#this is the second time this week i've been up before 5 am bc i didn't sleep enough the day before and fell asleep early

[glittercorvid]

the worst part of getting something approaching a sleep schedule is that now my body either wakes up at 7:24 on the dot OR after i've gotten 7 and a half hours of sleep, whichever comes first. so if i fall asleep on the couch at 9:00 that just means my day starts at 4:30 am now

[ckret2]

do you ever get overwhelmed with all the asks you get? i feel like you get a whole lot, with many of them being repetitive or unnecessary lol. sometimes i feel bad sending an ask bc i don’t want to add to your swamped inbox.

I do sometimes need to whap my brain with a newspaper to make it drop the questions, and I am sometimes not successful at whapping it. Brain sees question, feels compulsive need to answer question.

But uh,

don't worry, I don't answer every question I get.

Anyway the reason I get repetitive questions is because the person who sent it didn't see it the last time it got asked—and you know and I know that a guy who got here 5 days ago is NEVER gonna find the answer 8 months and thousands of posts back; why would they even try to look if they don't already know it's been asked before? Heck—why would they even bother to look 2 weeks back if they don't already have any reason to assume their particular question came up that recently?

So I feel like it would be... idk, gatekeepy?? to just ignore repeat questions, like "ohoho, you don't already know? Well that's YOUR fault for not meticulously backreading every single post I've ever written just in case one of the 1,403 posts in my #bill goldilocks cipher tag already covers it! Why should I repeat myself for the second time in half a year! Guards, take this fool away!" It can be frustrating to be asked for the fourth time what Bill's voice sounds like, but like, it's not THEIR fault they didn't happen to see that it'd come up before.

And a lot of the asks I get give me an opportunity to expand on characterization & worldbuilding (like, I didn't bother to think out what Phrancisco's backing band looked like until I was asked about the concert) and show me what kind of questions need answering in fic, so I'd rather get the questions than not.

The only time I get truly annoyed is if the question's answered in my pinned post or if it's answered word-for-word in the very chapter they're asking about lmao.

[ameliora-j]

And I've been thinking about the HC with Hotch where you said he'd ask :“who the fuck do you think you’re talking to like that?” when Princess gets an attitude with him and I'm feral okay 😭 what would lead up to that?

oh i am so so glad you asked bc i’ve been HOPING to elaborate

content: mean dom!hotch, sub!fem!reader, choking, spitting, age gap (reader is in their 20’s), 18+ only!

you had been on edge, frustrated all week. with work and grad school assignments on top of that, and you had barely seen aaron lately due to both of your busy schedules. you had a final paper coming up, and you were sitting in his home office writing it up. 50 pages, double spaced, droning on and on and on about the legal analysis of the key goals of the constitution of the united states and how it conflicts with today’s law practices and blah blah blah blah blah.

your head was pounding with a migraine and the words on your paper had become blurred. you were near tears as the burnout was slowly creeping it’s way up your neck and into the back of your head. you took a deep breath, rolled your neck and sighed as you stretched, cracking your back. you heard a gentle tap on the door and then the creaking of the hinges as it opened. “hey, sweetheart? it’s nearly 1am… you almost done?” aaron asks softly as he peeks his head through the door.

“not even close” you mumble, not looking away from your laptop where you were currently restarting the paragraph you were on for the umpteenth time in a row.

he frowns at that, stepping over and gently stroking your hair. “do you want to take a break?” he asks, to which you shake your head. “okay hun, i’ll check back in a while” he leans down and presses a kiss to your forehead.

that night, you don’t climb into bed beside him until 3am. his alarm goes off at 5:30, and you wake with him. while he gets ready for work, you go to his home office and start up again on your report. you’re grumpy now, and even more frustrated both due to your lack of sleep.

you don’t mean to.. truly, you don’t. but you take it out on aaron. he calls to you, asking where his things are, as he usually does in the morning, while you call replies back, focusing on your laptop. he’s nearly ready when he pops his head into the door. “hey sweetheart, have you seen my gucci tie?” he prompts gently “the blue silk one that you got me for my last birthday?”

it’s what causes you to snap. it was such a simple question, and you felt so bad about it, but you’re emotions were on high right now. “i don’t fucking know aaron, have you ever considered opening your goddamn eyes and fucking looking for it? i’m not your damn mother nor am i the keeper of your belongings. you’re a big boy, so figure it the fuck out and quit bothering me!” you shout.

aaron is stunned, his eyebrows are raised as he looks at you in both shock and concern. he slowly walks over, his dress shoes clicking against the hardwood as he approaches. he’s silent as he spins the chair so that you’re facing him. you’re ready to snap again, but before you have a chance to make even a sound, his right hand it wrapping tightly around your throat and you’re letting out a quiet moan. “who the fuck do you think you’re talking to like that?” he growls lowly, raising a challenging brow.

all your words die on your tongue and your attitude immediately dissipates as you pout up at him. “i’m sorry daddy…” you whisper quietly, to which he nods.

“there’s my good girl. for a second i was worried i’d have to spank her out of you” he hums. he leans over your body and your mouth opens on instinct, allowing his spit to trail from his mouth and down onto your tongue. “let’s try that again, shall we?” he hums. you’re nodding along dumbly as he speaks, and he smiles at how quickly he was able to turn his smart law student into a dumb, brainless, wordless princess.

“sweetheart…” he begins in that low, taunting voice that never fails to make your thighs clench. “have you seen my gucci tie? the blue silk one that you got me for my last birthday?” he prompts once more with a cocky smile.

“it’s in the toy drawer from the last time you used it to tie me up, sir” you whisper softly. he smiles, still holding your throat as he leans down to press a gentle kiss to your lips.

“thank you pretty girl” he whispers softly. “now,” he hums, reaching behind you, making sure to save your work before he closes his laptop. “i’m going to call my team, and tell them all not to come in until 12. and you’re gonna come with me, and we’re going to go back to sleep, okay?” he whispers.

“but i-“ you begin to argue, but he’s squeezing your throat tighter and you’re moaning.

“it wasn’t a question” he says lowly. it’s the voice that never fails to turn you to mush and make you do whatever he says.

“yes, sir” you whisper, and within seconds you’re standing and allowing aaron to tug you towards the bedroom as he calls the team to let them know they don’t have to come in until later.

don’t worry, he fixes the puddle in your panties before pulling you into his naked chest and letting you fall asleep on top of him ;)

[suratan-zir]

I am just curious about how Ravlyk is doing? And if any progress has been made with Gronk?

references: Gronk the house mouse, Ravlyk the new rat

Hey, I hope you don't mind me replying publicly, just in case anyone else is curious.

Let's start with the sad news. Gronk was found a few days ago dead on the bathroom floor, she (it was a girl) never fell for any of the traps. There were no signs of injuries, so it was probably not the cats. I keep the live traps set but they haven't caught anyone so far.

Now to the better news. The new ratty boy is alive and doing great. The name Ravlyk didn't stick though, and my partner didn't like it, so after a few days we finally decided to name him Syrnyk (Сирник).

