#this is the most old men thing ever. like when old people set their phone text size to max so only 2 words fit in a screen | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mulloey · 7 months ago

Text

the new girl • ateez

ateez gets a new pet

warnings: bdsm au. dom!ateez, sub!reader, use of bdsm terms but they’re not hard to figure out, more experienced ateez, rewards and punishments, bdsm training, impact play, pet play, praise and degradation, cocky & patronising ateez, implied bisexual reader, orders, naked female & clothed males, finger blasting, anal play, oral (f receiving), mouth fucking (with fingers), voyeurist ateez at times, taking turns, no penetrative sex. everything you’d expect from a bdsm au tbh

—————

A few days ago you could never have pictured yourself in this situation, or any like it, for that matter. But here you are, in a private room of a bar in Gangnam with eight men who seem genuinely interested in making you their submissive. How their even knew you were into that kind of thing is a mystery — or would be a mystery, were it not for your smug looking best friend behind the bar who’s been talking for months about setting you up with some of the people who patronise these rooms and make little secret (to the staff, at least) of what they use them for. But to your friend’s credit, she’s managed to pick, out of what you’re sure has to be scores of creeps and weirdos, eight extremely attractive, extremely interested men.

“We usually find our partners through matching sites and meet them here for the first time,” they’d explained, “but we’ve been out of luck recently, so we thought we’d try to find someone the old fashioned way. And when your friend behind the bar told us what a natural submissive you are, we knew we had to meet you for ourselves.”

You’d blushed at that, both at their words and the fact that your friend had so wantonly offered you up like that. But it’s true that you’re naturally submissive, and she has reason to know it; in college you’d done casual scenes a few times with her, and though you never ventured much further than whips and chains and yes ma’ams, the little you had explored was enough to show you and her just how submissive you are, and want to be. And if she trusts these strange men, who surround you like predators and stare at you like prey, then so do you.

They seem to have heard the stories too, of just how easily you’d caved when she praised you or ordered you around, and they definitely seem to like those stories. And even though you’re essentially being interrogated for your suitability as what some would call a sex slave, you feel comfortable and at ease with them, which you didn’t even know was possible in a scenario like this. So when they ask if you’d like to meet again to explore this further, you don’t even bother to blame the wine for how quickly you agree.

They offer to squeeze you into their cars to drive you home but you decline, insisting it’s not worth the trouble. With a half-joking you won’t be ordering us around for much longer they call you a cab, bidding you farewell with a quick hug each. The leader, Hongjoong, adds his contact to your phone and slips a black business card into your back pocket.

“I’ll see you soon, puppy,” he smiles.

Over the next few weeks you text and call back and forth with the men. They’re kind, unexpectedly patient and gentle considering the type of relationship you’re quickly moving towards with them. In just your luck, their schedules take them out of the country two days after your first meeting, and by the time they’re back and have enough time off to give you the attention they want to, you’ve known them for a couple of months, and like them, you’re impatient to start.

But ever the careful and responsible dominants, they insist on a few more in-person meetings with each individual member — “for your safety, puppy, and ours,” they say — before you finally get the call you’ve been waiting for.

“Hi, honey,” Hongjoong greets. “Are you ready to start?”

——————

Days later, you meet them again in a cafe in Gangnam. It’s a pretty unique set-up for a cafe, a little darker and more ambient than most, but it suits the purpose of your meeting well. You spot them quickly, huddled around a table in the far corner of the room and they see you too, waving you over. It’s only four of them, you note, not the eight you’d met the last time. They stand to allow you the choice of where to sit and you choose a seat at the edge. You know them fairly well and have no doubts of their intentions, but you know you’ll feel more at-ease knowing you can get up and leave quickly if needed. The others settle in, Yeosang next to you, Seonghwa and Hongjoong opposite, and Jongho at the end. Their gazes are fixed on you and just as intense as you remember them.

“Uh…” you start. “Where are the others?”

“We thought it’d be better if less of us came this time,” Hongjoong explains. “To make it less overwhelming for you.”

“It’s something we should have considered last time,” Seonghwa adds. “We apologise that we didn’t.”

You smile, shaking your head. “No, it’s fine,” you say.

“It’s not,” Jongho says, “but it won’t happen again. Did you bring everything we asked?”

You nod, reaching into your jacket pocket to pull out a crumpled sheet of paper with everything you’d been told to pack. “I think so,” you say as your eyes move down the list. “Yes, I think I remembered it all.”

“We’ll see later,” Seonghwa smiles. “It’s not a problem if you didn’t, though. You tried your best and you’re new to this.”

The others hum in agreement and you smile nervously.

“You even wrote it all out, didn’t you?” Jongho says, gesturing to the list in your hands. “Good girl.”

“Thank you,” you whisper.

“Would you like me to explain the plan for this week?” Hongjoong asks gently.

You nod, staring down at your hands as they fiddle in your lap. A larger hand comes to rest atop them, holding them still and you look up to meet Yeosang’s firm gaze on you. “Look at him and answer him properly, sweetheart,” he says, gentle but stern.

You nod, feeling stupid and look up at to see Hongjoong staring expectantly at you. “Yes please,” you say and he smiles, easing up.

“Good girl,” he praises. You blush, bowing your head in embarrassment and Yeosang clicks his tongue, wordlessly chastising you. You mumble an apology and meet Hongjoong’s gaze, who praises you again. “Think of it as a trial run, yeah? We want you, we know that, but we need to see how it will work. What kind of arrangement will suit you best.”

You nod in understanding. Yeosang releases your hands from his grip but you grab his arm as he starts to move it away, needing someone to hold onto while you digest it all. He smiles and takes your hand back in his, squeezing it gently. “Good girl,” he mumbles.

“Are you with us so far?” Seonghwa asks.

“Yes,” you say.

“Good,” he smiles. “So for this week, we’ll all be getting to know each other and getting used to our new dynamic. We’ll start figuring out the kind of submissive you are and the kind of training you’ll need. That make sense to you?”

You nod a little dazily, starting to feel overwhelmed. None of these words are new to you, of course, even in this context, but they’ve never been so real to you before. To be spoken about like a pet, a submissive in need of training, is a lot to take in. It’s also strangely, embarrassingly thrilling. “It makes sense,” you confirm. Your voice catches in your throat at first but if they notice, they don’t care. Maybe they enjoy it.

“What, um…” you trail off, feeling awkward, but a nudge from Yeosang encourages you. “What happens at the end of the week?”

The men share a look that you can’t quite decipher. “Well,” Hongjoong says, “it’ll be up to you. If you’re happy with how things are going and want to commit, you can stay with us. You’ll keep your own place, of course, but we’ll move the things that you’ll need to our place and start making it your main residence.”

“But if you want to take it slower,” Jongho continues, “which is always an option, I might add, we’ll take you home and continue getting to know you more casually, just like how you would in a normal relationship.”

“And of course, ending our arrangement entirely is an option too,” Yeosang adds. “At any time.”

The others voice their agreement and you smile gratefully. “Thank you,” you say. “I’ll remember that.”

The oldest two smile, sharing a look before Seonghwa speaks. “If you’re ready,” he says, “there are four people at home waiting very patiently for your arrival.”

—————

Their home is large, in a nice, quiet area of the city where little could disturb — or be disturbed by — you. Your bags are carried by Jongho as Seonghwa leads you by the hand to the front door. Before he can even get the keys out of his pocket, the door swings open, revealing an excited looking San standing eagerly in the doorway. “Hi, baby,” he beams at you.

“Were you watching from the window?” Seonghwa asks. San nods unashamedly and the elder mumbles something that he ignores.

“Come in, baby,” San says. “We’re waiting inside. Can I take her in, Seonghwa?”

“It’s up to her,” Seonghwa says, smiling down at you. “She can make her own decisions. For now.”

For now. His words dizzy you slightly and you can practically see the evil plans forming behind San’s eyes. He offers his hand and you take it, turning to Seonghwa. “Are you coming too?” You ask.

He smiles fondly, shaking his head. “We’re gonna get everything set up in your room for you first, honey. San’ll take care of you.”

You nod with slight uncertainty but allow San to lead you through to the living room. The set up is… interesting, you think. A massive TV, typical for a house of men, surrounded by black leather couches and chairs arranged almost in a circle. The coffee table’s been moved from its spot in the middle, leaving it, or so you have a funny feeling, open for you to be displayed to them. Just the sight of the arrangement has you feeling like prey, but what’s more intimidating is the man on the couch who looks up with interest when you walk in. He smiles kindly as he stands to greet you, but you see the look in his eyes. Without them saying anything to you, it’s clear what your place is just from the way these men look at you. You’re their toy, and they’re your owners.

“There she is,” the man — Wooyoung, you remember — breathes. “Hi, doll.”

You wave shyly at him and he smiles. “Cute,” he says.

“You remember all our names, right?” San asks and you nod. “Good girl.”

“Bring her over here, Sannie,” Wooyoung says. San nods and guides you over to sit on the couch, sandwiched between him and Wooyoung.

“Can I touch you?” Wooyoung asks. You nod and he smiles, pressing a hand to your cheek. Without realising and almost instinctively, you nuzzle into his touch and he coos, stroking your cheek gently. “You’re such a puppy, aren’t you?” He hums. If you’d been confident enough to meet his gaze, you’d have seen the dark, predatory look in his eyes.

“Wooyoung,” you whine, embarrassed. He coos again and you blush deeper, hiding your face from view.

“She’s going under already,” San chuckles. “Such a natural, aren’t you baby?”

“Already toying with her, are we?” Someone interjects. You look up to see Yunho in the doorway, staring amusedly at the scene in front of him. “I thought we agreed to wait.”

“I can’t help it, Yunho,” Wooyoung replies. “She’s so pliant.”

Yunho cocks an eyebrow, taking a few steps towards you. “Is she?”

“Just so easy,” San affirms, running a hand through your hair. “Such a darling puppy.”

You moan softly at the sensations of the men on each side of you running their hands over your body. Yunho chuckles, shaking his head. “I’m sure,” he smiles. “Do you think she’s ready?”

San and Wooyoung share a look and you stare at them quizzically. “Ready for what?” You ask quietly.

Wooyoung smiles down at you fondly. “Don’t worry, baby,” he says. He looks up at Yunho. “I think she is. Where’s Hongjoong?”

“Here,” comes a familiar voice. Hongjoong emerges from behind Yunho, his eyes finding you the moment he walks into the room. “Hey, bunny.”

You like that name. “Hi,” you squeak.

He smiles like you’re the cutest thing he’s ever seen before turning his gaze to Wooyoung. “What did you want me for?”

“I didn’t,” Wooyoung says snappily. Hongjoong rolls his eyes. “We were wondering if you think she’s ready yet.”

His older’s eyes widen slightly but he seems to consider it for a second. “If Seonghwa agrees,” he decides. “Then so do I. I thought we’d wait a few more hours, but…”

“Yeah, not happening,” Yunho says. “It’ll be a tall order keeping these two off of her until then.”

The men beside you glare at him but don’t refute his words. You still don’t know exactly what it is you’re meant to be… ready for, but it sounds important. You wonder what it is that Hongjoong won’t agree to without the elder’s assent.

“Do you know where Seonghwa is?” San asks. “And the others?”

“In her room, I think,” Hongjoong says. “Just finishing up. Should we call them down?”

The three share a look, silently deciding before they nod, small smiles on their faces as they give Hongjoong their agreement. He nods, and you can see he’s smiling too, but in a different way than he’d been smiling at you earlier. There’s something behind it, a desire maybe, or an intention, that you can’t decipher. You’re not entirely sure if you want to. But you’ve willingly put yourself into his hands, all of their hands, and you’re desperate to see what they do with it.

When he calls the others down they come separately, but soon enough all eight of them have gathered in the living room with you. Even as they talk to each other about things you don’t understand, their eyes are set on you. You feel tiny and describable but also oddly safe. They stare at you like a toy, sure, but a fragile one. One they want to cherish and protect as much as play with. You already feel comfortable and warm surrounded by them in a way you didn’t know you could.

After a short and indecipherable discussion with Hongjoong, Seonghwa briefly moves his gaze from you to give him one final look. When his eyes return to you they’re even darker than before. Deep down you know that something, or someone, has just flipped the switch.

“She’s ready,” he says. “Let’s start.”

You hear your breath hitch, feeling your heart begin to race and Wooyoung hushes you, stroking your head. “Don’t worry,” he says. “It’s nothing to be scared of.”

“It’s really not,” San assures. He turns his gaze to Seonghwa who keeps it briefly before he shrugs, a small smile on his face. “We’re just gonna play with you. But the first time is always special.”

You nod, a little less nervous but still, your first time playing with them, being their submissive, is no small thing. It’s a moment you’ve been playing in your head for weeks, months — what it would be like, what they’d be like, what they’d expect, how they’d do. In the days leading up to this meeting you’d been kept up with nightmares of failing them, of falling short and being kicked to the curb despite how often they’d reassured you that they’d never, ever do that. And now that moment’s here. Time to prove yourself — or not.

San and Wooyoung stand up, pulling you to your feet by each of your arms. They each press a kiss to each of your cheeks before walking away to join the crowd, leaving you alone and watched, completely surrounded by them. Truly a prey among predators. They regard you silently for a few minutes, eyes running up and down each inch of your body before Hongjoong speaks.

“We’re going to give you a little test, pet,” he says. “It’s not to see if we want you, because you’re already ours, but to see how much training you’ll need.”

You nod in understanding and he clicks his tongue, already displeased. “The first lesson is verbal answers,” he says. “Unless we tell you not to speak, you respond to everything we tell you in words. Yes sir or no sir will do. Do you understand?”

You nod again, but realise your mistake quickly and squeak out a weak “yes sir.” Hongjoong smiles approvingly.

“Strip down to your panties,” he says. “Put them on the chair then come back to stand over here. Do it now.”

You breathe out another “yes sir” and do as he commands. You turn away from the men as you undress, too embarrassed to face them but you can still feel their eyes burning into you. Your hands shake as you unbutton your shirt, folding it neatly before placing it on the chair as instructed. Your bra quickly joins it, then the skirt and tights until all that’s left are your tiny white panties, clinging to your hips as you turn around nervously.

You feel exposed, clad only in one flimsy garment and surrounded by eight fully-clothed men. Their gazes are dark and intense on you and you’ve never felt more vulnerable. But they look pleased, which eases your nerves slightly.

“Very good,” Hongjoong says approvingly, gaze fixed on your chest. You blush, hands instinctively reaching to cover your chest but you think better of it before it’s covered. Just in the nick of time, you think, if the scowl on Yeosang’s face is anything to go by.

“Smart girl,” Seonghwa chuckles. “Are you ready to start?”

“Yes, sir,” you say. He smiles gently and beckons you towards him. As you approach him, the others move to form a circle around you. You gulp, somehow feeling even smaller than before. You’re truly trapped now.

“Right then,” Seonghwa says, clapping his hands together. You flinch at the sudden sound and you hear a few of them chuckle. With your eyes cast down, you miss the glint that crosses each of their eyes at your obvious fear. “We’ll start by seeing which commands you already know. We’ll teach you the ones you don’t.”

“Yes, sir,” you say.

“Look at me,” he says. You look up, meeting his gaze nervously and he smiles.

“Down,” he says.

It takes you a moment to register the command, and by the time you do it’s clearly too late. Seonghwa sighs, looking disappointed. He nods to a man behind you and before you can register it, five hard slaps are delivered to your ass. You yelp and try to lean away but the man snakes an arm around your waist, pulling you backwards into him.

“Disobeying already,” he breathes and you recognise the voice as Wooyoung. You whine and he slaps you again, this time reaching around to hit the front of your thigh.

“Don’t complain,” he grumbles.You breathe out an apology and he hums, rubbing the pink mark on your thigh with momentary tenderness. “And no more talking. You’re a puppy now”

You nod, and your first instinct is to apologise but you think better of it, literally biting your tongue to keep your words in your mouth. Wooyoung notices, chucking lowly before he steps back from you.

Jongho steps forwards, commanding your attention as he approaches you. He gets close enough to kiss you, close enough for you see the small details of his face, but that face is emotionless. Focused.

“This is your second lesson,” he says. His voice is even lower now, with a new quality you don’t recognise. But you know exactly what it is — dominance. Control “When we say ‘down’,” he says, “you get on your knees. Instantly and without question. If you don’t, you’ll be punished. So let’s try that again. Down.”

Desperate to obey, you let your legs give out, falling to your knees with hopeful eyes on him.He smiles, pressing a hand to your cheek and letting you nuzzle into it. “Good dog,” he says. “Up now.”

You spring to your feet without thinking, basking in the pleased looks on their faces. “Clever girl,” San praises. You smile shyly at him and he smiles back. For the first time since you’ve met him, it doesn’t reach his eyes.

Then Jongho steps away, leaving you alone and surrounded again. You do your best to stay still, figuring that’s your best bet to avoid Wooyoung’s heavy hand for now.

They let you stand there, exposed and vulnerable, for a few minutes before moving on.

“Come,” Yeosang says. You start to walk towards him but he stops you with a raised hand. “Crawl.”

You gulp, shakily lowering yourself to your knees and crawling towards him. It’s only a few feet, but the thick silence and the feeling of their stares on you makes it feel like miles. It barely registers with you exactly what’s happening right now; you’re naked except your skimpy panties, surrounded by eight fully clothed men, crawling towards one of them at his command. You can’t think of anything more humiliating. Or arousing.

When you reach Yeosang he reaches to stroke your hair. “Sit,” he orders. You sit back up onto your knees and he smiles. “She’s learning fast,” he says.

The others hum in agreement. “She’s clever,” Mingi says, sounding proud.

“She is,” Yeosang agrees. “ Alright, pet. The next commands are easy. Eyes up.”

This time they give you a second to figure it out and you do, meeting Yeosang’s gaze with hopeful eyes. He nods. “Eyes down.” This one is much easier to figure out — you drop your eyes to your lap, contrite and humble. “Good girl,” he says. “Isn’t she good?”

“The best,” Yunho purrs. You don’t notice him creeping up behind you until you feel his big hands wrap gently around your throat. After a few more commands, properly obeyed depute your shaky start, he speaks again. “Shouldn’t we reward her now, Joong? She’s done well.”

A few others chime in their agreement and Hongjoong hums. “You’re right,” he agrees. “Come here, baby.”

You crawl to him, slightly faster as you begin to get to the feeling of it, and Hongjoong crouched down to your level, holding his arms out for you to crawl into. He lets you snuggle into his chest for a moment before pulling away, moving his hands to gently hold your face.

“Tell me,” he whispers. “How do you want to be rewarded?”

The answer slips out before you can consider it. “Fuck me,” you say. At his raised eyebrow, you tack on a whispered, “please, sir.”

Hongjoong smiles, running his thumb over your lips. When they part slightly he slips it into your mouth, letting you suckle at it. He looks enamoured by the sight. “No, honey,” he smiles. “You’re not ready for that yet.”

“I am,” you insist, nodding fervently.

Silence briefly abounds before Hongjoong slaps you across the face, quick and wordless, like this is a normal way for him to express his displeasure — which, when it comes to you, it probably will be. “Don’t disagree with us,” he snaps. “What you think doesn’t matter anymore. You’re not ready.”

You bow your head. “I’m sorry, sir. I’m not ready.”

Hongjoong nods. “Turn around and show me your ass.”

You obey, turning slowly on your fours until your ass faces him, leaving you facing the rest of the men. They stare at you with fascination and scrutiny. Hongjoong runs a hand down your ass cheek with feather-light touches. You feel electricity prickle up your spine, fearful. You’ve displeased him and spoken out of turn and you worry about the consequences. His hands aren’t the largest in the group but he mentioned he works out and he’s still much larger and stronger than you, so you don’t doubt that he could cause you a lot of pain if he wanted to. A few cracks of his hand against your ass would no doubt leave it stinging and you shiver at the thought.

But the harsh, punishing strikes you’re expecting don’t come. Instead he runs a long finger down the centre of your ass until it lightly grazes across your pussy. You squirm at the feeling. The others smile at the sight as their leader pushes your panties to the side to press a finger into your heat. “How does she feel, Joong?” Seonghwa asks.

“She’s perfect,” comes Hongjoong’s voice from behind you. It’s slightly strained and raspier than before. He’s clearly just as affected and you feel proud. “Tight and warm like we thought she’d be.”

You make a noise of surprise and he shushes you. You knew they’d have talked about you in your absence, but you hadn’t considered that they’d have talked about…this specifically. And the way they talk about you like a thing, like you’re not even there, is objectifying in the best way. Everything about this is hotter than you could have imagined. Even the slightest touches set your skin alight and they know it.

Hongjoong curls his finger slightly and you jolt forward a bit but he quickly pulls you back, wrapping an arm around your neck to put you in a near headlock. “Easy, baby,” he whispers. “Easy.”

You look up to see the others have inched towards you, surrounding you completely. They each look thrilled in a different way, and you’re desperate for their touch — any of them. All of them.

“Please,” you gasp. You can barely speak through Hongjoong’s grip on your neck but they hear you.

Seonghwa comes to kneel in front of you, cradling your face in his palms. “Oh baby, baby,” he whispers melodiously. “So pretty like this.”

Mingi and San join Hongjoong behind you, running their hands over your ass and their fingers through your wet folds as Hongjoong adds a second finger to your hole. With the two fingers inside you he spreads you open, allowing the other two a perfect view of your stretched out pussy. “Fuck,” they both breathe. “The prettiest little pussy I’ve ever seen,” Mingi says and San agrees.

Jongho and Wooyoung and Yunho and Yeosang take their places on either side of you. Wooyoung reaches to play with your tits, grabbing and squeezing them and slapping them where they hang below you. His hits are hard like the ones he’d delivered to your ass earlier, and soon your pretty tits are decorated with red marks. The other three seem content to watch and palm themselves as Hongjoong works you open and Wooyoung abuses your sensitive tits, while Seonghwa pushes finger after finger into your mouth, lazily fucking your throat with his long digits. You gag and choke when he pushes them deeper but you do your best to suck them. Seonghwa tuts when you choke particularly violently but he seems pleased with your efforts. “You’ll make such a perfect cock sucker,” he muses. “You’re such a natural already.”

You whine around his fingers, stuffed into your throat and covered in your drool. He presses a kiss to your forehead before he pushes them in deeper. You choke but keep them in your throat and you hear Yunho whistle. “She’s dedicated,” he says admiringly.

“She was born for this.” Seonghwa speaks through gritted teeth and you look down to see his hard cock straining against his pants. You’re not sure what you were expecting exactly, but you’re surprised by its thickness. You’re not quite certain how it will fit inside you.

Returning your gaze to his, you’re met with total, almost feral darkness in his eyes. “Don’t tempt me,” he grunts. “I’ll ruin you.”

He pulls his fingers from your mouth, slapping you across the cheek a couple of times until your face is red and covered in your saliva. Hongjoong’s keeping a steady pace as his fingers pump into your pussy, but there’s so many sensations, so many strong hands on you, that you can’t quite process it all. Your awareness of each man goes up and down with each movement they make and you’re completely overwhelmed.

Painfully quickly, Hongjoong pulls his fingers out of you, leaving you empty for one merciful moment until the men next to him take their turn. Mingi presses a finger to the edge of your asshole, not penetrating it, just gently and softly teasing the rim, but the feeling is enough to make you buck against him. His other hand grabs your waist, holding in place. “Have you never played with this hole before, baby?” He asks.

You whine, shaking your head and he laughs. “You’ll be used to it soon enough,” he says. “It’s Jongho’s favourite hole, isn’t it?”

Jongho laughs and though you know he’s right next to you, he sounds distant and out of reach. You gasp at the feeling of another, thicker finger on your asshole. Unlike Mingi, Jongho doesn’t hesitate, pushing his finger into you. It’s a completely foreign feeling, much different to the feeling of your pussy being penetrated, but in some weird way it almost feels… better. Maybe it’s the resistance your tight hole puts up against him, stretching around him then sucking him in; or maybe it’s the degrading, humiliating feeling of knowing every one of your holes is being used and explored by these men. Either way, you’ve never felt like this before and you don’t want it to stop.

While the two men play with your asshole, San dives into your pussy, latching his mouth onto it and exploring it with his tongue. You’re fairly certain Hongjoong’s fingers have already made you cream but if San notices, it clearly only spurs him on as he eats you relentlessly, pushing you quickly towards the edge.

“Fuck, San!” You scream and he growls, landing a hard slap against your already red cheeks.

“That’s not my name,” he snarls. His voice is muffled by your pussy like he couldn’t bear to pull himself away from it even for a second. You must taste good, you think with pride, but another harsh slap reminds you to respond.

“I’m sorry, sir,” you say.

You feel San smile against your pussy, large hand soothingly rubbing the red mark where he’d slapped you.

While you were distracted by the three men playing with your holes, the other five have stood up, retreating to the surrounding couches where they’ve somehow even served themselves wine without you noticing. You look up to see them watching you intently, small smiles on their face as they lounge around, taking in the sight in front of them. You must look pathetic, you think; face covered in your own sweat and drool, entire body littered with red handprints and three men stretching and playing with your holes. But you can see from the faces, and bulges of the men on the couches, that they love it as much as you do.

San pulls his mouth off of you, replacing it with his fingers before you can complain or even register the absence. He works you open a little more gently than Hongjoong, but the pumps of his fingers are strong and precise. On their side of him, the other two have started a game of how many fingers they can fit in your asshole. They do it carefully, wetting their fingers and inserting them slowly, with each finger they add you’re stretched a little more and it burns. Deliciously.

Your mouth hangs open, breaths strangled as you lose yourself in the feeling. You feel your eyes roll back as San speeds up, pumping three fingers in and out of you. Mingi and Jongho pull theirs out, rubbing your loosened asshole almost soothingly as San keeps going, faster, harder, deeper, until all it takes is for him to press this thumb firmly against your clit for you to let go, coming all over his fingers.

