#this is the longer version of the previous post that I mentioned in the tags

[jamiesfootball]

Anyways. Back before season three aired, my working theory for What Ted's Deal was - with his advice to Jamie, with the panic attacks that were layered Jamie and his son - that it would turn out that his late father had also been abusive, but that with his father's death Ted had never processed it.

Obviously the show didn't go that route, but in general these were the points that I was daisy-chaining together to build something of a narrative flow:

Ted preaches kindness and positivity but also struggles with his own repressed anger and inability to be direct in what he wants. He continually, pathologically, puts people before himself, to the point that it's becoming a breaking point in his marriage.

Ted repeatedly praises 'women' for being the more emotionally intelligent of the genders. He looks at toxic masculinity as not just a thing to be examined and overcome, but the root of why men struggle.

He himself is a product of the same toxic male behavior, and while he tries to lead by example as an individual, there's a part of that culture that he almost sees as... natural? Like a foregone conclusion. A lot of his methods for dealing with the team in season one happen within the same social boundaries he decries. If he can get Roy to step up, if he can get Roy and Jamie to stop fighting and call a truce, then everything else will fall in place, because men follow a hierarchical structure. This is How Locker Rooms Work, and-

I always go back to Jamie's first, open receptiveness to Ted's 'one in eleven' speech as the first sign that Ted doesn't know how to deal with things directly. This scene reads as Ted being very taken aback by Jamie's willingness to listen. It has shades of their later scene at the Crown & Anchor in it, with Ted being the one who pulls away from a conversation that has the ability of getting emotionally direct and real.

Ted's repressed anger. His shouting at Jamie in 1x06 over practice, but also his shouting at Nate when Nate tries to stuff the letter under his hotel room door.

Ted emotionally reaches for the bottle like. A noticeable amount of times. But especially when he's getting divorced.

Every Sunday afternoon Ted's father used to take him to a sports bar. From age of 10 til 16.

Ted's mom is completely incapable of being direct

Ted and his mom never processed or talked about his dad's death

Ted looks devastated when he sees Jamie with his father in the boot room, but ultimately walks away

Ted sends Jamie a token to show he's not alone (Ted soldier)

Next time Jamie tries to talk to Ted at the bar, Jamie opens with addressing the subject directly (the Ted soldier) and Ted deflects. Asks about City. Won't look him in the eye. Doesn't say anything to Jamie admitting he left City to piss off his dad. He just says that line about how sometimes having a tough dad is what makes you better.

He thought he knew what he was doing [about Jamie] but Sam 'went and unsettled it.' Some people aren't lucky enough to have good dads.

Ted welcomes Jamie back but keeps his distance (much more than in season 1).

Ted begins having panic attacks that feature Jamie and his son.

Ted admits panic attacks linked directly to his father's death.

So this takes us through season two, and at this point my working theory was what if it turned out that Ted most of Ted's Ted-ness had been an active effort on his own part to become something less like his own father? It would explain his disdain for male-coded behaviors while also explaining why he seems unable to truly break away from them. it would explain his people-pleasing habits (and meeting his mom and knowing she is also allergic to asking for things, I think this could still fit as a trauma response). It would explain his putting women on a pedestal, if he had a bad male role model to begin with. It would explain how his demeanor around Jamie changes so much when they have the 'tough dads' talk turning into something closed off when his body language with Jamie has always been open before (and there's a lovely parallel with how they're both sat at the bar in that shot too). Hell it would add additional weight to that talk if it turned out he was also speaking of himself. His panic attacks would make sense, seeing himself in Jamie but also his son and his own role as a dad.

That, plus Ted being a character we regularly see drinking something harder than wine or beer, usually when he's emotionally stressed. Plus Ted's dad bringing him to a sports bar every Sunday for years, and at a young age too. Plus Jamie's dad being an alcoholic. That's where I thought this was going- I thought it would turn out that the late Lasso had also been an alcoholic and a tough dad. It just seemed the obvious conclustion at the time, to make the Ted & Jamie parallel into a full parallel.

Then you add in the fact that Ted married his college sweetheart and then waited until they were in their thirties before having a kid (In the midwest. Where he definitely would've been pressured about it) and all of this to me added up to a troubled man who struggled with the idea of becoming a father long before he had a son. Someone who spent years creating a facade, pretending (like his mom) that things were okay. Someone who maybe never felt right blaming his dad for any of it, not when it became so clear at the end how much his dad was struggling.

Only to have that facade crumble the second someone else from similar circumstances showed up to challenge it.

His dad was a product of his time, the same way that Ted is a product of his dad, the same way men are just a product of toxic masculinity, and Ted doesn't know how to 'deal' with any of it but he'd thought he'd gotten to the point in life where he had some solutions. Only to find that those solutions didn't work when held up to a mirror.

So yeah. That was my theory. Then season three happened, and I realized that unfortunately my theory had a flaw. See, I was so busy looking for a Watsonian diagnosis that would make Ted's idiosyncrasies make sense, that I completely missed the fact that the problem was Doylist to begin with. The show writers never meant for us to read into all of that, because the show writers themselves didn't see anything contrary, worrisome, or tone-deaf about Ted's behavior. Not from a toxic masculinity standpoint, and certainly not from the standpoint of discussing abuse of a male character.

It's not Ted who dismisses Jamie's dad's abuse. It's the writers. Which unfortunately means, since Ted by extension is the show, that it is Ted. Which is why all of us are left watching scenes like the 'tough dads' scene or the Mom City scene and going-

What the hell, Ted?

[a-court-of-fics-and-errors]

Keep Moving Forwards, Part 6

Azriel x Reader Fic

Summary: After finally deciding to leave your abusive and manipulative mate for good, you find unexpected companionship with Azriel, the Shadowsinger of the Night Court. As you navigate the aftermath of your traumatic relationship, you struggle to understand where the mating bond went wrong and contemplate your path forward, vowing never to return to the past.

Find other parts here: Master List

Content Warning: This story contains depictions of extreme emotional manipulation and abuse, mentions of physical abuse, loss of a child, and general trauma.

Word Count: 1.7k

Author's Note:

Just a heads-up that the next part of this series will offer two reading options due to sensitive topics in the upcoming section. There will be the original post titled "Keep Moving Forwards, Part 7" with the unedited content, and another version titled "Keep Moving Forwards, Part 7, Summary" that summarizes the material to avoid any discomfort.

For those who have asked to be tagged, you will be automatically tagged in the summarized part to ensure no one accidentally encounters content they might find triggering or uncomfortable. If you are tagged and wish to read the original, please visit my main page when the next part is posted tomorrow at 12:00 PM EST. The two options will be posted simultaneously.

Thank you for your support and understanding. I'll see you tomorrow.

This is a multi-part series. Unlike my previous works, this fanfiction delves deeper than just fluff, exploring complex emotional landscapes. As I navigate this new writing journey, I kindly ask for gentle feedback. The topics addressed are profoundly impactful, touching many lives with diverse experiences. Please be gentle with yourselves and others. Healing is a journey, and everyone processes it differently. Be kind to yourself. Take what resonates, and leave what doesn’t.

Please continue reading, being aware of the above content warnings, ensuring you are in a healthy headspace. Give yourself time to process and be gentle with yourself.

Days blurred together as you continued to heal. Azriel made himself scarce, sending Anthea to check on your progress and report back to him. However, he still ensured your meals were slightly more palatable than the standard fare of the training camp, often adding fruits or sweets when he could. Over the next two days, you shared your meals with Anthea, who only ever took a bite or two before refusing any more, despite your encouragement. Neither of you asked many questions, and your interactions remained brief. You no longer needed help turning over, but your body was still weak, limiting you to short walks across the room.

On your first attempt to walk, you collapsed, and Azriel appeared like a shadow to help you up. You quickly pushed him away, determined to maintain your independence. You also began hiding knives under the mattress and storing non-perishable food in the bedside drawers, preparing for the day you could leave. Your stash included two apples, a pear, and some rolls. Not much, but it was a start.

By the fourth day, you had enough strength to get out of bed and look out the window. The camp outside was a bleak sight. You could see distant mountain ranges, but the camp was nestled in a clearing deep in the woods, a space likely carved out by the Illyrians. The thought of ancient trees felled, sent crashing into the mud for this camp turned your stomach.

The camp itself was a muddy mess. To your right and left, you saw other log cabin-like structures similar to the one you were in, each with pointed roofs and a few windows. Below, the ground sloped down to rows of small, mud-splattered tents on wooden platforms. Footprints crisscrossed the muddy ground, and soldiers moved up and down the hills. In the center of the tent village was a larger log structure, which seemed to be the mess hall, where soldiers gathered at mealtimes.

Scattered among the tents were slightly larger tents, likely for higher-ranking soldiers, and raised platforms with canopies, tables, and chairs, their purpose unclear. On the edges of the camp were fenced-in pens where soldiers, each with their hulking wings, practiced sword fighting. They took great pleasure in knocking each other into the mud and continuing their fights with fists, resembling wild animals.

A particularly ostentatious Illyrian soldier often removed his shirt during fights, choosing to battle bare-chested, swinging his sword with reckless abandon. You half-wondered if only the strongest survived because they were killed before they could even make it to battle.

You noticed very few females around, and the ones you did see were in the same state as Anthea—battered, seemingly brutalized, and sneaking between rows of tents. They quickly retreated to hiding spaces or even into the woods at the sight of a group of males. Over the next few days, you watched Anthea tread a careful path from the mess hall to your cabin, ducking behind tents and listening intently for male footsteps before scurrying like a mouse to the next sheltered area. Every female seemed fearful of the soldiers, and it wasn’t hard to piece together why.

It rained incessantly here, with daily torrential downpours turning the meadow into a muddy quagmire. Despite the rain, the soldiers carried on with their training. Many ventured into the treeline in groups, disappearing for most of the day or night and returning either exhausted or invigorated. You never saw anyone without wings coming or going from the camp, making you acutely aware that you might be the only non-winged creature among them.

Once Anthea decided you had spent enough time wrapped in bandages, she brought you new clothes. She apologized for the fit, noting that they only had sizes for males, and these were the smallest options available. While they hung from your body and required extra rope to keep the pants up, you were grateful for the offer. Azriel continued to flit in and out at random times. In your time spent at the window, you often saw him leaving early in the morning, wandering into the tented area, and entering the larger tents. He rarely interacted with the soldiers, maintaining his role as Spymaster, keeper of the High Lord’s secrets.

On the seventh day, Anthea brought your breakfast and wished you a good morning as she set it down on the bed. You remained curled up by the window, but as she dropped the tray, you called over your shoulder, “I think I would like to go.”

Anthea paused, turning to you. “Go where?” she inquired.

“Just go,” you replied, stretching your legs out and standing to investigate the meal. You picked up a piece of toast with purple jam smeared on it and met her eyes, which widened slightly at your request.

“I don’t understand. Where do you want to go?” she asked again.

You shook your head slightly. “Go away from here.”

“Where are you going?” she asked, picking at the scabs on her hands.

You chewed and swallowed the toast, the rhubarb and strawberry blend coating your tongue with its sour deliciousness. “Not sure yet. I just need to get moving. I can’t stay here anymore.”

Anthea looked at you, still utterly puzzled. “You... you can’t leave.”

You stopped chewing, placing the toast back on the plate and wiping the crumbs on your pants. “What do you mean I can’t?”

“No one leaves,” she stammered. “They always bring you back.”

A lump formed in your throat. It wasn’t that you couldn’t leave; Anthea just couldn’t imagine a world where anyone could. “You tried to leave?” you asked.

Anthea nodded, her gaze cast to the floor. She didn’t elaborate, just continued nodding.

“What happened?”

Anthea shook her head slightly, pressing her fingers into a wound that oozed around them. She didn’t speak.

“Did they hurt you?” you asked.

Anthea still didn’t speak, just shaking her head as she found a new scab to pick at.

“Anthea,” you said, reaching for her to stop her from scratching. She took two steps back immediately, running into the swords and axes poised at the edge of the fireplace, sending them clanging to the floor. Azriel appeared instantly as Anthea dropped to the floor, trying to pick up the weapons while apologizing profusely. He looked between Anthea and you, trying to piece together what had happened. Anthea continued apologizing until Azriel knelt beside her and began picking up the weapons too. She whispered her apologies again before Azriel placed his hands on her shoulders. She jumped slightly, and her eyes seemed to glaze over.

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “Nothing is wrong.”

Anthea nodded, tears filling her eyes as Azriel released her. She quickly stood, glanced at you with a tear rolling down her cheek, then briskly walked out of the room, covering her mouth with her hand. You turned to the window and watched her exit the house, heading into the nearby woods.

Azriel finished placing the weapons back in their spots before turning to you. “What happened?” he asked.

You watched the treeline for a second, and when Anthea didn’t reappear, you turned back towards him. “Nothing,” you said.

Azriel looked around the room, then back at you. “You’re standing.”

“Yes,” you replied.

“That’s,” he paused, stuttering slightly, “that’s good.”

You nodded before taking a few steps toward him. “I want to leave.”

A flash of emotion crossed Azriel’s face, but it was gone before you could read it. “Where are you going?” he asked.

You looked up at him, noting how he towered over you, forcing you to crane your neck to see his face. “It’s none of your concern.”

Azriel sighed, running his hand through his hair—a gesture you had begun to notice he did when nervous or uncomfortable.

“Look, I-” Azriel started.

You interrupted him, “I appreciate what you’ve done, and you’ve been very generous. I just think I need to move on.”

“If this is about what happened earlier-” Azriel started again, but you cut him off once more.

“It has nothing to do with that,” you noted. “I just want to be on my way and out of your hair.”

Azriel paused, searching for the right words. “Let me at least get you where you want to go,” he finally said. “It’s not like your journey was going well the last time.”

You scoffed lightly. “There’s no need for that.”

“Please,” Azriel insisted.

“If I say no, will you make me stay?” you asked.

Azriel paused. “No. I won’t make you stay.”

“Good,” you replied. “I want to leave then. Today.”

Azriel’s eyes widened. “No, that’s not a good idea.”

“Why not?”

Azriel glanced out the window as clouds began rolling in for the daily downpour. “It’s going to rain soon.”

You didn’t bother looking out the window. “Then I will leave after.”

Azriel looked back at you, his eyes pleading. “Can you just wait a few more days?”

“What am I waiting for?” you asked shortly.

“Just give me some time to plan.”

Your brows furrowed. “Given you aren’t coming with me, I don’t particularly understand what you need to plan for.”

“Just, please,” Azriel pleaded, his eyes filled with yearning. “Stay a few more days, and then you can leave.”

You ground your teeth, feeling like a caged animal. “Fine.” There was no way you could push past him, and it was clear he could outrun you if you tried.

“Thank you,” he said, his face relaxing slightly. He ran his hand over his face. “What happened with Anthea?” he asked again.

You stopped, annoyed he repeated the question. “I asked her if I could leave, and before she could answer, she accidentally knocked down the swords.” You pointed to the weapons now restacked.

“Got it,” Azriel responded. He glanced at your half-eaten breakfast. “Are you done with this?” he asked.

You nodded, crossing your arms, the bruise on your side causing a pang of pain.

Azriel picked up the tray and left, leaving you alone in the room once more. It was clear your request had bothered him as his anxiety left hard rock in your stomach. You wouldn’t be staying long, certainly not a few more days.

Authors Note: Thanks for all the continued support from the following readers who asked to be tagged!

@thatacotargirl @mcuamerica @lilah-asteria @florabelll @fightmedraco @marvelbros-oneshots @mariahoedt @quinzzelx @romantasyreader28 @minnieoo @mysteriouslydeafeningwerewolf @annabethgranger123 @krowiathemythologynerd @scatteredstardustt @romantasyreader28

[maniculum]

Bestiaryposting Results: Basekhwa

Interesting one this time, in that we've got a lot of details, but not a lot of specificity as to what it looks like. The most we get is phrases like "with a tap of the hoof" which can cue us into the fact that it has hooves. Mostly we hear about things it does. So, before we see what people did with that, the obligatory links.

If you are confused as to what this post is about, please see https://maniculum.tumblr.com/bestiaryposting. The specific entry this week's artists are working from can be found here:

And now, art below the cut in roughly chronological order.

@sweetlyfez (link to post here) got hers in first this week, and it's a really charming creature. I think the colored-pencil medium gives the drawing a little extra something. A really clever interpretation here, I think, is that it has a trunk for catching snakes -- which makes sense if you think about it. The first thing we're told about them is:

Basekhwas are the enemies of snakes; when they feel weighed down with weakness, they draw snakes from their holes with the breath of their noses and, overcoming the fatal nature of their venom, eat them and are restored.

