#this is totally *not* a self insert...no...i definitely did not have an experience similar to the Reader and now have an aversion to oral

[ghostskiss]

Late Night

Pairing: Simon "Ghost" Riley x F!Reader WC: 3.2k Summary: A drunk late-night conversation takes a bit of a turn Warnings: 18+, Alcohol consumption, Oral (afab receiving), Fingering, Drunk/Buzzed Reader and Ghost, Service!Ghost, kind of a hint to a hand kink in this ?

Taking a swig from your flask, your eyes lock onto Ghost’s from across you. The two of you’d been lazily drinking together, late after a mission. It went well. It was supposed to be a celebration, not…whatever this was. Your cheeks are hot and heated from the alcohol and the question your lieutenant just asked. You’re trying to avoid answering him, but his heavy gaze says he’s not letting it go. You feel dizzy and turned on, pressing your thighs together to relieve the ache. The alcohol isn’t helping. Neither is his hard gaze, or the fact that his mask is pulled up. The edge of Ghost’s lips tip to a slow smirk. Like he knows. He knows.

Clearing your throat, you sit up a little further in the couch, trying not to squirm, but fail anyways. You pass the flask to him, his fingers brushing softly against yours. You pull back like it burned to feel him, your gaze sniping down to the hand gripping the bottle. You avert your eyes, feeling like you’ve been caught. His hands are bare, veiny, and large. They’re strong. You’ve felt them before, innocently of course. He’s placed one of those very hands on a shoulder, praising you after a job well done. You think about his hands on you. On your throat, between your –

“You’re really not going to answer me?”

You shiver. His voice has a husk to it, a gravel that makes you want to jump him. What the hell was in that booze? It feels hot in here, making you dab the back of your hand onto your forehead. Fuck, you’re nervous. Of course you’d be nervous, the topic you two had somehow landed on isn’t one that professional. Totally not professional. Not even a topic most friends get into. Wetting your lips, you watch your hands play with a pillow you’d put over your lap. You’re fidgety. Flighty.

“I… I don’t know. It’s embarrassing.” You deflect, ignoring the way your voice wobbles a bit at the end. You chance a look up Ghost, peeking at him through your lashes. His fingers are mindlessly trailing on the flask in his grip. Distracted at them, you stare, watching them. How’d they feel on your skin? Would he tease his own fingers on you like that?

“Mm. What’dya got to be embarrassed about? It’s not like it was your fault.” He shrugs, his voice jolting you out of your thoughts. You blush again, looking away from him.

“I don’t know.” You repeat yourself, brows furrowing, going back to the question he’d asked. Do you like being eaten out? You shudder, thinking back on the dark expression he gave you when you meekly shook your head. When you told him the last time you participated in it, the guy was so bad it turned you off of it forever. That you didn’t even want to bother with the act anymore, in case your partner was that bad again. Then he’d continued, barely blinking, keeping you captivated in his fiery gaze, What’s his name? When did this happen? Tell me more.

That’s when you stopped, that’s when you started thinking about him. Not the guy that’d ruined oral sex. No. Him. Well, that’s a bit of a lie. Sometimes your mind wandered. When he’d walk in front of you, letting you trail your eyes on the planes of his shoulders, his back, the way he walked. Or how his hands looked when he grabbed his gun, or worse, his knives. His jaw under his mask, or like right now, his lips showing you a teasing smile, or the muscle jumping in the jaw when you’d say something. Or when his dark eyes would catch yours.

You’re staring at him, you realize. And he’s staring right back, letting you drink your fill of him. You watch him bite back a smile when you come back from your Ghost dreamland. Sucking in a breath, you glance over your shoulder, to where the clock is hanging on the wall. It’s late. You’re sure everyone is asleep, just like you should be.

“Thinking of leaving to avoid me?”

Jumping, you turn back around, noticing he moved closer while your attention was elsewhere. Fuck. You shouldn’t have drunk that much. You’re not too drunk, but you’re definitely not sober. You watch with wide eyes as Ghost settles himself on the couch next to you. He gets comfortable, like it isn’t making your heart leap out of your chest, his arm coming up behind you, resting on the back of the couch. Blinking slowly, like you’re trying to sober yourself, you turn a bit toward him.

“It’s late.” You say, ignoring his question again, “And we’ve been drinking. I – I don’t think we should be talking about this.”

He tilts his head as he watches you, being quiet for a moment. The silence makes you realize how slick you feel. How heated your skin is. How you’re this close to tugging him on top of you and begging him to fuck you. You try not to shiver under his stare.

“No? You’re the one who started this conversation. What was that question you asked me earlier?” The corner of his mouth lifts into a smirk, the sight going to be burned into your brain for the rest of your life, you’re sure. “What was it?” His voice drops and he leans forward to you a bit, “‘What’s your favorite position?’”

You choke a bit, astonished that you’d even asked him that. You wave him away, brushing it off like you aren’t seconds from rushing to your room and taking care of this ache you have. He’s right, you’d started it. But it was because…well, you’re not sure. You think you wanted to make him feel as unsettled as he makes you. He’s so stoic and unfeeling, you wanted to catch him. You wanted to trip him up. Instead, he’s got you squirming. He’s got you flustered, almost panting.

“That was earlier,” you say, a bit breathless with proximity of his presence. “I’m tired now.”           

This, Ghost lets out a chuckle at. “Right. Well, I’m wide awake.” The hand on the back of the couch reaches up to brush lazily at your shoulder. His fingers pinch a lock of your hair and tug gently before he pushes your hair from your neck. You’re still. So still and hardly breathing. Like you’re worried any movement will make him stop.

“I think I could change your…aversion.” Ghost says so quietly, so darkly, that you barely hear him.

Your breath catches in your throat, unable to take your eyes off of his. Did you hear him right?

“My aversion?”

“Mm yeah. You know.” He shrugs like you’re not talking about…like he’s seriously not thinking about— “I’d make you come on my mouth. On my tongue. I bet you’d make a real mess too. I can make it good for you.”

Your lips part in surprise, eyes widening, shock spreading on your features. He almost laughs, biting his lower lip to stop himself from smiling at you. Your hands are fisting the pillow on your lap, a flush is traveling up your chest to your cheeks, pupils blown, legs pressing tightly together. You look good. He knows without a doubt he could make it good for you. Maybe even get you addicted to the feel of his mouth. He knows without a doubt he’d be addicted to the feel of you.

“R-right now?” You sputter, hands tightening on the pillow.

His fingers brush against your neck, making you shudder, eye lids drooping a bit with pleasure. Sensitive already.

“Unless you’re tired like you said.”

Shaking your head quickly, you start to say no, no you were lying of course, but Ghost is already standing up from the couch. He gently grabs the pillow from your death grip, settling it behind your back. His gaze is heated as he stares down at you. “Lift up your hips.”

You lift your hips, his hands scooping under you to pull your pants off. You squeak in surprise a bit, earning an amused noise from the man above you. He leaves your panties on, enjoying the way you immediately close your legs to hide the sight from him. He doesn’t mention it until he’s on his knees, tugging your body to the edge of couch. He grips your thighs, making him groan with the feel of you finally in his hands. His hands press up the back of your thighs, making them press into your chest. Your breath hitches, as you realize how exposed to him you are, underwear molding to your wet cunt.

“Hands here.” He grabs your hands and places them on the back of your knees, keeping your legs in the position he put them in. “Keep them there.” He looks up at you, confirming you heard him. You nod, biting your lip to keep yourself from protesting. You hold your legs to your chest the way he wants. Your hips jolt up at the feel of his thumb running up your clothed slit.

“Easy. Ya sensitive, love?” Ghost drawls out as his thumb swipes down, notching against your soaked entrance. A whine catches in the back of your throat as you nod up at him.

He likes you like this. You’re always put together, not letting anything ever get to you. He’s not sure if the alcohol has gotten to you like it’s gotten to him, but he likes it. Your cheeks have a flush, you’re almost shivering under his stare, chest raising in a shaky breath, lips parting in a slight pant. Fuck. You look so good. He’s lucky. He’s so lucky that you’re letting him do this, and he almost wants to thank you. His jaw ticks as he sets it, his heart rate picking up. Not only has he got you like this; he’s got you wet. When did that happen? When the two of you were talking about how he liked to fuck? He’s lucky you couldn’t tell how badly he wanted to take his hard aching dick out and make you suck on it on front of him when you asked him that question. Lucky you couldn’t tell how eager he was to talk about the topic –the positions— he’s wanted you in. Fantasized about you being in. He wets his lips, watching your reactions as his thumb presses a bit harder, running up to press against your clothed clit.

“Y’gotta tell me if I’m too rough, or if you want me to stop.” Ghost’s words come out a bit rushed, like he’s trying to warn you. His chin dips to catch your distracted daze, his thumb stopping the teasing movement that’s got you in a different place. You blink, looking up at him and nod again. He shakes his head with a tsk, “Tell me.”

“’Kay.” You breathe out, hips tilting up, trying to get him to move his thumb again.

A groan slips from him. You’re grinding on him. You’re that desperate. He curses the dumbass that didn’t take care of you, but he’s also thanking him. Thanking him for this moment, for ruining something that he’s going to make so good for you. He dips his mouth to your thighs, running kisses down them. His thumb still teasing your soaked cunt, running up and down in a leisured pace. You’re already trembling, he doubts he has to keep you on edge for long, but he wants this to last. He doesn’t know how many hours are left until sunrise, until this little piece of heaven you’re giving him will be over with.

Your fingers clench around the hold you have on the back of your knees. The light scruff of Ghost’s face pairs well with his hot mouth. A whimper slips from you, your head tipping back a bit at the feel of it. He’s driving you insane, his thumb pressing against you, teasing your clit just enough to make you whine. His mouth trails a flaming path to your soaked pussy. Your head snaps down to watch. His eyes are already on yours as his mouth falls open, his tongue coming out to lick flatly up against your sex. He makes a punched-out noise as he tastes you, your hands leaving the hold of your legs, grabbing onto sides of his masked head. Your breath has hitched into high whine. His hands come up to keep your legs open the way he wants them, pinning you down to the couch. Suddenly, he’s sucking the fabric of your panties, sucking the wetness that’s saturated the fabric.

You taste good. Ghost’s jaw aches like he’s sucking on something sweet, drinking down the slick that your underwear has collected for him. He struggles to keep his eyes open, half-lidded, as he watches you. Yeah. You looked as fucked out as he feels, his cock straining painfully against the fabric of his jeans. He has half the mind to reach down and fuck his hand as he gives you pleasure. The thought makes him groan against your sex, and fuck, you liked that. He needs to taste you correctly. He reluctantly pulls back from you, fingers rushing to your hips to rid you of the barrier from his mouth. He lets the soaked piece of clothing fall to the floor as he comes back to sit on his heels, taking in the sight of you. You blush at his attention, legs about to try and close again. He shakes his head with a soft sound.

“Show me. Show me how wet you are for me.” His hand comes to the front of his pants, squeezing his cock that’s bulging. He groans at the contact, watching with a dark look on his face as you spread your pussy between your fingers. Fuck.

“Fuck, baby,” he lets out a breathless laugh like he can’t believe it, “you’re soaked.”

He’s right. Now that there’s no fabric to catch your wetness, it’s leaking down your entrance to the couch beneath you. He sucks a breath in through his clenched teeth. This entire night is going to haunt him for the rest of his life. The taste of you is going to be something he won’t be able to get enough of.

He moves forward, dropping down to be level to your sopping aching cunt. He doesn’t wait. He doesn’t tease. He collects saliva to the front of his mouth and spits slowly onto your clit. The motion makes you moan lowly as you try to stay still for him. You feel like your body is on fire, the anticipation as you feel cool wetness of his spit gather with your own wetness, the way his hands tense against the flesh of your thighs as he keeps you right where he wants you – everything is consuming you in ways you didn’t think was possible. It’s never felt like this. Never felt this good. You’re trembling when Ghost closes the distance, his tongue licking a long stripe from your clenching core to your clit. You let out a pained noise, not that it hurt, but because it felt so good. You’re not sure you’re all the way here in this moment, his tongue taking you to a place you’ve never been before.

Ghost is in his own mind similar to the way you are. The pleasure is mind numbing, just having you under him. Having your soaked pussy spread open for him, his tongue licking, teasing, moving up and down, side to side, anything that’ll get you to squirm and choke on air. He’s attentive, he’s making sure anything he’s doing to you is giving him a noise that makes his cock twitch with need. The way he’s eating you is sloppy, he’s getting his face wet with you, licking and sucking, humming even. His tongue dips into your hole, fucking into you before coming back out to lap up at your clit. He’s not gentle. Doesn’t want to be. He wants to see your tits bounce with the way he’s devouring you. Even under your shirt. His tongue rasps over your swollen clit and you gasp, back bowing for him. He huffs a breathless laugh against your sex and delivers a hum through you, letting it vibrate against your aching flesh.

“Si—” You choke out.

The broken moan on his name makes him feel insane. He wants to hear it again. Needs to hear it again. He’s drooling for it, his lids barely open as he watches you cry out for him again. He feels your cunt clench and he groans, latching his mouth around your clit to suck. Sucks hard with his tongue coming out to flick the needy little bud. You’re bucking now, like you’re not sure if you’re trying to get away from the pressure, heart rate skyrocketing. You hear yourself chant and moan pleasepleasepleaseplease. But you’re not entirely in your body, you’re hovering above awareness, mind in a haze.

That’s how you cum. And you cum hard. You’re vaguely aware of Ghost moaning against your sex as you gush on his tongue as he laps it up. You’re not aware of the way you shriek, the way your nails dig into Ghost’s neck, scratching and holding him there as your hips falter.

Ghost’s been watching you this whole time. He’s not missing it for anything. He doesn’t care how badly he wants to pull his throbbing cock out and cum with you. He cares about how your moans sound, what you look like when you cum. How you taste. The way you blink down at him, eyes watery, mind not completely there. The sharp breaths you’re taking. Your fucking nails burning and dragging into his skin. Yeah. Mark him up. He eases his sucking on your clit, making sure he doesn’t overstimulate you and works on cleaning you up. He’s drinking down your sweetness, swearing that there’s no way you could pull him away from this pussy. From worshipping you. He wants to make you cum again. He needs it.

“Simon,” you breath out. The way you say his name makes him tremble with need. It’s soft, it’s trusting. It’s just for him. His eyes drift closed like he’s in heaven. “Si,” you start again, trying to get his attention. Your hands wander from their grip on his neck to his jaw. Finally, he looks back up at you, but keeps languorously licking your fluttering entrance. You have his attention but that doesn’t mean he’ll stop.

“Can you make me come again?” You ask, simpering little thing.

Ghost groans his approval of your question against you, fingers coming up to get them wet with you. He pulls a bit back, still hovering close over your pussy so you can feel the air of his words against your clit as his fingers dip into you.

“Thought you’d never ask.” He smiles darkly as you cry out when his thick fingers get knuckle deep. “Take your shirt off this time.”

[onemustalwaysbecarefulofbooks]

Why I Dislike the Entire Baby Related Plot line in ACOSF and Find It Utterly Ridiculous

This is probably old news to most people but I realized recently that I never truly ranted about this and I’d like to take the opportunity to. I love a lot of things about Sarah J Maas’s work, but this is not one of them. Hardcore Feysand and SJM stans should probably stay away, I highly doubt you’ll like what I have to say.

Point #1: Feyre’s totally abrupt mind change/desire to be pregnant as an immortal fae at 22 after knowing her 500 year old husband for a year and SJM’s attempt to explain/justify it is a blatant example Author Self-Insert

I feel like I should start off by saying that, in almost every single case, I am a total and complete sucker for anything baby related in literature. This is definitely not everyone’s cup of tea, but I am the kind of person who loves to see the stereotypical happy ending between characters, featuring marriage and babies. Some people like to keep things open ended, some people just don’t feel that every relationship needs to end in such a way, some people find it cliche. . .but I am definitely not one of those people! Despite it being admittedly corny/cliche, I normally eat that shit up. I have always been a very maternal person and one of my favorite tropes is when a beloved couple has a baby in a story. I am usually totally open to seeing it take place.

However, in ACOMAF, when Feyre expressed to Rhysand that she wanted to wait a while before having any children, I found myself (for once) in total and complete agreement with her. It made total sense to me based on Feyre’s character and her experiences up to that point. Feyre has spent most of her life being responsible for, and caring for others. She expresses in ACOTAR that she never really spent time doing anything for herself out of enjoyment. She also has just gone through an extremely traumatic experience that she is still very much in the process of healing from. She had been dealing with major PTSD throughout the entire story that manifested itself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Not only that, but my goodness!!! Feyre is 19 years old!!!!! 19 is a young age to have a child at in a human lifetime. In the lifespan of an immortal fae, which she now is, she is a god damn infant. She literally has the rest of eternity to procreate. Despite my love for characters having babies, I totally respected and understood her decision and thought it made perfect sense. 

All of this was stated in ACOMAF and was made abundantly clear. And then. . .SJM gets pregnant and now all the sudden, Feyre wants to get pregnant!!!!

Look, I get it. I really do. SJM, as a first time mom, was caught up in the wonder of pregnancy and wanted Feysand, her favorite couple, to experience it also. Like sure, fine. Reasonably understandable. And Feyre is no less of a “feminist icon” for chosing to be a mother. I just find it funny that she had just had Feyre lay out extremely valid and logical reasons as to why she did NOT want to get pregnant for a while and then dramatically changes her tune in such a short time frame. Just a few months later, Feyre WANTS a baby! Like, come on. At least admit you changed Feyre’s mind because of your own pregnancy!! It really doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see the similarities in the timeline. ACOFAS, where Feyre announces her wish to have a child, came out in May 2018 and Sarah’s baby was born a month later, in June. Like, this CLEARLY influenced her dramatic change of heart. And like!!!! Just say that!!! Just admit it!! It’s pretty understandable!!! 