As soon as you’re done you collapse, letting your body fall to the floor in exhaustion. Mingi and Jongho pull their fingers out of you with moaned praises, gently stroking your back. With his fingers still inside you San lifts you up, pulling you back to lie against his chest. His fingers don’t move inside you, just sitting there like a comforting presence as he adjusts you to a comfortable position. He pulls them out slowly, hushing you when you whine softly at the loss, and settles you so your head is resting on his chest, just under his neck and chin so he can easily lean down to whisper to you. “Didn’t know you were such a squirter, baby,” he mumbles.

Too fucked out to respond, you just groan and he chuckles. “I’ve got you, honey,” he says. He starts to sway, rocking you back and forth soothingly. You hear him say something to someone else, you think Jongho, who laughs and hands him something. You look up to see San wiping his hand, wet with you slick, onto a towel. He sees you watching and smiles down at you, pressing a kiss to your head before reaching down to move your panties, still bunched to the side to expose your dripping hole, back into place.

You hear other voices around you as your eyelids start to droop. With San’s hand rubbing comfortingly up and down your back, you let yourself fall asleep, snoring softly against his chest. He watched you with a fond smile. “She’s asleep,” he announces to the others.

“Good,” Yeosang says, “she deserves it. She did well.”

Hongjoong hums. “Better than I thought. I’m so glad we found her.”

“I’m gonna take her upstairs,” San says. The others agree and he slowly stands, holding you carefully in his arms as he carries up to your new bedroom. They watch as he leaves before turning to face each other. It’s silent for a few long seconds before Wooyoung speaks.

“This is going to be so much fun.”

—————

hi! thank you for reading my first full-group fic! if people enjoy it i plan to make it into a series, but i deliberately wrote it so it can be left as a standalone as well. so please comment and let me know what you’d like! i really appreciate seeing everyone’s feedback or thoughts on my writing, and it encourages me to write more too. so please let me know. if you want this to continue, i’m also happy to accept requests for it as well as my regular requests. just specify☺️! thank you for reading as always! please reblog & comment, i can’t wait to see everyone’s thoughts on this! my seonghwa fic will be coming soon as well. please forgive any errors, i have proofread but things may have slipped through. love🖤🖤🖤

#ateez smut #ateez hard hours #ateez x reader #hongjoong smut #seonghwa smut #yeosang smut #yunho smut #jeong yunho smut #jongho smut #san smut #choi san smut #mingi smut #wooyoung smut #poly ateez x reader #dom ateez #mulloey writes

316 notes · View notes

escapingrealtiylovinginsanity · 4 months ago

Text

Will & Monique Chapter 3

You can read the rest of the series here

Here’s the next chapter guys. Let’s warm things up a little bit. I am still searching for a title if anyone has any suggestions.

Monique was cursing herself for the millionth time of the night. What had she been thinking trying to date again- and online dating at that? The man was decently attractive but had a superiority complex that surpassed most of the surgeons and doctors she worked with. What was worse he springs boarded that complex by talking down to her.

She knows she should get up on leave. Instead, she sits quietly fiddling with her anxiety ring. Monique was sober so there was nothing to combat the roughness of his remarks. She wasn’t much of a drinker but she really didn’t like to partake with people she didn’t know well. She wanted to have complete control of herself.

She promises herself she will never put herself in this position ever again. Honestly, it was Dr. Charles's fault. He was the one who had been pushing her to go out more, meet more people, find more friends, and date. Or maybe it was her fault she had complained to him about being lonely in her last few sessions.

“Monique there you are.” The blonde turned abruptly jumping in her chair as a warm hand made contact with her shoulder. Her vision was filled with a familiar head of fiery red hair. His face was unreadable as he glanced over at her date. “Did you not get the message? We all got called to the ED. All hands on deck.” Monique brows furrow as she stands. She had turned the ringer off her phone and hadn’t felt it vibrate in her pocket.

Will picks her jacket up from the back of the chair and helps her into it. “Sorry, man. Emergency, you understand.” Will’s words sound polite but his tone is sharper than she is used to hearing- dismissive. His hand finds her lower back leading her out of the bar as she calls out a rushed goodbye to the man.

When they break free of the door, she looks back to Will. “What happened- is it mass casualties-?” Monique starts fishing through her purse grappling for her phone. His hand comes to her forearm stilling her movements and regaining her attention.

“The only emergency tonight was that date. You looked like you needed saving.” Will’s brown eyes were sparkling with mirth. “Was I wrong?”

She shook her head giving him a grateful smile. “No, thank you, Will.” Monique pauses unsure what to do next. Probably was time to call a cab and go home. Monique bit her pink lower lip as her hand unconsciously started to fidget with her ring.

“Anytime,” He applied soft pressure to her back and she followed him down the steps and around back to his car. Monique didn’t object when he opened the passenger door for her. “Do you want me to drop you off at your apartment or are you still up for a drink?”

Monique felt more comfortable at the small table in the back of Molly’s. She had never been to the hospital staff's go-to bar but it reminded her of the bars she used to go back home. Hole in the walls with character and a comfortable atmosphere. Relaxed. She sits down but Will stays standing. “What’s your poison?”

“Um, can I,” Monique hesitates weighing her options. Will is patient throwing his jacket over the back of the chair in front of him. She presses her lips together before biting the bullet. “Can I just get a Shirley Temple?” She had a lot of men give her hell for drinking mocktails but it took a certain level of trust to be able to drink around people- hers was just lower than most.

“Sure thing,” Will agreed easily before heading to the bar. She let out a breath, that had been a lot easier than she expected. The music was old-school rock and it was a pleasant white noise that left her feeling calm. She felt herself relax in her chair.

A pretty red drink was set in front of her two cherries resting on top. “Thank you,” Will gave her an easy smile as he took a sip of his beer and sat across from her. He took a moment to really look at Monique Lawson. It was the first time he had ever seen her out of scrubs. The dark jeans and simple green top clung to her curves that were usually hidden by her baggy uniform. Her blonde hair was curled and slightly wild around her face from being blown about in the wind. Her green eyes popped behind her dark lashes and her lips were painted a soft inviting pink. He watched those lips wrap around the straw of her drink taking a generous drink, her eyes lighting up when the flavor hit her tongue.

“So, I have to ask where did you meet that charmer?” Monique winced and Will’s eyes caught her playing with her ring. He noticed it was something she did quite frequently. He was still trying to figure out if it was a nervous tick or just a habit.

“Online,” She shakes her head at herself, “But I think I learned my lesson. I won’t be doing that again.” Her tone surprised Will. It wasn’t frustrated, exasperated, or even sarcastic. It was even, accepting even. A lot of people said they wouldn’t touch online dating again but he had a feeling Monique was genuine in her comment. Her words were always genuine- she wasn’t the type to say something just for a reaction.

The two of them fell into a comfortable rhythm. Will spent his time trying to find out more about the blonde while she seemed to expertly dodge the depth of the questions by giving just enough information without giving away anything too personal.

“Where did you move here from?” Will asked popping a peanut from the basket on the table open. She stirred her drink with her fluorescent straw. It was mostly just ice cubes now. She was more relaxed now smiling at him. She had dimples when she smiled that widely.

“Michigan,” She offered simply.

“Do you do that on purpose?” Monique tilted her head at the question. Will popped open another peanut dropping the shell onto a napkin before offering the nut to her on his palm. She considered it for a moment before plucking the peanuts from his hand.

“Do what?” She pops the peanuts into her mouth. The salt went well with the sweetness still left on her tongue from her drink. She hummed in satisfaction. She hadn’t eaten on her date. Was it too much to ask for a date to just go get ice cream or a milkshake and fries? Dating had to be so much easier in the 50s.

“Answer questions about yourself in one word?” Will looked at her over the rim of his second bottle of beer.

“No,” He raised his eyebrows and she shook her head with a small laugh. “I never realized I did it.” She offered. He tilted his head forward and she took it as a cue to expand. “Northern Michigan- born and raised. I lived in a small town about twenty away from the closest Walmart. I think we had four stoplights in the entire town. ”

“Small town girl,” He took another swing of his beer. “What made you move to a city like Chicago then?”

“Med offered to pay back my student loans if I worked there for ten years.” Will chuckled then waited for her real reason. When her bright green eyes held his gaze evenly, he realized she was serious. “You were born here, right?”

“Yeah Canaryville, South Side third generation,” Monique noted the pride in his voice. She tilted her head unfamiliar with the neighborhood. “It’s a blue-collar neighborhood. Lower middle class and very tight-knit. They aren’t big on outsiders there. Grew up Irish Catholic like most of the residents there, even attended a Catholic school.” Monique’s green eyes went to his hand wrapped around the bottle. The dark black ink of a cross tattoo stands out against the pale skin on his middle finger.

“Will!” They were interrupted by two firefighters Monique recognized but didn’t know the names of. She watched feeling slightly awkward as the three men chatted. It didn’t take Will long to introduce her but she felt missed placed within his group of friends. She smiled and chatted with them for a few minutes before looking down at her phone screen and noting in surprise that it was almost midnight.

“I didn’t realize how late it had gotten,” She smiled at the two men that Will had introduced as Joe and Otis. “It was nice to me you guys. But I think I should probably head home.” She had barely stood up when Will was on his feet and helping her back into her jacket.

“I’ll drive you home.” His warm hands linger on her shoulders. Monique reaches back to untuck her hair from her jacket.

“You don’t have to do that. I can get a cab. I’m sure you want to stay and-” She gestured to the two firefighters she was sure he would like to hang out with.

“Monique,” His tone was firm, “I brought you here. I’m not making you take a cab home.” Her objections died on her lips. She knew that she wouldn’t win. And if she was being honest with herself, she liked Will's company. She wouldn’t mind spending more time with him.

#chicago med #will halstead #Monique Lawson #will halstead x monique lawson

17 notes · View notes

callsignspark · 1 year ago

Text

Mar[r]y Me - part 8.5.2

pairing: Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw x Mariella “M&M” Vertucci (fem!OC)

summary: A love story told through friendship, laughter, and food.

series warnings: 18+ minors DNI, discussion of insecurities, difficult family relationships, discussions of food and alcohol use, discussions of body image, conversations on what it’s like to be a fat woman trying to date in today’s society, extreme fluff, like soooo much flirting, warnings to be added as needed

word count: 3.6k

previous part | series masterlist | main masterlist

note: happy Friday! I hope everyone had lovely holidays and 2024 is going well for you so far! I did have some issues tagging people so apologizes if you didn't notified! I really loved writing this chapter, especially since it's going to help set the stage for the rest of the story! (only 4 more parts to go! isn't that crazy??) please be safe if you have snow coming towards you this weekend, and enjoy these two pining and yearning for each other more than ever.

part 8.5.2 - rambling and rings

Friday, April 16, 2021

Mary waves at the obnoxiously large SUV as Slider honks and drives away. Leaning against the entryway table, she slips her heels off and wiggles her painted toes at the feeling of the soft runner beneath her feet. Shuffling over to the entertainment console, she hums as she connects her phone, choosing the song that was on in the car.

The dreamy guitar intro floats through the air, making her smile. And the last beams of golden sunshine disappear as she dances through the living room, enjoying the peaceful feeling that’s settled in her chest and closing the blinds in between twirls.

Good things are happening at work, rumbles that there’s a promotion coming on the horizon. The monthly call back home to her parents hadn’t ended in tears for the first time in months. Most of her evenings are spent in the company of at least one Dagger family member, helping Kris and Dani with their kids or enjoying the adult-only life with Aaron and Flora. Bradley is messaging her as often as he can, every email making her heart flutter, increasing her joy with every sentence he types.

Everything is coming together in ways she had never even dared to dream about.

An early dinner with Ron, Mav, and Penny was the cherry on top of a great week. The four of them laughing and telling stories the entire time, taking advantage of the warm spring weather at the patio table Pete had reserved for Slider’s birthday. As stories and photos were traded across the table, Mary felt like her heart could burst learning about baby Bradley. The only quiet moment of the evening was when their waiter brought an unordered round of drinks to the table, prompting the men to venture inside and thank the old Navy buddy that had spotted them through the window.

“Thank you, Matt; it was getting just a tiny bit too windy for us.”

“No problem, ma’am.” The young man smiles over his shoulder as he finishes turning the outdoor heater on. “Can I get you ladies anything else?”

“I think we’re good for now, thank you,” Penny answers, glancing at Mary, softening at the sight of the younger woman lost in thought as she stares out at the ocean with a content smile.

She watches as brown eyes drift from the water to the table, gentle fingers tracing over a copy of a photo that’s older than the girl studying it. Penny stays quiet, letting the sound of waves crashing on the sand accompany the slight furrow that creases Mary’s brow as she brings the photo closer to her face.

“He looks just like his dad, doesn’t he?”

“He does; he acts a lot like him, too, more than he realizes.”

“You knew him?” It’s not a surprised reaction, just curious.

Penny hums, “We weren’t close, but I knew him enough to see how much Bradley has turned out like him. He’s a good blend of both his parents.”

“Did you know Carole very well?”

“More than Nick, by default, but for the most part, we were at different stages in life. She was older than me by a few years. I was in college and she was a widow raising a toddler. But, as you know, the aviator community is pretty small, so we were friendly. I would even babysit Bradley sometimes when the guys were deployed.”

“He was a cute baby,” Mary says softly, eyes back on the last photo taken of the whole Bradshaw family.

“He was… turned out to be a handsome man, didn’t he?” Penny asks, taking advantage of the moment.

She smirks as the younger woman looks up at her through her lashes, a shy smile stretching her pink cheeks. “He did.”

“Can I ask you something while they’re still inside?”

“We’re not together. But we are going on a date the week after he gets back.” Now it’s Mary’s turn to smirk at how Penny’s eyebrows rocket up to her hairline. “That is what you were going to ask me, right?”

“It’s close enough. Are you excited?”

“I am. I really like him.”

It’s the first time she admitted it out loud to anyone other than her best friend. She revels in the encouraging energy and words Penny gives back, both of them still giggling like school girls when Pete and Ron return.

“What are you two laughing about?” Slider asks as he slips Mary’s wrap over her shoulders.

“Oh, nothing.” When Penny winks, she has the overwhelming urge to cry. The knowing look accompanying those two words is more affectionate and maternal than anything her mother has done in years.

Their hug goodbye lasts a few seconds longer than expected, and the gentle hands that smooth some stray hairs back make her throat tighten. Slider is quiet on the ride home; familiar with the many moods of Mary, he lets her work through her thoughts with the radio on low.

“Y’okay, kid?” He doesn’t speak until he pulls into her neighborhood, giving himself a five-block buffer to determine if a pit stop to the closest ice cream shop is required.

“Yeah. Just-” Mary pauses, trying to figure out how to best explain. “Just still getting used to it.”

“To what?”

“To how easy it is to just be me out here. Surrounded by people who have just folded me into their lives with zero hesitation, like I’ve always been here.”

“Mary, were you happy in Florida?”

“I was content. Getting to know you helped with that a lot, but let’s face it; if I was happy, I wouldn’t have been so excited to leave.”

“And you’re happy now?”

“I am. I can’t remember the last time I was this happy.”

It's a cheesy line, but true. She knew that when she said it, accepting the light teasing that followed with a smile. One that hadn’t left her face as she said goodbye to her mentor, one that grows as the song starts again. She can’t help how big her grin gets. This song always reminds her of Bradley.

“I'm in love, I'm alive. I belong to the stars and sky.”

Letting the song stay on repeat, Mary stops in the kitchen for some water on her way to the bedroom. It’s still early - not even eight yet - but a full night’s sleep is calling her name, eyelids feeling heavy.

She slips her clothes off, folding the jeans for tomorrow and tossing her shirt in the laundry. A small groan of relief accompanies the unclasping of her bra before she slings it into the hamper. Turning the bedroom speakers down slightly as she enters the bathroom, a grimace instantly creases her face when she catches sight of herself in the mirror.

“Jesus…” Her disbelief echoes in the room as gentle fingers rub over the harsh red lines where her clothes dug into her skin. It’s evident where the waistband of her jeans sat all day. And the tender spots under her arms lets her know it’s time to look for better-fitting bras, again. Mary tugs the leg of her panties up, relieved to see at least one piece of clothing hasn’t left its mark.

She’s massaging the sore spots on her chest, letting her warm hands diminish the pain, when her phone rings. Her eyebrows furrow deeper at the unknown number flashing across the screen.

Usually, at this time of night, she’d ignore an unknown number and let the other person leave a voicemail, but something in her gut tells her to pick up before it’s too late.

“Hello?” There’s a muffled response, and she scrambles to disconnect her phone from the speakers. “Hello? Can you hear me?”

“Hello, ma’am. Can I speak to Mariella Vertucci?”

“May I ask who’s calling?”

“This is Lieutenant Corso in the communications bay on the USS Roosevelt. Can you confirm your identity with your full name, birthday, and the eight-digit code given to you by Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw?”

Mary’s heart stops for a second. This is it. Bradley is calling. She’s going to get to talk to him after forty-eight days. Hear his voice. See his face.

“Ma’am?”

“Sorry. Mariella Theresa Vertucci, born March 14, 1987. The code is 0125-2020.”

“Thank you, ma’am. One minute, please.” The soft clacking of a keyboard filters through the phone, the Lieutenant's tongue clicking as he types. “You’ve been verified. Does the phone you’re using have video chat capabilities.”

“It does, Lieutenant.”

“Excellent. Stay on the line, and in a few minutes, a video chat will come through with Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw. You have been allotted 30 minutes today. I am required to remind you that communication is not secure. This means, for security purposes, you cannot ask what time of day it is, what location, or how any missions have gone. Please confirm that you understand.”

“I understand.”

“Thank you. I am also required to let you know that this video chat is conducted in a private area and will not be monitored. However, the audio will be recorded, so any lewd acts are discouraged but not forbidden.”

Mary can’t help the snort that escapes. “But not forbidden?”

“Uh- the uh-” She smothers a chuckle at how the kid trips over his words. “The Navy understands that loved ones are apart for long periods of time and can’t forbid any uh- urges that couples may wish to act upon during their chats. But we are legally required to inform everyone of the recording.”

“Ah, I see. Thank you, Lieutenant.”

“No problem, ma’am. Please stay on the line, and your loved one will be joining shortly.” She giggles at how quickly the hold music starts, humming along to Anchors Aweigh as she clips her hair up, ready to take her makeup off. She’s about to wet a washcloth when the music cuts, and the video call comes through.

Taking a second to look herself over, Mary admires the tendrils that have escaped, perfectly framing her cheeks that are still flushed from the wine she had with dinner. The slightest bit still tipsy and a little frazzled about Bradley, she realizes just in time that she’s still only in her underwear, hitting the accept button and dropping the phone on the counter.

“One second! Just- oh, come on! Fuck!” She curses under her breath as she struggles to slip into her bathrobe. “Hang on, Bradley!”

Finally getting both arms in, she ties the robe, eyebrows raising in surprise at how it cinches her waist, before eagerly grabbing her phone.

“Hi, Mary.”

“Hi, Bradley.”

She greedily drinks him in. It’s been 48 days since she’s seen his handsome face or heard his warm voice - the longest since they met - and she’s missed him. Her heart clenches at how tired he looks, the bags under his eyes more pronounced than ever.

“Hi, honey.” The sweet name hits something deep inside, and she can’t help the tears that immediately form or the way her bottom lip wobbles. “Oh, shit, Mary. Please don’t cry, honey.”

The emotional reaction surprises even her; she was expecting to be a bit overwhelmed, but nothing like this. It makes her feel a little ridiculous, crying about a man she’s barely even kissed. But you love him, her brain chimes in, sending more heat to her face.

“This is your uncle’s fault!” She laughs, swiping tears away and propping her phone against the mirror.

“Mav?”

She can’t help but giggle at his disbelieving tone as she reaches for a tissue. “No, Slider. He’s in town this week, and he may or may not - but definitely did - get me tipsy at dinner, like he always does!”

She trills on about dinner, telling him about the childhood stories that were shared and the baby photos that now live on her phone, not noticing the look on his face until he interrupts.

“You getting in the shower, Mary?”

The husky tone immediately grabs all of her attention, a shiver running down her spine at the smoldering look on Bradley’s face. She follows his eyes down, surprised to see how much her robe has come undone. The valley between her breasts is completely visible, and the fabric is threatening to expose her belly button - and more - if it’s not fixed.

“Oops…” She mumbles to herself, tightening the robe so much it pushes her cleavage together.

Normally, this is where her insecurities would ruin the moment - flooding her brain with terrible things. Make her spend the rest of the call analyzing how she looks in the tiny corner box, agonizing how prominent her double chin is from this angle. But the soft fuck that crackles through the phone squashes the anxieties before they can take root, shifting her attention to admire the man looking back at her.

And god, he is a man.

Bradley Bradshaw has always been gorgeous: tall, strong, and deliciously tan. But mid-deployment Bradley Bradshaw is a vicious attack to the senses. And the hormones.

His broad shoulders have gotten broader, filling the little privacy cubicle in the communications room so much that he’s brushing both sides of the walls. His curls are more golden than usual, clear evidence of time spent flying in the Pacific tropics. His tan is deeper, too, glowing even in the harsh florescent lighting, the bridge of his nose slightly sunburnt. His neatly trimmed mustache moves with his lush pink lips, warmth building in her core as her thoughts drift to the memory of how they felt pressed against hers.

“Mary?” She hums, eyes focusing back into the present and away from her favorite post-deployment reunion fantasy. “Whatcha thinking about?”

“You.”

It's clear he wasn’t expecting that answer from the way he drags a hand over his mouth to muffle a cruse, his eyes scrunching shut.

She wasn’t expecting it either; the effects of the wine have mostly worn off, leaving her with flushed cheeks and apparently a slightly looser tongue. She can’t bring herself to be embarrassed about the overly honest answer. Communicating exclusively via email for the last month and a half has allowed Mary to gain confidence in Bradley’s feelings. It’s hard to wonder about his intentions when every email ends with him telling her how many days are left until he’s home.

“Your lips…” She continues, emboldened as the last remnants of wine soften the sharp edges of her insecurities and the pink working its way up his neck. She loves how easily Bradley blushes for her. Their few kisses have always ended with his cheeks a lovely, rosy shade. “How soft your hair is. Your mustache. How strong you are. How much I miss you…”

The words make them both pause. It’s not an uncommon phrase, every email containing some variation of the sentiment, but hearing the words out loud makes it real. Cementing the longing in their chests.

“I miss you, too.” The words are quiet, echoing against the tiled walls. She chuckles, throat thick with emotion, and Bradley can’t look away from her soft smile. His heart pounding at the emotion on her face, something he can’t quite place. He can’t stop staring as she picks the phone up and flicks the light off, “Where are we going?”

“Couch.”

He smiles as the familiar walls of her living room appear, grin going slack when she props him up on the side table, and the slit of her robe reveals a thigh that he’s dreamt about as she shuffles pillows. Bradley manages to pull his mind out of his post-deployment fantasy as she plops on her couch - that damn pink couch - and smiles at him over the arm, her eyes almost closing she grins so hard.

“I’m sorry I missed our call.”

“It’s okay, Bradley. I knew it was a possibility, and Mav let me know what was going on. I understand.”

“I want to hear about your birthday.”

“I told you about my birthday! We’ve discussed it extensively.”

“I still want to hear about it. I want to hear your voice.” He revels as she softly whines and smooshes her face into a pillow, thrilled to cause that reaction. “C’mon, please, Mary?”

“You’re not fighting fair.” The muffled complaint comes back, making him laugh, but she does as asked.

Bradley listens, humming along as she recounts her birthday for him and insisting for the hundredth time that it was his pleasure to give her presents. He lets her lead the conversation as it shifts to what’s happening in San Diego, content to watch her as she shares stories of what he’s missing at home. Happy to just admire her and occasionally ask questions.

It’s so easy to get lost looking at her. Dark hair swishing around her shoulders, just slightly shorter than it was in February. Her brown eyes look darker than usual, the low light in the room making them almost black instead of the warm brown he’s used to staring into. And despite resecuring the robe, it’s coming loose again, enough that the top curve of her breasts are visible; freckles dotted all over, disappearing beneath the baby blue fabric. Bradley thinks about what it would be like to connect the dots on her soft skin, tracing invisible lines with his fingers or lips. He imagines there’s more hiding behind the waffle material. He wonders if she’d let him find out.

The fantasy of how wonderful it would be to memorize every mark on her body is interrupted as red nail polish grabs his attention. He loves her hands, smaller than his but so strong when she’s working on a jet. Steady as she calls out instructions to her team, grease smeared up to her elbows and her nail color of the week shining through the black sludge. Mary insists that she doesn’t talk with her hands, that she managed to avoid that stereotypical Italian-American trait, but Bradley smirks as her hands swirl through the air. He’s about to interrupt the story she’s giggling through - something about the latest swear word that Danielle accidentally taught Annie - when something sparkly on her finger distracts him.

A ring.

A diamond ring.

A simple silver band lined with tiny diamonds.

On her ring finger.

On her left ring finger.

His eyebrows furrow as he tries to study the never-before-seen piece of jewelry. Mary must notice his confusion because she cuts her story off and flashes her hand at the camera. “I bought this for myself when I got promoted for the first time. I went from EI to EII, which is entry-level engineer to associate engineer. It was $50 from this little shop that was on the same block as my first solo apartment in St. Louis.”

Relief sweeps through his body, thrilled that Mary hadn’t gotten engaged with him.

“That’s awesome. Have you done that every time you’ve moved up?”

“Kinda? I always buy myself some sort of gift - last time, I splurged and got that big blender we used at the Christmas party. But I’ve only done jewelry a few times. I think I’m going to get a necklace next time, something to match this.” She explains, wiggling her fingers so the gems shimmer in the camera.

“It’s very pretty.” Bradley compliments, feeling bold enough to go further. “You look good with a ring on that finger.”

“Jesus, Brad-”

She’s cut off by the two-minute alert popping up. They had been so distracted they weren’t paying attention to the countdown timer.

“Already?” Mary pouts, forehead crinkling as she frowns. “But I didn’t get to ask you about carrier food.

“It’s bad, honey. Yours is so much better.”

“Or how you’re sleeping.”

“Reuben’s snoring has somehow gotten even louder since last time we shared a bunkroom; Bob, Mickey, and I owe you for the extra earplugs you sent.”

