realize this about Rohan, who does a lot of behind the scenes work.  The last time they really interacted was when Rohan almost killed Josuke’s friends.  Aside from that Josuke sees Rohan being a jerk to some random kid (Janken Boy).  His attempt to invite Rohan to sit at the table with his friends is interesting given that Josuke openly admits to Joseph a little later that he dislikes Rohan.  He’s probably just going through the motions of politeness since he doesn’t look terribly thrilled about asking Rohan to talk with them.  Koichi no doubt told the others everything that happened in the Ghost Alley, but even Koichi is like, ‘Don’t trust him too much, he’s pretty sketchy.’

Rohan was desperately trying to warn Josuke about the illusion in the tunnel.  He deeply cares about what happens to people.  This is evident in Janken Boy, and I think its placement in the story is very important in showing how Rohan’s character has started to really evolve.  I will fight you on this.  Josuke, who has no reason to trust Rohan and is immensely guilt-ridden about cheating and inadvertently leading to... over 7 million yen in damages to the guy’s house, lashes out at Rohan.  There’s mutual distrust going on.

Rohan is angered that a guy who was blatantly humiliating and attempting to rob him would dare to consider him a liar.  It’s understandable but so ironic.  Rohan is actually a pretty honest person.  When it comes to serious situations or his feelings about people, he's almost always upfront to a point of rudeness.  Yet it’s this same abrasive personality that makes him seem so untrustworthy to others in DiU.  Over and over, Rohan tries to help in his own way and warn the others of danger, but he gets shut down.  He still tries anyway. 

When Rohan is struggling against Highway Star, he’s clearly relieved and shocked Josuke came back.  The main difference between this situation and Koichi saving him is that Josuke doesn’t get to see Rohan’s reaction.  What I love about Rohan is that, like Josuke, he is not the type who abandons others, even if he doesn’t know or like them.  You could call it his sense of pride/ego, or a strong-willed conviction, or an incessant need to be an arrogant dick, but the simple fact is that he refuses to betray Josuke and is fully prepared to die fighting alone.  Rohan warns him to stay away, and he’s angry that Josuke fell into the trap because of the stubborn contrariness that Rohan hates so much (I have meta on this, but another time).

Meanwhile this is the first time Josuke has ever witnessed Rohan being a decent human being.  He’s so thrown off that Rohan would choose to sacrifice his life, but he vows to save Rohan no matter what.  And previously, Josuke has almost always referred to Rohan in a rude form of address (not usually to his face directly but I like that this goes both ways), but that changes in this arc. 

The thing that really kills me is, at the end of the day, Josuke genuinely tries to apologize to Rohan.  He’s realized that Rohan is more than an asshole.  He was telling the truth and sacrificed himself to protect Josuke.  Rohan having the social skills of a walnut refuses to let Josuke finish apologizing.  I really want Josuke and Rohan to reconcile, but I can also understand that it will take a LOT more for them to be on good terms.  I wouldn’t want to just hug it out with a guy whose fool-ass tried to rob and humiliate me, especially when you consider Josuke went to such great lengths to cheat too (though I personally feel like his being able to break into Rohan’s house to switch the dice seems more of a convenient plot device but shh). 

I think there’s many reasons why Rohan doesn’t want to hear Josuke’s apology, one being that he doesn’t want to be indebted to Josuke (and he makes it clear he doesn’t consider it as such because he hasn’t forgiven Josuke for all the shitty things he did prior to this incident), because he’s unable to read Josuke’s behavior and has trouble taking kindness at face value, because he’s still bitter that Josuke healed him without his approval from before, etc.  However, I think the fact that Rohan calls Josuke an idiot indicates he does care in his own way.  Josuke’s refusal to listen put his life in danger, too, and Rohan was trying to prevent that because it would’ve meant they’d both get killed.  Rohan does not like Josuke as a person, but he shows concern about him, and the opposite is also true.  Much as they try to avoid dealing with each other, they are forced to cooperate by circumstance, and I like that.

[artificialqueens]

My Plus Ones (chapter 2)- IFN

AN: so there’s obviously some inaccuracies when it comes to multiple personality disorder. I researched it best I could but I’m still, obviously, not an expert. Also I probably won’t go into too much detail about any traumatic childhood events as I don’t like to write things like that so it shouldn’t be too distressing for anyone. (It’s only mentioned as it is usually what triggers multiple personality disorder) also Katya is Brian and Trixie is Bri. May get a bit confusing (apologies) but I couldn’t think of another way around it.

The leisure centre had many rooms that were rented out for different things, Brian saw children heading to martial arts classes and there were sports fields and sports halls with courts painted on that could be rented out. The receptionist was on the phone when Brian and his mum entered but she smiled at them warmly and held up her hand politely asking them to wait.

“Uh huh, ye that’s great, thank you, goodbye!” she hung up and greeted Brian and his mum brightly

“Hi! How can I help you two?” she sang grinning toothily while she chewed gum.