If this was what Sarah wanted based on what was happening in her own life, based on what she had already written, it would have made way more sense to me for Feysand to get pregnant on accident. It’s been stated many times that Fae children are rare and difficult to conceive. Fae women only have two periods a year, and many couples try for years to have children without any success. Not really sure why SJM couldn’t make Feysand get caught up in a moment and bang without any contraception (as they did all throughout Ch 55 of ACOMAF), not REALLY worrying about it because pregnancies are so rare, and then be surprised by an unexpected pregnancy. This would make the Illyrian wings plot line make more sense as well (which I’ll get to a minute--essentially, if Feysand were TRYING to conceive a child, why would they knowingly have unprotected sex while Feyre was in Illyrian form????) I think a surprise pregnancy they weren’t expecting would make a lot more sense given the context of everything that had already been set up. 

But instead of doing this, SJM decides to cook up a reason for Feyre to give us as to why she has suddenly and dramatically changed her stance on something so major in such a short amount of time. 

The weaver only stared toward the tapestry. “I thought we’d have a thousand more years together.” She began to coax the loom back into movement. “In the three hundred years we were wed, we never had the chance to have children. . .I don’t even have a piece of him in that way. He’s gone and I am not. Void was born of that feeling.”

I didn’t know what to say as her words settled in. As she continued working.

It could have been me.

It could have been Rhys.

These months, the what-ifs had haunted me. All of the what-ifs that we’d so narrowly escaped. And this holiday tomorrow, this chance to celebrate being together, living. . .

The impossible depth of blackness before me, the unlikely defiance of Hope shining through it, whispered the truth before I knew it. Before I knew what I wanted to give Rhys.

The weaver’s husband had not come home. But mine had.

I have two responses to all of this:

This does not come across as a healthy rational reason for wanting a child. It’s honestly kind of concerning. Feyre just finished telling us in ACOMAF that she wanted time to live her life and be her own person for a while before having children. Having her completely change her mind after a conversation with someone who had lost their husband in the war before having children honestly seems like a product of unresolved PTSD. You should not decide to have a child out of fear of your spouse dying and you being left with no part of them. Like if you make the permanent and life altering decision to bring a child into the world over a conversation like this, maybe you’re still dealing with some trauma regarding his “death”?? The whole thing honestly comes across as pretty codependent to me. “Damn, now that I think about it, we’ve had some really close calls. We could have died at any time. We shouldn’t waste any more time! I don’t want to be left without a piece of him!” 

Which brings me to #2. . .

2. LOL Feyre honey, this will never be a problem for you, remember???? You shouldn’t waste a second of your time even worrying about those feelings. If Rhys dies (AGAIN, he’s only alive now thanks to Tamlin, but we’ll just ignore that), you’ll be seconds behind him!! 

Point #2: Rhys and Feyre have no business bringing children into this world after making their magically sworn oath that if one dies, the other will as well.

I can not even begin to express how irresponsible and thoughtless I find Rhys and Feyre to be for making a magically binding pact that if one of them dies, the other will as well. My mouth honestly hung open as I read that part of the end of ACOWAR. It was presented in that moment as something romantic and to me, it was horrifying. I would never ever EVER want my significant other to cease living if something happened to me. I can not imagine making a willing agreement to set this in motion. Everything else in this series regarding codependency was CHILD’S PLAY compared to this! 

What doubled my rage and fury over this situation was the fact that Feysand made it and then went, “Hey, you know what would be a great idea?! Let’s have a baby!” Like. . .you fucking fools. No matter what angle you look at this situation at, it’s horrific. Let’s say the baby wasn’t in the picture. They are still the leaders of the largest Court in Prythian. Their lives do not belong to only themselves. They are responsible for thousands of people. Feyre doesn’t REALLY hold any magical political power, but Rhys has just doubled his chance of dying, therefore leaving the Night Court open and vulnerable to whoever the magic of the High Lord’s power would then choose. Now let’s say that the two of them are not in positions of power, but are just two random citizens of Prythian. The repercussions of their decision would not be on as grand of a scale, but they would still be completely guilty of making an extremely irresponsible and selfish decision regarding the care and safety of the children that they CHOOSE to have. The fact that they made this bond and then CHOSE to have a child is disgusting to me. So. . .you two are okay with doubling your child’s chances of becoming an orphan? If their mother dies, they automatically have no father? If their father dies, they automatically have no mother? The selfishness in this act is unbelievable to me. When they finally have their “Oh shit” moment in ACOSF when Feyre’s life is in danger from the delivery, Rhys says, “We never thought it would turn out this way”. Like really????? You didn’t???? You live in a violent warring society, have tons of political enemies, and are the mOsT PoWeRfUl beings in all of Prythian. You put a god damn shield around your wife so no one could even SMELL her during her pregnancy because you claim you have so many enemies. AND your species is known to have risky complicated births!!! And, like always, Feyre and Rhys aren’t really made to have to acknowledge any real accountability over their choices. Amren calls them out for like a minute and then we move on, with our only concern being, “How can we save them?????” while not REALLY stopping to address or examine the fact that they did this TO THEMSELVES. 

Wow, I really went off on a tangent!!! I have been wanting to rant about that pact for a while. My whole point was, Feyre’s reasoning for deciding she DID want to have a baby after all fell totally flat for me. You’ll never have to worry about living without Rhys. You’ll die when he does. I honestly think an accidental pregnancy would have made way more sense, especially regarding my NEXT point! 

Point #3: Nyx having wings was ALWAYS a possibility and this is something Rhys and Feyre should have planned and prepared accordingly for. SJM’s attempt to remove all accountability from them in the dangerous situation they found themselves in is absurd (yet not unexpected). 

I remember, plain as day, reading ACOSF for the first time and finding out that everyone in the IC was so distraught over Feyre’s pregnancy. We pretty much immediately find out that their reason for their distress is that the baby apparently has wings. I’m sitting here like Yeah????? Like. . .of course it does????? Didn’t we all know that would happen??? 

Raise your hand if you always assumed and expected that Feysand’s baby would have wings.

Like. . .is there really anyone out there who didn’t? I’m pretty sure every single fanfic and/or fanart I saw of their future child included wings. Rhys says that one of his favorite childhood memories was jumping out his bedroom window with his mother and flying around Velaris. His wings are largely featured in many parts of the story. We know his sister canonically had wings as well (the ones that were pinned to the wall like some kind of trophy by Tamlin’s father, along with Rhys’s mother’s wings). He’s a “Bat Boy”. He doesn’t have shape shifting abilities like Feyre, his wings are a PART of him and clearly a part of his sister as well. No one granted him the ability to form them, he was born with it. Yes, he can make them appear and disappear at will, but they are there due to his family’s DNA, through his Illyrian mother. I ALWAYS assumed their baby would have wings!

But according to what Rhys tells us in ACOSF, it’s actually because of Feyre that the baby has wings. 

“Feyre was in an Illyrian form when he was conceived.”

“That can make a difference? I thought she only made the wings--nothing else.”

“She shape-shifts. She transforms her entire self into the form she takes. When she grants herself wings, she essentially alters her body at its most intrinsic level. So she was fully Illyrian that night.”

I honestly just kind of have to laugh at this. What source of information is telling them that this is the reason the baby has wings???? Is this speculation or is this medical fact?? Rhysand has wings as part of his genetic makeup from his Illyrian mother. The baby is just as likely to have inherited these wings from him. How do they KNOW that these wings are there because of Feyre’s form when the baby was conceived?? How do they KNOW she’s transforming her “entire self”?? Is there some kind of genetic testing in Velaris now?? How do they know the difference between what she looks like and what she IS???  You’re telling me this healer Madja just totally dismissed the possibility entirely? “Well, it couldn’t possibly be that the baby developed wings due to his Illyrian father and grandmother. It’s definitely because his fae mother altered her complete genetic makeup by giving herself a pair of Illyrian wings during sex”. 

Okay, so according to this logic. . .if Feyre transformed herself into Amren, had sex with Rhys and conceived a baby, then transformed back into herself, she would essentially become a surrogate mother for the child she was carrying. The baby would be Rhys and Amren’s biological child, and would carry no DNA from Feyre. Is that really what SJM is claiming? 

I’m sorry, I’m not buying this one bit. Feyre’s ability was SHAPE-SHIFTING. Altering her physical appearance. Not literally BECOMING them and taking on their freaking DNA!!! Spoilers from Empire of Storms: Remember how there was an entire plot of how Lysandra, a shape-shifter, agreed to transform herself into and live her life as Aelin? Who would need to provide heirs for Terrasen? And how it was deemed that she would need Aedion, Aelin’s cousin who greatly resembled her, to father these children, so it would be believable that they were Aelin’s children? It was established that Lysandra was Aelin in appearance only, her physically looking like her wouldn't actually mean anything as far as DNA goes. They would need Aedion, who actually DOES share some DNA and family resemblance to Aelin, to achieve this. This was a huge deal in ToG and a major part of Aedion and Lysandra’s story/relationship. I know you could make the argument that they are technically two different series, therefore the rules of the magic system could be different, and I would acknowledge that. But it still seems weird to me to make “shape-shifting” mean something so completely different in two series that have a ton of commonalities in their magic systems. 

Another reason it seems so implausible to me is that in ACOWAR, Azriel had to specifically TEACH Feyre how to form her Illyrian wings:

“The frame needs to be a bit thicker,” Azriel offered as a weight began to drag down my back. “Strengthen the muscles leading to it.”

I obeyed, my magic listening in turn. He provided more feedback, where to add and where to ease up, where to smooth and where to toughen. In this scene, Feyre is clearly not “becoming” an Illyrian. She is molding and shaping wings onto the back of her body. If Azriel needs to help her make physical adjustments to their appearance, I have a really hard time swallowing that she’s supposed to be “transforming her entire self” and “altering her body at its most intrinsic level”. No, I really just think this is SJM’s half-baked way of making something happen simply because she needs it to happen for the story she wants to tell. It just seems very very weird to me that Feyre would be the reason Feysand’s baby has wings, with nothing to do with Rhys involved at all. It goes against pretty much everything I assumed about them and their relationship this entire time and it just doesn’t seem believable to me. 

I think that entire reasoning and weird and really stretching things, but whatever. Let’s just go with it. SJM says it is so, so it is. My point in pointing all of this out is to call back to what I said earlier: If SJM wanted to really go with this angle, that Feyre and Rhys getting it on while she was in Illyrian form was the reason the baby had wings, I think it would have made much greater sense in the context of this story to have Feyre just get pregnant by accident. Feyre had already established that she didn’t want to have children for a while. Create a scenario where the two of them get caught up in a sexy moment and have some kinky Illyrian sex without using or taking any form of birth control (as they do in Ch 55 of ACOMAF, minus the Illyrian part). Then oops!!! Feyre’s pregnant. It’s not a total devastation to either of them, because they knew they wanted to have children eventually, and fae children are rare and considered a blessing, so they just figure it was fate. THEN they can be totally upset and shocked when they realize the consequence of what happened between them. Obviously, they would have never had full on Illyrian sex if they were TRYING to conceive a baby, right?? Feyre obviously had no clue but Rhys would have definitely put a stop to it. 

As soon as I read the part where Rhys explains why Feyre having a child with wings is dangerous and deadly, the very first question that immediately exploded into my mind was, “If that’s the case, why the hell are these two having unprotected sex, TRYING to get pregnant, while she is in Illyrian form????” If you’re taking your birth control herbs or whatever and you just want to have some kinky Illyrian wing sex, fine!!! Great!!! But like. . .hello!! What are we doing having unprotected “Build a house with a nursery, Feyre” sex in this state?? I didn’t understand why no one was asking that question. Like, did they not put themselves in this situation??? 

And honestly. . .forget everything to do with Feyre. No matter how “small” the chance, the possibility of them conceiving a winged child always existed, due to Rhys’s Illyrian heritage. Wouldn't you think that once they knew they were going to start trying for a child, whether they knew how Feyre’s powers worked or not, if there was even the SLIGHTEST chance the baby could inherit wings, Rhys would inform her that she needed to conceive and then STAY in Illyrian form for her safety?? As I pointed out earlier, it doesn’t make sense to say there’s no chance at all the baby could inherit wings from Rhys. You’d think Rhysand, who loves and adores Feyre above all other things, would have ensured from the moment they began trying to conceive that there was not even the slightest chance this could be an issue for her. 

The only conclusion I can come to is that SJM would say that Rhys and Feyre weren’t aware that Feyre’s powers worked that way. Because all the other alternatives involve him or them looking pretty fucking irresponsible, which we all know is NOT ALLOWED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. No, there is no criticism allowed whatsoever. It’s not their fault!!! They didn’t have sex under unsafe life threatening conditions while TRYING to get pregnant!!!! Rhys didn’t not inform Feyre about the dangers of fae delivering winged babies or take steps to prevent it from happening!!! It’s not Rhys’s fault the baby has wings, even though he carries that genetic makeup in the actual genetic makeup he was born with and carries with him at all times!!! It’s because of some of Feyre’s strange gifted magic and they didn’t even know about it!!!! 

Okay. . .so we’re back to where we were before. If we didn’t know about it then, how do we know about it NOW? What led you to believe that the baby has wings because of Feyre’s weird powers, when you had no idea before?? If they didn’t know her power worked this way, wouldn't they assume the wings were from Rhysand?? But instead, we’ve got Rhys telling us it’s because of the form Feyre was in. How did you find this out and why did you just find it out now??????

Ugh, we could go in circles forever. I realize I’m probably thinking way too much into this. SJM clearly just needed a scenario to exist where Feyre was pregnant with a winged baby that endangered her life and since it goes against her very nature to make her and Rhys do anything bad whatsoever, this is what she came up with. However, it goes against MY very nature to just blindly accept it and move on! 

Point #4: The fact that there were no alternatives to saving Feyre and the baby’s lives is not believable in the slightest. 

I feel like I should point out the admitted absurdity of what I’m saying by calling a specific detail in this series “not believable”. We’re talking about a fantasy series where an immortal fae is pregnant with a baby with large bat-like wings. Obviously, NONE of it is objectively “believable”. When I use language like that, I’m referring to how it is not believable within the context of the world and magic system SJM has created. 

So when Cassian first hears about Feyre’s predicament, one of the first things he asks Rhys is a pretty logical question: Why doesn’t Feyre shift BACK into Illyrian form, so she DOES have the pelvis and birth canal and all that other fun stuff that will allow her to deliver the baby safely? This is Rhys’s response: 

“Madja has put a ban on any more shape-shifting. She says that to alter Feyre’s body in any way right now  could put the baby at risk. On the chance that it could be bad for the baby, Feyre is forbidden to so much as change the color of her hair until after the birth.” 

I’m sorry, this is dumb to me. The baby is ALREADY at risk!!! The situation is basically presented and described as a death sentence to both him and Feyre. It’s told to us over and over that hardly any babies and mothers ever survive these circumstances. It’s why Rhys is freaking out so badly. It seems to me like this is a chance worth taking. They’re using language like “it COULD be bad for the baby” and “there’s a CHANCE it could put it at risk”. They don’t KNOW what would happen, because no one has ever been in Feyre’s position with the unique powers she has. If Feyre can make specific small changes to her body, like the color of her hair, why couldn’t she just make a small specific change to her uterus, without shifting her entire body into some other form? Yes, there is a “chance” it could harm the baby, but how does it look like things are going for the baby on their own???? To me, it seems like the odds are “98% chance you’ll both die” and “Unknown odds about what will happen”. I feel like I know which one I’d go with!!

This is extra infuriating, because this decision, about what Feyre does to her body when her life is at risk, is something she UNQUESTIONABLY should have been a part of deciding. Feyre could have thought that taking a chance on the unknown was worth it, rather than resigning both her and her child to what essentially would be (and did end up being!!!) a death sentence. We’ll never know what she would have decided however, since Rhysand robbed her of making this choice or even contributing her input when he decided to withhold all of this information from her.

“You might be my mate,” he said, “but you remain your own person. You decide your fate – your choices. Not me. You chose yesterday. You choose every day. Forever.” 

File this away under: “Reasons I Despise Rhysand”. #No one likes a hypocrite. 

Moving on. . .that’s a rant for another day. 

The other option that is presented as a safe alternative  is delivering the baby through cesarean section. This is shot down by Cassian, who tells us this: 

“Any attempts in the past to cut the child out of the mother’s womb have been. . .” he shuddered. “No mother has ever survived. So we won’t even try that route.” 

And when the moment actually comes, as Feyre is literally bleeding out and both her and the baby are dying we get this from Madja:

“There is nothing we can do,” Madja said. “Cutting the babe out of her will kill her.”

“Cutting it out?” Nesta demanded, earning a sharp glare from Rhys.

Madja ignored her tone. “An incision along her abdomen, even one carefully made, is an enormous risk. It’s never been successful. And even with Feyre’s healing abilities, the blood loss has weakened her.”

I’m sorry, I have to laugh at this. This is the most blatant case of Convenient Story Telling I have ever seen. I understand that this is a high fantasy world where no technology exists. People use lanterns and ride horses and use herbs to heal things. However, C-Section births have been happening successfully for hundreds of years, far before the time of modern medicine. The first recorded case where both the mother and child survived was in Switzerland in 1500. The first one to occur in the United States happened in 1794. Obviously these procedures did not occur without serious risk before modern medicine, but they DID happen successfully. And you mean to tell me that in a fantasy world where extremely powerful magic exists, we couldn’t make one happen???

It just seems so contrived to me. No normal rules of medicine or healing have EVER had anything to do with this series. Let’s just cite a couple of examples:

Lucien has his eyeball clawed out by Amarantha and was given a magical metal eye replacement, crafted by Nuan, the alchemist from the Dawn Court.

Feyre has her arm shattered by the Middengard Wyrm, has tendons and bone hanging out of it, festering with infection, and Rhysand heals it to perfection with his bare hands.

Tamlin gets stabbed through the heart by Feyre, has a gaping chest wound that pours blood all over the floor, but is healed enough to attack and kill Amarantha the moment the curse is broken. 

Cassian somehow knows what lactic acid is 

Madja can perform magical ultrasounds where she can tell the baby’s gender and general shape/size/presence of wings.

