#this is the year of actually wearing my jewellery sets. manifesting.

[annabelle--cane]

first day of classes look

[euclarisse]

⟨  CAMILLE  RAZAT.    CIS  FEMALE.    SHE  /  HER.  ⟩    though  the  mist  might  prevent  some  from  seeing  it,    CLARISSE  PROUVAIRE    is  actually  a  descendant  of    K H I O N E.    it’s  still  a  question  of  whether  or  not  the    TWENTY - SIX    year  old    ART  HISTORY  MAJOR    from    AVIGNON,    FRANCE    has  taken  after  their  godly  parent  completely,    but  the  demigod  is  still  known  to  be  quite    EBULLIENT    &    HAUGHTY.

                  ❄    DOSSIER.      ❄    PINTEREST.      ❄    PLAYLIST.

PERSONALITY.

a  sunny  disposition  offsets  clarisse’s  frosty  lineage.    while  one  might  expect  her  to  brush  you  off,    the  girl  is  rarely  seen  without  a  smile  on  her  face,    and  is  welcoming  to  all  she  meets    ⸺    just  as  long  as  they  treat  her  well.    after  all,    her  name  means    ‘  bright  ’,    and  she  is  ever - determined  to  prove  herself  as  such  ;  clarisse  is  always  happy  to  lend  a  hand  where  needed  or  offer  a  shoulder  to  cry  on  if  someone  is  upset.    she  is  a  force  of  positive  energy,    forever  trying  to  find  the  silver  lining  where  there  may  not  always  be  one.    while  she  rarely  lets  things  get  to  her,    clarisse’s  desire  to  trust  and  see  the  good  in  all  means  that  she  is  often  misled.    she’s  not  always  the  best  judge  of  character,    and  she  has  been  hurt  because  of  it  in  the  past.    people  tend  to  mistake  her  trust  for  naivete,    and  while  she  can  be  quite  oblivious  to  people’s  intentions  at  times,    she  won’t  allow  them  to  walk  all  over  her.

          as  the  middle  child  in  a  family  of  three,    clarisse  has  often  felt  like  she  has  to  prove  herself  in  order  to  be  seen.    a  perfectionist  at  heart  and  a  dancer  for  most  of  her  life,    she  tends  to  focus  on  the  smaller  details  and  gets  frustrated  when  things  become  misaligned  or  fall  out  of  place.    she  is  extremely  studious  and  hardworking  as  a  result,    and  has  always  been  at  the  top  of  her  classes.    she  refuses  to  let  herself  be  anything  less  than  number  one,    and  can  occasionally  come  off  as  something  of  a  snob  when  something    (    or  someone    )    doesn’t  meet  her  standards.    once  clarisse  sets  her  heart  on  a  goal,    she  will  always  see  it  through,    no  matter  the  outcome.    she  sees  mistakes  as  a  reason  to  learn  and  better  herself.    improvement  is  never  out  of  reach  for  her  and  it  is  something  that  has  always  been  encouraged  by  her  loved  ones.

          being  surrounded  by  people  is  one  of  clarisse’s  great  joys  in  life.    she  is  fond  of  large  crowds  of  people  and  seldom  likes  to  be  alone,    having  always  been  lucky  enough  to  have  at  least  one  friend  by  her  side.    clarisse  is  usually  seen  as  the  mother  figure  in  her  friend  groups,    and  has  frequently  been  described  as    ‘  the  sensible  one  ’.    there  is  nothing  she  wouldn’t  do  for  her  loved  ones,    but  be  warned,    once  you  have  betrayed  her  trust  and  shown  her  your  true  colours,    she’s  not  so  easily  swayed.    she  is  a  firm  believer  that  second  chances  should  be  earned  through  actions,    not  freely  given,    and  no  one    ⸺    not  even  herself    ⸺    deserves  to  be  excused  purely  on  words  alone.

FACTS.

clarisse’s  mother  is  an  art  collector,    often  acquiring  rare  and  exquisite  pieces  to  sell  to  museums.    both  philippe  and  madelyn  are  benefactors  of  several  large  and  infamous  art  galleries  in  france    (    including  the  louvre    ).    their  donations  are  annual,    significant,    and  their  names  are  almost  synonymous  with  some  of  the  most  prominent  art  communities  in  europe.

clarisse  has  a  grey  long - haired  cat  named  basile.    he  is  of  the  norwegian  forest  breed,    and  was  chosen  with  the  knowledge  that  norwegian  forest  cats  are  adapted  to  colder  climates,    much  like  the  siberian  husky  or  alaskan  malamute.    the  name  basile  means    ‘  regal  ’    in  french,    and  clarisse  frequently  calls  him  her  little  prince.    he  is  her  emotional  support  animal  due  to  her  anxiety.

khione  has  visited  her  daughter  many  times  over  the  years,    though  she  would  often  disguise  herself  prior  to  clarisse’s  official  claiming,    as  she  wanted  to  give  her  daughter  some  semblance  of  normalcy  until  then.    she  always  brings  her  small  gifts,    often  in  the  form  of  jewellery,    and  was  usually  introduced  to  her  as  a  distant  aunt.    one  gift  in  particular  arrived  on  the  eve  of  clarisse’s  sixteeth  birthday  and  was  a  silver  necklace  featuring  a  pendant  of  intricate  snowflakes.    clarisse  has  never  taken  it  off  and  she  treasures  it  immensely.

clarisse  speaks  with  a  heavy  french  accent,    and  it  can  be  quite  difficult  to  understand  when  she  is  speaking  quickly.    her  language  preference  is  french,    as  it  is  her  main  tongue,    and  it  pleases  her  greatly  when  she  runs  into  other  people  who  can  also  speak  french  as  she  doesn’t  have  to  be  so  self - conscious  about  her  speech.

clarisse  was  a  summer  member  of  camp  stark  from  2010 – 2012,    and  left  the  camp  when  she  was  seventeen  years  old.    she  went  on  one  quest  in  the  first  month  of  her  final  year,    and  was  accompanied  by  two  other  camp  members.    their  task  was  to  seek  out  and  return  the  diadem  of  mnemosyne  to  calliope,    the  leader  of  all  muses.    they  were  successful.

before  arriving  at  eonia  university,    clarisse  attended  the  ballet  de  l’opéra  national  de  paris,    where  she  went  on  to  become  one  of  their  principal  dancers.    at  the  age  of  twenty - three,    she  was  forced  to  quit,  after  a  trio  of  harpies  attacked  her  and  several  audience  members  during  a  performance.

POWERS.

aerokinesis    :    perhaps  the  one  power  clarisse  has  used  before  but  still  has  yet  to  fully  refine.    occasionally,    on  a  cold,    stormy  night,    when  the  wind  rattles  the  windows  in  their  frames,    she  is  able  to  brush  it  away  as  it  it  were  a  mere  fly  hovering  about  her  head.    she  has  summoned  gusts  of  wind  in  the  past,    the  most  recent  that  she  can  recall  being  her  final  performance  with  the  ballet  de  l’opéra  national  de  paris.    audience  members  and  staff  will  say  that  it  came�� from  the  hole  in  the  ceiling,    but  she  knows  what  she  did,    what  she  is  capable  of  doing.    the  wind  swept  from  her  body  as  sharp  as  knives,    whipping  through  the  theatre  like  a  winter  gale.    it  tore  a  hole  through  the  roof  and  blew  the  creatures  away.    she  cannot  forget.    she  will  always  remember  what  she  is  able  to  do.

