#this is the second crisis of the day and it's like 11pm i need to be sedated

[phoenixmartinez-ride]

Seriously ready to bash my head thru the goddamn wall. Live in a department of housing property (and have just been given a significant increase in the rent), been in this house for 6 years now and it’s just been an awful hell hole the entire time. So much has gone wrong, there are so many issues with the house.

Like our oven had been broken for months, the stove was fine, but the oven just wouldn’t stay hot, and we were just waiting and waiting for them to fix it, and they finally replaced it a few day ago and it seemed to be working great. But it’s Christmas Eve tonight and we started cooking the roasts for dinner, and the oven went out. We tried relighting it, but the gas wasn’t working, at all. A tiny amount would come out, but neither the oven or the stove would light. Now we don’t have a working oven OR stove. We were halfway through cooking Christmas Eve dinner! My sister had to rush out and buy a bench top air fryer oven thing that cost her over $130!

So we did manage to find a solution to cooking, but who fucking knows when maintenance is gonna show up to fix the damn thing.

But then I went to get something from my room and saw a weird puddle on the floor outside my door. For a second, I thought maybe the rabbit had peed on the floor, but then I looked up and realised the goddamn roof was leaking in the rain! There’s been this huge crack in the ceiling for months now, but obvi maintenance hasn’t done anything about it or sent anyone to check it out. And that leak is gonna get so much worse, because it’s supposed to storm all tonight and tomorrow and it’s barely even started yet.

Called maintenance about the leak, but it’s 11pm on Christmas Eve, so of course no one is coming.

I just can’t with this shit any more. There are SO MANY issues with this house, this doesn’t even come close to scratching the surface. We waited over two weeks for them to fix the shower after they took the base out. The house has so many cracks and so much mould, there’s no insulation, the carpet is disgusting and hasn’t been replaced, properly ever since the place was built in the ‘70s. There’s so many other things, and it takes so long to get anything fixed. Apparently the place was SO BAD when the previous residents moved out that they thought it would be condemned. And maintenance don’t fix shit after move outs, they just do patch jobs to make it look nice for the next people.

I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with this. They’ve recently raised the rent by over $200 a fortnight and the whole place is just fucked. I can’t afford to go into private rental, and even if I could, the market is well and truly fucked and it’s genuinely impossible to find a place and get accepted because we’re in the middle of a huge housing crisis

I know no one probably gonna read this, and no one gives a shit, but I just needed to rant, because this is fucked.

[tomlinsun]

x

[miekasa]

Mie, I’m begging for some Jean college au bf hcs - im literally so down bad for this man and the way you write men is just 🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻

Absolutely, not a problem 😌 I saved this ask as a draft a while ago when you sent it, sorry for just now getting to it. Anyway, I love Jean with my whole heart, best boy, best boyfriend <33

King of forehead kisses, and not even just because of his height in comparison to yours; he just likes it. He likes the feeling of pressing his lips against your skin, and making you feel safe.

Brings you tea or coffee however you like it every day without fail. If he can get it to you in the morning before work/school then he’ll do that, if not he’ll meet you some time in the middle of the day to drop it off. Your own personal courier just for drinks.

He… has a thing for long(er) nails. He loves the feeling of them against his skin, even if you’re not scratching to apply pressure—just you holding his hand them grazing his skin is enough for him.

That being said, he will pay for you to get your nails done. Actually, he’ll pay for… almost anything you want, but the nails benefit him as much as they do you so feel free to ball out.

He never blowdries his hair because he doesn’t... know how to do the back of it. You did it for him once and he hasn’t stopped thinking about it since, but he’s also too embarrassed to ask you to do/style it again.

On the subject of hair, he does do his best to style it and take care of it, but he’s a sucker whenever you play with it. Sometimes he feigns like you’re messing up all his hard work, but he’ll literally crane his head into your touch. He loves it. 

The first time he lays on top of you and you run your hands through his hair... top 10 most euphoric moments of his life. He tries to fight off the sleep threatening to take over him, but it’s futile. Give it 15 minutes at most before he’s knocked out like a baby. 

Dogs love him. Anytime you’re in a park or just taking a walk and there’s a dog around, it’ll come up to him and he looks adorable leaning down to pet it. He loves dogs, too! So he’s always happy to stop and pet them. He’d be a 10/10 dog dad. 

Has your name saved in his phone with two hearts at the end. Do not point it out.

Loves taking pictures together and if you guys are on a date, he’ll ask someone to get a picture for him. He just likes having them to look back on (and to send to his mom, later).

He doesn’t mind painting classes or videos or tutorials, but he hates paint by numbers kits. He claims that they have no sense of color theory and that it takes the originality and fun out of painting. Not to mention the quality of the paints isn’t great to begin with; all of which he takes very seriously.

It’s pretty cute actually, to see him get worked up over the paint kits. He claims that painting and drawing isn’t even something he takes “that seriously,” it’s just a hobby for him (one he’s insanely good at); but in moments like these, you can tell that he’s way more into art and art theory and history than he lets on. 

Huge movie guy, from animated movies to martial arts movies, Jean is usually willingly to give anything a watch at least once. When he’s high, he can go on about his favorite directors and art styles and movie details for hours if you don’t stop him. It’s super cute. Just don’t bring up Moana, because he’ll start crying. 

Arm around the shoulder kind of boyfriend for sure. It’s a casual way of keeping you near him and letting everyone know that you guys are together. Plus it allows for him to easily pull you into him for a quick forehead kiss when needed.

Listen. If you hug his arm, he’s on cloud nine. He tries to be nonchalant about it but he’s about three seconds away from his eyes rolling back in his head it feels that good to him. Bonus if you lean your head on his bicep a little—then he’s a goner.

He takes his bagels very seriously and believes that both you and him deserve nothing but the best quality bagels. He’ll grumble if a bakery gives you guys a less than favorable one and make a note that taking the long route to get to his favorite place is much more worth it.

Always makes you walk on the side furthest from the cars. If he notices you’re not, he’ll just shuffle behind you until he’s shouldering the street and you’re on the inside. 

He grew up on a kind of modern ranch situation; not exactly all the way in the countryside, but not isolate from the city, either. Because of this, he knows how to ride horses, take care of smaller farm animals, tend to plants, and yes he knows how to use a lasso. You wouldn’t know any of that though, because he never ever talks about it. The only way you find out is when he takes you to visit his mom’s house for the first time, and she asks him for a hand around the place. 

(He’s got a cowboy hat, too, but refuses to put it on. He got it when he was, like, nine, okay, leave him alone). 

When he thinks you look tired, he’ll wrap his arms around your shoulders to hug you. It’s usually followed up with a kiss to your head, and a promise that you guys will go home soon and get food on the way. 

He’s a really good cook. He just understands and flavors and pairings really well, so he doesn’t need a recipe to make something that tastes good; he just kind of knows what to add to get the balance he’s looking for. 

Naturally, he’ll cook for you. Especially if he finds out that you haven’t eaten all day/in a long time. He doesn’t care if it’s 11pm and it might seem excessive to make steak and potatoes with a side salad at this hour, he’s gonna do it to make sure you eat, and you are going to sit there and watch. 

He also bakes pretty well, though he isn’t as experimental with his baking as he is with his cooking. He usually sticks to what he knows, and it’s not cupcakes and brownies and cakes; he’s better at croissants, and cheesecakes, and canelés. 

Dating Jean means getting along with his friends. If you guys didn’t know each other before you started dating, be prepared to be ambushed by Connie and Sasha (after Jean stops hiding you away and gives them the green light lmfao). Neither of them waste time with the small talk and formalities; straight into mini golfing and beer pong. They make you feel welcome right away.

Sasha always teases that you’re too good for Jean, and that she might just steal you away for herself some day. Sasha is also Jean’s main confidant, so she really knows just how much he loves you, and yeah, she teases him for being lovesick, but really she’s happy for Jean. And proud of him for facing his feelings like this. 

Connie adores you, and you know he trusts you when he starts going to you for advice/help. Could be anything from schoolwork, to what color he should get his new shoes in. He’s also the one who, surprisingly, you have the sentimental talks with about your relationship with Jean. It’s easy to overlook, but Connie loves Jean, and he’s come to love you too; he just wants you both to be happy, so he’s there to listen when you need it. 

Jean waits outside of your classroom after you’ve had a test or presentation, usually with a drink or a snack, or the promise of taking you out as a treat. Always tells you he’s proud of you, and is there to comfort you if you think you didn’t do too well. 

He does not shut up about whatever major you’re in. It could be the same as his; it could be the complete opposite as his. He thinks it’s so sick that you’re doing it, you make it look cooler, you make it look better, and he’s certain you’re the smartest person in your program. 

He’s pretty serious about his studies, too, so he’s always down to study with you in the library whenever you’re both free. More often than not, he shows up after you, usually with food or extra chargers. He greets you with a kiss on the forehead, and asks you how you are while massaging your shoulders gently. If it’s been a while since you took a break, that’s the first item on the list, after that, he gets to work and stays with you until you’re ready to go, even if he doesn’t have as much work to do. 

He always sits across from you. This goes for when you’re in the library, or out to eat at a restaurant; Jean loves sitting across from you. He gets to see your face the best that way, and he adores looking into your eyes when you talk. 

He’s not... not a morning person. He’s not up at 6am ready to grind, but he wakes up before noon; let’s say 10am is his happy medium. That being said, if you wake up before him, regardless of the time, there’s a 9/10 chance he’ll lay on your back and tell you to hush so you guys can sleep for 10 more minutes. 

If you’re (close) friends with Eren, Mikasa, and Armin, Jean is... happy you’ve got people to rely on, but, “Of all people on the planet, you put your trust in Jaeger?” He acts so bitter (because he is), but deep down inside, he’s glad you have Eren to rely on if you need to. 

(Also, you have to humble him and remind him that he and Eren aren’t all that different. If you like him, why wouldn’t you get along with Eren, bye). 

Turns out though, that it’s not Eren who threatens to beat him up if he breaks your heart. It’s not even Mikasa, although, her threat goes without saying; it’s Armin he’s terrified of.

The last time Armin hated someone, it was this guy in your program, who happened to share a few mutual classes with him, too. Jean never knew the full story, just that he’s pretty sure that kid dropped out the following semester. 

If you have a job on campus, Jean usually doesn’t show up while you’re working (knowing how embarrassed he would be if you did that to him), unless you work the night shift and it’s dead. Connie, however, does show up; usually in some kind of crisis (“Please help me, I don’t know what the fuck APA formatting is and this is due tonight, please, please, please!!”). Your coworkers actually thought Connie was your boyfriend for a minute. That’s when Jean starts showing up more lmfao.

He makes it a point to go on a scheduled, night out, kind of date at least twice a month. He knows life gets busy with school and work and midterms, but he always makes sure you both set side a time to take a well-deserved break and be with each other. 

He’s the romantic type, so these dates are pretty swoon worthy, too. Drive-in movies, nice dinners, classy art exhibits, Jean plans it all. On that note, he really likes planning dates; he just doesn’t like talking about them with his friends beforehand. 

All in all, very romantic, very precious boyfriend. He’s always thinking about you, what you need, and how he can help you out. You’re one of his main priorities, and he just wants to treat you right. 

[atalho-s]

Light Up The Dark

Part 3 | I am fused just in case I blow out

pairing: bartender!tom x famous!reader

warnings: smut +18 miniors dni, swear words?, drinking, mention of anxiety crisis, let me know if anything else!

words: 4.3 k

a/n: english it’s not my first language, so i’m sorry for any mistake! If you want to be tagged in the next chapters let me know!!

PART 3 if you want to read part 2 click here!

Y/n sat down with her coffee at a cafeteria table. She took a deep breath and opened her notebook, double-clicking the document and revealing the page she'd been trying to write for some time. It couldn't be happening again. It was already the third writer's block in a row and to say she was starting to get angry was an understatement.

It was becoming a constant problem and she didn't know what to do anymore. It was getting embarrassing how many times she had gone to her neighborhood coffee shop. Staying in her apartment alone was making her completely claustrophobic, which was ironic given her apartment was so big and spacious.

But what was making her so upset and with that lack of creativity? That's what she wanted to find out. Maybe it was the story, maybe it would be a sign that that story shouldn't be written.

She took a deep breath and rested her chin on her palm looking at the screen. She didn't want to give up on June, her character, so easy. She really want to finish this, had she already invested too much time in something that in the end would come to nothing? That didn't sound like her.

But if that were the only way, she would have no alternative, she would have to give up and maybe come back one day when her creativity shines again.

She felt her cell phone vibrate in her coat pocket and caught it looking that was Milla. She slid the screen and answered.

- Hi Mil... - she said a little discouraged.

- Hey Lovey! Why the sad voice? - Milla said and Y/n smirked.

- Just discouraged with the new book...

- Nothing yet? - Mila already knew about the extensive Y/n block’s creativity since she kept calling asking for tips on teas or candles that would bring inspiration (since Mil was an expert in these crazy things about spiritism and nature), which obviously didn't help.

- Nothing, actually I'm thinking about giving up this time...

- Hey Hey hey! No giving up, are you crazy? - Milla said and Y/n sighed. - You just need a little push, it will come back eventually.

- I don't know Mil... It seems that the inspiration went away for good.

- Since when did you lose your ideas? I remember that weeks ago you were all excited, you even wrote three wonderful chapters, maybe if you try to do the same thing you did in these weeks the ideas will come back... - Milla said and Y/n started to remember the weeks that passed. What had she done? Well, she had spent more at home as usual, a few days meeting with the director of the series based on her book, chatting a bit with Emma Brown, and the other day doing an interview for a famous magazine, but that was it. She hadn't done anything big...

Y/n thought some more. Emma Brown and her birthday party, after that day she had a flurry of ideas where she wouldn't stop writing, but then what happened to make everything suddenly stop? Well, there was an obvious incident... And by incident she meant: Tom. That waiter had really messed with her the two nights she had been with him. But she hadn't seen him since and she was super okay with it, it wasn't like she was thinking about him, his smell, his smile, the way he knew how to touch her... Ok, that was going too far.

But why since she saw him she started having her lack of ideas again? It wasn't possible. What if he was inspiring her in some way or another? Maybe the way he relaxed her and made her forget about everything made her creative.

- Y/n? Bestie? - Milla asked on the other end of the line. - Are you still there?

- Hi Mil! - Y/n said out of his thoughts. - Sorry, I went out of orbit for a few seconds.

- I noticed... What are you thinking about huh?

- Oh no big deal... Just... I have to prove a theory and if it works out I'll tell you.

- Theory? What theory? - Milla asked curiously.

- I have to go, but I'll call you later ok? - Y/n said and didn't wait for Milla to answer, hanging up the phone and hurriedly packing up her things.

She had to prove she wasn't going crazy. Maybe Tom really was her energy charge in some way, she had to prove if her creativity would come back. And if he was, she really wouldn't know what to do. She couldn't sleep with him every time her lack of ideas came up. But, she was desperate and despair brought drastic attitudes.

So she ran back to her apartment to change her clothes. To think that she had sworn to herself that she wouldn't go after him, was humiliating, but she didn't care at the moment. As soon she got home, she went straight to her closet, wanting to impress him, but at the same time she wanted him to think that she went there to get someone else, it would be less pathetic.

She spotted a white dress, one that she had never worn before, presumably because she didn't like to show too much of her body, but she decided to take a chance with it. She dressed, put on her high-heeled sandals and did her makeup (the basic one she knew how to do) and when it was almost 11pm she was heading towards the Seven Devils bar.

Arriving there, she saw the same security guard who had let her through, a friend of Tom's. She nodded to him and entered. The bar was a little more crowded, maybe because it was friday night. He felt butterflies in her stomach, what if someone recognized her? She doubted they would, but even though she wasn't doing anything wrong she hated being in the media. She took a deep breath and went deeper into the room. It was dark and the dance floor was open, crowded with people dancing and few people sitting at the table. Only the bar light was visible, where she immediately looked for someone with brown hair and a bar uniform, but she didn't saw him, just Sally, the other bartender. Maybe he has a day off?

She headed towards the bar to order a drink, leaning against the counter and looked around, no sign of him. Maybe she had gone there for nothing. Sally approached and Y/n smiled asking for a drink, she didn't want to ask about him because it would be too much and besides Sally didn't recognize her, or pretended not to, so it would be weird.

- Special night? - Y/n asked when she delivered her drink, indicating the number of people and why the dance floor was open.

- Yeah, we do it every friday, the bar ends up turning into a club. - Sally replied taking some glasses and turned to serve other customers.

She picked up her glass and headed out onto the dance floor. It wouldn't hurt for her to have a little fun. Weaving through the crowd, she started shyly dancing for a few long minutes alone, until a guy approached.

-Hey ...-he said smiling and stopped in front of her.

- Hey... - Y/n said suspiciously and looked around drinking her drink.

- I saw you're alone... Can I stay here? he asked and Y/n bit her lip thoughtfully. Well, Tom clearly wasn't there and what if his ideas didn't just depend on him? But of her hooking up with someone? Anyone...

- Of course! - she said smiling at last and he approached dancing with her while the lights flashed. He was handsome, had those piercing eyes that wouldn't stop watching her every move.

Another song started to play and Y/n started dancing more sensually. The boy came even closer placing his hand on her waist and she smiled, satisfied with her effect. Everything was going well until she glanced at the bar and found a pair of brown eyes staring at her.

Tom. So there he was, wearing his uniform, his hair pulled back as usual, he was gorgeous and with a shaker in one hand shaking furiously. He didn't take his eyes off hers which made her shiver.

He just looked away when he had to take care of the next customer, and Y/n looked at the guy in front of her, where she now had a hand on his shoulder. Who was she kidding? She wanted Tom... At least she would try to have him that night, because she was curious to test her theory with him.

- I'll be right back. - she said and the guy opened his arms disappointed as she walked away, taking the rest of her drink and heading towards the bar again.

She leaned against the counter and saw Tom saying goodbye to a customer looking at her from the corner of his eye. She approached her and grinned when he stopped in front of her.

- This is getting embarrassing darling... - he said wiping the counter with a towel.

- What are you talking about?- she asked raising an eyebrow.

- You coming here just to see me? Tsc tsc... pathetic - he said with a smirk and Y/n felt her stomach turn with anxiety as he looked up at her.

- And who said I came here for you? - She said trying to hide it.

- I don't know, maybe because you could have gone to any bar better than this one in the entire city, but you chose this one, strange isn't it? - He asked taking her glass and preparing another drink.

- Funny, I only came here because I liked the place last time... Besides I was even flirting with another guy seconds ago, so your theory doesn't make sense. - Y/n said ironically and did not take her eyes off his trying to be firm on her tone.

- Yeah, I know... But it's funny that you didn't take your eyes off me while dancing with him... - he said putting her glass, now full, back on the counter.

- I was just surprised to have seen you, since I had even forgotten that you worked here. - She said drinking a sip from her glass and he laughed ironically.

-Of course love ... Of course ...-he said tilting his head to the side and approached his face to hers leaning on the counter. Y/n stared at him a little lost in his scent coming in waves to her nose and she could now see his freckles up close, as well as the arrogant smile that never left his face.

- I bet you came here for another round, right? he said quietly, his breath hitting her face and she almost closed her eyes. -Getting dressed like that, dancing sensually while watching me...-he said biting his lip looking her face up and down and stopping at her lips. Y/n swallowed, ok he had an almost paranormal effect on her.

- I-I... - she stuttered and he smiled even more seeing her disconcerted. - I don't know what you're talking about. - Y/n said finally and walked away a little, wanting to get out of that situation. She wanted him, but she didn't want to give out so easily.

- Of course you don't know sweetheart, but I can remind you later. - He said, winking and then walking away, heading towards another customer who had arrived.

Y/n let out the air she didn't even know she was holding, tooking a big swig of her drink and set the glass on the counter heading back to the floor. Tom was very arrogant, but denying that she didn't like it was a lie.

She arrived on the floor and went back to dancing closer. The guy from before now was talking to another girl which made her a little sad, she wanted to have fun with Tom's face some more. She stayed there for a few minutes, until three people approached her, surrounding her.

- Hey... Aren't you the Y/n? - a girl said and Y/n wanted to hide for a moment.

- Erm... I am. - She said smiling.

- I saw you in an interview last week! I love your books! Take a picture with me? she asked taking her cell phone out of her pocket.

- Of course! - Y/n said and posed with the three people while they took pictures.

- Hey! You are Y/n aren't you? I saw you in Emma's birthday pictures! -a guy said right behind approaching too and some people around her start to look at her.

- It is true! I recognized her from somewhere! - another girl said also approaching and Y/n started to get a little scared. She didn't see the harm in taking pictures with some fans, but being buried by them was a nightmare.

- Take a picture with me? - another also said.

- Your books are terrible! - another one shouted laughing.

- I bet the next one will be even worse! 

- Who is this? Never heard of it!

- I bet it must be some actress wanting attention.

And when she saw she was surrounded by a crowd almost being suffocated, but more people kept surrounding her and filling her with questions about her book, or cursing her in some way, which started to make her sick and claustrophobic .

-Please, guys...-she started to speak, but her voice broke and was lost with the loud music and with the people talking loudly around her. For a moment she thought she was going to pass out. Until she felt someone putting a hand on her waist and guiding her out of the crowd hurriedly walking beside her.

The crowd started to follow them and Y/n just stared at her feet, still feeling her heart beat fast. The next thing she saw was this person pulling her to the side of the bar through a door and then closing it.

He looked around when the light was turned on and saw some boxes on the floor and shelves. She was in a warehouse and Tom was standing in front of her.

- You are okay?- he asked looking at her worriedly.

- I...- She closed her eyes for a few seconds and opened them again. - I'm fine, it was just a scare, thank you for saving me...

- It's ok darling... - he said approaching to check if she was really ok and Y/n felt dizzy, staggering a little and he held her by the waist preventing her from falling. - Whoa, I don't think you're okay, love.

- It's ok, it was just an anxiety attack with drinking... - she said putting her hand on her temples, feeling her vision rotate a little. - I just... I really want to leave.

- Okay, how about we walk slowly and I take you home? -He said still holding tight to her waist and she looked at him.

-O-ok...- she said nodding and they started walking slowly.

After passing through the warehouse, Tom opened another door that opened into the backyard of the bar, where he could see his car. He helped her in and sat down next to her.

- Tom? - Y/n asked when he started the car and starting to move.

- Huh? -he said turning his face towards her.

- Can you... Can you take me somewhere else? I don't want to go home... - she said feeling a little pathetic. But she didn't want to face her gigantic apartment right now, wanted to be with someone somewhere else who didn't remember what she'd just been through.

- Sure darling... - he said stopping at the red light. - Where you want to go?

- Could be your house? I mean, I don't want to take advantage or anything, I just... I need to calm down somewhere else... - She started to say hesitant.

- Hey, fine, no problem. -He said putting his hand in hers, that was on her lap, comforting her and she shook her head, seeing him to remove, putting back on the steering wheel. She wanted him to keep his hand there, but obviously she stay quiet, leaning her head against the window, trying to calm down.

After a few minutes they reached his building, where Tom parked and helped her to go out of the car. Y/n followed him to the front door and they took the elevator. She was still silent the whole time and he didn't want to say anything either, just glanced at her time to time, maybe checking her if she was okay and looking away afterwards.

They arrived at Tom's apartment and Y/n looked around. It was small but cozy. There was a living room with a small kitchen and a hallway leading to another door that appeared to be his bedroom.

- How about you stay in my room and I give you some clothes to make you more comfortable? -He said putting his hand on her back guiding her while she nodded.

They entered the room and Y/n sat on the edge of the bed. As Tom opened his closet, taking off his shoes and choosing a comfortable T-shirt and pants for her to wear. He approached her again putting the clothes beside her.

- Well, you can make yourself comfortable ok? I'll let you... - he start to said.

- Tom. - Y/n interrupted him. - Please stay here. - She said feeling her heart start beating fast and her breathing quicken. She thought back to the horrible comments and the crowd that had surrounded her. Maybe now pictures of her were all over the internet and it made her anxious again. She closed her eyes feeling tears wanting to flow. She opened them again and the tears finally spilled out, rolling down her cheeks.

- Hey, hey darling. It’s alright, I'm here. -he said getting down in front of her, putting a hand on her cheek wiping away some tears.

- Sorry, I just... That's ridiculous, sorry...

- Shh... - he said calming her and looking at her. - It's not ridiculous ok? You don't need to apologize for anything. -He said caressing her cheek.

- It's just... I keep thinking about those horrible comments and how my picture must be all over the place. - Y/n said wiping some tears that insisted on falling.

- Darling... You don't need to think about it, okay? Those people who said that are terrible, I don't want you to think about anything now how about that? - he said and Y/N looked at him.