Nesta recalls how in the battle against Hybern, Cassian had “been gutted and Azriel had held his entrails in with his bare hands”.

We are existing in a world where BOTH of this baby’s parents have literally DIED and been brought back to life!!!!!

If this is a world where all of those things can happen, it seems ridiculous to me that a successful cesarean birth is impossible and would result in certain death for both Feyre and the baby. Clearly this society has the healing capability to save someone who’s guts are literally hanging out of their body (Cassian) and yet we’re supposed to believe a c-section is completely impossible? And not only that. . .we are dealing with a magic system that literally brings people back to life. Feyre AND Rhys were both killed at certain points in this story and restored to full life through magic. I’m not saying the exact method used on them could be applied here, I’m just saying. . .it seems unrealistic that there couldn’t be SOME sort of magical solution to someone bleeding out from a c-section. It’s just a case of very convenient story telling, which is something that has always bugged me in stories. 

Point #5: The climax of what was supposed to be Nesta and Cassian’s story felt centered around and overshadowed by Feysand. 

I guess at this point, I shouldn’t really be surprised. But I still couldn’t help the sense of disappointment I felt over all the drama at the end of this book being all about the Feysand baby. Nesta had just gone through the fucking Blood Rite, something no female had EVER survived or even participated in in the thousand year history of the Illyrians. Not only did she survive, she came damn near close to winning/completing it (admittedly unrealistic, considering she had been training a few months and was up against insanely powerful Illyrian warriors who had been training literally decades, but whatever. . .that’s how a lot of fantasy stories roll). I felt like we didn’t even get a moment to sit with that and really reflect on it before we’re whisked away to Feyre’s delivery room, and all of that drama ensues. It felt like we didn’t have a true emotional moment about anything to do with the Rite before it was abruptly cut off, leaving me with a disjointed feeling. 

I understand that this moment was supposed to serve as a big important healing moment between Nesta and Feyre. I understand that that was an important part of Nesta’s story. I’m all for some sisterly love and it was certainly satisfying to see Rhys go on his knees in gratitude before her. I just personally wouldn't have chosen THIS moment to be the climax and The Big Ending of the entire book. And maybe my feelings on this wouldn't be as strong if I didn’t already know that SJM is unnaturally obsessed with Feysand. That made it harder to swallow. Whether this is rational or not (and I acknowledge that of all the points I made, this might be the one that isn’t entirely), it felt like SJM just featuring her faves again. 

This ended up being WAY longer and more rambly than I had planned on, but once I got started, I just couldn’t stop! I’ve been bottling this all up for over a year now and it clearly needed to be let out. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I have respect for Sarah as an author but I will never not critique something I feel is poorly executed, as long as I can back it up with logic and facts from the text. I feel like I’ve done a pretty fair job of doing that. 

In conclusion: Rhys and Feyre are not fit to be parents at this point in their lives based on their own choices they have made, nor does it really make sense for them to even WANT to be at the moment. The situation they found themselves in was entirely preventable and SJM’s excuse and explanation for it was convoluted. I don’t find it to be believable in the slightest that there was no other possible way to safely deliver the baby and save Feyre, based on the word that SJM herself created. And Nesta ended up feeling like a supporting character in the dramatic finale of her own story. I wish she would have gotten her full moment in the spotlight without any involvement from SJM’s blatant favorites. Nesta really deserved better. 

[oinkawa-bb]

first time dads!haikyuu pt.2

request: Hi! I just read your Haikyuu as first time dads and it's so cute! Would you mind writing another one with Iwaizumi, Suna, Atsumu and Osamu? I'm looking forward to seeing more of your writing. Have a nice day! -anon

note: thank u lovely anon for being my first request!!🥺❤️ i enjoyed writing this and i hope you enjoy reading it uwu <33 i really hope i did the inarizaki characters justice b/c i’ve just recently gotten to know them!! owo here is dad!iwa, suna, atsumu, osamu 

mentions/topics: pregnancy, domesticity, timeskip, female reader insert

part one (daichi, kuroo, oikawa)

part three (tsukki, akaashi, yams, kenma)

☀︎—hajime iwaizumi

iwa and you have been trying for months

and he’s been super supportive and comforting when each test comes back negative :/

but this one day, you feel different

and he’s sitting on the ground outside the bathroom door just trying to offer positive affirmations bc he’s waiting for you to finish taking the test

but when the door opens, he sees your face and just knows

you don’t even need to say anything bc he already has a HUGE grin on his face and is pulling you in for a hug

he definitely kneels down to plant kisses on your tummy

your attempts to stop him don’t work they never do

soon to be dad iwa is super protective and cautious

definitely feels most comfortable when he can hold or touch you some way when in public

he likes to place his hand gently around your waist or he’ll grip your hand if there’s crowds

sometimes he’s a little too firm in his affection, and you have remind him to lighten up to which he becomes a lil flustered

“hajime...i can’t feel my hand,,”

but when you do go into labor, he whips out this midwife-like knowledge out of nowhere

similar to daichi, iwa became super well informed by researching a lot (but just in secret, you really had no clue)

he watched videos, read through other people’s experiences, and asked a bunch of people for their input

and now he’s super helpful to you through your contractions in the car and at the hospital

he’s calm and firm, supporting you physically to the hospital and emotionally through the labor

but when iwa’s baby finally makes their appearance

he just becomes all ushy-gushy and weak with watery eyes

his hands are pressed together and placed at his mouth in awe when he finally sees you hold his child

and then when he finally gets to hold the baby,

boy oh boy

iwaizumi actually cries a lot more than either of you expected

he’s so smitten with his newborn, and he can’t stop internally & externally praising your strength for carrying and birthing his child 

like he sees you in a totally different light, and he thought it was impossible but he’s fallen even more in love with you now

and he can’t wait to take care of his new family🥺

☀︎—suna rintarou

suna definitely didn’t see this coming,,,

but nonetheless when he processes the meaning behind the bun you placed in the oven, he doesn’t feel anything but sheer excitement

suna’s actually wanted to have children with you for awhile

but he’s never admitted it out loud uwuwuwu

he holds you firmly in his arms and caresses your hair gently for a long time, and you have to ask him if everything’s ok🥺

but it’s literally because he’s lowkey tearing up and at a loss for words

after a few moments tho, he collects himself and slowly presses light kisses all over your face

“i’m just really happy.”

at night, he refuses to sleep when he knows that you’re struggling to sleep due to discomfort

so he’ll lay awake with you and mumble mindlessly about the future he sees with you until both of you doze off

sometimes he just sees you standing at the counter or something and he can’t resist bc ur just so cute!!!!

he’ll quietly come in for a back hug,,,

and he’ll place his chin on your head and his arms around your belly and close his eyes and just stand there for as long as he wants until... 

”rin.... i need to pee”

he’ll let go then probably

but when the day finally comes, his mind is literally all over the place and he’s trying to be calm on the outside

in the car, your breathing is getting heavier and sharper, and he’s lowkey a little panicked but he won’t stop reassuring you for one second

“hey, look at me, you’re okay, it’s gonna be okay”

he’s definitely in pain himself seeing you in labor,

but he’ll be by your bedside, gently holding your hand and letting you squeeze his as hard as you need to

but it’s all worth it when he gets to see his baby with his own eyes,,

when he sees you cooing softly and holding his dear child against your chest, silent tears fall out of his eyes

suna swears he’s never seen a more beautiful sight than this

☀︎—atsumu miya

atsumu comes home from an exhausting day of work, 

and right as he walks through the door, he’s whining your name, about to ramble about practice...

but then he sees a tiny pair of volleyball shoes at the front,,,

and he’s like... o w o

even though he’s tired out of his mind, his brain works quickly, and he’s connecting the dots in his head

you’re just standing there at the end of the hallway all giggly n cute

he raises his eyebrow and then his sly smile turns into a huge one as he runs up to you,

he clutches your face in his hands and is peppering kisses all over you to the point where you have to physically pry him away

basically immediately, atsumu starts using little nicknames for the baby, but they change almost every day LOL

he also definitely downloaded the pregnancy tracking app (even though? you already have one? and it’s unnecessary for him to have it too? he doesn’t care tho)

he checks it every day before work, lets you know what size the baby is, and kisses your bump aka his angel/nugget/muffin/dumpling/etc. before leaving

“y/nnnn my lil’ angel is the size of a bell pepper today”

“atsumu... i know.. i already checked”

atsumu also boasts so much when he’s sharing the news with his teammates and family members

like osamu was somewhat looking forward to being an uncle until atsumu hit him with the daily updates of your cravings and symptoms and how the baby kicked when he placed his hand on your belly and on and on

but he also just wants to make you feel hella loved and wanted during your pregnancy

he can sense that your body image and self-esteem sometimes takes a major hit

so it’s not uncommon for him to be showering you in compliments nonstop

but honestly it’s also just because he thinks ur even hotter... if that was possible....

this is embarassing but i feel like he has you saved as “hot mama” in his phone or smth

and then the day arrives, and the whole drive there, he’s going “oh shit” in his head over and over but he’s playing this cool demeanor on the outside

actually, this carries over into the hospital too, but he just decides that he’ll do whatever he can to pamper the hell out of you & make you feel less uncomfortable

upon first sight of the baby,

there’s no other words to describe how he feels other than his heart just melting on the spot. 

it’s game over for him because he knows that he’ll literally do anything for you and this precious baby now

anything. (prepare to be spoiled rotten)

☀︎—osamu miya

osamu returns from work one day,

and you’re just at the stove cooking, so he comes up behind you, snaking a hand up the bottom of your shirt to caress your bare waist while whispering his greeting in your ear

but then you wince when he touches your stomach

and he’s like “oh?”

he’s super puzzled so he intently observes you as you bite your lip and start to blush

“i was going to tell you this over dinner but i just can’t hold it in,”

osamu kind of already knows where this is headed but he watches as you reach for your back pocket and pull out a pregnancy test neatly tucked in a ziploc bag

he’s been waiting for this moment to come his whole life (osamu a sucker for domesticity imo) so he’s literally internally screaming for joy!!!

but outwardly his smile conveys it all, and he’s chuckling as he pulls you close by the waist to plant a kiss to your lips

during your pregnancy, osamu becomes overwhelmingly nurturing

it’s almost like you’re the baby ???

like he cooks even more for you and is always whipping something up asap when you mention your cravings

what if he made onigiri with the foods you crave as the filling

he does research on ways to quell nausea and discomfort and goes out to buy herbs and ingredients that would make you feel better

basically, he wants to take the best care of you possible my baby

at night, he’s going to let you use him in any way to sleep better

most of the times, you want him pressed against your back and his head nuzzling your neck

he whispers soft and sweet declarations of his love for you and the baby when he thinks you’re asleep you’re not

ok but when the day comes,,,

osamu is just so ready for the baby to arrive that he’s as cool and collected as ever

you’re definitely not tho, and he can sense it, so he’ll find every way to calm you down

meaning,,, he’ll play calming spa music in the hospital room, massage your lower back, gently repeat encouraging affirmations, etc, etc.

osamu takes care of you so well uwuwuwu

and when the baby makes an appearance, you bet osamu leaps to dad duty right away

he’s emotional but clear-minded, and he’s already mentally planning his life with you back at home with the baby🥺

he can see the future with you and this sweet baby for eternity and he’s so ready <3333

[reaperkaneki]

and now for my opinions on the individual routes! this is gonna get long so bear with me.

i played through the initial routes in the order of riku (blue) -> amakusa (green) -> yosuga (purple) -> kuroba (black). you could probably swap yosuga and kuroba depending on preference, or even insert tokisada between the two as a breather since purple and black have fairly heavy themes.

again, the game is romance-heavy compared to past localized otome. the structure is like this: the first half of a route is dedicated to ‘how the characters fall for each other’, the second is dedicated to ‘who objects to this relationship and also what horrible little facet of the game’s broken caste-based society are we concentrating on today’. so, romance -> antagonism and lore.

i would for sure recommend doing riku first, since his route has the least amount of spoilers for the other routes. at the very least i would definitely not do yosugas route before his because that has some revelations on the antagonist of riku’s route. i went in expecting riku to be my least favorite, but he was super cute and i ended up liking him way more than anticipated. i want to bully him a little bit. again, great for a first route.

i’ll go ahead and say that i didn’t like tokisada’s route very much. he’s only seventeen, so younger than olympia by a year, so he’s very youthful and fun at first and i enjoyed the first half of his route. his character arc is fine in theory; unfortunately, he didn’t really do it for me. he has a lot of complexes that are relatable, and a lot of genuine flaws that make sense given his trauma, but his route seemed to drag on forever and i was constantly caught between going ‘okay, this is an unhealthy but understandable and realistic trauma behavior, i should give him the benefit of the doubt’ and ‘wait this is an otome and i am not a therapist, i want to grab this little twink by the shoulders and shake him’. oh, one surprising thing though: he has a lot of kisses. for the youngest member of the cast, who definitely has no prior experience, he sure does have a lot of service? which is immediately killed by the fact that he calls olympia onee-san aaaaaAAAAAAA NOT DURING THE SPICY SCENES ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

yosuga is more plot-heavy of a route than i expected. all of the routes have some aspect of ‘certain things happened in the past that were covered up for the sake of maintaining the status quo on the island’ but other than the final two, this one has the most flavor of ‘are you sure you want to know’? while the romance was barely there compared to, say, tokisada’s where he drags you on dates for the first half of the route, i think i liked the antagonist in his route the most—they’re complex and while most antagonists in this game have suffered under some aspect of the island’s caste system and strict societal obligations, i felt the most sympathy here.

i expected either kuroba or akaza, maybe even yosuga, to be my favorite when the game was announced solely based on character design and seiyuu, and was a little hesitant when kuroba was described as an older brother type character. then i played the game and basically spent the three routes i did first pining after him. yes, he’s reliable and good with kids, but he’s actually the flirty jokester type with a serious side, and in many of the routes he plays an excellent wingman. truly the brosiest of bros. now that i’ve got my biased opinion of kuroba out of the way, his actual route? i’ve got mixed feelings. on one hand, the date scenes are really fun. kuroba grappling with ethical concerns as a doctor was handled well imo. on the other, the relationship goes through a lot of ups and downs. there are some moments where i wanted to shake him (and olympia!) by the shoulders because they’re both very. hm. guys. seriously. and lastly but most unfortunately there’s some scenes that. well. heavy content warning. sexual violence. not great. it mostly pulls together in the end, albeit somewhat messily.

speaking of plot heavy, himuka’s route is revelation after revelation about the world they live in. which is why it’s locked. (i actually thought while playing it, “what could akaza’s route possibly reveal that himuka’s hasn’t?”) but since i’m trying to keep this mostly spoiler-free, i’ll talk abt himuka himself. i liked him! he’s cute. he gives me orlok piofiore vibes. he’s very intense and socially awkward, and definitely puts olympia up on a pedestal that she doesn’t want to be on. he has very little self esteem, does a thankless job, and is self sacrificing. in short, he’s very, very similar to olympia in some respects, and utterly foreign in others, which makes him a good parallel for her.

akaza is obviously the ‘main guy’. it’s very hard to discuss his route without spoiling anything. i’ll do my best. he’s known as the iron mask, a nickname kuroba gave him as a joke but it stuck. he’s so serious it almost borders on the comical. he’s aggressive in his pursuit of olympia because she tends to avoid his romantic advances out of…. stubbornness and spite; she had a bad first impression of him because he declared he would marry her out of obligation if she couldn’t find a husband and that pissed her off majorly. this would come off as skeevy and ymmv but i think it’s handled decently well because it’s clear very early on in even the common route that olympia understands that akaza is not a bad person, he’s actually a very good, reliable man who hates injustice. akaza is fairly gentlemanly despite being pushy abt getting her to give him a chance—he explicitly talks abt consent a few times and that he won’t touch or kiss her without her permission. he’s blank faced and monotone but a good cook and a romantic at heart. the rest of his route? without spoilers, again, it’s hard. his antagonist is a hit or miss i think. some people might dislike that they’re inconsistent and hard to understand, and i totally get that, but i liked that said character explicitly states that they’ve got conflicting desires and don’t understand it completely themself. it’s paradoxical and that seems in line with their characterization. WAIT HOLD ON ONE MORE THING: akaza takes off his glasses during date scenes which makes his route a 0/10 booooooo we hate you.

my ranking for the guys based on person preference: kuroba > akaza / riku / himuka > yosuga > tokisada

akaza’s design does it for me over riku and himuka’s, riku’s character is cuter than the other two, and himuka has a certain je ne sais quoi that made me like him more than expected. they’re in the same spot because my favorite of the three changes based on what mood i’m in lol

[thedreadvampy]

So this was sent to me by @atiredpan weeks ago when the White Jon conversation was very live and I'm posting it (belatedly) with their blessing (they didn't want to put it up publicly and have it seem like an attack which I really very much appreciate but wouldn't have minded) and I percolated for a few days and then got very busy for a few weeks. Response follows.

So I feel weird about how I'm responding to this stuff, I'm launching rapidly into taking about/explaining my own experience in a way I'm worried maybe comes across as a direct comparison. It kind of feels like I'm talking in a way that's like brushing off your experience and saying OK BUT HERE'S WHY I'M RIGHT and that's not what I'm trying to do, it's just that there's not much I can usefully add to what you've said - you know your experience better than I do, and I'm not gonna go around trying to read into it or reexplain it. So I'm going to talk about where I am/have been coming from, but not with the intention of countering your points, all of which I think really resonate.

First off, the post where I was like "Jon is white and if you disagree you're Wrong" was, unreservedly, just a shitty post and I'm not suprised it upset a lot of people. I'm really very sorry about that, it was thoughtlessly written and pretty stupidly posted.