cryokinesis    :    it  comes  as  naturally  to  her  as  breathing.    at  five  days  old,    she  was  creating  small  blizzards  in  her  room.    by  eight  years  old,    she  was  making  slides  down  the  staircase  by  pouring  water  over  the  steps  and  freezing  it  to  ice.    clarisse  never  found  it  particularly  strange  or  peculiar  that  she  was  able  to  manipulate  the  cold  with  such  ease.    in  fact,    when  she  was  younger,    she  assumed  it  was  something  that  all  children  could  do,    and  was  left  astonished  when  her  brother  informed  her  otherwise.    she  learned  to  embrace  her  unique  gift  from  a  young  age,    and  taught  herself  how  to  hone  her  abilities  without  expert  instruction,    almost  to  the  point  of  perfection.    she’s  learned  how  to  create  beautiful  figures  made  of  ice,    sculptures  that  her  parents  would  proudly  display  during  dinner  parties  and  family  gatherings.    she  uses  her  cryokinesis  habitually,    and  it  is  something  she  is  completely  unashamed  of,    even  if  the  frequent  demonstration  of  her  power  has  brought  her  trouble  in  the  past.

fearspeak    :    clarisse  is  too  fair  and  too  kind  to  ever  willingly  use  this  ability  on  someone  who  doesn’t  deserve  it,    and  every  time  she’s  ever  used  her  fearspeak  in  the  past,    she  has  felt  nothing  but  the  deepest  of  regret.    for  her,    it  is  a  shame  she  must  carry.    she  never  wishes  to  incite  fear  in  anybody,    but  she  can  sometimes  perceive  what   they  are  feeling.    it  speaks  to  her,    calls  out  to  her,    and  when  it  does,    she  can’t  help  but  inform  them  of  the  worst.

other  abilities  :

heat  sensitivity    :    the  first  ability  that  ever  manifested  in  clarisse  was  a  sensitivity  to  heat.    her  mother  could  never  understand  why  her  baby  would  cry  relentlessly  in  the  middle  of  summer,    or  by  the  fireplace  in  the  living  room  when  it  was  lit.    the  hottest  days  of  the  year  were  an  endurance  for  the  entire  family.    while  she  was  as  obedient  and  easygoing  as  they  came,    it  was  the  one  time  of  the  year  where  she  would  fuss  and  stick  up  her  nose.    she’s  gotten  in  frequent  trouble  with  her  father    (    who  has  a  weak  disposition  and  bad  circulation    )    for  turning  down  the  heating  during  the  coldest  winter  nights.    extreme  heat  makes  her  skin  feel  itchy,    like  she’s  about  to  break  out  in  hives  or  burn  to  a  crisp  on  the  spot,     but  she’s  learned  not  to  complain.

immunity  to  cold    :   clarisse  has  never  felt  the  cold  the  way  that  she  felt  the  heat.    she  says  it  brushes  over  her  like  water    ⸺    almost  unfeeling,    rippling  over  her  skin.    in  the  depths  of  winter,    she  can  walk  around  in  single  layers    ⸺     the  thinnest  silk  dress,    the  shortest  sleeved  t - shirt    ⸺    with  a  smile  on  her  face,    as  if  it  were  any  other  day  of  the  year.    she  seldom  wears  thick  winter  jackets,    but  if  she  does,    know  that  it’s  for  everyone  else’s  sake  than  for  her  own.    it’s  better  to  fit  in  than  be  judged.

OUT  OF  CHARACTER.

it’s  your  fave,    nixie    (    24,    gmt,    she  /  her    )    coming  in  with  muse  number  two    !!!    very  happy  and  excited  to  finally  be  writing  clarisse,    who  I  have  thus  dubbed  as  my  lil  sunshine  winter  baby.    I  know  I’ve  been  hyping  her  up  for  the  last  few  weeks,    but  I  absolutely  cannot  wait  to  write  her,    so  come  and  plot  with  me    !

[amphtaminedreams]

A/W 2020 Fashion Month: Before Vogue Went Blank

Hi to anyone reading,

I’m sorry this post is so late! I really have no excuse apart from all my mental energy being taken up by shooting and editing my Euphoria lookbook up until now and me being too much of a lazy, nap-loving twat to face the mammoth task of a fashion month review; honestly, by the time it’s done, it’s like a dissertation-level amount of characters, so let’s say the final push to get this out is in sympathy with all my 3rd year friends I started uni with finishing their ACTUAL dissertations.

Things have got scary since I originally started saving the photos for this post, and the world has been turned upside down. In response to the COVID-19 pandemic, the likes of which have not been seen since the Spanish Flu, Italian Vogue’s April cover was blank. As I’m writing this, 26,000+ people have died of coronavirus in Italy, the worst affected country behind the U.S in terms of sheer numbers ( though quick update: as I post this, I’m pretty sure our incompetent prick of a PM has made sure we’re up there too). Proportionally, the actual death rate is even higher, along with a handful of other European countries. There have been some complaints made about the cover and it’s supposed “lack of imagination”; all I know is that in a country whose death toll accounts for 10% of worldwide coronavirus deaths, something of a visual silence feels appropriate. 

That being said, for me, writing is one of the only things giving me a sense of purpose right now. Yeah, surprise surprise, working in a grocery store isn’t all that fulfilling. Who would’ve thought it? So what better time to reflect on a time when all the rich people of the world were going about their lives as usual and sitting front row at fashion week rather than crying on Instagram live to their millions of followers about how trapped they feel in their 10 bedroom mansions.

I’ve got to say, this year’s A/W offerings were a lot better than I expected, mostly due to the fact that I’m not generally a big fan of winter fashion; it’s hard to be disappointed given my preconceptions! There’s only so many knits and coats and jeans you can see before it begins to get a bit tiring, and I expected that to be reflected in the presentations. Fortunately, even the brands which are known for their bohemian, Coachella-esque collections generally managed to translate that into something recognisable and consistent on the runway whilst actually being weather appropriate. Of course, there were a few disappointments-I’m sure if I say one of them begins with D, you can guess which brand I’m talking about-but that was more than made up for by the standouts. Gucci in particular was my 2013 Tumblr wet dream and the Moschino show was what I can only describe as a live continuation of Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette, though I’ll stop with my praise there and wait til I get to actually reviewing before I go overboard with kissing Alessandro Michele’s ass. And on that note, in chronological order, I’ll get one with the reviews! First up, Acne:

Continuing on a winning streak when it comes to catering to my personal preferences (if someone tries to tell me designers don’t care about my personal preferences I’m going to whack out that “just found out the world doesn’t revolve around me, shocked and upset” Marina Diamandis tweet), Acne once again channels futuristic hippy commune living in a dystopian wasteland. I know, those are very specific personal preferences

I love the shredded hems and the burnt velvet, the rawness of it all, and the baroque/your-nan’s-wallpaper patterns are actually a surprisingly nice touch. I imagine if Giselle from Enchanted had to make her dresses out of a thrifty goth’s curtains rather than an upper-middle-class New Yorker’s, they��d look something like this collection. You’ve even got the odd bit of classic fresh Scandi tailoring in there with the oversized coats and blazers which holds it back from being a bit TOO flea market. Plus, the renaissance painting detailing on the black leather-look coat is a stunning detail as well; I’m so glad it seems this trend is here to stay, why wouldn’t I want random nude bodies all over my clothes? 

As for the styling, I can’t get enough of the tousled hair. As an eternally tired person who can't be arsed to pick up a brush most of the time, I feel represented. Along with the outfits, it says “I’m an art student/transient painter in the 70s living in a city loft who smokes a lot of weed and does acid on the regular” and that is a life worth manifesting.

Alberta Ferretti was dreamy, and a perfect example of how to translate the bohemian aesthetic of their S/S show to A/W. Somehow despite the furs, ruffles (pussy-bows under tailored jackets and knits/generally heavier pieces always looks really chic imo), tulle, metallic tapestry style prints and chunky jewellery, it all still looks very effortless, like a natural continuation of what we saw last summer; the typically masculine structure of the oversized suits with the ornate patterns and the accessories lends to the careful navigation along the line where maximalism and minimalism meet, the looks as practical as they are decorative. Picture it: you work some high-flying, powerful job in the city, commute on a motor cycle and roll up in one of these suit sets. This collection is for the edgy businesswoman who is completely comfortable telling all the twattish males she works with where to stick it and I want to be her. 