- I wish I could turn off those thoughts. -she said sniffling a little, averting her eyes and Tom stroked her leg slowly comforting her. For a moment she felt her body shiver, but it was because Tom was touching her and not because of her crisis. He stopped pulling his hand away and Y/n looked at him. - Tom... Can you continue?

- What do you mean? - he asked confused looking into her eyes.

- Touching me... I mean, you were doing a good job distracting me. - She said smiling slightly and he smiled back.

- Sure…- he said getting down on his knees and taking her calf slowly and kissing her lightly, not taking his eyes off hers at any time. Y/n wanted to close her eyes, but at the same time wanted to look at him, so she decided to keep them open.

Tom took off his sandals slowly, and was kissing from her calf to her thigh, stroking lightly with his hand that held her, and she felt shivers down her spine. . He reached her inner thigh and took a small bite causing her to sigh and bite her lip in response. He lifted his head to look at her and smiled. Y/n not resisting, bent down kissing him with desire. He placed one of his hand on her face kissing her back while his other hand still rested on her thigh squeezing.

She kept kissing him until she felt she needed of air and they parted, out of breath. Tom touched his nose to hers lightly and Y/n closed his eyes feeling him.

- Tom... I want to feel you... - she said approaching her mouth again. - Make love with me? - she asked quietly and she could feel him smile against her mouth.

-Whatever you want sweetheart... - he said and stood up suddenly with hush, bringing her along  by her legs, making her gasp in surprise, putting her down on the bed and lying on top of her afterwards.

He went back to kiss her, exploring her mouth eagerly and she placed her hand on the back of her neck, pulling his hair. He paced his hands over her body and she hurriedly took his shirt off, running hers over his defined bare chest.

- I didn't tell you this before, but you look wonderful in that dress, teased me all night, but I confess I'd rather see you without... - He bit down lightly below her ear making her moan low, he raised the hem of her dress, stepping away and helping her get it off and throwing it aside.

Now he was kissing her collarbone, lowering the kisses to her breasts making her arch her back a little wanting to get even closer to his mouth. When she reliase he had removed her bra and smirked looking at her.

- I have to be honest...I missed that image. - he said and Y/n almost hid by the way he looked at her, it was like she was a sculpture, it was a look of admiration and desire. A look that made her forget the world.

He kissed her breasts and positioned himself between her legs, meanwhile taking off his pants, along with his boxers, while still paying attention to each of her nipples, sucking them making her moan low. He returned his kisses to her lips again kissing her more slowly this time, moving his hand to her panties and running his fingers slowly through the fabric, setting aside and feeling how pathetically wet she was for him. Y/n moaned against his lips again and he groaned pulling back a little.

-I love how you're always ready for me darling...-he said making his lips touch hers lightly and she could only moan in response as he made slow circles on her clit.

- Tom... - she said weakly and he smiled seeing how she was vulnerable for him. - Please, I need you inside me, now... - Y/n managed to said between moans, arching her waist against his hand.

- So demanding and desperate love ... - he said taking his hand of her making her protest with the lack of contact. - But I have to confess that you get even hotter that way. - He said stretching to get a condom in the drawer on the side of the bed and opened the package adjusting on his member right after. Y/n ran her hands on his arms, meanwhile, just admiring his body and how lucky she was. He looked back at her and smiled seeing that she was admired him with concentration. - Still with me darling?

She looked him in the eye again and nodded, kissing his neck then making him bite his lip. Tom took his cock closing his eyes and penetrated her slowly, so that she got used to his size. When he was fully inside her he turned to look at her closely and stroked her cheek lightly as if asking permission to move, which she readily agreed.

He started to move slowly, making her feel every piece of him by wich thrust he was doing, until he picked up a fast pace that made her moan with pleasure gripping his shoulders tightly and even scratchin him a little. He made her feel like she was flying and he penetrated her so deliciously it felt like a dream.

Tom took one of her legs and wrapped it around his waist, making him penetrate her even deeper, which made her almost combust. He was silent the entire time, as well as her, what could be heard were just the moans of the two that echoed through the room.

After what seemed like an eternity. Tom slowed his pace a little. Putting one of his hands on the side of Y/n's head, squeezing the sheet and the other on her leg, squeezing it willingly.

- Fuck Darling... I’m gonna come... - he said breathlessly lost in his pleasure.

- Tom... - Y/n could only said and he took his hand from her leg going to her clit again stimulating it with his fingers and increasing his pace again, until the two reached the orgasm together between moans and low breathless curses.

Tom placed a few kisses on Y/n's neck returning to his senses and Y/n closed her eyes just feeling his touch. He then got off her and lay beside her looking at the ceiling. Catching his breath. After cleaning themselves in silence, the two returned to bed lying side by side.

- You ok? he asked finally breaking the silence looking at her.

-More than ok...- Y/n said lying on his side towards him. -I'm just tired...-she said lazily starting to close her eyes and the last thing she felt before falling asleep was Tom kissing her forehead.

taglist: @usuck​ @petesrparker​

[aion-rsa]

The Pandemic in Pop Culture Trends

https://ift.tt/32wrfZT

The first year of the COVID-19 pandemic was both a universal and incredibly personal experience. While not everyone’s life in the first year of the pandemic looked the same, there have been some common joys, struggles, and tragedies. And there have been stories that have helped get us through the first year of pandemic. The global COVID-19 pandemic is not over, but it has hopefully reached a turning point. Multiple vaccines protecting against the worst of the virus have been developed and have begun to be (unevenly) distributed around the world, with Israel, the U.K., Chile, and the U.S. currently with the greatest percentages of their populations having received at least one dose. As we hopefully move into a less deadly phase of the pandemic, we’re taking a moment to look back at the TV series, games, movies, and other pop culture moments that brought comfort, distraction, critique, and catharsis for many in the pandemic’s first year, as well as some of the major trends and news stories that shaped the industry itself between March 2020 and February 2021.

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March 2020

NBA To Suspend Season Following Tonight's Games pic.twitter.com/2PTx2fkLlW

— NBA (@NBA) March 12, 2020

The NBA Suspends the Season (March 11th)

Many use the NBA’s March 11th announcement that the 2019-2020 season would be suspended until further notice as an unofficial start of the COVID-19 pandemic in the United States. The season would continue four months later in the “NBA Bubble,” but no one could know what the future would look like, only that things were indeed very serious for the billions-dollar professional basketball and media industry to shut down.

Everyone Watches Contagion

Though Steven Soderbergh’s pandemic thriller came out in 2011, Contagion jumped from Warner Bros.’ 270th most digitally rented movie in December 2019 to their second most rented one in February, and that trend would only continue into March. As the pandemic continued, we would see audiences turning towards more “escapist” fare, but, in the early days of this international crisis, people turned towards this matter-of-fact, fictional imagining of how a global pandemic might play out to help process their new and frightening reality.

Movie Theaters Essentially Go Dark

In addition to the immense loss of human life the COVID-19 pandemic has caused, there has also been an economic cost that will no doubt continue to impact human health and livelihood in the coming years. On March 17th, the movie theater chains Regal and AMC announced their temporary closures, an early sign of just how bad the pandemic would be for the movie theater business.

Movies in Theaters Begin Going to VOD

With movie theaters closed, studios needed to get creative about how best to distribute their movies still “in theaters.” Universal Pictures was the first to make the decision to move its new releases to a video on-demand model, bringing The Invisible Man, The Hunt, and Emma to VOD on March 20th.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons is Released (March 20th)

On March 20th, Nintendo released Animal Crossing: New Horizons for Nintendo Switch, allowing players (most of whom where stuck at home) to digitally move to an island and nurture their own community. The fifth game in the Animal Crossing series, New Horizons would go on to major commercial success. It broke the console game record for most digital units sold in a single month, became the 15th best-selling video game in history, and the second best-selling game of all time in Japan. It was also the most blogged-about subject on Tumblr in 2020!

Tiger King Drops on Netflix (March 20th)

Netflix remains the largest streaming service worldwide, with over 200 million global subscribers and roughly 74 million of those subscribers in the U.S. Because of this, when a Netflix Original becomes a hit, it usually becomes a major part of online discourse, especially in the United States. This was the case for Tiger King, the true crime (and truly wild) documentary series that dropped on Netflix on March 20th. With most watchers stuck at home, the online discourse around the show felt even more intense than usual. For a few weeks, you couldn’t throw a stone without hitting a Tiger King meme.

April 2020

Quibi Launches (April 6)

While not necessarily pandemic-specific (did Quibi ever really stand a chance?), 2020 saw the launch (April 6th) and death (December 1st) of Quibi, Jeffrey Katzenberg’s short-form streaming platform that squandered $1.75 billion in investment capital and star power like Sophie Turner, Kiefer Sutherland, Idris Elba, Chrissy Teigen, Karlie Kloss, and Laura Dern before bowing out in December.

Trolls World Tour Becomes First Movie to Break Theatrical Window (April 10)

Remember when it was radical for a movie to break its theatrical window? Yeah, that was in April, when many media professionals were shocked with Universal’s decision to release Trolls World Tour, the computer animated musical comedy sequel to 2016’s Trolls, as both a limited theatrical release and via video on demand services. The move led AMC Theatres to temporarily announce that they would no longer be distributing Universal films, but the two companies quickly came to an agreement shortly after.

Extraction was a Thing (April 24)

Honestly, every week in 2020 felt like its own lifetime. Remember when Extraction, the Chris Hemsworth-helmed action-thriller, became the most watched original film in Netflix’s history? Directed by Sam Hargrave and written by MCU vet Joe Russo, the film follows a black ops mercenary who must rescue the kidnapped son of an Indian drug lord in Bangladesh. As self-reported by Netflix, the movie was watched by 99 million households in its first month of release.

May 2020

TikTok Pops

TikTok was already firmly a thing heading into 2020, but the pandemic was when more people found it—especially the olds… by which I mean millennials. In October 2019, TikTok had almost 40 million U.S. users (and 507 million global users in December 2019). By June 2020, that number was at almost 92 million in the U.S. (and 689 million globally by July 2020). This was part of a larger trend over the course of the pandemic that saw people spending more time on their mobile devics than ever before: According to a report from mobile app intelligence agency App Annie (via Social Media Today), by the end of 2020, Americans spent more time on TikTok than they did on Facebook, and the average American now spends more time per day on their mobile device (4 hours) than they do watching TV (3.7 hours).

Avatar: The Last Airbender is Released on Netflix (May 15th)

In many ways, the pandemic has been an accelerant of global processes, and this applies to pop culture as well. While we were already seeing the rise in more foreign-language TV, including anime, and the return to some major nostalgic properties due to broader and easier accessibility because of platforms like Netflix, the pandemic really ramped that process up. When all three seasons of Avatar: The Last Airbender became available on Netflix in May, the American animated TV series that originally aired on Nickelodeon from 2005 to 2008, was discovered or re-discovered by millions of viewers, becoming one of the top Tumblr fandoms of 2020. It was indicative of a larger trend of old shows becoming new again through release on major global streaming platforms.

Read more

TV

Avatar: The Last Airbender – What Can We Expect From the New Avatar Studios?

By Shamus Kelley

TV

Avatar: The Last Airbender Co-Creators Exit Netflix Live-Action Series

By Shamus Kelley

June 2020

Buffy Lands on All4 (June 1st)

In a year where what’s old was necessarily new again, all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer came to UK streaming platform All4, and were broadcast on E4 every weeknight at 11pm. Elsewhere in the UK streaming market, the BBC iPlayer saw its best-ever quarter from April to June with 1.6 billion requests, an increase of 59% on the same quarter last year (according to a BBC press release).

Staged Premieres (June 10th)

As it became apparent that TV and film production would not be going back to normal anytime soon, many creators got, well, creative and began making things in lockdown. One of the best and most high-profile examples was BBC’s Staged, in which David Tennant and Michael Sheen play fictionalized versions of themselves, trying to rehearse a performance of Six Characters in Search of an Author via video chat, alongside director Simon Evans. The low-budget, high-charisma series is filmed in the actors’ real-life homes but, unlike some celebrity efforts during the pandemic (see March), strikes the right tonal note in relation to its subjects’ privilege.

July 2020

Ray Fisher Speaks Up About Alleged Abuse on the Justice League Set (July 1st)

Actor Ray Fisher raised his voice on July 1st in a tweet, calling out director Joss Whedon for alleged abuse on the Justice League set, and WB execs Geoff Johns and Jon Berg for “enabling” that alleged behavior.

Joss Wheadon’s on-set treatment of the cast and crew of Justice League was gross, abusive, unprofessional, and completely unacceptable. He was enabled, in many ways, by Geoff Johns and Jon Berg. Accountability>Entertainment

— Ray Fisher (@ray8fisher) July 1, 2020

Later, in December, Fisher would add WB exec Walter Hamada’s name to that list, following a December 11th announcement by WarnerMedia that their investigation connected to Justice League “has concluded and remedial action has been taken.”

Hamilton Blows Us All Away (July 4th)

One of the deepest cultural cuts during lockdown was the necessary elimination of live, in-person theater, which is probably one of the reasons why Hamilton, the Pulitzer Prize-winning stage musical that originally came to Broadway in 2015, made such a splash when it became available in its filmed format via Disney+. Even without a pandemic, Hamilton (and all Broadway theater) is only accessible to a select group of people, making the addition of the pop culture phenomenon in a more accessible form so very important.

Read more

TV

From Bridgerton to Hamilton: A History of Color-Conscious Casting in Period Drama

By Amanda-Rae Prescott

Movies

Hamilton: Thomas Jefferson Controversy Explained

By David Crow

Host Becomes the Most Zeitgesty Movie of 2020 (July 30th)

Another particularly impressive entry into the “filmed from lockdown” genre that sprouted up during the first year of the pandemic was British found footage horror film Host. Written and made over 12 weeks in a pandemic and based around a haunted Zoom call, few pandemic-made stories managed to nail the balance between both frighteningly topical and escapist quite so well.

The NBA Bubble Begins

Professional sports went into their bubbles, aka tightly controlled settings in which pro sports players live, practice, and play their respective seasons—to varying degrees of success. The NBA’s Disney World bubble went into effect on July 22nd for exhibition scrimmages, before launching into the final eight games of its regular 2019-2020 season and then the 2020 NBA playoffs. Twenty-two of the NBA’s 30 teams were invited to participate and ended the bubble in October with no recorded cases of COVID-19 amongst its participating players. The MLB bubble was… less successful.

SDCC @Home: WTF Was That? (July 22)

San Diego Comic-Con is one of the most important and lucrative pop culture events of the year, bringing hundreds of thousands of people into downtown San Diego to celebrate and discuss some of the largest franchises in the world. SDCC was one of the many in-person conventions that attempted to transfer its programming online in 2020 and… it didn’t really work. Part of the fun of Comic-Con is in the excitement of the crowd and the exclusivity of the events. (Though not on Thanksgiving, thank you very much.) There is nothing quite like getting to be part of a major Hall H announcement, and watching via video chat is just not the same.

August 2020

Tenet Comes Out in the UK (August 26th)

In what was largely a year without theatrical cinema in the U.S. and the U.K., a brief respite in COVID-19 cases and therefore lockdown meant a proper theatrical release for Christopher Nolan’s latest in August 2020. Sci-fi blockbuster Tenet hit U.K. theatres on August 26th, bringing in $5.3 million domestically in its first week of release and marking the first major studio release since the pandemic began.

American Sports Leagues Go on Strike to Protest Jacob Blake Shooting

Many professional sports in the U.S. came to a temporary halt when some players and teams refused to take the field or court following the police shooting of Jacob Blake, a 29-year-old Black American who was shot in the back and paralyzed by a police officer in front of his sons on August 23rd in Kenosha, Wisconsin. The incident re-ignited ongoing protests over racism and police brutality, with which many players and teams stood in solidarity. The NBA, WNBA, MLB, and MLS all postponed games as players protested Jacob Blake’s shooting.

Chadwick Boseman Passes Away (August 28th)

In a devastating loss to American culture, Chadwick Boseman, the star of Black Panther and many other films, passed away due to complications from colon cancer, a condition with which he had been living and working since a 2016 diagnosis. Boseman was one of the most successful Black actors and creators working today.

“He … knew that his voice was now strong and people were listening and paying attention,” wrote Kelley L. Carter in The Undefeated. “And he knew that even as this moment was victorious, Hollywood still needed to be called to task on the things that make this industry problematic, even as it was in the infant phases of creating a groundbreaking blockbuster with a mostly Black cast.”

September 2020

Tenet Flops in the U.S., Hollywood Abandons Ship for Fall 2020 (September 3)

While Tenet may have been a hit in the U.K., the Nolan blockbuster flopped upon its release in the U.S., where many theaters remained closed or empty through the summer and fall. The film would make around $58 million in the U.S. and Canada, prompting Hollywood studios to further push back major releases slated for the fall.

Mulan Becomes First Disney “Premier Access” Release (Sept. 4)

After several pandemic-caused release delays, Disney’s much-anticipated, live-action adaptation of Mulan became the first “Premier Access” release for Disney+, causing a bit of a stir. In the U.S. and in some other markets, Disney forwent releasing Mulan in theaters, instead offering a “Premier Access” window on Disney+ that viewers could access for an additional fee of $29.99. While the film received middling reviews from western critics, it was not received well in China. Additionally, a #BoycottMulan movement, which started out as a response to social media comments star Liu Yifei made in support of the Hong Kong police in their (sometimes violent) suppression of pro-democracy protestors, gained some traction in the lead up to the release.

Read more

Movies

How Mulan Maintains The Animated Film’s Queerness

By Natalie Zutter

Movies

Mulan: Disney Plus Grosses Exceed $200 Million? (Report)

By David Crow

I’m Thinking of Ending Things Makes People Go “Whaaa?” (Sept. 4)

As our Rosie Fletcher wrote in the “Ending Explained” for I’m Thinking of Ending Things: “[this story is] a movie, and a book, which really requires you to watch/read twice to actually fully understand.” It’s a gloriously confusing movie, and many in September dove right into the mystery chiller adapted by Charlie Kaufman from a novel by Iain Reid. As Fletcher put in her review, the film is “a perfect storm of philosophy, ambiguity and wankery.” What’s not to love?

October 2020

Trial of the Chicago 7 Debuts on Netflix (Oct. 16)

However you may feel about Aaron Sorkin, the man knows how to make a taut political drama. Trial of the Chicago 7 is a dramatic retelling of (as it says on the tin) the 1969-70 trial of the Chicago Seven, a group of anti–Vietnam War protesters charged with conspiracy and crossing state lines with the intention of inciting riots at the 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago. The movie has an all-star cast of dudes, and is both written and directed by Sorkin. It made many critics’ best-of-the-year lists and made a cultural splash when it dropped on Netflix in October, after a summer of American and global protests ignited by the killing of George Floyd and other Black Americans.

Borat 2 Makes (a Bigger) Fool Out of Rudy Giulilani (October 23rd)

Rarely do the paths of pop culture and politics so explicitly intersect as they did in Borat 2. The mockumentary comedy sequel came out in October, in the long, plateau-ed height of the lead up to the presidential election, and featured a scene in which Republican politician Rudy Giuliani puts his hand into his trousers in front of actress Maria Bakalova, who is impersonating a conservative journalist. While Giuliani attempted to spin the event in both the lead up to and following the release of the film on Amazon Prime, Sacha Baron Cohen told Good Morning America in an interview after the film’s release: “It is what it is. He did what he did.”

Read more

Movies

Maria Bakalova is Ready to Do Borat 3 in ‘Five Minutes’

By David Crow

Movies

Borat 2: Sacha Baron Cohen Reveals Dangerous Deleted Scene

By David Crow

The Queen’s Gambit Turns Everyone into a Chess Player (Oct. 23)

Odds are that, in October 2020, you either knew someone or were someone who watched The Queen’s Gambit and then fell hard into the world of chess. The Netflix period miniseries tracks the highs and lows of fictional chess prodigy Beth Harmon (the brilliant Anya Taylor-Joy), from her upbringing in a Kentucky orphanage in the 1950s to her time at the top of the competitive chess world in the 1960s. In its first month of release, The Queen’s Gambit became Netflix’s most-watched scripted miniseries, and sent chess set sales soaring—yet another sign of just how commercially and culturally powerful Netflix has become.

November 2020

PlayStation 5 Alleges Launches, But No One Can Get Them (Nov. 12)

Even if you aren’t a gamer, you probably heard about the release of the PlayStation 5. Though the PS5 technically became available in Australia, Japan, New Zealand, North America, Singapore, and South Korea on November 12th (and worldwide a week later), the limited supply of the console made it almost impossible to find.

As Matthew Byrd wrote in his November article on the subject: “We know that the initial PS5 shortage can at least partially be attributed to a shortage of the console’s chips (as well as distribution and manufacturing problems caused by the complications related to the COVID-19 pandemic), but as we’re already seeing in Europe where some who pre-ordered a PS5 were warned they may not receive their console until 2021, Sony faces some notable additional issues moving forward.”

This is partially a story of supply and demand, and the growth of gaming in general. According to a report by market researcher SuperData (via Venture Beat), the game industry grew 12% (to $139.9 billion) in 2020, with console games revenues up 28% from 2019. While growth is expected to be slower in 2021, as fewer people will hopefully be stuck at home, more people than ever are gtting their story fix in the world of gaming.

Read more

Games

PlayStation Bets on Big Games as Game Pass Slowly Wins a Console War

By Matthew Byrd

Games

Why PlayStation Store Closing on PS3 Should Matter to You

By Matthew Byrd

December 2020

WB Announces HBO Max Release Hybrid Model (Dec. 3)

In a move that seems to be paying off, in December, Warner Bros. announced that it would be moving to a release hybrid model through 2021, putting its entire 2021 film slate on HBO Max. As David Crow explained in our film section: “The move will put all 17 of WB’s scheduled 2021 films on a ‘hybrid’ model where films will premiere on HBO Max the same day as their theatrical release in the U.S. Technically speaking, the films will still be playing in theaters, particularly in international markets without HBO Max as a streaming option, but for the first (and most lucrative) month of their release, they’ll also be available on WarnerMedia’s streamer.”

People Actually Get to Play Cyberpunk 2077, Immediately Realize It’s Broken (Dec. 10)

Hooboy, Cyberpunk 2077. In December, after literal years of anticipation, CD Projekt released action RPG video game Cyberpunk 2077 to disastrous results. While the narrative and design of the game is ambitious and has its rewards, the rollout was plagued by performance issues (particularly in the console versions) that led to player backlash and actual lawsuits.

Read more

Games

Cyberpunk 2077 Lawsuits Explained

By Matthew Byrd

Games

Cyberpunk 2077 Roadmap Proves the Game Should Have Been Delayed to 2021

By Matthew Byrd

The Mandalorian Finale Breaks the Internet (Dec. 18)

Um, spoilers.

The second season of The Mandalorian may not have technically been the most-watched series of 2020, but it certainly felt like the most-talked-about, proving that, even in the era of streaming, there’s still such a thing as appointment television. This all came to a culmination with The Mandalorian Season 2 finale, “The Rescue,” which featured an appearance from Luke Skywalker himself.

Read more

TV

Could Durge’s Star Wars Return Lead to a Role in The Mandalorian or Book of Boba Fett?

By Joseph Baxter

TV

How The Mandalorian Challenges Star Wars’ History of Bad Dads

By Lacy Baugher

Wonder Woman 1984 Premieres (Dec. 25)

Wonder Woman 1984 dropped on Christmas Day in the United States, and quickly became the most-watched straight-to-streaming title of 2020 (knocking Disney+’s Hamilton out of the top spot), despite its middling reviews. In the U.S., it would be the first of WB’s “hybrid model” releases, getting a simultaneous release in theaters as well as on HBO Max.

Read more

Movies

Wonder Woman 1984 Star Connie Nielsen Defends Patty Jenkins’ Vision

By Don Kaye

Movies

Does Zack Snyder’s Justice League Set Up Wonder Woman 3?

By David Crow

Bridgerton Gets Saucy (Dec. 25)

Bridgerton, Netflix’s deliciously addicting period romance based on the Julia Quinn novels, also dropped on Christmas Day, and went on to become the streamer’s most watched series ever, reaching #1 in 76 countries. The Shondaland produced drama made leading man Regé-Jean Page a global star, so much so that the announcement that he would not be returning for Season 2 (as each season focuses on a different romantic pairing featuring a member of the Bridgerton family) into a bit of a meltdown. Bridgerton has already secured another three seasons—a post-Season 1 announcement that is unprecedented for a Netflix original.

Read more

TV

Why Bridgerton Had to Let Regé-Jean Page Go

By Amanda-Rae Prescott

TV

Will Bridgerton Become the Next Game of Thrones?