“You’re sunburnt.”

“I’m wearing the sunscreen you gave me; the sun is just strong.”

“I knew I should have sent the SPF 75!” Bradley smiles as Mary throws her head back in faux despair. “Oh well, now I know for next time, I guess.”

“Next time?”

“Yeah. You didn’t think I’d only send you a care package one time, did you? I gotta make sure you have everything you need. I know I missed some stuff this time, but I’ll get better in the future! I promise.”

I love you.

He just barely holds the words in.

“God, I fucking miss you.” He stares at the screen, watching the prettiest brown eyes in the world fill with tears at his words. “Oh, honey, please don’t cry. I’ll be home so soon.”

“But twenty-four days is such a long time, and I miss you so much.”

“I know, but we’ve already done 48 days. Twenty-four will be a breeze to get through.” The timer starts blinking, the last 60 seconds counting down. “I gotta get going, Mary. But you keep sending me flirty emails so I have something to read and think about.”

He chuckles at the little surprised noise she makes. “You noticed that?”

“Did I notice that? Mariella, in the kindest way, you are not subtle.”

“Well- I-” She splutters. “Neither are you!”

“I’m not trying to be, baby doll,” Bradley revels in her reaction to the pet name - mouth dropping open as she blinks at him, cheeks pinker than he’s ever seen - one he didn’t even mean to use.

The flustered hand she waves at the camera while yelling at him makes him laugh. “Bradley!”

“I would say I’m sorry, but I’m not. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Be safe. Only 24 days.”

“Only 24 days.”

“I miss you, handsome.”

Bradley's face feels hot, choked up at the look in her eyes, the softness of her words. “I miss you, too, baby doll.”

They don’t say goodbye, choosing to admire each other as the final seconds tick away.

5…

I can’t wait to see you in person.

4…

God, you’re so gorgeous.

3…

I don’t want to hang up.

2…

I miss you.

1…

I love you.

if you would like to be added (or removed) from the tag list please send an ask!

fic tag | credit for dividers here

#top gun maverick fic #top gun maverick au #top gun maverick imagine #top gun fic #top gun au #top gun imagine #bradley rooster bradshaw fic #bradley bradshaw imagine #bradley bradshaw fic #bradley rooster bradshaw x oc #bradley bradshaw x oc #rooster imagine #DSS universe #MM fic #mar[r]y me fic #elle writes

48 notes · View notes

the-badger-mole · 1 year ago

Text

AU Bot Plots: All the Single Parents

It was a terrible idea. Zuko asked himself for the thousandth time that evening how he had allowed Haru to talk him into it, but still, he checked to make sure his blazer was on straight and his hair (shoulder length now that he didn't have Mai pushing him to keep it cut) was pulled back neatly into a low ponytail. He'd just spritzed on his cologne when there was a timid knock at his door. He saw it crack open, and Izumi, his precocious seven year old, poke her head through the door.

"You look nice, Daddy!" she said. "But why are you so dressed up to go fishing?" Zuko turned to face his daughter, his brows drawn down in confusion.

"Fishing?" he repeated. "Who told you I was going fishing?"

"Uncle," Izumi said. She clambered onto Zuko's bed and sat crosslegged on the foot. She had a serious look on her face that was much too old for her chubby-cheeked face. "He said that he has been telling you to get back out there for years and that there are lots of fish in the sea."

"Is that so?" Zuko asked, scooping his daughter up into his arms and kissing her cheek. "Well, I'm not going fishing. Uncle was just being silly. And he shouldn't discuss things like that with you."

"He didn't say it to me," Izumi said. "I heard him talking on the phone with Uncle Haru."

"Izzie," Zuko chided gently. "What have I told you about listening on other people's conversations?"

"Not to," Izumi replied, sullenly. "But Uncle talks so loud!" That got a chuckle from Zuko.

"Be nice," he told her. "Uncle's hearing isn't what it used to be. He doesn't always realize when he's being loud."

"My hearing is just fine, Nephew." Iroh rounded the corner from the living room and stared sternly up the stairs at Zuko and Izumi. Zuko and Izumi grinned at each other, then Zuko turned back to Iroh with an apologetic smile.

"Sorry, Uncle," he said. He set Izumi down and let her run down the stairs into Iroh's waiting arms.

"You're forgiven." Iroh cast a magnanimous gaze up at his nephew. "You should get going. You wouldn't want to be late."

"Wouldn't I?" Zuko groaned. He vowed never to speak with Haru alone ever again. His friend was deceptively convincing.

After saying goodbye to Izumi and Iroh, Zuko made the drive to the cafe bar in midtown where the city's most desperate divorcees were gathering to find their next failed relationship. It was just for practice, Zuko told his reflection in the rearview. It had been three years since his acrimonious divorce, and now that his daughter was in elementary school, Iroh and Haru had convinced him that it was time to get back on the dating scene. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Zuko wasn't exactly dying of loneliness, but he felt the absence of someone to hold and kiss acutely sometimes. And he saw how Izumi looked longingly at mothers with their children occasionally. Mai was a rare presence in Izumi's life. Even rarer since she started dating and eventually gotten engaged to Kei Lo, the man she'd insisted she wasn't having an affair with during the last days of their brief, tumultuous marriage.

Zuko had tried dating over the years, but he'd never met anyone who lasted more than a few months at most. And it had been over a year since his last attempt. This time would be different. He was 34, in therapy, and doing pretty well for himself. Despite the large scar covering a fourth of his face, he knew he was generally considered pretty handsome. He was ready for this. He was open to it. He was...regretting his decision to leave his house.

The crowd in the cafe bar was...grim. First of all, it was mostly men, and even if Zuko had been interested in men, they all looked tired and miserable. He seemed to be among the few who'd made any sort of effort with his appearance. The few women present were a good ten years older than he was, at least. The best looking among them was around 50, if Zuko had to guess. She spotted him and eyed him with interest. She really was very attractive, with a challenging smirk and a dangerous gleam in her eyes. She showed off her voluptuous figure in a curve hugging red cashmere sweater and pencil skirt. Her name tag introduced her as Jun. He wasn't sure if he was ready to take a chance on such a large age gap, but he figured a flirty conversation over couple of glasses of wine would make this evening not a total waste of time, anyway.

He was still contemplating going over to start a conversation, when the door to the bar opened again, and caused the bell drilled into the back to ring. All thoughts of wine with the woman in the red sweater left Zuko's mind, when he saw the newcomer. She was around his age- maybe slightly younger- in a blue dress with grey sneakers. She stopped at the welcome table and filled out a name tag, like the other attendees of the single parents' meet up, and stuck it onto the outside of her white cardigan. Zuko was close enough to read her name. Katara.

Katara seemed to be as reluctant as he was to be there, but she took a breath put on a smile, and stepped into the crowd of suddenly eager looking men. Then Zuko hung back for the next ten minutes, watching as she fended off advances from the men brave enough to approach her. Zuko couldn't blame her, even though this was the point of the evening. The men who approached her were the pushiest, leeriest and in many cases, oldest of the group.

Someone came up beside Zuko and cleared their throat. He found Jun at his side, smirking at him over a glass of whiskey on the rocks. Zuko thought she'd decided to approach him after all, but instead she nodded in Katara's direction.

"You'd have a good shot," she told Zuko. "Why don't you go introduce yourself?"

"Oh...I...I...um," he stammered. That was humiliating. When was the last time he'd gotten tongue tied?

"Articulate," Jun purred, her smirk widening. "Listen, this is a pick up scene for people not looking for someone to introduce to their kids. You and she are clearly still unjaded enough to be looking for romance, so why don't you save you both the time, and rescue her from that guy who's old enough to be her father?" Zuko looked over to where Katara was being chatted up by a wiry man who was still clinging to his receding hairline for his life. She had a wry smirk on her face and seemed to be handling herself just fine. She caught Zuko's eye over the man's shoulder and raised her eyebrow ironically, as if sharing a joke with Zuko. His mouth went dry, and he felt the back of his neck heat up. He turned back to Jun.

"And what if I told you I was hoping to get to talk with you tonight?" he asked. Jun's dark eyes sparkled with mirth and her mouth slid into a slow, sultry smile.

"Oh, honey," she chuckled, brushing his cheek with her knuckles. "You couldn't handle me. And you've been staring at her since she came in. Man up, and go say hi." She passed Zuko the rest of her drink, which he drained in one gulp before he squared his shoulders and made his way across the room to Katara and her suitor.

"Excuse me," Zuko interrupted. "I just wanted to...to come introduce myself." The man who'd been talking to Katara turned to Zuko with a scowl.

"We're in the middle of a conversation," the man snarled. Katara rolled her eyes at him.

"Actually," she said. "I think we're good. Thanks so much for the information, but I'm not that interested in stocks. It was nice meeting you, though, Niko." Katara pushed off of the wall she'd been leaning against and walked off, with Zuko not far behind.

"Are these things always this boring?" Katara asked.

"I wouldn't know," Zuko told her. "My friend talked me into this."

"My sister-in-law threatened to stop fixing my car if I didn't come," Katara sighed. She looked around at the crowd appraisingly. "Maybe I should have just taken my chances. The bus isn't so bad."

"I don't know," Zuko said with a shrug. "I think the night just got interesting." Katara smirked up at Zuko, and his breath caught in his throat at the way her bright blue eyes caught the light.

"I saw that cougar you were chatting up," she said. "I'll bet tonight has been very interesting for you." Zuko's face went beet red, he could tell without a mirror.

"That wasn't...what that was," he tried to explain.

"Really?" Katara shrugged. "Gee, that's too bad. She's pretty hot. But... maybe her loss, my gain?" Katara smiled coyly at Zuko. Agni, was she flirting with him? Zuko cleared his throat.

"We could grab a couple of drinks and see how it goes," Zuko suggested. Katara's smile widened.

"Sounds good to me."

#atla #zutara #au bot plots #single parents mixer #met after messy divorces au #THE YEAR OF CONTENT!!!!

58 notes · View notes

gwopijon · 2 months ago

Text

Donald Trump has won the president four years after he sat for months on Covid being deadly and after he incited an insurection.

He's an abjudicated rapist. He stole classified documents. He's a traitor. He is personally corrupt but it meant nothing to voters.

He hid the fact that Covid was deadly for months. We had empty shells and long lines at food banks but it meant nothing to voters.

He had zero ground game. He’s a felon. He incited an insurrection less than four years ago. But he was running against a woman again, and if there’s one thing Americans hate, it’s women.

In 2016, I still had some sense of hope that whatever happened during a Trump presidency, we could find a way to survive and recover. I don’t have that hope this time. Not after everything that’s happened, not after the past nine years of this utter sh-tshow. This is the American electorate looking at this orange clown and saying “that’s my guy.” This man spewed the most despicable, hate filled rhetoric and someone who is clearly declining physically and mentally. They heard “mass deportations” and they said “anything to bring down housing costs.” They heard every single warning about Trump’s authoritarian fascism and they said “sounds amazing.” They heard the promise of authoritarianism and they said “sign me up.”

What’s especially crazy is that Trump doesn’t even want to be president again. He was just running to avoid prison. This senile, hateful, disgusting 78-year-old man was exhausted and phoning it in for most of the campaign. He kept disappearing for weeks at a time to golf and sundown in peace. When he went to vote in Florida yesterday, he sounded almost resigned to losing. Even he underestimated the stupidity of Americans. Even he can’t believe that people fell for it again.

Kamala Harris was a great Democratic Presidential Candidate. She still lost.

In 2016, in the hours after Hillary Clinton lost, I was partly in a fugue state, half-numb and half-enraged. Accusations flew across the political spectrum – what if Hillary had done more in the Rust Belt, what if she did this or that differently, why did she run given the “Clinton Fatigue,” why did James Comey f–k her over in the final weeks. There’s really none of that eight years later. We couldn’t have asked for a better candidate than Kamala Harris. Kamala Harris was disciplined, joyful, wonkish, fun and cool. She energized the base and she had widespread cross-party appeal. The only things “wrong” with Kamala Harris were: she’s a woman, she’s a Black woman, and she isn’t Donald Trump.

This isn’t even because of one particular demographic – white women, men of all races, Latino voters, suburbanites, they all swung wildly against Kamala Harris.

I hope Kamala knows that she did the best she could with the hand she was dealt. The numbers don’t reflect a failure on her part, in my opinion. The numbers reflect a failure of the American electorate. Good news for the American electorate: Donald Trump promised that this would be the last votes you would ever have to cast, that he will “fix” everything so no one has to vote anymore. Congrats on making it count.

I’m terrified as a woman. As a biracial woman. As someone with complex healthcare needs. As a gay woman. As the friend of many LGBTQ+ people. And I’m genuinely scared for the many Republicans who had the courage to speak out against Trump, particularly Liz Cheney, Fascists do not deal lightly with perceived disloyalty.

Bibi and Putin are celebrating today. Gaza will be nuked into oblivion and Ukraine will be handed to Russia just like Taiwan will be handed to China. YOU did that!

I am struggling with my faith with feeling anger and hatred towards those ingrates who came and found the table set from the blood, sweat, tears, whipping, lynching and jailing of my ancestors and threatened us with a Trump/Vance/Heritage Foundation/ Project 2025 has Harris not tap danced on Gaza knowing full well, she was doing her job as VP she could not supersede the sitting President of this country. Some of ya'll knew she was personally against arming Israel and has always been for a 2 state solution. For those voters: FUCK YOU!

FUCK you if you voted 3rd Party.

FUCK you if you didn't vote at all while you could and should have.

In order it went white men, white Latino men, and white women who overwhelmingly voted for Trump. We should stop with “economic uncertainty” again as a cover.

Sam Alito and Clarence Thomas will fucking retire and this motherfucker will nominate who Leonard Leo orders him to nominate and the fucking Supreme Court will unleash on our asses for the next 40 years. Roe vs Wade and the overturning of Affirmative Action will be nothing to what is next to come...

We black people have no fucking allies. Folks been piggybacking off black blood, sweat and tears for too fucking long. We're tired. We're fucking done. DON'T fucking expect us anymore

What hurts most is, this is apparently who we are as a country. Racist. Misogynistic. It doesn’t happen twice unless that’s just who the fuck we are. The rest of us will continue to fight against it, but it just got a lot harder. I think MVP and others will still help guide us but DON'T fucking expect black women to fight our battles and YOURS. FUCK that. We're done. We're gonna fight our battles nowadays .

I will not protest anything Trump wishes to do. DON'T expect us black women to play Mammy and clean shit after you anymore. We're done playing Captain Save a Hoe for you ingrates. I think he should have full reign to do whatever he plans and America should get it good and hard. It's what they asked for.

This country is not the Eutopia some of you are foolishly hoping for. IF you think a unqualified backbench like AOC or corrupt Nina Turner (the OPPO dossier on her is out there) or Katie Porter or Warren would have fared better or will ever become president; think again. It will NEVER happen. NEVER gonna fucking happen!

We black women as of last night have done what Pontius Pilate did and to wash our hands with America:

#kamala harris #donald trump

6 notes · View notes

jawritter · 2 years ago

Text

Carry On

Chapter 20

Summary: It was just a simple hunt, found on a pie festival. It was supposed to be easy. Something they’d all done one hundred and one times a million. No one could have told Y/N, Dean, and Sam that nothing from that point on would ever be the same again.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader x Sam Winchester

Word Count: 2k

Warnings: Angst

Due to the graphic nature of this fic, and the fact that it will eventually contain Smut. This fic is an 18 + only fic! If you’re under 18 DO NOT read this fic!

A/N: This fic is beta’d by @kazsrm67 Thanks so much love! Please do not copy my work! Feedback is golden! I hope you all enjoy this ride with me!

My Mastlist Series Masterlist

Three Weeks Later:

“Well, how soon can you get it here?” Dean’s voice echoed through the shop office that he’d been working diligently at setting up since about a week after they’d moved into Dean’s home. Y/N had stuck close to him through the whole process of getting the shop in order, and ready for business; mostly because she was afraid, he’d overdo it again like he’d done when they’ve moved a few weeks back, but he seemed to be more aware of when it was time to stop.

Right now, he was on the phone with someone that was supposed to be delivering some sort of lift machine that was to lift the car in the air so that oil could be changed. He’d called the name of the machine over a thousand times in the last week, but honestly, she couldn’t remember what it was called.

It had been a bitch to get this thing delivered too. Probably the most aggravating thing they’d done this far. They kept changing the delivery and setup date. The thing is, that's what the holdup WAS this machine; it was the last piece they needed before they could open for business. He’d even hired three guys to work in the shop, so all he had to do was light work and supervise.

“Fine, fine,” Dean growled into the phone’s receiver. “But if it’s not delivered and set up by the end of the business day tomorrow, your boss is gonna hear from me, and I will be getting a refund, and I will be using another company altogether. You guys are taking way too long, and you’re holding up my business. I’ve already had three people come in today wanting work done, and I just can’t do it efficiently without this equipment.”

Y/N hadn’t seen this side of Dean since he was hunting. He was so calculated, and focused. He finally found something to focus on that he liked, and she was grateful to see it. He needed this. He needed to get up and get his life back and not just wallow in what happened to him. Which can be very easy to do when someone goes through something as dramatic as Dean did.

Dean hung up the phone and tossed it down on his desk, mumbling something about ‘incompetent moron’, and Y/N tried not to smirk as he did so. It was such a ‘Dean’ move that it was comical.

“They will get it here Dean, just be patient,” Y/N said as she watched him pinch the bridge of his nose in an attempt to force his blood pressure down to a normal level again.

“I know, I know, I just want to strangle the mother fucker.”

Y/N snorted and shook her head just as Jacob, one of the young men Dean had hired to work in the shop, knocked on the open office door.

“We’re done with that tire rotation boss,” he said, and Dean nodded at him with a heavy sigh.

Jacob was young, only 19 years old, but he kinda reminded Y/N of a young Dean Winchester. Honestly, he even kinda looked like him, or at least what Y/N would have imagined Dean looked like as a teenager, she had never seen an actual picture of him when he was that young; it wasn’t like John’s top priority was taking family photos after all.

“You guys go ahead and take off for the rest of the day,” Dean instructed him, glancing at the clock over the door frame Jacob was standing in like a puppy, waiting for someone to toss him a ball. “It’s already after five, and we really don’t need to do anything else today. They’re not gonna bring the equipment I ordered until tomorrow, so there’s no need to hang around here and wait on it.”

“Okay,” Jacob chirped, “I’ll tell the other guys, see you all tomorrow!”

Jacob waved as he scurried back towards the inner parts of the shop to tell everyone else they could leave, and Dean watched him go at a jogging pace with a thin lined mouth. That’s when Y/N knew Dean was starting to get in his head. She could always tell;he would just get this look. That’s when she knew she needed to distract him.

“You know, it’s probably not a bad idea for us to head home too,” Y/N tried, “not like we can do much else here tonight that wont wait until tomorrow. Let’s go home and get something to eat.”

Dean didn’t move, he just continued to stare blankly out of the door that Jacob had just left from, rubbing the light beard on his chin with his palm, his mind a thousand miles away from where he was sitting.

So, she did something she’d not done before with Dean, but it felt like an impulsive moment that needed to be taken. It was sure to distract him one way or another, she just hoped against hope that it wouldn’t backfire on her, but rather serve to get him out of his t treacherous thoughts.

She stood from her seat across the room, and slowly walked over towards him. She then sat herself down on his lap, careful not to put too much weight and pressure on his back which was being supported by the chair he was sitting in, and wrapped her arms around her neck. To her surprise, Dean’s arms immediately circled around her, and he pulled her into him even deeper, deeper than she would have been afraid to lay against him out of fear of hurting him, but he didn’t seem to be all that much bothered by her weight against his solid chest. Instead, he seemed to rather enjoy the closeness. Which surprised her all together because she figured he would have just pulled away from her.

“You’ve got to stop doing that you know,” she said after a long moment, and Dean sighed heavily.

“Doing what?”

“Getting all in your head like that. Letting thoughts take harbor where they shouldn’t. It’s not going to do you any favors whatsoever. It’s just gonna open the door for shit like worsened anxiety and depression.”

Dean hid his face in her hair, inhaling deeply as he tried to settle himself.

“Am I that obvious?” he questioned, and Y/N chuckled to herself.

“Just a little bit Winchester. You’re like… the king of self-loathing.”

“I resent that,” Dean laughed, “I mean, it’s true, but I’m still gonna resent it.”

Neither of them moved because neither of them wanted to honestly. She’d be a liar if she said that having him this close to her with his arms wrapped around her didn’t affect her. She’d be an absolute lying hypocrite to say that she didn’t crave him close to her the way he craved her. The affection aspect is something that had always been missing from their relationship, not without good reason, but she still missed it. Here, she felt safe, like for once everything was gonna be okay, and all the hell they had been through at least might have a light at the end of a very long, dark, treacherous tunnel.

True to her own luck though, she didn’t get to enjoy it long at all; because no sooner had she let herself relax enough to enjoy being this close to Dean, a knock sounded once again from the door, and she nearly jumped off of him, but he held her there, refusing to let her go completely.

“What Jacob?” Dean asked, without even looking up.

“Cathy just called your neighbor, she said she tried to call your cell, but you must have been on the phone and didn’t answer. She said there’s a new looking Dodge Charger parked out in front of your house, been there for a while, a man and a woman are just sitting there like they’re waiting on you or something.”

Dean did sit up there; his whole body became tense and rigid as he did.

She should have known that her happy little bubble would get popped by some anxiety-inducing drama appearing out of nowhere; just waiting for the most opportune moment to strike.

“Okay,” Dean said, his voice calm despite the stiffness of his body. “Tell her we’re about to head that way.”

Jacob nodded, and made his way back out of the shop, letting the door close with a loud, metal bang as he retreated back out to his car; eager to get off work, surely to go see that little blonde he’d been seeing for the past few days. She wished Dean’s relationship with herself was so simple, but it never would be.

Still, her mind was thinking the worst. Surely their past had come back to haunt them; they could no longer run from their demons that they thought had been extinguished with Chuck’s defeat. They must have been fools to think they could carry on a normal life after the life they’d led; they couldn’t just leave it all behind.

Dean’s hand came up to the side of her face, and had she not been careful, she probably would have screamed out of the sheer surprise of it.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Dean said, “calm down sweetheart, you’re gonna hyperventilate.”

She hadn’t even realized that her breathing was erratic, but Dean had, he’d seen it right off, concern etched deep in his handsome features as he searched her. Guess she had some scars of her own she needed to deal with after all. She’d been so focused on Dean’s recovery, she’d neglected her own inner demons.

“Maybe we shouldn’t go home Dean, what if it’s literally Demons or some other shit that has found us here?” Y/N hissed, afraid that Jacob or some of the other guys were still hanging around the shop.

Dean shook his head, running his thumb along her cheekbone, his pale green gaze softening even more.

“It’s not a monster sweetheart, It’s just my brother. That life can’t touch us anymore, okay?”

Y/N, sat there, stunned for a moment, she had so many questions, and fears.

“And no,” Dean cut her before she could even open her mouth to ask the obvious question. “I talked to Jack while I was in the hospital; he came to see me, asked me if I wanted more time, or if I was ready to get to the ‘there’ll be peace when you’re done… part of the song’, and I told him I wanted to stay. He promised to keep it all away from us, a gift, even though he said he wouldn’t intervene.”

“Dean… Why didn’t you tell me?” Y/N questioned, in a state of pure shock and disbelief.

“Well,” Dean continued, his gaze faltering as if he was afraid he’d messed up by divulging that little bit of information he’d been hanging onto. “Jack said I’d live, but he didn’t tell me what shape I’d be in when I did. He just said I’d live. I didn’t want to tether you to me if I was going to be horribly crippled. I’m sorry, I should have told you.”

Y/N just shook her head and buried her face in his throat, relieved, but exhausted from her mild panic attack earlier. She’d be mad at him later for not telling her sooner. Right now, she was just grateful that he was still here with her arms around him, and that Jack saw that Dean deserved this just as much as she did.

“But… how do you know for sure it’s Sam?” she questioned as the pair stood to make their way to where Baby was parked out back of the shop; closer to his office than the front doors were.

“Because, I’ve seen Sam drive stuff like that before, trust me it’s his style. The boy never did know how to appreciate the classics,” Dean revealed with an annoyed tone.

That’s when a new set of anxiety hit her all together. If Sam had come here to pick a fight with his brother for starting his life over in Lawrence; well that was something she wouldn’t stand for. Dean deserved this chance, even Jack saw that; and she wouldn’t sit idly by and let Sam ruin it. She refused to.

