#this is. mostly lighthearted but also sometimes i do genuinely find myself asking them for permission to exist

[sillyfairygarden]

got permission from my friends to exist as the wholly flawed and uncensored version of myself today

[baycitystygian]

well I guess it’s about time I made an about post!

I’ve been on this website for like six years or so and I never really made a proper intro post to my blog, so here’s a couple basics for new friends & visitors just dropping by!

-heather williams, she/her, 25, neurodivergent as fuuuuuck but not officially diagnosed with specifics yet (although I’m almost certain I have autism, there’s a possibility I have ADHD or both? looking into a diagnosis, but definitely ND in general)

my sideblog for my current hyperfixation/crush/hall pass is @heather-willz and it is all Paul Williams all the timeeeee 💕this is not to subtract Paul posts from this blog but rather to add more Paul posts to this beautiful world that allowed this phenomenal composer to flourish (can you tell I’m delirious as I’m typing this)

-if you’re a minor and you like a post of mine, that’s cool- but I post whatever I feel like so be warned, I don’t censor myself and I do have a wide range in my sense of humor so there will probably be adult themes™️ on here so I don’t recommend sticking around- or do so but only at your own risk! I also don’t interact with minors and I’ve always listed my age just in case it matters to someone happening across my blog.

-I generally don’t tag often unless A) I’m talking in the tags or B) it’s a hyperfixation that I want to go back to/keep organized in tags on my blog, if you’re a mutual and there’s anything you’d like me to tag that you filter/blacklist please send me an anon in the ask box letting me know! I’m happy to tag anything that might be an issue but I don’t really know if anything specific is a sensitive topic to a mutual unless they tell me and you can absolutely stay anonymous about it- do not hesitate if there’s any way I can be a better moot ❤️

-big procrastinator and very sporadic on here (even though I generally use this app as my morning paper) so I can take awhile to get to asks & sometimes I forget altogether, sometimes I save them in drafts then forget to check my drafts & I’m very bad about that and I am SO sorry cause it’s genuinely never personal 😅same with messages but I’m not unfriendly, I just have raging executive dysfunction

-I block liberally over political reasons, TERFS are blocked on sight, any blog I happen across that’s said/reblogged something that might generally be upsetting to me and, of course, bots get blocked too- I don’t engage in discourse so if you’re a TERF, right winger, or just a general troll just keep moving along or block me cause I just go right for the block button anyway. any hate has no home here, UNLESS it’s hate for bigots or cops ✨

-I check blogs of people I follow but I don’t necessarily check OP’s so if I’ve accidentally reblogged something from a shitty person (“OP is a terf,” etc) just slide in the ask hole and let me know cause the odds are almost 100% that I’m unaware

-I am a continually broke ass bitch that feels guilty every time I see a donation post and I feel awful every time I don’t donate because I literally cannot keep my own shit together. As a result I generally don’t reblog donation posts or any call-to-action posts, partially also because my blog is really for my own entertainment and I use tumblr as a lighthearted escape from the world. which has become increasingly difficult as of late but I still want to keep my blog as just fun posts or anything I find useful. I do care, a lot in fact… but it’s complicated.

-I don’t post original posts terribly often, mostly just reblog anything that tickles my fancy but vintage fashion/shows/music and rocks are my big ones on here. most original posts are just top-of-my-head nonsense or stuff I’m hyperfixating on

-if you’re a fan of Paul Williams, Barenaked Ladies, Bucks Fizz, Bay City Rollers/Rabbitt, Flo & Eddie, Howard Jones, Bowling For Soup, Wings (the TV sitcom but I’m also a Paul McCartney & Wings encyclopedia if that’s more your speed), Phantom of the Paradise, or Caroline In The City, those are all recent-ish interests of mine that have almost NO fandom so like. you’re automatically my friend now if you like any of those 😂

…I think that about covers everything I wanted to say, so sit back, relax, and have fun in my hodgepodge of a social media home ✨

[cicissketchbook]

Y’all wanna read my Apritello story?

So sometimes when my artistic drive is down, the writing bug will come bite me. I’ve been working on an Apritello story for awhile that currently has three chapters that are up on my Patreon. Eventually I’ll post it publicly, but I want my patrons to have early access. Anyway here’s an excerpt from the first chapter.

It’s kind of angsty.

The summary is, April invites Donnie to join her for a long weekend at the farmhouse, which sounds romantic until you consider that she’s been plagued with visions of his accidental death and is desperate to stop it from happening.

To say there was tension in the air was a drastic understatement. Truthfully, things had been tense for a while. Blame it on cabin fever, or perhaps they were outgrowing their sewer lair, but the brothers had been quick to jump down each other’s throats. 

Leo was especially on edge, and not unlike how it had been since they were kids, his mood had set the tone for everyone else. One thing that differed from childhood though, was that he had been butting heads with Donnie, while Raph remained a mostly neutral third party. 

There was the knowledge that they were getting older and they all had desires to get out there and live their own lives, and then the realization that doing so wasn’t really possible for them in the world they lived in. They wanted what any young adults would want, but they were mutants.  The world still saw them as freaks. They couldn’t lead normal lives the way they wanted to. They knew this, they had known this all their lives. They had all been on the same page about it. They realized that living their lives in the sewer, at least most of it, was probably in the cards. April had always contested this idea, believing that the world would accept them in time. It’s not like people didn’t know mutants existed, but the turtles weren’t willing to take the risk. It’s not like they couldn’t go out and do things like they always had, but leaving the nest for good just wasn’t feasible. And they were content with this. The sewer was all they’d ever known. They’d always been together and they were happy to always be together. 

But like all families, arguments were inevitable. Familiarity breeds contempt, after all. And they were accustom to bickering. But… it was different now. Leo seemed ready to explode at the drop of a pen, Raph never seemed to be able to find enough alone time, Donnie felt like he brought more to the table than the other three combined, and Mikey… sweet Mikey was such an incurable optimist that he sought to find the positive in every situation, but they knew he did this to mask his depression.  

If asked what they were arguing about today, the simple answer would be that they were all just getting on each other’s nerves. Donnie couldn’t even remember how the argument started because they fought about trivial things so frequently, but he remembered the thing that Leo said that set him off.

“God, why is it so hard for you to just do your part? Why do we have to pick up your slack?”

Donnie was silent for a moment, almost unsure he’d heard correctly. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me, you never fucking help out with anything!” Leo’s tone implied that there was something else he was upset about that he wasn’t speaking of. 

Donnie, by his best effort, kept his voice calm and composed. “I’m sorry, are you referring to three days ago when I didn’t help clean up the disaster in the kitchen because I was literally putting the microwave back together? Or perhaps last week when you left a mess for me to clean up that you all made while I wasn’t even here? And then you got mad when I didn’t?”

Leo seemed to get more aggravated at the mention of Donnie not being there, but continued on. “C’mon man, there are four of us that live here, it’s really not asking too much for everyone to help clean up around here.” 

“Dude, I clean up after myself more than anyone. The difference is, when I make a mess, it’s in my lab rather than communal space and-“

“Oh, right, I forgot. The huge space you have that’s your’s. That none of us have.” Leo turned to their other brothers who sat near by. “Hey Raph, other than your tiny bedroom, do you have your own creative space that you can do whatever you want in? Mikey, how about you?”

Raph hadn’t spoken, but seemed invested in the exchange his brothers were having. It was impossible to tell who’s side he was on. Before Mikey could speak, Raph stopped him and said firmly, “Leave us out of this, man.”

“So now your mad at me… because of my lab?”

Leo paused, not making eye contact, before he huffed. “No.” He admitted quietly.

Normally, Donnie was used to these arguments making little or no sense, but Leo seemed genuinely angry and he couldn’t understand why. 

“Bro, what is up?” He demanded. “Why are you actually so upset?”

“I just…” Leo started. Donnie could tell there was something he didn’t want to say. Leo crossed his arms and turned away from his brother. “I just want to know… where your priorities are.”

“My priorities?” Donnie was trying not to lose his patience. He had no idea where this was coming from nor where it was going. Which meant one of two things. Either there was something his brother wasn’t telling him, or this was in fact going no where. Like, this had started out a fight about cleaning duties, and now he’s talking about priorities. If Leo did have a point, he wanted him to hurry up and make it because this argument seemed like a waste of time.

“It just…” Leo blew another huff through his nose. “It just seems like… you are… distancing yourself from us, Donnie.”

This statement completely threw Don for a loop. He hadn’t expected that at all. “What in the world are you talking about?” He asked, truly bewildered by the turn in conversation. “Because I don’t want to clean up messes that aren’t mine? Like what the hell-?”

“No, obviously it’s not that. It’s alot of things.” Leo spoke quieter now, not as impassioned. 

“Well, I would love to know what those things are, because I am completely lost here.”

“You never want to hang out with us anymore, and when you do, you act like you’d rather be doing anything else-“

Donnie cut him off with a humorless chuckle. “We’re brothers, we all get on each other’s nerves.” 

“And I get that, but we do all still live together and we all need to contribute to the household chores, and you’ve just been acting like you are so far above doing any type of housework that doesn’t directly effect you.”

“Well, excuse me Leo, sorry if when it rains and the power get knocked out and I have to go topside by myself in the cold pouring rain to fix the power line, I don’t also want to have to mop up the leak in the kitchen when none of you did anything to help!”

“Okay, you keep bring up specific instances, but I’m talking about in general-“

“No, you’re talking alot of nonsense is what you’re doing!” Donnie’s lack of patience was starting to show. “First you’re mad that you think I don’t clean enough, then you’re mad that I have a lab and you don’t? Then you say I’m distancing myself from you all…?” Donnie stood and made a move like he was going to walk away. “If you have something to say, Leo, you better just say it because this whole conversation seems like a waste of time to me. It’s late and I’m tired, so make your point, or I’m going to bed.”

“Are you distancing yourself from us because of April?”

Donnie had already started walking away, as he didn’t expect Leo to actually have a point, so he was halted to a standstill at his words. “What does she have to do with anything?”

Leo looked away again, like he didn’t actually want to have this conversation. After a moment, he sighed and continued without making eye contact. “It just seems like… I mean… I thought we were all on the same page here. We’ve had this discussion, a long time ago. We aren’t…. Human. We’re getting older and it makes sense that we’d want to start living our own lives, but… we can’t. Not really. The world doesn’t accept us, so staying down here is just how it has to be. I thought we had agreed on that. That no matter what the world thought of us, no matter that we can’t lead normal lives, at least we all had each other. But… now it seems like you have other plans, Donnie.”

