#this isn’t negative towards forever either by the way

[the-crimson]

Somethings been bugging me about Bad’s stream yesterday and I just realized what it is

When Bad was griefing the presidential office, the federation/cucurucho weren’t the ones that stopped him but the server admins

Bad built a machine that could destroy the presidential office and instead of cucurucho confronting him, the admins just made it disappear. Then when Bad started lava casting the offices, the admins stole his lava.

Idk if it was just me but that felt very underwhelming and inconsequential. Why did Forever get drugged when he built a world eater but cucurucho didn’t even show face when Bad built a machine that could demolish the presidential office?

Bad’s cold and calculated rampage felt like it had no weight because the admins just hand waved everything he did. If the federation had the power to disappear/steal any illegal machine they wanted then the whole thing with Foolish hiding Tubbo’s machine wouldn’t have happened. So many story beats in the past wouldn’t have happened.

It didn’t feel like the federation retaliating against Bad for trying to grief the presidential office, it felt like the admins telling cc!bad to stop which is… :(

This isn’t to nag on the admins or anything they’ve done spectacularly I just… I always feel like Bad gets the short end of the stick and as a bbh main, seeing the effort the admins went in for Forever then seeing what they did to Bad leaves a very bad taste in my mouth :/

[callsign-rogueone]

defective

Bodhi Durran x reader, Brennan Sorrengail & reader words: 1.7k 🏷️: did somebody say more chronically ill reader? with sweet baby Bodhi this time, and reader with a heart condition. negativity about illness / reader thinking they’re weak, others calling them weak / defective / etc., but not Bodhi or Brennan (they would never.) Brennan makes an appearance as an older brother figure, reader is referred to as she/her and a girl by members of the assembly but not by Bodhi. I think cuddling Bodhi would cure me of all my ills. I got the idea for this the other day when I went up stairs carrying a laundry basket and almost fainted. I would not make it up to the parapet, let alone be able to cross it lmao. anyway, here, have this. already plotting a part two of them reuniting after Resson 🥺

The assembly are too busy arguing to notice you standing in the doorway — arguing about you, you realize quickly.

“We can’t send her to her death.”

“We’ve been forced to send 15 to their potential deaths so far, with 92 more to go. Why is she any different from the rest?”

“You know damn well why, Ulices,” Brennan snaps. “Everyone else has a fighting chance, but there’s no way she’s going to survive the parapet, let alone the rest of the year.”

“There’s 250 steps up to the parapet. She won’t even make it to the top,” another voice adds.

“There’s still time to fix that. They don’t leave for another three months.”

“You can’t fix her,” Trissa says firmly. “No amount of  time in the gym will change the fact that she’s defective. She’ll never be able to do the things that the others can. She’s too weak.”

The word echoes in your ears. Defective. 

Your gaze falls to the empty chair — Xaden’s chair. What would he say if he was here? Would he let them call you weak? What would he say? Maybe it’s for the best that you don’t know. It would only hurt you to hear that the boy you’ve always idolized and regarded as an older brother call you weak and pathetic.

“So what would you have us do?” Felix asks.

“Either we send her with the rest, knowing her name will be at the top of the death roll on conscription day, and her blood will coat our hands forever, or we tell Navarre that she died, and keep her here. It should be believable enough that the weakling girl with the heart problem died young. It’s a miracle she hasn’t died already.”

Tears blur your vision, and you bring a hand up to swipe them away with your sleeve. The whisper of the fabric moving is enough to give you away; five heads turn toward the door, seeing you standing there.

Something compels you to run away — likely the fact that you’d been caught eavesdropping by the entire assembly. These meetings aren’t secret, but there’s an unwritten rule that the kids aren’t invited, especially if it isn’t a routine meeting.

Brennan calls your name, but you ignore him, moving faster, intent on getting back to the room you’ve been sleeping in and shutting the door in his face so you can cry alone in peace.

He catches up with you quickly, his strides longer and his movements faster. He lays a gentle hand on your arm. “Hey,” he coaxes. 

You stop and turn toward him, knowing that you can’t run again — he’s faster than you, and moving would also be a very bad idea right now; you feel like you’re going to fall over.

“I’m so sorry, kid.”

“Not your fault,” you rasp, fumbling for the wall and pressing your hand into it to support yourself. 

“Hold on to me,” he instructs. “Can I check your pulse?”

You nod, regretting the motion when it makes your head spin faster, and wrap your hand around his forearm, using him as an anchor to hold yourself up.

“Attagirl. Keep breathing.”

You work on deepening your breaths, filling your lungs all the way before you exhale, like he’d taught you last year.

Hot, frustrated tears slip down your cheeks. 

They’re right. You are defective. You can’t even run down a hallway without your body giving up on you. You wouldn’t be able to get up to the parapet, let alone cross it after that exertion — you can hardly stand right now. 

“Talk to me,” he asks after a moment. 

“I don’t want to go,” you say softly, “but to stay here, and let all my friends go where I can’t ever see them or help them, knowing they could die any day…”

“I know. I felt the same way when my sister started, but she’s a full fledged Captain now. Commands her own unit in Montserrat,” he says quietly, but it sounds like it pains him to say it — to tell you that she’s on the other side of the fight. “They’re all strong, they’ll make it through. And they’ll have each other to lean on.”

You nod again, and this time it doesn’t make you dizzy. “Yeah,” you say hollowly. “They’re strong.”

He immediately knows what you’re getting at. “Hey. I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t think you’re weak. I think you’re just at too much of a disadvantage to risk it. Your strengths lie elsewhere— not in the physical.”

“If only we could be scribes,” you sigh.

“If only,” he says softly. “My youngest sister is going to start in the scribe’s quadrant the year after this. She’s a lot like you, actually. She was born with an issue with her bones. She’s got a heart of gold, though. And she’s incredibly smart, like you. I think you’d get along well.”

“If it wasn’t for this, yeah,” you say quietly, looking down at your relic. 

He tries to hide his wince, but it doesn’t quite work. “I think she’d come around once she realized how great you are.”

“Whatever they decide, can you be the one to tell me? Alone?” you ask in a small voice. “I don’t want to see the looks on their faces. I know I’m an embarrassment to them, but I don’t want to be reminded of it.”

“You aren’t an embarrassment,” he chides softly. “But of course. I can tell you when they make their decision.”

“Thank you.”

He opens his arms to you. “C’mere, kid.” 

You step forward, letting him guide you into a gentle embrace. 

“I’m proud of you.”

“For what?” you ask into his shoulder.

“For surviving. For not giving up. For dealing with your symptoms every day and not letting it break you. For so many things. You’re amazing.”

“I don’t feel amazing.” 

“That’s okay. I hope you will someday, though.”

“Someday,” you agree softly.

“Alright. Let’s get you back to your room.”

You nod, keeping a hand on his arm while he walks with you. He’s slowed his steps to match yours, but he doesn’t show any sign of impatience.

“Thank you,” you say softly.

“Of course, sweet girl. Get some rest. Bodhi should be back in a few hours.”

Your cheeks warm as you realize that Brennan knows about whatever you two have going on — you don’t call yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, but you’re very close, and there’s definitely a spark there. 

He drops a kiss to the top of your head, waiting to make sure you’re safely inside your room before he heads back down the hall. 

———————

Bodhi shows up around sunset, his hair damp from the showers. He sits beside you on the edge of your bed, leaning back against the pillows. “Hi, lovie.”

“Hi.”

He tilts your chin up with a gentle movement of his knuckle, seeing the tears in your eyes. “Whoa, hey, what’s wrong?”

“I’m not going to Basgiath,” you admit quietly.

“What?”

“The assembly decided that I’m too weak to even make it up the stairs to the parapet,” you answer, your voice wavering. “They’re going to tell Navarre that I died, because of my heart problem.”

Why are you crying again? You went over all this with Brennan already and got it out of your system — but evidently not.

Bodhi looks conflicted. You watch the gears turn, and see him weigh the good and the bad. You won’t have to endure everything riders are put through, and the assembly is right, you wouldn’t survive it. But to stay here while everyone else risks their lives, with no way to communicate with them, would be crushing. And if you’re found out, Xaden’s life will end along with yours.

He gathers you up into his lap, holding you close. He smells good, clean — soap and the tiniest bit of cologne, something warm and woody. “I’m so sorry, honey.”

“I am too,” you sniff. “I wish I could be there with you, but…”

“It’s for the best,” he says gently. “I’d rather you be here, safe with Bren and the elders, than overworking yourself every day, and making things worse.”

“I know,” you whisper. “I still feel guilty about it, though.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s just how you were made. And you know it doesn’t change the way that any of us feel about you. We all love you so much, because you’re you, and you’re our friend.”

“Love you too,” you sniff. “M’ gonna miss you so much.”

“I know, sweetheart. I’m going to miss you too, every day. But I promise I’ll write — I know first years can’t send letters, but I’ll ask Xaden or Gare to send it for me. They’ll probably have to sign their names on it, and address it to someone else, but you’ll know it’s from me by the handwriting.”

That makes you feel a little better, but you’re still worried. “But when you graduate, and move across the continent…”

“Then I’ll come visit you here, as often as I can. Maybe I’ll be closeby. Or maybe Tyrrendor will be freed by then.”

“Maybe,” you sigh. 

“I don’t want you to think for even a second that this means I’m letting go of you,” he says firmly. “You’re stuck with me, even if we’re apart, okay?”

“Okay,” you say quietly. 

“Good. Now, I have had a very long day of having my ass kicked by Imogen, and I’d like to spend the rest of it laying here with my favorite person.”

You’re his favorite person? You must be looking at him in disbelief, because he laughs lightly, his chest shaking against yours. “Yes, you. I thought it was obvious. You’re the one I spend all my time with.”

“You’re my favorite person too,” you say softly. 

He smiles. “I’m glad we sorted that out. Get comfy.”

You scoot off of his lap, settling down on the mattress. He slots himself in beside you, letting you work your way under his arm to rest your head on his chest. He’s put on a considerable amount of muscle in the last few months, and it’s so nice to rest your body against his like this, a strong arm keeping you in place as he reaches toward the foot of the bed for a blanket to drape over the both of you. 