It's a Slavic dessert, pancakes made of sweet cottage cheese, served either with sour cream (the superior version) or with jam (the objectively worse version).

edit: tumblr wasn't showing this post in the feed so I had to upload the video on youtube to fix it :(

Since he's still a baby, the medication worked on him really quick. I haven't filmed any of his worse respiratory distress moments, but even in the treat video you can see that, although not suffocating, he's not breathing that easily. But it's all gone now, another week on meds and he's officially healthy.

магазин розетка не платив мені за рекламу, чекаю на пропозицію

He came out of his shell very quickly. Started licking my hands on the day two, playing in about three days. I still didn't want to share his photos or videos because I have this fear…that introduction might go wrong and Skritch will kill or seriously injure him.

Skritch is unlike any other rat I've had before. He is just something else, I don't know what to expect from him. He haven't yet met Syrnyk face to face, although their cages are close enough to smell but not to touch each other. And Skritch is mad as can be. No matter how much experience or knowledge I have, it takes only a second for Skritch to bite, and he often shows no warning signs. I will not forgive myself if Skritch kills the little Syrnyk. So I'm waiting for a moment when I feel like Skritch is ready and not as mad as he is now. It's sad that the baby has to live all alone though.

Syrnyk already met Baton and Cactus, they get along extremely well. Syrnyk has absolutely no fear of other rats, even much bigger than him, so he just goofs around and tries to play with them. They're not interested, of course, but at least Cactus got groomed by another rat for the first time in a long time. Baton and Skritch never groom him, and he desparately needs it, he has a brain tumor for almost 5 months now, and sometimes his fur under the chin and on his back gets crusty (he hates when I try to clean him). So Syrnyk helped him with that.

I have no good photos of Syrnyk. Only these.

maybe the post doesn't show up bc of the photos? hold up

update: seriously tumblr? offended by rat balls? lol

[feuqueerfire]

Wandee Goodday Ep 7 Live Blogging

Whoop whoop 2nd week in a row that I'm managing to watch the show right after it airs. Although I did consider not watching it for 1-2 days so that I can finish my binge watch of Unknown (I'm so excited to see petty Yuan in ep 8 heh) but thought I should just watch this one before I find out everything that happens through tumblr and twitter posts.

I'm in sort of an angsty mood, esp after the last few Unknown eps that I've watched, so I'm expecting some angst here too. Eps 5-6 of Wandee have been happy and fun while they ignore their feelings and problems, so I need some of that to burst and cause issues.

Ep 7 (June 15)

7-1

showing a little support for psychiatry, though idk how helpful it is to make somebody go when they don't really wanna go

Does Yak want a mouth kiss if he wins?

Yak finds a photo of Ter and Dee in a book and it casts doubt in his mind ig

ohhh Dee was planning on throwing it out but in the end kept it and he had even written "love Dr. Ter the most" on the back

pls Kao's frustration as the audience stand-in

"...might lead to losing them"

Did Ter hear the part that gives away that they're not real bfs

well, he knows they're not dating fr anyway but still the audacity to confront Yak like this

Ter using his knowledge about Dee gained for the past 8 years against Yak, agh. like you knew him all this time and must have known he liked you and yet now that he's finally moving on, you can somehow take action? piss off

both Unknown and Wandee have boxing

what is up with these grown ass adults not being able to live without seeing each other for a few days T.T you shouldn't even be thinking of not going to Japan bc you won't see Yak for a couple days

Why is Dee basically he sniffing Yak's armpit in the gym showers

7-2

Yei just watching Yak sneak out lmfao

fuck I think Ter's gonna somehow be here? I didn't watch the preview but I saw a screencap of Ter and Dee while Dee was in the tiger outfit or whatever, though I think somebody mentioned it was at Ter's place

speak of the devil...

oh, Yak's got a keycard to Dee's place, did we know that?

why is Dee at Ter's bruh

let's fucking kill Ter, I actually cannot anymore

I do think it's funny how neither of them are commenting on Dee's literal tiger sex roleplay costume lmao he's even got a headband!

Dee needs to snap out of it, get up, and leeeeeaaaave

now Kao is here too?

the costume isn't for you to appreciate, Ter stoppppp >:((((

why the fuckkkk did Ter start leaning in, I actually need this man dead and gone, get off my damn screen

and then spilling wine on himself and wanting Dee to help cleanup and now he's practically naked in his fucking boxers, I wish I could be normal about just disliking Ter but I am immature about my hatred for him the same way he's immature about his ways trying to get Dee

TER IS OPENING THE DOOR IN HIS BOXERS?!?!? AND DEE'S ALSO IN HIS TIGER COSTUME IM GONNA LOSE MY SHIT AGHHH

[Linguistics] oh damn Yak uses meung with Ter in anger

aw man T.T I get Yak, why did Dee say Yak always uses violence? I don't recall Yak being violent before this???

Yak breaking up, returning the keycard, taking the necklace back, ouchhhhhhhhh

Yak leaning on Taem

Aw man, Dee being sad at the necklace being gone

I think I would like it if for the rest of the ep + some of next ep, they're separate about doing their own stuff and missing each other and spending time with Ter & Taem only to realize they don't feel the same as they used to and when they come together again (hopefully sometimes next ep, I don't want it to be solved this ep tbh), it's with real feelings and confession. I think I also want Dee to confess/start the conversation since he's the one who fucked up (I know I ragged on Ter but how did Dee even let it go through all those steps omg)

fuck I saw 1 second of the preview and aghhhh I hate Ter, who could've guessed. I have some stuff to do so I'll be back for the next 2 parts later, though they're quite short compared to the first two parts.

7-3

back to watching but I'm having lunch so I probably won't type much

T.T

Ter realized his feelings alright. i don't know that i believe you lol, though maybe it's true since Ter's drunk while he's saying it

okay Ter accidentally fell, I thought he was gonna attack Dee from the 0.2 sec preview

dang, Yak's the one who leaned back and didn't kiss Taem. It seems like Taem wouldn't have been opposed to it?? Did she fall for him some time in the past few eps

7-4

oops was checking at the bottom timing bar how many minutes the show actually is before previews start (9mins) but got spoiled for the last scene of the ep

Damn, Yak's imagination of Dee and TEr really has him facing a humiliating defeat against Luke's character

I get P'Yei like despite everything going on in Yak's life, this is still his job and him winning was necessary for himself, the gym, money, etc. or at least put up a fair fight, not whatever that was bc of a fight with his fwb-fake bf that he has real feelings for

Aw, Wandee came back immediately and found Yak at his favourite place or whatever

Yak crying nooo

why am I suddenly paranoid that this is also Yak's imagination lmao

ah, indeed Yak had asked for Dee's first kiss

and Dee kisses him even though he lost

the kisses are mid but it's fine

damn, a hospital ball next ep? and how is Ter even in the show still wtf

I wanted angst and sadness and I got that but the way we got there was fairly contrived. Ter's sliminess I understand but Dee going through so many steps without just... leaving is like ?? I get that he may still have feelings for Ter that makes him not think straight or whatever but c'mon... am I supposed to believe Dee would actually go to Ter's place and have dinner there in his fucking sex roleplay clothes that he put on to have a candlelit dinner with Yak? and the violence comment was like... no? Yak's pathetic fight was also like... why.

