#this is why i made this account lmao i’ve been seeing so many things that remind me of heartstopper characters

[ofmermaidstories]

Bad day for nosy people who need to know what old fandom is 👀👀

lmao, i’m trying to talk myself out of it so that i don’t turn my current WIP list upside down on itself but. 🥹 i fear it has very powerful claws. 🦞 i’ve been mulling over like, why it ([Old Fandom]) is so attractive to me right now and i think it’s a combination of a few things!! like, one is the fact that i never originally left it by choice—real life kinda forced me away from my hobbies, and by the time i could circle back again, the fandom had died (i find it really interesting that so many modern fandoms don’t have staying power, but that’s a different discussion) and i was interested in different things. but now it’s seeing a revival and i’m remembering how much i loved it and how i never really… got closure for it, LOL, as silly as that sounds. 🥹 i never finished any of my ideas. 🥺 i went back into my old account actually, like a couple of weeks ago, and went through my fic drafts i had at the time and it—idk. i guess it just made me nostalgic. 🥹 it’s different, tonally, to what we do here in the bnha/x reader niche!! and it makes me itchy. 🥹😩 god!! so itchy. i wanna dig my fingers into it and move things around. dig it up from the garden. perform necromancy on the lover that doesn’t even know they’re dead, and blinks and finds themselves sitting in the same old kitchen with a cup of coffee in their hand. 🥹🥹🥹 i’m better equipped now—i know how to keep myself interested in long-term projects, how to finish them and, most importantly, what i like.

there’s a lot of stuff i like to write that i just don’t, here in our niche. either because it doesn’t fit in with the bnha world or just doesn’t like… suit the x reader POV. and that’s on me LOL, a better (or maybe more determined) writer could make all those things work, but part of what i like about bnha and x reader and [old fandom] is that they’re distinct—they all feel different. i wrote a lot before i got here!! i wrote so much. i wrote so much that i like, kinda burnt myself out on it LMAOO. there were tropes i liked and settings and tricks i used all the time that after a while they got boring to me. 🥹 and now after a million years of doing something different, i’ve realised—oh. i really liked all that. 🥹 i really like it, still.

idk!! idk. part of not naming the fandom is also because i haven’t decided if i wanna jump back in or not lmao. do i do it, knowing it’ll slow everything up even more? we tell ourselves all the time here in fandom circles that it’s just fanfic/fanart! you’re here to have fun! if it gets hard or boring or you wanna try something new—drop it! do it! you don’t owe anybody anything!! which is all very true yes sure. except i, me, mermie, want to finish things. i want the satisfaction of finishing the IAL series. im actually very proud of the fics, and while i know i will finish shouto’s (barring being kidnapped by pirates or aliens or death himself ig 💀), i also know im a slow writer, and that letting myself deviate off path into a completely different fandom will make me slower. 🥹 so idk. i guess ive just been ruminating on fiddly details like that LOL. also i don’t have a solid plot in mind yet (even tho i have a general gist of what i want) so that’s also probably the main leash rn LMAOOO. tbh if i get one im going in swinging, fist first, so let’s all hope that i remain idealess on that front lest the demons take me. 🥹🙏🏽

[lmanburs]

I’ve been so removed from all things twitch after. Y’know. That i was genuinely surprised to get one of those cheap promotion look at my twitch tiktoks on my fyp for the first time since. Like. 2020? You know the kind the uwu what is something that made you click off a twitch stream uwu I’m a small streamer and I wanna improve uwu? Anyways I was tempted (and this is probably really really horrible of me) to comment “abused his ex girlfriend” but thought better of it because I’m. You know. Over it and it’d feel more like a dig at the victim in the situation than anything else.

Anyways two days later dream goes on his rant and I’m once again reminded why I left all of this shit behind lmao. I’m fully convinced he forgot to switch accounts btw. Glad to see you on the dash though <3 missed u

This has been a really weird like 72 hours if I'm being completely honest 😭 Because admitedly I have been vaguely keeping up with the major mcyt discourse that's been happening since February (I am still unfortunately a very active Twitter lurker), this has been the first time I've seen so many people talk about mcyt drama in a very long time. It's also been really weird logging onto my main twt account where I try to avoid interacting with anything mcyt-related and seeing unrelated subtwt accounts make fun of Dream.

Anyways thank you anon :) i've been having a lot of fun scrolling on this account again it's nice to kinda be back and seeing my old mutuals having fun

[selfdestructivecat]

I’ve seen quite a few posts in response to Thomas’ recent video, specifically his year in review. In this video, he discusses the setbacks he’s faced the past few years — such as the quarantine, Joan’s departure, and his own personal doubts and insecurities — and how they impacted the production of Sanders Sides.

And I truly sympathize with him. No, seriously! It’s already difficult to create something this big almost entirely on your own, but I’m sure this year only made things even more difficult. I know I’ve definitely felt insecure to the point of feeling sick when it came to things I created, so I can empathize with the enormous amount pressure he must be feeling.

However, many posts I’ve seen following this video are saying things along the lines of “If people still criticize Thomas after this video, then I’m going to lose it” or “Not that people who criticize Thomas even care, but Thomas really struggled this year. I’m with him all the way!”, or even “I bet SaSi critics will still demand the finale even after this. I doubt they’ll even watch the video!”

I want to clarify that this is obviously not everyone who doesn’t like ts criticism. People who block criticism blogs and/or the tag, who ignore criticism in general, or who feel upset when they see criticism of something they love: this is not about you. You are absolutely valid and entitled to feeling the way you do, and I hope you have a lovely day. Feel free to block me if that would be good for your mental health. Please take care of yourself. /gen

But to those vocally condemning ts critics, I want to make several things clear.

First of all, you are lumping everyone who criticizes the show in with people who demand the finale with no regard for Thomas’ well-being, for the well-being of his crew, and for basic common sense. While many people are upset that the finale isn’t out yet, we aren’t specifically mad that we don’t have a completed video to watch; rather, we are frustrated with what this says about the SaSi crew, their work ethic, and how they treat fans of the show.

We aren’t upset that we can’t watch the finale right now. We are upset that we’ve gotten very few updates about the show during this period between canon episodes. This video provided wonderful insight into why the finale has been delayed, and we would have loved something like this years ago. Obviously it didn’t have to be a 20 minute video, but maybe a Twitter thread? Something small that made us feel heard?

Hell, even announcing an official hiatus would have satisfied the vast majority of critics (myself included), instead of throwing SaSi into this limbo of “Oh it’s going to be finished this year, we promise- oh whoops, never mind! Next year for sure!” It’s been a constant chain of broken promises, and we were more than happy to give the crew some grace the first few times, but after a while, a repeated mistake becomes a pattern. And this pattern is not pretty.

We are upset that the crew seems incredibly disorganized (going back to the lack of updates, and of course taking into account how we haven’t gotten even a single part of the finale in five years), which could affect the quality of this series we all love so dearly. beauty-and-passion has spoken about this a lot (and is a lot more eloquent than me lmao, please go check out their stuff!) The most recent Christmas video seems to demonstrate that the series may be on the right track, and I will admit I was wrong in regards to this video, but the Inside Out video is a mess in so many ways. Even if this doesn’t prove a decline in quality, it certainly indicates a lack of consistency, which can be just as damning for a series.

We are upset that, while SaSi is in this limbo, Thomas seems to have been focusing on his other projects without telling us about this change in priority. He is welcome to pursue other projects, obviously. I’m thrilled that he is having fun with Roleslaying with Roman and My Roommate is Hades. But these new projects have come at the cost of Sanders Sides content, which also points towards a lack of organization. Some clarity towards which projects Thomas chooses to focus on would have been wonderful and greatly appreciated, so that we know not to expect something we won’t receive. And hey, maybe if we knew not to expect SaSi content until much later, maybe we wouldn’t have been constantly asking why we weren’t receiving SaSi content?

(And this is not an excuse for aggressively demanding content, obviously. But I feel like people who are confused and frustrated at not receiving something promised to them are justified in these feelings.)

And maybe we’re jumping to conclusions in many regards. I won’t pretend that we are prophets who can peer into Thomas’ mind and know what he’s thinking and feeling at all times. But it’s pretty damn difficult to say that NONE of the above could suggest that Sanders Sides isn’t held in the same regard as it once was. Hell, Thomas even admits in the video that he doesn’t feel as connected with these characters as he once did.