The evening gowns are, of course, stunning too. In this analogy where I am a powerful businesswoman and not a pushover who works at a grocery store right now and only beefs with rude customers, I would be wearing one of them to the boujie work Christmas party. The ruffled dresses remind me of something Valentino would put out with the colour palette and the ruffles, and whilst we’re on the topic of colour palettes, this one is beautiful. The lilac and hot pink is SO right.

Though predictable, Alessandra Rich is just as much of a treat as usual, the first brand you’d go to if you were styling a throwback it-girl, Chanel Oberlin in Scream Queens if it took place 30 years earlier. Reminiscent of an amalgamation of vintage Chanel and Versace, there are so many cute details I love here, from the white tights with the black heels and the double breasted blazers to the gold chainlink belts and the pearls. The tartan suits with the shoulder padding are very Heathers, the prints the best of your mum’s 80s wardrobe, and nobody else out there is doing bows as well as this; these are the outfits that prissy bitch wears in the cartoons of my childhood that turn out to actually be quite good fashion inspo 15 years later, Trixie Tang from Fairly Odd Parents I’m looking at you. 

This girl was the blueprint. 

I think someone like Lilly Collins or Daphne Groeneveld would be an ideal fit for any of these looks, or Lana Del Rey if she wanted to stop serving us middle-aged suburban soccer mom and took us back to those H&M ad campaign days. Lana stans please don’t come for me for saying that, I am one of you; I say this because I love her. It’s all altruistic. 

Whilst I admittedly didn’t love it as much as last summer’s, I really enjoyed the Alexander McQueen collection too, plus I had a better idea of what to expect this time round; no, we’re not gonna get a repeat of the Plato’s Atlantis show but we do always get some beautiful pieces. Again, like with Alberta Ferretti, this seems like a natural continuation of what we saw in the summer, just with adjustments made for the colder, darker, and altogether moodier months. A/W being the gothier older sister of S/S, it seems right that a lot of the looks turn their back on the ethereal, almost fairy-like feel of what we saw before and embrace the vampier side, reds and blacks (the ultimate Bratz Rock Angels colour combination), plenty of dramatic structures and formidable suit sets. It’s punk but it’s classy, and even with the lighter pieces, we’ve got the grunge inspired harnesses on top to contrast with the elegance and effectively, toughen the whole look up, something Gucci does well too. 

The patterned suits with the clunky boots in particular are very cool and I need a gun metal grey heart detailing harness, but undoubtedly the MOMENT of this collection is Adut Akech in what appears to be a silver chainmail dress. She looks like an Amazonian goddess, and whilst I could never dream of pulling something like that off myself, I could happily admire her in it for hours.

There wasn’t much to get excited about at Altuzarra. The collection was very elegant for sure and the feathered belts are cute but it was all quite pedestrian and nothing new-the only detail I really like is the cut out on the second dress from the left, 3rd row down.

As for Anna Sui:

I’m not altogether sure why I wanted to review it. A lot of the outfits as a whole are a bit messy, and not in that avant-garde, expensive-looking Margiela kind of way, just in a “how many fabrics can we possibly get on this model” kind of way. Plus, the styling seems weirdly outdated-a lot of the jewellery looks like the kind of thing you’d see if you searched “gothic choker” on Ebay and ordered the results from low to high, and the makeup and hair in particular is very 2012 Tumblr fashion blogger. Backcombed hair and red lipstick? We’ve got a Zoella thumbnail on our hands.

When the collection did go down the bohemian route though (and when that route wasn’t a failed attempt at what Etro does a lot better), there were a few nice pieces and prints. I mean you really can’t go wrong with a teal fur trimmed coat.

Ashish, on the other hand, took their aesthetic from a similar era and did it a lot more creatively and kookily; this collection looks a lot more deserving of being on a runway. The prints are so loud and costume-y that at times the garments risk looking like something you’d wear at a decades themed dress up party, but they’re saved by understated and much more commercial silhouettes, plus some gorgeous hair and make up. On the whole, very groovy, unintentional disco queen, despite the few risks that didn’t quite pay off.

Next is a brand I always look forward to. In the words of Myrtle Snow:

BALENCIAGA!

Seriously though, if any brand knows how to blend costume and high fashion, it’s them. They take over-the-top, almost absurd silhouettes and turn them into theatre. This year we’re taking it in the direction of Phantom of the Opera, I guess? Dracula? The Woman in Black? An off-broadway production of Harry Potter where Snape is the protagonist? Whatever the direction of the collection is, I live for the dramatics of it all. Demna Gvasalia got these models walkin’ down the runway like they’re members of the Volutri, which is a reference you should all understand given the renaissance Twilight is having online atm.

Straight off the bat, I adore the staging, and all the models are exquisite-the theme of the show was climate change, and I always love when there’s a story behind the presentation of the clothes. I can’t imagine how amazing this must have been to witness in person, though I’m guessing equal parts mystical and intimidating. There are so many things I love here: billowing coats, cinched in waists, the pattens that are sprinkled sparingly in amongst the black, and the bloody shoulder pads that almost run PARALLEL to the model’s necks. This is really a collection that Myrtle Snow would be proud of and brb whilst I get rid of my padlock necklaces in favour of putting whatever meagre amount I can get for them on Depop towards a Balenciaga padlock belt (as if, lol, I don’t even think selling my soul would cover it).

And then there’s Balmain, which isn’t always the fashion critic’s favourite, but which I do tend to like. 

I mean there are some really good takeaways here-though the 80s inspired suit, as wearable as they are, can get a little repetitive, they are staples which here seem to pave the way for Olivier Rousteing to try something new for the brand. The moulded breast plates (reminiscent of the Tom Ford one Zendaya wore though I’m not sure which came first!), for example, along with the Matador-style capes and the flowing silk dresses are the most glamorous incarnation of Lara Croft one can possibly imagine, probably just as equally suited for a Roman goddess as they are for an Assassins Creed style action heroine. And yes, I am aware of the fact that Tomb Raider and Assassins Creed are two separate games, okay!  I just don’t know enough about the visuals of either to firmly plant this collection in the camp of either one, so I’m going down the crossover route with it!

Not to say there weren’t any bad choices-I omitted a good portion of the looks that were shown; there were definitely pieces that I found to be a little tacky, particularly a recurring chain print which has got to be one of my least favourite patterns out there. Overall, though, it’s gonna be the richly coloured art-deco prints, the wet-look boots and the gem-encrusted scorpion brooch which stick with me, so I’ll let it slide. 

Bottega Veneta was very meh; even of the looks I picked out, there are a lot I’m now looking back at and wishing I hadn’t included. Some of the men’s pieces are nice, sure, and I feel like one of those vaguely sick, victorian ghost looking male celebrities everyone obsesses over (Timothée Chalamet and Dane DeHaan I’m looking at you) would make those suits on the second row look fine af, but it’s mostly the womenswear that I’m here for and on this occasion it wasn’t great. A couple of the coats are nice and that’s about it. Like I really had to act as if the tassels weren’t there on a lot of the clothes and go from there because I really don’t like them in this context and if I was to veto looks purely on one of the garments having tassels, there’d be nothing to show or reference when giving my opinion on the show. They were EVERYWHERE. In a summer collection, done right, they can be a nice detail but here they just feel unnecessary and if I’m being honest, are quite ugly. 