Forever:

@britnwinchester

@samanddeaninatrenchcoat

@wittysunflower

@demongirl1996

@as-lost-as-sams-shoe

@jensenslady79

@spnwoman

@stoneyggirl2

@unabashed-lover-of-fictional-men

@stixnstripesworld

@fullwattpadmusictree

@nancymcl

@christycreature

@whiskey-infused-dreams

@supernatural79impala

@deandreamernp

@forgetthisbull

@miraclesoflove

@slamminmine

@deanwanddamons

@rvgrsbrns

@chevyharvelle

@i-love-superhero-movies

@lyss-dw79

@magssteenkamp

@lemondropirwin

@squirrelnotsam

@hobby27

@spnbaby-67

@mrsjenniferwinchester

@defenderrosetyler

@thecreatiivecorner

@vicmc624

@busy-bee-angel-misska

@justanotherwinchester

@brilovesdeanwinchester

@idksupernatural

@lyarr24

@emoryhemsworth

@dean-winchesters-gardian-angel

@flamencodiva

@itmejado

@thoughts-and-funnies

@teresa-67

@hearteyes-j2

@peaches007

@bobbie3939

@vulgar-library

@writercole

@fairlyspnfanfic

@sexyvixen7

@spngi

@b3autyfuldisast3r

@donnaintx

@maliburenee

@the-family-business67

@agirlwithdemonblood

@captainsoldiergirl

@twinkleinadiamondsky

Jensen and Dean’s Babes

@deans-baby-momma

@impalaslytherin

@perpetualabsurdity

@msmarvelouswinchester

@akshi8278

@love-jackles

@irmcpar

@pink-sparkly-witch

@deans-spinster-witchs-favorites

@herstarburststories

@mimaria420

@deanwinchesterswitch

@charred-angelwings

@pascal-rascal424

@myloversgone

@fortheloveof-jackles

@eevvvaa

@bts-spnlvr12

@jxackles

@lassie-bird

@samsgirl93

@shawnie74

@kaz11283

@mlovesstories

@ladysparks78

@sarahgracej

#Carry On #dean winchester #dean winchester series #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester x you #dean winchester x y/n #dean x reader #dean x y/n #dean x you #hurt!dean winchester #hurt!dean winchester x reader #hurt!dean winchester x you #hurt!dean winchester x y/n #spn fanfiction #spn fanfic #spn series #jawritter #jensen ackles

102 notes · View notes

crucibleknight · 10 days ago

Note

revolver ocelot for the character ask meme :3

give me a character and i'll break their ass down

How I feel about this character

the stars and planets and galaxies were aligned to make this gay old fuck my favorite character ever and he WAS for a hot second until that other guy clawed his way in. sad. he's still my phone background but it feels a little inauthentic

i LIKE ocelot i think he's really interesting because he is like absurd from an aesthetic perspective (russian cowboy) and in his mannerisms (the gun thing) but he's also like a master manipulator or whatever so you do kind of end up questioning what's genuine and what's part of whatever act he's got going on. i am also a sucker for the sort of trope that he fits into which is guy that's so loyal to someone he'll do whatever they want. he might be a like quadruple agent most of the time but at least he has that one central and pure drive to hang onto

also i love love LOVE his quote from the end of mgs3 -- 'you're not a snake and i'm not an ocelot. we're men, with names' like. man.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

that's just gonna be big boss i fear. he met that man when he was a young impressionable fag and never ever looked back

My non-romantic OTP for this character

hrmm. does wanting him and kaz to hatefuck once or twice count. ohALSO i think he and quiet have an interesting friendship(?) that develops

My unpopular opinion about this character

i literally don't know what the popular opinions are. i go into the mgs tags to look at fanart and i don't tend to read analysis lest i find something annoying. so i'll just take a stab here--i actually don't love ocelot in mgsv, which is something my fiance teases me about. i think its a combo of the weird accent he picked up and the fact that he's not as like ...... crazy? as the other games. like he's freaking it the least in that one. and ok maybe im a little mad that he ends up the more reasonable of the two court advisors in like every possible situation so i have to side with him instead of my bitch wife

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

MAN I SURE WISH THEY MENTIONED HIM IN PEACEWALKER. LIKE EVEN ONCE. all the tapes we get and not even an offhand comment about him. even a vague one. i just think it would set up mgsv better. like i booted that game up and found my two pet blondes had teamed up without me which would be mildly less wild if big boss had mentioned ocelot even like. once. to kaz

#lucas.txt #answered #THANKS BABE

2 notes · View notes

harryleatherfit · 1 year ago

Text

Upper East Side || A.U || Frankie Morales

Chapter 11: Opening Night

Frankie Morales x F!Reader

Word Count: 7.8K (i was gonna keep going but Warnings: mentions of fucking bad family, unprotected p in v (um), oral f receiving, mentions of sub space (when you squint at the end), spanking, hard fucking, tit sucking, some fluff, performance on stage, lmk if i’ve missed any

Authors Notes: let me know what you guys think! genuinely this is the longest thing i’ve written but i fear i’ll be hated for the next few chapters 😵‍💫 i love you guys ♾️

Chapter Playlist

Jungle Fever- The Chakachas

Somebody Like You- Bree Runway

Lust For Life- Lana Del Ray

🪩Main Master List🪩 Series Master List🪩

Opening night, electricity filled your body. You woke up with light peeking through your window, you stared at the dust particles floating around, you wish you could stay here forever. Both nights were sold out, your heart racing thinking you had to be on stage tonight. Performing in front of thousands excited you on second thought. You loved the crowd, the air, the excitement as you smiled. You had gotten leads at UNCSA, but nothing could compare to this. You didn’t know where you lay in the acting world at all, but you had to remember that no matter what you would be yourself on the inside.

You had gotten up before Laylah, Rose, and Hannah, making coffee and staring at the sun. You were hoping Frankie was up looking at the same sun. You did breath exercises, prepping your lungs for the amount of talking you had to do for the next few days. Setting your headspace was most important to you. You were scrolling on your phone and Frankies name popped up in the corner of the screen.

New Message:

Frankie: Can you come early to the theater? Somethin I wanna show you.

You: My call times at 3, want me to come at 12?

Frankie: 11.

You: Okayyy, need me to bring food?

Frankie: No, assistants already brought a shit load, I need to see you.

You: Packing my bags as we speak🥱

“Hey hotstuff,” Laylah walks out of your room, yawning, “Smells good. Ready for your big day?”

“Ready as I can ever be.” You shrug, embracing the heat of your coffee cup. The mornings were always so cold.

“Anything planned for the morning?”

“Well, he asked me to come in early, something to show me.” You whisper.

“Oh shit, damn ok,” They get excited, “Have fun gettin old man dick.”

“Laylah!” You laugh.

“Nah, I bet it’s good. Look at him.”

“Believe me I know.”

“Have you guys fucked yet?” They nudge.

“No, but I'm not even sad. So many times guys just want to immediately fuck and it’s such a massive turn off.” You explain, “He’s soft and gentle with me, never in a rush.”

“Yeah me and Bryce haven't done the deed yet. Have high hopes for him. And he also uses my correct pronouns so yay men!” They cheer.

“Well here’s to fucking men I guess.” You click your coffee in the air, “Is he treating you right?”

“We haven’t done much aside from hangout during rehearsals and stuff, so after we’ll actually have time to be with each other.”

“You should go with him after the show tonight, get dinner and walk around the city.” You suggest.

“I think that’s what I’ll do.” They hug you, “My beautiful astonishing Lady Macbeth, I’ll see you tonight.”

-----

You arrive at the theater, New York Streets bustling with people at this hour. Broadway never fails to have thousands of people in and out. Tonight was going to be a big one. Book of Mormon was on, but that show was always on broadway and Macbeth was only on for two nights.

You wondered how many stars were going to come, how many people you loved that would come to see your show. How many playbills you were going to get to sign.

Your interaction with Wes Anderson made you think about your spine, your eyebrow conjecture, the way you present yourself and your character on stage. Everything had to be different. Mattias had a pep talk with you before you left the theater, no matter what happens on this stage, we both know we have put our souls into this show.

It was true, there’s no need to stress about impressing people.

You set your bad down at the entrance, seats already blocked off, ushers clocking in their hours.

“Hey, up here.” Frankie calls up from the theater's booth, “It’s set up a little differently here, Broadway has way more money than our school could ever imagine,” You walk up the steps, “I know so much bigger than our little shabby room at the school.” You take in the scenery of the room.

“I bet you’ve worked here a lot though, right? I mean this is like your job, to do shows for the college, teach the building basics of theater, and fucking work Broadway shows.” How could he act like this wasn’t a big deal.

“Honey, my job is cool and all but doesn't mean I enjoy it. Long hours, having to meet people's demands, spicy celebrities, whiney actors.” He purrs.

“Hey! I’m not whiney, you’re the whiney one, arguing with everyone who pisses you off.”

You hug him, he’s sitting on a stool in front of the lighting board, “I wanted to be an actor actually, but never went through. I never had the courage to do bigger roles and my dad was always focused on my brother. So I just went into tech, it’s easier anyways.” He mumbles.

“Sometimes I wish I went into tech, being an actor is fucking hard,” You stare at him, “Why’d you quit acting? You could never be second to anyone.” You rub his face, hands lingering on his porno stash, his scruff felt like lightening under your fingers.

“When we were in our twenties, he’s a little bit older than I am, he was breaking through the stock market and everyone was shocked. I mean he broke through after 9/11 so he was everywhere.

My dad was disappointed that I wanted to do theater and acting and not anything business related. I was doing mini side jobs for Broadway and small film roles. I went to Spain for some time. Until I started doing this I was finally important to my family.” You back off from him, circling the room.

He hasn’t talked to you about his family too much, he said he’s an open book but you didn’t want to push him too much.

“Sad boring people want to go into the stock market. Margot Robbie was the only interesting thing about Wolf of Wall Street by the way,” You chide, “You're not a fucking disappointment, you’re motivated. You create worlds for people to see, you have so much passion. I wish I was you.”

He moves from his chair, standing up, he’s way taller than you

“Smart girl, go turn off the lights.”

“Frankie,” You stare at him, “We can’t, you know we can’t.” Even though you fucking want to.

“We’re not,” He laughs, “Just go turn them off, I want you to see this.”

You do as told, flipping the switch and returning to your sanctuary.

“Lay down and look up, cmon I’ll do it with you.” He instructs.

You find your way in the dark, glimmer from the ceiling illuminating the room. You lay down as you feel his body next to yours.

“See the ceiling? It’s stars, they painted stars in here for the actors to relax before shows. I’ve done shows here before and they always help me even before a long tech run.” He whispers, the ceiling reminds you of a galaxy, calming and beautiful. He moves to your neck, smelling your hair. You could bathe in his after shave, bask his cologne. He always smelled so expensive.

“Don’t get too comfortable pretty girl, someone could walk in.”

“Then don’t smell so fucking good.” You shove him away, laughing to your side. The pain in your lower abdomen could never subside when you were around him.

“I have something to give to you now, but would you wanna come over to my place later? We could get food, or walk around, or if you want to go back to your place after the show home then we can go there, orwecanjustleave-”

“Shhh,” You shove your finger to his lips, “I would love to go to your place tonight, please. We can finally be alone. Finally be with each other without anyone interrupting us.”

“Ok, ok.” He shakes his head like a giddy boy, “ Oh baby you’re gonna do amazing tonight.,” He kisses you quickly “Before I set up, I wanted to give you these.” He fumbles into his jeans pocket, pulling out two VIP Caroline Polachek tickets.

“No fucking way, you did not do this. Frankie, you did not spend this money.” You squeal.

“Stop, I didn’t spend any money gorgeous. I pulled some strings and magically got them.”

He hands them to you, they were metallic with black printing of the venue and time, with her name in this beautiful ceryllic, you couldn't imagine being in her presence. You’ve wanted to see her since the beginning of college, but you never had the money to go. Since her breakup from Chairlift, you fell in love with her artistry. She was meticulous about what she exposed to the world and you wanted to be like her.

“A little something for an opening night present, and the concert’s before your recital. A win-win.”He looks at you, “I know her new album came out and I know her producer, maybe you’ll get to meet her.” He winks. Get to meet your fucking idol? You were shocked but it was Frankie, of course he would do something like this.

“Don’t worry about tonight darlin,” He holds you, “This weekend is gonna be amazing.”

------

Is this the real life, is this just fantasy caught in a landslide. No escape from reality.

Bohemian Rhapsody was blaring throughout the dressing rooms, never able to run away from Freddie Mercury.

After your soiree with Frankie, you had gone to freshen up, prep your hair and skin. Ate a protein bar and met with Mattias. You blindly went over your scenes, and then he offered some cigarettes You shouldn’t have, but you did.

You fled out the back, door checking to see if anyone would see you. Not that it would matter but felt too familiar. You found a cozy spot, wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket the team gave you and lit one up with him. You felt like you were a teenager in high school again, smoking before a show to ease the nerves.

Passing on local tradition.

“You’ve got any family coming tonight?” He opens his zippo lighter.

“Nah, just my friends, I don’t have family up here. You?”

“Mom and dad, they weren’t too happy I came to this school but it’s starting to grow on them” He taps his cigarette, “Anyone special coming tonight?”

“Something like that. It’s recently new with him and I, but he’ll be here.” You blow smoke,“You?”

“I just broke up with my boyfriend so probably not. We’ll see.”

“Ahh Mattias, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”

“I’m okay, just means I’ll be clubbing fucking extra tomorrow night at the afterparty, are you excited?”

“Fuck I forgot about that, I haven’t clubbed in years.”

“It’s at this hoity toity place in the Upper East Side, not The Box I promise but it’ll be fun as fuck. The directors are supposed to come, like the whole school is going to show up.”

The fucking Box. Frankie being there.

Flashbacks of Frankie fingerfucking you agasint the bathroom counter race through your mind, you couldn’t understand how bad you wanted him. The one person in your life that has changed your entire being.

You guys finish your cigarettes, small talk with him was so easy. Giggling about the shit you’ve seen in high school and college as theater majors. Mattias knew what the struggle was like, he knew the difference between stage anxiety and general anxiety. You guys were the perfect pair on stage.

“You go head on in Ms. Macbeth, get your shit done and I’ll see you soon sweet cheeks.”

-------

“So at 3 tomorrow the whole cast has an interview with The New Yorker.” Ms. Roylance announces, it’s an hour before show.

“And the main 2 have an interview with Vogue at 5.”

Vogue, what the shit.

Tech crew, all the actors and directors were in a circle, saying a couple final words before curtains would go up.

Across from you, Laylah and Bryce are holding hands and Frankie is talking to Mr Miller.

You were trying to calm your heart rate, you felt comfortable with everyone around you, but if you sit in a dark closet and rehearse for the last hour you would.

“I want us to hold hands, close our eyes and say one word we're feeling, and the last 30 minutes before show we can just roam in the back, hows that sound?” Roylace gages the group. Everyone agrees, clasping hands, shutting eyes and embracing each other's energy. It’s the best you can do.

“I’ll start, pleased.” She finishes.

“Happy.”

“Elated.”

“Horrified.”

“Worried.”

“Terrified.”

“Thrilled.” Bryce bellows.

“Overjoyed.” Laylah says.

“Light.”

“Captivated.” You immediately knew that was Frankie, his voice, the utmost bass in his voice. Shakes you alive. You open your eyes, looking at everyone around you, soaking up your last minutes with everyone before you break apart.

“Wondrous.”

“Flamboyant.”

“Flustered.”

“Scared.”

It’s your turn, you’ve had the whole circle to think about this, “Content.” Your eyes closed, the mid stage lights shining on you, the murmurs from the full crowd behind the red curtain, the smiles on all your faces, you’re ready.

“Happy.”

“Petrified.”

“Euphoric.”

The last words slip into the air, opening your eyes exasperated.

“Places in 40.” Frankie says.

Everyone separates, straggling across the stage, getting to their righteous spots but you stay. It only feels right and you know he will stay with you.

As soon as everyone is out of sight, he gets closer to you, but not daring to touch your hand. You watch him go to the middle of the curtain, he opens it slyly only to peek through to the crowd.

“Wanna come see?” He asks.

You walk downstage to him, setting in stone to his exact steps, letting one eye peek through the red fabrics and the whole crowd is lively, everyone is dressed so elegantly. The laughs, the people finding their seats. Ushers smiling. House lights dimmed sensually. This is what Broadway is about. Your jaw drops, but you wouldn’t let this dare scare your heart, you’re fucking ready for this.

“See, they are all here for you and Mattias, they are here to see the most wonderful production of the year and because of you, you bring the feisty energy they need.” He whispers into your ear. You shudder, almost tears of happiness, you had no stage fright anymore. “Now fucking blow there minds away baby.”

-------

The raven himself is hoarse, that croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan, under my battlements. Come, you spirits, that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, and fill me from the crown to the toe top-full

Of direst cruelty. Make thick my blood, stop up th’ access and passage to remorse, that no compunctious visitings of nature, shake my fell purpose, nor keep peace between, th’ effect and it. Come to my woman’s breasts

And take my milk for gall, you murd’ring ministers, wherever in your sightless substances, you wait on nature’s mischief. Come, thick night, and pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell, that my keen knife see not the wound it makes, nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark

To cry “Hold, hold!”

Make me fucking human.

For more or less, there was no crowd in front of you. Just Mattias holding your hand. Rebirth. Refinery. Frankie watching you from the booth, admiring every step you take. Acting is simple, people pleasing is simple, it’s melodic from making up the emotions on the spot and zoning through the waves of the artistry. It’s for the people, acting is a service. You’re giving your heart out to the world.

You follow your footwork with Mattias, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth, husband and wife. Forcing your husband to follow through with your plan, killing the king. So detrimental.

You rush to the wings, dipping your newest costume with blood. Lady Macbeth is a woman of thrill and duty, she would do anything for her husband, and you know how that feels. You soak yourself with the sticky substance, getting it all over your face, fingerprints of deadly sins.

Hands so poignant with red, your heart could be falling out and no one would notice. Cue.

My hands are of your color, but I shame, to wear a heart so white, I hear a knocking

At the south entry, retire we to our chamber, a little water clears us of this deed, how easy is it, then! Your constancy, hath left you unattended, hark, more knocking, get on your nightgown, lest occasion call us, and show us to be watchers, be not lost so poorly in your thoughts.

You move the rest of the act, sit down through act 4, nothing involving you and finally act 5.

You mess around your hair, flick blood on your lips and action.

Out, damned spot, out, I say! One. Two. Why then, ‘tis time to do’t. Hell is murky. Fie, my lord, fie, a soldier and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account? Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?

Instantaneously you have flashbacks when you were a child. In your cold room alone, dad and mom are fighting. This always fucking happened. The yelling would make you cry, but you learned how to get over it, you accepted that was your life. But now you’re safe, now you’re with people who love you and want the best for you. Men could never have control over you, ever again.

Do you mark that?

The Thane of Fife had a wife. Where is she now? What, will these hands ne’er be clean? No more o’that, my lord, no more o’that. You mar all with this starting.

Go to, go to. You have known what you should not.

She has spoke what she should not, I am sure of that. Heaven knows what she has know.

The moment you’ve been waiting for,

Here’s the smell of blood still. All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand-

You don’t hold back, you dig into the crevices of your voice box, finding every follicle in your body to scream. To scare this crowd. You aren’t a little girl. Lady Macbeth is a story to never be let down. You drop to the floor, shrieking your mind away, begging for air and life. Letting the blood on you trickle with slobber and tears.

The exhaustion mixed with the heat of your scream made your head spin, but the crowd was silent- you lay there hiccuping for a minute, letting the waves of grief pass by.

What a sigh there! The heart is sorely charged.

I would not have such a heart in my bosom for the dignity of the whale body.

Well, well, well.

Pray God it be, sir.

The disease is beyond my practice. Yet I have known those which have walked in their sleep, who have died holily in their beds.

You shiver, shaking over to the edge of the stage,

To bed, to bed. There’s knocking at the gate. Come, come, come, come. Give me your hand. What’s done cannot be undone. To bed, to bed, to bed.

You exit, and the audience erupts in roars. They quickly sit back down, as there’s more dialogue with the doctor and gentlewoman, but not one moment did you hesitate to throw yourself into your monologue. It felt so powerful, unbelievably life changing.

The show finishes, sitting in the wing as your castmates finish the last monologue. Opening night was one for the books. You all line up for bows, tech right behind you, the curtain opens up and finally the moment you’ve wanted. Not the applause, but able to see Frankie in that chair, just staring at you. All you’ve wanted today is to be with him, but your performance was truly dedicated to him, he was the one that shocked your headspace, he’s the one that makes you want this all. You each take your singular bow, your feet wobbling, walking to the end, tearing up with this crowd, the graciousness you felt.

The standing ovation of the crowd was magnificent, every section clapping for minutes, no soul daring to leave their seats. New York, what a beautiful city. The strong whistles, the numerous claps, the chatter warmed your heart. Roses being sent your direction, hearts shown with hands.

Your crew was instructed to go back to your dressing rooms, clean up, hang your costumes and prepare everything the same for tomorrow, then you could go greet people if you wanted to.

Before you knew it, Mattias was dragging you out to the street, to see all the fans lining up on the street waiting to get their playbills signed.

You only wanted to find Frankie and Laylah, but you didn’t have one second to revive for yourself.

Mattias thrashes with your hand, opening the back door to the cold howling air, embraced by cheers,

“We love you guys.”

“I cried at your performance.”

“We’re coming tomorrow night”

“Lady Macbeth saved me.”

“I love you.”

Screams and shrieks were surrounding you, it’s not that you couldn’t believe it, but your heart was overpowered and overjoyed. So much in one sitting, your head turning in every which way, grabbing sharpies and scribbling your name as fast as possible.

One lady stands out, she’s quiet but vigilant, waiting for it to be her turn, and the closer you get you notice,

“Ms. Kim?” You could barely recognize her, it’s only been 4 months.

“My honey sugar, look at you!” She hugs you, tighter than a mothers hold, “Your teacher Mr.Miller gave me a shout and I booked my flight immediately, I couldn’t miss your Broadway performance.” She shakes her head.

“Ms. Kim, you didn’t have to do this, I could’ve sent you a picture, or a notecard, or a playbill.”

“Now that’s nonsense honey and you know that,” She swats your shoulder with her playbill copy, “Besides I know the whole team here, no need to worry I’m here for a week, so a coffee catch up is on your list after this weekend.”

The things that you could tell her.

“I miss you, I miss North Carolina.” You hug her again, breathing down her back, trying to not let people see your tears. She was there for you when you missed your mom, she was North Carolina in a summary, and you missed it so much.

“It’s okay sweetie, you were meant to leave that state it had nothing to offer, look at this,” She pointed at all the people, “This was your destiny.” She kisses you on the cheek, “I’ll text you for a coffee date, but go spend the night away.” She smiles.

“I love you!”

“I love you too honey.”

You leave her in the crowd, finding Mattias taking a picture with a group of girls. You tell him you’re gonna head back in to get your bag, to check your phone and possibly run into Laylah, find Frankie. Unlatching the door, the air rushing in your face, Laylah was already there with Bryce waiting for you.

“You did amazing! These flowers are for you,” They smother you, “The shock in the audience when you dropped to the floor, you stretched all of their hearts out.”

“Thank you.” You laugh, holding their hands, best friends working on Broadway together, your 16 year old selves would be thrashing down right now.

“My guys in the booth couldn’t believe they were at a college show, you and Mattias rocked it.” Bryce says.

“Thank you, that means the world. Seeing all the full seats was just fucking mind blowing and I’ll have to say that a million times to process.”

“We love you, were gonna get dinner now,” They wink, “See you tomorrow? Same time, same place?”

“Same time, same place.” You agree.

They grab your arm, pulling you close, “Get that dick tonight.”

You laugh so loud it refracts around you, we’ll see.

They leave you, content with the night. Smiling dumb because now finally you get to be with the man you’ve been itching to see.

You call him,

“Hey pretty girl, I was waiting to hear from you.”

“Sorry I was out signing playbills with Mattias. Working the night off.” You respond.

“Don’t be sorry, s’busy night for you. How d’you feel?”

“Good, Frankie, I feel amazing.” Seducing him over the phone, itching for him.

“That’s my star girl, shining so bright on that stage.” He smiles in the phone, you can feel it.

“Where are you right now?” You ask.

“In my car, just watching the sky.”

“And where would that be?”

“Behind the theater and the crowd, come find me princess.”

“Ok Playboy, I’ll see you in a second.”

You end the call, chucking your bag behind your back. You slowly walk to the door, finally entering a world you can’t step back out of. Reminiscing when you had no idea what the fuck you two were.

You sprawl out, no one would be here at this time of night. He’s smoking a cigarette, convertible top down. Collar open and his hat is off, puffed locks chasing every direction. He looks up to you.

“Frankie, an Ashton Martin Convertible?”

“Yeah.”

You stare at him, some fucking longer. “I don’t know, just an Ashton Martin roaming the streets, a really nice car I’ve only heard in books.”

“Would you feel better if you knew I saved a couple paychecks for this.” He raises his eyebrows.

“Sure.” So he had money, money. Double shit.

You get in and he stares at you, flickering between your lips and eyes. You could jump him now, but you had to wait. You liked the game.

“Food, bar, coffee, books, my house? What’s your wish tonight?” He holds your hand.

“Hmmm your house remember? Wouldn’t pass that up for a lifetime.” You remark.

He nods, setting the car in gear. You flicker your hands to his cigarette, he lets you take it and the drag of his menthol cigs felt smooth on your throat. Menthol and Frankie just make sense.

He’s playing Pink Floyd, blasting it through the dark streets of the city, and all you can do is smile stupidly. Your hair flying everywhere, hands perpetually finding the power of the wind, eyes closed.

You feel his hand sneak to your thigh, creeping to your body. Speaking to you through your mind. If his hand could do that now, what else would happen tonight? He moves further and further up your leg, eyes shooting open at him.

“What?” He turns to you, stopped at a light.

You grind your teeth, his hand was big enough to almost cover your whole thigh.

“You say something?” He smirks.

You wince as his hand lays on your skin, never moving but lingering so close where you crave his fingers.

A guitar ripple catches your attention from the speakers, he’s strumming to the beat on your thigh, and you can’t move.

“And we’re here darlin, what do you think?”

He parks in front of a modern brownstone, pillars glossing the entrance like a greek house. Bigger brownstone than usual. Everything about him makes sense, the expensive taste made sense, but this house was beautiful.

You take a breath, “It’s beautiful, Frankie. I couldn’t imagine anything different.” You’re scared to get out, but you itch to find what’s inside. He closes the top to the car, running around to open your door.

“Cmon pretty girl, don’t be shy.” He holds your hand out, he walks behind you up the stairs, punching in a code you looked away for.

“3570, didn’t need to look away baby, that codes yours.” He whispers to you, walking into his house.

Your first steps are met with roses, sprawled on the outskirts of the floor. His first floor, open for the world to see. Piles of roses, rose petals begging for your touch, he grabs your hips pulling you to him. “This is all for you.” You stand there with him, holding you. No man has ever gone this far to express something for you.

Grand piano deep into the room, kitchen with a marble island, champagne with two glasses full for you both, one staircase with golden spiraling leading to the top on the side. White columns and archways holding the house.

“And one person lives here?” You poke.

“Yes, but I quite enjoy it,” He lugs you closer to the kitchen to set your stuff down, “This is the house I dreamed of as a boy.”

“Well, it’s beautiful. I’ve never seen anything like this.” You ponder around like a child lost at Disney.

