#this isn’t even touching on my great grandma who was a psychic

[ryan-sometimes]

Recently I’ve been getting anons and comments doubting the validity of some of the stories I tell on here. There’s nothing I can do to convince you that the stories I tell on here are completely genuine. All I can say is that they really are. I only post the wackiest, most interesting or funny stories of my life on here. You don’t get much of the boring day to day stuff.

Truth is, I come from a very long line of crazy people. When my dad was in med school he and some friends planted a small homemade bomb in an abandoned bathroom at their university. His roommate stole a pancreas from the corpse lab and put it in a girl’s backpack. The entire med school was suspended because no one owned up to it. My uncle would sneak out at night with my grandma’s car and she’d find out because she’d check the mileage and see it’d gone up, so my uncle started driving her car backwards since that didn’t increase the mileage. He got arrested driving her car backwards on the highway to another town. My uncle would steal my grandpa’s shotgun, tell his friends to jump in the pool, and start firing it randomly at the backyard. My cousin genuinely had two weed smoking girlfriends who were also girlfriends with each other. My great uncle had an affair exposed by having his intimate photos and videos with his mistress sent to the family groupchat by people who stole his phone, all because they were salty that my aunt told them to go fuck themselves when they messaged her asking for money. My aunt took out all her life savings and moved to another state to build a bunker because she believes the apocalypse is coming, and she didn’t even take any of her children. I don’t know how to tell you this, but life is just stranger than fiction sometimes. The sample size of life stories you get on my blog are just the instances in which that’s true.

[ficdirectory]

Somewhere Inside (Disuphere series #4) Chapter 53

(To listen, click here) - 12:40

Levi’s not gonna lie.  He’s definitely curious about what Pearl’s up to this morning.  She’d looked stressed.  But if the hug was anything to go by, hopefully Levi wasn’t the reason.

When Pearl gets back a while later, the very next thing she does is ask Levi if he wants to come talk to her.

“You pick where,” she says.

“Okay...I was pretty sure I wasn’t in trouble...but...am I in trouble?” he checks.

“No.  You’re not,” Pearl says, and she sounds really sure.

“Maybe upstairs?” he suggests.  “The loft?”

They climb the stairs and sit on the floor there, facing each other.  “I wanna stop keeping things from you.  So if you’re up for some West family news - not the great kind - let me know,” Pearl tells him.

“Is it about Carla?’ he checks.

“It is Carla-adjacent, yes,” Pearl nods.  “Still okay hearing it?  You can decide not to,” she reassures.

“Is she really mad?” Levi worries.

“No,” Pearl promises.

“Okay.  Then, I wanna know.  Actually, I’d wanna know if she was mad, too.  I’d wanna know anything about her.  You know?  Just so I’d know...and…”  Levi can’t stop talking about how much he has to know about Carla.  His mind won’t stop running at top speed.

“Hey,” Pearl says gently.  “Should we do the Avoiders thing and try to slow down?”

Levi can hear her trying to pace her own speech.  He knows from experience that it is not easy, especially with an anxious personality.  But even hearing Pearl talk a little slower helps his brain slow down.  He takes a deep breath like he’s gotten used to doing this week.  A slow one.  Blows it out.  Then another.

“The most important thing for you to know?” Pearl begins when he seems calmer.  “Is that we’re safe.  She did not contact me.  But her mom did.”

“How?  You changed your number, you said, right?” Levi asks, confused.

“Yes, and I’m going to change it again.  Because my grandmother is a nosy person and she has ways of figuring things out.”

“So, what’d she want?” Levi checks.

“Oh, just to guilt trip me about how Carla’s devastated and I’m hurting the family.  She even tried to drag Dad into it…  Said what I was doing was typical West behavior.” Pearl intones, bitter.

“If she means not taking any of Carla’s shit, then she’s right,” Levi nods, proud.  “He didn’t talk about her much, but he did worry about you.  He said all the time, he divorced her because he hoped to be able to legally get you out of that environment.”

Pearl wipes her eyes with a shaking hand.  “What environment?”

“He wouldn’t really say?” Levi admits.  “But, having spent time around her myself?  I can say he wasn’t wrong to worry about you.”

“It always felt normal to me.  The lack of warmth.  I mean, I always had food.  She always made sure I saw the doctor as needed.  I never went to school bruised...but once…”

“What do you mean, but once?” Levi asks, horrified.

“She didn’t like big shows of emotion.  We had a fight my sophomore year of high school and I ended up crying because of all the upheaval.  I said, ‘I hate it here and I wish Dad were alive.’  Screamed it.  She came up behind me and brought the back of her hand back against my face.  Against my eye.  I remember the sting of her acrylic nails.  And a couple days later, it had bruised, but no one ever noticed or said anything.  So,” Pearl shrugs.  “I guess I always figured it wasn’t that bad.”

“No wonder you never mentioned Dad much then...if she gave you a black eye for it…” Levi ventures.

“Anyway, this wasn’t meant to be The Pearl Show, I’m sorry.” she apologizes.

“The Pearl Show’s my favorite,” Levi tells her earnestly.  “Anyway, are you okay from your grandma?”

“I mean, the guilt-tripping’s not really a surprise,” Pearl admits.  “I’ve definitely heard worse.”

“But I’m asking like...how you feel about it,” Levi presses gently.  “Like, do you believe her?”

“I mean, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect me...and apparently Avoiders don’t lie.”

“You’re not destroying your family, Pearl.  She did that a long time ago, all by herself.  You’re making boundaries.  Keeping us safe.  That’s not bad.  That’s what families should do.”  Levi tells her.

“Are you okay?” Pearl checks in.  “I know it’s been a lot this week.  And I know probably anything even Carla-adjacent could be upsetting.”

“You know what I notice?” Levi ventures.  “I notice that she didn’t come storming over here.  Jesus must’ve really put the fear of God into her…” Levi says thoughtfully.

“Well, there is nothing my mother cares more about than what people think about her, and people having a good impression of her.” Pearl shares.

“Jesus found her Achilles heel,” Levi smiles a little.  “So knowing that, I’m as okay as I could be.  I hope this means she’ll leave us alone.  That in time your grandma will get the message to stop harassing you….but I am really sorry she put all that on you.  And I want you to know...that I wouldn’t be mad if you wanted to talk to your mom again.”

Pearl cocks her head.  “What do you mean?”

“She’s terrible but she is your mom.  If somebody told me I couldn’t talk to mine, I’d be…”

“Devastated?” Pearl asks.  “But, Levi, you didn’t tell me I couldn’t talk to her.  I chose not to.  If it’s a choice between my abusive mother and my little brother, whom she also hurt beyond imagination?  I choose you.  I always choose you.”

“I guess I just feel guilty…” he admits.

“You don’t have to.  I understand it, but you really don’t have to.  I’ve gone through periods of low-contact before with her.  Before you moved in, even.  I think this was an inevitability.” Pearl explains. “Hey, speaking of Nia…  Does she know about any of this?”

“No,” Levi shakes his head.  “She knows I found you.  I’m living with you.  But if I ever told her what Carla did, I think she’d wanna press charges or something, and it’s been 10 years, practically.  I’m not a lawyer, but I’ve heard about statutes of limitation from TV.  Even if charges could be filed?  I’m afraid of your mom,” Levi admits softly.  “I know what she’s capable of when she’s pissed off.  Telling my mom would only hurt her.”

“It’s your choice.  Is that…?  You don’t have to answer this but is that why you left?  Because your relationship with Nia was so strained?”

“I mean, in a word, yes.  She moved back here and all the memories came, too.  She had no idea what happened.  My dad left me there that day because there was a break-in at my Grandma’s.  My mom was there alone.  My dad went to check on her.  It always kinda felt...I don’t know...like I was set up?”

Pearl nods.  “You’ve mentioned before that you felt like maybe your dad knew what happened with the mud and that’s why he left you there...as some sort of punishment.  I just didn’t know you held the same feelings about your mom.” she finishes, apologetic.

“I mean...and then...she is a mom?” Levi ventures.  “And I know it isn’t fair to say this, but like, I kind of side-eye all moms now.  Even mine.”

“I think it makes sense,” Pearl offers gently.  “I’ve told you my thing about teenage boys?”

Levi nods.

“It’s the same thing.  If our trauma was done by a particular type of person, who fits in a certain category?  I think it makes a ton of sense that we’d be disinclined to trust those people going forward.  But...I trusted you.  I let you in.”

“So?” Levi asks, confused.

“So, it might be okay to let your mom in…” Pearl offers.  “I’m not saying tell her anything you’re not ready for her to know.  But if you two have a good relationship, which it seems like you do...then maybe tell her broad strokes.  Tell her being back in Minnesota has been difficult for you.  If part of it’s missing your dad then you can tell her that if you want.  If you miss him, it’s a safe bet she does, too.  I miss him, and I barely got the chance to know him…”

Levi sighs.  “I never thought I’d be able to talk to anybody about this.  Even when I moved in with you, I wasn’t sure I could ever tell you.  I wasn’t sure it was something you’d ever wanna talk about…”

“Talking helps,” Pearl comments quietly.  “Especially with people who understand.”