I totally get that my whiteness has fed into how I hced Jon (and as I think I've said before I saw Jon a certain way well before I engaged with any fanworks, just as you did). There's a lot of reasons I imagined Jon as white from pretty early on, a non-negligible one of which was like...That's Jonny. This is a podcast by Jonny, about a character with the same name and mannerisms as Jonny, and Jonny is extremely white. It would have felt weird, when I was listening to TMA as a Friend Podcast, to stick a brown face onto what at least appeared at the time to basically be a self-insert character of my white friend. Now that's a really personal thing informed less by the story and more by the circumstances under which I've interacted with it, but it certainly laid a baseline. I didn't really have a clear mental picture of Jon (or most of the characters) for a looooooong time (for an artist I'm really not a very visual thinker) but I had a few sort of mental sketches (Jon is short white balding and awkward, Martin is tall biracial and scruffy Basira is fat and somali Melanie is my friend from work etc) which I developed a long time before I encountered fanworks.

I saw the alienation you mentioned and I connected it to class and gender, not race, because I’ve met a lot of cis men, white and otherwise, who interpolate trauma, class insecurity, insecurity about their own abilities, and so on into withdrawal, denial and snappiness. So for me I had an interpretation of that element of his personality which was pretty much race-neutral, and then I had these existing cues leading me to assuming he was white (largely that Jonny is white, but also wee stuff in the story that...it’s not like anything substantial enough to remember, let alone justify, but there were certainly interactions that pinged whiteness for me personally)

There are actually iirc a few throwaway references to Jon being promoted above more qualified candidates throughout (or at least I thought I knew that before s5), but the time I decided I thought White Jon was an obvious conclusion was of course the conversation where Sasha expresses frustration about it. and the context of that conclusion (at least as far as I can see) wasn't "people of colour can only exist in subservient positions/defined by oppression" but was informed by two things that were going on with my life around the time that episode aired

I had been having several conversations with friends of mine (and largely friends of Jonny's) who work in London in the museums/archiving sector and who are the only women of colour in whole departments or even whole museums, and who experience so little career mobility compared to their less-qualified white counterparts (we're talking about women graduating top of their class at Oxbridge with anthropology or library science masters and stellar original research, with a decade or more of impeccable work experience and acting up, being left in internship and low-grade positions, while white men who "fit the culture" but have 0 museums experience sail into upper management positions and then stay there until they retire). So I'd come almost directly from these conversations into what to me sounded like exactly the same gripe in TMA.

I'd been at that point working for about a year and a half on co-coordinating the anti-oppression committee in my workplace, which was a very Good Progressive Activist Charity with Good Lefty Principles, and over the course of experience sharing and discussions both with colleagues of colour and along lines of wealth, disability, class etc, I was very much confronted with the realisation of how much 'being adequately qualified' meant different things for middle-class good-university white men vs much more highly skilled and hardworking women of colour or people of different class and wealth backgrounds. Obviously I'd known that before in principle, but not really having been in Salaried Workplaces (as opposed to like. service and retail hourlies) I hadn’t got so up close and personal with it. So that was also very fresh in my mind, this like...big substantial experience of how Good, Well-Meaning, Caring, Thoughtful, Woke white men just........did not need to think about this. at all. and were startled and discomforted to face it. and that this was also true of most white middle-class women. and these conversations were really carved down the middle between white middle-class European women saying ‘this is such a surprise when we have such an equitable hiring policy and diverse staff, that there’s this gender gap’ and women of colour in the room wearily saying ‘yeah, there’s a gender gap, there’s always a gender gap and it is always a racialised gender gap’ so yeah I was definitely thinking about the intersection between being passed over at work because of gender and because of race.

The point about Tim is interesting because I think for me what’s getting lost is that I don’t think Jon is entitled as like...a Character Trait. He’s not like...Toxic Masculinity Man. He is very anxious about boundaries and about his own capacity to do harm. But it has to be pointed out to him where he’s doing harm. He doesn’t notice where he’s been unfairly advantaged, and that’s to me much more reflective of most people’s relationship to white or male entitlement. 

As I say, that exchange with Tim and Sasha cemented the Jon Is White hc in my head specifically because it was so reflective of conversations I had had with women of colour working in similar workplaces, about white men, usually about white men they generally liked or at least didn’t have beef with beyond their unfair advantages. 

It seems odd to me to frame ‘bitching about your boss on your friend’s behalf to make her feel better’ as more similar to white entitlement/white privilege than any of that tbh? That’s just...being friends with someone? 

Anyway I recognise that it’s not white entitlement to accept a job. Obviously it’s not, it’s just sensible under the circumstances, you get lucky and you grab it. For me my sense of Jon as white-because-of-this is not “he took a job he shouldn’t have taken,” it’s more about his obliviousness to the impact he has on others, and also primarily how people react to him. The interaction between Sasha and Tim is saturated with the of course it would be him I mentioned above, but even before that he walks through the world not expecting to have to think about anything but his conscious decisions, and he’s caught aback when people see him as out of place or as having power above his station.

I think it’s impossible to extricate ‘this is where my head was at’ from that interpretation, and also like obviously my own whiteness is a big factor. And not just my own personal whiteness but the place I grew up (which was 98.3% white) and the world which reflects back whiteness. So this is in no way intended as a bolshy This Is The Correct Headcanon the way my Bad Post was bc examining it I’m like...yeah I mean this is about how I personally interpreted this based on where I was at at the time. But I do feel like there’s some communication gap in what it is about this unqualified promotion thing that pinged me - it’s not that All Bosses Must Be White And All Brown People Must Be Downtrod, it’s something quite specific about the tone and tenor of the interactions around the getting-a-job.

But also? Idk. Kind of unrelatedly, and people obviously should feel free to disagree with me on this, it feels kind of off to frame this as defaulting to a white Jon? I sort of think that my idea of Jon as white is very much not ‘white until proven otherwise’ - part of the reason for my original strident tone was that I felt that I was being expected to drop a headcanon I had for specific reasons and default to the fanon version of Jon without actually having any reason other than ‘this is how the community thinks he should look,’ and without really understanding anything about what that means, and while obviously defaulting to a non-white headcanon isn’t like...entrenched in the way that defaulting to a white headcanon is, it does seem to me like this is perhaps part of why white fans slap brown skin onto a character without thinking into what that means or why they’re doing it.

The thing I’m struggling with as regards my personal headcanon here is that I could decide to only ever draw Jon as Fanon Jon, but it wouldn’t be because I had strong reasons to see him that way, it wouldn’t be the same as why you see Jon as brown, or why I see like...Melanie as Indian, it would literally be Default To Standard in a way it isn’t for you. And I don’t feel that I have Defaulted To Whiteness, or where I have it is for reasons specifically to do with Jon (I visualised Jon as white because I visualised him as Jonny, who is white), not because I think every character is White Until Proven Otherwise. Like, my reasons for understanding Jon as white may be bad reasons, but they are reasons, not post-hoc excuses (I can’t like...prove that. but I know it to be true at least on a conscious level). I didn’t go Oh Jon Is White Because Everyone Is Unless I Have Reason To Think They Aren’t, Hooray, Here Is A Post-Hoc Justification For Why It Isn’t Racist To Think That. So while I am totally on board with the idea that it may be shitty, harmful or poorly thought through to hc Jon as white, I’m not sure I can fully see it in myself as being default. But I do understand that that isn’t necessarily what came across in my original short post.

Honestly, the reason I took issue with Fanon Jon and Fanon Martin in such a bolshy way in the first place was that I didn’t get why these characters were universally seen as Asian and white, respectively, and had such strong and consistent fanon images, when none of the other characters did, and when I was seeing people drawing people like Sasha and Melanie and Tim as white way more when in my mind there was no reason to assume they were white. On an emotional level I guess I think either there’s Fanon As Lore, or there’s no fanon (and I prefer the latter) and my discomfort came from the place that the one character I absolutely saw as coded as white in the core cast had this one really specific Ambiguously Brown Fanon Look (which from what I’d seen at the time didn’t seem to be like...backed with anything or coming from any personal interpretation for most of the white fans I was seeing on like Twitter and Tumblr) but white headcanons are everywhere for characters like Melanie or Sasha or Georgie, who seemed to me to be unambiguously people of colour, or characters like Tim or Martin (who could perfectly reasonably be people of colour and who I hc as Rroma and biracial respectively)? I don’t know, it’s difficult to express, but I find it frustrating.

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Hii! Yeah don't worry about it! Live your life, the internet people can wait, I know I appreciate you taking the time to reply, no matter how long it takes! 👍✨

Oh cool! France and LA that must've been fun, have always wanted to go to those places. Will get around to it eventually. I've lived in Brazil, Canada, and now Portugal, but I've also visited Orlando (Disneyland) and Miami in the US. Hoping I can go to Spain next year to visit my best friend too.

What did you say that got people making fun of you? haha Which fic did you insert that in? The only reason I cheat while playing games is bc I get bored easily so I have to add a little bit of spice hahaha and my morals are questionable I guess. 🤷‍♀️ My mbti is the architect (INTJ-T) so I guess that explains things a bit (?). Do you know your mbti? Omg your poor roommate hahaha I mean that's the best kind of winner to be, humble winners are boring as hell lol

Aren't you glad you had those drunken experiences when you were younger instead of now tho? I can't promise I'll never do stuff like that again but I'm fine with it being behind me for now hahaha. Omg you're totally right on the accent thing, hadn't thought about it that way!

What!! You should watch Stranger Things with her! It's sooo good, it's a guaranteed fun time for you two. My favourite episodes of thobm are 4 and 6 too, I like epi 9 only up until Dani's bathtub incident.

I like doing accents too but only to myself bc I'm too self-conscious haha Although I pick up accents really easily it's kinda embarrassing, sometimes people think I'm mocking them. Do people get offended when you try to do their accents? 😂 I got a scholarship at a british english school in my home country when I was a kid so I had an RP accent growing up but ended up with a generic American accent after watching too many American movies and TV shows. Sometimes it comes out generic Canadian too haha. Nordern English accent became my favourite tho after watching Billy Elliott when I was a teen!

Awwh gee thanks! I'm happy you liked my damie fan art! Didn't know you already started writing for medieval AU, makes sense people already thought to send you prompts for it, it's a really cool universe! Looking forward to updates on all your WIPS, love them all! Take your time if you need tho!

Sounds like a really fun weekend! Yeah I know what you mean, don't worry we won't tell them you have a favourite haha. Congrats on coming second on that game of crazy golf! 🎉 and thank you, I will!

Awwh thank you for understanding!! I'll always reply to people's comments eventually it just takes longer sometimes, but I will always get around to it eventually!! France was fun I went to Disney Land Paris and shared a hotel room with my roommate (yes she was on the trip too because she was in another photography class... we have been friends for so long now) it was honestly a lot of fun and I went to LA to visit my ex-girlfriend while we were still together it was a long distance relationship and I went out to LA and my roommate was invited too so we had a trip out there and had a great time I would 100% go back to LA some time!! So jealous that you've lived in Canada that's one place I really wanna go I would love to live there it looks like such a beautiful country!! I would love to go to Orlando and Miami... I wanna see all 50 states eventually if I can... so far I've seen one so only 49 to go haha!! Awwh I really hope you can get out to Spain to see your best friend!! Which is your favourite place you have visited so far? Okay so... the thing I said is in Can't Buy Me Love and it's a bit of a long story so I'll shorten it down here, but basically a group of us were talking about myths and things and I mentioned the myth of being able to see the Great Wall of china from the moon (you can't) and to add to the myth as a buster I genuinely said "Well that's the thing, people say you can see the Great Wall of China from the moon... but can you see the moon from the Great Wall of China?" and it took a good five minutes of people telling me you could see it from my house and just about anywhere else to realise that, if the moon is out, and it's a clear night, and you're y'know facing the moon... you can pretty much see it anywhere... but that's what people still mock me about... that I asked if you can see the moon from the Great Wall of China... so I put that in CBML and had it as a story Dani tells Jamie. Haha I love your reason for cheating and think it's as good as a reason as any haha!! I do know my mbti... mine is the campaigner...EFNP-T... I don't know what these mean either I read it a while ago but forgot what it meant I just know what I am haha... oh yeah she's had a lot to put up with so she just won't play games with me anymore... oh yeah I agree humble winners are okay but I do like a good bit of bragging when you win a game I am glad yeah... although the road sign incident was only... 3 years ago haha like I would like to say I was a lot younger then but I wasn't haha the black out incident I was though... I can't drink much anymore though because of medication I'm on (life long medication) so I can have maybe one or two drinks and that's it so I can't do things like that again which is probably a good thing really!! Haha best way to be don't make promises like that because that is a sure fire way to definitely do it again the second you make that promise the opportunity to do it again will show itself haha!! Yeah Jamie just has no accent to me like she just talks like most people I know it's only when I saw people talking about it that I realised to some people the Northern accent is exactly that... an accent haha I LOVE episode 9 for me 4,6, and 8 are a joint favourite like I can't pick between them and then it's episode 9 because I do love it and I love seeing them be that happy for the first part of the episode but then it just gets so sad and I can't take it!! I do accents all the time around anyone even though I am terrible at them haha... nah people don't ever get offended they just sort of smile and shake their heads at me... some people have asked me to do their accent before but I mean, I am sure eventually someone will be offended there's a first time for everything... I just have an accent that's really similar to Jamie's it's not the exact same but it's very close I love that you've had so many accents for so many reasons... omg yeah the accent on Billy Elliot is my favourite accent ever, it is a northern accent but it's from a city called New Castle which is SO different to some

other northern accents... it's the Geordie accent and it's just beautiful I could honestly listen to people from New Castle talk for hours- people from South Shields also sound like that (SS is really close to New Castle) I can see why that accent is your favourite I wish I talked like that I loved that fan art I thought it was amazing!! Yeah I haven't written much of it but I have some of it written and when I say some I mean I have like 4 different scenes written from different points of the fic and each scene is only like 1k words so far!! It's such a cool universe and I am so happy people have sent me prompts for it!! Awwh thank you so much I'm glad you're looking forward to the updates of my WIPs that really means a lot to me!! I've had a great weekend but I am so tired now totally and utterly done after the weekend I've had haha... I wouldn't say I have favourites I have just spent more time with one niece than the other because since she was really young I've looked after her while her parents have been at work and I've had breaks from work / college / university so I have spent so much time with her and she's turning into a little mini me with some stuff she does but I love all my nieces and nephews the same (and I have so many nieces and nephews haha) Awwh thank you!! I appreciate that, still feeling really proud of my second place in crazy golf haha!! and you're welcome!! ☺️

[boltwrites]

hey, i want to pay you a compliment but i don’t want to be weird about it - a guide to interacting with a smut writer

so, recently i got a pretty inappropriate ask and figured this would be something beneficial to share with you all, especially if you’re new to interacting with smut writers or don’t know where the line in. i know it can be kind of intimidating and confusing interacting with smut content when you’re new to it or you’ve never spoken to a writer directly, so i hope this guide can offer you a little bit of perspective.

also, a disclaimer - this is based off of what i consider appropriate. if you’re ever worried, just straight up ask a smut writer about what kind of compliments they like, and what would be considered going too far

what compliments related to their work are ok?

so, for me, i highly prefer literature-related comments, however, general enjoyment comments are good as well! here are some examples of each type:

general enjoyment compliments are your safest bet for any fic. they’re a little basic, but authors will still love to see them in tags, asks, and reviews. they’re a fic writer’s bread and butter, and i’d even go so far to say that almost every smut fic writer would find these appropriate. here are some examples:

i loved this fic so much! you’re an amazing writing and i’m looking forward to reading more of your work

EXCUSE ME WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT - this was amazing! one of my fav fics of all time, you have so much talent

THANK YOU FOR THE FOOD (insert praying emoji here)

IJBGRJGOTER OP YOU ARE GOING TO K I L L M E

one of these days i am going to pass out from how good your writing is i SWEAR

you can be funny with these, but the general point is just to compliment the writer, tell them that you enjoy their work and that you value the effort they put into the piece. you can find these kinds of compliments on any sort of fic, i just feel like the last couple of really frantic keysmashing ones are far more common on smut fics!

now, on to literary compliments. this section can be a little trickier, since you’re specifically discussing the smutty content of the story, but here are some general themes to keep in mind: characterization, character relationship, plot/setup, author voice, and realism. since you’re complimenting a writer, leaning into literary elements can do you some good in keeping you grounded in the art of their work rather than stepping over the line into inappropriate comments. some examples:

you write him so well! i definitely think he would be a hard dom, and you captured that perfectly! the dialogue... just *chef’s kiss* (characterization)

dude, the relationship between her and y/n is ADORABLE. like yeah, the smut was awesome, as always, but i love how you captured how soft she would be in a relationship, and y/n is so gentle in return... it was just so sweet, i loved it! (relationships)

i don’t know how you do it but you write the BEST setups. i feel like you can write any character in any kink setup and i would just go “yeah, that makes total sense” even if it’s completely implausible. it’s just that good! respect. (setups/plot)

the way you write is so amazing. i love the way you describe everything, it’s so poetic and beautiful. i definitely think it suits the characters, and i love the idea of a sex scene like that being so intimate and beautiful (author voice)

i love that you don’t take everything so seriously! that you write little jokes even in your sex scenes - i hate reading scenes that are super stiff and overly dramatic, and you capture something so fun and sweet when you write, it’s awesome! (author voice)

ok, can i just say i LOVE how realistic your scenes are? like, i love how you include things like foreplay and aftercare and emphasize the playfulness and even the mistakes that can happen when you’re trying something with a partner for the first time. (realism)

i, personally, love literature related comments. i write smut as a form of literature, and even if it isn’t “high art” i do like it when people appreciate the time i take to work on characterization and similar elements

basically, treat a smut fic like any other fic when it comes to writing a compliment. smut can be literary too!

what compliments aren’t ok?

alright, so this is the important section. mostly this relates to personal experiences that are serious and unrelated to the work itself. basically, you’re treating me, the smut writer, like your friend that you share your sexual experiences with. if it doesn’t relate to the character, the fic, or my writing skill, it’s probably not appropriate. some examples

telling me sex acts you did while you read the fic. this is basically the classic “i jacked off to this, it’s sooooo good” comment. some people can jack off to a particularly curvy piece of driftwood - this isn’t a compliment, this is a violation of writer/reader trust. i don’t want to know about your personal sex life

personal sex stories. don’t tell me about how one time you were fucking your bf and it was like this fic i wrote - i don’t care, i don’t want to hear about how you had sex with your bf.