If an animal is luring snakes out by putting its nose against their hidey-holes, it seems entirely sensible to have the nose do double duty as an appendage for dealing with the snakes when they come out. I also enjoy the long flappy ears and the tapir-like coloration. This one, it seems, has been shot -- the entry does say they're an easy mark for archers -- but that's what the snake is for. (And thank you for the alt text.)

@silverhart-makes-art (link to post here) notes that a creature that is mentioned to have both hooves and horns is surely an ungulate. I don't know enough about taxonomy to comment, so sure! They've picked a couple different ungulates to mix together for this design -- for details on that, see the linked post -- and given it a horn structure that's ideal for scooping up snakes from the ground, which I like. They describe it as turning out quite "feral unicorn-esque", which I can definitely see.

@cheapsweets (link to post here) brings us another detailed pen drawing. In their laudable drive to incorporate as much of the material as possible, we can see that they have found a creative way to show us additional scenes in this animal's life: in little vignettes on the Stylized Tree. Another fun nose on this one, too -- CheapSweets notes that it's inspired by the saiga antelope. All of this is very good, and the baby hidden in the bush is adorable. For detailed discussion of this art and how it relates to the entry, please see the linked post. (And thank you for the alt text.)

@pomrania (link to post here) regrettably was unable to do a final version, but posted their doodles. Given that I'm tagged in the post, I assumed they were meant to be put here. I kind of like the glimpse here into their process, with all these different scenes from the entry being brought in to toy with. Also I think the one labelled "frozen" is quite funny, and I enjoy that one is labelled "baby".

@strixcattus (link to post here) gives us this rather chimeric creature that kind of makes me think of an okapi if you turned the "different fur patterns in the front and back" thing up to 11. What I really like here is the horn asymmetry -- there's a little of it in CheapSweets's entry, in the middle vignette if you look close, but Strixcattus is taking it to another level. Both artists seem to have been inspired by the same part of the entry, i.e., this sentence:

Of their horns, the right-hand one is better for medical purposes.

If one horn is better medicine than the other, it's pretty reasonable to think they might look different. What I think is interesting here is that CheapSweets decided the medicinal horn should be the longer one, but Strixcattus made it the shorter one. Much to think about. (Oh, and the way it's posed so that the horns frame the sun is also really cool in my opinion.) As usual, please check out the linked post for Strixcattus's modernized description of this beast; I think this week's is particularly interesting actually.

Side note: I did a quick google to make sure that the okapi was indeed the animal I was thinking of and this was the first suggested question in the results (note that I just searched "okapi", no other words) :

... oh dear. The way search results are changing really is going to be a problem, isn't it?

@coolest-capybara (link to post here) has drawn something I find delightful. (And not just because I like her medieval-inspired style.) I actually laughed out loud seeing this one just because it's such a fun take. Here we have a Basekhwa "weighed down with weakness" and "draw[ing] snakes from their holes with the breath of [its] nose." I think everyone else went with "the breath is a lure and then the Basekhwa grabs/stabs/stomps/bites them", but Coolest-Capybara decided that it's not exhaling, it's inhaling, and it just hoovers the snakes out. I love it. Both the tired-looking Basekhwa and the rather panicked-looking snake are amazing. (And thank you for the alt text.)

Anyway, to the Aberdeen Bestiary:

... um.

Yeah, there are a few of these -- I think this is the second we've seen so far. Someone cut out an illustration at some point. So we're going to look towards the "sister manuscript", the Ashmole Bestiary:

So this one is... a deer.

I didn't know any of that stuff about deer, did you?

Not much I have to add here, but let me share a folk etymology I redacted for this entry.

The offspring of the deer are called hinnuli, 'fawns', from innuere, 'to nod', because at a nod from their mother, they vanish from sight.

I just... I don't think that's true.

[serenaoffaerun]

Tenacity - Chapter 3 of the "Consequences" series

It's finally here!! Thank you all for your patience. Because of the physical letter writing I drew for Tav and Gale's back-and-forth, this took much longer than I anticipated. Plus, the story just kind of...ran away with itself... This chapter comes in at a word count over 8,000 and I don't know how that happened LOL.

Big thanks again to @alpydk who started off this series with what was supposed to be a one-off angst story, and allowed me to write my own sequel chapters to finish the story my own way. (Alphydk's chapter 2 can be found here.) As my first long-form writing in over a decade, it's been a fun challenge to take two characters I love so much and get them out of a position I wouldn't have put them in in the first place. 💜

Without making you all endure any more of my "propensity towards verbosity," I present chapter 3: Tenacity (complete with hand-written letters!)

Summary: After agreeing to try to re-establish their friendship/relationship by writing letters back and forth, Tav and Gale set out on their journey of communicating, listening, and healing. You better believe they're both going to hold on for dear life.

Word Count: 8,289 (I'm not sorry.)

CW: References to depression, alcoholism

Tags: GalexTav, angst/fluff, pre-established (albeit rocky) relationship, future smut? (no spoilers...), brief mention of infertility (in a positive way??), depresso espresso, communication, healing, Tara's getting ALL the tuna.

[I'm sure I left some out, I'll come back and add to it once I get this on AO3 - coming soon!!]

Screenshot: Taken from my own gameplay. Please do not re-post as your own.

NOTE: For those who don't want to read Tav's mediocre (but improving) handwriting or Gale's flowy cursive, the text version is printed below each letter (including doodle descriptions!)

9/2 4:45PM Pacific - EDIT FOR MORE NOTES:

My underlines went away when I copy/pasta'd from GoogleDocs, and now I realize that you can't underline because of links, so they're bolded and italicized instead.

REGARDING BHAALSPAWN INFERTILITY - this is NOT canon to BG3/DnD/Forgotten Realms. I totally made this up to fit my literary needs. 😉

Alpydk's chapter 1: Consequences

Chapter 2: Acquiescence

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tav assessed herself before she even opened her eyes. Between the wine and the crying, she was probably the most dehydrated person in all of Faerûn. The pounding headache she was used to. She'd made blackout curtains for a reason, after all. But the soul-wrenching nausea, that was new.

Being blissfully infertile, she knew there was no risk of pregnancy. One of her permanent "gifts" as Bhaal's former Chosen was the ability to be as promiscuous as she pleased without fear of pregnancy in order to weasel her way into the hearts, minds, and pants of any of her previous victims. Not that she'd needed that ability since the Nautiloid, or especially her subsequent severing from said god. But this was no ordinary nausea anyway. It was coming from somewhere much more complex.

Among the growing list of sensations Tav noticed from her downward-facing zombie position on the couch, she found two long-lost friends: the physical feeling of being simultaneously sated but also achingly empty in her core, and...hope. Surprisingly enough, she realized it was the latter that brought on the nausea.

Crippling anxiety, overwhelming depression, stabbing guilt, these are feelings she was familiar with and knew how to handle: with denial and alcohol. Just ball it up and shove it in the "future ulcer" pocket by the stomach and cover it up with a bottle of wine or two.

Hope, on the other hand, is a fickle bitch. It introduces the possibility of a better future. The idea that things could get better. Then comes the uncertainty.

‘Desirable things in life are never guaranteed,’ she told herself. ‘You can always lose them. Don't get TOO comfortable! You might still have to live the rest of your life without the man you truly believe is your soulmate.’

Tav had NEVER believed in the idea of a ‘soulmate’ before. That was even more laughable than ‘love at first sight.’ But she’d come to believe it now.

‘And you fucked it up, didn't you? You let yourself have the worst lapse in judgment, then you doubled down on it by screaming and being a hurtful wretch. You did this. You did this and you don’t deserve forgiveness, you don’t deserve mercy. No one else will ever fill the hole in your heart, so you’re going to die alone and unloved. That’s what you deserve.’  

The words from the voice in her head kept playing on a loop for the last six months and they wouldn’t shut up. Drowning them out with wine and sleep had become her modus operandi. There’d been nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope for. It was the way things were going to be, she’d accepted it. Especially in the last few months after Waterdeep. She couldn’t have her heart broken again if she didn’t expect anything.

But now, new words were taking up space in her brain. His words.

‘…there was a time that we’d also brought out the best in each other, once. I refuse to believe we can’t find our way back there again.’

‘Fuck.’ Those words had stolen her breath. Given her reason to think that there was a chance. That maybe he would give her the mercy she knew she didn’t deserve. Gale was just that kind of man.

If that were truly the case, though, why did he shut her out so quickly in the first place without getting to even talk about things. Why did he go straight to the biting comments and yelling instead of showing any kind of signs of forgiveness being a possibility.

‘Because you ripped out his heart that was already broken and threw it on the ground with all the remains of any self-confidence he had left after Mystra, you inconsiderate, unfaithful monster. It’s a wonder he’s still alive.’

These were the new conversations Tav now had running back and forth in her head and that’s where the source of the nausea was seated. In the unknown future where happiness still existed. Along the path that could go to life-long depression and loneliness or a blissful existence with the man who completed her, and she wouldn’t know which way she’d end up traveling until she got there. It was terrifying.

‘I refuse to believe we can’t find our way back there again.’

Face still mashed in the couch pillow, she balled up her fist and slammed it down into the cushion. Depression wasn’t going to win today. Or any other day, for that matter, at least not like it had been. She would not allow herself to be swept up in the waves of self-loathing and doubt to the point of being non-functional. Not anymore.

She took a deep breath and sat up, eyes still closed. There was a warmth on her face that she knew would be the late-morning sun coming in through the living room window. As she cracked her eyes open, she winced as the light seared into her brain and fired off pain signals. Slowly, she stood up, walked across the room, and felt around for the blackout curtains.

Medicine. Shower. Food. In that order.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Looking around the room later that day, Tav felt pretty proud of herself. Once she got herself cleaned, fed, and a bit more clear-headed, she opened the curtains again and opened all the windows. Her little depression hole needed a good airing out.

Starting with all the trash, she got rid of the wine bottles, the old food, even the bin filled with dirt and burned clothing. After washing off surfaces and sweeping floors, she put all the books back on the shelf, keeping a box full of scrolls and a quill pulled out on her desk. One sandwich and two sinks full of dishes later, it was nearing night time, but she had one more task ahead of her: the letter.

She’d been chewing over words in her head all day, but she still had no idea where to start. How do you even begin a letter like this? ‘Hi, Gale’? ‘Dear Gale,’? ‘Esteemed Professor Dekarios,’? If the greeting was this difficult, how would she even move on to the rest of the letter? She knew for damn sure that she wasn’t quite ready to be fully emotionally vulnerable, especially with him (even though he’s the only one she should ideally be emotionally vulnerable with…).

‘Welp, might as well just start,’ she said to herself as she sighed.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hi Gale,  [in the top right hand corner was a little swirly doodle with some flowers and leaves. Next to it was written ‘I don’t have fancy paper, so I tried to do something cute?]

I’m having trouble starting this letter, so I figured maybe just admitting that is as good of a place as any. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what you want to hear, I don’t know what will help or what will just hurt… Here’s what I do know:

-          I’m sorry. [there are tear stains on the paper here]

-          There’s no excuse for what I did.

-          I don’t even know if I know the reason for what I did.

-          I don’t feel like I deserve your patience, your forgiveness, your mercy, anything, really. Your anger is totally justifiable.

-          I don’t know who I was that night or in the months following.

Except, I do. I’d reverted back to the person abomination I walked away from. The hateful, murderous, evil, wretched thing I said I’d never be again. Yet, I can’t claim that I wasn’t in my right mind at the time either. I never lost consciousness. I was aware of the decisions I was making. I just don’t understand why I made them in the first place, other than I’d lost hope. I’d stopped trusting you. I’d assumed you were going to leave me and go back to Mystra or pursue godhood where you’d no longer be…you. [Next to this is a small sketch of a broken heart.]

Here's what else I know:

-          You didn’t deserve that.

-          I don’t deserve you.

[Below this was another item that was heavily crossed out, but you can make out the words ‘I still’.]

(this letter is a mess, I’m sorry. I’m just…flustered)

[On the right side of the paper, there was a list of four items outlined in a rectangle, above which was written ‘Good things’ – a question mark had followed this, but it was crossed out with an X. The four items are:]

-          I took a shower today.

-          I cleaned my house for the first time in weeks today.

-          I’m going to stop drinking for a while.

-          I’m exhausted and I’m going to bed.

It’s not ‘the letter of a lifetime,’ but it’s a start. I hope you’re well and that your students aren’t giving you too much of a hassle. Can’t be as bad as slaying a whole camp of goblins, right? [Here there was a small doodle of a goblin head, X’s for eyes and tongue sticking out, laying in a pool of blood next to a sword.]

I look forward to hearing from you. Take care of yourself, please.

-Tav

P.S. I’m working on my handwriting. I’m sorry if any of this is illegible. Not really a subject that was covered in “Bhaalspawn University.”

[At the bottom of the letter was drawn a curvy vine with leaves, flowers, and flower buds.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Gale swallowed thickly as he held the letter in his trembling hands.

‘She did it. She actually wrote, and it wasn’t full of anger and insults. It was a real, honest-to-the-gods attempt at talking.’

His eyes shimmered as he re-read two lines over and over again:

-          You didn’t deserve that.

-          I don’t deserve you.

His heart ached as he pondered the fact that she thought so little of herself. It made him remember his inner monologue after the debacle with Mystra and the orb. All Gale told himself for a year was that he’d made mistakes so huge that no one should have to ever bear the burden of his presence again. Anyone who showed any affection towards him, platonic or otherwise, was a fool who was wasting their time. They’d just end up being let down by this depressed shadow of a former Archmage. Knowing that Tav was the one now who truly felt she wasn’t deserving of forgiveness or mercy brought tears to his eyes.

He felt a bit lighter, however, at the implication that she even cared whether or not she was worthy of him. Not only cared, but was taking bolder steps forward. She’d apologized, she’d wished him well, she’s taking care of herself… Then it dawned on him that she’d gotten so low that a task as mundane as taking a shower was to be celebrated on a list of positive things.

Oh, did he remember that pit of despair well. He’d spent a year down at the bottom of it. Cut off from all outside contact, forgetting (or refusing) to eat, going days, even a week or more without bathing because he didn’t have anyone to see anyway. No point in expending the energy.

Now, however, Gale was at least teaching. That had kept him going. Even if he didn’t interact with many people outside of Blackstaff Academy, he was still getting dressed, going to a place with other people, and teaching Faerûn’s youth to harness and control the Weave.

But what of Tav? How often was she seeing others? It seems she had relocated after all. The return address is listed in Daggerford, a town not far south of Waterdeep full of retired adventurers, artisans, craftsmen, and farmers. A relatively quiet place compared to Baldur’s Gate, but still a city with plenty of opportunities. (And only a three-, maybe four-day travel from Gale. That would explain how easily she ended up in Waterdeep in the marketplace on that cold, rainy day…).

He remembered her telling everyone how much of a hero she’d been at the reunion party. What happened to her adventuring? Would she even be home enough for their letter-writing to be consistent? She’d made no mention of her activities, that was something he’d want to follow up on. As much as it would have previously brought him satisfaction to see her put in her place for everything she’d said, cut off from others and alone, now it just caused an ache in his chest.

The threads of his bitterness and rage had already begun unraveling. He’d been letting the truth sink in since the reunion: Tav had acted reckless and lashed out because she was scared. Scared of losing him. The thought of him abandoning her for Mystra or for godhood drove her to seek pleasure in someone else. Yet he hadn’t bothered to get to the root of the problem at the time. All he knew was that he had his heart broken. He had been betrayed. He had been ‘abandoned.’

He sighed heavily as the pangs of grief and remorse started to take hold. What a fool he’d been. A self-centered, arrogant, quick-tempered fool. But he shook those thoughts out of his head. This wasn’t the time to keep dwelling on what he had or hadn’t done in the past. Where the ball of anger had resided in his chest, just as roiling and hungry as the Netherese orb had been, he felt the tension had begun to break apart. There was still much healing to do, but now there was a little room for the patience and understanding he’d wished he’d displayed before.

He re-read the letter again, chuckling lightly at her doodles and scratches. Her handwriting had much improved, she gave herself too little credit. It was good to see she still had her silly sense of humor as well. She hadn’t been completely robbed of her beautiful qualities.