“Hi we’re here for the drama club for the mentally insane” Brian said smiling brightly, earning him a dig in the ribs from his mother’s elbow.

“Right…” the receptionist responded awkwardly, smile fading slightly, “and what did you say your name was?”

“Well its Brian right now, but it might not be later.” he responded, stage whispering the last part and making her giggle a bit uneasily. “I’m not joking” he deadpanned causing her to cease giggling and earning him another elbow dig in the side and a hissed warning from his slightly flustered and embarrassed mother. The receptionist appeared to check some sort of register and smirked to herself as though she was trying to hold back laughter. Brian wondered what she had found that was so amusing.

“Right ok, that’s great, just go down that corridor and it’s your first door on your right.” She was still smirking

“Thanks.” Brian said unenthusiastically and proceeded to walk down the corridor whilst his mother stayed behind to apologise for him and thank her again.

When Brian initially entered the room, he thought he must have got his lefts and rights mixed up again because it was completely empty. That is of course except for the young man who was stood in the corner of the room on his phone, leaning against a table. He had a mop of brown hair and a round, cute youthful face. Due to his muscular physique Brian thought he must be here to attend the gym or take part in some sort of sports activity. He looked up when Brian walked in.

“Oh, erm, sorry” Brian muttered looking down and was about to back out of the room before the man shouted after him

“No! I mean wait, sorry…are you here for the drama group” he asked almost desperately, eyes wide and pleading. God he was cute. Brian found himself hesitating

“Why yes. Yes I am.” He responded nonchalantly, “Are you here to direct me to where everyone else is?” he asked semi sarcastically, glancing around the empty room. The man laughed a little awkwardly at that and casually brought his arm up to scratch his head.

“Yeah, no actually you’re in the right place. You must be Brian, right?” Brian nodded suspiciously. It seemed strange to him that this man had arranged these group sessions. He was nothing like Brian had imagined. “I have your file here, your mother filled it in for you.” the man quickly explained. “It has your name and the details of your condition. I’ve never met someone with multiple personality disorder before. Brian by the way, as in my names Brian. It’s strange, I know, because it’s also your name. Or is one of your names. You can call me Bri so there’s less confusion.” The man gushed in an awkwardly adorable way that made Brian smile.

“Well Bri, it’s nice to meet you. And no I don’t imagine you have met someone like me before. We’re like a rare species of Pokémon. As in we are rare. I have a question. How did you know I was ‘Brian with multiple personality disorder’ and not ‘Becky with depression’ or someone else attending these sessions?” Brian said sarcastically causing the other Brian- or Bri he guessed he should call him- to laugh. Like really laugh.

“Erm well about that…” Bri said eventually when he had stopped laughing coughing slightly awkwardly. “There’s erm actually no one else who’s coming.” He admitted kind of sadly and a little embarrassedly. That explained what the receptionist had found so funny. It was quite an amusing situation. “So I guess it’s just the two of us?” he smiled meekly at Brian, nervously awaiting his response. It was at this point that Katya decided to make her existence known.

“Well,” she said in her thick Russian accent. “Technically there is five of us, no?” she started laughing at her own comment, as did Bri (who had taken just a few seconds to understand the joke) and they were both in fits, still giggling as she introduced herself. “My name is Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova but you can call me Katya.” She said it coyly, winking flirtatiously, and Brian felt slightly envious of her unabashed straight forward nature.

“I didn’t realise the personalities switched so quickly?” Bri said clearly intrigued, and not at all freaked out by Katya’s sudden appearance, which was unusual to Brian. This was where people usually started to back off, like Brian had some sort of disease they were interested in but didn’t want to catch.

“Each case is different” he explained shrugging

“Yes,” Katya continued “we change very quickly. I am here a lot but Trish and Brenda don’t make appearance very often.”

“That’s a good thing though because Brenda’s a bitch” Brian said rolling his eyes and causing Bri to laugh.

“I look forward to meeting her!” Bri said sarcastically cocking his head to the side

“You really don’t.” Brian said in ultimate seriousness. Eyes widened to emphasise his point. “So Bri, tell me something. How did someone so youthful and full of potential, such as yourself, end up organising a group session for people like me whose lives are afflicted by crippling, untreated mental illness?” Bri laughed at Brian’s bluntness.

“Well actually I really wanted to go into performance arts and studied that for a while, but I dropped out to help a family member who was struggling with mental illness. Afterwards I decided I wanted to do that full time. Doing these group sessions seemed like a great idea because I get to combine my two passions.”

“They seemed like a great idea… but then no one turned up, right?” Brian said teasingly, raising an eyebrow and smirking. He couldn’t believe he was so casually flirting with his group session mentor.

“BITCH!” Bri shouted cackling “you know what, no one’s gonna turn up to your funeral with those social skills!” now it was Brian’s turn to start laughing and soon they were both clinging onto each other in utter hysterics

“Well,” Bri said sighing heavily, “even if it’s just you who turns up to these sessions its still great experience!” Bri said- meaning for work and employment.