The back archway was all glass, you could see a light on outside to his backyard. His dining table to the wall of glass, next to the greenery. He had a conversational pit as his couch, dark green leather with faux fur overthrows. His TV was massive, and next to it were beautiful oil paintings.

He had shelves as a wall, lined with books and vinyls. Years of purchasing and collecting.

You take a peak, letting your hands run across the dusty spines.

“The Chakachas, João Gilberto…hmm Gerry Rafferty” You laugh, “Your music taste…is sexy Francisco.” He’s watching your every move.

“What can I say, I’m a cultured man.” He smugs a smile. He’s behind you, raining his fingers around your waist, you take Jungle Fever out of its sleeve, placing it on his record player.

“Just to set the mood don’t you think?” You snicker, “Have you seen Boogie Nights? You do look like a young Burt Renolds, scary kinda.”

“I get that sometimes, you like that darlin? Like broad-“ Kiss, “Hairy men?”

You dance with him to the music, listening to the women's moans of the song. Letting the dim lights glisten around his living room.

Moaning in his ear, grinding against him. Melting into his body.

“I love it.” You purr, “He was so sexy, don’t you think? That playboy pose he did made everyone in the seventies go crazy. I’d let him fuck me on spot if I was alive back then-”

He laughs, “Hmp, you wanna get fucked?” His head turns to the side, mouth curving open, with his eyebrows falling inward.

Your mouth falls, drooling over his voice. You hold onto his hair, sheething his body into yours, “Fuck me tonight Frankie, fuck me hard.” You whisper.

A lion raptures through his physicality, lifting you up to the closest thing, the Grand Piano.

“Frankie, we can't do anything here, I’ll break it!”

“I don’t care princesa, I don’t care, I’ll eat you out for hours and it could break, I’ll pay for another one.” He growls, “I need to taste this pussy now.” He set you down, looking you in the eyes as a rabid beast. His eyes were blown black, glaring at you for more.

He pulls your shorts down leaving you in just your shirt, your bottom half bare in front of him. “Mmh, no panties,” He chuckles, “What brought you to do this miel?”

“I figured there's no point, you’d rip them off anyway.” You shrug, head slating on the lid of the piano. Goosebumps rising on your body, the cold of the instrument touching your ass, air meeting the gloss of your entrance.

“Perfect fucking pussy, perfect fucking body. My girls so fucking perfect.” He spreads kisses down to your stomach, leaning when he reaches your mound. You grimace, you haven’t shaved in a long time.

“It’s okay baby, see?” He presses his hand on top of your sex, “Hair doesn’t change a thing how I feel about you. Hair doesn’t change a thing about how I want to fuck your brains out, okay?.” He kisses on top of your bush, shivering when you feel the wet of his lips with his mustache, nose bracing your clit. “I’m the only one that gets to touch your pussy like this, understand?”

You shake your head yes, “Only you can touch me.”

“Look at me, look at me while I destory your fuckin pussy.” He pushes your legs closer to him, eye level with your pussy. You wouldn't believe you’ve gone hours without this, without his tongue. He adamantly drives into your cunt, moaning as he shoves his tongue inside you.

He moans, the usual vibrations of his mouth floating through your lower abdomen. Cells inside your pussy sensationally fucked up from his mouth.

The tip of his nose would rub against your clit, he always managed to do it, but this time he was moving his face. His nose was creating circles against your nub, tongue squeezing the life out of you.

“Frankie- ngh- baby- feels so good- keep going-” You plead. Instead of grabbing his hair, you wrapped your hands around the edges of the piano, keeping your body from contorting due to the immense pleasure.

Your request followed through, he kept circling, shaking his head between your thighs. He would never let up, swallowing everything your cunt had for him.

“Pussy on my tongue, so tight. Pussy walls are quiverin for me baby.” He groans, dancing his hands to your stomach, legs dangling over his shoulders.

“Hold onto my hands dirty girl, I know you’re strong, cum in mouth.”

He raffles inside you more, squeezing his hands so your body doesn’t escape from his touch. Your clit suddenly buzzes, repeatedly shaking. Your walls come crashing on his tongue, he doesn’t stop pushing into you.

You scream for help, violently shaking against his hold. You couldn’t control your voice, begging for more. You can’t do anything other than yell because the movement form his tongue

“I’m gonna cum Frankie, I’m gonna cum on your tongue-” You cry.

“Give it to me, drip into my mouth.” His sinister base flows through your pussy, the room spins and you shriek against the piano. He sucks you clean from your orgasm, releasing his hold from you.

“Breathe baby, breathe.” The fuzziness of the lights die down, and his face comes in contact again.

“Your tongue- is fucking magical.” You drunkenly smile, “But I want more tonight. Please.” He pulls you off the piano, leaving a sweat mark on the top. You plant your feet to the ground, he holds your body up.

He chuckles, “Tell me what you want mi amour, what is it that you want?” He taunts.

“Fuck you, you know what I want.” You seethe.

“Ok,” He nods his head, “If you think I know, then fuck yourself for me. Go down to the couch, take your shirt off, and fuck yourself with your fingers.”

He had your full attention and you feel small, you’ve never done anything like this in front of a man.

“Go on princess, I’ll be right here.”

You faintly walk to his couch, slipping past the steps. You sit down at the edge of the couch, taking your shirt and shifting your bra off your chest. You’re completely naked in front of him, nipples begging for his touch.

“Play with yourself for me, pretty girl.”

You snake your hands down to your entrance, fiddling with your slick. You touch your clit, but it feels nothing like his hands.

“Frankie please, I need your cock.” You whine.

“You should’ve just said that, now look at you, yeah?” He walks to the steps, sitting down, “I need to you to cum on your fingers before I fuck you, I wanna see it.”

You hum, discoing your fingers on your clit, you imagine his cock finally slipping inside of you. What you’ve wanted since you’ve laid eyes on him.

“Push those fingers inside, think of my cock dirty girl.” He growls, looking you up and down.

You plunge your fingers inside, moving your hips against your hand. Wishing to have his thick cock inside you.

“Frankie, I’ll be so good, please. I want you inside me. I want you holding me down, I wanna be filled with you.” You mumble, terrorizing your hand.

“Wanna be a good girl for me? Fuckin tie you down, fuck you until soak me.” You shovel your fingers inside your cunt faster, imagining yourself restrained against his bed. His cock pushing into you at an unforgivable speed. “You’d like that huh dirty fuckin girl. Not able to move while I fuck your cunt, fillin you up til you feel it in your stomach.”

You slant your eyes open,” I want you to tie me up one night Frankie, be your-fucking rope bunny. Want you to use my pussy.”

“I wanna do everything with you, dirty girl, so perfect.”

You feel yourself tightening around your hand, his words making you interclose on your hand.

You would never be able to make yourself cum this fast because of your fingers, but because of him, because of his coaxing words, your own orgasm felt stronger.

“I can it hear baby, I see you leakin, cum for me, let go. Then I’ll give you my cock for as long as you want. Shove those fingers in for me.” He purrs.

You fall back on his couch, wavering your body to your orgasm. You gave a final push, laying stagnant from your orgasm. You watch him stroll to you from his steps.

He’s hungry.

“So gorgeous, so wet for me.” He smirks, “Now what do you want, so perfect and plump for me.”

“I want your fucking cock, I need you inside me Frankie.” You tremble.

He licks his lips, sitting down on the couch, “Don’t wanna do anything you’re not comfortable with pretty girl,” He moves your hair behind your ears, “Is this how you want me? Let me get a condom.”

You push him down, you should use a condom but you couldn’t be less botherd, “You could’ve fucked me in that bathroom and I would’ve cared less Frankie, fucking on this couch will be more than heaven,” And it is, “Don’t worry about a condom, I need to feel you bare.” He goes to object, but you shove your fingers to close his mouth.

Your eyes linger on his cock, he’s already swelling, “I wanna do everything with you Frankie, you could never make me uncomfortable.”

You close in to the crook of his neck, kissing him everywhere, praising him for making you feel so good, “I need you to fuck my brains out, make it hurt Frankie.”

Without blinking, he lifts you to his lap, placing your naked pussy on him. He kisses you sloppily on the lips, holding you close so you don’t fall, he growls possessing more of you.

“My beautiful girl, I’ve been waitin for this to happen, been dreamin of you sitting on my cock. I’m so glad we’ve waited, it’s gonna feel so good baby.”

You rub against him, letting your liquid leak all over him.

“I’ve been so good Frankie, I’ve been trying so hard not to think about your cock, when you were down my throat all I wanted was to be full of you everywhere.” And now-” You shimmy his shirt off, kissing his collar bones, rushing to his belt.

He flings it off slamming it to the ground, you look past it as it impacts the floor, making a hard whipping sound.

“Bet you’d like that naughty girl, fucking whip until you’re red. Tie you up with my belt.” You squirm against him, humping his bulge.

Images of Frankie whipping your ass with his belt, slapping your pussy, makes your brain short circuit.

He pulls his pants down with his boxers, flinging his cock out. You don’t remember it being this big. He was uncut and at least 8 inches. How could he fit inside you? The sight already making your pussy leak.

You rush your hands to his head, dangling your legs on his lap, pussy out for the world to see. You pull his foreskin back letting his precum bead down to your fingers.

“Feel s’good baby, fingers feel so good wrapped around my cock.” He grimaces.

You pump his dick, letting him grow against you, he keeps getting bigger and bigger. His tip was so pink, you wanted to suck him off like a lollipop. You wanted his dick down your throat. Embellishing in every way he can fill you up.

You lick his precum off your fingers, and he shoves his thumb in your mouth, “Suck.” He demands.

You enclose, treating his thumb like his cock. Swirling, letting every part of your saliva coat it.

He parts from you, soon attaching it to your pussy to moisten you up. He was going to stretch you so wide.

“Tell me if it hurts baby, please, I don’t want you to hurt.” He requests.

“I don’t care if it hurts Frankie, I need you to push me open. I need your cock.”

You shift until your lips are hovering over the head of his dick, waiting for him to pump into you. The tension was so thick you could barely breathe.

He carnally anchors into you, his cock magnetizing inside your cunt, the moment he surges into you, holding onto his shoulders stronger, you both gasp from feeling each other for the first time.

“Holy fuck, princesa you’re so tight.” He braces.

You try to move up from him but he attaches his hands to your hips and pushes you up and down. The air is eccentric and you’re so grateful you get to be so close to him, clasping on to his figure as he fucks into you.

He nips at your collar bone, lazily kissing you. Your hair disheveled from your body shaking.

“I love your cock, I love your cock. Oh my god- FuFuFuFuck.” You chant in his ear. The simplicity of having sex made you feel safe, this was more than magical. He was almost fucking your heart. He was so deep inside you, your mound was connecting to his base.

You loved when he was so dominant with you, you loved when he was in control, you loved Frankie.

“Fuck me- as hard as- you can. Use- my pussy.” You yelp.

The more you felt your pussy lips gripping onto his cock, the more you seized. The connection was beyond powerful. He aggressively slips into you, his tip touching that perfect spongy wall that would make you lose all will power.

“God darlin, love watchin those eyes roll back. Didn’t know you’d get this cock drunk baby. You love my cock so much?” He rasps.

“Spank me, please, slap my ass and fucking mark me.” You whine.

He lifts his hand, slapping your ass. He grabs onto your love handles, pulling you onto his dick harder.

“You like that? When my handprints on your ass? You want more?” He grunts.

You shake your head, and he continues, the sting firing your pussy up. His animalistic movements make you worship his soul, he matched your sex energy and you couldn’t be more thankful. You relished this moment, so grateful for Frankie.

He lusted over your tits, he slowed to kiss them, suck your nipples to hardened peaks. Somehow your heart hammered, watching him take care of every need your body craved, made you pussy twitch with his cock inside you. Watching his mouth wrap about your tits intensified your lust for him.

“I want you to do something for me,” He releases, “I want you to spell my name.”

“How-”

“Move your hips, move your hips with my cock still inside, ride me.” He stirs.

He intertwined his hands with yours, you back up from his chest preparing. He doesn’t lose your eyes for one second.

“F” You shake, his dick is everywhere inside your walls.

“R” You whine, the contact so slow and vivid, you could almost hear the colors off the walls.

“Keep going, that's it, just use that dick.” He coaxes.

“A” The tip of the A making his cock arch into you deeper than you could have ever imagined, you yell, soliciting for neighbors to hear.

“N”

“K” The ache in your pussy crying to cum, but you weren’t done. You knew you had to finish.

“I”

“E” You whimper, not able to sit straight any longer.

“Such a good girl, knew you could do it. My good fucking girl.” He kisses you, “I know what that pussy wants, I know she needs to cum. Wanna cum pretty girl?”

“Mhm, please Frankie. I-I was so good. I wanna cum on your cock. I’ll do anything, I’ll be so so good.” You plead.

His cock was intoxicating your brain, oxytocin so high you couldn’t think about where you were, only that Frankie was all you cared about in your life right now.

He aggressively hurls into you again, pinning your hands behind your back as he holds them in place. You couldn’t do anything but take his cock, you had to accept that he was gonna fuck you til you saw stars.

“You can do it baby, pussy’s already leakin all over me and the floor. She’s clamping around me. I wanna see that pretty face when you cum.” He finalized.

“Fran-Frankie keep going, I’m gonna cum I’m gonna cum,” You praise.

You couldn’t even process his words, half-lidded and half dazed, all you could focus on was your pussy devouring his cock. Him driving past you until you couldn’t hear. The power to force you knew your voice was giving out. You couldn’t touch him, but him holding your hands back made you grateful, your orgasm so powerful you felt as if you were gonna break his cock.

Your voice box cracks, you immediately fall against his chest, stagnant from movement with the only action you could do was breathe.

He lays there will you, wrestling his heart from fucking you so fast. You couldn’t open your heart, let alone walk.

He picks you up, he leaves his couch area and you sense he’s taking you upstairs. He saunters into a dark room, placing you on top of his duvet cover keeping the lights off. You couldn’t tell what his room looked like, but you felt like a vegetable. He came back to you, cleaning your entrance with a baby soft towel. He has to move your legs, you were unresponsive with the widest smile on your face, eyes slanted to only see that he was getting in bed with you.

He lifts the cover, tucking you in next to him. You snuggle against his chest, embracing your body heat, spooning into him. Your breathing falters, in sync with his.

He rubs his hands through your hair, making you fall asleep faster.

“I love you, mi amor.”

And that's the last thing you remember before sleeping off the best night of your life.

—

i love lady macbeth soooo much. looking into the meaning of her monologues are so powerful and she changed my thoughts on shakespeare 🔁🔁

previous || next

taglist: @pastelnap

36 notes · View notes

hannahssimblr · 11 months ago

Text

Chapter Six

I have Deja-vu when I return to the Tullamore stadium where I spent countless Sunday afternoons as a teenager, forced to sit at pitch side as Kelly roared her support for the players with a ferocity that always kind of pissed me off. She wasn’t into sports, not really, she just pretended that she was because she had this fantasy of one of the players spotting her by the barriers and coming over to ask for her number. Of course, none ever did, but eventually, when she was sixteen she talked her way into one of their after parties at the club house and kissed six of them one after the other with the same efficiency as a local politician handing out fliers at a shopping centre. She didn’t get any phone numbers either, just a crusty cold sore that hung around on her lip for two weeks.

Today, for the first time there is no Kelly by my side, and I realise upon entry that it’s been almost four years since I’ve set foot in this place. I don’t know why I thought it’d look different, but everything is the same, from the sun bleached plastic seats to the mud, grass, and leather smell in the air. I’ve changed but all these old places, they stay exactly the same. Claire links her arm with mine and we head down the steps towards our seats near the front. She’s wearing a Tullamore jersey. Most people on our side are too, painting one whole side of the stadium in blue and white. I’m just wearing a grey jumper. I had a matching jersey years ago, in fact I even went to the trouble of digging it out of the bottom drawer of the chest in my childhood bedroom earlier, but it’s girls size 13-14. It won’t even go over my chest anymore.

“Are you excited?” I say to Claire, who I expect to be beaming, but isn’t.

“Yeah I suppose.” She says.

“It’s a bit mad to be here together, isn’t it? Like, how many of these matches would you say you go to?”

“Oh God, like, probably all of them, I’m always stuck in these seats watching him.”

“You’re very supportive.”

“I’m a saint.”

My smile falters a bit, she doesn’t seem excited in the least. When I imagined her coming to these games I always had a picture in my mind of her cheering him on with voracious enthusiasm, hanging over the railings, chanting his name, but by the rather stoic expression on her face today I’m starting to doubt my own assumptions. “Not pushed about the match, no?”

She sighs. “No, it’s fine, I just… this has been a touchy subject between us lately.”

“Football?”

“It’s how much he wants to play it.”

I frown. “But he’s made it onto the senior team, surely it’s normal that it’ll take up a lot of his time.”

“Yeah it’s just like, he’s in fourth year in UCD now, I wish he’d just study or something, focus on his degree.”

“Oh.”

“There’s no future in football, like, he’ll never get paid for it and I just don’t want him to throw away his science degree because he’s too caught up with an amateur sport. There’s good money in pharmaceuticals if he works hard enough, and then we could start saving for a mortgage or a wedding, or I don’t know, kids or something.”

I nod, though it’s incredibly weird to hear her talk about such things now, at twenty one years old, when they seem lightyears away for me. A mortgage? I don’t even know how that works, never mind how I’d go about saving for one, but Claire has always been eager to settle.

“Is he struggling to balance both things?”

“Well, he isn’t really trying to. He’s just not doing his college work.”

“At all?”

She shakes her head. Her mouth becomes a thin line as she stares out over the pitch where the players have begun to filter out, shaking the hands of the other team, and I spot Shane for the first time, dressed in a blue jersey with stripes across his shoulders. He is powerful looking, even amongst all of the others. Two men in Helly Hansen fleeces and caps walk straight through my line of vision and settle into the seats directly in front of us, blocking out the view momentarily. By the time I regain my view of the pitch the players have all settled into their starting positions.

“I assume you’ve talked about this with him.” I say to Claire.

“Yeah of course, but I might as well be speaking to a brick wall. You know how he is with talking about things. At all. Ever.”

I hesitate. “He can be a bit withholding, for sure.”

“Never go out with an Irish man.” She declares. “They’ll only wreck your head.” I want to tell her that men from other countries haven’t been much more straightforward in my experience, but then the whistle blows and the match begins.

It’s true what they say in the newspapers about Shane Healy. He’s like a bolt of lightning on that pitch. He’s big, he’s quick and he’s aggressive, and yet there is something about his style of play that I didn’t expect to see. He’s like a child out there. The way that he practically skips along with the ball, lobbing it up into his hands and kicking it up the pitch makes it seem like he’s mocking the players around him, the ones who can’t catch him, can’t stop him.

I watch him possess the ball once again, drop it onto his right foot and neatly slot it through the goalposts for a perfect point. The crowd erupts into euphoric cheers, including me and Claire, who both laugh ourselves onto our feet and start yelling out for him. I’m not close enough to see him smiling, but I know he is, jogging around in a wide circle, clenching his fists in celebration.

The two men in front of us are muttering about something when we sit back down, and the only reason I tune in is because I hear them say his name. “Healy. Number fifteen. ” I nudge Claire and mutter “They’re talking about your boyfriend there.”

“What are they saying?”

We try to listen in, but the stadium is too loud to catch anything but the odd word. “I can’t hear.” I admit. “Are they Australian? Hardly.” The idea of a person coming all the way from the continent of Oceania to find themselves in a shabby Tullamore stadium, of all places, would be markedly strange.

“Oh, foreign men?” Claire drawls. “Maybe I should give one of them my number.” She slams her sunglasses onto her face, shielding her eyes from the sharp October sun, and we both put our focus back onto the pitch.

Beginning // Prev // Next

#lucky girl part 3 #funnily enough this was one of my favourite chapters #it feels like a real bottle episode or something idk #even though it isn't #but i liked that it took place in just two distinct places and very little happened and yet so much was moving in the background #people who have finished the story already might notice things on a reread that they didn't the first time

19 notes · View notes

archoniluthradanar · 2 years ago

Text

Daughter's Day : a sequel to Father's Day

A man and woman entered the castle through the front door, just like a tourist might when led in by Heidi to their ill-fated demise. They walked the long badly-lit corridor, then entered the elevator that took them to a lower floor. The doors slid open, and the pair strode past the secretary, who protested vehemently in Italian. The woman took the hand of the man walking beside her, leading him deeper into the snake pit.

"Stay close to me," she hissed the warning to him.

The handsome young man smiled and held her hand tighter. "I'm not afraid, sweetheart."

"I know you're not. You never were. That's why I fell in love with you." She stopped walking, and turning to the man, gave him a kiss.

His blue eyes sparkled, even in this dull light. His smile, as always, touched her unbeating heart in a way no one else ever had. When they had first met, she thought him pompous and arrogant. But later, Adara realized that he was just that intelligent. Few men sparked her mind, after all the education she'd received over the centuries. Before him, only Aro...her father... had been one to open her mind to so many things.

"Come on, dear heart, we have to keep moving."

The man nodded and walked beside Adara, hoping for the best. When he lived in London, the women there seemed too bland and uninteresting. Then he moved to America where he ended up in Los Angeles. One day, while looking over shelves in the L.A. central library for books about philosophical science, he had met the most amazing woman. She was beautiful, intelligent, witty, and spoke as if she were from another time.

On their first non-date, they had argued over coffee about their individual views on life, but he noticed she had not taken one sip of her now-cold beverage. When they left the coffee shop, they had almost gone their separate ways, but he had turned and ran after her, then demanded her phone number. Yes, he actually demanded it. And she gave it to him, then kissed his cheek before floating away. She was so graceful, it was as if she floated an inch over the sidewalk. It had to be an illusion, he told himself. But after a year, he knew he was in love with her. Adara Volturi was the woman he was going to marry.

She ended up agreeing with him. "I know you love me," she had said, before hugging him while laughing low. "What's even stranger is I love you too."

Six months later, he had proposed, and they had moved in together. Then they eloped to South Lake Tahoe, marrying one Saturday, with only a few close friends in attendance.

They proceeded on down the corridor that appeared as medieval as they come. The man knew the family was old, but the reality of it was only just hitting him now.

Adara saw several of the guards stop what they were doing to glance at her as they passed by. They nodded at Adara as a courtesy because she was Master Aro's daughter, but they frowned at the man beside her.

The man felt completely safe as long as he was with Adara, but he knew his continuing survival would rest in the hands of her father. Destroying people was something he was expert at, according to Adara. Judge, jury, and occasional executioner was how she had described him. No one was safe from Volturi punishment, not vampire nor human, if they believed you guilty of a crime.

The couple came to a set of heavy wooden doors with large metal doorknockers hanging on each side. Adara didn't bother to use them. She reached out and easily pushed the doors open. Entering the throne room unannounced was something she had done often, never having to ask permission, so why start now.

Aro was speaking with Marcus, when he heard the doors open and turned to see Adara entering. Stunned, he got up from his throne and walked down the three steps to the main floor. She had returned home. His eyes glanced at the man who stood quietly at her side.

"Hello, Uncle Marcus, Uncle Caius." She smiled at both men seated on their own thrones and who also seemed shocked at her return.

Aro walked up to Adara and gazed at her, a wide smile on his face and pleasure in his eyes. "Come to my office, daughter. We will talk."

Adara gripped her husband's hand, letting him understand he was safe here. They followed Aro to his office, noticing several people unfamiliar to her watching them as they passed. Adara was satisfied knowing as long as they were with Aro, no one would dare touch the lone human in the castle.

Once in his office, Aro indicated they should sit on the leather sofa, while he took the chair at his desk. He smiled at his daughter. "It might have been nice had you notified us of your impending return home, Adara. We could have had a proper welcome waiting for you."

"I wasn't sure I was coming back until two days ago. I've been happy for the last three years, Father. And in fact, it was Julian who convinced me to do this. To come here to make my peace with you."

"Julian?" Aro eyes moved to the man sitting at Adara's side.

"Yes, Father, this is Julian Tyler, my husband."

"Husband?" Aro could smell the scent that betrayed the man's nature.

"Humans don't call them mates, Father."

Aro's eyes flashed. "I know what a husband is, daughter, but he is human!" Aro compared the tanned flesh of the human male to the beauty of Adara's iridescently pale skin. His hair was dark brown, with dark eyebrows that framed clear blue eyes. Human eyes. Aro noticed his daughter's hand grasping the human's, as if to reassure him. How touching, he thought. He didn't know she was the one drawing strength from her husband.

When he saw Adara glare at him, he relented and gave her a pleading look. "I've missed you since the day you left us. You do understand I did not force you to return. I could have had Demetri track you down and drag you back home, but I did not." He stood. "Will you not embrace your father, Adara?"

She looked over at Julian, who nodded.

Aro bit back a retort to her action he felt was an insult to him. How could she ask the human for permission to embrace her own father. Instead, he held his arms open.

Adara stepped up to Aro, feeling his arms close around her. She leaned into him, and for a brief moment, forgot her reasons for leaving Volterra. She just held her father tightly, then gave him a kiss on his cheek. Adara stepped back, expecting to see censure in his eyes. There was none. When he gestured for her to sit, Adara moved to re-join her husband on the sofa.

Aro had almost begged for his daughter's forgiveness when she hugged him. He had missed her more than anything, yet could not show any demonstrative behavior in front of the human who was obviously able to give her what he had not. Unconditional love.

No one said anything for three whole minutes. Finally, Aro asked, "Does he know?"

Adara looked at her husband and smiled. She turned back to Aro and replied, "Everything."

"How did this happen?" Aro sat back in his seat, his hands clasped together.

"Julian is English. He moved to America almost five years ago. We met at the public library. Later, he invited me for coffee and we discussed..."

"Argued." Julian said, interrupting.

"All right, love, argued," Adara continued. "about the philosophy of science."

Aro lowered his head to hide his smile. She was still her father's daughter.

"He noticed I hadn't drunk the coffee he bought for me. He's a very observant person. But he still asked me out again. It wasn't long before we knew we were in love, Father."

Aro raised a brow. "And you told him what you are?"