Draining the last sip of wine in his cup, he arose from his spot on the balcony and walked inside to sit at his desk. One thing nagged at him before he could start writing his response, though. Underneath the bottom list where she said she didn’t deserve him, she’d written something and then furiously scratched it out. He thought he might know what it said, but didn’t want to get carried away if he was wrong. Holding the letter carefully in front of the lit candle on his desk, he stared at the scratches, trying to piece together the words underneath. His breath caught when his eyes brought them together:

‘I still’

I still… Still what? I still hear the voice of the Dark Urge? I still won’t forgive you?

No. Given the context of what was said and the direction they were going, it had to mean only one thing. He would only allow himself to think it was one thing.

‘I still love you.’

Hoping with everything he had that it was true, he took another deep breath and pulled out a scroll from his desk drawer. It was his turn now.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dear Tav, [In small writing to the right of the greeting, it says (my ‘fancy paper’ is at the academy) with a winking face doodle.]

Sometimes I think I’d prefer a good goblin massacre to a room full of hormonal teenage wizards learning to control a firebolt spell, but each day is a new adventure, after all! [After this sentence, Gale had doodled a flame, his head/hair with wisps of smoke, and in small writing with an arrow pointing to the drawings, (I tried).]

Thank you for your thoughts, and especially for your apology. I can’t in good conscience say that everything is forgotten, but I fully believe we are on the right path forward.

I would also like to apologize, because you deserve it. You are so much more deserving than you think you are of kindness, understanding and, yes, when I am able, forgiveness. I understand, likely better than anyone else you might know, how strongly self-loathing can take hold.

Which is why I want to tell you that I’m proud of you. I don’t know what you’ve been up to in recent months. I heard you telling the others about some adventuring opportunities, but I gather from your letter that self-care had gone by the wayside. I’m proud and happy to hear that you’re starting to focus on yourself. Yes, I agree with you: showering, cleaning, limiting alcohol intake, and even being tired enough to go to bed are all good things. I hope you continue being kind to yourself.

Admittedly, I’d fallen into a similar rut. While I get plenty of social interaction at the academy, my extra-curricular life has been…non-existent. I come home to my tower, I usually remember to eat, I grade papers, stay up entirely too late researching, and then attempt to get enough sleep to repeat that schedule ad nauseum. The cleanliness of my home, and myself, had been sorely neglected. But as you are focusing on self-improvement, I shall endeavor to do likewise.

Speaking of self-improvement, that’s where the letter-writing idea came from. Rather, through Tara’s efforts to help me during my year of isolation. She’d suggested I do some journalling to write out my thoughts and emotions regarding Mystra. Not only to get them to stop rolling around in my head, but to be able to articulate them. It did help, quite immeasurably, in fact. That’s why I’m so thankful you’ve agreed to this in the first place. I feel like it will serve us well. [A filled-in purple heart was drawn here.]

Actually, I can’t tell you how many letters I started writing to you in the last six months. I really did try. It just always felt…wrong, somehow. Like it wasn’t the right time, or my words weren’t sincere, or they’d fall on deaf ears. But I’m so glad we’re ‘talking’ now. I’ve missed you, Tav… [A filled-in but broken purple heart was drawn here.]

Tell me what you’ve been up to! Tell me your thoughts. Tell me any and everything you want to. I’ll be waiting to take it all in.

Yours,

Gale

[To the left on the bottom, Gale had drawn an open book with an ink pot and a quill. In the middle on the bottom, Tara had been drawn, wings outstretched, lying down, eyes closed, with a small note: (Tara’s sleeping on my desk and she’s adorable!). On the right under his signature, Gale drew a wand with sparkling stars and a curved line of weave making a flourish.]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dear Gale – [Here, she had drawn a wand with stars similar to the one he’d put by his name in his letter]

Thank you for saying that you’ve wanted to talk this whole time. That makes me feel so much better. I never put quill to parchment, but I started countless letters in my head. Like you said, it just never felt right. [After this, Tav drew a scroll, an ink pot, and a quill.]

This does feel like the right path at the right time, but to be honest, Gale…I’m scared. I’m scared to put everything on the table again. With how much I got we got hurt last time we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable with each other, I can’t go through that again. Nor do I want you to go through it again. [Tav had drawn two filled in broken hearts after this paragraph.]

It humbles me to think you feel I’m deserving of good things. Truly. I don’t feel like I am, so I suppose it’s good that someone in this world does. Your encouragement in taking care of myself is unexpected, but ultimately not surprising. That’s just who you are. I’m thankful to hear that you’re taking it upon yourself to improve as well. [Here, Tav had drawn some grapes and cheese on a plate, and to the right of it, a broom and dust pan.]

I fully understand, however, that you can’t forgive me, at least not yet. (I wouldn’t forgive me either.) Hopefully I can begin to earn it over time. I’m not going to sit here and defend my actions with trying to find solace in Mizora’s…experience. It wasn’t even fulfilling, if it makes you feel any better. (It won’t, I know you). It was just tricks of the mind and a devil’s words of promises for things I didn’t even desire. (Perhaps the ‘old me’ would have.) I regretted it immediately, yet it has marked me forever.

But I know that how it left me afterwards is not the point. The point is why I let myself go along with it in the first place. I’ve done a lot of thinking in the last months, especially since the reunion. Let me preface this by saying that I am not shifting the blame. I still made the decision to give in. However, after days and weeks of your near-obsession with the Crown of Karsus, I could see that look in your eyes. You couldn’t stop thinking about the power it could offer. Power that we know all too well would only corrupt you and change you. Then, your meeting with Mystra, introducing her back into your life with her deal to get rid of the orb for the crown… I could feel you slipping away from me.

[On the left side by the words Crown of Karsus, Tav had drawn the crown with a big ‘X’ through it. Near where Mystra is mentioned, she drew a scared ‘Mystra,’ identified as ‘witch bitch,’ being threatened by Tav with a dagger.’]

What I should have done was keep talking to you, seeking reassurance. I should have spat in Mizora’s face and told her to get the fuck out. [In this area, Tav drew herself spitting in Mizora’s face.] I should have sought solace in your embrace, in your words, in your love… But one thing I need you to understand: I was brought up my whole life to be let down. Every success came with a defeat. Every win came with a loss. Every gift came with a sacrifice. You were the most important gift I will ever have in this world or the next. I was positive I was going to lose it, so…I don’t know. I think maybe I wanted to push it from myself first before it was taken outside of my control? Mizora approaching me with her “offer”… She knew exactly what she was doing: giving me an “out” that she knew I would take because I was at my most vulnerable.

For all my accolades being a “Hero of Baldur’s Gate” and savior to many, I clearly didn’t have the strength to stand up to her temptations. I let her use the fact that I have major trust issues to weasel her way into my deepest fears and exploit them. I didn’t have a chance. It doesn’t excuse my actions, but I hope it at least explains them.

I’m running out of parchment. You asked what I’ve been up to. If it’s of any comfort, things are going well enough. I’m eating mostly regularly, I’m keeping up with the chores, and I’m even starting to finally organize some garden space in the yard. I’m trying to spend some time outside every day, and I’ve replaced the wine with various teas. They’re small steps, but they’re steps.

I don’t know if I’ve gotten us closer to any kind of resolution, but hopefully my words can fill in some of the gaps. I look forward to hearing your response.

Thank you, by the way, for giving me something to look forward to again.

I’ve missed you too. Very much so.

Humbly yours,

Tav

[At the bottom left of the page, she drew a cup of tea]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dearest Tav, [to the right of the greeting, it says in smaller writing (I apologize for the condition of this letter. It was rather difficult to write.) The letter is littered with smudges where tears had fallen and letter had been re-written over them.]

As I wrote my last letter and have been pondering your response, it weighs on me just how grave a mistake I also made. The blame for our downfall does not fully rest with you. (Let me finish…)

Feeling like you’re not worthy, like you made too big of a mistake to recover from; you know how familiar I am with those thoughts. Looking back, this means I should have been the one who was there for you the most. Yet I wasn’t. I was the furthest one away.

I agree with you that my anger was justified. I’d felt like I’d been told I wasn’t enough for you, which is exactly what I feared from the beginning. In my mind, you had openly told the entire world that Gale Dekarios, fallen Archmage of Waterdeep, scorned by Mystra herself, could not, in fact, make you or anyone else happy. You had to go find your pleasure elsewhere.

Where my mistake lies is in never stopping to think how much you had to have been hurting in order to find solace in Mizora in the first place. I don’t think I even gave you the chance to confirm you hadn’t been possessed, quite frankly. It’s no wonder your defenses went up immediately. My reaction, while potentially understandable, was absolutely awful.

I am so sorry that I never gave you a chance to talk things through before letting my hurt and rage take over. What I should have done was walk away and screamed into the void instead of at you before hearing any kind of explanation. I suppose I figured there would never be one good enough. Never did I think until recently that I could have possibly had something to do with you feeling pushed in that direction. I should have been more reassuring. I should have given you no reason to doubt my love for you and my dedication to you.

The possibilities that came with the crown had taken over my waking thoughts, and even infiltrated my dreams. Providing an eternal life without conflicts for both you and I sounded like the perfect solution, and I became hyper-focused. You had tried telling me that you were scared, that you didn’t want me to lose my humanity. I just still thought I was smarter and had this whole grand plan all figured out and you would realize it eventually.

[Before the next paragraph is drawn an infinity symbol, a heart nestled into the loops on either side.]

But I didn’t do enough to put your mind at ease. I didn’t help you understand that I wouldn’t have actually left had it come down to choosing between you and the crown. I never, never would have left you, Tav. As I shouted rather rudely before, I only ever truly wanted you. I assumed you knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt, so I didn’t spend any time reinforcing it. I let my focus drift too far. Then, I left you scared and alone afterwards with no chance to explain. I, the ex-Chosen and ex-lover of a goddess, from whom he should have learned humility after his hubris, the man to whom you showed so much kindness and understanding and support when anyone else would have run in the other direction, I couldn’t even show a fraction of that back to you.

Taviela, my heart, I am so, so incredibly sorry that I wasn’t there for you. When you pulled me from that portal and later heard my harrowing tale of foolishness and desperation, you stood by me. You took care of me and encouraged me, and I threw that back in your face at the first opportunity. It will be a long time before I can forgive myself for that. But I humbly, honestly, and hopefully ask if you could ever forgive me. I understand if you cannot, but know that I will spend the rest of my life proving myself to you.

Please keep telling me your thoughts, Tav. I want to hear them. I need to hear them.

Repentantly yours,

Gale

P.S. I’m far too emotional at the moment to do many little doodles, but yours warm my heart. Please keep doing them. [A filled in heart was drawn here. He had also drawn a simple version of the wand and stars under his name.]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My Dearest Gale, [Across the top of the page was a wand, a wavy line of weave, and small stars.]

I’ve been staring at this parchment for at least an hour, but I haven’t been able to write anything until now. I’m sobbing at your words. Your insight about everything I put you through, the weight of what happened after all your hurts and insecurities from Mystra and the orb, the fear of being inadequate to me… That weight is almost too much to bear. I’ve berated myself for months now for hurting you, but the full impact never hit me until I read it in your words. I want to fall on my knees and cry at your feet and beg for mercy. But how could you possibly ever forgive me? I’m sorrier than you will ever know for allowing you causing you to feel that way again.

Also, to think that you are taking any of this upon yourself so strongly, I really don’t know what to say about that either. I still feel like this is all due to my deficiencies. My weaknesses. My fuck-ups. But I can understand where you’re coming from, wanting to take some responsibility. All I’ll say is that there is nothing to forgive anymore. I hold no more ill will towards you. We both acted like children throwing tantrums, but we were each already pushed to our limits and didn’t stop to think about, well, anything, really.  [Tav had drawn 5 filled in hearts here, along with writing (I don’t know what else to doodle here because I’m also emotional).]

It feels cheap to keep coming back to my upbringing, but it’s an unfortunate reality where I’m concerned. Everything was always a bitter fight of either words or daggers. There was no real “communication” to speak of. There were no “feelings” shared. It was all cruel lessons with harsh punishments. ‘Be a bitch, or get walked over’ was something I told myself a lot. I never truly learned to stop and step back and give things time to breathe. Putting myself in another person’s shoes is something I’ve forced myself to learn, especially during our adventures.

I have a confession to make. When I (literally) ran into you in Waterdeep a few months ago, it wasn’t just happenstance. I’d come there with a purpose. The downward spiral had begun weeks prior and I was nearing rock bottom. I came to look for you. To see if you were possibly even half as miserable as I was without you. I was certain you would be, and that it would give me a reason to approach you. We would be on common ground and might actually be able to talk. [On the right side of the page, Tav had drawn an open book sitting in a puddle of water in the rain. On the pages of the book it said ‘I’m sorry about the books.’]

But then I saw you. You were in the marketplace, smiling, making small talk with the merchants, even laughing with them. You looked full of life. You looked like you were doing just fine – without me. My heart dropped into my shoes and I’d considered just walking away, never letting you see I was even there. But something in me snapped. I apparently just had to get in a couple more digs before I walked away forever. That was childish and unacceptable and I’m sorry I put you in that position. (I don’t blame you one bit for the Hold Person spell, for the record. I deserved it.) [Tav had drawn the symbol for the Hold Person spell here, along with Tav approves.]

Please forgive me, but I’m emotionally spent. I think I’ll wrap this up to send in the morning, go sit on the back porch with a cup of tea, and just think for a while.

Still yours,

Tav

[Along the left side of the bottom of the page, Tav drew a small flower garden. On the right side, a cup of tea.]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My Darling Taviela, [On the right side of the top of the page was carefully drawn an eternity symbol. Inside each side was a heart – a G written in the one on the left, a T written in the one on the right. Next to it, Gale wrote:] (I’ve been doodling this a lot lately.)

My heart aches for you, for us both. You’re right. There’s nothing to forgive anymore. We were both stretched so far beyond our limits, no wonder we broke down. We both have acted out of turn, we both have put ourselves through the wringer, and we both built impossibly high walls around ourselves. I’m happy to say that I believe we can push those walls down now. I want to move forward in whatever way we can, even if that ends up being as friends (though judging by your comments, it doesn’t sound like that will be the case, but please correct me if I’m reading the situation incorrectly).

I have a confession for you, in light of your revelations regarding our “run-in” in the marketplace. It was all an act to save face out in public. The laughter, the ‘life’ you say you saw in me, the light-hearted interactions – they were all a façade. I was miserable without you, however angry I was. After that interaction, it got even worse. I felt awful immediately, leaving you standing there shivering in the rain. [Gale had drawn a hand getting smacked by a ruler with words in a bubble outlined in sharp angles: BAD WIZARD!] I couldn’t believe that, even though there was some provocation, that I’d still reverted to such a childish response. I sank further into my depressive state. I almost didn’t come to the reunion with our companions either, actually. It felt like more of an effort to get myself put together than I was capable of. Fortunately, Tara snapped me out of it.

Speaking of Tara, I’ve been working on getting her to be more understanding. I’m sure you have noticed that her protectiveness of me overrides any kind of empathetic nature towards anyone who has caused me even a lick of hurt. But she’s come a long way in understanding both sides of our…predicament. I’ll keep at it, for both of our sakes. [A trail of small paw prints was drawn after this.]

I’m pleased to say that I’ve been keeping up with the cleaning, [on the right side of the page, Gale doodled a robed hand holding a sparking wand next to two balls of dust that look like rabbits. Underneath was written, (dust bunnies).] I feel like I finally have a handle on my students and my lesson-planning, and I’ve found joy in cooking meals again. Too much time is being spent grading sub-par assignments in the evenings, I’ll admit, but it comes with the territory. My heart has been all the lighter in the last couple of weeks, and it’s all thanks to you: your words, your patience, and willingness to work on…well, us.

What have you been up to lately? Any more adventuring opportunities coming your way? Are you doing any traveling? I wonder if there’s any chance our paths might cross in the near future.

I’ll admit, my mind has been wandering to thoughts of seeing you again. I miss the warmth of your embrace, the sparkle in your smile, the feeling of home when I look into your eyes – I feel like a part of me has been missing since our falling out.

I was actually thinking… What would you say to coming back to Waterdeep for a proper visit?

Take care of yourself, my darling [a filled-in heart was drawn here]

Gale (no fancy drawing in my name this time. Just me, missing you.) [above this, Gale had drawn a side profile of himself from the chest up, looking down, eyes closed, a tear falling from his eye.]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The letters had been going back and forth at a regular, weekly pace. It was about six weeks after the reunion, which already seemed like forever ago. They had come so far, and his words made her realize that she missed him more than she knew was possible.