“Is that all we are to you Bri, experience?” Katya said flirting again and batting her eyes at Bri who was suddenly very taken aback. “I could give you an experience” she said moving closer towards him, and giving him a slightly creepy smile that displayed all her teeth. His eyes widened in shock and slight embarrassment.

“I apologise for Katya. She’s a whore.” Brian returned shrugging. “You know, just your average run of the mill Russian bisexual transvestite hooker.” He said it so casually and there was a pause before they both howled with laugher once again. Bri’s laugh was amazing, it was literally just a high pitched scream and Brian was fascinated by it. Maybe these group sessions with just the two, three, four, five of them wouldn’t be so bad.

[humanoid-lovers]

5.0 out of 5 stars Grab your Depends. And a tissue.

4.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious, but not for the faint of heart In case the title didn't give it away, this book is not for prudes. Or sweet little great grandmas. If you liked "Go the bleep to Sleep", you'll probably like this one.Back in my less jaded parenting days, I wrote a Facebook post in which I didn't understand how anyone could like a book like that. There are real cases of child abuse and sad tales of infertility - shouldn't we cherish every moment we have with our little love bugs? Well, then I had another baby. And my older daughter turned 3. And suddenly I understood that this kind of humor is a coping mechanism for crazed parents. Because if we don't laugh, we will never stop crying.The reason I gave this 4 stars instead of 5 is that it felt like much of the material was recycled from her blog. Still hilarious and worth buying, but if you are an avid reader of the blog you will feel like you read many of these stories before. Go to Amazon

5.0 out of 5 stars I don't even have kids I am not a parent, I'm merely an observer of people with children. As such, I found the book incredibly HILARIOUS and right in line with her FB and column posts. Karen has a way with words and she certainly knows how to make people laugh. I'll be right in line for her second book! Go to Amazon

5.0 out of 5 stars A true laugh out loud read Baby sideburns says what most mothers think on a daily basis but don't want to say out loud. I have always loved her blog, but this book has made me a true fan.Hilarious, mouth dropping humor! Go to Amazon

4.0 out of 5 stars A much needed laugh while parenting Great read. I read this while 7 months with my third. Helped me get thru OB appointments, sleepless nights, and my whiney four year old. Baby Sideburns says what we all think at one point in time while being a parent. Her blunt honesty had me laughing my butt off. Go to Amazon

5.0 out of 5 stars Pee in your pants funny! An awesomely hysterical book about parenting for anyone who is, or has had, a parent. Not for the faint of heart who don't appreciate the proper use of some vulgarity for its full humorous potential! Go to Amazon

3.0 out of 5 stars Good, but same as her blog... Ok, I would like to first say that I think Karen Alpert (aka Baby Sideburns) is hilarious. As a mom of a 2 year old, I am glad that someone else also is going through the same things that I am. It really makes me feel better. With that being said, I was really disappointed in this book. I follow Baby Sideburns on Facebook, and when she posts stories, I usually always go and read them on her blog. There are very few of her posts that I haven't read.This book would be great for someone who didn't follow her or read her blog because most all of the stories in this book are the same ones that she's written on her blog. Because of that, I was reading things that I had already read. I'm really disappointed. I thought that these would be all new things that she was writing about, but it wasn't.This would make a fantastic gift for a new parent, or just one who doesn't actively read her blog. Go to Amazon

2.0 out of 5 stars What's funny in small doses (i.e., a blog) doesn't always work in a book Karen Alpert (a.k.a., Baby Sideburns) cobbles together more than a dozen posts and short quips (probably originally created for Facebook) from her popular blog in this highly disappointing compilation-style mommy memoir. Jill Smokler's cover endorsement calling the book "absolutely hysterical" and "everything you could want in a parenting book and more" makes me wonder whether she actually read it. Sure, some of the lines are funny and certain small segments are even well-done, but - on the whole - the crass (a bit of potty humor must be part of any mom's life, but the sheer volume of hers got very old), defeatist (having kids likely isn't what makes her body "s*ck balls," the crappy eating habits that she continually shame-brags about and her belief that no amount of exercise will help probably do), and repetitive (listing nine items on a top-10 because "I'm too lazy to write more" was funny the first time but not the third; same thing goes for constantly joking about how hard it is to spell) nature of the content grated and made finishing the book a chore. I also wonder whether her choice to organize chapters around similar blog posts - rather than mixing the material up - hurt the book's readability. Here's the bottom line: if you want a funny book about parenting (as opposed to a parenting book), go for Jim Gaffigan's "Dad Is Fat" or Jill Smokler's "Confessions of a Scary Mommy"; if you absolutely insist on reading this book, at least take it in very small doses.That said, here are a couple of her winning lines (if only she would stick with relatable, smart observations like these rather than turning herself into a mommy shock jock):"The first time you hear [your child say `Mama'], your heart melts a little. The second time you hear it, your eyes well up.Read more › Go to Amazon