The first kiss was also not impactful because we've established for 7 episodes that it's something very monumental to Dee + it's something that he wants to do with only somebody he really likes, so to have it 1) be a "consolation prize" and 2) come before they discuss their feelings or anything is resolved feels incomplete. It's not a grand or romantic moment the way their first kiss should have been. I don't wanna go back to goofy dance show or whatever next ep...

idk, this ep was a bit of disappointment in terms of storytelling and the way we're exploring emotions, I hope they can turn it around. They have 5 more episodes and so theoretically they have time to do stuff well but also... they have time to drag everything out lol

The necklace though T.T

[memberment]

Good evening

Guys I just got home from work and proofread everything I needed to including this next Dandelion chapter and I'm trying so hard not to just fucking SOB over it.

I hate it here I want out LMFAOOOOOOO THIS IS SO SAD WHY DID I WRITE THIS FR

10:59 update......

I'm thinking about an absolutely diabolical twist for the Trin series(it doesn't actually change the story in any way, if anything it actually makes it make so much more sense). Like, I've been ruminating on it since last night but idk if it's gonna throw people off. But at the same time like part twos and threes never do as good anyways so do I really even care?? Like, I'm just out here telling stories in fanfic font bc I would rather throw myself in the street than make OCs and not share my fun little stories.

I think I may commit to it.

I don't wanna say it on here though bc it's one of those plot twists you get will not forget even though part three is like FOREVER out.

The more I think about it the more I wanna do it. Someone tell me I should do it.

Oh my god I am shutting up and finishing reading Dandelion, y'all will hear my virtual screams in approximately one and a half business hours.

(11:43) I'm actually fucking sobbing and I didn't even start the last few chapters. Like, I'm actually crying over this. It's not funny.

(12:00) Never by mag lo coming on while I'm finishing up reading this is not funny. I'm devastated. I hope you all hate me after this oh my god I feel like I just ruined my own life. WHY IS IT SO MUCH WORSE AFTER BEING DONE WITH THIS FIC FOR ALMOST TWO MONTHS. Jesus Christ. Yeah. No more angst from me for a long while. I'm banned.

(12:20) Me skimming through tags on fics debating if I want to pick up something new. Everything being totally normal. Suh happy. Trying not to stew in my own misery. And then I see such a vile tag my stomach twists and now I'm just like okay I'll go fuck myself I guess I'll go write or do my homework. I'm sorry, I adore ao3 and I'm never gonna be a hater, BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE WILD. LIKE I AM TALKING SO BAD I'M ACTUALLY CONSIDERING DOING MY HOMEWORK OVER THAT. LIKE I ACTUALLY JUST WIPED THE TEARS OFF MY FACE AND GOT OVER HOW SAD I WAS BECAUSE OF HOW GENUINELY SHOCKED I WAS. Like wow oh wow.

Anyways. Updates here if there's gonna be any. Also Dandelions up if anyones reading this LMAO

It's 1:40 in the morning and the beginning of Morning Glory is making me fucking unwell. I was not joking when I made that joke about like ten dreaded weeks of angst, Jesus Christ.

(2:12) This is my second time posting this exact part. Like I know I've posted this exact part. But I seriously love Christophe and all of his dialogue with my whole heart.

(4:31) I do not recall making Dova this tragic and I'm literally about to sob over him. LIKE WHY???? WHY DID I DO THAT??? WHY ARE HIS LITTLE SUBTLE BITS OF STORYLINE SO ACTUALLY PAINFUL AS THE STORY GOES ON????? (I am allergic to happiness I am my own canon event at this point)

(4:48) THE ABSOLUTE DEVASTATION THAT COMES WITH WANTING MORE STORY BUT IT SIMPLY NOT EXISTING BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO WRITE IT IS DEVASTATING.

(5:02) Welp. I'm ruined and am now compelled by god to start working on Morning Glory again. We're at 73k rn. And only two chapters that aren't the prologue are under 4k. That's fucking terrifying. Like I have 17 minus the prologue rn. WE ARE LITERALLY THREE CHAPTERS AWAY FROM THE FOURTH OF JULY. THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ANOTHER 16/17 OF SUMMER ALONE. AND THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE AT LEAST ANOTHER 14 AFTER THAT. LIKE THE 14 ARE THE PLANNED SPECIFIC EVENT CHAPTERS. BRUH. WHY DID I DO THIS????

regret.

regret is all I feel.

but I will push through.

(7:38) before I go to bed I will just say I am at 75.3k. I had no idea how I would even get close to 4k on a birthday chapter where the group effectively decided to just stay home and hang out. But now there is like 1.5k of them playing muffin time. It's wild. I love it. GOOD NIGHT.

[wttcsms]

sorry if you're not comfortable answering this, but I saw you say that you've been diagnosed with depression. how did you know when to seek help?

tl;dr: from a young age, i never lived a healthy lifestyle with an easy pace. i (and maybe even my family) put too much pressure on me, and i never really coped with it in a healthy manner. my attempt at handling things "with ease" and "not stressing" was actually just me bottling up my emotions, and it's not until things started getting really bad that i finally sought help.

nothing uncomfy abt it at all! discussion of mental health is pretty important! tbh, i never thought i would have depression or be diagnosed with it; i started showing symptoms for around a year before i started really thinking to myself, hey, i think there might be something up with me mentally and this isn't just some silly, quirky thing i'm going through. ever since i was around 18, i went through great lengths to ensure i would achieve maximum academic success but while being a full-time college student and consistently working 60+ hours a week (70+ during the summer bc my junior year internship was so intense; i also went to college 2 years early, so i think that's when the internal pressure to "do well in life" began) was taking a massive toll on me mentally and physically. i would survive off of 4-5 hours of sleep, consume concerning amounts of caffeine, i was losing hair, i was losing drastic amounts of weight, i was breaking out and breaking down, and even when i got better, i still wasn't fully ever healed from that experience purely bc my schedule just never slowed down.

i am still a full-time student, i am still working 7 days a week, leading to 60+ hours (40 hours internship, 20 hours at my weekend part-time job). on top of that, i am in the second to last semester of my grad school, i help out around the house bc after my older sister moved out, i took over the eldest daughter duties, i am still holding myself to a very high standard academically (already planning to apply to phd programs, studying for the cpa exam, already have another summer internship lined up). i knew things were getting bad because 1) i am finally older (im abt to turn 21! yay!) and i realized that the lifestyle i'm living isn't healthy and 2) a lot of my behaviors didn't feel "normal" to me anymore. it finally hit me around two months ago, when i realized that i sort of lost my love for fanfiction. i've been in a weird mood where i didn't want to read any fanfic whatsoever, but i chalked it up to being "too busy" and focused on other things. when i couldn't even find the energy to read my own mutual's fanfic, i knew something was up bc i always try to power through and remain enthusiastic on my friends' behalf. more behaviors that were a cause for concern:

my disinterest in everything that brought me joy previously. sweet treats at the end of the day, coffee before work, buying makeup from sephora, cleaning my room (sounds silly, but i love having a clean living space and cleaning my room used to be a source of peace and joy for me), writing fanfiction, reading books, watching youtube videos, catching up on shows that would release weekly and that i used to count down the days to watch — none of it held my interest. i wasn't excited, i didn't care.