He finally looked at his brother and Donnie could see the emotions in his eyes. Nothing of what he said had been new information, of course. Donnie knew, painfully well, that the world saw them as freaks and being “normal” was not a luxury they’d ever be able to have. Alot of their friends were at the point where they were starting to branch off, which didn’t help. Karai and Shinigami were currently back in Japan. It was just a visit, but the kind of visit that lasted for a month or two. Casey had gotten a hockey scholarship for a different school than the one April attended. He was trying to go pro, so he poured all his time and attention into practicing. He still came around, but not like he used to. Mona Lisa had left Earth awhile ago, also with promise to return, but they hadn’t heard from her in a few weeks. They were sure it was just a new mission she had, but that didn’t make Raph feel any better. April was the only one who still came around all the time. With most of their enemies gone, everyone was moving on and it felt like the world didn’t need them anymore. 

The pain in Leo’s voice would’ve normal made Donnie want to hug him, but it was the accusation that he couldn’t get over.

“Leo…” He gestured non threateningly with his hands. “Why are you acting like I’m not literally living down here in the sewers right along with you? And I still don’t see what April has to do with anything-” 

“Okay, I’m going to jump in here.” Raph said unexpectedly. “Look, Dude, I know we don’t… we don’t say it enough but… we would be up schitts creek without a paddle without you.” He crossed the room to give Leo a lighthearted punch in the arm. “Wouldn’t we, Leo?”

“…Yeah.”

“So because of that, the idea of you leaving is…. It’s scary.” Raph admitted. He was going to say something else, but Donnie interrupted.

“I’m not going anywhere! What in the actually hell are you guys talking about?!”

Leo rolled his eyes, apparently getting annoyed again. “Don, can we please stop pretending like you’re not going to marry April and then move in with her?”

Donnie froze. To say they touched a nerve was an understatement. April was his best friend, but truthfully, it was very painful to be her friend sometimes. His feelings for her were still just as intense as ever, but for different reason now. In his youth, he’d maintained a kind of innocent hopefulness that they would someday be together, and he never even really thought of the details of how. He knew, even back then, that it wasn’t that simple and when he really thought about it, nothing about it made sense. Which is why he didn’t think about it. Now though, after some soul searching and dropping into a deep depression which he was starting to get better from, he’d resigned himself to the reality that she would never be with him. He’d accepted it, and told himself that it was enough to just be her friend. But the truth was, that pain never went away.  They had such a close friendship, they had developed such a level of comfort with each other, but he knew it would never be enough. The idea of never seeing her again was unbearable, but to be so close to her, knowing that it was as close as he would ever get… it was torture. He didn’t care though, he just couldn’t let her go.

What really hurt was when she would talk about the next stage in her life. She was in school now, but with her grades and what she was studying, she could go anywhere. She wanted to travel, she spoke of it often. She never made any committal remarks about moving away, other than when she talked about the farmhouse and saying how expensive it is to live in the city. Her dad had signed the property over to her for tax reasons, and she would’ve inherited it anyway. She wanted to renovate it.

He was only vaguely aware that Raph and Leo were still talking.

“It’s not like we’re mad at you for finding love, that’s not it at all!” Raph was saying, obviously more concerned than Leo about ruffling his brother’s feathers. “It’s just, we need to be realistic about what would happen if you weren’t here.”

“Yeah, and the reality is, frankly, I think we all feel left behind by our friends, but we didn’t think  our clan would be breaking up as well!” Leo threw his hands up, finally letting his true feelings out. “I mean, all we have is each other, we’re the last of the Hamato clan! I can’t let this clan die, I just can’t.”

“Why do you guys feel the need to do that?” 

They stopped, taken aback by how low and serious Donnie’s voice was. He was done barking, he looked ready to bite. 

“Do what?”

Donnie’s chest felt tight and he had to taken in a sharp breath through his nose to keep his cool. “Why do you guys feel the need to not only remind me of my unrequited feelings for my… our  best friend… but now, you’re holding it against me?”

Raph looked concerned at first, but then sighed. “Donnie, c’mon, don’t act like you wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to get out of here. April isn’t going to stay in New York forever.” 

The statement, while probably true, hurt to hear. “What does that have to do with me?” He said, quieter this time. “I can’t help what April does.”  

“Dude, she is literally planning her future with you in it. Have you not noticed that?” Leo nearly screamed. “You have the opportunity to get out of here and do something with your life, and we’ll be-“

“No she’s not!” Donnie shouted back. “Are you guys smoking crack or something? Don’t say that shit to me! April doesn’t…” He paused, his words getting caught in his throat. “April doesn’t want me. I thought we’d been over this.”

Mikey, who hadn’t yet spoke, immediately picked up on how much pain Donnie was in. “Hey guys, let’s just drop it, yeah?”

Leo pressed on as if his youngest brother hadn’t spoken. “Maybe she didn’t five years ago, but she sure as shit does now.” He didn’t seem bothered by Donnie visible cringe. “I mean, dude, you’ve spent the night, alone at her house.”

“So has Mikey. And Raph once, I think.” Donnie said quietly, and Raph nodded in confirmation. “And she’s spent the night here a billion times, that doesn’t mean anything.”

“Mikey and Raph didn’t sleep in her bed.” Leo said accusingly. 

“I did.”  

They all paused and turned to the youngest brother. Raph spoke. “You did?”

“Every time I go over there, I sleep in her bed.” Mikey said matter-o-factly. “Whenever… whenever I’m sad, she let’s me come over and… she’ll listen. She doesn’t try to offer solutions, she doesn’t try and tell me things to make me feel better, she just… listens. And that’s what helps me the most. Then we watch funny videos.”

None of them commented at first. They all knew Mikey struggled with depression, but he rarely, if ever, talked about it. They all had told him at some point that they were there if he needed to talk, but he never came to any of them. One might of thought that hearing that his brother shared a bed with April might make Donnie jealous, but quite the opposite, it made him very happy and appreciative to hear about it. It made sense that Mikey would be more comfortable talking to April than to any of them, and to know that she had been there for him was comforting. Donnie wanted that for his brother. 

“See?” He said finally, more to Leo than anyone else. “April… she’s there for all of us. She cares about all of us… I’m not special.”

“Donnie, don’t say that.” Mikey offered and rose from his seat to place a hand on his brother’s shoulder. Donnie placed his own hand over Mikey’s and squeezed it, staring at the floor.  “She cares about you the most. More than you know.”

“Mikey, please, please don’t.” He said through his teeth. “I can’t… I can’t even believe we’re having this conversation right now. You know how long it took me to accept the fact that I was kidding myself by thinking there could ever be something between us? Of course you guys know, which is why it is so baffling to me that you feel the need to do this.” 

“So if April wanted you to move away with her, you wouldn’t do it?” 

Raph punched Leo in the arm again. It was a strange thing, to see Raph scold Leo for being insensitive. Donnie had had enough though.

“I’m out of here.” He turned on his heel and heading towards the turnstiles. 

...............

Yes, it’s NSFW, of course it is.

[knickynoo]

Family Ties “Hotline Fever”: An APK Rambling

Alright, so I really need to talk about this episode, everyone. I’m watching through the series for the second time currently & just having so many feelings. The first time around, I was just kind of taking it in and enjoying it, but now I’m looking at it more from an analytical side (which is my jam). And honestly? I’m fully realizing why I like Alex P. Keaton so much. 

This is going to be a LONG one, people. 

(TW for a plot that deals with depression & talk of suicide) 

So, for anyone who hasn’t seen the episode, here’s the basic gist of it: Alex has to take a humanities course for college, which he’s obviously not thrilled about because come on. The humanities? Dealing with people and emotions and all those things Alex would rather not concern himself with? He eventually settles on volunteering at a hotline center, offering counseling over the phone. He’s not into the idea at all and just wants to get through it and earn his credit. He’s also not too happy to discover that an old school rival of his, James (who beat him in the 3rd grade spelling bee-a fact he’s still not over), is his partner for the course. 

When Alex and James are at the center one night, and find out that the guy training them isn’t able to come in, Alex is more than happy to pack up his stuff and go home. Until the phone rings, that is. On the other end of the line is Bill, a troubled teen who reveals to Alex that he’s lost all hope and is thinking about ending it all. Completely out of their element & caught off guard, Alex & James have to decide how to handle the situation on their own. 

For such a heavy episode, it has a fairly well-balanced element of humor added throughout. While the seriousness of the situation at hand always stays at the forefront, Alex, James, & even Bill have their moments of playing off of each other in a lighthearted enough way that it works. 

Here’s the thing though: this is an Alex episode. As such, the plot is ultimately used as a vehicle to give us a much deeper look into his mind. And people, this is an important Alex episode. Because what does the average person think about Alex at first glance? Well, he certainly can come across as cold. He’s full of snark, tends to flaunt his intelligence, and can even appear to struggle with empathy. But I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again....

Alex P. Keaton is so much more than what we see on the surface. All the attitude and arrogance? The ego and the flippant remarks? Walls. They’re walls, and APK has a whole lot of them set up all around him. Sure, we see plenty of glimpses behind them through the series up until this point, but this episode is really one of the first times we see them ripped down completely, leaving Alex utterly vulnerable. 

As Alex and James stay on the phone long into the night, Bill eventually tells them that he’s scared, to which Alex tells him that everybody sometimes feels that way. And then Bill hits Alex with two words that set the entire rest of the plot in motion.

“Do you?” 

Friends, Alex does not want to talk about this. It’s one thing to talk about somebody else’s emotions, but his own?? That’s a big no from APK. But this is important to Bill, so Alex gives himself permission to lower those walls. And boy howdy, do we get a beautiful scene. 

Alex tells Bill he does get scared, “Mostly at night. You know, when the house is real quiet. And I start thinking about my future. I do, I get scared.”

This confuses Bill, who asks why that would scare Alex? Hasn’t he always succeeded in life so far? To which Alex tells him that’s exactly why he gets scared. He lays it all out on the table then, explaining how hard he has to push himself to live up to his own previous success and expectations. Not to mention the expectations that everyone around him has set. He’s spent so much of his life being praised for his intellect and work-ethic, that at this point, it’s become his identity. He can’t let himself fail because he literally isn’t sure that he can handle it. 

Alex: “-I can’t let myself fail. I keep pushing myself to do better and better and I keep trying harder and harder, and I’m afraid that if I stop...”

Alex gets totally wrapped up in spilling this out to Bill, speaking in that rapid-fire, breathless way that’s so typical of him and fidgeting anxiously in his seat. Because this is really, really difficult for him. So he pulls himself back and stops mid-sentence, apologizing for getting so carried away. But Bill wants to know what Alex was going to say. And after a quiet moment of consideration, we get this.

And it’s with these few lines that we finally see Alex. Walls completely down, with only a terrified guy left behind them. This is the driving force behind the great Alex P Keaton: fear. An anxiety rooted so deep that his only option is to hide it with a consuming drive for success and an over-inflated ego. 