Second, many people attacking critics are also quick to drag their character. We are impatient, greedy, selfish, and cruel. We don’t care about Thomas; we only care about the end product! More Sanders Sides at any cost! We don’t like critical thinking, since we obviously didn’t watch the video; we only want to find mean things to say about Thomas and the show! We don’t like engaging in civil debate with our fellow Fanders who may disagree with our opinions; we only want to make other people feel bad, and to make others hate the show, too!

Well, guess what? You’re doing to us exactly what you think we’re doing to Thomas: you’re assuming the absolute worst of us and looking for any reason to drag us down.

We are critics. We analyze media (media that we love, mind you) and we acknowledge that it isn’t perfect, that the creators aren’t perfect, and we point it out. But we still love it anyway, because to truly love something is to love it with its flaws, to know that it could be better, to brainstorm how it could reach its true potential, and to keep doing so because you believe in this potential.

We aren’t trying to take away the joy you feel from Sanders Sides. So please don’t try to take away ours.

[according2thelore]

2023 top five!

@preseriesdean thought it would be fun for artists/authors/creators to post their favorite five creations this year, and i agree! it can be anything: your favorite posts, fics, art, edits, fanvids, anything!

i saw some folks turning this into a tag game, so here are some tags! @deanwinchesterpregnant @dyed-red @mercette @crucifysam @weirdbrothers @togethertogethersoulmates @pookeenpie

if you end up doing it, pls tag me! i'd love to see y'all's works! :)

-lizzy

so in no particular order, here are the five fics i liked the best/am the most proud of!

considering that everything i’ve written on this account (240k words of it good lord) was published since february 23rd, i’ve got a lot to work with!

i was in the fandom back in 2012-2013 until 2016-2017, and when i rewatched it recently with some friends, i realized just how many words and feelings had been broiling since. i wrote a LOT for spn back in the day (not published, just for the pure joie de vivre), but everything on the ao3 is completely new since feb!

1. tell me, why are you still so afraid?

or, the "what do you want, sam?" fic. this one might be a surprise! it did moderately well, but i'm really happy with it! i love writing weechesters/pre-series, and i hope this fic did them justice! it hit a lot of points i liked, and i had so much fun writing it!! i'm proud of it! :)

2. you're pretty when you don't speak

or, sam's wife pov. i was shocked!!! aghast!!! frankly agog!!! at how much folks loved this one! i had the idea in the shower of all places, lmao, just the idea that wait, being sam's wife must be so lonely. it was not the usual fare (and written in second-person pov), so i was expecting it to gently and quietly flop. but no! i wrote this fic in two sittings at one a.m. the night before a paleopathology exam, so i'm shocked any of it was coherent in the morning. thank you, dear reader, if you interacted w it at all! :)

3. romans 3:10-11

ahh, romans. to other folks that write, this was one of those fics that scratched in my bones until i sat down and wrote it all out. does that sound pretentious? it was stifling; it was all i could think about. even now, i look back on it and feel like there are things that are missing, extended scenes and extra themes that i wished i had teased out. the response was overwhelming and positive and i'm so glad you lot liked it! if you ever want more...idk...lemme know...

4. we didn't get it right, but love we did our best

or, the Heaven fic! this one took awhile to make, and a lot out of me to do! it's the longest fic i've made this year, by a lot! the planning process was a lot of fun (even though charlotte was mostly asleep), and i even colour-coded themes and turning points i wanted to include. the sense of accomplishment when it was done was a great part of this year!

5. there's no such thing as a clean break, when your heart starts bleeding out

or, the stanford!era fic where dean bleeds out on the highway and decides to not tell sam about it. one of my favorite things to write is a character getting more and more out of it as they lose control (or blood), and this one was a fun challenge! i love stanford!era dean, because he's so mangled and angry and sad. i feel like that one tweet that william shatner posted where he said ELECTROCUTE HIM!!! this also feels the most like the things i wrote back in 2014, so it brings nostalgia :,)

this was WAY harder than i thought! i loved and was so proud of so much of my work this year! a top ten would be easier, but i'm happy with this list!

thank YOU for reading! :)

we are holding hands now and there's nothing you can do to stop it. y'all keep this up and we might even have to stare lovingly into each other's eyes.

[wolfwrenbrainrot]

All the thoughts I ever had about SW ship wars from 2015 to 2023?? And why I ship Wolfwren I guess Idk

⚠️ DISCLAIMER ⚠️

I’ll be discussing the ship wars that are happening right now in the ahsoka fandom and compare it to how my perception about the fandom war that happened during the sequel era changed with the years). Oh, and I’m going to get into some tangencies that may not make much sense most of the time, so reading this to the end is on your own account. I ended up being a bit cynical too, but not in a mean way, I hope?

.

.

.

.

.

I usually give up everytime I start writing an opinion on tumblr, because most of the time I just think my opinion won’t change anything, but the ahsoka fandom got “revived” (not that it was dead, but, well, we haven’t had any new episodes and to an extent the most of us move on to others shows a little until we get new content, like it happened these last few days) and I’ve been thinking about this show all on my own for a while (my friends aren’t really into Star Wars stuff, so they can listen, but they’ll never GET IT like interacting with fans online will). I’m explaining myself too much, but all I mean by that is that by writing this, I don’t intend to add fuel to the fire. That’s why i won’t tag sab//ra, r//lo or mention the ships just because I don’t want to upset those of them that can have normal conversations about media nor trigger those that can’t (which, thankfully, doesn’t seem to apply to all sab//zras). So, if you don’t like Wolfwren, you’ll only see this if you are looking for a ship you don’t like or if you’re invested enough in not liking it to check the anti tag. I’m not judging, we all been there. In fact, I was there during the sequel era, with a ship that is pretty similar in dynamic to Wolfwren. It was also pretty similar to a ship I loved at the time, Catradora, from Netflix’s She’ra. So, yeah, I was a big hypocrite. I still kinda think sapphic enemies to lovers is the superior taste of the trope, but that’s because I’m so profoundly gay it would scare the gayest gay, so obviously the ships I’m more invested in are sapphic. It’s a given. But my point is, now I see the whole R//lo argument from a different angle, that you can disagree with, but I believe is more realistic:

I don’t ship it.

Although it is an illusion to believe our taste in fiction is not related to who we are as people (because blah blah blah capitalism blah blah blah I’m a commie), it is possible to distinguish what we want from two fiction characters and how we expect to meet our partners in real life lmao.

(This next part I’m a bit uncertain of how it’ll be perceived, but I hope it makes sense. Please, both R//los and antis that may or may not be reading this, be patient and try to understand what I’m trying to say.

Yes, Finn was casted aside by Lucasfilm. Yes, K//lo getting a more prominent role in the films played a part in this whole process. Yes, there was a part of the R//lo fandom that was racist to John Boyega. This is also true for the Star Wars fandom as a WHOLE, because there was plenty of shitty dudebros complaining about the same shit they’re complaining today, “woke culture” and all that crap, just because they decided to have a woman and a black man as the protagonists. A decision that most likely wasn’t made by those executives thinking: “Oh, wouldn’t it be so great if we made a few minorities feel seen in this universe many of them really love?”. But it did that.

The Force Awakens came out and, despite being, at the same time, a remake of A New Hope and a continuation of Return of the Jedi, its new characters had SO. MUCH. POTENTIAL. And, limitations imposed by mainstream products made by big corporations and set in galaxies far, far away from ours aside, black people and women felt represented. It is one of the many contradictions of symbolic effect of minorities groups being represented in media produced in the system that oppress them (commie, warned you). Does it change things? No, not really. Isn’t it usually done it a way full of limitations that sometimes reinforce certain ideas that are pretty harmful? Yeah… Kind of… But didn’t it feel great, after growing up frustrated that Leia wasn’t a Jedi in the old movies, to have Rey? Wasn’t it awesome that black people got Finn? This complex (at least, it started that way) defected stormtrooper turned rebel? That could, maybe, even be force sensitive…? Yes to all of those questions! Tricky, isn’t it? By the way, I do believe that (before TROS) Finn had the narrative placement of Han (reluctant hero), Poe had Leia’s (rebel leader that gets captured and literally puts important information in a droid lmao), Rey had Luke’s (lives a boring life but has a calling to the adventure blah blah blah becomes a hero, we all heard it so many times) and Kylo had Vader’s (villain that’ll eventually get redeemed by the hero). All basic, old hero’s journey. A story structure that, despite being critical of, I eat up every fucking time it envolves spaceships and lightsabers. Getting back to the point, representation has its limits but it matters and the Star Wars fandom is full of racist, sexist pieces of shit and there was a percentage of the R//lo fandom that were too. But shipping R//lo isn't, like, intrinsically racist. You can make an argument for the implications of Adam Driver being chosen as a romantic interest (both by many fans and by Lucasfilm) over John Boyega, but at the same time there is, to some degree a level of which trope (friends to lovers or enemies to lovers) attracts you more. For me, it depends. I was a Finnpoe with a soft spot for Finnrey and an anti R//lo. But I’m obsessed with Wolfwren. Guess I like non-menacing men and evil lesbians. Wonder why Ezra Bridger is my favorite Rebels character and I ship Wolfwren. 🤔

Going back to the “Opinion on R//lo checklist”:

Would I like to meet my future partner by being kidnaped? No, not really. Do R//lo shippers want that? I think it's pretty safe to say they don't, even if they joke about it as much as I do about wanting Shin Hati to stab me. Because, ohh, right, it's a fictional movie about spaceships, galatic wars and space wizards. Yeah, I totally forgot about that when I was younger.

