#this is why i wish my best friend didnt live multiple states away and why i wish i had like any close friends here or a bf/gf to come spend

[sluttyten]

who goes ding dong ditching in my neighborhood at this time of night?

[maccreadysimp]

breaking down this anti-ian article bc it bothers me ( from the child of a bipolar mother and a male teen with same sex attraction ) while also providing valid reasons ian sucks ( from someone who likes ian )

ive had this drafted for a while so i dont think i cover anything from season 11

tw for i^cest and r^pe

he was with a married man

in this point it points out that he was with kash and he continued his relationship with kash even after linda put cameras in the store

“Ian didn't seem to care about how wrong his affair with Kash was or how much it could hurt Kash's wife Linda, whom he saw at the store regularly. “

that is a quote from that part.

ian gallagher was fifteen in season one, kash was an older man who bought him gifts and payed attention to ian ,, that was not on ian , none of that was ian fault because he was a child

ian wasnt open with lip

“ Ian didn't tell Lip about his preferences and forced Lip to figure it out on his own. Lip was instantly accepting of his brother's truth and even offered to help him figure out any confusion he might be harboring, so it's really strange that Ian wasn't just upfront with his closest confidant from the start.”

no , lip wasnt forced to figure it out on his own and he also wasn’t instantly accepting.

in this point it mentions that ‘they’re extremely close ( bestfriends and brothers ) so its strange ian didnt tell him’

like point 1 , ian is a fifteen year old boy, growing up on the southside , and thoughout the show it has mentioned multiple times that the southside isnt that accepting

back to lip -- lip wasnt accepting, sure he was fine but ‘helping your younger brother figure it out’ by having a (female) classmate give him a blowjob isnt helping

he secretly dated his best friends brother

“Most friends have an unspoken rule about not dating each other's siblings, but Ian broke this rule by secretly entering into a relationship with Mandy's closeted brother Mickey.”

the only thing i have to say about this is , he was still with kash and mickey was a boy in his age group who was gay , growing up in the southside ian probably thought he was the token gay so of course hes going to chase after mickey

he stood by as kash attacked mickey

“Ian didn't do anything to stop Kash from shooting his new lover, and didn't even tell the police about his boss' over-the-top display of jealous action so proper justice could be served.”

okay. because two men he had fallen for had gotten into a fight, there was a gun involved and he panicked, in the end after mickey got shot he went to him

now to address the quote, he didnt say anything to the police because he probably knew that that would bring shame onto kash and his family, along with mickey and his family who are very homophobic

oh yeah and it was like 2011 and cops suck and THEY LIVE ON THE SOUTHSIDE

he and lip tried framing terry milkovich

oh the homophobic and racist dad of his boyfriend and bestfriend who tried to kill him and r*ped his daughter ?

yeah , shit man , that was real bad they shouldn’t have done that /s

he dated jimmy-steves married father

“Ian didn't bother telling Jimmy the truth about his father and didn't end his relationship with Lloyd upon finding out that he had a secret wife and family, either.”

at this point ian is probably sixteen but that doesnt matter bc i wont even address that

he met him at a club and then used his relationship with ned to make mickey jealous which was one of the reasons he kept seeing him, he didnt tell jimmy-steve about the relationship or his father bc he shouldnt find out from him he should find out from his father , again like kash, ned was an older man who payed attention to ian and ned later did develop feelings feelings for ian

he stole lips identity to enlist in the army

he enlisted because he didnt know what to do with himself, its implied/stated that the army timeline was the start of his bipolar

“While impersonating Lip, Ian had tried to steal a helicopter and then proceeded to go AWOL.”

this is because of the bipolar he suffers from, it is referenced later in the series after he gets back and hes manic

ian refused to accept being bipolar

of course he didnt accept it, it is made very clear that his family thinks lowly of monica so of course if hes the lucky duck to get what his siblings demonize her for, of course he’ll not want to be it

“He refused to take medications that could alter his personality or mood.”

okay. this is why im making this whole post, this goes along with part 15 ( or so idk ) ,,

my mother , my dear mother, who is bipolar and doesnt take her meds because they are mood altering , my mom doesnt take med because she told me once that they make her feel like shit, she told me that a little after i was born she started taking them but realized she felt nothing, she felt nothing for my dad or for i ( making her numb )

she told me anti deppresents dont help either because when shes on them and manic it pushes her past productive and into angry

my dad told me that when my mom was on bi polar medication she would seem angry most of the time

he wasnt faitful to mickey

“Ian's bipolar disorder made him very reckless and impulsive and led him to be unfaithful.”

lets break that down.

ians. bipolar. disorder.

this plot point i actually didnt like, mainly bc ian never addresses it so ill give the article a point. but then i take away 2 because they have more of a problem with his bipolar messing with him rather than the fact he never apologized and they never worked it out

ian stole yevgeny

before i start quoting i should mention because his boyfriend, who has supported and helped him is suddenly telling him he needs help, he was helping raise yev so he’ll see yev as his own

“Ian failed to recognize just how crazy he was acting...”

cuting you off right there , he was in a bipolar state, he wasnt ‘crazy’ and isnt ‘crazy’

he cant even keep count of his number of partners

just slutshaming i see

he helped throw frank off a bridge

“His relationship with Frank was understandably never the same after that, as Frank struggled to get over this act of betrayal and cruelty.”

‘was never the same after that’ frank never liked ian, ian was probably his least favorite and that point is very apparent

also , it wasnt just ian , his siblings and his boyfriend caleb

he left a healthy relationship to be with mickey

he fell in love with mickey at 15 , mickey was a comfort and always someone to fall back on, when mickey was taken away and no longer in the picture his heart still obviously was with mickey and when mickey came back he didnt know what to do

he told mickey he had a boyfriend but because mickey has been such a constant in his life he finally has back of course he couldnt resist

he liked trevor, i could tell he did but trevor wasnt the one he watched get r^ped by a russian prostitute, he wasnt the one ian was secretly dating bc it would be a death wish other wise, he wasnt the one there when ian was manic or depressive ( at the start )

he tried blackmailing an old client for money

“Instead of raising the money in an honest manner, Ian chose to visit an old client from his time working at the Fairy Tail and blackmail him into funding the shelter.”

because he felt indebted to trevor and wanted to make it up to him, it would have taken longer to do it in ‘an honest manner’ when his sister would have gotten it instead, he knew how much gay youths like he once was needed a safe place

“He grew up wanting to be nothing like his father, but this whole money-making scheme was straight out of the Frank playbook”

because thats all he knows, he grew up with that ‘playbook’ so of course hes going to take a page out of it, he is nothing like frank , franks money making schemes are selfish and for his own greed while ian wanted the money to help build a safe space for lgbt youth

he let fame inflate his ego

of course he did, hes a southside kid who was destined to fail

also it is very apparent that during the gay jesus era he went off his medication which didnt help

“Before long, he just completely forgot about his ex and focused solely on being a deity”

as much as yes, he did let it mess with his head, he was trying to still help lgbt youth and was going against anti gay churchs , in the end it didnt work out for him because he was off his meds and went over board

he stopped taking his meds

see previous point and ‘ian refused to accept being bipolar’

he actually wanted to stay in prison

because he was doing good in there

ian was helping others and was spreading awareness about lgbt with in the prison , and as him and jail scenes go , we can see people were listening to him and he was trying to make it safe sane and consensual

he let down his army of followers

“Ian admitted that most of his actions were completely irrational and the mere results of his bipolar disorder.”

he didnt want to, we can see this, because he knew he would let down everyone, his family were the only ones to ever ground him and they knew it would be the best option for his own mental health

during the gallavich wedding we can see that a lot of his supporters still have his back because they must know how hard it was for him to put all of that success on something he can’t control

he constantly wasted his potential

this is actually the only point in this article i actually agree with , so only 1/20 i agree with

his relationship with mickey wasn’t actually great

“Mickey spent the first several years of their relationship denying his feelings for Ian.”

he was raised by a homophobic and racist father who he knew would react the way he did when terry had caught the two that one day

“Even after he finally embraced his true self, Ian's bipolar disorder kept them from becoming truly happy together.”

yes but mickey was there for him the entire time and helped him through it, he told him he loved him which was really big for him and did his best to care for him

“They couldn't seem to remain faithful to each other for more than a few weeks.”

back to the point about ians bipolar but for mickey he wanted monogamy , now that scene in s11 may say otherwise but it is very clear that he wants a monogamous relationship with ian and ian ( after getting help ) wants one too, and in the later seasons they are monogamous

“When Mickey asked Ian to run away to Mexico with him, Ian refused.”

he wanted to, it’s obvious, but ian has his family and didnt want to abandon them again, i think part of him knew he would see mickey again because they always find eachother, he gave mickey all of his money and wanted mickey to have a good life

“Their relationship was simply never healthy.”

no it wasnt, but thats why the ship is great in its own way, the gay closet kid raised by a homophobic man is obviously going to have a lot of baggage , and ian who is bipolar and struggling with himself will also have a lot of baggage , but in the end they love eachother and that really shows in season five and season seven specifically

that is all lol ,,, this is long sorry

now, i am not a ian apologist , i love ian but hes a dumbass sometimes

actual valid reasons ian sucks

genuinely believes frank is worse than terry

yes frank was definitely abusive but terry is definitely worse ,,

mentally/physically/sexually abusive , the whole nine yards

terry hired a prostitute to r^pe his son , threatened to kill him and ian on multiple occasions , r^ped his daughter who ended up pregnant and is actively racist

frank on the other hand will make gay jokes but in the end doesnt give enough of a shit , he has attacked his children on multiple occasions but not to the brutality that terry has ( this isnt me excusing it )

sorry ian , terry is worse

never apologized

he never apologized for all the shit he put mickey and his family through, never apologized to mickey for cheating on him , never apologized for all the manic and depressive episodes mickey endured with him

never apologized for walking away when he couldn’t handle it, in hall of shame mickey actually acknowledges this saying ‘its youre whole MO’

debbies sexuality

he has constantly made statements saying debbie isnt gay and that bothers me because , why does it care ? as a gay man and as a gay man who soent time with a lot of lgbt youth wouldnt he support his sister even if shes just ‘experimenting’?

in the recent season he doesnt seem to care and doesn’t say anything but it still bothers me

mickey only getting like 80% of his heart

okay look , i get what ian means when he says this , everyones hes been with has made him who he is but fucking hell dude ,, shut up , thats your husband , thats the love of your life you shouldnt be saying shit like that , especially to him

and then this man had the audacity to say mickey probably feels the same about past flings when he knows that ian is the only one hes probably ever been with/serious about

obviously there is probably more but those are the main ones that come to mind

—

before anyone brings up the trans or bi thing im going to explain my thought process for him

like ive probably mentioned multiple times he grew up southside and obviously only ever grew up with lgb and not t ,, trevor did inform him a lot and ian became supre accepting of everyone,, sexual preference isnt transphobic but i do think he approached the matter badly

now the bi thing , legit all i think is that he doesnt hate bisexual people its just that the man he really liked slept with a woman and never expressed any heterosexual attraction so it probably just suprised him and pissed him off because caleb did cheat on ian

—

if you read this far HOLY SHIT THANKS LOL ,, im not adding things that i think are pro about ian this was just me breaking down that article and giving my two cents :)

feel free to message me and talk to me or send me articles like this about any other character/relationship and i will totally break that one down too lol

thanks for letting me rant

[theunconcernedembalmer]

ok i got the aesvic out of my system now time to pick apart the letter n why i wont really be following aesops diary exactly here. literally no one asked but i wanted to get my thoughts down somewhere cos i have. a lot

just gonna put a quick rundown of aesops diary entry as a refresher (mostly for myself so i dont miss anything): he dreamt that he was helping jerry with what was probably a murder n was affirmed n he thinks its a sign congratulating him on carrying out his duty. over the years, he carries out his duties as an undertaker n comes to the manor looking for a “fresh start” aka what sounds like his first victim. according to aesop, said victim should be quiet, n potential victim number 1 is victor. something about badly needing him to become his “silent friend” n he mentions he’ll get to wick n the 2 other survivors in due time, but for now he’s very eager to start his “mission”.

im generally okay with the letter (i have seen so many fights over this aha) cos there is no surprise he wants to kill ppl (ppl who r fighting over this point. did u even read his deductions?? guy happily killed his mentor??). but i didnt quite like the fact that he still looks up to jerry (although. i guess thats valid i just. dont like it). i was also initially kind of confused about the real reason why he would want to kill ppl since as u progress through the letter it sounds less like he kills for duty (cos of the whole dream thing at the start) but more “because i want to :)”, which is an okayish edgy kinda take imo. like not that u cant characterize aesop as Kill Kill Murder Die, but i kinda find that. pretty boring in the long term.

im just gonna put what my original take on aesop was, like all of it. first off, he hates jerry. u cannot tell me a psychotic serial killer like that can raise a child without emotional trauma. like any child, this isnt even counting the extra damage done because hes autistic. (n i also hc that aesop has read his moms letter to him at some point, n he should have come to the conclusion that it was somewhat also jerrys fault, whether through logic or denial that his mom would want to leave him, so that just adds to it.) but as much as he hates him, his teachings are the only ones hes been exposed to, n its been so ingrained in him since young so even if he hates jerry he would still subscribe to whatever twisted ideology jerry was feeding him, which ill get to in a sec.

going through his accessories, he has that origami that he folds for each of his clients, n it shows that underneath it all, aesop is still kind. this isnt expected of him n its definitely not part of his job scope as an embalmer. he (still?) has the heart to wish the best for those that have departed n takes the time n effort to fold one for each n every client he sends off, which is probably a lot. so going off on that, my hc is that jerry, being the manipulative asshole that he is (who probably definitely manipulated his mom into indirect suicide) probably used his kindness against him to make him believe that by murdering ppl he is helping them, framing all of his serial kills as a sort of mercy kill (like his mom). so the thing that aesop takes away from all this is the very twisted logic that by killing ppl he is helping them, therefore being a good embalmer and a good person in general. n everyone wants to be a sort of good person, or at least for aesop that is part of his job description to be a good embalmer. n we all know aesop is very serious about his job.

i also hc that he has killed several ppl between killing jerry n coming to the manor, cos i follow the story that he took the invitation from that poor lady n thats how he ended up at the manor. surely the lady didnt come to him right after jerry died?? but anyway, the way i see it is that he thought he liked to kill. like he finally truly understood why jerry kills so much (which is interesting now that i think about it. guy really just went along with all those murders without truly believing huh), because it felt good to kill. at least thats what he thought, the revelation that killing felt good n is good, but i say its because he hated jerry, n offing someone u kinda hate should probably feel pretty gucci. n its also so much easier to pick clients off the streets than in the manor, so i would think that he has killed ppl like his mentor did, but each time he did the great feeling that came with ending ppls life just. wasnt as good as the first time round. it just became a sort of normal satisfaction of a successful embalming.

this can go two ways: 1. he keeps on killing to try to find that great feeling again, which is cool i guess (n probably what canon would want, except canon states that he hasnt killed since jerry), but id like to go with 2. he just stops because jerry isnt around to enforce it whenever he isnt feeling up to psychoing someone to their death (which is probably how jerry got his victims, n damn if that doesnt take a lot of mind games that i dont think aesop has the mental capacity for since half of it is fighting with his social anxiety n other issues. dealing with alive strangers?? no thanks?? i doubt he would have learnt properly how to lure in clients as efficiently as jerry because of this, mostly cos he was only needed for the murder afterparty aka embalming n funerals). n as much as he stays professional, there is no. professional way of gaslighting someone to their death.

