#this isnt a vent prommie just thinking
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Mettaton. Mettaton
#reflecting a lot on how i was into UT back when i was like 8 and didn't fully understand the story but rlly liked Mettaton#i thought he was a girl for awhile with like a deep voice in comic dubs bc i was stupid#and so when i learnt he was a guy i had lots of confusing feelings#im trans#shocking#idk he means a lot to me as someone whos more transmasculine in indentity i wanna look like him so bad#hes a guy but he still gets to be pink and campy and all#i carehim a lot#he makes me so sad in deltarune i “kin” him but only in deltarune#you dont wanna leave ur house because of being extremely self conscious and you don't like your body or presentation boy are you me#this isnt a vent prommie just thinking
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woke up feeling ruffff but took my meds and went back to bed for a while n I feel a bit better
#only slept 4 hrs yesterday so was rly hoping to get a solid nights sleep today bc i probably won't tonight....#but i didnt sigh. but my options are either to plough thru w today and make myself do this even tho i dont rly feel like it#or cancel plans and stay in and mope which will inevitably turn into self harm so rly the latter is a non option lmao#its all okay ill get into the swing of things n have a good time once im thereee#and i always knew i was gonna feel a bit like this like its an open wound for me i just need to be careful not to touch it#bc how i feel isnt based in reality its just insecurity n vulnerability n ik it can take months to fully recover from a previous episode#and part of the recovery process needs to involve facing potentially triggering situations instead of avoiding them#bc otherwise ill get increasingly worse bc its not possible to always avoid and ill be defenceless again when it does happen again etc#like its part of rebuilding my sense of self n confidence n hopefully i can eventually start to trust other ppl again n lower my guard#bc it sucks being contorted into this defensive pose all the time and i would like to allow myself to feel genuine connection w others !!#and to stop instinctively flinching and waiting for the hit im tired of my mind telling me ppl r lying + trying to hurt me when theyre not#im being a bit dramatic like i am doing a LOT better than i was a few weeks ago. n i def can handle this one#and the risk of triggering myself is much much lower anyway in this specific situation. so long as theyre not hiding shit from me again#i can think of several ways that risk could skyrocket n unexpectedly spiral out of my control n it makes it hard to breathe just imagining#but i need to believe that it wont. so if-no WHEN it doesnt then next time ill have proof that i can navigate it n i wont feel so anxious#it makes me laugh how stupid this is from an outside perspective. my brain causes me so much weird n 100% unnecessary distress#but its the only brain ive got n will always have so i need to work with it!!#anyway all that aside i genuinely am rly looking forward to this afternoon!! ive rly wanted to start doing more nice things for myself#n the fact it coincides w missing smth that could incite my rsd is kind of for the best even if it is making me anxious#i cant let my life revolve around anticipating how ppl might upset me n basing my decisions off minimising that damage#n while it would be nice to have company.. well ik its just as fun going alone bc ive done it before! n i need a reminder of that#ah im gonna turn myself in circles if i think much more. i dont need to justify anything#i hope they have a nice time and i hope i have a nice time and i hope that eventually someday we can have a nice time together instead#of separately. and i hope that someday ill feel included and wanted by other ppl and wont be posting on tumblr every time this happens LOL#this comes across like im saying i need to learn how to enjoy my own company or whatever but i prommy i already do..#what i actually need to learn is how to trust n enjoy the company of ppl i care abt without constantly being scared theyll hurt me....#but thats not happening today cuz i got other plans woooo OKAYY im gonna stop ruminating and get some chores done sjdkfh#.vent#<- well not rly a vent bc its not like im channelling feelings here im just rambling bc i have a lot on my mind. but still#this is prolly incoherent i keep putting my phone down and doing other things and then adding another thought LOL
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sometimes you just gotta sit down and realise that you kinda suck. and then you gotta learn to deal with that