Yes, Alex P. Keaton is a lot of things. He can be self-centered and arrogant. He is pedantic, sometimes oblivious to social cues, and operates in very black and white thinking. APK doesn’t know gray area. There’s right and there’s wrong. Success and failure. It’s no surprise at all that a person like him would feel the need to close himself off emotionally in order to not be crushed by the confusing, scary world around him. So he can’t slow down. Because one little slip up might be enough to ruin him. He’ll be nothing.

Can we just focus on that for a second? The fact that Alex, a kid being raised in a completely stable environment, with parents who so deeply love him, can still have such inner emotional dysfunction that the entirety of his self-worth is tied to how bright and witty he is?? To the point that he stays up at night worrying that failure would erase his own value and potentially cause those around him to not love him any more? The whole scene paints a terribly sad picture of this usually enthusiastic, passionate guy we’ve known for two seasons. 

But it’s such an important moment for him. It’s unlikely that Alex has ever opened up like this to anybody before, yet here he is, spilling his guts to a stranger on the phone. And why? Because he knows that Bill needs to hear it. He recognizes that this hurting guy is actually a lot like himself, and wants to let him know that he isn’t alone. 

He pleads with Bill to keep going. “You don’t want to die. And we don’t want you to die,” he says, his voice cracking with genuine emotion. 

The whole episode is just beautiful, and I love what it does for Alex as a character. He may very well return to his typical Alex-ness by the next episode (and he does) but now we have some context. We know a little more now about what makes him tic and the motivating force behind what makes APK everything that we see on screen. And you know what? Alex is probably learning about himself in the moment too, as he says out loud the things that had only ever been confined to his head before. 

 It’s fantastic, and I had to write an essay about it. 

(For anyone wondering, the episode ends on a bright note, with Bill telling them he’s going to start new tomorrow & seek out professional help and with Alex and James sharing a lovely moment.)

*takes a sip of orange juice* Anyway, thanks for coming to the next part of my 47982 APK character study lecture series, everyone 

[itsakpopalypse]

Loss and Secrets

moodboard made by the lovely and wonderful @lovesfaith​ thank you so much !!

You neared the small residence you shared with your best friend and familiar, unsure how this particular day was going to go. You’d been out  gathering the clients you’d need for that evening, hedging into the astral world with specific answers in mind. You stared up at the sky through the canopy of trees, a familiar shape coming into view before swooping down to land on your shoulder with utmost gentleness. Any regular animal would have torn the flesh off your shoulder with its sharp talons, but this Hawk was special, to you, in many ways.

Not only had he now been your familiar for several circulations, but he was also the closest thing you’d ever had to someone understanding you. 

Sometimes you could be a bit.. Emotional, feelings weighed on you somewhat heavier than other practices would. You were fairly good at keeping that to yourself to most, but unfortunately there wasn’t a familiar that existed that didn’t have extensive insight into their witch.

The hawk turned to you, watching you in a way that probably should be unsettling. You appreciated his company, tried not to push his comfort, considering his past. Donghun had bonded before… a mistake on the universe’s account, if you could be so bold.

His previous witch had been unstable, twisted, turning his affections freely given into a mockery of what it should have been. Loyal, reliable Donghun had stayed until he saw her be truly and utterly unrepentant after hurting someone. You didn’t know her name, and he refused to talk much about her. 

Sometimes he got this look on his face, staring out the window that made your entire soul ache in response. You knew he was thinking about her, about the first bond. That hurt worse. Something akin to jealousy would boil inside you, because you knew some part of him missed who she was before her fall. 

Being exiled, he had gone through a rite of separation, and was under the impression he would be alone after that, but when you did the ceremony, and he was called, things still went through.

He accepted, albeit with some hesitation, and even now he often didn’t seem outwardly affectionate. Some familiars cuddled up to their witches often. You envied it, as you craved closeness. Especially after a particularly difficult hedging. 

It’s not that he lacked the ability to be affectionate. A while back you’d seen him with his friends, and he treated that Red Panda like his own child, coddling and fussing over him but also constantly petting his head and offering praise.

Often, you got a very different side of him. Like when you forgot an item you needed he would roll his eyes and chuckle about how hopeless you’d be without him, as he produced the exact thing you needed. Often thoughtful, always prepared, teasing and fun... but sometimes he just looked so sad. Sad in ways that made your heart break silently along with him.

Among other things, you had grown attached, desired only his happiness and worried that he wouldn’t achieve it, since you weren’t his first bond. 

“Stop.” He muttered from your shoulder, more of a mind voice than a physical one, considering his beak. 

“What?” You asked, startled by his intrusion into your musing.

“You’re worrying again. You’ll interfere with your ability to hedge if you keep it up.” His voice was that same, irritated snip but you knew it was out of concern not irritation. For all his bristle he genuinely cared how you felt, and did his best to alleviate your stress. 

“Donghun.” 

“Hm?” His head cocked to the side when you looked at him. You broke eye contact, continuing your journey to the village, and the home you shared. Breaking the treeline, you stepped over some fallen branches and hiked your bag up a little on the opposite shoulder. 

“When we get back, do you mind helping me set up?” You asked it hesitantly for some reason things lately had been… more strained. It was uncomfortable and you wanted to understand the reason for his distance. 

“I always do it, don’t I?”  His voice was softer now, in your head, almost a caress.  You just nodded, anxiety soothed for now. 

-----

Days had passed, and now you sat in The Unclaimed’s kitchen, wringing your hands and glancing around. “Are you sure?” You asked, hating the twist in your gut. 

She nodded. “We are. Her vision and mine make it clear. We both recognized Matthew and Somin. The other two look familiar, probably from the past but we don’t know them personally. We need your help.” She had a strain in her voice, and kept glancing out the window towards the water below. It reminded you of the way you’d look for Donghun while he was flying. That watchful, curious excitement. Strange, considering she is The Unclaimed.  You shook off the thought when you noticed the shape of a very particular bird above the ocean.

 You already knew Donghun had followed, even though he had said he’d stay behind. He’d worry, like always. He never really left your side for long, you assumed a layover from his time with Somin and her rapid fall which he denied until she was beyond recognizing. 

It hurt you that he didn’t trust you but you knew it wasn’t his fault. Others in the coven had insisted he was once lighthearted and affectionate, instead of stony and withdrawn.

Still, you felt his care for you in the way he behaved. How he would remind you to rest after hedging and always seemed to know when something was about to be too hard on you. The way he often pursed his lips when you would put on a brave face, and insist that you needn’t carry the burden of empathy on your own. He scolded you in the gentlest way, and it made your foolish heart skip. 

These were mostly his duties, but more than that, he always knew when you needed him near. He never let you down. 

It was going to tear him in two to find out Somin was involved in more nasty business. It was going to slice open his scars and pour salt in them. Had she not yet done enough to the coven and more importantly, her ex familiar?  The business was messy and unfair. You just wanted peace for him. 

You watched him soar above the building before swooping down to the crashing waves below, beautiful, graceful, powerful. 

“It’s going to hurt him.” You mumble finally, unsure what else to say. You set down the cup in your hands and lock eyes with her, her face somber. 

“Life hurts, better you be honest.”  She gently placed a small sachet in your hand, closing both her hands around yours to fold your fingers in. Her smile was sad and she looked regretful. “We all have people we love, and sometimes we have to hurt them, even if we desperately don’t want to.”

She glanced over her shoulder as the sound of the back window creaking, before standing to rush you out. “You have to. I have another visitor.” The wet slaps of feet against her tile met your ears but you nodded, knowing she had many visitors for many reasons, not all the most savory types. A witch had to make a living, though. “Go ahead, dear. He’s waiting for you. Don’t wait too long to tell him.”

You nodded and thanked her on your way out. You’d have to figure out how to talk to him about it eventually.

----

The walk back was quiet, and Donghun was watching you, walking by your side now. It was a bit unusual for him to do so, you knew that meant he was intuiting your emotions. He felt your turmoil and wanted to offer comfort. 

You reached a fallen log, which he jumped over quickly and put his hand out to help you over. You locked eyes, slid your hand into his and watched the tiniest twitch upward at the corner of his mouth. 

When your hand was enveloped in his, warm, strong, safe, he tugged you up onto the log and before you could climb on your own, he grabbed you by the waist and lifted you down. There, pressed to his warm chest time stopped for a moment. You stared into his eyes, dark but soft, flecks of mahogany hidden in their depths. You swallowed, mouth suddenly gone dry. You wet your lips with your tongue and he followed the motion with his eyes, letting out a slow, deep exhale as he did. His throat bobbed, head tilting towards yours ever so slightly.

“It’s okay to let me help you.” His words were quiet, with a hint of rasp that made your head spin. This behavior… But when his nose brushed the tip of yours and he paused, gaze darting between your mouth and eyes, you suddenly were struck with the image of Somin, and the impending situation. It was messy, unfair.  The first time he showed you this side of himself and you were haunted by the looming prospect of telling him the truth. 

Knowing you couldn’t allow him to go further until you had had that discussion, you cleared your throat and pushed off of his chest firmly. He caught your hands, trapped them against himself for a moment, before bringing them clasped together up to his mouth. He pressed a soft kiss against the palm of each hand. When he released them, he was smiling. He nodded his head in the direction you were going to have to go, and you pressed onward for a few steps, partially in a daze.

“Do you… Have you ever missed your life before?”  You were scared, but forced yourself to look over at his face as he fell into step beside you. He kept a neutral expression but he looked over at you as though trying to gage your feelings on the matter.

“I don’t think so, no. I suppose there are things I miss about myself. However, we are taught to trust the universe. Some things happen based on the decisions of others, and we get burned. I trust the universe had something better planned to balance the scales for me.”  

His hand pressed into your lower back to guide you around a root sticking up. “Besides. Where would you even be without me. You almost just broke your neck.”  He chuckled to himself. “Why do you even ask, is that why you’ve looked so sour today? Are you jealous?”

Your face felt hot, how could he tease you so effortlessly?? Where was all of this coming from?

“There’s more I just…” You trailed off, unsure how to word it.

“You’ll tell me when you’re ready, that’s okay.”  He let his hand drop and gave you a reassuring smile and a wink as you continued home.

------

 This was the part you feared. It made your palms clammy and your neck tense. The idea that you had to talk to him about this entire thing was… overwhelming.

“Donghun?” You called, peeking into the library from your bedroom. “I was wondering if you’d seen the-” You pause, seeing him sitting with one leg up in the window seat.  He has that far away look again, lips pursed in that way that makes your gut wrench a little. 

His eyes drift slowly from outside to your face, taking in your disheveled appearance. Worry furrows his brow as he slides off the seat and to your side. His fingers gently pass over your face, cupping your cheek as he peers into your soul as though he has laid your very nature bare.