it wasn't just a lack of joy from things i loved, either. rejections from programs i looked forward to/rejections from opportunities, abysmal grades in class, looming deadlines that i most likely wouldn't make, growing assignments on my work to-do list; none of this elicited a reaction from me. there was no stress (that i was feeling; subconsciously, i think the stress was still there and i just refused to acknowledge it), but there also wasn't disappointment or sadness. i had no emotional response to anything, and that was very concerning to me, and the main reason i contacted my sister and then her boyfriend (who is a licensed psychiatrist)

i could sleep for 12+ hours a day. there are many days in the week where all i want to do is rot in bed. not even in a "go on my phone and dick around in bed" type of way, either. i would have certain days where i couldn't leave the bed. sometimes, i wouldn't even feel tired, but i would just sleep. my internship is wfh and if it was a slow day with no assignments, i would clock in and spend that whole day in my bed, sleeping. it got to the point where i wish work was busy so i would have something to force me out of bed. yes, i would be aware of my tiredness sometimes, but this felt different altogether. i just wanted to basically hibernate lol.

i had constant headaches. i thought it was because of the nature of my job, where i look at computer screens all day, or maybe it was bc i wasn't drinking enough water. i would also get unexplainable cramps sometimes.

tmi, but little to no pleasure and an extreme decline in interest in sex

i had extreme issues with focusing on work and studying; a lot of my work (and school materials) centers around thinking through problems and applying tax law or guidance to certain situations.

my diet fluctuated; some days, i wouldn't want to eat, yesterday, i gorged myself on food, eating to the point where even i had to pause and go wtf.

not very often was i randomly sad, nor did i ever want to kill myself or self-harm; when i was a teenager (17/18) and probably showing signs of depression, i was very irritable, angry, sad, and had suicidal thoughts, thought i was worthless, an idiot, etc. however, i mostly just feel empty and apathetic during my episodes now.

what helped me seek help was knowing that my behaviors and how i was feeling didn't feel healthy, but also, my best friend recently shared her diagnosis with me and i would have never thought she would be depressed. my sister's bf was also a major help in getting me comfortable to consider the possibility of having a mental illness and also in finding someone to talk to. hope this helps!

edit: forgot to mention it, but i exhibited many/all of those symptoms for around the past 3 months before ever seeking help. those behaviors started manifesting tremendously and seriously disrupting my daily life, and i knew i needed to do something to get my life back on track.

[sarah-sandwich-writes]

20 Questions - Fanfic Writer Edition

I was tagged by both @writer-or-whatever and @jmrothwell so I suppose I better do it 😅 Thanks guys!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 42 (*gasp* am I Miles Morales?)

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 1,265,660 lol

3. What fandoms do you write for? currently just Spider-Man but I used to write for Supernatural and before that Harry Potter. I'm a one obsession at a time kinda girl.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Paradise (spread out with a butter knife) - 72k spideypool soulmates au

Don't Freak Out - 136k parkner rivals to lovers speedrun

A Peach Like You - 73k parkner featuring autistic!peter, loveatfirstsight!harley, and a cringe self insert as the villain of the week lmao

The Distance Between (You and Me) - 29k parkner bodyguard au

You're Freaking Out - 166k sequel to DFO featuring plot (wow!) and Miles (yay!)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

My dudes I try. I know I'm not very consistent and I have a tendency to disappear for months at a time, but I read and cherish each one.

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't really do angsty endings lol I think the closest I've gotten is Lay Me Down - 8k destiel major character death--lowest kudosed fic out of all 42 lmao

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

This is an impossible question. I am like the queen of happy endings? You want me to rank them??? Fine, it's You're Freaking Out. Best 10k epilogue in the land. Oh hey also I just noticed it has 997 kudos. May I humbly request 3 more pretty please?

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No. Closest was when someone complained on one of my destiel fics about the grocery store not having plastic bags and needing a quarter in order to obtain a cart. I specifically remember they said, "I hate when writers do this," and went on to complain about us making up obviously fake stuff that pulls them out of the story. Like, first of all you're complaining about storytellers making stuff up ??? okay. And second, it was an Aldi. A real grocery store. That I didn't make up.

I had to take a day to cool off before I responded and then they were like oh yeah, my roommate told me when I complained to them, you responded to this really nicely though! WHICH folks LET ME TELL YOU made me angrier lol Like you found out you were wrong and didn't even come back to edit/delete/apologize for your comment???

Anyway after that I internalized that you don't know what kind of lived experience your commenters have so some comments should be taken with a grain of salt. Which is a double-edged sword bc sometimes I get really nice enthusiastic comments and read it like, okay but what if this person is 12 and read it at 2am in a fit of delirium and this is their first fic ever and it's actually not as good as they think haha

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I doooo. I haven't published any since I wrote for spn but I have a parkner pwp ready to go as soon as I muster up the nerve.

I have no idea how to interpret the question "what kind" lol uhhh the hot kind? pffft

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I have but I never published them. Again, these were for spn which is hella fun to play with merging into other canon. I started but never finished spn crossovers with Firefly, The 100, The Hunger Games, Criminal Minds, Agents of Shield, and Teen Wolf. I think that's all of them. I've been thinking about putting all of my abandoned wips on AO3 for archive purposes, but idk still noodling on it. I wish there way a way I could elect to post without notifying my subscribers :/ Or at least send them a message warning them that I'm about to be incredibly annoying

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of 🙃

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes!! A few now! The ultimate kudo in my opinion, and one I never expected <3

The wonderful @bluettspetal has translated An Insignificant Problem, Undercover? I thought you said under covers..., and Completely and utterly devoid of sex appeal into Russian with plans to translate more.

And Faaayeee42 on AO3 translated Paradise (spread out with a butter knife) to Mandarin Chinese.

I'm forever blown away by this.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope! Done some brainstorming a few times but nothing that has evolved into actually writing out a shared thing. Not sure I'd be any good at it tbh. I'd probably be a very frustrating writing partner.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Peter Parker/Harley Keener. They're good boys.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

My Infinity War time travel fix it (make it worse) fic 😔 It's got so much potential but it is perpetually at the bottom of the to-do list.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue and developing relationships

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

mother fucking action sequences and like, coming up with The Plan (the evil kind and the ones to take down the evil kind)

This silly little graphic I made for You're Freaking Out where Harley mocks The Plan made by the spider dumplin gang was initially one half of my brain negging the other half about being shit at making Plans and I decided that it might as well manifest as the characters lmao

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Eh. It's fanfiction, you know? Do what you want. Experiment. Try your best to do it justice. Accept that some people are going to let their eyes blur and skim over it while others will pick it apart but most will exist somewhere in the middle. Just write what you want to write, how you want to write it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

*sigh* Harry Potter. Looking forward to my own post getting gobbled up by my block list lmao

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Goodness gracious how do I even decide? I think Peaches Ain't Pretty is my favorite. It's the fic that showed me beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can step outside of fanfiction and write whatever I want and be just as satisfied, if not more.