basically any real life, direct connections to you and your sex life that aren’t jokes (i’ll explain this in the next section)

also, a big section of compliments that are always a hard no - shit that relates back to MY sexual expertise. such as “wow you write this so well, you’re probably good in bed” or “wow you’re a freak huh? lmao” don’t fucking perceive me

what personal comments are ok?

so, this section deals with what asks you can send me that aren’t compliments - aka what messages relating to headcanons, your personal life, etc, that you can share with me that may or may not be smut related. this is specific to ME, as in, check in with other smut writers for these things

sharing jokes surrounding your personal life that may be slightly sexual. for example, at one point, i wrote a set of dick headcanons and an anon commented (in a joking way) that i described their bf’s dick perfectly. while this is a sexual comment, the anon didn’t tell me anything about their sex life or sex acts they committed - they just made a joking sexual comment that connected back to their daily life. for me, personally, if it is slightly sexual, but does not involve any actual sex/masturbation acts, it’s fine to joke about with me

in addition to the above, sending in comments like “thanks, bolt, now i have a praise kink” or similar, after i write something about it. they’re joking, and they’re fine to send in to my blog

sending me in smutty headcanons. i LOVE when people send me in smutty headcanons about how a character would act in certain scenarios. so PLEASE feel free to send those

questions about kink, kink culture, or even general sex ed questions. if it’s educational in nature, i would be more than happy to help, but a reminder that i am just a random stranger on the internet. you should probably just ask me what sex pollen is, and not how to fix your sex life lmao

telling me what you would do to a character is fine. like “omg i wanna peg Bolin so bad can you imagine the noises he would make?” is perfectly fine, to me. we’re all thirsting after these characters, and it’s a major subject of the blog, so i don’t mind these asks, especially since sometimes they lead to me writing out some headcanons or fleshing out a certain part of a character

what personal comments aren’t ok?

i covered this mostly in previous sections, but - 

discussions of your personal sex life, as in, sex acts you have committed or partaken in, joking or serious. while i am ok with jokes that are vaguely sexual or hold sexual connotations, please don’t reveal details or your personal sex or self-love life to me, even in joke form

anything pertaining to me and my sex life. there’s no need for you to know, and if i wanted to tell you, i would

starting an argument with a smut writer over what they will or will not write. everyone has different limits and boundaries, and some of these choices are shaped by very personal experiences that someone might not want to share, or things they cannot control - such as dysphoria, trauma, or mental illness. if someone’s limits or lack thereof are offensive to you, it is best that you simply block and move on instead of trying to incite an argument. 

this isn’t kink related, but most unrelated comments regarding your day/what you did. while it’s nice that you went out and got an iced coffee, i’m a lok writing blog. unless you relate it back to a headcanon you’re sharing with me, or a request you want me to complete, please don’t just tell me about your day (unless we are friends and talking on discord, lol)

[sometimesrosy]

1: Do you think it’s odd that C fell in love with L after she was not only responsible for Finn’s death, causing C to have to mercy-kill him, but also the reason C was forced to kill all those people in Mt Weather? I’m trying to understand their relationship and how it all worked. Her people were so angry at C for falling for L, but she wasn’t trying to betray them; it was innocent. And she chose her people in the end, right before L was killed. L’s made to be this great love for C. Is she?

(I’m answering your 1 and 2 separately because I think they are separate questions about two separate characters’ experiences with the same narrative element.)

Okay. So I didn’t understand in season 3 what all was going on with that and did a lot of work to understand how Clarke could so easily forgive and love L for what she did and what I came up with is two different interpretations one authorial (the Doylist explanation) and one in narrative (the Watsonian explanation.)

Before I start, no. I don’t think L was made to be this great love for C. I think the fandom fell in love with L for many decent reasons, and picked up on some archetypes in the story as a whole, and the traditional romantic tale of the warrior king and the captive princess, and they just really wanted that story, even deserved that story, so the fandom interpretation made The 100 INTO that story. 

I have rewatched the story looking for that great romance, and while there’s some hints of it, and it’s NOT subtextual (which is possibly why the LGBT community was so happy to get it since they are denied that in most of pop culture) the romance of C and L was for me far, FAR too political in nature for me to find it a great, passionate romance. It was all power games except for the episode with Pauna, if I must be honest. And their love scene, in which L had already sentenced her people to death and Clarke had already decided to go home and it was just two women outside of politics consummating their connection. That part didn’t bother me, it was lovely and a moment of peace. I didn’t love that they didn’t talk about anything important, that they COULDN’T, because for me, intimacy and a great love REQUIRES that kind of openness and honesty, at least for the moment. What I need to see in a romance wasn’t there for me. But I’m sure what other people need to see in a romance WAS. It is quite clear that a large portion of the shipping community LOVEloveLOVES the dynamic of powerful dominating warrior who kidnaps and falls for the warrior princess turned vulnerable maiden (witness the latest craze in Star Wars which is also something I *do not like.*) My distaste for that dynamic does not mean that others are wrong for loving that dynamic. I don’t have to get it. It’s not my preference to reconcile with my life and understanding. It’s theirs. Ship and let ship.

Okay, onto my understanding of what the heck was going on with CL in Polis after L betrayed and harmed her so terribly. The doylist interpretation, why they would write that story and what their intention is, is about themes and symbolism and the journey of the hero. No problem there. But my watsonian interpretation, about why Clarke, the character, would submit herself to that, is psychological, and has gotten me into major trouble. But I’m gonna say it anyway, so if you love Lxa and are offended by people looking at the dark side of the CL relationship please do not read.  I’ll put it under the jump, but for some reason that doesn’t work all the time, so when I warn you to stop reading please stop. Be a responsible consumer of the media. And if you choose to read it anyway, recognize that it was your choice and I gave you plenty of opportunity to not be offended, so don’t send me nasty anons please, because you accepted the risk to your sensibilities.

Allright. Doylist:

Clarke is the hero, and Lxa is Clarke’s shadow, her dark side. Her animus.The masculine version of herself who is a ruthless mass murderer willing to sacrifice anyone and anything for her goals. She has always had this side. Maybe her first kill, Atom, was one of mercy, but her second kill, the grounder holding her hostage was NOT. It was to get free and save her people. But Atom and the grounder guard were killed in the same way. Get close, distract with gentleness, then insert blade into jugular. Clarke’s shadow side is the one that allowed the bomb to drop on TonDC (notice she was egged on, if not bullied into it, by L.)  It was the same part of her that even contemplated killing all of MW to save her people. Her shadow betrays her allies for her own people. Clarke was unable to do it on her own until Bellamy helped her. Bellamy is a different kind of dark to her light, but with a similar symbolism, yin/yang, and kind of actually ends up being the light to her dark, which is a whole other symbolic journey that totally transforms the yin yang of CL into something healing seasons later and not what we’re talking about but if you can recognize that similarity to the archetypes there you can recognize what it is about that dynamic that people love so much.

Okay, so the whole point of having that shadow side for a hero is that the hero has to EMBRACE their shadow side in order to be a full identity. They need to stop resisting their darkness and encompass it in their selves, only then can they step into their full powers. I think this is considered Jungian analysis, if you want to read up on it. That’s where you get a lot of the archetypes and symbolism going. Also, you can see it in the Hero’s Journey by Joseph Campbell which builds on Jungian analysis to create a mythic journey we see in many archetypal tales.

Oh, also. Another doylist interpretation. Clarke in Polis is like Odysseus on Circe’s island. Odysseus stays with Circe and is enchanted with her, despite her turning his crew into pigs. He stays for years with her. All while Penelope is left behind to fend off suitors. So Clarke in Polis would be alluding to The Odyssey, a text that is OFTEN referenced on this show. Yes, that would make Bellamy Penelope. (does that mean the suitors are Pike and Kane as well as Gina and Echo? I think it might, actually.)

So why does Clarke fall for L after all that damage? My Doylist interpretation says because Clarke needed to embrace the shadow and because they were reinterpreting The Odyssey. L was Clarke’s shadow the way Circe was Odysseus’ shadow. Anima/Animus. Also, this embracing and acceptance of the shadow story continued on all the way until s5, and I think you can see it in the “be the good guys/maybe there are no good guys/there are no good guys/be the good guys” journey, which was NOT embraced until Clarke talked with flame Lxa and she said she was wrong, betrayal was wrong and love was not a weakness. Shortly after that, Clarke identified the good guy, and it was Bellamy. Then Monty told them to be the good guys and Clarke has not wavered since.

OKAY. Watsonian incoming. All CL and L faithful, please turn away.

okay, so it turns out that when i write about something that once got me harassed or made friends/fandom turn against me, I have to emotionally prepare for it. 

So here’s the thing. The 100 is about Clarke Griffin as the protagonist (and Bellamy Blake as the secondary protagonist,) and s3 is about TRAUMA. Trauma and recovery. Both Clarke and Bellamy are traumatized by MW and encounter a shadow self that represents who they COULD have been, if not for the presence of the other. Clarke could have been the tyrannical leader who thinks she is always right and Bellamy could have been the vengeful leader out to exterminate his enemies. Here you connect the symbolic shadow symbology to the psychological wounding of the trauma and recovery.

If you read Polis as Clarke’s mental journey, it starts to make sense. She lost it and became feral, L kidnapped her and dragged her to Polis. She imprisoned her and, through a series of positive and negative reinforcements (the carrot and the stick), gaslighting, and power games, she turned Clarke to her side and made her empathize with her captor and betrayer. She gave her a way to survive the trauma of what she’d done by telling her everyone does it, it’s okay. 

Why does she believe her? Because she is traumatized and she’s been isolated from her people in a dangerous place where only L keeps her safe. 

Why does she begin to empathize with L? Because this is a psychological phenomenon that is actually common when a person has been kidnapped, removed from their world, and forced to join the other side. We call it Stockholm Syndrome, and the most basic definition is when a kidnap victim begins to have feelings for and empathize with their kidnap victim.

It’s how you survive. And it’s not a thing that is just about Clarke. It turns out that it happened to a LOT of women in tribal times when one tribe would raid another and kidnap women to bring back as wives or slaves or what have you. 

The women who were kidnapped JOINED the kidnappers tribe, because what else could they do?

Anyway. Clarke is dealing with her dark traumatic experiences, L kidnaps her and draws her to her side, she empathizes with L, falls in love, psychologically accepts that her dark side is the right side to handle all this horror, and then returns to her people, not quite whole, but partly healed and limping along in her journey. 

Polis itself was part of the seduction. It was beautiful and comfortable and passionate and romantic and candlelit. A lot of the fandom saw the romance of the seduction and decided that meant the creators were saying that CL was beautiful and L was the new hero of the story, without noticing that it was Clarke’s unreliable narrator, traumatized POV that was clinging to that beauty so she didn’t have to face the pain of what she did, and her people. Shoot. No matter if some people, when getting confirmation from the writers that Polis was a dark psychological story for Clarke, then blamed the FANDOM for never noticing and saying that the only people who did were screaming “ABUSE!” and so were then clearly unreliable. Yes. They were talking about me. Because I TOLD them, personally, in a huge meta discussion, that it was a dark psychological journey and I laid it out for them, and they well. Turned on me, blocked me, ignored me, and then blamed me for them not understanding the damn story. I am still salty to this day. But then, they are no longer in the fandom.

Other people, CL fans, didn’t like that I said Clarke was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, but if you look it up, you’ll see she fits the definition. L literally kidnapped and imprisoned her and this is evident in narrative, dialogue and word of god. 

Why do we think that’s a romantic story? Because it is an old school, traditional romance tale of literal raiding warriors kidnapping women and bringing them back as wives. So romantic. It had to be, because otherwise the women suffering from trauma would not be able to survive. 

There are no more raiders in modern western society, but the story is imbedded in our collective unconscious and our archetypal stories.

I hate them.

Some people love them.

And the people who love them are immensely offended that the people who hate them recognize an abusive, oppressive and traumatic story within them. And then they send us hate anons and mock us for being abuse survivors and “irrational” and telling us “it’s just fiction, Janice.” and on and on and on. 

[sinceileftyoublog]

Pearl Charles Interview: A Portal to Yourself

BY JORDAN MAINZER

Like looking into its title object, Pearl Charles’ new album Magic Mirror follows external observations to internal reflection, the journey from feeling the sparkling lights of a city to instead finding something within yourself. Out Friday via Kanine Records, the album has an arc that follows a similar move in Charles’ life, from Los Angeles where she was born to the desert of Joshua Tree. Don’t let the sparkling piano lines of opener “Only For Tonight” fool you--at its heart, Magic Mirror is very much a spacious and cosmically insular album, exploring the infinity of intrinsic motivations buoyed by artistic influences and inspirations. Throughout, Charles doesn’t pretend to know the answers but poses important questions nonetheless: Is having a creative identity really you, or just a persona? Who remembers us after we leave the earthly realm? Is love truly the end-all powerful entity we think it to be? Notably, she stylistically harks back to other pop singers and songwriters who have wondered the same things, from the longing nostalgia of ABBA to the breezy psychedelia of Todd Rundgren. 

Last month, I spoke to Charles over the phone from her new home in Landers where she and hey boyfriend and bandmate Michael Rault have just moved and are starting to build up into a studio. We talked about the different genres Magic Mirror encapsulates, the role weed and psychedelics play in Charles’ creative process, and why she doesn’t sleep on planes. Read the interview, edited for length and clarity, below.

Since I Left You: What about Magic Mirror is unique to you as compared to anything else you’ve released?

Pearl Charles: I think there are a couple specific points that are different. One, I used my band that I use on the road on this record. There were some members of my road band on the last record, but I used a lot of session musicians. I used some session musicians here, too, but overall, I feel like this band was my band for the last record’s tour cycle. We toured really hard on that last record. They really got to know me, and we got to work on the songs before we made a bunch of different demos and practice them live. We got to workshop them and figured out how they worked best. I also got to play them the type of music I love, and we really got to know each other, musically and as friends. Those guys really got me, and this record is very personal. Having those people who spent time with the material also spend time with me really comes across in the record. I feel like we achieved that.

SILY: It’s really stylistically diverse. Did you know going into the writing process the different aesthetics you wanted to explore, or did they come naturally?

PC: A little bit of both. Some of the songs were written really organically, and I didn’t know how they’d end up sounding. But I wrote a few songs with the producer [Lewis Pesacov], and at that point in the cycle, we already had a style that was emerging and revealing itself. So then we could ask, “What don’t we have that we can include, and what’s the theme, so that we can figure out what’s already there and how we can expand on that?” It’s diverse, but it’s music I love. I have diverse taste, and the music reflected that.

SILY: You’ve mentioned ABBA as an influence on the opening track “Only For Tonight”, and I definitely heard that as soon as it started. It’s a pretty bold move for an opening track!

PC: That was the first song we sat down to record, besides “Sweet Sunshine Wine” which was recorded separately to be released as a single last year, which we included on this record because it never got a vinyl release. You start thinking about the record sequence in your mind in the order of when you recorded things. And then you go back and kind of lose that order, a little bit. But since we started with it, it felt like such a big opener. And the story of the record is chronological: It starts out with that side of the story. It made sense to open up with going out on the town and having one-night stands, which turns into the reflection that comes later in the album and the following processes that occur.

SILY: The chronology stands out for sure. For instance, it’s immediately apparent that “Don’t Feel Like Myself” answers the questions and builds off the themes from “Imposter”. Were you trying to have the songs converse with each other?

PC: Not necessarily intentionally from when I was writing them, but I think they do that naturally because that’s what was going on with me in this process. It’s all tied together with my emotions. I’m very autobiographical in my writing, so the songs are definitely about what I’m experiencing. Another thing different from this record to the last record is that while the last record had a little introspection, it was more about what was happening to me in the external world. This album, I kind of focused more about how I was feeling about the things that were happening [in] me.

SILY: “Imposter” poses a key question that seems to be posed throughout the record, one about fostering a creative identity. Do you feel like you’ve done that on Magic Mirror just by presenting your different artistic inspirations?

PC: Yeah! I think so. I think it’s a lifelong pursuit of questioning the self, and the album is one step of that journey, but it is reflective of all of the things I was feeling at the time and the music I was listening to and what I was inspired by and continue to be inspired by, whether that’s music, spirituality, or literature.

SILY: So “Imposter” was written on mushrooms, and the title track has a weed reference. There’s also the line on the title track, “I keep trippin’ into you.” Am I reading into it or is that a double meaning, too?

PC: It’s totally a double meaning. They’re there throughout, and even on my last record, Sleepless Dreamer. That title means a lot of different things. [laughs] Also on “Only For Tonight”, the line “Sparkle fading, strung out on the town / Thought we were falling, we were just coming down.” Yes. You’re not mistaken. Those are all thinly veiled drug references. I mean, hey, I’m a rock ‘n’ roller. What can I say? [laughs] I definitely am a stoner. I smoke a lot of weed and I love psychedelics. They can be so inspiring and therapeutic and good for creativity. And for self-reflection. That’s really what I’m about. That’s why I love writing songs. It’s a great tool for that if you want to use it that way.

SILY: When writing “Slipping Away”, you were high in a different way, on a plane! When you fly, do you tend to reflect? You don’t just fall asleep on the plane?

PC: In this world, there’s so much distraction. Being on the plane, I suppose you can get internet now if you pay for it, and you can choose to be connected, but it’s one of the last experiences where you can disconnect and go into your thoughts without tons of distractions. I also think a lot when I’m driving, and I know I’m actually the one driving the car and have to be focused on that, but it gives me a good opportunity to clear my head. I’m not looking at my phone, and I think that’s so crucial. Patti Smith said something about living in New York and taking the subway, and in that time, she would come up with a lot of her ideas because she’d let her mind wander. We live in a world where letting our mind wander is kind of a rarity. We’ve allowed ourselves to constantly fill the void because looking into the void can be scary. But that’s where the creativity is. It’s a beautiful thing even though it’s overwhelming.