By Kayti Burt

Soul Brings on the Feels (Dec. 25)

Called Pixar’s “most ambitious movie in years” by Den of Geek film editor David Crow, Soul was another Christmas release that brought solace to people stuck at home, many without their families, for the holidays. Directed by Pixar vet Pete Docter (Up, Monsters, Inc., Inside Out) and co-directed by Kemp Powers (One Night in Miami, Star Trek: Discovery), the film follows middle school music teacher and pianist Joe Gardner as he seeks to reunite his soul and his body after they are accidentally separated, just before his big break as a jazz musician. 

January 2021

The Little Things Kicks Off WB’s 2021 Film Slate on Streaming (Jan. 29)

Fans of crime thriller and/or Denzel Washington and Rami Malek flock to HBO Max and theaters for the hybrid release of The Little Things, the first of WB’s planned 2021 slate.

Read more

Movies

The Little Things is Better Than a Seven Copycat

By Don Kaye

Movies

The Little Things and the Mystery of Denzel Washington’s Character Explained

By David Crow

February 2021

WandaVision Ensnares Us

Stop hogging the zeitgeist, Marvel!

In February, Disney+ released its first MCU show, WandaVision, and it broke the internet. The miniseries, created by Jac Schaeffer and starring Elizabeth Olsen as Wanda Maximoff/Scarlet Witch, wowed audiences with its clever use of the sitcom format and superhero tropes to tell a story about grief that, for all of its fantastical elements, was oh so relatable.

Read more

TV

How WandaVision’s Doctor Strange 2 Connection Evolved

By Joseph Baxter

TV

WandaVision: The Unanswered Questions From the Marvel Series

By Gavin Jasper

Judas and the Black Messiah Debuts (Feb. 12)

Daniel Kaluuya and Lakith Stanfield lead an all-star cast in this 1960s period piece that follows the real life story of Black Panther Party chairman Fred Hampton, who was the victim of a targeted assassination by the FBI. In a year that saw an increased mainstream awareness of Black trauma, the Oscar-nominated Judas and the Black Messiah shone a cinematic light on yet another state-led historical injustice against Black Americans.

Charisma Carpenter Speaks Her Truth

In February, actress Charisma Carpenter came forward with allegations about Joss Whedon’s alleged abuses of power during her time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, inspired by Ray Fisher’s own efforts to seek justice and systemic reform for Whedon’s alleged behavior on Justice League.

My truth. #IStandWithRayFisher pic.twitter.com/eNjYcJ6zwP

— charisma carpenter (@AllCharisma) February 10, 2021

Joss Wheadon’s on-set treatment of the cast and crew of Justice League was gross, abusive, unprofessional, and completely unacceptable. He was enabled, in many ways, by Geoff Johns and Jon Berg. Accountability>Entertainment

— Ray Fisher (@ray8fisher) July 1, 2020

Pokemania Returns

Many older millennials have spent their time during quarantine reconnecting with their childhood faves. This culminates with a massive renewed interest in Pokemon cards to the point where McDonald’s Happy Meals with Pokemon cards as toys sell out instantly.

Read more

Sponsored

How Pokémon Snap Helped Pioneer the Photo Mode Era

By Matthew Byrd

Sponsored

Why Pokémon Has Endured For 25 Years

By Alec Bojalad

Did we miss anything? What have been the stories and pop culture trends that have helped get you through the pandemic so far? Let us know in the comments below.

The post The Pandemic in Pop Culture Trends appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3tFxFBF

[turning-the-kaleidoscope]

Ahhh it’s been a while but I wrote another hug prompt!! unfortunately I can’t remember exactly who had requested this prompt in particular jklsdfsdf, but have some soft Teru + Shigeo + Dadreigen at the end, sickfic style bc 1) i can and 2) soft hurt/comfort is so therapeutic so heck yeah!! i hope you guys like it! :D

hug prompt 17: a hug where one muse stops the other from collapsing (with Teru and Shigeo) 

Teru likes the company. After being alone for so long with only a collection of fake friends, he enjoys all the company he has with Shigeo and the others. He treasures every moment. 

So he invites them over regularly for games and movies and snacks all the time. Sometimes all at once. Sometimes one at a time. Tonight is one of those latter times, when it's just him and Shigeo. He likes Shigeo a lot, more than he's able to put into words, and his company is always welcomed. 

Except this time, in the middle of the visit and quite suddenly, Shigeo comes down ill. And looking back on it, Teru should have seen the signs, even if Shigeo thought he was fine. It took him way too long to figure out what the problem was. 

But as soon as he knows what's wrong, he's in full caretaker mode--a mode he only knows after being looked after by Reigen while sick himself. He isn't glad Shigeo is under the weather, but he's been waiting for this opportunity to take care of his friends like they've done for him, and he approaches it with what might be a bit too much enthusiasm. 

"Reigen told me that you feed a cold and starve a fever," he quotes as he reads over a bottle of fever relievers from last he got sick. "And he made me take these, they're supposed to help."

"Are they?" Shigeo asks, and it isn't snarky, but the exhaustion in his tone brings it across that way. "I don't think my fever is very high, Teru…"

"Any fever is high enough to be taken care of," Teru says resolutely. "Trust me, I've got this."

"It's not that I don't trust you," Shigeo says, "but I really do think I'm fine, you don't have to worry about me."

"Listen, Shige." Teru pauses, long enough to look him in the eyes. He looks miserable, a lot more miserable than he seems, sitting on the edge of Teru's futon with a blanket around his shoulders. He isn't flushed (yet) but there's a glossiness in his eyes that speaks of a festering fever. 

He sighs. "You, Reigen, everyone… you've always looked after me, yknow? Always took care of me, made sure I was okay… and, I never really had the chance to repay that, properly. So… let me worry about you a lil, alright? It might sound silly, but I want to."

"Okay."

"Huh? That quick?"

"I mean," Shigeo fiddles with the blanket, "I think I understand what you mean. So if you really want to, I don't have any trouble with it."

Teru blinks, but it softens into a smile. "Alrightee!" He salutes without really thinking about it. "Leave this to me, then!"

Shigeo cracks a smile, and Teru sets about measuring the proper dose of medicine. 

It's easy, really, it is. 

Until that night. And it's around that time when things start to go from manageable to scary. It occurs to Teru in the most unpleasant of ways that he really, really doesn't know what he's doing. 

At all. 

And he should probably get in contact with someone who does. 

It isn't that Shigeo is sick in obvious ways. He isn't throwing up or unconscious or delirious or anything like that, he's just… very, very still. Quietly miserable and hard to rouse. Lethargic. Feverish, and very. The medicine didn't do its job. It's done nothing but rise since earlier that day and Teru is scared of giving him a second dose. 

"Hey, Shigeo?" He shakes his shoulder, and hates the heat he can feel, even through the blanket. "Dude, wake up, I need to take your temperature."

Shigeo doesn't stir at first and Teru's mind leaps to the worst of conclusions, but finally, his eyes slip open. He's flushed now, red in the cheeks and pale everywhere else. His eyes are glassy like marbles and carry only what light is reflected in them from Teru's phone flashlight. 

"What?" He sounds groggy. Not entirely there. 

Teru kneels by the futon and nods. "Temperature. Think you can keep this under your tongue?"

Shigeo nods and Teru hands it to him, and while he's doing that, gets up and retrieves a fresh cold plaster from the bathroom. He doesn't expect it to do much good, but it's better than nothing. 

He returns just as the thermometer beeps, and he kneels down and takes it from Shigeo's clammy fingers. Through the light of his phone, he examines the reading. 

39.4

Teru swallows down the bile in his throat. Shigeo doesn't ask him what it says, just shuts his eyes again and curls his fingers by his throat loosely. Teru peels back the not-cold-anymore plaster from his sweaty forehead, brushes his damp hair out of the way, and then replaces it with the fresh one. 

He needs to call someone. Someone who'd know what to do, someone who's done this before. Like Reigen. Or Serizawa. Serizawa lives closer, it's be faster, but Reigen might know more, might be able to stand in a crisis better--and Teru still doesn't know Serizawa very well, Reigen is a better bet. Plus, now that he thinks about it, he doesn't even have Serizawa's number. 

He checks on Shigeo one more time, makes sure the plaster is properly set on his forehead and the blankets are around his shoulders before he gets to his feet and steps down into the hallway, already dialing and holding the phone to his ear. It's only around 11pm; he doesn't know how late Reigen typically stays up, but--

“Yo, Teruki, what’s up?” 

He doesn't sound like someone who'd just woken up. And it only took two rings, too. But Teru doesn't let himself breathe a sigh of relief yet. 

"Hi, Reigen," he says, and forces the guilt away before it has the chance to start. This is for Shigeo. "I-I know it's late, I'm sorry, but--Shigeo's at my place, we've been hanging out, but he's sick and his fever spiked and I…” He has to stop and take a breath, suddenly lightheaded. “ I don't know what to do."

Reigen swears under his breath. "Okay, okay--how long's he had the fever?"

"Since before he got here, I think." He's calmer now than before and regains the steadiness of his voice. "But it's gotten a lot higher since then."

"How high?"

"39.4."

Another swear. “Is he awake?” 

"On and off. Usually I have to wake him. I gave him medicine earlier, the medicine you brought over last time--I don't think it did anything, though, he's just--he's really sick. I'm--I’m worried. About him."

"Okay, yeah, I'll be over there soon, okay? Give me five minutes."

It's such a relief and Teru can't help but feel the urge to laugh. "Th-Thank you," he breathes. 

"Don't mention it, it's alright. Keep an eye on him until I get there, okay?"

"I will, thank you."

“No prob, kiddo. See you in just a minute.” 

He hangs up and Teru's hand slumps down to his side, a breath escaping him. It's fine, Reigen will be here soon, it's okay--

"Teru? Was that Reigen?"

"Yeah?" He turns without thinking, and sees Shigeo standing in the doorway on untrustworthy feet. It clicks a second later than it should. "Shige, what are you doing up? You need to rest, come on--"

Shigeo is incredible, he really is. Sweet, clever in his own special ways, golden-hearted and gentle while simultaneously being a force of nature that Teru would never want on his bad side. 

But he can also be so, so incredibly dumb. Even when his body sends him every signal it can telling him to stay down and leave the walking to the non-feverish ones, he does it anyway without realizing it. 

Teru sees it coming probably before Shigeo knows it is. He sways, the glass in his irises becomes thicker and more heavily clouded, and then--

"Shigeo!"

He teleports, actually, without thinking, and still only just barely catches him before he faceplants the floor. Shigeo slumps and Teru holds him easily; Shigeo doesn't weigh much; but his skin is burning, and his forehead digs into Teru's collarbone and sends him into a panic. 

"Hey, are you okay? Are you with me? Hey, Shigeo."

"Sorry." He sounds out of breath, worn out. Sick. "I thought it'd be fine…"

Teru tries to get a better hold, tightening his arms around his shoulders and gripping his shirt with curled fingers. “You're sick, Shige, you need to stay in b--” A shift in Shigeo's weight, and Teru takes all of it. He slips. “Okay, okay we're going down--”

He lets them down as gently as he can, but his knees still hit the floor too hard and he winces, not excited about the bruising. But for now he focuses on Shigeo, who is still a too-warm, too-limp weight against him. It's easier to support him from the ground, though.

Teru maneuvers himself into a somewhat more comfortable spot, legs criss-crossed with Shigeo tucked close and secure. “Damn it, Shige, you need to rest…” 

“S… Sorry...” 

Teru sighs and rests his chin on the top of his head. “As soon as Reigen gets here, you’re going back to bed and you’re gonna stay there. Okay? You can’t get better if you keep pushing yourself like this, dummy.” 

Shigeo nods, and Teru feels it more than anything, but it’s enough for him, for now. If he wants to pursue the argument later (if it’s even worth it), then he can do it later. Right now he really does want Shigeo to rest, so he stays quiet and lets him. His fever is still much, much too high and not getting any lower. 

When Reigen knocks at the door, Teru opens it with a flick of his powers and Reigen is on them both immediately. His first question is why they’re on the floor--and of course that’s a valid question--and once Teru’s finished explaining, Reigen wastes no time. He’s gone full mama-bear mode now and it’d take more than Claw’s entire arsenal to stop him. 

He carries Shigeo with a brisk powerwalk and Teru jogs to flank him. After that, it’s like a routine. Reigen gets Shigeo to wake up, has him take another dose of medicine, uses a wet rag instead of a plaster (“Easier to deal with. Plus, ice water’s a lot colder.”), checks Shigeo’s fever (39.4 again, holding), and after that there isn’t a lot left to do. Reigen assures Teru that he’s got it covered and he’ll look out for Shigeo now, but it still takes a good hour or two before Teru finally falls asleep. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Admittedly, the armchair isn’t the best place to sleep, but Shigeo has the futon and for one night, Teru doesn’t mind. He wakes up with a crick in his neck and the feeling that he hadn’t slept at all, but forgives it and sits up. Reigen glances over at him in acknowledgment before returning his gaze to Shigeo. Reigen doesn’t look like he pulled an all-nighter, but there’s no doubt in Teru’s mind about it. 

Teru gets to his feet and quietly makes his way over. “How’s he doing?” 

“Better,” Reigen answers, scooting over. Teru sits down on the floor beside him. “His fever broke pretty quick after spiking, I’m just letting him rest now.”

Teru nods and looks over Shigeo for himself. He’s still flushed, as to be expected, but it’s lesser now and he’s definitely sleeping more peacefully. The tension in his shoulders ease, and he finally lets himself relax. 

“Hey, Teruki.” 

“Yeah?” 

He turns, and at the same time, Reigen’s hand lands on his shoulder. “I’m glad you called me,” he says with a soft kind of smile that’s a bit uncharacteristic for him, but still perfectly and entirely Reigen. “Actually, I’m proud of you for calling me. It would’ve been easy to just pretend you knew what you were doing, so… thanks, for letting me help out.” 

Teru blinks, first at the hand on his shoulder and then at Reigen, but before long he's smiling. 

"Thank you for being there," he returns. Reigen's smile redoubles and he ruffles Teru's hair. 

It's been hard to train himself out of that mindset of handling things himself, no matter how devastating, but he's gotten better at accepting others' help, whether he wants it or needs it. He isn't perfect yet, but they're getting there. They'll get there. 

[gilaelin]

I just wanted to let you know that I am alright and I am sorry I didn’t come online after that worrisome post on Monday. I will let you know more about my week under the cut because it could trigger some people. But what I can say is that me and my family are alright and so are our homes. However because of everything that has happened I am tired and also really not in mindset to write. I hope to fix that next week.

So I don’t know how the news got reported abroad. I know in Europe what happened in the South West of France was on tv since I received plenty of messages from my Irish friends. Basically during last Sunday night it was raining like hell and when I woke up Monday there was a flood in the area I live. It was massive and deadly (you can read about it here). As of now 14 people have lost their lives and we fear we might still find dead bodies in the days to come. I live on the second floor in the city centre so I was okay. Thank God nobody I knew died. However it is still a massive disaster that is hard to cope with (especially when we had a terrorist attack here too only a few months ago). It just feels like a bad greek tragedy and fate not wanting to give us a break.

On top of that emotional distress, I work for the government so I was pulled from my normal duties to work at the crisis hotline all week, sometimes until past 11pm. It was hard to be on the phone dealing with everything and the traumatised, desperate or angry people. I hope they don’t ask me to come back this weekend because five days of crisis hotline is more than enough. So really I am emotionally and physically drained. I try not to complain too much because I was very lucky compared to others who lost loved ones or everything they owed. But it just doesn’t feel right to be on my blogs and writing and chatting as if nothing had happened. And also I need to rest this weekend.

[therapy101]

What To Consider When You’re Considering A Career in Psychology

Your Long Term Goals

The first question you should ask yourself is, are my long-term goals aligned with a career in psychology? 

Take some time to really think about what you want to do as a career. Not what you want to be – what you want to do. How do you imagine your daily work life? What kinds of tasks do you want to do? What kind of setting do you want to work in? Who do you want to interact with (if anyone)? What kind of things would make you miserable in a job? Would you hate to have to be somewhere every day at 8am, or would you hate receiving 11pm emails or phone calls from your team? Do you like doing long-term projects or would you prefer to be truly “done” at the end of your work day? Do you want leadership roles, and if so, what kind? How much money do you want to make? Are there accommodations you might want or need? 

If you’re like me (a lover of organization and lists and planning), then you might want to make some kind of document to organize what you want and what you don’t want. You might want to prioritize them- maybe “working with kids in the foster system” is a necessity but “never being on-call” is a want but not an absolute need. However you want to think about your goals, get a good sense of them, and then compare them to existing sorts of jobs and responsibilities in psychology. (See my “what is a clinical psychologist and how do I become one” post here).

The positive thing here is that careers in psychology are incredibly varied, so you are likely to find paths that will fit your long-term goals (assuming you are interested in psychology, mental health, human services, social sciences, etc., in general). However- one of the pitfalls I have seen a number of people fall into when pursuing psychology is that the position or path they had in mind isn’t actually a great fit for them. So here is a short list of examples where a person’s goals don’t align with their chosen path:

 A person who wants a clinical position but doesn’t want to do paperwork or doesn’t want to have interactions with other people.

 A person who wants to have their own private practice but having a steady and good income is a necessity.

A person who wants to create change in mental health systems but doesn’t want a leadership role.

A person who wants to work with a high needs or high risk group but doesn’t want to work nights or weekends or be on call.

A person who wants to do research but also wants to work for themselves.

I can’t possibly list all the potential matches or mismatches here, so one way to understand what it really means to pursue your long-term goals is to find someone who has the kind of position you want, and ask them lots of questions to see whether the position is really a good fit for you.

Some of these mismatches are negotiable as long as you are flexible- so with the #2 example, a person might choose to get a clinical job with some kind of agency to have a steady income while simultaneously building their private practice. I’m going to talk more about flexibility below, but in short- being as flexible as possible with the specifics can help you achieve the big picture parts of your goals.

Your Personal Qualities

The second question to ask yourself is,

are my personal qualities a good fit with the psychology field in general and my chosen path in particular? 

This is not a question of whether you are “good enough” for psychology. We all have strengths and weaknesses and neutral qualities, and those qualities align better with some paths than others. Psychology is a great fit for me, because I love nuance and complicated questions, have a lot of resilience and perseverance, have empathy but am good at remaining objective, am very calm in a crisis, and am willing to put up with a certain amount of administrative and other bullshit in order to do the things I enjoy. Medicine on the other hand, would not have been a good fit, because I am terrible at memorization, get incredibly nauseous when seeing medical events (let alone being a part of them!), would never be able to keep to a 15 or 20 minute appointment, and would not physically be able to do residency given the huge sleep deprivation residents experience. 

So think about your personality traits, your behavioral habits, your preferences, your physical needs, your learning style- all of it, and then again, compare to what is typically needed for psychologists. Here’s an incomplete list:

Critical thinking skills

Social skills

Communication skills

Ability to take criticism

Ability to assess your skills and weaknesses

Distress tolerance skills

Emotion regulation skills

Conscientiousness

Ability to translate theory into practice

Ability to think quickly

Ability to stay calm and be effective in a crisis

Abstract thinking skills

Ability to integrate multiple sources of information

Ability to separate out subjective opinion versus objective information

Ability to tolerate ambiguity and accept that there’s often “right” answer or “right” solution

Thoughtfulness

Thoroughness

Metacognition (ability to think about your own thinking)

Willingness to work with people (clients) you don’t “like” or agree with

Ability to work as a team

Leadership skills

Writing skills

An adequate understanding or willingness to learn about research methods & statistics

A strong ethical foundation

Willingness to advocate for yourself and others

Ability to tolerate/interact with/be a part of bureaucracy 

Ability to see the “big picture” as well as manage the small details

Organization

Cognitive flexibility

Ability to set your own goals and meet them (without external deadlines or pressure)

Independence

Integrity

Fairness

Cultural competency

Ability to assess your own bias and identify how to manage the impact of that bias

Self-management/self-motivation

Ability to try again after failure

Interest on ongoing learning and training

Interest in innovation and improvement across the discipline

Drive/ambition

I am not saying that if you don’t have all of the skills and qualities, you cannot be a psychologist. Some things you can learn and some you can avoid if you pick positions wisely. But if you find yourself going down this list and struggling to see yourself in these traits in general, or finding them unappealing, then it’s a sign this isn’t right for you.

Education & Training

The third question to ask yourself is a two parter:

1) What kind of education and training is a good fit for me?

This goes back to the idea of some paths being a better fit for your personal qualities than others. If we’re thinking of psychology broadly (so, including PhD/PsyD programs as well as master’s level programs and medical school), the different types of graduate training vary significantly. PhD/PsyD program (the quality ones, anyway) programs are focused on research, clinical training, and scholarship (mostly in that order). Master’s programs are focused on clinical training, with some interest in scholarship and usually minimal interest in research. Medical programs are interested in scholarship initially and then medical (not clinical in the same way) training later, with again minimal interest in research. 

All of that means that the programs have different kinds of approaches and requirements. PhD programs are about critical thinking, deep engagement in the scholarship and then application of theories to clinical work and research, improving clinical practice and outcomes via research, and vice versa- improving research by understanding clinical needs and learning from clinical experiences. A PhD program is for people who love essays, debate, and thinking about things from many angles without coming to an absolute answer. Medical programs are about learning things- biochemistry, anatomy and physiology, diagnostic criteria, etc.- and then applying them effectively and efficiently in medical settings. An MD program is for people who like having the “right” answer, who are doers (as opposed to contemplators, not that these are exclusive), and who are really good at deductive reasoning (and so probably love multiple choice exams).

Master’s programs vary a lot by discipline- social work vs. counseling vs. marital and family therapy vs. other things- so I won’t try to capture all of them fully. But in general a professional master’s- like social work, etc., that lead to a degree –are about learning the primary skills and knowledge you need to be a competent part of that profession. A master’s program is for people who want to get into the field (or out of school) as quickly as possible, who learn quickly and/or through experience rather than school, and who see themselves as being direct contact professionals rather than being in leadership roles.

2) How much post-college training am I willing to do? 

It takes a long time to become a psychologist. (see again my post here). For clinical psychologists, it typically takes 6 years to receive a PhD, and then probably another year to get licensed. You may not be willing to do this- and that’s okay. Think very deeply about your willingness to be in school for a long time, to not make very much money, etc. Maybe it’s worth it to you (it has been for me). But if it isn’t- think about how much you are willing to do. Are you okay with 2 years of a master’s plus a year or so to get licensed? That’s probably the least you can do if you want to be licensed. Again, if that’s not acceptable- that is okay. But you should now start to look at what kinds of jobs you can get in psychology with a BA/BS. Those jobs will make less money and have a lower ceiling in terms of advancement, which might work fine for you, but if they don’t, start looking at other fields. If you’re okay with playing a more administrative role, you could consider those sorts of positions. You can still be a part of a clinical, research, and/or academic team, although with less direct involvement and less money (still pretty okay money, though).

Bonus: If you would like to become a researcher and/or get a faculty position (of any kind), you will probably need to do at least one postdoc, meaning between 2 and 4 (or more) years of training after you receive your PhD. This is a huge commitment. Again, you might be okay with this (I am), but many people are not. Although you might be one of the few who gets a research or faculty job right out of grad school, that is not the likely outcome. So be honest with yourself about how much you are willing to do, and if it will be acceptable to you to take another path if needed.

Financing

Make sure you understand how much it will cost to get your training completed, and compare that against your likely income

(let’s talk more about that, below).

In the past, I would note that one reason to go PhD and/or to pursue the best possible university-based graduate program you can is because you will get more funding. I received tuition remission, health insurance and a (small) stipend while I was in graduate school. This hugely cuts down on the cost of graduate school and may even allow you to complete graduate school without taking out loans. However, as of this writing I don’t know what will become of the tax bill that would tax undergraduate and graduate students for tuition remission. If that passes, the cost of graduate school will significantly increase- and while having tuition remission will still be cheaper than paying tuition, I can’t imagine that not taking any loans will be feasible unless you have another, significant source of income or a lot of savings, etc. If it does not pass (fingers crossed), then my typical advice applies- get yourself to a program that will pay you to go, both because it helps a lot financially and because it’s a sign of a quality program. A PhD or PsyD program that does not pay you to go is of questionable quality- avoid at all costs. Still, most doctoral psychologists take out significant loans- the last average I saw was over 50k on average by the time students were applying to internship (which is very expensive). 

MD programs and medical programs often do charge tuition and may not have much in the way of scholarships or assistantships to help out. In those cases it doesn’t mean as much about the program’s quality. But in either case- make sure you fully understand your prospective financial burden (including cost of living, medical, emergency costs, etc etc) and make sure it is feasible for you while you are in school and that you will have a reasonable way to pay back loans. 