However, when Tav saw the last question in Gale’s letter, she froze. Her chest tightened and her breath quickened. She got dizzy, her hands shook, and her mind raced, tears threatening to overflow onto her cheeks. She was having a panic attack.

She threw the letter in her top desk drawer, slammed it shut, ran down the hall, and pulled the lever for her shower without bothering to warm the water first. Fully clothed, she stood underneath the cold deluge until her breathing slowed and she could process her thoughts.

The nausea was back. She sat on the floor on a towel and just let the water drip off her. Tucking her knees up to her chin, she stared at the wall and focused on her breathing. She wanted nothing more than for Gale to walk in the room right now, pick her up, and hold her in his lap, caressing her hair and whispering comforting words to her until she felt better. But as much as she wanted to feel his arms around her, to smell his scent, to run her fingers through his hair and more, she was absolutely terrified.

All she could think of as she started rocking back and forth was that she was going to end up hurting him again. She cried and cried until she resigned herself to lying down on the floor and crying herself to sleep, shivering in her damp clothes.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A week went by and there was no response from Tav. Gale tried to brush it off, attempting to convince himself that perhaps she had gotten a chance to do some traveling, and was running behind sending her letter.

Nine days went by and his resolve started to falter. He replayed every word in his head that he’d written in his last letter. Was he moving ahead too fast? Did he assume too much? Did he push her too far? He ached to see her, to hear her voice, and to comfort her. But he could NOT let himself fuck things up again…

On the tenth day, he sent just a short message in hurried writing, requested for the utmost urgent delivery.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tav,

I’m truly, deeply sorry if I’m pushing you too far. You don’t have to answer the last question. We can continue just writing if that’s what makes you comfortable. I’ll do whatever you need, but I cannot, I will not lose you again.

Please, talk to me, my love.

Gale [A filled in heart was drawn after his name.]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sleep never found him that night. He let his brain run through every worst-case scenario it could come up with. Tears were still crawling down his face every so often as he saw the faintest colors of the dawn coming to greet the eleventh day. Thank the gods he had the next couple of days off for Midsummer…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

On the afternoon of the twelfth day, Tav’s response arrived. Gale didn’t even go back inside or shut the door. He ripped open the envelope and tried to steady his breathing as his shaky hands held her letter. He let himself take a deep breath and fall back against his door frame as he read:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My precious Gale,

I am so very sorry for the delayed response and for making you worry. I don’t know what came over me, but when I saw you asking to see each other again…I panicked. I had a full-on panic attack, after which, I slept for days. I lost all track of what day it was or how much time had gone by. I kept picking up my quill and the words just wouldn’t come. I’m so sorry. Your words in the message I received today snapped me back out of it. Thank you for checking on me. [A filled-in heart was drawn here.]

Gale, I can’t bear the thought of hurting you again. I’m not saying that I don’t want to see you. Believe me, nothing would make me happier. My dreams of getting to be near you, to hold you again, to be held by you, they are my greatest source of comfort. But we haven’t spent any time together in person since the reunion, and we spent months before that acting like completely different people.

What if we can’t change, Gale? What if seeing each other brings out all the anger and spite again? I can’t forgive myself, even if you have. I don’t know what to say – I can’t lose you again either, I won’t survive it. And I fear that I will become upset by something and fall back into my old ways of dealing with arguments: with juvenile pettiness and venomous words. I’m so scared…

In fact, I’m going to deflect now so I don’t dissolve into another panic attack.

To answer your other questions – honestly, adventuring hasn’t happened in a while. I was being truthful at the reunion when I said I’d been adventuring and helping people. But coming back from Waterdeep is when I started to shut everyone out. My house descended into chaotic messes that I didn’t have the energy to clean, I stopped eating regularly, I was drinking at least a bottle of wine a day, and I slept all the time. I have enough money set aside that I can get away with not working for quite a while, but that won’t last forever.

The gardening is going well now though! I haven’t killed so much as a tomato plant! I’m growing flowers and selling bundles here and there. I’m also growing my own vegetables and some fruits, though I haven’t begun selling those yet. I’m getting the itch to start baking, however… I’ve found a great deal of fulfillment in creating (growing) some kind of life now instead of dwelling on the memories of taking it. [Along the left side of the page, she drew a tomato plant crawling up the side. Along the right, she drew a plate of danishes and a cup of tea.]

I’m so sorry again for worrying you. I just froze because I don’t want you to get hurt. I’ll get this sent to you as quickly as I can, but please tell me your thoughts. I’m hoping your insight can be of some comfort.

With all my heart,

Your Tav

[At the bottom of the letter, Tav drew the same symbol Gale had been doodling on everything he could: the eternity symbol with the hearts in the middle, one with a G, one with a T. Next to it, she wrote:] (I tried… Yours looks much nicer.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My sweet Taviela, [Their infinity symbol with hearts and their initials was on the top right.]

Thank you for explaining the reason for the delay. I completely understand, and I’m sorry to have caused you to panic. If I may offer some encouragement, however, perhaps I can help quiet your heart.

Neither of us are under anywhere near the amount of pressure and stress that we were at the time back in Baldur’s Gate. We are taking care of ourselves now as individuals, fully independent of others, and neither is a crutch for the other. This bodes well for quelling any fears of being too dependent on each other for our own good.

We’ve seen what damage can be done by careless words and actions, and we’ve walked back from that ledge – together. Now we’ll be more aware of the warning signs should we become frustrated with each other again. We’ve talked about what we can do to avoid arguments in the future, like walking away for a breather, should we need to. Lest you have any unrealistic expectations, please remember that we will become frustrated with each other and we will likely have some arguments. That’s only natural for any two beings that have a close relationship. But we have some experience now and wisdom gained. I truly believe that we can be better for each other. We can change. Together. [A filled in heart is drawn here along the left side of the page.]

If you are comfortable thinking about the possibility of visiting, I have a proposition for you. Some simple guidelines that will help keep us in check as we try spending time together again, under completely different circumstances.

-          I will get you set up in a lovely room at The Yawning Portal for one week. The bartender owes me a favor for clearing out some riffraff a few weeks ago. Then you can have a place you feel comfortable retreating to without feeling trapped in my tower, should you wish to get some space.

-          So as to not put too much pressure on either of us too quickly, we can have a date each day, but we don’t spend the entire day together (at least not every day). It may be midsummer, but I still have regular responsibilities with the academy that I need to see to. Besides, that will give us time to individually reflect on our time together and how we’re feeling.

-          At the end of the week, we can talk about how things have gone and what direction we should go at that point. We won’t pressure each other, and we’ll agree that we won’t be disappointed if one person needs more time than the other. Above all, we need to make sure our friendship stays in tact.

So, what do you say? Look! I even got Tara’s stamp of approval! [On the side of the page is an ink pawprint.] (Do you have any idea how much convincing it took to get her to put her paw in ink? I owe her tuna for weeks…)

I won’t pressure you, but if you’re amenable to this plan, we can do this as soon as you’d like – even next week. Having said all that, if you still want to take things slower and keep writing letters for now, I will fully support that decision and be delighted to keep doing so.

If you will allow me, however, I would like to make one last plea: I want to see you, Taviela. I need to see you. My heart aches for you and my arms feel so painfully empty without you in them. I long to curl my fingers into your hair, to hear your contended sighs, to be lit up inside by your laughter, and, when you’re ready, to make love to you and cover you in affectionate, healing kisses until every hurtful word we’ve ever exchanged is erased from memory itself.

I know you’re scared, my darling. But I believe in us. I believe things will be different this time around. I hope and pray to every god and goddess who will listen that you can find it in your heart to take the risk.

Come here to me, my love, and we can keep walking our way forward - together. [A filled in heart is drawn here.]

I eagerly await your reply, whatever it may be.

Yours always,

Gale [A doodle of a wand surrounded by stars is by his name.]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tav’s hands trembled. Gods, she missed him so much it physically hurt. Especially now that she knew how much he was missing her as well. Sitting at her desk, she re-read his last full paragraph with tears flooding her vision and heart filling her chest, not to mention a familiar heat between her thighs. She knew at that moment that her desire and her renewed trust in Gale Dekarios FINALLY outweighed her fears. She didn’t even need to think about her response. It was short and sweet:   

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Gale, my love, [Their eternity/hearts/initials symbol was drawn on the top right.]

I’ll set out tomorrow by horse from Daggerford and will arrive at the Yawning Portal on Sunday evening around dinner time. I sincerely hope your arms will be waiting for me, because I’ll be rushing into them the moment I see you. [A filled-in heart was drawn in.]

Just don’t be holding a stack of books this time… [ Tav had drawn a doodle of a winking face here.]

Yours always,

Tav

P.S. I doubt we’ll be waiting long for those healing kisses… I know we’re going to space out our time together, but stay with me the first night? Help me “settle in” to Waterdeep? [Tav sketched a set of lip prints in the bottom right.]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tears fell from Gale’s eyes, but happy ones this time. He could tell his cheeks were flushed too from her “P.S.”… He laughed at her jab about the books, then folded up the letter and brought it to his lips, kissing the edge she would have folded with her soft hands.

He had planning to do. 

[agoraphobic-artist]

Kuro shit <3

A parcel of Japanese items recently arrived and these are specifically the Black Butler items from my haul.

The first item is a double sided mini poster. Absolutely loved the art by Yana; I almost managed to snag the separate images as collectable cards but it wasn't meant to be, so I settled for this version instead. I don't mind to much though as on the flip side is this adorable doodle of them travelling.

Had to pick these cuties up! I only have a couple of items for Soma and Agni in my collection, since they hardly have any merch. These are from a line of keychains marketed for "Book of Circus", they originally came on a cardboard backing that could be folded out to display them but unfortunately it had aged poorly so they will be hung elsewhere.

I came across this sealed Funtom Cafe Tea tin by accident when perusing for something else entirely. I had seen similar shadow outline designs used on previous merchandise but not this particular piece.

I am so glad that the tea inside expired in 2018, because this meant that it was no longer a consumable food product and could be sent from Japan to the UK.

Also, had to just mention how the seller had packaged this up. The tin was bubble wrapped up and sealed with London themed washi tape and inside was a little hand written note... Very cute.

I don't know why but I had completely forgotten to buy this coaster when I ordered the other one of him!? It is Diedrich... Enough said....

I also purchased this amazing "Wall Bang/Kabe-don" G-FANTASY Poster of Sebastian Michaelis.

How could I not?

The edges of the poster are uneven from where his original owner removed him from the magazine, but once I have fixed that he will be ready to get situated into a frame.

Finally, I have the Kuroshitsuji Black Label Night Garden Perfume!

I had been searching for this item for a long time. Previously, I was either unwilling to pay the hefty price tag or I was told due to its nature that it could not be shipped overseas to me.

I will post about it in more detail separately but it is stunning and arrived in New condition, and with zero international shipping problems.

Not part of the Japanese Proxy shipment but just wanted to draw attention to @questtneo's Etsy.

Absolutely amazing seller and gorgeous artwork. Please show them some support <3

I ordered the "CaroCiel Print"

(I don't know if it was intentional but it reminds me alot of the "Artfx J statue", with Phantomhive atop his Chess Knight horse.)

And I bought both the Ciel and Sebastian from their coffin shaped pin selection as well.

[maddogqs21]

Hey Everyone,

I am wanting to start writing fanfiction, and I have two that I am working on for the smiling critters fandom. I was just curious as to if anyone would be interested in it. I have one that is a one-shot collection, but the other, which I am calling “New Beginnings” (for now), would be a multi chapter fic. Pretty much it would be how the kids that later became the critters met, and then a few more arcs.

I would like to note this about the tags, there will be a romantic relationship tag, but that would only apply to the prologue and mentions to it throughout that only would apply to the older version. Anyways, the teaser is under the cut. I am working on character info so I have a few paragraphs here and there about the characters before the first chapter, so I may post them later

Skittering was all he could hear from his cell. It had been a long time since he had seen the sun, even longer if you don’t count the playcare sky as having a sun. He missed the light, how it used to invigorate him, now it is a stark reminder of how fake everything was. He hung his head, shaking it. How could it have all gone wrong? He should hate his best friend, he really should, but all he felt in his heart was a deep pain. As he looked up, he remembered the conversations they would have. They had all been stung up like he was currently, but one by one, they were dragged off, never to be seen again.

Kickin had been to his right, and was the first one to disappear. He remembered their conversations, always a mix of pessimistic and optimistic, to at times, extremely ridiculous. He could almost hear Kickin’s chuckles at his own bemusings. In the early days, they would just add on to the other’s words.

“Hear me out, I know that this is a really dumb idea, but, stay with me here…” Kickin snickered at himself, unable to finish his sentence.

”Let me guess,” Bubba groaned, “this is another one of your ‘I have been thinking about this for a long time, and I think I should tell you, but if I would have said it earlier, I would have been beat one way or the other’, and based off our previous conversation about the fake sky, you are gonna say something about us being abducted by aliens? Or is this the one where you think we are on our way to Mars as we speak to take care of a space station before they decide to send kids up.”

Kickin only burst out into laughter, as Hoppy shouted, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HE GUESSED IT AGAIN?” DogDay heard scraping and heard Crafy’s “At this point, we should just let Bubba translate Kickin’s musings before he even says it. This is the 486th time,” and Picky’s “Honestly, when are they going to admit that they have been dating for years! He knows Kickin like the back of his hand, and I swear Kickin has figured out all the ways to get him to-“, “KICKIN, WHY IN THE HELL WOULD SOMEONE WANT TO-“, “SCIENCE, BUBBA, SCIENCE!”, “WHAT ARE YOU EVEN ON RIGHT NOW?” Bubba’s voice cracked, everyone just bursting out into laughter.

“These are the times that I wish they would just-“, but before Bobby could finish her teasing remark, all of the girls burst out laughing. Little did they know, that this was their last time laughing for years to come.

He shakes his head of the memories, sighing sadly at the trail of Kickin’s blood that went right in front of his cell. He had dislocated both of his shoulders, and with Bubba’s instruction, learned to put them back into place. But as he stepped out of the cell block, everyone froze, his blood curtailing screams echoing for what felt like hours. The next thing he knew, the mini critters started tearing into the chicken. He could have sworn he heard Bubba choke out a sob as Kickin reached for the elephant before the others head hit the ground with an echoing thud.

”Dammit,” he swore, as he felt the mini’s eating away at him. Must be time for them to eat. He closed his eyes as each bite started to fade away in his mind. How he wished he was young again, free from the knowledge, experiences and pain.

His mind takes him to his happy places. The little houses that the playcare had made for them based off of the cartoon, to the last time they all ate together before going to the playcare, but his most favorite place was the playground where he met the ones he cared about most, back when he was only 7.

[awsimmer92]

Delaney Hair -- Medium Version

Hello! As mentioned in my previous hair upload, I made another version of the Delaney hair that is a little bit longer. When making both hairs, I couldn't really figure out which one I liked more, so I decided to just upload both! Anyways, enjoy!

New mesh

Base game compatible

Not hat compatible

Custom thumbnail

24 EA Colors

Tag me if you recolor this hair!

If you use this hair please tag me! I would love to see your creations!

Click to see a PREVIEW

♥  -T.O.U-  ♥

DON’T claim as your own hair

DON’T upload to any paysites

You CAN recolor but please DON’T include MESH, link back to this post!

♥  ENJOY!  ♥

Download: Simfileshare  

--> You can also download the Cottage Living Hair Bow Colours made by ice-creamforbreakfast if you want to change the colors of the bow in the back of the hair. For this specific hair, the bow that works is the HalfUpHairBow.

*Please notify me if you run into any problems*

[pttucker]

⸢I don't know whether you're a suitable guy for this 'three methods' or not, but at the least, I'm sure of this one thing.⸥ The following words were eerily similar to a certain body of text that I was familiar with. ⸢The you reading this story will definitely make it out of here alive.⸥ Han Sooyoung's afterwords came to an end there. For the longest time, I couldn't tear my eyes away from the full-stop at the end of the sentence.

Yeah, okay, at this point I feel like it's almost blatant that Sooyoung is the author of TWSA and the longer I think on things, the more I'm honestly ashamed that I never thought of this theory before now. I guess I was too focused on it being Dokja or Secretive Plotter...who might also be Dokja lmfao...and as a result just kind of ignored the very obvious possibility right in front of me.