“Do you need more help setting up? Did something happen?” He keeps his voice low, like he’s scared you’ll run away if he speaks too loudly.  You start to shake your head, but your heart hurts.

You worry so much about the life he lives with you, and you feel like you’ve failed him.

“I’m about to hedge. Did you. Do you ..” You stop, looking down and swallowing the words that don’t want to come out. 

He seems to know, however, as always, and he tilts your head up to look at his face. He forces the tiniest smile, the hopeful one he uses when he wants you to smile back. Your heart breaks more, but you try, for him. “Do you want me to go stay with you while you do?”

You nod, unable to speak it, and follow him into your room. He leads you, fingers entwined, thumb brushing the side of your hand. He helps you lay down, sitting at the stool beside the bed. You’ve started burning the herbs, and have half a cup of tea left on the table.  He nudges your and with the cup. You accept it, and bite the corner of your mouth in thought. This is an important job, requested by another witch. One he might actually know, considering his closeness with her familiar.

“Donghun. You know Chan?” 

Donghun smiles instantly, brightly, full of love. “Yes, of course.”

“His partner. She asked for me to do this. Something about a vision she and The Unclaimed have been having. They want me to reach out to someone. In the astral plane.” 

He nods, waiting for you to continue. You don’t want to say it, it hurts just to think, you know how much it’s going to hurt him to even bring it up, but he deserves to know.

“They think. They think Somin may be involved in this… very scary coming event. They see the end of familiars. Maybe the end of the universe… her spearheading it. With three others. Fallen also.”  

A chill settles in the room and his mouth forms a tight line. His eyes don’t leave yours, and his jaw ticks as he thinks. “I’m sorry.” Is all he says, so, so softly that you want to crawl into a hole for even telling him. Your chest is so hollow, and tears spring at the corners of your eyes. You close them and look away, taking deep breaths to calm yourself when you realize the level of distress in the bond is coming in slow, dull waves instead of the intensity you expected. 

You had always suspected he was in love with her, the way he’d look when her name came up. Others had even hinted at it… but this wasn’t the pain of fresh heartbreak.  Something leaked it’s way in behind the soreness that he felt, concern, worry, affection.  

When you looked at him, his face was stony, concerned and certainly upset, but not the sobbing and anger you expected. Instead he looked more concerned about you. His hands moved at a snails pace, before they began to wipe the tears from under your eyes.

“It makes me sad to know she is still in pain, still hurting people. I feel guilty. I feel like I could have stopped her before she fell. But Y/N. I’m not in love with her. I wasn’t then, and I’m certainly not now.”   Your eyes widened and you looked into his, he had the smallest pained smile. “Yes, I knew that you thought that. You don’t have to explain yourself or apologize. I know I haven’t been the easiest to be around.”  

“I never thought you were hard to be around.” You whispered. “Okay. Sometimes a little… difficult to get close to. You know how you’re so close to Chan? Sometimes I wish we had that.” 

He chuckled, scoffing before his voice dropped a bit, pulling his lower lip into his mouth. “Because I let him lay all over me? If you want that, I can do that with you too...”  He slid into the bed beside you, tugging your arm until your body fit against his. He tucked your head under his chin and pressed a quick kiss to the top of your head. 

“Well one thing is sure.” He mumbled while stroking your arm absently, bringing his face to the side of yours as his breath bounced off your ear. “I don’t feel the same way doing it with you as I do with Chan.”  

You gasped and started to  pull back but he laughed and trapped you against him. 

“I mean that in a good way. Chan is like. My little brother. I love him and he needs affection. With you it’s… well it’s not familial.”

It made you blush, but you weren’t ready to explore it. 

“Donghun... are you going to lay here while I hedge?” You had to change the subject, your face and body were on fire from the implications. 

He hummed and adjusted the positions until you were resting with your head on his chest. The smoke filled the room from the herbs, and your eyes drowsily followed the patterns. “Rest. Hedge. I’ll catch you when you fall back into your body. I’ll always catch you.” 

Cold, reliably that. That lightness like bobbing on the top of a pond.. You tried to relax and let it take you, but the drift was slower than usual, your soul sticking unevenly to your body. You half wondered if it was because you didn’t want to leave his side. Shaking it off, with work to do, you focused on the lightness of your body, lifting, propelling into an almost dreamlike state, focusing on what you needed to learn from the universe. 

Tingles crept through you as you were tossed into a cave, it was cold, damp, you could perceive it, but not really “feel” It outside your body. Four figures huddled into the corner all fully asleep, but you couldn’t make out faces. As you moved deeper into the cave, following the voices, the atmosphere itself burned you, unlike the celestial floating feeling you were used to, it felt like your soul, now detached from your body, was being seared by the experience. Grimacing through it, you continued, quietly forcing yourself onward against the pain. 

As you neared the mouth of the next chamber, you heard mumbling, hushed words 

“The spell will take what we need from them. It doesn't matter what’s in that dumb book.” Somin’s voice was recognizable and it sent shivers down your spine in spite of the heat and pressure increasing on your skin.  She sounded so… Detached. Unfeeling. 

“The writings say-” A male voice rang out, in some level of worry.

“I don’t care. Drain the familiars or we will never get our revenge.” She interrupted and you felt sick, the closer you got the more ill you felt. The heat was unbearable. Just as you peeked into the room Somin’s head snapped in your direction, eyes narrowed. “YOU. You shouldn’t have made it this far. Jisoo did you do your job?”

The blonde next to Somin, raised her hands and closed her eyes. She was mumbling, the heat grew more fierce and before you knew it, you were being forced out of the cave and through the air. The heat was unbearable, the pressure all consuming, you closed your eyes and tried to find your body. It felt too far. You were scared, your chest felt tight and you felt tears spring to your eyes. “Donghun.” was all you could say. 

Everything went black. 

---

The first thing  you felt were drops of water. Plop.  Plop plop. On top of your cheeks.

“Please.” It was Donghun, so thick with emotion his voice was quaking. “Please come home. This was too dangerous, I shouldn’t have let you go. I can’t lose you. I can’t let you go too.”

Your body was warm, enveloped in his arms, he gripped you so tightly. His lips ghosted over your cheeks and eyelids. He was praying, it sounded like, now. “She means everything. She was my destiny. You chose wrong the first time and I won’t let her go. I won’t let Somin take anything else from me. Never again.” It was almost bitter. He started to sob, a sound so heart wrenching you gasped as your soul slammed back into your body, the bed bouncing with impact. 

He gasped, grasping your face as your eyes cracked open, seeing him above you face full of anguish. It transformed in a moment, from sadness to surprise to relief. 

His smile was so bright as he said your name in near breathless wonder.  “You came back to me.”  He closed his eyes and breathed out, pressing his forehead to yours. “ I wasn’t sure you would. Your body was shaking. You felt so far away. I didn’t... I didn’t think you were coming back. I couldn’t see your tether anymore.”   

“It’s okay. I was scared but I’m back now. It’s okay. “ You tried to calm him but you were still shaking, still afraid. Still confused. 

“You can’t go back there. They can’t make you. I won’t let them. I’ll peck their eyes out if they try.” He was mumbling nonsense into your neck, breathing heavy and still you felt the wetness of his tears. “I love you. I can say it now. I only love you okay? So don’t put yourself in danger.” 

Elation mixed in with confusion until his lips began to trace a path up your neck from your shoulder. Each kiss more slow, and heated. “Dongh-” You began, but his mouth had reached your own by then. It stole not only your words, but your thoughts and breath. 

Slowly, deeply, the caress of his lips were so full of emotion. You reciprocated, kissing him back with as much fervor as your heart felt. All this time questioning, and he was always a little bit yours. 

He pulled back just enough to whisper, “Love you.” Again before diving back in, his tongue sweeping under your upper lip as he shifted you up into his lap. His fingers clutched your low back and behind your skull, cradling you gently in his grasp. Winding your arms around his neck you sighed into his kiss, the fear you had leaving your body each moment you two connected.

After a few moments of kissing, he released you and smiled, tears still frozen in his eyelashes. 

“Whatever happens, you can’t leave me too, okay?’’

You nodded, unsure what else to do with the moment. “I’ll need to go back to the unclaimed soon. She needs to know what I saw.” 

“Fine. But no more risks. I can’t protect you from whatever that was. Normally I can follow your tether but this… this was beyond my ability.” His hand cupped your cheek, thumb brushing back and forth under your eye, before pressing gently into your lower lip, tugging it down a tiny bit before replacing it once more with his kiss. 

He held you close, and you knew that come what may, you wouldn’t let him lose anyone else.

[dastardlydutchvanderlinde]

Hosea. Dutch. Gayness. Angst. Pls ❤️

I love you for sending this. This is based on a video I saw @vandermatthews reblogged https://vandermatthews.tumblr.com/post/180245422063

“Next time I’ll slit your throat myself.”

The venom in Hosea’s voice wasn’t something that was heard often insidecamp. Everyone forgot sometimes that this was the man who had first ran withDutch, the only man with the backbone to reign him in. It made sense there wasdarkness to Hosea, but Arthur had never really gotten used to seeing it. 

Sean stuttered. He was the one holding the rifle but there was noquestion over who would wind up bleeding out if it came to it. 

Hosea snarled as he released Sean, pushing the man almost off his feet.He starts to march away, only to spot Arthur, “He’s useless that big sack ofturd.”

“Mhm, I know that.” Arthur responds, mostly because if he didn’t agreewith Hosea that anger would be taken out on him. 

Sean staggers, finding his footing. “I’m- I’m- I’m sorry!” He callsafter Hosea, but the man has already stormed away. 

“Wouldn’t waste your breath.” Arthur says, adjusting in his saddle. “Youand him ain’t ever gonna be friends.”

“What I ever do to him eh?” Sean says, straightening out his shirt sleeves. 

Arthur chuckled. “It ain’t what you did to him.” 

Sean look at him, exasperated. “Now what the fuck’s that supposed tomean?”

Hosea liked everyone in camp well enough, but Sean? There was asignificant frostiness there. There was also one detail about Sean thateveryone else in the camp lacked. 

“You tried to kill Dutch, idiot.” Arthur says, like it’s the mostobvious thing in the world. 

Sean throws his hands up in the air. “Aye, and the bloody bastardforgave me not ten seconds later! Come on Arthur, I’m not the only person herewho’s had a go am I?”

Arthur shrugs. “Guess you could count Kieran as an O’Driscoll, but thenthat still ain’t Dutch specifically. They want to kill us all.” 

“God damn it. Why’s Hosea all up in arms about it still anyway, that wasages ago! All in the past!” Sean says, kicking at the dust. 