"Not right away. But as I said, he's very observant. He noticed I shied away from direct sunlight. After many dates, he came to the conclusion I never ate or drank. One time, he caught me without my contact lenses on. I had no choice but to explain. I feared once he knew, I would lose him." She felt his hand squeeze her hard cold one. She looked over at him, bumping her shoulder against his playfully. "But he didn't leave."

"Why didn't you change him?" Aro asked.

"Without his permission? I wouldn't do that."

"She asked me, sir, and I refused. That was that." Julian wasn't really ready to make such a literal life-changing decision, and Adara had said she would give him the time he wanted to decide. She hoped he would agree since she did love him, and didn't want to lose him to a wasteful thing like death. In the mean time, they lived in a nice city apartment like any married couple. They had friends, used the onsite pool when it was cloudy out, and gave parties. Adara avoided the sun, food and drink, but still managed to enjoy her life. She and Julian made love as any couple would, with Adara being careful not to lose complete control over her passions. It actually excited Julian when he thought of what she could do to him if she happened to lose control.

"Unacceptable," Aro barked. "If you two remain here, he must be changed as soon as possible, daughter."

Adara glanced up at Aro. "Who said we were staying, Father?"

Aro's eyes went wide. Confusion took the place of annoyance. She had returned to Volterra to what, gloat? Show him what little respect she had for her heritage, her birthright? To force this human on him, then go back to America to live the pretense of a mortal life? He rubbed his forehead, then peered at Adara, his crimson eyes focused on hers currently hidden beneath blue contact lenses. She was home, and had no need for them here, so why hadn't she removed them?

"Father, Julian is my mate, if you will. We're happy in America. If you ever want to visit us, you will be more than welcome. The truth is, I love you so very much. But we can't live this life you've constructed for the coven. If Julian wants to be like us, I'll change him myself. And we will continue to live the life we have chosen for ourselves."

Aro wished he could read them both, but declined to ask. He knew what their answer would be anyway. If he wanted to keep Adara in his life, he had to acquiesce to her demands. If the human made her happy, what more could he, as her father, want. He would have to hope as the years continued to pass, Julian would decide immortality with Adara was better than dying.

"Father, are you all right? You seem very quiet."

Aro stood and walked to the other side of the desk. He sat on its edge, looking down at the couple. "I have decided that you are independent of the Volturi, Adara. I just want you to be happy. I like the idea of visiting you in America. And of course, having you two visit us here."

Adara laughed. HE decided. "Yes, Father, thank you. And Julian, thank you for advising me to come here." She leaned in and kissed him.

Aro rolled his eyes and waited for Adara to move away from the human. He leaned down to be closer to the human. "Take good care of my daughter. If anything happens to her, or if I hear she's unhappy, I will not wait to come after you."

Julian's brows raised, his expression one of amused fear. "Yes, sir. No need to worry on any account. She is as important to me as she is to you."

Aro merely said, "Uh huh. Now if you need money, you've only to ask. Money is never an issue."

Adara protested. "Father! We don't need your money. We just wanted your...approval."

Aro reached down and taking Adara's hand, kissed her knuckles. "You have that, my beloved daughter."

Adara had noticed that Aro was wearing her ruby ring. She felt a pang of regret. As hard as it was to articulate, she placed her hand on Aro's arm. "Father, may I have my ring back? I was sorry I had left it behind. It was supposed to be hurtful to you, but it only hurt me once I realized what I had done. Please forgive me."

Aro removed the too-small ring from his finger, and placed it on Adara's hand. He then kissed the ring before hugging Adara. He murmured in her ear, "Non c'è niente da perdonare."

He rose from the desk. "Now stay with us for a few days. Marcus and Caius would love to see you, I'm sure. Show your mate...your husband around the castle, if you wish. Go into town. Have some fun." He faced the human his daughter had chosen to love. Aro placed his hand on the man's shoulder. "Thank you for bringing my daughter home." Then all three of them left the office to return to the throne room and the other waiting masters.

#the volturi #aro volturi #twilight fanfiction #volturi fanfiction

20 notes · View notes

anaesthesia-why · 2 years ago

Text

i've been thinking about rewriting a couple of 2000s-early 2010s russian tv shows that i used to like a bit before i became a radfem but with each new glimpse at them after i found rf i found more and more misogyny so... a question. i don't wanna be that hetero that just assumes things so I wanna ask actual lesbians if any lesbians in denial overcompensate by trying to date a lot of men to convince themselves they are "normal"?? or is it just a stereotype?

I just don't want to change the time setting, to keep it more or less realistic, even though the shows ran when i was just a baby, one started before my birth even if i remember correctly, so i don't know everything about the situation then, but i more or less have the grasp on what mentality people used to have. if i were to go all out i'd even research the types of phones and computers that were used/available then and political stuff too but for now i want to focus on the interactions between the main characters. like i've been thinking about the rewrites for almost 2 years??

so considering russia is a bit culturally behind europe and us, let's say 10-15 years, and the characters's birth dates from the first show were like 1970-1975 (the were 30-35 in 2003?? or smth) (or even earlier years) (i always assumed '68 and '72 more specifically though bit sometimes i thought they were the same age so i gotta figure out what works better)

i just. i want to write something but the story i started a couple years ago (and only write like a couple chapters every summer lol) is a naive bl (ye i found rf by that time but. habits). I'm bad at original stuff but i have a lot of passion to "fix" things that have SOME potential or when i want the characters to have justice. bc the way stuff happened in the shows is so frustrating. the amount of misogyny the characters had to put up with. competing for a worthless male's attention. and so on. in the other one turning a goth poet into a housewife and a mom by 19!! and smart girl loving a dumdum guy 4 years older than her and staying to help him in the grade she was in instead of advancing and going through the school program fast bc she's a genius. and then going to a police college instead of like any prestigious uni, also for him. been thinking about making goth girl a lesbian so she doesn't fall in love with the guy she married OR making him a girl with who she can have a normal relationship bcs he was a great character at first they just butchered him so fn much. the other girl should just not make friends with the dum at all and ever. let an intellectual character be a snob when a 17 yr old doesn't know how to write most of the words properly and needs help with every class. she's 13 and just has to formally finish school.

why did i write all this. i'm sorry the question from the 1st paragraph still stands. stereotype or real? can be used for writing or not?

#radfems do touch #radfems do interact #radfems please touch #radfems please interact #writing #rewrite

5 notes · View notes

regular-lord-reckoner · 1 year ago

Text

welp, we got scammed by a plumber today, lol

we suspected that we had a leak but our most recent ridiculous water bill confirmed that, so my mom reached out to a plumber to come out and take a look

one of the mechanisms inside the toilet on both mine and my mom's were broken so that was part of it, but there's also apparently a leak under the house as well

some guys came out to look at it and said they'd be back out to replace those parts and then get under the house and fix that one so okay, great

except when the guy shows up today he's like, "oh, the other guy actually fixed the one under the house when we were here last" which like...??? why didn't you just say that, then??

but okay, whatever, maybe it somehow slipped his mind?

in any case, our family friend went behind him today and pretty quickly realized he didn't replace any parts in the toilet at all and actually made the problem worse!!

all he did was turn the water down so that it didn't seem like it was leaking anymore so thank fuck for our friend who checked and then went to the store to get the parts and replaced them himself

he was watching him at one point but got distracted because he got an email about a job offer on his phone so he was trying to set up that interview and wasn't observing him as closely, but dude definitely just brought in pieces to supposedly replace the broken ones and yet it's still the same broken ones that are in the toilet; you can tell because they've got wear and tear damage and our family friend said that when he was looking at them in the store that the design doesn't even look like that anymore so...yeah. total shitshow.

i know at one point during both "repairs" he had to go out to his vehicle (which wasn't even a van or anything, it was a fucking mercedes sedan) to get something (and hilariously at one point he came back with a tool that was way too big for the job he was doing) so my guess is he just ditched the new parts back in his car right then and left the old ones in place and called it a fucking day assuming we wouldn't take the tank off and have a look for ourselves or that we wouldn't know the difference, i guess??

i also don't know what the fuck he did in my bathroom but my bath mat ended up soaked and he also grabbed one of my towels i had hanging up to mop up the rest and claimed it was "already there on the floor"

no the fuck it was not, but just goes to show how much of a liar this dude is (which as an aside like...you can use my towels, it's not really about that, it's just the audacity to lie like that when i know for a fact that fucker was hanging up on the door)

in any case, we've been blowing his shit up on yelp and wherever else and my mom knows people who are from where he is and would be delighted to tell everyone what a piece of shit he is and to not do business with him. i hope to god he never gets to rip another person off ever again

hilariously, their yelp page didn't have any reviews on it before today and when we mentioned that on the phone he claimed it was because he doesn't want to pay for them (as if he's sooooo honest he would never!!) but now since my mom left a review all of a sudden there's a bunch of reviews from i'm assuming his friends and family all like "great business, you guys helped a lot!!"

pretty sure you're not allowed to falsify reviews to boost your 1 star rating so i called that out in my own yelp review and now i'm not seeing those as recommended comments anymore and it's back to 1 star so...that's funny

anyway, i wish this bitch the absolute worst in life and best of fucking luck to you, dude, because if there's one thing my father couldn't stand in this world it was men who do shit like that.

and i know my dad's up to some shit in the afterlife as well because our family friend had some family he hasn't talked to in over a decade reach out to him out of the blue and it's been a really positive and good thing for him and it's just like...what are the chances, y'know? (and it wasn't like, "oh hey, man, haven't talked to you in a while!" it was like...a door that had closed that he never thought would open again and now it's just...wide open! thanks, dad :3)

a lot of good things have been happening to people he's cared about, actually, so i just cannot wait for this dude and his scam of a business go down in flames

makes me sick to my fucking stomach to think of how many people he's probably taken advantage of and who just didn't know any better. that trick he pulled on us probably would have worked until it inevitably got worse but that could take a while and by then we wouldn't automatically assume it was him but rather just our rotten luck, y'know? just absolutely despicable.

#i also may have put a curse on him :)#enjoy it bitch!!#i hope all scammers go to hell forever

4 notes · View notes

angelholme · 2 years ago

Text

V, V, V — Day 22 : Muppet

I’ve never entirely understood why muppet is used as an insult, because ever since I was a kid (which, lets be honest, is almost since the dawn of time — I am surprisingly old and while I know the universe has been around a lot long before I was born it does, sometimes — when people ask things like “what was life like without the internet?” or “what’s an LP?” or “did phones really have those wheels on them?” it does feel like I have been around since before the flood, or at least like I could have attended the crucifixion) the Muppets have been a guiding force in my life.

Not Sesame Street — I think because of the whole being British thing, we had far more Muppet Show than we did Sesame Street.

No — mostly we had The Muppet Show, which was typical Sunday night (or more accurately Sunday afternoon) viewing.

And it lead to the films, which is where I think I depart from typical wisdom, because I didn’t really like “The Muppet Movie” as a film, and as songs go, I don’t like “The Rainbow Connection” or “It’s Not Easy Being Green”.

I mean — don’t get me wrong — they are not truly awful songs, but if there is something you will have learned about me by now (and hopefully after three weeks of entries you have learned more than one thing, otherwise you may have to go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect 200 Galleons) it is that I am not that big a fan of sentimental schmaltz. And if there is one thing you can say about “It’s not easy being green” and “The Rainbow Connection” is they have schmaltz by the bucket load.

But other songs — Mah-na Mah-na, Simon Smith, Upidee, The Rhyming Song, Lady of Spain, Happy Feet (who doesn’t love a frog tap-dancing on a CD?) — these are songs that speak to me, even as a kid.

And then you have the Muppets themselves. We’re told they are family entertainment — and they do pass themselves of as such, given they are in a theatre, putting on a variety show.

However the entire premise is that they are anarchists (which, for reasons I am not certain of, I always tend to read as anti-christs). They rebel against the owner of the theatre, they rebel against each other and their entire purpose is to cause as much mayhem and chaos as possible.

And this is the management — once you get into the acts (who regularly eat the guest stars) it just gets even more entertaining and even more anarchic.

I am not entirely certain if my parents knew what the values they were teaching us when we were watching this — if they believed they were just showing us “good, wholesome family entertainment” or if they knew they were teaching us how to (basically, for all intents and purposes) rebel and blow shit up. And I mean that quite literally because…….. I mean — just look at Gonzo. And Crazy Harry. They live for blowing shit up.

Also the “house band” — I admit I didn’t entirely get this at the time, but Floyd and Janice were most definitely……. well I think their watches were set at 4:20 for most of the time, if you catch my drift.

Then finally you come to Waldorf and Statler. Two old fashioned gentlemen who were the height of respectability and who spent their entire time mocking the performers.

Again — this wasn’t something I was aware of at the time, because it was something that filtered into my brain via osmosis rather than direct learning, but I think that seeing two old men mocking the performers gave me the idea that a) it was fine to be cynical, sarcastic and generally snarky about almost anything in life and b) having respect for one’s elders was not something I needed to do because one’s elders were twats.

So as a result I grew up being cynical, sarcastic and snarky about almost everything in life, and having very little respect for my elders (at least by default) because of what I learned from The Muppets.

I know I have said this a lot this month, but The Muppets had quite an effect (affect?) on my personality growing up. (To be fair the reason I have said it a lot is because I am writing all about me, and so most of what I write about are things that have quite a big affect — effect — on me so really is it any surprise that most of them wrote themselves into my DNA?)

They also had quite an impact on my humour as well — Diana Rigg’s line from “The Great Muppet Caper” is one I’ve used over and over, as is Kermit’s from The Muppets Take Manhattan.

There are other works from the late and truly great Mister Henson that changed the way I look at the world — and changed the way I look at the people in the world.

“Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered…….”

“When single shines the triple sun…….”

When I was a kid, you could generally complete one of these two speeches, but not both. And (weirdly) — more girls could complete the first, and more boys could complete the second. Sounds odd, but it was true. Not sure if that is the case now, but back then I am pretty sure that was the case.

And, of course, one of the greatest and wisest beings of the time was….. a muppet. Even if he couldn’t talk proper. (Talk proper, he couldn’t).

For me, calling someone a Muppet is possibly the highest form of praise — they are the greatest heroes of our time. Better than the Avengers, better than The Justice League. They will live forever and when the world needs them they will be here to save us.

They are all we need. And perhaps — maybe — the vampire from Sesame Street.

Although, on reflection, they probably don’t need his help. So he doesn’t count.

6 notes · View notes

lebihanto-universe-blog · 4 months ago

Text

Be Irresistible, Click Here Lewis is the host of The School of Greatness podcast and the author of The Mask of Masculinity. An icon of American ... could you do me a quick favor if you're listening to this please hit the follow or subscribe button it helps more than you know and we invite subscribers in every month to watch the show in person am i doing everything in my power to live the way i want to live because if it could be over in a moment i got to shift my attention to things that really matter our next guest has quite a resume a former professional football player turned lifestyle entrepreneur who was making millions of dollars in helping others achieve their dreams new york times best-selling author school of greatness please welcome lewis you have been very very open about the abuse you suffered when you were five i mean i knew something was wrong i knew something was off every single day for 25 years i thought about it i needed to heal the memories of the past in order to create a healthy relationship with myself and others in the present the challenge is most men have not been taught how to effectively communicate their guilt their insecurities constantly working on yourself is huge in intimacy in relationships what is the single biggest killer of relationships i'm gonna say something right now that you're probably not gonna like so without further ado i'm stephen bartlett and this is the diary of a ceo i hope nobody's listening but if you are then please keep this to yourself [Music] lewis i have to start with a with a point of gratitude which is thank you so much for doing this you are and i don't say this lightly but you are one of the real inspirations for me in this whole podcasting content space because you've been you're like the goat in my eyes you've you're the guy that did it first in in our space and did it best at the same time but not just that when i got to meet you maybe a month ago in dubai i was pretty much in awe of a bunch of things that i noticed about you that really set you apart one of them was this real unbelievable self-awareness which i talked to my team about before you got here i said he's one of the most self-aware guys that i've ever met because he's done and doing the work and the second thing is there's actually probably three things that come to mind the second thing is your genuine curiosity about humans on a very deep level because we'd be having we were having a conversation at 2 a.m in a bar and if there was a moment of silence it would be interjected by you with like a tell me three things that you're your biggest failings in life or three things and i just thought this is a guy that doesn't want to mess around at surface level with small talk and things that don't matter and then the third point which kind of links to those two in some way is your unbelievable ability to speak and deliver a concept or an idea with wisdom and a personal anecdote attached in a way that's captivating to the point that people don't tune out when you're talking and i don't i'm not blowing smoke up your ass but i genuinely was like i need to learn this specifically that delivery of ideas and having seen you on jay's and tom bill used podcasts i saw it then again and it's a culmination of all that self-awareness and practice but there was something else which you showed me when we were in dubai having that conversation at 2 am in the morning which is where i wanted to start our conversation today which was the the screen saver of your phone that really stayed with me yeah can you tell me what the screensaver of your phone is this is uh yeah i don't know if you guys for those watching on youtube i don't know if you guys can see this but this is a photo of myself uh when i'm probably about five years old and i put it on there a year ago because i was doing some intensive i would say inner child healing with a therapist i was working in in a in another relationship that i was ending i was ending a relationship

and i realized that in relationships in the past i was repeating a pattern of people pleasing of saying yes to things that i didn't want to say yes to of changing and shifting who i authentically was in order to try to please or make someone else happy and a lot of it came from the dynamics of my childhood from being sexually abused from having just a challenging let's say family dynamic with parents and things like that and so for years i was never taught on how to deal with my inner child i never was taught how to heal the things that i was really wounded as a child and so having these experiences of intensive emotional intelligence and therapy training on dealing with previous relationships and then in the current relationship was extremely helpful for me and my my therapist said we got to heal that part of your life that is attached to a memory of a wound and unless you heal that you're to keep repeating certain patterns and so that's why i have that on there and i'm actually going to change it to a different period of time in my life when i was about 11 to 12. that's the next phase of growth for me is to actually heal that next stage so that's why i do it what was the world and the perception of the world that that five-year-old lewis house saw and felt what was he feeling and seeing oh man he was abandoned he was abused he was taken advantage of he was unworthy he was unlovable and that was what i believed and so it's hard to create a meaningful relationship with myself and with another person if that story or narrative or belief was still there for me which it was unconsciously so i needed to heal the memories of the past in order to create a healthy relationship with myself and others in the present and where did that story come from that he was unlovable i've heard you describe yourself even as thinking you were dumb thinking you you couldn't you weren't worthy of friendships and things like that where did all of that i mean it was all from real life experiences and results that i was experiencing so just getting picked on as a kid feeling neglected from parents and family members feeling you know again sexual abuse that i dealt with and struggling throughout school my entire childhood until it took me seven years to finish college i was in the bottom of my class in school elementary middle and high school and so the narrative was there were real world results that were showing me that i was unlovable or being taken advantage of or abused or these things and so that stayed with me and this is why i built a persona or really a mask i tried to mask it and defend myself by becoming a great athlete by getting bigger faster and stronger so that i could defend myself against the feeling of being taken advantage of or abused but that didn't leave me feeling fulfilled it left me feeling angry and resentful when you were you you have been very very open about the abuse you suffered when you were five from a babysitter's son i believe yeah did you understand at the time that it was abuse no i had no idea i mean i knew something was wrong i knew something was off but i didn't know i mean as a five-year-old i don't think anyone really knows how to emotionally handle that or emotionally regulate or understand what's really happening at that time but it was something that i lived with for every single day for 25 years i thought about it i thought about the instant whether it be consciously or unconsciously it was coming up it might be a second or it might be minutes long of a memory but it came up pretty much every every day for 25 years until i went through it a transformational workshop experience that got me to finally face it and it wasn't until i faced it and started to integrate the healing of that moment that i felt like i was a prisoner for so long until it set me free of actually talking about my shame expressing it communicating it with my friends my family and then eventually i did a podcast about it which took me about

six months to publish because i recorded it and i waited six months because i said if people knew this about me no one would love me my business is over i'm gonna have no friends if people actually knew how shameful this thing was for me and i think that was the biggest fear but what i realized this was back in 2013 i mean the end of 2013 early 2014. and i thought my i literally thought my life was over i was like no one is gonna love me but i i also thought to myself i can no longer be a prisoner inside with this information i need to let it out and if i can help one man heal from what they've been through then it's worth it i'm happy to lose everything if i can help one man and it was one of the most profound experiences and and really spiritually freeing experiences of my life was opening up talking about it and the aftermath was so powerful for weeks i was getting essays from men opening up saying you know i'm married i've got three kids i'm 55. my wife and kids don't know and i've been holding this with me for this long it happened to me when i was 11. you know men opening up about all the different experiences of sexual abuse or trauma that they face with the challenge is most men have not been taught how to effectively communicate their shame their guilt their insecurities there's not many guys that grow up i don't think you had guy friends when you were 12 15 18 23 saying you know what can we just have a coffee and talk about how shameful i feel about my my uh my past right now or i don't only feel that good today let's talk about it or my body image is kind of off like we don't do that generally as men we're not taught how to do that in society but when you ask women how often do you meet with a girlfriend on a weekly basis to talk about your shame your insecurities the challenges you're dealing with in your relationships struggles at work whatever it might be women typically say they they meet with their girlfriends every week if not every single day they'll have a conversation with a girlfriend a sister a mom about a challenge or just what's on their mind but we just haven't been taught that so i started i really wanted to change the narrative and be a model there was no one that looked like me growing up that talked about these things there was no athlete that i admired that was like on tv saying i've been sexually abused or i went through childhood trauma or i didn't love myself or i struggled with insecurities growing up i just didn't see that growing up as a kid so my goal was to be a model of saying you know i'm willing to lose everything if i can help men heal because i truly believe a lot of the pain caused in the world is caused by men who have massive wounds who are reactive because they don't know how to handle or regulate their emotions and so they react in certain scenarios whether it be domestic violence domestic abuse war uh just reactions on social media causing more stress screaming in a workplace whatever it might be driving here in london just people honking at the horn because they're they don't know how to handle their inner wounds their emotional regulation and i feel like if all humans but men specifically can continue to learn these tools it'll be powerful but we weren't taught this in school there was nothing in school that was like okay emotional regulation 101 class there was none of this it was just suck it up be a man toughen up don't you know we don't talk about these things so and i think the world has been shifting over the last four or five years as well where it's more acceptable for men to talk about it with you know social media in a good sense allowing men to be more vulnerable and kind of lifting these conversations up about mental health so i'm seeing that shift but i just didn't see that or have a model when i was growing up in terms of models when you were growing up could you tell me a little bit about the dynamics of your parents as well because i've heard you describe the early

life and um yeah the quote that i read from you was that they were miserable times and the tension in the house impacted you and your siblings yeah i mean i grew up it's challenging because my father just passed away a month and a half ago and for 17 years he he got in an accident 17 years ago with a car accident where a car came up on his car hit him through the windshield and split his head open he was in a coma for a few months had severe brain trauma stayed alive miraculously but just had a challenging 17 years where he never fully recovered so it was a it was an interesting dynamic with my dad the last 17 years growing up as the youngest of four my siblings i feel like probably had it worse than me they had to deal with you know 20 year old parents my parents were 20 when they had my brother and then 24 when they had my sister and then 28 when they had my other sister then they had me at 31. so they had to deal you know grow up with parents who didn't have these tools either so i have a lot of grace for my parents because they didn't have the tools of emotional regulation or how to communicate effectively or how to process wounds and i think if you don't know how to process wounds it's going to be hard to just interact without being defensive or reactive or you know all these different things passive aggressive so i grew up for the first 13 years of my life in fear in fear i knew my parents loved me but there was this like energy that felt fearful and i was afraid of my father he was pretty angry he was an angry guy and he would he was super loving but then he would explode at times because he didn't know how to process emotions and he had wounds and so that was the challenging thing it was it was confusing and they weren't loving towards each other so i didn't feel safe my brother went away to prison when i was eight years old for for four and a half years so every weekend we would travel two years two hours to go to a prison visiting room and see my brother for a few hours so i was exposed to things that i probably shouldn't have been exposed to at eight years old until 12 which expanded my mind and my my my world view and my perception of people but also it's just challenging to have a sibling in jail for that long and dealing with the dynamics of that yeah it was just a it was a challenging time but at 13 i begged my parents to send me away i went to a private boarding school at 13 uh from middle school and high school and i couldn't get away fast enough they didn't send me away because i was a bad kid i begged them to send me away because i didn't feel safe at home i really want to dig into that what was it your dad's anger and his anger directed i guess uh you or your siblings or all of us yeah all of us but it wasn't all the time you know so again he was a loving guy he would tuck me into bed at night he would play catch with me in the backyard but then there'd be but then it'd be an explosion and we just didn't know when it would be and so the beautiful part about my dad is he had a massive transformation when i turned 13. he started to dive into the emotional intelligence training workshops and and seeking wisdom on how to process his emotions and he had incredible you know healing transformation so from 13 to 21 i had this incredible relationship with my dad he would fly out to all my games he would be so loving and supportive he wasn't angry he wasn't reactive he had this transformation so it's almost like i had two lives with my dad the first half of first 13 years i loved him but i was also afraid of him 13 to 21 he was like my best friend and so when he got in his accident when i was around 21. it was devastating because now i didn't have a mentor that now was showing up in a different way was loving was vulnerable i saw him cry a lot more i saw him just be sensitive so when he got his accident i didn't have that anymore he wasn't able to have that relationship with me because of the brain accident and this