(n also since ppl have pointed out that his twitter replies n other kinda informal stuff have shown that aesop does have reverent respect for life, which also adds to him not being so blindly bloodthirsty as implied in the letter. i dont really see the twitter replies as very canon, but it does make sense that he would come to revere life with his unique take and obsession over death, for one cannot exist without the other)

so this leads me to the motive that aesop brings to the manor, at least how i see it. he isnt exactly coming to the manor to kill per se (like from the very early story, he came to the manor to return the letter to a relative of the deceased lady, something about respecting her last wishes. something like that, its really been a while since i saw that exerpt), so like killing ppl isnt his main purpose of visit. its more of hes always on the lookout for weaker (or at least those that take less mind games to kill) people to mercy kill, n it just so happens that he knows the manor n his mentor almost died from there, so theres a pretty good chance he can find some ppl that fall into this category n so it just so happens that he also has a job to do there. its still counted as a Job for him since no ones gonna tell him that embalmers dont actually. murder. 

so in my version, aesop only tries to sway ppl that he knows he can convince, n these ppl would typically be those very sickly ones like his mom (andrew im looking at u) or those with an actual death wish/ very weak will to live. but here aesop is choosing his “first victim”, and the criteria for that is... quiet? never mind “not evading him” and “not cranky” being on the list too, but that isnt quite what i was expecting from someone so dedicated to their duty of murder. sure he wants an easy first kill, but like. i dont think its consistent if his motive was really to continue jerrys bastard legacy. especially when the next paragraph is essentially him gushing over victor, that... sort of implies something else. or at least in the way i see it, since i believe that canon wants us to think that aesop just really loves to kill.

aesop likes victor. very much so. so much till he wants to kill him. which i guess makes sense cos he likes death, n now he likes victor. so he just. puts the two things he likes together. whats better than victor? dead victor. anyway the rest of the letter is more like “whatever, i technically should kill the others too but my priority is victor” so like. he confuses his (dare i say) yandere tendencies with his duty since the end goal for both is a body in a coffin.

having said that. i know i have aesvic brainrot but i also know this is one sided as hell (at least from the letter alone, not counting the letter shaped cookies in his birthday art that apparently belonged to victors birthday cake aha) n lowkey alarming since. the goal is to kill victor. i kinda want to interpret it as him genuinely wanting to be friends with victor (really wanting him to be a “silent friend”, maybe cos he doesnt actually know how to be friends with living ppl n is better with dead ones? therefore victor should be dead to be friends?) but not knowing how to n throwing in his obsession with death ends up with. this minor disaster waiting to happen. but i uh. dont know if this is valid. its valid to me at least, with my original interpretation of aesop. n again cos of his ingrained professionalism, he also kinda sees this as part of his job to send ppl off, so its another plus. not for victor, tho.

idk if ill add this yandere side in my aesop. i mean my boi has technically tried to kill victor multiple times in the past HAHAHAHA. maybe like sometimes he can be a bit obsessive. as a treat. but generally nah cos thats definitely gonna end up in a murder somewhere somehow n i cant. just kill victors here on the ask blog scene lashjflkjhdlfkjhas

so yeah that kinda takes care of the last part of the letter, as for the first part. as much as aesop hates jerry, i would also think hes pretty starved for affirmation (like i said jerry isnt going to be a good parent figure ever) n i guess it makes sense if the only times jerry has ever complimented him was aiding him in his kills n hiding the evidence, which might (?) add to his desire to kill (but that probably dies with jerry aha). so the way i see it as aesop is getting affirmation n takes it as a good sign instead of. remotely liking jerry. idk if im stretching it a little but i really dont like the take where hes okay with jerry. anyway we are ignoring that he hasnt killed before entering the manor cos that doesnt quite make sense to me (i wasnt dreaming about the letter from a lady stabbed in the face 36 times or so right???? right???????)

im also not like. trying to defend him, im just trying to make sense of his diary. boi has issues n is a little too far gone (not as far as canon tho), in my take very deluded in his way of showing kindness. literally cool motive still murder (or in canon, just murder?), please get therapy. but i just dont really like the direction that the letter was originally trying to imply, with him really just hell bent on murder without like. a clear motive (at least to me it isnt very clear since the last part really doesnt sound consistent with his supposed intentions). i mean i love being edgy with aesop every now n then but i dont think it would make for meaningful characterizations in the long run so. ill still be sticking with my original take on aesop with maybe a bit of yandere for victor cos thats always fun

[shyrose57]

2: I will figure it out eventually and that's a promise.

3: Watson is aboustely heart broken and near tears multiple times as well hearing Ran in so much distress and actually crying. Jackie does cry, he attempts multiple times to hug Ran and make it known he's there to comfort him, but it only works sometimes, and when it doesn't work Ran gets scared and tries to get away believing an attacker has gotten him. Grievous is almost like silently grieving, knowing he can't do anything to help his close friend. Cletus feels bad, and since he isnt too good with emotions, focuses on instead attempting to cheer everyone else up. Isaac and Benjamin feel awful as they feel at fault for letting it happen, so to hopefully help they make plans on how to make Ran as comfortable and safe as can be while also getting him to a nearby town they heard about to hopefully reverse it. Charles is doing his damn best to comfort Ran while also distracting him from his own thoughts, which mostly means Charles (and Watson) play the role of story teller for a while. Ranbob is the hardest hit by it, he's suffering so much because he so badly just wants to go over and hug his little brother and comfort him, tell him that it'll all be ok and that Bobby would protect him. But also knows he can't because he knows that would most likely do nothing but make it worse. For a while he spends his time blocking his ears and wrapped in a comfort blanket trying to comfort himself, as everyone else tend to his suffering brother. One thing that makes it harder is that Ran begins to purr to himself in a vain attempt to comfort himself (cause I personally like to think Enderman hybrids are like cats and purr like them, when their happy, content, comfortable, but also to soothe themselves and heal wounds), when Ranbob knows Ran's never purred, so knowing he's so desperate to try it now hurts him. 

You will get some comfort, like Watson manages to convince Ranbob to at least hug Ran, and Ranbob manages to purr alongside Ran a bit, which does actually help to calm Ran down. Ran getting wrapped up with the fluffiest blanket they have and always having Watson, Jackie, or Grievous by his side. With Jackie tending to hold his hand. 

4: All of the above. Sudden touch can be overwhelming to Ranbob at times, especially when he's not doing well mentally. Also while in this state, touch reminds him of the desperate grabbing and touching of the people he killed that tried to escape or fend him off. And Dream was able to hurt Ranbob by starving and dehydrating him of course, but when Ranbob was being particularly disobedient and tried to fight back Dream would often take control and cut or stab Ranbob then gave back control as punishment. 

10: It does get better! Idk if I already said but Kelalen is actually where they get the antidote for Rans blindness potion! And when their given it for free and it works, they become very grateful to Adler and Lucia (the one who actually convinced Adler to give them the potion in the first place cause it was the only one left). And a few days after they arrive they actually decide to explore the town, where they meet Siren and get more information on Dream and who he was, they also get their weapons and armor repaired by them. But while talking with Siren, Cletus and Grievous sneak off and run into Atlas, then Cletus and Grievous agree to help Atlas with his prank. But by the end of their second week in Kelalen the group starts to truly enjoy their stay, Ranbob often saying how it kind of reminds him of Mizu before everything happened. 

12: Thats funny though and is exactly how I'd want to be seen.

13: *CLAPS HANDS* OH BOY DO I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU. I RECENTLY TOLD MY FRIEND ABOUT RANBOB SEEING HIS DEAD FRIENDS AND FAMILY BUT FAILED TO TELL THEM IT WASNT ACTUALLY PART OF THE STORY. SO THEY TOOK IT LITTERALY AND THEY HAVE GIVEN ME IDEAS, WHILE ALSO HELPING ME REALIZE THAT THIS COULD ACTUALLY BE USED TO SET UP FOR RANBOB MOVING PAST HIS TRAUMAS AND CAN LEAD TO MORE FLUFF AND ANGST. SO NOW IT IS PART OF THE STORY, WITH CHANGES THAT IT HAPPENED DURING A DREAM AND HE DIDNT BELIEVE IT AND CONSIDERED IT A CRUEL JOKE BY FATE ITSELF AT FIRST. AND YES BY AT FIRST I MEAN THIS HAPPENS MANY MORE TIMES.

Also my friend has a message for you, "HahA THEY BETTER THANK ME I SET THEM UP FOR MORE MISERY 😈😈 /j" (I wanna be safe so if you don't know /j means that their joking)

14: Im not doing Foolish and Dream brothers because I personally don't like/get it. But I was thinking maybe they meet Foolish after Mripat tells them that there was a member of the SMP who was said to be a god and immortal. And after some long conversations they decide to go hunt for this apparently immortal god. Which takes a while since no one actually knows where he is, just that he likes deserts, and have to go off possible sightings or hints in history books. And when they finally meet him they manage to learn about totems (which they previously didn't know about) and even get some. They also learn that infact even during the SMP time no one quite knew what Dream was, and learns the ways the SMP tried to permanently get rid of him. Foolish is also devastated to know that Dream infact survived and becomes determined to help them. Even offering his help that if they ever go back to Mizu to face Dream, he'll come along and help in anyway he can. 

15: I like to imagine Edward remembers Ranboo as the young troubled enderman that he basically adopted and took care of. So Edward sees Ranboo in both Ran and Ranbob, so he offers his help and advice. Basically becoming their Grandad, telling stories about everything he's seen. Especially about Ranboo because Ranbob is so curious about his ancestor he just cant help but ask. One convo I've been particularly thinking about goes something like, "Edward: Older one, what do you think your brother thinks about you? Ranbob: I..I think he doesnt like me, and that he wants me gone. Edward: Hmm, your wrong. Ranbob: What? Edward: When I look at Ran, I see a child, not an adult yet, scarred, scared and traumatized. A child that wishes you two were closer, that he could forgive you and wants to believe you, just so you two could be family again. But is afraid too, for he already has a family, that he is terrified of losing, and is scared if he attempts to trust you again that they may leave him. But make no mistake, your brother wants to make amends, your brother cares about you and wants you happy. He knows deep down that he can trust you, and that you are innocent, but you all must help him acknowledge those parts, and stand by him, helping him walk when needed, as he traverses his own nightmares." AKA I really want Edward to be the reason Ranbob realizes that Ran does want to be family again but needs help. Cause if I had to describe the brothers current positions with their trauma it'll be, Ranbob-Knows he has trauma and is trying to get better and live with it, willingly getting help. Ran-Is fucking drowning in trauma cause he refuses to acknowledge he has it and hides it well most of the time, also doesn't ask for help. 

2: I fear the day.

3: Hahaha, ow, ow, ow. That, overall, is...heartbreaking. At the same time though, it’s sweet to see everyone pitching in to do their best and help him. We got it with Ranbob, now we get it with Ran.

I am curious, though. From what you’ve said, Blindness potions don’t wear off immediately? Why’s that?

4: *Chants* Please punch Dream. Please punch Dream. Please punch Dream. How do the fishermen deal with this, and help Ranbob?

10: Oh, god, Ran’s blind when they arrive in town. That’s definitely a high tension situation. Not only have you got him out of commission, but everyone else high strung from it, and probably having their protective instincts in overdrive when they randomly get treated hostilely. What exactly does an antidote for blindness consist of? Do most potions have antidotes, or counters? Is milk no longer used, or is that not a thing in the AU? It does sound nice that they all end up making friends later on though. How does Ran adjust to having his sight back? And, y’know, having everyone see him like that, and his brother comfort him(if they aren’t on good terms at this point, the timeline’s confusing me a bit)

12: Throughout this conversation, every time I read something sad, the image struck me, and honestly, it’s what you deserve. If these keeps up, I’m gonna start inserting these little 🏹s every time you hurt my heart. 

13: I’m being conspired against. Does everyone see this? Brothers Anon and their friend are conspiring to break my heart. Such gremlins. What did I ever do to you two?

Also, you can tell your friend that from this point on, I will closely associate them with a tiny, purple, cackling imp. 

14: Huh. Why do they want to find Foolish? Curiosity? To learn more about the Smp? About Dream? Sounds like it has a lot of potential to be quite the interesting encounter. And, since they didn’t previously know about the totems, they probably wouldn’t notice if one activated in a certain situation where it’s popped...do with that what you will.

15: Anon, I love all of this. Tell me more about Grandpa Edward. Does he fondly look back to Ranboo being polite and quiet while Ranbob and Ran cause havoc in the background? Does he bake them snacks and tell them about Ranboo’s adventures, and how much he loved to mine-which, in hindsight, is kind of funny, considering you just mentioned that so few people follow Skeppy because of the mining, but apparently their ancestor did that thing for fun.

[mollydollyjournals]

Maybe I need to just like. Scream. Loudly. For a few hours.

My concentration is still so bad I'm barely getting anywhere with this same set of nails. Still. I'm trying to keep working on it but my mind is just not doing it because I feel constantly on edge. This is day 3. One set of nails! Jesus they're not that good. I take a long time to do most things but my mind is really just not functioning.

I'm feeling really particularly isolated again. I have nothing to say that might be of interest to anyone else. I dont really even know how to respond to the small amount of interaction I do get. A friend has started being more talkative in our group chat and sent me a message asking for some info on nail art techniques - maybe I'm being self centred but I feel like it could at least partially be an effort to get me talking. If so I appreciate it. But I still dont really have anything to say beyond quick surface responses.

My mum asked if I'm going to see her this weekend. I wouldn't on Sundays because she has a zoom call with relatives I dont want to talk to. It occurred to me that saturday is tomorrow. Part of me wants to go to hers and drink red wine and just connect with someone. The one person who's almost always had my back, or at least has never seriously intentionally opposed me. I want to go see my dog and my kitten and tell her that actually I'm doing pretty bad, I'll probably be divorced by xmas and sometimes I hear things that arent particularly confusing or distressing but they're definitely not real.

But that's not how it works in our dynamic. She had a serious psychotic episode when I was a teenager, and I took care of it all. My younger brother has ongoing psychosis. It's in our family. If I say I hear things she'll only panic. My doctor knows so it's not a secret - if theres one thing I learned from both of their cases, it's not to stay in denial. But theres no point telling her. And the divorce stuff? She'll internalise it. One of her children is dead, one is an ongoing psychiatric case with not much of a future because he's also actually a pretty terrible person, and the last one is me. She feels bad enough because her "marriage failed," which is a weird phrase her generation seem to use. She told me before not to date other people in case it hurts my "marriage." She'll think it's that, and start spiralling about her history with my dad and the one guy she's dated since they divorced. She won't believe me and hb were fine having other relationships and the issues arent to do with that, and I dont have the energy to talk through her stuff again.

Maybe it's getting to me more than I think. It's not like I didnt know this shitstorm was coming. But now it advances. Like I heard the forecast before, but now I can see it on the horizon. Now I have to really truly consider moving out of the house and splitting up the cats and whatever else. Thinking about it, maybe i should talk to my mum. Itll almost definitely be her I move in with if it all goes through. But then maybe I should only talk about it if I'm sure.

I dont know. I'm jealous of everyone with good parental relationships. I still havent even texted my dad for his birthday. I guess I should do that. I kind of miss when all 4 of us go back to my dad's house for drinks, us and my half brother. But that's not going to happen for a long time yet, for all kinds of reasons. Maybe it never will again. I'm catastrophising I guess. But it's hard not to with the current track record. I just feel like there isnt any evidence of positive things. Really, truly. The best thing that's happened to me recently is I sent the rented carpet cleaner off and then saw that my cat did a big healthy shit in the middle of the carpet. I have to be happy about that because it means hes not losing his guts to diarrhea and vomiting like he was before. But I still have to deal with a hygienic nightmare and probably a stressed cat picking up on my mental state. And I still have to gauge the whole situation based on a literal pile of shit.

I feel like thinking positive is just kidding myself and giving into my genetic tendency towards psychosis. If I'm going to convince myself of something that isnt real in order to make myself feel better, why not lose myself in a fantasy entirely? I should just build an entire world where everything is okay and lock myself away in it. Why stop at just telling myself that this one bad thing or another won't happen.