Thank god for Brock taking the sour Bottega Veneta tassel taste out of my mouth. Never a let down. Literally, everything they put out sends me into a daze of imagining I’m in some romantic drama wearing one of the pieces, in a man’s idea of “no makeup”, running round in a field looking forlorn and windswept because my ghostly lover has-

Okay, you get the picture. I’ve never read Wuthering Heights, but it goes something like that, right? If not, lets just say envisioning myself in any of these catapults me straight into some period drama where I’m born into wealth and sit by my mansion window looking sad all the time and writing poetry and lusting over some stuffy upper-class man I can’t have and who is probably played by Colin Firth because I’m pretty sure that’s what happens in most of them (about to enrage my future English lit undergraduate sister with that line).

Nobody does modest, muted sexy to such a masterful degree. I mean, when Maison Marigela did face veils I was just mildly afraid, but here they’re subtle enough that they’re quite beautiful and almost other-worldly, acting as some kind of boundary between this world and the past that Brock aims to recapture through its designs-the red lip popping out from underneath is a perfect touch too. I don’t like it AS much as the summer collection but I would say that’s solely on the basis of the more autumn/winter appropriate colour scheme and the heavier fits, which is just a personal preference. I mean, I’m usually not a fan of empire waistlines at all and Brock even manages to make that work.

Burberry this season was a real mixed bag, mostly due to the styling. There are some really gorgeous, London back alley vintage shop looking pieces, especially the 70s style coats, reminiscent of outerwear a slimy record exec would've worn back in the day repurposed by someone like Alexa Chung or Zoe Kravitz or whichever effortlessly cool woman it is we all want to be-also the private boy’s school rugby gear looking shit is classic Burberry and I’m a fan of that, even though it’s not the most inventive or exciting. I just don’t get why there had to be SO much ill-fitting plaid over ill-fitting plaid. Again, like with Bottega Veneta, I thought the menswear was a lot stronger; whilst I wasn’t really wowed by anything, it seemed a lot less forced, whereas a few of the womenswear looks gave me the vibe of a design team desperately grasping onto some ill-conceived ideas of street style and relevancy. 

The design team at Carolina Herrera for example, know their niche. They never try to be something they’re not, always sublimely preppy and pretty and predictable-when it comes to target market, the bag is reliably secured. Laid- back princess dresses never get old for those constantly “summering” in one expensive coastal town or another, for the rich American moms attending charity galas and the Spencer Hastings and Blair Waldorfs of the world; women with glossy hair and fresh faces who act as if they woke up looking like that polished but are actually anal as hell and take 2 hours to get ready and would NEVER, I repeat NEVER, shit in a public toilet. 

Yes, I managed to worm toilet habits into a review of a Carolina Herrera collection. I’m sorry. Enough with the pearl clutching. 

Next is Celine:

I mean, when there are THIS many looks, it’s hard not to find something you like, and though VERY predictable and verging on lazy when you’re putting out the same shit every collection, Celine’s aesthetic is so similar to my own ideal style, it’s hard to be mad at it. That being said, a lot of the pieces, as per usual, came across as cheap YSL knock offs; the overall outfits are cute, but the more you look at the details-it particularly pained me to include a metal bow belt and an ill-fitting velvet skater skirt but I liked the rest of the outfits-the worse it gets. Please, PLEASE someone drive it home to Hedi Slimane, I’m begging you: QUALITY NOT QUANTITY. I get what he’s going for, 70s hipster Jane Birkin is a vision I can very much get behind, but not when it seems to be so rushed.

With the men’s looks, you can get away with it a lot more; when so much of menswear is so plain and unchanging, the slightest hint of Mick Jagger is enough to make a outfit edgy. But even then, I still feel like we’re seeing a load of variations of the same outfit. There are always some pieces that catch my eye, this time round the capes and the velvet blazers, and I would wear most of these things, sure, however I don’t think the combinations SHOULD necessarily look like something I’d personally put together; a runway collection is supposed to be aspirational and cutting edge, not pedestrian (entirely intentional self-drag, lol). Also, side note, the lack of diversity really bothered me. 111 looks and not one of these models has a body type that is naturally achievable for most people. It’s 2020 for fuck’s sake. I’m tired.

SO, let’s liven things up a bit with the Central Saint Martins collection, a breath of fresh air in terms of diversity (though a few more plus-size models would be nice):

As a former University of London student, I hate to heap praise upon them. If you’ve studied in London as well, you’ll know CSM students are ANNOYING. I mean, I’m sure they’re lovely as individuals but you can’t fully understand the meaning of the word pretentious until you’ve seen a group of them at a Uniqlo Tate Late. That being said, they are very good at what they do and I’m so glad that Vogue Runway includes them; this is what Off-White thinks it is, and really it makes sense that a bunch of current fashion students are able to come together to present one of the most experimental and forward-thinking shows of this season. 

And let’s talk about the RANGE. From catsuits worthy of comic book heroes to  dresses Twiggy would’ve worn in a 1960s editorial, every subgenre of fashion has been fully delved into here. Whilst we’ve got the adrogyny of the suits and suspenders combo and kitschy gender-bending co-ords David Bowie would be proud of, at the other end of the scale we’ve also got models walking down the runway dressed like wood nymphs or some other kind of siren-like creatures. There’s looks that wouldn’t be out of place in a Gucci or Come Des Garcons collection but at that same time would be equally at home in a Berlin techno club. 

Honestly, credit where credit’s due-it was a really interesting show and I wouldn’t expect anything less.

Chanel was quite literally the polar opposite of the CSM show. 

Very blah. 

It’s crazy because before you properly get INTO fashion, Chanel is like the epitome of style. And then you do, and you see the runway shows get lazier and lazier (with some exceptions) every year, and you realise that same prestige that had you aware of Chanel at the age of 7 or 8 is literally all that’s keeping the brand going at this point. I’m not saying the collection is flat out ugly, a lot of it’s cute, but you’re CHANEL for fuck’s sake. Yeah, I like the crucifixes but SCALLOPED HEMS!? No. I do NOT recall travelling back in time to witness Primark’s Spring 2013 collection on the runway and I am NOT having it.

It’s not at all surprising that a lot of the time newer brands Charlotte Knowles (above) tend to be more interesting than those more established-and yes that was a Chanel indirect if the transition wasn’t obvious.

With no room to rest on laurels or reputation, everything has to be bolder and smarter and more distinctive and most importantly, has to appeal to its target market with the fervour of an L.A sign spinner. I only found out about Charlotte Knowles because of a Vogue article citing her as Bella Hadid’s new favourite brand to wear, and once I saw the collection, it was clear why; daringly modern, slick, and edgy is both her street style (say what you want about her as a model but her outfit game is unbeaten) and Knowles’ USP to a T. If Dion Lee, Off-White, GCDS and Acne had an orgy, this would be the result, and that is a GOOD compliment.

Next, Chloe:

Not a huge amount to say, to be honest. Low-key, wearable, and cute. Like Emma Roberts’ Nancy Drew if she did an autumn exchange program at the Sorbonne and studied art history, libraries and coffee shops on the weekdays and galleries and protests at the weekend. On reflection, that definitely makes this collection sound more exciting than it is but there are some effortlessly beautiful pieces here. The 4th row in particular is full of stand outs-the vest with the watercolour faces on with the shirt underneath is perfection, and the burgundy suit with the saffron ruffled collar peeking out from underneath is adorable and not at all reminiscent of the Ronald McDonald inspired nightmare that any combination of red and yellow tones should theoretically be.

As for Christian Siriano, I see why people hate it, I really do. I understand that it seems kinda unfair to have it show the same week as Brock and Rodarte and Oscar de La Renta. We’re talking 2 very different kinds of quality here. BUT, at pure face value, his clothes are FUN, plus Coco Rocha will always have a special place in my heart as someone who lived on The Face and America’s Next Top Model and every show that could possibly give me an unhealthy body image ever.

Like are you telling me you wouldn’t wear these dresses to a party!? Live a little. They just need tailoring...which ideally would be done BEFORE the model’s walking down the runway in it but...you know...can’t have it all.