Like, I recently started to think that Han Sooyoung is the author mainly because of the fact that we've still got three unknowns left and what looks to be three protagonists of ORV, i.e. Joonghyuk, Dokja, Sooyoung >>> Secretive Plotter, Oldest Dream, The Author. And, thinking on it, a general novel also has three people doesn't it? Writer, Reader, and the Character(s).

And also because Sooyoung's "Predictive Plagarism" is…interesting. She can plot out an entire novel whereas Anna Croft can only use her Future Sight three times a day in very specific ways? Hmmm. Not to mention this power carried her forward all the way to the 1863rd round and the only thing to mess up her plans at the very end was Dokja showing up. Dokja…who can create revisions of TWSA with his actions.

Even Sooyoung herself says that her predictions could be wrong, but even if you take it in the opposite direction and take them to be definite futures, we have this:

Now originally, the [Predictive Plagiarism] was the 1863rd-turn Han Sooyoung's power. The Han Sooyoung of this turn, the one responsible for writing this book, also had acquired that power now. And the result of that was this very book. Here was the brand-new signpost for me to follow, me who had read the 'Ways of Survival'.

I mean, it's possible that she straight up wrote TWSA (and/or the Revisions) with Predictive Plagarism and then forgot. Or that she's so good at predicting what will happen because she's literally the author so of course she knows how her own mind works.

And now she's literally directly mirroring TWSA and calling Dokja her sole reader despite literally immediately before that talking about both Dokja and Joonghyuk. So why is Dokja her sole reader? Why wouldn't she assume Joonghyuk might read it? Might also read it with Dokja? Not to mention Dokja just immediately devours it with a passion that he's only ever shown TWSA.

Also, I kind of glossed over it in one of my tags on a previous post, but Dokja got the Final Version immediately after wanting to ask Sooyoung if he's done a good job and if everything will turn out okay. Wanted to ask her as an author. And that's not the first time.

He's asked her before about TWSA, specifically why she would have written it if she wrote it. At the time, the way she responded to Dokja made me think he was the author but now, after seeing that Dokja can affect the course of the story both inside (revisions) and outside of it (comments to the author) plus everything shifting towards the idea of "the characters are going to make their own story" makes me think that was foreshadowing of an entirely different kind. And let's not even get started on this quote we just got:

The author of this scenario was Han Sooyoung. Regrettably, there was no guarantee of the work ending up as a success even if the author did an excellent job. – Time to start our attack, Yoo Joonghyuk. Because the ones to complete the story were the 'Characters', not the author, that's why.

Kind of sounds like the entire theme that we've been working towards for the whole plot, doesn't it?

And there's other clues, looking back.

Sooyoung always insisting she didn't plagiarize TWSA and Dokja even confirming that with Lie Detection. Sooyoung claiming that everything kind of pulls from each other & there's lots of common themes...and then we see that TWSA is full of other genres and very obviously referenced common tropes like isekai, reincarnation, mecha, battle tournaments, etc.

And then we have Asuka Ren writing Peace Land and then forgetting it and thinking it was something she read, which I have always thought was foreshadowing, though at the time I attributed that foreshadowing to Dokja. But more importantly, Asuka Ren getting discouraged because Peace Land wasn't doing well and breaking down and writing something else (Kyrgios) that was a bit more pandering to the general public. Almost makes you wonder if TWSA wasn't doing well and Sooyoung decided to write something else that took off...

And oh my goodness, I just went back to find the post to reference for the above and LOOK AT THIS WEBCOMIC PANEL! LOOK AT WHO'S LITERALLY IN FRAME WHEN ASUKA REN IS TALKING ABOUT "WRITER WHOSE WORK IS BEING READ BY A READER LIKE YOU." AHHHHHH.

That's actually so blatant I'm straight up ashamed of myself, especially when Dokja outright says he isn't the author, he's the reader. I actually remember thinking it was interesting that Sooyoung was there but figured "oh she's an author too." 🤦‍♂️

And there's other things too, some of which are admittedly more of a stretch than others.

Her attributes - not just the author attribute but also avatar. She can make and control multiple people. Kind of like an author writing a book, huh? Except then she's lost control of one of them because she put too much of herself in it (or vice versa). And now we have the novel where the characters are telling the story...

The huge emphasis on how gorgeous Joonghyuk is, not to mention various other characters' looks, which are compared to Joonghyuk's. Meanwhile, back in Peace Land again we have:

In the midst of running, Asuka Ren often looked back at the rocky area. Han Sooyoung glanced at Ren and asked, "Are you sorry?" "Huh? No." "Don't you feel that it is weird? It is probably the first time you saw a character that you made." "…Yes." "Furthermore, he is handsome."

Sooyoung not only focusing on how handsome Kyrgios is but tying that together with her statement about meeting a character who you created. Seems like that could potentially mirror someone else and their creation, hmm?

Also, on the topic of looks, I recently thought that maybe Dokja isn't from this dimension and that's why he looks blurred (because the Sooyoung of the other universe looked blurred too when speaking to "our" Sooyoung). But now I realize...there's no evidence at all that Sooyoung 1863rd doesn't also look blurred to the people of her world. And if we maybe consider that she's the original Sooyoung... What if both Dokja and Sooyoung are blurred to everyone but each other because they're both outside of this world as reader and author and the characters can't ever fully know what either looks like from inside the story?

Or, heck, I'm not certain we actually have proof that our Sooyoung isn't also blurred or that she sees Dokja as blurred? Like, sure, she calls him ugly but it's Sooyoung, plus that wasn't unprompted, Dokja was specifically asking about his looks and she kinda mocked/teased him. And there's even a scene in the Webtoon when he's dying of poison (the Nirvana arc) where she's like "he actually looks a little handsome" or something along those lines. Which I figured was worth mentioning because I remember thinking it was weird at the time but won't necessarily consider canon since it's the Webtoon and the novel is way more vague:

Like her, he was an ordinary person before the world was destroyed. Such a person had jumped onto a stage to decide the world's fate and was moving the main characters. Han Sooyoung had forgotten for a moment that Kim Dokja was also a normal human. She stretched out a finger and touched Kim Dokja's mouth. Then her face became a strange mixture of a smile and a frown. Han Sooyoung giggled. "…It is really strange."

...Actually that sounds vaguely foreshadow-y even without trying to decide if she can see his face or not.

And too we recently had the whole "which story will you vote for" thing going on where the dokkaebis are talking to each other. Now that we have at least two separate "versions" of TWSA going on I wonder if it's more along the lines of the author's version vs the reader's version?

idk I'll probably think of even more things if I continue reflecting on the novel, but this is long enough.

At this point idek what I'll do if Sooyoung isn't the author because it fits way better than my previous Dokja/Secretive Plotter theories and I was pretty certain at the time that it was definitely Dokja. 😂

[douglysium]

The Flavor of MTG’s Color Pie(Part 1/4(Reuploaded))

Introduction

So, I have since finished my little miniseries on the tribes of Innistrad and how their color philosophies express them in their culture, story, and mechanics, and I really enjoyed talking about it so I figured I would write some stuff on the factions as we see them on different planes and how the color philosophies manifest within them. 

I have also realized that this article is way longer than I thought it was going to be so I’m going to make a different version that splits each section into parts.

Before I move on if you want to see my previous(much shorter) MTG articles covering the tribes of Innistrad then you can view them here-  https://douglysium.tumblr.com/tagged/TheTasteOfMagicTheGathering. If there’s a specific tribe you want to read about then you can view them here.

Werewolves- https://douglysium.tumblr.com/post/662623213059276800/the-taste-of-innistrads-werewolves

Humans- https://douglysium.tumblr.com/post/662755543203643392/the-taste-of-humans-on-innistrad

Angels- https://douglysium.tumblr.com/post/663299115099308033/the-taste-of-innistrads-angels

Geists- https://douglysium.tumblr.com/post/664030257036361728/the-taste-of-innistrads-spirits

Zombies- https://douglysium.tumblr.com/post/664566115054256128/the-taste-of-innistrads-zombies

Vampires- https://douglysium.tumblr.com/post/664656723908362240/the-taste-of-innistrads-vampire

I could basically talk all day about the Color Pie if you caught me in the mood, and it turns out I am in the mood.

Although, before we jump straight into the philosophies themselves I decided to make this little intro first to cover my overall goal with this piece. The idea behind this is that it’s basically a housekeeping article. I take what I feel are some important overarching things to consider no matter what color or mechanic you are looking at and try to summarize them so I won’t be forced to repeatedly explain the same concepts over and over, and we can spend more time looking at the aspects that are more specific to each color.

As for what this series covers? Well, my first goal is simply to give my own explanation and thoughts about how the colors work but I also want to look at both the philosophical, and mechanical/gameplay sides of each color and how they tie into each other. I want to look at flavor questions such as how a White-aligned character may act or why this Green-aligned character may not like that Green-aligned character or how a faction’s color alignment can tell us about its goals and priorities, and gameplay questions like “Why does Blue draw so many cards? Why does Red have Haste? Why is Black always bringing stuff back from the graveyard?” etc. I do plan to still cover the color identities of factions within Magic’s multiverse eventually, probably between color articles to keep things interesting, but for now, our focus is on the colors themselves as I feel this creates a good foundation for any future tribe or faction based analysis, since if anyone is ever confused about something I bring up regarding colors in general then they could probably check them out here.

I should also mention that I’m definitely not the first person to cover the philosophies of the colors. You have people like TheManaSource, Dicetry, It’s Not Good, Lorely Writes, and even people who literally make Magic the Gathering products at Wizards of the Coast themselves, like Mark Rosewater, have plenty of blogs, videos, and podcasts that cover it. In fact, as I’m writing this Mark has recently made a convenient compendium of all his Color Pie related stuff, which you can check out here → https://magic.wizards.com/en/articles/archive/making-magic/lets-talk-color-pie-2021-10-11.

So at the end of the day, my goal with this article is to 1. Summarize and go over some general overarching themes or questions regarding the colors, 2. Act as the groundwork for the rest of the series and 3. Hopefully, allow me to explain why I personally love the Color Pie. So let’s begin.

The Color Pie in General

So first off, what does it even mean to be aligned with a certain color? Well, basically the gist of each color is that they represent a character’s core values and, by extension, their ideology. An example of this would be how Blue believes that the most important thing in life is being the best you one can be and that the optimal way to achieve that is through gaining knowledge, meanwhile Red believes the most important thing in life is to follow your heart and do what you want. What determines what color alignment someone/something falls under is not necessarily the state of their existence or even their personalities but rather what they believe in and value. I mean yeah, goblins are often Red-aligned and different species or tribes within Magic tend to share one or more colors for various reasons, such as culture, but this isn’t the end all be all mind you. Being human doesn’t mean you have to have White in your color identity, and just being a living thing isn’t enough to make you Green-aligned, and simply being hungry and wanting to eat or just feeling emotions does not guarantee you are of the Red-alignment. Heck, if you want to go back to the second point, we have even seen robots with Green in their identity. Which I know may surprise some considering how often it can destroy artifacts and how much it holds nature in high regard.

When it comes to the point about personalities, what I mean is that while it is true that a character’s personality can give you clues about what someone’s/something’s values is there is quite a bit of nuance to it. A common example we are given to help prove my point is that just because someone is super organized does not mean that they are aligned with White, but if they VALUE organization and the greater good they might be White-aligned(by extension I suppose this would also mean you can have messy or slovenly White-aligned characters). A mistake that I feel happens relatively often is that I see people assuming that a color has a sort of monopoly on a concept, behavior, or trait. For example, Red is the color that values emotion the most. So some people may look at Red and determine “Ok, so every card that depicts strong emotions, or an emotional moment has to have Red in it right?”

Well… no…

Now don’t get me wrong, Red is clearly the MOST LIKELY to have cards depicting strong emotions due to its belief that you should follow your heart first and foremost. However, that doesn’t mean that the other colors don’t have any emotions or can’t have emotional moments. What tends to be more important when looking at the colors as a whole is not only whether a character within that color has emotions but how they view their emotions and the emotions of others.

Let’s say you have two characters that are both really really angry. We will refer to these characters as John and Jim. John hates bottling up his emotions or holding them back. He believes that you should follow your heart if you want to be happy in life. So when John gets angry he doesn’t pull punches. If someone pisses him off he’ll simply fight them and say something like “Well he shouldn’t have pissed me off,” or maybe he’ll just scream at them and storm off. Both of these outcomes are equally likely.

On the other hand, there’s Jim. Jim is also super emotional but he has a strong moral code. He argues that it’s wrong to get into fights with people when it can be avoided and that you shouldn’t let your emotions control you or else you may end up causing a lot of unnecessary pain for both yourself and others and that’s something he abhors. So when Jim gets super angry he may raise his voice a bit but he will avoid throwing the first punch and will usually go home and do jumping jacks as an outlet for his anger.

Now as many can probably guess in this example, I think it’s safe to say that John is of the Red-alignment in some way while Jim is of the White-alignment in some form. John is someone who believes in following his heart and thus will prioritize what he feels and wants above basically everything else in a given situation. Jim is also an extremely emotional character but he prizes morality and peace above his emotions and is thus more willing to put off things that he wants to do(like punching someone in the face or yelling) for the greater good, or the good of the many. The point I’m trying to get across here is that it’s not that all White or Blue-aligned people intrinsically hate emotion in all its forms but rather they disagree with what Red values and how it reacts to emotions, and by the same token Red has a problem with White and Blue’s priorities. It’s also important to take into account that no one is perfect. It is possible for Jim to get so angry that he fails to properly contain his emotions and he ends up punching someone or getting into a fight. However, due to the philosophy of the White-alignment, I think it’s safe to say that he would probably feel bad about it or at least consider it a mistake/failing on his part in some way. Hopefully, you get what I’m trying to say, the color alignments don’t have a monopoly on concepts like emotion, order, intelligence, greed, concern for one’s own well being, etc., and even though color may be more likely to have it be more pronounced or emphasized in their personality or actions it does not guarantee it nor does it mean that the other colors are completely restricted from having it show up in their personality. The key point I’m trying to get across here is that the best way to help determine where someone sits on the Color Pie is based on what they VALUE as opposed to personality being the end all be all. Also, it should be noted that, yes, a personality can give you clues into what someone values. I mean, if you’re someone who views forethought and knowledge as part of the ideal we should strive for then you are more likely to be thoughtful but not everyone with the same or similar philosophy has the exact same personality. It should be noted that outside factors can also affect how a character acts even if it does not change their alignment, but more on that later.

The Gist of 5 Colors

Now as with most philosophical things there is a lot of discussion and debate to be had, and honestly, I could probably write an entire book solely on Color Pie philosophy alone. However, I figured that since it might be a bit before I finish writing the next article it might be helpful to give you all a taste of what each color is all about. Also, in case you don’t know we are going to go over them in WUBRG order, and for those of you who are unfamiliar with that term, it’s short for White, Blue, Black, Red, and Green and is the order in which the colors are represented. Why is Blue represented by U? I’ll talk about that when I make an article solely dedicated to Blue.

White believes in “Peace through Structure.” That is to say that it wishes to achieve peace and prosperity through various structures, such as laws, moral codes, religion, etc. It also believes in some form of objective morality(there are just some things that are morally wrong to do and some things are morally right). White values the community and the greater good over the good of the individual, and it often attempts to use social constructs and rules in order to help as many people as it can get what they need and guide them on the right path. Now, there is an extremely important distinction in the fact that White believes that there are enough resources for everyone to do what they NEED, and not everything they WANT. Which ultimately ties into White’s theme of sacrifice. Since White believes in putting the greater good above personal/selfish needs it argues that sometimes sacrifices are necessary for the bigger overarching goal. Also, when I say sacrifice in this case I am not solely referring to giving one’s life for a cause, although that can happen, I also mean sacrificing more mundane things like one’s time, money, making sure to avoid going to massive gatherings in order to help prevent the spread of something like a disease or sickness during a pandemic, even if that one party looks rad as hell, and other similar things/concepts. Before I continue, one thing that’s important to remember when looking at all the colors is that none of the colors are inherently good or bad. I mean yes due to White’s moral bent it will basically always want to do the right thing and even if it’s in an antagonist/villainous role it will usually believe it is doing the right thing because… I mean White genuinely does want to help and do the right thing, but at the end of the day intentions can only take you so far. You could also argue that certain colors are more likely to commit acts that a majority of people would consider “bad” or “evil” but again none of the colors are necessarily only negative traits by default. So in order to help get this point across I’ve decided to list one strength each color has as well as one weakness. I will go into more detail regarding each color’s strengths and weaknesses in future content.