“Thanks for not judging me for my feelings about my mom…” Levi hedges.

“Trust me, I am in no place to judge anyone ever.  I still feel terrible that I wasn’t there when you needed me.  That I couldn’t tell.  I don’t know.  Something.”

“You’re not a psychic, Pearl.  You couldn’t have known,” Levi reassures.  “She did the thing.  Not you.  It’s not your fault.  I feel guilty every day that that asshole hurt you.  I wish I would’ve been born and grown so we could’ve gone home together, and he wouldn’t have been able to get you alone…”

“But you weren’t born, and I could never blame you for not existing yet, because it’s not your job to protect me.” Pearl advises.

“Same,” he tells her, looking her in the eye.

“No, not same,” Pearl insists.  “You were a little soul in heaven or wherever, completely innocent - not even a baby yet - I was 28.  Fully capable of showing up.  Of being there.  Of taking you out of there.”

“Not without the full information,” Levi cautions.  “And Carla lied and lied and lied…  She lied so much no one could tell she wasn’t telling the truth.  Don’t let Grandma Not-West’s awfulness guilt you.  There’s only one place guilt belongs here.”

Pearl nods, blowing out a breath.  “Fine.”

“Fine?  What’s fine?” Levi asks.

“Fine, I believe you.  For now, I can take it in,” she explains.  “But if there is anything I can do to help you will you please let me know?”

“Actually…” Levi speaks up softly.  “Would you stay, if I wanted to call my mom?  Or is that too weird?”

“No.  I’d be happy to,” Pearl insists.

--

“Hey, Mom,”  Levi says.  “Sorry I haven’t been in touch.”

“Levi.  Are you okay?  Honey, I haven’t seen you in so long…”  Levi’s mom comments, obviously sad.

“I am...I just...being up here without Dad is weird,” he admits, looking to Pearl.  She nods her support.

It’s quiet on the other end of the call.  Then, his mom just says, “Yes.”  It sounds so heavy.  Levi had just had to exist in Minnesota without Dad.  Now, Mom had to do it without Dad and without Levi.

“If you want, I could...come home for dinner sometime…” he offers.  “We could make lasagna together?”

“Son, you know I’d love that.  When can you come?” Mom sounds brighter already.

“Our friends leave tomorrow morning, after that, I’m free.  Hey, um…  Would it be okay if Pearl and Cleo came, too?”

Levi covers the phone.  “Sorry.  Do you want to?  Mom and I make the best lasagna.  We could teach you.”

“See what she says first.  If it’s a yes, I’d love to go.  Support you.  She’s also welcome to come here.  We can get lasagna supplies,” Pearl encourages.

“Mom?” Levi checks.

“Cleo, the pug, right?  That dog is welcome any day of the week.  And so is your sister.” Mom’s tone is warm.  So opposite of what Levi expected, given Carla’s every reaction to him.

“Thanks, Mom.  Pearl says you can also come out here.  We’d take care of the groceries.”

“Whatever’s easier, honey.  I just miss you.” Mom insists.

“I miss you, too.  I’ll call tomorrow sometime and we can set something up,” Levi says.

“I love you, baby,” Mom says.

“Love you, too.” Levi echoes and hangs up.

“Oh, I’m so proud of you,” Pearl all but squeals.  “Can I hug you?”

“You don’t have to ask,” Levi says.

“I do, though,” Pearl says, sobering.  “Your boundaries.  Your choice.”

“I’ll take a hug.  Sure,” he nods, reassured that Pearl is remembering his boundaries.  Is asking.

Pearl embraces him.

“She said she’d come out here if it was easier,” Levi tells Pearl, squished against Pearl’s shoulder.

“I heard.  Cell phone volume,” she says apologetically.  “I wasn’t trying to listen in.”

“So, you heard her call you my sister?” Levi pulls back, checking, a big smile on his face.

“I did.  And I can’t wait to taste this lasagna.  You know, I can be quite the cook myself, with the right recipe…”

“Well, you’re gonna know it now.  You’ll be in the kitchen.  And you’re family,” Levi tells her simply.

“You are too much.  Too much goodness for me.  I don’t deserve you,” Pearl insists.

“You do, though.  You deserve all the goodness.”

[autumn-in-phandom]

A review of "How WHITE is Dan?!- DNA TEST RESULTS"

I was riding in the car on the way to the store when I heard a familiar alert coming from my phone. I wondered aloud “Ooo is that Dan?” He was due to have a video out today or tomorrow, but it could be one of the few other channels I’m subscribed to. I’ve been psyched out before. I opened my phone and yes it was Dan and what was more, the word DNA was there. “They were right!” Those psychic IDB members with their “strong feelings” were right. 

I for one didn’t think Dan would make this video. Mainly because he said so himself during a liveshow in the spring, shortly after Phil had posted his. He had admitted to taking the test as well, but the results were so vague and he was disappointed. I could relate, having bought DNA kits for my parents and getting very broad results, particularly for my mother’s side, which we wanted to know more about. 

However, one shouldn’t take Daniel Howell at his word. He could be lying, or in this case he might just change his mind with the seasons. He wasn’t feeling it back then, but there was a hint in his last solo liveshow that he was thinking about ancestry again. The chat asked about “the grandma tweet” and he pulled up the photo of someone’s distant relative who had a strikingly similar face to his. Someone said it could be his great-grandmother, after all his own grandma was adopted. So reasonably, someone on IDB predicted that Dan would work this photo into his DNA video. After all Dan often sits on ideas for videos and then decides to make them when he feels the “the time is right” (or the topic is relevant). 

Dan did indeed choose to make this video now for a specific reason, and while the photo may have inspired him, it didn’t make an appearance or get a mention. Apparently the driving force behind this video was current events. Current events that some fans were disappointed that Dan and Phil had not mentioned. The heated protests in Charlottesville, Virginia were mentioned in the first eight seconds: 

“Hello Internet, in these times when apparently (camera zooms in on his lips) *some people* find it difficult to tell the difference between protesting racism and *racism*, I thought it would be relevant and mildly interesting to make a video about the shared genetic history of all humans by finding out *the origins of my ancestors*.“ (Cue the soft grey filter with fake lens flares, zen music and calm hand movements from Daniel). 

I was immediately intrigued, but a bit skeptical. How was a video entitled "How WHITE is Dan?!” going to positively address racism? Especially knowing that his results were boring, so probably not that diverse. Well, he did it by following through on his topic sentence and actually showing the shared genetic history of all humans through maps of human migration. He also did some historic research into his small percentage of West African DNA. Of course the little sign in the background reading ‘AYY FUCK NAZIS’ and his black shirt with red Cyrillic letters that translate to “equality” were nice aesthetic touches. 

Mind you, the actual factual human migration information comes later in the video. First we have sarcastic philosophical Dan waffling on about lizard people on Pangea slowly drifting apart “metaphorically and physically, until the inevitable nuclear apocalypse blows our planet into tiny chunks floating infinitely into the abyss of space” with a starry falling through space effect. Woah there nihilistic Dan, stay with us. 

It’s okay, there is a quick jump cut that changes the tone immediately. It’s a mention of Phil and his DNA video, complete with a clip of “Science!Phil”. What’s more, Dan says that Phil ordered the DNA test kit for him. Perhaps, it’s just to set up his own reluctance, as he goes on to do just that. For some of us, the idea of Phil ordering DNA testing for both of them (even if it is to use in a video) paints a pretty domestic picture. Though in Phil’s video he says he was given his for free by a friend of the family who is a doctor, thinking it would make a cool video. Perhaps this is why neither of their videos seem to be sponsored by the DNA testing company, 23andMe. Or are they?

Cue relatable slightly paranoid Dan with some sharp humor about “laboratories” and being cloned and replaced “by a compliant artificial intelligence” by Mark Zuckerberg (thanks for knowing the correct spelling of that iPad) or “Zuck”, with a Stephen Hawking like voice saying “I’m coming for you Danny”. Dan of course gave a fake name for his DNA profile (as did Phil), but kept his date of birth. However he admits there isn’t really any point in trying to protect his identity on the internet. Okay, John Johnson. 

“Are you ready! Am I ready? I have no idea what to expect to be honest.” Here’s the part where I have to suspend my disbelief and just accept that Dan pretending to react to these results as if he didn’t view them several months ago does make for a better video. Just like Dan pretending to play Bubble Bobble for the first time on the gaming channel in 2016, when in reality he tweeted about reaching level 100 with Phil back in 2009, did result in a very sweet gaming video. 