[cr0ftisprocrastinating]

Crofty! My favorite and beloved academia Dramione writer! Will you be a student again this year? What is the back to school season like for you?

I also want to ask, how do you set intentions for the beginning of the semester/school year and make sure that you stay committed to them? How do you balance separate writing projects with your coursework?

In addition, would you be willing to share advice for a reader halfway through her undergraduate degree? For context, I’ve had some rough setbacks in my first two years, but I’m really eager to prove myself. I want to build back my GPA and earn my way into a humanities PhD program.

Thanks so much! I hope your academic years are wonderful (in the true old meaning of the word!) and give you great joy, wisdom and inspiration.

#ADHDinacademia #PhD #dramione #darkacademia #hogwarts #oxford #oxbridge #ivyleague #columbia #manuscript #marauder #hermionegranger #undergradwoes #lumos

Sweet Piedra! Happy September, aka the best month of the whole year! (it may or may not include my birthday).

I will be a student this year again! I'm just about to start my second year as a phd student (programs in the UK are usually 3-4 years, so I'm nearly halfway through already?!).

The biggest advice I can give about studying is firstly: wanting to do well is the first step to doing well in anything, so you are already a good chunk of the way there!

2. pick things that you are naturally interested in (for option papers). Life is a hell of a lot easier when you're not making it harder for yourself, even if you think you *should* be studying something bc it sounds impressive (personally, I am not into Russian Literature at all, so I just don't force myself to slog through Crime and Punishment, etc. This simple realisation improved my life by at least 100%)

3. Do as much reading as you can. When I did my undergrad I was so surprised at how little reading people did lol, and doing the reading makes a big difference. The Professors have made the reading lists for a reason and they want to help you.

4. Utilise office hours! It took me ages to realise that I can just...go to the office hours and talk to the people who were teaching me. Go in person if you can. Talk them through your essay plans and they will course correct before they're marked. Let them know that you're interested in pursuing it further, and find out what they think you need to do to fill in any gaps you may have. Don't be discouraged if they're short with you, bc academics are a weird bunch.

5. Try not to be so focused on an end result that you forget to enjoy what you're doing right now. Romanticise the hell out of your life whenever you can. It's short!

In terms of my 'process' (sorry this is SO long):

This term is going to be pretty hectic! In addition to my PhD I work Tuesdays and Wednesdays at a corporate job to help pay the bills. I have funding, but funding in the arts is just...not enough.

I will also be teaching this semester for the first time ever (yay!) so I have reading lists and essay questions to put together before Oct. That's every other week though, so it's not too much work.

My supervisors and I try to get a 'chunk' of my thesis written a term (8-10k roughly). I have about 8k due at the end of this month as I have written 2 chunks over the summer, and will have another due at the end of term in Dec.

Also, I've been asked to give a talk about my research at the end of the semester which I am SO excited about, but it means I'll be adapting one of my thesis chapters for that, too! :)

Broadly speaking I do fanfic writing Tuesday and Wednesday evenings, as after grown-up-job-things my brain is too toasted for academic work. When I'm getting to the end of a story however I get real itchy fingers and have to get all the words out as quickly as possible, so I let a lot of other things slide, like cleaning or cooking or washing my hair or also doing my work. Gross, I know, but I've never been particularly functional when I have an idea in my head.

However, I do believe that if you are busy then you are more productive. I have 2 modes: INSANE or blob. I do not recommend this approach, but that is just the way that I'm wired. Today, for instance, I spent the entire day in bed. Tomorrow I really must go back to the library.

Oxford terms are only 8 weeks long, and honestly no matter how prepared I am at the beginning, by halfway through I'm clinging on by a thread. I try not to be too hard on myself when that happens, and focus on getting my work done and not keeping my house clean or whatever else I've decided to beat myself up about.

My username is about procrastinating for a reason. I just kind of productively procrastinate and then at some point everything just gets done?

Some personal mantras:

'everything in moderation, including moderation'

'say yes and figure it out later'

'the work comes first' (normally I say this to try and galvanize myself into staying in the library when I want to go to the pub)

'fuck it' (said when the pub wins out)

'it'll get done, because it has to' (said when I have a week to write 4,000 words because i've procrastinated too close to the sun, again)

[thepolyamorouspolymath]

Ok, so I may have buried the lead there on my life as to why no one has heard from me in forever -- first thing is because my every weekend is being spent with the guy that every guy I've ever gushed about pretended to be. I'm going to call him Bard, bc he will LOVE that. Yes, this guy is great enough I am even giving him a loving handle here.

It's not even like big huge shit -- he's just honest, and reassuring, and considerate, and respects me, and he listens and he coddles me on the shit that's not really important to make me feel secure while standing up to me on the shit that is to find a compromise (like his schedule sucks, and his two days off he hosts DND every other week and has band practice the other, and I'm like there's no time for me, just fitting me in -- didn't drop either but we agreed to pause them for 6 weeks to give us time to spend together to make me feel secure, and then I could come with or hang out in the other room if I chose, and non DND weekends or sometimes Saturdays can be spent at my place, not always his. Like he wants us both to have our lives but he gets I'm scarred and so willing to show me first -- with a clock -- that I matter by giving me a window to settle in). He met my older kids and brought Oldest a birthday present, and Boy Thing had been giving shit about the last guy who wanted to impress him sent a fruit basket. This adorable man had no clue what goes in a fruit basket (his first thought were melons) or what fruit baskets were so he bought the apples and oranges and kiwis and put them in a medium laundry basket. Boy Thing straight up laughed out loud at the sight, it was perfect. Every time he left my room, he'd be gone like at least half an hour -- the bathroom is like a 90 second walk max -- bc he and Oldest would get chatting about gaming.

He tells me I'm sexy and I'm beautiful but he also compliments things like how I make him feel understood, how I communicate. He knows I'm perfectly capable of defending myself if insulted or offended but also doesn't think I should ever have to.

And yes, the sex is fantastic and in a way that's fucking revelatory. He tries my kinks even if he's internally a bit iffy on the idea, bc he trusts its OK if he stops as soon as he doesn't like something (thankfully he's liked them all so far, initiating them at times now.) I had to red bc of something he said while I was going down on him, after trying to convince myself I was overreacting (bc honestly it was nothing bad, and would normally not have even fucking blipped my radar) and when I did, he immediately dropped out of the scene and sex and into taking care of me and what was it that triggered me and what came up and not only did I not get any pressure but not even any guilt -- like I knew he meant every word that all he cared about was me. I can initiate with him without feeling paralyzing fear of rejection bc there's zero mind games, zero manipulations.