I try my best to stay grounded in reality to avoid ending up in that kind of mental state. But reality is fucking tiring. I know my life isnt the worst in the world by far, I dont mean that. But we're all going through some extra shit these past couple of years. I struggle not to take that on too. Not that it even helps. We had a mass shooting here today and I'm thinking about the people who thought they were safe because they live in England where firearms are extremely rare, the parents of the child who died, the people living in that area who will feel so unsafe now, and all the pro-gun lobbyists in the US who will use this as a reasoning that gun control doesn't work thus keeping millions of other people at risk as long as those laws dont change. But god. I would be dead many times over if guns were as easy to buy here as they are over there.

And then I think about all the people that have been lost to situations like that. I'm multiracial and have family in multiple different places - I was always raised with the idea that you dont stop caring about people just because they're not in the same country as you. And it's true, you shouldnt. But I've internalised a lot of it as fear and sorrow and idk what else. Just bad feelings. Feeling like the world is such a terrible place, that I cant deal with my own suffering, and that if I can't deal with that then what about the people who have it worse? What can I do??

What can I do for anyone when I cant even paint a single set of nails?

I'm sure of all kinds of bad things happening. I dont want to be. Some of them I couldnt prove, so maybe it's just my mind. Many look likely. I dont know how to deal. I am all the worst parts of each of my parents and this is the result. I wish therapy was more of a thing last century. They should never have had kids. My older brother got off easy by dying. Incidentally I have to somehow gather money for his gravestone soon as nobody else in my family ever offered to help my parents with it in all this time and it's only just been put up now when I said I'd help my mum with it. I never even fucking met him. My life is like a bad tv show. Not an interesting one, not a well written drama or tragedy, just bad.

[stevengrantshubby]

okay, okay okay, okay. so here i go, idk if there will be a point in this but im gonna write it up anyways. so follow me down this weird half thought thur path or whatever

okay, so we know that tfatws takes place 6 months after endgame, long enough for things to no longer be new and the problems with what the avengers did (or undid if you prefer) are really setting in, not even a full year. the people who came back from the blip have only had 6 months to figure out whats going on, where their families were if they still had them, ect, ect and only 6 months for the people who were left behind to “adjust” to having everything ripped away from them. i do wonder about a lot of things from this time, but i doubt that we’ll get a ton of concrete answers about it.

anyways.

when we see sam in the opening action scene hes very confident and self-assured. hes in his element so to speak. hes strong, smart on his feet, and we see sam use his new wings as a shield multiple times which to me feels like either a kind of statement that sam doesnt need the shield or to show that he would be really good with the shield, it feels important somehow considering who important the shield becomes in the show.

also, the military guy tells sam that once the LAF get across the tunisia boarder its supposed to be a no-fly zone so to speak which is why it was important for sam to get him before which hints that not everywhere got rid of boarders. like, tunisia is in northern africa and when we meet the flag smashers later theyre mostly in eastern eurpoe and also torres makes a comment about things not being better during the blip and his american (im pretty sure) so again where these things are happening in relation to boarders and the like it still makes me think about how the world worked through the blip, but again probably wont get concrete answers.

also in this episode we see the first instance of sam being recognized for who he is by a man from tunisia (who im going to consider a character of color tho im not sure if this is considered accurate in the real world) and not recognized by white american men, this happens in episode two as well.

while the shield sort of becomes the super important symbol, we are also shown in this episode that steve has been kind put on a pseudo god-like position. yes, its a joke to ask if hes the moon of all places, but the whole “looking down on us”/”watching over us” feels a lot like the christian capital-G God. he has been put on this kind of pedestal by the people who really didnt know anything about him and also bucky (but hes been hanging by a thread for a while it seems so its a little different) in contrast to sam.

sam has a lot of respect for steve. he calls him courageous, righteous, and hopeful. the best in us because these emotions are supposed to inspire “good works” as it were. sam then states that the world needs new heroes for the current times and that symbols only have meaning because of the people who give them meaning. and upon my rewatch this feels sam want to preserve the meaning that steve, his friend, imbued into the shield but also wants to move forward. i do think that the fact that sam is a black man who is not treated very well by america plays into his decision as well, i also think the fact that we hear the lines from endgame:

- it feels like it belongs to someone else.

-it doesnt.

is important. right now im thinking that the shield is essentially meaningless because steve is gone for all intents and purposes and he dropped it without a second thought. like i get it, in terms of what the show is doing and like i said, how people who dont know steve would probably react but even so many weeks later it sits weird. even the dora milige left the shield behind even though its made of stolen vibranium, cause its just a thing. anyways...

rhodey, after the speech, parrots back at sam that they do live in a different time, but he thinks that this different time does require someone to carry the shield.

then we meet sams sister and his nephews. sam and his sisters relationship does hold a lot of tension between them but theres still so much love there as well. its very normal, reminds me of tension that i feel between myself and some of my family members and that i see between different family members as well.

sarah wilson is a black woman who, like many black women I know, have been holding things together the best she can with (seemingly) not much help. we know that sam left after their father died (i dont remember if their mother is also dead), he couldnt handle it as stated, so he went off and fought. but in being gone he sarah ran the business the best she could. shes also a widow, not sure when that happened but y'know thats there too.

but ii think that how sam feels about his familys home and boat in contrast with how he treated the shield kind of. sam references the boat as their familys legacy (sarah also calls their dad a 'giant' and that not mattering to the bank and probably others) and he doesnt want to let that go no matter what. however both of these are acts of preservation on sams part, just in different ways. he tried to let one go while desperately trying to hold on to the other, one to be put in stasis and one to move forward, grow, passed down ect, ect.

now sam really only tries to get involved with the flag smashers because he theyre super soldiers. and i guess youd call this the inciting incident part of act one.

now the next three episodes are very intertwinded in the plot and what kind of world sam would be becoming captain america in. sam makes an off handed comment that sharon, zemo, and bucky are more worldly than him but thats true. and he does have to...learn, is the best word i have. i mean, the most he can do right now is “make a call” as he puts it which really isnt a lot considering whats been going on.

and to backtrack (sorry if this is all over the place) we do see sam constantly empathizing with the flag smashers and more specifically karli consistently throughout the show. if they werent super soldiers hed not have crossed their path the way that he did. throughout the show, well before episode 4, sam is really focused on like where exactly the super soldiers are coming from, the fact that the flag smashers are stealing money, and food, and medicine he doesnt really care.

when he has his heart to heart with karli the main problem that he has honestly, is the murders (and i do wish that there was distinction made cause that is important, but i know that in show sam probably doesnt know that karli blew up a building with people tied up in it like we do but its important that we know that), when he says that the killings wouldnt make the world better just different along with karli saying “theyre roadblocks on my journey and id kill them again if i had to” (which is 1. very dehumanizing, 2. she says 'my' and not 'our', and 3. she didnt have to kill these low level workers) is more  a restructuring of power instead of dismantling it.

like theres a lot here but my minds not connecting fully.

i know the show isnt over so ii dont really have a conclusion (i honestly havent even said half of what I took notes about) but its like 4 am here and I gotta go to bed. And I dont want this ti be multiple parts right now I just needed to get this outta my system lol.

part 2 whenever

[naoyatoudo]

i need to rant about how zzs was treated in shl hold on spoilers for the end of the drama

still pissed. i hate HATE HATE that zzs was shoved to the side and became the little side piece to wkx’s story of revenge. hello? he’s the MC. ZZS is the MC. WKX is the ML. this is not the wkx story this is the zzs story, literally, he is the main character. why does he just drop back into the background at some point, shoved into a corner, used only to make wkx look good? hello? how the fuck is it that he was captured and tortured for days but no one asks after him or shows much care when he comes back...........it just goes to wkx’s stupid plan that he DOESN’T TELL ZZS ABOUT? HELLO?

and after wkx “dies” no one even thinks to keep an eye on zzs despite him literally trying to commit suicide to follow after him before. how the fuck could they just leave him alone?? and then even when zcl and jby and wx learn about him taking out the nails they just are like. ok bye :) at least zcl cries but  THE FOCUS IS STILL ON WKX??????????? THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME OUTSIDE LIKE 5 MINUTES??? AND WKX OF COURSE HAS THIS WEIRD OOC MOMENT AND LIES TO ZZS AND ACTS LIKE ZZS DESERVES IT AS IF HE HASNT LIED TO ZZS MULTIPLE TIMES NEAR THE END DESPITE THE FACT THEY HAVE A WHOLE THING ABOUT NOT LYING TO EACH OTHER BUT WHATEVER. HAHA. WHO CARES RIGHT? AS LONG AS WKX LOOKS SYMPATHETIC AND GOOD! FUCK. IT’S SO OBVIOUS THE SCRIPTWRITER HAS A WKX BIAS IT MAKES ME FEEL ILL.

I’M SO ANGRYYYYYYY HOW ZZS WAS TREATED LIKE SHIT IN THIS. LIKE GREAT SO YOU TOOK AWAY HIS DECISION WITH HIS LIFE TO SACRIFICE YOUR OWN SO HE’D LIVE FOREVER AND TRAPPED ON A MOUNTAIN AND CAN ONLY EAT SNOW. ALONE. FOREVER. HOW KIND OF YOU. IT’S NOT LIKE YBY HAS A WHOLEEEEEEE EXTRA ABOUT HOW MISERABLE THAT IS OR ANYTHING IN THE NOVEL RIGHT? FUCK OFF. HOW DARE YOU DRAMA WKX.

NOT TO MENTION HOW THE COSTUMES AND MAKEUP WERE CLEARLY HIGHER QUALITY FOR WKX...LIKE REALLY? REALLY?????/ ASIDE THE NEW YEARS ONES IT’S SO STARK HOW MUCH MORE MONEY WENT INTO WKX’S LOOK. AND THE AMOUNT OF TIMES WE HAVE TO SEE THE SAME STUPIF FUCKING FLASHBACKS OF WKX YES I KNOW HIS PAST YES I GET IT I DONT NEED TO SEE IT EVERY EPISODE 3 TIMES.

THE NOVEL. IS ABOUT. ZZS. IT’S ABOUT HIM LEARNING TO MOVE ON AND SPEND HIS LIFE FREELY. WITH HIS OWN DECISIONS. AND BE HIMSELF. SINCE HE COULDN’T DO ANY OF THAT WHILE STUCK SERVING THE EMPEROR (PRINCE HERE, WHATEVER). AMAZING HOW WKX TAKES THAT AWAY FROM HIM AT THE END OF THE DRAMA AND IT’S PLAYED AS GOOD AND ROMANTIC. WKX’S REVENGE PLOT IS IN THE BACKGROUND AND IN THE END HE LITERALLY /LITERALLY/ CHOOSES TO LIVE SO HE CAN BE WITH ZZS. THERE IS NO SACRIFICE ON HIS PART. ZZS DOES NOT GET INVOLVED IN HIS SHIT EXCEPT TO SAVE HIM AT THE END. ZZS LITERALLY STATES WKX’S PLOTS ARE HIS OWN AND HE HAS NO RIGHT TO BUT IN IN THE NOVEL.

WHY DID YOU WRITE ZZS LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHO HE IS? I GET CHANGING THINGS TO MAKE HIM PALATABLE FOR  A WIDER AUDIENCE BUT COME ON. AND HIS CRYING AND SIMPERING..LIKE..>???????????? EVEN THEN FINE. BUT THEN YOU TURN HIM INTO A SIDE PIECE WHO JUST IS THERE FOR WKX TO LOOK GOOD. I AM SSSSSO MAD AND I’M GLAD APPARENTLY CHINESE FANS ARE TOO (?) . he deserved better. he did not deserve to be cast aside so the limelight can be on wkx. i feel so bad for zzs and for his ACTOR because even with the actos everyone is soooo focused in wkx’s actor.

wkx’s actor did well don’t get me wrong, glad he is getting attention, but zzs’ actor did really well too.......ugh. the way people are so into wkx and just use zzs as a piece for him even in fics now..like whya re so many fics zzs crying over wkx dying or being a comfort for an upset wkx?? zzs is the one who is literally in pain every single day, was literally tortured and betrayed, lost EVERYONE from his sect, and the whole shit show with wkx’s fake death HE WASN’T TOLD WAS FAKE. SO HE HASTENED HIS DEATH. but no it’s all about wkx and wkx’s emotions right? fuck off.

i’m gonna write so much stuff for zzs. im gonna write jby noticing zzs is upset and confronting and comforting him. for a supposed best friend in the drama he didn’t do fucking much. idk why wx and jby were even there, in the novel they cure him but here they just. what give him medicine so he can live an extra week? wow great.

im so sad we didnt get to see all the things zzs thinks in the novel that show how affected he is by everything and how traumatized he is. i hate how they made his shizun this friendly father figure when he was a rough person who died and left everything for zzs to handle alone at FIFTEEN. i hate how they made zzs the prince’s cousin for NO FUCKING REASON when zzs was just some guy from a family in the jianghu who befriended the prince to help his sect survive.

why is it the series starts off well and with zzs as the mc and switches at some point to be the wkx show? i still like wkx but im so........disappointed. im so disappointed if my rants didnt say it enough ufbhvndskm, especially how the other characters dont notice how upset or pained zzs is at any point?? how the fuck did jby not??? amazingly zcl is the best with it...T__T

also why is it they fight constantly and even though zzs is literally right usually wkx is the sympathetic one and they never talk it through zzs just kind of goes back over to him and they act like normal?? hello??? yeah, uh, zzs was RIGHT. INNOCENT PEOPLE WERE LITERALLY BEING KILLED FOR WKX’S PLAN. YES ZZS WAS RIGHT. IT’S HIS LIFE IF HE WANTS TO JUST DIE FROM HIS WOUNDS AND NOT LOSE HIS MARTIAL ARTS HE CAN. does no one remember in the novel when wkx tries to destroy his martial arts zzs stops him with a “if anyone should understand, it’s you..” and wkx just stops and says “yes...i..i understand...” and respects zzs’ wishes???

what were their other stupid fights? oh yeah zzs again saying innocent people die and oh look he was right again. when wkx betrays zzs’ trust and does his fake death without telling him zzs doesnt even get mad at him. meanwhile wkx raged at him for choosing his own path in life that wkx didnt want...right, that’s good. then the fucking end with wkx saying it’s his turn to lie to zzs like he didnt before. i would punch wkx into the ground for that. fuck you asshole, are you kidding me with this shit??

also why did it take so long for zzs to realize who wkx is in the drama?? in the novel they figured each other out right away almost... why is zzs weaker physically and not as smart.. T_T and he took his disguise off earlier so the fangirls wouldnt have to deal with the “ugly” (wasnt even ugly) look...i know it would never have happened but i feel like wkx’s reaction to his real face was kind of understated. i’ve already said i dislike the shidi-shixiong thing but i do get why they did it so whatever.

im mostly mad about how zzs was picked up, slapped around, and thrown outside.........

scriptwriter why do you hate zzs.......?