One thing to look at is loan repayment programs. In the United States (again, as of this writing) there are several government-funded programs to repay loans. The Public Service Loan Repayment Program will forgive all loans for people in public service jobs (make sure yours will apply, most psychologists working in public or not for profit agencies will qualify, private practice does not) after making 120 on-time, non-consecutive payments. NIH Loan Repayment Program will pay up to $35,000 per year for two years for psychologists and other researchers in specific positions (again, make sure you will qualify- federal employees do not qualify for this program). There are also a number of programs (federal and not) that will make loan payments for clinicians working in underserved areas and/or with underserved groups- for example, the Indian Health Service often includes loan forgiveness with their job postings because it can be hard to hire clinicians to work with Nations living in more remote areas.

Income

Make sure you understand how much a typical psychologist makes, and look at average income by area and specific job.

According to BLS, the median psychologist made $75,230 in 2016. The range is huge, though, which is why you’ll want to do some digging to see how much psychologists in the position and area you want to be in make. If you’re looking at public jobs like universities and the VA, those salaries are public so you should be able to find good numbers online.

What I want to emphasize to you is that although there are some psychologists who make a lot of money, they are not the norm. Most psychologists are solidly middle class but definitely not upper class. If you want to make a lot of money- or, think you can easily take care of $200,000 of loans with your huge psychology income –think again.

The psychologists who make the most money are: people who specialize in doing high-risk assessments, like forensic assessment or child custody cases (you’ll also need really good liability insurance); people who have leadership roles in big organizations (like, being the director for mental health at a big city VA, or being a dean at a prestigious university); people who have created an assessment that other psychologists are willing to pay a lot of money for; people who are really good at something (usually statistics or a innovate methodology like genetics) and become consultants, often to pharmaceutical companies or similar; people who are really big deal researchers (like Aaron Beck); people providing assessment and/or consultation and/or QI to big institutions with a lot of money (like running the concussion protocol at NFL games) and people who own cash pay private practices in upper class areas. It’s definitely okay to pursue a job like this, but they are competitive and rare, and often more available to people already established in the field as opposed to early career people. So for example, one of my professors consults with groups like the FBI and the NFL, but they have literal decades of experience in their area of expertise and so worked their way up to that point. 

Moving

Make sure you are okay with moving at least once in pursuit of your goals.

Although it is not impossible to stay within one metro area to complete all of your training and then get a job, it is unlikely and not recommended for people in PhD or MD programs- the idea is that by living in different regions and training in different institutions and with different mentors, you get a wider array of experience and training. Master’s programs have fewer steps so although you may move, it’s not unreasonable to stay in one primary place for all of your training. In my case, I have lived in 3 states during my training (all at least 1000 miles away from the others), none of which are my home state. That’s not atypical, so think about whether you’re willing to move several times in pursuit of great training and/or employment opportunities. It’s not absolutely necessary to move that many times, but it’s unlikely you’ll stay in one place throughout. Being “geographically limited” is not an absolute deal-breaker, but the more flexible you can be, the better your chances of getting into a program or getting a job that you really want. Remember that everyone else also wants to be in NYC, California, Boston, etc., so try to expand your horizons to less popular locations and institutions- if they are a good fit for you. There are some really great programs in the Midwest, for example (and not just in Chicago).

Flexibility

Ask yourself, how flexible am I willing to be, both in the journey and in the final(ish) result? There is a saying that it’s important to be flexible in the details as long as you reach your big picture goal, and that applies very well to psychology. If your goal is “Be a tenured professor at UC Berkeley” or “Own a private practice in Manhattan,” those are laudable and exciting goals. But they are both very specific and very ambitious. So again, think about what you really want out of your career. What are the key elements? And then consider how you can be more flexible in the rest. It’s okay to have a dream position at UC Berkeley or a vision of yourself in a practice overlooking Central Park or whatever, but understand that this may not be attainable to you, and it might not end up being the best fit for you. So if you can broaden your goals to include the essential elements but less of the specifics, you come to a more likely but still exciting goal. So for those two examples, you might change them to “Work in a clinical psychology PhD program” or “Have a clinical practice position focused on women’s health.”

You also must consider whether it would be acceptable for you to fail. You may be extremely talented, driven, hard working, and passionate. But this is a competitive field, and no matter how ‘good’ you are, no matter how qualified and competent, you may not get the position you want. That’s true for academia, but it’s also true for other positions. So think carefully- if you fail, if you are rejected, will that be okay? Are you willing to try over and over, even if it means receiving rejection after rejection? Are you okay with changing direction if needed? If only one possible outcome is acceptable to you, and the time you’ve spent will not be worth it unless you reach that goal, then this may not be the right path for you.

Final Question: Do you really understand what you’re getting into?

I have no idea how much research you’ve done or how much you know about the field of psychology in general or your chosen path in particular. But I want to emphasize to you- in case it’s needed –that being a psychologist or being in the field more broadly is not like it may seem from the media. Keep in mind that you are more likely to work in a small windowless office with generic and hideous floral prints on the walls than a beautiful office overlooking the ocean and furnished with a comfy couch for your clients and a leather recliner for you. You will work really hard for your clients and will often not see any improvement, and they may not be grateful to you. You will probably get yelled at, cursed at, threatened, ghosted, and possibly even assaulted by the people you are trying to help. You will work really hard on research projects you truly believe in and have reviewers and editors and mentors tear it to pieces. You will be rejected and condescended to by the leaders of your field. Even though you will be an expert in your area, your clients and colleagues and the public will doubt you. You may suffer from burn out. You may struggle financially. My point is: This is a very hard field. The media often makes it look comfortable and easy, like all you do is wear expensive, somewhat boho clothing and sit in a beautiful room doling out perfect advice to rich and sad white women. Although there are some psychologists who do fit that description, it’s rare. This field is wonderful- truly, I love it –but it is very difficult and you must understand what you’re signing up for. If it’s not a fit for you, figure it out as soon as possible so you don’t waste your time.

Actually, One More Question: Is it worth it to you?

This is my personal criteria for pursuing a graduate degree (of any kind):

1. You will enjoy the training experience itself. AND/OR

2. You should care so much about your chosen field that even if you won’t enjoy the training, it’s worth it to you.

If it’s worth it, and maybe even sounds fun and exciting and enjoyable- do it. If after reading this you find yourself googling “jobs that require only a bachelor’s,” then don’t. This is a wonderful, enriching, important, fulfilling field- but only if it’s worth it to you. If not, there are other careers where you can still help people, advance science, improve health outcomes, understand people, etc. Find the one that works for you.

[schwinns2ndlaw]

listening through a new brain (2015)

prologue: frogs have so much spring:

homeless lady/grace singing in the prologue reminds me about how she, being homeless and really having nothing, ties together this theme of mortality, and life’s strangeness, and being grateful for what you have despite the circumstances.

gordon hasn’t “finish[ed] one song,” so i wonder how long he’s been employed with mr bungee

rhoda and gordon’s bickering/conversation feels really familiar between them. i wonder how long they’ve been friends; i hope since college,,, i have a lot of love for rhoda being the pillar of Work Ethic and advice and support and being a little bit bossy

prologue: 911 emergency/i have so many songs:

from the second song bill finn sets up a picture of normal gay culture (ex: the reality of having to worry about hiv, “mr bungee’s homophobic”) and i have so much love for how candid and unapologetic he is about telling lgbt stories. he is gay and jewish and goddamn his work is gay and jewish and that’s beautiful

heart and music:

i love what they did with the transition from i have so many songs to heart and music with the pulse ox.

also i gotta love the classic bill finn rhyme of horses & divorces. fucking iconic

one thing here that distinguishes anb from his other works, is, i think, how the songs are structured as an album. though falsettos and a new brain are both sung through, a new brain’s core songs are much more apparent, the first of which being heart and music. also bc they’re the only ones on the obc album but still. it’s interesting to see how he handles transition songs in a new brain. imo, the transitions in anb are weaker than his other shows: falsettos is more continuous, and 25th annual putnam county spelling bee has a different format (there’s dialogue), plus has transitions for comedic purposes (the goodbye songs)

mother’s gonna make things fine:

mother’s gonna make things fine has a manic comedic quality to it and ana gasteyer pulls it off really well. i esp like her blocking for that part

trouble in his brain:

“the invincibility of gordon michael schwinn” is a really interesting line to me. mimi and rhoda both say it — it’s a well known thing among those who know gordon. i wonder if this ties into gordon’s well-known desire to have a [musical] legacy or if it’s applied to other parts of his life?

be polite to everyone:

be polite to everyone is kind of a jam for a hallucination. i like jonathan groff’s acting choices in it (in the boot) that further clarify that he’s hallucinating because im dumb and found anb at like 1am a while back and didn’t get things at first. i just… accepted that mr bungee was there tbh

i’d rather be sailing:

the instrumentals in i’d rather be sailing are so soothing. it’s 11pm and aaron lazar is singing me a lullaby and all is right in the world. god, what charming, gorgeous voice, and what stellar execution. i have such a soft spot for aaron lazar after his performance in a new brain; it’s a charming role and he pulls it off with such decorum and sincerity. also i just fucking love roger. okay i was going to analyze this bit but it’s just a really sweet love song and i sometimes think about how this is the closest thing that william finn has written to a love song for his partner, and like,,, Y’all I Love This Song

(also. the piano [though it’s not marked as a specific dynamic in the sheet music] high note he sings at the end is stellar.)

family history:

family history is honestly really funny. that’s all

gordo’s law of genetics:

i love the slight changes to this arrangement in the revival recording but i will not rest until “why is the smart son always the gay son?” “schwinn’s second law” is put back in the recording. i wonder why they cut that?

also the blocking in this part is super cute i love the rolling chair and jonathan’s conducting and “air drums”

and they’re off:

i binge listened to and they’re off and then set it as my alarm and now I’m a little tired of it and that makes me sad :’(

STILL it’s a BOP and  i love the rhyming in it and everyone sounds so good. this song is overlooked in its exposition of mimi; it gives insight to the circumstances that shaped her as a person. and they’re off gives an explanation behind her anger at gordon’s fatalistic behavior

last note for and they’re off: groff’s vocals are great here - i can feel the love he has for this song and this score

roger arrives:

i love roger arrives for all of the character dynamics it brings

roger is: -loved by all (“hallelujah” - mimi, which, like, same) -looking fit -damned appropriate -a strong emotional pillar -a dreamboat, and that’s the tea!

roger and gordon’s first irl interaction is so comical and quirky and real. i’m a little peeved they omitted rogers “no” (and a few other phrases from the performance) in response to gordon asking if he left after he found out. the first time i listened through i thought roger might’ve actual left afterwards and was ready to throw hands

roger rolls with gordon’s insanity with such stride and :’)

the whole “he looks good”/“he looks pale”/“he looks better” showcases everyone’s different outlooks on the situation and god knows i live for characterization through song

ROGER’S LITTLE STINT/IMPLICATION IN “GO GET DINNER. ROGER HAS ARRIVED” IS FUNNY HONESTLY. there was a youtube performance i watched where the roger - idr which video - emphasized this joke more. it was hilarious and i wish aaron lazar had leaned into that a bit

just go:

i love how unique roger and gordon’s dynamic is. it feels quirky and unique and real and honestly. also the two get some gorgeous melodic lines and harmonies

“sometimes when you talk, i feel so damn woozy” roger wins at romance

tl;dr gordon: you will get these hands if you stay roger: love you too

mri tomorrow:

LET ME JUST TALK ABOUT “time to go to sleep. you’ll be brave as zorro” I HAVE NO IDEA WHETHER BILL FINN USED ZORRO AS A DESPERATE RHYME (PROBABLY) BUT I LOVE THE IDEA THAT ROGER IS AN OLD SCHOOL COMICS NERD

also in the boot, gordon just gives roger a /look/ after saying this and i love it. he probably uses outdated phrases of speech too

poor, unsuccessful, and fat:

JOSH LAMON IS A COMEDIC FORCE

“my sister is a receptionist” bill finn. where is gordon’s sister? what is she doing (besides being a receiptionist)? her brother’s in the hospital c’mon

“thank you for coming/ thank you for going” another example of this sort of underhanded humor. i like the sort of theme around Visitors in the hospital room and the people you surround yourself with in crisis

sitting becalmed in the lee of cuttyhunk:

sitting becalmed in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in 

i desperately need someone to make an edit where “in the lee” never ends it’d be so unsatisfying and i’d love it

“oh yeah fuck it i hate the sun” jonathan groff does a really good job of portraying sarcastic characters,, this role suits him so well

HOW MUCH COMPLAINING DO YOU THINK ROGER HEARS ON THE DAILY THOUGH

“we got the picture” “i get the picture!/that wasn’t bad at all” i actually like this though??? like the first inklings of gordon’s epiphany at the end & him valuing life for what it is

this cast all has such great voices

crainiotomy:

I LOVE THAT FUN HOME WAS THE SHOW THE DOCTOR WENT TO IN THE REVIVAL. MY LESBIAN ASS IS SO HAPPY ALSO HOW OLD ARE THE DOCTOR’S KIDS IF THEY’RE SEEING CHICAGO

an invitation to sleep in my arms:

one of my favorite songs on the album.

the orchestrations behind it are really soothing and there are the most gorgeous harmonies at 2:27. desperately need someone to duet this with

whenever “mr music” is mentioned i think of like some 7 year old running around in a magician’s hat using a magic wand as a conductor’s stick

rhoda means so well

“i get distracted so damn easily” cut to gordon not being able to write a note of a song as soon as roger walks in. also cut to gordon forgetting what he was supposed to be writing also imo gordon probably has adhd 

give roger and gordon more duets, or at least treasure the ones they get… that’s all i ask

ALSO I LOVE HOW FAMILY ORIENTED MIMI IS, like she is such an advocate for the belief that life is worth living and worth treasuring the important people in your life

also, the interactions between rhoda and mimi are some of my favorite

change:

such a good solo for high voices??? super fun and belty

i love that bill finn writes women just as dimensional as his other characters (though i wish he wrote more female-headed works i suppose. that’s just a hope of mine in general though)

the yes song:

the yes song takes me on like 7 different emotional arcs

“or when someone says “would you like to lose  your virginity”/someone with whom you have no affinity” sondheim is SHAKING

“yes i will go to my grandparents to israel” is a line that can only really be appreciated by watching it goddamn

WHERE IS HIS SON??????

in the middle of the room (part i):

sometimes i think about how jonathan groff got into a car accident during the lyric “and i’m waiting for a car to come along and kill me”…. like how ICONIC???

ana sounds so concerned and on the border of falling apart in the recording i love talent

throw it out:

throw it out is a really versatile song,, like the tenderness at the beginning, the later comedic aspect of mimi desperately trying to find something to blame for gordon’s illness.

“‘HOW TO MEET A SAILOR’ GOOD SON” IM GENUINELY CRYING WITH LAUGHTER IG WE ALL KNOW HOW ROGER AND GORDON MET I LOVE A LYRIC

in the middle of the room (part ii)

this bit is so frantic. also it scared the shit out of me in the production when they brought out that drill oh my god

a really lousy day in the universe:

HEY THIS IS ILLEGAL ESP IN THE BOOT HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO CRY 

that aside, it’s a very pretty song

also, the fact that a new brain is partially autobiographical is wild??? like, bill finn’s partner had a therapy session with a homeless lady. what a wild conversation to relay back to him tbh

brain dead:

more commonly known as the resident banger of the anb ost

i don’t have a ton to say about this but lesbians (myself) do love a song that slaps

jonathan groff NAILS the phrase “what i am” it’s Gorgeous

the music still plays on:

mimi is such an incredible character don’t sleep on her wtfff

i think that the music still plays on gives a really interesting perspective both into mimi’s life, especially with the lines, “i was brash; i was bold,” and “married too young, and divorced far too old”

“the music still plays on… as my men depart” i think this line is interesting in that it emphasizes that mimi doesn’t want to be left alone. her divorce really affected her — it’s mentioned several times and she’s regretful. and right after it she feels stupid for feeling vulnerable. we see that later in the song, and the theme shifts into moving on, as the music (& life) still plays on

don’t give in:

hey so don’t give in is so fucking cursed both because of the beginning and jonathan groff mumbling “spaghetti”

you boys are gonna get me in such trouble:

RICH IS UHHH UNDERRATED

love the sound effects

title is Too Fucking Long

i’d rather be sailing (reprise):

“i choose to live” is such a powerful statement. it actually reminds me of the foreward to one of our choral pieces, named after the poem “invictus”

the lyrics “i am the master of my fate. i am the captain of my soul" from “invictus”, and the remark “just as death is inevitable, so is life” remind me so strongly of this reprise

the homeless lady’s revenge:

“i feel about eight”/ “don’t hyperventilate out on the street, normal, lively, and sweet” i love A Dynamic

“the life is wonderful”s are so nice… their voices blend so nicely

“half these books with my name on the cover”/“some with the name of your lover” i can’t believe mimi threw out ROGER’s books too oh my god. also a shared library…. sweet

roger’s attempt to persuade grace is very charming and her reaction is priceless and i love it so much. grace is such a chaotic force (insert prayer hands emoji x100)

also gordon’s “what!?”

the vocal arrangements in this is really nice in that everyone has in character, funny reactions, but the song still has lovely melodies and still feels like a song, not a filler. william finn really out here writing conversational theater at its peak. i definitely like these songs of his (like roger arrives, an invitation) because they don’t really get old and are so full of character

time:

“i give you time to value what you’ve found”

also let roger say “my love” not “my friend” oh my godddd

time and music:

yet again, a new brain showcases the beauty that is jonathan groff’s and aaron lazar’s vocal blend

and wow the vocal arrangements during the last half of time and music! holy shit! and it doesn’t even let up during the end of i feel so much spring!

i love the end of this show; its message is so hopeful honest

tl;dr listen to a new brain and talk to me about anb i have so many thoughts

[theskyisneveralwaysblue]

July 2020 - Are You Relieved?

“Are you relieved?” a friend asked me. I paused in the moment and replied “Yes”. It has been seven months since walking away from what was an incredibly draining toxic four year relationship. I always felt that, that was as good as it would get - having dated over the last ten years I realised I settled for something less because I strongly felt that it will never get better. The repetition of mental abuse was high and I don’t know why I couldn’t have been stronger and walked away earlier on in the relationship. I suppose after being hurt multiple times previously I just felt that it was a new normal to a degree and the more I reflect on it I really just wanted to see the good in him and see him change like he kept promising he would. How many times have you put yourself out there on a Dating app and you have had a conversation with someone and they have ghosted you, or you have met them and realised they really aren’t quite what you are looking for but you’re unsure of how to approach the topic and tell them so you just distance yourself from them? How many people do you connect with on the Dating apps? Do you meet with multiple people from the dating app within a space of a week, fortnight or month? Are you upfront about what you are looking for on the Dating app with people so that they are aware of where they stand with you from the get go? How many of those dates or hook ups have gone absolutely pear shaped? Do you honestly think you will meet someone worthwhile through those apps? I got back on Tinder not long after splitting from my ex because I felt that I needed to throw myself into the deep end and of course as we have all previously heard “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone”. I had many burnt out conversations - I became bored very quickly talking to different men, it all just really felt the same. Time and time again I kept asking myself “What the fuck are you doing?”. I met one guy and I tried. I really did try. I felt like nothing could really go wrong and I explained my expectations and where I felt that I was in that point in time - I am still hurting, I’ve just been gaslighted for the past four years, I put all my trust into someone who could not respect me or boundaries for a long time so please do not think that I am prepared for anything serious because I really am not - what an absolute fuck up that was. Despite being so honest it turned into a quick lived toxic mess which I fleetingly slammed the brakes on to bring it to a screeching halt. I was constantly agitated by the presence of this guy because he was always there. He was nice but I was not ready at all for anything - I made a point to recap this when I felt like I had to and to make sure that I was getting the reassurance from him that we were on the same page. He was always at my house, always touching me - he felt like velcro - like as if I had to peel him off of me, always wanting to share the shower, always wanting to sleep over - Look I am flattered if a guy wants to shower me with constant affection however, I don’t like to feel like I need saving. I am constantly looking ahead and wanting to better myself but it is always such a slow progress - as it is for anyone no matter what kind of challenge/struggle they are facing. But my lord I just always felt so awkward - I just wanted to be a whore and get on with this process of forgetting McFuckface (my ex - who will formally be known as “McFuckface” throughout the entirety of this blog because I have nothing positive for him).

After feeling like I had screamed from the rooftops multiple times of where I felt this was heading I suggested space so I could take some “Me Time” - and by “Me Time” I meant being able to just go do basic girly shit that girls enjoy doing in their down time. I felt like I had lacked in femininity and I just had given up on myself. I wanted to get back into my health and fitness and not have to rely on waiting for someone else until I could cook or decide what to have for dinner, I was sick of getting in the shower and having to share that space with another person - obviously this is different if I’m into the person but I really wasn’t feeling it. Yes; I also wanted to keep my options open. I tried talking to men on Bumble, Tinder and POF but I just constantly felt this consistency of feeling annoyed. The idea of meeting up with a guy felt like a fucking task. I became agitated when the messages started constantly flowing in almost on a daily basis from this guy after asking for some space - “Can we please hang out today?”, “Can we please hang out tonight?”, “Can I please come pick you up from work?” - I got to the point where I was opening the messages and not responding - yes this also pisses me off when it’s done to me - but if I’ve already asserted where I stand with someone from the beginning I feel like this does not warrant them further explanation. I messaged a guy on Bumble and his response to me was “Oh I guess this is the longest conversation you have had with anyone all day” and I responded with “What the fuck does that even mean?” and he replied with “Well you haven’t been talking to my mate that you’ve been seeing”. Instant fucking collateral damage. I blew up and I just could not help myself - I spoke my mind in the heat of the moment and had to politely yet bluntly remind this guy what I said I wanted from the beginning and that I had asked for space but the constant messages on the daily were driving me up the fucking wall. He freaked and said I was ghosting him and I reminded him that messaging me daily after asking for space does not help him at all. A week went by and I finally responded and told him I don’t think it would be appropriate for us to keep seeing each other anymore because we clearly had different agendas. I will slyly point out that he is 18 and I am 28. So perhaps a 10 year age gap is not really the most appropriate thing for any kind of “Fuck buddy” relationship. I remember confiding to a friend about it and he said “That poor man, you’re gonna break his heart - that boy is never gonna be the same again since you fucked him” and I remember just responding with a simple “Ah fuck, he’ll be right” - I am usually the one that has a strong heart and care factor and I usually find myself in the position of wondering why am I always the one left with all the feelings and getting hurt in the end so it felt like a bit of a spin for me being in a situation of giving shit news to someone that cares more for me than I do about them. I didn’t like it but I would rather rip it off like a band aide, explain what I want whether it’s what he wants to hear or not and get on with it. Honesty is best policy and I feel like it’s something that is seriously lacking in our generation and the generation below, its becoming more prevalent for people to think that ghosting is an acceptable form of communication than rather explaining what they want.

I tried to put myself out there and meet other guys again once completely getting away from this guy. One guy wanted to strike up a FWB relationship, I wasn’t 100% sold on the idea because he had a laugh like Jimmy Carr, that makes me sound shallow as fuck but I am telling you right now - a laugh like that is dead set a mood killer mid-fuck. The second attempt at a little meet up he struggled to get it up and I just could not keep pretending to be into it, I really just was not into him at all. Selfishly I arranged a second booty call that night after he left and that just turned out to be a complete nightmare because he couldn’t figure out how to get it in and I just was not up to putting on the disco lights, pretending to be Harold the Giraffe and deliver a sex ed lesson in my bedroom at 11pm at night with a 25 year old male. I laid there frustrated staring at the ceiling while he slept and I could not wait for him to leave. 

I continued to scope out the dating apps and I just felt more and more disinterested. The world is your oyster and clearly if you’re a female on a dating app you hold the cards on your DTF decision making. I got sick of reading the same stupid tag lines on Tinder, POF was freaking me out, and well Bumble was just bat shit boring. No riveting embarrassing dating stories to tell and amazingly after a double whammy I kept it in my pants. I’m a new woman - not like the hot mess I was prior to McFuckface for several years. 

Unfortunately my Tinder bio went viral on a satire military page which saw a herd of disgruntled men comment on it but I nonetheless enjoyed responding to some comments because 0 fucks were given - One ex went as far as to claim he once got me fired from a job... I laughed because that could not have been further from the truth - he in fact did not... I had a midlife crisis and I was doing a trial shift at a barber salon and he walked in and I remember saying out loud “You literally have no hair to cut” - I dead set have no filter sometimes, especially when it comes to someone that has just done nothing but hurt and fuck me off at some point in life with no apologies for wasting my time. I gleefully left that trial shift to go watch the latest Star Wars film at the time and I never looked back. Naturally McFuckface liked the comment. I thoroughly enjoyed knowing that he had seen my Tinder bio and was now aware of the description he had been dubbed: “Racoon eyed spitball grunt”. It is ridiculously petty but that was the point we had gotten to. Every day I am so grateful that we never had children especially after listening to him make threats for several years saying “If you fall pregnant I’m leaving you”, “If you fall pregnant get rid of it”.