You hum sleepily, content to rest in the warmth of his body and the softness of the blanket.

“This good?”

“Perfect,” you murmur. 

“Perfect indeed,” he agrees softly, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead and wrapping his fingers around your wrist, resting his thumb over your pulse point. “Goodnight, sweetheart.”

“G’night, Bo.”

[bookshelf-dust]

love and mandrakes

sirius black x gn!reader

word count: 5,220

warnings: swearing, fluff, i think that's literally it, but let me know if it's not

a/n: hi! so this is new!!! a new character!! sirius black is the loml, and i've been working on this for what feels like forever. i'm really proud of it, and i hope that maybe some of you will like it. it's been very fun to explore a new universe and the marauders as a whole. i hope you enjoy this!! love you 3000 <333

————

The greenhouse windows are frosty this morning, and you can feel the chill seeping in through the thin glass panes. You fight the urge to lift your finger, using the tip to draw a face in the condensation gathering on the one nearest you. 

You’re stood at the back of the greenhouse, like always. You’ve never liked to be very close to Professor Sprout–certainly not because of any disdain towards the woman–but for the fear that she’d have something negative to say about your work. This is despite the fact that she’s been nothing but kind to you regarding every plant that’s ever been in your care.

Really it’s just that you’d beat yourself up if you killed a plant that makes you so determined to do well.

You’re twenty minutes early for class today. Early enough that it’s just you and Professor Sprout in the greenhouse. Everyone else likes to stumble in within the five minutes before class begins.

But clearly, that’s not quite the case this morning. The greenhouse doors open, both rather than just one, and Professor Sprout turns to greet whoever it is.

“Good morning, Mr. Black.”

You look up. Sirius Black is never early to class. If anything, he’s usually either not there at all, or the absolute last one to find his way in, perhaps a half hour late, if not more. He sidles up to Remus Lupin, and suddenly they've got a lovely little group project on their hands.

“Remus won’t be in today, Professor.” Sirius gives her a look that you assume is supposed to induce sympathy on her part. “Seems he’s got a cold.”

Pomona has never found it in herself to be frustrated with the boy, unlike the majority of her colleagues. She’s one of the few professors at the school to not harbor particularly malicious feelings towards the boy. He might be a troublemaker, but who isn’t at that age? 

She’s been briefed on what his home life is like, too, and who he has to put up with. And since she was a young girl, Pomona has been determined to give everyone a fair chance.

"Thank you for letting me know," she tells him.

You watch as Professor Sprout heads to a supply closet and begins to pull out heaps of gloves and what look to be earmuffs, messily tossing away the things she doesn’t need. You're lost in observing her, so consequently the voice sounding a few inches from your ear startles you.

"You always in this early?" Sirius has materialized next to you, the beginnings of a smirk playing at the edges of his mouth. 

You glance at his hand where it lingers over the stem of a plant you’re not sure he should dare to touch. He’s got a ring on every finger excepting his thumb.

“Usually,” you say. It occurs to you that these are some of the first words you've ever spoken to the boy, if you don’t count bare minimum exchanges in the odd class. “I like it back here.”

You like it back there because less people can look at you. Because having to sit somewhere else stresses you out, not to mention throws you off. You feel safe in your little corner. 

Sirius withdraws his hand from the questionable plant and raises his head. His eyes bore into yours. They’re the strangest shade of blue. It seems to shift in the light, and sometimes they look almost gray. He grins, and then begins to scan the area around the both of you.

“Suppose it is nice. Maybe I’ll stay back here with you. Wouldn’t want you to be lonely, you know.” 

You snort at that and he quirks a brow at your amusement. Sirius pushes his hair behind his ear and you realize he’s got a silver industrial piercing.

“That hurt too bad?” You ask, gesturing towards the jewelry and hoping he knows what you mean. He does.

His thumb skips over the metal ball at one end, coming back to fiddle with a section of his robes. He leans forward, grinning at you. His smile is wide. The corners of his mouth tick up mischievously, smile lines conveying layers of mischief you know he must have hidden in that mind of his. 

“Probably wouldn’t have as much if I’d gone to a shop.”

You gasp lightly, thinking about it getting infected and Sirius having a bloody mess on his hands.

“You did it yourself?” You ask, eyes wide and full of concern.

He laughs. It’s a gorgeous sound, deep and friendly. Warm.

“I was prohibited,” he says, pressing a scandalized hand to his chest. “Remus did it for me over break, while my brother played nurse.”

“Well it looks nice,” you tell him, palms beginning to sweat. You find his presence to be slightly overwhelming. “I mean I think so.”

“Thank you, sweets.” He bends slightly at the waist, hand over his stomach, and it’s a gesture you might take as being that of an asshole, if it weren’t for his voice being so kind.

You hum in place of a you’re welcome, trying to will away the swarm of butterflies in your tummy. They’re being rather aggressive. 

“And for the record,” he adds, “Remus was very strict with my cleaning regimen, so I did not get any infections if that’s what you’ve been contemplating.”

“That’s good.” You smile. You’re not sure it’s anywhere near as pretty as his.

Professor Sprout claps her hands, startling you. Today is really not your day. Sirius snorts at your jolt, but when you glance at him he’s pretending to be intensely focused on your instructor.

“Morning, everyone!” she begins. “Today, as you may have guessed, we will start our lessons on Mandrakes. This particular lesson will focus on basic knowledge, as well as care, but come next class, your actual project will begin.”

“You’re going to need a partner, so I’ll give you a few minutes now to choose, that way you can prepare with one another prior to the main exercise.”

All at once, everyone turns to this person and that, chattering and deliberating. It seems everyone has someone.

Your heart starts to pound, and you wonder if maybe Professor Sprout might let you work independently. Pairs are forming, and you can feel yourself being left out, pushed to the edges of society. Maybe that’s dramatic, but it’s how you feel. 

You lean against the table behind you, hoping that she won’t call you out for not having a partner. That is until there’s a figure in front of you.

“What’d you think, huh? Shall we work together?” Sirius stands so that you have no other choice but to look back at him. It’d come off rude to not maintain eye contact at this distance. 

You feel yourself burn and can’t help but wonder if this is some sort of cruel joke.

“Wouldn’t you rather wait and join Remus?” You ask, fingernails picking at the wooden underside of the table.

“You think I’m using you as a fill-in?”

You shrug, rubbing your nose. “We’ve quite literally never spoken an actual conversation before today. I just thought you’d want to work with your friend and not some stranger.”

“Well there’s a first for everything, isn’t there? And you’re not a stranger. I see you all the time.” 

You sigh. He grins, ever pleased with himself. 

“You don’t want to be friends with me?” He teases.

“I—”

“No, it’s quite alright. I’ll see if good ‘ol Mona will help me out.” He turns like he’s going to march away, though his feet barely move. He’s not going anywhere and you both know it. 

“Holy shit,” you start. “Just shut up. Go and get the gloves then.”

Sirius grins. “Demanding, aren’t we?”

He does go and get them though, returning with two sets of gloves and a pair of shears, as Professor Sprout had instructed.

“Today, we will focus on tending to your Mandrakes. I want you, in your pairs, to check the soil and water as needed. I also want you to trim the leaves, as these have been left to run amok for a while. To work!”

Chatter erupts around you, bouncing against the glass walls of the greenhouse.

You fetch a watering can while the area is still free, and Sirius fills it up for you. You notice that your Mandrake is severely lacking the soil it needs. It’s not very well off at all.

“Do you see this?” You ask him, gesturing towards where the roots are showing, clearly dehydrated and with nowhere to sprawl out and grow. “She’s got us treating the wounded.”

Sirius crosses his arms. “That’s a damn shame now, isn’t it? Guess we better heal this thing then.”

“Are you fucking with me?” You ask, eyes darting up to meet his.

“No, I swear. I can tell you’re into this. It’s not my best subject.”

“Well you know what they say.”

“What do they say?” His eyes are gleaming. That’s the best word you can think to use for it. 

“Teamwork makes the dream work.”

He rolls the very same eyes. “I’d like a new partner after that one.”

You laugh, and Sirius feels a pang in his chest. Like he’s taken a blade to the heart, and he can’t do anything but let it happen. Your laugh is such a sweet sound and he worries it might be the death of him.

You slip your gloves on and start trimming the leaves that have to go. There’s quite a few of them, but luckily they seem to be towards the bottom of the stem, and you think once you’re able to water it, the Mandrake might have a chance.

You finish with the shears, and set them down. You look up at Sirius, and your eyes catch a group of buttons on the shoulder of his robes. His hair had been covering them before. You find yourself feeling warm inside, as one in particular tickles your fancy.

“I like your pin,” you say.

His brows shoot up, “Which?”

You use your pinky and tap the glossy finish. He watches. “That one.”

“The Queen one?”

You nod, shoving some more soil into your pot to try and save the roots.

“You listen to them?” Sirius leans down so that his face is next to the Mandrake and in your line of sight. He’s got this brilliant grin. It’s worrying you. For a moment you think he might say something cruel, but the look in his eye is almost boyish.

“Yeah,” you say. “My mom is a muggle. Fell for a dorky wizard boy. So she’s raised me on loads of good stuff.”

“Lucky duck, you.”

You snort and then look up at him, though he's already been looking at you. His eyes haven't left you the whole time you've been working. He finds the way you treat the plant as if it has feelings to be charming. He wonders if you take care of everyone like that. Or maybe even yourself.

You move the soil pouch towards him. "You gonna help me?"

He slips his gloves back on. They really don't match anything he's wearing, and frankly it bothers him a bit. "Of course, of course."

He starts tending to the plant and you watch, noticing the bumps left in the gloves where his rings are hiding underneath.

"Feed her, Seymour," you say, and Sirius whips his head towards you.

"Who the fuck is Seymour?"

"Muggle film. Musical actually. Sorry."

"Don't be sorry for exposing your nerdiness. What's the film about? Talk to me," he proclaims, wincing at the state of his soil work.