So, shipping R//lo doesn't mean you condone abusive relationships or domestic violence or whatever. Same applies to Wolfwren. ‘Cause, like, they aren't in a relationship yet, they’re not even friends or allies… They're on opposite sides of a war. You’re supposed to try to kill each other. Some people are just intrigued by the tension/dynamic between two characters and some others are just attracted to the characters and want to read about them fucking, and if it upsets you enough that you need to try to annoy people into stop shipping it… you need to rethink your relationship with fiction. I’m saying this because I had to do it, too. I went on with the mob and statements I agree to this day got mixed up with a bunch of nonsense and I thought that by being anti R//ylo I was making a statement, I was fighting against the romanticization of toxic relationships. I wasn't. It’s like that Luca Guadagnino’s film, “Bones and all”. Canibalism as a metaphor for love has been explored in multiple ways, by multiple artists in paintings, films, novels… Does it mean all the people who produced and consumed those works want to eat human flesh?

There’s also different ways of shipping an ETL ship. I love Wolfwren, and, in fanon, I don't mind it getting super angsty and fucked up, Killing Eve style, but I also love it when it's a slowburn romance with them going from enemies to reluctant allies to slowly building a friendship and falling in love. Do you see the range? Shipping is also about imagination, about overanalyzing things, about wondering what could character x possibly bring to character y? If Wolfwren ever does become canon, my perfect scenario would be the slowburn one, though I’ll love every second of them fighting and stare into each other's eyes until then.

If you ship S/b/rza, it doesn't mean you're homophobic. Unless you, well, use homophobic rhetoric to hate on Wolfwren and/or its shippers. This homophobic rhetoric can also be an attempt of being (hate to use this word) “woker” than the person shipping a gay ship and saying the queer people shipping Shin and Sabine are actually reinforcing lesbian stereotypes. Triste me when this is not the hot take you seem to think it. Maybe try researching a bit about queer representation in media, queercoding and the hays code era. Or try to put yourself in our shoes. As I stated above, representation has its limits but it matters and increases our ability to connect to the pieces of fiction we're consuming. In my case, as much as I can enjoy it, there's always gonna be a degree of alienation when it comes to “straight people media”. That's why I headcanon characters as sapphic. Because I am. That's why autistic people headcanon characters as being autistic. Same goes for trans people and other minority groups that do the same. So, in the end, it doesn't really need to be canon and even after today I’m still not that hopeful, ‘cause, again, it's Disney. If anything, there's always a possibility that, if Shin lives, she ends up being paired up with a random dude just so people can't call her a lesbian (this has never, ever, stopped a lesbian before tho lol). I'm guessing whatever happens with Wolfwren won't affect what happens to S/b/rza. I may be proven wrong in the future but I think they closed that door in the show, at least for now. Filoni doesn't seem that interested in writing romance to me, especially this time around. We are yet to see physical or romantic attraction being even remotely alluded to in this show. (S/b/rzas interpretation of Sabine's motivation to find Ezra or my interpretation of the tension between Shin and Sabine doesn't change that). It's a pretty sexless show (and I’m not saying they should have explicit sex on a Star Wars show, but George Lucas didn't shy away from romance and showcasing attraction and romantic love). I believe that's why he made sure to “discard” S/b/rza, despiste knowing it was a relatively popular ship in the Rebels fandom (obviously it doesn't stop anyone from shipping it, but it is an indicative of how Filoni intended us to perceive their dynamic). You know what I mean? Wolfwren happening or not, being or not supported by the cast and crew, doesn't change anything for your ship. And to be really honest, it is kind of funny to me that some people feel threatened by Wolfwren. ‘Cause, like, even if Filoni wants to make it canon, in the end it will be up to Lucasfilm and Disney to allow it or not and the best they gave us so far is Velcinta in Andor. Do you truly believe we have a better chance at getting our endgame than you do? Come on, guys. Please. I don't think any of us will, just to be clear, but even if Wolfwrens “win” this ship war, it won't be like some injustice or disrespect towards the s/b/rza fandom. Same goes for s/b/rza, because unlike Poe x Zorrii that was a last minute, pulled of their ass straight romance that only existed to send the very clear message that Poe Dameron is a heterossexual man (lol, he isn't). Ezra and Sabine do have a history together that I see as platonic but can be interpreted as romantic. And you will still be able to ship it, even if Sabine ends up with Shin. That's why fanfiction exist. If she ends up with Ezra, I’ll keep reading my Wolfwren fanfics and be happy with it. At the end of the day, it's just fiction. I care enough about it to write a long ass Tumblr post, but not to make me actually upset over a relationship that isn't my own.

[ashsostrange]

I'm honestly surprised at the amount of people who are still supporting him.He's got his little ((whats left of them at least)) fan base wrapped around his fingers.

“ He’s a minor he cant think for himself, his brain ain't developed!!” “ You don't know what it's like for him at home!” my fav so far “y'all are ablest and racist!! Yall don't care about black people!”

Bitch no one gives a fuck that he is black!! Motherfucker is telling people/threatening to eat glass to get away from what he's said to people. Calling someone out for gaslighting and trying to manipulate people with that shit ain't racist. Also using self diagnosis and laying about taking pill that will “get you high” as a way to get out of all his call outs. This is the stupidest shit I have seen while being on tumblr for the past three or so years like damn!!💆🏾‍♀️

perioddd!! lemme talk my shit again

i honestly giggled when his bf tried to say “y’all hate black people” when pretty much everyone speaking on him is black. why would i do that bc he’s black?? i’m black, not to mention a darskin girl. do with that info what you will.

ppl wna make us seem like bullies so bad. this isn’t just about what happened w catty, hell, it’s hardly about her at all! it’s ab his behavior in general. it’s inappropriate! if he would’ve just owned up, there wouldn’t have been a problem. i’m not obsessed w this nigga, i don’t care to go out of my way to make a post ab him everyday. he’s the one who escalated this further. he only wants us to “mind our business” when we’re not coming for his neck.

ab his mental health, if he doesn’t have a real diagnosis, he needs to not claim mental illnesses like that, but rather acknowledge that something is wrong with him. if you make a mistake, you need to not blame every damn thing on your said mental illness. if anything it’s a justification, but never an excuse. take the initiative to look at yourself and decide if you’re in the right headspace to be on the internet or not. i struggle with mental health, but not in the way he allegedly does. if ik i’m not in the right headspace for something, i step away. he needs to do that. and invest in a diary.

i genuinely don’t know why people are defending him when he did this to himself. if woulda stopped riding my dick like beyoncé rode that surfboard, then maybe we wouldn’t be here right now. accountability isn’t a bad thing. we’ve all made mistakes. i know i’ve made many, it’s about how you address them that matters.

i was literally defending his lame ass when he was sending inboxes as an anon to cause more mess between these two girls. yao was saying he was behind the anon and obv i didn’t believe her bc it wasn’t making sense to me at the time, and there was no real way to prove it. but then he started sending her hella inboxes and tagged all his mutuals saying “war has begun” a whole day later. when i tell you i showed one of my bsfs that post and we LAUGHEDD 🤣🤣🤣 nigga this is tumblrrrr, not a battlefield! from that day i’ve been watching him lmao. didn’t wna say anything about his behavior until i gathered more info cuz i’m not a mean girl (and didn’t want his army bombarding my inbox), but this is ridiculous.

and i’m so glad lia dmed me one day so we could discuss his weirdness. we literally played his ass and he didn’t know. bro was sending her msgs talking ab “i liked your new fic, but you blocked me” and he was the only one she had blocked recently. he sent so many hateful msgs under anon after that, nd he was reblogging it acting like it wasn’t him like… ok weird nigga.

i’m not ableist or “racist” (i’m literally fucking black!) fuck i gotta b ableist for? i’m the last person to rock w any kind of tomfoolery, and all my mutuals and irls know that. i’m unapologetically me on this blog. what you see is who i am.