The first weekend, we hadn't decided to spend the whole weekend together -- we were just going on a bookstore. We spent it all in bed, but not just fucking, we were talking. And the fucking? He couldn't cum. Even had a tough time staying hard. And for the first time in my life it was OK. Normally a guy can't, and it fucks with my insecurities so much that like no, I don't even want to be there. But instead we did everything we could and both reassured the other that it was fantastic -- bc it truly was -- and not an issue. Problem resolved but he's said like he wouldn't even think to mention orgasms if anyone asked him about that weekend that it was like 4 days of the best sex of his life, like how it can be hard to cum while rolling but the sex is amazing.

After I red'd out during the first time I was giving him head (it's a thing for him, but I'd been refusing bc he'd eaten asparagus and I warned him every such occasion would be followed by at least 5 days before his dick came in contact with my mouth again bc it makes semen taste just the worst). Going another round later in a roleplaying scene, he broke character a bit to ask about head, I said I didn't want to risk another round of sex derailed bc I got triggered since it'd just been earlier that day, he's like yeah totally get that, and both back into character and having a blast. I'm completely comfortable naked around him even if my legs have stubble, but in a sexy way, and never ever boring!

He's a musician, guitarist and bassist. He's a nerd. I recommended a book, and he immediately was going to buy a copy and I offered to loan him mine (a fave book of mine) and he has been slowly but diligently reading it and says it's better bc it's my copy and looking at it's broken to shit spine and pages that have been dog eared a million times just makes him love it more bc I love it. He wants me to come to band practice (if I can behave lol) and to join the party at dnd (if I can behave lol -- to be fair, those are my caveats, not his) but also wants to paint with me and take pottery class with me, and write a metal track that can be belly danced to (bc metal is very masculine in the tantra vibe sense, not the gender roles way, while belly dancing is pure divine feminine -- never meant to seduce, it was by women for women -- and I think that juxtaposition would be fucking amazing if we get it right) and likes hanging out with my kids (Oldest made him a dice set) and respects my relationship with B, and tells all his friends about me and wants me to meet everyone and is more worried that I like them than that they like me. He makes terrible jokes that crack me up. He sits through my storms with me. He understands that I push people away and am the poster child for trust issues and hangs through all my bullshit.

He would never want to hurt me, like truly, but also never lies to me to spare me.

We will literally spend hours past when he should be in bed for work on the phone, to the point that I, Little Miss Time is a Construct, have started watching the clock for time so he can get his sleep and I don't resent it bc he's so great about setting the boundary of he wants to stay up with me but has to sleep or will be late for work, and when we go over never blames me or resents me, but owns that he chose to do so bc he was loving it.

Yeah, I might be more than a little gone over him.

[philtstone]

Writer asks! 3, 6, 10, 16!

im soooo late to replying to this but. thank you beloved and here we go

#3 What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

this is such a hard and mean question but here are some top contenders:

"easy, easy (my man and me)" - claire and jamie build a treehouse in the backyard. it came to me so effortlessly and i am still proud of the prose. also i sent it to my beloved high school english teacher and he loved it which makes it special! i don't think he realized it was fanfic lol

"hopeful." - sam and bucky accidentally adopt a bunch of super kids in the sort-of apocalypse. not prosaically perfect necessarily but my first ever completed chapter fic! i put a lot of myself into this one and it got me through a pretty tough year emotionally, and on top of that im actually proud of it!

"my daddy was a prominent frogman" - frodo baggins and his friends try to save their hippie summer camp from the evil industrialists. listen. this au is evergreen. 5 years later i have been inspired to write for it again, because it was just that good.

#6 Are there any fics from others you reread all the time?

Yes! of course!!! a staple of the genre! i say this and immediately forget every fic i've ever read!

I think the true brain changing fics are ones that i reread once a year or every few years. alternatively, i'll read one fic 10 times in a month. i read "let our joys so multiply" by @fallofrainblog 5 times in a week once so that gets a shoutout. every so often i have to go back and read irnan's star wars fics for personal reasons. also, the legendary anne fic catching moonlight which i go back to about once every 2 years. hilarious how 2 of these are ancient ffnet gems but there u go

its weird bc a lot of fics i'll forget about for years and then suddenly be like "oh yeah that one changed my brain irreversibly. i wonder if it holds up" and then i go find it again and am generally confirmed that it does, indeed, hold up.

#10 Is there a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

Hmmm! many of them, frankly. there are some fics i write as throw aways with no expectation they will get traction, like "shut your mouth, hold your breath" or the very silly ponniyin selvan road trip au. there are others which I know are niche but still wish they had more traction so i had more external drive to finish them, because in theory i love the concept but just don't have the internal juice to see it through to the end. the force sensitive claire au is one of those i think. there are still others which are for huge fandoms and i am left wondering why they feel totally lost to the void. but that's all part of the deal, i guess, and quite often more related to my own ignorance of what is currently trendy

#16 At what point in the process do you come up with titles?

it really depends on the fic but very very rarely is the title conceived before the story. maybe for original fiction -- actually exclusively for original fiction do i do that. for fanfics i write the fic and then in the seconds before i post on ao3 i hail mary a title out of whatever divine inspiration is in that moment directly beamed into my brain from the heavens. usually in the form of song lyrics.

[oddinarylani]

congratulations on your new job! i too once had fallen off from skz so ik how it feels. I'm glad you're still here.

there's been a few ups and downs here and there in my life currently but I'm holding it fine. my exam schedule is sh¡t btw cause i have one exam once a week and it ends in second week of January 😭 (i ranted a bit didn't i lol)

I'll be looking forward to your new works! (no pressure <3)

[did you watch the clip of han & seungmin going to washroom but running to their seats once 3racha were announced as award receivers? I've been laughing over it lmao]

-🐙

me remembering i answered this at like 5 am my time this morning haha. that schedule sounds very stressful gosh, i hope you take care of yourself friend and it'll be over before you know it. i wish you luck and you got this!

i look forward to sharing more creations :) i need some fresh ideas, work leaves my brain feeling a bit like melted ice cream. and i'm also glad you're still here as well, it feels nice to be back.

before i got onto the app just now to answer this i saw the video of chan with his mouth in his elbow just totally shocked by their win (me also at my desk a moment ago chewing at my hands because he sent selfies on bubble and i have to do my job. what a man) i'll try to find the han and seungmin video bc that sounds hilarious hahaha

thanks for keeping in touch octo-anon. i always love hearing from you

- lani 🖤

[liu-lang]

more of a note to self but i had a not great therapy appt today which propelled me to move up my follow-up psychiatrist appt ... my therapist wants to change the diagnosis that's on file for me but i don't agree with it. we ran out of time so next time i told her i wanted to talk to her about 1) how this change of diagnosis would affect the treatment plan and 2) going through the DSM 5 for this diagnosis to better understand what she thinks i've exhibited that fits this criteria and why she thinks this is a good diagnostic fit. if anyone has had to navigate a convo like this, what was it like ? for what it’s worth my therapist is a LCSW (so masters degree + state licensure) and I think I really want a second opinion from my psychiatrist who obvs has done way more schooling / training and has known me much longer as I’ve worked with her since may 2022. The entire time I worked with my psychiatrist, I also saw my previous therapist who never mentioned changing my diagnosis. I’m not here to discredit anyone who has LCSW credentials but I’m just concerned after barely a month of treatment she wants to change things so drastically to an even more severe form of mental illness. She was also very insistent on talking to my psychiatrist (which I saw as a good sign bc I genuinely think it’s good for providers to work together for a more holistic understanding of the patient) but now I am fearful that my therapist may have been adamant about this bc she might want to change my meds to fit this more severe diagnosis….which thinking about it makes me scared of losing my mind (no pun intended) bc I have been on a roller coaster of trying to find a medication + dosage that alleviates symptoms and has side effects I can tolerate.