Time heals all wounds and I feel as though I am getting there, I keep putting myself first and looking ahead for what I can do to better myself mentally and emotionally. I know that I am probably not going to be the easiest woman for any guy that I start dating, because of all the shit I put up with from the previous relationship and all the mud I was dragged through. My ability to trust is getting there but I still have my doubts. I don’t want to be that annoying female that constantly requires reassurance but I do feel as though I need things to be put to me and said in black and white. My anxiety levels can be very up and down and but I do this thing where I just maintain this poker face so I’m not stressing everyone else out around me. After meeting up with four guys from dating sites I did meet with one guy from POF. He has a really kind nature about him, it turns out we had a bit in common and I liked that a lot. It was after we hung out the first time I removed myself from the dating apps, I suppose I just didn’t want to give off the wrong impression. Knowing that we had crossed paths for a long time in our childhood made me feel grounded for once. For the first time in a long time I started to reflect on what I want out of life - I want a new career, I want a relationship with someone that I have common ground with, I don’t want to be on dating sites making pathetic small talk with random men, I’m certain I want kids one day maybe one or two - I don’t know if I want to get married, I think about all the things I went through with McFuckface and I am so grateful that children were not caught up in it and that I did not have to go through a divorce with him - I had a lot of sleepless nights wondering what the fuck I was doing with my life in that relationship and I look back on photos from then and I don’t think there is a single photo where I am smiling. I can feel myself starting fresh and it’s one of the best feelings I have felt in such a long time. The best part about going to bed now for me is I don’t lay there staring at my reflection in the mirror crying wondering what is wrong with me and asking myself a thousand questions and second questioning everything about him and myself. I don’t lock myself away in the bathroom for hours on end standing under a hot shower crying and thinking that I am not a worthy person. The idea of self harm had entered my mind on several occasions because I felt like nothing would be better and I felt that I had a lot wrong with me from the way he would beat me down regularly with his words. I’m certainly the kind of person who needs a release when dealing with a deep pain and I dealt with it by getting piercings - the sharp pain is quick but it is certainly a distraction. Now it all just feels like a distant bad memory. I don’t want him ruling my life anymore and it was a hard pill to swallow when I realised to an extent he was still ruling my life because I couldn’t stop talking about all the shit he did.  

I am so grateful for the friends who stayed by my side throughout the last four years and the newfound support from some people who I was able to reconnect with from school and other walks of life - and a select couple of newfound friends. I took the steps to start seeing a psychologist to deal with it. I strongly encourage anyone who is going through a difficult time to open up to a trusted friend or seek professional help from a psychologist.I’m doing what I can to stay strong during any point in time in which I feel my anxiety and stress levels peaking. COVID-19 has been a bit of a fuck around for a lot of people in 2020 - fortunately for me it worked in my favour. I was stood down from work and I stayed at home focusing on my mental health, I started cooking, getting back into dieting and exercising, spending more time with my dogs, watching movies and tv series. It’s taken some time but I have seen a change in the way I smile in photos and my face in general, I’m finally losing the weight I’ve been trying to lose over the last 3 years. I know deep down that if I do meet someone and strike a relationship up with them they will be so appreciated, supported and loved.

Change is coming and I can’t wait, this is just the beginning.  

[redwinephannie]

The Parent Project

Rated: R

Pairings: Dan Howell/Phil Lester

Warnings: Smut and swearing 

Word Count: 14k

You can also read it on Wattpad!!

Summary: Dan and Phil are paired up together for a project where they have to take care of a life like baby doll for a few days. Feelings arise.

The only real pass time Dan had in his Child Studies class was stomping on ants with his huge feet, which is what he was doing currently. It was an unbearably hot day outside, well at least as hot as it can really get in London, and of course, instead of burning and being eaten alive in the comfort of his own home, he was stuck in this classroom with people that didn't want to be here about as much as him.

Don't get him wrong, Dan loved Child Studies, he was fairly enthusiastic about the subject and kinda hope to become a therapist someday, but goddamn it was way to hot out to be here today.

"Now class, I need to drag your attention away from your phones and your rude side conversations for just a few minutes so I can explain the directions for your final exam," Dan's teacher sighed, hoping maybe for once in her life, to be able to keep the attention of the students that only took this class for 'an easy grade.'

 Of course it worked for about 10 seconds of the directions, but once one side conversation starts in a classroom, the noise level raises real quickly.

"Well, for the ones who are still listening, you will be taking care of one of these," the teacher explained, holding up a horribly realistic baby doll. Some people were jumping in their seats, ready to take home one of the dolls, name it, and call it their own for 3 whole days.

"Now, taking into consideration that this school is not made of money so we a limited quantity of dolls and the fact that we only have a few weeks of school left, you will be working in sets of 2, as parents to the child for the 3 days."

She went on to explain how parenting is a true partnership and how this project would be a test of their skills to see if they were really ready to be parents. She also explained how the baby worked and the different needs of the baby. It wasn't even finding and treating the needs of the baby in the given time that were currently making Dan nervous, it was the fact that he was going to have to work with somebody else in this hell to parent the child.

Dan was already socially awkward, he wasn't anything close to being enemies with anyone in the class, he didn't really hate anybody, but he wasn't exactly fond of any of them either. They were loud and they gave him a massive headache almost every day.The teacher began to say the names of the 'parents', telling everyone to go and sit with their partners."Dan and Phil," the teacher called out.

Dan nodded, even though it didn't really require a response, being careful not to look in Phil's direction, he didn't have a problem with Phil himself, he was just a bit intimidated by him. From what he knew, Phil was fairly popular among people and he was very confident in himself, which Dan could never imagine, every single tiny decision Dan ever makes is usually followed by an existential crisis or a fear he made the wrong choice.

Most of the class consisted of females, so Dan being paired with one of the only other males didn't exactly come as a shock to him, the teacher was almost entirely against females and males working together because she firmly believed that it would be too distracting for the both of them, which was kinda gross and very hetero-normative, but Dan didn't question her, there was no use.

"Hey," Dan heard from beside him, making him jump slightly. He looked in the direction the voice was coming from, and was met with a pair of cheerful blue eyes.

"Hi," Dan smiled back awkwardly, trying not to outwardly show his nervousness.

"The teacher said we have 10 minutes to come up with both a boys and girls name and to come up with a plan for the next 3 days," Phil said, getting right on with what had to be done.

"Alright, did you have any names in mind?" Dan asked, warming up a little to Phil. There would be no use staying nervous, they would never get anywhere with this project if he did.

"For a boy I quite like the name Finn, I don't really know about a girl," Phil shrugged.Dan sat to think for a minute before coming up with a few names on the top of his head and tossed them out at Phil for him to decide which he liked best.

"I quite like Daisy or Allison, those are cute names," Phil responded

Dan nodded in response, "I do really like Daisy."

After a few minutes of small talk, ultimately coming to the decision that since Phil lives alone, they would stay at his house for the three days, and checking in with Dan's mum to make sure it was okay, the teacher began calling up 'couples' to get their baby, making an entire show on presenting the babies to them, giving them another brief explanation on how the baby works before handing them a carriage and sending them back to their seats.

"Dan and Phil!" The teacher called them up.

Dan and Phil looked at each other for a brief second before walking to the teachers desk, seeing a life sized baby boy doll lying there."Alright so the doll has 4 basic needs, feeding, changing, rocking and burping. Burping needs to be done after every feeding but may need to be done more frequently than that, you will both be wearing bracelets that will make it so that the baby can identify who you are when you pick him up, once again, this is a joint effort so you both must care for the child, in the end it tracks back to my computer and by code I can tell if one of you did all of the work. When the baby identifies you, you'll hear a beeping noise, realistic I know, and you can continue to care for him, you must also pick up the baby and rock him from time to time or he will be more fussy and will cry more often. Now that that's clear, what would you like to name your bouncing baby boy?" the teacher fake smiled at them

"Finn?" Phil mouthed at Dan as confirmation. Dan nodded.

"Finn," Phil said

The teacher nodded in response and put it into the computer before handing them the baby and a carriage and sending them back to their seats.

After Child Studies was over it was, thank god, the end of the school day. Dan held the baby carriage in his hands walking along beside Phil, earning some very strange looks from people walking by, but Phil seemingly paid no mind to it, simply smiling at anyone who looked in Dan's direction too long, making them look away.

They both headed out the doors and to Phil's car, beginning to drive to Dan's house to retrieve a few things for the days Dan would be spending with Phil.

When Dan emerged from his house, backpack filled to the max with everything Dan assumed he would most likely need for those days, he quickly gave his mum a hug, bidding goodbye before turning around and heading out the door. 

When he turned around, the sight in front of him almost made his heart melt. Phil was stood in front of the back door of the car, holding Finn in his hands, rocking the doll in his arms gently and seemingly singing a soft lullaby to it. Dan ignored the warm, tight feeling in his chest and the smile tugging at his lips before making his way over beside Phil, checking to see if he needed any help.

"He started crying while you were inside, little guy just wanted to be rocked I guess," Phil smiled at Dan as the crying subsided and Phil carefully placed the doll back into his carriage, buckling him in before both of them got back in the car and began driving to Phil's house, Dan sitting in the back seat, just in case the crying started up again.

And it did. Dan hadn't heard the full force of the cry the first time and was quite taken aback when eardrum bursting screams suddenly filled the car.

Phil checked in the mirror quickly, chuckling as he saw Dan's surprised and offended face from the sound before Dan unbuckled the carriage and took out the baby, making sure the bracelet scanned before gently rocking the baby, coming to discover he wanted to be fed.

Just a few seconds later, they pulled up to Phil's house, Phil saying he would take Dan's stuff upstairs while Dan finished feeding and burping the baby and that he would come back.Dan looked down at the doll, almost wanting to laugh at how the face of the doll stayed looking exactly the same while it let out such horrible screams.

"Hello," Dan said gently to the doll, vaguely remembering the teacher saying that the doll strongly reacts to sounds while crying/feeding/being burped etc., softly shushing the somewhat fussy doll while he burped him.

Phil returned a few seconds later, opening Dan's car door for him, allowing him to get out with the baby before quickly retrieving the carriage from the back of the car and putting the baby into it as they made their way inside.

Phil had explained the layout of his house, it was rather small but kinda nice. He had decided that he and Dan would be sleeping in the same room, if that was alright with Dan of course, so they would both have easy access to the baby when he began crying at night. Dan agreed to that.

Later that night, Dan and Phil were sat on the couch in their PJ's, it was around 11pm and considering it was a Thursday night and neither of them had classes on Friday, neither were concerned about what time they went to bed, as they could sleep in..right?

Wrong.

The boys made the mistake of staying up until almost 4am, as at 6:30am, they were rather rudely awoken by screams filling the room.

"I've got it," Dan mumbled lazily, getting himself out of bed and walking over to the baby and picking him up, waiting for the bracelet to scan, but it didn't.

After about a minute and a half of the crying not subsiding, Phil sighed and opened his eyes, putting on his glasses and looking over at a very tired, messy haired and clearly distressed Dan.

"What's wrong?" Phil asked in a husky tone, yanking off his covers and making his way over to Dan.

"My bracelet won't scan," Dan said, trying to hide the panic in his voice

Phil sighed, slightly annoyed, reaching out and gently taking the baby from Dan's arms and scanning his bracelet over it, rocking the baby until he calmed back down.

"Why didn't you say anything like 5 minutes ago instead of just standing there?" Phil said, the hint of annoyance in his voice apparent.

Dan shrunk back into himself, apologizing and explaining that the bracelet had been working just fine all of last night.The crying slowly stopped and Phil put him back into the carriage before rubbing his eyes and running his fingers through his hair, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to snap there, just a little tired."

Dan nodded in response, still feeling slightly guilty and internally beating himself up for not just waking Phil up when he should have.

"Well, no sense going back to bed, I think we're both pretty awake right now, wanna have an early breakfast and watch the sunrise?" Phil suggested. Dan nodded before picking up the baby carriage and they headed downstairs to the kitchen.

"Ya know this thing here is quite the arm workout," Dan said, pretending to weight lift the baby carriage.

"Yeah yeah I know, be careful with that, I don't know you well enough to trust you to not drop our child down the stairs," Phil said before almost tripping over a stair himself

Dan turned his head, trying not to let Phil see him laughing, "It's alright," he continued the conversation, "I've known myself for 21 years now and I don't trust myself to not drop our child down the stairs."

About 10 minutes later, Dan and Phil were both in the kitchen, singing softly along to a random selection of music Phil had on his phone plugged into a speaker. Dan was holding their child, his bracelet having worked this time, feeding him while attempting to help Phil out a little making breakfast.

After 'Time Is Running Out' by Muse played, the next song made Dan burst out laughing and Phil blushed, it was 'Gotta Go My Own Way' from the High School Musical 2 movie.

"Do you really want to expose our child to High School Musical songs? He could grow up to be a High School Musical fanatic," Dan laughed.

"There's nothing wrong with being a High School Musical fanatic, if he were to become one, he would be just like me," Phil laughed as well, his tongue sticking out slightly through his teeth and his eyes crinkling up into what Dan deemed to be the most beautiful smile he's ever seen on anyone's face in his life.

"Fair enough," Dan said, beginning to sing along while burping the baby, "I can't believe Finn is gonna grow up to look exactly like Troy Bolton."

"I mean if your haircut is saying anything here than probably," Phil stuck his tongue out at Dan, beginning to plate the pancakes and bacon

"You take that back!" Dan said, trying to feign seriousness while carefully placing the baby back in the carriage and putting the blanket Phil had brought out for him last night over him. Phil had told Dan the entire story surrounding the little pink blanket they were using for Finn. Told Dan that his grandma had given the little pink blanket with silver stars on it to his mother before Phil was born because Phil's mum had actually been expecting a girl. Phil explained that he quickly got attached to the little blanket and used it for so long he actually brought it with him on his first day of primary school where a bunch of people laughed at him for having a pink blanket. Phil said that most kids, if they were made fun of for anything, normally wouldn't know what to do with themselves and would cry in a corner (A/N lol same) but not Phil. Whenever he was made fun of, he would simply pick up his pink blanket and whip them with it as hard as he could."Did that not get you in trouble?" Dan had laughed at the ridiculous story"Oh it did, little Phil just didn't care at all," 

Dan smiled to himself as he recalled the story Phil had told him and sat down at the dining table next to the carriage as Phil brought out breakfast. Phil sat himself next to Dan, checking his phone and sending out a few texts quickly before they both started eating. Phil's dining table was conveniently placed next to a giant window that was facing out over the houses by Phil's and it was a perfect place to watch the sunrise from.

"Quite a nice sunrise this morning," Dan said, swallowing a mouthful of pancakes.

"I reckon it'll be a nice one today," Phil said, taking a sip of his coffee, "we should go out and do something, I know for a fact that I need to go get some groceries if you feel like tagging along, if not I can teach you how to use the TV remote and you can stay here with the baby."

"No I'll tag along, sounds like fun," right as Dan said that, screams filled the room

"Your turn," Dan said sighing, rubbing his temples and barely flinching at the sound, with how tired he was right now, any noise pitched slightly above a normal speaking voice gave him one hell of a headache.

Phil nodded and picked up the baby. After last night, distinguishing between the different cries for what the baby needed was a lot easier, and this time he needed to be changed. Phil placed him down on the table, using the blanket to prop his head up before beginning to change him

Dan kept his gaze out the window, willing his head to stop pounding as he finished his food.The crying ended immediately after the baby was changed and Phil went to put him back in his carriage, but right before he could, the fussing began again and Phil quickly pulled the baby close, beginning to rock him, he didn't full on start crying again, but he was making fussy noises and both Dan and Phil knew through their own mistakes that those noises should absolutely not be ignored.

Phil sighed, rocking the baby and speaking softly to him, making the same heart eyes and goofy smile he had the first time he held the baby yesterday.

"Man my foods gonna get cold," Phil whined, hoping the fussing would stop soon so he could eat his breakfast and still have it be at least mildly warm.

Dan picked up Phil's fork, getting a pancake absolutely coated in syrup and fed it to Phil.

"Thank you," Phil mumbled through his mouthful, "see this is the teamwork part of the project the teacher was talking about."

Dan laughed, shaking his head at the giant goof of a boy sitting next to him. He picked up a piece of bacon and fed that to him as well, the fussing slowly but surely easing and Phil held his breath as he put Finn back in his carriage, praying to god it wouldn't start up again, and thank god it didn't.

Phil quickly finished his breakfast and Dan was quick to offer to do the dishes while Phil went to get a shower before they went out, to which Phil kindly accepted and headed upstairs.

Dan collected the dishes and began doing them, stopping a few times to calm the baby that seemed to be extra fussy today, hoping to god it didn't disturb everyone in the grocery store. If he did, he would get Phil to kindly tell them to fuck off anyway.

About 25 minutes later, Dan was still stood in the kitchen, having just finished the dishes and cleaning up a bit around the kitchen, holding Finn in his arms, the baby wasn't necessarily being fussy at this point, but Dan kinda liked holding a baby in his arms, it made him feel like he had something that was truly his to love and protect, even though he knew that wasn't true. He was smiling down at the doll in his arms, blissfully unaware that Phil was looking at Dan from the doorway, looking at Dan with the same heart eyes Dan had seen him look at the doll with

Phil tried to hide the smile on his face as he watched Dan gently rocking the doll in his arms, cooing at him and speaking in a high pitched baby voice. To most this would look really weird. I mean a grown man is standing in his kitchen in Pikachu pajamas, looking about as tired as a man can get, rocking and speaking to a doll like it can hear him, but to Phil this was one of the most endearing sights he had ever seen in his entire life and he had to look away and break his silence to avoid the inevitable blush creeping up on his cheeks.

"Alright daddy Daniel, you should probably go get changed, has everything been alright with the baby while I was showering?" Dan jumped slightly, having been caught being embarrassingly mushy, putting the baby back in the carriage.

"Yeah, he seems to be a bit fussy this morning so keep an eye on him, but other than that he hasn't been impossibly fussy," Dan said, leaving Phil with the baby to go get changed for the day.

When Dan emerged a few minutes later, having freshened up a bit and changed into some jeans and a gray shirt, Phil was gently rocking the carriage on the counter while putting his sneakers on.

"You ready to get going?" He asked, not looking up from his sneakers

"Yeah," Dan said, slipping on his sneakers and waiting for Phil before grabbing the baby carriage and heading out the door.

Dan buckled in the carriage and went to the other side and got in the car. Phil drove carefully, as the roads were paved, but not very well and he didn't want to disturb Finn. The drive to the store was quite a long one, not too long, but about 20 minutes, and 5 minutes into the car ride, after having not heard any sounds in a while, Phil piped up.

"Everything okay back there?" He asked taking a quick glance back and seeing Dan fast asleep with his head against the window. Phil slowed down the car a little more as to not disturb Dan and to make the car ride a little longer so Dan could get more sleep. He deserved it.

Phil hummed along quietly to some Marianas Trench while driving. It was only about 8:30am and it was quite cool outside, but it made all that much more pleasant, there were few cars out early on a Friday and the sun was shining bright. After about 20 more minutes, they arrived in the almost empty grocery store parking lot. Phil parked close to the door and turned off the car, getting out and getting the carriage out of the back, thankful that the baby hadn't started crying while Dan was sleeping.

"Dan," Phil said gently, shaking Dan's shoulder. No response

"Dan wake up, we're at the grocery store," Dan scrunched up his nose and grunted in response, slowly opening his eyes to see a beaming Phil all up in his face. He wasn't complaining to say the least.

Dan rubbed his eyes and fixed up his shirt that had rolled up a bit while he was sleeping, fixing his hair before getting out of the car. He was fully aware that he looked about halfway to death but if anyone said anything he would just blame it on the baby, not at all putting the blame on himself for staying up until 4am with Phil.

"Why don't you just leave the carriage in the car?" Dan asked walking over to the side of the car Phil was on.

"What do you mean?" Phil looked a bit confused."I mean they have carts with little seats on them for babies we can use, probably be a lot easier than lugging around a giant carriage with us," Dan suggested.

Phil agreed with him, taking the baby out of the carriage and handing him to Dan before putting the carriage back in the car. They both proceeded to the door, somewhat thankful that the parking lot was empty at this time as they both looked exhausted and it would feel weird to have people staring at them while they have a baby in their arms while grocery shopping.

Halfway to the door, the baby began fussing again and thank god he just wanted to be rocked, because if he needed to be changed, Dan would have no idea what to do. Dan rocked him gently in his arms, smiling down at him and from afar this would really just look like a happy couple with their newborn baby.

"You know to a lot of people in the store we're probably just gonna look like really awkward parents of a newborn," Dan chuckled nervously, almost sweating at the very first mention of being in a relationship with Phil.

"You know I don't think I would be mad at that," Phil said, smiling but not really looking in Dan's direction, a bit scared of the possible reaction.

Dan started blushing like mad and looked away, laughing a bit, his brain not really processing what Phil said and shrugging it off as friendly teasing. And if Phil felt his heart drop a little by the lack of reaction, he didn't show it.

The boys continued on their grocery shopping adventure, having a few people look at them with the baby really weirdly, some people looked happy, like they could coo at what they thought was the happy gay couple with a newborn and others looked disgusted. Both Dan and Phil tried to ignore those people.

"What should we get to make for dinner tonight?" Phil asked Dan, looking around the store

Dan shrugged, not being very good at decisions and also not knowing at all what Phil liked other than pancakes and bacon.

"Well lately I've really been craving chicken alfredo if you're up for that," Phil said as he walked through an aisle, holding up a package of fettuccine noodles questioningly

Dan immediately nodded, "sounds great."

Phil nodded, putting 2 jars of alfredo sauce into the cart and a package of noodles, hoping to make a little extra so they wouldn't have to properly make breakfast tomorrow, and could just have some leftovers instead.

'Welcome to the life of a University student' he thought to himself as they continued on.

As they were about halfway done with their shopping, the baby started screaming in the middle of an aisle, people stopping and staring at them as if they had just ruined their entire day. Of course this would be the time where the baby needed to be changed. They walked over to an aisle with no people and quickly scanned Phil's bracelet, Phil changing the baby as quickly and as carefully as he possibly could before they continued walking, of course just a minute later, the baby began fussing as Phil was picking out some vegetables.

Dan picked up the crying doll and scanned his bracelet, holding his breath every time before it scanned now, praying it would work, he didn't want another incident like this morning. Thankfully the bracelet scanned and he picked up the baby, the pink blanket covering most of the doll as he rocked the doll in his arms.

"Aw, who's the little girl?" A random girl, probably about Dan's age came up to him

Dan tensed up at the sudden social interaction, knowing he couldn't avoid talking to this total stranger.

"Uhm, this is my son actually," okay so it wasn't a TOTAL lie, but Dan panicked, hoping that the stranger would leave him alone. Of course not.

"Ooh a single dad, I dig that, why is your SON wrapped in a PINK blanket though?" The girl laughed a little.

Dan wanted to cringe, he also kinda wanted to be rude and go off on her about how he's allowed to wrap his son in a pink blanket if he wants to, but instead he was, of course, awkward.

"It's just a blanket, not really that big of a deal," Dan said back

The girl gave him a weird look in response but seemingly chose to ignore what he said and continued talking instead.

"My name is Brittney, and you are?" the girl said

Dan looked her in the eyes for the first time, almost immediately noticing that they were almost the exact same colour as Phil's but lacked the beauty and sparkle Dan saw in Phil's, and before he could say anything back, Phil interrupted.

"He's with me," Phil said, looking at the girl with a tinge of rage in his beautiful eyes, he gently took the baby out of Dan's arms before putting him back in the seat of the cart before taking Dan's hand and interlocking their fingers, "I don't think we've met, I'm Phil and you are?"

The girl, Brittney, looked extremely taken aback by Phil interrupting, backing away some.

"Uhm, I'm-I was just going actually, nice to see you," she said as if she knew them and turned on her heels quickly and left.

When she was out of sight, Phil dropped Dan's hand and Dan naturally almost reached back out to try and hold it again but instead held himself back and began walking alongside Phil again.

"I didn't like her," Phil said simply before they continued on shopping, quickly grabbing what they needed before paying and leaving.The car ride heading back home was quiet. Dan was still internally trying to recover from whatever had happened back in the grocery store and Phil seemed a bit on edge at the moment for some reason.

"Thanks for saving my ass back there at the store, she was a bit...forward I guess," Dan said a bit awkwardly, trying to make conversation and not focus on the fact that Phil could probably squeeze the life out of the steering wheel right now if he wanted to with the grip that he had on it.

"She was a bitch is what she was," Phil snapped quickly and Dan almost choked on his own spit. Phil almost never swore, so to hear him swearing while angry was both horrifying and arousing all the same to Dan.