[khaycaprithewriter]

The Black Sheep

I really wanted to start of this next post with a short story. I remember a conversation I had with my cousins, Ben and Kiera. I do not remember exactly how it started but we ended up talking about me being adopted and all the feelings and emotions tied into it that I have experienced. They both told me something that took me by surprise. “We didn’t even know you were adopted, we just knew we were cousins”. It was all just love, genuine family love and they didn’t love me any different or any less. No matter what, we were family. I have always wanted to write about my life being a black girl in an all white family. I did not want to write it really for myself but, for all of you. All my life I have been asked “oh, whats it like being adopted?” or “oh your family is white? How is that?” and my usual response is, “what do you mean HOW is it?” like they’re asking a waiter about a dish on a goddamn menu! Its rude, its insulting to me, it makes me feel like an alien on mars. We all have family whether it is blood or not they are my family. Its not weird, its beautiful and normal and the fact that people still question this is getting so annoying. So many kids are born and unwanted or mistreated by a parent who does not even give a fuck about them. But, here I am brought into this world by a woman who was not able to raise me and chosen by a woman who had been praying for a daughter like me. I was chosen, I was wanted by an entire family ready to welcome me with love and care, genuine love and care. Now, another thing I wanted to address is how I was adopted. I have had multiple people throughout my life ask me “what was it like to be an orphan?” IS THIS ANNIE? I swear some of y'all swear we live in 1932 and I was left at the steps of an orphanage and my mom just happened to stumble across me and take me and raise me. NO, I was not an orphan. My birth mom was a crackhead, had aids, went to jail. There was no way she was able to keep me even if she wanted to. I am not going to go too into my adoption because I already made a post about this on my instagram. Just know that I was not an orphan. Growing up, I never felt different and to be honest, I felt like everyones family looked just like mine because my best friend from childhood had a white sister and they had black parents. It was normal to me, it was all normal to me until the first time I got called a nigger. This little ugly boy from elementary school said “do you know what a nigger is?” I said “no but I know it is a bad word and I don't like it” he proceeded to say “well, its what you are! You're a nigger, my daddy said you're a nigger”. My heart broke, I was so hurt because I still had no idea what it meant and when I figured out what is was I cried for hours. “Am I different than you?” I often asked my mom and she always assured me that I was not. But “nigger” kept ringing in my head every time I walked into that classroom. I was only 7 or 8 at the time. Growing up, this was my harsh reality. Any time I went anywhere with my family we would get stared at. The looks that people gave us were so nasty, like they were trying to figure out why I am out in public in an all white town with these white people. Whenever I am with my family and were shopping and I put my stuff with theirs on the counter, “oh aren't you going to separate that?” then we say “no were all together”  THEY ARE SHOOK. “oh....okay.” Its embarrassing that we live in a world where we cannot even shop together without getting looked at. I can't walk down the street with them and not get stares. When I go out in public with Naomi AND my family, they REALLY try to figure that one out! How is this older white lady with a black girl and her baby? They never assume that I am her daughter and she is her granddaughter. It hurts that I can go out with Rasheeds family and nobody bats a fucking eyelash. Yet, when I go out with my family the security cards look me up and down and people try to figure us out. I have a family, an amazing one at that. But I still feel sad whenever I go out with them because nobody just sees us as “family”.What kills me is when I go on vacation with my family and join them at the pool or at the beach and they assume I just crashed their party or just took one of their spots, so close minded and so hypocritical.  I went to my godmothers funeral hysterically crying only to find out almost nobody knew who I was. I went to my grandmothers funeral and my grandfather was holding my hand and this lady walks up to me and says “Its really quite nice that you showed up today” I said “excuse me?” she continued to say “well usually home health aids do not come to these things” My heart sank and I will never forget the look on my grandfathers face. He was so hurt, so confused, so angry” he gripped my hand hard and I laid my head back on his shoulder and said “Im their granddaughter”. The lady chuckled emabressed and walked away. It was the saddest feeling I felt and this was yet again one of the only times I felt different and like I did not belong. I had wondered if anyone would ever see this as my family and the older I get I feel like nobody will ever understand. So no, there is nothing different about my family to me, but to YOU it is different. Its foreign, its taboo, its unnatural. All because my skin is darker than theres. My family has always loved me, accepted me, been there for me no matter what the circumstances. I have so much family and so much genuine love people wish they could have from their own families. I think whoever reads this should take a second look before they ever judge me again, before they ever question about what its “like” being adopted. I do not feel different than them, but others will do anything in their power to make sure I do. There is no other way to describe it other than, that IS 100% my real family, I didnt just join, I was here from the go. They're not my “white people” they are my family and if I ever here anyone comment on them or call them my “white family” I will confront you and shut down your comments. Also to answer one last burning question, yes they are all mostly republican, yes our thanksgivings are interesting, no we do not agree 100% on everything but we are able to talk about things and talk about how we feel about certain things. We talk, we state our opinions and then we are back to normal back to family. Just because we have different political points does not mean they are going to shut down my opinions or “disown” me and I will not just shut them out of my life. That is the problem in our society today, we are so quick to block and delete just over someone else opinion when we don't even know what they are going to say! 

I hope you all really enjoyed this blog, I know its lengthy again but theres a lot that has to be said about things. Especially, if you are the one asking for answers to these questions. I appreciate you all so much! Look out for the next post, its going to be something very personal and I am really nervous about posting it so please send good vibes my way! I want to be as open as possible with everyone. I love y'all, stay tuned!

[dadweebking]

Black Heron Returns: Part 2

Part 1 (x)

The four ducks wandered around the island aimlessly, Scrooge and Beakley focused on trying to find anything that could help them find Black Heron’s base while Webby looked around along with them while occasionally glancing over at Dewey.  Every now and then, he’d begin to fall behind because he wasnt really paying attention to where he was going, Webby would sometimes call to him to help him keep focus. Though he was happy that Scrooge allowed him to tag along, he didnt really seem to enjoy it as much as he had hoped, since nothing exciting has happened yet, but kept those thoughts to himself.

The 4 then wondered into a cave-like place that goes into the mountains, with multiple openings on the sides that view the whole island.

“We’ll stay here for a bit longer. I have a feeling there might be something here.” “Agreed, 22. Kids, watch your step. There could be trap doors around.” Scrooge and Beakley began cautiously looking around, while Webby glanced at Dewey again, this time with a frown on his face. She noticed it a few times earlier and chose not to say anything, but she just couldnt stay quiet any longer.

“You ok, Dewey?” “Hm? Oh, yea, i guess. Its just so boring.” “Well, thats what a lot of these kinds of missions are. They’re not all action packed.” “Well i wish i knew that before i snuck on this trip.” Webby giggled, as Dewey walked passed her towards an opening.

“You know, it may be boring, but this is one heck of a view.” Webby then walked up to his left side and looked out and was stunned. The view was gorgeous. There wasnt a single cloud in the sky, the sun’s light being reflected on the rippling ocean water. Distant sounds of crashing waves could be heard, and a soft breeze rattled the leaves in the trees. Nothing from towns like Duckburg could be seen. It was just nature doing it’s thing, and it was beautiful.

“Oh my gosh, you’re right. This is so beautiful.” Dewey smiled then took out his phone, and took a picture of the scene. He then turned around and took a selfie with the scene, then pulled Webby closer, put his free arm around her shoulders and took another selfie with both of them. “Perfect.” He said as he leaned against the wall to look at the photos.

But it wasnt a wall.

As soon as he leaned against the wall, it got pushed in, like it was a loose panel or a button. A giant crunch was heard, as he and Webby looked around frantically. Scrooge and Beakley also heard the crunch, and ran to where the kids were. 

“What ‘append?!” “I don’t kno-AAAHH” “KIDS!!”

The ground fell from underneath the kids’ feet like it was a trap door, and they fell through, much to the horror of the adults. The kids were sliding down a rocky surface, with Dewey in the lead and Webby behind him. It wasn’t long before the kids reached the bottom, Dewey rolling to a stop on the ground, and Webby gracefully landed upright in a fighting stance. She saw Dewey slowly getting up, holding and shaking his arm, and went to help him. Rocks could then be heard clogging up the slide, blocking Scrooge and Beakley from going down the slide. They called out to them. 

“Kids, are you ok?!” “Yeah, I’m fine!” Webby called. “Dewey hurt his arm-” “It’s just sore, i landed on it weird. It should go away soon, Uncle Scrooge!” “Children, stay put, we’ll find another way down!” “Ok, Granny!” 

Dewey walked back and forth, still moving his sore arm around, trying to make the pain go away. While doing so, he caught something from the corner of his eyes. He turned fully to see a white light glowing on the wall, but it didn’t look like it was natural sunlight. While still moving his arm, he began slowly walking towards it. Webby then turned to see him walking away. 

“Dewey, where are you going?” Dewey turned to her and pointed to the light on the wall. “There’s something there, I wanna see what it is.” Webby didn’t know whether to follow him, or stay put until the adults arrive, but against her better judgment and her fear of Dewey falling into sudden danger, she hesitantly followed him. They walked side by side down the cave, and it wasn’t long before they were able to see what caused the light, and it made them gasp. 

A giant open space with a bunch of desks and flasks with chemicals and berries along with a lighter, several microscopes and a big screen and projector with a camera right in the middle. They looked around the room, and Dewey spotted multiple flasks with a liquid inside of it. “Webby, what is this?” He walked towards one of the flasks that had a substance that was a completely different than the others. Webby walked next to it, and picked it up. “Wow, this is the bouncing potion. And it looks like it was mixed together very recently!” She then quickly put the flask in her pocket, and then grabbed a whole bunch of flasks in her arms. 

“Whoa, Webby, what are you doing?” “Making a mess. If we get rid of the remaining liquids in all the flasks, she can’t make another potion!” “Ooooooh I like your thinking.” Dewey smirked as he joined Webby in smashing flasks and pouring out the liquid from said flasks. When it was all set and done, they cheered and high-fived each other, but their joy was soon short lived. 

They soon heard mumbling coming from the cave, making Webby’s eyes widen as she pulled Dewey by his hand and dragged him behind a desk. “Webby, what are you-” “Shhhhhhhh.” She covered his bill with her hand, and peaked to see Black Heron coming. She looked towards her lab and gasped, making Webby hide her head. “That’s Black Heron!” Webby whispered. “Really?!” Dewey then turned to peak around the desk, and quickly pulled his head back upon seeing her for a split second. “Why does she have a robot arm?” “I don’t know, she had that when i first met her.” They soon saw her shadow making their way towards them, so they quickly and quietly moved away to hide again from a raging Black Heron, still going on about asking herself what happened to all her berries and the one finished potion. She then stopped, as the kids wondered why she did so. 

“I bet they’re here again.” The kids listened intently as she continued. “That painstakingly annoying Agent 22 and her wreckless partner. Maybe even she brought her grandchild again.” Now Dewey felt something weird inside his chest. It began to beat fast as she kept insulting Beakley, Scrooge and Webby. Everything else seemed to fade away, the only thing he could hear being Black Heron’s venomous voice. “…and she even defeated me at my previous base. That no-good, mischievous, nosey, idiotic child!” 

That was enough to set Dewey ablaze. No one insults his best friend like that. NO ONE!

In rage, Dewey rose up, but was quickly pulled down by Webby. “Dewey, what are you doing?!” He said nothing as he tried again, but Webby held him down, knowing what he wanted to do. “Dewey, take it easy, she’s too strong for you, she’s out of your league!” “No one’s out of our league, Webby. We can take her!” He pushed her arm off him, and hopped over the desk towards Black Heron. “DEWEY!” She whispered out to him. 

“HEY!” 

The Heron turned around, and saw Dewey standing tall and determined. “Who are you?” “I am Dewey Duck. Nephew of Scrooge McDuck, and close friend to Agent 22’s granddaughter!” He stated bodly, as Webby facepalmed, not believing what he just said. 

“Oh really?” “Yea! And no one talks badly about the people i care about as long as I’m around!” He said as he ran towards her and went for a punch, but Heron dodged it, seeming to have fun with this. He tried again and again to no avail, even having Heron lightly wack him on the head, treating this like a game. Dewey was now furious as he faked a punch, but then suddenly kicked Heron’s legs from under her and pounced, both rolling on the floor before Heron used enough force to hurt him a bit and throw him off her. He landed on his stomach, and turned his head to face Heron, who was now standing before him. 

“Poor Child.” She said as she lifted her arm and turned it into a blaster. Dewey rolled onto his back. “You have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into.” She said, as Dewey glared at her. Suddenly a cry was heard, and Black Heron was knocked to the wall hard. So hard, that her vision was blurry and she felt dizzy. Dewey looked from Heron to his savior in front of him, which was none other than Webby herself.  He quickly got up, and walked towards her, cheering. “Webby, that was si-” “ARE YOU CRAZY?!” 

Dewey stumbled back as she yelled at him. Her face was red and her face had a furious look as well as… a worried one?

“I told you she was too strong! You could’ve gotten really hurt just now!” “I know, i know, but she was insulting you, Scrooge, and Beakley, and i wasn’t gonna let her talk trash about any of my family, most especially my best friend.” Her face got redder, but her furious look softened a bit, making Dewey slightly confused, but he quickly dismissed it. Webby sighed, and stepped back a bit. “Just…don’t be so reckless, ok? I appreciate you looking out for Granny, Mr. McDuck, and I, but don’t go in blinded by anger. That just works against you.” Dewey walked slowly towards her, and put his hands on her shoulders and smiled, saying “Ok, Webbs. I’ll try to think logically next time.” causing them both to giggle. 

Black Heron was just coming to, and her vision cleared to see Webby and Dewey laughing together, and she silently scowled at the scene. But then her eyes widened, as an evil smile was etched upon her face. She was focused on nothing except the smiling faces of the two ducklings as she slowly got up, then quickly charged at the children, slamming Webby off to the side hard. They weren’t expecting this at all as Webby was blindsided and cried out, with Dewey’s face growing terrified at what just happened so quickly. “WEBBY!” Dewey cried out, as he was then grabbed by the neck from Heron’s non-robotic hand. She lifted him up, by the neck, and slammed him onto the wall, keeping a firm grip on his neck, choking him. He grabbed her hand with both of his and tried everything he can to make her let him go while straining to try to get some air into his body but failed, coughing and gagging as a result. 

Webby shot up, and began running towards them. “Ah-Ah-Aaaah.” sung Heron as she turned her robotic hand into a blaster again, and aimed it at Dewey’s chest, making Webby stop dead in her tracks. She looked at Dewey, and he looked back at Webby through tear-filled eyes, shattering Webby’s poor heart. 

“DROP HIM, NOW!” Yelled Webby. “I don’t think so, Girly.” Heron replied, as she turned to face the girl and saw her look back at Dewey. She then turned to see Dewey look at her, and Heron smiled. “You two seem very close indeed.” She said to Dewey, who glared at her through gritted teeth. She then turned to Webby. “Boyfriend?” She asked. Webby said nothing, as a sickening feeling made their way to both the kids’ hearts. Even in a life-and-death situation, they feel embarrassed at that assumption.

“What do you want?” Black Heron began to think, before she looked to Webby’s side pocket, seeing the only remaining flask that contains the completed potion. “I want that flask in your pocket.” She said sternly. Webby was taken aback by this, before pulling out the flask and held it in her hand. 

“That’s right.” Black Heron sung, as she held her hand out, motioning for Webby to give her the flask. She took a few steps forward before, “W-Webby... no.” She heard this and looked at Dewey, who was looking at her with a pleading look. “Don’t... give in! Figure something else out!” “Quiet, you brat!” Heron’s grip around Dewey’s neck tightened, causing him to cry out in pain. Webby gasped, hating seeing Dewey suffer like this, but couldn’t force herself to look away. 

“I’m waiting girly.” Webby looked at Heron, then at the flask, then at Dewey. She was at a loss. Heron could be deadly with the potion against the world, but she just couldn’t leave Dewey in her clutches! For the first time in a long while, she didn’t know what to do, and it drove her insane. Save the world? Or save her best friend’s life?

Webby took so long that when she looked back at Dewey, she saw his struggling begin to cease, his eyes slowly shutting as his hands that gripped Heron’s arm slipped off, eyes closed as his body fell limb. 

To Webby, everything fell silent. 

She saw Heron look back at Dewey, and seeing him unmoving, she just dropped him onto the floor. Webby didnt even notice Heron walking towards her, as she was focused on Dewey, until Heron hit her off to the side, making Webby’s senses come back to her. She looked at Heron who went to reach towards her before, “HERON!” 

Scrooge came in and knocked her away towards Beakley, who began duking it out with Heron. “Granny! Mr. McDuck!” “Forget about us, lass, go help Dewey!” Webby didn’t even think twice, as she got up, and bolted towards Dewey while Scrooge and Beakley dealt with Heron. Webby slid down by Dewey’s side, and rolled him over, before shaking his body. “Dewey?! Dewey, please!” Dewey didn’t move a muscle, causing Webby to fear the worst. “Come on Dewey, not like this! NOT LIKE THIS!” She tried to shake him awake again to no avail. 