 Add a being related to a giraffe joke to the lizard one. I’m not sure if this is really helping the “one human race” thing, but it’s a pretty harmless joke. “Wow. Looking pretty white. That is one blue circle there, isn’t it JJ?” (the blue being European ancestry). Dan is 98.2% European and he jokes that this is the end of the video only a minute and half in. 

Dan drags his ancestors for “literally” sticking to four countries (Britain, Ireland, France and Germany) when in reality those results are lumping Britain and Ireland together because they share so much common DNA, the same for French and German. He is also ignoring that 33.8% of his Northwest European genetics is broadly undefined and he hasn’t gotten to the Southern European, Scandinavian or West African parts yet. But I still found “really got out there and saw the world” quite funny. “Okay someone saw the sun at least” was a good one, though I wish he would have addressed his ability to tan darkly in this video, perhaps in the fair skin section. More on that below. 

More relatable humor about not wanting to hike or get on a boat gets worked in to Dan finding out that he is not the least bit Asian or American. I vaguely recall a rumor about him being part Asian, let’s lay one that to rest. And I remember him hoping years ago that he might be part Native American because his grandma was adopted, but I found that extremely unlikely. Probably just a bit of wishful thinking perhaps brought on by being Team Jacob. 

Now here is the part that interests me the most. On the Ancestry DNA test I gave to my parents, 1.8% was considered a “trace amount”, but in this 23andMe service they give a specific timeline for when each genetic group cropped up and the West African and Scandinavian both span from the late 1700s to mid 1800s, not that long ago. Dan concludes that “a ‘Scandi’ and a West African got it together” (insert graphic of the two countries coming together with a smooching sound effect). I’m not sure if that timeline is definitively saying they were a couple, but Dan’s Wikipedia research supports it and it is an interesting bit of history. 

Segue into a brief farming family reunion story. 400 cousins, I’m sure. Shift to black and white and cue the unexplained mysteries music for Dan’s adopted grandmother mention. Dan “feels like there’s some epic adventure story there for another time”. Sign me the frick up! In fact please just bring your grandma onto one of your YouTube videos. She has always been the one Dan has been most comfortable talking about and even sharing pictures of. (Oh 'helo ther’ unflattering selfie from the Tinder spon on Dan’s computer). 

I appreciate Dan showing the Haplogroup migrations of his paternal line, but in true Dan fashion it included commentary about “presumably wrestling mammoths and getting frozen or something” in Asia and “then buggered off to Europe to get bitten by a rat or something”. “And consistently had sex for thousands of years. Well done ancestors (Dan applauds) truly incredible story. Lord of the Rings. Ten out of ten. Would read again.” Lovely sarcastic Dan. 

 And as he hypes up “the fun stuff”, “weird things about your personality, health and biology”, and “intimate specific information” that he probably shouldn’t share with the Internet”, but he will because he’s “just a piece of meat”, I get hit with a mid video ad of Gwen Stefani applying mascara, because the cheeky bastard made this exactly ten minutes and one second long. (To be fair Phil did the same thing recently). 

Dan has 300 Neanderthal variants, more than 82% of their customers. This is the same percentage as Phil, who talked about his head and brow shape and nasal chambers, but Dan uses this to relate to his “dank cave” dwelling habits (never opening the curtains of his bedroom). Based on his genetics, Dan is not likely to be a deep sleeper. “As I always say, why bother sleeping when you can stay awake thinking about stuff that makes you anxious. Right! Woo!” Dan addressing his mental health with humor, is always appreciated. I can actually see the power athlete possibility. He could be a big strong guy, but “wasted potential” and all that. (Personally my lazy self recoils at the idea of people dedicating so much of their time to training up their bodies to be these perfect machines, but hopeful D&P are spending some time at the gym for their general health.) “Looking at memes and talking about myself” is a great self-aware one liner. 

 Alright “cheek dimples”! Flop. What does this test know anyway? Stop referring to them as a deformity Dan, everyone loves your dimples! Okay I just did a bunch of reading on dimples and I guess they are considered a genetic deformity now a days. However on a social-biological level they may have all sorts of benefits, from being able to read emotions more clearly, to people wanting to procreate with you and not abandoning their cute babies. Dan has also been saying lately that he’s double deformed, but it is actually quite rare to have one side of your cheeks dimpled. (I used to have dimples as a child and all of a sudden they are back, but they are closer to my mouth than my smile lines and may just be from fat. Who knows.) 

 Alright good thing this isn’t a spon, calling the results “garbage”, “pseudoscience” and a “farce” even in jest, might not fly. Dan’s distrust of blonds Tweet is (at least partially) explained. I still think it might also relate to Dream Daddy and it is a mighty coinkidink that it was posted on the one year anniversary of Frank Ocean’s album. Promos all around? We just need to accept that Dan is a multilayered creature we will never fully understand. My husband will appreciate being compared to a unicorn though. 

Dan’s pain kink and weird enjoyment of the dentist makes a resurgence! Please make a full video out of this Dan. We promise not to shame… much. “Scrape me Dad-”. Interestingly enough Phil has an average sensitivity pain but thought it would be higher, hates having his gums scraped and implied his dentist might be a sadist. 

Dramatic build up and disclaimer for genetic health and increased risk of disease section. Feeling very relieved for the low risk of Altzheimers after reading that tear jerking dementia phanfic the other day (though it was Phil with the disease and I don’t think he mentioned it in his video). Dan was clearly worked up as well. He rests his face in his palm and is visibly pink and blotchy. 

He balances the seriousness with an over the top dramatic reaction to being a carrier for red hair, complete with a black and white fake sobbing scene. I’ll admit I found his pause at “So you’re telling me that there’s a chance that I could have children— born with red hair” a bit distracting, though I’m sure it wasn’t mean that way. “There was no disclaimer for this one.” Ha. I case you didn’t know he’s just joking “you beautiful sunset heads, rub those freckles all over me.” Dan has made his love of ginger people quite clear in the past and this tends to start a discourse about Phil’s natural hair color. 

I’ll weigh in on this. Phil was clearly ginger as a young child, just as Dan was blond when he was little. Both of their hair darkened quite a bit as they grew up, each becoming increasingly more brown. It’s harder to tell with Phil because he has denied his natural hair color for so long and seemingly makes up things about old photographs. Did he actually dye his hair before his first day of secondary school? Perhaps it was a bit of bleach that brighten it up and brought out the yellow/orange tones. In Phil’s Tinder spon he did admit to his hair getting a bit ginger during the summer. However by the time of his graduation, early university years and his appearance on 'The Weakest Link’ he had light-medium brown hair that I have a hard time considering a shade of auburn. You might call it nutmeg, but not cinnamon. I have medium auburn hair that has dulled with age, but does get more copper in the sun. But I don’t think Phil can be considered ginger anymore, especially as he chooses not to embrace it, so Dan’s love of ginger people seems completely separate from his fondness for Phil (except perhaps the freckles). 

Moving on to skin pigmentation and the title of his video, “How white is Dan Howell?” He laughs at his genetically light skin. 39% Very fair, 32% Moderately fair and “at most 25% Light beige” and acknowledges his privilege. It would have been a great chance to maturely talk about his ability to tan when he was younger, relating to his Southern European and West African ancestry without making problematic 2010/2011 era jokes. However it seems paleness is part of Dan’s branding now (since Phil has clearly turned him into a vampire). Or it’s just the “never go outside”, “cave dwelling” schtick. We’ve all seen your freckles Dan. 

In conclusion he hopes that people took something away from this be it “the possibility that [he] will have a ginger child in the future, that no one believes is [his], or that humanity has so much in common and we shouldn’t be divided by fascism, or that in the near future 'Zuck’ will be able to target ads to us based on our genetic code.” I sure hope it’s the middle one. “Ayy fuck Nazis”. Still, Dan gives us 20 years before society implodes. Finally he turns a joke about exercise into a confession about crying while reading the news. Seriously, well done Mr. Howell. (Nice promo for the casual and intimate liveshows too.) 

This was a great contrast to Phil’s light hearted DNA results video with Science!Phil, CushionStack.com, buff kangaroo attraction, naked mole rats, Buffy Summers alias, “top of the morning to ya”, Phil’s French ear, German elbow, Swedish eyebrow and Sardinian freckle, alien jokes, celebrity haplogroups, testing out his photic sneeze reflex and short-term memory and talking about asparagus urine detection. Bless Phill. I love him, truly. 

Both Dan and Phil’s videos do inspire me to send off the raw data of my parents DNA to a better company that can give me more detailed results. Maybe 23andMe. I’ve heard good things about the Human Genome Project as well. Ancestry DNA was pretty rubbish. 'Zuck’ and his wife should give these boys some money (if they haven’t already).