she did say the diagnosis can be amended etc etc but i was genuinely shocked at what she said and i immediately cried after the appt and had to talk to my sisters bc i feel like it came out of left field and was very unexpected and really destablised my sense of self (ironic since the point of therapy is to help me with my problems not create new ones)

i've only seen this new therapist for about a month (first two sessions had tech difficulties so we only talked for like 20 min and have only had two full 45 min appts so far) and this whole time i've felt like it hasn't been a good fit. (at the first appt when i told her about struggling with some eating disorder behaviours and how i play violin to keep myself occupied and to distract from engaging in the behaviours, she said "oh you could also try sitting on your hands" .......like what ?.....did she mean this to be helpful ? like wow, why didn't i try sitting on my hands before, so simple !) after each appt i feel more and more misunderstood, i feel like the diagnostic change is rushed and punitive. i've been through therapy before and no other mental health professional (therapist or psychiatrist) has given me this diagnosis. it's so jarring i actually just rang the clinic and asked to see the notes from my previous therapist i started out with when i first moved to nyc (i really clicked with her and i felt genuinely help and seen and understood by her)

anyway now, this week, i have dr appts everyday :(

[whoslaurapalmer]

i want to know about your fic! is that cheating? is it meant to be a surprise?

technically!!!!! it is in fact a surprise!!!! because it is secretly for a person!! I will give the following incredibly vague details --

1) i hope to get it done within the. oh I wanted to have it done by the 20th I think but it will uhhhh probably take. longer. by god, it's already the 11th. I regularly and vastly underestimate time. but I hope not much longer than that!!!! hopefully a week after at the latest??????

2) objectively it has the funniest shenanigans. but also like......I am trying to keep them in character. but also not. experience the EXTREME second hand embarrassment that can come with these shenanigans, bc second hand embarrassment physically hurts me

3) a long long time ago (2008.) the mcr website had a blog section that gerard used REGULARLY, and once posted about calling second hand embarrassment The Motts (and since it's gerard, it does and does not make sense in context.) and ever since then whenever I experience second hand embarrassment I think 'oh no gerard way I am feeling the motts' so my notes very frequently say DO YOUR BEST TO AVOID THE MOTTS.

4) lemony is there!!!!!!! beatrice and bertrand are mentioned in passing. ......other characters show up.

5) the fic spans a great deal of time. like.........a GREAT deal of time. damn.

6) I have never written this trope before but I have read a great deal of it in my time, it was very popular in the les mis fandom? which I have read TOO MUCH fic for. I always wanted to write fic for it and still have lots of wip documents, but I think my les mis fic potential days have passed me by. I still love the amis a great deal, though. anyway it's also not quite that trope, and that's very thrilling. that's where a great deal of the amusement comes in. If I can navigate it right. oh but it's also a very old trope, actually!!

6a) I mean, you see tropes in fic sometimes and think of them as very fic specific, and I think some things very much are, but also, people have been telling the same sorts of stories for an age, and i was actually able to tell my mom about the plot and have her understand it bc she's seen movies with the plot. which is very bizarre, usually this does not happen.

6b) although I do wonder now, isn't this trope like the worst way to get enjolras and grantaire together. well, I guess it depends on how you're writing them, honestly. I think the most well-known fic with this trope did it well, now that I think about it

7) I think. I am going to split it into two chapters. and........see the first half took about a weekish of planning to get the Reasons things were happening to make sense. so if push comes to shove and I only finish the first half by whatever date it was, I will post that, and then, do the second half. which is less structured but still needs. you know. things to stand on. just less things.

8) it tentatively had a title but then I thought, it would be better as a chapter title maybe, so then I figured out the other chapter title, and now I am. Missing an overall title.........

9) the titles, though, are from the songs the maze and I know how to speak by manchester orchestra.

10) potentially, a candlelit dinner may take place. there will be bread.

11) one of my notes just says 'it's the most unsexy [REDACTED] of all time'

12) someone's gonna get kissed eventually though despite my subpar skills at writing physical romance contact!!!!!!

13) I worry about it a lot, though. Just, making the fic, make sense right in general. I know what I'm aiming for but there's still a lot of uncertainty in getting there, sometimes. and it happens all the time, in everything I write!!!! every writer goes through that, in every piece. never stops being very nerve-wracking, though. And I don't think I've ever really written something like it before. so!!!!!!!! we'll see. I'm rooting for it.

[anerdyfeminist]

Very long and self-centered work rant incoming.

I know I've referenced a few things about what a hard and weird time it is at work and honestly I've only said about 5% of the truth of what all I'm carrying and that is going on. The ambiguity around what happens w/ my role, in particular, is killing me. I'm not at risk of losing my job, but a major leadership transition is looming and it's all very confusing. The cut to the chase is that I don't know what my role actually is in the new FY, which starts in 3 weeks now. It's a total shit show and in the process, I've discovered that I could be making almost twice what I make now at different nonprofits in fundraising, in positions that carry about 1/3 the responsibility and weight of other people's roles/livelihoods, etc. (It really is true when you are someone who STAYS you get penalized financially.)

I've loved this mission and this team for nearly 14 years now but IDK how much longer I can wait through all this bullshit. Someone I know from the Austin nonprofit world reached out to me to offer me free career coaching bc she's getting her certification and needs guinea pigs and I don't mind being one because I just need HELP and some outside perspective on what I actually want to do as I am 18 years into my nonprofit career at this point.

At our last session she asked me if I ever think about what's best for me instead of constantly focusing in on what's best for this organization and like I knew that's a problem for me but I didn't KNOW-know it until she said it. It's sitting really heavy for me.

I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I'm going to for a second. I'm really good at my job. Like REALLY REALLY GOOD. Like award winning in my industry good. Like has a reputation as one of the few very healthy mangers/team leads of nonprofit fundraising in Austin good. (All 3 of my current direct reports at different times have told me they'll also plan their exits when I go, and I've successfully retained all of them for 5-10 years depending on when they joined.) Like have been attempted headhunted many times but haven't ever wanted to leave this mission before good. Like I wanted to see what's out there that may want me, and I've gotten 3 interviews w/in 2-3 days of contacting some recruiters or putting my resume out there good.

And it's all just making me so fucking sad because I don't WANT to leave, but I DO want to feel appreciated and seen and make the kind of money my peers are, for doing FAR FAR less work....or to at least feel as recognized by my current employer as I do these prospective new ones for how obviously awesome and valuable I am.