Heron could barely get a hit on Scrooge and Beakley. They both we’re fighting differently, and Scrooge had a ferocious look on his while he fought. Beakley hit Heron back towards Scrooge, and Scrooge wasted no time in showing her what she deserved. “You come up with a plan to lay havoc on the world, trash my house, and mess with me and both my partners, but when you seriously hurt one of my nephews?! That’s when things get personal!” 

He landed a couple of blows, and hit her back to Beakley who gave the finishing blow as she punched Heron across the room. Heron, looked up at the two, before noticing something at the corner of her eye. She viciously smiled, as she reached up and pressed a button, causing the whole area to shake with an alarm going off and a voice saying, “Self Destruct Sequence Initiated.” 

“What?!” They both looked around before Scrooge saw Heron making a run for it. He was about to chase after her before Beakley pulled him back. “We can deal with her another time, McDuck, we have another serious problem at hand!” She pointed to Webby still holding a limp Dewey, making Scrooge realize what it could mean. They both ran towards the kids, Webby looking up with teary eyes as they arrived. Quickly, Beakley scooped up Dewey in her arms, and Scrooge turned to a dress both of them. “Beakley, carry Dewey out and Webbigail, stay close. Follow me!” 

Scrooge led the way, with the two females right behind him. He managed to find a way down to the kids, but it wasnt short, so with the self-destruction sequence activated, they had to run fast, or else they wouldnt make it. Beakley really had no trouble running while carrying Dewey, and Webby focused up ahead, but every so often would quickly glance at Dewey. He was still unmoving, and she still couldn’t shake the sickening feeling, but had to focus on running if they all wanted a chance to survive. 

Finally, they rounded one last corner to arrive back at the area where the kids initially fell through the floor. They then ran towards the beach, where Launchpad was waiting with the sub. He could see them and waved before Scrooge’s voice reached his ears. “Launchpad, start the sub!” He was about to enter the sub before his eyes caught Dewey in Beakley’s arms, and his eyes widened in shock. “Wait! What happened to Dew-” “No time, just get in!” Shouted Beakley, and Launchpad did so without hesitation. The engine roared to life, as the 4 hopped into the sub and closed the hatch tightly and quickly. With that done, they sailed off before diving under the ocean, the island exploding before they did so. The sub shook, as the force of the explosion pushed it outward at a faster rate, Launchpad barely able to keep the sub under control. 

Once things were steady again, no one wasted anytime to lay Dewey down across the seats. “How is he?” Asked Scrooge. “His heartbeat was faint when i got to him, but thats all i could hear.” Whimpered Webby. Beakley laid her head sideways upon Dewey’s chest, and emitted a long sigh. She lifted her head, and smiled at Webby and Scrooge reassuringly. “His heartbeat is still there. He just needs a lot of oxygen.” 

“Right. Lass, come with me, i might need your help.” Webby followed Scrooge to the storage closet at the back of the sub, with Beakley looking over Dewey, and Launchpad still piloting the sub, but couldnt get Dewey out of his mind. He turned around and asked Beakley, “Mrs. B., what do i do?” “Just keep driving, Launchpad. The sooner Dewey gets home, the better.” She smiled at him, as he saluted her, and focused on the open ocean up ahead. Scrooge and Webby then came out with an oxygen take and mask, and placed the mask on Dewey’s bill and the tank right beside him. His chest was moving up and down, so that calmed the nerves of everyone to an extent. 

“Now, all we have to do is wait.” Said Scrooge. They then pulled Webby off to the side, and questioned her about everything that happened before they came to their rescue. Webby explained about the lab and the flask in her pocket, completely forgetting about it before they brought it up. She also explained how he took Black Heron on the way he did was because she was insulting the three of them, and managed to actually knock her down before she got the best of him. Then she knocked her back and grabbed Dewey by the neck and literally choked him unconscious, causing Webby to slightly sob as she explained that part. 

The adults hugged the young duckling in reassurance, and smiled down at her saying that everything will be alright. “Give him time, and he’ll wake up soon.” Her granny said to her. “He’ll be fine, lass.” She looked up to Scrooge. “Whether be it fortunate or not, it’ll be hard for anyone to finish him off.” They all let out a small chuckle before dispersing around the sub. Scrooge and Beakley went off to the side to talk about some things while Webby sat by Dewey’s side, waiting patiently for him to wake up. 

About two hours go by before the black finally gains some color. 

Dewey’s eyes slowly blinked as he tried to get his vision to focus while also trying to ignore the soreness of his throat. He noticed a mask on his bill, and took it off while sitting up. His eyes could see clearly again, as he looked around and soon realized he was back in the sub. He could see the back of Launchpad’s head, then turned around and saw Scrooge and Beakley sleeping on the chairs they were sitting. He then looked straight from where he was, and saw Webby’s head resting on the arm rest of his seat, but was actually on the floor. He wondered why she was like this, tried to breathe in to speak before his throat began to hurt badly, and he started viciously coughing, startling Launchpad and waking everyone else up immediately. 

They all swarmed around him, bombarding him with questions about his well being, if anything hurts, if he needs anything, etc. With a bit of a straining voice, he quieted then down, only asking for some water. Scrooge was about to go get it, but Webby was gone and back with a flash, a water bottle in hand. 

Dewey took a sip, thanking her, before walked towards him, putting his mask back on saying, “might be a good idea to keep this on you for a while longer.” Dewey didn’t argue and nodded his head. Scrooge and Beakley went back to where they originally were, leaving Dewey and Webby by themselves. 

Dewey nervously turned to look at Webby, expecting her face to be fuming, but when he did, his eyes widened. She looked at him with her eyes threatening to tear up with her bill quivering, yet she look extremely happy and relieved. 

“Uh, W-Webbs? You goo-oh!” He got cut off with Webby embracing him into a very tight hug. He could feel her body shake and a few tears stain the back of his shirt. He didn’t care about that though, as he was still confused by the sudden action, and she then pulled back, still holding on to Dewey’s shoulder with one arm, and the other to wipe her eyes. 

“You really scared me, you know.” 

“I, um...”

I thought you... I thought that...” she stumbled with her words and turned away from him, as he then scooted closer to her and put an arm on her shoulder this time. 

“I thought I failed you.” She whispered as more tears fell from her eyes.

“Hey, look at me. Look at me.” He pushed against her shoulder, and used his other arm on her other shoulder to gently make her face him. “I’m still here, aren’t I? I’m fine as can be. A bit sore on the neck, but probably not the worst thing that’s happened to me.” He quietly chuckled, trying to lighten the mood, and it seemed to work, as she giggled right next to him. 

“My point is, don’t think you’ve ever failed me from now on, ok? You’re my best friend, Webbs.” He then embraced her and she hugged him back. “You can never fail me.” 

The hug lasted way longer than it should’ve, but honestly, the kids didn’t mind. The only thing that seemed off was that Webby felt a tiny pang in her chest as soon as he called her his “best friend,” but she was too happy that he was still alive, she could care less about anything else at that moment. She shoved that feeling to the side, dismissing it as nothing big. 

Or was it?

[aliens-and-plumbobs]

50 QUESTIONS FOR YOUR SIM

I thought it’d be cool to share the list of questions I work from when I’m developing characters for my screenplays irl. I adapted the questions for sims and I hope someone finds them useful. also u can tag ur friends to do this if u want but I cba.

SIM OC QUESTIONS (50) by: cassgoths

sim’s name: Nora Penelope Martons

how old is your sim? Young adult but I’d say she’s around 38.

when is your sim’s birthday? She was born in the fall.

what is your sim’s zodiac sign? I imagine she’d be a Virgo.

what is your sim’s ethnicity? Her grandfather was half black and half white, Her grandmother was a super light-skinned red-headed girl, So she’s about 10% Black and the rest is a mix of whatever her other grandparents were lol.

does your sim have any nicknames? Her mom called her Nory when she was little.

do they have a job? if so what is it? Scientist of course, specifically Pioneer of New Technologies. She dreams of becoming the Extraterrestrial Explorer. She’s getting close lol

where does your sim live? Willow Creek! Her mom used to live in Brindleton Bay when she was younger but she wanted a place completely new. The family has just loved it and never had a desire to move.

who does your sim live with? Her mother, Destiney Martons and Gen 1 Heir. Her husband, Devon Martons Her eldest child, Diana Martons, named after her grandmother. Her twin boys Dekker and Deion And the youngest Dorian. And of course we can’t forget their adorable French Bulldog Bean. ♥

what environment did your sims grow up in? (i.e strict, loving, cold etc.) She grew up in a very loving environment. Her parents were a little more traditional but they tried to let their kids thrive as much as possible.

what are your sim’s favourite foods? Veggies, fruit, and TOFU. She is strictly vegetarian and won’t let you forget it. For moral reasons of course, but she can not forget what she learned about meat from science class.

what is your sim’s favourite drink? She’s not a huge drinker but give her a Juice on the Rocks and she’ll be happy.

if they have one what is your sim’s favourite colour? Lighter blue and yellow, ALWAYS. You can’t escape them.

does your sim believe in any cliches? (i.e love at first sight) No, she’s very much a woman of science. She’d love to believe in those things but she just has too much of a logical brain. She does love her husband and family very much.

what is your sim’s sexuality? She is straight, although she had a small crush on her best friend Scarlet that lasted like 3 minutes when they were teens. Scarlet’s very charming though haha.

what is your sim’s gender identity? She identifies as a cis woman. But she’s supportive of all people. She actually helped her sister Sebrina come out to their mom that she was transgender. She has always been this way. ♥

is your sim type a or type b? Definitely A, shes ALWAYS working (and she loves it)

is your sim introverted or extroverted? Shes more of an Ambivert. She likes being social but she definitely enjoys her alone time too.

is your sim neurotypical or neurodivergent? Neurotypical

is your sim a pet person? if so what is their favourite animal? She definitely is a pet person, just more of a single pet person than multiple like her mom. She also likes fish, bugs, and frogs but those are mostly for science lol

does your sim have a best friend? Yes her name is Scarlet Goth, daughter of Cassandra Goth (who happens to be her mom’s best friend)

what is (/was) your sim’s favourite school subject? Obviously science. Couldn’t keep her away if they wanted to

is/was your sim a high, mid or low achiever in school? High achiever, 1000% She had the best grades throughout all of her school days.

are they planning to go or have they already been to college? if so, what would be or what was their major? They haven’t been to college but if there was any near them she totally would have. Being the heir of a legacy has certain restrictions and responsibilities she couldn’t keep from.

what are your sims political beliefs? (if they have them) She’d definitely be a libral. Equality is very important to her.

what is one thing your sims wants to do before they die? Visit an alien planet. She has been abducted 3 times now and only has very vague memories of each time but one day she wants to go to their planet.

does your sim have a favourite tv show (cable) and/or movie? She’s not much of a TV viewer actually. She’d rather collect things.

is your sim a netflix viewer? if so what are their top 3 shows. IF she was she’d be watching documentaries or shows like Ancient Aliens or something like that. Haha

does your sim like books? if so what’s their favourite one? Sciene Science Science. She also read a lot of her grandmother’s books.

does your sim enjoy video games, if so what is their favourite one and do they play on pc or console? YES she has been obsessed with video games since she could play them. But honestly she plays them all.

what is your sim’s personal style? Mom???

does your sim have a lucky charm? She carries crystals in her pockets because she believes in their mystical properties. (And that they are absolutely backed up by science not magic) lol

is your sim religious? She believe’s there’s a Watcher of some sort. If Aliens can exist, why can’t that? But I wouldnt call her religious.

what kind of music does your sim listen to and who is their favourite artist? She sort of listens to anything, no preferences really. Shes usually too busy working to care.

is your sim a festive person? if so what’s their favourite holiday? Spooky day is her favorite but she feels a bit of responsibility to make sure her home is always open to partying with the whole family on holidays.

what is your sim’s favourite type of weather? RAIN

does your sim prefer to start fights or finish them? She prefers to avoid them completely, or stop them if its her kids fighting lol

does your sim have a dream job? Extraterrestrial Explorer, as stated before. :D

does your sim have any siblings? She’s the oldest Then Sebrina was born Then Harlow And finally the youngest and only brother, Vander.

does your sim get along with their family? She’s had it rough with Diana being rebellious but mostly yes.

what is your sims favourite hobby? Collecting everything Bugs, Rocks, Fossils, Elements, MySims, Crystals, Snow globes. You name it, she has it

what does your sim look for in a romantic partner? Someone who doesnt mind she’s a workaholic, and also someone who was willing to wait for her to get married because she didnt want to right away.

what is a secret about your sim? She wants one more baby, but she doesnt know if she should have one so late in life.

what is a wish your sim has? She wants another daughter

what is a flaw your sim has? I personally think shes too hard on Diana, she has high expectations and focuses on that instead of letting her be a kid while she still can.

how do others generally perceive your sim? They would never think of her as a family person judging by her line of work but she really is.

Does your sim have a greatest achievement? If so what is it? Being abducted by aliens probably.

If they have one, what is your sim’s greatest regret? Not getting her dad to Selvadorada before he passed away. She really wanted him to see it one last time.

does your sim have a favourite emoji? 👾🤓

does your sim use simstagram? if so what’s their @? @Martons_Legacy Her mom used to run it but she’s taking over. (Soon)

what is the last text your sim sent (and who did they text)?

[mardukwhite-blog]