[visceralcalum]

Pilot - Part 1

Word Count - 1881

Pairing - Dean x OC 

Warnings - language, blood, death, basically everything supernatural offers

A/N Here you go, I’m gonna give it a shot with this and see how it goes. This one is mostly prologue and the start of the pilot.  Please leave comments or send them to me privately if you want! I’m not great at this, honestly no clue how this works since i’m used to ao3, comments are definitely welcome! If you wanna get tagged, also please ask! If part 2 is uploaded I’ll edit this post and put the link in the bottom :)

Prologue She stretched on her toes, attempting to get the last remnant of the white walls with the thick brush. She cringed when her arm came in contact with the wet paint. She’ll have to redo that section for a perfect porcelain finish, she thought as she dipped her brush in the tub lying a few centimeters away from her feet. With a steady hand, she brought the bristles down the wall, watching them leave a trail of red behind, hiding the faint marks left from the posters of her Johnny Depp phase. She did a double coat on that section as she remembered how she would stay awake attempting to differentiate the shades of brown in his eyes.

As she stepped back, she twirled around the room as the old sheets protecting her carpet from paint spill, wrapped around her ankles. She glanced, letting her eyes jump of the four walls, remembering the many photographs she had stored on them. There was her high school graduation photo, where she was smiling at her grandmother instead of the lens. One of her old best friends stood next to her, showing the camera her diploma with a sly smile, as the tassels of her cap fell on her face, visibly annoying her. Then there was the photograph of her family on a beach somewhere in Spain when she was just a baby that sat on her dresser, and above her desk she used to have the photographs from her photography phase from freshman year.

And then there was the one that used to hang next to her window, the one with the broken frame. It was her most recent picture, and with recent, she meant about 5 years old. A picture of her and the Winchester brothers.

The boy on the left was about 17 years old when the picture was taken, he was slightly taller than the other guy and he was wearing a plaid t-shirt. The boy, Sam, would be, what, 22 years right now? She counted on her fingers. Yeah, 22. That would make Dean, the other boy, 26 at this moment. Dean was leaning against the car behind them, a 67’ Chevrolet Impala. He was laughing at some cheesy joke she just told him.

It’s been two years since she last saw either of them, mainly because Sam went to Stanford, and she also left for college while Dean stayed with his dad, John.

Sam  tried to keep in touch for a while, but it faded away when he started dating some girl he never told her about. She and Dean hadn’t spoken since the night she left.

She freed her ankles from the old sheets and dipped the brush in the tub and started painting again, thinking about the night when everything went to shit. She stood there with her hand wrapped around the doorknob waiting for him to speak up and ask her to stay. After what seemed like years he spoke, “So, this is it?”. He asked it if as everything that’s ever happened between them never existed. She psychically could feel her heart throb, and not in a good way.

After swallowing the lump in her dry throat, she opened her mouth. “I guess so.” “You know I didn’t want it to end this way.” he said as she heard his footsteps walk across the dark brown wood floors she’d grown accustomed to. She felt his presence too close to her and she sucked in a breath.

“I should probably go then.” “It almost feels like you want things to end, and that you’re leaving.” he said bitterly. “That’s where you’re wrong!” she shot back, letting go of the knob and turning around. “How so?” he said. He didn’t realize how fucked up this situation was, or maybe he just didn’t want to believe it. “You haven’t gave me an ounce of your time since I’ve came back to Bobby’s and it’s like you brush of my presence every time I’m with you. I don’t know what your problem is, but it seems you most definitely wanted things to end and it’s easier just to say that then play games with me.” she said, raising her voice and squeezing her hands into fists.

He stood there, watching her with his flashy green eyes and his arms folded across his chest. “C’mon Princess, you know that’s not true.” “Don’t call me princess.” “Elizabeth, you’re overreacting, just calm down.” It was the first time in months he said her full name which meant he finally realized he really fucked up this time. “I’m not overreacting, I’m done.” she semi-shouted and turned back around and went to open the door when he grabbed her wrist. “Don’t leave me like Sam did.” He whispered. If she looked in his eyes, she could see tears forming, but she avoided making any eye contact. She pulled herself free from his grip and gave him one last glare.

“Bye, Dean.” He tried calling her every day for the next month, leaving voicemails and text messages, before he eventually gave up and left her alone. After that she moved back in with her grandmother and went to college. She tried to forget about her so called ‘old life’, the life she had when she was living with the Winchester family, but how can you try to live a normal life when you know there is nothing normal about it? When you know about all the things that bump in the night? Liz had seen it all. From ghouls to vampires to wendigo’s. It was all real, and she tried to live a normal, apple-pie life.

That was a total lie, even after she went to college she was still hunting. Nothing big, small cases around her campus and her hometown. Ghosts usually, nothing she couldn’t handle alone. If something bigger, like a nasty demon or crazy rugaru, she’d call Bobby. Bobby Singer was an old man who basically adopted the Winchester boys and even her when her parents died and her grandmother couldn’t take care of her anymore when she was younger. He’d help her out. But it was their secret, he promised he wouldn’t tell Dean or John how she was or where she was.

It was summer break, meaning she could finally leave her college for a good six weeks and move back in with her grandmother. She decided to paint the walls of her old room, giving it a fresh, new look. She looked at the walls she painted red and nodded. She put the lit back on the paint and threw the brush on the sheets before walking downstairs, just in time to see her grandmother struggling to stand up.

She walked over and helped her. “Thought you needed a hand.” Liz said. “Where ya need to go?” she asked. “The kitchen table.” Her granny said and Liz helped her. “I still think you should buy a walker.” Liz said. “You know I’m too stubborn for that. Wait ‘till I break my hip.”  She snorted.

“I found you a case, by the way.” Her grandma said when Liz helped her sit down. Liz frowned. “You found me a case?” She repeated and her grandma nodded. “Yeah, Jericho. Not far from here.”

Liz watched her grandma reaching for the newspaper and gave it her. She looked at the circled article. “Boy went missing. He isn’t the first one. Thought you might like it. It’s better than being stuck with me for six weeks.” She said. A smile formed on her wrinkled face. Liz took a moment to read the article before nodding. “Yeah, sure. Sounds like a case. I’ll look into it.”

And after a night full of research, she decided to check it out.

Pilot

It was around 2am when she arrived at the Sylvania bridge in Jericho. It wasn’t a long ride, Jericho was about 30 minutes from Santa Ana, where her grandma lived, she just wanted to make sure this was really a case and needed to be prepared for whatever she walked into.

She found an article about a woman who lost both her children in a freaky bathtub accident, and then thrown herself off the bridge. So, this seemed like as good a lead as any. Elizabeth parked her car and started walking along the bridge, looking for answers. It was cold, and at this point she’d wished she’d stayed with her grandma, instead of going on a hunt blind, but whatever. It was a good waste of time. She was totally off guard when a woman in a white dress suddenly appeared in front of her. Before Liz could even lift her arm to grab her gun, the lady in white already threw her over the side of the bridge.

A small scream escaped her mouth, before landing in the ice cold water. Thanks to a huge area of mud and slop that broke her fall, she didn’t break anything. She spit out some of the mud in her mouth. “Yeah, that wasn’t a smart move.” She said to herself and pulled herself up, and that was when she heard voices on the bridge, it sounded like two men having an argument. Fantastic, if the spirit just threw her of a bridge, she can only imagine what it would do to some screaming idiots.

Elizabeth stood there for a moment, not moving and eavesdropping on the men, instead of making herself known. “Don’t talk about her like that!” the one man seethed at the other. Some more inaudible worlds, followed by the revving of an engine and one man asking “Who’s driving your car?”

Oh shit.

She looked up to see the two men jump from the bridge, one of them catching himself on the side of the bridge, the other landing not far from her. Liz grabbed her gun from her back and glanced over at the man, who was covered in mud and god knows what else, just like herself.

That was when she saw the unmistakable green eyes. “Dean?” Dean stared at her for a moment, before he realized that she was really there and not some hallucination. “Elizabeth?” he said with a quivering voice. “The one and only.” She said.

Was this really how their first conversation after two years would be? Covered in mud and sarcastic comments? Dean pulled himself up and grabbed her shoulders. “Are you okay? What are you doing down here? Are you hurt?” he asked worried, checking her skin for any injuries. “I’m fine. I was on a hunt. What are you doing here?” she asked, crossing her arms.

“Looking for dad. It’s a long story. You went hunting, alone? Bobby told me you’d quit hunting! Are you insane?” Dean asked. He sounded like my dad. “Jee, Dean, nice to see you too.” She rolled her eyes. Then, she heard a voice coming from the bridge. “Dean? Dean!”

Elizabeth looked up, recognizing that voice immediately. “Is that Sam?” she asked. Dean nodded. “Yeah. As I said, it’s a long story.”

“Hey! Are you alright?” Sam shouted again. Dean lifted up his arm and gave him an A-OK sign. “I’m super. Actually, I’m fantastic. You’ll never guess who I found down here!” he yelled back.