“he’s a minor!!” so are the rest of us dealing with his bs bro. i’m literally SIXTEEN 😭

like i said, in most situations, if multiple people (with good morals) are telling you that you’re wrong, you can’t be right. i was never disrespectful with him to begin with. you get disrespectful with me, i get disrespectful with you. don’t care who you are ✌️like thank yewww

[imfromthemiddlekingdom]

I’d be the first to admit I can be very biased and stubborn when it comes to characters I relate to, just look at my unapologetic defense of Feanor and his sons, but I’ve never sent anyone death threats and rape threats over them not agreeing with me on my interpretations of a character. Like I don’t exactly like Indis but I’ve never went out of my way to send anon hate to people who love her. I despise Thingol but I can see where he comes from in regard to the Noldor and have never sent any anon hate to people who hate Feanor and his kin.

Most fandoms I’ve been in have had so called “teams” that people root for yet never in my many years in fandom spaces have I seen a fandom as toxic and unwilling to engage in polite discourse as the HoTD fandom. Even the Star Wars fandom with all its media illiteracy doesn’t have the level of hate present in the HoTD fandom.

I’ve made many “controversial” posts about many things in many fandoms yet I’ve never once received death and rape threats over it until I started posting about my opinions regarding HoTD. Even my most controversial Silmarillion posts didn’t warrant any anon hate yet my inbox has been filled to the brink with anon hate regarding my “wrong analysis” within this fandom. Idk if it’s because the demographic of people who are staunchly team black tend to be younger teens and adults who feel like any opinion that attacks their favorites is an attack on them or because the show writers are encouraging the black and white thinking of one side is good and the other side is evil, but it’s quite tiring engaging in this fandom when most people attack anyone who’s opinions don’t align with their own.

Now I’m not saying Team Black Stans are the only one engaging in such uncouth behaviors but the majority of people I’ve seen being bullied off this site have been people who are Team Green or just Alicent Stans.

When did the internet etiquette of don’t like don’t read/block and move on, stop being practiced? It isn’t hard to just scroll down when you see posts you disagree with or just block the account with opinions that you find infuriating. It’s better for everyone’s mental health and internet experience if people just blocked and moved on instead of sending 10 anons in an hour telling me to kill myself or how I should be raped because I happen to enjoy Aegon as a character.

These people aren’t real! Their fictional! I like Feanor because I like him and I find him interesting. It doesn’t mean I want to go out and start killing people to get back stolen property lmao. And just because I enjoy team green far more than team black doesn’t mean I’m going to one day decide that I should start assaulting people. 

And don’t get me started on the people who deliberately go onto correctly tagged posts to start a fight. Why do you want to argue so badly!!!! Join a debate team if you want to argue with people who also want to argue with you! There’s no need for you to scroll through a tag that is going to make you angry just to start a fight. I don’t go into the anti-Jedi tags and start scrolling. I don’t engage in media that upsets me if I can help it. My internet experience is curated to make me happy, and if I know the anti team green tag would make me angry, I don’t go scrolling through it to start arguments with people I’ve never met and will never meet and who’s opinions really don’t mean jack shit to me.

[lilting-aurora]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @fulcrumstardust !! thank u💞

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

2 on my main account browneyed_jedi , 1 I regret orphaning, and 1 on another account

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

6,321! baby steps :D

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Star Wars on the whole :)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. it’s the only one on my alt account….it’s hilarious how much better this smut fic did then anything else i’ve ever done

2. he was breathing, at least (1,052 words) - my whumptober prompt! it was quite hard for me to write so i’m glad people seem to like it :)

3. untitled high school AU (2,058 words) - this WILL be finished one day i promise!!

4. an unhappy medium (3,211 words) - this is the work i orphaned, it’s the half blood prince retold from draco’s perspective!

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

ALWAYS. comments are so precious to me ❤️

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

gotta be my whumptober prompt “he was breathing, at least”. i’m really proud of the ending in particular

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

“untitled high school AU” for sure. it’s nowhere near finished yet, but they sure made up quickly lol

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i’m not quite big enough for that. a bit scared for when that day comes haha

9. Do you write smut. If so, what kind?

I’ve written a LOT of smut, but never posted any on my main. i want to one day, though. seeing how well the other one performed is convincing me lmao

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

idk what counts as a crossover but i’m currently writing a rebelcaptain The Creator AU and i’m having so much fun with it. gonna try write a bit more before i post it

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Probably not

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

no but i would absolutely LOVE to!! if anyone wants to join me please dm me whenever

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

it’s rebelcaptain why are you even asking

but recently i’ve gotten into gwen/miles from the spider-verse movies! they’re just so cute 😭ñ

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

i’m gonna make it happen no matter what - but it’s the untitled high school AU. life has just been getting busier and busier and will only get worse over the next year, but this thing WILL be finished one day

16. What are your writing strengths?

i’d like to say description? like visual descriptions of things. i really enjoy it. also dialogue is really fun and easy to write

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

disciplining myself to actually write lmao. i also tend to write slowly cos im a perfectionist

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i like it but i prefer having at least a basic grip of the language

19. First Fandom you wrote for?

harry potter!

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

it’s the Creator AU i haven’t posted yet - i’m just so proud of the imagery :) from what ive posted it would be “he was breathing, at least.”

tagging: @quarantineddreamer @luciechat @imsfire2 @mosylufanfic

[aaalanasblog]

Journal Entry #1:

I have no idea what life is right now. I feel like when you hit 23-26, you begin to wonder what you’re even doing for real. You’re really a toddler-adult. Like I’ve only been here for three days??

I was affected by layoffs in 2023 and wasn’t able to find something else to keep my income stable during that time. It was frustrating having my income drop ✨drastically✨. But during the same year, I found newfound confidence in achieving my dream of becoming a pop artist?

I long let the dream go because I felt that I maybe was too weird; too ugly; too overweight; too anxious; too poor. I had auditioned for a few music variety shows in elementary, middle, and high school, and nothing ever stuck. So I just assumed that maybe it wasn’t fated?

But now at 25, I realize that I was made for this. It truly runs in the family, and now it’s my turn to decide between choosing my dream that’s a bit unconventional vs choosing stability. It’s been 7 months and I’m still choosing my dreams no matter how low my bank account gets; how frustrated I feel when I don’t pass auditions. It’s all building me up to become better.

The ideas I have? The talent I have? The work ethic I’ve gained? The maturity I’ve gained? It all needed to happen in this order I think. I want a long, successful, multi-faceted career. Little me wouldn’t be able to handle it at all. I’ve gained community through an academy I attended to learn dance that inspires me to keep going; I’ve done some in-person auditions to expose myself to higher-pressure situations so I can learn to ground myself; I’m learning and training myself at home to ensure my skills only grow, not plateau; I am actively making sacrifices so I can be better all-around. I have no choice but to succeed.

I’m just hoping that an entertainment company believes in me as much as I believe in myself. I recently submitted 2 auditions to companies that I truly see myself thriving in and believe I may be a good fit for based on their vision of disrupting the global music market (they are kpop company adjacent!). I didn’t choose them lightly. I even created a PDF to pitch myself with a letter and all. I wanted them to see that I’m serious about this. It’s not a quarter-life crisis; I’m not trying to prove “I still got it”. I want them to see that I want to make entertaining my full-time, long-term career. I want to inspire people with my story and with my life. There are so many people who give up on their dreams because of current reality, and I want to be an example that they don’t have to do so.

Being an entertainer, to me, is a huge job of service. You’re serving society and offering yourself to inspire others and facilitate conversation; to add to culture. It’s a beautiful thing that I don’t take lightly.

Anywho…lol I’ve rambled a lot. Idk why I even said all this here. I don’t think anyone who I’ve sent an audition to will see it. Did I say all this for the plot? lmao.

I just hope I’m able to at least do a training test run. It’s a gamble to accept a 25 year old. I just want a chance to prove myself and to show that I can truly do great things. Bring my vision to life. Idk.