There was a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why Hosea still heldthat particular grudge, but if Sean was too dense to see it Arthur wasn’t goingto open his eyes. “Clearly Hosea don’t see it like that.” 

Sean snorts. “Clearly.”

Arthur sighs, gently pushing his horse to move. He had actually been onhis way out. “Look, if I were you I’d give him a wide berth. Just don’t speakto him if you can help it. In fact, just don’t speak.”

“Very funny Arthur, you’re a funny guy!” Sean grumbled. “Where you offto anyway?”

“No business of yours.” Arthur shouts over his shoulder, disappearinginto the night. 

Sean sits himself back down on the tree, vowing to stay awake this time.The camp is fairly quiet, especially now everyone had heard Hosea’s outburst.He’d headed off towards the partially hidden scout campfire and by the soundsof it the rest of the camp had gone in the opposite direction. 

 Lenny had been sat in the quiet of the scout campfire, but one quicklook at Hosea approaching had him standing within seconds. 

“You okay?” Lenny asks the older man, shoving his pack of cards backinto his pocket. 

Hosea waved a hand. “Sure. I just, need a minute.” 

Lenny hesitated, but he’d been within earshot of the little incidentwith Sean. “You… you sounded pretty pissed back there.” 

Hosea sighs heavily, taking a seat by the fire on one of the logs.“Well, I can’t say I was happy to find that shit stain asleep on watch.”

“Went off on him like he’d killed the dog.” Lenny says, and he doesn’trealise how close his made up scenario was to the real reason behind Hosea’shatred. 

It takes every ounce of his self control not to react with violence tothe simple conversation. Lenny didn’t know, he was just trying to be nice toHosea. 

Visibly biting his tongue, Hosea tilts his head down to stare at theflames. “If you don’t mind, Lenny. I’d rather be alone.”

Lenny is backing up before the request has even finished leaving hislips. He knew you didn’t poke an angry snake with a stick if you didn’t want toget bitten. “Of course, Mr Matthews. I’ll keep everyone away for you.” 

“Thanks Lenny. You’re a good kid.” Hosea said, the tiredness he feltseeping into his voice.

Lenny disappeared, heading for the safety of camp.

Hosea had half an hour before his peace was disturbed, and half an hourwas not long enough to cool off.

 The footsteps are ones he knows well, which was the only reason Hosea didn’tthrow anything at the approaching man. 

“Lenny said you were out here.” Dutch breaks the silence, standingacross the other side of the fire. 

Hosea always liked looking at Dutch in orange light, but he can’t lookat him now. If he looked at him now he’d be marching back to where Sean was nodoubt asleep again and shooting the kid without hesitation. 

When Hosea doesn’t respond or look at him, Dutch starts to move,circling around the fire until he was behind his oldest friend.

“Will you ever forgive that poor boy?” Dutch teases, standing too closebehind him. 

Hosea sighs heavily, not in the mood for taking that particularsituation in any lighthearted manner. Dutch never took his dislike for Seanseriously. He wasn’t sure if it was to try and diffuse Hosea’s hatred or if hegenuinely didn’t think it was a big deal but it did nothing to sooth the venomin Hosea’s veins. He considered humouring the question and answering, but itwasn’t something that came easily to him. Forgiveness sure, he could forgive alot, but forgetting? Hosea would never forget how damn close he had been tolosing Dutch forever. 

There’s a weight on his shoulder, and Hosea shifts until his back ispressed against Dutch. Dutch kneads his fingers along tense muscles, his thumbtracing a line up Hosea’s neck. He starts on both shoulders, and Hosea suddenlyfinds himself relaxing, all the tension being eased away. 

“He was just a kid, Hosea. No harm, no foul.” Dutch mutters, nevertaking his eyes off the man in front of him. He should be keeping a look outfor any nosey camp members, but after the chewing out Sean got and with Lennyacting as a warning, he doubts anyone would try to get within sight ofHosea. 

“Not the point, Dutch.” Hosea says, and he tilts his head back, restingagainst the solid warmth Dutch’s body provided. He didn’t need the reminderthat Dutch was alive and well, but… well. Maybe he did. 

Every time he looked at Sean all Hosea could see was the barrel of arifle pressed against Dutch’s temple. He’ll never be able to wipe the coldfeeling that had exploded into his chest, the way time had stood still as Dutchmet his eyes and Hosea had known he was saying goodbye. That he had wanted hislast moments to be with Hosea. 

He’d never not see that when he looked at Sean. 

“He nearly killed you.” Hosea whispered to the fire burning in front ofhim, unsure if Dutch would even hear him. 

The hands rubbing at his shoulders disappear, and then Dutch is in frontof him, kneeling in the dirt so they were eye to eye. 

“Look at me.” Dutch demanded, and even on his knees he was always theone to be obeyed. Hosea lifts his head, meeting Dutch’s gaze.

He moves a hand, grasping Hosea’s jaw to make sure he wouldn’t lookaway. “He didn’t kill me. I’m still here. We’re okay. We are all gonna beokay.”

“I can’t just forget it, Dutch. When you-“ Hosea cuts himself off,clenching his jaw in Dutch’s grip. 

Dutch sighs, and his hand slips around to the back of Hosea’s neck,pulling them in close. “I know. It’s just, folk notice things now. The biggerthe gang gets the more observant they become. Please, please make an effort tobe civil with Sean. I ain’t asking for you to like him, or pretend to.”

Easier said than done. Hosea can’t control the rage that burns up insidehim when he comes into contact with the idiot. “I’ll do my best to avoid him.That’s all I can promise.”

Dutch just smiles and stares at him. It’s the kind of look that isusually reserved for when they’re totally alone, the open affection the man haswritten across his expression is something that could easily get them bothkilled. 

“That’s all I ask.” Dutch says, stroking at the soft hair at the back ofHosea’s neck. 

Usually he’d jump through hoops trying to do what Dutch asked, but thistime, this time Hosea wasn’t sure if it was a request he could abide by.

Dutch nods, and starts to let go of Hosea to back up out of his space.

Hosea snaps a hand out, his fingers closing around Dutch’s wrist andstopping him from pulling away. 

There’s silence for a moment, the pair of them unwilling to pullapart. 

“I can’t-“ Hosea breaks off, taking a deep shuddering breath. It kept replayingthrough his head. He could picture it like it was happening now. The smell ofsawdust and freshly cut wood, money bags heavy on his shoulder, Dutch’s handsfrozen halfway up and his rings glinting in the sunlight. The barrel of the gunleft an indent against his skin, red and angry. Hosea can still see the fear inDutch’s eyes, and he can still imagine what it would have been like if Sean hadpulled the trigger. 

Dutch is waiting for him to finish, patiently rubbing gentle circlesagainst his thigh with the hand that wasn’t threaded through Hosea’s hair.

“I can’t stop seeing it. You, and the gun, and I knew Dutch. I knew youthought you were never gonna see me again.” Hosea whispers to the dark. 

“Stay with me tonight.” Dutch says softly.

Hosea realises they’re so close now that he can feel Dutch’s breath, andhe can’t bring himself to pull away. 

“We can’t.” Hosea hates it, but they can’t. The camp was too quiet, tooclose. They couldn’t risk it. 

Dutch doesn’t see it that way. “To hell with everyone. Stay withme.” 

Hosea knows he should refuse, but even as the words start to form in hismind, the second Dutch’s lips touch his he knows it’s a lost argument. 

Dutch kisses like his life depends on it, intense and needy, and he cannever keep his hands to himself. Before Hosea knows it they’re pressed chest tochest, with Dutch still kneeling between Hosea’s legs. If anyone saw them therewould be no way to explain it. But, with that empty look of fear on Dutch’sface still present in Hosea’s mind, he can’t stop. 

“You’d best never leave me.” Hosea growls as they break apart, clingingto Dutch’s waistcoat in a bid to make sure they didn’t topple off the log. 

Dutch smiles, and he trails kisses along Hosea’s jaw, down his throat.“I’ll try make sure you go first, old man.” 

Hosea chuckles, and he lets Dutch nip at his skin. “It’s a deal.” 

Dutch laughs, pulling back. “Glad that’s settled. Now, come with me so Ican show you how alive we both are.” 

That was a request Hosea had no intentions of refusing. 

[franeridan]

hey i wanted to ask if you could make recommendations for bakushima fanfics? i'm curious as to what you're currently reading, what your favorites are and what your thoughts on the fanfics you read are! :)

Boi!!! Okay, I guess I did something like that a long while ago, everything I said about those fics is still 100% valid, after making that list I reread nearly all of them a dozen of times and I’ve loved them all just as much each of them, good great fics those - but since then I’ve read a shitton more, so!! Let’s do this? Let’s do this

My (newer) Favorite Fics:

one to ten by crunchrapsupreme - lotsa pining, acquaintance to friends to lovers, incredibly soft and ridiculously happy it gave me such a warm feeling reading it? Kirishima is so pure it made my heart sing, Kaminari is just as ridiculous and negative as he’s supposed to be and Bakugou’s!!! Perfect I’m sure you’re gonna like this one

out of sight, within reach by potato - no powers AU, high school AU, misunderstandings and jealousy and ridiculous babies in love - Bakugou pines!!! It’s actually!!! A fic from Bakugou’s pov with this ridiculous dork pining!!!! I would have loved it just for that, but honestly anything potato writes is worth reading they’re just so good and know the characters so well !!!

get tough, straight up by quactus - this!!!! damn!!!! fic!!!! it’s useless even to drag this for long, the reason why this fic is between my favorites is straight out the incredible amount of Bakugou and Kirishima acting like a couple while they’re not even aware their liking each other might be mutual - they’re soft, got no personal space at all, care for each other so sweetly seriously it’s so good to read it made my insides melt

all good things need sunshine by shizuumi151 - a flower shop AU from another author I love with all my heart! Go check everything they’ve written they’re honestly a fave, such a good grasp on these two - this fic is sweet (I think I used that word to describe all the fics I’ve recced till now? It’s my fav genre what can I do) flowers make me soft and these two acting like the ridiculous crushing idiots they are surrounded by them is just a recipe to make me happy lbr

it’s pouring out here again by shizuumi151 - no power/high school/basketball club AU and I’m pretty certain I suggested this one already between my favorite Kaminari fics? Cause he’s amazing in this one, he and Sero both - so are Bakugou and Kirishima, obviously, the whole atmosphere of the fic makes me genuinely happy every single time I read this fic (which I’ve done… way too many times in the last month already, honestly… rip this is a fav for sure)

Fight Me by ryonello - no quirks/nurse! Kirishima AU and oh my god this fic is so good - it’s fun? and bright? and Bakugou pines in the most endearing way ever? I spent the whole fic nodding and going same Baku same haha