Part 2

[insert-witty-comment]

Hello everyone.Last time on Hawkins Book Club, we learned what synchronicity actually is, time-traveling Neo-Nazis are sticklers for freshly cut grass, there was once a guy who flew around the US in a flying saucer with eight women to look for gold, the KKK uses magick, MK-Ultra actually was connected to Montauk, why the Demogorgon was attracted to Eleven, JFK’s brother liked to trip out on LSD with Nazi rapists, skinheads are actually kind, experienced aura-readers, Mark Hamill is literally the reincarnation of an alien from another universe, the Star Wars films are documentaries, there were Hitler-clones in existence, the Third Reich tried to access the Upside-Down (meaning that we could have had Stranger Things be about the Demogorgon murdering SS Stormtroopers and Hitler clones), Cthulhu and the Elder Gods are real, there could be a whole bunch of UFO-flying Nazis camped out in Antarctica and inside the Earth, George Bush’s dad was insane and there might be a good chance that Brenner is Eleven’s father.First of all, I would like to apologize for not updating this little review column thing last week. There wasn’t an E-book version of this book available, so I had to order a physical copy from a rather… um…. let’s just say “colorful” individual in Wisconsin. To my surprise, when it finally got here I discovered that it was signed by the author himself, so that’s a neat bonus. Speaking of which, the primary author of 1998’s Montauk: The Alien Connection is a new member to the Montauk Party; a guy named Stewart Swerdlow. Without further ado, let’s reconvene the Book Club and jump in.Our old friend Peter Moon writes the Introduction. Here he states that our education system has lied about the nature of space and time.“The biggest secret of time and space that has been unlocked is that these very components of our physicality can be manipulated. This is still a novel idea to conventional scientists, scholars and news media who are manipulated from birth. Manipulation of consciousness comes under the heading of ‘mind control,’ a subject which has never been fully embraced by major media.”Jesus Christ Moon, just let it go. I can’t believe that he’s STILL bitter over being blocked from television. Anyway, he says that mind control is integral to understanding space and time.“The human brain is actually a perfect computer which is fully capable of serving as a tool for cosmic enlightenment to its host. The problem is that this response in mankind has been short-circuited due to any number of various factors. These could include aliens, ancient priesthoods, religious indoctrination, youth groups and the CIA’s documented mind control project known as MK-Ultra. MK-Ultra was a 20th century ‘modernization’ of ancient techniques such as those employed by the ancient Assassins, a Middle Eastern cult during the Middle Ages who programmed subjects to kill through the use of hashish.”I’m starting to think that Ubisoft should be cutting this guy a check too. Anyway, Moon then goes on to claim that not only do truth serum drugs force people to spill their secrets, they also “can be used to tap the collective unconscious”, meaning that someone injected with them would suddenly have omnipotent knowledge about the entire universe… somehow. Moon suggests that we start asking people injected with truth serum about God, evolution “and the very nature of reality” because of this. He also touches on the head of MK-Ultra, Dr. Ewen Cameron and the LSD experiments, interestingly enough. He also states that Preston Nichols now believes that there were “Montauk Girls” in addition to the Boys and that there are literally hundreds of these programmed people all over Long Island. This leads into Moon introducing Stewart Swerdlow, the guy who was given the pseudo name of “Stan Campbell” in Montauk Revisited. You may remember him as the guy who shot Jesus in the face. Regardless, Duncan Cameron helpfully chimes in to say that this guy is an even more powerful psychic than he is. I didn’t know there was a sliding scale of psychic powers, but whatever.Chapter 1 talks about the 1943 Philadelphia Experiment which I’m sure you’re quite familiar with by this point, but it comes with a twist. It focuses on a Nazi named Johannes von Gruber. Why is he there? Well it turns out the Nazis were helping out the Americans with their teleportation.“Such an accomplishment would eliminate war on Earth because whoever controlled this technology would be invincible. The major governments of the world – the United States, Germany, Britain, Russian, and France – would then band together to eliminate the lesser powers and races of the Earth. They planned to beam vast conquering armies anywhere in the universe they desired. The new world government rule the known universe! For this the Reich was willing to unite with the United States. Because of the contacts that the Reich had with a certain group of ‘visitors,’ the United States was also willing to lay aside ideological differences. Each side believed that it would eventually control the entire plan.”………………………………………………………………………………There are so many things wrong with this paragraph alone that it would take an entire post just to point them all out. So I’m going to just move on.Anyway, the experiment actually starts and the shit immediately hits the fan; equipment starts sparking, men start falling overboard, people literally start melting into the floor. So von Gruber decides to jump overboard himself. He woke up at Montauk in 1960 and was immediately accosted by an American military officer and two grey aliens. They strapped him to a chair, gave him a brief update on how that whole “World War II” thing panned out, and another alien came in, tried to comfort him, and then immediately electroshocked him to death. He then rocketed up toward Heaven, complete with angelic guides (because I guess Heaven allows Nazis in now). He then experienced a life review,“Then he was told that he had to complete something on Earth. He was shown a woman in labor in a brand new hospital. The next thing he knew, he was inside a tube of light heading toward her.”Oh God, please tell me this isn’t going where I think its going.But of course, my prayers go unanswered. So cut to a woman named Eleanor giving birth to the author, Stewart Swerdlow. In an interesting synchronicity with Stranger Things, this guy was born on November 5th, 1956.Yes, you read that right, 1956.Somehow, the aliens or angels or whatever sent the Nazi back four years from 1960 to be reborn. No, that doesn’t make any sense, and I’m not going to even try to explain it. So while you’re trying to wrap your head around that, Swerdlow then claims that Yakov Sverdlov was his great-uncle. So how does the first Chairman of the Soviet Union relate to a reincarnated Nazi in the body of an American kid? Well, his grandfather helped form the Communist Party in America and his father worked on military projects in the Southwest. His mother was the daughter of a Gypsy in central Europe who had this experience;“When my grandmother was a little girl in Austria, she was playing outside with two cousins when she glanced up and saw the image of a man who looked exactly like the Jack of Spades in playing cards. Quickly, she told her cousins to look up at it. Immediately, they fell dead to the ground.”Way to go Grandma.“Shortly after that incident, my grandmother was sent to America to live with relatives. Amazingly, nearly a century later, I was involved with a group of government related individuals who were trying to understand the meaning of a message from hyperspace. Beamed from outside the Earth, the message was an image of a being who resembled the Jack of Spades!”Hey aliens, next time can you try making a message that doesn’t kill little girls? And maybe one that actually makes sense? Anyway, the rest of the chapter is just Swerdlow’s turn to recount his shitty childhood, and it’s somehow even worse than that of Nichols and Moon. First off, he said that he saw the spirits of the dead all over the place, there was a constant ringing in his ears, colors “flashed in his eyes” and he had glimpses of the future events that always came to pass. He was constantly frightened and suffering from nightmares. In addition;“Although brilliant in school, I found it slow-paced and boring. Usually I stayed home pretending to be sick, entertaining myself with psychic and mental games. Practically friendless, I found people my own age to be childish and stupid. Instead I preferred the company of the adults, particularly the elderly. For some reason, I enjoyed hearing stories about the old days, especially the 1930’s and 1940’s. I loved watching war movies, but I was ashamed to tell anyone that I always privately cheered for the Germans because my background is Jewish. Interestingly enough, I also cheered for Indians in Western movies.”So I guess this poor boy was still being influenced by his past fanatical beliefs and memories from his time as a loyal officer of the Nazi Party who was also psychic who could see the future, dead people, auras and “mind-patterns”. This seems like something that Stephen King would write, and to be honest I would probably read it. It got even worse for the poor kid as he was constantly being abducted by aliens and exposed to painful experiments by them.Chapter 3 describes one such abduction he experienced when he was six. So the aliens took young Stewart on a quick tour around the world and then brought him to an alien fleet and a council of aliens. Here, a giant butterfly telepathically explains that its species used its DNA to create Earth’s butterflies which are used to “monitor magnetism and know how to adjust it so that it has a beneficial effect on the environment (yes, really). Moths were created as a negative aspect of this by the “dark side.” The butterfly also explains that its species hitchhikes with humanoid aliens in order to populate other worlds and to adopt humanoid “spiritual students”, one of which was Stewart.“Finally, it said that it was time for me to communicate with the other beings, but it wanted me to know that for the rest of my stay on Earth, it would send Monarch butterflies to greet and comfort me. Whenever I saw a white butterfly at an opportune moment, there was a message for me. As the grand butterfly communicated with me, pulsating glows emanated from its beautiful wings.”Next time I see a butterfly, I’m crushing it to fend off these aliens. Stewart is then approached by a big white praying mantis which scares the hell out of him, and a fish person who states that humans had “marine origins”. He then passes out and re awakens in a chair surrounded by more aliens. First a lizard person explains that he is a defector of a massive empire trying to take over the galaxy. He states that thousands of years ago his people came to Earth in a ship that is now the moon. Another ship would come before the end of this century and reawaken the army currently in stasis underground after being defeated by the “Lyraen Empire”. These “reptilians” also maintain bases on Venus and other moons, reproduce mostly by cloning and state that Stewart will eventually convert them to “the Light” because his soul was already an emissary to them long ago. Next up is an alien literally described as looking like the Creature from the Black Lagoon. He claims that his people were the original inhabitants of Earth but were devastated by humans and aliens. However, pockets of them still exist in the deepest parts of the oceans, and they worked as liaisons between the Atlanteans and the whales and dolphins. Apparently these sea mammals are advanced races from another galaxy. I don’t know how advanced they could be if they are so easily hunted down by Japanese whalers, but whatever. Anyway, the Gill-men were transported to Neptune by other aliens.