“This guy, Seymour, finds a plant, and he tries to take care of it, you know, as you do, but he figures out it only wants blood and meat to eat and that’s what he feeds it, so it keeps growing and growing until it’s big enough that it starts eating people.”

Sirius looks at you with wonder in his eyes, and starts to laugh. "Are you fucking with me, love?"

You start to smile, one that you at first try to suppress, but it ends up spreading across your face, softening your features. Sirius thinks maybe it's the prettiest smile he's ever seen. He can't get over the way the lines around your mouth form, or the way your cheeks bunch and your eyes light up.

"No, I promise."

The boy tugs his gloves off, having finished salvaging the soil for your plant. "Killer plants, huh?"

"Indeed," you say. "You know Mandrakes are killer too, right?"

"Stop."

You start to water the plant, trying your best not to drown the damn thing. "What do you think the earmuffs are for, dumbass?"

You immediately regret calling him a dumbass, thinking you may have crossed a line--it's not like you know him all that well, you've only been speaking for this one class period--but he only smiles at you.

For some reason, you find him easy to be around. He doesn't scare you.

"It's cold."

"Because it's cold? No. After we save the plants we have to re-pot them, and when we take them out they're going to scream. Their cries are fatal, Sirius."

He stares at you. Remus did not tell him this. Technically he could've read his textbook, but clearly he didn't.

"That seems highly uncalled for."

You chuckle and he grins again.

"I agree,” you say. “Have you got the time?”

Sirius pushes his sleeve up, glancing at the watch tight around his left wrist. “We’ve got five minutes left.”

You look up, and notice Professor Sprout removing her gloves. If you’d waited to ask for just a moment longer, she would’ve begun her everyone-get-your-shit-together-and-get-out-of-here speech. 

“Students, your attention please!” Professor Sprout’s cheeks are rosy, tufts of curls sticking out from under the brim of her hat. 

“Next class we’ll try and get the Mandrakes repotted, so that they may grow to their full potential and can then be used as needed for Madam Pomphrey. You’ll need to come and water your plants periodically throughout the week, as these tend to drink rather quickly, so I suggest you alternate days with your companion.”

When you’ve finished and you’re outside once again, it’s misty, your skin dampening with each step you take. 

You feel a hand on your elbow, and Sirius has appeared next to you. Frankly, you hadn’t expected him to continue contact with you. 

The both of you had discussed what days you’d water you plant, and you assumed that was that. 

“I’ve realized we’re co-parenting a Mandrake,” he starts, “and I feel as though I should at least know a little something about the mother of my child.” You raise your eyebrows at him. “You know, to ensure that they don’t grow up lacking proper guardianship.”

“You’re ridiculous,” you say, hopping over a puddle. 

He tosses his head back, laughing, and you feel your insides go all warm and gooey at how his hair moves with the motion. You can’t help but wonder what it feels like. 

“First, you don’t want to be friends, and now, you want our child to be one of divorce.”

You stop, resting your forehead against the cool stone of one of the courtyard walls. 

“Sirius, we haven’t even been married.”

He presses his forehead against the stone next to you, and you turn to look at him. “I’m pretty sure there are a good bit of people who’ve been married and know less about each other than we do,” he says. 

You smile at the wall and he catches it. 

“Besides, we’ve got the same music taste, and that means I’ve got to keep you around.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah, that’s how this works. Didn’t you know?”

You brush at the side of your robes where you’ve now gotten moss remains on them. “I was not aware, no.”

“Haven’t you got class or something?” You ask him. His cheeks are pink from the cold, a stark contrast from the chill of his eyes, the sharp black of his hair. 

“Not for another hour. You?” 

“Yeah, actually.”

“So tell me something quick.” He spins a ring around his finger, a chunky silver one with something set into the center. “What’s your favorite color?”

“Seriously?”

He smiles. It’s gorgeous and full-fledged. You can’t believe he’s looking at you like that. It feels like some big error. 

“Sorry I set myself up for that one,” you say. “Um, it’s green.”

“Lovely. Now what shade of green are we talking?”

“Sirius.” You pout. 

“Come on now, chop chop.” He snaps his fingers. “Thought you had an excuse to ditch me or something?”

You roll your eyes. It seems that cocky ass grin never leaves his face. “Like a forest green. Trees and such.”

Sirius claps his hands together, metal clinking. “That’s fantastic. I’ll be sure to remember it. Mine’s purple, by the way, thank you for asking.”

“I bet you look stunning in purple, Sirius.”

He blushes. He actually blushes. You grab for his wrist and push his sleeve up to peer at his watch. 

“I’ll see you around, okay?”

For the first time in a long time, Sirius Black hasn’t got shit to say. No one ever makes him blush. 

————

“I don’t come to class one day, and you’ve made a new friend? Why couldn’t you have made a new one any other day? I think I need some time off. Maybe even early retirement.” 

Sirius smacks Remus on the shoulder where the latter lays stretched out in bed. The curtains are drawn one one side so that the only person they’re visible to is James, who is half asleep in the neighboring bed, glasses askew and tie on the brink of choking him. 

“It’s rude to abuse the wounded.” 

“You’re off your rocker, Lupin.”

Remus rubs his face, though he winces, his arms much too sore for any sort of activity. “Tell me about it.” 

“Feeling any better today?” 

“Yes, Sirius. I’m feeling fucking wonderful.”

“He’s being sarcastic.” James’ voice is muffled by the pillow he’s collapsed into. 

Sirius turns to look at his friend. “Yeah, no shit, Prongs. Thank you so much for enlightening me.”

James raises a weak arm, flipping him off. “Eat me.”

“You say that as if I won’t do it.”

James sits up, but only enough so that he may rearrange himself into a poorly structured child’s pose. “Stop being such fucking tease and do it then, babe.”

Remus rubs his eyes aggressively, like it might somehow rid him of his ever permanent longing for sleep. “Shove it, you two.” He peeks out from between his fingers at Sirius. “I thought you were saying how you’ve made someone else miserable with the joys of your friendship.” 

“Fuck you,” Sirius says.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“I did make a new friend. In herbology, since you decided to have a go with the moon and left me to perish.” Remus rolls his eyes. “They’re very kind, if you must know. We are co-parenting a Mandrake.”

James snorts into the mattress. 

“Is it really co-parenting if you’ll make them do all of the work?” Remus asks. 

James snorts again and Sirius leans over to smack him against the back. He lets out a pathetic cry that both of the other boys ignore. 

“I’m helping, asshole,” Sirius begins. “I’m supposed to go water the fucking thing in a bit if either of you need proof of life.” 

“Of your friend or of your child?” Remus reaches his arm out to grab hold of one of the bedposts and heave himself up. 

“Both.”

James slides off of his bed and starts to stretch, and a cacophony of cracking sounds follows, which is slightly concerning considering his age. “Sorry. I’m supposed to go and see Lils. But I expect a full report back, Moons.” He strips off his tie and pulls on a coat. The other two boys watch him bound across the room like they’re at a tennis match.  

James is gone so quickly you’d be amazed that he was half-asleep minutes before. 

“What a prick,” Sirius says from where he sits at the foot of Remus’ bed. He looks away from the door and at his friend. 

Sirius sets his hand on Remus’ knee. “You get any sleep this morning?” 

“Some. Not enough. Though it’s never enough, or whatever.” Sirius gets a pang in his chest. He wishes he could make it all better. 

“You want to get some fresh air? You can come with me to the greenhouses if you want, but you can stay here too. I’ll sneak down to the kitchens and get you something.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll go with you. Sun’s not out, is it? It’ll kill my head.”

Sirius stands and peers beneath the drawn curtains. It’s cloudy, like it might storm, a thick layer of cloud lying over the grounds. “Nope. She’s hiding from you today.”

Remus nods and his friend walks back over to his bedside. “Come on, Rem.” 

He removes the blankets from over his lap and scoots to the edge of his mattress. Sirius holds out his hands for Remus to take. Sometimes he gets really woozy when he has to stand after nights like the last. His knees shake, but he’s steady once he’s up. Sirius keeps an arm around his back when there isn’t anyone in the halls to question Remus’ condition, but has to settle for watching his friends footing otherwise. 

Sirius gets Remus on a bench and makes a stop by Madam Pomphrey on the way, feigning a headache. She gives him a little bottle of these chewable tablets with instructions on how often to take them and tells him to come back if the ache persists. 

He hands the bottle to Remus when he’s finished, and the boy’s had the medicine for an entire four seconds before he’s chewing. It’s one of those headaches that stays dull, but any sudden movement and your entire skull is throbbing and he thinks he might just die. Remus thinks this every full moon. He is not dead. 

The trip to the greenhouse takes longer than usual, mainly because of Sirius’ tendency to baby Remus during his moon hangovers. He claims it’s because he doesn’t want a death on his hands, something about living up to the Black name, but Remus knows it’s really because Sirius is much more caring than he’d ever admit. 

“See? Look at this fucker. My child.” Sirius gestures dramatically at the potted plant. Remus leans up against one of the tables, only slightly amused, much more out of breath. 

He’s only just gone digging for a watering can when he hears the door open and glances up, assuming it’s another student having to monitor their own dirt ball. 

But it’s you. 

“What’s up, love?”

Remus’ eyebrows shoot up. He hadn’t realized when Sirius said he made a friend he actually meant friend. He’s never really seen Sirius look at someone that way. 

You stand by the doors, kicking the one you came through shut behind you. Sirius pretends like he’s not attracted to the movement. 

“Hi,” you say. You step a little further into the room. “I know it’s not my day to water, but frankly I was kind of worried you’d forget to do it.”

Remus turns to face you and laughs, full on. You grin at him. He’s never really looked at you before, but there’s no denying how sweet you look. He bets you could kick Sirius’ ass if you wanted. He also thinks Sirius might let you do it. 

Sirius straightens and flips his hair back as he does so. “You wound me.”

You shrug. “I was also slightly panicked you’d drown the thing, so there’s that.” 

Sirius walks over to the sinks, filling up his watering can, though you both know he could easily use a spell to do it instead. “So you came to supervise?”

“‘Fraid so.” You chew on the inside of your lip. 