From Pictures to Words by Kivea - snapchat AU snapchat AU snapchat AU!!!! Holy heck!!!! These!!!! NERDS!!!!!!! This is a seriously great fic - Baku/Mina friendship and the squad being it all there and Baku & Deku being on civil terms make it all even better, but g o d Bakugou and Kirishima in this fic. Jesus Christ. I love them so much I can’t even find the words to describe it

little are the things we learn by newamsterdam - a 5+1 fic, 6 PoV total each of them describing the KiriBaku relationship from the eyes of those aorund them - listen. Listen. This might be obvious, because newamsterdam is my absolute fave KiriBaku author, but I live and die for this fic - aside from how I adore the external PoV format in general, every single character is so incredibly IC? And the KiriBaku relationship is so so so well described and complete even if constantly seen from an outsider’s point of view? God, I love this fic. I should reread this fic right now, honestly

but I’ve got an angry heart by newamsterdam (again) - no quirks/college AU good god this fic - you could, technically, go back in my blog and find my reblogs of every single chapter and see me dying under every single one of them. Cause this fic killed me. Kept me alive too, somehow. This might be my favorite KiriBaku fic atm, it’s so complete both from a plot point of view and from the building of the various relationships in it too - there’s Bakugou & Aizawa golden interactions, the whole squad is there and their relationships both with Bakugou and with Kirishima are perfect, I live for the way Baku and Deku’s relationship was brought in this fic and the building of Bakugou’s relationship with Kirishima is just. So. Good. It broke my heart a lot, but it made me super happy too so! It was definitely worth it I love reading this fic always

don’t count on me to let you know when by newamsterdam - I’m just, fucken, reccing all of asma’s fics whatever - this one’s n/sfw so keep that in mind! It’s also happy ending with a lot of pain and miscommunication and PLEASE BAKUGOU FOR FUCK SAKE HOLY SHIT WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS I SWER TO FUC———………..it’s a great fic please give it a try if you like to die a lot I don’t know if I mentioned this but newamsterdam’s characterization is everything I live and breathe for, lately (this fic is also the first of hers I read and the moment I decided I had a new fav author so)

Those Ten Moments by Kivea - I’m starting to notice the names sorta keeps on repeating - anyWAY Kaminari trying to make Kirishima see that his crush is requited, what a good fic it’s so much fun??? So many silly lighthearted shenanigans??? And Kaminari is beautiful in this??? Constantly #blessed tbh

you looked at me by shizuumi151 - okay this is N/SFW. And it’s actually mostly a pwp, which are usually Not My Thing. But this fic. My man this fic. Holy shit. It’s definitely one of my favorite Bakushima out there, like, possibly in my top five? Probably, I love it that much - at this point I made it clear I love this author’s way of portraying them so much, but the characterization in this one is so good? And they’re so… warm? And loving? I mean fuck they barely even know each other and still there’s so much attraction written in such a good way I might have read this fic one too many times okay. I don’t know if pwp’s are your thing. But even if they aren’t try this one out. Seriously.

parted, and never parted by Authoress - this list is getting too long so I’ll just drop the Bakushima side of this author’s AO3 page here and beg you to read everything they’ve written for them - I know I’ve said it a lot already but trust me they are worth your time. The fic I linked is a fantasy AU with God of War!Bakugou and Soldier!Kirishima, and it might maybe be my fave between the ones they’ve written? It’s one of those fics that stay with you even just for the visuals they evoke tbqh

the sunshine people by dellsey - no quirk/zumba instructor!Kirishima AU and aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh This Fic Holy Shit it’s so warm? So much fun? So much fluff? Sunshine is actually a perfect word to describe this fic, it’s… a comfort fic, the type of fic you read when you need Serious Picking Up, I don’t know how many of my days this fic has saved since the first time I read it

2 A.M. by cityboys - yo would you look at that another author that turns into gold everything they touch - how do I even begin to describe this fic. It’s. A restaurant AU. It’s super long, with an incredible plot, amazingly detailed descriptions, very good platonic interactions aside from the Literally Perfect Bakushima in it. When I read this fic the first time I literally pulled an all nighter to go through it all in one go - I kept on telling myself okay now I’ll stop and yet. It’s that sort of good. This is. A really good fic.

you and I might just be the best thing by poteto - no quirk/college AU with pining Kirishima this fic is??? So much fun??? I’ve read it so many times?? Kirishima is such a damn disaster in this??? He’s a mess and Bakugou’s confused by his antics for most of the fic I love it this fic is what Good Feelings look like when written down

Can you f believe how many titles I just dropped, and it’s not even all the ones I have in my bookmarks - okay now for what I’m following, I’m actually following nearly everything that’s regularly updating atm, but since this list is long enough as it is I’ll just drop you the names of my faves? Yeah, let’s go for that

The potential of you and me [NOW COMPLETE] by Claus_Lucas -  this fic isn’t even done with and it’s already between my bookmarks can you believe - it’s a neighbours AU, only one chapter out and should be done with the next, it made me really happy to read? Kirishima’s such a ball of pure sunshine in it? I love it

his is the sun [NOW COMPLETE] by bwyn - a soccer team/soulmates AU and when I bookmarked this one it was supposed to be done with but looks like there’s another chapter incoming after all!!! What a good!!!! I’m weak to soulmates AU so sometimes I can be a bit biased towards them, but this one is a really good one! Bakugou is… such a fucking idiot… gods 

I let you go, hoping that you’d come back by shiro_yuu - a Single Dad Bakugou Future AU - actually, what I’m really loving in this fic is the way Bakugou and Kirishima have to act around each other? They used to be together but then broke up, so now it’s ten years in the future and they’re still totally smitten but unsure over whether they should try to go for a relationship again and sure the other doesn’t want a relationship anyway - it could have turned into lots of awkwardness and angst, but instead they’re so… familiar? And loving? In the way they look at each other and touch each other and talk to each other, it has a really good atmosphere I’m really liking that about this fic

Electric Moment by cityofnumbersix - a band AU! In which the band members are Kirishima Jirou Denki and Sero and Bakugou’s just joining them - also Mina’s there with them always even though she’s not actual part of the band - it’s!!! The full squad!!!! It’s what got me to try this fic out to begin with honestly. Everyone’s definitely more sexual than what my headcanons for them are, but the squad interactions in this one are Good (the Baku&Jirou interactions are giving me life???) so I’m always super happy when it updates!

slow it down (go easy on me) [NOW COMPLETE] by newamsterdam - ofc I’m following newamsterdam’s current fic, psh - also, hi asma, this fic is stressing me the fuck out (I love it to bits). It’s a Bakugou-gets-sent-to-the-future-and-keeps-it-a-secret fic which is a trope I live for, but also secrets make me go in Constant Impending Doom mode so I need to psyche myself up for hours before I can actually click on the new chapter when it’s out. This fic is making me cry and playing with my heart and I’m loving every second of it, but what am I even saying this for ofc it is and ofc I am

The Lost Continent by cattchi and paglycos - uhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah this is super N/SFW. It’s a pirates AU, and tbh I like the world building and the way it’s written a lot, so I’m leaving this here like, hey this fic is maybe a bit too much on the n/sfw side for my tastes and some things Bakugou does in the beginning make me go w h y, but I’m interested in the plot enough to go :O!!! when I see an update so have it! If you’re more into sex than I am you might seriously enjoy it - do read the tags before deciding if you want to read it, tho!

Tonight, We’re The Sea [NOW COMPLETE]by idratherhaveyou - I can’t believe I forgot to mention this fic this is my favorite fic out of the ongoing ones - it has beautiful sceneries, perfectly written characters (the way Kirishima’s low self-esteem is portrayed gives me life and Bakugou’s awkwardness in dealing with people makes me warm) the interpersonal relationships are all AMAZING (I live for Sero and Kiri’s friendship? And Mina is so good too - Kaminari’s got a weird relationship going on with Bakugou too, such a good way of bringing their canon relationship in the AU!!) and the way Kirishima and Bakugou’s relationship is evolving is so natural - I really recommend trying this one out, it makes me giddy every time it updates

Burn Like The Sun [NOW COMPLETE] by Kivea - if you’re looking for a bakusquad fic this is the fic for you, it’s all five of them being dorks and loving each other so much and tbh that’s what I love this fic so much for - that, and the literally perfect way in which Bakugou and Kirishima are made to fall in love. It’s super slow burn, but the both of them care for each other deeply since nearly the beginning in an open and obvious way and it’s such a pleasure to watch them navigate their very intimate friendship, too. It’s a firefighters AU by the way! And it has really great Bakugou and Deku and Bakugou and Uraraka interactions too, so if you’re into that you’re gonna love this. Also a very brief mention of Tetsu/Kiri, but there too it mostly boils down to friendship in the end. I love this fic, I’m sure it’s gonna be between the ones I’ll suggest to everyone once it’ll be done~

[miss-noo-na]

I Think I Like It (Part 1)

Part: 1 / 2 /

Title: I Think I Like It

Featuring: Kai (EXO) x Reader

POV: First person

Genre: Fluff and teasing, eventual smut?

Rating: PG-13 for now

Summary: It was supposed to be a reclusive summer getaway at a family beachouse, until Jongin showed up.

I’d  already packed all my bags and was getting into the car when my sister, May, dropped the bomb.

“A couple other people are coming.”

I’d  be spending part of my summer break at a beach house my aunt and uncle owned. They were out of town and left the two of us a key to the place, where I’d hoped to get some reading done, take morning dips in the ocean mere feet from the property, and catch up on some Netflix shows. Instead, my sister was going to turn it into party central.

“I’m not going.” I said, pulling my bag back out of the car. She huffed and rolled her eyes.

“Oh, come on! It’s only a few people, and we’re not going to be rowdy, I promise. They just want somewhere to go relax, too.”

I eyed her steadily, squinting, silently telling her I’d kill her if she got up to any funny business

“Who?” I asked, knowing which of her friends I could tolerate and who I would walk out for.

“Just the gang, you know…” She rattled off a few girls’ names, then two guys.  I felt a streak of anxiety shoot through me when I heard “Jongin”

I  would never admit it to anyone, not even myself, that I had a little bit of a crush on my sister’s friend. He was too gorgeous for words and everyone knew it, and it was only made worse by the fact he was also sweet and mild-mannered in comparison to my sisters other friends. I wasn’t sure if I could handle sharing a house with him for a few weeks.

I thought of the alternatives, staying at home in my shoebox of an apartment, wrapped up in my blankets and only having the city sounds surround me instead of the crashing of the ocean waves. Or I could go to my parents, and listen to my mom nag about every.little.thing and my dad tell me the same god damn story 10 times over.

“Fine.” I threw my bag back into the car. I’d have my own space; I’d already claimed the guesthouse right next to the main beach house, so if things got too crazy I could always retreat.