“Continuing, he told me that I have dolphin DNA; therefore, I could learn to communicate with his species in order to help mankind and the dolphin/whale systems.”Oh, so I guess Swerdlow will be the one giving us the heads up when the Vogons get ready to demolish Earth. Next, a Thin Man introduces himself as a representative of “the Federation of Planets”, which is composed of 120 member civilizations, and that they’ll let Earth join if we successfully fend off an invasion by the reptilian empire by ourselves. So I guess their membership requirements are a tad bit more stringent than the UN. He also explains that all of the alien races were speaking to young Stewart because they all contributed DNA to his creation, which his “soul-personality” already agreed to and traveled to other galaxies and alternate universes as training, and that there would be further conditioning in his new life. Seeing as how Stewart is getting all of this dumped on him at the tender age of six, he responds by vomiting all over the alien ambassadors (seriously). This didn’t really seem to faze them as a grey alien then steps over the puddle of vomit to inform the terrified boy that they will be regularly abducting him to check on him, because his body contained chemicals that the greys needed. He also informed Stewart that if his mission fails, then the other alien races would probably fight amongst themselves and bring their war to Earth. Again, Stewart was six when they told him this. At the same age you were worrying about your first day of Kindergarten, this kid was being told that if he screwed up, he would kick off an intergalactic war.So you know, no pressure!So then a Ethereal) identifies himself as a Sirian and tells him that the Sirians created the Egyptian civilization and gave the Torah to the Jewish people. They also created the Crystal Skull, so I guess this means that yes, there actually is a reason for aliens to exist in the Indiana Jones movies. They also possesses the most advanced technology in the universe and intentionally create conflict between the various races to foster evolution. Also, Stewart’s “soul-personality” came from them, so he’s simultaneously both a reincarnated alien and a Nazi. This particular Sirian said that his and the poor boy’s soul-personalities were linked, and he would serve as a guide. As Stewart got older, more memories of his past lives would emerge, and when his “alternate selves come together”, his mission would begin. Stewart was then unceremoniously dumped back in his bed, where he understandably woke up screaming in terror.After this, Stewart would have nightmares about the incident and began developing his psychic abilities. Some strange force compelled him to watch literally everything in the science-fiction genre and read about space travel.“My frustration grew as I realized that there was absolutely no one on the face of the Earth with whom I could converse. Invariably, I wanted to speak about my knowledge of what lay beyond physical reality but was afraid of others’ reactions. In those days (the late 50’s and 60’s), UFOs were still considered to be from the land of the mentally ill.”You know, as opposed to now where they’re accepted as scientific fact. When he got older, he started getting abducted almost every night to be instructed about “physical reality”, time travel and other topics. He woke up extremely exhausted the next morning each time. Because of this, in school he excelled in everything, but was bored and had no patience for other kids and people in general. One day when he was eleven, he was abducted by three greys and taken to a small room with a screen showing a conveyor belt. The aliens telepathically told him to watch pictures appearing on the screen and meat slices corresponding to them and asked to determine if he would eat it or not. This test went on for a bit with all sorts of creatures appearing on screen, and every time he would answer “yes” to something, the taste of it would appear in his mouth. He eventually got incredibly sick because of this and the aliens dumped him back in his bed, pissed because he didn’t finish the test. Stewart was disturbed as he realized that the aliens would have had to kill all of those creatures to get the meat, and one of the pictures was of a man.Chapter 4 talks about his teenage years. His family moved from Brooklyn to Suffolk County Long Island (My home county) and the abductions increased, but in an astral form. He frequently woke up naked in a large room on a bench with a group of other humans and they were educated on their roles as soldiers for the aliens. When Stewart was thirteen, he started “dreaming” about being abducted to a government facility where he was chased by military personnel. When he woke up, he would always see “the face of a blond man surrounded by red light” laughing at him from his bedroom window. He felt like the man was related to him. Also at this point he started undergoing some horrifying examinations by the greys, which are so fucking disgusting that I will not be retyping them here.At this point, he started having a “deep longing for children” and felt that he was a father who missed his kids. This feeling was confirmed when at seventeen he woke up strapped to chair (fully clothed instead of naked for once) and was approached by a grey and a “blond alien”, while two humans in military uniforms watched. He was shown a baby girl that was a hybrid between a human and grey, and was informed that she was his child cobbled together from his genetics. In fact, he fathered multiple children; some of which died and the others were taken to a “safe world”. He was shown this child because the aliens wanted to see if he would form a bond. He did, so the aliens kicked him back to Earth. After this he had the uncontrollable urge to heavily exercise and keep his body in peak condition. The aliens also put in a chip in his eyes that turned them into cameras and gave the aliens some control over where the eyes were directed, which in turned messed with his eyesight. They also started broadcasting his thoughts and past memories onto a screen in order to determine what his future would look like based on his “mind-patterns” during their abductions. The chapter closes out with Swerdlow revealing that the aliens started dumping him in Camp Hero at Montauk.Chapter 5 describes what he did there. It turns out he was dumped there since he was a prepubescent child, during which he was strapped to a table where he was “examined, mentally scanned for my brainwave signature or sexually abused in ways that stored my energetics and magnified them by computer. This went on until puberty.” Seeing as how he only tried to escape once and survived the testing, he was “promoted” by being placed in charge of the younger boys.“The preparation of the children included teaching them to implicitly obey orders, without any questions whatsoever. I taught them how to mentally focus on command so that their bodily energies could be removed by the psychic/mentalist to whom they were assigned. I instructed them on how to know what colors and symbols to mentally use to facilitate any given experiment. They were also taught how to relinquish their bodies and allow themselves to die without the innate defensive reaction of resistance inherent to all living beings.”This is horrifying. He also explains that there’s a difference between psychics and mentalists; the former can only read minds, but the latter can manipulate them. The kids were used to boost the energy of both types of people. The best subjects for this were in the three to twelve age range because their minds were “pure and uncontaminated”. However, their fear led to “scattered and disjointed energy outputs” that were useless to the scientists. And if that wasn’t bad enough, they were sexually abused by various project workers. You’d think the people running this place would prevent the pedos from having access to them because all of this drove many of the kids insane, and so they had to be “terminated”. So instead of giving the kids painless lethal injections, the scientists instead inexplicably shoved them into small chambers were they starved to death, and their bodies were dumped in the ocean. This just seems so unnecessarily evil and inefficient as hell. However, some of the staff would occasionally “adopt” a boy by reprogramming his memories and changing some of his physical features.Some of these boys were the children of politicians or military leaders who were abducted from their beds. They were treated differently from the other kids, and were always returned home, but not before getting implants placed in their eyes and programmed to fulfill unique tasks, which always included “tagging” other boys for use in the Project.The majority of the “expendable common boys” were taken from outside of New York, to alleviate suspicion over the disappearances. They came from all over the country.“Taken from families where they would not be missed as much as others, they were the children of prostitutes, drug addicts, and alcoholics, or they came from poor rural families with many children.��Holy shit, Monty Python was right too!Anyway, if for some strange reason the parents didn’t want to give their son up to bunch of sadistic aliens and Neo-Nazis, then Project people would arrange for an accident, ranging from cars driving into a river to house fires to full on natural disasters to fake the kid’s death. They also grabbed runaways off the street.In addition to the kids, they also grabbed a bunch of homeless people as well to travel through time and space. This tended to be a bit hit-and-miss as many of these people were lost in transit. So if someone did get through, they set up receivers to make transit easier by acquiring “vibrations”. These pathways were opened up by Duncan Cameron, and the Project people literally harnessed the kids’ imagination to boost his powers. When a boy “burned out” from being a living battery, they were exposed to a “fear program” that kicked their adrenaline into overdrive, which got a bit more energy out of them until they either died, went insane, or both. After that, their bodies were handed over to the greys, who proceeded to extract their organs and body fluids into large vats, in which they swam around in like the universe’s most fucked up pool to extract nutrients. Before humans just started handing over kids to them, Swerdlow claims that the aliens created vampires and chupacabras to extract nutrients for them. Occasionally reptilians would show up to watch the mind control experiments. Of course, Swerdlow feels completely awful over his role in all of this and is still plagued by guilt.Chapters 6-8 describe his travels around the Middle East. But first, he described how he hated with a passion, yet studied accounting because he was programmed to do so to help manage the Montauk boys. Also, he nearly died after being injected with sodium pentathol during a wisdom tooth removal. He believes this was because the anesthesia is used in truth serum as well.So he was “compelled” to take an overseas trip “sponsored by a Zionist organization that sought to bring volunteers to Israel and promote colonization of the arid land there.” Essentially, he was going to work on a communist farm called a “kibbutz”. On the way there, he stopped in Italy where the volcano at Pompeii unlocked some his memories of a past life, and a “French woman with Italian citizenship” randomly decided to try and convince him to become a medical doctor and marry her daughter, as one does. When he arrived in Tel