“I don’t blame you,” Remus says. “He’s kind of a flake.”

“Fuck you, Rem.”

“Yeah, sure.” Remus pushes off of the table, moving in the direction of you and the doors. His head is starting to feel better. He leans in next to you, though his voice is anything but a whisper. “I don’t know why you’re putting up with him. Would’ve asked for a different partner myself.”

“She picked me!” You laugh, seeing Sirius put his hands on his hips out of the corner of your eye. 

Remus raises a brow at you. “Oh yeah?” He smiles at you. It’s a knowing expression, an understanding one. He keeps his eyes on you, but speaks to Sirius. “I’m gonna go for a walk, Pads. Come and retrieve me when you’re finished.” 

The squeeze Remus gives to your shoulder is kind. It tells you you’re safe with Sirius. With him. That you’re welcome. The glass door rattles as it shuts. 

“You really have no faith in me?” Sirius asks, spritzing the Mandrakes leaves. You peer into the pot, noticing he’s watered it just right. It’s not going to drown after all. 

“No, I’ve got plenty. Maybe I just wanted to see you again.” 

Sirius sets the bottle he’s holding down. “No shit.”

“Well you see, last time you asked me a question, and I didn’t get to ask you one of my own, and I figured I’d better do that if I want to keep the friendship alive, you know?”

Sirius is smiling at you. He can’t believe this–your teasing. 

He runs the pad of his thumb along your cheekbone. “So what’s the question?”

“Do you like pie?” you question.

“I do.”

“That’s good. Because I feel the same way, and rumor has it you can get into the kitchens, so I thought we could work together on this...and get pie. It’s like a reward. I put up with you and you put up with me kind of thing, so we get something to eat.”

Sirius tosses his head back, letting out a bark of a laugh. Your eyes linger on his neck for a second longer than they should. 

“Well the rumors are indeed true,” he says. “Guess we’ll have to ditch Remus, then. Make it a proper date and whatnot.”

“That seems unkind,” you chuckle.

“He’ll live.”

————

“What’s happening here?” Sirius throws himself into one of the chairs on the other side of the table where you and Remus sit. 

“We’re reading,” Remus tells him. “Go away.”

Remus had shown you to this table. Said it was his favorite. There are a small group of them in the very back of the library, behind one of the last rows of shelves. You wouldn’t know they were there unless you went looking. 

He said it’s where he goes to hide when James and Sirius won’t shut up and let him work, which is more often than not. 

“You whined about me making new friends,” Sirius says, “so that I’d leave you alone, and now you’ve taken it upon yourself to steal said friend from me?” 

You cover your face with your book, sliding deeper into your chair and trying your very best to fight off a giggle. 

Sirius reaches across the table and snatches the book from your hands. He wants to see the shit-eating grin you’re hiding. He stands and moves in front of you just when you bury your face in your sleeve. 

He tugs on the fabric of your shirt. “Traded me out then, have you?”

You snort into your sweater, and Sirius watched the way your shoulders shake. Remus eyes his friend’s hand, trying to make sure he didn’t lose your page with his frenzied antics. He didn’t though, pale thumb tucked into the paper.

Remus sets his own book down, stretching over the back of the chair. He’s thinking about going to bed. 

Instead of looking at Sirius like you know he wants, you turn to Remus.

“Leavin’ me, Rem?”

Sirius scoffs. Rem his ass. 

Remus lowers his head so that it’s level with yours. “Sleepy,” he says, squeezing his eyes shut. You look at the scar that runs through his brow and across his eyelid. There’s another by his ear. You wonder if he’ll tell you about them someday. 

He bumps his forehead—the gentlest of taps—with yours, and then he’s standing. Sometimes you forget how lanky he is when he’s always so hunched over. 

“Goodnight, Lupin,” you say. 

“Goodnight, you two. Don’t get too wild. This is still a library.”

Sirius takes the chair Remus had been occupying. You look at him, and reach for his hand. He wouldn’t even think about denying you taking it, even if he is being a grump. 

“I have not traded you out, Sirius.” He glares at you, though his eyes are still much too soft for it to be anything malicious. He’s not sure he could ever look at you in a hateful way. 

“You could’ve read with me,” he argues, tickling your palm. You try and wriggle your hand away, but he only presses his fingers firmly into your skin, keeping you there. 

“Come on.”

“No, you could have,” he continues. “I can be very well behaved, if need be.”

“Oh yeah?” You’re the one smirking now. Sirius is afraid he might never get this image of you out of his head. 

“Yeah.” He leans in, nuzzling his nose against your temple. When he pulls away, you realize he has a smattering of freckles under one eye. You have the urge to touch them, and so you do. 

He relaxes against your hand. “You’re very pretty, Sirius.”

“Thank you.” He kisses your knuckle. “You’re very pretty, too, sweets.”

“Thank you.”

In the weeks since your Mandrake project has finished—and the plant did indeed survive—Sirius has grown increasingly attached to you. Frankly he finds himself shocked that you’re willing to deal with him at all, let alone that his friends like you so much. He wasn’t even a little upset that you’re spending time with Remus. You have a lot in common, actually. 

He just likes to tease you. And he’s very good at it. 

“So you come looking for me because you need something? Or are you perhaps attention starved?” You question, taking your hand away from his face, though your other is still within his grasp. 

“Most definitely the latter.”

“What do you want me to do about it?”

He speaks close to your ear as if he’s about to spill the world’s most confidential information. “Is this a safe space?”

“Absolutely,” you assure him. 

“I want you to play with my hair,” Sirius says. 

You gasp, clutching at your nonexistent pearls. 

Your moment's pause makes him a little nervous. “Well let’s get on with it then,” you tell him.

You take Sirius up to your common room, it being much too late for anyone to be up. You slip your fingers into his hair, scratching at his scalp until he’s falling asleep and you’ve made promises of braiding it sooner or later. Eventually, you have to wake him, send him off to bed.

And he pouts. God, does he pout. But it’s okay. He’ll get you to do it again tomorrow.

————

please let me know if you liked this! feedback is always appreciated!! comments and reblogs mean more than you know. <33

[asarigg]

Inside the Character's Mind: Part 2

IMPULSIVENESS AND REBELLION

I speak of Koujaku as a gentle person, consciously controlling his appearance and behavior knowingly and yet he is known as the brawler, impulsive of the group. And the truth is that it’s kinda sad, because just like the issue with women or the sword he carries on his back, it could have been built better. In his defense I must say that the only times he is seen being aggressive or taking the initiative in a confrontation in any case is with a previous provocation either towards him or because someone is hostile to Aoba. However, NC’s mistake, due to how the VN is made, is that it becomes something that happens all the time as soon as they introduce the rest of the characters.

As a child and teenager, Koujaku externalizes his rebellion and impulsiveness, and it’s a magnificent contrast to his adulthood to see how his behavior has changed after the life he had with his father. Those two characteristics of his personality haven’t gone anywhere, but they are much more controlled, watered down. This is so important for his character that it saddens me that they use it so often only to show his anger and rage instead of exploring other facets of that impulsiveness, especially when you are supposed to get to know him as a reader, it downplays when he really gets angry and his mood changes when you get into his route. The difference is still there, of course, his anger is much lighter than when he talks to Virus and Trip knowing that they “are yakuza” or when he loses his mind.

Impulsiveness doesn’t always have to be related to negative emotions, but positive ones too: when it comes to saying something, expressing his feelings for Aoba, he sometimes stumbles or doesn’t know what to say and tries to reword the sentence instead of thinking about it first, the inability to keep a cool head when Aoba needs help is not out of pure anger, but out of worry, stuff like that.

There’s a part after Noiz takes Aoba out of the shop, when the two groups confront each other but right before the fight there’s something that showcases what I’m trying to say here. Noiz is having this provoking attitude and it’s obvious that it’s bothering Koujaku. But he remains in his place, showing that he is hotheaded, but is always in this constant state of controlling everything about himself. Kou, member of Benishigure, is the one that jumps trying to physically fight Noiz, but Koujaku is the one to stop him. This one bit was so short, but it really speaks volumes of that change his personality had to go through for the sake of survival, but that at the end of the day still has the same essence.

STORY OF SOULMATES: THE BEGINNING OF THE ROMANCE. THE INTIMACY OF THEIR FRIENDSHIP

I think it’s time to talk about his relationship with Aoba in more depth. I’d like to start by highlighting how the romantic feelings between the two of them develop. To be honest, it doesn’t really seem like there are any purely romantic scenes between them, especially when we enter Koujaku’s route, it immediately jumps to tension and mystery, seen in a superficial way one could think that there really isn’t any interaction between them to develop a relationship beyond discovering the truth about each other. But the answer is already given to us by them when they confess their feelings.

It’s not just Koujaku, but Aoba too who had these feelings way before everything. When he says that “at some point” he feels the same way, he’s not referring to any point in the route, but much earlier. What happens in Koujaku’s route would be more like an awakening, it’s the moment when Aoba realizes his feelings, how important Koujaku is to him that, at a moment when he feels like he could lose him forever, he puts everything else aside (meaning: the safety of the entire island) to focus on helping him.

Of course, this thing about not having a moment where their “friendship” develops I mean it, for example, like when Aoba has the chance to get to know Clear or Noiz better in scenes that are pretty easy going, because they are already friends before the game starts, so the kind of development they need is different. The only time something like that happens is when Koujaku carries Aoba on his back, but even then it doesn’t last long, and even during the scene Aoba still has doubts about Koujaku in his head that he doesn’t know whether to ask or not, and immediately afterward they return to the tension.

With this I don’t mean to say that this is a negative thing at all, what I want to emphasize is precisely that this kind of relationship with romantic connotations does not happen in his dedicated route, but in the common route. The “point” in which Aoba is falling in love with Koujaku happens before any of this, and it’s not until his route that he begins to realize it and finally gives it a name and it’s impossible to deny it when Koujaku confesses his own feelings. 

Obviously where this is most noticeable is in the balcony scene. Physically nothing extraordinary happens in which they say “Wow, well that just happened...”, but mentally, from Aoba’s point of view, pretty intimate things are revealed.