I was not raised in a racist home or environment. Living in the South, almost every White person has a small amount of racial awareness, simply beause of the numbers of negroes in this part of the country. But it is a superficial awareness. Growing up, in school, the White and black kids would make racial jokes toward each other, but all they were were jokes. Me and White friends would sometimes would watch things that would make us think that “blacks were the real racists” and other elementary thoughts like this, but there was no real understanding behind it. The event that truly awakened me was the Trayvon Martin case. I kept hearing and seeing his name, and eventually I decided to look him up. I read the Wikipedia article and right away I was unable to understand what the big deal was. It was obvious that Zimmerman was in the right. But more importantly this prompted me to type in the words “black on White crime” into Google, and I have never been the same since that day. The first website I came to was the Council of Conservative Citizens. There were pages upon pages of these brutal black on White murders. I was in disbelief. At this moment I realized that something was very wrong. How could the news be blowing up the Trayvon Martin case while hundreds of these black on White murders got ignored? From this point I researched deeper and found out what was happening in Europe. I saw that the same things were happening in England and France, and in all the other Western European countries. Again I found myself in disbelief. As an American we are taught to accept living in the melting pot, and black and other minorities have just as much right to be here as we do, since we are all immigrants. But Europe is the homeland of White people, and in many ways the situation is even worse there. From here I found out about the Jewish problem and other issues facing our race, and I can say today that I am completely racially aware. Blacks I think it is is fitting to start off with the group I have the most real life experience with, and the group that is the biggest problem for Americans. Niggers are stupid and violent. At the same time they have the capacity to be very slick. Black people view everything through a racial lense. Thats what racial awareness is, its viewing everything that happens through a racial lense. They are always thinking about the fact that they are black. This is part of the reason they get offended so easily, and think that some thing are intended to be racist towards them, even when a White person wouldnt be thinking about race. The other reason is the Jewish agitation of the black race. Black people are racially aware almost from birth, but White people on average dont think about race in their daily lives. And this is our problem. We need to and have to. Say you were to witness a dog being beat by a man. You are almost surely going to feel very sorry for that dog. But then say you were to witness a dog biting a man. You will most likely not feel the same pity you felt for the dog for the man. Why? Because dogs are lower than men. This same analogy applies to black and White relations. Even today, blacks are subconsciously viewed by White people are lower beings. They are held to a lower standard in general. This is why they are able to get away with things like obnoxious behavior in public. Because it is expected of them. Modern history classes instill a subconscious White superiority complex in Whites and an inferiority complex in blacks. This White superiority complex that comes from learning of how we dominated other peoples is also part of the problem I have just mentioned. But of course I dont deny that we are in fact superior. I wish with a passion that niggers were treated terribly throughout history by Whites, that every White person had an ancestor who owned slaves, that segregation was an evil an oppressive institution, and so on. Because if it was all it true, it would make it so much easier for me to accept our current situation. But it isnt true. None of it is. We are told to accept what is happening to us because of ancestors wrong doing, but it is all based on historical lies, exaggerations and myths. I have tried endlessly to think of reasons we deserve this, and I have only came back more irritated because there are no reasons. Only a fourth to a third of people in the South owned even one slave. Yet every White person is treated as if they had a slave owning ancestor. This applies to in the states where slavery never existed, as well as people whose families immigrated after slavery was abolished. I have read hundreds of slaves narratives from my state. And almost all of them were positive. One sticks out in my mind where an old ex-slave recounted how the day his mistress died was one of the saddest days of his life. And in many of these narratives the slaves told of how their masters didnt even allowing whipping on his plantation. Segregation was not a bad thing. It was a defensive measure. Segregation did not exist to hold back negroes. It existed to protect us from them. And I mean that in multiple ways. Not only did it protect us from having to interact with them, and from being physically harmed by them, but it protected us from being brought down to their level. Integration has done nothing but bring Whites down to level of brute animals. The best example of this is obviously our school system. Now White parents are forced to move to the suburbs to send their children to “good schools”. But what constitutes a “good school”? The fact is that how good a school is considered directly corresponds to how White it is. I hate with a passion the whole idea of the suburbs. To me it represents nothing but scared White people running. Running because they are too weak, scared, and brainwashed to fight. Why should we have to flee the cities we created for the security of the suburbs? Why are the suburbs secure in the first place? Because they are White. The pathetic part is that these White people dont even admit to themselves why they are moving. They tell themselves it is for better schools or simply to live in a nicer neighborhood. But it is honestly just a way to escape niggers and other minorities. But what about the White people that are left behind? What about the White children who, because of school zoning laws, are forced to go to a school that is 90 percent black? Do we really think that that White kid will be able to go one day without being picked on for being White, or called a “white boy”? And who is fighting for him? Who is fighting for these White people forced by economic circumstances to live among negroes? No one, but someone has to. Here I would also like to touch on the idea of a Norhtwest Front. I think this idea is beyond stupid. Why should I for example, give up the beauty and history of my state to go to the Norhthwest? To me the whole idea just parralells the concept of White people running to the suburbs. The whole idea is pathetic and just another way to run from the problem without facing it. Some people feel as though the South is beyond saving, that we have too many blacks here. To this I say look at history. The South had a higher ratio of blacks when we were holding them as slaves. Look at South Africa, and how such a small minority held the black in apartheid for years and years. Speaking of South Africa, if anyone thinks that think will eventually just change for the better, consider how in South Africa they have affirmative action for the black population that makes up 80 percent of the population. It is far from being too late for America or Europe. I believe that even if we made up only 30 percent of the population we could take it back completely. But by no means should we wait any longer to take drastic action. Anyone who thinks that White and black people look as different as we do on the outside, but are somehow magically the same on the inside, is delusional. How could our faces, skin, hair, and body structure all be different, but our brains be exactly the same? This is the nonsense we are led to believe. Negroes have lower Iqs, lower impulse control, and higher testosterone levels in generals. These three things alone are a recipe for violent behavior. If a scientist publishes a paper on the differences between the races in Western Europe or Americans, he can expect to lose his job. There are personality traits within human families, and within different breeds of cats or dogs, so why not within the races? A horse and a donkey can breed and make a mule, but they are still two completely different animals. Just because we can breed with the other races doesnt make us the same. In a modern history class it is always emphasized that, when talking about “bad” things Whites have done in history, they were White. But when we lern about the numerous, almost countless wonderful things Whites have done, it is never pointed out that these people were White. Yet when we learn about anything important done by a black person in history, it is always pointed out repeatedly that they were black. For example when we learn about how George Washington carver was the first nigger smart enough to open a peanut. On another subject I want to say this. Many White people feel as though they dont have a unique culture. The reason for this is that White culture is world culture. I dont mean that our culture is made up of other cultures, I mean that our culture has been adopted by everyone in the world. This makes us feel as though our culture isnt special or unique. Say for example that every business man in the world wore a kimono, that every skyscraper was in the shape of a pagoda, that every door was a sliding one, and that everyone ate every meal with chopsticks. This would probably make a Japanese man feel as though he had no unique traditional culture. I have noticed a great disdain for race mixing White women within the White nationalists community, bordering on insanity it. These women are victims, and they can be saved. Stop. Jews Unlike many White naitonalists, I am of the opinion that the majority of American and European jews are White. In my opinion the issues with jews is not their blood, but their identity. I think that if we could somehow destroy the jewish identity, then they wouldnt cause much of a problem. The problem is that Jews look White, and in many cases are White, yet they see themselves as minorities. Just like niggers, most jews are always thinking about the fact that they are jewish. The other issue is that they network. If we could somehow turn every jew blue for 24 hours, I think there would be a mass awakening, because people would be able to see plainly what is going on. I dont pretend to understand why jews do what they do. They are enigma. Hispanics Hispanics are obviously a huge problem for Americans. But there are good hispanics and bad hispanics. I remember while watching hispanic television stations, the shows and even the commercials were more White than our own. They have respect for White beauty, and a good portion of hispanics are White. It is a well known fact that White hispanics make up the elite of most hispanics countries. There is good White blood worht saving in Uruguay, Argentina, Chile and even Brasil. But they are still our enemies. East Asians I have great respent for the East Asian races. Even if we were to go extinct they could carry something on. They are by nature very racist and could be great allies of the White race. I am not opposed at all to allies with the Northeast Asian races. Patriotism I hate the sight of the American flag. Modern American patriotism is an absolute joke. People pretending like they have something to be proud while White people are being murdered daily in the streets. Many veterans believe we owe them something for “protecting our way of life” or “protecting our freedom”. But im not sure what way of life they are talking about. How about we protect the White race and stop fighting for the jews. I will say this though, I myself would have rather lived in 1940's American than Nazi Germany, and no this is not ignorance speaking, it is just my opinion. So I dont blame the veterans of any wars up until after Vietnam, because at least they had an American to be proud of and fight for. An Explanation To take a saying from a film, “I see all this stuff going on, and I dont see anyone doing anything about it. And it pisses me off.”. To take a saying from my favorite film, “Even if my life is worth less than a speck of dirt, I want to use it for the good of society.”. I have no choice. I am not in the position to, alone, go into the ghetto and fight. I chose Charleston because it is most historic city in my state, and at one time had the highest ratio of blacks to Whites in the country. We have no skinheads, no real KKK, no one doing anything but talking on the internet. Well someone has to have the bravery to take it to the real world, and I guess that has to be me. Unfortunately at the time of writing I am in a great hurry and some of my best thoughts, actually many of them have been to be left out and lost forever. But I believe enough great White minds are out there already. Please forgive any typos, I didnt have time to check it.

[iamtaekooked]

                                         CHAPTER 1 || PJM

Genre: Badboy! au, College! au, romance, drama

Word count: 2.1k 

Warnings: Just a lil bit of swearing and mentions of throwing up (just in case anyone has a weak stomach. its not graphic but idk)

SYNOPSIS:

The hate saga between you and baddie of the town Park Jimin rests on two very simple (vanilla) rules: 1.) Hate each other for the rest of your lives and 2.)under no circumstances fall in love with each other. But what happens when one of starts falling for the other? Will passion win or will rage take the game?

A/N: if you want chapter 2 then pretty please let me know whether you like it. Honestly it takes a lot more effort to write than read so I dont want to waste my time writing this if the response isn't worth the work I put in. I hope you guys enjoy this and also thank you for taking the time to read it!❤️ I’ll put out a ch 2 teaser depending on how things go. Enjoy reading :)

 || Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || Ch 6 || Ch 7 || Ch 8 || Ch 9 ||

MASTERLIST

Park Jimin was the worst man you ever had the displeasure of knowing. He was cold, rude, arrogant, indifferent to everyone around him. He never cared for anyone but himself. He trampled over people, used them for his own means and discarded them like waste. Everyone loved him, except for you which is why you sometimes wondered whether he seeked you out on purpose. It was a very sick and twisted game the both of you played, but neither of you ever wanted to stop.

“I think you two like each other in a twisted way” Taehyung your best friend would tell you, earning a scoff which was followed by a glare, every single time he uttered the words. No one ever made you feel as frustrated and angry as he did. “You’re wrong. He has it out for me for whatever reason. He doesnt like me” you would state as a matter of factly in turn earning a laugh of disbelief from Taehyung.

Not to mention Jimin was the biggest fuck boy you knew. Not only did he have zero respect for others, he didn’t even respect himself enough to set himself to a good standard because he would fuck anything that had two legs and a vagina.

You really hated him.

He never let any opportunity to mess up your life go amiss. Whether it was purposely making you late for class, or butting his nose in your romantic endeavours and driving your partners away.

“I am the only guy for you y/n” he had told you the time when he had driven away your dumb ex boyfriend by making it look like you had cheated on him. “ Love it or hate it because you are stuck with me princess” After a while you had given up on relationships because Jimin always ensured it didn’t last past one week.

“Thinking about me?” You were startled out of your thoughts as Jimin’s voice rang through your ears. He occupied the seat next to you and you had to stop yourself from retching because the pungent smell of smoke mixed with the cheap beer invaded your nostrils. “Aww was wittle baby missing me? Does precious little Jiminie need an ass kicking” your voice dripped with sarcasm.

Jimin only laughed in response. “ You really do like playing with fire don’t you?” he spoke close to your ear the smell of alcohol making you taste bile in the back of your throat. The next thing you knew, water was dripping from your head and Jimin was laughing as if that was the funniest thing he had ever seen. “ Cool off” he then threw the plastic bottle in your lap and exited out of the bus. You stepped out after him, a scowl making its way onto your face. You wanted to throw the same bottle at the back of his head and you did raise it above your head, but thought better of it, seeing as his best friend Jeongguk had fallen in step beside him. And boy did you want to avoid Jeongguk. If Jimin was trouble, Jeongguk was worse. It would be like inviting a headache for yourself.

The stench of alcohol still lingered in your nostrils. Who drank before coming to college? No one but Park Jimin. You failed to understand why he was so popular despite being the most loathsome human being the history of humanity.

“What the hell happened to you?” your best friend Taehyung jogged next to you and put an arm around your shoulder. “Okay hold on, by the look on your face I can only guess its one thing, rather one person” he paused for effect. You deadpanned in his direction, forcing the both of you to stop in your tracks. “It was Jimin wasn’t it?” he raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips.

“Well no shit Sherlock it was Jimin. Who else could it possibly be?” you huffed in anger before resuming your walk towards the college once more.

Taehyung turned to look at your profile while you gazed straight ahead. He felt bad for you because you had never done anything to anyone, yet Park Jimin felt like he could treat you that way. Taehyung had, on multiple occasions offered to beat up Jimin for you, just to teach him a lesson but you had blatantly refused because you didnt want him getting hurt.

“I know Jimin. I mean I did know him so I can kick his ass you know?” he would tell you, alluding to their now broken friendship. Jimin and Taehyung had been inseparable during your first year of college. They were always joined at the hip and were seen sharing laughs, and jokes with each other. But then Jimin changed and well Taehyung found a friend in you.

“Okay how about this? Lets go to Yoongi’s party tonight” Taehyung suggested to which you shook your head because Jimin would be there. Yoongi was the only person in his previous friend circle that Taehyung kept in contact with. Yoongi was decent enough because he never helped Jimin in making your life hell, but neither did he ever object. So you felt neutral about him.

The cliched vibes you got from the whole situation irked you too much, which was another reason you wished to avoid the party. Because if this was anything like those movies you saw, the countless stories you read you knew you were in for  some kind of trouble. Thats how it always ended at these parties.

“Jimin is going to be there. Go figure genius” your index finger landed in the centre of his forehead as you pushed him away. “ I am going to be there too you know” he got a hold of your finger and lifted it off his forehead.

“Nope. This is not happeneing. No way and dont you dare Kim Taehyung. Do not give me that puppy face” you announced and didnt linger around long enough to give him the chance to pull that pitiful face on you. It always got you. So with a defeated sigh Taehyung followed your lead, wheels turning in his head to figure out a way to make you go. He wasn’t going to give up that easy.

*****************************************************************************************************

You had been glaring at Taehyung since you had entered Yoongi’s gigantic house. “ You tricked me” you spat out and narrowed your eyes at him. “ You’re having fun though” he sheepishly replied trying to avoid your eyes as he sipped his drink.

Taehyung had lied to you and said he was going to take you out for a movie to cheer you up. You had complied because what harm could a movie do? But a 30 minute ride later you found yourself in front of a house, the lawn of which was littered with beer cups and puke , and the sound of some faint EDM was drifting into the surroundings. Before you had the chance to object Taehyung’s hand enclosed around your wrist and he was dragging you, quite literally behind himself towards the party.

Fun my ass.

Just as you had assumed Park Jimin was also there and so was Jeon Jeongguk. You avoided them the minute you entered. You forced Taehyung to find a secluded corner and got a promise out of him that he would not leave your side for even a second.

Although you were thankful for his presence and it did diminish some of the awkwardness , a pair of eyes on you was making you feel very uneasy and as you glanced in the direction for the briefest of seconds you saw Jimin staring at you.

Opting to not let your eyes linger you looked away just as quickly and took a sip of the bitter liquid in the cup forgetting that it was beer. Coughing in distaste you physically held the cup away from your body. Glancing at Jimin again you saw that he was watching you with an amused expression and it was the sort of look that indicated he had seen your struggle with the drink.

For whatever reason you felt embarrassed at the thought of him witnessing your intolerance for alcohol. It sort of felt like he was silently laughing at you, which made you feel embarrassed but also angry. You could imagine his train of thoughts running along the lines of you pretending to be tough and cool when really you were just a goody two shoes. You really couldn’t give him a legitimate reason to further demean you.

Even though you had no way of knowing thats what he was thinking, you wouldnt be surprised to find out that it was exactly what he was thinking. Taking his smirk as an unspoken challenge you downed the drink in one breath.

The sounds of your coughing and wheezing made Taehyung’s head turn in your direction as he immediately put his cup away and stroked your back as you coughed. The aftertaste was bitter and you felt as if you had consumed ethanol. Your throat felt like it was closing and you were swallowing way too hard in order to wash the taste down your throat.

You felt the sour acid pooling in your mouth indicating you were about to vomit. Reminding yourself that Jimin was in the same room as you, and barfing in the same was not an option, in breaking gasps you excused yourself to the bathroom.

Making your way through the sea of sweaty bodies and the stench of smoke mixed with alcohol you quickly located the washroom. The smell really wasn’t helping the buildup of acid in your mouth and it was only aggravating the urge to puke.

“Going somewhere?” You heard Jimin’s voice distantly ringing in your ears. As you looked up you found him looking down at you with the same stupid arrogant smile.

“ Get the fuck out of my way” you sighed as you felt the contents of your stomach bubbling up towards your chest.

“And if I dont?” he stepped towards you, and you couldn’t help but think of the consequences. It might just soak his shirt if he didnt let you go into the washroom. You were trying your best to hold it in but you couldn’t really control your body’s physiological reactions.

“You thick headed idio-” you tried saying but he interrupted you again. He really was an idiot wasn’t he?

You gagged and yet Jimin failed to see that you were about to let out the contents of your stomach and he would be in the line of fire.

“ Oh come on. Stay for a while. You’re not just going to-” and then it happened. If only Jimin was bestowed with the ability to process things happening in front of him and pick up on cues this wouldnt have happened.