On the drive to the house my nerves had calmed some; I could still have the relaxing getaway of my dreams if I just kept to myself.  The breeze through the car window, the chill tunes on the radio, I was slowly easing back into my vacation state of mind.

Unfortunately, it didn’t last long.

The “gang” was already there waiting when we pulled up, and I hesitated to get out of the car. I watched May jump out first, greeting them with enthusiastic hugs. I recognized the girls and the other male, and then of course there was Jongin.

He leaned against the car they came in, smiling, all bronze skin and dark hair, and that little wisp that fell to the side of his eye, lookin’ like Elvis or James Dean. I lingered on him a little too long and he must have felt it from all the way over there, because suddenly he was looking at me and I pretended to be super interested in the radio then

After a couple seconds, when I thought it was safe, I looked back up and almost jumped 10 feet out of my skin because he was suddenly at the driver side window.

“Hey,” he laughed, hands in his pockets, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Its fine, I, uh” I was mumbling, looking around the car, being a general mess. “How are you?” I mustered.

“I’m good,” He nodded, being his way too friendly self. “I haven’t seen you in awhile. I didn’t know you’d be coming.”

It had been awhile since I’d seen him, maybe a year? Of course my sister failed to mention that I was coming. I was already starting out as a tag-along.

“I’ll be in the guesthouse, so you probably won’t be seeing much of me,” I half-smiled, trying to be lighthearted.

“That’s too bad” He said, grinning as he started to walk backward. I watched him, my face falling. That sounded an awful lot like flirting and I was not having it. There was no way I was falling for this false sense of attention from him.

I finally got out of the car, awkwardly greeting my sisters friends before I shuffled inside the guesthouse with my belongings. It was cute. The walls were painted light blue with pastel nautical décor, a small living room area with a couch and tv, a breakfast nook, a half-kitchen, and down the hall a simple bedroom with a watercolor bedspread, nightstands with mermaid lamps and a desk. I immediately set up my laptop and put away my things. After I was done, I collapsed back on the bed, sighing.

As I lay there, I heard shrill laughter from outside and lulled my head toward the open curtains. I had a great view of the beach, but right now I saw my sister’s friends frolicking around the sand. Jongin caught one of the girls by the waist and spun her around, both of them laughing. I stood and promptly closed the curtains.

I dinked around until the sun set, when May texted me that there was food in the main house she’d ordered in. I wondered if I could slip in for my plate and slip back out all stealthy like, avoiding all human interaction.

As I walked into the beach house, I remembered how big it was, with vaulted ceilings and chic décor. It was nice, but I still preferred my little house next door.

May and her friends sat at the breakfast bar, talking up a storm and mostly ignoring me, for which I was thankful. I made myself a plate and was starting back toward the door when I heard my name.

“You aren’t staying for dinner?”

I turned and was surprised to see it was Jongin talking to me. I stood there for a moment, wondering if I should make up an excuse and dip out.

“Yeah, come and sit down.” May waved, and I groaned internally as I shuffled to the edge of the bar and sat down near Jongin who was at the end. He smiled at me as I came over, and I forced one back at him.

They kept talking, catching up on everything that had happened since they all got together as a group. I admit, some of the stories were pretty funny and I found myself engaged in them, even laughing a little. Out of all the people my sister could have invited, she picked the right ones.

“How’s school?”

Jongin had turned his head to me, speaking a little lower so I’d know he was talking to me.

“It’s alright I guess” I shrugged, wondering why he was taking any interest at all in my life. I knew he was a personable guy, even a bit shy sometimes, which totally betrayed his appearance. However, I didn’t understand his going out of the way to talk to me. Maybe he felt sorry for me as the only non-friend in the house. I was, as always, viewed as the little sister following in tow of May. I needed to find a gentle, friendly way to tell him I really didn’t care about being included.

“Do you like college?” He asked, and he sounded so genuine in his curiosity. I knew he wasn’t in school, pursuing something more creative in his life, which honestly sounded about ten times more exciting than what I was doing, so I don’t know why he asked.

“It was rough at first, but I’m getting the hang of everything.” I nodded, pushing my food around my plate.

“It’s probably fun, meeting new people and learning what you want.” He said, almost wistfully, and I shrugged again.

“I guess.”

I was the worst at conversation. All conversation. Ever.

As I was cleaning my plate, I heard something about a fire, which did sound kind of nice, but I had a date with my bed.

“Are you coming?” Jongin asked, appearing next to me. I almost jumped again.

“I think I’m going to turn in early.” I said, drying my hands.

“Aw, really?” He said, sounding disappointed. I nodded, saying something about how I was tired from the long ride here, which was partially true.

I curled up in bed with my laptop, trying to concentrate on my shows, but I kept getting distracted by the sounds of their chatter and laughter outside, and the low murmur of their radio. Maybe I was being a bit too anti-social, but the last thing I wanted on this vacation was social interaction and slapping a big fake smile on my face so I seemed normal and pleasant around my sister’s friends, as not to appear rude.

 Jongin being so nice to me was not helping, at all. His sweet disposition only served to make me feel guilty, and at the same time…something else. I liked the attention he paid to me, in a deep-seated way that came from a place I knew but denied, yet at the same time I was acutely aware that he only did it because that’s the kind of person he was, and not because he had any real interest in getting to know me. This mix of emotions made me feel…icky. It was the best word I could think of to put to this strange gut feeling.

I elected to ignore all of it as much as possible, and try to concentrate on me and what this trip was supposed to be about. Luckily their little pow wow fizzled out and I was able to drift off to an exhausted sleep, that unfortunately included a few dreams about a certain boy.

[crimsonworkplace]

The Unfortunate side-effects of Karyoke

So on the a6 tumblr @andromeda-six  I saw one of the ask saying Aya liked singing and singing poorly and it inspired this short story with Aya and F!traveler set between chapters three and four (also on ao3)

Though it probably comes as a surprise to pretty much no-one, there isn’t that many forms of entertainment aboard a moving spaceship. While I enjoyed looking out the window as much as the next guy, it gets a bit old after a few days and we’d been in transit near a week. Suffice to say, I was getting a bit antsy with my isolation. Despite this fact however, I was still felt a bit of hesitation when I stepped out of my room and it was mainly due to my reluctance to interact with the crew. While yes, the response over my identity had been mostly positive, I still couldn’t shake the fact that my father had pretty much been responsible of most of the tragedy in their lives. That when they looked at me they saw his eyes, his jaw, his face, and my inaction. I know I did, it’s a good thing there aren’t many mirrors on board.

Thankfully, it seemed like most of them were in their rooms at this time, so my little walk around the ship was rather uneventful. I don’t think I could deal with any of them at the moment, even the ones who had been nice to me so far. I think the kindness almost made it all harder than if they all just hated me, or better yet, listened to Damon and turned me in so I wouldn’t have to feel the overwhelming guilt of indirectly hurting them even if she assured me it was fine and didn’t change anything and she enjoyed the kiss. That stray thought almost made me trip on the staircase. So, I suppose if we’re being honest, while I do truly feel bad for all of them, there’s been a certain crewmember at the forefront of my mind since pretty much that first night.

Ayame Ikeda had the unfortunate effect over me that caused me to feel feelings leaving me a flustered mess on the best of days. Her flirtations hadn’t stopped once she found out who I was, in fact, it seemed to her nothing had changed at all and I was still someone she enjoyed friendly teasings and making blush until the day of the Valen festival. That day it felt like something… changed in the air between us. She asked about love and I got a deeper look in the pain she kept so skillfully hidden. She deserved love and someone to help with the hurting, she deserved the entire universe and I told her. That was also the moment when I realized I could never be the one to give it to her. She deserved better than the naïve princess that let her planet burn and I was determined to hold back my feelings and do everything in my power to help her find that person worthy of her. My unwavering declaration lasted about ten seconds before I kissed her. Like a moron. This set in motion the slight change in our normally lighthearted dynamic, there was a bit more weight on the flirting. My response was to stay away, avoid her and maybe the feelings there would go away too and we could focus on finding someone actually good enough for her. That was my heads’ plan. My feet however had taken advantage of my deep overthinking and led me right to the bridge.

I’d noticed in time to not be spotted by anyone, and very stealthily attempted to sneak back the way I came when I heard Aya yelling and was overcome with the need to make sure she was ok, and honestly, I really should of just walked away to save myself the mortification of bursting in on Aya when she was singing (note, not screaming because she was in danger, but singing, you know, like a normal person.) Causing her to yell out in alarm causing me to yell out in alarm tripping over one of the seats up there. 10/10 recon mission Peg’asi, you saved the day. I managed to pick myself up from the chair in time to come face to face with a concerned looking Aya.

“What happened? Are you ok?” she asked looking me over. “ Yeah, yeah, I’m fine” I answered attempting to brush her off “ Jeez, you almost scared me half to death, what was that about?” she questioned after noticing I was fine to which I cleverly responded taking away from my previous blunder and charming Aya along the way: “I uhh, you weren’t in trouble. Keep singing, it was great. Goodbye.” Or I could just respond with that instead, we’re really batting a thousand today aren’t we? I turned away to go back to my room, or the airlock when I felt a hand on my arm and turned around to see her laughing at me. “Aww not you too!” The puzzled look on my face made her laugh again before continuing “most of the crew has… opinions on my singing, I figured I’d at least have you on my side!” she said with a mock pout. “I am! I said it was great!” “Oh yeah, that admission was sooo convincing” she said dryly giving me her little smirk. You’re a jerk Peg’asi, fix this! “No, no, come on it was great let’s keep going!” I moved closer to the music source and started vocalizing along to the song. I think I’d heard it before, but not enough to know the lyrics which made Aya laugh again “Wow, ok, you definitely aren’t allowed to make any more comments on my singing.”  “I can sing! I just don’t know this one” “Really?” She challenged, giving me a grin “Absolutely” I said matched with one of my own. “My angelic voice would make you weep.” “Alright then angel” despite the sarcasms, the emphasis on angel made me blush as she walked over to the music device and gestured for me to sit on the seat next to her. “Pick something and let’s see what you got.” She winked.

Now, between you and me, I don’t really have an “angelic” voice, it’s decent enough I suppose, but the real reason I was being so boastful was to make sure Aya wasn’t insulted over my reaction to her earlier performance. Does she seem the type to really mind such things? No, but it never hurts to make sure. And maybe there was also a part of me that missed spending time with her, but we’re not going to acknowledge that now, or ever hopefully. “You’ve been staring at my playlist for a while, do you really not recognize any of it? No normal music allowed up in your castle?” Aya’s voice drew me out of my thoughts. “No, just making sure I get the right one to properly astound you with my skills” I winked at her “Oh of course maestro please take another twenty minutes finding the proper piece” she said sarcastically, but I could still hear the smile underneath the words. Still, her playful overexaggerating did have a point and I hurriedly selected the first song I was semi-confident I knew the lyrics to. It was a pop-y love song from a few years back and sitting up straighter in my seat I stretched out my arms and began a bombastic performance, which only lasted a few seconds before Aya bursted out laughing in the seat next to me.