It’s only with Aoba that Koujaku allows himself to relax, and Aoba knows it. It must be special to him too that despite being surrounded by people, this man only lets himself be seen in front of him. This is also the reason why upon meeting him at the beginning of the game, Aoba says that he’s just acting and that fake smile only works with those people, more on this later. It’s a symbol of their intimacy, and it’s a place where they can relax without having to worry about anyone watching them. And that’s precisely why Koujaku doesn’t care that there aren’t any good views there.

It doesn’t really matter what’s on the other side of the balcony, but what’s next to him, Aoba. Being able to have a moment when he can let his guard down and not be on alert for everything and keep pretending, and it’s with someone so important that he can share a laugh with and be able to forget about everything for a moment, almost as if he could go back in time.

Koujaku said he’d stay the night but says that he remembered he had something to do, we never know what it is. We don’t have any clues if it might be about his mother, it’s never said, so I doubt it. It might be because of the reaction he had when he saw Aoba sleeping, or it could be that they just cut that part because they thought they were giving Koujaku too much time. Cowards, they’d sleep together.

Before he goes out onto the balcony, Aoba stares at him, observing his expression, and observing his hands, mentioning how pretty he thought they were, that even he himself finds it strange to think like that, despite them being full of ugly scars.

Obviously it’s not just about Koujaku’s hands alone anymore, but also about what joining their hands means to them. As children they always grabbed their hands and for Aoba that was a way of knowing that someone was with him, that he was no longer alone, it was a relief. And now that they are older it has other, much deeper romantic connotations, but not so far away.

Their hands have a romantic and vital meaning for them. But Koujaku also uses his hands as a sexual game. And when those two things come together, it becomes an especially intense moment for both of them, because they both overflow with their feelings. Aoba feels loved, wanted, needed, it makes him feel accompanied, it gives him the security that what he feels for Koujaku is completely reciprocal. It gives him support, it gives him stability.

He also sees Ren in his arms, and he trusts him to hold him. Knowing the importance of Ren for Aoba, since he is the companion who’s always guiding him, and who he can always hug when he’s not feeling well, this is even more relevant.

I think the contrast is funny because both of them grab Beni like a ball and throw him to each other. Ren is getting fluffy privilege.

If you ask me, I find it curious that in the same scene Koujaku also mentions how beautiful he thinks Aoba’s hair is, because there’s some kind of reciprocity created. Of course if Aoba is in love with Koujaku’s hands, he is in love with Aoba’s hair, both being a strong emotional connection between the two.

Once he steps out onto the balcony and catches Koujaku’s eye, he smiles at him. Well, you can see for yourself that he seems quite flirty, when he could have been drawn literally any other way.

And it's not the only time he has a flirtatious attitude towards Aoba, and he’s not seen doing this with other men, even if it was just for fun. Entre broma y broma la verdad asoma.

Aoba keeps an ashtray just for when Koujaku comes over. He doesn’t even smoke in his room, only on the balcony, he could just let the ash fall on the street or just not smoke at all but.

In the end, it’s these kinds of details that give us an idea of the romantic connotations, and knowing what’s behind them and how it connects to the ending, it becomes obvious that not only Koujaku, but also Aoba has been deeply in love with Koujaku for a long time. But they couldn’t make them too obvious because it’s the common route, and there are four other characters with dedicated routes.

In a way, they reflect a symbolic state of their relationship beyond their reality, and with this I mean that during the common route Aoba and Koujaku could be considered somewhat of a couple, and I say this mostly because of their later content. The route would be a break-up arc, it could even be interpreted as infidelity (which actually it is literally infidelity, but not sexual or romantic infidelity as it can be interpreted in a second reading. Although it focuses more on the doubt and distrust about a possible betrayal than “cheating” itself). After overcoming the problems comes the reconciliation, and I consider that there are quite a few elements that resonate in Reconnect, the Drama CD and the SSS that, some more obvious and others not so much, could be interpreted as their marriage or engagement. You probably already know what I’m talking about, but more on that later.

I know Koujaku’s traditional corny ass would NOT not ask Aoba in marriage, but there are many things that are rather done than said, and these are some of them.

[k-tarotz]

will seunghan get a second chance to be in riize again?

If my memory serves me right, he is debuting as a soloist, right?

death reversed, seven of wands, three of swords reversed, king of wands

unfortunately, this is a no.

and based on the energy, he doesn’t even want to go back either. don’t get him wrong, he cherishes the members and the bonds that he has made but at this point he doesn’t wish to participate in any of that anymore.

he tried already and didn’t feel welcome, so in his eyes if he were to try once again it would mean having to go through that kind of hell again by his own. he feels like he can’t truly rely on anyone, even if people want to be there for him.

it’s like the things that happened had broken his heart in a way and have left him with a bigger trauma than what he could have imagined.

he knew being an idol will come with it’s own hardships but he didn’t expect this. he also seems self aware and is putting himself first. realistically, he knows he isn’t mentally strong enough to handle all this pain by himself without burdening anyone with it.

he views his very own presence in the group as something negative and he more than likely was so disappointed by some ‘fans’ to the point it leads him with resentment towards them if it makes sense.. ? he doesn’t want to go back to the group just to look at the same group of people who almost put an end to his career whenever he works. not the members, but which.

in his mind, if he were to continue it in riize he would forever wonder ‘which one of these fans protested for me to be out of the group?’, so he doesn’t want to look them in the eyes not during fansigns, not on concerts, not during comeback stages and doesn’t even want to read their comments out during lives. he doesn’t hate briize, but he seems to have a lack of trust and a thought at the back of his mind that ‘they might not want you here’.

so he doesn’t want to go back to the group because he believes that putting himself, the members and genuinely sweet and supportive briize through that is just unfair and not okay. he tried to make it work, but at the end of the day even if he feels longing he believes it’s best for things to stay as they are right now.

so in short, no, currently I do not see that happening because neither him or the company is really trying for that to be a thing. that chapter seems to be closed, for now.

– Candy

[inkcoffinz]

Hey uh. You mentioned that you can drop an analysis on what Denmark was like growing up. Is it possible for you to elaborate on that?

Our interpretations of Denmark has been quite... different (and I am saying this in the most positive way possible! I can *really* see where you are coming from as well) and I want to know more about it! He is my comfort character for about 6 years now and that may or may not have caused some heavy bias (/neg) in how I think of him

Of course! I would love to. Like many characters, I write Magnus as just inherently very flawed, so he was a terrible person growing up- but I just wanted to put the disclaimer that I’m not trying to single him out or anything: all the nations are messed up in some way.

Magnus is similar to Arthur in the sense that he has a very clear vision of what his ideals are- the issue stemming from that is that he often, when he was younger, either completely ignore aspects that didn’t fit that vision or deluded, unconsciously or not, that things were actually fitting his ideals.

When he was ‘born’, he very quickly was thrusted into a mindset centered around being great and having a perfect life that he envisioned. Participating in stuff like Viking raids very young kinda gave him a big head in the sense that “these people all fear me because I am so great. I must keep this greatness.” So, as he aged, his kingdom formed, his “alliances” with Sweden and Norway formed- all he could focus on was keeping up this perfect, great vision that he had. Which led him to inherently mistreat those around him, especially if they didn’t uphold to his vision. With Sweden, he grew a resentment towards him because of how Sweden completely went against his expectations. With Norway, he ignored aspects about Norway and their relationship with eachother and replaced it with a perfect ideal relationship he had for the two of them- inherently ignoring and disregarding Norways feelings on the matter. He was already so deep into this illusion that he had created, this perfect life that he did everything for, that when reality went completely against it.. he discarded reality- preferring to live his in illusion. (There are canon scenes that show how little of reality denmark actually is paying attention to- like with Norway’s house being so run down and him just then realizing his situation even though he had been partners with him for years at that point. )

Now, Magnus didn’t stay like this forever. With maturity and a very crucial series of events called the Napoleonic wars, he was eventually snapped out of his delusion. After being forced to give up his unhealthy attachment to Norway and facing both a heavy blow to his kingdom and ego, this is where I think Magnus started to see the light of.. “wow.. the world truly isn’t the delusion that I thought it was and I have been wallowing in a harmful dream that’s effected the people around me negatively” he finally processed the fact that no, Denmark, you are not all that. And at first, he was crushed and sank into self pity. Then, he just sort of accepted it. To this day, I think he still has self image issues, he now has a lot of doubts about himself, who he is, and what others think of him, but he covers up how little self esteem he has now with the jokester persona. Even more, he is now genuinely trying to be better for the people around him.

There ye go.. the den. Curious what your thoughts are on my interpretation! Feel free to share!

[summerongrand]

Psyched On U: Forever Young

This is my first Chenford Week! 🥳 I had already been working on 4 fics prior to the announcement ... so rather than tweaking my stories to fit the days and prompts, I’ve rearranged the order of the days so that the prompts align with my stories. There's a reason for this arrangement and by the end of the week, the reason should be obvious.

Jealous!Tim makes an appearance in this new chapter of Psyched On U. There's also a TW for mild mentions of racism during COVID. This chapter fulfills two of Day 4's prompts: missed moments and found family. Read it here.

As I wrote this chapter, I thought about how "the show's" decision to not explore anti-Asian sentiments through Lucy is a huge missed opportunity for her growth. Yes, they could still do this in S7. But this could've easily been incorporated into Season 3 with Doug Stanton, or in place of the bio dad story in Season 4. The bio dad story hurts Lucy’s character by further depleting her relationship with her mother. It also contributes to more negativity and even threats of violence by some fans towards Vanessa (and Patrick Chen). Considering the anti-Asian sentiments already happening in real-life, "the show’s" portrayal of Lucy's parents has given some fans an outlet to act on these racially charged beliefs by attacking her parents.

Melissa O’Neil, the writers, and EPs (all of whom I am collectively referring to as "the show") are of course all involved in how Lucy is developed, written and portrayed. Family dynamics are a part of this involvement. There's a lot of room for improvement. I'm not at all saying that they need to paint her parents as saints or that they should. But what I am saying is, it's not a good idea to add gasoline to an already out of control wildfire. Had they gone with an anti-Asian storyline instead of an anti-Asian character storyline, Tim could've grown from seeing how racism impacts his own boot and her family, and how it differs from Jackson's experience. But rather than giving Lucy an empowering arc that explores her own experiences with this topic, we got a random bio dad arc that fuels real-life hate.