"I think you might be overreacting a bit," Dan said carefully, fearing what Phil might say next, but Phil just went silent for a minute, stopping at a red light before sighing heavily and rubbing his eyes.

"Yeah I know, I do that sometimes, sorry," Phil said, shaking his head and laughing like he couldn't believe himself.

"It's alright, why did you get so mad though?" Dan decided to try, immediately regretting opening his big mouth, wondering why he couldn't just keep the peace for one goddamn second.

Phil simply shrugged and Dan noticed him grip the steering wheel harder again and decided not to say anything more about it, it just gave him something else to think about all night long, fearing he's fucked up everything.

And the car was back to being silent again. Dan just stared out the window the whole time, on occasion picking up the fussing baby and rocking him before placing him back in his carriage.They pulled up to Phil's house about 15 minutes later, getting the groceries out of the back as Phil said he would get the baby. 

They headed inside, already exhausted just from that one trip to the store and back, knowing it was from lack of sleep and that it was all their faults, well Dan really just blamed himself, had his bracelet just worked, Phil wouldn't be so tired and snappy. He wasn't really sure how he could explain blaming this on himself but it seemed ridiculous to him to blame an inanimate object so he placed it on himself instead.

The clock read just past 10:00am and Dan and Phil unofficially decided to chill out for a bit, Phil scrolling through his phone and Dan getting his laptop, sitting next to Phil and going on tumblr. He could still sense the tension in the room and decided to break it by asking Phil if he wanted to watch some random YouTube videos with him. Phil agreed, moving closer to get a better look at Dan's laptop screen, and they stayed there for far too long, a lot longer than they expected, as the next time they both looked up from the puppy videos they were cooing at, it was 4:30 in the afternoon.

"Shit, we should probably get started on dinner," Dan said looking at Phil, his breath catching as he became suddenly aware of their close proximity, looking away quickly, trying his best to be subtle but he never could be.

"Yeah probably," Phil said getting up from the couch

Dan immediately missed the warmth radiating from Phil's body but dismissed the strange thoughts, getting up to join him in the kitchen.

The rest of the evening went pretty well, they sat together on the couch, Dan watching movies and Phil doing his 2 hour online evening course. Dan decided in that time it would only be proper if he took care of the babies needs and made sure to tell Phil not to worry about it if he started crying.

As it reached 11pm, Phil was just finished with his online class and Dan was about halfway through Toy Story 2, and they decided it would be best if they called it an early night, well, an earlier night than yesterday.

They trudged upstairs to Phil's room, both of their arms starting to feel the effects of carrying the baby carriage and as they were tiredly walking, they started having an empty argument over who had been carrying the baby more that day and who would be carrying it around more tomorrow. Neither of them were upset whatsoever, it was more for conversation purposes. Really they didn't care that much and they both knew that they were so tired they wouldn't remember the stupid exhausted argument tomorrow morning.

They changed into their pajamas, Dan laughing quietly to himself at Phil's stupid emoji pajama bottoms but mentally beating himself for adding the word 'adorable' into that mixture.

Dan was starting to become aware that he was having feelings for Phil. He had always thought that Phil was attractive but he never thought much of it because he never thought he would ever get to actually talk to Phil and ignoring any form of attraction towards him whatsoever as he never interacted with Phil worked for Dan for a while. But now it was fucking him over.

"This is way too early on, for fucks sake I've known him for what, just over 24 hours now? This is stupid," Dan thought to himself as he and Phil climbed into bed.Phil seemingly had no sleeping troubles and was a very heavy sleeper, which Dan completely envied about him at this moment in time. He had gotten about 3 hours of sleep - maybe not even that - the previous night, yet here he was, at 3am, over tired from not sleeping in almost an entire 24 hours and on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Dan was fully aware of the way that his brain worked, it was quite weird to him, because he was aware of what he was thinking, what he was feeling, he was just overly aware of himself, yet he felt as though he had absolutely no control over his brain whatsoever. Whatever he was thinking and feeling he was overly aware of but he couldn't change a damn thing about it and he hated that about himself.While Phil lay in a small puddle of his own drool, blissfully unaware of the hot tears streaming down Dan's face at 3am, Dan was biting his own lip in an attempt to keep quiet and willed his chest to enlighten a bit, the pressure making it hard to keep in his sobs. At this point he had no idea why he was even crying, the day had just seemed to take a weird turn after grocery shopping and he didn't know why he felt like such a fuck up. He wiped his eyes, praying to god Phil didn't wake up to him being a blubbering mess, not just because he looked the way he felt, but also because if Phil woke up he would almost certainly ask what was wrong and Dan didn't know what he would tell him.

Would he tell him it was from being overly exhausted?

Would he tell him it was because of his newfound feelings for his project partner?

Would he tell him it was because of his severe depression? His anxiety maybe?

Would he tell him it was because of the text he had received earlier from his Dad, that had long ago left them, calling Dan a 'faggot' and a 'failure'?

While Dan himself wasn't 100% sure which one of those events were making him break down at this time at night, he knew it had been a hard day and silently prayed tomorrow would be a little better.

As all the possibilities of what he could possibly tell Phil if he woke up scattered his brain more than it already was, screams filled the room, and this time it wasn't Dan's conscious, it was the doll.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me," Dan mumbled to himself, wiping his eyes before reaching over to get his bracelet to scan.

But it wasn't there.

"Fuck, where did I put that?" Dan couldn't recall even taking it off, yet it wasn't on his wrist anymore. Phil began to stir in his sleep and Dan considered waking him up, as much as he didn't want to at all.

He spent another minute looking for the bracelet for ultimately deciding to wake Phil, recalling Phil's reaction the previous morning when Dan hadn't woken him up.

"Phil, Phil wake up please," Dan's voice came out as a cracked sob, not intending to make the fact that he was crying so obvious

Phil's eyes opened slowly, blinking a few times before immediately looking very concerned over at a clearly distressed Dan, "Dan what's wrong?"

"I can't find my bracelet and the baby is crying and-" Dan began rambling on, tears streaming down his cheeks once again, his eyes burning, wanting so badly to shut and to let him sleep but his brain not allowing him to.

Phil quickly got out of bed, turning on a lamp before going over to the carriage and changing the dolls diaper before rocking it a little and putting it back in the carriage. As this was happening, Dan looked over and saw his bracelet sitting right where Phil had been laying. He picked it up and put it on the table beside him.

Dan suddenly became fully aware of the mess he looked right now and started rubbing his eyes, trying to hide the fact that he had been crying for almost an hour now, though the wet tear-stained pillow where his head had been wasn't hiding anything.

Phil made his way back over to the bed, sitting down beside Dan and looking over at him. Dan wasn't sure just what Phil was planning on doing or saying, but Dan just shuffled further, looking away as he felt more tears welling up.

"Dan," Phil said softly, "can you look at me for a sec?"

Dan decided there was no use hiding his face anymore, Phil more than likely already knew he was crying.

Dan swallowed the lump in his throat, looking over at a very gentle eyed and concerned Phil, all of the tears and sounds he had been hiding for what felt like hours now suddenly coming to the surface and bursting out.

"Aw, come here Dan," Phil said, pulling Dan into a warm embrace, Dan's upper body collapsing into Phil's as Phil shushed him softly, humming a song that Dan didn't know and running his fingers through Dan's hair. Dan was ugly crying big time at this point, choking on the sobs he was, for some unknown reason, still trying to keep inside.

Phil held him tightly, pulling Dan's entire body against him and Dan decided right then and there that he absolutely did not deserve to have an angel like Phil Lester in his life and he began sobbing harder, getting to the point of crying so hard he was silent, his head going to how bad he wanted Phil but how Phil deserved so much better than him, didn't deserve someone so fucked up.After about 10 more minutes, Dan was taking deep breaths, his sobs having subsided moments ago. He focused on the sound of Phil's heartbeat, his warm body and the beautiful hums of a song Dan still couldn't recognize, coming to realize he should probably explain himself to Phil or let him get back to sleep.

Dan began stuttering out words, trying to explain himself but ultimately sighing and looking down, his face red from embarrassment and drying tears as he realized that nothing he tried to say made any sense whatsoever.

"It's alright, you don't need to say anything," Phil whispered softly against Dan's hair, "I've been there too."

Dan truly felt blessed at this moment, this guy, who he barely even knew, had just witnessed one of Dan's worst mental breakdowns and he didn't run away, tell Dan he was overreacting or kick Dan out of his house, but instead comforted him and was gentle and loving.

"I'll be right back," Phil said, kissing the top of Dan's head, going to get up but freezing for just a second as he realized what he did but playing it off cool, not addressing it and going to do whatever he needed to do.Dan sat back against the headboard of Phil's bed, a blush spreading across Dan's cheeks, though you couldn't really tell as his cheeks were already red. He got out his phone, knowing full well it was a terrible idea and seeing 3 new texts from his dad. Dan's father really seemed to be out to get him. When Dan was only 11 years old, he sat with his parents and told them he thought he might be gay, his mother being happy Dan had expressed how he was feeling with them but his father was absolutely fuming, yelled at Dan and told him to go in his room, said he didn't want to see his disgraceful face anymore. That night had been one of the worst nights of Dan's life, as he lay in his room, he could hear his parents screaming at each other through thin walls, his dad saying he hadn't raised his son to be a 'faggot', (A/N I just wanted to note that I do not take the word 'faggot' lightly and I don't use it unless in cases such as this, it is entirely for the story's purpose. Thank you.) and saying so many other horrible things Dan tried to block out of his mind. Dan's younger brother had come in to Dan's room during the screaming match that was going on and sat on Dan's lap, saying he heard what Dan told mum and dad and saying that he loved Dan. After that night, Dan never saw his father again.

Enter stage left, severe depression.

It was just recently that Dan's father had somehow gotten his number and began texting him. Dan could block him and it was almost making him feel sick, but he didn't want to. This was his own father, his own flesh and blood that he hadn't spoken to in almost 10 years, and every time Dan felt like blocking him, his father would use a manipulation tactic on him, saying 'you wouldn't wanna block your own dad would you?' claiming it broke his heart that Dan would want to entirely cut off contact with him, asking him 'you wouldn't want to never be able to contact me again would you? You'll regret it when I'm dead.' and it was really getting to Dan. Dan never told his mother that any of this was happening, there had already been too many times that Dan had caught his mother crying in her room alone, having the TV up loud to drown them out, sometimes with the phone in her hand, calling Dan's father over and over, praying to god for a response but never getting one, and Dan, by no means, wanted to bring back any of those awful nights and memories back to her, she had been through enough.

So Dan suffered in silence.

The texts sent this time weren't as bad as earlier the day before, this time just attempting confront Dan on the fact that Dan was ignoring him and he knew it.

"Who're you talking to?" Dan just about jumped out of his skin as he realized Phil was extremely close behind him and immediately panicked and closed his phone, putting it on the table next to him and looked away from Phil

"Nobody," he said flatly.

"Girlfriend troubles?" Phil asked, sitting back next to him, handing Dan a wet cloth to wipe his face down with and some ice cream for both of them.

Dan accidentally snorted a laugh in response, "definitely not."

Phil went silent for a second, "boyfriend?"

"No, I don't have either of those so there are no issues with that," Dan replied, wiping his hot cheeks down with the cloth and beginning to eat his ice cream with Phil, knowing full well that eating ice cream at 3am was an awful idea but not caring at all.

Phil simply nodded his head, "this might be a bit much to ask and I might be overstepping my boundaries big time, you don't have to answer, but do you have a sexuality that you personally identify with?"

Dan was taken aback a bit by the personal question but didn't mind answering it, "yeah, I identify as gay. May I ask you the same question?"

Phil chuckled, "you may. I identify as pansexual."

Dan couldn't help the smile that broke out on his face, he was never certain on Phil's sexuality, nor did he really question it that much, but knowing now that he wasn't straight made Dan extremely happy for some reason, and he nodded and responded with "okay."

Phil looked at Dan a bit strangely but with the same love as always, just happy to see a smile on Dan's face. Dan just shook his head at himself, feeling his heart beat almost out of his chest and the smile on his face uncontrollable, he didn't know why he was so happy right now, but looking at the smile that was beginning to form on Phil's face, he knew exactly why, repressing the feelings as much as he could before laying back down.

At this point it was about 4:30am and Dan finally felt as though he could sleep. Phil took both of their bowls out to the kitchen, putting them into the dishwasher saying 'you're in too deep Phil, it's too early for feelings like this,' to himself before heading back upstairs.

When Phil entered his room, he found Dan just barely keeping his eyes open, smiling at Phil all dopey, it made Phil want to laugh, or take a photo, Dan had the dumbest smile on his face, his eyes barely open at this point, all wrapped up and cozy in a blanket, his curly hair a little curlier and a little messier than it normally is and it was one of the most endearing sights Phil had ever been met with.

Phil slipped into bed next to Dan, facing Dan's back, just staring lovingly at the boy in front of him, wondering how somebody in this world could possibly be so perfect. Phil wasn't really that tired at this point, seeing Dan crying earlier had made him want to hold Dan forever, maybe help pick up the pieces of Dan's broken heart and carefully stitch them back together so his heart would never break again. Someone like Dan absolutely did not deserve to be crying alone at 3am, having nobody to talk to about his feelings. Phil knew that Dan deserved the absolute world and it was something that Phil didn't have but Phil knew just from the last 36 some odd hours that he would do anything he could to be able to bring the world to Dan, anything he's ever wanted, it's the least he could possibly do for someone like Dan.

Phil's thoughts came to an abrupt end as he suddenly felt a warm body against his, Dan having rolled over and was now curling into Phil's chest, slipping one of his legs between Phil's own to entangle them. Dan couldn't see the smile on Phil's face and Phil couldn't see the smile on Dan's face, but maybe that was the beauty of it all. And with that, they both fell asleep, finally getting the good nights sleep they both deserved.

There had been a few times during the night that the baby had woken up crying but Phil had said each time that he would handle it, and as hesitant as Dan was to let Phil do the work overnight, Phil always insisted and Dan was far too tired to even say anything mildly comprehensible in response so he would always lay back down and fall asleep.

It was around 10:30 on Saturday morning when Phil woke up. He yawned and stretched, looking over and seeing Dan, his hair a curly mess and his shirt rolled up his chest, and Phil found it to be incredibly endearing Phil stood up, careful not to move the bed too much as to not wake Dan up, he needed the sleep. Phil looked outside and saw it was a normal cloudy day in London, knowing the nice weather couldn't last forever.

He picked up the baby carriage and walked downstairs, deciding today he was going to ask Dan on a date. He knew it was probably a bit soon but he had already been attracted to Dan before they had ever even spoken and it's never too early on to get to know somebody better, the worst that can happen is Dan can say no and Phil can make a half-assed excuse to not make things awkward between them for the final day of the project.

Right as Phil was about to start making a nice breakfast for him and Dan, he heard an awful noise from upstairs. He paused for a second and listened again, cringing when he recognized the sound as retching coming from his bathroom. 

He debated for a second whether or not he should go check on Dan and opted to wait until he didn't hear anything.

About 5 minutes later, the house was silent and Phil decided it would be a good time to go check on Dan, having already put some soup in a pot to heat up for him, to sooth his throat. Phil headed upstairs, with the carriage, knocking on the door of the bathroom before opening it, a very pale and dizzy looking Dan sitting by the toilet, attempting to keep in the contents of his stomach.

Phil walked over and sat down next to him, rubbing his back a bit to try and sooth him before asking, "Are you okay?"

Dan glared weakly at him with red cheeks and bloodshot eyes, in a state of suffering that Phil didn't want him to be in, "Yeah, fine"

Dan swallowed thickly and stopped talking for a second, trying to calm his stomach before opening his mouth again, "I love coughing up stomach acid at 10am, it's my favourite pass time."

Phil shook his head, smiling endearingly at the boy next to him, still rubbing his back.

"Do you think it's the flu? Maybe a little stomach bug?" Phil asked, feeling his forehead

"I don't know what it is but it's making me feel like absolute shit," Dan said hoarsely, sniffling.

"You're a bit warm, and your cheeks are really hot," Phil said more to himself, "we should probably get you back to bed."

Dan was going to make some kind of sarcastic or snarky remark back at him, but was too weak, wondering for a brief second whether it was the fact that he just vomited that was making his cheeks hot or the mortification he felt over the fact that he just got sick at Phil's house, before standing up on wobbly legs, flushing the toilet and going to the sink to wash his mouth out and clean his face.

Phil eased Dan back into his room and into bed, putting some tissues and a bin next to him, just in case, before heading downstairs to get the soup. He poured some in a bowl, and got a sleeve of crackers. Just before he was about to take it upstairs, of course the baby would start crying, why wouldn't he?

Phil put down the soup and crackers and picked up the baby, rocking him and cooing at him, picking up the bottle and began feeding him. He wondered for a second if he could manage carrying the baby, feeding him, and bringing Dan his soup and crackers all at the same time, but ultimately opted to not cheat death today.

Feeding always took forever, about 10 minutes at a time, which wasn't that bad but Phil was a busy man and he didn't want Dan's soup to get cold.

By the grace of god, just moments later, the fussing stopped and the baby went silent again, signalling he was sleeping. Phil put him back in his carriage and covered him over with the blanket before grabbing the soup and crackers once again, taking them to Dan.

When he walked in, Dan was tucked in under a bunch of blankets, scrolling on his phone.

"Hey," Phil said as he entered, "made you some soup to help ease your throat."

Dan smiled weakly at him, "you're so sweet, thank you."

Phil put down the bowl on the bedside table, cursing as he realized he left the baby carriage downstairs, running down and grabbing it before coming back up.

They decided to sit in bed and watch movies all day and chat, just try to have a nice, calming day. As Phil put on a movie, he sat down next to Dan against the headboard, covering himself over and watching as Dan attempted to eat the soup, cursing as he realized it had not cooled off yet.

"Careful, it's hot," Phil said unhelpfully, looking over at him with a cheeky grin.

"Thanks Phil," Dan said hoarsely.

About halfway through the movie, Phil realized that his days plans had been foiled at this point and could only pray that by tomorrow, Dan would be feeling better. He didn't want to finish the project together and then go back to pretending they were complete strangers in class.

Phil spent the rest of that day practically attached to Dan at the hip, rubbing his back when he threw up, while still looking away so he himself didn't vomit, feeding Dan soup and giving him medicine so he could feel better as soon as possible. Phil felt quite selfish that he was mainly helping Dan feel better so he could ask him on a date tomorrow, he was just nervous that if he didn't do it tomorrow, it might never happen.

By the time 8:00pm rolled around, Dan was fast asleep and snoring like a bear.

'Endearing,' Phil thought to himself sarcastically as he questioned whether or not he should attempt to smother Dan with a pillow, but opted against it and decided instead to go and lay on the couch. As much as he loved laying with Dan, the sound of snoring made him want to murder someone.

Phil grabbed a spare blanket out of his linen closet - as Dan had stolen all of Phil's sheets and wrapped himself in a warm, cozy cocoon about 2 hours ago - and headed downstairs. He lazily stacked up some couch pillows and collapsed onto the sofa, grabbing the blanket and throwing it over himself.

Right as Phil was about to fall asleep, the baby started crying. Of course.

"Shit," Phil said as he realized he forgot entirely about the baby and went upstairs to get him. He grabbed the carriage quickly and headed out of the room, rolling his eyes as he realized the doll hadn't woken Dan.

Halfway down the stairs, Phil froze and realized that the baby hadn't woken up Dan and that he was no longer snoring, so he quickly went downstairs and changed the baby before heading upstairs again, as paranoia got the better of him, to check that Dan was still breathing and wasn't choked to death by his own mucus.

Right as Phil was halfway up the stairs, Dan's snoring filled the house again and Phil was both relieved and annoyed. Relieved that the death of his new romantic interest was not going to be on his hands and annoyed that since Dan is alive, that means the snoring continues.

Phil stopped and shook his head at himself, wondering why the hell he really thought Dan was dead in the first place.

'Oh anxiety, thou art a confusing and relentless bastard,' he thought to himself.

Phil continued downstairs and plopped his body on the couch, keeping a hand hanging down the side so he could rock the baby carriage to keep the baby calm.

A few hours later, Phil felt a sudden weight on his upper body, panicking for a second before opening his eyes and seeing Dan curled in a ball on top of him, sniffling and trying to catch his breath.

Phil kept silent, deciding to rub Dan's back and pull him in closer, not questioning him as to not upset Dan further, though he was extremely concerned.

"He won't leave me alone," Dan whispered, sniffling again, "why does he hate me so much Phil?" 

"What do you mean?" Phil asked gently, running his fingers through Dan's hair

"My dad," Dan said, leaving Phil with more questions than answers.

"Could you elaborate a bit more? Only if you want to," Phil said

Dan proceeded to tell Phil the entire story about his dad leaving and how it had an effect on his entire family. He told him about how depressed he had become after it, how many times he had caught his mother crying, trying to call his father and beg him to listen for just one minute, how desperately Dan tried to forget, tried to stop blaming himself through all the people that told him that this was all his fault, how his dad had outed him to the entire family after what happened before never hearing from him again, and how his dad now had his number and was harassing Dan and manipulating him.

Phil asked to see the texts and Dan embarrassingly held up his phone, seeing the screen completely smashed, the phone almost in bits at this point.

"Dan what happened to your phone?" Phil asked, in shock

"I smashed it, I didn't know what else to do anymore Phil, he's got too much control over me,"

"He has no control over you, Dan, you are an adult, you can take care of yourself, only you have control over yourself, you cannot let him take that from you. Dan you are an amazing person, you're intelligent, sweet, funny, you are amazing in every sense of the word, don't let his opinions on you change it. He will always be your parent, but he stopped being a Dad the moment he walked out of that fucking door and didn't look back. Now he's just another person with another shitty opinion that you can't let control you, as hard as it is," At this point, Phil was almost in tears himself, seeing Dan this upset and allowing an irrelevant figure to shape who Dan was and how he felt made Phil feel a mix of anger and extreme sadness.

Dan was stuttering over his own words, unsure of what to say, his eyes wide and pupils blown, his face was red and puffy, his eyes were bloodshot and his hair was an absolute disaster, and Phil was completely in love with him.

"Dan," Phil started, a nervous hint to his voice

Dan looked him in the eyes, silently urging him to continue speaking

"Can I kiss you?" Phil's heart was beating out of his chest and he felt as if he could pass out at any moment, and he suddenly felt like this was not the time or place to ask Dan if he could kiss him, but neither one of them were good at conveying their feelings through words, and Phil wanted Dan to know how important he was.

"Please," Dan whispered, so low Phil almost didn't hear him

Phil nodded, sitting himself up a bit, holding Dan on his lap, as close to him as he possibly could. They both began to lean in, Phil's shaky vision focused on Dan's lips until Dan spoke up quickly.

"Oh god I'm nervous," Dan said, looking away and laughing nervously

"It's okay, me too," Phil laughed softly along with him.

They sat back and stared at each other with eyes full of adoration, neither one of them moving to lean in again yet

."Maybe this isn't the best time for this," Phil said, "I know I'm the one that asked but I'm just thinking there might be a better time and a better place," Phil could see Dan's heart breaking through the emotions showing in his eyes before Phil continued talking, "like possibly 5:00pm tomorrow at J&J's restaurant down the road?" (A/N yes J&J are exactly who you think they are)

Phil didn't really mean for it to come out as such a nervous question, but he couldn't help it

Dan's eyes lit up and he nodded quickly, "yeah I'd love that."

Phil was completely overjoyed, and at this point, completely overtired, as he spoke about the plan, "how about tomorrow we go get you a new phone, we'll call your mum tomorrow morning and tell her your phone broke, we'll get you an all new number, we'll take down the old phone's number, everything, and then we can go for dinner."

Dan was completely happy with the plan, in disbelief that he would finally get to go on a date with a boy that he really liked.

"Oh, and," Phil said, an embarrassed smile on his face, cheeks red, "I've been planning this now for a day and my mum already said she would watch Finn for us while we went out."

Dan shook his head, an endearing smile on his face as he tackled Phil down onto the couch, both of them laughing as Dan made himself a koala around Phil's body, resting his head on Phil's chest.

'Yeah, I wouldn't mind spending forever with him,' Phil thought as he kissed the top of Dan's head, lying back, just a few moments later, feeling Dan reach up and place a soft kiss on his neck, both of them looking and smiling at each other, falling peacefully asleep.

The next morning, they woke up to the sounds of screaming, as usual, but this time both of them were unreasonably happy to deal with feeding the baby and to do everything they needed to do around the house before they left for the day.

It was around 12:30pm and Dan was in the shower. Phil had taken the baby over to his mum's house, Dan saying he was too nervous to go over with him and meet her. Phil had understood and had ventured out on his own, leaving Dan in the house by himself.