“This is what was hyped up? I expected better!” “Better? Ugh, the indignity! I think you’re just jealous of my superior talent!” I responded continuing in my overdrawn attitude to which she laughed again to, brighter this time. It’s really nice hearing her laugh like that. “Let’s hear you then, since you seem so convinced you could do better”  I said to which she met with a stare before beginning in her unique Aya voice and fixing me with a look I returned while resuming my own singing. Our duet probably wouldn’t get us invited to preform at anything official, but I still loved the way our voices sounded together, the slight jeering one would give the other when we stumbled over a line from laughing to much or smiling too wide. Near the end of the song was a long note we began together but I quickly dropped off after looking over at her. Her eyes were closed and she was belting out the note with such a free and happy look, one that made it seem like she had momentarily forgot all the pain she normally keeps hidden down, one I hadn’t seen since the Valen festival and it was the most beautiful thing I had seen in my entire life. I wanted justice, wanted to do right by the galaxy, but more than all that, I wanted to make the freedom in her face now a permanent fixture of it and I would do anything to make it so.

Aya noticed my voice had dropped out and my silent, awed staring “Careful there, you might tempt me to sing more often if I know it could make you make that cute little look” she teasingly smirked at me and I, the fool, responded slightly breathless with red cheeks and without thinking “You should, you look absolutely beautiful while singing” which caused the teasing to pause and a slight blush to grow on her face, mirroring my own. “Haha, really?” she said trying to tame her blush and steer the conversation back to a lighthearted back and forth, for my sake or her’s I couldn’t tell. “Don’t think I forgot what happened earlier-” “It was still true then.” I cut her off quietly, unable to look her in the face but wanting to make sure she knew. I bet she was used to the ribbing for her singing, but it seemed to make her smile, genuinely smile, and I wanted to support everything that made her happy. Like she deserves I thought to myself while finally meeting her eyes again. This moment between us felt more than playful bantering or casual flirtation and it scared me how these feelings kept going and how I doubted I would ever be enough for her. Thankfully, she spoke again defusing the tension “Well, I guess I’ll have to add a singing portion to the private show I owe you” she winked. “Oh my goodness” I said getting up to retreat from her brazen flirts. As much as I loved spending time with her, I was grateful for the out, I didn’t want to stay too long and do something either of us would regret later. Before I could get too far away, I felt her hand on my arm again, gentler this time with a genuine smile on her face as she said “I did really have a good time, we should do it again sometime.” “Yeah, we should” I replied with a genuine smile of my own. She gave my arm a soft squeeze before turning back to piloting the ship. I don’t think my smile left my face for the rest of the day. I’m screwed.

If you’ve made it this far thank you so much for reading! This is the first time I’ve written something like this so any feedback would be greatly appreciated but don’t feel any pressure! I hope you have a fantastic day!

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

I Think I Might Die Alone 23, M Every relationship I’ve entered has fallen part. The first, I didn’t even know what a relationship was, I was a 6th or 7th grader who had no idea what Love was and was still trying understand why I snapped into an all consuming rage at the slightest provocation. That relationship ended as abruptly as it started, and I didn’t mind, because I never saw her, and I had no interest in trying to.

The second one was more of the same, she saw me once, thought I was cute, and I was down, but I never saw her and she quickly abandoned that notion of “us”.

The third time I ever tried being with someone, we lasted for two weeks, then her chick friends beat me and kicked me, and she broke up with me because I wouldn’t hit another person (little did they know I had always struggled with anger management, and I knew that letting myself slip would result in being permanently removed from that school).

The fourth wasn’t even a full blown relationship. I fell very hard and very fast for a girl that I felt linked to, and she had no interest in me, instead using me to scope out guys and read them (I’ve always been good with vibes and reading people).

A lot of my friendships continued in this manner (to the point where I just feel used in all my relationships, platonic or romantic, and I don’t feel anything for anyone) up until the last few years.

I tried having a relationship with the mother of my kids, but she cheated on me, physically and emotionally abused me, and refuses to see what she truly did wrong, or to take responsibility for the messes she has made.

I can’t even have normal relationships with people any more, because I don’t know what they want from me, what they need in general, etc. all I want to do is help people, and to be loved in as lighthearted and deep a manner as possible. I just want to be stimulated, entertained, and to be busy. I don’t mind if people are boring, so long as they don’t just let me get bored and ignore me and only communicate when they want something from me. I miss when people would hit me up and invite me to things, or send me a message to see how I’m doing because I’m always asking how others are and rarely volunteer information about myself.

Mostly, I miss having a group of friends I could rely on to have my best interest at heart, like a family, but outside of blood relation. I miss that dearly.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this…

I had a crush on this girl, Hanna. She reminded of my own energy in human form, like someone had stripped away everything about me but had left my energy behind and let it manifest into a human female. And I was absolutely interested. I wanted to go walking with her, go smoke weed and cigarettes with her, go hiking with her, go hang out with her family with her. She didn’t really seem to mind. I loved her sense of humor, because it was like she was constantly trying to one up everyone but I was always a step ahead of her, and she’d give me this look like I read her mind and she knew that I knew. It was so intense, I wanted to explore the world with her.

Then one day I got a little sideways in my humor and started combining sarcasm, excessively snarky dryness, and a bit of a weird lick of sidehumor, because I was thinking about this episode of SNL where Stefan was going on about a club that had human furniture (people tied up in various poses, used as furniture) and I thought it was funny and I didn’t preface my joke with the source material, (she had mentioned that she loved SNL, so I assumed she’d seen the Episode in question) and she didn’t respond for hours, then went off on me for being a narcissistic, egotistical selfish person who has never been kind to anyone, and I considered crying but at that point I’d already sunk pretty deep into depression. I’m still there and it’s been over a year, and I’m just tired of getting stuck with the crazy girls or the super creepy gay dudes, the people that treat me like shit/trash/a meatbag, just because I rarely express my emotions unless it’s in the moment, I actually observe and truly see things for what they are without judging, and I have some nice cheekbones. That’s where all these things come from, and to be honest, I’m pissed. Us human beings shouldn’t treat each other like trash, especially because we find someone attractive. I’m timid as F$ck because I don’t see myself as attractive, I see myself as breathing. I see others as attractive, but all I want is to experience them as a person, intellectually, emotionally, physically (through my senses). And If I like someone’s energy, their voice, their eyes, and their vibe, I can have them around in my life, but it makes it really awkward trying to explain that I need to acclimate to someone first. I actually tend to avoid going out nowadays because I’m just tired of being let down or treated like filth. I don’t know what to do because I’m a very social person and the only person I have in my life outside my family is approximately fourty IQ points below me, because I can accurately predict any given twenty four hour span he will go through, and he can’t have a deep discussion about something to save his life, which is fine but disappointing. I love him, because he’s super straightforward, honest, helpful, fun and silly, but he doesn’t stimulate me quite the way I’d like. And yet I can’t find anyone else. The dude I called my best friend over the last few years has been using me and recently bailed on being my friend because “you gave my girl a look like you liked her or something” (seeing as she tried to fight me about four hours after she met me, and it took me a year to get used to her being really brutally mean sometimes, me being able to appreciate the positive parts of her personality should be celebrated), “you made a mysterious Facebook post about a girl” (yeah, the enigmatic frontwoman of a band I recently saw. Her birthday is 3/21, she’s got the bluest eyes I have ever seen and I swear to god I had a dream about her and I together), and “you left my band practice to go drink with her.” (I left the band practice to go home and eat because I hadn’t all day, and then she hit me up saying that guys were all over her and she wanted her boyfriend and friends there, so I was supposed to get over there. I hit up the boyfriend/best friend and he said I’ll be there in ten. I live five minutes from the bar walking. I was there before him. And then he didn’t show up for another half hour. And then he’s mad at me the whole night, though he never said why.)

I’m tired of being the person that everybody thinks their spouse is sleeping with on the side. I’m tired of being the guy who has people attempting to fight him because he happens to be y’all and vaguely hispanic looking. I’m tired of people having problems with me for reason that are either in their head, based off of alcohol, or both. It’s not fair to me that I get shit on by nearly everyone in my life, and nobody has the guts to just fricking apologize for treating me like shit.

I guess that’s everything.

hey there (: honestly, a long answer short? you’re not likely to die alone, not unless you choose to. 

if you want to look at it from that perspective, then all my relationships have failed as well! I’m 24 and single (ish) haha, I’ve been in multiple relationships and none of them have worked out. would you say to me “you’re going to die alone” when you and I are in the same circumstances? probably not q: and even though the exact details of how and why we’re both single and our relationships haven’t worked may vary? it all really comes down to perspective, how you choose to view those relationships and what those endings mean, what you can learn from them. 

your past relationships haven’t worked out, so what?! that doesn’t mean you’re going to die alone, that just means that you haven’t met the right people who are compatible with you. maybe what it could take for a relationship to work out is a step back and to examine why those past relationships haven’t worked, what personality traits to avoid? I’m not sure! yes your past relationships haven’t worked out, yes there’s reasons for that, no that doesn’t mean you’re destined to be alone forever. 

you mentioned what you want in a relationship / friends (...” I want to do is help people, and to be loved in as lighthearted and deep a manner as possible”) and it’s good to know what you want! but you also said that you’re never sure what people want from you -- and if that’s the case then you need to ask. communicate!! words and conversation are key, they’re so so important because it gives everyone involved clarity and it’s much less likely miscommunication occurs. 

I think I may have mentioned this once before to you, so apologises if I’m repeating myself! but if you want to be stimulated, entertained and busy in regards to people in your life? meet new people, do new things and choose new ways to meet people that share common interests, see where that goes! you said that you want to help people and to be loved passionately and care for in a genuine manner right? so actively look for positive, kind, caring and like-minded people to spend time around, use meetup.com to meet some new people who share things in common with you or check out your local community centre, things like that. get out of the city, the state, the country if that’s what it takes! I moved from australia to london 6 months ago and it was a huge change, it made me realise how unhappy and unstimulated I was living in melbourne and how much I needed to change my environment and the people around me! obviously moving to the other side of the world can be a logistical nightmare and not accessible for everyone, but if you can make some change to your physical environment and move somewhere else, a different suburb, town? then do so, it can make the world of difference. 

change the people in your life, block all contact with people who treat you in a shitty way for no reason. take a step back and look at what you could do differently for future relationships / friendships to be more positive and fulfilling, know that you’re not going to die alone. all the best xx

- tash