SILY: When you find yourself looking into the void, do you ever have anything on in the background, like music?

PC: It depends. I’m a huge music freak. But if I’m writing, I need to be in my own zone. If I’m sitting back and reflecting, I love listening to music. It’s so emotional for me and can bring up and create all sorts of feelings.

SILY: The back half of the record seems to have a lot of unique arrangements and instrumentation. You mentioned “All The Way” is inspired by Todd Rundgren. The guitars really reminded me of George Harrison. Are you a big Beatles fan?

PC: I’m a super huge solo Beatles fan. I love The Beatles, too, but Wings is one of my favorite bands ever, and I love the George solo stuff. And I love the John solo stuff! And you know what? I even love Ringo’s solo stuff. Sue me, what can I say! I love the Traveling Wilburys, I love it all. I love 70′s sounds, styles, and instrumentation. I also think Todd Rundgren kind of reminds me of Carole King.

SILY: “Take Your Time” seems to be the most vocal-forward track on the record. How do you approach your voice in the mix of these songs in terms of how up front you want it to be?

PC: That’s a really hard decision. I feel like it’s a fine line whether you want to be a part of the band or whether you want to sit up front. I don’t really love to cloak my voice in reverb, because my voice and what I’m saying is the focal point of the songs. But it’s definitely a balance, and it’s more modern to put it more forward.

SILY: I think I can tell why you wanted to close the record with “As Long As You’re Mine”. On the surface, you might read the lyrical formula [“[insert world problem] doesn’t matter as long as you’re mine”] as apathetic, but looking closer, it comes across as “It doesn’t matter” not because these things don’t affect people with varying degrees of severity, but because the power of friendship and love can overcome. Can you talk about that theme and how you’ve come to terms with it?

PC: I wrote that song pre-pandemic, so there was no predicting how much worse things were gonna get. It’s a little tongue-in-cheek. Despite the fact that there are hard times now and in the future. Hopefully there’s some hope and positivity coming forward. “Times are gonna be tough, but we can get through it together,” is the point, but coming at it with a little bit of...what’s the word I’m looking for?

SILY: Facetiousness?

PC: Yeah, exactly. I wrote the song with my producer, who said, “Write a positive song!” and that’s what I came up with. My manager, I remember when we wrote it, I remember there was a fire happening, before all the fires this year, and he was like, “I don’t know, is this gonna offend people?” The whole thing has the potential to offend people if they’re gonna be offended by it, but it’s half a joke and half serious. It’s pointing out the fact that there are a lot of problems in the world that can be fixed, not to make light of them.

SILY: What’s the story behind the album art?

PC: I knew I wanted my friend Dana Trippe to do it. Sydney Costley did the hair and makeup. I found an image I really loved but didn’t know how to get in touch with the artist or license it for the cover. I told Dana the inspiration, that it was a portal with an archway where the outside was a blue sky and clouds and the inside a night sky with a shooting star. The album name came to me in a dream. I led it lead me where it wanted to go. The idea of a magic mirror as a portal to one’s self, through self-reflection or with psychedelics. It really made sense to me, and the image spoke to me, so we went for something cloud-oriented.

SILY: You’ve done some livestreams. How did you adapt these songs to a live performance?

PC: It’s been really hard because of COVID to balance when is safe to play music with people and when isn’t. We all wear masks except for me. It’s hard to translate the album because it’s a layered record. I really like this version of it because we're still able to have a 5-piece band with pedal steel, electric guitar, neon acoustic guitar, and bass and drums. The one thing we’re missing is keys, and the record is a keys-heavy record, but it’s fun to do this cosmic country version of the band that sounds like the Dead. It feels really good to play that rootsy, dirt in your veins kind of stuff in the desert.

SILY: The pedal steel for sure stood out to me on the record because it was juxtaposed with keys in a way you normally don’t hear them together.

PC: I love including it whenever I can. Michael [Rault], my boyfriend, plays guitar, and Catfish [Connor Gallaher], plays steel, including on the record. They’re both great at what they do. Getting to see them is a pleasure.

SILY: Have you thought about doing any socially distant live shows?

PC: I feel a little weird about ticket prices. Music should be accessible, and not only for the people that can afford a private show. It’s a weird time, for sure. I miss playing live and playing new music for people.

SILY: What else is next for you?

PC: I’m gonna do a side project band with my boyfriend, and because the record was finished pre-pandemic, I had the whole pandemic to write a bunch of new material. I’m ready to go with new songs, so hopefully they’ll be coming shortly thereafter.

SILY: What have you been listening to, watching, and reading lately?

PC: I’ve been listening to a lot of Mixcloud playlists. We finally got HBO Max, and it seems like they have a lot of really good content, like true crime, the Heaven’s Gate documentary about that cult. I’m really into cults. I love to go to the library and just returned Journey To The East by Herman Hesse, a book about Fleetwood Mac, which goes through all eras of the band, before Rumours, the Peter Green era, the Bob Welch era. There are so many different incarnations, and they’re all amazing. Fleetwood Mac is one of the best bands of all time, and I like to read rock books. Just keepin’ busy.

[apothecarywormcrud]

11 and 13 for Masato? 👀 i wanna say all of them for Masato but.

oh i am DOING all of them i wanna talk about masato

or. well. most of them. 

1. Does your insert have a name that’s different from yours? Does the name reflect their character in any way, or is it just because it sounds nice? How did you come up with it?

I’ve talked about this before, but Masato’s name is very specifically spelled 眞人, (the kanji for “real” and “human,” respectively.) I sorta knew from the start that I wanted to give them a name with 人 in it; something deliberately ironic, because Mayuri is a dick who loves a bad joke. 

(It’s a particularly cruel joke in the context of Masato’s original backstory, where they were meant to be an experiment in what happens when you let someone think they’re a real person and then strip that assumption away. But I wanted to give them sick powers, so that was shunted to the sidelines.) 

2. Does your insert have a very strong relationship with a f/o, maybe more than one? 

I talk about Szayel enough on here so I’m gonna talk about Nnoitra instead. In my version of canon, his mask is cracked open by Kenpachi, reducing him to a state similar to Nel’s. (That’s karmic retribution, bitch!) Suffice to say he’s pretty upset about this, and proceeds to skulk about Las Noches refusing to let anyone see him until Szayel gets back to fix things. 

Masato meets him by chance when their powers are still sealed up post-jailbreak (this one’s seal 2: electric boogaloo) and is all like, what’s with this sassy lost pre-teen? Eventually they become sparring partners, since while Nnoitra’s regaining his powers, Masato is the only person in Las Noches capable of fighting at such a low level; and once he’s got them back, they can go hog-wild without worrying about fucking him up too much. Their relationship doesn’t have the same...belligerent romantic tension that Masato and Szayel’s does, but Nnoitra is fond of Masato, even if he’s horrible at admitting it. They’re friends and they suck! 

More abt. Nnoitra actually bc I love this song: nerfing him puts him in a position where he’s forced to rely on other people, and despite feeling totally worthless and vulnerable and having to undergo the humiliation of being protected, there’s also the experience of being told, “So what if you don’t have any power? That doesn’t make me respect you any less.” So he has the opportunity to build his self-worth back up based on something less subjective, and now he can actually interact with other people on the same level, which is great news for Tesla, who gets to strengthen his spine and be truly up front about his feelings, because Nnoitra no longer has any power over him. 

I think, for relationships like these, finding a level playing field is super important! And I’ve always been fascinated by characters who develop in opposition to one another and eventually meet in the middle. Masato and Szayel are also that way, in that they round out some of his edges, and he sharpens some of theirs, and the actual feelings proper don’t start developing until a ways in, and they’re not even admitted until post-canon, because in order to even consider that sort of relationship, the two of them have to come to respect each other first. Enemies-to-lovers is a fucking ART. 

3. Who in their canon are they closest to? 

Kurosaki fam and by extension, Ichigo’s friends. Masato has commissioned at least one custom jacket from Uryu. Also Arrancar Squad and my friend Percy’s insert Juro, who’s a creepy little goth weirdo and a visored.  

4. Does your insert have a backstory? Tell us about it! How does their backstory, if any, define who they are? 

Masato is a mod-soul based off of Mayuri’s quincy research. They’re designed to passively absorb reishi until at max capacity (which is quite large), at which point they can be forcefully “detonated,” destroying them in the process and causing a significant amount of damage to the surrounding area as the stored reishi is released. As a weapon, they’re highly experimental—meant as a last resort rather than something put to regular use. 

Mayuri dumped them in the human world, where their reishi absorption wouldn’t negatively impact the Seireitei, and planned to let them simmer there for about ten years. There’s a seal incorporated into their gigai that not only blocks them from accessing the reishi inside of them, but prevents any outside force (such as hollows) from sensing it. 

Once they become aware of what they are, Masato gets big anxious about anything that implies they’re not a real person. I’d love to salvage Kon’s original personality from before he was relegated to pervy comic relief because I think there’s the potential for some interesting interactions there. 

5. Does your insert have any magical talents or otherwise special abilities? 

Passive reishi absorption, and after Uruhara modifies their gigai so they can access their power reserves, they can vent it from their body and use the force to blast themselves around or add more power to their blows. Their body is about as resilient as a normal human’s, but the only way they can truly “die” is if their soul candy is crushed, which means that injuries that would normally be fatal are just excruciatingly painful. This definitely isn’t just an excuse for me to fuck them up beyond all belief. 

Due to Szayel’s tinkering, they eventually end up as what’s effectively an artificial Quincy. 

6. Do they fight? What’s their weapon of choice? What’s the motivation for them to fight, or to stay OUT of a fight?

They prefer not to fight if they can avoid it, but if shit gets real then they won’t hesitate, bitch. They’re reasonably proficient with a blade after several years of kendo training, and like to bring a practice sword into dangerous situations. It’s not going to do much good against the likes of shinigami or hollows, but it makes them feel more secure, and it’s a good misdirection tactic. 

Due to the whole “functionally unkillable” thing, they’re also far more likely to take risks in battle, and have a tendency to rush in without thinking when one of their comrades is hurt. 

7. What kind of clothing style do they like? What would they never be caught dead wearing? 

It’s all cropped jackets and harem pants up in this bitch. I drew them in that sort of outfit once and now it’s all I give them. They don’t particularly care for their arrancar clothes, but it makes them less conspicuous and also, Szayel insisted on it. Can’t have your prized experiment running around looking like some sort of ragamuffin, after all. I keep meaning to write something where they visit Sastre for a fitting, because what good is having other arrancar OCs if I don’t do anything with them? 

8. How do they fit into their canon world?

A side character who tags along with the main cast but ultimately doesn’t impact events too much. They have their own wholly separate plot going for them and it involves self-actualization and kissing arrancar. 

9. Their favorite foods? Colors? Activities? What do they enjoy in life? 

Kendo, gardening, bike rides through the countryside.

11. How easy is it to make your insert angry? Sad? How easy is it to twist their emotions into negative things? 

Masato’s actually pretty difficult to rile up, unless you’re pushing some Very Specific buttons (personhood is the big one), at which point they become incredibly easy to mess with. Szayel is...uncomfortably good at making them upset. 

13. What are your insert’s goals? 

Up to a certain point, they were happy to live a normal life and protect the people around them when called for. Then they wind up back in Mayuri’s lab and proceed to jailbreak Szayelaporro, retreat to Hueco Mundo, and strike a deal with him in order to gain more power and get mutual revenge on Mayuri. 

Post-canon...they start coming to terms with the fact that their body will never age and grow like a normal human’s, and that if/when they die, their soul will effectively be destroyed, and they decide, hey, fuck that shit, actually, and do a bunch of crazy science until they’ve got that shit sorted out (ultimately becoming like Nemu, if not something that improves on her design). 

14. Does your insert have any family relations? 

Isshin was the one who found them shortly after they were dumped on Earth, and kept them around for a number of reasons (the majority of which involved his Soul Reaper Senses tingling). So Masato’s got what’s effectively an adoptive dad and three younger siblings, who they dote on and bully interchangeably (and whose last name they may or may not have borrowed) (Isshin insisted on it, actually, since it’d make the documentation easier). They have temporary solidarity with Yuzu over not being able to see spirits. 

Mayuri is....arguably family but also like, fuck that. Masato does consider Nemu to be something like a sister, though, and feels particularly protective of her the more they interact. They have just as much a desire to help Nemu escape Mayuri’s influence as they do themselves. 

15. Does your insert have any enemies? What’s that dynamic like? Why are they enemies? Did they ever get along in the past? Is patching up differences out of the question for the future?

Fuck Mayuri me and my homies all hate Mayuri. I shouldn’t really need to explain this one. He treats Masato solely as an experiment and tool for his use. Unlike with Nemu, the fact that Masato is developing on their own is more of an inconvenience than anything, and before they broke out with Szayel, Mayuri was fully intending to wipe their memories and start over from square one. There is some good news, however, which is that Masato does get their revenge and uses their shiny new Quincy powers to seal up Mayuri’s reishi and get him kicked out of the captain’s seat. 

Szayel starts off as an enemy, since you can’t really have an enemies-to-lovers plot without one. He’s done some pretty atrocious things to Masato, but he treats them significantly more like a person than Mayuri ever did. Masato has very little respect for him, and the only reason they start working with him to begin with is because he represents a means to an end. Of course, the more time they spend together, the more tolerant they become of each other...among other things. 

[ladykf-writes]

Fanfic Writer Appreciation (and a little self love)

Sooooo, as talked about I wanted to do a little promo. I may not always be my favorite writer, but I try to be one of my cheerleaders. And well, if you’re here you obviously have some interest in what I’m up to.

SO! Here’s a list of my currently-published WIPs and some info about them, in the order that I’ve updated them, most recent to oldest. 

Feel free to ask questions about any of them!

Dog Whistle (Ao3 || FFN) - started off as a prompt from @snackarey​ when I reblogged some Soulmate AUs. This one was a prompt for soulmates (Zack/Kunsel) who felt what each other felt - like pain. Needless to say, this went into a canon divergent AU where Kunsel felt some of what Zack was going through when Hojo got a hold of him after Nibelheim. And saved him, setting off an ever-increasing list of revolutionary consequences. It’s nearly 58K, and though I’m a little stuck I’m looking forward to seeing where it goes.

Dewprism: Journey to the [Relic] (Ao3 || FFN) - this actually has a lot more written than I’ve posted, I just got a little frustrated because well... the fandom is teeny tiny and there’s no real feedback. But! It’s an interesting piece. It’s a semi-novelization where I’m taking the old PS1 Classic from Squaresoft, Threads of Fate/Dewprism and merging the two storylines. Basically... you can’t play the game anymore unless you got it from the PSN for your PSP or... PS2, I think? Or emulate it, of course, you can do that. And I wanted to bring the experience to more people, because it’s got such a great story.

It’s Not a Game (Ao3 || FFN) - this is my Avengers/FF7 crossover, and funny story, it was actually born out of a comment back on my old Genesis RP blog about how Genesis would totally be Tony Stark’s favorite character if he played Crisis Core. It’s turned into a full blown fixit I have a type and I actually have like, 90% of the next chapter done, it just doesn’t feel quite right so I haven’t posted it. And am, of course, stuck. There’s a case of choice paralysis here; the premise is that, in the MCU, FF7 is a series like it is in our world, and Tony is a fan. So he goes to make a simulation to do a self-insert... only he somehow transports himself (and Bruce) to a dimension where it’s real. A “Stark-insert” someone called it; and it does use a lot of “Self-Insert” tropes, actually. There’s just so many ways it could go that I’m stuck on choosing exactly how to progress here.

Party of Five (Ao3 || FFN) - the MMO AU! This was actually originally a prompt @up-sideand-down​ got, that I got permission to take off with. It’s a modern AU AGSZC where they meet online playing this MMO I made up that’s based off of FF7 and modeled after a mashup of like, me studying WoW and my experiences playing SWTOR. I’ve actually got some ideas of where it’s going, I just got too caught up in technicalities and need to reroute it back to the relationships going on.

Welcome to FF7 (series link, Ao3) - this is me hashing out basically what I think went down pre-games. Most of it is headcanon, I cannot stress that enough. It’s based off of the little we know, of course, but there’s just so much we don’t that it’s mostly headcanon. Tons of OCs. It’s a whole series, and they overlap - different sections that follow different departments, mostly. The base story is Welcome to ShinRa (Ao3 || FFN) and that follows the man who will become President Shinra from back when they first discover mako energy. I’ve also got Welcome to the Science Department (Ao3 || FFN) which starts off with college students Gast and Grimoire and how they get drawn into the beginnings of what becomes ShinRa Electric.

And last but not least, honorable mention to Times of Change (Ao3) - this was actually a piece inspired by @deadcatwithaflamethrower‘s Re-Entry series. I desperately need to reread that before I can hope to continue this, but... one day. One day.... I don’t suggest reading it right now, my headcanons have changed and it needs an overhaul. But you’ll see eventually.

And now... the WIPs you haven’t seen. (Under a cut)

By fandom, just to keep things straight, but in no particular order otherwise.

Compilation of FF7

The Snowball Effect (Ao3 || FFN) ... sequel? continuation? - as one of the gift exchange presents I’ve just done this past month, it is definitely standalone as is, but if I ever figure out where I want to take it, I’ll continue that one. It was just far too much fun.

The Price of Freedom - the sequel to To Be Human, which... I’m looking forward to, but I really burnt myself out on TBH so it’s going to be longer than anticipated before I approach this one. TBH definitely stands on its own, but there were some loose ends left to tie up, so we’ll see how that goes. And when it goes, when I’m ready to approach that again. TBH needs some editing, too... lots of work there.