Aviv, he was overcome with emotion, but found himself starting at departure board for Teheran, Iran for nearly an hour. He was then compelled to look at departure boards for Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, Nairobi, Kenya and Johannesburg, South Africa until his kind-of-an-asshole program companion got his attention. They waited with three women for a while until a guy came to pick them up. He drove them to Jerusalem where the women were dropped off at a youth hostel and Swerdlow and his companion were dumped at an old, empty British army barracks, where they told to sleep in a cell. When Swerdlow fell asleep, he woke up back at the airport, boarding a plane to Teheran. What follows is a series of flashes in which Swerdlow finds himself in a cave, more naked examinations, a “hyperspace subway system that circled the globe”, a shitty Nairobi bathroom, more examinations and a Sirian who told Swerdlow that he was an ambassador to the Israelis as their ally. Finally, he woke up back in Jerusalem.The next day, a van drove him and his companion to a poor kibbutz called Gvar Am in the Gaza Strip. The trip there was awful, because in Swerdlow’s own words; “Israelis do not drive their cars, they aim them.” He slept in a crappy house and worked in pear groves until the afternoon, “but not before some of the Scottish volunteers became exhausted and passed out from the heat.” He also made a friend with a British guy, whom he later found was an agent for both British and Soviet intelligence. How that’s supposed to work, I have no idea. Regardless, Swerdlow then decides to go meet some relatives in the town of Holon. His bus driver dropped him off, but he had no idea where his relatives actually live, so he wandered around until he literally stumbled into the house of the husband of his grandmother’s cousin.Chapter 8 describes how while wandering the Negev desert, Swerdlow was abducted by the Sirians. They told him that the Hebrews were created by them, and that they were currently trying to “purify” the modern Israelis by altering their mind-patterns. They examined him yet again and showed him his true identity. He was then taken to Mars, where he saw a large group of human men shackled together and digging with shovels. A Rigel alien explained to them that seeing as how they fulfilled their service on Earth and Mars, they would be examined for transportation to Rigel. If they failed the examination, they would be “eliminated.” This whole event was apparently orchestrated just for Swerdlow. He was then taken to the Sirians home world of Khoom, a frozen and snowy world devastated by an ancient war. Here, nine beings called “the Ohalu Council” inform him that he originally sent his soul-personality to Earth and that there were nine other people on Earth like him, each directed by a council member. They remind him of the upcoming war with the reptilian Draco and reveal that just like the CIA in Afghanistan, they also gave weapons to the Draco, who proceeded to use the weapons against them. Swerdlow also discovered that the Ark of the Covenant was actually a communication device between the Sirians and the Hebrews. The Sirians then dumped him back in the desert, three days after he left.“I believe that the Sirians are trying to undermine the plans of all factions involved on Earth; the New World Order, the Draco, the Greys, the Tall Blonds, etc. Their agenda is to bring all events to a climax, then usurp all power, possibly via the Israelis. This is only speculation on my part. Time will tell.”I’m sure it will. Chapter 9 discusses his return to the U.S. Here he reveals that as a young man one of the experiments he was a part of was “The Marriage Project”, which was designed to mate the Montauk boys with specific girls to produce specific children. So the twenty-two year old Swerdlow was matched with a fourteen year old Mia from Massachusetts who “was part of my own frequency”, because their soul-personalities were once one and split off long ago. They then proceeded to have sex while a literal crowd of people watched. Two years later, this happened;“One evening, when Mia was sixteen and I was twenty-four, we were brought together in a clinical environment under the watchful eyes of scientists. Here it was explained that our genetics were perfectly aligned with sequences that were reciprocal to one another. Mia had more Pleiadian genetics; mine were Sirian. This combination would produce a child of unusual abilities. Brought naked into a white room, we made love three times in succession. The entire episode was dreamlike and almost a blur. At the end, I knew inside of myself that Mia was pregnant.”This is so fucked up.So this produced a girl named Jaime, which Swerdlow was prevented from seeing in order to “avoid contamination of her mind-patterns”. She can see the future and “all possible alternate realities”, but at the time of the time of the writing, she was a teenager who didn’t know about her potential. Swerdlow is currently trying to guide her, while she understandably tries to avoid him.Chapter 10 describes how Swerdlow got a job as an internal auditor with a pharmaceutical company. Somewhat hilariously, he actually starts complaining that he has to get up for work in the morning during one of his abductions. During this, his captors tell him that his “marriage” with Mia was over, and that he should go out and live a “conventional life”. So he met with a secretary in the company named Michele, who he detested because she was “nasty and opinionated” with a short temper. However, they were both mind-controlled to marry each other after only a month. They also aborted a child they produced because Michele “did not want to look pregnant when she walked down the aisle.” Swerdlow is sad that he didn’t stop her, and gives the “truth” about abortion;“I now believe that abortion is wrong unless the mother’s life is in danger or the pregnancy is the result of rape. I also understand that the soul-personality does not enter into the body until the first breath, but it is that soul-personality, and no one else, that must decide whether or not to continue the life-stream. People who do not want children should take the proper precautions before the pregnancy, not destroy a possible life-stream after it is created. Although this may sound fundamentalist to some, it is what I know to be the proper way.”Ah, so it shouldn’t being the choice of the mother, the father or the government as to whether a fetus should be aborted, but the choice of the fetus itself, of course!This book.The two had more fights after this and wanted to call off the wedding, but Swerdlow received a telepathic message saying that the marriage would not be permanent, Swerdlow already agreed to it, and “This woman had agreed to be the vessel for the entry of my children into the physical plane.” I have no idea why Michele agreed to marry him, but they did marry and moved to Patchogue, Long Island.Chapter 11 talks about the strange events that occurred at their house. For whatever reason, they usually happened when Swerdlow’s in-laws were staying over. Their house was broken into, but only things that had little value were stolen, they were constantly hearing footsteps in their house, young children tried to break into the house (which he responded to by setting up a six-foot tall fence and alarm system), he saw shadowy figures in the house, the abductions continued and a wire was shoved into his penis, two disembodied robot heads had a conversation over his bed, you know, the usual. He also describes how during one of his abductions a human/grey hybrid young girl was shown to him, and he was told that she was his daughter. His house was also “attacked” several times by black military helicopters that didn’t really do much other than mess with the electronics and radios in the house. His wife was also having dreams of abductions as well, during which she was checked for pregnancy. Every time she had this dream, she became pregnant soon after.This brings us to Chapter 12, which is about Swerdlow’s children, all of whom were delivered via Caesarean-section. The first, Matthew was born in 1983 and was constantly crying, and his parents both had dreams of him being abducted. A couple of months after his birth, Swerdlow was informed during an abduction that his children were “not under my jurisdiction” because they were part of the experiments, and he would have to hand them over. Swerdlow actually grows some balls for once and tells them to fuck off. However, by the time Matthew was seven, he began talking about how a tall, red-eyed man dressed in black came into his room at night and telepathically said that he came from the underground, and that Matthew came from the underground as well, and that his parents were being monitored. Matthew described to his father about how there were cities underground and was able to describe a relay system. He was also abducted by grey aliens, who handed him a space bazooka and told him that he would use it in that upcoming intergalactic war, and that he would get dragged into the same genetic experiments as his dad. Swerdlow also reveals that Matthew was the only kid who inherited his psychic abilities. His second son, Jeremy is probably the most normal person in the entire family, the only strange thing that happened to him was that a grey alien would occasionally come into his room at night and take some of his toys.Next came Daniel. During the pregnancy, the doctor informed his parents that he may be born with Down’s Syndrome. After that, Swerdlow had an abduction during which this happened;“A female grey came into the room holding a small bundle. No one told me that she was female. I simply knew that ‘it’ was a she. As she approached, a male voice said that she wanted to show me something. Slowly unwrapping the top of the blanket, the female revealed an adorable blond-haired baby. The male voice said that it was mine, and asked if I wanted to hold it. Replying that I did, the female started to unwrap the whole baby, revealing an octopus-like torso with legs instead of a human body. Screaming and crying at the same time, I told them to take it away. The same voice said that it was going to an aquatic world and that I would never see it again. Waking up in my bed, I prayed with all my might that Danny would be a normal child. I cannot describe my relief when the doctor called with the positive test results.”So Swerdlow essentially disowned one of his children just because it looked like a complete abomination against God. What a dick.“When Danny started to talk, he told me about a man with a clown face who came into his room at night to take him flying. He said that when the man put a magic wand in the middle of his forehead, they immediately were in a place that had balloon lights of different colors.”So underground inhabitants, aliens, clowns with magical powers, balloons…..…Are the Swerdlow kids getting stalked by Pennywise?)Anyway, the clown took Daniel to see his “baby sister”, who ended up scratching his face with claws. Also, the kid can talk to angels. Not aliens masquerading as angels, but real, honest-to-God angels who tell him the future. This is just casually tossed in on the last paragraph as an afterthought with no elaboration.Chapters 13-14 are about Swerdlow’s CIA application, which was already covered in Montauk Revisited, so I’ll just breeze through it. He simply answered a “Help Wanted” ad in the newspaper, was told that he would be valuable due to his knowledge of ten languages, was asked a barrage of questions during the events described in Montauk Revisited and was declined by the CIA because he was a security risk.Continued in Part 2 via /r/StrangerThings