“Oh shit” he jumped away from you. His face contorted in disgust and he groaned in anger.

“I told you to move away” you responded. You could hear people around you retching and you had never felt so embarrassed in your entire life.

“You fucking idiot” Jimin moved towards you but he was pulled back by jeongguk. For once you were thankful for Jeongguk and for a moment you didnt hate him as much.

“You should have moved when she was heaving dude” Jeongguk took his hands off Jimin’s shoulder an expression of slight disgust painting his features.

Taehyung pushed his way through the crowd that had gathered around the two of you and visibly shivered in disgust at the sight in front of him. “Lets get you home” he put his arm around your shoulders. While making your way out several comments made their way to your ears most of which revolved around how Jimin was going to make you pay for it. Some of Jimin’s fangirl’s were glaring at you as if they would pounce on you any second and kill you.

You wouldn’t mind dying at this second because it was the most embarrassing situation you had ever found yourself in.To make things even worse you had given Park Jimin a legitimate reason to hate you even more. 

You were going to kill Taehyung for putting you into this mess.

[bites-kms]

Southwest Roadtrip - Episode 1: Viva las Vegas

When it comes to discovering the US, Johnny Cash kept it simple and straight to the point: 

“I've been everywhere, man. Crossed the desert's bare, man. I've breathed the mountain air, man. Of travel I've had my share, man. I've been everywhere.“

And what a journey it was! Who knew a failed attempt to fly to Hawaii would result in such a fun adventure? We packed our stuff and jumped on a plane, destination Southwest of America. Starting by Vegas, passing through Arizona, stopping by Utah, resting in Colorado. Only my friend Belu would be as kamikaze to propose such thing and found in me such a blind partner-in-crime. It was September 4th, and we were rushing in a taxi from Hoboken to Newark to board our first flight during a global sanitary emergency, looking like Darth Vader’s close cousins with our masks and face shields. 

After an approximately 6-hour flight, we landed in the middle of literally nowhere. We were able to see the pyramid and some other iconic architecture which I currently do not remember because it was about only for 5 seconds before landing. On arrival, on a mostly empty airport, we were surprised by the amount of slot machines that were there, welcoming everyone to place their bets. For sure, ours was to have fun and contrary to common belief, the house didn't win this one: we had a blast!

Followed by a surprise “SIN CITY, WOOO HOOO!” shout from someone who obviously has been living inside a thermos for the last past months, we cracked up and went to fetch a car. This very nice gentleman took us to the Bellagio (yeap, we went full on cliche mode, with what was originally a non-existent promo) while DJ Dani blasted her best records to kick off this adventure with the right feet: Viva Las Vegas by Elvis Presley and Just a Gigolo by Louis Prima Success. 

DAY 1: 

First things first: check in and adventure. Hotel, amenities and surroundings. Vegas spins around two main areas: the famous Strip, 6.8kms of the brightest place on earth seen from outer space full of hotels, restaurants, shops and of course, casinos. Pretty much Disneyworld for adults. The Bellagio is the iconic hotel which hosts some of the greatest restaurants and also the famous dancing fountains. Also, is one that is pretty centrally located, in between Caesars Palace (Roman Empire themed), The Cosmopolitan (which imitates boheme life from France) Aria and Park MGM Las Vegas (New York City represent!), Excalibur (Middle Ages) Luxor (Cleopatra’s Egypt) and The Venetian (of course, Venice). Everything is within walking distance but beware of the heat: a normal day in the desert is around 42C (107F), if not more, with a melting down thermal sensation of 1000 in any scale. This is why is also a city that is enjoyable during night time. So, do not feel bad about sleeping in a bit: you can always chill by the pool in the morning, have a little something for lunch and sleep (or remove the hangover) during the afternoon when the sun is unbearable. OR, the casino is always open so that could be an option. We chose to walk around a bit (big mistake) but luckily once you enter to the casinos, they are all connected with escalators, shade and AC, so we were mesmerized by this grown up themed park, where is so easy to lose track of time. 

After an Italian lunch on a french bistro in a corner of Paris (? yes.. I know..) we went back and rest by the pool. Once the sun was already getting ready to bet some chips at night, we did too: we changed into our most shinny and glamorous outfit and won exactly 27 dollars! We checked out Venice, and some of the night shows that were happening on the streets (like naked promoters, the massive PM lines, and the crazy long-ass “juice” towers flowing around the more energetic covid-prone crowds) right before we headed up to Yellowtail, the Japanese and Michelin Starred restaurant at the Bellagio. We had their famous tuna pizza (it sounds terrible but it is more of a tostada or sashimi-style like) and got disappointed that they run out of the short ribs, but instead had some amazing sushi rolls and some tempura bites. When we found out about the beautiful, sigh-seeing windows that displayed all the fountain show we left our high-end attires aside and run to the windows, interrupting some other people’s dinner while leaving the waiters behind. We decided to go for dessert somewhere else and went to the piano bar located at the reception for a delicious espresso and a chocolate diamond cake. We did some neon-gazing and loved the fountain show to the beat of Believe by Cher, while being overwhelmed by a surreal feeling of actually being there, having so much fun and appreciating our friendship (and of course, avoided a high/drunk fellow who tried to take our pics and phone with them - she didnt know we were from New York and from Rio de la Plata, so the scam was on her!) 

DAY 2

Repeat. (and pretty much that’s all we did). We kicked it off with a fake breakfast by the pool, and some piñas coladas in between facemasks. We also had a light lunch by the pool (a greek salad with some much needed water) and then, around 6:15 we took a cab to the Neon Museum - yeap, for those who think there is only light fun in Vegas, nope, think again, there are worthy museums, too! ( I even made a joke here! damn I’m inspired!). The Neon Museum is a scrap dealer cemetery, where all the old and somehow “broken” -even thou most of them have been repaired and are currently working!- neon signs from Old time Vegas rest. It is very fun to see old hotels, random letters, icons and logos being laid there, creating a wonderful mess in the middle of, again, you guess right, the desert. It was very fun and beautiful to be honest. 

Another short taxi drive later (I was too naif thinking we could walk in short heels under the killer heat more than a block!) we drove thru what is known as “Old Vegas” or “Downtown Vegas”. This used to be the place where the magic happened before the creation of the Strip, but nowadays it only hosts what lingers of once a glamorous and kitschy past. The center of this action can be found throughout Freemont Street, a pedestrian long avenue that gathers classic neon signs, all-time Vegas characters (we still missed out on Elvis, so watch out impersonator, we will be back just for you!), stripers, street sellers, all you can eat venues, dodgy bars, and more and more neons.  According to Las Vegas Tourism Board>> “Fun people, crazy people, partying, gambling, drinking, street performers, free music and light shows, zip lining and just having a good time... that's what you expect at Freemont.”

We had some pizza, talked to this Montana guy who for a second thought he was able to have a threesome with us on his dirty van, were voluntary abused by these hot, ripped stripers who made us laugh with their pick up line: “You can leave your face mask here, right by your underwear too, please.” The guys were a “sample” - since the show is canceled due to the pandemic- of Chippendales, something a fine woman needs to experience once in their lifetime. Belu felt in love with her boy, but given the current times and protocols, this love couldn't prosper as we all wished it had. No worries amiga, next time!

But the most striking part of this decadent place was witnessing this surreal restaurant called Heart Attack Grill, where people who weight more than 350lbs (almost 160kgs) eat for free. The biggest burger consist on 8 patties, and as an FYI, only the 4 patty burger is marked on the Guinness World Records Book as the “Quadruple Bypass Burger” with almost 10.000 calories, all the beverages consists on massive soft drinks, milkshakes, beers and wine, (full bottles, of course, served from an IV drip bag) and it is not allowed to share food. The place is cash only, you gotta weight yourself before entering, each patty is made of half pound each, everybody must wear hospital gowns and if you dare not to finish your meal, you get three spanks by the horny yet not so sexy waitress dressed as nurses. As a nice little detail, on the biggest burger you can pump it up with 40 slices of bacon by only $7.99 more!  And, to wrap up this majestic hospital parlor, I recently researched that the legal owner of Heart Attack Grill is hilarious – Diet Center LLC. The founder is Jon Basso, who strives to provide “nutritional pornography” in his food. For a better comprehension (for a lack of a better word) of this place, you can check out this recap of Showtime’s series: Deadly Sins. 

So, we were mesmerized, we were educated, we bet, we ate, we drunk and we touched some sweaty strippers, so there was only one thing left to do: crush a weeding. So there we went. There were multiple chapels around the area, but I dont know whether it was the time (it was around, 9, 9 and coins) so it may have been a little bit too late or due to COVID, but no weddings were in place. We finally arrived to the Little White Chapel, the original, unique one that has the Elvis sign, the drive-thru and the proud sign that states how Michael Jordan and Joan Collins got married there. We were so bummed to found only a very young, very dull couple getting married (she was wearing black, hence, that is all you need to know) and there was not a very jolly, merry spirit. Still, we managed to hang out with the best men and got a picture of two to remember this fail attempt to crush this very much lame wedding. Up we went to the Bellagio, checking out what was missing from Sin City: the Wynn Hotel, Route 515, 51 and the Famous Welcome to Las Vegas Sign. 

We wrapped this unique experience witnessing an amazing, full moon in the middle of the desert, with a massive and delicious full on breakfast at Sadelle’s, a little piece of home in our far-away-from home hotel.  Till next time, Vegas! You were great fun! 

[titandnene]

Hey I need to say this to you Lauren.

I dont know the best was to express or say how I feel but I’m finally at a point where I need to explain myself fully for all I’ve done and why i keep coming back into your life. For the past 3 years my life has been a rollercoaster through stages of hell that I really need to tell you about because in the darkest parts of it the idea of what we were and you in general have been my only light. That’s the reason why I’ve been popping back into your life when I’m sure you would rather have it otherwise. The night that we first tripped togther really shows the power that I see in the universe and how horribly cruel honest and true to form it can be about life. Lauren it had to happen the way it folded out. And I learned that it always does no matter what you want. The beginning of it like the beginning of us was great but that moment when I was facing the door and immediately snapped back to look at you started a chain of events that no one was prepared for. That’s when I started to go “crazy” or my mind started to twist my life started to twist everything started to go out of whack. That’s when me being here with you and me always coming back into your life started to turn things bad in my life. I’m deeply sorry for making you cry during the trip but what you don’t know is what happened after you left. I started to plan out what I would think would be our life together. And that was also my first manic episode.

After your left I started writing on the table and in my note book about a surf shack that we were going to have and this fantastic life that was going to happen because I could see it all in that moment. I felt like I knew it all in that moment. But the reality was I was having my first manic episode. Mania makes me feel like that. Like I have the world and it’s story and the universe and it’s story and our story tied up together and I just have to talk it into existence and it will happen the way I say it will. I felt like I had so much energy and enlightenment just pouring out of me and people were on the same brain wave that I was. But it’s never the case.

I was writing and then I finished with the thought of the universe could be this place that I’m envisioning or I could just be crazy and loosing my mind. And then I sunk deep down into that hole. Thinking that my mind was broken and that I couldnt stop this train that was my brain. So I got in bed shut my eyes and just wished for sleep and it came and I woke up the next day fine like back to normal. Hoping that you would still want to be with me after what I did to you that night.

That in essence has been the last three years on repeat starting January 1st 2016.

It’s a cycle of slowing going manic. Mania brings in good feelings and somehow you get involved in my head. That then branches out to me trying to contact you because if this vision that I’m so clearly seeing. And then the destruction of that vision as the episode ends.

On that day I started to go crazy or manic. I dont really know how but by the 4th I was in the back of an ambulance loosing my mind. My universe was fracturing reality was loosening I thought that everyone was going to die and I was going to be alone forever. So they put me in the hospital and they were running test and I was like a wild animal because I had no idea what was going on and then the seeds of my psychosis started being planted. Because within all of that madness I had one light one person that my mom made me think of and that was you. I was talking about the color of your eyes. And then I saw a girl that I thought was you enter a room but I didnt see her face. But I assumed it was you. But the seed was the idea of you always being just in the other room waiting for me. It’s been a constant theme when I’ve become manic. After some weird things happening they wheeled me away to get a brain scan. As they were wheeling me away and I tried to get away because I thought that they were going to do something like “dissect me” or take away a part of me that made me me. That part is hard to explain but. This part isn’t. I accepted the fate that they were going to take all that away that I was going to not come back the same. I put my hand over my heart and said the name Sandy. This was the first solid root of my psychosis that revolves around us. Sandy was the name of a daughter that I saw us having. And it was basically me saying if they are going to take me away i hope she’ll live.

I made it out of the MRI alive and eventually found sleep and woke up the next day still manic. But thing about mania is when your in it you never know that you are. It’s a lobster in water that’s slowly rising in temperature. Once it’s boiling it’s adjusted so it doesn’t know the difference. You just feel normal.

The next day they had me admitted to a inpatient mental hospital. That’s where you called me and we talked. The first few days were a manic mess. I was going crazy I thought that there was a game that had to be played that was going to get me to leave. I thought that my life was going to be this road trip to all these places to save the world. You basically think that you’re jesus and an undercover spy and you have to solve the clues to get out. After seven days in there I got out. But because it was my first time with mania I was still kind of on a high. It’s like coming back from the moon. I made it into the atmosphere of earth but Not quite back to ground and even then not on target. I’m lucky if I hit the ocean.

So I went into a day program where you meet kids who are going through similar things as you. People with depression mania and everything. I meet some people it was nice the first time. But it was a rough start. What made it tougher was the fact that the day that I got out of the mental hospital was the day after classes began at HP. So even if I wanted to, I couldn’t go back. My parents wanted me at the house and monitored on my new medication making sure I sleep and don’t go back into mania. I think I still might have been smoking weed at the time I’m not completely sure but I picked up 2 classes at the school that I’m at now still went to group and truly fucked things up with you.

The last messages that we sent to one another I really regret. I didnt like how I was pushing you away and trying to bring you close. How I wanted an open relationship when I really didn’t even know what it entailed I just wanted to keep you for emotional support and fuck other people. I remember sitting somewhere and having that talk and hearing you cry on the other end of the line and that’s just not right. And then the last Facebook messages that we sent where I was a true asshole and manic because I was smoking weed and it triggers my mania. And how I ended the relationship with a saw and a sawed off.

The next parts is so I can round everything out and really get this psychosis out of me so take it or leave it I need to write it out.

My mom says I have a season when it comes to mania but really it’s just when I start smoking weed and loosing sleep and stop taking my meds. But the next time I got manic was almost a year to the day. If you want to really see when I get into the manic place look for when I contact you or try to reach out that’s how you know I’m floating back.

The next time was the long haul to the hospital. This time I spent 5 hours talking to myself and making up a fictional son named Steven that you and i would have. Back story lore the reason for his name and universal significance. The whole gambit of this kid. This was also a time where i you were still following me on Spotify and i would look and think that we were communicating through our songs.

Eventually i got to loud and out about everything and got sent back to the hospital and what I now call my restart button. Hospital around winter break then group during classes and then back to the grind until I pick up weed again and then restart. But the time I stopped is worth noting.

After I got out that time and spring summer started rolling around I picked up again but weed wasn’t doing me the same. Instead of making me feel good it started to make me feel like shit. I would get on myself about being stupid that I couldn’t do anything every time I smoked I would just fall deeper into a pit and I couldn’t stop. So the universe made me stop. There was one night where the next chapter of my mental illness would kick in.

I said I was done but my friend called me out and said he’d smoke me up and buy my ticket to go see a movie. It was the worst expierence of my life I had a panic attack that twisted my brain into developing a type of OCD that I now know as Harm OCD. It’s not fun. But what that leads me to is the cocktail that that and mania made me go through and how that lead to the mania endured birth of a 3rd child named staysea. Basically the mania brought on the fictional reality glasses that had been brewing since my last manic episodes and the harm ocd brought on the horrific thing that I did to our child in this other dimensional state which was essentially rape.