The Unnamed Pokemon/FF7 crossover that I’ve talked about for... a couple years now (yikes) but now actually have a plot for. It’s very interesting to me, putting Pokemon on Gaia, and seeing how that changes everything. Because like, they’d have presumably used Mew’s DNA since there’s no Jenova (I can’t see them using Deoxys, which would be the closer parallel) and since there’s no Chaos, Grimoire is still alive. Which means no extra Drama between Lucrecia and Vincent - and really, there shouldn’t be the stress between Vincent and Hojo over her being sick because Mew would theoretically be much more compatible with humans than Jenova was.

What I’m saying is Seph has three parents and at least one set of grandparents and a much more stable Sephiroth (and Genesis and Angeal, thanks to Lucrecia teaming up with Gillian) leads to some very interesting changes. Like deciding they don’t want to fight the Wutai war anymore. >_>

Hold My Flower - a timetravel fic featuring our one and only flowergirl, who has had enough of people messing up her planet and refuses to just... let it die. She is, unquestionably, a force of nature. No fragile flower to be found here, this is the gal you see in the OG who threatened a mob boss and meant it. Heaven help anyone who gets in her way. She’s going to save the world. Possibly in a Turk Suit, don’t look at me.

The Long Game - Reeve goes back in time, and holy crap this one is a monster I am truly intimidated by so it’s gonna take a while for me to get going on that. XD But basically, similar premise to the above - the world isn’t healing and someone has to do something, so Reeve is nominated due to his position in ShinRa and potential to... he’d say “influence” but let’s call a spade a spade - manipulate people and events to a more favorable outcome.

A third BIT fic is one that I started writing with my friend @askshivanulegacy back in... damn, somewhere between 2011-2013, before we switched to writing SWTOR fic together. It’s one where Zack is sent back in time, and the differences in him post-Hojo change things even before he can start deliberately changing anything. But I got permission to take and remake that, so I intend to, one day. It was Good Stuff. And you can never have too much timetravel.

Dragon Ball Z

So, this is an oooooold fandom of mine - the first fanfics I ever wrote (under a different name, no I’m not telling XD it was ten years ago) were for DBZ, and definitely the first ones I ever read, back in the days of dial up. And I read a couple interesting takes on Chichi/Vegeta fic... and I was talking with @vorpalgirl about it and said I’d love to try my hand at something with that one day. I think they have the potential to be a really great pair (don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the canon pairings but those two have a lot of potential) so... yeah someday I might dip my toes back into Z. It’s on the wishlist, as well as reviving and cleaning up an old unfinished work of mine. Someday~

Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Seven Years Lost - this one I’ve been debating a long time, and even did a little on! It’s basically how I rationalize what happens when Link pulls the Master Sword out and - well, spoilers but it’s a really old game so - when he comes out as a teenager and is immediately able to handle a nearly-adult body. It involves a dreamscape scenario where he communicates with his past incarnations and learns from them, and from sharing dreams with Zelda due to their bond.

Sailor Moon (manga/Crystal based)

Second Chances - I read a lot of SM fanfic back in the day, and my favorite ones were... more real? Like, there were more consequences to these 14 year old kids out there fighting for their lives and sometimes losing them. I’d like to tell a story through Minako/Venus’ eyes primarily, covering what that’s like, and then I also just really want a happy ending for the senshi/shittenou? So... yay canon divergence, lol. You guys know the deal by now. XD

Star Wars: Legends Era

United We Stand - SWTOR fanfic, baby! Basically, I’m just dying to see the eight classes cross over each other, and I will bend canon to do it. For anyone that’s played the original class story lines, there is some cross over but believe me when I say there were huge opportunities that were let drop by nature of the game. Just with the two Jedi stories alone... but that’s #spoilers for a not-as-old game so I’ll leave that be and only elaborate if asked.

(And do feel free to ask about any of these! I’d love to hash them out more.)

[lalaurelia]

Fanfic Ask Game

Was tagged by @stardustloki for the Fanfic Ask Game – thanks so much! This is fun :)

Okay, here goes.

At what age did you start writing fanfiction? 

I believe that first attempts at what could be classified as fanfic were made when I was around 12? I was a big fan of Indiana Jones and his hat and I also watched Romancing the Stone and c’mon, I had to attempt something XD It was basically self-insert into those worlds and I never moved past a few paragraphs, having no idea where to take the story. After that I only attempted writing fics sporadically and was convinced I had no talent for it.

Who is your favorite author?

Oh good, picking faves. Seriously, it’s like asking a child whom they love best, Mum or Dad XD I can’t pick one, so I’ll list those I consider important to me.

Harry Harrison. Action, adventure, space – and a lot of irony, a lot of humanism, and characters who are smart and resourceful. I love his books.

Kir Bulychev. Grew up on his Alice books. Adventure and space, yay! Similar to Harrison in a lot of ways, same with irony and humanism, but more of a young adult genre? I still have some book series by him I haven’t read.

Lois McMaster Bujold. Space, adventure, political intrigue, a character who is smart and resourceful and charming as all hell. You have no idea how much pleasure her Vorkosigan saga brought me. Her fantasy series are also to die for – and I gotta catch up. Oh, and of course, I love her witty style.

I see a pattern here, yeah XD

Favorite type of scene to write?

Dialogue. No, not like this. DIALOGUE. Witty banter, or things that are difficult to say, or things the character wants to say but doesn’t, and the stuff that goes on in their head during all this. Minute body language details they notice or give out.

Also, if you guys read my stuff, you probably noticed that I write a lot of kissing and explicit scenes. So yeah, those are my favourite as well. First, I want my characters to receive love and affection. Second, physical intimacy can tell more than words sometimes.

What is your favorite fanfic?

What, just one? XDDD Okay, okay. Blooded Crown by astolat. I finished reading all that she had posted about Harry and Draco and was hungry for more, and there it was, a new story~ Nevermind I never played the Witcher games or read the books, I knew bits and bits, and that was enough. The story was so good. Intrigue! Steamy scenes! Action! God, I love this story, and it inspires me to this day.

What tags do you avoid like the plague?

The ones with my NOTP. I don’t even want to write it with a * because people still find it and get offended for some reason as if someone disliking it takes away from their enjoyment. The dynamic between the green bean and Oswald is extremely abusive and I just don’t want to deal with that kind of negativity, okay.

If it’s for fic tags... I’m vary of Character Death and Death fic in general. But if I know the author and trust them, I will read a story like that.

What AU do you wish to write but feel like you won’t manage?

I have this WWII AU story in mind, and it’s not even a big story, but... I feel that if I want to make it believable I would have to do a lot of research, and it scares me. It’s not an easy topic for me. I will attempt it at some point, definitely... it’s just right now it’s still daunting and fills me with doubts.

What has been your favorite story to write so far? 

Why do you make me choose between my babies T_T Okay, okay. It’s got to be Lost in the Rain. It’s a case fic. I love case fic. It also has me experimenting with slow burn and conflicts. I’m pretty proud of how it all came together too. I look back on it, and maybe there are parts I could’ve handled differently, but - still very happy with it. And I want to write another case fic one day.

Oh, and I’m certainly enjoying my current WIP.

Do you prefer to write one-shots or multi-chapters? Why?

Oh, it really depends on the story. Some stories just come to me as is, as stand-alones. Some want to be told in more detail. I guess I have a love-hate relationship with multi-chapters? I feel I can pace myself better in those, but if I don’t have a clear idea of a plot, I tend to flounder until I find something. Sometimes it takes time. Like half a year :/ Yeah, I’m still in shock it took me this long to update Imagination Infection.

What is your favorite kind of comment?

Oh god. All of them? Yes. Keysmash, telling me what you were doing while reading, which parts you liked, which got you curious, or just an emoji. I put those stories out there hoping someone would read them and hopefully enjoy them. A comment shows me you did and it totally makes my day - or several. When I’m feeling down, I reread comments to my works and they never fail to brighten my mood.

Authors thrive on comments. I am by no means an exception XD

Why did you start writing fanfiction? Why are you still writing it?

This one will be specifically Gobblepot, because before it I thought I had no skill or talent. So. When I came into the fandom, there seemed to be some kind of a lull in things? At least for Gobblepot tag in general. Situations like these always galvanize me, and I also itched to write more about Jim and Oswald, who were both so complex and intriguing, and somehow fit every kind of an idea I got and made it better. I wanted to explore them and challenge myself as well, trying different kinds of stories. So I continue to do it. I still have stories I want to tell about these two. I still have many challenges to overcome. And it brings me joy to do - and hopefully to people who read my stuff as well.

Tagging, if you want to give this a go - @sunlitroom, @yugin-the-great, @butterfliesandresistance, @fandomfourever, @ladyspock7, and anyone else who sees this and wants to do it.

[thegizka]

Flower Stains (fic)

Ino finds a new purpose for dying flowers while reflecting on her life with Sai.

Written for Ino Week 2019 Day 2:  Flowers.

Read it on Ao3.

Ino selected a large, deep red rose from the pile of blooms on the table.  The petals were beginning to crumple in on themselves, but they still felt velvety between her fingers.  The stem was strong and smooth save for the large fin-shaped thorns.  She held the flower to her face and breathed in.  She wanted to experience it before destroying it further, to enjoy the blossom in its final glory and preserve its near perfection for a moment longer.  The scent was strong and delicate simultaneously, telling a story of sun and earth and reaching for the sky.  The petals kissed her cheeks, and she wanted to bury herself in their softness.  It seemed a shame to destroy such a beautiful thing, but its death would birth a more lasting beauty.

She began pulling the petals off the rose one at a time, careful not to maul the pistil or stamen at its center or rip apart the sepal that cradled the bloom.  She placed the plucked petals on a strip of dry cotton fabric, giving each one a space of its own until they drew dark constellations on the cloth.  She dropped the rest of the flower, now naked and awkward, in a bin at her feet that already played host to a dozen other shorn blooms.  She kicked the receptacle under the table and pushed the petal-strewn fabric towards the bay of windows before settling more comfortably on the stool she was using.

Ino paused for a moment to rub her belly.  She could feel her baby moving within her.  Her due date wasn’t for a few months yet, but the pregnancy was evident in her form and her feelings.  She opted more and more for loose sweaters and maxi skirts than her usual crop top and hip-hugging attire.  She was at times emotional and in moments reserved.  It was strange to both see and feel how this child was already changing her, taking her person and reshaping her in preparation for their future together.

She smiled and began to hum softly, pulling another cloth of petals towards her.  These had been from red poppies, but the petals were shriveled and dry, nearly crumbling as she moved them to a mortar.  She folded the cotton strip and placed it on a pile of similar fabrics at the corner of the table.  She would wash them in the next load of laundry from the flower shop.  Then she took up her pestle and began grinding it into the petals, firm and slow, watching as they cracked and tore under her ministrations.

Ino didn’t mind this work.  Warm sunlight flooded the table from the windows and guided her hands as they destroyed the petals, taking away their beauty to give it to something else.  Rarely did she have time to sit and think like this as she worked, to take her time and enjoy the experience of her body interacting with the environment.  Her life was normally full of one task after another, a neverending rush of things to get done.  As her pregnancy progressed and morning sickness gave way to aching joints and swollen feet, she had modified many of her duties.  More often her relatives would come to her with clan concerns rather than she go to them.  She took over desk duties at the hospital so the other nurses could assist Tsunade with patient care.  She had temporarily suspended her involvement with the intel division to eliminate the stresses of interrogation.  She only spent a day or two helping her mother in the flower shop each week.

Sai had stepped up to help where he could.  He was her representative during Yamanaka clan meetings.  He kept her updated with the latest intel.  He was even helping out more with the flower shop.  Normally missions kept him away a few days every other week, but Ino had insisted he cut back until after the baby.

She set aside the pestle, gently brushing the petal powder back into the mortar before she stood and turned on the hot plate under the small kettle they now kept in their shed-turned-studio.  She selected a small glass jar from a collection on one of the shelves and carefully poured the ground petals into it.  She also grabbed two mugs and measured some tea into homemade tea bags from one of the tins on another shelf.  Then she settled onto her stool again, rubbing her belly absent-mindedly as she waited for the kettle to boil.

She was glad to have Sai around more, though even when he was away on missions, she never felt totally alone.  Her mother liked to help with little chores or cooking dinner.  The other kunoichi were eager to drop by and fill her in on life in the village.  Kurenai would bring Mirai over and they would tend to the garden together.  Shikamaru and Chouji were regular visitors, too, often wandering unannounced into her living room to hang out like they used to as kids.  Shikamaru insisted on accompanying her to and from appointments when Sai was away, no matter how strongly she protested.  She suspected it was a holdover from Kurenai’s pregnancy reawakened by his own anxiety over Temari.  His wife was due to give birth any day now, and his hovering was driving her crazy.  Both kunoichi hoped he would calm down once his child was born.

She smiled to herself as she poured boiling water from the kettle into the jar with the poppy blossom powder, just enough to saturate the crushed petals.  Sai and Shikamaru could be incredibly different, but they were both very dear to her.  She was glad her husband didn’t hover like her friend.  Sai preferred to process much of her pregnancy in quiet observation, sometimes asking questions, but often waiting for her to invite him to be more involved.  To another woman, he might seem distant, but she understood that he was unsure of himself and his emotions in this new situation.  Instead, she found comfort in his quiet and gentleness in his love.  This was new for both of them, and she didn’t mind if they took their time figuring out parenthood together.

That was ultimately why she had asked him to limit his time on missions.  She had grown attuned to when he might get overwhelmed emotionally, and as the due date approached, she wanted to make sure he had enough time to work through what this new addition to their lives would mean for their family.  It was something she wanted to work through with him because she wasn’t sure, either.  She felt the baby kick as she moved the jar of poppy mix nearer the windows next to the rose petals she was drying.  The baby wasn’t just reshaping her, but Sai as well.  She was both nervous and excited to see what that would mean for both of them.

She wasn’t worried about whether her husband would be a good father.  She knew he would be fine, just as she knew the water in the kettle had cooled enough to brew the tea without scorching the herbs.His instincts, when he allowed himself to listen to them, were usually correct.  He was also reading every parenting manual he could get his hands on.  She didn’t tease him too much about it since she understood he felt more comfortable when he knew as much as he could, but both of them were smart enough to recognize there were elements of parenthood that no amount of studying would prepare them for.  She wished her father were here so Sai would have someone to turn to for advice--and so their child could meet him.

She grabbed another jar on the table.  It contained a dark yellow mix of daffodil petals and water.  She placed it beside a smaller empty jar while she folded a square of cheesecloth to line a funnel.  After inserting the spout into the empty jar, she carefully poured the mixture through the filter.  She had learned to be diligent in grinding the petals so all that was caught in the cloth was a few slim pieces.  Better saturation meant better color and less to clean up.  Still, she always filtered the homemade ink.  It was best to catch the bigger chunks in the cloth than between paint brush bristles.

She let it sit and drip for a few minutes, taking the time to strain the tea from the mugs and dumping the spent leaves in the basket of plant waste.  She swirled one of the mugs, letting the steam carry the scent of comfort to her nose.  Sakura had given her this tea nearly a year ago, just a few months before she disappeared to travel with Sasuke.  Ino had been both surprised and not when she found a note on her best friend’s door that simply read Out of the village for a while--will write when I can!.  She had heard rumors the day before that Sasuke was back in the village.  He had started visiting Sakura regularly when he was stopping by to make a report or pick up supplies, even if it was only to say hi and check on her.  Ino was glad Sakura had finally worked up the courage to join him on his wanderings and that he had let her.  Since they were no longer rivals in love, she was firmly in her best friend’s corner.  She only hoped Sakura would be around when her child was born.

Her best friend’s letters were always vague when she talked about returning to the village.  Ino would almost worry that she would never return except that all the things Sakura loved (besides Sasuke) were here in Konoha.  Her work, her family, her friends--they were all here.  She might be willing to leave them and travel with Sasuke for a while, but the unspoken promise was that her absence was temporary.  From what Ino gathered from Shikamaru and Naruto, part of Sasuke’s wanderings were him trying to redefine himself as a shinobi of the Hidden Leaf, meaning someday he would come back and stay permanently.

Redefining oneself took time, though.  Ino understood that.  Living with Sai involved a constant redefinition of things she had known her whole life.  It had been strange and wonderful those early months of dating when she had watched him redefine who he was, to fill in the spaces beyond anbu and shinobi to include artist and comrade and friend, and then, when they got more serious, with lover and son and brother.  Every time he adjusted his definition of self, she also examined hers.

And now he would add father to the mix.  Now they had to work out what their new roles as parents would mean for their definitions of us and me.  Even before they had talked about marriage, they had spent hours discussing their relationship in the context of the people in their lives.  Sai had no memories of his parents, only Danzo’s strict instruction and distant approval, so she made sure he spent a lot of time with her mother to learn what nurturing love looked like.  They also visited Chouza a lot.  He had stepped up to watch over her and Shikamaru after they lost their fathers in the war.  It was important to her that Sai have a positive father figure in his life as well.

Ino folded the cheesecloth and put it with the other laundry.  The one relationship he had more experience with than her was siblinghood.  Often Sai seemed both happiest and saddest when he spoke of his brother Shin, and she respected their bond, even though she never had the chance to meet him.  He had been arguably the best positive influence on her husband during his youth, and those memories helped her glimpse the child that he might have been.  Sai had once equated his relationship to his brother with her bond to Shikamaru and Chouji.  She hoped his friendship with her teammates might develop into as deep a bond someday.

Ino screwed a lid on the yellow ink and tucked it into her pocket.  Carefully picking up the mugs of tea, she left the workspace and made her way through a short hallway to the studio portion of their garden shed.  She adored this space even though she rarely stepped foot in here.  Three of the walls were nearly all windows to better trap the sunlight from whatever angle it was descending.  A counter and cabinets along the fourth wall contained a variety of brushes, inks, and canvases, and art pieces in various states of completion were strewn about the floor or propped along the edges.  Sai’s easel was set up in the center, along with a pair of stools and a small table for whatever materials he was currently working with.  It was chaotic beauty bundled into one space.  She liked it.

Her husband looked up when she came in, setting aside his paintbrush to take one of the mugs of tea.

“Hello beautiful,” he greeted with his customary soft smile.  She kissed his forehead and fished the new ink out of her pocket.  He held it up to the light and swirled it a little.