#pigeon talks#i will not vent on main i will not vent on main i will not vent on main i will not vent on main#i'll write fucking poetry about it tomorrow i guess idk#or maybe i should just take my stupid meds that are meant to make me an okay person#fuuuck i haven't had time to go get more so i've just been. sad. snd angry. and miserable for a while#so much for not venting on main lmaooo#look. i've just been. weird lately. cause i've realised things about me. that. suck#basically i just find more and more Symptoms of autism and then hate myself over it which sucks because i love being autistic but fuck dude#it's just weird idk#i've also been thinking i have. like npd or smthn. but i cant tell if im just an arrogant unempethtic asshole because of. autism or the npd#they really don't make this shit easy do they#whatever. i should go to sleep#i'll prolly delete this in the morning when i wake up and realise im. being dramatic#im just. upset at myself for sucking. and i wanna blame someone else but i dont wanna be an arrogant unempathetic asshole#i can't blame other people cause its not their fault but i dont wanna blame myself because. thats Bad#i neee my meds man fuuuuuuck#okay good night for real this time#sorry i know this isnt the quality content you followed the the-pigeon blog for. i'll do better tmrw ok i pinky prommy
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feeling the sad little pathetic creature emotions this evening suddenly. i dont really want to dwell in feeling bad but it is a familiar deep sad feeling u know. itll be ok i just have to let it out
#to the tune of ghengis khan dont wanna feel like nooo one believes in meeeeeeee im experiencing like. something thats#akin to my very specific paranoia of being paranoid of everyone secretly hating me and talking badly about me or thinking im horrible#secretly where its like my brain is telling me that no one believes in me including my friends and logically i know this isnt true. i have#so many people in my life who i love and appreciate and who have supported me through hardships and who i want to support#in turn. but thats the thing with my paranoia and delusions yknow i can be at least somewhat aware that im being irrational but in the end#that doesnt make it go away. and my brain is just like. no one believes in you when it comes to the creative things you want to do#like my art and acting and poetry. and then my brain tells me that the people around me just pity me and dont want to outright#say that everything i make or try to create sucks because they feel bad for me. and again i KNOW this isnt true. and i#feel bad and feel like im being unfair to my friends bc if this paranoia so i dony want to bring it up to anyone beyond venting like this#and also i feel scared that somehow bringing this specific paranoia up would be like guilt tripping people into like being nice to me or#somethimg my words are weird but my braim very much is like you are not allowed to ask for support or tell people about being insecure#and i do think this overall has something to do with my deep issues of completely lacking any confidence in myself or my abilities#which is due to a life time of abuse etc etc and its hard to build up any confidence in myself when i am still stuck in#my toxic home with no real options to get out at this point for various reasons. but its like#what if i just suck at the things i love to do? what if my art is just bad or mediocre even? what if im a bad actor or a bad poet? what id#even though i feel a deep calling within my soul to create and do these things what if even though i only ever feel truly alive#when i am acting or painting. what if none of it is any good. and no one wants to tell me that because they pity me#again. on a certain level i know this is all just my paranoia and is unreasonable. but its a feeling thats really hard to shake off yknow#anyway. thank u if you read this all i prommy ill be ok i just had to get it out 💖
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uh oh thats me
#this isnt a vent selfie!!!! this was the only image i had of my face that was half censored#im doing perfectly fine!!! i pinky prommy 😊#me#my face#i dont think i want to post my face much on here#this is a picture i took drinking this whole fucking cup of sweet tea#the reason it says 'pain' is because this was the last thing in our fridge to drink#and i dont like drinking sweet tea all that much#only because like. sometimes i forget i have a drink in my room.#and sweet tea sucks in that regard cause the tea particles kinda rise up to the top and i gotta drink through it if i forget#we use to make homemade sweet tea and i loved that shit as a kid#cant say i like it as much now. or atleast store bought.#anytime i pour it for myself. i usually pour half a glass. cause im gonna forget im drinking it.#oh that poster in the background on the right is some poster i got in 8th grade#like. one of my teachers had it in her closet. since she was cleaning it out. and i think she wanted to throw it away#idk why but i took it#im not all that interested in space. i just wanted a poster for my room#i have a boogie board hung up next to it. but thats not in frame#never used it. i dont live around beaches#oh this pics from like. 5-6 months ago or something#my hairs about the same length cause im forced to get it cut#i think i look best with my hair like this#i get it cut really short and god do i look worse#oh my friend edited this picture. i didnt do anything to it beyond taking it#god this is a lot of notes. im so sorry
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