Even though the show doesn’t reveal Lucy’s bio dad’s background, it seems this arc was a way to distance Lucy from her heritage—possibly so that "the show" (Melissa, writers, EPs) would have fewer reasons to acknowledge Lucy's identity. The fandom at large does not acknowledge her identity either, frequently whitewashing this beloved character of color. I think if "the show" (Melissa, writers, EPs) did a better job of conveying who she is, we would see this happening less. In addition to whitewashing, this distancing of Lucy from her heritage has caused parts of the fandom to eLeVaTe ethnically indeterminate bio dad as a white savior - which itself is another discussion for another time. But despite this, I commend how Alexi's wife has used her platform even as "the show" (Melissa, writers, EPs) remain quiet.

As I mentioned, this chapter acknowledges COVID-era racism against people of Asian descent and scratches the surface of this topic ... but that's more than "the show" (Melissa, writers, EPs) have done in canon and on social media. My goal isn’t to delve into real-life issues through this 'missing moments' piece but to give more realism and depth to these characters through this important yet grossly underexplored part of their lives.

[cancerian-woman]

https://www.tumblr.com/cancerian-woman/742418693542264832/the-parallels-between-tyler-and-klaus-are-actually?source=share

I think both Tyler and Marcel get hate because people love the main characters of the shows that they’re in. In Tyler’s case, Klaus was a main villain and had that little stint with Caroline, so it really didn’t matter what evil shit Klaus did to deserve Tyler’s hate, he was gonna be hated regardless. Even in TO, because The Mikaelsons™️ were the main characters, Tyler trying to kill that werewolf girl is vilified even though she deserved it. Same with Marcel, even though he wasn’t always right, he was right most of the time and justified in his feelings towards Klaus and the family, but because he was against the Mikaelsons™️, people hated him. There’s also the fact that he’s black and Tyler also doesn’t look white, but the fandom isn’t going to acknowledge the racism at play, ESPECIALLY when it comes to Marcel, considering he was literally a slave and Klaus constantly used that against him, but the fandom ain’t ready for that conversation (they literally tried to gaslight someone who brought up the subtle racism in the way Klaus talks to Marcel, let me link it).

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheVampireDiaries/comments/1643ll4/klaus_was_lowkey_racist_for_saying_this/

But I think Marcel is a little less hated in TO compared to Tyler in TVD/TO due to the fact that he had better writing and an actual storyline going for him. Tyler was only there when convenient and I think Plec didn’t know what to do with him.

Reddit is hell. You aren’t wrong either. One TVDU fans will always deny racism ingrained in the plot bc godforbid their favorite show has some negative connotations. I want to add in Elijah and Hayley are just as guilty (if not all the Mikaelson’s) of having some racist/and or derogatory dialogue to Marcel.

Second point Tyler from season 1-4 alone had the development people think Damon/Klaus had. However, whenever you give Tyler any sort of praise for NOT taking that abuse from Richard/Klaus copying that behavior. People will mention how Tyler tried to kill Hayley and unborn Hope to lessen his development. As if Hayley and Klaus didn’t deserve that shit.

It’s irritating as hell Tyler was the introduction to werewolves. Most of that was off screen but we do see how adamant Tyler is about freeing these hybrids from their sirebonds and slavery to Klaus. Just for them to die and for Hayley to get a full push as this werewolf queen who cares about everyone. While never acknowledging her past.

Michael Trevino will forever have one of the best werewolf transitions I ever seen. Nobody compares 🤷🏽‍♀️.

[bestworstcase]

on rewatch, found it very interesting that jaune doesn’t care that the paper people overhear him insulting them (or at least doesn’t visibly show it), they aren’t truly people to him in some ways, he gave them the names of his friends but they aren’t his friends, they’re props so he can feel he has someone to save, they’re remnants….

anyways salem parallels first the years of isolation then this, the groundwork is real and they are laying it

wearily taps the sign. the story begins with salem tenderly describing humanity’s rise from the ashes the gods consigned them to, by strength of human passion, ingenuity, and resourcefulness. “they don’t know what they want! […] afterans are all either too clever, too stupid, or too crazy to trust!” isn’t a salem parallel—it’s an ozpin parallel.

specifically,

OZPIN: It is true that grimm are attracted to the relics. It’s faint, but undeniable. I believe it has something to do with their origin, but I’m not entirely sure; regardless, I feared that making you all aware would only add anxiety and negativity. It seemed like the safer option.

WEISS: You know, I’m getting real tired of people choosing what’s best for me.

YANG: Is that why you chose to to lie to everyone about Lionheart, too?

OZPIN: Yes, as a matter of fact! I believed the kingdom of Mistral deserved better than the truth!

[…]

YANG: Look, we’re supposed to be in this together. You can trust us! We’re not gonna turn our backs on you—

OZPIN: Do you really think Leo was the first? That he didn’t say those exact same words to me? I’m sorry, but you have to understand that my behaviors are backed by experience.

salem is not the immortal character devoting her existence to the holy quest of secretly shepherding humankind toward ‘redemption’—salem is not the one who weaves elaborate falsehoods to “protect” humanity from itself, and salem is not the one given to twisting herself in rhetorical knots to justify her obsession with maintaining the oppressive status quo or her refusal to put her trust in anyone but herself, and salem is not the one who treats the world like a fairytale

that’s ozpin’s bag.

the salem-jaune parallel in this episode is -> “i know i’m not okay, i’m- i’m not right, but what am i supposed to be? i’ve been alone… for so long. here. on that… bridge. i was the only one that could do it—i was the only one! and i—and now i have to live with that forever, in here or back home.” <- like i know I KNOW salem has not verbalized this feeling yet but

SO THAT’S HOW IT IS

while jaune is the antagonist, he’s ozpin. when he admits that he’s broken and finally allows turns around to face what’s hurting him, he becomes salem-but-surrounded-by-love again.

[the-crimson]

I’m not sure how to word my sadness while scrolling through the qsmp tag this morning. There was only one person that I saw (well I saw other people mentioning them as id blocked them about a week ago lmao) stiring the pot and being negative/racist while most others were either reacting to the cesspool that is Twitter or that one person which was kind of creating an echo chamber of worry/negativity.

Unfortunately there isn’t really anything we can do about the assholes other than block and move on. Don’t engage with them as they are looking for that. They want outrage and drama.

The only thing we can do is be extra positive towards the ccs. Encourage them, make more fan content supporting their rp choices, engage in the fandom in a positive way to drown out the negative.

The qsmp is very special. Don’t let the ass holes ruin it for you. Take a break from Twitter if you need to. Block people and report them for hate speech if need be. Be a positive force to counter the negativity

Forever and Cellbit were talking about cross banning everyone shitting on Bagerah and I think that is the best way we can also proceed. Don’t give the assholes any attention. Don’t argue with them. Just block and move on/continue supporting the ccs.

Please don’t let this fandom turn into the dsmp fandom

[alyjojo]

Love Reading 🌤️- December 2023 - Taurus

Singles:

Overall energy: The Fool

How you will meet: Knight of Swords

How they will treat you: 4 Cups

Long-term Potential: Queen of Swords

I assume you’re both single with this energy, but that doesn’t mean there’s a reconciliation here. One of you is taking a leap of faith towards the other person, not knowing what the outcome could even be - based on whatever had happened in the past between you. But they’re doing it anyway, you or them. Someone could be harshly communicating their judgement and negative perceptions of the other person or relationship as a whole, one/both of you speak in a way that can be like throwing knives at the other’s head, vicious & cutting in how your/their truth is spoken. There’s no real healing here. This is a Twin.

You’ve already separated one time, and it looks like this is the time period where you switch, whoever was the chaser has already gone through hell and because of that - is now the runner 🏃‍♀️ This person isn’t spiritually awakened, they aren’t feeling anything from a higher vibration, although their messages are encouraging and they’ll probably get there someday. Thus their message saying “Not Ready yet”. They’re not, they don’t get it, and can’t explain it either, but they know they hurt you, and will apologize. King of Cups shows they have a lot of deep feelings they don’t express, they’re not happy to be without you, or alone generally, but they can’t fix it either. You’re still upset at whatever happened in the past. Feelings on both sides, nostalgia on both sides, it’s still just a swap though. Long term potential is you feeling very guarded and protective over yourself & your heart where this person is concerned, feeling emotionally detached and happy you left them. They left you, you left them = Justice. Do I see reconciliation, no. No because you don’t want to. By the time this person is “ready”, you will have pulled yourself through this emotional & spiritual hell without them, successfully, and probably be on a whole other path (also meant to be). There lies the challenge of all Twin Flame journeys. Life happens ❤️ You will feel that everything has happened how it should though, Justice, and that’s a very positive outcome.

Messages -

Their side:

- I regret what I’ve done to you.

- Not Ready…yet

Your side:

- Questionable past/morals

- I need a BREAK from this.

Oracles -

Their side: TWIN FLAMES 🔥

- Yin/Yang & Balance

- Union & Duality

- Complement

- Polar Opposites

Your side: PICTURE 📸

- Looking at Pictures

- Missing You

- Nostalgia

- Make New Memories

Signs you may be dealing with:

Libra, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio & Cancer

Couples:

Overall energy: 6 Swords

Current: The Chariot

Challenge: The World

How they feel about you: Strength

How you feel about them: Knight of Wands

Outcome: The Hermit rev

Travel is all over this reading, and with The World being the challenge, there could be long distances in between you. A whole ocean even, different countries, or it’s possible one of you is from somewhere else and you’re both traveling “home” to visit. Or traveling away from home altogether, vacationing, doing something different than the usual routines and traditions in your family - whatever they are. Incorporating something new, this new start, is difficult for you to do, being a fixed sign especially, though it does feel positive. You have a lot of fear, if things are different for one year, will they be for all of the years? Is this the beginning of an end? Or whatever you’re not doing & leaving behind, is it Death forever?