“It looks great!  I was just thinking that I needed some more yellow.”

“I should have some red finished by tomorrow, too, from the last of Kurenai’s poppies.”

“Thank you.”  He squeezed her hand.  It was amazing to remember how careful he had originally been about physical contact.  It came naturally between them now.

“Can I watch you work for a while?”  Ino asked.

“Of course.”

She slid onto the stool next to his, wrapping her hands around the mug and sipping as she watched.  The piece he was working on depicted a bird leaping into flight from a bush of roses.  The roses were deep pink with dark green leaves, but the bird was bright yellow and blue.  He loved working with birds.  She wondered if it had started as a subconscious desire to fly away from Danzo’s control when he was younger, or if it was simply an admiration for the way they glided gracefully through the air.

Sai was usually very still--probably an effect of anbu stealth practices--but when free to create, he was all motion.  She loved watching his hands as he painted.  She didn’t understand how the subtle turn of his wrist or the imperceptible change in pressure of his fingers somehow produced the precise and beautiful strokes on the canvas.  He had tried patiently to teach her, but she was easily frustrated and confused by it.  So she contributed to his art by taking the dying flowers from the shop and using them to produce ink.  In this way, his paintings were a collaboration, just as their lives had been mixed together in love, and just as their child would contain a bit of both of them.  She rubbed her belly as she sipped her tea and watched Sai painting happily.  Life could be hectic and confusing, but this was bliss.

[sunbirb]

“I Want to Eat Your Pancreas”: The Infamous Bedroom Scene Contextualized within Sakura and Me’s Relationship

Spoilers!

I had so many questions about the infamous bedroom scene and legit pondered it for hours. There’s a lot of complexity and different interpretations of it, so here’s mine.

Background:

I Want to Eat Your Pancreas is tragic in many ways, but I found it tragic because throughout the story to the very end, neither Sakura nor Haruki were truly honest with themselves or each other about the state of their relationship.

Like most coming-of-age stories (and humans in real life), both of them were unreliable narrators. We as the audience were left to make sense of the ambiguities through other characters’ (Kyouko’s) knowledge, expressions on a 2D screen, and what was unsaid on our own. By nature of the beast, we were never the recipient to the totality of Sakura’s thoughts or the totality of Haruki’s thoughts, personal history, and emotional intelligence that would provide us with greater context surrounding the bedroom scene. Nor are we fully aware of the literary and cultural significance behind the books the movie chose to highlight (the book Haruki dropped and The Little Prince). If they were such unreliable narrators to us, could they have been unreliable narrators to each other and themselves?

Coming-of-age in real life involves many contradicting thoughts, wants, and needs that continuously sift and obscure each other based on timing, pride, the reluctance to be truly honest with ourselves and others, and the surprising moments of insight we share with each other and ourselves. This movie depicted this confusion very well.

At the same time, the movie adaptation did seem to push a romantic interpretation of their relationship more so than the manga. Given this framing, I believe Sakura and Haruki truly held a deep love for each other as people and friends—and as romantic partners but were hesitant to be honest with each other about their feelings, nonetheless act on them.

Their Feelings:

Long before that time in the story, Sakura held legitimate romantic and sexual feelings towards Haruki. However, she did not know how to handle them, nor was she brave or confident enough to express them to him in a straightforward manner. She’d noticed him weeks, months, or years before and thought he was curious but cute. She believed him to be safe and trustworthy, and likely wanted to play a game to see if he could open up to her. After they met, she consistently flirted with him. She consistently threw him sign after sign after sign after sign.

No girl would do or say the things Sakura did or said to Haruki to other men if she weren’t already interested: asking if he could be her boyfriend, saying they were going on dates, asking if he was interested in girls, wishing she could partake in a summer rendezvous and make mistakes in love aloud, inviting him on an overnight trip, arriving at said trip looking like they were going on a date, joking about sleeping in the same bed, asking him to look through her personal belongings for her cleanser, asking him to open the door and place it in the bathroom when she was showering, joking about him peeking, dressing in revealing clothes, doing her hair, buying alcohol, demanding to play truth or dare, asking him about her looks directly and indirectly, telling him to princess carry him to the bed and sleep next to her, inviting him to her bedroom in her empty house, and asking him if he had any feelings towards her again. And her facial expressions, major blushing, and voice direction! It. Was. So. Obvious. It. Was. Almost. Painful. To. Watch. Lol. She likes the guy!

At the same time, how could Sakura allow herself to fully commit to him? She was terrified of dying, knew Haruki did not want to become attached, and was possibly recovering from her treatment at the hands of her ex-boyfriend, who was implied to be abusive and controlling. As Kyouko stated, Sakura was fragile and vulnerable, yet even hid most of that and her tears from the person whom she was closest to. She had a lot on her mind and was confused!

Simultaneously, at that point in the story, Haruki felt the same way towards her (or was beginning to) but was still unsure about investing 100 percent of himself into her. He blushed and his voice softened at her dating questions and charm, though he prevented himself from fully embracing them. There is a lot to be said about what was unsaid, especially when there was no clarification about what was truth and what was lie during their game of truth or dare—he probably thought she was the prettiest girl in the class—or much clarification about his true feelings towards her, beyond a positive moment of narration about her every once in a while.

As time progressed, he chose to keep her company because he grew to care for her—but he did not want to become attached. Only after their conversation in the rain did he begin to give most or all of himself to her. He was also confused! Poor thing.

The Bedroom Scene:

The bedroom scene was a manifestation of all of this teenage angst and confusion: While Sakura was learning how to die, she was still learning how to live. She wanted to experience all that life had to offer, including love and sex, but was vulnerable enough to not follow through—but was not vulnerable enough to show her vulnerability. While Haruki was learning to live, he was learning how to love and be loved back, but also did not want to follow through.

I think Sakura fully intended to kiss and possibly make love to Haruki that night. After she was hurt that Haruki did not express any romantic desires to her, she put on an act to fool him that she, too, did not hold any feelings towards him. But that look from frame to frame, that heavy breathing, that nervous heartbeat could not have been an act. And Haruki was in shock. Before her surprise hug, he was becoming increasingly frustrated with his growing love for a dying girl, the unintentional games she was playing with his heart, the complexities of the world, the complexities of his newly awakened(?) emotions, the unwelcome realization that the world would react to him if he opened himself up to the world, and the perceived unworthiness from Kyouko, his classmates, and himself.

After her surprise hug, he was stunned that a beautiful girl expressed interest in him and was giving him major body contact—the first from a friend, nonetheless a girl and a girl’s boobs (teenage boys, lol). After glancing at the book he dropped when Kyouko questioned if he could carry Sakura’s burden, he hesitated but silently decided to try. And he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, opened his mouth, and leaned in...(yes, he slightly leans in)...only for Sakura to freak out, back out at the last second, and declare it was a joke and imply she saw him as a toy in an attempt to lighten her feelings, the atmosphere, and conceal her vulnerability and the fear that remained from her last relationship.

And of course, Haruki was pissed because no matter what Sakura’s true intent and feelings were, he felt like he was mocked and played with—rightfully so—and unleashed his confusion, anger, and newfound lust on her by jumping her and pinning her to the bed. In spite of being overcome with emotion, he was also paralyzed by these new emotions. Only after she began to cry did he realize he was scaring and hurting her and left in turmoil and shame, questioning if he was truly the right person to stay with her.

What Could Have Been:

After Sakura and Haruki make up, Sakura realized Haruki was not ready for a romantic relationship and decided to not push him any further. If she wanted to communicate her deeper feelings towards him, she would do so through a hug. By the summer, Haruki had emotionally developed enough to express his honest feelings towards her, reciprocate her physical affection, and remain in her arms to support her. Aside from his breakdown at the end, this scene was the apex of his character and emotional arc.

And if she had lived for the rest of the summer and a year? If. What if. Her life was full of if's. Haruki would have developed enough to realize the totality of his feelings towards her and been ready to confess, clarify his emotional ambiguities, and so would she. During her dying months, they would have been able to experience another beautiful dimension of life—young love. But both of them were tragically robbed of that opportunity.

The Beast of Adaptations:

Of course, this theory originates in my belief that this adaptation framed Sakura and Haruki’s relationship in a more romantic light than the novel and definitely more so than the manga adaptation. Those adaptations contain more of Haruki’s inner monologue, though it still suffers from the ambiguities and the unknowns, so I wonder how we should synthesize all of this new information to interpret the bedroom scene, if we even should. If we rely on Haruki’s inner monologue and explicit confusion and disgust with Sakura’s signals present in those adaptations for greater context, our interpretation of this scene would definitely be less romantic and more condemning of Sakura’s selfishness, self-destructive tendencies, and/or reluctance to face her fears in love.

However, we can also interpret this adaptation as a work on its own due to the nature of the beast of anime film adaptations. Haruki did not explicitly narrate his disgust towards Sakura during the bedroom scene—which contrasts work of a similar nature, such as Me and Earl and the Dying Girl, Your Lie in April, and Koe no Katachi—nor did he push her away before the kiss. Amongst several changes to the source material, these two scenes were deliberately never inserted into the film, and the author expressed disappointment in parts of its execution and implied changes in its themes and the state of Sakura and Haruki’s relationship.

The Film’s Final Message:

Regardless, we still know both of these beautiful characters were unreliable narrators, as we all are in real life. Sakura and Haruki were never able to discuss what happened that night or confess or act on their feelings for each other in this film, but their relationship was a lesson to Haruki and to us all. There will always be hurt and misunderstandings, but as long as we try to reach each other’s hearts, we can pierce through the ambiguities and vulnerabilities in each of us to elucidate our personal truths and our truths about each other.

[your-art-is-gay]

Meet The Writer

1. What’s your oldest WIP, and how old is it? What inspired you to start it?

My oldest WIP that’s still currently in motion is my main one, The Academy. It turned two years old September 22 (ahh!!)

I got the idea when my dad (also a writer) suggested a school with a bunch of magical creatures living in tandem, instead of a magic school specifically for like wizards or whatever. I thought it sounded very interesting, so I took a couple of character’s I’d made before and started writing!

(Fun fact, a few of the main characters in the Academy were originally from a Percy Jackson fanfiction about demigods with fears that greatly contradicted their powers! Paris was a son of Aphrodite who was terrified of falling in love, and Kieran was a son of Hecate who despised magic! Early drafts of the Academy had very heavy influence from Greek Mythology as well, up until I decided that I really didn’t want it to be so similar to Percy Jackson and created my own mythos instead.)

2. What’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to writing?

I tend to overanalyze, well, everything in my writing. One of the worst feelings is when I think of something really clever and then I discover that it opens up a plot hole in an earlier portion. Oh well, that’s what revisions are for, right? *gross sobbing*

3. What scene did you enjoy writing the most out of all your WIPs? What scene did you enjoy writing the least?

Ooohhh, that’s a good question. Frankly, I’m not entirely sure. I definitely really like the quiet, romantic scenes, because I’m a total sap and I don’t get to write many of those.

As for the one I liked the least, well… One of my main characters has been through some pretty traumatic shit in their past, and partway through the book they have a nightmare and completely break down, and gods I hated writing that. It hurts me so much to put them through that.

4. What’s your favorite trope?

Well, I have a lot of them. I really like characters who are done with everything and everyone and only go along with the crazy shit that happens to them because they have to. Like, they’ll let the plot drag them around but by the gods they’re kicking and dragging their heels along the way. I also really like casual fourth-wall breaking, Gilligan cuts, and the *thing happens and two characters in the background exchange money* tropes.

5. Which of your protagonists do you relate to the most?

Well, I have a character that’s very heavily based off of me―and who also shares my name. Although, while they were written with the intention of being somewhat of a self-insert, they’ve grown and changed as a character so much now that we really aren’t alike anymore. Frankly, I’m not entirely sure. I’d probably say Nick just for simplicity’s sake, but I don’t really know.

6. What is the worst writing experience you’ve ever had with another writer, anywhere, since you’ve started writing?

I don’t really talk to people in general. I don’t think I can recall a negative experience with another writer, actually.

7. What character from a famous story, book/movie/comic/game, or otherwise, do you despise the most? Why?

Severus motherfucking Snape. I have so many reasons for hating him.

He was an abusive, racist prick who got pissed when his female friend wasn’t romantically interested in him, called her a racist name when she tried to help him, and fucked off to join the wizard Nazis.

He only defected over to the good side because he was still obsessed with Lily and was afraid of her being murdered.

He literally asked Voldemort to spare Lily so he could be with her―sure, kill the year-old infant and the man she actually loves, but no, keep her alive so I can force my love on her.

Despite being a supposedly “good” guy, he mentally abused his students for years, so much so that he even became Neville Longbottom’s worst fear.

Neville Longbottom, who frequently goes to see his essentially braindead parents and is alluded to being able to remember when they were tortured so badly that they became that way, was tormented so badly by Snape that he became Neville’s worst fear.

Upon finding the Potter house after the were killed, he completely breezes past James’ body, ignored the wailing and bleeding child in the crib, just to hold Lily’s body and weep over how he never got to sleep with her.

He has an unreasonable hatred for Harry just because Harry looks like James.

He was so salty about something that happened when they were children (that wasn’t even Lupin’s fault, by the way) that he outed Lupin as a werewolf and forced him to resign, depriving Hogwarts of the only good DADA teacher it ever had.

And yet, despite all of this, he is given a redemption arc. He is considered a redeemable character, when Draco Malfoy, a literal child who was tortured and abused for a good portion of his life and had very little of a say in most of his awful choices, “doesn’t have a heart of gold.”

Snape is seen as a romantic, selfless guy by a good portion of the fandom because…he was obsessed with a girl who wanted nothing to do with him? Because of a throwaway line where he proclaimed he would always be obsessed with a girl who wanted nothing to do with him?

It’s bad enough that the fans think this, but the books treat it like this as well!! SNAPE, of all people, gets a redemption arc―if you can even call those bullshit excuses that. I, for one, am thoroughly sick of abusive characters getting redeemed.

(Sorry for ranting, I have a lot of feelings about this.)

8. What’s your favorite line of dialogue you’ve ever written?

Most of my characters are sarcastic little shits, so that’s really hard to say.

9. Who’s the worst character you’ve ever written, in terms of morality?

Well….hm….  The thing about my characters, particularly my antagonists, is that I do my very best to make them something other than just evil. In their eyes, their bad actions are justified. So, it’s really hard to choose.

My main villain is a very self-righteous, ambitious sort of guy. He’s kinda racist (a lot of older magi in my story just….really don’t like the fae), and thinks that the magi (magical folk) are superior. BUT, instead of wanting to take over the world or anything, he just wants to leave. Long story short, the magi are originally from another dimension, and it’s there that he wants to return them. Unfortunately, this other dimension is presumed to have been destroyed, and even if it is there, opening a rift to go there could potentially completely destroy our world. He doesn’t care about that, though―after all, it’s only humans and dirty fae that would die.

The only other character I can think of is the one I just really hate. Like, she just oozes evil and I kind of love to write her, because I don’t really have any other characters that have that slick evil personality. But she’s a pretty terrible person too. Her twin brother was taken by the fae as an infant, a changling left in his place. The changeling doesn’t know that yet―but she does.

Their entire life, she’s blamed him for why she doesn’t have her actual brother. She pretends like she loves him, but the entire time she’s been emotionally abusing him and making him constantly feel like crap about himself. She’s even physically abused him, by taking iron and burning him whenever she can get away with it.

I think she’d probably be the worst.

10. Do you prefer happy endings or bad endings? Or do you prefer the middle ground?

Definitely good endings. I can appreciate well-written bad endings, but only after I get over my initial emotional response to it. Sometimes, that takes me a while―like Swarm by Scott Westerfeld. I read that almost a year ago and I’m still fucking pissed. I’m just not really a fan of endings that leave a bad taste in my mouth. (One of the reasons I chose to reread Huck Finn for English instead of doing Of Mice And Men, despite the fact that I kind of loath Huck Finn.)

I’m also aware that not all stories can have feel-good endings, and in many of them, those types of endings just don’t make sense. *squints at the end of Mockingjay*

But, in general, I greatly prefer good endings.

[miyomiikonran]

OCtober #6 p.1: Totally not a self-insert.

As I already talked about the only self insert I ever did, my first OC Miyomi, then I don't have much to say. Well, I'll definitely talk about her later, but I don't want to spoil it, as there will be two prompts for her~

That's why I thought I could talk about small detail of my OC creating process, as I'm curious if anyone else also does it. Every time I make OC, I always give them at least one similarity with me. In most cases it's personality trait, but not always as some OCs are my complete opposites. It helps me to feel better bond with them and better rp.

In case of OCs I already mentioned it's: Takashi's impulsiveness, Arashi's fondness for dark humour, Lucas' habit of playing with his hair when he's bored (I can't get rid of it!) and Ao's fear of judgement. Miyomi is a different story as her first version was self insert, and those later created also have more than just one similarity.

EDIT: I think I really should explain the f is going on with me and all those different universes and characters who because of it exist many times at once. And this note seems to be a right place to do so! Well, I can't lie, it may be weird, but I can't help it, but be fascinated by how many things add up and build someone's personality. And it affects how I see my OCs. I see them like some kind of...entertaiment. Collection of different types and stories I can play with. So when I create a character, I think out everything I can about them. I have this idea of how I want them to be, and then think- what made them the way they are? Was it influence of environment they grew up in? Or their life experience? Maybe some kind of tragic that affected the way they see the world and themselves? Or maybe they got into some mess and didn't have the choice?

Then when I know exactly what it was, I think- what if this, or this was different? What could have changed? How could they turn out to be? What traits of their personality could shine this time? Did it save them? Or ruin them? And that's exactly how that many versions exist. Because of my curiosity and some ideas I liked enough to make new alternative universe out of it. I hope I'll be able to suprise you once or twice how some of characters changed to the point they're complete opposite of what they used to be~

Huh, that's really short note for today... Well, I can't help it, sorry! I'll try harder next time!