Well I guess that’s all for now! Bye 🫶🏽

[vinnyfrias]

okay i’ll respond to this because why not. your phrasing of what i say makes it sound different to what i actually said also lol and it’s better you address the entirety of what i said if anything rather than picking and choosing what paints you out to be the good one.

yes, i did search through your blog a few times to see truly how much you’ve been saying about me and yes then i decided to respond so that this isn’t one sided.

i also do not make being mentally ill my whole personality? never did i mention that in any of my posts. in fact, i talk about the ins and outs of my mental health significantly less than i did two years ago because it’s actually improved drastically. my tumblr used to revolve around my system just as yours revolves around your own but i’m long past that lmao. it’s hypocrisy at its finest.

the trying to get your account suspended part or whatever i’ll admit was because i felt disgusted that you’re able to seem like an angel in this entire situation and still paint me out to be not only a monster but also you seem to think in two years i haven’t changed at all. two years in teens years is a BIG leap. also i never said it meant so little to me and that i didn’t even care lol. i do care about the impact it’s had on me because i’m actually trying to heal in life. i do care that you’re painting a child in a bad light. one you should’ve cut contact with as soon as you knew their age. yeah i also should’ve cut contact but it’s generally the adult’s responsibility to take initiative in the situation.

the hypocrite part, you are a hypocrite in the sense that in the past you seem to have thought i was obsessing over you and everything that happened when i wasn’t. not until a few days ago. you on the other hand have been this entire time. there’s also the hypocrisy of you claiming i don’t want to or haven’t changed but you have been here this entire time stuck on the same stuff and seem to be similar if not the exact same to how you were before. tbh i will give you that as an adult a two year maturity and growth difference is teeny and as a teenager it’s huge tho.

“i’m so over him” i was mostly for a while but those things that came back to me occasionally and i hated how it made me feel so i came back because i thought hey maybe i can actually have a proper final departure and also face the pure disgust and anxiety these memories give me. i don’t want you to have that power over me anymore and i don’t want me to have that power over you. we both shouldn’t be doing this back and forth thing right now but we are and it’s all begun from me wanting to share my side of the story because i haven’t been yapping about it on my socials for over a year. i don’t want your existence to hurt me or my existence to somehow hurt you. facing the things we’re afraid of or that hurt us can be useful in getting over them entirely.

i originally wanted closure yes but now it’s become more of a not only that but i actually want to share my side of events. if you want me to stop responding to you directly in doing that then that’s completely fine just let me know and i’ll go and share my side on my own.

i do know who i am and like i’ve mentioned previously, my life is far better. i know who i am now more than ever before. i even have no desire for suicide anymore. in addition to the fact you think i “don’t want to get better”, you say that without even knowing half of what i’m like now. you still refuse to bring up the fact i was fourteen years old and going through many things. many of which you were aware of. life was so different to now. honestly, regardless of what i say or do in life, you’ll always claim i “don’t want to get better” because you have some image of me in your head that’s fixed and will never change because you won’t let it.

you do not know me at all anymore. you’ve been so addicted to the idea of me being some master manipulator to the extent i cannot even be nice without you thinking it’s fake. if i’m mean i’m attacking you and being horrid and need to change but if i’m nice i’m lying and i need to change. there is no winning at all. you are not giving me space to change in your head at all because regardless of what i say or do you won’t believe it. there is no amount of growth that could change that. i could win a nobel peace prize and you’d still think the same.

also i haven’t insisted i’m fully fine at all. i am not. what i am doing is trying to face what i am not fully fine about so i can be fine and stop letting it make me feel weak. still with the phrasing things i’ve said in a different way to how i actually said them. tone and context matters.

if i was really what you try to paint me as id be crying over the “misgendering” and the points i made back in response to you would be weak and rushed. i wouldn’t be making sure i try to include faults on both of our sides here and there and i’d be focusing exclusively on what you did wrong like you’ve been doing with me.

you know what, on that note i’ll be making a post listing some of what i did wrong as well because it’s only fair

[ropes3amthoughts]

Long ramble of my thoughts in a diary entry-esque format that felt too ridiculously long to post without a cut before it:

At work (I can’t spend the money btw bc I’m a minor and I don’t have my own credit card or like financial independence so my parents just put it somewhere. I thought they were saving it for college but apparently my mom plans to put it into my retirement fund? Ok this wasn’t what I was going to talk about in my rant at all but I just need to say that sounds like a total scam. Save up like a million dollars for when you’re 62 years old? What the fuck am I gonna do with a million dollars when I’m that old? Buy snacks that’ll kill me instantly? Buy a trip somewhere and then get dizzy in the plane because I’m old as shit? What could a 62 year old do with one million dollars wtf why not just put it in an account with normal interest now so I can like have it for when I need it/want it? What if I die before 62 is my money just wasted? Sounds like a horrible plan to me. I know it’s like to last me but I feel like if I turn 62 years old I’m dying the next day I don’t have a model healthy life style my ass is making it like maybe 70 at most. I feel confident that I do not need a million dollars in my 60’s. I don’t have a million dollars on me by the way I’ve only made like $3000 but with interest my mom said it’ll be like a million when I’m 62 and like man can’t I just like have my money now I could like give it to people who need it now or like use it for college like c’mon now why are we gambling on me needing it 45 years in the future wtf I am scared of even being like 18 years old or like 30 years old like 62 is some crazy fuckin numbers and I told my mom I didn’t want to but she never listens to me so she’s probably doing that anyways smh bruh)

Ok anyways what I was originally saying was at work I was struck with the thought of the Dungeon Meshi fandom becoming one of those notoriously evil fandoms (like Voltron) after season 2 of the anime airs and I felt like Kate from Alpha and Omega when she has that prophetic dream of the different wolves fighting (ok that’s a cringe ass reference but like I was kinda like her in that one scene and it’s so funny to me at least) like oh lord bruh that’s gonna be me fr I can already see all the people getting insane over ships especially since in the latter half of the manga the characters get closer and form new bonds and stuff and it’ll be a mad house with people saying what ship is better and what not dude I can already see like the KabuMisu foot massage scene, the Laicillle Succubus scene, the Marchil marriage scenario thing, the scene where Marcille is longingly staring at Falin in the ice, the scene where Kabru says he wants to be Laios’ friend, etc. etc. like all of those scenes are gonna be like putting an apple in a container of 20,000 meal worms put in 500x speed the people are gonna go mad I tell you and I am afraid

I think what spurred this is I’ve seen a handful of my buddies like diss each other (though it’s not been direct like fighting it’s more like they show a screenshot of one of their posts and be like “yikes” or vague them or stuff) plus I’ve been on Twitter (ok that’s my fault I know I know Twitter sucks) and people were getting into the stupidest arguments about shipping like the one “Laicille is hated because it’s straight” thing getting like 40k likes and people were being like wildly homophobic n stuff and like it dawned on me that once season 2 comes out and like however many thousand people come back plus the new people coming in too it’ll be like that times however many bajillion people and that’s crazy idk if I could put up with that Imma fall to the floor sobbing especially if anybody asks me to like a pick a side or some shit like I don’t even care about ships that much 😭😭😭 Idk if it’s bc DunMeshi has like no romance or if it’s just one of those medias where I don’t ship anything lmao because I’ve gotten in a handful of those like Subnautica and Hollow Knight were games I came out of shipping nothing and DunMeshi was the same for me like after people pointed out ships I was like that one “what the hell sure” meme and just went with whatever but I just didn’t ship anything reading it and I’m not even really attached to anything now and I’m just kinda whatever y’know

Man this is kinda awkward now because this was gonna be like a post post but it’s just like awkward rambling I’d tell my friends but now that I’ve said it all at once and with a bit of a like undertone of me telling it to an audience (a tumblr audience) I can’t really organically share it with my friends anymore so I guess I’m still sharing it with you guys? Idk I feel weirdly share-y tonight that’s probably not a good thing. I’m gonna play a game after I post this I think. What game? Idk imma just look at stuff and figure it out as I go lmao but imma have fun and play uh bye to anyone reading this

[onlyswan]

hi art!! I just recently came across ur acc and im curious abt some stuff like for one what are ur fave musicians to listen to ? Bc I remember the first thing I read from ur page - I forgot the name 😭 but it was when oc and jungkook kept meeting on a train while she was listening to cas and reading a book and omg since that moment I knew u were my favorite writer bc you were able to capture all my feelings and I just resonated with ur writings sm !! And I also have been using cas as my safe music for years now so seeing someone else also feels the same from years back makes me feel heard somehow !! I felt so safe and just so happy reading ur stuff like I forget about all my struggles I get excited to go to bed since my routine consists of reading ur stuff and it’s literally a daily thing now lol, and if u ever think about doing a long fic or even a novel pls do bc I am in LOVE with ur writing style you are able to capture the smallest details without dragging a story or make it boring you truly can bring stuff to life !! I used to read a lot and try and write poetry and sometimes stories too but thing got in the way and is slowly stopped but you made me remember why I love books so much and why I wish I couldve been a writer and that’s something so special !! also when did u first start stanning bts and have you ever been on the editing community lol? sorry for the rant and bombardment of questions and extreme enthusiasm but tbh I’ve realised that since I love ur fics so much I should start to get to know a bit about the writer and how you came across to writing them !! I hope u know how many peoples days you make better with these stories and ur so sweet too, keep being u !! :33

some of the other artists i listen to are txt, iu, frank ocean, beabadoobee, niki, mitski, fka twigs, omar apollo, hozier, the rose, wave to earth :D and i became an army during mots7! and i assume you meant writing community? :O but since i was like 9 i’ve been writing short stories and mainly poetry as a hobby and hid them all in the drafts. i never rlly published anything until i started this blog !