Christopher Kane is a show I always look forward to.

I would say his designs are the only thing that make geometry look fun but I’m going to expose myself and admit that would be a lie because I actually found geometry really fun. Trigonometry was my shit, lol.

He is a designer who perfectly demonstrates that juggling interseasonal consistency and taking risks can be done. There’s always something DIFFERENT about his collections, fresh and subtly experimental. There are occasionally a few misses, sure, but I’d rather that than for a brand to keep playing safe, plus he never goes too far in the opposite direction either; no going weird for the sake of weird. I don’t like it AS much as the summer collection but it’s mostly because of the more muted, autumn/winter appropriate colour palette.

Comme Des Garçons? Too weird?

Never.

Honestly when it comes to a CDG collection, I have to really shift my perspective to appreciate it. I’m not looking at fashion presentation, I’m looking at a moving piece of experimental art. I know, it’s a stretch. But you know you’ll never be bored by one of their shows. Not gonna lie, this specific collection crossed the line into plain ugly a couple of times for me. We had padding so extravagant it looked like several models were walking round with Ikea pillows stuck to their chest and headdresses reminiscent of the kids’ game Headbandz. In amongst that though, we did get some gorgeous veils like the ones seen above and the shoes and socks combo is actually quite wearable.

I’d say Dilara Findikoglu is the cut-off point after which things get a little too avant-garde for my personal taste, and it hovers over that cut-off point flawlessly; despite the other-worldly elements of her collections, they remain somewhat grounded by nods towards conventional fashion that allow the beauty, be it inner or outer, of the wearer to shine through. Comme Des Garcons garments undeniably have character but they tend to swallow up any trace of the individual underneath, whereas the character of Dilara Findikoglu garments seamlessly merges with the wearer and in turn elevates both to something transcendent and ethereal. If the Pussycat Dolls got transported into a rugged, post-apocalyptic future, they’d scrape together these outfits to perform in, I know it; the energy of the collection, with the body jewellery and the frayed cut outs and the chalk white faces, is very warrior princess, just as raw and intimidating as it is hot as fuck, and I want that energy in my life. Along with a Dilara belt, of course. I would wear her name like a badge of honour anytime she wants. Dilara, pls pls let me be part of your tribe. PLEASE.

Anyway, this is where I thought I’d cut things off, so as to end on a positive note. You know what that means: Dior is coming up. I feel bad knowing my first post was defending Maria Grazia and yet here I am now, looking at the bar down on the floor, but I mean, you never know; maybe girl is doing this on purpose and one day she’s gonna come out with a Gucci level quality show like a phoenix from the ashes.

If you got this far, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING even if you’re just here for the pics. Part 2 will be covering some of my most anticipated shows from Elie Saab, Fendi and Etro to Gucci and Moschino, Miu Miu and Marc Jacobs, and everything in between. Yes, the shitty ones too.

I’m plowing through all the material as quick as I can so I hope to get the next post up really soon, and yes-you can count on the overwhelming sense of needing to be productive pushing me into fulfilling that statement. 

Thanks again and I hope you’re well!

Lauren x

[jakattax]

DSIC session #3

Day: sun

Hour sun: 20:35-21:22

Prep: this weekend I got my hands on 2 silver plated candlesticks to replace the glass bowls the originally stood in. They were from an antique centre where a local witch has a stall so I picked up more frankincense, candles and a gorgeous opalite pendant for my mother. She also had a 100mm ‘quartz’ ball for £22! Buuuut I took one look at it and I knew it was glass. Bit of a disappointment as my ball is roughly 70mm but no matter. The candlesticks were a steal and Barrett specifies silver candlesticks so that’s one step closer to staying true to the formula.

I also took to wearing all gold jewellery in my possession, that being a gold and onyx signet ring and a gold chain. Gold being the metal of the sun I thought it would be appropriate and again at the suggestion of @vlm242ov23 it was a natural and perfect choice to make. Considering my success the previous week I’m making any and every association with the sun as I can get. I also played a NASA recording of the sound of the sun (which is quite disconcerting) on a continuous loop. Again I employed the sound of a Robin Williams stand up routine in the hopes of garnering the attention of Tzadtzikiel.

No major variation in preparation. I tried to replicate all procedures I took last week.

Rather annoyingly my mother has had plumbers in the house this week and I know for a fact they had entered the room and moved the position of my crystal, which I spent some time positioning to ensure the facets and inner flaws were not entiterly visible, just meaning that it was positioned so it was at the angle of perfect clarity. And they moved it. So not best pleased. But I digress, I chose not to spend what time I had repositioning it.

As a side note I allow very few people to enter my room, so when strangers decide to traipse in and out and meddle with ritual set up it really really angers me. I dread to think what else they decided to meddle with. I abhor rudeness.

Anyway.

I feel there is no need to expand on the actual conducting of the ritual, as previously stated I didn’t add anything to what I’ve usually been doing and I tend to follow Barrett’s words verbatim. So if those inquisitive few wish to know, just read the source material.

So I finished the orations and sat down, gazing heavily and calling out several times. Considering the success I’ve been having I specifically requested for the spirit Tzadtzikiel to make its presence known through a clear visible manifestation in the crystal. Specifically light phenomena or visions of any form. Again I have no serious desire for Tzadtzikiel to carry out any major tasks or pacts, I just want a clearer picture of whom I’m conversing with. I had a physical manifestation months ago, not through the Trimethius method but a largely improvised celestial evocation. It certainly worked as both myself and my mother saw largely the same manifestation at separate times. Choosing to appear as a vast green mist, with unmistakable wings, if anything Tzadtzikiel chose to appear like an atypical seraph, albeit not entirely tangible, less physical and more shifting and mist-like. And green, obviously.

So it was my intentions for Tzadtzikiel to do this again, but within the crystal, I desired a strong physical manifestation and this was my demand.

Oddly enough the candle to my left was misbehaving. Again no open windows, no interior draft and the right candle wasn’t flickering as intensely as the left. This could and probably is an entirely mundane thing, I’m not considering a flickering candle to be proof of anything, it was just curious that it was behaving in such a way.

I’d certainly say I did achieve what I requested, but not quite in the way I imagined. Within the crystal I saw the distinct shape of the pentagram. Very very very curious. However it did not last long, and the shape disappeared.

Another odd manifestation of note was that above the crystal appeared to be a very small black flame, just slightly above the ball, hovering for fleeting moments.

Something along the lines of that. Just a pure black flame, very small yet very solid. Unfortunately this manifestation didn’t last long, and again dissolved quickly. Curious considering I requested an apparition WITHIN the crystal not outside of it. It was curious all around this evening.

Other than the manifestation of the pentagram and the fleeting appearance of a black flame there is nothing of great importance to note. I’m not dismissing what I’ve encountered, but it just seemed to occur in a way I was not entirely expecting. Naturally I’m not expecting a full physical entity within the crystal, this is only my third week in what will be years of experimentation. So really I’m overjoyed that I’m having such results. This is truly a powerful form of evocation.

I gave my thanks unto the spirit and satisfied with what I had encountered I ended the session. I admit that I am incredibly tired and had no desire to have a prolonged ceremony. Very lazy of me as a magician, but I am only human and need to rest up.

In brief conclusion I am extremely pleased, yet slightly befuddled. Tzadtzikiel requires so much research and experimentation into, so next week I may consider communicating with another celestial spirit. Perhaps I need to leave Tzadtzikiel be, if this spirit is truly my HGA as I thoroughly believe, perhaps it’ll be best to not be so intrusive and find out as much about the spirit as possible. Some mysteries are best left alone.