One of White’s major strengths tends to be its teamwork and organization. Due to the fact that White prioritizes structure and the needs of the group it tends to be good at working in teams or large groups of people. It also often leans towards utilizing laws and/or moral codes in order to help people stay on the right track.

One of White’s weaknesses is that since it believes in the group over the individual and an objective morality it can sometimes end up having extremely black and white(get it?) view of the world can end up creating a mindset that is extremely controlling of others in an attempt to get them to fit into a strict idea of what is right and a mold that is extremely stagnant and inflexible to changing and adapting.

Some words that are heavily associated with White are peace, law, structure, selflessness, and equality.

Blue believes in seeking “Perfection through Knowledge.” An important clarification is that Blue’s philosophy doesn’t believe you can literally be perfect but rather that we should be constantly trying to improve and be the best us we can be(perfection here is a process not necessarily an end goal). Thus, in a way it can be described as attempting to achieve perfection, since what it’s trying to do is trying to get as close as possible to it. Blue argues that the best way for us to be the best we can be is through knowledge, information, education, etc. At the end of the day, knowledge is power and the key to being able to do something is to simply know how it works and how to do it. Blue believes everyone is a blank slate and that with the proper knowledge basically anything is possible. Now Blue isn’t a philosophy that’s dumb enough to argue that if you are born without wings or with bad vision you could just gain flight and 20/20 vision with sheer willpower. Rather, if you learn how flight or vision works you could do things like build a jetpack or create a set of glasses that could compensate or negate certain issues or even allow you to do new things you never thought possible. In Blue’s eyes, you only have one life so it makes sense that you shouldn’t waste it or ruin it by making shortsighted or emotional mistakes. Thus, you should carefully consider your actions and plan for the future.

One of Blue’s greatest strengths is probably the most obvious, knowledge. Due to the fact that its philosophy prizes knowledge and thinking it tends to be very good at utilizing the information at its disposal and it is less likely to make a silly or shortsighted mistake because it likes to keep the bigger picture, and the future, in mind. So even though a Blue character is capable of making mistakes they will at the very least decrease their chances of making a careless or not thought out action.

However, one of Blue’s major weaknesses is that it can end up being too passive and slow at times. It often sits around thinking and when tasked with making a choice it will try to figure out the best option. While this is often all well and good, sometimes this can lead to Blue getting “frozen” with all the choices it has. This is in the sense that sometimes they take too long to make a decision or act so they can end up not reacting to something fast enough, or in extreme cases just not end up making a decision at all. Sometimes the easiest way to get the upper hand on Blue is to simply act before it has time to think or formulate a plan.

Some of the words that are associated with Blue are knowledge, deceit, cautious, deliberating, and perfecting.

Black believes in “Power through Opportunity’’. This means that, unlike say White, Black believes that there is no objective morality and it prioritizes the self over others. This means that Black believes that there is nothing wrong with doing whatever it takes to win, no matter how underhanded, inhumane, dishonorable, immoral, or unlawful, and thus it’s priorities can be described as trying to amass as much power and strength via any opportunity that it can make or encounter. At the end of the day, Black believes that it’s power that talks and that frankly, the world is a ruthless and unfair place. While some of the White alignment may claim that those who are of the Black alignment are the reason bad things exist, in Black’s eyes it’s the other way around. People are Black-aligned because the world is full of unfairness and brutality which in turn means that it is reasonable that people do whatever they can to survive and gain power. Black isn’t always creating all the world’s problems more so playing with the hand it was dealt in life. It is also important to note that Black is not inherently evil and White is not inherently good. First of all, Black is amoral, which means that it doesn’t actually believe in any sort of objective good and evil, and second of all, from Black’s perspective, life is already hard and unfair enough as it is. Compounding that issue with a bunch of subjective ever-changing morals, limitations, laws, and traditions that you yourself or others put on you is only hindering you. Not to mention that at the end of the day, the only one you can truly guarantee to care about you, your wants, and your safety is yourself. No one else is guaranteed or obligated to look out for you so you should look for any opportunities you see or create and use them to the fullest without mercy or shame. You should do what is best for you and whatever it takes for you to survive.

One of Black’s strengths as a color is that, at its best, it can end up being the most pragmatic out of all the colors, and thus it will be willing to do what needs to be done to achieve its goals. Sometimes other colors may be unwilling to tap into a resource they consider to be icky, scary, or unholy, such as corpses that can be used to make a zombie army, but Black is a color that rarely lets resources like that go to waste.

Now, ironically this sort of ties into one of Black’s biggest weaknesses. While Black does think things out, it’s “nothing is off-limits” ideal can end up manifesting as something that leads Black to take a lot of risks and sacrifices in order to get what it wants. Black is one of the colors that are most likely to end up messing with stuff that people say you shouldn’t mess with for a good reason, and being willing to sacrifice things for an important goal can end up making backfires or misplays blow up in your face all the more. This means that sometimes the color that is most likely to defeat Black can end up being Black itself, since at its worst it’s selfishness, greed, power-hungry ideals, and “no line is a line I’m unwilling to cross” philosophy can sometimes end up shooting it in the foot immediately or down the line.

Some words that are associated with Black are power, self-interest, death, sacrifice, and uninhibited.

Red believes in “Freedom through Action.” That is to say Red believes that in order to enjoy life to the fullest you need only to follow your emotions/heart and do what it is you want to do whenever you feel like doing it. If you feel angry and want to punch something then punch something, if you’re sad and want to cry then cry, if you’re happy and want to laugh then laugh, so on and so forth. Red doesn’t even bother to promise that you won’t make mistakes or get into fights but in Red’s eyes those are just part of life anyway, so there’s no point in trying to bottle up your emotions or sit around scared to do what your heart tells you. I mean you only have one life to live so why spend it not doing the things you really want to do or not acting on the stuff you feel.

One of Red’s strengths is the fact that it often acts quickly. It often knows what it wants and because of that, it will often immediately begin taking the steps needed to get what it wants. It is a color philosophy that doesn’t like just waiting around pining after things and will try to go for what it wants.

One of its weaknesses is that it can be extremely short sighted or chaotic in a lot of situations. It prizes just doing what it wants and following, often fleeting, emotions which means that it may not always think through the consequences of actions or choice. This can lead to Red being bitten in the ass either immediately or down the line because it failed to consider the long-term ramifications of something it did.

Some of the words that can be associated with Red are freedom, emotion, active, impulsive, and destructive.

Last but not least is Green. Green is a color that believes in “Growth through Acceptance.” Green’s philosophy argues that one is born with all they need to be fulfilled and by extension nature has all we need to live a complete life, one just needs to embrace it. It believes that everything is born with a purpose, wolves are born to hunt, deers are meant to be prey, birds are supposed to fly and grass needs to grow. Now, it’s important to remember that Green does believe that things can change, as nature itself is something that evolves and changes over time, but in its eyes such changes should either occur naturally and/or help you better realize your role in nature and the grand scheme of things. If you were born a sparrow then that means you were born to fly and can learn better ways to fly for example. Due to these themes of acceptance regarding your place in the universe and the natural order Green is a color that is tied strongly to things like destiny, divine purpose, and/or many other forms of predeterminism. Green advocates that, instead of fighting against our natural place, we should simply accept them as they are and come to terms with the fact that there are things we just can’t change and some things we can’t fully understand. One cannot magically sprout wings if they are a turtle or become immortal just by thinking about it, and that’s just the way things are. Green is also a color that is strongly connected to the past, tradition, and history as one of the best ways one can figure out where they belong is to look towards the past. If you want to figure out what the role of a bear is in the ecosystem then you may want to look at how bears have impacted the ecosystem in the past or the role they played in the history of that ecosystem.

One of Green’s strengths is that its belief in the natural systems of the world/universe/planes often gives it a strong understanding and connection to nature and the things that occur in it. It is a color that can definitely really appreciate how nature works and the wonder nature can hold.

One of Green’s weaknesses is also tied to the fact that Green sees nature as the best thing since sliced bread. In a weird way, it can sort of end up putting all its eggs in one basket by being unwilling to try anything that it deems unnatural. It also means that if the nature it’s relying on is lacking in something or is too damaged/destroyed it may have trouble adapting due to it’s potentially go natural or go home style beliefs.

Before we move on I might as well at least touch on Colorless, since there are objects and characters that aren’t aligned with any of the five colors. Colorless, as the name would suggest, is the lack of any color and thus it usually represents something that doesn’t have its own ideology to speak of, such as non-sentient objects or artifacts. However, it can also represent characters who have sort of transcended the normal mana colors, such as Ugin as a spirit, or beings that are beyond the understanding of the Color Pie or normal logic, such as the Eldrazi. That’s not to say that a Colorless character can’t have a personality or some sort of value but Colorless as a whole has no consistent permanently overarching philosophy.

Colorless as a whole doesn’t have any philosophical upsides or downsides since it doesn’t have a coherent philosophy it is adherent to.

Also, for the sake of clarity, there do exist artifacts and objects with a color alignment, even if they tend to be less common than those of the colorless variety. These colored artifacts are either sentient while also having a strong adherence to one of the 5 color philosophies or are just heavily attuned with or connected to some color, or color combination, of mana for whatever reason.

Color Allies and Enemies

Now, earlier I mentioned the Color Pie and WUBRG(White, Blue, Black, Red, and Green) order. Well, let’s come back to that for a second. You see, each color has two of what are called allied colors and two enemy colors. A color’s “allies” are the colors that are directly next to it on the Color Pie while enemy colors are the two colors on the opposite side of the pie from said color.

For example, White’s allied colors are the colors next to it, Blue and Green, and its enemy colors are Red and Black. As the names would imply ally colors from a purely philosophical standpoint tend to have more things they agree on with the colors they are allied with and enemy colors tend to have a lot of ideologies that directly oppose their respective enemy colors. If we go back to White we can see that one of the things White prioritizes is structure and the greater good. Green also has a sense of right and wrong like White does and it also has a sense of structure about the way things are supposed to be. Blue also likes structures that can help improve things and spread knowledge, plus it has a sense of the bigger picture and understands that you shouldn’t always put your needs and wants above everyone else. On the other hand, you have Black and Red. Black argues you should always put yourself first and look out for yourself and Red’s philosophy is that you should follow your heart and do whatever you feel like doing. These ideals directly oppose White’s ideals of the greater good and selflessness(These are just brief examples by the way they aren’t meant to be super in-depth).

Now just to be clear, just because a color is allied with another color does not mean that those colors see eye to eye on everything or always agree with each other, and even enemy colors still have things they agree on. Furthermore, not every character that aligns with a color gets along with every single character that is of the allied colors nor do they hate all characters who align with their enemy colors. I mean, yes a Green aligned character is probably more likely to get along with a White aligned character than a Black aligned one because of the fact that in general people with similar philosophies about how the world should work are usually more likely to get along with each other, but this isn’t the end all be all or a hard rule. Heck, characters that fall under the exact same color alignment(s) can be diametrically opposed. Two Blue characters may have different ideas of what perfection they should be striving for and one White aligned character may have a different definition of what’s morally good and peaceful than another White aligned character to the point where they may become enemies, see each other as threats or just simply find themselves on opposing sides of some sort of conflict.

Remember, color philosophy, and philosophy in general, is not just a stock character personality. Certain overarching traits are more likely to occur due to their ideals but this does not mean literally everyone in said color alignment has them nor does it mean everyone within said color alignments embodies literally every aspect of that color. While the colors are archetypes they are PHILOSOPHICAL archetypes, not personality ones.

When it comes to ally/matching color alignments it helps to think of it this way. Does every person within a political alignment or party see eye to eye on every issue, do they all have the same exact personality? No, of course not. There may be some traits a lot of them have due to who their philosophy appeals to but they aren’t all carbon copies of each other nor do they all get along. A color’s relationship with enemy colors can be thought of in a similar way. I’m sure everyone has at least one friend who has wildly different opinions on how good a tv show is or a certain aspect of what they consider ideal for themselves, their community, or the world. Just because your opinions aren’t one to one doesn’t mean you aren’t friends.

To that end, where the color pie places each color is a sort of measurement for how well each philosophy sinks up with each other. A Blue aligned person or character can still have Red or Green aligned friends and family(just make sure to avoid talking about politics with them on thanksgiving). I mean heck, Teferi is a Blue, and sometimes White-Blue, aligned character that is in a happy and loving relationship with the Red aligned Subira, and White and Blue are about as opposite from Red as you can get on the color pie.

It is also important to mention that characters of various color alignments can rub off on each other in various ways without completely altering the alignment of whoever they’re affecting. You can have a Black aligned character hanging around a bunch of White aligned people and thus have them be more likely to follow whatever laws and/or rules these people make because they know that breaking them and getting caught might be way more trouble than it’s worth. Conversely, you could have a White aligned character hanging around Black aligned people who does something that could normally be considered more Black aligned or immoral due to things such as peer/social pressure without losing their White alignment.

We should also consider that not every person or character necessarily embodies literally every aspect of the color they fall under. Yeah, there are a few key aspects to the ideology which in turn makes the occurrence of certain strengths and/or weaknesses more prevalent or easier to fall into for those aligned with said colors. but not every White aligned character is uncompromising, and not every Blue character comes off as cold or emotionless to others for example. It’s just that characters in these alignments are more likely to fall into these pitfalls when compared to other colors due to their heavily moral and information-dependent values respectively, but it’s not universal or a trait literally every character will have. A lot of these potential shortcomings can also act as various forms of inner conflict, and not just an outer conflict, for characters.

Color Combinations

I might as well randomly segue into color combinations. So you don’t have to pick just one if several colors sound equally correct to you. Any person or thing can have anywhere from one to all five colors in their identity and all the various combinations that entails. Heck, as I went over previously, in Magic there are some things that don’t have any colors in their color identity.

Each color combination has its own philosophy that tends to be based on the agreements of the component colors. For example, Green likes understanding nature and watching nature change and evolve and Blue also likes understanding things, knowledge, and watching things improve. So when you slap these two philosophies together you often get one that prizes things like progress and evolution.

I should also mention that just like mono-colors, there are a myriad of ways that characters with these philosophies can manifest ,and there are no hard rules about how they act or who they can be. Also, the same combination of colors can manifest differently depending on how the two colors combine. Instead of combining the progress aspect of Green and Blue, you could combine Green wanting to understand nature along with Blue wanting to understand things too in order to get a character who seeks to fully understand and harness nature to its fullest potential…

or you could take Green wanting to preserve nature and Blue wanting to preserve things for the sake of preserving information to create a way of thinking that wishes to protect nature.

This is all without even getting into center and secondary colors by the way.

Where Colors Fall

Before we continue on, let’s quickly go back to the Color Pie in general and look into more of the specifics regarding why cards within Magic are put into certain color(s). For the sake of convenience, I have decided to make my own categories for the three general reasons that determine where a card ends up, Flavor, Mechanical and Mixed.

I already touched on a bit of philosophy and flavor earlier so I will keep my covering of the Flavor category brief. Cards that I have put in this category have their color identity based on the fact that the action, idea, archetype, or character said card is depicting is either straight up inherently a type of ideology or trait that falls under the philosophy of a specific color(s) or is something that is far more likely to fall under the philosophy of said color(s) than it would in other color identities.

Cards that fall under the Mechanical category are there because their colors are strictly based on their gameplay or mechanics(cards that have their mechanics based solely on the fact that they are part of a cycle could also be considered a subcategory of this type). I’ve noticed that cards in this category can have actions, ideas or archetypes that don’t necessarily align perfectly with a color’s ideology or method of doing something but it’s mechanics do align with the color’s gameplay identity.

I think a good example of what I mean would be cards like Baffling End and Fateful Absence. I’m going to be honest, I don’t really know what is inherently White-aligned about a poor motherfucker just vanishing for no explainable reason, but mechanically these cards fit into White’s ability to sort of “trade” with a player by exiling or destroying something they control and giving them something in return.

The final category is of course the Mixed category. Which is kind of just here for any cards that don’t fit cleanly into either of the previous categories.

I should mention that I don’t believe this is a perfect categorical system. MTG is very complex and nuanced at times so there are plenty of arguments to be made. For example, you could argue that Armored Whirl Turtle is of the mixed or mechanical category because having high toughness and low power does fit into like White and Blue sections of the Color Pie. These categories are a kind of simplification that is meant to help get some of these ideas and flavor or mechanic themes across.

Center/Focus and Secondary Colors

Due to all this talk about multi-colored alignments, I think it’s time to touch upon center and secondary colors.