OMGSJDHDKDKF you’ve been here since gold rush!? this is so insane to me bcs i was pretty much mia in 2021 plus i was in my experimenting phase :| thank you so much for being here all these time !! 😭😭😭💗 i’m so happy we were able to connect through music <3 my favorite form of art <3

and i reallyyyy wish i can do a long fic but i have such a horrible attention span and committment issues lmao 😭 once i get annoyed or bored i immediately detach myself from something it’s a big problem </3 but thank you for your interest i can’t believe you would want to read an entire novel from me 🥹🥹🥹

I am in LOVE with ur writing style you are able to capture the smallest details without dragging a story or make it boring you truly can bring stuff to life !!

oh i’m gonna cry 🥲 i love you so much you have no idea how much i needed to hear this! i’m always insecure about being too much or too little with my writing so this is so comforting 🫂🫂🫂

and omg don’t be sorry i love this energy 🥹 !! i sometimes receive asks from ppl that seem to forget that there’s a real person running this account and that makes me feel dispirited so you’re such a breath of fresh air <3 thank you beloved for being so sweet and kind and reading my works it means the world to me 🤍🤍🤍

[dumplingsjinson]

Just did a quick calculation and I basically ended up spending nearly thirty six hours straight with him so um- 💀 That’s the longest I’ve spent with him lmfao, and at one point he was like “We should get you home” AHA.

And the family members whom I’ve only met yesterday probably quickly realised I’m not Just A Friend considering how we were pretty touchy with each other.

Like his grandpa at first was like “Why don’t you introduce your friend?” to him, but I’m pretty sure he ended up catching on later on 🤣

He ended up dropping me home late at night and when I was leaving he kept repeating, “See you again soon, hopefully?” like he was uncertain if we’d see each other soon (hectic work schedules — I know he’s gonna be quite busy for the next however many weeks or so) but hoping we would, anyway, despite our schedules. I wasn’t really giving him an answer cause I was so fucking tired and out of it but I was finally like “Yeah, when are you next free? ‘Cause I’m not too sure when I will be” and he told me he’d tell me his schedule some time soon.

But yeah I was pretty quiet during the better half of the ride and at one point he was like “Are you okay?” and I was like “Yeah, I am. Just tired.” I guess he was worried I had something on my mind which was really sweet.

But also, for the first few hours of the date before I went to his home, I was like… Not really talking to him and was busy on my phone because I was feeling so anxious about everything and I didn’t know what to do, and I was kinda also upset and mad, so that probably made him feel like I didn’t want him around me. 💀 I had to ask him if I could go to his home this time around since he was suggesting we go home separately afterwards LOL, since I had so much to talk to him about. I guess he didn’t invite me this time around, despite wanting them cuddles and saying he missed me, since I was acting so off kilter. I ended up apologising for it since I knew I was being pretty distant with him, and kinda used it as a segue to tell him what’s been on my mind.

But anyway YEAH after the past two days, I woke up in my own bed, alone, feeling pretty empty and the quietness isn’t something I’m used to right now 😭 I guess meeting basically his entire family in one go did a number on me too, because I’ve never met so many strangers in one go, and it’s mixed with the feeling of already missing his presence, plus the uncertainty of when we’ll see each other again ☹️

Don’t get me wrong though, his family was really nice and some of them even hugged me when they were leaving, but it’s just that I’m not used to meeting so many people at once. I can barely handle one stranger at a time, you think I can handle like 10 at the same time?? I was feeling so out of place and overstimulated 💀

But yeah, all of that happened, he knows it’s gonna take time before I fully trust him again, and I think we’re going to be good for now :)

I won’t relay in detail what happened (already did so with a few friends) but all in all, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. There are a few things they’re iffy about but at the end of the day, they’ve never met him and they’ve also never heard his side of the story but have heard my side so there’s always gonna be that bias there. I guess I’m the one who knows what to do best moving forward. As much as I can weigh the advice and opinions I’m getting, I’m the one who has to decide how to proceed, and what’s best for me. So I guess even if I relayed the whole talk on here, I’m gonna end up taking the various opinions and advice into account but ultimately make my own decision on what’s best.

AKA I might not end up listening to anyone LMAO.

I’m also iffy on some things if I had to be honest, but I’m personally mostly satisfied with the majority of his explanation since I wanna move past this.

One thing he did say is that he’s big on loyalty, so we’ll see if he’s lying about that or not — but when he told me that at first, I didn’t doubt him at all and my first instinct wasn’t like “Uh, you’re a liar.” It was more like… “I don’t know why I trust you on that, despite the shit you did, but I do trust you on that.”

I guess him reassuring me and clarifying the questions I had and everything helped quite a lot and made me think “Well, maybe he’s telling the truth on that.” Or maybe a part of me hopes that it’s true, but something about the way he said it made me feel like he was being sincere.

BUT ANYWAY. We’re gonna be back to normal programming because the past two weeks have drained me of any energy and I just wanna be okay again.

(I’m also gonna try and stop overthinking about shit like how he doesn’t call me “love” and “hun” anymore, and doesn’t say “love you” over text anymore, or that he doesn’t drunk text me anymore LMAO.

Literally was telling my friends when I got home yesternight lol, sent him a text where I was like “good night, love you” and he didn’t text it back and just simply said “good night, sweet dreams”, and they were like “don’t read into it too much” since I did tell them he does still tell me he loves me in person and everything (it was nice hearing him say that in person after so fucking long).

I’m guessing he’s been feeling more comfortable and secure in the relationship and doesn’t feel the need to say those things to like, tide me over lmao, but I’m ngl, it was nice when he would message me those stuff sjsjksks.

And again, he tells me he loves me in person so that’s a better measure than over text. I think I just need to stop looking into everything and being like “Oh, he doesn’t love me anymore” while ignoring the things that tell me that he DOES love me.

I guess it also sparked my overthinking because he stopped saying all o’ that over text after I confronted him about the dating app stuff but hopefully that overthinking will ebb away now that I’ve gotten the reassurance I need.)

Met his extended family, I feel so awkward and my social anxiety is back ten folds

[nellienels0n]

it’s giving little nick and baby nellie 🐶🥹

[kooktrash]

Heyyy! I have a Jungkook fic request but I'm new to your account so idk if you've wrote this trope before or not so I'm just gonna shoot my shot :") feel free to ignore if you don’t like it or have wrote it before.

Jk and y/n is in a relationship but Jk has a girl best friend who likes him so she keeps taking all of his time with y/n. Jk unknowingly gives that girl so much attention that y/n gets hurt and starts distancing herself. Then Jk somehow realises shit and wins y/n back. Lmao I'm so bad at explaining 😭 basically super Angsty but with happy ending :")

thanks for sending the request luvvv. also if my man ever leaves me for his girl best friend I’m lighting them both on fi— kidding. anyway. light angst.

Everyone seemed to be able to tell you were in a bad mood aside from Jungkook. Not surprising at all though since your boyfriend doesn’t pay attention to you when she’s around. Like now he’s too busy playing some drinking game with her while you sulk around on the couch scrolling through your phone.

They all say he loves you but you doubt it. And you’re kind of over second guessing if he does. Honestly, you’re not even the jealous type. He can be friends with as many girls as he wants but clearly he’s too blind to see when they have feelings for him. So he’ll pay attention to them without realizing that she’s smirking at you because she’s basically taken your boyfriend. You’re done being jealous, if he wants to only focus on her that’s fine.