You both show up as King & Queen of Pentacles, and it seems like you’re in this together, traveling together. Your person has the message that “they can’t stay” though, which leads me to believe you two actually live in different areas, and possibly interact online more than anywhere else - The World. They feel you holding back from deeply committing to this connection, because of the distance and any other variables involved. You’re The Hierophant, more old fashioned, maybe not in every way but some things just can’t be changed in your mind. We bake cookies in December and visit our families and it’s supposed to be this way, it’s the moral & traditional way for a reason - The Hierophant. Or your lover is supposed to be with you, not 5,000 miles away, and you’re questioning this relationship & how it aligns with your deeply ingrained beliefs, routines, personal preferences, and feelings.

The problem is your feelings for them, being Knight of Wands, you could feel like they’re just taking you for a ride, popping in for a quick visit just to go back where they came from days later, but nothing really changes. This situation is forcing you to see what you really want by making you see what you don’t, and the only thing you know for sure is that you don’t fully trust this person. They could feel you’re a sure bet and you feel they’re anything but. Whether that’s true or not, that’s how you feel, and you have past experiences that add to these feelings of doubt, whether it’s with this person or others.

Outcome for mid-Jan is this person coming back around again, hoping that things will work out between you. It’s like you don’t know why you even hope for this but you still do, and they do show up as your divine counterpart, The Star which lights the path you’re meant to be on, and “you are my path” for an extra sign, in case you missed the others. They are a soulmate, whether it works out in the long-run or not, whoever this is brings deep meaning to your life and illuminates your path when you feel left “in the dark”, fearful and confused - The Moon. For some this can be a Twin, they’re kinda impulsive & unreliable, you don’t see this ever working out. Twins don’t make sense, and you’re an earth sign that needs things to make sense. Aim for hopeful & leave the rest up to Spirit, Twin or not, they are something spiritually to you. Just be grateful for what they’ve brought to your life and move in your own way, towards the things you believe, want, feel, desire, expect - because you have to. If you’re just traveling for the holidays, or one of you are, it will feel good to see each other, visit, and come back home. You don’t have to commit to anything you don’t want to do, that feels important for you, feelings or no feelings, if you don’t want to commit deeply to some person in another country, or whatever other issues are between you…don’t. Don’t compromise your beliefs and also don’t force other people to abide by them, if it’s meant to be it will be ❤️

Messages -

Their side:

- Homebody 🏠

- I can’t STAY

Your side:

- You are my path.

- Gorgeous 😍

Oracles -

Their side: HEALTHY CHOICES 🥬

- Self-Love & Self-Care

- Being Happier

- Love & Life

Your side: BLOWING KISS 😘

- Unconditional Love

- Giving & Receiving

- Fairness & Love

- Affection Returned

Signs you may be dealing with:

Taurus, Aquarius, Scorpio, Capricorn & Sagittarius

[teenyweenyeenymeeny]

🧨 for everyone u can think of! This is always one of my favorites 2 know

everyone omg … okay !!!!! if I forget anyone tell me and I will reblog !!! + this is Kind of hard for me perhaps as someone who is kind of little All of the time without many specific triggers so if I can’t think of anything or wander off topic you have to be nice to me !!

🧨 - What triggers their regression? (Positive or negative)

Mystic Messenger

Jumin - mostly it is stress !! He is always a Little bit stressed he is very busy all the time !! But when things get to him on a Personal level [like if Elizabeth III is in danger or the RFA or when he has to interact with his dad’s new girlfriends… I think there is one more thing the game said bothered him Especially but I can’t remember what it is !! Oops !!!] ALSO if he is overstimulated he regresses too !! when he is more comfy regressing he has positive triggers too like being called certain nicknames or certain cat characters he might see OR actually this one is not really positive but Also it is not negative but he thinks it is. Very Inconvenient !! But wearing a mask starts to be something that makes him feel little just because it is something he does most often when he Is little and similarly !! Sometimes putting a diaper on for bed makes him feel small !!

Yoosung - if ANYONE babies him he WILL be a baby in response 🤍 including praising him and calling him cute OR teasing or worrying for him which !! Happens often hehe… SO much makes him regress like. Thinking too hard about regressing triggers it !! Talking about Rika makes him regressed and upset though :(

Seven - he doesn’t regress too often especially when he is Big Brother In Charge but. EXTREMELY easy way to make him regress is. Vanderwood getting frustrated with him jsjsjsj Vanderwood isn’t Exactly his caregiver but he definitely has a. Naggy mom role tehe

Saeran - for positive triggers… ice cream! It reminds him of the good parts of his childhood… but unfortunately that is kind f… the only good happy one 🥺 most f th time he regresses for a specific reason it is becaus of nightmares :(

Ray - he has a lot of similar negative triggers as Saeran but more positive ones !! He regresses when people are affectionate toward him 🤍

Persona 5

Akira - soso many once again… affection… praise… AND also when he feels like he did something wrong :( he ALSO regresses if he does stuff he does when he is little !! Like consuming kiddy media or colouring or playing games or I don’t know !! Wah !! Oh accidents too !! They make him feel Very little

Futaba - she regresses when she is scared or overwhelmed :( but more POSITIVELY she mostly regresses when Kira is already regressed !! She loooves being his cool big sister 🤍

Akechi - regresses when he is overwhelmed and when he is frustrated he throws BIG tantrums

Mishima - he !! regresses when he feels safe I think ๑❛ᴗ❛๑ like hm. After something scary when things are okay again !! he is. Forever Relieved he doesn’t regress IMMEDIATELY when things are scary he doesn’t like to think about what would have happened if he regressed in front of Kamoshida :( and being praised of course. He is a good baby ๑>ᴗ❛๑

Persona 4

Yuu - weh… difficult I was just about to say But perhaps not. As much as I first thought he regresses when other people baby him and this is Vague it. Includes even when Yosuke buys food for him and stuff like that !! Also specifically !!! Bunny apples because Ayane and he eat them when they regress together 🤍

Yosuke - often he regresses when he is anxious !! mostly in a jealous way like if he feels left out he is like 🥺🥺🥺 but Also when either Chie or Yuu are regressed he almost ALWAYS does he is their big brother !!

Chie - sometimes when she is watching kung fu movies and practicing her moves she is having so much fun and she regresses !! And also when Yosuke is regressed she is almost ALWAYS his little sister + when Yuu is regressed she likes to be his big sister but she doesn’t always regress to do that

Kanji - cute things 🤍 especially more “girlish” cute things because he is more comfortable presenting in a more traditionally “feminine” way when he’s little !! He loves soft things especially like stuffed animals and blankets AND he also loves cute little animal crackers 🤍 all of these things help him regress !!!!! AND also when his friends are gentle with him 🤍

Naoto - he regresses either when he is overwhelmed OR when he is having fun !!! Especially if he is solving puzzles !!!! He loves those 🤍

Teddie - it is kind of hard to tell when he is regressed or not because VERY little changes but he does it when he is having fun OR when he and Yosuke fight that is an INSTANT little brother trigger

Ayane - I think she is. Like me !!!! She is almost always kind of little she is just also almost always able to pretend she’s not around people she doesn’t trust [everyone but Yuu] the only triggers she has to make her feel so little she can’t as easily hide it are when she has to settle for things she doesn’t like for the sake of others’ happiness and also !!!! Bunny apples ๑❛ᴗ❛๑

Lookism (no one cares but me 🤍)

Jay - getting attention especially from Daniel !!! He is kind of easy to trigger most of the time it is not specific but when Daniel talks to him it certainly makes him regress

Vasco - ouuuu being taken care of and fussed over 🤍 like after he gets in a fight when Jace cleans him up Easy start to baby time !!! Especially if he gets a cool bandaid !!!!!!!

[bornfornothin]

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑  𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐒 .

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁  𝟶𝟶𝟷    :    𝐓𝐇𝐄    𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄.

NAME  :    job mendel pasternak EYE COLOR  :    brown, almost hazel HAIR STYLE  /  COLOR  :    black, and graying just a little, but he dyes it so no one can tell. it’s wavy and sort of long, but not as long as it used to be. he styles it in a pretty fluffy and dated style. he uses a lot of hairspray. HEIGHT  :    6'2″ CLOTHING STYLE  :    crop tops and button ups with loud patterns that are never actually all the way buttoned, if at all. he wears very tight jeans, jean cut-offs, and leather pants. sometimes he wears colorful little sports shorts; the very short kind. he owns one suit that he really only wears to temple, usually, and it’s orange plaid. BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE  :    his eyebrows or his nose. maybe his eyelashes.

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁  𝟶𝟶𝟸    :    𝐓𝐇𝐄    𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄.

FEARS  :    that his life is never going to get any better, only worse. being alone forever. GUILTY PLEASURE  :     there isn’t anything in particular that he feels guilty about more than others. he usually feels some kind of general guilt about most things he enjoys sometimes. BIGGEST PET PEEVE  :    when people assume he’s a christian. when people make fun of his accent. there’s a lot more that bothers him, but they’re less pet peeves and more things that make him really angry. AMBITIONS FOR THE FUTURE  :    he’s always just wanted to have a fairly normal life, and get married and have kids, but it’s really seeming like that won’t happen for him, so he tries not to think about it. he’s never been ambitious at all.

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁  𝟶𝟶𝟹    :    𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒.

FIRST THOUGHTS WAKING UP  :    "i'm never gonna drink again.” or “whose house is this?” (even if he’s home; he’s just disoriented a lot) THEY THINK ABOUT MOST  :    job is highly prone to negative self talk, and regularly criticizes himself, even just generally. he frequently thinks he’s not good enough, not smart, not all that good looking, and things like that. he also worries about and dreads the future more and more as he gets older. mostly, though, he thinks about sex. WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT BEFORE BED  :    if he’s alone, he thinks a lot about either a specific person or generally about wishing someone was there with him. if he’s depressed, he thinks a lot of self-deprecating things. WHAT THEY THINK THEIR BEST QUALITY IS  :    i know i’ve mentioned a few times that job doesn’t usually believe himself to be particularly good looking, but he does think he’s sexy (there’s a difference). he thinks he’s got a nice body. personality-wise, he knows he’s pretty thoughtful, or at least that he tries to be.