I truly don’t know, I believe I’m looking for more tangible results and my thinking is that if I evoke a pre-recorded celestial with a known sigil and all appropriate planetary information then I can’t fail. I’m certainly not saying I’m failing, just a gut feeling that I need to move on temporarily. Get better at Trithemius Work with more ‘well known’ spirits then return to Tzadtzikiel when I’m better at this practise. And out of everything I’ve learned within my brief years of existence on this little earth its this; trust your gut.

I shall decide which celestial to work with imminently.

[sociumangelum]

I love reading about your experiences with your guardian angel ! I was just reading your reply to the question about having a strong connection with your angel and was wondering if you could recommend things one could do to strengthen the bond.I feel that mine does so much for me & I really wish I could do more to show my love and appreciation towards them.. but as a human I feel like my options are really limited 3

First of all, I want you to know that it’s okay to feel this way, I certainly have in the past. For a long time I wondered how I could ever show enough appreciation for my guardian for everything he has done and continues to do for me. However, I have many suggestions to help you bond with your guardian angel some more:

The first one is pretty simple: talk to them. I have posted about my method of invocation that works for me in the past, but I will put it in a read more here as well. Now, this can be difficult to practice in a busy lifestyle (I know, trust me) but you would be amazed at how effective this is. Just try twice a day; and you don’t need to try for a deep connection every time you call upon them. Say good morning to them, say goodnight to them. Make moments in your day where you reach out and just speak to them.

If you can, call even more! A few years ago, I devoted a week to my angel and pledged to call upon him seven times a day (I had the time, and how I wish I had that kind of spare time again!). I had no expectation of reward, I simply wanted to spend more time with him; make more time for him, and connect with him. 

Do things with them! Whatever you can do with another human, you can do with your guardian angel in some variation. Call upon them and say you want to spend more time with them; ask them if there’s anything in particular they’d like to do. I read books to and watch films with mine, and I also ask for his recommendations (and as a result I’ve seen films I’d have never otherwise watched!). Perhaps it sounds silly, and you’ll have to feel comfortable with going places by yourself, but you can always share something as simple as a trip to a cafe. Go get a coffee, sit with it, relax, call upon them, just talk to them and share that moment with them. Travel somewhere new with them. Go for a walk with them. Set a goal for yourself and ask your angel to be involved with it; grow a plant together, learn to speak another language and practice with them, read new recipes and call your angel to be involved when you want to get something cooking. Laugh together. Share new experiences together. Grow together. 

Keep them involved with your thoughts and your plans. I learned that my guardian wanted me to speak my mind even though he already knew what was on it. Well, imagine your friend posted on social media about something good that had happened to them that day; we would know the detail and be happy for them, but would be even happier if they took the time to reach out and tell us more, right? This is important to guardian angels, too (and it concerns both negative and positive thoughts - your angel isn’t going to suddenly hate you if you’re angry or sad).

Know that it’s okay to ask for help. Assistance is one of many ways that the guardian angel is naturally able to communicate love, so don’t try to stifle it! If you feel you are taking advantage of them, make time to call upon them and ask for nothing. Tell them you love them and appreciate them.

Make a space for them where you can show your appreciation! This could be in the form of a blog (I have a private blog for my angel where I write poetry, reblog images that remind me of him, quotes, etc. It makes me feel very peaceful looking at it and I know it has been created specifically for him) or something physical like a scrapbook or a series of letters. Create something, and make sure to remember to show / tell your angel what you made for them! 

Something else which can help strengthen your bond is wearing jewellery of some kind. I wear a ring for mine. It’s something physical which is always on you and will remind you of them, and you may feel more connected by combining your thoughts of them with whatever you choose to wear. If you feel anxious during the day for whatever reason, you could hold onto it and remind yourself that your angel is there for you.

Out of all these things, I can’t recommend just talking with them enough. I have a method of invocation that I have been using since the very first day, and I will describe it here (copy pasted from an ask I got years ago). It has allowed me to connect with him and feel his presence on many occasions. Additionally, it is the feeling of his presence that has allowed me to sense when he has come to check on me even without my calling him; I will be busy doing something else and will suddenly feel him around me, which is wonderful!

Invocation Method

I would say that the simplest way of connecting with him/her is invocation (or, perhaps more correctly, “evocation” - I’ve always used the former term so I’ll stick with it for now!). It’s very simple, very powerful, and there are many ways it can be done. All you really need is some quiet time. I started formally invoking around seven years ago and still practice it today. Personally, I prefer not to use anything, but I’ve read that others like to light candles/burn incense/do whatever to help “set the scene”. Just go with whatever feels right! The only thing I would advise is shutting off internal noise as much as possible - this means invoking in the dark, and in silence (making sure you’re not going to be disturbed is also important).

This is the method I suggest, the method that I was taught, but of course you can adapt it to suit your own needs:

In your chosen space, just sit and relax for a bit. Close your eyes, try and quieten your mind. Spend a few minutes this way. You may find your thoughts drifting after some time - try and focus.

Here comes the invocation! A lot of people suggest visualising a white light (or something similar) around you before you start. In reality, I’m not convinced that this has any impact - but that’s only my opinion, so visualise it if you like. When you feel that you’re ready, inhale deeply and simultaneously, in your mind, say “guardian angel, come to me”. Then slowly exhale and say “with love and will, so may it be”. Doing this once is probably enough - but to start with, try repeating the invocation three times.

Now wait for your angel to respond! Sit silently and be aware of yourself as well as your immediate surroundings. It’s important not to push or force anything, let your guardian angel come forward to you. It might happen straight away, it might happen after a while (I can’t tell you what exactly will happen. From what I’ve seen, it differs from person to person).

When the communication is over, and you’ll know when it is, thank your angel and go on with your day!

Just some things to keep in mind: the experience need not be (and probably won’t be) earth-shattering, though it might be! The first time I did this, I had no real idea of what I was doing or what to expect. In truth, I wasn’t certain anything would happen. When my guardian angel actually responded to me, I’ll admit, I was rather frightened. It’s hard to describe the way he manifested. It was like an intense pressure inside my head, it was a sensation I had never felt before. At the time I described it as “dizzy spells” but they weren’t unpleasant; quite the opposite (perhaps the only thing I can compare it to is being in a train as it goes through a tunnel, or in a plane as it starts to descend).

If nothing happens during the invocation - don’t worry! If you’re not really getting any feedback, you can ask your guardian angel for another sign, or try again the following day/night. Remember not to force it, trust that your guardian angel is there. I’ve noticed that something that’s often overlooked is that angels are their own person; that is, they have their own name, personality, interests, and preferred method(s) of communication (as well as thoughts/feelings, etc.). Some methods might work really well, others might not, and some might get easier with time.

Like any human relationship, really getting to know your guardian angel takes time and energy. What I’ve described here is a simple handshake and it only scratches the surface of how you can connect :).

[twistednuns]

November 2021

Four Season films.

Throwing something into my backpack successfully. It was a weird angle and kinda far away so I didn't even expect to strike.

Visiting Marlies and Helga at home. We chatted for more than two hours - it seems like I have two grandma girlfriends now! It's so easy to talk to them. Am I getting old or are they just really cool old(er) ladies?