You’re not going to beg. You’re not going to call them out. You’re not an angry jealous, you’re a hurt jealous because now all you think about is that he’s reciprocating her feelings and he’s over you. So you’re just not going to try anymore, especially not when you see her pull him into a hug where she wants to wrap her legs around him.

“Alright, I'm gonna head out,” Yoongi said to you as he made his rounds of goodbyes to his friends. He was dapping you up like a bro as he said goodbye but you stood up quickly, “Can you take me home?”

He gave you a strange look glancing over to where Mina dragged Jungkook into a game of King’s Cup, “What about Jungkook.”

“He’s busy,” you said with a shrug trying to ignore the look of sympathy from him. Clearly everyone could see that she liked him and that Jungkook just went along despite you being his girlfriend. It’s not like this is the first time it’s happened, clueless or not he’s ditching you for her time and time again. Yoongi gave in, nodding with his head to the door and it was probably the best thing to happen all night. You got up happily not bothering with any goodbyes and left the party.

Jungkook was tired out. Mina wanted to keep playing drinking games but he couldn’t anymore. He just wanted to sit and hold his girlfriend or dance. He looked around the party for you when his brows furrowed. He waited around a bit to see if you’d gone to the bathroom but after some time he had gotten a little anxious. He went to his closest friend, “Have you seen Y/n?”

“She left,” Taehyung said not even looking at him and instead faced Jimin. Jungkook felt his heart begin to race, “What do you mean Y/n left? When? With who?”

“Yoongi.”

Jungkook’s lips parted in disbelief, “With Yoongi? Why?”

“You’re her boyfriend, why don’t you tell us?” Jimin asked suddenly cutting in. Jungkook stared down at him in confusion, “What d—“

“Jungkook! I’ve been looking for you. They’re about to play spin the bottle, let’s go,” Mina shouted at him and he missed the way his two friends rolled their eyes. Jungkook shook his head, “I’m sort of busy right now. I’m gonna call Y/n.”

Jimin and Taehyung made a move to leave as Mina spoke up again, smirk on her face, “What happened? Doesn’t she let you have a little fun? I’m sure she’s not worried.”

Jungkook sighed, “Still, I’m gonna call her. I’ll be back.”

Jungkook dismissed himself going to find somewhere more quiet as he called you. If you wanted to leave why didn’t you just ask him? He assumed you had been having fun since you didn’t go with him at all tonight and now you’ve left? Makes no sense. He waited for the beeps to end and the line to connect but it didn’t. It ended with a voicemail and it left him even more confused, so he called again, and again he was left on voicemail.

With a huff in annoyances he dialed Yoongi’s number, who did happen to answer, “Hello?”

“Are you still with Y/n? She’s not answering my calls,” Jungkook asked feeling around his pockets for his keys. He’ll just go see you. It was quiet for a second but he could hear a faint whisper in the background before Yoongi said, “I just dropped her off.”

Jungkook didn’t believe that. He could’ve sworn he just heard you in the back, “Really? Do you know why she’s not answering my calls?”

“Nope, as her boyfriend shouldn’t you know that?” Yoongi asked and Jungkook stopped moving. “I mean, yeah but I was with Mina so I didn’t get a chance to see her and n—ohhhhhh.”

Yoongi nodded though Jungkook couldn’t see him, “Yeahhhh. I’ve gotta go, alright?”

Jungkook didn’t say anything as the phone clicked. He had his keys in his hands now when a hand went to his arm, “Are you leaving? Perfect, you can take me home.”

“Sorry I’m going to Y/n’s place,” Jungkook said with a sigh and she rolled her eyes. “You don’t sound too happy about that, plus I’m on the way. Or does she not want you friends with me?”

“What?” Jungkook asked now with confusion before he shook his head, “Y/n doesn’t care who I’m friends with. And sorry but you’re gonna have to ride with someone else, I’m gonna see her now.”

“Jun—“ he left.

Were you mad at him or something? It’s fine, he’ll just ask when he gets to your place, but he couldn’t. Not when you ignored him buzzing to be let up and when he texted and called all you said was that you were going to sleep. So he texted Goodnight saying he loved you and you never responded.

The next day he sent you a good morning text that you responded to. He asked if you wanted to go to brunch and then do some shopping but you said no. When he asked why you didn’t respond. Around dinner he sent another text.

jungkook<3: wanna get dinner and watch a movie? I’m starving

y/n: I already ate

jungkook: wanna watch a movie then?

y/n: I’m tired

y/n: I’m sure Mina would say yes :)

jungkook: I don’t wanna watch It with her. I wanna see it with you :(

And you didn’t respond.

He decided he’d just see you Monday, maybe you weren’t feeling good and not even your boyfriend could make you feel better. Right? Yeah, that’s probably it.

Except on Monday you didn’t respond to him when he asked if he was picking you up along with Mina. So he had to find you after your first class, “Y/n.”

It took you a second to even look at him and he can’t lie and say that didn’t hurt. What was wrong was he seriously the reason you’re upset? Did he do something? He wanted to find you before class but Mina made him late so he had to go straight to his own class with her and she followed him to find you.

You weren’t at all surprised to see Mina behind him when he called out to you and it made you wanna roll your eyes. It hurt your feelings and honestly if he was going to be so open with how he feels for her then he should just date her instead. But you weren’t going to give them the satisfaction of being jealous, “Hey.”

He gave you a hug leaning down to kiss you but you turned your head before he could meet your lips and instead he got your hair which had him spitting out a strand in surprise. Well, okay. He tried to smile, “So where does my baby want to go for lunch?”

“Yeah Y/n, where we going?” Mina chimed on and it was getting very hard for you to ignore her. Maybe you should just break up with him. It’d make things easier for everyone involved. He can date her like he wants to and you can stop feeling like you have to compete for your boyfriend’s attention when you’re clearly not winning. You checked the time on your phone, “I’ve got a study session to get to. You guys go ahead.”

“Alright, where do you wanna go? Or can I choose?” Mina jumped at the opportunity before you had even left. You rolled your eyes now that your back was turned and left before Jungkook could respond to her. You didn’t want to hear what he’d say.

He thought about you all day. Literally, all day. There was not a single moment he wasn’t wondering about his girlfriend. Why were you upset—with him?

The next day felt pretty similar but he did get a kiss out of you. It was tender and sweet yet you still felt distant. Like, though you enjoyed the kiss, you were happy to pull away. It made him panic, not full blown panic, but definitely let his mind run rampant. He has to get you talk to him. Text him more. Just something. He texts you good morning and you respond but when he tries to deepen the conversation suddenly you don’t respond for hours. Hours!?

Its been five days of this and he’s really starting to worry. Clearly he did something wrong because you’re only distant with him. He sees you smiling with the others, his own friends too. Yet you can’t muster up one of those passive smiles that don’t really hold meaning. He’s tried giving you space thinking maybe you’re not feeling well, you’re not usually in the best mood when something is off. But what did he do?

What did he do? What did he do? What did he do? Ding.

mina: can we get drinks later? :(

jungkook: I’m going to Y/n’s

mina: aren’t u guys fighting

jungkook: no?

mina: well I’m here for u

mina: anything u need

mina: at all times even if it’s late

mina: :)

Jungkook’s brows furrowed staring at the texts. What is she even talking about? Then suddenly, it dawned on him. How he had been so clueless, so blind? Who knows. Who fucking knows! Oh my god he seriously thought they were just friends. No, they are friends but apparently that wasn’t Mina’s full agenda. All those times she’s come out with the guys, joke around about something stupid with him, and give genuine advice over how to make you happy. [rue bennet—‘all those times cassie consoled her, comforted her…none of it was real.]

No wonder everyone has been awkward around him. No wonder he’s found you hanging out with his own friends more than him. No wonder lately it feels like Mina’s asked him and him alone to hang out. NO WONDER WHY YOU WON’T FUCKING TALK TO HIM.

He began thinking of a plan. An apology wouldn’t be enough, he knows that. He’s made you feel awful and it kills him to know he couldn’t even realize it. He wished he understood your silence when Mina was around, instead of assuming you were shy. The times Mina would be hanging off him as his girlfriend stands somewhere else and he was too dumb to see.

He showed up at your place the next day. It was late and he knew it was late but he had just gotten off work and after you avoiding him around campus, he didn’t see you till now. He called you that he was outside and with little time to make an excuse you let him up.