A person or character can have one or more “center” and/or secondary colors in their color identity. For example, someone like Teferi might be both White and Blue but their center color is Blue and their secondary color is White.

Meanwhile, someone like Kaya has both White AND Black as their center colors. I’ve also seen center colors referred to as focus colors but they are the same thing.

So what even is a center color? As mentioned earlier, multi-colored philosophies tend to be formed from what the colors that make them up agree on. However, when you assign a color as a center or focus you will have the philosophy in question lean towards that color more. The best way to explain is like this, you have a White-Blue character and their center is Blue. So they value Blue’s philosophical goal of perfection and being the best you one can be. However, the presence of White as a secondary color sort of alters how they believe that goal should be achieved. In this case, you end up having a character who tries to achieve Blue’s end goal through White’s means and way of thinking. Thus, you end up with a character who is somehow using White’s structure or morals in order to be the best they can be and try to improve the world around them. This presence of center and secondary colors adds a whole new layer of depth to color identity and can be used to better understand multicolored philosophies. As you can tell when it comes to center and secondary colors you can usually break them down into a formula of whatever the end goal of the color is + what they believe should be done to achieve it.

Now of course, like with most things regarding the Color Pie, there are a lot of nuances to be had. So I’m going to save more specific talks about what different center colors can mean when paired with other specific colors and how they can manifest at a later date. Things like center and secondary colors can have exceptions or manifest in wildly different ways.

Mechanics

Now of course I can’t claim to make a series that will cover how the Color Pie affects Magic the Gathering’s keywords and mechanics without discussing how the colors themselves influence the gameplay and game design of Magic.

Just like how each of the colors and their various combinations have their own strengths and weaknesses from a philosophical point of view they also have their own strengths and weaknesses in their respective gameplay. For example, Red is pretty good at damaging creatures, planeswalkers, players, and destroying artifacts but it usually has a really tough time when it comes to having any way to deal with enchantments. Meanwhile, Blue has counterspells to stop things from entering the battlefield, ways to bounce permanents, and to draw cards. However, it tends to be incredibly bad at destroying permanents once they are actually on the field.

It’s important to remember that there tends to be at least one exception to these mechanical rules I’m describing. Sometimes the design team just makes an honest mistake and gives a color something that messes with what’s supposed to be a color’s weakness(es).

Sometimes the mechanical side of the Color Pie changes and what was once thought to make sense in a color for gameplay and/or philosophy based reasons gets changed, added, removed, etc.

One thing you should always remember, and I can’t state this enough, is that a color doing something it normally can’t isn’t automatically some sort of mistake or Color Pie break. Sometimes colors can do something but only on rare occasions, sometimes there are cards that let a color makeup for a weakness to some degree but at some sort of major cost or downside.

There are times where a set that a color is in has a theme that just ends up applying to all the other colors too. An example of this is Amonkhet’s or Innistrad’s respective heavy graveyard themes. In such sets colors outside of Black may also get more graveyard recursion than usual, in this case, it comes in the form of mechanics like Embalm, Eternalize, Flashback, and/or Disturb.

We’ll come back to Color Pie breaks and bends later. So let’s talk about mana and how it ties into the Color Pie and gameplay.

As you probably already know, in Magic there is a mana system. If you want to cast a Blue spell you need Blue mana, and you can’t just use Blue mana in order to cast a purely Red mana spell-like Shock.

This mana system creates an interesting interaction where players must fight two competing forces within the game. One force is pushing you to play with cards and decks that have as many colors as possible. This is because every color has strengths and weaknesses and the more colors you have in your decks the more likely you will be able to compensate for, and overcome, the weaknesses of each color. You could do something like use Blue to make up for White’s lack of card draw, Red to make up for Blue’s lack of damage dealing, Black’s -1/-1 counters to help Red deal with indestructible creatures, White to help Red deal with enchantments, and so on and so forth.

However, this force comes into direct conflict with the mana system because the mana system actually pushes players in the exact opposite direction.

Since you can’t use the Red mana produced by your basic Mountains to pay for your exclusively Blue mana Opt and you are unable to spend Blue mana to cast you purely Green Gigantosaurus you are encouraged to stick to as few colors as possible in order to increase the possibility that you will have the proper mana needed to cast the spells you need at any given time.

If you’re running a Mono-White deck you don’t have to worry about accidentally drawing a Mountain when you need an Island, but you give up having the presence of Red’s mechanical strengths in your deck and it may make any of White’s mechanical weaknesses in your deck that much more prominent. You are basically forced to choose between variety and consistency to varying degrees on various levels of gameplay. This helps prevent a gameplay situation where five-color decks are literally the only kind of deck worth playing in all forms of Magic until the end of time. These two opposing forces basically force(haha) the player to consider the strengths and weaknesses of each color while also deciding what is the most optimal way to make their deck consistent.

The colors also help give the players realistic expectations of how a match might play out the moment the first lands have been placed down. For example, If I’m playing against Billy and he puts a Mountain into play I now know Billy is playing Red and will likely have some form of direct damage. So I should be careful and play with those factors in mind or else I may end up being punished by having all my small and important creatures destroyed by direct damage. I should also be careful about letting my health drop too low because while a color such as White might not be able to finish me off unless it manages to deal damage with its Flying creatures, a color like Red can just damage me directly with a variety of different spells.

Now if Billy plays an Island I now know he’s playing Blue and that I have to watch out for counterspells. Maybe, I can trick Billy by playing a spell that seems to be important so that if he decides to counter it I can play the spell I actually need to win the game while all he’s out of resources.

One of the things that Mark Rosewater points out is integral to game design is restrictions and limits. To a random passerby, saying something like this might come off as confusing but it actually makes a lot of sense. Let me put it this way, imagine if Magic the Gathering had no mana costs to consider, you could put any number of cards in your deck(no matter the format), all colors could do literally everything else the other colors could do with no downside, you could pick the exact cards that start in your hand, and had infinite health. Yeah, the game would fucking suck. It is very rare for a game that has no limitations to have any point in playing it. Yeah, I admit that the infinite health example might be a bit extreme. However, even without the infinite health, the version of Magic the Gathering I’ve described would literally play out the exact same every time. Most people would probably end up just running the same deck over and over with the exact same outcomes or they would probably just end up putting more interesting limitations themselves via the creation of new formats. In this way limitations actually breed creativity by forcing you to figure out interesting ways to achieve your goals(As mentioned in “Lesson #18: Restrictions breed creativity” in the “TWENTY YEARS, TWENTY LESSONS—PART 3” article).

Marro has also stated that “To design a good game, you need to understand why your target audience wants to play. And then you have to design your game to match that objective” and at the end of the day we all know Magic is a strategy card game. Part of the fun of Magic is that it’s kind of like a puzzle. It leads to moments like “Ok, I want to play these colors and what’s the best way to do that?,” “Ok, I want to play this specific card, how do I build a deck that supports it?,” or “Uh oh, My opponent played an enchantment that damages me every time I kill a creature, how do I play around it?”

In that last example do you try to kill them before they can amass enough creatures to be a real threat? Do you focus on gaining enough life to counteract their effects? Do you build an army of fliers and try slipping past their creatures? So on and so forth.

Also, Mark does have a good point about the fact that limitations can create really fun stories regarding gameplay. I remember one time I was using my favorite historic Izzet deck and I just barely managed to win at like one health against a Mono-White life gain deck that had managed to get over 130 total life; it was just insane(I really wish I had recorded it. I’m sure almost everyone who has played Magic enough has at least one story where they barely managed to edge out a win in a spectacular fashion through a storm of luck and wits. Stories and experiences like this wouldn’t be possible without the limitations present in the general gameplay and the limitations put on each color.

Luck

I’m going to go off on a bit of a tangent away from just mechanics real quick. It’s something that I feel is important to the game and helps it in many ways and yet it isn’t talked about too often. That thing being luck.

Now, luck in games is a tricky thing. Most people don’t want a majority of their games to be purely luck-based. As that would remove any possibility of using one’s own skills to win and would make any game that isn’t the purest form of casual frustrating. At the same time, there are times where you do want to spice a game up with some luck because if you don’t do that then the game would literally play out the same way time and time again with no variation(which would get boring really fast and limit replay value). The proper ratio of luck to skill in design varies from game to game depending on its genre, mechanics, and goals but I would argue that luck does in fact help Magic as a game.

First of all, there’s the obvious fact that it prevents games from playing out the exact same way even if you or an opponent is running the same deck over and over. If people had complete control over something like their deck order or starting cards in hand then there’s a good chance that after a while any games involving that deck would play out in the exact same predictable fashion. Which would mean that the gameplay is more likely to get stale and/or you are more likely to get bored of your favorite decks.

I would also argue that luck can act as one of the previously mentioned limitations that can be ever so important to game design. It is an obstacle a player must overcome or workaround. In deckbuilding this takes the form of generally trying to make decks reach a certain level of consistency in their function and win condition by choosing the proper cards. It can also take the form of using the cards in your hand in the most ideal or strategically advantageous way, forcing the player to think of the different ways in which they can achieve their goals with different hands or situations. This also applies to facing the same opponent, since said opponents will not always cast the exact same spells, creatures, and various threats in the exact same order, if at all.

Luck is also something that helps even the playing field. It’s thanks to luck that even a five-dollar budget deck has at least a chance, even if it’s small, of beating a finely tuned and more efficient deck. Without luck, there would be very little reason in continuing to play through a game of Magic the second you realized the opponent had a more meta deck than you.

The luck system in Magic the Gathering is definitely not perfect though. We’ve all had that moment where, for some ungodly reason, you somehow mulligan three hands in a row with one land in it and games where you could have easily won if you just drew that one card that should be in your deck. The point of this isn’t to say that Magic the Gathering’s luck is ideal or perfect but I would argue that it helps the game.

[sidhewrites]

three chapters in three days. Don't ask me how but it happened. Tag list is getting slightly longer, so I'm moving it to the bottom of the post now :)

Some of this chapter taken from the previous version of this project, but most of it is new.

Project Info

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

So I’m in the graveyard.

I’m not proud.

For the record, I did finish my ice cream first.

I hide my hair under a hood, more to keep it protected from any potential rain than to hide. I don't exactly stand out in a college town like this, with plenty of other young people of varying genders, sexualities, and hair styles. But it does help me hide a little better as I duck behind an eroded old headstone to spy.

If the team notices me, they don’t care. There’s seven people in all. Lourdes and Mick are the most recognizable as the hosts, but I can guess at everyone else's roles the director, their manager, the camera operator, the gaffer, and the sound technician. They argue about shooting schedules and locations, and whether this headstone is more photogenic than that one. Because, you know, carved rocks are really important for setting the mood.

The sound tech splits off, holding the boom mic this way and that with a furrowed brow. After a few minutes, she returns to the team with her concerns. “Do you think the rain will come back tonight? I’m not sure how clear our sound will turn out if it does.”

“You think we’ll lose the vocals in the background noise?”

I suppress a groan, and mutter, “Literally all your vocals are background noise.” It's so easy to influence how you hear the sound just by putting a subtitle underneath. Humans search for patterns in everything, from rock formations that look like faces, to random sounds that maybe kind of a tiny bit sound like someone whispering.

A voice hissed into my ear, cold breath on my skin: "Lies."

I yelped and fell over in my scramble to escape. "Jesus shit!"

A young woman sat next to me, laughing delicately. "Sorry, sorry. You looked so focused just then, I couldn't pass up the opportunity."

I don't know how she snuck up on me with a wardrobe like that. She's not just goth, but Gothic, with full Victorian regalia. Her dress had poofy sleeves and a bustle and everything, not to mention the black veil over her long, startlingly pale face made all the paler when compared to her dark hair. It felt like she could have chosen something slightly more practical to wear when kneeling in the mud to scare innocent people who absolutely weren't planning sabotage, but she also looked really good in the getup, so who am I to judge?

Okay, yeah, that was kind of funny. Despite the residual terror, I laughed as my pulse slowly returned to normal. "Okay, yeah, fair. That's fair."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm only 80% sure you didn't scare me to death."

She nodded, and looked back over to the group, who miraculously didn't seem to care about the fact that I'd screamed just a minute ago. Granted, we're far from the only people in the graveyard, but I'm still counting myself as lucky. I got comfortable and looked over as well. The team was still discussing the pros and cons of trying to catch any background vocals, and I scoffed.

"I can't imagine they really believe that stuff.

They hear a shoe scuffing and think it’s some long-dead spirit saying, get out.”

The woman shrugs. Her long face makes a delicate, benevolent expression, and I really have to admire her dedication to the goth aesthetic. “Maybe the shoe wants them to get out.”

I snort. “Maybe.”

“They do look rather serious about it all, don’t they?”

“Serious?” I peek over the headstone again to see the camera crew discussing angles. “I guess so, yeah. They’re probably behind schedule since they're still location scouting. According to their social media, this video's supposed to go out in a week."

“Hm.”

“Hm?” I glance over to see her looking at me. Even her eyes are dark, and I resist the urge to make comparisons to pools of water. There’s nothing poetic about two girls kneeling in the dirt behind a headstone at dusk. 

"They're making a video, you say?"

"Yep. It's the Haunted Archivists. I think they just reached two million subscribers last month."

"Ah! That makes sense." I glance over just in time to see a mischievous gleam in her eye. "Since they're already behind schedule, I think we ought to help them along, don't you think?"

"What do you mean?"

It's hard not to melt under her smile. "It's like you said. They hear a shoe scuffing and think it's a spirit trying to communicate."

It's even harder not to swoon at the idea of someone just as ready to sabotage these people as I am. I think I do a pretty good job sounding very calm and collected as I answer, "Sounds like they plan to start filming tonight."

Sure enough, the script supervisor or director or manager or whatever is hammering in the fact that call time was 10 pm, no exceptions.

"Shall we assume that's a call time for us as well?" she asks.

“You read my mind. Oh -- my name is Kaz, by the way.”

“Kaz, lovely! And you can call me Lucy. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Uh -- you, too? You, too.” I’m not going to ask her out for coffee. I’m not. I broke up with Josie two weeks ago. Instead of saying what my brain wants to say, I manage to shrug. “I have an EMF emitter at my apartment, and probably some other tools too, if you really want to mess with them.” The emitter was Josie's. I'm sure she wouldn't mind. Our schedules didn't line up for the next few days, and, even if they did, she wasn't texting me back about coming to pick up her stuff.

Lucy looks thrilled. She claps a hand over her heart and shakes her head. “Oh, we would be so wicked, wouldn’t we? Good young ladies wouldn’t dare do such things to those just trying to make entertaining documentaries, I’m sure.”

“I’m sure!”

“I hope they won't be too disappointed with a few whispered words. Most people like to see the ghosts limned in the moonlight, pale specters against the dark trees. Shall we reconvene once the moon is up?”

I stammer, realizing I’ve been staring, and nod. “Right. Yeah -- yeah, let’s do that. I’ll go get the EMF emitter and stuff. You want me to bring you a coffee?”

“Fantastic!” Lucy beams, first at me, and then out at the team once more. “I’m quite alright without one, but I’ll haunt you if you don’t come back.”

“Promise?” I say before thinking.

“I swear it on my grave.” She pats the headstone in front of us, solemn as can be, and giggles.

She’s so goth. It’s so cute, I can’t stand it. I hope she haunts me forever.

#

tag list:

@adaughterofathena

@ambreeskyewriting

@carnelianflames

@feather-dancer

@halfbloodlycan

@nadunacreates

@serenanymph

@vigilantdesert

[cataztrophi]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by: @noodyl-blasstal thanks!!

Tagging: @fandomsnstuff @duck-newton I think a lot of people have been tagged already but if you haven't pls consider this an invitation to answer these as well!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

2 currently, but I plan on putting up my TAZNC work at which point I will have 15!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

4,680 right now, but that number will increase by a lot shortly since I think all my TAZNC works were between 1,000-4,000 words.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

TAZ, and I've got a few Owl House things in the works I hope to finish some day.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Show Me Yours, then The Thing With Feathers

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! I love receiving comments and I love being able to talk a bit about what I was thinking when I wrote things.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't usually write a lot of angst, but probably this unnamed ficlet because nothing really gets resolved at the end, although it is a fairly hopeful ending.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

It's hard to pick, I write mostly things that leave a lot of possibilities open, but I'd say probably my 10th entry for TAZNC this year (man I really gotta name these things) because I think the emotional journey makes the ending more satisfying.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nope! I've only gotten very kind words and I'm extremely grateful for all of them.