was a time when i felt like i needed it the most right i went to go play arena football i went to go chase a dream i got injured in at the end of the first season had a surgery with my wrist and at that time was 2000 end of 2007 2008 the economy was crashing in usa people weren't hiring those who had master's degrees i barely graduated with a you know just a general degree i'm living on my sister's couch for a year and a half i've got no money i've got no mentorship from my father and so in a sense it was almost like this is the weird thing when i reflect back on it because i don't think i would be the man i am today without his accident although i wish he didn't have the accident i don't think i'd be in service i don't think i would care about people as much i don't think i'd be on a mission to want to change lives and serve millions of people around the world i don't think it'd be doing an interview show or a podcast i don't think you'd be writing books or all these things but something shifted within me because he was physically alive but emotionally and mentally not there so i didn't have that access to a relationship something shifted in me where i couldn't rely on him for money for kind of that wisdom i had to i just had to unleash something new that was that i didn't think was inside of me and i don't know if your parents are still around or if your dad is still oh yeah yeah something shifted in me 17 years ago when my dad got in the accident and then something shifted even more in the last month and a half when he passed that it's hard to explain i don't know i haven't really fully processed it it's still kind of a processing time and there's some a lot of gratitude and memories but a lot of sadness tied to it but i just don't think i'd be the man i am without his accident because it made me unleash something inside of me that was untapped when i met you in dubai every topic you talked on you talked on as if you'd processed it and done work on it and you had a perspective on it and then when you spoke about your dad it was like the end of what we call a cul-de-sac getting to the end of the street where there's nowhere else to go it was like you hadn't the conversation ended there and you would look down at the floor yeah and i knew i'm so sorry to hear of your loss by the way but i could see that it was still something that you're like there was two kind of suspicions i had one was that you you were still processing it of course yeah but the second was that there was a profound lesson somewhere there because of the pause you took and the way that you looked at the floor and but on every other topic you were like illuminated it's the best way to describe it you see what i mean yeah i think one of the things that it taught me 17 years ago was that my dad also felt larger than life i don't know if your father felt that way it feels that way as well yeah but he felt large in life he was extremely intelligent and smart he was a very charismatic he was resourceful talented he was he he was a big lover he loved people and he gave his heart in a big way after this transformation and he cared deeply about relationships like i witnessed things he did that brought smiles to people's faces all the time which is probably a lot of things that i've like translated in my own life but one of the things that taught me was that if this can happen to a guy who feels larger than life in a moment when he was on vacation with his then uh you know partner at the time not my mother they got divorced but they were on vacation having a great time if this could happen in a moment at any time then it brought so much urgency to my life to make sure i pursue the things that really are meaningful to me and for years there were things that i had to do that i wasn't like love i had to work really hard to get to that place when i was broke and had no money on my sister's couch it wasn't like this all just unfolded perfectly it was years of effort work late

nights all that stuff but it made me just say what is my mission what's my intention for this season of my life and am i doing everything in my power to live the way i want to live because if it could be over in a moment i got to shift my attention to things that really matter and so that was a big powerful shift for me and when he passed last month it made it even clearer you know there's so many opportunities for someone like yourself and myself at this stage of our life and our careers and a lot of opportunities can seem incredible here's a big money-making opportunity here's a cool project i can do with someone here's these things that are coming my way but if it's not aligning to my mission of something greater if it's not aligning to my ultimate level of joy and authentic power then should i be doing it right now if it was all over in a day and a month in a year is this something i would say yes to and so it's just bringing me closer to that awareness that how it could all be over in a moment and it brings the energy back to like my relationship with my girlfriend i'm like if it was over tomorrow am i doing and saying what i need to say today and that's been a powerful thing for me there's a real i mean i always reflect on this that brony ware who was the palliative nurse who interviewed people in their last days and the retrospective clarity people must have in their last days about what they did and didn't do yeah right is so so empowering but as you say there one of the things that terrifies me is my dad is ill he's like not in good health and he's he's outlived his siblings and his life if you look at it in any kind of comparative measure was way more stressful than them and his brother died of a heart attack and his brother died younger than he is now so this thing is haunting me almost in the back room and the haunting thing is like what should i be doing now my relationship with my dad isn't particularly strong um you know what i mean how often do you see them a year through three four times okay this my friend jesse etzler made this example one time to me uh and to like the audience he said and his father just passed away actually a couple weeks ago and he said my my parents are old they're in their 80s or something like that and um you know maybe they have five or ten more years but it's really five or ten more times with them if you only see them once or twice a year it's not five or ten years if you see them two three times a year maybe you have three times if it's a year maybe you have ten times if it's four years that you experienced a moment in person with your dad yeah hopefully he lives 10 20 years but two to three times a year is really 20 times left with your dad and when we put it in i just got chills thinking about that when we put it in perspective like that are we giving as much as we could to the relationship are we opening up and healing certain things that maybe aren't aren't healed yet are we having the conversations that are unspoken and i think i feel like i did the best of my abilities to do that with where he was at emotionally and mentally and i would encourage you or anyone listening or watching to to ask themselves on a scale of one to ten how is my relationship with my father my mother and if it's not above a seven right now what can you do not about them even if they're the parent what can you do to reach out and communicate how can you take responsibility for your part of that relationship and you just never know in any moment what if someone's not listening to this now and they think well my parents or my dad or my mum or whatever was abusive or toxic or whatever to me is i think you got to ask yourself if they died today would i be happy with how i communicated how i showed up and maybe that means you need to disown your parents for a season of life because you're not able to get along but are you still happy if you did that with everything you tried to do from a loving calm healed place

it's your healing journey it's not about what they do or what they didn't do it's about your healing journey and i look at it as a gift from everything i experience from my childhood you know i don't look at it as a painful thing anymore you know i'm not living in fear from the memories of my past anymore i look at it as god i'm so grateful that i grew up feeling insecure unlovable and really dumb because i care deeply about loving other people i care deeply about being a good listener and showing people how much i care i care deeply about wisdom and knowledge in a different way not just from school and books but from interactions with human experiences adventure learning new skills and hobbies and just progressing as a human and i think you know even from the sexual abuse i'm not mad at it anymore i'm not hurt by it anymore i hope it never happens to anyone in the history i don't wish it on anyone but i also know that it gave me an incredible gift because i've healed from it i've taken my power back from that and i know that it's benefited me now because i've rewrote in the story about what it means about me and i think if we can rewrite those stories in an empowering way then we are not powerless we're powerful to that point of your healing journey though you describe your life in these three sort of sections right you've got the i think it's the the preteens yeah and then it's like the team to 22 and then it's the is it for and then the 20s and then the 30s right yeah the 20s phase as i read it as i read through the whole all the experiences on you you know your sister's sofa the linkedin stuff you've done felt a little bit like you were finding yourself yeah of course yeah and then post 30s it's it feels like the work really started to begin i mean 30 is when everything started to change because that's the moment i allowed myself to be vulnerable for the first time i just thought i had it figured out and what i realized is i knew nothing there were symptoms of an internal conflict that suggested to you that you didn't have it figured out of course yeah i mean i mean getting in fist fights on a basketball court in a in a pickup game that's supposed to be fun and reacting so much to someone jabbing me you know in the ribs or or smack talking me talking bad or just like talking trash and being so reactive she's getting it like you're extremely explosive again it was more of like i didn't heal a lot of things from my childhood it wasn't like one thing for my dad or the sexual abuse it was kind of like the entire childhood all the stories and all the examples that made me feel like i'm not lovable or i'm someone to be taken advantage of was still inside of me so it wasn't just one thing or one experience it was all of it that was building a case for me to be reactive and explosive and feel like uh you know the the world was just out to get me or something and when i learned the art of emotional regulation that's when everything started to change and i learned a part of that at 30 until 37 but in intimate relationships i still hadn't learned how to fully love and honor my authentic power i still gave in because i deeply wanted people to like me i deeply wanted the person that i was giving my heart to to love and accept me and yet i was choosing people based on a wound still from my parents from my mom you know giving in from my mom not feeling probably loved and accepted and kind of repeating that pattern of her with my dad i was finding partners like that and i was taking on the mother role like kind of what my mom was taking on and i was giving in i watched her give in over and over and over to my dad and never stand up for who she truly was you know this is all unconscious it wasn't until about a year ago when i started to learn this and process it so i was choosing partners that after a period of time they would get upset at me over and over of lots of different things they just weren't happy with who i was or the actions or

decisions or things i did in my business or whatever whatever it was that made them feel like they were insecure or something same and so i would say okay i'll change this to make you happy okay you don't like me doing this okay i'll stop doing this okay you don't like me salsa dancing you don't like me traveling you don't like me speaking you don't like me doing okay like whatever's gonna make you happy because there was love there and i thought that when you love someone you'll do whatever you can to make that love stay to make it last and so i would give and give and give up who i was in order to create peace and love and what i was doing was creating incredible pain resentment and anger and frustration was inside of me of the person of the relationship and of myself because you were abandoning yourself abandoning myself over and over again and i didn't know how to say no and how how to be around someone who was unhappy with me in intimacy i could do this in business and friends but in intimacy when there was love i didn't know how to say no and so i just gave in to create peace and what i realized is that you know i was looking to create to buy peace by abandoning myself but you can't buy peace we must be peace and if someone is okay with that great if they're not then maybe you're not in alignment and that's okay but i was not willing to let go of the feeling of love it was a false love it wasn't authentic love because authentic love is accepting the person for who they are and them accepting you for who you are it's not trying to change the person if you're trying to change someone you shouldn't be with them we should be elevating each other to grow but if there are fundamental things about you that i don't like and i'm trying to change you why am i in a relationship with you go find someone that you don't need to change and vice versa and so my girlfriend martha i was like listen we started dating and i'd done months of this healing work and finally started the process and feel this inner peace i said listen i'm going to be 100 authentic to who i am i'm going to obnoxiously be myself around you and i'm letting you know i want to i want to be so obnoxiously myself that i i hope you run away i hope you run away because i'm never going to change i'm not going to change for you or anyone else i'm going to evolve i'm going to constantly improve grow i want you to be willing to give me feedback but i'm not going to change of something you're unhappy about about me here are my values here's my vision here's my lifestyle this is what i'm going to be doing i'm not going to change this stuff just letting you know and it's been a beautiful journey because it's amazing just to see what it's like having authentic trust and someone receiving you for a hundred percent who you are and feeling like i can be myself i've never felt this until now it's beautiful it's such a important conversation because it's crazy man you described the reasons why in your trauma that that made you a people pleaser and do you know what's really interesting is when you told me that you were a people pleaser um i couldn't believe that i'm like what you big tough athlete man people pleaser carrick you know what i mean but it just it goes to show that that sort of that trauma in us yeah um is kind of agnostic to to our mask or absolutely you know certain and i when you told me that because we had a little bit of this conversation just a hint of it in when we met in dubai i realized that i've been a people please actually but i never thought i was in all of my relationships i think the significant reason why they failed is exactly what you've described i've gone in trying to compromise everything really oh my god just just to keep them and try and keep them happy um with me and in the short term that day fine you go any kind of mid to long term time horizon and it's resentment you know i take full responsibility for every relationship i've chosen and been in and

stayed in because i could have gone out of any relationship at any moment but i was afraid and i lacked the really the self-confidence to step away because i was afraid of losing love but it's not real love if it's inauthentic if you're having to change who you are to make someone happy i just don't feel like that's real love i'm all for making adjustments in alignment with certain things but it shouldn't be changing your core essence of who you are to make someone happy that's not real love you said something to me which um really puzzled me because i've never heard it before which was when i said um i started talking to you about what things i should be compromising in my relationships and you went no compromise i mean for me i don't believe in compromising who i am yeah if you're like listen this week i want to go to this place for a restaurant and next week you can choose that's i guess a compromise of like activities yeah yeah but not compromising your core values and your authentic power if we are compromising our authentic selves we are essentially saying screw you to our creator you've created us for who we are and no i don't want to be this way for one human being because it doesn't make them feel good or makes them unhappy or they're afraid or scared as opposed to who can i be if i'm 100 myself in life and i'm not saying like if you've got flaws adjust those and prove those like i'm all willing to improve and adjust all my flaws but if it's something that's at my core is my personality i'm not changing for anyone why i want to be changing for one person that just doesn't seem like a good i don't know situation and i've done it for too long and with with martha your current partner yeah um you had a conversation very early on about your unwillingness to compromise your core values yes and my priorities and your priorities yes so tell me exactly what you mean by your priorities yeah how that was received man i told her probably like three months in as we i knew in the first night i met her i go i wanted to be single i was like just got done this healing journey get out of a relationship i was like i really want to be single for like a year and just be single and i met her before that time and i remember thinking uh crap there's something unique and special here on a different level more than just sexual attraction there's a spiritual connection there's something deeper that i can see a vision of something incredible that i couldn't do on my own right and i was like let me just string this along as far as i can before i get committed right let me just give it some space not jump into this thing too fast like let's just take it slow and after about three months i said to her i go listen i'm gonna tell you something that i don't think you're gonna like and i said this many times to her i go i'm gonna say something right now that you're probably not gonna like and i don't think any woman wants to hear this from a man i'm just letting you know and she's thinking i'm about to drop a bomb or something and i'm like you may not want to continue dating me after you hear this she was like what is it you know she's freaking out i go you will never be my number one priority never and i had an explanation i said listen my number one priority needs to be my health because without my health i can't fully show up for my number two priority which is my mission or my calling from god oh god he wasn't even number two louis and i said you're not number one and you're not number two you're number three and no woman wants to hear i'm the third priority in some man's life they need to make me number one i need to be thinking they need to think about me all the time i'm number one priority otherwise i'm out of here and it's not that she's not a number one top priority but health needs to come first at all times that doesn't mean all day i'm doing my health it's just i need to make sure every day i'm taking care of it this is a top priority if

this is number two number three number 10 i'm not going to be good for you in our relationship i'm not going to have energy i'm going to be more moody so i need to make this a priority first for the second priority which is my mission my calling from god the universe the world whatever you want to call whatever's speaking through me into the existence because if that is not a high priority for me then i'm going to be unhappy because i'm gonna feel like there's something calling me in the world and i'm not doing it because i'm giving more time and attention to one person but if i'm healthy and working on myself if i am putting energy and time into my mission then you're going to have the most incredible relationship of your life because i'm going to be of service to you in such a high beautiful authentic way that you're going to be feeling like you're the number one priority but you just have to be an awareness that this is where i'm coming from and it doesn't mean i'm not going to be spending all my time with you and i'm free and we're not going to have an amazing life but you got to be aware this is my priorities and the crazy thing is right when i finished she said that's the most amazing thing i've ever heard because that's exactly what i've been looking for i've been dating guys with no purpose none of them had a purpose they made me their purpose and i was like no what's the thing you want to do in the world what's the calling you have and none of them had a calling they had stuffed activities they had hobbies but it wasn't like a main calling in the world and she was like you're the perfect match for me because you have a mission to serve the world and i'm cool with that were you trying to scare her off in a previous relationship i was trying to scare her off by saying i'm never going to change who i am based on a previous release based on five previous relationships it was based on every relationship before where i abandoned myself to try to make one person happy and create peace in an environment because there was never peace and it's my responsibility is my decisions by choosing these relationships by staying and by not leaving sooner and so it's never because i just wanted to fix the relationship i was like okay how can we make this better what mask have i got to wear exactly yeah and so man it's it's liberating and freeing and the only way this works is because this sounds bad i want to say something probably sounds bad i think my girlfriend would be okay with me saying this but the only way this works is i'm willing to walk away at any moment i don't want to walk away i want to be with this woman she's incredible she's a gift in my life but if it's not in alignment with her values her vision her lifestyle my values my vision my lifestyle and we don't fully accept who we are then we shouldn't be together and i want the best for her and i want the best for me so as sad as i would be i'm willing to walk away at any moment if it compromises giving up who i am and it brings me peace because i'm not attached i'm committed i'm holding it loosely you know i've got my hands wrapped around the relationship but i'm not suffocating the relationship i'm not squeezing it to death i'm like okay you can you want it you don't need it yeah i want it i'm committed i'm all in but i'm not going to change who i am yeah to force it i had a few words to say about one of my sponsors on this podcast my girlfriend came upstairs yesterday when i was having a shower and she said to me that she tried the heel protein shake which lives on my fridge over there and she said it's amazing low calories you get your 20 odd grams of protein you get your 26 vitamins and minerals and it's nutritionally complete in the protein space there's lots of things but it's hard to find something that is nice especially when consumed just with water and that is nutritionally complete and that has about 100 calories in total while also giving you 20 grams of protein

if you haven't tried the keel protein product do give it a try the salted caramel one if you put some ice cubes in it and you put it in a blender and you try it is as good as pretty much any milkshake on the market just mixed with water it's been a game changer for me because i'm trying to drop my calorie intake and i'm trying to be a little bit more healthy with my diet so this is where heel fits in my life thank you hill for making a product that i actually like the salted caramel is my favorite i've got the banana one here which is the one my girlfriend likes but for me salted caramel is the one when you talk about priorities i was trying to in my head think of a a use of words that might be more um received better and it's funny because i was thinking about this table i was thinking there's this table now has two levels right the first foundation of this table you could call health right without that nothing else can sit on the table the second foundation could be mission and then the relationship sits on top of both and it's enabled by the foundation of my my health and my mission absolutely man i think if you kind of flip it it kind of sounds better like because effectively you're putting your health at the bottom which is yeah well sources still your foundation but i completely get that because at any time in my life where i've abandoned my my sense of mission i can only do that for a short period of time i can only fake that before i start to lose orientation in my mind and you resent yourself you represent the person you present the relationship and you're like you're not in love as much with the relationship because you feel like you're not it's not lifting you to your highest calling amen and i think the beautiful thing about martha in our relationship i think should be open with me talking about this but every relationship i've been in i was like i wonder what it would be like to start therapy in the beginning when everything is perfect so with martha i said in the beginning i said listen i'm doing therapy every two weeks i did this for the last year on my own individually i'm going to be doing it for this next year and years just as emotional accountability for myself in life business friends family like anything i need to process it's just good for me to clean the energy and not let things pile up and i said i'd love for us and she was doing this individually i said i'd love for us to do this together as we start to develop our relationship when things are great and actually see if we are in alignment and so two weekends ago we did a five hour session together with my therapist talking about expectations agreements values dreams vision and just processing anything we needed to process and it was such a powerful experience that when things are going good to continue to talk about vision casting what we want to build together not when things are going bad and it's really to talk about things that maybe we haven't fully been comfortable talking about yet and putting it out there as opposed to hiding things or waiting for things to come out later and it was such a powerful five-hour experience i mean it's very emotional and you're processing a lot and we're we're diving in deep exercises eye gazing talking about things like it's an emotional relationship workout yeah you'll save a lot of time and headache by going to therapy when things are great as opposed to when things are bad it's like that prevention versus reaction once it's read his ugly head and there's been some bust up you go to the gym not because you're sick but because you're healthy yeah to stay healthy you know not what not when your weight to get sick now i need to go to the gym yeah and i think who does that in relationships i don't know anyone who's done that you hear people say like before marriage we do like a pre-marital maybe relationship training with the churches or like a therapist but that's after a few years usually i just wanted to experiment

i have no idea where it's going to go but i feel like um something's something's happening underneath the surface by both of us doing this together when things are good men just don't do this stuff lewis i'm thinking about my guy friends and i i can imagine some hesitancy towards them 100 because they just not it's all the things you've described they've won a mask of toughness we put them we keep keep the emotions in the back room you know what i mean and and also do you know what you know what as well guys don't love conflict with love fun man so they would probably see that as oh my god i'm going to get told off oh my god she's going to give me [ __ ] for that thing i do it's so hard man what you've described there that doing the making the roots go deeper again something i have to thank you for because we had a conversation about vision values and lifestyle oh and when i got back from dubai how'd it go i had a conversation with my girlfriend and she was all for it so on that table there and i said i spoke to louis and he talked about vision values and lifestyle so we sat there one night on the weekend lit a candle we were making some like pottery stuff and we said after we've done this we'll just write down our visions values and lifestyle and we'll go through them one one by one so like i speak on one you speak one that's beautiful it took about three hours and there were tears oh my god moments of joy [Laughter] but the conclusion was exactly what you've described there was all these little things i'll give you some detail give it to me how we when we go to sleep at night i like to go to sleep a certain way so i like something playing she likes silence oh but you haven't talked about it probably hadn't talked about it wow and it was one of the things just about like our sleep routine we're obviously gonna have to sleep in bed for many many years and we hadn't discussed it and i knew it was conflict i was getting in bed and knowing if i play this she's not gonna be happy but she might not say anything and so just talking it through and going look babe the reason why i listen to something when i go to sleep is because i've had 29 years of doing that when i lived in the countryside in plymouth i had a radio in my room and the kid in me found comfort in hearing a voice when i went to sleep you've had 29 years of doing it another way we've got to ask ourselves is it really a problem and we and that was the discussion like is it a problem if i say if i put an airport in because i'm not going to compromise right and if you you know you won't even hear it is it really a problem and then we discussed why she thought it might be a problem does that impact her intimacy well intimacies are suff you know and eventually we came to this conclusion and it's not an issue anymore and it was an issue in our relationship for about a year it was that niggling little you could feel the contempt and resentment slowly building and you guys were a long distance too right so so it wasn't like you weren't sleeping it wasn't every every every day for months no so you like a couple weeks at a time yeah but when you're gonna be more together consistently it could be a problem yeah that's one of the list of about 30 things that we we addressed and worked through and more than anything coming out the end of that exercise which is something i've never done with any partner i've ever had i've never even had the conversation you just crash no you don't i didn't learn this until like two years ago yeah you just just you just get on with life right you just try to keep having fun experiences and avoid conflict the conflict i've had so many uncomfortable conversations with with martha that it's like a muscle you got to practice it and every time an uncomfortable conversation comes up i have to breathe i'm like oh man i feel tense yeah i don't want to do it i don't like it i don't think anyone likes it but the more we do it here's the thing we've created a safe

space where and the reason i don't like to do it or haven't like to do it until now is because every time i would have an uncomfortable conversation before the partner i had could not handle it so i'd say here's how i'm feeling and they couldn't handle it or there'd be an explosion or reaction or something so it didn't make me feel safe to have the uncomfortable conversation so i would avoid it amen and with martha i said to her listen like the first one come from a conversation i go she asked me a question about something that was kind of like i can't remember exactly what it was but i remember like hmm should i tell her the truth or should i cut us a little bit of the truth you know and i go do you want me to be 100 honest with you and she said yes always i go are you sure you want me to be 100 honest she said yes and i go okay let me ask you one more time and the reason i'm asking is because i've never met someone who can hold the space for my honesty without reacting or crying or screaming or running away so are you saying you're you're emotionally available to hold the space for my honesty and truth she said yes i'm a grown woman i go interesting okay well here it is she was like thank you for your honesty and it built a one step okay let me try this again one more time and make sure she can really handle it and the more steps of her holding space for my honesty my vulnerability and not exploding or reacting makes me feel like okay i can say anything and she may not like it it may be uncomfortable but she's not explosive and that's a powerful thing of how can i be comfortable in the discomfort while also feeling safe that's huge and you've got to learn to practice that yourself in a relationship and not be reactive if a partner is telling you stuff about their past you don't like or what they did or this and that you got to be okay and practice it and they've got to be and that's where constantly working on yourself is huge in intimacy and relationships and if one person's doing that and the other person isn't there's going to be conflict yeah do you have a trainer when you work out yes have you had a business coach in the past or mentors would you stop getting coaching in business even though you've been so successful you want to stop even though you've got all this money and businesses and startups and investment you know dragons then you'd keep hiring a coach or have a mentor in business why would we not do that for our emotions and our heart it is the most powerful energy that we have emotions and our heart and yet we have a stigma around having a coach or mentor or a guide or a therapist whatever you want to call it of emotional regulation and accountability and people make so many mistakes in their lives by not having that regulated their reactions can have consequences for years people go to prison for one reaction people lose their entire business for one reaction people lose their marriages because of one emotional reaction this is one of the most powerful currencies in the world in my opinion is having power over your emotions not stuffing your emotions not saying they don't exist not acknowledging them but expressing them in a healthy way and in a healthy environment and when we learn that and i've been learning that over the last couple of years it's been an incredible shift in every area of my life and i also just feel an incredible sense of peace i'm not saying that i'm always going to be perfect in the future around this but showing up to someone twice twice a month and processing makes me a whole lot better you just reminded me of something that really stuck out to me when i first met you was when we were sat there and you're doing it again today you've done it three times today is you would say something and then you'd say and that's my responsibility so even when you were talking about previous relationships you've been and whatever else you would not blame the other person you would like aggressively not

blame them in a in a really remarkable way so you'd say this happened this happened this happened this happened where any other human being i've ever met was was in their right to attribute the blame to the person and you would always end the sentence as you've done three times today with and that's on me or and that's my responsibility yeah why because i chose it i chose those experiences i chose those relationships i chose the environment i chose those people i chose to stay and it's my responsibility on how i show up and how i react how i respond and how i stay or leave but even when someone was toxic or whatever to you you say that was on me it's my responsibility because if someone does that and i stay with them that's on me that's me not standing up for myself it's me abandoning myself that's not on them they're living their life they're doing what they do naturally it didn't line up with me but i stayed so that's on me i can't expect someone else to change i can't expect someone else to respect my values my vision and my lifestyle they have theirs and they're showing it through their actions and their behaviors and so for me if i'm able to witness that and be aware and not have the false sense of love and be attached to the false sense of love that i'm feeling i'm having this feeling about this person and i want to get back to this healthy environment with this person i got to learn to let that go and that's why i say i can hold love in my hands loosely committed and excited about it but if it's not meant for me i shouldn't hold on to it and abandon myself and i think i did that too many times so that's 100 my responsibility can you run me through then because i know there's gonna be people that people listening to this that i've just had we both done this exercise and it was amazing and they're gonna they're now thinking what is the values part what is the vision problem what's the lifestyle part yeah i think the values is really about well for me the values is like okay i value health in my life i'm i'm gonna be focused on my health i value my mission my team my business like that's a conscious mission i value spending time with friends i value all my hobbies and activities that's salsa dancing that's traveling that's all these different things i enjoy doing i value conscious conversations like i want to have conscious conversations i can't have superficial conversations i literally met someone this morning before i came here um who was a part of a big company here in london and within two minutes i probably like shouldn't do this but i don't know if all british people are this way and it's not a bad thing but it's very good with like surface talk you know oh how was your how was the flight and uh what was the world order some or whatever it is you know and it's like which is fine but i just can't handle it after a few minutes so right away i i'm the person saying next to me i was like how's your marriage you know i just i was like how long have you been married for you know and she was like i've been married for like six years and i go what's three questions you wish you would have asked i literally did this i go what's three questions you wish you would have asked the day before you got married that you didn't ask because i'm just fascinated by people you know i'm curious i'm like how amazing has marriage been how's it been has it been healthy have you had challenges is there anything you wish you would have changed or talked about sooner and right away she's like opening up and like being vulnerable and i was like sorry to put this on you right now but i'm just fascinated because i want to learn from everyone and um so i was like i want to have conscious conversations it's one of my values so we have these deep intimate talks all the time and so i write down a list of all my values the vision is this is the vision for my personal life so personally i want to be working out i'm going to be healthy as an individual my