“I’m sorry,” was the first thing he said when the door opened, “I’ve been a shitty boyfriend and I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Jungkook, It’s late, I’m tired—“ “Please Y/n, please, I miss you. I miss you so much and I don’t like this distance between us.”

This time you couldn’t bite your tongue, “I thought Mina was filling it up pretty well for you. So just cut the bullshit.”

“Babe, it has never even been like that with Mina—“

“Well you could’ve fooled me,” you weren’t going to bottle it in. It’s been days and it took him this long? “You spend so much time with her and she pretty much acts the part.”

“But you’re my girlfriend, not her, not anyone else. I promise I’m done being friends with her. I won’t even talk to any and other gi—“

“What’s that gonna do?” You asked, “Do you think I want my boyfriend to do that? Because that’s not what I want. I don’t care who you’re friends with. I care about how you act and how you’ve pretty much left me for her time and time again.”

“Please, it’s not that at all. I thought she just wanted to be friends. I really did and if you just told me you felt this way I would’ve never done anything to upset you.”

“I don’t need to tell you!” You groaned, “I don’t need to beg you to pay attention to me. I’m not asking for a lot and honestly if you couldn’t figure that out on your own then maybe this doesn’t work anymore.”

“What?” He swears his heart dropped to his feet, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I’m tired and I’m not in the mood to talk about this.”

That wasn’t an answer, but it was also answer enough that you slammed your bedroom door in his face where he heard the click and you shut yourself in. He took a few jagged breaths, he couldn’t even bring himself to knock. You were definitely not in the mood and whatever else he says will just further ruin everything. So he sat on your couch and waited in thought.

By morning you were more exhausted than last night. You basically dragged your body out of bed in need of coffee before started anything. It was early, way too early and as you left your room, you stopped. Jungkook was in a sitting position on your couch, phone in his limp hands, head fallen forward and in deep sleep. He slept on your couch? Sitting up? You’ll admit it’s weird to see your boyfriend sleep anywhere but your bed. You went to wake him, not able to stop yourself from brushing his hair up.

He woke up with a gentle sigh at your touch, head turning up to look at you, “You’re right.”

“I didn’t prioritize you when I should have and I’m so sorry,” it was too early for this but you couldn’t bring it in you to stop him. “If you just give me one more chance, I won’t ever make you doubt our relationship. Please just don’t say this doesn’t work anymore because I really don’t want to break up. I love you.”

You took a deep inhale and exhale in concentration. You weren’t sure what to say, honestly, so instead you stood between his legs and left him hug you. “I know.”

“No, you don’t know how much I love you Y/n. I never stop thinking about you no matter who I’m with,” he confessed to the most honest thing he can, “And it kills me that I haven’t shown you just how much and treated you like you deserve to be treated.”

“Jungkook, it’s early, we’ve got class, we’ll talk later,” you told him as he stood now. He wanted to object and ask to talk now but he shouldn’t. He needs to approach then when you want to do it. He'll be patient. He just has to show you through actions and not just words.

It was later in the day when he saw you again. During lunch he joined you in the lunch room and when Mina came up he was quick, “l’m having lunch with Y/n today.”

“That’s fine,” Mina said with a smile that said she wasn’t getting the hint, “I don’t mind.”

“I mind,” Jungkook cut in, “And I’m telling you I’m eating with my girlfriend. Alone.”

You both had the same expression of confusion and surprise. You’ve never heard him talk in that tone ever, or at least not around you. Jungkook motioned to an empty table and you started walking over, just leaving Mina behind. You felt awkward. From what he said this morning you know he wouldn’t leave you for Mina but you were still mad and yet you felt bad for doubting him. It was just so complicated but Jungkook didn’t press you for more. Aside from that short talk with Mina, he was relevantly quiet. He just sat next to you and did little things. For instance, he just split the perilla leaf with you. You’d understand the gesture and how much it meant to him. How serious he took it despite how silly you think it is.

He started hanging out with other friends instead of Mina. He made more time for you because he genuinely loves spending time with you. You’ve opened up to him more too, not just bottling things up and expressing yourself. And he listened. He adores you, he really does and he should’ve showed it to you sooner. He’s not dumb enough to make the same mistake twice. He’s going to appreciate you for everything you are and never instill that sort of mistrust in your relationship again.

[theunaestheticstudyblr]

UNIVERSITY WITH MENTAL ILLNESS

Mental health and illness is already hard enough, but adding school pressure on top is hard. High school was easier for me since there is a lot more structure and a lot less choice, which is why I'm targeting this towards college and university students.

Firstly is attending class. Getting to class is a major hurdle, especially with a commute like me (1 hour+) broke people problems lmao. Driving that long to go to a class just to drive back home is already exhausting and unpleasant, especially knowing professors will post slides or something after class anyways. But you have to drag yourself there. One thing I do to help is dress up. I'll do my makeup and put on nicer clothes. Why does this work for me? I hate wasting stuff, especially money and to me, putting on makeup is spending money essentially (same logic as using rare items in a video game idk). I can't just sit around the house and waste the money I just put on my face so I gotta go to class. Small things like this to trick your brain works so well. Before this, there was a restaurant I absolutely loved next to campus so if I went to every class for two weeks I would reward myself by going there. Another thing that helps is making plans with people ahead of time. They'll hold you accountable on days that you can't.

Take rest days. Schedule one whole day a week where you don't do school or go to work. It's a day completely off for anything. I use this day to do chores in the morning and then just lay around and do absolutely nothing all afternoon and night. This helps recharge and reduce stimulation and socialization. It gives your brain that little rest it cries for every day. I used to panic so much about this one day because I could be working and making money or studying or doing anything to be productive until I had a week where I couldn't do anything because I broke down completely, mentally and physically. Now I see it as a preservation day. I use this day to recover from everything.

Make your notes pretty. I hate going back and looking at my messy class notes. Everything is scattered and messy and I get frustrated. What I do instead is make a virtual, concise copy that is pretty to me. I'll add little sketches, color, pictures, etc. This helps draw my attention and allows me to study while doing it! Making the second copy forces you to go through the material after a class is over and review the material to decide what is truly important and then organize it all and then rewrite it all. This has been a huge help.

Use class breaks to snack or grab coffee. One thing I have found in many people with high anxiety is that food and drinks really help calm you down. I've found some research suggesting it's because food is a signal that things are safe and therefore makes you more relaxed, though I don't know much about anthropology and psychology fields. I find this really helps to calm me down after I had a very stressful test so that I can be more present for the next class. Gum helps a lot on high anxiety/panic days as well.

Download the notes or slides, especially if posted ahead of time. This way you have access even if you don't have wifi. You can even pull them up in lectures so you don't have to focus on the board the whole time. For my people with autism, this has helped me so much. There are times where you can't focus on the professor and the slides and the sounds and writing, so doing this cuts out having to watch the teacher and the board. Bonus points if you can record during lecture as well so you can revisit parts that you zoned out in or couldn't focus on.

Keep a journal or diary and list your activities, food, weather, etc in it as well as your mood. This can help you find correlations to hack shit. My favorite way of doing this is through the Daylio app (I wrote a post about it here). Like I notice that days when it's rainy, I study and read more and days where I walk more and eat breakfast, I focus better and am happier overall. This information helps so much. If I know it's going to rain tomorrow, I won't try to force myself to study a bunch today and instead save that energy for later. Instead, I'll take care of myself and go for a walk or something. Knowing how you work and why really makes a HUGE difference.

This might just be my autism brain, but finding cool things related to the topic at hand has helped me keep interest in at least a little of the subject, helping me study more. Like I don't like chimaeras (a fish group) BUT for some reason I love fish teeth and these fishes have a very unique tooth set. This at least let's me know something instead of just ignoring and forgetting everything. 20% is better than nothing.

Find a reason to study what you do, even if it's just that you need this class to graduate. Just taking classes for no reason seems like something neurotypical people are able to do. I can't do it. I need a reason and if I can't find one, I just give up. I used to always say it was useless and pointless and didn't understand why it was required. But I realized the reason to take it is because I want a piece of paper that says I traded lots of money and sanity for it. And that reason has to be good enough.

Make study games. Games are more fun than lifeless paper. Matching games, crosswords, coloring pages, whatever you like!

Feel free to add your tips to this post as well!! I always have room for improvement and experimentation, especially for really hard days. I still find myself skipping even online classes some days. No one had all the answers or has everything figured out. This is just an incomplete list of things that have helped me out a bit and made college life a bit easier.