9. Do you write smut?

Yup. Nothing I'm quite finished with yet but I have several in the works and I hope to get some posted soon

10. Do you write crossovers?

They're not really my style, but I think they are fun to think about and play around with!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of, and I'm small enough right now that I think it's unlikely.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I've heard of

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I did once on a previous account, unfortunately I was very bad at finishing anything at that point in my life and I hadn't gotten on ADD meds, so we didn't finish it (my fault). I'd like to co-write something at some point, but I think I'd need to have more practice with writing/finishing longer stories before I felt confident about doing it again.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Taakitz babey! Top tier meet-weird plus some truly beautiful moments, and such a great dynamic to play around with

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I'm not sure I'd say "never," but there is one Taakitz fake dating fic that I would need to seriously rework in order to make it coherent. I hope to finish some version of it someday, but it certainly won't look like the current WIP.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Boy I wish I knew! Someone told me I have a "lyrical" writing style, so I'll take it! I do really like working with the flow of words. Also I wrote a lot of tender romantic scenes when I was a touch-starved closeted high schooler, and I was surprised by how easy those scenes feel to write in my current work.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I have a tendency to write too much lead-in and too much ending if I'm not careful, so I basically have to chop off the first and last bits of every fic. I am very bad at coming up with plots. I worry a lot about capturing characters' voices and can struggle with differentiating them. And as previously mentioned, I tend to start a lot of things and not finish them, although I think I'm improving in that regard!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I'm very wary about it for myself. I could just about manage French but for anything else I'd want someone fluent to look it over for me.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Good Omens, back before the TV series came out! It was a pretty small fandom at that point, and I had to get my Aziraphale/Crowley angst out somewhere when I only knew like three people who'd read the book

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

I'm really proud of my TAZNC work, but I think I'm still proudest of The Thing With Feathers because I feel like I did exactly what I wanted with it and captured everything I was hoping to.

[shouldhavebeenpersephone]

Pssst: 'prev tags' no longer works since tumblr staff in all it's wisdom decided to link to the blog instead of the specific reblog

True, I think the post you're mentioning is the one where I paraphrased the prev tags in mine though so it should get the point across!

Copying the tags with '#prev tags>' is my usual go to if I have nothing to add myself so that's what I'd resommend, and looking for the previous reblogger in the notes also works (though, difficult if there are a lot of notes).

Also, going to a previous version works if the person added actual text - then you can click next to the blog name at the top of their addition to go to their version of the post.

[aviiarie]

FURINA'S WIFE ANON!!!!! IS HERE!!!!!!!! with a long tangent of stuff probably ARGH MY CONDOLENCES IN ADVANCE

this is . Adding to the post about whose bed would be comfy becAUSE I SAW FURINA MENTION WAHOO MY CHANCE TO SHINE!!!!!!

10/10 comfiness from me (i am 100% totally unbiased! Entirely!) because i feel like she'd definitely have ten million plushies . and not just drowning her bed until you can't see the mattress but literally everywhere in her room. There Is No Way She Doesn't. the plushies themselves provide. so much. and she has tea parties with them and all and OHHH MY GOD I HAVE IDEAS ABOUT DATES WITH HER... SITTING AT THE TINIEST TABLE YOU'VE EVER SEEN WITH HER AND HER PLUSHIES..... TEA TIMING IT UP.... WAAAAHHHH WAAAAHHHHH STILL THINKING ABOUT THE ANGST YOU HAVE INJECTED INTO US WAAAHHHHHHHHH

i am a shriveled up grape shell of the untouched. innocent version. of myself before i read that fic. happiness no longer comes naturally.

ALSO ACK THATS GENUINELY SO UPSETTING THAT TUMBLR THREW IT INTO THE VOID. LIKE LITERALLY WHY. got a notif when you made a post about it and went to go check most recent under furina x reader and for sure, it wasn't there :[ ACTUALLY SUCKS SO BAD because reading it you can really tell how much work was written into it and just AGRGHHHHHH sucks sucks sucks... it's wonderful to know that we're any help at all, if that's possible in the slightest :'D so sorry that happened but but for whatever it's worth it was an amazing read and just. So. Fantastic. there's not nearly enough words of enough strength that could possibly describe it juust oohkh my god I STILL CAN'T GET OVER THE PEARL NECKLADCE HEART SNIFFLE SNIFF AARHRHGBGJNGNN

because she would want to do that. furina would want to house you, the most important of anything to her, right over the source of the blood coursing in her body. it pulses, and the first thing it meets is you before travelling throughout the rest of her. just as she would have no life without it, both literally and metaphorically, she has no life without you.

sorry sorry sorry again EEK it's my first time being like a. designated anon. if that makes sense. with like my own little name and signature tag ARGH DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S CALLED But The Name Tag Thingie. AND I'M SO EXCITED TO SHARE MY THOUGHTS WITH YOU HEHEHEHEHEH i feel very not judged here this is wonderful

THANK YOU SINCERELY FOR THE FOREHEAD KISSES!!!!! HUGS YOU VERY TIGHTLY UNTIL LIFE FORCE IS SQUEEZED OUT although not too much because that would be akin to exploding which we do NOT want AND THEN FINISHING BLOWS WITH A SEPARATE FOREHEAD KISS BECAUSE I AM SO SIGMA!!!!!! WAHOO!!!!!!

SIGNED . WITH LOVE . FURINA'S WIFE ANON. WAHHAHAHAHA

okay you've convinced me. i amend my previous statement, furina's bed is now a 10/10 in my books. YOU'RE SO RIGHT THOUGH???? she would have so many plushies, all in different sizes and styles just scattered across her bed. and every single one of them is named, and she never forgets what they're called; the little white swan is blanche, the big fluffy cat is mademoiselle chat, the blue otter is little neuvillette.... etc. etc. DATES WITH THEM WOULD BE SO CUTEEEE LIKE LITTLE PICNICS TOO WHERE SHE SETS OUT FOOD FOR ALL OF THEM.... imagine if she set up little puppet shows with them too, just making wild stories and acting them out with her plushies... that would be adorable :O

IM SORRYYYYY i'll write some happy fluff for furina soon. promise 🤞

BUT RIGHT??????? like damn, tumblr. i know pride month was in june, but that doesn't mean you have to throw a perfectly good lesbian in the void. the positive response i've got on it has made up for it though, so thank you again. at least it wasn't a total waste of energy :")

YES YES YOU GET IT!!!! that's exactly what i was going for with the fic, furina wants to keep you close, she wants you close to your heart, she just isn't ready to accept why. you are what is keeping her alive, the thing keeping her going. without you..... AUGHHHH YOU GET ME SO MUCH!!!!

and no no no apologies!!! i'm thrilled to see you in my inbox again :DDD i love all of my lovely designated anons, everyone is welcome to share their thoughts here!! there is no judgement, only incoherent rambling about our favourite characters HAHAHA

HUGGING YOU BACK!!!! WAHOOO!!!

[ninasbookshelf]

mid-year book freakout 2024

hi all! it's time again for a mid-year book review post! to reiterate, this is not my own idea but a trend i've seen make the rounds on social media over the past several years. i'm not sure what the original version of this is or who made it, but i combined several of my favorite questions to make this edition. feel free to fill out your own, and add any other questions or info you like!

also.. i'm thinking of creating a version of this post but for webtoons... i think that would be fun lolol

i did this last year too if you're interested: my 2023 mid-year book freakout

and if you want to do your own mid-year book tag with these questions: blank questions if you want to fill this out yourself

let’s get started!

Amount of books you’ve read so far: 24

Best book you’ve read so far this year: not including re-reads, I think the best book i've read this year is either How to Murder Your Life by Cat Marnell or Sweet Bean Paste by Durian Sukegawa (very different options!!). Or Lonely Castle in the Mirror by Mizuki Tsujimura… i can’t decide!

Best sequel you’ve read so far this year: if we’re sticking with books i read for the first time in 2024, i loved volumes 9 and 10 of Tsubasa Yamaguchi’s manga series Blue Period. i am slowly but surely working my way through the series and very excited to read more of it. as an alternative, i can’t help but mention that i’m currently re-reading The King of Attolia by Megan Whalen Turner (third book in the Queen’s Thief series) and it is sooo good!! it may be my favorite book in that series!? i’ll have to re-read the rest of them to know for sure.

New release you haven’t read yet but want to: Five Broken Blades by Mai Corland! i’ve heard great things about this book, particularly for fans of Six of Crows. it’s at the top of my list!

Most anticipated release for the second half of the year: the upcoming Sally Rooney book, Intermezzo!! i've loved everything i've read by Sally Rooney, and i’m very excited for more.

Biggest disappointment: Strip Tees: A Memoir of Millenial Los Angeles by Kate Flannery. Strip Tees details one woman's experience working for American Apparel at the height of the company’s popularity in the 2000s. i will do a longer post on this book later, but in short i found the writing lackluster and the author's attitude off-putting and disappointing. i still don't know what she was trying to convey with the tone.

honorary mention: Becoming Free Indeed by Jinger Vuolo. i paid for this book on my kindle and quickly realized it wasn’t at all what i thought it would be, which isn’t Jinger Vuolo’s fault but was still disappointing at the time, lol. it just wasn’t for me; i ended up DNFing it. oh well!

Biggest surprise: Sweet Bean Paste by Durian Sukegawa! this book was a spontaneous purchase on my e-reader before a flight, and i just loved it. such a heartwarming story i will definitely read again.

Favorite new author (debut or new to you): Cat Marnell. she isn’t a new author but is (sort of) new to me. i had her book How to Murder Your Life on my to-read list for a few years (sorry it took so long!) and i finallly read it this year. twice, actually! i love her writing style and am really happy to hear she’s working on another book.

Newest fictional crush: i don't think i have any new ones!! i haven't been reading as much fantasy/adventure as i did the previous few years, and those books are usually where my fictional character crushes come from. i am re-reading the Queen’s Thief series though, and of course still love Gen!

Favorite character: oh man. i could name so many. Gen and Costis, among so many other characters in the Queen’s Thief series… but if we’re going for a series i’m reading for the first time, i’ve definitely developed a soft spot for Yotasuke after reading volume 10 of Blue Period. (and Yatora is a great character as always too)

Book that made you cry: Sweet Bean Paste

Book that made you happy: ...Sweet Bean Paste

A book I want to read by the end of year: there are so many. i’ll go with My Year of Meats by Ruth Ozeki! i’m still marching towards reading all of her works. (i’ve finally started reading it since i first answered this question. progress!)

that’s all for this year’s mid-year book tag! i hope you enjoyed, and feel free to tag me if you fill out your own.

[aprilblossomgirl]

hi! this is the anon from earlier today again!

i get the disappointment you’re feeling because same. i’ve been looking forward to the show so much, and now i probably won’t even get to watch it live due to work.

anyways, gmmtv is setting them up for failure atm, and it is upsetting for everyone - the actors, the fans and probably everyone who has been working on this project for months and months

there haven’t been too many shows that were broadcast on other paid platforms yet so there aren’t a lot of examples. 23.5 degrees and cooking crush are the most recent (and possibly only??? idk i can’t remember 😅) examples and neither trailer mentioned youtube and they also didn’t put any info about it being shown on youtube on twitter either. for 23.5 they only specified the countries where it was going to be shown on netflix. however, they DID NOT specify that the show was going to be put on youtube in all other countries

idk how the whole iqiyi thing is going to work either, but at the end of the day it’s just another subscription-based platform like netflix so they are definitely going to geoblock the youtube broadcast it in all countries where it’s going to be put on iqiyi - the iqiyi thailand twitter page is the only one having posted about it yet but ig it could include some other countries as well. also, for 23.5 they’re putting the uncut version on youtube and netflix so that’s an interesting fact

i don’t think gmmtv is going to say anything about this whole situation so we will probably have to wait until wednesday to find out if it will be on youtube or not 🙏🏻

Hi Anon, thanks for dropping by again. I don't think I can say much about this broadcasting policy by the company; I could only try to understand based on the published promo materials (i.e., the shows' posters) and perhaps a few 'conversations' among fans on twitter.

And you're right, now that I remember, I think it was not the GMMTV Official account that stated about 23.5 still being broadcasted on the company's YouTube channel outside SEA and Latin America, maybe it was the show's twitter channel or maybe the unofficial fan account of the show that already did the research so they could come up with the information. But I do remember reading such statement, that's how I ended up trying to watch the show on YouTube using VPN (I live in SEA so the YouTube broadcast is geoblocked since it's on Netflix). Some fans already said similar things about this whole We Are x iQIYI case. So, assuming the case would be the same with 23.5 (because both Netflix and iQIYI are paid subscription-based platforms), it is most likely that We Are will still gonna air on the GMMTV YouTube wherever no iQIYI broadcast available. But again, and as you mention that GMMTV probably won't say anything to clarify, I think I would want to wait until Wednesday to make sure.

As I mentioned in the tags of my previous ask/answer, I think all the uproar was more than just, if it's not, about the sudden platform changes. It was due to accumulation of many things concerning the overall promotion (including unclear information about the viewing platform issue) of the show by the company. So that's how things blew up. I would be very 'happy' if this all was just a misunderstanding of the information and turns out the show is going to be on YouTube. However, the thing with having different platforms is the challenge for the fans (both Thai and international) to do the live trending of the show while it was airing. As you might know, it plays an important role in supporting the show, the artists, and the show-maker that could be one of the things that lead to the show's success. So that adds to why things went a bit chaotic yesterday when the new poster of the show came out. Trending would be a lot easier if the show is broadcasted on the same platform across regions. But now we know that will no longer be the case, I'm afraid.

And finally, regardless of that whatever GMMTV is doing right now is not at all a favor to the show, I think it's still way too early to predict about 'setting up the show for failure' simply because it hasn't even started yet. The show involves four fandoms, and I trust that most of the fans are still willing to find a way to maintain their support for the show regardless all these 'chaos' :)

[sleeping-drunk-dragon]

Work vent post that was culled from cut tags of previous post:

I don't care if i get in trouble I'm bout to start blocking everything from work on my off day. I'm so sick of everything to do with work - glad at least i know someone else in a similar position feels similar here. I don't care if they consider me good - I'm still getting blamed for stuff they shoved on me and still have to clean up the bits anyways. 'Get a new job' why do people assume i haven't tried? Or that there aren't other issues (like health)? Off day should be off day - not uppers getting furious when you're not contactable 24/7. Oh lord did dealing with those higher ups outside the franchise feel off - the amount of corporate people who genuinely believe the blame games they create is scary. So much actually decent info mixed with blindness to actual conditions on the ground creates... a disquieting picture. Plus there are so many other things that they think are reasonable that fall apart when subjected to reality. Checklists? good idea so badly executed that you have to stop your actual job to take care of them - and that's the 'better' version. Readouts in multiple areas? it would help if it was the ACTUAL NEEDED READING. So other similar things... Could you all make it more obvious the actual purpose of these things is obedience? Blatantly false answers given across the organization if your actually see them - but as long as it's in on time it's great! Not on time? You're in deep shit. Apparently yes it could be more obvious these things don't actually do said purpose given how much of middle management actually believes them - and they all of course don't do these things as they've been promoted past those positions.

Emphasis on promotion - the way they treat it as the endgame... let's just say i didn't realize until writing this why i felt that meeting was wrong on some deep level. Corporations are very much about those godfather type meetings of information and promotion wrapped up in as much manipulation as possible - including people you think should know why something doesn't work but instead blame the overseer - without fail. Introduce an issue discussed - only to yank away all the things that were just mentioned as issues (actual isses if you've worked but no they're suddenly red herrings??) and find some way to blame the lowest manager over the whole thing over something previously unmentioned? That doesn't work that way in the first place? Between that and the cracking down on regular workers the demanded obedience regardless of situation really really goes against the message promoted of working with people saying "every situation is different, you need to account for that". There is so so much whiplash between the talk and the walk that looking back, I now realize the one other person there similar to me feeling wise also had plenty of ground experience - everyone else with 'plenty' of experience had long ago been promoted and no longer work the ground outside of 'helping' situations. All the gungho ones did NOT have the track record on the ground - there was a very stark correlation between eagerness and years. And every single one on the ground? Kept quiet unless required.

I went originally because i was 'signed up', and i figured they should at least give some good information for my job - yeah. They did. A little actual good information for the job, and lots on how when i leave, I'll be running. Seriously have to wonder now how many of those godfather scenes were based off corporate meetings in the first place...