My short trip to Paris! // Main character vibes / The really nice hotel room with extra comfy bed and crisp bedding (I love it when the blanket has exactly the right weight and and pillows have the perfect height) / The Speakeasy tour - I am so much more extraverted when I'm travelling alone - especially in company of Americans - so I had a really good time with Mike, Goshe, Todd, Felix and Diana! Tasty mezcal drinks, a Peruvian bar, hidden entrances... A lovely night! / Having whole conversations in French, talking to strangers, learning new words (like chausse-pied), ordering at the boulangerie - hoping to pass as a Frenchwoman / Getting a pedicure while sitting in a massage chair / Cat magic: Sash challenged me to take a selfie with a cat while in Paris and I was like, nah, chances are very slim. But then I went into a random café (mainly because I had to pee) and ordered a coffee. I was seated at a shitty table but I was able to move once the gentlemen next to me had left. After a while I noticed that a cat was sleeping next to me, curled up in a box! She was wearing a diamanté collar. So spoiled. I must have manifested her... / Coming home with two bags instead of one - I bought so many amazing things but didn't find what I was actually looking for / being one of the first customers at Café Mori for the evening Okonomiyaki so I got a free glass of wine; I also talked to the friendly guy who was seated next to me and looked through the gorgeous Japanese magazines and books / Musée Rodin (and getting in for free; sometimes - and yet rarely - being an art teacher is actually useful); I love the gorgeous old villa filled with sculptures and this time they even showed some of Picasso's works, too - a cooperation with Musée Picasso / finding an extra cute print of a cat surrounded by autumn leaves at one of the Bouquinistes stalls along the Seine / walking around Montmartre (it's a workout!), taking pictures at a "photocabine" / I actually went to Pink Mamma after seeing all the photos of its gorgeous stairwell online - oh well, at least the ricotta-truffle pizza was very nice / just walking around, enjoying a little bit of sunshine once in a while, looking at art, people, little shops, taking in the atmosphere, hearing and speaking French and eating a croissant d'amandes or two (crazy delicious)

Going out! Like, really going out. Meeting at Frank's, drinking alcohol, standing in line, getting a stamp on your wrist, talking to strangers, buying drinks for everyone, DANCING and singing along! It was probably the first AND last time this year but I really enjoyed it.

Setting a kissing timer for 34 seconds - one second for every year - when we realised that it was already Raphael's birthday at 1am.

A slow Sunday cuddled up on the sofa with a blankie, watching Sleepy Hollow and having breakfast.

All the November fog. Sitting on a train, seeing nothing but a white wall in front of both windows. Chimney smoke. A milky crescent moon right after sunrise. Spooky. I really need to take a walk in the woods.

Katrin's photos from the passenger seat while driving along the Route Napoleon.

A fashion moment. I am obsessed with high-contrast swirl and marble patterns (I actually found two shirts with gemstone pattern at Mango), cool jewellery, headbands (yes, again), turtleneck sweaters, big scarves and chunky Chelsea boots.

My DIY lash lift. Inexpensive and very effective.

Getting up before sunrise. Having a batch of vegan Lebkuchen and homemade granola before 9am.

Truffle butter. What a divine substance. I mean, buying it definitely catapults my right into the danger zone because I risk not being able to stop eating it and making myself sick but man, it's delicious.

Despite my cold (and I actually had to call in sick because I felt like rubbish at first) I had very high energy on the second day, almost like a mania. Why is that? Does feeling guilty for staying home bully me into productivity? Anyway, it seems like the best of both worlds.

Committing to the Olaplex products. I don't want to know what's in that stuff but it makes my hair so nice. Another curious thing: my hear doesn't seem to get greasy anymore and it has stopped falling out as much (both probably not related to the hair products though). Miracles do happen!

New plant friends.

An abundance mindset.

My new eyeshadow palette feels like a Polly Pocket case - it must be the same material.

People adding sax solos to songs that don't need them. Ms. Saxon is my current favourite but this dude doesn't play too shabby either.

Online Catan revival.

Roasted olives.

Feeling pretty. Shiny hair, good make-up, a nice outfit, new shoes. I hate to admit it but it gives me such a confidence boost.

My new swirly black and white phone case.

Meeting Lena and Sash for Korean dinner.

Trying to commit art forgery by recreating a pencil drawing I once saw on the flea market. I regret not buying it but at least I took a photo so now I'm trying to clean it up with Photoship and make a nice print or possibly redraw it myself.

So much baking inspiration! The Great British Bake-Off is probably not completely unblameable (speaking of which, how cool are this year's candidates? I love Giuseppe, Crystelle and Lizzie - and Jürgen is such a nerd, what's not to love). New recipe: vegan coconut macaroons with dark chocolate.

I finally got a subscription the the New Yorker.

Stanley Tucci's memoir Taste - he's the internet's boyfriend and his relations to the Blunt sisters make him even more interesting. I'm planning on ordering a dry Martini next time I'm in a bar!

Doing yoga for the first time in many months. First thing in the morning. Even though that's the them when it hurts the most. I'm so proud of myself!

A walk in the woods in the early morning. Meeting cats and squirrels.

Finishing a book and making calls before work. I love productive mornings.

Raphael usually looks like a burrito when he sleeps, tightly wrapped in a blanket. Cute.

Lovely vegan products at Lidl.

Very pretty sacchettini filled with a mushroom and truffle cream. They looked like little bundles!

Speaking of truffle. I really do have expensive taste. Truffle and roasted pistachio flavoured food is simply irresistible for me.

The new Dexter: New Blood miniseries. It's still so good! Michael C. Hall kinda looks like the Grinch though, very mischievous.

ASMR alert! Watching people throw candy into bowls gives me delicious tingles.

A beautiful jay bird having fun in the tree outside my living room window. The squirrel hopping around on the grass like it owns the place.

A busy morning in the kitchen, taking a shower, going back to bed, cuddling in the sunshine.

Spending time with the whole gang for Sash's b-day. A rare treat these days. Of course we played Krazy Words, too. Sash made extra nice food, I contributed a walnut-amaretto cake. And I got a new green jacket because Sash had cleaned out her closed! Nice.

The Bake-Off final. Giuseppe won and I totally saw it coming. He was my favourite! The credit about Freya's and Lizzie's roadtrip was so emotional, too. Who's crying? I'm not crying. Ahem.

Listening to Christmas songs and 90s hip hop with the kids (who think that kind of music is reeeally old but cool).

A very delicious autumn salad with walnut-miso dressing.

The New Yorker's Name Drop. I'm surprised how often my gut feeling led me to the right person!

My mum sent me a Lindt advent calendar for my name day.

That cheesy Christmas movie on Netflix with a Gilmore-Girls-in-Scotland feeling.

Seeing Raphael's theatre company perform for the first time. I definitely liked the three witches best (of course I did). They even had shifting masks and

Making all the recipes on my list.

A good colour combination I keep repeating: some kind of natural green, a deep yellow and lilac.

James Nestor's book Breath. I'm even more interested in learning breathing techniques and freediving now.

My skin has NEVER been so clear before. Seems like all the serums and chemical peelings are actually working.

Eating a mango at the perfect moment of prime ripeness. With a new brand of delicious cacao nibs.

[jusdanisha]

A Trip Down Memory Lane in Zaldivar

Seems like the universe is getting bigger almost by the minute, and I am getting smaller. When I was a child, I had never met anyone from outside our house in Zaldivar Subdivision. It is a middle-sized area around City Heights with arduous paths and natural spaces, about only a small group of individuals living at peace. I was a homebody, that being so, I never experienced going out to play patintero or tumbang preso, or any classic Filipino street game with some kids my age. It was neither mine nor my parents’ choice, Mama also wanted me to experience a pretty ordinary childhood but unfortunately, I was diagnosed with severe asthma at a young age. My mother said that I inherited it from Lola Besing, my great-grandmother. Heedless of the misfortunes, the company of my family never made me feel alone in the four corners of the room. Up to the time that my Mama had to find herself and suddenly went away, Papa had to leave for work purposes and my older sister Ate Jea continued her studies at Miag-ao, leaving me and my younger sister Che behind, we had to transfer and live half of our lives in Cogonal, a small and serene district in Poblacion, Alabel.