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁  𝟶𝟶𝟺    :    𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓’𝐒    𝐁𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑?

SINGLE OR GROUP DATES  :    it’s a toss-up. he does think it’s nice to see his friends make out with other people and all, but he likes the intimacy of single dates. group dates where everyone is with each other is great too. TO BE LOVED OR RESPECTED  :    loved, for sure. he doesn’t care about being respected, beyond basic human respect. BEAUTY OR BRAINS  :    honestly, beauty. he doesn’t care how smart someone is. and honestly, people who are particularly smart, in his experience, tend to be condescending towards him and treat him like he’s dumb. not that he would avoid someone just because they’re smart. that said, he finds a lot of physical traits beautiful, even if they’re not conventionally considered to be so.  DOGS OR CATS  :     cats. 

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁  𝟶𝟶𝟻    :    𝐃𝐎    𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐘…

LIE  :    all the time. a lot of it is just out of habit. there’s many times where the truth would be better in the long run, or even when it doesn’t really serve any purpose to lie. BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES  :    not really. sometimes he does, but overall, no. BELIEVE IN LOVE  :    yes, very much. he’s been in love a lot, but not had a lot of people be in love with him. WANT SOMEONE  :    always.

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁  𝟶𝟶𝟼    :    𝐇𝐀𝐕𝐄    𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐘    𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑…

BEEN ON STAGE  :    yes, many times. he’s sang in clubs. CHANGED WHO THEY WERE TO FIT IN  :    no. as much as he wants to be liked, he doesn’t see the point in people liking him for anyone other than who he is.

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁  𝟶𝟶𝟽    :    𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄𝐒.

FAVORITE COLOR  :     he likes a lot of colors, mostly very bright or pastel, like orange, yellow, red, and pink. FAVORITE ANIMAL  :     he would say bugs bunny FAVORITE BOOK  :     he has never read a book (besides the torah) FAVORITE GAME  :    baseball, both playing and watching

𝙻𝙰𝚈𝙴𝚁  𝟶𝟶𝟾    :    𝐀𝐆𝐄.

DAY THEIR NEXT BIRTHDAY WILL BE  :    idk i’m not checking HOW OLD WILL THEY BE  :    40, and he’s about due for a midlife crisis

TAGGED BY: i think i stole this from @sparrowsfall​ a really long time ago but i ain’t even sure TAGGING: steal it

[ignorethisblogplz]

I wish I didn’t have to exist. Not in the way of hating my mother for having me, it isn’t her fault I feel the way I feel. Existence is just tiring, I feel exhausted all the time. No matter if im happy or upset, im just so tired of being here, and the only other option is suicide. But my issue isn’t wanting to die, it’s with being alive. Life itself is a constant question of “Is [this] worth [this]?”and it has always been this way for me. Is cleaning my room worth doing, just to avoid argument? Is getting out of bed worth it, just to get through another day? Is life worth living, just to struggle through every second?

I cant even question if I want to die, because my answer is ever changing. Sometimes I just want to hurt, and to be upset and angry about it all. I feel like im stuck in some horrible situation with no solution. Sometimes I make myself hurt to take the edge off, sometimes I do it without reason.

The other answer is that I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to experience consciousness. It’s the expression of wanting to sleep forever, or to isolate and rot all day.

Another answer could be that I want to die to hurt others, just for interacting with me. This shows up the least, but occasionally I just want to die to be mourned. Maybe to take someone else with me, whether I love them or not.

The worst part of living is knowing I don’t have it that bad. I don’t have another mouth to feed, im not impoverished, im not sick. Im safe and fed and I can enjoy things. I haven’t experienced a real tragedy in my life, the worst thing to happen to me hardly affects me anymore. It could be so much worse, and yet I cant bring myself to enjoy living. I can hardly bring myself to want anything other than small distractions. I don’t want a future, I don’t want a home, I don’t want a family, I don’t want to create. I can’t even shake off simple things, everything that upsets me just eats away at me endlessly. Self awareness is the only real curse I have, I know most of my problems are self made, and I either don’t know how to solve them, or I don’t have the discipline to solve them myself.

There comes the issue of “If destruction of yourself meant destruction of others, would you?” and the flip-side of “If destruction of others meant destruction of yourself, would you?”

And the answer is that I don’t know. Im not sure I hate myself, and I certainly don’t hate everyone. I don’t think everyone deserves to die, I frequently find myself sympathetic to anyone I consider “followers”. Even if it’s a group of awful people, I can find sympathy for the lowest tiers.

But I would really like to cease to exist, I just would hate to live through the aftermath of the attempt, or live beyond death. I wish I could make others cease to exist, before they have to experience life at all. Once they are living, it is up to them what they want, but I wish someone would have saved me from existence.

Sometimes I get stuck in my head, frequently so. I think people are out to get me, and sometimes they are. Sometimes im correct. I can be logical and recognize that my own mother probably won’t want me dead, but sometimes I can’t help but think that the people I center my life around won’t end up hating me for some reason or another, or that they don’t already. Im almost certain that most people who see me without meeting me are either apathetic or negative towards me.

This feeling even reflects into straight apathy towards most things. The strongest example of this in my opinion is how lax my boundaries could be in some situations. Cheating? If you don’t leave me or give me a disease, sure. Hurting me? Just don’t rack up the bills. Breaking things? Id rather you not but if i really love you it’s okay. I know these are things I shouldn’t let people get away with, but I just can’t bring myself to waste the energy to care. Im constantly in a beaten down state, I could agree to pretty much anything as long as I don’t have to put in extra effort.

It’s only made worse by being transgender, I just can’t be bothered to pass sometimes. Anytime I feel like someone sees me as a man, it just feels fake and performative. The most relaxed I ever feel is when im alone, no mirrors, and with some distraction to drown out my thoughts. I can forget I am alive, I can forget I have a body. I can feel like there is nothing outside of my room, like im just a phantasm haunting the place. But being a ghost isn’t what I would want, that still requires existence, even post mortem.

[writingreadingdaydreaming]

what are your thoughts on the rumours that players from the bundesliga are planning to come out

Honestly? I have some complicated feelings.

Personally I feel like this generation (I mean like people born post 1995ish) are actually starting to regress in term of social development, I don’t think I’ve ever seen people - particularly white people, straight people, cisgender people and men - so hateful towards marginalised groups. If this does happen, the unanimous reaction will not be positive. Look at Josh Cavallo, he says he still gets death threats on a daily basis due to his coming out, and this is someone who is not an international name (as most people outside Australia/New Zealand don’t really engage in the A-League and Josh is yet to debut for the Australian senior men’s team). Obviously we don’t know how high profile the player who may be about to come out are, so we can imagine that they are probably more well-known than Cavallo, therefore the reaction will be doubly as severe. I’m not saying that them coming out is a bad thing, more that everyone involved (including us a queer fans) will have to be emotionally ready for that, because this will most likely be an emotionally draining event for a lot of people.

There’s also the possibility that this isn’t even real. It wouldn’t be the most insane rumours that has ever been falsified and we know the media will take something and run with it before fact-checking. We won’t know for another two weeks 🤷

However, as emotionally draining and challenging as this will be for a lot of people (provided it is actually real), it will be a historic moment in football history, and will probably change the course of the game forever, hopefully in a good way. I know a lot of people who played football to a pretty decent level that decided it was best for them to back out due to their queerness. I don’t want a generation of boys growing up thinking they have to sacrifice their dreams for their identity, and I would like to think that the positives of it would outweigh the negatives in the sense that a lot of young boys who may grow up to discover they are queer will not have to either live a life of regret for quitting their passion or a life of secrecy and fear by having to keep their sexuality under wraps. Hoards of new talent who don’t have to feel bound to heterosexuality to get to a high level, and don’t have to feel like football is a straight man’s game. I think that alone makes it worth it. If it can inspire one young queer boy who just likes kicking a football with his mates, then it’s worth it.

[cclearstars]

doing what you’re doing isn’t moving on or trying to move on.. it’s running and ignoring every feelings and the love that you opened up to me. it’s the fear of what you’ve been through. and to not look past the tragedy we’ve gone through and see it as an opportunity for an amazing comeback of faith is truly just making it all so negative when it doesn’t deserve to be. we deserve to give each other everything again and so much more. i don’t want to make you the villain. you fucked up. you did. you fucked up bad and i was able to give you grace. that should mean a lot to you. i don’t know when you’ll see this but being this way towards will do nothing but make 10 years and almost a year now looks like an absolute shamble of a story. we are strong. we deserve to change the habits of you and your families past. you deserve better in this life. you deserve to accept love. the funny, dark humor, loving, silly, unconditional love. and i know that you’ve been holding back in many ways but i can’t imagine it’s all what you want to be doing either.

please stop. stop blocking me. i haven’t blocked you on a single thing. even with how i feel. very rated that you’d treat me like K so easily to try and forget. don’t. don’t run. we were ready. what happened can be nothing but a bump in the road knowing that we are the best of friends and becoming more was nothing but easy, simple, and blissful. nothing changes those facts.

stop treating me like my long messages are bullshit and leaving them without response. that shows no respect. defend me and met worth… and my character instead of always looking for a way to leave so much out of the story to other people. vulnerability is strength.

give us that. we have a lifetime. of course trying to see forever during tragedy in many categories of life is hard. the best thing we could do is continue. it’s effortless to plan shit out every day we see each other. compatibility is not an issue. life goals are aligned so easily and not an issue. support is not an issue. having kids is not an issue. so take a moment. but things are coming soon. the ball is coming soon. being scared to be married hasn’t been an issue but a woman with unconditional love and support isn’t something to be scared of. just because you were raised to be so ready to run and forget doesn’t mean that you need to do it again. it’s clearly done nothing but corrupt in the past. i’ve expressed i’d be there for it all. you showed me so much that i deserve and more. so please, don’t go down the road of destruction like we mean nothing.