vision is my my mission which is building a conscious business to serve millions of people to help them improve the quality of their life and this is a major priority to me this is my one and two priority this is my vision and also our relationship vision which i think is extremely important to talk about with your partner here's the vision i have for our relationship for these these couple years and for the future this is what i see with flexibility nothing's set in stone but this is what i see what is your vision for our relationship because maybe her or his vision is different one person wants to have kids the other person doesn't one wants to get married the other doesn't one wants an open relationship the other one doesn't want that one wants their family around every weekend the other one's like i don't want to be around your family every weekend so what is the vision of our shared relationship and then lifestyle i love you know traveling do you like to travel i love to watch these types of movies i like to eat these types of foods i like these types of experiences this is a lifestyle that i live if you have a completely different lifestyle that's going to be hard for us if you like to do none of those things if you like to stay at home every day where i want to go out and network with people and travel that's just going to be a top we're going to be butting heads a lot and there might be maybe it works but it might cause some friction and distance in the future so are we in alignment of values vision and lifestyle it doesn't have to be 100 perfect but is there alignment in each category and i think the more alignment you have the more potential for a better healthier relationship and on things like work this is obviously a big one for ambitious people when they um when they're running a business they're career driven they're vision or mission driven and they have a partner i want to know from a work perspective what kind of conversation you've had with martha and vice versa because i know you're a guy that travels a lot does a lot of speaking is very you know in pursuit of yourself and your potential so how do you then balance like being a boyfriend being present going on dates and stuff what's the conversation when i first met her i said one of my values is alone time like that's one of my values as well is having alone time having enough space in our home so that i can go in the room and do what i want to do and watch sports or chill and you can do what you want to do and i feel like we have space it doesn't mean i don't want to be around her all the time but i also value my space and alone time and so does she so it's having those conversations and with with business i said listen if you can come on any trip like you're more than welcome to come i'd love for you to come but she's doing her own thing she's traveling as well back and forth from atlanta so um and she'll be filming two movies later this year and gone for two months at a time so i'll need to travel at those times and she'll travel with me and that's the season of our life right now and you're anticipating another season at some point i imagine at some point yeah i mean it may evolve may change in the family and all these other things so it's like when that season happens there may be less travel for her how do you feel about that about what about the next season that family because there's a smoke on your face which is why this is something that i say to her i go listen i'm really intentional about building a deep strong foundation let's keep building a strong foundation and everything else will follow if i feel a sense of peace i feel a sense of safety in this relationship just like you then all these other things are going to happen naturally and they'll probably happen fast naturally once we both have a deeper foundation and just experienced life more so have you historically had a commitment challenge 100 man 100 percent well actually i haven't had a

commitment challenge because i've always been committed i've been in very long-term community relationships but i've had a commitment challenge in seeing around family and kids because i never trusted the person i was with fully so i couldn't see myself having kids with them and i kept waiting to see something to shift to where i felt like this was kind of where my head would go this is maybe weird but i would say if something ever happened to me could i trust this person would take care of my kids and i just never felt that because i never felt like i could trust him with me like again i take full responsibility and accountability because i chose people that didn't accept me fully that weren't happy with who i was and so that's on me and i never felt like i could go to the next level with any of them because i was like something's off inside and i feel like ah i'm changing who i am to make them happy and they're still not happy so i can't have kids with i can't see myself living like this for you know 20 years with someone so and that kind of trauma that niggle is is that still inside you there somewhere as you think about it i think it was in the first maybe a few months of us dating but i don't feel like it is anymore yeah i feel like every day i create more and more peace and connection and safety and she's just an incredible person like she's just a great human being and trustworthy and so it's like even if something happened to me she could be incredible you know incredible mom so of all the things you've learned from your good and bad relationships if you were to have if i had to if i said to you that what is the single biggest killer of relationships what would your answer be uh i would say the biggest killer of relationships is being out of integrity with your authentic power and abandoning yourself to create peace in the relationship because if one person's doing that or two people are doing that there's some type of codependency there's some type of wound on why we're doing that that's creating that so for me the biggest killer is not healing that's the biggest killer whatever wounds we have be on the healing journey it's not it's not going to happen overnight it's not like a moment it's a journey of healing and i think the more people are willing to dive into their heart and their emotions and whatever insecurities wherever they feel triggered that's where you need to lean into because that trigger's going to come up into relationships big time if you haven't healed it so it's the emotional healing i think it's one of the most powerful things it's funny i interviewed a brain surgeon who'd done over a thousand brain surgeries and studied the brain and he's also a phd in neuroscience so he studies the mind and thoughts and he's a brain surgeon and i said what's the number one skill do you feel like human beings should learn to master and his answer was beautiful he said emotional regulation i was like i 100 agree because if we don't have the power to regulate our feelings around a situation and environment something that happens in events then that event has power over us as opposed to us over that moment and if it has power over us to where we react so strongly we need to ask ourselves why am i so triggered where is that one that's a wound somewhere where is that wound and how can i start the healing journey i'm not saying that things are gonna happen in life and you're never gonna feel something but just not react and be overwhelmed emotionally to where it takes you away from love and takes you away from your mission but if something is so strong that it causes you to lose sleep for three days or causes you to react in a negative way it's pulling you away from your heart from love and from your meaningful mission i think we just got to get back to okay why is this stressing me out how can i process this and integrate healing in a healthy way so that when life happens it doesn't pull me off my mission and that's something

i've experienced for the first time in the last three months is really like life has happened in a big way for me it's sidetracked me a little bit but it's not pulling me off like i'm i'm needing to face it and deal with things and process but it's not like defeating me to where i feel like i'm exhausted and that's because i'm holding myself emotionally accountable and doing the work if i if someone's listening to this and they don't have a therapist they don't have the resources or whatever to have therapy how else can they go about developing the self-awareness required for that emotional regulation journey there's definitely things you can do on your own i would i would uh read a book called how to do the work by uh nicole lapera which gives you a lot of exercises and practices and things like that on how to do the work yourself so you can get the book for 25 bucks and start there and start your own ritual and healing process whether it be journaling whether it be you know other different types of meditations things like that they have she has different rituals in there you can do but i would recommend i don't think there's anything more powerful than sitting in front of a human and talking to someone about how you feel or what you're going through so whether that's a priest or a parent or a teacher or you know a friend that you trust someone you feel like who has a little bit more wisdom than you i would start there until you can afford the therapy and in terms of emotional journeys you cite that you're still on one absolutely what are the things that you're now talking to your therapist about that you're trying to solve in yourself i had this photo for the last year i'll just show the camera the photo of my five-year-old self and in the last session i did with her it was all about um healing the inner child right it was all about healing the inner child and doing the the work i mean i did some weird stuff like putting myself in spiritual and mental environments where i'm talking to my five-year-old self and looking at my five-year-old self hugging my five-year-old self integrating my five-year-old self with my adult self and kind of re-parenting that psychological child some weird stuff but whatever reason it's worked for me because now i can look at a situation and say okay do i feel triggered oh where's that coming from is it from that hurt child if so all i need to do is have a conversation with that part of my mind and say i'm an adult now and the adult is here and i got your back i can take care of this i know how to process and soothe things in a healthy way i don't need to lean onto an addiction or reaction or whatever it may be to process i know how to handle this i know how to breathe i know how to take a walk i know how to have a conversation and process you're safe you're okay it's all going to be okay whereas before i didn't have that ability to communicate with a wounded part of myself and so now she said we've healed the five-year-old version of you that was sexually abused because i don't get triggered about it i don't get reactive to it i'm not defensive and guarded anymore and i'm also shifting the way i don't please people in relationships anymore so i've done a lot of things to do the work about intimacy and relationships and just in life she's like now and i go okay am i done because this is a lot of work you know it's like it's a lot you're diving into your emotions you're tapping into uncomfortable stuff you're like crying it's all these things she's like this is a journey do you want to go to the next level in your life are you satisfied i'm like okay you got to keep going you know there's always something else and so she's like we want to tap into the 11 to 12 year old self and she's like find a photo that's my next homework is to put a photo of myself when i was 11 or 12 and start healing that part of my life and there was a bunch of different stuff that happened in that phase that i haven't fully

healed or forgiven myself and so that'll be the next work to do and it'll be like stages of life until i meet myself to where i am now interesting and healing and working on the evolution of all the memories of the past that wrote a story and developed chapters in a book that did not serve me it's like a script wasn't it yeah and rewriting the script and not diminishing the things that happened but acknowledging them and healing them in a different way and processing it in a healthy way so that i can meet myself where i'm at now and then really start elevating how much has doing a podcast where you sit with these people but also yeah right it's a game changer when i get the biggest like neuroscience i've had so many and this year has been like the year of therapists and neuroscientists and spiritual gurus and just being like figuring out more and more about emotions about regulation about healing about inner child work because i have people on there i'm like when i'm struggling with something in my life i bring those people on i'm like teach me how to like overcome this right it's incredible yeah and so my audience would be like oh louis is going through stuff with this oh louis is going through a breakout oh lewis is in a relationship it's amazing the other thing that i am i know a lot of people will will struggle with is the confidence to overcome some kind of fear you talked a little bit there about ourselves story and how that limits us one of the the fears i know you had in your life which is almost impossible to imagine based on the man you are sat in front of me today was that fear of public speaking huge fear man and i could not stand in front of two to three p friends in school and really even have a conversation like i didn't know how if someone asked me a question i would get nervous i couldn't even respond with really a small story just because i was so the story i told myself that i was so used to being made fun of and picked on growing up that i just didn't want to speak that much because i didn't want to be made fun of i had a few words to say about one of my sponsors on this podcast as you might know crafted are one of the sponsors of this podcast and crafted are a jewelry brand and they make really meaningful pieces of jewelry the really wonderful thing about crafted jewelry is it's super affordable it looks amazing the pieces hold tremendous meaning and they are really well made i think i've worn this piece for almost a year it hasn't broken hasn't changed color because it's really really good quality and it costs roughly 50 quid people will be surprised when they hear that they'll probably assume that all of my jewelry is like solid gold and cost thousands and thousands of pounds but what's the point when you can achieve the exact same effect from a piece of jewelry that's high quality and cost 50 quid that's why i buy crafted to put in context of where you are today you're an international speaker you're getting honest you're getting paid big six figure numbers to speak once yeah and i just want to put that in context because you went from someone that basically couldn't have a conversation kind of like an international public speaker yeah i don't know if um it was like this in school in the uk but in america at least in ohio where i grew up the teacher would sometimes say okay we're gonna have you guys read aloud right and okay lewis open up chapter one paragraph one and stand up and read in front of people and it got to the point where it was so terrifying because i would get up and i was not able to read until really about 10th grade no joke when i went into eighth grade that private boarding school they tested me reading and comprehension and everything and i had a second grade reading level so when i was in school it was so hard for me to stand in front of the class and read aloud because the simplest words i didn't know what they were what they were dyslexic so it was just challenging to read and then

i'd feel nervous and then i would sabotage it and then kids would laugh because i couldn't read and so it's just kind of like a traumatizing thing that i had to learn how to let go of and heal and so i just never wanted to speak in front of people and i remember this is funny i was also um i was also terrified to dance and i started salsa dancing obsessively because i wanted to overcome this fear and when i was learning this skill of salsa dancing to overcome that fear i met a guy who was a public speaker and he got paid to speak around the country and i said how do you do this and he said meet me tomorrow at this coffee shop and all and i'll answer any question you have because we're literally like in the middle of the dance floor and i'm asking this so i meet him at this coffee shop in columbus ohio and he was like if you want to overcome the fear of public speaking you need to practice it every week and i recommend joining this thing called toastmasters where you can practice in a safe environment where they're not going to laugh at you and he said go every week for a year and come back to me when you're done and that's what i did i went to a toastmasters club every week for a year and i remember it was terrifying for the first few months but the more i did it and just messed up i just kept messing up but i found someone to mentor me there i practiced it consistently every single week my next speech i would put myself in uncomfortable conversations to just be made fun of or just feel like i'm so stupid around these people but every week i'd show up i'd get a little bit more confidence a little bit more confidence to the last week of the year i remember i had no notes no props no nothing and i was extremely poised and confident and got like the standing ovation at the end of the year because they saw my journey the first speech i had everything written out word for word word for word i look down at behind a podium and read word for word i didn't look up once on my first speech to the point where i was like okay i'm writing a speech and then looking up a couple times while reading it to then it was like just note cards then it was bullet points so then it was a slide to then it was nothing but it was mind-blowing because it took a year to kind of get a baseline of confidence and it took every week showing up but i'm telling you if i could do something like this it's possible but you got to be willing to be so uncomfortable to overcome these fears sometimes there's two things i was reflecting on as you were speaking then it's the first is how that you know repetitions rewrites this new kind of subjective evidence about who we are what we're capable of which results in mastery but it starts with repetition which creates new evidence and then you've got the mastery point but also just that that wasn't just a lesson about public speaking it's a general lesson about what happens when in life we arrive at the crossroads of fear and one side says turn right to go back to comfort which is never do this thing ever again because it's humiliating and the other is like it's the lights are off down that path but it's like into the fear and this happens every week in everyone's life in your job in your relationship in someone offers you oh do you want to come and do this thing and you go that's not south sudan's and or you go through a hard relationship and you're like i can't open my heart up exactly love vulnerability um but so evident in your story and even the fact that you write down your biggest fears every year it's so clear that you continually chose to go into the fear and that resulted in tremendous growth yeah it's always it's always and the amount of confidence i have over the last 15 20 years really of just taking on these different fears that i thought i would never be able to do let's talk salsa dancing you know i started that 17 years ago it's opened up a world to me i've traveled the world i've salsa dance in every major city

around the world over the last 17 years i've met incredible people i have had so much fun i get to just go and dance and have fun and it gives me an incredible sense it's a tool that i can take out at any moment whenever needed it's a language that i can speak to so many people that speak that language and it's given me a level of confidence that i never had without that because it was a fear and now it's something that's fun that i've mastered it's incredible same thing with public speaking i remember thinking before i started toastmasters like if i want to get a job i need to learn public speaking if i want to like improve in the career that i go into i need to be able to communicate in a board room and get my ideas across even if i'm an employee i just need to be able to communicate or if i'm a ceo one day i need to be able to inspire if i want to be on stage i need to be able to get a message across to influence and impact people so i was like if i want to accomplish my dreams i need to overcome this fear and it's brought me so many opportunities because i spent a year obsessing over this and failing again it's brought me incredible financial resources it's put me in front it's i've traveled the world because of speaking it's brought me business deals i've met and collaborated with other speakers that i've met on stage at these events it's given me confidence you know by having this skill so every fear that i have if i master it and i go all in on it something magical and beautiful happens on the other side same in relationships after the previous relationship i was like okay i can be afraid and be single for a year and like guard my heart or i can open my heart keep it expansive not closed off after this pain and challenge keep it open and see what's possible and when i met her i was thinking to myself ah i don't know if i want to like go into this but i was like let me keep it open and explore and it's been magic and beauty on the other side because i've gone on that as well every time it's just something magical happens when i think about that crossroads analogy where you've got you arrive at the crossroads of fear and it says turn right if you want to go back into certain comfort oh turn left it's dark in there yeah it goes go into the fear and address it went through it i think the people the reason why people turn right into certainty and to comfort or really go back right is because they've miscalculated what the actual risk is so in the case of say being vulnerable in your relationships it seems like the the low risk path is to like keep the mask on just please them and whatever yeah however when you zoom out that is the existential risk of the relationship is faking and being inauthentic to yourself that was actually the risk but people like they mis they don't know what the risk is and generally in life it's people when they say to me oh you're so courageous for dropping out of university and starting this business i've reflected on that over the years because i've really struggled with this concept of people thinking i was courageous in my mind the risk was staying in university going into the corporate rat race and not pursuing myself and then having a mid-life crisis when i'd abandoned myself that was the risk the easy cowardice thing to do was leaving university and pursuing myself and i think the refraining of it yeah is really probably the most potent way of getting people to understand that in fact the dark left side of that fear crossroads is actually the least risky path to take if you zoom out absolutely and you see what's on the other side yeah what's possible for you what's available on the other side yeah exactly or even if you see what certainty and comfort will exactly deliver it's about having a short period of pain versus long period of pain and the short pain is diving into the fear maybe the pain is a week a month or a year in order to overcome that fear until you overcome it and transcend it or

having this numbing low-level pain for the rest of your life by not choosing that which one do you want you know for me i just can't live that way and it's not just a one right so if you if you if you fake it in work and then your relationships then your friendships then you're gonna have in your health yes you're gonna have ten loans exactly which is gonna what happens then depression yeah crippling anxiety exactly panic attacks behavior all these you know addictions everything man as you look off into your future then lewis you're thinking about how lewis house shapes his future what he's pursuing how he finds his meaning and happiness on an ongoing basis what is the answer everything is based on mission the the mechanism is kind of irrelevant how i do it is irrelevant the mission is to serve 100 million lives weekly to help them improve the quality of their life that's the mission that's your mission that's the mission that's been the mission for about eight years it's been consistently that why 100 million people ask me that i think when i came up with that number it's because i'd already impacted millions at the time and whenever i ask people like what's your dream and they say they want to change the world it just doesn't seem real like okay what does that mean and then some people say i want to change billions of lives okay it just seems like it's hard to measure it's hard to measure that quickly like how fast is that going to happen but i'd already impacted millions and i was like okay what would it look like how long would it take me to reach 100 million people at once like in a year and then how could i what would it look like to do it in a month and then in a week and then how could i repeat that every week what's the mechanism right now it's podcasting youtube social media books events all those different things maybe in the future there's another mechanism for me i'm not attached to the mechanism i'm committed to the mission and so i'm flexible and open on how i want to make sure that i'm a a messenger and i'm a facilitator of messages with other messengers and that's the mission for this season of my life until something shifts inside of me where it says you know that's not your calling anymore then i'll listen to that next mission two questions then the first question is why does that matter to you why does helping 100 million lives a week matter to you what are you going to get if that happens if you succeed well helping one person matters to me when i wrote my book the mask of masculinity i remember thinking to myself this probably isn't going to sell 100 million copies right it's about how men can be vulnerable like most men don't want to buy that book it's this one here yeah so the mask of masculinity i once i started opening up about my healing journey and seeing the impact and the responses that men were having i was like gosh i need to write about this don't i internally i was like this needs to happen next my book agent was like let's go do another book about business or marketing and i was like i just can't do it like even if i make no money this has to come out of me because if we can help one man heal their internal relationship with themselves and then heal their relationship with their family and their marriage whatever it might be then it's worth it to me and so i just felt like i needed to put it out and so i'm happy to help one person and i feel accomplished i feel purposeful useful i feel like my talents were for something meaningful but i know there's something more inside of me and so i'm striving to serve 100 million lives one of the reasons that's meaningful to me is because i believe that we're all here for a reason i believe that we all have a certain unique set of gifts and talents and i want to see how far those talents can spread i just feel like that's part of my calling at this season of my life and i'm a hundred percent happy and fulfilled with all the efforts i've had to this moment

because it's everything i've been able to do but i know there's so much more so this is just something for me to aim towards to reach towards it gives me a target it's something i can measure it's not too unrealistic it's a big number but i feel like yeah how things are going maybe it could happen in a year maybe it's 10 years i don't know but it gives me a focus and it keeps me in alignment on the things i say yes and no to does this decision project interview partnership serve 100 million lives or get me closer to it or is it a distraction so it helps me get clear on saying yes or no to things as well and what happens today if you get an email when you leave here and it says lewis good news we've we've we're now reaching 100 million lives a week i say great we gotta we gotta repeat this over and over again for a while until i feel like okay what's the next goal i mean i mean if we get 100 million lives weekly then i'll be like awesome it's been i'm doing this podcast for nine years now it's like i've been doing this for a long time last year we got over 100 million views just on our youtube channel alone so we're in the hundreds of millions a year of and i don't calculate it as like a like or like a one second view i'm like what's a 20 minutes of some an interaction we had over 100 million just on youtube of 24 minute watch time so for me that's a deep encounter of someone introspective learning diving in you know overcoming something and trying something new that's meaningful to me and so if we can do that weekly for a while then i'll i'll take an assessment and say okay where am i at my life this season am i striving for more am i maintaining am i shifting you know i'll reassess it then would it be a really happy day i'm happy today i'm really happy today because gary vaynerchuk said to me he said my goal is to buy the new york jets and in the same breath he said it will be the worst day of my life right because there's no more chase it's no more thing to work towards and here's the thing i'm happy today because i have inner peace and i think there's no goal that i've accomplished in the past that has brought me into peace when i accomplished it i felt depressed and anxious with a lot of goals from the past now i feel happy with just showing up and giving my best day to day it's as lame as that sounds the healing work has allowed me it doesn't mean i'm like satisfied i still am driven and i'm hungry for more but i'm just in such a beautiful place in my relationship with myself and my relationship with martha and my relationship with friends and family my team i just feel like man if this was it i'm in a peaceful place and that's beautiful amazing and i i truly feel it i truly feel it in everything that you said yeah and it doesn't mean i'm perfect and it doesn't mean i have it all figured out it doesn't mean i'm not going to make mistakes in the future it just means that's the path of one we have a closing tradition on this product okay which is the previous guest writes a question for the next guest into the diary what is the most frequent piece of advice people ask you for and what is the answer i mean what do people ask me for what is the most frequent piece of advice people ask you like the question they ask me for like a piece of advice yeah what's the most frequent piece of advice i mean it's like what would you do if you were starting all over again you know if you were 21 and or you started your podcast again or you know you were getting started again in your business what would you have done differently is what i get asked and then what's the answer i mean the answer is i don't know if i would have done anything differently because it's all given me a lot of wisdom and experiences to where i'm at now i wish i would i guess i wish i would have like known this stuff sooner but i think we all need to learn things as they come to us what i will i guess what i wish i'd known differently is how to have inner peace i wish

i would have had that skill because i think i would be farther ahead and i would have been happier sooner inside had i learned that skill of healing of inner peace emotional regulation all these things that kind of held me back from being 100 my authentic self and in my power towards building everything that i'm doing i sit here with people a lot and i remember speaking to gary and gary talked to me about the importance for him of legacy yeah is this something that's important to you the concept of legacy does it take yes and no it is in the sense that like with my dad passing i think about his legacy right and i've had a lot of like sad moments and i've also had a lot of beautiful grateful moments thinking about his life and his legacy and what he how he lived what he taught during his his life and what he left behind in terms of wisdom and lessons and i think it's important to for me that's valuable in the sense that i'm going to be around you know my siblings going to be around his grandchildren are around who experienced him they're going to have we are going to have memories and an imprint based on his life and how he lived with us and now it's all about how we show up through his legacy you know i'm a part of his legacy he was a part of my foundation and now i'm going to be a part of that and i think about that because i want to make sure that my last name is meaningful and it would make him proud you know to make sure that am i doing things in alignment with what he taught me would make the world a better place would be good for our community am i living to the highest level of the values not the stuff that he didn't do well but the stuff he did well do well and so i think it's important because we're going to be interacting with people and when we're gone they're either think of us in a positive way or negative way and they might be acting like we acted in either of those ways so i think it's valuable and important and i think about it in that sense but i also think about that it's not important because in 200 years no one's going to remember maybe you know like someone has like a memory of in a history book and they talk about you but no one you know is going to know you in a in a hundred years no one you interact with is going to know you so and the the big scheme of things you know it doesn't it doesn't matter after a hundred years really but it matters because everything is a reflection of our past it's like dominance yeah my grandparents influence my parents their traumas and their beauty influenced them which influenced me and i felt like i had to heal the traumas of the past legacy as well just like i'm carrying with me the beautiful parts of the past and and leaning into those but also healing things that were brought down that they never healed so there's an impact with the legacy yeah i my answer is very similar to yours in the sense that i i've never understood why people care about what people like what people will say about me when i'm gone right right like i don't care because i again if i engaged in that thinking it's the same as caring too much about what they think about me now yeah like i'm not gonna be there i'm gonna be dead so but i i've never heard it and it's really refreshing to hear that kind of domino's analogy where like actually the way that i the way that i show up is going to impact my kids they might impact 10 then it's 20 that's 50 and then that's how the world is created yeah and i think the traumas that our parents you know had or didn't heal are going to be felt in our childhood in our adulthood until we heal it so and that might be their grandparents and their grandparents who'd like pass it down so we either need to heal it now otherwise we're going to pass it down to our kids lewis thank you um you're a very very special individual for so many reasons but i think having had this conversation with you the the most and also you know it's a reflection of your book as well the mask of

masculinity is your ability to be open and vulnerable is i think like the most powerful service especially men can be doing in this world for all the reasons we've described because that like being emotionally in touch and being willing to be open is the foundation of all of our interactions our happiness our mental health our even our physical health and as as is the case in this country at the moment the thing that is unfortunately killing most men under the age of 45 is themselves suicide is the biggest killer of men in in our country under that age group so and it's a reflection of i think the lack of um vulnerability absolutely and the lack of openness and the lack of ability to process and regulate our emotions so having a light like you in the world that is leading that crusade in such an open way even though i know the feeling of discomfort it can even gives me to talk about things like my mental health or how i'm feeling or all those things inspires me and you've inspired me to be more open and in fact you've actually inspired me to go on the journey of like having therapy just for the sake of not because there's i'm like oh i need to fix this but because of the prevention and because of all the unknown unknowns absolutely man so thank you thank you you're an inspiration to me and so many others and it's been a joy to have you on my podcast thanks brother appreciate it [Music] [Music] [Music] ...

0 notes