[weaselle]

Story Time

Not too long ago, I posted a brief explanation of my siblings ( http://weasowl.tumblr.com/post/177478767230/springdday-ommanyte-does-anyone-genuinely ) I ended that with “Also, my origins are steeped in mystery and my siblings are actually my cousins by blood, but that’s another story.” I wrote out the long story about my mysterious origins and details about my life and experiences, and a computer mishap erased it as though it had never been. Again. I don’t know if it’s something in me or something in the world at this point, but I guess I’m not ready/supposed to tell y’all that much about me. So I’m going to tell you about my Grandmother and her children instead. No pictures or anything this time.

My Grandmother was left-handed and the reason I love cooking and definitely some kind of Being. Her title was The Grandma. She had 4 great grandchildren by the time she died, and so her daughters became Grandma, but she was THE Grandma. She had this way about her, like she was incredibly present, but also paying attention to everything in the whole world. And then sometimes (notably when you fucked up) it was like she pulled her attention off all those things and put the whole thing on you; it was very unsettling. And she had the Voice, which she almost never used. The last time Grandma traveled on an airplane with us, we were going though security and she couldn’t go through the metal detectors because by then she couldn’t get out of the wheelchair for longer than twenty seconds at a time. The TSA agent said she was going to search her or pat her down instead, and reached for my Grandmother. And Grandmother said, in the Voice  “Don’t touch The Grandma” The TSA agent blinked and looked at grandma’s eldest daughter (a celtic witch if ever there was one) who merely shrugged and said “...don’t touch the grandma”. TSAgent hesitated as if about to reach forward and insist, thought better of it, called TSA Supervisor over. TSA Supervisor explained everything to The Grandma - it’s just a quick pat-down, everybody who can’t go through the detectors has it done, they won’t even ask her to stand - and then reached forward to pat down my grandmother “Don’t. Touch. The Grandma” TSA Supervisor’s hands stopped as if hitting glass. She looked confusedly back and forth between the TSA agent and my grandmother for a second, and then the confusion left her face and she stepped aside, looked at the TSA agent and said “Don’t touch the Grandma” and waived us through security. They didn’t even scan the rest of us It’s a shame she couldn’t fly anymore after that, she loved to fly; when K’s son died, she married P, a WW2 B52 crewman who taught her to pilot small planes, and they would fly up and down the coast to any cities they wanted to visit - she knew the West Coast in a way few people do. (note, one of the only things I know about my paternal grandfather, the man who married the Japanese grandmother I’ve never met, is that he was a German soldier...that man’s son joined the US air force, and became my biological father) One morning in the deserts of Nevada a year after P’s death she woke me up and said “get dressed, were going to into town to the casino; P visited me in a dream last night and told me I’d win a video poker jackpot with a royal flush today” and we drove into town so she could spend fifteen minutes playing video poker. I say fifteen minutes, because after fifteen minutes she hit her jackpot with a royal flush in hearts, and we went back home. She used to sit in her chair in her living room with her back to the kitchen wall, and I’d go to leave the kitchen and I’d hear her from the other room “don’t you leave my kitchen mat like that” and I’d look over my shoulder at the mat in front of the sink, and sure enough, it would be all rumpled up; sorry grandma.  Grandma and I shared a birthmark, a red stain I won’t describe fully. And my grandmother and I were both adopted. Let me explain. My Grandmother was adopted by a nice family. And then that family all died, and she was adopted AGAIN. She married an Irish American, a man whose father I am named after: K, who came here from Ireland to work the Alaskan gold rush. She and her husband lived with K a while, and this is a story about that: Every Sunday. great grandpa K would go off on his own for a couple hours to “walk in the woods”. Grandma followed him one day. K walked into the woods, packed a pipe, sat down with his back to a tree, and took a small handful of nuts and seeds and fruits and leaves out of his shirt pocket. He scattered them around. Soon, as if expecting him, several animals came and helped themselves. The squirrels climbed all over him, on his head even. The raccoons sat in his lap. The birds sat on his knees and shoulders and in his beard and peered into his face. The deer checked his jacket for more snacks. After they hung out for about an hour, they all went on their way. Then K smoked his pipe and went home. Grandma and K’s son had 5 kids. One died as a child. The eldest became an ER nurse and a savant witch. She would never admit she is a witch, but there’s a horseshoe over her door (not the front door, mind you, but the door she actually uses) and she’s the one who taught me to always leave a single spider in your house when you clean. She has a natural way with plants and animals -  the deer eat everything but her herb garden, which isn’t even fenced. This year one of them stayed in her backyard for nearly two months raising twins to be big enough to take back to the herd. She recognizes individual squirrels and birds and knows their personalities and habits and things about their families. And of course as an ER and ICU nurse, she’s a hell of a healer.  The youngest was a witch, but sadly neglected, remained immature. Still, she had talents. She could fool people and make them laugh as easy as breathing, like some kind of glamour. Every long line of strangers she ever waited in became a party among friends. Could literally smell if you were lying to her. As in, she’d lean close and take a couple deep sniffs and then be like “Nope. Tell me, where did you really go after school?”  The only brother became a wandering holy man of sorts. Used to hitch-hike around the country in robes stuff with a small, like, cult; then quit them to just grow his own holy experience. He died in his 30s. And the middle sister was my mother. She was double jointed and very dyslexic, and everyone says she was incredibly gifted in many ways. She did intricate artwork in ink, fractal gardens and faux woodgrain that was made of salvador dali faces, stuff like that. She was self taught on the piano, used to just walk up to a piano and play songs she made up on the spot that sounded how she was feeling and little crowds would gather. Made her own exercise equipment. Could pick up an accent within minutes and become semi-conversational in days. When I was two and she was too poor to feed me she taught me how to go around a restaurant to each table and ask super cute if I could try a bite of their food. She had me with a half Japanese guy in the Air Force (he didn’t stick around). Then when I was about three, she sent me to live with her eldest sister, because her life got too, ah, interesting. Like, her partner had a hit put out on them. It wasn’t safe for me. By the time I was six it all caught up with her, and she died in an accident when she jumped out of the passenger side of a car and tried to run away as it stopped at an intersection.  That’s when her eldest sister adopted me. So here I am, same birthmark as my psychic grandmother, orphaned son of a savant creative criminal and a Japanese-American soldier, named after my Irish, gold hoarding, bearded, pipe-smoking beastmaster great-grandsire; raised by a celtic witch, and filled with a burning desire to be instrumental in creating a new and more humane age of humanity, where everybody has more power to live whatever kind of life they want while reenforcing core values of earth-garden stewardship and educated love/care for all. When I reached adulthood, I nearly stopped aging physically (I’m 40, people typically guess between 25 and 30). I’m really good with animals, and I have a unique relationship with Lady Luck. I have all the witch tools, but they’re just what I use in my life - like, I have one nice specially chosen chef’s knife. It’s the knife I use for everything, To me, THAT’s an athame, not some dragon themed chrome thing you put on a shelf and take down to wave around on “holidays”. If it’s really a holiday, and my athame is really a knife, then it’s being used to fillet or dice something for a holiday meal. It is special because I use it to make every meal I cook, and I’d truly feel lost without it. That’s just my personal brand of witching, mind, you do you. I get these weird moods that fill me durring which I can charm almost anyone to help me in almost any way I want, which is actually sort of frightening, but not while it’s happening.  So, clearly, I’m either some kind of changeling and the chosen one, or I should seek professional help