It was one of those days today. One of those days where Dan woke up excited in more ways than one, and while he had been nervous to meet Phil's mum and felt too awkward and uncomfortable to introduce himself yet, he also wanted to stay home so he could jerk off in the shower, and really, he could do that while Phil was home, but Dan was a whiner, and Phil would definitely be able to hear him.

Dan wasted absolutely no time, Phil said he would return in about half an hour and he only had about 20 minutes left. He wrapped a hand around his hard cock, his breath catching in his throat as an immediate shiver took over his sensitive body. It had been way too long.Dan let out a soft whine as he stroked himself, paying close attention to the tip of his cock and every spot that could have his knees collapsing from underneath him in just seconds. He was horny to the point of being overly sensitive and he absolutely loved it.

"Phil," he whispered under his breath, his mind wandering to all the things he and Phil could do after their date tonight. Dan had never really imagined himself as someone submissive, but if Phil so much as breathed near his neck he'd probably lay on his back with his legs open and begin begging. Phil just brought out that side of him.

His hips began thrusting into his hand, cursing himself for being close already. He stroked faster and faster, using his free hand to reach underneath and stroke his balls, making him let out a loud whine and throw his head back against the wall.

"Fuck!" Dan just about screamed, a few tears escaping as he felt his high creeping up on him slowly.

His breathing was quick labored and Dan was no longer certain if his hair was wet due to the fact that he was in the shower or if it was sweat.

"Gonna cum," Dan whined to no one in particular, looking down at himself as he imagined Phil on his knees, staring up at Dan with both the most and least innocent eyes possible and his tongue sticking out of his mouth.

Dan let out a long whine as his body trembled, his high washing over his body intensely, stroking himself as hard as he could to milk out his orgasm.

Dan continued leaning against the wall of the shower for a good 10 minutes longer before hearing the front door opening and Phil yelling, "Honey! I'm home!"

Dan couldn't help but roll his eyes and snort out a laugh at that, yelling back, "I'm in the shower!"

Phil didn't reply, so Dan decided to finally use his legs, praying they didn't betray him and completely buckle beneath him and continued washing his hair and body before stepping out the shower, drying himself off. Just as he turned off the water, he heard a knock on the bathroom door.

"You've been in there since before I left, are you lonely yet? Do you want someone to join you? I will volunteer if a friend is needed." Phil said through the door

Dan laughed in response, "I'm fine Phil, but thanks for the offer."

"Anytime," and with that, Dan heard the footsteps slowly making their way further from the bathroom and out to, Dan presumed, the living room. Dan continued drying himself off, looking in the mirror before he decided he didn't totally look like a wet mop and made his way out to the living room with Phil.When he walked out, he definitely did not expect to see Phil sitting on the couch with a McDonalds bag next to him, munching on a breakfast sandwich. He motioned for Dan to come and sit down next to him

"Finally! Your food is gonna get cold! I didn't really know what you liked so I got a shit ton of things you can go through. If you don't like some of these things, well I'll eat pretty much anything so it won't go to waste," Phil looked up from the bag at Dan with a smile on his face and Dan couldn't help mimic the same loving smile, sitting down and beginning to look through the bag.

"Jesus Christ Phil, how did you fit this all in one bag?" Dan asked, looking through everything.

"Well, once McDonalds food gets cold, it gets mushy and gross feeling but you can automatically go from 3 bags to 1 because of it."

Dan snorted, "a true problem solver."

They sat and chatted while eating their somewhat cold breakfast, just enjoying each others company. The next time they looked at the clock it was 2pm and they decided it was time to head out to get Dan a new phone. They had called his mum first thing when they woke up that morning and told her he had dropped it and smashed it so she wouldn't get worried when Dan didn't answer her good morning text within 3 1/2 minutes.

They headed out to the shop down the road and began looking at new phones, Phil reminding Dan of their dinner reservations for 5:00 so they couldn't dilly dally, but that remark went straight out the window when Phil caught sight of a displayed old flip phone that was plugged in and worked.

"Oh my god Dan you've gotta see this shit! An ancient artifact!" Phil said pointing at the phone.

Dan laughed and made his way over to where Phil was as they began dabbling with the phone, earning a glare from one of the workers.They decided eventually that they should act more like adults and they began properly looking around the shop.

One of the workers came up to them and Dan shivered uncomfortably as he felt cold fingers rubbing down his arm and an uncomfortably close voice whisper in his ear.

"Can I help you with anything today sir?" Dan tensed up and turned around, seeing the girl, Brittney they had seen at the store the other day smiling knowingly at him. Of course she worked here. Dan could never catch a break.

Phil turned around from where he was looking and walked over to Dan, intertwining their fingers and rubbing his thumb along the back of Dan's hand comfortingly, "I think we're okay thanks."

Phil's tone was slightly bitter but he tried to hold a sincere smile on his face.

"Alright, come find me if you need any help," she said and turned around with a wink, walking away.

"I can never catch a break," Dan shook his head, still holding tight onto Phil's hand.

"I know babe, but it'll be alright," Phil said squeezing Dan's hand in reassurance as they continued looking around for a phone. After a while of looking, they decided to go with an iPhone 6s and got it all set up, texting Dan's mum with Dan's new number before heading out of the store.

"What time is it now?" Dan asked, blushing as he realized Phil was still holding his hand.

Phil took his phone out of his pocket, opening it to check the time, "it is 4:00, we should probably head back home to get changed and then head to the restaurant yeah?"

Dan nodded in agreement and they walked back to Phil's house hand in hand.

They arrived back at Phil's around 4:30, getting changed quickly.

Dan didn't know why but he was extremely nervous. He was wearing a white button up shirt, one his mum had bought for him quite a long time ago that didn't quite fit him as well as he remembered due to the fact that he is now about 5 inches taller than when she bought it and that he has a bit of stomach pudge now. But Dan simply undid one of the almost choking buttons and tucked the bottom of the ill-fitting shirt into his black jeans. His hair was extra curly today but his hands were far too shaky for him to actually do anything about it.

He decided he looked good enough and headed downstairs, his breath catching as he saw Phil standing in a light blue button down and black jeans. A simple look but it still took Dan's breath away. Phil smiled at Dan lovingly and reached his hand out for Dan to hold again.

Dan took his hand again and they headed out the door, getting in Phil's car. Phil began driving, turning the radio on as background noise for their conversation. The restaurant was really just a 10 minute walk down the road but while they were getting ready it had began to rain, so they decided it would be better to drive.

They arrived at the restaurant, Dan sticking extremely close to Phil's side as he felt intimidated by the large amount of people in the establishment.They were seated not too long after they arrived, immediately looking through their menus. Half of the things on the menu Dan either didn't like or had never tried before so he decided to stay safe and get some pasta instead of trying anything weird or new.

Once they had both decided what they wanted, they put the menus down on the fairly big table and started chatting. Phil asked Dan what he had decided to order and Dan in returned asked Phil the same question

"I'm getting the chicken alfredo, mainly because I don't know how to pronounce half of the other things on the menu," Phil said chuckling

"Me too," Dan said

They continued chatting until their waiter came along and took their orders. She seemed quite nice, maybe a bit too nice to Dan for Phil's liking but Phil didn't think much of it as Dan seemed to be oblivious to it

The clattering of dishes, the loud chatting amongst families, the occasional screams of small children and the faint sounds of a song that neither of them could make out filled the atmosphere of the restaurant

The two boys continued their chatting. They talked about family, their futures and eventually fell upon the topic of having children in the future.A loud screech of an obviously displeased child made both boys wince slightly before looking over at the mum at the next table over who was frantically trying to calm the child.

"So, do you want kids in the future?" Phil laughed, speaking quietly

"Definitely. I love children. I've always loved the idea of adopting a child you know? I don't know why, I just really want to raise a child and watch them grow to become the person they want to be, but goddamn pregnancy sounds dramatic," Dan said

Phil stared at Dan lovingly while he spoke, Dan catching his stare and looking away, trailing off in the middle of his sentence

"I also want to have children in the future but pregnancy does sound a bit too dramatic for me as well," Phil said

"Well then I guess it's a good thing you're a guy huh?" Dan laughed

Phil shook his head in response and rolled his eyes, laughing, "shut up."

"You know, speaking of children," Dan said as his eye caught sight of a piece of paper on the side of the table with some crayons.

On the paper was a colouring page of a fish. Dan asked Phil if Phil wanted to help him colour the photo.

"You're such a child," Phil said, picking up a crayon

The two began to colour, continuing their conversations about their futures

They completely lost track of time as before they knew it, the waitress was bringing out their meals and setting them down in front of them, warning them that it was hot.

"Not the only thing here that's hot though," she mumbled under her breath, looking at Dan. Dan seemed not to hear her as he put away the crayons and colouring page but Phil definitely heard, choosing not to say anything as he didn't want to ruin this night for Dan.

She walked away, flashing a sickeningly sweet smile at Phil before disappearing out of sight

Both boys ate in comfortable silence, still keeping a slow conversation flowing between them.

It was really nice. They didn't need to keep a constant conversation going, they were just comfortable in each other's presence, enjoying the company.

Before they knew it, they were done their meals and it was 8pm. The restaurant was close to empty now and they went up to the counter to pay the bill.

As soon as the bill was paid, they walked out of the door hand in hand, Phil's grip tightening as he caught the waitress giving Dan a wink before they left.

"You alright?" Dan asked, looking up at him with big, soft brown eyes

Phil sighed contentedly, looking back into Dan's innocent gaze with a smile, "yeah I'm perfectly fine."

Dan smiled back and they both got into the car.

"You know," Dan said as he buckled his seatbelt, "you never did give me that kiss yet."

Phil was perplexed for a split second before remembering their conversation from the previous night

"Would you like that kiss now?" Phil asked

Dan inhaled sharply, his gaze suddenly nervous as the totality of the situation set in, but he nodded his head

"Are you sure? I don't want to do anything you don't want me to do, we can wait until another time," Phil said

"Please kiss me," Dan said, voice just above a whisper

Phil smiled at him and nodded before leaning in and connecting their lips, his heart just about jumping out of his chest and he couldn't help the giggle that spilled from his lips as he was overwhelmed with happiness.

Dan smiled widely against his lips, Phil's contagious laughter making him giggle as well.

After a few moments the kiss began to deepen, both of them breathing heavy and Dan let out a soft whimper as Phil bit down on his lip. Phil pulled away with red cheeks and lust filled eyes.

"Back seat?" Phil asked.Dan nodded immediately in response, taking off his seatbelt and making his way to the back, taking a moment to notice that it was completely dark and there were no more cars in the parking lot.

Both of them hopped in the back seat, getting situated as their lips connected once again, Dan's fingers tangling themselves in the hair on the back of Phil's neck as he yanked on them.Phil let out a small whine at that and straddled Dan's hips, clumsily trying to undo his belt.

"Can't be too long," Phil gasped as Dan emitted a whimper against his lips, "gotta pick up the baby from mums house."

Dan nodded, biting back a whine as Phil began kissing his neck and untucked the too-small shirt from Dan's pants, undoing the buttons on the shirt.

"Phil please," Dan moaned, just above a whisper as he threw his head back, his hips bucking. His neck was incredibly sensitive, and Phil's soft lips and the breath hitting his neck put him into a state of pure bliss.

Phil smirked against Dan's neck as he began to unbutton Dan's jeans, storing the information about Dan's neck being sensitive in the back of his brain for a later date

"Definitely can't go all the way," Phil panted as he began to grind down against Dan, "there's not enough room for how tall we both are. And we'll save that for another night."

Phil pulled back from Dan's neck, taking a minute to fully admire the boy in this state. Dan had a few small red marks on his neck that were quickly beginning to darken, his eyes were clouded with lust, his cheeks flushed and his hair was especially curly and messy from Phil pulling on it to allow better access to Dan's neck. His shirt was undone and slightly wrinkled, leaving an expanse of beautifully untouched skin for Phil's eyes and lips to admire. Phil adored every bit of his body.

Phil pulled down Dan's jeans as far as they would go with Dan sitting up and began palming Dan through his boxers. Dan squeezed his eyes shut and let out a silent gasp, his mouth hanging wide open in pleasure.

"Please kiss me," Dan said, lifting his head to look at Phil with love filled eyes.Phil quickly obliged, connecting their lips as he used his other hand to undo the button of his own jeans, pulling them down as far as he could while straddling Dan and taking his boxers with them.

Dan disconnected their lips for a second to look down and admire Phil's cock. It was long and just as hard as Dan was right now.

Phil pulled down Dan's boxers as well, biting his lip as he stared before bringing himself closer to Dan and using one hand to start rubbing their cocks against each other, jerking both of them off with one hand.

"Fuck," Dan gasped, leaning in and reconnecting their lips with an air of neediness, his hands coming back up around Phil's neck and pulling him impossibly closer.

Phil's other hand came up, pressing against the back window of the small vehicle to steady himself as he rocked his hips.

"So good," Dan whined against Phil's lips, bringing a hand out from behind Phil's neck to play with his own nipples.Their tongues were tangled with each other, sweat dripping down their foreheads and Dan began squirming as he got close.

"Stop squirming," Phil demanded in a dominating voice.

Dan either didn't hear or didn't care, because his hips kept bucking and his squirming got worse as time went on.

"I said, stop squirming," Phil growled as he reached out and quickly wrapped his hand around Dan's neck, pressing down slightly.

Dan's eyes went wide as he threw his head back, choking on a moan as he came suddenly, the warm spurts shooting up his chest, thankfully avoiding his shirt. He let out loud gasps and whines as he came down. 

"So close," Phil grunted as the grip of his fingers eased and he let go of Dan's clock and his neck, continuing to jerk himself.

Dan bit his lip, watching the sight before looking up at Phil with a glint of evil in his eyes, "come on Phil, cum for me."

Phil's hips bucked into his own fingers, his eyes squeezed shut."Please Daddy," Dan whined softly into Phil's ear.

"Fuck," Phil groaned loudly, throwing his head back as he came all over his fingers, rubbing himself through his high.

Both boys sat there panting, admiring each other, the cum drying on them becoming more and more uncomfortable as the moments went on.Phil reached behind him and grabbed a packet of tissues he kept in his car in case of spills and wiped off his fingers and Dan's chest.

After he was wiped down, Dan buttoned up his pants and shirt again, and Phil did the same with his pants

.Phil reached forward with gentle fingers and began to fix Dan's hair slightly for him. Dan's cheeks where still red and his eyes were still slightly glazed over, his lips red and swollen and Phil couldn't help but smile at the sight of him.

"You're so beautiful," Phil said, leaning in and pressing a soft kiss to Dan's lips, Dan smiling back at him, glad his cheeks were already red so Phil couldn't see his blush. 

Both boys clambered out of the backseat and got back into the front of the car, fixing their wrinkled clothing before they began driving.

The rest of the night was spent picking up the baby from Phil's mums house, Dan finally meeting her and introducing himself. They ended up staying at Phil's mums house for a bit while she showed Dan embarrassing photos of Phil when he was a toddler and when he was a teen. Phil was not quite as amused as Dan was but couldn't hold back the smile that appeared on his face whenever Dan would laugh loudly and poke fun at Phil's old photos.

As they drove back to Phil's house that night, Dan continued poking fun at Phil until eventually tiring himself out and falling asleep with his head against the car window, and as Phil looked over at him when they pulled into the driveway, there was only one thing replaying in his mind: 'Yeah, I wouldn't mind spending forever with him.'

[baeyerz]

"When was the last time, you do thing for the first time?"

End of June was a terrible moment I could still remember. I was messed up. Everything were messed up. I had a little family problem, financial crisis and of course I were also a problem to myself.

I was a young-dumb-broke-broken kid back then.(still am, but much better than before 😛) Trying to be independent so I won't be a burden to anyone. So, I decided to go out of my comfort zone. I need monehhh. But being a daddy's princess, I wasn't allowed to work. I don't even try to cuz I was afraid he would be mad at me. Every semester break, I would be staying at home, learn how to cook this and that or just sleep all day long(what kind of anak dara iz this?) . But seeing my dad growing old, and no longer working somehow make me feel like a very heavy burden.

While everyone were away, going back to their hometown for semester break, I was still at my residential college not going home, looking for a part-time job around KL. Went from one shop to another, looking for a vacancy. I also applied thru online. I went for several interviews but most of them didn't need part-time worker. I never thought it would be that hard, almost gave myself up. It was my first time anyway, everything seems hard at first.

I then went to Times Square, my second home 😛 tawafing the mall from 5th floor to the ground floor. At last, after crying a lil bit (cuz I'm baby boo) , I got my very first job at a retail store at the ground floor. And my journey as a sales associate begins...

It was awkward at first as I stepped into that shop. Everyone were minding their own business. I was very quiet for the first week. Some of them said I was very cocky and arrogant just because I don't talk to anyone when I actually just shy.

I didn't know what to do on my first day at work. But like what people said,

"malu bertanya, sesat jalan"

I asked my manager and she taught me what and what not to do. For the first few weeks, I were isolated to the back of the store, looking after the fitting room. It was a very boring job I swear. I couldn't count how many sweets I ate per day cuz I was super bored but some times I tried to communicate with the customers who were mostly foreigners from Arab, India and China to kill my boredom. It was fun to know new people, changing opinions, it helped improve my communication skills as well. I make new friends with a lot of people.

Later, I was promoted to be one of their cashiers. My co-workers were laughing at me on my first day cuz I was so so so so damn slow. They keep talking about it and it was embarrassing. My manager even called me siput babi. But that's okay. Mana ada orang lahir2 terus pandai cashiering 😛

Working as a cashier is more fun than working at the fitting room. I encounter lots of people everyday. But that was also a challenge cuz not all people in this world knows how to be kind. Some are going to look down on you, some are okay and most importantly they will mimic your attitude. If you're being nice, chances are they'll be nice to you too. I received lots of compliments from the customers especially american and those from countries around there, they said Malaysians are very polite and sweet. It was something to be proud of, u Malaysian. Keep smiling and say good things.

I also encountered some people with no manner at all. But nahh that's not gonna stop me from being nice to people.

I learn a lot and I worked really hard till I got burned out. That was the first time I see myself working so hard lmfao. I worked from 9am to 11pm, 6 days per week. And every off day, I will be sleeping like a dead man.

I didn't go home for 3 months. Somewhat afraid of my father hahahaa. I used all of my money I had, to survive til I get my first paycheck which I had to wait for about 2 months. That was a tough life. There were time when I had only rm5 left cukup2 untuk bayar tambang teksi. But Allah maha penyayang, a customer from Indonesia, he gave me some money enough to survive for a week. He said he's going back to Indonesia, he don't need malaysia ringgit anymore. It was weird wasn't it? But that was my rezeki for that day. I also received lots of souvenir from customers . And I believe, if we do good things, we'll get good things in return.

The saddest part was when I didn't go home for hari raya qurban. While everyone were gathering at home eating rendang and what not together, I was at my room crying, eating leftover food while listening to takbir raya. You know that feeling? - I felt sinful. Rasa macam anak perantauan sangat...

That moment when I received my first paycheck, it was like a new feeling to me. That feeling of satisfaction after working so hard. I'll definitely admit that actually having an income feels pretty fantastic.

After 3 months, I went home and luckily my father wasn't angry at all hahaha. He said that's okay to try to gain new experience.

Moral of the story, don't be afraid to go out of your comfort zone. Explore the world. Gain as many experience as you can while you can.

There's so many things I want to write actually but as what Ken said to me, "Peipei is a lazy pig" yes she is. So imma stop here. Might write new one when I have idea.

[skk-recollection]

September, 11 2019

Cutting it close to the departure time at. Flight was at 9AM. We arrived in Portland around 11PM. First stop was at Nong’s Kao Man Kai or Hainan Chicken over rice in english. A lot of people hyped up this restaurant for me so I had such a high expectation. First impression, the decorations does remind me of my home. We didn’t need to wait to be seated, just wait in line, order, and grab a seat. Food was a little pricey for chicken over rice. Food arrived, first bite without the sauce, nothing special. Second bite with the sauce, the sauce was amazing! it tasted like how it supposed to taste. This place also had fresh garlic on the side for you to add to your sauce. Fresh garlic was a nice touch, it compliments the sauce really well. I must say it was pretty good but still can’t get over the fact of how expensive it is though. Our second stop was at VooDoo Donut. We ordered a dozen of assorted and it came out to $20 lol......12 donuts for $20 was pretty extreme. The taste? it was just whatever. I could be bias though cause I like traditional style donuts, just glaze or sugar coated. 3rd stop, Barcade called Ground Control. It was a little nice arcade place. More of the old school games than modern games. I got to play one of my old favorite game; Time Crisis 2.

Spent a couple of hours there before we check in at the Airbnb. While we were driving to the airbnb, just a little bit outside of downtown, we noticed that the outskirt of Portland literally has nothing but houses. Barely has any restaurants and super markets, very different from where we came from. We checked in at 4PM and rested till 6PM before we got ready to get dinner. We were trying to get dinner at this one famous spot in downtown but it was an hour wait so we went to get pasta nearby instead. This place is also known in Portland but less people. It seemed like most of restaurant in Portland has no assign seating, literally just order at the front and grab a table. We ordered 3 plates; Mac and Cheese, Carbonara Spaghetti, and something else I forgot lol. It was good but nothing special. After dinner we drove a couple of blocks down to a Brewery Jeff was recommended. The place was cool and chill. We ordered some snack and beer. I love the fact that you can order half a pint. I can’t drink a lot of beer so this is perfect for me! We asked the waitress of where should we go for nightlife and she told to just walk down the street to basically China Town Area we were . at this morning. OH I forgot to mention that Portland has one of the saddest China Town ever. China town with no asian...What kind of shit is this. Anyways, we were at this area called “Old Town” supposedly be Gas Lamp of Portland. We were confused when we arrived....it wasn’t that early but it was so empty......friday night at 11PM and barely anybody walking around....We asked one of the club promoter if this is normal? nobody is out here on friday night. He said “yeah man this is it, it’s not like LA” we were like “ahh yeah we’re from LA lol” After a long walk we have decided to check out one of the 90s music bar. It was pretty cool but it was kind of dead. First thing I did when we got in, I took a shot right away so maybe that will make me have a little more fun lol. We went onto the dance floor and I couldn’t help myself but to noticed how weird these people dances......it was so awkward......I guess they do things differently out here than California. We only spent a couple of hours in that club and decided that this is real boring so we took off to buy food and came back to the airbnb and just hangout.

September, 12 2019

We woke up not to early to get breakfast at this well known Dim Sum Spot, considering the MOST famous place for dim sum. Wasn’t disappointed tho, food was good and the price wasn’t too bad. After breakfast we drove out to the east side of Portland to go hiking at Beacon....something. I personally don’t like hiking but fuck it. As much as I hate hiking, I am glad I did it though. The view was beautiful the only bad thing I can say is, you actually get better view 3/4 way up than on the top lol. We kept pushing east to sighting seeing

Love the vibe in all these places. Cloudy, dark green, very moody

September, 13 2019

Today we were going to explore the inner city. We had a breakfast at Screen Door. American style breakfast and brunch. I ordered Chicken Waffles. There were options for 2, 3, or 4 pieces. I got 3 not knowing how big it would be. Just imagine roughly 10oz of chicken thigh....I was dont after eating 2 pieces of chicken and half of the waffles. Not going to lie though, sight seeing in Portland was kind of whatever, at least for me. That’s also why I didn’t take lots of good photos. We had some beer and play some board games between each places. You made a stop at Pittock’s Mansion. The mansion itself was a little bit creepy, the view from the mansion was just okay, not as amazing as the online said...a little disappointed. We didn’t really know what else to do toward the end of the day so we went to Top Golf. Top Golf might just be the most fun I had during the whole trip. I used to play golf before but I was not good. It’s nice to get to play again. We had a little competition, loser buys drink. After that we went to dinner at Pok Pok, one of the most known thai food in Portland so I was excited. We ordered a lot in quantity but the portion is nothing. We orders 6 difference dishes. 3 out of 6 was one of the rare dishes you can find in the U.S. Fast forward to after the meal, now I am going to sum it up the meal for you. The portion size was good, though it’s small but you can try other dishes too. so it’s not entirely bad that it’s small but the price for that size was a little excessive. I was really disappointed in hoi tod, it was only crispy on the outside but the inside is soggy, its almost like it was soaking in oil....however they got the sriracha sauce right though. Kong op woonsen was decent, nothing stands out for a plate that costs $17. Yum kai down was good. It tasted like how it supposed to be but again, $8 dollars for a couple of fried eggs was a little too much. The bill came out to $150 something for 3 people and for 6 dishes....think about it. That was way too expensive. 

We didn’t do much on the last day before the flight. All on all I’d probably not going to go back to Portland again. I think main reason was, it’s just not my type of vibe. Food was very expensive and it didn’t taste like how it supposed to for the most places I’ve eaten. It was very hard to drive around in the city...you would think LA or New York is the worst...nope this is by far the worst. People of Portland are not as diverse as other states I’ve been to...it made me a little uncomfortable. annnnd yep.