All these years later, Mama decided to go back to our quaint and shuttered former home in Zaldivar and clean up all of the things that were left behind. I never had the opportunity to visit our used to be safe space again. We were all too tied up with our personal lives, I guess we never had the time to think of discarding some of our belongings. Honestly, I was not physically, mentally and emotionally prepared coming back to that house again. While I was busy making revisions for our thesis, my Mom reminded me that we should go back to the old house and declutter. “Mang hipos mo ug manglabay ug mga gamit na di na ninyo kinahanglan”, Mom told us to clear off all the superfluous stuff soon after. Annoyed to death, I could hear that line over almost twice or thrice a month. She also said that I should make sure that my schedule will be free on weekends so that there is no other reason that I could not accompany her and my Ate. Without a doubt, my older sister suggested that we should just avail for cleaning services around City Heights just to lessen the work. It has been already weeks since she came back home from Manila to spend Christmas with us. Mama’s eyes flashed exasperation for a moment, telling us not to spend too much money when we can do it ourselves. These past few months, she would always nag us for spending too much rather than saving. Also, Mom said that we should get some stuff that is still available for use, or else she would sell those old clothes, stuffed toys, bags and pair of shoes to our relatives in Bagacay, a local confined Barangay located also in Alabel. As much as I wanted to tell Mama that I do not have any intentions to go back there, I do not want to be scolded out and upset her once more. I already had too much on my plate that time, I was already thinking about college plans and future career goals as I enter twelfth grade the next few months. I was compelling myself all the while that I just needed to clean and get back to the home right away.

Ever since my Mom came back after she left us, we never had the chance to visit our old house. It was too painful for everyone of us, I presume. Reminiscing all the good times, thinking about how the circumstances would be if she has not left us, there was so much to unpack. I could still remember the day we transferred there, from living in an old cramped apartment to owning a large one story house, it was priceless. Waking up with a peck on the cheek and complete breakfast from Mama, tutoring session every after dinner with Papa when he is not onboard, Ate cooking some foreign delicacies during Saturday night and going all together to church every Sunday, these calm little moments before the storm which are engraved in my heart. On the contrary, looking over the other side was full of grim realities. In between these as good as perfect times, noisy disputes usually marked by anger and distress, screams and whispers that are both equitably blaring for days and nights on end were all heard out. They would tire each other out over the next few days, I take on oneself. I assumed right, Mama and Papa would just ignore each other after those times. If truth to be told, the silence was deafening. When all is said and done, my parents came to a parting of the ways.

On our way to the old house, the aroma of yore lingers as it evokes me a  sense of nostalgia. Rough and grass-covered road, efflorescing flowers with petals of kaleidoscopic hues and century-old two-story houses were still there, I certainly missed this place. Still, it feels like home for me. I suddenly remembered while I was having a conversation with my Mom when I was in sixth grade, I asked her about the origin of this place. She told us that she do not have any clue about its whereabouts, it was just referred by a friend of my father who also lived nearby along with his family. Zaldivar is a good place for a new beginning, one of the most peaceful subdivisions in GenSan as people were only staying indoors but still manage to connect with their neighbors, the couple said. The area is owned by the Zaldivar family, however, they migrated in the United States in view of the fact that living there is a  golden opportunity. Some Filipino families tend to wander in foreign places to live a better life same boat as them, Mama said. This subdivision was like their safety net, in case of having a hard time financially in States. Besides, they told us that this place is perfect for families who are starting anew, wanting to live a peaceful life away from the chaos and pollutants in the downtown. It was like country living in a highly urbanized setting, too good to be true. After almost eight years of living there, I could not deny the fact that Zaldivar is indeed a safe haven for its inhabitants, like how we used to live there before.

When we arrived at the place, Mama immediately told us to go straight in our old rooms and throw away such goods and chattels. By contrast, I instantly headed straight towards my parents’ room, which is my favorite space in the house. I could still see the view of solitary narrow side streets from the window pane, alongside with the natural scenic beauty. This place has not changed over the years, still it looks exactly the same. As much as I wanted to go back home instantly, I started picking up the boxes which contained some dust-filled seafarer essentials. After that, I also saw my Papa’s old clothes, which he used to wear all the time, disarranged. And so, I picked them up first and started to fold them. While I was folding some of his sweaters when he was still in college, I suddenly saw my Mama and Papa’s belongings when they were still high school lovers, which they kept inside a wooden jewellery box. Out of the blue, I went to where my mother is and asked her if she wanted to keep it, she said that I should ask Papa personally nor it depends on me and Ate’s decision because he might lash out on her, which made me dumbfounded. I wanted to ask her about it a long time ago, but I did not have enough courage. Growing up, I was afraid of my own father. He is known for being hot-headed, brusque, and tends to break things like a bear with a sore head when he is not in the mood.

According to Harvard Medical School, anger issues, in what appears like adult temper tantrums, it manifests itself. Throwing objects, picking a fight for no purpose, and aggressive behavior are some of the manifestations of it. Frequently, the meltdowns last less than minutes, as follows, an individual may feel a sense of relief after an outburst, preceded by remorse and humiliation. He has been overworking himself overseas, supposing that it is his own coping mechanism. After a couple of years, he did not come home. At that moment, I wanted to honestly ask him if I should keep or throw their things away, regardless of being keyed up of what he might say. But then, I decided to dial his number, hesitatingly. I was not expecting that he would answer that quick. In a fraction of a second, I asked him if I should keep his, or should I say their things, but then he also said the same thing. I should throw such things that does are not useful anymore, I shivered with fear as I hear his words with its usual outraged tone. He also mentioned about selling the house for it was about time for us to let it go and so on, his expression of views were already gut-wrenching. I had to end the call and immediately throw their things in a black plastic bag. It was already too suffocating for me to stay inside the old house, I was rushing to go home. I needed an air to breathe. This place has not changed over the years, still it feels the same.

On the spur of the moment, I came to think of the reason why is it so hard for me to let go of such things and places where bittersweet memories are on it. A memory hoarder, that is what they used to call me. Having a difficulty discarding or parting with milieu or possessions, regardless of their actual value, I know exactly how it feels. It is a normal human tendency to feel nostalgic from time to time, but, sometimes falling prey to feelings of nostalgia can hinder the progress. Nostalgia is a traitor, a sweet liar, and a feeling too distant yet familiar. It is a guilty pleasure to simmer the aftertaste of every memory stucked in a particular thing, or even a warm and abiding place. Basking in it has never felt so bad. Like how I used to visualize our old house in Zaldivar as a perfect place, but then, it is the exact opposite of what is in my mind and what others used to describe it. I tend to hold onto the fond happenings of the place, but later when I got back, I forgot about how the place felt like when I was a kid. As stated by Jerry Burger, Ph.D., in his research “Returning Home: Reconnecting with Our Childhoods,” returning to an old home is one way of addressing unfinished business from childhood. A childhood home is a certain place where one usually recall his or her never to be forgotten moments throughout life, after all, we must have a closure with those lingering memories. Genuinely marveling at the life I have spent in that particular place, and remembering all sorts of memories – the good, the bad, and everything in between, it was a bittersweet ending. Some things would not go away just because we pretend to forget all about it. Like a fleeting memory, past will always haunt us. 

When we returned back home in Cogonal, I immediately rushed into my bed, bawling my eyes out. For sure Mom knew that I would react like this, leaving me alone for hours. In a split second, all the wounds I once thought were healed are not healed at all. Instead, I dug down deeper into its thin skin, causing it to bleed all over again. After everything we have been through, my parents decided to sell the house where we used to call it our safe space. Guess it was not a good place for a new beginning for our family. At last, living in Zaldivar was a beautiful memory that I had to let go. Beyond everything, still, it feels like home for me. “Mang hipos mo ug manglabay ug mga gamit na di na ninyo kinahanglan”, that would be my Mama’s favorite reminder, she would constantly tell us to throw such things away that are not useful anymore. In the long run, we still have to go back to the place we used to hurt for us to heal and move forward. Just like how we easily discard things when they are unused anymore, we must also leave behind a place to take yourself back to the start. At that moment, I mastered the art of letting go.