I've always been an authority-pleaser (ugh abuse baggage.) I've damaged myself tenaciously reaching goals that were too much, too hard, etc. I've been working now for 25 years in some form or another and I'm consistently told I'm a top performer...so why don't I feel like it here and now??? I started working as a babysitter and tutor when I was like 13, and I began pulling down "real" paychecks when I turned 16. Across the dozens of jobs I've had, I've never had a single corrective action taken against me...I've never been written up or fired. I barely have any listed areas of "needs improvement" on any of my reviews across ALL TIME. I don't say all of this because it's how i believe employees should act, but because I just want to paint a picture for you as to what a dream I am to have on a team because my sense of self-worth has been toxicly linked to what I do/produce and if I can get an A, and if the teacher/boss/lead loves me, since Day 1.

And HEY KIDS, GUESS WHAT??? It hasn't been worth it!!!!!

Thankfully, I do get to take care of myself fairly well in my current organization's culture and I do take time off and I don't have to pull crazy hours. But I also carry and "produce" and take care of way more than anyone else in my side of the org. Way more than anyone SHOULD. It's been admitted to me several times by leadership that I am "the agency's most precious human resource" (even if they don't make me feel that way by how I'm compensated or treated when it comes to this ambiguity.) But carrying this much means I've probably had 2-3 true incidents of burnout w/ my org in the pushing 14 years I've been with them, but I always somehow found a way to recover and get back to happiness or at least contentment.

I'm not sure if that's possible for me now, and it's largely due to the fact that our board doesn't know what they're doing and they are torturing someone who they really really depend on for the agency to stay afloat w/ unnecessary ambiguity. I'm drowning in the ambiguity.

[astridthevalkyrie]

trauma dump so my dad and i work in the same company right. he sits about twenty feet away from me (yeah it's fantastic i don't wanna jump out the window somtimes at all) but anyways today he comes over to my desk and in english and loud enough that my colleagues could hear he's like "your shower is clogged you need to fix it!" and a. my sisters and i have been telling him this for weeks so the fact that he is acting like he didn't know shows how little he actually listens to us and b. he only knows now bc since her bathroom is being painted my mother took a shower in ours and inconveniences only matter when it's inconveniences for them and c. he could have said this QUIETLY or in URDU and it would be fine but no apparently asking for respect in the workspace is too much to ask for so i told him "can you be a little less condescending about it?" and he got even more peeved and said he wasn't being condescending and was just telling me to clean out the clog (something i didn't even realize i could do like i didn't know i could lift the thing in the shower bc it looks screwed on and he's never told me this before) so i was like "okay whatever" and he walked away and i KNOW at least one of my colleagues overheard bc he joked something like "that sounded serious" so um. and yesterday my mom randomly got pissed at my sister and told me to stop teaching her to blame everything on my mother and i didn't wanna fight so i just said kay and tried to keep the mood positive with my mother because who am i if i'm not playing emotional support eldest daughter all the time and my dad heard the sound of conflict and went into the basement like the bystander and enabler he is!! anyways i have started another keigo fic that will most likely flop as well but idc because i'm having fun writing for him but i'm not having fun at home and i still lack the energy to find a therapist especially bc i know i'd have to pay for it out of pocket and i'd hear it from my parents (SEPARATELY ffs) that they don't think i need therapy but my sister has had trichotillomania for years and they're only now kinda seriously registering her into therapy after being told my several different doctors to do that because she has a fucking ANXIOUS TICK and they just don't see the correlation they don't see why she would have that and my mom keeps calling her crazy as though the woman doesn't have a barrage of mental health issues that she just refuses to address she has a therapist that she chooses not to talk to she takes depression pills she has meltdowns but it's oooover the second anyone else feels an emotion and now (and always) i'm being told that i'm teaching my sister to hate her and disobey her like BABE!!!! you are UNLIKEABLE and there is a reason no one in the house wants to spend time with you!!!! i'm already in this one stupid class that my parents pushed me into that i don't wanna get into but it's so annoying bc it takes up at least two hours aside from my 7:30 to 5 pm shift which if i go into office means i have to catch a 6 am train and be back at like 6:30 pm so i always push myself to stay up as late as i can to get some alone time where i can relax and then i wake up miserable and i push goals for myself to eat healthier and exercise bc i've gained weight even though everyone says i look like i don't eat (i don't) my mom will just randomly make a comment like "i can see your stomach poking out" or some SHIT like that and she's constantly trying to get me to drink her goddamn disgusting homemade mint water that will make my skin clearer and brighter but i like my brown skin and i'm not SELF HATING like some people! and she keeps bugging me to text the lady from this matchmaking service she enrolled me into but i do not WANT to because none of those men will like me because i god forbid put in my bio that i have ideals that i will not budge from and that i am a feminist and i need someone who will respect that i'm allowed to have as much freedom as them and desi men can't stomach that shit so. and my grandma uncle and his two kids are visiting this

(hit the character block limit) weekend and i have to make it into a fun game for my sister to always be around him and interact with everyone bc if me or her try to refill our social batteries in our rooms or interact with EACH OTHER instead of everyone else my mother will think it's the equivalent of stripping naked in front of everyone despite how she embarrasses us every fucking CHANCE she gets especially around her family and my grandma is back to living with us for at least a few months after this which means she'll sleep in my bed which means she'll use my pillows and take up half the bed and every time this happens my CHRONIC BACK PAIN FORGOT ABOUT THAT acts up more than usual so i'm considering sleeping downstairs but i tend to get anxious when i do that i'm just hoping it doesn't happen this time bc i'd rather be depressed as shit instead of anxious and anxiety scares me so bad i get into my own head so easily and i hate taking meds apparently i need vitamin d pills for the rest of my life and taking them makes me feel sick and i don't drink water no matter how hard i try bc the more i drink the more sick i feel and sometimes i go days without drinking water and sometimes i don't eat and sometimes i'm starving but after a single bite i'm full and somehow i'm still gaining weight and i can't expect anyone to care about this constantly because i'm no one's goddamn concern or burden anyways today i'm feeling really introspective and i want to sit with my feelings for a bit but i can't because once i get home (in the train right now) i have to have a one on one meeting with my course instructor and i miss acting but at the same time every time i think of it i think of that horrible incident a few months ago where i agreed to be in the ensemble of wizard of oz and the experience was so bad and the people were so awful and i was the only woc there and they treated me like dirt under their shoe and every time we had a show to put on i felt ill from how miserable i was and now i'm scared all my acting experiences will all be like this and i'm so tired i want to be held and comforted and i want someone to allow me to cry without telling me to cheer up and i want to stop being so nervous every time i meet someone new and i want my skin to be clearer and i want to be healthier and i want my mother to stop abusing me and i want to just sleep in for a whole day and have no one bother me and i want to answer all these asks in my inbox because some are more than a year old and i feel so bad and i go back to school in the fall and i'll be working full time and i can't even say well i guess i had a good break year because i didn't i was working the whole time and i'm almost always around one parent and i want to write without my wrists feeling pain and i want everyone to leave me alone.