Harm ocd is not fun it’s something that i go through every day and regret every day for not listening to the universe when it told me to stop. It’s consistent intrusive thoughts that have to do with violence and sex. It’s like being mind raped by a demon. I dont want these bad things to happen but when I say stop this demon in my head says go and I have to visualize atrocities happen multiple times a day. It’s not fun. But I’m getting better at dealing with it.

After the movie theater I stopped smoking for a while and got better felt better I didnt go to the hospital that January and got through the year. I was finally getting over you coming back into my life in these fantasies and having to deal with it. I metaphorically burried the kids that we had I was getting better. But about a year and half i picked it up again. And I would have moved on and stayed out of your life if not for one moment that started this years run of come ups.

I was at my grandmas old folks home. And she has dementia but I talk to her and her roomate still and I was fiddling with a piece of paper and my brain had been starting to go into a manic space. And my grandmas roommate said something to me which was basically for me to try to reach out to you because “she’s the one for you.” This ticked off my mildly manic brain and then everything that I spent the last years settiling came up and I started to believe in The future that I made back then kids and all. All the past things that I made up started coming back. And I started to try to believe in a universe that follows some narrative that works like a book compared to one that just is.

I ended up having a manic episode and going back to the hospital for the entire month of January this time. I think that was after you messaged me on Instagram. I was pretty manic when I was messaging you but I still had some of myself together. But I got out and here I am now. Trying to come to you with some sort of explanation of my actions towards you.

I hurt you a lot over these past years. Far more than anyone really should. You’ve told me time and time again how you don’t don’t want to see me and just want me to leave but every time I’m close to letting go I pull myself back somehow. For that I’m sorry. This is something that I wanted to write you but never knew how to put into words right. I wrote another letter essentially saying hey I’m coming back down to HP in late April to see Haleigh but I don’t even know if Im going to anymore. I barley have the money and I would halfway want to see you but you don’t deserve to just have me in your face without notice or permission.

You remind me of a time when I didn’t have all this weight on me when life was easy. And I was happy with someone I loved. And how a life with them would be all I ever needed. And that’s probably why I go back to it always because that’s all I want.

But this letter serves you and me better. I think. Life has been really really rough for me and you were a life that I saw that could’ve been and I always regret not just staying loyal to you because of how much i cared about you. Just being patient with us. I just want to fix everything I did. But now moving on is best but I needed to say something like this explaining why. I am the way I am.

It would be nice to talk to you though.

I would want to be your friend or just someone who you don’t hate, someone who you can forgive.

I love you Lauren. You’ve helped me through dark Really lonely times. And the only reason why I come back to you is because there’s no one else who made me feel so loved and secure. I wish that I could go back and advise myself about how good of person you would be to be and to treat you right because of it. You were my ace, the one person who was there for me always. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be a better person to you when I had the chance to.

Thank you for helping me whether you knew it or not.

Jordan.

[stitchthebratprince-blog]

Hey momma, I hope you're doing well upstairs cause i'm not doing well down here at all. Its just been a bad day. I think doctor had a seizure last night. I got home late and your bed sheets were cover in his heavy seizure piss. I wasn't planning on being gone from home that long but i was. I ended up getting home like at mid-night and i gave himbhis pill to late. I ended up sleeping in the couch. I was going to finally try to sleep in my room but i couldn't so i slept on ths couch... that thing has never been any ones friend and the babies of course slept with me.

My mom called me today. I have been asking her for the details and information for your memorial service. I havent logged on to your facebook to tell the people there that you had passed away. There are still people i need to tell. Fuck.

So my mom called me. Well she called me yesterday but i was busy with alex and the er. Oh his foot got bigger and he was in more pain but he went to the er again and they gave him norco this time. He is doing a little better now.

Well she called me today. We talked. She finally gave me the address and the time. I asked her what time did she tell people it was going to end. I told her that 6pm was a good time. If the mass is at 11 that 6 pm was good time to end it. She wanted to negotiate. Then she said she would have rented a hall or sonething. I stopped it. I told her this isnt a fucking quince anos or some fucking birthday party. That she should have some respect for our home. It isnt hers she doesnt have rights here and then i just let lose on her. I told her what she did on Wednesday was no where remotely ok. Imagine, momma, if ok was an island in the pacific. What she did wouldn't even be in the same galactic super cluster. It probably wouldnt even be in the same universal chain quadriant. Whats a galactic cluster? Its, ok? We live in the milky way galaxy our neighbor galaxay is Andromeda so a galactic cluster is just a bunch of galaxies in a determined amount of space. Idk the scale but it looks like an mri of an active nervous system. The universal chain quadrant? The theory of the mutliverse. Multiple alternative earths? Its the way the universes branch out and how much they deviate from each other. Like the difference between an earth where the nazis win and an earth where all white people got taken out and there is universal health care and world peace and we started to explore the universe and colonized mars and shit oh and theybhave flying cars and shit? What?! World history is this in a nut shell. "White people arrived. White people fuck shit up. White people oppress native population. White people complain about the angry native population. Rinse and repeat." Now here is the trick question. Where am i talking about? India, the americas, Australia, china, the middle east, africa, the deep south of the untited states? Or better yet when am i talking about? Ok i get it you got it... its not racist if its ture momma... just sad.

What was i saying? Oh yea i told my mom off. I told her also why she even thought Jorge was then go to person to go to like he even has an opinion? Or a say in anything. I just let fly out of me. I told her it ends at 6pm. If she kept pushing the matter then it will end at 2 pm. No more negotiating no more talking. It tried to guilt me that she spent $900 of her own money on the memorial that she has limited funds because of her job. Its not the money that bothers me momma. I would pay anything to have you back i will pay anything to have your wishes come true and i told her that. That she didnt have to pay it all herself. If she had told us what she was doing and how much so we would have done it together but instead she wanted to do what she wanted to do so it falls on her. I also told her that she and Jorge didn't help out with your cremation. My dad, alex, silvia, and the guys from the shop all Pitched in to cover that expense. Not even my so called "friends" helped me out. She went on about her limited funds. My whole world ended with you. I have no income. I dont even have your income. I told you but you never ever really believed me. You go and all of this. The dream the hopes everything goes up in smoke and it probably is.

You were right about them. You called it. It sucks that your death was the price for this and alot of other lessons. You didnt have to go for me to learn this. I always knew they were shitty people my mom and friends. It just didnt matter to me cause you were, well you still are, my best friend. You were the person i would share my dreams and fears with. You were the one i would share my crazy theories and ideas with. You were the one that would get into the shits and the trenches with me. No one else would go as far and as deep as you did with me let alone for me. We survived your greatest fear together. We ended up homeless but you, me, and the babies and even skitty pulled through it together. We bought our dream house together Last year. We still have more to do together. You cant leave me here all alone. Cause even though the babies are here. Its still alone. They need you just as much as i need you. They probably need you more then me.

It basically it was exhaustive exchange. I hung up on her and i out my phone on silent and thenni drifted of to sleep in a nap. I ended up waking up like 3-4 hours later. I had so much to do today. I was going to replace the utility sink and do some laundry and start emptyimg out the office so i can turn it into a kids room for alex's kids and then at some point i need to empty out your room for alex and doha my room will be my room but it will also be the babies room. I need go to ikea to go buy more doggie beds for them. I really hope i am doing the right thing. I wish you were still here cause right or wrong we would go through it together and thats all that matter in the end cause we always guarantee outcome we would come out of it together.

I've decided because alex hasn't ever really had stability in his life, its funny how you and me are 14 years apart and alex is right in the middle of us with 7 years difference on both sides. I will let our home become his home. Well not his home. The kid's home. If the keep your home comes through the house payment will become way more manageable and once the judgement money comes in i will get the life insurance and invest it so i can have that for income and surplus, and thank god to white people and their bullshit, i will have 0 taxes for it. And doctor has what maybe 3 good years left in him maybe he might make it till he is 15 years old but at least you'll be waiting on the other side for him and the rest. And the babies maybe have 10 years in them maybe more. So what i have hopefully 10 more years to go till my time is up and hopefully my ticket gets punched. So anywhere between here and there i'll stablize myself and leave his kids the house and some money for college or whatever they want to do and oswaldito something too and i'll be able to bow out gracefully. But if i am able to make time travel practical in the next 10 years then maybe i can go back and save you and make these next 10 years pointless and edit time so it has you in it and all of this is a moot point and we can get the life and ending you deserved.

Regardless of what you may think or feel. I still need you. I am going to fuck up. I am going to probably end up crashing and burning. I am having such a hard time keeping it together righr now. When you were here it was so easy now it just takes so much just to breathe. Momma please come back! I love you.

[ambz1234321-blog]

New year, new post

I remember the first time I realized I was more sad than I’d ever been before

It wasn’t the kind of sad when your heart gets broken and it just aches, it wasn’t the kind of sad when you lose someone close to your heart, it wasn’t the kind of sad when your feelings get hurt over something silly but you take it to heart. It was this awful, gun wrenching kind of sad that was a mixture of every other kind of sad possible. Where you were so sad it turned into a mind out of body experience where I was so lost in the sadness that it didnt seem like there was anything else in existence for a while.

I was 15. You’d think after being deathly sick 9 months prior that I’d be on a kick of loving life and appreciating another chance. It was the exact opposite, however. I went through my cloud nine moment after getting healthy again, I had soo many friends and the cool, older, hot boyfriend who helped me make soo many more friends. I was cool, skinny, pretty. I had it really good for a 15 year old girl. But 15 is a sticky age. A lot of people have a hard time for different reasons but it’s definitely an age where you broaden your horizons, some people more than others, and it isn’t always easy. Peer pressure and the pressure of high school wasn’t really what my issue was. My issue was that I reached this age where I started to realize. Realize how much of my life had been sugar coated, how i really knew nothing about anything, how the only thing that made me so cool and so popular was the fact that me, and everyone else around me, knew nothing. So when I started to realize and learn things about myself that to this day, people still don’t know i know, I realized that I wasn’t anything special, that if people knew me and where I came from, my background, they’d be a lot quicker to judge.

The first time I ever remember thinking why my family was “different” was in 7th grade when a girl asked me if it was true that i was a “test tube baby” since I didnt know my dad. I didnt know what she meant then but i was quick to tell her no.

It was weird. I always knew that I knew my dads name, that i used to see him, that he lived near Eden Drive. There was just these things I knew. Never verified for most my life, but I just knew. People asked me if I was black, spanish, why i looked nothing like my mom. I never knew the right answers but I also never cared because people always loved my tan skin and curly hair. I never cared because I was Queen Bee. I had so many friends that i couldn’t keep up. I was never alone, I was never bored. Which for an only child, I was lucky I had so many good friends around. I remember watching so many friends go through their first heartbreaks. The ones that made them think they were gonna die, never “fall in love” again. The ones that made people hurt themselves because they were so convinced that at 15, it was the end of the fucking world. Out of the blue, I found my end of the fucking world. And holy shit do i wish it was over some stupid fucking boy.

I hate to say this  is where it started but I think it did start because of a boy and a supposed “best friend”. I was the cool girl, with the hot boyfriend, and all the friends. I thought nobody would dare to betray me or backstab me. But they did. My boyfriend and best friend hooked up, he dumped me like a piece of garbage before college because what college boy dates a high school right?? I’m embarrassed that thats where it started but I also, 5/6 years later, have accepted that there’s a lot of things that contribute to why I feel the way I do. No matter how stupid or small. I spent the summer after my sophomore year in my bedroom. I was in and out of the hospital multiple times that summer. I was “dehydrated” or had a "stomach bug” twice a month. I feel stupid for lying but I was “dehydrated” because I’ve always eaten in my room so I’d throw away my food or hide it until I could throw it away. Id lay in the sun for hours without water until I felt nauseous. And then take 16 advil to make me feel better. I tried to be as discreet as possible which was stupid. But nobody caught on so I guess I did fine. I still can’t take the blue advil PM’s to this day because the first time I attempted to OD was with those because they had the most out of all the pill bottles in the cabinet. I puked for 12 hours straight and laid in my bed & on the bathroom floor in a basically acomatose state for 3 days.

I remember slowly falling asleep after taking those advil and having the song Super Rich Kids be on repeat for probably 14 hours till I started puking. I can remember that song faintly playing again and again, for what felt like years. Sometimes it would fade away and I’d swear I was dying. Other times it was blaring.

It still sends chills down my spine every time I hear it.

I tried so hard that summer. I’m still depressed and I hate that after so long I still haven’t gotten better. But then I think about all the things I never would’ve done if I had taken my life that summer.

It became a normal thing for a few months, if i wasn’t taking a bunch of pills to fall asleep, I was cutting myself anywhere I could hide it. I had a playlist on my iPhone 4s called “ill kill myself to one of these.”

The first time someone noticed the cuts on my wrist was a kid in my PreCalc and Trig class. He was friends with a lot of people I was friends with but we never really talked. He saw one day and asked if I was okay. Of course I said I was fine and he grabbed my hand and told me he was always there if I ever needed someone.

If I had a chicken nugget for every time someone has told me they were there if I needed them, Id be 700 pounds and probably happy at that point. But the one thing that was different about him, was someone noticed me for something more than the popular girl, with the big butt, and all the friends. He didn’t care about any of that and was one of the most genuine people I’ve known to this day.

Once school started up again, I felt much better. Always partying, always with friends. But there was still just something driving me crazy deep down. One friday in october, I was home for once on a weekend. And checked my Facebook to find a message from what I thought said, “Alex Lamonaco.” I froze, and looked again to see I was wrong.. It said Alexis Lamanaco. I was so damn confused and wanted to just block this person cause I thought they were fucking with me. But I decided to accept the message. Which was the click that changed so much for me.

I did not think for one second that accepting that message was gonna be opening a door to a whole new world that had been kept a secret from me for a reason.

I wasn’t an only child. (From my dads side). Not only did I find out I had a sister, but a niece on the way. I was in fact half puerto rican. My dad was a piece of shit. My dad was in jail. My dad was in jail for molesting my older sister who’s mom wasn’t as strong as mine to fight for sole custody and she told me she was happy it was her and not me.

We’ve talked on and off ever since. Ive blown her off every time I was supposed to meet her. But she has always been understanding.

My niece is 5 now. My sister is a really good single mom, she reminds me a lot of my own.

Im 19 years old and my mom still denies that she somehow made me with another man who’s half puerto rican. It drives me so crazy that she can’t tell me about our life but after what I’ve learned.. I can’t blame her one bit. I can’t blame her for drinking excessively my life. I can’t blame her for being sad most the time. I can’t blame her for anything. Especially because I’m at the age she was when she had me and I can’t even imagine having to deal with the things that woman did.

I can remember the second time I tried to kill myself like it was yesterday. It was exactly a year and three days ago, in my apartment in Laramie, Wyoming. But I am getting too drunk and crying too much to write about it so ill save that one for another time.

i write this with complete confidence and as good as it fucking feels to write this all out and look at the bigger picture, I’m bawling cause of how far I’ve let this come. I can remember exactly where this sadness started. I can’t remember every thing Ive been sad about because as this disease has taken over me, I’ve began to get sad at everything. No matter how good or bad. I’ve met so many people along the way who claim to be depressed, suicidal, or anxiety ridden. I can now see maybe why people never took me(still don’t take me) seriously about it. I was so good at faking it. I swear I can look at a person and be able to look straight through their fake happiness. But I also would never want to make that assumption because people who feel this awful, will go to such extremes to hide it and make sure nobody can see that side of them. I keep finding excuses for myself. I feel this way cause of this and cause of that.. blah, blah fucking blah. But the only real reason, is come of myself. Ive proved to myself over a handful of times that theres nobody out there who can fix this or help me fix this. But i still can’t find it within myself to help myself when I am the ONLY person who has the ability to do so. So… with that. Im gonna sleep on it.. for the almost 2000th day in a  row. night night.