[therealbuttertost]

Bad Decisions

Just for tonight, I have nobody left to air my sadness out to. So I’m going to do it here. I’ve stopped caring who sees this, I don’t care if it sounds melodramatic, I’m just tired of making throwaways for this shit. Recently I have hit rock bottom, and I’m struggling to find my way out of it. 

It started earlier this year when I got properly introduced to drugs, and that’s about the time I became a real piece of shit. I stopped talking to my friends, didn’t talk to my girlfriend as much and even stopped putting in the effort to be a good boyfriend. I made several bad decisions along the way and am continuing to do so, because I don’t know how to make decisions that aren’t completely toxic anymore. It started when I was still in film school, and I got introduced to this group of people who at the time seemed like a great bunch - we’ll call them the stoners. But eventually they turned out to be a completely horrible bunch of people and the attitudes they have rubbed off on me. They smoked a hell of a lot of weed, and while even now I smoke from time to time, this was some day in, day out, kind of smoking. It was non-stop. At the time it was great. But eventually a sort of…dependence rose from it. I became a total prick when I wasn’t smoking, I had a go at people because I thought they were accusing me of being a stoner or a druggie (weed isn’t a hard drug obviously but a lot of my friends could see what it was doing to me), and that offended me. I wasted a lot of money I didn’t have on weed. I stopped going to film school, just sitting in that stoner’s den smoking all the time. This led to me not doing my coursework when I should have been, and generally just letting life pass me by because I just stopped caring. Lastly it stopped me talking to all my closest friends; Josh, Billie, Kato, and a good group of friends that I’ve recently managed to integrate myself back with.

I was living in the area with these stoners, and I was arranging to move in with a couple of my classmates ready for the third year of film school. At the time I didn’t see myself as a complete loser, the world was still in my hands despite me not taking any opportunities. The move wasn’t to happen for a good few months but we had found a house and we were all good and ready.

However during this time I get invited to be a crew member on a film shoot; ‘Great!’ I thought, ‘I get to kickstart my career off!’ 

Unfortunately the manager of my part time job (the only thing allowing me to move into the new house - which I was very excited to do), wouldn’t let me take the holiday in order to chase my career. In my clouded mind the only option I had was to quit my job. ‘I’ll easily be able to find another job that allows me to also go to film school’ I tell myself. 

So that’s exactly what I do, I quit my job, and a few weeks later found myself on the set of my first proper film. However because it was a budget film and not exactly a Hollywood production; the schedules were tight, and eventually me and a few others found ourselves being taken advantage of. Before we joined the set, I was asked to wrangle together a small team of runners and assistants. So of course my first port of call are the people I go to film school with, and by association, two of the stoners I hung around with. Those stoners talked me into giving up on the shoot and going home. I don’t blame them for my actions, but I regret letting myself be such a pushover that I just agreed with them. I wasn’t happy working there, but if it wasn’t for that I probably would have just put up with it. At the time it seemed like a good idea, especially since myself and the stoners that were there came up with the idea to make our own production company together. Things were working out after all, until it didn’t.

A couple of weeks later, while I’m searching for a job, I get invited to a party at a pub. I knew all of three people there, and I wont lie I had a great time. I don’t regret how I felt there. However I do regret certain events of that night. It gets to about 11pm now and one of the people at the party (close friend of the birthday boy) invites most of us back to his place. We get there and after about half an hour that same guy comes up to me and asks me if I want him to get any pills. At the time in my naive mind, I thought he meant ‘pils’, as in the lager ‘holsten pils’, so I say yes. It doesn’t take long for him to bring back three pills of MDMA. I was still in this mindset of being king of the world, so I didn’t have any problem with taking one of the pills. And for the record I had a great time and it is the only drug I fully recommend people to take at least once in their lives. But, I regret the person it turned me into. You can’t get addicted to MD, it isn’t that sort of drug. But I let my enjoyment of it get too much that even one of the stoners called me drug hungry, and got concerned about my well being. 

The above two paragraphs put me in a state of financial crisis. I still had a few months of my current tenancy, and another 11 months of the new house I was supposed to move into. I needed a job and I still didn’t have one. I got so desperate that I started looking for full time work instead of part time. I found a job pretty quickly after that, but as a result I had to drop out of film school, and the chain reaction to that was that I couldn’t move into the house with my classmates. It was a student only house, and I had to let the estate agents know otherwise I would illegally not be paying council tax. But the landlady didn’t want a non-student there. So I was sent on my way with no career, and a job which I fucking hated.

This was about the time my life went off the rails. Because I was no longer in film school, the stoners basically dropped contact with me. I had made a production company with a couple of them, and they all but kicked me out of it. The ringleader of the production company - probably the one I was closest to out of all the stoners - didn’t even have the balls to tell me this. He used one of his friends to tell me. They didn’t even let me fight my ballpark and explain that I could juggle the company and my job. Moments after this, one of my actual friends (who was already concerned about me at the time), was asking me for money that I didn’t have so I could help pay for a present for our teacher. I refused because of the above reason and she brought up the argument that I shouldn’t spend so much money on drugs. While at the time I was spending less, she was still right. But I was too insulted to let that comment slide and built it into this massive argument that exploded and we fell out for several weeks. My best friend Josh also had enough of me around this time, and it took a very long time before I actually realised this enough to mention that he was being dismissive when talking to me. He called me out on my bullshit and that was the first step in my wake up call. But even now I find it uncomfortable. I’m ashamed of the way I treated him during that time considering for several years he’s only been there for me and supported me. But I throw it in his face by ignoring him, and I don’t know how to make that friendship feel the same as it used to be.

By the time I've spent enough time away from drugs to start returning to normal and not being such a prick, an old friend from college gets in contact and we arrange to meet. I forgot I was seeing my girlfriend (Chloe) the evening before because a work party is happening, but I say that I'm still willing to meet despite knowing I'll probably be hungover. Sure as anything the following morning we wake up hungover as fuck, and it's about 5pm in the evening. We slept through the whole day. To begin with I was too ashamed to get in contact and apologise, and then when I finally got the courage to do so, that friend challenged me on it, saying 'You did kinda fuck up' and that was enough to make me basically consider that friendship fucked. There's a long story involving that friend where I made several other bad decisions, and we didn't speak for a long time (my fault entirely). So for this to be added on top of that, I'm too weak to gain the courage to face the music. And I, again, burned that bridge when it wasn't necessary. Because I don't know how to own up to my faults until it's too late. This isn't a drug related story, but it's another bad decision on a whole goddamn list of them that I need to make amends for.

I’m not even 100% sure if I’ve got all that information in chronological order. My memory is just a blur of drugs and bad experiences that it all just fits in together by this point. That’s how fucked up I was that entire time. I’m not even including the parts where I started taking cocaine, they aren’t relevant to what I want to get off my chest.

All this brings me to where I was this past weekend. Since the time of the above stories, I don’t do as many drugs any more. I smoke weed occasionally if it’s a good time to do so. I thought I managed to get over it and was just in the process of fixing all the mistakes I made over the past year. 

However I’ve made another bad decision that while it quickly blew over, I’m still dealing with the guilt of it. Remember that group of friends I mentioned at the start? My girlfriend (Chloe) and I are part of that group and this lot are awesome. They’ve considered me a friend for longer than I knew about and they’re generally a kickass bunch. It was Chloe’s birthday on Saturday and I took her out for a meal, and then we were invited out for drinks afterwards, which we accepted. However, Niall’s old friend James was there by the time we arrived, and these two have a weird history which I wont get into. The group was happy to stay at the pub and drink, but James invited everyone back to his place, and got fairly pushy about it. He asked Niall if he wanted to do MD and Niall refused. Then James asked me and without giving it a second thought I said yes. Despite it being Chloe’s birthday. Chloe didn’t mind me taking drugs, mostly I think because she hasn’t seen what an asshole I am on them. It’s the actions I took while rolling, is what I regret.

We got back to James’ house and I took both bombs in one, and in about half an hour got to the point where I couldn’t stand up. I locked myself away in James’ room with him and proceeded to come up to the high that I loved, my mind collapsing in on me while I was sat on his bedroom sofa. It turns out I was in there long enough for the rest of the group, and Chloe, to get tired of being there - they didn’t want to be there in the first place - and they decided to go to the pub. While they were there, James and I decide to go for a walk and during this walk I come to the realisation that maybe I shouldn’t be taking fucking drugs while it’s my girlfriend’s birthday. James offers his place to stay at and I call Chloe and tell her that we’re staying at his. I didn’t give it a second thought. I was being absolutely selfish because I wasn’t thinking straight. The MD had completely consumed any care I could give about what she thought of the idea. I shortly afterwards get a call from one of the group who explains that Chloe is crying, and everyone (7 people) is incredibly angry with me. 

That was the exact moment I properly woke up and admitted I have a problem. Chloe and I haven’t even argued yet, let alone been upset by the other’s actions. I had made Chloe cry, I showed her what an asshole I can be when under the influence, and the moment I realised this I was filled with remorse. The events of that weekend have blown over and I’ve made my apologies and everyone has forgiven me. But ever since I woke up from my drug haze, all I can see is the damage I’ve caused to myself this year. All I’ve done is make bad decision after bad decision, and I’m afraid that I’m going to keep making more of them. It’s not enough to say I’m sorry anymore. I had plenty of opportunities to realise my mistakes and make up for them but I just didn’t. I alienated most of my friends, showed them that I’m untrustworthy, or unreliable. I’ve hit rock bottom, and I don’t know how to fix this. I’ve run out of people I can talk to about this, because I’m ashamed to tell anyone specific. I don’t want to lose anyone else because of my actions, even if it’s just me explaining them. I’ve turned into a completely toxic person and I don’t know how to fix myself anymore. 

I don’t expect anyone to read this all the way through but if you did, just know that if you let drugs get the better of you, it’s only going to end badly. You’ll hang out with the wrong people, or gain a dependence that you are better off without. You’ll lose the trust of literally everyone around you, and you wont be able to fix it. Not properly anyway.

I know most of this is rambling, but a lot of this is stuff I haven’t told anyone. So if you’re reading this and you’re someone I know, please don’t think less of me. I’m trying to sort myself out.

[laseroy89]

Save Point

[WP] After dying in an accident, you awake at your journal just after writing your last entry. You realise that writing in your journal acts as if it were a save point in a video game.

I jolted suddenly, and my favourite pen clattered to the floor, resulting in a large crack spanning its length. I winced. That pen had served me faithfully for years. Holding it was comfortable, writing with it was smooth, and changing the ink tube was easy. I would miss that pen.

But I pushed those thoughts away. There were more pressing matters at hand.

How the hell did I end up on my chair? Right after what happened?

I distinctly remembered going for a lunch date with Jane, at exactly 12pm on 5th September, outside the train station. That was where we would walk together to the mall. I knew I did that, because I had specified that particular time and place for our second date earlier that day, and she had agreed cheerfully.

We had met at the entrance to the train station, and started walking down the pavement to the wall, chatting animatedly about the ending of Game of Thrones, and….the truck. A white Toyota. The deafening revving. We both looked up in annoyance, just in time to watch it speed round the bend. It spun out of control, toppled over, and the momentum carried it towards us.

The first thing I did was to push Jane away. Yeah, to shove her out of harm’s way, but also to make way for me to jump clear too. But in moments like these….people do dumb things. I underestimated the length and speed of the truck. I did push her away, but when I jumped….it had already reached me.

I remembered being forced down onto the pavement, and the roof of the driver’s cabin ground against my legs, reducing them to….I closed my eyes, trying to rid myself of that disgusting image. To put it simply, I couldn’t see or feel my legs anymore. Just red, and more red. The last thing I remembered was the driver, staring wide-eyed at me through the windscreen.

And here I was, with my journal opened in front of me. I remembered writing it last night, right before I went to sleep.

I glanced at my watch. It was 11pm, 4th September.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let me just get this straight. I was crushed under the truck, and suddenly, I was thrown back to the time I wrote the journal.

It was bizarre, to say the least. I didn’t know why I was teleported back in time, and why specifically to when I was writing the journal.

Maybe the journal was like some video game save point? Okay, cool. I get a second chance at life. Suppose if the journal had this superpower, then….theoretically, I could reset my life whenever I wanted. Through suicide, of course. Kinda screwed up though.

But first, I needed to make things right.

I couldn’t sleep all night, hoping, just hoping, that she wouldn’t ask for a second date. Lo and behold, she sent me that fated message early in the morning.

Alright, we’ll pick a different place this time round. Not the mall, not anywhere near the road….how about that nice little bar just up the corner at Smith Avenue? Wait, no, that was too close to a road. Couldn’t risk it.

Before I could think of an answer, my phone buzzed again with another message from her. “So sorry, could we meet on the 6th instead? I have to go out with my boss today. Gotta discuss some projects at some random restaurant at the mall. Maybe a chance to get a promotion??:):):):)”

Phew, crisis averted. “Sure, the 6th will be great. See you then!! Good luck with the boss!!”

I put down my phone, relieved. Well, no one’s gonna die today, and someone may get lucky tomorrow. This reset was much better than the previous attempt.

Wait….did she say “at the mall”?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She wasn’t picking up my calls.

I rushed out from the train, barrelling my way through the crowd and leaping up the escalator two steps at a time.

The truck may not arrive this time, yet there was that nagging feeling at the back of my mind. What happens if it did? There was no guarantee that it wouldn’t happen again.

I could make out the two of them in the distance, walking along the pavement that the two of us were walking before. I slowed down, trying not to be so conspicuous. I just had to make sure that the same thing didn’t happen again.

Shit.

The revving seemed to come out of the blue. I watched as the white truck appeared, speeding in the exact same way.

I had to get to them.

I broke into a sprint, hoping to reach them before anything happened. They had looked up, probably in the same annoyance at the sound.

There was a difference this time round though….the truck spun out of control, but after it passed the two of them. It toppled much later, and started sliding towards me.

Instinctively, I turned back, attempting to run away. But it was too late.

I watched as the familiar scene replayed itself. I was forced down onto the pavement, and the roof of the driver’s cabin ground against my legs, into that familiar red mess, and that familiar feeling of nothingness beneath my hips.

However, the last thing I saw this time wasn’t the driver looking at me. Instead….I saw her, now much closer to the wreckage. Her mouth agape in horror, and I saw a flicker of recognition in her eyes.

And here I was, jolted awake again. My pen dropped and cracked, again. The same journal, opened at the same page, again.

What the hell do I do now?

[a-gert-lush-holiday]

Travel day, and day 1

Our travel day started off well, but slowly started to descend into minor chaos. Lucy woke up around 11pm from an apt nightmare about missing our flight, and so the pair of us decided not to go back to sleep. This was partially so we would definitely be up in the morning, and partially so both of us might be tired enough to sleep on the flight. We tried the TV in our room, however this unfortunately didn’t work at all! We ended up chatting and playing random app games until 4:30, when we both got ready to head out for the day.

A taxi hailed by the front desk got us to Terminal 4, WHSmiths got me a lock for my suitcase - I had been unable to find mine before leaving home, and we finally got our cases checked in around 6:15.

Time for security, which I think is everyone’s least favourite part, but was definitely Lucy’s nemesis today! As well as being selected for the dreaded body scanner, her backpack was also selected for screening 😣 In contrast, I sailed right through for a change! (I seem to get all the random checks when travelling alone on planes - this is even more terrifying when you get pulled to the side whilst an officer speaks to you in German and all the German you know flies out your brain like whoosh). Security over, we had a browse of the shops and popped into Costa for a drink and a sit down until our gate was announced.

Bing! What’s that phone? Oh, delayed 45 minutes? I mean, that’s rough, but not the end of the world, our connection is still doable.

Just as if to prove me wrong, pretty much as soon as I said this another text arrived, putting the time back to 10am. This was...not so doable. At this point, Lucy is beginning to freak out that her nightmare is coming true, and quite honestly despite the brave face I was trying to put on to keep calm, so was I! Luckily no more texts were received, and we boarded the plane at 9:40 - which was definitely pushing it but hey if the plane took off at 10 we still had time before boarding opens!

*sigh*. I really should stop jinxing myself, because sod’s law took over and made us take off at 10:20. This meant that as we landed at 12:25 in Paris, we had 5 minutes before boarding opened, and it was looking increasingly unlikely that we were going to make it. We managed to jump off the plane at 12:40, and the pair of us literally sprinted as fast as our legs would carry us!

Charles de Gaulle unfortunately has another set of security when changing flights, and this is where all hope started to seem lost as Lucy got selected for bag screening again! We explained this to the officer and he very kindly did the fastest yet thorough bag check he could, and we continued our sprinting to the gate, allllllll the way down the end of the terminal! (Because of course it would be!)

Fortunately, the Japan gods seemed to be on our side, as check in had not yet closed! As we made our way onto the plane I received a notification that check in was closing ASAP, so we made it literally by the skin of our teeth.

Crisis averted and butts in seats, we finally were on our flight bound for Tokyo! Lucy settled in on the IFE with either Ant Man or Crazy Rich Asians - I initially debated whether to start watching Ralph Breaks The Internet, but figured I would start watching films after the dinner service. Instead, I settled in with the inflight map, whilst listening to Muse (Simulation Theory, in case anyone was wondering!)

Shortly afterwards, the hostesses came round with a wet towel, round of drinks, and some rosemary crackers. I initially wasn’t sure if I would like them, but they tasted a bit like focaccia bread in cracker form! They also went well with the apple juice I ordered, however after this light snack I was still hungry and dragged a Twix from my bag. After a play through of the album, I finally decided to start an episode of Family Guy when we were somewhere over Copenhagen, thinking food would be coming soon. This turned out to be a smart move, as the second the episode finished it was our turn to be served food!

Our choices today consisted of chicken in sauce, or Japanese style beef curry. I love Japanese curry, so decided to go for the beef, which did not disappoint! Yes, it’s airplane food. Yes, it will never be as good as the real thing served up in an actual restaurant. But for airplane food? The beef was tender and well seasoned, the sauce was delicious and easy on the tastebuds, and the rice wasn’t too soggy or too hard. Chase that down with Camembert and proper french butter on a roll, and a delicious lemon and poppy seed cake, and I was content.

However, I did leave the salad - I’m honestly not a great fan of vegetable salads, especially when smothered in mayo. Lucy has the same meal as me and tried the salad - she ended up leaving it as it was no bueno for her.

I kept an eye on the skymap whilst we ate; we were now flying over Helsinki! The flight seemed to be going really fast at this point, however there was still another 9 hours to go. I settled in and watched a documentary about airbus beluga planes, Lucy listened to some music, and then we both tried to have a nap. Emphasis on the ‘try’. After a lot of tossing and turning, a 30 minute food documentary break, and a change of album from Red Hot Chilli Pepper’s Greatest Hits to a Nirvana compilation, I managed to catch a disjointed 2/3 hours of sleep. Lucy was unable to sleep, and therefore watched another film before poking me awake around 2 hours before decent, taunting me that I missed the ice cream rounds xD

It was not long after I woke up that I began to notice a peculiar smell coming from the galley behind us - I figured this was breakfast, but it had a very strong smell of something that was making me feel ill. However, when food was brought round an hour before landing, breakfast tasted a lot better than it smelt!

This was a scrambled egg, vegetable and...some sort of starch medley - unfortunately I couldn’t read all of the French on the front. The smell I realised after tasting it was most likely soy; whilst I love soy sauce in many things, if I whiff the bottle directly? Nope. This went down with a roll, butter and strawberry jam, plus a nice creamier tasting french version of what I assume was actimel, and a madeline. There was also what I thought was a very fruity yoghurt as the front said ‘apple vanilla’ in French, but as it looked and tasted like baby food one tiny bite of this was enough for me.

Shortly after this, we began the decent, landing cards were completed, and we landed safely at Narita airport. At this point I began to have an ‘oh my god, is this actually real?’ moment, and felt quite emotional. I have wanted to visit Japan since I was 14, and never truly thought I would ever get to make it happen. It still doesn’t quite feel real at the minute! My mind was constantly narrating as we exited the plane such gems as ‘oh my god, I’m standing on a Japanese escalator!’ (Which, in hindsight, I am so glad I did not say out loud!).

On to immigration! Here I have another tip: you’re going to need a black or blue pen, and pick up an immigration card from the desk by the queue. Sit in one of the seats and fill it out. Do not pass go, do not collect £200.

Yes, the card you filled out on the plane...was not the whole story. You need to fill out an immigration card also alongside the customs landing card, which you are not told about on the plane, nor is it particularly well signposted until you get to the end of the queue and the official at the line directing you to a attended booth for fingerprints and photographs takes a look at your documents and tells you you need one to proceed.

Which is fine, but then please don’t be like me and fill the form out in red pen, because you will get kicked out the queue yet again to fill it out on a dark colour. No where is it stated that red pen is the work of the devil, but these things happen so off I went to do as the man said. Ah, Japanese bureaucracy at it’s finest!

It was around this point I turned my phone on and connected to the free WiFi, and my heart immediately sank. You see, I had one more fear that I did not tell Lucy about, knowing that it was most likely going to happen due to the short connection and not wanting her to worry, and I had just had it confirmed.

‘Your baggage items will not be delivered upon arrival. They are still in transport. Please visit the baggage desk for further information’. At this point, given the baggage situation, the third time round I jumped in the line I felt so dejected, like ‘please, dear lord, let this be it!’.

This time round the gentleman waved me through, I passed through immigration, met up with Lucy (who was fortunate enough to have filled the form out in blue pen the first time round after our queue kicking), and together waited in a queue with a lot of people from the same flight.

This was also where I experienced Japanese bureaucracy and efficiency at it’s finest - the desk staff were working so hard to explain the situation, advising how to fill in yet another form to confirm the loss of the baggage and open claims for everyone, and were then escorting people to Customs so they could be processed (as obviously we were no longer accompanied by baggage, the lost baggage forms had to be processed so Customs can check the baggage after its arrival). We were also advised that we would get the equivalent of $100 a person that would be refunded for the purchase of essentials upon providing receipts - assuming the delay is only as long as the day they stated, this is actually a better deal than our travel insurance!

Finally, finally we were free on Japanese soil - and all we wanted to do was get to the hotel and de stress. Not to be, as check in was not until much later in the day, and we now needed to purchase a change of clothes.

At this point, I decided to get out a bit of extra cash at a 7-11 atm, praying the whole time my card would not get blocked, and internally cheering when I was presented with a wad of cash. My second stop was to grab my newly purchased Passmo (a bit like an Oyster card, but it can be used across Japan, and not just London), and complete a childhood dream - paying for a drink at a vending machine with your train pass.

Okay, yes, that sounds really lame nowadays when we have contactless payments and you can use your phone to buy pretty much anything. However, back in college before this technology really even existed as more than a concept in the west, I saw a video on YouTube of a guy paying for his drink using his IC card, and this basically cemented the idea that ‘Japan is this cool place that thinks outside the box why do we not have this man I wanna go there’. And now I have. So I did xD

Peach coca cola in hand (10/10 would buy again, the Diet Coke version at home is far inferior), we jumped on the Sky Access train (half the price of the Skyliner, with only a couple more stops, plus you don’t need a reserved ticket) to the Skytree and its shopping mall to pick up some clothes, and other bits like a hairbrush or face wipes. I ended up going in Uniqlo, and in there I saw the cutest Moomin shirt :D So of course I brought it! I also grabbed a pair of shorts, a shirt, and some clean underwear to change into, and then after browsing a bit more we hit up a Combini for lunch as the food hall in the Solamachi was packed.

I chose a onigiri with chilli oil filling (it had a sort of umami taste, with sesame I think?) and Lucy had a cheeseburger. But that’s okay, because she got to enjoy that they will put it in the microwave for you! We also both picked out a pastry each, for which I went for a choco-coronet and Lucy went for a croissant which ended up having a delicious sugar crust on top!

At this point we still had time to kill, so it was time for a browse around outside in the fresh air. Cherry blossoms were still in bloom, albeit barely, so we took a moment to admire these before moving swiftly onwards, and finding a gacha shop.

For the uninitiated, a gacha shop is full of gachapon machines (gachapon being tiny capsules filled with toys, like what’s in a kinder egg but not encased in chocolate), all selling different collectible sets. From this with the meagre change I currently had, I ended up with a Hogwarts hufflepuff badge, a tiny Iron Man, and a Sylveon keychain. All fairly decent pulls.

Another wander, a jump on the subway one more stop, and we were checking into our hotel. More on the hotel hopefully later, but I can confirm it is very very nice :)

For today, that is where I will have to stop, as Lucy has been sleeping pretty much since (a full 24+ hours without sleep will wreak havoc on you, yikes), and I have been pottering around trying out things like the indoor slippers, and heated toilet seats (11/10, need one for home so I don’t freeze my arse off when attending the ladies room).